Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/packetforpopsyfaOOsimm A PACKET FOR POPSY A Farce=comedy in One Act BY EVELYN SIMMS PHILADELPHIA THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 1905 Copyright H>05 by The Penn Publishing Compa A Packet for Popsy A Packet for Popsy CAST OF CHARACTERS Gilbert Stevenson, - w/io is not so bad as he' s painted, James Ashley, - - a merry fugitive from justice. Barker, - very English, but representijig the majesty of American law, Mrs. Heckford, - mother-in-law, widow, and fiancee. COSTUMES Gilbert. Well dressed, — any costume suitable for after- noon. <' James. {At first entrance,^ Well dressed, afternoon cos- - tume, hat, gloves and cane. (^As a woman.) Handsome ^ afternoon dress, or tea-gown, with blonde wig. A quick i change will be necessary. ^ Barker. Policeman's uniform, and helmet. Mrs. Heckford. Dressed well, but rather fussily. She :r should appear about fifty, but dressed too young for her age. Street costume and large hat, with flowers. ^ Time of Playing: — About Fifty-five Minutes. 3 i A Packet for Popsy SCENE — Gilbert's study, furnished appropriately, corner cupboard l., at the back, writing-desk r. Door back, and door L. (Gilbert, standing near c, yawns and stretches himself.^ Gilbert. How on earth am I to spend the rest of this confoundedly long afternoon? I've read till I'm tired, slept till I'm tired, and worked at that wretched magazine article till I'm tired ! Wish Alice was at home. I de- clare, I've half a mind to go and see if there's anything on at the club Hallo ! (Sounds of great commotion outside. Enter James, hatlessy breathless, excited.^ James (panting^. I say, old chap, I'm in the dickens of a hole ! (amazed). Why, Jim ! What — on — earth? James. For goodness' sake, help me ! I've only got the start of him by five minutes or so. Gilbert. The start of him ? Of whom ? James. The policeman. He's after me ! Gilbert. The policeman ? My dear boy, you're rav- ing. James (rushing to door c, which he shuts, and back again in an agitated manner), I'm not. Never felt saner in my life. But he's after me, I tell you. For heaven's sake, lend me a change of rig ! Gilbert. I will, with pleasure, if you'll only explain yourself. Don't look so agitated. Sit down and take it easy. James. Take it easy with that fellow at my heels ? He'll 5 6 A PACKET FOR POPSY have me up for pocket-picking if he catches me. (Gilbert starts?) Surprised, aren't you? (^Laughs?) John Petley dared me to do it. We both mistook the old gentleman for my Uncle Henry, and I only discovered my error as he dis- covered my intentions. He was a hot-tempered old chap, and he yelled for the police. So, as I didn't know liim from Adam, and couldn't very well explain at the moment, I bolted, and the cop bolted too, after me ! When your house hove in sight, 1 made a dash for it, and here I am ! Gilbert {laughing heartily). I say, Jem, that's the best I've heard for a long time ! James. But my dear Gilbert, you don't seem to realize that the fellow's after me, and if he catches me I shall be locked up for stealing. Look here ! {Holds out small white packet.) Gilbert. You never took that out of his pocket ! James. I did. It was before I found out my mistake, and I never realized that I still had it till I began running. The old chap will be in a state when he misses it. (^Laughs.) How do you think it's addressed ? Gilbert. I don't know. How ? {^Holds out hand for packet. ) James. To my precious little Popsy." He looked old enough to have a little sense about such things, but one can never tell. Wonder who his little Popsy is. {^Thundering knock from outside.) There, I thought so ! For heaven's sake, lend me some clothes ! And hide that packet ! It may not be a very easy matter to clear myself if I'm caught. Gilbert {opening door, l.). Into the spare room, then. You know the way. The wardrobe is full of things, and you can borrow what you like. {Exit James hastily. Gilbert shuts door after him.) Now for some fun I I'm deuced glad I stayed at home, by Jove ! {Knock at door c. Gilbert slips packet into writing-table drawer. Enter policeman Barker. ) Barker. Good-afternoon, Mr. Stevenson. Sorry to dis- turb you, sir, but I'm on the track of a pickpocket, and I *ave reason to believe as 'e's took refuge in this 'ouse. Gilbert {astonished). A pickpocket? In my house? Barker. Yes, sir. And if you'll excuse me, sir, I'd like to look over the 'ouse to make sure. Them street thieves 'as to be punished, sir, and the only way to punish A PACKET FOR POPSY 7 'em is to catch 'em, and the only way to catch 'em is to look for 'em. So with your permission, Mr. Stevenson, I'll just walk through the 'ouse. {Looks round room.) Gilbert. Oh, by all means. He may be helping him- self to some of my possessions for all I know. Perhaps I'd better come with you. Barker. No necessity, sir. I shall do it quickest alone. Gilbert. Very well. But there is a friend of mine occupying the spare room — the second door on the left up- stairs. It will not be necessary to search there, I suppose ? Barker. I won't disturb no one, sir. There'll be no occasion to alarm your friend, nor your wife, sir, for that matter. And if you've no objection, sir, I'll go up at once. Gilbert. Oh, certainly. The sooner the better. {^Exit Barker, c.) Now this is something like ! I declare I feel deeply grateful to Jem for creating such an unusual diver- sion. It's so confoundedly dull without Alice. I might have told the fellow that my wife is away from home, but after all, it may prevent his poking about too much. (Sounds of commotion outside.) Hallo, what's up? {Walks hastily to door c , ivhich he flings open. Enter Mrs. Heckford with umbrella^ traveling bag, and various parcels. Aside.) Great guns ! My wife's mother ! Mrs. Heckford. Well, I've arrived I I told you I should give you a little surprise one of these days, and here lam. I propose to stay for a month, as I need a change of air, and I knew that my dear child would be longing to see me again. {Sharply.) Why don't you say you're glad to see me ? Gilbert (confused), I — I'm delighted ! But it's such a surprise ! Mrs. Heckford. H'm ! I must say your looks don't testify to your delight. That's what it is to be a mother-in- law ! Where's Alice ? Gilbert. Why, she's visiting some friends up in the state. Mrs. Heckford. Well, Gilbert, — I do think you might have let me know before allowing me to take this tedious journey to town. I've always told Alice what a thought- less young man you are. Gilbert. But I had no idea you were coming. Alice said she'd write and tell you where she was, but even she 8 A PACKET FOR POPSY never thought of your coming to town now. She ij going to be away for some time. (^Brightening.) It won't be very pleasant for you here without her, I'm afraid. Mrs. Heckford. Oh, indeed ! You don't mean to make it pleasant for me, don't you ? That's all the welcome I get from my own son-in-law ! That's all the reward I have for bestowing my only child upon you ! You don't mean to make it pleasant for me while I'm here, eh ? Don't you, indeed ? But don't imagine that that is going to turn me from my own daughter's house. No, Gilbert! I've come to stay, and stay I will. (Sits down. Gilbert looks at her, dismayed.^ My trunk is in the hall. I'he cabman brought it in for me, and one of the maids can take it up to the spare room. And by the way, why weren't the maids waiting in the hall to take these from me when I arrived ? {^Drops parcels, etc., on table.^ Gilbert. They didn't know you were coming. Why didn't you ring the bell ? Mrs. Heckford. Ring the bell? So that's it, is it ? I am not even to be allowed to enter my own daughter's house without being asked why I didn't ring the bell? As if I were a tramp, a nobody, a mere casual acquaintance, in- stead of your dear wife's own mother ! Fancy you, my own son-in-law, my dear daughter's husband, asking me why I didn't ring the bell ! Gilbert. But dear Mrs. Heckford, you don't under- stand. I only meant Mrs. Heckford. Oh, I know what you meant. I know too well indeed ! And don't you dear Mrs. Heckford " me, young man, if you please. As for telling me I don't understand ! H'm ! I've never had my intellect ques- tioned before, let me tell you. It was left for you, it seems, my own daughter's husband, to tell me I don't understand. When my dear husband was alive, he never dared to tell me I didn't understand. No, young man, he knew his place too well. Don't understand, indeed ! If Alice