IB: 
 
 III 
 
 THE 
 
 RAILWAY 
 
 ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 A 
 
 COLLECTION OF THE BEST AND NEWEST ANECDOTES AND TALES 
 TO THE PRESENT DAY ; 
 
 (SEE PAGES 2, 192.) 
 
 STRAND* 
 
WASHINGTON IRVING. 
 
 Washington Irving, the u Geoffrey Crayon ” of the delightful “ Sketch-book/’ began to 
 write somewhat late in life. He was bora in the state of New York, in the year 1782 ; and, 
 if we mistake not, the papers forming his “ Sketch-book ” first appeared in a New York 
 magazine, about the year 1820. His work on the Alhambra originated as follows 
 Irving and Wilkie, the painter, were fellow-travellers on the Continent, some twenty years 
 since. In their rambles about some of the old cities of Spain, they were more than once 
 struck with scenes and incidents which reminded them of passages in the “ Arabian Nights.” 
 The painter urged Mr. Irving to write something that should illustrate those peculiarities, 
 “ something in the ‘ Haroun-al-Raschid ’ style,” which should have a deal of that Arabian 
 spice which pervades everything in Spain. The author set to work con amove , and produced 
 two goodly volumes of arabesque sketches and tales, founded on popular traditions. His 
 study was the Alhambra, and the Governor of the Palace gave Irving and Wilkie permission 
 to occupy his vacant apartments there. Wilkie was soon called away by the duties of his 
 station ; but Washington Irving remained for several months, spell-bound in the old en- 
 chanted pile. “ How many legends,” saith he, “ and traditions, true and fabulous — how 
 many songs and romances, Spanish and Arabian, of love, and war, and chivalry, are asso- 
 ciated with this romantic pile !” From this inspiration arose the “ Tales of the Alhambra.’ 
 In 1843, Mr. Irving, who was then the American ambassador at Madrid, succeeded to a 
 large property bequeathed to him by one of the Society of Friends, in the United States, and 
 personally unknown to him. 
 
 It has been well observed, that “ there never was a writer whose popularity was more 
 matter of feeling, or more intimate, than Washington Irving ; perhaps, because he appealed 
 at once to our simpler and kindliest emotions. His affections are those of ‘ heart and home 
 the pictures he delights to draw are those of natural loveliness, tinted with human sym- 
 pathies ; and, a too unusual thing with the writers of our time, he looks upon God's works 
 and sees that they are good. With him the wine of life is not always on the lees. An ex- 
 quisite vein of poetry runs through every page ; who does not remember ‘ the shark glancing 
 like a spectre through the blue seas I’” 
 

 
 
 
 
 : 
 
 
 
 
 « 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 I 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THOMAS HOOD.— (FROM A BUST BY A. DAVIS.) 
 
 Thomas Hood, a real wit and humourist, in the best sense of the word, was born in the 
 Poultry, London, in the year 1798. His father was a native of Scotland, and for many years 
 acting partner in the firm of Vemor, Hood, and Sharpe, extensive booksellers and publishers. 
 “ There was a dash of ink in my blood,” he writes ; “ my father wrote two novels, and my brother 
 was decidedly of a literary turn, to the great disquietude, for a time, of an anxious parent.” 
 Young Hood finished his education at Wanostrocht’3 Academy, at Camberwell ; and removed 
 thence to a merchant’s counting-house in the City, where he realized his own inimitable 
 sketch of the boy “ Just set up in Business.” 
 
 “ Time was I sat upon a lofty stool, 
 
 At lofty desk, and with a clerkly pen, 
 
 Began each morning at the stroke of ten 
 To write in Bell and Co.’s commercial school, 
 In Warnford-court, a shady nook and cool. 
 The favourite retreat of merchant men ; 
 
 Yet would my quill turn vagrant even 
 then, 
 
 And take stray dips in the Castalian pool. 
 
 Now double entry — now a flowery trope— 
 Mingling poetic honey with trade wax : 
 Blogg, Brothers— Milton — Grote and Pres- 
 cott— Pope- 
 
 Bristles and Hogg— Glyn, Mills, and Hali- 
 fax— 
 
 Rogers and Towgood — Hemp— the Bard of 
 Hope — 
 
 Barilla— Byron— Tallow— Burns, and Flax. 
 
 Mr. Hood’s first work was anonymous — his “ Odes and Addresses to Great People ” — a 
 little, thin, mean-looking sort of a foolscap sub-octavo of poems, with nothing but wit and 
 humour (could it want more?) to recommend it. Coleridge was delighted with the work, 
 and taxed Charles Lamb by letter with the authorship. 
 
 His next work was “A Plea for the Midsummer Fairies,” a serious poem of infinite beauty, 
 full of fine passages and of promise. The “ Plea” was followed by “ Whims and Oddities” — 
 the forerunner of the Comic Annual. Then came the “Epping Hunt” and the “Dream 
 of Eugene Aram,” “ Tylney Hall,” a novel ; and “ Hood’s Own ; or, Laughter from Year to 
 Year,” a volume of comic lucubrations, “ with an infusion of New Blood for General Circu- 
 lation.” His “ Song of the Shirt” has been sung through the whole length and breadth of 
 the three kingdoms. 
 
 Mr. Hood died on May 3, 1845, at the early age of forty-seven. 
 
 Some sparkling specimens of his genius will be found at pages 76, 79, and 80 of this 
 volume. 
 
' • ' ' 
 
 
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 • • ? . y 1 . . 
 
 
 p ■ ■ * ■ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
MR. CHARLES DICKENS (“ BOZ”). 
 
 ORIGIN OP “ BOZ.” 
 
 A fellow-passenger with Mr. Dickens in the Britannia steam-ship, across the Atlantic, 
 inquired of the author the origin of his signature “Boz.” Mr. Dickens replied that he had 
 a little brother who resembled so much the Moses in the Vicar of Wakefield, that he used to 
 call him Moses also ; but a younger girl, who could not then articulate plainly, was in the 
 habit of calling him Bozie or Boz. This simple circumstance made him assume that name in 
 the first article he risked to the public, and therefore he continued the name, as the first effort 
 was approved of. 
 
 GRIMALDI, THE CLOWN. 
 
 The father of Grimaldi, the clown, died in 1788, leaving funded property to the amount of 
 £15,000, to be divided between Joe and his brother ; but the executor becoming a bankrupt 
 within a year, the two boys lost the whole of their fortune. Offers of assistance poured in 
 upon them, but all were declined by their mother. Joe stuck to the stage ; and, at Drury- 
 Lane, Mr. Sheridan raised the boy’s salary, unasked, to £1 per week ; and soon after, his 
 brother John went to sea on board a King’s ship. Joseph, though now a mere boy, was far 
 from idle: he had to walk from Drury -Lane to Sadler’s Wells every morning, to attend 
 rehearsals, which then began at ten o’clock ; to be back at Drury -Lane to dinner by two, or 
 go without it; to be back again at Sadler’s Wells in the evening, in time for the commence- 
 ment of the performances, at six o’clock ; to go through uninterrupted labour from that time 
 until eleven o’clock, or later ; and then to walk home again, repeatedly after having changed 
 his dress twenty times in the course of the night. — Dickens’s “ Life of Joseph, Grimaldi .” 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2016 
 
 https://archive.org/details/railwayanecdotebOOunse 
 
MR. JUSTICE HALIBURTON (“ SAM SLICK”), 
 
 Of the rich humour of “ the Clockmaker” of Slickville, which has been characterized as 
 “the sunny side of common sense,” the following is a specimen : — 
 
 HOW TO PREVENT APPLE-STEALING. 
 
 Our old minister, Joshua Hopewell, had an orchard of most particular good fruit, for he 
 was a great hand at buddin’, graftin’, and what not, and the orchard (it was on the south side 
 of the house) stretched right up to the road. Well, there were some trees hung over the 
 fence, I never seed such bearers, the apples hung in ropes, for all the world like strings of 
 onions, and the fruit was beautiful. Nobody touched the minister’s apples, and when other 
 folks lost theim from the boys, hisn always hung there like bait to a hook, but there never 
 was so much as a nibble at ’em. So I said to him one day, “ Minister,” said I, “ how on airth 
 do you manage to keep your fruit, that’s so exposed, when no one else can’t do it nohow?” 
 “ Why,” says he, “ they are dreadful pretty fruit, ant they ?” “I guess,” said I, “ there ant the 
 like on ’em in all Connecticut.” Well,” says he, “ I’ll tell you the secret, but you needn’t let 
 on to no one about it. That are row next the fence, I grafted it myself ; I took great pains to 
 
 get the right kind ; I sent clean up to Roxberry and away down to Squaw-neck Creek ”■ . 
 
 I was afeared he was agoin’ to give me day and date for every graft, being a terrible long-winded 
 man in his stories, so says I, “ I know that, minister, but how do you preserve them ?” “ Why I 
 was agoin’ to tell you,” said he, “ when you stopped me. That are outward row I grafted myself 
 with the choicest kind I could find, and I succeeded. They are beautiful, but so etamal sour, no 
 human soril can eat them . Well, the boys think the old minister’s grafting has all succeeded 
 about as well as that row, and they sarch no farther. They snicker at rav graftin’, and I 
 laugh in my sleeve, I guess, at their nenetratio n” 
 

 
 
 
 
MR. HOBLER. 
 
 Who does not remember Francis Hobler, for upwards of half a century principal clerk to the 
 Lord Mayor, and whose pleasantries relieved the tedium of many a strange case at the 
 Mansion-house justice-room ? He was a man of generous nature, and in him the wretched 
 and unfortunate ever found a compassionate and sympathising friend ; he was a constant terror 
 to the confirmed beggar and hardened criminal ; the recognition of his keen and penetrating 
 eye, followed by the notice, “ You and I are old friends , I think,” being always fatal to their 
 pursuits for at least some time to come. 
 
 One illustration of Mr. Hobler’s vividness of recollection is very amusing. A daring young 
 thief having been brought up at the Mansion-house on a charge of burglary, the old gentle- 
 man eyed him through his glass, and said, “We have seen each other before now.” “ No, we 
 haven’t, old boy,” was the impudent reply ; upon which, quietly turning on his seat, Mr. 
 Hobler said, “I think I’ve an invite of yours,” and opening a drawer took out and read, to 
 the great merriment of the listeners, a card printed in the hand- writing of the prisoner in 
 red ink, soliciting the favour of his friends’ attendance at a public-hou3e in the Borough, to 
 get “gloriously drunk,” and which had been taken from his person on a commitment to 
 Bridewell, many years before, as a rogue and vagabond. 
 
 In personal appearance, Mr. Hobler was a fine, tall, upright, powdered-headed gentleman, 
 of the old school, always neatly, though somewhat eccentrically dressed, in a closely buttoned- 
 up black coat, drab breeches and gaiters, which seemed to be essential to, and form a 
 part of his very existence. In fact, it is pretty well ascertained that he was never seen in 
 trousers. 
 
 In his habits he was perfectly regular, and, notwithstanding his advanced age, never rode 
 but always walked to and from his residence in Queen’s-row, Pentonville, and the Mansion- 
 house ; and with such exactness as to time, that his appearance on any part of his journey 
 was a sure indication of the precise hour of the day. 
 
 Mr. Hobler quitted the Mansion-house clerkship in 1843. He did not long survive his 
 retirement. 
 
' 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 . 
 
 * 
 
LORD BROUGHAM. 
 
 Some men’s greatness comes unexpectedly on them. It was so with Mr. Brougham, when 
 he was appointed Lord Chancellor. Two days before he was in possession of the Great Seal, 
 he had not the remotest idea of being raised to the dignity of Lord Chancellor. Eight days 
 before his elevation, he mentioned in the House of Commons, that the circumstance of the 
 dissolution of the Wellington Government, which had then taken place, would not induce him 
 to postpone the motion of which he had given notice on Negro Slavery more than a few 
 days ; adding, that his position could not possibly be affected by any new Administration 
 which might be formed. 
 
 Lord Brougham had a great horror of hearing the interminable speeches which some of 
 the junior counsel were in the habit of making, after he conceived every thing had been said 
 which could be said on the real merits of the case before the Court by the gentlemen who 
 preceded them. His hints to them to be brief on such occasions were sometimes extremely 
 happy. On one occasion, after listening with the greatest attention to the speeches of two 
 counsel on one side, from ten o’clock till half-past two, a third arose to address the Court on 
 the same side. His Lordship was quite unprepared for this additional infliction, and 
 exclaimed : “ What ! Mr. A., are you really going to speak on the same side ?” “ Yes, my 
 
 Lord, I mean to trespass on your Lordship’s attention for a short time.” “ Then,” said his 
 Lordship, looking the orator significantly in the face, and giving a sudden twitch of his nose, 
 “ then, Mr. A., you had better cut your speech as short as possible, otherwise you must 
 not be surprised if you see me dozing; for, really, this is more than human nature can 
 endure.” The youthful barrister took the hint ; he kept closely to the point at issue — a 
 thing very rarely done by barristers— and condensed his arguments into a reasonable compass. 
 

 I \ . • ! ’‘ r 
 
 I 'I I. t 
 
 . '■) *.)ii ( v • 'H 
 
 » • 
 
 
 
/ 
 
 MK. J. C. APPERLEY. 
 
 BACCHANALIA. 
 
 An English sailor, in a state of extreme intoxication, was lying on his back in the street* 
 in Calais. The police considerately placed him on a hand-barrow, with a view of carrying 
 him to his quarters. They had not, however, proceeded far with their load, when Jack, 
 opening his eyes, threw himself violently on the pavement, exclaiming with an oath, that 
 “no Frenchman should carry him.” He was placed on the barrow, but he could not be 
 kept there, as he was an unusually powerful man ; but his falls had the effect of sobering him. 
 
 But a richer scene than this with a drunken man was witnessed some years ago. in the 
 suburbs of Dublin. He was lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of 
 physical unconsciousness. “ He is dead,” said a countryman of his, who was looking at 
 him. “Dead!” replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; “by the 
 powers, I wish I had just half his disase /” — in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had 
 drunk. 
 
 A country gentleman, after dinner, laid hal’d siege to his hostess’ wine, despite of her press- 
 ing invitations to taste her “ excellent made wines* for which she had always been so 
 famed.” Having at length prevailed, she ventured to ask for an opinion. “ I always give a 
 candid one,” said her guest, “ where eating and drinking are concerned. It is admirable 
 stuff to catch flies” 
 
 One of a dinner party, who mistook some Cape wine for Madeira, putting it to his lips 
 exclaimed, loud enough for his host to hear, “ Oh, hang this Cape ! I wish the place was 
 sunk ;” and this was the last time the vile stuff appeared at that table. 
 

RAILWAY 
 
 ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 Anecdotes have enjoyed so wide a range of public favour, that it is trusted the present 
 attempt to apply them to beguile the monotony of a Railway Journey, may be received with 
 like indulgence. As conveying the conversational opinions and peculiarities of many cele- 
 brated individuals, the present assemblage, from the variety and authenticity of its sources, 
 will, it is believed, be found to possess attractions of no common order ; and with this brief 
 letter of introduction, we proceed to the more pleasurable duty of a Companion to the 
 Railway Carriage. 
 
 bad’s the best. 
 
 Mr. Canning was once asked by an 
 English clergyman how he had liked the 
 sermon he had preached before him. “ Why, 
 it was a short sermon,” quoth Canning. 
 “ Oh yes,” said the preacher ; “ you know I 
 avoid being tedious.” “Ah, but,” replied 
 Canning, “ you were tedious.” 
 
 FORCE OF HABIT. 
 
 It has been told of the late Mr. Peter 
 Moore, and was actually true of Secretary 
 Scraggs, who began life as a footman, that 
 in the days of his opulence he once handed 
 some ladies into their carriage, and then, 
 from the mere force of habit, got up behind. 
 
 COLERIDGE AND THE JEWS. 
 
 Coleridge relates : “ I have had a good 
 deal to do with Jews in the course of my life, 
 although I never borrowed any money of 
 them. The other day I was what you may 
 call floored by a Jew. He passed me several 
 times, crying for old clothes in the most nasal 
 and extraordinary tone I ever heard. At 
 last, I was so provoked, that I said to him : 
 * Pray, why can’t you say “ old clothes” in 
 a plain way, as I do now ?’ The Jew stopped, 
 and, looking very gravely at me, said, in a 
 clear and even fine accent, ‘ Sir, I can say 
 “ old clothes” as well as you can ; but if you 
 had to say so ten times a minute, for an hour 
 together, you would say ogh clo as I. do now ;’ 
 and so he marched off. I was so confounded 
 with the justice of his retort, that I followed 
 and gave him a shilling, the only one I had. 
 
 “ Once I sat in a coach opposite a Jew ; 
 a symbol of old clothes-bags ; an Isaiah of 
 Holywell- street. He would close the win- 
 dow ; I opened it. He closed it again ; upon 
 which, in a very solemn tone, I said to him : 
 ‘Son of Abraham! thou smell est; son of 
 Isaac! thou art offensive; son of Jacob! 
 thou stinkest foully. See the man in the 
 moon ! he is holding his nose at that dis- 
 tance : dost thou think that I, sitting here, 
 can endure it any longer?’ My Jew was 
 astounded, opened the window forthwith 
 himself, and said, ‘ he was sorry he did not 
 know before I was so great a gentleman.’ ” 
 
 IRISH TEMPERANCE. 
 
 A gentleman from Ireland, on entering a 
 London tavern, saw a countryman of his, a 
 Tipperary squire, sitting over his pint of wine 
 in the coffee-room. “ Blood an’ ’ounds ! my 
 dear fellow,” said he ; “ what are you about ? 
 For the honour of Tipperary, don’t be after 
 sitting over half a pint of wine in a house 
 like this.” “Make yourself aisy, country- 
 man,” was the reply; “it’s the seventh I 
 have had, and every one in the room knows 
 it.” 
 
 JOHNSON AND FOOTE. 
 
 The most striking testimony that has been 
 borne to Foote’s colloquial powers is that 
 furnished by Dr. Johnson, who says, “ The 
 first time I was in company with Foote was 
 at Fitzherbert’s. Having no good opinion of 
 the fellow, I was resolved not to be pleased ; 
 and it is very difficult to please a man against 
 his will. I went on eating my dinner pretty 
 sullenly, affecting not to mind him ; but the 
 chap was so very comical that I was obliged 
 to lay down my knife and fork, and fairly 
 laugh it out. He was irresistible.” 
 
 BRIEF ABSTINENCE. 
 
 A bon-vivant being observed by a friend, 
 who had not seen him for a long time, to 
 be downcast in his countenance, and very 
 unlike himself, was asked whether anything 
 serious had befallen him. “ Nothing of the 
 sort,” was his reply; “but I am quite an 
 altered character. I have left off drinking.” 
 “ Indeed !” replied his friend, rather astounded 
 at the assertion; “and since when?” “ Since 
 two o’clock this morning,” was the facete 
 reply ; the speaker’s countenance recovering 
 its usual cast of good-humour and mirth. 
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 
 
 A beggar, some time ago, applied for alms 
 at the door of a partisan of the Antibegging 
 Society. After in vain detailing his manifold 
 sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremp- 
 torily dismissed him. “Go away,” said he ; 
 “go — we canna gie ye naething.” “ You 
 might, at least,” replied the mendicant, with 
 an air of great dignity and archness, “ have 
 refused me grammatically.” 
 
 B 
 
2 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 ERROR CORRECTED. 
 
 The Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a 
 charity sermon, frequently repeated the as- 
 sertion that, of all natrons, Englishmen were 
 most distinguished for generosity and the 
 love of their species. The collection hap- 
 pened to be inferior to his expectations, and 
 he said that he had evidently made a great 
 mistake, for that his expression should have 
 been, that they were distinguished for the 
 love of their specie. 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 Turner, the painter, is a ready wit. Once, 
 at a dinner, where several artists, amateurs, 
 and literary men were convened, a poet, by 
 way of being facetious, proposed as a toast 
 the health of the painters and glaziers of 
 Great Britain. The toast was drunk, and 
 Turner, after returning thanks for it, proposed 
 the health of the British paper-stainers. 
 
 THE DUKE AND THE HACKNEY-COACHMAN. 
 
 The Duke of Saxe- Weimar, when in New 
 York, went one evening in a hackney-coach 
 to a party, and the next day was called 
 upon by the driver for his fare, who asked 
 the Duke whether he was the man he had 
 driven the night before; and, on being 
 answered in the affirmative, informed him 
 that “ he was the gentleman that drove him,” 
 and that he had come for his half-dollar. 
 
 SINGULAR PRESENTIMENT. 
 
 “ Iron legs” Grimaldi had a profound 
 dread of the 14th day of the month. At its 
 approach, he was always nervous and dis- 
 quieted: directly it had passed, he was 
 another man again, and invariably exclaimed, 
 
 his broken English, “ Ah ! now I am safe 
 
 r another month.” Yet he, at length, died 
 n the 14th of March. He was born, chris- 
 tened, and married, on the 14th of the month. 
 
 HOT AND COLD. 
 
 An Irishman discovered a part of the wood- 
 work of a chimney-piece on fire, that endan- 
 gered the whole house. He rushed up-stairs 
 to his master, and announced the alarming 
 intelligence. Down he rushed with him. A 
 large kettle of boiling water was on the fire. 
 “ Well, why don’t you put out the fire ?” “I 
 can’t, surr.” “ Why, you fool ! pour the water 
 upon it.” “ Sure, it’s hot water, surr.” 
 
 UNION OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONS. 
 
 At a large literary party in Edinburgh, in 
 the course of conversation, it was mentioned 
 that a certain well-known literary character 
 had written two poems, one called “The 
 Pebble,” the other “The Ocean;” that he 
 was offering them to the booksellers, who, 
 however, would not accede to his terms of 
 publication and that the worthy author 
 was, therefore, puzzled not a little as to what 
 he should do with his productions. “ Why,” 
 remarked a sarcastic gentleman who was 
 present, “ I think the doctor could not do 
 better than throw the one into the other.” 
 
 LEARNING GREEK. 
 
 A shoemaker in Piccadilly, determined to 
 astonish the world, had put up a motto from 
 Euripides over his window. Bannister hap- 
 pened to be passing with Porson. “That is 
 Greek,” said Bannister. “ What ! are you 
 acquainted with Greek ?” asked the Profes- 
 sor, with a laugh. “ I know it by sight,” 
 was the happy reply. 
 
 SOLECISM IN MANNERS. 
 
 The Duke of Sussex was at one period a 
 determined angler, and kept a punt at Shep- 
 perton for the purpose. Here he was at- 
 tended by the famous Peter Purdy, who inva- 
 riably answered “ Yes,” or “ No, your Royal 
 Rodney ,” to any questions which the Duke 
 asked. Peter, on being reminded of the 
 great mistake he thus committed, said that 
 for the life of him he could not help it. He 
 had heard so much of Lord Rodney from 
 his father, who was one of bis crew, that he 
 protested he could think of no other name 
 whenever he spoke to a great man. 
 
 THE PATE d’ AMOUR. 
 
 Ude, when in Paris, had fallen in love, and 
 matters were nearly brought to matrimony. 
 Previous to this conclusion, Ude, however, 
 prudently made a calculation (he being an 
 excellent steward) of the expenses of mar- 
 ried life, and in the estimate set down 
 Madame’s expenditure at so many louis. 
 Now, Ude customarily conveyed his billets 
 in an envelope of pate d'Amande; but, un- 
 fortunately, in the confusion of love and 
 cookery, the estimate of housekeeping was 
 sent instead of the proposal. The next day, 
 Ude was apprized of his mistake by a letter 
 from his mistress, stating the high estima- 
 tion in which she held M. Ude ; but that, as 
 — — louis were too small an allowance for a 
 woman of fashion, she must decline the honour 
 of becoming Madame Ude. The story got 
 wind, and, by a sort of lucus-a-non-lncendo 
 analogy, the name of Pate d’Amande was 
 changed into Pate d’ Amour. 
 
 FAMILIAR BLANK VERSE. 
 
 John Kemble’s most familiar table-talk 
 often flowed into blank verse. Sir Walter 
 Scott used to chuckle with particular glee 
 over the recollection of an excursion to the 
 vale of Ettrick, near which river the parties 
 were pursued by a bull. “Come, King John,” 
 said he, “ we must even take the water 
 and accordingly he and his daughter 
 plunged into the stream. But King John 
 halting on the bank, exclaimed, in his usual 
 solemu manner, 
 
 “ The flood is angry, Sheriff, 
 Methinks I’ll get me up into a tree.” 
 
 In the same strain was Mrs. Siddons ac- 
 customed to talk. Scott (who was a capital 
 mimic) often repeated her tragic exclamation 
 to a foot-boy, during a dinner at Ashestiel — 
 “ You’ve brought me water, boy ; I asked for 
 beer.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 PROFIT AND LOSS. 
 
 Montaigne has a pleasant story of a little 
 boy, who, when his mother had lost a law- 
 suit which he had always heard her speak of 
 as a perpetual cause of trouble, ran up to her 
 in great glee to tell her of the loss as a matter 
 for congratulation and joy; the poor child 
 thinking it was like losing a cough, or any 
 other bodily ailment. 
 
 A SIEVE OF A MAN. 
 
 George II. once observed of the lord- 
 steward of his household, just dead, that 
 “ he had a great many good qualities, but 
 he was a sieve ! ” Upon this, Walpole re- 
 marks : “ It is the last receiver into which 
 I should have thought his Majesty would 
 have poured gold.” 
 
 MOLIERE’S PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Though an habitual valetudinarian, Mo- 
 liore relied almost upon the temperance of 
 his diet for the re-establishment of his health. 
 “What use do you make of our physician?” 
 said the King to him one day. “We chat 
 together, Sire,” said the poet. “He gives 
 me his prescriptions : I never follow them ; 
 and so I get well.” 
 
 CUTTING AN ACQUAINTANCE. 
 
 George Selwyn happening to be at Bath 
 when it was nearly empty, was induced, for 
 the mere purpose of killing time, to cultivate 
 the acquaintance of an elderly gentleman he 
 was in the habit of meeting at the Rooms. 
 In the height of the following season, Selwyn 
 encountered his old associate in St. James’s- 
 street. He endeavoured to pass unnoticed, 
 but in vain. “What! don’t you recollect 
 me?” exclaimed the cuttee. “I recollect 
 you perfectly,” replied Selwyn ; “ and when 
 I next go to Bath I shall be most happy to 
 become acquainted with you again.” 
 
 SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH. 
 
 Sir James Mackintosh had a great deal 
 of humour ; and, among many other ex- 
 amples of it, he kept a dinner party at his 
 own house for two or three hours in a roar of 
 laughter, playing upon the simplicity of a 
 Scotch cousin, who had mistaken the Rev. 
 Sydney Smith for his gallant synonym, the 
 hero of Acre. 
 
 Curran, when Master of the Rolls, said to 
 Mr. Grattan, “ You would be the greatest 
 man of your age, Grattan, if you would buy 
 a few yards of red tape, and tie up your bills 
 and papers.” This was the fault or mis- 
 fortune of Sir James Mackintosh : he never 
 knew the use of red tape, and was utterly 
 unfit for the common business of life. That 
 a guinea represents a quantity of shillings, 
 and. that it would barter for a quantity of 
 cloth, he was well aware ; but the accurate 
 number of the baser coin, or the just mea- 
 surement of the manufactured articles to 
 which he was entitled for his gold, he could 
 never learn, and it was impossible to teach 
 him. 
 
 DISTINCTIONS OF DRESS. 
 
 The meeting of two gentlemen in the thea- 
 tre lobby is a happy illustration of the con- 
 fusion a similarity of dress occasions. Coming 
 from different points, each in a great hurry, 
 one addressed the other with, “ Pray, are 
 you the box-keeper ? ” “ No,” replied the 
 other; “are you?” 
 
 A GREENLAND FAMILY. 
 
 Captain Graah, on inquiring how many 
 children a Greenlander was blessed with, was 
 answered “ four.” His wife, however, con- 
 tradicted him, declaring there were “five; ” 
 nor could they agree about the matter till 
 they counted them on their fingers, the only 
 arithmetical powers of which they had any 
 knowledge. Their names were, in English, 
 Lamp-soot, Round-knife, Child’s-jacket, 
 Blubber, and Old. 
 
 SMOIKNG MANNERS. 
 
 A Kentuckian visited a merchant at New 
 York, with whom, after dinner, he drank 
 wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the 
 carpet, much to the annoyance of his host, 
 who desired a spittoon to be brought for his 
 troublesome visitor ; he, however, pushed it 
 away with his foot, and when it was re- 
 placed, he kicked it away again, quite un- 
 aware of its use. When it had been thrice 
 replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to 
 the servant who had brought it : “I tel] you 
 what ; you’ve been pretty considerable 
 troublesome with that ere thing, I guess ; 
 if you put it there again, I’m hung if I don’t 
 spit in it.” 
 
 ANCESTRAL DISPUTE. 
 
 The late Mr. Huddlestone believed himself 
 to be lineally descended from Athelstane,oc 
 which his name was allowed to be an un- 
 deniable corruption; and amongst others 
 by the late Duke of Norfolk. These two 
 worthies often met over a bottle to discuss 
 the respective pretensions of their pedigrees ; 
 and on one of these occasions, when Mr. 
 Huddlestone was dining with the Duke, the 
 discussion was prolonged till the descendant 
 of the Saxon Kings fairly rolled from his 
 chair upon the floor. One of the younger 
 members of the family hastened, by the 
 Duke’s desire, to re-establish him, but he 
 sternly repelled the proffered hand of the 
 cadet. “ Never,” he hiccuped out, “ shall it 
 be said that the head of the house of Hud- 
 dlestone was lifted from the ground by a 
 younger branch of the house of Howard.” 
 “Well, then, mj r good old friend,” said the 
 good-natured Duke, “ I must try what I can 
 do for you myself. The head of the house of 
 Howard is too drunk to pick up the head of 
 the house of Huddlestone, but he will lie 
 down beside him wish all the pleasure in the 
 world so saying, the Duke also took his 
 place upon the floor. The concluding part of 
 this anecdote has been plagiarised, and ap- 
 plied to other people, but the authenticity of 
 this version may be relied on . — Quarterly Re- 
 view. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 TURNPIKE-ROADS V. RAILWAYS. 
 
 The first important attempt made to im- 
 prove the communications of Great Britain 
 took place in the reign of Charles II. In 
 the sixteenth year of the reign of that 
 Monarch was established the first turnpike- 
 road where toll was taken, which inter- 
 sected the counties of Hertford, Cambridge, 
 and Huntingdon. It long remained, how- 
 ever, an isolated line of communication ; and 
 it was little more than a century ago that 
 any extensive or effectual attempts were 
 made, of a general character, to construct a 
 good system of roads through the country. 
 
 Until the middle of the eighteenth cen- 
 tury, most of the merchandise which was 
 conveyed from place to place in Scotland was 
 transported on pack-horses. Oatmeal, coals, 
 turf, and even hay and straw, were carried in 
 this manner through short distances; but 
 when it was necessary to carry merchandise 
 between distant places, a cart was used, a 
 horse not being able to transport on his back 
 a sufficient quantity of goods to pay the cost 
 of the journey. 
 
 The time required by the common carriers 
 to complete their journey seems, when com- 
 pared with our present standard of speed, 
 quite incredible. Thus, it is recorded that 
 the carrier between Selkirk and Edinburgh, 
 a distance of thirty-eight miles, required a 
 fortnight for his journey, going and return- 
 ing. The road lay chiefly along the bottom 
 of the district called Gala-water , the bed of 
 the stream, when not flooded, being the 
 ground chosen as the most level and easy to 
 travel on. 
 
 In 1678, a contract was made to establish 
 a coach for passengers between Edinburgh 
 and Glasgow, a distance of forty-four miles. 
 This coach was drawn by six horses, and the 
 journey between the two places, to and fro, 
 was completed in six days. Even so re- 
 cently as the year 1750, the stage-coach 
 from Edinburgh to Glasgow took thirty- six 
 hours to make the journey. In 1849, the 
 same journey was made, by a route three 
 miles longer, in one hour and a half ! 
 
 In the year 1763 there was but one stage- 
 coach between Edinbm'gh and London. This 
 started once a month from each of these 
 cities. It took a fortnight to perform the 
 journey. At the same epoch the journey 
 between London and York required four 
 days. 
 
 In 1835 there were seven coaches started 
 daily between London and Edinburgh, which 
 performed the journey in less than forty- 
 eight hours. In the present year, 1849, the 
 same journey is performed by railway in 
 twelve hours ! 
 
 In 1763, the number of passengers con- 
 veyed by the coaches between London and 
 Edinburgh could not have exceeded about 
 twenty-five monthly, and by all means of 
 conveyance whatever did not exceed fifty. 
 In 1835, the coaches alone conveyed between 
 these two capitals about one hundred and 
 forty passengers daily , or four thousand 
 
 monthly. But, besides these, several steam- 
 ships, of enormous magnitude, sailed weekly 
 between the two places, supplying all the 
 accommodation and luxury of floating 
 hotels, and completing the yoyage at the 
 same rate as the coaches, in less than forty- 
 eight hours. 
 
 As these steam- ships conveyed at least as 
 many passengers as the coaches, we may es- 
 timate the actual number of pas3eDger3 
 transported between the two places monthly' 
 at eight thousand. Thus the intercourse be- 
 tween London and Edinburgh in 1835 was 
 one hundred and sixty times greater than in 
 17 63. At present the intercourse is increased 
 in a much higher ratio, by the improved fa- 
 cility and greater cheapness of railway 
 transport. 
 
 Arthur Young, who travelled in Lanca- 
 shire in 1770, has left us in his “ Tour ” the 
 following account of the state of the roads 
 at that time : — “ I know not,” he says, “ in 
 the whole range of language, terms sufficiently 
 expressive to describe this infernal road. Let 
 me mosL seriously caution all travellers who 
 may accidentally propose to travel this ter- 
 rible country' to avoid it as they would the 
 devil, for a thousand to one they break their 
 necks or their limbs by overthrows or break- 
 ings down. They will here meet with ruts 
 which I actually measured, four feet deep, 
 and floating with mud, only from a wet 
 summer. What, therefore, must it be after 
 a winter ? The only' mending it receives is 
 tumbling in some loose stones, which serve 
 no other purpose than jolting a carriage in 
 the most intolerable manner. These are not 
 merely opinions, but facts; for I actually 
 passed three carts broken down in these 
 eighteen miles of execrable memory.” 
 
 And again he says (speaking of a turn- 
 pike-road near Warrington, now superseded 
 by the Grand J unction Railway), “ This is a 
 paved road, most infamously bad. Any per- 
 son would imagine the people of the country 
 had made it with a view to immediate de- 
 struction, for the breadth is only' sufficient 
 for one carriage ; consequently it is cut at 
 once into ruts ; and you may easily conceive 
 what a break-down, dislocating road, ruts 
 cut through a pavement must be.” 
 
 Nor was the state of the roads in other 
 parts of the north of England better. He 
 says of a road near Newcastle, now super- 
 seded by a railway', “ A more dreadful road 
 cannot be imagined. I was obliged to hire 
 two men at one place to support my' chaise 
 from overturning. Let me peisuade all tra- 
 vellers to avoid this terrible country, which 
 must either dislocate their bones with broken 
 pavements, or bury them in muddy sand. It 
 is only bad management that can occasion 
 such very miserable roads in a country' so 
 abounding with towns, trade, and manu- 
 factures.” 
 
 Now, it so happens that the precise ground 
 over which Mr. Young travelled in this 
 manner less than eighty years ago, is at pre- 
 sent literally reticulated with railways, upon 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 5 
 
 which tens of thousands of passengers are 
 daily transported, at a speed varying from 
 thirty to fifty miles an hour, in carriages 
 affording no more inconvenience or discom- 
 fort than Mr. Young suffered in 1770, when 
 reposing in his drawingroom in his arm- 
 chair. 
 
 Until the close of the last century, the in- 
 ternal transport of goods in England was 
 performed by waggon, and was not only in- 
 tolerably slow, but so expensive as to ex- 
 clude every object except manufactured ar- 
 ticles, and such as, being of light weight and 
 small bulk in proportion to their value, would 
 allow a high rate of transport. Thus the 
 charge for carriage by waggon from London 
 to Leeds was at the rate of £13 a ton, being 
 13£d. per ton per mile. Between Liverpool 
 and Manchester it was 40s. a ton, or 15d. 
 per ton per mile. Heavy articles, such 
 as coals and other materials, could only 
 be available for commerce where their 
 position favoured transport by sea, and, 
 consequently, many of the richest dis- 
 tricts of the kingdom remained unpro- 
 ductive, awaiting the tardy advancement of 
 the art of transport. Coals are now carried 
 upon railways at a penny per ton per mile, 
 and, in some places, at even a lower rate. 
 Merchandise, such as that mentioned above, 
 which was transported in 1763 at from 14d. 
 to 15d. per mile, is now carried at from 3d. 
 to 4a., while those sorts which are heavier 
 in proportion to their bulk are transported at 
 2|d. per ton per mile. 
 
 But this is not all : the waggon transport 
 formerly practised was limited to a speed 
 which in its most improved state did not ex- 
 ceed twenty-four miles a day, while the pre- 
 sent transport by railway is effected at the 
 rate of from twelve to fourteen miles an 
 hour. — From Dr. Lardner’s valuable Rail- 
 way Economy. 
 
 ODD FORESIGHT. 
 
 Lady Margaret Herbert asked somebody 
 for & pretty pattern for a night-cap. “Well,” 
 said the person, “ what signifies the pattern 
 of a night-cap?” “Oh! child,” said she, 
 
 “ but you know, in case of fire !” 
 
 KEEPING HOLIDAYS. 
 
 There are many advantages in variety of 
 conditions, one of which is boasted of by a 
 divine, who rejoices that, between both classes, 
 
 “ all the holidays of the church are properly 
 kept, since the rich observe the feasts, and 
 the poor observe the fasts.” 
 
 UNFAIR ADVANTAGE. 
 
 One of the best things lately said upon 
 age — a very ticklish subject, by the way — 
 was the observation of Mr. James Smith to 
 Mr. Thomas Hill. “ Hill,” said the former 
 gentleman, “you take an unfair advantage 
 of an accident : the register of your birth 
 was burnt in the Great Fire of London, and 
 you avail yourself of the circumstance to give 
 out that you are younger than you are.” 
 
 VALUE OF APPLAUSE. 
 
 Some one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that 
 applause was necessary to actors, as it gave 
 them confidence. “More,” replied the ac- 
 tress ; “ it gives us breath.” 
 
 PRACTICAL WIT. 
 
 Talleyrand not only said, but did many 
 witty things. On the death of Charles JL, 
 he drove through Paris for a couple of days, 
 wearing a white hat. He carried a crape in 
 hi3 pocket. When he passed through the 
 Faubourg of the Carlists, the crape was in- 
 stantly twisted round his hat ; when he came 
 into the quarter of the Tuileries, the crape was 
 instantly slipt off and put into his pocket 
 again. 
 
 HOW TO ENJOY A VENISON FEAST. 
 
 At a venison feast, Sir Joshua Reynolds 
 addressed his conversation to one of the com- 
 pany who sat next to him, but, to his great 
 surprise, could not get a single word in 
 answer, until at length his silent neighbour, 
 turning to him, said, “ Sir Joshua, whenever 
 you are at a venison feast, I advise you not 
 to speak during dinner-time, as in endea- 
 vouring to answer your questions, I have 
 just swallowed a fine piece of fat without 
 tasting its flavour.” 
 
 CHANGING HATS. 
 
 Barry, the painter, was with Nollekens, at 
 Rome, in 1760, and they were extremely 
 intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, 
 when they were about to leave the English 
 coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. 
 Barry’s was edged with lace, and Nollekens’s 
 was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his 
 returning the hat the next morning, he was 
 asked by Nollekens why he left him his 
 gold-laced hat. “ Why, to tell you the truth, 
 my dear Joey,” answered Barry, “ I fully ex- 
 pected assassination last night; and I was 
 to have been known by my laced hat.” Nol- 
 lekens used to relate the story, adding, “ It’s 
 what the Old Bailey people would call a true 
 bill against Jem.” 
 
 EASY CURE. 
 
 Dr. Moore, author of “Zeluco,” used to 
 say that at least two-thirds of a physician’s 
 fees were for imaginary complaints. " Among 
 several instances of this nature, he mentions 
 one of a clothier, who, after drinking the 
 Bath waters, took it into his head to try 
 Bristol Hot Wells. Previous, however, to 
 his setting off, he requested his physician to 
 favour him with a letter, stating his case to 
 any brother Galen. This done, the patient 
 got into a chaise, and started. After pro- 
 ceeding half-way, he felt an itch to pry into 
 the contents of the letter, when the follow- 
 ing words presented themselves : — “ Dear sir, 
 the bearer is a fat Wiltshire clothier; make 
 the most of him.” It is almost unnecessary 
 to add that his cure was from that moment 
 effected, as he ordered the chaise to turn, and 
 immediately proceeded home. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 LATE TO DINNER. 
 
 The most unpunctual persons ever known 
 were two brothers, celebrated time immemo- 
 rial in the place-holding rvorld. The late 
 Lord Dudley used to say of them, that if you 
 asked Robert for Wednesday, at seven, you 
 would have Charles on Thursday, at eight. 
 
 MAKING CHAMPAGNE. 
 
 The knavish hotel-keepers of Nassau mix 
 the mineral water with wine and sugar, and 
 sell the compound for champagne. A recent 
 traveller overheard a waiter at Fachingen 
 ask his master whether he might serve the 
 English gentlemen with the champagne 
 made in the morning ! 
 
 miser’s charity. 
 
 An illiterate person, who always volun- 
 teered to “go round with the hat,” but was 
 suspected of sparing his own pocket, over- 
 hearing once a hint to that effect, replied, 
 “Other gentlemen putsdown what they thinks 
 proper, and so do I. Charity’s a private con- 
 cern, and what I give is nothing to nobody .” 
 
 PRINCELY “ BESPEAK.” 
 
 When the Marchioness of Yavi, at Potosi, 
 expressed a desire to see a favourite play, it 
 was immediately commanded by the Marquis, 
 who, taking the whole house at his own ex- 
 pense, distributed the tickets among the fa- 
 shionable world, and had the theatre supplied 
 with refreshments of every kind, as a private 
 party. 
 
 pet animals. 
 
 One often sees persons of rough natures 
 and unfeeling hearts bestow extraordinary 
 attention upon favourite animals. The French 
 Revolutionists presented some extraordinary 
 instances of this anomalous affection. Citi- 
 zen Couthon, a Hercules in crime, fondled 
 and invariably carried in his bosom, even to 
 the Convention, a little spaniel, as a vent for 
 the exuberant sensibilities which overflowed 
 his affectionate heart. This tenderness for 
 some pet animal was by no means peculiar 
 to Couthon : it seemed rather a common 
 fashion with the gentle butchers of the Re- 
 volution. M. George Duval informs us that 
 Chaumette had an aviary, to which he de- 
 voted his harmless leisure ; the murderous 
 Fournier carried on his shoulders a pretty 
 little spaniel, attached by a silver chain; 
 Panis bestowed the simplicity of his affec- 
 tions upon two gold pheasants ; and Marat, 
 who would not abate one of the 300,000 
 heads he demanded, reared doves! Apropos 
 of the spaniel of Couthon, Duval gives us an 
 amusing anecdote of Serjent, not one of the 
 least relentless agents of the massacre of Sep- 
 tember. A lady came to implore his protec- 
 tion for one of her relations confined in the 
 Abbey. He scarcely deigned to speak to 
 her. As she retired in despair, she trod by 
 accident upon the paw of his favourite spa- 
 niel. Serjent, turning round, enraged and 
 furious, exclaimed, “ Madame, have you no 
 humanity ?” 
 
 benefit of competition. 
 
 Pope, when he first saw Garrick act, ob- 
 served, “ I am afraid that the young man will 
 be spoiled, for he will have no competitor !” 
 
 SHERIDAN’S PAYMENT. 
 
 Sheridan had a Bardolph countenance, wflth 
 heavy features, but his eyes possessed the 
 most distinguished brilliancy. Mathews said 
 it was very simple in Mr. Moore to admire 
 how Sheridan came by the means of paying 
 the price of Drury-Lane Theatre, when all 
 the world knows that he never paid it at all. 
 
 DRINKING. 
 
 A drunken fellow, taken home by his friend, 
 was challenged by another : “ Who is that? 
 Where are you going ?” &c. “ Why, I think 
 your friend has had too much ; why, I think 
 he had better have divided it fairly, half to- 
 day and half to-morrow.” A watchman came 
 up. “ How much has he drunk ?” said a by- 
 stander. “A gallon at least!” “Then I take 
 him into custody for carrying off a gallon of 
 liquor without a permit ! ” 
 
 RIGHT TO A CRACK. 
 
 An English gentleman wanting a dessert- 
 service of porcelain made after a particular 
 pattern, sent over to China a specimen dish, 
 ordering that it should be exactly copied for 
 the whole service. It unfortunately hap- 
 pened that in the dish so sent over, the 
 Chinese manufacturer discovered a crack; 
 the consequence was, that the entire service 
 sent over to the party ordering it had a 
 crack in each article, carefully copied from 
 the original. 
 
 LOSING TIME. 
 
 A Welsh rector being on a visit to a neigh- 
 bouring squire, when a very small glass was 
 set before him after dinner, he pulled the 
 servant by the skirts, and thus expostulated 
 with him: “What is this glass for? Does 
 your master wish to keep me here all night ?” 
 The rector was as famous for eating as for 
 drinking. “ This preaching thirty-five mi- 
 nutes,” said he, at dinner, on Sunday, to his 
 curate, “ will never do : here’s a fine goose 
 roasted to a rag, and not a drop of gravy in it.” 
 
 ACCOMMODATING INADVERTENCE. 
 
 Sir James Mackintosh had a very Parson- 
 Adams-like forgetfulness of common things 
 and lesser proprieties, which was very amus- 
 ing. On his arrival at Bombay, there being 
 no house ready for his reception, the Governor 
 offered his garden-house for the temporary 
 accommodation of Sir James and his family, 
 who were so comfortable in their quarters, 
 that they forgot to quit, month after month, 
 till a year had elapsed, when the Governor 
 took forcible possession of his own property. 
 Again, Sir James and his lady, on requesting 
 to inspect the seat of the late Lord Melville, 
 in Perthshire, were invited to stay two or 
 three days, which were protracted to as many 
 months, till every species of hint was thrown 
 away upon them. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 7 
 
 PLEASANT DESERTS. 
 
 Matoisin, physician to the King of France, 
 was so fond of administering medicine, that, 
 seeing all the phials and pill-boxes of his pa- 
 tient completely emptied, and ranged in order 
 on the table, he said, “ Ah, sir, it gives me 
 pleasure to attend you — you deserve to be ill.” 
 
 CURE AND KILL. 
 
 The late Lord Gardestone, himself a vale- 
 tudinarian, took the pains to inquire for those 
 persons who had actually attested marvellous 
 cures, and found that more than two-thirds 
 of the number died very shortly after they had 
 been cured. Sir Robert Walpole, Lords Bo- 
 lingbroke and Winnington, were killed by 
 curemongers. 
 
 A MISTAKE. 
 
 Old Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that 
 no man ever died of drinking. “ Some puny 
 things,” he said, “ have died of learning to 
 drink, but no man ever died of drinking.” 
 Now Baldwin was no mean authority ; for he 
 spoke from great practical experience, and 
 was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. 
 Bartholomew’s Hospital. 
 
 TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION. 
 
 Sir Fletcher Norton was noted for his want 
 of courtesy. When pleading before Lord 
 Mansfield, on some question of manorial 
 right, he chanced unfortunately to say, “ My 
 Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant 
 in my own person : I myself have two little 
 manors.” The j udge immediately interposed, 
 with one of his blandest smiles, “ We all know 
 it, Sir Fletcher.” 
 
 IDEA OF ETERNITY. 
 
 An American clergyman, in one of his ser- 
 mons, exclaimed to his hearers: “Eternity! 
 why, don’t you know the measw&g of that 
 word? Nor I either, hardly. It is for ever 
 and ever, and five or six everlastings a- top of 
 that. You might place a row of figures from 
 here to sunset, and cipher them all up, and 
 it wouldn’t begin to tell how many ages 
 long eternity is. Why, my friends, after mil- 
 lions and trillions of years had rolled away in 
 eternity, it would be a hundred thousand 
 years to breakfast-time.” 
 
 dress and merit. 
 
 Girard, the famous French painter, when 
 very young, was the bearer of a letter of in- 
 troduction to Lanjuinais, then of the Council 
 of Napoleon. The young painter was shab- 
 bily attired, and his reception was extremely 
 cold ; but Lanjuinais discovered in him such 
 striking proofs of talent, good sense, and 
 amiability, that, on Girard’s rising to take 
 leave, he rose too, and accompanied his vi- 
 sitor to the ante-chamber. The change was 
 so striking, that Girard could not avoid an 
 express' on of surprise. “ My young friend,” 
 said Lanjuinais, anticipating the inquiry, 
 
 “ we receive an unknown person according to 
 his dress — we take leave of him according to 
 his merit.” 
 
 GROWTH OF SENTIMENT. 
 
 Horace Walpole relates: “At a great 
 supper t’other night, at Lord Hertford’s, 
 Lady Coventry said, in a very vulgar ac- 
 cent, if she drank any more, she should be 
 muckibus. — ‘Lord!’ said Lady Mary Coke, 
 ‘ what is that?’ * Oh! it’s Irish for senti- 
 mental . ’ ” 
 
 CREDIT AND DEBT. 
 
 Coryat, in his “ Crudities,” tells us that he 
 saw the following inscription, which some 
 witty^ rogue had posted up “ On ne loge 
 pas ceans a credit : car il est mort — les mau- 
 vais payeurs l’ont tue.”— (“ Here is no lodg- 
 ing upon credit: for credit is dead— bad 
 payers have killed it.”) 
 
 FOLLY OF DUELLING. 
 
 Duelling is unknown in Muscat; where a 
 Captain one day expressed his astonishment 
 that such a silly custom should prevail 
 amongst rational people ; adding : “ If a man 
 insult you, kill him on the spot ; but do not 
 give him the opportunity bo kill as well as 
 insult you.” 
 
 SLEEPING ROUND. 
 
 The celebrated Quin had this faculty. 
 
 “ What sort of a morning is it, John?” 
 “ Yery wet, sir.” “ Any mullet in the 
 market?” “No, sir.” “Then, John, you 
 may call me this time to-morrow.” So say- 
 ing, he composed himself to sleep, and got 
 rid of the ennui of a dull day. 
 
 who’s who ? 
 
 Sir Richard Phillips used to relate the 
 following anecdote with great glee. A 
 widow kept a public-house near the corner 
 of North-end lane, about two miles from 
 Hyde Park Corner, where she had lived 
 about fifty years ; and I wanted to determine 
 the house in which Samuel Richardson, the 
 novelist, had resided in North-end lane. 
 She remembered his person, and described 
 him as “ a round, short gentleman, who most 
 days passed her door,” and she said she U3ed 
 to serve his family with beer. “ He used to 
 live and carry on his business,” said I, “ in 
 Salisbury-square.” u As to that,” said she, 
 
 “ I know nothing, for I never was in Lon- 
 don.” “ Never in London !” said I ; “ and 
 in health, with the free use of your limbs ?” 
 
 “ No,” replied the woman ; “ 1 had no busi- 
 ness there, and had enough to do at home.” 
 
 “ Well, then,” I observed, “ you know 
 your own neighbourhood the better — which 
 was the house of Mr. Richardson, in the 
 next lane?” “ I don’t know,” she replied; 
 
 “ I am, as I told you, no traveller. I never 
 was up the lane — I only know that he did 
 live somewhere up the lane.” “ Well,” said 
 I, “but living in Fulham parish, you go to 
 church ?” “ No,” said she, “ I never have 
 time ; on a Sunday our house is always full 
 — I never was at Fulham but once, and that 
 was when I was married, and many people 
 say that was once too often, though my hus- 
 band, was as good a man as ever broke bread 
 — God rest his soul.” 
 
8 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 NOTIONS OF ANTIQUITIES. 
 
 An American traveller, returned from 
 Europe, was asked how he liked Rome ; to 
 which he replied that Rome was a fine city, 
 but that he must acknowledge he thought 
 the public buildings were very much out of 
 repair. 
 
 ORIGIN OF “ JIM CROW. ” 
 
 The New Orleans Picayune states that, a 
 few years ago, Thomas D. Rice, now the 
 famous Negro comedian, was an actor in a 
 Western theatre; and though he did some 
 things cleverly, he was particularly remark- 
 able for nothing but being the best dressed 
 man in the company. An original piece was 
 got up, in which Rice was persuaded to do 
 the character of a Negro, much against his 
 will. He consented only under the stipula- 
 tion that he should have permission to intro- 
 duce a Negro song of his own. 
 
 Rice was fond of riding, and frequently 
 visited a stable in town where there was a 
 very droll Negro ostler, who used to dance 
 grotesquely, and sing odd fragments of a song 
 about one Jim Crow. Very little difficulty 
 was found in transforming the ostler into a 
 tutor, and in half an hour Rice was master 
 of the symphony, melody, and all the steps, 
 words, and drollery of the far-famed and 
 irresistible “ Jim Crow!” 
 
 The evening for the debut of the new play 
 came on, and never did Kemble or Talma 
 study more intensely over the effect of cos- 
 tume than did Rice in dressing for his Negro 
 part on this occasion. He had easily con- 
 trived to throw together a few verses, with 
 witty local allusions, and to heighten the ex- 
 travagance of the dance to its greatest ex- 
 tent of grotesque absurdity. The play com- 
 menced, and went on, dragging heavity 
 and lamely — Rice himself failing to stir up 
 the drowsy audience with his clumsily-writ- 
 ten Negro part until the third act, where the 
 song came in. 
 
 Utter condemnation was lowering omi- 
 nously over the piece, and the actors had 
 already pronounced it a dead failure, when 
 the hitherto silent and gloomy green-room 
 was startled by a tumultuous round of cheers 
 breaking out suddenly in “ front.” 
 
 “What can that be?” said the manager, 
 pricking up his ears. 
 
 Another verse of the song was sung, with 
 the extravagant dancing accompaniment, 
 and the house shook with still more violent 
 applause. 
 
 “What is that?” said the manager. 
 
 “ Who’s on the stage ?” 
 
 “ Rice is singing a Negro song,” was the 
 reply. 
 
 “ Oh, that’s it, eh !” said the manager, who 
 was a stickler for the “ legitimate,” and con- 
 cluded that an audience which could applaud 
 such a thing would be just as likely to hiss it 
 the next moment. 
 
 But the new song continued to call down 
 expressions of pleasure that could not by any 
 means be mistaken ; and, at its conclusion, 
 the manager bounced out of the green-room, 
 
 and down to “ P.S.,” to listen to the loudest 
 encore he ever heard in his theatre. 
 
 The play was announced again, but, after 
 two or three representations, it was discovered 
 that the song was all the audience wanted, 
 and so Jim Crow emerged triumphant from 
 the ashes of a damned play, to delight Europe 
 and America with — 
 
 “ Turn about an’ wheel about, 
 
 An’ do just so ; 
 
 An’ eb’ry time I wheel about, 
 
 I j ump Jim Crow ! 
 
 A-heah-heah -whooh /” 
 
 Rice soon found his way to New York, and 
 Hamblin was not long in snapping up the 
 new card, which he made to tell to as hand- 
 some a tune as any other that the great ca- 
 terer ever played upon the Bowery boards. 
 
 “ Fortune brings in some boats that are not 
 steered 
 
 and when Thomas D. Rice was playing 
 William Tell in Cherry-street, New York, 
 he little dreamed of ever making a fortune 
 by singing Jim Crow ! 
 
 HANG TOGETHER. 
 
 Richard Perm, one of the proprietors, and 
 of all the governors of Pennsylvania, pro- 
 bably the most deservedly popular, in the 
 commencement of the revolution (his brother 
 John being at that time governor), was on 
 the most familiar and intimate terms with a 
 number of the most decided and influential 
 Whigs; and, on a certain occasion, being in 
 company with several of them, a member of 
 Congress observed that, such was the crisis, 
 “ they must all hang together.” “ If you do 
 not, gentlemen,” said Mr. Penn, “ I can tell 
 you that you will be very apt to hang sepa- 
 rately.” 
 
 THE RULING PASSION. 
 
 When M. Brillat-Savarin, Judge of the 
 Court of Cassation, and an amateur gastro- 
 nome, was in America once, on his return 
 from a shooting excursion, in which he shot 
 a wild turkey, he fell into conversation with 
 Jefferson, who began relating some interest- 
 ing anecdotes about Washington and the 
 war ; when, observing the air distrait of M. 
 Brillat-Savarin, he stopped, and was about 
 to go away. “My dear sir,” said the gas- 
 tronomer, “ I beg a thousand pardons, but I 
 was thinking how I should dress my wild 
 turkey.” 
 
 A BROAD HINT. 
 
 When Captain Basil Hall and his party 
 landed on the coast of Corea, their visit was 
 not relished by the natives. One man, in 
 particular, expressed the general wish for 
 their departure, by holding up a piece of 
 paper, like a sail, and then blowing upon it 
 in the direction of the wind, at the Same time 
 pointing to the ships ; thereby denoting that 
 the wind was fair, and that the visitors had 
 only to set sail and leave the island. This is 
 even plainer than the vulgar English bint, 
 “ When shall I see you again ?” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 9 
 
 CURE FOR THE COLIC. 
 
 An eminent house-painter in the City, a 
 governor of St. Bartholomew’s Hospital, got 
 a recipe for the painter’s colic, which con- 
 tained all sorts of comfortable things, the 
 chief ingredients being Cognac brandy and 
 spices ! It did wonders with the first two or 
 three cases ; but he found the success of the 
 remedy so increased the frequency of the 
 complaint, that he was compelled to give up 
 his medical treatment ; for so long as he had 
 the specific, his men were constantly making 
 wry faces at him. 
 
 SCHOOL DISCIPLINE. 
 
 In Coleridge’s time, the discipline at 
 Christ’s Hospital was ultra -Spartan; all do- 
 mestic ties were to be put aside. “ Boy !” 
 Coleridge remembered Bower saying to him 
 once, when he was crying the first day after 
 his return from the holidays. “ Boy ! the 
 school is your father! Boy! the school is 
 our mother! Boy! the school is your 
 rother ! the school is your sister ! the school 
 is your first cousin, and your second cousin, 
 and all the rest of your relations! Let’s 
 have no more crying.” 
 
 LAND AND SEA FIGHTS. 
 
 An Irish officer in the army, happening 
 to be passenger in an armed vessel during 
 the last war, used frequently to wish that 
 they might fall in with an enemy’s ship ; 
 because, he said, he had been in many land 
 battles, and there was nothing in the world 
 which he desired more than to see what sort 
 of a thing a sea-fight was. He had his wish ; 
 and when, after a smart action, in which he 
 bore his part bravely, an enemy of superior 
 force had been beaten off, he declared, with 
 the customary emphasis of an Irish adjura- 
 tion, that a sea-fight was a mighty sairious 
 sort of a thing. 
 
 SUMMARY DECISION. 
 
 Mr. Brougham, when at the bar, opened 
 before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an ac- 
 tion for the amount of a wager laid upon the 
 event of a dog-fight, which, through some 
 unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been 
 brought to an issue. “ We, my Lord,” said 
 the advocate, K were minded that the dogs 
 should fight.” — “ Then I,” replied the Judge, 
 “ am minded to hear no more of it and he 
 called another cause. 
 
 PRUDENTIAL CONSIDERATION. 
 
 The lady of a distinguished officer died in 
 one of our colonies, just previous to which 
 she expressed a wish to be buried in Eng- 
 land, and was, accordingly, deposited in a 
 cask of rum, for the purpose of transport 
 homeAut remained in the cellar after the 
 officeins second marriage ; the detention being 
 occasioned by his expectation that the duty 
 on the spirit imported into England, in which 
 the dear departed was preserved, would, in a 
 few years, be either lowered or taken off alto- 
 gether ! Strange as this may seem, it is true. 
 
 A SIMILE. 
 
 The old Duke of Cumberland was one 
 night playing at hazard at Beauford House, 
 with a great heap of gold before him, when 
 somebody said, “ he looked like the prodigal 
 son and the fatted calf both.” 
 
 FRENCH-ENGLISH. 
 
 “ What has become of your famous General 
 Eel ?” said the Count d’Erleon to Mr. Camp- 
 bell. “Eel,” said a bystander, “that is a 
 military fish I never hear of but another 
 at once enlightened his mind by saying to 
 the Count, “ General Lord Hill is now Com- 
 mander-in-Chief of the British forces.” 
 
 THE PLEASURES OF THE TABLE 
 Have never been incompatible with the gifts 
 of genius, or the investigations of the under- 
 standing. “I cannot conceive,” says Dr. 
 Johnson, “the folly of those who, when at 
 table, think of everything but eating; for 
 my part, when I am there, I think of nothing 
 else ; and whosoever does not trouble himself 
 with this important affair at dinner, or sup- 
 per, will do no good at any other time.” 
 
 THE LONGEST LAW-SUIT. 
 
 In 1842, a paragraph appeared in one or 
 two of the London newspapers, headed the 
 “Longest Law-suit,” in which both facts 
 and names are sadly blundered. The famous 
 “ Berkeley suit ” lasted upwards of 190 (in- 
 stead of 120) years ; having commenced 
 shortly after the death of Thomas, fourth 
 Lord Berkeley, in the fifth of Henry Y. 
 (1416), and terminated in the seventh of 
 James I. (1609). It arose out of the mar- 
 riage of Elizabeth, only daughter and heiress 
 of the above Baron, with Richard Beau- 
 champ, Earl of Warwick, their descendants 
 having continually sought to get possession 
 of the Castle and Lordship of Berkeley, which 
 not only occasioned the famous law- suit in 
 question, but was often attended with the 
 most violent quarrels on both sides, at least 
 during the first fifty years or more. In the 
 year 1469 (tenth of Edward IV.), Thomas 
 Talbot, second Viscount Lisle, great-grand- 
 son of the above Elizabeth, residing at 
 Wotton- under-Edge (not Walton tinder 
 Hedge!'), was killed at Nibley Green, in a 
 furious skirmish between some 500 of his 
 own retainers and about as many of those 
 of William (then) Lord Berkeley (whom he 
 had challenged to the field), who likewise 
 headed his men; when, besides the brave 
 but ill-fated young Lisle (scarce of age at 
 that time), about 150 of their followers were 
 slain, and 300 wounded, chiefly of the Wot- 
 ton party, who fled on the fall of their leader 
 Lord Lisle’s sisters were his heirs, and their 
 husbands (one of whom also got the title) 
 followed up the suit, as their descendants did 
 after them, till down to the time of the first 
 James, when Henry, eleventh Lord Berkeley, 
 obtained a decree in favour of his claims, and 
 got full and quiet possession of the lands and 
 manors in dispute. 
 
10 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 “ LOST LUGGAGE OFFICE ” OF THE NORTH- 
 WESTERN RAILWAY. 
 
 Immediately after the evacuation of each 
 arriving train at the terminus, carriage- 
 searchers examine the interior of the pas- 
 senger coaches. They raise the cushions, 
 search the pockets, take up the carpets, and 
 diligently examine every part of the car- 
 riage, and it rarely happens that some articles, 
 more or less, are not found which the pas- 
 sengers inadvertently leave behind them. 
 These are sent by the searchers immediately 
 to the “ Lost Luggage Office,” where they 
 are delivered into the hands of a clerk, who 
 enters in a register a description of the ar- 
 ticles, the number and designation of the 
 carriages in which they were left, the hour 
 of the arrival of the train, and the route 
 which the carriage, in which the articles were 
 found, had followed. A label is attached to 
 the article, numbered in accordance with the 
 entry in this register, so that at any future 
 period it may be compared with such entry 
 and identified. If the article in question is 
 marked with the address of its owner, or if 
 any indication of such address can be dis- 
 covered from its contents, it is sent without 
 delay to the proprietor ; if not, it is deposited 
 in a certain place, according to its magnitude 
 and quality, where it is left for a certain as- 
 signed time waiting for an application on the 
 part of its owner. If, at the end of such 
 specified time, which varies with different rail- 
 ways, no application be made, if it be a box, 
 trunk, or other similar object, it is broken 
 open and the contents ascertained. From the 
 contents the ownership is frequently dis- 
 covered, and it is restored ; but if no clue to 
 such discovery be thus obtained, then the 
 article is transferred to a permanent place of 
 deposit in the office or store-room, where it 
 remains for a more extended period, such as 
 one or two years. If at the end of this pe- 
 riod no claim be made on the part of the 
 owner, then the article, with others kept for 
 a like time, is publicly sold by auction or 
 otherwise, and tne proceeds of the sale appro- 
 priated as directed by the managers of the 
 railway. Such proceeds are usually applied 
 to some charitable object in connexion with 
 the railway business. 
 
 It frequently happens that applications are 
 made at the railway stations for lost luggage 
 which is not found in the Lost Luggage 
 office. In that case a circular is despatched 
 to all the stations along the line or system of 
 lines at which the passenger sustaining the 
 loss has touched, and where, by any possi- 
 bility, the lost object might have been left, 
 and answers are rapidly obtained. This use- 
 ful system of inquiry is greatly extended 
 through the agency of the railway clearing- 
 house. B} t this means such inquiries can be 
 extended not merely to all the stations be- 
 longing to the railway in which the inquiry 
 originates, but to all the railways spread 
 over the chief part of the United Kingdom. 
 
 In the Lost Luggage Office are to be 
 seen, on shelves and in compartments, the 
 
 innumerable articles which have been left 
 in the trains during the last two months, 
 each being ticketed and numbered with a 
 figure corresponding with the entry-book in 
 which the article is defined. 
 
 Without, however, describing in detail 
 this property, we will at once proceed to 
 a large, pitch-dark, subterranean, vaulted 
 chamber, warmed by hot-air iron pipes, in 
 which are deposited the flock of lost sheep, 
 or, without metaphor, the lost luggage of the 
 last two years. 
 
 Suspended from the roof there hangs 
 horizontally in this chamber a gas-pipe about 
 eight feet long ; and as soon as the brilliant 
 burners at each end were lighted, the scene 
 was really astounding. It would be in- 
 finitely easier to say what there is not, than 
 what there is, in the forty compartments like 
 great wine-bins in which this* lost property 
 is arranged. 
 
 One is choke-full of men’s hats ; another 
 of parasols, umbrellas, and sticks of every 
 possible description : one would think that 
 all the ladies’ reticules on earth were de- 
 posited in a third. How many little smell- 
 ing-bottles — how many little embroidered 
 pocket-handkerchiefs — ho w many lit tie musty 
 eatables and comfortable drinkables — how 
 many little bills, important little notes, and 
 other very small secrets each may have con- 
 tained, we felt that we would not for the 
 world have ascertained ; but when we gazed 
 at the enormous quantity of red cloaks, red 
 shawls, red tartan plaids, and red scarves, 
 piled up in one corner, it was, we own, im- 
 possible to help reflecting that surely English 
 ladies of all ages who wear red cloaks, &c. 
 must, in some mysterious way or other, be 
 powerfully affected by the whine of com- 
 pressed air, by the sudden ringing of a bell, 
 by the sight of their friends — in short, by 
 the various conflicting emotions that disturb 
 the human heart on arriving at the up-ter- 
 minus of the Euston station ; for else, how, 
 we gravely asked ourselves, could we possibly 
 account for the extraordinary red mass be- 
 fore us ? 
 
 Of course, in this Rolando-looking cave 
 there were plenty of carpet- bags, gun-cases, 
 portmanteaus, writing-desks, books, cigar- 
 cases, &c. ; but there were a few articles that 
 certainly we were not prepared to meet with, 
 and which but too clearly proved that the 
 extraordinary terminus excitement, which 
 had suddenly caused so many virtuous ladies 
 to elope from their red shawls — in short, to 
 be not only in ‘ a bustle ’ behind, but all over 
 — had equally affected men of all sorts and 
 conditions. One gentleman had left behind 
 him a pair of leather hunting-breeches ! an- 
 other his boot-jack! A soli tier of the 22nd 
 regiment had left his knapsack containing his 
 kit. Another soldier of the 10th, poorfellow, 
 had left his scarlet regimental coat ! Some 
 cripple, probably overjoyed at the sight 
 of his family, had left behind him his 
 crutches ! But what astonished us above all 
 was, that some honest Scotchman, probably 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 11 
 
 in the ecstasy of seeing among the crowd the 
 face of his faithful Jeannie, had actually left 
 behind him the best portion of his bagpipes ! 
 
 Some little time ago, the superintendent, 
 on breaking open, previous to a general sale, 
 a locked leather hat -box, which had lain in 
 this dungeon two years, found in it, under 
 the hat, £65 in Bank of England notes, with 
 one or two private letters, which enabled 
 him to restore the money to the owner, who, 
 it turned out, had been so positive that he 
 had left his hat-box at a hotel at Birming- 
 ham, that he had made no inquiry for it at 
 the railway office . — Stokers and Pokers, by 
 the author of Bubbles from the Brunnehs of 
 Nassau. 
 
 A GOOD COLLECTOR. 
 
 Dr. Michael Hutchinson, who collected 
 £3249 for rebuilding All Saints’ Church, 
 Derby, in 1730, was so industrious and suc- 
 cessful in this labour of love, that when the 
 waits fiddled at his door for a Christmas-box, 
 he invited them in, treated them with a tankard 
 of ale, and persuaded them out of a guinea ! 
 
 ACCURATE DESCRIPTION. 
 
 Doctor Duncan received a severe injury 
 from something in the shape of cowskin, 
 somewhere in the neighbourhood of Cincin- 
 nati. “ Where were you hurt, doctor ?” said 
 a friend. “ Was it near the vertebra ?” “ No, 
 no,” said the disciple of Galen ; “ it was near 
 the race-course.” 
 
 FISHING FOR COMPANY. 
 
 Walpole gives an odd account of a Mrs. 
 Holman, whose passion was keeping an as- 
 sembly, and inviting literally everybody to 
 it. “ She goes to the drawingroom to watch 
 for sneezers, whips out a curtsey, and then 
 sends next morning to know how your cold 
 does, and desires your company on Thurs- 
 day.” 
 
 ORIGIN OF BOTTLED ALE. 
 
 Alexander Newell, Dean of St. Paul’s, and 
 Master of Westminster School, in the reign 
 of Queen Mary, was an excellent angler. 
 But (says Fuller) while Newell was catching 
 of fishes, Bishop Bonner was catching of 
 Newell, and would certainly have sent him 
 to the shambles, had not a good London 
 merchant conveyed him away upon the seas, 
 Newell was fishing upon the banks of the 
 Thames when he received the first intima- 
 tion of his danger, which was so pressing, 
 that he dare not go back to his own house to 
 make any preparation for his flight. Like 
 an honest angler, he had taken with him 
 provision for the day ; and when, in the first 
 year of England’s deliverance, he returned to 
 his country and his old haunts, he remem- 
 bered that, on the day of hi3 flight, he had 
 left a bottle of beer in a safe place on the 
 bank : there he looked for it, and “ found it 
 no bottle, but a gun — such the sound at the 
 opening thereof; and this (says Fuller) is 
 believed (casualty is mother of more inven- 
 tion than industry) the origin of Bottled Ale 
 in England.” 
 
 EASY REMEDY. 
 
 “ I like to hear a child cry,” jocosely said 
 the Abbe Morold. “ Why ?” “ Because then 
 there is some hope of his "being sent away.” 
 
 IRISH ANTIQUITIES. 
 
 A Connemara gentleman being pressed to 
 visit the ruins of a Roman villa, in Alsace, 
 declined, observing, “ What novelty was a 
 Roman village to him ? Within twenty 
 miles of his father’s there was but one Pro- 
 testant, and that was the parson; and his 
 assistant was a Catholic, and, like the clerk 
 of Ballvhain, when he finished at church, he 
 served mass afterwards. Roman villages! 
 he would be glad to know where there were 
 any else, from one end of Connemara to the 
 other.” 
 
 ALGERINE CATS. 
 
 Mr. Campbell, when at Algiers, on in- 
 quiring for a cat to drive away the rats, was 
 told there was no keeping one in the camp 
 of Douera. “Why not?” “Because the 
 French soldiers steal them.” And what do 
 they do with them ?” “ Why, it is alleged 
 
 that they make pies and soups of them !” 
 
 who’s he? 
 
 An old woman, in a village in the west of 
 England, was told one day that the King of 
 Prussia was dead, such a report having ar- 
 rived when the Great Frederick was in the 
 noon-day of his glory. Old Mary lifted up 
 her great sloe eyes at the news, and fixing 
 
 them, in the fulness of vacancy, upon her in- 
 formant, replied, “ Is a ! is a ! — The Lord ha’ 
 mercy ! — Well ! well ! The King of Prussia ! 
 And who’s he ?” The “ who’s he ?” of this 
 old woman might serve as a text for a nota- 
 ble sermon upon ambition. “ Who’s he?” 
 may now be asked of men greater as soldiers 
 in their day than Frederick or Wellington; 
 greater in discovery than Sir Isaac or Sir 
 Humphry. Who built the Pyramids? Who 
 ate the first oyster? 
 
 HERODOTUS EVERY-DAY. 
 
 Few persons are aware how often they 
 imitate this great historian. Thus, children 
 and servants are remarkably “Herodotean” 
 in their style of narration. They tell every- 
 thing dramatically. Their “ says hes ” and 
 “ says shes ” are proverbial. Every person 
 who has had to settle their disputes, knows 
 that, even when they have no intention to 
 deceive, their reports of conversation always 
 require to be carefully sifted. If an educated 
 man were giving an account of a late change 
 of administration, lie would say : “ Lord 
 John Russell resigned, and the Queen, in 
 consequence, sent for Sir Robert Peel.” A” 
 porter would tell the story as if he had been 
 behind the curtains of the Royal bed at 
 Buckingham Palace. “ So Lord John Rus- 
 sell says, ‘ I cannot manage this business, I 
 must go out.’ So the Queen says, ‘Well, 
 
 then, 1 must send for Sir Robert Peel, that’s 
 all.’ ” This is the very manner of the father 
 of history. 
 
12 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 AFFECTED MODESTY. 
 
 When conversation in a company in which 
 Dr. Johnson was present had fallen upon 
 rather a delicate topic, one of the ladies, with 
 an expression of great displeasure, rose and 
 left the room. “That woman,” said the 
 Doctor, “is the most immodest of all the 
 company.” 
 
 AMERICAN “ LADIES.” 
 
 In America, all females are “ ladies ;” the 
 noble word, “ woman,” is never heard. Miss 
 Martineau wishing to see the women-wards 
 in a prison at Tennessee, was answered by 
 the warden, “ We have no ladies here at 
 present, madam.” A lecturer, discoursing 
 on the characteristics of women, illustrated 
 thus : “Who were the last at the cross? 
 Ladies. Who were the first at the sepulchre ? 
 Ladies.” 
 
 POLITICAL GUNPOWDER. 
 
 When Lord Bath was told of the determi- 
 nation of turning out Pitt and letting Fox 
 remain in the Ministry, he said it put him in 
 mind of a story of the Gunpowder Plot. The 
 Lord Chamberlain was sent to examine the 
 vaults under the Parliament House, and, re- 
 turning with his report, said, “ he had found 
 five-and-twenty barrels of gunpowder; that 
 he had removed ten of them, and hoped the 
 other fifteen would do no harm.” 
 
 THE FAMILY SUIT. 
 
 The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister 
 having succeeded to the lucrative practice of 
 the latter, came one morning, in breathless 
 ecstacy, to inform him that he had succeeded 
 in bringing nearly to its termination a cause 
 which had been pending in the court of 
 scruples for several years. Instead of ob- 
 taining the expected congratulations of the 
 retired veteran of the law, his intelligence 
 was received with indignation. “ It was by 
 this suit,” exclaimed he, “that my father 
 was enabled to provide for me, and to por- 
 tion your wife; and, with the exercise of 
 common prudence, it would have furnished 
 you with the means of providing handsomely 
 for your children and grandchildren.” 
 
 LONG YARNS. 
 
 Amongst those long-winded and generally 
 marvellous stories with which to while away 
 the dreary “mid-watch,” to the astonish- 
 ment of the greenhorns, very astonishing is 
 that called “ the Merry Dun of Dover.” This 
 was a vessel of such magnitude that she has 
 been known to be receiving a cargo of coals 
 at her bow-port in Sunderland harbour, and 
 discharging them out of her stem-port at 
 the same time into the coal lighters below' 
 London-bridge. Such was the height of her 
 masts, that a little boy, being sent aloft to 
 clear the pendant, returned upon deck a grey- 
 headed man. Working out of the Downs, 
 this amazing vessel was of such a length, 
 that, in tacking, her flying jib-boom knocked 
 down Calais steeple, at the very instant that 
 the tail of her ensign swept a flock of sheep 
 off the summit of Dover cliff. 
 
 GROWTH OF FELICITY. 
 
 A poor gardener, on being asked what 
 felicity meant, said he did not know, but he 
 believed it was a bulbous root ! 
 
 AN ILLUSTRATION. 
 
 Captain Wilbraham, inquiring of one of' 
 the Jholams at Tehran whether an account 
 which one of the King’s couriers had jus: 
 related was likely to be true — “ Oh no,” an- 
 swered the man ; “ you must not believe a 
 word of it. A courier must have something 
 to tell by the way. You should hear what 
 lies I tell when I am travelling.” 
 
 DEATH OF KEAN, THE TRAGEDIAN. 
 
 In the year 1833, Edmund Kean was en- 
 gaged at Drury, and played Othello to Ma- 
 cready’s Iago. He had promised to play lago 
 also, and had a new dress made for it, but, we 
 believe, determined not to do it. About this 
 time, he had the Richmond theatre, and 
 played there three nights per -week. For his 
 last benefit, he acted there Penruddock and 
 Paul. Being in embarrassed circumstances, 
 he requested a loan of £500; this, it was 
 said, the management of Drury-Lane hesi- 
 tated to advance, and he engaged himself at 
 Covent-garden. On the 25th March, 1833, 
 he appeared as Othello; Iago, Mr. Charles 
 Kean ; Cassio, Mr. Abbott ; Desdemona, Miss 
 Ellen Tree. The elder Kean came to the 
 theatre in company with Mr. John Lee and 
 Dr. Douchez ; it was with difficulty he made 
 up for the character, the nauseous process of 
 browning his face occasioning sickness. He 
 went languidly through the first two acts, 
 but rallied in the third ; he spoke the “ Fare- 
 well ” exquisitely, but at the passage — 
 
 “ Villain ! be sure thou prov’st my love,” 
 &c., 
 
 his energy failed him ; he essayed to proceed, 
 and then sank on the shoulder of his son. 
 Mr. Payne, who played Ludovico, came on, 
 and, with Mr. C. Kean, assisted the great 
 actor from the stage, which he never again 
 trod! It was singular that he should end 
 his career in the arms of his son, and that 
 that son’s future wife should be Desdemona. 
 He was taken to the Wrekin Tavern, Broad- 
 court, too weak to even bear the operation of 
 having the paint removed. In a few days he 
 sufficiently recovered to go to Richmond; 
 here he was sedulously attended by Mrs. 
 Tidswell, said to be his aunt. Mr. Lee, Mr. 
 Hughes, and Dr. Douchez were constantly 
 with him. He flattered himself that he was 
 recovering, commenced studying Master Wal- 
 ter, and was underlined for it at the Hay- 
 market, but his memory had gone for ever. 
 On the 15th May, 1833, he expired. Kean 
 did not know his birthday ; he kept, it on the 
 17th of March ; but many of his early friends 
 affirm that he was born in November. The 
 year, as well as day, is doubtful. Kean him- 
 self said 1787. Mrs. Carey, who claimed to 
 be his mother, died in the same week in the 
 same house. 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 13 
 
 COLERIDGE AND 'fllELWALL. 
 
 Thelwall and Coleridge were sitting once 
 in a beautiful recess in the Quantock hills, 
 when the latter said, “ Citizen John, this is a 
 fine place to talk treason in !” “ Nay, citi- 
 zen Samuel,” replied he; “it is rather a 
 place to make a man forget that there is any 
 necessity for treason !” 
 
 ECCENTRIC HUMANITY. 
 
 John, Duke of Montague, made two codi- 
 cils to his will, one in favour of his servants, 
 and the other of his dogs, cats, &c. Whilst 
 writing the latter, one of his cats, jumped on 
 his knee. “What!” says he, “have you a 
 mind to be a witness, too? You can’t, for 
 you are a party concerned.” 
 
 JOY OF GRIEF. 
 
 A Highland funeral used to be followed by 
 a regular supper to the company, and a ball. 
 Upon one occasion, the gentleman who was 
 to lead down the dance asked the mistress of 
 the house, whose husband had that day been 
 buried, if she would stand up to the dance, 
 and she with a deep sigh consented. He 
 then asked the disconsolate widow to name 
 the spring, i. e. the tune, she would wish to 
 be played. “ Oh,” she said, “ let it be a light 
 spring, for I have a heavy heart.” 
 
 TEA IN SCOTLAND. 
 
 Tea in Scotland appears to have been 
 known a century later than in England. Sir 
 Walter Scott used to relate, that people were 
 living who recollected how the Lady Pum- 
 phraston, to whom a pound of fine green tea 
 had been sent as a rare and valuable present, 
 boiled the same, and served it up with melted 
 butter, as condiment to a salted rump of beef ; 
 and complained that no cooking she could 
 contrive “would make these foreign greens 
 tender.” 
 
 CARD-TABLE SIGNALS. 
 
 Theodore Hdok’s Code of Card-table Sig- 
 nals, in his clever novel of “ Gilbert Gurney,” 
 might be very effectually reduced to practice. 
 “ Never,” says he, “ let man and wife play 
 together at whist. There are always family 
 telegraphs ; and, if they fancy their looks are 
 watched, they can always communicate by 
 ■words. I found out that 1 could never win 
 of Smigsmag and his wife. I mentioned 
 this one day, and was answered, * No, you 
 never can win of them.’ ‘ Why ?’ said I. 
 ‘ Because,’ said my friend, ‘ they "have esta- 
 blished a code.’ ‘ Dear me,’ said I ; ‘ signals 
 by looks?’ ‘No,’ said he, ‘by words. If 
 Mrs. Smigsmag is to lead, Smigsmag says, 
 “ Dear, begin Dear begins with D ; so does 
 diamond ; and out comes one from the lady. 
 If he has to lead, and she says “ S. my love,” 
 she wants a spade. Smigsmag and spade 
 begin with the same letter, and sure enough 
 down comes a spade. “ Harriet, my dear, how 
 long you are sorting your cards ! ” Mrs. Smig- 
 smag stumps down a heart; and a gentle 
 “ Come, my love,” on either side, produces a 
 club.’ ” 
 
 POLITE EVIDENCE. 
 
 At the Wells Assizes, a butcher’s wife, 
 in giving her evidence, repeatedly turned 
 towards the prisoner at the bar, and de- 
 signated him as “ that gentleman.” The 
 Judge at last lost all patience, and exclaimed ; 
 “Old woman, you are become quite offen- 
 sive.” This reminds one of Steele’s speaking 
 of “ Sin as a fine gentleman.” 
 
 THE TWO WATCHES. 
 
 About seventy years ago, there was a 
 fancy for wearing two watches. The Earl of 
 Bridgewater was stopped near Windsor by a 
 footpad, who, after having obtained one 
 watch, demanded the other. “ Why, do you 
 suppose I have another?” “I know it,” 
 said the robber ; “ I observed you cross your 
 hand to your left fob when you gave me 
 this.” 
 
 SLIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott, walking one day along 
 the banks of the Yarrow, where Mungo Park 
 was born, saw the traveller throwing stones 
 into the water, and anxiously watching the 
 bubbles that succeeded. Scott inquired the 
 object of his occupation. “I was thinking,” 
 answered Park, “ how often I had thus tried 
 to sound the rivers in Africa, by calculating 
 how long a time had elapsed before the bub- 
 bles rose to the surface.” It was a slight 
 circumstance, but the traveller’s safety fre- 
 quently depended upon it. In a watch, the 
 mainspring forms a small portion of the 
 works"; but it propels and governs the whole. 
 So it is in the machinery of human life : a 
 slight circumstance is permitted by the 
 Divine Ruler to derange or to alter it; a 
 giant falls by a pebble ; a girl at the door of 
 an inn changes the fortune of an empire. 
 “ If the nose of Cleopatra had been shorter,” 
 said Pascal, in his epigrammatic and brilliant 
 manner, “ the condition of the world would 
 have been different.” The Mahomedans 
 have a tradition, that when their prophet 
 concealed himself in Mount Shur, his pur- 
 suers were deceived by a spider’s web, which 
 covered the mouth of the cave ; Luther might 
 have been a lawjnr, had his friend and com- 
 panion escaped the thunder-storm at Erfurt ; 
 Scotland had wanted her stern reformer, if 
 the appeal of the preacher had not startled 
 him in the chapel of St. Andrew’s Castle ; 
 and if Mr. Grenville had not carried, in 1764, 
 his memorable resolution a3 to the expe- 
 diency of charging “certain stamp duties” 
 on the plantations in America, the western 
 world might still have bowed to the British 
 sceptre. Cowley might never have been a 
 poet, if he had not found the “ Faery Queen” 
 in his mother’s parlour; Opie might have 
 perished in mute obscurity, if he had not 
 looked over the shoulder of his young com- 
 panion, Mark Otes, while he was drawing a 
 butterfly ; Giotto, one of the early Florentine 
 painters, might have continued a rude shep- 
 herd boy, if a sheep drawn by him upon a 
 stone had not attracted the notice of Cimabue 
 as he went that way. 
 
14 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 AN ODD RACE. 
 
 The Herveys, Earls of Bristol, produced 
 go many eccentric characters, that some one 
 said, who was desirous of expressing his 
 sense of the singularities of the family, that 
 “ God made man, woman, and Herveys.” 
 
 PRAYING FOR A PARTNER. 
 
 The Hungarian ladies are passionately 
 fond of dancing. A lady told Mr. Paget 
 that, in her dancing times, she well remem- 
 bered that she never said her prayers for her 
 “ daily bread,” without adding “ and plenty 
 of partners at the next ball, I beseech thee.” 
 
 WHAT IS A GENTLEMAN. 
 
 To tell the reader exactly what class of 
 persons was intended to be designated by the 
 word gentleman, is a difficult task. The last 
 time we heard it was on visiting a stable, to 
 look at a horse, when inquiring for the coach- 
 man, bis stable-keeper replied, “ he had just 
 stepped to the public-house along with an- 
 other gentleman.” 
 
 DR. PARR AT WHIST. 
 
 Dr. Parr had a high opinion of his own 
 skill at whist, and could not even patiently 
 tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being 
 engaged with a party in which he was un- 
 equally matched, he was asked by a lady 
 how the fortune of the game turned ? when 
 he replied, “ Pretty well, madam, consider- 
 ing that I have three adversaries.” 
 
 THE REBEL LORDS. 
 
 At the trial of the rebel Lords, George 
 Selwyn, seeing Bethel’s sharp visage looking 
 wistfully at the prisoners, said, “What a 
 shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners 
 until they are condemned.” 
 
 Some women were scolding Selwyn for 
 going to see the execution, and asked him 
 how he could be such a barbarian to see the 
 head cut off ? “ Nay,” replied he, “ if that 
 was such a crime, I am sure I have made 
 amends; for I went to see it sewed on 
 again.” 
 
 Walpole relates: “You know Selwyn 
 
 never thinks but a la tete tranch.ee? On 
 having a tooth drawn, he told the man that 
 he would drop his handkerchief for the 
 signal. 
 
 a night’s rest. 
 
 Captain Wilbraham, when at a village in 
 Armenia, was crowded into a stable for the 
 night, which resembled Noah’s ark. Children 
 were squalling the whole night through, and 
 two young buffaloes walked over the Captain 
 in the dark! We had such a night of dis- 
 quiet, a few years since, upon a walk across 
 Hampshire. The village inn was “ full,” and 
 we were compelled to seek rest in a cottage, 
 where our bed room partition was only two- 
 thirds of the entire height of the apartment: 
 our neighbour snored most lustily, a child in 
 the house had the hooping-cough, and the 
 father rose at day -break, and killed a pig just 
 under our window ! 
 
 A COOL HAND. 
 
 Robespierre, in making out the list of his 
 victims for the guillotine, wrote down the 
 name of Jean Lambert Tallien with a slow 
 hand, that shaped each letter with a stern 
 distinctness, saying, “ That one head is my 
 necessity /” 
 
 GOOD RIDDANCE. 
 
 A certain well-known provincial bore 
 having left a tavern party of which Bums 
 was one, he (the bard) immediately de- 
 manded a bumper, and, addressing himself 
 to the chairman, said, “I give you the 
 health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that 
 called my Lord out of the room.” 
 
 AN ULTIMATUM. 
 
 A luckless undergraduate of Cambridge 
 being examined for his degree, and failing 
 in every subject upon which he was tried, 
 complained that he had not been questioned 
 upon the things which he knew. Upon 
 which the examining master took off about 
 an inch of paper, and, pushing it towards 
 him, desired him to write upon that all he 
 knew. 
 
 DYSPEPSY. 
 
 A thorough-bred fox-hunter found himself 
 so much out of health a little before the sea- 
 son of this sport began, that he took what 
 was then thought a long journey to consult 
 a physician, and get some advice which he 
 hoped would put him into a condition for the 
 field. Upon his return, his friends asked 
 him what the doctor had said. “ Why,” 
 said the squire, “ he told me that I’d got a 
 dyspepsy. I don’t know what that is : but 
 it’s some d d thing or other, I suppose.” 
 
 GRACE MAL-APROPOS. 
 
 A milliner’s apprentice, about to wait upon 
 a Duchess, was fearful of committing some 
 error in her deportment. She, therefore, 
 consulted a friend as to the manner in which 
 she should address this great personage ; and 
 was told that, on going before the Duchess, 
 she must say her Grace, and so on. Accord- 
 ingly, away went the girl, and, on being in- 
 troduced, after a very low curtsey, she said, 
 “ For what I am going to receive, the Lord 
 make me truly thankful.” To which the 
 Duchess answered, “ Amen !” 
 
 WILKES AND SIR WILLIAM STAINES. 
 
 Sir William Staines, by persevering stea- 
 dily in the pursuit of one object, accumulated 
 an immense fortune, and rose to the state- 
 coach and the Mansion-House. His first 
 entrance into life was as a common bricklayer. 
 At one of the Old Bailey dinners, after a 
 sumptuous repast of turtle and venison, Sir 
 William was eating a great quantity of but- 
 ter with his cheese. “ Why, brother,” said 
 Wilkes, “ you lay it on with a trowel /” 
 
 A son of Sir William Staines fell from a lofty 
 ladder, and was killed ; when the father, on 
 being fetched to the spot, broke through the 
 crowd, exclaiming, “See that the poor fel- 
 low’s watch is safe.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 15 
 
 IRISH DRINKING. 
 
 It is related that, at a roaring dinner of a 
 round dozen of jolly Irishmen, all were ex- 
 tended in due time upon the floor, except 
 two heroes, who drank seven bottles of claret 
 more between them, and beginning then to 
 complain of a great “ chill in their stomachs,” 
 from that thin cold French stuff, finished a 
 bottle of brandy between them, and walked 
 home — somehow or other. 
 
 CLEVER THIEVES. 
 
 At Buenos Ayres, instances have been 
 known of thieves running off with the clothes 
 of the sleeping inmates of the houses, fished 
 through the gratings of the window, by 
 means of one of the long canes of the country, 
 with a hook at the end of it ; in one well- 
 known case, a gentleman’s watch was thus 
 hooked out of his pocket at his bed’s head, 
 and he was but just roused by his frightened 
 wife in time to catch a last glimpse of the 
 chain and seals as they seemingly danced 
 out of the window. 
 
 THE ABSENT MAN. 
 
 The following ingenious trick is said to 
 have been played on old Thornton, the 
 theatrical manager. A bowl of negus, with 
 a plug bottom, which could be withdrawn at 
 leasure, was once put before him ; he filled 
 is wine-glass but once, when the plug (it 
 having been placed on a receptacle on pur- 
 pose) was drawn, and the liquor taken away ; 
 in a minute or two he was about replenish- 
 ing his glass, and saw the bowl empty ; he 
 paused a moment, t hen rang the bell to have 
 it re-filled ; it was, and after he had taken 
 two more glasses full, the trick was repeated : 
 the second time he beheld it empty he gave 
 his nose a long pull, and rubbed his eyes, as 
 jf he doubted whether he had slept or not ; 
 but he ordered a third, and paid for the three 
 bowls, evidently and entirely unconscious 
 that he had not drunk their contents. 
 
 TEMPERANCE CRUETS. 
 
 The late James Smith might often be seen 
 at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at 
 dinner to a half a pint of sherry ; whence he 
 was designated an incorporated temperance 
 society. To do him justice, however, this 
 was not choice ; he diluted it with fre- 
 
 quent tears ; he was restricted, not by vir- 
 tuous sobriety, but by vicious gout, of which 
 he stood, or rather sat, in awe. But for this 
 there would have been no such small bottle 
 of that liquid, to remind the observer of Pope’s 
 Avidien and his wife (Lady M. W. Montague, 
 and her then antiquated spouse) : — 
 
 “ One frugal cruet served them both to dine, 
 
 And pass’d at once for vinegar and wine.” 
 
 The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling 
 member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, 
 observing Mr. Smith to be thus frugally fur- 
 nished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and ex- 
 claimed : “ So I see you have got one of those 
 d d life-preservers I ” 
 
 CHEMICAL ODDITY. 
 
 While an ignorant lecturer was describing 
 the n ature of gas, a blue-stocking lady in- 
 quired of a gentleman near her, what was the 
 difference between oxygin and hydrogin? 
 “ Yery little, madam,” said he: “by oxygin we 
 mean pure gin ; and by hydrogin, gin and 
 water.” 
 
 REAL POVERTY. 
 
 On Sir Sidney Smith’s invasion of the 
 South American coast, in 1808, the Marquis 
 of Alorna returned the following laconic 
 answer to the enemy, the commander of 
 which asked for safe' passage and supplies, 
 wishing at the same time to know if he and 
 his troops would be received as friends or 
 enemies : — “We are unable to entertain you 
 as friends, or resist you as enemies.” 
 
 THE MAKE-WEIGHTS. 
 
 The “ make- weights” in society are im- 
 portant. It has been shrewdly observed of 
 the great Lord Chatham, that he fancied he 
 could make a political clock, which should go 
 by the mere force of the mainspring, without 
 the help of cog-wheel, pendulum, or balance ; 
 the consequence was, that his system, when- 
 ever it was set a-going, ran itself out in a 
 moment. 
 
 A NUISANCE. 
 
 The following letter was intended to have 
 been sent to the “Annoyance July,” by the 
 occupier of the house in the Strand, adjoin- 
 ing that in which the so-called “ Bonassus” 
 was exhibited many years since : — 
 
 « March 28, 1822. 
 
 “Gentlemen, — I am sorry to trouble you 
 but I Am so Anoved By next Door Neigh- 
 bour the Bonassus and with Beasts, that I 
 cannot live 'in my House — for the stench of 
 the Beast is So Great And their is only A 
 Slight petition Betwixt the houses and the 
 Beast are continually Breaking through in to 
 my Different Rooms And I am always loosing 
 my lodgers in Consequence of the Beast first 
 A Monkey made its way in My Bedroom 
 next the Jackall came in to the Yard and 
 this last week the people in My Second floor 
 have been Alarmed in the Dead of the Night 
 By Monkey Breaking through in to the 
 Closset and are Going to leave in Consequence 
 this being the third lodgers I have lost on 
 account of the Beast And 1 have been letting 
 my Second Floor at Half the Rent — And 
 those men of Mr. James are Bawling the 
 whole Day Against My Window — and conti- 
 nually taking people’s attention from My 
 Window — And I am quite pestered with Rats 
 and I Am Confident they came from the 
 Exebition — And in Short the Ingury and 
 Nuisance is So Great as aim st Impossible to 
 Describe But to be so Anoyd By such an Im- 
 poster I think is Yery Hard — Gentlemen 
 your Early Inquiry will 
 
 oblige your Servant — T. W. . 
 
 “N.B. And If I mention anything to Mr. 
 James He ondly Abuses me with the most 
 Uncouth Language.” 
 
16 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 WHIST-PLAYING. 
 
 Charles Lamb said once to a brother whist- 
 player, who was a hand more clever than 
 clean, and who had enough in him to afford 
 the joke : “ M., if dirt were trumps, what 
 hands you would hold.” 
 
 THE DEAF LADY. 
 
 “ Speak a little louder, for I am so absent, 
 that ten to one I shall forget you are speak- 
 ing unless you raise your voice.” This was 
 a subterfuge on the part of the old lady to 
 conceal her deafness. 
 
 THE RETORT LIE. 
 
 Perhaps the best retort upon a lie is to out- 
 wit it, as Galba did, when a courtier told 
 him that he had bought eels in Sicily five 
 feet long. “ That,” replied the Emperor, “ is 
 no wonder ; for there they are so long that 
 the fishermen use them for ropes.” 
 
 TRUE PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 When Alderman Beckford’s fine house at 
 Pont hill, with pictures and furniture to a 
 great value, was burnt, he coolly said : “ Oh ! 
 I have an odd £50,090 in a drawer ; I will 
 build it up again : it won’t be above a 
 thousand pounds apiece difference to my 
 thirty children!” 
 
 MARCH OF INTELLECT. 
 
 A poor woman, said to be ninety years of 
 age, was waiting outside the doors of the 
 Cheltenham Theatre two hours before their 
 opening, having walked eight miles to see 
 “ Jane Shore.” Mrs. M £ Gibbon, who was to 
 have enacted the heroine, deeming such de- 
 votion to the drama madness, asked her 
 dresser, who narrated the circumstance, if the 
 poor creature had her intellects. “ I don’t 
 know, ma’am,” said the girl ; “ she’s gotten 
 summut tied up in her pocket-handkerchief.” 
 
 INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM. 
 
 When the Duke of Wellington was at 
 Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, 
 he was invited to dine with Cambaceres, one 
 of the most distinguished statesmen and gour- 
 mets of the time of Napoleon. In the course 
 of dinner, his host having helped him to some 
 particularly recheche dish, expressed a hope 
 that he found it agreeable. “Yerygood,” 
 said the Duke, who was probably reflecting 
 on Waterloo; “very good, but I really do 
 not care what I eat.” “Good God!” ex- 
 claimed Cambachres, as he started back, and 
 dropped his fork ; “ Don’t care what you eat ! 
 What did you come here for, then?” 
 
 SAFE DIVISION. 
 
 A landowner and tenant having agreed to 
 refer a matter in dispute to a reference, it was 
 agreed that in case it should not thus be de- 
 cided, the matter should be settled, as usual, 
 by an umpire. “Well, be it so, but on this 
 condition,” said the man of wealth, “ that if 
 he cannot make a division, we shall have 
 umpires on both sides.” 
 
 TRUE GENEROSITY. 
 
 A story is told of an Arabian Birkabebt 
 who was so generous, and yet so poor, that, 
 a thief coming into his chamber to steal, and 
 finding nothing, the Arabian called to him 
 as he was going away, and gave him his 
 bed, remarking that “ It was a pity he should 
 go away empty-handed after all his labour.” 
 
 SEEKING A PLACE. 
 
 One morning, scarcely a fortnight after 
 General Jackson’s arrival at the White 
 House, a shabby-genteel looking man pre- 
 sented himself at his parlour, and, after the 
 usual salutation and shaking of hands, ex- 
 pressed his joy at seeing the venerable old 
 gentleman at last hold the situation of chief 
 magistrate of the country, to which his 
 bravery, his talents, and his unimpeachable 
 rectitude fully entitled him. “ We have had 
 a hard time of it,” said he, “in our little 
 place ; but our exertions were unremitting ; 
 I myself went round to stimulate my neigh- 
 bours, and at last the victory was ours. We 
 beat them by a majority of ten votes ; and I 
 now behold the result of that glorious tri- 
 umph !” The General thanked him in terms 
 of studied politeness, assuring him that he 
 would resign his office in an instant if he 
 did not think his election gave satisfaction to 
 a vast majority of the people ; and, at last, 
 regretted his admirer’s zeal for the public 
 weal should have been so severely taxed on 
 his account. “ Oh, no matter for that, sir,” 
 said he ; “I did it with pleasure — I did it 
 for myself and for my country (the General 
 bowed) ; “ and I now come to congratulate 
 you on your success” (the General bowed 
 again). “ I thought, sir,” that, as you are 
 now President of the United State?, I might 
 perhaps be useful to you in some official 
 capacity.” (The General looked somewhat 
 embarrassed.) “ Pray, sir, have you already 
 made a choice of your Cabinet Ministers?” 
 
 “ I have,” was the reply of the General. 
 “Well, no matter for that; I shall be satis- 
 fied with an embassy to Europe.” “ I am 
 sorry to say there is no vacancy.” “ Then 
 you will, perhaps, require a head-clerk in 
 the department of State?” “ These are ge- 
 nerally appointed by the respective secre- 
 taries.” “ I am very sorry for that ; then I 
 must be satisfied with some inferior appoint- 
 ment..’ “ I never interfere with these ; you 
 must address yourself to the heads of depart- 
 ments.” “ But could I not be postmaster in 
 Washington? Only think, General, how I 
 worked for you !” “ I am much obliged to 
 
 you for the good opinion you entertain of 
 me, and for your kind offices at the last elec- 
 tion ; but the postmaster for the city of 
 Washington is already appointed.” “ Well, 
 
 I don’t much care for that; I should be satis- 
 fied with being his clerk.” “ This is a sub- 
 ject you must mention to the postmaster.” 
 “Why, then, General,” exclaimed the disap- 
 pointed candidate for office, “haven’t you 
 got an old black coat?” You may well 
 imagine that the General gave him one. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 17 
 
 POETRY AND GARDENING. 
 
 Walpole telling a nurseryman at Twicken- 
 ham that he would have his trees planted 
 irregularly, the man replied : “ Yes, sir, I 
 understand ; you would have them hung 
 down somewhat poetical 
 
 CUTTING JOKE. 
 
 On the health of the “ Master and Wardens 
 of the Cutlers’ Company” being drunk, a 
 wag whispered to the band, who had played 
 appropriate tunes to the other toasts, to play 
 “Terry, heigho, the grinder /” which was 
 done. 
 
 NATURE AND ART. 
 
 Wilkes called one morning upon a friend 
 who resided in tbe City, and had before his 
 House a few yards square, and two plants, 
 which once resembled lilac, in large tubs. 
 Men were employed in painting the outside 
 of tbe house. “Brother,” said Wilkes to his 
 friend, “suffer me to plead in behalf of them 
 two poor lilacs in the tubs ; pray let them be 
 painted too.” 
 
 A D1SPROVER. 
 
 Mr. Brougham, during his indefatigable 
 canvas of Yorkshire, in the course of which 
 he often addressed ten or a dozen meetings 
 in a day, thought fit to harangue the electors 
 of Leeds immediately on his arrival, after 
 travelling all night, and without waiting to 
 perform his customary ablutions. “ These 
 hands are clean,” cried he, at the conclusion 
 of a diatribe against corruption; but they 
 happened to be very dirty ; and this prac- 
 tical contradiction raised a hearty laugh. 
 
 VAILS TO SERVANTS. 
 
 To such a height had arrived the custom 
 of giving vails, or visiting-fees, to servants, 
 in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon 
 the subject eight letters to the Duke of 
 N , supposed to be the Duke of New- 
 
 castle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Han- 
 way, that, on leaving the house of the Duke 
 alluded to, after having feed a train of other 
 servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into 
 the hand of the cook, who returned it, say- 
 ing, “Sir, I do not take silver.” “Don’t 
 you, indeed!” said the Baronet, putting it 
 into his pocket : “ then I do not give gold.” 
 
 ERROR IN PERSONS. 
 
 Morat, in Switzerland, is celebrated as the 
 scene of the defeat' of Charles the Bold, in 
 1476; and a little chapel, filled with the 
 bones of those that fell, bears this pithy in- 
 scription — “ The army of Charles the Bold, 
 besieging Morat, left this monument of its 
 passage.” On seeing which, a Connemara 
 gentleman observed, that “ they might call 
 him ‘ bold ’ here ; but he was too timid in 
 London, or he never would have popped his 
 head out of Lord Melbourne’s middle window 
 to lay it on the block. Many a time he had 
 looked at it (the window) while knocking 
 his heels at the Horse Guards.” It is useless 
 to explain. Mac confounded the Martyr of 
 England with the daring Duke of Burgundy. 
 
 THE CAT OUT, 
 
 “ For whom were you wreathing these 
 pretty flowers, ma mignonne ?” “For my beau- 
 tiful mamma’s new wig, ma’am.” “ Have I not 
 told you never to use the word wig ? Say hair, 
 always hair.” “ Yes, ma’am.” 
 
 ODD REASON. 
 
 A celebrated wit was asked why he did 
 not marry a young lady to whom he was 
 much attached. “ I know not,” he replied, 
 “ except the great regard we have for each 
 other.” 
 
 VICTOR HUGO. 
 
 When Yictor Hugo was an aspirant for 
 the honours of the Academy, and called on 
 M. Royer Collard to ask his vote, the sturdy 
 veteran professed an entire ignorance of his 
 name. “ I am the author of ‘ Notre Dame 
 de Paris;’ ‘Les derniers Jours d’un Con- 
 damne;” ‘Bug-Jargal,’ ‘ Marion Delorme/ 
 &c.” “I never heard of any of them.” 
 “ Will you do me the honour of accepting a 
 copy of my works ?” “ I never read new 
 
 books.” Exit Hugo ! 
 
 SOLOMON’S TEMPLE. 
 
 When Reginald Heber read his prose poem 
 of “ Palestine ” to Sir Walter Scott, the latter 
 observed that, in the verses on Solomon’s 
 Temple, one striking circumstance had es- 
 caped him ; namely, that no tools were used 
 in its erection. Reginald retired for a few 
 minutes? to the comer of the room, and re- 
 turned with the beautiful lines : — 
 
 “ No hammer fell, no ponderous axes rung ; 
 Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung. 
 Majestic silence,” &c. 
 
 ROYAL BLUNDER. 
 
 Kings and official personages have strangely 
 committed themselves, as well as other people. 
 Think of the Sovereign of Persia, who in- 
 quired what sort of place America was — 
 “ underground, or how ?” and of the greedy 
 he or she who called fish “ congealed water,” 
 and forbade the free eating of it, lest the 
 supply for the Royal table should fall short, 
 George the Second preferred stale oysters for 
 their superior flavour ; and greatly admired 
 Brentford for its resemblance to “ Yarmany.” 
 George the Third was not a whit more 
 shrewd. The day of the last drawingroom 
 of the season had arrived, and an Admiral’s 
 lady (a handsome lady, by the way) was to 
 be presented, but was compelled to leave her 
 gouty husband at home. The King noticed 
 the new Court beauty, and inquired after her 
 lord, and their seat in Leicestershire. “ Fine 
 place, fine place, that — who built it?” “ In- 
 digo Jones, please your Majesty.” “ Indigo 
 Jones, who’s he? — some great blue-maker, 
 I suppose?” “Yes, please your Majesty.” 
 The lady returned home, and reported pro- 
 gress to the Admiral, asking, “ How do you 
 think I managed?” “Why, I’ll be hanged 
 if I know which is the greatest fool, the King 
 or you,” was the churlish reply. 
 
 c 
 
18 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 QUIET THEFT. 
 
 A saddle being missing at a funeral, it was 
 observed, no wonder that nothing was heard 
 of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by 
 a mute . 
 
 AN OBSTINATE CRITTUK. 
 
 “ Halloo ! Ben, let’s go down here to our 
 .church, and view the demolished ruins of the 
 flurricando.” “ Oh ! no, I an’t got no time.” 
 * Wy an’t you got no time?” “ Oh, cause I 
 don’t want to go ?” “ Wy don’t you want to 
 go?” “Oh! cause I can’t.” “Ju3 gib us 
 .reason wy you can’t go.” “Oh! cause I 
 shan’t.” “ Well, why shan’t you?” “Oh! 
 cause I won’t.” “ Ah ! nigger, I see you’ve 
 got de adwantage ob me in dat ere argiment ; 
 dere’s no way ob gittin round you dis ere 
 time — wah, wah, wah !” 
 
 GEORGE II. AND GARRICK. 
 
 When George II. went to see Garrick act 
 Richard III., the only part in the play 
 which interested the King was the Lord 
 Mayor of London ; and when Garrick was 
 attending the Royal party from the box, 
 anxious to hear the King’s opinion of bis own 
 performance, all the compliment from the 
 Sovereign was a high eulogy upon the Lord 
 Mayor. “ I do love dat Lord Mayor,” said 
 the King ; “ capital Lord Mayor ; fine Lord 
 Mayor dat, Mr. Garrick; where you get such 
 capital Lord Mayor ?” 
 
 LOSS OF AN ARM. 
 
 When Nelson visited the Royal Naval 
 Hospital at Yarmouth, after the battle of 
 Copenhagen, he went round the wards, stop- 
 ped at every bed, and to every man said 
 something kind and cheering. At length, 
 he stopped opposite to a bed on which was 
 lying a sailor who had lost his right arm 
 close to the shoulder-joint, when the following 
 short dialogue ensued: — “ Nelson : “Well! 
 Jack, what’s the matter with you ?” Sailor : 
 “Lost my right arm, your honour.” Nel- 
 son paused, looked down at his empty sleeve, 
 then at the sailor, and said playfully, “ Well, 
 Jack, then you and I are spoiled for fisher- 
 men ; cheer up, my brave fellow.” 
 
 THE LADY AND THE AMBASSADOR. 
 
 In what light Ambassadors are held by the 
 ladies in the United States will appear from 
 the following anecdote : — At a dinner-party 
 to which most of the representatives of the 
 greater powers and some of the smaller ones 
 were invited, one of them, a jolly old bache- 
 lor of the English school, attempted a song, 
 which so much gratified the ladies, that it 
 was proposed every gentleman present should, 
 in turn, follow the example. Russia and 
 some other great powers immediately obeyed 
 the summons; but when the turn came to 
 the representative of a new court, he indig- 
 nantly exclaimed, “ Mon Hoi ne m'a pas 
 envoy 6 id pour chanter .” “ Well,” answered 
 
 a lady, “ if you will not sing, we shall ask 
 your gallant King to send us somebody else 
 who will” 
 
 THE RIGHT ORGAN. 
 
 Spurzheim was lecturing on phrenology. 
 “ What is to be conceived the organ of drunk- 
 enness ?” said the professor. “ The barrel - 
 organ,” interrupted Bannister. 
 
 ACCOMMODATING ELOQUENCE. 
 
 Benjamin Constant had such a command 
 of language, that when he chanced to dis- 
 please his audience by an expression, he 
 would go on substituting synonymes till he 
 suited them. For example : “lam anxious 
 to spare the Crown” — at murmur; “the 
 Monarch” — the murmurs continue; “the 
 Constitutional King” — the murmurs are 
 hushed. 
 
 DROLL TO ORDER. 
 
 One evening, a lady said to a small wit, 
 
 “ Come, Mr. , tell us a lively anecdote,” 
 
 and the poor fellow was mute during the re- 
 mainder of the evening. “ Favour me with 
 your company on Wednesday evening, you 
 are such a lion,” said a weak party-giver to 
 a young author. “ I thank you,” replied the 
 wit ; “ but on that evening I am engaged to 
 
 eat fire at the Countess of , and stand 
 
 upon my head at Mrs. .” 
 
 CARTOUCHE. 
 
 Cartouche (the French highwayman), in 
 company with two other “gentlemen,” robbed 
 the coche, or packet -boat, from Melun, where 
 they took a good quantity 7 of booty — making 
 the passengers lie down on the decks, and 
 rifling them at leisure. “ This money will 
 be but very 7 little among three,” whispered 
 Cartouche to his neighbour, as the three con- 
 querors were making merry over their gains ; 
 “ if you were to pull the trigger of your pistol 
 in the neighbourhood of your comrade’s ear, 
 perhaps it might go off; and then there 
 would be but two of us to share.” Strangely 
 enough, as Cartouche said, the pistol did go 
 off, and No. 3 perished. “ Give him another 
 ball,” said Cartouche ; and another was fired 
 into him. But, no sooner had Cartouche’s 
 comrade discharged both his pistols, than 
 Cartouche himself, seized with a furious in- 
 dignation, drew his. “ Learn, monster,” cried 
 he, “ not to be so greedy of gold ; and perish, 
 the victim of thy disloyalty and avarice !” 
 So Cartouche slew the second robber ; and 
 there is no man in Europe who can say that 
 the latter did not merit well the punishment. 
 
 WILKES’S TERGIVERSATION. 
 
 Wilkes may be said to have “ turned his 
 back upon himself,” borrowing an Hiber- 
 nicism of our own times ; and in his soberer 
 years he laughed pleasantly enough at the 
 folly of his quondam dupes. One day 7 , in his 
 later life, he went to Court, when George III. 
 asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, 
 how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn 
 had been one of his most furious partisans. 
 Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, “ Nay, 
 Sire, don’t call Serjeant Glynn a friend of 
 mine ; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your 
 I Majesty knows 1 never was.” 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 19 
 
 TOM SHERIDAN OUT SHOOTING. 
 
 Tom Sheridan was staying at Lord 
 Craven’s, at Benham (or rather Hampstead), 
 and one day proceeded on a shooting excur- 
 sion, like Hawthorn, with only “ his dog and 
 his gun,” on foot, and unattended by com- 
 panion or keeper; the sport was bad — the 
 birds few and shy— and he walked and walked 
 in search of game, until, unconsciously, he 
 entered the domain of some neighbouring 
 squire. A very short time after, he perceived 
 advancing towards him, at the top of his 
 speed, a jolly, comfortable gentleman, fol- 
 lowed by a servant, armed, as it appeared, for 
 conflict. Tom took up a position, and waited 
 the approach of the enemy. “ Hallo ! you 
 sir,” said the squire, when within half ear- 
 shot; “what are you doing here, sir, eh?” 
 “I’m shooting, sir,” said Tom. “Do you 
 know where you are, sir?” said the squire. 
 “I’m here, sir,” said Tom. “ Here, sir ?” said 
 the squire, growing angry; “and do you 
 know where here is, sir ? — these, sir, are my 
 manors; what d’ye think of that, sir, eh?” 
 “Why, sir, as to your manners,” said Tom, 
 “ I can’t say they seem over-agreeable.” “ I 
 don’t want any jokes, sir,” said the squire ; 
 “ I hate jokes. Who are you, sir — what are 
 you?” “ Why, sir,” said Tom, “ my name is 
 Sheridan — I am staying at Lord Craven’s — I 
 have come out for some sport — I have not 
 had any, and I am not aware that I am tres- 
 passing.” “ Sheridan !” said the squire, cool- 
 ing a little, “ oh, from Lord Craven’s, eh ? 
 Well, sir, I could not know that, sir — I — ” 
 “No, sir,” said Tom, “but you need not 
 have been in a passion.” “Not in a passion, 
 Mr. Sheridan !” said the squire ; “ you don’t 
 know, sir, what these preserves have cost me, 
 and the pains and trouble I have been at with 
 them ; it’s all very well for you to talk, but if 
 you were in my place, I should like to know 
 what you would say upon such an occasion?” 
 “ Why, sir,” said Tom, “ if I were in your 
 place, under all the circumstances, I should 
 say — I am convinced, Mr. Sheridan, you did 
 not mean to annoy me ; and as you look a 
 good deal tired, perhaps you’ll come up to my 
 house and take some refreshment.” The 
 squire was hit hard by this nonchalance, and 
 (as the newspapers say), it is needless to add, 
 acted upon Sheridan’s suggestion. “ So far,” 
 said poor Tom, “the story tells for me — now 
 you shall hear the sequel.” After having re- 
 galed himself at the squire’s house, and hav- 
 ing said five hundred more good things than 
 he swallowed ; having delighted his host, and 
 more than half won the hearts of his wife and 
 daughters, the sportsman proceeded on his 
 return homewards. In the course of his 
 walk, he passed through a farm-yard ; in the 
 front of the farm-house was a green, in the 
 centre of which was a pond — in the pond 
 were ducks innumerable, swimming and 
 diving ; on its verdant banks a motley group 
 of gallant cocks and pert partlets, picking 
 and feeding; the farmer was leaning over 
 the hatch of the barn, which stood near two 
 cottages on the side of the green. Tom hated 
 
 to go back with an empty bag ; and, having 
 failed in his attempts at higher game, it 
 struck him as a good joke to ridicule the ex- 
 ploits of the day himself, in order to prevent 
 any one else from doing it for him ; and he 
 thought that to carry home a certain num- 
 ber of the domestic inhabitants of the pond 
 and its vicinity, would serve the purpose ad- 
 mirably. Accordingly, up he goes to the 
 farmer, and accosts him very civilly. “ My 
 good friend,” says Tom, “ I’ll make you an 
 offer.” “Of what, sur?” says the farmer. 
 “ Why,” replies Tom, “ I’ve been out all day 
 fagging after birds, and haven’t had a shot. 
 Now, both my barrels are loaded — I should 
 like to take home something ; what shall I 
 give you to let me have a shot with each 
 barrel at those ducks and fowls — I standing 
 here — and to have whatever I kill ?” “ What 
 sort of a shot are you?” said the farmer. 
 “Fairish!” said Tom, “fairish!” “And to 
 have all you kill?” said the farmer, “eh?” 
 “ Exactly so,” said Tom. “ Half a guinea,” 
 said the farmer. “ That’s too much,” said 
 Tom. “ I’ll tell you what I’ll do — I’ll give 
 you a seven-shilling piece, which happens to 
 be all the money I have in my pocket.” 
 “ Well,” said the man, “ hand it over.” The 
 payment was made. Tom, true to his bar- 
 gain, took his post by the barn-door, and let 
 fly with one barrel, and then with the other, 
 and such quacking and splashing, and scream- 
 ing and fluttering, had never been seen in 
 that place before. Away ran Tom, and, de- 
 lighted at his success, picked up first a hen, 
 then a chicken, then fished out a dying duck 
 or two, and so on, until he numbered eight 
 head of domestic game, with which his bag 
 was nobly distended. “Those were right 
 good shots, sur,” said the farmer. “Yes,” 
 said Tom, “ eight ducks and fowls were more 
 than you bargained for, old fellow — worth 
 rather more, I suspect, than seven sh illi ngs 
 — eh ?” “ Why, yes,” said the man, scratch- 
 ing his head, “ I think they be ; but what 
 do I care for that ? they are none of them 
 mine /” “ Here,” said Tom, “ I was for once in 
 my life beaten, and made off as fast as I could, 
 for fear the right owner of my game might 
 make his appearance— not but that I could 
 have given the fellow that took me in 
 seven times as much as I did, for his cun- 
 ning and coolness.” 
 
 COMPLIMENT TO ROYALTY. 
 
 When the city of Beaune received Louis 
 XIV., he tasted their wine, which his Ma- 
 jesty praised. “Oh! Sire,” said the Mayor, 
 “ it is not to be compared with what we have 
 in our cellars.” “ Which you keep, no doubt, 
 for a better occasion,” replied the King. 
 
 MARRIED WOMEN. 
 
 “Pooh! my dear fellow,” said Lord Has- 
 lingden to a young Captain in the Blues, 
 who was professing his dislike of girls, and 
 his preference for the society of young mar - 
 ried women; “a young married woman is 
 only a girl who belongs to somebody else.” 
 
20 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 A DAY TOO DATE. 
 
 La Fontaine was so absent as to call and 
 visit a friend whose funeral he had attended. 
 He was much surprised at first ; but, recol- 
 lecting himself, said, “ It is true enough, for 
 I was there.” 
 
 COGENT REASON. 
 
 A revolutionary mob having got hold of 
 the Abb6 Maury, resolved on putting him 
 to death. “ To the lantern with him !” was 
 the universal cry. The Abbe, with much 
 sangfroid , said to those who were dragging 
 him along, “Well! if you hang me to the 
 lantern, will you see any the clearer for it?” 
 And the Abb6 was spared. 
 
 NARROW ESCAPE OP LORD CASTLEREAGH. 
 
 The late Lord Castlereagh was fond of field 
 sports, and frequently beat up the Wicklow 
 hills as far as the house of Counsellor Col- 
 back, which, “perched on high, like an 
 eagle’s nest,” looks over the capital. In these 
 sports he was very successful, and was always 
 proverbial for being a remarkably good shot. 
 Returning one evening in July from the 
 mountains, he was accosted by two men, who 
 inquired the hour ; at the same instant one 
 of them seized the double-barrelled fowling- 
 piece which Lord Castlereagh was carrying. 
 The latter drew a pistol from his pocket, and 
 shot his assailant, who immediately fell. A 
 second pistol having missed fire, another 
 ruffian, springing out from an adjacent 
 ditch, rushed, together with the fellow who 
 was still unhurt, upon his Lordship, who at 
 once began to retreat. At this moment, a 
 person, jumping over the gate which im- 
 peded his approach, fired a pistol at one of 
 the robbers, and seizing him instantly by the 
 collar, he, with Lord Castlereagh’s assistance, 
 secured this man, while the other made the 
 best use of his time in running off as fast as 
 possible; and to this movement his oppo- 
 nents did not think proper to offer any ob- 
 struction. The fellow who had wrested the 
 gun from Lord Castlereagh had received a 
 ball in his neck: he was raised from the 
 ground, and his hands, as well as those of his 
 comrade, having been tied behind, their cap- 
 tors conveyed them to Dundrum, where 
 their wounds were dressed. These offenders 
 were found to belong to the liberty of Dub- 
 lin ; and having casually seen Lord Castle- 
 reagh change a two-guinea note at a small 
 public-house, they had determined to com- 
 mit the above-mentioned daring assault, in 
 order to effect the robbery of their proposed 
 victim. It turned out that the person who 
 appeared so opportunely to aid Lord Castle- 
 reagh was Mr. Jennings, a lieutenant in the 
 Navy, then on half-pay. He was returning 
 from a visit when he had the happiness to 
 rescue so valuable a life from the murderers’ 
 hands. Jennings was a brave officer, and 
 well worthy of notice ; and Lord Castlereagh 
 afterwards presented him with a commission, 
 as commander of the Rose cutter, of 14 
 vuns, and gave him £100 for outfit. 
 
 LUXURIOUS SMOKING. 
 
 “ The most luxurious smoker I ever 
 knew,” says Mr. Paget, “ was a young Tran- 
 sylvanian, who told me that his servant 
 always inserted a lighted pipe into his 
 mouth the first thing in the morning, and 
 that he smoked it out before he awoke. ‘ It 
 is so pleasant,’ he observed, ‘ to have the 
 proper taste restored to one’s mouth before 
 one is sensible even of its wants.’ ” 
 
 HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES. 
 
 Horne Tooke having challenged Wilkes, 
 who was then Sheriff of London and Mid- 
 dlesex, received the following laconic reply : 
 “Sir, — I do not think it my business to cut 
 the throat of every desperado that may be 
 tired of his life ; but, as I am at present 
 High Sheriff of the city of London, it may 
 happen that I shall shortly have an oppor- 
 tunity of attending you in my official capa- 
 city, in which case I will answer for it that 
 you shall have no ground to complain of my 
 endeavours to serve you.” 
 
 STAGE BLUNDERS. 
 
 Blunders upon the stage have often re- 
 lieved a dull play ; and it is remarkable, that 
 if one actor stumble, another is almost sure 
 to follow his example. Charles Mathews, if 
 he once blundered in his popular “ At Home,” 
 was sure to make many blunders ; perchance 
 from his habit of imitation. Two of the most 
 celebrated stage blunders once occurred in 
 the comedy of the “Clandestine Marriage;” 
 when one of the characters saw “ a candle go 
 along the gallery with a man in bis hand ;” 
 and another “ locked the key, and put the 
 door in his pocket.” 
 
 MISERIES OF RETIREMENT. 
 
 It is neither so easy a thing, nor so agree- 
 able a one, as men commonly expect, to 
 dispose of leisure when they retire from the 
 business of the world. Their old occupations 
 cling to them, even when they hope that 
 they have emancipated themselves. Go to 
 any sea-port town, and you will see that the 
 sea-captain, who has retired upon his well- 
 earned savings, sets up a weathercock in full 
 view from his windows, and watches the va- 
 riations of the wind as duly as when he was 
 at sea, though no longer with the same 
 anxiety. A tallow-chandler, having amassed 
 a fortune, disposed of his business, and took 
 a house in the country, not far from London, 
 that , he might enjoy himself; and, after a 
 few months’ trial of a holiday life, requested 
 permission of his successor to come into 
 town and assist him on melting days. Th9 
 keeper of a retail spirit-shop, having in like 
 manner retired from trade, used to employ 
 himself by having one puncheon filled with 
 water, and measuring it off by pints into 
 another. A butcher, in a small country 
 town, for some little time after he had left off 
 business, informed his old customers that he 
 meant to kill a lamb once a week, just for 
 amusement. 
 
HAIL WAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 21 
 
 NO BAD RULE. 
 
 “ I never go late to a friend’s dinner (said 
 Boileau) ; for I have observed, that when a 
 company is waiting for a man, they make use 
 of the interval to load him with abuse.” 
 
 SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE. 
 
 A sexton in Salisbury Cathedral was telling 
 Charles Lamb that eight people had dined 
 at the top of the spire ; upon which Lamb re- 
 marked that they must be very sharp set. 
 
 MILESIAN ADVICE. 
 
 “ Never be critical upon the ladies,” was 
 the maxim of an old Irish peer, remarkable 
 for his homage to the sex ; “ the only way in 
 the world that a true gentleman ever will 
 attempt to look at the faults of' a pretty 
 woman, is to shut his eyes” 
 
 foreigners’ blunders. 
 
 Foreigners in England, or Englishmen on 
 the Continent, blunder in due course. Think 
 of the Frenchman who drank half-and-half 
 because porter was too strong ; thinking this 
 mixture “ for the people ” to be half water 
 and half porter. Pasta, by the way, to keep 
 herself in full or wholp voice, drank half- 
 and-half. On the other side, a Scotchman 
 at Bayonne being asked by a fellow-traveller 
 where he was lodging, replied, “ Yonder, at 
 Mr. Bains’ (Baths).” In France, when the 
 theatres are closed, bills are printed with the 
 word “ reldche ” (shut) : a wooden-headed 
 machinist, waiting at Paris for a new spec- 
 tacle, often saw this affiche on the columns 
 of the Palais Royal, and one day observed 
 what a successful piece “ reldche” must be, 
 since it had been so often played while he had 
 been in Paris. 
 
 printers’ blunders. 
 
 Printers’ errata are a very numerous class 
 of blunders, and drolleries too, when we re- 
 member what havoc a single letter may 
 make. We recollect the question, in the 
 Banks’ Committee Evidence before Parlia- 
 ment — “ How many nos(t)es were in circula- 
 tion at that time ?” Now and then, an acci- 
 dent turns out well : as, when the printer of 
 Vincent Wing’s Almanack told his boy, 
 peevishly, to insert “ anything” in the wea- 
 ther culumn of August — “ Snow in harvest,” 
 if he liked ; he did so, the prediction was 
 realized, and the almanack-maker’s fortune 
 secured. Touching literal errors ; a gentle- 
 man wrote to his country servant, telling 
 him to take a card to a friend, and invite him 
 to dinner ; but the valet read cart, and ac- 
 cordingly took that ungentlemanly vehicle 
 across the country for the bidden one ; and 
 the blunder broke up the acquaintance. We 
 remember a piece of drollery in O’Connor’s 
 “Chronicles of Erin.” In the preface the 
 reader is told that the original MSS. on skin 
 rolls were burnt in an accidental fire many 
 hundred years before ; and in the work itself 
 the curious are informed that the originals 
 may be seen at the publishers’ ! 
 
 reasonable fellow. 
 
 A notary-public, being condemned to be 
 hanged for forgery, lamented the hardship 
 of his case; that, having written many 
 thousand inoffensive sheets, he should be 
 hanged for one line ! 
 
 KNIGHTHOOD. 
 
 When Lord Sandwich was to present 
 Admiral Campbell, he told him that, pro- 
 bably, the King would knight him. The 
 Admiral did not much relish the honour. 
 “ Well, but,” said Lord Sandwich, “ perhaps 
 Mrs. Campbell will like it.” “ Then, let the 
 King knight her,” answered the rough sea- 
 man. 
 
 A COMMON CASE. 
 
 Most persons will agree with Charles Lamb, 
 that it is intolerable to pay for articles 
 you have been used to get for nothing. 
 Thus, “ when Adam laid out his first 
 penny upon nonpareils at some stall in 
 Mesopotamia, I think it went hard with 
 him, reflecting upon his old goodly orchard, 
 where he had so many for nolhing.” 
 
 FRIENDLY BANTER. 
 
 Friend Grace, it seems, had a very good 
 horse and a very poor one. When seen 
 riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it 
 turned out that his better half had taken the 
 good one). “What,” said the bantering 
 bachelor, “ how comes it you let your mis- 
 tress ride the better horse ?” The only reply 
 was— “Friend, when thee beest married, 
 thee’lt know.” 
 
 SWALLOWING A WRIT. 
 
 Mr. Serjeant Davy, who lies buried in 
 Newington Church, Surrey, was a most 
 eccentric character. He was originally a 
 chemist at Exeter ; when a sheriff’s officer 
 coming to serve on him a process from the 
 Court of Common Pleas, he very civilly 
 asked him to drink some beer. While the 
 man was drinking, Davy contrived to heat 
 a poker, and then asking what the parch- 
 ment process was made of, and being an- 
 swered, of sheepskin, he told the officer it 
 must eat as well as mutton, and recom- 
 mended him to try it. The bailiff said, it 
 was his business to serve processes, and not 
 to eat them; upon which Davy told him 
 that if he would not eat that, he should 
 swallow the poker. The man preferred the 
 parchment. But the Court of Common 
 Pleas, not then accustomed to Mr. Davy’s 
 jokes, sent for him to Westminster Hall, 
 read him a serious lecture on contempt of 
 their process, and locked him up in the Fleet 
 Prison. From this circumstance, and some 
 unfortunate men whom he met there, Davy 
 acquired that taste for the law which the 
 eating of a process had not given the bailiff ; 
 and when he was discharged from the Fleet 
 he applied to the study of the law in earnest, 
 was called to the bar, made a serjeant, and 
 was for a long time in considerable practice. 
 He died in 1780. 
 
22 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A PIECE OF PLATE. 
 
 A young actor having played a part tole- 
 rably well, Elliston one evening called him 
 into the green-room, and addressed him to 
 this effect : “ Young man, you have not only 
 pleased the public, but you have pleased me ; 
 and, as a slight token of my regard and good 
 wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small 
 piece of plate.” It was, beyond all question, 
 a very small piece, for it was a silver tooth- 
 pick! 
 
 LORD NORTH AND FOX. 
 
 Lorth North, when contemptuously alluded 
 to by Fox, as “that thing termed a Minis- 
 ter,” replied : “ The honourable gentleman 
 calls me a thing , and (patting his ample 
 stomach) an unshapely thing I am; but, 
 when he adds, that thing termed a Minister, 
 he calls me that which he himself is most 
 anxious to become ; and, therefore, I take it 
 as a compliment.” 
 
 HOW TO WIN A KINGDOM. 
 
 Syed Syeed bin Sultan, the Sovereign of 
 Muscat, is one of the most distinguished 
 Princes of Asia. During a long minority, 
 the administration of the Government was 
 confided to an Imam, and uncle of the young 
 Monarch, who was unwilling to resign when 
 his ward became of age ; and, in order to re- 
 move him out of his way, conducted him to 
 a lonely fortress. There the young Sultan 
 was informed by his friends that the Regent 
 aimed at his death ; and, to frustrate this 
 ambitious design, be one evening requested 
 to see his uncle. No sooner was he in his 
 presence than Syed Syeed stabbed him with 
 hi3 khunger. The Regent, wounded as he 
 was, scaled the wall, and, mounting a swift 
 horse, fled. The friends of the young Prince 
 told him that his work was only half done, 
 and that, if his uncle escaped alive, his 
 throne would be insecure. He at once 
 mounted and followed his relative, whom he 
 found stretched beneath a tree, unable to 
 proceed from loss of blood. He there pinned 
 him to the ground with his spear, and, 
 hastening to a neighbouring stronghold, 
 knocked loudly at the gate, and called for 
 assistance, stating that his uncle was dying 
 not far off. Of course, the Regent was 
 found dead. The Sultan returned to his 
 friends, and the next day hastened to Mus- 
 cat, which he reached before the news of the 
 Regent’s death. He immediately summoned 
 the captains of the fortresses, and, when they 
 were all present, he required that they should 
 deliver up their respective commands to such 
 persons as he should name, under pain of 
 immediate death in case of refusal. He ap- 
 pointed successors from his own tribe, and 
 has since observed the same policy in filling 
 all offices in his Government. In this man- 
 ner he obtained possession of the throne, in 
 1807, but held it as a tributary to Sahoud 
 Abdallah, the chief of the Wahabites, until 
 1816. Sahoud was that year subdued, and 
 conducted to Constantinople by the famed 
 Ibrahim Pacha, and there publicly executed. 
 
 DAINTY CRIMINAL. 
 
 A criminal at Oporto, about to be hanged, 
 would not quit the ladder before some liquor 
 was given to him. A cup of wine being 
 brought, before drinking it he blew off the 
 froth. Being asked why he did so, he replied, 
 “ Brother, because new wine is bad for the 
 liver.” 
 
 PROPHECY FULFILLED. 
 
 When Prince Poniatowski was a boy, his 
 mother consulted a celebrated deaf and dumb 
 Bohemian gipsy as to his fate, who recorded 
 on a slip of paper the following laconic pre- 
 diction: “Hiite dich von eirer Elster!” 
 
 (“Beware of the Magpie!”) This augury 
 was not only disregarded, but nearly for- 
 gotten, until its remarkable fulfilment, by 
 the Prince meeting with his death in the 
 river Elster (Magpie), during the retreat of 
 the French army, after the battle of Leipsic, 
 in 1813. 
 
 FBANCO-ENGLISH. 
 
 A French gentleman rescued from a duck- 
 ing in the Thames, and taken to an adjacent 
 tavern, was advised to drink a tumbler of 
 very hot brandy-and-water, and thus 
 addressed the waiter who was mixing it: 
 “ Sir, I shall thank you not to make it a 
 fortnight .” “A fortnight!” replied Joe; 
 “hadn’t you better take it directly?” “ Oh, 
 yes,” said Monsieur ; “ directly, to be sure, 
 but not a fortnight, not two week.” 
 
 ART OF TALKING. 
 
 Curran sometimes mistook his own 
 abundant contribution for that of his com- 
 pany, observing, “ Well, we have had a de- 
 lightful dinner; all were in capital spirits. 
 I never remember to have been more 
 amused.” During all this period Curran 
 himself had been almost the only one who 
 had uttered a syllable ; yet, if uttered, that 
 syllable was merely to keep him in motion ; 
 or, as Burke said of his conversations with 
 Johnson, “only to ring the bell.” 
 
 SIR HUMPHREY DAVY. 
 
 Laybach, in Styria, is interesting to the 
 lover of science for having been the retreat 
 of Sir Humphrey Davy not long before his 
 death ; he resided in a hotel here, and the 
 pretty daughter of the hostess relates several 
 anecdotes respecting him. He was a most 
 indefatigable angler: his extraordinary suc- 
 cess in transferring the trout to his basket 
 procured for him the title of “ the English 
 wizard ;” and the scared peasants, who could 
 never understand by what artificial means he 
 caught the fish, shunned him as if he had 
 been his Satanic Majesty. He spent the 
 greater part of the day in angling, or in 
 geologizing among the mountains ; and ge- 
 nerally passed his evenings in the society of 
 the hostess’ daughter, who made his tea, and 
 was his antagonist at ecarte, or some other 
 light game ; indeed, the “ maid of the inn” 
 played her cards so well, that she secured a 
 handsome legacy from the philosopher in his 
 will. 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 23 
 
 eating olives. 
 
 There is etiquette in eating olives. Card!- j 
 nal Kichelieu is said to have detected an ad- 
 venturer, who was passing himself off as a 
 nobleman, by his helping himself to olives 
 with a fork ; it being comme il faut to use 
 the fingers for that purpose. 
 
 THE LAW’S DELAY. 
 
 A few years ago, a cargo of ice was im- 
 ported into this country from Norway. Not 
 having such an article in the Custom-House 
 schedules, application was made to the Trea- 
 sury and to the Board of Trade ; and, after 
 some little delay, it was decided that the ice 
 should be entered as “ dry goods but the 
 whole cargo had melted before the doubt was 
 cleared up ! 
 
 LARGE AND SMALL. 
 
 Long ago, a certain proprietor in the 
 county of Rutland became very intimate 
 with the Duke of Argyll. One day, in the 
 plenitude of his friendship, he said to him : 
 “How I wish your estate were in my 
 county!” Upon which the Duke replied, 
 
 “ I’m thinking, if it were, there would be no 
 room for yours. ” 
 
 THE FIRST AND BEST BOTTLE. 
 
 Who does not recollect a first bottle of 
 wine, unequalled by its successors? We 
 remember ordering a bottle of Grave at the 
 Tete-de-Boeuf, at Abbeville, which was 
 marked in the carte at three francs. It 
 came — people may talk of Rudesheim, Bur- 
 gundy, and Hermitage, and all the wines 
 that ever the Rhone or the Rhine produced, 
 but never was there wine like that bottle of 
 Grave. We drank it slowly, and lingered 
 over the last glass as if we had a pre- 
 sentiment we should never meet with its 
 like again. When it was done, quite done, 
 we ordered another bottle. But no — it was 
 not the same wine. We sent it away, and in 
 vain — and another — there was no more of it 
 to be had. 
 
 LONG STORIES. 
 
