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 LI E, R.ARY 
 
 OF THE 
 
 UN IVE.RSITY 
 
 Of ILLINOIS 
 
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GURNEY MARRIED: 
 
 A SEQUEL TO 
 
 GILBERT GURNEY. 
 
 BY THE 
 
 AUTHOR OF " SAYINGS AND DOINGS.' 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON: 
 HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, 
 
 GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 
 
 1838. 
 
LONDON: 
 
 GILBERT & RIVINGTON, PRINTERS, 
 
 ST. John's square. 
 

 ^ 
 
 ^ 
 
 
 \ GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 The first part of the late Mr. Gurney's memoirs 
 
 "C" having been very favourably received by the 
 
 public, I have been induced to continue my 
 
 ". search amongst his manuscripts, in order to afford 
 
 ^ its readers some further information connected 
 
 / with the annals of his family. 
 
 ''^^ It may be recollected that the concluding 
 
 words of the first portion of his papers are, " Wk 
 
 ^\^ WERE MARRIED ;" wliich words refer to his 
 
 ,s union with Harriet, eldest daughter of the 
 
 ^ Reverend Richard Wells, Rector of Blissfold 
 
 ^^ VOL. I. B 
 
2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 ill the county of Hants. After this event Mr. 
 Gilbert Gurney, as every man when he marries 
 should do, turned over a new leaf — in his com- 
 mon-place book ; and I find a hiatus, " imlde de- 
 JlenduSi^ of nearly two months, in his memoranda. 
 Love, I presume, left him no leisure for litera- 
 ture ; at least there is nothing discoverable in 
 the way of detail, affecting either the celebration 
 of his wedding, or the subsequent excursion 
 which fashionable delicacy appears to have ren- 
 dered indispensable upon such occasions; and 
 the first resumption of his notes occurs on the 
 first day of the year succeeding that in which he 
 became a Benedick : and thus he writes : — 
 
 I begin a new year in a new character — I am 
 now a married man, " Marriage," says Jolmson, 
 " is the strictest tie of perpetual friendship, and 
 there can be no friendship without confidence, 
 and no confidence without integrity; and he 
 must expect to be wretched who pays to beauty? 
 riches, and politeness, that regard which only 
 virtue and piety can claim." Johnson was 
 right. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 3 
 
 Cuthbert's munificence has enabled me to 
 establish myself in perfect comfort. He has 
 made one stipulation — he desires to make our 
 house his home; and when the young Fal- 
 wassers, his wife's children, have their school 
 vacations, they are also to pass their Christmas 
 and Midsummer holidays here. This is all right 
 and pleasant — a combination not very common 
 in the affairs of this world. Cuthbert has an 
 apartment of two rooms, consisting of a study 
 and bed-chamber, allotted to him, both opening 
 into Harriet's flower-garden on the south side of 
 the house ; for his long residence in India has 
 rendered him extremely sensitive, as far as our 
 capricious climate is concerned. 
 
 Fanny Wells is staying with my wife, to 
 whom she was always an affectionate sister ; and 
 we are all as happy as we could wish, and per- 
 haps even happier than we deserve to be. I 
 feel myself snatched from the follies and frivoli- 
 ties of an idle vagabond life, and placed by pro- 
 vidence in a haven of security, where nothing 
 but quietude and comfort are to be found. 
 b2 
 
4 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 There was certainly something remarkably 
 odd in the way in which I was inveigled into 
 matrimony. My father-in-law's conduct might, 
 in many other cases, have been attributed to 
 interested motives, and his eagerness to conclude 
 a matrimonial treaty between his daughter and 
 myself, might have been put to the account of his 
 anxiety to get her off his hands, and settle her 
 advantageously in the world; but that cannot be 
 thought or imagined, the moment the smallness of 
 my income is taken into consideration. What 
 startles me most, and most powerfully excites my 
 gratitude to Providence is, that circumstances 
 should have occurred not only to prevent distress 
 and uneasiness, and perhaps worse calamities, in 
 my wife's family, and not only to rescue us from 
 the necessity of undertaking a voyage to India, but 
 to place us in a state of such agreeable compe- 
 tency as that in which we now find ourselves. 
 
 When Cuthbert first established himself at 
 Ashmead — a somewhat pastoral " name" for my 
 first '* local habitation" — I was very much sur- 
 prised at his absolute helplessness. His servant 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 5 
 
 is qiii-lii'd into his room every five minutes. 
 Lighting a taper or sealing a letter appears to be 
 an Herculean task to him, and the listlessness 
 which pervades the conduct of his life, manifests 
 itself so strongly when we are at breakfast or 
 dinner, that I am sure if, amongst the innumer- 
 able classes of domestics with which India 
 abounds, there were such an officer as an Eata- 
 bader to be had, Cuthbert would have him at 
 any price. 
 
 When we first met at Gosport, he was so 
 evidently labouring under the effects of bad 
 health and depression of spirits, that I could 
 quite understand this abasement of animal exer- 
 tion ; and before I knew how nearly we were 
 connected, I felt the deepest sympathy for his 
 unhappy case. Now, that feeling is changed 
 into wonder and astonishment, that a being who, 
 by what he calls his own exertions, has contrived 
 to realize a handsome fortune, should seem to 
 possess no power of exerting himself upon any 
 occasion whatever. His health is good, his 
 b3 
 
6 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 spirits are recovering rapidly, but his torpor con- 
 tinues. 
 
 He is, I find, like our friend Nubley, afflicted 
 with occasional fits of absence. I am afraid, if 
 Harriet were to speak truth, she and her sister 
 Fanny would not break their hearts if the fit 
 were permanent. He crawls or is wheeled out 
 of his own rooms every day about noon, and seats 
 himself in the drawing-room, in order, as he says, 
 to amuse the ladies and the visitors who chance 
 to call ; and the ladies are forced to remain where 
 they are, in order to amuse him. He talks to 
 everybody with whom he meets, as if he had 
 known them all his life ; and I cannot conceal 
 the fact from myself, that he talks about nothing 
 in the world, let him talk long as he may. 
 
 Wells rather enjoys his peculiarities, and 
 Nubley listens to him with the deepest interest. 
 In short, strange as it may seem, I believe Cuth- 
 bert's anxiety that I should take this house was 
 mainly attributable to his desire to be near his 
 old friend and former partner. To Harriet, of 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 7 
 
 course, remaining in the neighbourhood of her 
 father and mother is extremely agreeable ; but 
 I see that poor dear Cuthbert, with all his kind- 
 nesses, conferred as they are in the oddest man- 
 ner, is a bit of a bore to the ladies of the circle. 
 Harriet, disliking the formality of calling him 
 brother-in law, — which, on account of the diifer- 
 ences in our ages, she does not approve, — and not 
 venturing to address him as Cuthbert, has trans- 
 formed him into a cousin, and " cousin'' she 
 always calls him. I heard Wells, after she had 
 once used this endearing appellation, say to her, 
 loud enough for me to hear it, " Harriet, don't 
 you wish he was a cousin once removed ?" 
 
 This naturally worries me. I am one of those 
 few people in the world who see the faults and 
 imperfections of my nearest relations and con- 
 nexions, perhaps even more plainly than others ; 
 and I often wonder to myself, when I hear fa- 
 thers extolling the eminent powers and abilities 
 of their children, husbands puffing off the talents 
 of their wives, wives speaking of the prodigious 
 merits of their husbands, and whole families 
 b4 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 swearing to the excellence of everything said or 
 done by any individual member of them. Pro- 
 bably if the late Mrs. Cuthbert were alive, we 
 should hear her talking of the beautiful serenity 
 of her husband's mind — such a quiet gentlemanly 
 man — or quoting him, in comparison with some- 
 body else, as a superior creature. Now, I can 
 see, and can hear ; and it is not because of our 
 near connexion that I can shut my eyes to his 
 failings. 
 
 One day I had been over to the Rectory to 
 see Wells ; and on my return, I found Cuthbert, 
 as usual, extended at full length on a sofa by 
 the drawing-room fire, Harriet and Fanny 
 were working, and Mrs. Wells, who had come 
 over to see them, was sitting, playing company, 
 the family party having been increased by the 
 arrival of Lieutenant Merman, whose name I have 
 had occasion to mention before, and who, I really 
 think, is caught by the bright eyes of my sister- 
 in-law Fanny. Whether Wells is of the same 
 opinion I cannot say, nor can I rightly calculate 
 when the toddy-making season is likely to set in. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. \) 
 
 He is a very constant visitor at Ashmead, or, at 
 least, has been, since Fanny has been with us. 
 
 Contrary to my usual habit, for I contrive to 
 make myself occupation of various sorts during 
 the morning, I joined the little circle. 
 
 " Well, Gilbert," said my brother, stretching 
 his limbs to their fullest extent, as if to wake 
 himself, "have you been out?" 
 
 " Yes, to the parsonage," said I. 
 
 " Ah ! " replied Cuthbert, " very cold, isn't 
 it ? Harriet, dear, just ring the bell — thanks — we 
 have been very comfortable." 
 
 " I thought," said I, " you proposed a walk 
 yourself." 
 
 "Yes," said Cuthbert, "I did— I had my 
 great coat put on and my shawl wrapper^— and 
 meant to call on Mrs. Nubley — but I met him — 
 and I asked him if Mrs. Nubley was at home, 
 and he said no; so I — I came back again — 
 Ah!" 
 
 Here a servant entered the room, responsive 
 to the bell. 
 
 B 5 
 
10 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Oh ! " said Cuthbert, " tell Hiitton to bring 
 me a pocket-handkerchief." The man retired. 
 " So I came back again — because I knew it must 
 be dull for the ladies to be left alone— and here, 
 thanks to them, I am quite at my ease, and hav- 
 ing nothing on earth to do, I cannot do better 
 than show my gratitude to them. Fanny, dear, 
 give me that eau de Cologne — Ah ! " 
 
 " I am sure, Mr. Gurney," said Mrs. Wells, 
 " the girls ought to be greatly obliged to you." 
 
 " I think they are," said Cuthbert. " A man 
 who has been abroad so long as I have has always 
 something to communicate which is interesting. 
 Oh — Hutton — get me my seal-ring. Harriet, 
 love, I will beg you to seal that letter, which I 
 got Nubley to write for me, about those air 
 cushions. Capital invention that, Mrs. Wells." 
 
 " Very good, indeed," replied the lady. 
 
 " Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " but what was I say- 
 ing when Gilbert came in ? Oh ! — I wish some- 
 body would recollect for me — it was " 
 
 " About the horses running away with the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 11 
 
 post-chainj ' said Lieutenant Merman, who liacl 
 not heard the story fifty times before, which the 
 rest of the present company had. 
 
 " Ah !" said Cuthbert — " so it was — it is one of 
 the earliest events of my life that I can remember 
 — you weren't born or thought of, Gilbert, then. 
 I forget if I ever told you " 
 
 " What," said I, " on Shooter's Hill?" 
 
 "Yes," replied Cuthbert, "that place beyond 
 Blackheatli, where there's the model of Severn- 
 droog — I never shall forget it — my poor father 
 was with me. Something by the road-side 
 frightened the ofF-liorse, and away we went — 
 down the hill at full speed — set the other horse 
 off with him, and we thought — hey dear — thought 
 we should be dashed to pieces." 
 
 " And how did you escape, Sir ?" said the 
 lieutenant. 
 
 " Oh ! " replied Cuthbert, " when they got to 
 the bottom of the hill the horses stopped of them- 
 selves — Ah ! " 
 
 I perceived that Cuthbert — having sent for his 
 handkerchief, bathed his temples with the eau de 
 B 6 
 
12 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Cologne, and begged me to stir the ftt^ and place 
 the sofa cushions conveniently for his repose — 
 was a fixture for the rest of the day ; and as the 
 story I did wait to hear was only the first of a 
 series which he was in the habit of telling as re- 
 gularly as the " Friar of Orders Grey" told his 
 beads, I left the assembly, not without receiving 
 a look from Harriet, too distinctly expressive of 
 her feelings to be misunderstood. 
 
 I have merely noted these few trifling facts, 
 because I very much fear that the total want of 
 sympathy, which unfortunately exists between 
 Cuthbert and all those with whom he must con- 
 stantly associate while staying here, will some 
 day exhibit itself in a positive and unequivocal 
 manner. What is to happen when the three Fal- 
 wassers come from school, I do not even venture to 
 premise. They have never had the advantage of 
 maternal care; and, from the extremely unde- 
 fined character of Cuthbert's conversation and 
 remarks touching them, I have not been able to 
 form any just estimate of their character or qua- 
 lities. Somehow I begin to think the scheme of 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. ]3 
 
 admitting any relation, however near, as a con- 
 stant resident in the establishment of a married 
 couple, is at best but hazardous. Yet in my case 
 it has been inevitable ; but for Cuthbert I should 
 not have had the house in which he desires to be 
 an inmate. Besides, he wants cherishing; a man 
 at his time of life, returned to a country the man- 
 ners and habits of which are totally different 
 from those of the distant empire in which he has 
 passed the prime of his life, would be lost if left 
 to himself. Friends he has few, relations none, 
 except myself; and if ever a momentary doubt 
 of the entire success of our menage at Ashmead 
 does cross my mind, it is speedily dismissed by 
 the recollection of how much I owe him, and how 
 essential my attention to his wishes is to his com- 
 fort. 
 
 There were many points in Cuthbert's history 
 upon which I should very much have liked to be 
 enlightened; but my hopes and expectations 
 were vain. All the important features of his past 
 life seemed either to be studiously concealed from 
 my sight, or to have escaped his own recollec- 
 
14 GURNEY MAURIED. 
 
 tion. His random records consisted of nothing 
 but frivolous anecdotes which appeared to float 
 to and fro upon the surface of his mind, while 
 the serious facts had sunk altogether " out of 
 soundings." 
 
 I admit that I began to find Wells and his 
 wife, and two or three other friends, getting 
 fidgetty, and evincing much of dislike to be so 
 overlaid — if I may use the expression — with 
 poor Cuthbert, — who having, fortunately for him- 
 self, evinced a passion for chess, discovered that 
 Mr. Sniggs, the apothecary, could place the 
 pieces for him, and make the ordinary moves 
 against him, suggested to the said Sniggs that he 
 should be delighted to see him whenever his pro- 
 fessional occupations permitted, and that there 
 was always luncheon at half-past one, and so on. 
 
 This was quite right. — Why should not Cuth- 
 bert like chess? — Why should not he ask 
 Sniggs? No reason why — except that Mrs. 
 Wells always thought that the flower of her flock, 
 Adelgitha, lost her life through want of skill on 
 the part of this very Sniggs: and they were 
 12 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 15 
 
 consequently the bitterest foes — Cuthbert and 
 Sniggs the dearest friends. Sniggs not only- 
 played chess with him, and put the men all ready 
 before they began, but having prescribed a sort of 
 mawkish drink — a kind of sickly negus, powdered 
 with " Mareschalle" nutmeg — compounded it for 
 his friend, patient, and antagonist, and adminis- 
 tered it secundum artem. 
 
 Sniggs literally did that, which many men, 
 and even their observations, are said to do — he 
 " smelt of the shop ;" and when the atmosphere 
 was heavy and the " scent lay," his entrance into 
 the drawing-room, where Cuthbert, for the sake 
 of making himself amiable, would sit, was the 
 signal for the departure and dispersion of the 
 little family coterie, — who were up like a covey 
 of partridges on his arrival ; alleging as a reason, 
 that they were quite sure they should disturb 
 the chess-players if they staid. 
 
 Sniggs was a character — in his way ; he knew 
 every thing that was going on in the neighbour- 
 hood. The proverb, as Ray has it, says, 
 
 " Children pick up words, as pigeons peas, 
 And utter them again as God shall please." 
 
16 GURNEY -MARRIED. 
 
 Sniggs collected indefatigably, but most disin- 
 terestedly retained nothing. What he picked 
 up in one house he let fall in the next; and so 
 served as a regular gazette for the whole com- 
 munity. This was a great resource for poor 
 Cuthbert, who, to keep up the simile of the 
 pigeons, was as happy as any squeaker in the 
 world to be crammed after Sniggs's fashion, 
 however coarsely the aliment was supplied. 
 
 " Set the men, Sniggs," said Cuthbert, when 
 the coast was quite clear — " any news?" 
 
 " You play with the red," said Sniggs, arrang- 
 ing the pieces accordingly — " no, Sir, not much 
 news. Miss VVobberly, the pretty girl with the 
 flaxen hair, Sir — sits opposite to you at church — 
 hear she is going to be married — sugar-baker 
 in London — called there just now — stomach out 
 of order — touch of dyspepsia — too many minced 
 pies — quantity of bile in a minced pie. Sir — all 
 meat, dirt, fat, plums, lemon-peel, and puff-paste. 
 She'll be well by Tuesday — the mother a charm- 
 ing woman — asked me to dine Thursday — a 
 little touch of erysipelas, not worth mentioning 
 — pleasant creature. Wobberly a vulgar man — 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 17 
 
 always ailing — can't get gout to show itself — 
 gentlemanly disease the gout — gout and short 
 sight are not destined for the vulgar — once saw 
 a hackney-coachman with spectacles — wrote a 
 
 paper upon it in a first-rate periodical you 
 
 begin. Sir." 
 
 " I move my king's pawn," said Cuthbert : 
 " it saves trouble to take the usual course." 
 
 " Exactly so, Sir," said Sniggs : " that's what 
 Major Frowsty says — an excellent patient of 
 mine, who has a sort of hydrophobia — " 
 
 "Indeed— ah," said Cuthbert — " mad.— I'll 
 push him on, another square." 
 
 " No," said Sniggs ; " not mad : you don't see 
 my fun. Hydrophobia — does not like bathing. 
 I order a bath, — he says it is cold ; — order it hot, 
 — says he don't like it; — can't get him to wash ; 
 — nothing so good. Sir; — excellent gentleman 
 the Major; — did you know him abroad ?" 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert ; "just move that knight 
 for me, while I blow my nose. Where has he 
 been?" 
 
18 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Somewhere in your district," said Sniggs : 
 " at Tunis, I think." 
 
 " I never was at Tunis," said Cuthbert. 
 
 " I think, between you and me. Sir," said 
 Sniggs, " it would have been as well if he had 
 never been there : he won't take medicine, do all 
 I can ; and if I say he is really ill, he talks about 
 a physician. I believe, between you and me. 
 Sir, that he ran away with the daughter of a 
 Bey, or something of that sort, and nearly had 
 his head cut off. But that's nothing to the affair 
 of the Hackingtons, who live at the white house 
 at the end of the lane — la bless you ! — their 
 second daughter, — of course this is entre nous, — 
 is over head and ears in love with the ostler at 
 the Cock and Bottle. Your move, Sir. And 
 the way I found that out was, that Mrs. Widdles, 
 at the corner — the library — told me that Jim 
 Walker, the ostler in question, had been into her 
 shop to buy a sheet of paper to write home to 
 his mother, and got her to do the letter, in which 
 the whole facts were stated. I have just sent 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 19 
 
 Miss Hackington a pill and a draught; but as 
 the poet says, I cannot 
 
 " Minister to a mind diseased." 
 
 So I made them quite innocent, dry bread and 
 a little honey rolled up in the palm of my hand 
 — eh, — eh. Sir ? — Of course this goes no farther. 
 Check to your king." 
 
 " I like to hear the news," said Cuthbert, 
 " although I don't know the people." 
 
 " Lord bless you. Sir," said Sniggs, " I never 
 let out these sort of things, except to you. Now 
 of course I know all about Lieut. Merman's 
 tendre for Miss Fanny; but, then^ as I say, 
 that is totally a different story ; here we are — 
 titled — a family of consequence and respectabi- 
 lity ; mute as a mackerel, — not a syllable passes 
 my lips. Delightful family the Wells's, Sir ; — 
 so clever Mr. Wells, — what a preacher ! — makes 
 me weep like a watering-pot when he gives us 
 a charity sermon, although I always get myself 
 called out to a patient before the collection, to 
 save stumpy ; — don't you think he is a powerful 
 man. Sir?" 
 
 " Your queen is in check," said Cuthbert. 
 
20 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " A thousand pardons," said Sniggs. " What's 
 your notion as to tithes, Sir ? — quite legal, con- 
 stitutional, and all that ; but don't you think, — 
 just before I take the queen out of cheek, — don't 
 you think something might be done in regard to 
 that question ? The law by which tithe is secured 
 to the clergy, Sir, is just as good and as valid as 
 that by which the first duke in the land holds his 
 estates — eh, don't you see, Sir? But I think 
 still something might be done to get rid, you 
 see, Sir, of the objectionable part of the question. 
 That's what I say to Mr. Wells. Mrs. Wells, I 
 believe, is not so great a friend of mine ; never 
 goes beyond powders. Rheubarb, and magnesia, 
 or jalap and cream-o'-tartar, are the extremes, and 
 those only for the housemaids. Still I have a 
 high regard for them all. I think the tithe 
 system operates unequally. Sir. I take your 
 rook ; — you didn't see that, Sir. All clergymen 
 are not alike. I recollect reading. Sir, that Dr. 
 Prideaux, — I don't know if you know much of 
 him, — said that some men enter upon their cures 
 with as little knowledge of divinity as the meanest 
 of their congregation — eh ! — heard the story of 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 21 
 
 human felicity, — something inside of a pig, — 
 forgive me, — but it is an apt illustration of the 
 stupidity of a congregation." 
 
 " Very stupid," said Cuthbert; " do me the 
 favour to push my rook over to the side of your 
 queen ; there, where it is guarded by that pawn. 
 Yes, 1 think you are quite right." 
 
 " And then, as I say. Sir," continued Sniggs, 
 " the spirit — the public spirit of Mrs. Wells — 
 that fancy ball and bazaar for the charity-schools 
 — what a sight — dear young creatures exposing 
 themselves in every way at the stalls, and selling 
 things for fifteen shillings which they bought for 
 five — passing them ofi*, of course, for their own. 
 Why now there's that Mrs. Fletcher, — I declare 
 that woman ought no more to have gone out 
 Tuesday week — Oh ! Sir, such a state she is in 
 — such a complication of disorders — of course 
 this is entre nous — what I call death in the pot — 
 never mind — people must die when their time 
 comes. 1 have put her through a regular course 
 of steel — done all I could. Don't you recollect, 
 Sir, the story of the sick man at the watering- 
 
22 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 place, who was sent down to tone himself up — 
 went to a boarding-house — ignorant creature — 
 that sort of thing — took all sorts of bitters to 
 strengthen himself and bring him round, under 
 the advice of one of those refined physicians who 
 pick up guineas from ninnies, as I should say ; 
 and having dined and supped with his fellow- 
 boarders, retired, as they did, to rest. In the 
 middle of the night, the whole house was alarmed 
 by noises much resembling those of a rabid dog, 
 attended with a stamping of feet along the differ- 
 ent passages of the house. This continued some 
 time, but about two o'clock in the morning it 
 subsided, and, as they say in the account of a 
 naval action, ' the boarders had it all to them- 
 selves.' 
 
 " In the morning, complaints having been 
 made to the matron, or whatever the female 
 figure-head of such establishments is called, as 
 to the row, she remonstrated with the patient, 
 and begged to know why he disturbed the in- 
 mates of her else peaceable house? ' Why, 
 Mam,' said he, « I am ordered to do it by my 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 23 
 
 physicians, for the good of my health : which is 
 the thing for which I am come here* — mark the 
 English, Sir. ' So,' says she, ' make a noise for 
 the benefit of your health?' ' Yes,' says he, ' in 
 conjunction with the wine which I drank at 
 dinner.' ' How is that ?' said the lady, who 
 doubted whether her guest was more knave or 
 fool. ' Yes,' said he, ' my doctor ordered me to 
 come down here to take port wine at dinner every 
 day, and bark every night ; and so I will, let the 
 consequences be what they may.' Don't you 
 
 see, Sir? — eh? — bark, — to bark at night 
 
 there was the mistake — your king's in check." 
 
 " That's a very good story," said Cuthbert; 
 " not but that bark is a very good thing to 
 strengthen people — as for port wine, I can't 
 touch it — drinking it is to me like having a pep- 
 pered birch-broom poked down my throat." 
 
 " Never tried. Highness," said Sniggs, " as 
 the King of Prussia said to the soldier — ever 
 heard that. Sir ? The King of Prussia fond of 
 music — hundred thousand men to sing one song 
 — recollect — check he once took a fan(?y to 
 
24 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 a brave grenadier — story of the bullet for the 
 watch — that you havo heard — never mind, rCim- 
 jmrte. The King of Prussia says to the grena- 
 dier, ' Can you play the fiddle ?' "What d'ye 
 think he answered. Sir? ' Can't guess.' « Never 
 
 tried, Highness' — new story that — ah, Sir ! 
 
 dear me, you have taken my knight." 
 
 " Just take it off the board for me, will you?" 
 said Cuthbert, wholly unable from habit to lift 
 a piece of ivory so ponderous. 
 
 " Talking of knights," said Cuthbert, and 
 looking at his knight's horse's head, " did I ever 
 tell you the story of my being run away with 
 down Shooter's Hill, when I was quite a boy ?" 
 
 " Shooter's Hill !" said Sniggs, with extremely 
 well-acted curiosity ; " no, I think not, Sir." 
 
 " Well, it was very remarkable," said Cuth- 
 bert. " My poor father and I were going in 
 a post-chaise just by the place where there is 
 now a sort of castle in imitation of Severndroog, 
 and something by the roadside frightened the 
 off-horse, and away he went : this frightened the 
 other, and they went down the hill at a tre- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 25 
 
 mendous rate, and everybody thought we should 
 be dashed to atoms, and — you never — ah ! — saw 
 such a sight in your life — ah ! " 
 
 " Well, Sir," said Sniggs (who, like everybody 
 else who had been at Ashmead, had heard Cuth- 
 bert's pet story over and over again), "and what 
 happened?" 
 
 " Why, — ah ! " said Cuthbert, nearly exhausted 
 by the exertion of relating the adventure; 
 " luckily, when they got to the bottom of the 
 hill the horses stopped of themselves." 
 
 "Very lucky, indeed," said Sniggs; "disap- 
 pointed the surgeon there. Sir check to your 
 
 king." 
 
 "Ah ! that's a serious check," said Cuthbert ; " I 
 must think about that. Will you just ring the bell, 
 Doctor — I must send for my snuif. Ah ! and now 
 you are up, do me the kindness just to stir the 
 fire." 
 
 " Check to my king," continued Cuthbert ; 
 " umph — so, so — Hutton, my snuff-box — see 
 what o'clock it is — ah ! " 
 
 " It is past four. Sir," said Sniggs, looking at 
 
 VOL. I. c 
 
26 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 his watch. " We shall scarcely have light enough 
 to finish the game.'' 
 
 " Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " I am afraid we shall 
 — I don't see how to get my king out of this 
 scrape ;" and hereupon the player fell into one 
 of those lengthened reveries which are the cha- 
 racteristics of this noble and scientific diversion. 
 
 Hutton brouo-ht the snuff-box — he stood un- 
 heeded ; at length Cuthbert, raising his eyes from 
 the board with all the gravity of the automaton, 
 looked vacantly at him for half a minute, until 
 Hutton felt it necessary to recall his master to a 
 sense of his situation, and said, " The snuff-box. 
 Sir." 
 
 " Oh ! " sighed Cuthbert, " open it for me, 
 Hutton — this is a puzzler — ah ! " saying which 
 he, with apparent difficulty, carried the pinch he 
 had taken from the box to its destination. 
 
 Franklin says, that by playing at chess we 
 learn : — 
 
 " First. Foresight, which looks a little into fu- 
 turity — considers the consequences that may at- 
 tend an action ; for it is continually occurring to 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 27 
 
 the player, ' If I move this piece, what will be 
 the advantage of my new situation ? What use 
 can my adversary make of it to annoy me ? What 
 other moves can I make to support it, and to de- 
 fend myself from his attacks?' 
 
 " Secondly. Circumspection, which surveys 
 the whole board or scene of action — the relations 
 of the several pieces and situations — the dangers 
 they are perpetually exposed to — the several 
 possibilities of their aiding each other — the pro- 
 babilities that the adversary may take this or that 
 move, and attack this or the other piece; and 
 what different means can be used to avoid the 
 stroke, or turn its consequences against him. 
 
 "Thirdly. Caution — not to make our moves 
 too hastily ; this habit is best acquired by observ- 
 ing strictly the laws of the game, such as, If 
 you touch a piece you must move it somewhere ; 
 if you set it down you must let it stand,' and it 
 is therefore best that these rules should be ob- 
 served ; as the game thereby becomes more the 
 image of human life, and particularly of war ; 
 and which, if you have incautiously put your- 
 g2 
 
28 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 self into a bad and dangerous position, you 
 cannot obtain your enemy's leave to withdraw 
 your troops and place them more securely, but 
 must abide all the consequences of your rash- 
 ness. 
 
 " And, lastly, we learn by chess the habit of 
 not being discouraged by present bad appear- 
 ances ill the state of our affairs: the habit of 
 hoping for a favourable change, and that of per- 
 severing in the search of resources.'* 
 
 As S.niggs watched the entire abstraction of 
 Cuthbert from everything in the world except 
 his jeopardized monarch, he could not avoid 
 thinking of Franklin's description of the advan- 
 tages derivable from the game; but having waited 
 and watched, until it appeared to him that his 
 amiable adversary had either dropped into a 
 slumber, or, at least, a wakeful unconsciousness, 
 burst upon him, by asking if he ever heard what 
 Dr. Franklin said to Mr. Hancock, on the occa- 
 sion of signing the treaty of American Inde- 
 pendence, — " We must be unanimous in this 
 business," said Hancock; " we must all hang 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 29 
 
 together." " Indeed we must," said Franklin, 
 " or else we shall all hang separately." 
 
 " No, never," said Cuthbert, "never; they 
 vvern't hanged, were they? Upon my word, Doc- 
 tor, I cannot take the trouble to get this king out 
 of difficulty. Tell me what had I best do ? " 
 
 " Oh, do you take counsel from your enemy. 
 
 Sir," said Sniggs ; " I should say " 
 
 — what we are not destined to know ; for, at the 
 moment in which the new adviser was taking a 
 searching look at the state of affairs, Cuthbert, 
 overcome by the difficulty to which he had been 
 subjecting himself, gave a tremendous yawn, ac- 
 companied by an attempted change of position 
 upon his sofa cushions, in performing which 
 evolution, his right leg came in contact with 
 Mrs. Gilbert's delicate table, on which they were 
 playing, which was instantly upset. Down went 
 the board, the men, the eau de Cologne, and the 
 snuff-box; knights and pawns were promiscu- 
 ously scattered on the carpet, and Cuthbert, 
 elevating himself, and leaning on his arm, gazed 
 c3 
 
30 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 calmly on the scene of destruction, while Sniggs 
 sat bolt upright in his chair, his eyes widely 
 opened, his brows elevated, and his mouth con- 
 tracted into the first position for whistling, look- 
 ing at the vacant space before him, as spectators 
 gaze on the slip whence a huge ship has just slid 
 into that which modern writers call her " native 
 element," (in which she never had been before,) 
 or the crowd into an enclosure after the ascent 
 of a balloon from the middle of it. 
 
 ^^ Sic transit gloria mundi ! " said Sniggs. 
 
 " To-day is Tuesday," said Cuthbert ; " ring 
 the bell. Doctor, let us have in some of the peo- 
 ple to pick up these men and things — the snuff 
 is spilt, so is the eau de Cologne; and Mrs. 
 Gilbert is so very particular about her carpet. 
 Ah ! what shall we do ?" 
 
 " This, Sir," said Sniggs, " is what you call 
 turning the tables upon me." 
 
 " It did not fall on you^ did it, Doctor ?" said 
 the unsuspecting Cuthbert. 
 
 " No; no harm's done," said Sniggs, who 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 31 
 
 forthwith restored the piece of furniture to its 
 proper place, and began picking up the scattered 
 forces of the contending armies. 
 
 " Don't fatigue yourself," said Cuthbert : 
 " you'll tire yourself to death, stooping about. 
 Ah ! dear me ; what a flurry this accident has 
 put me in." 
 
 Hutton made his appearance, and speedily 
 restored order ; however it was getting too dark 
 to begin a fresh game. The casualties con- 
 sisted of the fracture of one or two pieces, two 
 squares cracked in the inlaid board, the snufF 
 lost, and the eau de Cologne bottle severely 
 wounded; and as it was getting late, Sniggs 
 proceeded to gather up his hat and cloak, for the 
 purpose of retiring. 
 
 " Hadn't you better dine here," said Cuth- 
 bert, " and let us renew our game in the evening 
 —eh, do." 
 
 " You are very kind," said Sniggs, " I shall 
 have great pleasure; but I must just step to the 
 surgery, to make up some few things for my 
 patients ; I will return at six," 
 c4 
 
32 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Come back as soon as you can," said Cuth- 
 bert, " ril get Hutton to wheel me to my room, 
 and dress me directly, so that I shall be here 
 waiting for you." 
 
 " I'll be with you as soon as possible," said 
 Sniggs, who took his departure and hurried 
 home, in order to tell Mrs. Sniggs, that she 
 needn't have the fowl and bacon cooked, which 
 had been ordered as an addition to the cold 
 mutton, but make her dinner upon that, and 
 keep the fowl and the bacon for the next day, 
 when he did not " dine out." 
 
 " Well," said I, entering the room, as soon as 
 I saw Sniggs departing across the lawn ; " you 
 have had a long spell with the doctor." 
 
 " Yes," said Cuthbert, " such a misfortune ! 
 — upset the table — broke the bottle — played the 
 very deuce !" 
 
 " What, in a fit of enthusiasm ?" said I. 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert ; " ah ! dear no — in 
 moving my leg." 
 
 « Well," said I, " that matters little. I am 
 not sorry that Sniggs has moved Ms legs." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 33 
 
 " You don't like Sniggs, Gilbert," said my 
 brother. 
 
 " Indeed I do," replied I ; " but toujours per- 
 drix is too much of a good thing." 
 
 " But he is not a partridge, Gilbert," said my 
 brother. 
 
 " No," said I, " nor a goose ; but the very 
 qualities for which you like his society, are those 
 which make me less glad to see him than I 
 otherwise should be. You like to hear all the 
 gossip of the place, which he unquestionably 
 gives you with point and precision: but whenever 
 I hear his anecdotes of patients, and his details 
 of their disorders, I always recollect that as he 
 is universally agreeable, we, in our turns, with 
 all our little foibles and failings, mental and 
 bodily, become equally subjects of amusement for 
 everybody else in the neighbourhood." 
 
 " Ah, well," said Cuthbert, " there is some- 
 thing in that to be sure that never struck me 
 before ; but what have we about us that can be 
 laughed at?" 
 
 " Oh, my dear brother," said I, " lay not that 
 c5 
 
34 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 flattering unction to your soul ; rely upon it we 
 are just as good subjects for satire and caricature 
 as our neighbours." 
 
 " Well, I don't see that," said my brother — 
 "will you just ring the bell for Hutton? my 
 shoe has got untied, and I want him to tie it 
 for me. I am not conscious of saying or doing 
 anything to be laughed at for." 
 
 I did as I was desired; for although the 
 readiest way of saving my indolent brother the 
 trouble of tying his own shoe would have been 
 tying it for him myself, I knew enough of him 
 to be aware that however importunate and con- 
 tinuous his demands upon the attentions of his 
 servant might be, he would not permit me to 
 inconvenience, or, as he would have thought it, 
 fatigue myself by doing so. 
 
 Hutton came — tied the shoe — lifted the foot 
 upon which it was worn, into its proper place on 
 the sofa — and retired. 
 
 " I am sorry now, that I asked Sniggs to come 
 back and dine," said Cuthbert. 
 
 So was I — not so much because, although 
 12 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 35 
 
 Sniggs was really an agreeable and entertaining 
 companion, he was coming to break in upon 
 what had become to me the delightful homeish- 
 ness of a really family party, or because Cuth- 
 bert's giving invitations without communicating 
 with me, or even going through the ceremony 
 of asking my concurrence, however certain it 
 was never to have been withheld, perpetually re- 
 minded me more forcibly than was quite agree- 
 able, of the real position in which I stood with 
 regard to him. I knew that the odd things 
 which he occasionally did in this way resulted 
 from no feeling but an apathetic indolence of 
 mind, which induced him to make just as much 
 exertion as might secure for himself a certain 
 quantum of amusement. Poor fellow, he had 
 no wife to comfort or console him^ and I often 
 thought that the very sight of our domestic 
 happiness, might perhaps unconsciously some- 
 how worry and vex him. From what I had 
 gathered of his lost lady, she certainly did not, 
 in any one point of person or character, re- 
 semble my dear Harriet ; but still there was the 
 c 6 
 
36 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 contrast continually before his eyes. I therefore 
 made every allowance for his wish to break in 
 upon our serenity, which he could not himself 
 enjoy, by the introduction of what were to him 
 enlivening visitors. 
 
 The Nubleys were almost always at dinner 
 with us, or, if not, " came in the evening," and, 
 to be sure, they were generally counteracted by 
 the Wells's ; and this system of intervention and 
 counteraction had the effect of amusing Cuth- 
 bert, although, as I admit, at the expense of my 
 own comfort. 
 
 Then there was another torment. Where 
 was the absolute necessity of having Lieutenant 
 Merman so constantly with us? Mrs. Wells 
 had discovered that he had an extremely rich 
 aunt ; and now that Harriet was married — for 
 well do I recollect being threatened with this 
 very Lieutenant before she was — he appeared 
 what mothers call an eligible match for Fanny. 
 Him my wife undertook to invite ; and if it were 
 an eligible match for Fanny, and if she liked the 
 man, and the man liked her^ it was all very reason- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 37 
 
 able and natural that Harriet should wish to en- 
 courage it, especially as her father never made any 
 secret of his strong prepossession in favour of the 
 anti-Malthusian system of early marriages. But 
 still it was a great nuisance to me: though I could 
 not say so, because I knew the moment I raised 
 an objection, Harriet would have sent Fanny 
 away, and then, she would have been uncom- 
 fortable without her. 
 
 I remember travelling once in a stage-coach 
 which runs from London — no matter whither, — 
 with two remarkably nice young ladies: — the 
 one in all the sparkling bloom of beauty; a sweet 
 freshness glowed on her rosy cheeks, and love 
 and laughter beamed in her radiant eyes; the 
 other was pale and attenuated, her eyes were 
 languid and downcast, and her weakness such, 
 that she was literally lifted into the coach and 
 laid, as it were, upon the seat opposite to that 
 which her lively sister shared with me. She 
 seemed to be kept alive only by cordial medi- 
 cines, which were administered to her whenever 
 we stopped to change horses. At the town where 
 
38 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 the rest of the passengers dined I got her some 
 Eau de Cologne, and her sister bathed her tem- 
 ples, and the sick girl looked grateful, and even 
 wept ; the pretty sister looked grateful, too, and 
 I became extremely anxious to know more of 
 their history. 
 
 At one period, as the day advanced, and the 
 termination of our journey approached, the in- 
 valid sank into a slumber, of which I took advan- 
 tage to enquire the nature of her complaint. 
 
 " Her case," said my fair companion, " is 
 hopeless. She is returning to her native air, 
 but it is rather to gratify a dying wish, than with 
 any probability of success." 
 
 " What," said I, in a half-whisper, lest I 
 should disturb the sleeper, " what is she suffer- 
 ing from ?" 
 
 "The physicians," replied my companion, 
 " say that her heart is affected." 
 
 " Ah !" said I, " aneurism ?" 
 
 " No, Sir," said my fair friend, shaking her 
 head, " a lieutenant." 
 
 I confess this non-medical description of the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 39 
 
 young lady's disease, (partaking largely, to be 
 sure, of ^'scarlatina ") startled me not a little. 
 However, I looked at her with different eyes 
 afterwards, and endeavoured to convince her 
 sister of the deep interest which I took in both 
 of them. At a particular point of the journey I 
 left them, and shook hands with them, not with- 
 out wishing to hear more of them at some future 
 time. 
 
 It so happened that I did hear more of them ; 
 and, although anybody who hereafter reads my 
 notes may not care to hear it, it is satisfactory 
 to myself to know that the poor invalid re- 
 covered, and by the next year was perfectly 
 restored to health. Whether she arrived at this 
 happy conclusion by putting herself under a 
 regimen or into a regiment^ I did not ascertain. 
 As far as the simple fact goes, there it is. 
 
 My sister-in-law Fanny did not appear to me 
 at all a likely subject for a similar complaint — 
 her present turn was to laugh at her lover. 
 Every woman has her own tactics in the great 
 business of female life; and Fanny sought to 
 
40 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 win by smiles — at least if winning were her 
 object; — and I must say I never saw any man 
 more resolved upon her eventually becoming 
 Mrs. Merman than her reverend father, who 
 was assiduously re-enacting the drama in which 
 I and Harriet had unconsciously performed some 
 months before. 
 
