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 LI E) RARY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 U N IVE.RSITY 
 
 or ILLI NOIS 
 
 <3-464n 
 V.I
 
 * *
 
 ^ 1» 
 
 Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 
 in 2010 with funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/nedclintonorcomm01glas
 
 NED CLINTON; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE COMMISSARY: 
 
 COMPRISING 
 
 ADVENTURES, 
 
 AND EVENTS 'DURING THE PENINSULAR WAR : 
 
 WITH 
 
 CUCIOU0 and original ^nectiote^ 
 
 OF 
 
 MILITARY, 
 
 AND OTHER REMARKABLE CHARACTERS. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 VOL. L 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 PRINTED FOR WILLIAM MARSH, 
 145, OXFORD STREET. 
 
 1825,
 
 V'l 
 
 CONTENTS OF VOL. I. 
 J 
 
 o - 
 
 ^ CHAPTER I. 
 
 > Page. 
 
 'o "Ved Clinton's Parents and their Family described 
 
 — His Appointment to the Situation of a 
 Commissary's Clerk. • 1 
 
 CHAPTER H. 
 
 Clinton's Journey to the Isle of Wight, and an 
 unfortunate Adventure there 8 
 
 < • 
 
 "^ CHAPTER HI. 
 
 ^' Clinton writes to his Father. — Is put undej* Ar- 
 ^ rest, and released 17 
 
 ^v, CHAPTER IV. 
 
 ^ Clinton is ordered on Foreign Service. — Pro- 
 .^ ceeds to Portsmouth.— -A Night Adventure 
 
 there 2.5
 
 1? CONTEXTS. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Clinton's Reception on board the Hercules. — 
 Some Particulars of the Passengers, and of 
 the Voyage to Lisbon 33 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Clinton disembarks at Lisbon. — Dines at a 
 looted Ordinary.— Quarrels there. — An Ad- 
 venture which befel him on the way home. . 48 
 
 CHAPTER VH. 
 
 Clinton goes to the Opera. — Some Characters 
 there described. — The Quarrel adjusted.— 
 Visits a Hell. — A sad Catastrophe. — Descrip- 
 tion of a Gambler at Rouge-et-Noir 61 
 
 'o^ 
 
 CHAPTER VHL 
 
 Clinton is distressed. — Receives Orders to pro- 
 ceed to Coimbra. — Captain Grove relieves 
 him.^l3 engaged in a strange Adventure. . 73 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Clinton arrives in Coimbra. — His Terror on 
 perusing a Proclamation. — He frequents 
 Cotfoe-houses, and falls in love with a Nun 87
 
 CONTENTS. ,V 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Clinton soliloquises upon Love. — Is sent with a 
 Convoy to join the Army.— Arrives at Coria. 
 — RetrogTades, and crosses the Tagus.... 99 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 Clinton suffers from Excess. — Is attached to a 
 Division of Portuguese Troops.— Forms an 
 Intimacy with Assistant-Surgeon Saveall. — 
 Character of a Partisan 109 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Clinton is taken by Banditti. — Finds a Friend 
 in their Leader. —His History 118 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Clinton meets his Friend, Glover.— Another In- 
 trigue.— Is promoted to the rank of Deputy- 
 Assistant Commissary-General HO 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 CUn ton Visits Crato. — An Irish Duel there.. 147 
 
 /'
 
 ti CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Corporal Brady makes good his Master's Billet. 
 — Clinton's Introduction to the General at 
 Campo Mayor 156 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Trial of a Corporal, and his Humorous Defence 163 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Clinton profits by an Example. — Contrast be- 
 tween the Spaniards and Portuguese 168 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Clinton receives a Visit from Captain Grove and 
 Major Leek. — The latter relates his having 
 been taken by the French, and his Escape. . 178 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 An amusing Anecdote of Corporal Brady 192 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 The Sameness of a Soldier's Life in Quarters.— 
 A curious Medical Case 197
 
 CONTENTS. VH 
 
 CHAPTER XXr. 
 An Adventure, and a Boar Hunt 204 
 
 CHAPTER XXH. 
 
 Ned Clinton Visits his Friend Glover, at Elvas. 
 — Brady makes a Discovery. ---The Lovers 
 surprised, and its Results j... .. . 220 
 
 CHAPTER XXHI. 
 
 Clinton arrives at Almeida. — Is benighted. — An 
 odd Adventure in a Catholic Chapel 234 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 A Novel Invention. An Escape of Two 
 
 Spaniards.— Brady's Stratagem to save them. 242 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Influence of a Padre.— Disputes with an Officer; 
 —His Treachery 251 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 A Mistake made by Brady.— The Moors and 
 Portuguese contrasted.— Clinton proceeds to 
 Lisbon 25G
 
 « • • 
 
 Viu CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 History of a Portuguese Nobleman .......... 262 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 Secrets of a Profession. — An easy Mode of 
 making a large Fortune 270 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Corporal Brady introduces Father Murphy 
 O'CarroU. — The Priest tries to convert 
 Clinton 275 
 
 CHAPTER XXX, 
 
 Father Murphy O' Carroll and Ned Clinton 
 dine at Mother Bunker's.— A Quarrel and 
 Fight 2^0
 
 NED CLINTON; 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE COMMISSARY. 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Ned Clinton's Parents and their Family 
 described. — His Ajjp ointment to the 
 Situation of a Commissary's Clerk. 
 
 It was my father's misfortune to be born a 
 gentleman ; he derived his origin from a noble 
 family; and it was my mother's misfortune to 
 marry this poor descendant of nobility, to 
 whose trifling fortune of about three thou- 
 sand pounds she added as many more, being 
 her entire portion, although the daughter of 
 an old English baronet. 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 NED CLINTON. 
 
 » 
 
 My father commenced his career in the 
 army, with the most brilliant prospects of 
 preferment, but being disgusted, after a few 
 years of service, at the promotion of a junior 
 officer over his head, he retired upon half- 
 pay, when only a captain of infantry, and 
 shortly afterwards got married; after which 
 he thought no more of military service. 
 
 Though fortune bestowed some of her 
 blessings upon my father with a sparing hand, 
 she was generous enough in showering 
 down others : at forty years of age he was 
 blest with seven children, five of whom were 
 daughters, yet at this time he was master of 
 barely two hundred pounds per annum ; for 
 in spite of strict economy and excellent 
 management, the expenses of supporting a 
 large family had gradually diminished his 
 income, and filled his mind with melancholy 
 apprehensions for the future. It is true, he 
 had made various efforts for bettering hi* 
 fortune, but they all failed; his interest was 
 lost by the death of his grandfather, an 
 English e«rl ; he dared not embark his little 
 capital in trade, while some speculation*
 
 NED CLINTON. * «3 
 
 made by him in the funds and other chan- 
 nels had been attended with loss. Thus, at 
 an early age, he patiently sat down in the 
 country, in despair of improving an income 
 upon which his utmost hope was merely 
 to rear and educate his young family ; and 
 with no other choice left him than that 
 of selecting his place of retreat, which 
 he did at a small village about ten miles from 
 London. 
 
 My father divided his time almost entirely 
 between the education of his children and 
 the cultivation of a large garden ; and his 
 family were generally acknowledged to l)e 
 the most regular in the neighbourhood. We 
 rose soon after day-light the whole year 
 round, and retired to rest early at night. 
 We had stated hours for study, for recreation, 
 and for meals. The children were treated 
 with uniform kindness by both parents, and 
 our lives exhibited one scene of tranquillity, 
 happiness, and health. In this smooth way 
 things were conducted in my father's house 
 during the whole time I remained at home. 
 1 was the eldest child, and, when scarcely
 
 4 NED CLINTON. 
 
 seventeen years old, my father obtained for 
 me the situation of a commissary's clerk in 
 the British army, which was not difficult to 
 be g"ot at that time, when the war was carried 
 on with great vif^our. 
 
 Never shall I forget the joyful sensations I 
 experienced on first hearing of this appoint- 
 ment; my heart bounded with raptures ; and 
 for several days I continued in a sort of 
 pleasurable phrensy, which rendered me to- 
 tally unfit to receive either instruction or 
 ad\ice. But I was soon roused from this 
 reverie by receiving an order to proceed 
 without delay to the Isle of Wight. 
 
 This order caused much activity in our 
 family. My father relaxed in his attention 
 io the childrens' education ; my mother 
 showed more than usual fondness towards 
 her eldest child; my brother and sisters 
 contended which should most attend upon 
 me; in short, every individual, not only of 
 our family but amongst our neighbours, 
 seemed desirous of paying me attention ; and 
 almost every one of them gave me some 
 friendly keepsake. A maiden aunt, one of
 
 NED CLINTON. 
 
 the sisters of my mother, presented me with 
 an old family gold watch, of antique fashion, 
 and detailed a tedious history of our various 
 ancestors to whom it had successively be- 
 longed, accompanied by a thousand cautions 
 about preserving it in safety, which I pro^ 
 mised most faithfully to attend to, and at my 
 death to bequeath it and its history as heir 
 looms to my posterity. iVIy father gave me 
 ten guineas and his old regulation sword, 
 with the following advice: " You are upon 
 the point, my dear boy, of entering upon a 
 perilous career, but let your conduct at all 
 times be guided by the precepts of religion^ 
 and this career must prove honorable : religion 
 alone can support you with dignity under 
 the most severe trials, and cheer you under 
 the greatest difficulties — so useful and so 
 pleasing to mankind is this sacred duty. Be 
 obedient to your superiors, and strive to meet 
 their wishes before you receive their com- 
 mands. Listen to others with attention, for 
 you may sometimes obtain knowledge, but 
 always the good offices of the speaker, while
 
 O NED CLINTON. 
 
 inattention is rarely forgiven. Yet reflect 
 well ere you speak, for words once escaped 
 are not to be recalled, and are too often 
 treasured up for some favorable opportunity of 
 injuring" their author. Be slow in forming an 
 intimacy, but having made a friend, always act 
 so as to merit the continuation of his friend- 
 ship ; for a real friend certainly is the greatest, 
 though perhaps the rarest of treasures." 
 
 In this strain, upon the morning of my 
 departure from home, my father gave me 
 much salutary advice, of which (I am sorry 
 to say, and the reader will too soon discover 
 itj I made but a pooruse» 
 
 What spare room remained in my trunk, 
 after putting into it a good stock of clothes, 
 was stuffed fuil of the various keepsakes 
 with which I had been presented; and I wa& 
 nearly smothered with embraces before I 
 entered the coach. My brother and sisters 
 could scarcely be separated from me ; and 
 my dear mother, as she gave me her last 
 embrace, put a locket round my neck, filled 
 with her hair, and, as I got into the stag;e
 
 NED CLINTON'. 7 
 
 ecacli, slipt a purse into my hand containing 
 ten golden guineas. Thu«, witti blessings 
 following me from every quarter, I left tbis 
 happy home to commence my career in 
 public life.
 
 8 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Clinton's Journey to the Isle of IVight, and 
 an unfortunate Adventure there. 
 
 I SHED a few tears of gratitude and affec- 
 tion as the coach passed through our vil- 
 lage, but tliey were speedily wiped away, 
 "while my heart leaped with joy at the pleasing 
 prospects a lively imagination laid before me. 
 I pictured to myself, that my success in life 
 would be certain, and my pleasures endless; 
 that the world would be kind and sincere, 
 and that I should always be happy. Indeed. 
 I was so completely wrapped up in this 
 delusive reverie, that, for a considerable 
 length of time, I neither noticed the persons 
 of my fellow-travellers, nor attended to Iheir 
 conversation. I thought of little else than 
 my riches and bright prospects, while the
 
 NED CLTNTOX. 9 
 
 possibility of an accident, or reverse of for^ 
 tune, never entered mv brain. 
 
 At last, for all things must have an end, I 
 turned my attention towards the other pas- 
 sengers, who consisted of a fat short elderly 
 woman and three gentlemen. Two of the 
 gentlemen were advanced in years ; the 
 third was a young man, apparently about 
 twenty years of age, possessed of a good 
 person, and very prepossessing manners. 
 He appeared to be well educated, at least I 
 judged him to be so, from his frequent quo- 
 tations of Latin, French, and Italian authors; 
 while, from the elegance of his clothes, 1 also 
 judged him to be a young gentleman in 
 easy circumstances and of superior taste. 
 His attentions to the passengers were general, 
 and extremely pleasing; and even 1 could 
 not fail noticing that, without giving the 
 smallest information regarding himself, he 
 contrived, by the suavity of his manners, 
 to find out the business and pursuits of all 
 the rest of the passengers. Towards the con- 
 elusion of our journey he became extremely 
 attentive to me, and upon learning that I 
 
 b3
 
 10 NED CLINTON. 
 
 was goiHg to the Isle of Wight, he proposed 
 our crossing the water together, observing, 
 that he was also going there; but whether 
 it was from my being wrapt up in my own 
 fancied consequence, or from conceiving 
 a prejudice against him because he squinted, 
 I certainly slighted his advances. The old 
 lady made herself truly ridiculous during 
 the whole journey to Portsmouth, both by 
 her violent and constant exclamations of 
 fear, when there was no danger, and by 
 her repeated promises to the two coachmen 
 who successively drove us, that she would 
 make each of them a handsome present 
 if he drove her in safety; and yet, after all 
 her professions, she gave the coachmen only 
 sixpence each, though all the other /passen- 
 gers gave them a shilling. 
 
 The two elder gentlemen (as I learnt 
 by their conversation on the journey) were 
 a methodist parson and a quack doctor; 
 and, doubtless, from their canting manners 
 and language, they were two thorough- 
 bred cliarUitans in their several callings. 
 It wf^s really amusie,^ to hear theua and
 
 NED CLINTON. 11 
 
 Ihe old ladv, as she uttered violent exela- 
 mations of terror at every sudden move of 
 the coach, the one persisted in striving: 
 to comfort her by quotations from holy 
 writ, while the other as obstinately perse- 
 vered in recommending her a nostrum for 
 the body. Thus between the spiritual man, 
 who laboured for the advantage of her sou J, 
 and the quack, who fain would administer a 
 specific to comfort her unwieldy carcass, the 
 old woman was overwhelmed with advice, 
 though at every fresh exclamation she uttered, 
 it evidently appeared that she had forgot all 
 the arguments of these learned gentlemen ; for 
 to reason with her was like preaching to the 
 wind. 
 
 I saw no more of the divine nor of the man 
 of physic after our arrival at Portsmouth, 
 but on the passage, next morning, to the Isle 
 of Wight, I met my civil fellow-traveller and 
 the old lady, who entertained the company 
 on board by acting a similar farce to what she 
 had done in the coach, In short, she uttered 
 frightful screeches at every motion of the 
 vessel, and repeatedly promised the master
 
 12 NED CLINTON. 
 
 and every one of the sailors in his turn 
 (not excepting the cabin-boy), a handsome 
 present if he conveyed her safe to the Isle of 
 Wight, Yet, when she got there, she gave 
 nothing more than the bare passage-money, 
 and even higgled about that before she 
 paid it. 
 
 When the boat arrived at Cowes, Charles 
 Armstrong, Esq. (for so my agreeable com- 
 panion was designated) proposed our dining 
 together. Our intimacy improved at this 
 meal, and that same evening we proceeded in 
 the stage coach to Newport, the capital of that 
 fertile island, and which was the place of my 
 destination. We supped together, and slept 
 at the same inn, and on the following 
 morning I reported my arrival, according to 
 instructions, to the senior officer of the com- 
 missariat department, who, after giving me 
 his orders, stated that the barracks were fully 
 occupied, and that I must provide myself 
 with a lodging. On my telling this to Mr. 
 Armstrong, he proposed our lodging together, 
 both to serve the purposes of economy and 
 society ; and, as I gladly availed myself of
 
 NED CLINTON. 13 
 
 the proposal, we immediately took a good 
 lodging in the centre of the tov.n, at a prkje 
 far exceeding what I was justified in giving 
 the moiety of; but my youth and ignorance 
 prevented my looking to consequences, while 
 I thought my twenty guineas an endless store 
 of treasure. 
 
 We now lived on the best possible terms 
 together, and I found myselfso extremely happy 
 in this new^ friend's society, that when I wrote 
 home, 1 detailed to my parents all the parti- 
 culars concerning tlie acquaintance I had 
 formed with this accomplished young gentle- 
 man, not forgetting to dwell upon the happi- 
 ness it had occasioned me. 
 
 I have already said, that I quitted home with 
 a good supply of clothes, therefore 1 now 
 wanted little more than food and lodging; 
 but this was not the case with my friend, who, 
 it appeared, had left London for a tritling 
 excursion of pleasure, and travelled witli only 
 a change or two of linen and one suit of 
 clothes, but finding himself extremely happy 
 in my company (as he was pleased to say),
 
 ]4 NED CLINTON. 
 
 he altered his plan, resolving that he would 
 stay a few weeks in the island. 
 
 This arrangement required a fresh supply 
 of clothes, and my friend considered it better 
 to buy new ones than send home for others, 
 and accordingly he employed a fashionable 
 tradesman of the place to make him a hand- 
 some suit of clothes. His order was well exe- 
 cuted, and the polite tailor so accommodating 
 as to take his bill upon a London banker for 
 twenty pounds, and to give him ready cash 
 for the difference, after deducting the price of 
 the clothes. A shoemaker, from whom he 
 purchased a couple of pair of boots, also 
 accommodated Mr. Armstrong in a similar 
 manner, on receiving his bill for ten pounds. 
 
 VVe passed away some pleasant days to- 
 gether, during which 1 had little to do in the 
 commissariat department, and I avoided form- 
 ing any intimacy with my fellow-clerks, being 
 altogether engaged in the society of my friend, 
 of whose acquaintance I felt very proud. 
 But, alas I I was soon doomed to alter my 
 sentiments, and taught to be satisfied with
 
 NED CLINTON. 15 
 
 the more humble company of my brother 
 clerks. 
 
 It was on the tenth morning- after my arrival 
 at Newport, when I went by invitation to 
 breakfast with a married commissary, dressed 
 in my best suit, and having on my new w^hite 
 uniform small clothes, my watch being* left at 
 home that the seals might not soil the leather. 
 Towards the hour of dinner I returned home, 
 and enquired for Mr. Armstrong', when I 
 was informed that he had left the house soon 
 after me in the morning, taking a porter witii 
 him to carry a large trunk. On hearing this 
 account I felt quite bewildered, yet, from the 
 spontaneous impulse of my feelings, I im- 
 mediately run up stairs to look after my pro- 
 perty, well knowing that Mr. Armstrong had 
 no trunk. But, alas ! what were my frightful 
 sensations on discovering that all I had pos- 
 sessed was gone. 
 
 Thus did this accomplished swindler deprive 
 me of my property, and teach me the first 
 practical lesson of worldly baseness. He left 
 me possessed of nothing more than the few 
 shillirtgs I chanced to have in my pocket, the
 
 16 NED CLINTON. 
 
 clothes on my body, the old sword, and the 
 locket on my neck ; while, to add to the mis- 
 chief, I was indebted for the rent of the 
 lodging", and what was still worse, suspected of 
 l)eing his colleague in several swindling tran- 
 sactions, particularly those by which he ob- 
 tained the boots, clothes, and differences in 
 money for the bills he had given, and which 
 were returned from London protested, the 
 morning after his cavalier departure. 
 
 I vainly endeavoured to trace him, but all 
 I could learn was, that he had been seen 
 travelling to the sea-port town of Ryde in a 
 returned chaise, with my trunk strapped on 
 the top of it. While, from that day to the 
 present time, I have neither seen nor heard 
 more of this accomplished swindler.
 
 NED CLINTON. 17 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Clinlon writes to his Father. — Is put under 
 Arrest, and released. 
 
 No sooner had my misfortune become pub- 
 licly known than the landlady pressed me for 
 the payment of her rent; and the butcher, 
 baker, and other tradespeople, for the sums 
 due to them, so that I was driven to the ne- 
 cessity of asking a delay of several days, to 
 enable me to obtain m.oney from home to dis- 
 charge these claims. It was a painful task ij 
 write to my father on this subject, having 
 scarcely left home ere all the fruits of his 
 kindness had been lost, and his unfortunate 
 son rendered totally destitute, by an improvi- 
 dent intimacy with a dexterous sharper ; but 
 my exigencies were urgent, and I was com- 
 pelled to make my case known. 
 
 After this unfortunate day, I passed the first
 
 i8 NED CLINTON. 
 
 sleepless ni^ht that I recollect having expe- 
 rienced ; and early next morning-, I was sur- 
 prised by a visit from the depot-adjutant, who, 
 without ceremony, put a written paper into 
 my hand, to the following effect: — 
 
 *' Commissary clerk, Edward Clinton, is 
 hereby placed under arrest by Lieutenant- 
 Colonel Toger, for improper conduct to 
 various inhabitants of Newport ; and on sus- 
 picion of collusion in various frauds com- 
 mitted by a professed swindler. 
 
 (Signed) William Chapman, 
 
 Lieut, and Adjutant to the Depot J^ 
 
 After making this communication, the adju- 
 tant took his departure, leaving me in a state 
 of mind too miserable to be described. Even 
 my landlady saw and felt compassion for my 
 agony; and a fellow-clerk in the commissariat, 
 named Glover (with whom I had formed a 
 slight acquaintance), called upon me to offer 
 his services and advice. 1 showed him the 
 order by which I had been placed under arrest, 
 and he desired me to tell him most candidly
 
 NED CLINTON. 19 
 
 what transactions had passed l>et\veen ?vlr. 
 Armstrong and I, on which 1 informed him 
 of every thing that had happened to me from 
 the time I quitted home. He told me not to 
 be alarmed, for, undoubtedly, when my in- 
 nocence became known, I should be released 
 from confinement; and he quitted me with a 
 promise of exerting himself with the chief com- 
 missary, to get him to represent my case for 
 the favourable consideration of the com- 
 mandant. 
 
 During the whole of this day T continued 
 in a state of great mental agony, and at night 
 found myself extremely ill with fever. The 
 next morning I was still worse, and when 
 Mr. Glover called to inform me that the 
 commandant was too much irritated against 
 me to listen to what had been stated by the 
 commissary-general, he found me so very ill, 
 that, without letting me know his intentions, 
 he hurried away to the barracks for medical 
 assistance, and shortly afterwards returned in 
 company with Mr. Frome, a statF-surgeoUj 
 most deservedly celebrated for medical skill. 
 The surgeon examined my pulse, (luestluued
 
 20 KED CLINTON. 
 
 me secundum ctrtetn, and sent medicines from 
 the barrack hospital ; but still my fever in- 
 creased, and on his second visit he brought 
 with him the celebrated Dr. Jack man, physi- 
 cian of the dep6t, a gentleman nick-named 
 the Sangrado of the British army. The 
 physician shook his bald pate with vast sa- 
 gacity as he examined me, which done, he 
 ordered a copious bleeding, a variety of drugs, 
 and an antiflogestic regimen, at the same time 
 observing to the surgeon, that my life could 
 only be saved by these means. 
 
 Mr. Frome not having a lancet in his 
 pocket, these sons of JEsculapius took their 
 departure together, the surgeon observing, 
 that he should return in the course of an 
 hour to bleed me. They were scarcely 
 out of the house when my friend Glover 
 entered, and after hastily questioning me con- 
 cerning the state of my fever, said he was the 
 bearer of good news, which he hoped would 
 benefit my health, in a word, "that the com- 
 mandant" (to use his own words), " though 
 at first prejudiced against you, has most at- 
 tentively listened to the statement of the
 
 NED CLINTON. 21 
 
 commissary-general, which has considerably- 
 changed his opinion ; and when lie heard that 
 you was the son of his old friend, Captain 
 Clinton, he became much interested about 
 you, and sent his adjutant to make enquiries 
 of the tradespeople into your affairs ; but 
 that the result of these enquiries has not as 
 yet transpired; though," added Glover, 
 " since you are innocent, my dear fellow, it 
 cannot be otherwise than favourable." 
 
 These cheering tidings were scarcely com- 
 municated, ere the landlady entered the room 
 with a letter from my father, which 1 opened 
 in the presence of my friend. It contained 
 a bank bill, sufficient for my exigencies, to- 
 gether with the most kind and excellent ad- 
 vice, of which I well remember the following 
 sentences : " My dear boy, you have been un- 
 fortunate, but your misfortune has arisen 
 from your imprudence. You hastily formed 
 an improper intimacy with a perfect stranger, 
 and you have paid dearly for it. Let this 
 example prove a lesson to you, and the money 
 will not be thrown away. In future selec 
 your familiar acquaintances from amongs>
 
 22 NED CLINTON. 
 
 those who are engaged in pursuits similar to 
 your own, and whose characters are esta- 
 blished for worth. The money I send can 
 be ill spared by my family, but 1 shall not re- 
 gret the loss of it, provided my son proves to 
 be one of those on whom experience is not 
 thrown away." 
 
 This kind letter, in addition to Glover*s 
 cheering tidings, had such a salutary effect 
 upon my constitution, that my fever imme- 
 diately subsided, as if by magic, and I got up. 
 Soon after I was dressed, the landlady en- 
 tered, to announce Colonel Toger and his 
 adjutant. 1 felt disconcerted at this visit, but, 
 by the colonel's extreme condescension and 
 kindness, I quickly resumed my usual confi- 
 dence. He shook me cordially by the hand, 
 and said, he felt much pleasure in doing an 
 act of justice by releasing me from arrest ; 
 that he had ascertained I was perfectly inno- 
 cent of the alledged offences, and had been 
 the dupe of a sharper ; besides, he had been 
 informed that I was the son of his old and 
 highly esteemed friend, Captain Clinton, and
 
 NED CLINTON. 2S 
 
 he would regard me on ray father's accoimt, 
 and if I wanted money supply me. 
 
 I thanked the colonel, in the warmest lan- 
 guage of my heart, and begged him, for the 
 proof of my birth, to read the letter just 
 received from my father. He complied, and 
 read the letter with great attention, though 
 evidently affected by its contents ; observing, 
 that my father still possessed the same warm 
 heart he knew him to do when a boy. 
 
 Here we were interrupted by the entrance 
 of the surgeon, who came for the purpose of 
 bleeding me. He was astonished at all he 
 saw ; his patient up, and apparently well, 
 with the commandant in his room, and evi- 
 dently on easy familiar terms together. The 
 commandant on such terms with a paltry 
 commissary's clerk, seemed more than he 
 could comprehend. 
 
 But all doubts were speedily removed by 
 the colonel asking if he had a patient in that 
 house? which question led to an explanation, 
 as also to another examination of my tongue 
 and pulse, at which the surgeon found me so
 
 24 NED CLINTON. 
 
 well in health, that, malgr6 all the sage prog- 
 uostics of Sangrado Jaekman, he observed, 
 it was unnecessary to bleed me. And upon 
 the colonel's enquiring if I might venture to 
 dine out, he said that, provided I acted with 
 moderation, he would not object to it ; upon 
 which the colonel invited the whole party to 
 dine with him, and then, with a smile, he di- 
 rected his adjutant to have Doctor Jaekman 
 invited also, that he might witness the magical 
 recovery of his young patient, without even 
 the aid of drugs, venesection, or his and- 
 flogestic regimen.
 
 NED CLINTON. 25 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Clinton is ordered on Foreign Service. — 
 Proceeds to Portsmouth. — J Night Ad- 
 venture there. 
 
 After the preceding adventures, my time 
 passed very pleasantly for the few days I re- 
 mained at Newport, being constantly invited 
 to dine with Colonel Toger, or some of his 
 friends: but after the expiration of a week, 
 spent in this agreeable manner, I received 
 orders to proceed forthwith to Portsmouth, 
 there to embark for Lisbon, with stores des- 
 tined for the use of the army serving in the 
 Spanish peninsula. 
 
 I dined with the colonel the day preceding 
 my departure, and, on taking leave of him in 
 the evening, he presented me with a letter 
 of recommendation to Deputy Commissary- 
 General Porter, an intimate friend of his, 
 
 V OL. I. , C
 
 26 NED CLINTON. 
 
 then serving in tiie peninsula. He also pre- 
 sented me with a handsome gold watch, kind- 
 ly observing-, that my father had supplied my 
 pecuniary wants, but a watch was absolutely 
 necessary in my situation, therefore he trusted 
 I should not be offended with an old soldier, 
 the early friend and companion of my worthy 
 father, for presenting me with one. 
 
 1 thanked the colonel in the best language 
 I could for these tokens of his regard, as also 
 for the many favors I had received at his 
 hands during the short time I had been ho- 
 nored with his acquaintance, and, at an 
 early hour on the following morning, I pro- 
 ceeded to Cowes, from whence I crossed to 
 Portsmouth, in company with my friend Glo- 
 ver, who had received a similar order to 
 mine. 
 
 At Portsmouth we took up our abode at 
 the Crown hotel, where, having deposited 
 our baggage (and, by the by, mine was not 
 very cumbersome), we reported our arrival 
 to the proper authority, and received orders 
 to embark early the next morning on board 
 the Hercules transport brig.
 
 NED CLINTON. 27 
 
 As neither Glover nor I were employed in 
 the business of the commissariat on the day 
 we remained at Portsmouth, we were enabled 
 to pass it in a most agreeable manner, by 
 visiting the dock-yard, and viewing the har- 
 bour and fortifications, as also crossing' to 
 Gosport. We were vastly astonished at the 
 ingenious inventions and powerful machi- 
 nery we saw employed in the dock-yard ; 
 and it was late in the evening ere we got 
 back to the inn, our minds filled with admi- 
 ration and wonder. 
 
 After regaling ourselves with a hearty re- 
 pavSt, our attention was attracted towards the 
 rest of the company m the coffee-room. 
 Every box had its share, for Portsmouth was 
 at this time full of maritime and military 
 people ; a fleet of transports, and various 
 other ships, being detained there for convoy. 
 
 I shall not attempt a minute description of 
 the strange characters assembled in the coffee- 
 room, but content myself with observing, that 
 there appeared to be people there of almost 
 every sort, including the blustering sailor, 
 the wily Jew, and the poor conceited military 
 
 c 2
 
 28 NED CLINTON. 
 
 officer ; nor was there any lack of pursers, 
 surgeons, paymasters, purveyors, slopsellers, 
 and quartermasters. The conversation, of 
 course, was as various as the company ; ships, 
 campaigns, sieges, shipwrecks, physic, stores, 
 money, and provisions, were, in their several 
 turns, the leading topics of discussion ; and, 
 as the various orators elevated their voices, 
 either from the warmth of argument or the 
 strength of liquor, we could not avoid paying 
 some attention to the different subjects, and 
 the odd ways in which they were discussed. 
 In the box opposite to our's were seated two 
 gentlemen, one of them a middle aged man, 
 tolerably well dressed ; the other, a tall ele- 
 gant young fellow, dressed in a black cravat 
 and a richly laced military great coat, but- 
 toned close round his body, from the neck 
 down to the knees ; the coat even reaching to 
 his ancles, and showing nothing more than 
 the lower parts of his boots beneath it. 
 
 These gentlemen conversed together in an 
 elevated authoritative manner, and really 
 appeared to Glover and I to be people of 
 greater consequence than the rest of the com-
 
 NED CLINTON. 29 
 
 pany. They retired to bed before we did, 
 the shorter gentleman giving orders to be 
 called at four o'clock, observing that he had 
 to depart by a certain stage coach at that 
 hour. On quitting the coffee-room for their 
 chambers they shook hands, the tall gentle- 
 man wishing the other a pleasant journey. 
 
 Glover and I, having to embark next morn- 
 ing, retired to rest at an early hour; but, about 
 five o'clock in the morning, I was awoke by 
 an extraordinary loud noise, which issued 
 from an adjacent chamber, and was occa- 
 sioned by a man swearing in a tremendous 
 voice that he had been robbed ; that his 
 breeches were stolen from under his pil- 
 low, and that he had lost in the pockets of 
 them property to a great amount, including 
 his gold one hundred guinea watch, his pocket 
 book, his purse of money, and his diamond 
 ring ; " ah, and by Jasus," said he, in a still 
 more thundering voice than before, " my 
 gold snuff-box too !*' 
 
 He continued vociferating, in the most vio- 
 lent manner possible, for a considerable 
 length of time, swearing he would have re-
 
 30 NED CLINTOX. 
 
 dress ; by all that's sacred he would have re- 
 dress; while the landlord's voice was also 
 heard, but only occasionally, in a low key, as 
 if reasoning with the outrageous person, and 
 trying to soothe and content him. 
 
 This disturbance continued for upwards of 
 half an hour, after which every person was 
 quiet in the inn ; and when I got up, and en- 
 quired of the landlord into this business, I 
 found that the tall gentleman, dressed in the 
 richly laced coat, was the person who had 
 been robbed during the night, though by 
 whom the landlord could form no idea, no 
 one having broken into the house, and no 
 person having left it that morning, except 
 the gentleman's late companion. 
 
 The landlord further told me, that for the 
 credit of his house he had proposed making 
 the unfortunate gentleman some compensa- 
 tion for his losses, to which he had been very 
 unwilling to consent, though at last he had 
 appeased him, by giving his (the landlord's) 
 own best breeches, and thirty pounds in 
 money ; yet that the gentleman liad still con- 
 tinued so indignant at what had happened,
 
 NED CLINTON. 31 
 
 that he most disdainfully stalked out of the 
 inn as soo-n as he received the money, and 
 was dressed in the landlord's best breeches. 
 
 This ludicrous adventure not only afforded 
 merriment to every person in the house, ex- 
 cept the landlord and his family, but served 
 to entertain the whole town ; nor was the 
 story made less amusing by a discovery of 
 the chamber-maids, the knowledge of v, hich 
 reached Glover and I, while at breakfast in 
 the coffee-room. It appeared, that when 
 making the gentleman's bed, who had ob- 
 tained the remuneration for having been 
 robbed, she found a pawnbroker's duplicate, 
 dated the preceding day, for the sum of fif- 
 teen shillings, lent on a pair of kerseymere 
 breeches ; and shortly afterwards, one of the 
 waiters, in talking the circumstance over to 
 the waiter of a neighbouring tavern, discover- 
 ed that a person, exactly answering the de- 
 scription of the buttoned-up gentleman, had 
 employed the said waiter, on the preceding 
 day, to pawn a pair of kerseymere small- 
 clothes, for the sum of fifteen shillings, to 
 enable him to discharge his bill at that tavern.
 
 32 NED CLINTOy. 
 
 But although these particulars added much 
 to the drollery of the story, they also added 
 to the poor landlord's dismay, whose eye» 
 were opened too late to save his pocket.
 
 NED CLINTON. 33 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Clinton's reception on hoard the Hercules. 
 — Some Particulars of the Passetigers, 
 and of the Voyage to Lisbon. 
 
 When Glover and I embarked on board the 
 Hercules, Capt. Levett directed that our bag- 
 gage should be carried into the state cabin, 
 but some military officers, already in posses- 
 sion, finding we were nothing more than 
 commissaries' clerks, sans c6r6monie, order- 
 ed our baggage to be tossed upon deck, and 
 also refused us admission into the cabin. Of 
 this conduct we immediately complained to 
 the captain, who joined us in remonstrating 
 with these gentlemen, but to no purpose, for 
 they were alike indifferent to his reasoning as 
 our's ; ajid a shower of rain coming on soon 
 after we embarked, drove us to the disagree- 
 able necessity of descending for shelter, with 
 
 c 3 
 
 ^
 
 ."^4 NED CLINTON. 
 
 our luggage, into the middle deck, which was 
 crammed full of soldiers, their wives, and 
 children ; and so extremely hot and offensive, 
 that we both found ourselves ill after remain- 
 ing a few minutes there. Indeed, so in- 
 tolerable was the stench of this place, that we 
 soon ascended upon deck, preferring expo- 
 sure to the rain above, than suffering this 
 horrid nuisance. 
 
