» 
 
 CENTRAL CIRCULATION BOOKSTACKS 
 
 The person charging this material is re- 
 sponsible for its renewal or its return to 
 the library from which it was borrowed 
 on or before the Latest Date stamped 
 below. You may be charged a minimum 
 fee of $75.00 for each lost book. 
 
 Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons 
 for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from 
 the University. 
 
 TO RENEW CALL TELEPHONE CENTER, 333-8400 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRARY AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN 
 
 1 0 1896 
 
 OCT 1 3 1398 
 
 When renewing by phone, write new due date below 
 previous due date. L162 
 
 
NEW BEOOIS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 A FARCE. 
 
 by the author op 
 
 “ Enlisifedfor the War,” “^y^Joth'7’s^ e Flo V er ot the Family," 
 
 Jug,” “ Above the Clouds, ^ l ^One&rS?M’ ‘1 Th f, Little Brow* 
 Breakers,” “ Bread on the Waters ”<“r>,? d Y . ^ Ago ’ “Among the 
 Time,”; 1 The Last Loaf,” “Stand by the \^ ei ° nce on a 
 ^y s ^ rl ou s Disappearance,” “Paddle vlltn T £ e lem Pter, ,, “ A 
 too Much,” “A Little More Cider » “A Thl^A Cai ^ e >” “ A Drop 
 Never Say Die,” “ Seeing the Elenhard Among the Roses,” 
 
 Duchess of Dublin ” “ Thirty P 7 7 The Boston Din »» «* Th P 
 
 all Teetotalers,’- A Clo Je ShL^-? ^ Sf- Refreshments,”- We’re 
 Troubles,” “A Tender ^ ’ 1 » ^ bllc Benefactor,” “ A Sel^f 
 
 the Press’,” ^ ° fFire ’” “Freedom of 
 
 Humors of the Strike ” “Mv TTnrOo +v, Gentlemen of the Jury,” 
 Sweep Clean,” “ The Qreat^lSr » e «^ Ca P fcaiD >” “New Brooms 
 Man with the Demi The Rnn a Z he Hypochondriac,” “The 
 
 Wanted, a Male Coik,” “ A Love of a Bon^i ’ » <FH Th ief of 
 No Cure, No Pav ” “ti-io - a -Sonnet,” “APreciousPicklp '•* 
 
 W3 sfcSgsssss; 
 
 the Sculptor’s Triumnh ” «Thi nv?®* The Rev oU of the Bees ” 
 War of the Roses,” “ An Ori T°, Urn ,^ nt of MylcourV’ “ The 
 
 Ihe Seven Ages,” “ Too Lafp fnr?? e, rr . F e dler of Very Nice ” 
 
 boston 
 
THE SOCIAL STAGE 
 
 ORIGINAL 
 
 DRAMAS, COMEDIES, BURLESQUES, 
 
 AND ENTERTAINMENTS FOR HOME RECREATION, 
 SCHOOLS, AND PUBLIC EXHIBITIONS 
 
 BY 
 
 GEORGE M. BAKER 
 
 CONTAINING 
 
 The Last Loaf Lightheart's Pilgrimage 
 
 A Grecian Bend The War of the Roses 
 
 Too Late for the Train Thirty Minutes for Refreshments 
 Snow-Bound A Little More Cider 
 
 Bon-Bons A New Broom Sweeps Clean 
 
 ENTERED ACCORDING TO ACT OF CONGRESS, IN THE YEAR 1870, BY 
 
 GEORGE M. BAKER 
 
 IN THE CLERK’S OFFICE OF THE DISTRICT COURT OF THE DISTRICT OF MASS A* 
 CHUSETTS 
 
 Copyright, 1898, by Emily F. Baker (in renewal) 
 
G-tn . e.S . T'V a 4.5 U 0^ ^ 
 
 4 
 
 Til 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 Noah Testy, rich and crusty. 
 
 Fred, his nephew. 
 
 Jacob Trusty, his servant. 
 
 Tim Regan, 
 
 Andrew Swipes, 
 
 JlNG JlMALONG, 
 
 COSTUMES. 
 
 Testy, light pants, white vest, dressing-gown, black wig, black 
 fide-whiskers, wrinkled face. 
 
 Fred, modern suit. 
 
 Jacob, dark suit, gray wig. 
 
 Tim, overalls tucked into heavy boots, blue striped shirt, blue 
 coat with brass buttons, red cropped wig, hat. 
 
 Swipes, gray coat, gray vest, gray knee-breeches, top boots, long, 
 white neckerchief, black hat, gilt band, light cropped wig, light side- 
 whiskers. 
 
 Jing (as a Chinaman), blue blouse, loose yellow pants fastened 
 at the ankles, white stockings, heavy brogans, flesh colored skull-cap 
 (can be made of unbleached cotton like a night-cap, made to fit close 
 to the head : color with flesh ball, cut holes on each side for the ears 
 to appear, and it will be tight), a long black cue, very red face, black 
 about the chin and over the lip to have the appearance of being un* 
 f haven 
 
 968 
 
 • new brooms. 
 