 These words bring me to a subject upon which 
 I shall touch but lightly, because I may be dis- 
 appointed; but as things look at present, it 
 seems most probable that I shall attain to the 
 dignity of a father " before four moons have 
 filled their horns." A thousand new ties will then 
 bind me to the world — a thousand new duties de- 
 volve upon me. Well ! I have thus early in life 
 seen enough of the world to qualify me for a 
 guardian and guide. To be sure, if I should have a 
 son, he will not require much of my "guiding" for 
 some years to come, and then I may look more 
 sternly at the world's "follies," and become a 
 severe parent, as the young beau generally be- 
 comes an old sloven ; but I think I shall be able 
 to make my son, my friend, — a course of educa- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 41 
 
 tion most favourable to a boy who is born while 
 his father is yet young. 
 
 There are, however, men — and I could point 
 out a very remarkable instance — who cannot 
 bring themselves to such a line of proceeding — 
 who see in their sons, rivals for " golden opi- 
 nions," and opponents in the race of life — who 
 hear with no pleasure the shrewd remark, the 
 pointed phraise, or witty observation of the 
 youthful aspirant for fame and honour; but 
 who, feeling as parents do towards their off- 
 spring, and would feel, if they lived to the age 
 of Methuselah, that they are still children, en- 
 deavour to check and subdue the ebullitions of 
 their genius, and keep them subject to them- 
 selves. 
 
 Towards daughters, the feelings of a father 
 are totally different — no rivalry is to be feared 
 there, consequently there is no jealousy. The 
 more lovely, the more accomplished, and the 
 more attractive a girl is, the more delighted is 
 the fond father with her attractions. In some 
 instances, mothers however are found somewhat 
 
42 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 to partake of the feelings of fathers towards their 
 sons, with regard to the young ladies. Many a 
 poor creature has been embargoed into the nur- 
 sery or the governess's room for at least four 
 years after she ought to have been out, because 
 she unfortunately happened to be born when her 
 mamma was not more than seventeen, who at 
 three-and-thirty did not like to have a beautiful 
 repetition of herself at that age, constantly 
 associated with her, to induce comparison. 
 
 By Jove, Sniggs has arrived, and the second 
 bell is ringing — so away with my papers, and 
 
 " To dinner with what appetite we may." 
 
CHAPTER TI. 
 
 Butler tells us that — 
 
 ** All love, at first, like generous wine, 
 Ferments and frets until 'tis fine ; 
 But when 'tis settled on the lee, 
 And from th' impurer matter free, 
 Becomes the richer, still the older, 
 And proves the pleasanter the colder." 
 
 A humorous description of the effects of this 
 pleasant frigidity is given by the facetious, yet 
 almost now forgotten, George Alexander Stee- 
 vens, who says, " Courtship is a fine bowling- 
 green turf, all galloping round and sweetheart- 
 ing — a sunshine holiday in summer time; but 
 when once through the turnpike of matrimony, 
 the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands 
 
44 GURNET? MARRIED. 
 
 are seized witli a cold fit, to which the faculty 
 give the name of Indiiference. Courtship is 
 matrimony's running footman, but is too often 
 carried away by the two great preservatives of 
 matrimonial friendship — delicacy and gratitude. 
 There is also another very serious disorder with 
 which ladies are sometimes seized during the 
 honeymoon, and which the College of Phy- 
 sicians call Sullenness. This malady arises 
 from some incautious word which has been ad- 
 dressed to the patient, who is then leaning on her 
 elbow on the breakfast-table, her cheek resting 
 upon the palm of her hand, her eyes fixed 
 earnestly upon the fire, and her feet beating 
 tat-too time. The husband, meanwhile, is biting 
 his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about 
 the room, and looking at his lady like Old Nick. 
 At last he abruptly says, ' Well, Ma'am, what's 
 the matter with you ?' The lady mildly replies, 
 *• Nothing.' * What is it you do mean ?' ' No- 
 thing.' * What would you have me do ?' « No- 
 thing.' « What have 1 done. Madam ?' « Oh, 
 nothing.' And this quarrel arose at breakfast : 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 45 
 
 the lady very innocently observed she thought 
 the tea was made with Thames water ; the hus- 
 band, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that 
 the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River." 
 
 This, and the domestic felicity of Sir Charles 
 and Lady Racket, " three weeks after mar- 
 riage," brought to my recollection the scene I 
 had witnessed between Mr. and Mrs. Daly at 
 their lodgings in London, and made me congra- 
 tulate myself upon the escape I had made from 
 the superficial attractions of Miss Emma Haines. 
 Thence my thoughts glanced to the expatriated 
 husband and the separated wife in that case ; 
 and I began to wonder what had happened to my 
 once worshipped idol, and how she was "making 
 it out" with her mother and the major. 
 
 Nothing at all comparable with this was hap- 
 pening to me. Harriet was still all gentleness 
 and playfulness. Her wishes seemed to be 
 bounded by the desire of pleasing me ; and her 
 kindness transferred, on my account, not only to 
 my brother, but to the children of his late wife, 
 and even beyond those to others who had no tie 
 
46 GURKEY MARRIED. 
 
 or claim whatever upon us, except as apparently 
 contributing to his comfort, was unqualified as it 
 was unaffected. This is charming; but still 
 
 Here are the three Falwassers — two misses 
 and one master. What then ? — they are en- 
 deared and attached — they scarcely know why — 
 to my brother Cuthbert, who is their father-in- 
 law. Kitty Falwasser, a fine girl of fourteen or 
 fifteen, rubs his temples with Eau-de-Cologne. 
 " Jenny," as he calls her, fetches his snuff-box, 
 cuts the leaves of his books, puts the additional 
 lump of sugar in his tea when Harriet does not 
 make it sweet enough, and even goes the length 
 occasionally of drinking it for him. Tom Fal- 
 wasser is a pyrotechnist ; his whole holidays are 
 passed in making squibs and crackers; and he 
 comes in, after dinner, as his father-in-law de- 
 sires, smelling of gunpowder like a devil. 
 
 I remember, in some former notes of mine, I 
 explained the innocence of this same word, as 
 used colloquially to designate a certain wooden 
 implement, in the use and exercise of which I 
 greatly rejoiced before my union with Harry, — 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 47 
 
 I call her Harry now : how odd ! — and it is again 
 necessary to say, lest I might be considered pro- 
 fane, that when I state Tom to have smelt like 
 a " devil," I mean that he smelt like one of those 
 little, black, haycock-shaped mixtures of gun- 
 powder and water which that mischievous dog, 
 Daly, mixed with Lady Wolverhampton's pastilles, 
 upon the celebrated night when her ladyship's 
 lovely niece fell into the indescribable error 
 committed in other days by the dairy-maid of 
 Dr. Green, the Gloucester schoolmaster, under 
 the auspices of that reverend and much revered 
 gentleman, as recorded by the right worthy John 
 Taylor, the water poet. 
 
 " Gilbert," said Cuthbert to me, " these 
 children of Emily's — just give me my pocket- 
 handkerchief, Jenny. — Poor Emily Well, I 
 wish you had known her; it would have saved 
 me a world of trouble in explaining all her — 
 ah! — virtues and — ah! — merits. — They are 
 nice children, and I love them as if they were 
 my own. Besides, here they are — ah ! — no 
 trouble to me " 
 
48 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I could not help thinking, mischievously 
 perhaps, of the " ready-made family" ware- 
 houses which one sees advertised about 
 town. 
 
 " And they have petitioned me to be 
 
 allowed to invite Mrs. Brandyball, their school- 
 mistress, or, as they call her, their governess, 
 to come here for the last week or fortnight of 
 their holidays, so that ,they may go back with 
 her to school." 
 
 " I'm sure," said 1, " nothing can be more 
 agreeable than to do what you like. Harriet's 
 confinement is shortly expected; but that, of 
 course, will make no difi'erence." 
 
 " She is a very nice woman, indeed," said 
 Cuthbert. " I did not take the trouble to talk 
 to her much ; but she seems very full of proper 
 feeling, and that sort of thing ; and is about as 
 good an European as I recollect to have seen 
 for a great many years." 
 
 A good European ! thought I to myself. 
 Well, I see what must happen; Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball, whoever she is, must come. " Anything, 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 49 
 
 my dear Cuthbert, you wish," said I, " of course 
 you will command." 
 
 " No, Ro," said Cuthbert, " I can't exert 
 myself to command ; only I think it would 
 please the children, and their dear mother, 
 who— to be sure, she is gone; but then she is 
 at rest — that's a great thing ; only I should like 
 to pay every respect to her memory, and to her 
 children. They think it would make them 
 better considered by the whole school, if she came 
 here, and saw how well they lived ; and besides, 
 it would save me the trouble of writing a letter, 
 or dictating to Hutton what I wished to say to 
 her respecting my views of their future educa- 
 tion ; and you have another spare room." 
 
 What could I reply? All the rooms in the 
 house were spare rooms to him. So I said — 
 " My dear Cuthbert, not another word. Mrs. 
 Brandyball will be most welcome to Ashmead ; 
 as, indeed," I added, " is anybody upon earth 
 whom you wish to come here." 
 
 " I have not many friends in this country, 
 
 VOL. I. D 
 
50 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 said Cuthbert ; " that is to say, I dare say I have 
 a good many people with whom I have been very 
 intimate in India, and to whom I am really very 
 much attached ; but I have no idea how to find 
 out where they are ; some, of course, are dead, 
 
 and — so Weil, but I am very glad you have 
 
 no objection to Mrs. Brandyball's visit. Now, 
 the next thing we must do, is to get somebody 
 to write to her to invite her." 
 
 " I think if Kitty Falwasser were to write," 
 said I, " it would perhaps be thought a civil way 
 of doing the thing." 
 
 " Yes," said Cuthbert ; " but then you know 
 she does not write without lines; and then we 
 should have to rule them, and when she had fin- 
 ished, to rub them out, — and besides, she does 
 not like writing, — she is too young for that yet. 
 My poor wife gave instructions to Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball, when the children were sent home, not to 
 force their intellect, — let it develop itself, — don't 
 fatigue their minds, poor things, — think what a 
 thing it would be to learn half a page of a French 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 51 
 
 vocabulary in a day, and take a lesson of danc- 
 ing afterwards ! it's enough to wear them to 
 skeletons !" 
 
 " I quite agree with you," said I, " that no- 
 thing is more absurd, not to call it barbarous, 
 than the forcing system to which you allude, 
 nor anything more lamentable than to see children 
 repeating by rote whole pages of history or poetry, 
 conceived in terms, which, to them, are inexplic- 
 able, and even delivered in a language which 
 they don't understand. Yet still I think Kitty 
 Falwasser might in her fourteenth or fifteenth 
 year contrive to write a letter to her governess, 
 inasmuch as she wrote you a remarkably nice 
 announcement of the approaching holidays." 
 
 " Oh, that," said Cuthbert, raising himself a 
 little upon one of his elbows, " took her thirteen 
 days' constant labour, — so she tells me — did it 
 over two-and-twenty times ; and at last got one 
 of the teachers to put in all the capital letters. 
 No, — Kitty has no turn for writing, — she colours 
 prints very nicely : she has painted all the kings' 
 d2 
 
 LIBRARV 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 
52 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 heads in lier ' History of England,' — she has a 
 genius that way, — her poor mother used to be 
 very clever in — what they call — I can't recollect, 
 — but it was cutting holes in cards, and painting 
 through them — something about tinting I think 
 — no — if you don't like to write, I'll dictate a 
 note to Hutton, and then he can take it himself 
 to the post-office. I want to send my watch down 
 to Stephenson's shop, for somehow, I have lost 
 — or dropped — or mislaid my watch-key ; I dare 
 say it is somewhere under the sofa cushions : 
 however, he'd better go and get me another ; 
 and then Stephenson can set my watch by the 
 church clock. I only found out half an hour ago 
 that it has not been going since Tuesday, when I 
 set it"last." 
 
 I could scarcely keep silence during this beau- 
 tiful illustration of my helpless brother's cha- 
 racter, which developed itself in every action of 
 liis life, if action the evitation of all movement 
 in which he delighted could be called. However, 
 ] wanted to hear the conclusion of his labour- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 33 
 
 saving scheme, before I suggested to him that 
 my wife would probably be the properest person 
 to give the invitation. 
 
 " Oh ! cartainly," said Cuthbert ; " but that 
 will give her a great deal of trouble : and then 
 so near her confinement, — somebody had better 
 write it in her name." 
 
 " No, my dear brother," said I, " Harriet is 
 quite strong enough to write a letter ; she likes 
 employment both mental and bodily, — she'll be 
 delighted." 
 
 " So shall I," said my brother ; " but it is 
 quite wonderful to see her ; and to think, — Oh 
 dear, dear, what a heap of trials women have to 
 undergo ! Yes ; then that, I think, will be the 
 best way, — it will look civil, and attentive, and 
 kind. I wonder I had not thought of that at 
 first." 
 
 " I suppose," said I, " it had better be done 
 immediately ?" 
 
 " Yes, certainly," replied Cuthbert ; " Kitty 
 was very anxious about it this morning, because 
 D 3 
 
54 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I think she told me the lady was gone somewhere 
 — where, I don't remember — to stay for a fort- 
 night, — from whence she could take this on her 
 way home. I'm sure you'll like her — she is so 
 lady-like in her manners, and so gentle, and talks 
 so well, and so very much attached to the chil- 
 dren." 
 
 " That her presence will be agreeable to you," 
 said I, " is, as I have already said,* sufficient of 
 itself to render her a welcome visiter here." 
 
 " There's another thing the girls told me to ask 
 you," said Cuthbert ; " your youngest sister- 
 in-law has been talking to them about — oh 
 dear, my head — about some very clever danc- 
 ing-master who lives here ; and they were saying, 
 if you had no objection, they should like to take 
 lessons three or four times a-week for an hour or 
 two, — it would put them forward, — how they 
 can take this trouble I don't understand ; but 
 they are young and light, to be sure, — and so, 
 — I said I would ask you. The drawing-room 
 isn't used in the mornings, and perhaps — " 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 55 
 
 " Oh, certainly," said I ; " they will not in 
 the least interfere with us — only, perhaps, when 
 Harriet is confined, we may — " 
 
 " Oh, that's another matter," said Cuthbert ; 
 " Kitty has got all the particulars of the man's 
 terms ; and I had the paper yesterday, but Tm 
 sure I haven't any idea where it is now. Do just 
 ring the bell, Gilbert ; I'll get Hutton to look 
 for it, and then he can take a message about it." 
 
 I rang the bell, and Hutton appeared. 
 
 " Have you seen," said Cuthbert to the ser- 
 vant, " a paper about the terms of a dancing- 
 master that Miss Falwasser gave me yester- 
 day?" 
 
 " Yes, Sir," said Hutton, « Mr. Kittington ; 
 I have been there. Sir, — to his house. Miss 
 Falwasser told me to desire him to call upon you 
 to-day : he said he would be here at three. I 
 thought. Sir, Miss had told you so herself, or I 
 should have mentioned it." 
 
 " Oh, that's all very convenient," said Cuth- 
 bert ; " I'll see him when he comes. Where are 
 the young ladies ?" 
 
 d4 
 
56 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Out in the laundry, I believe. Sir," said 
 Hutton, " acting a play ; Master Tom has got 
 some fireworks there, and they are all dressed up ; 
 and Miss Fanny Wells, and her sister, and Mr. 
 Merman are there." 
 
 " Dear me," said Cuthbert ; " what a pity 
 they don't come and act here ; it would amuse 
 us excessively ; it is quite out of the question 
 going all the way across the court-yard. What 
 droll things, — eh ?" 
 
 This all sounded mighty playful and extremely 
 pretty; but the circumstances, the free and easy 
 manner of Miss Kitty Falwasser considered, are 
 not altogether satisfactory to me, I confess. It 
 was clear that the two girls entirely managed their 
 indolent father-in-law ; and that the elder one, 
 fully conscious of her power over him, had, 
 having merely expressed a wish, and asked per- 
 mission to take lessons in dancing, reckoned 
 his compliance so much as a matter of course, as 
 not to think it necessary to wait even till she had 
 obtained it, before she sent for the Terpsichorean 
 professor. As to my opinion or objection upon 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 57 
 
 tlie subject, it was clear that none of the family 
 considered them of the slightest importance. 
 
 I certainly had the curiosity to visit the 
 *' theatre," where I found Miss Falwasser with 
 her face blackened, dressed up in a shawl and 
 turban, having squeezed herself into a pair of 
 her brother Tom's trowsers, personating Othello, 
 while Jenny was exhibiting herself as Desde- 
 mona, — Tom's only bargain being, that he was 
 to fire the salute from the batteries at Cyprus, 
 which were ingeniously represented by one of 
 the coppers in the laundry, which was fitted up 
 with battlements, and cannon round its edge, 
 while the active contriver was concealed within, 
 from which ambush he cunningly managed to 
 raise his hand unseen to the touchhole of his 
 small artillery, the first one of which that was 
 fired recoiled with considerable force, and 
 severely wounded the skilful gunner just be- 
 tween his eyes. 
 
 Tom bellowed, the girls screamed, and the 
 only thing to be done was to send for Sniggs. 
 Fanny Wells was dreadfully agitated, and was 
 D 5 
 
58 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 led to her room by the attentive and assiduous 
 Lieutenant, her sister Bessy following her, but 
 with a far different expression of countenance. 
 All this was unpleasant : but what could I do ? 
 It was clear to me that the elder of the young 
 ladies was blessed with what is called a spirit — 
 a lively imagination, and not the most profound 
 veneration for rigid truth. Her ideas were 
 rather of the romantic, and although her igno- 
 rance of the essentials of education were to my 
 eyes and ears apparent, nature had compensated 
 to her for any deficiency of taste or erudition, 
 by giving her a disposition to inquisitiveness 
 upon all matters except those which were likely 
 to be advantageous either to her manners or her 
 morals. 
 
 Unfortunately for Kitty she was handsome, 
 and every body was foolish enough to tell her 
 so ; which, so long as fortune afforded her a maid 
 and a mirror, was evidently a work of superero- 
 gation. Her sister Jane was her slave, and with 
 a totally different character, temperament, and 
 disposition, compelled to join in pursuits for 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 59 
 
 which she had naturally no inclination, because 
 she literally dared not disobey her senior. 
 
 Snig-gs arrived in less than half an hour to 
 examine Tom's wounds, and a few minutes after 
 came Kittington, the dancing-master, to receive 
 Cuthbert's commands about the lessons, Harriet, 
 who certainly was not so much affected by the 
 bump on Tom's nose as I apprehended she 
 might have been, sat down to write Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball a letter of invitation ; and while Tom was 
 bellowing like a calf up and down stairs, Fanny 
 Wells sobbing most interestingly, and Jane and 
 Bessy talking over the explosion as something- 
 terrific, I was assailed at once in the drawing- 
 room, where Cuthbert was deposited, by the 
 medical opinions of the apothecary, the discussion 
 of terms with the dancing-master, and the hypo- 
 critical sentimentalism of Lieutenant Merman, 
 whom I admit I cordially detested. 
 
 " The accident," said Sniggs, " is providen- 
 tially unimportant: an inch one way or the 
 other might have made it serious — right eye — 
 left eye — one or the other might have gone — 
 D 6 
 
60 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 but in the middle, between the two eyes, is what 
 I call * In medio tutissimus ^ye his^ — not bad that, 
 Mr. Gurney, considering I am only a pupil 
 myself. The worst effect will be a little dis- 
 colouration of the skin. I'll send up something 
 by way of fomentation, which shall set all to 
 rights : but I w^ould advise you to caution Master 
 Falwasser not to repeat the experiment." 
 
 " Certainly, I shall," said Cuthbert. " Fool- 
 ish boy, to take all that trouble to load all those 
 little cannon, and then to get into a copper to 
 fire them. Dear, dear, how indefatigable youth 
 is in the pursuit of pleasure !" 
 
 " Ah !" said Sniggs, turning to Mr. Kitting- 
 ton, '' good day — how is Mama — lumbago 
 better ? — did not call this morning — used the 
 opodeldoc ? — sister quite well ?" 
 
 " Quite well, thank you," said Kittington. 
 
 " Well, I'll be off home for the lotion for 
 Master Tommy," said Sniggs, "and will loc^^ 
 in in the evening to see how he is going on." 
 
 Away went Sniggs, with this friendly promise 
 of another visit. I left Cuthbert to settle his 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 61 
 
 schemes with Kittington, to whose presence he 
 felt it necessary to summon his two fascinating 
 daughters-in-law, in order to give him a notion 
 of their peculiar graces. Bessy Wells had been 
 his pupil, so the meeting was no doubt extremely 
 satisfactory to all parties. All I know of it was 
 that at its termination Mr. Kittington was ap- 
 pointed to attend Mondays, Wednesdays, Thurs- 
 days, and Saturdays, and that Merman invited 
 himself not only to be present at the perfor- 
 mances, but to join our family circle on the then 
 present day — 
 
 " His custom always in the afternoon." 
 
 Well, this was certainly no improvement to 
 my prospects, nor were the comfort and regula- 
 rity of my establishment very much improved 
 by the extraordinary proceedings of Cuthbert, 
 not only as regarded his promiscuous invitations 
 to strangers, but as related to the little nick- 
 nacke.ies in which he was in the habit of revell- 
 ing, himself. After various attempts to describe, 
 through Hutton, the veritable mode of dressing 
 
6*2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 a kabob, or sending up a pillau, he went the 
 length of having my cook, — I say my cook, as 
 if, in point of fact, every thing in the house 
 were not his — into the breakfast-room or the 
 drawing-room, if that happened to be " head- 
 quarters" with the ladies, whom he never left ; 
 and there instruct her in the arcana of Oriental 
 gastronomy, not theoretically but practically, 
 by superintending in his horizontal position the 
 cuttings and choppings, triturations, amalgama- 
 tions, and all the other botherations which he con- 
 sidered necessary to produce one or two dishes, 
 his partiality for which he attributed to the 
 circumstance of the late Mrs. Cuthbert Gurney 
 having been particularly fond of them. 
 
 There really was something in Cuthbert's in- 
 dolence which was extremely trying to the 
 patience, or the activity, or whatever it might 
 be, of those around him. He seemed uncon- 
 sciously to glory in his, to me, melancholy 
 inanition. He certainly was one of those of 
 whom Johnson says, " They boast that they do 
 nothing, and thank their stars that they have 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 63 
 
 nothing to do ; who sleep every night till they 
 can sleep no longer, and rise only to take suffi- 
 cient exercise to enable them to sleep again" — 
 in this particular the likeness failed, for Cuthbert 
 took none — " who prolong the reign of darkness 
 by double curtains, and never see the sun but 
 to tell him how they hate his beams: whose 
 whole labour is to vary the posture of indul- 
 gence, and whose day differs from their night 
 only as a couch or chair differs from a bed." 
 
 Well, then came another worry. Harriet, first 
 prejudiced against my poor friend Sniggs by her 
 mother, who certainly entertained a sneaking 
 mistrust of his professional skill, and now, in the 
 case of becoming a mother, still more disinclined 
 to attempt to conquer her dislike, resolved, even 
 if she were to have no medical attendant and 
 certainly to die, not to have Sniggs as her "doc- 
 tor " on the approaching occasion. I ventured 
 to remonstrate, ran over a catalogue of names of 
 the best people in the neighbourhood who em- 
 ployed him ; but all in vain : to her the loss of 
 her infant sister Adelgitha, was light by compa- 
 8 
 
64 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 rison with the anticipation she entertained of his 
 giving a sort of circular description to the good 
 folks of Blissfold of all the circumstances con- 
 nected with her case, whatever it might turn out 
 to be. She alForded me the first proof of a reso- 
 lution to have her own way upon this occasion. 
 But then it was quite reasonable. She had, in 
 the first place, no confidence in his abilities ; and, 
 in the second, she had heard him give relations of 
 the calamities of all our neighbours, in a tone and 
 manner which she dreaded lest he should adopt 
 when her own indisposition became the subject 
 of general conversation. 
 
 " A newsmonger," says Butler, " is a retailer 
 of rumour, that takes upon trust, and sells as 
 cheap as he buys. He deals in a commodity that 
 will not keep ; for if it be not fresh, although true 
 in its origin, it lies on* his hands and will yield 
 nothing. True or false, it is all one to him ; for 
 novelty being the grace of both, a truth grows 
 stale as well as a lie : and as a slight suit will last 
 as well as a better, while the fashion holds, a lie 
 will serve as well as truth, till new ones come up. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 65 
 
 He is little concerned whether it be good or bad, 
 for that does not make it more or less news ; and 
 if there be any difference, he prefers the bad, 
 because it is said to come soonest; for he would 
 willingly bear his share in any public calamity 
 to have the pleasure of hearing and telling it. He 
 tells news, as men do money, with his fingers, for 
 he assures them it comes from very good hands. 
 The whole business of his life is like that of a 
 spaniel, to fetch and carry, and when he does it 
 well he is clapped on the back and fed for it ; for he 
 does not take it altogether, like a gentleman, for 
 his pleasure : but when he lights on a considerable 
 parcel of news he knows where to put it off for a 
 dinner, and quarters himself upon it, until he 
 has eaten it out : and, by this means, he drives a 
 trade, by retrieving the first news to truck it for 
 the first meat in season : and, like the old Roman 
 luxury, ransacks all seas and lands to please his 
 palate." 
 
 Such a man Harriet set down Sniggs to be. 
 And there are certain points upon which a woman 
 must neither be thwarted nor disturbed. Harriet 
 
66 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 was about to assume a new character in the 
 world — so was I ; but then, dear soul, she was 
 so much more personally concerned with the 
 change, that the moment she expressed her de- 
 cided aversion from calling Sniggs into council, 
 I resolved that he should most certainly not be 
 admitted. But, as one likes to live peaceably with 
 his neighbours, and as Sniggs was, I am sure, a 
 kind-hearted man, and, as I believe, an able prac- 
 titioner, I saw at once that the only way to soothe 
 his feelings and moderate his anger at being 
 excluded, would be to send to London for some 
 most extraordinary popular accoucheur, a baronet 
 if possible, but decidedly not below the degree 
 of knighthood, whose unquestioned claims would 
 set to rest in a moment the uneasiness of the 
 Blissfold apothecary, even though the magnate 
 himself had in other days filled a similar situa- 
 tion to his own. 
 
 All these things worried me. I have a strong 
 feeling that genius and talent are to be found in 
 thousands of places besides the highest, if one 
 only knew where to hit them ; and that not only 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 67 
 
 in medicine and surgery, but in every art and 
 science in the world, which, without some acci- 
 dental circumstance, some coincidence for which 
 none of us are prepared, to bring them into 
 notice, remain to 
 
 " Waste their ' powers ' on the desert air." 
 
 In no pursuit is this truth more evident than that 
 of literature. If ever I should have an influence 
 over publishers, — which, since my literary hopes 
 were nipped in the bud by the unequivocal con- 
 demnation of my first and only farce at the Hay- 
 market playhouse, now seven years ago, is not 
 likely, — I would endeavour to impress upon their 
 minds the vast injustice they do, not only to the 
 said genius and talent, but to themselves, in un- 
 equivocally rejecting works by unknown authors. 
 Every author must be at first unknown, and every 
 author must write a first work — unless, indeed, 
 he could adopt the course proposed by an Irish 
 gentleman who wished to learn German. — " The 
 first half-dozen lessons, Sir," said the master, "are 
 tedious, difficult, and disagreeable ; but after that^ 
 
68 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 you will begin to appreciate the beauties of the 
 language." — " Then, Sir,'' said Mr. O'Brallaghan, 
 " hadn't we better begin with the seventh ? " 
 
 One of the strongest proofs that genius must 
 triumph without the aid of a name, is to be found 
 in the anonymous publication of " Waverly." 
 Of the author of " Waverly," when it first ap- 
 peared, who knew anything ? Not a human be- 
 ing supposed that this leader of the most splen- 
 did course of fiction that ever graced the annals 
 of our literature would have been rejected — most 
 probably unread — because it bore no known 
 writer's name on its title-page ! The supposi- 
 tion is perfectly natural. Such things happen 
 every day, as injudiciously as unjustly; and sure 
 I am, that, if I were a writer enjoying a consi- 
 derable share of popularity, derived more perhaps 
 from good fortune than merit, I should be the 
 first to endeavour to overturn this system of ex- 
 clusion, and give every man or woman of talent 
 (equal in all probability to my own, although kept 
 in obscurity by adverse circumstances) a fair 
 chance of starting in the race, if not for fame, at 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 69 
 
 least for that which, in these mercenary days, is 
 perhaps a more substantial reward for their labours. 
 
 However, able or not, skilful or a bungler, 
 wise or foolish, my wife will not have Sniggs ; 
 so I must look out. 
 
 In the course of the afternoon, peace was per- 
 fectly re-established, and Cuthbert, quite over- 
 come by the effort of hearing Sniggs's scientific 
 description of Tom's accident, and making his 
 arrangements with Mr. Kittington, was reclining 
 on the sofa, with Kitty sitting rubbing his ancles, 
 and Jenny bathing his temples with what his man 
 Hutton called " O go along," meaning thereby 
 " Eau de Cologne." Tom, with his head dressed 
 like Cupid, but in every other respect looking 
 like an imp, was seated at a table thumbing over 
 a book, which he aflFected to be reading, and 
 Fanny Wells was occupied in painting a rose 
 upon the top of a paper card-box. 
 
 " Well," said I, as I entered the room, " the 
 invitation to Mrs. Brandy ball is gone — are you 
 pleased, Kitty?" 
 
70 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Oh yes, uncle," said Kitty, " it will make 
 her so good-natured to us when we go back." 
 
 " Ah, poor things," said Cuthbert, " they 
 have enough to do when they are at school. 
 Oh dear ! Well, Gilbert, I have settled about 
 the dancing. He can come very early in the 
 morning twice a-week, and about the middle of 
 the day on the other two days ; but he seems to 
 think you must have the carpet taken up in the 
 drawing-room. They can't do their — w^hat does 
 he call them ? — some of the steps — on a carpet. 
 So I told him I thought it would take great 
 labour to do that; but Hutton says that he, 
 and James, and the coachman, can take it up in 
 an hour." 
 
 " Yes," said I, not quite gratified at the pro- 
 posal of uncarpeting the best room in my house, 
 and converting it into a dancing-school; the 
 more especially as it joined our own bed-room, 
 and as the early lessons might in some degree 
 interfere with Harriet's morning slumbers. 
 However, I said yes. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 71 
 
 " What a nice little foot Mr. Kittington has 
 got !" said Kitty Falwasser, as she rubbed, as I 
 thought with an air of invidious comparativeness, 
 those of Cuthbert. 
 
 " Law, my dear child," said Fanny, " how 
 came you to notice that ?" 
 
 " I'm sure I don't know, cousin," said Kitty ; 
 " I always look at gentlemen's feet. He is a 
 very nice man altogether I think, and so does 
 cousin Bessy." 
 
 Yes, thought I, and you are a very nice 
 young lady; however, the holidays don't last 
 for ever. 
 
 " He is quite a swell," said Tom, looking out 
 from under the bandage which Sniggs had ap- 
 plied to his darkening eyes. 
 
 Charming boy, said I to myself. 
 
 " Much smarter than the chap as teaches at 
 Doctor Brusher's." 
 
 " Tom," said I, " what sort of a master is the 
 doctor ?" 
 
 " He's a rum-un to look at," said Tom ; 
 " a hold chap and wears a wig, all fuzzy out. 
 
72 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 and we sticks pens hinto hit, whichever on us 
 his behind im hat lesson time." 
 
 " Is he much in school himself?" said I. 
 
 " Not a great deal," said Tom ; " he's a good 
 deal hover at the White Art ; he's a dab at bil- 
 liards, and e's halmost halways hat hit : yet e 
 wollops hus like sacks if he hitches us playing 
 marvels for hanythink." 
 
 " Are there many boys at the school ?" said 
 I, marvelling myself at the style of Tom's lan- 
 guage and his mode of pronunciation, of which, 
 as he was always, till the recent accident, some- 
 where out of sight playing with gunpowder, I 
 ha(i not had any great previous experience. 
 
 " Ow many ?" said Tom, " heighty-height 
 last alf." 
 
 " Are you kept very hard at work, my dear 
 boy ?" said Cuthbert, looking at him with a 
 "^ mingled expression of affection and compassion, 
 which to me appeared most absurd. 
 
 " Oh, yes, Pa," said Tom, " I believe so 
 too ; we get hup at six — too minutes hallowed 
 to dress — then down to prayers. Billy Dixon 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 73 
 
 gabbles them over fast enough, I can tell you. 
 Old Brusher don't get hup imself so hearly." 
 
 " And who is Billy Dixon, dear ?" said Cuth- 
 bert, in a tone of enquiry so pathetic, that, 
 although he was my brother, I could scarcely 
 help laughing. 
 
 " Billy Dixon," said Tom, " is one of the 
 hushers : is name is Williams. All the chaps 
 calls him Billy Dixon, just as they calls Opkins, 
 the Hinglish husher, Snob. E reads the prayers ; 
 then we as to say the lessons what we learnt hover 
 night; then them as is igh hup, does Hugh Clid 
 and Matthew Mattocks. I'm not liin them yet. 
 And we does ciphering till height; then .we 
 breakfasts, and after that, we goes into the back 
 yard and washes our ands and faces ; then hout 
 agin into the play-ground till ten ; then in agin 
 till twelve ; hout till dinner at one." 
 
 " And do you live well, my poor boy ?" said 
 Cuthbert. 
 
 " Lots of grub," said Tom, " sich as it is. 
 Sundays we has baked beef — long, bony bits — 
 hunderdone — and plenty of ard pudden ; Satur- 
 
 VOL. I. E 
 
74 GURNEY MARRlEt). 
 
 days, scrapings and stick-jaw. Hobliged to bolt 
 all the fat, else we kitches toko. They gives us 
 swipes for dinner and supper, with cheese as ard 
 as hiron, hand as black has my at ; but they tells 
 us it's olesome." 
 
 " And does Dr. Brusher," said I, curious to 
 ascertain the advantages which Tom derived 
 from the tuition of so able a man, in return for 
 sixty pounds a-year, and no extras — " does the 
 Doctor attend much to your general conduct ?" 
 
 " Yes," said Tom ; " he reads lectures to us, 
 and hexamines us in the hevenings." 
 
 " But I mean with regard to your manners 
 and conversation," said I. 
 
 " Bush — he be smoked !" said Tom. " If E 
 was to hinterfere with our big boys, they'd 
 
 ' Send him to the chimney top to fetch away the bacon.' " 
 
 " What a droll creature you are !" said Cuth- 
 bert. 
 
 " Mother Bopps is very good-natured to some 
 
 of the little chaps," continued the communicative 
 
 pupil. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 75 
 
 " And who may she be ?'* said Fanny Wells. 
 
 " Oh ! Mother Brusher," said Tom ; " but 
 only we halways calls her Bopps. I don't 
 know why ; — hit's halways bin so, afore I went." 
 
 " Ay, it is the nature of women to be kind," 
 said Cuthbert, sighing, 
 
 " She takes care," said Tom, " that we wash 
 our faces and ands Saturday nights, to be all 
 nice and clean for church on Sunday morning." 
 
 " But I presume," said I, " you repeat your 
 ablutions when you get up ?" 
 
 " No we don't," said Tom ; " we repeat the 
 Colic of the day — the little uns does Cathekiss. 
 As for our feet, we as 'em washed once a 
 quarter." 
 
 " And in what," said I, perfectly astonished 
 at the erudition, delicacy, and cleanliness of my 
 young connexion, " in what does the Doctor 
 examine you ?" 
 
 " In the front parlour," said Tom. 
 
 " No," said I ; " but I mean upon what sub- 
 jects?" 
 
 " Oh !" said Tom; " E hasks hus hall man- 
 e2 
 
76 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 ner of rum questions hout of istory or the Dix- 
 onary." 
 
 " Well, now, shall / ask you some ?" said I. 
 
 " Oh, don't give the poor boy any trouble in 
 the holidays, Gilbert," said Cuthbert; " he is 
 home for relaxation and amusement." 
 
 " Oh, but hi likes hit. Pa," said Tom. 
 
 " So do I," said Kitty; " I like to be ex- 
 amined. I have got two medals and ' Thomson's 
 Seasons,' for prizes in jography." 
 
 " Well," said I, " Kitty, you shall join our 
 class." So, taking up the newspaper which (as 
 newspapers will do,) happened to lie upon the 
 table^ I asked my fair young friend where the 
 Mediterranean was ? 
 
 " In Asia, uncle," said Kitty, without the 
 slightest hesitation. 
 
 " Oh, you fool !" said Tom ; " hi knows bet- 
 ter than that; it's in America." 
 
 " But how do you get into it, Kitty?" said I. 
 
 " Through Behring's Straits," answered the 
 young lady. 
 
 I stared, smiled, and proceeded. 
 
i 
 
 GURNEY MARRIED. 77 
 
 " What is a quadruped, Tom ?" said I. 
 
 " A large fish," replied Tom. 
 
 " That it an't, Tom," said Kitty. « I know 
 what it is : it is an animal that runs upon the 
 ceiling, with a great many legs." 
 
 Whether Cuthbert was himself not more en- 
 lightened than his dear daughter and son-in-law, 
 or whether he thought it too much trouble to set 
 them right, I don't pretend to say ; he looked 
 perfectly satisfied, and I thought it not worth 
 while to endanger his repose by questioning 
 the accuracy of their answers. 
 
 " Jenny, dear," said I to the simple creature, 
 " what is a pedagogue ?" 
 
 " A place to put statues in, uncle," said fair 
 innocence. 
 
 " I wonder," said Kitty, " how you come to 
 know that so well — somebody must have told you 
 — I could not have guessed it." 
 
 " What king of England," said I to Kitty, 
 " reigned immediately before George the First ?" 
 
 " Before him ?" said Kitty ; " George the 
 Second, uncle." 
 
 e3 
 
78 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Bush," said Tom, « how could that be, you 
 fool ? he reigned after im. I guess oo hit was 
 that reigned directly afore him." 
 
 " Who ?" said I. 
 
 « Heddud the Fifth," said Tom. 
 
 " It is unlikely," said I, reading from the 
 newspaper, " that the French minister will be 
 able to cajole the emperor into such a measure." 
 " What does cajole mean ?" 
 
 " To kill a man," said Tom. 
 
 " Well," said I, " I won't bore you any more, 
 for your Fa is getting sleepy ; but what are you, 
 Tom — animal, vegetable, or mineral ?" 
 
 " I am a vegetable," said Tom. 
 
 " Then," said I, " what is a cauliflower?" 
 
 " A mineral," said Tom. 
 
 " I know Fm an animal," said Kitty. 
 
 Yes, thought I, my dear ; and rather a strange 
 one too. 
 
 If this examination were written to meet the 
 public eye, the reader would fancy its absurdities 
 too gross to bear even the semblance of probabi- 
 lity ; but, nevertheless, I have put down this 
 
 i 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 79 
 
 portion of it, verbatim from the lips of the hope- 
 ful children with whom my house is so elegantly 
 furnished. 
 
 " How soon an accident happens," said Cuth- 
 bert, gravely raising himself in his usual manner 
 on one elbow, and looking at Tom — " that dear 
 boy might have lost his sight by the blow of that 
 cannon. Pm sure I never see any thing of the 
 kind without thinking of the day my poor dear 
 father and I were coming down Shooter's Hill — 
 near that Severndroog place, and the horses took 
 
 fright at something in the road, and " 
 
 « Yes, Pa," said Kitty, " but then they stop- 
 ped of themselves when they got to the bottom 
 of the hill. You see I never forget any thing you 
 tell me." 
 
 " Dear girl," said Cuthbert, making a sort of 
 kissatory motion with his lips, to which Kitty 
 immediately responded, by leaving his feet, and 
 conferring on him a chaste and filial salute. 
 
 " I fancy," said I, " it is getting on for din- 
 ner-time. Who dines here ? — does anybody 
 know ?" 
 
 e4 
 
80 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " I asked the Nableys," said Ciithbert, " but 
 they can't come." 
 
 " And Harriet has asked Mr. Merman," said 
 Fanny. 
 
 "And I begged dear Bessy to stop," said Kitty. 
 
 " And I think," said Fanny, " Harriet has in- 
 vited Ma, because Pa dines at Lord Fussbo- 
 rough's." 
 
 Well, thought I, this sounds to my ears very 
 much as if I had painted over my door — " An 
 ordinary here at six o'clock every day, Sundays 
 not excepted ;" or rather, as if I were the keeper 
 of a table d^ hote^ at which, as hote, I was permitted 
 to preside, rather as an accommodation to the 
 company in the way of carving, than as being 
 master of the house. 
 