 Captain George Robert Fitzgerald was one 
 day rattling on in an ordinary, in a small 
 town, in Mayo county, when Mr. Garret 
 Dillon, an old story-teller, shouted out: 
 
 “ Captain Fitzgerald, let me ask you this 
 little question— do you intend to pay every 
 man’s club present?” “No, sir,” replied 
 Fitzgerald, “ this is an ordinary, and not my 
 private house.” “Well, then, sir, as you 
 have now for two long hours engrossed the 
 whole talk to yourself, I lay down my watch 
 on the table, and if you attempt to say a 
 word for one hour, I will make it a personal 
 matter with you. George Robert, to the 
 surprise of the company, quietly sumitted to 
 the injunction; the hour passed on ; Dillon j 
 told, as under restraint, some stories in his 
 worst manner; and it was a relief to the 
 company when Fitzgerald, at the expiration 
 of the injunction, with perfect good-humour, 
 commenced to talk as if he had never been 
 interrupted. 
 
 FRENCH LANGUAGE. 
 
 When some one was expatiating on the 
 merits of the French language to Mr. Can- 
 ning, he exclaimed: “Why, what on earth, 
 sir, can be expected of a language which has 
 but one word for liking and loving, and puts 
 a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par : 
 — J’aime Julie ; faime un gigot ! ” 
 
 TELLING one’s AGE. 
 
 A lady, complaining how rapidly time 
 stole away, said, “ Alas ! I am near thirty.” 
 Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, 
 said, “ Do not fret at it, madam ; for you 
 will get further from that frightful epoch 
 every day.” 
 
 CHANTREV’S FIRST SCULPTURE. 
 
 Chantrey, -when a boy, used to take milk 
 to Sheffield on an ass. To those not used to 
 seeing and observing such things, it may be 
 necessary to state that the boys generally 
 carry a good thick stick, with a hooked or 
 knobbed end, with which they belabour their 
 asses sometimes unmercifully. On a certain 
 day, when returning home, riding on his ass, 
 Chantrey was observed by a gentleman to be 
 very intently engaged in cutting a stick with 
 his penknife, and, excited by his curiosity, he 
 asked the lad what he was doing, when, with 
 great simplicity of manner, but with courtesy, 
 he replied, “ I am cutting old Fox’s head.” 
 Fox was the schoolmaster of the village. 
 On this, the gentleman asked to see what he 
 had done, pronounced it to be an excellent 
 likeness, and presented the youth with sia r~ 
 pence, and this may, perhaps, be reckoned the 
 first money Chantrey ever obtained for his 
 ingenuity. 
 
 AMERICANISMS. 
 
 “Well, Abel, what do you think of our 
 native genius, Mister Forrester?” “ Well, I 
 don’t go much to theatricals, that’s a fact ; 
 but I do think he piled the agony up a little 
 too high in that last scene.” The gam- 
 blers on the Mississippi use a very re- 
 fined phrase for “cheating” — “playing the 
 advantages over him.” But, as may be sup- 
 posed, the principal terms used are’ those 
 which are borrowed from trade and com- 
 merce. The rest or remainder is usually 
 termed the balance : “ Put some of those 
 apples into a dish, and the balance into the 
 store-room.” When a person has made a 
 mistake, or is out in his calculations, they 
 say, “ You have missed a figure that time.” 
 Even the thieves must be commercial in their 
 ideas. One rogue, meeting another, asked 
 him what he had done that morning ? “ Not 
 much,” was the reply; “I’ve only realized 
 this umbrella.” * * * * 
 
 There is sometimes in the American meta- 
 phors an energy which is very remarkable. 
 “ W ell, I reckon that, from his teeth to his 
 toe-nail, there’s not a human being of a more 
 conquering nature than General Jackson.” 
 One gentleman said to me, “ I wish I had all 
 hell boiled down to a pint, just to pour down 
 your throat.” — Captain Marry at. 
 
24 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH IN ENGLAND. 
 
 In England the electric telegraphs are in 
 the hands of a private company, which has 
 a practical monopoly of them ; and, as is in- 
 variably the case with all monopolies, com- 
 plaints and remonstrances, well or ill founded, 
 are constantly brought against the establish- 
 ment. 
 
 A central station is established in London, 
 in Lothbury, near the Bank of England. 
 The lower part of the building is appro- 
 priated to the reception of orders and mes- 
 sages. A person desiring to forward a mes- 
 sage to any part of England connected with 
 London by the wires, writes his message on a 
 sheet of letter-paper, provided for the pur- 
 pose, and prepared according to a printed 
 form, having the names and address of the 
 writer, and of the party to whom the mes- 
 sage is communicated, in blank spaces as- 
 signed to them, together with the date and 
 hour at which the message is despatched. 
 The answer is received, accompanied by the 
 date and hour at which the message ar- 
 rived, and at which the answer was de- 
 spatched. 
 
 The tariff of charges for transmission of 
 telegraphic messages differs very much, ac- 
 cording to the destination of the message, 
 and is not strictly regulated by distance. 
 The charge, for example, from London to 
 Dover, is, or was lately, about 6d. a word ; 
 while the charge between Birmingham and 
 Stafford, a greater distance, was something 
 less than 4d. a word. The charge between 
 London and York is 5'4d. per word, between 
 London and Edinburgh 7'8d. per w r ord, and 
 between London and Glasgow 8 4d. per word. 
 
 The room containing the telegraphic in- 
 struments is in the upper part of the build- 
 ing, to which communications by wires are 
 made from a cellar in the lower part, where 
 the galvanic apparatus is deposited. This 
 apparatus consists of a collection of galvanic 
 batteries, having different powers, to be used 
 according to the distance to which the mes- 
 sage is to be transmitted. The wires which 
 communicate between this establishment and 
 the termini of the several railways are in- 
 closed in leaden pipes, which are carried 
 under the streets. There they are connected 
 with the wires supported on poles, with which 
 every railway traveller is familiar, and by 
 which the communication is maintained with 
 different parts of the country. 
 
 It is found that by practice the operators 
 of the telegraphic instruments are able to 
 communicate about twenty words per minute, 
 being nearly at the same rate as ordinary 
 ■writing. 
 
 In the chief telegraphic stations in dif- 
 ferent parts of the country, besides the trans- 
 mission of private messages, a sort of sub- 
 scription intelligence-rooms have been 
 opened, where the subscribers can daily and 
 hourly obtain in common the general com- 
 mercial information which is most in re- 
 quest; such as the state of the stock and 
 share market, and of the money market ; the 
 
 state of the wind and weather at different 
 ports of the kingdom ; shipping and sport- 
 ing intelligence ; the rates of the markets of 
 every description ; and the general political 
 news of most importance. These subscrip- 
 tion-rooms are supplied by the establishment 
 in London, at which a sort of telegraphic 
 editor prepares from the morning papers at 
 an early hour a short abstract of the most 
 important news— the stock market, &c. 
 
 This, when prepared and written out, is 
 sent up to the instrument- room, from whence 
 it is despatched to the various subscription- 
 rooms in different parts of the country. It 
 arrives there by eight o’clock in the morning, 
 and is immediately accessible to the sub- 
 scribers. All news of adequate importance 
 is thus diffused over the kingdom literally 
 with the speed of lightning. Thus the pub- 
 lic in Edinburgh are informed by eight 
 o’clock in the morning of all interesting 
 facts which appear in the London morning 
 journals, which are not issued in the metro- 
 polis until six o’clock. 
 
 The provincial journals also profit by these 
 means of obtaining intelligence, and are en- 
 abled to supply in their columns all im- 
 ortant news as early as it can be supplied 
 y the London journals. 
 
 Whatever be the nature of signal used, 
 the wires which convey the electric current 
 over the country may be constructed in either 
 of two ways : the one, by being supported on 
 poles, as is usual in this country ; the other, by 
 being sunk under ground, like gas or water- 
 pipes. The latter method has some advantage 
 in security, being less liable to be disturbed by 
 ill-disposed persons or by accident. It has 
 been found that the flight of birds has some- 
 times accidentally broken the communica- 
 tion, the birds striking the wire, and breaking 
 or deranging it; violent storms also have 
 occasionally blown down the posts and broken 
 the wares. — From Dr. Lardner’s valuable 
 Railway Economy. 
 
 TAKING WINE. 
 
 The difficulty of getting a glass of wine in 
 the regular way has exercised the ingenuity 
 of mankind. Mr. Theodore Hook was once 
 observed, during dinner at Hatfield House, 
 nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea- 
 shop. On being asked the reason, he re- 
 plied, “Why, Lady Salisbury, when no one 
 else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry 
 with the epergne, and bow to the flowers.” 
 
 LORD BYRON’S PLUM- PUDDING. 
 
 A plum- pudding is hardly ever boiled 
 enough ; a fault which reminds one of a 
 predicament in which Lord Byron once found 
 himself in Italy. He had made up his mind 
 to have a plum-pudding on his birthday, and 
 busied himself a whole morning in giving 
 minute directions to prevent the chance of 
 a mishap ; yet, after all the pains he had 
 taken, and the anxiety he must have under- 
 gone, the pudding appeared in a tureen, and 
 of about the consistency of soup. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 25 
 
 OMELETTE AND LONGEVITY. 
 
 Dr. Hunter, in his “ Culina,” gives the re- 
 cipe for an omelette, the invention of a lady, 
 who had it regularly served at her table 
 three days in the week, and who died at the 
 age of ninety-seven, with a piece of it in her 
 mouth. The doctor adds, that, in conse- 
 quence of this accidental longevity, eggs 
 rose ninety per cent, in the small town of 
 Wells, in North America, where the old lady 
 was born and died ! 
 
 PREACHING TO THE POOR. 
 
 A woman in humble life was asked one 
 day, on her way hack from church, whether 
 she had understood the sermon, a stranger 
 having preached. “Wud I hae the pre- 
 sumption ! ” was her simple and contented 
 answer. 
 
 “ Well, Master Jackson,” said his minister, 
 walking homeward after service with an in- 
 dustrious labourer, who was a constant at- 
 tendant ; “ Well, Master Jackson, Sunday 
 must be a blessed day of rest for you, who 
 work so hard all the week ! And you make 
 a good use of the day ; for you are always to 
 be seen at church ! ” “ Ay, sir,” replied 
 
 Jackson; “it is, indeed, a blessed day: I 
 works hard enough all the week ; and then 
 I comes to church o’ Sundays, and sets me 
 down, and lays my legs up, and thinks o’ no- 
 thing .” 
 
 A CLINCHER. 
 
 Every one remembers the marvellous story 
 of Sir James Thornhill stepping back to see 
 the effect of his painting in Greenwich Hos- 
 pital, and being prevented falling from the 
 ceiling to the floor by a person defacing his 
 work, and causing the painter to rush for- 
 ward, and thus save himself. This may have 
 occurred: but we rather suspect the anecdote 
 to be of legendary origin, and to come from 
 no less a distance than the Tyrol ; in short, 
 to be a paraphrase of a Catholic miracle, un- 
 less the Tyrolese are quizzing the English 
 story, which is not very probable. At Inn- 
 spruck, you are gravely told that when 
 Daniel Asam was painting the inside of the 
 cupola of one of the churches, and he had 
 just finished the handof St. James, he stepped 
 back on the scaffold, to ascertain the effect. 
 There was no friend at hand gifted with the 
 presence of mind, which, by defacing the 
 work, would have saved the artist, as in Sir 
 James Thornhill’s case, and, therefore, 
 Daniel Asam fell backward; but, to the as- 
 tonishment of the awe-struck beholders, who 
 were looking up from beneath, the hand and 
 arm of the Saint, which the artist had just 
 finished, was seen to extend itself from the 
 fresco, and, grasping the fortunate Asam by 
 the arm, accompany him in his descent of 
 200 feet, and bear him up so gently , that he 
 reached the ground without the slightest 
 shock! What became of the “awe-struck 
 beholders,” and why the saint and painter 
 did not fall on their heads, or why they did 
 not serve as an easel in bringing the pair 
 miraculously to the ground, we are not told. 
 
 PROPER FORTUNE. 
 
 Mr. Wellesley Pole used to say that it was 
 impossible to live like a gentleman in Eng- 
 land under £40,000 a year ; and Mr. Brum- 
 mell told a lady how much she ought to allow 
 her son for dress — that it might be done for 
 £800 a year, with strict economy. 
 
 IMPERIAL TOKAY. 
 
 When the Emperor of Austria wished to 
 make a present of some Tokay wine, in re- 
 turn for a pure breed of horses which had 
 been sent to him by the ex- King of Holland, 
 the stock in the imperial Royal cellars was 
 not deemed sufficiently old for the purpose, 
 and 2000 bottles of old Tokay were, there- 
 fore, procured from Cracau, at the extrava- 
 gant price of seven ducats, or £3 5 s. 4d. the 
 bottle ; or, for the whole present, £6533 6s. 8d. ! 
 
 ASTROLOGER OUTWITTED. 
 
 Heggiages, an Arab general, under the 
 Caliph Valid, consulted, in his last illness, an 
 astrologer, who predicted to him his approach- 
 ing death. “ I rely so completely on your 
 knowledge,” replied Heggiages to him, “ that 
 I wish to have you with me in the other 
 world; and I shall, therefore, send you 
 thither before me, in order that I may be 
 able to employ your services from the time 
 of my arrival ; ” and he ordered the head 
 of the astrologer to be struck off, although 
 the time fixed by the pianets had not yet 
 arrived. 
 
 DINNER INVITATIONS. 
 
 Lord Chancellor Erskine would sit upon 
 the bench, and, having sketched a turtle upon 
 a card, with a certain day and hour, would 
 pass it to a friend in court as a dinner invi- 
 tation. 
 
 A City lawyer is related to have carried 
 in his pocket written cards, as follows : 
 — “Turbot and lobster-sauce, sir, at six; 
 shall be happy in having your company ; ” 
 which invitation he handed about very 
 liberally to friends’ friends, &c. He lived 
 like a prince in the country: the usual 
 amount of his maltster’s bill was £700 ; and 
 once he malted the produce of twenty acres 
 of barley of his own growing ; but the bill 
 was not £10 less for that. 
 
 CATCHING CRABS. 
 
 The foxes at the North Cape are so sharp 
 set as to outdo all others of their kind in 
 cunning. Dr. Henderson assures us that 
 having decided, by a mock fight, which is 
 the strongest fox, they advance to the brink 
 of a precipice, and, taking each other by the 
 tail, the weakest descends first, whilst the 
 strongest forms the last in the row, and 
 suspends the whole number till the fore- 
 most has seized the crab on the beach. A 
 signal is then given, on which the upper- 
 most fox pulls with all his might, and the 
 rest assist him ! This story must be bor- 
 rowed from the joke of the Irishmen letting 
 each other down from London-bridge to catch 
 the silver in the Thames. 
 
26 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 DILATORY INCLINATIONS. 
 
 Sir Robert Peel, speaking of Lord Eldon, 
 remarked, that 
 
 “Even his failings lean’d to virtue’s side;” 
 upon which a gentleman observed, that his 
 Lordship’s failings resembled the leaning 
 tower of Pisa, which, in spite of its long 
 inclination, had never yet gone over ! 
 
 A WIG RIOT. 
 
 In the year 1764, when wigs went out of 
 fashion, the wig-makers of London were 
 thrown out of work, and reduced to distress. 
 They then petitioned George III. to compel 
 gentlemen to wear wigs by law, for the bene- 
 fit of their trade. As the wig-makers went 
 in procession to St. James’s to present their 
 petition, it was noticed that most of those 
 persons, who wanted to compel other people 
 to wear wigs, wore no wigs themselves ; 
 and this striking the London mob as very 
 inconsistent, they seized the petitioners and 
 cut off all their hair par force. Upon this 
 Horace Walpole observed, “ Should one 
 wonder if carpenters were to remonstrate, 
 that since the peace their trade decays, and 
 that there is no demand for wooden legs?” 
 
 SUCCESSFUL TACT. 
 
 The elevation of Mr. Labouchere, now a 
 member of the British Cabinet, is rather a 
 singular storjL In 1822, Mr. Labouchere, 
 a clerk in the banking-house of Hope, of 
 Amsterdam, was sent by his patrons to Mr. 
 Baring, the celebrated London banker, to 
 negotiate a loan. He displayed in the affair 
 so much ability as to entirely win the es- 
 teem and confidence of the English banker. 
 
 “ Faith,” said he one day to Baring, 
 “ your daughter is a charming creature : I 
 wish I could persuade you to give me her 
 hand.” 
 
 “ Young man, you are joking ; for se- 
 riously you must allow that Miss Baring 
 could ..ever become the wife of a simple 
 clerk.” 
 
 “ But,” said Labouchere, “ if I were in part- 
 nership with Mr. Hope ? ” 
 
 “Oh! that would be quite a different 
 thing ; that would entirely make up for all 
 other deficiencies.” 
 
 Returned to Amsterdam, Labouchere said 
 to his patron, “ You must take me into part- 
 nership.” 
 
 “ My young friend, how can you think of 
 such a thing ? It is impossible. You are 
 without fortune, and” 
 
 “ But if I became the son-in-law of Mr. 
 Baring ? ” 
 
 “In that case the affair would be soon 
 settled, and so you have my word.” 
 
 Fortified with these two promises, La- 
 bouchere returned to England, and in two 
 months after married Miss Baring, because 
 Mr. Hope had promised to take him into 
 partnership ; and he became allied to the 
 house of Hope on the strength of that pro- 
 mise of marriage. 
 
 SNUFF- TAKING. 
 
 Louis XIV. was a bitter discourager of 
 snuff- taking. His valets were obliged to re- 
 nounce it when they were appointed to their 
 office; and the Duke of Harcourt is sup- 
 posed to have died of apoplexy, in conse- 
 quence of having, to please Louis, left off at 
 once a habit which he had carried to excess. 
 
 MISTAKE3 ABOUT COFFEE. 
 
 Laugh at the doctors who tell you that 
 hot coffee irritates the stomach and injures 
 the nerves. Tell them that Voltaire, Fonte- 
 nelle, and Fourcroy, who were great coffee- 
 drinkers, lived to a good old age. Laugh, 
 too, at Madame Sevigne, who foretold that 
 coffee and Racine would be forgotten to- 
 gether. 
 
 STRIKING REPROOF. 
 
 It being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb 
 had, in a moment of passion, knocked down 
 one of her pages with a stool, the poet 
 Moore, to whom this was told by Lord 
 Strangford, observed : “ Oh ! nothing is more 
 natural for a literary lady than to double 
 down a page.” “ I would rather,” replied 
 his Lordship, “ advise Lady Caroline to turn 
 over a new leaf.” 
 
 UNFORTUNATE COMPARISON. 
 
 Lord Chief Justice Kenyon was conspicu- 
 ous for economy in every article of his dress. 
 Once, in the case of an action brought for the 
 non-fulfilment of a contract, on a large scale, 
 for shoes, the question mainly was, whether 
 or not they were well and soundly made, and 
 with the best materials. A number of wit- 
 nesses were called; one of whom, being 
 closely questioned, returned contradictory 
 answers; when the Chief Justice observed, 
 pointing to his own shoes, which were regu- 
 larly bestridden by the broad silver buckle 
 of the day — “ Were the shoes anything like 
 these?” “No, my Lord,” replied the wit- 
 ness ; “ they were a great deal better, and 
 more genteeler.” The Court was convulsed 
 with laughter, in which the Chief Justice 
 heartily joined. 
 
 CHOPS AND CUCUMBERS. 
 
 One day an epicure, entering the Bedford 
 Coffee-house, in Covent-garden, inquired, 
 “ What have you for dinner, John ?” “ Any- 
 thing you please, sir,” replied the waiter. 
 “Oh, but what vegetables?” The legumes 
 in season were named ; when the customer, 
 having ordered two lamb chops, said, “ John, 
 have you any cucumbers ?” “ No, sir, we 
 have none yet, ’tis so very early in the sea- 
 son ; but, if you please, 1 will step into the 
 market and inquire if there are any.” The 
 waiter did so, and returned ; “ Why, sir, 
 there are a few, but they are half a guinea 
 apiece.” “ Half a guinea apiece ! are they 
 small or large ?” “ Why, sir, they are rather 
 small.” “ Then buy two.” This anecdote 
 has been related of various epicures ; it oc- 
 curred to Charles, Duke of Norfolk, who died 
 in 1815. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 27 
 
 THE LETTER H. 
 
 In a dispute, whether H was really a letter 
 or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill con- 
 tended that it was the former ; adding that, 
 if it were not a letter, it must have been a 
 very serious affair to him, by making him ill 
 ( Hill without H ) all the days of his life. 
 
 GOOSEBERRY CHAMPAGNE. 
 
 Champagne made from gooseberries has 
 often been mistaken by reputed good judges 
 for champagne from grapes. Exempli gratia : 
 Lord Haddington, a first-rate judge of wines, 
 had a bottle of mock and a bottle of real 
 champagne set before him, and being re- 
 quested to distinguish them, he mistook the 
 product of the gooseberry for the genuine 
 article. 
 
 CARVING ACCIDENT. 
 
 An accomplished gentleman, when carving 
 a tough goose, had the misfortune to send it 
 entirely out of the dish, and into the lap of 
 the lady next to him ; on which he very 
 coolly looked her full in the face, and with 
 admirable gravity and calmness, said, “ Ma- 
 dam, I will thank you for that goose.” In a 
 case like this, a person must necessarily 
 suffer so much, and be such an object of 
 compassion to the company, that the kindest 
 thing he could do was to appear as unmoved 
 as possible. The manner of bearing such a 
 mortifying accident gained him more credit 
 than he lost by his awkward carving. 
 
 STOLEN BANK-NOTES. 
 
 The traditions of the Bank of England 
 present rackings of human cunning, all 
 which a little honesty might have saved. 
 Such are the stories of stolen notes. For ex- 
 ample, a Jew having purchased twenty 
 thousand pounds’ worth of notes of a felon 
 banker’s- clerk, the Jew, in six months, pre- 
 sented them at the Bank, and demanded 
 payment ; this was refused, as the bills had 
 been stolen. The Jew, who was a wealthy 
 and energetic man, then deliberately went to 
 the Exchange, and asserted publicly that 
 the Bank had refused to honour their own 
 bills for £20,000 ; that their credit was gone ; 
 their affairs in confusion; that they had 
 stopped payment. The Exchange wore every 
 appearance of alarm; the Hebrew showed 
 the notes to corroborate his assertion ; he 
 declared they had been remitted to him from 
 Holland: his statement was believed. He 
 then declared he would advertise the refusal 
 of the Bank; information reached the di- 
 rectors, and a messenger was sent to inform 
 the holder that he might receive the cash in 
 exchange for the notes. The fact is, the 
 law could not hinder the holder of the notes 
 from interpreting the refusal that was made 
 of payment as he pleased — for instance, as a 
 pretext to gain time, and belief in this would 
 have created great alarm ; all which the di- 
 rectors foresaw — though this was at an early 
 period, when the reputation of the company 
 was not so firmly established as at the pre- 
 sent time. 
 
 WRITING TREASON. 
 
 Horne Tooke, on being asked by a foreigner 
 of distinction how much treason an English- 
 man might venture to write without being 
 hanged, replied, that “he could not inform 
 him just yet, but that he was trying.” 
 
 LIQUEURS. 
 
 The liqueur parfait amour, notwithstand- 
 ing the attraction of its name, is no longer 
 in repute with the ladies : they have adopted 
 Maraschino in its place. Once upon a time, 
 when a certain eminent diplomatist was 
 asked by his; voisine at a petit-souper for a 
 female toast to parallel with the masculine 
 one of “ Women and Wine,” his Excellency 
 ventured to suggest “ Men and Maras- 
 chino ,” and the suggestion received the com- 
 pliment of very general applause. 
 
 LAST HOURS OF THE POET CAMPBELL. 
 
 On the 6th of June, 1844, Campbell was 
 able to converse freely ; but his strength had 
 become reduced, and on being assisted to 
 change his posture, he fell back in the bed 
 insensible. Conversation was carried on in 
 the room in whispers ; and Campbell uttered 
 a few sentences so unconnected, that his 
 friends were doubtful whether he was con- 
 scious or not of what was going on in his 
 presence, and had recourse to an artifice to 
 learn. One of them spoke of the poem of 
 “ Hohenlinden,” and, pretending to forget 
 the author’s name, said he had heard it was 
 by a Mr. Robinson. Campbell saw the trick, 
 was amused, and said playfully, in a calm 
 but distinct tone, “ No ; it was one Tom 
 Campbell.” The poet had — as far as a poet 
 can — become for years indifferent to posthu- 
 mous fame. In 1838, five years before this 
 time, he had been speaking to some friends 
 in Edinburgh on the subject. “ When I 
 think of the existence which shall commence 
 when the stone is laid above my head, how 
 can literary fame appear to me — to any one 
 — but as nothing ? I believe, when I am 
 gone, justice will be done to me in this way 
 — that I was a pure writer. It is an inex- 
 pressible comfort, at my time of life, to be 
 able to look back and feel that I have not 
 written one line against religion or virtue.” 
 Religious feeling was, as the closing scene 
 approached, more distinctly expressed. A 
 friend was thinking of the lines in “ The 
 Last Man,” when he heard with delight the 
 dying man express his belief “ in life and 
 immortality brought to light by the Saviour.” 
 To his niece he said, “ Come, let us sing 
 praises to Christ;” then, pointing to the 
 bedside, he added, “ Sit here.” “ Shall I 
 pray for you?” she said. “ Oh, yes,” he re- 
 plied ; “ let us pray for each other.” The 
 Liturgy of the Church of England was read : 
 he expressed himself “ soothed — comforted.” 
 The next day, at a moment when he appeared 
 to be sleeping heavily, his lips suddenly 
 moved, and he said, “ We shall see * * to- 
 
 morrow,” naming a long- departed friend. On 
 the next day he expired without a struggle. 
 
28 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 NATIONAL VANITY. 
 
 A Frenchman mistook the letters S. M. B. 
 (St. Mary la Bonne) upon the lamp-posts in 
 the Regent’s-park for Sa Majest6 Britan- 
 nique ; observing, “ How proud we ought to 
 feel at this additional proof of the universal 
 adoption of our most civilised language !” 
 
 THE EPICURES TRICKED. 
 
 A roasted turbot was the boast of a party 
 of connoisseurs, who dined at Friceur’s, in 
 1836 ; but a gentleman had the curiosity to 
 ask M. Friceur in what manner he set about 
 dressing the fish. “ Why, sare, you no tell 
 Monsieur le Docteur Somerville (one of the 
 epicurean guests) ; we no roast him at all, 
 we put him in oven and bake him.” 
 
 EFFECTS OF DRUNKENNESS. 
 
 In February, 1847, the coachman of the 
 Marquis of Hastings was directed to drive a 
 gentleman from his Lordship’s residence at 
 Melton- Constable to the railway terminus 
 at Norwich, a distance of about twenty miles. 
 He arrived at Norwicli perfectly safe, and 
 the gentleman proceeded by the next train to 
 London. The coachman, having no one to 
 drive back, instead of staying at Norwich all 
 night with his carriage and horses, deter- 
 mined to go that night as far as Lenwade, 
 midway between Melton and Norwich, where 
 his wife and family lived. Unfortunately for 
 him, he did not keep himself sober in Nor- 
 wich, and started in a somewhat questionable 
 state about eleven o’clock at night. At about 
 five miles on the road, he appears to have 
 fallen asleep, and the horses turned into a by- 
 lane, which ultimately led into a field. Here 
 they seem to have wandered about, with the 
 coachman sleeping on the box, the track of 
 the wheels the next morning showing that 
 the carriage, on one occasion, passed within 
 a few inches of the edge of a deep marl- pit, 
 into which it seemed almost miraculous that 
 they did not all fall. However, they found 
 their way out of the field again, the coach- 
 man probably awaking. Thence they took 
 a direction for Ringland, and attempted to 
 ford a wide watering of the Wensum ; but the 
 immensely flooded state of the lowlands had 
 given a great impetuosity to the stream, and 
 they were carried away by it. The coach* 
 man, on awaking, about four o’clock in the 
 morning, found himself in the midst of these 
 extensive waters — both the horses drowned, 
 and the carriage severed, the fore from the 
 hind wheels. He was dreadfully frightened ; 
 his screams brought up in a short time some 
 of the watch from the game preserves, who 
 rendered all the assistance they could. In the 
 course of the morning the horses were got 
 out, and the carriage also. The coachman 
 was now in the greatest distress, and would 
 probably have done himself some mischief, 
 but for the police, who strictly guarded him. 
 He was taken to Lenwade, and thence driven 
 home to Melton, to tell his sad tale. The 
 horses are stated to have been worth 300 
 guineas. 
 
 THE INVENTOR OF THE JACQUARD LOOM. 
 
 Jacquard was a straw-manufacturer in the 
 city of Lyons ; he was a poor man, and he had 
 received little instruction. During the war 
 with England there was an article appeared 
 in the French Moniteur, which stated that a 
 person in England had offered a large sum of 
 money tc any man who could produce a ma- 
 chine by which a net could be made. This 
 set him to work, and he did get over the 
 great difficulty of producing a machine by 
 which a knot could be tied. The thing was 
 forgotten, till, by some accident, this net was 
 given to the great Emperor Napoleon ; and 
 he was told that a poor man on the banks of 
 the Rhone had solved a very great and diffi- 
 cult problem. Jacquard, in great poverty, 
 one day, and scarcely knowing how to exist, 
 ■was surprised b} 7 the visit of a sergeant ot 
 gens (Tarmes, who knocked at the door. He 
 came down stairs, and the sergeant said, “ I 
 have orders to take you to Paris.” He said, 
 “Who has sent for me at Paris?” He was 
 told, “ Why, you will hear that when you get 
 there. There is a carriage waiting for you.” 
 He said, “ I must send for my wife, and make 
 preparation.” But the sergeant said, “ No ; 
 you must go as you are.” And he was taken 
 to the Palace of the Tuileries, and instantly 
 introduced to two persons — no less distin- 
 guished than Napoleon Bonaparte and his 
 great Minister Carnot. Napoleon said, 
 “ They tell me you say you can tie a knot in 
 a straight string (for that is the art of knit- 
 ting) by a piece of machinery : I don’t be- 
 lieve you.” He continued, “ Now, in order 
 to try you, I will have you locked up in an 
 apartment, and supplied with materials upon 
 which to work, and everything you require 
 to make your machine.” Well, Jacquard set 
 to work so locked up, and constructed a ma- 
 chine ; was covered with honour, continued to 
 direct his attention to mechanieal art, and 
 afterwards produced that machine which 
 bears his name, and which, by merely throw- 
 ing the shuttle across the warp, produces the 
 most beautiful patterns. These machines 
 produced a revolution in French manufac- 
 ture ; thrice the people of the city of Lyons 
 rose upon Jacquard ; twice they attempted to 
 drown him in the Rhone. He withdrew 
 himself from the world for many years, still 
 attempting to be the benefactor of his native 
 land. Opinion changed, however, and before 
 he died he was the recipient of a liberal pen- 
 sion, not only from the city of Lyons, but 
 from the French Government. He died upon 
 the property which was conveyed to him, the 
 grateful gift of the people he” had honoured 
 and elevated ; and when he was carried to his 
 tomb, the city of Lyons declared that his por- 
 trait should be painted and hung in the School 
 of Arts. 
 
 THE DEAD ALIVE. 
 
 A celebrated character one day met a man 
 in the streets crying about his death, when he 
 gave the fellow a tremendous box on the ear, 
 adding, “ Take that, and if I am dead, you 
 will, at least, believe in ghosts.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 29 
 
 KITCHINER AND COLMAN. 
 
 The most celebrated wits and bon vivans 
 of the day graced the dinner- table of the 
 late Dr. Kitchiner, and, inter alia, the late 
 George Colman, who was an especial fa- 
 vourite : his interpolation of a little mono- 
 syllable in a written admonition which the 
 Doctor caused to be placed on the mantel- 
 piece of the dining parlour will never be for- 
 gotten, and was the origin of such a drinking 
 bout as was seldom permitted under his roof. 
 The caution ran thus : “ Come at seven, go 
 at eleven.” Colman briefly altered the sense 
 of it ; for, upon the Doctor’s attention being 
 directed to the card, he read, to his astonish- 
 ment, “ Come at seven, go it at eleven !” 
 which the guests did, and the claret was 
 punished accordingly. 
 
 LIFE INSURANCE. 
 
 Walpole relates the following odd story : — 
 If a man insures his life, killing himself va- 
 cates the bargain. This (as in England 
 almost everything begets a contradiction) 
 has produced an office for insuring in spite 
 of self-murder ; but not beyond three hun- 
 dred pounds. I suppose voluntary deaths 
 were not then the bon ton of people in higher 
 life. A man went and insured his life, se- 
 curing this privilege of & free-dying English- 
 man. He carried the insurers to dine at a 
 tavern, where they met several other persons. 
 After dinner he said to the life-and-deatli 
 brokers, “ Gentlemen, it is fit that you should be 
 acquainted with the company : these honest 
 men are tradesmen, to whom" I was indebted, 
 without any means of paying but by your 
 assistance, and now I am your humble ser- 
 vant.” He pulled out a pistol and shot 
 himself. 
 
 LUCKY SIR ROBERT STRANGE. 
 
 Robert Strange was a North Briton, who 
 served his time to an engraver, and was a 
 soldier in the rebel army of 1745. It so hap- 
 pened, when Duke William put them to 
 flight, that Strange, finding a door open, 
 made his way into the house, ascended the 
 first floor, and entered a room where a young 
 lady was seated at needlework, and singing. 
 Young Strange implored her protection. 
 The lady, without rising or being in the 
 least disconcerted, desired him to get under 
 her hoop. He immediately stooped, and the 
 amiable woman covered him up. Shortly 
 after this, the house was searched. The lady 
 continued at her work, singing as before ; the 
 soldiers, upon entering the room, considering 
 Mis3 Lunsdale alone, respectfully retired. 
 Robert, as soon as the search was over, being 
 released from his concealment, kissed the 
 hand of his protectress; at which moment, 
 for the first time, he found himself in love. 
 He married the lady, and no persons, beset 
 as they were with early difficulties, lived 
 more happily. Strange afterwards became a 
 loyal man, though for a long time he sighed 
 to be pardoned by his King, who, however, 
 was pleased to be reconciled to him, and 
 afterwards knighted him. 
 
 NAPOLEON AND FOUCHE. 
 
 Napoleon sent for Fouche one day, in a 
 great rage, told him that he was a fool, was 
 not fit to be at the head of the police, and 
 was quite ignorant of what was passing. 
 “Pardon me, sire,” said Fouche; “I know 
 that your Majesty has my dismissal ready 
 signed in your pocket.” Napoleon changed 
 his mind, and kept his Minister. 
 
 PIERCING PROOF. 
 
 A Jew once presented himself to the Duke 
 Albrecht of Saxony, and offered him a charm 
 {Knopf) engraved with rare signs and cha- 
 racters, which should render him invulner- 
 able. The Duke, determined to try it, had 
 the Jew led out into a field, with his charm 
 hanging round his neck ; he then drew his 
 sword, and at the first thrust ran the Jew' 
 through ! 
 
 A PUN OF A DISH. 
 
 It was suggested to a distinguished gourmet 
 what a capital thing a dish all fins (turbot’s 
 fins) might be made. “Capital,” said he, 
 “dine on if with me to-morrow.” “Ac- 
 cepted.” Would you believe it? when the 
 cover was removed, the sacrilegious dog of 
 an Amphytrion had put into the dish, 
 “ Cicero, Be f nibus.” “ There is a work all 
 fins,” said he. 
 
 PLAIN PEOPLE. 
 
 Plain men, nay, even ugly little fellows, 
 have met with tolerable success among the 
 fair. Wilkes’s challenge to Lord Townshend 
 is well known : “Your Lordship is one of the 
 handsomest men in the kingdom, and I am 
 one of the ugliest ; yet, give me but half an 
 hour’s start, and I will enter the lists against 
 you with any woman you choose to name, 
 because you will omit attentions, on account 
 of your fine exterior, which I shall double, 
 on account of my plain one.” He used to 
 say that it took him half an hour just to talk 
 away his face. He was so exceedingly ugly, 
 that a lottery-office-keeper once offered him 
 ten guineas not to pass his window whilst 
 the tickets were drawing, for fear of his 
 bringing ill-luck upon the house. Balzac 
 says that ugliness signifies little, provided it 
 be a laideur interessante. Mirabeau’s, for 
 example, who desired a female correspondent, 
 who had never seen him, and was anxious to 
 form some notion of his face, to fancy a tiger 
 marked with the small-pox ! 
 
 ECCENTRIC AUTOGRAPH. 
 
 Baron Garrow once observed at Monmouth, 
 that a respected friend of his, in the city of 
 London, would sign his name on the outside 
 of letters in such a way as to defy the skill 
 of every man in the court, even if assisted 
 by the greater sagacity of the other sex, in 
 finding out what his signature could possibly 
 be meant for. The post-office clerks, indeed, 
 knew that a certain number of straight 
 strokes, up and down, meant W. Curtis ; but, 
 probably, that was not because they could 
 read the signature, but because nothing else 
 at all like it ever came there. 
 
30 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 AMERICAN ODDITY. 
 
 The Americans have strange names for 
 their settlements. Mr. John Davis, when 
 travelling in “ the States,” met a lad in the 
 wilderness, and asked him, “How far, my 
 boy, is it to Frying-Pan?” The boy replied, 
 “ You be in the Pan now.” 
 
 TRUE CONSOLATION. 
 
 When Dancourt, the playwright, produced 
 a new piece, if it were unsuccessful, to con- 
 sole himself he would sup with a few friends 
 at a tavern near the theatre, known by the 
 sign of the Cat and Pipes. One morning, 
 after the rehearsal of a comedy which was to 
 oe performed for the first time that evening, 
 he asked one of his daughters, not ten years 
 of age, how she liked the piece ? “ Oh, 
 
 papa,” replied the girl, “you’ll sup at the 
 Cat and Pipes to-night.” 
 
 PYTHAGOREANS. 
 
 An amiable enthusiast, a worshipper of 
 nature after the manner of Rousseau, being 
 melted into feelings of universal philanthropy 
 by the softness and serenity of a spring 
 morning, resolved, that for that day, at least, 
 no injured animal should pollute his board ; 
 and having recorded his vow, he walked six 
 miles to a hamlet famous for fish dinners, 
 where, without an idea of breaking his sen- 
 timental engagement, he regaled himself on 
 a small matter of crimped cod and. oyster 
 sauce. This reminds one of a harmless piece 
 of quizzing in a critic, stating, that although 
 the Pythagorean Sir Richard Phillips would 
 not eat animal food, he was addicted to gravy 
 over his potatoes. 
 
 LOST BANK OF ENGLAND NOTES. 
 
 Of lost notes there are some entertaining 
 narratives. Thus, in 1740, a Bank director 
 lost a £30,000 Bank-note, which he was per- 
 suaded had fallen from the chimney-piece of 
 his room into the fire. The Bank directors 
 gave the loser a second bill, upon his agree- 
 ment to restore the first bill, should it ever 
 be found, or to pay the money itself, should 
 it be presented by any stranger. About 
 thirty years after this had occurred, the 
 director having been long dead, and his heirs 
 in possession of his fortune, an unknown per- 
 son presented the lost bill at the Bank, and 
 demanded payment. It was in vain that 
 they mentioned to this person the transaction 
 by which the bill was annulled ; he would 
 got listen to it ; he maintained that it had 
 come to him from abroad, and insisted upon 
 immediate payment. The note was payable 
 to bearer ; and the thirty thousand pounds 
 were paid him. The heirs of the director 
 would not listen to any demands of restitu- 
 tion, and the Bank was obliged to sustain the 
 loss. It was discovered afterwards that an 
 architect having purchased the director’s 
 house, had taken it down, in order to budd 
 another upon the same spot, had found the 
 note in a crevice of the chimney, and made 
 his discovery an engine for robbing the Bank. 
 
 PLEASURES OF A CROWD. 
 
 “ Pray, sir,” said a person who had pre- 
 viously been the backmost of a crowd, to 
 another who had just joined it ; “ pray, sir, 
 have the kindness not to press upon me ; it 
 is unnecessary, since there is no one behind 
 to press upon you !” “ But there may be 
 presently,” said the other ; “ besides, sir, 
 where’s the good of being in a crowd, if one 
 mayn’t shove?” 
 
 LENGTH OF THE LAW. 
 
 Some faint idea of the bulk of the English 
 records may be obtained by adverting to the 
 fact, that a single statute, the Land Tax Com- 
 missioners’ Act, passed in the first year of the 
 reign of George IV., measures, when unrolled, 
 upwards of 900 feet, or nearly twice the 
 length of St. Paul’s Cathedral, within the 
 doors ; and if ever it should become necessary 
 to consult the fearful volume, an able-bodied 
 man must be employed during three hours in 
 coiling and uncoiling its monstrous folds ! 
 
 “there’s A LANGUAGE THAT’S MUTE.” 
 
 A gentleman, one Sunday morning, was 
 attracted to watch a young country girl on 
 the high-road from the village to the church, 
 by observing that she looked hither and 
 thither, this way and that, upon the road, as 
 if she bad lost her thimble. The bells were 
 settling for prayers, and there was no one 
 visible on the road except the girl and the 
 gentleman, who recognised in her the errand- 
 maid of a neighbouring farmer. “ What are 
 you looking for, my girl ?” asked the gentle- 
 man, as the damsel continued to pore along 
 the dusty road. She answered, gravely: 
 “Sir, I’m looking to see if my master begone 
 to church.” Now her master had a wooden leg. 
 
 THE FIRST FORGED BANK OF ENGLAND 
 NOTE 
 
 The day on which a forged note was pre- 
 sented at the Bank of England forms a me- 
 morable era in its history. For sixty-four 
 yearn the establishment had circulated its 
 paper with freedom ; and, during this period, 
 no attempt had been made to imitate it. He 
 who takes the initiative in a new line of 
 wrongdoing, has more than the simple act to 
 answer for ; and to Richard William Vaughan, 
 a Stafford linendraper, belongs the melan- 
 choly celebrity of having led the van in this 
 new phase of crime, in the year 1758. The 
 records of his life do not show want, beggary, 
 or starvation urging him, but a simple desire 
 to seem greater than he was. By one of the 
 artists employed, and there were several en- 
 gaged on different parts of the notes, the dis- 
 covery was made. The criminal had filled 
 up to the number of twenty, and deposited 
 them in the hands of a young lady to whom 
 he was attached, as a proof of his wealth. 
 There is no calculating how much longer 
 Bank-notes might have been free from imi- 
 tation, had this man not shown with what 
 ease they might be counterfeited. From this 
 period forged notes became common. 
 
KAILWAY anecdote book. 
 
 31 
 
 SIB WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE. 
 
 Scott is known to have profited much by 
 Constable’s bibliographical knowledge, which 
 was very extensive. The latter christened 
 « Kenilworth,” which Scott named “ Cum- 
 nor Hall.” John Ballantvne objected to the 
 former title, and told Constable the result 
 would be “something worthy of the kennel 
 but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Ca- 
 dell relates that Constable’s vanity boiled 
 over so much at this time, on having his sug- 
 gestions gone into, that, in his high moods, 
 he used to stalk up and down his room, and 
 exclaim, “ By Jove, I am all but the author 
 of the Waverley Novels !” 
 
 LOKD CASTLEREAGH AND THE IRISH 
 LABOURER. 
 
 Upon a certain occasion, as Lord Castle- 
 reagh was passing slowly and thoughtfully 
 from an interview with Kmg George IY. at 
 Carlton House, to his own residence in St. 
 James’s-square, he was met by an Irish la- 
 bourer, who, with his hod reversed, seemed 
 as if prepared to attend the funeral of his 
 own hopes. “Long life to your honor!” 
 said Pat, in a peculiarly melancholy tone. 
 Lord C. raised his eye. Pat took "off his 
 apology for a hat, made his bow, and re- 
 peated, “ Musha, then, long life to your ho- 
 nor’s Lordship ! ” There was something 
 singular in the man’s appearance and address ; 
 and Lord Castlereagh, half-hesitating, half- 
 advancing, fixed his eyes upon him with a 
 kindliness of look which induced Pat to go 
 on: “God be with the days, your honor, 
 when you used to be fishing in the Lough !” 
 “ What Lough, my good fellow ?” “ Lough 
 Poyle, to be sure, your honor !” “ Why, 
 
 were you ever there ?” “ May be I wasn’t, 
 
 plase your honor, when I u.?ed to help to 
 push your honor’s boat off ; and when, may 
 God for ever bless you for it ! wonst (once) 
 when I tumbled in, neck and crop, you 
 pulled me out by the nape of the neck. Och ! 
 faith, I remember it,” added the poor fellow 
 with a smile ; “ and if it hadn’t been for your 
 honor’s Lordship, I’d have been as dead as a 
 herring, sure enough !” “ Ay, well, what’s 
 
 your name?” “Bill Brady, to be sure.” 
 “ Oh, I remember something about you ; but 
 what brought you here?” “ Och, like many 
 others, I came to seek my fortune, but the 
 devil a much luck I have had yet.” “ Are 
 you in employment?” “No, faith, I am 
 not ; but I’m promised a job next Monday, 
 plase God.” “ Well, Bill, I am always glad 
 to see my old acquaintance, and here is some- 
 thing to drink success to olden times,” hand- 
 ing poor Pat a couple of sovereigns. Lord Cas- 
 tlereagh then hastened on ; whilst Pat kept 
 his hand open, alternately looking at the so- 
 vereigns and the donor : the tear of gratitude 
 at length trickled down his lime- coloured 
 cheek, and, after a moment taken to suppress 
 the swelling of his surcharged heart, he 
 shouldered his hod, and, in a sort of ecstacy, 
 exclaimed, as he turned away, “ Well, you’re 
 the ould thing, after all !” 
 
 NOVEL PICKPOCKET. 
 
 A gentleman who saw Wilkes’s carriage 
 drawn by men (the horses being taken off), 
 complained to the Lord Mayor that he had 
 lost his handkerchief in the crowd. “ Very 
 possibly,” said his Lordship ; “ I fancy one 
 of Wilkes’s coach-horses has picked your 
 pocket.” 
 
 AN ODD TRICK. 
 
 A cunning Welsh squire, a zealous diner- 
 out, had the following not unfair bait for 
 those who swallowed it : — “ I have a little 
 book at home,” he would say slyly, in a cor- 
 ner, to such of his friends as had venison, or 
 game, or any other good things to be eaten, 
 “ and in that little book is your name.” He 
 died, however, without making a will, at the 
 age of eighty-six. 
 
 SMOKING ODDITY. 
 
 A coffee-house keeper of Vienna hit upon 
 the following eccentric means of attracting 
 customers. He had a china pipe-bowl sus- 
 pended over a large circular table, of such, 
 gigantic dimensions as to be capable of con- 
 taining a pound of tobacco, and supplied with 
 a sufficient number of tubes to accommodate 
 thirty persons at one time. The novelty 
 succeeded; the coffee-house was constantly 
 crowded, and the landlord subsequently 
 transformed his pipe-bowl into a chariot. 
 
 THE BEST KNOCK, 
 
 Lord Erskine always directed his tiger to 
 knock at the door where he intended to call 
 with a postman’s knock; his Lordship re- 
 marking, that he had long observed servants 
 always more punctually answered knocks of 
 that kind than any other. 
 
 AMERICAN NEWSPAPERS. 
 
 Captain Marryat quotes the following 
 paragraph as a specimen of the raw material 
 of American newspapers: — “Many who 
 have acquired great fame and celebrity in 
 the world began their career as printers. 
 Sir William Blackstone, the learned English 
 commentator on laws, was a printer by trade. 
 King Charles III. ( ! ) was a printer, and 
 not unfrequently worked at the trade after 
 he had ascended the throne of England.” 
 
 A VEAL DINNER. 
 
 Theodore Hook, in his “ Gilbert Gurney,” 
 describes an odd dinner of which he partook 
 in the west of England. The soup was a 
 nice sort of veal broth ; at the bottom of the 
 table was a roast loin of veal ; at the top, 
 half a calf’s head : there were four entrees — 
 veal patties, veal collops, calf’s brains, and 
 calf’s tongue. One of the guests, who hated 
 veal, apparently waited for the second course ; 
 when the fair hostess apologised: “ We have 
 no second course ; the tact is, we killed a calf 
 the day befoi e yesterday, and we are such 
 prudent managers, that we make a point 
 of eating it up while it is good, and 
 nice and fresh, before we begin upon any- 
 thing else.” 
 
32 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 WELLINGTON AT WATERLOO. 
 
 The Duke of Wellington, during the 
 whole engagement, displayed the greatest 
 talent and the soundest views, and set a 
 brilliant example of presence of mind, 
 courage, and confidence. His system of tac- 
 tics was admirable, and his plans, fully car- 
 ried out, were eminently successful ; he never 
 for a moment doubted of victory, expressing 
 at all times to the officers his confidence in 
 the result, founded on his knowledge of the 
 bravery of the British troops he commanded. 
 He had already acquired immortality in the 
 Peninsula, by proving that the French army 
 was not invincible, and he had with him a 
 portion of the troops he had before led to 
 victory, who had unlimited confidence in 
 their General. “ I know both my own troops 
 and those with whom they are to fight,” was 
 his expression. Never did a battle require 
 more stoic fortitude from beginning to end, for 
 the day frequently bore a serious and even 
 alarming aspect; British endurance alone 
 could have supported it. When applied to 
 for a short relief for the remnant of the 83rd 
 Regiment, his reply was, “ Everything de- 
 pends on the firm countenance and unrelaxed 
 steadiness of the British — they must not 
 move.” All who heard him issue orders 
 took confidence from his undaunted compo- 
 sure; when near a tree, the balls flying 
 round him, he remarked with a smile, “ That 
 is good practice : I think they fire better 
 than they did in Spain.” Wherever danger 
 was most prominent, there he was to be 
 found, exposing himself to the hottest fire of 
 the enemy with a freedom that made all 
 tremble for his life: and it is remarkable 
 that whilst his staff fell man by man at his 
 side, he did not receive the slightest wound. 
 He directed every movement, and headed in 
 person several charges. He threw himself 
 into the centre of squares charged by the 
 enemy’s cavalry, encouraging the officers by 
 his directions, and cheering the nearly ex- 
 hausted men by some words of encourage- 
 ment. To the 95th, when expecting a 
 charge, he said, “ Stand fast, 95th ! we must 
 not be beaten, my friends : what will they say 
 of us in England?” And to another regiment, 
 “ Hard pounding this, gentlemen, but we’ll 
 see who can pound longest.” Every- 
 where he was enthusiastically received, but 
 with repeated crie3 for permission to charge. 
 “ Not yet, my brave fellows ; be firm a little 
 longer — you shall have at them by and by.” 
 The Duke’s return to Waterloo across the 
 field of battle, where so many of his former 
 friends and companions in arms lay mangled 
 and lifeless, was a period of deep emotion : 
 his feelings were overpowered, and he was 
 observed to shed tears. “My heart,” he 
 feelingly writes, “ is broken by the terrible 
 loss I have sustained in my old friends and 
 companions, and my poor soldiers. Believe 
 me, nothing, excepting a battle lost, can be 
 half so melancholy as a battle won ; the 
 bravery of my troops has hitherto saved me 
 from the greater evil ; but to win such a 
 
 battle as this of Waterloo, at the expense c? 
 so many gallant friends, could only be termed 
 a heavy misfortune, but for the result to the 
 public.” 
 
 THE FIRST LONDON BANKER. 
 
 The celebrity of the first banking-house 
 belongs, by common consent, to Mr. Francis 
 Child. This gentleman, who wa3 the father 
 of his profession, and possessed of large pro- 
 perty, began business shortly after the Re- 
 storation. He was originally apprentice to 
 William Wheeler, goldsmith and banker, 
 whose shop was on the site of the present 
 banking-house. The foundation of his im- 
 portance arose from the good old fashion 
 of marrying bis master’s daughter ; and, 
 through this, he succeeded to the estate and 
 business. The latter he subsequently confined 
 entirely to the banking department. "The prin- 
 ciples on which he founded it, and the re- 
 markable clause in his will by which he 
 regulated its future conduct, are well known. 
 It has maintained to the present day, amid 
 all the chances and changes of banking, the 
 same position, and the same respectability, 
 which he bequeathed it. 
 
 VICISSITUDES OF MINING. 
 
 Humboldt relates of a Frenchman, Joseph 
 Laborde, that he went to Mexico, very poor, 
 in 1743, and acquired a large fortune in a very 
 short time, by the mine of La Canada. After 
 building a church at Tasco, which cost him 
 £84,000, he was reduced to the lowest poverty, 
 by the rapid decline of those very mines 
 from which he had annually drawn from 
 130,000 to 190,000 pounds weight of silver. 
 With a sum of £20,000, raised by selling a 
 sun of solid gold, which, in his prosperity, 
 he had presented to the church, and which 
 he was allowed by the Archbishop to with- 
 draw, he undertook to clear out an old mine, 
 in doing which he lost the greatest part of 
 the produce of this golden sun, and then 
 abandoned the work. With the small sum 
 remaining, he once more ventured on another 
 undertaking, which was, for a short time, 
 highly productive ; and he left behind him, 
 at his death, a fortune of £120,000. 
 
 LINCOLN ’s-INN DINNERS. 
 
 On the evening of the coronation- day of 
 our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lin- 
 coln’s Inn gave the students a feed ; when a 
 certain profane wag, in giving out a verse 
 of the National Anthem, which he was soli* 
 cited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity 
 of Stating a grievance as to the modicum 
 of port allowed, in manner and form follow- 
 ing:— 
 
 “ Happy and glorious” — 
 
 'Three half-pints 'rnong four of us, 
 Heaven send no more of us, 
 
 God save the Queen ! 
 
 which ridiculous perversion of the author’s 
 meaning was received with a full chorus, 
 amid tremendous shouts of laughter and ap- 
 plause. 
 
railway anecdote book. 
 
 33 
 
 ROYAL OPINION. 
 
 Mr. Lambton, Lord Durham’s brother, 
 dined at Buckingham Palace, and was talking 
 with Lord Melbourne, over Lord Mulgrave’s 
 “ private theatricals,” when, the Royal atten- 
 tion being attracted, her Majesty was pleased 
 to ask what sort of an actor Lord Mulgrave 
 was? “Oh! very bad, very bad indeed,” 
 was the Premier’s reply. “ And so I should 
 think,” was her Majesty’s gracious rejoinder. 
 
 THEODORE HOOK AT OXFORD. 
 
 Hook having been duly entered at Oxford, 
 lie was placed under the charge of his 
 brother, and presented by him to the Vice- 
 Chancellor, Dr. Parsons, head of Baliol, 
 and afterwards Bishop of Peterborough, for 
 “matriculation.” The ceremony was well 
 nigh stopped in limine, in consequence of a 
 piece of facetiousness on the part of the can- 
 didate — ill-timed, to say the least of it. On 
 being asked if he was prepared to subscribe 
 to the Thirty-nine Articles ? “ Oh, certainly, 
 sir,” replied Theodore, “forty, if you please.” 
 The horror of the Vice-Chancellor may be 
 imagined. The young gentleman was desired 
 to withdraw ; and it required all the interest 
 of his brother, who, fortunately, happened to 
 be a personal friend of Dr. Parsons, to induce 
 the latter to overlook the offence. The joke, 
 such as it is, was probably picked up out of 
 one of Foote’s farces, who makes Mrs. Simony, 
 if we mistake not, say, when speaking of her 
 husband, the Doctor (intended for the unfor- 
 tunate Dr. Dodd), “ He believes in all the 
 Thirty-nine Articles ; ay, and so he would if 
 there were forty of them.” 
 
 We have heard another instance of Oxford 
 impudence attributed to Hook, but not, as in 
 the preceding case, from his own lips, nor 
 will we venture to vouch for its authenticity. 
 On the evening of his arrival at the Univer- 
 sity (says the narrator), he contrived to give 
 his brother the slip, and joined a party of old 
 school-fellows in a carouse at one of the 
 taverns. Sundry bowls of “ bishop,” and of 
 a popular compound yclept “ egg-flip” — the 
 Cambridge men call it “ silky to the nondum 
 yraduati of Oxford it is known by a nomen 
 accidentale which we have forgotten — having 
 been discussed ; songs, amatory and baccha- 
 nalian, having been sung with full choruses ; 
 and, altogether, the jocularity having begun 
 to pass “ the limit of becoming mirth,” the 
 Proctor made his appearance ; and, advancing 
 to the table at which the “ freshman” — so in 
 every sense of the word — was presiding, put 
 the usual question, “Pray, sir, are you a 
 member of this University?” “No, sir,” 
 replied Hook, rising and bowing respectfully ; 
 “pray, sir, are you?” A little disconcerted 
 at the extreme gravity of the other, the 
 Proctor held out his ample sleeve — “You see 
 this, sir?” “Ah!” returned Hook, having 
 examined the fabric with great earnestness 
 for a few seconds, “ yes, I perceive ; Man- 
 chester velvet : and may I take the liberty, 
 sir, of enquiring how much you might have 
 paid per yard for the article ?” The quiet 
 
 imperturbability of manner with which this 
 was uttered was more than the rev. gentle- 
 man could stand ; and, muttering something 
 about “supposing it was a mistake,” he 
 effected a retreat, amid shouts of laughter 
 from Hook’s companions, in which the other 
 occupants of the coffee-room, the waiters, and 
 even his own “ bull-dogs,” were constrained 
 to join. 
 
 DELICATE HINT. 
 
 The Princess of Wales, in one of her 
 shrewd letters, says, “ My better half, or my 
 worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear, 
 but nothing to make me hope or fear.” 
 
 LOUIS XIV. AND CONDE. 
 
 Louis, when he heard of the arrival of 
 Conde at Versailles, after his last victory, 
 paid him the high honour of coming to the 
 top of the principal staircase to meet him. 
 Conde, scarcely able to mount the steps at 
 all (for he was suffering severely from the 
 gout), besought the Monarch to pardon him 
 for making him wait. “ Cousin,” replied the 
 King with a smile, “ when one is so loaded 
 with laurels, it is, of course, difficult to walk.” 
 
 SHERIDAN’S “ PIZARRO.” 
 
 Mr. Pitt was accustomed to relate, very 
 pleasantly, an amusing anecdote, of a total 
 breach of memory in some Mrs. Lloyd, a 
 lady, or nominal housekeeper of Kensington 
 Palace: — “Being in company,” he said, 
 “with Mr. Sheridan, without recollecting 
 him, while ‘ Pizarro’ was the topic of discus- 
 sion, she said to him, ‘and so this fine 
 “Pizarro” is printed?’ ‘Yes, so I hear,’ said 
 Sherry. ‘ And did you ever in your life read 
 such stuff ?’ cried she. ‘ Why, I believe it’s 
 bad enough,’ quoth Sherry ; ‘ but, at least. 
 Madam, you must allow it’s very loyal!’ 
 ‘ Ah ! ’ cried she, shaking her head, ‘ loyal ? 
 You don’t know its author as well as I do.’ ” 
 
 TRUE TO THE TEXT. 
 
 A curious instance of this occurred some 
 years ago, at the termination of the tragedy 
 of “ Richard the Third.” Mr. Elliston was 
 enacting the part of Richmond ; and having, 
 during the evening, disobeyed the injunction 
 which the King of Denmark lays down to the 
 Queen, “Gertrude, do not drink,” he ac- 
 costed Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord 
 Stanley (for the safety of whose son Rich- 
 mond is naturally anxious), thus, on his 
 entry, after the issue of the battle : — 
 
 Elliston (as Richmond ). Your son, George 
 Stanley, is he dead ? 
 
 Powell (as Lord Stanley'). He is, my Lord, 
 and safe in Leicester town ! 
 
 Elliston (as Richmond). I mean — ah! — 
 is he missing ? 
 
 Powell (as Lord. Stanley.) He is, my Lord, 
 and safe in Leicester town ! ! 
 
 And it is but justice to the memory of this 
 punctilious veteran, to say that he would 
 have made the same reply to any question 
 which could, at that particular moment, have 
 been put to him. 
 
34 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A HIGHWAYMAN. 
 
 Brennan, the famous Irish highwayman, 
 was a little Bonaparte in his way. He 
 once robbed three officers in a postcbaise, 
 and left them, telling them he would report 
 them to the Duke of York, as unworthy to 
 serve the King, for allowing themselves to be 
 robbed by a single man. He wore a leathern 
 girdle round his middle, stuck with pistols. 
 There was an attempt made by two police- 
 officers in the town of Tipperan^ to arrest him 
 early in the morning in bed ; but he jumped 
 the window, and his wife threw a pair 
 of pistols out to him. They pursued him 
 to a by-field, where they came up to him in 
 his shirt ; but he kept one of them at bay 
 with one pistol, while with the other he stood 
 over the second policeman, till he made him- 
 strip off his clothes, which he put on him 
 self ; thus making him return to town as he 
 (Brennan) had left it, namely, in his shirt. 
 
 lady hobart’s grace. 
 
 The Lady Hobart, every one being set at 
 the table and nobody blessing it, but gazing 
 one upon another, in expectation who should 
 be Chaplaine — “Well,” sayes my Lady, “I 
 thinke I must say as one did in the like case, 
 * God be thanked, nobody will say grace.’ ” 
 
 We have here an anticipation of Sheridan’s 
 well-known speech when unexpectedly called 
 upon to say grace at a public dinner: — 
 “ What, no clergyman present ? Thank God 
 for all things?” So true it is that there is 
 nothing new under the sun, and so justly 
 may all professed sayers of good things ex- 
 claim with Donatus, the preceptor of St. 
 Jerome, “Pereant qui ante nos nostra 
 dixerunt !” One of the most striking cases is 
 that of Talleyrand’s well-known apophthegm, 
 “ Language was given to man to conceal his 
 thoughts !” The wily diplomatist, no doubt, 
 thought so, and said so ; but so had Goldsmith 
 long before him, who tells us, in his fifth essay, 
 “ that the true use of speech is not so much to 
 express our wants as to conceal them.” 
 
 PANIC AT NEW YORK. 
 
 The Americans delight in the hyperbole ; 
 in fact they hardly have a metaphor without 
 it. During the crash, when every day fif- 
 teen or twenty merchants’ names appeared 
 in the newspapers as bankrupts, one party, 
 not in a very good humour, was hastening 
 down Broadway, when he was run against 
 by another, whose temper was equally un- 
 amiable. This collision roused the choler of 
 both. 
 
 “ What the devil do you mean, sir ?” cried 
 one ; “ I’ve a great mind to knock you into 
 the middle of next loeeh" 
 
 This occurring on a Saturday, the wrath 
 of the other was checked by the recollection 
 of how very favourable such a blow would 
 be to his present circumstances. 
 
 “ Will you ? by heavens, then pray do ; 
 it’s just the thing I want, for how else I am 
 to get over next Monday and the acceptances 
 I must take up, is more than 1 can tell.” 
 
 IMMENSE TRIFLING. 
 
 Dr. Shaw, the naturalist, was one day 
 showing to a friend two volumes written by 
 a Dutchman, upon the wings of a butterfly,, 
 in the British Museum. “ The dissertation 
 is rather voluminous, sir, perhaps you will 
 think,” said the Doctor, gravely ; “ but it is- 
 immensely important.” 
 
 BRAHAM AND KENNEY. 
 
 The pride of some people differs from that 
 of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through 
 Jermyn* street, late one evening, and seeing 
 Kenney at the comer of St. James’s church* 
 swinging about in a nervous sort of manner* 
 he inquired the cause of his being there at 
 such an hour. He replied, “ I have been to 
 the St. James’s Theatre, and, do you know, 1 
 really thought Braham was a much prouder 
 man than 1 find him to be.” On asking why* 
 he answered, “ I was in the green-room, and 
 hearing Braham say, as he entered, ‘ I am 
 really proud of my pit to-night,’ I went and 
 counted it, and there were but seventeen 
 people in it!” 
 
 AN HONEST LAWYER. 
 
 Ben Jonson “goeing through a church 
 in Surrey, seeing poore people weeping over 
 a grave, asked one of the women why they 
 wept? ‘Oh!’ said she, ‘wee have lost our 
 pretious lawyer, Justice Randall ; he kept 
 us all in peace, and always was so good a$f 
 to keep us from goeing to law; the best mail 
 that ever lived.’ ‘Well, said Ben Jonsoh, 
 ‘I will send you an epitaph to write upon 
 his tomb,’ which was — 
 
 ‘ God works wonders now and then, 
 
 Here lies a lawyer, an honest man.’ ” 
 
 ADVENTURE WITH A BISON. 
 
 “ It is dangerous to attack a bison on foot,” 
 observed a traveller to the author of “ The 
 Shoe and Canoe.” “ I had to do it once, and 
 paid very dearly for it. It was in the time 
 of snow. I crept up to the animal on all 
 fours and fired, wounding him desperately; 
 but still he was able to reach me. I did not 
 run ; that the hunter never does, as it would 
 be almost certain destruction. I lay down 
 motionless, and the bull seemed to doubt 
 whether the death-like object before him was 
 his enemy. So after staring about a bit he 
 lay down, with his bleeding mouth and deep- 
 sunk glaring eyes close to mine, breath to 
 breath, e}*e to eye, ay, and for some hours. 
 At length, feeling that my limbs were freez- 
 ing and stiffening, I was meditating the des- 
 perate step of making a run for it, when an 
 Indian boy came in sight, dancing and car- 
 rolling on a snowy knoll. The bull saw him, 
 got up, and staggered and floundered to him, 
 as well as he could, as his true enemy. The 
 boy perceiving his danger jumped into a snow 
 drift, and the bull could not find him, although 
 he searched diligently and with many a groan. 
 There the boy remained till night. “ For my- 
 self I managed to crawl to the fort. Next 
 morning the bull was found dead three hun- 
 dred yards from the snow-drift” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 35 
 
 THE STAGE COAOHES OF BY-GONE DAYS. 
 
 About fifty years ago, the Holyhead mail 
 left London at eight at night, and arrived at 
 Shrewsbury between ten and eleven the fol- 
 lowing: night, taking twenty-seven hours to 
 run 162 miles. At the time when this rate 
 of travelling was considered all that was re- 
 quired, there was a coach on the road be- 
 tween Shrewsbury and Chester, called the 
 “ Shrewsbury and Chester Highflyer.” This 
 coach started from Shrewsbury at eight 
 o’clock in the morning, and arrived at Ches- 
 ter about the same time in the evening, the 
 distance being forty miles. This was a good 
 hard road for wheels, and rather a favourable 
 one for draught. “ But how,” inquires a 
 writer in the Quarterly Review for 1832, “can 
 all these hours be accounted for ?” Why, if 
 a “ commercial gentleman ” had a little busi- 
 ness at Ellesmere, there was plenty of time 
 for that -, if a “ real gentleman ” wanted to 
 pay a morning visit on the road, there could 
 be no objection to that. In the pork-pie 
 season, half-an-hour was generally consumed 
 in consuming one of them, for Mr. Williams, 
 the coachman, was a wonderful favourite 
 with the farmers’ wives and daughters all 
 along the road. The coach dined at Wrex- 
 ham, for coaches lived well in those days — 
 they now live upon air; and Wrexham 
 Church was to be seen — a fine specimen of 
 the florid Gothic, and one of the wonders of 
 Wales! Then Wrexham was also famous 
 for its ale : there were no public breweries in 
 those days in Wales; and, above all, the inn 
 belonged to Sir Watkin. About two hours 
 were allowed for dinner ; but Billy Williams, 
 one of the best tempered fellows on earth, as 
 honest as Aristides, was never particular to 
 half-an-hour or so. “ The coach is ready, 
 gentlemen,” he would say; “but don’t let 
 me disturb you, if you wish for another bot- 
 tle.” This was the plan adopted in the good 
 old times, when every affair of life moved on 
 at a quiet jog-trot pace, not at all adapted to 
 the present mode of carrying on business. 
 Competition of the most eager kind has been 
 for some years the order of the day, and 
 most certainly it cannot be said that stage- 
 coaches stood still. Leaving out of the 
 question the light coaches, which travelled at 
 an extremely rapid rate, we may notice the 
 speed maintained by the mails, which had 
 to travel long distances before their employ- 
 ment was superseded by railways. The 
 Edinburgh mail ran 400 miles in forty hours, 
 stoppages included. This was nearly eleven 
 miles an hour. A coach to Exeter, the 
 “ Herald,” went over its ground, 173 miles, 
 in twenty hours — and that is a very uneven 
 country ; and the Devonport mail performed 
 its journey, 227 miles, in twenty-two hours. 
 The increase of speed was alarming to those 
 who had been accustomed to the old-fashioned 
 slow coaches, and the rate at which the new ve- 
 hicles travelled was considered reckless risking 
 of human life. Nevertheless, the thing went 
 on, and it began to be whispered, in spite of 
 the merciless ridicule of the Quarterly Review , 
 
 that if steam were to be employed on a rail- 
 way, it would be even possible to attain a 
 speed of some twenty miles an hour. In re- 
 ference to a proposed London and Woolwich 
 railroad, the Quarterly not only backed “ Old 
 Father Thames against it for any sum,” but 
 assured its readers that the people of Wool- 
 wich “ would as soon suffer themselves to be 
 fired off upon one of Congreve’s ‘ricochet 
 rockets, as trust themselves to the mercy of 
 such a machine (a high-pressure engine), 
 and going at such a rate (eighteen miles an 
 hour).” And the reviewer expresses his 
 trust that “ Parliament will, in all railways 
 it may sanction, limit the speed to eight or 
 nine miles an hour, which is as great as can 
 be ventured upon with safety.” The expe- 
 riment has, however, been tried, and we all 
 know with what success. 
 
 CRIME OF BEING YOUNG. 
 
 In a debate, in which Mr. Pitt and some of 
 his young friends had violently attacked old 
 Horace Walpole, the latter complained of the 
 self-sufficiency of the young men of the date, 
 on which Mr. Pitt got up with great warmth, 
 beginning with these words: — “ With the 
 greatest reverence for the grey hairs of the 
 honourable gentleman ;” Walpole then pulled 
 off his wig, and showed his head covered 
 with grey hairs; this occasioned a general 
 laughter, in which Pitt joined, and the dis- 
 pute subsided. 
 
 SHARP SHOT. 
 
 At the siege of Badajoz, a cannon-shot, 
 fired by the French, struck the ground first, 
 and then hit one of our artillery- men on the 
 back, when he fell, as was thought, killed on 
 the spot. In a moment, however, he jumped 
 up unhurt, the shot having glanced off his 
 knapsack ; in commemoration of which event, 
 he was afterwards known by the appellation 
 of the bomb-proof man.” — A British soldier 
 having fired at a Frenchman, without orders, 
 was reprimanded for doing so by his colonel, 
 who asked him why he did so; when he 
 coolly said, scratching his head at the same 
 time, “ Why, zur, I ar’n’t nought to eat this 
 here two days, and I thought as how I might 
 find somewhat in his knapsack.” 
 
 SETTLING A QUESTION. 
 
 When Captain Jervis (afterwards Earl St 
 Vincent) commanded the Alarm frigate, on 
 the coast of Barbary, one of her boats being 
 near the shore, in the bay of Tunis, two 
 slaves swam off, and concealed themselves in 
 the King’s colours. The Dey of Tunis sent 
 to demand their return : Jervis refused, say- 
 ing that the instant they took refuge under 
 the British flag, they were free. He threat- 
 ened to fire upon the ship ; Jervis instantly 
 got the Alarm abreast of the castle, and sent 
 him word that the first shot that was fired 
 should be returned, and the castle levelled 
 with the ground. Jervis took no further 
 steps, and carried his two freed slaves off in 
 triumph. 
 
36 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 TASTE FOR MUSIC. 
 
 Hie infamous Duke of Lauderdale used to 
 ssy that he had rather hear a cat mew than 
 the best music in the world; and the better 
 the music the more sick it made him. 
 
 SPECIAL PLEADING. 
 
 When a very eminent special pleader was 
 asked by a country gentleman if he con- 
 sidered that his son was likely to succeed as a 
 special pleader, he replied, “ Pray, sir, can 
 your son eat saw-dust without butter?” 
 
 A 8MALL GLASS. 
 
 The manager of a Scotch theatre, at 
 which Kean was playing Macbeth, seeing 
 him greatly exhausted towards the close of 
 the performance, offered him some whisky in 
 a very small thistle-glass, saying, at the same 
 time, by way of encouragement, “ Take that, 
 Mr. Kean; take that, sir; it is the real 
 mountain dew ; that will never hurt you, 
 sir!” “No,” said Kean, with a significant 
 glance at the homoeopathic dose, “No, that 
 I’ll be sworn it wouldn’t — if it was vitriol ! ’ 
 
 MICHAEL FARADAY. 
 
 This eminent person was the son of a 
 humble blacksmith, who apprenticed him to 
 a small bookbinder in Blandford-street, when 
 only nine years of age, and in which occu- 
 pation he continued till he was twenty-two. 
 The circumstances that occasioned his ex- 
 changing the work- room of the binder for 
 t he laboratory of the chemist have been thus 
 forcibly related. Ned Magratb, now secre- 
 tary to the AtJhenamm, happening, five and 
 twenty years ago, to enter the shop of 
 lii beau, observed one of the bucks of the 
 paper bonnet zealously studying a book he 
 ought to have been binding. He approached 
 — it was a volume of the old Britannica, 
 n pen at Electricity. He entered into talk 
 with the greasy journeyman, and was aston- 
 ished to find in him a self-taught chemist, of 
 no slender pretensions. He presented him 
 with a set of tickets for Davy’s lectures at 
 the Royal Institution : and daily thereafter 
 might the nondescript be seen perched, pen 
 in hand, and his eyes starting out of his 
 head, just over the clock opposite the chair. 
 At last the course terminated ; but Faraday’s 
 spirit had received a new impulse, which 
 nothing but dire necessity could have re- 
 strained ; and from that he was saved by the 
 promptitude with which, on his forwarding 
 a modest outline of his history, with the 
 notes he had made of these lectures, to Davy, 
 that great and good man rushed to the assist- 
 ance of kindred genius. Sir Humphrey 
 immediately appointed him an assistant in 
 the laboratory ; and, after two or three years 
 had passed, he found Faraday qualified to act 
 as his secretary, llis career has been suc- 
 cessful, and he now stands at the head of his 
 profession. He ranks as one of the first 
 lecturers of the day, and has published seve- 
 ral works highly and deservedly popular. — 
 Arnett's History of Book-binding. 
 
 STAMMERING. 
 
 Stammering (says Coleridge) is sometimes 
 the cause of a pun. Some one was men- 
 tioning in Lamb’s presence the cold-hearted- 
 ness of the Duke of Cumberland, in restrain- 
 ing the Duchess in rushing up to the embrace 
 of her son, whom she had not seen for a 
 considerable time, and insisting on her re- 
 ceiving him in state. “ How horribly cold it 
 was,” said the narrator. “ Yes,” said Lamb, 
 in his stuttering way, “ but you know he is 
 the Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land." 
 
 CUNNING ASTROLOGER. 
 
 An astrologer foretold the death of a lady 
 whom Louis XI. passionately loved. She 
 did, in fact, die ; and the King imagined that 
 the prediction of the astrologer was the cause 
 of it. He sent for the man, intending to 
 have him thrown through the window, as a 
 punishment. “ Tell me, thou who pretendest 
 to be so clever and learned a man, what thy 
 fate will be?” The soothsayer, who sus- 
 ected the intrigues of the Prince, and knew 
 is foible, replied : “ Sire, I foresee that I 
 shall die three days before your Majesty.” 
 The King believed him, and was careful of 
 the astrologer’s life. 
 
 QUEEN VICTORIA AND THE PAGE. 
 
 We have pleasure in placing on record an 
 incident in the domestic history of Queen 
 Victoria. We learned that it is the usual 
 fashion for the Queen and Prince Albert to 
 breakfast alone, and w r ith no attendant but a 
 confidential page. When we heard this, we 
 were led to dream of a graceful youth, with 
 ruffles at his wrists and powdered* hair, as, in 
 our youth, we beheld the pages that annually 
 bewildered us by their grandeur, in attend- 
 ance on his grace the commissioner, who re- 
 presents royalty in the General Assembly of 
 the Church of Scotland. No such thing. A 
 page, it seems, is often a common-place 
 specimen of adult humanity. One such was 
 on one occasion, waiting at the breakfast- 
 table, when, like Nehemiah of old, he looked 
 sad in the Royal presence. “ Wherefore,” 
 the Queen said unto him, “ is thy countenance 
 sad, seeing thou art not sick ? This is no- 
 thing else but sorrow of heart.” As in the case 
 of Nehemiah, the page, at first sore afraid, at 
 last took courage, and revealed to his Royal 
 mistress the cause of his grief. His daughter’s 
 husband was on his death bed, at Brighton, 
 and his wife and six children had none to 
 comfort them. The Queen instantly ordered 
 the presence of another attendant, furnished 
 the sorrowing man with money for the 
 journey to his daughter, and ordered him, on 
 liis return, to report to her the circumstances 
 in which the family were placed. His son- 
 in-law, as had been feared, died, leaving his 
 widow and family unprovided for; but in the 
 Queen they had found a friend. The children 
 were placed in various hospitals in London ; 
 and for the mother a situation was procured, 
 at once honourable and comfortable. — Edin- 
 burgh Witness. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 \7 
 
 MAKING IT UP. 
 
 An attorney being informed by his cook 
 that there was not dinner enough provided, 
 upon one occasion when company were ex- 
 pected, he asked if she had brothed the clerks. 
 She replied that she had done so. “ Well 
 then,” said he, “ broth ’em again.” 
 
 WATERLOO LETTERS. 
 
 One of the three letters written by the 
 Duke of Wellington from the field of Wa- 
 terloo was a brief note, which, having enu- 
 merated some who had fallen, ended thus 
 emphatically : — “ I have escaped unhurt : the 
 finger of Providence was on me.” What the 
 impulse was which dictated these extraordi- 
 nary words, we leave to the opinion of those 
 who read them. . . . When the dread- 
 
 ful tight was over, the Duke’s feelings, so long 
 kept at the highest tension, gave way, and, 
 as he rode amid the groans of the wounded 
 and the reeking carnage, and heard the 
 rout of the vanquished and the shout3 of the 
 victors, fainter and fainter through the gloom 
 of night, he wept, and soon after wrote the 
 words above quoted from his letter. 
 
 LAWYERS IN AMERICA. 
 
 In the towns in the interior, a lawyer’s 
 office is generally a small wooden house, of 
 one room, twelve feet square, built of clap- 
 board, and with the door wide open ; and the 
 little domicile, with its tenant used to remind 
 me of a spider in its web, -waiting for flies. 
 A lawyer in one of the newly-settled West- 
 ern States was so extremely metaphorical 
 upon an occasion, when the stealing of a pig 
 was the case in point, that at last he got to 
 “ corruscating rays.” The judge (who ap- 
 peared equally metaphorical himself) thought 
 
 proper to pull him up, by saying : “ Mr. , 
 
 I wish you would take the feathers from the 
 wings of your imagination, and put them 
 into the tail of your judgment.” 
 
 THE “BEGGAR’S OPERA.” 
 
 Of the “ Beggar’s Opera,” we find the fol- 
 lowing record in the Gentleman’s Magazine , 
 Sept. 15, 1773: — “This day Sir John Field- 
 ing informed the bench of justices that he 
 had last year written to Mr. Garrick concern- 
 ing the impropriety of performing the 
 ‘ Beggar’s Opera,’ which never was repre- 
 sented on the stage without creating an addi- 
 tional number of real thieves ; he begged, 
 therefore, the gentlemen present would join 
 with him in requesting Mr. Garrick to desist 
 from performing that opera on Saturday 
 evening. The bench immediately consented 
 to the proposal; and a polite card was de- 
 spatched to Mr. Garrick for that purpose. To 
 which Mr. Garrick returned for answer, that 
 his company was so imperfect and divided 
 (many of the performers being yet in the 
 country), that it would be exceedingly in- 
 convenient, if not impossible, for him to open 
 with any other piece; but added, that he 
 would, in future, do everything in his power 
 to oblige them.” 
 
 ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV. 
 
 In 1824, when the question of erecting a 
 monument to Shakspeare, in his native town, 
 was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, 
 the King (George IV.) took a lively interest 
 in the matter, and, considering that the lead- 
 ing people of both the patent theatres should 
 be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir 
 George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling 
 to ascertain Mr. Elliston’s sentiments on the 
 subject. As soon as these distinguished in- 
 dividuals (who had come direct from, and 
 were going direct back to, the Palace) had 
 delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston 
 replied, “ Very well, gentlemen, leave the 
 papers with me, and I will talk over the busi- 
 ness with his Majesty.” 
 
 FINDING MONEY. 
 
 Parties ought to be very cautious in their 
 actions if they should by chance find in 
 the streets any small sum of money or other 
 valuables. The Police Act is very stringent 
 on this point, and by section 221 imposes a 
 penalty of not more than £5 on any person 
 who, after finding money, fails, within forty- 
 eight hours afterwards, to report the same to 
 the Police-office. This was once strongly 
 stated by Bailie Bryson, at the Calton Police- 
 court, Edinburgh, in the case of a young 
 lad, who, it appeared, found a one-pound 
 note in Kent-street, Calton, which he 
 immediately handed over to his parents, 
 and said nothing about it to the police. 
 The circumstance, however, had been 
 ascertained, and an owner having been 
 found, the offender was charged with 
 the contravention of the act; and after 
 a suitable admonition by the Bailie on the 
 impropriety of his conduct, sentenced to pay 
 a fine of half-a-guinea, besides refunding the 
 money found. 
 
 WHAT A DIRTY SHIRT YOU HAVE ON ! 
 
 Soon after Bolivar’s entry into Bogota, 
 subsequent to the defeat of the Spaniards at 
 Bojaca, he gave a grand entertainment to 
 many of the first families of the place, and 
 just before dinner an English Colonel arrived. 
 Bolivar, looking at him, said, “My good 
 and brave Colonel, what a dirty shirt you 
 have on for thi3 grand dinner ; how happens 
 it?” The Colonel replied, he was “really 
 very sorry, but, to confess the truth, it was 
 the only shirt he had on hearing which, 
 Bolivar laughed, and sending for his major- 
 domo, desired him to give the Colonel one of 
 his shirts. The man hesitated, and remained 
 looking at the General ; when he again said, 
 rather impatiently, “ Why don’t you go, as 
 I desire you ? — the dinner will soon be on 
 the table.” The major-domo stammered out, 
 “Your Excellency has but two shirts — one 
 is on your back, the other in the wash I” 
 This made Bolivar and the Colonel laugh 
 heartily; the former remarking, jokingly; 
 “ The Spaniards retreated so quickly from us, 
 my dear Colonel, that I have been obliged to 
 leave my heavy baggage in the rear.” 
 
38 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 POLITE CORRECTION. 
 
 Sir Robert Graham, upon one occasion, 
 when passing sentence upon a batch of con- 
 victed criminals, is said by accident to have 
 pronounced sentence of transportation on one 
 who it was intended should be hanged. 
 Shocked beyond measure, when apprised of 
 this mistake, he desired the culprit to be 
 again placed in the dock, and hastily putting 
 on the black cap, he addressed him : — “ Pri- 
 soner at the bar, I beg your pardon ! ” and 
 then proceeded to pass on him the awful sen- 
 tence of the law. 
 
 RUNS UPON THE BANK OF ENGLAND. 
 
 There is an abundance of interest in the 
 chronicles of the runs upon the Bank, and 
 the expedients by which it has been saved — 
 in 1745, for instance, by the corporation re- 
 taining its specie, and employing agents to 
 enter with notes, who, to gain time, were 
 paid in sixpences ; and, as those who came 
 first were entitled to priority of payment, 
 the agents went out at one door with the 
 specie the}" had received, and brought it back 
 by another, so that the bond fide holders of 
 notes could never get near enough to present 
 them. We may as well here, though it be 
 cut of date, give the explanation of the issue 
 of one-pound notes during the panic of 1825. 
 The incidental mention to one of the di- 
 rectors that there was a box of one- pound 
 notes ready for issue, turned the attention of 
 the authorities to the propriety of attempting 
 So circulate them ; and the declaration of Mr. 
 Henry Thornton, in 1797, probably occurred, 
 that it was the want of small change, not a 
 necessity for gold, that was felt ; and as the 
 ressure on the country banks arose from the 
 olders of the small notes, it was suggested 
 to the Government that the public might, 
 perhaps, receive one-pound notes in place of 
 sovereigns. The Government approved of 
 the idea, and the panic was at its height, 
 when, on Saturday, the 17th of December, 
 the Bank closed its doors with only 
 £1, 027, 000 in its cellars. (In the pamphlet 
 published by Lord Ashburton is the following 
 remarkable paragraph. After saying “ I was 
 called into counsel with the late Lord Liver- 
 pool, Mr. Huskisson, and the Governor of the 
 Bank,” his Lordship proceeds : “ The gold of 
 the Bank was drained to within a very few 
 thousand pounds; for aKftough the published 
 returns showed a result rather less scandalous, 
 a certain Saturday night closed with nothing 
 worth mentioning remaining.”) It has been 
 frequently stated, that by a mere accident 
 the box of one-pound notes was discovered. 
 But such was not the case. A witness stated 
 that “ he did not recollect that there were 
 any one-pound notes ; they were put by ; it 
 was the casual observation that there were 
 such things in the house, which suggested 
 to the directors that it would be possible to 
 use them.” Application was made to the 
 Government for permission to issue them; 
 and this was granted, subject to certain sti- 
 pulations. 
 
 A READY ANSWER. 
 
 When Clarke, the traveller, asked, in Swe- 
 den, what became of a woman who fell into 
 the shaft of an iron mine that he visited, 
 “ Became of her !” said the man to whom he 
 put the question, striking his hand forcibly 
 upon his thigh ; “ she became a pancake !” 
 
 WITTY PERVERSION. 
 
 Dr. Williamson had a quarrel with one of 
 his parishioners by the name of Hardy, who 
 showed considerable resentment. On the 
 succeeding Sunday, the doctor preached from 
 the following text, which he pronounced 
 with great emphasis, and with a significant 
 look at Hardy, who was present, “ There is 
 no fool like the fool-Hard}".” 
 
 SATISFACTION. 
 
 Lord William Poulat was said to be the 
 author of a pamphlet called “ The Snake in 
 the Grass.” A gentleman abused in it sent 
 him a challenge. Lord William protested 
 his innocence, but the gentleman insisted 
 upon a denial under his own hand. Lord 
 William took a pen and began — “ This is to 
 scratify that the buk called ‘ The Snak ’ ” — 
 “Oh ! my Lord,” said the person, “I am 
 satisfied : your Lordship has already con- 
 vinced me you did not write the book.” 
 
 THE GOUTY SHOE. 
 
 James Smith used to tell, with great glee, 
 a story showing the general conviction of 
 his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in 
 the library at a country-house, when a gen- 
 tleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure- 
 grounds : — 
 
 “ Stroll ! why don’t you see my gouty 
 shoe ?” 
 
 “Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish 
 I’d brought one too ; but they are all out now.” 
 
 “ Well, and what then?” 
 
 “ What then ? why, my dear fellow, you 
 don’t mean to say that you have really got 
 the gout ? I thought you had only put on 
 that shoe to get off being shown over the 
 improvements.” 
 
 HALF-AND-HALF. 
 
 A German, on his passage from Hamburgh 
 to England, was asked by a fellow voyageur , 
 whether he should not drink porter on his 
 arrival in London : “ No,” replied the Ger- 
 man, “it will be much too strong for my 
 head.” “Ah!” rejoined the other, “you 
 will change your opinion when you have once 
 tasted it.” A few weeks after, the German 
 met his ftiend, who asked him whether he 
 had not drunk porter as he predicted. “ No,” 
 replied he, “ I drink half-and-half.” “ But 
 that is even stronger, being half ale and half 
 porter !” “ Oh,” cried the German with sur- 
 prise, “ I thought half-and-half was half 
 porter and half tauter .” 
 
 The last time Madame Pasta was in Eng- 
 land, a lady of high distinction asked her if 
 she drank as much porter as usual . “ No, 
 mia cara, prendo half-and-half adesso.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 39 
 
 AN ESCAPE. 
 
 Louis XVIII , when living at Dilligen, on 
 the Danube, was once shot at, and the ball 
 grazed his forehead ; but the wretch who 
 fired the musket was never discovered. 
 
 DEAR MEAL. 
 
 Fanny Murray, a beauty of Walpole’s time, 
 was complaining of want of money, when Sir 
 Robert Atkins gave her a twenty pound note. 
 She said, “D — n your twenty pound, what 
 does it signify?” clapped it between two 
 pieces of bread and butter, and ate it ! 
 
 ESTIMATE OF A LIFE. 
 
 The Duke of Wellington, after the battle 
 of Waterloo, joined in the pursuit, and fol- 
 lowed the enemy for some miles. Colonel 
 Hervey, who was with him, advised him to 
 desist, as the country was growing less open, 
 and he might be fired at by some stragglers 
 from behind the hedges. “Let them fire 
 away — the battle is won, and my life is of no 
 value now !” 
 
 LORD BROUGHAM. 
 
 Shortly after his Lordship’s appointment 
 to the office of Lord High Chancellor, he vi- 
 sited, along with some other Ministers of the 
 Cabinet of Earl Grey, one of the most exten- 
 sive breweries in the metropolis, and had 
 there what is colloquially called a “beef- 
 steak dinner.” After it was finished, a pro- 
 position was made that they should inspect 
 the works; and, in order that the party 
 might understand the use of each and all of 
 them, the foreman, a cautious, but intelligent 
 Scotchman, was desired to attend and ex- 
 plain them. They had scarcely got into the first 
 room, before Lord Brougham, with a slight 
 motion of the band, put aside hi3 Scotch 
 cicerone, who was volunteering an explana- 
 tion, and said, with his usual cool, good-na- 
 tured nonchalance : “Young man, I will save 
 you the trouble you are about to undertake ; 
 I understand all this perfectly well, and will 
 explain it myself to my noble and distin- 
 guished friends.” His Lordship then pro- 
 ceeded, without further preface, to explain to 
 Earl Gi ey and other members of this con- 
 vivial patty, every stage in the process of 
 brewing ; but, unfortunately, did not explain 
 one of them right, even by accident. The 
 Scotchman, who perceived, but was too pru- 
 dent to expose, the ignorance of his country- 
 man, was astounded by his unceasing volu- 
 bility: and, in speaking of it in a mixed 
 company, where the informant was present, 
 observed : “ Gude faith, sirs, but it made my 
 hair staun on en to hear the Lord High 
 Chancellor o’ Great Britain tellin the Lord 
 High Treasurer a lang tail aboot maut and 
 the brewing o’t, and nae word o’ truth fra 
 beginnin to en. It made a thinking mon 
 reflect what a terrible pass things must ha 
 come till, when ae Minister could jist tell, 
 and anither Minister jist believe, sic awful 
 cantrips. Eh, sire ! nae barrel can be gude 
 that that blatherin’ chiel has gat the 
 brewin o’.” 
 
 TURNING THE TABLES. 
 
 A young lady, a native of Sydney, being 
 asked if she should like to go to Britain, 
 answered, that she should like to see it, but 
 not to live in it. On being pressed for her 
 reason, she replied, that, from the great 
 number of bad people sent out from thence, 
 it must, surely, be a very wicked place to 
 live in!” 
 
 CREDIT. 
 
 Among the witty aphorisms upon this un- 
 safe topic, are Lord Alvanley’s description of 
 a man who “ muddled away his fortune in 
 paying his tradesmen’s bills Lord Orford’s 
 definition of timber, “ an excrescence on the 
 face of the earth, placed there by Providence 
 for the payment of debts;” and Pelham’s 
 argument, that it is respectable to be ar- 
 rested, because it shows that the party once 
 had credit. 
 
 ODD HOUSEKEEPING. 
 
 Mrs. Montgomery was the only — the mo- 
 therless — daughter of the stern General Camp- 
 bell, who early installed her into the duties of 
 housekeeper, and expected this giddy puss to 
 give in her accounts with the precision of a 
 Mrs. Decorum ; but it sometimes happened 
 that, in setting down the articles purchased, 
 and their prices, she put the cart before the 
 horse;” her gruff papa never lectured her 
 verbally, but wrote his remarks on the mar- 
 gin of the paper, and returned it for correc- 
 tion. One such instance was as follows : — 
 “ General Campbell thinks five-and-sixpence 
 exceedingly dear for parsley.” Henrietta in- 
 stantly saw her mistake ; but, instead of for- 
 mally rectifying it, wrote against the next 
 item — “ Miss Campbell thinks twopence-half- 
 penny excessively cheap for fowls;” and sent 
 it back to her father. 
 
 GERMAN ENGLISH. 
 
 An English lady resident at Coblentz, one 
 day wishing to order of her German servant 
 (who did not understand English) a boiled 
 fowl for dinner, Grettel was summoned, and 
 that experiment began. It was one of the 
 lady’s fancies, that the less her words resem- 
 bled her native tongue, the more they must 
 be like German. So her first attempt was to 
 tell the maid that she wanted a cheeking or 
 keeking. The maid opened her eyes and 
 mouth, and shook her head. “ It’s to cook,” 
 said the mistress, “ to cook, to put in an iron 
 thing, in a pit, pat, pot.” “ Ish understand 
 risht,” said the maid, in her Coblentz patois. 
 “ It’s a thing to eat,” said her mistress, “ for 
 dinner — for deener — with sauce, soace, 
 
 sowose. What on earth am I to do ?” ex- 
 claimed the lady, in despair, but still made 
 another attempt. “It’s a little creature — a 
 bird — a bard — a beard — a hen — a hone — a 
 fowl — a fool ; it’s all covered with fea- 
 thers — fathers — feeders!” “Ha, ha,” cried 
 the delighted German, at last getting hold of 
 a catchword, “ Ja, ja ! tedders — ja wohl !” and 
 away went Grettel, and in half an hour re- 
 turned, triumphantly, with a bundle of sta- 
 tioner’s quills. 
 
40 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 “ Do you call yourself a gentleman ?” said 
 an Oxford bargeman to a Christchurch-man, 
 who, from the opposite side of the Charwell, 
 had beaten him to a stand-still in slang. “ I 
 do,” replied the gownsman. “ Then I’m 
 blow’d if I arn’t a lord,” exclaimed the other, 
 •walking away in despair. 
 
 OBSTINACY IN ARGUMENT. 
 
 The warmth with which some disputants 
 point out simple misnomers, reminds one of 
 the indignant retort of Curl upon the charge 
 of being tossed in a blanket at Eton — “ Here 
 (quoth he), Scriblerus, thou leezest, for I was 
 not tossed in a blanket, but in a vug.” 
 
 “the rejected addresses.” 
 
 The fame of the brothers James and Hora- 
 tio Smith was confined to a limited circle, 
 until the publication of “The Rejected Ad- 
 dresses.” James used to dwell with much 
 pleasure on the criticism of a Leicestershire 
 clergyman : “ I do not see why they (‘ The 
 Addresses’) should have been rejected : I 
 think some of them very good.” This, he 
 would add, is almost as good as the avowal 
 of the Irish Bishop, that there were some . 
 things in “ Gulliver’s Travels ” which he 
 could not believe. 
 
 SILENT WOMAN. 
 
 Madame Rignier, the wife of a law-officer 
 at Versailles, while talking in the presence 
 of a numerous party, dropped some remarks 
 which were out of place, though not impor- 
 tant. Her husband reprimanded her before 
 the whole company, saying, “ Silence, madam ; 
 you are a fool !” She lived twenty or thirty 
 years afterwards, and never uttered a single 
 word, even to her children! A pretended 
 theft was committed in her presence, in the 
 hope of taking her by surprise, but without 
 effect ; and nothing could induce her to speak. 
 When her consent was requisite for the mar- 
 riage of any of her children, she bowed her 
 head, and signed the contract. 
 
 THE LAW'S DELAY. 
 
 . It is well known, upon one of the English 
 circuits, that a leading barrister once under- 
 took to speak while an express went twenty 
 miles to bring back a witness, whom it was 
 necessary to produce on the trial. But, what 
 is this to the performance of an American 
 counsellor, who, upon a like emergency, held 
 the judge and the jury by their ears for three 
 mortal days! He was, indeed, put to his 
 wit’s end for words wherewith to fill up the 
 time; and he introduced so many truisms, 
 and argued at the utmost length so many 
 indisputable points, and expatiated so pro- 
 fusely upon so many trite ones, that Judge 
 Marshal, the most patient of listeners, at last 
 said, “ Mr. Such-a-one (addressing him by 
 his name, in a deliberate tone of the mildest 
 reprehension), there are some things with 
 which the Court should be supposed to be 
 acquainted.” 
 
 COOL RETORT. 
 
 Henderson, the actor, was seldom known 
 to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was 
 one day debating with a fellow student, who, 
 not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine 
 in the actor’s face; when Henderson took 
 out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and 
 coolly said, “That, sir, was a digression; 
 now for the argument.” 
 
 DRINKING ALONE. 
 
 The author of the “Parson’s Daughter,” 
 when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, 
 two or three hours after dinner, is reported 
 to have apologised, by saying, “ When oDe 
 is alone, the bottle does come round so often.” 
 On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreisb, 
 on being asked, “ Have you finished all that 
 port (three bottles) without assistance ?” an- 
 swered, “ No — not quite that — I had the as- 
 sistance of a bottle of Madeira.” 
 
 ZUMMERZRTSHIRE. 
 
 Benson Hill relates the following rich spe- 
 cimen of this dialect : — “ I was walking, with 
 my sister, up the Wells (Bath) Road, when, 
 as w r e paused beside a gardener’s shed, to ad- 
 mire “his vegetable store,” that alarming 
 sight, a caparisoned, but riderless steed, 
 rushed by us. To a sheepish-looking native, 
 who now came to the gate, I said something 
 of an “accident.” He pulled his fair fore- 
 lock, answering — “ Eees, zur, I’d zpoaz ’ow 
 it war. I doan’t think ad a dunt a purpuz, 
 pore blood!” “Blood?” echoed Bell, shud- 
 deringly — for she is a sad coward that way. 
 “Now doan’t you go vur to vret, Miss, I 
 zaw’t appun. He bean’t urt, bless’ee ! Veil 
 inta az zaft a bed o’ dust, like, az iver you 
 zee. Tull brush awf, ma’am.” “But the 
 horse, farmer?” said I. “Oh, a may bo 
 they’ll stop } un, at the turnpike, down yan- 
 der” (’twas a mile off). “ The beast war in 
 want of a gallop. Too much earn in ; un,. 
 measter, and too little o’ man on ’iz back.” 
 The now powdered beau ran up. To him my 
 new acquaintance coolly continued — “I be 
 zaaing to thin gentlemun, az zum brutes be 
 better ved nor taught. What a you iver 
 done that they should stick you a top o’ a 
 hoss?” “Vy, you uncommon stoopid, and 
 purtieler rood person !” fumed the dismounted 
 dandy, “ carn’t you nither ketch a oss, nor 
 elp a shuperior hup ?” “ Volk bean’t az cute 
 az Cockneys in our parts,” replied the bump- 
 kin. “ Haryer larfin hat me, fellar? Hits 
 wery veil as I bruk my vip, lest vise my 
 temper’s riz so that I’ve a moind.” “Well, 
 I ax pardon,” pleaded my friend, “ I didn't 
 azist ’ee, but now I will, raayurlee. Teake a 
 vool’s advice. Afore ever your trust your- 
 self again outzide a speretty animal, in the 
 very power o’ a creatur as can’t like ’ee, you 
 come any day, zee one o’ our bways back a 
 unbroke colt, wiout zaddle, or bridle, or 
 aalter, and yit stick on, houlding by main 
 vorce, as a body may zaay. Then you’ll vind 
 out that tiz one thing to )ui' a good hoss, and 
 another to know how to ride ’ ttn .” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 41 
 
 THE NATIONAL ANTHEM. 
 
 Much research has been bestowed in the 
 endeavour to ascertain the origin of this po- 
 pular air, and to collect all that has been 
 said would fill volumes. 1. It is said 
 to have been composed by Doctor John 
 Bull, in the year 1607 ; but this composition, 
 which was published by Doctor Kitchiner, 
 from the original manuscript in his posses- 
 sion, was found to be nothing more than a 
 ground for the organ on four notes, C G F E, 
 with twenty-six different basses, and bear- 
 ing not the most distant resemblance to the 
 air in question. 2. The Duchess of Perth 
 has stated, in her “ Memoirs,” that the said 
 anthem is of French origin, and was first 
 sung by the nuns of St. Cyr to James II. ; 
 and that Handel procured a copy of it when 
 in France, and then passed it on to George I. 
 and the English nation as his own composi- 
 tion. The Duchess has also given a verse of 
 the anthem to confirm her account. But 
 the works of Handel were much better known 
 in England than in France, and not one syl- 
 lable can be found throughout his life or 
 writings about his claiming to be the author 
 or composer of “ God save the King.” On 
 the contrary, his own musical amanuensis, 
 John Christopher Smith, commonly called 
 Handel Smith, is the very individual who, 
 in a letter to Dr. Heminton, declares that 
 Harry Carey was both the author and com- 
 poser. The verse her Grace has given is 
 also at variance with her statement, for the 
 verses or stanzas of our national anthem have 
 each seven lines — the one given in French 
 has ten lines ; and it is absolutely impossible 
 to adapt all the syllables in those ten lines to 
 the notes of “ God save the King,” unless 
 we had six bars to the last strain. 3. Mr. 
 Pinkerton, in his “ Recollections of Paris,” 
 vol. ii., says, that “ the supposed national air 
 is a mere transcript of a Scottish anthem” in 
 a collection printed in 1682. In this bold 
 assertion he, no doubt, alludes to a work 
 which excited some interest a few years ago, 
 from this imagined discovery, “ Cantus ; 
 Songs and Fancies to several musical parts, 
 &c., as taught in the Music School of Aber- 
 deen,” printed by John Forbes, in Aberdeen. 
 Mr. Cros3, in his account of the Yorkshire 
 Musical Festival, informs us that a copy of 
 this work was sold by auction, by Evans, in 
 February, 1819, for £11, on the supposition 
 of its containing the original of “ God save 
 the King !” This singular publication, com- 
 monly called Forbes’ Cantus, is an odd voice 
 part of some old English glees, Christmas ca- 
 rols, &c. ; and yet, in its imperfect state, it 
 went through three editions, viz. in 1662, 
 1666, and 1682; moreover this, the only 
 known publication of music in Scotland 
 during the whole of the seventeenth century, 
 is now universally admitted not to contain a 
 single Scottish air. The tune in question, 
 
 “ Remember, 0 thou man,” is a Christmas 
 carol, taken from Ravenscroft’s Melismata, 
 printed in London in 1611. 4. A writer in 
 the Gentleman's Magazine for March, 1796, I 
 
 page 208, says, “ The original tune of ‘ God 
 save the King’ — the tune, at least, which 
 evidently furnished the subject of it — is to be- 
 found in a book of harpsichord lessons pub- 
 lished by Purcell’s widow, in Dean’s- yard, 
 Westminster;” but it is certain that “God- 
 save the King” has never yet been disco- 
 vered in Purcell’s works, or with his name 
 attached to it in any manner whatever. It 
 now only remains to make a few remarks 
 upon Henry Carey’s claim to the authorship. 
 Carey, who was a Jacobite, in common with 
 all who fixed their hopes on James, is said 
 to have written it on the eve of the contest 
 with the Pretender, in 1715, at which time 
 he was upwards of fifty years of age, and, 
 according to his constant practice, set his 
 own music to his own words. But the hopes 
 of the Jacobites were defeated, and the song 
 laid by and forgotten till 1740. It has been 
 proved that the author sang it publicly, and 
 with the greatest success, at a dinner given 
 to celebrate the victory of Admiral Yernon, 
 1740 ; and on this occasion Carey himself ap- 
 plied the song to George, in consequence of 
 the recent splendid victory — 
 
 Send him victorious. 
 
 Happy and glorious, 
 
 Long to reign over us. 
 
 The original words were applied to James — 
 soon to reign over us. Carey himself applied 
 the words to George, altering soon to long. 
 Thus applied, it then became popular be- 
 yond conception. By Dr. Pepeesch it Avas 
 altered in the melody of the first bar, and 
 immediately afterwards, with a perfect bass, 
 introduced on the stage ; and it has been con - 
 stantly and enthusiastically sung to the same 
 words, which it has retained from 1740 till 
 the death of the last George. — Leicester Jour- 
 nal. 
 
 UNFORTUNATE RESEMBLANCE. 
 
 Captain Atkins, who was lost in the De- 
 fence, off the coast of Jutland, in 1811, had 
 a double, that was the torment of his life ; 
 for this double was a swindler, who, having 
 discovered the, for him, lucky fac-similesbip,. 
 obtained goods, took up money, and at last 
 married a wife, in Atkins’s name. Once, when 
 the real captain returned from/ a distant sta- 
 tion, this poor woman, who was awaiting 
 him at Plymouth, put off in a boat, boarded 
 the ship as soon as it came to anchor, and 
 ran to welcome him as her husband. 
 
 KEAN’S LIFE. 
 
 Edmund Kean, the tragedian, one day, 
 speaking of his portraits, remarked to a 
 friend : “ Every one tries to fatter me. They 
 will omit this inequality in the bridge of my 
 nose. Sir, it was dealt me by a — peAvter pot, 
 hurled from the hand of — Jack Thurtell. 
 We were borne, drunk and bleeding, to the 
 watch-house, for the night; when / was 
 taken out, washed, plastered, left to cogitate 
 on any lie, of an accident in a stage fight. I 
 told it, and was believed, for the next day I 
 — tfmedwith the Bishop of Norwich 1” 
 
42 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 MINOR GRECIANS. 
 
 “ Cooper,' 5 said Graham, “ have you seen 
 * Epidibus ?’ 55 “Where?” asked the cour- 
 teous John, “ and what may it be ?” “ Why, 
 a tragedy now playing, with great success at 
 the Tottenham- street Theatre; and, from 
 its classic beauties, carried over the water to 
 the void ground near the new Bedlam : there 
 I heard it announced for representation by a 
 gentleman in Koman armour, who, with a 
 truncheon, pointed to a board, on which 
 I perceived the important information — 
 C.H.E.X. ‘Chexhere.’” “Ah!” remarked 
 Cooper, “ these minor theatres will destroy 
 the legitimate drama. Not that I know 
 i Epidibus, 5 either in Inchbald’s or Oxberry’s 
 collection — some blunder, of course.” “ Yes,” 
 said Graham, “ the fellow meant that edify- 
 ing drama, called ‘ (Edipus. 5 55 “ Oh, of 
 
 course I “ I see,” interrupted Gra- 
 
 ham, and the conversation was changed. 
 
 MONK LEWIS’S PLAY OP “ THE CASTLE 
 SPECTRE.” 
 
 The terrors inspired by the “ Castle 
 Spectre” were not confined to Drury- Lane ; 
 but, as the following shows, on one occasion 
 they even extended considerably beyond it. 
 Mrs. Powell, who played Evelina, having 
 become, from the number of representations, 
 heartily tired and weared with the charac- 
 ter, one evening, on returning from the the- 
 atre, walked listlessly into a drawingroom, 
 and, throwing herself into a seat, exclaimed, 
 “ Oh, this ghost ; this ghost ! Heavens ! how 
 the ghost torments me !” “ Ma’am ?” uttered 
 a tremulous voice, from the other side of the 
 table. Mrs. Powell looked up hastily. “ Sir !” 
 she reiterated in nearly the same tone, as 
 she encountered the pale countenance of 
 a very sober-looking gentleman opposite. 
 “What — what was it you said, madam?” 
 “ Really, sir,” replied the astonished actress, 
 
 “I have not the pleasure of Whj r , good 
 
 Heavens! what have they been about in the 
 room?” “ Madam!” continued the gentle- 
 man, “ the room is mine, and I will thank 
 
 you to explain 55 “ Yours !” screamed 
 
 Mrs. Powell; “surely, sir, this is No. 1?” 
 “ No, indeed, madam,” he replied ; “ this is 
 No. 2 ; and really your language is so very 
 
 extraordinary, that 55 Mrs. Powell, 
 
 amidst her confusion, could scarcely refrain 
 from laughter. “Ten thousand pardons!” 
 she said. “ The coachman must have mis- 
 taken the house. I am Mrs. Powell, of 
 Drury-Lane, and have just come from per- 
 forming the ‘Castle Spectre. 5 Fatigue and 
 absence of mind have made me an uncon- 
 scious intruder. I lodge next door, and I 
 hope you will excuse the unintentional alarm 
 I have occasioned you.” It is almost need- 
 less to add that the gentleman was much re- 
 lieved by this rational explanation, and par- 
 ticipated in the mirth of his nocturnal visitor, 
 as he politely escorted her to the street-door. 
 “ Good night,” said the still laughing actress ; 
 “ and I hope, sir, in future, I shall pay more 
 attention to number one” 
 
 BETTING. 
 
 The folly of betting is well satirized in one 
 of Walpole’s Letters : — “ Sept. 1st, 1750, — 
 They have put in the papers a good story 
 made at White’s. A man dropped down 
 dead at the door, and was carried in; the 
 club immediately made bets whether he was 
 dead or not, and when they were going to 
 bleed him, the wagerers for his death inter- 
 posed, and said it would affect the fairness of 
 the bet.” 
 
 THE KING’S CHAMPION. 
 
 A ludicrous circumstance occurred at the 
 coronation of William and Mary. Charles 
 Dymock, Esq., who then exercised his right 
 (Champion), cast his gauntlet in the usual 
 form, and the challenge was proclaimed, 
 when an old woman, who had entered the 
 Hall on crutches, took it up and quitted the 
 spot with extraordinary agility, leaving her 
 crutches, and a glove, with a challenge in it, 
 to meet the Champion, next day, at Hyde 
 Park. Accordingly, the old woman — or, as 
 is generally supposed, a good swordsman in 
 disguise — attended at the hour and place 
 named ; but the Champion did not make his 
 appearance ; nor is it recorded whether any 
 measures were taken to discover who had 
 passed so disloyal a joke. 
 
 THE WITNESS AWAKE. 
 
 One night the Protector (Cromwell) went 
 privately to Thurloe’s chambers, and had 
 proceeded to some lengths in disclosing an 
 affair of the utmost secresy and importance, 
 when, for the first time, he perceived a clerk 
 asleep at his desk. This person was Mr. 
 Morland (afterwards Sir Samuel Morland), 
 the famous mechanist, not unknown as a 
 statesman, and at whose house in Lambeth 
 Charles II. passed the first night of his resto- 
 ration. Cromwell, apprehensive that his 
 conversation had been overheard, drew his 
 dagger, and would have despatched the 
 slumberer on the spot, had not Thurloe, ■with 
 some difficulty, prevented him ; assuring him 
 that his intended victim was unquestionably 
 asleep, since, to his own knowledge, he had 
 been sitting up two nights together. The 
 nature of the secret interview between Crom- 
 well and Thurloe subsequently transpired, 
 and was no less than a design to inveigle 
 Charles II., then an exile at Bruges, and his 
 younger brothers, the Dukes of York and 
 Gloucester, into tho Protector’s power. It 
 had been treacherously intimated to them, 
 through the agency of Sir Richard Willis, 
 that if, on a stated day, they would laud on 
 the coast of Sussex, they would be received 
 by a body of five hundred men, which 
 would be augmented the following morning 
 by two thousand horse. Had they fallen 
 into the snare, it seems that all three would 
 have been shot immediately on reaching the 
 shore. Morland, however had not been 
 asleep, as was supposed by Thurloe and 
 Cromwell; and, through his means, the 
 King and his brothers were made acquainted 
 with the design against their lives. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 43 
 
 COOKERY AND CONCENTRATION. 
 
 The Prince de Soubise, having announced 
 to his cook his intention to give a supper, 
 demanded a menu. The cook presented him- 
 self ■with his estimate, the first item in which 
 that struck the Prince was fifty hams. “ Eh, 
 what !” said he, “you must be out of your 
 senses ; are you going to feast my whole re- 
 giment ?” “ No, monseigneur ; one only will 
 appear upon the table ; the rest are not the 
 less necessary for my espagnole, my blonds , 
 
 my garnitures, my “ Bertrand, you 
 
 are plundering me, and this article shall not 
 pass.” “ Oh, my Lord,” replied the indignant 
 artist, “you do not understand our resources. 
 Give me the word, and these fifty hams, 
 which confound you, I will put into a glass 
 bottle no bigger than my thumb.” What 
 answer could be made ? The Prince nodded, 
 and the article passed. 
 
 LATE DISCOVERY. 
 
 Lord Dalmeny, son of the Earl of Rose- 
 bery, married, about eighty years ago, a 
 widow, at Bath, for her beauty. They went 
 abroad ; she sickened, and, on her death- bed, 
 requested that she might be interred in some 
 particular churchyard, either in Sussex or 
 Suffolk. The body was embalmed ; but at 
 the custom-house in the port where it was 
 landed, the officer suspected smuggling, and 
 insisted on opening it. They then recognised 
 the features of the wife of their own clergy- 
 man, who, having been married to him 
 against her own inclination, had eloped. 
 Both husbands followed the body to the 
 grave. 
 
 RIVAL BASS SINGERS. 
 
 Some seventy years ago, as the late Sir W. 
 W. Wynn (grandfather to the present Ba- 
 ronet) was riding in the neighbourhood of 
 Wrexham, he heard a man sing in a cooper’s 
 workshop, with whose voice he was very 
 much struck. It was Mr. Meredith, -who 
 possessed a splendid bass voice. Sir Watkin 
 had him instructed, and he became cele- 
 brated as a singer of sacred music : he was 
 engaged at the Ancient Concerts, Oratorios, 
 &c., but he resided chiefly at Liverpool. The 
 following anecdote is told of him : — Having 
 heard that a parish- clerk of a village in the 
 Yale of Clywd, of the name of Griffiths, 
 could sing down to double C, he was deter- 
 mined to visit him. He accordingly started, 
 and walked about forty miles. When he 
 arrived in the village, he inquired for 
 Griffiths. A very little fellow, digging po- 
 tatoes in a garden, was pointed out to him. 
 “What !” thought Meredith, “that shrimp 
 of a thing to sing lower than I can? Im- 
 possible!” Meredith was a fine tall man, 
 upwards of six feet high. He walked around 
 the garden, eyeing poor Griffiths disdain- 
 fully ; at length, he said, upon low G, “ Good 
 day to you, sir.” Griffiths, resting on his 
 Sfiade, replied, on double low C (five notes 
 lower), “ Good day to you, sir.” Upon 
 which Meredith marched off, with double C 
 ringing in his ear, all the way to Liverpool. 
 
 MADEIRA WINE. 
 
 Some people are very proud of their wine, 
 and court your approbation by incessant 
 uestions. One of a party being invited by 
 ir Thomas Grouts to a second glass of his 
 “ old East India,” he replied, “ One was a 
 dose — had rather not double the Cape and, 
 at the first glass of champagne, he inquired 
 whether there had been a plentiful supply of 
 gooseberries last year. 
 
 THE PICKWICK PAPERS. 
 
 Mr. Davy, who accompanied Colonel Chest - 
 ney up the Euphrates, has recently been in 
 the service of Mehemet Ali Pacha. “ Pick- 
 wick” happening to reach Davy while he 
 was at Damascus, he read a part of it to the 
 Pacha, who was so delighted with it, that 
 Davy was, on one occasion, summoned to 
 him in the middle of the night, to finish the 
 reading of some part in which they had been 
 interrupted. Mr. Davy read, in Egypt, upon 
 another occasion, some passages from these 
 unrivalled papers to a blind Englishman, 
 who was in such ecstacy with what he heard, 
 that he exclaimed he was almost thankful 
 he could not see he was in a foreign country, 
 for that, while he listened, he felt completely 
 as though he were again in England. 
 
 LORD ELLENBOROUGH’s POWERS OF 
 RIDICULE. 
 
 “ He had no mean power of ridicule — as 
 playful as a mind more strong than refined 
 could make it ; while of sarcasm he was an 
 eminent professor, but of the kind which 
 hacks, and tears, and flays its victims, rather 
 than destroys by cutting keenly. His inter- 
 rogative exclamation in Lord Melville’s case, 
 when the party’s ignorance of having taken 
 accommodation out of the public fund was 
 alleged — indeed, was proved — may be remem- 
 bered as very picturesque, though, perhaps, 
 more pungent than dignified. ‘Not know 
 money ? Did he see it when it glittered ? 
 Did he hear it when it chinked ?’ On the 
 Bench, he had the very well-known, though 
 not very eloquent, Henry Hunt before him, 
 who, in mitigation of some expected sentence, 
 spoke of some one who ‘ complained of his 
 dangerous eloquence.’ ‘ They do you great 
 injustice, sir,’ said the considerate and mer- 
 ciful Chief Justice, kindly wanting to relieve 
 him from all anxiety on this charge. After 
 he had been listening to two conveyancers 
 for a whole day of a long and most technical 
 argument, in silence, and with a wholesome 
 fear of lengthening it by any interruption 
 whatever, one of them, in reply to a remark 
 from another judge, said: ‘If it is the plea- 
 sure of your Lordship that I should go into 
 that matter.’ ‘We, sir,’ said the Chief 
 Justice, ‘have no pleasure in it any way\’ 
 When a favourite special pleader was making 
 an excursion, somewhat unexpected by his 
 hearers, as unwonted in him, into a pathetic 
 topic — ‘ An’t we, sir, rather getting into 
 the high sentimental latitudes now ?’ ” — Lord 
 Brougham. 
 
44 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 LORD ST. VINCENT’S ENTRY INTO THE NAVY, 
 RELATED BY HIMSELF. 
 
 “ I was born at Meaford, in Staffordshire, 
 on the 9th of January, 1734, old style. My 
 father was counsel and solicitor to the Ad- 
 miralty, and treasurer of Greenwich Hospital. 
 At a very early age I was sent to a gram- 
 mar-school at Burton-upon -Trent, where I 
 remained long enough to be considered a very 
 capital Latin and Greek scholar for my years ; 
 and I was often selected by the master to 
 show what proficiency his boys had attained. 
 At the same time I frankly own to you that 
 I know very little about the matter now. 
 At the age of twelve years I was removed to 
 a school at Greenwich, kept by a Mr. Swin- 
 ton, and where I was to have remained until 
 fitted for college, being destined for the law. 
 This favourite plan of my father’s ivas, how- 
 ever, frustrated by his own coachman, whose 
 name I have now forgotten. I only remem- 
 ber that I gained his confidence, always sit- 
 ting by his side on the coach-box when we 
 drove out. He often asked what profession 
 I intended to choose. I told him I was to 
 be a lawyer. ‘ O, don’t be a lawyer, Master 
 Jackey,’ said the old man ; ‘ all lawyers are 
 rogues.’ About this time young Strachan 
 (father of the late Admiral Sir Richard 
 Strachan, and a son of Dr. Strachan, who 
 lived at Greenwich) came to the same school, 
 and we became great friends. He told me 
 such stories of the happiness of a sea life, 
 into which he had lately been initiated, that 
 he easily persuaded me to quit the school 
 and go with him. We set out accordingly, 
 and concealed ourselves on board of a ship at 
 Woolwich. My father was at that time 
 absent on the Northern Circuit. My mother 
 and sisters were in a state of distraction at 
 learning our absence from school, fearing 
 that some disaster had happened to us. But, 
 after keeping them for three days in the ut- 
 most anxiety, and suffering ourselves much 
 privation and misery, we thought it best to 
 return home. I went in at night and made 
 myself known to my sisters, who remon- 
 strated with me rather warmly on the impro- 
 priety of my conduct, and assured me that 
 Mr. Swinton would chastise me severely for 
 it ; to which I replied that he certainly would 
 not, for that I did not intend to go to school 
 any more, and that I was resolved to be a sailor. 
 The next day my mother spoke to me on the 
 subject, and I still repeated that I would be 
 a sailor. This threw her into much per- 
 plexity, and, in the absence of her husband, 
 she made known her grief, in a flood of tears, 
 to Lady Archibald Hamilton, mother of the 
 late Sir William Hamilton, and wife of the 
 Governor of Greenwich Hospital. Her lady- 
 ship said she did not see the matter in the 
 same light as my mother did, that she thought 
 the sea a very honourable and a very good 
 profession, and said she would undertake to 
 procure me a situation in some ship-of-war. 
 
 In the mean time my mother sent for her 
 brother, Mr. John Parker, who, on being 
 made acquainted with my determination, ex- 
 
 postulated with me, but to no purpose. I 
 was resolved I would not be a lawyer, and 
 that I would be a sailor. Shortly afterwards- 
 Lady Archibald Hamilton introduced me to 
 Lady Burlington, and she to Commodore 
 Townsbend, who was at that time going out 
 in the Gloucester , as Commander-in-Chief, 
 to Jamaica. She requested that he would 
 take me on his quarter-deck, to which the 
 commodore readily consented; and I was 
 forthwith to be prepared for a sea life. My 
 equipment was what would now be called 
 rather grotesque. My coat was made forme 
 to grow up to ; it reached down to my heels, 
 and was full large in the sleeves ; I had a 
 dirk, and a gold-laced hat ; and in this cos- 
 tume my uncle caused me to be introduced 
 to my patroness, Lady Burlington. Here I 
 acquitted myself but badly. I lagged behind 
 my uncle, and held by the skirt of his coat. 
 Her ladyship, however, insisted on my coming 
 forward, shook hands with me, and told me 
 I had chosen a very honourable profession. 
 She then gave Mr. Parker a note to Commo- 
 dore George Townshend, who lived in one of 
 the small houses in Charles-streef, Berkelev- 
 square, desiring that we should call there 
 early the next morning. This we did; and, 
 after waiting some time, the commodore 
 made his appearance in his night-cap and 
 slippers, and in a very rough and uncouth 
 voice asked me how soon I would be ready 
 to join my ship? I replied ‘ directly/ 
 
 ‘ Then you may go to-morrow morning/ 
 said he, ‘ and I will give you a letter to the 
 first-lieutenant.’ My uncle, Mr. Parker, 
 however, replied that I could not be ready 
 quite so soon, and we quitted the commodore. 
 In a few days after this we set off, and my 
 uncle took me to Mr. Blanchard, the master- 
 attendant or the boatswain of the dock- yard, 
 
 I forget which, and by him I was taken on 
 board the hulk or receiving- ship the next 
 morning, the Gloucester being in dock at the 
 time. This was in the year 1748. As soon 
 as the ship was ready for sea we proceeded 
 to Jamaica, and as I was always fond of an 
 active life, I volunteered to go into small 
 vessels, and saw a good deal of what was- 
 going on. My father had a very large 
 family, with limited means. He gave me 
 twenty pounds at starting, and that was all 
 he ever gave me. After I had been a consi- 
 derable time at the station, I drew for twenty 
 more, but the bill came back protested. I 
 was mortified at this rebuke, and made a 
 promise, which I have ever kept, that I 
 would never draw another bill without a cer- 
 tainty of its being paid. I immediately 
 changed my mode of living, quitted my mess, 
 lived alone, and took up the ship’s allowance, 
 which I found to be quite sufficient ; washed 
 and mended my own clothes, made a pair 
 of trousers out of the ticking of my bed, 
 and, having by these means saved as much 
 money as would redeem my honour, 1 took 
 up my bill ; and from that time to this (he 
 said this with great energy) I have taken 
 care to keep within my means.” What anc 
 
BAIL WAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 45 
 
 instructive lesson is here afforded to a 
 friendless youth who, like the one in ques- 
 tion, may find himself among his shipmates 
 destitute of those pecuniary resources en- 
 joyed by them! What encouragement 
 ought he not to feel when he reflects that 
 the writer of this unaffected story, solely by 
 his own exertions and good conduct, rose to 
 the highest honours in the profession, be- 
 came Admiral of the Fleet, General of Ma- 
 rines, First Lord Commissioner of the Admi- 
 ralty, Grand Cross of the Bath, a Privy 
 Councillor, and an English Earl ! Such was 
 the progress of John Jervis, who had for his 
 patrimony £20, and coopered his second pair 
 of breeches out of the ticking of his ham- 
 mock. Let no young man, therefore, who 
 enters the navy as midshipman, despond ; 
 though he may occasionally have the morti- 
 fication to see that favours are conferred 
 where not earned. It was thus that Pellew 
 (Lord Exmouth), who was, when a mid- 
 shipman, sent out of his ship by an unfeeling 
 captain, and left permyless in the streets of 
 Marseilles, arrived at the top of his profes- 
 sion, and obtained an English Peerage. It 
 was thus that Anson, without interest or 
 favour, did the same — and a long list might 
 be added. 
 
 DUTCH NEWS. 
 
 The proprietor of a Leicester newspaper 
 relates that, on the evening before one of his 
 publications, his men and a boy were fro- 
 licking in the printing-office, and overturned 
 two or three columns of the paper set in type. 
 Now, the chief point was to get ready, in 
 some way, for the Nottingham and Derby 
 coaches, which, at four o’clock in the morn- 
 ing, required 400 or 500 papers. After every 
 exertion, the compositors were short nearly 
 a. column ; but there stood in the printing- 
 office a tempting column of pie. Now, un- 
 lettered reader, mark— pie is a jumble of odd 
 letters, gathered from the floor, &c., of the 
 office, but set on end, in any order, to be dis- 
 tributed at leisure in their proper places. 
 Some letters are topsy-turvy— often ten or 
 twelve consonants come together, and then 
 as many vowels, with as whimsical a juxta- 
 position of stops. The printer suddenly be- 
 thought him that this might be called Dutch ; 
 and after writing a head “ Dutch Mail,” he 
 subjoined a statement that, “just as our 
 paper was going to press, the Dutch Mail 
 arrived ; but, as we have no time to make a 
 translation, we have inserted its intelligence 
 in the original.” The proprietor then over- 
 came the scruples of his overseer, the pie was 
 made up to the extent wanted, and off it 
 went as original Dutch, into Derbyshire and 
 Nottinghamshire ! In a few hours, other 
 matter, in plain English, supplied its place ; 
 but the Dutch column brought many letters 
 froin linguists, schoolmasters, high-bred vil- 
 lage politicians, and correspondents of the 
 Ladies' Diary, who had set their wits to 
 work, to translate the editor’s High Dutch ! 
 How the Hollanders could read it, was in- 
 comprehensible ! 
 
 A DILEMMA. 
 
 Poor Jemmy Brandon, of box-office me- 
 mory, seeing a creditor nearing the theatre, 
 went out to the door, for the purpose of beiDg 
 accosted by him, and, to the man’s inquiry, 
 “ Pray, is Mr. Brandon at home? ” Jemmy, 
 well aware his person was not known by him, 
 unhesitatingly replied, “ No sir, he is not.” 
 In a few minutes afterwards, Mr. Harris sent 
 for Brandon, and saying, “ Now, Jem, what 
 would you advise us to say to the public ? ” 
 Brandon, after a very short reflection, and 
 passing his hand over his face, to denote his 
 having come to a conclusion — notwithstand- 
 ing that his whole life had, of necessity, been 
 passed in the practice — deliberately said, 
 “ Suppose for once, we tell ’em a lie ! ” 
 
 THE RULING PASSION. 
 
 Garci Sanchez de Badajcz, when he was 
 at the point of death, desired that he might 
 be dressed in the habit of St. Francis ; this 
 was accordingly done, and over the Francis- 
 can frock was put his habit of Santiago, for 
 he was a knight of that order. Looking at 
 himself in his double attire, he said : “ The 
 Lord will say to me presently, ‘ My friend, 
 Garci Sanchez, you come very well wrapt up’ 
 (muy arropado ) ; and I shall reply, ‘ Lord, 
 it is no wonder, for it was winter when I set 
 off.’ ” 
 
 Don Bodrigo Calderon wore a Franciscan 
 habit at his execution, as an outward and 
 visible sign of penitence and humiliation; 
 as he ascended the scaffold, he lifted the 
 skirts of the habit with such an air, that his 
 attendant confessor thought it necessary to 
 reprove him for such ill-timed regard to hi 3 
 appearance. Don Bodrigo excused himself 
 by saying that he had all his lifetime carried 
 himself gracefully. 
 
 QUEEN VICTORIA AND THE PARROT. 
 
 A bird-fancier, living in the neighbour- 
 hood of the Great Western Bail way terminus 
 in Bristol, lately reared a parrot of uncommon 
 beauty, and, moreover, of a disposition to 
 talk. Poll was duly instructed, and her 
 teacher was so much pleased with Poll’s pro- 
 gress that he determined to present her at 
 Court, and she was accordingly started upon 
 the journey. Poll, upon her arrival, was 
 somewhat abashed at the new scene of 
 splendour in which she found herself, and 
 exhibited an unwonted uncouthness and 
 would not speak to any one. At length, 
 howerer, she was introduced to Queen Vic- 
 toria, who, struck with the beautiful plumage 
 and fine symmetry of the newly-arrived 
 guest, entered with great condescension into 
 conversation with her. Poll’s shyness wore 
 off, and before the Queen left her, she said, 
 “ If you don’t send twenty pounds I’ll go 
 back.” The Queen inquired to whom she 
 was indebted for this new acquisition to her 
 avian-, ascertained the circumstances con- 
 nected with the affair, and gave orders for 
 the transmission of £20 to the rearer of Poll, 
 which sum was accordingly paid. 
 
46 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 POWERS. 
 
 An Oxford student joined, without invi- 
 tation, a party dining at an inn. After 
 dinner he boasted so much of his abilities, 
 that one of the party said, “ You have told 
 us enough of what you can do, tell us some- 
 thing you cannot do.” “ ’Faith,” said he, 
 “I cannot pay my share of the reckoning.” 
 
 TRAGEDY MS. 
 
 A humourous fellow, seeing a parcel lying 
 on the table in the entrance-hall of Drury- 
 lane Theatre, one side of which, from its 
 having travelled to town by the side of some 
 game, was smeared with blood, observed, 
 “ That parcel contains a manuscript tra- 
 gedy.” And on being asked why, replied, 
 “ Because the fifth act is peeping out at one 
 corner of it.” 
 
 THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 There were once, in the Liverpool theatre, 
 two Mr. Smiths, one a serious, the other a 
 lively actor, who, to distinguish himself 
 from his namesake, always had the initial 
 of his sponsorial John attached to his pa- 
 tronymic, in the play- bills. The grave actor 
 falling ill, a wag wrote up in the green- 
 room — 
 
 “ If tragedy Smith should chance to die, 
 Then comedy Smith will lose his 
 
 A CLOSE ESCAPE. 
 
 One of James Smith’s favourite anecdotes 
 related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel re- 
 quested young James to call at his lodgings, 
 and in the course of their first interview re- 
 lated the particulars of the most curious cir- 
 cumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner 
 during the American war, along with three 
 other officers of the same rank ; one evening 
 they were summoned into the presence of 
 Washington, who announced to them that 
 the conduct of their Government, in con- 
 demning one of his officers to death, as a 
 rebel, compelled him to make reprisals ; and 
 that, much to his regret, he was under the 
 necessity of requiring them to cast lots, with - 
 out delay, to decide which of them should be 
 hanged. They were then bowed out, and 
 returned to their quarters. Four slips of 
 paper were put into a hat, and the shortest 
 was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, 
 “ I knew how it would be ; I never won so 
 much as a hit at backgammon in my life.” 
 As Greville told the story, he was selected to 
 sit up with Captain Asgill, under the pretext 
 of companionship ; but in reality to prevent 
 him from escaping, and leaving the honour 
 amongst the remaining three. “And what,” 
 inquired Smith, “ did you say to comfort 
 him ? ” “ Why, I remember saying to him, 
 when they left us, ‘ 1) — n it, old fellow, never 
 mind? ” but it may be doubted (added Smith) 
 whether he drew much comfort from the ex- 
 hortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French 
 Minister to interpose, and the Captain was 
 permitted to escape. 
 
 STORY OF A CAVALIER. 
 
 Dr. Michael Hudson, after a variety of 
 romantic adventures and chivalrous attempts 
 in the Koyal cause, and escaping from two 
 or three prisons (one of them the Tower of 
 London), headed in May, 1648, an insurrec- 
 tion in Lincolnshire, against the Parliament, 
 but being defeated, retired to a fortified man- 
 sion, called Woodcroft House, which was be- 
 sieged and taken on the 6th June. “ Hud- 
 son,” saj's A. Wood, “ with some of his cou- 
 rageous soldiers, went up to the battlements 
 thereof, where they defended themselves for 
 some time. At length, upon promise of quar- 
 ter, they yielded, but when the rebels got in 
 amongst them they denied to make it good. 
 Whereupon Hudson being thrown over the 
 battlements, caught hold of a spout or out- 
 stone, and there hung, but his hands being 
 beat or cut off, he fell into the moat under- 
 neath, much wounded, and desired to come 
 on shore to die there. Whereupon, one Eg- 
 borough (servant to Mr. Spinks, the intruder 
 into the parsonage of Curtan), knocked him 
 on the head with the butt end of his musket, 
 which being done, one Walker, a chandler or 
 grocer, in Stamford, cut out his tongue, and 
 carried it about the country for a trophy. 
 His body for the present was denied burial ; 
 yet, after the enemy left the place, he was by 
 some Christians committed to the earth.” 
 
 LUDICROUS BLUNDERS. 
 
 General knowledge is unquestionably ne- 
 cessary for the lawyer. Ludicrous mistakes 
 have frequently occurred through the de- 
 ficiences of some of them in this respect. 
 We have heard an anecdote somewhere of an 
 eminent barrister examining a witness in a 
 trial, the subject of which was a ship. He 
 asked, amongst other questions, “ Where the 
 ship was at a particular time ? ” “ Oh ! ” re- 
 plied the witness, “ the ship was then in 
 quarantine.” “ In Quarautine, was she ? 
 And pra)', sir, where is Quarantine?” Ano- 
 ther instance, given by Mr. Chitty, of the 
 value of general knowledge to the lawyer, is 
 worth citing. It is well known that a judge 
 was so entirely ignorant of insurance causes, 
 that, after having been occupied for six hours 
 in trying an action on “ a policy of insurance 
 upon goods (Russia duck) from Russia, he, 
 in his address to the jury, complained that 
 no evidence had been given to show how 
 Russia ducks (mistaking the cloth of that 
 name for the bird ) could be damaged by sea 
 water, and to what extent ! ” 
 
 An anecdote has been told of a learned 
 barrister once quoting some Latin verses to a 
 brother “ wig,” who did not appear to un- 
 derstand them. “ Don’t you know the lines,” 
 said he; “they are in Martial.” “Marshall,” 
 replied his friend, “ Marshall — oh ! I know — 
 the Marshall who wrote on underwriting .” 
 When this anecdote was related to a certain 
 judge of the Court of Review, he is reported 
 to have said, “ Why, after all, there is not 
 much difference between an underwriter and 
 a minor poet ! ” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 47 
 
 FENDING A SETTLER. 
 
 A settler in New South Wales was missing 
 from nis small farm. His convict overseer 
 gave out that he had gone off privately to Eng- 
 land, and left the property in his care. This 
 was thought extraordinary, as the settler 
 was not in difficulties, and was a steady, pru- 
 dent man; the affair, however, was almost 
 forgotten, when, one Saturday night, another 
 settler was returning with his horse and cart 
 from market. On arriving at a part of the 
 fence on the road side, near the farm of his 
 absent neighbour, he thought he saw him 
 sitting on the fence ; immediately the farmer 
 pulled up his mare, hailed his friend, and re- 
 ceiving no answer, got out of the cart, and 
 went towards the fence. His neighbour (as 
 he plainly appeared to be) quitted the fence, 
 and crossed the field towards a pond in the 
 direction of his home, which it was supposed 
 he had deserted. The farmer thought it 
 strange, remounted his cart, and proceeded 
 home. The next morning he went to his 
 neighbour’s cottage, expecting to see him, 
 but saw only the overseer, who laughed at 
 the story, and said that his master was by 
 that time near the shores of England. The 
 circumstance was so inexplicable that the 
 farmer went to the nearest justice of the 
 peace, related the preceding circumstances 
 and added that he feared foul play had taken 
 place. A native black, who was attached to 
 the station as a constable, was sent with some 
 of the mounted police, and accompanied the 
 farmer to the rails where the latter thought 
 he saw, the evening before, his deceased 
 friend. The spot was pointed out to the 
 black, without showing him the direction 
 which the lost person apparently took after 
 quitting the fence. On close inspection, a 
 part of the upper rail was observed to be 
 discoloured ; it was scraped with a knife by 
 the black, who next smelt at it, and tasted it. 
 Immediately after he crossed the fence, and 
 took a stright direction for the pond near the 
 cottage ; on its surface was a scum, which he 
 took up in a leaf, and, after tasting and 
 smelling, he declared it to be “ white man’s 
 fat.” Several times, somewhat after the 
 manner of a blood-hound, he coursed round 
 the lake ; at last he darted into the neigh- 
 bouring thicket, and halted at a place con- 
 taining some loose and decayed brushwood. 
 On removing this, he thrust down the ram- 
 rod of his musket into the earth, smelt at it, 
 and then desired the spectators to dig there. 
 Instantly spades were brought from the cot- 
 tage, and the body of the settler was found, 
 with his skull fractured, and presenting every 
 Indication of having been for some time im- 
 mersed in water. The overseer, who was in 
 possession of the property of the deceased, 
 and who had invented the story of his de- 
 parture for England, was committed to gaol, 
 and tried for murder. The foregoing circum- 
 stantial evidence formed the main proofs. 
 He was found guilty, sentenced to death, and 
 proceeded to the scaffold protesting his inno- 
 cence. Here, however, his hardihood forsook 
 
 him ; he acknowledged the murder of his late 
 master ; that he came behind him when he 
 was crossing the identical rail on which the 
 farmer fancied he saw the deceased, and, 
 with one blow on the head, killed him — drag- 
 ged the body to the pond, and threw it in ; 
 but, after some days, took it out again, and 
 buried it where it was found. The sagacity 
 of the native black was remarkable ; but the 
 unaccountable manner in which the murder 
 was discovered is one of the inscrutable dis- 
 pensations of Providence. 
 
 ARTIFICIAL MEMORY. 
 
 A humorous comment on this system was 
 made by a waiter at an hotel where Feinai- 
 gle dined, after having given his lecture on 
 artificial memory. A few minutes after the 
 Professor left the table, the waiter entered, 
 with uplifted hands and eyes, exclaiming, 
 “ Well, T protest the memory-man has for- 
 gotten his umbrella !” 
 