 
264 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Scene.— Testy’s Study. Writing-table, c. Small booh 
 case with looks, R.C. Mantel, with plaster bust, vases , 
 and ornaments, C. Chair at table. Stool, R.O. Chairs , 
 
 E. and L. Writing materials, paper, &c., on table. 
 
 Enter Fred, r., followed by Jacob. 
 
 Fred. You really surprise me, Jacob. After twenty 
 years’ service, my uncle turns you adrift in your old age. 
 
 It’s impossible ! „ 
 
 Jacob. It’s true, sir, I assure you. Turned adrift, 
 after twenty years’ service, — and hard service too, — 
 because I took the privilege of an old servant to tell him 
 
 the truth. . 
 
 Fred. Ah ! what was the truth you told him i 
 Jacob. That he was making a donkey of himself. 
 He was too old to transmogrify himself by putting on a 
 black curly wig and dyeing his whiskers. 
 
 Fred. But why did you tell him so? 
 
 Jacob. Because I couldn’t help it. The idea of that 
 old gentleman trying to deceive the world at his time of 
 life ! He’s as gray as a badger, and as bald as a new- 
 born baby. Soon he’ll have all the young ladies after 
 
 him. 
 
 Fred. Perhaps he wants a wife. 
 
 Jacob. Then let him get one honestly. I don’t be- 
 lieve in obtaining goods under false pretences. 
 
 Fred. Neither do I, Jacob. But he’s his own mas- 
 ter. I’m sorry for you ; but I do not see how I can 
 help you. If he wants to marry, it’s none of my busi- 
 
 ness. , . 
 
 Jacob. But, Mr. Fred, I think it is your business, 
 
NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 265 
 
 He’s gallavanting after a widow. I know that. He’s 
 had Mr. Tubbs, the lawyer, here, drawing up a will or a 
 settlement; and I heard him say, “ Now, Master Fred, 
 you must take care of yourself.” 
 
 Fred . Still, I say it’s none of my business. If ho 
 chooses to marry, let him. I have taken care of myself 
 so far ; and, though I might reasonably expect, some time, 
 to have a share of his riches, I can do without. 
 
 Jacob . That’s very true, Mr. Fred. Still, you 
 shouldn’t let your uncle fall a victim to the schemes of 
 such an adventurer as Mrs. Shoddy. 
 
 Fred . Mrs. Shoddy ! Is that the lady my uncle in- 
 tends to marry? 
 
 Jacob . That’s the lady he is dyeing for. Yes, sir ; 
 dyeing by inches. He’s commenced with his whiskers. 
 
 Fred. She is a scheming adventurer ; and my uncle 
 must not make a fool of himself. 
 
 Jacob. That’s what I say, sir ; and that’s what I 
 made bold to tell him. He took offence, and turned me 
 off. 
 
 Fred. But, Jacob, you must not go. I’ll see my un 
 ele ; and, fortunately, here he is. Don’t let him see you. 
 
 Jacob. I’ll take care of that, Mr. Fred. ( Exit , L.) 
 
 Fred. What a transformation ! The old gentleman 
 must be very far gone. 
 
 Enter Testy, r. 
 
 Why, Uncle Noah ! What a change ! Have you “ re- 
 newed your youth like the eagle ” ? 
 
 Testy. Oh, bother your nonsense ! What is it to you F 
 
 Fred . Why, uncle — 
 
266 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Testy. Shut up ! If I choose to make a change in 
 my personal appearance, is it any of your business? I 
 have had trouble enough with that confounded Jacob 
 Trusty, and I don’t want to be bothered by you. 
 
 Fred. I beg your pardon, uncle : I meant no offence, 
 I assure you. I am delighted to see you looking so young 
 again. But, uncle, Jacob tells me you have discharged 
 him. 
 
 Testy. Yes, I have discharged him ; and I have dis- 
 charged Patrick, and Sally Greaser, — an impudent set, 
 who take advantage of long service to insult me. 
 
 Fred. Patrick ! you don’t mean it, uncle : he’s the 
 best servant you ever had. And Sally Greaser too. Why 
 there’s not her equal in the city as a cook. Her soft- 
 shell crabs are perfectly splendid. 
 
 Testy. Hang her, and her soft-shell crabs ! she’s an 
 impudent hussy. I’ve turned her off, and I don’t mean 
 to have another woman in the house. I’ll have a Chinese 
 cook. 
 
 Fred. A Chinese cook! That’s a novel idea; but 
 where in the world will you find one ? 
 
 Testy. That’s my business. Fortunately I have 
 friends, sir, — yes, sir, friends, who will see that I do not 
 suffer for servants. I’ll teach them better manners than 
 to contradict me. I won’t have it. I’ll let them know 
 who is master here. I’m going to commence with a new 
 get this very day. 
 
 Fred. A new set? 
 
 Testy. Yes, a new set. I’m going to turn over a new 
 leaf. 44 New brooms sweep clean.” With a new set rec- 
 ommended to me by a lady who knows something about 
 housekeeping. 
 
NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 267 
 
 Fred. A lady : pray, may I inquire who she is ! 
 
 Testy. Mrs. Shoddy. 
 
 Fred. Mrs. Shoddy? — ( Aside .) So the schemer is 
 at work. — (Aloud.) But, uncle, are you not afraid to 
 give a lot of new servants control of the house ? 
 
