BY BRICKTOP ILLUSTRATED BY THOMAS WORTH. Qeorde (£ I • i sxtzetw TTons: : COLLIN, & SMALL, 59 BEEKMAN STREET. Entered according to the Act of Congress in the year 1876, by COLLIN & SMALL, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. <8 \ *\ \ ^ O ^3 O Oo ^HE political pot began to boil some time since, and Cicero Buncomebum was one of the first to catch a sniff of the savory mess. Cicero Buncomebum was a man who had grown gray while waiting for law practice and talking politics in familiar bar- rooms. All at once the gift of eloquence reached for him, and ambi- tion marked him for her own. So far his life had been a blank. His genius had been smouldering, so to speak; but now he resolved to burst forth — to blossom into a forty-horse power orator. His country needed him; the stump fairly yearned for him. He resolved to fly to the arms of that country, and to wreathe that stump with flowers of oratory. As for his politics, they were naturally elastic, anyway, and he would always accommodate the company he found him- self in whenever there was a decided majority on one side or the other. He had already gathered a few button-hole bouquets, figura- tively speaking, by his bar-room eloquence, but now he resol- ved that the whoje country should make a business of laying flowers at his feet. p 48490 4 STUMPING IT. A FEW BAR-ROOM EXPERIMENTS IN ORATORY BY BUNCOMEBTJM. CO l L f Sf / i?u 3 STUMPING IT. 5 First he tried the Republican State Committee for an engage- ment, but the obtuse gentlemen composing it failed to be convin- ced that they needed him. Then he tried the Democratic Committee, and they made good the title of “nincompoops ’ 7 which the Sun had given them. The Republican Committee said they had always regarded him as a Democrat, and the Democrats said they had good reasons to believe him a Republican. He agreed to “turn 77 for either one of them; but they turned, and Buncomebum failed to be employed at all. But he was determined never to give up. The spell was upon him, and he resolved to do it according to Webster. He would go forth like a free lance, and his eloquence should be so effective that both parties would be made sick with regrets at their mistake. He went forth and made a speech. It happened to be in a Tilden locality, and he created quite a sensation by his new style of oratory and his original way of putting things. On this account he was taken up by the Democratic State Committee and sent out as a campaign speaker. Then was Buncomebum happy. He had triumphed once, and trumpets should thereafter speak his name and give it to the world. Tilden and Reform was what he was hired for, and, oh, wouldn’t he make the party in power wish it had never come to a head ? He was given a list of towns in New York State, little ones that needed working up, and told to sow the seed. He was also given something out of one of those “bar’ls o’ money,” and sent on his way. The first town he struck was Yonkers-on-the-Hudson. The moment he got off at the station his eye caught sight of the STUMPING IT. Mr. Buncomebum gazes upon his name on the posters. STUMPING IT. 7 poster on which the name of “ Hon. Cicero Buncomebum” figured like a huckleberry in a pan of milk. Then bounced his noble heart. He could hardly wait for night to come, so eager was he for the fray. Now it so happened that there was a Republican meeting to be held that same night, and some mischievous wags had, by the assistance of paste and scissors, transposed names and lines from one poster to another until it was so mixed that neither party could recognize it. I mentioned that Buncomebum had a way of his own; that he had original methods of putting things,' and one of these original points was to wait until there was a lull in the meeting and then get right up among the audience and let off his oratorical fireworks. So he resolved to keep shady and go to the meeting that night just as though he wasn’t Cicero Buncomebum, and the first opportunity he got, to leap to his feet and electrify the multitude, who would bear him on their shoulders to the platform. So he went to the nearest saloon and toned up a trifle. It was nearly dark, and he walked out to repeat a few passages of his intended speech in the open air, having previously learned the locality of the hall, the name of which he had taken from the altered poster. At eight o’clock he sauntered into the hall like an ordinary mortal and took a seat as near the centre as he could get. A very respectable, orderly gathering was present, but they were too quiet, he thought. There wasn’t “vim” enough in them. So he repeated some of the most telling portions of his speech to himself, and became so engrossed in it that he hardly noticed that the meeting had been called to order and that a glee club was singing a rousing campaign song i 8 STUMPING IT. And he would even address the tobacconists signs to get in practice. Hardly had the last note died away, before Cicero Buncome- bum leaped to his feet. “Mr. Chairman: It behoves every lover of his country to speak. The red-handed minions of a corrupt government have the prostrate South by the throat, and their votes are about to be torn from them by a pair of pincers Everybody turned to take a look at him, and he instantly saw that he had made a hit. The very reason that they did not STUMPING IT. 9 applaud he thought was because they were so much startled. And he was right. “When in the course of human events, Mr. Chairman, it be- comes necessary for one party to put a head on another, by elevating the head of their own, a decent respect for the opinions of the world demands that we show our hands.” Here somebody laughed and asked if his hands had been washed lately. But he paid no attention to him. “Tilden and Reform is what the people want.” “Put him out!” shouted several. “Dry up !” “Go shoot yourself!” “Bounce him !” “Run him!” and a hundred other cries completely drowned poor Buncomebum 7 s voice, and he was floating there like a ship in the trough of the sea. “Mr. Chairman ! 77 he yelled, at the same time wondering what the devil it all meant anyhow. “Fire him out ! 77 The chairman vainly tried to restore order. “ Heave him !” and before he could either understand or get a hearing, the indignant crowd fell upon and hustled him out of that hall on the boiled-down double quick. “Now git !” they yelled, as they persuaded him down stairs with shoe leather bouquets. “But, gentleman, you mistake me,” said he. “Not much . 77 “I am the Honorable Cicero Buncomebum.” “Git.” “I was sent here by the Democratic State Committee . 