 AN EXCEPTION 
 
 “ Will you dine with me to-morrow, Mr. 
 
 ? ” asked one Irishman of another. 
 
 “ ’Faith, and I will, with all my heart.” 
 “ Remember, ’tis only a family dinner I’m 
 askin’ you to.” “ And what for not — a 
 family dinner is a mighty pleasant thing. 
 What have you got ? ” “ Och, nothing un- 
 common ! an elegant piece of corn beef and 
 potatoes ” “ By the powers, that beats the 
 world ! jist my dinner to an hair — barring 
 the beef ! ” 
 
 ORIGIN OF POST-PAID ENVELOPES. 
 
 M. Piron tells ns that the idea of a post- 
 paid envelope originated early in the reign 
 of Louis XIV., with M. de Valeyer ; who, in 
 1653, established (with Royal approbation) 
 a private penny-post, placing boxes at the 
 corners of the streets for the reception of let- 
 ters wrapped up in envelopes, which were to 
 be bought at offices established for that pur- 
 pose. M. de Velayer had also caused to be 
 printed certain forms of billets, or notes, ap- 
 plicable to the ordinary business among the 
 inhabitants of great towns, with blanks, 
 which were to be filled up by the pen with 
 such special matter as might complete the 
 writer’s object. One of these billets has been 
 preserved to our times by a pleasant misap- 
 plication of it. Pelisson (Mdme. de Sevignd’s 
 friend, and the object of the bon mot that 
 “ he abused the privilege which men have of 
 being ugly”) was amused at this kind of 
 skeleton correspondence ; and, under the af- 
 fected name of Pisandre (according to the 
 pedantic fashion of the day), he filled up and 
 addressed one of these forms to the celebrated 
 Mademoiselle de Scuderi, in her pseudonyms 
 of Sappho. This strange billet-doux has 
 happened, from the celebrity of the parties, 
 to be preserved, and it is still extant ; one of 
 the oldest, we presume, of penny-post letters, 
 and a curious example of a pre- paying enve- 
 lope, a new proof of the adage, that “ there 
 is nothing new under the sun.” 
 
48 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 AMERICAN SIMILES. 
 
 When the celebrated Colonel David Crocket I 
 •first saw a locomotive, with the train smok- j 
 ing along the railway, he exclaimed as it 
 flew past, “ Hell in harness, by the ’tarnel ! ” 
 Nothing surprised the Indians so much at 
 ■first as the percussion-caps for guns: they 
 thought them the ne plus ultra of invention ; 
 when, therefore, an Indian was first shown a 
 locomotive, he reflected a little while, and 
 then said, “ I see — Percussion .” 
 
 IDEAS OF COMFORT. 
 
 Some people’s notions of comfort differ 
 from those of others. Mr. Mathews once 
 went over Warwick Gaol, and when he came 
 to “ the place of execution,” he observed to 
 the gaoler, that, considering the extent of 
 the county, and the number of executions 
 which might take place, the drop struck him 
 -as being very small. “ I don’t know,” said 
 the man ; “ to be zure, six ’ouid be crowded, 
 but foive ’ould hang very comfortable !” 
 
 THE TWO SMITHS. 
 
 A gentleman, with the same Christian 
 and surname, took lodgings in the same 
 Louse with James Smith. The consequence 
 was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. 
 Indeed, the postman had no alternative but 
 to share the letters equally between the two. 
 
 ■“ This is intolerable, sir,” said our friend, “and 
 you must quit.” “ Why am I to quit more 
 than 3 t ou?” “ Because you are James the 
 Second — and must abdicate .” 
 
 RUBENS AND THE LION. 
 
 It is related that Rubens caused a remark- 
 ably fine and powerful lion to be brought to 
 his house, in order to study him in every va- 
 riety of attitude. One day, Rubens observ- 
 ing the lion yawn, was so pleased with this 
 action that he wished to paint it, and he de- 
 sired the keeper to tickle the animal under 
 the chin, to make him repeatedly open his 
 jaws; at length the lion became savage at 
 this treatment, and cast such furious glances 
 at his keeper, that Rubens attended to his 
 warning, and had the lion removed. The 
 keeper is said to have been torn to pieces by 
 the lion shortly afterwards ; apparently, he 
 had never forgotten the affront. 
 
 FRENCH FLAY- BILLS. 
 
 r lhere are certain stations on columns or 
 buildings in various parts of Paris, on which 
 the bills of all the theatres are posted daily, 
 and where the public look regularly for them. 
 Should there be no performance at night, the 
 •word relache is, in large type, conspicuous 
 on the bills. This sometimes appears on two 
 or three play-bills. It was once remarked, 
 knowingly, to old Barnes, the Pantaloon, 
 that there was a .very popular piece being 
 acted at the time, for it was performed at 
 three different theatres, and was called “Re- 
 lache.” He was advised, if it was printed, to 
 buy it, and send it over to Mr. Moncrieff to 
 translate for the Coburg Theatre. 
 
 TEMPERANCE PREACHERS. 
 
 One sore scandal early impeded the Mode- 
 ration Societies. Their professional advo- 
 cates were, of course, exposed to all the 
 peculiar temptations incident to their wan - 
 dering mode of life, and were alternately 
 goaded and puffed up by their one restric- 
 tion. The result was, that some of them de- 
 monstrated their zeal against ardent spirits 
 by a liberal use of fermented liquor. One of 
 them was interrupted in the midst of his 
 public harangue by a zealous teetotaler, who 
 exclaimed, “ I think the meeting ought to 
 be informed that the gentleman who is now 
 speaking has, to my certain knowledge, had 
 sixteen glasses of ale this veiy morning.” 
 
 napoleon’s willow. 
 
 Napoleon’s willow is a variety of the com- 
 mon weeping willow. It appears that the 
 willow is not indigenous to St. Helena ; but 
 that, when General Beatson was governor 
 in that island, he introduced it among a 
 great number of other trees and shrubs from 
 England. He had the greatest difficulty in 
 preserving his plantations from the nume- 
 rous goats which abounded in the island; 
 yet several of the trees survived, and attained 
 a timber-like size. Among these was the 
 tree of Salix Babylonica, which has since 
 been called Napoleon’s willow. This tree 
 grew among other trees, on the side of a val- 
 ley near a spring ; and, having attracted the 
 notice of Napoleon, he had a seat placed 
 under it, and used to go and sit there very 
 frequently, and have water brought to him 
 from the adjoining fountain. About the time 
 of Napoleon’s death, in 1821, a storm, it is 
 said, shattered the willow in pieces; and, 
 after the interment of the Emperor, Madame 
 Bertrand planted several cuttings of this tree 
 on the outside of the railings which sur- 
 rounded his grave ; and placed within it, on 
 the stone, several flower-pots, with hearts- 
 ease and forget-me-not. In 1828, we are 
 informed, these willows were found in a dy- 
 ing state, and twenty-eight young ones were, 
 in consequence, placed near the tomb, which 
 was at that time surrounded with a profusion 
 of scarlet-blossomed pelargoniums. A cor- 
 respondent, who was at St. Helena in 1834, 
 says one of the willows was then in a flourish- 
 ing condition ; but another, who was there 
 in 1835, describes it as going fast to decay, 
 owing to the number of pieces carried away 
 by visitors. It what year a cutting of this 
 willow was brought to England for the first 
 time we have not been able to ascertain ; but 
 it appears probable that it may have been in 
 the year 1823, and that one of the oldest 
 plants is that in the garden of the Roebuck 
 tavern on Richmond Hill, which, as it ap- 
 pears by a white marble tablet affixed to it, 
 was taken from the tree in that year. Since 
 that period it has become fashionable to pos- 
 sess a plant of the true Napoleon’s willow ; 
 and, in consequence, a great many cuttings 
 have been imported, and a number of plants 
 sold by the London nurserymen. 
 
HAIL WAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 49 
 
 A HARD CASE. 
 
 Among the remarkable things noticed by 
 Evelyn, in his “ Journal of his Tour in the 
 Netherlands,” is the case of a woman who had 
 been married five and twenty times, and was 
 then prohibited from marrying again ; “ yet 
 it could not be proved that she had ever made 
 any of her husbands away, though the suspi- 
 cion had brought h er divers times to trouble.” 
 
 HELPS TO MEMORY. 
 
 Gillez de Retz, Marshal of France (said 
 to be the veritable Blue Beard), was sen- 
 tenced to be led in chains to the place of 
 execution, and to be burnt alive at the stake. 
 The day appointed was the 28rd of October, 
 1440 — “ a dale,” says the historian, “ about 
 which there can be no doubt, for all the peo- 
 ple of Anjou and Maine, by common consent, 
 whipped their children that morning, so as to 
 impress the precise date on their memory.” 
 This strange mnemonic process is still a fa- 
 vourite with the peasants of Anjou and Brit- 
 tany. 
 
 INDIAN GHOST STORY. 
 
 There is a tale in the Nigaristan of Kemal- 
 Pascha-Zade, that one of the Sultans of Kho- 
 rassan saw, in a dream, Mahmoud, a hundred 
 years after his death, wandering about his 
 palace; his flesh rotten, his bones carious, 
 but his eyes full, anxious, and restless. A 
 dervise, who interpreted the dream, said, that 
 the eyes of Mahmoud were thus troubled, 
 because the kingdom, his beautiful spouse, 
 was now in the embrace of another. This 
 was that great Mahmoud, the Ghiznevide, 
 who was the first Mohammedan conqueror 
 that entered India, and the first who dropt 
 the title cf Malek, and assumed that of Sul- 
 tan in its stead. He it was who, after hav- 
 ing broken to pieces, with his own hands, the 
 gigantic idol of Somnauth, put to death 
 50,000 of its worshippers, as a further proof 
 of his holy Mohammedan indignation. In 
 the last days of his life, when a mortal dis- 
 ease was consuming him, and he himself 
 knew that no human means could arrest its 
 course, he ordered all his costliest apparel, 
 and his vessels of silver and gold, and his 
 pearls and precious stones, the inestimable 
 spoils of the East, to be displayed before 
 him ; the latt er were so numerous, that they 
 were arranged in separate cabinets, accord- 
 ing to their colour and size. It was in the 
 Royal residence which he had built for him- 
 self, in Gazera, and which he called the Pa- 
 lace of Felicity, that he took from this dis- 
 play, wherewith he had formerly gratified the 
 pride of his eye, a mournful lesson; and in 
 the then heartfelt conviction, that all is va- 
 nity, he wept like a child. “ What toils,” 
 said he, “ what dangers, what fatigues of 
 body and mind, have I endured for the sake 
 of acquiring these treasures ; and what cares 
 in preserving them ; and now I am about to 
 die and leave them !” In this same palace 
 he was interred; and there it was his un- 
 happy ghost, a century afterwards, was be- 
 lieved to linger. 
 
 A GOOD WISH. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott once gave an Irishman a 
 shilling, when sixpence would have been suf- 
 ficient. “ Remember, Pat,” said Sir Walter, 
 “ you owe me sixpence.” “ May your ho- 
 nour live till I pay you !” was the reply. 
 
 A POSER. 
 
 Foote was once met by a friend in town , 
 with a young man who was flashing away 
 very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: 
 — “ Why, Foote,” said his friend, “ you are 
 flat to-day; you don’t seem to relish wit!” 
 “ D — n it,” said Foote, “ you have not tried 
 me yet, sir.” 
 
 SAILORS. 
 
 Captain Basil Hall relates that he once 
 overheard the conversation of two of his 
 sailors in the streets of Valparaiso, who had 
 only been a few days in the country. One 
 said to the other, “ What do you think of 
 these people ?” “ Why,” replied his compa- 
 nion, with a look of thorough contempt. 
 “ will } T ou believe it ? the infernal fools call 
 a hat sombrero 1 ” 
 
 THE TWO LEGS. 
 
 An inexperienced young bride being asked 
 by her cook to choose her dinners during the 
 honeymoon, was anxious that her ignorance 
 should not peep out. She called to mind one 
 dish, and one dish only, and that she knew 
 by name ; it was a safe one, and substantial 
 too — “a leg of mutton.” So, several days 
 the leg of mutton came obedient to the mis- 
 tress’s order. Perhaps, the cook was weary 
 of it ; at last she ventured to inquire, 
 “ Should you not like some other thing to- 
 day, ma’am?” “Yes, let us have a leg of 
 beef, for change.” 
 
 JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD. 
 
 Formerly, it was customary, on emer- 
 gencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at 
 their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by 
 his father to attend a Judge’s chambers for 
 that purpose ; but being engaged to dine in 
 Russell-square, at the next house to Mr. 
 Justice Holroyd’s, he thought he might as 
 well save himself the disagreeable necessity 
 of leaving the party at eight, by despatching 
 his business at once : so, a few minutes before 
 six, he boldly knocked at the Judge’s, and 
 requested to speak to him on particular bu- 
 siness. The J udge was at dinner, but came 
 down without delay, swore the affidavit, and 
 then gravely asked what was the pressing 
 necessity that induced our friend to jisturb 
 him at that hour. As Smith told his story, 
 he raked his invention for a lie, but finding 
 none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the 
 truth : — “ The fact is, my Lord, I am en- 
 gaged to dine at the next house-^and — and 
 
 ” “ And, sir, you thought you might 
 
 as well save your own dinger by spoiling 
 
 mine?” “ Exactly so, my Ford ; but ” 
 
 “ Sir, I wish you a good evening.” Though 
 Smith brazened the matter out, he said he 
 never was more frightened. 
 
50 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 FREE TRADE. 
 
 Hussey Burgh, at the opening of the ses- 
 sion of 1777, moved the Address to the King, 
 in which wa3 the following sentence: — “It 
 is not by temporary expedients, but by an 
 extension of trade, that Ireland can be ame- 
 liorated.” Flood, who was seated in the 
 Vice-Treasurer’s place, said, audibly : “ Why 
 not a free trade?” The amendment electri- 
 fied tjie House; the words were adopted 
 by his friend, and the motion was carried 
 unanimously. 
 
 A CITY ATTORNEY. 
 
 Romilly’s father endeavoured, by his con- 
 versation, to give him a favourable opinion 
 of the life of a lawyer ; but, unfortunately, 
 the professional prototype did not succeed. 
 This was a Mr. Liddel, of Threadneedle- 
 street, described as “ a shortish, fat man, with 
 a ruddy countenance, which always shone as 
 if besmeared with grease ; a large wig sat 
 loose from his head ; his eyes constantly half 
 shut and drowsy ; all bis motions slow and 
 deliberate ; and his words slabbered out as if 
 he had not exertion enough to articulate. 
 His dark and gloomy house was filled with 
 dusty papers and voluminous parchment 
 deeds;” and, in his meagre library, Romilly 
 did not see a single volume which he should 
 not have been deterred, by its external ap- 
 pearance, from opening. The idea of a lawyer 
 and of Mr. Liddel were so identified in Mr. 
 Romilly’s mind, that he was at once dis- 
 gusted with the profession; and all his 
 thought of being an attorney were for a 
 time given up, as well by his father as 
 himself. 
 
 THE GHOST PUZZLED. 
 
 John Hoole, the translator of Tasso and 
 Ariosto, was subject to nearness of vision. 
 He had a great partiality for the drama, 
 and, in his younger days, would frequently 
 strut his hour upon the stage at an amateur 
 theatre in Lincoln’s Inn Fields. Upon one 
 of these occasions, whilst performing the 
 Ghost, in “ Hamlet,” Mr. Hoole wandered, 
 incautiously, too far from the trap-door 
 through which he had emerged from the 
 nether world, and by which it was his duty to 
 descend. In this dilemma, he groped about, 
 hoping to distinguish the aperture, whilst the 
 audience, who were ignorant why the Ghost 
 remained so long in the upper regions after 
 the crowing of the cock, expect ed him to favour 
 them with a second edition of that celebrated 
 scene. It was apparent, from the lips of the 
 Ghost, that he was holding converse with 
 some one behind the wings. He at length 
 became irritated — alas! poor Ghost! — and 
 ejaculated, in tones sufficiently audible, “ I 
 tell you I can’t find it.” The laughter which 
 ensued may be imagined. The Ghost (which 
 if it had been a sensible one, would have 
 walked off ) became more and more discom- 
 posed, until its perturbed spirit was placed, 
 by some of the bystanders, on the trap-door, 
 after -which it descended, with all due solem- 
 nity amid roars of laughter. 
 
 A SILK GOWN. 
 
 Grattan said of Hussey Burgh, who hau 
 been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk 
 gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men 
 knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and 
 that since the honourable member had been 
 enveloped in silk, no spark of patriotism had 
 reached his heart- 
 
 POLITICAL SINECURE. 
 
 Curran, after a debate which gave rise to 
 high words, put his hand to his heart, and 
 declared that he was the trusty guardian 
 of his own honour. Upon which Sir Boyle 
 Roche congratulated his honourable frieuu 
 on the snug little sinecure he had disco- 
 vered for himself. 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 An Irish lawyer, famed for cross-examin 
 ing, was, on one occasion, completely silenced 
 by a horse-dealer. “ Pray, Mr. , you be- 
 
 long to a very honest profession?” *• I can’t 
 say’ so,” replied the witness ; “ for, saving you 
 lawyers, I think it the most dishonest going.” 
 
 WRITE PLAIN. 
 
 A gentleman left a will expressing that 
 his property Avas to be left to a Mr. Loudon 
 or a Mr. London, both residing in the same 
 town, but by no means intimate. Legal pro- 
 ceedings decided in favour of Mr. Loudon, 
 merely because the testator was once seen to 
 speak to him, and because no such eAddence 
 appeared in favour of Mr. London. This 
 case occurred on account of the unintelligible 
 handwriting of the testator, whose n’s were 
 like it’ s, and whose u's were like 7t’s ; and all 
 this is only to be avoided by learning to Avrite 
 Avell in the first instance, and by writing care- 
 fully ever after. 
 
 “ FARTHING JAMIE.” 
 
 Sir James LoAvther, father of the first Lord 
 Lonsdale, when he visited London, used fre- 
 quently to dine incog, at some very obscure 
 and economical eating-house ; AA'here the price 
 of some article in the bill being adA r anced one 
 farthing, the thrifty Baronet took such mor- 
 tal offence, that he AvithdreAv his custom from 
 the house, and was ever afterwards knoAvn by 
 tbe soubriquet of “ Farthing Jamie.” 
 
 Wilkes's ready reply. 
 
 Luttrell and Wilkes were standing on the 
 Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his 
 adversary, privately, Avhether he thought 
 there Avere more fools or rogues among the 
 multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. 
 “ I’ll tell them Avhat you say, and put an end 
 to you,” said the Colonel. But, perceiving the 
 threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, 
 “ Surely you don’t mean to say you could 
 stand here one hour after I did so?” “ Why 
 (the ansAver was), you Avould not be alive 
 one instant after.” “IIoav so?” “I should 
 merely say it was a fabrication, and they 
 Avould destroy you in tbe twinkling of an 
 eye!” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 51 
 
 POLITICAL CORRUPTION. 
 
 Curran, when opposed to Lord Clare, said 
 that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, 
 who had raised himself by dark and dusky 
 ways, and then called aloud to his neighbours 
 to witness his dirty elevation. 
 
 FAMILIARITY. 
 
 A waiter named Samuel Spring having oc- 
 casion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., 
 when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter 
 as follows : — “ Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa 
 Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince 
 of Wales,” &c. His Royal Highness next day 
 saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of 
 his note, and the freedom of the style, said, 
 “ Sam, this may be very well between you 
 and me, but it will not do with the Norfolks 
 and Arundels.” 
 
 A CALCULATION. 
 
 After the death of the poet Chatterton, 
 there was found among his papers, indorsed 
 on a letter, intended for publication, addressed 
 to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 
 26, 1770, the following memorandum: — 
 “ Accepted by Binglev, set for, and thrown 
 out of the North Briton, 21st June, on account 
 of the Lord Mayor’s death : — 
 
 Lost by his death on this essay £1 11 6 
 
 Gained in elegies 2 2 0 
 
 Gained in essays 8 3 0 
 
 Am glad he is dead by . . . 3 13 6” 
 
 Yet the evident heartlessness of this calcula- 
 tion has been ingeniously vindicated by 
 Southey, in the Quarterly Review. 
 
 THE TWO TURBOTS. 
 
 Cardinal Fescb, a man of honour in the 
 annals of gastronomy, had invited a large 
 party of clerical magnates to dinner. By a 
 fortunate coincidence, two turbots of singular 
 beauty arrived as presents to his Eminence 
 on the very morning of the feast. To serve 
 both would appear ridiculous ; but the Car- 
 dinal was, notwithstanding, most anxious to 
 to have the credit of both. He imparted his 
 embarrassment to his chef. “ Be of good 
 faith, your Eminence,” was the reply, “ both 
 shall appear ; both shall enjoy the reception 
 which is their due.” The dinner was served ; 
 one of the turbots relieved the soup. Excla- 
 mations unanimous, enthusiastic, religious, 
 gastronomical — it was the moment of the 
 eprouvette positif. The maitre d'hotel ad- 
 vanced ; two attendants raised the monster, 
 and carried him off to cut him up ; but one 
 of them lost his equilibrium — the attendants 
 and the turbot roll together on the floor. At 
 this sad sight, the assembled Cardinals be- 
 came pale as death, and a solemn silence 
 reigned in the conclave — it was the moment 
 of the eprouvette negatif ; but the maitre 
 d' hotel suddenly turned to the attendant — 
 “Bring another turbot,” said he, with the 
 most perfect coolness. The other appeared, 
 and the eprouvette positif was gloriously re- 
 newed. 
 
 herne’s oak. 
 
 Among his anecdotes of celebrated English 
 oaks, we are surprised to find Mr. Loudon 
 adopting (at least so we understand him) an 
 apocryphal story about Herne’s oak given in 
 the lively page of Mr. Jesse’s “ Gleanings.” 
 That gentleman, if he had taken any trouble, 
 might have ascertained that the tree in ques- 
 tion was cut do >vn one morning, by order of 
 King George III., when in a state of great 
 but transient excitement : the circumstance 
 caused much regret and astonishment at the 
 time, and was commented on in the news- 
 papers. The oak, which Mr. Jesse would 
 decorate with Shakspearean honours, stands 
 at a considerable distance from the position 
 of the true Simon Pure. Every old woman 
 in Windsor knows all about the facts. 
 
 TOP AND BOTTOM. 
 
 The following playful colloquy in verse 
 took place at a dinner-table between Sir 
 George Rose and Jame3 Smith, in allusion to 
 Craven-street, Strand, where he resided : — 
 
 J. S. — “ At the top of my street, the attor- 
 neys abound, 
 
 And down at the bottom the barges are 
 found : 
 
 Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat, 
 
 For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the 
 street.” 
 
 Sir G. R. — “Why should honesty fly to 
 some safer retreat, 
 
 From attorneys and barges, od rot ’em ? 
 
 For the lawyers ar e just at the top of the 
 street, 
 
 And the barges are just at the bottom.” 
 
 THE RICHMOND HOAX. 
 
 One of the best practical jokes in Theodore 
 Hook’s clever “Gilbert Gurney,” is Daly’s 
 hoax upon the lady who had never been at 
 Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of 
 the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired 
 the waiter, after dinner, to bring some “ maids 
 of honour ” — those cheesecakes for which the 
 place has, time out of mind, been celebrated. 
 The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, 
 “ What do you mean by ‘ maids of honour?’ ” 
 “ Dear me !” said Daly, “ don’t you know that 
 this is so courtly a place, and so completely 
 under the influence of state etiquette, that 
 everything in Richmond is called after the 
 functionaries of the palace ? W hat are called 
 cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids 
 of honour ; a capon is called a lord chamber- 
 lain ; a goose is a lord steward ; a roast pig 
 is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, 
 grooms of the bedchamber ; a gooseberry tart, 
 a gentleman usher of the black rod ; and so 
 on.” The unsophisticated lady w'as taken 
 in, when she actually saw the maids of honour 
 make, their appearance in the shape of cheese- 
 cakes ; she convulsed the whole party by turn- 
 ing to the waiter, and desiring him, in a 
 sweet, but decided tone, to bring her a gen- 
 tleman usher of the black rod, if they had 
 one in the house quite cold ! 
 
52 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CHEMISTRY OF HEAT. 
 
 A chemist in Albany, expatiating on the 
 late discoveries in chemical science, observed 
 that snow had been found to possess a con- 
 siderable degree of heat. An Irishman pre- 
 sent, at this remark, observed, “ that truly 
 chemistry was a valuable science,” and (anx- 
 ious that the discovery might be made pro- 
 fitable) inquired of the orator what number 
 of snowballs would be sufficient to boil a 
 tea-kettle ! 
 
 Talleyrand’s promise. 
 
 A creditor to whom the Prince was in- 
 debted in a heavy sum, waited on him as he 
 was setting off on his last departure for this 
 country ; not to take so great a liberty as to 
 ask for his money, but merely to ascertain 
 any time, however remote, when he might 
 presume to ask for a part of it. The diplo- 
 matist’s only reply to the inquisitive intruder 
 was, “Monsieur, vous etes bien curieux;” 
 and no one but the diplomatist could have 
 made such a reply. 
 
 DINNER INVITATIONS. 
 
 A nice point is thus settled in “ Boswell’s 
 Life of Dr. Johnson — Boswell : “ I consider 
 distinction of rank to be of so much im- 
 portance in civilized society, that if I were 
 asked on the same day to dine with the first 
 duke in England, and with the first man in 
 Britain for genius, I should hesitate which to 
 prefer .” — Johnson : “ To be sure, sir, if you 
 were to dine only once, and it were never to 
 be known where you dined, you would choose 
 rather to dine with the first man for genius ; 
 but, to gain respect, you should dine with 
 the first duke in England ; for nine people 
 in ten that you meet with would have a 
 higher opinion of you for having dined with 
 a duke ; and the great genius himself would 
 receive you better because you had been with 
 the great duke.’* 
 
 MATHEWS AND THE SILVER SPOON. 
 
 Amongst Mathews’s pranks of younger 
 days, that is to say, when he first came from 
 York to the Haymarket Theatre, he was in- 
 vited, with F and some other performers, 
 
 to dine with Mr. A , now an eminent sil- 
 
 versmith, but who, at that period, followed 
 the business of a pawnbroker. It so hap- 
 pened that A was called out of the par- 
 
 lour, at the back of the shop, during dinner. 
 Mathews, with wonderful celerity, altering 
 his hair, countenance, hat, &c., took a large 
 gravy-spoon off the dinner-table, ran in- 
 stantly into the street, entered one of the 
 little dark doors leading to the pawnbroker’s 
 counter, and actually pledged to the uncon- 
 scious A his own gravy-spoon. Mathews 
 
 contrived with equal rapidity to return and 
 seat himself (having left the street -door open) 
 
 before A re-appeared at the dirfner- table. 
 
 As a matter of ccunse, this was made the 
 subject of a ■wager. An fclaircissement took 
 place before the party broke up, to the infi- 
 nite astonishment of A -. 
 
 THE TEETOTALLER OUTWITTED. 
 
 Dr. Channing (of the United States) was 
 one day paying toll, when he perceived a 
 notice of gin, rum, tobacco, &c , on a board 
 which bore a strong resemblance to a grave- 
 stone. “ I am glad to see,” said the doctor 
 to the girl who received the toll, “ that you 
 have been burying these things.” “ And if 
 we had,” said the girl, “ I don’t doubt you 
 would have gone chief mourner.” 
 
 TOM DIBDIN AND THE LOZENGE. 
 
 Tom Dibdin had a cottage near Box-hill, 
 to which, after his theatrical labours, he was 
 delighted to retire. One stormy night, after 
 Mr. and Mrs. Dibdin had been in bed some 
 time, Mrs. D. being kept awake by the vio- 
 lence of the weather, aroused her husband, 
 exclaiming, “ Tom, Tom, get up !” “ What 
 
 for?” said he. “ Don’t you hear how very 
 bad the wind is ?” “ Is it ?” replied Dibdin, 
 half asleep, but could not help punning: 
 “ Put a peppermint lozenge out of the win- 
 dow, my dear; it is the best thing in the 
 world for the wind.” 
 
 SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH AT BOMBAY. 
 
 During Sir James Mackintosh’s Recorder- 
 ship of Bombay, a singular incident occurred. 
 Two Dutchmen having sued for debt two 
 English officers, Lieuts. Macguire and Cauty, 
 these officers resolved to waylay and assault 
 them. This was rather a resolve made in a 
 drunken excitement, than a deliberate pur- 
 pose. Fortunately, the Dutchmen pursued 
 a different route from that which they had 
 intended, and they prosecuted the two officers, 
 for the offence of lying in wait with intent to 
 murder : they were found guilty, and brought 
 up for judgment. Previous to his pronounc- 
 ing judgment, however, Sir James received 
 an intimation that the prisoners had con- 
 ceived the project of shooting him as he sat. 
 on the bench, and that one of them had for 
 that purpose a loaded pistol in his writing- 
 desk. It is remarkable that the intimation 
 did not induce him to take some precautions 
 to prevent its execution — at any rate, not to 
 expose himself needlessly to assassination. 
 On the contrary, the circumstances only sug- 
 gested the following remarks : “ I have been 
 credibly informed that you entertained the 
 desperate project of destroying your own lives- 
 at that bar, after having previously destroyed 
 the judge who now addresses you. If that 
 murderous project had been executed, I 
 should have been the first British judge who 
 ever stained with his blood the seat of j ustice. 
 But I can never die better than in the dis- 
 charge of my duty.” All this eloquence 
 might have been spared : Macguire sub- 
 mitted to the judge’s inspection of his 
 writing-desk, aud showed him that, though 
 it contained two pistols, neither of them was 
 charged. It is supposed to have been a 
 hoax — a highly mischievous one, indeed ; 
 but the statement was prinui facie so impro- 
 bable, that it was absurd to g*ive it the 
 slightest credit. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 53 
 
 FLIGHT OF THE PF.INCESS CHARLOTTE. 
 
 In a fine evening of July, about the hour 
 of seven, when the streets are deserted by 
 all persons of condition, the young Princess 
 Charlotte rushed out of her residence in 
 Warwick House, unattended, hastily crossed 
 Cockspur -street, flung herself into the first 
 hackney-coach she could find, and drove to 
 her mother’s house in Connaught-place. The 
 Princess of Wales having gone to pass the 
 day at her Blackheath villa, a messenger was 
 despatched for her, another for her law 
 adviser, Mr. Brougham, and a third for Miss 
 Mercer Elphinstone, the young Princess’s 
 bosom friend. Brougham arrived before the 
 Princess of Wales had returned; and Miss 
 Elphinstone had alone obeyed the summons. 
 Soon after the Royal mother came, accom- 
 panied by Lady Charlotte Lindsay, her lady 
 in waiting. It was found that the Princess 
 Charlotte’s fixed resolution wa3 to leave her 
 father’s house, and that which he had ap- 
 pointed for her residence, and to live thence- 
 forth with her mother. But Mr. Brougham 
 is understood to have felt himself under the 
 painful necessity of explaining to her that, 
 bv the law, as all the twelve judges but one 
 had laid it down in George I.’s reign, and 
 as it was now admitted to be settled, the 
 King or the Regent had the absolute power 
 to dispose of the persons of all the Royal 
 Family while under age. The Duke of Sus- 
 sex, who had always taken her part, was 
 sent for, and attended the invitation to join 
 in these consultations. It was an untoward 
 incident in this remarkable affair, that he 
 had never seen the Princess of Wales since 
 the investigation of 1806, which had begun 
 upon a false charge brought by the wife of 
 one of his equerries, and that he had, without 
 any kind of warrant from the fact, been 
 supposed by the Princess to have set on, or 
 at least supported, the accuser. He, how- 
 ever, warmly joined in the whole of the de- 
 liberations of that singular night. As soon 
 as the flight of the young lady was ascer- 
 tained, and the place of her retreat disco- 
 vered, the Regent’s officers of state and 
 other functionaries were despatched after 
 her. The Lord Chancellor Eldon first ar- 
 rived, but not in any particularly imposing 
 state, or, “ regard being had” to his eminent 
 station ; for, indeed, he came in a hackney- 
 coach. Whether it was that the example 
 of the Princess Charlotte herself had for the 
 day brought this simple and economical 
 mode of conveyance into fashion, or that 
 concealment was much studied, or that de- 
 spatch was deemed more essential than cere- 
 mony and pomp— certain it is, that all who 
 came, including the Duke of York, arrived 
 in similar vehicles, and that some remained 
 inclosed in them, without entering the Royal 
 mansion. At length, after much pains and 
 many entreaties, used by the Duke of Sus- 
 sex and the Princess of Wales herself, as well 
 as Miss Elphinstone and Lady C. Lindsay 
 (whom she always honoured with a just re- 
 gard), to enforce the advice given by Mr 
 
 Brougham, that she should return without 
 delay to her own residence, and submit to the 
 Regent, the young Princess, accompanied 
 by the Duke of York and her governess, 
 who had now been sent for, and arrived in a 
 Royal carriage, returned to Warwick House, 
 between four and five o’clock in the morn- 
 ing. There was then a Westminster election 
 in progress, in consequence of Lord Coch- 
 rane’s expulsion ; and it is said that on her 
 complaining to Mr. Brougham that he, too, 
 was deserting her, and leaving her in her fa- 
 ther’s power, when the people would have 
 stood by her — he took her to the window, 
 when the morning had just dawned, and, 
 pointing to the Park, and the spacious 
 streets which lay before her, said that he 
 had only to show her a few hours later on 
 the spot where she now stood, and all the 
 people of this vast metropolis would be ga- 
 thered together on that plain, with one 
 common feeling in her behalf— but that the 
 triumph of one hour would be dearly pur- 
 chased by the consequences which must as- 
 suredly follow in the next, when the troops 
 poured in, and quelled all resistance to the 
 clear and undoubted law of the land, with 
 the certain effusion of blood — nay, that 
 through the rest of her life she never would 
 escape the odium which, in this country, al- 
 ways attends those who, by breaking the 
 law, occasion such calamities. Thi3 conside- 
 ration, much more than any quailing of her 
 dauntless spirit, or faltering of her filial af- 
 fection, is believed to have weighed upon her 
 mind, and induced her to return home. 
 
 ABSENCE OF MIND. 
 
 The first Lord Lyttelton was very absent 
 in company. One day, at dinner, his Lord- 
 ship pointed to a particular dish, and asked 
 to be helped of it, calling it, however, by a 
 name very different from that which the dish 
 contained. A gentleman was about to tell 
 him of his mistake — “Never mind,” whispered 
 another of the party, “ help him to what he 
 asked for, and he will suppose it is what he 
 wanted.” 
 
 SHERIDAN CONVIVIAL. 
 
 Lord Byron notes: — “What a wreck is 
 Sheridan ! and all from bad pilotage ; for no 
 one had ever better gales, though now and 
 then a little squally. Poor dear Sherry i I 
 shall never forget the day he, and Rogers, 
 and Moore, and I passed together, when lie 
 talked and we listened, without one yawn, 
 from six to one in the morning. 
 
 One night, Sheridan was found in the 
 street by a watchman, bereft of that “ divine 
 particle of air” called reason, and fuddled, 
 and bewildered, and almost insensible. He, 
 the watchman, asked, “Who are you, sir?” 
 No answer. “What’s 3 r our name?” A 
 hiccup. “What’s your name?” Answer, 
 in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, 
 “ Wilberforce !” Byron notes, “ Is not that 
 Sherry all over? — and to my mind excellent. 
 Poor fellow ! his very dregs are better than 
 the first sprightly runnings o f others.” 
 
54 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 THE WRONG LEG. 
 
 Mathews being invited by D’Egvifie to 
 dine one day with him at Brighton, D’Eg- 
 ville inquired what was Mathews’s favourite 
 dish ? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and 
 onions. This was provided ; and D’Eg- 
 ville, carving, swore that he could not find 
 the stuffing. He turned the joint all over, 
 but in vain. Poole was at table, and, in his 
 quiet way. said “Don’t make yourself un- 
 happy, D’Egville ; perhaps it is in the other 
 leg.” 
 
 SMOKING CLUB. 
 
 Frederick William I., King of Prussia, 
 patronised smoking clubs, the members being 
 mostly generals and staff- officers. Two of 
 
 them who did not smoke, to conform to the 
 King’s regulation, held unlighted pipes to 
 their mouths, and puffed and blew like capital 
 smokers. The tobacco was not good, and the 
 Sovereign was displeased if any one brought 
 better of his own. At seven o’clock bread, 
 butter, and cheese were brought in, and some- 
 times a ham and roast veal : now and then 
 the King treated his guests with a dish of fish 
 and a salad, which he dressed with his own 
 hands. 
 
 A MUNCHAUSEN STORY. 
 
 A Cossack of the line, named Slavouski, 
 was riding, early in January, from Schirm.lls 
 to Linkoram, when a tiger sprang from the 
 ground upon the back of his horse. With 
 the most cool resolution, the brave soldier 
 made a well-directed back stroke with his 
 sword, and clove the head of the beast in 
 twain. He then alighted, and, having extin- 
 guished all remaining life in the animal, by 
 firing both pistols close to its body, flayed off 
 the skin, and carried it in triumph to Lin- 
 koram. It measured five yards from the 
 muzzle to the tip of the tail. The bold fellow 
 received a reward of five hundred roubles. 
 
 EATING FAST. 
 
 Napoleon was a very fast eater. At a 
 grand concert at the Tuileries, from the 
 moment he and his guests sat down, till the 
 coffee was served, not more than forty-three 
 or four minutes elapsed. They were then 
 bowed out. With Napoleon, the moment 
 appetite was felt, it was necessary that it 
 should be satisfied; and his establishment 
 was so arranged, that in all places, and at all 
 hours, chicken, cutlets, and coffee might be 
 forthcoming at a word. This habit of eating 
 fast and carelessly is supposed to have 
 paralyzed Napoleon on two of the most 
 critical events of his life — the battles of 
 Borodino and Leipsic, which he might have 
 converted into decisive and influential vic- 
 tories by pushing his advantages as he was 
 wont. On each of these occasions, he is 
 known to have been suffering from indi- 
 gestion. On the third day of Dresden, too, 
 the German novelist, Hoffman, who was 
 present in the town, asserts that the Emperor 
 would have done much more then he did, but 
 for the effects of a shoulder of mutton stuffed 
 with onions. 
 
 CONSULTATION OF PHYSICIANS. 
 
 A man much addicted to drinking being 
 extremely ill with a fever, a consultation was 
 held in his bed-chamber, by three physi- 
 cians how to “cure the fever and abate 
 the thirst” “Gentlemen,” said he, “I will 
 take half the trouble off your hands : you 
 cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst 
 myself.” 
 
 THE WAY TO WIN A KISS. 
 
 The late Mr. Bush used to tell this story 
 of a brother barrister: — As the coach was 
 about starting, before breakfas", the modest 
 limb of the law approached the landlady, a 
 pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the 
 fire, and said be could not think of going 
 without giving her a kiss. “ Friend,” said 
 she, “ thee must not do it.” “ Oh ! by 
 heavens, I will!” replied the barrister. 
 
 ‘ ‘ Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may 
 do it ! but thee must not make a practice of 
 it.” 
 
 A MISTAKE. 
 
 Lord Melcombe was a friend and patron of 
 James Ralph, the dramatist; but the silly 
 blunder of a servant had nearly caused a 
 rupture between them. Lord Melcombe, 
 one day, ordered his servant to go to Ralph, 
 who lived not far from his Lordship, at Isle- 
 worth, and take with him a card for a dinner 
 invitation to Mr.- Ralph and his wife. The 
 servant mistook the word card for cart, and 
 set out full speed with the latter. The sup- 
 posed indignity offended the pride of Ralph, 
 who, with great gravity, sent back the mes- 
 senger and his carriage, with a long ex- 
 postulatory letter. 
 
 NO JUDGE. 
 
 A certain Judge of our time having some- 
 what hastily delivered judgment in a par- 
 ticular case, a King’s Counsel observed, in a 
 tone loud enough to reach the bench, “ Good 
 Heavens! every judgment of this court is a 
 mere toss-up.” “But heads seldom win,”" 
 observed a learned barrister, sitting behind 
 him. On another occasion, this wit proposed 
 the following riddle for solution : — “ Why 
 
 does (the Judge in question) commit an 
 
 act in bankruptcy every day?” The answer 
 was. “ Because he daily gives a judgment 
 without consideration.” 
 
 THE SOLECISM. 
 
 “ I know,” says Balzac, “ no such sura 
 test of a gentleman as this, that he never 
 corrects a solecism in conversation, or seems 
 to know that a solecism has been committed. 
 
 There is the Marquis de (we forget his 
 
 title), confessedly the best bred man in 
 France, and one of the most learned and elo- 
 quent, to whom a Provencal may talk two 
 hours without losing the impression that he 
 delights the Marquis by the purity of his- 
 dietion; whereas, there is hardly a little 
 abbe, or avocat, or illiterate pan'cnu, to whom 
 one can speak without being corrected at 
 every third sentence.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 55 
 
 “ TIPPING THE COLD SHOULDER.” 
 
 Many years ago, when the wealthy Mrs. 
 Coutts visited Sir Walter Scott at Abbots- 
 ford, it so happened that there were already 
 in the house several ladies, Scotch and 
 English, of high birth and rank, who felt by 
 no means disposed to assist their host and 
 hostess in making Mrs. Coutts’s visit agreeable 
 to her. On the first day of her stay, Sir Walter 
 Scott, during dinner, did everything in his 
 power to counteract this influence of the evil 
 eye, and something to overawe it ; but the 
 spirit of mischief had been fairly stirred, and 
 it was easy to see that Mrs. Coutts followed 
 these noble dames to the drawingroom in 
 by no means that complacent mood which 
 was customarily sustained, doubtless, by 
 every blandishment of obsequious flattery in 
 this mistress of millions. He cut the gen- 
 tlemen’s sederunt short, and soon after join- 
 ing the ladies, managed to withdraw the 
 youngest, and gayest, and cleverest, who was 
 also the highest in rank (a lovely Mar- 
 chioness), into his armorial- hall adjoining. 
 He said to her, “ I want to speak a word with 
 you about Mrs. Coutts. We have known 
 each other a good while, and I know you 
 won’t take anything I can say in ill part. It 
 is, I hear, not uncommon among the fine ladies 
 in London to be very well pleased to accept 
 invitations, and even sometimes to hunt after 
 them, to Mrs. Coutts’s grand balls and fetes, 
 and then, if they meet her in any private 
 circle, to practise on her the delicate ma- 
 noeuvre called tipping the cold shoulder. This 
 you agree with me is shabby; but it is 
 nothing new either to you or to me, that 
 fine people will do shabbinesses for which 
 beggars might blush, if they once stoop so 
 low as to poke for tickets. I am sure you 
 would not for the world do such a thing; 
 but you must permit me to take the great 
 liberty of saying, that I think the style you 
 have all received my guest, Mrs. Coutts, in, 
 this evening, is, to a certain extent, a sin of 
 the same order. You were all told, a couple 
 of days ago, that I had accepted her visit, 
 and that she would arrive to-day to stay 
 three nights. Now, if any of you had not been 
 disposed to be of my party at the same time 
 with her, there was plenty of time for you 
 to have gone away before she came ; and as 
 none of you moved, and it was impossible 
 to fancy that any of you would remain out 
 of mere curiosity, I thought I had a perfect 
 right to calculate on your having made up 
 your minds to help me" out with her.” The 
 beautiful Peeress answered, “I thank you, 
 Sir Walter; you have done me the great 
 honour to speak as if I had been your 
 daughter, and depend upon it you shall be 
 obeyed with heart and good-will.” One by 
 one, the other exclusives were seen engaged 
 in a little tete-a-tete with her Ladyship. 
 Sir Walter was soon satisfied that things bad 
 been put into a right train; the Mar- 
 chioness was requested to sing a particular 
 song, because he thought it would please 
 Mrs. Coutts. “Nothing could gratify her 
 
 more than to please Mrs. Coutts.” Mrs. 
 Coutts’s brow smoothed, and in the course of 
 half an hour she was as happy and easy as 
 ever she was in her life, rattling away at 
 comic anecdotes of her early theatrical 
 years, and joining in the chorus cf Six 
 Adam’s “ Laird of Cockpen.” She stayed 
 out her three days — saw, accompanied by all 
 the circle, Melrose, Dry’ burgh, and Yarrow — 
 and left Abbotsford delighted with her host 
 and, to all appearance, with his other guests 
 
 THE WIFE’S CHANCE. 
 
 Late one night, that most miserable of all 
 human beings, a drunken husband, after 
 spending his whole time at his club, set out 
 for home. “ Well,” said he to himself, “ if I 
 find my wife up, I’ll scold her : what business 
 has she to sit up, wasting fire and light, eh ? 
 And if I find her in bed, I’ll scold her : what 
 right has she to go to bed before I get 
 home?” 
 
 FELICITOUS LOOKS. 
 
 Foremost among the pleasures of the table 
 are what an elegant novelist has termed 
 “ those felicitous moods in which our animal 
 spirits search, and carry up, as it were, to the 
 surface, our intellectual gifts and acquisi- 
 tions.” Of such moods the late Sir Thomas- 
 Lawrence took peculiar advantage ; for it is 
 said that he frequently invited his sitters (for 
 their portraits) to partake of the hospitalities 
 of his table, and took the most favourable 
 opportunity of “stealing” from them their 
 “good looks,” traits which he felicitously 
 transferred to the canvass. 
 
 THURLOW AND PITT. 
 
 About the year 1790, when the Lord Chan- 
 cellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no 
 very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. 
 Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow 
 drew with them? “I don’t know,” said 
 the Premier, “ how he draws, but he has not 
 refused his oats yet.” 
 
 A POSER. 
 
 At Plymouth there is, or was, a small 
 green opposite the Government House, over 
 which no one was permitted to pass. Not a 
 creature was allowed to approach, save the 
 General’s cow ; and the sentries had parti- 
 cular orders to turn awaj’ any one who ven- 
 tured to cross the forbidden turf. One day 
 old Lady D , having called at the Gene- 
 
 ral’s, in order to make a short cut, bent her 
 steps across the lawn, when she was arrested 
 by the sentry calling out, and desiring her 
 to return, and go the other road. She re- 
 monstrated; the man said he could not dis- 
 obey his orders, which were to prevent any 
 one crossing that piece of ground. “ But,” 
 
 said Lady D , with a stately air, “ do you 
 
 know who I am?” “I don’t know who 
 you be, ma’am,” replied the immovable 
 sentry, “but I knows who you b’aint — you 
 
 b’aint the General’s cow.” So Lady D 
 
 wisely gave up the argument, and went the 
 other way. 
 
56 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A DULL MAN. 
 
 Lord Byron knew a dull man wlio lived on 
 a bon mot of Moore’s for a week ; and his 
 Lordship once offered a wager of a consi- 
 derable sum that the reciter was guiltless of 
 understanding its point ; but he could get no 
 one to accept the bet. 
 
 IGNORANCE BLISS. 
 
 Oaptain Alexander notes, from the Hill 
 Damaras (in South Africa), “ I could make 
 nothing out to show they had any, the most 
 imperfect religious impressions. ‘ Who made 
 the sun?’ I asked them. ‘We don’t know: 
 we are a stupid people — we don’t know any- 
 thing : only let us get plenty to eat — that is 
 all we care for,’ was the common answer the 
 Captain got from this benighted people. 
 
 SMOKING. 
 
 Joshua Silvester questions whether the 
 devil has done more harm, in later ages, by 
 means of fire and smoke, through the inven- 
 tion of guns or of tobacco-pipes ; and be con- 
 jectures that Satan introduced the fashion as 
 a preparatory course of smoking for those who 
 are to be matriculated in his own college : — 
 
 “ As roguing gipsies tan their little elves, 
 
 To make them tann’d and ugly like them- 
 selves.” 
 
 When the practice of smoking was first in- 
 troduced into England, it was said children 
 “ began to play with broken pipes, instead 
 of corals, to make way for their teeth.” 
 
 ADVANTAGES OF EARLY TRAINING. 
 
 The following dialogue is reported to have 
 passed at the Queen’s County Assizes, be- 
 tween a medical witness and a barrister : — 
 Mr. Hayes (the barrister): If a person 
 
 tying on wet straw were deprived of all the 
 comforts or necessaries of life, would it not 
 hasten death? — Dr. Edge: That would 
 greatly depend on whether he had been 
 accustomed to them. — Mr. Hayes: Do you 
 mean to tell us that if a person lived in a 
 horsepond, it would not be injurious to him? 
 — Dr. Edge : I think not, if he had lived 
 for sixty or seventy years in it. 
 
 PRACTICAL DEFINITION. 
 
 The Jesuit, Manuel de Vergara, used to 
 relate that, when he was a little boy, he 
 asked a Dominican friar what was the mean- 
 ng of the seventh commandment, for he said 
 he could not tell what committing adultery 
 was. The friar, not knowing how to answer, 
 cast a perplexed look around the room, and, 
 thinking he had found a safe reply, pointed 
 to a kettle on the fire, and said the com- 
 mandment meant that he must never put his 
 hand into the pot when it was boiling. The 
 very next day a loud scream alarmed the 
 amity ; and, behold, there was little Manuel 
 running about the room, holding up his 
 scalded finger, and exclaiming, “ Oh, dear ! 
 oh, dear! I’ve committed adultery ! I’ve com- 
 mitted adultery ! I’ve committed adultery 1” 
 
 Massillon’s p reaching. 
 
 Louis XIV. said one day to Massillon, after 
 hearing him preach at Versailles : “Father, 
 I have heard many great orators in this 
 chapel; I have been highly pleased with 
 them ; but for you, whenever I hear you, I 
 go away displeased with myself, for I see 
 more of my own character.” This has been 
 considered the finest encomium ever be- 
 stowed upon a preacher. 
 
 MATHEWS MISGUIDED. 
 
 During an Irish debate, Mathews wa 3 
 a constant attendant at the House of Com- 
 mons. He took his station under the gal- 
 ley, by permission of the Speaker. These 
 debates being frequently carried on to a late 
 hour, his friend, Mr. Parratt, of Millbank, 
 gave him a bed at his house. One night, on 
 his way to Millbank, having got half-way 
 home, he was, from fatigue, arising from his 
 lameness, compelled to rest against a post It 
 is pretty well known that Mathews had many 
 antipathies, such as one year hating mutton 
 and eating nothing but beef, and the next 
 disliking beef and eating nothing but mut- 
 ton. Amongst other things, he had a great 
 dislike to the jingling of keys, or the rattling 
 of money in another person’s pocket. On 
 the present occasion he had partially reco- 
 vered himself, and was hesitating whether it 
 were better to proceed, or to return, that is, to 
 return to the coach-stand in Palace- yard, or 
 go to Mr. Parratt’s, when he heard a sounu 
 like the rattling of keys close to him, and 
 turning round to see whence it came, he be- 
 held a tall man, with a great coat reaching 
 down to his heels, who civilly inquired if he 
 was ill, and whether he could afford him any 
 assistance. Mathews told him where he was 
 going, and that he was lame ; the stranger 
 offered him his arm, which he accepted. 
 They had not proceeded many yards when 
 the same jingling noise again arrested his 
 attention, which his new friend perceiving, 
 advised a slower pace; this being adopted, 
 the unwelcome sound ceased, and they got 
 on remarkably well, till they arrived at the 
 Iiorseferry-road. The moment they came in 
 sight of the Thames, up went his conductor’s 
 arms suddenly and violently, and the keys 
 again rattled; they were then immediately 
 under an immense gas-lamp of a gin-palace, 
 and Mathews looked down to see where the 
 noise came from : his new friend’s coat having 
 flown open, he saw — oh! horror! — appen- 
 dages to his legs that clearly proved he had 
 just broken out of prison. Expecting he 
 should be murdered, and that the raising of 
 his hand was a signal for assistance, spite of 
 his lameness, Mathews took to his heels, and 
 ran every step of the way till he reached his 
 friend’s door, never venturing to look back, 
 until the use he had made of his friend’s 
 knocker had not only roused the inmates, 
 but half the neighbourhood; then looking 
 towards the water, he saw his fettered ac- 
 quaintance limp into a boat and row off with 
 all possible celerity. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 57 
 
 A WARM WISH. 
 
 A celebrated senator once said, “ he hoped 
 to see the day when the Negroes in the West 
 Indies would peaceably enjoy their own fire- 
 sides. 5 ’ Talk of a people enjoying their 
 firesides in a climate where, in January, the 
 mercury stands at 92 deg. in the shade ! 
 There is fever in the very thought. 
 
 PARSIMONY OF NOLLEKENS. 
 
 Nollekens, the sculptor, was a paragon of 
 parsimony. In his own house candles were 
 never lighted at the commencement of the 
 evening ; and whenever he and his wife 
 heard a knock at the door, they would wait 
 until they heard a second rap, before they lit 
 the candles, lest the first should have been 
 “ a runaway,” and their candles wasted. 
 Noilekens’s biographer was assured that a 
 pair of moulds, by being nursed, and put out 
 when company went away, once lasted a 
 whole year ! By his wife begging a clove, 
 or a bit of cinnamon, “to take some un- 
 pleasant taste out of her mouth,” and such 
 mean shifts, the parsimonious pair contrived 
 to keep their spice-box constantly replen- 
 ished. 
 
 Nollekens was a Roman Catholic. Being 
 visited, one rainy morning, by his confessor, 
 he invited the holy father to stay till the 
 weather cleared up. The wet, however, con- 
 tinued till dinner was ready, and Nollekens 
 felt obliged to ask the priest to partake of a 
 bird, one of the last of a present from the 
 Duke of Newcastle. Down they sat; the 
 reverend man helped his host to a wing, and 
 then carved for himself, assuring Nollekens 
 that he never indulged in much food, though 
 he soon picked the rest of the bones. “ I 
 have no puddings,” said Nollekens ; “ but 
 will you have a glass of wine? — oh! you’ve 
 got some ale.” However, a bottle of wine 
 was brought in ; and, on the remove, Nolle- 
 kens, after taking a glass, as usual, went to 
 sleep. The priest, after enjoying himself, 
 was desired by Nollekens, after removing 
 the handkerchief from his head, to take ano - 
 ther glass. “ Thank you, sare, I have a 
 finish de bottel.” “The devil you have!” 
 muttered Nollekens. “ Now, sare,” con- 
 tinued his reverence, “ as de rain be over, I 
 will take my leaf.” “ Well, do so,” said Nol- 
 lekens ; who was determined not only to let 
 him go without his coffee, but gave strict or- 
 ders to the servant not to let the old fellotv 
 in again. “Why, do you know,” continued 
 he, “ that he ate up all that large bird ; for 
 he only gave me one wing ; and he swal- 
 lowed all the ale ; and out of a whole bottle 
 of wine, I had only one glass.” 
 
 One day a poor old artist was asked by 
 Nollekens, what made him look so dull ? 
 
 “ I am low-spirited,” he replied. “ Then 
 go to the pump, and take a drink of water,” 
 was the advice in return; and, in justifica- 
 tion of this strange advice, Nollekens as- 
 serted, that, when he was low-spirited, the 
 pump always brought him to. 
 
 RESURRECTIONIST BROIL. 
 
 Lord Norbury’s puns were innumerable 
 One of the best "was as follows ; — When the 
 subject of removing Paine’s bones to Eng- 
 land was in agitation, and he was asked foi 
 his opinion, he said that they would be very 
 good to make a broil ! [What might one saj 
 of Napoleon’s?] 
 
 PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND. 
 
 In the reign of George II., one Crowle, a 
 counsel of some eminence, made some ob- 
 servation before an election committee, which 
 was considered to reflect on the House itself. 
 The House accordingly summoned him to 
 their bar, and he was forced to receive a re- 
 primand from the Speaker, on his knees. As 
 he rose from the ground, with the utmost 
 nonchalance , he took out his handkerchief, 
 and, wiping his knees, coolly observed, “ that 
 it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in 
 in his life.” 
 
 INGRATITUDE. 
 
 When Duchesnois, the celebrated French 
 actress, died, a person met an old man who 
 was one of her most intimate friends. lie 
 was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one 
 was trying to console him, but in vain. 
 “ Her loss,” he exclaimed, “ does not affect 
 me so much as her horrible ingratitude. 
 Would you believe it? she died without 
 leaving me anything in her will — I, who 
 have dined with her, at her own house , three 
 times a week for thirty years!” 
 
 THE RULING PASSION. 
 
 A Mr. , a Mastery in Chancery, was on 
 
 his death-bed — a very wealthy man. Some 
 
 occasion of great urgency occurred, in which 
 it was necessary to make an affidavit, and 
 the attorney, missing one or two other mas- 
 ters whom he inquired after, ventured to ask 
 if Mr. would be able to receive the de- 
 
 position. The proposal seemed to give him 
 momentary strength ; his clerk was sent for, 
 and the oath taken in due form. The mas- 
 ter was lifted up in his bed, and with diffi- 
 culty subscribed the paper ; as he sank 
 down again, he made a signal to his clerk — 
 “Wallace.” “Sir?” “Your ear — lower — 
 lower. Have you got the half-crown?” He 
 was dead before morning. 
 
 PATRIARCHAL CHAMBERMAID. 
 
 Died, at Elgin, in 1838, Mrs. Batchen, aged 
 107 years. This long-liver dwelt in Elgin 
 from her infancy. She was, in the year of 
 the Rebellion, 1745, servant to Lady Arra- 
 dowal, who, at that time, resided in the house 
 formerly belonging to the Earls of Sunder- 
 land, and lately called Batchen’s Hall, a por- 
 tion of which remains. Prince Charles 
 Stuart, on his way to Culloden, slept in this 
 house, and Mrs. Batchen helped to make his 
 bed. She used to relate that her mistress, 
 Lady Arradowal, a stanch Jacobite, laid 
 aside the sheets in which the Prince had 
 lain, and gave strict orders that wlien she 
 died they might be used as her shroud. 
 
58 
 
 kAILWAY anecdote book. 
 
 WILKES UPON JOHNSON. 
 
 In his English Grammar, prefixed to his 
 Dictionary, Johnson had written — “He sel- 
 dom, perhaps never, begins any but the first 
 syllable.” Wilkes published some remarks 
 upon this dictum, commencing : “ The 
 
 author of this observation must be a man of 
 quick apprehension, and of a most compre- 
 hensive genius.” 
 
 GOOD ADVICE. 
 
 A law student once called upon Lord Mans- 
 field with a letter of introduction ; and, after 
 some inquiries, the veteran Judge asked him 
 if he were perfect in “ Coke upon Lyttelton.” 
 He replied that he was not altogether 
 perfect, but intended reading it over again 
 for the third time. “Take a little rest, sir, 
 take a little rest,” said his Lordship ; “ it is 
 ray advice that you should now take a turn 
 with ‘ Enfield’s Speaker.’ ” 
 
 ECCLESIASTICAL CORRECTION. 
 
 Foote sent a copy of his farce of “ The 
 Minor ” to the Archbishop of Canterbury, 
 requesting that if his Grace should see any - 
 thing objectionable in it, he would strike it 
 out or correct it. The Archbishop returned 
 it untouched; observing to a confidential 
 friend, that he was sure the wit had only 
 laid a trap for him, and that if he had put 
 his pen to the manuscript, by way of cor- 
 rection or objection, Foote would have had 
 the assurance to have advertised the play as 
 “ corrected and prepared for the press by his 
 Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury.” Yet 
 the Archbishop certainly tried to hinder 
 “ The Minor ” being played at Drury-Lane ; 
 upon which Foote threatened to take out a 
 licence to preach Tam. Cant, against Tom. 
 Cant. 
 
 A READY ANSWER. 
 
 Mr. K., a missionary among a tribe of 
 northern Indians, was wont to set some 
 simple refreshment — fruit and cider — before 
 his converts, when they came from a distance 
 to see him. An old man, who had no pre- 
 tensions to be a Christian, desired much to 
 be admitted to the refreshments, and pro- 
 posed to some of his converted friends to 
 accompany them on their next visit to the 
 missionary^. They told him he must be a 
 Christian first. “ What was that ?” He 
 must know all about the Bible. When the 
 time came, he declared himself prepared, and 
 undertook the journey with them. When 
 arrived, he seated himself opposite the mis- 
 sionary, wrapped in his blanket, and looking 
 exceedingly serious. In answer to an in- 
 quiry from the missionary, he rolled up his 
 eyes, and solemnly uttered the following 
 words, with a pause between each — 
 
 “ Adam — Eve — Cain — Noah — J eremiah — 
 Beelzebub — Solomon ” 
 
 “ What do you mean ?” asked the mis- 
 sionary. 
 
 “ Solomon — Beelzebub — Noah ” 
 
 “Stop, stop. What do you mean?” 
 
 “I mean — cider.” 
 
 (lesar’s good breeding. 
 
 The courtesy and obliging disposition of 
 Julius Caesar (by whom we are termed bar - 
 bari ) were notorious, and illustrated in anec- 
 dotes which survived for generations in 
 Borne. Dining on one occasion at a table 
 where the servants had inadvertently, for 
 salad-oil, furnished coarse lamp- oil, Caesar 
 would not allow the rest of the company to 
 point out the mistake to their host, for fear 
 of shocking him too much by exposing the 
 mistake. 
 
 A BROIL. 
 
 Lord Hertford, Mr. Croker, and Mr. James 
 Smith were at an exhibition, inspecting a 
 picture of a husband carving a boded leg of 
 mutton. The orifice displayed the meat red 
 and raw, and the husband was looking at his 
 wife with a countenance of anger and disap- 
 pointment. “ That fellow is a l'ool,” observed 
 Lord Hertford, “he does not see what an 
 excellent broil he may have.” 
 
 THE SAILOR AND THE ACTRESS. 
 
 “When I was a poor girl,” said the 
 Duchess of St. Albans, “ working very hard 
 for my thirty shillings a week, I went down 
 to Liverpool during the holidays, where I 
 was always kindly received. I was to per- 
 form in a new piece, something like those 
 pretty little affecting dramas they get up 
 now at our minor theatres ; and in my cha- 
 racter I represented a poor, friendless orphan 
 girl, reduced to the most wretched poverty. 
 A heartless tradesman prosecutes the sad 
 heroine for a heavy debt, and insists on put- 
 ting her in prison unless some one will be 
 bail for her. The girl replies, ‘ Then I have 
 no hope, I have not a friend in the world.’ 
 ‘ What ? will no one be bail for you, to save 
 you from prison?’ asks the stern creditor. 
 ‘ I have told you I have not a friend on earth,’ 
 was my reply 7 . But just as I was uttering the 
 words, I saw a sailor in the upper gallery 
 springing over the railing, letting himself 
 down from one tier to another, until he bounded 
 clear over the orchestra and footlights, and 
 placed himself beside me in a moment. 
 ‘ Yes, y r ou shall have one friend at least, my 
 poor young woman,’ said he, with the great- 
 est expression in his honest, sunburnt coun- 
 tenance; ‘I will go bail for you to any 
 amount. And as for you (turning to the 
 frightened actor), if you don’t bear a hand, 
 and shift your moorings, you lubber, it will 
 be worse for you when I come athwart your 
 bows.’ Every creature in th6 house rose; 
 the uproar was perfectly 7 indescribable ; peals 
 of laughter, screams of terror, cheers from 
 his tawny messmates in the gallery 7 , prepara- 
 tory scrapings of violins from the orchestra : 
 and amidst the universal din there stood the 
 unconscious cause of it, sheltering me, ‘the 
 poor, distressed young woman,’ and breath- 
 ing defiance and destruction against my 
 mimic persecutor. He was only persuaded 
 to relinquish his care of me by the manager 
 pretending to arrive and rescue me, with a 
 profusion of theatrical bank-notes.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 59 
 
 DRY HUMOUR. 
 
 An Irish post-boy having driven a gentle- 
 man a long stage during torrents of rain, the 
 gentleman civilly said to him, “ Paddy, are 
 you not very wet?” “Arrah! I don't care 
 about being very wet, but, plase your ho- 
 nour, I’m very dry.” 
 
 ODD HUMOUR. 
 
 When Lord Holland was on his death-bed, 
 his friend George Selwyn called to inquire 
 how his Lordship was, and left his card. 
 This was taken to Lord Holland, who said : 
 “ If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him into 
 my room. If I am alive, I shall be glad to 
 see him ; if I am dead, I am sure that he 
 will be delighted to see me.” 
 
 A SETTLER. 
 
 A x"armer, by chance a companion in a coach 
 with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to 
 death with questions in the jargon of agri- 
 culturists about crops. At length he put a 
 poser — “And pray, sir, how are turnips 
 t’year?” “ Why that, sir (stammered out 
 Lamb), will depend upon the boiled legs of 
 mutton.” 
 
 THE WRONG DAY. 
 
 Ozias Linley, Sheridan’s brother-in-law, 
 one day received a note to dine with the 
 Archbishop of Canterbury, at Lambeth. 
 Careless into what hole or corner he threw 
 his invitations, he soon lost sight of the card, 
 and forgot it altogether. A year revolved, 
 when, on wiping the dust from some papers 
 he had stuck in the chimney-glass, the 
 Bishop’s invitation for a certain day in the 
 month (he did not think of the year" for an 
 instant) stared him full in the face; and 
 taking it for granted that it was a recent 
 one, he dressed himself on the appointed day, 
 and proceeded to the palace. But his diocesan 
 was not in London, a circumstance of which, 
 though a matter of some notoriety to the 
 clerg}^ of the diocese, he was quite uncon- 
 scious, and he returned home dinnerless. 
 
 GIN PUNCH AT THE GARRICK. 
 
 One hot afternoon in July, Theodore Hook 
 strolled into the Garrick Club-house in that 
 equivocal state of thirstiness which it re- 
 quires something more than common to 
 quench. On describing the sensation, he 
 was recommended to make a trial of gin 
 punch, and a jug was compounded imme- 
 diately, under the personal inspection of 
 Mr. Stephen Price, the American manager. 
 A second followed — a third, with the accom- 
 paniment of some chops — a fourth, a fifth, 
 a sixth — at the expiration of which Mr. 
 Hook went away to keep a dinner engage- 
 ment at Lord Canterbury’s. He usually ate 
 little ; and on this occasion he ate less, when 
 Mr. Horace Twiss inquired, in a fitting tone 
 of anxiety, if he was not ill. “ Not ex- 
 actly,” was the reply; “but my stomach 
 won’t bear trifling with, and I was tempted 
 to take a biscuit with a glass of sherry 
 about three.” 
 
 A “DOUBLE TIMES.” 
 
 A huge, double-sheeted copy of the Times 
 newspaper was put into the hands of a mem- 
 ber of the Union Club by one of the waiters. 
 “ Oh, what a bore all this is,” said the mem- 
 ber, surveying the gigantic journal. “ Ah,” 
 answered another member, who overheard 
 him, “ it is all very well for you who are 
 occupied all day with business, and come 
 here to read for your diversion, to call this 
 double paper a bore ; but what a blessing it 
 is to a man living in the country — it is 
 equal to a days fishing .” 
 
 curran’3 gratitude. 
 
 “ Allow me, gentlemen,” said Curran one 
 evening to a large party, “ to give you a sen- 
 timent. When a boy, I was one morning 
 playing at marbles in the vilage of Ball- 
 alley, with a light heart and lighter pocket. 
 The gibe and the jest went gladly round, 
 when suddenly among us appeared a stranger 
 of a remarkable and very cheerful aspect : 
 his intrusion was not the least restraint upon 
 our merry little assemblage. He was a 
 benevolent creature, and the days of infancy 
 (after all, the happiest we shall ever see) 
 perhaps rose upon his memory. Heaven 
 bless him ! I see his fine form at the dis- 
 tance of half a century just as he stood before 
 me in the little Ball-alley, in the day of my 
 childhood. His name was Boyse; he -was 
 the rector of Newmarket. To me he took a 
 particular fancy. I was winning, and full of 
 waggery, thinking everything that was 
 eccentric, and by no means a miser of my 
 eccentricities; every one was welcome to 
 a share of them, and I had plenty to spare 
 after having freighted the company. Some 
 sweetmeats easily bribed me home with him. 
 I learned from Boyse my alphabet, and my 
 grammar, and the rudiments of the classics. 
 He taught me all he could, and then he sent 
 me to a school at Middleton. In short, he 
 made me a man. I recollect it was about 
 thirty-five years afterwards, when I had 
 risen to some eminence at the bar, and when 
 I had a seat in Parliament, on my return one 
 day from the court, I found an old gentleman 
 seated alone in my drawingroom, his feet 
 familiarly placed on each side of the Italian 
 marble chimney-piece, and his whole air be- 
 speaking the consciousness of one quite at 
 home. He turned round — it was my friend 
 of Ball-alley. I rushed instinctively into his 
 arms, and burst into tears. Words cannot 
 describe the scene which followed. ‘You 
 are right, sir, you are right ; the chimney- 
 piece is yours — the pictures are yours — the 
 house is yours. You gave me all I have 
 — my friend — my benefactor !’ He dined with 
 me ; and in the evening I caught the tear 
 glistening in his fine blue eye, when he saw 
 poor little Jack, the creature of his bounty, 
 rising in the House of Commons to reply to a 
 right honourable. Poor Boyse! he is now 
 gone ; and no suitor had a longer deposit of 
 practical benevolence in the Court above. 
 This is his wine — let us drink to his memory I ’ > 
 
60 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CROMWELL. 
 
 Colonel Titus, in his pamphlet, “ Killing 
 no Murder,” speaks thus of Cromwell: — 
 “ You truly may be called the father of your 
 country ; for, while you live, we can call no- 
 thing our own ; and it is to your death that 
 we look for our inheritance.” 
 
 BILLINGSGATE FAIR. 
 
 Charles Lamb, in passing through Billings- 
 gate, was witness to a quarrel and fight be- 
 tween two fish women, one of whom, taking 
 up a knife, cut off her antagonist’s thumb. 
 “ Ha !” said Lamb, looking about him, as if 
 he had only just recognized the place, “this 
 is Fair-lop Fair.” 
 
 DRESSING ASPARAGUS. 
 
 Fontenelle, who lived till within one month 
 of 100, was never known to laugh or to cry, 
 and even boasted of his insensibility. One 
 da}*-, a certain bon vivant Abbe came un- 
 expectedly to dine with him. The Abbe was 
 fond of aparagus dressed with butter — for 
 which, also, Fontenelle had a great gout, but 
 preferred it dressed with oil. Fontenelle 
 said, that for such a friend there was no 
 sacrifice he would not make, and that 
 he should have half the dish of asparagus 
 which he had ordered for himself, and that 
 half, moreover, should be dressed with butter. 
 While they were conversing thus together, 
 the poor Abbe fell down in a fit of apoplexy ; 
 upon which his friend Fontenelle instantly 
 scampered down stairs, and eagerly bawled 
 out to his cook, “ The whole with oil ! the 
 whole with oil, as at first!” 
 
 THE POETS IN A PUZZLE. 
 
 Cottle, in his life of Coleridge, relates the 
 following amusing incident: — “I led my 
 horse to the stable, where a sad perplexity 
 arose. I removed the harness without diffi- 
 culty ; but, after many strenuous attempts I 
 could not remove the collar. In despair, I 
 called for assistance, when Mr. Wordsworth 
 •brought his ingenuity into exercise; but, 
 after several unsuccessful efforts, he relin- 
 quished the achievement as a thing alto- 
 gether impracticable. Mr. Coleridge now 
 tried’ his hand, but showed no more skill 
 than his predecessor ; for, after twisting the 
 poor horse’s neck almost to strangulation 
 and the great danger of his eyes, he gave 
 •up the useless task, pronouncing that the 
 horse’s head must have grown since the col- 
 lar was put on ; for he said, ‘ it was a down- 
 right impossibility for such a huge os frontis 
 to pass through so narrow an aperture.’ 
 Just at this instant, a servant-giil came 
 near, and understanding the cause of our 
 consternation, ‘ Ha ! master,’ said she, ‘ you 
 don’t go about the work in the right way. 
 You should do like this,’ when, turning the 
 collar upside down, she slipped it off in a 
 moment, to our ^reat humiliation and won- 
 derment, each satisfied afresh that there 
 were heights of knowledge in the world to 
 which we bad not yet attained.” 
 
 VULGARITY. 
 
 Sir Walter Scott once happening to hear 
 his daughter Anne say of something, that it 
 was vulgar, gave the young lady the following 
 temperate rebuke: “My love, you speak 
 like a very young lady ; "do you know, after 
 all, the meaning of this word vulgar ? ’Tis 
 only common ; nothing that is common, ex- 
 cept wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of 
 in a tone of contempt ; and when you have 
 lived to my years, you will be disposed to 
 agree with me in thanking God that nothing 
 really worth having or caring about in this 
 world is uncommon.'” 
 
 THE PULTENEY GUINEA. 
 
 William Pulteney, afterwards Earl of 
 Bath, was remarkable alike for his oratorical 
 talents and his long and consistent opposi- 
 tion to the measures of Sir Robert Walpole, 
 the great Whig Minister. On the 11th of 
 February, 1741, a time when party feeling 
 was at its height, Walpole received an inti- 
 mation in the House of Commons that it 
 was the intention of the Opposition to im- 
 peach him. To this menace he replied with 
 his usual composure and self-complacence, 
 merely requesting a fair and candid hearing, 
 and winding up his speech with the quota- 
 tion — 
 
 “Nil conscire sibi, null/ pallescere culpa:.” 
 
 With his usual tact, Pulteney immediately 
 rose, and observed, “ that the right honour- 
 able gentleman’s logic and Latin -were alike 
 inaccurate, and that Horace, whom he had 
 just misquoted, had written ‘nulla palescere 
 culpa.’ ” Walpole maintained that his quo- 
 tation was correct, and a bet wa3 offered. 
 The matter was thereupon referred to Nicho- 
 las Hardinge, Clerk of the House, an excel- 
 lent classical scholar, who decided against 
 Walpole. The Minister accordingly took a 
 guinea from his pocket, and flung it across 
 the house to Pulteney. The latter caught 
 it, and holding it up, exclaimed, “ It’s the 
 only money I have received from the Trea- 
 sury for many years, and it shall be the last.” 
 This guinea having been carefully preserved, 
 finally came into the hands of Sir John Mur- 
 ray, by whom it was presented, in 1828, to the 
 British Museum. The following memoran- 
 dum, in the handwriting of Pulteney, is 
 attached to it : — “ This guinea I desire may be 
 kept as an heirloom. It was won of Sir 
 Robert Walpole in the House of Commons ; 
 he asserting the verse in Horace to be ‘nulli 
 pallescere culpse,’ whereas I laid the wager of 
 a guinea that it was ‘ nulla pallescere culpa.’ 
 He sent for the book, and, being convinced 
 that he had lost, gave me this guinea. I 
 told him I could take the money without an}’ 
 blush on my side, but believed it was the 
 only money he ever gave in the House 
 where the giver and the receiver ought not 
 equally to blush. This guinea, I hope, will 
 
 E rove to my posterity the use of knowing 
 ■atin, and encourage them in their learning.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 61 
 
 PLURALITY OK WIVES. 
 
 A native of Zanzibar thus illustrated the 
 bad policy of having more than one wife, 
 although the law of his country allows four. 
 “ Suppose you have more (than one), they 
 always fight ; suppose live in the same house, 
 they fight ; suppose live in different houses, 
 they fight ; and the man can be no happy. 
 The woman very bad for that.” 
 
 CLASSIC CHANCE. 
 
 When a man, who had done the Govern- 
 ment some service, but was very generally 
 considered a fool, applied to Lord Norbury 
 for a certain appointment, then vacant, his 
 Lordship remarked, that though a goose had 
 saved the capitol of Rome, it never obtained 
 the Consulship. 
 
 TURTLE SOUP. 
 
 English tavern-keepers simply give notice 
 by public advertisement of their intention to 
 “ dress a fine lively turtle ” on such a day ; 
 but the Yankee, more atrociously, writes in 
 chalk upon the devoted animal’s back, 
 “ Soup to-morrow,” and places him on parade 
 before his hotel ; thus basely making him a 
 party to his own murder, and deluding him, 
 in defiance of all the laws of nations, to ad- 
 vertise his own execution. 
 
 A PLEASANT MESSAGE. 
 
 Some five-and-thirtv years ago, the late 
 Mr. Bartleman, the bass-singer, was taken ill, 
 just before the commencement of the musical 
 festival at Gloucester, for which he had been 
 engaged, so that he could not leave London ; 
 another basso was applied to, at a short 
 notice, who attended, and acquitted himself 
 to the satisfaction of every body. When 
 he called on the organist to be paid, the 
 latter thanked him most cordially for his 
 kindness in attending, also for the very 
 noble manner in which he had sung; and 
 concluded with the following very compli- 
 mentary and pleasant message: — “When 
 you see poor Bartleman, give my best re- 
 gards to him ; and tell him how much we 
 missed him during the festival !” 
 
 THE STRAWBERRY. 
 
 It is related of Mr. Alderman Faulkner, of 
 convivial memory, that one night, when he 
 expected his guests to sit late, and try the 
 strength of his claret and his head, he took 
 the precaution to place in his wine-glass a 
 strawberry, which his doctor, he said, had 
 recommended to him on account of its cooling 
 qualities. On the faith of this specific, he 
 drank even more deeply, and, as might be 
 expected, was carried away earlier than usual. 
 When some of his friends condoled with him 
 next day, and attributed his misfortune to 
 six bottles of claret which he had drunk, the 
 Alderman was extremely indignant. “ The 
 claret,” he said, “ was sound, and never could 
 do any body any harm ; his discomfiture was 
 altogether caused by that d — d single straw- 
 berry which he had kept all night at the 
 bottom of his glass.” 
 
 ODD COMPLAINT. 
 
 A losing gambler, rushing out of Crock- 
 ford’s at three o’clock on a summer morning, 
 saw a stout man with his foot raised on the 
 post at the corner, engaged in the very peace- 
 able and proper act of tying his shoe. The 
 gambler ran at the stout man, kicked his 
 anonymous quarter, and upset him. The 
 stout man rose in astonishment at the out- 
 rage, and, more in sorrow than in anger, ex- 
 claimed, “ What’s that for ? I was only 
 tying my shoe at that post.” “ Only tying 
 your shoe at that post,” roared the other in 
 a frenzy of rage, “ you are always tying your 
 shoe at that post !” 
 
 who’s who? 
 
 In that very entertaining work, “ The 
 Doctor,” is an abundance of pleasant gossip 
 upon the odd and pitiful accidents by which 
 the “ bubble reputation ” has been raised. 
 For example : — 
 
 “Whether the regular practitioner may 
 sneer at Mr. Ching,” says the historian of 
 Cornwall, “ I know not ; but the Patent 
 Worm Lozenges have gained our Launceston 
 apothecary a large fortune, and secured to 
 him perpetual fame !” 
 
 There would have been no other memorial 
 of Richard Jaquett at this day, than the let- 
 ters of his name in an old deed, and obsolete 
 hand, if he had not, in the reign of Edward 
 VI., been Lord of the manor of Tyburn, with 
 its appurtenances, in which the gallows was 
 included; wherefore, from the said Jaquett, 
 it is presumed by antiquaries, that the hang- 
 man has ever since been corruptly callea 
 Jack Ketch. 
 
 A certain William Dowsing, who, during 
 the great rebellion, was a Parliamentary vi- 
 sitor for demolishing images in churches, is 
 supposed to have given rise to the expression 
 of giving any one a dowsing. 
 
 Johnson tells a story of a man, who was 
 standing in an inn kitchen, with his back to 
 the fire, and thus accosted a traveller, who 
 stood next to him, “ Do you know, sir, who 
 I am ?” “ No, sir,” replied the traveller ; “ I 
 have not that advantage.” “ Sir,” said the 
 man, “I am the great Twamley, who in- 
 vented the new Floodgate Iron.” " Who, but 
 Johnson, would have heard of the great 
 Twamley ? 
 
 Who was Ludlam, whose dog was so lazy 
 that he leant his head against a wall to 
 bark ? 
 
 And who was old Cole, whose dog was so 
 proud that he took the wall of a dung-cart, 
 and got squeezed to death by the wheel? 
 Was he the same person of whom the song 
 says— 
 
 Old King Cole 
 Was a merry old soul, 
 
 And a merry old soul was he? 
 
 And was his dog proud because his master 
 was called King ? 
 
 Here are questions to be proposed in the 
 Examination Papers of some Australian 
 Cambridge, 2000 years hence. 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 *2 
 
 POOR- M AN-OF-M UTTON. 
 
 Poor-man-of -mutton is a term applied to a 
 shoulder of mutton in Scotland, after it has 
 been served as a roast at dinner, and appears 
 as a broiled bone at supper, or at the dinner 
 next day. The late Earl of B., popularly 
 known as “ Old Rag,” being indisposed at 
 an hotel in London, one morning the landlord 
 came to enumerate the good things in his 
 larder, to prevail on his guest to eat some- 
 thing; when his Lordship replied, “Land- 
 lord, I think I could eat a morsel of a poor 
 man which, with the extreme ugliness of 
 his Lordship’s countenance, so terrified Boni- 
 face, that he fled from the room, and tumbled 
 down stairs, supposing the Earl, when at 
 home, was in the habit of eating a joint of a 
 vassal or tenant when his appetite was 
 dainty. 
 
 HORSE-DEALING TRIALS. 
 
 In the art of cross-examining a witness, 
 Curran was pre-eminent. What could be 
 cleverer than his repartee in a horse cause, 
 when he asked the jockey’s servant his 
 master’s age, and the man retorted, with 
 ready gibe, “ I never put my hand into his 
 mouth to try?” The laugh was against 
 the counsellor till he made the bitter reply — 
 “You did perfectly right, friend; for your 
 master is said to be a great bite.” 
 
 Erskine displayed similar readiness in a 
 case of breach of warranty. The horse taken 
 on trial had become dead lame, but the 
 witness to prove it said he had a cataract in 
 his eye. “A singular proof of lameness,” 
 suggested the Court. “ It is cause and effect,” 
 remarked Ersldne; “for what is a cataract 
 but a fall?” 
 
 OMNIBUS TRICK. 
 
 A decent young woman entered a Pad- 
 dington omnibus with an infant in her arms, 
 of whom the other passengers admired the 
 
 beauty. Sir Andrew and the young 
 
 woman, when the vehicle arrived in Skin- 
 ner-street, were the only parties left in the 
 carriage. “ Will you have the goodness, sir,” 
 said the damsel, “just to hold this child 
 while I step into that shop ?” “ Certainly,” 
 
 answered Sir Andrew. The living burden 
 was accordingly deposited, and away went 
 the proprietor of it. A few minutes elapsed 
 — she returned not. The cad banged to 
 the door, ejaculating “All right!” and the 
 omnibus proceeded on its journey, carrying 
 Sir Andrew in the situation of Don John in 
 the “ Chances.” When the driver arrived at 
 the corner of Ironmonger-lane, a grave, 
 elderly gentleman was taken up, who, in his 
 turn, expressed liis admiration of the infant’s 
 beauty. “Will you have the goodness, sir, 
 to hold this child for one minute?” said Sir 
 Andrew, in his turn, beckoning the cad 
 to stop at Bow Church. “By all means, 
 sir,” answered the elderly gentleman. Here- 
 upon Sir Andrew bounded from the car- 
 riage, paid the cad his sixpence, and ran 
 down Eriday-street like the innkeeper in 
 Joseph Andrews, “ without any fear of break- 
 ing his neck ” 
 
 PARTITION OF POLAND. 
 
 Napoleon, after receiving a deputation so- 
 liciting the re-establishment and indepen- 
 dence of the kingdom of Poland, said to 
 Rapp : “ I love the Poles ; their enthusiastic 
 character pleases me ; I should like tc make 
 them independent, but that is a difficult 
 matter. Austria, Russia, and Prussia have 
 all had a slice of the cake ; when the match 
 is once kindled, who knows where the con- 
 flagration may stop: my first duty is to- 
 wards France, which I must not sacrifice to 
 Poland — we must refer this matter to the 
 sovereign of all things — time.” 
 
 SMALL SERVICE. 
 
 An English lady, who lived in the country, 
 and was about to have a large dinner party, 
 was ambitious of making as great a display 
 as her husband’s establishment, a tolerably 
 large one, could furnish. So that there might 
 seem to be no lack of servants, a great lad, 
 who had been employed only in farm work, 
 was trimmed and dressed for the occasion, 
 and ordered to take his stand at the back of 
 his mistress’ chair, with strict injunctions 
 not to stir from the place, nor do anything, 
 unless she directed him ; the lady well know- 
 ing, that, although, no footman could make a 
 better appearance as a piece of still-life, some 
 awkwardness would be inevitable if he were 
 put in motion. Accordingly, Thomas having 
 thus been duly drilled and repeatedly en- 
 joined, took his post at the head of the'table, 
 behind his mistress, and for a while he found 
 sufficient amusement in looking at the grand 
 set-out, and staring at the guests: when 
 he was weaiy of this, and of an inaction 
 to which he was so little used, his eyes be- 
 gan to pry about nearer objects. It was at 
 a time when our ladies followed the French 
 fashion of having the back and shoulders 
 under the name of the neck, uncovered much 
 lower than accords either with the English 
 climate, or with old English notions ; a time 
 when, as Landor expresses it, the usurped do- 
 minion of neck had extended from the ear 
 downwards almost to where mermaids be- 
 come fish. This lady was in the height, or 
 lowness of that fashion; and between her 
 shoulder-blades, in the hollow of the back, 
 not far from the confines where nakedness 
 and clothing met, Thomas espied what Pa3- 
 quier had seen upon the neck of Mademoiselle 
 des Roches. The guests were too much 
 engaged with the business and t' e courtesies 
 of the table to see what must have been worth 
 seeing, the transfiguration produced in 
 Thomas’s countenance by delight, when he 
 saw so fine an opportunity of showing him- * 
 self attentive, and making himself useful. 
 The lady was too much occupied with her 
 company to feel the flea; but, to her horror, 
 she felt the great finger and thumb of 
 Thomas upon her back, and, to her greater 
 horror, heard him exclaim in exultation, to 
 the still greater amusement of the party, 
 “A vlea! a vlea! my lady. Ecod I’ve caught 
 ’en !” — The Doctor. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 63 
 
 COBBETT. — BY HIMSELF. 
 
 At eleven years of age, my employment 
 was clipping of box-edges and weeding beds 
 of flowers in the garden of the Bishop of 
 Winchester, at the the Castle of Farnham, my 
 native town. I had always been fond of 
 beautiful gardens ; and a gardener, who had 
 just come from the King’s gardens at Kew, 
 gave such a description of them as made me 
 instantly resolve to work in these gardens. 
 The next morning, without saying a word to 
 any one, off I set, with no clothes except 
 those upon my back, and with thirteen half- 
 pence in my pocket. I found that I must go 
 to Richmond, and I accordingly went on, 
 from place to place, inquiring my way thi- 
 ther. A long day (it was in June) brought 
 me to Richmond in the afternoon. Two 
 pennyworth of bread and cheese and a penny- 
 worth of small beer, which I had on the road, 
 and one halfpenny which I had lost some- 
 how or other, left threepence in my pocket. 
 With this for my whole fortune, I was 
 trudging through 'Richmond, in my blue 
 smock-frock and my red garters tied under 
 my knees, when, staring abolit me, my eye 
 fell upon a little book in a bookseller’s win- 
 dow, on the outside of which was written : 
 “ Tale of a Tub ; price 3d.” The title was 
 so odd that my curiosity was excited. I 
 had the 3d., but, then, I could have no sup- 
 per. In I went, and got the little book, 
 which I was so impatient to read, that I got 
 over into a field, at the upper corner of the 
 Kew-garden, where there stood a hay-stack. 
 On the shady side of this I sat down to 
 read. The book was so different from any- 
 thing that I had read before, it was some- 
 thing so new to my mind, that, though I 
 could not at all understand some of it, it de- 
 lighted me beyond description ; and it pro- 
 duced what I have always considered a sort 
 of birth of intellect, I read on till it was dark, 
 without any thought about supper or bed. 
 When I could see no longer, I put my little 
 book in my pocket, and tumbled down by 
 the side of the stack, where I slept till the 
 birds in Kew-gardens awakened me in the 
 morning , when off I started to Kew, read- 
 ing my little book. The singularity of my 
 dress, the simplicity of my manner, my con- 
 fident and lively air, and, doubtless, his own 
 compassion besides, induced the gardener, 
 who was a Scotsman, to give me victuals, 
 find me lodging, and set me to work. And 
 it was during the period that I was at Kew, 
 that the present King (William IY.) and 
 two of his brothers laughed at the oddness 
 of my dress, while I was sweeping the grass- 
 plot round the foot of the Pagoda. The 
 gardener, seeing me fond of books, lent me 
 some gardening books to read ; but these I 
 could not relish after my “ Tale of a Tub,” 
 which I carried about with me wherever I 
 went, and when I, at about twenty years 
 old, lost it in a box that fell overboard in 
 the Bay of Fundy, in North America, the 
 loss gave me greater pain than I have ever 
 felt at losing thousands of pounds. This cir- 
 
 cumstance, trifling as it was, and childish as 
 it may seem to relate it, has always endeared 
 the recollection of Kew to me. 
 
 EPICURISM AND STATESMANSHIP. 
 
 Cambaceres, Second Consul under the 
 French Republic, and Arch-Chancellor under 
 the Empire, never suffered the cares of 
 Government to distract his atttention from 
 “ the great object of life.” On one occasion, 
 for example, being detained in consultation 
 with Napoleon beyond the appointed hour of 
 dinner — it is said that the fate of the Due 
 d Enghein was the topic under discussion — 
 he begged pardon for suspending the confer- 
 ence, but it was absolutely necessary for him 
 to despatch a special messenger immediately ; 
 then, seizing a pen, he wrote this billet to his 
 cook : “ Sauvez les entremets — les entrees 
 sont perdues.” 
 
 SIGHT-SEEING. 
 
 When Mr. N. P. Willis visited the Palace 
 of Holyrood, he said to one of the guides — 
 “ And through this door they dragged the 
 murdered favourite; and here under this 
 stone he was buried?” “Yes, sir.” “Poor 
 Rizzio!” “ I’m thinking that’s a’ sir !” It 
 was a broad hint, but Willis took another turn 
 down the nave of the old ruin, and another 
 look at the scene of the murder and the 
 grave of the victim. “ And this door com- 
 municated with Mary’s apartments ?” “ Yes 
 — ye hae it a ’ the noo !” W. paid his shilling 
 and exit. On enquiry for the private apart- 
 ments, he was directed to another Girzy, who 
 took him up to a suite of rooms appropriated 
 to the use of the Earl of Breadalbane, and 
 furnished very much like lodgings for a 
 guinea a week in London. “ And which was 
 Queen Mary’s chamber?” “Ech! sir! it’s 
 t’ither side. I dinna show that.” “ And 
 what am I brought here for?” “Ye cam’ 
 yoursell !” 
 
 NAPOLEON’S BOULOGNE FLOTILLA. 
 
 Napoleon, when at Boulogne, determined 
 to take an excursion to inspect the flotilla 
 in the roadstead, and to make observations 
 upon the English squadron. He embarked 
 in a pinnace, accompanied by the Grand 
 Marshal Duroc, the Due de Fioul, General 
 Bertrand, Count de Loban, and others. He 
 advanced towards fort La Creche, where 
 several vessels of the flotilla manoeuvred 
 under the protection of the batteries. But 
 the pinnace getting on shore, and the fire of 
 the English being directed towards it, Na- 
 poleon yielded to ihe request of the Count de 
 Loban, that he would retire ; saying, “ Come, 
 Count, we have nothing to do here.” Then 
 taking the arm of one of his guards of 
 honour, he climbed the heights, and with his 
 own hand discharged several shots at the 
 enemy. One of the balls, it is said, fell on 
 the deck of the Immortality. Little did the 
 English imagine that the celebrated per- 
 sonage who first attracted attention as an 
 officer of artillery at Toulon, and who then 
 bore the title of Emperor, was their assailant. 
 
64 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A MISTAKE. 
 
 M. de Talleyrand, having one day invited 
 M. Denon, the celebrated traveller, to dine 
 with him, told his wife to read the work of 
 his guest, indicating its place in his library. 
 Madame Talleyrand, unluckily, got hold, by 
 mistake, of the “ Adventures of Robinson 
 Crusoe,” which she ran over in great haste ; 
 and, at dinner, she began to question Denon 
 about his shipwreck, his island, &c., and, 
 finally, about his man Friday ! 
 
 MICHAEL ANGELO’S NOSE. 
 
 The nose of Michael Angelo was flat from 
 a blow which he received in his youth from 
 Torrigiano, a brother artist and countryman, 
 upon some slight provocation. The following 
 is Torrigiano’s account of the transaction, on 
 the authority of Benvenuto Cellini: — “I 
 was extremely irritated, and, doubling my 
 list, gave him such a violent blow upon his 
 nose that I felt the bone and cartilage yield 
 as if they had been made of paste, and the 
 mark I then gave him he will carry to his 
 grave.” 
 
 SAGACITY OF A DOG. 
 
 Mr. Poynder, the brother of the Treasurer 
 of Christ’s Hospital, brought home from New- 
 foundland a dog, a native of that country. 
 ‘TiMs animal had established a strong claim on 
 his master’s affection, from the circumstance 
 of his having twice saved his life by his sa- 
 gacity in finding the road home, when Mr. 
 Poynder had lost his way in snow-storms, 
 many miles from shelter. He had also swam 
 more than three miles to gain the ship, after 
 his master had embarked for England, and 
 determined to leave the animal to the care 
 of friends at Newfoundland. Mr. Poynder 
 landed at Blackwall, and took the dog in a 
 coach to his father’s house at Clapham. He 
 was there placed in a stable, which he did not 
 leave until the second day after his arrival, 
 when he accompanied his master in a coach 
 to Christ’s Hospital. He left the coach in 
 Newgate-street, and proceeded through the 
 passage leading to the treasurer’s house ; not 
 being able to gain admission at the garden- 
 entrance, Mr. Poynder went round to the 
 front door, and thinks he left the dog at the 
 garden entrance, for he did not recollect 
 seeing him afterwards. In the hurry and 
 excitement of meeting his friends, he for a 
 few minutes forgot his dog, but the moment 
 he recollected himself he went in search of 
 him. He was nowhere to be seen, and his 
 master hastened to prepare his description, 
 and to offer a reward in the public papers. 
 Early, however, next morning, a letter 
 arrived from the captain of the ship in which 
 Mr. Poynder had sailed from Newfoundland, 
 informing him that the dog was safe on 
 board, haying swum to the vessel early on 
 the previous day. By comparing the time 
 on which he arrived with that on which he 
 was missing, it appeared that lie must have 
 gone directly through the city from Christ’s 
 Hospital to Wapping, where he took to the 
 water. — Jesse. 
 
 A CHEAP WATCH. 
 
 During the war (1796), a sailor went to 
 Mr. MacLaren, a watchmaker, and present- 
 ing a small French watch to him, demanded 
 to know how much the repair of it would 
 come to. Mr. MacLaren, after examining it, 
 said, “It will be more expense repairing 
 than its original cost.” I don’t mind that,” 
 said the tar ; “ I will even give you double 
 the original cost ; for I have a veneration for 
 the watch.” “What might you have given 
 for it?” said the watchmaker. “ Why,” 
 replied the tar,' “I gave a fellow' a blow 
 on the head for it: and if you repair it, 
 I will give you two.” 
 
 L-A-W. 
 
 It is singular, but it is matter of fact, that 
 there are persons who have a passion for being 
 at law, and contrive to be never out of 
 it. Of this description was a Mr. Bolt, a 
 wharfinger on the Thames. In the cause- 
 paper of the sittings after every term, Bolt’s 
 name regularly appeared, either as a plain- 
 tiff or a defendant. In a cause at Guildhall, 
 Mingay was counsel against him, and spoke 
 of him in very harsh terms for his dishonest 
 and litigious spirit. Erskine was counsel for 
 him : “ Gentlemen,” says he to the jury, 
 “ the plaintiff’s counsel has taken very un- 
 warrantable liberties with my client’s good 
 name. He has represented him as litigious 
 and dishonest : it is most unjust. He is so 
 remarkably of an opposite character, that he 
 goes by the name of Bolt-upright .” This 
 
 was all invention. 
 
 napoleon’s savagery. 
 
 Madame de Bourrienne, speaking of the 
 character of Bonaparte, as it displayed itself 
 in the early part of his career, says: “His 
 smile was hypocritical and often misplaced. 
 A few days after his return from Toulon, he 
 was telling us, that being before that place, 
 where he commanded the artillery during 
 the siege, one of his officers was visited by 
 his wife, to whom he had been but a short 
 time married, and whom he tenderly loved. 
 A few days after, orders w r ere given for 
 another attack upon the town, in which this 
 officer was to be engaged. His wife came to 
 Genera] Bonaparte, and with tears entreated 
 him to dispense with her husband’s services 
 during that day. The General was inex- 
 orable, as he himself told us, with a sort of 
 savage exultation. The moment of the 
 attack arrived, and the officer, though a very 
 brave man, as Bonaparte himself assured us, 
 felt a presentiment of his approaching death. 
 He turned pale and tremb'ed. He was 
 stationed beside the General, and during an 
 interval, when the firing from the town was 
 very strong, Bonaparte called out to him, 
 
 ‘ Take care, there is a bomb-shell coming !’ 
 The officer, instead of moving to one side, 
 stooped down, and was literally severed in 
 two. Bonaparte laughed loudly while he 
 described the event with horrible minute- 
 ness.” 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 65 
 
 magisterial ignorance. 
 
 One of Cromwell’s followers, who filled the 
 important station of an Irish justice, at the 
 period of 1661, having occasion to write the 
 word “ usage,” contrived to spell it without 
 using a single letter of the original word: 
 his improved orthography was “ yowzitch ” 
 When some remarks were made on similar 
 feats, he averred that “ nobody could spell 
 with pens made from Irish geese.” 
 
 a cruel case. 
 
 The capabilities of a boiled edgebone of 
 beef may be estimated from what happened 
 to Pope the actor, well known for his devo- 
 tion to the culinary art. He received an in- 
 vitation to dinner, accompanied by an 
 apology for the simplicity of the intended 
 fare— a small turbot and a boiled edgebone 
 of beef. “ The very thing of all others that 
 I like,” exclaimed Pope ; “ I will come with 
 the greatest pleasure :” and come he did, 
 and eat he did, till he could literally eat no 
 longer; when the word was given, and a 
 haunch of venison was brought in. Poor 
 Pope divined at a glance the nature of the 
 trap that had been laid for him ; but he was 
 fairly caught, and after a puny effort at 
 trifling with a slice of fat, he laid down his 
 knife and fork, and gave way to an hysterical 
 burst of tears, exclaiming — “ A friend of 
 twenty years’ standing, and to be served in 
 this manner !” 
 
 UTILITY OF ALMANACKS. 
 
 The following legal anecdote serves to ex- 
 emplify how necessary it is upon any im- 
 portant occasion to scrutinise the accuracy of 
 a statement before it is taken upon trust. A 
 fellow was tried at the Old Bailey for high- 
 way robbery, and the prosecutor swore posi- 
 tively to him, saying he had seen his face 
 distinctly, for it was a bright moonlight 
 night. The counsel for the prisoner cross- 
 questioned the man so as to make him repeat 
 that assertion, and insist upon it. He then 
 affirmed that this was a most important cir- 
 cumstance, and a most fortunate one for the 
 prisoner at the bar : because the night on 
 which the alleged robbery was said to have 
 been committed was one in which there had 
 been no moon : it was then during the dark 
 quarter ! In proof of this he handed an 
 almanack to the bench, — and the prisoner 
 was acquitted accordingly. The prosecutor, 
 however, had stated everything truly ; and 
 it was known afterwards that the almanack 
 with which the counsel came provided, had 
 been prepared and printed for the occasion. 
 
 The writer remembers when a countryman 
 had walked to the nearest large town, thirty 
 miles distant, for the express purpose of 
 seeing an almanack, the first that had been 
 heard of in those parts. His inquiring 
 neighbours crowded round the man on his 
 return. “ Well, well,” said he, “ I know 
 not ; it maffles and talks. But all I could 
 make out is, that Collop Monday falls on a 
 Tuesday next year.” 
 
 A DISTINCTION. 
 
 A gentleman discharged his coachman for 
 overturning him in his carriage, on his road 
 home from a dinner party. The man, the 
 next morning, craved pardon, by acknow- 
 ledging his fault: “I had certainly drunk 
 too much, sir,” said he ; “ but I was not very 
 drunk, and gentlemen, you know, sometimes get 
 drunk.” “Why,” replied the master (the 
 Hon. B. C., renowned for the smartness of 
 his answers), “I don’t say you -were very 
 drunk for a gentleman, but you were d — d 
 drunk for a coachman. So get about your 
 business.” 
 
 NEGRO FUNERAL. 
 
 Dr. Madden, when in the West Indies, one 
 day undertook to read the burial service over 
 a Negro, which was listened to with great 
 attention. But when the Doctor came to the 
 part of “ Dust to dust, and ashes to ashes,” 
 the Negro who officiated as sexton, and was 
 prepared with a spade of earth for the usual 
 ceremony, interrupted him with an intima- 
 tion that he had neglected to order the coffin 
 to be put down first : “ Put him in de hole 
 first, Massa— always put him in de hole 
 first.” 
 
 FALSE ESTIMATE. 
 
 Kean once played Young JYorval to Mrs. 
 Siddons’s Lady Randolph : after the play, 
 as Kean used to relate, Mrs. Siddons came to 
 him, and patting him on the head, said, 
 “You have played very well, sir, very well. 
 It’s a pity, — but there’s too little of you to 
 do anything.” 
 
 Coleridge said of this “little” actor: — 
 “ Kean is original ; but he copies from him- 
 self. His rapid descents from the hyper- 
 tragic to the infra- colloquial, though some- 
 times productive of great effect, are often 
 unreasonable. To see him act, is like read- 
 ing “ Shakspeare” by flashes of lightning. I 
 do not think him thorough-bred gentleman 
 enough to play Othello .” 
 
 HOAXING AN HEIR. 
 
 We knew an old lady that lived in her bed 
 to a wonderful old age, and retained all her 
 faculties and all her cheerfulness. Her heir, 
 thinking she was too loDg “ withering out,” 
 not now “ a young man’s revenues,” went to 
 visit her near about her hundredth year. 
 Whether it was that he was naturally or 
 habitually an early riser, or could not sleep 
 of mornings for thinking of his inheritance, 
 he paid her very early visits to her room, to 
 inquire if she slept well. She was a shrewd 
 observer, and determined he should be up 
 betimes. At three o’clock in the morning 
 (and she kept awake on purpose) she rang 
 her bell violently, and down came the half- 
 dressed expectant heir. 
 
 “ My dear madam, I hope you are not very 
 ill?” 
 
 She bade him come near. She laughed in 
 his face, and said, “It is the 1st of April !” 
 
 Now, what life and jollity was here — to 
 make her heir an April fool in her hundredth 
 year! 
 
66 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 DEATH OF THE DUKE OF RICHMOND FROM 
 HYDROPHOBIA. 
 
 In the latter end of August, 1819, the 
 Duke of Richmond, who was then Governor- 
 General of the Canadas, after visiting Nia- 
 gara and other parts of the upper province, 
 reached Kingston on his return to Quebec. 
 He had pre-arranged to inspect a new set 
 of recently settled townships ; that is to say, 
 blocks of the wilderness which had been 
 designated on the map as such, on the line 
 of the Rideau Canal, between the St. Law- 
 rence and the Ottawa. The expedition was 
 to occupy three or four days. On the morn- 
 ing of the first day, as the Duke, accompa- 
 nied by his staff, was rumbling through the 
 forest in a light waggon of the country, he 
 observed that he felt unwell, complained of 
 a pain in his shoulder, and mentioned to the 
 officers who were with him that he had had 
 great difficulty in drinking some hot wine 
 and water that had been recommended to 
 him. 
 
 On the evening of this day he called the 
 attention of a trusty servant who had been 
 accompanying him to an unfinished letter he 
 had addressed to a member of his family at 
 Quebec, and which the man was to deliver 
 when they all arrived there ! The next day 
 he became so much worse, that some of his 
 staff would fain have persuaded him to re- 
 linquish his expedition, and make for the St. 
 Lawrence as the easier route to Quebec. 
 He, however, determined to make his inspec- 
 tion according to his appointments. 
 
 On the following day he was extremely un- 
 well ; and he so far consented to alter his plan, 
 that he stopped short of the village he had 
 intended to reach, in consequence of there 
 being a swamp through which he would have 
 
 had to walk. Colonel , therefore, went 
 
 forward to make preparations for the next 
 day, and the Duke remained all night at a 
 
 cottage. Colonel saw how ill he was, 
 
 and earnestly advised him to stop ; but the 
 Duke feeling unwilling to disappoint those 
 who were to meet him, persisted in proceed- 
 ing. 
 
 On the following morning he crossed the 
 swamp; and it "was observed that when- 
 ever the water was disturbed he was very 
 much agitated, and occasionally jumped up- 
 wards. On reaching the settlement he was 
 
 met by Colonel , who was struck with 
 
 his altered looks and manner, and begged 
 him to endeavour to obtain some rest ; but 
 he turned the subject by saying he should 
 like to walk round the village, and he accord- 
 ingly proceeded to do so. In the course of 
 their walk they reached a small stream which 
 crossed the road, on which the Duke turned 
 
 suddenly, and said to Colonel , that, though 
 
 be had never been nervous, his feelings were 
 then such that he could not cross it if his life 
 depended on it. 
 
 Nevertheless, though so ill, and though 
 he was pressed to remain quiet, he per- 
 sisted in desiring that he should not dis- 
 appoint the chief officers of the settlement 
 
 from dining with him, and begged they 
 might be asked as usual. To one of hi 3 
 
 party he calmly remarked, “ Y u know, , 
 
 I am in general not afraid of a gla*s of wine, 
 yet you will see with what difficulty I shall 
 drink it.” During dinner the Dake asked 
 this officer to take wine with him, and it was 
 evident that from some unaccountable reason 
 it required the utmost resolution and effort 
 on his part to bring the glass to his lips. 
 
 The party retired early, but as the Duke, 
 in consequence of certain feelings during the 
 preceding night, expressed a great horror 
 and disinclination to go to bed, it was not till 
 late that he did so. Early the next morn- 
 ing he was found calmly finishing his letter 
 to a member of his family, which he sealed, 
 
 and then delivered to Colonel , with a 
 
 desire that it might be delivered at Montreal, 
 a request at the time utterly incomprehensible. 
 
 Colonel , on receiving this letter, natn- 
 
 rally enough observed that they should all 
 proceed there together ; on which the Duke 
 mildly but firmly observed, “ It is no use de- 
 ceiving you, I shall never go down there 
 alive.” Colonel , considering this to be de- 
 
 lirium, entreated him to remain quiet, and to 
 send for medical advice. The Duke, however, 
 persisted in going as far as he could, and in- 
 quired what arrangements had been made 
 for his proceeding to the Rideau Falls, where 
 a birch canoe belonging to the North-west 
 Company was waiting for him. In reply 
 he was informed that it was proposed he 
 should go by himself in a small canoe down 
 a little stream which meandered through 
 the forest for some miles, after which he 
 would have to ride and walk. The Duke 
 made some objection to the canoe, intimating 
 that he did not believe he could get into 
 it ; but he added, “ If I fail, you must force 
 me.” Now all this was deemed by the officers 
 of his suite to be the effect of over-excitement, 
 fatigue, and the extreme heat of the sun. 
 However, after breakfast, the Duke’s party, 
 attended by all the principal inhabitants of 
 the little settlement, walked down to this 
 stream, where they found the canoe in wait- 
 ing, manned by a couple of half Indians. 
 
 After taking leave of the assembled party 
 and attendants, the Duke with an evident 
 effort forced himself into the canoe; and he 
 had scarcely sat down when the frail bark 
 pushed off, and almost immediately after- 
 wards was lost sight of in the dark forest. 
 So remarkable, however, was the appearance 
 and effort he had made in approaching and 
 in seating himself in the canoe, that a gentle- 
 man present immediately exclaimed, “By 
 heavens 1 gentlemen, the Duke of Richmond 
 has the hydrophobia I” This appalling ob- 
 servation conveyed to the minds of his de- 
 votedly attached attendants the first intima- 
 tion or suspicion of the awful fact which they 
 had so unconsciously witnessed; and then 
 flashed upon them the various corroborating 
 circumstances which for the few preceding 
 days had been appealing to them unaccount- 
 able; namely, the spasms he had suffered in 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 67 
 
 drinking— his agitation in crossing the 
 swamp— his inability to pass the stream, &c. 
 The agony of mind of the officers of his staff 
 at sucn overwhelming intelligence was inde- 
 scribable; and while the object of all their 
 thoughts was threading his way down the 
 stream, they proceeded along a new road that 
 had lately been cut through the forest to the 
 point at which the Duke was to disembark. 
 They had proceeded about a mile, bewildered 
 as to what possible course they should pursue, 
 when to their horror they saw the Duke run- 
 ning with fearful energy across the path, and 
 then dart onwards into the forest. They im- 
 mediately ran after him, but he went so fast 
 that it was some time before he could be 
 overtaken, and when he was — he was rav- 
 ing mad ! They secured him and held him 
 down on a fallen tree for a considerable time. 
 At last his consciousness returned, and the 
 very first use he made of it was to desire that 
 they would take no orders from him, and that 
 he would do whatever they determined for 
 him. 
 
 What to do was of course a difficult point 
 to settle : they at last resolved to return 
 to the settlement, and accordingly in that 
 direction they all proceeded on foot. Close 
 to the settlement they reached the little 
 stream which he had arrived at the previous 
 
 day, and which he had told Colonel he 
 
 could not cross. At this point the Duke stop- 
 ped short, and turning round said, that, as 
 the last request he should have to make, he 
 begged they would not require him to cross 
 that stream, as he felt he could not survive 
 the effort. Under the difficult circumstances 
 in which they were placed, they could not 
 resist such an appeal, and they therefore turned 
 back along the path which led into the forest, 
 not knowing where to go, or on what plan to 
 proceed. They at last arrived at the little 
 shanty I have mentioned, and it being the 
 only place of refuge for many miles, his staff 
 requested the Duke to remain there. After 
 looking at it for a short time, he said he 
 would prefer to go into the barn rather than 
 into the hovel, as he felt sure it was further 
 from water. His attendants of course imme- 
 diately assented to his wish, and he then 
 sprang over a high fence and walked in. 
 He remained in that barn the whole day, oc - 
 casionally perfectly collected, with intermis- 
 sions of spasmodic paroxysms, which affected 
 both mind and body. Towards evening he 
 consented to be moved into the hut, and ac- 
 cordingly such a bed as could be got ready 
 was speedily prepared. The officers in attend- 
 ance anxiously watched over him throughout 
 the night, and he became so much more calm 
 that they suffered themselves to hope that 
 he might recover. 
 
 The Duke, however, who, from many 
 circumstances, which afterwards transpired, 
 must, for several days, have been clearly 
 sensible, not only of the nature of his malady, 
 but that he could not survive it, was now 
 perfectly aware of his approaching end, 
 and accordingly, after calmly expressing to 
 
 those around him that his greatest earthly 
 consolation was that his title and name 
 would be inherited by a son of whose charac- 
 ter he declared the highest opinion and confi- 
 dence, he died expressing calm resignation 
 to the will of God, and without a struggle. 
 His body was brought down in a canoe from 
 the Rideau to Montreal, where his family, 
 who had scarcely heard of his illness, had 
 assembled to welcome his return ; and was 
 subsequently removed in a steamer to Quebec 
 where, after lying in state for some days, his 
 remains were interred close to the commu-, 
 nion-table in the cathedral of Quebec. 
 Nothing could exceed the affliction, not only 
 of those immediately about him, but of the 
 inhabitants of both Canadas, by whom he 
 was universally beloved. — “ The Emigrant 
 by Sir Francis Head. 
 
 WELLINGTON SURPRISED. 
 
 A nobleman ventured, in a moment of con- 
 viviality at his Grace’s table, to put this 
 question to him : — “ Allow me to ask, as we 
 are all here titled, if you were not surprised 
 at Waterloo?” To which the Duke re- 
 sponded, “No; but I am now.” 
 
 COLERIDGE “DONE UP.” 
 
 It is not easy, says Coleridge, to put me out 
 of countenance, or interrupt the feeling of 
 the time by mere external noise or circum- 
 stance ; yet once I was thoroughly done up, 
 as you would say. I was reciting, at a par- 
 ticular house, the “ Remorse ; ” and was in 
 the midst of Alhadra’s description of the 
 death of her husband, when a scrubby boy, 
 with a shining face set in dirt, burst open the 
 door and cried out — “ Please, ma’am, master 
 says, Will you ha’, or will you not ha’, the 
 pin- round ? ” 
 
 A COOL HAND. 
 
 At Trenton Falls, in the United States, a 
 young lady and her lover were going along 
 the water-side, and, in order to retain hold 
 of her hand, he walked upon a narrow ridge, 
 where he could hardly balance himself. The 
 girl said, “ Oh, if you walk there, I shall let 
 you go.” She did so, and, in the same in- 
 stant, he slipped from the rock, and was 
 dragged away to that dark death. 
 
 HANDEL AND THE BISHOPS. 
 
 At the coronation of George II., the Bishops 
 having selected the words for the anthem, 
 sent them, for composition, to Handel, who 
 returned them, observing that he read his 
 bible, and could choose a subject for himself. 
 He fixed on the lines, “My heart is inditing 
 a good matter.” It was a remark of Mrs. 
 Cibber, the actress, justified by the fact, that 
 with the hand of a giant, he had the finger 
 of a child : his knuckles were concave, and 
 dimpled as those of an infant ; but his touch 
 was so smooth and imperceptible, that his 
 fingers seemed to grow to the instrument. 
 He had a favourite Rucker harpsichord, the 
 keys of which, by incessant practice, were 
 hollowed like the bowl of a spoon. 
 
68 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 GOOD NEIGHBOURS. 
 
 Dr. Cyril Jackson, Dean of Christchurch, 
 thought but little of Hayley, either as a poet 
 or scholar. He considered him merely 7 as a 
 literary gossip, and was, therefore, by no 
 means desirous of cultivating any intimacy 
 with him when they became neighbours. 
 Hayley, however, called upon the Dean, and 
 was received with ordinary courtesy. When 
 he rose to take his leave, the Dean shook 
 him by the hand, and said : “ Mr. Hayley, I 
 trust that you and I may always be very 
 good friends and neighbours ; that is, I trust 
 that we may see very little of one another.” 
 
 SHERIDAN’S DISTRESSES. 
 
 Few men of genius since Sir Richard 
 Steele’s time have undergone greater difficul- 
 ties; and none have had recourse to more 
 extraordinary modes for the purpose of rais- 
 ing money, or obtaining credit, than Sheridan. 
 Some were so ludicrous as to excite mirth, 
 and can hardly 7 obtain belief. He resided 
 during several years in Bruton-street, Berke- 
 ley-square, where the house was frequently so 
 beset with duns or bailiffs, that even the pro- 
 visions requisite for his family were intro- 
 duced over the iron railing down the area. 
 In the course of the year 1786, while living 
 there, he entertained at dinner a number of 
 the opposition leaders, though he laboured at 
 the time under almost insurmountable pecu- 
 niary embarrassments. All his plate, as well 
 as his books, were lodged in pawn. Having, 
 nevertheless, procured from the pawnbroker 
 an assurance of the liberation of his plate for 
 the day, he applied to Beckett, the celebrated 
 bookseller in Pall Mall, to fill his empty book- 
 cases. Beckett not only agreed to the pro- 
 position, but promised to ornament the vacant 
 shelves with some of the most expensive and 
 splendid productions of the British press, 
 provided that two men, expressly sent for the 
 purpose by himself, should be present to 
 superintend their immediate restoration. It 
 was settled finally that these librarians of 
 Beckett’s appointment should put on liveries 
 for the occasion, and wait at table. The 
 company having assembled, were shown into 
 an apartment, where the bookcases being 
 opened for the purpose, they had leisure, be- 
 fore dinner was served, to admire the ele- 
 gance of Sheridan’s literary taste, and the 
 magnificence of his collection. But, as all 
 machinery 7 is liable to accidents, so, in this 
 instance, a failure had nearly taken place, 
 which must have proved fatal to the enter- 
 tainment. When everything was ready for 
 serving the dinner, it happened that, either 
 from the pawnbroker’s distrust, or from some 
 unforeseen delay on his part, the spoons and 
 forks had not arrived. Repeated messages 
 were dispatched to hasten them, and they at 
 last made their appearance ; but so critically 
 and so late, that there not being time left to 
 clean them, they 7 were thrown into hot water, 
 wiped, and instantly laid on the table. The 
 evening then passed in the most joyous and 
 festive manner. 
 
 DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW. 
 
 When it was the custom for barristers to 
 leave chambers early, and to finish their even- 
 ings at the coffee-houses in the neighbour- 
 hood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on 
 some occasion wanted to see Dunning pri- 
 vately. He went to the coffee-house fre- 
 quented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. 
 Dunning was there. The waiter, who was 
 new in his place, said he did not know him. 
 “Not know him ! ” exclaimed Thurlow, with 
 his usual oaths ; “ go into the room up-stairs, 
 and if you see any gentleman like the knave 
 of clubs, tell him he is particularly wanted.” 
 The waiter went up, and forthwith re-ap • 
 peared followed by Dunning. 
 
 CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK. 
 
 In cleanliness the Duke was negligent to 
 so great a degree, that he rarely made use of 
 water for purposes of bodily refreshment and 
 comfort. He even carried the neglect of his 
 person so far, that his servants were accus- 
 tomed to avail themselves of his fits of in- 
 toxication for the purpose of washing him. 
 On those occasions, being wholly insensible 
 to all that passed about him, they stripped 
 him as they would have done a corpse, and 
 performed on his body the necessary ablu- 
 tions. Nor did he change his linen more fre- 
 quently than he washed himself. Complain- 
 ing, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a 
 martyr to rheumatism, and had ineffectually 
 tried every remedy for its relief, “ Pray, my 
 Lord,” said he, “did you ever try a clean 
 shirt ? ” 
 
 A NARROW ESCAPE. 
 
 “One healthy clear morning, accompanied 
 by a friend,” says Sir Francis Head, I was 
 enjoying my early walk along the cliff which 
 overhangs the Bay of Toronto, when I saw a 
 runaway horse and sleigh approaching me 
 at full gallop ; and it was not until both were 
 within a few yards of the precipice, that the 
 animal, suddenly seeing his danger, threw 
 himself on his haunches, and then, turning 
 from the death that had stared him in the 
 face, stood as if riveted to the ground. On 
 going up to the sleigh, which was one of 
 very humble fabric, I found seated in it a 
 wild young Irishman ; and, as he did not ap- 
 pear to be at all sensible of the danger from 
 which he had just been providentially pre- 
 served, I said to him, * You have had a 
 most narrow escape, my man ! ’ ‘ Ocli I your 
 honour,’ he replied, ‘ it’s nothing at arl. 
 It’s just this bar as titches his hacks !’ And, 
 to show me what he meant, he pulled at the 
 rein with all his strength, till the splinter- 
 bar touched the poor creature’s thigh, when 
 instantly this son of Erin, looking as happy 
 as if he had just demonstrated a problem, 
 triumphantly exclaimed, * There ’tis again ! ’ 
 And away he went, if possible, faster than 
 before. 1 watched him till the horse gal- 
 loped with him completely out of my 
 sight; indeed, he vanished like a meteor in 
 the sky, and where he came from, and where 
 he -went, I am ignorant to this day.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 69 
 
 EAR AND TASTE FOR MUSIC. 
 
 Coleridge notes: “An ear for music is a 
 very different thing from a taste for music. 
 1 have no ear whatever ; I could not sing an 
 air to save my life ; but I have the intensest 
 delight in music, and can detect good from 
 bad. Naldi, a good fellow, remarked to me 
 once at a concert, that I did not seem much 
 interested with a piece of Rossini’s which 
 had just been performed. I said it sounded 
 to me like nonsense verses. But I could 
 scarcely contain myself when a thing of 
 Beethoven’s followed.” 
 
 “THE EAST WAR.” 
 
 Mr. Pitt, once speaking in the House of 
 Commons, in the early part of his career, of 
 the glorious war which preceded the disas- 
 trous one in which we lost the colonies, 
 called it “ the last war.” Several members 
 cried out, “The last war but one.” He 
 took no notice ; and soon after, repeating the 
 mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry 
 of “ The last war but one — the last war but 
 one.” “ I mean, sir,” said Mr. Pitt, turning 
 to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous 
 voice, “I mean, sir, the last war that Bri- 
 tons would wish to remember.” Whereupon 
 the cry was instantly changed into an uni- 
 versal cheering, long and loud. 
 
 ORIGIN OF THE BURNING OF MOSCOW. 
 
 Previous to the entry of the Prench, the 
 Governor of the city, in September, 1812, 
 Count Rostophchin, and the nobles, in 
 a public assembly, had determined to 
 destroy the city which they could no 
 longer defend: the authorities carried off 
 with them the fire-engines, and every thing 
 which could arrest a conflagration ; and the 
 persons selected for the duty of firing the 
 buildings only awaited the departure of their 
 countrymen. A fire speedily broke out in 
 the great market-place ; and though it was 
 got under, a fresh one appeared at mid- 
 night on the 15th, in the northern and 
 western parts of the city, which was spread 
 in all directions by the violence and fre- 
 quent change of the wind. The soldiers 
 were incapable of arresting its progress, and 
 by the 18th and 19th the whole city was one 
 ocean of flame. Volumes of fire of various 
 colours, from the vast stores of combustibles 
 in the shops, ascended to the heavens ; while 
 the troops, tormented by hunger and thirst, 
 and released from all discipline by the sur- 
 rounding horrors, rushed in search of wine 
 and booty into the burning edifices, under the 
 ruins of which many perished miserably. 
 Nine-tenths of the city were destroyed, and 
 the remainder, abandoned to pillage, and de- 
 serted by the inhabitants, offered no resources 
 to the army. The Emperor had been com- 
 pelled to leave the Kremlin on the 16th, and 
 with difficulty made his way through the 
 rushing flames to the country palace of Pe- 
 trowskv, whence he cast a melancholy look on 
 the burning city, and exclaimed, “ This event 
 is the presage of along train of disasters.” 
 
 REGALITY OF GENIUS. 
 
 Gibbon, in speaking of his own genealogy, 
 refers to the fact of Fielding being of the 
 same family as the Earl of Denbigh, who, in 
 common with the imperial family of Austria, 
 is descended from the celebrated Rodolph of 
 Hapsburgh. “ While the one branch,” he 
 says, “ have contented themselves with being 
 sheriffs of Leicestershire and justices of the 
 peace, the others have been Emperors of 
 Germany and Kings of Spain ; but the mag- 
 nificent romance of ‘ Tom Jones ’ will be read 
 with pleasure when the palace of the Escu- 
 rial is in ruins, and the Imperial eagle of 
 Austria is rolling in the dust.” 
 
 BEAU NASH. 
 
 The celebrated Beau Nash, who was long 
 master of the ceremonies, and (by courtesy ; 
 “ King of Bath,” was a sleeping partner in 
 one of the most thriving of the Bath 
 gambling-houses. Connected with his 
 transactions in this line, we give the follow- 
 ing curious anecdotes, which will show that 
 whatever were the defects of his head, his 
 heart was always in the right place : — The 
 
 Earl of T , when a young man, was 
 
 inordinately addicted to gambling, and in 
 particular loved to have the King of Bath 
 for his opponent. He was, however, no 
 match for his Majesty, who, after winning 
 several trifling sums from him, resolved to 
 attempt his cure, foreseeing that otherwise 
 he would fall a prey to adventurers who 
 might not be so forbearing as himself. Ac- 
 cordingly he engaged his Lordship one 
 evening in play to a very serious amount, 
 and won from him first all his ready money, 
 then the title-deeds of his estates, and finally 
 the very watch in his pocket, and the rings 
 on his fingers. When he had thus sufficiently 
 punished the young nobleman for his infatua- 
 tion, Nash read him a lecture on the flagrant 
 impropriety of attempting to make money 
 by gambling, when poverty cannot be 
 pleaded in justification of such conduct: 
 after which he returned him all his winnings, 
 merely exacting from him a promise that he 
 would never play again ! Not less generously 
 did he behave to an Oxford student, who had 
 come to spend the Long Vacation at Bath. 
 The greenhorn, who also affected to be a 
 gamester, «svas lucky enough to win a large 
 sum of money from our beau, and, after the 
 game was ended, was invited by him to 
 supper. “ Perhaps,” said Nash, “you think 
 I have asked you for the purpose of securing 
 my revenge ; but I can assure you that my 
 sole motive in requesting your company is 
 to set you on your guard, and to entreat you 
 to be warned by my experience, and to shun 
 play as you would the devil. This is strange 
 advice for one like me to give ; but I feel 
 for your youth and inexperience, and am 
 convinced that if you do not stop where 
 you now are you will infallibly be ruined.” 
 A few nights afterwards, having lost his 
 entire fortune at the gambling-table, the 
 young man blew his brains out. 
 
70 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 SELF- DEVOTION AND COOKERY. 
 
 Vatei was the maxtre d'hotel of the great 
 Condor the closing scene of his life is one of 
 the most extraordinary instancesof self-devo- 
 tion recorded in history. Itappearsthat Louis 
 XIY. was on a visit to Conde, at Chantilly : 
 The collation was served in a room hung 
 with jonquils ; all was as could be wished. 
 At supper there were some tables where the 
 roast was wanting, on account of several 
 parties which had not been expected; this 
 affected Yatel ; he said several times, “ I 
 am dishonoured ; this is a disgrace that I 
 cannot endure.” He said to Gourville, “ My 
 head is dizzy ; I have not slept for twelve 
 nights. Assist me in giving orders.” Gour- 
 ville assisted him as much as he could. The 
 roast, which had been wanting, not at the 
 table of the King, but at the inferior tables, 
 was constantly present to his mind. Gour- 
 ville mentioned it to the Prince : the Prince 
 even went to the chamber of Yatel, and said 
 to him : “ Yatel, aUis going on well ; nothing 
 could equal the supper of the King.’ 5 He 
 replied : “ Monseigneur, your goodness over- 
 powers me ; I know that the roast was want- 
 ing at two tables.” “ Nothing of the sort,” 
 said the Prince ; “do not distress yourself; 
 all is going on well.” Night came ; the fire- 
 works failed : they had cost sixteen thousand 
 francs. He rose at four the next morning, 
 determined to attend to everything in per- 
 son. He found everybody asleep. He meets 
 one of the inferior purveyors, who brought 
 only two packages of sea-fish : he asks, “ Is 
 that all?” “ Yes, sir.” The man was not 
 aware that Yatel had sent to all the sea- 
 ports. Yatel waits some time; the other 
 purveyors did not arrive : his brain began to 
 burn ; he believed that there would be no 
 more fish. He finds Gourville ; he said to 
 him, “ Monsieur, I shall never survive this 
 disgrace.” Gourville made light of it. Yatel 
 goes up-stairs to hi3 room, places his sword 
 against the door, and stabs himself to the 
 heart ; but it was not until the third blow, 
 after giving himself two not mortal, that he 
 fell dead. The fish, however, arrives from 
 all quarters ; they seek Yatel to distribute 
 it ; they go to his room — they knock — they 
 force open the door : he is found bathed in 
 his blood. They hasten to tell the Prince, 
 who is in despair. The Duke wept; it was 
 on Yatel that his journey from Burgundy 
 hinged. The Prince related what had passed 
 to the King, with marks of the deepest sor- 
 row. It was attributed to the high sense of 
 honour which he had after his own way. He 
 was very highly commended ; his courage 
 was praised and blamed at the same time. 
 The King said he had delayed coming to 
 Chantilly for five years, for fear of the em- 
 barrassment he should cause. 
 
 COUGHING DOWN.. 
 
 One evening when Mr. Hunt was speaking 
 in the House of Commons, an honourable 
 member was unusually persevering in his 
 efforts to cough him down. Mr. Hunt cured 
 
 the honourable gentleman of his cough by 
 one short sentence, which, delivered as it 
 was with infinite dramatic effect, created 
 universal laughter. Mr. Hunt put his hand 
 into his pantaloons pocket, and, after 
 fumbling about for a few seconds, said, with 
 the utmost imaginable coolness, that he was 
 extremely sorry to find that he had not a few 
 lozenges in his pocket for the benefit of the 
 honourable member, who seemed to be so 
 distressed with a cough, but he could assure 
 him he would provide some for him by next 
 night. Never did doctor prescribe more 
 effectualf^: not only did Mr. Hunt’s tor- 
 mentor from that moment get rid of his 
 cough, but it never returned, at least while 
 Mr. Hunt was speaking. 
 
 IRISH SKILL. 
 
 Droll, though not very logical or con- 
 clusive, was the reply of the tipsy Irishman, 
 who, as he supported himself by the iron 
 railings of Merrion-square, u T as advised by a 
 passenger to betake himself home. “Ah, 
 now, be aisy ; I live in the square ; isn’t it 
 going round and round, and when I see my 
 own door come up, won’t I pep into it in a 
 jifFey ?” 
 
 CALAMY AKD CROMWELL. 
 
 Calamy, the celebrated Presbyterian mi- 
 nister, on one occasion objected to Cromwell 
 assuming the supreme power as Protector, 
 as being, in his opinion, both unlawful and 
 impracticable. Cromwell observed, he cared 
 little about the lawfulness; but why, may 
 I ask you,” he replied, “ is it impracticable?” 
 “Oh!” observed the divine, “it is imprac- 
 ticable, inasmuch as it is against the voice 
 of the people : you will have nine in ten 
 against you.” “Very well, sir,” replied 
 Cromwell ; “ but what if I should disarm 
 the nine, and put the sword into the tenth 
 man’s hand : would that not do the business, 
 think you?” The events w r hich succeeded 
 proved that Cromwell not only entertained 
 the opinion he thus expressed, but that he 
 also acted upon it. 
 
 THE WAY OF THE WORLD. 
 
 Louis XVIII. was a gastronome of the 
 first water, and had the Due d'Escar for his 
 grand inaitre d'hotel, a man whose fortunes 
 were hardly on a par with his deserts. He 
 died inconsolable at not having given his 
 name to a single dish, after devoting Ins 
 whole life to the culinary art. When his 
 best friends wished to wound him mortally, 
 they had only to mention the Veau a la 
 Bechamel. “ Gentlemen,” he would exclaim, 
 “say no more about it, or fancy me the 
 author and inventor of the dish. This French 
 Revolution was necessary, that, in the gene- 
 ral break-up, poor Bechamel should be deco- 
 ra' ed with his glory. Entre nous, he was 
 wholly innocent of any invention whatever. 
 But such is the way of the world ! He goes 
 straight to posterity, and your most humble 
 servant will end by leaving no token of 
 remembrance behind him.” 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 71 
 
 LUDICROUS SCENE. 
 
 The following scene, which took place at 
 Desseins’s Hotel, at Calais, is related in the 
 diary of Reynolds the dramatist: — “Want- 
 ing to walk on the Pier,” says Mr. Reynolds, 
 * 1 asked the gargon, who spoke English 
 very tolerably, the French for it. He, think- 
 ing Milord Anglais could mean nothing 
 but peer, a lord, replied pair. Away I then 
 went, and passing over the market-place and 
 drawbridge, stumbled on the pier, without 
 having had occasion to inquire my way to it 
 by the gargon’s novel appellation. There I 
 remained, strutting my half-hour, till dinner- 
 time. At the table d’hote, the Commandant 
 of the troops of the town sat next tome; 
 and among other officers and gentlemen at 
 the table, were the President of the Council 
 at Ratisbon, a Russian Count, and several 
 Prussians — in all amounting to about twenty, 
 not one of whom, as it appeared to me, 
 spoke a word of English. I thought I could 
 never please a Frenchman so much as by 
 praising his town : — ‘ Monsieur,’ I said, con- 
 descendingly, to the Commandant, ‘J’aivu 
 votre pair,’ meaning, ‘I have seen your 
 pier ;’ bat which he naturally understood, ‘ I 
 have seen your. father.’ This address from a 
 perfect stranger surprised him. ‘II est beau 
 et grand, monsieur,’ I continued. The 
 Commandant examined me from head to 
 foot with an astonishment that imparted to 
 me an almost equal share. I saw there was 
 a mistake, and I attempted to explain, by 
 pronouncing very articulately, * Oui, mon- 
 sieur, j’ai vu votre pair — votre pair, sur le 
 havre.’ ‘ Eh bieo, monsieur,’ replied the 
 Commandant, ‘ et que vous a-t-il dit ?’ 
 (What did he say to you?) I was astounded, 
 and looking round the room for the keeper of 
 the supposed madman, I discovered that 
 the eyes of the whole of the company were 
 upon me. ‘Monsieur,’ I cried, again at- 
 tempting to explain, with as much delibera- 
 tien and precision, and in as good French as 
 I could command — ‘ Monsieur, est-il possible 
 que vous residiez ici et que vous ne con- 
 naissiez pas votre pair — votre pair — si long !’ 
 This speech only increased the incompre- 
 hensibility of the whole conversation; and 
 the Commandant beginning, in rather haut 
 en bas terms, to demand an explanation, like 
 all cowards, when driven into a corner, I became 
 desperate. ‘ Messieurs,’ I cried, somewhat 
 bokterously, ‘ il faut que vous connaissiez 
 votre pair ! le pair de votre ville, qui est fait 
 de pierre, et a la t£te de bois.’ This was the 
 coup de grace to all decorum ; every French- 
 man abandoned himself to his laughter, till 
 the room fairly shook with their shouts, and 
 even the Commandant himself could not 
 help joining them. ‘Allow me, sir,’ said a 
 gentleman whom I had not previously ob- 
 served — ‘ My dear sir,’ interrupted I, ‘ you 
 are an Englishman, pray, pray explain.’ 
 
 4 Sir,’ he replied, ‘you have just told this 
 gentleman,’ pointing to the Commandant, 
 * that his father is the father of the whole town, 
 that he is made of stone , and has a wooden 
 
 head !’ I was paralyzed. ‘Tell me,’ I 
 cried, as if my life depended on an answer, 
 ‘ what is the French for pier V ‘ Jetee ,’ 
 
 he replied. I had scarcely sense enough 
 left to assist the Englishman in his good- 
 natured attempts to unravel the error. He 
 succeeded, however, and then commenced in 
 French an explanation to the officers. A 
 this moment the waiter informed me that 
 the St. Omer diligence was about to depart. 
 I rushed from the scene of my disgrace, and 
 stepped into the vehicle just as the termina- 
 tion of the Englishman’s recital exploded an 
 additional eclat de rire at my expense.” 
 
 suett’s landlady. 
 
 Suett had at one time a landlady who 
 exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar 
 fluid gin, a beverage which Suett himself by 
 no means held in abhorrence. She would 
 order her servant to get the supplies after the 
 following fashion : “ Betty, go and get a 
 quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin. 
 Off started Betty. She was speedily re- 
 called: “Betty make it half a quartern 
 loaf, and a quartern of gin.” But Betty had 
 never fairly got across the threshhold on the 
 mission ere the voice was again heard : 
 “ Betty, on second thoughts, you may as well 
 make it all gin.” 
 
 A RED-POST SQUIRE. 
 
 Some } T ears since, there resided in Devon- 
 shire a certain old gentleman, named Red- 
 post Fvnes, from his having painted all the 
 gates of his fields a bright vermillion. The 
 squire was remarkable for never having been 
 able to learn to spell even the commonest 
 words in his own language ; so that, on the 
 birth of his daughter, he wrote to a friend 
 that his wife was brought to bed of a fine gull. 
 Near his house was a very old and grotesque 
 tree, cut and clipped into the form of a punch- 
 bowl ; whilst a table and seats were literally 
 affixed within the green enclosure, to which 
 was an ascent by a little ladder, like the 
 companion-ladder of a ship. 
 
 NEWSPAPER STAMP. 
 
 The following account of the origin of the 
 newspaper stamp is given by Mr. Cooke, in 
 his “ Life of Bolingbroke :” — “ Queen Anne, 
 in one of her messages to Parliament, de- 
 clared, that, by seditious papers and factious 
 rumours, designing men had been able to sink 
 credit, and that the innocent had suffered ; 
 and she recommended the House to find a 
 remedy equal to the mischief. In obedience 
 to the Queen’s desire, and at the instance of 
 her Secretary, the Parliament passed a bill, 
 in 1712, imposing a stamp duty upon pam- 
 phlets and publications. At its origin, the 
 amount of this stamp was a halfpenny; and 
 it is curious to observe what an effect this 
 trifling impost had upon the circulation of 
 the most favourite papers. Many were en- 
 tirely discontinued, and several of those 
 which survived were generally united into 
 one publication.” 
 
72 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. • 
 
 WHIST. 
 
 Mrs. Bray relates the following of a Devon- 
 shire physician, happily named Yial, who 
 was a desperate lover of whist. One even- 
 ing, in the midst of a deal, the Doctor fell 
 off his chair in a fit ! Consternation seized 
 on the company. Was he alive or dead? 
 What was to be done ? All help was given 
 hartshorn was almost poured down his 
 throat by one kind female friend, whilst 
 another feelingly singed the end of his 
 nose with burning feathers : all were in the 
 breathless agon}' of suspense for his safety. 
 At length, he showed signs of life, and, re- 
 taining the last fond idea which had pos- 
 sessed him at the moment he fell into the 
 fit, to the joy of the whole company, ex- 
 claimed, “ What is trumps ?” 
 
 A LESSON FOE A GOVERNOR. 
 