w^ere at home, she'd never allow her own mother to be insulted like this. Gilbert. I wish she were at home ! Mrs. Heckford. Of course. Trust a man to think of his own selfish wishes before his wife's pleasure. Really, Gilbert Gilbert. Well, really, Mrs. Heckford A PACKET FOR POPSY 9 {They look at each other ; she with gi^eat haughtiness, he with half -amused resignation.) Mrs. Heckford. Pray give orders at once for my trunk to be taken to the spare room. Gilbert. Certainly. I shall not be long. {Exit.) Mrs. Heckford. Impertinent, exasperating thing ! How can my darling child wear such a bright face when she has to put up with this creature ? Dear, brave, unselfish girl ! But I shall teach him a thing or two before she comes home. {Enter Barker. Mrs. Heckford rises with dignity.) Sir? Barker. Beg pardon, ma'am. I understood as Mr. Stevenson was in 'ere. Mrs. Heckford. No, he is not. Pray what do you want with Mr. Stevenson, I should like to know ? Barker. 'E knows why Pm 'ere, ma'am. A man as I'm after took refuge in this 'ouse; leastways I thought 'e did, but I can't find 'im. 'E's give me the slip some'ow, 'e 'as. Mrs. Heckford. And you actually mean to tell me that you have been searching this house ? — you, a common policeman, searching a gentleman's house? Well!!! I am surprised ! Barker. I was but doin' me duty, ma'am, and as for being a common policeman, Pd a deal ruther be a police- man than some folks, ma'am, begging your pardon, ma'am. A man 'as to do 'is duty and I didn't disturb no one. Even Mrs. Stevenson Mrs. Heckford {interrupting). Mrs. Stevenson ? Barker. Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Stevenson was up-slairs, and she Mrs. Heckford {interrupting, a^id with agitation). You need say no more, my good man. I can scarcely be- lieve what you tell me, and yet you look an honest sort of person. I presume you are speaking the truth. But your statement concerns — several persons. It has thrown an entirely new light upon the — the situation. I — I — really — 1 have been outrageously deceived ! Do you actually mean to tell me that you saw Mrs. Stevenson up-stairs? Barker. Yes, ma'ani, I did. {Whistling heard. Bar- ker looks relieved.) Ah, that is Mr. Stevenson. Mrs. Heckford. Then you had better see him first, 10 A PACKET FOR POPSY while I go and investigate matters. If I were to see him now, there might be — well, remarks made which it would be better for you not to hear. I shall have a few things to say to Mr. Gilbert Stevenson. [Exit hastily, l.) Barker. Thunder and smoke I (^Stares after her in astonishment.) What a blowing up to give a poor fellow just fer doin' 'is duty. Queer old party 1 Wonder 'oo she is ! (^Enter Gilbert.) Gilbert. Well, Barker, have you collared your man ? Barker. No, sir. *E's give me the slip some'ovv. But I'd best lose no time if I'm to track 'im, sir. [Moves to- ward door.') Gilbert. Oh, all right. I thought you wouldn't find him here. Good- afternoon. {Drops into easy chair, and lights cigarette.) Barker. Good-afternoon, sir. (^Exit c.) Gilbert. So Jim has escaped detection. Lucky beggar ! Wish 1 could escape from my amiable mother-in-law's de- lightful society. What in thunder brought the old lady to town to-day? Have I got to put up with her — alone — for a month ? A month ! Good heavens ! {Leans elbow on arm of chair and buries his face. Enter Mrs. Heckford, l.) Mrs. Heckford {nienacingly). Gilbert Radcliffe Mon- tague Stevenson ! Gilbert {starting tip). Hallo ! I didn't know you were there ! Mrs. Heckford. Then it's time you did know ! And it's also time you realized, Gilbert, that I am not a woman to be trifled with ! You have deceived me, outrageously deceived me ! (Gilbert tosses aside cigarette luith a re- sig?ied air, and stands with folded hands, looking at her.) How dare you lie to me, — me, your wife's own mother ? How dare you, sir, tell me that Alice is away from home, when she is here — here, Gilbert, in this very house ? Is this a plot to part me from my child? To A PACKET FOR POPSY Gilbert {interrupting). Oh, come, I say, draw it mild. Mrs. Heckford. Is that the proper way to address me? Another insult on the top of all this Gilbert. Look here, if you would give me time, I'd ex- plain. (Mrs. Heckford makes a