 Testy. Afraid? No, sir. I shall have nobody but 
 whom Mrs. Shoddy recommends. I have the greatest 
 confidence in her ; and, whoever she sends, I will em- 
 pioy. 
 
 Fred. Ah, uncle ! be careful of your 44 new brooms.” 
 They may sweep cleaner than you will like. 
 
 Testy. Well, sir, it’s none of your business, as long 
 as I like it. You may be owner of this property some 
 day, and then you can do as you like with it. While it 
 is mine, I shall exercise the same privilege. 
 
 Fred. Certainly, uncle. I’ve no more to say. Good 
 day. — (Aside.) It’s too bad. The old gentleman will 
 be swindled by that adventuress. I must know what is 
 going on. Can’t I manage to get a 44 new broom ” into 
 the house. There’s the Chinese cook. I don’t believe 
 Mrs. Shoddy has one to send. At any rate I’ll be before- 
 hand. I’ll send one myself. ’Twill be a capital joke. 
 He will take any one whom Mrs. Shoddy sends. How 
 shall I get her recommendation? I think I can manage 
 it. 
 
 Testy. Well, sir, what are you muttering about in that 
 corner ? 
 
 Fred. I beg your pardon, uncle. I thought you had 
 gone. I was thinking where I could find you a Chinese 
 cook. 
 
 Testy. You needn’t trouble yourself. I’ll keep my 
 syes open for one. 
 
268 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAJ. 
 
 Fred . {Aside.) And so will I. And I’ll keep an eye 
 on these new brooms of his too. {Exit, r.) 
 
 Testy . {Sits at table.) There’s another impudent fel- 
 low* He’d like to say something saucy, I know ; but the 
 fear of the consequences deters him. It’s no use, Master 
 Fred : my money goes to Mrs. Testy ; for Mrs. Shoddy 
 will not consent to the change on any other conditions. 
 Bewitching widow ! Td sacrifice life itself for her. 
 {Takes 'paper from drawer .) The settlement is all ready. 
 So, Master Fred, your chance for the riches of old 
 Testy are decidedly slim. {Takes out another paper.) 
 What’s this? My bonds ! Good gracious ! I forgot to 
 lock them up last night. That’s very careless in me, to 
 leave ten thousand dollars of Uncle Sam’s indebtedness in 
 this loose manner. {Knock, r.) Hallo ! Who’s that? 
 {Puts papers in drawer.) Come in. 
 
 Enter John Swipes, r. 
 
 Swipes. Hi beg your pardon, sir. Hi ’ave ha note 
 from Mrs. Shoddy. 
 
 Testy. Mrs. Shoddy? Let me have it. {Reads.) 
 
 “ My dear Mr. Testy,” — Her dear Mr. Testy ! 
 Bewitching widow! — “I promised to send you some 
 good servants. The bearer is an excellent coachman, 
 one to be trusted, who never breaks any thing except 
 horses. He will suit you admirably. 
 
 u Ever yours, Cecilia Shoddy.” 
 
 Ever yours ! Delicious widow ! — * So, sir, you are a 
 coachman. 
 
 Swipes. Yes, sir ; Hi’m ha coachman. ’Ave ’ad hex- 
 perience hin the haristocratic families hof the Hold 
 World, hand hi flatter myself hi can drive. 
 
NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 269 
 
 Testy. Well, sir ; your name. 
 
 Swipes. Swipes, sir ; Handrew Swipes, son of Hos* 
 ear Swipes hand Hanastasia Swipes ; birthplace, Hessex, 
 Hingland ; hage — 
 
 Testy. Never mind your age. You will suit me ex- 
 actly. I engage you at once. You don’t drink? 
 
 Swipes. Never; hexcept hon hextraordinary hocca- 
 sions, hand then honly hale. 
 
 Testy. You’ll find your horses in the stable. As soon 
 as possible, have the carriage at the door : I wish to take 
 a ride. 
 
 Swipes. Hi’ll do hit hat once. ( Exit , R.) 
 
 Testy. An English coachman. That style will suit 
 Mrs. Shoddy. If he is as fond of his horses as he is of 
 superfluous K s, he will do admirably. (Knock, L.) 
 Hallo! Who’s that? Come in. 
 
 Enter Tim, l. 
 
 Well, what do you want? 
 
 Tim. If yer plaze, sir, yer honor, I have a letther 
 from Mrs. Shoddy. 
 
 Testy. Mrs. Shoddy? Let me have it. (Beads.) 
 
 “Mt dear, dear Mr. Testy,” — (Two dears this 
 time ! Charming widow ! She’s dearer than ever !) “ I 
 have again the power to serve you. The bearer is a 
 worthy and capable servant, who will admirably suit 
 you. Your devoted Cecilia.” 
 
 My devoted Cecilia ! Ravishing widow ! Young man, 
 your name. 
 
 Tim. Tim Regan, if yer plaze, sir, yer honor. 
 
 Testy. You are recommended to me as a worthy and 
 capable servant 
 
270 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Tim . O sir ! yer honor, slip are me modesty. 
 
 Testy. What are your particular qualifications? 
 
 Tim . Which ? 
 
 Testy. What can you do ? 
 