77 “Well, this is no Democratic meeting, you old jackass,” said one man. STUMPING IT. 11 “It isn’t ?” “Not much! Republican.” And a loud laugh was raised at his look of blank astonishment. “ Great yams !” he exclaimed; and turned sadly and thought- fully away. A BOUNCED ORATOR. But he made no effort to find out what had caused the mis- take He was sick, and so he went to the nearest hotel he could find, and sought forgetfulness in a glass of whiskey. 12 STUMPING IT. Buncomebum concludes that he has struck the wrong town, and gets out of it. The mistake was explained to him the next day, but he had no heart for Yonkers; he only wanted to get out of it as speedily as possible. The next night he found a Democratic meeting further up the river and he went for it, making sure he was right and not attempting any of his dramatic originality. But he made quite a sensation by working up his treatment the night before; telling his hearers how he had been bounced STUMPING IT. 13 from a Republican meeting, simply because they discovered accidentally that he was for reform. “Now, fellow citizens, I ask, how much longer this brutal party is to be tolerated?” he said, with eloquence warm enough to make a bean sprout. “ When shall this yoke of tyranny be removed from our necks and our noble party put in place and power ? Hear the groans from the South ! See how the nigger is cutting up! See how he behaved at Hamburg! Look at the black scoundrel in Mississippi ! Fellow citizens, this coon must be knocked on his ambitious head and the white men once more given a chance. Then why stand we here idle? Our brethern in Yermont, Maine, and Indiana have given us an example of what they intend to do. Let us brace up and do likewise.” This sentiment somehow failed to raise a cheer, and there was some growling in the audience. One or two said Buncome- bum was an ass for meddling with such tender subjects in public, but on the whole his speech was well received, and he began to see the laurel wreath forming around his brows. The next place he was to go to was Tarrytown, and here he attended a banner raising, made a speech and got gloriously drunk on Reform whiskey, otherwise called “crooked.” The larger portion of the next day was devoted to getting the swelling out of his head, after which he hired a team to take him to a little village which lays back from the river a few miles. There was to be a meeting of a Tilden club there, and they had applied to the State committee to send them a speaker; hence Buncomebum. The driver knew little or nothing about the place he was taking him to, only that it was a little dead-and-alive, one- horse affair, and so he was obliged to depend upon whoever they might chance to meet for information. STUMPING IT. 15 The driver proved himself to be one of the Sun’s “nincom- poops / 7 for he lost the way, and it was dark before they got back to the right road again. But they found a tavern and some apple jack which took the cold out of their bones. Finally they met a native on the road, and Buncomebum hailed him. “I say, my good man, are you just from the village ? 77 “ Wal, yas , 77 was the reply. “ Going to be a Democratic meeting there to-night, isn’t there ? 77 “ Yas, I hearn somebody down ter the store say as how they ’spected somebody from York tu speechify them there sommut . 77 “That’s me. Goon, driver,” said he, and onward they went. They arrived at the settlement a few minutes past eight, after which further inquires were in order. Meeting an old woman, Buncomebum hailed her. “ I say, my good woman, where is the meeting being held ?” “ Oh, down tu the schule-house — right down the road thar, where yu see them lights.” “ Many thanks. Now drive on, for we are late.” “ All right. Git up, Jerry !” replied the driver. “ What a dead and alive hole this is. Why, the whole place seems to be asleep.” “ Alius hearn they were a lot of sleepy heads.” “ Ah ! but I’ll wake them up, I’ll give them a dose they will remember until election day. Hurry on. Ah ! there is the school- house,” he said, as they drew near. “ Now don’t that look like a political meeting ? Instead of music, bonfires, flags and banners — why, they are probably talking about the crops. All right. Hitch your horse and come in and see me wake them up,” he said, leaping from the carriage. 16 STUMPING IT. “That’s me. Go ahead, driver.” As Buncomebum had said, it looked very little like a politi- cal meeting. There were gathered probably fifty or seventy- five people, among whom were several ladies. The evening being cool, the windows were closed, and no sound escaped to inform outsiders what was before the meeting. But Buncomebum stepped up upon a rock and took a look into the room. The assemblage was as quiet as a Quaker STUMPING IT. 17 meeting. An old chap occupied the teacher’s desk on the plat- form and appeared to be talking to the others. The sight fired Buncomebum, and he resolved to impart some of his combustion to the audience. Leaping down from the stone he made a dive for the front door. Throwing it open, he walked up the aisle with a swagger that only a man can safely assume who has either won a victory or is sure of winning one. Buncomebum views the field of his proposed triumph. STUMPING IT. 19 Placing his hat on a vacant seat and peeling off his overcoat in a twinkling, and amid the greatest wonderment of the assem- bled citizens, he mounted the platform, and, greatly to the con- sternation of the chairman, banged his fist down upon the desk. He proceeds to electrify the audience. “ Fellow citizens, I am here !” he shouted. There didn’t appear to be any doubt in the minds of any of them on this point, but who the devil he was, or where he came from was another question. 