 From one of the Serjeants (named Read) 
 we learnt the characters of the officers of his 
 regiment who were on board. The command- 
 ing officer was Captain Fullertrick, who, by 
 the Serjeant's account, was a sly designing 
 fellow, a thorough sycophant to his superiors, 
 and constantly intriguiug for his own ad-^ 
 vancement ; no matter by what means, how- 
 ever vile or unjust to others. The next 
 senior officer was Captain Blunt, a blustering 
 fellow, who affected an honest openness of 
 manners, which enabled him to say many 
 rude things with impunity, which could not 
 be tolerated from any one else : this gentle- 
 man was also remarkable for his love of field 
 sports, and pugilistic contests.
 
 NED CLINTON. 35 
 
 The first subaltern was Lieutenant Man, 
 who acted as adjutant, a person who prided 
 himself on winning the knowledge of people's 
 secrets, by professing friendship towards them, 
 and appearing warmly interested in their be- 
 half; yet, at bottom, a good-for-nothing cha- 
 racter, courting and betraying every man, as 
 it served his own selfish purpose, but always 
 leaning towards his commanding officer, to 
 whom he was notorious for being attentive 
 and submissive, though troublesome and arbi- 
 trary to the soldiers, with whose wives he was 
 constantly intriguing. Johns, Hill, xMillet, 
 Cope, and Wright, were the other subaltern 
 officers on board ; the first and second of 
 whom were disliked by the soldiers, for their 
 overbearing tyrannical conduct. Millet pos- 
 sessed the affections of the men, and was re- 
 markable for manly independence of charaji<- 
 ter ; Cope was a mean shallow fellow, and 
 selfish in every respect; while the junior 
 officer, Wright, was beloved by the whole 
 corps, being a noble-minded manly young 
 fellow, always ready to do a good action, or 
 enter into a spirited adventure.
 
 36 NED CLINTOK. 
 
 But the most extraordinary person in the 
 ship was Quartermaster M'Sawney, a tho- 
 rough-bred North Briton, vulvar in his man- 
 ners, and ignorant of every thing except the 
 art of making money and rising in the world, 
 through a course of the most persevering 
 sycophancy and finesse. He had been a ser- 
 vant, a sailor, a negro-driver, a common sol- 
 dier, and had afterwards risen to be a serjeant, 
 a quartermaster-serjeant, and a quartermaster: 
 was humble as the dog that licks his master's 
 feet, to those above him, but haughty and in- 
 solent to those beneath him, as a governing 
 Turk to the meanest of his slaves. In short, 
 this man's vulgarity could only be equalled 
 by his ignorance, and his insolence by his 
 meanness. 
 
 The other military person on board was 
 Assistant-surgeon Evans, a Welchman, clever 
 in his profession, but thoroughly Obstinate in 
 his opinions, and always ready to argue with 
 any man upon any point, for this gentle- 
 man's opinions deviated from other people's 
 on every occasion. He was also remarkable 
 for bearing great antipathy towards the Irish.
 
 NED CLINTON. 37 
 
 After the serjeant had given us these particu- 
 lars concerning the military gentlemen, he 
 told us he expected a senior captain to either 
 of those now on board, and whom the soldiers 
 were anxious to see embark; that his name 
 was Grove, and he was an Englishman of 
 good property and connections, not a mean 
 sneaking adventurer like some of the others, 
 but a perfect gentleman, much beloved by the 
 men, who well knew him to be their friend ; 
 and as sincere in his intentions, as frank in 
 his manners to them. In short, that any good 
 soldier might addre*s him with confidence, 
 certain of obtaining full justice from an offi- 
 cer, looked up to as a father by his own com- 
 pany, and beloved by the whole regiment. 
 
 This favorite friend of the soldiers came on 
 board in the afternoon, and I was pleased at 
 recollecting I had dined in his company at 
 Colonel Toger's ; nor was he long in the brig 
 ere he recognised* me, and enquired if I was 
 going to Lisbon with them. Glover was near 
 me at the time, and having replied in the 
 affirmative, I solicited a private audience of 
 the captain, which he readily granted, and
 
 38 NED CLINTON. 
 
 Glover and I stated our complaints. He ap- 
 peared somewhat surprised, and desired us to 
 remain upon deck until he communicated 
 with us again on this subject ; after which, he 
 assembled the officers in the state cabin, and 
 the result of the meeting was, that the adju- 
 tant soon came to us with an invitation from 
 the officers to send our baggage into the 
 cabin, where they should feel happy in our 
 company to join their mess. 
 
 Of course we were not slow in complying 
 with this acceptable invitation, and were cor- 
 dially received by Captain Grove and several 
 of the other officers, particularly Lieutenants 
 Millet and Wright and the Welch surgeon ; 
 though in the countenances of some of the 
 officers dissatisfaction and spleen were evi- 
 dently marked. We dined with the officers 
 that day, and after dinner the mess arrange- 
 ments were made, and Glover and I paid our 
 shares of money for the stock of fresh provi- 
 sions ; while at night, as there were but eight 
 births in the cabin (which are chosen by seni- 
 ority of rank), we were obliged to spread our 
 mattresses upon the deck.
 
 NED CLINTON. 39 
 
 At day-light on the followhig morning we 
 weighed anchor, and set sail for Lisbon, in a 
 jfleet of ten sail of transports and several 
 other vessels, under the convoy of a sloop of 
 war. We passed through the Needles with a 
 light breeze, at an easy pleasant rate, w^hile 
 I enjoyed the most exquisite sensations on 
 this auspicious commencement of my first 
 voyage. But these delightful feelings were 
 soon damped ; for, when agreeable to sum- 
 mons, I descended into the cabin to partake 
 of breakfast, I found it impracticable to eat, 
 as all the violent symptoms of sea-sickness 
 suddenly attacked me, and I was glad to re- 
 turn to the upper deck for temporary relief. 
 The breeze freshened, and my illness iu- 
 creased : I felt miserably wretched, as every 
 one who suffers from sea-sickness must. But 
 I shall not attempt the description of an ill- 
 ness which so large a portion of my country- 
 men have been practicably sensible of, more 
 particularly, as its agonizing torments are for- 
 gotten by us almost as soon as over. Suffice 
 it to say, that 1 endured much by sickness for 
 three days, neither being able to sit up nor
 
 40 NED CLINTON. 
 
 lie down with the smallest comfort during 
 the whole period ; and my sufferings would 
 have been made still more severe, from the 
 want of a bed to lie upon during the day, 
 had not Lieutenant Wright indulged ^ne with 
 the use of his. 
 
 Glover, who had been a voyage before, 
 escaped this misery, as did most of the 
 officers, one or two of them only experi- 
 encing it ; nor did they suffer half so severely 
 as I, to whom the mere sight or smell of 
 victuals invariably brought on a return of 
 the illness, 
 
 The wind continued moderate and fair, 
 and our progress was consequently steady 
 and considerable, On the fourth day I was 
 able to dine at table. The dinners were 
 good, and the conversation often enter- 
 taining. During the day some of the officers 
 amused themselves by playing at cards, 
 draughts, or backgammon, and in the even- 
 ing smoking and drinking grog were added 
 to these pastimes. 
 
 It is on board a ship, upon a voyage, that 
 mens' characters are seen under the least
 
 NED CLIMTON. 41 
 
 disguise. It is here tliat constraint is forgotten, 
 and assumed habits thrown aside. Strange 
 as it may seem, yet it is true, that a man 
 who passes for a finished gentleman on shore, 
 frequently conducts himself like a thorough- 
 bred blackguard on board. Every thing bad 
 is tolerated at sea (and except on points of 
 duty), all passengers in the same cabin appear 
 to live on a perfect equality ; Ihat is to say, 
 they are equally rude, vulgar, obscene, and 
 blasphemous. As at the ancient annual fes- 
 tival of the Roman slaves, so is all regularity 
 and system, as to polite behaviour, over- 
 turned in a ship. 
 
 Neither were our conversations always 
 friendly, for there existed in the bosoms of 
 some of the officers, much ill-will towards 
 us poor commissaries clerks, w^hich, like a 
 smothered flame, often broke out when least 
 expected. These gentlemen felt indignant at 
 our having been admitted into the cabin, and 
 though they dared not publicly declare these 
 feelings, which were contrary both to the 
 vote of their collective body, and the opinion 
 of their commanding officer, yet they re-
 
 42 NED CLINTON. 
 
 venged themselves by taking every possible 
 opportunity of insulting us by insidious ob- 
 servations, and treating us with contempt; 
 though still their conduct was not sufificiently 
 marked to justify us in publicly resenting it. 
 
 No event of importance occurred during 
 the voyage, except on the seventh morning, 
 before any of the cabin passengers had risen, 
 when there was a general cry of fire through- 
 out the vessel, which alarmed us to so great 
 a degree, that every individual hastily ran 
 upon deck, without even waiting to put on an 
 article of clothing. It was a laughable sight 
 to see the deck, on a rainy morning, covered 
 with people, mostly in their shirts or shifts ; 
 for soldiers, sailors, women, and children, had 
 assembled promiscuously in a like hurried 
 manner. 
 
 The alarm had been caused by the overset- 
 ting of a pot of boiling pitch, but fortunately 
 the accident happened upon the upper deck, 
 where there were no combustible articles 
 in the way, and consequently the fire was 
 speedily extinguished, without causing any 
 serious mischief, and we all returned to our
 
 NED CLINTON. 43 
 
 nests to laugh over the adventure. This same 
 day the intelligent Serjeant Read (who gave 
 us the information concerning the officers) 
 happened to fall overboard, while the brig was 
 going at the rate of five knots an hour ; fortu- 
 nately he could swim well, and Captain Levett 
 had the jolly-boat manned, and lowered so 
 promptly, that the worthy Serjeant's life was 
 preserved, and he was brought on board in 
 safety, to the joy of every person in the brig. 
 Next day we were gratified by seeing the 
 coast of Portugal, near Lisbon ; but the wind 
 died away, and w^e could not enter the Tagus. 
 At this time the weather was beautiful, and 
 most of the officers took advantage of it, by 
 having their trunks opened on the after-deck, 
 and their linen exposed in the sun-beams to 
 air. Amongst other linen was that of Lieu- 
 tenant Cope's, which had been brought upon 
 deck by his servant, unknown to the lieu- 
 tenant, who happened to be engaged at cards 
 in the cabin. The man had spread the linen 
 upon the rudder-head, the tiller at that mo- 
 ment not being in motion, and the servant 
 perhaps ignorant that when the ship was put
 
 44 NED CLINTON. 
 
 about, or the tiller, from any other cause, 
 turned much to larboard or starboard, there 
 would be an opening on the deck round the 
 rudder, sufficiently large for any article of 
 clothing to fall through into the sea. At this 
 critical moment it so happened that Lieu- 
 tenant Cope came upon deck, and was the 
 only person who observed the perilous situa- 
 tion of the linen ; but the lieutenant was no- 
 torious for a love of mischief, and in this in- 
 stance he w^as doomed to be punished for it. 
 Far from removing the linen, or pointing out 
 its dangerous position, he inwardly chuckled 
 at what he saw, and remained silent until his 
 shirts and every other article had fallen into 
 the sea, when he triumphantly shouted out to 
 learn, " whose linen had fallen into Davy*s 
 locker?" But this unfeeling gentleman who 
 could be vastly merry at any other person's 
 mishap, evinced a different sort of conduct 
 where his personal interest was concerned ; 
 for, upon being informed it was his own linen, 
 he abused his servant for more than an hour, 
 swearing the man should make good every 
 shilling of the loss.
 
 NED CLINTON. 45 
 
 The lieutenant met with no commiseration 
 from his comrades, who knew his character 
 too well to regret the loss he had sustained ; 
 and though it was also well known to them 
 that he could ill afford to purchase a new 
 stock of linen, yet he was not the less laughed 
 at for this adventure; and it remains a stand- 
 ing joke against him in the regiment ; while 
 the cry of " whose linen is gone to Davy's 
 locker ?" is still known to the youngest bugle- 
 boy. 
 
 I could not resist joining in the general 
 laugh caused by this droll adventure, at which 
 the malignant lieutenant took great offence, 
 though he smothered his resentment for 
 another occasion, being ashamed to notice 
 my laughter while every individual was merry 
 at his expence, and also having enough to do 
 at the moment in abusing his servant ; but 
 when the cabin passengers were sitting at 
 table after dinner the same day, this touchy 
 gentleman felt stung at a joke made at his 
 expense by one of the party, and selected that 
 opportunity for attacking me, instead of re- 
 plying to the joke. " What," said he, almost 
 
 •1
 
 46 NED CLINTON. 
 
 •> 
 
 choking with ra^e, " am I to be made the butt 
 of every sneaking fellow ? is even a dirty com- 
 missariat clerk to turn me into ridicule r " 
 " Sir," said I, coolly, "if your allusion is in- 
 tended for me, and I presume it must be, for 
 Mr. Glover was not upon deck when your 
 property fell overboard, I must plainly tell 
 you, and without the smallest circumlocution, 
 that when I laughed, it was not at the accident, 
 but your own behaviour, which made laughter 
 unavoidable ; and with regard to the terra 
 you have indirectly bestowed upon me, of a 
 dirty commissariat clerk, rest assured it shall 
 reflect disgrace only upon yourself ; for before 
 this good company I now assert, that I am 
 neither dirtier nor more sneaking than your- 
 self; and that I am ready to make good my 
 words, when and where you think proper." 
 
 The petulant gentleman did not appear to 
 relish this language, and began making a re- 
 ply which seemed to incline towards an apo- 
 logy, when Captain Grove observed, that 
 this was not a subject to quarrel upon, and 
 that we should act wisely in shaking hands 
 and putting the bottle about. Thus the
 
 NED CLINTON. 47 
 
 argument terminated ; the wine was passed 
 round, but we did not shake hands. 
 
 The following morning we entered the 
 Tagus, the beautiful banks of which, at and 
 about Lisbon, are covered with showy and 
 magnificent buildings. We sailed slowly 
 along by the palace of Belem and the grand 
 old Moorish castle standing in the river ; and 
 while 1 looked on the golden sands of this 
 majestic stream, I mused, and involuntarily 
 sighed, on reflecting upon the fate of poor 
 Camiiens, the sweetest of Portuguese poet«, 
 whose lines on this river must ever be ad- 
 juired.
 
 48 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Clinton disembarks at Lisbon. — Dines at 
 a noted Ordinary, — Quarrels there. — 
 Ati Adventure which befel him on the 
 way home. 
 
 Glover and I having no charge of stores to 
 detain us in the brig, lost not a moment after 
 she came to anchor, in thanking captains 
 Grove and Levett for their politeness during 
 the voyage, and then proceeded in a Por- 
 tuguese boat to the shore. 
 
 We landed near the beautiful markets for 
 fruit and fish, perhaps the best supplied in 
 Europe, and where almost every thing I 
 observed, either surprised or delighted me. 
 The obsequious beggars particularly amused 
 and forced laughter from my friend and I, 
 as, with their cocked hats in hand, they 
 bowed like finished dancing-masters, impor-
 
 NED CLINTON. 49 
 
 tunately soliciting the meanest trifle, and in- 
 v^oking Santa Maria, and all the blessed saints 
 in the calendar, in tiieir behalf. The closely 
 shaved uncovered heads of the numerous 
 priests seemed to bespeak equal humility, but 
 their scowling eyes and haughty gaits inspire a 
 contrary sensation, and intimate that these 
 men are more to be dreaded than pitied. 
 
 My admiration increased as I penetrated 
 further into the town. The magnificence of 
 the public buildings inspires lofty ideas of the 
 former resources of this nation, and the real 
 greatness of its celebrated minister, Pomball ; 
 while Gold and Silver streets plainly evince 
 the flourishing condition of the present 
 traders. But my admiration was embittered 
 by disgust ; for though the houses are beautiful, 
 the streets are filthy ; and, with a climate 
 that is heavenly, the people are addicted to 
 the grossest vices. The whole country swarms 
 with priests, beggars and assassins. A mag- 
 nificent river flows in vain by this dirtiest of 
 cities, the streets of which are in a state of pu- 
 trefaction for want of being purified by water. 
 Horribly maimed and shockingly disgusting 
 
 VOL. L D
 
 50 NED CLINTON. 
 
 objects of deformity are exposed in every 
 thoroughfare, who loudly solicit charity from 
 every passenger ; some of these wretches 
 twisting their broken limbs about, and others 
 exposing naked sores, while even dead bodies 
 are laid out in the public streets, until a suf- 
 ficiency of money is collected on the corpse, 
 from charitable people, to pay for its inter- 
 ment. In short, this place, which might be 
 a sort of Paradise upon earth, is the scene 
 of every thing disgusting and abominable to 
 nature. — It is the very sink of depravity. 
 
 After walking through the most fashionable 
 streets of Lisbon, we proceeded to Belem, a 
 village on the banks of the river, about two 
 miles from the town, where the royal palace 
 stands ; but, in consequence of the royal 
 family having emigrated to the Brazils, the 
 palace was now occupied by British troops ; 
 and the chief commissary at Lisbon resided 
 ia it, at whose office Glover and I had to 
 report our arrival, which done, we obtained 
 billets and rations, and received orders to at- 
 tend on the following morning, to assist at 
 the issue of provisions to the troops.
 
 NED CLINTON. 51 
 
 By the aid of one of the numerous boys 
 who offer their services to the passengers in 
 every part of this town, I soon found my 
 billet, which was upon a grocer in the ri(c 
 Saletre ; and the old grocer, after attentively 
 examining my billet and its bearer, led me into 
 a good front room on the second floor, where, 
 with many bows and compliments, made in 
 broken French (for 1 knew nothing of the 
 Portuguese language, nor the grocer of Eng- 
 lish), he desired me to make myself quite at 
 home, and consider the room as my own ; 
 then, with as many more bows, he wished me 
 a bonus dias, and left me in possession of the 
 chamber, which was tolerably well furnished, 
 having a bedstead and bedding, a table, six 
 chairs, a chest of drawers, and a looking-glass 
 in it. 
 
 After depositing my luggage in the room, 
 and my rations in the cupboard, I descended 
 the stairs, and meeting my poJite landlord in 
 the passage, enquired if he would permit his 
 servant to cook my daily rations and those of 
 a friend, to which request he, with civil 
 words and a profusion of bows, assented. 
 
 d2 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UNiVFRSITY OF ILLINOIS
 
 52 NED CLINTON. 
 
 This point settled, 1 hastened to an appoint- 
 ed place, to find Glover, for whom I had to 
 wait upwards of an hour, and when he at 
 length came, he was hot, weary, and full of 
 complaints against the people upon whom he 
 had obtained billets, not having succeeded in 
 making one good out of the first three he 
 had procured, while, at the fourth billet, he 
 had been thrust into a miserable garret, which 
 contained no other furniture than a broken 
 bedstead, a dirty bed, and one chair. 
 
 After a laugh at his tribulation, I told him 
 of my success, and the arrangements I had 
 made for our messing together, which gave 
 him much pleasure, being a set-off against his 
 bad luck. Perceiving he was much fatigued, 
 I proposed we should stretch a point for once, 
 and dine at a good ordinary that day, to 
 which he agreed, and, for a trifling douceur 
 to a commissaire boy, we were conducted to 
 Monsieur Rosa's celebrated house in the rue 
 de Flora. We happened to enter as the 
 dinner was being served upon the table, and 
 our hungry sea stomachs enabled us to do more 
 ample justice to the cookery of Monsieur Rosa,
 
 NED CLINTON. 53 
 
 than that restaurateur seemed to approve. In 
 truth, we entered the house at so critical an 
 instant, and set-to so vigourously at the work 
 of destruction, that the rest of the company 
 viewed us with astonishment, while we at- 
 tended to nothing- else than the good cheer. 
 But, alas I all sublunary things must have an 
 end. We partook of many a dish before our 
 appetites failed, and we drank many a glass 
 of wine with the good people who invited us, 
 before we knew or cared any thing about who 
 or what they were. We were like devouring 
 locusts, and, doubtless, from the looks and 
 manner of Monsieur Rosa, bethought us most 
 unprofitable guests. 
 
 At last, our sea appetites were cloyed, and 
 we found leisure to notice the company and 
 listen to the coversation. At the top of the 
 table sat Madame Le Mark, a lady apparently 
 about sixty years old. She spoke French and 
 Portuguese, but knew nothing of English. On 
 her rightsat Major Brock, a British officer, and 
 on her left Captain Pin, an English officer in 
 the Portuguese service. Next to these gentle- 
 men sat two lieutenants of the English navv,
 
 54 NED CLINTON. 
 
 whOjWithtwoPortuguese gentlemen, Monsieur 
 Rosa at the lower end of the table, and Glover 
 and I, constituted the entire of the party. 
 
 Though most of the company evidently 
 were strangers to each other, the conversation 
 was scandalously indecent, and the old lady 
 expressed delight at many loose remarks, for 
 which their authors ought to have been turned 
 out of the room. Indeed, to so degraded a 
 point were the manners of this society re- 
 duced, that the indecent speeches of those 
 British officers who were ignorant of any 
 foreign language, were explained for the edi- 
 fication of this old wanton, who was rich and 
 of a noble family, and from choice lived in 
 this disgusting manner ; presiding at a public 
 ordinary, encouraging improper conversation, 
 and more than suspected of being too familiar 
 with the master of the house, who was known 
 to command her purse. At length, to the 
 great satisfaction of the party, she found it 
 advisable to retire, having been so liberally 
 plied with wine that she could with difficulty 
 stagger out of the room. 
 
 After the departure of Madame Le Mark,
 
 NED CLINTON. 55 
 
 the company entered into much pleasant con- 
 versation, and Glover and I remained at table 
 until it was full time to find our billets and 
 retire to repose ; but, at the moment we rose, 
 Lieutenant Cope entered the room to see 
 Captain Pin, and in compliment to the lieu- 
 tenant we resumed our places. 
 
 No doubt Mr. Cope whispered his friend 
 that we were commissariat clerks, for, after 
 some little time, the conversation turned upon 
 our department, which was treated with great 
 freedom, and, upon one of the party mention- 
 ing the clerks, Lieutenant Cope plainly insi- 
 nuated that he deemed such people unfit for 
 the society of gentlemen ; on which Glover 
 indignantly said, that every person must make 
 a beginning in his profession. The mili- 
 tary officer, it was true, generally commen- 
 ced as an ensign or cornet, though when 
 he began as a cadet it was no disgrace to him, 
 neither did that humble situation disqualify 
 him for the society of gentlemen. In fact, 
 continued he, it is ill-bred in any man to 
 make the insinuation which has been made at 
 this table, and for his part he was not ashamed
 
 56 NED CLINTON. 
 
 to own his situation ; he was but a commis- 
 sariat clerk, yet he thought himself fit society for 
 any gentlemen, particularly as he was born of 
 g-ood parents, and tolerably well educated. 
 
 Mr. Cope replied, that what Mr. Glover bad 
 said was undoubtedly correct; namely, that 
 young men must commence at the bottom of 
 their several professions ; " but," added he, 
 " what gentleman of birth could think of be- 
 coming a commissariat clerk." " Many," 
 answered Glover, "no doubt of as exalted a 
 parentage as yourself, or the generality of 
 military officers." This speech so nettled the 
 lieutenant, who, by the by, was the son of a 
 retail grocer, that he contemptuously said, 
 it was easy enough to make assertions ; but, 
 for his part, he had heard of commissariat 
 clerks whose parents were any thing else than 
 respectable people. He remembered one of 
 the name of Ross, whose father was a jour- 
 nej^man tailor ; and he had heard of another, 
 whose father watered horses at a hackney- 
 coach stand in Piccadilly. " All this may 
 be true," answered Glover, " yet it does not 
 weaken my assertion, nor reflect disgrace on
 
 NED CLINTON. 57 
 
 my department, any more than my adducing 
 instances of a tailor, or other low person, 
 rising to be an officer in the army, would de- 
 tract from the respectability of that honorable 
 situation." " You are free, sir, in your com- 
 parisons," said Captain Pin, " but ere we be- 
 come your converts, perhaps, for our convic- 
 tion, you will be kind enough to specify an 
 instance or two of a respectable youth becom- 
 ing a commissariat clerk." " I have little 
 acquaintance, as yet, in the department to 
 which I have the honor to belong," replied 
 Glover, " therefore I want opportunities for 
 selection, and must beg you will be content 
 with my parentage and education, and those 
 of Mr. Clinton, for we are neither of us more 
 than clerks." '' 'Tis well," said Lieutenant 
 Cope, grinning maliciously, " we must be 
 content with these gentlemen, as specimens of 
 the members of their department. Pray, sir, 
 now oblige us with the tale of your pedi- 
 grees." " 'Tis done, gentlemen," replied 
 Glover most sarcastically, '' in a very few 
 words ; my education was at the college 
 •school at Hereford, where my father lives on 
 
 D 3
 
 58 NED CLINTON. 
 
 his private property, and has the honor to be 
 an alderman. Mr. Clinton*s parentag-e is 
 noble ; he is well educated ; and his descent 
 on the paternal side, and in no remote degree, 
 is from an English earl, while his mother is 
 the daughter of an old baronet." '' Both 
 your families, gentlemen," observed Major 
 Brock, *' are truly respectable, and your de- 
 partment may be congratulated on possessing- 
 such members." " Yes," major, replied Lieu- 
 tenant Cope, " should there be no mistake in 
 the pedigrees." " Sir," said I, laughing, and 
 hoping to turn the conversation, " I trust we 
 are not quite so ignorant of our ancestry as 
 you were of your linen, when it fell over- 
 board." <* Perhaps not," cried the lieutenant, 
 " but when we are ignorant of our ancestry, 
 'tis as well to make out a good pedio^ree for 
 ourselves." " Your words," said Glover, 
 ** seem to imply a suspicion that I have not 
 related the truth." " To be plain," answered 
 the lieutenant, " your story sounded rather 
 marvellous, and you felt no hesitation in 
 volunteering a noble pedigree for your bro- 
 ther clerk. But all is not gold that glitters.
 
 NED CLINTON. 59 
 
 sir, and since you put the question to me, 1 
 shall even acknowledge my doubts of the cor- 
 rectness of your statement." " Then, sir," 
 said I, in great anger, " you insinuate that I 
 am a liar, for my friend Mr. Glover, in telling 
 you what he has done of my parentage, has 
 told you nothing more than what he learnt 
 from myself." " You may consider my 
 doubts," replied the lieutenant, " in whatever 
 light you please, and to reflect on whom you 
 will." *' Then," exclaimed [, without hesi- 
 tation, " you are an impudent rascal I" The 
 lieutenant immediately started up from his 
 chair to use violence towards me, but the 
 company forcibly restrained him ; and my 
 friend got up and took me by the arm, ob- 
 serving, as we left the room, '< that our ad- 
 dresses should be left with the landlord for 
 Lieutenant Cope's information." 
 
 W^ now paid our reckoning in the en- 
 trance chamber, where Glover wrote down 
 our directions, which he left with Monsieur 
 Rosa ; and having done this, we proceeded 
 into the street, where we canvassed over our 
 late adventure, and my friend promised to be
 
 60 NED CLINTON. 
 
 my second, in the event of a challenge being- 
 the result of our quarrel. 
 
 While walking arm in arm together, on 
 our way home, and engaged in earnest con- 
 versation, our attention was suddenly at- 
 tracted by a shrill exclamation, proceeding 
 from a lofty window over our heads, and 
 looking up to see what was the matter, we 
 both received, full in our faces, the contents 
 of a large chamber implement of filth, which 
 was discharged from the said window. As 
 soon as we recovered breath, from the over- 
 powering nature of its contents, we banged 
 loudly at the door of the house to obtain re- 
 dress, but no one came to it, so at last we 
 were glad to stagger home to our billets, 
 angry, wet, most offensively dirty, and ii> 
 liquor. 
 
 .-rtt
 
 NED CLINTON. 61 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 Clinton goes to the Opera.^'Some Charac- 
 ters there described. — The Quarrel ad- 
 justed. — Visits a Hell. — A sad Catas- 
 trophe. — Description of a Gambler at 
 Rouge ei Noir. 
 
 Neither the filthy pickle in which I return^ 
 ed home, nor my reflections upon the probable 
 result of my quarrel with Lieutenant Cope, 
 prevented my sleeping- soundly all night ; 
 though, I suspect, I was indebted for this 
 happiness to the quantity and quality of the 
 wine I had imbibed. But be the cause what- 
 ever it may, I certainly never slept sounder in 
 my life ; and even at a late hour on the fol- 
 lowing morning 1 continued buried in pro- 
 found sleep, until my landlord awoke me, by 
 knocking loudly at my chamber door.
 
 62 NED CLINTON. 
 
 The good man came to invite me to break- 
 fast, but the powerful effluvia which filled the 
 room evidently forced him to curtail his usual 
 number of bows, and to retire down stairs in 
 great haste ; though he soon returned, bring- 
 ing with him half a bottle of strong perfume, 
 part of which he applied to his nose and 
 handkerchief ere he ventured to approach 
 m}^ bed, to present the remainder to me, 
 which he recommended to my immediate use. 
 I smiled, and told him the nasty adventure ©f 
 the preceding night, at which he laughed 
 heartily, but assured me it was a common oc- 
 currence to strangers ; while those who knew 
 the customs of the town always escaped such 
 presents, by running into the middle of the 
 street whenever they heard the cry of aqua' 
 vi, which he cautioned me to be attentive to 
 in future ; and, in short, he said I should act 
 wisely by always walking in the middle of the 
 street after dusk in the evening. 
 
 By the assistance of soap and water, aided 
 by the grocer's perfume, I contrived to make 
 myself tolerable sweet, ere I descended into 
 the parlour to partake of my kind host's
 
 NED CLINTON. 63 
 
 breakfast ; at which, besides himself, was his 
 wife, a good sort of motherly woman, about 
 forty years of age, and his daughter, a to- 
 lerable pretty giri of fifteen. They w^ere all 
 much amused at my adventure, and laughed 
 heartily at my expense. My debauch of the 
 preceding night had not injured my appe- 
 tite, and I made an excellent breakfast, at 
 which, for the first time in my life, I partook 
 of a water melon. This meal over, I pro- 
 ceeded to Belem, where I met Glover, none 
 the worse for the night's adventures. We 
 were employed that day in the avocations of 
 our department, and in the evening treated 
 ourselves to the opera, which had been warm- 
 ly extolled at our dinner party on the pre- 
 ceding day, and which really proved an 
 enchanting spectacle to us. We wei^ de- 
 lighted with every part of it ; the dancing, 
 singing, and acting, giving us equal pleasure. 
 During the opera we entered into conver- 
 sation with a young Portuguese gentleman 
 who sat near us, and was a thoroug-h master 
 of the French language. He proved an 
 amusing companion, telling us a vast number
 
 64 NED CLINTON. 
 
 of anecdotes concerning the chief singers 
 and dancers, together with many adventures 
 of the nobility and fashionables, as well fo- 
 reigners as natives. *' Observe that actor," 
 said he, '* he is called Signior Romero, and 
 is the declared favorite of the Marchioness 
 de R — , who lives in public with him. Listen 
 to that enchanting singer, she refused fifty 
 good offers to marry a paltry sailor, whom 
 she soon afterwards forsook, and has since 
 had fifty gallants. At present she intrigues 
 with half the fashionable men in Lisbon, 
 though her acknowledged supporter is Sir 
 Godfrey Webb, a youthful English baronet^ 
 who, by the aid of gambling and women, has 
 already nearly run through his property, and 
 is to be seen every night at some of the hells, 
 and the opera house. Look at that dan- 
 cer," added the Portuguese, " she is support- 
 ed by the old Count Noble, who follows her 
 like a shadow. It is said he carries a stiletto 
 to stab her, should he detect her in an act of 
 infidelity." Thus we were amused by this 
 gentleman, who related anecdotes until the 
 conclusion of the opera, when we partedj
 
 NED CLINTON. 65 
 
 ?iiter making an appointment to meet on the 
 following: evening", for the purpose of obtain- 
 ing an introduction from him into a hell. 
 
 On my arrival at home, I found a note from 
 Captain Blunt, who called on the part of 
 Lieut. Cope, and not finding me at home, had 
 appointed to call again at an early hour next 
 morning". I must own I did not sleep very 
 sound after this communication ; my head 
 run upon a duel, the idea of which gave me 
 no satisfaction. However, I resolved to put 
 on a good face, and summon all the courage 
 I could muster, that I might get honorably 
 through the quarrel ; though, at bottom, I 
 sincerely hoped there would be no fighting. 
 
 Next morning, Captain Blunt called ac- 
 cording to agreement, when I referred him 
 to Mr. Glover; and, after much explanation 
 and altercation between them, the captain 
 concluded, by saying, that Lieutenant Cope 
 could not with propriety meet a commissariat 
 clerk ; besides, the whole business seemed to 
 be nothing more than a drunken frolic, there 
 fore he should propose that a mutual apology 
 took place. Glover replied, that Lieutenant
 
 66 NED CLINTON. 
 
 Cope had been the aggressor, and that before 
 he offended a gentleman he should look to 
 the consequences ; but if the affair was to be 
 settled by apologies, he should insist on Mr. 
 Cope making the first apology. This was at 
 last agreed to ; and we proceeded, the same 
 day, to Monsieur Rosa's, where we met Lieu- 
 tenant Cope, and in presence of several of the 
 party who had been at the dinner on the pre- 
 ceding day, our apologies were made and 
 accepted ; after which we shook hands, and 
 drank a bottle of wine together, though I 
 plainly perceived that the reconciliation, on 
 the side of Mr. Cope, was far from being cor- 
 dial and sincere. 
 
 We left the restaurateur's to attend the ap- 
 pointment of our Portuguese opera acquaint- 
 ance, who, according to promise, introduced 
 us to a professed gambling-house, very appro- 
 priately denominated hell ; for all the violent 
 passions which afflict mankind, and create 
 hellish torments to the bosom, reigned in full 
 plenitude of power in this Satanic palace. 
 
 But, alas, my reflections were not of this 
 nature when I first entered the brilliant play
 
 NED CLINTON. ^ 67 
 
 rooms. Aly sig-Iit was then gratified by their 
 magnificence, and my senses bewildered by 
 the profusion of gold and silver coins that 
 glittered on the tables. 1 fancied myself in 
 the mansion of a Croesus, while, from the ap- 
 parently careless manner in which gold and 
 silver coins were paid away and received, they 
 seemed to be valued as little as pebbles. The 
 rooms were full of company, and every chair 
 was occupied at the various tables by punters, 
 while others stood behind those who were 
 seated, all alike eager to play. Many British 
 officers of the army and navy were present, 
 as were also captains of trading ships, com- 
 missaries, doctors, and other attendants upon 
 the army. In short, the rooms were crowded 
 to excess, and most intolerably hot. The 
 young baronet, of whom the Portuguese had 
 made mention, was playing very high stakes, 
 as were several other English officers, but the 
 majority of the punters were playing for 
 small stakes. 
 
 1 could not resist the temptation to try 
 my luck at the rourje et noir table. I had
 
 
 68 NED CLINTON. 
 
 twenty dollars in my pocket, and commenced 
 by playing a single dollar ; and Fortune, as 
 she usually does with beginners, favored me, 
 till I made my capital into more than forty 
 dollars. Glover also tried his luck, and soon 
 doubled his money. Thus matters went on 
 pleasantly for some time, and the Portuguese 
 gentleman, observing that lie had forgotten 
 his purse, occasionally borrowed a dollar or 
 two, until each of us had lent him about two 
 pounds of English money. All which, after 
 playing for some time with alternate success, 
 he told us he had lost. 
 