 Tim. Ate, dhrink, and slape, sir, yer honor. 
 
 Testy. Ah, humorous, I see. 
 
 Tim. Not much. I had the masles once, I think, sir 
 yer honor. 
 
 Testy. Pshaw, man ! Can you keep a room tidy? 
 
 Tim. I can that, jist ; or a pig-sty, eather, sir, y@i 
 honor. 
 
 Testy. That’s all I want. I engage you at once. 
 
 Tim. Thank yer, sir, yer honor ; and the wages ? 
 
 Testy. Forty dollars a month. 
 
 Tim. Forty — 
 
 Testy. You will go to work at once. Get a duster, 
 and brush up my room. I shall expect great things of 
 you, you are so highly recommended by Mrs. Shoddy. 
 Go into the next room, take off that coat, put on a linen 
 duster you’ll find there, and come back here. 
 
 Tim . To be sure I will, sir, your honor. ( Exit , r.) 
 
 Testy . Well, I must say that Mrs. Shoddy has not 
 been particularly nice as to the outward appearance of 
 the individual she has selected to be my body-guard. He 
 looks more like a hod-carrier than a gentleman’s valet. 
 But can I doubt her ? — my chosen one ; the idol of my 
 soul ; the bewitching, beautiful, — 
 
 Enter Jing Jimalong, l. He stands grinning at Testy, 
 
 with the forefinger of each hand pointing up a h 
 
 Chinese. 
 
 Who in the deuce is that? 
 
NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 271 
 
 Jing. Muchee purty well? Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. As I live, it’s a real live Chinaman. Oh 1 I 
 gee the beautiful hand of the divine Mrs. Shoddy in this. 
 
 Jing. Me muchee big cookie, Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. Ah, indeed ! and who sent you here ? 
 
 Jing. Muchee fine lady ; muchee big bunchee on hei 
 back ; muchee pig-tail round her head ; muchee fine 
 eyes ; muchee little feet j muchee fine all over, Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. Her description exactly. What an intelligent 
 foreigner ! I know I shall like him. So you can cook? 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. Well, I don’t want any “ Ki I’s ” cooked here ; 
 that may do for your country. Can you cook bread? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. Meat ? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! Muchee ebery ting. 
 
 Testy. Capital, capital. He’ll do. What an angel 
 Mrs. Shoddy is ! My friend, you wait here a moment, 
 and I’ll find somebody to show you to the kitchen. I’ll 
 take you into my service. You shall cook me a Chinese 
 dish at once. I’m going to ride, and I’m always hungry 
 when I return. ( Exit , K.) 
 
 Jing. Be jabers ! here’s a foine sitivation for an Irish- 
 man ; rigged up like an owld woman, and jabbering like 
 a Tottenhot. It’s all the doings av Mr. Fred. “ Pat,” 
 says he, — “ Anan,” says I, — “Would yez be afther 
 kapin’ yer sitivation that my uncle took from yez,” says 
 he. “ To be sure I would,” says I. “ Then come wid me.” 
 And thin he took me to his room ; and, bedad, this is the 
 eonsequince. I’m made a Chinaman widout natural iza- 
 jjro intirely. “ And thin,” says he, “ Pat, it s little time 
 
 u, OF ILL LIB. 
 
272 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 I have to tach the language. Say , 6 Muchee,’ and 6 Ki I ! 5 
 to all the owld gentleman says, and whativer yer own in- 
 dulgence may bid yez.” But, bedad, it’s afraid I am av 
 the owld man : if he finds out the desate, I’m a ruined 
 Chinaman intirely. Muchee, Ki I ! 
 
 Enter Testy with Swipes, l. 
 
 Testy . Swipes, just show this individual into the 
 kitchen. 
 
 Swipes. Certainly hi will. Why, hit’s a celestial ! 
 
 Jing. {aside.) A which is it? Begorra ! what’s that 
 he’s calling me ? 
 
 Testy. Yes, it’s my new cook. Take him along. 
 
 Swipes. Come this way. What ha cook ! What can 
 you cook? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! Ki ! 
 
 Swipes . His that hall? What a blarsted country that 
 China must be ! {Exit, R.) 
 
 Jing . Musha, I’m in for it ! {Exit, r.) 
 
 Testy . What a novelty ! I’ve got the start of my 
 neighbors, thanks to dear Mrs. Shoddy. I’ve no doubt 
 I shall find something nice on my return. 
 
 Enter Swipes, r. followed by Tim. 
 
 Swipes. The carriage is at the door, sir. {Exit, r.) 
 
 Testy. Ail right. Now, Tim, get my coat and hat 
 in the next room. 
 
 Tim. All right, sir, yer honor. {Exit, l.) 
 
 Testy. {Takes off his dressing-gown.) I’ve got a 
 trio of new servants, and they all look smart. That last 
 lot thought I couldn’t do without them, did they? There’ll 
 
 nothing like a change. 44 New brooms sweep clean.®* 
 
new brooms sweep clean. 
 
 273 
 
 Enter Tim with coat and hat. 
 
 Just help me with this coat. ( Puts on hat and coat.) Now, 
 Tim, have every thing in order on my return. (Exit,, R.) 
 