 These were minor evils, but I could not, 
 without pain and apprehension, witness the grow- 
 ing power and influence of the three alien chil- 
 dren of the late Mr. Falwasser over my kind- 
 hearted placid brother. Upon every occasion, 
 before and since his return from India, he had 
 practically evinced his affection and regard for 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 81 
 
 me, and I am the last person in the world to be 
 jealous of any kindness or liberality which he 
 may feel inclined to bestow upon others ; but in 
 this case he seemed to me to be entailing upon 
 himself a responsibility of which he himself was 
 not aware, and to sustain which he was physically 
 as well as morally incapable. 
 
 When Kitty grew to be sixteen or seventeen 
 — or rather when she became sixteen or seven- 
 teen, for she had grown in outward appearance 
 to that age already — it was clear to me that with 
 her character and disposition, her unflinching 
 adherence to any favourite point until she had 
 carried it, joined to a consciousness of the power 
 she actually possessed over Cuthbert, she would 
 lead him into all sorts of difficulties, against which 
 he had not sufficient strength of mind to contend. 
 Of course I was not constantly with them, and 
 they were frequently alone, or perhaps with Jane 
 as a third ; and it is easy to imagine that entirely 
 freed from restraint — although I must admit she 
 never appeared much gine^d by either my pre- 
 sence or that of Harriet — she spoke her mind and 
 E 5 
 
82 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 expressed her wishes with a sincerity and decision 
 proportionate to Cuthbert's acknowledged affec- 
 tion for the children, and his gradually increasing 
 concessions. 
 
 I repeat, 1 am not jealous of this ; but I am not 
 blind to the effect of the influence of these young 
 people, who, although as I have ascertained, 
 lamentably ignorant of the rudiments of educa- 
 tion, are — at least I speak particularly of Kitty 
 — full of low worldly cunning. I perceive in 
 Cuthbert's manner to my wife less tenderness of 
 feeling, less regard for her comforts, less defer- 
 ence to her wishes, than it exhibited previous to 
 their invasion of my territory — if mine it can be 
 called ; and Harriet herself, I am sure, is sensible 
 of the change, although she is too kind even to 
 hint such a thing to me, 
 
 I must struggle with these feelings — I find 
 myself growing irritable and querulous — I am 
 not master of my own house. — Aye, there it 
 comes again — is it my own house? Surely, while 
 that is the question, Cuthbert should more care- 
 fully than anybody else in the world prevent my 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 83 
 
 feeling how much I owe him, and how dependent, 
 in point of fact, I am upon him. I must, how- 
 ever, check the growing dislike I feel for Kitty 
 — her manner, her conversation, are repugnant 
 to my notions of the attributes of anj'^thing so 
 young ; it seems to me that every suggestion she 
 makes is founded upon calculation — every look at 
 Cuthbert is studied — her dress, regulated gene- 
 rally by bad taste, is ill suited to her age, if not 
 to her figure ; and the very slip-off of her frock 
 from the top of her left shoulder, meant to seem 
 accidental and look negligent, is the result of a 
 study of her attractions, which she fancies in- 
 creased by the display. And yet this miniature 
 Machiavel, who is at this moment leading Cuth- 
 bert about like a child, purposes to get into the 
 Mediterranean through Behring's Straits, and 
 tells us gravely that a quadruped is an animal 
 that runs upon the ceiling with a great many legs. 
 It is wonderful to see how much Nature has 
 done for her, and how little, Art. To my mind, 
 however, bipeds are more likely to interest her 
 E 6 
 
84 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 attention than quadrupeds at a not much later 
 period of her life. 
 
 Dinner came — Mr. Wells came — the Lieute- 
 nant came — Tom dined at table because the ex- 
 plosion had lost him his regular dinner — and, 
 for the first time, the two young ladies. 1 said 
 nothing, but looked at Harriet, who made me 
 understand in a moment that Cuthbert had de- 
 sired it. We were crowded, and the girls had 
 dined before; and Cuthbert, I thought, saw, 
 not exactly that I was annoyed, but surprised, at 
 the new arrangement ; for he presently mentioned 
 that, as poor Tommy had had no dinner, he had 
 told Hutton to tell the butler to lay a cover for 
 him ; and that when he had done so, Kitty had 
 said it would be very dull for her and Jane to be 
 by themselves, and that she did not mind where 
 she sat ; " and," added he, " so I have put her 
 close by ?we." And there they did sit, and so did 
 / — not much satisfied with what I saw, but cer- 
 tainly not anticipating the coming events of the 
 evening. 
 
CHAPTER III, 
 
 I AM perfectly sure that the growth of affection, 
 so generally admitted to be the inevitable result 
 of juxtaposition and constant association between 
 those whose tastes accord, whose feelings assimi- 
 late, and whose habits and principles are conge- 
 nial, is neither so rapid nor so decided as the 
 progress of dislike when once the sentiment has 
 taken hold of one. I felt as I sat carving a huge 
 haunch of mutton, which in our moderate esta- 
 blishment still maintained its place at head- 
 quarters, unbanished to the side-table, that I 
 really was nothing more than purveyor to the 
 party, and likened myself to one of those moun- 
 
86 GURNEY MARRIED, 
 
 tains of flesh who were wont to cut slices from 
 huge rounds of beef in a shop at the corner of 
 St. Martin's-court, and sell them — 
 
 " To every passing villager." 
 
 There were seven or eight people to be helped 
 to mutton, — of which seven or eight, my wife 
 and brother were the only two w4io had any 
 legitimate claim to places at the table. It is all 
 very true Mrs. Wells is a very nice woman, but 
 even she, I think, interferes more than is neces- 
 sary in my domestic affairs, and seems to impress 
 upon Harriet's mind that the mode in which 
 matters are managed at the Rectory is the only 
 system to be adopted and adhered to all over 
 the world. I hate boiled pork, — so does Harriet, 
 — a parsnip is my aversion, it reminds me of a 
 sick carrot. No matter — Mrs. Wells has instilled 
 into her daughter's mind the necessity of having 
 certain prescribed joints and dishes on certain 
 particular days in the week ; and accordingly it 
 was but yesterday that I was taken by surprise 
 with an odious leg of boiled pork, accompanied 
 by a mixture resembling nothing but a dab of 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 87 
 
 yellow plaster for a wall, which they call pease- 
 pudding. 
 
 To-day was mutton day, of which fact I was 
 fully aware long before dinner-time. My pre- 
 decessor at Ashmead could not endure the smell 
 of the dishes lie was destined afterwards to taste, 
 and accordingly consulted one of our most emi- 
 nent architects upon the construction of his kit- 
 chen. The kitchen was built under the direction 
 of the modern Vitruvius at the extremity of a 
 long passage divided by double doors, and ven- 
 tilated in the middle by a sort of open turret, 
 which was to render the whole affair unsmell- 
 able. The result is that the servants, who are 
 continually passing and repassing along this pas- 
 sage, invariably fasten, or as they call it " trig," 
 both doors back, in order to save themselves the 
 trouble of shutting or opening them ; my cook, 
 who dreads the rheumatism, fastens up the flap- 
 pers of the turret ; and the consequence is, that 
 the north-easterly wind, which gets into the kit- 
 chen on the other side, blows the whole flavour 
 of the feast, right through this kind of funnel, 
 10 
 
88 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 into the hall and house generally, but more par- 
 ticularly into the dinner-room itself, from which 
 the door to the offices opens directly into the 
 passage. 
 
 Cuthbert, who looks like parchment, and smells 
 like a Japan cabinet, is perfectly indifferent to 
 every inconvenience that does not compel him 
 to move. If he get his curry done to his 
 liking, — the light yellow Moorman's curry, with 
 pickles ; and his promiscuous kabobs, in which he 
 revels at breakfast, or his occasional pillau, — he 
 is content ; although on the days when the flavour 
 of mutton does not supersede every other scent, 
 the whole place is redolent of oriental condiments. 
 Kissing Kitty is a venial offence as far as her 
 father-in-law is concerned, but it makes me sick 
 to see him feeding her with his own spoon at 
 table, picking her out little nice bits of sweet- 
 meats, and then making her " sweeten his glass," 
 before he drinks his wine. Well, a fortnight more 
 and the holidays will be over, and then some- 
 thing like order will be restored here. 
 
 I had concluded the round of feeders, and 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. bSJ 
 
 helped myself, and was beginning to make pre- 
 parations for eating my dinner, when, just as I 
 had got a morsel on my fork, and while it hung, 
 Mahomet-like, midway between my plate and 
 my mouth, its progress was suddenly stayed by 
 Cuthbert. 
 
 " Gilbert," said he, " here is a young lady who 
 will trouble you for a bit more, — that which you 
 sent her before is hardly enough done; just 
 turn the haunch over, and cut her a little slice — 
 under — there — I cannot point out the place ex- 
 actly — where it's brown : Kitty is like her pappy, 
 she likes her meat well done ; don't you, dear ? " 
 
 " I like whatever you like. Pa," said the young 
 lady. 
 
 " Hyaena," said I to myself, as I essayed for 
 the third time to turn the unwieldy joint, a trial 
 of my skill and patience which ended in its 
 slipping from my hold, and toppling down into 
 the midst of its gravy, of which it made a sudden 
 dispersion, producing an effect similar to that of 
 one of Shrapnell's shells upon a small scale ; and 
 I confess I was rather pleased than vexed when I 
 
90 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 saw a considerable portion of the lava-like liquid 
 fly from the dish into the face of the odious Tom 
 Falwasser, who received the aspersion with the 
 worst imaginable grace, and the worst possible 
 philosophy. 
 
 " Bush," cried the savage; " ain't I cotched 
 it now? I say, Pa, my heye is hout." 
 
 « Poor boy ! " said Cuthbert. " Ah, that's 
 it ; misfortunes never come alone, — my fault — 
 dear me ! Oh, Gilbert, don't trouble yourself," 
 and so on, until he had persuaded the yahoo that 
 he was wretchedly persecuted, and induced Miss 
 Falwasser to give me a look, such as she would 
 Jiave bestowed upon my butler, if by any accident 
 he had utterly spoiled her sky-blue silk dress, by 
 spilling half a plate of soup on it, in handing it 
 over her shoulder. 
 
 I was in a bad humour, and yet those who 
 know me, have always fancied it would take a 
 great deal to drive me into one. As Caleb Quo- 
 tem says, in his song in the admirable farce of 
 the '« Review," — 
 
 " Many small articles make up a sum." 
 
GURNET MARRIED. 91 
 
 And upon the present occasion the truth of the 
 line was most painfully evident to me inasmuch 
 as it was a combination of little irritations by 
 which I w£is aflfected. Harriet seemed unaccount- 
 ably lively; and she and Fanny had some joke 
 between them and that odious red-fisted Lieuten- 
 ant Merman. I hate him more and more every 
 day. What is it — what has soured my temper ? 
 
 I was asking myself this question seriously, 
 for the third or fourth time, just as the second 
 course had been removed — if second course, a 
 brace of pheasants at one end of the table, some 
 sea kale at the other, and some pastry and jellies 
 at the sides, could be so called : and I felt a 
 certain degree of relief from the cessation of a 
 duty with which, I admit, mingled very little 
 pleasure — when I heard the sound of carriage 
 wheels approaching the house door. That sound 
 suddenly ceased, and a peal on the bell set the 
 house itself ringing. 
 
 Everybody looked amazed. We expected 
 nobody. The Nubleys were not coming. Wells 
 could not have left the Earl's so early ; we all 
 
9*2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 were astounded, save and except my brother 
 Cuthbertj and that minx Kitty, who, when we 
 were all staring at each other, in " amazement 
 lost," said to her " Pa," loud enough for me to 
 hear, " I shouldn't wonder if it was" 
 
 What these ominous words portended, I could 
 not venture to surmise; but my astonishment 
 and dismay were not exceedingly small, when I 
 saw my brother's man Hutton enter the room, 
 and, proceeding to Miss Kitty, whisper something 
 in her ear, and beheld her, after giving Cuth- 
 bert a pat on the arm, jump up from her chair, 
 and run out of the room, followed by Jane, to 
 whom she made a signal, into the hall, where, 
 in a few moments, the noise of the laughing and 
 giggling of girls and women, and the barking of 
 dogs resounded. 
 
 In the midst of my amazement — in Ireland it 
 would have been alarm — at the invasion of my 
 house at so unusual an hour, in bounced Miss 
 Kitty, who, running to Cuthbert, exclaimed 
 with a look of triumphant sauciness, " It is her." 
 
 " Where is she ?" said Cuthbert. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. ' 93 
 
 " Gone up with Jane into our room to take off 
 her things," said Kitty ; and, turning to my wife, 
 who looked petrified at the performance in pro- 
 gress, added, " it's only Mrs. Brandyball, dear." 
 
 Dear ! to my wife ! — only Mrs. Brandyball ! 
 
 " Why," said I, " she cannot have got our 
 letter." 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert, " but I can explain that. 
 Kitty had said she was sure you would be glad 
 to see her on her way back — and so — I hadn't 
 time to mention — this — before, but " 
 
 " It makes no difference," said I, " Harriet, 
 dear, hadn't you better just see " 
 
 " Oh no !" said Miss Falwasser, interrupting ; 
 " don't hurry, because dear governess has got 
 something to tell me all to myself, and I'll go 
 up and keep her company till you go into the 
 drawing-room." Saying which, and seeming 
 perfectly satisfied that her proposal for the 
 arrangement was in fact a fiat^ she proceeded 
 unchecked by anybody to fulfil her intentions. 
 
 " This is quite a surprise," said Harriet, 
 looking, d& I thought, a little ruffled by the 
 
94 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 event — '*did you know Mrs. Brandyball was 
 coming to-day, cousin ?" 
 
 " Why," said Cuthbert, " I don't exactly 
 recollect what dear Kate said about it — I know- 
 she told me that when she heard from Mrs. Bran- 
 dyball, she. seemed to wish to know whether her 
 coming here would be agreeable to you — and 
 then, as far as I can recollect, Kate told me that 
 she wished you to send her an invitation, as if 
 it originated with yourself — so that she might 
 not feel a difficulty in accepting the one she had 
 given her; however, as she is come, all the 
 trouble of writing to her to ask her might have 
 been saved. Tommy, dear, pick up my tooth- 
 pick — eh — ah." 
 
 " I did not know," said I ; for I confess the 
 tact of Miss Falwasser in her manoeuvrings was 
 any thing but soothing — " I did not know that 
 Kitty had heard from the lady." 
 
 " Yes," said Cuthbert, " one day last week, 
 I think." 
 
 " 1 didn't see the letter amongst ours," said I. 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert, " Kate's maid always 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 95 
 
 goes down to the servants' hall when the letters 
 come, to see if there are any for her ; it saves 
 us the trouble of sending them up to her after 
 we get up — ah !" 
 
 All this sounded odd — there appeared a kind 
 of precocity in her measures which did not tend 
 in the slightest degree to exalt the opinion of 
 the young lady's character or disposition which 
 I had previously formed, and Cuthbert evidently 
 saw what was passing in my mind. 
 
 " You know," added he, " the children are 
 up long before we are — so that there is no reason 
 why Kate should wait to get any letter which 
 comes for her till we go to breakfast." 
 
 " None in the least," said I : " only I was 
 not prepared to hear that so young a lady main- 
 tained an independent correspondence." 
 
 " Yes," said Cuthbert, " her poor dear mother 
 was always an advocate of freedom from re- 
 straint; and, besides, if the poor child were 
 obliged to write those difficult pattern answers 
 she would be tired to death — indeed, she can't 
 bear any thing of the sort, but when she writes 
 
96 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 of herself, if she does not spell every word 
 exactly right, still she speaks her own sentiments 
 and opinions. I am a great friend to leaving 
 the mind all free." 
 
 " Well, Fanny," said Harriet, rousing her 
 sister from a whispering tete-a-Ute with her 
 odious lieutenant, ''when you are at leisure, 
 perhaps Mamma would like to go to the 
 drawing-room." 
 
 ^"Law, Harry!" said Fanny, blushing, "I 
 am sure /'m ready to go whenever she pleases." 
 
 And up they got and away they went. I 
 took Harriet's vacated seat and arranged the 
 bottles. 
 
 " Sad accident has happened," said Merman, 
 " to a brother officer of mine, Jukes, of ours. 
 He was riding in the Park the day before yester- 
 day, his horse ran away with him, and threw 
 him, and he has broken his leg and two or three 
 of his ribs. It would be deuced hard if he were 
 to die, for he only purchased his company a 
 fortnight since." 
 
 "That's sad work," said Cuthbert; "just 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 97 
 
 give me a little claret, Gilbert — there — thanks. 
 — By the way, I don't know if I ever told you of 
 a most formidable-looking accident that happened 
 to me a vast many years ago, when my poor 
 father and I were travelling in a postchaise down 
 Shooter's Hill, just where the place built like 
 Severndroog is " 
 
 " Bush, Pappy," said Tom, who had watched 
 Cuthbert with considerable anxiety thus far, "you 
 ave told hus that story hevery day this olidays. 
 You should ear sister Kate tell it, just for all the 
 world like you " 
 
 " Doe§ she, my boy ?" said Cuthbert; " how 
 odd that is ! Her poor dear mother had a strong 
 turn for imitation. I didn't remember I had ever 
 told Lieutenant Merman that story, — but wasn't 
 it a miraculous escape? — we must have been 
 dashed to pieces, if the horses had not stopped 
 of themselves." 
 
 Lieutenant Merman, who evinced, by a look 
 at me, his perfect intimacy with the catastrophe, 
 then occupied at least three-quarters of an hour 
 in relating a case of great hardship, in which 
 
 VOL. I. F 
 
98 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 it appeared that a Captain Dobbington had lodged 
 his money for the majority of his regiment, and 
 that Captain Winnowmore had been appointed — 
 and that Lieutenant-colonel Somebody had died 
 — and that the commander of the forces had done 
 Dobbington a great injustice, and so had the ad- 
 jutant-general, and the quarter-master-general — 
 and so had the secretary at war, and the pay- 
 master of the forces, afid the judge-advocate- 
 general, and the general commanding the 
 regiment, and, as far as I could collect, the Arch- 
 bishop of Canterbury. However, Mr. Grub and 
 Mr. Snob, two staunch redressors-general of all 
 human wrongs, were to bring the case before 
 the House of Commons the very first week of 
 the next session, it being one of such importance, 
 that the eyes of the whole army were directed to 
 it, and the feelings of the whole nation in a con- 
 sequent state of ebullition. 
 
 I listened ; and at the conclusion of the details 
 said I had not heard any thing of it through the 
 public papers ; and when I turned to Cuthbert, 
 I found he was fast asleep, with his snuff-box 
 
GURNEY MARRIED* 99 
 
 Still in his hand, but reversed, as the heralds 
 would say, and the snufF " absent without leave," 
 as the Lieutenant would have said, on the carpet. 
 Not liking to rouse him from the soft slumber 
 in which he was, like another Chrononhotontholo- 
 gos, " unfatiguing himself," I pushed the wine 
 again to Merman, who thinking, I suppose, that 
 my doing so was an encouraging hint to resume 
 his lamentations, continued to enlarge upon the 
 infamous job which had been done, until the slum- 
 berer awoke. 
 
 In my mind there does not exist in the world 
 a more anomalous character than a Radical officer 
 of the army or the navy. — Pledged as they are 
 to defend the king and country against all foes, 
 foreign and domestic, and always eager to redeem 
 that pledge 
 
 " E'en in the cannon's mouth," 
 
 nothing can seem more extraordinary — I should 
 say, perhaps, more disgusting — than to hear 
 these members of the noble services to which 
 they belong giving utterance to sentiments, the 
 expression of which by any man not belonging to 
 f2 
 
100 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 either, would at once stamp him for a disloyal 
 and disaffected subject. It is always to me a 
 convincing proof of great weakness or great 
 wickedness. If they believe that the radical 
 reform, of which they speak so enthusiastically, 
 means any thing short of eventual revolution, the 
 former is their misfortune. If with their eyes 
 open to the ulterior results, they advocate the 
 course which leads to them, and laud the men 
 who uphold it, the latter is their crime ; and in 
 either case respect for themselves and society 
 should keep them silent ; for, as they are bound 
 to fight for the existing order of things, and in 
 the case of any outbreak, would in doing their 
 duty be compelled to oppose and overthrow it, 
 thei own previous proclamations, that what they 
 did was contrary to their opinions and principles, 
 would add but little to their reputation for sin- 
 cerity, or their character for independence. 
 
 Merman's long tale having been quite un- 
 folded, and Cuthbert awakened to the loss of 
 his snuff, I suggested a removal to the draw- 
 ing-room, anxious, I admit, to see the Minerva 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 101 
 
 under whose fostering auspices two such pro- 
 mising girls as my pseudo-nieces were fast com- 
 ing to maturity. 
 
 Cuthbert did not appear to evince any parti- 
 cular desire to greet the lady, which led me to 
 think that his anxiety to show her civility 
 had originated entirely in his devotion to his 
 daughter-in-law. However, having got Lieute- 
 nant Merman to ring the bell for Hutton to come 
 and fetch his snuff-box to be refilled, and then to 
 wheel him across the hall to the edge of his couch 
 in the drawing-room, we proceeded to an inspec- 
 tion of the all-accomplished Mrs. Brandyball. 
 
 I found her sealed on one of the sofas between 
 her young pupils. She was a plumpish dressy 
 woman, of about fifty-four or five, with a florid 
 countenance, and coal-black hair, which, upon 
 the established principle of meum and tuum, was 
 unquestionably her own ; above which she wore 
 a capacious white bonnet, decorated with flowers, 
 which would have made Lee and Kennedy jealous, 
 and have driven Colville mad ; chains and rings 
 adorned her neck and fingers, and although en 
 f3 
 
102 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 deshabille for travelling, she was quite as fine as 
 need be. 
 
 Upon Cuthbert's arrival, the two girls leaped 
 from the musnud, and while Mrs. Brandyball 
 tired him to death with the most affectionate in- 
 quiries after his health, Kate stood kissing his fore- 
 head and Jane holding one of his hands. x\fter this 
 ceremony had been gone through, Cuthbert look- 
 ing anxiously after me, pointed to the lady, and 
 said, in a subdued tone of voice, " Gilbert, allow 
 me to introduce Mrs. Brandyball." 
 
 I made the aimable with the best grace I could, 
 and expressed myself extremely glad to see her 
 at Ashmead, — hoped she had had some refresh- 
 ment, and suggested that we should have some 
 supper early, since she had missed our dinner- 
 hour by her late arrival. 
 
 " Thank you, Mr. Gurney," said my fair 
 friend, in a tone of voice suitable to a girl of 
 sixteen performing on the stage, " for your deli- 
 cate attention ; but I would not for worlds dis- 
 arrange the economy of your establishment, nor 
 is it in any degree necessary ; for owing to the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 103 
 
 amiable solicitude of these dear children, I have 
 been supplied with every necessary refreshment 
 since my arrival in your charming mansion." 
 
 " Have you ?" said I ; " I am very glad to 
 hear it." 
 
 " Yes," continued the lady ; " dear Katharine, 
 anxious to evince a regard, which is truly reci- 
 procal, desired the domestics to arrange a little 
 repast in her own apartment, and I found 
 abundance of every thing to gratify the appetite, 
 elegantly disposed for my accommodation — in- 
 teresting creatures ! It is most satisfactory to a 
 solicitous preceptress to discover in acts of kind- 
 ness and consideration like these, the delightful 
 evidence of affection, resulting perhaps in the 
 present instance from a strict adherence to the 
 principle, that where kindness governs in the 
 place of anger, the pupil always receives instruc- 
 tion with gratitude." 
 
 This euphonic oration startled me, not only by 
 
 its manner but its matter. The woman appeared 
 
 to me to have swallowed half a score of her own 
 
 copy-books, the examples in which she was now 
 
 f4 
 
104 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 delivering out of her lips : but this being merely 
 ridiculous, I thought I might be amused by her 
 absurdity. What really did startle me was the 
 coolness with which the interesting Katharine 
 had given her orders for preparing a snug din- 
 ner for her high-flying schoolmistress in /ler room, 
 without inquiring of me or Harriet whether she 
 might do so or not. Nor was this all, for under 
 Hutton's directions, my butler, it seems, had 
 furnished forth wines " of sorts" for the banquet, 
 of which — I speak it with diffidence and reserve 
 — it appeared to me that my fair friend had im- 
 bibed no very inconsiderable quantity. 
 
 " I have been just expressing to Mrs. Gur- 
 ney," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the sentiments of 
 admiration which I entertain for the beauties of 
 this vicinage ; it was so late when I arrived, that 
 the shades of evening had thrown their mantle 
 over the beauties of Nature ; it was, however, 
 impossible not to perceive by the outlines of the 
 surrounding scenery how very beautiful it .must 
 be in a more genial season of the year." 
 
 " I think," said I, " you flatter us too much ; 
 
GURNEY MARRIED, 105 
 
 the country about us is very pretty, but " 
 
 " Oh," said the lady, smiling her best, " my 
 opinion is, that courtesy should ever be accom- 
 panied with candour; and although « to err is 
 human, to forgive divine,' as far as I am ca- 
 pable of forming a judgment upon such sub- 
 jects, I think the drive from the coast hither- 
 wards is quite charming." 
 
 "I hope," said I, "that we shall improve 
 your favourable impression during your stay." 
 
 " I have explained to Mrs. Gurney," said 
 Mrs. Brandyball, " the cause of my somewhat 
 premature appearance here. I really entertain 
 so sincere a regard — I might almost denominate 
 it a maternal affection — for these two dear 
 creatures, that I ventured in some measure to 
 overstep the ordinary regulations of society by 
 accepting my dear Katharine's invitation ; but, 
 as I say, affectation is at best but a deformity, 
 and conciliatory manners command esteem — so 
 that when the dear girl wrote to beg me to come, 
 I came without reflecting how much perhaps I 
 ventured to intrude." 
 
 F 5 
 
106 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I bowed — though it was evident that Kitty, 
 in the course of the second dinner in what this 
 eloquent lady called her apartment, had ex- 
 plained to her the whole of the manoeuvre which 
 had failed, with regard to the invitation which 
 was to have been sent to her. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Gurney," continued the lady, " * a 
 good education is the foundation of happiness, 
 and ignorance is the parent of many injuries,' 
 and this I say, because a good maxim is never 
 out of season. Now I have had these dear crea- 
 tures under my care five years, nay, more — the 
 course of Time is so rapid, and I may say so im- 
 perceptible, in fact like the varied movements of 
 the vast universe, that one is unconscious of its 
 flight — EUid I declare that I never have had the 
 smallest reason to find fault with either of them 
 — as I say, perfect idleness is perfect weariness, 
 and of all prodigality that of time is the worst. 
 Defer not till to-morrow what you can do to- 
 day; indeed I find lazy folks take the most 
 pains — but I do assure you that my two young 
 charges appear to me to possess a felicitous 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 107 
 
 mixture of talent and genius, with a desire to 
 improve their natural advantages by a sedulous 
 devotion to the more abstruse studies." 
 
 Studies, thought I — of quadrupeds running 
 about upon the ceiling, with a great many legs 
 — or of geography, sailing into an Asiatic Medi- 
 terranean through Behring's Straits- however, 
 
 I saw what my florid, black-haired lady was, 
 in a moment, and felt not the slightest indis- 
 position to amuse myself with the animal rou^e 
 et noir. Besides, as Cuthbert and the people 
 he called his children were to be pleased by any 
 attention paid to our newly-arrived guest, I 
 resolved to put a good face on the matter, 
 convinced that the fine language of my new 
 friend was only plating, and that after a day 
 or two we should scrape our way to the real 
 material. 
 
 I was somewhat relieved from the overflow of 
 
 Mrs. Brandyball's loquacity by Harriet, who, I 
 
 suppose, saw that I had had enough of it, — to use 
 
 a phrase which the euphonic lady never would 
 
 F 6 
 
108 GtJRNEY MARRIED. 
 
 have adopted, — and who came to remind me that 
 Ciithbert was looking whistfully for his whist — 
 the hint was enough ; and I began to make up 
 his little party by inquiring if Mrs. Brandyball 
 would like to cut in. 
 
 " Noj my dear Sir," said the fascinating 
 Hedgehog; " I invariably decline card-playing. 
 Malice never wants a mark to shoot at; and, 
 although regarding the subject with an unpre- 
 judiced eye, I see really no moral interdiction 
 to such a relaxation, I think it better not to gra- 
 tify myself by an amusement which the rigid 
 might censure ; I feel it is always right to 
 comply with cheerfulness where necessity en- 
 joins; so, as every condition has its troubles, 
 I give up upon principle what might, in the esti- 
 mation of the liberal portion of mankind, be consi- 
 dered little else than a relief from mental labour." 
 
 The effort she made to decline the whist was as 
 palpable as that which an ill-bred child makes to 
 say, " No, I thank you," when asked to eat or 
 drink something which he or she particularly 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 109 
 
 wishes for, but has been taught by some vulgar 
 person to refuse as a matter of delicacy. 
 
 Mrs. Wells and I played against Cuthbert and 
 Harriet ; Merman of course " sat out" with 
 Fanny; and Mrs. Brandyball enjoyed herself 
 amazingly with the two girls, who sat on either 
 side of her, soaking their hands in hers. 
 
 This was dull work for the new arrival, I 
 presume; but, luckily for all parties, Sniggs 
 dropped in to look at Tom's wounds, which were 
 very parliamentarily divided between the eyes 
 and nose. When he came half stepping half 
 bounding into the room, the vivacious Brandy- 
 ball seem quite astounded. I heard Kitty put 
 her to rights in a moment. " The apothecarry," 
 said Kate; and immediately Brandyball drew 
 herself up, and looked hatchets and carving- 
 knives at him. 
 
 " Been to see Master Tom," said Sniggs, 
 who had visited the lout in his room, to which 
 he had been conveyed under the orders of his 
 sister, who had no desire to be bored with his 
 society after the arrival of her governess, although 
 
110 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 she would have so much missed his company at 
 dinner. " All going on well — slight discolour- 
 ation — gone by to-morrow — pulse good — tongue 
 clean — every thing as it should be — shocking 
 affair, Mr. Gurney — ^have you heard ? — Hawkins, 
 the butterman, has bolted — off to America — al- 
 ways suspicious — martyr to hepatitis — wife pretty 
 woman — attended her in four of her confine- 
 ments — fine family — troubled a little with rheu- 
 matism — sitting in the parlour with her back to 
 the key-hole — has cheated every body — poor 
 Sims at the Crown is a great loser — bad for him 
 — short neck — determination of blood to the 
 head last Easter — twenty leeches to his temples 
 — brought him round, but no accounting for 
 sudden shocks." 
 
 "You have ruffed, or roughed (for I don^t 
 know how it is to be spelt) my thirteenth," said 
 Cuthbert to Harriet, who was his partner. The 
 word ruff, or rough, as the case may be, being, 
 as I have discovered, synonymous with trump. 
 As for Harriet, she hated whist, pretty much, 
 perhaps, for the same re£ison that I do, — because 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. Ill 
 
 I do not understand it ; — nor would I take the 
 trouble, if I thought I could succeed in the 
 pursuit to its attainment, or devote my time 
 and intellect to a game which no man ought 
 ever to play, except for amusement, because 
 when learned to the best of one's ability, it 
 necessarily involves the fate and fortune, if it be 
 played for money, of a partner. 
 
 Harriet was quite shocked at the earnestness 
 with which Cuthbert charged her with this high 
 crime and misdemeanour, nor did either she or 
 her mother feel particularly pleased when Cuth- 
 bert added, " Well, I should think, considering 
 your father is a parson, he might have taught 
 you better." This observation set Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball into a loud fit of laughing, and put me into 
 something very like a rage ; but then it was my 
 brother who made the remark, and he was lively, 
 and facetious, and therefore better than usual ; 
 and so I shuffled and sorted my cards, and tried 
 to think of the principle of the game which I was 
 playing, but in which most assuredly I took no 
 interest. 
 
112 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I had hoped, when my brother had exerted him- 
 self sufficiently to scold my poor little wife about 
 the unfortunate mistake, that there would have 
 been an end. But no ; when the hand was out, 
 Cuthbert, with a gravity far beyond that which 
 the importance of the affair seemed to require, 
 said — " Harriet, dear, see what that mistake of 
 yours has done; if in the second round of clubs, 
 you had played your nine instead of your seven, 
 Gilbert's eight would have fallen ; and then, 
 when you saw me lead the knave of diamonds 
 through your mother's king, your putting a 
 trump on it was madness ; besides, when you had 
 the lead, if you had returned me the spade, which 
 I had shown you in the very first round was my 
 strong suit, we should have got three tricks run- 
 ning, and then I could have returned you the 
 heart, which must have made two more, because 
 you had ace, king, which, as it was, fell to their 
 trumps." 
 
 Harriet listened to the lecture patiently, but 
 profited little. I listened, but not patiently. 
 Poor Cuthbert was perfectly serious, and really 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 113 
 
 out of sorts ; he was worth a hundred and fifty- 
 thousand pounds, and we were playing sixpenny 
 points. 
 
 Harriet got tired, — perhaps the scolding did not 
 do her good, — but she was rapidly approaching 
 the period of her confinement, and I saw that she 
 turned pale, and gave me more than one look of 
 exhaustion and weariness ; but it would have been 
 treason to deprive Cuthbert of his prescribed 
 three rubbers, so she played on, and Cuthbert 
 was so keen a player for nothings that he would 
 not allow Harriet and me to play together. 
 
 '' No," said he, " never, never let man and 
 wife play together at whist. It is too much 
 trouble for me to point out all the things they 
 do ; but, my dear Gilbert, there are always family 
 telegraphs, and if they fancy their looks are 
 watched, they communicate by words. My good 
 fellow," continued he, looking as white as a sheet, 
 and wholly exhausted by the exertion, " at Bun- 
 galapumbungabad, up the country, where I was 
 carried in my palkee to get somebody to look at 
 some indigo which I wanted to buy, I met with 
 
114 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 a Mr. Smigsma^ and his wife, — nice woman, 
 upon my word, — I did not cultivate their ac- 
 quaintance much, because he lived more than 
 half a mile from my bungalow, and I was merely 
 a visiter, — but I dined with him once or twice, 
 and we played whist ; and his wife and he always 
 played together ; — oh, dear ! Kitty, give me the 
 eau de Cologne, dear, — isn't she grown, Mrs. 
 Brandyball, eh? — and so — I found out that I 
 never could win against Smigsmag and his wife, 
 — he was a Burrah Saab — a resident — excellent 
 man in his way, — and so — one night I mentioned 
 this to my friend who played with me, and who, 
 being an expectant creature, was obliged to make 
 up their table when asked~I, you know, had 
 nothing to do with John Company, and didn't 
 care a cowrie for all Leadenhall-street put to- 
 gether, — and he said (in confidence of course) to 
 me — ' You never can win of them.' ' Why? ' said 
 I. ' Because,' said he, 'they have established a 
 code.' ' Dear me ! ' said I ; ' what, signals by 
 looks ? ' * No,' said he ; * by words. If Mrs. 
 Smigsmag is to lead, Smigsmag says, " Dear, be- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 115 
 
 gin." Dear begins with D, so does diamond, and 
 out comes a diamond from the lady. If he has to 
 lead, and she says " S., my love, play," she wants 
 a spade. Smigsmag and spade begin with the same 
 letter, and, sure enough, down comes a spade. 
 " Harriet, my dear," says Smigsmag, " how long 
 you are sorting your cards." Mrs. Smigsmag 
 stumps down a heart : and a gentle " Come, my 
 love," on either side, infallibly produces a club.' I 
 can't stand these family compacts, Gilbert." 
 
 I was delighted to find Cuthbert equal to so 
 much exertion as was required in telling this 
 story, which produced an observation from Sniggs 
 that whatever the Smigsmags gained by tricks 
 they could not make much by their honours. At 
 which Galenic effusion Mrs. Brandyball fell into 
 a fit of laughter, and little Jane, who did not 
 understand in the slightest degree what it meant, 
 shook her flaxen curls like a newly washed poodle. 
 
 " I am sorry," said Harriet to Cuthbert, " that 
 you have so bad an opinion of us ; I never should 
 have thought of such a scheme." 
 
 " But," said Sniggs, " like the ostler and the 
 
116 GURNEY MARRIED, 
 
 priest, now you have been told how the matter 
 may be managed, perhaps you will avail your- 
 selves of the information." 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert, " I don't suspect them. 
 As for myself, I could not take the trouble to 
 recollect what letter the names of the different 
 suits begin with." 
 
 " Shall I," said Mrs. Brandyball, " relieve you 
 from the exertion of arranging your cards ? Allow 
 me : many hands make light work. Every con- 
 dition has its troubles ; without a friend, the world 
 is a wilderness !" 
 
 Saying which, the officious lady sorted Cuth- 
 bert's hand for him, and resumed her place at 
 his side, Katharine sitting on his left ; and in this 
 fashion we went through the prescribed rubbers, 
 just before the conclusion of which the servants 
 prepared a "tray" in the ante-room, which Sniggs 
 invariably called " an excellent trait in our cha- 
 racter ;" and round which, I must confess, our 
 little party has frequently enjoyed more soci- 
 able mirth than it has partaken of during the 
 whole of the day. Sniggs eyed the arrangements 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 117 
 
 with evident satisfaction, and Mrs. Brandyball 
 turned her head, almost instinctively, to the 
 quarter in which the rattling of glasses an- 
 nounced the approach of some agreeable liquid. 
 Merman and Fanny needed neither eatables nor 
 drinkables ; they were living upon themselves, in 
 a distant corner of the room, feeling immeasur- 
 ably happy, and looking inconceivably ridicu- 
 lous. 
 
 When the last rubber was ended, much to my 
 relief, not more on my own account than of poor 
 dear Harriet, Cuthbert desired Jane to ring the 
 bell for Hutton, who was wanted to wheel him 
 into his room, in order that his hands and face 
 mio^ht be washed with rose-water — an ablution 
 which he seemed to consider indispensably neces- 
 sary at that period of the evening. 
 
 Having broken up from our play, I found 
 Kate and Jane still remaining fixtures for supper. 
 However, as it was the night of Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball's arrival — and her arrival at all was matter 
 of compliment to their indulgent father-in-law — 
 there was nothing in that^ only they had not 
 
 10 
 
118 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 been in the habit of staying up to supper. Cuth- 
 bert, having been washed, and refreshed, was 
 wheeled back ; and we closed round the table, I, 
 with our new guest on my right hand, and my 
 mother-in-law on my left. 
 
 Sniggs sat on Harriet's right, Cuthbert on her 
 left, with Kitty, of course, on his right. 1 had 
 often heard Sniggs talk of the unwholesomeness 
 of suppers ; and as often seen him eat voraciously 
 of them, as, indeed, many men who have at 
 other times small appetites, will. Dr. Franklin 
 was one of Sniggs's favourite authors in the way 
 of reference : and as I thought that nothing 
 could be better than bringing the printer to bear 
 upon the 'pothecary, I went to my library for 
 five minutes before Cuthbert's return, and " read 
 up," for an attack upon our Galen, if he should 
 begin his customary depredations upon our eat- 
 ables. There he was, sure enough, " Prigging 
 away," as we used to say in my horrid school- 
 days, at cold fowl, salmagundi, roasted oysters, 
 and finishing with a piquante bit of devilled 
 turkey. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 119 
 
 " Well, Doctor," said I (for a brevet degree 
 in a country-place like Blissfold is all fair), " I 
 see you do not exactly practise as you preach." 
 
 " None of us do," said Sniggs. " When I 
 was in town last, I dined with three physicians 
 of the starving school, and two surgeons sworn 
 to the Abernethian doctrine. I never saw five 
 men eat or drink so much in the whole course of 
 my life ; and, Mr. Gurney," added my Lampedo, 
 " go where you will, watch the faculty, and you 
 will find them the greatest gormandizers in the 
 empire." 
 