 “ Within a week after my arrival at To- 
 ronto,” says Sir Francis Head, “ I had to re- 
 ceive an address from the Speaker and Com- 
 mons’ House of Assembly ; and on inquiring 
 in what manner I was to perform my part in 
 the ceremony allotted to me, I was informed 
 that I was to sit very still on a large scarlet 
 chair with my hat on. The first half was 
 evidently an easy job; but the latter part 
 was really revolting to my habits and feel- 
 ings, and as I thought I ought to try and 
 govern by my head and not by my hat, I felt 
 convinced that the former would risk nothing 
 by being for a few minutes divorced from 
 the latter, and accordingly I determined with 
 white gloves to hold the thing in my hands ; 
 and several of my English party quite agreed 
 with me in thinking my project not only an 
 innocent but a virtuous act of common cour- 
 tesy: however, I happened to mention my 
 intention to an Upper Canadian, and never 
 shall I forget the look of silent scorn with 
 whieh he listened to me. I really quite 
 quailed beneath the reproof, which, without 
 the utterance of a word, and after scanning 
 me from head to foot, his mild intelligent 
 faithful countenance read to me, and which 
 but too clearly expressed — ‘ What ! to pur- 
 chase five minutes’ loathsome popularity, 
 will you barter one of the few remaining 
 prerogatives of the British Crown? Will 
 you, for the vain hope of conciliating insatia- 
 ble Democracy, meanly sell to it one of the 
 distinctions of your station ? Miserable man ! 
 beware, before it be too late, of surrendering 
 piecemeal that which it is your duty to main- 
 tain, and for which, after all, you will only 
 receive in exchange contumely and con- 
 tempt!’ I remained for a few seconds as 
 mute as my Canadian Mentor, and then, 
 without taking any notice of the look with 
 which he had been chastising me, I spoke to 
 him on some other subjects ; but I did not 
 forget the picture I had seen, and accord- 
 ingly my hat was tight enough on my 
 head when the Speaker bowed to it, and 
 I shall ever feel indebted to that man for 
 the sound political lesson which he taught 
 me.” 
 
 SOUND. 
 
 Pepys notes in his Diary, 1666, “ Dis- 
 coursed with Mr. Hooke about the nature of 
 sounds, who told me, that having come to a 
 certain number of vibrations proper to make 
 any tone, he is able to tell how many strokes 
 a fly makes with her wings (those flies that 
 hum in their flying) by the note that it 
 answers to in music, during their flying. 
 That, I suppose, is a little too much refined ; 
 but his discourse, in general, of sound, was 
 mighty fine.” 
 
 BLACK PREACHING. 
 
 Daddy, or Uncle Dickey, of Sierra Leone, 
 ascended the pulpit, a large, heavy-headed 
 Negro, in a blue coat, with bright metal but- 
 tons. Every tongue was silenced, every look 
 fixed, whilst his sharp eye searched each 
 countenance previous to the delivery of his 
 text. The precise subject which the sermon 
 was designed to enforce, it would be difficult 
 to define ; even the text being unintelligible, 
 with exception of the words “ Sasas, Meesas, 
 and Benny go,” whom he stated to have been 
 “ three men walking in an oven.” He spake 
 of “ Nebuchadnezzas ” as “ Daddy King, 
 who done make big feast, with plenty ba- 
 nana, plenty yarn, plenty kuskusoo, plenty 
 beef- steak and rice, plenty rum and palm- 
 oil, plenty too much.” From the zests of 
 the table he plunged into a fervid descrip- 
 tion of the burning abyss, where “ worm no 
 die,” and where unfortunates might pray for 
 the rainy season, but stop a bit, he no done 
 come yet and where he assured his friends 
 most of them would inevitably live in endless 
 pain and “troublio.” 
 
 At the moment of his speaking the ther- 
 mometer was standing at 96° in the shade,, 
 and the oppressed sense felt this eloquence. 
 “ Oh !” he exclaimed, dashing himself for- 
 ward, “ you ! all bad ! bad ! fader in he’m, 
 moder in he’m ; you soul in hell, hissing hot 
 in fire and bimtomy! Den soul have big 
 palaver with God : soul him say, God ! what 
 matter for me no inglorio !” The discourse 
 was prolonged over many a wear} 7 half-hour. 
 At length, when every terrific denunciation 
 and withering curse, which depended upon fire, 
 and red-hot iron, and brimstone, and involved 
 maddening thirst and burnt members, had 
 been introduced with small regard to any 
 specific plan, utterance became impeded by 
 hoarseness, the dry tongue cleaved to the roof 
 of the mouth, and the sermon faded and fell, 
 not from a logical conclusion having been at- 
 tained, but from sheer inability to talk longer. 
 
 One of the black preachers in Freetown 
 preached from the text, “ Melchizedec with- 
 out father, without mother, without descent,” 
 which he proceeded to explain to his audi- 
 ence; “Dat mean far say — without father, 
 him have no daddy; without mother, him 
 have no mammy;" without dde-cent,* dat 
 mean for say, without any genteel behaviour 
 at all.” 
 
 * Accenting the first syllable. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 73 
 
 CARD -PLAYING. 
 
 The Queen of Louis XV. was immoderately 
 fond of cards, and was never, perhaps, more 
 delighted than when M. de Maurepas, on 
 the occasion of the death of a Monarch in 
 alliance with France declared to her Majesty 
 that “Piquet was not obliged to go" into 
 mourning.” 
 
 THE RESTORATION. 
 
 There is a tradition in Scotland, that a 
 dram of brandy produced the restoration o 
 Charles II. The messenger from the Parlia- 
 ment of England had brought letters to 
 Monk whilst he remained at Edinburgh. 
 This messenger was at length entrusted with 
 despatches to the Governor of Edinburgh 
 Castle, a circumstance which he mentioned 
 to one of Monk’s servants while on his jour- 
 ney. The man (a sergeant) saw something 
 unusual in this, and prevailed upon his fel- 
 low-traveller to drink a dram of brandy with 
 him at a neighbouring alehouse, where the 
 messenger became ultimately so drunk, that 
 the sergeant was enabled to take the papers 
 from his custody without detection. This 
 done, he posted to his General with the 
 packet, who, on perusing its contents, found 
 an order for his arrest and detention at the 
 Castle. Policy and resentment at once 
 directed the eyes of Monk to Charles Stuart, 
 and his restoration succeeded. 
 
 INTENSE COLD IN CANADA. 
 
 Sir Francis Head relates the following 
 instances of the loss of limbs by the inten- 
 sity of the cold in Canada : — “ I one day in- 
 quired of a fine, ruddy, honest-looking man, 
 who called upon me, and whose toes and 
 insteps of each foot bad been truncated, 
 how the accident happened ? He told me 
 that the first winter he came from Eng- 
 land he lost his way in the forest, and that 
 after, walking for some hours, feeling pain in 
 his feet, he took off his boots, and from the 
 flesh immediately swelling, he was unable to 
 put them on again. His stockings, which 
 were very old ones, soon wore into holes, 
 and as rising on his insteps he was hurriedly 
 proceeding he knew not where, he saw with 
 alarm, but without feeling the slightest pain, 
 first one toe and then another break off as if 
 they had been pieces of brittle stick, and in 
 this mutilated state he continued to advance 
 till he reached a path which led him to an 
 inhabited log-house, where he remained suf- 
 fering great pain till his cure was effected. 
 On another occasion, while an Englishman 
 was driving, one bright beautiful day, in a 
 sleigh on the ice, his horse suddenly ran away, 
 and fancying he could stop him better with- 
 out his cumbersome fur gloves than with 
 them, he unfortunately took them off. As 
 the infuriated animal at his utmost speed 
 proceeded, the man, who was facing a keen 
 north-west wind, felt himself gradually, as it 
 were, turning into marble ; and, by the time 
 he stopped, both his hands were so com- 
 pletely and so irrecoverably frozen, that he 
 was obliged to have them amputated.” 
 
 GAINSBOROUGH’S PIGS. 
 
 A countryman was shown Gainsborough’s 
 celebrated picture of “ The Pigs.” “ To be 
 sure,” said he, “they be deadly like pigs* 
 but there is one fault; nobody ever saw 
 three pigs feeding together, but what one on 
 ’em had a foot in the trough.” 
 
 PORTRAIT OF NAPOLEON. 
 
 The following description of the person of 
 Napoleon is given by Captain Maitland, in 
 his “ Narrative of the Surrender of Bona- 
 parte,” in 1815 : — “He was then a remark- 
 ably strong, well-built man, about five feet 
 seven inches high, his limbs particularly well 
 formed, with a fine ancle and a very small 
 foot, of which he seemed very vain, as he 
 always wore, while on board the ship, silk 
 stockings aud shoes. His hands were also 
 small, and had the plumpness of a woman’s 
 rather than the robustness of a man’s. His 
 eyes were light grey, his teeth good ; and, 
 when he smiled, the expression of hi3 coun- 
 tenance was highly pleasing: when under 
 the influence of diappointment, however, it 
 assumed a dark and gloomy cast. His hair 
 was a very dark brown, nearly approaching to 
 black ; and, though a little thin on the top 
 and front, had not a grey hair amongst it. 
 His complexiou was a very uncommon one, 
 being of a light sallow colour, different from 
 any other I ever met with. From his being 
 corpulent, he had lost much of his activity.” 
 
 MOZART AND THE ORCHESTRA. 
 
 Mozart, being once on a visit at Marseilles, 
 went to the opera incognito, to hear the per- 
 formance of his “Villanella Rapita.” He 
 had reason to be tolerably well satisfied, till, 
 in the midst of the principal aria, the 
 orchestra, through some error in the copying 
 of the score, sounded a D natural where the 
 composer had written D sharp. This sub- 
 stitution did not injure the harmony, but 
 gave a common-place character to the 
 phrase, and obscured the sentiment of the 
 composer. Mozart no sooner heard it than 
 he started up vehemently, and, from the 
 middle of the pit, cried out in a voice of 
 thunder, “Will you play D sharp, you 
 wretches?” The sensation produced in the 
 theatre may be imagined. The actors were 
 astounded, the lady who was singing stopped 
 short, the orchestra followed her example, 
 and the audience, with loud exclamations, 
 demanded the expulsion of the offender. He 
 was accordingly seized, and required to name 
 himself. He did so, and at the name of 
 Mozart the clamour suddenly subsided into a 
 silence of respectful awe, and which was soon 
 succeeded by reiterated shouts of applause 
 from all sides. It was insisted that the opera 
 should be recommenced. Mozart was in- 
 stalled in the orchestra, and directed the 
 whole performance. This time the D sharp 
 was played in its proper place, and the mu- 
 sicians themselves were surprised at the su- 
 perior effect produced. After the opera Mo- 
 zart was conducted in triumph to his hotel. 
 
74 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 THE GALLIPOT. 
 
 “ I remember,” says Theodore Hook, “ when 
 I was at school, two of the boys proceeded 
 to a pond for the purpose of swimming a 
 gallipot, which was the property of the 
 bigger boy of the two. It chanced that, in 
 the eagerness incidental to this exciting 
 amusement, the smaller boy tipped into the 
 water, and, after a good deal of struggling, 
 sank, and was drowned. After the melan- 
 choly catastrophe, the bigger boy was ques- 
 tioned as to what efforts he had made to 
 rescue his companion, and his answers made 
 it evident that he had by no means exerted 
 himself to the utmost. This conviction pro- 
 duced a severe rebuke from the tutor ; upon 
 which Master Simpson burst into a flood of 
 tears, and said, ‘ I do think that I could 
 have saved Green — but, if I had tried, I 
 should have lost my gallipot .’ ” 
 
 PRESENTIMENT OF DEATH. 
 
 The following singular instance of presenti- 
 ment is related in Cadell’s “ Campaigns in 
 Egypt — “ When the inlying picquets 
 turned out in the morning, a soldier of my 
 company (the Grenadiers), named M‘Kin- 
 lay, came up to me, handing a paper, and 
 said, ‘ Captain, here is my will ; I am to be 
 killed to-day ; and I will all my arrears and 
 everything I have to my comrade, Hugh 
 Swift.’ ‘ What nonsense, M‘Kinlay,’ I replied 
 to him; ‘go into action, and do what you 
 have always done : behave like a brave sol- 
 dier.’ He answered, ‘I will do that, sir; 
 but I am certain I am to be killed to-day, 
 and I request you to take my will.’ To sa- 
 tisfy him, I took it, and the man fought 
 with the piquets during the whole day with 
 great coolness and gallantry. In the after- 
 noon, a little before the action was over, we 
 rejoined the regiment ; we had suffered much 
 but M‘Kinlay was standing unhurt, close to 
 me ; upon which I observed to him, ‘ So, 
 M‘Kinlay, I suspect you are wrong this 
 time.’ The right of the regiment being 
 posted on the round of a hill cut into steps 
 for the vines, a body of the enemy’s sharp- 
 shooters came close under us, and opened a 
 fire to cover their retiring columns. M‘Kin- 
 lay, seeing one of them taking aim over the 
 arm of a fig-tree in our direction, exclaimed, 
 ‘ Look at that rascal going to shoot our cap- 
 tain !’ And, advancing one step down the 
 hill, he presented at the Frenchman, who, 
 however, was unfortunately too quick for 
 him, for in an instant afterwards poor M‘Kin- 
 Jay was shot through the neck, and killed 
 on the spot The same ball gave me a se- 
 vere contusion on the breast, and I fell with 
 the unfortunate man, and was actually co- 
 vered with his blood. He was one of the 
 best soldiers in the Grenadier company, and 
 was much regretted ; indeed, but for him, 
 it is probable I should not have lived to tell 
 this tale. The will was duly forwarded to 
 the War-Office, whence an order was issued 
 for his comrade Swift to receive all that was 
 due to him.” 
 
 CARTER FOOTE. 
 
 There was some years ago a character (of 
 Tavistock) in humble life, whose name was 
 Carter Foote. On returning from Oakhamp- 
 ton, whither he had journied on business, he 
 re-mounted hi3 horse, after having enjoyed 
 himself at the public-house, and attempted 
 to pass the river below the bridge, by fording 
 it over. The day had been stormy, and one 
 of those sudden swells of the river (that 
 sometimes happen in hilly countries, where 
 the currents rush rapidly from the moors) 
 taking place, he found himself in extreme 
 danger. After long endeavouring to struggle 
 with the current, he leapt from his horse upon 
 a large portion of rock, which still kept its 
 head above water ; and there the unfortunate 
 man stood calling aloud for help, though his 
 cries were scarcely audible, from the roaring 
 of the wind and the water. 
 
 Some person going by ran and procured a 
 rope, which he endeavoured to throw to- 
 wards the rock ; but finding it impossible to 
 do so without further assistance, he begged 
 two men, belonging to Oakhampton, who 
 drew near the spot, to give him help and 
 save the stranger, whose life was in so much 
 peril. One of them, however, very leisurely 
 looked at the sufferer, and only saying, 
 “ ’Tis a Tav’stock man, let un go,” walked 
 off with his companion, and poor Carter Foote 
 was drowned. 
 
 MATHEWS IN AMERICA. 
 
 In 1834, Mr. Mathews revisited the United 
 States, though it had been affirmed that he 
 dared not cross the Atlantic after his vivid 
 sketches of the Americans ; but he had formed 
 a just estimate of his hold over their risible 
 faculties, as well as of their common sense. He 
 met with slight opposition, which he put 
 down at once in a very able and manly ad- 
 dress; and henceforth his reception was as 
 enthusiastic as on his first visit. Writing 
 from New York, soon after his arrival there, 
 he says : “ Briefly, I am well, and successful 
 to the extent of my hopes — expectations — 
 wishes ; my wife is well also. There has 
 been an attempt at opposition, but a very 
 trifling one. There is an opposition theatre, 
 from whence, it is supposed, emanated a hand- 
 bill, industriously circulated, to prevent my 
 being heard at all on my first appearance. I 
 was, however, to the discomfiture of my 
 enemies, received with huzzas and waving 
 of hats. The house was crammed. The bill 
 gave me a grievance — an opportunity to ad- 
 dress them, and I did, I flatter myself, speak 
 so boldly and independently on the subject 
 that I silenced for ever (which means during 
 my engagement) the attempts to injure me. 
 I pledged myself to perform the ‘Trip,’ as 
 1 had in London, and on that rest my hopes 
 of refuting the charges brought against me. 
 In short, 1 triumphed, and the Yankees have 
 evinced their good sense in bearing with 
 good humour the jokes against them. The 
 (Militia Mu3ter Folk,’ and ‘Uncle Bert’ 
 (ditto Judge), went as well as in England.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 75 
 
 THE FUCHSIA. 
 
 Mr. Shepherd, the respectable and well- 
 informed conservator of the Botanic Gar- 
 dens at Liverpool, gives the following 
 curious account of the introduction of that 
 elegant little flowering shrub, the Fuchsia, 
 into our English green-houses and parlour 
 windows : — Old Mr. Lee, a nurseryman and 
 gardener near London, well known fifty or 
 sixty years ago, was one day showing his 
 variegated treasures to a friend, who sud- 
 denly turned to him and declared, “Well, 
 you have not in your collection a prettier 
 flower than I saw this morning at Wapping.” 
 “ No ! and pray what was this phoenix like ?” 
 “ Why, the plant was elegant, and the flowers 
 hung in rows like tassels from the pendent 
 branches, their colour the richest crimson ; 
 in the centre a fold of deep purple,” and so 
 forth. Particular directions being demanded 
 and given, Mr. Lee posted off to Wapping, 
 where he at once perceived that the plant 
 was new in this part of the world. He saw 
 and admired. Entering the house, he said, 
 “My good woman, this is a nice plant ; I 
 should like to buy it.” “Ah, sir, I could not 
 sell it for no money ; for it was brought me 
 from the West Indies by my husband, who 
 has now left again, and I must keep it for his 
 sake.” “But I must have it.” “No, sir.” 
 “ Here (emptying his pocket) ; here are 
 gold, silver, copper” (his stock was something 
 more than eight guineas). “Well-a-day, 
 but this is a power of money, sure and sure.” 
 “ ’Tis yours, and the plant is mine ; and, my 
 good dame, you shall have one of the first 
 young ones I rear, to keep for your hus- 
 band’s sake.” “Alack, alack !” “ You shall, 
 I say, by Jove.” A coach was called, in 
 which was safely deposited our florist and his 
 seemingly dear purchase. His first work 
 was to pull off and utterly destroy every 
 vestige of blossom and blossom-bud ; it was 
 divided into cuttings, which were forced in 
 bark-beds and hot-beds, were re-divided 
 and sub -divided. Every effort was used to 
 multiply the plant. By the commencement 
 of the next flowering season. Mr. Lee wasthe 
 delighted possessor of 300 fuchsia plants, all 
 giving promise of blossom. The two which 
 opened first were removed into his show- 
 house. A lady came : “ Why, Mr. Lee, my 
 dear Mr. Lee, where did you get this charm- 
 ing flower?” “ Hem ! ’tis a new thing, my 
 lady: pretty, is it not?” “Pretty! ’tis 
 lovely. Its price?” “A guinea; thank 
 your ladyship and one of the two plants 
 stood proudly in her ladyship’s boudoir. 
 “My dear Charlotte, where did you get” 
 &c. “Ob, ’tis a new thing; I saw it at old 
 Lee’s. Pretty, is it not?” “Pretty! ’tis 
 beautiful! Its price?” “A guinea. There 
 was another left.” The visitor’s horses 
 smoked off to the suburb ; a third flowering 
 plant stood on the spot whence the first had 
 been taken. The second guinea was paid, 
 and the second chosen fuchsia adorned the 
 drawingroom of her second ladyship. The 
 scene was repeated as new-comers saw, and 
 
 were attracted by the beauty of the plant. 
 New chariots flew to the gates of old Lee’s 
 nursery-ground. Two Fuchsias, young, 
 graceful, and bursting into healthy flower, 
 were constantly seen on the same spot in his 
 repository. 
 
 He neglected not to gladden the faithful 
 sailor’s wife by the promised gift; but ere 
 the flower season closed, three hundred 
 golden guineas chinked in his purse, the 
 produce of the single shrub of the widow of 
 Wapping ; the reward of the taste, decision 
 skill, and perseverance of old Mr. Lee. 
 
 A SAPIENT LORD MAYOR. 
 
 A curious instance of misapprehension of 
 the motives that guide the Royal Academy 
 in issuing the invitations to their annual 
 dinner occurred some years since. A certain 
 Lord Mayor, who, as Lord Mayor only, had 
 been one of the guests, found himself, of 
 course, on the recurrence of the next year’s 
 dinner, unincluded in the list of invitations. 
 Accordingly, he wrote an angry letter of re- 
 monstrance to the Royal Academy, desiring 
 to know the reason of his exclusion. For 
 some time everybody was puzzled to dis- 
 cover who Alderman was, and how he 
 
 could possibly have attended the last year’s 
 dinner. At length, one of the council sug- 
 gested that their quondam guest might be 
 the deposed Lord Mayor. His hypothesis was 
 discovered to be correct, and the secretary 
 was charged with the disagreeable duty of 
 informing the reclaimant that he had only 
 been asked as first representative of the City 
 of London, and that now that he had relapsed 
 into plain Alderman, the invitation had ne- 
 cessarily been forwarded to his successor in 
 the civic throne . — Life of J. Collins, R.A. 
 
 BREVITY. 
 
 Colonel S , of the Royal Marines, was 
 
 always distinguished for the perspicuity and 
 brevity of his speeches, of which the follow- 
 ing, which was delivered on going into the 
 battle of the Nile, is aspecimen : — Sir James 
 Saumarez, who commanded the man-of-war 
 to which he belonged, had, in a lengthened 
 speech, wound up the feelings of his hearers 
 to the highest pitch of ardour for the fight, 
 by reminding them of the duty they owed to 
 their King and country; and, though last, 
 not least, he desired them to call to mind 
 their families, their parents, and sweethearts, 
 and to fight as if the battle solely depended 
 on their individual exertions. He was an- 
 swered by looks and gestures highly expres- 
 sive of their determination ; then, turning to 
 
 our hero, he said, “ Now, S , I leave you 
 
 to speak to the marines.” Colonel S 
 
 immediately directed their attention to the 
 land beyond the French fleet. “ Do you see 
 that land there?” he asked. They all 
 shouted “Ay, ay, sir!” “Now, my lads, 
 that’s the land of Egypt ; and if you don’t 
 fight like devils, you’ll soon be in the house 
 of bondage.” He was answered by a real 
 British yell, fore and aft. 
 
76 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 GEORGE BIDDER. 
 
 Precocious talent rarely ripens. The case 
 of “ George Bidder,” known many years since 
 as “ the calculating boy,” is, however a bril- 
 liant exception. The young calculator was 
 highly educated at a Scotch university, and 
 next placed with an eminent civil engineer, 
 lie was then associated with Mr. Robert 
 Stephenson in the construction of the London 
 and Blackwall Railway ; and in the present 
 day Mr. Bidder deservedly ranks as a first -class 
 engineer, having completed some of the most 
 important railway works in the kingdom. 
 
 LORD NORTH ASLEEP. 
 
 His Lordship was accustomed to sleep 
 during the Parliamentary harangues of his 
 adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note 
 down anything remarkable. During a de- 
 bate on ship- building, some tedious speaker 
 entered on a historical detail, in which, com- 
 mencing with Noah’s ark, he traced the pro- 
 gress of the art regularly downwards. When 
 he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir 
 Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering 
 premier, who inquired at what era the ho- 
 nourable gentleman had arrived. Being an- 
 swered, “ We are nowin the reign of Queen 
 Elizabeth,” “Dear Sir Grey,” said he, 
 “ why not let me sleep a century or two 
 more ?” 
 
 HOOD AND GRIMALDI. 
 
 Mr. Hood relates the following anecdote of 
 Grimaldi, who, at the close of hi3 theatrical 
 career, called upon the humourist — but a to- 
 tal wreck : the lustre of his bright eye was 
 gone; his eloquent face was passive, and 
 looked thrown out of work, and his frame 
 was bowed down by no feigned decrepitude. 
 “ His melancholy errand to me,” says Hood, 
 “related to a farewell address, which, at the 
 invitation of his staunch friend, Miss Kelly — 
 for it did not require a request — 1 had under- 
 taken to indite. He pleaded earnestly that 
 it might be brief, being, he said, ‘a bad 
 study,’ as well as distrustful of his bodily 
 strength. Of his sufferings he spoke with a 
 sad but resigned tone — expressed deep re- 
 gret at quitting a profession he delighted in 
 — and partly attributed the sudden breaking 
 down of his health to the superior size of one 
 particular stage, which required of him a 
 jump extra in getting off. That additional 
 bound, like the bittock at the end of a Scotch 
 mile, had, he thought, overtasked his 
 strength. His whole deportment and con- 
 versation impressed me with the opinion 
 that he was a simple, sensible, warm-hearted 
 being— such, indeed, as he appears in his 
 ‘Memoirs’ — a Joseph after Parson Adams’s 
 own heart. W e shook hands heartily, parted, 
 and I never saw him again ! He was a rare 
 practical humourist ; and I never look into 
 ‘ Rabelais,’ with its hugh-mouthed Garagan- 
 tua, and his enormous appetite for plenty of 
 links, chitterlings, and puddings, in their 
 season, without thinking that, in Grimaldi 
 and his pantomime, I have lost my best set 
 of illustrations of that literary extravaganza.” 
 
 buffon’s son. 
 
 The son of Buffon was a very dolt. Ri- 
 varol said of him, “ He is the worst chapter 
 of his father’s ‘ Natural History.’ ” 
 
 WINE. 
 
 Some people are very proud of their wine, 
 and court your approbation by incessant 
 fishing. One of a party being invited by 
 Sir Thomas Grouts to a second glass of his 
 “ Old East India,” he said that one w r as a 
 dose — had rather not double the Cape ; and 
 at the first glass of champagne, he inquired 
 whether there had been a plentiful supply 
 of gooseberries that year. 
 
 QUICK, THE ACTOR. 
 
 The celebrated comedian, John Quick, re- 
 sided in Hornsey-row, subsequently Well’s- 
 row, Islington. He was born in 1748, and 
 left his father, a brewer, in Whitechapel, 
 when only fourteen years of age, to become 
 an actor. He commenced his career at Fui- 
 ham, where he performed the character of 
 Altamont, in the “ Fair Penitent,” which he 
 personified so much to the satisfaction of the 
 manager, that he desired his wife to set 
 young Quick down a whole share, which, at 
 the close of the farce, amounted to three 
 shillings. In the counties of Kent and Sur- 
 rey he acted with great success ; and, before 
 he w r as eighteen, performed Hamlet , Borneo , 
 Bichard, George Barnwell, Jaffier, Tancred, 
 and many other characters in the higher 
 walks of tragedy. In a few years he suffi- 
 ciently distinguished himself as an actor of 
 such versatile talents, that he was engaged 
 by 7 Foote, at the Haymiarket Theatre, in 1769, 
 where he became a great favourite with 
 George III., who, when visiting the theatre, 
 always expected Quick to appear in a pro- 
 minent character. He was the original Tony 
 Lumpkin , A cres, and Isaac Mendoza ; and, 
 after his appearance in these characters, ha 
 stood before the public as the Liston of the 
 day. Mr. Quick may be considered one oi 
 the last of the Garrick school. In 1798 he 
 quitted the stage, after thirty-six years of its 
 toils, and, with the exception of a few nights 
 at the Lyceum, after the destruction of Co- 
 vent-Garden Theatre, did not act afterwards. 
 He retired with ten thousand pounds, which 
 served him, and left something for his son 
 and daughter. Up to the last day of his life 
 he was in the habit of joining a respectable 
 company, wffiicli frequented the King’s Head, 
 opposite Islington church, by whom he was 
 recognised as president. Forty years before 
 his death, he ivas told by 7 his physician that 
 drinking punch would be the death of him; 
 but he had then drunk it twenty years, and 
 continued the practice till the day of his 
 death, which took place at Islington, April 
 4, 1831, aged eighty 7 -three. By his will, 
 which, from constant w 7 ear in his pocket, was 
 in a very tattered condition, he divided his 
 personal property, sworn under six thousand 
 pounds, between his son, William Quick, and 
 his daughter, Mrs. Davenport. 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 77 
 
 WRITING FOR THE STAGE. 
 
 People would be astonished if they were 
 aware of the cart-loads of trash which are 
 annually offered to the director of a London 
 theatre. The very first manuscript (says 
 George Colman) which was proposed to me 
 for representation, on my undertaking the- 
 atrical management, was from a nautical 
 gentleman, on a nautical subject ; the piece 
 Avas of a tragic description, and in five acts ; 
 during the principal scenes of which the 
 hero of the drama declaimed from the main- 
 mast of a man-of-war, without once descend- 
 ing from his position ! 
 
 A QUESTION SETTLED. 
 
 One morning, a very philosophical gentle- 
 man, a great inquirer' into right and wrong, 
 causes and effects, and in mind akin to the 
 sage in “ Rasselas,” who wished to arrange the 
 world after his own ideas of order and equity, 
 came down to breakfast, and beheld, from a 
 window looking into a back court, a cat 
 playing with a mouse. Hereupon, our phi- 
 losopher began thus to muse within himself : 
 “Is it just that one poor, weak, defence- 
 less creature should become the sport and 
 prey of another, large, strong, and rapacious ? 
 is it right, that suddenly, in its prime of 
 life and enjoyment, it should thus barba- 
 rously be cut off from both ? Shall I drive 
 its enemy away, and deliver it ? Yet if I do, 
 cui bono ?” My cat and millions of other 
 people’s cats would still catch mice : I may 
 preserve the existence of one mouse for a 
 space (alas! it cannot be for long!), but 
 not of the species: yet grant that I could 
 save the whole race — what then? Why, 
 then the genus Mas would so increase and 
 multiply, that , overrunning the earth, they 
 would become the pests and destroyers of 
 man? Besides, would it be kind and just 
 towards the cat, made by nature a beast of 
 prey, to deprive her of this mouse? For 
 Providence has assuredly not less formed 
 mice to be eaten, than cats to devour them? 
 What right have I then to deprive Puss of 
 her lawful prey ? And what shall I do ? I 
 am, I confess, fairly puzzled; for here are 
 two principles very opposite, but both, it 
 seems to me, equally rational. It is unjust 
 that the weaker should become the prey of 
 the stronger ; but it is equally unjust to de- 
 prive that stronger of its appointed suste- 
 nance, be it obtained as it may. How shall 
 I reconcile these differences ? How proceed, 
 in so delicate a case?” &c. Whilst our 
 philosopher perplexed himself with these 
 truly edifying thoughts ( they passed through 
 his mind much quicker than we can detail 
 them), forgetting that he had no business to j 
 interfere with the original laws laid down by 
 the Creator of all things, or to attempt to | 
 remodel them— a housemaid with her broom 
 stepped into the yard, and in a summary 
 manner ended his deliberations, by sending 
 the cat flying from a bang with her staff of 
 office, and laying the mouse dead on the spot 
 with a sturdy and well-directed blow. 
 
 A “QUASI.” 
 
 In an account of an accident in a daily 
 newspaper, a short time since, it w'as stated 
 that the sufferer was attended by three sur- 
 geons ; nevertheless, he was likely to recover ; 
 so that the chance of recovery seems lessened 
 as the medical attendants increase. 
 
 FATTENING A QUEEN. 
 
 Mr. Holman, in his “ Voyage round the 
 World,” says: — “The favourite Queen of 
 Duke Ephraim, of Old Calabar, was so large, 
 that she could scarcely walk, or even move ; 
 indeed, they were all prodigiously large, 
 their beauty consisting more in the mass of 
 physique than in the symmetry of face or 
 figure. This uniform tendency to embonpoint, 
 on an unusual scale, was accounted for by 
 the singular fact, that the female on whom, 
 his Majesty fixes his regard is regularly 
 fattened up to a certain standard, previously 
 to the nuptial ceremony, it appearing to be 
 essential to the queenly dignity that the 
 lady should be fat. We saw a very fine 
 young woman undergoing this ordeal. She 
 was sitting at a table with a large bowl of 
 farinaceous food, which she was swallowing 
 as fast as she could pass the spoon to and 
 from the bowl and her mouth.” 
 
 SLEEP-WALKING. 
 
 A case is related of an English clergyman 
 who used to get up in the night, light his 
 candle, write sermons, correct them with in- 
 terlineations, and retire to bed again ; being 
 all the time asleep. The Archbishop of Bor- 
 deaux mentions a similar case of a student, 
 who got up to compose a sermon while 
 asleep, wrote it correctly, read it over from 
 one end to the other, or at least appeared to 
 read it, made corrections on it, scratched out 
 lines, and substituted others, put in its place 
 a word which had been omitted, composed 
 music, wrote it accurately down, and per- 
 formed other things equally surprising. Dr. 
 Gail notices a miller who was in the 
 habit of getting up every night and attend- 
 ing to his usual avocations at the mill, then 
 returning to bed : on awaking in the morn- 
 ing, he recollected nothing of what passed 
 during night. Martinet speaks of a saddler 
 who was accustomed to rise in his sleep 
 and work at his trade; and Dr. Pritchard 
 of a farmer who got out of bed, dressed him- 
 self, saddled his horse, and rode to the 
 market, being all the while asleep. Dr. 
 Blacklock, on one occasion, rose from bed, 
 to which he had retired at an early hour, 
 came into the room where his family were 
 assembled, conversed with them, and after- 
 wards entertained them with a pleasant 
 song, without any of them suspecting he 
 was asleep, and without his retaining, after 
 he awoke, the least recollection of what he 
 had done. It is a singular, yet well-authen- 
 ticated fact, that in the disastrous retreat of 
 Sir John Moore, many of the soldiers fell 
 asleep, yet continued to march along with 
 their comrades. 
 
78 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 what’s to be done? 
 
 The Duke of Rutland, when Lord-Lieu- 
 tenant of Ireland, in a drunken frolic knight- 
 ed the landlord of an inn in a country 
 town. Being told the next morning what 
 he had done, the Duke sent for mine host, 
 and begged of him to consider the ceremonial 
 as merely a drunken frolic. “ For my own 
 part, my Lord Duke, I should readily com- 
 ply with your Excellency’s wish ; but Lady 
 O’Shaunessy !” 
 
 BAD HABIT. 
 
 Sir Frederick Flood had a droll habit, of 
 which he could never effectually break him- 
 self (at least in Ireland). Whenever a per- 
 son at his back whispered or suggested any- 
 thing to him whilst he was speaking in 
 public, without a moment’s reflection, he 
 always repeated the suggestion literatim. Sir 
 Frederick was once making a long speech in 
 the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcend- 
 ant merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a 
 motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction 
 in that county, to keep down the disaffected. 
 As he was closing a most turgid oration by 
 declaring “ that the said magistracy ought 
 to receive some signal mark of the Lord- 
 Lieutenant’s favour,” John Egan, who was 
 rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocu- 
 larly whispered, “and be whipped at the 
 cart’s tail.” “ And be whipped at the cart’s 
 tail !” repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, 
 amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter. 
 
 ADMIRAL, HOBSON. 
 
 The gallant Admiral Hobson, having been 
 left an orphan at a very early age, was ap- 
 prenticed to a tailor ; but disliking his 
 situation, and inspired by the sight of a 
 squadron of men-of-war coming round the 
 Dun-nose, he suddenly quitted his w r ork, ran 
 to the beach, jumped into the first boat he 
 saw, and plied his oars so skilfully, that he 
 quickly reached the admiral’s ship, where he 
 entered as a sea-boy. Within a day or two 
 afterwards, they met a French squadron, and 
 during the action that ensued, while the 
 admiral and his antagonist were engaged 
 yard-arm and yard-arm, young Hobson con- 
 trived to get on board the enemy’s ship 
 unperceived, and struck and carried off the 
 French flag : at the moment when he re- 
 gained his own vessel, the British tars 
 shouted “ Victory !” without any other cause 
 than that the enemy’s colours had disap- 
 peared. The French crew, thrown into con- 
 fusion by this event, ran from their guns; 
 and while the officers were ineffectually en- 
 deavouring to rally them, the British sea- 
 men boarded their ship, and forced them to 
 surrender. At this juncture, Hobson de- 
 scended from the shrouds with the French 
 flag wrapped round his arm; and after 
 triumphantly exhibiting his prize to the 
 seamen upon the main-deck, he was ordered 
 to the quarter-deck, where the admiral com- 
 plimented him on his bravery, and assured 
 him of his protection. 
 
 THE BLOOD. 
 
 Two gentlemen were discussing, in James 
 Smith’s company, the colour of the blood. 
 “You say,” cried one, “that our blood is 
 at first quite white : I will credit it, if you 
 can also tell me in what stage (of circulation) 
 it becomes red?” “Tell him,” whispered 
 Smith, “ in the Reading stage, of course.” 
 
 SNORING. 
 
 Old Hicks was an awful snorer. He could 
 be heard farther than a blacksmith’s forge ; 
 but his wife became so accustomed to it that 
 it soothed her repose. They were a very do- 
 mestic couple — never slept apart for many 
 years. At length, the old man was required 
 to attend assizes at some distance. The first 
 night after his departure, his wife never 
 slept a wink ; she missed the snoring. The 
 second night passed away in the same man- 
 ner, without sleep. She was getting into a 
 very bad way, and probably would have died, 
 had it not been for the ingenuity of a servant- 
 girl. She took the coffee-mill into her mis- 
 tress' chamber, and ground her to sleep at once ! 
 
 CHEAP LIVING. 
 
 Mathews, in his Adelphi entertainments, 
 used to tell an excellent story of what would 
 be called, in the workhouse phrase, the 
 dietary system of two Frenchmen who 
 rambled their way to live on their wits in 
 London. The Frenchmen, on finding the 
 finances on which they expected to live for a 
 year running to the dregs within a week in 
 the expenses of London, determined to se- 
 parate, for the purpose of greater economy. 
 At the end of a month, they met by accident ; 
 Monsieur Jean stared at the sight of Mon- 
 sieur Pierre, as if he were an apparition. 
 Monsieur Pierre gazed oi_ Monsieur Jean 
 with a mixture of envy and astonishment, 
 for Monsieur Jean had become as corpulent 
 as an Alderman, while Monsieur Pierre was 
 reduced to skin and bone. 
 
 “ Ma foi,” said the starving Pierre, “ how 
 is all this? I am half starved. For the last 
 fortnight I have lived on bread and water ; 
 while you look as round as a burgomaster.” 
 “The matter is easily explained,” said 
 Monsieur Jean ; “ I live on a delightful thing 
 that costs me only four sous a day.” 
 
 “ Ma foi,” said the starving Pierre, “ tell 
 me what it is. What do they call it ?” 
 
 “ What it is, I don’t know,” was the 
 answer ; “ but they called it cat’s-meat” 
 
 But we think the following expedient for 
 cheap living nearly equal to the discovery of 
 Monsieur Jean. The recipe is given as the 
 substance of a book written by Dr. Alcott, a 
 physician, of Salem : — “ For breakfast, take 
 two cents’ worth (a halfpenny) of dried 
 apples, without drink ; for dinner, drink a 
 quart of water, to swell the apples, take tea 
 with a friend.” This, we have no doubt, is 
 a capital recipe to bring patients to the 
 doctor, though we think some other word 
 than substance should be used in its descrip- 
 tion. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 79 
 
 SONNET ON STEAM — (iIOOD.) 
 
 I wish I livd a Thowsen year Ago 
 Wurking for Sober six and seven milers 
 And duble Stages rannen safe and slo 
 The Orsis cum 'in them days to the bilers 
 But Now by meens of powers of Steem forces 
 A-turning Coches into Smoakey Kettles 
 The Bilers seem a Gumming to the Orses 
 And Helps and naggs Will sune be out of 
 Yittels 
 
 Poor Bruits I wunder How we bee to Liv 
 When suteh a change of Orses is our Faits 
 No nothink need Be sifted in a Siv 
 May them Blowd ingins ail Blow up their 
 Grates 
 
 And Theaves of Osiers crib the Coles and 
 Giv 
 
 Their Blackgard Hannimuls a Feed of Slaits 
 
 MISS BURDETT COUTTS’S FORTUNE. 
 
 The late Duchess of St. Albans left 
 this excellent lady the sum of £1,800,000. 
 The weight of this enormous sum in gold, 
 reckoning 60 sovereigns to the pound, is 13 
 tons 7 cwt. 3 qr. 121b. and would require 
 107 men to carry it, supposing that each of 
 them carried 298 lb. (equivalent to the 
 weight of a sack of flour). This large sum 
 may be partially guessed, by knowing also, 
 that, counting at the rate of 60 sovereigns a 
 minute for eight hours a day, and six days, 
 of course, in the week, it would take ten 
 weeks, two days, and four hours to accom- 
 plish the task. In sovereigns, by the most 
 exact computation (each measuring in 
 diameter 17-20th of an inch, and placed to 
 touch each other), it would extend to the 
 length of 24 miles and 260 yards, or about 
 the distance between Merthyr and Cardiff ; 
 and in crown-pieces, to 113^ miles and 280 
 yards. £1,800,000 was the exact sum also 
 left by old Jemmy Wood, of Gloucester. 
 
 RECOLLECTION OF MILTON. 
 
 Mrs. Foster, grand-daughter of Milton, 
 the immortal author of “ Paradise Lost,” 
 kept a chandler’s shop at Lower Holloway 
 for some years, and died at Islington, May 9, 
 1754, in the 66th year of her age, when the 
 poet’s family became extinct: she had lived 
 many years in a low way, and was at last 
 depressed with poverty and the infirmities of 
 age. It does not appear that her grand- 
 father’s admirers took any notice of her till 
 1750, when, on the 5th of April in that year, 
 “ Comus ” was represented at Drury-Lane 
 Theatre, with a new prologue, written by 
 Johnson, and spoken by Garrick, for her 
 benefit, which produced her one hundred and 
 thirty pounds. Dr. Johnson says, that “ she 
 had so little acquaintance with diversion or 
 gaiety, that she did not know what was in- 
 tended when a benefit was offered her. . . 
 
 She knew little of her grandfather, and that 
 little was not good. She told of his harsh- 
 ness to his daughters, and his refusal to have 
 them taught to write ; but, in opposition to 
 other accounts, represented him as delicate, 
 though temperate in his diet.” . 
 
 UNLUCKY TEXT. 
 
 Poor Dr. Sheridan, in an unguarded mo- 
 ment, but in as guiltless a spirit as charac- 
 terized the Yicar of Wakefield, chose for his 
 text, upon the anniversary of the succession 
 of the House of Hanover, “ Sufficient for the 
 day is the evil thereof.” Although the ser- 
 mon did not contain a single political allu- 
 sion that could have caused uneasiness, or 
 should have given offence, yet it was recorded 
 in judgment against him, and obstructed his 
 preferment ever after. 
 
 SUGGESTION. 
 
 “ Do you know what made my voice so 
 melodious?” said a celebrated vocal per- 
 former of awkward manners to Charles Ban- 
 nister. “No,” replied the other. “Why, 
 then, I’ll tell you : when I was about fifteen, 
 I swallowed, by acc dent, some train oil.” 
 “1 don’t think,” rejoined Bannister, “it 
 would have done you any harm if, at the 
 same time, you had swallowed a dancing- 
 master ! ” 
 
 EXECUTION OF SIR WALTER RALEIGH. 
 
 On the morning of Raleigh’s execution, 
 his keeper brought a cup of sack to him, and 
 inquired how he was pleased with it? “As 
 well as he who drank of St. Giles’s bowl as 
 he rode to Tyburn,” answered the knight, 
 and said, it was good drink, if a man might 
 but tarry by it. “ Prithee, never fear, Cees- 
 ton,” cried he to his old friend Sir Hugh, who 
 was repulsed from the scaffold by the sheriff - , 
 “ I shall have a place ! ” A man bald from 
 extreme age pressed forward “ to see him,” 
 he said, “ and pray God for him.” Raleigh 
 took a richly- embroidered cap from his own 
 head, and placing it on that of the old man, 
 said, “ Take this, good friend, to remember 
 me, for you have more need on it than I.” 
 “ Farewell, my Lords,” was his cheerful part- 
 ing to a courtly group who affectionately 
 took their leave of him, “ I have a long jour- 
 ney before me, and I must e’en say good 
 bye.” “Now I am going to God,” said that 
 heroic spirit, as he trod the scaffold; and, 
 gently touching the axe, added, “ This is a 
 sharp medicine, but it will cure all diseases.” 
 The very headsman shrank from beheading 
 one so illustrious and brave, until the un- 
 quailing soldier addressed him, “ What does 
 thou fear? Strike, man ! ” In another mo- 
 ment the mighty soul had fled from its man- 
 gled tenement. Cayley, after describing Sir 
 Walter’s execution, adds : “ The head, after 
 being shown on either side of the scaffold, 
 was put into a leather bag, over which Sir 
 Walter’s gown was thrown, and the whole 
 conveyed away in a mourning coach by 
 Lady Raleigh. It was preserved by her in a 
 case during the twenty-nine years which she 
 survived her husband, and afterwards with 
 no less piety by their affectionate son Carew, 
 with whom it is supposed to have been 
 buried at West Horsley, in Surrey. The body 
 was interred in the chancel near the altar of 
 St. Margaret’s, Westminter.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 80 
 
 BLACK LETTER. 
 
 An old friend of Charles Lamb having 
 been in vain trying to make out a black- 
 letter textof Chaucer in the Temple Library, 
 laid down the precious volume, and with an 
 erudite look told Lamb that “ in those old 
 books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of 
 very indifferent spelling and the anti- 
 biblicmaniac seemed to console himself in 
 the conclusion. 
 
 DEGREES OF BEAUTY. 
 
 On a certain occasion, a friend was con ■ 
 versing with Talleyrand on the subject of 
 Mademoiselle Duchesnois, the French actress, 
 and another lady, neither of them remarkable 
 for beauty ; and the first happening to have 
 peculiar^ bad teeth, the latter none at all. 
 “ If Madame S.,” said Talleyrand, “ only had 
 teeth, she would be as ugly as Mademoiselle 
 Duchesnois.” 
 
 TOAST OF A SCOTCH PEER. 
 
 Lord K , dining at Provost S ’s. 
 
 and being the only Peer present, one of the 
 company gave a toast, “The Duke of Buc- 
 cleucb.” So the Peerage went round till it 
 
 came to Lord K , who said he would give 
 
 them a Peer, which, although not toasted, 
 was of more use than the whole. His Lord- 
 ship gave “ the Pier of Leith.” 
 
 INQUISITIVENESS. 
 
 Talleyrand had a confidential servant, 
 excessively devoted to his interests, but 
 withal superlatively inquisitive. Having one 
 day entrusted him with a letter, the Prince 
 watched his faithful valet from the window 
 of his apartment, and, with some surprise, 
 observed him coolly reading the letter en 
 route. On the next day a similar commission 
 was confided to the servant; and to the 
 second letter was added a postscript couched 
 in the following terms: — “You may send a 
 verbal answer by the bearer ; he is perfectly 
 acquainted with the whole affair, having 
 taken the precaution to read this previous to 
 its delivery.” Such a postscript must have 
 been more effective than the severest re- 
 proaches. 
 
 SAILOR AND BULL. 
 
 As a party of seamen were walking up 
 Point-street, Portsmouth, rather elated with 
 liquor, a bull, which had escaped from the 
 King’s slaughter-house, came running to- 
 wards the jolly tars, with his tail erect in 
 the air, when all the men jumped out of his 
 way, except one, and he, being an immense, 
 sturdy fellow, stood in the street directly in 
 the way of the bull, and hailed him in the 
 following words : “Bull ahoy! bull ahoy! I 
 cry. Drop your peak, and put your helm 
 a-starboard, or you’ll run aboard of me.” 
 The bull continuing his course, came in con- 
 tact with Jack, and capsized him ; but the 
 sailor, nowise intimidated, sprang from the 
 ground, and, shaking his clothes, very good- 
 naturedly observed to the bull, “ Oh, you 
 lubberly beast, I told you how it would be.” 
 
 GOOSEBERRIES. — (HOOD.) 
 
 Extract from a letter from a market -gar- 
 dener to the Secretary of the Horticultural 
 Society : — “ My Wif had a Tomb Cat that 
 dyd. Being a torture Shell, and a Grate 
 faverit, he had Him berrid in the Guardian, 
 and for the sake of inrichment of the Mould, 
 I had the carkis deposeted under the 
 roots of a Gosberry Bush. The Frute being 
 up till then of a smoothe kind. But the 
 nex Seson’s Frute after the Cat was berrid, 
 the Gosberris was all hairy — and more Re- 
 markable, the Capilers of the same bush was 
 All of the same hairy descrip ‘.ion. 
 
 “ I am, Sir, you humble servant, 
 
 “Thomas Frost.” 
 
 rouge. 
 
 A lady consulted St. Francis of Sales on 
 the lawfulness of using rouge. “Why,” 
 says he, “some pious men object to it; 
 others see no harm in it ; I will hold a mid- 
 dle course, and allow you to use it on one 
 cheek.” 
 
 SWIFT AND THE BISHOP OF KILMORE. 
 
 Josiah Hort, Bishop of Kilmore, and after- 
 wards Archbishop of Tuam, was the author 
 of “ A New Proposal for the better Regula- 
 tion and Improvement of Quadrille,” for the 
 publication of which Faulkner, the book- 
 seller, was imprisoned. His not having in- 
 demnified the publisher excited the ire of 
 Dean Swift in the following satire, published 
 anonymously some years ago, but since found 
 in M.S., and acknowledged bv Dean Swift, 
 in his own hand : — 
 
 “ An Epigram on seeing a worthy Prelate go 
 out of Church in the time of Divine Ser- 
 vice to wait on his Grace the Duke of 
 Dorset, on his comiDg to Town : — 
 
 “ Lord Pam in the church (could you think 
 it?) kneel’d down, 
 
 When told that the Duke was just come to 
 town — 
 
 His station despising, unaw’d by the place, 
 He flies from his God to attend on his Grace. 
 To the Court it was fitter to pay his devotion, 
 Since God had no hand in his Lordship’s 
 promotion.” 
 
 Wilde's “ Closing Years of Dean Swift's 
 Life," 1849. 
 
 DUMENIL AT ACRE. 
 
 During the siege of St. Jean d’ Acre, while 
 Napoleon was in the trenches, a shell fell at 
 his feet, and one of the corps of guides threw 
 himself between him and the shell, and 
 shielded the General with his body. Luckily, 
 the shell did not explode. At the moment, 
 forgetful of the danger, Napoleon started 
 up, exclaiming, “What a soldier!” This 
 brave man was afterwards General Dumenil, 
 who lost a leg at Wagram, and who was 
 Governor of Vincennes to 1814; whose la- 
 conic reply to the Russian summons to sur- 
 render was, “ Give me my leg, and I will give 
 you the place.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 81 
 
 TALLEYRAND’S WIT. 
 
 Talleyrand being asked, if a certain au- 
 thoress, whom he had long since known, but 
 who belonged rather to the last age, was not 
 “a little tiresome?” “Not at all,” said he, 
 “she was perfectly tiresome.” 
 
 A gentleman in company was one day 
 making a somewhat zealous eulogy of his 
 mother’s beauty, dwelling upon the topic at 
 uncalled-for length— he himself having cer- 
 tainly inherited no portion of that kind 
 under the marriage of his parents. “ It was 
 your father, then, apparently, who may not 
 'have been very well favoured,” was Talley- 
 rand’s remark, which at once released the 
 circle from the subject. 
 
 When Madame de Stael published her 
 celebrated novel of “ Delphine,” she was sup- 
 posed to have painted herself in the person 
 of the heroine, and M. Talleyrand in that of 
 an elderly lady, who is one of the principal 
 characters. “They tell me,” said he, the 
 first time he met her, “ that we are both of 
 us in your novel, in the disguise of women.” 
 Rulhieres, the celebrated author of the 
 work on the Polish revolution, having said, 
 “ I never did but one mischievous work in 
 my life.” “And when will it be ended?” 
 was Talleyrand’s reply. 
 
 “Is not Geneva dull?” asked a friend of 
 Talleyrand. “ Especially when they amuse 
 themselves,” was the reply. 
 
 “She is insupportable,” said Talleyrand, 
 with marked emphasis, of one well known ; 
 but, as if he had gone too far, and to take 
 something off what he had said, he added, 
 “ It is her only defect.” 
 
 “ Ah ! I feel the torments of hell,” said a 
 person, whose life had been supposed to be 
 somewhat of the loosest. “Already?” was 
 the inquiry suggested to M. Talleyrand. Cer- 
 tainly, it came naturally to him. It is, how- 
 ever, not original; the Cardinal de Retz’s 
 physician is said to have made a similar ex- 
 clamation on a like occasion. 
 
 Nor ought we to pass over the only mot 
 that will ever be recorded of Charles X., 
 uttered on his return to France in 1814, on 
 seeing, like our second Charles on a similar 
 reception, that the adversaries of his family 
 had disappeared — “ There is only one French- 
 man the more.” This was the suggestion of 
 M. Talleyrand. He afterwards proposed, in 
 like manner, to Charles’s successor, that the 
 foolish freaks of the Duchess de Berri should 
 be visited with this rescript to her and her 
 faction : “ Madame, no hope remains for you. 
 You will be tried, condemned, and pardoned.” 
 
 HOW TO STOP A RUNAWAY HORSE. 
 
 “ I was one day riding,” says Sir Francis 
 Head, “with a snaffle- bridle, on the glare ice 
 of the great Bay of Toronto, on a horse 1 
 had just purchased, without having been 
 made aware of his vice, which I afterwards 
 learned had been the cause of a serious acci- 
 dent to his late master, when he suddenly, 
 unasked, explained it to me by running 
 away. On one side of me was the open 
 
 water of the lake, into which if I had ridden, 
 I should almost instantly have been covered 
 with a coating of ice as white as that on a 
 candle that has just received it3 first dip ; 
 while on every other side I was surrounded 
 by jagged rocks of ice, through the narrow 
 passes of which I was going much too fast 
 to be able to investigate them. My only 
 course, therefore, was to force my horse 
 round and round within the circumference 
 of the little trouble that environed me, and 
 this I managed to do, every time diminis hin g 
 the circle, until before I was what Sydney 
 Smith termed 4 squirrel-minded,’ the animal 
 became sufficiently tired to stop.” 
 
 mr. tierney’s humour. 
 
 Mr. Tierney, one evening, in the House of 
 Commons, spoke of Mr. Pitt's motion as 
 “ smelling of a contract and even called 
 him “ the right hon. shipwright” — in allu- 
 sion to his proposal to build men-of-war in 
 the merchants’ yards. On one occasion he 
 fell by a less illustrious hand, but yet the 
 hand of a wit. When alluding to the diffi- 
 culty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing 
 over to join each other in attacking the Ad- 
 dington Ministry, Mr. Tierney (forgetting at 
 the moment how easily he had himself over- 
 comealike difficulty in joining that Ministry) 
 alluded to the puzzle of the Fox and the 
 Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. 
 Whereupon, Mr. Dudley North said, “It’s 
 himself he means — who left the Fox to go 
 over to the Goose, and put the bag of oats in 
 his pocket.” 
 
 WINE AND WATER. 
 
 A water-drinking ’squire would fain have 
 ersuaded some of his brother ’squires to adopt 
 is specific, as the only certain preventive of 
 gout ; but in this he met with poor success. 
 He reduced one of them by degrees to half 
 a pint of sherry, and he began to flatter him- 
 self the victory was gained. But, approach- 
 ing him one morning with a very hypochon- 
 driac countenance, his refractory patient thus 
 addressed him : “ I really think, my good 
 friend, I am too far gone for all this.” And 
 so he was ; for that very evening he returned 
 to his bottle, the next to two bottles, and in 
 a very years to the dust from whence he 
 sprang. 
 
 RATS STEALING EGGS. 
 
 The captain of a merchantman, trading 
 to the port of Boston, in Lincolnshire, had 
 constantly missed eggs from his sea-stock; 
 he suspected that he was robbed by his 
 crew; but, not being able to discover the 
 thief, he was determined to watch his store- 
 room : accordingly (having laid in a fresh 
 stock of eggs), he secreted himself at night 
 in a situation that commanded a Anew of his 
 eggs. To his great astonishment, he saw a 
 number of rats approach; they formed a 
 line from his egg- baskets to their hole, and 
 handed the eggs from one to the other in 
 their fore-paws. Almost every farmer’s wife 
 knows that eggs are removed by rats from 
 a hen-house without breaking them. 
 
 G 
 
82 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 PICKPOCKETING. 
 
 The Baron de Beranger relates, that, having 
 secured a pickpocket in the very act of irre- 
 gular abstraction, he took the liberty of in- 
 quiring whether there was anything in his 
 face that had procured him the honour of 
 being singled out for such an attempt: — 
 “ Why, sir,” said the fellow, “ your face is 
 well enough, but you had on thin shoes and 
 white stockings in dirty weather, and so I 
 made sure you were a fiat /’ 
 
 PRIDE OF ANCESTRY. 
 
 A mature spinster of an illustrious house 
 having desired her attendant to read the 
 Scriptures to her, the latter stumbled on a 
 passage in Genesis, in which the word giants 
 was rather defaced, and read, “ There were 
 Grants on the earth in those days.” “ Ah !” 
 exclaimed the lady, with rapture, “there is a 
 convincing proof "that my family yields to 
 none in antiquity I” 
 
 In the castles and palaces of the ancient 
 nobility of France, the tapestry frequently 
 presents memorials of their pride of ancestry. 
 On the tapestry of an apartment in the 
 palace of the Due de C is a representa- 
 
 tion of the Deluge, in which a man is seen 
 running after Noah, and calling out, “ My 
 
 good friend, save the archives of the C 
 
 family.” 
 
 LORD north’s DROLLERY. 
 
 A few only of Lord North’s sayings have 
 reached us, and these, as might be expected, 
 are rather things which he had chanced to 
 coat over with some sarcasm or epigram that 
 tended to preserve them ; they consequently 
 are far from giving an idea of his habitual 
 pleasantry and the gaiety of thought which 
 generally pervaded his speeches. Thus, 
 when a vehement declaimer, calling aloud for 
 his head, turned round and perceived his vic- 
 tim unconsciously indulging in a soft slum- 
 ber, and, becoming still more exasperated, 
 denounced the Minister as capable of sleep- 
 ing while he ruined his country, the latter 
 only complained how cruel it was to be denied 
 a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, 
 that of having a night’s rest before their fate. 
 When surprised in a like indulgence during 
 the performance of a very inferior artist, who, 
 however, showed equal indignation at so ill- 
 timed a recreation, he contented himself with 
 observing how hard it was that he should be 
 grudged so very natural a release from con- 
 siderable suffering; but, as if recollecting 
 himself, added, that it was somewhat un- 
 just in the gentleman to complain of him 
 for taking the remedy which he had himself 
 been considerate enough to administer. The 
 same good-huinour and drollery quitted him 
 not when in opposition. On Mr. Martin’s 
 proposal to have a starling placed near the 
 chair, and taught to repeat the cry of “ In- 
 famous coalition!” Lord North coolly sug- 
 gested, that, as long as the worthy member 
 was preserved to them, itwould be a needless 
 waste of the public money, since the starling 
 might well perform his office by deputy. 
 
 DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN I 'L VXDS OF 
 SCOTLAND. 
 
 “ How long is this loch ?” 
 
 “It will be about t wan t v mile.’* 
 
 * Twenty miles ! surely it cannot be so 
 much?' 9 
 
 “ May be, it will be twelve.” 
 
 “ It does not really seem more than four.” 
 “ Indeed, I’m thining you’re right.’' 
 
 “ Really, you seem to know nothing . bout 
 the matter.” 
 
 “ Troth, I canna say I do.” 
 
 foote’s wooden leg. 
 
 There is no Shakspeare nor Roscius upon 
 record who, like Foote, supported a theatre 
 for a series of years by his own acting, in his 
 own writings, and for ten years of the time 
 upon a wooden leg ! This prop to his per- 
 son was once seen standing by his bedside, 
 ready dressed in a handsome silk stocking, 
 with a polished shoe and a gold buckle, 
 awaiting the owner’s getting up; it had a 
 kind of tragic-comical appearance, but we 
 leave to inveterate wags the ingenuity of 
 punning upon a Foote in bed, and a leg out 
 of it. The proxy for a limb thus decorated, 
 though ludicrous, is too strong a reminder of 
 amputation to be very laughable. His un- 
 dressed supporter was the common -wooden 
 stick, which was not a little injurious to a 
 well-kept pleasure-ground. George Colman 
 once followed him, after a shower of rain, 
 upon a nicely rolled terrace, in which he 
 stumped a deep round hole at every other 
 step he took, till it appeared as if the 
 gardener had been there with his dibble, 
 preparing, against all horticultual practice, 
 to plant a long row of cabbages in a gravel 
 walk. 
 
 Curran’s law library'. 
 
 Who could ever have supposed a judge 
 capable of sneering at a ban ister’s poverty, 
 by telling him he suspected “his law library 
 was rather contracted.” Yet this was the 
 bmtal remark to Curran, by Judge Robinson, 
 the author of many stupid, slavish, and scur- 
 rilous political pamphlets, and by his de- 
 merits raised to the eminence which he thus 
 disgraced. Curran replied : “ It is very true, 
 my' Lord, that I am poor, and the circum- 
 stance has certainly somewhat curtailed my 
 library: my books are not numerous, but 
 they are select, and I hope they have been 
 perused with proper dispositions. I have 
 prepared myself for this high profession 
 rather by the study of a few good works 
 than by the composition of a great many bad 
 ones. I am not ashamed of my poverty ; 
 but I should be ashamed of my wealth, could 
 I have stooped to acquire it by servility and 
 corruption. If I rise not to rank, I shall at 
 least be honest ; and, should I ever cease to 
 be so, many an example shows me that an 
 ill-gained elevation, by making me the more 
 conspicuous, would only make me the more 
 universally and the more notoriously con- 
 temptible.’ 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 83 
 
 CLEARING EMIGRANTS. 
 
 An Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, 
 was desirous to persuade his sons to work as 
 backwoodsmen, instead of frittering away 
 their constitutions and money in luxuries 
 and pleasure; and as champagne costs in 
 America something more than a dollar a 
 bottle, whenever this old gentleman saw his 
 sons raise the bright sparkling mixture to 
 their lips, he used humorously to exclaim to 
 them, “ Ah, my boys ! there goes an acre of 
 land, trees and all.” 
 
 SLEEPY GOVERNMENT. 
 
 The Abbe Sieves is known to have pro- 
 posed for France a form of government which, 
 for its absurdity, may fairly challenge the 
 pre-eminence with any not the produce of 
 Dean Swift’s satirical humour. Napoleon 
 should, according to this strange scheme, have 
 been invested with the supreme magistracy, 
 but without any power, executive or legis- 
 lative; enriched with an enormous salary, 
 and suffered to exercise the whole patronage, 
 civil and military, of the state, while others 
 were named by the people to make the laws, 
 and conduct, in union with his executive 
 nominees, the government of the country. 
 Napoleon’s remark was, that he had no wish 
 to “ be a fattened hog, on a salary of some 
 millions, after the life which he had led and 
 in the position to which it had carried him.” 
 
 MARAT, THE FRENCH REVOLUTIONIST. 
 
 Marat, in recommending the massacre of 
 all aristocrats, scrupled not to proclaim 
 through his paper, the “ Ami de Peuple ,” 
 that 270,000 heads must fall by the guillo- 
 tine ; and he published lists of persons whom 
 he consigned to popular vengeance and de- 
 struction, by their names, descriptions, and 
 places of residence. He was remarkable for 
 the hideous features of a countenance at once 
 horrible and ridiculous, and for the figure of 
 a dwarf, not above five feet high. He was, on 
 his first appearance in the mob meetings of 
 his district, the constant butt of the com- 
 pany, and maltreated by all, even tc gross 
 personal rudeness. The mob, however, al- 
 ways took his part, because of the violence 
 of his horrid language. Thus, long before he 
 preached wholesale massacre in his journal, 
 he had denounced 800 deputies as fit for exe- 
 cution, and demanded that they should be 
 hanged on as many trees. His constant topic 
 was assassination, not only in his journal, 
 but in private society. Barbaroux describes 
 him, in his “ Memoires, ” as recommending 
 that all aristocrats should be obliged to wear 
 a badge, in order that they might be recog- 
 nised and killed. “ But,” he used to add, 
 
 “ you have only to wait at the playhouse 
 door, and mark those who come out, and to 
 observe who have servants, carriages, and 
 silk clothes; and if you kill them all, you 
 are pretty sure you have killed so many aris- 
 tocrats. Or if ten in a hundred should be 
 patriots, it don’t signify — you have killed 
 ninety aristocrats.” 
 
 A MOSQUITO STORY. 
 
 An American living near the Grand River, 
 Michigan, being in the woods, was one day 
 so annoyed by m< squitoes, that he took re- 
 fuge under an inverted potash-kettle. His 
 first emotions of joy at his happy deliverance 
 and secure asylum were hardly over, when 
 the mosquitoes, having found him, began to 
 drive their probosces through the kettle. 
 Fortunately he had a hammer in his pocket, 
 and he clinched them down as fast as they 
 came through, until at last such a host of 
 them were fastened to the poor man’s domi- 
 cile, that they rose and flew away with it, 
 leaving him shelterless I 
 
 PATRIOTISM IMPROMPTU. 
 
 Charles Carrol, the last survivor of the 
 patriarchs of the American revolution, was 
 among the foremost to sign the celebrated 
 Declaration of Independence. All who did so 
 were believed to have devoted themselves 
 and their families to the furies. As he set 
 his hand to the instrument, the whisper ran 
 round the Hall of Congress, “ There go some 
 millions of property !” And there being many 
 of the same name, he heard it said, “ No- 
 body will know what Carrol it is,” as no one 
 signed more than his name ; and one at his 
 elbow, addressing him, remarked, •* You’ll 
 get clear — there are several of the name — 
 they will never know which to take.” “ Not 
 so,” he replied, and instantly added his re- 
 sidence, “ of Carrolton.” 
 
 wilkes’s wit. 
 
 Of Wilkes’s convivial wit no doubt can re- 
 main. Gibbon, who passed an evening with 
 him in 1762, when both were militia officers, 
 says, “ I scarcely ever met with a better 
 companion ; he has inexhaustible spirits, in- 
 finite wit and humour, and a great deal of 
 knowledge.” He adds, “ A thorough profli- 
 gate in principle as in practice; his life 
 stained with every vice, and his conversation 
 full of blasphemy and indecency. These 
 morals he glories in, for shame is a weakness 
 he has long since surmounted.” This, no 
 doubt, is greatly exaggerated, and the histo- 
 rian, believing him really to confess his po- 
 litical profligacy, is perhaps in error also; 
 
 “ he told us that in this time of public dis- 
 sension he was resolved to make his fortune.” 
 Possibly this was little more than a variety 
 of his well-known saying to some one who 
 was fawning on him with extreme doctrines, 
 
 “ I hope you don’t take me for a Wilkite? ” 
 His exclamation, powerfully humorous cer- 
 tainly, on Lord Thurlow’s solemn hypocrisy 
 in the House of Lords, is well known. 
 When that consummate piece of cant was 
 performed with all the solemnity which the 
 actor’s incredible air, eyebrows, voice, could 
 lend the imprecation, “ If I forget my sove- 
 reign, may my God forget me!” Wilkes, 
 seated on the steps of the throne, eyeing him 
 askance with his inhuman squint and demo- 
 niac grin, muttered, “Forget you! He’ll 
 
84 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 KEMBLE AND LISTON. 
 
 When Liston was in the Newcastle com- 
 pany, he had a strong bias in favour of 
 tragedy, and, having been in the scholastic 
 profession, it suited his notions of the dig- 
 nity of the drama. In some case of emer- 
 gency he was sent on for David in the 
 “ Rivals.” C. Kemble, who was in Newcastle 
 for practice and improvement, saw him play 
 this one part, and advised Liston to stick to 
 the country boys, and recommended him 
 to the London managers, but the advice 
 was not listened to until five years after- 
 wards. 
 
 Liston, during his tragedizing, applied to 
 Stephen Kemble, the manager, for an in- 
 crease of salary. “Pooh ! pooh !” said 
 Stephen, “such actors as you are to be 
 found in every hedge.” The insult struck 
 deep, but Liston’s mode of revenging it was 
 peculiar. Some days afterwards, as the 
 manager was driving from Newcastle to 
 Sunderland, to his horror, he saw his perpe- 
 trator of Kings and courtiers stuck up to 
 his middle in a quickset hedge. “Good 
 heavens !” Mr. Liston,” he exclaimed, “ what 
 is the matter? What are you doing 
 there ?” 
 
 “ Looking for some of the actors you told 
 me of the other day,” replied the comedian. 
 
 THE BRITISH FLAG IN CANADA. 
 
 “What animals are those?” said a man 
 through his nose, on St. George’s Day, as he 
 pointed to the congregation of Lions with 
 fists clenched ready to box, and of Unicorns 
 quite as eager to butt, that were waving 
 over his head. “ Is it animals you’re after 
 spaking?” sharply replied a young Irishman, 
 who like the querist had been standing in 
 the crowd, waiting to see the procession of 
 Englishmen arrive : “ one of thim animals 
 I tell ye is the Irish harp ; and so get out o’ 
 
 that, ye Yankee, or I’ll bate the sowl 
 
 out o’ ye!” Now it so happened that by 
 the time the last words were ejaculated, the 
 young Irishman’s white teeth had almost 
 reached the middle-aged querist’s eye-brows ; 
 and as they were evidently advancing, and 
 as the surgical operation proposed strongly 
 resembled that of taking the kernel out of a 
 nut, or an oyster out of its shell, the repub- 
 lican naturalist deemed it prudent instantly 
 to decamp, or, as it is termed by his fellow- 
 countrymen, to “ absquantilate .” 
 
 A TELEGRAPHIC BLUNDER. 
 
 During the mania for the dethronement of 
 Kings, subsequent to the French Revolution 
 of 1848, when, for a time, almost every post 
 brought tidings of “ change perplexing 
 nations,” it was related in the papers of the 
 day that the King of Prussia had abdicated. 
 The news not being confirmed, it was 
 speedily discovered to be erroneous. An in- 
 genious provincial editor thus accounts for the 
 mistake . — the magnetic interpreter at the 
 office of the electric telegraph is a politician, 
 and considerably interested in foreign affairs. 
 
 Late events have considerably excited him, 
 and news from France has been so extraordi- 
 nary, that there is not anything which his 
 excited mind does not anticipate on the first 
 word of communication. The telegraph, 
 after due warning, the other day, said 
 “The — King — of — Prussia” (the reader 
 turned pale, and thought of the morning 
 paper that had offered the highest price for 
 early and exclusive intelligence) the dial 
 proceeded — “ The — King — of — Prussia — has 
 gone — to — Pot — ” In another minute the 
 
 communication was on its way to the news- 
 paper-office. Not long after, however, the 
 dial was again agitated, and then came 
 *■ s — dam.” Making it read thus — “ The 
 
 King of Prussia has gone to Potsdam.” 
 
 a nigger’s idea of the electric 
 
 TELEGRAPH. 
 
 At the railway depot in Lowell, not long 
 since, “ Look a hea, Jake,” said Sambo, his 
 eyes dilating, and his rows of shining teeth 
 protruding like a regiment of pearls, “Look 
 a hea, Jake; what you call dem ar?” 
 “ What ar?” rejoined Jake. “Dem ar I is 
 pint in to?” “Dem ar is postes,” said Jake, 
 “ What !” said Sambo, scratching his head ; 
 “dem are postes wid de glass?” “Yes, de 
 same identical,” returned Jake. “ Ah, but 
 you sees dem are horzontal wires.” “ Well,” 
 observed Jake, “de posts supports de wires.” 
 “Gosh! I takes you nigger,” ejaculated 
 Sambo, clapping his sides, and both setting 
 up a loud yah yah. “But what’s de wires 
 for?” said Sambo, after a pause. “De 
 wires,” replied Jake, completely staggered 
 for a moment, and at a nonplus for a reply to 
 the philosophic curiosity of brother Sambo %. 
 but, suddenly lighting up with more than 
 nigger fire, he said “ De wires is for to keep 
 de postes up!” 
 
 LUCKY ESCAPES. 
 
 In the siege of Rouen, in 1652, there is a 
 curious incident of an officer named Francois 
 Civil, who owed his life to the fidelity of his 
 servant, who, searching for his body, in order 
 to inter it, was quitting the ground in de- 
 spair, when he observed, by the light of the 
 moon, a diamond ring on a hand not covered 
 with earth; approaching nearer, he knew 
 it to be the hand of his master by the ring. 
 Great was his joy ; but greater, when, taking 
 the body to inter it, he found it warm. He 
 took it to the hospital to be examined by the 
 surgeons, who were so occupied by the num- 
 ber of the wounded, that they paid no atten- 
 tion to a dead man, as they thought him. On 
 this, the valet took on himself the sole care of 
 his master, who soon began to recover. Shortly 
 after, the city was taken, and the house in 
 which Civil lay was broken into, and he, in 
 a weak state, was thrown out of the window. 
 He fortunately fell on a heap of dung, un- 
 hurt by the fall, but was obliged to remain 
 there till he was conveyed, privately, by his 
 relations out of the city, where, with great 
 care, he recovered. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 85 
 
 THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS. 
 
 Now (said Mr. Abernethy, in a lecture 
 upon the muscles of the scalp), I will tell 
 you a perfectly ridiculous story about this, 
 with a view to impress this part of the sub- 
 ject on your minds. It happened, in the 
 early part of my time, to become quite the 
 fashion to put half a pound of grease, and 
 another half-pound of flour, on a man’s head 
 — what they called hair-dressing ; it was the 
 fashion, too, to bind this round with a piece 
 of tape or riband, and make a tail of it, and 
 it was the mode to wear those tails very 
 thick and rather short. Now, a gentleman 
 who possessed great power in the motion of 
 his/rons occipitalis, used to go to the boxes 
 of the theatre when Mrs. Siddons first ap- 
 peared ; and I don’t believe there ever will 
 be such an actress again as she was, nor do 
 I believe there ever was her equal before her. 
 However, when people were affected beyond 
 all description, and when they were all 
 drowned in tears at her performance, this 
 chap wagged his tail enormously, and all the 
 people burst out into a roar of laughter. In 
 vain did they cry ‘Turn him out!’ in vain 
 did they cry ‘Throw him over!’ When he 
 had produced this effect upon the audience, 
 then he kept his tail quiet; but again no 
 sooner was their attention engaged, than wag 
 went his tail, and again were the bursts of 
 laughter re-echoed.” 
 
 DEAR MEAL. 
 
 A sailor seating himself in a summer- 
 house, espied a couple of onions (as he 
 thought) in a remote corner. Wishing to en- 
 joy so savoury a meal, he took from his 
 homely pocket his bread, cheese, and knife, 
 and then commenced a broadside upon the 
 bulbs, which he devoured with a hearty 
 relish. The gardener entering, and finding 
 the remains of his bulbs scattered on the 
 ground, and their precious contents the con- 
 tents of the sailor, exclaimed, in the agony 
 of grief, “ Oh ! oh ! I am a ruined man and 
 undone ; you have destroyed all my hopes, 
 you have devoured my Alexander the Great 
 and my Duke of MarTborouqh — worth fifty 
 guineas each !” 
 
 READING THE NEWSPAPER IN THE OLDEN 
 TIME. 
 
 During the time that Sidney Godolphin 
 occupied the office of Lord High Treasurer 
 of England, between the year 1701 and 1710, 
 he visited more than once his seat in Corn- 
 wall. No regular conveyances then pro- 
 ceeded onwards further west than Exeter; 
 but when certain masses of letters had ac- 
 cumulated, the whole were forwarded toge- 
 ther by what was called “ the post.” The 
 Lord High Treasurer engaged a weekly mes- 
 senger from Exeter to bring his letters, 
 despatches, and a newspaper, and on the fixed 
 day of his arrival all the gentlemen assem- 
 bled at Godolphin-house from many miles 
 round, to hear the newspaper read in the 
 Great Hall. 
 
 THE SNUFF-BOX. 
 
 A snuff-box has been called “an intro- 
 duction,” and other metaphorical names ; but 
 it frequently leads to unpleasant familiarity, 
 extremely difficult to repress. Brummeli, 
 many years ago, gave an admirable rebuke, 
 at a party in Portman- square. On the re- 
 moval of the cloth, the snuff-boxes made 
 their appearance, and Brummell’s was par- 
 ticularly admired : it was handed round, and 
 a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to 
 open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife t.> 
 the lid. Poor Brummeli was on thorns ; at 
 last he could not contain himself any longer, 
 and, addressing the host, said, with his cha- 
 racteristic quaintness, “ Will you be good 
 enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box 
 is not an oyster.” 
 
 RUM AND WATER. 
 
 A certain Scotsman, who is not a member 
 of any temperance society, being asked by a 
 dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, 
 drily answered, “ To tell you the truth, Mr. 
 
 , I canna’ say I’m very fond of rum ; for 
 
 if I tak’ mair than six tum’lers, it’s very apt 
 to gi’e me a head-ache.” 
 
 THE MAID OF ROUEN. 
 
 Many years ago, there lived a maiden lady 
 at Rouen, who went every day, whether fair 
 or foul, to sit on a little bench by the garden- 
 gate, where her lover, a young officer, took 
 leave of her twenty years before, and was 
 never heard of afterwards. This remarkable 
 instance of constancy furnished the subject 
 of an entertainment that has had great suc- 
 cess, under the title of “ Nina.” The poet 
 supposes her melancholy mad, but the lady 
 in question was in her perfect senses, and, 
 upon making her daily visit, sprightly. 
 After a short ejaculation, she always con- 
 cluded with these words, “He will certainly 
 come back ; he promised me he would.” 
 
 bensley’s wig. 
 
 One evening at the Dublin Theatre, when 
 Bensley came on for his first soliloquy as 
 Richard III., a nail at the wing caught the 
 tail of his majestic wig, and, dismounting his 
 hat, suspended the former in the air. An 
 Irish gallery know how to laugh, even in 
 tragedy. Bensley caught his hat as it fell 
 by a feather, and replacing it on his head, 
 “ shorn of its beams,” advanced to the front, 
 and commenced his soliloquy amidst a volley 
 of importunities to resume his wig. _ “Mr. 
 Bensley, my darling, put on your jasey ! 
 Bad luck to your politics — will you suffer a 
 wig (Whig) to be hung ?” &c. The trage- 
 dian, however, considering that such an act 
 would have compromised, in some measure, 
 his dukely dignity, continued his meditations 
 in despite of their advice, and stalked off at 
 tbe conclusion as he had stalked on. An un- 
 derling then made his appearance, and re- 
 leased his captured hair, with which he exited 
 in pursuit of Richard, to as loud a demonstra- 
 tion of approval as Richard himself. 
 
86 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CHARITY AND INCONVENIENCE. 
 
 It is objected, and we admit often with 
 truth, that the wealthy are ready to bestow 
 their money, but not to endure personal in- 
 convenience. The following anecdote is told 
 
 in illustration : — The late Duke of D 
 
 was walking in St. James’s-street, in a hard 
 frost, when he met an agent, who began to 
 importune his Grace in behalf of some cha- 
 rity which had enjoyed his support. “ Put 
 me down for what you please,” peevishly ex- 
 claimed the Duke ; “ but, for God’s sake, 
 don’t keep me in the cold.” 
 
 A COOL HAND. 
 
 An old deaf beggar, whom Collins the 
 painter was once engaged in sketching; at 
 Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. 
 Finding, from certain indications that the 
 body and garments of this English Edie 
 Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture- ground to 
 a herd of many animals of minute size but 
 of magnificent propagating and feeding 
 powers, he hinted his fears — in a loud bawl 
 — to the old man, that he might leave some 
 of his small pensioners, or body-guard, be- 
 hind him. “No fear, sir; no fear!” replied 
 this deaf and venerable vagrant, contem- 
 plating the artist with serious serenity — “ I 
 don’t think they are any of them likely to 
 leave me for you — Life of Collins. 
 
 GEORGE MORI AND AT ISLINGTON. 
 
 On the west side of Frog-lane, Islington, 
 is the Barley Mow public-house, deserving 
 of notice from having been the temporary 
 residence of the celebrated painter of rustic 
 scenery and low life, George Morland, who, 
 having casually called at the house, about 
 the year 1800, remained in it for several 
 months. While here, he frequently applied 
 to a farm-yard opposite for portions of old 
 cart -harness, which were copied info his 
 sketch-book ; and he would send after any 
 rustic character that chanced to pass the 
 house, in order to obtain a sitting, for which 
 the party was remunerated with a piece of 
 money and some beer. The landlord (Tate), 
 who had himself been an artist in the early 
 part of his life, bore testimony to the masterly 
 manner in which Morland sketched some of 
 his subjects, and the facility of execution 
 with which he finished others : his palette- 
 knife, his knuckles, and his finger ends were 
 not unfrequently made subservient to his 
 great skill in rapidly producing the most 
 happy effects. Daring the time he lived 
 here, which was for the most part devoted to 
 the bottle and the company of his low asso- 
 ciates, he painted a few of his best pictures ; 
 some of which came into the hands of his 
 attorney, to whom he was continually in- 
 debted, for extricating him from the difficul- 
 ties into which his indiscretions led him; 
 while others fell to the lot of mercenary indi- 
 viduals, who were ever calling upon and 
 teasing him for some specimens of his art, 
 which he would often dispose of for a very 
 trifling consideration. 
 
 MARVEL. 
 
 In Long Orton churchyard, Huntingdon, 
 is a monument, which, according to a tra- 
 dition of the inhabitants, recorded by Bishop 
 Rennet, was intended to commemorate “a 
 Lord Longueville, who, in fighting with the 
 Danes near this place, received a wound in 
 his belly so that his entrails fell out ; but 
 wrapping them round the wrist of his left 
 arm, he continued the combat with his right 
 hand till he had killed the Danish king, and 
 soon after fell himself.” 
 
 LAMB AND ERSKINE. 
 
 Counsellor Lamb, an old rnan when Lord 
 Erskine was in the height of his reputation, 
 was of timid manners and nervous disposi- 
 tion, usually prefacing his pleadings with an 
 apology to that effect ; and on one occasion, 
 when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he 
 happened to remark that “he felt himself 
 growing more and more timid as he grew 
 older.” “ No wonder,” replied the witty, 
 but relentless barrister ; “ every one knows 
 the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he 
 becomes.” 
 
 HOAXING AN AUDIENCE. 
 
 Cooke was announced one evening to play 
 the Stranger at the Dublin Theatre. When 
 he made his appearance, evident marks of 
 agitation were visible in his countenance and 
 gestures ; this, by the generality of the au- 
 dience, was called fine acting ; but those who 
 were acquainted with his failing, classed it 
 very properly under the head of intoxication. 
 When the applause had ceased, with diffi- 
 culty he pronounced “ Yonder hut — yonder 
 hut,” pointing to the cottage ; then beating 
 his breast, and striking his forehead, he 
 paced the stage in much apparent agitation 
 of mind. Still this was taken as tbe chef 
 d'ceuvre of fine acting, and was followed by 
 loud plaudits, and “Bravo! bravo I” At 
 length, having cast many a menacing look 
 at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in 
 vain, gave him the word, he came forward, 
 and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed 
 the audience : — “ You are a mercantile people 
 — you know the value of money — a thousand 
 pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost 
 for ever. My son, too— pardon the feelings 
 of a parent — my only son — as brave a youth 
 as ever fought his country’s battles, is slain 
 — not many hours ago I received the intelli- 
 gence ; but, thank God, he died in the de- 
 fence of his King !” Here his feelings be- 
 came so powerful that they choked his ut- 
 terance, and, with his handkerchief to his 
 eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the 
 applause of those who, not knowing the man, 
 pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke 
 never possessed £1000 in his life, nor had he 
 ever the honour of being a father ; but too 
 much intoxicated to recollect his part, he in- 
 vented this story, as the only way by which 
 he could decently retire ; and the sequel of 
 the business was, that he was sent home in a. 
 chair, whilst another actor played the part. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 87 
 
 TOPHAM, THE STRONG MAN OF ISLINGTON. 
 
 In Upper-street, Islington, was formerly a 
 public-house with the sign of the Duke’s 
 Head, at the south-east corner of Gadd’s-row 
 (now St. Alban’s-place), which was remark- 
 able, towards the middle of the last century, 
 on account of its landlord, Thomas Topbam, 
 “the strong man of Islington.” He was 
 brought up to the trade of a carpenter, but 
 abandoned it soon after the term of his 
 apprenticeship had expired; and about the 
 age of twenty-four, became the host of the 
 Red Lion, near the old Hospital of St. Luke, in 
 which house he failed. When he had at- 
 tained his full growth, his stature was about 
 five feet ten inches, and he soon began to 
 give proof of his superior strength and mus- 
 cular power. The first public exhibition of 
 his extraordinary strength was that of pull- 
 ing against a horse, lying upon his back, and 
 placing his feet against the dwarf wall that 
 divided Upper and Lower Moorfields. He 
 afterwards pulled against two horses, but, his 
 legs being placed horizontally instead of 
 rising parallel to the traces of the horses, he 
 was jerked from his position ; it was, never- 
 theless, the opinion of Dr. Desaguliers, the 
 eminent mechanic and experimental philo- 
 sopher, that, had Topham been in a proper posi- 
 tion, he might have kept his situation against 
 the pulling of four horses, without in- 
 convenience. The following are among the 
 feats which Dr. Desaguliers says he himself 
 saw Topham perform By the strength of 
 his fingers, he rolled up a very strong and 
 large pewter dish. Among the curiosities of 
 the British Museum, some years ago, was a 
 pewter dish, marked near the edge, “ April 
 3, 1737, Thomas Topham, of London, car- 
 penter, rolled up this dish (made of the hard- 
 est pewter), by the strength of his hands, in 
 the presence of Dr. John Desaguliers, &c.” 
 He broke seven or eight pieces of a tobacco- 
 pipe by the force of his middle finger, having 
 laid them on his first and third fingers. 
 Having thrust the bowl of a strong tobacco- 
 pipe under his garter, his legs being bent, he 
 broke it to pieces by the tendons of his hams, 
 without altering the position of his legs. 
 Another bowl of this kind he broke between 
 his first and second finger, by pressing them 
 together sideways. He took an iron kitchen 
 poker, about a yard long, and three inches 
 round, and bent it nearly to a right angle, 
 by striking upon his bare left arm, between 
 the elbow and the wrist. Holding the ends 
 of a poker of like size in his hands, and 
 the middle of it against the back of his 
 neck, he brought both extremities of it 
 together before him; and, what was yet 
 more difficult, pulled it almost straight again. 
 He broke a rope of two inches in circum- 
 ference ; though, from his awkward manner, 
 he was obliged to exert four times more 
 strength than was necessary. He lifted a 
 rolling stone of eight hundred pounds’ 
 weight with his hands only, standing in a 
 frame above it, and taking bold of a chain 
 fastened thereto. 
 
 It is probable that Topham kept the 
 Duke’s Head at the time he exhibited the 
 exploit of lifting three hogsheads of water, 
 weighing one thousand eight hundred and 
 thirty-one pounds, in Coldbath- fields, May 
 28, 1741, in commemoration of the tatting of 
 Porto Bello by Admiral Yernon ; and which 
 he performed in the presence of the Admiral 
 and thousands of spectators. After Topham 
 had left Islington, and taken another public- 
 house, situated in Hog-lane, Shoreditch, the 
 infidelity of his wife had such an effect upon 
 him, that, in a fit of frenzy, after beating her 
 most unmercifully, and stabbing her in the 
 breast, he inflicted several wounds upon him- 
 self ; and, having lingered several days, died 
 in the flower of his age, August 10, 1749. 
 
 AMERICAN SHERIFF. 
 
 In America, a sheriff is often obliged to 
 be his own thieftaker and executioner. A 
 sheriff related to Captain Alexander the pur- 
 suits he had made after horse- stealers ; their 
 desperate resistance with their knives before 
 they would allow themselves to be taken; 
 the satisfaction he had in flogging with a 
 cowskin a fellow who weighed two hundred, 
 who had long eluded him, and who had often 
 “ broken away from him, like a quarter- 
 horse ;” how he administered the thirty-nine 
 scientifically, sinking the instrument into the 
 skin, and jerking it towards him till the cul- 
 prit roared like a buffalo, with pain ; how he 
 handled negroes, strapped them over a log, 
 and punished them with a board full of gim- 
 let-holes, so that every stroke raised blisters 
 which it took a month to heal ! 
 
 QUID PRO QUO. 
 
 Between James Smith and Collins the 
 painter a good-humoured reciprocation of 
 jests of all sorts was the unfailing accompa- 
 niment of most of their meetings. The latter, 
 however, in some instances, gained the ad- 
 vantage of his friend, by calling in the re- 
 sources of his art to the aid of his fancy ; as 
 an example of which may be quoted his 
 painting on the boarded floor of his study, 
 while Smith was waiting in the next room, 
 a new pen, lying exactly in the way of any 
 one entering the apartment. As soon as the 
 sketch was finished, the author was shown 
 in, and stopping short at the counterfeit re- 
 semblance, with an exclamation at his 
 friend’s careless extravagance, endeavoured 
 to pick it up. A few days afterwards, with 
 the recollection of this deception strong in 
 his memory, Smith called again on the 
 painter, and found him working on a picture 
 with unusual languor and want of progress. 
 Anxious to take the first opportunity to re- 
 turn the jest of which he had been the vic- 
 tim, Smith inquired, in tones of great interest, 
 how his friend was getting on? The other 
 replied that he was suffering under so severe 
 a headache as to be almost incapable of work- 
 ing at all. “Ah,” said Smith,” 1 see why 
 you have not got on ; you are using a new 
 material to-day — paintiDg in distemper .” 
 
88 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 DEATH OF SIR JOHN MOORE, AT CORUNNA, 
 
 IN 1809. 
 
 The following account of the last moments 
 of Moore, at Corunna, is related by his bro- 
 ther, J ames Carrick Moore : — 
 
 “Captain (now Viscount) Hardinge en- 
 deavoured to unbuckle the belt to take it off ; 
 when he said with soldierly feeling, ‘ It is 
 as well as it is ; I had rather it should go 
 out of the field with me.’ 
 
 “ His serenity was so striking, that Har- 
 dinge began to hope the wound was not 
 mortal : he expressed this opinion, and said, 
 that he trusted the surgeons would confirm 
 it, and that he would still be spared to them. 
 
 “ Sir John turned his head, and cast his 
 eyes steadily on the wounded part, and then 
 replied, ‘No, Hardinge, I feel that to be im- 
 possible. You need not go with me ; report 
 to General Hope that I am wounded and 
 carried to the rear.’ He was then raised 
 from the ground by a Highland sergeant and 
 three soldiers, and slowly conveyed towards 
 Corunna. 
 
 “The soldiers had not carried Sir John 
 Moore far, when two surgeons came running 
 to his aid. They had been employed in 
 dressing the shattered arm of Sir David 
 Baird; who, hearing of the disaster which 
 had occurred to the commander, generously 
 ordered them to desist, and hasten to give 
 him help. But Moore, who was bleeding 
 fast, said to them, ‘ You can be of no service 
 to me : go to the wounded soldiers, to whom 
 you may be useful;’ and he ordered the 
 bearers to move on. But, as they proceeded, 
 he repeatedly made them turn round to view 
 the battle, and to listen to the firing; the 
 sound of which, becoming gradually fainter, 
 indicated that the French were retreating. 
 
 “ Before he reached Corunna it was almost 
 dark, and Colonel Anderson met him ; who, 
 seeing his general borne from the field of 
 battle for the third and last time, and steeped 
 in blood, became speechless with anguish. 
 Moore pressed his hand, and said in a low 
 tone, ‘ Anderson, don’t leave me.’ As he 
 was carried into the house, his faithful ser- 
 vant Francois came out, and stood aghast 
 with horror ; but his master, to console him, 
 said, smiling, ‘ My friend, this is nothing.’ 
 
 “ He was then placed on a mattress on the 
 floor, and supported by Anderson, who had 
 saved his life at St. Lucia: and some of the 
 gentlemen of his staff came into the room by 
 turns. He asked each, as they entered, if 
 the French were beaten, and was answered 
 affirmatively. They stood around ; the pain 
 of his wound became excessive, and deadly 
 paleness overspread his fine features; yet, 
 with unsubdued fortitude, he said at inter- 
 vals, ‘Anderson, you know that I have al- 
 ways wished to die this way. I hope the 
 people of England will be satisfied ! I hope 
 my country will do me justice ! ’ 
 
 “ ‘ Anderson, you will see my friends as 
 
 soon as you can." Tell them everything. 
 
 Say to my mother .’ Here his voice 
 
 faltered, he" became excessively agitated, and 
 
 not being able to proceed, changed the sub- 
 ject. 
 
 “ ‘ Hope !* Hope ! I have much to say to 
 him; but cannot get it out. Are Colonel 
 Grahamf and all my aides-de camp safe?’ 
 (At this question, Anderson, who knew the 
 warm regard of the General towards the 
 officers of his staff, made a private sign not 
 to mention that Captain Burrardf was 
 mortally wounded.) He then continued : 
 
 “ ‘ I have made my will, and have remem- 
 bered my servants. Colborne§ has my will 
 and all my papers.’ As he spoke these 
 words, Major Colbome, his military" secre- 
 tary, entered the room. He addressed him 
 with his wonted kindness ; then, turning to 
 Anderson, said, ‘ Remember you go to 
 Willoughby Gordon||, and tell him it is my 
 request, and that 1 expect he will give a 
 Lieutenant-Colonelcy to Major Colbome; he 
 has been long with me, and I know him to 
 be most worthy of it.’ 
 
 “He then asked the Major, who had come 
 last from the field, ‘ Have the French been 
 beaten ? ’ He assured him they had on every 
 point. ‘It’s a great satisfaction,’ he said, 
 ‘for me to know that we have beaten the 
 French. Is Paget^[ in the room ? ’ On being 
 told he was not, he resumed, * Remember me 
 to him ; he is a fine fellow.’ 
 
 “ Though visibly sinking, he then said, ‘ I 
 feel myself so strong, I fear I shall be long 
 dying. It’s great uneasiness ; it’s great pain. 
 Every thing Francois says is right. I 
 have great confidence in him.’ He thanked 
 the surgeons for their attendance. Then, 
 seeing Captain Percy and Stanhope, two 
 of his aides-de-camp, enter, he spoke to 
 them kindly% and repeated to them the 
 question, ‘If all his aides-de-camp were 
 safe;’ and was pleased on being told they" 
 were. 
 
 “ After a pause, Stanhope caught his eye, 
 and he said to him, ‘ Stanhope, remember 
 me to your sister.’ ** He then became silent. 
 Death, undreaded, approached ; and the 
 spirit departed, leaving the bleeding body an 
 oblation offered up to his country-.” 
 
 RATTLESNAKE. 
 
 A man and his wife were passing through 
 a forest in North America; the woman, in 
 stepping over a log, was bitten in the foot by 
 a rattlesnake. They- were many miles from 
 any assistance, but the husband killed the 
 snake, cut it open, tied its entrails round his 
 wife’s foot, and she walked home and suffered 
 little from the wound. 
 
 * Sir John Hope, who succeeded to the com- 
 mand ; afterwards the Earl of Hopetown 
 t Of Balgowan ; afterwards Lord Lynedoch. 
 j Son of Sir Harry Burrard. 
 
 § Afterwards Sir John Colbome. 
 
 || Sir Willoughby Gordon, Secretary to the Duke 
 of York. 
 
 f The Honourable Brigadier Paget, who com- 
 manded the reserve ; afterwards Sir Edward Paget. 
 
 ** The Lady Hester Stanhope, niece to William 
 Pitt. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 89 
 
 LAWFUL EJECTMENT. 
 
 Two brothers of the name of Lawes cre- 
 ating a disturbance at the Dublin Theatre, 
 were called to order by the celebrated Felix 
 McCarthy, who was in the same box. One 
 of them, presenting his card, said, “ You shall 
 hear from one of us ; our name is Leaves .” — 
 “ Lawes, is it ? ” quoth Felix ; “ then I’ll give 
 you an addition to your name ; ” and, exert- 
 ing his well-known strength, handed them 
 out of the box, exclaiming, “Now, by tlie 
 powers, you’re both out-laws .” 
 
 wilkie’s pictures. 
 
 Mr. Collins, R.A., relates the following: — 
 “When Lord Mulgrave’s pictures were sold 
 at Christie’s, Wilkie waited in the neigh- 
 bourhood, whilst I attended the sale. It 
 was quite refreshing to see his joy when I 
 returned with a list of the prices. The 
 sketches produced more than five hundred 
 per cent. — the pictures three hundred. I re- 
 collect one — a small, early picture, called 
 ‘ Sunday Morning’ — I asked Wilkie what he 
 thought of its fetching, as it did, a hundred 
 and ten pounds, and whether Lord Mulgrave 
 had not got it cheap enough ? ‘ Why, he 
 
 gave me fifteen pounds for it ! ’ When I ex- 
 pressed my surprise that he should have 
 given so small a sum for so clever a work, 
 Wilkie, defending him, said, ‘Ah, but con- 
 sider, as I was not known at that time, it was 
 a great risk ! ’ ” 
 
 GEORGE IV. AND HIS ARCHITECT. 
 
 The constant anxiety of George IY. to 
 profit, on matters connected with literature 
 and the arts, by the advice and opinions of 
 professors of each science, was an interesting 
 and remarkable trait in his character. On 
 some occasions his patience was put to the 
 test, in this manner of acquiring knowledge ; 
 and on none more frequently than when con- 
 sulting on matters of art with his architect, 
 Sir Jeffrey Wyatville, whose odd bluntness 
 and hastiness contrasted amusingly with the 
 polish and temper of his Royal master. At 
 the time when alterations were being made 
 in the Tower at Windsor, the King gave 
 some directions not at all in harmony with 
 Sir Jeffrey’s taste ; accordingly, he put the 
 King’s plan on paper, but coolly followed his 
 own in reducing it to execution. When the 
 work was completed his Majesty saw it, and 
 immediately expressed hi3 pleasure at seeing 
 that his directions had been so well followed. 
 Most men would have let the matter rest 
 here ; but Sir Jeffrey was determined not to 
 hide his light under a bushel, and taking up 
 the Royal plan that he had rejected, observed 
 triumphantly as he showed it to the King — 
 “ If I had done as your Majesty desired, this 
 would have been the effect ! ” The King 
 smiled at his architect’s determination to 
 keep his own opinions and to gain all the 
 credit for them ; and quietly replied, as he 
 laid down his despised plan, “Well, Wyat- 
 ville, I suppose I must acknowledge that you 
 know best ! ” 
 
 BOSWELL’S “LIFE OF JOHNSON.” 
 
 Sir John Malcolm once asked Warren 
 Hastings, who was a contemporary and a 
 companion of Dr. Johnson and Boswell, 
 what was his real estimation of Boswell’s 
 “ Life of Johnson ? ” “ Sir,” replied Hastings, 
 “ it is the dirtiest book in my library.” Then 
 proceeding, he added, “ I knew Boswell in- 
 timately; and I well remember, when his 
 book first made its appearance, Boswell was 
 so full of it that he could neither think nor 
 talk of anything else : so much so, that meet- 
 ing Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parlia- 
 ment-street to get to the House of Lords, 
 where an important debate was expected, 
 for which he was already too late, Boswell 
 had the temerity to stop and accost him 
 with ‘ Have you read my book ? ’ ‘ Yes, 
 
 d — m you ! ’ replied Lord Thurlow, ‘ every 
 word of it ; I couLd not help myself. ’ ” 
 
 morland’s secret. 
 
 During Morland’s abode in the rules of the 
 King’s Bench, he was in the habit of meet- 
 ing at the tavern, where he spent his 
 evenings, a very discreet, reputable man, 
 turned of fifty at least. This personage had 
 frequently assumed the office of censor- 
 general to the company, and his manners, 
 added to a very correct demeanour, induced 
 them to submit with a tolerably obedient 
 grace. George used now and then, however, 
 to ‘kick,’ as he said, and then the old gen- 
 tleman was always too hard-mouthed for him. 
 This inequality at length produced an open 
 rupture between the two, and one night our 
 painter, finding the voice of the company 
 rather against him, rose up in a seemingly 
 dreadful passion, and appearing as if nearly 
 choked with rage, muttered out at last, that 
 he knew what would hang the old rascal, 
 notwithstanding all his cant about morality. 
 This assertion, uttered with so much vehe- 
 mence, very much surprised the company, 
 and seriously alarmed the old man, who 
 called upon George sternly to know what he 
 dared to say against him. The painter an- 
 swered with a repetition of the offensive 
 words: ‘I know what would hang him.’ After 
 a very violent altercation, some of the com- 
 pany now taking part with Morland, it was 
 agreed upon all hands, and at the particular 
 request of the old gentleman, that the painter 
 should declare the worst. With great appa- 
 rent reluctance, George at length got up, and 
 addressing the company said: ‘I have de- 
 clared twice that I knew what would hang 
 
 Mr. ; and now, gentlemen, since I am 
 
 called upon before you all, I’ll expose it.’ 
 He then very deliberately drew from his 
 pocket a piece of lay-cord, and handing it 
 
 across the table, desired Mr. to try 
 
 the experiment ; and if it failed, that 
 would prove him a liar before the whole com- 
 pany, if he dared but to try. The manual 
 and verbal joke was more than the old man 
 was prepared for, and the whole company 
 for the first time (perhaps not very fairly) 
 laughed at his expense. 
 
90 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 TBISTLEWOOD, THE TRAITOR. 
 
 When Thistlewood was on the scaffold, his 
 demeanour was that of a man who was re- 
 solved boldly to meet the fate he had de- 
 served; in the few words which were ex- 
 changed between him and hi3 fellow crimi- 
 nals, he observed, that the grand question 
 whether or not the soul was immortal would 
 soon be solved for them. No expression of 
 hope escaped him, no breathing of repent- 
 ance; no spark of grace appeared. Yet (it 
 is a fact which, whether it be more consola- 
 tory or awful, ouyht to be known) on the 
 night after the sentence, and preceding his 
 execution, while he supposed that the person 
 who was appointed to watch him in his cell 
 was asleep, this miserable man was seen by 
 that person repeatedly to rise upon his knees, 
 and heard continually calling upon Christ his 
 Saviour to have mercy upon him, and to for- 
 give him his sins ! All men and women are 
 verily as Shakspeare has said of them, merely 
 players, when we see them upon the stage of 
 the world ; that is, when they are seen any- 
 where except in the freedom and undressed 
 intimacy of private life. 
 
 BOYHOOD OF EDMUND KEAN. 
 
 (By a writer in the New Monthly Magazine.') 
 
 “ I saw young Edmund Carey (Kean) first 
 in April, 1796. I am particularly positive 
 both to month and year, because 1 met Mrs. 
 Carey and the boys t Darnley was the Other 
 reputed son by another father; this actor 
 was for many years at Astley’s Amphi- 
 theatre, and i3 now living) on the morning 
 of the day on which Ireland's pretended 
 Shakspeanan drama was performed. Ed- 
 mund was always little, slight, but not 
 young-looking; I should say he was then 
 ten years o f age ! The following September 
 he played Tom Thumb at Bartholomew Fair 
 at a public-house ; his mother played Queen 
 Dollalolla ; he had a good voice, and was a 
 pretty boy, but unquestionably more like a 
 Jew than a Christian child. Old Richardson, 
 the showman, engaged him then and subse- 
 quently, and is living to vouch for the fact, 
 as far as eyesight goes, that in 1796 Kean 
 looked more like a child of ten or twelve than 
 of six years. This of course puts an end to 
 the possibility of his having been born in the 
 year 1790. I cannot vouch as to the truth 
 of the oft-repeated story of the dance of devils 
 in ‘ Macbeth,’ and his rejoinder to John 
 Kemble, who found fault with him, that ‘ he 
 (Kean) had never appeared in tragedy be- 
 fore ; ’ but if it did occur, it must have been 
 in 1794; for Garrick’s Drury was pulled 
 down to be rebuilt in 1791, and the new the- 
 atre commenced dramatic performances with 
 ‘ Macbeth.’ Many novelties of arrangement 
 were attempted, the dance in question among 
 the rest. Charles Kemble made his first ap- 
 pearance as Malcolm that very night, and 
 the audience laughed very heartily when he 
 exclaimed ‘ Oh ! by whom ? ’ on hearing 
 the account of bis father’s murder. Charles 
 Kemble was then said to be eighteen, I think 
 
 he was more. If Kean was one of the dancing 
 devils, he could have been only three years 
 and five months old ; that is, taking his own 
 account of being born in November, 1790. 
 
 “Kean broke his leg when a boy, riding 
 an act of horsemanship at Bartholomew 
 Fair; and he was often, towards the years 
 1802, 3, 4, and 5, about different parts of the 
 country, spouting, riding, or rope-dancing. 
 The last time I saw him, previous to his 
 ‘ great hit,’ was at Sadler’s Wells ; he was in 
 front to see Bflzoni (afterwards known as 
 the great traveller), who gave a pantomimic 
 performance (such as Ducrow since at- 
 tempted) illustrative of the passions of Le- 
 brun; Belzoni was superior to anything I 
 ever beheld, and I am not solitary in that 
 opinion. Ella, the harlequin, and Belzoni 
 were together at the old Royalty Theatre; 
 and Belzoni’s brother was also there. The 
 great and enterprising traveller was retained 
 as a posturer at £2 per week ! ” 
 
 mathematician’s hat. 
 
 Emerson the mathematician, who was 
 otherwise singular in his dress, had but one 
 hat, which he made last him the best part of 
 his lifetime, gradually lessening the flaps, 
 bit by bit, as it lost its elasticity and hung 
 down, till nothing but the crown remained. 
 
 CHATEAUBRIAND A SOLDIER. 
 
 With his knapsack on his back, and his 
 musket on his shoulder, Chateaubriand one 
 day met the King of Prussia, Frederick Wil- 
 liam, on horseback. “ Where are you 
 going? ” said the monarch. “ I am going to 
 fight,” replied young Chateaubriand. “I 
 see the French nobleman in that answer,” 
 said Frederick, and, saluting him, passed on. 
 Monsieur Chateaubriand had a similar con- 
 versation at Bruxelles with Cbampfort, a 
 man once of celebrity, but whose name is 
 now almost forgotten. “From whence do 
 you come ? ” asked Champfort. “ From 
 Niagara.” “Where are you going to? 
 
 “ To where battles are fought.” 
 
 STAGE EFFECT. 
 
 One night, at the Dublin theatre, Moss, a 
 good low comedian, but full of the furore of 
 extravagance in his acting, played the cha- 
 racter of Lovegold, in the comedy of “The 
 Miser.” To give an additional, and, as he 
 thought, a happy stroke to the part, when 
 he was frantic for the loss of his money, he 
 ran to the front of the stage, and snatched 
 the harpsichord-player’s wig off, exclaiming 
 as loud as he could — “You have got my 
 money 7 ! you have got my money! and I’ll 
 keep your wig till you return it ! ” The 
 gentlemen of Cecilia’s band instantly' put 
 their hands on their heads to secure their 
 wigs, and immediately quitted the orchestra. 
 The poor man whose bald head had been ex- 
 posed, and the sight of which got the ridicu- 
 lous player a thunder of app'ause, could get 
 no satisfaction from Moss for the insult, for 
 he called it a theatrical joke. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 91 
 
 ENCOUNTER WITH A BOA* CONSTRICTOR. 
 
 In 1842, Prince Adalbert, of Prussia, 
 accompanied by the Counts Oriolla and 
 Bismark, made the voyage of the Amazon 
 River, in the course of which the Prince and 
 his companions had the following desperate 
 encounter with a Boa -constrictor : — 
 
 « I was just loading my fowling-piece,” 
 relates the Prince, “ when I observed an ob- 
 ject on the white mud of the river, which 
 gleamed in the sun’s rays like a coil of 
 silver: it was a serpent, basking in the sun. 
 We rowed towards the spot, and Count 
 Oriolla fired at it from a distance of thirty to 
 forty paces: he missed it with the first 
 barrel, but wounded it in the tail with the 
 second, which was charged with large shot 
 No. 2. This seemed to rouse the creature : 
 our boat grounded almost at the same mo- 
 ment a little higher up than where the 
 serpent la} 7 , but some intervening bushes 
 prevented our keeping it in sight. We all 
 eagerly jumped into the river, followed by 
 most of the crew: Counts Oriolla and Bis- 
 mark were overboard in a minute; but as 
 the real depth of the water seemed to me 
 verv problematical, I leaped quickly on to a 
 withered branch of an enormous prostrate 
 tree, which served as a bridge to the shore. 
 Although I had little hope of coming up 
 with the serpent, I advanced as fast as I 
 could along the slippery trunk — a thing by 
 no means easy, on account of my large 
 India-rubber shoes, which the swollen state 
 of my feet had obliged me to wear for some 
 weeks p ast. Just then I heard the report of 
 a gun on my left, and instantly jumping 
 into the morass, warm from the sun’s heat, 
 sinking into it up to my knee at every step, 
 and leaving one of my shoes in the mud, I 
 hastened in the direction of the sound. 
 Count Oriolla, who was the first to leap out 
 of the boat, ran to the spot where he had 
 wounded the serpent, and caught sight of 
 the reptile as it was trying to escape into the 
 forest. Suddenly it glided into the mud 
 under the trunk of a prostrate tree, and at 
 that instant the Count struck it with a 
 cutlass, which, however, merely raised the 
 skin: he then threw himself at full length 
 upon the creature, as it was sliding away, 
 and thrust the steel into its back, a few feet 
 from the tail. The Count vainly tried to 
 stop the monstrous reptile, which dragged 
 him along, though the cutlass had pierced 
 its body and entered the ground beneath. It 
 was fortunate that the serpent did not bend 
 backwards, and entwine its bold pursuer in 
 its folds — nor less so that Count Bismark, 
 the only one who was armed with a gun, 
 came up at this critical moment: climbing 
 over the trunk of the tree, he faced the 
 enemy, which hissing lifted its head erect in 
 the air, and with great coolness gave it a 
 shot a bout pourtant through the head, which 
 laid it apparently lifeless on the ground. 
 
 “ My companions described the creature’s 
 strength as wonderful, writhing in immense 
 folds, and flinging its head from one side to 
 
 another in its efforts to escape the well- 
 aimed stroke of Count Oriolla; but a few 
 moments after the shot, which carried away 
 its lower jaw and a part of the head, the 
 serpent seemed to arouse from its stupefac- 
 tion, and Count Bismark hastened back to 
 the boat to fetch Mr. Theremin’s gun. All 
 this was the work of a few moments : I had 
 hardly left the boat more than two or three 
 minutes, when I stood beside Count Oriolla, 
 on the trunk of the tree, with the serpent 
 coiled up in an unshapen mass at its roots. 
 I could scarcely wait to hear what had 
 passed, but seized a heavy pole from one of 
 the men who gathered round, to have a 
 thrust at the creature’s head. Raising itself 
 up it now seemed to summon its last strength, 
 but it vainly strove to reach us on the tree. 
 I stood ready, armed with a cutlass, to 
 thrust into its jaws, while the Count stirred 
 up the serpent, provoking it to fight; the 
 creature’s strength was, however, exhausted. 
 Count Bismark now returned, and shattered 
 its skull with another shot, and it died in 
 strong convulsions. Though I could not 
 share with my valiant companions the 
 honour of the day, I was fortunate enough 
 to arrive in time for the ‘ Hallali.’ Our prey 
 proved to be a large boa-constrictor, mea- 
 suring sixteen feet two inches in length, and 
 one foot nine inches in circumference; the 
 sailors called it a ‘ Sueuriju.’ In skinning 
 and dissecting it, a dozen membranaceous 
 bags or eggs were found in its body, con- 
 taining young serpents, some still alive, and 
 from one to two feet long. The Counts 
 kindly presented me with the beautiful skin, 
 which was spotted white, yellow, and black, 
 and covered with small scales : this trophy 
 of their valour now forms the chief ornament 
 of my residence at Monbijou. As soon as 
 the task of skinning was accomplished, 
 which the thickness of the animal’s scaly 
 covering rendered very difficult, we again 
 set sail, soon after twelve o’clock, and con- 
 tinued the ascent of the Amazon, carrying 
 off the skin of the Boa in triumph, spread 
 out to dry upon the roof of our boat.” — 
 Journal of Travels, published in 1849. 
 
 kean’s impromptu. 
 
 At Birmingham, one of Kean’s “ benefits” 
 was a total failure : in the last scene of the 
 play (“A New Way to pay Old Debts”), 
 wherein allusion is made to the marriage of 
 a lady, “Take her, sir,” Kean suddenly 
 added, “ and the Birmingham audience into 
 the bargain.” 
 
 BAD COMPANY. 
 
 At the time that the bubble schemes were 
 ■flourishing, in 1825, Mr. Abernethy met some 
 friends who had risked large sums of money 
 in one of those fraudulent speculations ; they 
 informed him that they were going to par- 
 take of a most sumptuous dinner, the ex- 
 penses of which would be defrayed by the 
 company. “ If I am not very much deceived,” 
 replied he, “you will have nothing but bubble 
 and squeak in a short time.” 
 
92 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 GOOD ADVICE. 
 
 A young Irishman (placed by his friends 
 as student at a Veterinary College) being 
 in company with some of his colleagues, 
 was asked, “ If a broken-winded horse were 
 brought to him for cure, what he would 
 advise ? ” After considering for a moment, 
 “ By the powers,” said he, “ I should advise 
 the owner to sell as soon as possible.” 
 
 A FOX YARN.— (From “ Jacob Faithful.”) 
 
 “ I recollect once when I was very near 
 eaten alive by foxes, and that in a very sin- 
 gular manner. I was then mate of a Green- 
 land ship. We had been on the fishing 
 ground for three months, and had twelve fish 
 on board. Finding we were doing well, we 
 fixed our ice-anchor3 upon a very large ice- 
 berg, drifting up and down with it, and tak- 
 ing fish as we fell in with them. One morn- 
 ing, we had just cast loose the carcass of a 
 fish which we had cut up, when the man in 
 the crow’s nest, on the look-out for another 
 * fall,’ cried out that a large polar bear and 
 her cub were swimming over to the iceberg, 
 against the side of which, and about half a 
 mile from us, the carcass of the whale was 
 beating. As we had nothing to do, seven of 
 us immediately started in chase : we had in- 
 tended to have gone after the foxes, which 
 had gathered there also in hundreds, to prey 
 upon the dead whale. It was then quite 
 calm ; we soon came up with the bear, who 
 at first was for making off, but as the cub 
 could not get on over the rough ice as well 
 as the old one, she at last turned round to 
 bay. We shot the cub to make sure of her, 
 and it did make sure of the dam not leaving 
 us till either she or we perished in the con- 
 flict. I shall never forget her moaning over 
 the cub, as it lay bleeding on the ice, while 
 we fired bullet after bullet into her. At last 
 she turned round, gave a roar and a gnash- 
 ing snarl, which you might have heard a 
 mile, and, with her eyes flashing fire, darted 
 upon us. We received her in a body, all 
 close together, with our lances to her breast ; 
 but she was so large and so strong, that she 
 beat us all back, and two of us fell ; fortu- 
 nately the others held their ground, and she 
 was then an end, three bullets were put into 
 her chest, which brought her down. I never 
 saw so large a beast in my life. I don’t wish 
 to make her out larger than she really was, 
 but I have seen many a bullock in Smith- 
 field which would not weigh two-thirds of 
 her. Well, after that, we had some trouble 
 in despatching her; and while we were so 
 employed, the wind blew up in gusts from 
 the northward, and the snow fell heavy. The 
 men were for returning to the ship immedi- 
 ately, which certainly was the wisest thing 
 for us all to do ; but I thought that the snow- 
 storm would blow over in a short time, and 
 not wishing to lose so fine a skin, resolved to 
 remain and flay the beast ; for I knew, if left 
 there a few hours, as the foxes could not get 
 hold of the carcass of the whale, which had 
 not grounded, that they would soon finish 
 
 the bear and cub, and the skins be worth 
 nothing. Well, the other men went back to 
 the ship, and as it was, the snow-storm came 
 on so thick, that they lost their way, and 
 would never have found her, if it was not 
 that the bell was kept tolling for a guide to 
 them. I soon found that I had done a very 
 foolish thing : instead of the storm blowing 
 over, the snow came down thicker and 
 thicker ; and before I had taken a quarter of 
 the skin off, I was becoming cold and 
 numbed, and then I was unable to regain the 
 ship, and with every prospect of being frozen 
 to death before the storm was over. At last, 
 I knew what was my only chance. I had 
 flayed all the belly of the bear, but had not 
 cut her open. I ripped her up, tore out all her 
 inside, and contrived to get into her body, 
 where I lay, and, having closed up the en- 
 trance hole, was warm and comfortable, for 
 the animal heat had not yet been extin- 
 guished. This manoeuvre no doubt saved 
 my life ; and I have heard that the French 
 soldiers did the same in their unfortunate Rus- 
 sian campaign, killing their horses, and get- 
 ting inside to protect themselves from the 
 dreadful weather. Well, Jacob, I had not 
 lain there more than half an hour, when I 
 knew, by sundry jerks and tugs at my new- 
 invented hurricane-house, that the foxes 
 were busy — and so they were, sure enough. 
 There must have been hundreds of them, for 
 they were at work in all directions, and some 
 pushed their sharp noses into the opening 
 where I had crept in ; but I contrived to get 
 out my knife and saw their noses across 
 whenever they touched me, otherwise I 
 should have been eaten up in a very short 
 time. There were so many of them, and 
 they were so ravenous, that they soon got 
 through the bear’s thick skin, and were 
 tearing away at the flesh. Now I was not 
 so much afraid of their eating me, as I 
 thought that if I jumped up and discovered 
 myself, they would have all fled. No saying, 
 though : two or three hundred ravenous 
 devils take courage when together; but I 
 was afraid that they would devour my cover- 
 ing from the weather, and then 1 should 
 perish with the cold; and I also was afraid 
 of having pieces nipped out of me, which 
 would, of course, oblige me to quit my retreat. 
 At last daylight was made through the upper 
 part of the carcass, and I was only protected 
 by the ribs of the animal, between which 
 every now and then their noses dived and 
 nipped mv seal-skin jacket. I was just 
 thinking of shouting to frighten them away, 
 when I heard the report of half-a-dozen mus- 
 kets, and some of the bullets struck the car- 
 cass, but fortunately did not hit me. I im- 
 mediately hallooed as loud as I could, and 
 the men, hearing me, ceased firing. They 
 had fired at the foxes, little thinking that I 
 was inside of the bear. I crawled out, the 
 storm was over, and the men of the ship had 
 come back to look for me. My brother, who 
 wa3 also a mate on board of the vessel, who 
 had not been with the first party, had joined 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 them in search, but with little hopes of 
 finding me alive. He hugged ige in his 
 arms, covered as I was with blood, as soon as 
 he saw me. He’s dead now, poor fellow !— 
 That’s the story, Jacob.”— Capt. Marry at. 
 
 KITTY CLOVER. 
 
 Little Knight wrote a song called “ Kitty 
 Clover,” the melody of which Kean played 
 over one day in the presence of his (Knight’s) 
 son; it was subsequently brought out as 
 “ composed by Mr. Kean.” Knight was at- 
 tempting to flatter the tragedian by talking 
 at him of the beauty of the melody to Miss 
 Stephens, whom he persuaded to sing a serious 
 song that he had written to the air. Kean 
 then turned away from Knight, and said to 
 a friend, “ Don’t mind that fellow ; the truth 
 is, I was out all night in Glasgow, and heard 
 a soldier, who was as drunk as myself, 
 whistling an air : my ear is quick, and I 
 caught up something like the melody in 
 question ; but as no one has claimed it, I sup- 
 pose it’s bad enough to be mine.” 
 
 that’s the allegory.” 
 
 A miser being dead, and fairly interred, 
 came to the banks of the river Styx, desiring 
 to be ferried over along with the other ghosts. 
 Charon demanded his fare, and was surprised 
 to see the miser, rather than pay it, throw 
 himself into the river and swim over to 
 the other side, notwithstanding all the 
 clamour and opposition that could be made 
 to him. All Tartarus was in an uproar ; and 
 each of the judges was meditating some 
 punishment suitable to a crime of such dan- 
 gerous consequences to the infernal revenues. 
 “ Shall he be chained to the rock along with 
 Prometheus ? or tremble below the precipice 
 in company with the Dana'ides? or assist 
 Sisyphus in rolling his stone ? ” “ No,” said 
 Minos, “none of these ; we must invent 
 some severer punishment. Let him be sent 
 back to the earth, to see the use his heirs are 
 making of his riches.” 
 
 HIGH KNOWLEDGE. 
 
 A Piedmontese Princess has rendered her- 
 self famous by a single sentence. There 
 was a famine in that little kingdom. The 
 Princess was astonished. “ Do they die of 
 it?” asked she. “In great numbers,” was 
 the answer. “ What squeamishness ! ” said 
 her Highness ; “ why don’t they eat beef and 
 mutton? I’m sure I would do so, rather 
 than starve.” 
 
 The world has other instances of this high- 
 life knowlege. The son of an English Duke, 
 a guardsman, is still memorable for a senti- 
 ment of equal ease. On his regiment being 
 ordered for Holland, in the first French war, 
 it was observed that he must prepare for 
 some privations. “ To be, sure I must,” was 
 his reply. “A bottle of good champagne, 
 and a tolerable haunch, I suppose, are holiday 
 fare among the mynheers. Let me have but 
 a bottle of drinkable claret and a roast fowl, 
 and I can get on anywhere.” 
 
 93 
 
 TRADE AGAINST LAND. 
 
 When the late Mr. Whitbread’s father, the 
 brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford’s 
 interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him 
 that he would spend £50,000 rather than he 
 should come in. Whitbread, with true English 
 spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale 
 of his grains would pay for that. 
 
 COLLINS AND ELLISTON. 
 
 Mr. Collins, the painter, and some friends, 
 were one night sitting with Elliston in his 
 box at Drury-lane theatre, when one of the 
 inferior actors attracted their attention by 
 the shabbiness of his costume, and the 
 general poverty of his whole appearance. 
 His stockings, particularly, were in a misera- 
 ble condition ; and the embroidered ornament 
 at the ancle of one, called the “clock,” was 
 positively ragged. Elliston first discerned 
 the latter feature in the costume of his hum- 
 ble brother actor ; and, in tragic seriousness 
 of tone, directly drew the painter’s attention 
 to it, in the following words: — “ Watch his 
 ‘ clock!’ — he got it upon tick!” 
 
 RUSTIC IGNORANCE. 
 
 An old woman, who had never in the 
 course of her life taken the Sacrament, hav- 
 ing become extremely anious to receive it, 
 the pastor of the parish to which she be- 
 longed thought it his duty to examine her 
 a little, and unfortunately found her one of 
 the most deplorably ignorant and stupid be- 
 ings in existence, with few ideas beyond a 
 sort of vague, general notion of a God, and a 
 future state of retribution. Perceiving that 
 she knew nothing of her prayers and creed, 
 he asked her whether she had ever heard that 
 there were any commandments ? and if she 
 had, how many ? She replied yes, and that 
 there were five. “ Five!” exclaimed the mi- 
 nister, “you mistake; however, tell me, if 
 you can, which be they.” “ Why, sir,” an- 
 swered the ancient catechumen, with a curt- 
 sey and look of manifest pleasure that at 
 length an opportunity had occurred of dis- 
 playing her knowledge, “ they be Christmas 
 Day, Lady Day, Lammas Day, Michaelmas 
 Day, and, let me see, another, but I’m sure I 
 forget what.” “Good Heavens! my poor 
 woman ! ” exclaimed the horrified clergy- 
 man, “ I could not have conceived that any- 
 body lived so weak as yourself! ” “ Wake !” 
 quoth the old dame in a huff, “ wake did you 
 call me, sir? Ay, ay, indeed, I may well be 
 wake, and so would you be, I fancy, an you’d 
 been troubled with the ager- fits as long as I 
 have.” 
 
 An old woman, extremely anxious to be 
 confirmed, was asked by the clergyman of 
 her parish whether it was with a view to re- 
 ceive the Sacrament, and whether she under- 
 stood the meaning and purport of confirma- 
 tion ? to which she answered, “Ay, why, no, 
 sir; I can’t say that I well do. But I’ve 
 wanted mortal bad to be conf armed, because 
 I’ve a notion ’tis a some’at as ’ill do my 
 rheumatiz good ! ” 
 
94 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 NAUTtCAT, SERMON. 
 
 A clergyman preaching in the neighbour- 
 hood of Wapping, observing that most part 
 of his audience were in the seafaring way, 
 very naturally embellished his discourse with 
 several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst 
 other things, he advised them “ to be ever 
 on the watch, so that on whatsoever tack the 
 evil one should bear down on them, he might 
 be crippled in action.” “Ay, master,” said 
 a son of Neptune, “ but let me tell you, that 
 will depend upon your having the weather 
 gage of him.” 
 
 STEALING THE WORD. 
 
 When Lord Norbury was presiding in 
 one of the Irish criminal courts, the regis- 
 trar complained to him that witnesses were 
 in the habit of stealing the Testament after 
 they had been sworn upon it. “Never 
 mind,” said his Lordship, “if the rascals read 
 the book, it will do them more goad than the 
 petty larceny may do them mischief. How- 
 ever, if they are not afraid of the cord, hang 
 your book in chains, and that, perhaps, by 
 reminding the fellows of the fate of their 
 fathers and grandfathers* may make them 
 behave themselves.” Thi3 strange expedient 
 was adopted, and the Testament remained 
 afterwards secure. 
 
 SUDDEN DEATHS ON TBE STAGE. 
 
 It is related that a gentleman of the name 
 of Bond collected a party of his friends, got 
 up the play of “ Zara,” at the Music-room in 
 Yilliers- street, York- buildings, and chose the 
 part of Lusignan for himself. His acting 
 was considered as a prodigy ; and he yielded 
 himself up so to the force and impetuosity of 
 his imagination, that on the discovery of his 
 daughter lie fainted away. The house rang 
 with applause ; but, finding that he conti- 
 nued a long time in that situation, the au- 
 dience began to be uneasy and apprehensive. 
 With some difficulty, the representatives of 
 ChatUlon and Ntrestan placed him in his 
 chair; he then faintly spoke, extended his 
 arms to receive his children, raised his eyes 
 to heaven, and. then closed them for ever. 
 
 Tn October, 1758, Joseph Peterson (an 
 actor long attached to the Norwich company) 
 was performing the Duke in “ Measure tor 
 Measure,” which he played in a masterly 
 style, and had just uttered these words — 
 
 “ Reason thus with life ; 
 
 If I do lose thee, I do lose a thing 
 That none but fools would keep ; a breath 
 thou art,” 
 
 when he dropped into Mr. Moody's arms and 
 never spoke again. 
 
 A similar end was that of Mr. John Pal- 
 mer : on the 2nd of August, 1798, while per- 
 forming in the play of the “ Stranger - ’ at 
 the Liverpool Theatre, after uttering the line, 
 
 “ There is another and a better world,” 
 he fell on his back, heaved a convulsive sigh, 
 and instantly expired. 
 
 COLUNS’S MARRIAGE. 
 
 When. Mr. Collins was united to Miss 
 Geddee, in the English Episcopal Church, in 
 York-place, Edinburgh, by the Rev. Dr. 
 Alison, author of. the celebrated work on 
 “ Taste,” the Doctor exhibited his literary 
 enthusiasm in a graceful and pleasing light, 
 declining to take aDy fees on the conclu- 
 sion of the ceremony. “ You bear the name 
 of a great poet,” said he to the painter, 
 “ and you are yourself increasing the honours 
 of that name, by your progress in one of the 
 intellectual arts : I could receive no fees 
 from any ‘ William Collins and still less 
 could I take them from you.” 
 
 DEATH OF DR. ADAM CLARKE BY Cl/oLERA. 
 
 In the autumn of 1832, the cholera was 
 spreading death and dismay far and wide 
 throughout the land. Dr. Clarke appears 
 to have had no personal fear of it. On the 
 contrary, he made volunteer excursions into 
 districts where it prevailed. He specially 
 named it, however, in the morning and 
 evening devotions which he offered up in his 
 family, and prayed that “ each and all might 
 be saved from its influence, or prepared for 
 sudden death.” He was engaged to preach 
 at Bayswater, on Sunday, the 26th of August, 
 and on the Saturday before he was conveyed 
 there in a friend’s chaise. He was cheerful 
 on the road, but was tired with his journey 
 and listless in the evening: and when a 
 gentleman asked him to preach a charity 
 sermon for him and fix the day, he made 
 answer, “ I am not well ; I cannot fix a 
 time ; I must first see what God is about 
 to do with me.” He retired to bed early, 
 not without some of those symptoms that 
 indicated the approach of this awful disease, 
 but which do not appear to have excited 
 any suspicions in himself or in his friends. 
 He rose in the morning ill, and wanting to 
 get home ; but before arrangements could be 
 made for his removal he had sunk into his 
 chair — that icy coldness, by which the 
 complaint is characterised, had come 
 on, and when the medical men arrived, 
 they pronounced it a clear case of cholera. 
 His wife, and most of his children, short 
 as the summons was, gathered about 
 him — he had ever been the most affec- 
 tionate of husbands and parents— and his 
 looks indicated great satisfaction when 
 he had them by his side, nec desidera- 
 verunt aliquid octdi; but he was now nearly 
 speechless. “Am I blue?” however, he 
 said to one of his sons — a question indicating 
 his knowledge of the malady under which 
 he was sinking ; and without any effort of 
 nature to rally, he breathed his last with a 
 short sob, about the seventieth year of his 
 age. “The heart,” adds the biographer of 
 his latter days, “knoweth his own bitterness, 
 but what can equal the anguish of that emo- 
 tion which first tells the wife she is a 
 widow, and the children that they are father- 
 less ? They feel its pang once— to forget it 
 no more for ever.” 
 
 * 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 Chateaubriand’s interview with 
 WASHINGTON. 
 
 “ A little house of the English construc- 
 tion (says Chateaubriand), resembling the 
 houses in its neighbourhood, was the palace 
 of the President of the United States. No 
 guards, no valets. I knocked — a young ser- 
 vant-girl opened to me. I asked her if the 
 General was at home. She asked me my 
 name, which being difficult to pronounce in 
 English, she could not retain. But she said, 
 
 * Walk in, sir,’ and went before me through 
 one of those long and narrow corridors which 
 serve as a vestibule to English houses. She 
 introduced me into a parlour, and told me 
 the General would attend me. I was not 
 moved ; greatness of soul or of fortune never 
 disconcert me. I admire the first, without 
 being humbled by it. The world inspires me 
 with more pity than respect. Never has the 
 face of man troubled me. In a few minutes 
 the General entered. He was a man of large 
 stature, his demeanour calm, rather cold than 
 noble. He resembles his pictures. I pre- 
 sented him my letter in silence ; he opened 
 it, turned to the signature, which he read 
 aloud, exclaiming, ‘ Colonel Armand ! ’ It 
 was thus that the Marquis de la Bouverie 
 had signed. We sat down. I explained to 
 him as well as I could the motive of my 
 voyage. He answered me by monosyllables 
 in "French or English. He listened to me 
 with astonishment. I approached him, and 
 said with vivacity, ‘But it is less difficult to 
 discover the North-East passage than to 
 create a people as you have done.’ ‘ Well 
 well' said he, ‘ young man' stretching to me 
 his hand. He invited me to dine with him 
 on the following day, and we parted. 
 
 “I was exact at the rendezvous. We 
 were but five or six guests. The conversa- 
 tion turned almost entirely on the French 
 Revolution. The General showed us the key 
 of the Bastile. These keys were silly toys, 
 which were then distributed in the two 
 worlds. If Washington had seen, like me, 
 the vanquishers of the Bastile in the gutters 
 of Paris, he would have had less faith in his 
 relic. The seriousness and the force of this 
 revolution was not in its bloody orgies. At 
 the revocation of the Edict of Nantes, in 
 1685, the same populace of the Faubourg St. 
 Antoine demolished the Protestant temple of 
 Charenton with as much zeal as they devas- 
 tated the church of St. Denis in 1793. Such 
 was my meeting with this man, who has 
 emancipated a whole world. Washington 
 had sunk into the tomb before any fame was 
 attached to my name ; I passed before him 
 as the most unknown being. He was in all 
 his splendour, and I in all my obscurity. 
 Perhaps, my name did not remain a whole 
 day in his memory. Happy am I, never- 
 theless, that his regards have fallen upon me. 
 I have felt myself warmed by them during 
 the rest of my life. There is a virtue in the 
 regard of a great man. I have since seen 
 Bonaparte. Thus Providence has shown me 
 two persons, whom it has been pleased to 
 
 place at the head of the destinies of their 
 age.” 
 
 “what a shocking bad hat you’ve 
 
 GOT.” 
 
 This phrase, which was very popular some 
 eighteen years ago, is said to have originated 
 
 as follows : — “ When Mr. H , the worthy 
 
 hat-maker, was canvassing the poorer con- 
 stituents of the borough of Southwark for 
 their ‘ sweet voices,’ he invariably addressed 
 them in this form: ‘ I wait upon you, sir, 
 to request the favour of your vote and inte- 
 rest at the ensuing election. To briber}’’ and 
 corruption — I — will — not — have — recourse ; 
 
 but, sir, if Why, bless me, sir, what a 
 
 shocking bad hat you’ve got ! really, you 
 must allow me to send you a new one. 
 But, sir, as I was about to say, if you can 
 conscientiously,’ ” &c. 
 
 A MATCH FOR ABERNETHY. 
 
 A scene of much entertainment once took 
 place between our eminent surgeon and the 
 famous John Philpot Curran. Mr. Curran, 
 it seems, being personally unknown to him, 
 had visited Mr. Abernethy several times 
 without having had an opportunity of fully 
 explaining (as he thought) the nature of his 
 malady ; at last, determined to have a hear- 
 ing, when interrupted in his story, he fixed 
 his dark bright eye on the “doctor,” and 
 said — “ Mr. Abernethy, I have been here on 
 eight different days, and I have paid you 
 eight different guineas ; but you have never 
 yet listened to the symptoms of my com- 
 plaint. I am resolved, sir, not to leave this 
 room till you satisfy me by doing so.” Struck 
 by his manner, Mr. Abernethy threw himself 
 back in his chair, and assuming the posture 
 of a most indefatigable listener, exclaimed, 
 in a tone of half surprise, half humour. 
 “ Oh ! very well, sir ; I am ready to hear 
 you out. Go on, give me the whole — your 
 birth, parentage, and education. I wait your 
 pleasure ; go on.” Upon which Curran^ not 
 a whit disconcerted, gravely began: — “My 
 name is John Philpot Curran. My. parents 
 were poor, but I believe honest people, of the 
 province of Munster, where also I was born, 
 at Newmarket, in the county of Cork, in the 
 year one thousand seven hundred and fifty 
 My father being employed to collect the 
 rents of a Protestant gentleman, of small 
 fortune, in that neighbourhood, procured my 
 admission into one of the Protestant free- 
 schools, where I obtained the first rudiments 
 of my education. I was next enabled to 
 enter Trinity College, Dublin, in the humble 
 sphere of a sizar;" and so he continued for 
 several minutes, giving his astonished hearer 
 a true, but irresistibly laughable account of 
 his “ birth, parentage, and education,” as 
 desired, till he came to his illness and suffer- 
 ings, the detail of which was not again in- 
 terrupted. It is hardly necessary to add, 
 that Mr. Abernethy ’s attention to his gifted 
 patient was, from that hour to the close of 
 his life, assiduous, unremitting, and devoted. 
 
96 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 ABERNETHIAXA. 
 
 Abernethy’s mind disqualified him from 
 adopting that affected interest which distin- 
 guishes many of the well-bred physicians, 
 and he heartily despised their little arts to 
 acquire popularity. He seemed to feel as if 
 he mentally expressed himself thus: — “Here 
 I am, ready to give my advice if you want 
 it ; but you must take it as you find it, and if 
 you don’t like it, egad (his favourite word), 
 you may go about your business — I don’t 
 want to have anything to do with you ; hold 
 your tongue and be off.” In some such mood 
 as this he received a visit from a lady one 
 day who was well acquainted with his invin- 
 cible repugnance to her sex’s predominant 
 disposition, and who therefore forbore speak- 
 ing but simply in reply to his laconic queries. 
 The consultation was conducted during three 
 visits in the following manner : — First Day. 
 — Lady enters and holds out her finger. — 
 Abernethy : “ Cut ? ” — Lady : “ Bite.” A. : 
 “ Dog ? L. : “ Parrot.” A. : “ Go home 
 
 and poultice it.” Second day. — Finger held 
 out again. — A. : “ Better ? ” — L. : “ Worse.” 
 A. : “ Go home and poultice it again.” Third 
 Day. — Finger held out as before. — A. : 
 “ Better ? ” — L. : “ Well.” A . : “ You’re the 
 most sensible woman I ever met with. Good 
 bye. Get out.” 
 
 Another lady, having scalded her arm, 
 called at the usual hour to shew it three suc- 
 cessive days, when similar laconic conversa- 
 tions took place. First Day — Patient, ex- 
 posing the arm, says — Burnt.” — A. : “ I see 
 it,” and having prescribed a lotion, she de- 
 parts. Second day — Patient shows the arm, 
 and says — “Better.” — A.: “1 know it.” 
 Third Day — again showing the arm. — Pa- 
 tient: “Well,” — A. : “Any fool can tell that. 
 What d’ye come again for ? Get away.” 
 
 A patient consulted Mr. Abernethy for a 
 pain in the arm, and holding it up in the air, 
 said “ It always gives me pain when I hold 
 it up so.” “ A. : Then why the devil do you 
 hold it up so ? ” 
 
 In all cases of obesity and repletion Mr. 
 Abernethy was especially impatient, and in- 
 disposed to prescribe. A portly gentleman 
 from the country once called on him for ad- 
 vice and received the following answer: — 
 “ You nasty beast, you go and fill your g — , 
 and then you come to me to empty them.” 
 
 A young lady was brought one morning 
 by her mamma, complaining of difficulty of 
 breathing when taking exercise and after 
 her meals. Perceiving her to be very tightly 
 laced round the waist, Mr. Abernethy seized 
 a pair of scissors, and, without saying a word, 
 ripped up the stays from top to bottom, and 
 then desired her to walk about for ten mi- 
 nutes. The injunction being complied with 
 accordingly, he demanded how she felt. 
 “ Better,” was the reply. The mandate was 
 repeated, and the walk being finished, he 
 asked, “How now?” “Quite well,” was 
 the answer. Abernethy: “That will do. 
 Take her away, and don’t let her wear 
 tight stays.” In such a case a common phy- 
 
 sician would probably prescribe to oblige the 
 apothecary and to please the patient. The 
 eccentric professor went directly to the cause 
 at once, and removed it, without caring who 
 was pleased or who not so, having no sinister 
 object in view. Another young lady was 
 one summer’s morning brought to him by 
 her mother in consequence of the former hav- 
 ing swallowed a spider. Mr. Abernethy 
 dexterously caught a blue-bottle fly as it fled 
 by him, and told the patient to put it into 
 her mouth, and if she spit it out in a few mo- 
 ments the spider would come out with it. 
 