 Tim. All right, sir, yer honor. Faith, here’s a 
 sthrake av luck. Intirely out av a situation, I dropped 
 in to say me cousin, Biddy O’Honey, who lives wid Mrs. 
 Shoddy. Biddy had a bit iv a shindy wid the lady’s 
 own man ; and, whin Mrs. Shoddy sinds Biddy to fetch 
 him a note for Mr. Testy, Biddy pops it into my hand, 
 and says, “ You go, Tim : he’ll niver be the wiser if you 
 give it him, and you’ll profit by the place. Shure, it’s 
 my duty to look after my own frinds furst.” So here I 
 am, ingaged on another man’s karacther. It’s little I 
 know about the work, for hod-carrying’s my perfession. 
 Ah, well, the owld gint said, Have every thing in ordher. 
 Faith, I’ll do that same. (Takes a duster , and fiercely 
 brushes table, sending papers flying in all directions, and 
 upsetting the inkstand.') Oh,murther! I’ve upset the ink. 
 There’s a black stain on my karacther. (Takes Mr. 
 Testy’s handkerchief from the pocket of dressing-gown, and 
 wipes up the ink ; puts handkerchief lack.) Jist as good as 
 new. (Picks up papers.) The ould gint has covered 
 his papers with pot-hooks and scrawls. They’re no 
 good, sure. (Tears up papers.) Now for the drawers. 
 (Takes out will. “Last will and testament.” Sure, 
 that’s no good. Here’s the last of that. (Tears up will. 
 Takes out coupons.) Pieters for his ould gint’s baby. 
 (Throws them on table.) I’ll finish my dusting. (Brushes 
 mantle, knocking off the bust and vases.) Oh, murther ! 
 here’s a crash among the fine arts. What will Ido? 
 (Knock, R.) Who’s that? Come in wid yer. 
 
 1 * 
 
274 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Enter Jing, k. 
 
 Tim. Och, murther ! what’s that ? It’s a cannible, or 
 a — or a — vhat is it? 
 
 Jing. Faith, I’d jist like to know what a Chinase 
 dish is, ony how , afore I’d cook it. Bedad ! I must scrub 
 up my jography, shure. Faix, thim fellers cook rats and 
 mice and puppies! That’s it. Where will I find a 
 puppy? (Sees Tim.) Och, murther! if that ain’t my 
 own brother Tim. What will I do ? He’ll find me out, 
 and raise a breeze, sure. Och, murther ! Why was I 
 born to die a Chinaman? ( Sits on stool , with, head bent 
 down .) 
 
 Tim. By my sowl ! that’s one av them fellers that 
 come from the bottom av the world. It’s a Chinaman. 
 Musha, whist ! Vhat’s your name, I’d loike to know? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Tim. Faith! now, is it? And where did yez come 
 from? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Tim. Vhat’s that? Is it a Dutchman yez are, or a 
 r Boosian, or a Proosian? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Tim. I belave yez, honey. Poor owld feller: he’s 
 deaf, dumb, and blind. Faix ! have yez a small tay- 
 chist about yez, for it’s my owld woman that’s fond av 
 the wade? 
 
 Jing. Ki I ! 
 
 Tim. Git owt av that, ye dirty blackguard ! By my 
 sowl, if yez “ Ki I ” again, I’ll thread on the tail av 
 yor hair. Away wid yez I 
 
NEW BEOOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 27 a 
 
 Jmg. (Aside.) Begorra ! I’d loike to punch his head 
 for him, the thaif. (Aloud.) Ki I ! Ki I ! (Exit, B.) 
 
 Tim. By me sowl ! that owld chap looks enough 
 like me brither Pat to be his own cousin ! Chinaman, is 
 it ! Begorra ! it’s sorry manners he has, onyhow. 
 (Knock, L.) 
 
 Enter Fbed, L., disguised as an image-vender, with a 
 basket containing images, vases, &c. 
 
 Fred. Imagees ! Imagees ! 
 
 Tim. What’s that? Imgees ! 
 
 Fred. You buy my imagees? Yer sheep ; ver sheep, 
 Tim. Faith, it’s not a sheep I want, at all, at all. 
 Have yer a bust of St. Patrick or O’Connell, sure? 
 
 Fred. No, no! Ze leetle Nap. See! (Showing 
 lust of Napoleon.) 
 
 Tim. Faith, it’s all the same. How much? 
 
 Fred. You buy, eh? Tree dollar : ver sheep. 
 
 Tim. Sheep, is it? Three dollars ! Faith, it’s deer. 
 No, I’ve niver a cint. 
 
 Fred. No moneys ! den you no buy. 
 
 Tim. Hold on, Parleyvoo ! I’ll trade wid yer. Be- 
 gorra ! I’ll sind off some uv the owld gint’s books. He’ll 
 niver rade thim all. (Takes down a book.) “Paradise 
 Lost.” Lost, is it? Faith, it’s found once more, thin. 
 Whist ! Sh — ! This for the little Nap — hey ? 
 
 Fred. (Aside.) My uncle’s much-prized Bunyan. 
 Tim. It’s something about bunions. I’m something 
 *v a corn-doctor, and I know it’s good. Is it a trade ; 
 Fred. For ze leetle Nap? Yes. (They exchange.) 
 Tim . Now for the vases. What will I do fur thim ? 
 