 " Yes," said I, " at dinner, perhaps, but not 
 at supper ; recollect what your idol Franklin 
 says :" and then I came out with my quotation. 
 " « In general, mankind, since the improvement 
 of cookery, eat about twice as much as nature 
 requires. Suppers are not bad, if we have not 
 dined ; but restless nights naturally follow hearty 
 suppers after full dinners. Indeed, as there is a 
 diiFerence in constitutions, some rest well after 
 these meals ; it costs them only a frightful dream 
 and an apoplexy, after which they sleep till 
 
1*20 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 doomsday. Nothing is more common in the 
 newspapers than instances of people who, after 
 eating a hearty supper, are found dead a-bed in 
 the morning.' " 
 
 " Correctly quoted by you. Sir," said Sniggs ; 
 " and aptly observed by the Doctor ; but sup- 
 pose, now, I was to tell you that I have had no 
 dinner — fact. — Three hours at Mrs. Humble- 
 man's — case of asthma — bad breathing — great 
 distress — husband wouldn't let me leave her. 
 He himself dyspeptic, with a slight disposition 
 to erysipelas. Mrs. Sniggs did not wait for me 
 — I away to Stephenson the watchmaker's little 
 girl — second — nice child — scarlatina —fancied 
 measles — I with her — cup of black tea, weak, 
 and with dry toast, all I had — here to look at 
 Master Falwasser's dear little nose. What 
 could I do ? so I only make up the former defi- 
 ciency of diet." 
 
 " It must," said Mrs. Brandyball, " be exceed- 
 ingly excitatory to witness the various afflictions 
 of the different domestic circles into which you 
 are professionally invoked. Experience is the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 1*21 
 
 mother of science ; and prevention is better than 
 cure. However, the longest day must have an 
 end ; and you must experience a most gratifying 
 sensation when you return to repose, to think 
 that, perhaps, under Providence, you have 
 been the means of restoring a dear child to a 
 fond parent — for even the crow thinks its own 
 bird the fairest ; and greatness of mind is ever 
 compassionate." 
 
 Sniggs, who was not particularly sentimental, 
 and thought more of his pills and his bills than 
 of any other thing in the world, looked at our 
 new friend with an expression of countenance 
 which I thought rather equivocal, the character 
 of which was changed into the broad comic when 
 he perceived her sip somewhat largely from a 
 tumbler, into which she had previously poured 
 some particularly strong brandy, v^hich, it must 
 be admitted, took her by surprise. 
 
 Harriet looked at me, and I looked at her ; 
 and we both laughed. I am sure I have no 
 notion why. However, as we had laughed, I 
 thought it was quite absolutely necessary to atone 
 
 VOL. I. G 
 
12*2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 for the indiscretion by an extra show of atten- 
 tion ; and therefore begged to recommend to her 
 particular notice a cup which the servant had just 
 brought in and put down ; and in which there 
 was something which I thought she would prefer, 
 since it was evident she was a judge. 
 
 The mixture which 1 advocated, was a peculiar 
 sort of punch, really not strong, but rich and 
 agreeable ; and which even Cuthbert, if anybody 
 would take the trouble to pour it out for him, 
 would not object to imbibe. 
 
 " Thank you Mr. Gurney," said the lady, " it 
 is never too late to learn ; and although I seldom 
 indulge in such combinations, your kindness is 
 such that I find it quite impossible to resist your 
 delicate attentions. I will have one glass." 
 
 The tumbler was returned, the lady sipped ; 
 and smiled, and smiled and sipped again : her 
 eyes approved, even before her tongue had 
 spoken. 
 
 « I fear," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the delight- 
 ful weather which we have been enjoying during 
 the last few days is drawing to a close. The 
 
GUllNEY MARRIED. 123 
 
 moon's envelopment in that silvery mist augurs 
 an approaching change, and threatens an acces- 
 sion of cadent humidity." 
 
 " Isn't that mist," said Kitty, " what the as- 
 trologers call a hayloft ?" 
 
 This was fatal. Cuthbert, who was in a nap, 
 with Kate's arm round his neck, heard it not. 
 Merman was leaning his head on his hand, with 
 his nose within three inches of Fanny's mouth, 
 and heeded it not ; but the eyes of Mrs. Wells, 
 Harriet, Sniggs and myself met. What to do 
 was the doubt of a moment : the struggle was 
 ineffectual, and we burst into a fit of loud 
 laughter. Mrs. Brandyball stared. Merman and 
 Fanny were flurried, Kate tittered, and Cuth- 
 bert awoke. 
 
 g2 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 It seemed useless to attempt anything like a 
 restoration of order or tranquillity after this ex- 
 plosion about the astrologer and the hay-loft, and 
 equally impossible to explain to Cuthbert, when 
 he was awakened into consciousness, what had 
 actually occurred ; and accordingly Harriet, with 
 an expressive look at jne, rose from the table, 
 not exactly as if wishing anybody else to follow 
 her example, but at the same time fully expect- 
 ing that her move would produce an adjourn- 
 ment — nor was she wrong ; for our fair visitor, 
 not exactly knowing the rules and regulations of 
 the family, which were rather lax in the parti- 
 cular of " early to bed and early to rise," imme- 
 diately quitted her seat — having, however, first 
 
GURNEY MARRIED, 125 
 
 finished her last tumbler of what in common 
 parlance was remarkably strong punch. Kitty, 
 who clung about her with what appeared to me 
 a parasitical affectation of affection, said to her in 
 a tone ill suited, as I thought, to her time of life 
 and position in society — 
 
 " Oh, don't go, dear, yet — have another glass. 
 Tm sure it will do you good." 
 
 " No, dearest," said Mrs. Brandy ball, with 
 one of her angelic smiles ; " I always attend to 
 the dictates of prudence. The draught is nec- 
 tareous, but time wears on, and dear Mrs. Gur- 
 ney is already fatigued." 
 
 " Yes, but," said Kitty, " you know you 
 always have three or four glasses at home." 
 
 " Never mind, dear love," said Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball, looking furious, endeavouring to free her- 
 self from the girPs embrace, and evidently 
 wishing her — where — it might not be quite 
 decorous here to mention. 
 
 The ladies retired; Mrs. Wells had gone 
 home some time before, Wells having sent the 
 carriage for her from the rectory after it had set 
 g3 
 
126 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 him down : which violation of his promise to 
 join lis after the early dinner-party broke up, I, 
 perhaps uncharitably, attributed to a want of the 
 forbearance which Mrs. Brandyball had recently 
 exhibited. The adieux of the children and Cuth- 
 bert occupied nearly a quarter of an hour, and 
 during their- progress Kate enumerated all the 
 places which she would lionise in the morning 
 with her dear governess ; and having liberally 
 detailed the programme of the performance, com- 
 pletely upset me by telling her visitor that it 
 would take at least a week to see all the things 
 worth seeing in the neighbourhood. 
 
 I must do Mrs. Brandyball the justice to say 
 that she endeavoured, or seemed to endeavour, 
 to moderate the energy of her fair pupil ; and 
 by mingling with her smiles, approving of the 
 proposition, sundry deferential looks towards 
 Harriet, who stood " pageing her heels" while 
 the animated Miss Falwasser enlarged upon the 
 loveliness of the coast, and the beauty of the 
 drives, contrived to convey very evidently her 
 feeling that the whole of the young lady's 
 
Gl^RNEY MARRIED. 127 
 
 arrangements were subject to the control and 
 permission of the lady of the house. 
 
 " Very nice amiable woman," said Cuthbert, 
 after the party had left the room ; " so natural 
 — eh — so unaflfected." 
 
 Sniggs and I exchanged looks. 
 
 " What remarkably fine hair she has," said 
 Sniggs somewhat theatrically, sipping his third 
 glass of punch. 
 
 Cuthbert did not see the point of Galen's 
 observation, which conveyed to my mind and 
 that of Merman (who waited to walk home with 
 the apothecary) all he meant it should, as re- 
 garded what the Lakers would call the " uni- 
 versality of her naturalness." In fact, my poor 
 brother was of so easy a disposition, and so much 
 readier to admit than dispute, that it never once 
 entered his head that the ringlets which wan- 
 toned over Mrs. BrandybalFs forehead were 
 other than indigenous; and as neither Sniggs 
 nor myself felt at all desirous to mar the serenity 
 with which he seemed inclined to view all the 
 schoolmistress's perfections, or fatigue him with 
 g4 
 
128 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 a discussion upon the peculiar merits of the 
 " soft illusion" with which she contrived to set 
 off her somewhat matured charms, we allowed 
 him to continue in his state of credulous bless- 
 edness, from which it would have been down- 
 right barbarity to disturb him. 
 
 " Will any one tell me what o'clock it is ?" 
 said Cuthbert. " It is almost time for bed — 
 dear, dear — what a deal of trouble one takes in 
 getting up and going to sleep — it is always the 
 same thing over and over again — -just do me the 
 kindness to ring the bell — thank you— that— ah 
 — is not that my pocket-handkerchief on the 
 floor ? — yes, thank you — oh, Hutton, are you 
 there ? — well — ah — it's only to wheel me to my 
 room. Good night, good night, Sniggs — no 
 fear about Tom's eye — eh ?" 
 
 " None in the least. Sir," said Sniggs. 
 
 " Have you thought any more of what 1 got 
 Hutton to write to you about ?" said Cuthbert. 
 «' Kitty's ancle-bone — I forgot to talk to you 
 about it — you'll be here to-morrow — come soon, 
 and if you have time we'll have one game of 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 129 
 
 chess before luncheon. Good night, Gilbert — 
 good night, Mr. — psha — dear — Mr. Merman." 
 
 And away was he wheeled — having again 
 invited Sniggs to chess and, par consequence^ to 
 luncheon. Well ! I cannot help it ; I suppose 
 it must be so. 
 
 " Come Sniggs," said I, " let us finish the 
 
 jug." 
 
 " What !" said Sniggs, " you are in the jugu- 
 lar vein to-night, Sir." 
 
 I laughed, and should have laughed more if 
 Sniggs had not made the same wretched pun a 
 hundred times before. Merman did not see 
 any joke in it, but talked of ringing for his 
 great-coat, inasmuch as it was desperately cold 
 in the hall, and he had a cough, and Fanny 
 desired him to take care of himself. I rang the 
 bell, and the coat and cloak were brought, and 
 my guests packed up for departure. I shook 
 hands with both ; as Merman was leaving the 
 room he turned suddenly back and said, 
 
 " Do you expect me at dinner to-morrow ?" 
 
 Now I ask the best tactician in the world 
 g5 
 
130 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 what answer I could give to such a question but 
 that which I did ? 
 
 " Too happy to see you." 
 
 That I was sincere in saying so, I cannot 
 assert, and yet the invitation, or rather the ad- 
 mission, to my house was sincerely offered. I 
 have already said I disliked Merman; but those 
 who were loved by those whom / loved, were 
 fond of him and enjoyed his society : so that 
 although, as directly relating to Merman and 
 myself, that which I said was not true — still, as 
 affecting the pleasure and amusement of others 
 upon whom my regards were reflected from her 
 who was all the world to me, I conscientiously 
 said that I should be happy to see him. " For 
 their sakes" was the mental reservation. How- 
 ever, as he was to come, and I could not hope 
 to enjoy my much-desired domestic meal while 
 Mrs. Brandyball stayed, I resolved upon having 
 Wells of the party, and accordingly begged 
 Merman, who would in all probability see him 
 before I should in the morning, to ask him to 
 join us ; still, I admit wondering to myself how 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 131 
 
 the reverend gentleman came to permit the 
 affair between Fanny and the Lieutenant to 
 linger on so long without coming to a decision. 
 My case had been settled in a fifth part of the 
 time, although I had never — at least I do not 
 think I ever had — made any such manifestations of 
 devotion to Harriet as the Lieutenant has been 
 exhibiting during the last four or five months. 
 
 This circumstance brought to my mind the 
 often-repeated axiom of my reverend friend 
 with regard to early marriages, even without 
 the actual possession of fortune, and the singular 
 concatenation of circumstances by which, in my 
 own case, his anticipations, couleur de rose, had 
 been realized ; and that again brought to my 
 recollection a most ungenerous and ungracious 
 comparison on my part between the actual state 
 of my present circumstances, and the probabilities 
 of what would have occurred if I had missed my 
 brother on the day of his return, or if, by any 
 unforeseen circumstances, he had lost the fortune 
 he possessed ; in which case Harriet and I should 
 have been living upon a much more moderate 
 g6 
 
132 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 scale than we now are, — I, in some way, labouring 
 to increase my income, and perhaps doing some- 
 thing to obtain a reputation, as well as profit. To 
 have contented myself under such circumstances 
 would have been wise and philosophical ; and 
 there was nothing wrong or uncourteous in insti- 
 tuting such a comparison ; the ungraciousness 
 and the ungenerousness of the process applied 
 only to the conclusion at which I arrived, that, 
 although I might have kept two servants instead 
 of seven or eight, my wife would have had no 
 carriage ; and my table would have been less 
 amply covered ; that my house would have been 
 small, instead of large ; and that I should have 
 toiled, instead of trifled; I should have been 
 independent. I could have sat down quietly 
 with my nice, kind, good-humoured Harriet, have 
 enjoyed that ingenuous interchange of thoughts 
 and opinions, which is the charm of domestic 
 life, and if I had had beyond enough, a little 
 to spare, I might at least have chosen the friend 
 who should be our guest. 
 
 Now this is all wrong. It makes me think 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 133 
 
 I have a bad heart; that I am ungrateful to 
 Cuthbert. No, I am not ; but with all his 
 kindness to me, with all my affection for him, I 
 am not happy, — I am not at my ease. Then — it 
 sounds most unfraternal to think of it — he said 
 he should go to Cheltenham long before dear 
 Harriet's accouchement; and 1 begged him not 
 to leave us. I suppose that may be the reason 
 why he seems to have abandoned the intention 
 altogether; and now I am sorry he does not mean 
 to go : we should be quieter during her illness ; 
 but still I ought not to wish him to leave Ash- 
 mead, if he is happier where he is ; what I really 
 do think, is, that he would be more amused at 
 Cheltenham than he can possibly be with us; 
 especially during the period of her confinement. 
 The Nubleys are gone to town to-day ; he is 
 reduced to Sniggs; Wells is too vivacious for 
 him; his mind cannot travel fast enough to catch 
 Wells's jokes and anecdotes. However, if he 
 is comfortable, why, we owe him everything ; 
 and, pah ! — I will not worry myself with thinking 
 about it. I will bear all the little rubs I meet 
 
134 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 with, patiently and properly, and keep my tem- 
 per ; or, perhaps, as my temper seems to be at 
 present by no means good, change it as soon as 
 possible. 
 
 How is it possible, with the strongest possible 
 fraternal feelings, to maintain this equanimity ? 
 
 When I went to bed — yes, there it is — to 
 bed — Harriet, who had not been particularly 
 comfortable during the evening, and, poor dear 
 soul, felt Cuthbert's rebuke about the whist, and 
 Kitty's pre-eminence in everything more deeply 
 than, perhaps, was necessary, told me that she 
 proposed, after breakfast, next day, to drive 
 over with Fanny in the pony phaeton to call on 
 a Mrs. Somerton, a great friend of the Wells's, 
 who had come on a visit at Hallowden, within 
 about five miles of us. Harriet had always a 
 persuasive way with her, and, dear love, it re- 
 quired very little effort on my part to make the 
 arrangement, that she should drive Fanny, or 
 Fanny, her, to this place. All that I appre- 
 hended was, that she might over-exert herself. 
 However, she laughed kindly at my solicitude, 
 10 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 135 
 
 and said that, not only she was sure the drive 
 would do her good, but that she was most 
 anxious to show whatever civility she might to this 
 Mrs. Somerton, because, — what, I did not want 
 to hear — it was something connected with her 
 family, and why should I argue further? And 
 so, before taking my last turn round to sleep, I 
 told her, poor dear, to order her phaeton when 
 she chose, and to invite Mrs. Somerton to come 
 to us, if she liked ; and so I dropped into my 
 slumber, quite satisfied that that matter was 
 finally arranged. 
 
 At breakfast Cuthbert did not appear; he 
 had got a pain in his side ; and Hutton had 
 told him he had better not get up, and so he 
 desired Hutton, when Mr. Sniggs came, to send 
 him to his room. Harriet received Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball with all her wonted good nature ; and Mrs. 
 Brandyball was more elegant and refined than 
 ever. Kitty had breakfasted, so had Jane, but 
 still they were supporters to their governess's 
 arms, and were, as usual, on her dexter and sinister 
 side. Tom was proscribed, much to my delight ; 
 
336 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Kitty having denounced him as not presentable 
 with a piece of plaister on his face, cut diagonally, 
 and stuck over his mouth, like a hatchment over 
 a window. 
 
 Mrs. Brandyball seemed to enjoy her break- 
 fast ; she ate eggs, broiled ham, and gibier au 
 gratin, tasted of absent Cuthbert's curry, admired 
 the way in which the rice was served dry, ven- 
 tured upon one rognon, extremely well served, 
 (although without Champagne,) and concluded 
 her matitunal meal with the upper half of a 
 peculiar sort of buttered cake, for which my 
 cook was really famous, not only in the modern 
 fal-lal acceptation of the word, in which good 
 wine, of which nobody ever heard, is called 
 famous, or a well-sized room, or a well-formed 
 horse, is designated by the same adjective; 
 but because she (for it was a she) was really 
 famous in the neighbourhood for her excellence 
 in contriving a delusive, delicious, and destruc- 
 tive compound of something that seemed light 
 and melting in the mouth, but which was in 
 fact of the heaviest and most indigestible order ; 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 137 
 
 and which, when well saturated with butter, was 
 at once one of the most agreeable and most 
 dreadful things ever invented, always excepting 
 a before-mentioned Shrapnell shell or a Con- 
 greve rocket. 
 
 I looked at my bonny Brandyball as she fed, as 
 I had been wont to look, as a boy, at Garnerin's 
 balloons, when the method of filling them was 
 much more tedious and expensive than it after- 
 wards became ; and my feeling — save and ex- 
 cept that the materiel was my own — was not 
 very dissimilar from that which I had upon 
 those occasions experienced; for, although the 
 process went on with what appeared to me most 
 admirable success, I could perceive no visible 
 effect, nor the slightest disposition on her part to 
 rise, although we had all long concluded our 
 operations in the way of feeding. 
 
 Everything, however, must have an end, and 
 so at length had our breakfast; and then came 
 the awkward dawdling time in which people 
 huddle about the fire, or go into corners to write 
 letters, or begin to make plans for the day's 
 
138 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 amusement, and I betook myself to my library, 
 where, even in the present state of domestic 
 disarrangement, I had still a shelter and retreat, 
 which, however, I might not have so securely 
 retained, if I had not adopted the precaution of 
 keeping the door closed, not only when I was 
 out of the room, but when I was in it, by means 
 of what Sniggs facetiously called my " Lock 
 upon the Human Understanding," the key of 
 which never left my pocket. 
 
 This sounds illiberal and churlish ; but I love 
 books dearly. I venerate them; and it pains 
 my heart, and grieves my sight, to see them ill- 
 treated. If the Miss Falwassers and their 
 brother had free access to my library, a week 
 would not elapse before every volume which had 
 '^pictures^^ in it, would be lugged out of its place, 
 rumpled, strained backwards, thumbed, and tum- 
 bled ; my portfolios would be emptied ; and if 
 their contents were replaced, their edges would 
 be cut with the strings destined for their pre- 
 servation, — for as to reading, the boy, I believe, 
 cannot compass the performance, and the girls 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 139 
 
 would inevitably take but one line, and reject- 
 ing as dull and nonsensical all the sterling works 
 in our language, whence they might derive in- 
 struction and improvement, mount my fairy 
 ladder, to reach from the top shelves, to whicli 
 they have been banished, the plays and novels 
 which have come into my possession, either as 
 presentation copies from their authors, or as 
 alloy to some valuable lot which I have bought 
 at an auction. 
 
 It is quite true that, in the ardent desire for 
 money-making at the time of our equivocal 
 success in South America, a certain great Lon- 
 don speculator, who shall be nameless, was, in 
 his ignorance of the customs and climate of that 
 part of the world, induced to send out thither a 
 large investment of skates and warming-pans, 
 which, considering all things, was not likely to 
 turn out profitably. His supracargo, however, 
 managed to make his money for him, although 
 the first appearance of the speculation was 
 beyond measure melancholy. 
 
 " Warming-pans !" exclaimed one of the in- 
 
140 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 habitants ; " skates !" cried another. What ab- 
 surdity ! — what folly ! — what madness !— and the 
 little children patted the pans and danced to the 
 music, and the women rubbed the sharp edges 
 of the skates, and laughed at the English mode 
 of making shoes with sharp soles. 
 
 At length, however, things grew better, — 
 pans and skates looked up. Amongst the visitors 
 to the store came one day a monk, who was, like 
 Tom Thumb's cow, — 
 
 " Larger than the largest size." 
 
 His keen eye twinkled as he looked at one of 
 the warming-pans, — he opened it, — ran his 
 finger round the bottom of it, — chuckled with 
 delight at some inward conceit, — bought it, and 
 had it sent to his convent. 
 
 The next day brought several more of the 
 priesthood to buy warming-pans, and the cir- 
 cumstance induced the supracargo to inquire of 
 one of their Reverences what had so suddenly 
 brought an implement so apparently useless into 
 fashion. " You will sell them all," said the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 141 
 
 Padre; "they are the very things we wanted. 
 We have everything in the world good to eat 
 here, but no good things to cook with. Father 
 Francis has started the notion that these will 
 make excellent stew-pans, — he secured the first 
 for himself ; — the notion has spread, and if you 
 had five hundred pans you would sell them all." 
 Now, a supracargo of moderate intellect would 
 have rejoiced mightily in so fortunate a disposal 
 of half his principal's absurd commodity, and 
 have put up with the loss of the skates, for 
 which no possible use could be found. Our 
 supracargo was not of that sort. His name was 
 Mackenzie ; and the moment the friars and 
 stewers had confided their secret to him, he 
 immediately drew up, and, in reply to the in- 
 creasing demand for the article now in such re- 
 quest, stated as a condition absolutely inevitable, 
 that every man, woman, or child, who bought 
 one warming-pan should buy two pairs of skates, 
 — two warming-pans, four pairs of skates, and so 
 on ad infinitum. The result was obvious ; the 
 warming-pans had become sine-qua-nons, and the 
 skates were therefore purchased, because without 
 
142 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 them the pans could not have been procured : by 
 which ruse Mr. Mackenzie disposed of the whole 
 investment, and to this moment the kitchens of 
 Rio de Janeiro are stored with the warming - 
 pans, and the museums of their masters deco- 
 rated with the skates. 
 
 So in an auction, the Mackenzies of the trade 
 are sure to assort the lots in a similar manner. 
 Trash and absurdity are cunningly blended with 
 worth and merit ; and if you want to buy a 
 warming-pan work fit for a library, you are 
 forced to take with it some four or five pairs 
 of skates in the shape of so many volumes of 
 unserviceable trash. 
 
 Out of this refuse matter Miss Falwasser 
 would have been sure to select works for her 
 edification ; and besides all my tender solicitude 
 for my library, I felt so much for myself as to 
 conclude that it would be less offensive to keep 
 the room always locked than it would be to lock 
 it when I was in it myself; and to have been 
 subjected to an inroad there would have been 
 unbearable. 
 
 From my place of refuge I did not emerge 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. l43 
 
 until luncheon was announced, at which I pre- 
 sented myself, and found, as I did not expect 
 (for I had forgotten the arrangement), Sniggs 
 and Cuthbert apparently asleep over the chess- 
 board, the only sign of life or liveliness betrayed 
 by either of them being a very subdued noise 
 made by Cuthbert in the way of whistling his 
 one only tune, which was the air of a song in, or 
 rather out of a farce called " My Grandmother ;" 
 the burden of which is composed of these words — 
 
 " 'Tis a favour, Sir, I must deny, oh fie !" 
 
 More of the song I never heard, nor do I know 
 what might have been the favour denied by the 
 lady who sings, nor why she should exclaim 
 " Oh fie !" All I do know is, that this one line, 
 either whistled or sung, but almost always whis- 
 tled, in the softest possible tone, was Cuthbert's 
 universal practice at all times when he had occa- 
 sion to do what he called think. 
 
 Cuthberfs performance of this one sweet 
 strain, always reminded me of the performance 
 of an old blind man who, a few years since, was 
 in the habit of perambulating the streets in the 
 
144 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 neighbourhood of Grosvenor-square, who was 
 fully persuaded himself, and probably hoped to 
 persuade other people, that he was playing upon 
 the bagpipes; he went through all the mo- 
 tions of blowing the bellows under his arm, and 
 even aiding the essential flatulency of his instru- 
 ment by blowing into an auxiliary tube with 
 his mouth, while his fingers performed all the 
 necessary movements upon the keys ; but sound 
 made he none. Hence a nobleman, whose 
 eminent talents and delightful manners have 
 endeared him to all who know him, and to 
 no one more justly than to myself, has given 
 him the sobriquet of the " Confidential Bag- 
 piper." Cuthbert's whistle was equally private 
 and confidential ; it would have fatigued him too 
 much to make it audible. 
 
 " Good morning Sir," said Sniggs : " fine day 
 — healthy invigorating weather." 
 
 " Ah, Gilbert," said Cuthbert, " how d'ye do, 
 my dear fellow ? Well, I don't see how that 
 queen is to be got out of check. Tom is quite 
 well, Gilbert, — so Sniggs says." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 145 
 
 " Quite," said Sniggs ; " not a mark of a 
 bruise to be seen.'* 
 
 " Poor fellow !" said Cuthbert, and then a 
 little whistle. " I'll finish this game after 
 luncheon." 
 
 " Where's Mrs. Brandyball ?" said I. 
 
 " Oh," said Cuthbert, " she is gone with Kate 
 and Jane to the Rectory. I told them they 
 would get some luncheon there, and, as the day 
 was so fine, I thought they might show their 
 governess the park, and so come round by Hans- 
 ford, and look at the view from Fellsbury Hill. 
 I recollect the day you got me there, I was quite 
 delighted with the prospect." 
 
 " But," said I, " they will be tired to death : 
 why, my dear Cuthbert, the route you have 
 given them is little less than nine miles." 
 
 " Well, my dear fellow," said Cuthbert, 
 « what's that— nothing ?" 
 
 " I think," said I, " if you had to walk nine 
 miles, you would consider it something, Cuth- 
 bert." 
 
 " Ay," said my brother, " to walk, I grant 
 
 VOL. I. H 
 
146 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 you. I should as soon think of walking to Jeru- 
 salem, as Parson Whalley did in my father^s time ; 
 but, for horses — and horses that have not too 
 much work at any time — it is only wholesome 
 exercise." 
 
 " Horses !" said I ; " what horses have they 
 got?" 
 
 " They have got the phaeton," said Cuthbert. 
 " I told Hutton to tell the coachman to get it 
 ready for them; and Kate drives, you know, 
 remarkably well, — and the ponies are so quiet, 
 — and she is so fond of driving, — not that I 
 should let her drive horses that were not perfectly 
 quiet. I'm sure since that day when I and my 
 father were coming along the road by Shooter's 
 Hill, where that place like Severndroog is 
 built " 
 
 " Yes," said I, interrupting somewhat more 
 sharply than was my wont, seeing that I was 
 both vexed and angry : " but, my dear Cuth- 
 bert, Harriet wanted the phaeton to go call on a 
 Mrs. Somebody at Hallowden, — a remarkably 
 pretty drive, — in which she meant to invite Mrs. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 147 
 
 Brandyball to accompany her; — she made a 
 point of going to-day, and I concluded had 
 ordered the carriage." 
 
 " No, Sir," said Hutton, who was wheeling 
 his master to the luncheon- table, " the carriage 
 was not ordered when my master sent me to see 
 about it. Mrs. Gurney sent down since, but 
 then the young ladies were gone." 
 
 I could not trust myself with any remark, so I 
 took the prudent course of leaving the room, 
 and going in search of Harriet, whom I found in 
 her boudoir, looking exactly as cheerful and im- 
 concerned as if no liberty had been taken with 
 her rights and privileges, and she had not been 
 disappointed in her drive, and frustrated in her 
 civil intentions towards both Mrs. Somerton and 
 our volunteer guest. 
 
 " It was my fault, dear," said Harriet ; " I 
 forgot to order the phaeton after breakfast, 
 and " 
 
 " That may be, Harry," said I ; " but what 
 I complain of is, that anybody here should for- 
 get to ask your leave before they ordered it." 
 h2 
 
148 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Oh, never mind," said Harriet. " The day- 
 is not so fine as it was, and perhaps it will rain, 
 and perhaps I might have caught cold ; besides, 
 the girls are so very fond of their schoolmistress, 
 and it amuses her, and I can go another day." 
 
 " You are a dear, kind, good soul, Harriet," 
 said I ; " but you must not, and shall not, be 
 overlooked and degraded in your own house. 
 The carriage and horses are yours, and " 
 
 " So they are, love," said Harriet ; " but it 
 was cousin Cuthbert who gave them to me. 
 Recollect that^ dear Gilbert ; recollect how much 
 we owe him." 
 
 " I do, Harriet dear," said I ; " and, as far as 
 I can judge, it is not likely that I shall very soon 
 be permitted to forget it. However, a gift, to 
 be valuable, or even receivable, must be com- 
 plete ; and the moment he presented you with 
 that carriage, all his interest in, and control over 
 it, ceased and determined." 
 
 " My dear Gilbert," said Harriet, " what you 
 are now saying must be something you learned 
 in the Temple, when they were going to make 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 149 
 
 a lawyer of you. Never let us cherisli an un- 
 kindly thought towards kind Cuthbert. I believe 
 sometimes Kitty's pertness and Tom's rudeness 
 flurry me a little. I feel angry and vexed at 
 times, — angry that I am vexed, and vexed that I 
 am angry. But all this is temporary; a few 
 more days, and quiet will be restored." 
 
 " Where is Fanny ?" said I. 
 
 " Why, Fanny is gone home,'* said Harriet. 
 " Papa has sent for her ; but he brings her back 
 to dinner. I don't exactly know, but I rather 
 think her visit to the Rectory has something to 
 do with the affair of your friend Lieutenant Mer- 
 man. I don't know, because papa's note merely 
 begs her to come home ; but I cannot understand 
 what else could have required her presence." 
 
 " I think," said I, " it is quite time some- 
 thing should be done decisively in that busi- 
 ness. I admit that I never liked him since " 
 
 " I remember the moment right well," said 
 
 Harriet : " it was when I was foolish and Missy 
 
 enough to try and make you jealous of him, — 
 
 wasn't that the time ? and isn't that the cause of 
 
 H 3 
 
150 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 your disinclination from him ? I know it is. 
 But you have forgiven Twe." 
 
 " Yes, dear, yes," said I. " Forgiven you ? 
 — to be sure I have, and forgotten the whole 
 affair," — which, in truth, I had not, nor any one 
 incident that ever occurred during my uncon- 
 scious courtship of my darling wife. 
 
 It is curious how the minutest circumstances 
 are registered in the mind, with which the 
 object of our affections is in any degree con- 
 nected. I remember, as well as if it were but 
 yesterday, while walking with Harriet and her 
 father, and her little sister, in their gay and 
 blooming garden, I gathered a beautiful half- 
 budded rose. I placed it in the button-hole of 
 my coat, and walked on, talking as we had been 
 talking before ; nor was it till my eyes rested for 
 a moment on those of Harriet, that I felt a con- 
 viction of my selfishness, and a consciousness 
 that she had expected I was gathering it for her^ 
 and that she had been disappointed when I 
 appropriated it to myself. Now, absurd as it 
 may seem, although I never have so far betrayed 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 151 
 
 my weakness as to mention this trifling circum- 
 stance to her, I never, to this moment, think of 
 it without regret and discontent. 
 
 " Come to luncheon, dear," said I. " Cuth- 
 bert is there, and I left him somewhat abruptly ; 
 for I was vexed." 
 
 " Gilbert, dearest," said Harriet, leaning on 
 my arm, and looking in my face with an ingenu- 
 ousness neither to be affected nor mistaken, 
 " never, never be vexed about anything in which 
 I am concerned. Believe me, I am too happy 
 to make your happiness; and as for all this 
 matter, what does it signify whether I went 
 to-day to make my visit, or go to-morrow? 
 Promise me, dear love, to let nothing of this 
 sort put you the least out of the way." 
 
 Could I help kissing her white forehead, and 
 pressing her to my heart? I think I should 
 have gone the length of kissing her rosy lips too, 
 had not her maid come into the room at the mo- 
 ment, to say that Mr. Cuthbert had sent up word 
 by Hutton that he and Mr. Sniggs were waiting 
 H 4 
 
152 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 for US. There it was again ! — not even master 
 of five minutes. Mr. Sniggs, indeed ! 
 
 " Come, then, dear," said I to Harriet; and 
 down stairs we went : and there we found the late 
 antagonists making common cause in a servile 
 war upon some grilled and minced fowl, Cuth- 
 bert having, under medical advice, fallen to, 
 lest he should lose the appetite which the smell 
 of the diablerie of my ingenious cook had excited. 
 The sight of luncheon immediately brought to 
 my mind the peculiar awkwardness of Mrs. 
 Brandyball's appearance at the Rectory, with 
 her two sparkling satellites, on a morning which, 
 from what Harriet had told me, seemed to be 
 " big with the fate of Merman and of Fan." 
 
 While I was helping dear Harriet to " the 
 least bit of cold chicken in the world," the 
 servant brought me a note. I opened and read 
 it. Its contents were, to me, convincing, that I 
 had not mistaken my Lieutenant. I threw it 
 across the table to Harriet, who ran her eyes 
 over it, and returned it, saying only, " Well," 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 153 
 
 which I myself have a habit of saying upon 
 many occasions when it would not be well to 
 say anything more. The contents of the note 
 were these lines : — 
 
 " Dear Sir, — I regret that a compulsory 
 visit to London this afternoon will prevent my 
 having the pleasure of dining with you to-day, 
 as I had proposed. 
 
 Yours, very truly, 
 
 « J. Merman." 
 
 " That's odd, Harry," said I, as I jerked off 
 the wing of the chicken. 
 
 " Yes," said Harriet, " very odd indeed, con- 
 sidering." 
 
 " I am not sorry," said I, cutting her the 
 thinnest imaginable slice of ham, " even if it be 
 as I suppose from this" 
 
 " I am," replied my wife, " for her sake." 
 
 " It is for her sake," answered I, " that I am 
 not." 
 
 " Is that an invitation ?" said Cuthbert. 
 
 " No," said I ; "on the contrary, a refusal of 
 
 H 5 
 
154 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Oh !" continued he ; " because I hear that 
 some lady — -I did hear her name, but, ah dear, 
 I forget — is going to give a juvenile fancy ball, 
 and I was going to ask if you knew her — 
 Hutton can't tell me — because I think my little 
 girls would — ah, would like to go, if they were 
 invited?" 
 
 " There is to be a thing of the sort," said 
 Sniggs, " at Mrs. Trigley's, I believe. Tall 
 woman, in a green bonnet— sits opposite the 
 churchwardens — amiable person — subject to jaun- 
 dice — had a slight touch of epilepsy about four 
 years since — nice house for the purpose — bad 
 aspect — dampish — I take it — rather troubled with 
 sciatica." 
 
 " And when is this to be ?" said I. 
 
 " I think in about a fortnight," said Sniggs. 
 
 " We don't know her," said Harriet. 
 
 " I think," said Cuthbert, " Bessy Wells told 
 Kate that the Wells's know her ; and so I said, 
 if she could manage it, she and Jane might go ; 
 and Kate was saying something of having a 
 little thing of the sort here. I believe Mr. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 155 
 
 Kittington, the dancing-master, put it into her 
 head first ; — of course these people are anxious 
 to show off their pupils to the best advantage." 
 
 I could not stand this, so I made no reply ; 
 but only said " Well" again, as Harriet had said 
 before, and drank a glass of wine. 
 
 I saw Harriet looked worried and vexed at 
 Merman's note, which it was clear to me she 
 considered the avant courier of some unpleasant 
 family news. She was evidently engrossed with 
 her own thoughts, and left us as soon as she 
 possibly could. 
 
 There is something like prescience, something 
 intuitively quick about women when matters 
 connected with these affaires de cceur come under 
 their notice. It might, to be sure, have been, 
 in this instance, that Fanny had made her sister 
 to a certain degree her confidante. What struck 
 me was, that my reverend father-in-law had been 
 drawing matters to a conclusion with the Lieu- 
 tenant, but having chosen the morning rather 
 than the evening for the conference, the result 
 had not been quite so successful as that of 
 H 6 
 
156 GURNEY MARRIED, 
 
 our winding-up conversation upon a probably 
 similar topic. 
 
 Fanny returned to Ashmead between four and 
 five o'clock, and hurried unseen to Harriet's 
 sanctum, and when I saw my poor little wife 
 again I saw she had been crying. She begged 
 me to excuse her to Mrs. Brandyball for her 
 absence from dinner, on the plea of indisposition 
 . — the fact being, that she and Fanny intended 
 to devote the rest of the day to talk over the 
 important events of the morning. 
 
 Mrs. Brandyball returned alone in the car- 
 riage — the independent Kate having accepted 
 for herself and her sister an invitation from Bessy 
 Wells to stay at the Rectory and pass the even- 
 ing, which could be perfectly well managed, and 
 without any inconvenience, inasmuch as they 
 could come home in the carriage which would 
 be sent to fetch the Rector, who was to dine 
 with us. 
 
 Our fair guest was profuse in her expressions 
 of admiration of the neighbourhood, of the 
 Rectory, of the Wells's, of my horses, of my 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 157 
 
 phaeton, of Kitty's driving, and, in short, of 
 everything in any way connected with us ; for 
 it struck me that her great object was to 
 " butter" Cuthbert, to whom she looked up as 
 a patron at least; nor was I without some 
 slight suspicion that in her disinterested remarks 
 about his visit to the neighbourhood of her semi- 
 nary, she even carried her intentions the whole 
 length of succeeding to the maternal control of 
 the young ladies by a nearer and dearer claim 
 than that of their governess. 
 
 " Have you sent for Sniggs T* said Cuthbert 
 to me. 
 
 « No— why?" asked I. 
 
 " I thought," said my brother — " I may be 
 mistaken — but I thought you said Harriet was 
 unwell. Wouldn't it be better — eh — to — don't 
 you think " 
 
 " Oh no," replied I ; " her illness is not of a 
 serious character. I rather think she and her 
 sister have something to talk over." 
 
 " We saw Miss Fanny at the Rectory," said 
 Mrs. Brandyball, " and Mr. Merman was there. 
 
158 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I asked him if he were to be of our domestic 
 circle here to-day; but he replied with an 
 unusual degree of abruptness, that he was en- 
 gaged elsewhere. Vanity makes men ridiculous 
 — pride, odious. I know the Lieutenant is a 
 great favourite here; but his manner to-day 
 was not so gracious as it is ordinarily wont 
 to be." 
 
 " He has written to me," said I, " to tell me 
 he has been obliged to go to London." 
 
 " Ah, poor man, I pity him," said the lady ; 
 " the city for wealth, the country for health ; and 
 whatever allurements the society of the metro- 
 polis may display to the youthful mind, the calm 
 repose of the umbrageous grove, overhanging 
 the limpid stream, has in it a charm for delicate 
 minds which is not to be found in busier 
 scenes." 
 
 " You are quite right, Ma'am," said Cuth- 
 bert ; " what can be more delightful ? I often 
 get Hutton to wheel me down to the edge of our 
 little river here, and make him throw bits of 
 bread into the water, and there I sit sometimes 
 8 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 159 
 
 by the hour together, watching the fish come and 
 eat it. I used to fish myself; but a rod is such 
 a heavy thing to hold, so I get Button some- 
 times to stand by me and fish for me ; but he 
 seldom catches anything, which is perhaps all for 
 the best ; for the hook we know must hurt the 
 fish ; besides which, it is so much trouble to take 
 it oflF, if one does catch one, and put a fresh bait 
 on, that what is called good sport flurries me — 
 and as for crowds — oh, dear ! dear ! — nobody 
 can like a crowd except a pickpocket." 
 
 " How imaginative your brother's mind is !" 
 said Mrs. Brandyball to me, looking quite 
 seraphic. " I really believe that those who have 
 resided in oriental climes catch, as it were, that 
 inspiration which seems to imbue the poetry of 
 those regions." 
 
 I made a sort of assenting noise ; but quite 
 aware of my inferiority, and looking upon Mrs. 
 6. as a sort of petticoated Sir William Jones, 
 did not venture to offer the slightest remark 
 upon the authors to whom she alluded, and 
 
160 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 with whom she was of course intimately ac- 
 quainted. 
 
 It seemed clear to me, however, that as the 
 Lieutenant had bolted, and my two ladies in- 
 tended dining by themselves, and Cuthbert's two 
 ladies had betaken themselves to the Rectory, 
 that Cuthbert, Wells, and I should have the 
 pleasure of Mrs. Brandyball's company all to 
 ourselves, the which I did not very much dislike, 
 inasmuch as Wells was just the man to draw her 
 out, and thus afford me an opportunity of judg- 
 ing of her intellectual qualities, so that I might 
 at some subsequent period discuss with Cuthbert 
 the propriety or inpropriety of keeping the girls 
 at her school. 
 