20 STUMPING IT. “ My name is Cicero Buncomebum, of New York. You sent for me, and I have come. I have come to rouse you from the lithergy into which you have fallen and which seems to envelope you like a pall.” Here he paused a moment to catch his breath, and the people looked wonder ingly in each others faces. As for the chairman, he seemed to be paralyzed. Fellow citizens, what do we seek? What is it the country needs most of all ? Why, Reform. In fact, I might say Tilden and Reform.” An audable groan escaped the people. (i Why pines the American eagle? Why trails the star spangled banner in the dust? Why is a nigger as good as a white man ? Why have we hard money here, and hard work to get it, and soft money out West with hard persuasions for more of it ? Who is to blanle for conquering the South, for running in debt for it, and for running the risk of having to pay the Southern war debt ? Who but the party, reeking with spoils and blood, now in power ?” Here the chairman attempted to rise, but the blood of Bun- comebum was up, and starting towards him, more for the pur- pose of striking an attitude than of striking him, the frightened man dropped back into his chair and finally slid down and out among his fellow citizens. “ My friends, this party is now before the country for a new lease of power. It is not yet satiated with blood and spoils. But will you lend your votes to this howling malignity ?” The thought somehow struck the orator that he was not warm- ing the people up very much, so he resolved to strike a higher key, while two or three of the audience struggled to their feet. “ Arouse, ye freemen ! Arouse, ye slaves, sons of a free soil ! Sons who remember the good times and the liberty you enjoyed STUMPING IT. 21 under Pierce and noble old Buchanan, rouse now in your might, and with thunderbolts in your hands, march to the ballot box and blast these riotous mutineers who now hold the ship of state on her dangerous course !” This was the proper place for riotous applause. If anything could provoke it, that burst of fiery eloquence certainly would. But not a murmur. 22 STUMPING- IT. In o, sir, there s no devil here i STUMPING IT. 23 He looked at them in surprise, and found them looking at him in the same way. Finally one old fellow rose to his feet. “I say, mister, do you know where you are?” “ Why, in a political meeting, to be sure,” replied Buncome- bum, in a lower key. “ No, sir, it is nothing of the kind. This is a church meeting to see about building a meeting house.” “ The devil !” exclaimed Buncomebum, now completely smitten. “ No, sir, there is no devil here, unless you are one,” cried a shri] 1-voiced old lady, rising and shaking a huge blue umbrella at him. “ There must be — that is to say, there is a mistake some- where,” said the orator. “ Yes, sir, and you have insulted us,” said another indignant female. “ Well, really I—” “ Go away from here, sir,” said the chairman, who had gathered courage enough to return to his post. “ My friends, I am exceedingly sorry that I have made this mistake, but being sent for to deliver a political speech to the Democrats of this place, I arrived rather late and was told that the meeting was being held here.” “ Go away !” came from a dozen voices. “Certainly!” and taking up his hat and coat, the sickest and saddest looking orator left that house that ever nailed a falsehood. He met his driver at the door. “Did yer wake ’em up, boss?” “No, by thunder, they woke me up,” he replied, sadly. An old fellow who followed him out was appealed to to point 24 STUMPING IT. Buncomebum is put upon the eight track. out the exact location of the Democratic meeting. Being directed to the village store, about half a mile away, the carriage was brought up and the chopfallen orator started again. But ill luck was on his track yet. The political club had assembled about dark, but hearing nothing from the expected orator, they had gone home, swearing about the “ nincompoops” who had the Governors case in hand. But he found a few earnest Democrats yet lingering around 26 STUMPING IT. the tavern, and after asking them all to reform at the bar, he told them who he was, and what a treat they had lost by going home so soon. But he failed to say anything about the seed he spilled at the church meeting. However, where a few earnest souls are gathered together in the cause of reform, the spirit is generally found with them. It was so in this case. A half dozen drinks warmed up Bun- comebum’s eloquence again, and he made that bar-room ring with forensic thunder. In fact, he shook the bottles and glasses on every shelf. Those reformers appeared to be all of one mind. The spirit moved them and they moved the spirit. It was two o’clock be- fore that fountain of inspiration ceased flowing, and even then those who had drank of it so deeply could not tear themselves away. Some of them slept in the bar-room and one or two of them in the barn. Another evidence of the power of eloquence. He reached Tarrytown again about noon the next day. There were bees in his hair, but he simply felt himself a martyr to the cause of reform; braced himself with a cocktail, and then sent the following dispatch to the World and Sun: “ANOTHER HOST FOR TILDEN AND REFORM! TREMENDOUS OUTPOURING AT SHEEPS HEAD CORNERS ! DISMAY IN THE ENEMIES RANKS ! The Honorable Cicero Buncomebnm addressed the people of Sheeps Head Corners last night, and by his masterly eloquence and fine cut logic succeeded in arousing the wildest enthusiasm for Tilden and Reform. Westchester county is sure.” Buncomebum’s next objective point was Sing Sing, that place so greatly endeared to many reformers. There was to be a banner raising there, and a meeting at Palmer Hall, and who could trot out the eagle like our modern Cicero ? STUMPING IT. 27 A committee received him at the depot and escorted him to his hotel. They escorted him to viands and to liquids, of which he partook hopefully. It was nearly night and the time was pregnant with great At Sing Sing Buncomebum is met by the committee of arrangements. events. The banner was all ready to be run out; the band was on hand to toot, and the people began to assemble for the howl. The speech of Buncomebum on this occasion is worthy of being embalmed. Would that I could embalm it in Shakspearean 28 STUMPING IT. verse, or even warm it over into a Whitmanian epic, but I spare my readers. And yet they may not feel used well if I leave that speech out entirely, and so I give extracts of it from the note-book of a reporter who happened to be “ on the spot.” These trifles oft- times save our reputations. But this is how he led off; the first extract being quite as strong as the “pure extract of coffee” which “my brother manufactures:” “ Citizens of happy, proud America, behold the winning card !” said he, pointing to the banner that was just then run across the street. This, of course, brought down the house, or rather the crowd outside, and to make the effect still more dramatic the band struck up “ Bonnie Blue Flag,” at which every throat enlarged from a cheer to a mule-power yell. But just as soon as he could be heard he continued. “Our sister states send greeting. Far away on the southern and western horizon the signal is waved — ‘ Hold the fort; we are coming.’ But we can not hold the fort without a fight. We have got to reason with these ignorant Republicans and show them how much better the country would have been off to-day had they never ruled it. Let us show them our enterprise, our patriotism, our reform, and the many monuments of our achieve- ments. Who has made our country great and free ? (a voice in the crowd, “Democrats.”) Who has built up her trade in cotton, corn, and whisky? (“ Dimicrats, begorra!” shouts an- other voice.) Who has built our canals, railroads, and great in- stitutions ? (several voices in chorus, “Dimicrats!”) Who built even the noble buildings which grace your beautiful town?” (a prolonged yell of “ Dimicrats !”) “ Who fills it?” asked an unreconstructed Boy in Blue, and instantly the same gang of shouters, not noticing but that the STUMPING IT. 29 “ Behold the winning card V 30 STUMPING IT. question had been put by the inflamible orator, shouted lustily, “ Dimicrats !” and then the band struck up to smother the confusion. Of course that reckless interrupter was instantly hunted out of that crowd of patriots. But somehow the laugh which the interruption had awakened took the edge off of Buncomebum’s oratory, and so the managers resorted to fireworks and kept the band tooting. However, the “ raising ” was a success, and before he retired for the night Cicero sent another wild and encouraging tele- graphic dispatch to the “ independent press ” and other friendly organs, showing up the great gathering in glowing colors. It was late that night before an opportunity of sleeping came. There was a gathering of the hungry and the thirsting, at which many a sandwich and many a resolution to swear off was spoiled. But there are mischievous fellows in Sing Sing as well as elsewhere, and as they chanced to be mostly on the opposite side in politics, they concluded to play a joke on the great orator. A lot of Boys in Blue got together about midnight and marched to BuncomebunTs hotel. They sang one or two Tilden songs, gave several cheers, and called for the great orator. His ambitious ears heard and his fluttering heart responded. Hastily giving orders for a collation, he slipped on his clothes and appeared on the piazza of the hotel. And then such a cheer went up, and they asked him to re- peat his speech. All great men are more or less susceptible to flattery, and why not Buncomebum? Was he not reaping politi- cal honors by the armfull ? He thought so and proceeded to repeat his speech as nearly as he could remember it, after which they asked him to sing a STUMPING IT. 31 song. This was rather more than he could do, to tell the truth, but his great ambitious had stomach for everything, and so he attempted to sing a song. It wasn't a very great vocal success, but the Boys were Buncomebum sends a telegram to the friendly press. bound to cheer him and they did, after which he asked them into the hotel to stimulate and brace up at his expense. By this time quite a crowd had assembled and they made that hotel resemble a last year's birds nest in less than five 32 STUMPING IT. minutes, and while this was going on several of the fellows who had put up the job got around Buncomebum and congratulated him upon his speech at the “ raising.” It was the proudest moment of his life. But a change came suddenly over the spirit of- his dream, for one of the party called for three cheers for Hayes and Wheeler, and the response nearly raised the roof and broke the windows. It did raise Buncomebum’s hair. “ What does this mean, gentlemen ?” he asked. “We came to congratulate you,” was the reply. “ Yes, but — ” At that instant a lively Republican campaign song was struck up and the Boys began to march around him in a circle. Cicero was confounded. What the devil did it mean anyhow ? He put in expostulations^ pantomine, but no words could get on top of that song, and before it was finished the crowd marched away, leaving the chopfallen orator in a state of bewilderment and collapse. He appealed to the landlord, but he said “ Boys will be boys, you know.” “Yes, but, confound it, they were Boys in Blue,” said Cicero. “ Well, they are good eaters and drinkers anyway.” “ Yes, but they have been doing all this at my expense.” “You are right, speech and all.” “ Landlord, say nothing about it. Here is a draft on the State Committee for damages. Wake me in time for the first train in the morning.” With a sad heart Buncomebum went to his chilled bed once more. But he could not help thinking that he had made a mis- take, and that it would become noised abroad and fracture his usefulness. STUMPING IT. 33 “Boys will be boys, you know/ 34 STUMPING IT. But he got out of Sing Sing before anybody was astir to guy him on his selling, and going as far up the river as Hudson, he crossed over into Green County and went for Athens. Of all the doubled up towns that a person ever met, this is Buncomebum gets out or Sing Sing. the boss. Not only are its citizens doubled up, but everything connected with the place has a tendency to go “ two ” bad. You feel while in Athens that it was cut out or set out for a city, but frosty circumstances nipped it in the bud. STUMPING IT. 35 But, after all, it is no slouch of a place. It’s greatest fault being, perhaps, that its citizens are very ardent Democrats and very jealous of their peculiar institutions. It was at first thought that it would be a waste of raw material to send a campaign speaker to Athens, but learning that a Hayes and Wheeler club had been formed there, and fearing that its influence might disturb the old-time Democratic majorities, they concluded to send Buncomebum there to keep things straight. Now the reputation of this orator had reached a few of the Boys in Blue at Athens, especially that part of it relating to his great success at Yonkers, and they at once concluded to have some fun to relieve the tedium of the campaign. With this end in view, as soon as it became known that he was to speak there, they began to lay wires. First they praised him in such a way as to lead strangers to their racket to believe that he was really a Republican speaker in disguise, and to think that an oratorical Nasby would be found in him who would flay the Democrats alive, while pretending to be their mouthpiece and one of them. This soon had the desired effect, and by the time Buncomebum arrived in the place the Democratic element had been worked up to its highest pitch of feeling, and hundreds of them had secretly resolved to drop on him the moment his irony showed itself. The managers