movement to retort, but Gilbert eontinues.) I told you Alice was away, and she is away. What reason you have for supposing her to be at home, heaven only knows. I'm sure I don't. Mrs. Heckford. The policeman saw her ! Gilbert. What? Barker? Mrs. Heckford. Yes, Gilbert Stevenson, Barker, if that is his name. He seems a very honest sort of person, which is more than I can say of some others I know. (Gilbert /ooks puzzled, then he drops into a chair ^ shaking with laughter.) Gilbert. Oh, I say, this is rich, this is ! (Mrs. Heckford looks at him in angry indignation ^ while Gilbert continues to laugh. Enter James dressed as a woman, with wig, etc.) James. I say, Gilbert, old chap, the only things I could find {Sees Mrs. Heckford.) I beg your pardon, I thought Mr. Stevenson was alone. Mrs. Heckford. Alone, did you ? Alone ? You thought Mr. Stevenson was alone? Then he's not, he's not, 1 tell you. And I'd like to know what you want, com- ing to see Mr. Stevenson alone. Have you no maidenly modesty, you hussy, that you are so familiar with a married man, calling him by his Christian name, and walking into his private room as if you were in the habit of doing so? Perhaps you don't realize that Mr. Stevenson is a married man ! Perhaps you don't realize that I am his mother-in- law ! James (^folding his arms, and regarding her quizzically). So you are Gilbert Stevenson's mother-in-law, are you? Mrs. Heckford. Mr. Gilbert Stevenson, young woman, if you please. Now, Gilbert, I should like to know how you explain the presence of this — female ! Gilbert. To tell you the truth (James holds up a 0. C. ILL LiB. 12 A PACKET FOR POPSY warning hand.) She — she is a friend of mine. She didn't know Alice was away, did you, Jem ? James (^mischievously). Oh, indeed I did. That's why I came. (Gilbert scowls at him, shaking his Jisi.) Mrs. Heckford {excitedly). You came here, knowing that Ahce was away ? Really, my feelings are — are beyond expression. But I might have known it, I might have known it. You look bold enough for anything. {Sud- denly.) Is this the creature that Barker saw up-stairs, the — the person he mistook for Mrs. Stevenson ? Is it possible, Gilbert, that this — this female actually passed herself off as your wife, as my dear daughter Alice, as my child ? Is that why you were laughing just now, because you knew she was here, allowing Barker to believe that she was the mistress of the house, in that outrageous manner ? Is this the sort of thing that goes on when that poor girl is away ? Is this how you take advantage of her absence? {As Gilbert moves.) No, Gilbert, I will hear no excuses; for such conduct there can be no excuse ! James. Madame, if you will allow me Mrs. Heckford. Pray who asked you to speak ? Gil- bert, what did you say was the name of this young woman ? Jem ? Ridiculous name I Short for Jemima, I suppose. Well then, Jemima, if you consult my opinion, you will put on your hat, and leave this house at once. James [making a 7novement as if to embi^ace Gilbert who pushes him aside, scowling). Dear Gilbert, don't let her send me away. Gilbert {to James). Now, look here, none of that ! {To Mrs. Heckford.) Surely the master of a house is allowed to entertain his friends at his own discretion ? I believe I am the master of this house ! Mrs. Heckford. Of course ! I knew it ! I venture a suggestion, a simple suggestion, and you flare up and tell me you are the master of the house ! And this is the man my l)oor darling married I Ah, poor child, innocently enjoying her little holiday while you, her husband, are taking advan- tage of her absence to entertain this female. And you actually allow her to call you ^Mear"? And to appeal to you in that scandalous fashion? Gilbert, I congratulate myself upun my timely arrival. Little did I dream that I was com- A PACKET FOR POPSY 13 ing to this. (Sharply.) Has my trunk been taken up- stairs? Gilbert. Yes, I saw to that myself. You would like to go and take off your bonnet, perhaps, and rest a little ? (^Prepares to open door for her,) Mrs. Heckford. No, young man, you don't take me in. Want to get me up-stairs out of the way, do you ? Want to have a tete-a-tete with this Jemima, do you ? No, I shall not leave you alone. My bonnet can remain where