 We parted to dress, and I of course visited 
 my darling Harriet. As I suspected, the Lieu- 
 tenant had behaved shabbily. Wells's sober 
 arguments with respect to Fanny and his attach- 
 ment had failed. The Reverend general — the 
 church-militant — had been defeated. Merman 
 had, if not money, expectations, and a maiden 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 161 
 
 aunt, which maiden aunt had, it seems, some 
 twenty thousand pounds, the bulk of which was 
 to become the property of her nephew, provided 
 he married a Miss Malony, who was her protegee. 
 There were several very extraordinary rumours 
 about the cause of the interest which this young 
 person created in old Miss Merman's heart — none 
 of which 1 shall set down, because the characters of 
 cardinals and old maids are sacred, and nobody 
 ought to say one word about them ; however, it 
 was altogether a mystery, into which it appeared 
 the Lieutenant had only been recently admitted 
 by the elder lady of the two. 
 
 The scene up-stairs was not agreeable ; poor 
 Fanny was crying. I believe she really had, 
 under her Papa's sanction, worked herself into a 
 liking for the Lieutenant. I tried to like him 
 as a friend — as an acquaintance even — but I 
 never could achieve it, and I ventured to suggest 
 the drying up of her tears ; but women are such 
 kind, tender, affectionate creatures, that my ad- 
 vice was wasted. What she ever saw in the 
 man, I never could myself discover. However, 
 
162 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 he is gone. I am sorry for Fanny, but delighted 
 as far as I am myself concerned. 
 
 Wells has just arrived — I hear the rustling of 
 Mrs. BrandybalFs roundabout silk gown in the 
 gallery. So — in order to make myself particu- 
 larly acceptable — down I go once more to receive 
 my guests. 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 Our dinner progressed, as the Americans say, 
 most propitiously. Wells was in much better 
 spirits than I had expected to find him, con- 
 sidering the recent severe frustration of all his 
 well-laid schemes for Fanny's matrimonial pro- 
 motion. He did not in the slightest degree 
 allude to the circumstance, probably because my 
 own case had not entirely slipped his memory, 
 and because any recapitulation of the history of 
 the Lieutenant's wooing might have recalled to 
 my recollection some scenes of a similar cha- 
 racter to those which had been recently acted 
 at the Rectory, but which had not been produc- 
 tive of a similar result. 
 
164 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Mrs. Brandyball, whose whole aim and object 
 appeared to be the making everybody round her 
 pleased with themselves, as the readiest mode of 
 making everybody present pleased with her, 
 began her course of experiments in that way by 
 eulogizing, in her best set terms, the gallant 
 officer now absent, as one of the most interesting 
 of his sex. 
 
 "I protest," said she, "that I am not like 
 that particular genus of gallinaceous birds 
 whose tenderest sensibilities are awakened by 
 the appearance of sanguineously-coloured cloth, 
 but I cannot so entirely subdue the natural, and 
 I hope not altogether reprehensible sentiment 
 of gratitude which must unquestionably animate 
 every female heart towards our gallant protectors 
 in the time of peril." *^ 
 
 *' Ah," said Cuthbert, " yours is a very 
 amiable weakness in that respect. What soldiers 
 have to endure, — ah, those marchings and coun- 
 termarchings, — eh ?" 
 
 " But," continued Mrs. Brandyball, deter- 
 mined to win the Rector entirely, " I never 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 165 
 
 met with an individual so entirely exempt from 
 pretension or affectation as Lieutenant Merman. 
 He appears to me to be unexceptionable." 
 
 " Well," said the Reverend Divine, " there 
 must be tastes of all sorts ; for my part, I think 
 him as empty a coxcomb as ever stepped — " 
 
 Mrs. Brandyball stared with astonishment. 
 
 " And /," said I, " think him odious." 
 
 Her eyes opened still wider. 
 
 " Ah," said Cuthbert, " do you know I have 
 never taken the trouble to think whether I like 
 him or not." 
 
 The manner in which our fair visiter was 
 mystified was exceedingly amusing to us : it 
 was evident, not only that she felt wonderfully 
 disappointed by the way in which her eulo- 
 giums upon the Lieutenant had been received, 
 but that she set us down as two of the most 
 hardened hypocrites that ever existed. What 
 else could she think? — she had seen the man 
 living constantly with us, — evincing beyond a 
 shadow of doubt his devotion towards my sister- 
 in-law, and received by her with a corresponding 
 
166 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 frankness of approval. Wells was in no humour 
 to soften or qualify what he had said of him, 
 and I thought I had found out enough of Mrs. 
 Brandyball's character to be certain that when 
 she found that we completely threw him over, 
 she would let him lie in the mire without any 
 farther attempt at his exaltation. 
 
 Tom, who came in with the dessert, had been 
 upstairs with Harriet and her sister, and, by the 
 expression of his most expressive countenance, 
 I was dreadfully apprehensive that he had 
 picked enough out of their conversation to 
 understand that the Lieutenant had behaved 
 somehow ungenteelly, and had received his 
 congL The imp looked cunning, and as, be- 
 sides what he might have extracted from the 
 dialogue of the sisters, he was extremely fond 
 of collecting facetice from the servants' hall, it 
 seemed extremely likely that the real state of the 
 case had oozed out during the afternoon, and 
 that he might favour us with the domestic version 
 of the " soger officer's" inglorious retreat. 
 
 Cuthbert, whose consummate skill in the art 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 167 
 
 of child-spoiling I have now watched with more 
 attention than satisfaction, whenever the girls 
 were away, bestowed all his favours upon their 
 lout of a brother, and he had at this period 
 expressed a wish, which came like a gentle 
 command, that Tom should take, or seem to 
 take, a great interest in everything that was 
 going on. 
 
 " Whenever you don't understand anything 
 that is talked of, Tommy," said my brother, 
 " always ask me. It is by inquiring, everybody 
 learns. It will save you a great deal of trouble 
 in the end." And accordingly Tom felt bound 
 to be unceasingly inquisitive, always, however, 
 running poor Cuthbert eventually into a corner, 
 and thus irritating him as much as it was pos- 
 sible for him to be irritated by anything. This 
 questionable system of improvement of course 
 destroyed anything like rational or even con- 
 nected conversation during the presence of the 
 hopeful youth in the dining-room, and knowing 
 how tiresome his company would be to Harriet 
 
168 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 aiid Fanny, I had not the courage to send him 
 up to the boudoir, which, as his fair sisters were 
 out, was the only place which could be appro- 
 priated to his use. 
 
 "I know no more of him personally," said 
 Wells, speaking of some public man, " than I 
 do of the Pope of Rome." 
 
 " Who is the Pope of Rome, uncle ? " said 
 Tom. 
 
 " My dear boy," said Cuthbert, " he is elected 
 by the Cardinals." 
 
 " What's a cardinal, uncle ?" 
 
 "A cardinal, my love, is an ecclesiastical 
 prince, and a member of the sacred college." 
 
 « Yes," said Wells, " and the Roman Catho- 
 lics hold that, as the Pope represents Moses, so 
 the cardinals represent the seventy elders." 
 
 " They wear red hats," said Mrs. Brandyball. 
 
 " Why do they wear red hats ?" said Tom. 
 
 "For the same reason. Master Tommy," 
 said Wells, " that millers wear white ones." 
 
 "What's that?" said Tom. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 169 
 
 " To keep their heads warm," said Wells. 
 
 " How incalculably whimsical you are, Mr. 
 Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball. 
 
 " Did you never hear of any great man who 
 was called Pope, who never was a cardinal ?" said 
 Cuthbert, evidently determined to obtain some 
 share of Mrs. BrandybalPs favourable opinion. 
 
 " No," said Tom, 
 
 " Not Alexander Pope, the poet ?" said Cuth- 
 bert, leading him dexterously to an affirmative. 
 
 " No : who was he ?" said Tom. 
 
 " Why, Tommy," said Wells, bored to death 
 by the boy's pertinacity, " he was once called a 
 note of interrogation." 
 
 " What's a note of interrogation ?" said Tom. 
 
 " What he was told he was himself, a little 
 ugly thing that asks questions," said the Rec- 
 tor. 
 
 "Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball, 
 " that is too severe. To my mind Pope was 
 not much of a poet." 
 
 " To mine," said I, *' he appears the greatest 
 poet we ever had." 
 
 I 
 
170 GURNET MARRIED. 
 
 " Who is the best poet now, pappy," said Tom. 
 
 " Poet, my dear," said Cuthbert; " never mind, 
 — I don't know, — I'm sure, — there, now that 
 will do, don't make a noise, — eat your orange." 
 
 ^* I perfectly agree with you, Mr. Gurney," 
 said Mrs. Brandyball, " as to the utility of the 
 system of exciting the development of the men- 
 tal qualities by the institution of a principle of 
 inquiry which must, while its results add fresh 
 stores of information to the questioner, induce a 
 constant desire for new acquirements." 
 
 Wells and I exchanged looks, for although it 
 may seem most illiberal that we should encou- 
 rage any doubts or suspicions with regard to the 
 perfect ebriety of our fair guest, we could not 
 fail to remark that the long words in which 
 she dealt rather largely at this period, came 
 out rather indistinctly; however, Wells reple- 
 nished her glass with port wine, which she that 
 day drank, because she said " the cadent hu- 
 midity" (Anglice, some rain which had fallen 
 during the afternoon) " had imparted an agueish 
 character to the circumambient atmosphere." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 171 
 
 My position was an awkward one ; whenever 
 she evinced a disposition to retire, her desti- 
 nation would be the drawing-room, with no com- 
 panion save Tom, I therefore did not feel in the 
 slightest degree desirous of unsettling her ; nor 
 dare I venture to pay my poor wife a visit, lest the 
 movement should flurry our fair visitor. I knew 
 that in the present state of their minds her joining 
 Harriet and Fanny would be beyond description 
 disagreeable, so I aiFected to be exceedingly 
 snug and comfortable ; and Wells seconding my 
 efforts to keep the little party together, the lady 
 gradually warming by the generous influence of 
 what, in the earlier part of the day, she would 
 probably have called the " vinous juice," began 
 proportionably to relinquish all her fine words 
 and euphonic phrases, until at length her natural 
 candour led her not only to talk like other people, 
 but to give us some curious particulars of her 
 own " life, character, and behaviour," to which 
 I must say the Rector more ingeniously than 
 ingenuously led and encouraged her. 
 
 " Little pitchers have great ears," said Mrs. 
 I 2 
 
172 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Brandyball ; " Master Tom had better go to his 
 aunty, — as for my part, I can only say that in 
 France the ladies never leave the table until the 
 gentlemen go." 
 
 " Or rather," interrupted Wells, " the gen- 
 tlemen always go when the ladies leave the 
 table." 
 
 " It*s the same thing in the end," said Mrs. 
 Brandyball ; " now what I mean to say is this, 
 — Mrs. Gurney is unwell, and, I dare say, 
 would be better pleased with my room than my 
 company. Indeed, between you and me and 
 the post, I don't think I am overmuch of a 
 favourite with her at any time; and so — as I 
 feel agueish — although the port wine has done 
 me a great deal of good, I don't want to stir 
 from where I am till tea-time: we are very 
 snug where we are — only, to be sure, you may 
 have something to talk about — parish, as we 
 say, — in which case I'm off — a nod's as good as 
 a wink to a blind horse." 
 
 " But you are not a blind orse," said Tom, 
 looking at her with a perfect consciousness that 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 173 
 
 the expression of her countenance, and the 
 character of her conversation, had undergone a 
 very decided alteration. 
 
 « No, Master Tom," said the lady, « that's 
 very true." 
 
 " No," said Tom ; " no more than hi ham a 
 little pitcher ; hi'm hup to you, stoopid as you 
 may fancy me." 
 
 " Tommy, love," said Cuthbert, " don't speak 
 in that manner to Mrs. Brandy ball : what would 
 your sisters say if they heard you ?" 
 
 " Say !" said Tom ; " why, they'd laugh like 
 fun, specially Kitty ; she would tell me to go it 
 like winkin." 
 
 Here the lady telegraphed to me her desire 
 that Tom should be missing as soon as possible ; 
 and while she was occupied in this operation, 
 Wells again replenished her glass, having ascer- 
 tained that she had arrived at an amiable state 
 of oblivious mystification, in which, although 
 she gave some slight evidence of surprise at 
 finding her goblet, like the Panmure punch- 
 i3 
 
174 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 bowl, always full, she could not exactly recollect 
 having previously emptied it. 
 
 This tampering with her weakness, and minis- 
 tering to her failings, might have been, by the 
 more rigid, considered, what is colloquially 
 called, " taking an unfair advantage," and I 
 think even I, in my own house, or, what was 
 so called and considered in the neighbourhood, 
 should have interposed to prevent the proceed- 
 ing, had it not been that I felt I was doing 
 Cuthbert and his daughters-in-law an essential 
 service in contributing to rub off the plating, 
 of which I have before written, which he mistook 
 for precious metal, and by allowing his favourite 
 the full indulgence in what Kitty had more than 
 once hinted was, when she was at home, her 
 
 " Custom always of the afternoon," 
 
 permit her to exhibit herself in her natural 
 colours. I confess the signal success which had 
 crowned the early part of the process, and the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 175 
 
 suddenness with which the mask had been aban- 
 doned, rather induced me to sanction its con- 
 tinuance so long as the lady continued " nothing 
 loth;" and so long as no undue influence was 
 exercised over her to induce her to exceed her 
 usual limits. 
 
 I answered her signal, and was obliged after 
 all to desire Tom to go and get his tea with 
 Harriet and Fanny, although it was extremely 
 disagreeable to do what I knew would, to a cer- 
 tainty, make them particularly unhappy. 
 
 " I'm hofF," said Tom : " hi knows what's 
 what. She's a-going to let out some of her 
 rum stories, — and his afraid that I should ear 
 um." 
 
 " Tom, my boy, go when your uncle tells 
 you," said Cuthbert. 
 
 " Oh, nobody wants to stop," said Tom : " I 
 likes to go to Haunt Fan a precious sight better 
 than staying here." 
 
 And out he went, banging the door after him, 
 whistling as he crossed the hall, and forthwith 
 stumped up stairs, to torment the consulting sisters. 
 i4 
 
176 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " He's a nice boy," said Mrs. Brandyball, 
 " only, as I said, 
 
 * Children pick up words, as pigeons peas, 
 And utter them again as God shall please.' 
 
 And something might be said about somebody 
 that might as well go no further; as I say, 'pre- 
 vention is better than cure,* and I hate tattling." 
 
 " You are perfectly right," said Wells, with a 
 look of the profoundest respect, and in a manner 
 so horribly deferential, that I had nearly burst 
 into a fit of laughing, although I was in fact in 
 no very mirthful humour. 
 
 « Why, la, Mr. Wells," continued the lady, 
 who having freed herself from the restraint im- 
 posed by Tom's presence, went off at score; 
 " you must naturally think I know a good deal 
 of the world at my time of life ; and so having 
 seen what I have seen in it, my proverb is, * the 
 least said, sooner mended.' " 
 
 Yes, thought I, and I suspect your temporary 
 forgetfulness of so excellent a maxim at the pre- 
 sent moment is likely to produce some curious 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 177 
 
 results ; for I saw Cuthbert every now and then 
 elevate his eyebrows, in a manner for him most 
 actively expressive of astonishment at what he 
 heard. 
 
 « Why," said the lady, « now FU tell you ; 
 you know those two girls of yours are as fond 
 of me as if I was their own mother. That's mere 
 nature — all nature — every bit of it nature ; they 
 never knew their own mother, — then isn't it 
 natural they should love me? — I have always 
 been kind to them, and, as Mr. Gurney knows, 
 never said wrong was the thing they did, though 
 Kitty's as full of mischief as an egg's full of 
 meat : — well then — I — so — oh, what was I say- 
 ing — something " 
 
 " You were speaking of the natural affection 
 of children for their parents," said Wells, who 
 performed his part in this domestic farce with 
 the greatest gravity. 
 
 " So I was," said the lady ; " and — I had no 
 mother myself !" 
 
 " What ! never. Ma'am ?" said Wells, with a 
 look of the most serious astonishment. 
 I 5 
 
178 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball, 
 " what a man you are ! you do remind me so of 
 an uncle of mine at Bristol." 
 
 " Oh," said Wells, " then you had an uncle ?" 
 
 " Two," said the lady ; " and, as you asked, I 
 had a mother, but she died before I knew any- 
 thing about her, and that's a very bad thing for 
 a girl." 
 
 " It is indeed," said Cuthbert, 
 
 " Sighing like furnace." 
 
 " And so," continued she, " I was left a good 
 deal to myself; and that was, I think, the found- 
 ation of all my knowledge. I was what they 
 would call a self-taught genius. I never was 
 taught nothing on earth by nobody until after I 
 was married, and then poor Mr. B., who was 
 mighty particular, — he was a very old man when 
 I married him — at least I thought so then, — I 
 don't believe he was near so old as Mr. Gurney, 
 but he was a deal too old to marry me^ — so when 
 I came out with my P's and Q's — all wrong, you 
 know — he used to fidget, and look cross, — and 
 so then I had masters and mistresses, — and got 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 179 
 
 on uncommonly well, — and never having any 
 family — none of what the advertising servants 
 call incumbrances — I had plenty of time to de- 
 vote to myself, and so — as — I say — learning is a 
 treasure — I — then — poor Mr. B. died — he was 
 in a very extensive way of business — in the 
 timber trade — but somehow — I don't recollect 
 the particulars — when he died, it was found — I 
 never could understand why — that he had not 
 left me a farden — no, Mr. Wells, as Tm a living 
 woman, not the value of a brass farden — nothing 
 settled on me ; — and there I was — nobody to 
 help me — my uncle dead — and my father gone 
 abroad for life." 
 
 " What a dreadful position for a female," said 
 Cuthbert, who, in the tenderness of his heart, 
 and the intensity of his sympathy in our fair 
 friend's misfortunes, totally lost sight of the main 
 points of her history, so candidly — so unconsci- 
 ously narrated for our edification. 
 
 " And what did happen to you ?" said Wells. 
 
 " Oh," said Mrs. Brandyball, " nothing hap- 
 pened to me : I began to think what I had best 
 16 
 
180 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 do — and what was easiest to be done; and just 
 as I was quite at a nonplus, I happened to fall 
 in with a nice respectable lady who kept the 
 school I now keep." 
 
 " * Who wore that day the arms which now I wear ;' " 
 
 said I, involuntarily. 
 
 " No, not arms," said the lady — " school, — oh, 
 I remember — out of the play — Norval — ha ! ha ! 
 - — * On the Grampy Hills,' — that's a very mov- 
 ing play — it always makes me cry to think of 
 his poor dear mother." 
 
 " My dear Gilbert," said Wells, " you have 
 interrupted Mrs. Brandyball in her autobio- 
 graphy." 
 
 " Oh, there's not much to tell," said the lady ; 
 " only my new friend Mrs. Slinkin wanted an 
 assistant to teach French, Italian, music, geo- 
 graphy, and astronomy, and a few other little 
 matters, and so I engaged myself — her great 
 objection was to my name — which, she said, gave 
 a notion that I was — ha ! ha ! — the idea — ad- 
 dicted to the use of spirits — but, as I said, what's 
 
GURNET MARRIED. 181 
 
 in a name ? — there's Mr. Young, very old — Mrs. 
 White, very brown — Mr. Short, very tall — and 
 Mrs. Little, very big", — and why should not Mrs. 
 Brandyball be as sober as a judge * ? " 
 
 " Why not, indeed !" said Wells, once more 
 filling up her glass ; " and so, I conclude, you 
 satisfied your friend ?" 
 
 " Quite entirely," said Mrs. Brandyball ; 
 " so I took the situation, and we got on very 
 comfortably : indeed, the best part of the story 
 is, I didn't know any of the things I went to 
 teach, — that is to say, I knew a little of them ; 
 but what I said was this, I shall learn them all 
 in time, by teaching the girls, — and so I did — 
 and so then Mrs. Slinkin made friends with a 
 Bath doctor, — and he used to recommend Mont- 
 pelier House as the healthiest place in the neigh- 
 bourhood, — and so people sent their children 
 to us, — and then we sent out one or two to 
 India, — and so made a connexion that way, — 
 and at last Mrs. Slinkin married the doctor, and 
 
 * At the period of which Mr. Gilbert Gurney's papers treat, 
 James Smith's admirable song upon the subject of similar ano- 
 malies had not appeared. 
 
182 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I Stepped into the business ; and now, FU ven- 
 ture to say, there is'nt a better conducted school 
 in all England, Ireland, and Scotland, or Ber- 
 wick-upon-Tweed." 
 
 Whereupon, to my infinite amazement, I be- 
 held my brother Cuthbert elevate himself to an 
 angle of forty-five, and say, in the sweetest ima- 
 ginable tone, 
 
 " To that I think I can myself bear testi- 
 mony. Ha !" 
 
 This announcement evidently startled Wells 
 as much as it had surprised me. However, it 
 encouraged the lady to a fuller confession, which, 
 to me and the Rector, was extremely amusing. 
 
 " Now," said she, " you see me as I am ; and 
 I have told you all my history, but I should 
 never have opened my lips as I have done this 
 evening if the girls had been here." 
 
 I knew by the expression of Wells's counte- 
 nance that he was dying to ask her whether, 
 when she talked of opening her lips in the 
 manner she had done this evening, she meant 
 for the purposes of oratory or imbibition. 
 
 " Everybody is obliged," said she, " to play 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 183 
 
 a part in this world, that's what I mean to say ; 
 — what's a judge off the bench, wig and gown 
 aside ? — just like other men, to be sure ; but 
 while he is in his court, he must act judge, and 
 nothing else, — the same with me: — why, if I 
 was to be natural, as folks call it, and say my 
 say as I like to say it, I should be thought no 
 more of than one of my own housemaids, — re- 
 collect the story of the King and the School- 
 master ? — to .. 3 sure you do. Well, I make the 
 girls believe their governess the very pink of 
 perfection, — never hear me talk what I call plain 
 kitchen English, no, no." 
 
 " Well," said I, " for my part, I prefer the 
 simplest language <^hat can be used ; and I am 
 sure you will forr* :e me for saying that I have 
 never enjoyed iny evening since your arrival 
 here so much as this." 
 
 " That . it," said the joyous matron, " I know 
 that — now, at home, when the girls are gone to 
 bed — early hours are healthy, not one of 'em up 
 at half-past eight — I see no harm in having in a 
 neighbour or two and enjoying a quiet rubber of 
 
184 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 whist or a pool at loo — limited, you know. Well, 
 as I say, there's no immorality in playing cards ; 
 yet I should not like my girls to catch me at it. 
 Then, after our cards, we have a bit of supper, 
 seldom anything hot, for the girls could smell 
 that ; and, as I always tell them that suppers 
 are unwholesome, and never allow them a 
 morsel at night, I should not like them to know 
 that I eat supper myself. Well, and then, as I 
 say, what's the harm of a glass of something 
 warm after one's snack?" 
 
 " Why," said I, " Kitty told us your principle 
 upon that subject, and even referred to your 
 practice." 
 
 " Ah !" said the the lady, " my Kitty is an 
 exception to the general rule, — she is the 
 favourite.'* 
 
 " Thank you, thank you, a thousand times, 
 Mrs. Brandyball," said Cuthbert, nodding his 
 head approvingly like a china mandarin, " I'm 
 sure of that." 
 
 " I call her one of my pattern-girls. Sir," said 
 the lady. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 185 
 
 " I trust," said Cuthbert, " my dear Mrs. B., 
 you do not over-fatigue them ?" 
 
 " You know, my dear Sir," said the lady, " I 
 do not. I'll tell you my course. Up at eight, 
 — prayers, always read by Miss Julietta Tim- 
 mins, whose grandmother was aunt to the curate 
 of Cripplesdon, — fine voice, sweet delivery, and 
 as slow as a slug, — breakfast at nine, — no non- 
 sense about nerves, — never let them touch tea, 
 — pure milk-and-water, — the cow and the pump, 
 — out for an hour, — relaxation in the shrubbery, 
 — at ten in school, — everything parcelled out, — 
 method is the only mode of managing the mind, 
 — seven minutes and a half for geography, — 
 ditto for knotting hearthrugs, — a quarter of an 
 hour for French, — ten minutes for astronomy, — 
 ditto for the use of the globes, — a quarter of an 
 hour for Italian, — and twenty minutes for mathe- 
 matics. Then to learn lessons, — dinner at two." 
 
 " Very pretty proceedings," said Cuthbert. 
 " A little of everything, and not too much of 
 anything." 
 
186 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 « Exactly so," said Mrs. Brandyball. " Then, 
 till half-past three, the play-ground, — in again, 
 — fifteen minutes for music, — six minutes for 
 algebra, — nine minutes for drawing, — a quarter 
 of an hour for English history, — six minutes for 
 hydraulics, under the inspection of Doctor O., 
 and nine minutes and a half for ethics and moral 
 philosophy, — guitar twenty minutes (for those 
 who learn it), — Newton's Principia and danc- 
 ing an hour and a half, — the play-ground 
 again." 
 
 " But," said Wells, " do you never parade 
 them?" 
 
 " Do what ?" said Mrs. Brandyball. 
 
 " Take them out to walk ?" said the Rector. 
 
 " Never," exclaimed the agreeable hedgehog, 
 " except to church," bowing complacently, in 
 order to evince her high respect for the Esta- 
 blishment. " No, no, Mr. Wells. I keep my 
 charges all snug within brick walls tipped with 
 broken bottles. There are but two windows that 
 overlook my garden, and that only in the winter, — 
 planted them out, — no peeping into Montpelier." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 187 
 
 " But," said I, " do you never walk out with 
 them?" 
 
 '* No," said Mrs. Brandyball ; " I am rather 
 too heavy for exercise, and I can't well trust the 
 teachers. I have," added she, putting her finger 
 to her nose, " I have been a teacher myself; 
 besides, if I did take them,^ — it's as bad. I say 
 to them, * Girls, as you go to church, look 
 at nobody, — neither to the right nor to the left 
 — keep your eyes on the ground, my dears;* 
 and so they do : and when they are at church, 
 the front of the pew is so high, and the seat 
 so low, that they can't even get a peep at the 
 parson." 
 
 " That is severe over-much," said Wells. 
 
 " Severe !" said Mrs. Brandyball. " You 
 are a man of the world, Mr. W. Suppose I did 
 parade them, as you call it, they would look about; 
 and only think the things they are likely to see 
 in the streets and the roads. If I walked in 
 front, how should I know what they were doing 
 behind my back? If I walked behind them 
 and came leist, where's the use ? — with poke- 
 
188 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 bonnets on, how can I know what they are doing 
 with their eyes ? No, no ; I keep them all snug 
 at home, and then the dear loves have nothing 
 to put bad notions into their young heads." 
 
 " Very proper, indeed !" said Cuthbert. 
 
 " Very," said I, looking at Wells, and think- 
 ing of Miss Falwasser as a pattern Miss of 
 Montpelier. 
 
 " Now, Mrs. Brandyball," said Wells, " allow 
 me to help you to some more wine." A per- 
 mission he requested, because she had happened 
 to remove her glass out of his reach. 
 
 " Oh no," said she, " no more ; ' enough is 
 as good as a feast;' moderation is one of the 
 greatest virtues." 
 
 " We will order coffee then," said I, " and 
 have it here; and I will just step up to Harriet 
 and see how she is." 
 
 " Give my best regards," said Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball, " and say if she wishes to see me I shall 
 be too happy to go and sit with her and Miss 
 Wells." 
 
 " I will," said I ; and giving directions to the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 189 
 
 servant to bring the coffee and tea, hastened to 
 the two ladies to hear what they had been doing^ 
 and report progress with regard to ourselves. 
 
 The difference between the appearance of the 
 room I had left, and that of the boudoir which I 
 entered, was very striking. The noisy mirth 
 and chatter of Mrs. Brandyball, the insidious 
 officiousness of Wells, the supine indifference of 
 Cuthbert, the blaze of lamps, and the fumes of 
 wine, were strongly contrasted by the calm sere- 
 nity of Harriet's sanctum, and the subdued tone 
 of the conversation in which she and her sister 
 were engaged. On the table was a box — open — 
 which contained numerous letters, and I thought 
 a miniature picture. The box however was closed 
 the moment I entered, and Harriet's first ques- 
 tion was, what we had done with the lady ? 
 
 " She preferred staying where she was," said 
 I, " to becoming the sole tenant of the drawing- 
 room ; and so I have just ordered coffee, in the 
 dinner-room, and snatched a minute to get to 
 you. What have you done with the amiable 
 Tom ?" 
 
190 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " He went to bed soon after nine,*' said 
 Fanny. 
 
 " After nine ?" said I ; " why, what o'clock is 
 it now?" 
 
 " Considerably past ten," said Harriet. 
 
 " I had no idea of such a thing," said I. 
 
 '* Time flies in agreeable society," replied 
 Harriet. 
 
 " I must not stop," said I, " to tell you how 
 our time has been passed; but we have had a 
 scene " 
 
 " For which," said my wife, " if Master Tom 
 is to be believed, I am pretty well prepared. He 
 came up evidently in a passion with the lady, 
 and has been amusing us with histories of her 
 proceedings, derived from his sister Jane, which, 
 if true, or near the truth, ought to be communi- 
 cated to Cuthbert." 
 
 " All would be unavailing," said I. " After 
 having heard from her own mouth quite suflS- 
 cient to render any other evidence against her 
 unnecessary, he has just now pronounced the 
 highest eulogium upon her, and declared his 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 191 
 
 unqualified approbation of lier establishment. I 
 shall return to them, and as soon as the carriage 
 comes for your father, and brings home the 
 ' darlings,' dispose of the party forthwith." 
 
 " How is Papa ?" said Fanny ; " is he in good 
 spirits ?" 
 
 " Much as usual," said I ; " he seemed a little 
 out of sorts at first, but he soon recovered his 
 usual good temper, and has played off our visitor 
 to the greatest possible advantage. However, 
 adieu for the present ; I think half-an-hour will 
 terminate our sitting." 
 
 And down I came, not without having, by 
 way of reply to Harriet's " Don't be long, love," 
 given her one affectionate kiss, which I could 
 not help fancying made poor Fanny think of the 
 absent lieutenant, about whom and his proceed- 
 ings I admit I became rather anxious to know 
 something more. 
 
 When I returned to the dinner-room, I found 
 
 that its occupants had discovered the " time of 
 
 night," and that Wells was beginning to wonder 
 
 why the carriage had not arrived which was to 
 
 12 
 
192 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 bring back Cuthbert's living treasures, and bear 
 away the excellent rector himself. However, 
 coffee and tea were disposed of, and Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball had in a great degree recovered her com- 
 posure, and begun to resume her figurative style of 
 conversation, before any announcement of its 
 approach was made ; and Cuthbert, who could not 
 have rested unless he had seen the dear girls be- 
 fore he went to bed, seemed disposed, late as it 
 was, to make up his rubber, which, amidst the in- 
 terest he took in Mrs. Brandyball's autobiogra- 
 phy, had slipped out of his mind, when, to my 
 great relief, — for I longed to get up to Harriet, 
 who was looking ill and wearied, — I heard the 
 welcome wheels rolling towards the door. 
 
 The ringing of bells and barking of dogs soon 
 confirmed my best anticipations, and Cuthbert's 
 eyes twinkled with delight as he cast them ex- 
 pectingly on the door, so soon to be opened to 
 give to his sight the pattern-girl of Montpelier, 
 Miss Falwasser. The door was not opened — 
 the dogs ceased to bark — and everything re- 
 sumed its wonted quietude, which remained for 
 10 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 193 
 
 two or three minutes unbroken, when at length 
 Hutton made his appearance, and, approaching 
 the Rector, said — 
 
 " Mrs. Wells sends her love. Sir; the young 
 ladies were not quite ready to go home, and so 
 she has sent the carriage for you, which can 
 bring them back after you have done with it." 
 
 Wells looked more surprised than pleased, and 
 said, " Hem ! oh ! " 
 
 " Young rogues," said Cuthbert, " dancing, I 
 have no doubt." 
 
 « Most likely," said Mrs. Brandyball ; « their 
 Terpsichorean predilections are peculiarly po- 
 tent." 
 
 This resumption of " style " took place be- 
 cause Cuthberf s servant was in the room, and 
 it became essential, according to her policy, 
 to " act her part " before even the meanest 
 audience. 
 
 " Well, then," said Wells, " I suppose, being 
 sent for, I must go. May I step up and say 
 good night to the girls ?" 
 
 VOL. I. K 
 
194 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " To be sure," said I. 
 
 " Good night, Mrs. Brandyball," said the 
 Rector, "I will take care and send back the 
 rose-buds safe." 
 
 " Are your horses quite quiet ?" said Cuthbert. 
 
 " Steady as rocks," said the Rector. 
 
 " Because," said Cuthbert, " I am always 
 alarmed about horses since an accident which 
 had very nearly proved fatal to my poor father 
 and myself, many years ago. We were travel- 
 ling along the road " 
 
 " Yes, I know," said Wells, " Severndroog." 
 
 " Oh ! " said my brother, " I have told you — 
 eh? I did not recollect — dear, dear! Hutton, 
 just lift me up — there — that will do. Don't go 
 before we have a bit of supper. Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball says she takes a bit of something cold." 
 
 " Oh, not for me," said the lady, " if nobody 
 else— I " 
 
 " Tell them to bring the tray," said I to Hut- 
 ton, in a fit of desperation, covered as much as 
 possible by a look of the most perfect amenity. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 195 
 
 " I'm off," said Wells, " good night — good 
 night to both — to all." Saying which he pro- 
 ceeded to bid adieu to his daughters, and I sup- 
 pose in some degree to ascertain the state of 
 Fanny's feelings after the events of the morning. 
 
 The conversation began to flag — the lady had 
 sunk into a sort of repose closely assimilating to 
 that of Cuthbert ; and I really was not enough 
 of a hypocrite to appear pleased or even com- 
 fortable. Cuthbert was wheeled to his room to 
 be refreshed with eau de Cologne, and Mrs. 
 Brandyball just stepped up to her room to fetch 
 her pocket-handkerchief. 
 
 The lady returned, Cuthbert was re-wheeled 
 to his sofa, the sofa was wheeled to the table, 
 which we drew round, and really it was with dif- 
 ficulty I did the honours. The haut en has man- 
 ner in which the girls treated us all, and regard- 
 less of all the commonest observances of the 
 rules of society, usurped the carriages and con- 
 veniences of everybody, not only in the house 
 but in the neighbourhood, were unbearable ; and 
 now, at a moment when the mistress of that 
 k2 
 
196 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 house was ill — if not in body, certainly in mind, 
 and was anxious to get to rest early — here was I 
 forced to remain at my post, helping and serving, 
 while I knew, let the superficial appearances be 
 what they might, that the young ladies who were 
 disturbing all my family arrangements at Ash- 
 mead, could not fail of being, under the circum- 
 stancesj equally unwelcome guests at the Rec- 
 tory. 
 
 But even this was light compared with what I 
 had to undergo afterwards. At about half-past 
 eleven — I having heard Harriet's bell ring for 
 her maid twenty minutes before — Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball perceived through the mist that I was 
 rather uncomfortable, and so she requested me to 
 ring for her maid and her candle, which I most 
 readily did — she beginning, I presume, to think 
 that the sylphs were carrying the joke rather too 
 far, and resolving, as far as she was concerned, to 
 get out of the adventure which had originated in 
 her leaving them at Wells's. Away she went. We 
 wished her good night. Cuthbert shook her 
 hand, and they parted affectionately ; and when 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 197 
 
 she was gone I imagined that Cuthbert would be 
 satisfied with recommending the girls to the care 
 of their souhrette, or sending by her or Hutton, 
 who was equally careful of the young charges, 
 some kind message, and so betake himself to rest 
 — but no — not a bit of it. 
 
 "Now, Gilbert," said he, "just do me the 
 favour to push that little table near the sofa — 
 make me one glass of white wine negus — none 
 of your — oh dear me ! how my back aches ! — 
 none of your Sangaree Sangrorum — like the 
 West Indians — which I have heard folks talk of 
 — ah ! — and we will have a quiet bit of chat till 
 the children come home — I cannot go to bed till I 
 have seen Kitty — and — then — we have had no 
 whist — ah ! — Sniggs hasn't been here — no — no- 
 thing of that sort — and when Kitty tells us of all 
 that has happened — and the — ah ! — the party — 
 she is such a capital mimic." 
 
 I did as I was desired — or, as I felt it, com- 
 manded — and then concocted a tumbler of a 
 
 similar mixture for myself — the fire grew dulj 
 K 3 
 
198 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 ^the room grew cold — I could hear the ticking 
 of the clock in the hall. 
 
 " Gilbert," said my brother, " that's a dear 
 woman — the schoolmistress — ah ! " 
 
 A gentle tap at the door interrupted my 
 answer. 
 
 " Come in," said I. 
 
 " It's only me. Sir," said Foxcroft, my wife's 
 maid. 
 
 " Do you want ?we," said I, hourly anticipating 
 the event which was so materially to add to my 
 respectability. 
 
 " No, Sir," said Foxcroft, " only my mistress 
 says, as yon mayn't come up stairs till late, if 
 you would recollect that she wishes to have the 
 carriage to-morrow about twelve." 
 
 " Certainly," said I, " I'll remember to order 
 it." 
 
 And then she shut the door, and I returned to 
 the side of Cuthbert, cut to the heart that poor 
 Harriet, without meaning the slightest reproach, 
 should have sent me a quiet humble message to 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 199 
 
 order her own carriage, in order to preserve it 
 from a seizure on the part of those — I will not 
 designate them — who were now keeping me out of 
 my bed to await their return from a place where 
 they had no business to be, to hear the praises 
 of her who had had no business to leave them 
 there. 
 
 The candles, by which Cuthbert occasionally 
 fancied he read, were already in the sockets — 
 the lamp was glimmering and flickering with a 
 sort of sputtering noise, the certain avant-courier 
 of the most unsavoury of smells — still hardly able 
 to keep his eyes open, my poor brother went on, 
 muttering praises of the regularity and good order 
 of the Montpelier establishment ; while I, listen- 
 ing with the most earnest attention for the ap- 
 proach of the carriage, watched almost uncon- 
 sciously the fast-fading fire in the grate. I 
 began to get exceedingly chilly — the lamp gave 
 stronger evidence of its proposed departure, and 
 I was driven to the necessity of lighting my bed- 
 room candle, to escape the darkness with which 
 we were threatened. Having done which, I des- 
 K 4 
 
200 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 patched the lamp somewhat upon the principle 
 of the butcher's wife, who called to her husband 
 to come and kill a sick sheep before it died. 
 
 Twang went the clock ; one — two — three — 
 four — five — six — seven — eight — nine — ten — 
 eleven — twelve. 
 
 " It is twelve o'clock," said I. 
 
 " What little rakes those girls are !" said 
 Cuthbert ; " I hope they won't tire themselves 
 — poor dears ! I dare say they are dancing — 
 their sainted mother was very fond of reels — but 
 — ah ! — well — it is what we must all come to — 
 poor Tom ! — by the way, he didn't come in to 
 wish us good night." 
 
 " He stayed with Harriet and Fanny," said 1. 
 
 " It is getting coldish," said Cuthbert ; " stir 
 the fire, Gilbert — hadn't you better ring for 
 some coals?" 
 
 " Why," said I, obeying orders, " I suppose 
 they cannot be much longer — midnight is late 
 for the Rectory." 
 
 " I conclude Harriet is gone to bed," said 
 Cuthbert, in a tone of voice which satisfied me 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 201 
 
 that he would have been more interested in the 
 fact of his own favourite cat having been made 
 up for the night in her well-lined basket. 
 
 " Oh yes," said I, " two hours since, I should 
 think — she is not by any means well." And 
 then I thought of her " Come soon, love," which 
 seemed to ring in my ears to a popular air, which 
 then I fancied 1 traced in the ticking of the 
 clock. 
 
 " Yaah," said Cuthbert, " Fm getting sleepy 
 myself." 
 
 " Hadn't you better go to bed ?" said I. 
 
 " No, no," replied my brother, " not till I 
 have bid Kitty good-night." 
 
 He then relapsed into silence, and to say truth, 
 I felt no inclination to disturb the tranquillity of 
 the scene. A quarter after twelve — half past 
 twelve came; at which period I was about to sug- 
 gest that something extraordinary must have 
 happened, but suddenly checked myself, when I 
 recollected that if Cuthbert's thoughts had been 
 directed to the possibility of an accident, he 
 would, with the fear of Blackheath before his 
 k5 
 
202 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 eyes, have ordered out every man, woman, and 
 child of the family, in search of his babes in the 
 wood; so I waited, and, like the turnspit who, 
 in the Spanish proverb, is made to console him- 
 self during his work on the culinary treadmill, 
 with the certainty that " the largest leg of mut- 
 ton must get done in time," sat to listen for the 
 ladies, and think of my wife. 
 