276 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Fred . Here’s de vases. Yer rich Two dollar. 
 Yer sheep, ver sheep. 
 
 Tim. Will you have some more lamin’, Parleyvoo? 
 
 , Fred. ( Takes up the coupon bonds.') Sharming 
 picturs ! Ver fine ! 
 
 Tim. Oh ! you like them, do you ? Faith, give me ths 
 vases, and they are yours. 
 
 Fred. For ze vases? Too sheep, too sheep. Yer 
 well: you have ze vases. ( They exchange.) (Aside.) 
 Ten thousand dollars ! My poor uncle 1 
 
 Testy. (Outside, r.) Oh, murder ! Murder! Tim! 
 Tim ! 
 
 Tim. The owld gint. Begorra, here’s a row ! Coom- 
 ing, cooming, sir, yer honor. (Exit, u.) 
 
 Fred. My uncle ! I’ll slip away. His new broom 
 has made a clean sweep here. Wonder how he will like 
 it. (Exit, l.) 
 
 Enter Testy, r., his clothes muddy, his hat knocked over 
 his eyes, supported by Tim. 
 
 Testy. O Tim, Tim ! That coachman, — he’s mur- 
 dered me ! 
 
 Tim. And left you spacheless, the dirty blackguard ! 
 Testy. Upset me in front of Mrs. Shoddy’s house. 
 Bring me my dressing-gown. (Puts it on.) Here’s a 
 pretty situation. (Takes out handkerchief, wipes his face , 
 leaving ink-stains upon it.) Why, what’s this, Tim? 
 (Looks around room.) What have you been doing, you 
 villain ? My bust ruined ! My papers destroyed ! Open 
 drawers ! The will gone, — and my coupons — (seizing 
 Tim). You scoundrel, what have you done with my 
 coupons ? 
 
277 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN, 
 
 Tim. If you plaze, sir, yer honor, I've been claning 
 up a bit. 
 
 Testy. Cleaning up! Cleaning out, you mean. 
 Where’s my money? 
 
 Tim . Money, is it? How should I know ? 
 
 Enter Swipes, r. 
 
 Testy . O you villain ! back again, are you ? You ve 
 6een drinking. 
 
 Swipes. Honly ha little hale. 
 
 Testy. Didn’t you tell me you didn’t drink? 
 
 Swipes. Honly hon hextraordinary occasions. This 
 was one, when hi got ha new place. Hi took ha little 
 hale. 
 
 Testy. Which upset me as well as you. I’ll make 
 another hextraordinary hoccasion for you. Go ! I dis- 
 charge you. 
 
 Swipes. Go, without warning? This his han hin- 
 sult. 
 
 Testy. I give you warning, that, if you are found in 
 this house in five minutes, I’ll give you to the police. 
 
 Swipes. Hi won’t go without my pay. Hit’s hauda- 
 cious ! ( Takes off his coat.) 
 
 Tim. True for you, honey : stick to that. 
 
 Testy. And you, Tim : I’ll hand you over to the po 
 lice at once. You’ve robbed me. 
 
 Tim. Rob, is it? Begorra ! there’s an insult to an 
 Irish gintleman. ( Takes off his coat.) 
 
 Testy. What are you about? 
 
 Tim. About to have satisfaction, you owld black 
 guard! 
 
278 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 Testy. Come, come ; none of this. I’ll hand you 
 both over to the police. 
 
 Swipes. ( Threateningly .) Pay hup, hor hover you 
 go! 
 
 Tim. ( Shaking liis fist.) Robber, is it? 
 
 Testy. Do you dare threaten? (Swipes and Tim 
 teize Testy and, shake him.) Here ! Help ! Help ! 
 
 Enter Fred, r., Jacob, l. 
 
 Fred. Hallo, uncle ! what’s the matter? 
 
 Testy. Fred, you are just in time. In a moment I 
 should have fallen a victim to the violence of a drunkard 
 and of a robber. 
 
 Fred. Why, these are two of your new servants. 
 
 Testy. No, they’re not. They’re both discharged. 
 One has robbed me, and I want the police; Robbed of 
 ten thousand dollars ! 
 
 Fred. Which I can restore. Here are your coupons, 
 uncle, safe and sound. I think they have depreciated in 
 value, as Tim gave them to me for a pair of vases. 
 
 Tim. Sir, yer honor, I niver set eyes on him bafore. 
 
 Fred. Oh, yes, you did ! Imagees? 
 
 Tim. Begorra ! it’s the Parleyvoo. 
 
 Testy. I’ve had a narrow escape. Thanks to you, 
 Fred. Jacob, you’ll resume your old situation at once ; 
 that is, if you have not found a new one. 
 
 Jacob . No, sir. I went to see Mrs. Shoddy to ask 
 for a place, but she was in trouble. 
 
 Testy. In trouble? 
 
 Jacob . Yes. It seems, about a year ago, she ran 
 away from her husband, taking all his money. He’a 
 
MEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 279 
 
 found her out, and this very day arrived to take her 
 lome again. 
 
 lesty. Her husband? A widow with a husband! 
 Oh, horror ! my hair is turning white. 
 
 Jacob . I told you, sir, that dye wouldn’t stick. 
 