 A lawyer having called to show the state 
 of his leg, proceeded to remove the bandages, 
 which Mr. Abernethy endeavoured to pre- 
 vent, every now and then repeating, “No, 
 no, that will do: shut it up — shut it up.” 
 Accordingly the lawyer yielded at length, 
 but determined on revenge. Mr. Abernethy 
 having simply prescribed for the stomach 
 without regard to the leg, the patient tendered 
 a shilling, and prepared to depart, when the 
 former, missing the expected sovereign, ob- 
 served that there must be some mistake. “ No 
 no,” said the lawyer, advancing to the door, 
 “ that will do — that will do : shut it up — shut 
 it up.” 
 
 WILKIE’S SIMPLICITY. 
 
 On the birth of Collins’s first son, the 
 painter requested Sir David Wilkie to be- 
 come one of the sponsors for his child. The 
 great artist’s first criticism on his future god- 
 son is worth recording, from its originality. 
 Sir David, whose studies of human nature 
 extended to everything but infant human 
 nature, had evidently been refreshing his 
 faculties for the occasion, by taxing his boy- 
 ish recollections of puppies and kittens ; for, 
 after looking intently into the child’s eyes, 
 as it was held up for his inspection, he ex- 
 claimed to the father, with serions astonish- 
 ment and satisfaction, “ He sees ! ” 
 
 LORD KEEPER ELLESMERE. 
 
 Lord Ellesmere, who was made keeper of 
 the seals in the 38th of Queen Elizabeth, 
 was son of a servant girl named Sparks, 
 who had lived with his father, Sir Richard 
 Egerton, of Ridley. His mother had been so 
 neglected by her seducer, that she was com- 
 pelled to beg for support ; when a neighbour- 
 ing gentleman, a friend of Sir Richard, saw 
 her asking alms followed by her child. He 
 admired its beautv, and saw in it the evident 
 features of the Knight. He immediately 
 went to Sir Richard, and laid before him the 
 disgrace of suffering his own offspring, ille- 
 gitimate as he was, to wander from door to 
 door. He was touched with the reproof, 
 adopted the child, and, by a proper education, 
 laid the foundation of its future fortune. 
 Fuller, in his “ Worthies,” says, that “ surely 
 Christendom afforded not a person who car- 
 ried more gravity in his countenance than 
 Sir Thomas Egerton: insomuch that many 
 who have gone to the Chancery on purpose 
 only to see his venerable aspect and garb, were 
 highly pleased at so acceptable a spectacle.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 9? 
 
 OLD JESTS. 
 
 Persons wlio gloat over dust and black- 
 letter need scarcely be told that the best of 
 “modern” jests are almost literally from the 
 antique : in short, that what we employ to 
 “ set the table in a roar” were employed by 
 the wise men of old to enliven their cups, 
 deep and strong ; that to jest was a part of 
 the Platonic philosophy ; and that the excel- 
 lent fancies, the flashes of merriment, of our 
 forefathers, are nightly, nay, hourly re-echoed 
 for our amusement. Yet such is the whole 
 art of pleasing : what has pleased will, with 
 certain modifications, continue to please again 
 and again, until the end of time. 
 
 But we may displease; and as Hamlet 
 says, “ We must speak by the card.” Here 
 is from Hierocles, a little batch of jests 
 with antique humour richly dight. The 
 reader will recognise many old acquaint- 
 ances, but he need not touch his bat, lest his 
 politeness weary him. These old stories are 
 but “ pick’d to be new van’d.” 
 
 An irritable man went to visit a sick 
 friend, and asked him concerning his health. 
 The patient was so ill that he could not re- 
 ply; whereupon the other in a rage said, 
 “ I hope that I may soon fall sick, and then 
 I will not answer you when you visit me.” 
 
 A speculative gentleman, wishing to teach 
 his horse to do without food, starved him to 
 death. “ I had a great loss,” said he ; “ for, 
 just as he learned to live without eating, he 
 died.” 
 
 A curious inquirer, desirous to know how 
 he looked when asleep, sat with closed eyes 
 before a mirror. 
 
 A young man told his friend that he 
 dreamed that he had struck his foot against 
 a sharp nail. “Why then do you sleep 
 without your shoes? ” was the reply. 
 
 A robustious countryman meeting a phy- 
 sician, ran to hide behind a wall; being 
 asked the cause, he replied, “ It is so long 
 since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to 
 look a physician in the face.” 
 
 A gentleman had a cask of Aminean wine, 
 from which his servant stole a large quan- 
 tity. When the master perceived the de- 
 ficiency, he diligently inspected the top of 
 the cask, but could find no traces of an open- 
 ing. “ Look if there be not a hole in the 
 bottom,” said a bystander. “ Blockhead ! ” 
 he replied, “ do you not see that the defi- 
 ciency is at the top, and not at the bottom ? ” 
 A young man meeting an acquaintance, 
 said, “ T heard that you were dead.” “ But,” 
 says the other, “ you see me alive.” “ I do 
 not know how that may be,” replied he: 
 
 “ you are a notorious liar ; but my informant 
 was a person of credit.” 
 
 A man hearing that a raven would live 
 two hundred years, bought one to try. 
 
 During a storm, the passengers on board a 
 vessel that appeared in danger seized differ- 
 ent implements to aid them in swimming, 
 and one of the number selected for this pur- 
 pose the anchor. 
 
 One of twin brothers died ; a fellow meet- 
 
 ing the survivor, asked, “ Which is it, you 
 or your brother, that’s dead ? ” 
 
 A man wrote to his friend in Greece, beg- 
 ging him to purchase books. From negli- 
 gence or avarice, he neglected to execute the 
 commission ; but fearing that his correspond- 
 ent might be offended, he exclaimed, when 
 next they met,*“My dear friend, I never 
 got the letter that you wrote to me about the 
 books.” 
 
 A wittol,a barber, and a bald-headed man 
 travelled together. Loosing their way, they 
 were forced to sleep in the open air ; and, to 
 avert danger, it was agreed to keep watch by 
 turns. The lot first fell on the barber, who, 
 for amusement, shaved the fool’s head while 
 he slept ; he then woke him, and the fool, 
 raising his hand to scratch bis head, ex- 
 claimed, “ Here’s a pretty mistake ; rascal ! 
 you have waked the bald-headed man in- 
 stead of me.” 
 
 A citizen, seeing some sparrows in a tree, 
 went beneath and shook it, holding out his 
 hat to catch them as they fell. 
 
 A foolish fellow having a house to sell, 
 took a brick from the wall to exhibit as a 
 sample. 
 
 A man meeting his friend, said, “ I spoke 
 to you last night in a dream.” “Pardon 
 me,” replied the other, “I did not hear 
 you.” 
 
 A man that had nearly been drowned 
 while bathing, declared that he would not 
 again go into the water until he had learned 
 to swim. 
 
 (To understand the next, we must pre- 
 mise that a horse with his first teeth was 
 called by the Greeks “ a first thrower.”) 
 
 A man selling a horse was asked if it was 
 a first thrower. “By Jove,” said he, “he’s 
 a second thrower, for he threw both me and 
 my father.” 
 
 A fellow had to cross a river, and entered 
 a boat on horseback ; being asked the 
 cause, he replied, “ I must ride, because I 
 am in a hurry.” 
 
 A student in want of money sold his books, 
 and wrote home, “Father, rejoice, for I now 
 derive my support from literature.” 
 
 REAL TRAGEDY. 
 
 The history of Sweden records a very ex- 
 traordinary incident, which took place at the 
 representation of the mystery of the Passion, 
 under King John II., in 1513. The actor 
 who performed the part of Longinus, the 
 soldier who was to pierce the Christ on the 
 cross in the side, was so transported with 
 the spirit of his action, that he really killed 
 the man who personated our Lord ; who, 
 falling suddenly, and with great violence, 
 overthrew the actress who represented the 
 Holy Mother. King John, who was present 
 at this spectacle, was so enraged against 
 Longinus, that he leaped on the stage and 
 struck off 1 his head. The spectators, who 
 had been delighted with the too violent 
 actor, became infuriated against their King, 
 fell upon him in a throng, and killed him 
 
98 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 AN INCIDENT ON THE ICE. 
 
 The winter was unusually severe, and the 
 ice on the St. Lawrence paticularly thick; 
 however, while the river beneath was rush- 
 ing towards the sea, the ice was waiting in 
 abeyance in the middle of the stream until 
 the narrow fas mess between Montreal and 
 St. Helens should burst and allow the whole 
 mass to break into pieces, and then in stu- 
 pendous confusion to hurry downwards to- 
 wards Quebec. On St. Helens there was 
 quartered a small detachment of troops, and 
 while the breaking up of the ice was mo- 
 mentarily expected, many of the soldiers, 
 muffled in their great- coats, with thick 
 storm-gloves on their hands, and with a 
 piece of fur attached to their caps to protect 
 their ears from being frozen, were on the ice 
 employed in attending to the road across it 
 to Montreal. After a short suspense, which 
 increased rather than allayed their excite- 
 ment, a deep thundering noise announced to 
 them that the process of breaking up had 
 commenced. The ice before them writhed, 
 heaved up, burst, broke into fragments, and 
 the whole mass, excepting a small portion, 
 which remaining ri vetted to the shore of 
 St. Helens formed an artificial pier with 
 deep wa;ter beneath it, gradually moved 
 downwards. Just at this moment of intense 
 interest a little girl, the daughter of an 
 artilleryman on the island, was seen on the 
 ice in the middle of the river in an attitude 
 of agony and alarm. Imprudently and 
 unobserved, she had attempted to cross over 
 to Montreal, and was hardly half way when 
 the ice both above, below her, and in all 
 directions, gave way. The child’s fate 
 seemed inevitable, and it was exciting va- 
 rious sensations in the minds, and various 
 exclamations from the mouths of the sol- 
 diers, when something within the breast of 
 Thomas Neill, a young sergeant in the 21th 
 regiment, who happened to be much nearer 
 to her than the rest, distinctly uttered to 
 him the monosyllables “Quick march ! ” and 
 in obedience thereto, fixing his eyes on the 
 child as on a parade bandarole, he steadily 
 proceeded towards her. Sometimes just 
 before him, sometimes just behind him, and 
 sometimes on either side, an immense piece 
 of ice would pause, rear up on end, and roll 
 over, so as occasionally to hide him altoge- 
 ther from view. Sometimes he was seen 
 jumping from a piece that was beginning to 
 rise, and then, like a white bear, carefully 
 clambering down a piece that was beginning 
 to sink: however, onwards he proceeded; 
 until reaching the little island of ice on 
 which the poor child stood, with the feelings 
 of calm triumph with which he would have 
 surmounted a breach, he firmly grasped her 
 by the hand. By this time he had been 
 floated down the river nearly out of sight of 
 his comrades. However, some of them, 
 having run to their barracks for spy-glasses, 
 distinctly beheld him about two miles below 
 them, sometimes leading the child in his 
 hand, sometimes carrying her in his arms; 
 
 sometimes “ halting,” sometimes running 
 “ double quick ; ” and in this dangerous pre- 
 dicament lie continued for six miles, until, 
 after passing Longeuil, he was given up by 
 his comrades as — lost He remained with 
 the little girl floating down the middle of 
 the river for a considerable time; at last, 
 towards evening, they were discovered by 
 some French Canadians, who, at no small 
 risk, humanely pushed off in a canoe to their 
 assistance, and thus rescued them both from 
 their perilous situation. The Canadians 
 took them to their home. At last, in due 
 time they returned to St. Helens. The 
 child was happily restored to its parents, 
 and Sergeant Neill quietly returned to his 
 barracks. — Sir Francis Head’s “Emigrant” 
 
 HENRY ERSKINE. 
 
 It was on a visit to the Parliament-house, 
 that Mr. Henry Erskine (brother of Lord 
 Buchan and Lord Erskine), after being pre- 
 sented to Dr. Johnson by Mr. Boswell, and 
 having made his bow, slipped a shilling into 
 Boswell’s hand, whispering that it was for 
 the sight of his bear. 
 
 LOUIS XVL — BY CHATEAUBRIAND. 
 
 Louis XVI. was of an advantageous sta- 
 ture ; his shoulders were large, and his beilv 
 prominent. His walk was ungainly, rolling, 
 as it were, from one leg to the other; his 
 vision was short ; his eyes half shut ; his 
 mouth large; his voice hollow and vulgar. 
 He was fond of a hearty laugh : his air an- 
 nounced gaiety, — not the gaiety, perhaps, of 
 a superior mind, but the cordial joy of an 
 honest man, coming from a conscience with- 
 out reproach. He was not without know- 
 ledge, especially in geography. For the rest, 
 he had his weaknesses like other men. He 
 loved, for example, to play tricks upon his 
 pages, and to spy, at five o’clock in the morn- 
 ing, from the windows of the palace, the 
 movements of the gentlemen of the Court as 
 they left their apartments. If at a hunt one 
 passed between him and the stag, he was 
 subject to sudden tits of anger, as I have ex- 
 perienced myself. One day, when it was ex- 
 cessively hot, an old gentleman of the stables, 
 who had followed the chase, being fatigued, 
 got down from his horse, and, stretching 
 himself on his back, fell asleep in the shade. 
 Louis passed by, perceived him, and thought 
 it a good joke to wake him up. He got 
 down, then, from his horse, and, without 
 wishing to hurt his ancient servant, he let 
 fall rather a heavy stqne on his breast. 
 Awakening up, the old gentleman, in the 
 first moment of pain and anger, called out, 
 “Ah! 1 know you well in this trick; you 
 were so from your infancy ; you are a tyrant, 
 a cruel man, a ferocious animal ! ” aud he 
 continued to overwhelm the King with in- 
 I suits. His Majesty quickly regained his 
 I horse, and half laughing, half sorry that he 
 had hurt a man whom he loved much, mut- 
 tered as Ire went away, “ Ha ! ha ! he is 
 i angry ! he is angry ! he is angry ! ” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 wilberforce’s early life. 
 
 Mr. Wilberforce entered St. John’s Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, Oct., 1776, at the age of 
 seventeen years; and, becoming master of 
 a handsome fortune, left by his grandfather 
 and uncle, he was at once exposed to a host of 
 temptations. On the first night of his ar- 
 rival, he was introduced to a licentious set 
 of hard drinkers, whom, however, he shook 
 off after the first year. For the last two 
 years he spent at Cambridge, he was the 
 centre of a higher circle. “ There was no 
 one,” says the Iiev. T. Gisborne, “at all like 
 him for powers of entertainment. Always 
 fond of repartee and discussion, he seemed 
 entirely free from conceit and vanity.” He 
 was truly hospitable : “ there was always a 
 great Yorkshire pie in his rooms, and all 
 were welcome to partake of it. My rooms 
 and his,” says Mr. Gisborne, “ were back to 
 back, and often when I was raking out my 
 fire, at ten o’clock, I heard his melodious 
 voice calling aloud to me to come and sit 
 with him before I went to bed. It was a 
 dangerous thing to do, for his amusing con- 
 versation was sure to keep me up so late, 
 that I was behind-hand the next morning.” 
 Wilberforce was a good classic, and acquitted 
 himself well in the college examinations ; 
 but mathematics he almost entirelyneglected. 
 Whilst some of his companions were reading 
 hard and attending lectures, card-parties 
 and idle amusements consumed his hours. 
 With all his gaieties, he was not, however, 
 profligate, or what the world calls licentious, 
 and certainly “better than young men in 
 general but he neglected opportunities of 
 moral and intellectual profit : he strove in 
 after years to supply these omissions; but, 
 to the end of his life, he deplored a certain 
 want of mental regularity, which he traced 
 to this neglect of early discipline. “That 
 there was even at this time of thoughtless- 
 ness, a hidden vein of deeper feeling, was 
 shown by his refusing, when unexpectedly 
 required, to declare his assent to the articles 
 of the Church, though the refusal cost him, 
 for a time, the convenience of an academical 
 degree. Further inquiry removed his hesi- 
 tation, but he would not, at a mature age, 
 when his education was completed, declare 
 ms concurrence in religious dogmas which 
 he had not examined.” 
 
 Before he quitted college, Mr. Wilberforce 
 had resolved to enter upon public life. He 
 therefore declined business; and, in expec- 
 tation of a speedy dissolution, he commenced 
 a canvass for the representation of his native 
 town in Parliament. After a successful can- 
 vass on the spot, he repaired to London, 
 where about 300 Hull freemen resided in the 
 vicinity of the Thames ; these he entertained 
 at suppers in the public- houses at Wapping, 
 and by his addresses to them, first gained 
 confidence m public speaking. During this 
 y. ear ’ h e lodged in the Adelphi, and con- 
 stantly frequented the gallery of the House 
 51, °™™ on s, where he became intimate with 
 Mr. Pitt, whom he had slightly known at 
 
 Cambridge. In the summer he returned to 
 Hull ; but his election prospects were almost 
 blighted by the day being fixed before the 
 expiration of his nonage. The session, 
 however, survived his birthday, when the 
 townsmen were regaled with an ox roasted 
 whole in one of his fields. The election 
 opportunely followed, and he numbered 
 singly as many votes as his two opponents 
 had received together, though his return cost 
 him between £8000 and £9000. This great 
 success coloured his entry into public life ; 
 and, upon his return to London, he was at 
 once elected a member of all the leading 
 clubs, and immersed in politics and fashion. 
 Fox, Sheridan, and Fitzpatrick frequented 
 these clubs, and the members chatted, played 
 at cards, or gambled, as they pleased. But 
 Mr. Wilberforce’s usual resort was Goose- 
 tree’s in Pall-mall, where his friendship with 
 Pitt increased. Here he once lost £100 at 
 the Faro table, and, on another night, kept 
 the bank, by which he won £600 ; but this 
 weaned him from play. About this time, he 
 was one of those who met to spend an even- 
 ing in memory of Sbakspeare, at the Boar’s 
 Head Tavern, Eastcheap. 
 
 UNREASONABLE HORSE. 
 
 A countryman returning home by moon- 
 light, after having taken his full share of ale, 
 his horse, stopping at a pond, proceeded to 
 take his full share of water, and in so doing 
 pitched his rider over his head. The pond 
 not being deep, the man soon recovered him- 
 self, and catching hold of the bridle of his 
 nag, exclaimed, “Dom thee! can’t theo 
 drink without a sop ? ” 
 
 ORIGIN OF PARSON ADAMS. 
 
 It is stated by one of Fielding s biographers, 
 that the Rev. Mr. Young, a learned and 
 much-esteemed friend of the novelist, was 
 the original of the excellent and amusing 
 parson. 
 
 It is added that the likeness was very 
 remarkable : Mr. Young had as close an 
 intimacy with the Greek authors, and as 
 passionate a veneration for ALsehylus, as 
 Adams himself; the overflowings of his be- 
 nevolence were strong; his fits of reverie 
 were as Irequent, and occurred, too, upon the 
 most interesting occasions. 
 
 When he was chaplain, for instance, of a 
 regiment serving in Flanders, he thought 
 iroper, one fine summer’s evening, to indulge 
 iimself in a walk; during which, struck with 
 the charms of the landscape, and, perhaps, 
 with some appropriate passage in his beloved 
 Aeschylus, he extended his studies till he 
 arrived very quickly within the enemy’s 
 lines, and was only brought to a stand by the 
 repeated challenge of “ Qui va la? ” 
 
 The officer in command, on hearing the 
 merits of the case, and finding the unpreme- 
 ditated nature of the visit, with the unaf- 
 fected simplicity of his prisoner, gave him 
 leave to pursue his classical researches in a. 
 walk home again. 
 
 h 2 
 
100 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 PATRICK HENRY, THE AMERICAN ORATOR. 
 
 Henry’s information was very limited, and 
 he was much disinclined to study. *• Take 
 my word for it,” was his remark to a friend 
 in advanced life, “we are too old to read 
 books ; read men — they are the only volumes 
 we can read to advantage.” What he did 
 read was always ready for use. Mr. Lee 
 (the Cicero of the Virginian Assembly) wa3 
 descanting tediously till a late hour, on the 
 beauties of “ Don Quixote.” Henry assented, 
 but added, “ You have overlooked, in your 
 eulogy, one of the finest things in the book, 
 the divine exclamation of Sancho, ‘Bless- 
 ings on the man who first invented sleep ; 
 it covers one all over like a cloak.’ ” Henry’3 
 maiden speech is thus well described : — 
 “And now came the first trial of Patrick 
 Henry’s strength. No one had ever heard 
 him speak, and curiosity was on tiptoe. He 
 rose very awkwardly, and faltered much in 
 his exordium. The people hung their heads 
 at so unpromising a commencement; the 
 clergy were observed to exchange sly looks 
 at each other, and his father is described as 
 having almost sunk with confusion from his 
 seat. But these feelings were of short dura- 
 tion, and soon gave place to others of a very 
 different character. For now were those 
 wonderful faculties which he possessed for 
 the first time developed ; and now was first 
 witnessed that mysterious and almost super- 
 natural transformation of appearance which 
 the fire of his own eloquence never failed to 
 work in him. For, as his mind rolled along, 
 and began to glow from it3 own action, all 
 the exuvia of the clown seemed to shed them- 
 selves spontaneously. His attitude, by de- 
 grees, became erect and lofty. The spirit of 
 his genius awakened all his features. . . . 
 
 They say that the people, whose counte- 
 nances had fallen as he arose, had heard but 
 a few sentences, before they began to look 
 up ; then to look at each other with surprise, 
 as if doubting the evidence of their own 
 senses : then, attracted by some strong ges- 
 ture, struck by some majestic attitude, fas- 
 cinated by the spell of his eye, the charms of 
 his emphasis, and the varied and command- 
 ing expression of his countenance, they could 
 look away no more. In less than twenty 
 minutes, they might be seen in every part of 
 the house, on every bench, in every window, 
 stepping forward from their stands in death- 
 like silence ; their features fixed in amaze- 
 ment and awe ; all their senses listening and 
 rivetted upon the speaker, as if to catch the 
 last strain of some heavenly visitant.” 
 Henry’s reputation was now established. 
 After this, however, instead of refining his 
 manner or improving his dress, he took a 
 delight in their plainness, and would often 
 come into court attired in a coarse hunting- 
 jacket, greasy leather breeches, and with a 
 pair of saddle-bags under his arm. He had 
 also contracted or affected the vulgar style 
 of pronunciation, as: — “ Naiteral parts is 
 better than all the laming upon yearth ” — 
 though bis friends deny the is. 
 
 , A YELLOW COAT. 
 
 1 “ There was a man about 40 years old, Dick 
 
 Harness by name. He had received a wound 
 in the hip, from a grape shot ; and his leg 
 having, in consequence, contracted, it occa- 
 sioned him to limp very much ; but he was 
 as strong and hearty, in all other respects, 
 as a man could be. He was a very merry 
 fellow, full of jokes ; and if any one told a 
 story which was at all verging on the mar- 
 vellous, he was sure to tell another which 
 would be still more incredible. He played 
 the fiddle, and sang to his own accompani- 
 ments, which were very droll, as he extracted 
 strange noises from his instrument. Some- 
 times his bow would be on the wrong side 
 of the bridge, sometimes down at the keys ; 
 besides which, he produced sounds by thump- 
 ing the fiddle, as well as by touching its 
 strings, as a guitar : indeed, he could imitate, 
 in a certain way, almost every instrument, 
 and most of the noises made by animals. 
 He had one fault — for which he used to be 
 occasionally punished — which was, he was 
 too fond of the bottle ; but he was a great 
 favourite, and therefore screened by the men, 
 and overlooked by the officers as much as 
 possible. The punishment for a pensioner 
 getting drunk was, at that time, being made 
 to wear a yellow, instead of a blue coat, 
 which made a man look very conspicuous. 
 One day Harness had the yellow coat 
 on, when a party of ladies and gentlemen 
 came to see the Hospital. Perceiving that 
 he was dressed so differently from the other 
 pensioners, one of the ladies’ curiosity was 
 excited ; and at last she called him to her, 
 and said : — 
 
 “ ‘ Pray, my good man, why do you wear 
 a yellow coat, when the other pensioners 
 have blue ones ? ’ 
 
 “ ‘ Bless your handsome face, ma’am !’ re- 
 plied Dick, ‘ don’t you really know ?’ 
 
 “ ‘ No, indeed ! ’ replied she. 
 
 ‘“Well, then, ma’am, perhaps you may 
 have heard of the glorious battle of the Nile, 
 in which Nelson gave the French such a 
 drubbing ? ’ 
 
 “‘Oh, yes!* cried all the ladies and 
 gentlemen, who had now crowded about 
 him. 
 
 “‘Well, ladies and gentlemen, I had the 
 good fortune to be in that great victory ; 
 and all we Jailers, as we are called, are per- 
 mitted to wear a yellow coat, as a mark of 
 distinction, while the common pensioners 
 wear nothing but blue.’ 
 
 “ Dear me ! ’ said the lady ; ‘ and do I 
 really speak to one of those brave fellows who 
 fought at the battle of the Nile?’ and she 
 put her hand into her pocket, and pulled out 
 five shillings. ‘There,’ said she, ‘I hope 
 you’ll not be affronted, but accept this from 
 me.’ 
 
 ‘“Not at all, ma’am,’ replied Dick, pock- 
 eting the money. 
 
 “ Then the whole party made a subscrip- 
 tion for him, and Dick went off with a hand- 
 ful of silver.” — Capt. Marryat's “Poor Jack.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 101 
 
 SPIRITED REPLY. 
 
 “Doctor,” said a hard-looking, brandy- 
 faced customer, the other day, to a physician 
 — “ Doctor, I’m troubled with an oppression, 
 an uneasiness about the breast. What do 
 you suppose the matter is ? ” “ All very 
 
 easily accounted for,” said the physician; 
 “you have water on the chest.” “Water! 
 Come, that’ll do well enough for a joke; but 
 how could I get water on my chest, when I 
 havn’t touched a drop in fifteen years! If 
 you had said brandy, you might have hit it.” 
 
 THE AMERICAN NATION. 
 
 Fisher Ames reminds his countrymen, that, 
 though America is rising with a giant’s 
 strength, its bones are yet but cartilages.” 
 Burke, in his speech on American affairs, 
 delivered in 1772, calls the Americans “a 
 nation in the gristle;” and Talleyrand, on 
 his return from the United States, described 
 them as “ un geant sans os ni nerfs.” 
 
 A FAIR COMPLIMENT. 
 
 Francis de Harley, Archbishop of Paris 
 under Louis XI Y., was remarkably hand- 
 some, and affable in his manner. When he 
 was appointed to his diocese, with several 
 Duchesses who waited upon him in a body, 
 to congratulate him, was the Duchess of 
 Mecklenburgh, who addressed him in the 
 following words : — “ Though the weakest, we 
 are the most zealous portion of your flock.” 
 The Archbishop answered, “ I regard you as 
 the fairest portion of it.” The Duchess de 
 Bouillon, who understood Latin, and was 
 well read in Virgil, then repeated this line 
 from that poet : — 
 
 “ Formosa pecoris, custos formosior ipse.” 
 
 (Fair is the flock, the keeper fairer still.) 
 
 THERE AND BACK AGAIN. 
 
 In 1477, the famous patrician, Martin Kot- 
 zel, undertook a pilgrimage to Palestine, for 
 the express purpose of counting the number 
 of footsteps between the house of Pontius 
 Pilate and Mount Golgotha. The idea was 
 singular, no doubt, but turned to the advan- 
 tage of the arts. It was Kotzel’s intention, 
 on his return, to measure an equal distance 
 from his own house to the cemetery of St. 
 John ; then, on the road so measured out, to 
 erect seven statues, by the celebrated Adam 
 Kraft, and, at the extremity, a Calvary, 
 crowned with three statues, of Christ and 
 his two executioners. But when he got back 
 to Nuremberg, he found he had forgotten the 
 number of paces. Another man would have 
 given way in despair; but Martin Kotzel, 
 without hesitation, resumed his staff, and 
 recommenced his journey to the Holy Land. 
 On his next return, his memory had retained 
 the number ; and he immediately set about 
 the execution of his brilliant project, which 
 still exists, and, with the exception of one 
 or two statues requiring a few repairs, the 
 whole is perfect as on leaving the sculptor’s 
 hand. 
 
 MELODRAMATIC HIT. 
 
 Burke’s was a complete failure, where he 
 flung the dagger on the floor of the House 
 of Commons, and produced nothing but a 
 smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan : 
 — “ The gentleman has brought us the knife, 
 but where is the fork ? ” 
 
 CASH PAYMENTS. 
 
 Peterson, the comedian, lent a brother 
 actor two shillings, and, when he made a 
 demand for the sum, the debtor, turning 
 peevishly from him, said, “ Hang it. I’ll pay 
 you to-day in some shape or other.” Peter- 
 son good-humouredly replied, “ I shall be 
 much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as 
 like two shillings as you can.” 
 
 A PROUD HEART. 
 
 Mathews, whose powers in conversation, 
 and whose flow of anecdote in private life, 
 transcended even his public efforts, told a 
 variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers 
 (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which 
 he represented an old collier looking for some 
 of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, 
 “Jan, what’s the mother done with the new 
 coal-sacks?” “Made pillows on ’em,” re- 
 plied the son. “ Confound her proud heart,” 
 rejoins the collier, “ why could she not take 
 th’ ould ones ? ” 
 
 MOUNTEBANK OF THE LAST CENTURY. 
 
 The following curious account is extracted 
 from “A Journey through England in 
 1723:”— 
 
 “ I cannot leave Winchester without tell- 
 ing you of a pleasant incident that happened 
 there. As I was sitting at the George Inn, 
 I saw a coach with six bay horses, a calash 
 and four, and a chaise and four enter the inn, 
 in a yellow livery turned up with red ; four 
 gentlemen on horseback, in blue trimmed 
 with silver ; and as yellow is the colour given 
 by the dukes in England, I went out to see 
 what duke it was : but there was no coronet 
 on the coach, only a plain coat-of-arms on 
 each, with this motto, 
 
 ‘ Argento laborat Faber.’ 
 
 Upon inquiry, I found this great equipage 
 belonged to a mountebank ; and that his 
 name being Smith, the motto was a pun 
 upon his name. The footmen in yellow were 
 his tumblers and trumpeters, and those in 
 blue his merry-andrew, his apothecary, and 
 spokesman. He was dressed in black velvet, 
 and had in his coach a woman that danced 
 on the ropes. He cures all diseases, and 
 sells his packets for sixpence apiece. He 
 erected stages in all the market-towns twenty 
 miles round ; and it is a prodigy how so 
 wise a people as the English are gulled by 
 such pickpockets. But his amusements on 
 the stage are worth the sixpence, without 
 the pills. In the morning he is dressed 
 up in a fine brocade night-gown, for his 
 chamber practice, where he gives advice, and 
 gets large fees.” 
 
102 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 FOOTIANA. 
 
 When Foote first opened the theatre in 
 the Haymarket, amongst other projects, he 
 proposed to entertain the public with an 
 imitation of cat music ; 'for this purpose he 
 engaged a man famous for his skill in 
 mimicking the mewing of cats. This person 
 was called “ Cat Harris.” He not attending 
 the rehearsal of this odd concert, Foote de- 
 sired Shuter would endeavour to find him 
 out, and bring him with him. Shuter was 
 directed to some court in the Minories, 
 where this extraordinary musician lived, but 
 not knowing the house, Shuter began a cat 
 solo ; upon this, the other looked out of the 
 window, and answered him with a cantata of 
 the same sort. “ Come along,” said Shuter, 
 “ I want no better information that you are 
 the man. Mr. Foote stays for us— we can- 
 not begin the cat opera without you.” 
 
 One night as Macklin -was preparing to 
 begin his lecture, and hearing a buzz in the 
 room, he spied Foote in a corner, talking and 
 laughing most immoderately. This he 
 thought a wrong time to rebuke him, as he 
 had not begun his lecture, and consequently 
 could not be subject to any criticism : he, 
 therefore, cried out, with some authority, 
 “Well, sir, you seem to be very merry 
 there; but do you know what I am going to 
 say now? ” “ No, sir,” said Foote, “ pray do 
 you ? ” 
 
 Foote walking up and down the rooms at 
 Bath, a gentleman with him asked a third a 
 lady’s name just then passing by them; to 
 which he replied, “ Brown, sir.” “Ay,” said 
 Foote, staring at the lady, “a lovely Brown 
 indeed.” 
 
 Foote -was once asked, why learned men 
 are to be found in rich men’s houses, and 
 rich men never to be seen in those of the 
 learned. “ Why,” said he, “ the first know 
 what they want, but the latter do not.” 
 
 Foote having satirised the Scotch pretty 
 severely, a gentleman asked, “ Why he hated 
 that nation so much.” “ You are mistaken,” 
 said Foote, “ I don’t hate the Scotch, neither 
 do I hate frogs, but I would have everything 
 keep to its native element.” 
 
 Foote praising the hospitality of the Irish, 
 after one of his trips to the sister kingdom, a 
 gentleman asked him whether he had ever 
 been at Cork. “ No, sir,” replied Foote ; 
 
 “ but I have seen many drawings of it.” 
 
 Foote took a house at Hammersmith that 
 was advertised to be completely furnished ; 
 but he had not been there long, before the 
 cook complained there was not a rolling-pin. 
 “No I” said he, “then bring me a saw, I 
 will soon make one;” which he accordingly 
 did of one of the mahogany bed- posts. The 
 next day it was discovered that a coal-scuttle 
 was wanted, when he supplied this de- 
 ficiency with a drawer from a curious japan 
 chest. A carpet being wanted in the par- 
 lour, he ordered a new white cotton counter- 
 pane to be laid, to save the boards. His 
 landlord paying him a visit, to enquire how 
 he liked his new residence, was greatly as- 
 
 tonished to find such disorder, as he con- 
 sidered it : he remonstrated with Foote, and 
 complained of the injury his furniture had 
 sustained ; but Foote insisted upon it, all the 
 complaint wa9 on his side, considering the 
 trouble he had been at to supply these neces- 
 saries, nothwithstanding he had advertised 
 his house completely furnished. The land- 
 lord now threatened the law, and Foote 
 threatened to take him off, saying an 
 auctioneer was a fruitful character. This 
 last consideration weighed with the landlord, 
 and he quietly put up with his loss. 
 
 When Foote heard of Sir Francis Blake 
 Delaval’s death, the shock of losing so inti- 
 mate a friend had such an effect on his 
 spirits that he burst into tears, retired to his 
 room, and saw no company for two days; 
 the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in 
 upon him, he asked him, with swollen eyes, 
 what time would the burial be? “Not'tili 
 next week, sir,” replied the other, “as I 
 hear the surgeons are first to dissect his 
 head.” This last word recovered the wit’s 
 fancy, and, repeating it with some surprise, 
 he asked, “And what will they get there? 
 I am sure,” said he, “ I have known poor 
 Frank these five-and- twenty years, and I 
 never could find anything in it.” 
 
 REBUKE. 
 
 “ Your hand annoys me exceedingly,” said 
 the Prince of La Roche to a talkative person 
 who was constantly suiting the action to the 
 word, as he sat next him at dinner. “ In- 
 deed, my Lord,” replied the babbler, “ we 
 are so crowded at table that I do not know 
 where to put my hand.” “Place it upon 
 your mouth,” said the Prince. 
 
 TIDE TO FORTUNE. 
 
 Willan, the great horse-contractor, and 
 late occupier of the Bull and Mouth Inn, in 
 the year 1745 was ostler at the Lion Inn, 
 at Barnet. The then Duke of Cumberland, 
 when on his route to the North, happened 
 to have a horse for his own riding brought 
 to him to look at, at the inn. His Royal 
 Highness had doubts of the horse answering 
 his purpose, and, with his usual good-humour, 
 asked everybody’s opinion, among others 
 Jack’s; and John immediately pronounced 
 him unfit. He was then requested by his 
 Royal Highness to assign his reasons, which 
 John stated. Upon this, the Duke asked 
 him whether he knew of a horse that he 
 could recommend, when John replied in the 
 affirmative, and brought a horse into the 
 inn-yard, which, upon trial, gave the Duke 
 much satisfaction. On the Duke’s return 
 from Scotland, he still found John an ostler, 
 and commending his skill in horseflesh, asked 
 him if he was disposed to take a contract 
 for furnishing a few artillery horses. John 
 bowed, and said he wanted the one thing 
 needful. This want his Royal Highness sup- 
 plied; and, from this circumstance, Willan, 
 when he died, had accumulated two hundred 
 thousand pounds. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 103 
 
 PRINCE LOUIS NAPOLEON’S DESCENT UPON 
 STRASBOURG. 
 
 It was in the autumn of 1836, during a 
 visit to the baths of Baden, that the half 
 Swiss adventurer, then in his twenty- ninth 
 vear, planned the first of those two mad en- 
 terprises that, till the other day, were his 
 sole title to historic notice. France, he con- 
 ceived, was at that time ripe for a new revo- 
 lution. Knowing, as Louis Blanc says, that 
 in times of uncertainty revolutions accom- 
 plish themselves according to the programme 
 that is laid down for them, and adopt what- 
 ever flag is offered, Louis Napoleon did not 
 doubt that a successful rising effected in his 
 favour in some frontier town and the neigh- 
 bouring district, would be tbe signal for a 
 general explosion, which would result in the 
 expulsion of the Orleans dynasty, and the 
 restoration of the Bonapartes. It was accord- 
 ingly resolved to make an attempt on the 
 frontier town of Strasbourg, the situation of 
 which made it more convenient for the pur- 
 pose than any other. On the 30th October, 
 1836, at five o’clock, on a cold snowy morn- 
 ing, tbe men of one of three artillery regi- 
 ments, which, with three regiments of infan- 
 try and one of engineers, constituted the 
 garrison of the town, found themselves drawn 
 up in the barrack-yard, having been sum- 
 moned from their beds by the trumpet-call . 
 They stood wondering what was to take 
 place, when seven or eight persons, in the 
 cosiume of French officers, entered the yard, 
 carrying a standard, surmounted by an 
 eagle. One of them came up hastily to the 
 colonel of the regiment, who forthwith pre- 
 sented him to the men as the nephew of the 
 Emperor, come, as he said, to place himself 
 at their head, and effect a great revolu- 
 tion in France. The trick was successful ; 
 the' speech of their colonel, the eagle, the 
 words and looks of Louis Napoleon, and es- 
 pecially his cocked Fat, hurried them away ; 
 the old Imperial shiver ran through their 
 veins; and a shout of “ Vive V EmpereurV 7 
 rang through the court -yard. Hastily the 
 regiment was set on march through the 
 town, with the band playing : windows were 
 opened, and heads popped out all along the 
 streets to see what was the matter ; and the 
 citizens unbarred their doors, and tumbling 
 out in twos and threes, followed the column. 
 At head- quarters, the general in command 
 of the town was arrested by the insurgents. 
 So far had all gone well ; but the tide was 
 soon turned. One of the infantry regiments, 
 occupying a barrack apart, acted more coolly 
 than their brothers the artillerymen — wa- 
 vered a little at first when Louis Napoleon 
 addressed them, but ultimately stood firm, 
 and prepared to give battle. Seeing the 
 cause lost, the Prince and his companions 
 surrendered, and the town was restored to 
 quiet. The government, on hearing of the 
 affair, lost no time in disposing of the of- 
 fenders. Louis Napoleon was conveyed as a 
 prisoner to Paris, but, in two hours after his 
 arrival, was sent off under guard to the coast, 
 
 to be shipped for America. The persona 
 that had been arrested with him, including 
 tbe insurgent colonel, were reserved for trial, 
 but were ultimately acquitted by an Alsace 
 jury. 
 
 SANG FROID. 
 
 At the theatre at Rennes one evening, 
 when an immense crowd had assembled to 
 see Potier, a female fell from the gallery into 
 the pit, in her haste to obtain a front seat. 
 Numbers, of course, hastened to her assist- 
 ance, and on anxiously inquiring as to her 
 state, were surprised to get for answer — “Ah, 
 mon Dieu! moi qui avais une si bonne place.” 
 
 PROFITABLE JUGGLING. 
 
 Some time ago, a professor of legerdemain 
 entertained an audience in a village, which 
 was principally composed of colliers. After 
 “ astonishing the natives” with various tricks 
 — metamorphosing wine into water, &c. — he 
 asked the loan of a halfpenny from any of 
 his admirers. A collier, with a little hesita- 
 tion, handed out the coin, which the juggler 
 speedily exhioited, as he said, transformed 
 into a guinea. “ An’ is that my bawbee ? ” 
 exclaimed the collier. “ Undoubtedly,” an- 
 swered the juggler. “ Let ’s see ’t” said the 
 collier ; and turning it round and round in 
 examination, with an ecstacy of delight, 
 thanked the juggler for his kindness, and, 
 putting it into his pocket, said, “ I’se warn’t 
 ye’ll no turn’t into a bawbee again.” 
 
 LORD ELDON AND THE PRINCE REGENT. 
 
 Lord Chancellor Eldon lived in No. 6, Bed- 
 ford-square, from 1804 to 1815, and here oc- 
 curred the memorable interview between his 
 Lordship and the Prince Regent, afterwards 
 George IV. The Prince came alone to the 
 Chancellor’s house, and, upon the servant 
 opening the door, observed, that, as his Lord- 
 ship had the gout, he knew he must be at 
 home, and therefore desired that he might be 
 shown up to the room where the Chancellor 
 was. The servant said he was too ill to be 
 seen, and that he had also positive orders to 
 show in no one. The Prince then asked to 
 be shown the staircase, which he immediately 
 ascended, and pointed first to one door, then 
 to another, asking, “ Is that your master’s 
 room! ” The servant answered “No,” until 
 he came to the right one ; upon which he 
 opened the door, seated himself by the Chan- 
 cellor’s bedside, and asked him to appoint his 
 friend Jekyll, the great wit, to the vacant 
 office of Master in Chancery. The Chan- 
 cellor refused — there could be no more unfit 
 appointment. The Prince, perceiving the 
 humour of the Chancellor, and that he was 
 firm in his determination not to appoint him, 
 threw himself back in the chair, and ex- 
 claimed, “ How I do pity Lady Eldon ! ” 
 
 “ Good Heaven ! ” said the Chancellor, “what 
 is the matter? ” “Oh, nothing,” answered 
 the Prince, “ except that she will never see 
 you again, for here I remain until you promise 
 to make J ekyll a Master in Chancery.” Je- 
 kyll, of course, obtained the appointment. 
 
104 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 ADDISON AND MONTAIGNE. 
 
 When Addison lodged in Kensington- 
 square, he read over some of Montaigne’s 
 “ Essays,” and finding little or no informa- 
 tion in the chapters of what their titles pro- 
 mised, he closed the book more confused than 
 satisfied. “ What think you of this famous 
 French author ? ” said a gentleman present. 
 “ Think ? ” said he, smiling : “ why that a 
 pair of manacles, or a stone doublet, would 
 probably have been of some service to that 
 author’s infirmity.” “Would you imprison 
 a man for singularity in writing? ” “Why, 
 let me tell you,” replied Addison, “if he had 
 been a horse he would have been pounded 
 for straying, and why he ought to be more 
 favoured because he is a man, I cannot un- 
 derstand.” 
 
 BEADY ANSWER. 
 
 During the Irish rebellion, a handsome 
 young woman, the servant of a Mrs. Lett, in 
 Wexford, who was considered as a great pa- 
 triot (rebel), was sitting one summer’s even- 
 ing at her mistress’ window, singing words 
 to certain airs, which were not regarded as 
 orthodox by the opposite party. The Mar- 
 quis of Ely, with the High Sheriff and other 
 gentlemen of the county, were returning, after 
 their wine, from the Grand Jury, and heard 
 the young siren warbling at the window. 
 But as the strain sounded in their ears of 
 a rebellious tendency, it was thought ad- 
 visable to demolish the fragile parts of Mrs. 
 Lett’s house-front, without delay; and, 
 accordingly, my Lord, the High Sheriff, 
 and their friends, to preserve the Constitu- 
 tion from all traitorous maid-servants, forth- 
 with commenced proceedings: and stones 
 being the weapons nearest at hand, the 
 windows and the warbling maid received 
 a broadside, which was of great utility to 
 the glazier, and had well nigh put fees into 
 the pockets, not only of the surgeon, but 
 of the sexton and coroner. However, on this 
 occasion, justice was not so far off as the 
 parties had been persuaded ; my Lord, the 
 High Sheriff, and others, being indicted and 
 tried. His Lordship’s counsel did their best 
 for their noble client, and tried to mystify 
 the singer ; but the Marquis, conceiving their 
 delicacy too great in reference to this wit- 
 ness, requested permission to ask her a few 
 questions himself, which was granted. 
 “Now girl,” said the Marquis, “ by the oath 
 you have taken, did you not say you would 
 split my skull open?” 
 
 “Why, then, by the virtue of my oath,” 
 said the girl, turning to the judge, “ it would 
 not be worth my while to split his skull open, 
 my Lord.” 
 
 “ Ha, ha ! ” said the Marquis, “ now I have 
 her” (supposing that she made some allusion 
 to a reward for killing him). “ And why, 
 girl, would it not be worth your while ? ” 
 “Because, my Lord,” answered she, “if I 
 had split his skull open, by virtue of my oath, 
 
 I am sure and certain I should have found 
 nothing inside of it” The laugh against the 
 noble Marquis was now too great to admit 
 
 of his proceeding with the cross-examina- 
 tion. He was found guilty, and fined. 
 
 DEATH OF WILBERFORCE. 
 
 On April 20, 1833, Wilberforce left East 
 Farleigh ; and after a short visit to the Isle 
 of Wight, on May 17, arrived at Bath, to the 
 waters of which place he, in great measure, 
 owed the prolongation of his life to his 
 seventy-fourth year. But here his strength 
 visibly declined ; and all his thoughts and 
 conversation began to savour of tbe better 
 world to which he was drawing near. On 
 July 6 he was taken ill, suddenly, while 
 sitting at dinner ; he partially recovered, and 
 after he had spent two months at Bath, on 
 July 17 left for London, and on the 19th 
 arrived in Cadogan-place, Sloane-street. 
 The Bill for the Abolition of Slavery was 
 read for the second time in the House of Com- 
 mons on the night of Friday, the 26th, and 
 the last public information that he received, 
 was, that his country was willing to redeem 
 itself from the national disgrace at any sacri- 
 fice. “ Thank God,” said he, “ that I should 
 live to witness a day in which England is 
 willing to give 20 millions sterling for the 
 abolition of slavery.” During an interval 
 on Sunday evening, “ I am in a very dis- 
 tressed state,” he said, alluding apparently 
 to his bodily condition. “Yes,” it was 
 answered, “ but you have your feet on the 
 Rock.” “ I do not venture,” he replied, “ to 
 speak so positively; but I hope I have.’* 
 After this expression of his humble trust, 
 with but one groan he entered into that 
 world where pain and doubt are for ever at 
 an end. He died at three o’clock in the 
 morning of Monday, July 29th, aged seventy- 
 three years and eleven months. He was 
 buried in Westminster Abbey, on Saturday,. 
 August o, the procession being joined by the 
 leading members of the two Houses of Par- 
 liament. Public business was suspended;, 
 the Speaker of the House of Commons, the 
 Lord Chancellor, one Prince of the blood, 
 with others of the highest rank, took their 
 place as pall-bearers beside the bier. It was 
 followed by his sons, his relations, and imme- 
 diate friends. The Prebendary then in re- 
 sidence, one of his few surviving college 
 friends, met it at the Minster Gate with the 
 Church funeral office ; and whilst the vaulted 
 roof gave back tbe anthem, his body ■was 
 laid in the north transept, close to the tombs 
 of Pitt, Fox, and Canning. 
 
 A subscription was immediately opened 
 among Mr. Wilberforce’s friends in London;, 
 and his statue has been placed in Westminster 
 Abbey. At York, a county asylum for the 
 blind has been founded in honour of him ; 
 while his townsmen of Hull have raised a 
 column to his memory. Great part of our 
 coloured population in the West Indies went 
 into mourning at the news of his death ; 
 and the same honour was paid him by this 
 class of persons at New York, where also an 
 eulogium was pronounced upon him by a; 
 person publicly selected for the task. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 105 
 
 JOHN ADAMS. 
 
 Prior to his appearance in Congress, Adams 
 had obtained great celebrity at the bar. He 
 defended Captain Preston, prosecuted for 
 firing on the people, in 1770. Indeed, the 
 ablest advocate on the floor was John 
 Adams, “who poured forth his passionate 
 appeals in language which moved his hearers 
 from their sea ts.” He was, as J efferson called 
 him, “The Colossus of the Congress,* and 
 his speech in support of the Declaration is 
 above all praise. This is the way he would 
 commence, with his accustomed directness 
 and earnestness : “ Sink or swim, live or 
 die, survive or perish, I give my hand 
 and my heart to this vote. It is true, 
 indeed, that in the beginning we aimed 
 not at independence; ‘but there is a Di- 
 vinity which shapes our ends.’ Independ- 
 ence is now within our grasp. We have 
 but to reach forth to it, and it is ours. 
 Why then should we defer the Declaration ? 
 For myself, having, twelve months ago, in 
 this place, moved you, that George Washing- 
 ton be appointed Commander of the Forces, 
 raised or to be raised, for defence of American 
 liberty, may my right hand forget her cun- 
 ning, and my tongue cleave to the roof of 
 my mouth, if I hesitate or waver in the sup- 
 port I give him ! The war, then, must go 
 on. We must fight it through. And if the 
 war must go on, why put off longer the 
 Declaration of Independence? 
 
 Sir, I know the uncertainty of human affairs ; 
 but I see, I see clearly, through this day’s 
 business. You and I, indeed, may rue it. 
 We may not live to the time when this De- 
 claration shall be made good. We may die ! 
 die colonists! die slaves! die, it may be, 
 ignominiously, and on the scaffold ! Be it so 
 — be it so. If it be the pleasure of Heaven 
 that my country should require the poor 
 offering of my life, the victim shall be ready 
 at the appointed hour of sacrifice, come when 
 that hour may. But while I do live, let me 
 have a country, or at least the hope of a 
 country, and that a free country. . . But, 
 
 whatever may be our fate, be assured, be 
 assured that this Declaration will stand. It 
 may cost treasure, it may cost blood ; but it 
 will stand, and it will richly compensate for 
 both. Through the thick gloom of the present 
 I see the brightness of the future, as the sun 
 in heaven. We shall make this a glorious, 
 an immortal day. When we are in our 
 graves, our children will honour it. They 
 will celebrate it with thanksgiving, with fes- 
 tivity, with bonfires, and illuminations. On 
 its annual return they will shed tears — 
 copious, gushing tears — not of subjection and 
 slavery — not of agony and distress, but of 
 exultation, of gratitude, and of joy. Sir, 
 before heaven, I believe the hour is come. 
 My judgment approves this measure, and 
 my whole heart is in it. All that I have, 
 and all that I am, and all that 1 hope in this 
 life, I am now ready here to stake upon it ; 
 and I leave off as I began — that, live or die, 
 survive or perish, I am for the Declaration. 
 
 It is my living sentiment ; and, by the bless- 
 ing of heaven, it shall be my dying senti- 
 ment; independence now , and Independ- 
 ence for ever !” 
 
 garth’s patients. 
 
 Dr. Garth, who was one of the Kit-Kat. 
 Club, coming there one night, declared he 
 must soon be gone, having many patients to 
 attend ; but, some good wine being produced, 
 he forgot them. When Sir Richard Steele 
 reminded him of his appointments, Garth 
 immediately pulled out his list, which 
 amounted to fifteen, and said, “ It’s no 
 great matter whether I see them to-night or 
 not, for nine of them have such bad consti- 
 tutions, that all the physicians in the world 
 can’t save them, and the other six have such 
 good constitutions, that all the physicians 
 in the world can’t kill them.” 
 
 INTENSE EFFECT. 
 
 Pacchierotti, on one occasion, when play- 
 ing at Rome the character of Arbaces , pro- 
 nounced the three words “ Eppui sono inno- 
 cente” in so touching a manner, that the 
 very orchestra stopped ; a short symphony, 
 which should have immediately succeeded 
 his declaration of innocence, was neglected ; 
 and, on his demanding, somewhat angrily, of 
 the leader what be and his subordinates were 
 about, the flattering answer was, “ Sir, we are 
 weeping.” 
 
 LOST AND FOUND 
 
 Some gentlemen of a Bible Association 
 calling upon an old woman to see if she had 
 a bible, were severely reproved with the 
 spiritual reply, “Do you think, gentlemen, 
 that I am a heathen, that you should ask me 
 such a question ?” Then, addressing a little 
 girl, she said, “ Run and fetch the bible out 
 of my drawer, that I may show it to the gen- 
 tlemen.” The gentlemen declined giv.ng 
 her the trouble, but she insisted on giving 
 them ocular demonstration. Accordingly, 
 the bible was brought, nicely covered; and, 
 on opening it, the old woman exclaimed, 
 “ Well, how glad I am you have come • here 
 are my spectacles, that I have been looking 
 for these three years , and didn’t know where 
 to find ’em.” 
 
 CHATHAM’S COMMAND OF THE HOUSE. 
 
 An extraordinary instance of Lord Chat- 
 ham’s command of the House is the manner 
 in which he fixed indelibly on Mr. Grenville 
 the appellation of “ the Gentle Shepherd.”' 
 At the time in question a song of Dr. How- 
 ard’s, which began with the words, 
 
 “ Gentle shepherd, tell me where,” 
 each stanza ending with that line, was in 
 every mouth. In the course of the debate 
 Mr. Grenville exclaimed, “Where is our 
 money ? where are our means ? I say again. 
 Where are our means ? where is our money ?” 
 He then sat down, and Lord Chatham passed 
 slowly out of the house, humming the line— 
 “ Gentle shepherd, tell me where.” 
 
106 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 TALENT NOT HEREDITARY. 
 
 The Earl of Cork being under the cor- 
 rection of his schoolmaster, received the fol- 
 lowing reproachful accompaniment with the 
 rod: — “One of your ancestors invented an 
 orrery,* and anotberof them gave to the world 
 a translation of Pliny ; but you, I fear, will 
 never invent anything but mischief, nor 
 translate anything but an idle boy into a 
 foolish man : so that, instead of myrtle, you 
 shall be honoured with birch.” 
 
 A REASON. 
 
 Some one asking Mr. Curran why a 
 countryman of his walked about London with 
 his tougue out of his mouth, he said that 
 he “ supposed he did so in hopes to catch the 
 English accent.” 
 
 ORIGIN OF THE “BEGGAR’S OPERA.” 
 
 At Schomberg House, Pall-mall, was first 
 concocted the dramatic scheme of the “Beg- 
 gar’s Opera.” It was originally proposed to 
 Swift to be named the “Newgate Opera,” 
 as the first thought of writing such a gross 
 and immoral drama originated with him. 
 Swift, also, who was an ardent admirer of 
 the poetic talents of Gay, delighted to quote 
 his Devonshire pastorals, they being very 
 characteristic of low, rustic life, and congenial 
 to his taste ; for the pen of the Dean revelled 
 in vulgarity. Under the influence of such 
 notions, he proposed to Gay to bestow his 
 thoughts upon the subject, which he felt 
 assured would turn to good account, namely, 
 that of writing a work, to be entitled “ A 
 Newgate Pastoral ;” adding, “ and I will, 
 sub rosd, afford you my best assistance.” This 
 scheme was talked over at Queensberry 
 House, and Gay commenced it, but it was 
 soon dropped, with something of disgust. It 
 was ultimately determined that he should 
 commence upon the “ Beggar’s Opera.” This 
 scheme was approved, and written forthwith, 
 under the auspices of the Duchess, and per- 
 formed at the theatre in Lincoln’s-inn-fields, 
 under the immediate influence of her Grace ; 
 who, to induce the manager. Rich, to bring 
 it upon his stage, agreed to indemnify him 
 all the expenses he might incur, provided 
 that the daring speculation should fail. The 
 offer had first been proposed to Fleetwood 
 and his partners, at Drury- Lane Theatre ; 
 but it was at once rejected by them, as a 
 piece that would not be tolerated by a public 
 audience: indeed, they stoutly refused it a 
 rehearsal. The success of the “Beggar’s 
 Opera” mainly depended upon two points — 
 the hatred of one part} r against the Italian 
 Opera, and the hatred of another party 
 against the Court. The ridicule of sing-song, 
 united with operatical acting, was complete, 
 and the satire levelled in the original against 
 the King, the Queen, and the Court, by Gay, 
 
 * The schoolmaster himself deserves correction 
 here; the orrery bei or named after the Earl of 
 Orrery, and not invented by him, and for whom 
 the first instrument of the kind was made. 
 
 who was a disappointed courtier, was too 
 bitter, too witty, not to be felt. It was re- 
 ceived with applause. 
 
 CONSOLATION UNDER DIFFICULTIES. 
 
 Joseph Lancaster carried his enthusiastic 
 and imaginative temperament into every- 
 thing he did ; or, as hi3 biographer says, 
 “ carries the same spirit into the world with 
 him, and applies it, without discrimination, 
 to his pecuniary circumstances. He is 
 pressed for money, but he cannot believe 
 that, ‘ if the Almighty had designed the edu- 
 cation of the poor of London, a few poor piti- 
 less creditors can prevent it;’ only let the 
 eyes of his friends be opened, and they will 
 see ‘the mountain full of horses of fire, 
 and of chariots of fire, round about Eli- 
 jah.’ He is in ‘watch and ward,’ ar- 
 rested for debt, and in a sponging-house ; 
 he has been there three days, and no one has 
 been to see him ; but he is ‘ as happy as 
 Joseph was in the King’s prison in Egypt.’ 
 Corston, his friend, visits him, and stays an 
 hour or two with him. ‘ After his departure, 
 he rang for the sheriff’s oflicer to take him 
 to the Bench, but obtained leave to call at 
 home on their way thither. When he got 
 home, his wife and child, and all his young 
 monitors were assembled, overwhelmed with 
 grief, because he was going to prison. After 
 being with them a little, he opened the par- 
 lour door, and said to the man, ‘Friend, when 
 I am at home I read the Scriptures to mv 
 family; hast thou any objection to come 
 in?’ He replied, ‘No, sir,’ and went in. 
 After he had read a chapter or two, he went 
 to prayer. The man soon became deeply 
 affected, and joined the common grief. After 
 prayer, the man returned into the other room, 
 and Joseph in a few minutes said to him, 
 
 ‘ Now, ffiend, I am ready for thee.’ They 
 had not gone many paces from the door, 
 when the man said, ‘ Sir, have you got no 
 friend to be bound for you for this debt?’ 
 Joseph replied, ‘No; I have toed them all.’ 
 
 ‘ Well,’ replied the man, ‘ then I’ll be bound 
 for you myself, for you are an honest man, I 
 know.’ He surrendered him at the King’s 
 Bench, and they took his security for the 
 debt. ‘About ten o’clock next morning,’ 
 says Mr. Corston, ‘he came jumping into 
 my warehouse, at Ludgate-hill, saying, 
 “Ah, friend William, did I not tell thee 
 that thou wast not to assist me this 
 time ?” * This arrest brought matters to a 
 crisis. A friendly docket was struck against 
 him, and his creditors were called together. 
 The result was, that in 1808 his affairs 
 were transferred to trustees, a fixed sum was 
 allowed for his private expenses, a correct ac- 
 count of all receipts and expenditure was for 
 the first time kept; and shortly after an 
 Association was formed, originally entitled 
 ‘The Royal Lancasterian Institution for pro- 
 moting the Education of the Children of the 
 Poor,’ and subsequently, for the sake of greater 
 simplicity, comprehension, and brevity, ‘The 
 British and Foreign School Society.’ ” 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 107 
 
 A COOL HAND. 
 
 A young neck-or-nothing Oxonian hav- 
 ing prevailed on his uncle to accompany him 
 in his gig to Oxford, in passing through 
 Kensington, the old gentleman observed, He 
 had paid his nephew a great compliment, for 
 that was only the fifth time he had ever 
 been in a gig in his life. The nephew 
 replied, that his horse beat him hollow, for 
 he had never been in one at all before that 
 day. 
 
 GUTTING THE FISH. 
 
 One evening, a red-headed Connaught 
 swell, of no small aristocratic pretensions in 
 his own eyes, sent his servant, whom he had 
 just imported from the long-horned king- 
 dom, in all the rough majesty of a creature 
 fresh from the “wilds,” to purchase a hun- 
 dred of oysters on the City-quay. Paddy 
 staid so long away, that Squire Trigger got 
 quite impatient and unhappy lest his “ body 
 man” might have slipt into the Liffey; 
 however, to his infinite relief Paddy soon 
 made his appearance, puffing and blowing 
 like a disabled bellows, but carrying his load 
 seemingly in great triumph. “ Well, Pat,” 
 cried the master, “ what the devil kept you 
 so long ?” “ LoDg ! ah thin, may be it’s what 
 you’d have me to come home with half my 
 arrant?” says Pat. “Half the oysters?” 
 says the master. “ No ; but too much of 
 the fish” says Pat. “What fish?” says 
 he. “The oysters, to be sure,” says Pat. 
 “What do you mean, blockhead?” savs he. 
 “I mean,” says Pat, “that there was no 
 use in loading myself with more nor was 
 useful.” “ Will you explain yourself,” says 
 he. “I will,” says Pat, laying down his 
 load. “ Well, then, you see, plaise your 
 honour, as I was coming home along the 
 quay, mighty peaceable, who should 1 meet 
 but Shammus Maginus : ‘Good morrow, Sha- 
 mien,’ sis I ; ‘ Good morrow, kindly, Pau- 
 deen,’sishe; ‘What is it you have in the 
 sack?’ sis he; ‘A hundred of oysters,’ sis I; 
 ‘Let us look at them,’ sis he; ‘I will, and 
 welcome,’ sis I ; « Orrah ! thunder and pra- 
 tees !’ sis he, opening the sack, and examinin 
 them, who sow/d you these?’ ‘One Tom 
 Kinahan that keeps a small ship there be- 
 low,’ sis I ; ‘ Musha then, bad luck to that 
 same Tom that sowld the likes to you,’ sis 
 he; ‘Arrah, why avick?’ sis 1 ; ‘ To make a 
 bolsour ov you an give them to you with- 
 out gutting thim,’ sis he; ‘An arn’t they 
 gutted, Jim, aroon,’ sis I ; ‘ Oh ! bad luck to 
 the one o’ thim,’ sis he ; ‘Musha then,’ says 
 1, ‘ what the dhoul will I do at all at all ? 
 fur the master will be mad;’ ‘Do!’ sis he, 
 ‘why I’d rather do the thing for you rnysel, 
 nor you should lose your place,’ sis he ; so 
 wid that he begins to gut them wid his knife, 
 tiate and clain ; an afeered ov dirtying the 
 begor, he swallowed the guts him- 
 self from beginnin to ind, tal he had thim as 
 acent as you see thim here ” — dashing down 
 a ms master’s feet his bag of oyster-shells, 
 to the no small amazement of the Connaught 
 worthy, as you may suppose. 
 
 TRAVELLING IN FRANCE. 
 
 A great deal of rudeness is occasionally 
 experienced at tables d'hote in France. At 
 Bagnbres de Bigorre, Lady Chatterton re- 
 lates : “ We laughed a good* deal at a scene 
 we witnessed at the table d’hote yesterday, 
 where a Frenchman, after helping himself to 
 all the best pieces of the roast fowl, turned 
 to the lady next him, and said, with a most 
 insinuating smile, ‘ Madame ne mange pas 
 de volaille.’ ” 
 
 general generalissimo. 
 
 Bayle tells us of a General of the Jesuits 
 at Rome, once exulting of his greatness and 
 his order, who thus expressed himself to a 
 friend: — “I will tell you, in this very 
 chamber, I govern Rome — what am I talk- 
 ing about ? Rome ! I govern all Italy — what 
 do I say ? Italy ! I govern all Europe it- 
 self; and not Europe alone, but the whole 
 world.” 
 
 MR. HUSKISSON AND FREE TRADE. 
 
 The following dialogue, in his own hand- 
 writing, and bearing various marks of cor- 
 rection in the same, was found among Mr. 
 Huskisson’s MS. papers ; and as there is 
 every reason to believe it to have been his 
 own composition, it is inserted as a specimen 
 of that easy playfulness which has been men- 
 tioned as one of the charms of his private 
 society. 
 
 . 44 Fraternal Dialogue between John Bull and 
 his brother Jonathan. {Date July, 1825.)— 
 Jonathan. You are a very good and constant 
 customer , J ohn, at my shop, for flour, hoops, 
 staves, and many other articles of my trade ; 
 you are good pay, and I’m always glad to 
 deal with you.— John. I believe all you say. 
 
 I wish to continue a good customer; but I 
 must say your mode of dealing with me is 
 rather hard. Every time I travel to, or send 
 to your shop (Sunday or not), I am obliged 
 to pay double toll at the turnpike-gate, which 
 is close before it. — Jon. You need not thke 
 that trouble. I prefer sending my goods to 
 my customers by my own porters; and as 
 they are always ready and punctual in deli- 
 vering the packages, I do not see why you 
 should complain. — John. I complain because 
 my own cart and horses have nothing to do, 
 and my people are upon the poor-rate, whilst 
 1 am paying you for porterage. I will not 
 go on in this way. — Jon. Well, we will con- 
 sider of it next Christmas, when the part- 
 ners in our firm meet to talk over the con- 
 cern. (John remains patient for another 
 year ; when, finding the Sunday toll still 
 continued, he asks what brother Jonathan 
 and his firm have decided? (July, 1826.) 
 Jon. We have resolved to grant a new lease 
 of the tolls, without making any alteration 
 in the terms. — John. You have! Then I 
 withdraw my custom. — Jon. The devil you 
 do ! {Aside.) We mistook him for a more 
 patient ass than he proves to be. How shall 
 we contrive to bring him back to our 
 shop?” 
 
108 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 PRINCE LOUIS NAPOLEON’S DESCENT UPON 
 BOULOGNE. 
 
 On Sunday, the 4th of August, 1840, a 
 small hired steamer, the City of Edinburgh, 
 Captain Crow, commander, dropped down 
 the Thames from London, with what seemed 
 a pleasure-party of foreigners on board. 
 There were about sixty passengers in all, 
 including Prince Louis Napoleon, his gentle- 
 men, grooms, lacqueys, &c. ; and the place 
 of destination was said to be Hamburgh. 
 But when the steamer was out at sea on the 
 5th, the Prince harangued his companions, 
 told them the object of the voyage, distributed 
 money among them, and caused them all to 
 ut on false French uniforms which he had 
 rought with him. Captain Crow received 
 orders to make for Boulogne ; and during the 
 rest of the voyage, the cabin was the scene 
 of feasting and uproar. Captain Crow had 
 never seen people drink so much, he after- 
 wards deposed in the w itness-box ; and poor 
 Hobbs the steward did nothing all night but 
 draw corks. By midnight, the steamer was 
 off the French coast, and at six o’clock on 
 the morning of the 6th the party landed at 
 Yimereux, near Boulogne. Having formed 
 in marching order, they set out for the town, 
 the Prince at their head, after him an officer 
 carrying a gilt eagle, and then the men in 
 uniform. The Prince had with him a sum 
 of 500,000 francs (£20,000) in bank-notes 
 and gold; his companions likewise carried 
 bags of money and bottles of rum. Other 
 parts of the furniture of the expedition were 
 a live eagle, which, however, never made its 
 appearance; and copies of three proclama- 
 tions privately printed in England, one ad- 
 dressed to the French people, another to the 
 army, and a third to the department of Pas- 
 de-Calais. Passing a custom-house station, 
 where the men would have nothing to do 
 ■with them, the band, with a crowd of fisher- 
 men, children, &c., hallooing in their train, 
 reached Boulogne, the garrison of which con- 
 sisted of two companies of the 42d line. The 
 soldiers were at breakfast in the barracks 
 when the party entered. Rum was distri- 
 buted as well as money ; the soldiers were 
 ordered to cry “ Vive I'Empereur and Louis 
 Napoleon, addressing them, promised them 
 promotion if they would join him. Totally 
 confused and bewildered, and seeing one of 
 their own lieutenants in the Prince’s com- 
 pany, the soldiers offered no resistance; 
 some cried “ Vive I'Empereur !" uncertain, as 
 afterwards appeared, whether to believe the 
 person before them to be the Emperor him- 
 self come back, or his son, or only his 
 nephew. By the presence of mind of a ser- 
 geant, however, any decided act of adhesion 
 was prevented; and meanwhile, the alarm 
 having been given, the colonel and other 
 officers rushed to the barracks. The parley- 
 ing now gave way to vehement altercation ; 
 the soldiers gathered round their officers; 
 the Prince fired a pistol at the colonel, miss- 
 ing his aim, but wounding a soldier in the 
 neck ; and, at last, totally defeated in their 
 
 object, the whole party left the barracks, and 
 took to their heels through the town, shower- 
 ing pieces of money among the crowd that 
 ran after them. The Prince seemed out of 
 his senses ; he ran at the head of his little 
 band, brandishing his cocked-hat which he 
 had stuck on the point of his sword, and 
 crying out “ Vive I'Empereur !" Meanwhile 
 the soldiers had set out in pursuit ; and with 
 little difficulty the whole party was captured. 
 
 Brought to trial before the Chamber of 
 Peers, the prisoners were found guilty, and 
 condemned as follows : the Prince to perpe- 
 tual imprisonment ; his chief associates, such 
 as Count Montholon, M. de Parquin, and M. 
 de Persigny, to twenty years’ detention ; and 
 the minor culprits, such as Dr. Conneau, to 
 lesser terms of the same punishment. The 
 Prince escaped from confinement, in the dis- 
 guise of a labourer, on the 25th of May, 1846. 
 
 LOVE AND COOKERY. 
 
 The Earl of Peterborough, whilst in Spain, 
 once pointed some artillery against a convent 
 in which a beautiful woman of rank had 
 taken refuge, so that, by terrifying her to 
 come forth, he might obtain a view of her 
 admirable person. 
 
 Cookery was quite as much the Earl’s 
 hobby as war. It appears to have been 
 far from unusual for him to assist at the 
 preparation of a feast over which he was 
 about to preside ; and, when at Bath, he was 
 occasionally seen about the streets, in his 
 blue ribbon and star, carrying a chicken in 
 his hand, and a cabbage, perhaps, under each 
 arm. 
 
 BEAUTIFUL BALLAD SINGER. 
 
 In Gay’s time, there was a young creature 
 among the ballad-singers, known to the world 
 by no other title than Clara, who drew much 
 attention at this time by the sweetness and 
 pathos of her tones. She was the original 
 singer of “Black-eyed Susan,” and one or 
 two songs which were afterwards introduced 
 into the “ Beggar’s Opera ;” but her recom- 
 mendation to particular notice was the cir- 
 cumstance of her being for many years the 
 object of Bolingbroke’s enthusiastic affection. 
 The poor girl strayed for some time, during 
 which his Lordship had not seen her : it was 
 after this interval, that, meeting her, he ad- 
 dressed to her the following tender lines, be- 
 ginning— 
 
 “ Dear, thoughtless Clara, to my verse at- 
 tend, 
 
 Believe for once the lover and the friend.”' 
 And concluding thus : 
 
 “ To virtue thus, and to thyself restored, 
 
 By all admired, by one alone adored : 
 
 Be to thy Harry ever kind and true. 
 
 And live for him who more than died for 
 you.” 
 
 A series of calamities totally ruined her 
 vocal powers, and she afterwards subsisted 
 by the sale of oranges at the Court of Re- 
 quests. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 109 
 
 TRAFALGAR. 
 
 In the battle of Trafalgar, an officer was 
 wounded by a grape-shot entering the abdo- 
 men, and the surgeon candidly assured him 
 that he had but a short time to live. The 
 officer desired that some person would lend 
 him a shirt “ to caulk himself with, while he 
 made his will.” This was furnished, and 
 he stuffed it into his side, while he thus ad - 
 dressed his friend : — “ You know that my poor 
 mother depends solely on my exertions : take 
 notice how many ships have struck before I 
 die, and mind that she shares for them.” 
 
 de foe’s wit. 
 
 Daniel De Foe said there was only this 
 difference between the fates of Charles the 
 First and his son James the Second; that 
 the former was a wet martyrdom, and the 
 other a dry one. 
 
 When Sir Richard Steele was made a 
 member of the Commons, it was expected 
 from his ingenious writings that he would 
 have been an admirable orator ; hut it not 
 proving so, De Foe said, “ He had better have 
 continued the Spectator than the Tatler .” 
 
 FIRST WAGGON AND POST-CHAISES. 
 
 Joseph Brasbridge, writing in 1824, says- 
 — “I recollect the first broad-wheeled waggon 
 that was used in Oxfordshire, and a wonder- 
 ing crowd of spectators it attracted. I be- 
 lieve at that time there was not a post-chaise 
 in England, except two-wheeled ones. Lamps 
 to carriages are also a modern improvement. 
 A shepherd, who was keeping sheep in the 
 vicinity of a village in Oxfordshire, came 
 running over to say that a frightful monster, 
 with saucer eyes, and making a great blow- 
 ing noise, was coming towards the village. 
 This monster turned out to be a post-chaise 
 with two- lamps.” 
 
 THEATRICAL WIT. 
 
 Hatton, who was a considerable favourite 
 at tbe Haymarket Theatre, and particularly 
 in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at 
 •Gosport, performing the character of Barba - 
 rossa. In the scene when the tyrant makes 
 love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his 
 services against the enemies of her kingdom, 
 he was at a loss, and could not catch the 
 word from the prompter. Another moment 
 and a terrific hiss would have driven him 
 from the stage, when, seeing the house 
 crowded with sailors, and regardless of the 
 gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all 
 the energy of tragedy — 
 
 “ Did not I, 
 
 By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith as- 
 sisted, 
 
 And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson, 
 Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders 
 From Egypt’s shores? ” 
 
 The jolly tars thought that it was all in his 
 part, and cheered the actor with three rounds 
 of applause. 
 
 CLASSIC FELONY. 
 
 Sir John Hayward was imprisoned by 
 order of Queen Elizabeth, on account of some 
 things advanced in his “ Life and Reign of 
 Henry IY. She applied to Bacon to see if 
 he could discover any passages that were 
 treasonable ; but his reply was, that “ for 
 treason he found none, but for felony very 
 many” which he explained by saying that 
 the author had stolen many sentences from 
 Tacitus, and translated them into English. 
 
 INVENTION OF SHOT. 
 
 The expedient of throwing shot from a 
 tower, to preserve its globular form, was first 
 hit upon by a Bristol plumber, of the name 
 of Watts, in the year 1782 ; the experiment 
 being first tried from the Tower of St. 
 Mary, Redcliffe. Watts subsequently sold 
 his patent to the eminent firm of Walker, 
 Maltby, and Co., and with the money com- 
 menced making excavations and building 
 walls to form a crescent at Clifton. The 
 foundations were scarcely completed, when 
 his fortune was expended, and the spot, 
 for many years, bore the designation of 
 “ Watts’s Folly.” 
 
 SOMERSET HOUSE AND LORD NELSON. 
 
 Mr. P. Cunningham, in his “Hand-book 
 for London,” relates: — A little above the 
 entrance door to the office of Stamps and 
 Taxes, in Somerset House, is a white watch 
 face, regarding which the popular belief has 
 been, and is, that it was left there by a la- 
 bouring man who fell from a scaffold at the 
 top of the building, and was only saved from 
 destruction by the ribbon of his watch, which 
 caught in a piece of projecting work. In 
 thankful remembrance (so the story runs) of 
 his wonderful escape, he afterwards desired 
 that his watch might be placed as near as 
 possible to the spot where his life had been 
 saved. Such is the story told fifty times a 
 week to groups of gaping listeners — a story 
 I am sorry to disturb, for the watch of the 
 labouring man is nothing more than a watch 
 face placed by the Royal Society as a meri- 
 dian mark for a portable transit instrument 
 in one of the windows of their ante-rooms. 
 To this account of Somerset House, I may 
 add a little circumstance of interest which I 
 was told by an old clerk on the establishment 
 of the Audit-office. “ When I first came to 
 this building,” he said, “ I was in the habit 
 of seeing, for many mornings, a thin spare 
 naval officer, with only one arm, enter the 
 vestibule at a smart step, and make direct 
 for the Admiralty, over the rough round 
 stones of the quadrangle, instead of taking 
 what others generally took, and continue to 
 take, the smooth pavement of the sides. His 
 thin frail figure shook at every step, and I 
 often wondered why he chose so rough a 
 footway ; but I ceased to wonder when I 
 heard that the thin frail officer was no other 
 than Lord Nelson, who always took,” con- 
 tinued my informant, “ the nearest way to 
 the place he wanted to go to.” 
 
110 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 HALL AND KTPPIS. 
 
 The Bev. Robert Hall, oa being asked if 
 Dr. Kippis was not a clever man, said, “ He 
 might be a very clever man by nature, for 
 aught I know ; but he laid so many books 
 upon his head that his brain could not move.” 
 
 Disgusted, on one occasion, by the egotism 
 and conceit of a preacher, who, with a mix- 
 ture of self-complacency and impudence, 
 challenged his admiration of a sermon, Mr. 
 Hall, who possessed strong powers of satire, 
 which he early learned to repress, was pro- 
 voked to say, “ Yes, there was one very fine 
 passage in your discourse, sir.” “ I am re- 
 joiced to hear you say so — which was it ? ” 
 “ Why, sir, it was the passage from the pulpit 
 into the vestry .” 
 
 GEORGE III. AND JOSEPH LANCASTER. 
 
 In 1805, Joseph Lancaster, the educationist, 
 was admitted to an interview with George 
 III., at Weymouth. On entering the Royal 
 presence, the King said : “ Lancaster, I have 
 sent for you to give me an account of your 
 system of education, which I hear has met 
 with opposition. One master teach five hun- 
 dred children at the same time! How do 
 you keep them in order, Lancaster?” Lan- 
 caster replied, “Please thy Majesty, by the 
 same principle thy Majesty’s army is kept 
 in order — by the word of command.” His 
 Majesty replied, “Good, good; it does not 
 require an aged generation to give the com- 
 mand ; one of younger years can do it.” 
 Lancaster observed that in his schools the 
 teaching branch was performed by youths, 
 who acted as monitors. The King assented, 
 and said “ Good.” Lancaster then described 
 his system ; the King paid great attention, 
 and was highly delighted ; and as soon as 
 he had finished, his Majesty said, “ Lan- 
 caster, I highly approve of your system, and 
 it is my wish that every poor child in my 
 dominions should be taught to read the 
 Bible ; I will do anything you wish to pro- 
 mote this object.” “ Please thy Majesty,” 
 said Lancaster, “if the system meets thy 
 Majesty’s approbation, I can go through the 
 country and lecture on the system, and have 
 no doubt, but in a few months I shall be 
 able to give thy Majesty an account where 
 ten thousand poor children are being edu- 
 cated, and some of my youths instructing 
 them. His Majesty immediately replied, 
 “Lancaster, I will subscribe £100 annually; 
 and,” addressing the Queen, “ you shall sub- 
 scribe £50, Charlotte; and the Princesses, 
 £25 each ; ” and then added, “ Lancaster, 
 you may have the money directly.” Lan- 
 caster observed, “ Please thy Majesty, that 
 will be setting thy nobles a good example.” 
 The Royal party appeared to smile at this 
 observation ; but the Queen observed to his 
 Majesty, “ How cruel it is that enemies 
 should be found who endeavour to hinder 
 his progress in so good a work.” To which 
 the King replied, “ Charlotte, a good man 
 seeks his reward in the world to come.” 
 Joseph then withdrew. 
 
 gauging. 
 
 On the occasion of Kepler’s second mar- 
 riage, he found it necessary to stock his cellar 
 with a few casks of wine. When the wine- 
 merchant came to measure the casks, Kepler 
 objected to his method, as he made no allow- 
 ance for the different sizes of the bulging 
 parts of the cask. From this accident, Kep- 
 ler was led to study the subject of gauging, 
 and to write a treatise on it, published at 
 Linz, in 1615, and which contains the earliest 
 specimens of the modern analysis. 
 
 PATRONAGE OF AUTHORS. 
 
 In the reigns of William III., of Anne, and 
 of George I., even such men as Congreve and 
 Addison would scarcely have been able to 
 live like gentlemen by the mere sale of their 
 writings. But the deficiency of the natural 
 demand for literature was, at the close of the 
 seventeenth, and at the beginning of the 
 eighteenth century, more than made up by 
 artificial encouragement — by a vast system 
 of bounties and premiums. There was, per- 
 haps, never a time at which the rewards of 
 literary merit were so splendid — at which 
 men who could write well, found such easy 
 admittance into the most distinguished so- 
 ciety, and to the highest honours of the 
 state. The chiefs of both the great parties 
 into which the kingdom was divided, patron- 
 ised literature with emulous munificence. 
 Congreve, when he had scarcely attained his 
 majority, was rewarded for his first comedy 
 with places which made him independent for 
 life. Smith, though his “Hippolytus and 
 Phaedra” failed, would have been consoled 
 with £300 a year but for his own folly. 
 Rowe was not only poet-laureate, but land- 
 surveyor of the Customs in the port of Lon- 
 don, Clerk of the Council to the Prince of 
 Wales, and Secretary of the Presentations 
 to the Lord Chancellor. Hughes was Se- 
 cretary to the Commissions of the Peace. 
 Ambrose Philips was Judge of the Preroga- 
 tive Court in Ireland. Locke was Commis- 
 sioner of Appeals, and of the Board of Trade. 
 Newton was Master of the Mint. Stepney 
 and Prior were employed in embassies of 
 high dignity and importance. Gay, who 
 commenced life as apprentice to a silk- 
 mercer, became a Secretary of Legation at 
 five-and-twenty. It was to a poem on the 
 death of Charles II., and to the “ City and 
 Country Mouse,” that Montague owed his 
 introduction into public life, his Earldom, his 
 Garter, and his Auditorship of the Exche- 
 quer. Swift, but for the unconquerable pre- 
 judice of the Queen, would have been a bi- 
 shop. Oxford, with his white stall' in his 
 hand, passed through the crowd of his suitors 
 to welcome Parnell, when that ingenious 
 writer deserted the Whigs. Steele was a 
 Commissioner of Stamps and a member of 
 Parliament. Arthur Mainwaring was a 
 Commissioner of the Customs, and Auditor 
 of the Imprest. Tickell was Secretary to the 
 Lords Justices of Ireland. Addison was Se- 
 cretary of State. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 Ill 
 
 IRISH DENIAL. 
 
 An Irish boy, who was trying hard to 
 get a place, denied that he was Irish. “I 
 don’t know what you mean by not being an 
 Irishman,” said the gentleman who was about 
 hiring him ; “ but this I know, you were bom 
 in Ireland.” Och, your honour, if that’s all,” 
 said the boy, “ small blame to that. Suppose 
 I had been' born in a stable, would 1 have 
 been a horse ?” 
 
 TRIAL BY BATTLE. 
 
 A remarkable instance presented itself in 
 the year 1818, when the law was fully dis- 
 cussed in the Court of King’s Bench, in the 
 case of Ashford v . Thornton. Upon that 
 occasion, the defendant had been acquitted 
 upon a prior indictment for the murder of a 
 female. The acquittal of the accused, upon 
 evidence which appeared to many sufficient 
 to establish his guilt, occasioned great dis- 
 satisfaction ; and the brother and next heir 
 of the deceased was, accordingly, advised to 
 bring the matter again under the considera- 
 tion of a jury, by the disused practice of an 
 appeal. The defendant waged his battle, 
 and the appellant replied circumstances of 
 such pregnant suspicion as (it was contended) 
 precluded the defendant from asserting his 
 innocence by battle. It was, however, de- 
 cided by the court that an appeal being, in 
 its origin and nature, a hostile challenge, 
 gave to the appellee a right to insist upon 
 fighting, and that the appellant could not 
 deprive him of that right by a mere allega- 
 tion of suspicious circumstances. The case 
 had proceeded thus far, when the legal anti- 
 quaries were disappointed of the rare spec- 
 tacle of a judicial duel, by the voluntary 
 abandonment of the prosecution. A writer 
 of the time observed “ Should the duel 
 take place, it will be indeed a singular sight 
 to behold the present venerable and learned 
 judges of the Court of King’s Bench clothed 
 in their full costume, sitting all day long in 
 the open air in Tothill-fields, as the umpires 
 of a match at single-stick. Nor will a less 
 surprising spectacle be furnished by the 
 learned persons who are to appear as the 
 counsel of the combatants, and who, as soon 
 as the ring is formed, will haveto accompany 
 their clients within the lists, and to stand, 
 like so many seconds and bottle-holders, be- 
 side a pair of bare-legged, bare-armed, and 
 bare-headed cudgellists.” The subject, lu- 
 dicrous as it seemed, was one of considerable 
 seriousness and importance. The reflection 
 that in the nineteenth century a human life 
 might be sacrificed to a practice which might 
 have been conceived too absurd, impious, 
 and cruel, to have outlived the dark ages, 
 could not be entertained without pain. In 
 the following year, however, this barbarous 
 absurdity was nullified by an act (59 Geo. 
 3, c. 46) abolishing all criminal appeals and 
 trial by battle in all cases, both civil and 
 criminal, and thus purifying the law of Eng- 
 land from a blot which time and civilisation 
 had strangely failed to wear away. 
 
 THE DESIRED EFFECT. 
 
 A young girl from the country being on 
 a visit to a Quaker, was prevailed on to ac- 
 company him to meeting. It happened to 
 be a silent one, none of the brethren being 
 moved by the spirit to utter a syllable. 
 When the Quaker left the meeting-house 
 with his young friend, he asked her “ How 
 didst thou like the meeting?” to which she 
 pettishly r replied, “ Like it ? why I can see no 
 sense in it — to go and sit for whole hours to- 
 gether without speaking a word ; it is enough 
 to kill the devil.” “Yea, my dear,” rejoined 
 the Quaker, “ that is just what we want.”' 
 
 TYROLESE BRAVERY. 
 
 One of the most memorable exploits of the 
 Tyrolese during the campaign of 1809 took 
 place near the second bridge, called Pont- 
 latzer Briicke. The fate of a division of 
 10,000 men belonging to the French and 
 Bavarian army, which entered the Upper 
 Indthal, or Valley of the Inn, will explain 
 in part the means by which the victories of 
 the Tyrolese were obtained. The invading 
 troops advanced in a long column up a road 
 bordered on the one side by the river Inn, 
 then a deep and rapid torrent, where cliffs 
 of immense height overhang both road and 
 river. The vanguard was permitted to ad- 
 vance unopposed as far as Prutz, the object 
 of their expedition. The rest of the army 
 were, therefore, induced to trust themselves 
 still deeper in this tremendous pass, where 
 the precipices becoming more and more nar- 
 row as they advanced, seemed about to close 
 above their heads. No sound but of the 
 screaming of the eagles disturbed from their 
 eyries and the roar of the river reached the 
 ears of the soldiers; and on the precipices, 
 partly enveloped in a hazy mist, no human 
 forms showed themselves. At length, the 
 voice of a man was heard, calling across the 
 ravine. “Shall we begin?” “No!” was 
 returned in an authoritative tone of voice, 
 by one who, like the first speaker, seemed 
 the inhabitant of some upper region. The 
 Bavarian detachment halted, and sent to the 
 General for orders, when presently was heard 
 the terrible signal, “In the name of the Holy 
 Trinity, cut all loose!” Huge rocks and 
 trunks of trees, long prepared and laid in 
 heaps for the purpose, now began to descend 
 rapidly in every direction ; while the deadly 
 fire of the Tyrolese, who never throw away 
 a shot, opened from every bush, crag, or 
 corner of rock, which would afford the shooter 
 cover. As this dreadful attack was made on 
 the whole line at once, two-thirds of the 
 enemy were instantly destroyed ; while the 
 Tyrolese, rushing from their shelter, with 
 swords, spears, axes, scythes, clubs, and all 
 other rustic instruments which could be fcon- 
 verted into weapons, beat down and routed 
 the shattered remainder. As the vanguard, 
 which had reached Prutz, was obliged to 
 surrender, very few of the ten thousand in- 
 vaders are computed to have extricated 
 themselves from the fatal pass. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 i 12 
 
 SIR ASTLEY COOPER. 
 
 It has often been remarked that some cir- 
 cumstance, apparently accidental, has tended 
 to influence the fatnre career of those con- 
 cerned ; and an anecdote is told of Sir Astley, 
 which, if true, seems to bear out this idea. 
 It is said that, when a boy, he saw a lad fall 
 from a cart, and tear his thigh in such a 
 manner as to wound the femoral artery. 
 Our young hero immediately took his hand- 
 kerchief, applied it round the thigh, and 
 twisted it so tightly as to control the bleed- 
 ing till further assistance could be pro- 
 cured. 
 
 Sir Astley received some very large fees, 
 among which, not the least remarkable was 
 that of a thousand guineas thrown at him 
 in his night-cap, by a patient whom he 
 had cut for the stone : an anecdote which 
 he told with no small degree of animation, 
 on retiring from a patient upon whom he had 
 just performed the same operation, and who 
 had likewise, in his agony, flung his cap at 
 the surgeon, but without its containing, on 
 this occasion, the cheque which gave so much 
 force to the original incident. In 1815, when 
 at the height of his reputation, he removed 
 to Spring-gardens ; and he was one of the 
 few with whom the migration from the City 
 to the West-end proved fully successful. A 
 few years afterwards, he was employed profes- 
 sionally by George IY. to remove a small 
 tumor from the scalp: an operation which 
 he performed with all his wonted coolnecs 
 and dexterity. Probably, no surgeon of 
 ancient or modern times enjoyed a greater 
 share of reputation during his life than 
 fell to the lot of Sir Astley. The Old and 
 New World has alike rung with his fame ; and 
 we cannot give a better example of this than 
 the fact of his signature being received as a 
 passport among the mountains of Biscay by 
 the wild followers of Don Carlos. A young 
 English surgeon, seeking for employment, 
 was carried as a prisoner before Zumalacar- 
 requi, who demanded what testimonials be 
 had of his calling or his qualifications? Our 
 countrymen presented his diploma of the 
 College of Surgeons ; and the name of Astley 
 Paston Cooper, which was attached to it, 
 no sooner struck the eye of the Carlist leader, 
 than he at once received his prisoner with 
 friendship, and appointed him a surgeon in 
 his army. Sir Astley long enjoyed a large 
 share of public patronage; but we believe 
 the actual amount of his fortune, when stated 
 at half a million, is considerably over-rated. 
 His personal expenses were not great ; but 
 he was very liberal to his relations, on whom, 
 we have heard, on what we believe to be good 
 authority, that he bestowed between two and 
 three thousand pounds annually. He is also 
 said to have spent £20,000 in bringing his 
 brother into Parliament. Nor was his libe- 
 rality confined to his own family. When 
 Dr. Baillie and some others made up a purse 
 for Dr. Pemberton, in the difficulties brought 
 upon him by his ill-health. Sir Astley con- 
 tributed the munificent sum of £500. 
 
 BISHOP WATSON. 
 
 The Rev. Robert Hall once observed of 
 Bishop Watson, that “ he married public vir- 
 tue in his early days, but seemed for ever 
 afterwards to be quarrelling with his wife.” 
 
 AN EMPEROR SAVED. 
 
 The Martinswand, in the Tyrol, owes its 
 chief celebrity to an adventure of the Em- 
 peror Maximilian. That enthusiastic sports- 
 man, led away, on one occasion, in pursuit 
 of a chamois among the rocks above, by ill- 
 luck missed his footing, and, rolling headlong 
 to the verge of the precipice, was just able 
 to arrest himself, when on the brink of de- 
 struction, by clinging with his head down- 
 wards to a ledge of rock, in a spot where he 
 could move neither up nor down, and where, 
 to all appearance, no one could approach him. 
 He was perceived from below in this perilous 
 position ; and, as his death was deemed inevi- 
 table, prayers were offered up at the foot of 
 the rock by the Abbot of Wilten, as though 
 for a person in articulo mortis. The Em- 
 peror, finding his strength failing him, bad 
 given himself up for lost, and recommended 
 his soul to heaven, when a loud halloo near 
 at hand arrested his attention. A bold and 
 intrepid hunter, named Zips, who had been 
 driven to the mountains to avoid imprison- 
 ment for poaching, had, without knowing 
 what had happened, also been drawn to 
 the spot, in clambering after a chamois. 
 Surprised to find a human being thus sus- 
 pended between earth and sky, he uttered 
 the cry which attracted Maximilian’s atten- 
 tion. Finding the perilous nature of the 
 case, he was in a few minutes at the Em- 
 peror’s side, and binding on his feet his own 
 crampons, and extending to him his sinewy 
 arm, he succeeded, with difficulty, in guiding 
 him up the face of the precipice along ledges 
 where, to appearance, even the chamois 
 could not have found footing; and thus 
 rescued him from a situation of such hope- 
 less peril, that the common people even now 
 attribute his escape to the miraculous inter- 
 position of an angel. The spot where this 
 occurred, now hollowed out into a cave in 
 the face of the rock, is marked by a crucifix, 
 which, though eighteen feet high, is so far 
 above the post road, that it is barely visible 
 from thence. It is now rendered accessible 
 by a steep and rather difficult path, and may 
 be reached in about half an hour’s walk 
 from Zirl. The cave is 750 feet above the 
 river, and the precipice is so vertical that a 
 plumb-line might be dropped from it into 
 the high-road below. It is traditionally 
 stated that Maximilian rewarded the hunts- 
 man with the title of Count Hollauer von 
 Hohenfelsen, in token of his gratitude, and 
 in reference to the exclamation uttered by 
 him which had sounded so welcome to the 
 Emperor’s ears by announcing that relief was 
 at hand. From the Emperor’s pension list, 
 still in existence, it appears that a sum of 
 sixteen florins was annually paid to one Zips 
 of Zirl. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 113 
 
 TRUE POLITENESS. 
 
 The Marquis d’Harcourt, walking arm-in- 
 arm with Voltaire, a person took off his hat 
 to the Marquis, who * returned the salute. 
 “Why do you bow to that fellow?” says 
 Voltaire, “ he’s one of the greatest black- 
 guards of the day.” “What of that?” re- 
 plied the Marquis; “I would not allow a 
 blackguard to outdo me as a gentleman.” 
 
 LONG STORY. 
 
 A loquacious lady, ill of a complaint of forty 
 years’ standing, applied to Mr, Abemethy 
 for advice, and had begun to describe its pro- 
 gress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted 
 her, saying he wanted to go into the next 
 street, to see a patient ; he begged the lady to 
 inform him how long it would take her to tell 
 her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. 
 He asked her to proceed, and hoped she 
 would endeavour to finish by the time he re- 
 turned. 
 
 PROPHECY OF SPECTRES. 
 
 The tragedian John Palmer died on the 
 stage at Liverpool. At the same hour and 
 minute, a shopman in London, sleeping 
 under a counter, saw distinctly his shade 
 glide through the shop, open the door, and 
 pop into the street. This, an hour or two 
 after, he mentioned very coolly, a3 if Mr. 
 Palmer himself had been there. 
 
 Cardan saw, on the ring finger of his right 
 hand, the mark of a bloody sword, and heard 
 at the same time a voice which bade him go 
 directly to Milan. The redness progressively 
 increased until midnight: the mark then 
 faded gradually’ and disappeared. At that 
 midnight hour his son was beheaded at 
 Milan. 
 
 It was told by Knowles, the tutor of Lord 
 Roscommon, when a boy, that young Went- 
 worth Dillon was one day seized with a mood 
 of tbe wildest eccentricity, contrary to his 
 usual disposition. On a sudden he ex- 
 claimed, “ My father is dead ! ” And soon 
 after missives came from Ireland to announce 
 the fact. 
 
 The father of Dr. Blomberg, Clerk of the 
 Closet to George the Fourth, was captain in 
 an army serving in America. We are told 
 by Doctor Rudge, that six officers, three 
 hundred miles from his position, were visited 
 after dinner by this modern Banquo, who sat 
 down in a vacant chair. One said to him, 
 “ Blomberg, are you mad ? ” He rose in si- 
 lence, and slowly glided out of the door. He 
 was slain on that day and hour. 
 
 In the “ Diary of a Physician” (an embel- 
 lished record of facts), we read the story of 
 
 the spectre-smitten Mr. M , whose leisure 
 
 hours were passed in the perusal of legends 
 of diablerie and witchcraft. One evening, 
 when his brain was excited by champagne, 
 he returned to his rooms, and saw a dear 
 friend in his chair ; and this friend had died 
 suddenly, and was at that moment laid out 
 in his chamber ; a combination of horrors so 
 unexpected and intense, that monomania was 
 the result. * 
 
 FIGHTING BY MEASURE. 
 
 The usual place of resort for Dublin duel- 
 lists is called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney 
 of that city, in penning a challenge, thought 
 most likely he was drawing a lease, and in- 
 vited his antagonist to meet him at “the 
 place called Fifteen Acres — ‘ be the same more 
 or less.’ ” 
 
 NICKNAMES. 
 
 John Magee, formerly the printer of the 
 Dublin Evening Post, was full of shrewdness 
 and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were 
 instituted against him by the Government, 
 and many “ keen encounters of the tongue” 
 took place on these occasions between him 
 and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, who was at 
 that period Chief Justice of the King’s 
 Bench. In addressing the Court in his own 
 defence, Magee had occasion to allude to 
 some public character, who was better known 
 by a familiar designation. The official gra- 
 vity of Clonmel was disturbed ; and he, with 
 bilious asperity, reproved the printer, by 
 saying, “Mr. Magee, we allow no nick- 
 names in this court.” “Very well, John 
 Scott," was the reply. 
 
 SIEGE OF ACRE, IN 1840. 
 
 Memorable as is Acre for the sieges it has 
 undergone, there is none more remarkable 
 than that of Nov. 3, 1840, when the place 
 was stormed by the British fleet, under Sir 
 Robert Stopford, and taken after a bombard- 
 ment of a few hours ; the Egyptians losing 
 upwards of 2000 in killed and wounded, and 
 3000 prisoners; while the British had but 
 12 killed and 42 wounded. 
 
 In the session of Parliament, 1841, the 
 Duke of Wellington remarked, in the House 
 of Lords, that he had no recollection, in all 
 his experience, except the recent instance on 
 the coast of Syria, of any fort being taken by 
 ships; excepting two or three years ago, 
 when the fort of St. Jean d’Ulloa was cap- 
 tured by the French fleet. That was, he 
 added, the single instance that he recollected ; 
 though he believed that something of the 
 sort had occurred at the siege of Havannah, 
 in 1763. The above achievement he con- 
 sidered one of the greatest deeds of modem 
 times. It was altogether a most skilful pro- 
 ceeding. On inquiring how it happened that 
 so small a number of men were lost on board 
 the fleet, he discovered that it was because 
 the vessels were moored within one-third of 
 the ordinary distance. The guns of the for- 
 tress were intended to strike objects at a 
 greater distance; and the consequence was, 
 that the shot went over the ships that were 
 anchored at one- third of the usual distance. 
 By that means, they sustained not more than 
 one- tenth of the loss which they would 
 otherwise have experienced. Not less than 
 500 pieces of ordnance were directed against 
 the walls ; and the precision with which the 
 fire was kept up, the position of the vessels, 
 and, lastly, the blowing up of the large maga- 
 zine, all aided in achieving this great victory 
 in so short a time. 
 
114 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 ASSASSINATION OF WALLENSTEIN. 
 
 At the east end of the market-place of 
 Eger, in Bohemia, is the Burgomaster’s 
 house, in which Wallenstein was assassinated, 
 in 1634. It is now, as it was then, the resi- 
 dence of the chief magistrate of the town, 
 who permits his bed-room, the scene of the 
 murder, to be shown to strangers. It is the 
 apartment over the entrance, and it has been 
 somewhat modernised ; but the door at the 
 back of the house, by which the assassins, 
 Butler, Devereux, and six dragoons, entered, 
 the wooden stair by which they mounted, 
 the gallery along which they crept, and the 
 low door of his bed-room, which they burst 
 open, after murdering his attendant, are still 
 pointed out. Wallenstein had just retired 
 to bed, after dismissing his astrologer, who, 
 it is said, had warned him that his stars at 
 that moment boded untoward fortune. 
 Awakened by a noise on the outside, he 
 arose from his couch in his shirt, just as 
 Devereux burst open the door, exclaiming 
 “ Thou must die.” At these words, Wallen- 
 stein calmly, and without a groan or any 
 sign of fear, opened his arms and received a 
 blow of the halbert, which, in an instant, 
 stretched him lifeless on the floor. Yery 
 little doubt is now entertained that Wallen- 
 stein was guiltless of the treason attributed 
 to him, and that he had entered into no 
 agreement with France or Sweden at the 
 time when his death was decided on by the 
 Emperor. No proofs of the existence of a 
 conspiracy or of his guilt were elicited from 
 the numerous persons implicated with him. 
 His accusers were the persons who profited 
 by his downfal, and inherited his estates; 
 and the master whom he had twice saved 
 from the brink of ruin was privy to his 
 murder, and vainly attempted to ease a 
 troubled conscience by ordering three thou- 
 sand masses to be said for his soul ! 
 
 In the hall of the Imperial Castle, now 
 reduced to bare walls, the four friends of 
 Wallenstein, who accompanied him to Eger, 
 were murdered previous to the attack made 
 upon him. Here they were invited to sup 
 with Gordon, a Scotchman, the governor of 
 the castle, who, with Butler, the commander 
 of Wallenstein’s escort, Leslie, and some 
 others, exclusively Irish and Scotch, had 
 previously sworn on their drawn swords to 
 put them to death. It was agreed that cold 
 steel alone should be employed, lest the re- 
 port of fire-arms should alarm Wallenstein 
 and the people in the town. As soon as the 
 good cheer and full goblets began to tell upon 
 the unsuspecting guests, Leslie, having pre- 
 viously ordered the drawbridge to be raised, 
 and having received into his custody all the 
 keys, gave the preconcerted signal, and the 
 room was filled with armed men. The 
 doomed victims started up from the table, per- 
 ceiving the treachery ; two of them, Kinsky 
 and Illo, were quickly cut down ; Terska 
 seized his sword and made a desperate re- 
 sistance ; the fourth escaped into the kitchen, 
 but was there butchered, after a struggle. 
 
 After this bloody deed, the actors received 
 absolution in the chapel. In consequence of 
 the perpetration of this crime within its 
 walls, the castle gained the reputation of 
 being haunted, and for this cause was allowed 
 to fall into decay, and never after inhabited. 
 
 LEGAL ADULTERATION. 
 
 Several publicans being assembled at Mal- 
 ton, in Yorkshire, in order to renew their li- 
 censes to retail beer, the worthy magistrate 
 addressed one of them (an old woman), and 
 said he trusted she did not put any pernicious 
 ingredients into the liquor ; to which she im- 
 mediately replied : “ I’ll assure your worship 
 there’s nought pernicious put into our barrels 
 that I know of, but th’ exciseman’s stick.” 
 
 who’s the fool? 
 
 Some merchants went to an Eastern So- 
 vereign, and exhibited for sale several very 
 fine horses. The King admired them, and 
 bought them ; he, moreover, gave the mer- 
 chants a lac of rupees to purchase more 
 horses for him. The King one day, in a 
 sportive humour, ordered the vizier to make 
 out a list of all the fools in his dominions. 
 He did so, and put his Majesty’s name at the 
 head of them. The King asked why. He 
 replied, “ Because you entrusted a lac of 
 rupees to men you don’t know, and who will 
 never come back.” “ Ay, but suppose they 
 should come back?” “Then I shall erase 
 your name and insert theirs.” 
 
 MERMAID OF 1822. 
 
 This impudent hoax upon the good people 
 of London was the work of a Japanese fisher- 
 man, who seems to have displayed ingenuity 
 for the mere purpose of making money by 
 his countrymen’s passion for everything odd 
 and strange. He contrived to unite the 
 upper half of a monkey to the lower half of a 
 fish so neatly as to defy ordinary inspection. 
 He then gave out that he had caught the 
 creature alive in his net, but that it had died 
 shortly after being taken out of the water ; 
 and he derived considerable pecuniary profit 
 from his cunning in more ways than one. 
 The exhibition of the sea-monster to Japa- 
 nese curiosity paid well ; but yet more pro- 
 ductive was the assertion that the half- 
 human fish, having spoken during the few 
 minutes it existed out of its native element, 
 had predicted a certain number of years of 
 wonderful fertility, and a fatal epidemic, the 
 only remedy for which would be possession 
 of the marine prophet’s likeness. The sale 
 of these pictured mermaids was immense. 
 Either the composite animal, or another, the 
 offspring of the success of the first, was sold 
 to the Dutch factory, and transmitted to 
 Batavia, where it fell into the hands of a 
 speculating American, who brought it to 
 Europe, and here, in the years 1822-23, ex- 
 hibited his purchase as a real mermaid at 
 every capital, to the admiration of the igno- 
 rant, the perplexity of the learned, and the 
 filling of his own purse. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 115 
 
 A RESEMBLANCE. 
 
 “ Colonel W. is a fine-looking man, ain’t 
 he?” said a friend of ours, the other day. 
 “Yes,” replied another; “I was taken for 
 him once.” “ You ! why you’re as ugly as 
 sin !” “ I don’t care for that ; I was taken 
 for him : I indorsed his note, and was taken 
 for him — by the sheriff.” 
 
 OLD POBO, THE NEGRO. 
 
 The blacks have all, to a certain degree, 
 a taste for music, and soon catch the tune of 
 any song they have heard. The airs of 
 Moore’s and Bayly’s melodies are many of 
 them familiar to the slaves; and they 
 often substitute words of their own, which, if 
 sung on an English stage, would create roars 
 of laughter. Old Pobo had forged a whole 
 posse of these parodies ; and they were really 
 many of them ludicrous in the extreme. 
 Take, for instance, the following, to his 
 wife : — 
 
 Me own black belle, 
 
 Me lazy black belle, 
 
 Me neber will roam where buckras dwell ; 
 
 Me face you view, 
 
 Of your own dark hue 
 Den, ho, neber dout dat me heart’s so too. 
 
 “No, no, sing dat oder song, daddy Pobo,” 
 cries one of the listeners. 
 
 “ Bery well, bery well ; me sing dat oder 
 song,” and Pobo strikes up to the tune of 
 “ The Soldier’s Tear — 
 
 Beside de door he turn, 
 
 For take one last sly look, 
 
 At de sugar and de boiling -house, 
 
 And de still beside de brook ; 
 
 He see de mill go round, 
 
 He hear um — dum — turn — turn, 
 
 So he raises de bottle to he mout, 
 
 For take one drink of rum. 
 
 Beside de mule- house door, 
 
 One mule bin on her knees, 
 
 She kick de trash upon de ground, 
 
 It fly before de breeze ; 
 
 De man da gib one curse, 
 
 De manager da come, 
 
 And den de fellow raise him hand, 
 
 For put away de rum. 
 
 He run for leave de spot, 
 
 Oh, do not tink him fool, 
 
 For when de buckra come wid whip, 
 Him temper seldom cool ; 
 
 Go, watch among de canes., 
 
 You see him hiding — mum ! — 
 
 Be sure he pull him bottle out, 
 
 For take one drink of rum. 
 
 TRUE VALOUR. 
 
 When General O’Kelly was introduced to 
 Louis XVI., soon after the battle of Fonte- 
 noy, his Majesty observed that Clare’s regi- 
 ment behaved very well in that engagement. 
 “Sire,” said the General, “they behaved 
 very well, it is true — many of them were 
 wounded ; but my regiment behaved better, 
 for we were all killed.'” 
 
 kneller’s painting. 
 
 Sir Godfrey Kneller latterly painted more 
 for profit than for praise, and is said to have 
 used some experimental preparations in his 
 colours which made them work fair and 
 smoothly off, but not endure. A friend no- 
 ticing it to him, said, “What do you think 
 posterity will say, Sir Godfrey Kneller, when 
 they see these pictures some years hence?” 
 “Say!” replied the artist; “why they’ll 
 say Sir Godfrey never painted them !” 
 
 GENERAL RAPP. 
 
 Rapp and Savary were aides-de-camp to 
 Dessaix, adopted by Bonaparte on the field of 
 Marengo. The latter soon made progress by 
 his suppleness ; the former was a blunt Al- 
 sacian, and became neither duke nor marshal. 
 He once ushered a dark-looking Corsican to 
 the presence of Bonaparte, and took care to 
 hold the door open whilst the interview lasted. 
 When questioned by Bonaparte why he did 
 this, “ Because,” replied Rapp, “ I don’t put 
 much trust in your Corsicans.” The blunt 
 remark caused much amusement. 
 
 FLATTERERS OF NAPOLEON. 
 
 After Napoleon’s return from Austerlitz, 
 Denon presented him with silver medals il- 
 lustrative of his victories. The first repre- 
 sented a French eagle tearing an English leo- 
 pard. “ What’s this?” asked the Emperor. 
 Denon explained. “ Thou rascally flatterer ! 
 You say that the French eagle crushes the 
 English leopard ; yet I cannot put a fishing- 
 boat to sea that is not taken : I tell you it is 
 the leopard that strangles the eagle. Melt 
 down the medal, and never bring me such 
 another.” He found similar fault with the 
 medal of Austerlitz. “ Put Battle of Auster- 
 litz on one side, with the date ; the French, 
 Russian, and Austrian eagles on the other, 
 without distinction. Posterity will distin- 
 guish the vanquished.” 
 
 BRAVERY. 
 
 Unter Sendling (Greber’s Inn), a village 
 scarcely beyond the outskirts of Munich, is 
 memorable for the bravery displayed by a 
 band of 5000 Bavarian peasants, who, during 
 the war of the Spanish Succession, in 1705, 
 descended from their native mountains, and 
 attacked the Austrian army, which at that 
 time occupied Bavaria. They were literally 
 cut to pieces, and vanquished, after a stout 
 resistance, with a loss of 3000 slain. A fresco 
 painting outside the church commemorates 
 the event. The principal figure represents 
 Balthasar Meyr, the gigantic blacksmith, of 
 Kochel, who had on the day previous slain 
 nineteen of the enemy with his own hand ; 
 and now, seeing that all was lost, collected 
 thirty-seven mountaineers, and, followed by 
 them, and attended by his two sons, devoted 
 himself to certain death. He wields in 
 his hand a spiked club, or morning-star, 
 with which he long kept his foes at bay, 
 until overpowered by two Hungarian horse- 
 men. 
 
 i 2 
 
116 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 THAT YOU MUST LOVE ME, AMD LOVE MY DOG. 
 
 An excellent story to this moral is told of 
 Merry, of Della Cruscan memory. In tender 
 youth, he loved and courted a modest appa- 
 nage to the opera, in truth a dancer, who 
 had won him by the artless contrast between 
 her manners and situation. She seemed to 
 him a native violet, that had been trans- 
 planted by some rude accident into that ex- 
 otic and artificial hot-bed. Nor, in truth, 
 was she less genuine and sincere than she 
 appeared to him. He wooed and won this 
 dower. Only for appearance’ sake, and for 
 due honour to the bride’s relations, she craved 
 that she might have the attendance of her 
 friends and kindred at the approaching so- 
 lemnity. The request was too amiable not 
 to be conceded ; and in this solicitude for con- 
 ciliating the good-will of mere relations, he 
 found a presage of her superior attentions to 
 himself, when the golden shaft should have 
 “ killed the flock of all attentions else.” The 
 morning came ; and at the Star and Garter, 
 Richmond — the place appointed for the 
 breakfasting — accompanied by one English 
 friend, he impatiently awaited what rein- 
 forcements the bride should bring to grace 
 the ceremony. A rich muster she had made. 
 They came in six coaches — the whole corps de 
 ballet — French and Italian, men and women. 
 Monsieur de B., the famous piroueiter of the 
 day, led his fair spouse, but scraggy, from 
 the banks of the Seine. The prima donna 
 had sent her excuse. But the first and 
 second buffa were there; and Signor Sc — , 
 and Signora Ch — , and Madame Y — , with a 
 countless cavalcade besides of chorusers and 
 figurantes, at the sight of whom Merry after- 
 wards declared, that “ then for the first time 
 it struck him seriously that he was about to 
 marry — a dancer.” But there was no help 
 for it. Besides, it was her day ; these were, 
 in fact, her friends and kinsfolk. The assem- 
 blage, though whimsical, was all very natu- 
 ral. But when the bride — handing out of 
 the last coach a still more extraordinary 
 figure than the rest — presented to him as the 
 father — the gentleman that was to give her 
 away — no less a person than Signor Delpini 
 himself— with a sort of pride, as much as to 
 say, “See what I have brought to do us 
 honour !” — the thought of so extraordinary a 
 paternity quite overcame him ; and, slipping 
 away under some pretence from the bride 
 and her motley adherents, poor Merry took 
 horse from the back-yard to the nearest sea- 
 coast, from which, shipping himself to Ame- 
 rica, he shortly after consoled himself with a 
 more congenial match in the person of Miss 
 Brunton ; relieved from his intended clown 
 father, and a bevy of painted buffasfor bride- 
 maids. — Charles Lamb. 
 
 TYCHO BRAHE’S NOSE. 
 
 In the year 1566 an accident occurred to 
 Tycho Brahe, at Wittenberg, which had 
 nearly deprived him of his life. On the 10th 
 of December, he was invited to a wedding- 
 feast; and, among other guests, there was 
 
 present a noble countryman of his own, 
 Manderupius Pasbergius. Some difference 
 having arisen between them on this occa- 
 sion, they parted with feelings of mutual 
 displeasure. On the 27th of the same month 
 ^?ey met again at some festive games, and 
 having revived their former quarrel, they 
 agreed to settle their differences by the 
 sword. They accordingly met at seven 
 o’clock in the evening of the 29th, and fought 
 in total darkness. In this blind combat, 
 Manderupius cut off the whole of the front 
 of Tycho’s nose; and it was fortunate for 
 astronomy that his more valuable organs 
 were defended by so faithful an outpo3t. The 
 quarrel, which is said to have originated in a 
 difference of opinion respecting their mathe- 
 matical attainments, terminated here; and 
 Tycho repaired his loss by cementing upon 
 his face a nose of gold and silver, which is 
 said to have formed a good imitation of the 
 original. 
 
 QUEER HERALDRY. 
 
 Sir Richard Steele, in his comedy of “The 
 Funeral ; or, Grief a la Mode,” introduces the 
 servant of Mr. Sable , the undertaker, thus : — 
 
 “ Sir, I had come sooner, but I went to 
 the Heralds for a coat for Alderman Gather- 
 grease, that died last night. He has pro- 
 mised to invent one against to-morrow.” 
 
 Sable : “ Ah, take some of our cits ; their 
 first thing after their death is to take care of 
 their birth. Let him bear a pair of stockings , 
 for he is the first of his family that ever wore 
 one.” 
 
 THE TWO FRIENDS. 
 
 In 172B, Dr. Friend was confined in the 
 Tower, on suspicion of being concerned in 
 a plot for the restoration of the Stuarts. 
 Dr. Mead was incessant in his endeavours to 
 obtain Friend’s liberation, but could only 
 with great difficulty gain access to him. At 
 length, being called to attend Sir Robert 
 Walpole, he absolutely refused to prescribe 
 for him unless Friend was released, and he 
 succeeded in obtaining his liberation. A 
 large party was assembled at Mead’s, in the 
 evening, to congratulate Friend ; and, upon 
 his retiring with Arbuthnot, Mead took 
 Friend into his closet, and there put into his 
 hands a bag containing all the fees he had 
 received from Friend’s patients during his 
 confinement, amounting to no less than 5000 
 guineas. 
 
 CURIOUS EPITAPH. 
 
 In Nichols’s “ History of Leicestershire,” 
 is inserted the following epitaph to the me- 
 mory of Theophilus Cave, buried in the 
 chancel of the church of Barrow-on- Soar : — 
 “ Here in this Grave there lies a Cave. 
 
 We call a Cave a Grave ; 
 
 If Cave be Grave, and Grave be Cave, 
 
 Then reader, judge, I crave, 
 
 Whether doth Cave here lye in Grave, 
 
 Or Grave here lye in Cave : 
 
 If Grave in Cave here bury’d lye, 
 
 Then Grave, where is thy victory ? 
 
 Goe, reader, and report here lyes a Cave, 
 
 Who conquers death and bury es his own Cave.** 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 117 
 
 NAPOLEON’S ESCAPE FROM ELBA IX 1814. 
 
 The position of Napoleon at Elba, within 
 sight of Italy, and within a few days’ sail 
 of France, was the most favourable that 
 could be imagined for carrying on intrigues 
 with both countries. A constant correspond- 
 ence was maintained with his relatives and 
 adherents, from many of whom he received 
 visits ; and a vast conspiracy was soon formed, 
 with its centre in Paris, and ramified among 
 the whole army and many of the civic func- 
 tionaries, having for its object his return. 
 The eagles and tricolor cockades were pre- 
 served with veneration by the soldiers ; and 
 the rumour spread that “ Pere la Violette,” 
 the name employed to designate Napoleon, 
 would return in spring to chase away the 
 priests and emigrants. Murat, who began 
 to find his chance of retaining his crown ex- 
 tremely precarious, entered warmly into the 
 plot. Sir Neil Campbell, the British com- 
 missioner, had no means of preventing, even 
 if he suspected, an intended escape ; and on 
 the night of the 26th February, 1815, after 
 a brilliant fete given to the inhabitants of 
 Porto-Ferrao, Napoleon embarked on board 
 the Inconstant brig, and sailed, accompanied 
 by six smaller vessels, and 1100 men, for the 
 French coast. Twice on the voyage their 
 course w r as crossed by French cruisers, but 
 no suspicion was excited ; and on the 1st of 
 March the expedition disembarked in the 
 •Gulf of St. Juan. 
 
 After an unsuccessful attempt to seduce 
 the garrison of Antibes, which was frustrated 
 by the firmness of the governor, General 
 Corsin, Napoleon marched on the mountain 
 road by Gap towards Grenoble, everywhere 
 received with open arms by the inhabitants, 
 who where mostly holders of national do- 
 mains, and strongly imbued with revolu- 
 tionary principles. He here expected, ac- 
 cording to previous arrangements, to have 
 been joined by Colonel Labedoyere and his 
 regiment, part of the garrison of Grenoble ; 
 but on his approach (March 7) he found the 
 way barred by a body of troops not in the 
 secret, sent against him by the commandant- 
 general, Marchand. Instantly advancing 
 to the front, and exposing his breast, he ex- 
 claimed to the opposing ranks, “Here is 
 your Emperor ; if any one would kill 
 me, let him fire!” — words which, as by 
 ■an electric shock, awakened old associations 
 an the hearts of the soldiers. They 
 threw themselves at his feet, embracing 
 his knees with tears of joy ; the tricolor re- 
 appeared on every breast, and the whole de- 
 tachment ranged itself with fervent devotion 
 on his side. Labedoyere, meanwhile, came 
 over with his regiment ; Marchand, finding 
 that all was lost, quitted his post, and Napo- 
 leon entered Grenoble in triumph, amid the 
 acclamations of the troops and people. Here 
 he formally resumed the sovereignty, by or- 
 dering that all public acts should henceforth 
 run in his name ; while his proclamations, 
 couched in the spirit of ancient oratory, 
 thrilled every heart with emotion. “ Soldiers, 
 
 in my exile I have heard your voice ! Come 
 and range yourselves under the standards of 
 your old chief, who was raised to the throne 
 on your bucklers, and has no existence but 
 in yours. Victory will march at the charge- 
 step; the Eagle, with the national colours, 
 will fly from steeple to steeple, till it alights 
 on the towers of Notre Dame.” — Alison. 
 
 GEORGE COLMAN’s WIT. 
 
 Colman and Bannister were dining one day 
 with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, who, 
 in the course of conversation on rural affairs, 
 boasted that he kept on his pasture land 
 nearly a thousand sheep, “ I perceive, then,” 
 said Colman, “ your Lordship has still an eye 
 to the woolsack.” 
 
 An old lady named Wall had been an 
 actress in a subordinate situation many sea- 
 sons in the Haymarket Theatre, for whom 
 Colman, from early associations, appears to 
 have had a kind consideration. We must all 
 pay the debt of nature ; and, in due time, the 
 old lady died. Somebody from the theatre 
 went to break the intelligence to Colman, 
 who, on hearing it, inquired “whether there 
 had been any bills stuck up ! ” The mes- 
 senger replied in the negative, and ventured 
 to ask Mr. Colman why he had put that 
 question ? Colman answered, “ They gene- 
 rally paste, bills on a dead wall, don’t 
 they ?” 
 
 Colman, himself no giant, was singularly 
 fond of quizzing persons of short stature. 
 Liston, and pretty little Mrs. Liston, were 
 dining with him, .and towards evening, w T hen 
 preparing to leave their host, Liston said, 
 “ Come, Mrs. L., let us be going.” “ Mrs. 
 L. (ELL) indeed,” exclaimed Colman: 
 “ Mrs. Inch you mean.” 
 
 One day, speaking of authorship as a pro- 
 fession, Colman said, “It is a very good 
 walking-stick, but very bad crutches.” 
 
 A Mr. Faulkener had been engaged at the 
 Haymarket, from a provincial theatre, and 
 appeared in a comedy, without producing any 
 great sensation ; in fact, Colman was disap- 
 pointed with his new actor, who had to de- 
 liver the following line, which he spoke in a 
 nasal tone — 
 
 “ Ah ! where is my honour, now ?” 
 Colman, who was behind the scenes, took a 
 hasty pinch of snuff, and muttered, “ I wish 
 your honour was back at Newcastle again, 
 with all my heart.” 
 
 Another aspirant for Thespian honours 
 made his debut at the Haymarket Theatre, 
 in the character of Octavian, in the “ Moun- 
 taineers.” It was discovered very early in 
 the performance, that he had undertaken a 
 task for which he was unqualified. Colman 
 was in the green-room, and growing fidgety, 
 when the new performer came to the line — 
 “I shall weep soon, and then I shall be 
 better.” 
 
 “ I’ll be hung if you will,” said Colman, 
 “if you cry your eyes out!” 
 
118 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 EFFECT OF MUSIC. 
 
 A Scotch bag-piper, traversing the moun- 
 tains of Ulster, in Ireland, was one evening 
 encountered by a starved Irish wolf. In his 
 distress, the poor man could think of nothing 
 better than to open his wallet, and try the 
 effects of his hospitality ; lie did so, and the 
 savage swallowed all that was thrown to him, 
 with so improving a voracity as if his appe- 
 tite was but just returning to him. The 
 whole stock of provision was, of course, soon 
 spent, and now his only resource was to the 
 virtues of his bagpipe ; which the monster 
 no sooner heard, than he took to the moun- 
 tains with the same precipitation he had left 
 them. The poor piper could not so perfectly 
 enjoy his deliverance, but that, with an angry 
 look, at parting, he shook his head, saying : 
 “ Ay, are these your tricks ? Had I known 
 your humour, you should have had your 
 music before supper.” 
 
 burke’s fondness for children. 
 
 Burke was so very partial to children, that 
 he would play at teetotum and push-pin 
 with them ; and, apparently, take as much 
 delight in the stories of “ Jack the Giant- 
 killer,” and “Tom Thumb,” as themselves. 
 “Half an hour might pass,” says Murphy, 
 “ during which he would keep speaking in 
 such a way that you could see no more in 
 him than an ordinary man, good-naturedly 
 amusing his young auditors, when some ob- 
 servation or suggestion calling his attention, 
 a remark of the most profound wisdom would 
 slip out, and he would return to his tee- 
 totum.” It is related of him, that one day, 
 after dining with Fox, Sheridan, Lord John 
 Townsend, and several other eminent men, 
 at Sheridan’s cottage, he amused himself by 
 rapidly wheeling his host’s little son round 
 the front garden, in a child’s hand- chaise. 
 While thus employed, the great orator, it is 
 added, evinced by his looks and activity that 
 he enjoyed the sport nearly as much as his 
 delighted playfellow". 
 
 AGED ACTRESS. 
 
 A farce called the “ Half-pay Officer,” by 
 Charles Molloy, was brought out at Drury- 
 lane Theatre in 1720 ; and to Mrs. Fryer 
 (an Irishwoman, who had quitted the stage 
 from the reign of Charles II.) w r as assigned 
 the part of an old grandmother. In the bills 
 it was mentioned — “ The part of Lady Rich- 
 love to be performed by Peg Fryer, who has 
 not appeared on the stage these fifty years.” 
 The character in the farce was supposed to 
 be a very old woman, and Peg exerted her 
 utmost abilities. The farce being ended, she 
 was brought again upon the stage to dance a 
 jig at the age of 85. She came tottering in, 
 and seemed much fatigued ; but on a sudden, 
 the music striking up the Irish trot, she 
 danced and footed it almost as nimbly as any 
 girl of 20. She afterwards kept a public- 
 house in the Tottenham-court-road, where 
 she resided until her decease, which took 
 place in November, 1747, aged 117 years. 
 
 PRUDENT CHOICE. 
 
 Shortly after the battle of Waterloo, it was 
 proposed to make some change in the uni- 
 form of the Life Guards; and George IY. 
 ordered one of the soldiers to be sent for, who 
 was said to have slain six or seven French 
 officers in single combat. He was asked a 
 variety of questions, to each of which he 
 assented ; until the King, perceiving that the 
 soldier’s opinion was biassed by the presence 
 of royalty and his own officers, said to him : 
 “ Well, if you were going to have such 
 another day’s work as at Waterloo, how 
 would you like to be dressed?” “ Please your 
 Majesty,” he replied, “in that case I had 
 rather be in my shirt sleeves.” 
 
 EDWARD EVERETT. 
 
 Mr. Everett’s chief qualifications as an 
 orator, are a clear sweet voice, and a prodi- 
 gious memory; his addresses are graceful, 
 high-toned, and flowing. Mr. Macaulay has 
 produced many a gorgeous piece of historical 
 painting, but he has produced nothing more 
 impressive that Mr. Everett’s description of 
 the landing of the first English settlers 
 on the eastern coast of North America : — 
 “I see them escaped from these perils, 
 pursuing their all but desperate under- 
 taking, and landed at last, after a five 
 months’ passage, on the ice- clad rocks of 
 Plymouth — weak and weary from their 
 voyage, poorly armed, scantily provisioned, 
 depending on the charity of their ship- 
 master for a draught of beer on board, drink- 
 ing nothing but water on shore — without 
 shelter — without means — surrounded by hos- 
 tile tribes. . Shut now the volume of history, 
 and tell me, on any principle of human pro- 
 bability, what shall be the fate of this hand- 
 ful of adventurers ? Tell me, man of military 
 science, in how many months were they all 
 swept off by the thirty savage tribes enumu- 
 rateri within the early limits of New England ? 
 Tell me, politician, how long did this shadow 
 of a colony, on which your conventions and 
 treaties had not smiled, languish on the dis- 
 tant coast? Student of history, compare for 
 me the baffled projects, the deserted settle- 
 ments, the abandoned adventurers, of other 
 times, and find the parallel of this. Was it 
 the winter’s storm, beating upon the house- 
 less heads of women and children ; was it 
 hard labour and spare meals ; was it disease ; 
 was it the tomahawk ; was it the deep ma- 
 lady of a blighted hope, a ruined enterprise, 
 and a broken heart, aching in its last 
 moments at the recollection of the loved and 
 left beyond the sea; was it some or all of 
 these united, that hurried this forsaken com- 
 pany to their melancholy fate ? And is it 
 possible that neither of these causes, that 
 not all combined, were able to blast this bud 
 of hope ? Is it possible that, from a begin- 
 ning so feeble, so frail, so worthy, not so 
 much of admiration as of pity, there has 
 gone forth a progress so steady, a growth so- 
 wonderful, a reality so important, a promise- 
 yet to be fulfilled so glorious?” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 119 
 
 MATHEWS, A SPANISH AMBASSADOR. 
 Mathews once personated a Spanish Am- 
 bassador ; a frolic enacted by him at an inn at 
 Dartford. An account of the freak was written 
 by the late Mr. Hill, who took part in the 
 freak, acting as Mathews’s interpreter. He 
 called it his “Recollections of his Excel- 
 lency the Spanish Ambassador’s visit to 
 Captain Selby, on board the Prince Regent, 
 one of his Majesty’s frigates stationed at the 
 Nore, bv the Interpreter.” 
 
 The party hired a private coach, of large 
 capacity, and extremely showy, to convey 
 them to Gravesend as the suite of Mathews, 
 who personated an ambassador from Madrid 
 to the English Government, and four smart 
 lads, who were entrusted with the secret by 
 the payment of a liberal fee. The drivers 
 proved faithful to their promise. When they 
 arrived at the posting-house at Dartford, one 
 of the dri 7 ers dismounted, and communi- 
 cated to the innkeeper the character of the 
 nobleman (Mathews) inside the coach, and 
 that his mission to London had been attended 
 with the happiest result. The report spread 
 through Dartford like wildfire, and in about 
 ten minutes the carriage (having by previous 
 arrangement been detained) was surrounded 
 by at least two hundred people, all with 
 cheers and gratulations anxious to gain a 
 view of the important personage, who, decked 
 out with nearly twenty different stage jewels, 
 representing sham orders, bowed with obse- 
 
 ? uious dignity to the assembled multitude, 
 it was settled that the party should dine and 
 sleep at the Falcon Tavern, Gravesend, where 
 a sumptuous dinner was provided for his Ex- 
 cellency and suite. Previously, however, to 
 dinner-time, and to heighten the joke, they 
 promenaded the town and its environs, fol- 
 lowed by a large assemblage of men, women, 
 and children at a respectful distance, all of 
 whom preserved the greatest decorum. The 
 interpreter (Mr. Hill) seemed to communi- 
 cate and explain to the ambassador whatever 
 was of interest in their perambulation. On 
 their return to the inn, the crowd gradually 
 dispersed. The dinner was served in a sump - 
 tuous style, and two or three additional 
 waiters, dressed in their holiday clothes, were 
 hired for the occasion. 
 
 The ambassador, by medium of his inter- 
 preter, asked for two soups, and a portion of 
 four different dishe3 of fish, with oil, vinegar, 
 mustard, pepper, salt, and sugar, in the same 
 plate, which, apparently to the eyes of the 
 waiters, and to their utter astonishment and 
 surprise, he eagerly devoured. The waiters 
 had been cautioned by one of the suite not to 
 notice the manner in which his Excellency 
 ate his dinner, lest it should offend him ; and 
 their occasional absence from the room gave 
 Mathews or his companion an opportunity of 
 depositing the incongruous medley in the 
 ashes under the grate — a large fire having 
 been provided. The ambassador continued to 
 mingle the remaining viands, during dinner, 
 in a similar heterogeneous way. The chamber 
 in which his Excellency slept was brilliantly 
 
 illuminated with wax- candles, and in one 
 corner of the room a table was fitted up, under 
 the direction of one of the party, to represent 
 an oratory, with such appropriate apparatus 
 as could best be procured. A privat e sailing- 
 barge was moored at the stairs by the fountain 
 early the next morning, to convey the ambas- 
 sador and his attendants to the Prince Regent, 
 at the Nore. The people again assembled in 
 vast multitudes to witness the embarkation. 
 Carpets were placed on the stairs at the water’s 
 edge, for the state and comfort of his Excel- 
 lency ; who, the instant he entered the barge, 
 turned round and bade a grateful farewell to 
 the multitude, at the same time placing his 
 hand upon his bosom, and taking off his huge 
 cocked hat. The captain of the barge, a su- 
 premely illiterate good-humoured cockney, 
 was introduced most ceremoniously to the 
 ambassador, and purposely placed on his right 
 hand. It is impossible to describe the variety 
 of absurd and extravagant stratagems prac- 
 tised on the credulity of the captain by 
 Mathews, and with consummate success, until 
 the barge arrived in sight of the King’s 
 frigate, which, by a previous understanding, 
 recognised the ambassador by signals. The 
 offictrs were all dressed in full uniform, and 
 prepared to receive him. When on board, the 
 whole party threw off their disguises, and 
 were entertained by Captain Selby with a 
 splendid dinner, to which the lieutenants of 
 the ship were invited. After the banquet, 
 Mathews, in his own character, kept the 
 company in a high state of merriment by his 
 incomparable mimic powers for more than 
 ten hours, incorporating with admirable effect 
 the entire narrative of the journey to 
 Gravesend, and his “ acts and deeds ” at the 
 Falcon. Towards the close of the feast, and 
 about half an hour before the party took their 
 departure, in order to give the commander 
 and his officers a “touch of his quality,” 
 Mathews assumed his ambassadorial attire, 
 and the captain of the barge, still in igno- 
 rance of the joke, was introduced into the 
 cabin, between whom and his Excellency an 
 indescribable scene of rich burlesque was 
 enacted. The party left the ship for 
 Gravesend at four o’clock in the morning — 
 Mathews, in his “habit as he lived,” with 
 the addition of a pair of spectacles, which 
 he had a peculiar way of wearing to conceal 
 his identity, even from the most acute ob- 
 server. Mathews again resumed his station 
 by the side of the captain, as a person who 
 had left the frigate for a temporary purpose. 
 The simple captain recounted to Mathews 
 all that the Spanish ambassador had enacted, 
 both in his transit from Gravesend to the 
 Nore, and whilst he (the captain) was per- 
 mitted to join the festive board in the cabin, 
 with singular fidelity, and to the great 
 amusement of the original party, who, during 
 the whole of this ambassadorial excursion, 
 never lost their gravity, except when they 
 were left to themselves. They landed at 
 Gravesend, and from thence departed to 
 London, luxuriating upon the hoax. 
 
120 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 BREAKING OUT OF THE WAR BETWEEN 
 ENGLAND AND FRANCE IN 1803. 
 
 In 1802, Great Britain was tasting the bless- 
 ings and tranquillity of peace. Her industry and 
 finances prospered to an extraordinary degree : 
 the cessation of the income-tax conferred 
 comparative affluence on the middle classes ; 
 and the extinction of the debt was confidently 
 anticipated from the operation of the sinking 
 fund, now relieved from the counteracting 
 operation of annual loans. But these flatter- 
 ing prospects were of short duration. Inde- 
 pendent of the jealousy felt in England at 
 the continental encroachments of Napoleon, 
 several causes of irritation soon grew up to 
 impair the good understanding of the two 
 governments. The first of these was the 
 asperity with which the First Consul was 
 attacked in the English newspapers, particu- 
 larly the French journals published in Lon- 
 don ; and so deeply was Napoleon stung by 
 these lampoons, that his minister in London 
 was instructed to make a formal demand for 
 their suppression; and at the same time to 
 require that the Bourbon princes resident 
 in England, as well as Georges Cadouhal and 
 his Chouan associates, should be sent out of 
 the country. There extravagant demands, 
 involving the abandonment of the habeas 
 corpus and the liberty of the press, were of 
 course refused ; and the fact of their having 
 been advanced, only shows Napoleon’s utter 
 ignorance of the action of a free government ; 
 but, to remove all grounds for complaint, an 
 action for a libel on the First Consul was 
 brought against Peltier, the editor of the 
 most obnoxious of the French journals. He 
 was found guilty, notwithstanding a splendid 
 display of eloquence in his defence by Sir 
 James Mackintosh; but the breaking out 
 of the war prevented his being brought up 
 for judgment. 
 
 But more important grounds of quarrel 
 were soon found to widen the breach. The 
 French insisted on the evacuation of Malta, 
 Egypt, and the Cape, to which the English 
 refused to accede till the stipulations of the 
 peace of Luneville had been fulfilled by 
 France : while the mission of Colonel Sebas- 
 tiani to the Levant, to inquire into the state 
 of Egypt and Syria, proved that the First 
 Consul was far from having abandoned his 
 schemes of Oriental conquest. An angry 
 diplomatic correspondence ensued ; and in an 
 interview with the British Ambassador, 
 Lord Witworth (Feb. 21, 1803), the wrath 
 of Napoleon broke out with unrestrained 
 violence. Without denying his designs on 
 Egypt, which, he said, “ must sooner or later 
 belong to France ,” he insisted on the instant 
 evacuation of Malta as the only means of 
 preserving peace, and held out vehement 
 menaces of invading England in case of a 
 renewal of war. “I know,” he exclaimed, 
 “ that myself and great part of the expedi- 
 tion will probably go to the bottom, but I am 
 
 •determined to make the attempt 
 
 France, with an army of 480,000 men, and 
 England, with a fleet which is mistress of 
 
 the seas, might, if they understood each 
 other, govern the world, but by their strife 
 they will overturn it.” Hostile preparations 
 were now commenced on both sides ; and a 
 message of the King to Parliament, in 
 which the probability of war was alluded 
 to, produced a second ebullition of Napoleon 
 against Lord Witworth, in which the vehe- 
 mence of his temper lost sight of all re- 
 straints of courtesy or decency The nego- 
 tiations, however, were still kept open for 
 nearly two months ; but Malta on the one 
 hand, and Holland and Switzerland on the 
 other, proved insuperable obstacles to an 
 arrangement; and on the 12th May Lord 
 Witworth demanded his passports. The 
 declaration of war was followed, on the part 
 of Napoleon, by the arrest of all the En- 
 glish travelling in France, to the number of 
 above 10,000, mostly of the higher ranks — 
 an act of unnecessary barbarity, which he at - 
 tempted to justify by alleging the seizure of 
 some French merchant-vessels previous to 
 the formal declaration of war, but which 
 more than anything else excited the subse- 
 quent inveterate hostility against him in the 
 public mind of England. — Alison. 
 
 BOOKSELLER’S BLUNDER. 
 
 One day, a physician alighted from his 
 carriage, and entering the shop of a medical 
 bookseller, inquired of its sleek-faced master, 
 “ Whether he had a copy of * Heberden’s 
 Commentaries?”’ “No, sir,” replied the 
 man of letters, “ but we have ‘ Caesar’s Com- 
 mentaries,’ and they are by far the best.” 
 
 GILLRAY, THE CARICATURIST. 
 