 At length, just as I pictured Harriet buried 
 in the happy depth of her first sleep, up drove 
 the carriage. The footman, no doubt irritated 
 by being kept up unusually late, and turned out 
 for a second time, long after midnight, rang the 
 house-bell with a force and power which made 
 it reverberate through the hall and staircase 
 loudly enough to have waked the dead. This 
 set the three dogs barking all in different keys. 
 Hutton and the footman hurried to let in the 
 revellers, upsetting one of the hall chairs in their 
 haste ; all of which disturbance was followed by 
 the loudest possible banging down of the car- 
 riage steps, immediately under my wife's win- 
 dow ; the uproar only concluding after the car- 
 12 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 203 
 
 riage-door first, and the house-door next, had 
 been also banged to and fastened — the former 
 accompanied by the imprecations of Wells's ser- 
 vant outside the house, and the latter by the in- 
 evitable rattling of chains and scraping of bolts 
 within. 
 
 " Well, dearest," said Cuthbert, " you have 
 made it late — have you been very happy ?" 
 
 " Yes, Pappy," said Kitty, " very. Oh, you 
 mustn't look at me — I'm such a figure ! danced 
 every bit of curl out of my hair ! I couldn't get 
 away before — it was all Bessy's doing — her Pa 
 went t© bed the minute he came back, but Mas- 
 ter Buggins and his cousin Harry would have 
 two more dances, and after that, we had three 
 of the new-fashioned things they call waltzes — 
 Oh Pappy, it was so nice, and made me so 
 giddy, and so pleased, you can't think ! " * 
 
 "And how were you entertained, Jenny?" said 
 I, standing candle in hand, prepared for a start. 
 
 ♦ It was just about the period at which Mr. Gurney wrote 
 this portion of his papers that this irritating indecency, which 
 has since been so universally adopted, was first introduced 
 into English society, Ed. 
 
 K 6 
 
204 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 ** I liked it very well, thank you, Uncle," said 
 Jane, who looked as white as a sheet, with a pair 
 of eyes as red as a ferret's. 
 
 " Gilbert," said Cuthbert to me, " what do 
 you think this young lady has been whispering 
 tomer 
 
 " That she wants her maid, I suppose," said I. 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert, " something else — she 
 says she should like a little bit of something to 
 eat." 
 
 « Eat ! " said I. 
 
 " Yes, uncle," said Kate ; " we had only some 
 lemonade and cakes, and that was at about half- 
 past nine, and we dined at two with Bessy, 
 so " 
 
 " Come, come," said Cuthbert, " ring the 
 bell, Kitty, love, and we'll get you some cold 
 fowl, or something of that sort, — you would not 
 like anything warm ? " 
 
 " I am afraid," said I, " they are not likely to 
 get anything warm. I surmise that Mrs. Habi- 
 jam (so was my cook named) is fast asleep." 
 
 Hutton made his appearance to answer the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 205 
 
 bell, for, as he must inevitably sit up to undress 
 his master, and put him to bed, he had relieved 
 my butler. 
 
 " Hutton," said Cuthbert, " these young ladies 
 want something to eat." 
 
 " Very well. Sir," said Hutton, in a tone 
 which sounded like — very ill. Sir. 
 
 " Anything, Hutton," said Kate ; " a bit of 
 cold fowl and some tongue — nothing sweet." 
 " I'll go and see, Miss," said Hutton. 
 As I foresaw that Hutton, in order to put the 
 young lady's commands into execution, must ne- 
 cessarily call up Mrs. Habijam, who, although my 
 cook, acted also as housekeeper, in order to get at 
 the larder, and that my wearied butler must be 
 " rousted out," to get at the wine, or whatever 
 other liquid the sylphs might select for their 
 regale ; and as I beheld Hutton, by way of a pre- 
 liminary, return to the room with a pair of fresh 
 candles, and feeling that, as my presence was, 
 even if agreeable to the trio, by no means essen- 
 tial to their enjoyments, I ventured to take the 
 liberty of saying that, as it was growing late, and 
 
206 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I had an engagement early in the morning I 
 would wish them good night. 
 
 To my proposal I found not the slightest ob- 
 jection made by any one of the company; and 
 accordingly, having shaken hands with my bro- 
 ther, and having been kissed boisterously by 
 Kate, and gently by Jane, I betook myself to 
 my room, where I found poor Harriet sitting up 
 in her bed, wondering at the noise in the house 
 at so late an hour, and fancying ten thousand 
 things had happened, about which she had no 
 opportunity of inquiring. 
 
 I will not describe my feelings, because they 
 are not purely fraternal. The conclusion of the 
 affair, however, was not the least annoying part 
 of it, for it was certainly past two before Kate 
 and her sister came dancing up-stairs to their 
 room, singing one of the airs to which they had 
 been whisked about by Master Buggins and his 
 cousin Henry, so loudly as to wake poor Harriet 
 from the second sleep into which she had hap- 
 pily fallen. 
 
 What seemed so particularly odd in the whole 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 207 
 
 of this business was, that the day on which so 
 disagreeable an event had occurred in Wells's 
 family should have been fixed upon for what 
 really was an unusual gaiety there. I found, 
 however, that the little party had been arranged 
 before the denouement of the Merman affair, and 
 while he was yet in the house; and that Mrs. 
 Wells, with the proper spirit of her sex, resolved 
 that the dismissal of the Lieutenant, which would 
 be of course the talk of the whole place in a day 
 or two, should not appear in any degree to have 
 affected them, or made the slightest alteration in 
 their arrang^ements. 
 
 I remember seeing once at a country fair a 
 boy of about ten years of age, in a scarlet jacket 
 much tinselled, a pair of dirty white trousers, 
 with flesh-coloured stockings pulled up over them, 
 his hair being flaxen, and matted, and his face 
 dirty and painted, performing a hornpipe in front 
 of a booth, a minute after his father had given 
 him a most savage horsewhipping for some con- 
 duct, I suppose, militating against the laws and 
 customs of the modern Thespians, the effect of 
 
208 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 which was very remarkable. The poor child 
 was crying with pain, the tears running down 
 his well-ochred cheeks, dancing as hard as he 
 could, accompanied by periodical exclamations 
 by his respectable parent of, " Jump, you dog, — 
 go along, Sir, — higher. Sir," which overtopped 
 the sound of the one fiddle upon which the 
 child's eldest well-spangled sister was playing 
 the tune. 
 
 The effect was at once ludicrous and painful, 
 and somehow I could not help associating it in 
 my mind with Mrs. Wells's uncommonly lively 
 little party in the evening of the day of the de- 
 feat of all their well-laid schemes of settlement 
 for Fanny. — However, I got to sleep at last; 
 but little did I anticipate what was in store for 
 me before I should sleep another night. 
 
209 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 There is a certain point to which complacency 
 and forbearance may go, but there is also a cer- 
 tain point at which they must infallibly stop ; and 
 when I awoke in the morning, and thought over 
 the events of the preceding evening, and more- 
 over found my poor Harriet extremely unwell, I 
 fell to considering what course I could adopt to 
 rescue her and myself from the unbearable 
 thraldom in which we found ourselves, without 
 offending Cuthbert, or, on the other hand, of 
 evincing a proper sense of gratitude for the 
 kindnesses he had lavished upon us. 
 
210 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I was perfectly satisfied of his entire uncon- 
 sciousness that he was doing anything either to 
 distress or inconvenience us ; he felt convinced 
 that we must like what he liked, or perhaps it 
 would be nearer the truth to say, that he did not 
 trouble himself to think much upon the subject. 
 By this I do not mean that he was indifferent to 
 our comfort or happiness, but that seeing the 
 readiness with which all his wishes were com- 
 plied with, and hearing neither remonstrance nor 
 complaint, he was not aware that he was, in point 
 of fact, making us positively miserable. 
 
 As the morning wore on, however, I began to 
 think that my mind was likely to be occupied 
 with even more important matters. Harriet's 
 indisposition increased, and I was informed about 
 seven o'clock by the proper authorities that it 
 would be advisable to call in medical aid. I 
 immediately went to Harriet to inquire whether 
 her disinclination to Sniggs continued as strong 
 as ever, and in reply was referred to her mother, 
 for whom she had sent. 
 
 I knew exactly what the result of this refer- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 211 
 
 ence would be. The prejudice entertained by 
 Mrs. Wells against the unfortunate son of Galen, 
 however natural, was unconquerably strong ; and 
 as the tone of Harriet's voice convinced me that 
 in submitting the subject to her fond parent she 
 would say nothing likely to remove or mitigate 
 it, I determined at once to send off a servant to 
 Dr. Downey, a lady's doctor of considerable re- 
 putation and extensive practice, who lived within 
 a very short distance of Winchester. Time it 
 seemed would not allow of my sending to Lon- 
 don for a Sir Charles or a Sir John, as I had, with 
 a view to soothing poor Sniggs's feelings, origi- 
 nally intended. I was, therefore, compelled to 
 run the risk of offending him, hoping, however, 
 in some degree to qualify what I knew would be 
 considered a grievance, by getting leave to join 
 him in the commission with the Doctor, who, in 
 addition to his eminent professional qualities, 
 was the very pink of politeness, and a universal 
 favourite. 
 
 Finding that the proposed arrangement was 
 agreeable to Harriet, I forthwith wrote to the 
 
212 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Doctor and sent off my letter, and had the satis- 
 faction of finding upon Mrs. Wells's arrival that 
 what I had done met with her entire approba- 
 tion. From the moment, however, that the 
 Doctor was sent for and my respected mother-in- 
 law proceeded to her daughter's room, I felt — 
 certainly as I had never felt before — my anxiety 
 had commenced— my worry had begun. I dreaded 
 lest the Doctor should come too late — that some 
 unforeseen accident might befall my beloved 
 Harriet — I felt, in short, as if I had suddenly 
 become a useless and superfluous member of my 
 own family; I walked about the hall, went into one 
 room, and then into another — stopped — listened 
 — then sat down ; until at length I resolved upon 
 going into the grounds, and made a sort of busi- 
 ness of looking at the celery and sea-kale in the 
 kitchen garden. The kale covers might have been 
 bee-hives, the celery trenches an asparagus-bed 
 for all I cared, and into the house I came again, 
 when to my horror I heard a sound certainly 
 most unexpected by me at such a moment : that 
 of the tuning of a fiddle in the drawing-room next 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. *213 
 
 to my wife's bed-chamber. I hurried up-stairs 
 astounded at such a circumstance, and there be- 
 held Mr. Kittington, the dancing-master, just in 
 the act of beginning the then popular country- 
 dance of the " Opera Hat," that being fixed upon 
 for the first practice of the bef ore-breakfast 
 lesson to the young ladies. 
 
 When I entered the room the two pets, dressed 
 with remarkably short petticoats and dirty white 
 kid shoes, sprang forward to welcome me, and 
 expected, I conclude, to see me look remarkably 
 well pleased. 
 
 " My dear girls," said I, " you cannot take 
 your lesson here, nor, as I think, anywhere else 
 this morning; Mrs. Gurney is extremely ill, and 
 the noise will distract her." 
 
 " 111," said Jane, " what's the matter with her, 
 uncle ?" 
 
 " Jane," said Kitty, " how can you be so 
 foolish — she is not very ill, uncle?" 
 
 " Indeed she is," said I. 
 
 " And so is Tom," said Jane, " he is all out 
 in a rash, and can't see out of his eyes. Pappy 
 
214 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 is not up yet, but I'll tell him as soon as I 
 can." 
 
 " Indeed !" said I, wondering at the sort of 
 mind in which my Harriet and Mrs. Falwasser's 
 Tom could be by any means associated. 
 
 During this little colloquy, Mr. Kittington, 
 in stockinet pantaloons and pumps — time half- 
 past eight in the morning — stood fiddle in hand, 
 naturally looking particularly awkward. 
 
 " I tell you what we can do," said Kate, " we 
 can go and take our lesson in the laundry, be- 
 cause I know it will vex Pappy if we lose it 
 altogether." 
 
 " It is," said I, " indeed an essential point 
 in your education." 
 
 " Besides," added Kate, " Mr. Kittington 
 has had to come so early on purpose to give 
 it us." 
 
 " Do what you please, my love," said I, " only 
 I assure you Harriet is not well enough to bear 
 the noise here." 
 
 I did this civilly and quietly, although I felt 
 sick and wretched, because I did not like to allow 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 215 
 
 the dancing-master to see that the domination of 
 the Falwassers was so irksome to us as it really 
 was, and because I did not wish the professor of 
 the Terpsichorean art — or science — as the case 
 may be, to think that I underrated either the 
 importance of the study, or his own personal 
 assiduity in giving his attendance ; and so I con- 
 clude they did retire to the laundry, for I heard 
 no more fiddling, nor did I see the young ladies, 
 as it turned out, till a late period of the day. 
 
 I sent for Foxcroft, inquired how her mistress 
 was, not daring to venture near the room my- 
 self. She told me that she was going on very well. 
 This satisfied me; I did not quite understand 
 what it meant ; but the words " very well," con- 
 veyed to my mind the intelligence generally 
 which I wished to receive. I went to the break- 
 fast-room ; there everything was in order — 
 comfortable and proper — just the same as if 
 Harriet had been in perfect health. So it is if 
 the master of a house dies — the whole establish- 
 ment goes on seemingly of itself, for a week or 
 two, without being in the slightest degree affected 
 
216 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 by his disappearance. This arises from the 
 fact, that after all the discussions and disserta- 
 tions upon feeling and gratitude and affection, 
 and all the rest of it, in the relative position of 
 servant and master, there is nothing in either 
 death or destruction sufficiently strong to break 
 in upon the routine of duty so long as it is paid 
 for. The man who cleans the plate, cleans it as 
 energetically, while the man whose plate it was 
 three days before, lies upon tressels screwed up 
 in his coffin, as he did that day week, when the 
 defunct used his portion of it. Kittington, the 
 dancing-master, in his stockinets and pumps, 
 would just as enthusiastically have taught my 
 half or three-quarter nieces (whichever they are) 
 to jump and wriggle and twist, to the tune of the 
 " Opera Hat," if Harriet had been lying dead in 
 the next room, instead of being only seriously 
 indisposed : and so it is in all callings and pro- 
 fessions. Hamlet, we all know, asks Horatio, 
 speaking of the grave-digger — 
 
 " Hath this fellow no feeling in his trade ?" 
 
 And as Shakspeare shows in every line he has 
 
 11 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 217 
 
 written the most perfect knowledge of human 
 nature that man without inspiration — was it with- 
 out ? — ever possessed, it may be thought absurd 
 to say one syllable more upon the subject, except 
 that although still young I have lived long enough 
 to observe, that so far from a man not having a 
 feeling in his business, it is completely the re- 
 verse ; his feeling in his business is so strong, that 
 it supersedes any feeling towards any trade except 
 his own. Send for your carpenter, bid him put you 
 up some fifty yards of treillage whereupon you 
 wish your jessamines and honeysuckles to twine, 
 or over which you propose your clustering ivy to 
 creep; his point is the treillage, and in order 
 that lie may make what he thinks a workman- 
 like job of the treillage, half your jessamines and 
 honeysuckles and two-thirds of your ivy are de- 
 stroyed. To him follows the painter, who cares 
 as little for the carpenter as he does for the 
 remnant of your shrubs and climbers ; he, only 
 desirous of setting himself off as an artist in his 
 way, not only paints the treillage, but covers with 
 his invisible green — visible to the naked eye — 
 
 VOL. I. L 
 
218 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 the stems, branches, and leaves of every one of 
 the pet plants, which unconsciously conniving 
 at your scheme of screening, are good enough 
 to intertwine themselves in your treillage. The 
 bricklayer heedlessly annihilates the efforts of 
 the painter, in making his work strong and good 
 which is to support the superstructure ; and the 
 plumber, who comes to consolidate certain corners 
 and crannies, completes the job by sending his 
 Etna-like rivers of boiling lead over the roots of 
 the unhappy specimens for which all the pains 
 have been taken and all the pence expended. 
 
 I remember hearing Mathews, who, as the 
 reader knows, was my first enticer to dramatic 
 writing, tell a story of a man who had made, 
 with exquisite neatness and beauty, so far as the 
 word is applicable to such a subject, a Hessian 
 boot, the height of which did not exceed three 
 or four inches, but the sole and body of which pre- 
 sented as beautiful a specimen of workmanship as 
 ever was seen. Mathews was delighted with the 
 ingenuity and skill displayed in the construction 
 of this little hijou^ and offered to buy it. The 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 219 
 
 artist declined selling it. Matliews then pro- 
 posed that he should let him have a repetition of 
 it. The difference between a repetition and a 
 copy has been established by Lawrence and 
 other illustrious painters. " No, Sir," said the 
 man, " I would do anything for you that I 
 could do for anybody, but I made that little 
 boot in a moment of enthusiasm, and I feel 
 confident that I never could make another 
 like it." 
 
 This is a proof that a man may be really en- 
 thusiastic, and have the powerful " feeling of his 
 business,*' which I contend generally exists, and 
 which ought always to exist to ensure success ; 
 and I say so, not only upon Dr. Johnson's prin- 
 ciple, that, whatever is worth doing, is worth 
 doing well, but because I am certain that, unless 
 a man believe the particular pursuit in which he 
 is engaged, let it be what it may, to be vitally 
 important to society at large, he never will be 
 anything in the craft or trade which he may have 
 adopted. 
 
 I have spoken of one actor — whose whole 
 l2 
 
220 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 heart and mind are occupied in his profession, 
 Mathews — and not only are his heart and 
 mind engaged in it, as the " means whereby 
 he doth sustain his house ;" but they are more 
 honourably and more enthusiastically involved 
 in an anxiety to uphold the character of 
 the profession which he so brightly adorns. 
 Terry — a man of great reading — of powerful 
 intellect — and of high available talent — has but 
 recently come amongst us; but if I prophecy 
 aright, Terry will never attain his just rank as 
 an actor. The reason is plain ; he treats his art 
 as a trade, and feels always disposed to laugh at 
 himself, even when he is on the edge of a great 
 performance. If he take a fancy to a part, he 
 will act it, con amore, but only as a joke ; and 
 although still new to the London boards, it is 
 clear to me that his perception of the ridiculous, 
 makes him sneer at the success which his not 
 half-developed powers procure him : so, as I have 
 already said, it is with all men ; and as a proof 
 how far the " enthusiasm of the moment" will 
 carry me, I will write down here, that which, as 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 22l 
 
 I never read what I write, and as my papers 
 are not intended for the public eye, or public 
 criticism, it does not much matter if I have 
 written down before, a dialogue I once over- 
 heard between two scavengers at the corner of 
 Spring-gardens. 
 
 They were sweeping up the mud, and spoon- 
 ing it into a cart with an almost inevitable cer- 
 tainty of Shrapnelizing the " passing villagers," 
 when in a pause from their labours, one, he 
 with the shovel, said to the other, " I say. Bill, 
 what's gone with Jim, I han't seen him about a 
 long time ?" 
 
 " Can't say," said Broom ; " I guess as how 
 som'think's happened to him unforseen." 
 
 " He was a good un," said Scoop. 
 
 " Yes," said he of the besom, " he was a 
 smartish chap at a crossing, or anything straight 
 forward ; but as for a bit of fancy work, sweep- 
 ing round a post, or anything o' that sort, he 
 hadn't no kind of taste whatsumever." 
 
 If I am inadvertently repeating myself, I 
 l3 
 
222 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 cannot help it; the dialogue seems wonderfully- 
 well calculated to exhibit 
 
 *' A ruling passion, strong in mud." 
 
 And still better to prove the justice of my origi- 
 nal aphorism, that, without enthusiasm, all labour 
 is in vain. 
 
 When the young ladies, who seemed entirely 
 to sympathise with the dancing master as to the 
 importance of the lesson, had flitted to the laun- 
 dry as a fit scene of action, I waited impatiently 
 for — what I could hardly define. Cuthbert at 
 length got up, was dressed, and, as usual, wheeled 
 in to breakfast, but Mrs. Brandyball pleaded 
 headache, I have every just reason for thinking 
 sincerely, and did not make her appearance; 
 Cuthbert and I were therefore tete-a-tete at the 
 morning's repast. 
 
 " Poor Tommy," said Cuthbert, " is — ah, 
 dear — very unwell; he came to see me while 
 Hutton was getting me up ; he is all over red 
 spots, — I must send for Sniggs after breakfast." 
 
 Now, of all things in tlie world that I did not 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 223 
 
 desire, or rather of all things in the world I par- 
 ticularly wished to avoid, was a visit from Sniggs 
 in the course of this morning. I knew him so 
 well, and was so perfectly aware of the activity 
 of his interference, that I was convinced neither 
 solicitation nor remonstrance would prevent his 
 making his way to poor Harriet, whose very 
 safety might depend upon her not being excited, 
 as I knew she would be by his appearance in her 
 room, the moment he heard she was unwell. 
 
 " I think," said I, " as I expect Dr. Downey 
 here in an hour or two, it would be no bad thing 
 to let him see Tom." 
 
 " True," said Cuthbert, " so he may ; but then 
 I asked Sniggs to come here to-day to play 
 chess, and it is only his coming a little earlier, 
 and then he can see Harriet, and so, because the 
 physician, whatever you call him, may not be 
 here in time — eh — it is as well, as Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball says, to have two strings to one's bow — 
 eh?" 
 
 All these arrangements of Cuthbert's were 
 made, as usual, unconsciously, as if expressly for 
 l4 
 
224 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 the subversion of all my prudential plans of ope- 
 ration ; and yet I did not see how I could coun- 
 teract their effect ; for if I confided to him Har- 
 riet's disinclination for Sniggs, the first thing 
 Cuthbert would most assuredly do, would be to 
 tell him the whole story the moment he arrived, 
 and thus make an enemy, even if he were yet 
 friendly, of the peripatetic reporter of Bliss- 
 fold. 
 
 " Now," said Cuthbert, " have you formed 
 any plans with regard to the young stranger?" 
 
 " What," said I, « the child unborn !" 
 
 " Yes," said Cuthbert, " I am to be god- 
 father ; and ^^ou shall find, my dear Gilbert, 
 that I do not consider the obligations of such a 
 connection merely nominal. If it is a boy, let 
 him have a profession — make him a lawyer — or 
 — eh — perhaps that will be too fatiguing, — and 
 if it is a girl " 
 
 " A thousand thanks for all your kindnesses," 
 said I ; " but let us secure the treasure, before 
 we discuss how to dispose of it." 
 
 " Nothing like foresight," said Cuthbert; " I 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 225 
 
 am sorry for poor Tommy — I — hadn't Hutton 
 better step to Sniggs's ? " 
 
 The kindness which mingled with my brother's 
 anxiety to upset my schemes was so remarkable, 
 and so genuine, that I did not know how to 
 thwart him in his wishes, and was on the point of 
 ringing for his man, when the sound of wheels 
 caught my ear. I turned to the window, and 
 saw, to my delight and surprise, the great object 
 of my present solicitude. Dr. Downey's carriage 
 rapidly approaching the house. 
 
 " Here's the Doctor," said I ; "we need not 
 send for Sniggs; he shall see Tom before he 
 goes up-stairs." 
 
 " Ah," said Cuthbert, looking quite satisfied, 
 " that will do nicely." 
 
 I hastened to the hall to welcome the physi- 
 cian, whose early appearance was very agreeably 
 accounted for by the fact, that my servant on 
 horseback had overtaken him about four miles 
 from Ashmead, as he was returning from a visit 
 of a similar nature to that which he immediately 
 turned his horses' heads to pay to Harriet. 
 l5 
 
226 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I presented the Doctor to my brother, and 
 then went up-stairs to apprise Mrs. Wells of his 
 arrival. Cuthbert, who thought of nothing but 
 Tommy and his rash, began immediately to open 
 his case to the Doctor, who, not being the least 
 aware that there was a second patient to attend 
 to, was mystified in a great degree by Cuthbert, 
 who, in consequence of what I had said with 
 respect to Downey's seeing the boy before he 
 visited Harriet, thought that I had left the room 
 to fetch him for inspection. 
 
 " I always say," said Cuthbert, " that preven- 
 tion is better than cure, and that the earlier any- 
 thing of this sort — eh, is looked after, the better." 
 
 " Certainly, Sir," said the Doctor, gracefully 
 bowing his well-powdered head, " nothing is 
 wiser than precaution." 
 
 " I don't exactly understand the cause of the 
 complaint," said Cuthbert ; " but I dare say you 
 will be able to tell when you see the patient." 
 
 " Why," said the Doctor, with a look which 
 implied some little doubt of Cuthbert's state of 
 mind, "yes, I" 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 227 
 
 " I think it may proceed from cold," said 
 Cuthbert ; " being out at night will do it some- 
 times — letting off squibs and fireworks — silly 
 thing — poor dear, nearly lost an eye already, 
 poor thing." 
 
 The Doctor pushed back his chair, and stuck 
 the poker into the fire. 
 
 " Yes, Sir," said he, " very likely." 
 
 " Great romps overheat themselves," said 
 Cuthbert; "my two daughters are never half 
 careful enough in that respect ; I am often afraid 
 that something of the same sort will happen to 
 
 " Oh," said Downey, walking towards the 
 window, " yes. Sir, as you said just now, caution 
 is wisdom." 
 
 "Yes," said Cuthbert, delighted with the 
 urbane manner in which the physician humoured 
 him, '* and especially about their age, poor things, 
 before they have done growing." 
 
 " You are quite right, Sir," said Downey, 
 "quite — perfectly, nothing can be more judicious. 
 Does Mr. Gurney expect me to follow him ?" 
 l6 
 
228 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " No, no," said Cuthbert, " he is gone to 
 fetch your patient — probably dirty hands want 
 washing, — hair to be combed, or something of 
 that sort, — wicked little thing, and as full of 
 mischief as possible." 
 
 What farther might have been said to illumi- 
 nate the physician, had the dialogue lasted any 
 longer, it is impossible to surmise. Certes, my 
 friend Downey's eyes greeted me with a look of 
 infinite satisfaction as I made my appearance. 
 
 " Well, Gilbert," said Cuthbert, '' where's 
 Tommy?" 
 
 " Oh," said I, " I quite forgot, I will ring for 
 Hutton to fetch him." 
 
 " I thought you were gone on purpose," said 
 Cuthbert, " else I could have rung myself, or, 
 at all events, have requested the Doctor to do so 
 for me." 
 
 " May I presume to ask," said the Doctor, 
 " who Tommy is ?" 
 
 " A son-in-law of my brother's," said I, " who 
 feels unwell, and whom my brother wishes you 
 to see." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 229 
 
 " Oh," said the Doctor, « I understand — I 
 did not at first see:" saying which, he with- 
 drew the poker from the fire, and laid it on the 
 fender. 
 
 Hutton obeyed the summons, received his 
 orders, and in a few minutes returned with Mas- 
 ter Tommy, whose appearance was by no means 
 prepossessing. 
 
 " Come here. Tommy, my dear," said Cuth- 
 bert ; " let this gentleman look at you." 
 
 " Shan't," said Tom. " I wont be physicked 
 — not for nobody; — the pimples is come hout, 
 and they may go hin agin for all I care, only they 
 hitches like winkin." 
 
 " My dear Sir," said Dr. Downey, " there 
 is no question about the young gentleman, — a 
 clear case of small-pox." 
 
 " Small-pox, Sir !" said Cuthbert ; " I never 
 had it. Sir. I shall die of it. Tommy, my love, 
 go to the other end of the room. Gilbert, open 
 the window, — ring for Hutton, — get me some 
 eau de luce and water, — camphor. — Oh ! — you 
 really don't mean it ?" 
 
230 GURNEY MARRIED.. 
 
 " I do, indeed, Sir," said the Doctor. " I am 
 happy to say that the character of the eruption 
 at present appears favourable ; attention and care 
 will most probably get him well through it, I have 
 no doubt: it is of the distinct kind, and of course 
 less serious than the confluent. I will write a 
 prescription for him before I go up stairs ; he had 
 better be put to bed, and of course his diet is 
 to be of the most sparing character." 
 
 " I won't be starved," said Tommy ; " and I 
 won't go to bed, and I won't take no physic." 
 
 " Oh, yes, my dear, you will, I am sure," 
 said the Physician. " Your health requires it ; 
 you would be in great danger if you did not do 
 as we tell you, and perhaps would die." 
 
 " Then I should be poked into the pit-hole," 
 said Tommy. " I'll jump out of bed the minute 
 I'm put in. I'll eat whatever I can ; and as for 
 the physic, see if I don't shy it all under the 
 grate." 
 
 " No you won't, my dear," said Cuthbert. 
 " Hutton, — Doctor, if you don't want to examine 
 him any more, — Hutton, put down the eau de 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 231 
 
 luce, aqd take Master Tommy away, — there's a 
 clear." 
 
 " I will ask him a few questions, with your 
 permission," said Dr. Downey; " but we can go 
 into another room." 
 
 " I shan't tell for nothing," said Tommy. 
 
 " If you please. Sir," said Foxcroft, rushing 
 into the room very pale, " Mrs. Wells wants the 
 Doctor, — my mistress " 
 
 " What !" said I, " here, Tom, the Doctor 
 shall see you by-and-by. Now, Doctor." 
 
 " Doctor," screamed poor Cuthbert at the top 
 of his voice, " what's to be done for me ? I shall 
 catch this infernal disorder." 
 
 " What disorder ?" cried Mrs. Brandyball, 
 who came sailing into the room. " What dis- 
 order ?" 
 
 " The small-pox, Ma'am," said Cuthbert. " I 
 never had it." 
 
 " Small-pox !" screamed the lady. " Nor I, 
 Mr. Gurney," and forthwith she fell into hys- 
 terics. 
 
 Such a scene never had I witnessed. Tom 
 roaring, — Foxcroft crying, — Mrs. Brandyball 
 
23*2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 hooting, — Cuthbert groaning, — the doga bark- 
 ing, — two canary-birds singing as loud as they 
 possibly could, — Hutton scolding the dogs, — I 
 hustling the Doctor out of the room, — and 
 Kitty and Jane scudding across the hall to 
 take leave of Mr. Kittington, the dancing- 
 master. 
 
 I led the Doctor up to my wife's room, and 
 having just looked in, Mrs. Wells held up her 
 hand to caution me against speaking. I heard 
 a faint murmur of complaint from my beloved 
 wife, — the door was shut upon me, — and I burst 
 into tears. I did,- — and I am not ashamed to 
 record the fact. 
 
 Oh, the thrilling, aching, throbbing pain of 
 anxiety which seemed to affect every part of my 
 body and limbs ; my hands were icy cold, my 
 tongue was parched, my knees trembled ; my 
 kind, my affectionate, my darling Harriet was in 
 pain and in sorrow, and I unable either to assist 
 her or soothe her in her sufferings. I did not know 
 how to dispose of myself; return to the break- 
 fast parlour I could not ; where I was, I dared 
 not stop, lest I should hear the sound of Har- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 233 
 
 riet's voice in grief and anguish. I went down 
 stairs, I fled to my sanctum, and shut myself in 
 my library, to pray for the safety and restoration 
 of the being I loved best on earth. 
 
 Silence had been restored, and I heard nothing 
 where I sat, except the subdued ringing of the 
 servants' dinner-bell, which told me that I had 
 been for upwards of two hours in my conceal- 
 ment ; presently, however, I was bunted out : 
 Hutton knocked at the door, and after repeating 
 the operation twice, I felt obliged to answer, to 
 prevent a continuation of his thumping, — my 
 brother wanted me. 
 
 I of course obeyed the summons ; and there 
 I found Cutbbert covered with a shawl and a 
 blanket, extended on the sofa, with the three 
 windows of the room all open. 
 
 " What a thing to have happened !" said 
 Cuthbert ; " it is, — dear me, — what shall we do ? 
 — poor dear Mrs. Brandyball never had it, — nor 
 either of the girls. I have sent for Sniggs, — 
 they have shut themselves up in Kitty's room 
 with camphor bags and eau de Cologne till he 
 
234 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 comes. They are all going to be vaccinated, — 
 so am I, — and Hutton and I have been speaking 
 to Mrs. Habijam, and the coachman, and the 
 two housemaids, and they have all agreed, and I 
 want you to let Foxcroft be vaccinated, too, — 
 — there's nothing like precaution." 
 
 " But, my dear brother," said I, " all these 
 people have had either the small-pox or been 
 vaccinated before, rely upon it." 
 
 " Ah, but," said Cuthbert, " the cow-pox is 
 like everything else, it wears out ; besides, it was 
 not discovered when I was born, nor when you 
 were born. I don't recollect having had the 
 small-pox, nor do either of my girls." 
 
 " Probably not," said I ; " and probably none 
 of the establishment recollect a similar event 
 in any of their lives, inasmuch as it generally 
 occurs at a period to which the memory of man 
 reacheth not." 
 
 " Well, it can do no harm," said Cuthbert; 
 " let Sniggs see poor Tommy as soon as he 
 comes, and then have him well fumigated, — ah, 
 — or washed, — anything you think safest, — and 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 235 
 
 then let bim begin bis operations. I'll have 
 poor Pilly vaccinated, too." 
 
 « Who?" said I. 
 
 " Pilgarlick," said Cuthbert, looking the pic- 
 ture of despair. 
 
 " What, your tom-cat ! " exclaimed I. 
 
 " I think it will be safest," sighed he. Hut- 
 ton paused in his operation of bathing his master's 
 temples, to see whether he were pleased to be 
 facetious, or was in sober earnest. I am con- 
 vinced it was the purest bit of matter-of-fact 
 solicitude that ever man expressed. 
 
 The arrival of Sniggs was the signal for action. 
 I was ordered to convey him to Tom's apart- 
 ment, in order to satisfy Cuthbert as to the 
 reality of the existence of the disease he so much 
 dreaded ; and accordingly I conveyed him to the 
 room where Tom had compounded with himself 
 as to not going to bed, by having taken off his 
 jacket and waistcoat, and lain down on the quilt 
 with his boots on, ready for a start whenever he 
 felt disposed to run riot. 
 
 " There," said I to the apothecary, " there's 
 
236 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 a patient for you. What's the matter with 
 him?" 
 
 " Hold up, Master Tom," said Sniggs ; " look 
 to the light — eh, — umph, — feel any itching?" 
 
 « Yes, I do," said Tom. 
 
 "Umph, — I see," said Sniggs; "obstructed 
 perspiration, — a sort of nettle-rash, — better out 
 than in, — little cooling physic will set all to 
 rights." 
 
 " Why," said I, " we were thinking it was 
 the small-pox." 
 
 " The small-pox, my dear Mr. Gurney ! " said 
 Sniggs ; " not a bit of it. Where's the synocha, 
 — where the languor and drowsiness which inva- 
 riably characterize that complaint? No, no; 
 the blood wants cooling. I'll send him some- 
 thing which will set him all to rights in no time." 
 
 " Well," said I, " but do you know we gene- 
 rally believe it to be the small-pox." 
 
 " Ha, ha !" said Sniggs, " that's deuced good ; 
 who is likely to know best ? " 
 
 " My brother says it is small-pox," said I. 
 
 " Oh, very likely," said Sniggs, 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 237 
 
 " Mrs. Brandy ball says so," continued I ; "so 
 does the housekeeper, and " 
 
 " My dear Sir," said Sniggs, " these are all 
 very respectable people in their way, but wholly 
 incapable of distinguishing the difference be- 
 tween the most dangerous case of variola con- 
 fluens and the simplest effect of febris urticata." 
 
 " Well," said I, rather worried at being pooh- 
 poohed in so decided a manner, " Dr. Downey, 
 who is here, says it is the small-pox." 
 
 " The deuce he does !" said Sniggs. " Dr. 
 Downey here, — is he? — umph, — that's Mrs. 
 Wells's doing, — never mind, — does he say it 
 is the small-pox ? — Hold up your face again, 
 Master Tom. Small-pox, eh?" Sniggs rubbed 
 the boy's forehead, and looked very wise. " Dr. 
 Downey says it is small-pox; — put out your 
 tongue, Master Tom. — So, — by Jove, it is small- 
 pox, sure enough ; — never like to create un- 
 necessary alarm, — umph, — very odd. Oh ! yes, 
 yes, — that's small-pox, — not the least doubt of 
 it, — never can mistake that.''* 
 
 The suddenness of Sniggs's conviction with 
 
238 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 regard to Tom's disorder would have affected me 
 more perhaps than it actually did, if I had not 
 recollected that a much more eminent man did 
 precisely the same thing when one of the Princes 
 of the Blood caught, in mature age, and for the 
 second time, the measles. Upon that occasion 
 his Royal Highness having ascertained from two 
 of the most eminent physicians of the day the 
 real nature of his complaint, subsequently sent 
 for his facetious body-physician, who, like Sniggs 
 in the present instance, most strenuously denied 
 the least resemblance between measles and his 
 Royal Highness's rash, until, being informed that 
 Baillie and Heberden had both decided that 
 measles was the complaint — like Sniggs, the 
 worthy doctor looked again, and decided that 
 measles it was. 
 
 Having now received the authentication of all 
 our worst fears, I proceeded to Cuthbert, having 
 previously informed our apothecary of his ex- 
 treme desire to have every living inhabitant of 
 the house vaccinated, and of his anxious wish for 
 his complete purification, previous to his visit. 
 10 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 239 
 
 Sniggs, delighted with the idea of having any- 
 thing to do, seemed smoothed at once, and 
 smothered the angry feeling which I saw rank- 
 ling with regard to Dr. Downey's visit ; however, 
 I was a Fabri, for he laid the whole scheme at 
 my poor dear mother-in-law's door, and believing 
 in the proverb which makes the mother say — 
 
 " My son is my son till he gets him a wife, 
 My daughter's my daughter all the days of her life," 
 
 imputed to her influence over Harriet his very 
 disagreeable exclusion from the honour of usher- 
 ing the heir or heiress of Ashmead, as the case 
 might be, into this world of trouble. So far I 
 got oflF scot free, and I was not sorry for it ; be- 
 cause, as poor Mrs. Wells had long before ren- 
 dered herself obnoxious to what Lieutenant 
 Merman used to call Snigg's " sculduddery," 
 a little more of his ire could do her no harm, and 
 I might escape unscathed. 
 
 In the hall we encountered Mrs. Habijam, 
 who appeared entirely lost in a dread of the con- 
 sequences of the infection ; she intreated Sniggs 
 
240 GURNEY MARRIEO. 
 
 to make all the haste he could to his own house, 
 to procure a sufficient supply of what she called 
 the " various " matter ; in short, I never saw a 
 panic so general or so serious. I congratulated 
 myself however on having escaped Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball and the young ladies, whose appearance 
 would have detained me from fresh inquiries 
 about Harriet. 
 
 All I heard was that everything was going on 
 extremely well, and that Doctor Downey wished 
 to know when luncheon would be ready ; this 
 was music to my ears — he could not care about 
 luncheon if everything was not going on ex- 
 tremely well, and I felt delighted in having the 
 opportunity, under such circumstances, of talking 
 to the man to whose skill and judgment I was 
 to be indebted, under Providence, for the safety 
 of my dearest love. 
 
 Luncheon was ready, but Cuthberthad retired 
 to his own room. The exertion of being very 
 much frightened had been more than he could 
 bear ; besides, as he was resolved to be the first 
 person in the family vaccinated, he determined, 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 241 
 
 like Csesar, to die with decency, and accordingly 
 betook himself to his bed in order to catch the 
 gentle infection from the lancet of our Lam- 
 pedo. 
 
 " Well, my dear Sir," said the Doctor, " we 
 are all doing as well as possible ; the sweetness 
 of our dear patient's temper cannot fail to be in 
 the highest degree beneficial to her during her 
 illness. I think I never saw such mildness and 
 amiability. Great care must be taken about the 
 young gentleman's small-pox. I trust we shall 
 have one child in the family, in an hour or two, 
 about whose having been vaccinated or not there 
 can be no question ; and upon that account I 
 should say the lad ought to be removed while 
 he is yet able to bear it." 
 
 " But whither is he to go ?" said I ; " and 
 will his affectionate father-in-law suffer him to be 
 separated from him ?" 
 
 " I am, of course, not competent to answer 
 either of those questions," said the Doctor ; " but 
 I only do my duty in apprising you of the danger 
 to be apprehended to the infant by his remain- 
 
 VOL. I. M 
 
242 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 ing here, and having communication with those 
 who are also in the habit of going into Mrs. 
 Gurney's room." 
 
 " What can I do ?" said I ; " my brother is 
 actually in bed ; he, I am sure, will neither let 
 Tom go without him, nor with him — in the one 
 case he would apprehend the worst consequences 
 to the boy, and in the other the most dreadful 
 results to himself." 
 