 At last, for the Spirit of gaming is not to be 
 allayed. Glover and I, who had put up our 
 money, sat down to play again, to make up 
 the sums we had lent ; and finally concluded 
 the evening's amusement by losing every shil- 
 ling we possessed, and returned home dis- 
 pirited and disgusted. Yet such was the in- 
 fatuation which possessed us both, that we 
 continued to frequent this nocturnal scene of 
 iniquity for several successiv^e nights, until we 
 had not only lost every shilling we were mas-
 
 :. NED CLINTOX. '^■'' 69 
 
 .jfesl^^f, but had pledged our watches at the 
 fddht de pitt6j and lost the money for which 
 they were pawned. 
 
 It is now we had full leisure to observe 
 the miserable consequences attending this de- 
 structive game. It causes rage and despair. 
 It drives men to commit every species of 
 guilt ; to betray trust and confidence ; to rob — 
 ah, and to murder! Often have unfortunate 
 punters dashed their heads against the walls of 
 the elegant rouge rooms, broke the rich fur- 
 niture and glasses, and insulted strangers for 
 merely looking at them. It is here that men 
 iose all they can collect, even to the last shil- 
 14ng, and finally commit robbery or suicide. 
 
 A melancholy event of this last description 
 fortunately cured me of the infatuation for 
 play. The young Portuguese with whom we 
 became acquainted at the opera, and who had 
 introduced us at this hell, had long been a 
 votary to this game. He had lost every thing 
 he possessed, and borrowed and obtained trust 
 as long as his credit was good, until not able 
 to procure the means of existence any longer, 
 quite pennyless, and unceasingly harassed by
 
 70 N£D CLINTON. 
 
 creditors, he, with a borrowed pistol (which 
 he suddenly drew from beneath his w^aistcoat), 
 blew out his brains in the middle of the gam- 
 bling room, which at the time was full of 
 company, and, amongst others, Glover and I 
 witnessed the horrid spectacle. 
 
 I shall never forget the effect produced 
 upon me by this shocking sight, but from that 
 night I never entered a gambling-house more, 
 and, however long T may live, I am convinced 
 I never shall. I returned home with a mind 
 replete with horror, and, in place of retiring 
 to bed, spent the night in meditation, and 
 wrote, as a caution to other young men, the 
 following description of a gambler at rouge 
 et noir, — " It is heart-rending to observe the 
 progress of the unfortunate votaries to this 
 destructive game, as they gradually sink into 
 the various stages of misery and want. A 
 young man of fortune is first seen playing 
 high stakes, with hundreds, ah, even thou- 
 sands of pounds piled before him. He has 
 alternate success, until losses throw him off 
 his guard; desperation then seizes him, and he 
 loses all. The following day he appears with
 
 KED CLINTON. 71 
 
 a new capital, and is ag-ain unsuccessful. Thus 
 he goes on , day after day, till his resources are 
 exhausted, all his best clothes pawned, his 
 credit gone, and his character blasted. He 
 can now only play occasionally, and when he 
 does play, his stake is half-a-crown, or lessj as 
 the gambling-house he frequents may admit. 
 
 His appearance, which was at first fashion- 
 able and gay, and his clothes new and well 
 made, are now sadly changed. He is haggard 
 and pale, pining under distress and care ; has 
 passed the preceding night at the rouge table, 
 and afterwards lingered time away at a hell 
 for hazard, until the broad glare of day dis- 
 persed the players, from amongst v\'hom, and 
 the waiters at the tables, he vainly attempted 
 to borrow a single shilling. Poor fellow ! his 
 fine spirit is gone, he shuns the companions of 
 his brighter days. He is himself avoided, and 
 styled a gamester or black-leg. Look at him ! 
 Where is the man of fashion ? This cannot 
 be him. This young man has a rusty hat and 
 thread-bare coat on ; he wears patched boots 
 and dirty linen ; his pantaloons are in holes, 
 and he is detected sneaking through lanes
 
 72 NED CLINTON. 
 
 and courts to avoid his creditors, for he owes 
 money to every person who would trust him. 
 Such is the career of an unsuccessful gam- 
 bler ; one of a miserable race of men, usually 
 doomed to terminate their days in jail, by 
 suicide, or on a gibbet !
 
 NED CLINTON. 73 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Clinton is distressed. — Receives Orders to 
 proceed to Coimbra. — Captain Grove re- 
 lieves him. — Is engaged in a strange 
 Adventure. 
 
 My feelings were now most painfully acute ; 
 I had scarcely been a month from home, and 
 yet I had twice lost all I possessed, while my 
 father had both distressed himself and incon- 
 venienced his family by the expenses of fit- 
 ting me out and replacing my first loss. To 
 apply to him again under these circumstances 
 was totally out of the question, especially as 
 1 had lost my money m an infamous manner 
 at a public gaming-house. In a word, I really 
 think I should sooner have perished than sub- 
 mitted to apply to him ; but I had no reason to 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 74 NED CLINTON. 
 
 fear dying for want, as, at the worst, my ra- 
 tions would ajfford me sufficient nourishment. 
 
 As long as a gamester continues in the daily 
 habit of playing, he is enlivened by hope ; and 
 although he may come home at night penny- 
 less, and with a distracted mind, yet, provided 
 he musters a stake or two, he returns to the 
 scene of ruin on the following day ; and even 
 if without money, still he directs his steps to 
 the gaming-house, in the hope of borrowing 
 a trifle from some more fortunate player. 
 But t had no delusive hope of this kind either 
 to cheer or mislead me. I had determined 
 never to enter a gambling-house again, nor to 
 hazard any material sum upon any game of 
 chance, therefore with me the dye seemed 
 fixed. I was poor and distressed, and likely 
 to remain so for some time, as I could see no 
 early chance of being extricated from my 
 poverty, having no monied friend to assist 
 me. From economy alone I could expect 
 relief, and that relief would be slow in 
 coming. 
 
 Glover's situation was somewhat similar to 
 mine ; he, like me, was without money ; but
 
 NED CLINTON. 75 
 
 he had this advantage, his father was wealthy, 
 and would honor his bill for a reasonable 
 sum, though hitherto he had failed in his en- 
 deavours to get a bill negociated. 
 
 Matters continued in this way with us for 
 some days, during which we lived together 
 upon our rations, while neither possessed a 
 coin of any kind, nor had either of us a dollar 
 of pay to receive for more than a fortnight ; 
 and, to add to our misery in this distress, we 
 received orders to proceed at two days' notice 
 to Coimbra, with a supply of commissariat 
 stores destined for the use of the army. 
 
 Fortunately, on the evening of the day we 
 received the order for marching, that excel- 
 lent man, Captain Grove, called upon me 
 while I was sitting with Glover, contem- 
 plating our unpleasant situation, with an 
 empty ration wine bottle before us. He had 
 heard something of my quarrel with Lieu- 
 tenant Cope, and now enquired into the par- 
 ticulars, which evidently did not benefit the 
 lieutenant in his estimation, tho^igh he made 
 no remark at the time. The captain had also 
 heard of our having been frequently seen at 
 
 e2
 
 76 NED CLINTON. 
 
 the gaming table, and of the dreadful suicide 
 of the Portuguese gentleman, which tempted 
 us to relate to him the folly we had been 
 guilty of at the gambling-house, the distress 
 we were consequently suffering under, and 
 the determination we had formed of never 
 more entering a place of that kind. 
 
 He congratulated us upon the resolution we 
 had made, observing, we must never swerve 
 from it, or we should be lost men; for, by fre- 
 quenting houses of play, we should soon be- 
 come incurable gamblers, whose words would 
 be unworthy of credit; " for a professed 
 gamester's promise, or even his oath," added 
 the captain, " is not worth a straw. But," 
 continued this worthy man, '' that my words 
 may not meet the usual fate of advice, which 
 is in general despised or forgotten because 
 the adviser renders no other service, I must 
 put you in a way to prepare for the march 
 up the country. If I was a single man," 
 continued he, " I should propose lending 
 what spare money I have by me, till it might 
 suit your convenience to repay it ; but being 
 a married man, with a family who require all
 
 NED CLINTON. 77 
 
 the supplies I can remit home, I must content 
 myself with proposing to cash Mr. Glover's bill 
 upon his father for fifty guineas, which, pro- 
 vided Mr. G. accommodates his friend, as 1 
 doubt not but he will do, will enable you 
 both to proceed on the march to the army 
 with a decent outfit, and some few comforts." 
 
 We thanked the captain for this unsolicited 
 friendly offer, which was truly liberal, and 
 Glover lost no time in drawing the bill, which 
 was immediately cashed, and he generously 
 lent me twenty pounds of the money. 
 
 This happy relief from embarrassments com- 
 pletely eased our minds, and afforded us sin- 
 cere pleasure. The next morning we set to 
 work in preparing for the approaching cam- 
 paign. We redeemed our watches, and each 
 bought a tolerable good horse, with bridle 
 and saddle, together with various other things 
 necessary to our comforts. It is true, we 
 ought to have procured a mule or ass each for 
 our luggage, but we could not spare the mo- 
 ney ; besides, we justly calculated upon the 
 advantages of being attached to the commis- 
 sariat department, which, amongst other con
 
 78 NED CLINTOX. 
 
 venient things, almost always affords the 
 means of conveyance for priv^ate luggage at 
 the public expense 
 
 Contrary to the customary conduct of the 
 natives of Lisbon on similar occasions, my good 
 landlord and his family seemed concerned at 
 my approaching departure, and, by invitation, 
 Glover and 1 dined with them on the day 
 preceding our march, when our conviviality 
 was interruptedby the following circumstance. 
 
 Glover, who was gaily inclined towards the 
 fair sex, and was a handsome young fellow to 
 boot, had formed an intimacy with the cele- 
 brated Signiora Murinelle ; in short, it is not to 
 be disguised that he carried on a regular intrigue 
 with this highly admired opera dancer ; and 
 while we were enjoying ourselves with the gro- 
 cer's famil}^ a letter was brought to my friend, 
 which he handed me to read, and which bore 
 the signiora's signature. It contained an ear- 
 nest request for Glover to attend its bearer im- 
 mediately, accompanied by some trusty friend, 
 and both to be armed, as she had something of 
 consequence to impart regarding his safety. 
 
 Thus we felt compelled to quit this worthy
 
 NED CLINTON. 79 
 
 party in a hasty manner, alleging, as an 
 excuse to them, that military business called 
 us away. Having put on our swords, we fol- 
 lowed the lady's messenger in silence, until he 
 came to a large mansion, into which he con- 
 ducted us ; and, leaving me in a magnificent 
 apartment, escorted my companion to a dif- 
 ferent part of the house. 
 
 I waited alone in considerable suspense for 
 upwards of half an hour, when Glover re- 
 lieved my anxiety by entering the room, and, 
 without any explanation, taking my arm, led 
 me into the street, when he said he had some- 
 thing of moment to communicate, and we had 
 best adjourn to some private walk, where he 
 might tell it without being overheard or ob- 
 served. 
 
 Having got to a retired part of the PlaCe 
 d' Inquisition, Glover told me he had been fa- 
 vored with an interview by the signiora, while 
 I waited in the saloon. That she told him she 
 had sent for us to that house, which belonged 
 to a freind of her's, that our meeting might 
 not be known ; *' for," added she, " the jealous 
 old fool has found out our intimacy : or, more
 
 80 NED CLINTON. 
 
 properly speaking, he has discovered that I 
 have had various meetings with some youthful 
 cavalier ; and having, through some channel 
 or other, got intimation that I purpose recei- 
 ving a visit from the favorite person to night, 
 the old dotard has resolved upon revenge ; not 
 by stabbing me, as he formerly threatened, but 
 by assassinating my admirer; and, in hopes of 
 executing this honorable intention, the old 
 beau is now preparing to hide himself in a 
 closet at my house, where he shall be well 
 chastised, my dear fellow, by you; and I am 
 most eggregiously mistaken if the wholesome 
 discipline does not cure him of this jealous 
 humour. But," resumed the fair lady, per- 
 ceiving I was surprised at her discourse, " it 
 is proper I should explain to you by what 
 methods we are to punish my superannuated 
 spark, who I well know to be a rank coward, 
 although he would not scruple at an assassina- 
 tion, because he knows that his rank and in- 
 fluence would clear him from any dangerous 
 consequences resulting from it. It is inti- 
 mated that my admirer will be with me at ten 
 o'clock, therefore the count will hide himself
 
 NED CLINTON. 81 
 
 in a closet close to the entrance door of my 
 chamber before that hour, and a hired assassin 
 is at the same time to be hid in the closet oppo- 
 site to him. The old fool has not the courage to 
 commit a murder, therefore the bravo is hired 
 to perform the sanguinary act ; after which, 
 the dotard's plan is to rush into my chamber, 
 with the bloody dagger in his hand, for the pur- 
 pose of holding it to my bosom and threaten- 
 ing my life. Now," continued the fair sig- 
 niora, "my dear fellow, we must both disap- 
 point and punish the old dotard ; for which 
 purpose, I shall take care that my trusty gover- 
 nante preesnts a powerful sleeping draught, in 
 the shape of a cordial, to the bravo, who will 
 be disguised as one of the count's servants ; 
 and also that she despatches all my servants 
 upon messages to different distant places, 
 where they shall be detained for several hours ; ^ 
 besides, to prevent even the possibility of acci- 
 dent, the bravo shall be safely locked in the closet. 
 As soon as every thing is ready, I will make 
 a sign to you from the chamber windov^ 
 opposite to which you must be waiting, some- 
 what before ten o'clock; and as soon as the 
 
 e3
 
 NED CLINTON. 
 
 sign is made tlie front door shall be opened, 
 to admit your friend and you, and masks and 
 pistols shall be ready for you both, together 
 with a sack. When you are disguised, the 
 governante shall show you the closet, where 
 you must rush on the old wretch, who will 
 be crouched in it like a hare in its form ; and 
 then, with frightful imprecations, force him 
 into the sack, which tie tightly over him with 
 a cord you will find ready at hand. This 
 done, the governante will open the street 
 door, and you must carry the sack and its 
 contents, and deposit them upon the heap of 
 dirt on the opposite side of the street, under 
 the convent wall, where you will leave the 
 old fellow to cool, and I vshall give you no 
 futher trouble ; for it shall be my office to 
 release him from purgatory, when, by the 
 blessed Santa Maria, I shall richly merit his 
 warmest thanks." 
 
 " Though 1 did not much relish the busi- 
 ness," added Glover, " yet the novelty of the 
 proposed adventure made me laugh ; while 
 the desire of pleasing the fair signiora, and 
 taking some revenge on the old gallant for
 
 NED CLINTON S3 
 
 his diabolical intentions towards me, decided 
 me in acceding to her wishes, and I signified 
 my compliance, and sealed the promise with 
 a kiss on her rosy lips. Now," concluded 
 he, '*it rests with you, Clinton, to do exactly 
 as you please ; for though your assistance 
 would be most acceptable in this adventure, 
 yet, if you feel the smallest disinclination to 
 the affair, say so at once, and 1 will undertake 
 it alone ; for my word is pledged to the lady, 
 and it shall not be my fault if the business is 
 not achieved." 
 
 *' My dear friend," replied I, *'can you 
 possibly doubt my willingness to join you 
 in this or any other adventure. I can only 
 say, I am glad the opportunity offers, as it 
 gives me pleasure to render you a service, 
 but 1 wish it vvas of a more serious nature, for 
 what you propose promises more merriment 
 than danger or trouble," 
 
 " It is just as 1 expected," answered Glover, 
 ** I knew you would join me ; and I think 
 that the recollection of the adventure we 
 are about to perform will often serve us to 
 laugh over, should we live to see riper years ;
 
 SA NED CLINTON. 
 
 but," added he, " it is now only nine o'clock, 
 let's away to the nearest coffee-house to par- 
 take of a bottle, which may aid our courage 
 against the appointed hour." 
 
 We were punctual to the time and place, but 
 waited nearly an hour before the precon- 
 certed signal was made, during which sus- 
 pense I confess that my zeal for the adven- 
 ture materially cooled, and I felt various 
 unpleasant reflections on the probability of 
 our becoming the dupes of a more designing 
 person, and perhaps being assassinated. But 
 although these feelings gained upon me, I was 
 ashamed to acknowledge the state of my 
 thoughts. 
 
 At length the looked-for signal was made, 
 and I had no more spare time for contempla- 
 tion. The door was opened, and we were 
 masked, armed with pistols, and furnished with 
 a sack ; after which we proceeded up stairs, 
 guided by the old governante, who shewed 
 us the closet door, and then retired out of 
 sight until we had seized the count, who was 
 frightfully alarmed, and most earnestly im- 
 plored for mercy on his knees ; but, regardless
 
 NED CLINTOX. 85 
 
 of his cries, we forced him into the filthy sack, 
 and tied it tightly up, when thesignioraand her 
 governante appeared, and, in disguised voices, 
 most vehemently affirmed, that he should be 
 murdered directly, and his body thrown into 
 the Tagus, if he dared make further noise 
 while he remained in confinement. 
 
 These threats effectually silenced the count, 
 and Glover and T carried the load between us, 
 and threw it upon the dung-heap already 
 mentioned, while the old governante followed 
 with a large pail of slush, which she delibe- 
 rately poured over the sack, 
 
 I should observe, that while this ceremony 
 took place, we heard nothing of the fellow 
 hid in the closet ; but whether he was kept 
 silent by the sleeping dose, his fears, or from 
 being locked up, we did not trouble our- 
 selves to ascertain. As soon as the business was 
 completed, we returned for a moment to the 
 house, but entered no further than the 
 passage, where the signiora put a beautiful 
 diamond ring upon one of Glover's fingers, 
 and a handsome topaz ring upon mine, and 
 told us she should soon terminate the adven- 
 ture, bv extricating the old fool from the
 
 86 NED CLINTON. 
 
 sack; but, that as she purposed laying the 
 whole affair to thieves, she cautioned us to 
 keep it a profound secret. Then requesting 
 us to visit her when we returned to Lisbon, 
 she, without more ceremony, kissed Glover, 
 bid us bonas notes, and shut the door. 
 
 After quitting the signiora curiosity induced 
 us to cross the street, to take a farewell look 
 at the bag, from which we saw at least half a 
 dozen ravenous dogs (with which the streets 
 of Lisbon always abound) busily employed in 
 licking the grease, regardless of the groans 
 and lamentations issuing from the sack. 
 
 Our pity was moved for the sufferings of 
 the old nobleman, but we could not interfere 
 in the business ; though we remained hid be- 
 hind a corner, at a safe distance, till we 
 witnessed the termination of his misery. He 
 was left in this place of confinement nearly 
 an hour ; when the servants, having returned 
 home, numerous lights were carried to the 
 dunghill, and amongst the crowd of people 
 was the fair signiora, who shrieked and 
 lamented in a loud voice, while the servants 
 conveyed the count into her superb mansion.
 
 NED CLINTON. 87 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Clinton arrives at Coimhra, — His Terror on 
 perusing a Proclamation. — He frequents 
 Coffee-houses t and falls in love icith a 
 Nun, 
 
 To use an Irishism, we commenced our 
 march by water ; that is to say, the first day's 
 journey was performed by water-carriage up 
 the Tagus. The stores, over which we had 
 to do duty, had been disembarked from the 
 ships, and put into flat bottomed boats, and 
 we started in the morning with the tide, as it 
 commenced flowing up the river. We made 
 a remarkable quick passage to Villa Franca, 
 a distance of eight leagues; nor may it be 
 amiss to observe here, that the Tagns is one of 
 the most rapid flowing rivers in Europe, its 
 currents making it necessary to have the ships
 
 88 NED CLINTON. 
 
 cables payed over with ropes, to save them 
 from behigcut asunder. 
 
 We were employed two whole days in dis- 
 embarking the stores, and loading them upon 
 vehicles, ere we commenced our march. The 
 horrid creaking of the bullock-carts, whose 
 wheels are never greased, while the carts are 
 constructed so as to make as much noise as 
 possible, the drivers imagining that the scree- 
 ching sound is pleasing music to the bea&ts, 
 and assists to urge them forward ; the con- 
 stant exclamations of the drivers, such as 
 anda ?nitla, and other familiar Portuguese 
 epithets; the luggage tumbling off the carts 
 at every eminence, or the wheels breaking in 
 the deep ruts ; the frightful sores upon the 
 backs of the horses, mules, and asses, and the 
 equally disgusting ones on the shoulders of 
 the bullocks; the girths breaking; the lug- 
 gage getting wet, by fording brooks and 
 small rivers, and sometimes tumbling in the 
 water ; the frequent want of shoes for the 
 horses and mules ; the baggage animals break-* 
 ing loose, for they merely travel tied head 
 and tail together; the necessity of con-
 
 JJED CLINtoN'. 89 
 
 stantly watching the muleteers, who strive to 
 rob the stores, and desert ; the risk of having" 
 the skins of winetapped,'or the provisions pur* 
 loined ; and, after all these harrassing plagues 
 and numerous other perplexities, when the 
 day's march is over the difficulty of procur- 
 ing billets and accommodations for the animals 
 and stores \ all these things combine to make 
 a march of baggage in this country truly diffi- 
 cult and distressing. 
 
 On our journey to Coimbra, 1 visited the 
 celebrated and beautiful convent of Battailia^ 
 which stands a lasting evidence of the weak- 
 ness and superstition of John the Second, one 
 of the Portuguese monarchs, who erected 
 this building on the spot where he gained a 
 victory over the Moors, to fulfil a vow which 
 he had previously made. Many of the kings 
 and queens lie buried here, who are repre- 
 sented upon their monuments as laying hand 
 in hand together. The swords and battle- 
 axes of John I. and IT. are also preserved 
 here, and shown to strangers. 
 
 I found considerable difficulty in suiting 
 myself with a billet in the ancient collegiate
 
 90 NED CLINTON. 
 
 city of Coimbra, which was so thronged with 
 troops, medical and wounded officers, staff 
 gentlemen of all kinds, purveyors of hospi- 
 tals, commissaries, and other attendants on the 
 army, that a poor commissariat clerk was 
 thought nothing of, but might deem himself 
 well off if he found any miserable hovel to 
 lay his head in at night. However, at length 
 I succeeded in procuring a paltry room at a 
 wine-house in the suburbs of the town, to which 
 Glover, who was still worse billetted than I, 
 agreed to come daily to mess with me. 
 
 Here we learnt the sequel of our adventure 
 at Lisbon, by means of a proclamation which 
 lay upon the public table, and which I took up 
 to read to Glov^er. It stated, that the house of 
 Signiora Murinelle had been broken into by 
 robbers, who, after a brave resistance on his 
 part, had overpowered the gallant Count 
 Koble, whom the villains most inhumanly 
 forced into a sack, while he lay in a state of 
 insensibility from his wounds and bruises ; 
 and that after tying him in the sack they rifled 
 the house of the signiora's valuable jewellery 
 and plate, when they carried away the count.
 
 NED CLINTOy. 91 
 
 as supposed, with the intention of tlirowing 
 him into the Tagus, but, fortunately being 
 disturbed by people in the street, they 
 threw the sack, containing the count, upon a 
 dunghill, not far from the signiora's house, 
 where the unfortunate nobleman lay, almost 
 smothered, for nearly an hour, when his cries 
 were heard by one of the signiora's servants, 
 and his excellency was conveyed to this lady's 
 mansion in a state of complete insensibility. 
 
 The proclamation further stated, that one of 
 the robbers had been taken in a closet of the 
 signiora's house, leading to her bed-chamber, 
 and had been safely lodged in prison ; and it 
 oifered a large reward for the apprehension of 
 the rest of the gang, or for any individual of 
 them a proportionate sum. 
 
 It is impossible to conceive my surprise 
 while perusing this article. Sometimes I 
 paused to look at Glover, who appeared lost 
 in astonishment ; then I read on, and he was 
 all attention, at last, having got to the con- 
 clusion, and remained mute for a short time, 
 I said to Glover, who had taken up another 
 paper, "Well, friend, what do you think of the
 
 02 NED CLINTOK. 
 
 poor signiora ? dear lady, her sufferings must 
 have been great indeed. " "Damn the B—" 
 answered he, " she has completely duped us." 
 *' I admire your assertion," replied I, <' but put 
 the first person, if you please, and you may be 
 right ; for though you became her dupe, that 
 was not my case. " «' The devil you were not," 
 said Glover, "well then, as you think so, 1 
 wish you joy of the escape." "What do you 
 mean, Glover ;" I exclaimed " the signiora was 
 your acquaintance ; I never knew her before 
 the adventure was achieved, and in that I 
 merely performed a part to oblige my friend." 
 During the latter part of this dialogue, I 
 perceived Glover slip the signiora's ring off 
 his finger into his pocket, and, on my conclu- 
 ding the last sentence, he thrust another paper 
 into my hand, and pointing to this new 
 proclamation, said, *' Read, Clinton, and tell 
 me whether I'm the only dupe ? and how you 
 feel on the occasion." While 1 read this 
 proclamation, I involuntary did as Glover had 
 done ; that is, I slipt the topaz ring off my 
 finger, and put it quietly into my waistcoat 
 pocket ; while, probably, it was fortunate for
 
 NED CLINTON'. 93 
 
 US both that no third person was in the room 
 when these transaction?. occurred, or we might 
 have been apprehended for robbers, as this 
 proclamation offered an additional reward of 
 five hundred criisado novas for the apprehen- 
 sion of either of the thieves concerned in 
 robbing Signiora Murinelle ; and, moreover, 
 gave a minute description of the various articles 
 of plate and jewellery stolen from the signiora's 
 house ; in which list were especially enume- 
 rated the topaz and diamond rings given us 
 by this fair courtesan, as a remuneration for 
 our services and a mark of her regard. 
 
 These proclamations filled our minds with 
 terror, as we saw by them that we had become 
 the thorough dupes of a most designing 
 woman, who would stick at nothing to obtain 
 her ends; and who, doubtless, had invented 
 the story of the robbery and the design of 
 ^drowning the count to enrich herself at his 
 expense, and also secure that nobleman's affec- 
 tions by her assumed grief at his affliction. 
 Besides, we had every reason to fear she 
 would sacrifice us, should we accidentally be 
 discovered as the people who put the count
 
 94 NED CLINTON. 
 
 in the sack, or should we be apprehended on 
 account of having the rings in our possession ; 
 which latter circumstance might readily occur 
 if we were seen wearing them. 
 
 We were also much puzzled, and formed 
 innumerable conjectures, as to what line of 
 conduct Count Noble would pursue respect- 
 ing the assassin he had employed to murder 
 Glover, and who, beyond doubt, was the per- 
 son apprehended in the closet, and alluded to 
 in the proclamation as the thief who had 
 been taken and secured in jail. We con- 
 sidered, that should this man be tried, he would 
 declare the whole truth on his trial ; and, 
 provided the count acknowledged the correct- 
 ness of his story, as in justice he ought to do 
 to save the fellow's life, that he would then be 
 despised himself for shameful cowardice and 
 braggadocio conduct. But when we reasoned 
 thus, we little knew the state of the police at 
 Lisbon, nor the vast power such a wealthy 
 nobleman as Count Noble possessed of 
 swaying it to his private views. 
 
 The whole affair gave us much uneasiness, 
 particularly as it became the subject of general
 
 NED CLINTON. 95 
 
 conversation at Coimbra ; yet the proclama- 
 tions had the good effect of potting us on our 
 guard, so that we became extremely cautious 
 in our language ; nor did I ever hear Glover 
 again mention his acquaintance with the fair 
 signiora while I remained in the Peninsula. 
 As to the rings, we secured them in leather, 
 and packed them carefully away, with the de- 
 termination of never exposing them to the 
 day-light, until we were far removed from this 
 land of assassins. 
 
 When leisure permitted, we occasionally 
 visited the museum and public library ; 
 though w^e oftener sauntered into some coffee- 
 house or other, where the heterogeneous as- 
 semblage of military officers, of every denomi- 
 nation, and of various nations, formed an 
 amusing contrast to the pedantic students of 
 this celebrated university, who also frequent- 
 ed these places of recreation in considerable 
 numbers. 
 
 These students, like the students of all 
 countries, are fond of displaying their know- 
 ledge in disputation, and daily seek opportu- 
 nities of entering into controversies for this
 
 96 NED CLINTON. 
 
 purpose ; but while our army gentlemen were 
 at Coimbra, they were usually unfortunate in 
 their selection of antagonists ; for military 
 men are rarefy good classic scholars, while, on 
 the other hand, students seldom know much of 
 the world. Thus, what little advantage the 
 scholar might gain by his Greek or Latin, 
 was known only to his few learned friends ; 
 while the wit of his opponent, when exer- 
 cised at the student's expense, was enjoyed by 
 all the rest of the party. And to render these 
 controversies still more distressing to the 
 scholars, they were generally terminated by 
 some violent and ignorant military officer 
 interrupting the argument, by loudly vocife- 
 rating that all Latin, Hebrew, and Greek books 
 were balderdash and nonsense, fit only to be 
 damned with their authors ; or else by some 
 doctor, surgeon, chaplain, north of England 
 gentleman, or other person, indifferently in,, 
 structed in Latin, undertaking to dispute with 
 the student; and the company, for further 
 sport, deciding the arguments in his favour. 
 
 In these and similar harmless amusements, 
 we passed the greater portion of our spare
 
 NED CLINTON. 97 
 
 time ; though, in common gratitude, I ought 
 not to neglect mentioning, that both Glover 
 and I made frequent visits to the hospitable 
 convent of Santa Clara, which is beautifully 
 situated on a hill, at a short distance from the 
 town. 
 
 This convent is reputed to be rich, and its 
 inmates are certainly very hospitable, for 
 whenever a stranger appears at the grating he 
 is invited by the abbess, or one of the nuns, to 
 partake of refreshments ; and, provided the 
 person is of decent appearance and accepts 
 the offer, the most exquisite wine, delicious 
 fruits, and sweet cakes, made by the fair nuns, 
 are immediately turned round to him in the 
 box; while for a beggar, or other common 
 person, a more substantial food and homelier 
 wine make their appearance. 
 
 Having already acknowledged that my 
 friend and 1 made frequent visits to this hos- 
 pitable convent, it remains only for me further 
 to confess that I made them rather too often 
 formy peace of mind, as the black eyes, pretty 
 face, and winning speech of sister Martha, the 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 OS NED CLINTON. 
 
 loveliest of all the nuns who solicited my 
 friendship, and always appeared at the grating 
 to welcome my arrival, soon stole my heart 
 away from the noble feelings of friendship to 
 the softer and sweeter ones of love.
 
 NED CLINTON. 99 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Clinton soliloquises upon Love* — Is sent 
 with a Convoy to join the Army. — Arrives 
 at Coria. — Eetrogrades, and crosses the 
 Tag us. 
 
 I CONFESS that 1 became warmly attached to 
 sister Martha ; that fair girl's charms and fasci- 
 nating manners stole upon me imperceptibly; 
 and it was through iron gratings Cupid first 
 pointed his darts at me. Curiosity led me to 
 the convent ; pity and admiration caused me to 
 continue my visits; and, last of all, love, that 
 powerful loadstone, daily attracted me to this 
 enchanting spot. Martha and I loved each 
 other most sincerely. But, alas ! we could 
 never gratify the tender passion ; nor did we 
 ever see each other, except through the grated 
 
 F 2
 
 100 NED CLINTON. 
 
 bars, — those cursed bars, that incarcerated the 
 fairest of the female sex. 
 
 We prayed for no sweeter bliss than to pass 
 our lives together ; and, in our whisper- 
 ing interviews, we framed a thousand idle 
 schemes, all tending to the same end — the 
 escape of my beloved nun; but these were 
 pleasingly delusive dreams; and, alas! the 
 day Heft Coimbra was the last on which 1 
 saw the fair maid. 
 
 Here let me pause, to enquire what extra- 
 ordinary crimes the most culpable of the 
 female sex can ever have committed, that such 
 prisons as the convent of Santa Clara, should 
 have been established for the punishment of 
 their children. In other convents, females 
 take the veil after arriving at years of discre- 
 tion, and ostensibly by their own free choice ; 
 while the more unfortunate nuns of Santa 
 Clara are incarcerated in their earliest infancy, 
 and obliged to remain all their lives in this 
 loathsome convent. Alas ! poor victims of 
 priestcraft, — parental dislike, or family pride, 
 you are all basely sacrificed ; and, if mortals
 
 KED CLINTON. 101 
 
 ^re to reverence the memory of martyrs, let 
 >Santa Clara's departed nuns be reiverenced as 
 the purest of aug^els. 
 
 Fair maidens! Mis generally the worldly 
 wealth to which your births entitle you, which 
 brings you to this unnatural fate ; and such 
 was poor Martha's case. Her parents were 
 rich and noble, ytt, to aggrandize their sons, 
 they immolated this lovely female in a 
 convent, where her beauty, fine talents, and 
 amiable character, were lost to the world. 
 
 But I think I hear the reader cry, ^'Clinton's 
 an enthusiast in love;'* therefore, after asking 
 the reader's pardon for this digression, I will 
 proceed with my narrative. 
 
 After being detained about a fortnight at 
 Coirabra, Glover and I were ordered away to 
 accompany a convoy of stores, destined for 
 the army in Spain. These stores were under 
 the charge of a deputy commissary-general, 
 who had sev^eral assistants and many clerks 
 under his orders. We left Coimbra before 
 day-light on the morning after the order ar- 
 ri^d, and sustained a severe march of some 
 days, under the burning sun of the latter end
 
 102 NED CLINTON. 
 
 of tbe hot month of July ; followmg the stepjs 
 of the British army, who were in pursuit of a 
 much greater force of French, under King 
 Joseph Bonaparte 
 
 We rarely halted at night in the towns 
 or villages, but generally bivouacked, 
 often on the open plain, though sometimes 
 under the shelter of the spreading cork tree, 
 yet more frequently under that of the willow- 
 like-looking olive. At length we came to the' 
 handsome town of Corla, wliere we passed a 
 night in billets, and so laced ourselves for the 
 previous nights of exposure and fatigue. But 
 when, upon the point of advancing next 
 morning, on our route to Placentia, to our 
 extreme consternation, it was notified, that the 
 French Marshal Soult, was already in pos- 
 sesion of that town; and consequently in the 
 rear of the British army. 
 
 The fact w^as, the commander of the 
 English forces (as before observed) had 
 marched after the main body of the French, 
 leaving a Portuguese force to guard the pass 
 over the mountains, on our left of Placentia, 
 by which passage alone the French could
 
 NED CLINTON. 103 
 
 have got ia his rear. But whether his orders 
 had been badly obeyed, or the Portuguese 
 force was not sufficiently strong to oppose the 
 marshal with efifect, is not for an unenlightened 
 commissary to say, but he succeeded in march- 
 ing over the pass in question, thereby getting 
 into the rear of our army, and consequently 
 m cutting off several considerable reinforce- 
 ments of troops that were advancing to join 
 it ; as well as commissariat and medicinal 
 stores, of which the army stood in great need. 
 