 The facility -with which Gillray composed 
 his subjects, and the rapidity with which he 
 etched them, astonished these who were eye- 
 witnesses of his powers. This faculty was 
 early developed ; he seemed to perform all his 
 graphic operations without an effort. Many 
 years ago, he had an apartment in a court in 
 Holborn. A commercial agent for a print- 
 seller had received a commission to get a sa- 
 tirical design etched by Gillray, but he had 
 repeatedly called in his absence. He lived 
 at the west end of the town, and on his way 
 to the City waited on him again, when he 
 happened to be at home. 
 
 “ You have lost a good job and an useful 
 patron, Gillray,” said he, “but you are 
 always out.” “How? What — whatis} r our 
 object?” said the artist. “ I want this sub- 
 ject drawn and etched,” said the agent ; “ but 
 now it is too late.” “When is it wanted?” 
 “Why, to-morrow.” “It shall be done.” 
 “ Impossible, Gillray !” “ Where are you 
 going?” “ Onward to the Bank.” “When 
 do you return ?” “ At four o’clock.” It was 
 now eleven. “ I’ll bet you a bowl of punch 
 it shall be completed, etched, and bitten in, 
 and a proof before that time.” “ Done ! ” 
 The plate was finished ; it contained many 
 figures ; the parties were mutually delighted ; 
 and the affair ended with a tipsy bout at the 
 employer’s expense. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 121 
 
 HARLOW’S PICTURE OF THE “ TRIAL OF 
 QUEEN KATHERINE. 
 
 This picture originated with Mr. T. Welsh, 
 the meritorious professor of music, who com- 
 missioned Harlow to paint for him a kit-cat 
 size portrait of Mrs. Siddons, in the character 
 of Queen Katherine , in Shakspeare’s play of 
 “ Henry VIII.,” introducing a few of the 
 scenic accessories in the distance. For this 
 portrait Harlow was to receive twenty- five 
 guineas ; but the idea of representing Ihe 
 whole scene occurred to the artist, who, with 
 Mr. Welsh, prevailed upon most of the actors 
 to sit for their portraits : in addition to these 
 are introduced portraits of the friends of both 
 parties, including the artist himself. The 
 sum ultimately paid by Mr. Welsh was one 
 hundred guineas ; and a like sum was paid 
 by Mr. Cribb, for Harlow’s permission to en- 
 grave the well-known print. The panel upon 
 which the picture is painted is stated to have 
 cost the artist £15. 
 
 Concerning this picture, we find the follow- 
 ing notice, by Knowles, in his “Life of Fu- 
 seli — “ In the performance of this work, he 
 (Harlow) owed many obligations to Fuseli 
 for his critical remarks ; for, when he first 
 saw the picture, chiefly in dead-colouring, he 
 said, ‘ I do not disapprove of the general ar- 
 rangement of your work, and I see you will 
 give it a powerful effect of light and shadow ; 
 but you have here a composition of more 
 than twenty figures, or, I should rather say, 
 parts of figures, because you have not shown 
 one leg or foot, which makes it very defect- 
 ive. Now, if you do not know how to draw 
 legs and feet, I will show you’ — and, taking 
 up a crayon, he drew two on the wainscot of 
 the room. Harlow profited by these remarks ; 
 and the next time we saw the picture, the 
 whole arrangement in the foreground was 
 changed. Fuseli then said, ‘ So far you have 
 done well ; but now you have not introduced 
 a back figure, to throw the eye of the spec- 
 tator into the picture.’ And then pointed out 
 by what means he might improve it in this 
 particular. Accordingly, Harlow introduced 
 the two boys who are taking up the cushion.” 
 
 It has been stated that the majority of the 
 actors in the scene sat for their portraits in 
 this picture. Mr. Kemble, however, refused, 
 when asked to do so by Mr. Welsh, strength- 
 ening his refusal with emphasis profane. 
 Harlow was not to be defeated, and he actu- 
 ally drew Mr. Kemble’s portrait in one of the 
 stage-boxes of Covent-Garden Theatre, while 
 the great actor was playing his part on the 
 stage. The vexation of such a ruse to a man 
 of Mr. Kemble’s temperament can better be 
 imagined than described ; how it succeeded, 
 must be left to the judgment of the reader. 
 Egerton, Pope, and Stephen Kemble were 
 successively painted for Henry VIII., the 
 artist retaining the latter. The head of Mr. 
 Charles Kemble was likewise twice painted : 
 the first, which cost Mr. C. Kemble many 
 sittings, was considered by himself and others 
 very successful. The artist thought other- 
 wise; and, contrary to Mr. Kemble’s wish 
 
 and remonstrance, he one morning painted 
 out the approved head : in a day or two, 
 however, entirely from recollection, Harlow 
 re-painted the portrait with increased fidelity. 
 Mrs. Siddons held her uplifted arm frequently 
 till she could hold it raised no longer, and 
 the majestic limb was finished from the arm 
 of Mrs. Welsh. 
 
 A CLOSER. 
 
 “As somebody was saying yesterday at 
 White’s,” observed a man at the capital table 
 of the late Lord S , and was about to re- 
 late some thrice-told tale, when Lord 
 
 interrupted him with, “ If I wanted to know 
 what any one said at White’s I would go 
 there and hear it. I prefer something which 
 you both think and say yourself, or, at all 
 events, something new and original.” 
 
 tycho brahe’s love of the marvellous. 
 
 The same disposition of mind which made 
 Tycho an astrologer and an alchemist, in- 
 spired him with a singular love of the mar- 
 vellous. He had various automata with 
 which he delighted to astonish the pea- 
 sants ; and by means of invisible bells, which 
 communicated with every part of his esta- 
 blishment, and which rung with the gentlest 
 touch, he had great pleasure in bringing any 
 of his pupils suddenly before strangers, mut- 
 tering at a particular time the words “ Come 
 hither, Peter,” as if he had commanded their 
 presence by some supernatural agency. If, 
 on leaving home, he met with an old woman 
 or a hare, he returned immediately to his 
 house. But the most extraordinary of all his 
 peculiarities remains to be noticed. When he 
 lived at Uraniburg he maintained an idiot of 
 the name of Lep, who lay at his feet when- 
 ever he sat down to dinner, and whom he 
 fed with his own hand. Persuaded that his 
 mind, when moved, was capable of foretel- 
 ling future events, Tycho carefully marked 
 everything he said. Lest it should be sup- 
 posed that this was done to no purpose, 
 Longomontanus relates that when any per- 
 son in the island was sick, Lep never, when 
 interrogated, failed to predict whether the 
 patient would live or die. It is stated also 
 in the letters of Wormius, both to Gassendi 
 and Peyter, that when Tycho was absent, 
 and his pupils became very noisy and merry 
 in consequence of not expecting him soon 
 home, the idiot, who was present, exclaimed, 
 Juncker xaa laudit (“ Your master has ar- 
 rived”). On another occasion, when Tycho 
 had sent two of his pupils to Copenhagen 
 on business, and had fixed the day of their 
 return, Lep surprised him on that day while 
 he was at dinner, by exclaiming, “ Behold, 
 your pupils are bathing in the sea.” Tycho, 
 suspecting that they were shipwrecked, sent 
 some person to the observatory to look for 
 their boat. The messenger brought back 
 word that he saw some persons wet on the 
 shore, and in distress, with a boat upset at a 
 great distance. These stories have been 
 given by Gassendi, and may be viewed as 
 specimens of the superstition of the age. 
 
122 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 TOM HILL. 
 
 A few days ere the year 1840 was con- 
 signed to the grave of time, the town lost 
 one of its choicest spirits, and humanity one 
 of her kindest-hearted sons — in the death of 
 Thomas Hill, Esq. ; “Tom Hill,” as he was 
 called by all who loved and knew him. His 
 life exemplified one venerable proverb, and 
 disproved another : he was born in May, 
 1760, and was, consequently, in his 81st year, 
 and “ as old as the hills having led a long 
 life and a merry one. How he attained this 
 longevity is hard to tell ; but we are informed 
 that his hospitality was well-regulated ; that 
 he did not, like Bannister, sit up at nights to 
 watch his constitution ; but that he was a 
 remarkably early riser ; “ and, perhaps, to 
 this cause may be attributed the cheerful 
 and green old age that he enjoyed.” So spe- 
 culates his biographer in Bentley's Miscellany ; 
 but we incline rather to attribute this rare 
 instance of convivial long life to Hill’s gaiete 
 de cceur, to his healthy mind, and to the cur- 
 rent of benevolence that constituted his life- 
 blood, and the genial warmth of sentiment 
 that shone round his very heart. He enjoyed 
 the appellation of “ the Merry Bachelor ;” 
 but he was merry and wise. Yet his life was 
 chequered with adversity: it had its care3 
 and crosses : he was, for many years, exten- 
 sively engaged in business ; but, about the 
 year 1810, having sustained a severe loss by 
 a speculation in indigo, he retired upon the 
 remains of his property to his chambers in 
 the Adelphi, where he died on December 20, 
 it is stated, from a severe cold taken in a 
 damp bed at Rouen, during the autumn, 
 from which he never rallied. “ He expired 
 without a struggle, breathing his last as if 
 falling into a tranquil slumber. His death 
 was but the quiet repose of exhausted na- 
 ture ; but her works were worn out, and 
 ceased to act. His physician’s remark to 
 him was, * I can do no more for you — I have 
 done all I can. I cannot cure age.’ ” 
 
 We need scarcely remind the reader that 
 Mr. Hill was the Hull of his friend, Mr. 
 Theodore Hook’s clever novel of “ Gilbert 
 Gurney,” beyond comparison the best book 
 of its class produced in our time. It is also 
 related that Hill furnished Mr. Poole with 
 the original of his humorous character of 
 Paul Pry ; but this statement is very doubt- 
 ful, for Paul Pry, if we mistake not, is of 
 Erench extraction. It is, however, more 
 certain that “ Pooh, pooh !” and other habi- 
 tual expressions of Mr. Hill’s, may have been 
 introduced by Mr. Poole into the character. 
 “ Mr. Hill,” it may here be added, “ had the 
 entree to both Houses of Parliament, the 
 theatres, and almost all places of public resort. 
 He was to be met with at the private view 
 of the Royal Academy, and every kind of 
 exhibition. So especially was he favoured, 
 that it was recorded by a wag, that, when 
 asked whether he had seen the new comet, 
 he replied, “Pooh, pooh! I was present at 
 the private view !” Mr. Hill, to borrow 
 from Mr. Hook’s portrait, “ happened to 
 
 know everything that was going forward in 
 all circles — mercantile, political, fashionable, 
 literary, or theatrical; in addition to all 
 matters connected with military and naval 
 affairs, agriculture, finance, art, and science — 
 everything came alike to him.” Such a man 
 was, of course, sure of success as a “ col- 
 lector ” of literary curiosities. Even while in 
 business as a drysalter at the unlettered 
 Queenhithe, he found leisure to accumulate a 
 fine collection of old books, chiefly old poetry, 
 which afterwards, when misfortunes overtook 
 him, was valued at six thousand pounds! 
 Hill was likewise a Macasnas : he patronised 
 two friendless poets — Bloomfield and Eirke 
 White. The “ Farmer’s Boy ” of the former 
 was read and admired by him in manu- 
 script, and was recommended to a publisher ; 
 after which, Hill rendered very essential 
 service to its success by talking in society of 
 its merits. Mr. Hill established, also, The 
 Monthly Mirror, which brought him much 
 into connexion with dramatic poets, actors, 
 and managers. To this periodical work, 
 Kirke White became a contributor ; and this 
 encouragement induced him, about the close 
 of the year 1802, to commit a little volume 
 of poetry to the press. Air. Southey, in his 
 “ Life of Kirke White,” refers to Mr. Hill as 
 possessing one of the most copious collections 
 of English poetry in existence. 
 
 THE LATE GEORGE COLMAN. 
 
 On the first appearance of Colman at Court, 
 as Lieutenant of the Yeoman of the Guard, 
 George IY. turned to the Duke of Wel- 
 lington, gold stick in waiting, and remarked, 
 “ George Colman puts me in mind of 
 Pam.” “ If that is the case,” exclaimed Col- 
 man, “ the only difference between the Duke 
 of Wellington and me is, that I am the hero 
 of Loo — he of Water-loo.” 
 
 a Dutchman’s testimony. 
 
 “ I will tell you, such is the powers of de 
 Shakspeer, that I vunce saw de plays arcted 
 in Anglish languish, in Holland, where der 
 was not vun persons in all de house but 
 myself could understond it ; yet dare was not 
 a persons in all dat house but vat vas in tears, 
 dat is, all crying, blowing de nose, and veep 
 very mouch — couldn’t onderstond vun vurd 
 of the play, yet all veeping. Such was de 
 powers of de Shakspeer.” 
 
 ROYAL MATCH-MAKING. 
 
 When the present King of the Belgians, 
 after an absence of some years, paid a visit to 
 his former friend, the Duke of Orleans 
 (Louis Philip'pe), his Majesty of the French 
 said to him, “ Well, now, you will want a 
 wife. I have three charming girls. My 
 Louisa is fair and flaxen ; my Marie is brown, 
 and black-haired ; my Clementine is, perhaps, 
 too young for you : but you shall see them 
 all, and it is a hard thing indeed if one will 
 not please you.” He was not long before he 
 made his choice, and the fair and sweet 
 Louisa soon became Queen of the Belgians. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 123 
 
 WOOL-GATHERING. 
 
 A very patriotic landlord, Squire Henry, 
 of Straffan, county of Kildare, had hit on an 
 expedient to benefit the wool-growers in ge- 
 neral, and his numerous tenantry in particu- 
 lar. Knowing that market value is in the 
 direct ratio of demand and scarcity, he an- 
 nually buried the wool shorn from his own 
 sheep, lest it might interfere with the pro- 
 fitable sale of his tenants’ fleeces. But, alas ! 
 this generous system of self-sacrifice did not 
 work well. The result was — though Squire 
 Henry never suspected the existence of such 
 turpitude in the human heart — the ungrate- 
 ful tenantry dug up by night what he buried 
 by day ; wool never rose in price, and they 
 never were able to pay up their arrears of 
 rent. 
 
 foote’s envy. 
 
 Foote could not bear to see anybody or 
 anything succeed in the Haymarket but him- 
 self and his own writings, and forgot that a 
 failure of the new scheme might possibly 
 endanger the regular payment of his annuity. 
 His pique broke out sometimes in downright 
 rudeness. One morning he came hopping 
 upon the stage during the rehearsal of the 
 “Spanish Barber,” then about to be pro- 
 duced; the performers were busy in that 
 scene of the piece when one servant is under 
 the influence of a sleeping draught, and 
 another of a sneezing powder. “ Well,” said 
 Foote drily to the manager, “ how do you go 
 on ?” “ Pretty well,” was the answer ; * l but 
 I cannot teach one of these fellows to gape as 
 he ought to do.” “Can’t you?” replied 
 Foote, “ then read him your last comedy of 
 ‘ The Man of Business,’ and he’ll yawn for a 
 month.” 
 
 On another occasion, he was not less coarse 
 though more laughable, to an actor, than he 
 had been to the manager. This happened 
 when Digges, of much celebrity out of Lon- 
 don, and who had come to town from Edin- 
 burgh, covered with Scottish laurels, made 
 his first appearance in the Haymarket. He 
 had studied the antiquated style of acting ; 
 in short, he was a fine bit of old stage-buck- 
 ram, and Cato was therefore selected for his 
 first essay. He “discharged the character ” 
 in the same costume as it is to be supposed 
 was adopted by Booth, wjien the play was 
 originally acted ; that is, in 'a shape, as it was 
 technically termed, of the stiffest order, de- 
 corated with gilt leather upon a black ground, 
 with black stockings, black gloves, and a 
 powdered periwig. Foote had planted him- 
 self in the pit, when Digges stalked on be- 
 fore the public thus formidably accoutred. 
 The malicious wag waited till the customary 
 round of applause had subsided, and then 
 ejaculated, in a pretended under-tone, loud 
 enough to be heard by all around him, “ A 
 Homan chimney-sweeper on May-day ! ” 
 The laughter which this produced in the pit 
 was enough to knock up a debutant, and it 
 startled the old stager personating the stoic 
 of Utica : the sarcasm was irresistibly funny, 
 but Foote deserved to be kicked out of the 
 
 house for his cruelty, and his insolence in 
 mingling with the audience for the purpose 
 of disconcerting a brother actor. 
 
 COLONEL MELLISH. 
 
 The star of the race-course of modern 
 times was the late Colonel 1VJ ellish, certainly 
 the cleverest man of his day, as regards the 
 science and practice of the turf. No one 
 could match (i. e. make matches) with him, 
 nor could any one excel him in handicaping 
 horse3 in a race. But, indeed, “nihil erat 
 quod non tetigit ; nihil quod tetigit non or- 
 navit.” He beat Lord Frederick Bentinck 
 in a foot-race over Newmarket Heath. He 
 was a clever painter, a fine horseman, a brave 
 soldier, a scientific farmer, and an exquisite 
 coachman. But — as his friends said of him 
 — not content with being the second-best man 
 of his day, he would be the first, which was 
 fatal to his fortune and his fame. It, how- 
 ever, delighted us to see him in public, in 
 the meridian of his almost unequalled popu- 
 larity, and the impression he made upon us 
 remains. We remember even the style of 
 his dress, peculiar for its lightness of hue — 
 his neat white hat, white trousers, white silk 
 stockings, ay, and we may add, his white, 
 but handsome, face. There was nothing 
 black about him but his hair, and his mus- 
 tachios which he wore by virtue of his com- 
 mission, and which to him were an ornament. 
 The like of his style of coming bn the race- 
 course at Newmarket was never witnessed 
 there before him, nor since. He drove his 
 barouche himself, drawn by four beautiful 
 white horses, with two outriders on matches 
 to them, ridden in harness bridles. In his 
 rear was a saddle-horse groom, leading a 
 thorough-bred hack, and at the rubbing-post 
 on the heath was another groom — all in 
 crimson liveries — waiting with a second hack. 
 But we marvel when we think of his esta- 
 blishment. We remember him with thirty- 
 eight race-horses in training, seventeen 
 coach-horses, twelve hunters in Leicester- 
 shire, four chargers at Brighton, and not a 
 few hacks ! But the worst is yet to come. 
 By his racing speculations he was a gainer, 
 his judgment pulling him through ; but when 
 we heard that he would play to the extent 
 of £40,000 at a sitting — yes, he once staked 
 that sum on a throw — we were not surprised 
 that the domain of Blythe passed into other 
 hands ; and that the once accomplished 
 owner of it became the tenant of a premature 
 grave. “ The bowl of pleasure (says John- 
 son) is poisoned by reflection on the cost,” 
 and here it was drunk to the dregs. Colonel 
 Mellish ended his days, not in poverty, for 
 he acquired a competency with his lady, but 
 in a small house within sight of the mansion 
 that had been the pride of his ancestors and 
 himself. As, however, the wind is tempered 
 to the shorn lamb, Colonel Mellish was not 
 without consolation. He never wronged any 
 one but himself ; and, as an owner of race- 
 horses, and a bettor, his character was with- 
 out spot.— Nimrod. 
 
• 124 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CITY TOASTING. 
 
 In the Attic Miscellany for October, 1790, 
 is the following anecdote ; viz. “ After a 
 splendid dinner, one day l'ast year, at the 
 London Tavern, the chairman gave the usual 
 toast of ‘The Adelphi,’ in allusion to the 
 Royal brothers ; when a certain knight, who 
 was present, when it came to his turn to give 
 a toast, said with great gravity, ‘ Mr. Chair- 
 man, as we are giving public buildings, I’ll 
 awe you my house at Taunton ! 
 
 OLD SQUIBS. 
 
 Richard Rentlev and Charles Boyle (Earl 
 of Orrery) had a warm dispute relative to the 
 genuineness of the Greek Epistles of Pha- 
 laris, an edition of which was published by 
 the latter. Bentley was victorious, though 
 he Avas kept in hot water by the critics and 
 wits of the age. Dr. Garth assailed him 
 thus : — 
 
 “ So diamonds owe a lustre to their foil, 
 
 And to a Bentley ’tis we owe a Boyle .” 
 
 Conyers Middleton Avas a sad thorn in Bent- 
 ley’s side, from the latter having called the 
 former, when a young student in the Univer- 
 sity, fiddling Conyers, because he played on 
 the violin. A punning caricature represented 
 Bentley about to be thrust into the brazen 
 bull ofPhalaris, and exclaiming, “ I had ra- 
 ther be roasted than Boyled.” 
 
 handel’s music. 
 
 During the latter part of Handel’s life, 
 about the year 1753, in the Lent season, a 
 minor canon from the cathedral of Gloucester 
 proffered his services to Handel to sing. His 
 offer Avas accepted, and he was employed in 
 the choruses. Not satisfied with this depart- 
 ment, he requested leave to sing a solo air, 
 that his voice might be heard to more ad- 
 vantage. This request was also granted ; 
 but he executed his solo so little to the satis- 
 faction of the audience, that he was, to his 
 great mortification, violently hissed. When 
 the performance was over, by way of consola- 
 tion, Handel made him the following speech : 
 — “I am very sorry, very sorry for you, 
 indeed, my dear sir ; but go back to your 
 church in de country. God vill forgive you 
 for your bad singing ; dese wicked people in 
 London, dey vill not forgive you.” 
 
 While Marylebone Gardens were flourish- 
 ing (says Mr. Smith), the enchanting music 
 of Handel, and probably of Arne, was often 
 heard from the orchestra there. One even- 
 ing, as my grandfather and Handel were 
 walking together and alone, a new piece was 
 struck up by the band. “ Come, Mr. Foun- 
 tayne,” said Handel, “let us sit down and 
 listen to this piece; I want to know your 
 opinion of it.” DoAvn they sat, and, after 
 some time, Mr. Fountayne, the old parson, 
 turning to his companion, said, “It is not 
 worth listening to ; it is very poor stuff.” 
 “ You are right, Mr. Fountayne,” said Han- 
 del, “it is very poor stuff; I thought so 
 myself, when I had finished it.” The old 
 
 gentleman, being taken by surprise, was 
 beginning to apologise, but Handel assured 
 him there was no necessity ; that the music 
 Avas really bad, having been composed has- 
 tily, and his time for the production being 
 limited ; and that the opinion was as correct 
 as it was honest. 
 
 NOBLES OF JOHANNA. 
 
 We had long been aware that the poten- 
 tates of the Guinea coast not only assume 
 English titles, but wear under, or in place of, 
 diadems, the cast-off wigs of our Lord Chan- 
 cellors ; but we were not prepared for what 
 follows in the latitude of the Mozambique 
 Channel, as related by Capt. Basil Hall : — 
 
 “ We proceeded to our guide’s house, Avhere 
 he introduced us, not indeed to his wives, 
 for all those ladies Avere stowed away behind 
 a screen of mats, but to some of the males of 
 his family, and, amongst others, to a queer, 
 copper -coloured gentleman, who styled him- 
 self, in his communications Avith us, ‘the 
 Duke of Devonshire,’ and begged very hard 
 to be allowed the honour of having our linen 
 to wash. His Grace was a little dumpy fel- 
 low, who stooped considerably, wore neither 
 shoes nor stockings, and exhibited so little 
 of a nose, that when you caught his counte- 
 nance in profile, the facial line, as the phy- 
 siognomists call it, suffered no interruption 
 when drawn from the broAV to the lips. The 
 poor Duke little knew the cause of the laugh- 
 ter Avhich his occupation, title, and the con- 
 trast of looks, excited in those of our party 
 who had seen his Grace’s noble namesake in 
 the opposite hemisphere. 
 
 “ Most of the natives of Johanna, even the 
 negro slaves, talk a little English; but the 
 best examples of such acquirements were 
 found, where they ought to be, amongst the 
 grandees of the island. The following is a 
 fair specimen of the conversation of the dukes 
 and earls at the capital of the Comoros : — 
 
 ‘ Hoav do you do, sir? Very glad see you, 
 d — n your eyes! Johanna man like English 
 very much. God d — n ! That very good ? 
 Eh ? Devilish hot, sir ! What news ? Hope 
 your ship stay too long while, very. D — n 
 my eye ! Very fine day.’ After Avhich, in 
 a sort of whisper, accompanied by a most in- 
 sinuating smile, his lordship or his grace (as 
 the rank of the party might be) would add, 
 ‘You want orange? You Avant goat — cheap? 
 I got good, very. You send me you clothes ; 
 I Avash with my own hand — clean ! fine ! 
 verjL I got eA T ery thing — plenty, great, much ! 
 God d — n!’ And then, as if to clench the 
 favourable opinion which these eloquent ap- 
 peals had made, the speaker was sure to pro- 
 duce a handful of certificates from mates of 
 Indiamen, masters of Yankee brigs, and mid- 
 dies of men-of-war ; some Avritten in solemn 
 earnest, some quizzically, but all declaring 
 his lordship, the bearer, to be a pretty good 
 Avasherman, but the sort of person not to be 
 trusted far out of sight, as he would certainly 
 walk off with your clothes-bag if he could 
 safely do so.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 125 
 
 “hope told a flattering tale.” 
 
 Dr. Walcot and Madame Mara were on 
 terms of the greatest intimacy. He wrote 
 the song of “ Hope Told a Flattering Tale” 
 expressly for her, and she sang it for the 
 first time at one of her own benefits. The 
 next day she sold the manuscript. The Dr. 
 had already done the same, and the two pur- 
 chasers, after a long dispute, which neither 
 had the power to settle, agreed to wait on 
 Mara, and solicit her interference. She con- 
 sented, and, as she was going in search of 
 Dr. Walcot, he happened to cross her path 
 in the Haymarket. He had already heard 
 of the circumstance, and, like the prima 
 donna, was not disposed to refund the money 
 he had received. “ What is to be done ? ” 
 said Mara. “ Cannot you say you were in- 
 toxicated when you sold it ? ” “ Cannot you 
 say the same of yourself? ” replied the sati- 
 rist ; “ one story would be believed as soon 
 as the other.” 
 
 CURRAN AND THE FARMER. 
 
 A farmer attending a fair with a hundred 
 pounds in his pocket, took the precaution of 
 depositing it in the hands of the landlord 
 of the public-house at which he stopped. 
 Having occasion for it shortly afterwards, he 
 resorted to mine host for the bailment ; but 
 the landlord, too deep for the countryman, 
 wondered what hundred was meant, and was 
 quite sure no such sum had ever been lodged 
 in his hands by the astonished rustic. After 
 ineffectual appeals to the recollection, and 
 finally, to the honour of Bardolph, the farmer 
 applied to Curran for advice. “ Have pa- 
 tience, my friend,” said the counsel ; “ speak 
 to the landlord civilly, and tell him you are 
 convinced you must have left your money 
 with some other person. Take a friend with 
 you, and lodge with him another hundred in 
 the presence of your friend, and then come 
 to me.” We must imagine and not commit 
 to paper the vociferations of the honest dupe 
 at such advice. However, moved by the 
 rhetoric or authority of the worthy counsel, 
 he followed it, and returned to his legal 
 friend. “ And now, sir, I don’t see as I’m to 
 be better off for this, if I get my second hun- 
 dred again : but how is that to be done ? ” 
 “ Go and ask him for it when he is alone,” 
 said the counsel. “Ay, sir; but asking 
 won’t do, I’ze afraid, without my witness, at 
 any rate.” Never mind, take my advice,” 
 said the counsel : “ do as I bid you and re- 
 turn to me.” The farmer returned with his 
 hundred, glad, at any rate, to find that safe 
 again in his possession. “ Now sir, I sup- 
 pose I must be content ; but I don’t see as 
 I’m much better off.” “ Well, then,” said 
 the counsel, “ now take your friend with you, 
 and ask the landlord for the hundred pounds 
 your friend saw you leave with him.” We 
 need not add, that the wily landlord found 
 that he had been taken off his guard, while 
 our honest friend returned to thank his 
 counsel exultingly, with both hundreds in 
 his pocket. 
 
 HIP, HIP, HURRA! 
 
 During the stirring times of the Crusades, 
 the chivalry of Europe was excited to arms 
 by the inflammatory appeals of the well- 
 known Peter the Hermit. * While preaching 
 the crusade, this furious zealot was accustomed 
 to exhibit a banner, emblazoned with the 
 following letters, H.E.P., the initials of the 
 Latin words “ Hierosylma est perdita” ( J eru- 
 salem is destroyed). The people in some of 
 the countries which he visited not being ac- 
 quainted with the Latin, read and pronounced 
 the inscription as if one word — hep. The 
 followers of the Hermit were accustomed 
 (whenever an unfortunate Jew appeared in 
 the streets) to raise the cry, “Hep hep, 
 hurra ! ” to hunt him down, and flesh upon 
 the defenceless Israelite their maiden swords, 
 before they essayed their temper with the 
 scimetar of the Saracen. 
 
 THE SEPTEMBER MASSACRES OF THE FRENCH 
 REVOLUTION OF 1792. 
 
 At two in the morning of 2nd September, 
 the city drums were beat ostensibly for the 
 march of the Parisian battalions to reinforce 
 the armies of the frontier. It was the con- 
 certed signal of massacre ; and the chosen 
 assassins, liberally supplied with money and 
 spirits, and harangued by Robespierre, Billaud 
 Varennes, and Collot d’Herbois, were 
 speedily ready for every atrocity. The Ab- 
 baye was the prison first attacked, the vic- 
 tims, seized separately, were dragged before 
 an inexorable tribunal, and turned out among 
 the murderers in the court, through whose 
 repeated blows they were compelled to run 
 the gauntlet till they expired — while the 
 multitude, among whom were a vast number 
 of women, danced like cannibals round their 
 mangled corpses. Similar massacres took 
 place in all the other prisons : in that of the 
 Carmes, the venerable Archbishop of Arles 
 was slaughtered, with more than 200 clergy. 
 The Princess de Lambelle, who was a prisoner 
 in La Petite Force, was tom to pieces, and 
 her head with the fragments of her body, 
 paraded before the window of the Duke of 
 Orleans, who rose from dinner to enjoy the 
 ghastly spectacle. Above 5000 persons pe- 
 rished in the various prisons during this 
 dreadful scene of carnage, which continued 
 uninterrupted from the 2nd to the 6th of 
 September. Even the felons in the Bicetre, 
 whose offences had no political character, 
 were massacred in the indiscriminate thirst 
 for blood, which only ceased when no more 
 victims could be found. The confiscation of 
 the whole effects of the slaughtered captives, 
 and of the property of the emigrants, which 
 was sold at the same time, became the source 
 of immense wealth to the municipality ; but 
 no account could ever be obtained either of 
 the amount or disposal of this enormous 
 plunder. The jewel-office in the Tuilleries 
 iyas also pillaged one night, and the costly 
 ornaments of the crown disappeared forever; 
 but it was never known into whose hands 
 mo3t of the jewels fell. — Alison. 
 
126 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 PORT WINE AND PARALYSIS. 
 
 From Mr. Savory, formerly of Bond-street, 
 we remember to have heard an account, 
 several years ago, of a friend of his, a 
 Baronet, well known in the gay world, 
 having been seized with paralysis, and find- 
 ing himself, on his return from a convivial 
 party, suddenly deprived of speech and power 
 of moving one side of his body. Either from 
 feelings of desperation, or an impulse of 
 mental aberration, the gentleman had a bottle 
 of port-wine brought to his bed-side, and 
 having finished it, he turned with great com- 
 posure on his side and went to sleep. That 
 gentleman lived long after, his intellect 
 wholly unimpaired, his speech restored, and 
 his general health as good as it ever was; 
 and he long discussed his bottle or two of 
 port wine with apparent impunity. 
 
 TURNING THE GRINDSTONE. 
 
 Dr. Franklin relates the following amusing 
 illustration of the common cunning of men 
 turning their fellows to account : — “ When I 
 was a little boy, I remember one cold win- 
 ter’s morning I was accosted by a smiling 
 man with an axe on his shoulder : 4 My 
 pretty boy,’ said he, ‘has your father a 
 grindstone ? ’ ‘Yes, sir,’ said I. ‘ You are a 
 fine little fellow,’ said he, ‘ will you let me 
 grind my axe on it ? ’ Pleased with his com- 
 pliment of ‘ fine little fellow,’ ‘ O yes, sir,’ I 
 answered, ‘ it is down in the shop.’ ‘ And 
 will you, my man,’ said he, patting me on the 
 head, ‘ get a little hot water ? ’ How could 
 I refuse ? I ran and soon brought a kettle- 
 ful. ‘How old are you, and what ’s your 
 name?’ continued he, without waiting for 
 a reply ; ‘ I am sure you are one of the finest 
 fellows that ever I have seen ; will you just 
 turn a few minutes for me ? ’ Tickled with 
 the flattery, like a fool, I went to work, and 
 bitterly did I rue the day. It was a new 
 axe, and I toiled and tugged till I was almost 
 tired to death. The school-bell rang, and I 
 could not get away: my hands were blis- 
 tered, and it was not half ground. At 
 length, however, the axe was sharpened, and 
 the man turned to me with ‘Now, you little 
 rascal, you’ve played the truant; scud to 
 school, or you’ll rue it.’ Alas ! thought I, it 
 was hard enough to turn a grindstone this 
 cold day, but now to be called a little rascal 
 was too much. It sank deep into my mind, 
 and often have I thought of it since. When 
 I see a merchant over polite to his customers 
 — begging of them to take a little brandy , 
 and throwing his goods on the counter — 
 thinks I, that man has an axe to grind. 
 When I see a man flattering the people, 
 making great professions of attachment to 
 liberty, who is in private life a tyrant, rae- 
 thinks, look out, good people, that .fellow 
 would set you turning grindstones. When I 
 see a man hoisted into office by party spirit, 
 without a single qualification to render him 
 either respectable or useful, alas! methinks, 
 deluded people, you are doomed for a season 
 to turn the grindstone for a booby.” 
 
 A COMMON CASE. 
 
 “ Doctor,” said a person once to a surgeon, 
 “my daughter has had a terrible fit this 
 morning: she continued full half an hour 
 without knowledge or understanding.” “Oh,” 
 replied the doctor, “ never mind that ; many 
 people continue so all their lives.” 
 
 LOVE AND MADNESS. 
 
 About the year 1780, a young East Indian, 
 whose name was Dupree, left his Father- 
 land to visit a distant relation, a merchant, 
 on Fish-street Hill. During the young man’s 
 stay, he was waited on by the servant of the 
 house, a country-girl, Rebecca Griffiths, 
 chiefly remarkable for the plainness of her 
 person, and the quiet meekness of her man- 
 ners. The circuit of pleasure run, and yearn- 
 ing again for home, the visitor at length 
 prepared for his departure : the chaise came 
 to the door, and shaking of hands, with ten- 
 derer salutations, adieus, and farewells, fol- 
 lowed in the usual abundance. Rebecca, in 
 whom an extraordinary depression had for 
 some days previously been perceived, was in 
 attendance, to help to pack the luggage. The 
 leave-taking of friends and relations at 
 length completed, with a guinea squeezed 
 into his humble attendant’s hand, and a brief 
 “ God bless you, Rebecca ! ” the young man 
 sprang into the chaise, the driver smacked 
 his whip, and the vehicle was rolling rapidly 
 out of sight, when a piercing shriek from 
 Rebecca, who had stood to all appearance 
 vacantly gazing on what had passed, alarmed 
 the family, then retiring into the house. 
 They hastily turned round: to their infinite 
 surprise, Rebecca was seen -wildly following 
 the chaise. She was rushing with the velo- 
 city of lightning along the middle of the 
 road, her hair streaming in the wind, and her 
 whole appearance that of a desperate maniac ! 
 Proper persons were immediately dis- 
 patched after her, but she was not secured 
 till she had gained the Borough ; when she 
 was taken in a state of incurable madness to 
 Bethlem Hospital, where she some years after 
 died. The guinea he had given her— her 
 richest treasure — her only wealth — she never 
 suffered, during life, to quit her hand: she 
 grasped it still more firmly in her dying 
 moments, and at her request, in the last 
 gleam of returning reason — the lightning 
 before death — it was buried with her. There 
 was a tradition in Bedlam, that through the 
 heartless cupidity of the keeper, it was sacri- 
 legiously wrenched from her, and that her 
 ghost might be seen every night, gliding 
 through the dreary cells of that melancholy 
 building, in search of her lover’s gift, and 
 mournfully asking the glaring maniacs for 
 her lost guinea. 
 
 It was Mr. Dupree’s only consolation, after 
 her death, that the excessive homeliness of 
 her person, and her retiring air and manners, 
 had never even suffered him to indulge in the 
 most trifling freedom with her. She had 
 loved hopelessly, and paid the forfeiture with 
 sense and life. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 127 
 
 marmontel’s friends. 
 
 Of his editorship of Le Mercure, Marmontel 
 has preserved some very amusing reminis- 
 cences. In his undertaking, which he con- 
 sidered arduous, he was sometimes assisted 
 bv a few friends, of two of whom he speaks 
 nearly in the following terms : — “ At a 
 jeweller’s who lived in the Place Dauphine, 
 I often dined with two poets of the old Opera 
 Comique, whose talent was mirth, and who 
 were never so well in tune as when under a 
 vine at a guingette (tea gardens). Their 
 happiest state was in being intoxicated ; but, 
 before getting so, they had moments of in- 
 spiration which made me think of what Ho- 
 race says of wine. One, whose name was 
 Galet, passed for a vaurien (worthless fel- 
 low) ; I never saw him but at table, and I 
 only speak of him from his being connected 
 with Panard, who was a good man, and 
 whom I loved. However, this vaurien was 
 an original worth knowing ; he was a grocer 
 of the Rue des Lombardes, more attentive to 
 the theatre than to his shop, and was ruined 
 when I knew him. He was dropsical, but 
 did not drink the less, and was as jovial as 
 ever ; he cared as little about death as he did 
 about life, and even in poverty, in prison, 
 upon a bed of sickness, and almost at the 
 point of death, he laughed at everything. 
 After his failure, he took shelter in the Tem- 
 ple, at that time a place of refuge for debtors, 
 When he was near dying, the Yicaire du 
 Temple came to administer the extreme 
 unction to him. ‘Ah! Monsieur l’Abbe,’ 
 said Galet, ‘you are come to grease my 
 boots ; that is of no use to me, I am going 
 by water.’ he was then in the last stage of 
 the dropsy. The same day he wrote to his 
 friend Colle, a copy of verses to the tune of 
 t A.ccompagn6 de plusieurs autres ,’ his last 
 flash of wit. 
 
 “ Panard was as careless as his friend, as 
 forgetful of the past, and as negligent of the 
 future. How he should procure food, lodg- 
 ing, or clothing, did not trouble him ; that 
 was his friends’ concern, and he had good 
 friends. In manners, as in mind, he had a 
 great deal of the simplicity of La Fontaine. 
 Never exterior showed less genius ; he, how- 
 ever, had it in his thoughts and expressions. 
 More than once, when at table, I have heard 
 this huge mass entre deux vins (half drunk) 
 repeat impromptu verses, full of ease, ele- 
 gance, and grace. If at any time, in com- 
 posing the Mercure , I wanted a few verses to 
 fill up a page, I went to see my friend Pa- 
 nard. ‘Rummage the wig-box,’ said he. 
 In this wig-box were heaped up pele-mele, 
 scraps of paper on which were scrawled the 
 verses of this charming poet. Seeing al- 
 most all these manuscripts stained with 
 wine, I reproached him for it. ‘ Never mind 
 that,’ said he, ‘ that is the seal of genius.’ 
 He had such a tender affection for wine, that 
 he always spoke of it as the friend of his 
 heart ; and, with the glass in his hand, ad- 
 miring the object of his worship and delight, 
 he was often moved even to tears. After 
 
 the death of his friend Galet, on meeting 
 him one day, I wished to show him the part 
 I took in his affliction, ‘Ah ! sir,’ said he, 
 ‘ my sorrow is very great ! A friend of thirty 
 years, with whom I passed my life ! Always 
 together, a la promenade, au spectacle, au ca- 
 baret. I have lost him. I shall never sing 
 any more ; I shall never drink again with 
 him. He is dead. I am alone in the world. 
 I do not know what will become of me.’ In 
 thus bewailing his misfortune, the poor man 
 burst into tears, and nothing could be more 
 natural. ‘ But,’ added he, ‘ you know he 
 died at the Temple ! I have been to weep 
 over his grave. Such a grave! Ah! sir, 
 they have put him under a gutter — he who, 
 since the age of reason, never drank a glass 
 of water.’” 
 
 A PARADISE. 
 
 When the Persian Ambassador and his 
 suite left England a few years since, many 
 of them shed tears. One of the suite, who 
 had been struck with the quiet of an English- 
 man’s life, compared with that of a Persian, 
 exclaimed, that he could not wish for a better 
 paradise than Chelsea Hospital, where, for 
 the remainder of his days, he could sit under 
 the trees, do nothing, and drink as much 
 porter as he liked. 
 
 HAPPY THOUGHT. 
 
 Joe Spiller, the comedian, having to give 
 out a play on a Saturday evening, addressed 
 the audience in the following manner: — 
 “Ladies and gentlemen, to-morrow” — but 
 was interrupted by a person in the pit, who 
 told him to-morrow was Sunday. “ I know 
 it, sir,” replied the droll, and gravely pro- 
 ceeded : “ To-morrow will be preached, at the 
 parish church, St. Andrew’s, Holborn, a 
 charity sermon, for the benefit of a number 
 of poor boys and girls ; and on Monday will 
 be presented in this place, a comedy, &c., 
 for the benefit” &c. 
 
 LORD BATH. 
 
 Walpole relates: “Lord Bath owed a 
 tradesman eight hundred pounds, and would 
 never pay him. The man determined to per- 
 secute him till he did; and one morning 
 followed him to Lord Winchelsea’s, and sent 
 up word that he wanted to speak with him. 
 Lord Bath came down, and said, ‘ Fellow, 
 what do you want with me ? ’ ‘ My money,’ 
 said the man, as loud as ever he could bawl, 
 before all the servants. He bade him come 
 next morning — and then would not see him. 
 The next Sunday the man followed him to 
 church, and got into the next pew: he 
 leaned over, and said, ‘ My money ; give me 
 my money.’ My Lord went to the end of the 
 pew ; the man too ; ‘ Give me my money.’ 
 The sermon was on avarice, and the text, 
 ‘ Cursed are they that heap up riches.’ The 
 man groaned out, ‘O Lord! ’ and pointed to 
 my Lord Bath — in short, he persisted so 
 much, and drew the eyes of all the congre- 
 gation, that my Lord Bath went out and 
 paid him directly.” 
 
128 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 MIS-DEAL. 
 
 Mr. Thom, of Glasgow, had just risen up 
 in the pulpit, to lead the coagregation in 
 prayer, when a gentleman in front of the gal- 
 lery took out a handkerchief to wipe the dust 
 from his brow, forgetting that a pack of cards 
 were wrapped up in it, and the whole pack 
 was scattered over the breast of the gallery. 
 Mr. T. could not resist a sarcasm, solemn as 
 the act was in which he was about to engage, 
 “Oh! man, man! surely your psalm-book 
 has been ill bun’ (bound) ! ” 
 
 POPE ON ROYALTY. 
 
 Frederick, Prince of Wales, once honoured 
 Pope with a visit at Twickenham, who, 
 expressing the most dutiful professions of 
 attachment, gave his Royal Highness an op- 
 portunity of observing very shrewdly, that 
 Pope’s love for Princes was inconsistent with 
 his dislike of Kings, since Princes may in 
 time bd Kings. “ Sir,” replied Pope, “ I 
 consider royalty under that noble and author- 
 ized type of a lion. Whilst he is young, 
 and before his nails are grown, he may be 
 approached and caressed with safety and 
 pleasure.” 
 
 NATIONAL ABSURDITIES. 
 
 Captain Basil Hall writes : — “A long while 
 ago, when I was preparing for a voyage to 
 China, I asked an old gentleman, well ac- 
 quainted with that country, to give me some 
 hints for my guidance amongst a people so 
 different in manners from those I had been 
 accustomed to. The old boy, who seldom 
 said anything without a spice of sarcasm, 
 reflected a moment, and then replied — 
 ‘Whenever you kill a Chinese, throw him 
 as quietly and quickly as you can into the 
 river ! ’ This satire was directed against the 
 absurd laws of China, which hold the person 
 who is found nearest to a dead body respon- 
 sible for the death. The effect of this is to 
 drive away all assistance from a person who 
 either is or may be thought to be dying: 
 in short, to deprive him of help exactly at 
 the time when it might be most useful to 
 him, or when, if it could not be useful in 
 saving his life, it might soothe him in his 
 last moments. We laugh at the perverse 
 folly of the Chinese ; but in civilised Europe 
 it is sometimes not much better. At Naples, 
 for instance, a similar law prevails with that 
 in the Celestial Empire; and I remember 
 hearing of an English lady, who was driving 
 in her open carriage in the most public street 
 of Naples, when the coachman was seized 
 with a fit, and fell back into the carriage. 
 The people stopped the horses : but as not a 
 Neapolitan would come to the lady’s assist- 
 ance, the man might have died of suffocation, 
 from the possition he was in, had not an 
 English gentleman, who happened to be 
 passing, rescued him from his awkward pre- 
 dicament. The coachman recovered, and 
 nothing was said ; but had he died on the 
 spot, the gentleman would have been had 
 up as a culprit at the police-office, just as if 
 he had been in Canton !” 
 
 “ DI TANTI PALPITI.” 
 
 This air is called in Venice, “PAria dei 
 Rizi,” and for the following reason. In this 
 country, all dinners, whether of the rich or 
 poor, commence with a dish of rice, which 
 is eaten little dressed, after being put down 
 to the fire a few minutes before serving. 
 Rossini had entered his inn for the purpose of 
 dining. He had taxed his genius in vain 
 — nothing pleased him— all his efforts proved 
 abortive. “Bisogna mettere i rizi ” (Shall I 
 put down the rice?), said the cook; who 
 wished to know by the question, whether he 
 was ready for dinner. “Do so,” said Rossini ; 
 and in the meanwhile he sat down to the 
 piano. The fortunate moment arrived; the 
 rice had not been brought up before the aria 
 “Di tanti palpiti ” was set to music. 
 
 PIT AND DUN DAS. 
 
 Dundas was Pitt’s companion, with whom 
 he passed, not merely his convivial hours, 
 but to whom he confided his cares and 
 embarrassments. Dundas possessed a villa 
 near London, at Wimbledon, where he was 
 accustomed to repair occasionally, for the 
 purpose of sleeping out of town. Pitt, on 
 quitting the Treasury bench, used to throw 
 himself into Dundas’s post-chariot, and to 
 accompany him. At whatever hour they 
 arrived, they sat down to supper; never 
 failed to drink each his bottle ; and the Mi- 
 nister found his sleep more sound, as well as 
 more refreshing, at Wimbledon, than in 
 Downing-street. However violent might 
 have been the previous agitation of his 
 mind, yet, in a very few minutes after he had 
 laid his head on the pillow, he never failed to 
 sink into profound repose. So difficult, in- 
 deed, was it to awaken him, that his valet 
 usually shook him before he could be roused 
 from sleep. One of his private secretaries 
 used to affirm, that no intelligence, however 
 distressing, had sufficient power to break his 
 rest. On that account, he never locked or 
 bolted the door of his bed-chamber. A cir- 
 cumstance took place in 1796 strongly cor - 
 roborative of the above facts : — Pitt, having 
 been much disturbed by a variety of painful 
 political occurrences, drove out to pass the 
 night with Dundas, at Wimbledon. After 
 supper, the Minister ivithdrew to his cham- 
 ber, having given his servant directions to 
 call him at seven on the ensuing morning. 
 No sooner had he retired, than Dundas, con- 
 scious how much his mind stood in need of 
 repose, repaired to his apartment, locked the 
 door, and put the key in his pocket ; at the 
 same time enjoining the valet on no considera- 
 tion to disturb his master, but to allow him to 
 sleep as long as nature required. It is a truth 
 that Pitt neither awoke, nor called any per- 
 son, till half-past four in the afternoon of the 
 following day, when Dundas, entering his 
 room, together with his servant, found him 
 still in so deep a sleep, that it became neces- 
 sary to shake, in order to awaken him. He 
 had slept uninterruptedly for more than six- 
 teen hours. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE ROOK. 
 
 129 
 
 THE DUN TRICKED. 
 
 Colonel Allen, before he succeeded to the 
 Viscounty, was in embarrassed circumstances, 
 and was often reduced to the disagree- 
 able necessity of denying himself. The poor 
 tradesman was always too late ; the Colonel 
 was on guard, had just gone out, or would be 
 home in an hour, by which time he was 
 dressed and really out. One morning Mr. 
 
 took his station at the door of 
 
 the gallant officer’s lodging in Mount- 
 street, at seven o’clock, and intimated to the 
 servant, about ten, that he had watched his 
 master home the previous night, knew he had 
 not yet gone out, and should therefore wait 
 and see him. His pertinacity was so great, 
 that the Colonel was obliged to admit him ; 
 and as soon as he was dressed all but his coat, 
 he slipped .on his dressing-gown, and placing 
 himself at a table, with a very difficult piece 
 of music before him, he seized his flute, upon 
 which instrument his lordship was a profi- 
 cient, and desiring that Mr. might 
 
 be admitted, he struck up as the man was 
 ascending the stairs, and, as he entered, has- 
 tily bade him take a seat, when, to the asto- 
 nishment and delight of the creditor, he played 
 the whole piece, remarking all the time the 
 pleasure his listener appeared to derive from 
 his efforts. When he had concluded, he made 
 many excuses for not having attended to him, 
 but observed that in practising music it was 
 difficult to learn any piece, if once he suffered 
 himself to be interrupted. He saw, too, that 
 
 Mr. was fond of music (which was the 
 
 fact) ; and, if so, he would play him one of 
 Beethoven’s finest pieces, arranged for the 
 flute. The man’s civility would not permit 
 him to refuse so kind an offer, and the Colonel 
 went into the next room to get the music, 
 when he adroitly put on his coat and hat, 
 and, descending the back-stairs, left the house ; 
 and not until several hours had elapsed did 
 the poor man ascertain that his bird was 
 flown. 
 
 THE POISONED BEAUTY. 
 
 Miss Mackenzie was one of the greatest 
 beauties about the Court of James II., and 
 an attachment subsisted between her and Mr. 
 Price, at that time an admired man about 
 town, and an especial favourite of the too ce- 
 lebrated Countess of Deloraine, who, to get 
 rid of her rival in beauty, poisoned her. By 
 timely assistance, antidotes were successful; 
 but the tradition in the family is that the 
 maiden’s fine complexion was ruined, and 
 ever after continued of a lemon tint. Queen 
 Caroline, desirous to shield Deloraine from 
 the consequences of her act, persuaded Miss 
 Mackenzie to appear, as soon as she was 
 sufficiently recovered, at a supper, either 
 given by Lady Deloraine, or where she was 
 to be. When Miss Mackenzie entered the 
 room, some one exclaimed, “How entirely 
 changed ! ” Mr. Price, who was seated with 
 Lady Deloraine, looking carelessly over his 
 shoulder, remarked, “In my eyes, she is more 
 beautiful than ever and they were married 
 next morning. 
 
 ANCESTRY. 
 
 Lord Chesterfield placed among the por- 
 traits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed 
 Adam de Stanhope, and Eve de Stanhope: 
 the ridicule is admirable. Old Peter Leneve, 
 the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in 
 not being of an old family, made this epitaph 
 for young Craggs, whose father had been a 
 footman : Here lies the last who died before 
 the first of his family! Old Craggs wa3 one 
 day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, 
 who had worn a livery too, when he turned 
 about, and said, “ Why, Arthur, I am always 
 going to get up behind ; are not you ? ” 
 
 The Gordons trace their name no farther 
 back than the days of Alexander the Great, 
 from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, 
 they say, once formed part of Alexander’s 
 dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the 
 clan must have come ! 
 
 PARLIAMENTARY REPORTING. 
 
 Complaints are occasionally made by mem- 
 bers that their speeches are not reported 
 verbatim. Pretty speeches in that case, would 
 some of their orations appear ! The plan of 
 giving verbatim reports was once tried by Dr. 
 Stoddart, when he conducted The New Times. 
 The result of the experiment was such as 
 ought to prevent any one calling for verbatim 
 reports in future. The members made down- 
 right fools of themselves, and set the public 
 a-laughing from one end of the country to 
 the other. Lord Castlereagh exhibited him- 
 self as “ standing prostrate at the foot of Ma- 
 jesty,” and as “walking forward with his 
 back turned on himself.” Sir Fred. Flood, 
 one of the Irish members, and a great stick- 
 ler for verbatim reports, appeared one morning 
 as having, on the previous evening, enlight- 
 ened and delighted the House with the 
 following profound philosophy and bril- 
 liant eloquence : — “ Mr. Spaker, — As I was 
 coming down to this House to perform my 
 duty to the country and ould Irelant, I was 
 brutally attacked, Sir, by a mob, Mr. 
 Spaker, of ragamuffins, Sir. If, Sir, any 
 honourable gintlemin is to be assaulted, Mr. 
 Spaker, by such a parcel of spalpeens, Sir, 
 as were after attacking me, Mr. Spaker, then 
 I say, Mr. Spaker, that if you do not, Mr. 
 Spaker, be after protecting gintlemin like 
 myself, Sir, we cannot be after coming to 
 the House of Parliament at all at all, Mr. 
 Spaker. And. Sir, may I be after axing you, 
 Sir, what, Sir, would become, Sir, of the 
 bisness of the country, Mr. Spaker, in such 
 a case, Mr. Spaker ? Will you, Sir, be after 
 answering myself that question, Mr. Spaker ? 
 It’s myself that would like an answer, Sir, to 
 the question, Sir, as soon as convanient, Sir, 
 which I have asked you, Mr. Spaker.” This 
 proved a complete extinguisher to Sir Fre- 
 derick Flood’s penchant for verbatim report- 
 ing. He went, the day on which his oration 
 appeared, to the editors of all the morning 
 papers, and said he would thereafter leave 
 his speeches to “the discration of the re- 
 porhters.” 
 
 K 
 
130 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 THE KING OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS. 
 
 Some pious ladies at Sherborne sent to the 
 King of the Sandwich Islands, by means of 
 a missionary who had lately returned, and 
 was then on a visit to Dr. Gray’s house- 
 keeper, a splendid dress, in the form of a 
 nightgown, made of gaudily printed bed-cur- 
 tain stuff, ornamented with a large silver 
 button, by way of a star, on the left breast : 
 it was faced with scarlet, and lined with pur- 
 ple. The motive in sending it was to induce 
 the King to abandon idolatry ; but the ladies 
 were dreadfully perplexed when they received 
 in due time a letter containing his Majesty’s 
 thanks; but, as he considered himself un- 
 worthy of so elegant and magnificent a dress, 
 he had consecrated the noble gift, and hung 
 this splendid nightgown on his chief idol, as 
 a robe of state and splendour ! 
 
 UMBRELLAS. 
 
 Jonas Hanway’s larger schemes of be- 
 nevolence have connected his name with the 
 Marine Society and the Magdalen, both of 
 which he originated; as well as with the 
 Foundling, which he was active in improving ; 
 and to his courage and perseverance in 
 smaller fields of usefulness (his determined 
 contention with extravagant vails to servants 
 not the least), the men of Goldsmith’s day 
 were indebted for liberty to use an umbrella. 
 Gay’s poem of “ Trivia ” commemorates its 
 earlier use by poor women, by “tuck’d-up 
 sempstresses” and “walking maids;” but 
 even with this class it was a winter privilege, 
 and woe to the woman of a better sort, or to 
 the man, whether rich or poor, who dared at 
 any time so to invade the rights of coachmen 
 and chairmen. But Jonas steadily under- 
 went the staring, laughing, jeering, hooting, 
 and bullying; and having punished some 
 insolent knaves who struck him with their 
 whips as well as their tongues, he finally 
 established the use of the umbrella. Jonas 
 made a less successful move when he would 
 have written down the use of tea. 
 
 THE LOTTERY TICKET. 
 
 Don Thomas Isturitz was one day walking 
 near the Royal Exchange during the drawing 
 of the lottery in 1815, and feeling an incli- 
 nation to sport twenty pounds, went into the 
 office of Martin and Co., Cornhill, where, 
 referring to his pocket-book, he counted the 
 number of days that had elapsed from that 
 of his providential escape from Madrid (and 
 the tender mercies prepared for him by the 
 beloved Fernando) ; he found them amount 
 to 261, and then demanded to buy that 
 ticket ; but it was nearly half an hour before 
 it could be obtained, and only after a strict 
 search amongst the lottery offices in the 
 city. At length, a half ticket of No. 261 was 
 procured at tw r o o’clock ; and at five it was 
 drawn a prize of forty thousand pounds, the 
 only one ever exhibited to that amount in 
 England. The lucky Don lay down that 
 night twenty thousand pounds richer than he 
 had risen. 
 
 RESPECT FOR UNPROTECTED PROPERTY. 
 
 There had been a great number of 10 b- 
 beries in Fifeshire; every house in the 
 neighbourhood had been visited except 
 Balcarres. The robbers w r ere at last cap- 
 tured and brought before the county 
 court. “ Why did you never come to 
 me?” asked Lord Balcarres. “My Lord,” 
 they replied, “ we often did ; everywhere 
 else we found closed door3, but at Balcarres 
 they stood always open, and where such is the 
 case it is a rule among us not to enter.” 
 
 A REASON. 
 
 Over the door of a tavern, in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Aberdeen, is the following inti- 
 mation : — 
 
 “ James Rettie — licensed to sell the year 
 that’s begun — 
 
 P.P. Porter and ale — F.F. Fusky and 
 Rum.” 
 
 On a person inquiring the meaning of the 
 above detached letters, he was answered that 
 both the publican and the painter had an 
 impediment in their speech, “ and, perhaps,” 
 continued his informant, “ the painter had a 
 stuttering brush also.” 
 
 DANIEL WEBSTER. 
 
 Daniel Webster was born in 1782, the son 
 of a New Hampshire farmer. He was called 
 to the bar in 1805; became a member of 
 Congress in 1812. After 1816, he gave up 
 all his time to his profession. Many of his 
 law arguments are excellent, witness his 
 speech on the prosecution of Knapp, tried for 
 murder : — 
 
 “ The room was uncommonly open to the 
 admission of light. The face of the innocent 
 sleeper was turned from the murderer, and 
 the beams of the moon, resting on the grey 
 locks of his aged temples, showed him where 
 to strike. The fatal blow is given ! and the 
 victim passes, without a struggle or a motion, 
 from the repose of sleep to the repose of 
 death ! It is the assassin’s purpose to make 
 sure work; and he yet plies the dagger, 
 though it was obvious that life had been de- 
 stroyed by the blow of the bludgeon. He 
 even raises the aged arm that he may not fail 
 in his aim at the heart, and replaces it again 
 over the wounds of the poniard ! To finish 
 the picture, he explores the wrist for the 
 pulse ! He feels for it, and ascertains that it 
 beats no longer. It is accomplished ; the deed 
 is done. He retreats, retraces his steps to the 
 window, passes out through it as he came 
 in, and escapes. He has done the murder — 
 no eye has seen him, no ear has heard him. 
 The secret is his own, and it is safe ! 
 
 “ Ah ! gentlemen, that was a dreadful mis- 
 take. Such a secret can be safe nowhere. 
 The whole creation of God has neither nook 
 or corner where the guilty can bestow it, and 
 say it is safe. Not to speak of that eye which 
 glances through all disguises, and beholds 
 everything as in the splendour of noon, such 
 secrets of guilt are never safe,” &c. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK-. 
 
 131 
 
 THE COMPLIMENT. 
 
 Don Pedro passed some time in England, 
 and, being one of the lions of the day (rather 
 a dark- browed one) at the period of the visit 
 of the Spanish patriots in 1808, was very 
 hospitably and generously entertained, which 
 he never spoke of but in terms of the 
 warmest gratitude; but the most flattering 
 mark of British favour which he prided 
 himself on was the soubriquet of “ Charles 
 Fox,” bestowed on him at Lord Holland’s 
 table ; and, certainly, in bust, in feature, in 
 eye, brow, and, above all, in voice, he bore a 
 powerful resemblance to that celebrated 
 statesman. “7 tell the Prince of Wales,” 
 said the Don, “ that I like very much England, 
 very much King George ; and the Prince 
 tell me I was double Charles Fox” (his 
 double, we are to presume). 
 
 IRON MASK. 
 
 Captain Basil Hall describes, as one of the 
 curiosities he saw in the castle of Steinburg, 
 in Lower Styria, a very thin, but strong 
 iron mask, with clasps and locks of the same 
 metal, of which a redoubted Baron of olden 
 times is said to have made frequent use. It 
 appears that he had a very handsome wife, 
 who was sadly coquettish, and more fond of 
 exhibiting her pretty face than he at all 
 approved of. Whenever he stirred from 
 home, therefore, he was wont to encase her 
 slippery head in this iron mask, and put the 
 key in his pocket. Tradition says that the 
 gentleman mistook the application, and quite 
 misplaced the protection, as the lady, though 
 she could not exhibit the light of her coun- 
 tenance to her lovers, whispered still softer 
 endearments through the bars; and in the 
 end taught the foolish noble, that, in love as 
 well as war, physical obstacles, so far from 
 keeping out an invading enemy, generally 
 serve as his best stepping-stones to conquest. 
 
 TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA. 
 
 Many years ago, when an educationist 
 visited the schools of Ireland, one of the 
 masters, who was especially conscious of the 
 superior excellence of his establishment, as 
 soon as he was acquainted with the object of 
 the visit, began to dilate upon the various 
 sciences with which he was familiar ; among 
 which he enumerated hydraulics, hydro- 
 statics, geography, geology, etymology, and 
 entomology. It was suggested to him that 
 they had better, perhaps, take the list of 
 queries in their order. On coming to the 
 subjects taught in the school, he was asked — 
 “Do you teach reading and writing?” — 
 “ Yes.” “Arithmetic ? ” — “ Yes.” “Gram- 
 
 mar and composition?” — “Certainly.” 
 “ French ? ” — “ Yes.” “ Latin ? ” — “ Yes.” 
 “Greek?” — “ Yes, yes,” &c. ; and so on till 
 the list of queries was exhausted, answering 
 every question in the affirmative. As he con- 
 cluded, the visitor remarked, “ This is mul- 
 tum in parvo, indeed.” To which the. master 
 immediately replied, “ I teach that ; you may 
 put that down too.” 
 
 INFANCY OF WEST, THE PAINTER. 
 
 Benjamin West, the son of John West 
 and Sarah Pearson,' was born at Springfield, 
 in the state of Pennvslvania, North America, 
 on the 10th of October, 1733. His mother, 
 it seems, had gone to hear one Edward Peck- 
 over preach about the sinfulness of the Old 
 World, and the spotlessness of the New, and 
 terrified and overcome by the earnest eloquence 
 of the enthusiast, she shrieked aloud, was car- 
 ried home, and, in the midst of agitation and 
 terror, was safely delivered of the future 
 President of the Royal Academy. When the 
 preacher was told of this he rejoiced ; “ Note 
 that child,” said he, “for he has come into the 
 world in a remarkable way, and will as- 
 suredly prove a wonderful man.” The child 
 prospered, and when seven years old began 
 to fulfil the prediction of the preacher. He 
 was set to rock the cradle of his sister’s child, 
 and was so struck with the beauty of the 
 slumbering babe, that he drew its features in 
 red and black ink. “ I declare,” cried his 
 astonished sister, “ he has made a likeness of 
 little Sally.” He was next noticed by a 
 party of wild Indians, who, pleased with the 
 sketches which Benjamin had made of birds 
 and flowers, taught him how to prepare the 
 red and yellow colours with which they 
 stained their weapons : to these his mother 
 added indigo, and thus he obtained the 
 three primary colours. 
 
 MAN-TRAPS. 
 
 Thieves sometimes catch themselves, as 
 this incident shows: — A gentleman had 
 his orchard repeatedly robbed, and bid- 
 ding defiance to prohibitory acts, had an 
 old man-trap repaired, and set up in his 
 grounds. The smith brought it home, 
 and there was a consultation as to which 
 tree it should be placed under: several 
 were proposed, as being all favourite bearers ; 
 at last the smith’s suggestion as to the 
 locus in quo was adopted, and the man- 
 trap set. But the position somehow or 
 other did not please the master, and as tastes 
 occasionally vary, so did his, and he bethought 
 him of another tree, the fruit of which he 
 should like above all things to preserve. 
 Accordingly, scarcely had he laid his head 
 on his pillow when the change was deter- 
 mined on, and ere long the man-trap was 
 transferred. Very early in the morning the 
 cries of a sufferer brought master and men 
 into the orchard, and there they discovered — 
 the smith. 
 
 It being unlawful to set man-traps and 
 spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a 
 happy device. He was a scholar, and being 
 often asked the meaning of mysterious words 
 compounded from the Greek, that flourish in 
 every day’s newspaper, and finding they al- 
 ways excited wonder by their length and 
 terrible sound, he had painted on a board, 
 and put upon his premises, in very large 
 letters, the following — “ Tondapamubomenos 
 set up in these grounds : ” it was perfectly a 
 “ patent safety.” 
 
132 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 TRIUMPHANT RETORT. 
 
 As Monsieur de la Motte, soon after the 
 representation of his “ Ines de Castro ” 
 (which was very successful, although much 
 censured by the press), was sitting one day 
 in a coffee-house, he heard several of those 
 critics abusing his play. Finding that he 
 was unknown to them, he joined heartily in 
 abusing it himself. At length, after a great 
 many sarcastic remarks, one of them, yawn- 
 ing, said, “Well, what shall we do with our- 
 selves this evening ? ” “ Why, suppose,” 
 
 said De la Motte, “we go to the seventy- 
 second representation of this bad play.” 
 
 BATHING IN THE THAMES. 
 
 The impurity of the stream has driven the 
 bathers away ; yet it was once very different. 
 Lord Northampton, in the reign of Charles 
 L. was taken ill of the colic, of which he died, 
 while washing himself in the Thames, after 
 he had waited on the King at supper, and 
 had supped himself. Blood concealed him- 
 self among the reeds at Battersea, in order to 
 shoot King Charles II., while bathing in the 
 Thames over against Chelsea. One of the 
 darling recreations of Sir Dudley North was 
 swimming in the Thames ; “ he used that so 
 much, that he became quite master of it.” 
 The polite Earl of Chesterfield directed a let- 
 ter to Lord Pembroke (the collector), who 
 was always swimming : — “ To the Earl of 
 Pembroke, in the Thames, over against 
 Whitehall.” “ Last week,” says Lord Byron, 
 the poet, in a letter dated August 11th, 1807, 
 “I swam in the Thames from Lambeth 
 through the two bridges (Westminster and 
 Blaekfriars), a distance — including the dif- 
 ferent turns and tacks made on the way — of 
 three miles.” 
 
 ENDURING GRIEF OF WIDOWS. 
 
 A young Tipperary widow, Nelly M‘Phee, 
 was courted and actually had an offer from 
 Tooley O’Shane, on her way to her husband’s 
 funeral. “ She accepted, of course,” said 
 Grossman. “No, she didn’t,” said Smith. 
 “ Tooley, dear,” says she, “ y’re too late ; four 
 weeks ago it was I shook hands wi’ Pat 
 Sweeney upon it that I would have him a 
 dacent time arter poor M‘Phee was under 
 board.” “Well,” said Grossman, “widows 
 of all nations are much alike. There was a 
 Dutch woman whose husband, Diedric Yan 
 Pronk, died and left her inconsolable. He 
 was buried on Cop’s Hill. Folks said that 
 grief would kill that widow. She had a 
 figure of wood carved that looked very like 
 her late husband, and constantly kept it in 
 bed for several months. In about half a 
 year she became interested in a young shoe- 
 maker, who took the length of her foot, and 
 finally married her. He had visited the 
 widow not more than a fortnight when the 
 servants told her they were out of kindling 
 stuff, and asked what should be done. After 
 a pause, the widow replied in a very quiet 
 way— ‘Maype it ish well enough now to 
 shplit up old Van Pronk vat is up-stairs.’” 
 
 THE SPECTATOR. 
 
 Sir Roger de Coverley is understood to be 
 drawn for Sir John Packington, of Worces- 
 tershire, a Tory, not without good sense, but 
 abounding in absurdities. Tickell asserted 
 that 20,000 of the Spectator were sold in a 
 day. 
 
 HIGH CHARACTER. 
 
 It is difficult to be a good man and a great 
 public character. Lord Stanhope confessed 
 that it was “impossible for a Minister of 
 State to be an honest man.” Surely he gave 
 himself a bad character ; or, perhaps, he was 
 not in earnest. He lived with the reputation 
 of a disinterested and uncorrupt minister; 
 and when he died, his sovereign shed tears 
 at his loss. 
 
 In Pope’s epitaph on Craggs are these two 
 lines, so honourable to a Secretary of State 
 and the particular statesman, that it is a pure 
 pleasure to read them : — 
 
 “Who broke no promise, serv’d no private 
 end, 
 
 Who gained no title, and who lost no friend.” 
 
 ENGLISH BULLS. 
 
 Some years ago, the publishers of a 
 monthly periodical, finding that the last day 
 of the month sometimes happened on a Sun- 
 day, had a meeting at the London Coffee- 
 house, when, to remedy the inconvenience, it 
 was resolved that the publishing day should 
 be the last day but one of the month, not 
 thinking that it would as frequently fall on a 
 Sunday as on any other day. 
 
 Though the English blame their neigbours 
 the Irish, for the commission of blunders, yet 
 they sometimes fall into the same error 
 themselves. A meeting was called of the in- 
 habitants of Stepney, for the protection of 
 the householders against the renewal of rob- 
 beries which took place the year preceding. 
 The lawyer who drew up the resolutions put 
 an advertisement into the newspapers, stating 
 that the meeting was held tp prevent the rob- 
 beries which took place the year before. 
 
 HOW TO HEAR THE GOSPEL. 
 
 Rowland Hill paid a visit to an old friend 
 a few years before his death, who said to 
 him, “Mr. Hill, it is just sixty-five years 
 since I first heard you preach, and I remem • 
 her your text and a part of your sermon. 
 You told us that some people were very 
 squeamish about the delivery of different 
 ministers who preached the same Gospel. 
 You said, * Supposing you were attending to 
 hear a will read where you expected a legacy 
 to be left you, would you employ the time 
 when it was reading in criticising the man- 
 ner in which the lawyer read it ? No, you 
 would not : you would be giving all ear to hear 
 if anything was left you, and how much it 
 was. That is the way I would advise you 
 to hear the Gospel.’” This was excellent 
 advice, and well worth remembering sixt}’- 
 five years. 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 133 
 
 A BLOW-UP. 
 
 A Persian, some years since, built a 
 powder-mill at Tabriz^ from his casual in- 
 spection of a similar building at Constanti- 
 nople. It is of brick, stone, and marble, and 
 cost a vast sum of money. The door is of 
 iron, and, to prevent explosion, is constantly 
 wetted when the mill is working. Mr. Mo- 
 rier remarked to the architect, that, in Eu- 
 rope, owing to the frequent explosion of 
 powder-mills, they are now constructed of 
 cheap and light materials. Being a good 
 predestinarian, the builder replied, “ Inshal- 
 lah (please God), this will never blow up. 
 See that of Constantinople, how long that has 
 stood ; surely this can last as long.” 
 
 haydn’s razor quartett. 
 
 Haydn, on his first visit to this great me- 
 tropolis, domiciled at the house of Bland, the 
 music- publisher, 45, High Holborn, who used 
 to relate the following story: — “When I 
 went over to the Continent to secure the ser- 
 vices of Haydn, at the concerts of Salomon, 
 I was introduced to him while he was in the 
 act of shaving himself, an operation by no 
 means the pleasantest in the world, even 
 when one has good tools; but it happened 
 that Haydn was badly off in that respect, 
 and feeling the inconvenience deeply, said, 
 ‘Ah, Mr. Bland, if I had but an English 
 razor, I would give one of the best composi- 
 tions I ever wrote for it.’ I immediately, 
 without waiting to reply, posted off to my 
 inn, and brought my best pair. Presenting 
 them to the great man, he put into my hands 
 one of his quartetts in manuscript, which I 
 afterwards published, and used to term it my 
 Razor Quartett .” 
 
 LADY MARY HONYWOOD. 
 
 Of this lady, who was daughter and co- 
 heir of Robert Waters, Esq., of Lenham, in 
 Kent, and wife of Sir Robert Honywood, of 
 Pett, in Charing, it is recorded that at her 
 decease she had no less than 367 lawful de- 
 scendants then living — 16 children, 114 
 grandchildren, 228 great-grandchildren, and 
 9 great-great-grandchildren. 
 
 The following singular story is related of 
 the same remarkable woman : — 
 
 Falling at one time in a low desponding 
 state of mind, she was impressed with the 
 idea that she should be damned, and ex- 
 claiming, in a paroxysm of the malady, “ I 
 shall be lost, as surely as that glass is broken,” 
 she flung thrice, with violence, a glass which 
 she happened to have in her hand, on a mar- 
 ble slab, by which she was standing ; but the 
 glass rebounded each time, and did not break. 
 The story adds, that the circumstance wrought 
 a complete cure, and had more effect in com- 
 posing her mind than the reasoning of all the 
 great divines whom she had consulted. A 
 portrait was painted of her, in the act of 
 flinging the glass. 
 
 She died at Markshall, in Essex, in 1620, 
 in the 93rd year of her age, and in the 44th 
 of her widowhood. 
 
 CLAW AND CLAW. 
 
 Lord Erskine and Dr. Parr, who were 
 both remarkably conceited, were in the habit 
 of conversing together, and complimenting 
 each other on their respective abilities. On 
 one of these occasions, Parr promised that he 
 would write Erskine’s epitaph ; to which the 
 other replied, that “such an intention on 
 the doctor’s part was almost a temptation to 
 commit suicide.” 
 
 PLAIN LANGUAGE. 
 
 Mr. John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldin), 
 in pleading before the House of Lords one 
 day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch 
 accent, “ In plain English, ma Lords ; ” upon 
 which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, “ In 
 plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk.” The 
 prompt advocate instantly rejoined, “Nae 
 matter! in plain common sense, ma Lords, 
 and that’s the same in a’ languages, ye’ll 
 ken.” 
 
 VERY LUCE EACH OTHER. 
 
 It appears that there were two persons of 
 the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to 
 be distinguished ; for somebody (says Bishop 
 Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when 
 it was asked, “which Dr. Thomas do you 
 mean?” “Dr. John Thomas.” — They are 
 both named John.” “ Dr. Thomas who has 
 a living in the city?” — They have both 
 livings in the city.” “ Dr. Thomas who is 
 chaplain to the King?” — “They are both 
 chaplains to the King.” “ Dr. Thomas who 
 is a very good preacher?” — They are both 
 good preachers.” “ Dr. Thomas who squints ?” 
 — “They both squint.” They were after- 
 wards both Bishops. 
 
 LENDING MONEY. 
 
 Patrick Forbes, Bishop of Aberdeen, had 
 lent an unlucky brother money until he was 
 tired out ; but the borrower renewed his ap- 
 plication, and promised security. The Bishop 
 consented to the loan ; “ But where is your 
 surety?” said he; when the poor fellow re- 
 plied, “God Almighty is my bondsman in 
 providence. He is the only security I have 
 to offer.” So singular a reply of a despair- 
 ing man smote the feelings of the Bishop, 
 and he thus replied: “It is the first time, 
 certainly, that such a surety was ever offered 
 to me ; and since it is so, take the money, 
 and may Almighty God, your bondsman, see 
 that it does you good.” 
 
 Swift having to preach a charity sermon 
 to which he had little good-will, from the 
 opinion he had formed of his audience, said 
 nothing of the subject until the sermon was 
 ended. He then told them that this was a 
 mere matter of business, and as such he would 
 talk of it. They knew as well as he, that 
 they had certain poor to provide for, who 
 looked to their purses. He then merely read 
 the text : “ He that giveth to the poor, 
 lendeth to the Lord;” and added, “if you 
 approve of your security, down with your 
 money.” With this he sent round the plate- 
 for collection. 
 
134 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 DIRTY JUDGE. 
 
 A Welsh judge, celebrated as a suitor for 
 all sorts of places, and his neglect of personal 
 cleanliness, was thus addressed by Mr. Jekyll, 
 “As you have asked the Ministers for every- 
 thing else, why have you never asked them 
 for a piece of soap and a nail 'brush? ” 
 
 LUCKY EXCHANGE. 
 
 At the representation of “ Mithridate,” 
 Beaubourg, who was a remarkably ugly man, 
 played the part of Mithridate, and Made- 
 moiselle Lecouvreur, Monimia. The latter, 
 therefore, having occasion to say, “ Signior, 
 you changed countenance ; ” “ Oil ! let him, 
 let him,” said a man in the gallery, “ he can- 
 not change it for a worse.” 
 
 DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD. 
 
 Whilst the celebrated Mr. Dunning, after- 
 wards Lord Ashburton, was at the bar, he 
 by T his conduct did much to support the cha- 
 racter and dignity of a barrister, which was 
 frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at 
 that time Chief Justice. The attempts of 
 the Chief Justice to browbeat the counsel 
 were on many occasions kept in check by the 
 manly and dignified conduct of Mr. Dunning. 
 Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in 
 discovering the gist of a cause, and having 
 done so, used to amuse himself by taking up 
 a book or a newspaper whilst counsel was 
 addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dun- 
 ning was speaking, and his Lordship seemed 
 thus to hold his argument as of no conse- 
 quence, the advocate would stop suddenly in 
 his address, and on his Lordship observing, 
 “Pray go on, Mr. Dunning,” he would re- 
 ply, “ I beg your pardon, my Lord, but I 
 fear I shall interrupt your Lordship’s more 
 important occupations. I will wait until your 
 Lordship ha 3 leisure to attend to my client 
 and his humble advocate.” 
 
 ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES. 
 
 In one of Sir Robert Walpole’s letters, he 
 gives a very instructive picture of a skilful 
 minister and a condescending Parliament. 
 “ My dear friend,” writes Sir Robert, “ there 
 is scarcely a member whose purse I do not 
 know to a sixpence, and whose very soul, 
 almost, I could not purchase at the offer. 
 The reason former ministers have been de- 
 ceived in this matter is evident — they never 
 considered the temper of the people they had 
 to deal with. I have known a minister so 
 weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a 
 star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young 
 rogue, who set no value upon money, with a 
 lucrative employment. I pursue methods as 
 opposite as the poles, and therefore my ad- 
 ministration has been attended with a differ- 
 ent effect.” 
 
 “Patriots,” say’s Walpole, “spring up 
 like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them 
 within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised 
 many of them in one night. It is but re- 
 fusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent 
 demand , and up starts a patriot.” 
 
 THE PIPER’S CURSE. 
 
 The town-piper of Falkirk, it is said, was 
 sentenced to be hanged for horse-stealing. 
 On the night before his execution he obtained, 
 as an indulgence, the company of some of 
 his brother pipers; and, as the liquor was 
 abundant, and their instruments in tune, the 
 music and fun was fast and furious. The 
 execution was to be at eight o’clock, and the 
 poor piper was recalled to a sense of his 
 situation by morning light dawning on his 
 window. He suddenly silenced his pipe, and 
 exclaimed, “Oh, but this wearifu’ hanging 
 rings in my lug like a new tune.” 
 
 kean’s unfortunate success. 
 
 In the second year of Kean’s London triumph, 
 an elderly lady, whose sympathy had been 
 excited by his forlorn condition in boyhood, 
 but who had lost sight of him in his wander- 
 ings till his sudden starting into fame asto- 
 nished the world, was induced, on renewing 
 their acquaintance, to pay a visit of some 
 days to him and Mrs. Kean, at their resi- 
 dence, in Clarges- street. She made no secret 
 of her intention to evince the interest she 
 felt in his welfare by a considerable bequest 
 in her will ; but, on accompanying Mrs. K 
 to the theatre to see Kean perform Luke, she 
 was so appalled by the cold-blooded villanv 
 of the character, that, attributing the skill 
 of the actor to the inherent possession of the 
 fiendlike attributes be so consummately em- 
 bodied, her regard was turned into suspicion 
 and distrust. She left London the next day, 
 and dying soon afterwards, it appeared that 
 she had even altered the testamentary dispo- 
 sition of her property, which had once been 
 made in Kean’s favour, and bequeathed the 
 sum originally destined for him to a distant 
 relative, of whom she knew nothing but by 
 name. 
 
 political integrity. 
 
 George I. appears to have entertained a 
 very low opinion of the political integrity of 
 his courtiers, and the honesty of his house- 
 hold. He laughed at the complaints made by 
 Sir Robert Walpole against the Hanoverians, 
 for selling places ; and would not believe that 
 the custom was not sanctioned by his English 
 advisers and attendants. Soon after his first 
 arrival in this country, a favourite cook, 
 whom he had brought from Hanover, grew 
 melancholy, and wanted to return home. 
 The King having inquired why he wanted 
 to quit his household, the fellow replied, “ I 
 have long served your Majesty honestly, not 
 suffering anything to be embezzled in your 
 kitchen ; but here, the dishes no sooner come 
 from your table, than one steals a fowl, 
 another a pig, a third a joint of meat, a 
 fourth a pie, and so on, till the whole is gone ; 
 and I cannot bear to see your Majesty so 
 injured ! ” The King, laughing heartily, 
 said, “ My revenues here enable me to bear 
 these things ; and, to reconcile you to your 
 place, do you steal like the rest, and mind 
 you take enough ! ” The cook followed this 
 advice, and soon became a very expert thief. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 135 
 
 WALPOLIANA. 
 
 Sir John Germain was so ignorant, that 
 he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Mat- 
 thew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's 
 Gospel. 
 
 Churchill (General C , a natural son of 
 
 the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the 
 other day, “Well, Mr. Pulteney, will 3 7 ou 
 break me too?” “ No, Charles,” replied he, 
 “ you break fast enough of yourself ! ” 
 Don’t you think it hurt him more than the 
 other breaking would? 
 
 Walpole was plagued one morning with 
 that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, 
 and his great boy. He talked through all 
 Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon men- 
 tioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen 
 his collection. He replied, very few of his 
 things, for he did not like his company; 
 that he never heard so much heathenish 
 talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it 
 was, and found that Stosch had one day said 
 before him, that the soul was only a little glue. 
 
 Of a Mr. Naylor : — When his father 
 married his second wife, Naylor said, “Father, 
 they say you are to be married to-day ; are 
 you?” “Well,” replied the Bishop, “and 
 what is that to you ? ” “ Nay, nothing ; 
 
 only, if you had told me, I would have pow- 
 dered my hair.” 
 
 A tutor at Cambridge had been examining 
 some lads in Latin ; but in a little while ex- 
 cused himself, and said he must speak En- 
 glish, for his mouth was very sore. 
 
 After going out of the Commons, and 
 fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom 
 he wounded, “my uncle (says Walpole) re- 
 turned to the house, and was so little moved 
 as to speak immediately upon the cambric 
 bill which made Swinny say, that “ it was 
 a sign he was not ruffled” 
 
 Sir Charles Wager always said, “ that if a 
 sea-fight lasted thr-e days, he was sure the 
 English suffered the most for the two first, 
 for no other nation would stand beating for 
 two days together.” 
 
 [A worthy Lord Mayor furnishes some 
 droll stories, ex. gr . : — ] 
 
 Yesterday we had another hearing of the 
 petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert 
 Godschall shone brighter than even his usual. 
 There was a copy of a letter produced, the 
 original being lost ; he asked whether the 
 copy had been taken before the original was 
 lost, or after ! 
 
 This gold-chain came into parliament, cried 
 up for his parts, but proves so dull, one 
 would think he chewed opium. Earl says, 
 “ I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty 
 times.” 
 
 Hearing of a gentleman who had had the 
 small-pox twice, and died of it, he asked, if 
 he died the first time or the second ? 
 
 QTTID PRO QUO. 
 
 A physician of an acrimonious disposition, 
 and having a thorough hatred of lawyers, 
 was in company with a barrister, and, in 
 the course of conversation, reproached the 
 
 profession of the latter with the use of phrases 
 utterly unintelligible. “ For example,” said 
 he, “I never could understand what you 
 lawyers mean by docking an entail.” “ That 
 is very likely,” answered the lawyer, “but 
 I will explain it to you ; it is doing what you 
 doctors never consent to — suffering a reco 
 very” 
 
 “king allen” and the banker. 
 
 Lord Allen, front some cause or other, had 
 taken it into his head to make a butt of a 
 gentleman highly esteemed by all who knew 
 him, who happened to be a member of the 
 same club with his Lordship ; and bearing 
 that this gentleman, who was a banker, had 
 petitioned the Commissioners of Woods and 
 Forests to remove a monument which had 
 been placed opposite to his house of business, 
 asked him one day, in a rather imperious 
 manner, his motive for joining the inhabit- 
 ants of the district in the petition. The 
 banker replied that it collected a quantity of 
 idlers and dirty boys about the spot, to the 
 great hindrance of business, and the annoy- 
 ance of his neighbours. “ Oh,” said his Lord- 
 ship, “ of course every man knows his own 
 business best, but I should have thought it 
 rather advantageous to you than otherwise.” 
 “How so, my Lord?” replied the banker. 
 “ Because,” said his Lordship, “ while you are 
 standing idle at your own shop-door, it would 
 prevent your seeing the crowds of people 
 flocking to the respectable banking-house of 
 Messrs. Bullion and Co., on the opposite side 
 of the road.” Of course his Lordship’s spleen 
 was gratified, for the whole club was con- 
 vulsed with laughter ; but the triumph was 
 only of short duration, for the banker soon 
 learned that his Lordship — whose peculiarly 
 pompous manner had obtained for him the 
 soubriquet of “ King,” by which title, and no 
 other, was he commonly known amongst his 
 intimate friends — had previously arranged 
 with his creditors by the payment of ten 
 shillings in the pound. The banker was de- 
 termined to be revenged, and within a few 
 hours* before the novelty of “ King Allen’s 
 last” had subsided, he went to the club, 
 when it was crammed with members, and 
 having claimed their attention, observed, that 
 if “ King Allen’s” coronation were to take 
 place, and his champion were to throw down 
 his gauntlet in Westminster Hall, he w r ould 
 pick it up. “ Why ? why ?” observed Lord 
 Allen. “ Why ? why ?” resounded from all 
 the members of the club. “Because,” said 
 the banker, “ I find he has assumed a title to 
 which he has no claim, for he has com- 
 pounded with his creditors, and paid them 
 ten shillings in the pound ; he is therefore no 
 king, but merely a half-sovereign.” 
 
 One of the eccentricities of Lord Allan was 
 the whiteness of his cravats, which, for the 
 greater portion of his long life, he invariably 
 sent to Shrewsbury to be washed, no matter 
 where he happened to be ; as he had often 
 declared that there was but one blanchisseuse 
 de cravattes dans le monde. 
 
136 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 HAYDON PAINTING THE “ REFORM BAN- 
 QUET,” IN 1832, RELATED BY HIMSELF. 
 
 On the day of this great scene of festive 
 commemoration, I got to the Hall about 
 eight in the morning, like Syntax, with all 
 my materials packed round me, and began 
 instantly to paint and prepare for the evening 
 in an ocean of uproar and confusion, that 
 Babel must have been comparative tranquil- 
 
 Let the reader imagine the crashing of 
 twenty-four hundred plates (for everybody 
 had three) on the tables in ten minutes, 
 from huge baskets placed at intervals ; the 
 jingling of thousands of knives and forks ; 
 the dead thumping of hundreds of salt-cel- 
 lars ; the music of thousands of glasses, 
 tumblers, and bottles ; the calling and quar- 
 relling of waiters ; the scolding of directors ; 
 the tacking of upholsterers; and the ham- 
 mering of carpenters, — and he will have 
 some notion of what a great city feast is in 
 preparation. 
 
 But all this was peace till the evening 
 approached, and the great hall became 
 crowded with visitors. Before the noise of 
 the morning was half over, the nobility 
 began to arrive to witness the presentation 
 of the freedom to Earl Grey and Lord 
 Althorp ; and as each successive minister 
 and public character appeared, he was hailed 
 by shouts of applause ; for everybody 
 seemed in such spirits they could not com- 
 mand their enthusiasm. It was a proud 
 day, and a glorious and exhilarating scene 
 for Lord Grey and the old Reformers. 
 
 The visitors drew up at the usual en- 
 trance, passed in through a dingy passage 
 lined with beautiful shrubs, and came out 
 into the hall in a blaze of gas-light, passed 
 through double ranks of visitors, mounted 
 steps between figures in armour, and retired 
 to the council-chamber, where the Corpora- 
 tion were waiting. The whole scene* had 
 the air of a splendid rout ; but it was a rout 
 given by the greatest city on earth, to com- 
 memorate the greatest civil triumph ! 
 
 As the ministers passed in to the banquet, 
 I shall never forget my impression of Lord 
 Althorp’s bland smile, equally invincible to 
 censure or applause: the Chancellor passed 
 through an uproar of congratulation. The 
 distinct character of each minister was a fine 
 study for a painter ; nor have I had occasion 
 to obliterate any impressions of that night ; 
 in fact, I have done my best to embody them, 
 such as they were then felt — the noble air of 
 Lord Melbourne ; the keen look of Lord John 
 Russell ; the different expressions of Lord 
 Lansdowne and the Duke of Richmond, 
 Lord Ripon, and Sir James Graham. Then 
 came Mr. Stanley, with his eagle eye ; and, 
 in the midst of joyful congratulations, Lord 
 Grey. The appearance of Lord Grey, on all 
 great occasions, is one of the finest sights in 
 the world ; and I appeal to every noble Lord, 
 and every member of the House, if this be 
 exaggeration. His tall, stately figure, with 
 star and ribbon; his bald front and sable 
 
 hair, a little silvered, curling round it ; his 
 sensitive features ; his hair and look, realise 
 to perfection the idea of high rank, refined 
 honour, unimpeachable integrity, great 
 energy, and extreme susceptibility. His 
 appearance on this great night, as he issued 
 out of the dark passage into the blaze of 
 light, a little agitated, was the most interest- 
 ing thing I ever saw. The delight- with 
 which he was greeted was indisputable evi- 
 dence of public regard; and Lord Grey 
 seemed to feel it as the proudest and most 
 affecting moment of his life. There was an 
 expression too genuine to be mistaken ; many 
 besides myself were deeply touched ; and no 
 man, as Fuseli once said, shall ever convince 
 me that such moments and such feelings are 
 not immortal. 
 
 As soon as the ceremony of giving the 
 freedom was over, dinner was announced. 
 The company rushed in, and soon filled the 
 tables. I mounted my station, on an angle 
 of the great Chatham’s monument ; and in 
 sight of eight hundred visitors, some of them 
 the greatest men in the world, proudly dashed 
 away ! 
 
 What a scene it was ! The crowding of 
 the waiters; the jostling of servants; the 
 anxiety of the committee to see everybody 
 pleased ; the exhilarating cheers of triumph, 
 from eight hundred Reformers, after every 
 toast ; the splendour of the colour ; the mag- 
 nificence of the gas ; and then the clanging 
 and fierce harmony of the Russian hom band, 
 which broke in on the buzzing hum of this 
 vast hive of human beings, cannot be con- 
 veyed by any language on earth ! 
 
 The hall was fitted up with the greatest 
 taste — too much of nothing, and enough of 
 everything. Right over the centre of the 
 great table was a rich trophy of armour, 
 flags, devices, battle-axes, shields, swords, 
 and spears: a great cro^n in coloured gas 
 was above it, with rays of gas shining round 
 it ; the King’s initials were below, and the 
 awful word Reform above the whole. 
 
 At the end opposite was a magnificent 
 star, in gas ; and down the sides of the hall 
 were two flags and armour, between stars of 
 gas; while figures in armour, of different 
 periods, stood very grandly about : and at 
 the top of the room, between festoons of 
 crimson drapery, were five large mirrors, 
 which reflected the whole company. 
 
 About eleven o’clock at night, when the 
 gas was at its meridian, its splendour visibly 
 affected everybody in the hall. There was 
 a whispering of applause, which nearly broke 
 out into a roar of approbation. This was 
 the most interesting period of the night. 
 The victory was over, the commemoration 
 complete. The whole scene -was a glittering 
 enchantment — a magnificent vision : at this 
 moment, when all the company seemed re- 
 posing in admiration or thought, and the 
 splendour of the gorgeous scene was at its 
 height, the Duke of Sussex, who had never 
 spoken better than on this night, now rose to 
 take his leave. Lord Grey and the nobility 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 137 
 
 followed ; and finding myself, after fifteen 
 hours’ work, in possession of all 1 wanted, 
 and in a state of excitement bordering on 
 fever, I departed with my sketch which I 
 have never touched since, and never w ill. 
 
 GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER. 
 
 When that vacancy happened on the Ex- 
 chequer Bench which was afterwards filled 
 by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree 
 among themselves whom to appoint. It was 
 debated in Council, the King, George II 
 being present ; till the dispute growing very 
 warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest 
 by called out, in broken English, “ I will 
 have none of dese, give me the man wid de 
 dying speech,” meaning Mr. Adams, who 
 was then Recorder of London, and whose 
 business it, therefore, was to make the report 
 to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence 
 of death. 
 
 JOHN WESLEY AND ADAM CLARKE. 
 
 Wesley, being at Guernsey, took a passage 
 in an English brig to Penzance ; Adam 
 Clarke sailed with him; the wind became 
 contrary, and they had to make frequent 
 tacks. Mr. Wesley was sitting reading in 
 the cabin, and hearing the noise and bustle 
 which were occasioned by putting about the 
 vessel to stand on her different tacks, he put 
 his head above deck, and inquired what was 
 the matter ? Being told that the wind was 
 become contrary, and the ship was obliged to 
 tack, he said, “ Then let us go to prayer.” 
 His own company, who were upon deck, 
 walked down ; and, at his request, Dr. Coke, 
 Mr. Bradford, and Mr. Clarke went to 
 prayer. After the latter had ended, Mr. 
 Wesley broke out into fervent supplication, 
 which seemed to be more the offspring of 
 strong faith than of mere desire : his words 
 were remarkable, as well as the spirit, evi- 
 dent feeling, and manner in which they were 
 uttered. Some of them were to the follow- 
 ing effect: — “Almighty and everlasting 
 God, thou hast sway everywhere, and all 
 things serve the purpose of thy will : thou 
 holdest the winds in thy fists, and siltest 
 upon the water floods, and reignest a king 
 for ever ! Command these winds and these 
 waves that they obey thee, and take us 
 speedily and safely to the haven where we 
 would be !” The power of his petition was 
 felt by all. He rose from his knees, made no 
 kind of remark, but took up his book and con- 
 tinued his reading. Mr. Clarke went upon 
 deck, and what was his surprise, when he 
 found the vessel standing in her right course, 
 with a steady breeze, which slackened not 
 till, carrying them at the rate of nine or ten 
 knots an hour, they anchored safely near St. 
 Michael’s Mount, in Penzance Bay. On the 
 sudden and favourable change of the wind 
 Mr. Wesley made no remark; so fully 'did 
 he expect to be heard, that he took for 
 granted he was heard. Such answers to 
 prayer he was in the habit of receiving, and, 
 therefore, to him the occurrence was not strange. 
 
 RARE VIRTUE. 
 
 The paucity of some persons’ good actions 
 reminds one of Jonathan Wild, who was once 
 induced to be guilty of a good action, after 
 fully satisfying himself, upon the maturest 
 deliberation, that he could gain nothing by 
 refraining from it. 
 
 CHAMPAGNE. 
 
 When the Russian army of invasion passed 
 through Champagne, they took away six 
 hundred thousand bottles from the cellars of 
 M. Moet, of Epernay ; but he considers him- 
 self a gainer by the loss, his orders from the 
 north having been more than doubled since 
 then. M. Moet’s cellars are well deserving 
 of inspection ; he is always happy to do the 
 honours to tourists, and, at parting, presents 
 each with a bottle of the choicest wine. 
 
 LORD DERWENTWATER’s HEAD. 
 
 After the execution of Lord Derwent- 
 water, as no preparations had been made for 
 receiving the corpse on the spot, it was con- 
 veyed in a hackney-coach to his Lordship’s 
 friends, while the head itself was set up as a 
 spectacle above Temple- bar, according to the 
 barbarous custom of those times, which had 
 little respect for the dead when party feeling 
 was concerned. Here, however, it did not 
 remain long. According to tradition current 
 in the family, the Countess of Derwentwater 
 had, beforehand, arranged a plan for its re- 
 moval, which she now carried into effect with 
 equal dexterity and courage. Disguised as 
 a fisherwoman, and accompanied by another 
 female, most probably belonging to that 
 class, she passed under Temple-bar in a cart, 
 when some persons, who had been previously 
 bribed to the undertaking, dropped the head 
 from above into her lap, and, strange as it 
 may seem, she had the good fortune to get 
 off with her prize in safety. 
 
 ALLEN, EARL BATHURST. 
 
 His Lordship preserved his natural cheer- 
 fulness and vivacity to the very last. To 
 within a month of his death, which happened 
 on the 16 th of September, 1775, at the age of 
 ninety-one, he constantly rode out on horse- 
 back, two hours before dinner, and constantly 
 drank his bottle of claret or madeira after 
 dinner. He used to repeat often, with a 
 smile, that Dr. Cheyne had assured him, fifty 
 years before, that he would not live seven 
 years longer, unless he abridged himself of 
 his wine. About two years before his death, 
 he invited several of his friends to spend a 
 few cheerful days with him at his seat, near 
 Cirencester; and being, one evening, very 
 loth to part with them, his son (afterwards 
 Lord Chancellor Bathurst) objected to their 
 sitting up any longer, adding, that health 
 and long life were best secured by regularity. 
 The Earl suffered his son to retire, but as 
 soon as he left the room, exclaimed, “ Come, 
 my good friends, since the old gentleman is 
 gone to bed, I think we may venture to crack 
 another bottle ! ” 
 
138 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 THE STALE LOBSTER. 
 
 A woman who earns her living by calling 
 lobsters from house to house, made a dead set, 
 one Monday, at an old rich bachelor, living 
 in Great Queen-street. She stood upwards 
 of a minute gazing at the window, and sing- 
 ing out, with a wonderful pertinacity, “ Fresh 
 lobsters !” “ The old boy,” as she called him, 
 would not deign to pass a look either upon 
 herself or her lobsters. In her rounds all the 
 remaining days of the week she repeated the 
 attempt to seduce the votary of “ single bles- 
 sedness” into taking one of her lobsters, 
 which appeared to her the next best thing to 
 faking a wife. The effort, however, was at- 
 tended with no better success until Satur- 
 day, when he listened to the voice of the 
 charmer, and came down-stairs to bargain 
 with her. She had by this time only three 
 left. “ My good woman, you make an insuf- 
 ferable noise about these lobsters of yours; 
 are they as fresh and good as you say?” 
 “ In troth, they are, sir ; and that your ho- 
 nour will find, when you try.” “ Quite sure, 
 now, they are in excellent condition.” “ Y ou’ll 
 find them to be prime uns, sir — that I’ll 
 swear.” “See you do not deceive me.” 
 “Bless your soul, sir, I would not deceive 
 you for the world.” “ Then what’s the price 
 of this one ?” inquired the bachelor, taking 
 the largest one in his hand. ' “ That’s just 
 half-a-crown, and well it’s worth the mo- 
 ney.” “ Won’t you take two shillings for it ? 
 I think that’s quite enough.” “La! bless 
 you, sir, it cost myself more blunt !” “ Then 
 you’ll take nothing less than half a-crown ?” 
 “ I cannot take a farthing less, sir.” “ Well, 
 well, let me have it.” He deposited the half- 
 crown in the woman’s basket, took up the 
 lobster, went into the house, and shut the door. 
 The woman walked away with the view of dis- 
 posing of the remainder of her stock. The old 
 bachelor hastened up-stairs to banquet on the 
 supposed luxury ; but, “ shocking to relate,” 
 as the penny-a-line historians of accidents 
 say, the moment he opened it, the effluvia 
 which it emitted was such as to cause him 
 involuntarily to start back with so much 
 force as to endanger his equilibrium. He rang 
 the bell so furiously that the servant rushed 
 up-stairs in a perfect fright, thinking some 
 serious accident had occurred. “ Here, here,” 
 cried he, pointing to the lobster, before Janet 
 had well entered the room ; “ here, take the 
 tongs, and throw this into the ash-pit.” 
 Janet, of course, did as she was desired. On 
 Monday the lobster woman made her appear- 
 ance as usual opposite the enraged bachelor’s 
 window, with the old story of “ Fresh lob- 
 sters !” He rushed down-stairs, opened the 
 door, and accosted her with — “ How dared 
 3 r ou, you slut, have the impudence to sell me 
 that odious lobster on Saturday as a fresh 
 one ?” “ Did your honour mean to say it was 
 not fresh?” said the woman with the most 
 perfect coolness. “ Did I say it ? I do say 
 it, you liussey ; the stench on opening it was 
 insufferable.” “ Well, then, your honour, and 
 whose fault is it that it was not fresh? 
 
 Didn’t I call it at your window on Monday, 
 and all the week, and you wouldn’t have it 
 when it was fresh ?” 
 
 A GRETNA CUSTOMER. 
 
 A runaway couple were married at Gretna 
 Green. The smith demanded five guineas 
 for his services. “How is this?” said the 
 bridegroom, “ the gentleman you last mar- 
 ried assured me that he only gave you a 
 guinea” “ True,” said the smith, “ but he 
 was an Irishman. I have married him six 
 times. He is a customer. You I may never 
 see again.” 
 
 ROYAL PUN. 
 
 When a noble Admiral of the White, well 
 known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly 
 manners, and real goodness of heart, was in- 
 troduced to William the Fourth, to return 
 thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and 
 affable Monarch, looking at his hair, which 
 was almost as white as the newly- fallen snow, 
 jocosely exclaimed, “White at the main, 
 Admiral! white at the main!” 
 
 ONE EYE. 
 
 Peres, the Minister and favourite of Phi- 
 lip II., King of Spain, a man of great talent, 
 reposed all his happiness in the possession of 
 a mistress who had been deprived of an eye 
 from her birth. Henry IV., conversing one 
 day with Peres, said he could not understand 
 how a lady deprived of one eye could have 
 so many charms. “ Sire,” replied Peres, “ it 
 is by the providence of Heaven this young 
 lady was born with one eye : with this moiety 
 of natural fire she has put all Spain in com- 
 bustion ; if she had possessed two eyes, she 
 would have reduced it to ashes.” 
 
 OMENS. 
 
 When George III. was crowned, a large 
 emerald fell from his crown : America was 
 lost in this reign. — When Charles X. was 
 crowned at Rheims, he accidentally dropped 
 his hat : the Due d’Orleans (Louis Phi- 
 lippe) picked it up and presented it to him. 
 — On the Saturday preceding the promulga- 
 tion of the celebrated ordonnances by Charles 
 X.’s Ministers, the white flag which floated 
 on the column in the Place Vendome, and 
 was always hoisted when the Royal family 
 were in Paris, was observed to be torn in 
 three places : the tricolor waved in its 
 
 stead the following week. —The morning of 
 its rejection, by the House of Lords, of the 
 first Reform Bill, will be remembered by the 
 ominous appearance of the heavens ; it might 
 be truly said — 
 
 “ The dawn was overcast.” 
 
 — At the period of Napoleon’s dissolution, on 
 the 4th of the month in which he expired, 
 the island of St. Helena was swept by a tre- 
 mendous storm, which tore up almost all the 
 trees about Longwood by the roots. The 5th 
 was another day of tempests ; and about six 
 in the evening Napoleon pronounced “ Tcte 
 d , armee, ,> and expired. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 139 
 
 OUTWITTING. 
 
 A lawyer at Nottingham had a wealthy 
 man for his client, who was well known for 
 his practical economy, to say the least of his 
 saving sins. The suit was long, and this 
 gentleman, who had hitherto taken but little 
 notice of his legal adviser, suddenly became 
 profusely civil, for he invited him to dinner, 
 and one bottle of wine, every Sunday ; then, 
 in the course of the evening, the economist 
 was sure to say — in that confidential, familiar 
 tone, which expesses, I’m talking to you as 
 a friend, remember there’s nothing to pay — 
 
 “ And now, Mr. , I’ve a little point for 
 
 your consideration,” whereupon a regular 
 discussion ensued. The lawyer soon began 
 to suspect his client’s cunning manoeuvre, 
 and to say to himself, “If the beggarly 
 fellow thinks to kill two birds with one stone 
 and to take me in, he’s mistaken but he 
 quietty suffered the miser’s civility to run on 
 for twelve months ; at the end of this period 
 he sent his host in a monstrous bill, contain- 
 ing, amongst sundry week-day charges, the 
 following items, nearly in the following words, 
 for every Sunday in the year : — £ s. d. 
 
 To coming to you, when you sent 
 for me, including expenses to 
 and from your house, for horse, 
 chaise, servant, turnpike, &c.> 
 
 Sunday, the * * * 2 2 0 
 
 To counsel, given, as per request, 
 when dining with you, Sunday, 
 
 the * * * .068 
 
 There was no disputing the matter, and the 
 money was paid. 
 
 EUGENE ARAM. 
 
 A correspondent of the Gentleman? s 
 Magazine writes i- — “ In March, 1837, 1 was 
 at Wisbeach, and happening to hear that an 
 old woman in the almshouses had been pre- 
 sent when Eugene Aram was apprehended at 
 Lynn, in the year 1757, 1 paid her a visit. 
 She informed me, that, at the time of his 
 being apprehended, she was a girl of eleven 
 years of age ; that he was put into the chaise 
 handcuffed, and that the boys of the school 
 were in tears; that he was much esteemed 
 by them, having been used to associate with 
 them in their play-hours. She said that the 
 picture of his person in the ‘Newgate 
 Calendar’ is the express image of him ; and 
 she mentioned (what I had heard before, but 
 not with her peculiar phrase) that he always 
 wore his hat bungled, which she explained, 
 ‘ bent down, or slouched.’ One remark she 
 made which I think very interesting, and 
 worthy of record. She said that it had been 
 observed that in looking behind him he never 
 turned his head or his person partly round, 
 but always turned round at once bodily. I 
 give you her very words. Has any poet, any 
 observer of nature, ever depicted this in- 
 stance of fear mustering up resolution ? I do 
 not remember any description of the kind. 
 How thankful would Mr. Bulwer have 
 been for the anecdote, had he received it in 
 time !” 
 
 PRACTICAL RETORT. 
 
 In the theatre at Weimar, in Germany, 
 not long ago, there were only seven persons 
 in the house. The pit took offence at the 
 miserable acting of a performer, and hissed 
 him energetically ; whereupon the manager 
 brought his company on the stage, and out- 
 hissed the visitors. 
 
 ODD JUSTICE. 
 
 The Quakers resident in Philadelphia 
 applied to their society, as they do not go to 
 law, to decide in the following difficulty. A 
 is uneasy about a ship that ought to have 
 arrived ; meets B., an usurer, and states his 
 wish to have the vessel insured : the matter 
 is agreed upon. A. returns home, and re- 
 ceives a letter informing him of the loss of 
 his ship. What shall he do ? He is afraid 
 that the policy is not filled up, and should B. 
 hear of the matter soon, it is all over with 
 him : he therefore writes to B. thus, “Friend 
 B., if thee hasn’t filled up the policy, thee 
 need’nt, for I've heard of the ship.” “ Oh, 
 oh 1” thinks B. to himself, “ cunning fellow, 
 he wants to do me out of the premium.” So 
 he writes thus to A., “ Friend A., thee bee’st 
 too late by half an hour, the policy is filled up.” 
 A. rubs his hands with delight ; yet B. refuses 
 to pay. Well, what is the decision? The 
 loss is divided between them. Perhaps this 
 is even-handed justice, though unquestion- 
 ably an odd decision. 
 
 TOO LATE AT CHURCH. 
 
 An old clergyman relates : — “ I had a ser- 
 vant with a very deceptive name, Samuel 
 Moral, who, as if merely to belie it, was in 
 one respect the most immoral, for he was 
 much given to intoxication. This, of course, 
 brought on other careless habits ; and, as I 
 wished to reclaim him, if possible, I long 
 bore with him, and many a lecture I gave 
 him. ‘ Oh, Samuel, Samuel,’ said I to him 
 very frequently, ‘ what will become of you?’ 
 On one occasion I told him he was making 
 himself a brute, and then only was he roused 
 to reply angrily, ‘Brute, sir— no brute at all, 
 
 sir — was bred and born at T .’ But the 
 
 incident which would inevitably have upset 
 the equilibrium of your gravity was this. I 
 had given him many a lecture for being too 
 late at church, but still I could not make 
 him punctual. One Sunday, as I was read- 
 ing the first lesson, which happened to be the 
 third chapter, first book of Samuel, I saw 
 him run in at the church door, ducking down 
 his head that he should not bo noticed. He 
 made as much haste as he could up into the 
 gallery, and he had no sooner appeared in 
 the front, thinking of nothing but that he 
 might escape observation, than I came to 
 these words, ‘ Samuel, Samuel.’ I never can 
 forget his attitude, directly facing me. He 
 stood up in an instant, leaned over the rail- 
 ing, with his mouth wide open, and, if some 
 one had not pulled him down instantly by 
 the skirt of his coat, I have no doubt he 
 would have publicly made his excuse.” 
 
140 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 SWALLOWING KNIVES. 
 
 Dr. Marcet, in the “ Medico-Chirurgical 
 Transactions,” 1822, relates the history of an 
 English sailor, who, in imitation of a con- 
 juror, whose tricks he had just witnessed, 
 and in a drunken frolic, swallowed several 
 clasp-knives, and ten years afterwards died 
 in Guy’s Hospital. Several most skilful sur- 
 geons examined his body with great interest 
 and attention • to the astonishment of all, the 
 blades of many knives were found in his in- 
 terior, “ some of them remarkably corroded 
 and prodigiously reduced in size, whilst others 
 were, comparatively, in a state of tolerable 
 preservation.” The knives are still to be seen 
 in the museum attached to the hospital. 
 
 A CROCKETTER. 
 
 Colonel Crocket, while on an electioneer- 
 ing trip, fell in at a gathering, and it be- 
 came necessary for him to treat the company. 
 His finances were rather low, having but 
 one ’coon skin about him ; however, he 
 pulled it out, slapped it down on the counter, 
 and called for its value in whiskey. The 
 merchant measured out the whiskey and 
 threw the skin into the loft. The colonel 
 observing the logs very open, took out his 
 ramrod, and, upon the merchant turning 
 his back, twisted his ’coon skin out and 
 pocketed it : when more whiskey was wanted, 
 /he same skin was pulled out, slapped upon 
 the counter, and its value called for. This 
 trick was played until they were all tired of 
 drinking. 
 
 EATING PIG.. 
 
 The Lady Guilla, an Italian Countess of 
 the eleventh century, wanting, it would 
 seem, a dinner, carried off a pig from a wi- 
 dow close by, set her cooks hard to work 
 on it, and when it was ready sat down to 
 dinner. The widow had often begged that 
 the victim might be given back to her, but 
 the Countess, having snuffed up the savour 
 of roast pig in “ her mind’s nose,” turned a 
 deaf ear to all solicitations. The widow, 
 nothing daunted, broke in upon her in the 
 very act of eating the pig, and (very reason- 
 ably) begged that she might at least have a 
 taste of this pig of her own feeding. “ Let 
 me,” she said, “ though not thought worthy 
 to enjoy in the accustomed way what I 
 nursed and fed so carefully, at least have a 
 taste of its last savour.” The proud matron 
 not only refused her a morsel of the pig, 
 but told her, in the most insolent manner, 
 that she should have none. But the very 
 same day, after dinner, “ having thus fat- 
 tened her stomach by this robbery of another 
 person,” she went out for a stroll, and sat 
 down under the side of the castle moat. 
 While she was there some of the fortifica- 
 tions above gave way, and towers and earth 
 came down on her. They set men to dig her 
 out, but the weight which had fallen on her 
 was such as to have beaten her to atoms ; or, 
 as the narrator says, in his pointed way, “ She 
 who had denied a piece of pork to the widow, 
 was smashed into pieces herself.” 
 
 CHELSEA HEROINES. 
 
 In the year 1739 was interred in the Col- 
 lege burying-ground Christian Davies, alias 
 Mother Ross, who, according to her own nar- 
 rative, served in several campaigns under 
 King William and the Duke of Marlbo- 
 rough, and behaved with signal bravery. 
 During the latter part of her life she resided 
 at Chelsea, where her third husband was 
 a pensioner in the college. At this time she 
 subsisted, as she tells us, principally on the 
 benevolence of the quality at Court, whither 
 she went twice a week in a hackney-coach, 
 old age and infirmities having rendered her 
 unable to walk. 
 
 The famous Hannah Snell, whose his- 
 tory is recorded in various publications 
 of the year 1750, was actually at that 
 time put upon the out-pensioners list at 
 Chelsea, on account of the wounds which 
 she received at the siege of Pondicherry. 
 Her singular story excited a considerable 
 share of public attention ; and she was en- 
 gaged to sing, and perform the military ex- 
 ercises at various places of public entertain- 
 ment : soon afterwards she married one Evles, 
 a carpenter at Newbury. A lady of fortune, 
 who admired the heroism and eccentricity of 
 her conduct, having honoured her with par- 
 ticular notice, became godmother to her son, 
 and contributed liberally to his education. 
 Mrs. Eyles, to the day of her death, conti- 
 nued to receive her pension, which, in the 
 year 1786, was augmented by a special grant 
 to a shilling a da}'. In the latter part of her 
 life she discovered symptoms of insanity, and 
 was admitted a patient into Bethlehem Hos- 
 pital, where she died, February 8, 1792, aged 
 69 years. 
 
 soldier’s appeal. 
 
 During the siege of Fort Philip, a young 
 lieutenant of the Marines was so unhappy as 
 to lose both his legs by a chain shot. In this 
 miserable and helpless condition he was con- 
 veyed by the first opportunity to England, 
 and a memorial of his case presented to an 
 honourable board, in order to obtain some, 
 additional consideration to the narrow stipend 
 of half-pay. The Board pitied the youth, but 
 disregarded his petition. Major Mason had the 
 poorlieutenant conducted to Court on a public 
 day, in his uniform, where, posted in the 
 guard-room, and supported by two brother 
 officers, he cried out, as George II. was pass- 
 ing to the drawingroom, “ Behold, great sire, 
 a man who refuses to bend his knee to you : 
 he has lost both in your sendee.” The King, 
 struck no less by the singularity of this ad- 
 dress than by the melancholy object before 
 him, stopped and hastily demanded what 
 had been done for him. Half-pay,” replied 
 the lieutenant, “an’t please your Majesty.” 
 “ Fie, fie on’t,” said the King, shaking his 
 head, “ but let me see you again next levee 
 day.” The lieutenant did not fail to appear 
 at the place of assignation, when he received 
 from the immediate hands of Royalty five 
 hundred pounds smart money, and a pension 
 of two hundred a year. 
 
BAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 141 
 
 YORKSHIRE FUN. 
 
 The assizes and the theatre always open 
 together at York ; and it is common to hear 
 the Tykes say, “ Eh, lad, ther’ll be fun next 
 week • t’pla’ctors is cuming, and t’men’s to 
 be hung all at t’syame time.” 
 
 AWKWARD HONOUR. 
 
 In 1832 a medical gentleman wrote a letter 
 to Sir Henry Halford on cholera, in which he 
 took to himself the credit of being “the 
 first to discover the disease, and communicate 
 it to the public /” The public is much 
 obliged to him. 
 
 GOVERNESSES. 
 
 A lady wrote to her son, requesting him to 
 look out for a lady, such as she described, 
 and such as is ordinarily expected in a 
 governess, that is to say, all-accomplished, 
 with the disposition of an angel. The gen- 
 tleman wrote back that he had long been 
 looking out for such a person, and that when 
 he found her he should not recommend her 
 for a governess, but take her for a wife. 
 
 mrs. trollope’s conversation with an 
 
 AMERICAN WOMAN. 
 
 “Well now, so you be from the old 
 country ? Ay, you’ll see sights here, I 
 guess.” 
 
 “ I hope I shall see many.” 
 
 “ That’s a fact. Why they do say, that 
 if a poor body contrives to be smart enough 
 to scrape together a few dollars, that your 
 King George always comes down upon ’em, 
 and takes it all away. Don’t he ?” 
 
 “ I do not remember hearing of such a 
 transaction.” 
 
 “I guess they be pretty close about it. 
 Your papers ben’t like ourn, I reckon. Now 
 we says and prints just what we likes.” 
 
 “ You spend a good deal of time in reading 
 the newspapers.” 
 
 “ And I’d like you to tell me how we can 
 spend it better. How should freemen spend 
 their time, but looking after their Govern- 
 ment, and watching that them fellers as we 
 gives offices to doos their duty, and gives 
 themselves no airs?” 
 
 “But I sometimes think, ma’am, that 
 your fences might be in more thorough 
 repair and your roads in better order, if less 
 time was spent in politics.” 
 
 “ The Lord ! to see how little you knows 
 of a free country. Why, what’s the smooth- 
 ness of a road put against the freedom of a 
 free-born American ? And what does a 
 broken zig-zag signify, comparable to know- 
 ing that the men what we have been pleased 
 to send up to Congress speaks handsome and 
 straight, as we choses they should?” 
 
 “It is from a sense of duty, then, that you 
 all go to the liquor store to read the papers?” 
 
 “ To be shure it is, and he’d be no true- 
 born American as didn’t. I don’t say that 
 the father of a family should always be after 
 liquor, but I do say that I’d rather have my 
 son drunk three times in a week than not to 
 look after the affairs of bis country.” 
 
 SNAKE STORY. 
 
 A snake, about two feet long, was seen, 
 in New Harmony (United States), to enter the 
 hole inhabited by a craw-fish, from which he 
 soon retreated, followed by the right- 
 ful tenant, who stopped in defensive atti- 
 tude at the mouth of his habitation, raising 
 his claws in defiance. The snake turned 
 quickly round, and seized the head of the 
 craw-fish, as if to swallow him ; but the craw- 
 fish soon put an end to the conflict, by clasp- 
 ing the snake’s neck with his claws, and 
 severing the head completely from his body. 
 This may appear marvellous ; but Audubon 
 tells a story of a rattle-snake chasing and 
 overtaking a squirrel, which folks in America 
 doubt. 
 
 CAPILLARY ATTRACTION. 
 
 When Charles II. was espoused to the In- 
 fanta of Portugal, a fleet was sent over to 
 Lisbon, with proper attendants, to bring her 
 hither ; but her Majesty being informed that 
 there were some particular customs in Portu- 
 gal, with relation to the ladies, which the 
 King would not easily dispense with, the 
 fleet was detained six or seven weeks, at a 
 great expense, till her Majesty's hair grew . — 
 (Mr. Prince, with his Russian oil, would have 
 prospered under Royal patronage in those 
 days; and Mr. Rowland would not have 
 needed immortality in Byron’s verse : “ In- 
 comparable huile Macassar .”) 
 
 ORIGIN OF THE HOUSE OF RUSSELL. 
 
 The Russell family may date the era of 
 their greatness to a violent storm, which 
 happened about the year 1500, on the coast 
 of Dorset, a county which appears to have 
 been the birthplace of their ancestors, one of 
 whom was Constable of Corfe Castle, in the 
 year 1221. Philip, Archduke of Austria, son 
 of the Emperor Maximilian, being on a voy- 
 age to Spain, was obliged by the fury of a 
 sudden tempest to take refuge in the harbour 
 of Weymouth. He was received on shore, 
 and accommodated by Sir Thos. Trenchard, 
 who invited his relation, Mr. John Russell, to 
 wait upon the Archduke. Philip was so 
 much pleased with the polite manners and 
 cultivated talents of Mr. Russell, who was 
 conversant with both the French and German 
 languages, that, on arriving at court, he re- 
 commended him to the notice of Henry VII., 
 who immediately sent for him to his palace, 
 where he remained in great favour till the 
 King’s death. In the estimation of Hemy 
 VIII. he rose still higher. By that monarch 
 he was made Lord Warden of the Stannaries, 
 Lord Admiral of England and Ireland, 
 Knight of the Garter, and Lord Privy Seal, 
 and on the 9th of March, 1538, created Baron 
 Russell, of Cheneys, in the county of Bucks, 
 which estate he afterwards acquired by mar- 
 riage. At the coronation of Edward VI. he 
 officiated as Lord High Steward; and two 
 years afterwards, in the year 1549, was 
 created Earl of Bedford. He died in 1554, 
 and was buried at Cheneys, where many of 
 his descendants have also been interred, &c. 
 
142 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 UNWELCOME TITLE. 
 
 Charles Incledon, the vocalist, being asked 
 if he had ever read Murray’s “ Sermons to 
 Asses,” replied, “He had not; he did not 
 like the book ; the title was too personal.” 
 
 PUBLIC ACCOUNTS. 
 
 At one period, while the Duke of New- 
 castle was in power, in the reign of George 
 II., many serious complaints were made rela- 
 tive to the settlement of public accounts. 
 The King, at length, became acquainted 
 with the alleged grievances, and warmly 
 remonstrated with the Duke on his careless- 
 ness and inattention ; protested that he was 
 determined, at once, for his own satisfaction 
 and that of his aggrieved people, to look 
 into the papers himself. “ Is your Majesty 
 in earnest?” asked the Duke. The King 
 replied in the affirmative, and the Duke pro- 
 mised to send him the accounts. At an early 
 hour on the following morning, the King was 
 disturbed by an extraordinary noise in the 
 courtyard of his Palace, and, looking out of 
 the window he perceived a cart or a waggon 
 laden with books and papers, which, on 
 inquiry, he found had been sent by the 
 Duke of Newcastle. Shortly afterwards, the 
 Minister himself appeared, and the King 
 asked him what he meant by sending a 
 waggon-load of stationery to the Palace. 
 
 “ These are the documents relative to the 
 public accounts,” replied his Grace, “ which 
 your Majesty insisted on examining; and 
 there is no other mode of forwarding them 
 except by carts or waggons. I except a 
 second load will arrive in a few minutes.” 
 
 “Then, my Lord Duke,” replied the King, 
 “you may make a bonfire of them for me. 
 I would rather be a galley-slave than go 
 through the rubbish ; so away with it, and 
 countermand the cart which you say is 
 coming ; but pray let me hear no more com- 
 plaints on this subject.” 
 
 On another occasion, he sent, in a fury, for 
 the Duke’s brother, Mr. Pelham, and in- 
 quired, in a coarse and angry manner, why 
 the civil list had not been paid. Pelham 
 replied that he had been compelled to use 
 the money for some public and more im- 
 portant purpose. The King, however, would 
 not admit of this excuse , and swore, if the 
 arrears were not instantly paid, he would get 
 another Minister. “ I am determined,” said 
 he, “ not to be the only master in my domi- 
 nions who does not pay his servants’ wages.” 
 
 One day it appears that he was actually 
 without a shilling in his pocket ; for it is 
 related that a half idiot labourer, while the 
 King was inspecting the progress of some 
 repairs at Kensington, having asked his 
 Majesty for something to drink, the King, 
 although offended, was yet ashamed to refuse 
 the fellow, and put his hand into the usual 
 receptacle of his cash, but, to his surprise and 
 confusion, found it empty. “ I have no 
 money,” said he angrily. “Nor I either,” 
 quoth the labourer ; “ and, for my part, I 
 can’t think what has become of it all.” 
 
 A SCOLDING WIFE. 
 
 Dr. Casin having heard the famous Thomas 
 Fuller repeat some verses on a scolding wife, 
 was so delighted with them as to request a 
 copy. “There is no necessity for that,” said 
 Fuller, “ as you have got the original.” 
 
 HONOUR 
 
 William III. having insisted on Lord 
 
 H n’s giving him his honour not to fight 
 
 a man who had given him a box on the ear, 
 his Lordship was obliged seemingly to com- 
 ply ; but as soon as he was out or the King’s 
 presence, he fought the man. The King was 
 at first highly incensed at his breaking his 
 word with him, and asked him how he came 
 to do so, when he had just given him his ho- 
 nour. “ Sire,” replied his Lordship, “ you 
 were in the wrong to take such a pledge, 
 for at the time I gave it you I had no honour 
 to give.” 
 
 A DANCING AKCHBISHOP. 
 
 Dr. King, Archbishop of Dublin, having 
 invited several persons of distinction to dine 
 with him, had, amongst a great variety of 
 dishes, a fine leg of mutton and caper sauce ; 
 but the Doctor, who was not fond of butter, 
 and remarkable for preferring a trencher to 
 a plate, had some of the above-mentioned 
 pickle introduced dry for his use ; which, as 
 he was mincing, he called aloud to the com- 
 pany to observe him. “ I here present you, 
 my Lords and gentlemen,” said he, “ with a 
 sight that may henceforward serve you to 
 talk of as something curious, namely, that 
 you saw an Archbishop of Dublin, at four- 
 score and seven years of age, cut capers upon 
 a trencher.” 
 
 dolls’ eyes. 
 
 Insignificant as may appear this petty ar- 
 ticle of commerce, it is well known to keep 
 in employ several thousand hands, and goes 
 to show the vast importance of trifles to a 
 country' of decided commercialists. Mr. Osier, 
 an intelligent manufacturer of Birmingham, 
 gave the following statement before the com- 
 mittee of the House of Commons, in 1824 ; — 
 “ Eighteen years ago, on my first journey to 
 London, a respectable-looking man in the 
 city asked me if I could supply him with 
 dolls’ eyes ; and I was foolish enough to feel 
 half offended. I thought it derogatory to 
 my new dignity as a manufacturer to make 
 dolls’ eyes. He took me into a room quite as 
 wide, and twice the length of this (one of 
 the large rooms for committees in the House 
 of Commons), and we had just room to walk 
 between the stacks, from the floor to the 
 ceiling, of parts of dolls. He said these were 
 only the legs and arms, the trunks were be- 
 low ; but 1 saw enough to convince me that 
 he wanted a great many eyes ; and as the ar- 
 ticle appeared quite in my own line of busi- 
 ness, I said I would take an order by way of 
 experiment, and he showed me several spe- 
 cimens. I copied the order, and on returning 
 to the Tavistock Hotel I found it amounted 
 to upwards of £500.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 14; 
 
 FAMILY SLAUGHTER. 
 
 In Westmoreland it is usual at Christmas 
 for the farmers to kill each a sheep for their 
 own use, on which occasion, when the butcher 
 inquires if they want any meat against 
 Christmas, the usual reply is, “ Nay, I think 
 not, I think o’ killing mysell.” A butcher 
 called on a fanner of his acquaintance in the 
 usual manner, saying, “ Will ye want a bit 
 o’ meat, or ye’ll kill yersell, this Christmas ?” 
 “ I kna not,” replied the farmer, “ whether 
 I’se kill mysell, or tak’ a side o’ me fey- 
 ther.” 
 
 DR. PARR. 
 
 Dr. Parr used, on a Sunday evening, after 
 church, to sit on the green, at Hatton, with 
 his pipe and his jug, and witness the exer- 
 tions of his parishioners in the truly English 
 game of cricket, making only one proviso, 
 that none should join the party who had not 
 previously been to church. It is needless to 
 say his presence was an effectual check on all 
 disorderly conduct ; the skittle-grounds were 
 deserted, and a better conducted parish was 
 rarely seen than the worthy doctor’s. He 
 was beloved by his flock during his life, and 
 sincerely lamented at his death. 
 
 DESPERATE DEFENCE. 
 
 The most remarkable of the desperate de- 
 fences in the war in Spain in 1835 was that 
 of the Alcade Mayor of the village of Albo- 
 ca^er. On the approach of Cabrera and his 
 (Carlist) troops, the Alcade Mayor com- 
 manding the National Guard shut himself 
 up in the church with twelve men, dismiss- 
 ing the rest of the inhabitants. As usual, 
 the church was set on fire, and he retired 
 into the tower accompanied by only two men. 
 The latter, giving themselves up for lost, 
 thought that, by sacrificing their leader, they 
 might save their own lives. One of them 
 fired a pistol, which missed him ; the Alcade 
 killed the assassin with a blow of his dagger, 
 cast the other man from the tower, and thus 
 remained to defend himself alone : the tower 
 was at last pulled down, and by the greatest 
 chance he fell among the ruins unwounded, 
 and remained closely concealed under a bell ; 
 the Garlists sought for him in vain, and re- 
 tired. The brave Alcade seized his arms, 
 rushed from the ruins of the church, and with 
 a stentorian voice cried aloud, “ The Alcade 
 Mayor of Alboca 9 er is still alive ! Liberty for 
 !Ver!” He discharged his piece upon” his 
 enemies, and succeeded in effecting his es- 
 cape, in the midst of the confusion which his 
 sudden reappearance had caused. 
 
 ROAST PIG. 
 
 How this morceau from Tietz’s “ Constan- 
 tinople” would bave gratified Charles Lamb. 
 The Russian Ambassador, Ivl. VonBulgakow, 
 who, during the last year of the preceding 
 century, was for some time an inhabitant 
 of the Seven Towers, discovered a safe and 
 clever mode of receiving intelligence from 
 his friends on the exterior. Having a most 
 extraordinary appetite for roast pig, his 
 
 agents endeavoured, by frequently sending 
 him this dish, to gratify his wishes. The 
 well-known prejudice of the Turks against 
 pork made the then existing Janissaries pass 
 by the messengers with rapidity, without be- 
 stowing on them the requisite inspection. 
 Had they but known that the stuffing of the 
 little animal consisted of important letters, 
 they would not, probably, have hesitated as 
 to his dissection. But the Turks are a 
 kindly people, and very little prone to sus- 
 picion. “ Allah kerim ! ” they would exclaim ; 
 “ if He had wished that the correspondence 
 should be discovered, some miracle would, 
 doubtlessly, have exposed the inside of the 
 pig to light ! ” 
 
 HARLOW’S sign-painting. 
 
 There is a nice little anecdote connected 
 with the sign of the Queen’s Head at Epsom. 
 The above sign (the original, for the board 
 has been repainted) was executed by Har- 
 low, the artist of the celebrated picture of 
 “ The Trial of Queen Katherine ; or, the 
 Kemble Family.” The painter, it will be 
 remembered, was a pupil of the late Sir 
 Thomas Lawrence. He was a young man 
 of consummate vanity, and, having unwar- 
 rantably claimed the merit of painting the 
 Newfoundland dog introduced in Lawrence’s 
 portrait of Mrs. Angerstein, the two artists 
 quarrelled, and Harlow took his resentment 
 as follows. He repaired to the Queen’s 
 Head, at Epsom, where his style of living 
 having incurred a bill which he could not 
 discharge, he proposed, like Morland under 
 similar circumstances, to paint a sign- board 
 in liquidation of his score. This was ac- 
 cepted. He painted both sides : the one 
 presented a front view of her Majesty, in a 
 sort of clever, dashing caricature of Sir Tho- 
 mas’s style ; the other represented the back 
 view of the Queen’s person, as if looking 
 into the sign-board; and underneath was 
 painted, “ T L., Greek- street, Soho.” When 
 Sir Thomas met him, he addressed him with, 
 “ I have seen your additional act of perfidy 
 at Epsom ; and, if you were not a scoundrel, 
 I would kick you from one end of the street 
 to the other.” “ There is some privilege in 
 being a scoundrel, for the street is very long,” 
 replied Harlow, unabashed, but moving out 
 of reach of the threatened vengeance. Such 
 is the current story ; but there must be some 
 error either in the facts or their date. Har- 
 low was but a youth eighteen years old when 
 he left Lawrence, and too young, therefore, 
 for a man’s resentment ; neither had his con- 
 duct, a mere tricky slip, been such as to call 
 forth fierce language in a person habitually 
 so cautious and guarded as Lawrence. On 
 the other hand, had Harlow arrived at man- 
 hood when it happened, he would not have 
 allowed the words “scoundrel” and “per- 
 fidy ” to pass with impunity. However all 
 this may have been, the pupil quarrelled with 
 Lawrence, and, resolving to be master of his 
 own movements in future, commenced work- 
 ing for himself 
 
144 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 sheridax’s wit. 
 
 Sheridan enjoyed a distinguished reputa- 
 tion for colloquial wit. From among the best 
 of the occasional dicta, &c. attributed to him, 
 the following are selected : — 
 
 An elderly maiden lady, an inmate of a 
 country-house at which Sheridan was passing 
 a few days, expressed an inclination to take 
 a stroll with him, but he excused himself on 
 account of the badness of the weather. 
 Shortly afterwards, she met him sneaking 
 out alone. “ So, Mr. Sheridan,” said she, 
 “ it has cleared up.” “Yes, madam,” was the 
 reply ; “ it certainly has cleared up enough 
 for one, but not enough for two and off he 
 went. 
 
 He jocularly observed, on one occasion, to 
 a creditor, who peremptorily required pay- 
 ment of the interest due on a long-standing 
 debt, “ My dear sir, you know it is not my 
 interest to pay the principal ; nor is it my 
 principle to pay the interest .” 
 
 One day, the Prince of Wales having ex- 
 patiated on the beauty of Dr. Darwin’s 
 opinion, that the reason why the bosom of a 
 beautiful woman possesses such a fascinating 
 effect on man is, because he derived from that 
 source the first pleasurable sensations of his 
 infancy, Sheridan ridiculed the idea very 
 happily. “Such children, then,” said he, 
 “ as are brought up by hand, must needs be 
 indebted for similar sensations to a very dif- 
 ferent object ; and yet, I believe, no man has 
 ever felt any intense emotion of amatory de- 
 light at beholding a pap-spoon.” 
 
 Boaden, the author of several theatrical 
 pieces, having given Drury -Lane Theatre 
 the title of a wilderness, Sheridan, when re- 
 quested shortly afterwards to produce a 
 tragedy written by Boaden, replied, “The 
 wise and discreet author calls our house a 
 wilderness. Now, I don’t mind allowing the 
 oracle to have his opinion ; but it is really 
 too much for him to expect that I will suffer 
 him to prove his words.” 
 
 He once took advantage of the singular 
 appetite of his friend Richardson for argu- 
 ment, to evade payment of a heavy coach- 
 fare. Sheridan had occupied a hackney- 
 coach for several hours, and had not a penny 
 in his pocket to pay the coachman. While 
 in this dilemma, Richardson passed, and he 
 immediately proposed to take the disputant 
 up, as they appeared to be going in the same 
 direction. The offer was accepted, and She- 
 ridan adroitly started a subject on which his 
 companion was very vehement and obstinate. 
 The argument was maintained with great 
 warmth on both sides, until at length Sheri- 
 dan affected to lose his temper, and, pulling 
 the check-string, commanded the coachman 
 to let him out instantly, protesting that he 
 would not iide another yard with a man who 
 held such opinions, and supported them in 
 such a manner. So saying, he descended, 
 and walked oft', leaving Richardson to enjoy 
 his fancied triumph, and to pay the whole 
 tare. Richardson, it is said, in a paroxysm 
 of delight at Sheridan’s apparent defeat, put 
 
 his head out of the window, and vociferated 
 his arguments until he was out of sight. 
 
 THREE REASONS. 
 
 “ There is nothing in the world I am so 
 fond of as a play, Tom,” said an old lady to 
 her nephew, “ and, but for three reasons, 1 
 should be a great frequenter of the theatres.” 
 “ And what may those reasons be, my dear 
 aunt ?” “ Why, Tom, first I hate the trou- 
 
 ble of going thither ; next, I hate the trouble 
 of staying there; and, lastly, I hate the 
 trouble of coming home again.” 
 
 LADY DROGHEDA AND WILLIAM 
 WYCHERLEY. 
 
 Several years after the appearance of his 
 play of “ The Plain Dealer,” Wycherley en- 
 countered the Countess of Drogheda, a young, 
 rich, and beautiful widow, at Tunbridge. 
 They met in a bookseller’s shop. The lady 
 came to inquire for “ The Plain Dealer,” and 
 the master of the shop presently introduced 
 Wycherley to her as the real Plain Dealer. 
 This must have been subsequently to June, 
 1679, when the Earl died. The poet and the 
 Countess were soon after privately married. 
 The lady was (probably not without good 
 reason) distractedly jealous. Dennis relates 
 that their lodgings were in Bow-street, Co- 
 vent-garden, opposite the Cock Tavern ; 
 and that, if at any time he entered that 
 place of refreshment with his friends, he was 
 obliged to leave the windows open, that she 
 might see that there was no woman in the 
 company Of course, a person of this dispo- 
 sition would feel considerable reluctance to 
 trust her husband at Court. The infrequency 
 of Wycherley’s appearance there gave um- 
 brage, and lost him the favour of Charles. 
 The Countess did not long survive her mar- 
 riage. She settled her whole estates upon 
 Wycherley ; but the settlement was disputed, 
 and the dramatist, ruined by law and extra- 
 vagance, was thrown into prison. There he 
 lay for several years. It is said he was at 
 last relieved by James II., who having gone 
 to see “ The Plain Dealer ” acted, was so de- 
 lighted, that he was induced to give orders 
 for the payment of the author’s debts, and 
 for the grant of a pension of £200 per 
 annum. Wycherley did not profit by the 
 King’s liberality to the full extent, for, 
 ashamed to confess the amount of his debts, 
 he understated them. His pension dropped 
 at the Revolution. He father’s estate, to 
 which he succeeded some years later, was 
 strictly entailed, and the income fell, under 
 an attachment, for the creditors. The poet, 
 nevertheless, continued to struggle on till 
 1715, the year of his death. Eleven days 
 before that event, in the eightieth year of 
 his age, he was married to a young woman 
 with a fortune of £1500. What attractions 
 such a match could possess for the lady, it is 
 difficult to imagine. He contrived to spend 
 a good deal of her money ; but repaid her on 
 his death-bed by the judicious advice, “ not 
 to take an old man for her second husband.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 145 
 
 PUNS BY GEORGE IV. 
 
 The best sayings attributed to George IV. 
 are a set of middling puns, of which the fol- 
 lowing is a favourable selection : — 
 
 When Langdale’s distillery was plun- 
 dered, during the riots of the year 1780, 
 he asked why the proprietor had not 
 defended his property. “ He did not 
 possess the means to do so,” was the re- 
 ply. “Not the means of defence!” ex- 
 claimed the Prince; “and he a brewer— a 
 man who has been all his life at cart and 
 tierce !” 
 