 " I merely speak professionally, Mr. Gur- 
 ney," said the Doctor, " and not with any view 
 of interfering with your domestic arrangements ; 
 but were I to remain silent upon the subject, I 
 feel I should incur a very serious responsibility." 
 
 It struck me that perhaps Sniggs would allow 
 Tom to be removed to his house, whither per- 
 haps my brother might be induced to let him go, 
 with the satisfactory conviction that he would 
 be constantly under the superintendence of the 
 medical man in whom, spite of my mother-in- 
 law's prejudices, he had an exceedingly high 
 opinion. I mentioned this expedient to the 
 Doctor, who, being acquainted with Sniggs only 
 7 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 243 
 
 by name, and totally ignorant of the terms upon 
 which he lived with our family, hesitated — as he 
 generally did — to give any decided opinion upon 
 its probable success. I resolved, at all events, 
 to mention it to Cuthbert, before Sniggs's re- 
 appearance at Ashmead. I did so, and found 
 him by no means disposed to expose his darling 
 lad to the difficulties of a removal, or the incon- 
 veniences of a strange house. 
 
 " No," said Cuthbert, " / had better go — 
 Mrs. Brandyball would like to take the two girls 
 — you know they were going on Tuesday — so — 
 I think, after I have undergone the operation, 
 I will try to be got up, and go with the girls 
 and their governess to Bath — eh, dear ! — what a 
 terrific idea ! — how dreadful a circumstance ! — 
 however, we must make three days of it — it 
 must be nearly a hundred miles from this to 
 Bath." 
 
 " Yes, my dear Cuthbert," said I ; " but 
 
 however this plan may secure you and the girls 
 
 from danger, and however happy we should be 
 
 to pay every attention to Tom in your absence, 
 
 M 2 
 
244 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 it leaves poor Harriet and her child exposed to 
 extreme peril." 
 
 " I have ordered Hutton to sprinkle vinegar 
 all over the house," said Cuthbert, " and to 
 fumigate the passage down stairs with gun- 
 powder." 
 
 " Yes," replied I ; "I can vouch for his 
 activity too : I never smelt anything so horrible 
 in my life." 
 
 " Ah !" said Cuthbert, " never mind smells — 
 dear, dear — isn't it dreadful ?" 
 
 " Well," said I, seeing that I had no chance 
 of succeeding alone in obtaining an order of 
 removal for Master Tom, " I will go back to 
 Doctor Downey, and the moment Sniggs comes 
 he shall be sent to you." 
 
 Sniggs did come — I presented him to the phy- 
 sician, and felt at once pleased and perplexed by 
 finding his opinion with regard to the removal 
 of Master Falwasser entirely agree with that of 
 the Doctor. Sniggs was essentially good-na- 
 tured, extremely fond of meddling, delighted to 
 be "doing," and excessively anxious to show 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 245 
 
 the " public " of Blissfold that he stood exceed- 
 ingly well with the family at Ashmead, in spite 
 of Mrs. Gurney having, under her mother's in- 
 fluence, called in other medical aid ; and he — as 
 it were intuitively — started the very proposition 
 which I was about to make. 
 
 " Why not take Master Tom to my house ?" 
 said Sniggs ; " I shall have him there under my 
 own eye. Mrs. Sniggs will be as careful of him 
 as if he were our own. All difficulty will be 
 removed, and I shall be too happy to be of any 
 use in relieving you from your difficulties." 
 
 " Have you any objection to open the busi- 
 ness to my brother?" said I. 
 
 " Not the least," replied the apothecary. 
 " That he ought to be moved from this house 
 nobody can doubt ; he can be removed at present 
 without danger — where can he go better than to 
 the house of a medical practitioner, in whom, as 
 I flatter myself, his father-in-law has so much 
 confidence ? I'll go this instant — give my opi- 
 nion and advice — vaccinate my patient, and then 
 make every necessary arrangement." 
 m3 
 
246 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 The natural readiness for action which uni- 
 formly characterized the proceedings of Mr. 
 Sniggs, blended with the prospect of the profits 
 arising from his successful attendance upon the 
 darling lout, filled him with energy and elo- 
 quence. What he said or what he did in the 
 way of persuasion to my brother, I do not pretend 
 to guess. All I know is, that in less than half 
 an hour the operator returned to the dinner- 
 room, where Downey and I were sitting, and 
 with sparkling eyes and a joyous countenance an- 
 nounced the consent of Cuthbert to the arrange- 
 ment, provided the Doctor would give a favour- 
 able opinion as to the safety of the young pa- 
 tient's transport from one place to the other. 
 
 Our difficulties now were nearly overcome — 
 we were sure of the Doctor's voice in our favour, 
 and a few minutes more sufficed for the arrange- 
 ment of the whole affair. I confess I felt my- 
 self relieved of a heavy burthen, and not a little 
 anxious to see the project carried into execution. 
 Having got so far, I ventured to suggest to Cuth- 
 bert that there would in that case be no neces- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 247 
 
 sity for his leaving us ; but Hutton's entrance 
 into the room to mention that one of the house- 
 maids, he was afraid, was sickening, set all doubt 
 upon that question at rest ; in fact, as it appeared 
 to me, the preparations for the joint departure 
 of Mrs. Brandyball, the girls, and Cuthbert were 
 already far advanced, and that a regular commu- 
 nication had been kept up between the high con- 
 tracting powers, who for their own separate and 
 particular reasons had resolved upon leaving 
 Ashmead immediately, and leaving it together. 
 
 The girls were tired of us already, and as the 
 mirthful noises and romps, in which they much 
 rejoiced, would be of a necessity suspended for 
 the next two or three weeks, they anticipated 
 more of dulness and quietude during the rest of 
 their stay than suited their tastes and genius ; 
 and this, added to the necessity of Mrs. Brandy- 
 ball's return to her seminary by a particular day, 
 concluded that faction in their resolve to decamp, 
 having first undergone the preservative and pre- 
 ventive process which was to be universally in- 
 flicted by the skilful hand of Sniggs. 
 m4 
 
248 GURNEY MARRIED* 
 
 With respect to Cuthbert, kind as his profes- 
 sions were, and liberal as his conduct might be, 
 I could not help observing an increase of that 
 indifference towards Harriet which I had previ- 
 ously noticed in a slighter degree. Kitty's pri- 
 vate consultations and conversations with her 
 father-in-law struck me to be somehow con- 
 nected with this disagreeable change. And I 
 could not help fancying that his invincible desire 
 to leave Ashmead was in some degree attributa- 
 ble to the same influence. What I feared was 
 that the influence— powerful as it most unques- 
 tionably was — was not spontaneously exerted. 
 I was alarmed lest its operations should be di- 
 rected by the more matured judgment of Mrs. 
 Brandyball. What her objects were I could not 
 exactly define ; but I felt convinced that she had 
 some point of first-rate importance to herself to 
 carry, and I could not divest myself of the idea 
 that she made Kitty the tool with which she 
 might carry on her machinations. 
 
 To be candid, however, as one may be, at 
 least when he writes for no eye but his own, I 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 249 
 
 did not regret, in this particular instance, the 
 success of the young lady's persuasiveness. To 
 put Cuthbert to any inconvenience would have 
 given me the greatest pain and uneasiness, but 
 he preferred leaving me — so far I had nothing to 
 reproach myself with ; and as for the removal of 
 the rest of the party, nothing could be more 
 agreeable. Accordingly, I submitted to his ex- 
 pressed will. Less than two hours were allowed 
 for the packing of the carriage in which the tra- 
 vellers were to make their journey. Four horses 
 were ordered to be at the door at half-past three, 
 by which arrangement it was proposed that the 
 party should reach Salisbury by seven or eight 
 o'clock, where they were to sleep, Hutton and 
 Cuthbert's other servant, with their luggage, fill- 
 ing Mrs. Brandyball's post-chaise, and bringing 
 up the rear. 
 
 It was determined, moreover, that Tom shoidd 
 not be apprized of any of these arrangements, 
 inasmuch as, if he had even quietly acquiesced 
 in them, there must have been a parting, which 
 would have defeated the main object of the flight. 
 M 5 
 
250 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Sniggs therefore undertook to amuse the lad by 
 performing various tricks of magic and conjura- 
 tion in his room while my guests were getting 
 under way. 
 
 Dr. Downey had resumed his close attendance 
 upon my wife, whose side her affectionate mother 
 had never once left since she came to her in the 
 morning. Wells and Bessy had come over from 
 the Rectory, and were just in time to take leave 
 of the travellers; and within a few minutes of 
 the proposed time, I received the parting kisses 
 of Kitty and Jane, handed Mrs. Brandy ball into 
 the carriage, and shook hands with Cuthbert, 
 feeling, I can scarcely tell why, a presentiment 
 that I never should see him at Ashmead again. 
 He seemed to me to have thrown himself — or 
 rather, passively to have fallen — into the hands 
 of strangers ; and when he bid me farewell, he 
 did not make the faintest allusion to Harriet, or 
 express the slightest wish to hear the result of 
 her confinement. 
 
 The subsequent scene with Tom was very re- 
 markable. Sniggs having made himself exces- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 251 
 
 sively entertaining, suggested to Tom that if he 
 liked to come to his house, to dine and sleep, 
 while there was so much bustle going on at Ash- 
 mead, it would do him no harm, and that there 
 was no objection to his doing so. Tom jumped 
 at the proposal: and Sniggs having taken the 
 proper opportunity of sending for a hack chaise 
 from the inn, charitably preferring the risk of 
 infecting a public carriage, into which fifty 
 strangers might in the next day or two be but- 
 • toned, to using any vehicle belonging to the 
 family, wrapped the hopeful youth up in a great 
 coat and a cloak, and carried him off unresist- 
 ingly to his residence in the High-street of 
 Blissfold; nor was it until the next morning 
 that Master Tom clearly understood the charac- 
 ter of his visit there ; he was then enlightened 
 by the enforcement of the severe discipline which 
 had at first been ordered, and clearly compre- 
 hended that he had been sent away from home 
 on purpose to be out of the way. The rage and 
 pcission of the young gentleman exceeded all 
 bounds, and it required main force and the in- 
 M 6 
 
252 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 tervention of a strong lock to keep him where 
 he was. At length, however, as the disorder 
 advanced, his spirit sank, and he continued to 
 take the medicines which were prescribed, and 
 not take the food which was proscribed, with a 
 sulky sullenness which, if not more amiable, was 
 at least more endurable than his violence. 
 
 At half-past seven o'clock on the evening of 
 the departure of the amiable family and their 
 charming friend, I became the father of a fine 
 boy, pronounced by Mrs. Wells and the nurse 
 to be as like me as possible. The Doctor looked 
 pleased, and congratulating me with the greatest 
 warmth, announced that which was the welcomest 
 part of his important intelligence, that the 
 mother and child were " as well as could be 
 expected." 
 
CHAPTER VIL 
 
 " So, then, I am a father, — a new tie binds me 
 to the world, and Harriet absolutely worships 
 her infant. All is going on well. The house 
 is perfectly quiet ; even the canary-birds, un- 
 provoked and unexcited, are mute. Still I oc- 
 casionally hear a sound hitherto strange to 
 Ashmead, — the shrill cry 5f my son and heir ; 
 he that, please God, is to be hereafter some- 
 thing good and great. How strange is such an 
 anticipation ! Only fancy that Dr. Johnson 
 was once a baby ; and that the height of my 
 ambition would be to see that dear, little, soft, 
 red thing upstairs, just such a man as he, in due 
 
254 QURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 course of time ; but, to be sure, all the babies I 
 ever saw were soft, and red, and remarkably like 
 their fathers, and so is mine." 
 
 This was the sort of soliloquy in which I was 
 indulging when Mrs. Wells came to me in the 
 garden to enquire, at Harriet's suggestion, whe- 
 ther I had written to announce the event to 
 Cuthbert. 
 
 " Where am I to find him ? " said I. " When 
 he went away he said nothing about either my 
 wife or my child. He left no address nor any 
 direction where a letter might find him." 
 
 " That odious Mrs. Brandyball," said Mrs. 
 Wells, " will no doubt be able to forward any- 
 thing to him ; and Harriet feels that it would be 
 extremely wrong not to let him hear." 
 
 " She is quite right," said I ; " but there is 
 something extremely repugnant to my feelings 
 in making Mrs. Brandyball the medium of such 
 a communication." 
 
 " What else can you do?" said my prudent 
 mother-in-law. " As the child is a boy, and as 
 your brother has expressed his desire of standing 
 
GURNEY MARRIED, 255 
 
 godfather, it would be losing an excellent chance 
 of a provision for him hereafter." 
 
 " That desire," said I, " was expressed before 
 the sudden dispersion of the tribe ; in all proba- 
 bility he has by this time forgotten it altogether; 
 and as it is quite certain that we shall hear from 
 some of them in the way of inquiry after Tom's 
 health, I feel very much disposed to postpone 
 the announcement until the opportunity offers of 
 making it direct." 
 
 " Of course, my dear Gilbert," said Mrs. 
 Wells, "you are master of your own house, and 
 must do as you please." 
 
 Yes, thought I to myself, I feel more master 
 of it than ever I did before: but this by no 
 means disagreeable consciousness was not alto- 
 gether without alloy. In the first place, the 
 departure of Cuthbert had entirely changed the 
 manners and customs of Ashmead, just at the 
 very moment when, from being isolated myself, 
 the alteration was made more manifest; and in 
 the second place, the alteration was eflfected in 
 an unpleasant manner ; — in short, I was worried 
 
256 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 and vexed at my own emancipation from the 
 controul I had so long felt irksome. What 
 strange creatures we are ! 
 
 " In my mind," said Wells, who had joined 
 us, " your brother Cuthbert is snared, — as safe 
 as a hare in a poacher's bag ; — his fanienti dis- 
 position and almost helpless habits have no 
 chance against the bustling activity of that Mrs. 
 Brandybali, whose real character, thanks to our 
 convivial re-union the other evening, we are 
 tolerably well acquainted with." 
 
 " I am apprehensive " said I. 
 
 «' I go beyond you," replied Wells : " how- 
 ever, as my poor Fan used to say when I took 
 leave to hint an occasional doubt about our late 
 friend Merman's disinterestedness, it is of no 
 use anticipating evils." 
 
 " Is there no chance," said I, " of that affair 
 ever being on again ? " 
 
 " I think not," said Wells. " Indeed, with 
 all my avowed predilection for early marriages, 
 I should not wish a daughter of mine to submit 
 to caprice, or permit her affections to overcome 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 257 
 
 what I consider the proper dignity of a woman's 
 character. As to her taste with regard to the 
 man, with that I have nothing to do. I was 
 satisfied that a mutual attachment existed be- 
 tween them, and as I saw no objection to their 
 marriage, I did not interfere with the courtship. 
 When I thought it had continued quite long 
 enough, I spoke to him on the subject indirectly 
 — hypothetically " 
 
 "Yes," said I; and all the scene in the old 
 dining-parlour at the Rectory was re-enacted on 
 my mind in a moment. 
 
 " And," continued Wells, " there was nothing 
 in his conduct of which we have any right or 
 reason to complain. He admitted the existence 
 of the attachment, but pleaded his want of for- 
 tune as the reason of his continued silence on the 
 subject ; and when I ventured to throw out a 
 hint as to the expectations he had mentioned to 
 me, from his aunt Miss Malony, he for the first 
 time confessed that her liberality was saddled 
 with a condition, which, as you know, must in- 
 evitably separate him from Fanny." 
 
 " There's the rub," said I, 
 
258 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Yes," said Wells, " and although he ought 
 unquestionably either to have communicated 
 that contingency to me, or have made up his 
 mind to marry upon the means he actually pos- 
 sesses, I can easily understand his unwillingness 
 to bring an intimacy to a conclusion, in which, 
 as he protests, the happiness of his life was en- 
 gaged. He has now left Blissford, as he says, 
 with the intention of softening his aunt's stern 
 decree — that her money and her niece go toge- 
 ther ; but I told him that I considered the matter 
 finally decided, as I felt it would be exceedingly 
 repugnant to my daughter's feelings to induce 
 the old lady to deprive her favorite relation of 
 the portion she proposed to give her, even if I 
 believed it at all likely that she would be in- 
 duced so to do. I knew Fanny never would be 
 happy if he succeeded ; but I am certain that he 
 will not^ and so the less we say now of the Lieu- 
 tenant the better. He intends to eflfect an ex- 
 change of duty, and join his regiment on service, 
 probably taking his well-portioned lady with him 
 as a wife." 
 
 " Surely," said I, who felt the greatest diffi- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 259 
 
 culty, with the best intentions, of conquering my 
 first dislike to him, " surely he should have con- 
 sidered all this before " 
 
 " Ay, ay," interrupted my father-in-law, " so 
 he should, but he fancied himself in love ; and 
 then, Gilbert, we all of us know that we are not 
 quite so clair-voyant as we are at other times. 
 However," continued he, "we must try and 
 rouse Fanny from her ' doleful dumps.' Now 
 we are all going on well here — your charming 
 young nephew is thriving, and I mean to make 
 up a little party, of which you must be one, to 
 go to the exhibition of some most extraordinary 
 artist, Mr. Delaville, who exhibits at our theatre 
 to-night, after the fashion of George Alexander 
 Stevens, Dibdin, and those other great geniuses 
 who, by dint of versatility of talent, contrive to 
 amuse and delight an audience all alone by them- 
 selves." 
 
 " If Harriet is " 
 
 " Harriet certainly can't be of the party," said 
 
 ^ At the time Mr. Gurney made these memoranda, the most 
 eminent genius in that line, Mathews, had not adopted it. — Ed. 
 
260 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Wells; "but my good kind wife will keei^ her 
 company, and go you must. Sniggs tells me 
 that the artist is capital — first chop, as the Chi- 
 nese say ; and Fan and Bessy, you and I, Sniggs 
 himself, who is as good an audience as he is a 
 performer, and some one or two others, will make 
 a strong party in favour of the entrepreneur.^^ 
 
 " Really," said I, "I am so worried about 
 Cuthbert, so anxious about Harriet, and " 
 
 " Can our interest be separate ?" said the 
 reverend patron of the entertainment. " No, 
 no — you never had a child before, I have had 
 many ; I know the utter uselessness of moping 
 about, a helpless animal — thinking, and wonder- 
 ing, and complaining about nothing. You 
 come with us; the entertainment is called 'Frolics 
 in Africa and Reflections at Home,' interspersed 
 with songs, dances, imitations, and recitations, 
 and all the other « ations ' in the world." 
 
 " Well, if Harriet gives me leave," said 1 
 
 "Oh, my dear Gilbert," said the pastor, 
 " that is rather too much of a joke. Give you 
 leave ! — why I think I know enough of her to 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 2G1 
 
 know that she would feel pleasure in knowing 
 that you were amused — so, if you will, come 
 to us, or shall we come to you at seven ?" 
 
 " Oh," said I, " dine here, and if we must go, 
 let us start hence en masse." 
 
 " Why," said Wells, " fond as I admit myself 
 to be of amusement in which I see no crime, 
 I should not press this so much upon you if 
 it were not for Fan — I am sure she broods over 
 this sudden rupture with Merman, and if she 
 can be diverted I know it will do her good." 
 
 " You need say nothing more," said I, " I 
 am perfectly ready to join you. I wonder we 
 have not seen some of the bills of the perform- 
 ance." 
 
 " I have got those," said Wells; "and we 
 will secure our places ; and if we can but secure 
 one or two hearty laughs, either with the per- 
 former or at him, my purpose will be fully 
 answered." 
 
 " There I perfectly agree with you," said I ; 
 "and I thank my good stars that I am not 
 particularly fastidious as to how the laugh is 
 
262 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 obtaiued. I am as great a fool at a pantomime 
 as I was when I was fourteen years old, and 
 enjoy the kickings and cuffings of Harlequin 
 and Pantaloon with as much relish now as I 
 did then." 
 
 Addison says it would be an endless task to 
 mention the innumerable shifts that small wits 
 put in practice to raise a laugh. Bullock in a 
 short coat and Norris in a long one seldom fail 
 of this effect. In ordinary comedies a broad 
 and a narrow-brimmed hat are different charac- 
 ters. Sometimes the wit of a scene lies in a 
 shoulder-knot, and sometimes in a pair of 
 whiskers. A lover running about the stage 
 with his head peeping out of a barrel was 
 thought a very good jest in King Charles the 
 Second's time, and invented by one of the first 
 wits of that age. What care I, if by some 
 extravagance, some unaccountable absurdity, I 
 am made momentarily to forget the things which 
 prey upon my mind? I am satisfied; — and if 
 Mr. Delaville, whose real name is in all proba- 
 bility Dobbs, Dobbins, or Doddle, diverts my 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 263 
 
 thoughts from subjects which give me pain, I 
 feel myself very much indebted to the said 
 Dobbs, Dobbins, or Doddle, as the case may be. 
 Voltaire says that Providence has given us hope 
 and sleep as a compensation for the many cares 
 of life, to which Kant proposes to add 
 " laughter," if the wit and originality of humour 
 necessary to excite it among rational people 
 were not so rare. 
 
 Well, I was fairly in for the evening's enter- 
 tainment; and, to say truth, not altogether 
 sorry for it. And accordingly our arrangements 
 were perfected and dinner ordered at an hour 
 suitable to the time of the commencement of 
 the performances, and we subsequently packed 
 up and were on our road to the playhouse. 
 
 The building to which we had been attracted 
 was but of " pretensions humble and dimensions 
 small." The genteel accommodation consisted 
 of four boxes on either side and five in the front. 
 The pit and gallery when we arrived might 
 have boasted some five-and- twenty inhabitants. 
 Three of the front boxes had in them some 
 
264 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 dozen of the bettermost neighbours, and our box 
 and the stage-box opposite were well filled. On 
 the stage and before the curtain stood a table 
 covered with green baize, upon which were 
 placed two candles, a bottle of water and a 
 tumbler, and a kind of desk ; behind it stood a 
 chair. 
 
 In those days little was known of the extent 
 to which amusement could be derived and 
 entertainment ensured from so small a stock in 
 trade; and accordingly we were not at all 
 sparing in our jokes upon the unpromising 
 appearance of things in general. Our attention, 
 however, was attracted to the proscenium by the 
 jingle of a piano-forte, concealed from sight, 
 whereupon, at the ringing of a little bell, some 
 hidden artist performed a somewhat familiar 
 symphony, which was abruptly checked, like 
 the story of the bear and fiddle, by a second 
 similar " tintinabulary clatter." 
 
 Up rose the curtain, and displayed the scene 
 of a room and the end of the piano-forte, which 
 we sagaciously conjectured was to be used as 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 265 
 
 an accompaniment to the vocal effusions of the 
 exhibiter. A momentary pause ensued, and 
 the hero of the evening entered, dressed in a 
 blue coat, white waistcoat, and black et ceteras : 
 — he came forward, bowed to the "judicious 
 few" who were present, and proceeded to take 
 his place behind the table. 
 
 Philip Camerarius, in the seventy-third chapter 
 of his " Meditations Historiques" says " That 
 a person worthy of credit, who had travelled 
 extensively in Egypt and Asia, told him that he, 
 more than once, at a place near Cairo (whither 
 vast numbers of people resort in order to witness 
 the resurrection of the dead, as they say), had 
 seen corpses innumerable pushing themselves, 
 as it were, out of their graves. Not," says he, 
 " that I saw the bodies entire, but only their 
 hands, sometimes their feet, and even half the 
 body occasionally; but which, after having 
 made these apparent efforts, gradually sunk back 
 to conceal themselves again in the earth." 
 
 " I," says Camerarius, " being very much 
 itruck with this account, and scarcely able to 
 
 VOL. I. N 
 
266 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 credit it, made very particular inquiries on the 
 subject of a most honourable and well-informed 
 gentleman who had travelled in these countries 
 in company with a very particular friend of 
 mine, M. Alexander, of Schallenburg, and he 
 told me that he also had heard of such things 
 very frequently. That such strange appear- 
 ances had been seen, and that no doubt existed 
 as to the fact in Cairo itself; and in order to 
 convince me the more entirely, he showed me 
 an Italian book, published at Venice, called 
 ' Viaggio di Messer di Giovanni di Alessandria 
 nelle Indie,'' in which there is a long and succinct 
 account of one of those extraordinary resurrec- 
 tions which took place on the 25th of March, 
 1540, which curious spectacle lasted from 
 Thursday until Saturday, when they all dis- 
 appeared." 
 
 Camerarius quotes much more from this 
 curious book, the contents of which are corrobo- 
 rated by another traveller of the name of Felix, 
 a native of Ulm, who published a work in 
 German, containing precisely similar accounts. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 267 
 
 " As I do not undertake," says Camerarius, 
 "myself to maintain that these appearances 
 are miraculous, and permitted even in these 
 days for the purpose of overthrowing the idola- 
 trous superstition of the Egyptians, and assuring 
 them of the certainty of a resurrection and a 
 life in the world to come, so I will not express 
 my opinion that they are nothing but the illu- 
 sions of Satan, as many are inclined to think, 
 but leave to the reader the task of exercising 
 his own judgment and forming his own opinion." 
 Nevertheless, our author goes on to say, 
 " That one Stephen Duplais, a goldsmith, a 
 very intelligent and agreeable man, about five- 
 and-forty years old, who had, when he was much 
 younger, travelled in Egypt, told him that he 
 had seen the same thing about fifteen years 
 previous to their then conversation, in company 
 with an apothecary from Chablis, of the name of 
 Claude Rocard, and several other Christians, 
 the party being headed and conducted by another 
 goldsmith, of the name of Maniotti. He de- 
 clared to me," says the Doctor, " that he and 
 n2 
 
268 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 several of his companions actually touched the 
 limbs of the revivified corpses, and that he was 
 on the point of laying hold of a child's head, 
 which was rising out of the ground, when an Egyp- 
 tian who was there called out, ' Kali, kali, ante 
 matafarde,^ which means, ' Leave it alone, leave 
 it alone, you do not know what it is you 
 touch." 
 
 " This gentleman," says our author, " told 
 me that the tradition of this wonderful appear- 
 ance has come down through father to son from 
 time immemorial. The history which is told in 
 relation to it is, that at some distant period a 
 great concourse of Christian men, women, and 
 children were assembled in the exercise of their 
 religion on this plain, when they were sur- 
 rounded by their enemies, and cut to pieces, 
 who, leaving the ground strewed with their muti- 
 lated bodies and limbs, returned to Cairo, and 
 that ever since this resurrection has been visible 
 for some days before and after the anniversary 
 of the horrible massacre." 
 
 The statement of M. Duplais is again cor- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 269 
 
 roborated by Martin de Baumgarten, in his 
 " Travels in Egypt,^* published after his death 
 at Nuremburg, in the year 1594, who, in chap, 
 xviii. of his first book, states that such appear- 
 ances had been seen in a Turkish mosque near 
 Cairo. This writer is however mistaken as to 
 the scene of the vision, inasmuch as it was not 
 a mosque, but a small eminence, which is not on 
 the bank of the Nile, but at the distance of half 
 a league from it. 
 
 Well, anybody who reads my papers — if any- 
 body ever should — will exclaim, what of all this ? 
 — what on earth can this lively dance of death 
 have to do with the Blissfold playhouse, or the 
 agreeable entertainment of Mr. Delaville ? and 
 well he may ; but let him pause in his exclama- 
 tion, and understand that if I had been of the party 
 with M. Duplais, the goldsmith, or M. Rocard, 
 the apothecary, I could not have been more 
 astounded or astonished with what I might then 
 have seen, than I was at what I beheld before 
 me upon our little provincial stage. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," said a voice, which, 
 Ni3 
 
270 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 even if my sight might have been puzzled, never 
 could deceive my ears, — " in presenting myself 
 to your notice, I fear that perhaps I am — " — 
 here the eyes of the vivacious exhibiter glanced 
 on me. — I was gazing with astonishment at 
 him : our looks met, and, to the infinite astonish- 
 ment of the audience, he burst into a violent 
 fit of laughter : the disorder, as it luckily hap- 
 pened, communicated itself to the whole com- 
 pany, and for a minute or two everybody laughed, 
 without knowing why or wherefore. The per- 
 former speedily resumed his composure, and 
 went through a really entertaining part of his 
 performance, which, although replete with copi- 
 ous quotations from Joseph us Miller, and others 
 of his erudite fraternity, was both spirited and 
 amusing. 
 
 The moment the first part was over, I pro- 
 ceeded to the Coulisses, and there, having 
 shaken hands with the genius of the night, 
 expressed considerable astonishment that, as he 
 must have known of my residence in the place, 
 he had not presented himself at Ashmead. He 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 271 
 
 explained to me, however, that he did not know 
 of my being established in the neighbourhood, 
 and that he had himself not arrived more than 
 an hour before the beginning of the performance, 
 and that his astonishment at seeing me a witness 
 of his exhibition, threw him entirely off his 
 guard, and produced the effect which seemed so 
 mysterious to the "yeweraZ." 
 
 That the performer was my once friend, once 
 enemy, and since friend again, Daly, I need 
 scarcely write down, — he had no time at that 
 busy moment to give me any account of his 
 adventures since we parted; but I made him 
 promise to come up to breakfast on the morrow ; 
 and scarcely fancying the scene I had witnessed 
 was real, I returned to my box to watch the 
 progress and conclusion of the exhibition. 
 
 When we came back from the theatre. Wells 
 and his two daughters proceeded to the Rectory, 
 and I to my home, having, however, received 
 rather an unfavourable account of Tom, whose 
 active cunning had been kept in full play, for 
 the purpose of defeating all the attempts of his 
 N 4 
 
272 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 doctor and nurses in the way of medicine and 
 regimen, and whose recent sulkiness had ap- 
 parently been converted into practical irasci- 
 bility by their efforts to control him. 
 
 This increased my anxiety to write to Cuth- 
 bert; and I resolved that if no letter arrived 
 from him by the next day's post, and Tom con- 
 tinued to go on unfavourably, I would do the 
 douce violence to my feelings, and transmit a 
 report of existing circumstances under cover to 
 the governess, a designation which appeared to 
 me to be equally applicable as regarded her 
 influence over my brother, or her tutelage of his 
 hopeful favourites. When I got back I found 
 Harriet progressing, as the Americans have it, 
 most delightfully. Mrs. Wells' attentions were 
 unremitting, and my gratitude was proportion- 
 ably sincere. I mentioned that I expected a 
 friend to breakfast, because, considering all the 
 circumstances of my former acquaintance, con- 
 nexions, and entanglements with Daly, it did 
 not appear to me particularly desirable that any 
 portion of the Wells family should be of the 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 273 
 
 party. The information produced the antici- 
 pated effect; Mrs. Wells would breakfast in 
 Harriet's room, and I should be left as I 
 desired, Ute-a-Ute with my extraordinary com- 
 panion. 
 
 Daly was punctual, as I expected: he had 
 acquired the air and manner of a gentleman not 
 at all likely to be too late for any meal to which 
 he might happen to be invited ; and I received 
 him with a natural warmth not at all qualified 
 by his change of appearance and station, but 
 greatly mystified by finding him where and what 
 he was, and I dismissed the servants as speedily 
 as possible after the " things" were put down, 
 in order to satisfy my curiosity upon the several 
 most obscure points of his history. 
 
 " My dear fellow," said he, in answer to my 
 first question as to the cause of his return from 
 his African office, " I couldn't stand it. On my 
 arrival in the infernal place, I inquired what this 
 building was ? — the late Governor's house — 
 what that building was ? — that was the residence 
 of the late Collector of Customs. They told 
 N 5 
 
274 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 me the late Secretary was one of the most 
 agreeable men in the world, and that if I had 
 only arrived before the two Judges, the Colonial 
 Chaplain, and the Deputy Inspector of Hospitals 
 had died, I should have found it an admir- 
 ably agreeable, and sweetly sociable circle of 
 society. 
 
 " Well," said I, " but I suppose as these 
 functionaries died off, others succeeded them ? " 
 " Exactly so," said Daly ; " and by that very 
 course of procedure, I lost my appointment. As 
 things were going, and as the people were gone, 
 I thought I might as well die with decency, like 
 Csesar, as live lowly ; so down I sat myself, and 
 wrote a letter to my patron, petitioning for pro- 
 motion. No reply. Out comes a new cargo of 
 officers, civil and military ; for the climate is so 
 uncertain, or rather so certain, that they gene- 
 rally send out functionaries as they do dispatches, 
 in triplicate — and I not noticed — at them again 
 — -made a grievance — complained of injustice — 
 talked of my parliamentary interest in England 
 — and wound up all, by distinctly stating that I 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 275 
 
 would rather resign my office than continue to be 
 oppressed." 
 
 " What effect had that ?" said I. 
 
 " Quite the reverse from what I intended," 
 said Daly ; " a regular recoil — answer came, 
 sure enough. What d'ye think it was? Two 
 lines from an under-secretary — they had taken 
 me at my word. " Have to acknowledge your 
 letter — date so and so — stating so and so — and am 
 directed by his Lordship to inform you that your 
 resignation has been accepted — and Mr. Mum- 
 jummy of Aldermanbury is appointed your suc- 
 cessor." Having resigned, no passage was found 
 me home — no pay there — so I have returned to 
 my native land — which in itself is something — 
 rather worse than I went, and have been forced 
 to avail myself of my little trickeries which used 
 formerly to delight the fashionable world in order 
 to raise the supplies, and get to London with a few 
 pounds in hand to keep the thing going till I can 
 what we call turn round and look about me." 
 
 " And does your scheme answer ?" asked L 
 
 " Never tried it but twice," said Daly : " last 
 N 6 
 
276 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 night second appearance — you saw the result — 
 as to finance, ' a beggarly account of empty 
 boxes' — as to the exhibition 'flat, stale, and un- 
 profitable.' The absurdities of an amateur are 
 always rapturously received ; but the moment a 
 man is called upon to pay for his pleasures, he 
 becomes critical overmuch ; and although he de- 
 clares himself ready to die with laughing at some 
 gratuitc us absurdity in a drawing-room, he would 
 pronoi- the same performance, if he had to 
 *' fork out,' as uncommonly dull, and deucedly 
 dear at the money." 
 
 " Why then it does not answer ? " said I. 
 
 " It answers," rep'* ^ Daly, " very much as 
 the under secretary of state did — unfavourably 
 to my views — so I mean to discard the dramatic 
 and take to the ^cerary line. I have already 
 made a bargain with a London bookseller to 
 commence ^ publish a couple of volumes of 
 ' Travels in the Interior of Africa,' which 1 have 
 written, and of which, to tell you truth, I have 
 brought a specimen in my pocket : these things, 
 they tell me, sell admirably well now; and with 
 
GUUNEY MARRIED. 277 
 
 half a dozen views and the portraits of a chief or 
 two, will, I have no doubt, fetch the bibliopole a 
 pretty penny ; at least he thinks so by his offer. 
 Here is my specimen — I will leave it with you 
 till I start, for I shall be off this evening." 
 
 " And did you mean to have passed through 
 Blissfold without paying me a visit?" said I. 
 
 " No," said Daly, " not exactly that ; but I 
 think if I had known you were established here, 
 I should not have passed through Blissfold at all : 
 owing, to my late arrival I was not aware of it ; 
 and most certainly, whatever your surprise last 
 night might have been at seeing me as a. per- 
 former, mine at beholding i/ou as audience was 
 at least equal." 
 
 The expressed intention of Daly to leave his 
 interesting manuscript with me till he started, 
 implied a return to Ashmead in the after part of 
 the day, for which I was not altogether prepared. 
 Not but that, even after all that had passed, I 
 should have been too happy to give him board 
 and lodging for an indefinite term — but he was 
 so uncertain, so mischievous, and so uncontrol- 
 
278 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 lable, that I did not feel safe in permitting the 
 possibility of his starting off into an elaborated 
 detail of all the events of the preceding years of 
 our acquaintance. I resolved, if possible, to 
 guard myself from the eflfects of such indiscretions 
 by pleading a dinner-engagement at the Rec- 
 tory ; for it struck me that if I reduced my dinner 
 at home, as I had already reduced my breakfast, 
 to a tete-a-tete^ he might, in the inevitable pre- 
 sence of the servants, indulge in some of those 
 reminiscences, the very peculiarity of which 
 would render them matters worth listening to, 
 and make them valuable acquisitions to the 
 archives of the housekeeper's room or servants' 
 hall. Pondering, therefore, the least harsh mode 
 of disentangling myself from a continuance of 
 the unlooked for association with my friend, I 
 asked him . whether he had lately heard of his 
 better half. 
 
 I cannot describe the sensations which I felt 
 when making this enquiry, associated as it was 
 with the recollection of events at once so over- 
 whelming and absorbing to myself, and con- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 279 
 
 trasted as those events and everything connected 
 with them were with the occurrences and pur- 
 suits of my present life. His answer was, that 
 he had certainly heard of her, but the intelli- 
 gence he had received was not of a nature to in- 
 duce a belief that she was particularly interested 
 in his fortunes or his fate. 
 
 " I should like your opinion on my manu- 
 script," said Daly, with the pertinacious affec- 
 tion for his literary offspring so remarkable on 
 the part of authors. 
 
 " And I should like to read it," said I ; " but 
 when do you leave this ?" 
 
 " I fixed upon going this evening," said Daly ; 
 "but I am not tied to time — to-morrow will 
 answer my purpose just as well." 
 
 This forced me into a declaration of my ima- 
 ginary engagement. 
 
 " I am deucedly sorry," said I, "that I 
 happen to have promised to dine at the Rectory 
 with my father-in-law, else I should have been 
 delighted if you would have dined here." 
 
 I said those very words, and said them, too, 
 
280 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 with real sincerity and truth, merely making a 
 conditional reservation, the cause of which was 
 Daly's own imprudence. I should have been 
 truly delighted to have had him to dine, if I 
 could have trusted him. Thus the fault, in fact, 
 was his, not mine ; and, after all, the " being de- 
 lighted " surely was not a less allowable facon 
 de parler than " deeply regretting " the impos- 
 sibility of accepting a disagreeable on account of 
 a fictitious previous engagement; nor one bit 
 worse than the absurdity ©f appending to a letter, 
 in which one has indulged in the expression of 
 the most contemptuous opinions and degrading 
 epithets, the generally-adopted formulary — 
 " 1 have the honour to remain, Sir, 
 "Your most obedient very humble servant." 
 
 " But," continued I, " if you will trust me with 
 a portion of the manuscript which you have with 
 you, it shall be faithfully returned to you this 
 evening; indeed, I will send it back to you 
 when I go to the Rectory." 
 
 " I think," said Daly, " you will find it inter- 
 esting — very little of the interior is knovvr., 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 281 
 
 after all — but — if — as your literary talents are 
 generally recognised — you should see any errors, 
 either in style or language, perhaps you would 
 do me the kindness to use a correcting hand ? — 
 that's all." 
 
 I promised — disclaiming at the same time 
 any of the qualifications which Daly ascribed to 
 me — to read the book with all due attention, 
 feeling at the same time, a strong desire to make 
 myself, in some degree, better acquainted with 
 the state of my friend's finances. That they 
 were low he had confessed, but I did not feel 
 myself at liberty to inquire if I could be of any 
 assistance, nor indeed did I doubt, considering 
 all our foregone acquaintance, that he would 
 hesitate to constitute me his banker, if he con- 
 sidered it necessary ; still there appeared in his 
 manner a sort of restlessness and nervousness, 
 which communicated themselves to me; and I 
 felt, I scarce knew why — an immoderate anxiety 
 for his departure. 
 
 1 dreaded a visit from Sniggs while Daly wjis 
 with me — he would not only recognise the liou 
 
282 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 of the preceding night, but would no doubt 
 strike up an intimate acquaintanceship with 
 him, and, by a sympathetic interchange oifacetim, 
 detain him at Ashmead, perhaps till luncheon 
 — perhaps he might be the bearer of some 
 message from Wells, whom I knew he was to 
 see upon parish business at eleven, which might 
 overthrow in an instant all my well-arranged 
 history of my engagement. However, at last, 
 after he had done ten thousand things, as I 
 thought, purposely tending to delay his depar- 
 ture, Daly went, leaving me his manuscript, of 
 which I considered it my duty to read a certain 
 part, and forming my judgment of the whole by 
 some favourable sample, return it, as I had pro- 
 mised, before dinner. 
 
 I wished him farewell — begged him to write 
 to me when he was fixed in London — and 
 assured him of my perfect readiness to be of use 
 to him whenever or however I might be able. 
 Yet when he was out of sight I reproached 
 myself with not having put my offer more expli- 
 citly, and volunteered some immediate assist- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 283 
 
 ance. The truth is, I was confused and worried, 
 and thrown off my guard, and I really believe 
 it would have been better not to have invited 
 him at all to Ashmead, than have treated him 
 as I did — without being able to avoid it. 
 