 In consequence of this movement of the 
 enemy, it became necessary for us to retro- 
 grade with the utmost speed, which we did, 
 covered by a fine brigade, fresh from England, 
 whichjlike ourselves, had been cut off from join- 
 ingthe army. Fortunately, the French marshal 
 made no movement after us, and what is still 
 more incredible, he neglected the opportunity 
 of advancing and possessing himself of the 
 bridge of Acobisco, over which the British 
 general retired his forces some days after to 
 take up a defensive position on the opposite 
 side of the Tagus. 
 
 Still, however, the French marshal gained
 
 104 NED CLINTON, 
 
 considerably by his advance to Placentia. H^ 
 deprived the British general of the advantages 
 which ought to have followed the hard-foug-ht 
 battle of Talavera, where he had gained a vic- 
 tory, perhaps unmatched by any other exploit 
 of the brave array he led. 
 
 On this ever-memorable field, forty-five 
 thousand French were beaten by far less than 
 half that number of English ; nor must it be for- 
 gotten, that France was then in the plenitude of 
 her gigantic power. Her immense armies had 
 met with no reverse of fortune. Her emperor 
 reigned over, or influenced, almost every 
 power in Europe. Here it was he received 
 his first check. Here his brother was disgrace- 
 fully beaten. However, it must be acknow- 
 ledged that the Spaniards occupied a great 
 portion of the lines at Talavera ; but that they 
 had little or nothing to do with the fight is 
 proved by the returns of killed and wounded. 
 
 This brilliant victory threatened to be at- 
 tended with worse consequences to the British 
 than a defeat would have been. In the latter 
 case the army from necessity must have rcr 
 tired across the bridge of Acobisco, while in
 
 NED CLINTON. 105 
 
 the present, the chances were that the British 
 would have pursued the beaten foe, which 
 had they done, the whole of their army must 
 have capitulated or been dispersed. It would 
 in this ease have been placed between two 
 French armies, each stronger than itself, and 
 could have received no reinforcements or sup- 
 plies, while the enemy would have received 
 daily an increase to his force, and an abundant 
 supply In short, every well-informed impar- 
 tial person must confess, that the situation of 
 the British army would have been desperately 
 hopeless, had its commander either advanced 
 further, or delayedretreating across theTagus. 
 The British general acted with decision. 
 He had scarcely achieved the hard-earned 
 victory at Talavera, when he heard Marshal 
 8oult was in his rear. He lost no time in 
 hesitation, but immediately retired, and ob- 
 tained possession of the bridge of Acobisco, 
 which he conveyed his effective army, 
 cannon and baggage over. The sick and 
 wounded in the hospital at Talavera were, from 
 necessity, left to their fate ; but the army of 
 
 f3
 
 106 NED CLINTON. 
 
 Joseph Bonaparte treated them with be- 
 coming attention. 
 
 The convoy to which I was attached re- 
 tired to the frontier of Portugal, where it re- 
 mained some days, when orders came for us 
 to cross the Tagus, and advance to the main 
 army. We passed the river in safety, and 
 after a few days of h^rrassing marches, under a 
 broiling sun, succeeded in our object. But the 
 supplies we conveyed proved very inadequate 
 to the wants of the allied troops, and were 
 consumed almost as soon as received, while 
 the army remained distressed for provisions; 
 for it was stationed in a poor country, which 
 had been completely drained by the enemy. 
 
 The hardships and privations which the sol- 
 diers underwent in the neighbourhood of Ro- 
 man Guarda are scarcely to be credited, while, 
 from the kind of food served out to them as ra- 
 tions, they appropriately nick-named the place 
 Dough-boy Hill. The army for a considerable 
 time had no other rations than a small quantity 
 of gritty flour, which, w^hen baked in cakes 
 (the only way of cooking it}, required grind-
 
 NED CLINTON. 107 
 
 ing between the teeth; and the only addition 
 to be obtained to this disagreeable food, was the 
 tough and skinny flesh of half-starved goats, 
 •without even salt to flavour it. 
 
 In this trying situation, the army remained 
 upwards of six weeks, though unmolested by 
 the enemy ; j-et the privations the men suffered, 
 added to the burning sun and night dews, to 
 which they were exposed, laid the seeds of 
 cruel fevers and agues, which soon afterwards 
 broke out amongst us, and carried off many a 
 gallant fellow, 
 
 After delivering the stores, most of the com- 
 missariat that escorted them were ordered 
 back into Portugal, and I and my friend 
 Glover amongst the number, which was con- 
 sidered a happy escape from a place where 
 even the commissariat department ran the 
 risk of being starved. 
 
 We returned into Portugal on the south side 
 of the Tagus, passing through the beautiful 
 town of Valencia d' Alcantara, and entering 
 Portugal at a village, near the town of 
 Castello de Vide. 
 
 The only act of civility and kindness I
 
 108 NED CLINTON. 
 
 perienced during this short campaign, wss 
 from the old butler of a noble Spanish family 
 at Valentia d'Aleantara, who seeing me seated 
 in the market place, apparently weary and dis- 
 tressed, took me home to his master's mansioti, 
 where he nourished me with good food, 
 cheered me with excellent wine, and offered 
 me a down bed to repose upon ; but this I 
 could not accept, having orders from the 
 senior commissary to remain during the night 
 in a field of olives with the stores. 
 
 1 never name this town, but I think of the 
 good butler, that worthy Samaritan, who re- 
 fused bribe or reward ; and was induced to 
 feed and comfort me, solely by the warm feel- 
 ings of his benevolent heart. I have since 
 then dined with princes and other great men, 
 but this man's civility and kindness remains 
 imprinted on my memory, while the dinners 
 of the mighty are forgotten.
 
 NED CLINTON. 109 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 Clinlon suffers from Excess. — Is aUctched 
 to a Division of Portuguese Troops. — 
 Forms an Intimacy vcith Assistant-Sur- 
 geon Saveall. — Character of a Partisan. 
 
 We had cause to rejoice on the day we 
 reached the frontiers of Portugal, for it was 
 the first time we were enabled to purchase 
 food since the time of our crossing the Tagus. 
 I had almost become a victim to inordinate 
 appetite, at the first wine-house I entered, not 
 having sufficient prudence or resolution to 
 restrain from eating and drinking too pro- 
 fusely, although the food was nothing more 
 than new bread, and the beverage indifferent 
 wine of Oporto. For two days after commit- 
 ting this excess, I was confined to my tent, in
 
 ]]0 NED CLINTON. 
 
 considerable danger. The same happened to 
 all those who freely indulged their voracious 
 appetites ; many of them died, while others 
 were afflicted with lingering diseases; but 
 those amongst us who partook moderately of 
 nourishment, gradually recovered the full tone 
 of the stomach, and felt no further inconve- 
 nience from their former privations. 
 
 I was not suffered to enjoy a state of repose, 
 for in a few days I was ordered into Spain, 
 with a small convoy of stores, destined for the 
 troops under the command of a noted parti- 
 san. While attached to them, and away from 
 my friend Glover, whom I left in Portugal, I 
 formed an acquaintance with Assistant-surgeon 
 Saveall, with whom I messed, and we resided 
 together under his tent, with the use of 
 which he accomodated me and, in return, I 
 furnished him with a share of my supplies. 
 
 He was a pleasant merry fellow, and con- 
 sidered very skilful in his profession ; but what 
 was of more consequence to me than his 
 medical talents, he was an excellent forager, 
 which useful talent enabled us to live very 
 snugly together. In fact, we contrived to
 
 NED CLINTON. Ill 
 
 have a better mess, in a time of general dis- 
 tress, than almost any of the higher orders in 
 the army; and my messmate richly deserved it, 
 for he spared no exertions to provide for our 
 table, but went in search of provisions when- 
 ever he had leisure ; and such was his zeal, that 
 I have seen him running down goats, for the 
 purpose of robbing their kids of the little 
 milk in the mother's udder. The distressed 
 state of the army made thieves of the soldiers, 
 who stole provisions from wherever they 
 could be found ; even from under their sleep- 
 ing comrades heads, or from their pockets, 
 when from any lucky chance, or from inability 
 to consume his unpalatable ration, any one 
 happened to have a little gritty flour in his 
 possession. 
 
 This miserable condition of things neces- 
 sarily caused much illness in the army ; at a 
 time to, when the medical men were without 
 medicines, owing to the hospital having been 
 lost at Talavera. I have often laughed at 
 the ludicrous situation in which my mesmate 
 was placed regarding the sick under his care, 
 who were paraded every morning in front of
 
 112 NED CLINTON. 
 
 the tent where we resided. They formed a 
 numerous body, while the surgeon had no 
 other variety of drugs, than emetics and one 
 description of pill, which he administered 
 alternately ; at least I judged so, by the 
 following dialogues, which took place one 
 morning when the sick where paraded, and 
 which I overheard while I lay on my mattress. 
 
 Surgeon. — "Well, Jack Strong, how are 
 you after the emetic of yesterday? you look 
 much better than you did." 
 
 Soldier. — " Indeed, doctor I'm very bad ; 
 but it was a pill, your honour, that I took 
 yesterday." 
 
 Surgeon. — ''Ah, was it? then hospital Ser- 
 jeant, mind and give Jack Strong an emetic 
 to-day! and now, Barney Sullivan," address- 
 ing another soldier, " how did the pills of 
 yesterday operate ?" 
 
 Barney. — "Ah, by the holy Jasus, doctor, 
 and I was graivously sick for two hours and 
 more, after I swallowed the emetic!" 
 
 In this sort of way, the asslstanf-surgeon 
 addressed soldier after soldier, though unfoF- 
 tunately, in most cas^s, he forgot whether the
 
 mail had been prescribed a pill or an emetic 
 on the preceding day, and, consequently, he 
 substituted the emetic for the pill, andj vice- 
 versus the pill for the emetic, until the poor 
 wretches, tired out with this treatment, 
 preferred bearing their sufferings in silence to 
 complaining, and getting uselessly drenched 
 with physic. 
 
 But to do tliis gentleman justice, I must say, 
 that he possessed a good heart and a noble 
 spirit, which were fully evinced in his gene- 
 ral conduct : and I always recollect, with 
 peculiar pleasure, the following circumstance, 
 which occured one day when he was foraging 
 for provisions. His servant and a couple 
 more soldiers were with him, when, at a sud- 
 den turn in a wood, they surprised several 
 followers of the army in possession of a mule, 
 laden with delicious white bread, which the 
 fellows had stolen. The doctor, without any 
 hesitation, forcibly took the booty from the 
 thieves, and, with a spirit worthy of himself, 
 sent the whole of the bread as a present to 
 the regimental hospital, and delivered up the 
 m.ule for the public service ; this was done to at
 
 114 NED CLINTON. 
 
 a time when we were most distressed for pro- 
 visions, and had not tasted bread for many days. 
 It may not be amiss to mention here some- 
 thing of the desolation caused by the French 
 army, wherever it marched in this ill-fated 
 country. As far as I advanced from the 
 frontier of Portugal towards Talavera, and 
 afterwards, on the opposite side of the Tagus, 
 I can bear ample testimony to the unnecessary 
 waste and destruction that marked its progress. 
 Many of the valuable olive trees, which con- 
 stitute the chief wealth of numerous Spanish 
 villages, had been evidently cut down, or 
 otherwise destroyed, from sheer wantonness; 
 for this tree affords too little timber to make 
 it worth while to fell it for fuel, particular- 
 ly in a country where large timber grows 
 in abundance. Entire vineyards, rich crops 
 of grain, beautiful gardens, and orange 
 grounds, had also been destroyed ; houses 
 mutilated, burnt, or spoilt, and the furniture 
 of every sort broken to pieces ; libraries of 
 old books taken from the convents, merely 
 to burn or tear up ; images and figures 
 broken and defaced; choice old paintings
 
 NED CLINTON. 115 
 
 Stabbed through with bayonets, cut with 
 knives or swords, or daubed over with filth ; 
 and, that the climax of cruelty and barbarity 
 might be complete, horses and other beasts 
 houghed, and left to perish by lingering starv- 
 ation. All these, and various other sad ves- 
 tiges of the march of a Gallic army, did 1 
 witness ; but the complaints of the poor 
 Spaniards, of the murders, violations, and 
 robberies, committed by these heroes^ would 
 far exceed my powers of description ; and 
 therefore I shall not attempt to relate them. 
 
 Every person attached to the army felt 
 heartily rejoiced when the troops broke up 
 from the vile position they occupied, to retire 
 into winter quarters in Portugal ; and the 
 redoubtable military knight, under whose com- 
 mand I served, about this time returned 
 home, incensed against the commander of 
 the forces, because he was superior to himself 
 in rank and talents ; and also that he might 
 the better employ his abilities at intrigue, to 
 obtain some adequate recompence for his as- 
 tonishingly brilliant exploits ; for he was not
 
 116 NED CLINTON. 
 
 one of those modest characters, who under* 
 rate their personal services, or lose any sort 
 of recompence for the want of puffing them- 
 selves into notice. 
 
 But here 1 feel tempted to digress from the 
 thread of my history, for the purpose of re- 
 lating some particulars of the character and 
 conduct of this selfish individual, as they w^ere 
 communicated to me by one of his own 
 officers. " The chevalier," said this gentle- 
 man, " is the greatest of egotists ; a perfect 
 compound of vanity and ostentation. He is 
 vain of his birth, his education, and his talents ; 
 forgetting that they render him the laughing- 
 stock of the army, It is ludicrous to hear 
 him boast of being perfectly disinterested, 
 while every act of his life proves him quite 
 the contrary. He prides himself upon se- 
 veral foreign orders he has received, and 
 yet he affects to despise the potentates who 
 granted him these honours. He talks loudly 
 against raonarchs, oppression, and power, 
 and for the sacred rights of the people, while 
 there can be no question, from his general
 
 NED CLINTON. 117 
 
 conduct, but that he would gladly receive a 
 pension from the monarch, or the golden 
 favours of the populace. 
 
 " It was only the other day," added my 
 mformer, " when the battle of Taiavera was 
 fought, and the French forces all employed 
 on that side of the Tagus, that we advanced 
 boldly on towards Madrid, until, scenting the 
 approach of an enemy, we retired in double 
 quick time, without even gratifying the foe 
 with a sight of our backs."
 
 118 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Clinton is ial-en hy Bandilti. — Finds a 
 Friend in their Leader. —His His tori/. 
 
 One day, upon our march towards Portu- 
 gal, 1 rode away from the column of troops, 
 to obtain a better view of the country from a 
 hill, apparently about half a league on our 
 right flank ; but though I found the distance 
 greater than I expected, I fulfilled my inten- 
 tion of mountiEg to its summit, where, after 
 having contemplated the prospect for some 
 time, I began descending the hill for the pur- 
 pose of rejoining the column. 
 
 [ had got about half way down it, and was 
 riding at a moderate pace through a beautiful 
 cork wood, when I was suddenly surrounded 
 by a banditti, consisting of five ferocious 
 looking fellows, armed with tremendous large
 
 NED CLIN Toy. 119 
 
 swords, besides each of them having his broad 
 belt ornamented with a brace of pistols and 
 a dagger. They were habited in complete 
 Spanish costume, and, although on foot, evi- 
 dently were horsemen, being all booted and 
 spurred. The large feathers in their hats, 
 the handsome broad belts girted round their 
 waists, their pistols and daggers, the athletic 
 figures of the men, their martial jackets, their 
 slashed breeches, their large boots, long spurs, 
 and the flaming toledo's which waved from 
 their brawny arms, all combined to give them 
 a frightfully tremendous appearance. 
 
 Two of the ruffians seized my bridle, while 
 the others dismounted me in as little time as 
 it requires to relate it, and after taking my 
 father's sword away, they, with threatening 
 signs and imprecations, hurried me along with 
 them to a distance of about half a mile, in a 
 contrary direction to that where I purposed 
 going, when they halted under a large spread- 
 ing cork tree, near to an old ruin, and then 
 without ceremony rifled my pockets of my 
 watch and what money they contained ; after 
 which they fastened my hands behind me, and
 
 120 NED CLINTON. 
 
 by signs made me sit down amongst them 
 upon a bank under the shade of a tree. 
 
 r remained in this distressing situation for a 
 considerable time, during which these men 
 conversed together in the Spanish language 
 and smoked their cigars, but 1 could make 
 out little or nothing of what they said, and 
 therefore had the more leisure to contemplate 
 these ferocious characters and my own un- 
 pleasant situation. 
 
 At length the noise of horses' hoofs was 
 heard fast approacliing, and six more banditti 
 soon made their appearance, mounted on the 
 horses we had heard, and as completely 
 armed as the other five men. They quickly 
 dismounted and tied their horses to som.e ad- 
 jacent stakes, when, to my extreme surprise, 
 I observed, on their approaching to sit down 
 by their comrades, that their leader was no 
 other than Serjeant Read, of whom I have 
 made mention in my voyage to Lisbon. 
 
 He appeared much surprised on recog- 
 nising me, and, after hearing what his people 
 had to say regarding my capture, approached 
 and untied my arms, when he shook me hear-
 
 NED CLINTOZS. 121 
 
 tily by the hand, assuring me he felt much 
 pleasure at our meeting, and that I need be 
 under no apprehensions either for my liberty 
 or property, which should both be restored 
 before we parted. After warmly thanking* 
 him for this kindness, I could not avoid ex- 
 pressing astonishment at finding him at tiie 
 head of the present society : on which he 
 told me, that after partaking of refreshments, 
 he would relate what had occurred to him 
 since we parted. He now gave directions to 
 his people in the Spanish tongue, who im- 
 mediately spread abundance of good bread, 
 meat, and fruits, upon the bank where we sat, 
 vvhen I fell-to eating with the banditti, and 
 made an excellent repast, at which I quaffed 
 my full share of delicious Oporto wine, drink- 
 ing it from the mouths of the calabashes in 
 which the men had conveyed it slung over 
 their shoulders. 
 
 The whole party treated me with great 
 kindness from the moment they discovered 
 I was their captain's friend. They were ex- 
 tremely merry and jovial, seemingly in ex- 
 cellent temper ^^ith each other, and well 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 NED CLINTON. 
 
 pleased with their leader, while they often 
 laughed to excess as they related what ap- 
 peared to me to be their exploits. 
 
 After finishing our meal, the captain asked 
 me how I came to be alone in that neigh- 
 bourhood ? in what manner his people had 
 behaved to me? and of what they had robbed 
 me ? and, having answered him these ques- 
 tions, he said he was glad to find his men 
 had told him the truth as to their conduct, 
 and what they had robbed me of. He then 
 desired them to return my money and watch, 
 which they did without the smallest hesita- 
 tion. He now requested to know what had 
 happened to me since we parted at Lisbon, and 
 I related to him every particular I thought 
 Vv orth notice, excepting alone the adventure 
 at Signiora Murinelle's, which, for obvious 
 reasons, I was not disposed to communicate 
 even to him. 
 
 Having heard my tale, and laughed at some 
 of my adventures, he rose and gave particular 
 orders to four of his party, whom he then 
 despatched, mounted on tolerable good horses, 
 brought from behind the ruins of the dilapi-
 
 NED CLINTON. 123 
 
 dated old building;, and now, re-seating him- 
 self, he lit^hted a fres«h cigar and called for 
 another calabash of wine, ere he commenced 
 the following narrative of his adventures since 
 we parted from each other on board the brig 
 off Lisbon. 
 
 " Probably, ?Jr. Clinton," said he, " you 
 may remember that when you left me in the 
 Hercules I was attached to Captain Grove's 
 company, where 1 scarce need tell you 1 felt 
 as happy as any regimental serjeant could, 
 but in conseciuence of several promotions 
 amongst the non-commissioned officers on 
 our landing, a vacancy of pay-serjeant oc- 
 curred in Captain Fiillerfrick's, and as he had 
 no non-commJssioned officer belonging to his 
 company whom he considered fit to entrust 
 with the payment, he was induced to offer 
 that situation to me, observing at the time, 
 that Captain Grove had strongly recommend- 
 ed me as qualified for it. 
 
 " Sensible that this opening might afford me 
 an opportunity of pushing myself into some- 
 what more notice than 1 had hitherto been 
 able to do, and perhaps prove a step towards 
 
 G 2
 
 124 NED CLINTON. 
 
 my rising" higher in the regiment, and at the 
 same time feeling grateful to Captain Grove 
 for the interest he had so handsomely taken 
 in my behalf, and desirous of showing myself 
 worthy of this recommendation, in an evil 
 hour I accepted the situation, and was that 
 same day transferred into Captain Fuller- 
 trick's company, and placed in the trouble- 
 some and responsible office of its pay-serjeant. 
 
 I had a vast deal of trouble in completing 
 the soldiers with the numerous articles re- 
 quired for the approaching campaign, and 
 the company was a good deal in debt when 
 this was done, though not more so than the 
 other companies of the regiment ; and as 
 Capt. FuUertrick was rather short of money 
 at the time, I accommodated him by laying 
 out of twenty-five pounds of the debt, which 
 sum I had by me of my own. 
 
 " Every thing went on pretty smoothly for 
 some time after 1 was pay-serjeant, though it 
 was plain there was much ill-will harboured 
 against me by the remainder of the non- 
 com.missioned officers of the company, who 
 were jealous of my having been brought
 
 NED CLINTON. 125 
 
 amongst them as the pay-serjeant ; but in a 
 regiment, Mr. Clinton," added Read, " there 
 is little else than jealousy and vexation amidst 
 all ranks, from the colonel down to the 
 youngest drum-boy ; though thi^ mean pas- 
 sion mostly aifects the officers, whose words 
 and actions are generally influenced by party 
 feelings and the grossest prejudices. 
 
 " You are doubtless aware that our regi- 
 ment was sent forwards to join the army soon 
 after we disembarked at Lisbon, and although 
 we halted for some few days at various towns 
 upon the route, yet at last we were hurried 
 up to Talavera by forced marches, where it 
 is w^ell known we had the honor of perform- 
 ing our full share in the brilliant exploits of 
 that hard-earned field of glory. 
 
 '' It was my misfortune, towards the close of 
 the engagement, to push forwards somewhat 
 before my company, which then led the regi- 
 ment and, in the eagerness of pursuit and 
 the confusion caused by firing and other 
 noises, I did not observe when it came to a 
 halt, but continued following the flyingeneray, 
 until a party, perceiving I was unsupported,
 
 126 NED CLINTON. 
 
 wheeled about and surrounded me; while un* 
 fortunately I received, at the same time, a 
 wound in my rig-ht arm, and was compelled 
 to surrender myself as a prisoner. 
 
 " The French treated me with ^reat bruta- 
 lity, several of them giving me blows with the 
 flat sides of their swords, and, on my re- 
 monstrating against such usage, one of the 
 fellows put the muzzle of his musket to my 
 head, and asked if I desired to be relieved 
 from my misery ; and although 1 turned the 
 mouth of the piece with my hand, I verily 
 think the wretch would have shot me dead, 
 had not several of his comrades deterred him 
 from doing so. 
 
 " After we had crossed the Alberchi, they 
 plundered me of my pack and its contents, 
 amongst which, unfortunately, were the books 
 of the company 1 paid; but that same night, 
 after dark, I took advantage of the confusion 
 their troops were in upon the retreat to effect 
 my escape, and succeeded in reaching the Al- 
 berchi within an hour afterwards, at a place 
 where its stream is deep though not wide, 
 and here 1 crossed by swimming over the
 
 NED CLINTON. 127 
 
 river chiefly with my left arm, for the wound 
 made my right both stiff and painful. 
 
 *' I lay hid under some brush-wood all that 
 night, and on the following morning joined 
 the British army, and w^as almost immediately 
 afterwards sent by our regimental surgeon to 
 the general hospital at Talavera, where my 
 wound was dressed, and I enjoyed a few 
 days' repose; but, on the third night after 
 my escape, the English forces retired from 
 Talavera, when instructions were given to 
 such of the sick as were able to march, or 
 provide themselves with conveyance, to pro- 
 ceed to the rear, and I was one of those who 
 availed themselves of the opportunity. 
 
 " For the first day or two after we got to this 
 side of the Tagus, every thing was in a state of 
 extreme confusion. No rations were served 
 out, and where plenty of animal food might 
 have been secured for the use of the troops, a 
 scarcity almost immediately took place, owing 
 to the want of proper discipline and manage- 
 ment, perhaps unavoidable on such an oc- 
 casion. In proof of wliich 1 may particularly 
 specify, that on the day we crossed the Tagus,
 
 128 NED CLINTON. 
 
 our brigade fell in with an immense drove of 
 hogs in a wood close to our encampment, 
 and, instead of securing them for the general 
 use of the army, every man of the brigade, 
 who chose, was permitted to kill a hog ; the 
 consequence of which was, that the soldiers 
 w^ere seen running in every direction after 
 these animals, armed with knives, bayonets, 
 or swords ; and every man who could catch 
 one slaughtered it for his amusement, and 
 probably cut off a small piece of the flesh for 
 his use, leaving the carcase to become putrid, 
 which a few hours, in that hot season, 
 would make it ; while, in two or three days, 
 the entire army was in great distress, and its 
 proudest chief would have been delighted to 
 obtain a morsel of the kind of food thus 
 wantonly wasted. 
 
 " It was several days after we crossed the 
 Tagus ere I felt the severe consequences at- 
 tending the loss of the company's account 
 books. The soldiers, when questioned, gave 
 false statements. Almost every man repre- 
 sented himself to be a creditor, when it was 
 notorious that nearly every individual of the
 
 NED CLINTON. 129 
 
 company was in debt ; and, to add to my dis- 
 tress, when I applied to the captain for 
 money, he desired me to produce the books, 
 nor would he credit tliat I had lost them to 
 the enemy. 
 
 " Things went on in this manner for several 
 days, during which many of the men be- 
 came outrageous for money, and my enemies 
 amongst the non-commissioned officers slily 
 circulated numerous lies to my prejudice, 
 which at length the captain believed, or rather 
 feigning to believe, put me under confine- 
 ment, and shortly afterwards brought me to a 
 court-martial, before w^hich I was tried on the 
 charges ' of making away with the company's 
 books, and embezzling the company's money.' 
 
 " Any impartial person would suppose I 
 should have been acquitted of these charges, 
 but the contrary happened, for I could pro- 
 duce no evidence of my innocence, and my 
 assertions went for nothing ; while Captain 
 Fullertrick's testimony much injured me, 
 when he asserted upon oath, that the debt of 
 his company had been considerably dimi- 
 nished since we left Lisbon ; besides, the non- 
 
 g3
 
 130 NED CLINTON. 
 
 commissioned officers and soldiers were against 
 me almost to a man. In short, sucii was the evi- 
 dence, that I verily believe the members of the 
 court-martial considered me a thorough impos- 
 tor, who neither had been taken by the enemy 
 nor lost the company's books ; and though 
 Captain Grove stepped forward and gave me 
 the best of characters, 1 was sentenced ^o be 
 reduced to the situation of a private soldier, 
 to receive two hundred lashes, and be put 
 under stoppages until the deficiency in rny 
 accounts was made good. 
 
 " This harsh sentence was read to me before 
 the whole regiment, paraded in a square, with 
 all the implements prepared for inflicting cor- 
 poreal punishment ; and the commanding 
 officer, after the adjutant had read the pro- 
 ceedings of the court-martial, said, that he 
 approved of the sentence, and then pointed 
 me out to the corps as a most worthless fel- 
 low, who had betrayed the confidence of his 
 captain, whom he had robbed by the basest of 
 contrivances. ' However,' added he, ' he shall 
 hot escape any part of the punishment award- 
 ed for his crimes ; but as soon as the surgeon
 
 NED CLINTON. 131 
 
 reports his recovery from the wound he has 
 some how or other contrived to get, he shall 
 be broug-ht to the halberds to receive the cor- 
 poreal punishment to which he is justly sen- 
 tenced. Having- spoken thus, he ordered me 
 to be conveyed to the hospital, and treated 
 there as a prisoner. 
 
 The gross injustice of which I was the vic- 
 tim preyed heavily on my mind, and seeing 
 no prospect of retrieving my character, 
 or regaining my former rank in the regiment, 
 but, on the contrary, that I was to be flogged 
 like a vile criminal, and (should 1 live so 
 long) that I must for years be placed under 
 stoppages, to make good whatever sums the 
 soldiers affirmed to be their due, as well as 
 what Captain Fullertrick might fancy to be 
 his, induced me to watch for an opportunity 
 of deserting, that I might escape such un- 
 merited disgrace and misery to commence a 
 new career with brighter prospects. 
 
 " This resolution was formed only a day or 
 two before it was put in execution, for I was 
 but slightly watched, there being several 
 prisoners in the hospital tent, and only one
 
 132 NED CLINTON. 
 
 sentry to guard us. I escaped in the nighiy 
 armed with a good sword aud a rifle barrel 
 piece, without any money, and with no other 
 provision than a few biscuits. I travelled on 
 the road towards Portugal until day-light, 
 when I hid myself in a tliicket, and at night 
 resumed my journey, though not by the direct 
 road. Early next morning, when on the 
 point of entering a wood, where I purposed 
 hiding for the day, I suddenly heard fire- 
 arms and the clashing of swords not far off, 
 and, ere I could gain cover, four men in the 
 Spanish costume appeared on the open space 
 of ground where I stood, retiring fighting 
 against six or seven others, who pressed sore- 
 ly upon them. 
 
 " Without hesitating, or caring what miglit 
 be the cause of this fight, I immediately set 
 to work in assisting the weakest party, and 
 taking a good aim with my rifle, killed one 
 of their opponents, and then briskly attacked 
 and slightly wounded another with my sword. 
 The party I assisted now plucked up fresh 
 courage, and we pressed upon our antagonists 
 with great vigour and speedily drove them
 
 NED CLINTON. 133 
 
 from the field with a loss of two of their party 
 killed, and a like number wounded, and left 
 to our mercy, whom, by the by, my new 
 friends would have despatched but for my 
 intercession. 
 
 " I believe,'' Mr. Clinton, continued Read, 
 *' that you know I formerly served with our 
 army in this country, both under Sir John 
 Moore, and in the brilliant campaign of Vi- 
 miera ; and upon those occasions it was that 
 1 obtained the knowledge of the Spanish lan- 
 guage, which has since proved so useful 
 to me. 
 
 " The party I joined expressed the warmest 
 gratitude for the services 1 had so opportune- 
 ly rendered them ; and, after directing some 
 peasants, whom we met, to take care of our 
 wounded foes (which was done at my re- 
 quest), they conducted me to a retired part of 
 the wood, where one of their comrades was 
 in w^aiting with five horses tied to the trees ; 
 on one of these they mounted me, and the 
 remaining five men mounted on the other four. 
 We travelled at a brisk pace to a retired old 
 ruined castle about two leagues distant, into
 
 134 NED CLINTON. 
 
 which we entered, and joined a party of ten, 
 who were regaling themselves within an old 
 chamber. 
 
 " I need not attempt to disguise that during 
 our ride T ascertained T was associating with 
 an organized banditti ; but what was I to 
 do ? 1 had no friend, and w^as destitute of 
 every thing ; while it was a hundred chances 
 to one that I should be taken, if I resumed 
 my march. Thus situated, 1 thought it best 
 to join the party with a good grace; and 
 they, after learning what services I had ren- 
 dered their comrades, were extremely pleased 
 with me, and requested to know what busi- 
 ness had brought me into that neighbourhood ; 
 upon which I candidly related my misfortunes 
 and my desertion from the regiment ; shortly 
 after w^hich, by mutual consent, they offered me 
 the post of their captain, w ho had been killed 
 on the preceding day in action with the same 
 party against whom I had helped them, and 
 who were police officers, with whom they had 
 fought two days in succession, but who, ac- 
 cording to the opinion of my party, will never 
 venture to attack us again.
 
 NE1> CLINTOV. 135 
 
 " I accepted of their offer, on condition that 
 the whole party should strictly obey my orders, 
 and that I should be free to leave them 
 whenever I desired ; and that same night 
 every individual of them took an oath of 
 obedience to me, and we swore a mutual vow 
 of fidelity to each other, 
 
 " Thus it happened," resumed Read, '' that 
 I became the leader of an organized banditti, 
 of whom the greatest portion have filled res- 
 pectable situations in society, till driven to 
 adopt their present course of life, either from 
 the vile invasion of the French and their ras- 
 cally conduct, or through the bigotry and 
 rancour of the Spanish priests. 
 
 ** One of our party has been brought up a 
 surgeon, and he took my wound under his 
 care, which was at that time inflamed by the 
 exertions I had made in the late fight. He 
 also undertook the cure of two others of our 
 party, who had been wounded on this occa- 
 sion, and soon succeeded in perfectly curing 
 us all. 
 
 " We live in harmony and mutual confidence 
 together ; are always ready to assist eacli
 
 136 NED CLINTON. 
 
 other, and share what we possess ; Dor are we 
 to be considered so much in the light of a 
 banditti, as a Guerilla party; for we certainly 
 render greater services than injury to the 
 country. We never rob or hurt the poor, or 
 those whom we know to be patriotically in- 
 clined ; and we pay the farmers for every 
 article we receive from them. But, on the 
 other hand, we shew no mercv to the French; 
 or their partisans ; neither do we spare the 
 property of the priests, when we can get any 
 thing belonging to that imposing tribe of 
 impostors. In short, we have already become 
 a terror to those factions in the neighbour- 
 hood who support priestcraft or the French, 
 which occasioned the attacks made on our 
 community just before I joined it. 
 
 " We are rich in gold and silver, and possess 
 abundance of good arms and horses ; nor do 
 I despair of our ultimately being known only 
 as a Guerilla party, and quitting altogether 
 the profession of a banditti ; for to become 
 a Guerilla in this country is the ready way to 
 cover all former offences with oblivion. 
 
 "The adventures of many of my companions
 
 NED CLINTON. 137 
 
 are extraordinary, — 1 may almost say incre- 
 dible ; and, should we meet again, I may 
 perhaps entertain you by the relation of them ; 
 but, at present, business of importance calls 
 me and my party to a place several leagues 
 away, while, doubtless, you are anxious to re- 
 join your companions. 
 
 '' Had your prospects in life been blasted as 
 mine have, [ might invite you to become one 
 of my party, but you are a very young man, 
 have as yet seen little of the world, and re- 
 main unacquainted with the baseness of human 
 nature ; besides, you have fair prospects and 
 excellent parents, whom it is your duty to 
 obey and strive to make happy by pursuing 
 a steady course, for which reasons I decline 
 making any such proposal ; but, on the con- 
 trary, recommend you to rejoin your division 
 without delay, and I will myself put you in 
 the direct road to do so. 
 
 ''If you choose to accept of money, as much 
 as you please shall be at yonr disposal, and 
 you will oblige me by taking it, as I shall 
 thereby feel convinced of your confidence in 
 my friendship ; but, remember, that whatever
 
 138 NED CLINTON. 
 
 happens, I rely on your keeping secret all 
 that you know concerning me ; unless, indeed, 
 to Captain Grove, to whom you may relate it." 
 
 Having listened to poor Read's story with 
 the greatest interest and attention, 1 thanked 
 him for the kind offer of supplying me with 
 money, but declined accepting any, assuring 
 him I already possessed ample for all my pur- 
 poses; and, with regard to my keeping his 
 history a secret, I trusted he would not for one 
 moment wrong me by supposing 1 could be 
 rascal enough to betray his confidence. My 
 horse was now returned to me, and the 
 whole party mounted and escorted me about 
 a league, when Read pointed out my road to 
 a village where the troops where to halt that 
 night, and gave me a written slip of paper to 
 show to a party of five he had out in that 
 direction, that they might permit me to pass 
 unmolested should we fall in with each 
 other. 
 