it is, thank you. As for resting, I'll have rest enough when this female has gone. But I do think, Gilbert, I do think, that considering I've had a whole hour's journey to town, you might have offered me a little refreshment. Gilbert. I beg your pardon. I'm awfully sorry. I'll ring for some tea. {Moves toward bell.) Mrs. Heckford. Tea ? No, thank you ! That's so like you, Gilbert, to give me no choice. Do you suppose that you can order what I am to drink, even though you are the master of the house ? Tea I As if all this undue ex- citement hadn't made me sufficiently hot ! And then you suggest tea ! Gilbert. I'm extremely sorry. Perhaps a glass of water would be more cooling. Mrs. Heckford. Water ? Water indeed ! You offer me a glass of water for my refreshment ? Well, Gilbert ! James, Gilbert has some remarkably good cherry-bounce, you know. Would you like to try it? Tell you the truth, old boy, I wouldn't object to a drop myself. It would do my cold good. You must have noticed, Gilbert, how rough my voice is. {To Mrs. Heckford.) My throat has been so bad. The cold has quite altered my voice. {Seats himself on corner of table.) Mrs. Heckford {as Gilbert moves toivard cupboard). I will not allow it I I never heard of such scandalous be- havior ! Do you consider it proper, young woman, for you to come and drink cherry-bounce in the house of a married man when his wife is away ? Cold, indeed ! Nice excuse, that is ! (Gilbert produces glasses and decanter from cup- board.) Gilbert, I must insist on your refusing this per- son's outrageous request. 14 A PACKET FOR l>OPsY Gilbert. My dear Mrs. Heckford, 1 really cannot re- fuse. 1 owe it to my reputation as a host. (James pours out a glassful.^ James (to Mrs. Heckford). Will you have some ? No ? Then, madame, I have the honor to drink your health. (^Drinks. ) Mrs. Heckford. Don't dare to drink my health, you — you — you Gilbert. Mrs. Heckford, I cannot submit to having my guests treated in this manner. Mrs. Heckford. Of course ! That's just like you, Gil- bert. Preferring a mere guest, an interloper, a young — creature like this, to your own mother-in-law. James. Come, now, don't get upset. Gilbert isn't used to being scolded, you know. Alice never scolds him, and as for me, I'm far too fond of him ever to think of such a thing. Gilbert's too confoundedly nice to be scolded, aren't you, old boy? Got a cigarette about you, dear? (Mrs. Heckford Gilbert {retreating). No, look here, you'd better not James (^taking cigarette case and match-box from Gil- bert's pocket). Why not ? Unless our friend here objects ? {^Lights cigarette and begins to smoJze.) I trust you do not object to smoking, madame? For my part, I always find it a great soother for the nerves. (Gilbert frotvns.) But perhaps {sweetly) you are not troubled with nerves. What a blessing it would be to all us women if we had none ! I am a great sufferer from nerves. ( Continues smoking.) Mrs. Heckford. This surpasses everything ! There are no words in the English language strong enough to ex- press what I feel — nor even a quarter of what I feel. But this shall go on no longer if 1 can help it. I shall write for Alice to return immediately. {Opens writing desk.) No paper handy, of course. {Opens dra^ver^ sees packet.) Eh, what's this? {Takes it out.) '^To my precious little Popsy." (Wheels round, facing Gilbert.) Where did you get this ? Gilbert. That ? I know nothing about it, except that it certainly isn't mine. Mrs. Heckford. No, it certainly is not. On the con- trary, Gilbert Stevenson, it belongs to me ! A PACKET FOR POPSY 15 Gilbert utter amazeDtent^. You? James. Good heavens ! Gilbert. It can't be yours. It's not addressed to you. Mrs. Heckford. Yes, it is. He always calls me Popsy. Besides, it's his writing. Gilbert, Whose writing ? Do pray explain yourself. Mrs. Heckford. As if I weren't explaining fast enough. Do cultivate a little patience, Gilbert, and allow me to ex- plain in my own way. You put me off so. I really don't know what I was saying. Gilbert. I want to know whose writing it is. Mrs. Heckford. It's — it's from a gentleman I know very well — although I must say I am I think I will go up to my room now, and I will take this with me. After- ward I shall require some