 Sheridan having told him that Fox 
 had cooed in vain to Miss Pulteney, the 
 Prince replied, “ that his friend’s attempt on 
 the lady’s heart was a coup manque .” 
 
 He once quoted, from Suetonius, the words 
 “ Jure caesus videtur,” to prove, jestingly, 
 that trial by jury was as old as the time of 
 the first Caesar. 
 
 A newspaper panegyric on Fox, appa- 
 rently from the pen of Doctor Parr, having 
 been presented to his Royal Highness, 
 he said that it reminded him of Machiavel’s 
 epitaph, “Tanto nomini nullum Par eulo- 
 gium.” 
 
 A cavalry officer, at a court ball, ham- 
 mered the floor with bis heels so very 
 loudly, that the Prince observed, “ If the 
 war between the mother country and her co- 
 lonies had not terminated, he might have 
 been sent to America as a republication of 
 the stamp act.” 
 
 While the Prince’s regiment was in daily 
 expectation of receiving orders for Ireland, 
 some one told him that country quarters in 
 the sister kingdom were so filthy, that the 
 rich uniforms of his corps would soon be la- 
 mentably soiled. “ Let the men act as dra- 
 goons, then,” said his Royal Highness, “ and 
 scour the country.'” 
 
 When Horne Tooke, on being com- 
 mitted to prison for treason, proposed, 
 while, in jail, to give a series of din- 
 ners to his friends, the Prince remarked 
 that, “ As an inmate of Newgate, he would 
 act more consistently by establishing a Ketch 
 club.” 
 
 Michael Kelly having turned wine-mer- 
 chant, the Prince rather facetiously said, 
 “ that Mick imported his music, and com- 
 posed his wane !” 
 
 DONCASTER RACES. 
 
 On more accounts than one, our turf pro- 
 ceedings must make foreigners marvel. 
 Some years since, a French gentleman visited 
 Doncaster, and gave to it the appellation of 
 “ the guinea meeting ” — nothing without the 
 guinea. “ There was (said he) the guinea 
 for entering the rooms to hear the people bet. 
 There was the guinea for my dinner at the 
 hotel. There was the guinea for the stand 
 for myself ; and (Oh ! execrable !) the guinea 
 for the stand for my carriage. There was the 
 guinea for my servant’s bed, and (Ah ! mon 
 Dieu!) ten guineas for mv own, for only two 
 sights !” 
 
 SWELLED ANKLES A1 A DISCOUNT. 
 
 In the year 1699, when King William re- 
 turned from Holland in a state of severe in- 
 disposition, he sent for Doctor Radcliffe, and 
 showing him his swollen ankles, while the 
 rest of his body was emaciated, said, “ What 
 think you of these?” “ Why, truly,” replied 
 the doctor, “ I would not have your Majesty’s 
 two legs for your three kingdoms.” This 
 freedom was never forgiven by the King, and 
 no intercession could ever recover his favour 
 towards Radcliffe. 
 
 Talleyrand’s versatility. 
 
 A noble French exile, then in America, 
 was one day passing a little shop in Phila - 
 delphia, when, observing a man with his 
 shirt-sleeves rolled up his arms, grinding 
 coffee, whose resemblance to the ex-Bishop 
 of Autun was very striking, the former 
 entered the pigmy shop, where he found 
 the veritable Simon Pure keeping a small 
 grocer’s shop, and making a living in that 
 way. “ I pity, indeed, I pity you,” said the 
 Duke de R. “ I pity you,” replied Talleyrand, 
 “ that your soul should be reduced, or not to 
 be superior, to such a state of feeling. For 
 my part, I have long since brought my feel- 
 ings and mind into such tranquillity of 
 thought and action, that I can turn a coffee- 
 mill or an empire with 'equal composure.” 
 
 COLLINS AND THE CRITIC. 
 
 Collins the painter’s favourite method of 
 procuring for himself the doubtful satisfac- 
 tion of impartial criticism, was to join the 
 groups of visitors to the Exhibition, who 
 were looking at his pictures, and to listen to 
 their remarks. This rather perilous pastime 
 he indulged in for many years, with tolerable 
 impunity ; but he was fated, at last, to suffer 
 for his boldness. Having observed two gen- 
 tlemen at the Exhibition displaying those 
 decided symptoms of critical power over art, 
 which consist in shrugging the shoulders, 
 waving the hand, throwing back the head, 
 and marking the catalogue, before all the 
 principal pictures, he was tempted to listen 
 to their remarks, when they arrived opposite 
 to one of his own works. “What’s this?” 
 cried the great man of the two, severely — 
 “ Sea-piece, by Collins? Oh, pooh, pooh! 
 
 D d tea-boardy thing.” The painter had 
 
 not enough of the Roman in him to hear 
 more. The incident so effectually cured him 
 for some time of his predilection for sincere 
 criticism, that when, shortly afterwards, he 
 happened to be sitting next to Sir Henry 
 Halford, at dinner, and was asked by that 
 gentleman (who did not then know him per- 
 sonally) what be thought of “ Collins’s pic- 
 tures?” he replied, with unwonted caution, 
 “ I think I am rather too much interested on 
 that subject to give an opinion — I painted 
 them myself.” “Oh, you need not have 
 feared my criticism,” returned Sir Henry, 
 laughing, “I was about to tell you how 
 much I have been delighted by their ex- 
 treme beauty !” 
 
 L 
 
146 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 COST OF A PICTURE. 
 
 It is said that Marshal Soult, on being 
 asked one day how much his best picture had 
 cost, replied, “ One monk.” The meaning of 
 this was, that the picture was given in ex- 
 change for an unfortunate monk who had 
 oeen taken prisoner during Soult’s campaign 
 m Spain, and condemned to death. 
 
 HONEST LAWYER. 
 
 Stephen Pasquier, who flourished in the 
 reign of Louis XIII., was a lawyer no less 
 celebrated for his honesty than for the sin- 
 gularity of his religious opinions. A print of 
 him was published, representing him with- 
 out hands; the meaning of which is ex- 
 plained by the following epigram : — “ How ! 
 Pasquier without bands ?” “ Yes, ye griping 
 lawyers, to indicate how strictly I abstained, 
 as the law enjoins, from fleecing my clients. 
 Would to God ye could be shamed out of 
 your rapacity.” 
 
 THE PROUD DUKE OF SOMERSET. 
 
 This inordinately arrogant nobleman 
 seemed little less in his conduct than if vested 
 with regal honours. His servants obeyed by 
 signs. The country roads were cleared, that 
 lie might pass without obstruction or obser- 
 vation. His second Duchess was Charlotte, 
 daughter of Daniel Earl of Winchelsea and 
 Nottingham. He made a vast distinction 
 between a Percy and a Finch. The Duchess 
 once familiarly tapped him on the shoulder 
 with her fan ; he turned round, and, with an 
 indignant, sour countenance, said, “ My first 
 Duchess was a Percy, and she never dared to 
 take such a liberty.” His children obeyed his 
 mandates with profound respect. The two 
 youngest daughters had used to stand alter- 
 nately, whilst he slept of an afternoon ; Lady 
 Charlotte, being tired, sat down ; the Duke 
 awoke, and being displeased, declared he 
 would make her remember her want of deco- 
 rum. By his will, he left her £20,000 less than 
 Mer sister. The pleasant Sir James Delaval 
 laid a wager of £1000 that he would make 
 the Duke give him precedency ; but that was 
 judged impossible, as his Grace was all eyes 
 and ears on such an occasion. Delaval, how- 
 ever, having one day obtained information 
 of the precise time when the Duke was to pass 
 a narrow part of the road on his way 
 to town, stationed himself there in a coach, 
 emblazoned for the day with the arms, and 
 surrounded by many servants in livery of 
 the head of the house of Howard, who 
 ‘Called out when Somerset appeared, “The 
 Duke of Norfolk!” The former, fearful of 
 committing a breach of etiquette, hurried his 
 postilion under a hedge, where he was no 
 sooner safely fixed, than Delaval passed, who, 
 leaning out of the carriage, bowed with a 
 familiar air„ and wished his Grace a good 
 morning. lie indignantly exclaimed, “Is it 
 you, Sir James? I thought it had been the 
 Duke of Norfolk!” The wager, thus fairly 
 won, was paid, and the town made merry 
 with the stratagem to gain it. 
 
 THE TRAVELLER NONPLU3ED. 
 
 Captain Basil Hall, whose written stories 
 have charmed all who have read them, was 
 one day endeavouring to enliven a remark- 
 ably stiff and dull dinner-party, by a few 
 oral relations of the same kind. He con- 
 cluded one of a" very extraordinary charac- 
 ter, by saying, “ Did you ever hear any 
 story so wonderful as that?” and at the same 
 moment his eye chanced to rest on a foot- 
 boy opposite to him, who, without leaving 
 a moment of interval, exclaimed, “ Yes, man, 
 there’s a lass i’ our kitchen, that kens a lass 
 that has twa thorns !” 
 
 THE MURDERER DISCOVERED. 
 
 Sir John Purcell, who, some forty years 
 ago, lived at Highfort, in the East Riding of 
 Yorkshire, was an extraordinary man. On 
 one occasion, a desperate murder, in the depth 
 of winter, was committed in his neighbour- 
 hood. He took an active part in searching for 
 the criminal. One person he strongly sus- 
 pected, and he visited him at his house. He 
 found the man in bed, ill with the cholic, it 
 was said. Sir John examined him, and asked 
 him whether he had been out on the pre- 
 vious night ? The answer was, “ No.” Sir 
 John asked for his shoes. “ They were gone 
 to be mended.” “ Are you sure of that ?” said 
 Sir John, who searched for and found them. 
 Causing the man to be watched, Sir John 
 went with the shoes to the exact spot where 
 the murder had been committed. The ground 
 was thickly covered with snow; he com- 
 pared the shoes with the tracks made in the 
 snow, and found one set of foot-prints to 
 which the marks exactly tallied. A nail was 
 wanting in the heel of one of the shoes, and 
 the impression corresponded with the defi- 
 ciency. This was the first link in a chain 
 of circumstantial evidence against the sus- 
 pected party, who was afterwards hanged, 
 having been convicted upon the clearest tes- 
 timony. 
 
 A TRUE BILL. 
 
 The following is a veritable copy of a 
 “bill” passed, not long since, at a village 
 in Essex, to a gentleman who had left his 
 horse at one of the inns, with directions that 
 it should be baited for the night, and brought 
 home the next morning. The man who 
 brought the animal brought also the account 
 in question with him. 
 
 s. d. 
 
 To anos 4 6 
 
 To agitinonimom 0 6 
 
 5 0 
 
 For such of our readers as are not used to 
 decipher hieroglyphics, we give the transla- 
 tion : — 
 
 L s. d. 
 
 To an horse 4 6 
 
 To a gittin’ on him home ...0 6 
 
 5 0 
 
 Surely it is a fine familiar episode of 
 equestrian literature. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 147 
 
 COLMAN AND HOOK. 
 
 George Col-man being once asked if be 
 knew Theodore Hook? “Oh yes,” was his re- 
 ply, “ Hook and I (eye) are old associates.” 
 
 A CLINCHER. 
 
 An American paper says', this is the 
 method of catching tigers in India: — “A 
 man carries a board, on which a human 
 figure is painted. As soon as he arrives at 
 the den, he knocks behind the board with a 
 hannnei ; the noise rouses the tigei, when he 
 flies in a direct line at the board and grasps 
 it, and the man behind clinches his claws in 
 the wood, and so secures him.” 
 
 CHARLES KEMBLE. 
 
 The theatrical career of Mr. Chas. Kemble 
 presents a remarkable instance of intense 
 study and application contributing to form a 
 first-rate actor; and of this pains-taking 
 Miss Fanny Kemble, in her work on the 
 United States, records an example in the 
 perseverance with which Mr. Kemble studied 
 the character of Hamlet, and thus made his 
 enactment of it a finished performance. Yet, 
 in early life, Mr. Kemble was a notoriously 
 bad actor. A writer in the New Monthly 
 Magazine records: — “In the year 1791, 
 Charles Kemble made his first appearance, as 
 Malcolm (in ‘ Macbeth’), and the audience 
 laughed very heartily when he exclaimed, 
 i Oh ! by whom ? ’ on hearing the account of 
 his father’s murder. Charles Kemble was 
 then said to be eighteen. I think he was no 
 more.” 
 
 A HIGHLAND HUSBAND. 
 
 Donald Macalpine rose from the ranks to 
 be a sergeant in the Paisley Police or Seestu 
 City Guard, and no epauletted official in his 
 Majesty’s service strutted the pave with 
 more consequence than did Donald in his 
 blue coat with crimson collar. He was a very 
 careful person, and contrived, one way or 
 other, to become possessed of a tolerably 
 well-furnished house and a cow, the crowning 
 point of his ambition; for Donald could 
 never stomach the l lue water milk supplied 
 by the dairyists under his surveillance. Mrs. 
 Macalpine was a very infirm personage, and 
 had, for many years preceding her decease, 
 been confined to bed. None of the family 
 survived her. This event was the beginning 
 of a climax of misfortunes to the poor ser- 
 geant. His house was soon after burned to 
 the ground ; and scarcely had his spirits 
 mastered this calamity, when what he set 
 his heart most on, his poor cow, fell a victim 
 to inflammation. The latter event nearly 
 paralysed the conservator of the peace. A 
 friend called on Donald to sympathise with 
 him in his bereavement and losses ; but Do- 
 nald refused to be comforted. “ Ou yes,” re- 
 plied he, io the various arguments employed 
 by his friend to induce submission to what 
 had been allotted him, “ I’ll got plenty o’ 
 house to stay in, and plenty o’ wife too, if I’ll 
 soeht her ; that’s all very well — but who will 
 gie me eight pounds to buy another cow ? ” 
 
 ROSSINI AND BISHOP. 
 
 Rossini meeting Mr. Bishop in Paris or 
 London (we forget which), and having known 
 him before, but upon this occasion, after se- 
 veral ineffectual attempts, failing to pro- 
 nounce his name — “Ah! Monsieur — Mon- 
 sieur” assured him of his recognition 
 
 by singing the first strain of Bishop’s beau- 
 tiful round, “ When the wind blows.” 
 
 ASTRONOMY. 
 
 A relative of one of the most distinguished 
 astronomers of his time was one day asked 
 by a lady (herself no pretender to the sublime 
 
 science), if Sir had made any recent 
 
 discoveries of importance. “ Why, no,” was 
 the answer; “and, indeed, he has rummagea 
 the heavens so thoroughly, that 1 don’t fancy 
 there is much left for anybody to find out.” 
 
 Collins’s “ skittle -player.” 
 
 This picture has been called, in reference 
 to the attitude of the principal figure, and 
 the advance in excellence that it displayed, 
 “ Collins’s stride .” The most amusing criti- 
 cism on its merits proceeded from Mr. Collins’s 
 gardener, who, as a great skittle-player, was 
 called in to test the correctness of the picture 
 as to its main subject. “Well!” cried the 
 gardener, with genuine delight, “ This is as 
 downright a tough game as ever I see !” — 
 Collins’s Life , by his Son. 
 
 A MISTAKE. 
 
 In consequence of some transposition, by 
 which an announcement of the decease of a 
 country clergyman had got inserted amongst 
 the announcements of the marriages in a 
 newspaper a short time since, the announce- 
 ment read thus: “Married the Rev. , 
 
 curate of , to the great regret of all his 
 
 parishioners, by whom he was universally 
 beloved. The poor will long have cause to 
 lament the unhappy event.” 
 
 LORD BYRON. 
 
 In a conversation with Sir W. Knighton, 
 Collins the painter heard from him the fol- 
 lowing anecdotes of Lord Byron. He at- 
 tended his Lordship, medically, for nine 
 months, while he was writing the “ Corsair,” 
 and other poems. During all his visits he 
 never heard him use an offensive word, 
 either on religion or on any other subject. 
 Lord Byron told him (Sir W. Knighton) 
 that he once drank seventy pints of brandy, 
 with Douglas Kinnaird, in as many days, to 
 enable him to undergo the fatigue of writing. 
 When the separation took place between 
 Lord Byron and his wife,, he allowed Sir 
 William (who told him everybody was talk- 
 ing against him as regarded the subject, and 
 that he wished for something to say in his 
 defence) to state, that whatever offence he 
 gave Lady Byron was in the way of omission 
 rather than commission — that he never al- 
 lowed himself to scold her — and only once 
 showed temper in her presence, when he 
 threw his watch into the fire. 
 
148 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 delille’s only pun. 
 
 The Abbe Delille is said to have made only 
 one pun. On hearing some ladies complain 
 of hunger, after a long morning in the 
 Champs de Mars, he advised them to apply 
 to the Fee des rations (Federation). 
 
 LONG PAUSE. 
 
 Mossop, the actor, was so perfect a distiller 
 of syllables, and made such intolerably long 
 pauses, that in the speech of Zanga , in the 
 “Revenge,” to Alonzo, “Know thou, ’twas 
 
 I ” the critic might, at the first word of 
 
 the speech, have left the theatre, called a 
 coach, and returned to his box, and still have 
 been in time to have discovered that Zanga 
 “ did it.” 
 
 SPOILING A STORY. 
 
 Louis XIV., in a gay party at Versailles, 
 commenced relating a facetious story, but 
 concluded the tale abruptly and insipidly. 
 On one of the company leaving the room, 
 the King said, “ I am sure you must have 
 observed how very uninteresting my anec- 
 dote was. I did not recollect till 1 began 
 that the turn of the narrative reflected very 
 severely on the immediate ancestor of the 
 Prince of Armagnac, who has just quitted 
 us ; and on this, as on every other occasion, 
 I think it far better to spoil a good story 
 than distress a worthy man.” 
 
 LEGAL WIT. 
 
 Jekyll calling, one day, upon George Col- 
 man the younger, in the Temple, glancing 
 over the articles of the establishment, .ob- 
 served a piece of frivolity Colman had brought 
 with him, and which must have ap- 
 peared to him, as he was then practising at 
 the bar, a great interruption to the study of 
 “ Coke upon Lyttleton.” This was a round 
 cage with a squirrel in it. He looked for a 
 minute or two at the little animal, which was 
 performing the same operation as a man on 
 the treadmill, or a donkey in the wheel, and 
 then quietly said, “Ah, poor devil ! he is go- 
 ing the home circuit ! ” If locality can make 
 a good thing better, this technical joke was 
 particularly happy from being uttered in the 
 Temple. 
 
 “nice to a shaving.” 
 
 When Louis VII. of France, to obey the 
 injunctions of his Bishops, cropped his hair 
 and shaved his beard, Eleanor, his consort, 
 found him, with this unusual appearance, very 
 ridiculous, and soon very contemptible. She 
 revenged herself as she thought proper, and 
 the poor shaved King obtained a divorce. 
 She then married the Count of Anjou, after- 
 wards our Henry II. She had for her mar- 
 riage dower the* rich provinces of Poitou and 
 Guyenne ; and this was the origin of those 
 wars which for three hundred years ravaged 
 France, and cost the French three millions 
 of men: ail which, probably, had never 
 occurred, had Louis VII. not been so rash as 
 to crop his head and shave his beard, by 
 which he became so disgustful in the eyes of 
 our Queen Eleanor. 
 
 AGED DANCERS. 
 
 Serjeant Hoskyns, the owner of Ingeston- 
 House, Herefordshire, entertained James I. 
 with a morrice-dance, performed by ten per- 
 sons, whose united ages exceeded 1000 years, 
 all natives of Herefordshire. 
 
 NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE. 
 
 Mirabeau’s haste of temper was known, 
 and he must be obeyed. “Monsieur Comte,” 
 said his secretary to him one day, “ the thing 
 you require is impossible.” “ Impossibly!” 
 exclaimed Mirabeau, starting from his chair, 
 “ never again use that foolish word in my 
 presence.” 
 
 THE WIT OUTWITTED. 
 
 On the top of a small but conspicuous hill 
 near to Hoddon Castle, on the banks of the 
 river Annan, is a square tower, built of hewn 
 stone, over the door of which are carved the 
 figures of a dove and serpent, and between 
 them the word “ Repentance.” Hence the 
 building, though its proper name is Trailtrow, 
 is more frequently called the Tower of Repent- 
 ance. It is said that Sir Richard Steele, 
 while riding near this place, saw a shepherd 
 boy reading his Bible, and asked him what 
 he learned from it ? “ The way to heaven,” 
 answered the bov. “And can you show it to 
 me,” said Sir Richard, in banter. “ You 
 must go by that tower,” replied the shep- 
 herd; and he pointed to the tower of Re- 
 pentance. 
 
 rousseau’s troubles. 
 
 Rousseau appears to have been one of the 
 unhappiest, as well as the most unamiable 
 of men. He imagined himself the perse- 
 cuted of all persecutors, and sought an 
 asylum in England from his supposed ene- 
 mies. In April, 1766, having just settled in 
 Derbyshire, he wrote, “ Here I have just ar- 
 rived at last at an agreeable and sequestered 
 asylum, where I hope to breathe freely and 
 at peace.” He lived chiefly at Wootton Hall, 
 and delighted to pass his leisure in the ro- 
 mantic Dove Dale. He did not, however, 
 long remain “ at peace,” for in April follow- 
 ing he returned to the Continent, heaping 
 reproaches on his best friends. The rent of 
 the house in which he lived had been greatly 
 reduced, to allure him into the country. His 
 spirit revolted at this ; and as soon as he heard 
 of it he indignantly left the place. Whilst 
 at Wootton Hall, he received a present of 
 some bottles of choice foreign wine : this was 
 a gift, and his pride would not permit him to 
 taste it ; he therefore left it in the house, un- 
 touched, for the next comer. For some rea- 
 son or other, or more probably for none, he 
 had determined not to see Dr. Darwin. The 
 Doctor, aware of his objections, placed him- 
 self on a terrace, which Rousseau had to pass, 
 and was examining a plant. “Rousseau,” 
 said he, “ are you a botanist ? ” They en- 
 tered into conversation, and were intimate at 
 once ; but Rousseau, on reflection, imagined 
 that this meeting was the result of con- 
 trivance, and the intimacy proceeded no 
 further. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 149 
 
 MRS. HOWE AND HER ABSENT HUSBAND. 
 
 About the year 1706, I knew '(said Dr. 
 King) one Mr. Howe, a sensible well-natured 
 man, possessed of an estate of £700 or £800 
 per annum : he married a young lady of good 
 famil y in the West of England ; her maiden 
 name" was Mallet, she was agreeable in her 
 person and manners, and proved a very good 
 wife. Seven or eight years after they had 
 been married, he rose one morning very early, 
 and told his wife he was obliged to go to the 
 Tower to transact some particular business ; 
 the same day at noon his wife received a note 
 from him, in which he informed her that he 
 was under the necessity of going to Holland, 
 and should probably be absent three weeks 
 or a month. He was absent from her seven- 
 teen years, during which time she never 
 heard from him or of him. The evening 
 before he returned, while she was at supper, 
 with some of her friends and relations, 
 particularly one Dr. Rose, a physician, who 
 had married her sister, a billet, without any 
 name subscribed, was delivered to her, in 
 which the writer requested the favour of her 
 to give him a meeting the next evening in 
 the Birdcage- walk, in St. James’s Park. 
 When she had read the billet she tossed it to 
 Dr. Rose, and, laughing, said, “You see, 
 brother, old as I am, 1 have a gallant.” Rose, 
 who perused the note with more attention, 
 declared it to be Mr. Howe’s handwriting: 
 this surprised all the company, and so much 
 affected Mrs. Howe, that she fainted away. 
 However, she soon recovered, when it was 
 agreed that Dr. Rose and his wife, with the 
 other gentlemen and ladies who were then at 
 supper, should attend Mrs. Howe the next 
 evening to the Birdcage-walk. They had 
 not been there more than five or six minutes, 
 when Mr. Howe came to them, and, after 
 saluting his friends and embracing his wife, 
 walked home with her, and they lived 
 together in great harmony from that day to 
 the time of his death. But the most curious 
 part of my tale remains to be related. When 
 Howe left his wife, they lived in the house in 
 Jermyn- street, near St. James’s Church: he 
 went no further than to a little street in 
 Westminster, where he took a room, for 
 which he paid five or six shillings a week, 
 and changing his name, and disguising him- 
 self by wearing a black wig (for he was a 
 fair man), he remained in this habitation 
 during the whole time of his absence ! He 
 had two children by his wife when he de- 
 parted from her, who were both living at 
 that time; but they died young in a few 
 years after. However, during their lives, 
 the second or third year after their father 
 disappeared, Mrs. Howe was obliged to apply 
 for an Act of Parliament, to procure a proper 
 settlement of her husband’s estate, and a pro- 
 vision for herself out of it during his absence, 
 as it was uncertain whether he was alive or 
 dead. The act he suffered to be solicited and 
 passed, and enjoyed the pleasure of reading 
 the progress of it in the votes, in a little 
 coffee-house near his lodging, which he fre- 
 
 quented. Upon his quitting his house and 
 family in the manner I have mentioned, Mrs. 
 Howe at first imagined, as she could not con- 
 ceive any other cause for such an abrupt 
 elopement, that he had contracted a large 
 debt unknown to her, and by that means 
 involved himself in difficulties which he 
 could not easily surmount ; and for some days 
 she lived in continual apprehension of de- 
 mands from creditors, of seizures, executions, 
 &c. Mrs. Howe, after the death of her 
 children, thought proper to lessen her family 
 of servants and the expenses of her house- 
 keeping, and therefore removed from her 
 house in Jermyn-street, to a small house in 
 Brewer- street, Golden- square. Just over 
 against her lived one Salt, a corn-chandler. 
 About ten years after Howe’s abdication, he 
 contrived to make an acquaintance with Salt, 
 and was at length in such a degree of inti- 
 macy with him that he usually dined with 
 him twice a week. From the room in which 
 they ate, it was not difficult to look into Mrs. 
 Howe’s dining-room, where she generally 
 sat and received her company ; and Salt, who 
 believed Howe to be a bachelor, frequently 
 recommended his own wife to him as a suit- 
 able match. During the last seven years of 
 this gentleman’s absence, he went every 
 Sunday to St. James’s Church, and used to 
 sit in Mr. Salt’s seat, where he had a view of 
 his wife, but could not easily be seen by her. 
 After he returned home he would never con- 
 fess, even to his most intimate friends, what 
 was the real cause of such singular conduct 
 — apparently there was none ; but whatever 
 it was, he was certainly ashamed to own it. 
 
 turpin’s sang froid. 
 
 On May 22, 1737, the noted highwayman, 
 Richard Turpin, the butcher, who had lately 
 killed a man who endeavoured to take him 
 in Epping Forest, robbed several persons in 
 their coaches and chaises at Holloway and in 
 the back lanes of Islington. One of the gent- 
 lemen so stopped signified to him that he 
 had reigned a long time: Turpin replied, 
 “ ’Tis no matter for that, I am not afraid of 
 being taken by you; therefore, don’t stand 
 hesitating, but give me the cole.” 
 
 KENNEY THE DRAMATIST. 
 
 A gentleman remonstrating -with Mr. 
 Kenney against his bringing out his comedy 
 of “Match-breaking,” said “Allow me to 
 make a few animadversions upon it.” “ Ex- 
 cuse me, sir,” said Mr. Kenney, “I do not 
 wish for any mad versions of my comedy.” 
 
 ODD COMPARISON. 
 
 Some persons have a peculiar talent in 
 discovering resemblances where others can 
 perceive none. A gentleman of this descrip- 
 tion having borrowed Harris’s “ Hermes” (a 
 learned treatise on universal grammar) of a 
 friend, on returning it to him, observed, “ he 
 liked it very well, but thought it was too 
 much in the queer, rigmarole style of ‘ Tris- 
 tram Shandy!’” 
 
150 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 HAPPY HIT. 
 
 Charles II. playing at tennis with a dig- 
 nified prebend, who had struck the ball well, 
 he exclaimed, “ That’s a good stroke for a 
 Dean.” “ I’ll give it the stroke of a bishop,” 
 said the Dean, “ if your Majesty pleases.” 
 
 NOBLE SPORT. 
 
 At the commencement of the sporting 
 season, in 1821, the following important in- 
 formation was exhibited at Lord Camden’s 
 seat, the Hermitage, near Sevenoaks : — 
 “This is to give notice, that Lord Camden 
 does not mean to shoot himself or any of his 
 tenants till the 14th of September.” 
 
 GOLDSMITH AT ISLINGTON. 
 
 Dr. Oliver Goldsmith had apartments for 
 some time in Canonbury House, where he is 
 supposed to have written some of his works. 
 With a view to health, and perhaps to be 
 near Newbery, the bookseller, for whom his 
 pen was at that time chiefly employed, and 
 who resided at Canonbury House, Goldsmith 
 removed to that neighbourhood to board and 
 lodge, in the house of a Mrs. Elizabeth Fle- 
 ming, at the close of the year 1762, probably 
 about Christmas. The sum stipulated for 
 this accommodation was fifty pounds a year, 
 at that period equal to twice the amount 
 now, which the publisher, as cash-bearer to 
 the poet, paid quarterly, taking credit for 
 such payments in the settlement of their ac- 
 counts. The lady 7 whose inmate he became 
 is represented in a picture, which appeared 
 in the winter exhibition of the works of de- 
 ceased artists of Britain, in 1832. It was 
 named “ Goldsmith’s hostess,” and is said to 
 have been painted by Hogarth. At Isling- 
 ton the bard continued a resident till to- 
 wards the end of 1764, for it appears that he 
 was still living there in September of that 
 year. Whether his removal thence was oc- 
 casioned by his arrest, or threatened arrest, 
 which took place about February or March, 
 1764, by the landlady, or whether this event 
 occurred whilst he was in temporary lodg- 
 ings in London, is doubtful; probably the 
 latter; for it is not likely that having been 
 an inmate so long, and with Newbery as re- 
 sponsible paymaster, Mrs. Fleming would 
 have had recourse to such an expedient. 
 (See Prior’s “Life of Goldsmith.”) Gold- 
 smith is remarkable for the frequent men- 
 tion made of Islington in his writings ; and to 
 this village, where he spent much of his time, 
 he was very partial. It was occasionally his 
 custom to enjoy what he termed a shoe- 
 maker's holiday, which was a day of great 
 festivity with the poet. Three or four of his 
 intimate friends rendezvoused at his cham- 
 bers to breakfast, about ten in the morning ; 
 at eleven they proceeded, by the City-road 
 and through the fields, to Highbury Barn to 
 dinner ; about six o’clock in the evening they 
 adjourned to White Conduit House to drink 
 iea; and concluded the evening by supping 
 at the Grecian or Temple Exchange Coffee- 
 houses, or at the Globe in Fleet-street. 
 
 POETIC WILL. 
 
 Mr. W. Jackett, an eccentric character, 
 who died July 3, 1789, in North-place, Li- 
 verpool- road, and was for thirty 7 years clerk 
 to Messrs. Fuller and Yaughan, bankers, St. 
 Swithin’s-alley, Cornhill, made the following 
 curious will, which is preserved in Doctors’ 
 Commons : — 
 
 “ I leave and bequeath, 
 
 When I’m laid underneath, 
 
 To my two loving sisters most dear, 
 
 The whole of my store, 
 
 Were it twice as much more, 
 
 Which God’s goodness has granted me here ; 
 And that none may prevent 
 This my will and intent, 
 
 Or occasion the least of law rackett, 
 
 With a solemn appeal, 
 
 I confirm, sign, and seal, 
 
 This the true act and deed of Will 
 Jackett.” 
 
 ECCENTRIC BENEVOLENCE. 
 
 Edward, sixth Lord Digby, v T ho suc- 
 ceeded to the peerage in 1752, was a man of 
 active benevolence. At Christmas and 
 Easter, he was observed by his friends to be 
 more than usually 7 grave, and then always to 
 have on an old shabby blue coat. Mr. Fox, 
 his uncle, who had great curiosity, wished 
 much to find out his nephew’s motive for ap- 
 pearing at times in this manner, as in gene- 
 ral he was esteemed more than a well-dressed 
 man. On his expressing an inclination for 
 this purpose, Major Yaughan and another 
 gentleman undertook to watch his Lordship’s 
 motions. They acordingly set out ; and ob- 
 serving him to go to St. George’s-fields, they 
 followed him at a distance, till they lost sight 
 of> him near the Marshalsea Prison. Wonder- 
 ing what could carry a person of his Lord- 
 ship’s rank and fortune to such a place, they 
 inquired of the turnkey if a gentleman 
 (describing Lord Digby) had not just entered 
 the prison ? 
 
 “ Yes, masters,” exclaimed the fellow, with 
 an oath ; “ but he is not a man, he is an 
 angel ; for he comes here twice a year, some- 
 times oftener, and sets a number of prisoners 
 free. And he not only does this, but he 
 gives them sufficient to support themselves 
 and their families till they can find employ- 
 ment. This,” continued the man, “ is one of 
 his extraordinary visits. He has but a few 
 to take out to-day.” 
 
 “Do you know who the gentleman is?” 
 inquired the Major. 
 
 “ We none of us know him by any other 
 marks,” replied the man, “ but by his huma- 
 nity and his blue coat.” 
 
 the next time his Lordship had on bis 
 almsgiving coat, a friend asked him what 
 occasioned his -wearing that singular dress. 
 The reply was, by Lord Digby taking the 
 gentleman shortly after to the George Inn, 
 in the Borough, where seated at dinner were 
 thirty individuals, whom his Lordship had 
 just released from the Marshalsea Prison, by 
 paying their debts in full. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 151 
 
 THE MIRACLE. 
 
 A young student showing the Museum at 
 Oxford to a party, produced a rusty sword, 
 which he assured them was the identical 
 sword with which Balaam was about to kill 
 his ass. One of the company observed, that 
 he thought Balaam had no sword, but only 
 wished for one. “You are right,” said the 
 student, “and this is the very sword he 
 wished for ! ” 
 
 IRISH DUELLING. 
 
 Towards the end of Queen Anne’s reign, 
 a duel sprang up in Dublin between a Major 
 Pack and Mr. Mathew, of Thomastown, in 
 Tipperary ; the seconds being Captain Creed 
 and Mr. Macnamara. The parties met at a 
 tavern. Being shown into the room where 
 the two officers were, after securing the door, 
 Mathew and Pack drew their swords ; but 
 Macnamara stopped them, saying he had 
 something to propose before they proceeded 
 to action. He said that, in cases of this na- 
 ture, he never could ‘bear to be a cool spec- 
 tator. “ So, sir,” continued he, addressing 
 himself to Creed, “If you please, I shall have 
 the honour of entertaining you in the same 
 manner.” Creed made no other reply than 
 that of immediately drawing his sword. The 
 conflict was of some duration, and main- 
 tained with great obstinacy by the two 
 officers, notwithstanding the great effusion of 
 blood from the many wounds which they had 
 received. At length, quite exhausted, they 
 both fell, 2nd yielded the victory to the su- 
 perior skill of their antagonists. Upon this 
 occasion, Mr. Mathew gave agremarkable proof 
 of the perfect composure of his mind. Creed 
 had fallen first, on which Pack exclaimed, 
 “ Ah, poor Creed ! are you gone? ” “ Yes,” 
 replied Mathew, with the utmost calmness, 
 “and you shall instantly pack after him,” at 
 the same time making a home thrust quite 
 through his body, which threw him to the 
 ground. This was the more remarkable, as 
 he was never known in his life, either before 
 or after, to have aimed at a pun. The num- 
 ber of wounds received by the vanquished 
 parties was very great ; and what seemed 
 most miraculous, their opponents were un- 
 touched. The surgeons, seeing the desperate 
 state of their patients, would not suffer them 
 to be removed out of the room where they 
 fought, but had beds immediately conveyed 
 to it, on which they lay many hours in a 
 state of insensibility. When they came to 
 themselves, and saw where they were, Pack, 
 in a feeble voice, said to his companion — 
 “ Creed, I think we are the conquerors, for 
 we have kept the field of battle.” For a 
 long time their lives were despaired of, but 
 to the astonishment of every one they both 
 recovered. When they were able to see 
 company, Mathew and his friend attended 
 them daily, and a close intimacy after- 
 wards ensued, as they found them men of 
 probity, and of the best disposition, being 
 now perfectly cured of their extravagant 
 idea of duelling. 
 
 adam’s apple. 
 
 “ Why did Adam bite the apple ? ” asked 
 a country schoolmaster of one of his scho- 
 lars. “ Because he had no knife,” said the 
 boy. 
 
 FOOTE’S QUARREL WITH THE DUCHESS OF 
 KINGSTON. 
 
 The acrimony of each party in this affair 
 was raised so high, that Mr. Foote at length 
 threatened to have a Grub-street half-sheet 
 cried about the streets, which ran in the fol- 
 lowing terms, and probably occasioned a ces- 
 sation of hostilities. The general authen- 
 ticity of it was testified by many persons who 
 heard Mr. Foote repeat it, and the humour of 
 it deserves to redeem it from oblivion : — 
 
 “ A full, true, and particular account of the 
 life and surprising adventures of the notified 
 Bet Cheatley, Duchess of Knightsbridge, 
 showing as how she came up to town a poor 
 distressed girl, and how by the recommenda- 
 tion of a mighty great patriot,* to whom 
 she used to read story -books, she was taken 
 into a great house in Lister-square, out of 
 compassion and charity, and how she was 
 ruinated by Wolly, a Scotch boy, who took 
 her into a strange land, and then forsak’d 
 her ; how Billy the Boatswain fail’d in love 
 with her, married her, and left her under the 
 care of a surgeon and poticary. And how 
 Bet afterwards took to company keeping, 
 wearing fine clothes, and told hereomrogues 
 she had them from her mother, a poor, 
 distressed widow woman in the country. 
 And how she met with the great squire 
 Peper-pint, a mighty rich and great gentle- 
 man; and how she spread her net, an'd the 
 squire fell into her snare ; and how she gave 
 Billy the Boatswain twenty guineas to deny 
 his marriage, and then persuaded squire 
 Peper-pint to wed her, make a will, and 
 wrong all his kindred, by which she came 
 into a mart of his money ; and how all the 
 squire’s rich relations rose up in a body, and 
 wanted Bet to give back her ill-got posses- 
 sions ; and how then Bet fled over the raging 
 seas, for fear of being nabbed, and clapped 
 up in Newgate; and how she changed her 
 religion, and took to papish ways ; and how 
 she afterwards came back again for fear of 
 being outlaivried ; and how she had a hor- 
 rible quarrel with Billy the Boatswain ; and 
 how she came to Westminster -hall, all the 
 lawyers flocked about her, in hopes of her 
 custom. The whole being a most excellent 
 warning-piece against Sabbath- breaking and 
 disobedience to our parents. 
 
 As ’twill always be found, that for such evil 
 deeds, 
 
 A certain, though it’s a slow punishment, 
 surely succeeds ; 
 
 Therefore young men and maidens take 
 warning by she, 
 
 Keep the Sabbath and obedient to your pa- 
 rents be.” 
 
 * The late Earl of Bath. 
 
152 
 
 KAIL WAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 lord Dudley's absence of mind, and 
 
 “ THINKING ALOUD.” 
 
 Of his Lordship’s extraordinary absence of 
 mind, and his unfortunate habit of “ think- 
 ing aloud,” many amusing anecdotes have 
 been in circulation. It is a fact, that when 
 he was in the Foreign Office, he directed a 
 letter intended for the French to the Russian 
 Ambassador, shortly before the affair of Na- 
 varino ; and, strange as it may appear, it at- 
 tained him the highest honour. Prince 
 Lieven, who never made any mistakes of the 
 kind, set it down as one of the cleverest ruses 
 ever attempted to be played off, and gave 
 himself immense credit for not falling into 
 the trap laid for him by the sinister inge- 
 nuity of the English Secretary. He returned 
 the letter with a most polite note, in which 
 he vowed, of course, that he had not read a 
 line of it, after he had ascertained that it was 
 intended for Prince Polignac ; he could not 
 help telling Lord Dudley, at an evening 
 party, that he was “ trop fin,” but diploma- 
 tists of his (Prince Lieven’s) standing were 
 not so easily caught. 
 
 Lord Dudley was afflicted with what may 
 not be improperly termed the disease of 
 thinking aloud — that is, of unconsciously 
 giving utterance to involuntary thoughts, 
 which other men confide to the secret deposi- 
 tory of their own breasts. An amusing 
 anecdote of this singular failing of the mind 
 is related of his Lordship : — 
 
 Lord Dudley had been invited to the house 
 of a friend, upon the occasion of some great 
 fete, but being a man of early habits, had 
 ordered his carriage at a certain hour, having 
 some miles to travel before he could obtain 
 his accustomed repose. To his great morti- 
 fication, after repeated inquiries for Lord 
 Dudley’s carriage, it had not arrived, and his 
 Lordship, as well as others, imagined that 
 Some accident must have happened to it. 
 Dne of the guests, seeing how much his 
 Lordship was disconcerted by the event, very 
 politely offered him a seat in his. The 
 gentleman in question had to pass his Lord- 
 ship’s house on his return home : and though 
 he was almost a stranger to Lord Dudley, his 
 rank and position in the country were, of 
 course, well known to him, and the civility 
 was no more than one gentleman would, un- 
 der similar circumstances, have offered to 
 another. Nevertheless, they had not been 
 seated in the carriage more than twenty 
 minutes, when the Peer — who, being tired, 
 had up to that moment maintained a most 
 perfect silence — observed, in a low, but dis- 
 tinctly audible tone of voice, “ I’m very sorry 
 I accepted his offer. I don’t know the man. 
 It was civil, certainly ; but the worst is, I 
 suppose I must ask him to dinner. It’s a 
 deuce of a bore ! ” He then relapsed into his 
 former state of taciturnity, when, after a few 
 minutes, the gentleman pretending to be af- 
 flicted with the same failing, and imitating 
 his Lordship’s tone, observed — “Perhaps 
 he’ll think I did it to make his acquaintance. 
 Why I would have done the same to any 
 
 farmer on his estate. I hope he wont think 
 it necessary to ask me to dinner. I’ll be 
 d— d if I’d accept his invitation!” Lord 
 Dudley listened to him with earnest interest, 
 immediately comprehended the joke which 
 he had himself provoked, offered his hand 
 with much hearty goodwill to his companion, 
 making every proper apology for his invo- 
 luntary rudeness, and from that night the 
 travellers became inseparable friends. 
 
 ODD EVIDENCE. 
 
 Dr. Grey, in his erudite and entertaining 
 notes on “ Hudibras,” records the deposition 
 of a lawyer, who, in an action of battery, 
 told the Judge that the defendant beat the 
 client with a certain wooden instrument 
 called an iron pestle. 
 
 THE MOTHER TONGUE. 
 
 In Mr. Combe’s “Illustrations of Phre- 
 nology,” a case is related of a Welsh milk- 
 man, in London, who, happening to fall down 
 two pair of stairs, received a severe contusion 
 on the head, and was carried to St. George’s 
 Hospital, where he lay senseless for several 
 days, and unable to speak. At length he 
 became something better, and began to talk 
 to the nurses, but in such terms that no one 
 could understand him, till it was discovered 
 that he had forgotten his English, and was 
 talking Welsh, a language he had not spoken 
 for eighteen years. Mr. Combe conceives 
 that the blow having hit the storehouse in 
 his head, where the Welsh language was 
 garnered, his youthful acquisitions were 
 poured out; whilst the English language, 
 which he had learned much later, was over- 
 powered and obliterated by the force of his 
 mother tongue. 
 
 CONGREVE ROCKETS. 
 
 When the Congreve rockets were first in- 
 troduced into the navy, the Admiral on the 
 Brazil station proposed to exhibit to the 
 King, Don Juan VI., the effect of these for- 
 midable projectiles. His Majesty consented, 
 and the whole court were accordingly as- 
 sembled in the balconies of the palace, at the 
 Rio, for the purpose of witnessing the spec- 
 tacle. By some mishap, of very frequent oc- 
 currence in the early history of these missiles, 
 at the momentof firing the tube veered round, 
 and the rocket, instead of flying oyer to Praia 
 Grande, took the opposite direction, and fell 
 and exploded in the great square, almost be- 
 neath the windows of the palace. The con- 
 sternation of the King was only equalled by 
 the mortification of the Admiral, who im- 
 mediately despatched an officer on shore to 
 explain the cause of the contretemps to his 
 Majesty, and offering to let off another; but 
 the terrified Monarch would not hear of it. 
 “ I have a great respect,” said he, “ for my 
 good allies, the English, but after dinner they 
 are absolutely fit for nothing ;” an observa- 
 tion which clearly indicated to what cause his 
 Majesty attributed the unfortunate result of 
 the exhibition. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 153 
 
 THE WESLEYS AND THE WELLESLEYS. 
 
 The Rev. John Wesley, founder of the sect 
 of the Methodists, was born on the 17th of 
 June, 1703, at Epworth, a small living in 
 Lincolnshire, of which his father, the Rev. 
 Samuel Westley or Wesley, was incumbent. 
 The father, poor in this world’s goods, was 
 amply blessed in the possession of piety, 
 sense, and learning ; and his wife, Susannah, 
 daughter of the Rev. Dr. Annesley, was re- 
 markable for the strength alike of her intel- 
 lect and her devotion. Of their children, 
 three sons grew up to manhood — Samuel, 
 John, and Charles; and of them Southey 
 gives the following interesting details : — 
 
 “Charles Wesley had been elected from 
 Westminster to Christchurch, just after his 
 brother John obtained his fellowship at Lin- 
 coln.” There, however, “his own disposi- 
 tion, his early education, and the example of 
 his parents and both his brethren,” soon led 
 Charles^ to embrace a life of more active de- 
 votion ; “ and, meeting with two or three un- 
 dergraduates, whose inclinations and princi- 
 ples resembled his own, they associated toge- 
 ther for the purpose of religious improvement, 
 lived by rule, and received the sacrament 
 weekly. They were called, in derision, ‘the 
 Sacramentarians, Bible-bigots, Bible -moths, 
 the Holy or the Godly Club.’ One person, 
 with less irreverence and more learning, ob- 
 served, in reference to their methodical man- 
 ner of life, that a new sect of Methodists was 
 sprung up, alluding to the ancient school of 
 physicians known by that name. There was 
 some fitness in the name, it obtained vogue, 
 and it has become the appropriate designa- 
 tion of the sect of which (John) Wesley is 
 the founder. 
 
 “It was to Charles Wesley and his few 
 associates that the name was first given. 
 When John returned to Oxford, they gladly 
 placed themselves under his direction ; their 
 meetings acquired more form and regularity, 
 and obtained an accession of members. 
 
 “While Charles Wesley was at Westmin- 
 ster, with his brother Samuel (who was an 
 under- master there), a gentleman of large 
 fortune in Ireland, and of the same family 
 name, wrote to the father, and inquired of 
 him if he had a son named Charles, for, if so, 
 he would make him his heir. Accordingly, 
 his school bills, during several years, were 
 discharged by his unseen namesake. At 
 length a gentleman, who is supposed to have 
 been this Mr. Wesley, called upon him, and, 
 after much conversation, asked him if he vras 
 willing to accompany him to Ireland ? The 
 youth desired to write to his father before he 
 could give answer. The father left it to his 
 own decision; and he, who was satisfied with 
 the fair prospects which Christchurch opened 
 to him, chose to stay in England. John 
 Wesley, in his account of his brother, calls 
 this a fair escape. The fact is more remark- 
 able than he was aware of ; for the person 
 who inherited the property intended for 
 Charles Wesley, and who took the name of 
 Wesley or Wellesley, in consequence, was 
 
 the first Earl of Momington, grandfather of 
 the Marquis Wellesley and the Duke of Wel- 
 lington. Had Charles made a different choice, 
 there might have been no Methodists, the 
 British Empire in India might still have 
 been menaced from Seringapatam, and the 
 undisputed tyrant of Europe might, at this 
 time, have insulted and endangered us on 
 our own shores.” 
 
 LATE MARRIAGE. 
 
 M. Talleyrand was enjoying his rubber, 
 when the conversation turned on the recent 
 union of an elderly lady of respectable rank. 
 
 “ How could Madame de S make such a 
 
 match ? a person of her birth to marry a 
 valet-de-chambre ,” said one of the players. 
 “ Ah,” replied Talleyrand, “ it was late in the 
 game ; at nine we don’t reckon honours.” 
 
 POSTSCRIPTS. 
 
 George Selwyn once affirmed in company 
 that no woman ever wrote a letter without 
 a postscript. “ My next letter shall refute 
 you?” said Lady G. Selwyn soon after 
 received a letter from her Ladyship, when, 
 after her signature, stood — “P.S. Who was 
 right now, you or I?” 
 
 CROCODILES OX THE MISSISSIPPL 
 
 It is said that at some points of this dis- 
 mal river, crocodiles are so abundant as to 
 add the terror of their attacks to the other 
 sufferings of a dwelling there. A story is 
 told of a squatter, who, having “ located ” 
 himself close to the river’s edge, proceeded to 
 build his cabin. This operation is soon per- 
 formed, for social feeling and the love of 
 whiskey bring all the scanty neighbourhood 
 round a new-comer, to aid him in cutting 
 down trees, and in rolling up the logs, till 
 the mansion is complete. This was done; 
 the wife and five young children were put in 
 possession of their new home, and slept 
 soundly after a long march. Towards day- 
 break, the husband and father was awakened 
 by a faint cry ; and, looking up, beheld the re- 
 lics of three of his children scattered over the 
 floor, and an enormous crocodile, with several 
 young ones around her, occupied in devour- 
 ing the remnants of their horrid meal. He 
 looked around for a weapoD, but finding 
 none, and aware that unarmed he could do 
 nothing, he raised himself gently on his bed, 
 and contrived to crawl from thence through 
 a window; hoping that his wife, whom he 
 left sleeping, might, with the remaining 
 children, rest undiscovered till his return. 
 He flew to his nearest neighbour, and be- 
 sought his aid ; in less than half-an-hour, two 
 men returned with him, all three well armed ; 
 but, alas ! they were too late ; the wife and 
 her two babes lay mangled on their bloody 
 bed. The gorged reptiles fell an easy prey 
 to their assailants, who, upon examining the 
 place, found the hut had been constructed 
 close to the mouth of a large hole, almost a 
 cavern, where the monster had hatched her 
 hateful brood. 
 
154 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 HALF justice. 
 
 A culprit brought before a magistrate in 
 Leicestershire, charged with a misdemeanour, 
 was thus addre.-sed by his worship : — “ I see 
 by the Act of Parliament that the offence 
 you have committed is punishable with six 
 months’ imprisonment, on conviction before 
 two magistrates. Now, you may think your- 
 self a lucky fellow ; for, if my brother ma- 
 gistrate had been here you should have had 
 the whole six months : but, as I am alone, I 
 can, of course, only send you to gaol for half 
 the time. Make out his mittimus for three 
 months.” 
 
 A LOYALIST. 
 
 The Earl of St. Albans was, like many 
 other staunch loyalists, little remembered by 
 Charles II. He was, however, an attendant 
 at court, and one of his Majesty’s compa- 
 nions in his gay hours. On one of these oc- 
 casions, a stranger came with an importunate 
 suit, for an office of great value, just vacant. 
 The King, by way of joke, desired the Earl 
 to personate him, and commanded the peti ■ 
 tioner to be admitted. The gentleman, ad- 
 dressing himself to the supposed Monarch, 
 enumerated his services to the Royal family, 
 and hoped the grant of the placeVould not 
 be deemed too great a reward. “ By no 
 means,” answered the Earl, “ and I am only 
 sorry that as soon as I heard of the vacancy, 
 
 I conferred it on my faithful friend, the Earl 
 of St. Albans,” pointing to the King, “ who 
 constantly followed the fortunes both of my 
 father and myself, and has hitherto gone un- 
 rewarded.” Charles granted, for this joke, 
 what the utmost real service would not have 
 received. 
 
 THE POET WALLEK. 
 
 It is remarkable, that Waller, the poet, to- 
 wards the decline of life, bought a small house, 
 with a little land, on his natal spot; ob- 
 serving, “ that he should be glad to die, like 
 the stag, where he was roused.” This, how- 
 ever, did not happen. “ When he was at 
 Beaconfield,” says Johnson, “he found his 
 legs grow tumid : he went to Windsor, where 
 Sir Charles Scarborough then attended the 
 King, and requested him, as both a friend 
 and physician, to tell him what that swelling 
 meant. * Sir,’ answered Scarborough, ‘your 
 blood will run no longer.’ Waller repeated 
 some lines of Yirgil, and went home to die. 
 As the disease increased upon him, he com- 
 posed himself for his departure ; and calling 
 upon Dr. Birch to give him the holy sacra- 
 ment, he desired his children to take it with 
 him, and made an earnest declaration of his 
 faith in Christianitj’. It now appeared what 
 part of his conversation with the great could 
 be remembered with delight. He related, 
 that being present when the Duke of Buck- 
 ingham talked profanely before King Charles, 
 he said to him, ‘ My Lord, I am a great deal 
 older than your Grace, and have, 1 believe, 
 heard more arguments for atheism than 
 ever your Grace did ; but I have lived long- 
 enough to see there is nothing in them, 
 and so I hope your Grace will.’ ” ' 
 
 A DISTINCTION. 
 
 Two friends meeting after an absence of 
 some years, during which time the one had 
 increased considerably in bulk, and the other 
 still resembled only the “ effigy of a muu” — 
 said the stout gentleman, “ Why, D ck, you 
 look as if you had not had a dinn r since I 
 saw you last.” “And you,” replied the other, 
 “look as if you had been at dinner ever 
 since.” 
 
 HOW THEY EUILD IN NEW YORK. 
 
 A gentleman, having removed into a house 
 in Hudson-street, tilted his chair backward 
 against the front wall after dinner, as all 
 Americans do, to enjoy his cigar. The dining- 
 room was on the second floor : the wall gave 
 way behind him, and he was spilled into the 
 street. He was an alderman, and, luckiiy, 
 pitched upon his head, or perhaps he might 
 have been hurt ; be had a two hours’ head- 
 ache as it was. When he sought damages 
 in the Court of Common Pleas, he* was non- 
 suited, on the ground that, living in a house 
 in New York, he must have been aware of 
 the peril, and was not entitled to compensa- 
 tion for harm of his wilf ul or careless seek- 
 ing. 
 
 A washerwoman in Canal- street, in driv- 
 ing a nail into the brick wall of the next 
 house, thereto to attach her clothes-line, 
 struck the iron through into the skull of the 
 tenant, who happened to be taking his after- 
 noon nap in the posture of the sufferer of the 
 preceding story, and killed him as dead as 
 Sisera. She was tried for manslaughter 
 therefore . — Boston Herald. 
 
 CATCHING THE PLAGUE. 
 
 In the City liemeiribrancer we find the fol- 
 lowing singular record of the Great Plague, 
 1665 : — “ A citizen broke out of his house in 
 Aldersgate- street, and attempted, but was 
 refused going into the Angel, or the 
 White Horse, at Islington. At the Pyed 
 Horse he pretended going into Lincolnshire, 
 that he was entirely free from infection, and 
 required only lodging for one night. They 
 had but a garret bed empty, and that but 
 one night, expecting drovers with cattle next 
 day. A servant showed him the room, which 
 he gladly accepted. He was well dressed; 
 and, with a sigh, said he had seldom lain in 
 such a lodging, but would make shift, as it 
 was but for one night, and in a dreadful time. 
 He sat down on the bed, desiring a pint of 
 warm ale, which was forgotten. Next morn- 
 ing one asked what was become of the gen- 
 tleman ? The maid, starting, said she had 
 never thought more of him; ‘He bespoke 
 warm ale, but I forgot it.’ A person going 
 up, found him dead across the bed ; his 
 clothes were pulled off, his jaw fallen, his 
 eyes open, in a most frightful posture, the 
 rug of the bed clasped hard in one hand. 
 The alarm was great, having been free from 
 the distemper, vdiich spread immediately to 
 the houses round about. Fourte -u died of 
 the plague that week in Islington.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 155 
 
 BETWEEN LORD MOHUN AND THE 
 DUKE OF HAMILTON. 
 
 This sanguinary duel, originating in a 
 political intrigue, was fought early one morn- 
 ing at the Ring, in Hyde Park, then the 
 usual spot for settling these so-called affairs 
 of honour. The Duke and his second, 
 Colonel Hamilton, of the Foot Guards, were 
 the first in the field. Soon after came Lord 
 Mohun, and his second, Major Macartney. 
 No sooner had the second party reached the 
 ground, than the Duke, unable to conceal his 
 feelings, turned sharply round on Macartney, 
 and said, “I am well assured, sir, that all 
 this is by your contrivance, and, therefore, 
 you shall have your share in the dance ; my 
 friend here, Colonel Hamilton, will entertain 
 you.” “I wish for no better partner,” re- 
 plied Macartney ; “ the Colonel may com- 
 mand me.” Little more passed between 
 them, and the tight began with infinite fury, 
 each being too intent upon doing mischief to 
 his opponent to look sufficiently to his own 
 defence. Macartney had the misfortune to 
 be speedily disarmed, though not before he 
 had wounded his adversary in the right leg ; 
 but luckily for him, at this very moment the 
 attention of the Colonel was drawn off to the 
 condition of his friend, and, flinging both the 
 swords to a distance, he hastened to his 
 assistance. The combat, indeed, had been 
 carried on between the principals with un- 
 common ferocity, the loud and angry clashing 
 of the steel having called to the spot the 
 few stragglers that were abroad in the Park 
 at so early an hour. In a very short time 
 the Duke was wounded in both legs, which 
 he returned with interest, piercing his anta- 
 gonist in the groin, through the arm, and in 
 sundry other parts of his body. The blood 
 flowed freely on both sides, their swords, 
 their faces, and even the grass about them 
 being reddened with it ; but rage lent them 
 that almost supernatural strength which is 
 so often seen in madmen. If. they had 
 thought little enough before of attending 
 to their self-defence, they now seemed to 
 have abandoned the idea altogether. Each 
 at the same time made a desperate lunge at 
 the other ; the Duke’s weapon passed right 
 through his adversary up to the very hilt ; 
 and the latter, shortening his sword, plunged 
 it into the upper part of the Duke’s left 
 breast, the wound running downwards into 
 his body, when his Grace fell upon him. It 
 was now that the Colonel came to his aid, 
 and raised him in his arms. Such a blow, it 
 is probable, would have been fatal of itself; 
 hut Macartney had by this time picked up 
 one of the swords, and stabbing the Duke 
 to the heart, over Hamilton’s shoulder, im- 
 mediately fled, and made his escape to Hol- 
 land. Such, at least, was the tale of the day, 
 widely disseminated, arid generally believed 
 by one party, although it was no less strenu- 
 ously denied by the other. Proclamations 
 were issued, and rewards offered, to an un- 
 usual amount, for the apprehension of the 
 murderer, the affair assuming all the interest 
 
 of a public question. Nay, it wa3 roundly 
 asserted by the Tories, that the Whig faction 
 had gone so far as to place hired assassins 
 about the Park, to make sure of their victim 
 if he had escaped the open ferocity of Lord 
 Mohun, or the yet more perilous treachery of 
 Macartney. 
 
 When the Duke fell, the spectators of this 
 blood}'- tragedy, who do not appear to have 
 interfered in any shape, then came forward 
 to bear him to the Cake House, that a 
 surgeon might be called in and his 
 wounds looked to : but the blow had been 
 struck too home ; before they could raise him 
 from the grass he expired. Such is one of 
 the many accounts that have been given of 
 this bloody affair, for the traditions of the 
 day are anything but uniform or consistent. 
 According to some, Lord Mohun shortened 
 his sword, and stabbed the wounded man to 
 the heart while leaning on his shoulder, and 
 unable to stand without support ; others said 
 that a servant of Lord Mohun’s played the 
 part that was attributed by the more cre- 
 dible accounts to Macartney. This intricate 
 knot is by no means rendered easier of unty- 
 ing by the verdict of the jury, who, some 
 years after, upon the trial of Macartney for 
 this offence in the King’s Bench, found him 
 only guilty of manslaughter. 
 
 Lord Mohun himself died of his wounds 
 upon the spot, and with him the Barony of 
 Mohun, of Okehampton, became extinct; 
 but the estate of Gawsworth, in Cheshire, 
 which he had inherited from the Gerards, 
 vested by will in his widow, and eventually 
 passed to her second daughter, Anne Griffith, 
 wife of the Right Honourable William Stan- 
 hope, by whose representative, Charles, Earl 
 of Harrington, it is now enjoyed. — Burke's 
 Anecdotes of the Aristocracy , 
 
 MEALY PUN. 
 
 A gentleman at dinner requested a 
 friend to help him to a potato, which he 
 did, saying, “I flatter myself you will find 
 that a very good and mealy one.” 1 thank 
 you,” quoth the other, “ it could not be 
 melior” (better). 
 
 PALEY. 
 
 Dr. Paley, when presented to his first pre * 
 ferment in the church, was in very high 
 spirits. Attending at a tavern dinner just 
 after this event, and finding the draught from 
 a window annoy him, he jocosely called 
 out, “Waiter, shut down that window at 
 the back of my chair, and open another 
 behind some curate.” 
 
 BACON AND BEANS. 
 
 Mrs. Fox (the wife of the great states- 
 man) was remarkable for being agreeable 
 and easy. The Prince Regent used often to 
 surprise them at dinner, at St. Anne’s Hill. 
 Upon one occasion, Mrs. Fox said, “Why, 
 sir, we have only for dinner a little bacon 
 and beans.” And so it literally was. The 
 Prince, however, sat down and dined most 
 heartily. 
 
156 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 MIRACLE SOLVED. 
 
 In the month of June, 1824, in a small 
 village called Artes, near Hostalrich, about 
 twelve leagues from Barcelona, a Constitu- 
 tionalist being at the point of death, his 
 brother called on the curate, requesting him 
 to come and administer the sacrament. The 
 curate refused, saying “ Your brother is a 
 Constitutionalist, that is to say, a villain, an 
 impious wretch, an enemy to God and man — 
 he is damned without mercy, and it is, there- 
 fore, useless for me to confess him.” “ But 
 who told you that my brother was damned?” 
 “ God himself told me, during the sacrifice of 
 the mass, that your brother is damned to all 
 the devils.” It was in vain that the brother 
 reiterated his entreaties ; the curate was inex- 
 orable. A few days after the individual died, 
 when his brother demanded for the body the 
 rites of sepulture. The curate refused, 
 alleging, “ The soul of your brother is now 
 burning in hell, as I told you before. It 
 would be in vain for me to take any trouble 
 about interring his body, for during the 
 night the devils will come and carry it 
 away ; and in forty days you yourself 
 will meet the same fate.” The Spaniard 
 not giving implicit credit to this diabo- 
 lical visit, watched during the night by 
 the body of his brother, and with hi3 
 pistols loaded. Between twelve and one 
 o’clock, a knock was heard at the door, and a 
 voice exclaimed, “ I command you to open 
 in the name of the living God ! Open ! if 
 not, your instant ruin is at hand.” The Spa- 
 niard refused to open, and shortly after he 
 saw enter by the window three able- bodied 
 devils, covered with skips of wild beasts, 
 having the usual quantity of horns, claws, 
 and spiked tails, who set about carrying the 
 coffin containing the body: upon this the 
 guardian fired, and shot one devil dead ; the 
 others took to flight ; he fired after them, and 
 wounded both — one of whom died in a few 
 minutes ; the other escaped. In the morning, 
 when the people went to church, there was 
 no curate to officiate ; and it was shortly 
 after discovered, on examining the two de- 
 funct devils, that the one was the curate, and 
 the other the vicar ; the wounded devil was 
 the sacristan, who confessed the whole dia- 
 bolical proceeding. The case was brought 
 before the tribunal at Barcelona. . 
 
 UNPARALLELED PARSIMONY. 
 
 Monsieur Vaudeville was one of the most 
 remarkable men in Paris for his avarice. 
 In the year 1735 he was worth one million 
 sterling. At the age cf seventy- two he con- 
 tracted a fever, which obliged him to send, 
 for the first time in his life, for a surgeon to 
 bleed him, who, asking him tenpence for 
 the operation, was dismissed. He sent for 
 an apothecary, but he was as high in his de- 
 mand. He sent for a barber, who at length 
 agreed to undertake the operation for three- 
 pence a time. 
 
 “ But,” said the stingy old fellow, “ how 
 often will it be requisite to bleed ?” 
 
 “ Three times,” answered the barber. 
 
 “ And what quantity of blood do you in- 
 tend to take?” 
 
 “ About eight ounces,” was the answer. 
 
 “That will be ninepence — too much, too 
 much,” said the miser. “ I have determined 
 to adopt a cheaper way ; take the whole 
 quantity you design to take at three times at 
 one, and it will save me sixpence.” 
 
 This being insisted upon, he lost twenty- 
 four ounces of blood, which caused his death 
 in a few days, and he left his immense pro- 
 perty to the King. 
 
 QUEER SPECIMENS OF HONOUR. 
 
 Sir Robert L’Estrange tells us of a French 
 woman who stood up for the honour of her 
 family. Her coat (she said) was quartered 
 with the arms of France, which was so far 
 true that she had the jleur de Us stamped 
 (we must not say branded) upon her 
 shoulder. 
 
 He also tells us of a Spaniard who was 
 wonderfully upon the huff about his extrac- 
 tion, and would needs prove himself of such 
 a family, by the spelling of his name. A 
 cavalier in the company, with whom he 
 had the controversy, very civilly yielded him 
 the point, “ For,” says he, “ I have examined 
 the records of tbe House of Correction, and 
 I find your grandfather was whipped there 
 by that name.” 
 
 A third, of a gentleman thief under sen- 
 tence of death, for a robbery upon the high- 
 way, who petitioned for the right hand in the 
 cart to the place of execution. 
 
 And of a gendeman cobbler, who charged his 
 son at his death to maintain the honour of 
 his family. 
 
 Farquhar, in his comedy of the “ Recruit- 
 ing Officer,” makes Sergeant Kite say, re- 
 specting the Bed of Honour , that “ it is a 
 mighty large bed, bigger by half than the 
 great Bed of Ware. Ten thousand people 
 may lie in it together, and never feel one 
 another.” 
 
 A LAST FAREWELL. 
 
 When the Prince of Orange, in 1568, re- 
 tired to Germany, apprehending the danger 
 that followed, he entreated Count Egmont to 
 accompany him, who refused. “Farewell,” 
 said he, taking leave of the Prince of Orange, 
 “Prince without an estate.” “Farewell,” 
 replied he, “Count without a head.” The 
 Prince’s pithy remark was soon verified ; for, 
 a few weeks afterwards, the Count being on 
 an excursion, was taken prisoner and exe- 
 cuted. 
 
 DINDE AUX TRUFFES. 
 
 There is a well-known story in the Italian 
 jest-books about a bet between two car- 
 dinals. The wager was a dinde aux truffes 
 (a turkey with truffles). The loser postpones 
 payment till the very eve of the Carnival, 
 when the winner reminds him of the debt. 
 He excuses himself on the ground that truf- 
 fles were worth nothing that year. “ Bah ! 
 bah !” says the other, “ that is a false report 
 originating with the turkeys.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 157 
 
 FIVES. 
 
 Fives-playing, at Copenhagen House, is 
 recorded, in a memoir of Cavanagh, the 
 famous fives-player, by Mr. Hazlitt, which 
 first appeared in the Examiner of February 
 17, 1819. Cavanagh was an Irishman. He 
 used frequently to play matches at Copen- 
 hagen House for wagers and dinners. The 
 wall against which they play is the same 
 that supports the kitchen chimney ; and when 
 the wall resounded louder than usual, the 
 cook exclaimed, “ Those are the Irishman’s 
 balls !” and the joints trembled on the spit. 
 
 DEATH OF LORD BACON. 
 
 “The cause of his Lordship’s death,” says 
 Aubrey, in his MSS., now preserved in the 
 Ashmolean Museum, at Oxford, “was try- 
 ing an experiment, as he was takeing the 
 aire in the coach with Dr. Witherborne, a 
 Scotch man, phisitian to the King. Towards 
 Highgate, snow lay on the ground, and it 
 came into my Lord’s thoughts why flesh 
 might not be preserved in snow as in salt. 
 They were resolved they would try the ex- 
 periment presently ; they alighted out of the 
 coach, and went into a poore woman’s house 
 at the bottome of Highgate-hill, and bought 
 a hen, and made the woman extenterate it, 
 and then stuffed the bodie with snow ; and 
 my Lord did help to doe it himself. The 
 snow so chilled him that he immediately fell 
 so ill, that he could not return to his lodgings 
 (I suppose then at Gray’s Inn), but went to 
 the Earl of Arundel’s house, at Highgate, 
 where they put him into a good bed, warmed 
 with a panne ; but it was a dampe bed, that 
 had not been layn in for about a yeare be- 
 fore, which gave him such a colde, that in 
 two or three dayes, as I remember, he 
 (Hobbes) told me, he died of suffocation.” 
 
 COLLINS, THE POET. 
 
 Collins, the poet, lived some time at Isling- 
 ton. “After his return from France,” says Dr. 
 Johnson, in his “Lives of the Poets,” “the 
 writer of this character paid him a visit at 
 Islington, where he was waiting for his sis- 
 ter, whom he had directed to meet him,” &c. 
 Cowper, alluding to the above passage, in a 
 letter to the Rev. John Newton, dated March 
 15, 1784, says: — “I have lately finished 
 Johnson’s ‘ Prefaces ; or, Lives of the Poets.’ 
 In all that number, I observe but one man— 
 a poet of no great fame — of whom I did not 
 know that he existed till I found him there, 
 whose mind seems to have had the slightest 
 tincture of religion ; and he was hardly in 
 his senses. His name was Collins. He sank 
 into a state of melancholy, and died young. 
 Not long before his death, he was found at 
 his lodgings, at Islington, by his biographer, 
 with the New Testament in his hand. He 
 said to Johnson, ‘I have but one book, but 
 it is the best.’ Of him, therefore, there are 
 some hopes. But, from the lives of all the 
 rest, there is but one inference to be drawn — 
 that poets are a very worthless, wicked set of 
 people.” 
 
 ARGUMENTATIVE. 
 
 Tbe Vermont Mercury has the following 
 excellent defence lately made to an action 
 by a down-east lawyer: — “There are three 
 points in the cause, may it please your 
 honor,” said the defendant’s counsel : “ In 
 the first place, we contend that the kettle 
 was cracked when we borrowed it ; secondly, 
 that it was whole when we returned it ; and 
 thirdly, that we never had it.” 
 
 FRANKING LETTERS. 
 
 The Princess Augusta asked Lord Wal- 
 singham for a frank. He wrote one for her 
 in such detestable characters, that, at the end 
 of a month, after having wandered half over 
 England, it was opened, and returned to her 
 as illegible. The Princess complained to 
 Lord Walsingham, and he then wrote the 
 frank for her so legibly, that at the end of a 
 couple of days it was returned to her, marked 
 “ Forgery !” 
 
 IMMENSE LENS. 
 
 At the house, No. 1, Bird’s-buildings, on 
 the east side of the Lower-street, Islington, 
 some years ago, resided a very ingenious ar- 
 tisan, named Penn, who there fabricated a 
 convex burning-glass of most extraordinary 
 powers, for Mr. Parker, an eminent glass- 
 manufacturer in Fleet-street. “ He erected,” 
 says Mr. Nelson, “ an out- building at the 
 bottom of his garden (lately converted into 
 a dwelling), for the purpose of carrying on his 
 operations ; and at length succeeded in pro- 
 ducing the most powerful burning lens that 
 had ever been constructed. Its diameter was 
 three feet ; and the completing the machine, 
 with its necessary apparatus, is said to have 
 cost his employer upwards of £700. Its 
 powers were astonishing ; the most hard and 
 solid substances of the mineral world, as pla- 
 tina, iron, steel, flint, stone, &c., were melted 
 in a few seconds, on being exposed to its 
 intense focus; and it is stated that a dia- 
 mond, weighing ten grains, exposed to this 
 lens for thirty minutes, was reduced to six 
 grains; during which operation it opened 
 and foliated like the leaves of a flower, and 
 emitted whitish fumes; and when closed 
 again, it bore a polish and retained its form. 
 A full description of this extraordinary ma- 
 chine, with a comparative statement of its 
 effect upon a variety of substances, will be 
 found in the Cyclopaedia by Dr. Ree3 ; from 
 which it appears that a subscription was pro- 
 posed, for raising the sum of 700 guineas 
 towards indemnifying the charges of Mr. 
 Parker, and retaining this very curious and 
 useful machine in our own country; but, 
 from the failure of the subscription, and some 
 other concurring circumstances, that gentle- 
 man was induced to dispose of it to Captain 
 Mackintosh, who accompanied Lord Ma- 
 cartney in the embassy to China ; and it was 
 left, much to the regret of philosophers in 
 Europe, at Pekin, where it remains in the 
 hands of persons who most probably know 
 neither its value nor use. 
 
158 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A MAGDALENE. 
 
 A French bishop preaching, exclaimed, 
 “ A Magdalene is present ; she is looking at 
 me. I will not mention her name, but I will 
 throw my book at her.” He then raised his 
 arm as if to put his threat into execution, 
 when all the women in the church ducked 
 their heads. “ What !” said he ; “ all Mag- 
 dalenes !” • 
 
 IRISH BLUNDERS. 
 
 The Irish blunder is sui generis; and it is 
 not only of a class by itself, but it is of the 
 best class. It always puzzles, which mere 
 clownishness does not ; but it always amuses 
 by its oddity, its novelty, and its humour. 
 Of this order was the exclamation of the 
 Irish gentleman, who, on getting a ten-pound 
 prize in the lottery, and finding that the 
 prize was less than the money which he had 
 paid for it, cried out, “ What luck it was that 
 I did not get the £20,000 ; I must have been 
 entirely ruined !” 
 
 An orator, in the Irish House of Commons, 
 was describing the inordinate love of praise 
 which characterized an opponent. “The 
 honourable member,” said he, “is so fond 
 of being praised, that I really believe he 
 would be content to give up the ghost, if it 
 were but to look up and read the stone-cut- 
 ter’s puff on his grave.” 
 
 “ Contempt of money,” was the expression 
 of another. “ The honourable member pro- 
 fesses to play the philosopher. I can assure 
 you, Mr. Speaker, that if there is any one 
 office that glitters in the eyes of the honour- 
 able member, it is that of purse-bearer ; a 
 pension to him is a compendium of all the 
 cardinal virtues. All his statesmanship is 
 comprehended in the art of taxing ; and for 
 good, better, and best, in the scale of human 
 nature, he invariably reads, pence, shillings, 
 and pounds. I verily believe,” exclaimed 
 the orator, rising to the height of his con- 
 ception, “ that, if the honourable gentleman 
 were an undertaker, it would be the delight 
 of his heart to see all mankind seized with a 
 common mortality, that he might have the 
 benefit of the general burial, and provide 
 scarves and hatbands for the survivors.” 
 
 “ Is there any ford there ?” asked an En- 
 glish tourist, who came suddenly to a full 
 stop before one of the little mountain torrents 
 of the west of Ireland. “ Oh, to be sure, 
 your honour, there was a ford,” said a 
 peasant standing at the brink, and making a 
 hundred grimaces of civility. “ When was 
 it?” said the tourist. “Before the bridge 
 was built,” said the peasant; “but when 
 man and horse went over the bridge, the 
 ford got out of the habit.” “Well, now 
 that the bridge is broken down, I sup- 
 pose the ford may have got into the habit 
 again. Is it safe?” “To be sure, your 
 honour, all but in the middle, but that is 
 nothing ; and if you can swim, there is not a 
 better ford in the country.” “ But I cannot 
 swim.” “Then, your honour, the only safe 
 way that 1 know of is, as soon as you get 
 out of your depth, to walk back again 
 
 AN OLD SOLDIER. 
 
 It was remarked by an elderly gentleman 
 in a coffee-room one day, when it was rain- 
 ing very hard and the water running down 
 the streets, that it reminded him of the 
 general deluge. “ Zounds, sir,” said an old 
 veteran officer near him, “ who’s he ? I have 
 heard of all the Generals in Europe but 
 him.” — This reminds one of the print-col- 
 lector inquiring for a portrait of Admiral 
 Noah, to illustrate Lord Byron’s “ Don 
 Juan.” 
 
 SCARLET FEVER. 
 
 During the legal absence of Mr. Campbell 
 (now Lord Campbell), on bis matrimonial 
 trip with the ci-devant Miss Scarlett, Mr. 
 Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was 
 called on in the Bench, “I thought, Mr. 
 Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this 
 case.” “Yes, my Lord,” replied Mr. 
 Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly 
 his own; “he was, my Lord, but I under- 
 stand he is ill.” “Iam sorry to hear that, 
 Mr. Brougham,” said the Judge, taking snuff. 
 “ My Lord,” replied Mr. Brougham, “ it is 
 whispered here that the cause of my learned 
 friend’s absence is the Scarlett fever. 5 ' 
 
 AN EXPLOSION. 
 
 According to a tablet which now hangs 
 beneath the organ-gallery of the church of 
 All-hallows, Barking, Tower-street, a serious 
 accident happened to the building in the 
 middle of the 17th century: it states that 
 “ This church was much defaced and ruined 
 by a lamentable blow of twenty-seven bar- 
 rels of gunpowder, that took fire the 4th day 
 of January, 1649, in a ship-chandler’s house, 
 over against the south side of the church ; 
 and was afterwards repaired and beautified 
 at the sole cost of divers of the parishioners, 
 by a voluntary contribution, as it is recorded 
 in the church books.” 
 
 Strype, the antiquary, gives a minute 
 account of this accident : the chandler was 
 busy in his shop barrelling the powder about 
 seven o’clock in the evening, when it became 
 ignited, and blew up not merely that house, 
 but fifty or sixty others adjacent. The 
 number of persons who were destroyed was 
 never ascertained ; for the next house but 
 one was a tavern, known as “ The Rose,” 
 which was full of company when the explo- 
 sion took place, in consequence of a parish 
 dinner : it must have been very great, how- 
 ever, judging from the limbs and bodies 
 which were dug from the ruins. The hostess 
 of the tavern sitting in the bar, and the waiter 
 standing by with a tankard in his hand, 
 were found entire beneath some timbers 
 which had formed a roof over them, but 
 were dead from suffocation. It is recorded, 
 that in the morning after this disaster, a 
 female infant was discovered lying on the 
 top of Barking church in a cradle, without 
 any traces of fire, and unharmed. The 
 parents were never traced, but the infant 
 was taken charge of by a parishioner, and 
 lived to ar> adult age. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 159 
 
 FRENCH SOUP. 
 
 During a campaign in Germany, Lord 
 Townsend, who commanded one of the bri- 
 gades, gave a dinner to his officers, as is 
 usual with generals on a march. When the 
 soup was served up, a universal complaint 
 was made of its horrid taste. An inquiry 
 was instantly made into the cause, when it 
 was found that the French, by whom the 
 place bad been occupied as an hospital but 
 two days before, on retreating, for the pur- 
 pose of expediting the interment of their 
 dead, had thrown many of them into the 
 wells. The company instantly broke up in 
 disorder : but old Major ILume, of the 25th 
 Foot, who had been a soldier from his infancy, 
 and often, no doubt, fared on viands not the 
 most delicate, proceeded with characteristic 
 indifference to finish his dinner, exclaiming 
 that the soup was good, and that it would 
 have been better if the whole French army 
 had been in the water of which it was made. 
 
 SHERIDAN AND THE PLAYWRIGHT, 
 
 A playwright had sent a comedy to 
 Mr. Sheridan for perusal, and. of course, 
 approval, and of course heard nothing 
 more of his comedy. He waited six 
 months patiently ; the season was then 
 over, and he therefore resolved to wait 
 on till the next season began : he did so ; 
 he then, called at Mr. Sheridan’s, wbo at 
 that time lived in George-street, Hanover- 
 square — not at home, of course; he then 
 dispatched a note — no answer; another — 
 ditto ; another call — still the same result. 
 At last, however, the author hit upon the 
 expedient of posting himself in the hall on a 
 day in the evening of which there was to be 
 an important debate in the House of Com- 
 mons. This was a blockade which even the 
 ingenuity of the wit could not evade; the 
 author was therefore admitted. 
 
 His inquiries were respectful, but earnest. 
 
 “ My comedy, Mr. Sheridan — I ” 
 
 “ Yes — to be sure — clearly— the ?” 
 
 “ ‘ Fashionable Involvements,’ in five acts,” 
 said the author, helping his great friend to 
 the name of his work, which he hoped might 
 recall the work itself to his recollection — a 
 hope most vain. 
 
 “ Upon my word,” said Sheridan, “ I — I’m 
 in a great hurry — I really don’t remember — 
 I am afraid your play has been somehow 
 mislaid.” 
 
 “Mislaid!” exclaimed the anxious parent 
 of the lost bantling. “ My dear sir, if it is, 
 I am ruined — 1 have no copy of it.” 
 
 “ It is very unfortunate,” said Mr. Sheri- 
 dan, “ very — I’m sure I regret — I ” 
 
 “ But what can Ido, sir?” said the author. 
 
 “ I tell you what, my dear friend,” replied 
 Mr. Sheridan, “ I cannot promise you your 
 own play back, because I don’t know where 
 any of the last year’s pieces are ; but if you 
 will open that t bl e-drawer, you will find a 
 great number that have been sent me this 
 year: you may take any three of those in 
 exchange, and do what you like with them.” 
 
 CAREME, THE COOK. 
 
 Careme is a lineal descendant of that cele- 
 brated chef of Leo X., who received the name 
 of Jean de Careme ( Jack of Lent), for a 
 soup-maigre which he invented for the Pope. 
 It is remarkable that the first decisive proof 
 of genius given by our Careme himself was 
 a sauce for fast-dinners. The competition 
 for the services of an artist thus accomplished 
 was, of course, unparalleled. Half the So- 
 vereigns of Europe were suitors to him. He 
 was induced, by persevering solicitations, 
 and the promise of a salary of £1000, to 
 become chef to George IV., vthen Regent, 
 but left him at the end of a few months, 
 complaining that it was a menage bourgeois. 
 During the time he condescended to stay at 
 Carlton House, immense prices were given 
 for his second-hand pates, after they had 
 made their appearance at the Regent’s table. 
 The Emperors of Austria and Russia made 
 new advances to him upon this occasion ; but 
 in vain. “ Mon ame,” said he, “ toute 
 Frangaise, ne peut vivre qu’en France ;” and 
 he ended by accepting an engagement with 
 Baron Rothschild, of Paris. 
 
 ROYAL SPEECH BY CANDLE- LIGHT. 
 
 The opening day of the session of Parlia- 
 ment in 1836 was unusually gloomy, which, 
 added to an imperfection in the sight of 
 William IV., and the darkness of the 
 House of Lords, especially where the throne 
 was situated, rendered it impossible for the 
 King to read the royal speech with facility. 
 Most patiently and good-naturedly did he 
 struggle with the task, often hesitating, 
 sometimes mistaking, and at others correct- 
 ing himself. On one occasion he stuck 
 altogether, and after two or three ineffec- 
 tual efforts to make out the word, he was 
 obliged to give it up, when, turning to Lord 
 Melbourne, who stood on his right hand, 
 and looking him most significantly in the 
 face, he said, in a tone sufficiently loud to be 
 audible in all parts of the house, “ Eh ! 
 what is it?” Lord Melbourne having whis- 
 pered the obstructing word, the Kang pro- 
 ceeded to toil through the speech, but, by 
 the time he got to about the middle, the 
 librarian brought him two wax tapers, on 
 which he suddenly paused, and raising his 
 head, and looking at the Lords and Com- 
 mons, he addressed them on the spur of the 
 moment in a perfectly distinct voice, and 
 without the least embarrassment or the 
 mistake of a single word, in these terms : — 
 “ My Lords and Gentlemen, 
 
 “ I have hitherto not been able, from 
 want of light, to read this speech in the way 
 its importance deserves; but, as lights are 
 now brought me, I will read it again from 
 the commencement, and in a way which, I 
 trust, will command your attention.” 
 
 Fie then again, though evidently fatigued 
 by the difficulty of reading in the first in- 
 stance, began at the beginning, and read 
 through the speech in a manner which would 
 have done credit to any professor of elocution. 
 
1G0 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 A GOOD RULE. 
 
 It was Count Charles deMorney’s practice, 
 whenever he dined at a table d'hote, to in- 
 struct his valet to come in and sit down with 
 the company, place himself at the bottom or 
 top of the table, treat his master as a perfect 
 stranger, and help him to the best of every 
 thing. 
 
 EDMUND KEAN’S FIRST SEASON. 
 
 In the course of the season (1814), Kean 
 played sixty-eight nights. The total amount 
 of money received at Drury-Lane Theatre 
 on the sixty- eight nights of his performance 
 was £32,642 12s. 6d. (This includes a calcu- 
 lation of £1700 only for private boxes.) 
 When he came to the theatre, the receipts 
 averaged £212 per night. During his nights, 
 the general average was £509 9s. per night! 
 
 £ s. d. 
 
 The largest receipts on the repre- 
 sentation of Shylock was ... 531 2 0 
 
 Do. of Richard III, ... 655 13 6 
 
 Do. of Hamlet 660 2 0 
 
 Do. oflago ... ... 573 6 6 
 
 Do. of Othello 673 18 6 
 
 And the number of persons who visited the 
 theatre on the sixty-eight nights of his per- 
 formance was 166,742. 
 
 The result of the calculation is, that 
 (subject only to Kean’s own salary) the 
 theatre cleared, by his services alone, during 
 those nights, upwards of twenty thousand 
 rouNDS I 
 
 ESCAPE OF TOM PAINE. 
 
 The notorious political writer, Thomas 
 Paine, was member for Calais in the National 
 Assembly, after the French revolution. 
 When Robespierre came into power, Paine 
 was arrested and carried to prison, no reason of 
 any consequence being assigned for this harsh 
 treatment. The event is thus recorded in 
 his own words : — “ One hundred and sixty- 
 eight persons were taken out of the Luxem- 
 bourg in one night, and one hundred and sixty 
 of them executed the next day. Amongst 
 this number my name was included; and 
 the manner I escaped the guillotine is curious, 
 having all the appearance of accident. 
 
 “ The room in which I was lodged was on 
 the ground-floor, and one of a long range of 
 chambers under a gallery, with the door 
 opening outwards flat against the wall ; so 
 that, when it was open, the inside of the door 
 appeared outward, and the contrary when it 
 was shut. 
 
 “ When persons by scores and hundreds 
 were to be taken out of the prison for the 
 guillotine, it was always done in the night ; 
 and those who performed that office had a 
 private mark, by which they knew what 
 rooms to visit and what number to take. 
 The door of my room was marked one morn- 
 ing, unobserved by me, when it was open, 
 and flat against the wall; being closed in 
 the evening, the fatal line of chalk came in- 
 side — and thus the destroying angel passed 
 by. A few days after this, Robespierre fell, 
 and Mr. Munroe arrived to reclaim me, and 
 to invite me to his house.” 
 
 SIR JOSEPH BANKS’S “BALANCE.” 
 
 At the death of Sir Joseph Banks, there 
 was left at the apartments of the Royal So • 
 ciety, at Somerset House, an instrument called 
 a balance, constructed by Ramsden, the pro- 
 perty of Sir Joseph. The secretaries ac- 
 cordingly wrote to his widow, requesting to 
 know her wishes respecting the instrument. 
 “ Pay it into Coutts’s,” was her Ladyship’s 
 reply. 
 
 MELTING OF A WATCH BY LIGHTNING. 
 
 During a violent thunder-storm in 1844, 
 a fishing-boat belonging to one of the Shet - 
 land Islands was struck by lightning. The 
 electric fluid came down the mast, which it 
 tore into shivers, and melted a watch in 
 the pocket of a man who was sitting close 
 by the side of the mast, without injuring 
 him. Not only was the man altogether un- 
 hurt, but his clothes also were uninjured; 
 and he was not aware of what had taken 
 place until, on taking out his watch, he found 
 it was fused into a mass ! 
 
 YOUNG AND OLD. 
 
 A very gallant naval officer, after having 
 obtained two steps in his profession, by 
 actions with the enemy, waited on William 
 the Fourth, when he was Lord High Admiral, 
 to ask for a ship, in reply to which request 
 he was good-humouredly told that “ he wa3 
 too young.” A few weeks afterwards, on 
 making a similar request to Sir J. Graham, 
 who had just succeeded to be First Lord of' 
 the Admiralty, with grave dignity he was 
 told that the policy of the Government 
 was to bring forward young men, and that he 
 was too old ; whereupon he instantly turned 
 on his heel, declaring that he would never 
 again set foot in the Admiralty till he was 
 sent for. 
 
 RUFFS AND REEVES. 
 
 These birds are worth nothing in their 
 wild state, and the art of fattening them is 
 traditionally said to have been discovered 
 by the monks of Yorkshire, where they are 
 still in high favour with the clerical profes- 
 sion, as a current anecdote will show. A.t a 
 grand dinner at Bishopthorp (in Archbishop 
 Markham’s time) a dish of ruffs and reeves 
 chanced to be placed immediately in front of 
 a young divine who had come down to be 
 examined for priest’s orders, and was con- 
 siderately (or, as it turned out, incon- 
 siderately) asked to dinner by his Grace. 
 Out of sheer modesty, the clerical tyro con- 
 fined himself exclusively to the dish before 
 him, and persevered in his ^discriminating 
 attention to it till one of the resident digni- 
 taries (all of whom were waiting only the 
 proper moment to participate) observed him 
 and called the attention of the company by a 
 loud exclamation of alarm. But the warn- 
 ing came too late ; the ruffs and reeves had 
 vanished to a bird, and with them, we are 
 concerned to add, all the candidate’s hopes 
 of Yorkshire preferment are said to have 
 vanished too. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 161 
 
 WATERLOO MEDAL. 
 
 A Frenchman meeting an English soldier 
 with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to 
 animadvert on the British Government for 
 bestowing such a trifle, which did not cost 
 them three francs. “ That is true, to be sure,” 
 replied the soldier ; “ it did not cost the En- 
 glish Government three francs, but it cost the 
 French a Napoleon.” 
 
 A REASON. 
 
 One Easter, the Emperor Nicholas, on 
 coming out of his palace at St. Petersburgh, 
 addressed the sentry with his usual familiar- 
 ity, in the form of salutation prescribed for 
 that day — “ Christ is risen !” Instead of the 
 usual reply, “ He is, indeed,” the fellow an- 
 swered gravely, “ He is not, indeed !” “ Hey ! 
 how? what is that?” said the Emperor; “I 
 said ‘Christ is risen !’ ” “And I replied, ‘He 
 is not !’ ” “ Why, who and what, in Heaven’s 
 name, are you?” asked the Autocrat. “ I am 
 a Jew !” exclaimed the sentry. 
 
 FLEET MARRIAGES. 
 
 The following description of these marriages 
 is given in the Grub-street Journal of Jan., 
 1735 : — “ There are a set of drunken, swear- 
 ing parsons, with their myrmidons, who 
 wear black coats, and pretend to be clerks 
 and registers of the Fleet, and who ply 
 about Ludgate-hill, pulling and forcing peo- 
 ple to some peddling alehouse or brandy- 
 shop to be married, even on a Sunday, stop- 
 ping them as they go to church, and almost 
 tearing their clothes off their backs.” The 
 indecency of these practices, and the facility 
 they afforded for accomplishing forced and 
 fraudulent marriages, were not the only evils 
 attending this state of the law. Marriages 
 could be antedated, without limit, on pay- 
 ment of a fee, or not entered at all. Parties 
 could be married without declaring their 
 names. It was a common practice for wo- 
 men to hire temporary husbands, at the Fleet, 
 in order that they might be able to plead 
 coverture to an action for debt, or to produce 
 a certificate in case of their being enceinte. 
 Those hired husbands were provided by the 
 parson for five shillings each ; sometimes they 
 were women. It appears, that for half-a-guinea 
 a marriage might be registered and certified 
 that never took place. The marriage of the 
 Hon. H. Fox, son of the first Lord Holland, 
 to the daughter of the Duke of Richmond, 
 at the Fleet, in 1744, and the increase of 
 these irregular practices, led to the introduc- 
 tion of the Marriage Act, which was passed 
 with great difficulty. The interval between 
 the passing of the bill, and its coming into 
 operation, afforded a rich harvest to the par- 
 sons of the Fleet and May Fair. In one 
 register-book there are entered 217 mar- 
 riages which took place at the Fleet on the 
 25th of March, 1754, the day previous to the 
 act coming into force. Clandestine mar- 
 riages continued at the Savoy till 1756, when 
 a minister and his curate being transported, 
 an effectual stop was put to them. 
 
 REVOLUTIONARY RELATION. 
 
 St. Just, the French revolutionary leader 
 was always puffed up with his sense of self- 
 importance, and showed this so plainly in his 
 demeanour, that Camille Desmoulins said he 
 “ carried his head like the holy sacrament ” 
 (le Saint Sacrement ) — “and I,” said St. 
 Just, on the sneer being reported to him, 
 which has the merit of giving a very pic- 
 turesque description of the subject, “ and I 
 will make him carry his head like St. Denis,” 
 alluding to the legend of that saint having 
 walked from Paris to his grave carrying his 
 head under his arm. 
 
 A SNAIL DINNER. 
 
 The chemical philosophers, Dr. Black and 
 Dr. Hutton, were particular friends, though 
 there was something extremely opposite in 
 their external appearance and manner. Dr. 
 Black spoke with the English pronunciation, 
 and with punctilious accuracy of expression, 
 both in point of matter and manner. The 
 geologist, Dr. Hutton, was the very reverse 
 of this: his conversation was conducted in 
 broad phrases, expressed with a broad Scotch 
 accent, which often heightened the humour 
 of what he said. 
 
 It chanced that the two doctors had held 
 some discourse together upon the folly of ab- 
 staining from feeding on the testaceous crea- 
 tures of the land, while those of the sea were 
 considered as delicacies. Wherefore not eat 
 snails? they are known to be nutritious and 
 wholesome, and even sanative in some cases. 
 The epicures of old praised them among the 
 richest delicacies, and the Italians still esteem 
 them. In short, it was determined that a 
 gastronomic experiment should be made at 
 the expense of the snails. The snails were 
 procured, dieted for a time, and then stewed 
 for the benefit of the two philosophers, who 
 had either invited no guests to their banquet, 
 or found none who relished in prospect the 
 piece de resistance. A huge dish of snails 
 was placed before them: still, philosophers 
 are but men after all ; and the stomachs of 
 both doctors began to revolt against the ex- 
 periment. Nevertheless, if they looked with 
 disgust on the snails, they retained their awe 
 for each other, so that each, conceiving the 
 symptoms of internal revolt peculiar to him- 
 self, began, with infinite exertion, to swallow, 
 in very small quantities, the mess which he 
 internally loathed. 
 
 Doctor Black at length showed the white 
 feather, but in a very delicate manner, as if 
 to sound the opinion of his messmate. “ Doc- 
 tor,” he said, in his precise and quiet man- 
 ner — “ Doctor, do you think that they taste 
 
 a little — a very little, green?” “D d 
 
 green! d d green, indeed! Tak’ them 
 
 awa’ — tak’ them awa’ !” vociferated Dr. Hut- 
 ton, starting up from table, and giving full 
 vent to his feelings of abhorrence. So ended 
 all hopes of introducing snails into the mo- 
 dern cuisine ; and thus philosophy can no 
 more cure a nausea, than honour can set & 
 broken limb. 
 
162 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 EAR FOR MUSIC. 
 
 When one of the Sandwich Island Princes 
 was in England, he was present at a Royai 
 entertainment, at which the band from one 
 of the regiments of guards perform' d some 
 very scientific and composite pieces of music. 
 The Sandwich Islander was observed to listen 
 most intently, and being asked by one of the 
 company whether he was pleased with the 
 music, be answered that he had been greatly 
 delighted with the drum. 
 
 THEODORE HOOK AT THE ATHENAEUM 
 CLUB. 
 
 It is said that at the Athenaeum Club, in 
 Pall mall, the number of dinners fell oft - by 
 upwards of 300 per annum, after Theodore 
 Hook disappeared from his favourite corner, 
 near the door of the coffee-room. The cor- 
 ner alluded to will, we suppose, long retain 
 the name which it derived from him — Tem- 
 perance Corner. Many grave and dignified 
 persons being frequent guests, it would 
 hardly have been seemly to have been calling 
 for repeated supplies of a certain description ; 
 but the waiters well understood what the 
 oracle of the corner meant by “Another 
 glass of toast-and-water,” or “ A little more 
 lemonade.” 
 
 EST-IL POSSIBLE? 
 
 A few days after the landing of William 
 of Nassau at Torbay, the officers, nobility, 
 and courtiers of James II. began to fall off 
 from their falling master, as usual in such 
 cases. Amongst the most faithful, however, 
 apparently, was Prince George of Denmark, 
 consort of the Princess Anne, James’s daugh- 
 ter. At every fresh account of a defection of 
 a Lord A., Lord B., or Lord C , the indignant 
 Prince George exclaimed, “ Est-il possible ?” 
 This continued for three or four days; till 
 at length, one morniDg, the unfortunate 
 Monarch inquiring why Prince George was 
 missing from his thinned levee, the answer 
 was, on account of his desertion to William. 
 “ What !” said James, “is Est-il possible gone 
 also?” 
 
 SWEET REPROOF. 
 
 It is related that once in the House of 
 Commons Lord Chatham began a speech 
 with the words, “Sugar, Mr. Speaker;” 
 and then, observing a smile to pervade 1 he 
 audience, he paused, looked fiercely around, 
 and with a loud voice, rising in its notes and 
 swelling into vehement anger, he is said to 
 have pronounced again the word “Sugar!” 
 three times, and having thus quelled the 
 House, and extinguished every appearance 
 of levity or laughter, turned round and dis- 
 dainfully asked, “Who will laugh at sugar 
 now?” We have this anecdote upon good 
 traditional authority, says Lord Brougham. 
 That it was believed by those who had the 
 best means of knowing Lord Chatham, is 
 certain ; and this of itself shows their sense 
 of the extraordinary powers of his manner, 
 and -the reach of his audacity in trusting to 
 those powers. 
 
 ROYAL REPARTEE. 
 
 When the King of Denmark was about to 
 quit the Congress of Vienna, the Emperor 
 Alexander observed, “ Your Majesty carries 
 awa\ all our hearts.” Upon which, the King, 
 who bad not profited by the general scramble 
 for the provinces, wittily replied, “Yes, Sire, 
 but not a single soul.” 
 
 “A SCRATCH.” 
 
 In CadelPs “Campaigns in Egypt,” it is 
 related: — “An Irishman, Dan Eitzgibbon, 
 of the Grenadiers, like most of his country- 
 men, possessed both courage and humour. 
 He was p'aced at a bank which he was to 
 fire over, but on no account to show himself. 
 Poor Dan, not taking this advice, jumped 
 upon the bank every round he fired, to see if 
 he had hit any one. At last a Frenchman 
 shot him through the back of the left hand. 
 It was seen that something had happened, 
 and he was asked what was the matter? 
 Dan, very quietly looking at his bleeding 
 fist, and scratching his head with the other, 
 said, ‘ I wish I knew who did this.’ ” 
 
 SAGACITY OF RATS. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Ferryman resided at Quora, 
 in Leicestershire. Walking out in some 
 meadows, one evening, he observed a great 
 number of rats in the act of migrating from 
 one place to another, which it is known they 
 are in the habit of doing occasionally. He 
 stood perfectly still, and the whole assem- 
 blage passed close to him. His astonish- 
 ment, however, was great when he saw 
 amongst the number an old, blind rat, which 
 held one end of a piece of stick in its mouth, 
 while another rat had hold of the other end 
 of it, and thus conducted its blind companion. 
 Mr. Ferryman has a large glass case of En- 
 glish rats, in which this interesting anecdote 
 is commemorated with equal truth and 
 fidelity. 
 
 Mr. Ferryman also relates that he had an 
 old friend, a clergyman, of retired and stu- 
 dious habits. When sitting in his room one 
 day, he saw an English rat come out of a 
 hole at the bottom of the wainscot ; he threw 
 it a piece of bread, and, in process of time, 
 he so familiarised the animal, that it became 
 perfectly tame, ran about him, was his con- 
 stant companion, and appeared much at- 
 tached to him. He was in the habit of 
 reading in bed at night ; and was on one oc- 
 casion awoke by feeling a sharp bite on his 
 cheek, when he discovered the curtains of 
 his bed to be on fire. He made bis escape, 
 but his house was burnt down, and lie saw 
 no more of his rat. He was, however, con- 
 vinced, and remained so for the rest of his 
 life, that his old companion bad saved him 
 from being burnt to death, by biting his 
 cheek, and thus making him aware of his 
 danger. The marks of teeth were visible 
 upon it, and the reader may put what faith 
 he pleases on the supposition of the good 
 clergyman. He himself was always indig- 
 nant if any one doubted it. — Jesse. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 163 
 
 THE SEA-SERPENT OFF THE WESTERN 
 ISLANDS. 
 
 The most authentic statement is that by 
 the Rev. Mr. MClean, parish minister of 
 Eigg, one of the Western Islands, and ad- 
 dressed by him to the secretary of the Wer- 
 nerian Society, dated 1809 : — “ 1 saw the ani- 
 mal of which you inquire in June, 1808, on 
 the coast of Coll. Rowing along that coast, 
 I observed, at about the distance of half a 
 mile, an object to windward which gradually 
 excited astonishment. At first view, it ap- 
 peared like a small rock ; but, knowing that 
 there was no rock in that situation, I ; fixed 
 my eyes closely upon it ; then I saw it elevated 
 considerably above the level of the sea, and, 
 after a slow movement, distinctly perceived 
 one of its eyes. Alarmed at the unusual ap- 
 pearance and magnitude of the animal, I 
 steered so as to be at no great distance from 
 the shore. When nearly in a line between it 
 and the shore, the monster, directing its 
 head, which still continued above water, to- 
 wards us, plunged violently under water. 
 Certain that he was in chase of us, we plied 
 hard to get ashore. Just as we leapt out on 
 a rock, and had taken a station as high as 
 we conveniently could, we saw it coming ra- 
 pidly under water towards the stern of our 
 boat. When within a few yards of it, find- 
 ing the water shallow, it raised its monstrous 
 head above water, and, by a winding course, 
 got, with apparent difficulty, clear of the 
 creek where our boat lay, and where the 
 monster seemed in danger of being embayed. 
 It continued to move off with its; head above 
 water, and with the wind, for about half a 
 mile, before we lost sight of it. Its head was 
 somewhat broad, and of somewhat oval 
 form ; its neck somewhat smaller ; its shoul- 
 ders, if I can so term them, considerably 
 broader, and thence it tapered towards the 
 tail, which last it kept pretty low in the wa- 
 ter, so that a view could llot be taken of it so 
 distinctly as I wished. It had no fins that 
 I could perceive, and seemed to me to move 
 progressively by undulation up and down. 
 Its length 1 believe to be between seventy 
 and eighty feet. When nearest to me it did 
 not raise its head wholly above water, so that 
 the neck being under water, I could perceive 
 no shining filaments thereon, if it had any. 
 Its progressive motion under water I took to 
 be very rapid. About the time I saw it, it 
 was seen near the Isle of Canna. The crews 
 of thirteen fishing-boats were so much ter- 
 rified at its appearance that they in a body 
 fled from it to the nearest creek for safety. 
 On the passage from Rum to Canna, the crew 
 of one boat saw it coming towards them with 
 the wind, and its head high above water. 
 One of the crew pronounced the head as 
 large as a little boat, and its eye as large as a 
 plate. The men were much terrified, but 
 the monster offered them no molestation.” 
 Mr. M'Clean saw this in June, 1808, and it is 
 remarkable that the celebrated Orkney ani- 
 mal of the “ Wernerian Transactions,” gene- 
 
 rally corresponding with the foregoing ac- 
 count, was cast ashore dead on Stronsa in 
 October of the same year. This is the second 
 instance of the supposed actual animal hav- 
 ing been found. 
 
 THE SEA-SERPENT OFF THE AMERICAN 
 COAST. 
 
 Among the American instances of the Sea- 
 Serpent being seen, we have the report pub- 
 lished by the Linnsean Society of New Eng- 
 land, from which we learn that the Sea- Serpent 
 was seen several times during the month 
 of August, 1817, by many persons off the 
 harbour of Gloucester, thirty miles from 
 Boston ; and their affidavits were carefully 
 collected by the Society, through General 
 Humphreys, who transmitted them to the 
 late Sir "Joseph Banks; one cf the eye- 
 witnesses and deponents being a member of 
 the committee of the Lirmasan Society, and 
 another a clergyman. The result of this tes- 
 timony is, that the animal was of great 
 length, estimates varying from 80 to 120 
 feet, of serpentiform shape, moving through 
 the water with great rapid it}', displaying the 
 characteristic protuberances on the surface, 
 the head comparatively small, resembling a 
 horse’s, and the colour dark. One of the 
 deponents fired a ball at it, at the distance of 
 only ,30 feet. Neither mane, gills, fins, nor 
 blow-holes are mentioned. It was seen only 
 in cairn, settled weather. 
 
 In August, 1819, the same creature, or one 
 of its -species, was seen off Nahant, Boston, 
 during four weeks, by numerous persons; 
 the folds or protuberances were again re- 
 marked; also, the frequent elevation of the 
 head out of the water. The eye was noted 
 as remarkably brilliant and glistening; the 
 motion of the body undulatory, making 
 curves perpendicular to the surface, and 
 giving the appearance of a long moving 
 string of corks : the water was smooth, and 
 weather calm and serene. Another notice 
 appearsj in 1833, of the Sea-Serpent having 
 been seen in that year, also off Nahant, by 
 forty or fifty persons at a time. 
 
 The last instance we have met with of its ap - 
 pearance on the American coast, is contained 
 in Silliman’? Journal of Science for 1835. It is 
 to the effect that the captain and crew of an 
 American brig, on her passage from Boston to 
 New Orleans, in March or April of that year, 
 when nine or ten miles off Race Point light- 
 house, distinctly saw the Sea-Serpent, near 
 enough to be visible to the naked eye. The 
 creature raised its head (the size of a barrel) 
 seven or eight feet above the surface, and had 
 the appearance of a mane on its neck ; it was 
 very long ; its motion in the water resembled 
 that of a snake ; and every time it put its 
 head out of the water, it made a noise similar 
 to the blowing off of steam. One of the 
 crew had seen the animal which appeared off 
 Nahant two years before, and declared this to 
 be the same. 
 
 m 2 
 
164 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 ORIGIN OF REFLECTING LIGHTHOUSES. 
 
 In the last century, at a meeting of a society 
 of mathematicians at Liverpool, one of the 
 members proposed to lay a wager, that he 
 would read a paragraph of a newspaper, at 
 ten yards’ distance, with the light of a 
 farthing candle. The wager was laid, and 
 the proposer, having covered the inside of a 
 wooden dish with pieces of looking-glass, 
 fastened in with glazier’3 putty, placed his 
 reflector behind the candle, and won his 
 wager. One of the company marked this 
 experiment with a philosophic eye. This 
 was Captain Hutchinson, the dockmaster, 
 with whom originated the first reflecting 
 lighthouse, erected at Liverpool in 1763. 
 
 CHARLES PHILLIPS’S SKETCH OF CURRAN. 
 
 Mr. Charles Phillips, in his “Life of 
 Curran,” gives the following characteristic 
 account of a visit to his friend : — “ I caught 
 the first glimpse of the little man through 
 the vista of his garden. There he was — on a 
 third time afterwards I saw him in a dress 
 which you would imagine he had borrowed 
 from his tipstaff ; his hands in his sides ; his 
 under lip protruded ; his face almost parallel 
 with the horizon — and the important step, 
 and the eternal attitude only varied by the 
 pause during which his eye glanced from his 
 guest to his watch, and from his watch re- 
 proachfully to his dining-room. It was an 
 invariable peculiarity — one second after four 
 o’clock, and he would not wait for the 
 Viceroy. The moment he perceived me he 
 took me by the hand; said he would not 
 have any one introduce me; and, with a 
 manner which I often thought was charmed , 
 at once banished every apprehension, and 
 completely familiarised me at the Priory. I 
 had often seen Curran — often heard him — 
 often read him ; but no man ever knew any- 
 thing about him who did not see him at his 
 own table, with the few whom he selected. 
 He was a little convivial deity ; he soared in 
 every region, and was at home in all — he 
 touched everything, and seemed as if he 
 had created it; he mastered the human 
 heart with the same ease that he did his 
 violin. You wept and you laughed and you 
 wondered ; and the wonderful creature who 
 made you do all at will, never let it appear 
 that he was more than your equal, and was 
 quite willing, if you chose, to become your 
 auditor. It is said of Swift that his rule was 
 to allow a minute’s pause after he had con- 
 cluded, and then, if no person took up the con- 
 versation, to recommence himself. Curran had 
 no conversational rule whatever : he spoke 
 from impulse, and he had the art so to draw 
 you into a participation, that, though you 
 felt an inferiority, it was quite a contented 
 on8. Indeed, nothing could exceed the ur- 
 banity of his demeanour. At the time I 
 spoke of he was turned sixty, yet he was as 
 playful as a child. The extremes of youth 
 and age were met in him : he had the ex- 
 perience of the one, and the simplicity of the 
 other.” 
 
 LORD LOUGHBOROUGH AND GEORGE UL 
 
 After Lord Loughborough was made an 
 Earl, with the title of Rosslyn, and thus laid 
 on the shelf, as a last move, he retired to a 
 villa remarkable for its want of all beauty and 
 all comforts, but recommended by its near 
 neighbourhood to Windsor Castle, where the 
 former Chancellor was seen dancing a ridi- 
 culous attendance upon Royalty, unnoticed by 
 the object of his suit, and marked only by 
 the jeering and motley crowd that frequented 
 the terrace. For three years he lived in this 
 state of public neglect, without the virtue to 
 employ his remaining faculties in his country’s 
 service, by parliamentary attendance, or the 
 manliness to use them for his own protection 
 and aggrandisement. When he died, after a 
 few hours’ illness, the intelligence was brought 
 to the King, who, with a circumspection 
 abundantly characteristic, asked the bearer 
 of it if he was quite sure of the fact, as Lord 
 Rosslyn had not been ailing before ; and, upon 
 being assured that a sudden attack of gout 
 in the stomach had really ended the days of 
 his late servant and once assiduous courtier, 
 his Majesty was graciously pleased to ex- 
 claim, “Then he has not left a worse man 
 behind him.” 
 
 WIT OF SIR WM. SCOTT (LORD STOWELL). 
 
 When some sudden and somewhat violent 
 changes of opinion were imputed to a learned 
 Judge, who was always jocosely termed Mrs. 
 
 , “Varium et mutabile semper femina,” 
 
 was Sir William Scott’s remark. A celebrated 
 physician having said, somewhat more flip- 
 pantly than beseemed the gravity of his cloth, 
 “ Oh, you know, Sir William, after forty, a 
 man is always either a fool or a physician !” 
 “ Mayn’t he be both, Doctor ?” was the arch 
 rejoinder — with a most arch leer, and an in- 
 sinuating voice half drawled out. “ A vicar 
 was once,” said his Lordship, “ presiding at 
 the dinner of the Admiralty Sessions, so 
 wearied out with his parish- clerk oonfining 
 himself to the 100th Psalm, that he remon- 
 strated, and insisted upon a variety, which 
 the man promised; but, old habit proving 
 too strong for him, the old words ivere, as 
 usual, given out next Sunday — ‘ All people 
 that on earth do dwell.’ Upon this the vicar's 
 temper could hold out no longer, and, jutting 
 his head over the desk, he cried, ‘Damn all 
 people that on earth do dwell !’ — a very com- 
 pendious form of anethema,” added the 
 learned chief of the Spiritual Court. As 
 Sir William Scott could imagine nothing 
 better than the existing state of any given 
 thing, he could see only peril and hazard 
 in the search for anything new; and with 
 him it was quite enough to characterise a 
 measure as “ a mere novelty,” to deter him 
 at once from entertaining it — a phrase of 
 which Mr. Speaker Abbot, with some humour, 
 once took advantage to say, when asked by 
 his friend what that mass of papers might be, 
 pointing to the huge bundle of the acts of a 
 single session, “Mere novelties, Sir William 
 — mere novelties.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 165 
 
 INGENIOUS DEFENCE. 
 
 At a celebrated watering-place, a man was 
 fined five shillings and costs for being found 
 in a state of inebriation ; when he made an 
 elaborate appeal to their worships (the 
 Bench) in mitigation of damages , founded 
 upon the extreme hardship he had undergone 
 in being fined four several times for the same 
 off mice ! 
 
 ROY Ali WIG. 
 
 Mr. P., a gentleman of Berkshire, and 
 M.P. for Reading, once dammed the Royal 
 wig in the very presence of George III. ; 
 with great credit, however, to his own 
 loyalty, and very much to the amusement of 
 the King. The King was out a- hunting; 
 
 P was in, and of, the field ; the King’s 
 
 horse fell ; the King was thrown from the 
 saddle, and his hat and wig were thrown to 
 a little distance from him; he got on his 
 feet again immediately, and began to look 
 about for the hat and wig, which he did not 
 
 readily see, being short-sighted. P , 
 
 very much alarmed by the accident, rides up 
 in great haste and arrives at the moment 
 when the King is peering about and saying 
 to the attendants, “ Where’s my wig ? 
 
 where’s my wig ? P cries out, “ D — n 
 
 your wig ! is your Majesty safe ? ” 
 
 paley’s sermons. 
 
 Paley preached a sermon at Lincoln for the 
 benefit of a charity school. In the course of 
 this sermon he related, in familiar but suffi- 
 ciently dignified language, a story of a man 
 who, giving evidence on a trial respecting 
 some prescriptive right claimed by the trus- 
 tees of the charity, was browbeaten by the 
 questioning counsel : — “ I suppose the fact to 
 which you swear happened when you were 
 a charity boy, and used to go to school 
 there ? ” The witness calmly replied, “ I was 
 a charity-boy; and all the good tint has be- 
 fallen me in life has arisen from the educa- 
 tion I received at that school.” Paley drew 
 hence an argument in favour of the institu- 
 tion for which he pleaded. The whole dis- 
 course pleased his auditors, and a deputation 
 waited on him to request he would print it. 
 “ Gentlemen, I thank you for the compliment ; 
 but I must give the same answer that I have 
 given on other like occasions ; and that an- 
 swer is — The tap is out.” “ The Archbishop 
 of York,” said he, speaking of a late primate, 
 “preached one day at Carlisle; I was present, 
 and felt muzzy and half asleep; when on a 
 sudden I was roused, and began to prick up 
 my ears ; and what should I hear but a whole 
 page of one of my own books quoted word 
 tor word ; and this without the least acknow- 
 ledgement, though it was a ‘ white bear f a 
 passage that is often quoted and well knowm.” 
 “ Now,” said Dr. Milner, Dean of Carlisle, 
 who related the anecdote, “ guess what in- 
 ference Paley drew from this plagiarism. No ; 
 if that court were full of people, not one of 
 them would be able to guess : it was this — ‘ I 
 suppose the archbishop’s wife makes his 
 grace’s sermons for him.’ ” 
 
 learning french. 
 
 When Brummell was obliged, “ by money, 
 debt, and all that,” to retire to Fi ance, he 
 knew no French; and, having obtained a 
 grammar for the purpose of study*, Scrope 
 Davies was asked, what progress the beau 
 had made in French : he replied that 
 
 “Brummell had been stopped, like Bona- 
 parte in Russia, by the elements .” 
 
 franklin’s grave. 
 
 Capt. Basil Hall, in his “ Travels in North 
 America,” says : — “ On the 12th of December 
 we made a pilgrimage to the tomb of 
 Franklin — dear old Franklin! It consists of 
 a large marble slab, laid flat on the ground, 
 witli nothing carved upon it but these 
 words : — 
 
 BENJAMIN ) _ , 
 
 i I FRANKLIN 
 
 and f 1790 
 
 DEBORAH J 
 
 Franklin, it will be recollected, wrote a 
 humourous epitaph for himself; but his good 
 taste and good sense showed him how un- 
 suitable to his living character it w*ould have 
 been to jest in such a place. After all, his 
 literary works, scientific fame, and his un- 
 doubted patriotism form his best epitaph. 
 Still it may be thought, he might have been 
 distinguished in his own land by a more 
 honourable resting place than the obscure 
 comer of an obscure burying-ground, where 
 his bones lie indiscriminately along with 
 those of ordinary mortals; and his tomb, 
 already well nigh hid in the rubbish, may 
 soon be altogether lost. One little circum- 
 stance, however, about this spot is very 
 striking. No regular path has been made to 
 the grave, which lies considerably out of the 
 road ; but the frequent tread of visitors 
 having pressed down the rank grass which 
 grows in such places, the way to the tomb- 
 stone is readily found without any guide.” 
 
 ERRORS OF THE PRESS, BY A REPORTER. 
 
 I once had occasion to report, that a cer- 
 tain “ noble Lord was confined to his house 
 with a violent cold. Next morning, I found 
 his Lordsbip represented to be “ confined with 
 a violent scold!” In the same way, on the 
 occasion of a recent enteitainment, I had said 
 “that the first point of attraction and admi- 
 ration were her Ladyship’s looks;” this com- 
 pliment was transferred by* the printer to her 
 “ Ladyship' s cooks /” My* praises of the “ In- 
 fant Lyra” were converted to a panegyric 
 on the “ infant lyar” In an account of Ge- 
 neral Saldanha’s conduct at Oporto, I observed 
 that he “ behaved like a hero,” while the 
 printer made it appear that he “ behaved tike 
 a hare.” “ We,” says the John Bull, “ often 
 suffer in this way. About two years since, we 
 represented Mr. Peel as having joined a 
 party of fiends in Hampshire for the purpose 
 of shooting peasants ; and only last week, in 
 a Scotch paper, we saw it gravely stated that 
 a surgeon was taken alive in the river, and 
 sold to the inhabitants at 6d. and lOd. per 
 pound.” 
 
166 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 NELSON AND BECKFORD. 
 
 Lord Nelson was on a visit at Mr. Beck- 
 ford’s, in Grosvenor-square, at a time of 
 general scarcity, when persons in every rank 
 of life denied themselves the use of that 
 necessary article of food, bread, at dinner, 
 and were content, for the sake of example, 
 with such vegetables as the season afforded. 
 Lord Nelson, however, contrary to the es- 
 tablished etiquette of the dinner-table, 
 called for bread, and was respectfully in- 
 formed by one of the servants in waiting, 
 that, in consequence of the scarcity of wheat, 
 bread was wholly dispensed with at the 
 dinner-table of Mr. Beckford. Nelson looked 
 angry ; and, desiring his own attendant 
 to be called, he drew forth a shilling from 
 his pocket, and commanded him to go 
 out and purchase him a loaf ; observing, 
 that, after having fought for his bread, he 
 thought it hard that his countrj'men should 
 deny it to him. 
 
 HEAD WAGER. 
 
 The following is a story from a MS., copied 
 by Guillard, in his life of Francis I. : — 
 Duprat said in one of the conversations with 
 the Emperor’s minister, that he would con- 
 sent to lose his head if his sovereign had 
 aided Robert de la Mark against Charles. 
 The Spanish Chancellor claimed Duprat’s 
 head as forfeited, for he said he had in his 
 possession letters which proved Francis’s con- 
 nivance with Robert de la Mark. “ My head 
 is my own yet,” replied Duprat, “ for I 
 have the originals of the letters you allude 
 to, and they in no manner justify the scorn 
 you would put upon them.” “If I had won 
 your head,” replied the Imperial Chancellor, 
 “ you might keep it still. I protest I Avould 
 rather have a pig’s head, for that would be 
 more eatable.” 
 
 A PUNSTER. 
 
 Doctor Barton was a punster. He said, 
 
 “ The fellows of my college wished to have an 
 organ in the chapel, but I put a stop to it.” 
 Whether for the sake of the pun, or because 
 he disliked music, is uncertain. 
 
 He invited, for the love of punning, Mr. 
 Crow r e and Mr. Rooke to dine with him ; and 
 having given Mr. Birdmore, another guest, a 
 hint to be rather after the time, on his ap- 
 pearing, said, “ Mr. Rooke ! Mr. Crowe ! I 
 beg leave to introduce one Bird, tnore!” 
 
 He married his niece to a gentleman of the 
 hopeful name of Buckle. The enterprise 
 succeeded beyond his expectation. Mrs. 
 Buckle was delivered of twins. “ A pair of 
 Buckles !” “ Boys or girls?” said a congra- 
 tulating friend: the answer may be sup- 
 
 posed. 
 
 To him, though it has been attributed to 
 others, belongs the glory or the shame of 
 having said to one, Avho, having re-established 
 his health by a diet of milk and eggs, took a 
 wife : “ So, you have been egged on to ma- 
 trimony : 1 hope the yoke wdl sit easy on 
 you.” 
 
 BULL, AND NO BULL. 
 
 “I was going,” said an Irishman, “over 
 Westminster- bridge, the other day, and I 
 met Pat Hewing. ‘ Hewins,’ said I, ‘ how 
 are you!’ ‘Pretty well,” says he, ‘thank 
 you, Donnelly.’ ‘ Donnelly !’ says I, ‘ that’s 
 not my name.’ * Faith, no more is mine 
 HeAvins,’ says he. So we looked at each other 
 again, and sure it turned out to be neither of 
 us — and where’s the bull of that, now?” 
 
 HOOK ANSWERED. 
 
 Theodore Hook, in passing along Coventry- 
 street, one night, where a sewer Avas being 
 repaired, looked down into the cavity, cal ling 
 out to the workmen, “ What are you about? 
 What are you looking for?” The men at 
 the bottom being much engaged, and not 
 caring to answer Hook’s repeated calls, re- 
 plied, “ We are looking for a seven -shilling 
 piece, which, perhaps, you want more than 
 we do,” to the no small amusement of the 
 by-standers. 
 
 A COMPARISON. 
 
 Lord Brougham now and then relapses into 
 a Bar recollection. The following is his best, 
 and, as such, is his most frequent story. It is 
 a happy instance of the elucidation of facts in 
 court : — 
 
 During the assizes, in a case of assault and 
 battery, where a stone had been thrown by 
 the defendant, the following clear and con- 
 clusive evidence was drawn out of a York- 
 shireman : — 
 
 “ Did you see the defendant throw the 
 stone?” “ I saav a stone, and I’ze pretty 
 sure the defendant throived it.'” 
 
 “ Was it a large stone?” “ I should say 
 it wur a largeish stone.” 
 
 “ What was its size ?” “ I should say a 
 sizeable stone.” 
 
 “ Can’t you answer definitely how big it 
 Avas ?” “I should say it ivur a stone of some 
 bigness?” 
 
 “ Can’t you give the jury some idea of 
 the stone?” “ Why, as near as I recollect, 
 it wur something of a stone.” 
 
 “ Can’t you compare it to some other 
 object?” “ Why, if I wur to compare it, so 
 as to give some notion of the stone, I should 
 say it wur as large as a lump of chalk !” 
 
 DR. WILLIAMS AND THE HOESE-EYE WATER. 
 
 The Louisville Journal tells us a good 
 story of Dr. Williams's practice in Cincin- 
 nati. The oculist, according to that paper, 
 has tivo bottles of eye-water, the one to 
 make human, and the other to make horse, 
 eyes. It happened that, while in Cincinnati, 
 application Avas made to the oculist by a man 
 AVith one eye, who had a horse in the same 
 condition. As he desired a cure for both, the 
 doctor took his tAvo bottles Avith him, but, 
 unfortunately, through some strange mistake, 
 changed them. The consequence Avas, that 
 a horse-eye soon made its appearance in the 
 man’s head, and a human eye in the horse’s. 
 The whole town became so exasperated, that 
 the doctor had to leave forthwith. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 167 
 
 EARLY profligacy. 
 
 Sir Boyle Roche, the blunderer, rose one 
 day in the Irish House of Commons, and 
 said, with a more serious and grave air than 
 usual : “ Mr. Speaker, the profligacy of the 
 times is such, Mr. Speaker, that little chil- 
 dren, who can neither walk nor talk, may be 
 seen running about the streets cursing their 
 Maker.” 
 
 SAFE MINISTRY. 
 
 Mr. Windham made a capital simile on 
 the state of the Ministry, soon after the 
 Whigs had seen Percival fixed in power by 
 the Prince Regent : — ■“ We waste powder and 
 shot upon them,” said he ; “ they are like 
 wild-fowl in a lake : we may knock them 
 down fast enough, but the difficulty is to get 
 them out.” 
 
 ADDISONIANA. 
 
 Mr. Tyers, in “A Historical Essay on 
 Mr. Addison,” printed, but not published, has 
 mentioned some facts concerning him, with 
 which we were not before acquainted. These 
 are, that he was laid out for dead as soon as 
 he was born ; that when he addressed his 
 verses on the English poets to Henry Sache- 
 verel, he courted that gentleman’s sister; 
 that whenever Jacob Tonson came to him 
 for the “ Spectator,” “ Bayle’s French His- 
 torical and Critical Dictionary ” la} 7 always 
 open before him ; that upon his return to 
 England, after his travels, he discharged 
 some old debts he had contracted at Oxford, 
 with the generosity of good interest ; that 
 he was put into plentiful circumstances by 
 the death of a brother in the East Indies ; 
 that having received encouragement from a 
 married lady, of whom he had been formerly 
 enamoured, "he had the integrity to resist the 
 temptation; that he refused a gratification 
 of a three hundred pounds bank-note, and 
 afterwards of a diamond ring of the same 
 value, from a Major Dunbar, whom he had 
 endeavoured to serve in Ireland by his in- 
 terest with Lord Sunderland ; and that his 
 daughter by Lady Warwick died unmarried, 
 residing at Bilton, near Rugby, and possess- 
 ing an income of more than twelve hundred 
 a year. 
 
 Addison and Mr. Temple Stanyan were 
 very intimate. In the familiar conversations 
 which passed between them, they were ac- 
 customed freely to dispute each other’s 
 opinions. Upon some occasion Mr. Addison 
 lent Mr. Stanyan five hundred pounds. After 
 this Mr. Stanyan behaved with a timid re- 
 serve, deference, and respect ; not conversing 
 with the same freedom as formerly, or can- 
 vassing his friend’s sentiments. This gave 
 great uneasiness to Mr. Addison. One day 
 they happened to fall upon a subject on 
 which Mr. Stanyan had always been used 
 strenuously to oppose his opinion. But even 
 upon this occasion he gave way to what his 
 friend advanced, without interposing his 
 own view of the matter. This hurt Mr. 
 Addison so much, that he said to Mr. Stan- 
 yan, “ Either contradict me or pay me the 
 money.” 
 
 A SETTLER. 
 
 Lord Norbury was one day interrupted in 
 his charge to the jury by the loud braying of 
 a donkey in the street of the assize town. 
 “What’s that?” asked his Lordship. Mr. 
 Parsons (with whom his Lordship had just 
 had a fiery flare-up) rose, and gravely 
 assured him that it was merely “ the echo of 
 the Court." 
 
 WITCHCRAFT. 
 
 There is a record in the parish register of 
 Tannadice, near Forfar, of the closing of the 
 church on a certain Sunday, because the mi- 
 nister had to go elsewhere to superintend 
 the burning of a witch. 
 
 ACQUAINTANCE. 
 
 Never say “ How is your wife, your hus- 
 band, your mother, your grandmother ?” &c. ; 
 
 but “ How is Mr. or Mrs. , Lord or Lady 
 
 ?” Two of the strangest offenders 
 
 against this rule were Nollekens the sculp- 
 tor, and Delpini the clown. Nollekens, in- 
 variably asked George III., when a sitting 
 commenced, how his “ wife and family” 
 were doing ? and Delpini thus addressed 
 the late Duke of York, in the hope of in- 
 ducing him to intercede with Sheridan for 
 the payment of his salary : — “ Sare, if he no 
 pay me soon, I shall be put in your papa’s 
 Bench,” meaning the King’s Bench Prison. 
 It was Delpini, by the way, who, during the 
 Gordon riots, when people, to protect them- 
 selves against the mob, chalked “No Pcpery” 
 on their doors, by way of greater security, 
 chalked “ No Religion ” upon his. 
 
 ANNOUNCING NAMES. 
 
 Have your name clearly announced, and 
 it will be prudent to take care that the ser- 
 vants make no mistake regarding it. The 
 mishap that, as we read, befell a certain Mr. 
 Delaflete, in London, may serve to illustrate 
 the consequence of want of caution in this 
 respect. From the indistinct mode of pro- 
 nouncing his name, the porter understood it 
 to be JDelaflote, and so proclaimed it to the 
 groom of the chambers, who, somehow or 
 other, mistook the initial letter of the name, 
 and the luckless visitor, a quiet, shy, re- 
 served young man, was actually ushered into 
 the midst of a crowded drawingroom by the 
 ominous appellation of Mr. Helaflote. On 
 the other hand, do not be too precise in 
 your instructions, or you may be placed in 
 the predicament of Lady A. and her daugh- 
 ter, who having been much annoyed by the 
 gaucheries of a country booby of a servant, 
 who would persevere in giving in their names 
 as the Right Honourable Lady A. and the 
 Honourable Miss A., at length took him se- 
 riously to task, and desired that in future he 
 would mention them as simple Lady A. and 
 plain Miss A. Their astonishment may be 
 conceived when they found themselves 
 obeyed to the letter — and Devonshire House 
 was electrified by the intelligence that 
 Simple Lady A. and Plain Mias A. were 
 “ coming up.” 
 
168 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 HINT TAKEN. 
 
 Voltaire, after being on terms of friendship 
 with the King of Prussia, owing to his wit, 
 gave some offence; when the King said to 
 some of his courtiers — “ When we squeeze 
 the orange and have sucked the juice, we 
 throw the rest away.” “ Then,” said Vol- 
 taire, “ I must take care of the peel,” and quit- 
 ted his Prussian Majesty’s dominions. 
 
 POLITENESS OP GEORGE IV. 
 
 It is related of George IV., when Prince 
 of Wales, that he was once observed to bow 
 to every one in the street who saluted him, 
 till he came to the man who swept the cross- 
 ing, whom he passed without notice. The 
 question, whether he was right in making 
 this exception, has been gravely discussed, 
 and decided in the Prince’s favour : — “ To sa- 
 lute a beggar without giving him anything, 
 would be a mockery, and to stop for the 
 purpose of bestowing a sixpence would wear 
 the semblance of ostentation in a prince.” 
 
 BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER. 
 
 The Duke of Northumberland, when first 
 he called to see Mr. Bewick’s workshops at 
 Newcastle, was not personally known to the 
 engraver; yet he showed him his birds, 
 blocks, and drawings, as he did to all, with 
 the greatest liberality and cheerfulness ; but, 
 on discovering the high rank of his visitor, 
 exclaimed, “ I beg pardon, my Lord, I did 
 not know your Grace, and was unaware I 
 had the honour of talking to so great a man.” 
 To which the Duke good-humouredly replied, 
 “ You are a much greater man than I am, 
 Mr„ Bewick.” To this Bewick, with his 
 ready wit that never failed or offended, re- 
 turned, “ No, my Lord ; but were I Duke of 
 Northumberland, perhaps I could be.” 
 
 STEAM- BOAT RACING. 
 
 Sir Charles Lyell, when in the United 
 States, received the following advice from 
 a friend : — “ When you are racing with an 
 opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the 
 other passengers are cheering the captain, 
 who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it 
 down with his weight, go as far as you can 
 from the engine, and lose no time, especially 
 if you hear the captain exclaim ‘ Pire up, 
 boys ; put on the resin !’ Should a servant 
 call out, ‘Those gentlemen who have not 
 paid their passage will please to go to the 
 ladies’ cabin, obey the summons without a 
 moment’s delay, for then an explosion may 
 be apprehended.’ ‘ Why to the ladies’ cabin,’ 
 said I. ‘ Because it is the safe end of the 
 boat, and they are getting anxious for the 
 personal security of those who have not yet 
 paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent 
 about the rest. Therefore never pay in 
 advance ; for should you fall overboard during 
 a race, and the watctx cries out to the captain, 
 
 ‘ A passenger overboard,’ he will ask, ‘ Has 
 he paid his passage?’ and if he receives an 
 answer in the affirmative, he will call out 
 ‘ Go ahead.’ ” 
 
 CAUSE AND EFFECT. 
 
 A Siamese chief, hearing an Englishman 
 expatiate upon the magnitude of our navy, 
 and afterwards say that England was at peace, 
 coolly observed, “ If you are at peace with all 
 the world, why do you keep up so great a 
 navy?” The very fact of the greatness of 
 the navy maintains peace. 
 
 RIDING. 
 
 A man about town, who, from his tall 
 stature, obtained the soubriquet of “ Long,” 
 complained to Scrope Davies, that, in riding, 
 he had a stitch in his side. “ I don’t wonder 
 at it,” said Scrope, “for you ride like a 
 tailor.” 
 
 WHIST. 
 
 Dr. George Horne having engaged in a 
 party at whist, merely because he was wanted 
 to make up the number, and playing in- 
 differently ill, as he forewarned his partner 
 would be the case, he replied to the angry 
 question, “ What reason could you possibly 
 have for playing that card?” “None upon 
 earth, I assure you.’ - 
 
 burke’s visit to bedlam. 
 
 While Burke was making preparations for 
 the indictment before the House of Lords of 
 Warren Hastings, Governor-General of India, 
 he was told that a person who had long re- 
 sided in the East Indies, but who was then 
 an inmate of Bedlam, could supply him with 
 much useful information. Burke went ac- 
 cordingly to Bedlam, was taken to the cell 
 of the maniac, and received from him, in a 
 long, rational, and well-conducted conversa- 
 tion, the results of much aud various know- 
 ledge and experience in Indian affairs, and 
 much instruction for the process then in- 
 tended. On leaving the cell, Burke told the 
 keeper who attended him that the poor man 
 whom he had just visited was most iniqui- 
 tously practised upon; for that he was* as 
 much in his senses as man could be. The 
 keeper assured him that there was sufficient 
 warranty and very good cause for his con- 
 finement. Burke,* with wh»t a man in office 
 once called “Irish impetuosity,” known to be 
 one of Burke’s characteristics, insisted that 
 it was an infamous affair, threatened to make 
 the affair public, or even bring it before Parlia- 
 ment. The keeper then said, “ Sir, I should 
 be sorry for you to leave this house under a 
 false impression : before you do so, be pleased 
 to step back to the poor gentleman’s cell, 
 and ask him what he had for breakfast.” 
 Burke could not refuse compliance with a 
 request so reasonable and easily performed. 
 
 “ Pray, sir,” said he to his Indian counsellor, 
 
 “ be so obliging as to tell me what you had for 
 breakfast.” The other, immediately putting 
 on the wild stare of the maniac, cried out, 
 
 “ Hobnails, sir ! It is shameful to think how 
 they treat us! They give us nothing but 
 hobnails !” and went ou with a “ descant 
 wild” on the horrors of the cookery of Beth- 
 lehem Hospital. Burke staid no longer than 
 that his departure might not seem abrupt. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 1G9 
 
 ROYAL RESIDENCES. 
 
 Carlton House, the residence of the Prince 
 of Wales, afterwards George the Fourth, was 
 distinguished by a row of pillars in front ; 
 and York House, Whitehall, the residence of 
 his brother, by a circular court, serving as a 
 kind of entrance-hall, which still remains, and 
 may be seen from the street. These two build- 
 ings being described to Lord North, who was 
 blind in the latter part of his life, be face- 
 tiously remarked : “ Then the Duke of York, 
 it should seem, has been sent to the Round 
 House, and the Prince of Wales put in the 
 Pillory.” 
 
 PROMISING TOAST. 
 
 Marylebone Gardens and bowling-green, 
 in the last century, were frequented by the 
 high rank and fashion of the town. Lady 
 Mary Wortley Montague alludes to the fond- 
 ness of Sheffield, Duke of Buckingham, for 
 this place : — 
 
 “ Some Dukes at Marybone bowl time away.” 
 
 Here, at the end of the season, as Quin told 
 Pennant, the Duke gave a dinner to the chief 
 frequenters of the place, drinking the toast 
 which he thought appropriate, “May as 
 many of us as remain unchanged next spring 
 meet here again.” 
 
 federoff’s steam-engine. 
 
 Michael Yassily Federoff, a young man 
 twenty-five years of age, and a native of 
 Selstc, a village in the circle of Ladoga, 
 arrived in July, 1837, at St. Petersburg!), in 
 a steam-boat of his own construction — “ re- 
 lying,” as he himself expressed it, “ on that 
 God who had enlightened his mind.” 
 
 From his earliest youth, Federoff, who had 
 never moved out of the village, evinced the 
 most decided love of mechanics. When twelve 
 years old, his father excited bis eager curio- 
 sity by the accounts which he gave him of 
 the steam- vessels he had seen in St. Peters- 
 burgh ; but he could not obtain any further 
 information than that these vessels were set 
 in motion by means of wheels, which were 
 impelled by a machine somewhat similar to 
 a tea-kettle. The boy instantly recollected 
 that he had seen a kettle in the priest’s house, 
 and ran away to ascertain in what manner 
 the steam made its escape from it. Upon re- 
 turning home he set to work, and converted 
 a ca3k into a sort of kettle, the steam from 
 which he applied to the turning of the wings 
 of a little windmill which he had constructed. 
 By minutely observing the various effects of 
 the steam, "he advanced step by step in his 
 discoveries, until, having at length contrived 
 to produce a rotary motion, he imagined 
 that he had found out the secret of construct- 
 ing a steam-vessel. After the decease of his 
 father, he wept to St. Petersburgh for the 
 purpose of prying into the internal mechanism 
 of one of those vessels, but this he was not 
 permitted to do : he returned home, there- 
 fore, without seeing anything beyond their 
 exterior. He succeeded, however, with the 
 aid of a copper-smith in the village, in 
 
 making the boiler which impelled his little 
 craft ; it was totally different from any of the 
 boilers now in use, and that not more than 
 one- third of a horse’s power. 
 
 ADVICE TO AN AUTHOR. 
 