 When he was gone, I hastened to Harriet's 
 room, and as I never concealed a thought or 
 a wish from her, explained to her the necessity 
 I felt for avoiding Daly, by dining at her 
 father's — an explanation scarcely necessary, be- 
 cause I had long before told her the whole 
 history of my former adventures with him, even 
 to the episode of my infatuation about Emma. 
 My dear little woman perfectly agreed with me 
 in my views on the subject, and I accordingly 
 wrote to the Rector, to announce my intention, 
 and received, as usual, a kindly welcome to his 
 hospitable house. Having done which, I sat 
 myself down to peruse the papers of my volatile 
 friend, in order that they might be punctually 
 restored to him before his departure, which, 
 unencouraged by me to remain where he was, 
 he had positively fixed for that evening, per 
 
284 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 mail, if there should be a place for him when it 
 arrived. 
 
 I untied the packet, and having skimmed the 
 three preliminary chapters, which were occupied 
 in describing the town in which he had been 
 located and its environs, its different insti- 
 tutions and offices, all of which I had previously 
 read about, I passed on to the account of Daly's 
 journey into a part of the interior, which, ac- 
 cording to his statement, had never been visited 
 before \ 
 
 Daly, having travelled upwards of one hun- 
 dred and sixty miles, without meeting with any 
 considerable impediment or remarkable adven- 
 ture, arrived on the 15th of April at the town 
 of Basfoodo, the residence of the king of the 
 Gummangoes. He then proceeds with his 
 journal : — 
 
 ' Since Mr. Gurney's papers were written, a vast number 
 of lives have been lost in various attempts to penetrate into 
 the interior of Africa, an object never to be attained, and 
 which ought never again to be attempted, without a military 
 force adequate to the protection of the brave and enterprising 
 individuals who may be yet found willing to repeat the expe- 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 285 
 
 " I was accompanied by my own servant, 
 Richard Evans ; Woolpoo, an intelligent negro 
 who had joined us at Mamfoz; Faz and Borjee, 
 two boys ; and a guide. At Basfoodo we were 
 well received, contrary as it appeared to me, to 
 the expectations of my conductor. The king a 
 man of great intelligence, who spoke the Gum- 
 mango language with peculiar sweetness, made 
 numerous inquiries as to the objects I had in 
 view. Woolpoo acted as interpreter : and, after 
 an hour's talk, the king ordered me some 
 Qualch, a dish made of horseflesh and melted 
 butter. I contrived to eat some of it, because I 
 was given to understand it was considered a 
 great luxury, and, being sent by the king, it 
 would have been thought disrespect if I had not 
 partaken of it. 
 
 " I was conducted to a hut which had been 
 prepared for me by the king's order, where there 
 were several extremely large women waiting to 
 give me tamarinds and rice, which they had 
 brought with them. They were accompanied 
 by five or six Pungahs, who appeared to be 
 
286 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 their daughters, who diverted me much by their 
 grotesque dances. Oggenou Bow Ting, whom 
 I soon discovered to be the king's favourite 
 minister, told me that he had ordered plenty of 
 milk-and-water for my horses ; but when I 
 ventured to express an intention of quitting 
 Basfoodo early the next morning, he assumed 
 a somewhat authoritative manner, and said, 
 * Betnot, betnot,* three or four times. The 
 strong resemblance of his caution in the Gum- 
 mango language to the English words, ' better 
 not,' struck me as remarkably curious. 
 
 " In the morning, however, I took leave of 
 the king, who seemed quite grieved to part 
 with me ; indeed, I could not prevail upon him 
 to let me quit him, till I had soothed his regrets 
 by giving him a double-barrelled gun, a gold- 
 laced waistcoat, a cocked hat, ' and a musical 
 snuff-box. His minister seemed to expect some- 
 thing for himself; but when I mounted my 
 horse, and saw that he and two or three of 
 the subordinates were making preparations to 
 follow me, I repeated the word ' Betnot,' which 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 287 
 
 he had himself used the nio^ht before, and thev 
 gave up the design. 
 
 " On the 18th we set out, and, although the 
 road was stony, we reached Pagdouri by nine, 
 where we breakfasted. This is a small village 
 on the side of a hill on the banks of a clear 
 stream. We had rice and milk for breakfast. 
 About twelve we moved on gently. As we were 
 proceeding, a young goat crossed our path, which 
 had evidently strayed from its mother. Woolpoo 
 advised our catching and killing it. This was 
 accordingly done, and Faz was intrusted with 
 the care of carrying it. 
 
 From this spot we could discover a very lofty 
 ridge of mountains, ranging from N.E. to S.W. 
 None of my companions could give me any in- 
 formation respecting them, except that they were 
 called Bogieminicombo, which I believe to mean 
 the Devil's small-tooth comb. I made a sketch 
 of this wonderful chain, to which the reader is 
 referred. 
 
 '« About a mile beyond this, we met two 
 women and three children. They seemed re- 
 10 
 
288 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 markably fond of their offspring. They oifered 
 us milk, and a composition which the natives call 
 tatumaroo; its savour was not agreeable, and, 
 not being able to understand exactly what it was 
 made of, I declined it, but gave some glass beads 
 to the children and a Paris-made pincushion to 
 each of the mothers. 
 
 " The soil here assumed a new appearance ; 
 it consisted of good red earth, with some flourish- 
 ing vegetables. One old man showed us his 
 garden, in which tobacco was growing. I plucked 
 one of the leaves and nodded my head, which 
 seemed to give him much pleasure. 
 
 " In the evening we reached Agabagadoo, a 
 place of considerable importance, containing not 
 less than two hundred and fifty inhabitants. Here 
 we cooked our goat; and Woolpoo desired Wag- 
 gurnedd, an old chief to whom he was known, to 
 desire one or two of his wives to get a warm bath 
 ready for me, which they did, and I felt greatly 
 refreshed by it ; — indeed, nothing conduces more 
 speedily to restore and re-invigorate a weary 
 traveller than the warm bath. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 289 
 
 " After supper we had some dancing to the 
 sound of a drum, which is a hollow cylinder, 
 over the top of which is strained a piece of calf s 
 skin. It is beaten on the top with one, and oc- 
 casionally two, sticks, which produce a hollow 
 but not altogether disagreeable sound. It light- 
 ened very much during the evening. I ate some 
 tamarinds; and at nine we all retired to rest, 
 but I could not sleep on account of the heat. 
 
 " In the morning I was better, and Woolpoo 
 brought me some lapsuac, a dish made of minced 
 fish and rice. The butter used in this country 
 is a vegetable product, derived from the fruit of 
 the Ce and Nede. We travelled nearly eleven 
 miles this day, and met a man of some import- 
 ance, taking his daughter with him to Agabaga- 
 doo, as Woolpoo said, to be married. He had 
 tied a rope round her left leg, and fastened it 
 round his own waist. He appeared very much 
 amused at our commiserating the poor girl's 
 suiFerings, and said ' Kinki, kokki, nogo,' — the 
 precise meaning of which Woolpoo could not in- 
 terpret, but which I understood to signify that 
 
 VOL. I. o 
 
290 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 if he had not taken the precaution we noticed, 
 his Pungah would not have been induced to go 
 the journey. 
 
 " This afternoon we crossed a pretty river, 
 which Woolpoo informed me fell into a larger 
 one, the name of which he did not recollect. 
 The water was very clear ; so that, not being 
 deep, we could distinctly see the bottom in many 
 places. I here noticed several fish swimming in 
 the stream, which appeared to me very closely 
 to resemble the GasteroUeus aculeatus ; but I was 
 unable to satisfy myself upon this point, from the 
 rapidity with which they fled at our approach, 
 and the difficulty of catching any of them — a 
 circumstance which I deeply regret. 
 
 " At night we reached Fazelon, where we had 
 a very comfortable supper of cushmakoo, com- 
 posed of fowl boiled to rags, mixed up with oil, 
 tamarinds, and a sweet jam, called suckee. I 
 found this, when seasoned with pepper and salt, 
 and well moistened with goat's milk, a remark- 
 ably nice dish. 
 
 " One of the Fushdous, or priests, came into 
 
^_ GURNEY MARRIED. 291 
 
 our hut, and, having regaled himself, proposed 
 to accompany us the next day, in order to point 
 out to us the Pitsi Bow, or Sacred Well, which 
 was consigned to his care ; he left us late, 
 with a promise to return early, but he did not 
 make his appearance ; and when I awoke, I 
 missed my silver snuff-box. I suggested to 
 Woolpoo the necessity of applying to the chief of 
 the village for restitution ; but I was met again 
 with the words « Bet-not.' So I put up with my 
 loss with the best possible grace. 
 
 " Having lost my snuff-box, I was certainly 
 not very favourably disposed towards the race of 
 Fushdous, whom I subsequently found were not 
 regular priests of the Hoggamogadoos, but a pro- 
 scribed race who were constantly endeavouring 
 to make a revenue for themselves by exhibiting 
 the Pitsi Bow, and who were consequently glad 
 to lay their hands upon any tangible object. 
 
 " Having waited for this faithless professor of 
 what appeared to be an unorthodox sect, till the 
 sun was nearly up, we recommenced our interest- 
 ing progress. At Piliivinipou, a small town not 
 o 2 
 
292 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 remarkable for any peculiar feature, and con- 
 taining about seventy-two inhabitants, we halted. 
 The wind was westerly ; wild roses and olives 
 were seen during the morning, and Woolpoo 
 showed me a mulberry, which, although unripe, 
 was very satisfactory. 
 
 " On the 31st, Evans, my servant, was taken 
 ill; we, of course, halted at Twiddeo, and 
 every attention was shown him. The Pim- 
 sonso or chief of Twiddeo, sent him some 
 qualch, and I recommended him some Pulv.- 
 Rad-Jalapii. Whether the horse-flesh or the 
 medicine succeeded the better I cannot say. 
 On the 1 St Evans was convalescent, and, although 
 several of the Bonjies of the place seemed quite 
 satisfied that he must die, he was able to conti- 
 nue the journey mounted upon one of my she- 
 asses. 
 
 " I certainly think I may with safety say that 
 at the period at which I now write, I have 
 achieved an object of the highest possible import- 
 ance to all the civilized world. Woolpoo brought 
 me to-day a man, evidently of deep erudition ; 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. '293 
 
 for although I did not understand the Gorooga 
 language (for we had now entered that most im- 
 portant kingdom), he made me comprehend his 
 meaning ; and from him gathered, what I con- 
 sider unquestionable evidence of the fact, that the 
 river which I crossed nine days since was the 
 Runamunaboo, and that (although Woolpoo then 
 forgot the name of that to which it was a tribu- 
 tary stream) it actually falls into the great 
 Pedee. This important fact, if properly sub- 
 stantiated, will infallibly settle the question as to 
 the direction in which the Pedee runs. Sub- 
 joined is a map of the country through which 
 these rivers flow, supposing my conclusions to be 
 correct. 
 
 " The day after we left Twiddeo we reached 
 the romantic town of Humshug, where we met 
 with a very kind reception from the Bongey wag. 
 Humshug is situate about fourteen miles N.W. 
 from Calliwou — there is nothing particularly 
 interesting in the trajet. I observed, however, 
 several interesting specimens of Alsine and Ur- 
 tica, of which I availed myself, but which I re- 
 o3 
 
294 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 gret to say I was not able to bring to England. 
 Plate 34 will, however, afford a pleasing recol- 
 lection of these interesting novelties. 
 
 " I considered it necessary to give the Bon- 
 gey wag some mark, not only of my personal 
 esteem, but of the regard in which his character 
 was held in England. I therefore presented him 
 with a six-bladed Sheffield knife, and a cornelian 
 necklace ; he was much gratified, and insisted 
 upon giving me several cocks and hens, and a 
 goat. 
 
 " We took leave of Humshug with great 
 regret, and, pursuing our way by the side of the 
 river, or rather rivulet, Pewennee, reached the 
 beautiful village of Fantod, just in time to 
 accept of the hospitality of the chief, who not 
 only treated me and my people with great 
 kindness, but favoured me with a sort of voca- 
 bulary which I found of great use afterwards, 
 and which I have thought it right in part to 
 communicate to my readers. 
 " Humbo wag. How do you do ? 
 
 Pooley frou dowwz. Pretty well. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 295 
 
 Swigglee mogou. Give me something to 
 
 drink. 
 
 Swinkee sou. I am hot. 
 
 Mombro mullygrubou. I am ill. 
 
 Tatifatitooroo. Send for a Tackafee 
 
 (doctor.) 
 
 Umbi widdeeou. It rains. 
 
 Bumburirombleeboo. Thunder. 
 
 Fiz. Lightning. 
 
 Wadawantou. How much do you ask? 
 
 Coodleadoo. I love you. 
 
 Gitouto. Go away. 
 
 Kisnice. A lover. 
 
 Rooretooro. A wheelbarrow." 
 
 Having read so much of the vocabulary, I 
 turned over a few pages, and came to this — 
 " The next day we saw several goats, &c. " 
 
 When I had read thus far, I felt, oddly 
 enough, a somewhat powerful inclination to 
 sleep ; indeed, it grew so strong, that the manu- 
 script fell from my unconscious hand upon the 
 table, and by its fall, awakened me to a " sense 
 o4 
 
296 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 of my situation." I had already read the ac- 
 counts of several similar expeditions, and had, 
 I admit, uniformly felt the same symptoms j 
 but as, by Daly^s statement, he had disposed of 
 the copyright of his work to an eminent London 
 publisher, I felt rather ashamed this time of 
 being unable to keep myself alive to its interest. 
 One thing in a considerable degree consoled 
 me, — I should not be obliged to deliver a viva 
 voce opinion of the production \ nor, indeed, 
 could I, with justice, give any opinion at all, 
 since the chiefest merit of such a book consists 
 in its correctness and truth. I accordingly re- 
 folded the manuscript, tied it up, and sealed it ; 
 and enclosing a note, thanking him for the 
 perusal, which had given me much pleasure, 
 directed it (as he desired) to Mr. Delaville, 
 King's Head Inn, and having caused it to be 
 deposited in the pony phaeton, proceeded, first 
 to take leave of my dear Harriet and her amiable 
 mother, and then to drive to the Rectory, where 
 I had no objection to pass half an hour before 
 our family dinner. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 297 
 
 Off I went, with my mind fuller of Cuthbert's 
 neglect to my wife than any thing else, revolving 
 also my scheme of writing the next day, if 1 
 did not hear ; and thus occupied reached the 
 well-known door of Wells's residence. I ordered 
 the phaeton at ten; and while depositing my cloak 
 in the hall, heard the billiard-balls at work. This 
 satisfied me that Sniggs was to be of the party ; 
 so, directing James to leave the parcel at the 
 King's Head, I entered the billiard-room, where 
 I found the reverend Rector acting marker at 
 the fire-place, while Sniggs was struggling des- 
 perately to get up with Daly, who was his anta- 
 gonist, and had scored fourteen to nine of the 
 game. 
 
 o 5 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 The astonishment which for a moment over- 
 whelmed me at the sight of Daly, vanished in 
 the next, when I recollected who the performer 
 was, and what his character; indeed, it only 
 served to assure me that his original and genuine 
 spirit of enterprise, tolerably well exemplified by 
 his public exhibition of the preceding evening, 
 had been in no degree weakened or debased 
 by his "foreign travel," but had rather come, 
 from the purification of African heat, even 
 stronger and brighter than it was when first 
 submitted to that test. 
 
 " Capital player, Mr. Delaville," said Sniggs, 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. *299 
 
 who had put on his glasses to execute the delicate 
 touches in which he excelled. 
 
 " I need not introduce you to my son-in- 
 law," said Wells to Daly. 
 
 " I flatter myself not," said Daly, continuing 
 his play with an earnestness which convinced 
 m-e he was not playing for love, which, in a 
 sporting phraseology, means, nothing. " A can- 
 non and red hazard — five — score me five, Domine 
 — how much is that — nineteen to eleven — and 
 a hard game — what are the odds ? Chalk, 
 Domine, if you please — I am going to give 
 you the regular Phillimore screw." 
 
 " Domine !" said I to myself; " has he already 
 got upon such familiar terms with my reverend 
 and revered Socer as to call him Domine?" 
 
 " There's a stroke, Mr. Sniggs," exclaimed 
 Daly, after having, by dint of chalk and con- 
 fidence, twisted the ball half round the table : 
 " take your change out of that — now for the 
 cannon, just so — two and three are five, and five 
 and nineteen are twenty-four — at least in my 
 country — game — thirteen and sixpence, Sniggy." 
 o 6 
 
300 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 I stood amazed, wondering whether the " Do- 
 mine" would order my facetious friend out of 
 the house, or " Sniggy" knock him down with 
 the cue ; but neither of these by me expected 
 events occurred. Sniggs, who was certainly out 
 of play, and seemed to me equally out of spirits, 
 surrendered the implement of his art to Wells, 
 who was to take up the conqueror. 
 
 "I am extremely glad you are come," said 
 Sniggs to me ; "1 am beginning to get rather 
 hdgetty about Tom. He has contrived not 
 only to shirk taking any of the medicine which 
 I made up for him, but has managed to make 
 himself master of two bottles of cherry-bounce 
 of Mrs. S.'s own manufacture, which were inad- 
 vertently left in a cupboard in his bed-room. 
 The contents of one of these, and more than 
 half of those of the other, he has swallowed. 
 The result has been a terrible accession of fever, 
 and occasional delirium, and his appearance is, 
 I assure you, extremely alarming. 1 should 
 have been at Ashmead now, if I had not heard 
 that you were expected here at dinner." 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 301 
 
 " And is there any eventual danger to be 
 anticipated ?" asked I. 
 
 " It is impossible to say," replied Sniggs ; 
 " I have left him in the care of my young 
 man, and I hope he may get a little rest ; but 
 there's no knowing what may happen if we are 
 not able to overcome the inflammation." 
 
 " If anything fatal were to occur," said I, 
 " it would kill my poor brother ; and then his 
 being left here — and ." 
 
 " No blame can attach to yow," said Sniggs : 
 " you are strictly prohibited from visiting him." 
 
 Yes, thought I, that's very true ; but blame 
 attaches somewhere, and it is not very difficult 
 to say where — the idea of leaving such a tempt- 
 ing potation within reach of the hopeful lad, 
 whose love of anything "black, sweet, and 
 intoxicating" was remarkable, combined with 
 his hatred of physic, and a determination to do 
 all the mischief he could at the apothecary's 
 house (his removal to which he considered a 
 barbarous and degrading banishment) seemed 
 to me preposterous. If his 'death should result 
 
302 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 from such negligence, it could scarcely be con- 
 sidered accidental or natural ; and from the 
 peculiar twist of Sniggs's countenance, I felt 
 assured that however much he might try to 
 conceal his real opinion of the case, it was in 
 fact ominously unfavourable. 
 
 " I shall step home immediately after dinner," 
 said Sniggs, "and see how he is going on. I 
 told Mr. Tibbs to send the instant he fancied 
 him growing worse; but by the evening we 
 shall be better able to judge." 
 
 The intelligence of the worth}?^ leech, and the 
 tone in which it was conveyed, filled my mind 
 with serious apprehensions, and hindered me 
 from making immediate enquiries as to the 
 cause and manner of Daly's introduction and 
 presence at the Rectory. Wells was one of 
 those liberal-minded men of the Church who 
 was ever ready to patronize merit in whatever 
 profession he found it, and having known that 
 I had gone behind the scenes to speak to Daly 
 — or rather Delaville, for although he had break- 
 fasted with me as Daly, he was at the Rectory 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 303 
 
 under his nomme de guerre — the invitation was 
 probably the act of the Rector himself. By 
 whatever means it had been achieved, it was to 
 me a most embarrassing circumstance, and I 
 now regretted that I had not pressed him to 
 stop and dine with me, which the willingness 
 with which he had subsequently postponed his 
 departure to dine with Wells, showed me that 
 it was quite clear he would have done. I felt 
 that I could have managed him so much better 
 in my own house, and that Wells at Ashmead 
 would have had fewer opportunities of making 
 enquiries into his earlier life, and of giving him 
 the opportunity of dilating upon our former 
 intimacy, and the numerous curious circum- 
 stances and occurrences therewith connected. 
 I had, in fact, outwitted myself: however, I do 
 not think the most imaginative anticipator would 
 ever have foretold the probability or even pos- 
 sibility of my finding my friend and foe, my 
 " bane and antidote," domesticated in my father- 
 in-law's house, in less than four-and- twenty 
 hours after his arrival in Blissfold, and addressing 
 10 
 
304 CrURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 him and his companion by the aflfectionate 
 epithets of Domine and Sniggy. 
 
 This event, which at any other time would 
 have of itself sadly discomposed me, and made 
 me wretchedly nervous, became, however, of 
 secondary importance when I revolved in my 
 mind the probable consequences of what I began 
 to think would be the probable result of Tom's 
 illness. From a false pride I had omitted writing 
 to Cuthbert to give him an account of his health; 
 and Cuthbert, in his love of ease, availing himself 
 of the future opportunity of justifying his silence 
 by a declaration that he had been waiting to 
 hear from me, had pursued a precisely similar 
 line of conduct. 
 
 Before I left home I had, as I have already 
 recorded, resolved that, whatever my feelings 
 about Mrs. Brandyball and her influence might 
 be, all delicacy upon that point w^as to be over- 
 come ; and I had accordingly determined to 
 write by to-morrow's post. What Sniggs had 
 communicated rendered this duty doubly impe- 
 rative : and the best thing I could do, under 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 305 
 
 existing circumstances, would be to delay till 
 the last moment permitted by the post-office to 
 forward my account of Tom, perfectly satisfied 
 in my own mind, that let the consequences of 
 the carelessness of Mr. or Mrs. Sniggs, or both 
 of them, as the case might be, be what they 
 might, they would be visited upon me to the 
 fullest extent of Cuthbert's vengeance. 
 
 And to what might this not reach ? It was 
 true Cuthbert had made me, to a certain degree, 
 independent, and I occupied a place in society 
 which many men, greatly my superiors in rank 
 and fortune, might reasonably envy, and which, 
 at all events, enabled me to envy nobody ; but 
 all this comfort and enjoyment was — at least to 
 a very considerable extent — derivable from, and 
 dependent upon, the will and pleasure of my 
 brother ; at least, without meaning a pun, my 
 present possession of it, was the result of his 
 pleasure, and its permanency would entirely 
 depend upon his will. 
 
 I was satisfied that if Tom should unfortunately 
 die, that very circumstance would consummate 
 
306 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Mrs. Brand yball's triumph. She would, of 
 course, irritate Cuthbert, enlarge upon our in- 
 humanity, and, in short, carry her great point 
 of securing the entire guardianship and control 
 of the girls; in order to do which, with the 
 greater show of propriety and independence, 
 she would unquestionably become the second 
 Mrs. Cuthbert Gurney. That event would, with 
 equal certainty, more especially considering the 
 unfortunate incident which brought it about, 
 divert the current of my poor brother's bounty 
 and liberality into new channels, and I might 
 suddenly find myself left with Ashmead on my 
 hands, without the means of living in it, or 
 keeping it up. 
 
 It may easily be imagined that with all these 
 prospects for the future in my mind's eye, and 
 the dread that Daly would indulge the company, 
 in the course of the day, with details of the past, 
 my position and feelings were anything but 
 agreeable. 
 
 " Tom," said Wells, " is, I hear, worse to- 
 day?" 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 307 
 
 " Yes," said I, " I am deucedly sorry he is." 
 
 "Are you?" said Daly; *' that won't do, — 
 no, my dear Gilbert, I have heard the story — 
 happen to know, as Hull says — never tell me 
 that a man can be sorry for a fellow who is 
 likely to stand in his way — nine to six" — still 
 playing on. " I once knew a man, and a capital 
 fellow too, who was in remainder to a title and 
 a fortune, with nobody between, but a con- 
 sumptive cousin of five years old — eleven to six 
 — and what d'ye think he did, Sniggs ?" 
 
 " Can't say," said Sniggs. 
 
 " Goes to the family apothecary — two more, 
 that's thirteen — and says, ' what a fine healthy 
 boy that Ferdinand Alphonso is !' 
 
 " * Healthy !' cries the apothecary ; * sickly, 
 you mean ?' 
 
 " ' On the contrary,' cries the heir-presump- 
 tive, ' I mean healthy.' 
 
 The apothecary shook his head. 
 
 " • Well,' said the heir-presumptive, ' I tell 
 you what I'll do — you attend him constantly, 
 and ought to know — but I'll bet you a thousand 
 
308 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 guineas to one he is alive this day twelve- 
 month.' 
 
 "The doctor jumped at the bet, and before 
 six months ^eie over, the Baron Ferdinand 
 Alphonso was settled all safe and snug in the 
 family vault, and the heir presumptive in full 
 possession." 
 
 " Do you mean to say" said Sniggs. 
 
 " Nothing," replied Daly ; " only that the 
 medical man was the best judge, and was quite 
 right in backing his opinion. Now, if Tom, — 
 what d'ye call your invalid connexion? — were 
 to fall in with a medical man, who entertained 
 so bad an opinion of his case, I should say — 
 psha ! that's a miss — score one — I should say 
 betting the castor out would be very pretty 
 sport." 
 
 Wells looked somewhat surprised, and Sniggs 
 appeared extremely indignant. 
 
 " La," said Daly, " medical matters are often 
 brought to bettings. Did you never hear the 
 story of the fit and the bleeding — it's as old as 
 the Hills— not the Hulls— eh— Gilbert ?" 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 309 
 
 " Not to my knowledge," said I. 
 
 " Gad, Sir," said Daly, " Will Witley, an 
 old friend of mine, was standing one day at the 
 window at White's, and down he fell in a fit, 
 as flat as a flounder. Sir Harry Liptrap offered 
 three hundred to two that he would die. ' Done,' 
 said Lord Bendamere. ' Done,' cried Liptrap. 
 And done and done it was. The nearest apo- 
 thecary had been sent for on the instant : — in he 
 came post-haste — looked at Will — and whipped 
 out his lancet in the twinkling of an eye 
 
 " ' Mind what you are at. Sir,' said Sir Harry 
 to the doctor ; ' if you bleed that gentleman, 
 and he recovers, you'll pay my three hundred to 
 Lord Bendamere. I backed Nature out ac three 
 to two ; but I did not bet upon Art.' 
 
 " Whether the apothecary were frightened, 
 or whether he bled the patient, I can't say," said 
 Daly ; " but Will Witley is alive and merry 
 at this moment to tell the story, and the Jockey 
 Club had to ' settle the difference.' " 
 
 " Your humane suggestion," said I to Daly, 
 " at once so gratifying to we, and so compli- 
 
310 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 mentary to Mr. Sniggs, it would scarcely be 
 worth trying. The poor boy of whom we are 
 talking is no heir-presumptive, nor does he 
 stand in my way, except that by his death, if it 
 should unfortunately happen, I am likely to lose 
 whatever my poor brother might otherwise have 
 have been disposed to leave me in case of my 
 surviving him. However, let us hope for the 
 best." 
 
 A summons to dinner terminated the con- 
 versation; but I thought I began to perceive 
 that Wells was not quite delighted with his new 
 visiter, who had, it appeared, made good his 
 landing, by having accosted the Rector in the 
 Blissfold library, and having proclaimed his old 
 friendship for me, and a perfect recollection of 
 my father-in-law's father, whom he said had 
 been an intimate friend of his uncle John's. 
 
 To me, perfectly acquainted as I was with 
 my friend's '^ facilities," this ancient friendship 
 was somewhat problematical; and when Wells 
 was describing the circumstance of Daly's self- 
 introduction to him — encouraged, however, by 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 311 
 
 a good-natured recognition on the part of the 
 Rector — he evidently overheard us ; and the 
 twinkle of his eye, and the motion of his mouth, 
 convinced me that Uncle John, if he ever 
 existed, which, (as I never had previously heard 
 of him,) I very much doubted, knew no more 
 of our host's respectable father than I did. 
 
 Things, I must confess, all turned out badly 
 upon this particular day. When Wells invited 
 Daly to dine with him, he had not received a 
 very curious letter from Lieutenant Merman, 
 upon which he was desirous of consulting me, 
 and which promised, under certain circum- 
 stances, very much to alter the position, and, 
 eventually, the state of his daughter Fanny. 
 I saw that his mind was occupied by some 
 subject of importance, and that neither his 
 playing nor marking was done attentively ; and 
 although I was not prepared to hear what he 
 subsequently told me respecting the gallant 
 officer's communication, I felt perfectly assured 
 that his thoughts were not on what he was doing. 
 
 The consequence of all these " cross pur- 
 
312 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 poses,' was, that Wells, instead of being cheerful 
 and full of anecdote, " his custom always of the 
 afternoon," was dull and restless, and neither 
 encouraged Daly in his drolleries, nor laughed 
 when he made an effort, and volunteered a 
 joke. Sniggs was fidgetty about Tom, and so 
 was I, and the result was, that which is by no 
 means unfrequent in society, the " merry men 
 all," when brought together, were as dull and 
 gentlemanly as possible. 
 
 One anecdote Daly gave us, which made 
 Wells smile, but the rather, I believe, because 
 he knew the hero of the tale, or, at least, the 
 hero as Daly told it, for it did not appear to me 
 quite impossible that my friend might have 
 heard Wells speak of the reverend personage 
 upon whom he fathered it. Sniggs had been 
 describing the various tracasseries of poor Tom 
 Falwasser during his confinement at his house, 
 and amongst other things, told us that his rest- 
 lessness was such that he never could get him 
 to lie still, even when rest would be most 
 advantageous. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 313 
 
 " Gad," said Daly, " that only shows the 
 difference of dispositions ; perhaps age has some- 
 thing to do with it — an old friend of mine, 
 Doctor Doldrum, of Dorchester — rich — snug — 
 smng incumbent of a fine fat living, and a 
 bachelor, was regularly hunted by the old maids 
 and widows of his neighbourhood. They were 
 sure he would find a wife such a comfort. — His 
 house only wanted a lady to take care of it, — 
 and accordingly he was never left at rest upon 
 this important topic. 
 
 " One however of these anxious creatures 
 took the lead of the others ; and when he once 
 happened to be seized with a somewhat serious 
 illness, resolved upon nursing him, which she 
 did most assiduously — ay, and kindly too. He 
 began to recover; but the listlessness of fever 
 hung about him; and although his doctors 
 ordered him to get up every day, there 
 he lay, indolent and weak, and so he went on 
 for a week or more, without once leaving his 
 nest. 
 
 VOL. I. p 
 
314 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 " Pray try ^nd get up, Doctor," said the 
 attentive Mrs. Mantrap. 
 
 " I am too weak, Ma'am," said the Doctor ; 
 " I will try to-morrow." 
 
 " Fine day," said Mrs. Mantrap, " beautiful 
 breeze — let Thomas wheel you into the garden ?" 
 
 "I can't. Ma'am," said the Doctor; "I'm 
 too weak." 
 
 " Do, Doctor ?" 
 
 •' No, Ma'am, no," said Doldrum. 
 
 " Dear me, dear me," said Mrs. Mantrap, 
 losing patience with her patient, " will nothing 
 make you get out of your bed ?" 
 
 " No, Ma'am," said the Doctor, with a deep 
 sigh and a look of despair — " nothing — except, 
 indeed, your getting into it." 
 
 " This hrusquerie broke off the acquaintance, 
 and Doldrum died in a state of ' single blessed- 
 ness.' " 
 
 This, however, I regret to say was, if not the 
 first, the last bit of merriment of the day; for 
 just as Daly had finished his anecdote, looking 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 315 
 
 liimself as grave as a judge, a message from 
 Sniggs's young gentleman, Mr. Tibbs, took 
 him away before tlie time at which he had in- 
 tended to go. We were — at least Wells and 
 I — considerably agitated by the sudden manner 
 in which the message was announced ; and I 
 — full to a certain degree of a kind of internal 
 superstition — anticipated the worst. 
 
 Wells, who saw what was passing in ray 
 mind, and knowing that I was specially pro- 
 hibited from even entering the apothecary's 
 house, followed Sniggs, promising to bring me 
 an authentic account of poor Tom's state ; and 
 thus, in no humour for such a scene, I was left 
 for a short time tete-a-tete with Delaville Daly 
 or Daly Delaville, whichever it best suited 
 himself to be. " Sibthorpe Hopkins, or Hop- 
 kins Sibthorpe." 
 
 " Odd, isn't it ?" said he, when Wells was 
 fairly out of hearing — " deuced odd, that ' we 
 should be both here together,' as the new song 
 says ? Wells is a capital fellow — liked him the 
 moment I saw him — always have a respect for 
 p2 
 
316 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 the cloth — especially when a dinner is in the way. 
 You told me you were coming here ; so, thinks 
 I to myself, V\\ just pave the way and meet 
 him — did it in my best style." 
 
 " You seem to have done so," said I, in a 
 tone and manner which must have practically 
 convinced the yet untamed madcap that I had 
 very materially altered my views of life and 
 society. 
 
 " Never see a Domine," said Daly, " but 
 think of the horrid tricks we used to play Carbo 
 Cockletop, the curate of Cranberry, where I 
 was at all the school I ever had — we called him 
 Carbo because he looked like a Wallsend polished 
 — devout but dirty, poor dear fellow ! Amiable, 
 confiding, dim-eyed, and dignified, if not in his 
 profession, certainly in his manner; he had a 
 fashion of throwing himself with a magisterial 
 air backwards on the seat in the pulpit after his 
 preliminary prayer. Upon that seat did I re- 
 gularly do hen's work every Sunday." 
 
 " Hen's work?" said I gravely, and really 
 not comprehending him. 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 317 
 
 " Yes," said Daly — " lien's work. Every 
 Sunday, there and upon that velvet cushion 
 did 1 lay an egg, and as regularly did poor 
 Carbo Cockletop carry on the process of in- 
 cubation to a certain degree by sitting on it — 
 falling gracefully upon his seat without looking 
 before, or rather behind him, down he went — 
 squash went the egg ; and so absorbed was he 
 in the might of his own majesty, that, like a 
 heroic general in a different field of action, he 
 never heard the bursting of the shell, nor took 
 any notice of the event. But when the sermon 
 was over, and Carbo came down to make the 
 amiable amongst his congregation, the- effect of 
 the squash upon the back of his shining canon- 
 icals was good — the field sable and the egg 
 proper were beautiful heraldry ; and homeward 
 he walked, wholly unconscious of the absurdity 
 of his appearance. And this I did seven con- 
 secutive Sundays with undiminished success." 
 
 " Ah," said I, " such things I could have 
 laughed at once — but " 
 
 " I perceive," said Daly, " things are altered 
 p3 
 
318 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 since I was behind the parson, and you have 
 been before him ; however, I am a Benedick too 
 — eh ? — thank your lucky stars ! " 
 
 " 1 hope," said I, " that your prospects will 
 brighten. I am sure your book ought to secure 
 you money and reputation. I only wonder how 
 you, with your habits, could have undergone the 
 fatigues and privations incidental to such a 
 journey as that which you have so accurately 
 detailed." 
 
 " Fatigues ! " said Daly ; " privations ! — why 
 my dear Gilbert, you don't suppose I ever went 
 to any of the places I describe — not a bit of it ! 
 I never was out of the infernal town, which, I 
 wish to my heart, I never had been in, except 
 as I remember my visits to Sir Frank Blaze- 
 away, the commodore, in his frigate. Frank is 
 as fine a fellow as ever stepped — fights like a 
 devil, and drinks and plays as well as he fights." 
 
 " My dear Daly," said I, " all these things 
 are very well in their way, but you ought to 
 reflect." 
 
 " What, as my looking-glass does when I 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 319 
 
 shave," said Daly, "to warn me how time 
 creeps on — or rather gallops. No, I hate reflec- 
 tion, Gilbert. Sufficient to the day be the evil 
 thereof; and although some great man, I forget 
 his name at the moment — no matter — says, ' He 
 that never looks back will never gain wisdom 
 enough to look forward,' I go no farther than 
 the present " 
 
 " But, the book," said I ; " how do you re- 
 concile the calling it your journey into the in- 
 terior ?" 
 
 " ' 'Tis mine, 'twas his,' " said Daly, " and 
 I hope will ' be slave to thousands.' I talked to 
 a man who had been there, or somewhere else, 
 and I read other men's books of travels. I knew 
 they had never been where they said they had 
 been; and I consider a matter-of-fact detail 
 made off-hand is a work of infinitely greater in- 
 genuity than the common-place report of an 
 actual journey. Rely upon it, my Qualch will 
 become a fashionable dish before a twelvemonth 
 is over our heads, and I shall be lionised all over 
 London for having caught a glimpse of the 
 
320 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 Bogieminnicombo Mountains, which never were 
 discovered, and having ascertained the direction 
 in which a river that nobody ever heard of does 
 not run." 
 
 " I hope you may, but " 
 
 " Oh," said Daly, " you are sceptical — you 
 have pulled up and are steady — I must continue 
 dashing at something. True, my creditors are 
 not dead, but they must be pacified. I can't 
 kill myself a second time, and ' take the benefit 
 of the act * — I mean of innocent suicide — the 
 knob on my nose is too well known now. Still, 
 nil desperandum is my motto ; and I back myself 
 three to two, like the winner at White's, that 
 I fall on my legs — at least as long as I have a 
 plank left to stand upon." 
 
 " Exactly so," said I, not forgetting what I 
 had seen some years before at the Old Bailey ; 
 " but now," I continued, really anxious about 
 him, and feeling rather glad that I had an oppor- 
 tunity of offering him some assistance which I 
 had not done in the morning, " what do you 
 really and seriously propose ? " 
 12 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 3t21 
 
 His answer was checked by the return of 
 Wells, the expression of whose generally cheer- 
 ful countenance told me better than words, that 
 matters looked badly with the invalid. 
 
 "The boy is dying," said Wells; "he is 
 delirious, and Sniggs is convinced an effusion on 
 the brain will take place. Nothing can be 
 worse." 
 
 " Nothing, indeed," said I. " This will be 
 a dreadful blow upon us all ; and, to say truth, 
 I do not think when the case comes to be looked 
 into, that Sniggs will get much credit on the 
 score of carefulness, in allowing such a patient 
 access to strong spirits like cherry brandy." 
 
 " Especially," said Daly, who w^ould rather 
 lose ten friends than one joke, however good the 
 one and however bad the other — " especially a 
 boy whose addiction to bounce was notorious." 
 
 « Ah, Mr. Delaville," said Wells, " those 
 who have never suffered an affliction of this 
 sort may jest upon it : for my part, I am sure 
 you will forgive me ; 1 had hoped to pass an 
 agreeable day and evening with you and my 
 
32*2 GURNEY MARRIED. 
 
 son-in-law ; but this most unexpected calamity 
 presses upon us dreadfully, and I think that Gil- 
 bert and I ought to go to Ashmead, where the 
 news, if anything fatal does occur, would perhaps 
 abruptly reach his wife, and produce the most 
 serious consequences." 
 
 " 1 agree with you," said I to Wells : " and I 
 
 am sure, my dear Daly " 
 
 « Daly !" said Wells. " Delaville, I thought." 
 
 " Ay," said I, " his travelling name ; but " 
 
 " Daly ! " repeated the Rector, somewhat 
 emphatically. " Surely you are not the Mr. 
 Daly of whom I have heard Gilbert so frequently 
 talk?" 
 
 " The same in propria persona,^* said Daly, 
 making a theatrical bow, '*and very much at 
 your service." 
 
 I saw that the Rector was very much surprised, 
 and fancied that he was a little angry. This 
 vexed me ; because I feared that I should be 
 implicated as a party to the deception with re- 
 gard to my friend^s assumed name. However, 
 as I had neither brought him to the Rectory, 
 
GURNEY MARRIED. 32«) 
 
 nor invited him thither, but, on the contrary, 
 had left my own house in order to avoid him; I 
 felt, also, that I could explain away my share of 
 the business during our walk to Ashmead ; upon 
 which Wells seemed more positively resolved, 
 after discovering whom his guest really was, 
 than he was before. 
 
 " I shall make no apology, Mr. Daly," said 
 Wells, " for wishing you a good evening : so old 
 a friend of my son-in-law will, I am sure, not 
 require ceremony." 
 
 " Assuredly not," said Daly. " I will just 
 top up with one glass of sherry, and betake my- 
 self to ' mine inn,' extremely glad to have seen 
 Gilbert happy, and to thank you for your hospi- 
 tality." Saying which, he rose from the table. 
 Wells rang the bell, and having cordially shaken 
 hands with both of us, the unreformed wag was 
 in a few minutes clear of the house. 
 
 END OF VOL. I. 
 
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