 After this, the whole party embraced me, 
 and we mutually wished each other every 
 sort of happiness and success ; and while 
 Read gave me his farewell shake of the hand^
 
 NED CLINTON. 139 
 
 he slipt a massy gold ring; off his finger into 
 my hand, which he requested me to wear for 
 his sake. 
 
 I really felt painful sensations as I quitted 
 these brave fellows, who wheeled their horses 
 about and were out of sight in two minutes. 
 When I had ridden half the distance to my 
 destination, I met the other five men belonging 
 to this party, who seized my horse by the 
 bridle, and assuredly would have robbed me, 
 had I not presented Read's passport, which 
 having read, they politely wished me a bonas 
 diets, and proceeded on their way. With- 
 out any other adventure or accident, I reached 
 the village just as it became dusk, where I 
 found the troops to whom I was attached^ 
 and easily accounted for my absence by say- 
 ing I had mistaken the road.
 
 ]40 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Clinton meets his friend, Glover, — Another 
 Intrigue. — Is promoted to the rank of 
 Deputy- Assistant Commissary-Genercd. 
 
 My march terminated at Portalegre, where 
 I was rejoiced at finding my old companion, 
 w^ho, for the first time, was better off for 
 quarters than I, and we consequently agreed 
 to mess together at his billet. 
 
 But Glover, who, from some chance or 
 other, was generally engaged in a love in- 
 trigue, had like to have brought us into fresh 
 trouble at this place. He formed an intimacy 
 with a nun belonging to one of the convents 
 within the town, though for prudential mo- 
 tives, I forbear mentioning which. She first 
 attracted his attention by waving her hand- 
 kerchief from an elevated part of the building
 
 NED CLINTON. 141 
 
 whenever he parsed within sight. This inti- 
 macy was carried on, without any improper 
 consequences resulting, for some length 
 of time, till at length Glover entrusted 
 me with the secret of a dangerous plan he 
 had formed for enjoying the fair object of 
 his desires, who, it appeared by his story, had 
 herself proposed the measure. 
 
 The convent is situated upon a hill, without 
 any houses near it, though behind is a large 
 garden belonging to the building, surrounded 
 by a very high wall of massy stone, at a 
 particular part of which, and within the gar- 
 den, the fair nun had pointed out to my friend 
 where a large tree grew, one of whose bran- 
 ches rested against the wall in such a manner 
 that a person might easily descend by it from 
 the top of the wall into the garden, from 
 whence, at a certain hour of the night, she 
 promised to conduct him to her cell. 
 
 Glover was so elated with the happy pros, 
 pect before him, that he alike disregarded diffi- 
 culties and despised dangers ; and, on the 
 night agreed upon, away we posted together 
 to the appointed spot, well armed, and pro-
 
 142 NED CLINTON. 
 
 vided with a good cord, which we fastened io 
 a large stone, of which we had previously de- 
 posited two under the wall, which Glover 
 then mounted with great ease by means of 
 the cord, his weight being balanced by the 
 stone on the opposite side while he ascended 
 to its summit, which having done, and fixed 
 himself firmly upon the branch of tiie tree, he 
 untied the cord from the stone, and threw one 
 end of it over to me, that I might fasten it to 
 the other large stone to be ready to facilitate 
 his retreat. 
 
 In the execution of this we succeeded 
 according to his wishes, and I waited near the 
 wall for more than three hours before he re- 
 turned, which he did in safety, and without 
 having created the smallest alarm in the con- 
 vent. But 1 had ample cause to laugh at my 
 friend for this adventure, as he returned in 
 such a woful state of trepidation, that he was 
 not himself again, until we got home and he 
 had been cheered with a double allowance of 
 strong cordial, when he confessed, that the 
 fair nun had disguised him at the tree in the 
 garb of her order, and then conducted him
 
 NED CLINTON. 143 
 
 to her cell, where he remained in perfect 
 darkness : neither had he beheld anv lisrht 
 while in the convent, except that of a mise- 
 rable grlimmering- oil lamp, which stood in the 
 long passage through which she led him in 
 their way to and from her cell. 
 
 If I may judge by the condition my friend 
 was in when he returned from the convent, 
 the fair sister could have had no great reason 
 to rejoice at the warmth of her lover But 
 be that how it might, his passion was evidently 
 much abated, and it was several days before 
 he visited the convent again ; neither can I 
 wonder at this falling off, when it is considered 
 what extreme peril he had ran in entering the 
 sacred walls. 
 
 Nevertheless, at his next interview at the 
 grating, he made a fresh promise to his 'fair 
 nun of entering the convent, where, in fact, 
 during our stay at Portalegre, he passed three 
 moFG. nights; and, doubtless, would have re- 
 peated these visits, had it not been for an 
 anonymous communication sent from the con- 
 vent, stating that a suspicion had arisen 
 amongst the superiors, Qi some man having
 
 144 NED CLINTON. 
 
 passed the walls, and, in consequence, a watch 
 was kept every night, and the sare destruction 
 of all the guilty parties would attend their 
 discovery. This letter, together with the 
 knowledge of the following story, which 
 came to our ears about the same time, most 
 effectually cured Glover from ever think- 
 ing more of scaling the convent walls. 
 
 A young man, the son of a French gentle- 
 man established at Portalegre as a manufac- 
 turer of cloth, having been fascinated with the 
 charms of a nun belonging to the convent 
 Glover had visited, and having received every 
 possible encouragement from the fair sister, at 
 length made an assignation with her, promising 
 to enter the convent by passing the garden wall 
 in the dead of the night. He trusted a friend 
 with the secret, who assisted him on the occa- 
 sion ; but, to the dismay of his friend, day-light 
 came, and still his companion did not return, 
 neither has he ever been heard of. 
 
 The young man told the father of his un- 
 fortunate friend what had happened to his 
 son, and the old gentleman made some stir 
 in the business, though he never could obtain
 
 NED CLINTON. 145 
 
 any satisfaction. It was denied at the convent 
 that any man whatever, except the holy father 
 confessors, had ever entered it ; while such 
 was the influence and power of the priests, 
 that the poor parent found it necessary to 
 smother his complaints that he might avoid 
 ruin from their enmity. The young man fled 
 the country, and the unfortunate nun was 
 never more seen. 
 
 Yet strict as are the rules of these convents, 
 it is nevertheless notorious, that there are few 
 nuns who are not mothers; while it is equally 
 well known, that the confessors have the honor 
 of being the reputed fathers of their children. 
 The numerous foundlings' institutions in this 
 country, and even in the town of Portalegre, 
 serve as convenient receptacles for the chil- 
 dren of the convents; nor is it thought there 
 are many foundlings in those institutions, 
 except what have sprung from religious 
 orders. 
 
 After I had been stationed for a short time 
 at Portalegre, through Commissary-General 
 Porter's interest I had the good fortune to be 
 included in the promotion made in our depart- 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 146 NED CLINTON. 
 
 ment ; although, from my short standing as a 
 clerk, I certainly possessed very slight claims 
 to this favor. Glover, who had been a clerk 
 much longer than I, was also included, — the 
 same auspicious day making us both deputy- 
 assistant commissary-generals.
 
 NED CLINTON. 147 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Clinton visits Crato* — An Irish Duel there. 
 
 I WAS extremely elated at my promotion ; and 
 conceiving I was solely indebted for it to the 
 recommendation of Commissary Porter, T lost 
 no time in waiting upon that gentleman to 
 return him my warmest acknowledgements; 
 when he told me to reserve my thanks for our 
 mutual friend. Colonel Toger, as it was chiefly 
 to oblige that excellent man that he had 
 rendered me this service. 
 
 A few days after this event I had the plea 
 sure of seeing Captain Grove, who.<e regiment 
 was quartered at Crato, an old town about 
 four leagues distant. He came to Portalegre 
 to see Glover and I, and congratulate us on 
 our promotion ; and I obtained a short leave 
 of absence to accompany him back to Crato, 
 
 H 2
 
 14^ NED CLiNTOJf. 
 
 where I purposed taking into my service an 
 invalided corporal of his regiment, whom he 
 strongly recommended to me for honesty 
 and every other good quality. 
 
 During the ride to Crato, I related the his- 
 tory of Serjeant Read, which much interested 
 the captain, who assured me that he had 
 always felt fully persuaded the poor fellow 
 was innocent, but that his was one of those 
 unfortunate military cases where no service 
 could have been rendered to the prisoner, as 
 all the chief officers were strongly prejudiced, 
 while the evidence adduced was unfavorable 
 to him. In short, that he (Captain Grove) at 
 the time of his sentence could do no more 
 than pity the brave fellow, which he still did 
 from his heart. 
 
 On entering Crato I was much struck 
 with its venerable appearance, its antique 
 buildings, the wall around the town, which is 
 more than half decayed, and its mouldering 
 old castle, whose turrets at that time were 
 partly covered with large storks. 
 
 While on this visit, I was often entertained 
 by the frolics of Lieutenant Wright, who,
 
 NED CLINTON. 149 
 
 on one occasion, contrived to eng^age two Irish 
 ensign.s, who had lately joined the regiment, 
 named OGrady and O 'Flaherty, in an argu- 
 ment, when, by occasional but well-timed 
 remarks, while they were warmly disputing, 
 he so worked upon their passions as to make 
 them both use violent and improper language 
 to each other ; after which, he intimated to 
 O 'Grady that his character would be lost if 
 he neglected to call out O' Flaherty for the 
 language he had used, and then persuaded 
 Lieutenant Millet to tell O' Flaherty it was 
 necessary to his character to call out OGrady. 
 
 Thus were these youths (who had both come 
 from the town of Tipperary, and been intimate 
 from childhood) spurred on to send mutual 
 challenges, which were accepted. Yet it must 
 be acknowledged that both the young gentle- 
 men expressed as much unwillingness towards 
 the combat as they dared venture, but the 
 dread of being stigmatized as cowards, and 
 perhaps turned out of the regiment, got the 
 better of their friendly feelings, and they pre- 
 pared themselves for the awful encounter. 
 
 Lieutenant Wright was engaged as the
 
 150 NED CLINTON. 
 
 second of Eusig-n O' Grady, while LieutenaDt 
 Millet undertook that kind office for Ensig-o 
 O'FIaherty ; and the place appointed for the 
 duel was a retired spot outside the town wall. 
 
 These parties proceeded to the spot in 
 question at day-light on the following morn- 
 ing, accompanied by Corporal Brady (the 
 invalid soldier recommended to me as a 
 servant) who, it appears, was employed by 
 the seconds in the malicious design of inspi- 
 ring greater terror into the principals, to 
 whom they accounted for taking him. by say- 
 ing they might unfortunately require his 
 services to convey away a dead or wounded 
 body, or probably to fetch a surgeon. 
 
 After reaching the appointed ground, the 
 seconds failed not to terrify the minds of the 
 principal as much as possible ; they asked 
 them severally if they had made their wills 
 and written to their parents ? if they had any 
 message to leave in case of falling ? and many 
 other questions of a similar nature, all which 
 the young men bore tolerably well : that is to 
 say, they betrayed no violent marks of fear, 
 though it was evident from their manners and
 
 NED CLINTON. 151 
 
 palpable confusion that they were engaged in 
 a business which they were very far from 
 relishing. 
 
 The distance of six paces having been 
 measured with all due formality, and the 
 principals having taken their stations and re- 
 ceived the loaded pistols from their seconds, 
 turned themselves with becoming solem- 
 nity into the positions they had been tutored 
 to take, and in which they were to remain 
 until the signal to fire, when these old friends 
 were to view each other, as they apprehended, 
 for the last time. 
 
 Lieutenant Wright, on whom that task 
 devolved, was in no haste to give the pre- 
 concerted signal ; on the contrary, he kept 
 the principals for several minutes in a horrid 
 state of suspense; at length he gave it, and 
 the parties fired together with great exactness, 
 but to their mutual terror each discovered, as 
 soon as collected enough, that he himself was 
 frightfully sprinkled with blood. 
 
 Meantime the seconds withdrew their prin- 
 cipals from each other, severally supporting 
 them to trees remote from each other, under
 
 152 NED CLINTON. 
 
 which they seated them upon the grass, while 
 Brady, with officious zeal, hastened away 
 to bring a surgeon. 
 
 Thus disfigured with blood, these young 
 gentlemen were found by the surgeon and 
 more than half a dozen other officers, who 
 accompanied him to the field, and of whom I 
 was one ; they were lying in easy positions 
 under the trees, each believii^-g that his 
 antagonist was in a more deplorable condi- 
 tion than himself, yet each afraid to move, 
 for their seconds kept cautioning them against 
 stirring, saying it might bring on violent 
 hemorrhage and cause immediate death. 
 
 The surgeon with great gravity alternately 
 examined the apparently wounded duellists, 
 while all the party stood by, making woful 
 faces, and occasionally uttering alarming ex- 
 clamations, until at length he pronounced 
 that the gentlemen were neither wounded. 
 
 The apparent surprise of the by-standers, 
 and the real joy of the duellists at this notifica- 
 tion, are not to be described, though many 
 half-stifled laughs were soon heard amongst 
 us, caused by the strangely disfigured appear-
 
 NED CLINTON. 153 
 
 ance of the principals, who, themselves, after 
 having shaken hands and reflected a little upon 
 what had taken place, began to shew signs of 
 sulkiness and anger. 
 
 But Lieutenant Wright, who had now en- 
 joyed his joke, saw the propriety of averting 
 the threatening storm, and therefore invited 
 the entire party to breakfast with him, where, by 
 his affability and happy merry disposition, he 
 succeeded, after the duellists had changed their 
 clothes and washed themselv^es, in reconciling 
 them to the trick which had been played that 
 morning, at their expense, and we were all ex- 
 cellent company together; while in the antici- 
 pation of a boar hunt, which Wright proposed 
 for the next day, all former animosity was 
 completely forgotten, and the youthful Irish 
 ensigns were as fond of him as ever. 
 
 It may be proper to explain, that the fright- 
 ful appearance of the duellists, and the alarm 
 which they had consequently sustained, w^ere 
 caused by the pistols having being crammed 
 with bullock's blood, which corporal Brady 
 by the instructions of Lieutenant Wright, had 
 
 h3
 
 154 NED CLINTON. 
 
 SO safely secured, as neither to wet the powder, 
 nor escape from the muzzles of the pistols. 
 
 My leave of absence having expired, I 
 could not stay for the boar hunt, though I felt 
 a strong inclination to partake of that amuse- 
 ment, which Corporal Brady, whose services 
 I had now accepted, assured me was a 
 marvellous good pastime. 
 
 I left Crato that same evening, after partak- 
 ing of an early dinner with Captain Grove, 
 who related to me that Brady had long served 
 to amuse Lieutenant Wright and many other 
 officers of the regiment, who had been in the 
 habit of employing him in numerous droll ad- 
 ventures; "nevertheless," added the captain, 
 '^ you will find him a faithful fellow, on whom 
 you may safely depend ; though, of course, 
 you will see the propriety of not keeping him 
 on such familiar terms as our young gentlemen 
 have done, who, I have no doubt, will regret 
 his being invalided more than they would the 
 loss of a brother officer. 
 
 After taking leave of the captain, and 
 when rkiing slowly out of the town, 1 was
 
 NED CLINTON. 155 
 
 joined by my friend Wright and several other 
 officers, who came after me to shake hands 
 and wish me well? when Wright whispered 
 that 1 must oblige him by leaving Brady till 
 next day, which request I could do no other- 
 wise than comply with, particularly as he pro- 
 mised to procure the corporal a fresh pass, and 
 send him after me on the following day. 
 
 It was in this pleasant manner that 1 passed 
 a few days at Crato, and took leave of my 
 old military companions of the Hercules.
 
 166 NED CLINTONr 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Corporal Brady makes good his Master's 
 Billet. — Clinton's Introduction to the 
 General at Campo Mayor, 
 
 Neither Glover or I remained much longer 
 at Portalegre ; for the promotion we obtained 
 occasioned our being employed in more res- 
 ponsible situations than we had filled as clerks. 
 Glover was sent to the fortress of Elvas, and 
 1 was detached on the same day to the town 
 of Campo Mayor. 
 
 After receiving our instructions, and I had 
 taken leave of Commissary Porter, we quitted 
 Portalegre together, both mounted on good 
 horses of our own, and each having a mule to 
 carry his baggage, and a private servant to 
 take charge of it ; mine, as already mentioned, 
 was Corporal James Brady. Glover's servant
 
 NED CLINTON. 157 
 
 was a sly intelligent Portuguese lad, named 
 Joze, who had been a pimp at Lisbon, and 
 afterwards a servant to various British offi- 
 cers, each of whom had given him a good 
 written character. 
 
 We proceeded that evening to Arronches, 
 where we obtained billets; mine was upon a 
 padre, who either was or affected to be con- 
 fined to his bed by disease. He had but a 
 poor sort of a house, yet the billet being bet- 
 ter than Glover's, we agreed to mess at it ; 
 and Brady, in spite of numerous impediments, 
 which the padre's housekeeper threw in his 
 way, soon contrived to knock up a good din- 
 ner ; but when I thought of retiring to repose, 
 Brady made his report that the padre and 
 his housekeeper occupied the only two beds 
 in the house, although they knew that my billet 
 entitled me to one of them. *'And plaise 
 your honour," added the corporal, *' they 
 want but one bed when they're alone tog€s 
 ther, yet would humbug and make us believe, 
 they always sleep apart, and that the old goat 
 is sick of a fever; but, by Jasus, your honour, 
 only give me free lave, and I'll soon cure the
 
 158 NED CLINTON. 
 
 padre of his fever, and send him to bed with 
 his old bedfellow;" having said which, he 
 hastened away, followed by Glover and I, 
 who would fain see what he purposed doing. 
 Having entered the priest's apartment, he 
 told him, in broken Portuguese, to get up, on 
 which the padr^, with many wry faces and 
 frightful exclamations, said, he was star-mal 
 with a fever ; on which Brady, without fur- 
 ther delay or ceremony, gently opened the 
 clothes at the foot of the bed, and drawing 
 an old sword, poked it into the opening right 
 against the priest's posteriors, who, feeling the 
 cold steel, immediately forgot his fever, and, 
 jumping out of bed, ran off with great agility, 
 doubtless to take possession of the house- 
 keeper's quarters, for we saw no more of him 
 that night; while the corporal protested on 
 the following morning, and has continued 
 doing so ever since, that they were locked up 
 together very snugly all the night. 
 
 At our breakfast, the padre made his ap- 
 pearance, shewing us the most healthy and 
 jolly countenance we had seen amongst the 
 Portuguese; nor was he sparing of his abuse,
 
 NED CLINTON. 159 
 
 which we affected not to understand, although 
 we clearly made out his threat of reporting 
 our conduct to the commander of the British 
 forces. But Brady, on the other hand, took 
 every opportunity of asking him how he spent 
 his night, and whether the housekeeper had 
 cured his fever ; adding that, if she was so 
 excellent a doctress, by Jasus, she ought to 
 be reported for the general good of the army! 
 This language soon drove the padre away, 
 and we saw no more of his florid round face. 
 
 My friend and I travelled together after 
 breakfast till we came to where the roads 
 divide for Campo Mayor and Elvas, when we 
 parted to proceed to our separate destina- 
 tions; and I reached the fortified town of 
 Campo Mayor about sun-set, when I lost no 
 time in seeking the quarters of the general 
 officer who commanded, to report my arrival, 
 which my present situation rendered it incum- 
 bent on me to do. 
 
 The officer in question was a distinguished 
 member of the British senate, and at the same 
 time a most zealous enterprising character, 
 possessing, probably, more energy of mind
 
 160 NED CLINTOM. 
 
 than coolness and sound judgment. He was 
 a steady friend to the effective soldier, wliose 
 rations he personally looked to, and conse- 
 quently they were always as good as could be 
 procured ; though, on the other hand, he was 
 somewhat litigious in his military arrange- 
 ments, and committed that common fault of 
 issuing more orders than could be attended to. 
 
 When 1 arrived at his quarters, the servant 
 very inconsiderately ushered me into the 
 room where the general was, instead of first 
 announcing my name, which, knowing how 
 his master was employed, he ought to have 
 been most particular in doing. As it hap- 
 pened, he opened the door rather suddenly, 
 and at an unlucky moment, when the general 
 was in the very act of receiving a tremendous 
 blow from the fist of an officer with whom he 
 was sparring, and which knocked him back- 
 wards with great force upon the ground, and 
 against my legs, in such a manner that I lost 
 my balance, and fell upon the prostrate 
 general. 
 
 I felt terribly disconcerted at my situation ; 
 but the enterprising hero, springing up.
 
 NED CLIS'TON lol 
 
 Quickly pushed me on one side, without re- 
 garding who I was, and, without h)sing a 
 moment, set-to again with great vigour, and 
 continued sparring for four more rounds, 
 when he had his revenge by knocking down 
 his adversary, after which he became tran- 
 quil. 
 
 The combatants having put on their regi- 
 mentals, I found that I was in company with 
 the commandant of the fortress and a captain 
 belonging to one of the regiments of his bri- 
 gade ; and, strange to say, for he was scarcely 
 ever known to give a dinner, I bad^ on this 
 occasion, the honour of partaking of that meal 
 with him and the captain, whose conduct in 
 the boxing match had given the general such 
 complete satisfaction, that he agreed at this 
 dinner to sanction the captain's application 
 for leave of absence to England, which was 
 accordingly obta'ned, though every similar 
 application from -other officers had been re- 
 fused by this distinguished general. 
 
 1 was very comfortably situated at Campo 
 Mayor, having a good billet and pleasant 
 society amongst the officers, whilst my in-
 
 162 NED CLINTON. 
 
 creased pay enabled me to keep a snug table 
 at home, where I generally had a friend to 
 dine with me when I was not invited out. The 
 rations were good, owing to the general's inde- 
 fatigable perse verance, who would permit none, 
 except the best articles the country afforded, 
 to be supplied to the troops ; nor did he hesitate 
 in confining in a common guard-house the 
 mayors of such towns as had sent him inferior 
 provisions or wine ; until, at length, such was , 
 the terror he inspired, that his brigade were 
 certain of being furnished with the best of 
 every thing. I have been told that, in the 
 early part of the campaign, it was not un- 
 common for him to imprison half a dozen 
 magistrates together, detaining them from 
 the towns and villages to which they be- 
 longed, until good rations were brought, and 
 they had promised to amend their conduct. 
 
 This bustling general had caused great 
 trouble to the commissaries, though now it 
 was quite the reverse, and we had little else to 
 do than make the necessary requisitions, and 
 attend to those made upon us.
 
 NED CLINTON. 163 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Trial of a Corporal, and his humorous 
 
 Defence. 
 
 I HAD contracted at my father's house the 
 habit of rising early, which the marches in 
 this country had fully confirmed, and being 
 upon the ramparts of Campo Mayor at an 
 early hour one morning, I saw from them a 
 party of the provost guard apprehend asoldier 
 in the act of stealing fruit from a garden. Cu- 
 riosity made me descend from the rampart as 
 the prisoner was being conveyed into the 
 town, and I witnessed his being led into the 
 market place, where the provost guard was 
 stationed ; and the provost being on the spot, 
 immediately executed a well-timed and most 
 summary punishment on the poor fellow in 
 the following manner; of which the example
 
 164 NED CLINTON. 
 
 could not fail in being beneficial amongst a 
 body of troops. 
 
 He turned out the whole of the provost 
 guard, and having ordered the unfortunate 
 culprit to strip, which he was slow in doing, 
 he, in spite of his urgent entreaties for pardon 
 and his numerous promises of offending no 
 more, directed that he should immediately be 
 stripped by force, and tied to the lofty pillar 
 of Justice which stands in the middle of* the 
 market place. This done, he ordered the 
 drummer of the guard to commence the ope- 
 ration of flogging ; nor did he direct the drum- 
 boy to cease until the man had received far 
 the greater portion of one hundred lashes, 
 well laid on upon his naked back, when he 
 ordered that he should be taken down. 
 
 No sooner had the soldier slipped on his 
 clothes, and stopped making the bellowing 
 cries which the painful flagellation forced 
 from him, than the provost told him to re- 
 member the little lesson he had received, and 
 that he now had permission to march away 
 and join his regiment ; adding he (the 
 soldier) might keep secret what had happened
 
 NED CLINTON. 165 
 
 to him if he chose, for he fthe provost) 
 would not tell any person of it. 
 
 This communication had the immediate 
 effect of setting every one a laughing-, as at 
 that time there were present not only soldiers 
 belonging to every regiment but to every com- 
 pany in the garrison, who had beheld the 
 punishment this poor fellow had just received. 
 
 On another occasion 1 was much surprised 
 and amused at the defence made by a corporal, 
 at his trial, before a brigade court-martial. 
 
 This man had been employed, with a party 
 of Portuguese under his command, to convey 
 some bullocks from Lisbon to the brfgade of 
 troops at Campo Mayor, which had recently 
 arrived from Barbary ; for it should be ob- 
 served, that the British army often received 
 large supplies from that country. At Lisbon the 
 corporal had a sealed letter given to him from 
 the office of the <?hief commissary, at the time 
 the bullocks were put under his charge, with 
 directions to deliver the animals, together with 
 the letter, to the commissary at Campo Mayor. 
 
 But, as ill luck would have it, he was not 
 aware that the letter contained a minute de-
 
 166 NED CLINTON. 
 
 scription of the size and colour of the different 
 animals; while on the march, he was tempted 
 for the sake of a difference in money, to ex- 
 change the largest of the African bullocks for 
 a Portuguese bullock of a much smaller size ; 
 and what rendered the case still more glaring, 
 the animal he had parted with was described 
 as, and proved to have been, a white one, while 
 that which he exchanged it for was black. 
 
 The evidence against him at the trial was 
 perfectly clear and conclusive ; yet, when 
 asked what he had to say in his defence, he 
 astonished the whole court by his effront^y, 
 in positively affirming that the animal he de- 
 livered at Campo Mayor was the very same 
 he had received at Lisbon ; and upon one of 
 the members of the court declaring this was 
 impossible, as he had received a white bullock 
 and delivered up a black one, he had the 
 further assurance to swe'ar, in his native 
 tongue, the broad Irish brogue, that it was the 
 identical animal, though he owned 'twas also 
 true the baist he received was a white one ; 
 " but, by the holy Jasus," added Pat, " it was 
 an obstinate animal, who would not travel
 
 NED CLINTON. 167 
 
 without much bating ; so, your honor, I was 
 obliged to bate him, and to bate him again, 
 till at last 1 bate the animal till he became all 
 over black !" 
 
 The members of the court could not 
 smother their laughter, but were almost 
 convulsed with it, whilst Pat, whose saga- 
 city had discovered his case was a bad one, 
 and who had consequently stuck to his story, 
 because he thought it afforded the only chance 
 of escaping punishment, kept repeating over 
 and over again, all his ridiculous assertions 
 about bating the white bullock black, until 
 the president of the court found it absolutely 
 necessary to order him to be conveyed out of 
 the room, that some gravity might be restored. 
 
 But what was most extraordinary in this 
 business, Pat experienced the happiest result 
 from his defence; for the general, who was 
 extremely amused at it, finding the man had 
 hitherto borne an excellent character, both 
 for bravery and general good conduct, was 
 pleased, after detaining him in confinement 
 for a few days, to grant him a free pardon.
 
 168 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAP XVII. 
 
 Clinton profih hy an Example. — Contrast 
 between the Spaniards and Portuguese. 
 
 Prosperity is dangerous. The easy life that 
 I led at Campo Mayor, and the confidence 
 which was reposed in me, went far towards 
 turning; my head. I began to fancy myself a 
 personage of no little consequence ; giring 
 myself numerous airs with the clerks of the 
 commissariat, as though I had never been one ; 
 and ev^en forgetting myself so much as to grow 
 negligent of my business, and to assume con- 
 sequence with the quartermasters of regi- 
 ments and other subordinate officers when 
 they came for rations. 
 
 To what pitch this folly might have car- 
 ried me, before I was taught better, it is im* 
 possible to surmise; but luckily for me, I had
 
 NED CLINTON. 169 
 
 not long given way to this arrogant conduct, 
 before I had an opportunity of benefiting by 
 a lesson which was very properly given to a 
 commissary of much higher rank than I held. 
 One day I accompanied an officer belong- 
 ing to one of the regiments in Campo Mayor 
 in taking a ride to Badajoz, which we entered 
 by passing the long bridge of twenty-five 
 arches thrown over that fine river, the Gua- 
 diana, which divides the kingdoms of Spain 
 and Portugal. Having passed the bridge and 
 rode some little distance into the town, we 
 met one of the most distinguished generals 
 in the British army; an officer of talents in- 
 ferior to none; superior to all in hospita- 
 lity, and subordinate in rank to one only 
 serving in the Peninsula. 
 
 He was on horseback, accompanied by a 
 numerous staff, and it so happened that 
 whilst we were opposite to him he observed a 
 small party of soldiers standing near the 
 commissariat store-house, to whom he imme- 
 diately rode, and enquired whence they came, 
 and what they were waiting for? In reply, 
 they told him they were just off the march 
 
 VOL I. I
 
 170 NED CLINTON. 
 
 from the general hospital at Lis^bon, and had 
 come that day from Elvas on the way to join 
 their regiment, and that they were waiting for 
 their rations. On this the general desired 
 one of his staff to order the commissary to 
 issue these mens' rations without the smallest 
 delay, and at the same time to caution him 
 never to keep soldiers waiting unnecessarily 
 for their provisions. 
 
 Having delivered these instructions in a 
 loud voice, so that every person present must 
 have heard them, the general proceeded on his 
 ride ; nor was it till several days afterwards 
 that I heard the following particulars, result- 
 ing from the commissary's insolence or 
 neglect in not attending to the general's 
 peremptory order. 
 
 It appears, that the general returned to 
 Badajoz in about three hours after issuing 
 these instructions, when, in passing near to 
 the commissariat store, he observed the same 
 party of soldiers still waiting there ; on which 
 he enquired, what they remained so long there 
 for? and on learning that their rations were 
 not yet issued, he ordered the commissary to
 
 NED CLINTON. 171 
 
 be called ; and, on his appearing, peremptorily 
 asked, why his orders had not been obeyed ? 
 
 The commissary seemed to make light of 
 the business, and merely answered by saying, 
 he had been much occupied ; upon which, 
 the general became extremely angry, and 
 told the commissary to mind what he was 
 about, or he would make a severe example of 
 him, for it ill became such an idle fellow as he 
 was to keep brave soldiers starving for hours 
 in the public street, after a fatiguing march. 
 
 In answer to this speech, the commissary 
 again made some improper remark, which so 
 irritated the general, that he spoke still 
 harsher, and concluded lus speech by affirming, 
 that if the mens' rations were not issued to 
 them within ten minutes, he would that same 
 day, before sun-set, make a memorable exam- 
 ple of the commissary by publicly hanging 
 him at the nearest town gate. 
 
 The general now rode away, leaving an 
 orderly dragoon to follow him, with a report 
 of the exact time when the men obtained their 
 rations ; meanwhile, the commissary took es- 
 pecial good care that they were issued before 
 the expiration of the ten minutes. 
 
 I 2
 
 172 NED CLINTON. 
 
 The following morning tlie commissary, 
 feeling indignant at the treatment he had 
 received, waited upon the general to expos- 
 tulate with him about it, when, obtaining no 
 satisfaction, but on the contrary his complaints 
 provoking still more harsh language, he obser- 
 ved, that the general ought at least to recollect 
 that his situation entitled him to write gentle- 
 man after his name, and he certainly ought to 
 be treated accordingly. Upon hearing which, 
 the general, still further incensed, told him 
 that there was a mistake in the business, and 
 swore that he would write to the lords of the 
 treasury to have it rectified, by the word 
 gentleman being erased from standing after 
 his name. 
 
 This language and treatment so inflamed the 
 passions of the commissary, that away he pos- 
 ted to the head-quarters of the army, and 
 made his complaint to the commander of the 
 forces, who, having listened to him with atten- 
 tion, asked in a serious tone if the general 
 had really threatened to hang him. On which 
 he assured his excellency he had spoken 
 nothing more than the truth, as he could bring 
 witnesses to prove. '* Then, sir," said the
 
 KED CLINTON. 173 
 
 commander of the forces, with great gravity, 
 " I recommend you to return back directly 
 to your station, and to pay the strictest atten- 
 tion to all the general's orders, for," added 
 he, " I know him well ; and, by G — , if he 
 says he will hang you, he will certainly keep 
 his word !" 
 
 Thus was this proud commissary thoroughly 
 humbled, and taught for the future to know 
 his proper situation, and be attentive to the 
 duties of his department, in place of assu- 
 ming foolish airs, and detaining poor har- 
 rassed soldiers, for whose service he held his 
 employment, for hours together in the public 
 street, waiting his pleasure ere they obtained 
 those rations to which they had a just claim. 
 
 The lesson was of importance to me, 
 making me ever afterwards far more attentive 
 to the commissariat duties ; and, in particular, 
 to that leading branch of them, the issuing of 
 provisions and other rations in a prompt 
 manner to every rank in the army. 
 
 The contrast between the cleanliness of 
 Badajoz and the Portuguese towns on the 
 opposite frontier is most striking. The
 
 J74 NED CLINTOV. 
 
 streets of the latter are all filthy, whilst tfiose 
 of the former are kept in a state of compa- 
 rative cleanliness. In Portugal, excepting- 
 Lisbon and some houses in the large cities, or 
 belonging to noblemen, it may be said that 
 the houses are without chimneys, and there 
 really is no such a convenience to be found; 
 but, as a substitute, the people break a tile or 
 two off the roofs of their houses, right over 
 the places where their fires are made, which 
 miserable contrivance has the effect of letting 
 in the wet, whilst very little of the smoke 
 escapes by it. 
 
 But in Spain, and often little more than a 
 stone's throw from this wretched contrivance, 
 every house has a large fire-place, something 
 like those of our old farm-houses in England, 
 wherein numerous sides of bacon are hung to 
 dry, and several pepple may seat themselves 
 snugly in its corners. 
 
 Alas! this contrast proceeds from national 
 jealousy and prejudice, the one country 
 being above copying from the other what is 
 useful or advantageous ; neither is this mean- 
 ness peculiar to these states, it being unfor-
 
 NED CLINTON. 175 
 
 r 
 
 tunately the case with all countries that 
 adjoin each other ; though, with this variation, 
 that the smaller and more contemptible the 
 state, the greater is its hatred and prejudice 
 to its neighbour. 
 
 It must also be allowed, that the Spanish 
 people are more cleanly in their persons than 
 the Portuguese, the latter being filthy beyond 
 the powers of description; even such a thing 
 as a comb is not to be seen amongst the low^er 
 orders, although they encourage a profuse 
 growth of hair. A celebrated English Duchess, 
 who resided for some time at Lisbon, ever 
 afterwards declared, that she never entered 
 the house of a Portuguese during her whole 
 stay there without being compelled to change 
 her garments when she returned home, to 
 get rid of the numerous guests that invaria- 
 bly accompanied her grace from such a visit. 
 
 Yet we must allow that this religious people, 
 who worship the Almighty through the me- 
 dium of a numerous army of saints and mar- 
 tyrs, shew a thorough detestation of all heathen 
 deities, insomuch, that I strongly doubt 
 whether, in the whole country of Portugal,
 
 176 NED CLINTO?f. 
 
 there is one temple dedicated to the goddess" 
 Cloacsena. 
 