of course knew better than this, for they were in correspondence with the State Committee, and felt confident that they would not send them any but a thoroughbred Democrat for a speaker. But the masses had got it into their heads that he was a Nasby, and nothing would convince them to the con- trary, since the Boys in Blue were so exultant at his coming. The meeting had been well advertised, and as he was the first 36 STUMPING IT. big gun that had come to them, there was a big gathering, in- cluding a torch light trot and a band of music from Hudson. Buncomebum never felt better in his life. The effect of his escapade at Sing Sing had been wiped from his mind by sundry cock tails, and his eagle of eloquence felt as though some new feathers were on the point of springing out for this especial occasion. One or two speeches were made by the local war-horse; one or two songs had been sung; the band had struggled with several patriotic airs, and finally the Honorable Cicero Buncomebum was introduced. Quite a reception was accorded him, but the dissatisfied of the unwashed noticed that the Boys in Blue who had gathered in large numbers were even louder than the Democrats in their cheers, and this rekindled their suspicions. The imported orator began as follows: “ Mr. Chairman: Fellow Democrats; for fifteen years our be- loved country has languished in the grasp of our enemies. For fifteen years the riotous mutineers have feasted and battened upon her vitality, and now all good men, east, west, north, and south propose to unite for disenthrallment ” A few cheers greeted this burst, but the suspicious ones asked each other what “disenthrallment” meant. Wasn’t there some hidden meaning in the big word ? “ It would be a waste of time to review the deeds of the Republican party. They are engraven on the tablets of our country’s history and punctuated by graves all the way from the beautiful Hudson to the rolling Rio Gfrand. And what do they propose to do if the country is foolish enough to trust them with another term of power ? Why, to keep the negro the poli- tical equal of the white man ; to make it still more impossible for 38 STUMPING IT. us to return to the old condition of things, and continue to steal the money that belongs to us .’ 7 This was sound Democratic doctrine, but still the suspicious ones refused to applaud it, believing that he was only a Repub- lican in disguise. One or two even went so far as to construe the last remark into an insult and several of them hissed. But as this was supposed to come from Republicans, no notice was taken of it. “ Of course , 77 he continued, “ we must expect a few hisses when a nest of scorpions are disturbed. But, my friends, who was responsible at the start for our trouble with the South ? Who but these very Republicans who have been waving aloft the “ bloody shirt” ever since. Didn 7 t they preach against slavery and make the South mad ? Didn’t they bully the South by electing Lincoln ? Didn’t they fairly badger them into open warfare, and then, in spite of all that we could do, didn’t they whip her ? 77 “ You be damned ! 77 shouted five or six of the suspicious ones. “ I will , if it isn’t true , 77 replied the speaker. “ You are a fraud ? 77 they shouted, and a storm of hisses followed. “ And you are Republicans, which amounts to about the same thing . 77 ‘‘ Dry up ! We know you !’ 7 they yelled, and the chairman had to come to the rescue. After partial quiet had been restored this officer conferred with Buncomebum and told him of the suspicions of some of the faithful. “ Great Jackson ! Suspect me of being a Republican?” said Buncomebum, astonished. “ Better try them on finance,” said the chairman, “for if there is anything they like, it is that.” “ All right. My friends, let us pass these very unpleasant STUMPING IT. 39 facts for a moment and consider the finances and business of the country. And in looking at them, what do we find? We find that the bone of labor is soft, the sinew relaxed for want of work, and that the whole country is being sucked dry by taxes The chairman had to come to the rescue. to support this corrupt government, and to pay for the fun it had in subjugating the South. And when we look at the Cincinnati platform we there behold the audacious proposition to pay these enormous war debts, without paying that of the South, and to do so in hard money ! Think of it !” 40 STUMPING IT. It began to rain — rotten eggs. STUMPING IT. 41 - “ Go shoot yourself!”’ yelled a doubter of his honesty. “ Jump into the river and swim out !” " Bounce him !” “ Hustle him !” “*Run him !” “ He’s a black Bepublican !” “ He’s a fraud !” “ Git!” and other complimentary expressions of the crowd's feelings greeted him, and then it began to rain rotten eggs and torches. Poor Buncomebum was highly perfumed and utterly con- founded. He got behind the chairman who was trying to restore order and receiving the unmarketable hen fruit so that the orator might have a chance to wipe off and get his breath. Finding that order was a hard thing to get at, he scooped a rotten egg from his north eye and yelled to the band to play something soothing. They started to play “ Marching through Georgia,” but this being also construed as an insult, the crowd became wild and charged upon the stand. They tipped it over; spilled the officers and orators; drove the band leader’s head through the head of the bass drum, and in various other ways had a good time. But a riot was kindled that promised more than the usual number of broken heads, and so the fire bells were rung and the stream from a steamer turned upon the crowd. This had the effect of dispersing and at the same time washing off several of the victims and belligerents. But it was a sorry ending to so large a meeting, and all on account of those mis- chievous Boys in Blue. As a natural consequence the majority of the assemblage gathered at the nearest hotel, and there compared notes, jawed, and asked questions. As for Buncomebum, he was nowhere to STUMPING IT. 43 be found. It somehow occurred to him that he had made a sad mistake and had attempted to address the wrong meeting. A committee was finally appointed to look him up, and while they were out, the chairman reorganized the meeting after a The firemen succeed in dispersing the crowd. fashion and tried to find out the cause of the disturbance. Some said one thing and some another, but the general idea was that Buncomebum was a Republican in disguise and had been making fun of them. 44 STUMPING IT. The chairman