 Testy. Fred, I think you’d better come and live with 
 me. I don’t believe I shall ever marry. I’m getting too 
 old. 
 
 Fred. {Aside.) “ A hungry fox is passing by.” — 
 (Aloud.) Thank you, sir ; I’ll come with pleasure. But 
 what about these new servants ? ( A dog heard yelping 
 
 outside , L. Then a crash of crockery. Jing runs in , R.) 
 
 Jing. Och ! murther, murther, murther ! It’s kilt I 
 am, intirely. {Shakes his fist off, L.) Yez murthering 
 thaif av the worrld. Git out av that ! Away wid yez ! 
 
 Testy. What is the meaning of this ? It’s my new 
 Chinese servant, Fred. 
 
 Fred. With a brogue like a wild Irishman. 
 
 Testy. You impostor! What does this mean ? Speak, 
 quick. 
 
 Jing. {Aside.) Oh, murther ! I’ve let the cat out 
 av the bag ! {Aloud.) Ki I ! Muchee Ki I ! 
 
 Testy. That won’t do. What is the meaning of that 
 44 Ki I ” ing down stairs ? 
 
 Jing. {Aside.) Vhat shall I say? {Aloud.) Me 
 try cookee bow-wow ; bow-wow no likee cookee him. 
 Bow-wow muchee Ki I ! me muchee Ki I, too, — « 
 bow-wow muchee run into closet: muchee crockery, 
 — bang, — bang, — bang, — muchee pieces, all breakee. 
 Muchee, — muchee, — muchee, — and be jabers ! that’s 
 what’s the matter intirely, or my name’s not Pat Regan ; 
 
280 
 
 NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 and bother yez blasted Chinese, for it’s nearly broke my 
 jaw. 
 
 Tim. Pat Regan ! be my sowl ! I recognize the vice 
 of affection in my bones. ( Seizes Jing’s 'pigtail , and pulls 
 off skull-cap .) It’s himsilf intirely. O Pat, Pat ! how 
 could yez ? Is it yerself that’s disgracing owld Ireland 
 by going over to China ? Begorra ! ye’s sowld yer birth- 
 right for a mess of broken china. Be my sowl, I’m pale 
 wid blushing for yez. 
 
 Jing. Aisy wid yer blarney, Tim, or it’s a batin’ ye’D 
 
 git. 
 
 Testy. Patrick Regan. 
 
 Jing. Sir. 
 
 Testy. What is the meaning of this masquerade? 
 Didn’t I discharge you this morning ? 
 
 Fred. Let me speak for him, uncle. I alone am to 
 blame ; for I dressed him in the costume, and instructed 
 him in the language of a Chinaman. 
 
 Testy. You did, you scamp ! and what for, pray? 
 
 Fred. To assist you in your endeavors to procure 
 “ new brooms,” and also to outwit Mrs. Shoddy. 
 
 Testy. Well, if that is a specimen of your proficiency 
 in the Chinese language, the sooner you are sent as 
 ambassador to the Celestials the better. 
 
 Fred. Uncle, let Pat have his old place : you can’t 
 do better. He wont contradict you again, — will you, 
 Pat? 
 
 Jing . Faith ! Not muchee. 
 
 Testy . Shut up ! Don’t let me hear any of that 
 lingo, or out of this house you’ll go : for the present, you 
 may take your old plaGe. 
 
NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN. 
 
 281 
 
 Fred. And what’s to be done with the other servants? 
 Tim. Begorra ! that’s what I’d like to know. 
 
 Swipes. You’ve crushed my ’opes, hand hi want my 
 money. 
 
 Testy. Pay them, and send them off. I’ll take back 
 the old ones ; for I am convinced, from mv unhappy ex 
 perience of the last half-bour. that, despite the old prov 
 ®rb, new brooms dc not always sweep ciean. 
 
 Disposition op Chakactes&> 
 
 R , f!os. Ebsb. Tbbst. Swims. Tat I 
 
COMEDY SKETCHES 
 
 By Julian Sturgis 
 
 A collection of short plays suited for amateur theatricals or high-class 
 vaudeville, easy to produce and of high quality. Recommended especially 
 for parlor performance. 
 
 CONTENTS 
 Apples. One male, one female. 
 
 Fire Flies. One male, one female. 
 
 Heather. One male, one female. 
 
 Picking up the Pieces. One male, one female. 
 Half-Way to Arcady. One male, one female. 
 
 Mabel’s Holy Day. Two males, one female. 
 
 Twenty minutes each. 
 
 Price , 25 cents 
 
 IN OFFICE HOURS 
 
 And Other Sketches 
 By Evelyn Greenleaf Sutherland 
 CONTENTS 
 
 In Office Hours. Comedy Sketch in One Act, five males, fouf 
 females. 
 
 A Quilting Party in the Thirties. Outline Sketch for Music, 
 six males, four females, and chorus. 
 
 In Aunt Chloe’s Cabin. Negro Comedy Sketch in One Act, 
 seventeen female characters and “ supers.” 
 
 The Story of a Famous Wedding. Outline Sketch for Music 
 and Dancing, six males, four females. 
 