 The indecency of the funerals in this coun- 
 try is also revolting to nature ; for though the 
 corpse in the first instance receives every sort 
 of attention, by being- dressed in the richest 
 clothes the person possessed when living, and 
 a nosegay placed on the bosom, yet, within 
 a few hours after the breath is out of the body, 
 the corpse is deposited without any other co- 
 vering, and lying upon its back in a hole 
 several feet deep, when quantities af quick- • 
 lime are thrown over it, and a couple of men, 
 with heavy stakes, beat it down with ail their 
 force, so that, unquestionably, every bone of 
 the face and ribs must be broken. 
 
 But, to turn to pleasanter subjects. The 
 fruits and other garden productions in both^ 
 countries are delicious and abundant; the 
 water-melons, in particular, exquisitely 
 good, and so plentiful and cheap that the 
 hogs are chiefly fattened on them and the 
 husks of the grape. But the agriculturists 
 are unworthy of the genial climate and pro- 
 lific soil ; they take no trouble in manuring
 
 NED CLINTON 177 
 
 their lands. When the harvest is reaped, 
 according to their fashion, by cutting about 
 half way down the straw, and safely housed, 
 they set fire to the stubble, the ashes of which 
 is all the manure the lands get, 
 
 A whole tract of x?ountry, often as far as 
 the eye can command, is frequently blazing 
 in the autumn of the year ; and as the stubble 
 is usually set fire to in the evening, its effect 
 after dark is truly imposing and grand. 
 
 I shall conclude by contrasting the appear- 
 ance of the Spanish women at Badajoz to that 
 of the Portuguese in the towns on their fron- 
 tier, and who are dirty, slovenly, awkward, 
 unpolished, and generally ill-made ; whilst 
 those of Badajoz are graceful in their man- 
 ners, elegant in their persons, and always well 
 clothed, their usual dress being black silk, 
 neatly made up, so as to shew their fine 
 figures to advantage, with black silk stock- 
 ings, shewing their beautifully tapered legs. 
 
 i3
 
 178 NED CLINTOJJ;; 
 
 CHAP XVIII. 
 
 Clinton receives a Visit from Captain Grove 
 and Major Leek. — The latter relates his 
 having been taken by the French^ and 
 his Escape. 
 
 About this time my friend, Captain Grove, 
 paid me a visit on his way from Crato to 
 Badajoz, where he was going for tlie purpose 
 of sitting upon a general court-martial. He 
 was accompanied by Major Leek, and they 
 obtained billets in Campo Mayor, where I 
 entreated them to partake of my mess. 
 
 The Major had been only a few days in 
 Portugal, since effecting his escape from a 
 party of French, who had escorted him to 
 the very foot of the Pyrenees, where he elu- 
 ded their vigilance and effected his escape. 
 But his narrative of the imprisonment and
 
 NED CLINTON. 179 
 
 his escape from it is amusing, therefore I will 
 repeat it in his own words : — 
 
 " It was my misfortune," said the major, " to 
 be taken prisoner near Talavera on the eve- 
 ning of the last day's fight, which misfortune 
 arose from my being struck by a spent ball 
 upon the cap of my knee, just as my regiment 
 had received orders to cease pursuing the 
 enemy, and to return to the station it occupied 
 before the engagement. 
 
 " This rendered it impossible for me to 
 march, and my horse had been killed early in 
 the day, therefore I sat down at the foot of a 
 tree, telling my orderly man to hasten to the 
 rear and bring me a horse ; but I was not left 
 alone long in this situation, ere a party of 
 French dragoons, who had observed our 
 troops retire, ventured to cross from the op- 
 posite side of the river Alberchi, in the hope 
 of obtaining plunder as well as to reconnoi- 
 tre, and unfortunately they discovered me. 
 
 " Undoubtedly these fellows would have 
 murdered and stript me, had not their officer 
 prevented them, who, seeing by my epaulettes, 
 that I was an officer of some rank, contented
 
 180 NED CLINTON. 
 
 himself by taking" my sword, and permitting- 
 his men to plunder me of my watch and purse 
 of money, after which he mounted me be- 
 hind one of the dragoons, and in this manner 
 I w'as conveyed over the Alberchi, and deli- 
 vered up to the French general, by whose 
 orders I was confined in a dilapidated house, 
 where there were many wounded Frenchmen, 
 whose groans and blasphemous imprecations 
 disturbed and shocked me during the whole 
 night. Here I received a ration of bad brown 
 bread, and the soldiers employed to guard 
 me forcibly took away my epaulettes and 
 cocked hat, giving me, in place of the latter, 
 a French soldier's greasy forage cap. On the 
 following morning my knee was considerably 
 better, and I was marched away, with several 
 other English prisoners, to the rear of the 
 French army, on the road towards Madrid. 
 
 " Two prisoners escaped from the escort 
 on the night after the first day's march, which 
 occasioned the remainder to be harshly treated, 
 and invariably locked up at night in some 
 miserable close room, where we sometimes 
 were nearly suffocated, and always bitten by
 
 NED CLINTON. 181 
 
 vermin in so wretched a manner, as to allow 
 us little or no repose. 
 
 «* We were kept a fortnight upon the road 
 in this miserable manner, sometimes halting 
 for a day or two, and then proceeding- upon 
 the march again, before we reached Madrid ; 
 in which capital I had somewhat more respect 
 paid to me, being treated as an imprisoned 
 officer, receiving better rations, and being 
 confined in a large airy room. 
 
 '* I was detained at Madrid for about three 
 weeks, when I was one of ten English priso- 
 ners put under the care of a French colonel 
 to be conveyed to France. We marched from 
 the capital of Spain, on the route towards 
 France, in the beginning of September ; the 
 escort consisting of the said colonel and four 
 other French officers, besides several Ser- 
 jeants, and thirty-five soldiers; nearly the 
 whole of whom had been wounded, or other- 
 wise rendered unfit for active service while in 
 Spain. 
 
 '- '* Amongst the British prisoners was a cap- 
 tain, two lieutenants, a serjeant, and five 
 soldiers, which, with myself, completed the
 
 182; NED CLINTON*' 
 
 number to ten ; and, in justice to this party of 
 my countrymen, I must say they were all well 
 behaved and friendly to each other, as well 
 officers as men. 
 
 " But of all the characters that ever I met 
 with, I think the French colonel was the most 
 extraordinary. Upon parade or other duties 
 he was always well dressed in a handsome 
 regimental coat, with two rich gold bullion 
 epaulettes, white smallclothes, waistcoat, and 
 large dragoon boots, accoutred with a tre- 
 mendous long sword and two brace of loaded 
 pistols, and was master of three excellent 
 Spanish horses and half a dozen mules; all 
 of the latter heavily loaded with the booty he 
 had made amongst the Spaniards, 
 
 '' This extraordinary man (£is I learnt upon 
 the march) was one of the enfant trouv6's of 
 Paris, where he had been, in succession, a 
 shoe-black, a butcher's-boy, a charcoal-man, 
 a cabriolet-driver, a grave-digger, a water- 
 carrier, and a waiter at a coffee-house, which 
 last situation he was compelled to quit to be- 
 come a soldier, having been drawn by the 
 conscription ; nor was he long with the army
 
 N?D CLINTON. 183 
 
 before his courage and the desperation of his 
 conduct in battle, caused, doubtless, by his 
 poverty and want of patronage, led to his 
 advancement ; and he became a corporal, a 
 Serjeant, and, shortly afterwards, a subaltern 
 officer, when it was his good fortune to attract 
 the notice of the French emperor, who ra- 
 pidly promoted him, from step to step, until 
 he became a colonel ; and he was now on his 
 way to France in the sanguine expectation of 
 being made a general officer. 
 
 *' This man never let pass an opportunity of 
 serving himself, in whatever manner it might 
 offer ; for whether honorable or dishonorable 
 was the same thing to him, provided he at- 
 tained his end. In short, he would plunder a 
 Spaniard with whom he was serving, or a foe 
 conquered in battle, with t^je same indif- 
 ference, looking only to two things, the value 
 of the booty, and the means of avoiding de- 
 tection. 
 
 "It was even well known, that a great por- 
 tion of the wealth with which his mules were 
 laden, had been obtained by his marrying a
 
 184 NED CLINTON. 
 
 Spanish lady, although he had several wives 
 living at the time 
 
 " All these particulars, and many others, 
 were related to me ; but I witnessed more 
 than enough to satisfy me as to this fellow's 
 character. 
 
 " At the end of a day's march, wherein he 
 had given himself every possible air of con- 
 sequence, he w^ould make nothing of strip- 
 ping off his superb regimentals and putting 
 on an old fustian dress, in which disguise he 
 would enter a barn, field, or outhouse, ac- 
 companied by several chosen men, and steal 
 a sheep, a pig, geese, or whatever offered 
 worth his notice ; which stolen animals he 
 would assist in killing, skinning, and cutting- 
 up, and afterwards in cooking; and then dress 
 himself in his full regimentals, and preside at 
 the officers' table, where he would distribute 
 the food. 
 
 " I have frequently seen him disturbed at 
 these dinners to receive the complaints of the 
 poor Spaniards against the theft of their pro- 
 perty, which complaints he apparently lis-
 
 >fED CLINTO>J. 185 
 
 tened to with great attention, and always 
 promised to redress them, sending the com- 
 plainants away with a favorable impression 
 of his justice, and with sanguine hopes of 
 having their property returned. But, in all 
 cases where these regular complaints were 
 made, I observed that it was his practice to 
 march off a full hour before day-break next 
 morning. 
 
 " It generally happened that when this gen- 
 tleman w^as quartered in a good house, where 
 plate or table linen was produced for his use, 
 that some valuable article was lost ; but, 
 strange to say, I never heard of a single in- 
 stance of any such article being afterwards 
 found, although his whole detachment were 
 sometimes examined, with the exception of 
 himself and his baggage. 
 
 *' It was an invariable rule with this distin- 
 guished officer never to pay for any article 
 of food while serving out of France, there- 
 fore when he was so situated that rations 
 were not served out to him, he compelled 
 the inhabitants of the place, or the parties on
 
 186 NED CLINTON. 
 
 whom his detachment was billetted, to supply 
 his people with wine and provisions in abun- 
 dance, for which, if pressed for it, he gave 
 them his receipt or acknowledgment, which 
 was worth nothing more than the slip of 
 paper on which it w^as written. 
 
 *' Yet this officer was much beloved by the 
 soldiers under his command ; nor was it to be 
 wondered at, as he procured them good food, 
 and winked at their loose conduct to the in- 
 habitants of the different places where they 
 marched ; but even in thus favoring the sol- 
 diers, he had an eye to his own interest, for 
 in return for these favors they were silent 
 on the subject of his numerous impositions. 
 
 " Still, in other respects, he kept his party in 
 a good state of discipline, far better than 
 French officers usually do ; and by the help 
 of mules, which he pressed from stage to stage 
 upon this march, he contrived to keep them 
 all pretty well together ; which, considering' 
 the miserable condition the men were in, was 
 a difficult task, and did him great credit, be- 
 sides, in all probability, saving many mea
 
 NED CLINTON. 187 
 
 from being killed by the Spaniards, who made 
 no scruple of murdering every straggling 
 Frenchman. 
 
 " We were upwards of a month upon this 
 march before we came near to the Pyrenees, 
 for we had frequently to halt for a day or 
 two at a time to refresh the crippled soldiers. 
 During the whole of this march, I vainly 
 sought for an opportunity of escaping, al- 
 though one of the English lieutenants and 
 three of the soldiers succeeded in doing so at 
 different periods ; but a fourth poor soldier 
 was not so fortunate, for he was taken in the 
 act of getting away, and shot dead by the co- 
 lonel's own hand, which dreadful example so 
 effectually checked the courage of the re- 
 mainder of us, that we almost gave up the 
 thought of attempting to escape. 
 
 " The French were also reduced by five of 
 their party, two of whom, in spite of their 
 colonel's excellent regulations, had straggled 
 away for plunder, and been killed by the 
 Spaniards, while three of the others had been 
 left by their commander at different Frencrh 
 hospitals on our route.
 
 188 N£D CLINTON. 
 
 *' At length I effected my purpose. We had 
 halted for the nig-ht at a village one day's 
 march from Pampeluna, where, as usual, the 
 prisoners were divided to sleep amongst the 
 party of French soldiers; but the colonel, 
 elevated with the fumes of wine, and pleased 
 with the prospect of being so near France, 
 opened his heart for once, by sending at a 
 latish hour an invitation to all the British offi- 
 cers, his prisoners, to come to his quarters 
 and take wine with him. We found him in 
 high glee, toasting bumpers to the health of 
 the great Napoleon ; but, after drinking seve- 
 ral glasses of wine, I affected illness as an 
 excuse for returning to my quarters, for I 
 thought this would be a good opportunity of 
 effecting my escape, having left the French- 
 men who were to sleep in the room with me 
 both tired and sleepy, and it being very im- 
 probable that they would be in a hurry to 
 trouble themselves about one whom they 
 would suppose to be still with their colonel ; 
 besides, I well knew that when I was missed, 
 they would not venture to search after me far 
 far out of the village.
 
 NED CLINTON. 189 
 
 *' Therefore, on quitting the French colonel's 
 quarters, from whence I was left to walk 
 alone to my own billet, I merely went a few 
 paces on my proper road, when finding I was 
 not watched, I turned off in a different direc- 
 tion, and soon reached the entrance of the 
 village, when I quickened my pace, hastening 
 forwards as fast as I was able. 
 
 *' In this manner I kept travelling, until day- 
 light broke, when I turned off the road into a 
 wood, where I lay hid for the greater part of 
 that day ; but towards evening a Spaniard 
 came suddenly upon me, and mistaking me 
 for a Frenchman, was hastening away, when, 
 considering that he might give information 
 against me to the French, or perhaps return 
 with a party of his countrymen to murder 
 me, I decided upon letting him knovv who I 
 was, as the least dangerous course I could 
 pursue. 
 
 " With this intention I hurried after him, 
 though I had some difficulty in getting him to 
 halt; nor did he, until he had satisfied himself 
 I was without arms, and had repeatedly heard 
 me say I was an Englishman who had escaped
 
 190 NED CLINTON. 
 
 from the French. When we had had a few 
 words conversation together, for I fortunately 
 knew enough of Spanish to make him under- 
 stand me, he hid me in a retired part of the 
 wood, where 1 remained until dusk, when he 
 
 4 
 
 returned, bringing with him some bread, ba- 
 con, and wine, which we partook of together ; 
 and afterwards he conducted me a distance 
 of about five leagues, through retired roads, 
 until we came to a lonely cottage, where he 
 entered and introduced me to its inhabitants, 
 a Spanish peasant and his wife. After telling 
 them who I was, the peasant produced what 
 food he had, and we all partook of it toge- 
 ther. There I lay hid that day, and at night 
 my friend set off to return home, while the 
 peasant left his family to escort me upon my 
 road towards Portugal. 
 
 *' Having mentioned the handsome conduct 
 of these two poor but worthy Spaniards, I 
 need say no more for the honor of the brave 
 peasantry of their country, than that I found 
 them all alike ; for were 1 to write a narrative 
 of my escape from the mountains of the Py- 
 renees to the moment of reaching this coun-
 
 NED CLINTON. 191 
 
 try, it would contain nothing more than a 
 repetition of their daily kindnesses to me. In 
 a word, during* the whole of this tremendous 
 long march, through a country possessed by 
 my enemies, I was hid and fed every day in 
 the cottages of the poor peasantry, while at 
 night I was escorted from place to place by 
 them, always in safety, though frequently 
 close to an enemy who would have executed 
 these honest people, without the smallest 
 scruple, for offering me this protection. 
 
 " From the circuitous routes I was often 
 obliged to take, that the French garrison 
 towns and detached troops might be avoided, 
 and also from the stoppages it was necessary to 
 make in various peasants houses, in conse- 
 quence of occasional lameness and other 
 causes, it was nearly two months before I 
 entered Portuoral, which at lenerth I did in 
 safety, in the neighbourhood of Castello de 
 Vide, after having tramped on foot the 
 greater part of one thousand miles since 1 
 was taken prisoner."
 
 192 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 An amusing Anecdote of Corporal Brady. 
 
 The whole party felt much interested at the 
 Major's narrative; and I observed that Brady, 
 under one pretence or other, staid in the 
 room during the whole time he was relating 
 it; at length after its conclusion, and the re- 
 marks of several of the party upon the dangers 
 to which the Major had been exposed, Cap- 
 tain Grove, turning round to Brady, said, 
 " Major Leek has been more fortunate than 
 you, Brady, for the French did not succeed 
 in cutting his sack." This the corporal ac- 
 knowledged with a broad grin, accompanied 
 by the exclamation of " No, by Jasus, cap- 
 tain!" which created a curiosity amongst us 
 to know what was alluded to; and after Brady
 
 NED CLINTON. 193 
 
 had left the room, we failed not to inquire 
 the particulars of Captain Grove, who, laugh- 
 ing-, said, '* he should have great pleasure in 
 gratifying our curiosity. 
 
 " You must know then, gentlemen," said 
 the captain, '^ that 1 was once detached at an 
 out-post, stationed at a frontier village of 
 Portugal, where I had a couple of companies 
 with me, when the French, in the middle of 
 the night after Saint Patrick's day, surprised 
 and beat in my picquets, which they followed 
 so closely upon, that we were all, French and 
 English, for a time mixed pell-mell together. 
 
 *« Fortunately my detachment turned out 
 pretty quickly, or every man of us would 
 have been taken or killed ; for we had no 
 support nearer than two leagues, while a 
 large French force was following after the 
 troops engaged with ns ; but our promptness 
 in turning out saved us on this occasion, and 
 enabled us to succeed in driving off the 
 enemy, and making him disgracefully re-cross 
 the bridge, where he had just before over- 
 powered our picquet; this too before a tri- 
 fling force, about one-third of his own num- 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 NED CLINTON. 
 
 ber; besides, he left many men dead and 
 wounded behind him. 
 
 *' Now it happened on this occasion, that 
 Corporal James Brady, who doubtless had 
 taken his full allowance of drink in toasting 
 the memory of the glorious Saint Patrick, was 
 nevertheless one of the first men in the de- 
 tachment to turn out and oppose these 
 Frenchmen ; and 'tis but justice to him to say, 
 he fought them most bravely, and pushed vi- 
 gorously after them as they fled down the 
 hill leading to the bridge ; but, unfortunately. 
 Saint Patrick had forgotten poor Brady, who, 
 although he had hitherto espaped wounds, 
 was now stopt in his career by a bullet, which 
 passed through his body ; and, while the poor 
 fellow lay roaring upon the ground from the 
 pain caused by this wound, I chanced to pass 
 near enough for him to observ^e me ; on which 
 he began bellowing out with redoubled vi- 
 gour, crying, ' Ah, captain ! by Jasus, cap- 
 tain, they have cut my sack at last! the 
 Frenchmen have cut my sack ! Oh, my poor 
 old sack!'" 
 
 Here Captain Grove was interrupted by
 
 NED CLINTON. 195 
 
 the entrance of Brady himself, whose healthy 
 and jolly appearance formed so striking" a 
 contrast to that of a man on the point of 
 dying-, from his sack being cut (as Brady 
 styled the skin of his body), that none of us 
 could avoid laughing outright ; while Brady, 
 who seemed to be acquainted with the cause 
 of our merriment, gave a knowing kind of 
 grin as he walked towards the side-table, at 
 the same time clapping both his hands upon 
 his well-lined corporation, which mummery 
 caused us to lau^h still more outrageously, 
 although nothing was said by any of the party 
 upon the subject of our merriment, until 
 Brady had retired from the room. 
 
 My guests were so well pleased with their 
 entertainment, that they suffered themselves 
 to be persuaded to stay a second day at 
 Campo Mayor, to dine with me again, as the 
 court-martial was not to assemble for a day 
 or two. Nor were my friends at all sparing 
 of Mr. Commissary's wine on this visit, but 
 drank it as though it cost me nothing ; for it 
 may be observed, that even well-informed 
 military men frequently entertain the notion 
 
 k2
 
 196 NED CLINTON. 
 
 that a commissary gets every article of food 
 aDd drink for nothing; as if he could serve 
 himself without rendering an account of 
 the stores placed under his care. 
 
 But this is rather too tender a subject for a 
 commissary to discuss, as it would ill become 
 him to discover the mysteries of his profes- 
 sion; and no trade, employment, or profes- 
 sion, is without its mysteries.
 
 NED CLINTON. 197 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 The Sameness of a Soldier's Life in Quar- 
 iers. — A curious Medical Case. 
 
 The life of a soldier, while wintering in a 
 garrison town, seldom exhibits much variety ; 
 but is a mere repetition of frivolous employ- 
 ments and pastimes ; the same routine of duty, 
 and a succession of trifling amusements, of a 
 nature similar to each other, occupy all his 
 time : and although I was no soldier, yet 
 my situation as a commissary placed me pre- 
 cisely on the footing of one, as far at least as 
 regarded the disposal of my hours. It is true, 
 I had no guards orpicquets to mount, neither 
 had I any parades or flogging matches to 
 attend j but then 1 had the rations of every
 
 198 NED CLINTON, 
 
 sort to issue both for man and beast, which 
 was equivalent to the duty of the soldier ; 
 while, as to our amusements, they could not 
 be otherwise than alike. 
 
 We dined, we supped, and we made up 
 drinking matches with each other ; we rode 
 about the country ; we hunted partridges and 
 hares, and sometimes we shot them ; we raced 
 our horses, mules, and asses against each 
 other, and sometimes we had foot races ; we 
 had jumping matches, and others for sparring 
 and wrestling ; we played at trap-ball, and 
 occasionally at cricket ; while, in wet wea- 
 ther, many amongst us sat from morning till 
 night playing at cards, backgammon, drafts, 
 dominos, or chess ; and some tossed up money, 
 guessed odd or even, or drew straws to decide 
 their wagers. But a few, perhaps, read or 
 wrote aivay a portion of their leisure time; 
 which extraordinary conduct caused them to 
 be laughed at by all the other officers, and I 
 was amongst those who were thus ridiculed. 
 Yet there were some amongst us that were 
 not so innocently employed ; their chief amuse- 
 ment was intriguing ; or, more properly speak-
 
 NED CLINTON. 199 
 
 ing, trying to seduce peoples' wives and 
 daughters ; but what success they may have 
 had I never learnt, neither was I anxious to 
 know ; for these gentlemen's exploits are best 
 veiled in darkness. 
 
 An odd case occurred in the brigade hos- 
 pital at Campo Mayor while I was at that 
 town, which served to puzzle all the medical 
 gentlemen, and set them at variance one with 
 another ; and as they never could be brought 
 to one opinion upon it, while it really seems 
 to be a very curious case, and is well authen- 
 ticated, I will take upon me to relate it, be- 
 cause it may probably serve to afford matter 
 for discussion amongst still graver doctors, 
 who may posssibly enlighten the world by 
 coming to some able and unanimous decision 
 on the subject. 
 
 There was a soldier belonging to one of the 
 regiments in this garrison, who had com- 
 plained of illness for upwards of two months, 
 during which period scarcely any thing re- 
 mained upon his stomach; while the efforts 
 of the surgeons to afford him relief proved 
 altogether abortive ; and, as if to spite them,
 
 200 NED CLINTON. 
 
 the man gradually became thinner and paler^ 
 until at last he was little better than a skeleton, 
 and his face looked the image cf death. 
 
 Sometimes he was confined as a close pa* 
 tient in the hospital ; at other times permitted 
 to be an out-patient; in short, the surgeons 
 knew not what to do with him, as they could 
 not discover the cause of his complaint; yet 
 in one thing they all agreed, namely, that the 
 man would soon die. 
 
 At the crisis of this poor fellow's illness he 
 was a patient in the h-ospital, where, by the 
 by, he was not permitted to take any strong 
 beverage nor food of a heating nature, being 
 kept upon an extreme low diet ; but his suf- 
 ferings from the pain in his stomach growing 
 more violent, he determined to try an expe- 
 riment of his own, which, though quite con- 
 trary to the surgeon's prescription, he fancied 
 he should obtain some benefit from. 
 
 Fixed in this resolution, the poor fellow 
 persuaded one of his comrades to procure for 
 him rather more than half a pint of aqua-dente, 
 (a strong spirit extracted from the grape), 
 and to smuggle it into the hospital, which
 
 NED CLINTON. 201 
 
 being done, he without hesitation drank off 
 the whole of this dose. 
 
 But this act of his being contrary to the 
 hospital regulations, was of course performed 
 in private ; that this to say, the man went into 
 a corner of the ward or room in which he 
 was confined with about a dozen more men, 
 and then drank off the spirit from a mouth of 
 a smal] calabash, in which his comrade had 
 brought it to him. 
 
 But it appears the liquor was scarcely 
 down his throat, before it caused sickness at 
 the stomach ; and the man's sudden excla- 
 mations on this occasion made several of the 
 other patients, as also one of the hospital at- 
 tendants, approach him to see what was the 
 matter, when, to their extreme surprise, they 
 perceived the man had vomited a large spotted 
 lizard, which, at that time, retained sufficient 
 life to move about a little, though it shortly 
 afterwards died. 
 
 The surgeon of the regiment to which this 
 man belonged was immediately sent for, and 
 great appeared his surprise on this occasion^ 
 though he had the satisfaction of finding his 
 
 k3
 
 202 NED CLINTON. 
 
 patient was relieved from all pain, and enjoy- 
 ing the first moment's ease he had experienced 
 since the commencement of his disorder. 
 
 The surgeon put innumerable questions to 
 the man, as well as to all the party present ; 
 and finally concluded his visit by placing the 
 dead lizard in a bottle of spirits, and bearing 
 it away with him as a trophy. 
 
 The following day there was a consultation 
 held in the hospital, at which all the surgeons 
 in the garrison were present ; the lizard was 
 produced, and the man who had discharged 
 it was most minutely examined. 
 
 At this examination, he persisted in the 
 same tale, namely, that he had suffered from 
 a pain in his stomach for upwards of two 
 months; that at first the pain was slight, 
 though it had gradually, he might almost say 
 daily increased, until life itself became insup- 
 portable, insomuch, that when he drank the 
 aqua-dent6, he did it in the hope of getting 
 relief, or being killed. 
 
 To the inquiries of the surgeons as to how 
 the lizard got into his stomach, he could give 
 no information whatever.
 
 NED CLINTON. 203 
 
 The surgeons having thoroughly ques- 
 tioned the man, and satisfied themselves from 
 those who witnessed the transaction, that he 
 had really vomited the animal before them, 
 afterwards had much able discussion on the 
 case, though their learned arguments (as is 
 usually the case) tended to no result. One 
 of them gave it as his opinion that the man 
 had swallowed the animal in a draught of water, 
 when in a state of animalcule ; another said, 
 it must have crept down his throat when 
 asleep ; a third, that he had swallowed it in 
 his drink when it was a small lizard ; a fourth 
 surgeon was of a different opinion ; and a 
 fifth varied from them all; until at length 
 these gentlemen parted in high words upon 
 a subject on which they were all equally 
 ignorant. 
 
 This case was afterwards submitted for the 
 consideration of the higher doctors in the 
 British army ; but I could never learn of 
 their pronouncing an unanimous opinion 
 upon it.
 
 20i NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 An Adventure, and a Boar Hunt. 
 
 While I remained at Campo Mayor, a 
 hunting match was proposed by various of- 
 ficers of the garrisons of Elvas, Badajoz, and 
 this town, which was to take place in the 
 immense forest of Albuquerque, which extends 
 for a great distance along the Guadiana river, 
 and affords cover aud protection to numerous 
 herds of deer, wolves, boars, foxes, and other 
 wild animals. 
 
 The time and place was arranged, on a 
 previous day, for the officers from the several 
 stations to assemble in the forest, so that each 
 party might proceed by the nearest or most 
 convenient road to the appointed spot from 
 which the hunt was to commence.
 
 NED CLINTON. 205 
 
 Now the party from Campo Mayor hap- 
 pened to be the weakest in numbers of all the 
 three, as in consequence of a brig-ade field- 
 day taking- place, none of the reg-imental of- 
 ficers could attend, therefore a staff-surgeon 
 of the name of Brown, and his two servants, 
 together with a commissary's clerk, named 
 Jackson, and James Brady, who accompanied 
 me, constituted the whole party. 
 
 We started for the place of appointment 
 before day-light in the morning; each of us 
 mounted, and armed with a good fowling- 
 piece, the doctor's and mine being double- 
 barrelled ; besides which, Brady had a large 
 horse-pistol, while the commissary's clerk, the 
 doctor, Brady, and myself, had a sword each. 
 
 Having rode a brisk pace, and the distance 
 being within four leagues, it was still an early 
 hour when we reached the forest, into which 
 we had scarcely entered when we met a Por- 
 tuguese peasant, whom we stopped to ask a 
 question of, but he was in such a state of tre- 
 pidation as to be incapable of answering it 
 for some time. At length, when he had reco- 
 vered a little from his fears, he told us there
 
 206 NED CLINTON, 
 
 was a Spanish banditti then assembled in an 
 old ruined chapel, which stood near to where 
 we were. 
 
 Brady, who acted as our interpreter, ques- 
 tioned the man in a very minute manner, 
 and then, turning to the doctor and me, pro- 
 posed that we should surprise the banditti, 
 who, he said, the Portuguese had told him 
 were half drunk, and revelling over a rich 
 booty, which it was well known to him they 
 had made during the preceding night. Brady 
 therefore suggested that we should leave our 
 horses in the care of the Portuguese, then 
 load our pieces with ball, and follow behind 
 him at a certain distance, so as to keep him 
 in sight, and attend to any signals he might 
 make, without being near enough to be dis- 
 covered by the banditti. 
 
 This we all assented to, and immediately 
 dismounted, gave our horses to the care of 
 the Portuguese, loaded our fowling-pieces 
 with ball, and followed Brady, who had pre- 
 viously been directed by the Portuguese the 
 road which led to the chapel. 
 
 The foliage of the trees and underwood
 
 NED CLINTON. 207 
 
 being thick, we were enabled to keep pretty 
 close to him without much danger of disco- 
 very ; and when we got near to the chapel, 
 we observed him reconnoitre very sharply 
 about, till, having satisfied himself there was 
 no danger from without, he peeped into a 
 crevice of the door which stood partly open, 
 and then made the signal for us to advance in 
 a silent manner. 
 
 We obeyed the signal, and having got to 
 one side of the chapel door, Brady whispered 
 us that the banditti consisted of four, who 
 were seated upon the ground drinking, while 
 their arms were laying at a short distance 
 from them against a side wall of the chapel ; 
 and that with our sanction, he added, he 
 would rush into the chapel, and seize their 
 captain, whose back was towards the door, 
 provided we engaged to follow close after 
 him to secure the rest of the gang before they 
 got to their arms. 
 
 This being assented to, the valiant corporal 
 lost no time in fulfilling his promise, but 
 rushed hastily into the chapel, and seized the 
 leader of the banditti in so vigorous a manner.
 
 208 NED CLINTON. 
 
 that he could make no jesistance, while the 
 rest of us, who followed close after Brady, 
 effectually secured the other three thieves 
 before they could even rise from the ground,' 
 much less get possession of their fire-arms. 
 
 This exploit being- so happily performed, 
 we bound the arms of our prisoners tightly 
 behind them with some cords belonging to 
 themselves, which happened very opportunely 
 to be laying in the chapel with their saddles; 
 and Brady, who had an eye to business in this 
 adventure, now carefully searched the priso- 
 ners for booty ; nor was he unsuccessful in the 
 search, for he found about four hundred dol- 
 lars and two silver watches amongst them. 
 
 Here I should observe, that all the banditti, 
 but most especially the captain, were ex- 
 tremely anxious to obtain their freedom, and 
 made very liberal offers through our inter- 
 preter for it. In short, the captain swore he 
 would transmit two thousand dollars to what- 
 ever place and at whatever time we ap- 
 pointed, provided we let him free, while the 
 other men promised as much as five hundred 
 dollars each for their freedom. The corporal
 
 NED CLINTON. 209 
 
 would fain have had us comply with these 
 offers; but neither I nor Mr. Brown would 
 listen to any overtures of the kind, therefore 
 having secured our prisoner's fire-arms, we 
 sent one of the servants to bring the Por- 
 tuguese peasant and our horses, which, being 
 done, we detached the peasant away to pro- 
 cure an escort from the next village to take 
 charge of our prisoners, and we mounted 
 him upon one of the four horses we had 
 taken ; for I should observe, that while our 
 messenger was gone for the Portuguese, we 
 discovered the banditti's four horses staked 
 down to feed under some trees at the back of 
 the chapel. 
 
 During the time the peasant was away, 
 each individual of the banditti frequently 
 repeated his offer of a bribe to purchase his 
 liberty ; and they even augmented the amount 
 of their several offers. But, although I have 
 no doubt, from the sort of honour upon which 
 these characters plume themselves, that they 
 w^ould have fulfilled their promises most scru- 
 pulously, yet it was utterly impossible for men
 
 210 NED CLINTON. 
 
 in the siluatious of Mr. Brown or myself io 
 comply with such proposals, or in any man- 
 ner to sanction their escape. 
 
 I must own that I felt pain on this occasion, 
 and was truly sorry that I had ever consented 
 to the measures we had taken against these 
 unfortunate people; for the recollection of 
 the generous conduct of poor Read and the 
 banditti who captured me, came fresh upon 
 my mind, and served to impress upon it the 
 most unfavourable thoughts of my own beha- 
 viour. But my adventure with the former 
 banditti was a secret I dared not divulge, or 
 else I really think I should have urged it on 
 the present occasion as an excuse for pro- 
 posing to allow our prisoners to depart. 
 
 At length we were relieved from per- 
 forming the office of jailors by the arrival of 
 the Portuguese peasant, accompanied by a 
 party, consisting of a magistrate and eight 
 men, from the next village, to whose care we 
 gladly resigned our prisoners, whom we saw 
 marched off, bound as tliey were ; while to 
 the Portuguese peasant we presented the
 
 NED GLTKTO?^. 211 
 
 horse upon which he was mounted, which 
 made him depart with a heart filled with gra- 
 titude and happiness. 
 
 We now detached the commissary's clerk, 
 Mr. Jackson, and one of the surgeon's ser- 
 vants, home to Campo Mayor with the three 
 horses we had taken from the thieves, and 
 which it was agreed should be divided between 
 me, the surgeon, and the cJerk ; while Brady 
 was to retain the watches for himself, and 
 share the money with Mr. Brown's two 
 servants. 
 
 But before they set out, the doctor and I 
 tossed up for the choice of horses, and 1 won 
 the toss, therefore the best horse was ordered 
 to be left in my stable, and the second best in 
 Mr. Brown's, while my clerk had to content 
 himself with the worst animal. 
 
 These arrangements being made, and the 
 commissariat clerk having taken his depar- 
 ture with the horses, the remainder of us 
 proceeded on our journey farther into the 
 forest, in the hope of falling in with the 
 hunters, while engaged in their sport ; for it
 
 212 NED CLINTON. 
 
 was still early in the day, although too late 
 for our appointed rendezvous. 
 
 But after vainly riding about this immense 
 forest for upwards of two hours, we were on 
 the very point of returning home, and had 
 actually turned our horses heads for that pur- 
 pose, when we heard a distant shout, and al- 
 most directly afterwards the firing of several 
 muskets, towards which we directed our 
 course, and soon fell in with the hunters. 
 
 I had now an opportunity of gratifying my 
 curiosity by attending a boar hunt, and a 
 strange sight it is. But as many of my readers 
 may never see one, I will relate in what 
 manner it is conducted. 
 
 In the first place, the greater number of 
 people that attend the hunt the better, both 
 on horse and foot, but particularly the latter. 
 