attempted to defend the great orator who had won so many laurels on the stump, but with poor success, and so another speaker was called on to wind up the proceedings, which he proceeded to do without music, since the band had gone home wet, out of tune, and disgusted. The committee found Buncomebum at the telegraph office, where he was just sending the following dispatch to friendly New York papers: “GREEN COUNTY WIDE AWAKE! TREMENDOUS ENTHUSIASM OF THE PEOPLE ! — ATTEMPT OF THE REPUBLICANS TO BREAK UP A DEMOCRATIC MEETING ! ITS COMPLETE FAILURE ! Athens, Oct. 8. — Honorable Cicero Buncomebum addressed last night the largest out-door gathering of Democrats that ever assembled in Green County. A band of music and a torchlight procession graced the occasion, and there was no mistaking the fact that the people are for Tilden and Reform. An ineffectual attempt was made by some Republican hirelings to break up the meeting, but the indignant citizens turned upon and drove them away, after which the meeting went on.” The committee said that was all right and showed great genius, but no arguments which they could use would induce him to return and assist further with the meeting. He said they had evidently made a mistake and it wasn’t worth while to stir up more bile or unsavory eggs by again appearing before them. They had his heartiest sympathies, but he thought he had done enough for that night. Besides, he wanted to go to his hotel and brush up a bit and get ready for a start next morning. And thus ended his experiences upon the stump at Athens. It didn’t make him very proud, and to tell the truth, he wasn’t having the best of luck generally. So he communed with him- self to see if he hadn’t better try another style of oratory. The next morning he received a dispatch from the committee to go to Little Falls and spread himself on the finance question. Now almost anything else in the world was in his line with STUMPING IT. 45 the exception of finances. It was something he knew nothing about. During his whole professional career at the bar, he had never been possessed of cash enough to study upon successfully. True, he had borrowed from a great many people, but the sums were so small that he couldn’t work them into a financial study to save his life. But what he lacked in experience or study he had the happy iaculty of making up for with cheek. It had taken him through 46 STUMPING IT. many a rough place, and why should he hesitate or doubt its potency now ? Without loss of time he took the cars for Albany, and from there to Little Falls, on the Central road, where he found a com- mittee of one waiting to show him over the smart little village, introduce him to his hotel and some of the “ leading Democrats ” of the place. By seven o’clock that evening these leading Dem’s had led STUMPING IT. 47 Buncomebum up to so many different bottles that his ideas be- came somewhat confused, especially on anything that related to finance. But still he trusted in his cheek. In fact, the oftener he drank the greater became his confidence in this quality of his genius. Besides this, he considered himself a true orator, and believing that he was one of those gifted creatures, would not wisdom come to crown his eloquence ? “ Hie! ’Course er will.” The inhabitants assembled in the town hall to be enlightened. The horny-handed sons of toil were there to partake of cliopped- up wisdom, and so, also, were several boys and one or two dogs. It was a full house and an organization was speedily effected, after which the chairman proceeded to eulogize the Honorable Cicero Buncomebum who had come to instruct them upon the issues of the campaign, and more especially upon the state of trade and finance. Buncomebum felt like making an oratorical flight; but his tongue was rather thick and his ideas so confused that it was eminently uncertain where he would land, even if he did succeed in soaring. But bracing himself, he began: “ Fellow citizens: {Me !) the ’Public is in danger! Put none but Americans on guard ! And freedom shrieked as Koskiasco fell ! {Me !) A few young fellows in the lower end of the hall thought they saw something funny about the orator, and laughed. Buncomebum braced himself up, closed one eye as if to con- centrate his vision upon the offenders, and then finally said, with a hiccough, “ ’Course she did !” This brought down the house. “ But, my fren’s, wha’s the enevitable consequences ?” he shouted, and again they laughed. V Buncomebum expounding the currency question. STUMPING IT. 49 “ If ten mills make one cent, does it not follow that ten cents on a dollar, hard money ?” This time the assemblage yelled. It was evident that an evening’s fun was in store for them. “ How is it with soft money? (hie/) Does anybody doubt it?” Shouts of ‘‘No! No ! G-o it, old man!” This encouraged him, and he sailed in. “ To be — be certainly not. What have our opponents to say for themselves ? (hie !) Don’t they yell for the ‘ rag baby ’ and the ‘bloody shirt?’ Don’t that prove it? ’Course it does!” and in giving a gesticular flourish to this poin the got his legs crossed and tumbled over into the chairman’s lap. “ Oh, beg pardon, I — I tripped on the carpet,” said he, but the crowd saw how it was and laughed, while a few hissed roundly. This appeared to wake him up somewhat. “ My friends, (hie!) because I am lame and a great deal over- worked, it’s no sign that you should laugh or think something else,” said he. This brought out an encouraging cheer, and he proceeded. “ As I was saying, the Republicans are so inconsistent as to want hard money all over the country. Not content with giving us hard times, they now wish to cap the climax of their incom- pitency by giving us hard money* How is it with us ? We are more ’commodating. We want the States to settle that question themselves. If the West wishes soft money, let ’em have it; and if the East wants hard money, good enough. Our candi- dates and our platform will accommodate all classss.” This somehow failed to get any applause, and the older ones present concluded that it was a better argument for the Republi- cans than for the Democrats. 