explanation as to how it came into your possession, Gilbert Stevenson. And as for you, Jemima, just let me catch you here when I return. {^Exit,) (Gilbert and James stare at each other ^ then burst out laughing. ) Gilbert. I declare I'd forgotten all about that packet. We are getting into a nice mess, we are. What on earth possessed you to choose those, of all garments ? James. My dear fellow, I had no choice. They were the first things I came to, and I hadn't much time. I did bless my lucky star, though, I can tell you, when I found this wig. Where on earth did you get it ? Gilbert. Oh, we had it in some private theatricals not long ago. (^He looks rt:/ James, laughing.^ It makes your disguise absolutely complete. And Barker never suspected ? James. Not in the least. It was the biggest lark I ever had. To tell you the truth, I'm thoroughly enjoying my- self, but I'm afraid I've rather scandalized your dear mother- in-law, my boy. Gilbert. I'm afraid you have. Don't go too far, for goodness' sake, or you'll land me into a nice hole. You've given her a fine opinion of me. James. Oh, she'll forgive you all right when you ex- plain. What I want to understand is this Popsy business. It looks quite tender. Can she be going to marry the old gentleman I robbed ? Gilbert. Looks like it. Hallo ! i6 A PACKET FOR POPSY {K7wck. Enter Barker.) Barker. Begging your pardon, ma'am, I've been told for certain as my man is in this 'ouse. And the maid, sir, as was talking to me on the area steps, says she saw some one up-stairs as didn't strictly belong 'ere. James. What? That horrid pickpocket still in the house? Oh, Gilbert, I feel so frightened. I can't bear to think he's here still. (guides face on Gilbert's shoulde7\ G\i.b^wt, f^^owning, shakes him off impatiently, then, as Barker looks at them, he puts his hand on James's shoulder.^ Gilbert. Don't worry yourself, my dear. I've no doubt Barker will have him yet. In any case, I — I am here to protect you. James {clifiging to hint). Darling Gilbert, how brave you are. I shan't be frightened if you are here. (Gilbert glares at him, but sets his teeth.) Barker. Missis a bit nervous, ain't she? But I'll soon 'ave 'im safe, see if I don't. The maid, she said it was a woman she seed, but there *ave been known cases where a man 'as disguised 'isself in female clothes. And this feller may 'ave done the same. James. Oh, Gilbert ! ! Perhaps he has borrowed some of my clothes; the horrid, horrid man ! Oh, oh, oh ! {Shudders, and again hides face on Gilbert's shoulder, Gilbert scowls furiously, but controls himself.^ Barker. If it's no offense to you, ma'am, nor to Mr. Stevenson, I'd like to search the 'ouse again. Gilbert. But I don't know that I care about having the house searched so often. You have been all over it once. Barker. Not quite, sir. There was the spare room as I didn't go into, which I should like to 'ave a look through, to make sure 'e ain't there. James. Do let him go, Gilbert. I shan't feel easy till that wretched man is found. I — I don't like the idea of his being here at all. Barker. No, ma'am, and I don't blame you. 'E must be caught, for I've 'ad word from the old gentleman as was robbed, that 'e took somethink walable. A small packet A PACKET FOR POPSY »7 containing jewelry, ma'am, addressed (Smiles behind his hand?) James. Well ? Barker. Begging your pardon, ma'am, for larfing. It was addressed to my precious little Popsy." And it con- tained a gold locket, 'eart- shaped, with a lady's monogram in pearls. Inside was a photygraph of the old gentleman, and a lock of 'is 'air. (Smiles agaiji, as do Gilbert and James at each other.) 