 An open space of ground, boi'dering close 
 upon some thick part of the wood, should be 
 selected for hunting, then a great number of 
 men on foot sent into the wood, on both its 
 sides, or if the wood be too broad, they must 
 be sent into it at a given distance only,
 
 NEB CLINTON. 213 
 
 beyond each flank of the open space selected 
 for the hunt ; but they must enter to a consi- 
 siderable d^pth, and have instructions given 
 them to extend, until the leading man from 
 each flank approaches near to the other, 
 though not in a straight line, but as near as 
 possible in a semicircle, the centre men being 
 the farthest in the wood. 
 
 While this is being done, the hunters who 
 are mounted, as also the others who are to 
 fire at the game, place themselves in conveni- 
 ent situations on the open space of ground, 
 though chiefly towards its sides ; so that they 
 may be prepared to fire at the game as it 
 comes out of the wood, without levelling their 
 pieces in the direction of the party employed 
 in beating the forest. 
 
 These hunters, who are thus prepared for 
 slaughtering the game, wait in considerable 
 suspense for the signal from the other party, 
 which is not made until the centre men have 
 got to their respective places, when they 
 fire off their muskets, loaded with powder 
 only ; upon which, the whole of the men 
 who are to form the semicircle, begin shouting
 
 211 NED CLINTON. 
 
 loudly, firing muskets and pistols, loaded 
 with blank powder, and gradually advancing 
 towards the open space of ground, the men 
 upon the flanks of the circle merely making a 
 noise at first, until those in the centre come 
 up to them, and the wood is then finally 
 driven by the whole line marching out of it 
 together. 
 
 But no sooner is the signal made for the 
 sport, by the centre men firing their muskets, 
 than the hunters watch eagerly for their game ; 
 for though the animals may not come out im- 
 mediately, yet when they are thoroughly 
 disturbed by the shouting and firing within 
 the forest, as also by the advance of the men, 
 they are certain, except sometimes the wild 
 boar, of coming out on the quiet side or open 
 space, where the firing, even when it begins, 
 is not from the front. As to that obstinate 
 animal the boar, he occasionally runs direct 
 through the line of men that are employed 
 in shouting and firing. 
 
 All is alacrity and life when the game begins 
 to appear ; hares, foxes, and partridges ; 
 pigeons, jackdaws, and rabbits ; all are game
 
 NED CLINTON. 215 
 
 to the huntsman, who usually has several 
 good fowling pieces near to him, which he 
 hastily fires away at whatever he sees coming 
 from the forest. 
 
 But so great is the confusion of those 
 gentlemen who are not habituated to this 
 mode of shooting, that they generally miss 
 their mark ; even the stately deer passes by 
 them untouched ; while the wolf, fox, or 
 hare, is in no kind of danger from them. 
 
 And it even happens, occasionally, that the 
 tables are sadly turned, and the huntsman 
 gets much the worst of it; for the headstrong 
 boar frequently runs at his horse, and if the 
 animal is not quick in escaping^out of his way, 
 he rips up his belly, and leaves the poor beast 
 te expire on the plain ; while the sturdy savage 
 proceeds forward on his steady course, regard- 
 less of the mischief he has done, and neither 
 turning himself to the right or left. 
 
 I was extremely interested and pleased 
 with this hunt, for though, owing to tlie 
 adventure of the morning, we joined the 
 party at a late hour, yet we had the 
 good fortune to be present at almost all
 
 216 NED CLINTON. 
 
 the sport of (he day, there having been no 
 spot of the forest beaten before the one they 
 were employed in beating- upon our arrival ; 
 neither had there been much game killed. 
 
 The party was very successful in driving 
 game out of the forest, after we joined it ; 
 though far from being as successful in killing 
 the animals. The total number of beasts 
 slaughtered on this day were two wolv^es, one 
 deer, three foxes, and half a dozen hares; 
 while of birds, of one kind or other, there was 
 about two dozen bagged. 
 
 But many laughable circumstances occurred 
 during the sport, where, such was the confu- 
 sion of the parties, that we often fired single ball 
 at small birds, and small shot at large animals. 
 
 One laughable circumstance I particularly 
 recollect, which occurred to an officer of the 
 garrison of Badajoz, and to which I was a 
 close witniess. On this occasion, the men 
 employed to drive the animals out of the 
 forest had nearly terminated their labours; 
 that is, the greatest part of them had come out 
 of the wood, though a few still lingered in the 
 centre of their half circle.
 
 NED CLINTON. 217 
 
 Now, the officer to whom I allude, con- 
 ceiving the forest to be cleared in our front, 
 had mounted his horse, and was riding slowly 
 along by the wood side, with the evident in- 
 tention of crossing over to his friends on the 
 opposite side of the plain ; when, just as he 
 had got right opposite the centre of our front, 
 out dashed a large wild boar from the forest, 
 making in full speed towards his horse, which, 
 becoming alarmed, immediately ran off in his 
 swiftest gallop, taking the same direction as 
 the boar. 
 
 It was a ludicrous sight to see this race, 
 the officer having lost his hat at the first 
 starting of his horse, and none of us daring to 
 fire at the boar for fear of killing the other 
 racer. But, like many other excellent sights, 
 it was too good to last long ; for, after running 
 the distance of about one hundred yards, the 
 horse completely beat his antagonist, and 
 threw his rider into a quagmire, from which 
 we had some trouble to extricate him, covered 
 with dirt, and half dead with fright. 
 
 Yet the most provoking circumstance of 
 this race was, that both the horse and boar 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 NED CLIVTON. 
 
 got fairly away ; the latter never to be heard 
 of again, and the former not until two days 
 afterwards, when he was discovered several 
 miles off without either saddle or bridle. 
 
 Mr. Brown and I enjoyed this hunt to the 
 moment of its termination, when having par- 
 taken of some refreshments under a shady 
 tree, with the officers of the garrison of 
 Badajoz, we re-mounted our jaded horses, 
 and turned their heads towards Campo Mayor, 
 with regret that the sports of the day were 
 over. But on our way home we had the 
 curiosity to call at the village to whence the 
 Spanish banditti were to have been conveyed 
 in the morning and, to my great satisfaction, 
 I heard that every man of them had regained 
 his freedom. 
 
 According to the account given by the in- 
 habitants, they had been rescued by some of 
 their companions on the way to the village, 
 thougn I suspected they must have got away 
 by bribing the escort. 
 
 Some time after this, however, I ascertained 
 tiie real cause of their escape, which they owed 
 to no one except Brady, aided by their own
 
 NED CLINTON. 219 
 
 courage. The corporal had taken compassion 
 on their forlorn state, and slily given them back 
 their knives, which he had till then retained in 
 his possession, besides which he gave the cap- 
 tain an old pistol. These brave fellows, as we 
 since learnt, were scarcely out of our sight 
 before they contrived to cut the cords which 
 bound them, when, by brandishing their knives 
 and swearing a few oaths, they drove away the 
 cowardly escort of Portuguese, who fled as 
 fast as their legs could carry them. 
 
 l2
 
 220 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Ned Clinton visits his friend Glover at 
 Elvas. — Brady tnakes a Discovery.'-^ 
 The Lovers surprised, and its result. 
 
 Shortly after the adventures mentioned in 
 the last chapter, I procured leave of absence 
 for a couple of days, and taking Brady with 
 me, mounted as a groom upon the newly ac- 
 quired charger, rode to Elvas to pay my 
 friend Glover a visit. 
 
 I found him very comfortably situated in 
 an excellent billet, with every thing snug 
 around him, and he was extremely glad to see 
 me ; but amidst his other comforts he had pro- 
 vided himself with an article of furniture 
 which is always superfluous in a military life, 
 and generally the forerunner of a thousand 
 plagues, — in short, he had a mistress.
 
 KED CLINTON. 221 
 
 He insisted upon accommodating me and 
 my servant with beds in his house ; and as I 
 was not entitled to a billet, 1 availed myself of 
 the invitation. 
 
 My friend's chere amie was a French gi»l, 
 apparently about twenty years of age, tole- 
 rably pretty, with good white teeth and large 
 black eyes ; a perfect brunette, small in person, 
 but of a good figure, and extremely impudent. 
 
 I saw at once that she possessed great in- 
 fluence over my poor friend, who, in fact, she 
 seemed to guide as she pleased ; and after we 
 had partaken of refreshments, T had an oppor- 
 tunity of seeing her exhibit herself publicly 
 to the whole town; for having accepted of a 
 proposal made by Glover to join him in a 
 ride before dinner, she accompanied us, riding 
 astride like a man, through the market-place 
 and all the largest streets of Elvas, galloping 
 and capering her horse about like a mad per- 
 son the whole time of our ride, during w*hich 
 I discovered several oificers of the garrison 
 making signs to her, and once detected her in 
 the act of kissing her hand to one of these 
 gentlemen.
 
 222 NED CLINTON. 
 
 At dinner she gave herself a thousand fri- 
 volous and affected airs ; the partridges that 
 my friend treated me to were pronounced 
 execrable by lier, for no other reason that I 
 could discover but because they were sweet, 
 which is contrary to the French mode of 
 cookery ; the roast beef was found to be a 
 villainous dish, fit only, according to her ex- 
 pressiou, pour lesb^tes, and the part to which 
 she had been helped was accordingly thrown 
 with disdain, to the dog. Nothing was ac- 
 knowledged by her to be good, except a bit 
 of rotten cheese, which, by the by, was full of 
 mites, and therisfore having something of the 
 French goiitf was called un bon tnorceau, 
 while the good Oporto wine was styled, le 
 plus detestable vin depays. 
 
 But what gave me most concern was to see 
 that my friend had lost much of his accustomed 
 gaiety, though I affected not to notice it, and 
 took a favorable opportunity of asking him, 
 in a jocose way, how and where he had picked 
 up his pretty companion? In reply to which 
 he informed me, that she had come into the 
 Peninsula with an officer of tlie French army.
 
 NED CLINTON. 223 
 
 to whom she was married, and who was un- 
 fortunately killed shortly afterwards in an 
 action with the Spaniards; that it had been 
 his own luck to meet with her about a month 
 since at Badajoz, to which town she had pro- 
 ceeded in the hope of obtaining sufficient as- 
 sistance to carry her home to the centre of 
 France, from a Spanish gentlemen who resi- 
 ded at Badajoz, and had been the intimate 
 friend of her husband; but that in consequence 
 of the said gentleman being away from his 
 home at the time of her visit, he (GloverJ 
 found her in great distress, insomuch that 
 she was induced to accept of his protection. 
 At the same time he acknowledged to me, 
 that the expense of supportingher was beyond 
 his means, and that he had already not only 
 expended what he had been master of, but was 
 at least fifty dollars in debt, while matters w^ere 
 every day growing worse. " And yet," con- 
 tinued he, '•' though I plainly perceive that she 
 is an extravagant woman, I am certain she 
 is warmly attached to me ; and such is my 
 infatuation, that I cannot separate myself from
 
 224 NED CLINTON. 
 
 her, even though I find my sure ruin must 
 follow our continuing together." 
 
 I said little in reply to this communication, 
 because I was desirous of making enquiries 
 elsewhere, in the hope of adding strength to 
 my arguments before I interested myself with 
 my friend in this delicate affair ; and the little 
 I said was concluded by my observing, with a 
 smile, that he had brought his numerous in- 
 trigues to a pretty termination. 
 
 Nothing more passed between us upon this 
 subject during the remainder of the day, al- 
 though the lady continued giving herself nu- 
 merous airs to the time of my retiringto repose. 
 
 On the following morning, Brady came into 
 my room at an earlier hour than usual, when 
 he said he had something particular to commu- 
 nicate, of a most private nature, relative to 
 Mr. Glover, who, added the corporal, is sadly 
 abused. 
 
 *' What," exclaimed I, starting up in my 
 bed, " have you to say concerning Mr. Glover? 
 I desire you to tell it immediately." 
 
 *« I have come here for that purpose,"
 
 NED CLINTON. 226 
 
 replied Brady, very coolly, " therefore have 
 a little patience, sir, and you shall hear me. 
 But I am sorry," added the corporal, " that 
 what I have to tell concerns your friend, 
 for he's a good-hearted fine spirited young 
 fellow, and deserves to be better treated — but 
 where a brimstone of a prostitute is con- 
 cerned, who the devil can expect any good ? 
 However, to keep to my story," continued 
 Brady, " you must know, sir, that I have been 
 up drinking with Joze the greater part of the 
 night, and that this Portuguese rogue has com- 
 pletely verified the old proverb, which says, 
 * when the wine's in, the wit's out;' in fact, 
 he has told me strange things, and I will repeat 
 them to you : — 
 
 *' In the first place you must know, sir, that 
 Madame Rosa, according to Joze's account, 
 is an egregrious impostor. She has imposed 
 herself upon Mr. Glover as the widow of a 
 French officer, who was killed a few months 
 ago, while Joze recollects her as the mistress 
 of a Portuguese ensign more than two years 
 before that time, since which he has often seen 
 her at a brothel in Lisbon, where she resided 
 
 L 3
 
 226 NED CLINTON. 
 
 for some months, until forced to quit that 
 house of infamy for an hospital. 
 
 But what makes this unfortunate connex- 
 ion still worse for the honor of Mr. Glover is, 
 that she continues to intrigue, and visits some 
 officer or another of the garrison almost every 
 day; and yet, not content with this degrada- 
 tion, she is even upon the best terms with that 
 vile wretch, Joze. In fact, from what the 
 fellow has told me, I make no question but he 
 is her real favorite, and that she intrigues with 
 others to make a purse, which she Intends to 
 share with him. 
 
 " This vile woman has also been pretty 
 successful; for what with cheating your friend 
 by every possible contrivance, and the profits 
 from her numerous assignations, she has, by 
 this fellow's account, already lined her purse 
 with cash to the value of upwards of a hun- 
 dred pounds ; and, as he acts in collusion with 
 her, and robs Mr, Glover through thick and 
 thin, by overcharging for whatever he pur- 
 chases, and making away with all that can be 
 sold, his purse is tolerably well lined also. 
 But,*' concluded Brady, '* I trust your
 
 NED CLINTON. 227 
 
 honor won't suffer these rascally doings to 
 Continue.'' 
 
 I listened with the utmost astonishment to 
 Brady's narrative, when, having reelected for 
 some little time, 1 asked him whether he thought 
 we could contrive it so that Mr. Glover should 
 surprise Joze and Madame Rosa in their 
 guilt? " That might easily be done," replied 
 Brady, *'for Joze had told him they always 
 slept together when his master was away from 
 home ; therefore, sir," added the corporal, 
 *' Mr. Glover need only pretend he is going 
 to Campo Mayor with you this evening, and 
 both of you ride away together, and when 
 clear out of the town, put your horses up at 
 a public-house on the road, after which re- 
 turn by another way to the shed at the back of 
 the stabie, so as to arrive soon after dusk, when 
 I will contrive to let you both in, and to con- 
 vey you into the loft over it, which communi- 
 cates with the house, wherein Mr.Gloverwill 
 best know where to hide ; and as soon as you 
 are safely housed I will take my departure, 
 and convey my horse to the public-house 
 where your*swill be, and then return on foot
 
 228 NED CLINTON. 
 
 and hide myself in the shed behind the stable 
 till such time as you call for me, after com- 
 pleting the discovery. 
 
 " It may, to be sure,'' continued Brady, 
 *' look rather shabby in me to betray Joze ; 
 but, damn the fellow, his villainy is so black 
 that he deserves no favor; besides, I never 
 asked him to tell me his secrets, nor do I be- 
 lieve he knows he has done so, he was so 
 gloriously drunk; and, curse him," added he, 
 " to put horns upon a good master, and join 
 in the she-belzebub's plans to ruin him, is too 
 much — the dog must be punished ! How- 
 ever," concluded Brady, " I have told you 
 the whole tale, and moreover offered you my 
 advice; therefore 'tis best now for me to be 
 off" to the stable, ere Joze recovers from the 
 dose of last night, as, mayhap, he might 
 become suspicious on finding us closeted 
 together." 
 
 Brady now left the room, and I got up and 
 dressed myself as expeditiously as I could. 
 But though I was anxious to communicate 
 Brady's information to my friend, no oppor- 
 tunity offered until breakfast was over, at
 
 NED CLINTON. 229 
 
 which Madame Rosa presided, exhibiting all 
 the affected airs of a finished coquette. Yet 
 no sooner had we taken breakfast, than I 
 proposed Glover should show me the citadel 
 and fortifications of Elvas, and we shortly 
 afterwards walked out. 
 
 I had now ample leisure to tell Glover 
 every particular that Brady had communi- 
 cated ; though, so great was his astonishment, 
 that for some time he could scarcely compre- 
 hend me ; nor was he at first inclined to 
 credit the story, until upon reflection, a great 
 number of suspicious circumstances in the 
 conduct of his frail one came crowding into 
 his mind, which, but for this information, he 
 would have disregarded. In short, we soon 
 came to a proper understanding, and arranged 
 what measures were to be taken to surprise 
 Madame Rosa and Monsieur Joze. 
 
 Every thing was done on this occasion con- 
 formable to Brady's suggestions, though I 
 must not forget to mention that the fair lady 
 affected great concern at learning Glover's 
 intention of quitting her for a single night, 
 and made him positively promise, he would
 
 230 NED CLINTON. 
 
 stay no longer away. As to Joze, he had been 
 so completely inebriated by Brady on the pre- 
 ceding day, that he did not make his appear- 
 ance until dinner time. 
 
 But this was rather a favourable circum- 
 stance, as it alForded a good excuse for the 
 corporal's remaining behind us. 
 
 The fair one acted her part to admiration, 
 seeming very loth to let Glover depart, 
 although at the time fixed upon we punc- 
 tually set off, in spite of all her affected love 
 and sorrow. 
 
 We rode out of the town, put up our horses 
 at a public house, returned on foot to the shed 
 behind the stable, and were duly let in by 
 my faithful servant, all exactly as had been 
 arranged- 
 
 After this, he made a signal to let us know 
 when Joze and the fair lady were both below 
 stairs, upon which Glover lost no time in con- 
 ducting me through a passage into his bed- 
 chamber, where he immediately unlocked the 
 door of a large closet, of which he had pur- 
 posely taken the key away, and into this
 
 NED CLINTON. 231 
 
 closet we both got, taking care to lock the 
 door withinside. 
 
 We were now placed in a snug situation 
 for discovering, without any risk to ourselves, 
 such amours as might take place in the cham- 
 ber ; for the crevices in the closet door were 
 sufficiently large to permit of our seeing 
 what happened in the room, while it was im- 
 possible for those in the chamber to discover 
 any thing in the dark closet. 
 
 In this state of suspense we remained in the 
 dark for about two hours, when Madame 
 Rosa cheered us by making her appearance 
 with a lighted candle, and after performing 
 all the custorriary ceremonies used by ladies 
 in retiring to repose, we had the satisfaction of 
 seeing her step into bed, after having placed 
 the candle in a safe situation on the hearth. 
 
 Here Glover began to think he had been 
 abused, and that his charmer was as virtuous 
 as pretty. But he was destinied to be speedily 
 undeceived, for Joze, the gallant Joze, soon 
 afterwards stole softly into the room, and 
 having cautiously locked the door, and closely 
 embraced Madame Rosa, who returned it with
 
 232 NED CLINTON. 
 
 mutual ardour; heslipt off his clothes, and 
 jumped into the fair arms that were extended 
 to encircle him. 
 
 Here I shall draw <he curtain on them, my 
 friend having seen enough to satisfy him and 
 justify his bursting open the closet door, 
 when with my assistance, aided by that of 
 Brady and his own batman, who, on hearing 
 the noise we made, forced their way through 
 the chamber door, he succeeded in carrying 
 Monsieur .Toze and Madame Rosa, in spite of 
 their struggles and shrieks, and affected hyste- 
 rics, into the back yard, where we tried an 
 experiment to cool their ardent love, by 
 giving them both a thorough ducking in the 
 stinking horse-pond. 
 
 Here we intended the punishment to end ; 
 but a mob of soldiers, who had been attracted 
 by the noise occasioned through our experi- 
 ment, after informing themselves of the crimes 
 of the culprits, determined to try upon them 
 an experiment of theirs also, and actually 
 put it in execution upon Monsieur Joze, by 
 tossing him in a blanket, until he had afforded 
 them abundance of amusement by his strange-
 
 NED CLINTON. 2S3 
 
 exclamations, and the numerous capers he 
 cut, ail which had a pretty effect by moon- 
 light; nor did they cease until he became so 
 exhausted, as to be no longer in a condition 
 to amuse them. In fact, it was doubtful for 
 some time afterwards whether he had not 
 received one toss too many. Madame Rosa 
 was somewhat more fortunate, for I slily gave 
 a soldier's wife a dollar to convey her away? 
 and put her to bed. 
 
 I remained with my friend Glover all the 
 following day, and lent him one hundred 
 dollars, to retrieve his affairs; by the aid of 
 which, I had the pleasure of seeing my friend 
 extricated from his embarassments, and, before 
 I left Elvas, he sent every article belonging 
 to Joze and his prostitute to the houses where 
 those worthless people were living.
 
 234 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 CliiUon arrives at Almeida. — /.9 benighted. — 
 An odd Adventure in a Catholic Chapel. 
 
 He who is attached to an army upon service, 
 must not expect long repose. 
 
 One night when I was undressing for bed, 
 the brigade orderly book was brought me, on 
 perusing which, I found the brigade was to 
 march on the following day. 
 
 For the moment, I felt some regret at the 
 idea of quitting Campo Mayor, having passed 
 a quiet time and experienced much pleasure 
 in it ; but the bustle of a military life tends 
 to deaden reflection, and when tlie time 
 of departure arrived, I quitted it without 
 reluctance. 
 
 The brigade marched by detachments, and 
 by different routes, according as the villages
 
 NED CLINTON. 236 
 
 and towns it had to pass could afford accom- 
 modation ; and it was indispensibly necessary 
 that every man should have a billet, the 
 weather being cold and wet, and the season 
 that of Christmas. 
 
 After a fatiguing march, we arrived at Al- 
 meida, which was the place of our destination. 
 But I soon found that the end of the march 
 was the beginning of my labours, for although 
 Almeida was the head-quarters of the brigade, 
 yet the regiments comprising it were so 
 scattered, that my duties became ten times 
 greater than they had hitherto been. 
 
 I now had full occupation for both my 
 chargers, usually being on horseback the 
 greater portion of each day, employed in pro- 
 viding for and conveying rations to the 
 various stations, But activity best agrees 
 with man. We had scarcely a sick person 
 amongst us, whilst at Campo Mayor, in the 
 midst of ease and luxury, the hospitals were 
 crowded. 
 
 I was now again in the neighbourhood of my 
 companions of the Hercules; yet however 
 pleasant this was in other respects, it often
 
 236 NED CLINTON. 
 
 deprived me of Brady's services, who was too 
 frequently on visits to his old patrons. On 
 one of these occasions I happened to be de- 
 tained in the evening at a village, and on my 
 way home in the dark lost my road. In this 
 unpleasant situation I continued riding about 
 for several hours, until my attention was at- 
 tracted by the sound of a church bell, very 
 near to me, ringing for midnight prayers, and 
 which continued its noise, sufficiently long to 
 guide me to the small church, or rather chapel, 
 from whence it Issued. 
 
 Not perceiving any house near to this place 
 of worship, I dismounted, and tied my horse 
 to a gate, with the intention of entering the 
 chapel, and getting tlie bell-ringer to direct 
 me to some village or house where I could 
 remain till day-light; but, when in the very 
 act of entering the chapel door, I was greatly 
 astonished at the sound of a remarkable shrill 
 voice, coming as it were from the roof of the 
 building, and crying out in plain English, 
 " For the love of God, take me down ! I shall 
 be killed if you don't take me down ! I am 
 almost at the top of the church I Oh, take me
 
 NED CLINTON. 237 
 
 down I" While this strange appeal was making 
 from above, I could also hear much half smo- 
 thered laughter in a corner not far remote 
 from me ; but not knowing what to do or say, I 
 kept myself silent, and removed my station 
 just outside of the door, so that I might avoid 
 detection if any of the party came suddenly 
 from the chapel. During the whole of this 
 time, the same words continued to be voci- 
 ferated, though the sound no longer came 
 from above, but seemed to proceed from a 
 voice upon a level with the floor, which made 
 the cry, '^ 1 am almost at the top of the 
 church; oh, take me down!" sound so truly 
 ridiculous, that it was barely possible to re- 
 frain from bursting into loud laughter. 
 
 The cries of this sufferer gradually became 
 fainter, till at length after making a strong 
 appeal to heaven to have mercy on his sins, 
 there was heard a noise upon the stone floor, 
 like that of a person with iron shod boots 
 having jumped or fallen from a small height 
 upon the pavement; and, presently afterwards, 
 an officer in the British uniform came out of 
 the chapel, puffing and blowing, as if in great
 
 238 NED CLINTON. 
 
 trepidation, and passed near where I was 
 without observing- me ; then taking a contrary 
 direction to where my horse was tied, did not 
 discover it. 
 
 Shortly afterwards, a party of five men 
 made their appearance from the chapel, who 
 .were too busily employed in talking and 
 laughing to discover me, though to my sur- 
 prise I immediately recognised the voices of 
 Corporal Brady and Lieut. Wright amongst 
 them. It was now my turn to occasion sur- 
 prise, wiiich I did to a considerable degree, on 
 discovering myself to this party, which con- 
 sisted of Lieutenants Cope and Wright, En- 
 sign O' Flaherty, James Brady, and another 
 servant. 
 
 On our way to the village, my friend Wright 
 informed me of the particulars of the adven- 
 ture they had just achieved, by which it ap- 
 peared that the chapel I had visited stood on the 
 road side, about a quarter of a mile from Lieut. 
 Cope's billet, which was about a mile from 
 the village, and at which Mr. Wright messed. 
 
 Now Wright, to use his own language, feel- 
 ing conscious of his own negligence respecting
 
 NED CLINTON. 239 
 
 the performance of relig-ious duties, conceived 
 it would be making some atonement if he set 
 other people to pray, and having- this design 
 in view, he had made it a point every night, 
 on his way home from Mr. Cope's, which 
 usually was about midnight, to exercise him- 
 self for ten or fifteen minutes by ringing the 
 bell of this chapel, the door of which he had 
 broken open for this pious purpose. 
 
 He said he had fallen into this practice, be- 
 cause many Roman Catholics had assured him 
 (while Brady, who was brought up to that 
 persuasion, was ready to take his oath to the 
 custom) that whenever strict Catholics hear 
 the church bell at midnight sounding for 
 prayers, they lose no time in falling upon 
 their knees, in which holy posture they re- 
 main, until a certain number of beads are 
 told by them, and a certain portion of prayers 
 are repeated. 
 
 Thus, by this happy device, my worthy 
 friend Wright, though no saint himself, pro- 
 bably caused more prayers to be said within 
 the given time, than one half of the crowd of 
 saints enumerated in the Portuguese calendar.
 
 240 NED CLINTON. 
 
 But it SO happened, that Ensign Thick, a 
 young officer lately arrived from England, 
 either actuated by jealousy, or else conceiving 
 it to be a good frolic, begged to accompany 
 Mr. Wright in his next visit to the chapel, 
 that he might take a spell at ringing the good 
 people to prayers. 
 
 This request was readily acceded to ; for 
 Wright, who loved a joke, no matter whether 
 at the expence of an ensign or a saint, imme- 
 diately proposed some fun to himself on this 
 occasion. 
 
 Accordingly, this being the night for the 
 frolic, Brady and the other servant were sent 
 in advance to the chapel, with instructions to 
 hide themselves in the belfry, and at a given 
 signal, when the ensign had hold of the bell- 
 rope, to run him up in the aisle of the chapel 
 to the distance of ten or twelve feet, but on 
 the light being blown out, which was to hap- 
 pen at the moment after his elevation, they 
 were to lower him down, though in a gentle 
 and imperceptible manner, until his feet would 
 reach within a foot or two of the pavement.
 
 NED CLINTON. 241 
 
 when they were to fasten the rope above, and 
 remain silent till they were called for. 
 
 All this took place precisely as it was in- 
 tended, whilst [ chanced to reach the chapel 
 door just after the candle had been put out, 
 and the three officers had hid themselves in a 
 corner, where, although 1 overheard some por- 
 tion of their nearly smothered laughter, there 
 could be no probability of ^Ir. Thick hearing 
 them, suspended as he was, and bawling aloud 
 for assistance. 
 
 To this gentleman, if he could reflect at all, 
 it must have appeared that the candle went 
 out accidentally, or else that the lantern had 
 been taken away by his companions, who of 
 course he would suppose to be gone home. 
 
 As to the accident of his being suspended 
 in the air, he could only suppose it to have 
 arisen from the rope catching either upon a 
 nail or something else above, while Brady so 
 settled things in the belfry, that the very act 
 of his examining that place next day would 
 have satisfied him it must have proceeded 
 from some such cause. 
 
 VOL. L M
 
 2i2 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 A novel Invention. — An Escape of two 
 Spaniards. — Brady's Stratagem to save 
 them. 
 
 The French army were now collecting very 
 fast in our front, and in many places their 
 picquets were almost close to our's, whilst in 
 other quarters we were divided by the small 
 but rapid river, Agueda. 
 
 One day when I was riding to one of our 
 frontier villages, situated near the banks of 
 the river in question, accompanied by Brady, 
 I came to an angle of the road which turns 
 close to the Agueda, over which at that spot 
 there is an odd sort of invention for passing 
 the river by one or two persons at a time. A 
 strong rope is passed across it, the ends of 
 which are fastened to two stakes driven into
 
 NED CLINTON. 243 
 
 the banks at a sufficient height to keep the 
 rope suspended a few feet above the water; 
 on this cord a wicker basket, large enough, 
 to admit of two persons, is siung by two 
 strong handles, which the cord passes through, 
 thus the persons desirous of crossing the river 
 have onlj^ to get into the basket, and then 
 pull the rope, in a gradual way, until they 
 are safely lodged, in the basket, on the oppo- 
 site side of the river. 
 
 As we approached towards this place, we 
 were surprised by hearing people shout, 
 and shortly afterwards several muskets were 
 fired, on which we quickened our pace, and 
 soon discovered the cause of this disturbance. 
 A couple of Spanish prisoners had made 
 their escape from the French garrison at Saint 
 Felices, a town two leagues distant ; but these 
 poor fellows finding the bridges on the Spanish 
 side of the Agueda were guarded by the 
 French, and that the river was too much 
 swollen to admit of its being forded, whilst 
 it was too full of rocks and too rapid to be 
 swam over, had been obliged to hide them- 
 selves in the woods. In the mean time, the 
 
 M 2
 
 244 NED CLINTON. 
 
 French garrison were upon the alert after them, 
 and had detached so many parties to scour the 
 country, in the direction of the Agueda, that 
 there remained no hope for them of conti- 
 nuing long undiscovered in the wood, which 
 several parties of French soldiers were beating 
 within their hearing. 
 
 In this desperate -situation, for they were 
 sensible they must suffer an ignominious death 
 if taken by the French, they came to the reso- 
 lution of making a bold push for the Agueda, 
 which luckily was not more than three or 
 four hundred yards from the edge of the wood 
 where they were hid. They had been informed 
 of the singular contrivance for passing the 
 river, and having succeeded in stealing to the 
 edge of the wood, they suddenly ran from it 
 with their utmost speed towards the passage ; 
 but here they were exposed to great danger, 
 not less than twenty shots being fired at them 
 from the French picquet stationed at the top 
 of the hill opposite to us. Fortunately none 
 of these shots took effect, and the poor Spa- 
 niards came running down the rocky precipice, 
 from the top of the hill where the French
 
 NED CLINTON. 245 
 
 picquet was stationed, at the imminent risk 
 of being dashed to pieces, besides being 
 exposed to the fire of the French picquet, and 
 still greater danger from the massy stones 
 rolled after them by these savage foes. 
 
 But Providence favored them, and they 
 reached the side of the river in safety, close to 
 where the rope passed, when, to their great 
 dismay, they discovered the basket was not 
 on their side. 
 
 We saw the distress of these poor wretches, 
 who sat crouched under a projecting rock, 
 which sheltered them from their rancorous 
 foes. Yet what were we to do ? — We were 
 upon the top of one hill, and the French 
 picquet on the^top of the opposite one, while 
 their intended victims were upon their side of 
 the river. We saw no means of saving them, 
 for if they remained there till night, all would 
 be over ; the French would descend the hill 
 in the dark, and kill or take them. 
 
 Yet we soon found that their blood-thirsty 
 foes grudged them even this short reprieve, for a 
 party of four French soldiers were discovered 
 by us, creeping along under the rocks, with the
 
 246 NED CLINTON. 
 
 design of getting into a situation from which 
 they might shoot the poor fellows ; but tiieir 
 errand was soon spoilt, for the officer com- 
 manding our picquet immediately detached 
 a few skilful riflemen to a place opposite to 
 this party, when, after exchanging a few shots 
 with them, three of the Frenchmen were glad 
 to escape back, leaving their comrade dead 
 behind them. But this was merely averting 
 the blow ; our object was to save the lives of 
 the tw^o Spaniards, and no person could dis- 
 cover how that object could be achieved. 
 
 At last Corporal Brady, who was never at 
 a loss for a stratagem, and whose courage was 
 always found equal to the occasion, undertook 
 to extricate them from their perilous situation. 
 
 He collected a number of the skins of sheep 
 and bullocks, which happened to be left near 
 the picquet-house, and nailed them to the top 
 of an old wine cask, in such a manner that 
 they hung down for about the distance of four 
 feet towards the ground the whole way round 
 it w henever the top of the barrel was elevated 
 upon any thing high enough to allow of their 
 doing so.
 
 NED CLINTON. 247 
 
 Having completed so much of his task, he 
 next procured a hoop, somewhat less in circle 
 than the top of the cask; this hoop he passed 
 the skins through which hung down from the 
 cask top, drawing the hoop upwards till with- 
 in two or three inches of the barrel top 5 having 
 done this, he fastened the hoop to the skins, 
 so that it could not slip down, and then cut 
 various holes, each about two inches square, 
 right through the whole of the skins between 
 the hoop and the barrel top ; he also slit the 
 skins through on each side from the hoop to 
 the bottom, but not exactly in a line with each 
 other, yet so that a rope could pass through 
 them without leaving any opening. 
 
 Thus, having completed his armour, he got 
 under it to try how it would answer ; and 
 when he stood up with the barrel top on his 
 head, and the skins over it, and hanging four 
 feet towards the ground (besides the odd ap- 
 pearance of the little windows, between the 
 hoop and the barrel top, but so slanting in- 
 wards that no shot from above could touch 
 them), we all at once saw that the invention
 
 248 NED CLINTON. 
 
 would answer, and were lost in admiration of 
 the old soldier's acuteness, 
 
 But Brady, who cared nothing about ad- 
 miration, was for finishing the adventure off- 
 hand ; accordingly, after taking a glass of 
 cordial from the picquet officer's bottle, 
 away he went, carrying his armour upon his 
 back, till having descended some distance 
 down the hill, and apprehending the French 
 would soon fire upon him, he put it on, or, 
 more properly speaking, he got under it. 
 
 Meantime, tlie lieutenant of our picquet 
 stationed all his prime shots behind the rocks, 
 opposite to Brady's place of passage, and the 
 French picquet shortly opened its fire upon 
 Brady's armour, with much the same effect 
 as if firing at a wall, while the brave fellow 
 proceeded slowly but steadily down the hill, 
 regardless of the bullets which were hitting 
 his hides, and flying thick about him. 
 