50 STUMPING IT. “Look at our great Centennial Exhibition! Isn’t that a Democratic child? You bet. It would have been postponed until the next hundred years if the Democratic House of Rep- resentatives hadn’t taken the matter in hand.” This was applauded for a square fact. “ My friends, the difference between hard and soft money is neatly illustrated by a little story that came into existance in my boyhood days, in a little village in this good old county. An old farmer had two daughters, one with black eyes and one with blue. This farmer was a nice old fellow, always voted the Democratic ticket. I remember hearing him say once on elec- tion day that he didn’t care a darn for any of their new-fashioned candidates; he had always voted for Andrew Jackson and he always should. Yery pig-headed old fellow, but honest. They tried to make him believe once that Jackson was dead, but he said it was only a campaign lie and deposited his written ballot for Andrew Jackson, although they were only voting for gov- ernor and town officers.” Hs seemed to be wandering from his story. “ Well, as I was saying, that goes to show it. The more a man puts down the less he takes up under this political adminis- teration.” {Hie /) The audience waited for a moment, while he surprised his throat with a glass of water, expecting to hear the story, but as he began to launch out in an entirely different direction, they laughed, shouted and hissed for a minute or two. Buncomebum balanced himself and ogled them, but that failed to calm them at all. “ Gentlemen, this is not the first time during this 1 aggres- sive canvass ’ that I have been hissed and assailed by Republi- cans for telling the truth, and I wish it to be distinctly under stood that I am not to be intimidated now. STUMPING IT. 51 Emphasizing on the Chairman. T JLDEN SC REFORM DEMOCRAT'S , ONTO VICTORY! _ VOTE F OR THE GREAT PO LITICAl_?C SOCIAL- K 52 STUMPING IT. This stopped the hissing and increased the laughing. “ The Republicans go before the country on a hard money scow, and it will sink ’em. What we want is a plenty of green- backs and good faith. You can carry a million dollars in green- They laughed, shouted, and hissed for a minute or two. backs in your pockets, but could you carry a million of hard dollars that way ? And don’t that prove it ? Our Revolutionary fathers fought, bled, and died on greenbacks, and what was good enough for them is good enough for you and me. Don’t that * STUMPING IT. 53 prove it ? Gold is a comodity. Do we want comodities ? Let the shade of S. Wright and A. Hamilton answer.” Another burst of applause and a bursting off of buttons fol- lowed, during which the chairman rose and came to the front. “ One moment, if you please. The honorable gentleman ap- pears to be somewhat mixed to night,” said he, “ That’s because he’s mixed his drinks,” shouted some one, at which there was a laugh. “ I guess that perhaps it would be as well to rest the case here and pass a resolution of thanks for the able manner in which he has expounded the financial question to the citizens of Little Falls.” “ Yes, yes !” cried a few voices. / “ No, no !” yelled the majority. “ Let him go on and give us our money’s worth.” In the confusion the chairman fell back and once more occu- pied the chair. “My friends, I bow to the will of the people, Vox Populi vox Dei!” said he, with much fervor, and another cheer followed. “ Tell us that story !” “ Sing us a song !” “ Turn a flip-flap !” “ Stand on your head !” and other calls greated him. “ I move he be put out!” shouted an old man who didn’t believe in making light of serious things. But he was hissed down and Cicero came boldly to the front again. “That man is undoubtedly a Republican,” said he, with- eringly. “ No I arn’t. I’m a good Democrat, and that’s more than aught to be said of you,” said the old chap. 54 STUMPING IT. “ Well, my friends, we’ll forgive him. As I was saying, be- fore this interruption: we had good times and good money under Democratic administrations, and the people are determined to have Tilden and Reform. I see you are all worked up to the proper pitch and so I will not address you further.” THE DISTINGUISHED Democratic “ The honorable gentleman appears to be somewhat mixed to night,” said he. Cries of “ Go on !” resounded through the hall. “ I can not. My great labors in speaking every night thus far during the campaign tell upon me, and I must rest. But the STUMPING IT. 55 electric spark shall bear to the Democratic millions in New York the glad tidings of your enthusisam in the cause of Reform. One word more. Remember Robinson, our candidate for Governor. He is a splendid man. He does not boast of a war record, for what good are such things anyway ? He trained with the Repub- licans until he found out that they did not gratify the longings of his patriotic heart, and then he came over to us. He is a man to be trusted, for we know that he won’t go back to the Republicans again, and we don’t know what moment Morgan may come over to us. “ And this reminds me of a good story.” A wild laughing cheer arose at this and cries of “ Story !” “ Story !” rang through the hall. “ All right. There was once an old farmer — ” This allusion produced another roar. “ An old farmer who had two daughters.” He could hardly be heard for the noise. “ One of them had black and the other blue eyes. Well, this old farmer harnessed up his old nag one day to go into the village to vote. He voted and also got very drunk.” Another shout. ‘ ‘ Good men sometimes get drunk, you know. “ Well, he started for home in the afternoon, but fell asleep in his wagon and the old horse walked along feeding on the grass by the side of the road. Finally a tramp came along, and seeing how matters were he unharnessed the horse, and mounting him, rode away. When the old fellow awoke it was nearly dark and he could not account for his situation, and while scratching his head over it a neigh- bor came along and asked what the trouble was. “ Wal,” said the old man, “ I’m not certin that there’s any trouble at all. But I feel sure of one thing or another; either somebody’s stole my ole mare, or I’ve found somebody’s waggin.” 56 STUMPING IT. An old farmer who had two daughters.' 58 STUMPING IT. “This, my friends, illustrates the situation,” said he and re- tired to a vacant chair. Three cheers, a loud laugh, and a few hisses were his rewards, for what the two daughters had to do with the story, or the story to do with the political situation or anything that he had said, was more than they could understand. But they had enjoyed more fun then ever a political speaker gave them before, and they left the ball reluctantly. As for the committee, they thougJit about reporting him to the State Committee, but having read the flaming dispatch which he sent to the Albany, Syracuse, Rochester, and New York papers, they concluded to let the matter drop. Buncomebum never knew about the points he made that night, but concludes that his genius helped him along, as it cer- tainly did, and he is still on the stump, going from town to town in the cause of Tilden and Reform. And if any of my readers happen to hear him I hope they will continue the send-off I have tried to give him in this little book. THE END. COLLIN & SMALL’S LIST OP PUBLICATIONS. Joining the Grangers. JOINING THE GRANGERS. By Bricktop, illustrated by Worth. 