'E didn't seem to want to give de- tails, sir, but I told 'im a ackkyrate description was neces- sary. And if you'll excuse me, ma'am, I'll just get this bit o' work over. Jam£S. And please be as quick as you can. I'm so nervous about thieves. (Exit Barker.) Hal-lo, Gilbert ! Gilbert. I say, you know, it's rather too bad of you to make such a fool of me before that fellow. James. My dear boy, don't you see that it was the best possible way of putting him off the scent? He certainly can't suspect me now. (Suddenly.) But I say, — Gilbert! Gilbert. Well? James. Your mother-in-law is in the spare room, and she's got that packet with her. Gilbert. She'll let him know who she is fast enough. I'd trust her for that. James. I wouldn't be in Barker's shoes, though, if he does make a mistake. For his own sake let's hope he won't. And for my sake I hope Mrs. Heckford won't come down again till he goes. It'll be rather rough on me if slie does. Gilbert. It will, by Jove ! I can't go on admitting to Barker that you are my wife, before my own mother-in-law. James (ruefully). It — it isn't quite so funny as I thought it was. I wish to goodness I were somewhere else. Gilbert. Look here, I'll go and see if the coast's clear, and if so, you can slip up to my room, change your rig, and *'git." James. And in the meantime ? Gilbert. Oh, you'll be all right. Barker won't return for a few minutes, and even if he does, you'll have no dif- ficulty in keeping up your character with him (laughs), after the way you've carried on. (Exit.) James (as Gilbert goes). But suppose Mrs. Heck- ford Oh, I say, he needn't have been in such a hurry. (Sits on table, looking worried.) Trapped, trapped, that's A PACKET FOR POPSY what I am! Suppose bis mother-in-law tells Barker • {Screams heard.') Hallo ! {Springing ///. ) He has never gone and arrested her! (More screams.) Does Barker actually believe that Mrs. Heckford is the thief in disguise? {Slaps thigh.) Then, by Jove, Til let him think so, and pay the old lady out for some of her kind remarks to me. {En- ter Mrs. Heckford and Barker.) What? Is this your man ? Oh, how thankful I am that you have caught him at last I But who would have thought it ? Mrs. Heckford {not heedi?ig ]amy.s). You villain, how dare you ? It's mine, I tell you, mine I I am Popsy. Barker {Jiolding opefi packet to7vard James). I found this 'ere parcel in the possession of this — this person, ma'am, in the spare room. Mrs. Heckford. This person ! Gilbert, how can you stand there and hear me called a person ? Gilbert ! {Looks round.) Why, where is he? James. He is not here, madame, — or should I say sir? — and that is all I can tell you as to his whereabouts. {Sweetly.) Do you wish to see him? Mrs. Heckford. What? Hasn't that female gone yet ? Your conduct, miss, strikes me as being somewhat suspicious. {To Barker.) My good man, I shouldn't vC^onder if this creature were the man you are after. James. Hallo, I like that ! {Laughs.) My dear ma- dame, or sir, do you know whom you are addressing ? Barker. This lady is Mrs. Stevenson. So you're a bit off your calculation to pretend as she's the one I'm after. None o' your little tricks with me, my good fellow ! Mrs. Heckford. Good fellow ? Good fellow, did you say? What right have you to address me in this manner? What right had you to come into my room and forcibly — I say forcibly Barker. Pardon me, madame, there was no force used. I was but doin' me duty and I didn't do it forcible. Mrs. Heckford. Will you allow me to speak, or will you not? I say forcibly. You forcibly took these things from me, and they are mine. Mine, I tell you. {Tries to take packet.) Barker. Not so fast, not so fast. We'll see 'oothey be- longs to when we gits you afore the old gentleman they was took from. Mrs. Stevenson, ma'am Mrs. Heckford {ijiterrupting). She is not Mrs. Steven- A PACKET FOR POPSY 19 son. Do you dare to insinuate that such a creature could be my child ? I tell you I am Mr. Stevenson's mother-in- law, and surely I ought to know my own daughter. 1 tell you she is not Mrs. Stevenson, and a more impudent hussy it has never been my lot to meet. James. You're a fine actor, my man. But your denial of my identity can only count against you, I assure you, and I strongly advise you to keep calm. Great agitation, you know, can only detract from your appearance, though I must say that considering you are in disguise you really look very creditable. You seem to have had no hesitation in help- ing yourself to other people's garments. (^Comes suddenly nearer.) Barker ! This — this person has actually appro- priated my best bonnet ! Mrs. Heckford. Your best bonnet ! I paid fifteen dollars for it myself not three weeks ago. I James (^interrupting). Come, come ! Think what you are saying. No tarradiddles to me, if you please. It's a bit too much for you to lay claim to my clothes in that