 A learned doctor having printed two heavy 
 volumes of “Natural History,” a friend re- 
 marked to him that his publication was, in 
 several particulars, extremely erroneous ; and 
 when the other defended his volumes, re- 
 plied, “ Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of 
 the peace?” “I am, sir,” was the reply. 
 “ Why, then, sir,” added his critic, “ I ad- 
 vise you to send your work where you send 
 your vagrants to, that is, to the house of cor- 
 rection.” 
 
 MAYORALTY READING. 
 
 Many years ago, before the besom of Cor- 
 poration Reform had swept out the country 
 boroughs, a barber of East Retford, Notts, 
 had thrust upon him the greatness of being 
 elected mayor of the place. The schoolmaster 
 was not then abroad, and the tonsor was far 
 from being at home in his letters ; the ear- 
 liest official business had well nigh put his 
 worship to the blush. At the first public 
 meeting he was about to read a document in 
 due form, when a friend, standing next to hi& 
 worship, gently reminded him^that he held 
 the paper upside down. “Nonsense!” re- 
 plied he, in all Ihe plenitude of corporation 
 assurance, “has not the mayor of East 
 Retford the right to read whichever way he 
 pleases? ” 
 
 BLOW YOUR NOSE. 
 
 Sir William Chere had a very long nose, 
 and was playing at backgammon with old 
 General Brown : during this time, Sir Wil- 
 liam, who was a snuff-taker, was continually 
 using his snuff-box, seldom making the ap- 
 plication necessary to keep pace with his 
 indulgence. Observing him leaning con- 
 tinually over the table, and being at the 
 same time in a very bad humour with the 
 game, the General said, “ Sir William, blow 
 your nose.” “ Blow it yourself, ” said Sir 
 William. “ ’tis as near you as me !” 
 
 THE PRICE OF POSSESSIONS. 
 
 A friend from childhood of Marshal Lefevre, 
 Duke of Dantzic, who had not run so bril- 
 liant a career as himself, came to see him at 
 Paris: the Marshal received him warmly, 
 and lodged him in his hotel, when the friend 
 could not cease his exclamations upon the 
 richness of the furniture, the beauty of the 
 apartments, and the goodness of the table, 
 always adding, “Oh! how happy are you!” 
 “I see you are envious of what I have,”" 
 said the Marshal; “well, you shall have 
 these things at a better bargain than I had r 
 come into the court, I’ll fire at you with a 
 gun twenty times, at thirty paces, and, if I 
 
 don’t kill you, all shall be your own 
 
 What! you won’t? Very well; recollect, 
 then, that I had been shot at more than a 
 thousand times, and much nearer, before I 
 arrived where you find me.” 
 
170 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK 
 
 bunyan’s escapes. 
 
 Bunyan had some providental escapes dur- 
 ing his early life. Once, he fell into a creek 
 of the sea, once out of a boat into the river 
 Ouse, near Bedford, and each time he was 
 narrowly saved from drowning. One day, an 
 adder crossed his path. He stunned it with 
 a stick, then forced open its mouth with a 
 stick and plucked out the tongue, which he 
 supposed to be the sting, with his fingers; 
 
 “ by which act,” he says, “ had not God been 
 merciful unto me, I might, by my desperate- 
 ness, have brought myself to an end ” If 
 this, indeed, were an adder, and not a harm- 
 less snake, his escape from the fangs was more 
 remarkable than he himself was aware of. 
 A circumstance, which was likely to impress 
 him more deeply, occurred in the eighteenth 
 year of his age, when, being a soldier in the 
 Parliament’s army, he was drawn out to go 
 to the siege of Leicester, in 1645. One of the 
 same company wished to go in his stead; 
 Bunyan consented to exchange with him, 
 and this volunteer substitute, standing senti- 
 nel one day at the siege, was shot through 
 the head with a musket-ball. “This risk,” 
 Sir Walter Scott observes, “ was one some- 
 what resembling the escape of Sir Roger de 
 Coverley, in an action at Worcester, who was 
 saved from the slaughter of that action, by 
 having been absent from the field.” — Southey. 
 
 OPERA-HOUSE SPECULATION. 
 
 The history of Edward Thomas Delafield, 
 as related in the Court of Bankruptcy, fur- 
 nishes as beautiful an illustration of the way 
 in which inexperienced young men are 
 ruined in London as any moralist could de- 
 sire. Mr. Delafield resembled Louis Napoleon 
 in one very important particular — he had an 
 uncle. That amiable relative died some 
 twenty years ago, leaving £100,000 to his 
 nephew, then a child. In due time the 
 wealthy minor went to Oxford. Having 
 finished his studies, he embarked his 
 £100,000 in the brewery of Combe, Delafield, 
 and Co., about the latter end of 1845. His 
 income during the two years he was a 
 brewer would have been about £7500 a year, 
 had he been content with what his capital 
 produced, in the shape of interest at 5 per 
 cent., and profits to the extent of £2500 per 
 annum. But this moderate amount was not 
 sufficient for his liberal style of expenditure. 
 The rent of his house in Belgrave- square, 
 including what he paid for stables, was 
 £1095 ; and, in good keeping with this, the 
 wear and tear of horses, carriages, and har- 
 ness amounted to £2873. The expenses in 
 Brighton, in 1846, were £973; not to speak 
 of keep of horses, wages of coachmen and 
 grooms, £2303; apparel of servants and 
 liveries, £1251 ; wages of butler, gardeners, 
 and ethers, £1364; hotel expenses, £834 ; or 
 the somewhat large item of £4368, which 
 was set down in the balance-sheet as “ pri- i 
 vate expenditure.” But the mere living in 
 this expensive manner would not have swal- j 
 lowed up his large fortune quite as fast, had 
 
 he not allowed himself to be drawn into the 
 maelstrom of Opera-house management. 
 While sitting in his private box at the 
 Italian Opera (Covent-Garden), one evening, 
 in the summer of 1847, Mr. Beale joined 
 him, and, after some conversation about the 
 splendour of the scenery, the beauty of the 
 actresses, and the charms of the dancers, 
 informed him confidentiallj 7 that the esta- 
 blishment was in difficulties ; Persiani was 
 gone, and money was required to pay the 
 artistes, or the theatre must close. To avert 
 so dire a catastrophe, Mr. Delafield, whose 
 wealth seemed boundless, was asked merely 
 to give a promissory note for £3000. At 
 this time he had no connexion with the 
 Opera-house; but from that hour he was 
 gradually led on to become a partner in the 
 management of its affairs. This took place 
 in August, 1848, nearly a year after he had 
 retired from the brewery, talcing all his ca- 
 pital with him. The terms on which he 
 joined the management were, that he was 
 not to incur any liability beyond £15,000 ; 
 but before a year was over, he had lost four 
 times that sum. His partners all contrived 
 to shift the responsibility on his shoulders ; 
 and, as long as he could draw upon his 
 bankers, he continued to pay the various 
 
 artistes, at the following rates : — 
 Mesdames Grisi 
 
 £5156 
 
 „ Alboni 
 
 4000 
 
 „ Yiardot Garcia ... 
 
 4313 
 
 „ Castellan 
 
 1728 
 
 „ Persiani 
 
 1140 
 
 Signor Mario 
 
 4580 
 
 „ Tamburini 
 
 2805 
 
 „ Salvi 
 
 2570 
 
 „ Marini 
 
 1850 
 
 „ Roger 
 
 1910 
 
 And a large number of lesser stars, ; 
 
 salaries varying from £50 to £697 each. 
 During the same year he bought Willow- 
 Bank House from General Conyers for £5000 ; 
 but the mansion, which was good enough for 
 that gentleman, did not satisfy Mr. Delatield, 
 who had it pulled down and rebuilt at a cost 
 of several thousand pounds. By the end of 
 1848 the young gentleman was completely 
 ruined ; but his credit was not entirely gone. 
 He commenced the operatic season of 1849 by 
 a loan of £2000 from his bankers ; and soon 
 after was obliged to make his escape to the 
 Continent to avoid unpleasant consequences, 
 where he remained for some months. When 
 the fiat of bankruptcy was struck, it appeared 
 that his debts amounted to £33,000, and that 
 the only available assets were — good debts, 
 £3 14s. 6d. ! In little more than three years 
 his £100,000 had been swept away, together 
 with £14,164, which he received as interest 
 and profit on his capital while partner in the 
 brewery. A reversionary interest, to the 
 amount of £6000, had been assigned to Mr. 
 Beale for an old debt of £3000 ; and all that 
 remained for the creditors, to whom he owed 
 £33,000, was £3 14s. 6d. ! In addition to 
 this sum, Mr. Beale was ultimately induced 
 to surrender £1000 to them. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 171 
 
 EXTRAORDINARY TRANSPOSITION IN MUSIC 
 
 At one of the principal churches of Pesth, 
 the performance of the “ Messiah ” was ap- 
 pointed for a charitable purpose. On the 
 morning of the day appointed for the ora- 
 torio, it was discovered that the organ had 
 been tuned exactly a semitone too high. 
 This would greatly distress the principal 
 singers ; but how it was to be remedied no 
 one could tell, until the organist, a Bohemian, 
 suggested that he should play the whole one- 
 half note lower, and which he actually ef- 
 fected. Only thorough musicians can appre- 
 ciate the difficulty of such a task, and the 
 surprise was still greater at the facility of 
 the performance. 
 
 SIDNEY SMITH. 
 
 It is impossible to imagine a more thorough 
 contrast to those of Lord Jeffrey than the 
 writings of Sidney Smith exhibit. Though 
 a reverend and pious divine, the prebendary 
 of St. Paul’s had very little of the sacerdotal 
 character in his writings. His conversa- 
 tional talents were great, his success in the 
 highest London society unbounded ; but the 
 intoxicating course neither relaxed the vi- 
 gour of his application, nor deadened the 
 warmth of his feelings. His powers, and 
 they were of no ordinary kind, were always 
 directed, though sometimes with mistaken 
 zeal, to the interests of humanity. His say- 
 ings, like those of Talleyrand, were repeated 
 from one end of the empire to the other. 
 These brilliant and sparkling qualities are 
 conspicuous in his writings, and have mainly 
 contributed to their remarkable success both 
 in this country and America. There is 
 scarcely any scholarship, and little informa- 
 tion, to be met with in his works. Few take 
 them up to be instructed; many to be 
 amused. He has little of the equanimity of 
 the j udge about him, but a great deal of the 
 wit and jocularity of the pleader. He would 
 have made a first-rate jury counsel, for he 
 would alternately have driven them by the 
 force of his arguments, and amused them by 
 the brilliancy of his expressions. There 
 is no more vigorous and forcible diatribe in 
 our language than his celebrated letter on 
 North American repudiation, which roused 
 the attention, and excited the admiration, of 
 the repudiators themselves. He has ex- 
 pressed in a single line a great truth, appli- 
 cable, it is to be feared, to other nations be- 
 sides the Americans : — “ They preferred any 
 load of infamy, however great, to any burden 
 of taxation, however light.” But Sidney 
 Smith’s blows were expended, and wit 
 lavished, in general, on subjects of passing or 
 ephemeral interest ; they were not, like the 
 strokes of Johnson, levelled at the universal 
 frailties and characteristics of human na- 
 ture. On this account, though their success 
 hitherto has been greater, it is doubtful 
 whether his essays will take so high a lasting 
 lace in English literature as those of Lord 
 effrey, which in general treat of works of 
 permanent interest. — Mr. Alison's “Essays” 
 
 STATISTICS OP BACHELORISM. 
 
 A married lady has favoured us with the 
 following report: — Bachelors henpecked by 
 their housekeepers, 3 185 ; pestered by legacy- 
 hunting relatives, 1796; devoured by ennui 
 and selfish cares, 2064; troubled and tor- 
 mented by nephews and nieces (so called), 
 1883 ; crabbed, cross-grained, and desolate in 
 life’s decline, 5384 ; happy, none. 
 
 ANTIQUITY OP THE ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. 
 
 The following is an extract from a quaint 
 work, published in 1661, by Dr. Joseph Glan- 
 ville, a native of Plymouth, entitled “ The 
 Danger of Dogmatising ; ” and as the pro- 
 perties and deflections of the magnetic needle 
 are so well described, it is highly probable 
 they were known in the earliest years of the 
 seventeenth century. He says, at chap. 21 : 
 — “ Another instance of a supposed impossi- 
 bility which may not be so. Of conference 
 at distance by impregnated needles. That 
 men should confer at very distant removes, 
 by an extemporary intercourse, is a reputed 
 impossibility ; but yet there are some hints 
 in natural operations that give us probability 
 that it is feasible, and may be compassed 
 without unwarrantable assistance from de- 
 moniac correspondence. That a couple of 
 needles equally touched by the same magnet, 
 being set in two dials exactly proportioned to 
 each other, and circumscribed by the letters 
 of the alphabet, may affect this magnet, hath 
 considerable authorities to avouch it. The 
 manner of it is thus presented: — Let the 
 friends that would communicate take each a 
 dial, and having appointed a time for their 
 sympathetic conference, let one move his im- 
 pregnated needle to any letter in the alpha- 
 bet, and its affected fellow will precisely re- 
 peat the same. So that I w r ould know what 
 my friend would acquaint me with, it is but 
 observing the letters that are pointed at by 
 my needle, and in their order transcribing 
 them from their sympathising index as its 
 motion directs ; and I may be assured that 
 my friend describes the same with his, and 
 that the words on my paper are of his in- 
 diting. Now, though there will be some ill- 
 contrivance in the circumstance of this in- 
 vention, in that the thus impregnated needles 
 will not move to, but avert from each other 
 (as ingenious Dr. Browne, in his Pseudodoxia 
 Epidemica, hath observed), yet this cannot 
 prejudice the main design of this way of 
 secret conveyance, since it is but counter to 
 the magnetic informer, and noting the letter 
 which is most distant in the Abecedarian 
 circle from that which the needle turns to, 
 and the case is not altered. Now, though 
 this desirable effect possibly may not yet 
 answer the expectation of inquisitive ex- 
 periment, yet it is no despicable item, that 
 by some other such way of magnetic effi- 
 ciency it may hereafter with success be at- 
 tempted, when magical history shall be 
 enlarged by riper inspections : and it i 3 not 
 likely but that present discoveries might be 
 improved to the performance.” 
 
172 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CHELSEA BUNS. 
 
 Chelsea has been famed for its buns since 
 the commencement of the last century. 
 Swift, in his “ Journal to Stella,” 1712, writes, 
 
 Pray are not the fine buns sold here in our 
 town, as the rare Chelseh buns? I bought 
 one to- day in my walk,” & c. They were made 
 and sold at “ the Old Chelsea Bun-house,” in 
 Jew’s row, a one-storied building, with a co- 
 lonnade projecting over the foot-pavement. 
 It was for many years the custom of the 
 Royal Family and the nobility and gentry to 
 visit the Bun-house in the morning. George 
 II., Queen Caroline, and the Princesses fre- 
 quently honoured the proprietor, Mrs. Hand, 
 with their company, as did also George III. 
 and Queen Charlotte ; and her Majesty pre- 
 sented Mrs. Hand with a silver half-gallon 
 mug, with five guineas in it. On Good Fri- 
 day mornings, upwards of 50,000 persons 
 have assembled here, when di-durbances 
 often arose among the London mob ; and in 
 one day more than £250 have been taken for 
 buns. The Bun- bouse was also much fre- 
 quented by visitors to Ranelagh, after the 
 closing of which the bun trade declined. Not- 
 withstanding, on Good Friday, April 18, 
 1839, upwards of 240,000 buns were sold here. 
 Soon after, the Bun-house was sold and pulled 
 down; and at the same time was dispersed 
 a collection of pictures, models, grotesque 
 figures, and modern antiques, which had for 
 a century added the attractions of a museum 
 to the bun celebrity. Another bun-house 
 has been built ; but the olden charm of the 
 place has fled. In the “ Mirror” for April 6, 
 1839, are two views of the old Bun-house, 
 which were taken just before its demolition. — 
 “ Curiosities of London ,” by John TimLs. 
 
 A LANCASHIRE FIGHT. 
 
 A Lancashire fight is something far worse 
 than the Pancratium of old. The native pea- 
 santry know nothing about boxing, as such. 
 In their quarrels they literally fall foul of 
 and maul each other in every possible man- 
 ner — with the fists, teeth, and feet. In- 
 stances have been known in which a nose 
 has been lost, or a rib broken, or a jaw 
 knocked in, during the scuffle. We our- 
 selves once saw a brutal fellow, after 
 having mastered his antagonist, and rescued 
 himself from his gripe, jump suddenly on his 
 legs, and begin to kick his ribs with his huge 
 wooden clogs. The subject has been sketched 
 by one who, to the advantage of a life 
 passed among these people, unites an easy, 
 flowing, and graphic style. Let Bamford, 
 the Middleton poet, describe to our readers 
 the details of a species of conflict with which 
 few of them, perhaps, are familiar. The pas- 
 sage is extracted from his interesting and, by 
 snatches, poetic little volume, entitled “ The 
 Life of a Radical,” a work which ought not 
 to be limited to a provincial circulation : — 
 “ The combatants were our friend the 
 poacher, and another man, younger and 
 heavier, who chiefly earned his living by 
 dog-breaking, and under-strapping to game- 
 
 keepers and their . masters. Betwixt the 
 men there bad been an unfriendly feeling for 
 some time, and now, over this potent ale — for 
 it was good, though new — their hostility was 
 again excited, and probably decided. The 
 ring was formed with as much silence as 
 possible. The men stripped to their waists, 
 and then kneeled down and tied their shoes 
 fast on their feet. They then dodged for the 
 first grip, much as game-cocks do for the 
 first fly ; and after about a minute so spent, 
 they rushed together and grappled, and in a 
 moment the dog-man gave the poacher a 
 heavy kick on the knee, and was at the same 
 time thrown violentty on the giound on his 
 back, his antagonist alighting on him like a 
 ‘ bag of bones.’ It was now a ground fight 
 for some time, and exhibited all the feats of 
 a Lancashire battle, which I take to have 
 been derived from a very remote date, long 
 before the ‘Art of Self-defence,’ or indeed 
 almost any other art, was known in these 
 islands. There was not, however, any of that 
 gouging of the eyes, or biting the flesh, or 
 tearing or lacerating other paits, which are 
 often imputed to Lancashire fighters by cock- 
 ney sportsmen and others, who know little 
 about them. It was all fair play, though 
 certainly of a very rough sort, and as 
 thorough a thing of the kind as I had ever 
 seen. Doggy, after gaining breath, tried to 
 turn on his belly, which Poacher aimed to 
 prevent, pressing the wind out of him by his 
 weight upon the chest as he lay across him, 
 and, at times, throttling him until his eyes 
 started as if they were looking into another 
 world. In one of those suffocating agonies, 
 Doggy flung round one leg, and locked it in 
 one of his opponent’s, and in a moment they 
 were twisted together like the knot of a boa 
 constrictor ; and the next. Doggy turned on 
 his belly, and got on his knees. There -was a 
 loud shout, and much cursing and swearing; 
 and several bets were offered and taken as to 
 the issue of the contest. Poacher now laid 
 all the weight he could on Doggy’s head and 
 neck, to prevent him from getting upright. 
 He grasped him below the arms, and kept 
 clutching his throat ; and the latter, for 
 want of breath to carry on with, kept tear- 
 ing his hands from their gripe ; both snorted 
 like porpoises, and it began to appear that 
 our friend Poacher was the worst for wind. 
 Some heavy kicking now ensued, until the 
 white bones were seen grinning through the 
 gashes in their legs, and their stockings were 
 soaked in blood. Poacher was evidently a 
 brave man, though now coming second. In 
 one of his struggles, Doggy freed himself, 
 and rushed on Poacher with a kick that 
 made the crew set their teeth, and look for 
 splintered bones ; and Poacher stood it, 
 though he felt it. There was another clutch, 
 and a sudden fling, in which Poacher was 
 uppermost, and Doggy falling with his neck 
 doubled under, he rolled over and lay with- 
 out breath or motion, black in the face, and 
 with blood oozing from his ears and nostrils. 
 All said he was killed.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 173 
 
 SMOLLETT’S “HUGH STRAP.” 
 
 In the year 1809 was interred, in the 
 churchyard" of St. Martin’s-in-the-Fields, the 
 body of one Hew Hewson, who died at the 
 age of 85. He was the original of Hugh 
 Strap, in Smollett’s “ Roderick Random.” Up- 
 wards of forty years he kept a hair- dresser’s 
 shop in St. Martin’s parish ; the walls were 
 hung round with Latin quotations, and he 
 would frequently point out to his customers 
 and acquaintances the several scenes in “ Ro- 
 derick Random ” pertaining to himself, which 
 had their origin, not in Smollett’s inventive 
 fancy, but in truth and reality. The meet- 
 ing in a barber’s shop at Newcastle-upon- 
 Tyne, the subsequent mistake at the inn, 
 their arrival together in London, and the as- 
 sistance they experienced from Strap’s friend, 
 are all facts. The barber left behind an an- 
 notated copy of “Roderick Random,” showing 
 how far we are indebted to the genius of the 
 author, and to what extent the incidents are 
 founded in reality. 
 
 KATHERINE HAYES’S MURDER OF HER 
 HUSBAND. 
 
 There are few records in the annals of 
 crime, which exhibit so striking a chain of 
 horrible circumstances, overtaken by “ God’s 
 revenge against murder,” as the case of Kathe- 
 rine Hayes, who was executed for the mur- 
 der of her husband in the year 1726. Hayes, 
 who was possessed of some little property, 
 lived with his wife Katherine in Tyburn, 
 now Oxford-road. Mrs. Hayes prevailed 
 upon two men, named Billings (who lodged 
 in the house) and Wood, a friend of Hayes, 
 to assist her in murdering her husband. To 
 facilitate that object, Hayes was induced to 
 drink the enormous quantity of seven bottles 
 (at that time full quarts) of Mountain wine, 
 besides other intoxicating drinks. After 
 finishing the seventh bottle, he fell on the 
 floor, but soon after arose and threw himself 
 on a bed. There, whilst in a state of stupe- 
 faction, he was dispatched by Billings and 
 Wood striking him on the head with a 
 hatchet. The murderers then held council 
 as to the best mode of concealing their crime, 
 and it was determined that they should mu- 
 tilate and dispose of the body. They cut off 
 the head, Mrs. Hayes holding a pail to catch 
 the blood ; and she proposed that the head 
 should be boiled till the flesh came from the 
 skull. This advice was rejected on account 
 of the time which the process suggested 
 would occupy, and Billings and Wood car- 
 ried the head in the pail (it was at night) to 
 the Horseferry at Westminster, and there 
 cast it into the Thames. On the following 
 day the murderers separated the limbs from 
 the body, and wrapping them, together with 
 the trunk, in two blankets, carried them to 
 Marylebone-fields, and placed them in a 
 pond. 
 
 Hayes’s head not having been carried 
 away by the tide, as the murderers expected 
 it would have been, was found floating at 
 the Horseferry in the morning. The atten- 
 
 tion of the authorities was drawn to the cir- 
 cumstance, and the magistrates being of opi- 
 nion that a murder had been committed, 
 caused the head to be washed and the hair 
 combed out, and then had it placed on a 
 pole and exposed to public view in St. Mar- 
 garet’s churchyard, in the hope that it might 
 lead to the discovery of the suspected crime. 
 Great crowds of persons of all ranlt3 flocked 
 to St. Margaret’s churchyard to see the head, 
 and amongst the rest a young man named 
 Bennett, who perceiving the likeness to 
 Hayes, whom he knew, immediately went to 
 Mrs. Hayes on the subject; but she assured 
 him that her husband was alive and well, 
 which satisfied him. A journeyman tailor, 
 named Patrick, also went to see the head, 
 and on his return told his fellow -workmen 
 that it was Hayes. These workmen, who 
 also had known Hayes, then went to look at 
 the head, and felt the same conviction. It 
 happened that Billings worked at the same 
 shop in which these men were employed in 
 Monmouth-street, and when he came to work 
 next morning they told him of the circum- 
 stance. Billings, however, lulled their sus- 
 picions by declaring that he had left Mr. 
 Hayes at home that morning. After the 
 head had been exhibited for four days in the 
 churchyard, the magistrates caused it to be 
 placed in spirits, in a glass vessel, and in that 
 state it continued to be exposed to public 
 view. Two friends of Hayes, named Ashley 
 and Longmore, who had seen the head with- 
 out imagining that it was his, some time 
 after called on Mrs. Hayes, on separate occa- 
 sions, to inquire for her husband, whose 
 absence began to be noticed. Ashley and 
 Longmore were mutual friends, and their 
 suspicions being excited by the contradictory 
 statements which Mrs. Hayes had given to 
 them, they went to look again at the head, 
 when a minute examination satisfied them 
 that it had belonged to Hayes. The appre- 
 hension of the murderers was the result. On 
 the day they were brought up for examina- 
 tion, the trunk and limbs of the murdered 
 man were found. Wood and Billings con- 
 fessed and pleaded guilty. Katherine Hayes 
 put herself on her country, was tried and con- 
 victed. Wood died in prison. Billings was 
 hanged in Marylebone-fields, near the pond 
 in which Hayes’s body had been concealed. 
 Katherine Hayes was executed at Tyburn, 
 under circumstances of great horror ; for, in 
 consequence of the fire reaching the execu- 
 tioner’s hands, he left his hold of the rope 
 with which he ought to have strangled the 
 criminal, before he had executed that part 
 of his duty, and the result was, that Kathe- 
 rine Hayes was burnt alive. The wretched 
 woman was seen, in the midst of flames, 
 pushing the blazing faggots from her, whilst 
 she yelled in agony. Fresh faggots were 
 piled around her, but a considerable time 
 elapsed before her torments ended. She suf- 
 fered on the 3d of November, 1726. This 
 tragedy forms the subject of a comic ballad, 
 which is attributed to Swift. 
 
174 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 swift’s loves. 
 
 The first of these ladies, whom Swift ro- 
 mantically christened Varina, was a Miss 
 Jane Warvng, to whom he wrote passionate 
 letters, and whom, when he had succeeded 
 in' gaining her affections, he deserted, after 
 a sort of seven years’ courtship. The next 
 flame of the Dean’s was the well-known Miss 
 Esther Johnson, whom he fancifully called 
 Stella. Somehow, he had the address to 
 gain her decided attachment to him, though 
 considerably younger, beautiful in person, 
 accomplished, and estimable. He dangled 
 upon her, fed her hopes of an union, and at 
 length persuaded her to leave London and 
 reside near him in Ireland. His conduct 
 then was of a piece with the rest of his life : 
 he never saw her alone, never slept under 
 the same roof with her, but allowed her 
 character and reputation to be suspected, in 
 consequence of their intimacy ; nor did he 
 attempt to remove such by marriage until a 
 late period of his life, when, to save her from 
 dissolution, he consented to the ceremony, 
 upon condition that it should never be di- 
 vulged ; that she should live as before ; re- 
 tain her own name, &c. ; and this wedding, 
 upon the above being assented to, was 
 performed in a garden ! But Swift never 
 acknowledged her till the day of his death. 
 During all this treatment of his Stella, Swift 
 had ingratiated himself with a young lady 
 of fortune and fashion in London, whose 
 name was Vanhomrig, and whom he called 
 Vanessa. It i3 much to be regretted that 
 the heartless tormentor should have been so 
 ardently and passionately beloved, as was 
 the case with the latter lady. Selfish, hard- 
 hearted as was Swift, he seemed but to live 
 in disappointing others. Such was his cold- 
 ness and brutality to Vanessa, that he may 
 be said to have caused her death. 
 
 Ireland’s shaksfeare forgeries. 
 
 Mr. Samuel Ireland, originally a silk mer- 
 chant in Spilalfields, was led by his taste for 
 literary antiquities to abandon trade for those 
 pursuits, and published several tours. One 
 of them consisted of an excursion upon the 
 river Avon, during which he explored, with 
 ardent curiosity, every locality associated 
 with Shakspeare. He v T as accompanied by 
 his son, a youth of sixteen, who imbibed a 
 portion of his father’s Shakspearean mania. 
 Tbe youth, perceiving the great importance 
 which his parent attached to every relic of 
 the poet, and the eagerness with which he 
 sought for any of his MS. remains, conceived 
 that it would not be difficult to gratify his 
 father by some productions of his own, in the 
 language and manner of Shakspeare’s time. 
 The idea possessed his mind for a certain 
 period ; and in 1793, being then in his 
 eighteenth year, he produced some MSS. 
 said to be in the handwriting of Shak- 
 speare, which he said had been given him 
 by a gentleman possessed of many other old 
 papers. The young man, being articled to a 
 solicitor in Chancery, easily fabricated, in 
 
 the first instance, the deed of mortgage from 
 Shakspeare to Michael Frazer. The ecstacy 
 expressed by his father urged him to the 
 fabrication of other documents, described to 
 come from tbe same quarter. Emboldened 
 by success, he ventured upon higher compo- 
 sitions in prose and verse: and at length 
 announced the discovery of an original 
 drama, under the title of “ Vortigern,” which 
 he exhibited, act by act, written in the period 
 of two months. Having provided himself 
 with the paper of the period, (being the fly- 
 leaves of old books,) and with ink prepared 
 by a bookbinder, no suspicion was entertained 
 of the deception. The father, who was a 
 maniac upon such subjects, gave such tclat to 
 the supposed discovery, that the attention of 
 the literary world and all England was 
 drawn to it; insomuch that the son, who 
 had announced other papers, found it im- 
 possible to retreat, and was goaded into 
 the production of the series which he had 
 promised. 
 
 The house of Mr. Ireland, in Norfolk- street, 
 Strand, was daily crowded to excess by per- 
 sons of the highest rank, as well as by the 
 most celebrated men of letters. Tbe MSS. 
 being mostly decreed genuine, were consi- 
 dered to be of inestimable worth ; and at one 
 time it was expected that Parliament would 
 give any required sum for them. Some con- 
 ceited amateurs in literature at length 
 sounded an alarm, which was echoed by 
 certain of the newspapers and public jour- 
 nals; notwithstanding which, Mr. Sheridan 
 agreed to give £600 for permission to play 
 “Vortigern” at Lrury-lane Theatre. So 
 crowded a house scarcely was ever seen as on 
 the night of the performance, and a vast 
 number of persons could not obtain admis- 
 sion. The predetermined malcontents fregan 
 an opposition from the outset: some ill- cast 
 characters converted grave scenes into ridi- 
 cule, and there ensued between the believers 
 and sceptics a contest which endangered the 
 property. The piece was accordingly with- 
 drawn. 
 
 The juvenile author was now so beset for 
 information, that he found it necessary to 
 abscond from his father’s house ; and then, 
 to put an end to the wonderful ferment 
 which his ingenuity had created, he pub- 
 lished a pamphlet, wherein he confessed the en- 
 tire fabrication. Besides" Vortigern,” young 
 Ireland also produced a play of “llenry 
 II. ;” and, although there were in both such 
 incongruities as were not consistent with 
 Shakspeare’s age, both dramas contain pas- 
 sages of considerable beauty and originality. 
 
 The admissions of tbe son did not, how- 
 ever, screen the father from obloquy, and the 
 reaction of public opinion affected his fortunes 
 and his health. Mr. Ireland was the dupe of 
 his zeal upon such subjects; and the son 
 never contemplated at the outset the un- 
 fortunate effect. Such was the enthusiasm 
 of certain admirers of Shakspeare, (among 
 them Drs. Parr and YVarton,) that they fell 
 upon their knees before the MSS. ; and, by 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 175 
 
 their idolatry, inspired hundreds of others 
 with similar enthusiasm. The young author 
 was filled with astonishment and alarm, 
 which at that stage it was not in his power 
 to check. Sir Richard Phillips, who knew 
 the parties, has thus related the affair in the 
 “ Anecdote Library.” 
 
 In the catalogue of Dr. Parr’s Library at 
 Hatton, (Bibliotheca Farriana,') we find the 
 following attempted explanation by the 
 Doctor : — 
 
 “ Ireland’s (Samuel) Great and impudent 
 forgery, called Miscellaneous Papers and 
 Legal Instruments, under the hand and seal 
 of William Shakspeare, folio, 1796. 
 
 “ I am almost ashamed to insert this worth- 
 less and infamously trickish book. It is said to 
 include the tragedy of “ King Lear,” and a 
 fragment of ‘Hamlet.” Ireland told a lie when 
 he imputed to me the words which Joseph 
 Warton used, the very morning I called on 
 Ireland, and was inclined to admit the possi- 
 bility of genuineness in his papers. In my 
 subsequent conversation, I told him my 
 change of opinion. But I thought it not 
 worth while to dispute in print with a de- 
 tected impostor — S. P.” 
 
 Mr. Ireland died about 1802. His son, 
 William Henry, long survived him ; but the 
 forgeries blighted his literary reputation for 
 ever, and he died in straitened circumstances, 
 not many years since. The reputed Shak- 
 spearean MSS. we remember to have once 
 seen for sale in a pawnbroker’s window, in 
 Wardour-street, Soho. 
 
 INTRODUCERS OF FOREIGN TREES INTO 
 ENGLAND. 
 
 Among the foremost of these planters we 
 find Henry VIII., whose taste seems to have 
 lain chiefly towards cherry and other fruit 
 trees ; Bishop Grindal, of whom Queen Eliza- 
 beth complained, when she visited him at 
 Eulham, that he had so surrounded his house 
 with trees that she could net see the prospect 
 from the window? ; Gerard, with his choice 
 garden behind his “ house in Holborne, in 
 the suburbs of London,” as he dates the pre- 
 face to his “Herbal;” Sir Walter Raleigh, 
 with his park, at Sherborne, in Dorsetshire, 
 
 “ beautified with orchardes, gardens, and 
 groves of much varietie and great delight 
 James I. issuing a Royal ordinance for the 
 planting of mulberry-trees ; and the Duchess 
 of Beaufort, with her “ famous garden at 
 Badmington followed by a host of others 
 of inferior note. A little later came Bishop 
 Compton, who was the first to send out a 
 collector to North America ; John Duke of 
 Argyle, who planted Whit ton ; Lord Petre, 
 who grew, at Thornden, the first camellias 
 seen in England, and killed them by keeping 
 them in a hot-house ; the Earl of Essex, at 
 Cashiobury, who “ nursed up many a fine 
 tree from seeds sown with his own hands,” 
 as his gardener, Cook, informs us ; the Earl 
 of Pembroke, at Wilton, which, from its fine 
 cedars, was called the English Mount Leba- 
 non; the Duke of Northumberland, at Syon, 
 
 and the Earl of Coventry, at Croome. In 
 this enumeration we must not forget honest 
 Peter Collinson, the Quaker and linendraper, 
 whose fondness for animated nature was so 
 great, that in one of his letters, published in 
 the “ Linnman Correspondence,” he declared 
 every living thing called forth his affections ; 
 and in another, that in the decline of life his 
 plants at Millhill furnished his greatest 
 earthly happiness. This worthy man not 
 only exerted himself to introduce foreign 
 trees and shrubs, but he patronised all who 
 wrote about them; and it was entirely 
 through his pecuniary assistance that poor 
 Catesby was enabled to complete his labo- 
 rious and magnificent work on the “ Natural 
 History of the Carolinas.” 
 
 THE VETERAN KOLOMBESKI. 
 
 Jean Kolombeski,born at Astrona (Poland) 
 on the 1st of January, 1730, entered the ser- 
 vice of France as a volunteer in the Bour- 
 bon Regiment of Infantry, in 1774, at the 
 age of forty-four. He was made corporal in 
 1790, at the age of sixty. He made all the 
 campaigns of the Revolution and of the Em- 
 pire in different regiments of infantry, and 
 was incorporated, in 1808, in the 3rd Regi-i 
 ment of the Vistula. He was wounded in 
 1814, and entered the hospital at Poitiers, 
 which he soon afterwards left to be placed 
 en subsistence in the 2nd Regiment of Light 
 Infantry. On the 11th of October of the 
 same year, he was admitted into the 1st 
 company of sous-officiers sedentaires ; and, 
 in 1846, into the 5th company of Veteran 
 Sub-officers. The last three of these com- 
 panies having been suppressed by the Mi- 
 nister of War, Kolombeski was placed en 
 subsistence in the 6ist Regiment of the Line, 
 received a retiring pension by decree of May 
 17, 1850, and the Minister authorised his ad- 
 mission into the Invalides. Kolombeski is, 
 therefore, more than 120 years of age: he 
 reckons 75£ years of service, and 29 cam- 
 paigns ! He enjoys good health, is strong 
 and well made, and does not appear to be 
 more than seventy or eighty. He performed 
 every duty with his comrades of the 5th 
 Company of Veterans. When King Louis 
 Philippe visited Dreux, Kolombeski was 
 presented to the King, who, taking the de- 
 coration from his breast, presented it to the 
 veteran soldier. This is the most astonish- 
 ing instance of longevity that has, perhaps, 
 been ever known in the army. The Marshal 
 Governor of the Invalides ordered that 
 Kolombeski should be brought to him on his 
 arrival ; but, as the old soldier was fatigued, 
 he was taken to the infirmary, and the Go- 
 vernor, informed of it, went to his bedside 
 with General Petit, the commandant of the 
 hotel, and addressed the veteran in the 
 kindest manner. The Governor issued an 
 order that, for the future, all centenarian 
 soldiers admitted into the Hospital should 
 mess with the officers, in order to show his 
 respect for their age, and for the long ser- 
 vices they have rendered to the state. 
 
176 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 CHARLES I. 
 
 Sir Robert Halford was one of the most 
 staunch Royalists in Leicestershire, and fre- 
 quently assisted the King with money in his 
 difficulties. It is a remarkable circumstance 
 that the descendant of the family, the late Sir 
 Henry Halford, should be the only person, 
 besides George IV., who viewed the body of 
 the decapitated King, upon its discovery, 
 some years since, at Windsor. Sir Henry 
 cut off a lock of the King’s hair, and made Sir 
 Walter Scott a present of a part, which he 
 had set in virgin gold ; the word “ Remem- 
 ber” surrounding it in highly-relieved black 
 letters. 
 
 STORY OF THE POET LOVELACE. 
 
 In the year 1618, in the parish of Wool- 
 wich, and at the seat of his father, Sir Wil- 
 liam Lovelace — some antique mansion em- 
 bosomed, may be, amongst elm-tree groves, 
 of which, at the present day, no trace can 
 be discovered — was born the poet, Richard 
 Lovelace, accounted, in his own day, the 
 most handsome and accomplished, the bravest 
 and most noble-minded, among those gallant 
 spirits which the civil troubles called forth, 
 to be at once the admiration and support of 
 their particular party. 
 
 His youth an abstract of the world’s best parts, 
 
 Inured to arms, and exercised in arts ; 
 
 Good as the best in both ; and great ; but yet 
 
 No dangerous courage nor offensive wit. 
 
 So wrote his “noble friend,” and the friend 
 of Izaak Walton — hearty, cheerful Mr. Cot- 
 ton, as Charles Lamb calls him— in an elegy 
 on the death of this gallant cavalier. 
 
 The brief and romantic career of Lovelace 
 may be summed up almost in a single sen- 
 tence. He came of age just as the civil war 
 broke out ; espoused the cause of the King, 
 and beggared himself in his service ; agitated 
 the famous Kentish petition, which he him- 
 self presented to the Parliament, and was 
 met, in return, with an immediate commit- 
 ment to prison. On his discharge, he fought 
 for the French at Dunkirk; and, being 
 wounded, returned to England, when he 
 found the idol of his love, the beautiful Lucy 
 Sacheverel — she to whom the most tender 
 and most enduring of his poems bad been 
 addressed — married to another ; when, as if 
 to add to his grief, he was again imprisoned, 
 and it was not till after the death of the King 
 that he, for the second time, regained his 
 liberty. Towards the close of his career, 
 which, had he fallen on other and more for- 
 tunate times, might have been as brilliant 
 as it was, in this case, mournful, “ he grew 
 very melancholy, which at length brought 
 him into a consumption ; became very poor 
 in body and purse ; was the object of charity ; 
 went in ragged clothes ; whereas, when he 
 was in his glory, he wore cloth of gold and 
 silver; and mostly lodged in obscure and 
 dirty places, more befitting the worst of 
 beggars and poorest of servants George 
 Petty, haberdasher in Fleet-street, carried 
 twenty shillings to him every Mondavmorn- 
 ing, from Sir Many and Charles Cot- 
 
 ton, Esq., for months,” until h'is death, in a 
 miserable lodging in Gunpowder Alley, near 
 Shoe-lane, Fleet -street. 
 
 Anthony Wood speaks of Lovelace, as 
 “ the most amiable person that eye ever be- 
 held ; a person also of innate modesty, virtue, 
 and courtly deportment, which made h im 
 much admired and adored by the female 
 sex.” This romantic admiration survives 
 even at the present day, as will be seen from 
 the following eloquent sketch, by Mrs. 
 Jameson, in her “ Romances of Biography.” 
 Speaking of Lovelace, she says : — 
 
 “His fate and history would form the 
 groundwork of a romance ; and in his person 
 and character he was formed to be the hero 
 of one. He was as fearlessly braVe as a 
 knight-errant ; so handsome in person, that 
 he could not appear without inspiring admi- 
 ration ; a polished courtier ; an elegant 
 scholar ; and, to crown all, a lover and a poet. 
 He wrote a volume of poems, dedicated to 
 the praises of Lucy Sacheverel, with whom 
 he had exchanged vows of everlasting love. 
 Her poetical appellation, according to the 
 affected taste of the day, was Lucasta. 
 When the civil wars broke out, Lovelace de- 
 voted his life and fortunes to the service of 
 the King ; and, on joining the army, he wrote 
 that beautiful song to his mistress, which 
 has been so often quoted : — 
 
 Tell me not, sweet, I am unkind. 
 
 That, from the nunnery 
 
 Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind, 
 
 To war and arms I fly. 
 
 True, a new mistress now I chase, 
 
 The first foe in the field ; 
 
 And with a stronger faith embrace 
 A sword, a horse, a shield. 
 
 Yet this inconstancy is such 
 As you too shall adore ; 
 
 I could not love thee, dear ! so much. 
 
 Loved I not honour more. 
 
 “ The rest of his life was a series of the most 
 cruel misfortunes. He was imprisoned on 
 account of his enthusiastic and chivalrous 
 loyalty ; but no dungeon could subdue his 
 buoyant spirit. His song to ‘Althea, from 
 Prison,’ is full of grace and animation, and 
 breathes the very soul of love and honour : — 
 When Love, with unconfined wings, 
 Hovers within my gates, 
 
 And my divine Althea brings 
 To whisper at the grates ; 
 
 When I lie tangled in her hair, 
 
 And fetter’d to her eye, 
 
 The birds that wanton in the air, 
 
 Know no such liberty. 
 
 Stone walls do not a prison make. 
 
 Nor iron bars a cage ; 
 
 Minds innocent and quiet take 
 That for a hermitage. 
 
 If I have freedom in my love. 
 
 And in my soul am free, 
 
 Angels alone that soar above 
 Enjoy such liberty ! 
 
 “Lovelace afterwards commanded a regi- 
 ment at the siege of Dunkirk, where he was 
 severely, and, as it was supposed, mortally 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 177 
 
 wounded. False tidings of his death were 
 brought to England ; and when he returned, 
 he found his Lucy (‘ Oh, most wicked haste ! ’) 
 married to another ; it was a blow he never 
 recovered. He had spent nearly his whole 
 patrimony in the King’s service, and now 
 became utterly reckless. After wandering 
 about London in obscurity and penury, dis- 
 sipating his scanty resources in riot with his 
 brother cavaliers, and in drinking the health 
 of the exiled King and confusion to Crom- 
 well, this idol of women and envy of men — 
 the beautiful, brave, high-born, and accom- 
 plished Lovelace — died miserably in a little 
 lodging in Shoe-lane. He was only in his 
 thirty-ninth year. 
 
 “The mother of Lucy Sacheverel was 
 Lucy, daughter of Sir Henry Hastings, 
 ancestor to the present Marquis of Hast- 
 ings. How could she so belie her noble 
 blood ? I would excuse her, were it possible, 
 for she must have been a fine creature to have 
 inspired and appreciated such a sentiment as 
 that contained in the song; but facts cry 
 aloud against her. Her plighted hand was 
 not transferred to another, when time had 
 sanctified and mellowed regret, but with a 
 cruel and unfeminine precipitancy. Since, 
 then, her lover has bequeathed her name to 
 immortality, he is sufficiently avenged. Let 
 her stand forth condemned and scorned for 
 ever, as faithless, heartless — light as air, 
 false as water, and rash as fire. I abjure her.” 
 
 STORY OF A MAGNOLIA. 
 
 The evergreen magnolia, so well known 
 for the splendour and fragrance of its blossoms, 
 was first brought to Europe, from the banks 
 of the Mississippi, in 1732, by a French offi- 
 cer of marines, who planted it at his native 
 place, Maillardiere, about four miles from 
 Nantes. Here the magnolia grew and flou- 
 rished ; but, its introducer haviDg died, little 
 notice was taken of it, and, when observed, 
 it was supposed to be only some variety of 
 the common laurel, which it resembles in its 
 leaves. Thirty years afterwards it flowered, 
 and was then discovered by M. Bonami, 
 professor of botany at Nantes, to be the 
 Magnolia grandifiora of Linnaeus. At a 
 meeting of the states of Bretagne, held at 
 Nantes in September, 1760, M. Bonami pre- 
 sented a branch of this magnolia in flower 
 to the Princess de Rohan Chabot, and it 
 excited so much admiration that its fame 
 shortly after reached the ears of Louis XY. 
 The monarch was then ornamenting his 
 garden at the Petit Trianon, and had there 
 some small plants of the Magnolia grandifiora , 
 which had in the meantime been introduced 
 into Europe by one of the English collectors ; 
 and when Louis heard that he had in his 
 own dominions a tree of this rare exotic, 40 
 feet high, which was covered with blossoms 
 every year, he sent two of his gardeners to 
 examine it, with orders to transport it to 
 Versailles, if they could ensure its living. 
 This if was a formidable obstacle ; and, the 
 gardeners reporting that they feared it would 
 
 not survive its removal, it was suffered to 
 remain at Maillardiere. Thirty years more 
 brought the Revolution, and amidst the ge- 
 neral destruction even the poor magnolia did 
 not escape : it was mutilated in the war of 
 La Vendee, and its branches were cut foi 
 firewood ; the house near which it stood was 
 afterwards burnt down, and the magnolia 
 was scorched and withered by the flames. 
 It partially recovered, and still survives, 
 though now only the wreck of what it was. 
 
 THE TWO ROBINS. 
 
 Many years since, being at my country 
 residence at Broomfield, in Somersetshire, I 
 met with the following strange occurrence : — 
 Attached to a house just opening into a 
 pitched court- yard, is a room furnished with 
 two windows, one of which is grated and 
 open, and the other is glazed ; through this 
 open window robins and other small birds 
 were in the habit of passing into the room, 
 which, being kept generally undisturbed and 
 the door locked, afforded them an occasional 
 refuge from the inclemency of the weather. 
 At times you might see two robins, one of 
 them being within and the other without 
 the room, pecking at each other, with the 
 glazed window between them, and seemingly 
 much amused with their play. One day I 
 had occasion in the summer time to look for 
 something in this room, and, accompanied by 
 one of my sons, I unlocked the door with the 
 intention of entering, when two robins, which 
 were both within the apartment, being dis- 
 turbed, fled out through the open-grated 
 window, and then making a circuit through 
 the air, pitched together on the ground of 
 the court in which we were standing, and at 
 about ten yards distance from us. They 
 then, apparently, commenced a most furious 
 fight with each other, and shortly one of 
 them fell on his back, stretched out his legs, 
 and seemed perfectly dead. The other in- 
 stantly seized him by the back of the head, 
 and dragged him several times round and 
 round a circle of about seven or eight feet in 
 diameter. My son, with a view to stop their 
 savage amusement, was about to spring for- 
 ward, when I gently arrested him, to see the 
 issue. Much to my astonishment, after 
 being dragged a few rounds, the fallen and 
 apparently dead bird sprang up with a 
 bound, and his antagonist fell in his turn 
 upon his back, and stretched out both legs 
 with consummate adroitness in all the mock 
 rigidity of death, and his late seemingly 
 dead opponent, in like manner, seized him 
 by the head, and, after dragging him a few 
 rounds in imitation of Achilles dragging 
 Hector round the walls of Troy, they both 
 sprang up and flew away. 1 have seen 
 strange sights in my life, in which birds and 
 beasts have been the actors, but none equal 
 to this. How little do we know of their 
 habitudes, and more especially of those who 
 sport together during the night, when their 
 tyrant masters are at rest . — By Andrew 
 Crosse, Esq. 
 
178 HALLWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 Coleridge's “ watchman.” 
 Coleridge, among his many speculations, 
 started a periodical, in prose and verse, en- 
 titled The Watchman, with the motto, “ that 
 all might know the truth, and that the truth 
 might make us free.” He watched in vain ! 
 Coleridge’s incurable want of order and punc- 
 tuality, and his philosophical theories, tired 
 out and disgusted his readers, and the work 
 was discontinued after the ninth number. 
 Of the unsaleable nature of this publication, 
 he relates an amusing illustration. Happen- 
 ing one morning to rise at an earlier hour 
 than usual, he observed his. servant-girl 
 putting an extravagant quantity of paper 
 into the grate, in order to light the fire, and 
 he mildly checked her for her wa3tefullness : 
 “La! sir,” replied Nanny; “why, it’s only 
 WatchmenT 
 
 PAINS AND TOILS OP AUTHORSHIP. 
 
 The craft of authorship is by no means 
 so easy of practice as is generally imagined 
 by the thousands who aspire to its practice. 
 Almost all our works, whether of knowledge 
 or of fancy, have been the product of much 
 intellectual exertion and study; or, as is 
 better expressed by the poet — 
 
 “ The well-ripened fruits of wise decay.” 
 Pope published nothing until it had been a 
 year or two before him, and even then his 
 printer’s proofs were very full of alterations ; 
 and, on one occasion, Dodsley, his publisher, 
 thought it better to have the whole recom- 
 posed than to make the necessary corrections. 
 Goldsmith considered four lines a day good 
 work, and was seven years in beating out the 
 pure gold of the “ Deserted Village.” Hume 
 wrote his “ History of England” on a sofa, but 
 he went quietly on correcting every edition 
 till his death. Robertson used to write out 
 his sentences on small slips of paper ; and, 
 after rounding them and polishing them to 
 his satisfaction, he entered them in a book, 
 which, in its turn, underwent considerable 
 revision. Burke had all his principal works 
 printed two or three times at a private press 
 before submitting them to his publisher. 
 Akenside and Gray were indefatigable cor- 
 rectors, labouring every line ; and so was our 
 prolix and more imaginative poet, Thom- 
 son. On comparing the first and latest edi- 
 tions of the “ Seasons,” there will be found 
 scarcely a page which does not bear evidence 
 of his taste and industry. Johnson thinks 
 the poems lost much of their raciness under 
 this severe regimen, but they were much im- 
 proved in fancy and delicacy ; the episode of 
 Musidora, “ the solemnly ridiculous bathing 
 scene,” as Campbell terms it, was almost en- 
 tirely re-written. Johnson and Gibbon were 
 the least laborious in arranging their copy 
 for the press. Gibbon sent the first and only 
 MS. of his stupendous work (the “ Decline 
 and Fall”) to his printer; and Johnson’s 
 high-sounding sentences were written almost 
 without an effort. Both, however, lived and 
 moved, as it were, in the world of letters, 
 thinking or caring of little else— .-one in the 
 
 heart of busy London, which he deariy loved, 
 and the other in his silent retreat at Lau- 
 sanne. Dryden wrote hurriedly, to provide 
 for the day ; but his “ Absalom and Achi- 
 tophel,” and the beautiful imagery of the 
 “ Hind and Panther,” must have been fostered 
 with parental care. St. Pierre copied his 
 “Paul and Virginia” nine times, that he 
 might render it the more perfect. Rousseau 
 was a very coxcomb in these matters : the 
 amatory epistles, in his new “ Heloise,” he 
 wrote on fine gilt-edged card-paper, and 
 having folded, addressed, and sealed them, he 
 opened and read them in the solitary woods 
 of Clairens, with the mingled enthusiasm of 
 an author and lover. Sheridan watched long 
 and -anxiously for bright thoughts, as the MS. 
 of his “ School for Scandal,” in its various 
 stages, proves. Burns composed in the open 
 air, the sunnier the better ; but he laboured 
 hard, and with almost unerring taste and 
 judgment, in correcting. 
 
 Lord Byron was a rapid composer, but 
 made abundant use of the pruning-knife. 
 On returning one of his proof-sheets from 
 Italy, he expressed himself undecided about 
 a single word, for which he wished to sub- 
 stitute another, and requested Mr. Murray 
 to refer it to Mr. Gifford, then editor of the 
 Quarterly Review. Sir Walter Scott evinced 
 his love of literary labour by undertaking 
 the revision of the whole of the “ Waverley 
 Novels,” a goodly freightage of some fifty or 
 sixty volumes. The works of Wordsworth, 
 Southey, Coleridge, and Moore, and the oc- 
 casional variations in their different editions, 
 mark their love of re-touching. Southey 
 was, indeed, unwearied after his kind — a true 
 author of the old school. The bright thoughts 
 of Campbell, which sparkle like polished 
 lances, were manufactured with almost equal 
 care ; he was the Pope of our contemporary 
 authors, Allan Cunningham corrected but 
 little, yet his imitations of the elder lyrics 
 are perfect centos of Scottish feeling and 
 poesy. — Inverness Courier. 
 
 NOTES AT AN INN. 
 
 “ Pray, give me some lemonade.”— Land- 
 lady; “Yes, sir. Do you — do you prefer 
 it with lemon, or without ? ” — “ How ? ” 
 “ Why — only we happen, just now, to be out 
 of lemons.” 
 
 Five minutes past five, finished dinner, and 
 ordered some wine. Wine fiery as brandy, 
 and warm ; complained of it. Scorewell un- 
 dertook to “ try again.” While he was 
 away, fancied I heard a pump-handle at 
 work. Returned; wine by no means so 
 strong, and much cooler. The first decanter 
 chipt at the lip ; so was this ; odd coincidence. 
 
 I inquired how the decanter came to be so wet 
 outside? Scorewell replied, that he had just 
 given it a minute in ice. That’s a reason, 
 thought I. 
 
 At an inn, call your bill every morning. 
 
 “ In the hurry of business, people sometimes 
 forget what you have not had, and down it 
 goes in the bill.” 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 179 
 
 gowfeb’s poems. 
 
 Johnson, the publisher in St. Paul’s Church- 
 yard, obtained the- copyright of Cowper’s 
 poems, which proved a great source of profit 
 to him, in the following manner : — One even- 
 ing, a relation of Cowper’s called upon 
 Johnson with a portion of the MS. poems, 
 which he offered for publication, provided 
 Johnson would publish them at his own risk, 
 and allow the author to have a few copies to 
 give to his friends. Johnson read the poems, 
 approved of them, and accordingly published 
 them. Soon after they had appeared, there 
 was scarcely a reviewer who did not load them 
 with the most scurrilous abuse, and condemn 
 them to the butter- shops ; and the public 
 taste being thus terrified or misled, these 
 charming effusions stood in the corner of the 
 publisher’s shop as an unsaleable pile for a 
 long time. 
 
 At length, Cowper’s relation called upon 
 Johnson with another bundle of the poet’s 
 MS., which was offered and accepted upon 
 the same terms as before. In this fresh col- 
 lection was the poem of the “ Task.” Not 
 alarmed at the fate of the former publication, 
 but thoroughly assured of the great merit of 
 the poems, they were published. The tone of 
 the reviewers became changed, and Cowper 
 was hailed as the first poet of the age. The 
 success of this second publication set the first 
 in motion. Johnson immediately reaped the 
 fruits of his undaunted judgment; and Cow- 
 per’s poems enriched the publisher, when the 
 poet was in languishing circumstances. In 
 October, 1812, the copyright of Cowper’s 
 poems was put up to sale among the London 
 booksellers, in thirty-two shares. Twenty of 
 the shares were sold at 212Z. each. The 
 work, consisting of two octavo volumes, was 
 satisfactorily proved at the sale to net 834Z. 
 per annum. It had only two years of copy- 
 right; yet this same copyright produced the 
 sum of 6764Z. 
 
 AN AWKWARD MISTAKE. 
 
 A farmer, who had bought a calf from 
 a butcher, desired him to drive it to his farm, 
 and place it in the stable, which he accord- 
 ingly did. Now it happened that very day 
 that a man with a grinding organ and a 
 dancing bear, passing by that way, began 
 their antics in front of the farm. After 
 amusing the farmer’s family for some time, 
 the organ-man entered the farmer’s house, 
 and asked the farmer if he could give him a 
 night’s lodging ; the farmer replied, that 
 he could give the man a lodging, but he 
 was at a loss where to put the bear. 
 After musing a little, he determined to 
 bring the calf inside the house for that 
 night, and place the bear in the stable, 
 which was done. Now the butcher, expect- 
 ing the calf would remain in the stable 
 alL night, resolved to steal it ere morning ; 
 and the farmer and his guest were in the 
 night awakened by a fearful yelling from 
 the outbuilding. Both got up, and, taking 
 a lantern, entered the stable, when the 
 
 farmer found, to his surprise, the butcher of 
 whom be had bought the calf in the grasp 
 of the bear, which was hugging him most 
 tremendously, for it could not bite, being 
 muzzled. The farmer instantly understood 
 the state of the case, and briefly mentioned 
 the circumstance to the owner of Bruin, who, 
 to punish the butcher for his intended theft, 
 called out to the bear, “ Hug him, Tommy !” 
 which the bear did in real earnest, the 
 butcher roaring most hideously the whole 
 while. After they thought he had suffered 
 enough, they set him free, and the butcher 
 slunk off, glad to escape with his life ; while 
 the farmer and his guest returned to their 
 beds. 
 
 IRISH FRANKING. 
 
 In May, 1784, a bill, intended to limit the 
 privilege of franking, was sent from the Par- 
 liament of Ireland for the Royal approbation. 
 It contained a clause, that any member, who, 
 from illness or any other cause, should be 
 unable to write, might authorise another per- 
 son to frank for him ; provided that, on the 
 back of the letter so franked, the member 
 should give a certificate, under his own hand, 
 of his inability to write. 
 
 A CALIFORNIAN VENTURE. 
 
 A correspondent of the London -Times 
 says : — “ Knowing a man about to proceed 
 to California, and remembering the story of 
 Whittington, and knowing just as much 
 about business, I despatched seven pieces of 
 brandy to that golden region. In the course 
 of a year after I should have had a return, 
 instead I have the following account Sales 
 of three hogsheads and four casks of brandy, 
 shipped per the America to San Fran- 
 cisco; sold for account and risk of , 
 
 London— 
 
 0 C No. 
 G 1-7 
 
 Gallons. 
 7 casks ... 275 
 
 Less evaporation on 
 voyage 10 
 
 dol. c. 
 
 265 gals., at 2 A 530 0 
 Charges. doL c. 
 
 Warehouseing, en- 
 try, and bond .. . 20 0 
 Lighterage from 
 Americato store- 
 
 ship 21 0 
 
 Storeage 5 months 80 0 
 Duty 100 per cent. 
 ad valorem on in- 
 voice 329 50 
 
 Duty entry 10 0 
 
 Cartage 15 0 
 
 Commission, 10 per 
 
 cent. 53 0 
 
 528 50 
 
 Balance in your favour ... 1 50 
 
 Say 1 dol. 50 cents. 
 
 Now, when I despatched my brandy in search 
 of the golden fleece; I nevet had an idea of 
 sueh a fleece as this.” 
 
180 
 
 RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 COLERIDGE A SOLDIER. 
 
 After Coleridge left Cambridge, he came to 
 London, where soon feeling himself forlorn 
 and destitute, he enlisted as a soldier in the 
 loth (Elliott’s) Light Dragoons. “ On his ar- 
 rival at the quarters of the regiment,” says 
 his friend and biographer, Mr. Gilman, “ the 
 general of the district inspected the recruits, 
 and looking hard at Coleridge, with a mili- 
 tary air, inquired ‘ What’s your name, sir?’ 
 ‘ Comberbach ! ’ (the name he had assumed.) 
 ‘What do you come here for, sir?’ as if 
 doubting whether he had any business there. 
 ‘ Sir,’ said Coleridge, * for what most other 
 persons come — to be made a soldier.’ ‘ Do you 
 think,’ said the general, ‘you can run a 
 Frenchman through the body?’ ‘I do not 
 know,’ replied Coleridge, ‘ as I never tried ; 
 but I’ll let a Frenchman run me through the 
 body before I’ll run away.’ ‘ That will do,’ 
 said the general, and Coleridge was turned 
 into the ranks.” 
 
 The poet made a poor dragoon, and never 
 advanced beyond the awkward squad. He 
 wrote letters, however, for all his comrades, 
 and they attended to his horse and accoutre- 
 ments. After four months service (Decem- 
 ber 1793 to April 1794), the history and cir- 
 cumstances of Coleridge became known. He 
 had written under his saddle, on the stable 
 wall, a Latin sentence ( “Eheu ! quam infor- 
 tunii miserrimum est fuisse felicem ! ”) which 
 led to an inquiry on the part of the captain of 
 his troop, who had more regard for the 
 classics than Ensign Norther ton, in “Tom 
 Jones.” Coleridge was accordingly dis- 
 charged, and restored to his family and friends. 
 
 THE CATO-STREET CONSPIRACY. 
 
 This conspiracy had for its object revolu- 
 tion and the assassination of Ministers. The 
 framer of this wild and diabolical scheme 
 was Thistlewood, who had been a subaltern 
 first in militia, and afterwards in a regiment 
 of the line in the West Indies. Having re- 
 signed his commission, he passed into France, 
 where he arrived after the fall of Robespierre, 
 and there imbibed all the opinions which pre- 
 vailed in France at the eventful period of the 
 Revolution, and entertained the wild project 
 that the destruction of his country was an 
 object worthy of accomplishing. Having 
 been tried with Dr. Watson, and acquitted, 
 he sent a challenge to Lord Sidmouth, for 
 which he was tried, found guilty, and impri- 
 soned. On being liberated, in August, 1819, 
 he formed a connexion with some of the 
 lowest class of beings. Ings, Brunt, Tidd, 
 and Davidson were his companions and con- 
 fidants : they held meetings in a room hired 
 for the purpose in Gray’s Inn-lane, when the 
 destruction of the Ministers was declared to 
 be of the greatest consequence, in order to 
 complete their fiend-like purpose. 
 
 A meeting took place on the 19th of Feb- 
 ruary, 1820, at which they came to the reso- 
 lution of assassinating the Ministers separate- 
 ly, each in his own house, on the Wednesday 
 following; meetings were again held on 
 
 Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, when the 
 plan was resolved on ; but Thistlewood being 
 informed by Edwards (a Government spy) 
 that a cabinet dinner was to take place at 
 Lord Harrowby’s house, Grosvenor- square, 
 Thistlewood procured a paper containing the 
 announcement of such intention. This event 
 gave fresh corn-age to the conspirators, and 
 it was at length determined that one should 
 go to the door with a letter, the remainder 
 were to rush in, and having secured the ser- 
 vants, they were to press forward into the 
 room where the Ministers were assembled, 
 and finish the business by murdering the 
 whole of them : and, as a particular trophy, 
 the heads of Sidmouth and Castlereagh were 
 to be deposited in a bag. 
 
 Wednesday was passed in manufacturing 
 the various weapons to be employed, and they 
 resorted to a stable situated in Cato- street, 
 Edgeware-road. This building contained 
 but two rooms, which could only be entered 
 by a ladder. The conspirators having mus- 
 tered to the number of twenty-four, they 
 took the precaution of placing a sentinel 
 below, whilst they prepared for their dread- 
 ful encounter. The Ministers having been 
 made acquainted by Edwards with their mur- 
 derous intentions, also by a man of the name 
 of Hidon, who had been solicited to join them, 
 and who had warned Lord Harrowby of it 
 the previous day, a strong party of officers, 
 headed by Mr. Birnie, proceeded to Cato- 
 street, and were met and supported by a de- 
 tachment of the Coldstream Guards, under 
 the command of Captain Fitz-Clarence. The 
 officers, on their arrival, mounted the ladder, 
 and found the conspirators in the loft, un- 
 conscious of their danger, and of the differ- 
 ent result of their speculations. Smithere 
 being the first to enter the loft, in his attempt 
 to seize Thistlewood, was pierced by him 
 through the body, and immediately fell : the 
 lights being quickly extinguished, some of 
 the conspirators escaped through a window 
 at the back of the premises ; but, by the joint 
 exertions of the military and officers, nine 
 were taken that evening, and conveyed to 
 Bow-street. Thistlewood escaped in the con- 
 fusion, but was arrested the next morning in 
 a house near Finsbury-square, and some on 
 the next two days. 
 
 True bills were found against eleven of the 
 
 S risoners, for high treason, on the 27th of 
 larch ; and on the 17th of April Thistle- 
 wood was put on his trial. A man of the 
 name of Adams was the principal witness, 
 and one of the conspirators who escaped on 
 the evening in Cato-street, but who had been 
 taken, and had remained in custody to the 
 time of his appearance in court. The trial 
 lasted three days, when Thistlewood was 
 found guilty of high treason. Ings, Brunt, 
 Field, and Davidson were severally tried, 
 and convicted. The remaining six pleaded 
 guilty. One received a pardon, and five 
 sentence of transportation for life. Thistle- 
 wood, Ings, Brunt, Field, and Davidson were 
 executed on the 1st of May, 1820. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 181 
 
 DR. HARRINGTON, OF BATH. 
 
 A rustic who went to consult Harrington 
 was shown into a room filled by odd-looking 
 preparations ; and, stepping heavily opposite 
 a closet door, touched a spring, which caused 
 it to fly open, and a skeleton to wheel for- 
 ward. * Hodge ran roaring from the house ; 
 he held on by some rails, a few doors off ; 
 moments seemed ages while he remained in 
 that vicinity. The Doctor, who had heard 
 in what apartment his intended patient had 
 been left, guessed something like the truth 
 and, looking from his door, saw the poor fel- 
 low, spell-bound by fright. He called to 
 him in the kindest tones to come back : the 
 man turned, beheld the lean, ghastly physi- 
 cian, and, with a fresh yell, uttered, “ Na, 
 dang tha, I da knaw tha, though thee’st got 
 thy clauthes on!” Then, with a desperate 
 resolution, he fled, firmly believing that an 
 animated skeleton did practise medicine 
 there, and that Dr. Harrington, “when quite 
 undressed, was most astonishingly ugly! ” 
 
 HISTORY OF A JEWEL. 
 
 Her Majesty’s steam-sloop Medea, arrived 
 at Portsmouth, July, 1850, with freight more 
 precious in nominal value than was ever 
 carried from Peru to Cadiz. Major Macke- 
 » son, one of the passengers, brought with him 
 that famous diamond of the East, called the 
 Koh-i-noor, or “ Mountain of Light,” which, 
 after symbolising the revolutions of ten ge- 
 nerations by its passage from one to another, 
 comes now, in the third centenary of its dis- 
 covery, as the forfeit of Oriental faithlessness 
 and the prize of Saxon valour, to the distant 
 shores of England. It was in the year 1550, 
 before the Mogul dynasty had been esta- 
 blished by the prowess of the great Akbar, 
 that this marvellous stone was first brought 
 to light in the celebrated mines of Golconda. 
 The Koh-i-noor afterwards passed from Gol- 
 conda to Delhi. While the kingdoms of the 
 Deccan were successively absorbed in the cul- 
 minating dominion of the Moguls, the Koh- 
 i-noor rested among the treasures of Impe- 
 rial Delhi, where, on the 2nd of November, 
 1665, it was seen by the French traveller, 
 Tavernier, who, by the extraordinary indul- 
 gence of Aurungzebe, was permitted to 
 handle, examine, and weigh it. Ihe Great 
 Mogul sate on his throne of State, while the 
 chief keeper of the jewels produced his trea- 
 sures for inspection on two golden dishes. 
 The magnificence of the collection was inde- 
 scribable, but conspicuous in lustre, esteem, 
 and value was the Koh-i-noor. Sometimes 
 worn on the person of the Moguls, sometimes 
 adorning the famous peacock throne, this 
 inestimable gem was safely preserved at 
 Delhi, until, in 1739, the empire received its 
 fatal blow from the invasion of Nadir Shah. 
 Among the spoils of conquest which the 
 Persian warrior carried back with him in 
 triumph to Khorassan, and which have been 
 variously estimated as worth from thirty to 
 ninety millions sterling, the Koh-i-noor was 
 the mo3t precious trophy, but it was de- 
 
 stined to pass from Persia as quickly as that 
 ephemeral supremacy in virtue of which it 
 had been acquired. Nadir Shah had enter- 
 tained in his service a body of Affghans of 
 the Abdalle tribe, under the leadership of 
 Ahmed Shah, who also served his master in 
 the capacity of treasurer, and when the Per- 
 sian conqueror was assassinated by his sub- 
 jects, the Affghans, after vainly endeavour- 
 ing to rescue or avenge him, fought their 
 way to their own frontiers, though only four 
 thousand strong, through the hosts of the 
 Persian army. In conducting this intrepid 
 retreat, Ahmed Shah carried off with him 
 the treasures in his possession, and was pro- 
 bably aided by these means, as well as by 
 his own valour, in consolidating the new 
 state which, under the now familiar title of 
 the Dooranee Empire, he speedily created in 
 Cabul. It seemed as if the Koh-i-noor car- 
 ried with it the sovereignty of Hindostan, 
 for the conquests of Ahmed were as decisive 
 as those of Nadir, and it was by his nomina- 
 tion and patronage that the last Emperor as- 
 cended the throne of the Moguls. 
 
 At the beginning of the present century, 
 the treasures and power of Ahmed were 
 vested in the person of Zemaun Shah ; sub- 
 ject to the incessant assaults of his kinsmen. 
 One of these at length proved successful, 
 and, in the year 1800, Zemaun Shah, found 
 himself a prisoner at the disposal of his bro- 
 ther Shah Shuja, the identical puppet, forty 
 years later, of our famous Cabul expedition ; 
 so that we are now brought down to modern 
 times and characters. Shah Shuja presently 
 ascended the throne of his brother ; but the 
 treasury of Cabul was wanting in its most 
 precious ornament, till at length, ingeniously 
 secreted in the wall of Zemaun Shah’s prison, 
 was discovered the Koh-i-noor. It was 
 eight years after this, while the Dooranee 
 Monarchy was still formidable enough to 
 inspire the powers of the East with uueasi- 
 ness, that Mr. Elphinstone, accredited by 
 Lord Minto to the Affghan Prince, betook 
 himself to what was then the remote and 
 unknown town of Peshawur, where, at his 
 state reception, the Koh-i-noor again flashed, 
 after an interval of so many years, upon the 
 dazzled eyes of an European. Shah Shuja, 
 afterwards the client and pensioner of the 
 East India Com pan) 7 , was dressed on this 
 occasion in a green velvet tunic, fitting closely 
 to his body, and seamed with gold and pre- 
 cious stones. On his breast was a cuirass of 
 diamonds shaped like two flattened fleurs- 
 de-lis, and in a bracelet on his right arm 
 blazed the priceless jewel of Golconda. The 
 Prince gave a gracious audience to the Am- 
 bassador, and Mr. Elphinstone retired ; but 
 the Koh-i-noor was not fated long to con- 
 tinue in the divided and tottering family of 
 the once powerful Abdalles. 
 
 The embassy had scarcely re -crossed the 
 Indus when Shah Shuja was expelled from 
 Cabul, though he contrived to make this far- 
 famed diamond the companion of his flight. 
 After many vicissitudes of exile and contest 
 
182 
 
 railway anecdote book. 
 
 he at length found an equivocal refuge under 
 the protection of that powerful chieftain who 
 had now consolidated the dominions of the 
 Sikhs into a Royal inheritance for his own 
 family. Runjeet Singh was fully competent 
 either to the defence or the restoration of the 
 fugitive, but he knew or suspected the treasure 
 in his possession, and his mind was bent upon 
 acquiring it. He put the Shah under strict 
 surveillance, and made a formal demand for 
 the jewel. The Dooranee Prince hesitated, 
 prevaricated, temporized, and employed all 
 the artifices of oriental diplomacy, but in 
 vain. Runjeet redoubled the stringency of 
 his measures, and at length the 1st of June, 
 1813, was fixed as the day when the great 
 diamond of the Moguls should be surrender- 
 ed by the Abdalle Chief to the ascendant 
 dynasty of the Singhs. The two princes met 
 in a room appointed for the purpose, and took 
 their seats on the ground. A solemnsilente 
 then ensued, which continued unbroken for an 
 hour. At length Runjeet s impatience ovei- 
 came the suggestions of Asiatic decorum, 
 and he whispered to an attendant to quicken 
 the memory of the Shah. The exiled Prince 
 spoke not a word in reply, but gave a signal 
 with his eyes to a eunuch m attendance, who, 
 retiring for a moment, returned with a small 
 roll which he set down upon the carpet mid- 
 way between the two chiefs. Again a pause 
 followed, when, at a signal from. Runjeet, the 
 roll was unfolded, and there in its matchless 
 and unspeakable brilliancy glittered the 
 Koh-i-noor. „ . „ T *1.1.55 
 
 In this way did the “ Mountain of Light 
 pass in the train of conquest and as the 
 emblem of dominion from Golconda to Delhi, 
 from Delhi to Mushed, from Mushed to Ca- 
 bul, and from Cabul to Lahore. Excepting 
 the somewhat doubtful claims of the Bia- 
 zilian stone among the Crown jewels of Por- 
 tugal, the Koh-i-noor is the largest known 
 diamond in the world. When first given to 
 Shah Jehaum it was still uncut, weighing, 
 it is said, in that rough state, nearly 800 ca- 
 rats, which were reduced by the unskilfulness 
 of the artist to 279, its present weight. It 
 was cut by Hortensio Borgis, a Venetian, 
 who, instead of receiving a remuneration for 
 his labour, was fined 10,000 rupees for his 
 wastefulness by the enraged Mogul. In 
 form' it is “rose-cut” — that is to say, it is 
 cut to a point in a series of small faces, or 
 “ facets,” without any tabular surface. A 
 good general idea may be formed of its shape 
 and size by conceiving it as the pointed half 
 of a small hen’s egg, though it is said not to 
 have risen more than halt- an-inch troin the 
 gold setting in which it was worn by Run- 
 feet Its value is scarcely computable, though 
 two' millions sterling has been mentioned as 
 a justifiable price if calculated by the scale 
 employed by the trade. Ihe Pitt diamond, 
 brought over from Madras by the grand- 
 father of Lord Chatham, and sold to the 
 Regent Orleans in 1717 for £125,000, weighs 
 scarcely 130 carats; nor does the great dia- 
 mond which supports the eagle on the sum- 
 
 mit of the Russian sceptre weigh as much 
 as 200. Such is the extraordinary jewel 
 which in virtue of conquest and sovereignty 
 has passed into the possession of England. 
 
 It was prudently secured among the few re- 
 maining valuables of the Lahore treasury 
 at the commencement of the last insurrection, 
 and, although even its nominal value would 
 be an inadequate compensation for the cost ot 
 the Sikh war, we may look upon its acquisi- 
 tion as a fitting symbol of that supremacy 
 which we have so fairly won. 
 
 boyhood of captain cook. 
 
 There is not the slightest doubt as to the 
 authenticity of the following incident, which 
 shows the effects of little causes producing 
 great consequences. The discoveries of the 
 English circumnavigator were owing to a 
 particularlv marked shilling. Young Cook 
 was a native of Yorkshire, and served as ap- 
 prentice to a merchant and shopkeeper in a 
 large fishing-town in that county. Some 
 money had been missed from the till, and, to 
 detect the delinquent, a very curiously marked 
 shilling was mixed with the silver, which was 
 accurately counted. On examining the till 
 shortly after, this peculiar shilling was miss- 
 ing, and Cook was taxed with having taken 
 it out; this he instantly acknowledged, 
 stating that its peculiarity had cau S Qt ms 
 eye, but affirmed, at the same time, that he 
 had put another of his own in its place, i he 
 money was accordingly counted over again, 
 and found to agree exactly with his state- 
 ment. Although the family was highly re- 
 spectable, and therefore capable of advancing 
 him in his future prospects, and also much 
 attached to him, and very kind, yet the high 
 spirit of the boy could not brook remainin 0 
 in a situation where he had been suspected ; 
 he therefore ran away, and, having no other 
 resource, entered as a cabin-boy in a collier. 
 
 HIPPOPOTAMUS IN THE ZOOLOGICAL SO- 
 CIETY’S MENAGERIK, REGENT S PARK. 
 
 Professor Owen has published a report on 
 this valuable acquisition to the ‘Zoological 
 Society, from which it appears that the hip- 
 popotamus, now housed in its comfortable 
 quarters in the Regent’s Park, was captured 
 in August, 1849, about 13o0 miles above 
 Cairo. 6 The hunters, having previously 
 wounded its mother, had their attention at- 
 tracted to the thick bushes on the nvePs 
 bank, in which the young ammM was con- 
 cealed. When discovered, the calf made a 
 rush to the river, and nearly escaped, owing- 
 to the slipperiness of its skin, and wa» only 
 secured by one of the men striking the boat- 
 hook into its flank. The hippopotamus is now 
 (July I860), 10 months old, and measures 7 
 feet long, and six and a half in girth at the 
 middle of the barrel-shaped trunk, whrehis 
 supported clear of the ground on very short 
 and thick legs. The naked hlde C0 ^ r '"- 
 the broad back and sides is of a OaikLida 
 rubber colour, impressed by 
 wrinkles crossing each other, but disposed- 
 
KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 183 
 
 almost transversely. When Professor Owen 
 first saw the beast it had just left its bath, 
 and he observed a minute drop of a glisten- 
 ing secretion exuding from the pores, which 
 are dispersed over the whole integument, and 
 which the animal is provided with for the 
 purpose of lubricating its thick hide, and 
 thus preventing it from breaking. After 
 lying quietly about an hour, the hippopo- 
 tamus rose/ and walked slowly about its 
 room, and then uttered a loud and short 
 harsh snort four or five times in quick suc- 
 cession, reminding one of the snort of a 
 horse, and ending with an explosive sound 
 like a bark. The keeper stated that the 
 sounds were indicative of its desire to return 
 to the bath. The Arab opened the door, and 
 walked to the new wing containing the bath, 
 the hippopotamus following, like a dog, close 
 to his heels. On arriving at the bath-room, 
 the animal descended with some deliberation 
 the flight of low steps leading into the water, 
 stooped and drank a little, dipped his head 
 under, and then plunged forwards. It was 
 no sooner in its favourite element than its 
 whole aspect changed, and it seemed inspired 
 with new life and activity ; sinking down to 
 the bottom, and moving about submerged 
 for a while, it would suddenly rise with a 
 bound, almost bodily, out of the water, and 
 splashing back, commenced swimming and 
 plunging about with a porpoise -like motion, 
 rolling from side to side, taking in mouthfuls 
 of water and spurting it out again, raising 
 every now and then its grotesque head, and 
 biting the wood-work at the margin of the 
 bath. The broad rounded back of the animal 
 being now chiefly in view, it looked very 
 much larger than when out of the water. 
 After half an hour spent in this amusement, 
 it quitted the water at the call of its keeper, 
 and followed him back to the sleeping-room, 
 which is well bedded with straw, and where 
 a stuffed sack is provided for its pillow, of 
 which the animal, having a very short neck, 
 thicker than the head, duly avails itself when 
 it sleeps. When awake, it is very impatient 
 of any absence of its favourite attendant, 
 rises on its hind legs, and threatens to break 
 down the wooden fence by butting and push- 
 ing against it in a way strongly significative 
 of its great muscular force. Its food is now 
 a kind of porridge of milk and maize meal. 
 Its appetite has been in no respect diminished 
 by the confinement and inconveniences of 
 the sea voyage, or by change of climate. 
 
 CONTEST WITH MONKEYS. 
 
 Mr. M'Bride, manager of the Bridge-of- 
 Weir Gas-Works, keeps a pair of monkeys 
 for his amusement. The animals are usually 
 kept in a large iron cage, but, in the absence 
 of Mr. M‘Bride, one day, for a few minutes, 
 they succeeded in effecting their liberation, 
 and seemed to feel a pleasure at the time in 
 working all the mischief that was possible. 
 The desk of the office was overturned, and 
 the papers it contained torn and scattered 
 about. They also opened the crane of a gas- 
 
 | tar cistern, and flooded the floor with its 
 J nauseous contents. On the manager, on his 
 I return, finding matters in this plight, he un- 
 ceremoniously commenced to inflict corporal 
 punishment on the first of the monkeys he 
 came in sight of, when the other, which had 
 been hiding, immediately made a rush to the 
 assistance of his companion. The brutes cut 
 the leg of Mr. M 'Bride through his trousers, 
 and one of them, leaping on his back, cut 
 him pretty severely on the face also. By 
 this time, one stick had been broken over the 
 backs of the animals ; and Mr. M ‘Bride hav- 
 ing placed his back to the wall for protection, 
 and armed himself with another bludgeon, 
 he ultimately recaptured his assailants, but 
 not till the leg of one of them had been 
 broken in the contest. 
 
 A VETERAN.— THE WAR MEDAK, 1848. 
 Her Majesty Queen Yictoria having been 
 graciously pleased to command that a medal 
 should be struck to record the services of her 
 fleets and armies during the late wars, the 
 Board and General Officers, assembled by 
 order and under the direction of Field-Mar- 
 shal his Grace the Duke of Wellington, Com- 
 mander-in-chief, accordingly awarded a me- 
 dal and twelve clasps or bars to Captain 
 Humbley, of Waterloo Cottage, Eynesbury, 
 St. Neots, who served in the 95th Rifles 
 (now the Rifle Brigade), throughout the 
 whole of the late war, and was actually 
 present in twenty-three battles, several sieges, 
 and numerous skirmishes and minor affairs of 
 out-posts; fought in five different king- 
 doms, and was six times very severely 
 wounded in distinct actions, namely, at 
 Flushing, in 1809, in the head ; at Yictoria, 
 in 1813, in the left arm ; at Nivelle, in 1813 
 in the left eye ; at Orthbs, in 1814, in the right, 
 thigh, and at Waterloo, in 1815, very seri- 
 ously wounded in both shoulders. Captain 
 Humbley now numbers, with the Waterloo 
 medal previously received, fourteen deco- 
 rations ; and he has also a rifle ball which 
 lodged in his forehead at the siege and ca- 
 pitulation of Flushing, in 1809 ; the ball was 
 extracted and the head trephined. Two mus- 
 ket-balls were lodged, one in each shoulder, at 
 the battle of Waterloo : one of the balls is at 
 the present moment near, or under, the 
 scapular bone of his left shoulder ; the other 
 ball was extracted from his right shoulder 
 the second day after the battle of Waterloo, 
 and is now in his possession ; forming, alto- 
 gether, seventeen trophies — honours of war, 
 in the keeping and for the services of one 
 individual, rarely to be met with. The 
 average number of the principal battles 
 selected for medals, and admitted by the 
 Board of General Officers, is four to each 
 claimant ; but, in Some few instances, as in 
 this case, a greater number has been sub- 
 stituted. Captain Humbley commenced his 
 military career in 1803 — 1806, in the Cam- 
 bridgeshire Militia, then commanded by his 
 noble and gallant friend, the late Right Hon. 
 Charles Yorke. 
 
184 
 
 KAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 SHIPPING THE INDIAN MAIL AT SOUTH- 
 AMPTON. 
 
 Emerging from the dock-gate are seen 
 three immense railway vans, drawn by power- 
 ful horses, escorted by a mail-guard dressed 
 in the scarlet livery of the Postmaster- 
 General, and preceded by policemen, who 
 force back the crowd from the side of the 
 vessel. These railway vans contain the 
 Indian and Mediterranean mail. The mail 
 sonsists of about 200 boxes, and sacks of 
 letters and newspapers. The sacks are for 
 places in the Mediterranean, and the boxes 
 are for parts beyond Egypt. Boxes are used 
 because of the convenience and safety with 
 which they can be transported on the backs 
 of camels across the desert of Suez, previous 
 to their being embarked again on board ship 
 in the Red Sea. Letter-bags cannot be so 
 conveniently packed on camels’ backs as 
 boxes, and they would be liable to be cut 
 open, and their contents extracted, by the 
 Copt and Arab camel guides across the desert. 
 The boxes and sacks weigh bet ween four and 
 five tons, and they contain about 100,000 
 letters and 200,000 newspapers. The wood 
 of the boxes is about three -quarters of an 
 inch in thickness : each box is about two feet 
 long, and a foot and a-half in height and 
 breadth. The covers of them are securely 
 nailed down, and sealed in such a manner 
 that they cannot be broken open without 
 the seal being destroyed. About fifty of the 
 boxes are for Bombay, forty for Calcutta, 
 twenty for Madras, thirty for Ceylon, and 
 twenty for Hong-Kong. Those for Bombay 
 are painted white ; for Calcutta, blue ; Ma- 
 dras, yellow; Ceylon, black; and Hong- 
 Kong, red. The object of painting them 
 different colours is for the convenience of se- 
 lecting them for any particular part from the 
 mail-room on board, where they are all stored 
 away together. As soon as the mail arrives 
 alongside the packet, about twenty men are 
 busily employed putting it on board, and 
 the Admiralty and Post-office authorities are 
 checking off printed lists of its contents. 
 While this is going on, time appears to be 
 on the wing by the passengers and their 
 friends on board, who are now taking leave 
 of each other. 
 
 THE KILKENNY CATS. 
 
 The story generally told is, that two of 
 those animals fought in a sawpit with such 
 ferocious determination, that, when the battle 
 was over, nothing could be found remaining 
 of either combatant except his tail — the mar- 
 vellous inference to be drawn therefrom being, 
 of course, that they had devoured each other. 
 This ludicrous anecdote has, no doubt, been 
 generally looked upon as an absurdity of the 
 Joe Miller class ; but this (says a writer in 
 Notes and Queries ) I conceive to be a mis- 
 sake. I have not the least doubt that the 
 story of the mutual destruction of the con- 
 tending cats was an allegory designed to 
 typify the utter ruin to which centuries of 
 litigation and embroilment on the subject of 
 
 conflicting rights and privileges tended to re- 
 duce the respective exchequers of the rival 
 municipal bodies of Kilkenny and Irish town 
 —separate corporations existing within the 
 liberties of one city, and the boundaries of 
 whose respective jurisdiction had never been 
 marked out or defined by an authority to 
 which either was willing to bow. Their 
 struggles for precedency, and for the main- 
 tenance of alleged rights invaded, commenced 
 A d. 1877, and were carried on with truly 
 feline fierceness and implacability till the end 
 of the seventeenth century, when it may 
 fairly be considered that they had mutually 
 devoured each other to the very tail, as we 
 find their property all mortgaged, and see 
 them each passing by-laws that their respect- 
 ive officers should be content with the dig- 
 nity of their station, and forego all hope ot 
 salary till the suit at law with the other 
 “pretended corporation” should be termi- 
 nated, and the incumbrances thereby caused 
 removed with the vanquishment of the 
 enemy. Those who have taken the story of 
 the Kilkenny cats in its literal sense have 
 done grievous injustice to the character of 
 the grimalkins of the “fair cittie,” who are 
 really quite as demure and quietly disposed 
 a race of tabbies as it is in the nature of any 
 such animals to be. 
 
 THE NAMES OF PROVISIONS. 
 
 The names of provisions throw some light 
 upon the mode of living among the higher 
 and lower classes of our population. Bread, 
 with the common productions of the garden, 
 such a3 peas, beans, eggs, and some other 
 articles which might be produced in the cot- 
 tage garden or yard, retain their Saxon 
 names, and evidently formed the chief nourish- 
 ment of the Saxon portion of the population. 
 Of meat, though the word is Saxon, they ate 
 probably little; for it is one of the most 
 curious circumstances connected with the 
 English language, that while the living 
 animals are called by Anglo-Saxon names, 
 as oxen, calves, sheep, pigs, deer, the flesh of 
 those animals when prepared for the table is 
 called by names which are all Anglo-Nor- 
 man — beef, veal, mutton, pork, venison. The 
 butcher who killed them is himself known 
 by an Anglo-Norman name. Even fowls 
 when killed receive the Norman name of 
 poultry. This can only be explained by 
 the circumstance that the Saxon population 
 in general was only acquainted with the living 
 animals, while their flesh was carried off to 
 the castle and table of the Norman posses- 
 sors of the land, who gave it names taken 
 from their own language. Fresh meat, salted, 
 was hoarded up in immense quantities in the 
 Norman castles, and was distributed lavishly 
 to the household and idle followers of the 
 feudal possessors. Almost the only meat 
 obtained by the peasantry, unless, if w r e 
 believe old popular songs, by stealth, was 
 bacon, and that also is still called by an 
 Anglo-Norman name. — Gentleman's Maga- 
 zine. 
 
RAILWAY ANECDOTE BOOK. 
 
 185 
 
 A LUCKY FELLOW. 
 
 The Echo de V Oise recounts the following 
 bit of good fortune which has fallen to the 
 lot of a young sailor, named Laurendeau. It 
 appears that when only fourteen years of 
 age, at Rouen, he saw a young English lady 
 fall into the river when landing at the Quay. 
 Laurendeau jumped in, and was fortunate 
 enough to lay hold of her, but being caught 
 by the clothes by some of the iron-work of 
 the vessel, they both would have lost their 
 lives had not "persons present released him 
 with a boathook. The mother of the young 
 lady thanked him warmly, and made him a 
 present, and also paid the expense he in- 
 curred in curing the wound he had received 
 in the leg from the boat-hook. Laurendeau 
 had neither seen nor heard of the persons for 
 fifteen years, when an English gentleman 
 came to him, and alluding to his act of 
 courage, and in order to be certain of his 
 identity, had his leg examined by a medical 
 man, who clearly recognised the mark made 
 by the hook. When thus certain of his man, 
 the Englishman told Laurendeau that the 
 young lady whose life he had saved wished 
 to thank him in person, and to present him 
 with an annuity for life of 10,000f., and at 
 the same time he presented him with 500f. to 
 pay the expense of his journey to London. 
 The fortunate young man immediately made 
 his preparations and started. 
 
 THE HAMMERSMITH GHOST. 
 
 The particulars of this tragical affair are 
 as follows:— The inhabitants of the neigh- 
 bourhood of Hammersmith had been for 
 ’ some days in a state of alarm, arising from 
 the report that a ghost had been seen, which 
 report so intimidated the residents of the 
 place, that few would venture out of their 
 houses after dusk, unless upon urgent busi- 
 ness. A young man, however, who pos- 
 sessed more courage than the rest of his 
 neighbours, determined to watch the pro- 
 ceedings of this visitant of the other world ; 
 he accordingly placed himself in a secluded 
 spot, armed with a gun, and as near the spot 
 as possible to where the ghost had been seen. 
 He had not remained long in his hiding- 
 place, when he heard the sound of footsteps 
 advancing, and immediately challenged the 
 supposed spirit; but not receiving any an- 
 swer, he fired at the object. A deep groan 
 was heard, and upon a light being procured, 
 it was discovered that a poor bricklayer, who 
 passed that way from his work on that even- 
 ing rather later than usual, and who had 
 on a new flannel jacket, wa3 the innocent 
 cause of this unfortunate occurrence. The 
 young man was tried for murder, and ac- 
 quitted. 
 
 WHAT WAS A POUND IN A.D. 1000? 
 
 In Alsace, at the end of the tenth century, 
 the common money for current purposes was 
 the pfennig. It was of copper, and sixty of 
 them weighed exactly one marc, or half a 
 pound avoirdupois, or 120 of them were a 
 
 pound weight. The price of a sheffel or 
 bushel of wheat, weighing sixty pounds, or 
 the same nearly as our English bushel, was 
 seven of these pfennigs. Copper, probably, 
 bore a higher value in proportion to silver 
 than it does in the present day ; or the bushel 
 of wheat was sold for less than a penny 
 farthing. About two hundred and fifty years 
 later, in the same country, the same measure 
 of wheat was sold at twenty-four pfennigs, or 
 about threepence farthing. It appears by the 
 accounts preserved in the eathedral of Stras- 
 burg that the wages paid to the masons em- 
 ployed in the erection of that edifice were 
 from one and a half to two of these pfennigs. At 
 the building of the great bridge of Dresden, 
 in the thirteenth century, the labourers were 
 paid two pfennigs daily ; and, according to 
 some fragments of mining accounts of Tillot 
 and Chateau Lambert, the operative miners 
 received no more than two pfennigs. — Jacob 
 on the Precious Metals. 
 
 AN AMERICAN CUSTOMER. 
 
 Many years since, there did dwell in a cer- 
 tain town, not a hundred miles from that far- 
 famed place where Orthodox divines are 
 fitted up for their profession and calling, a 
 certain D.D., notorious for his parsimonious - 
 ness, which would run to the wildest ex- 
 tremes. 
 
 One day this doctor of divinity chanced into 
 a hat store in this city, and, after rum- 
 maging over the wares, selected an ordinary- 
 looking hat, put it on his reverend head, 
 ogled himself in the glass, then asked the 
 very lowest price of it, telling the vendor, 
 that, if he could give it cheap enough, he 
 thought he might buy it. “ But,” said the 
 hatter, “ that hat is not good enough for you 
 to wear — here is what you want,” showing 
 one of his best beavers. “ ’Tis the best I can 
 afford tho’,” returned the theologian. “Well, 
 there, doctor, I’ll make you a present of that 
 best beaver, if you’ll wear it, and tell your 
 friends whose store it came from ; I’ll war- 
 rant you’ll send me customers enough to get 
 my money back with interest : you are pretty 
 extensively acquainted.” “ Thank you — 
 thank you !” said the doctor, his eyes gleam- 
 ing with pleasure at raising a castor so 
 cheaply: “how much may this beaver be 
 worth?” “ We sell that kind of hat for eight 
 dollars,” replied the man of nap. “And the 
 other?” continued the reverend gentleman. 
 “ Three.” The man of sermons put on the 
 beaver, looked in the glass, then at the three- 
 dollar hat. “I think, sir,” said he, taking 
 off the beaver, and holding it in one hand, 
 as he donned the cheap “ tile,” “ I think, sir, 
 that this hat will answer my purpose full as 
 well as the best.” “ But you’d better take 
 the best one, sir, it costs you no more.” 
 “ B-u-t — bu-t,” replied the parson hesi- 
 tatingly, “I didn’t know — but — per-haps — 
 you would as lief I would take the cheap one, 
 and leave the other — and perhaps you would 
 not mind giving me the difference in a five - 
 dollar bill!” — New York Evening Monitor. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 Abebnethiana . . 
 
 Absent Man 
 Absence of Mind 
 Accommodating Eloquence 
 Accommodating Inadvertence 
 Accommodating Principles 
 Accurate Description 
 Acquaintance 
 Adam’s Apple 
 Addison and Montaigne 
 Addisoniana 
 Admiral Hobson . . 
 
 Advantages of Early Training 
 Adventure with a Bison 
 Advice to an Author 
 Affected Modesty.. 
 
 Aged Actress 
 Aged Dancers 
 Algerine Cats 
 Allen, Earl Bathurst 
 Americanisms 
 American Customer 
 American “ Ladies” 
 
 American Nation . . 
 
 American Newspapers 
 American Oddity . . 
 
 American Sheriff . . 
 
 American Similes.. 
 
 Ancestral Dispute 
 Ancestry 
 
 Announcing Names 
 Antiquity of the Electric Telegraph 
 Argumentative . . 
 
 Artificial Memory 
 Art of Talking . . 
 
 Assassination of Wallenstein 
 Astrologer Outwitted 
 Astronomy 
 Awkward Honour 
 Awkward Mistake 
 
 Bacon and Beans . . 
 
 Bad Company 
 Bad Habit 
 Bad ’s the Best 
 Bathing in the Thames 
 Beau Nash 
 
 Beautiful Ballad-Singer . . 
 “ Beggar’s Opera” 
 
 Benefit of Competition 
 Bensley’s Wig 
 Best Knock 
 Betting .. 
 
 Bewick, the Engraver 
 Billingsgate Fair 
 Bishop Watson . . 
 
 Black Letter 
 Black preaching . . 
 
 Blood .. 
 
 Blow your Nose . . 
 
 Blow-up 
 
 Bookseller’s Blunder 
 Boswell’s “ Life of Johnson ” 
 Boyhood of Captain Cook . . 
 Boyhood of Edmund Kean . . 
 
 Page 
 .. 96 
 
 .. 15 
 
 .. 53 
 
 .. 18 
 .. 6 
 .. 134 
 .. 11 
 .. 167 
 .. 151 
 .. 104 
 .. 167 
 .. 78 
 .. 56 
 
 .. 34 
 
 .. 169 
 .. 12 
 .. 118 
 .. 148 
 .. 11 
 .. 137 
 23 
 .. 185 
 .. 12 
 .. 101 
 .. 31 
 
 .. 30 
 
 .. 87 
 .. 48 
 
 .. 3 
 
 .. 129 
 .. 167 
 .. 171 
 .. 157 
 .. 47 
 
 .. 22 
 .. 114 
 .. 25 
 
 .. 147 
 .. 141 
 . 179 
 
 .. 155 
 .. 91 
 
 .. 78 
 .. 1 
 .. 132 
 .. 69 
 .. 108 
 .. 37 
 .. 6 
 .. 85 
 
 .. 31 
 
 .. 42 
 
 .. 168 
 .. 60 
 .. 112 
 .. 80 
 .. 72 
 
 .. 78 
 .. 169 
 .. 133 
 .. 120 
 .. 89 
 
 .. 182 
 .. 90 
 
 Page 
 
 England 
 
 Braham and Kenny 
 Bravery 
 Breaking out of the War t 
 and France in 1803 
 Brevity 
 
 Brief Abstinence . . 
 
 British Flag in Canada 
 Broad Hint 
 Broil 
 
 Buffon’s Son 
 Bull and no Bull . . 
 
 Bunyan’s Escapes 
 Burke’s Fondness for Children 
 Burke’s Visit to Bedlam 
 
 Caesar’s Good-Breeding 
 Calamy and Cromwell 
 Californian Venture 
 Calculation 
 Card-table Signals 
 Card-playing 
 CarSme, the Cook 
 Carter Foote 
 Carving Accident . . 
 
 Cartouche 
 Capillary Attraction 
 Cash Payments . . 
 
 Catching Crabs . . 
 
 Catching the Plague 
 Cato-street Conspiracy 
 Cat out .. 
 
 Cause and Effect . . 
 
 Champagne .. 
 
 Changing Hats 
 Chantrey’s first Sculpture 
 Charity and Inconvenience 
 Charles I. 
 
 Charles Duke of Norfolk . . 
 
 Charles Kemble . . 
 
 Charles Phillips’s Sketch of Currar 
 Chateaubriand a Soldier . . 
 
 Chateaubriand’s Interview with Washington 95 
 Chatham’s command of the House 
 Cheap Living 
 Cheap Watch 
 Chelsea Buns 
 Chelsea Heroines . . 
 
 Chemical Oddity • • 
 
 Chemistry of Heat 
 Chops and Cucumbers 
 City Toasting 
 City Attorney 
 Classic Chance 
 Classic Felony 
 Claw and Claw 
 Clearing Emigrants 
 Clever Thieves 
 Clincher 
 Close Escape 
 Closer . . 
 
 Cobbett, by himself 
 Cogent Reason 
 Coleridge and Thelwall 
 Coleridge and the Jews 
 Coleridge a Soldier 
 
 .. 25 
 
 .. 154 
 .. 180 
 .. 17 
 
 .. 168 
 .. 137 
 .. 5 
 
 .. 23 
 
 .. 90 
 
 78 
 
INDEX. 
 
 187 
 
 Coleridge “ done up.” 
 Coleridge’s “Watchman.” .. 
 Coliins and Elliston 
 Collins and the Critic 
 Collins’s Marriage 
 Collins’s Skittle-player 
 Collins, the Poet . 
 
 Colman and Hook 
 Colonel Mellish 
 Common Case 
 Comparison 
 Compliment 
 Compliment to Royalty 
 Congreve Rockets 
 Consolation under Difficulties 
 Consultation of Physicians 
 Contest with Monkeys 
 Cool Hand 
 
 Cookery and Concentration j 
 Cool Retort 
 Cost of a Picture 
 Coughing Down . . 
 
 Cowper’s Poems 
 Credit .. 
 
 Credit and Debt 
 Crime of being Y oung 
 Crocketter 
 
 Crocodiles on the Mississippi 
 Cromwell 
 
 Cunning Astrologer 
 Cure and Kill 
 Cruel Case 
 Cure for the Colic 
 Curious Epitaph . . 
 
 Curran and the Farmer .. 
 Curran’s Gratitude 
 Curran’s Law Library 
 Cutting an Acquaintance . . 
 Cutting Joke .. 
 
 Page 
 .. 67 
 . 178 
 
 .. 93 
 
 .. 145 
 .. 94 
 
 .. 147 
 .. 157 
 .. 147 
 .. 123 
 21, 126 
 .. 166 
 .. 131 
 .. 19 
 
 .. 152 
 .. 106 
 .. 54 
 
 .. 183 
 4, 67, 86, 107 
 .. 43 
 
 .. 40 
 
 .. 146 
 .. 70 
 
 .. 179 
 .. 39 
 
 .. 7 
 
 .. 35 
 
 .. 140 
 .. 153 
 .. 60 
 .. 36 
 
 .. 7 
 
 ... 65 
 
 .. 9 
 
 .. 116 
 .. 125 
 .. 59 
 
 .. 82 
 .. 3 
 
 .. 17 
 
 Dainty Criminal . . 
 
 Dancing Archbishop 
 Dangerous Fools . . 
 
 Daniel Webster . . 
 
 Day too late 
 Deaf Lady 
 Dead Alive 
 
 Dear Meal .. .. .. 39, 
 
 Death of Dr. Adam Clarke by Cholera 
 Death of the Duke of Richmond from Hydro- 
 phobia .. 
 
 Death of Kean, the Tragedian 
 Death of Lord Bacon 
 Death of Sir John Moore at Corunna 
 Death of Wilberforce 
 De Foe’s Wit 
 Degrees of Beauty 
 Dehcate Hint 
 Deiille’s only Pun 
 Desired Effect 
 Desperate Defence 
 Dialogue in the Western Highlands of Scot- 
 land 
 
 Dilatory Inclinations 
 Dilemma 
 Dinde aux Truffes 
 Dinner Invitations 
 Dirty Judge 
 Disprover 
 Distinction 
 Distinctions of Dress 
 “ Di Tanti Palpiti ” 
 Dolls’ Eyes 
 Doncaster Races .. 
 “Double Times” .. 
 Dress and Merit . . 
 Dressing Asparagus 
 Drinking 
 
 Drinking alone . . 
 Dfollto order 
 
 25, 
 
 65, 
 
 22 
 
 142 
 192 
 130 
 
 20 
 
 16 
 
 28 
 
 85 
 
 94 
 
 66 
 
 12 
 
 157 
 
 88 
 
 104 
 
 109 
 
 80 
 
 33 
 
 148 
 
 111 
 
 143 
 
 82 
 
 26 
 
 45 
 
 156 
 
 52 
 
 134 
 
 17 
 154 
 
 3 
 
 128 
 
 142 
 
 145 
 
 59 
 7 
 
 60 
 6 
 
 40 
 
 18 
 
 Page 
 
 Dr. Harrington, of Bath .. .. ..181 
 
 Dr. Parr .. .. . .. 143 
 
 Dr. Parr at Whist .. .. ..14 
 
 Dr. Williams and the Horse-eye Water . . 166 
 
 Dry Humour . . . . . . . . 59 
 
 Duel between Lord Mohun and the Duke of 
 Hamilton .. .. .. ..155 
 
 Duke and the Hackney-coachman . . . . 2 
 
 Dull Man .. .. .. ..56 
 
 Dumesnil at Acre .. .. .. ..80 
 
 Dunning and Lord Mansfield .. ..134 
 
 Dunning and Lord Thurlow . . . . 68 
 
 Dun Tricked .. .. .. ..129 
 
 Dutchman’s Testimony .. '.. ..122 
 
 Dutch News . . . . . . . . 45 
 
 Dyspepsy .. .. .. .. 14 
 
 Ear and Taste for Music . . . 69, 162 
 
 Early Profligacy .. .. ..167 
 
 Easy Cure . . . . . . . . 5 
 
 Easy Remedy . . . . . . ..11 
 
 Eating Fast .. .. .. ..54 
 
 Eating Olives .. .. .. ..23 
 
 Eating Pig .. .. .. ..140 
 
 Eccentric Autograph .. .. ..29 
 
 Eccentric Benevolence .. .. .. 150 
 
 Eccentric Humanity .. .. ..13 
 
 Ecclesiastical Correction . . . . . . 58 
 
 Edmund Kean’s First Season .. ..160 
 
 Edward Everett .. .. .. ..118 
 
 Effects of Drunkenness . . . . . . 28 
 
 Effect of Music .. .. ., ..118 
 
 Electric Telegraph in England . . . . 24 
 
 Elliston and George IV. . . . . . . 37 
 
 Emperor Saved .. .. .. ..112 
 
 Encounter with a Boa-constrictor .. .. 91 
 
 Enduring Grief of Widows .. ..132 
 
 English Bulls .. .. .. ..132 
 
 Epicures Tricked . . . . . . 28 
 
 Epicurism and Statesmanship .. ..63 
 
 Error Corrected . . . . . . . . 2 
 
 Error in Persons .. .. .. ..17 
 
 Errors of the Press, by a Reporter . . . . 165 
 
 Escape . . . . . . . . . 39 
 
 Escape of Tom Paine .. .. ..160 
 
 Est4l Possible ? .. .. .. ..162 
 
 Estimate of a Life . . . . . . 39 
 
 Eugene Aram .. .. .. .. 139 
 
 Exception .. .. .. ..47 
 
 Execution of Sir Walter Raleigh . . . . 79 
 
 Explosion .. . .. ..158 
 
 Fair Compliment . . .. .. .. 101 
 
 False Estimate . . . . . . . . 65 
 
 Familiar Blank Verse .. .. .. 2 
 
 Familiarity .. .. .. ..51 
 
 Family Slaughter .. .. ..143 
 
 Family Suit .. .. .. ..12 
 
 “ Farthing Jamie” .. .. ..50 
 
 Fattening a Queen .. ,. ..77 
 
 Federoff’s Steam-engine .. .. ..169 
 
 Felicitous Looks . . . . . . . . 55 
 
 Fielding’s “Tom Jones ” .. 
 
 Fighting by Measure .. • • ..113 
 
 Finding a Settler.. .. .. ..47 
 
 Finding Money . . . . . . .37 
 
 First and best Bottle . . . . . . 23 
 
 First Forged Bank of England Note . . 30 
 
 First London Banker . . . . . . 32 
 
 First Waggon and Post-Chaises .. ..109 
 
 Fishing for Company . . . . ..11 
 
 Fives .. .. .. .. ..157 
 
 Flatterers of Napoleon . . . . ..115 
 
 Fleet Marriages .. .. .. ..161 
 
 Flight of the Princess Charlotte . . . . 53 
 
 Folly of Duelling . . . . * . . . . 7 
 
 Foote’s Envy .. .. .. ..123 
 
 Foote’s Quarrel with the Duchess of Kingston 151 
 Foote’s Wooden Leg . . . . .82 
 
 Footiana .. . . . ..102 
 
188 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Page 
 
 Force of Habit •• .. .. •• 1 
 
 Foreigner’s Blunders .. .. ..21 
 
 Fox Yarn .. .. .. ..92 
 
 Franco-English .. .. .. ..22 
 
 Franking Letters .. .. ..157 
 
 Franklin’s Grave .. .. ..165 
 
 Free-Trade .. .. .. ..50 
 
 French English . . • • . . . . 9 
 
 French Language . . . . . . 23 
 
 French Play-bills •• .. ..48 
 
 French Soup . .. .. .. 159 
 
 Friendly Banter .. . •• ..21 
 
 Fuchsia .. .. .. ..75 
 
 Gainsborough’s Pigs 
 Gallipot 
 
 Garth’s Patients 
 Gauging 
 
 General Generalissimo 
 General Rapp 
 George Bidder 
 George Colman 
 George Colman’s Wit 
 George II. and Garrick 
 George II. and the Recorder 
 George III. and Joseph Lancaster 
 George IV. and his Architect 
 George Morland at Islington 
 German English . . 
 
 Ghost Puzzled 
 Gillray the Caricaturist 
 Gin Punch at the Garrick . . 
 Goldsmith at Islington 
 Good Advice 
 Good Collector 
 Good Neighbours 
 Good Riddance •• 
 
 Good Rule 
 Good Wish 
 
 Gooseberry Champagne . . 
 
 Gooseberries 
 
 Gouty Shoe 
 
 Governesses 
 
 Grace maUapropos 
 
 Greenland Family 
 
 Gretna Customer .. 
 
 Growth of Felicity 
 Growth of Sentiment 
 Gutting the Fish 
 
 .. 73 
 .. 74 
 .. 105 
 .. 110 
 .. 107 
 .. 115 
 .. 76 
 
 .. 122 
 .. 117 
 .. 18 
 .. 137 
 .. 110 
 .. 89 
 
 .. 86 
 .. 39 
 .. 50 
 
 .. 120 
 .. 59 
 
 .. 150 
 58, 92 
 .. 11 
 .. 68 
 .. 14 
 
 .. 160 
 .. 49 
 
 .. 27 
 .. 80 
 .. 38 
 
 .. 141 
 .. 14 
 
 .. 3 
 
 .. 138 
 .. 12 
 .. 7 
 
 .. 107 
 
 Half-and-Half .. 
 
 Half Justice 
 Hall and Kippis . . 
 
 Hammersmith Ghost 
 Handel and the Bishops 
 Handel’s Music . . 
 
 Hang together 
 Happy Hit 
 Happy Thought • • 
 
 Hard Case 
 
 Harlow’s Picture of the “ Trial of Queen 
 Katherine” 
 
 Harlow’s Sign-Painting 
 Haydn’s Razor Quartet 
 Hay don painting the “Reform Banquet,” in 
 <1832 .. 
 
 Head Wager 
 Helps to Memory .. 
 
 Henry Erskine 
 Herne’s Oak 
 Herodotus every-day 
 High Character . . 
 
 High Knowledge . . 
 
 Highland Husband 
 Highwayman 
 Hint Taken 
 Hip, hip, hurra 1 .. 
 
 Hippopotamus in the Zoological Society’s Me- 
 nagerie, Regent’s-park 
 History of a Jewel 
 
 Hoaxing an Audience 
 Hoaxing an Heir .. 
 
 Honest Lawyer • • 
 
 Honour .. 
 
 Hood and Grimaldi 
 Hook Answered . . 
 
 Hook at the Athenasum Club 
 Hook at Oxford .. 
 
 “ Hope Told a Flattering Tale ” 
 Home Tooke and Wilkes . . 
 Horse-dealing Trials 
 Hot and Cold 
 
 How they build in New York 
 How to enjoy a Venison Feast 
 How to hear the Gospel 
 How to stop a runaway Horse 
 How to win a Kingdom 
 Huskisson and Free Trade 
 
 Page 
 .. 86 
 .. 65 
 34, 46 
 .. 142 
 .. 76 
 .. 166 
 .. 162 
 .. 33 
 .. 125 
 .. 20 
 .. 62 
 .. 2 
 .. 154 
 .. 5 
 
 .. 132 
 .. 81 
 .. 22 
 .. 107 
 
 Ideas of Comfort .. 
 
 Idea of Eternity . . 
 
 Ignorance Bliss .. 
 
 Illustration 
 Immense Lens 
 Immense Trifling 
 Imperial Tokay .. 
 
 Inadvertance and Epicurism 
 Incident on the Ice 
 Indian Ghost Story 
 Infancy of West, the Painter 
 Ingenious Defence 
 Ingratitude 
 Inquisitiveness 
 Intense Cold in Canada 
 Intense Effect 
 
 Introducers of Foreign Trees into 
 Invention of Shot . . 
 
 Inventor of the Jacquard Loom 
 
 Ireland’s Shakespeare Forgeries 
 
 Irish Antiquities 
 
 Irish Blunders 
 
 Irish Denial 
 
 Irish Drinking .. 
 
 Irish Duelling 
 Irish Franking .. 
 
 Irish Skill 
 Irish Temperance 
 Iron Mask 
 
 England 
 
 48 
 7 
 
 56 
 12 
 
 157 
 34 
 25 
 16 
 98 
 
 49 
 131 
 165 
 
 57 
 80 
 73 
 
 105 
 
 175 
 
 109 
 
 28 
 
 174 
 
 II 
 
 158 
 111 
 
 15 
 
 151 
 
 179 
 
 70 
 
 1 
 
 131 
 
 James Smith and Justice Holroyd .. 49 
 
 John Adams .. .. .. .. 105 
 
 Johnson and Foote .. .. ..I 
 
 John Wesley and Adam Clark .. .. 137 
 
 Joy of Grief 13 
 
 Katherine Hayes’s Murder of her Husband.. 
 Kean’s Impromptu 
 Kean’s Life 
 
 Kean’s Unfortunate Success 
 Keeping Holidays 
 Kemble and Liston 
 Kenney the Dramatist 
 Kilkenny Cats 
 
 “ King Allen ” and the Banker 
 
 King’s Champion 
 
 King of the Sandwich Islands 
 
 Kitchiner and Colman 
 
 Kitty Clover 
 
 Kneller’s Painting 
 
 Knighthood 
 
 173 
 
 91 
 
 41 
 
 134 
 
 5 
 
 84 
 
 149 
 
 184 
 
 135 
 
 42 
 130 
 
 29 
 
 93 
 
 115 
 
 21 
 
 Lady and the Ambassador 
 
 Lady Drogheda and William Wycherly 
 
 Lady Hobart’s Grace . . . . 
 
 Lady Mary Hony wood 
 
 Lamb and Erskine 
 
 Lancashire Fight .. 
 
 Land and Sea Fights 
 Large and Small 
 Last Farewell 
 
 .. 18 
 .. 144 
 .. 34 
 
 .. 133 
 .. 86 
 .. 172 
 .. 9 
 
 .. 23 
 .. 166 
 
INDEX. 
 
 189 
 
 
 Page 
 
 
 
 Page 
 
 Last Hours of the Poet Canmbell . . 
 
 .. 27 
 
 Mathews a Spanish Ambassador 
 
 
 •• H9 
 
 Last War” 
 
 .. 69 
 
 Mathews in America 
 
 
 .. 74 
 
 Late Discovery 
 
 -- 43 
 
 Mathews misguided 
 
 
 .. 56 
 
 Late to Dinner 
 
 .. 6 
 
 Mayoralty Reading 
 
 
 .. 1C9 
 
 Late Marriage 
 
 .. 153 
 
 Mealy Pan 
 
 
 .. 155 
 
 L-a-w • • • • • • • • 
 
 .. 64 
 
 Melodramatic Hit 
 
 
 .. 101 
 
 Lawful Ejectment 
 
 .. 89 
 
 Melting of a Watch by Lightning 
 
 
 .. 160 
 
 Law’s Delay 
 
 23, 40 
 
 Mermaid of 1822 .. 
 
 
 .. 114 
 
 Lawyers in America 
 
 .. 37 
 
 Michael Angelo’s Nose 
 
 
 . . 64 
 
 Learning French . . 
 
 .. 165 
 
 Michael Faraday 
 
 
 .. 36 
 
 Learning Greek .. 
 
 .. 2 
 
 Milesian Advice 
 
 
 .. 21 
 
 Legal Adulteration 
 
 .. 114 
 
 Minor Grecians . . 
 
 
 .. 42 
 
 Legal Wit 
 
 .. 148 
 
 Miracle .. 
 
 
 .. 151 
 
 Lending Money . . 
 
 .. 133 
 
 Miracle solved 
 
 
 .. 156 
 
 Length of the Law 
 
 .. 30 
 
 Mis- Deal 
 
 
 .. 128 
 
 Lesson for a Governor 
 
 .. 72 
 
 Miseries of Retirement 
 
 
 20 
 
 Letter H 
 
 .. 27 
 
 Miser’s Charity . . 
 
 
 .. 6 
 
 Life Insurance 
 
 .. 29 
 
 Miss Burdett Coutts’ Fortune 
 
 
 .. 79 
 
 Lincoln’s-inn Dinners 
 
 .. 32 
 
 Mistake 
 
 7, 54, 
 
 64, 147 
 
 Liqueurs 
 
 .. 27 
 
 Mistakes about Coffee 
 
 
 .. 26 
 
 Longest Lawsuit . . 
 
 .. 9 
 
 Molihre’s Physician 
 
 
 .. 3 
 
 Long Stories 
 
 .. 23 
 
 Monk Lewis’s Play of the “ Castle 
 
 Spectre’ 
 
 ’.. 42 
 
 Long Story 
 
 .. 113 
 
 Morland’s Secret . . 
 
 
 .. 89 
 
 Long Pause 
 
 .. 148 
 
 Mosquito Story .. 
 
 
 .. 83 
 
 Long Yarns 
 
 .. 12 
 
 Mother Tongue .. 
 
 
 .. 152 
 
 Lord Bath 
 
 .. 127 
 
 Mountebank of Last Century 
 
 
 .. 101 
 
 Lord Brougham . . 
 
 .. 39 
 
 Mozart and the Orchestra . . 
 
 
 .. 73 
 
 Lord Byron 
 
 .. 147 
 
 Mrs. Howe and her absent Husband 
 
 .. 149 
 
 Lord Byron’s Plum-pudding 
 
 .. 24 
 
 Mrs. Trollope’s Conversations with an Ameri- 
 
 Lord Castlereagh and the Irish Labourer .. 31 
 
 can Woman 
 
 
 .. 141 
 
 Lord Derwentwater’s Head 
 
 .. 137 
 
 Mr. Tierney’s Humour 
 
 
 .. 81 
 
 Lord Dudley’s Absence of Mind, and “ Think- 
 
 Munchausen Story 
 
 
 .. 54 
 
 ing aloud ” . . * 
 
 .. 152 
 
 Murderer Discovered 
 
 
 .. 146 
 
 Lord Eldon and the Prince Regent 
 
 .. 103 
 
 Music, Extraordinary Transposition in 
 
 .. 171 
 
 Lord Ellenborough’s Powers of Ridicule 
 
 .. 43 
 
 
 
 
 Lord-Keeper Ellesmere 
 
 .. 96 
 
 Narrow Escape . . 
 
 
 . 68 
 
 Lord Loughborough and George III. 
 
 .. 164 
 
 Narrow Escape of Lord Castlereagh 
 
 .. 20 
 
 Lord North and Fox 
 
 .. 22 
 
 Names of Provisions 
 
 
 .. 184 
 
 Lord North asleep 
 
 .. 76 
 
 Napoleon and Fouche 
 
 
 .. 29 
 
 Lord North’s Drollery 
 
 .. 82 
 
 Napoleon’s Boulogne Flotilla 
 
 
 .. 63 
 
 Lord St. Vincent’s Entrance into the Navy . . 44 
 
 Napoleon’s Escape from Elba, in 1814 
 
 .. 117 
 
 Losing Time 
 
 .. 6 
 
 Napoleon’s Savagery 
 
 
 .. 64 
 
 Loss of an Arm . . 
 
 .. 18 
 
 Napoleon’s Willow 
 
 
 .. 48 
 
 Lost and Found . . 
 
 .. 105 
 
 National Absurdities 
 
 
 . 128 
 
 Lost Bank of England Notes 
 
 .. 30 
 
 National Anthem . . 
 
 
 .. 41 
 
 “ Lost Luggage Office ” of the North-Western 
 
 National Vanity 
 
 
 .. 28 
 
 Railway 
 
 .. 10 
 
 Nature and Art 
 
 
 .. 17 
 
 Lottery Ticket .. 
 
 .. 130 
 
 Nautical Sermon 
 
 
 .. 94 
 
 Louis XIV. and Condd 
 
 .. 33 
 
 Negro Funeral 
 
 
 .. 65 
 
 Louis XVI., by Chateaubriand 
 
 .. 98 
 
 Nelson and Beckford 
 
 
 .. 166 
 
 Love and Cookery 
 
 .. 108 
 
 Newspaper Stamp 
 
 
 .. 71 
 
 Love and Madness 
 
 .. 126 
 
 “ Nice to a Shaving” 
 
 
 .. 148 
 
 “ Love me, love my Dog” . . 
 
 .. 116 
 
 Nicknames 
 
 
 .. 113 
 
 Loyalist .. 
 
 .. 154 
 
 Nigger’s Idea of the Electric Telegraph 
 
 .. 84 
 
 Lucky Fellow 
 
 .. 185 
 
 Night’s Rest 
 
 
 .. 14 
 
 Lucky Escapes 
 
 .. 84 
 
 No bad Rule 
 
 
 .. 21 
 
 Lucky Exchange 
 
 .. 134 
 
 Nobles of Johanna 
 
 
 .. 124 
 
 Lucky Sir Robert Strange 
 
 .. 29 
 
 Noble Sport 
 
 
 .. 150 
 
 Ludicrous Blunders 
 
 .. 46 
 
 No Judge 
 
 
 .. 54 
 
 Ludicrous Comparison 
 
 .. 192 
 
 Notes at an Inn . . 
 
 
 .. 178 
 
 Ludicrous Scene 
 
 .. 71 
 
 Nothing Impossible 
 
 
 .. 148 
 
 Luxurious Smoking 
 
 .. 20 
 
 Notions of Antiquity 
 
 
 .. 8 
 
 
 
 Novel Pickpockets 
 
 
 .. 31 
 
 Madeira Wine 
 
 .. 43 
 
 Nuisance 
 
 
 .. 15 
 
 Magdalene 
 
 .. 158 
 
 
 
 
 Magisterial Ignorance 
 
 .. 65 
 
 Obstinacy in Argument . . 
 
 
 .. 40 
 
 Maid of Rouen 
 
 .. 85 
 
 Obstinate Critter 
 
 
 .. 18 
 
 Making Champagne 
 
 .. 6 
 
 Odd Comparison 
 
 
 .. 149 
 
 Making it up 
 
 .. 37 
 
 Odd Complaint 
 
 
 .. 61 
 
 Make-weights 
 
 .. 15 
 
 Odd Evidence 
 
 
 .. 152 
 
 Man Traps 
 
 .. 131 
 
 Odd Foresight 
 
 
 5 
 
 Marat, the French Revolutionist 
 
 .. 83 
 
 Odd Housekeeping 
 
 
 !! 39 
 
 March of Intellect 
 
 1 , 16 
 
 Odd Humour 
 
 
 .. 59 
 
 Marmontel’s Friends 
 
 .. 127 
 
 Odd Justice 
 
 
 .. 139 
 
 Married Women 
 
 .. 19 
 
 Odd Race 
 
 
 .. 14 
 
 Marvel .. 
 
 .. 86 
 
 Odd Reason 
 
 
 .. 17 
 
 Massillon’s Preaching 
 
 .. 56 
 
 Odd Trick 
 
 
 .. 31 
 
 Match for Abemethy 
 
 .. 95 
 
 Old Jests 
 
 
 .. 97 
 
 Mathematician’s Hat 
 
 .. 90 
 
 Old Soldier .. .. 
 
 
 .. 15.8 
 
 Mathews and the Silver Spoon 
 
 .. 52 
 
 Old Squibs 
 
 
 .. 124 
 
190 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Old Pobo, the Negro 
 Omelette and Longevity 
 Omens 
 
 Omnibus Trick . . 
 
 One Eye 
 
 Opera-House Speculation 
 Origin of Bottled Ale 
 Origin of “ Jim Crow” 
 
 Origin of the “ Beggar’s Opera” 
 
 Origin of the Burning of Moscow 
 Origin of the House of Russell 
 Origin of Parson Adams . . 
 
 Origin of Post-paid Envelopes 
 Origin of Reflecting Lighthouses 
 Outwitting 
 
 Pains and Toils of Authorship 
 Paley 
 
 Paley’s Sermons . . 
 
 Panic at New York 
 Paradise 
 
 Parliamentary Reporting 
 Parliamentary Reprimand 
 Parsimony of Nollekens 
 Partition of Poland 
 Patd d’ Amour 
 Patriarchal Chambermaid 
 Patrick Henry, the American Orator 
 Patriotism Impromptu 
 Patronage of Authors 
 Pet Animals 
 Pickpocketing 
 “Pickwick Papers 
 Piece of Plate 
 Piercing Reproof 
 Piper’s Curse 
 Pitt and Dundas 
 Plain Language 
 Plain People 
 Pleasant Deserts , 
 
 Pleasant Message 
 Pleasures of a Crowd 
 Pleasures of the Table 
 Plurality of Wives 
 Poetic Will 
 
 Poetry and Gardening 
 Poets in a Puzzle 
 Poet Waller 
 Poisoned Beauty . . 
 
 Polite Correction 
 Polite Evidence . . 
 
 Politeness of George IY. 
 
 Political Corruption 
 Political Integrity 
 Political Gunpowder 
 Political Sinecure 
 Poor-man -of-mutton 
 Pope on Royalty . . 
 
 Portrait of Napoleon 
 Port Wine and Paralysis 
 Poser 
 Postscripts 
 Powers 
 
 Practical Definition 
 Practical Retort . . 
 
 Practical Wit 
 Praying for a Partner 
 Preaching to the Poor 
 Presentiment of Death 
 Price of Possessions 
 Princely “ Bespeak ” 
 
 Pride of Ancestry 
 Prince Louis Napoleon’s Descent upon Bou- 
 logne .. 
 
 Prince Louis Napoleon’s Descent upon Stras- 
 bourg 
 
 Printers’ Blunders 
 Profitable Juggling 
 Profit and Loss . . 
 
 Promising Toast . . 
 
 Page 
 
 .. 60 
 .. 154 
 .. 129 
 
 .. 73 
 .. 126 
 49,55 
 
 Proper Fortune . . 
 Prophecy Fulfilled 
 Prophecy of Spectres 
 Proud Duke of Somerset 
 Proud Heart 
 Prudent Choice . . 
 Prudential Consideration 
 Public Accounts . . 
 Pulteney Guinea . . 
 
 Puns by George IV. 
 
 Pun of a Dish 
 
 Punster 
 
 Pythagoreans 
 
 “ Quasi ” 
 
 Queen Victoria and the Page 
 Queen Victoria and the Parrot 
 Queer Heraldry 
 Queer Specimens of Honour 
 Question Settled . . 
 
 Quick, the Actor . . 
 
 Quid pro Quo 
 Quiet Theft 
 
 Rare Virtue 
 Rats stealing Eggs 
 Rattlesnake 
 Reading the Newspaper 
 Ready Answer 
 Real Poverty 
 Real Tragedy 
 Reason .. 
 
 Reasonable Fellow 
 Rebel Lords 
 Rebuke 
 
 Recollection of Milton 
 Red-post Squire .. 
 
 Regality of Genius 
 
 Page 
 
 Resemblance 
 Respect for Unprotected Property 
 Restoration 
 Resurrectionist Broil 
 Retort Lie 
 
 Revolutionary Relation 
 Richmond Hoax . . 
 
 RidiDg . . 
 
 Right Organ 
 Right to a Crack . . 
 
 Rival Bass Singers 
 Roast Pig 
 Rossini and Bishop 
 Rouge 
 
 Rousseau’s Troubles 
 Royal Blunder 
 Royal Matchmaking 
 Royal Opinion 
 Royal Pun 
 Royal Repartee . . 
 
 Royal Residences 
 Royal Speech by Candlelight 
 Royal Wig 
 Rubens and the Lion 
 Ruffs and Reeves 
 Ruling Passion .. 
 
 Rum and Water . . 
 
 Runs upon the Bank of England 
 Rustic Ignorance . . 
 
 Safe Division 
 Safe Ministry 
 Sagacity of a Dog.. 
 
 Sagacity of Rats . . 
 
 Sailor and Bull . . 
 
 Sailor and the Actress 
 Sailors 
 
 Salisbury Cathedral Spire 
 Sang Froid 
 Sapient Lord Mayor 
 Satisfaction 
 
 50 , 87 , 135 
 
 Time .. 
 38 , 58 , 
 
 106 , 130 , 161 
 
INDEX. 
 
 191 
 
 } 
 
 Page 
 
 Scarlet Fever .. .. •• ..158 
 
 School Discipline , . • • • • . . 9 
 
 Scolding Wife .. 142 
 
 “Scratch” .. • • •• ..162 
 
 Sea-Serpent off the American Coast . . 163 
 
 Sea-Serpent off the Western Islands . . 163 
 
 Seeking a Place .. 
 
 Self Devotion and Cookery 
 September Massacres of the French Revolu- 
 tionof 1792 .... 
 
 Settler .. 
 
 Settling a Question 
 Sharp Shot 
 
 Sheridan and the Playwright 
 Sheridan Convivial 
 Sheridan’s Distresses 
 Sheridan’s Payment 
 Sheridan’s “ Pizarro” 
 
 Sheridan’s Wit 
 Shipping the Indian Mail at Southampton .. 184 
 Sidney Smith .. .. .. ..171 
 
 Siege of Acre, in 1840 .. .- .. 113 
 
 SieveofaMan 
 Sight-seeing 
 Silent Woman 
 Silk gown 
 Simile . . 
 
 Singular Presentiment 
 Sir Astley Cooper 
 Sir Humphrey Davy 
 Sir James Mackintosh 
 Sir James Mackintosh at Bombay 
 Sir Joseph Banks’s Balance 
 Sir Walter Scott and Constable 
 Sleeping round .. 
 
 Sleep-walking .. .. .. ..77 
 
 Sleepy Government 
 Slight Circumstances 
 Small Glass 
 Small Service 
 Smoking Manners 
 Smoking 
 Smoking Club 
 Smoking Oddity . . 
 
 Smollett’s “ Hugh Strap” 
 
 Snail Dinner 
 Snake Story 
 
 Snoring.. .. .. .. ..78; 
 
 Snuff-Box 
 Snuff-taking 
 
 Social Changes .. .. .. .. 192. 
 
 Soldier’s Appeal .. 
 
 " ' ' ..54 
 
 Solecism in Manners 
 Solomon’s Temple 
 Somerset House and Lord 
 Sonnet on Steam 
 Sound •• 
 
 Spectator 
 Special Pleading 
 Spirited Reply 
 Spoiling a Story 
 Stage Blunders . 
 Stage-Coaches of bygone Days 
 Stage Effect 
 Stale Lobster 
 Stammering 
 
 Statistics of Bachelorism 
 Stealing the Word 
 Steam-boat Racing 
 Stolen Bank-notes 
 Story of a Cavalier 
 Story of a Magnolia 
 Story of the Poet Lovelace 
 Strawberry 
 Striking Reproof .. 
 
 Sublime and Ridiculous 
 Successful Tact 
 Sudden Deaths on the Stage 
 Suet’s Landlady .. 
 
 .. 176 
 .. 61 
 .. 26 
 
 Suggestion 
 Summary Decision 
 Swallowing a Writ 
 S wallowing Knives 
 Sweet Reproof 
 
 Swelled Ankles at a Discount 
 Swift arid the Bishop of Kilmore 
 Swift’s Loves 
 
 Taking Wine 
 Talent not Hereditary 
 Tallerand’s Promise 
 Talleyrand’s Versatility 
 Talleyrand’s Wit 
 Taste for Music . . 
 
 Teaching the Young Idea 
 Tea in Scotland . . 
 
 Teetotaller outwitted 
 Telegraphic Blunder 
 Telling one’s -Age 
 Temperance Cruets 
 Temperance Preachers 
 “ That’s the Allegory ” 
 
 Theatrical Wit . . 
 
 There and Back again 
 “ There’s a Language that 
 Thistlewood, the Traitor 
 Three Reasons 
 Thurlow and Pitt 
 Tide to Fortune . . 
 
 “Tipping the Cold Should 
 Toast of a Scotch Peer 
 Tom Dibdin and the 
 Tom Hill 
 
 Tom Sheridan. out Shootin 
 Too late at Church 
 Top and Bottom 
 Topham, the strong Man of Islington 
 True Consolation 
 Trade against Land 
 Trafalgar 
 Tragedy MS. 
 
 Traveller Nonplussed 
 Travelling in France 
 Trial by Battle . . 
 
 Triumphant Retort 
 True Bill 
 True Consolation 
 True Generosity ... 
 
 True Philosophy 
 True Politeness . . 
 
 True to the Text 
 True Valour 
 Turning the Grindstone 
 Turning the Tables 
 Turnpike Roads v. Railways 
 Turpin’s Sang Froid 
 Turtle Soup 
 Twofold Illustration 
 Two Friends 
 Two Legs 
 Two Robins 
 Two Smiths 
 Two Turbots 
 Two Watches 
 
 Tycho Brahe’s Love of the 
 Tycho Brahe’s Nose 
 Tyrolese Bravery . . 
 
 Ultimatum 
 Umbrellas 
 Unfair Advantage . . 
 
 Unfortunate Comparison 
 Unfortunate Resemblance . 
 
 Union of Literary Compositions 
 Unlucky Text 
 Unparalleled Parsimony 
 Unreasonable Horse 
 Unwelcome Title .. 
 
 Utility of Almanacks 
 
 Page 
 .. 79 
 
 .. 9 
 
 .. 21 
 .. 140 
 .. 162 
 .. 145 
 ... 80 
 .. 174 
 
 .. 24 
 .. 106 
 .. 52 
 
 .. 145 
 .. 81 
 .. 36 
 
 .. 131 
 .. 13 
 
 .. 52 
 .. 84 
 .. 23 
 
 .. 15 
 
 .. 48 
 
 .. 93 
 .. 109 
 .. 101 
 .. 30 
 .. 90 
 
 .. 144 
 .. 55 
 
 .. 102 
 . 55 
 
 .. 80 
 .. 52 
 .. 122 
 .. 19 
 
 .. 139 
 .. 51 
 
 .. 87 
 .. 30 
 .. 93 
 .. 109 
 .. 46 
 .. 146 
 .. 107 
 .. Ill 
 .. 132 
 .. 146 
 .. 30 
 
 16 
 
 .. 16 
 .. 113 
 .. 33 
 
 .. 115 
 .. 126 
 .. 39 
 .. 4 
 
 .. 149 
 .. 61 
 .. 7 
 
 .. 116 
 .. 49 
 .. 177 
 46, 48 
 .. 51 
 .. 13 
 
 .. 121 
 .. 116 
 .. Ill 
 
 .. 14 
 
 .. 130 
 .. 5 
 
 .. 26 
 .. 41 
 
 .. 2 
 .. 79 
 .. 156 
 .. 99 
 .. 142 
 .. 65 
 
192 
 
 Value of Applause 
 Vails to Servants . . 
 
 Veal Dinner 
 Veteran Kolombeski 
 Veteran. — The War Medal, 1 
 Very like each other 
 Vicissitudes of Mining 
 Victor Hngo 
 Vulgarity 
 
 Walpoliana 
 Warm Wish 
 Waterloo Letters 
 Waterloo Medal . . 
 
 Way of the World 
 Way to win a Kiss 
 Wellington at Waterloo 
 Wellington Surprised 
 Wesleys and Wellesleys 
 “ What a dirty Shirt you have on” .. 
 
 “ What a shocking bad Hat you’ve got” 
 What is a Gentleman ? 
 
 What ’s to be done ? 
 
 What was a Pound in a.d. 1000 ? . . 
 Whist .. 
 
 Whist-Playing 
 Who’s He 
 Who’s the Fool .. 
 
 Who’s Who? 
 
 Page 
 
 72, 168 
 
 niiiiiiiiiiiiiii 
 
 3 0112 043234217 
 
 Wife’s Chance 
 Wig Riot 
 
 Wilberforce’s early Life 
 Wilkes’ and Sir William Stani 
 Wilkes’s ready Reply 
 Wilkes’s Tergiversation 
 Wilkes upon Johnson 
 Wilkes’s Wit 
 Wilkie’s Pictures 
 Wilkie’s Simplicity 
 Wine 
 
 Wine and Water 
 Witchcraft 
 Witness Awake 
 Wit of Sir William 
 Wit Outwitted 
 Witty Perversion 
 Wool Gathering 
 Write Plain 
 Writing for the Stage 
 Writing Treason 
 Wrong Day 
 Wrong Leg 
 
 Yorkshire Fun 
 Yellow Coat 
 Young and Old 
 
 Zummerzetshire 
 
 Scott (Lord Stowell) 
 
 Page 
 
 LACONICS, BY THE REV. SYDNEY SMITH. 
 
 (Se6 Portrait in TitJe-page.) 
 
 Dangerous Fools. — I f men are to be fools, it were better that they were fools in little 
 matters than in great ; dulness turned up with temerity is a livery all the worse for the 
 facings ; and the most tremendous of all things is the magnanimity of a dunce. 
 
 Social Changes. — There is not one single source of human happiness against which 
 there have not been uttered the most lugubrious predictions. Turnpike roads, navigable 
 canals, inoculation, hops, tobacco, the Reformation, the Revolution. There are always a set 
 of worthy and moderately-gifted men, who bawl out death and ruin upon every valuable 
 change which the varying aspect of human affairs absolutely and imperiously requires. It 
 would be extremely useful to make a collection of the hatred and abuse that all those 
 changes have experienced, which are now admitted to be marked improvements in our con- 
 dition. Such an history might make folly a little more modest, and suspicious of its own 
 decisions. 
 
 Ludicrous Comparison. — The Rev. Sydney Smith, comparing Mr. Canning in office to a 
 fly in amber, says : — “ Nobody cares about the fly : the only question is, How the devil did it 
 get there ! Nor do I attack him from the love of glory, but from the love of utility, as a burgo- 
 master hunts a rat in a Dutch dyke, for fear it should flood a province. When he is jocular, 
 he is strong ; when he is serious he is like Sampson in a wig. Call him a legislator, a 
 reasoner, and the conductor of the affairs of a great nation, and it seems to me as absurd as 
 if a butterfly were to teach bees to make honey. That he is an extraordinary writer of small 
 poetry, and a diner-out of the highest lustre, I do most readily admit. After George Selwyn, 
 and perhaps Tickell, there has been no such man for this last half- century.” 
 
 
 THE END