64 pages, 8vo, price 25 cents. This is one of the jolliest of adventures of a the Illustrations are worth five times the price politician trying to “ get in ” with the Grangers of the book. “ Joining the Grangers ” has made for the purpose of serving his country. Even a sensational hit. Farming for Fun; or, Back-Yard Grangers. FARMING FOR FUN; or, BACK-YARD GRANGERS. By Bricktop, illustrated by Worth. 64 pages, 8vo, price 25 cents. Uniform with “Joining the Grangers.” This thousands of those who read it will mentally laughable story, the experiences of Timothy exclaim: •• I’ve been there !” Farmers can see Budd and his wife at city gardening, is one of how city people imitate them, and city farmers the best we have ever issued, which is saying can see themselves in poor Budd, as othekssee enough to those who have read our publica- them. Depend upon it, it is worth reading, and tions. It is brimful of fun and sensation, and as a guide for amateur farmers it is invaluable. Parson Beecher and His Horse. PARSON BEECHER AND HIS HORSE. By Bricktop, illustrated by Worth. 96 pages, 8vo, price 25 cents. One of the most successful books of the tone and sentiment, yet brimful of fresh, bril- period. Eighty thousand copies sold. “Par- liant humor and laughable situations — the son Beecher and His Horse ” is, from beginning author claiming it to be the best of his many to end, a thoroughly enjoyable book, suitable humorous productions, for every household, being unexceptional in Fred Douglass and His Mule. FRED DOUGLASS AND HIS MULE. By Bricktop. 96 pages, 8vo, price 25 cents. Companion to “Parson Beecher and His sale, and become quite as popular as “Parson Horse.” The story of Fred Douglass and his Beecher and His Horse.” The book is printed Mule is one of the best humorous books relative in large, clear type, and contains over thirty to the war that has ever been written, being re- side-splitting illustrations by Hopkins, any one plete with adventures that will be sure to of which is worth the price of the book. Don’t awaken the risibles of every one who reads it, fail to read it ! and it will undoubtedly have quite as large a The Long and the Short of It. THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT; or, Three Comical Adventures of Two Comical Men. 8vo, price 25 cents. Illustrated on every page, and every page well-spring of pleasure, and the funniest book sparkling with merriment and side-splitting, published, replete with comical situations, the whole a Address : COLLIN & SMALL , 59 Beekman Street , N, Y. COLLIN & SMALL’S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS. The Trip of the Porgie; or, Tacking up the Hudson. LAUGHING SERIES, BRICKTOP STORIES, No. i. The Trip of the Porgie; or, Tacking up the Hudson. By Bricktop. Illustrated by Worth. 128 pages, extra octavo, price 25 cents. This is by far the best and most interesting book ever written by this genial, successful author, and he claims it as his especial favorite. It is bubbling over with fun and sentiment from the first to the last line, giving personal observations and historical reminiscences of places on the Hudson River, between New York and Albany, and each of the fifty illustra- tions is worth the price of the book, many of them being of great historical value. The club of choice spirits which the author accompanies on their visit is a small one, it is true, consist- ing of only five, all told, but each is a character, and each entertaining in his own particular way. The Porgie is the name of the yacht owned by this club, and in which they make their trip, and both on board and on shore there is humor, satire, and history mixed in a delightful measure. The story of that trip is finished with a burlesque, as performed by the “ Stuffed Club ” of Albany, in the capacity of hosts, and this alone furnishes an hour’s side- splitting reading, and is worthy of John Broug- ham in his palmy days. My Mother-in-law. LAUGHING SERIES, BRICKTOP STORIES, No. 2. My Mother-in-law. By Bricktop. Fifty illustrations by Hopkins. 100 pages, 8vo, illuminated cover, price 25 cents. The raciest and most humorous story yet. Every man and woman in the country should read this serio-comic experience of a man with a mother-in-law, who made home torrid for him, and how he succeeded, after many atempts and failures, in getting rid of her. The author feels that he has conferred a blessing on socie- ty. It bristles with new points and the action “Them Thar” Grasshoppers. LAUGHING SERIES, BRICKTOP STORIES, No. 3. “Them Thar” Grasshoppers. By Bricktop. Fifty first-class humorous illustrations. 8vo, price 25 cents. Curiosity being on tiptoe in order to learn all that can be learned respecting these Western pests, these winged devastators, the author took an artist with him and started for the fields of their operations. The result is more Grass- hopper knowledge — fully illustrated — than the country has ever been favored with before. The book has hopped into popularity at grasshopper gait. Smith in Search of a Wife. LAUGHING SERIES, BRICKTOP STORIES, No. 4. Smith in Search of a Wife. By Bricktop. Illustrated by Thomas Worth. 8vo, price 25 cents. This story is not founded on fact, but there be read by everybody contemplating the great is so much comical human nature in it that lottery of marriage. Laughably illustrated by truth couldn’t make it any better. It should Thomas Worth. Buy it, and then you will feel more like giv- ing “something” to the “Grasshopper Suffer- ers.” Buy it, and learn all about the “ varmints.” Buy it, and see the superb illustration of the characters interviewed by the author. Finally, buy it, loosen your straps and but- tons, and see this plague as the author and the artist saw it. is lively from first to last Even ministers, the makers of mothers-in-law, indorse it, and it will undoubtedly have as large a sale as the other literary hits of the same author, this be- ing the first time he has ever done anything in the shape of missionary work. Buy it, study it, let your wife read it, and, finally, give it to your mother-in-law.