 Price , 25 cents 
 
 THE SOUP TUREEN 
 
 And Other Duologues 
 
 A collection of short plays for two and three characters. Good quality, 
 high tone and confidently offered to the best taste. 
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 The Soup Tureen. One male, two females. 
 
 Lelia. One male, one female. 
 
 The Unlucky Star. Two males. 
 
 The Serenade. Two females. 
 
 Play twenty minutes each. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 HOLIDAY DIALOGUES FROM DICKENS 
 
 Arranged by W. E. Fette 
 
 Comprising selections from “ The Christmas Carol,” “ The Cricket on 
 the Hearth,” “ The Battle of Life,” etc., arranged in a series of scenes 
 to be given either singly or together, as an extended entertainment. For 
 the celebration of Christmas no better material can be found. 
 
 Price , 2j cents 
 
THE VOICE OF AUTHORITY 
 
 A Farce in Three Acts 
 
 For Female Characters Only 
 By Bertha Currier Porter 
 
 Seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a plain interior. Plays 
 two hours. Seven girls go camping all by themselves so as to have no 
 men bothering around. After a week of it they decide to send for their 
 brothers and fiances, but they have no sooner done so than they are noti- 
 fied that their camp has been quarantined by the authori ties because one of 
 them the day before has been seen holding a baby that has the scarlet 
 fever. The men arrive, but are not allowed to enter, and the girls can- 
 not come out. Trouble follows, ended by the discovery that the baby did 
 not have scarlet fever after all. Full of life and laughs; strongly recom- 
 mended. 
 
 Price , 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Tean Campbell, the stenographer, engaged to Bert . 
 
 Priscilla Carter, the newspaper woman , engaged to Ralph . 
 Martha Stearns, the cooking teacher , engaged to Max . 
 Gladys Cushing, the butterfly , engaged to Charlie. 
 
 Margery Whiting, the bride-to-be , engaged to Billy. 
 Elizabeth Kennedy, independent , not engaged at all. 
 
 Dr. E. T. Simpson, the physician. 
 
 And 
 
 The Voice of Authority, unseen but all-powerful 
 
 THE COMING OF ANNABEL 
 
 A Comedy in One Act 
 
 By Alice C. Thompson 
 
 Six females. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays thirty 
 minutes. A group of village gossips, bent on the slaughter of the char- 
 acter of a visitor to the town, are routed and reformed by the example of 
 Annabel’s charity and amiability. Good character. Clever and effective. 
 Price, 15 cents 
 
 THE MISSES PRINGLES’ LEAP YEAR 
 
 A Comedy in Two Acts 
 
 By Amaryllis V Lord 
 
 Ten females and the apparition of a man. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
 unimportant. Plays half an hour. The Misses Barbara, Priscilla and 
 Betsy Pringle, while scorning matrimony in public, have a secret inclina- 
 tion toward it, and taking advantage of leap year, each, without the 
 knowledge of the others, proposes by letter to Deacon Smith with sur- 
 prising results. Very easy and amusing, requiring no scenery and but 
 little rehearsing. 
 
 Price , /j cents 
 
fl. iu. Pinero’s Plays 
 
 Price, 50 €acb 
 
 n/ITn ru A AJMET Play in Four Acts - Six males, five females. 
 IVliU-A/MAPlIlLL Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
 Plays two and a half hours. 
 
 THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 2X. ia “ 
 
 males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
 Plays a full evening. 
 
 Till? DDAll If* ATE Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
 1 MIL I KUr LIvi/A I L females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
 elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUP CPIJAAI MICTDECC Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
 1 MIL OLMUULlYllO I IvLOO seven females. Costumes, mod- 
 ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY I!$ t “ , A S& 
 
 females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
 full evehing. 
 
 CWrrT I AVEWHER .Comedy in' Three Acts. Seven males, 
 
 0 W ILL 1 LA V Llll/LIY four females. Scene, a single interior, 
 costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUC TUITATnERRAI T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
 
 1 ML I MUliIiLlADLPLi I n i n e females. Scenery, three interi- 
 ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TUU TIMEQ Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
 I ML I IIYILO Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
 a full evening. 
 
 TUI 7 WEAVER QEY Comedy ill Three Acts. Eight males, 
 I ML YY LAIyLiy OLA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
 scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE Five males, four females. 
 
 Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Walter pater & Company 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
■Cijt William fatten Ctiitton 
 of $lapss 
 
 fttitc, 15 €ent£ Cactj 
 
 four 
 
 va- 
 
 AS YOU LIKE IT $£3& ^SSS^S^Sfm 
 
 ried. Plays a full evening. 
 
 CAMILLE 
 
 INGOMAR 
 
 THE MERCHANT OF VENICE mlTe^threefenmles. Costumes, 
 
 picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 
 
 RICHELIEU 
 
 evening. 
 
 THE RIVALS ^«^oi wT* 
 
 full evening. 
 
 SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER maTetU? femalet Ct Scen F ery e vT- 
 
 ried; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 
 
 TWFI FTH NIGHT: OR, WHAT YOU WILL ^c^ e ^en males, 
 
 three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. ays a 
 full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid oil receipt of price by 
 
 falter 'Bafter & Company 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
 6. J. PARKHILL a CO.. PRINTERS, BOSTON. U.S.A.