 He reached the wicker basket in safety, and 
 passed lowly over the river in it, amidst 
 showers of balls ; then making signs to the 
 Spaniards to remain quiet, he deliberately
 
 NED CLINTON. 249 
 
 got out of the basket, walked to where they 
 were, took one of them under his armour, 
 and returned to the basket, in which he seated 
 his guest on one side of the rope, and himself 
 on the other. Thus he returned in triumph, 
 placed the grateful Spaniard in safety behind 
 some rocks, and went back for his companion, 
 Again he passed the river amidst showers of 
 bullets, and again he returned in triumph; 
 but his escape on this last occasion was a 
 narrow one, for at the moment he reached the 
 Portuguese shore, a bullet cut the passage 
 cord asunder. 
 
 The Spaniards remained under the cover of 
 the rocks until dusk, when they ascended the 
 hiJI, grateful and happy. As to Brady, he 
 rode away with me soon after effecting this 
 exploit, pleased at what he had done, though 
 considering it no more than an ordinary 
 occurrence. 
 
 Under the Roman government of ancient 
 days, the brave fellow for this exploit might 
 have claimed two civic crowns, for he saved 
 the lives of two citizens; while under a 
 
 M 3
 
 250 NED CLINTON. 
 
 military government of the present time;!, 
 he would be entitled to wear a cross, or order 
 of some sort, as a reward for his distinguished 
 courage ; but with us he is entitled to no extra 
 reward.
 
 NED CLINTON. 251 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Influence of a Padre, — Disputes with an 
 Officer. —His Treachery, 
 
 In those kingdoms where priestcraft holds su- 
 premacy, the minds of the people are debased 
 in proportion to that influence exercised over 
 them ; for time and experience, those infallible 
 lanterns of truth, have always shown, that 
 where the church reigns in full plenitude of 
 power, the people are poor, ignorant, and mi- 
 serable, often degraded to a state of bodily 
 slavery, and never possessing freedom of 
 soul. And the enlightened patriot has justly 
 acknowledged that a tolerating kingdom is 
 amply repaid, while a religious government 
 is ever cursed with poverty and persecution. 
 When serving in the Spanish peninsula, T had 
 many opportunities of witnessing the truth of
 
 252 NED CLINTON. 
 
 Ihese remarks, but one was so glaringly stri- 
 king that T shall relate it. 
 
 Being detained once by the commissariat bu- 
 siness for several hours at Barbar-del-Puerco, 
 
 I was invited by Sir Sidney B , a man 
 
 of the greatest urbanity of manners, long 
 known as the distinguished chief of our rifle 
 soldiers, and who commanded the troops at this 
 place, to partake of his dinner, at which there 
 VA'ere present, besides several officers of his 
 corps, a priest of that neighbourhood, and a 
 Spanish captain, who, contrary to the custom 
 of that nation, had risen from being a common 
 soldier, and owed his elevation solely to his 
 courage and military talents. 
 
 The conversation after dinner turned upon 
 the state of Spain, when the captain, zealous 
 for the honour of his native country, and per- 
 haps a little elevated with w^ine, observed that 
 the Spanish population laboured under seve- 
 ral severe grievances, of a nature to smother 
 all energy of character. " For instance," 
 continued he, *' even in the midst of this ar- 
 duous war, there is no adequate reward or 
 encouragement held out to stimulate the sol- 
 
 «■>
 
 NED CLINTON. 253 
 
 dier to deeds of glory, and though I am a 
 solitary instance to the contrary, he knows 
 that he never can rise in his profession, unless 
 he is born of a noble family. Thus, the proper 
 nature of nobility is forgotten, while birth, 
 which is accidental, yet never to be altered, 
 has honors and rewards thrust upon it ; but 
 distinguished deeds — deeds of virtue and of 
 glory; the essence of true grandeur, and the 
 best foundation for nobility, go unrequited 
 and neglected. And, alas!" added the cap- 
 tain, after a short pause, " bad as it is, this evil 
 is not the greatest we suffer under. Our degra- 
 dation chiefly arises from the influence of the 
 church." 
 
 ''What!" exclaimed the padre, interrupt- 
 ing him, his eyes flashing, and his lips 
 quivering with rage as he spoke, *' does a 
 wretch like you presume to attribute the de- 
 gradation of the state to the influence posses- 
 sed by the holy church? Her power must be 
 sunk indeed; it must be at the lowest ebb, if 
 this language is to be used with impunity in 
 the presence of one of her ministers. And 
 who dares make use of it? — An ungrateful
 
 254 NED CLINTON.: 
 
 wretch! one for whose advancement the wise 
 custom of ages has been reversed. This is 
 the fruit of relaxation in the hig-her orders; 
 this comes of admitting the rabble into office ; 
 but learn, sir, it shall be tolerated no longer ; 
 we know you now, and if the holy church 
 possesses power, prepare yourself to feel it." 
 
 The captain was a brave man, of distin- 
 guished courage, but he shuddered at the 
 language of the priest, which speedily drove 
 away his national enthusiasm, and doubtless 
 filled his mind with dread of the Inquisition 
 and the holy Roman church. 
 
 He made the best apology he was able to 
 make to the padre, who received it unwillingly 
 and in a supercilious manner ; but we all in- 
 terested ourselves for the captain, in conse- 
 quence of which the priest promised us the 
 matter should end here, and that he would 
 make no representation of it to a higher 
 quarter. 
 
 That very evening the priest disappeared, 
 and in the dead of the night, the French from 
 an adjacent garrison, made an attempt to sur- 
 prise the British troops at Barbar-del-Puerco.
 
 KED CLINTON. 255 
 
 They were repulsed with loss and disgrace ; 
 yet a few brave Ehglishmen were killed, and 
 among'st them was poor Mercer, one of the 
 lieutenants who had dined with us. 
 
 It was afterwards ascertained, from un- 
 doubted authority, that this rascally padre was 
 in the French interest, and after partaking of 
 the English hospitality, he had immediately 
 gone over to the French garrison with trie 
 information that caused the attack to be made 
 on the British troops.
 
 256 NED CLINTOX. 
 
 CHAP XXVI. 
 
 A Mistake made hy Brady. — The Moors 
 and Portuguese coiitrasted. — Clinton 
 proceeds to Lisbon. 
 
 As the spring advanced, the French army 
 increased fast in numbers, and occasional 
 skirmishes took place between tlie out-posts. 
 But I was not destined to witness the ap- 
 proaching campaign, as about this time I re- 
 ceived orders to proceed to Lisbon, as an evi- 
 dence upon the trial of a commissary-general, 
 who was to be brought before a general court- 
 martial on several charges of peculation. 
 
 I was consequently relieved in my duties 
 with the brigade to which I had been attached 
 ever since I went to Campo Mayor, and was 
 appointed a commissary. 
 
 Brady, though no longer an effective sol-
 
 KED CLINTON. 257 
 
 dier, appeared extremely mortified at quitting 
 the frontier without first having a brush with 
 the enemy, frequently exclaiming, that, by 
 Jasus I it was very provoking to march away 
 before he saw a few Frenchmen's wigs on the 
 green ! 
 
 We had a delightful journey the whole way 
 from Almeida to Lisbon, and travelled at an 
 easy rate, according to a route obtained from 
 the adjutant-general. Our billet was gene- 
 rally a good one, as the towns and villages 
 where we halted were usually free from troops, 
 and Brady, like a thorough old soldier, always 
 entered the place somewhat before me, where, 
 by over-rating my rank (probably by leaving 
 out the word commissary and merely using 
 that of general), he invariably contrived to 
 procure better quarters than I was entitled 
 to. 
 
 Our third day's march terminated at a mi- 
 serable little village, where the accommoda- 
 tion at my billet, though the best in the place, 
 was so scanty that Brady and my Portuguese 
 servant must have gone without a bed, had 1 
 not consented to their sleeping in a second bed
 
 2oS NED CLINTON. 
 
 that stood in my chamber. I awoke before 
 day-light on the following morning, and being 
 anxious to proceed on our journey, called to 
 Brady to look out of the window and inform 
 me if it v.as day-break yet. Accordingly, he 
 got up and went as he supposed, to the French 
 window, which he knew opened as low as the 
 floor of the chamber, but on the outside ; 
 here having fixed himself, by leaning on the 
 side frame, he bent his body forward, as he 
 imagined out of the window, an i pronounced 
 that there was no sign of day -light, all being 
 dark as pitch. " Well," said I, *' Brady," 
 feeling impatient, '* but can't you smell the 
 fragrance of the morning air?" " Yes, by 
 Jasus! and I do," replied he quickly, " and it 
 scents very strongly — it smells, your honor, 
 just like a chease!'' At this moment the 
 chamber door opened, and the Portuguese, 
 w^ho had previously left our room to visit the 
 stable, appeared with a light in his hand, when 
 to my great surprise and amusement, I 
 beheld my faithful servant in the most ludi- 
 crous of attitudes; one of his hands grasped 
 the frame of a cupboard, on the side opposite
 
 NED CLINTON. 362" 
 
 its door, which stood wide open ; his body bent 
 gently forward from his hips, in the manner of 
 a person looking straight down from the top 
 of a lofty parapet wall ; while, to complete 
 the picture, his nose was immediately over, 
 and almost touching, a piece of rotten cheese 
 standing on a shelf in the cupboard. It must 
 be supposed, that after the light appeared, he 
 did not remain long in this position ; but one 
 glance of him in this ridiculous attitude, was 
 quite sufficient to fix the circumstance firmly 
 on my memory. 
 
 I had ample leisure on this journey for 
 viewing whatever was remarkable, in a more 
 minute manner than on former marches, and I 
 felt much gratification from examining the 
 ruined fortifications scattered about this coun- 
 try, where it is impossible for the contempla- 
 tive-minded traveller to view the numerous old 
 Moorish castles, without reflecting on the past 
 colossal power of the Mahometans on this 
 European peninsula. It is here that the strug- 
 gles between the followers of Mahomet and 
 those of Christ were carried on with extreme 
 bitterness for several ages, deluging the fine soil
 
 260 NED CLINTON* 
 
 blood of each other ! It is here that Moorish 
 ferocity long reigned triumphant, and crowds 
 of Christian slaves passed away their dreary 
 days, toiling in chains for the follow^ers of 
 Mahomet. It is here that the man who hap- 
 pened to be circumcised deemed it a merito- 
 rious act to butcher his uncircumcised brother; 
 while, in the following age, the uncircumcised 
 barbarian roasted his brother man alive ! And, 
 alas! it is here, even on this very spot, that the 
 Christian forgot the mild precepts of his leader 
 and established the Inquisition — that cursed 
 institution! which far exceeds all former 
 inventions of mankind for the practice of 
 cruelty and injustice. 
 
 But the mind which begins by seeking plea- 
 sure from the contemplation of past times, 
 turns with abhorrence from the recollection 
 of religious bigotry, no matter of what per- 
 suasion. 
 
 On my way to Lisbon, I had an opportunity 
 of viewing a portion of the celebrated military 
 lines then being constructed, and which 
 soon afterwards enabled the British soldier 
 to astonish all Europe, by bringing that im*
 
 NED CLINTON. 261 
 
 niense French army, intended for the con- 
 quest of Portugal, to a full halt, even within 
 sight of Lisbon ; and then recoiling upon 
 that same army, and, like the British bull-dog, 
 following it till the enemy was destroyed. 
 
 But this is not more than the British soldier 
 will ever be found to do, w^hen led by a man 
 of courage, and military talents : he has 
 proved it for ages. Look to Cressy, A gin- 
 court, Blenheim, and other battles, too nume- 
 rous to name, and it will be found that to his 
 undaunted courage every victory is due.
 
 262 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 History of a Portuguese Nobleman. 
 
 It was now my luck to be quartered upon a 
 Portuguese nobleman, said to be as depraved 
 in mind as he was deformed in body. His 
 heighth was about four feet, of which his head 
 constituted one fourth part. He had a large 
 hunch upon his back, and a pair of very bandy 
 legs, thin as broom-sticks, while his thighs 
 were short, out of all proportion, and scarcely 
 thicker than his legs; he had little or no neck, 
 his head resting upon his breast ; his face was 
 frightfully ugly, and what few straggling 
 teeth he had were black as ink. 
 
 Amongst other misfortunes, it had been this 
 nobleman's, from his first introduction into 
 life, to fancy every woman in love with him 
 with whom he happened to converse, and this
 
 NED CLINTON. 263 
 
 vanity, added to the freedoms he attempted to 
 take with various females, and his boasting of 
 favours he never received from others, had 
 led him into a thousand scrapes, all termina- 
 ting in his lordships disgrace. 
 
 He had frequently been horsewhipped, and 
 often ducked ; he had been slushed in the 
 cook's grease, and suffered from various other 
 tricks in the kitchen ; he had been exposed on 
 lofty shelves, and fastened upon pins against 
 the walls ; in a word, he had suffered every 
 kind of personal disgrace, that the parties 
 could inflict upon such an object, without des- 
 troying him ; and yet no good effect had been 
 produced by these experiment^, so com- 
 pletely was his lordship dead to shame. But 
 the law, which had several times punished 
 him by pecuniary penalties for defamation 
 of characters, and seducing women he 
 scarcely knew, had latterly taught this noble- 
 man to be something more cautious in his 
 conduct.. 
 
 Here, in justice to the fair sex, it ought to 
 be observed, that even his lordship's coronet 
 and moderate patrimony (for he was far from
 
 264 NED CLINTON. 
 
 rich), had failed in procuring him a wife from 
 amongst the genteel class in life ; but his 
 lordship, to use a vulgar saying (if I may be 
 allowed to apply it to a man who never pos- 
 sessed any thing much like a nose), had just 
 before my arrival at Lisbon, cut off his nose 
 to spite his face. 
 
 The fact is, that in despair of doing better, 
 and tormented by her entreaties and com- 
 plaints, for she wished to visit with his lordship, 
 of whom she affected to be jealous, he had 
 Diarried his mistress ; a w^oman taken from the 
 lowest w^alk in life, who had lived with him 
 for some years, but had no family to inherit 
 the honours of the title. 
 
 Yet the attainment of a favorite object does 
 not ahvays produce the desired effect ; and it 
 happened so upon this occasion, where not 
 only the lady was disappointed of admittance 
 into fashionable society, but even his lordship 
 was excluded, or, what came to the same thing, 
 he was no longer invited to the houses of 
 genteel or respectable people. This mutual 
 disappointment created much bickering at 
 home, and caused the noble couple to live
 
 NED CLINTON. 265 
 
 more unhappily than before their marriage, for 
 her ladyship, who had now attained her grand 
 object, was less disposed to attend to his lord- 
 ship's ccrm plaints then formerly, while those 
 complaints were become heavier and more 
 numerous. And what added to his lordship's 
 domestic misery, and made him, if possible, 
 more ridiculous in the eyes of the world than 
 before, was the conduct of his own brother 
 and sister ; to whom, in extenuation of their 
 behaviour, it must be acknowledged he never 
 had been a kind brother, but for many years 
 had behaved towards them with spiteful 
 illiberality. 
 
 From prudential motives they had hitherto 
 smothered their resentment at this ungenerous 
 treatment» for they well knew from the charac- 
 ter of their noble relative, that if they irri- 
 tated him, he would resort to any desperate 
 measure to be revenged upon them ; and 
 they were fearful while he remained a bachelor, 
 that this revenge might be shewn by his 
 marrying some female already in the family 
 way; or who, at all events, might father 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 266 NED CLINTON. 
 
 a male child upon his lordship, and thus 
 destroy the brother's hopes of succeeding to 
 the family title. 
 
 But this marriage of his to a woman with 
 whom he had lived for years, without issue, 
 and who was now beyond the usual age of 
 child -bearing, completely removed ail their 
 fears, and determined them to revenge them- 
 selves upon his lordship, which they did in the 
 following manner. 
 
 It happened that a female servant, with 
 whom his lordship had been too familiar 
 some years before, had been brought to bed of 
 a son at that time, which, in consequence of 
 his refusing to provide for it, she had regularly 
 sworn to the noble lord, who was compelled 
 to pay the penalty usual on such an occasion ; 
 though he troubled himself no more with 
 either the mother or infant, further than by 
 always declaring that it was not his brat. But, 
 as ill-luck would have it, this unfortunate child 
 was born a cripple, and daily grew more like 
 his lordship ; he had the same shaped hunch 
 upon his back, a similar enormous large
 
 NED CLINTON. 267 
 
 head, thin crooked legs and thighs, and a 
 flat nose ; in short, such was the likeness they 
 bore to each other, that any dispassionate per- 
 son, who had seen his lordship and the child, 
 would not hesitate at pronouncing it must be 
 his offspring. 
 
 Now the brother and sister, on writing to 
 congratulate his lordship upon his marriage, 
 took the same opportunity of soliciting his 
 attention to this poor cripple of a child, who 
 they represented as being very badly taken 
 care of, insomuch that they were fearful the 
 boy would die, unless he was better treated. 
 They said it was a disgrace upon their family, 
 and upon his lordship in particular, to allow 
 his son and only child, the very image too of 
 himself, to be brought up by the parish ; and 
 they conjured him, both for his own honour 
 and the sake of humanity, to take charge of 
 and provide for his offspring in a becoming 
 manner, otherwise, they intimated, they should 
 feel it a duty incumbent on them, for the 
 honour of their family, to take the poor boy 
 under their joint protection. 
 
 n2
 
 26S NED CLINTON. 
 
 This letter irritated his lordship to the 
 utmost pitch of violence, and he cursed them 
 both for their impertinent interference in his 
 affairs. 
 
 At this conduct of his lordships' they affec- 
 ted to be extremely angry; talked loudly, on 
 every occasion, of their brother's unnatural 
 behaviour towards his child ; and, at length, 
 under the cloak of charity, actually took the 
 deformed brat under their joint protection, 
 and put it to a decent school ; and not con- 
 tent with having offered this gross insult to a 
 brother, one or the other of them is constantly 
 taking the child from school, for the purpose 
 of showing it about as much as possible 
 amongst their acquaintance, both by taking it 
 in the carriage with them on the various visits 
 they make, and by exhibiting it at their own 
 houses to every visitor. 
 
 This affair had enraged his lordship to an 
 extreme pitch of fury at the time I was 
 billeted upon him, which made him shun 
 society ; therefore I had no opportunity of 
 knowing him or his lady, who was almost as
 
 NED CLINTON. 269 
 
 furious as her noble partner, only with this 
 variation, that a great portion of her anger 
 was directed against his lordship, for his 
 incontinence and want of virtue, as this fair 
 bride called it.
 
 270 NED CLINTON. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 Secrets of a Profession,'-^ An easy Mode of 
 making a large Fortune. 
 
 The commissary-generars trial, for which I 
 had lost my appointment with the brigade on 
 the frontiers of Portugal, and been put to the 
 trouble of taking a march of sixteen days, 
 never took place, as that gentleman preferred 
 sacrificing his commission, without undergoing 
 the ordeal of standing a prisoner before a 
 general court-martial ; and he consequently 
 disappeared with the profitable fruits of his 
 peculations, which, it was supposed, had net- 
 ted him, at least, thirty thousand pounds. 
 
 It might be asked here, by those who never 
 served with an army in the field, how it was 
 possible for any commissary, subordinate 
 to the chief commissary-general, to defraud
 
 NED CLINTON. 271 
 
 the British Government to such an enormous 
 extent? And the reply would be (if given 
 with candjour), that almost every commissary 
 who served with the army in tlie Spanish 
 peninsula could have done the same thing 
 as this gentlemen did, if he had been so 
 hiclined. 
 
 But this subject is far too delicate for a com- 
 missary to touch upon ; for no man of common 
 i^ense can think of exposing the mysteries of 
 his own profession, — besides, was I to forget 
 myself so much, the whole tribe of commis- 
 saries would be upon my back, and soon crush 
 me to ruin under the heavy burden. 
 
 Yet that part of our business which is not 
 included amongst its mysteries, I may satisfy 
 the public curiosity by mentioning; and this 
 information will be amply sufficient to shew, 
 that a commissary on service may rapidly 
 realize a princely fortune, even though the 
 articles purchased by him for the troops are 
 good, the rations excellent, and his accounts 
 with the public apparently correct. 
 
 To explain this it will be necessary to men- 
 tion, tliat the purchases made in a country
 
 272 NED CLINTON. 
 
 where an English army is campaigning, are 
 paid for by bills upon the British treasury, 
 which sometimes are made payable in the 
 capital of that country, and on other occasions 
 only at the English treasury. The conse- 
 quences arising from which are, that the far- 
 mer, or other country person, who has sold his 
 cattle, forage, bread, or wine to the English 
 commissary, perhaps too by compulsion from 
 the magistrates of his neighbourhood, becomes 
 uneasy about the purchase money; for the bit 
 of paper given to him in exchange for his pro- 
 duct, appears to him of no more value than 
 the slips of paper he has received on former 
 occasions from the French and other govern- 
 ments ; nor does it suit him to quit his home, 
 and leave his family unprotected in the vicinity 
 of foreign troops, that he may visit the capital 
 to enquire about his paper ; while, on the other 
 hand, he knows no one going to the seat of 
 government with whom he dare trust his bill. 
 
 So circumstanced, and hearing numerous 
 reports injurious to the value of his bill, which 
 are mostly set afloat by those who purpose 
 buying it, and their emissaries, and then spread
 
 NED CLINTON. 273 
 
 wider through the fears of those who hold the 
 bills, the poor farmer is glad to listen to auy 
 offer for disposing of his, and thinks himself 
 well off if he obtains half the sum for which 
 it is drawn ; though, in the early part of the 
 campaign in Portugal, I rather think the ori- 
 ginal possessor of a bill seldom got more than 
 one third of its value. 
 
 In this manner the trader in bills realizes an 
 immense profit, doubling or trebling the capi- 
 tal employed at every transaction ; while, from 
 the facility he possesses of conveying his bills to 
 the seat of government and immediately having 
 his money sent him in return for them, he is 
 enabled to turn his property very frequently, 
 and to become rich in a short space of time. 
 
 Having so fully explained this easy mode of 
 realizing a fortune, I feel confident I need make 
 no apology for not entering into any other 
 particulars, by doing which I might inadver- 
 tently touch upon the sacred mysteries of my 
 profession, and thereby do myself, and perhaps 
 the profession at large, an irreparable injury. 
 
 Whether the gentleman, upon whose in- 
 tended trial I had been summoned to Lisben 
 
 N 3
 
 274 NED CLINTON. 
 
 as a witness, had contented himself by making 
 his thirty thousand pounds in this easy manner, 
 or had resorted to more unjustifiable ways, I 
 never learnt, because he never deigned to ex- 
 plain his conduct, and it was not the business of 
 other people in our profession to promulgate 
 what they knew, or fancied they knew, on this 
 occasion. It is sufficient that he decamped 
 with all his treasure, to the great joy of every 
 officer appointed to sit on the general court- 
 martial, at being spared the trouble of inves- 
 tigating his tedious accounts ; and also to the 
 no smaller joy of the witnesses, at being spared 
 attending the court-martial and giving their, 
 unwilling evidence.
 
 NED CLINTON. 275 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Corporal Brady introduces Father Murphi/ 
 O' Carroll. — The Priest tries to concert 
 Clinton. 
 
 The second morning' after my arrival at Li.s- 
 bon, Brady surprised me byenteringmyroom, 
 while I was at breakfast, accompanied by a 
 tall, powerful-built, middle-aged man, clothed 
 in the garb of a Romish priest, whom he in- 
 troduced to me, without ceremony, as Father 
 Murphy O' Carroll, a worthy, honorable 
 countryman of his, and a Portuguese priest 
 and confessor to boot. 
 
 I begged the holy father to sit down, and 
 invited him to partake of my breakfast, which 
 he did without the smallest hesitation, and with 
 an astonishing good appetite, eating sufUcieut 
 for any two men, and drinking in proportion..
 
 276 NED CLINTON. 
 
 The holy father scarcely spoke a word until 
 the meal was over, when, having deliberately 
 crossed his forehead and told over his beads, 
 he began preaching tome, in the broad Irish 
 brogue, about the only true religion ; but 
 finding that his preaching worked no good 
 effect, he again crossed himself, told over his 
 beads, and expressed his sorrow at my being 
 a heretic, together with his pious intention of 
 invoking those blessed saints, Dominick and 
 Patrick, to work my conversion. 
 
 He now went away, after promising me his 
 company to dinner, to whichmeall invited him 
 to give Brady pleasure, and the holy father ac- 
 cepted the invitation, as he declared, solely in 
 the hope that the two blessed saints he meant 
 toinvoke,would inspire him with a sufficiency 
 of fervent zeal and holy grace to enable him to 
 effect the salvation of an unfortunate heretic. 
 Such was the reverend priests' zeal that, 
 however deep and earnest he had been en- 
 gaged in prayer, he forgot not the dinner hour, 
 but came back a short time before the meal 
 was ready, and went through his usual gri- 
 Biaces ere we commenced, which Brady, in
 
 NED CLINTON. 277 
 
 compliment to his countryman, the father 
 confessor, had taken care should be the best 
 he could provide, while, as a just return for 
 the corporal's attention, the reverend gentle- 
 man eat enormously, and drank like a fish. 
 He was poor company during the dinner, 
 though he fullj" made up for lost time at the 
 dessert, when the holy father gradually got on 
 in conversation, until being well warmed with 
 wine, he talked enough for a dozen men ; and, 
 to do him justice, his arguments were good, 
 and his general conversation witty ; in fact, 
 when stripped of the assumed cant and craft 
 of his order, which the wine and confidence 
 in his safety with me, soon effected, he was, 
 in spite of his broad Irish brogue and his 
 priestly robe, a most excellent companion, 
 and gave some of the drollest excuses for 
 drinking that could be imagined. Amongst 
 many others, I recollect that on taking a fresh 
 bumper of wine, he would sometimes quote 
 one of Paul's epistles to Timothy, wherein 
 Timothy is recommended to drink wine for 
 the body's good. 
 
 But when Father Murphy O' Carroll got
 
 278 NED CLINTON.. 
 
 thoroughly warmed by the drink, he opened 
 his heart with candour, telling me that Lisbon 
 was the best place in the world for intrigues, 
 and that his profession enabled hira to enjoy 
 any pretty girl he fancied. ^' For we priests," 
 said he, " have only to get possession of the 
 conscience, and the body and worldly wealth 
 are sure to be at our disposal. And, by the 
 holy Saint Patrick!" continued the father, 
 *' every man amongst us has the keeping of 
 abundance of pretty girls' consciences, inso- 
 much that we are very fastidious when we can't 
 please ourselves from the lambs in our own 
 flocks, though sometimes it does happen that 
 we fancy one from another fold, and then her 
 father confessor shams sickness, that his bro- 
 ther priest may enjoy and confess her." 
 
 In this manner the priest opened his heart, 
 and acknowledged his duplicity, eventually 
 eoncluding his confession, by offering to pro- 
 cure me an extensive variety of pretty girls, 
 either from amongst the nuns, or the popula- 
 tion at large. Yet what rendered this scene 
 truly diverting was, that the father, though 
 drunk (not being able to divest himself of the
 
 NED CLINTON. 210 
 
 long established cant of his mini&try), made 
 these offers to me under the plea of religion, 
 declaring he would not procure me a single 
 girl, without first invoking Saint Dominick and 
 Saint Patrick to make her the channel lor 
 purging away my heresies, and bringing me 
 to the only true faith. 
 
 If the tempting offers of Father Murphy 
 O' Carroll were not sufficient to seduce a 
 young man from the path of virtue, I know 
 not what temptation could avail with him ; 
 for my part, as I am not at confession, I see 
 no necessity for relating how 1 behaved, or 
 what I did. However, one thing I had to 
 regret, which was, that I almost entirely lost 
 the services of James Brady while I remained 
 at Lisbon, for he was perpetually away witli 
 his countryman, the Roman Catholic priest; 
 but whether at confession or not, I can't 
 undertake to say; though, from his sleeping 
 out every night, and my happening to see him 
 come out of a female convent early one 
 morning, I acknowledge I was once illiberal 
 enough to suspect that his countryman, the 
 priest^ assisted him in the character of a pimp.
 
 280 NED CLINTON 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 Fcilher Murphy O' Carroll and Ned Clinton 
 dine at Mother Bunk er^s, — A Quarrel, and 
 Fight. 
 
 Brady, who was quite at home at Lisbon, 
 and loved to patronize his country people, 
 recommended Mother Bunker to my notice, 
 who kept an excellent ordinary and boarding- 
 house, near the fish-market, at which Lieute- 
 nant Wrig^ht, and several officers of his regi- 
 ment, resided during their stay in this town. 
 One day 1 took the reverend father to dine 
 at Mother Bunker's. The party consisted of 
 two English merchant captains, the holy 
 father, myself, and Mother Bunker, together 
 with a lieutenant and a purser in the royal 
 navy, and their guests, two Portugese sur- 
 geons, who had been invited to dinner by
 
 NED CLINTON. 281 
 
 these naval gentlemen, for the express pur- 
 pose of affording some diversion. 
 
 The dinner past over quietly enough, 
 although it was evident the surgeons were 
 much nettled, in turn, at various malicious 
 remarks, which were made purposely to irritate 
 them against each other ; and also at the 
 toasts occasionlly given to one or other, at 
 the expense of his antagonist. But while the 
 cloth was being removed, it happened that 
 Mother Bunker, at the recommendation of 
 my friend, the holy father, was induced to 
 swallow a glass of brandy to settle her sto- 
 mach, which unfortunately, added to the 
 strong liquors previously imbibed, proved too 
 much for her, and she, poor soul ! fell from 
 her chair, apparently in a state of strangula- 
 tion. The holy father, who sat next her, lost 
 no more time than was absolutely necessary 
 for finishing his brandy, ere he picked her up, 
 and seated her in a chair, wherein one of his 
 brawny fists held her fast, while with the 
 other hand he applied a profusion of water 
 to her face and bosom. Meantime the sur- 
 geons, who bad approached her on either
 
 282 KED CLINTON. 
 
 side, seized one of her hands each, and, with 
 due solemnity, commenced an examination of 
 her pulse ; when, after taking time for mature 
 consideration, the eldest doctor, addressing 
 the priest, said the case bordered upon 
 apoplexy, and it was requisite that the patient 
 should be immediately bled. The other doctor 
 hastily contradicted this opinion, pronoun- 
 cing that this case was not one of an apo- 
 plectic nature, and that bleeding w^ould be 
 improper, and only tend to weaken a con- 
 stitution already too much debilitated. At 
 this daring contradiction, the first doctor 
 became furious, and declared, with an oath, 
 that such ignorant pretenders as his antago- 
 nist were the ruin of the profession, and the 
 murderers of their patients. This was too 
 much to be borne ; accordingly, the younger 
 surgeon, totally regardless of the patient, 
 whose pulse he let go, instantly seized his 
 enemy with both hands, by the wig and 
 ear, nor did the old professor lose a moment 
 in returning the compliment, by catching 
 hold of his antagonist by the throat and 
 nose.
 
 NED CLINTON 283 
 
 While the medical gentlemen were engaged 
 in this indecent way, with their heads bent for- 
 wards over Mother Bunker's lap, and almost 
 touching her knees, kind Nature came to that 
 lady's relief, though probably assisted by the 
 struggles of the riv^al surgeons, which must 
 have shaken her frame ; but be that how it may, 
 Nature exerted herself very opportunely for 
 the patient, though not at all to the satisfaction 
 of the enraged sons of Galen. 
 
 The plain unadorned fact l^, that Nature, 
 without giving the least intimation of such a 
 kind relief by any sort of symptom, suddenly 
 caused Mother Bunker to discharge the whole 
 heterogenious contents of an overloaded sto- 
 mach, every part of which fell upon the heads 
 and hands of the two doctors in so equal a 
 manner, that it would have been difficult to 
 decide which received the largest share. But, 
 strange to tell, even this powerful inundation 
 for a time failed in disengaging the antagonists 
 from each other's grasp, and several of our 
 party availed themselves of this opportunity 
 for discharging the dirty contents of their 
 water glasses upon the two heads that were
 
 284 NED CLINTON. 
 
 already covered over with filth ; though, it 
 should be observed, this was done with the 
 apparent intention of throwing it upon 
 Mother Bunker's neck and breast. 
 
 At length the enraged combatants were 
 parted, and escorted into separate chambers, 
 where they purified themselves; while a servant 
 was despatched to their houses to procure a 
 change of those articles of clothing which had 
 been daubed in the fray. As for poor Mother 
 Bunker, to acknowledge the truth, she was 
 too ill from the effects of liquor to sit up, 
 and therefore was carried to bed. 
 
 This adventure afforded considerable merri- 
 ment to the remainder of our party, and 
 made us eager to get the rival surgeons back 
 to the table, in the hope of their creating more 
 sport ; but the united efforts of their friends, 
 the naval lieutenant and purser, failed in 
 reconciling them, and we despaired of their 
 rejoining us, until my guest, the priest, 
 undertook to exert his fatherly persuasions, 
 which soon had the desired eftect, and he 
 brought the men of physic back to us, after 
 having reconciled them together.
 
 NED CLINTON. 285 
 
 They were rather shy at first, but we so 
 effectually plied them with wine that their re- 
 serve wore away, and they became extremely 
 facetious, when the lieutenantj who had duly 
 prepared the ladies for the occasion, intro- 
 duced several women of easy virtue into the 
 company, and seated them on each side of the 
 two doctors. 
 
 In this sociable mauuer we continued drink- 
 ing for some time longer, until thewine began 
 to operate on the men of physic^ and a fresh 
 dispute arose between them, which the ladies 
 took advantage of, and, under the pretence of 
 soothing their anger, contrived to blacken the 
 cheeks of both their faces completely over 
 with burnt cork ; and what made the scene 
 really diverting was, that each party suppo- 
 sing his antagonist alone to be in this ridiculous 
 plight, was delighted, and made various sly 
 gestures of approbation. We enjoyed much 
 fun and laughter before the dispute came to a 
 crisis, which it did by the eldest son of 
 ^sculapius knocking down his antagonist 
 by a well-placed blow upon the nose, which
 
 2S6 NED CLINTON. 
 
 set that member bleeding profusely ; but the 
 younger doctor was not long without revenge, 
 for one of the girls pushed his antagonist over 
 him while he laysprawling and bleeding upon 
 the ground, and he availed himself of the 
 lucky chance, by seizing his enemy by the hair 
 of his head, and pummelling him with the 
 other hand in the face, until he had effec- 
 tually closed up one of his eyes. 
 
 We had considerable difficulty in parting 
 these enraged combatants, who, still burning 
 with fury after we had separated them, seized 
 their hats, in spite of what we could say or do, 
 and sallied forth as they were into the street, 
 covered with blood, dirt, and cork black, yet 
 vowing, with bitter imprecations, the most 
 desperate revenge against each other. While 
 to add to the diversion of the scene. Father 
 Murphy O' Carroll, who enjoyed the frolic as 
 much as any of us, shouted after them, in a 
 loud voice, '' Erin-go-bragh, you milk sops ! 'tis 
 not in the brave country of Ireland that the 
 boys get drunk before the fish is off the table !" 
 And, to do the ghostly father justice, this
 
 NED CLINTON. 287 
 
 wa.s very f^ir from being his case, for, after 
 tuekiijg- another bottle of wine under his belt, 
 he departed, sufficiently sober to confess and 
 absolve sins, or perform any other of the 
 mysterious duties of his holy profession. 
 
 END OF VOL I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 PriuUU by W. GLINUON, Rnpert Strctt, Hay market.
 
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