as- sertive fashion. (Mrs. Heckford makes a movement as if to speak, but James continues.) Barker, Mr. Stevenson will be back directly, but in the meantime will you kindly sum up the evidence against this — ah ! — person? Mrs. Heckford {as Barker moves to reply). I repeat that I am Gilbert Stevenson's mother-in-law. How dare you address me as if I were a common thief? Pray call Mr. Stevenson at once, or I will. {Moves toward door.) Barker (^putting his back against it). No you don't, my fine fellow. Mr. Stevenson '11 be 'ere time enough. The evidence, ma'am Mrs. Heckford {interrupting). I tell you I am his mother-in-law ! James. Keep calm, keep calm. (7^? Barker.) A little wanting, perhaps. A slight mental delusion, which perhaps may account for the theft. {To Mrs. Heckford.) No, you really must not interrupt so often. It is far better for you to keep calm. (T^^^ Barker.) Pray continue ! Barker. You see, ma'am, I met this — this person afore, alone in this room, and 'er talk struck me as bein' ^ bit queer, likewise the 'aste she showed in takin' herself off when we 'eard Mr. Stevenson comin'. I didn't search the spare room the first time I came, bein' as Mr. Stevenson said 'e 'ad a friend there^ but the second time I found thi§ 20 A PACKET FOR POPSY — person with this *ere {Jiolding out packet) j and I drew the only natural conclusions. Of course if you tell me, ma'am, as this — lady — is the friend Mr. Stevenson meant, which don't look probable on the face of it, I'll own my mis- take. James. Do you think it possible. Barker, that Mr. Ste- venson could be on friendly terms with this — female? Or that he would dare to entertain in my house a — er — a lady unknown to me ? Certainly this is not the person he meant. His friend has — er — gone out. Mrs. Heckfurd. How dare you make such outrageous statements, such James (interrupting coolly to Barker). And how does this — ah ! — person defend ha — or his — statement as to the ownership of die packet ? Mrs. Heckford. Do you think I would demean myself by giving any explanation to you, you hussy? Do you dare to say that I am not on friendly terms with my own son-in-law? Do you dare to call me a female? (Quivers zuith rage?) Do you dare to stand by and calmly admit these outrageous falsehoods against me ? Here am I, ar- rested in my own daughter's house as a common thief! I tell you {to Barker), I am Mrs. Heckford, soon to become Mrs. Fowler. That locket is a present to me from Mr. Fowler. The letter inside will prove it, or the gentleman himself will. Barker. Wait a bit now. The gentleman's name is Fowler, sure as anything. Mrs. Stevenson, please ma'am, I wish I could see your 'usband. James. Yes, his presence would certainly throw some light on the subject, one way or the other. I'll ask him to come in. It's a curious affair. Barker, very curious. (Exit?) Mrs. Heckford {excitedly). That's your man, I'm sure of it. She is no more Mrs. Stevenson than I am. Barker. I ain't agoin' to be put off onto no false tracks by you, my man, till Mr. Stevenson 'as proved 'oo you are. You 'old your 'orses till 'e comes. You can tell your little fairy tale to the magistrate, but you don't bluff me. No, sir ! Mrs. Heckford. You impudent, vulgar, obnoxious scoundrel ! You — you — you Barker. Same to you, my fine fellow, same to you. I A PACKET FOR POPSY 21 admires your vocabulary, I do indeed ! (Mrs. Heckford moves toward door. ^ No, if you please; you stay where you are. You don't stir out o' this room till I takes you. Mrs. Heckforu. Wait till nay son-in-law comes ! Barker. Oh, I'll wait all right. I'na in no 'urry. {Enter Gilbert.) I've got 'im, Mr. Stevenson, but 'e's a 'andful, 1 can tell you. Mrs. Heckford. Gilbert 1 He has insulted me beyond pardon. He— he has agitated me so that I hardly know what I'm saying. Tell him who I am. Gilbert. Surely, Barker, you have not mistaken my mother-in-law for a — a pickpocket ? Barker (agitated). Mr. Stevenson, you— you don't mean to tell me as this — this — this lady 'as bin tellin' me the truth, sir ? Mrs. Heckford. Truth? I should hke to know what else I've been telling you. Now I hope you'll believe me ! Now I hope you're sorry you didn't take my advice and ar- rest the real thief. That creature, whom you insulted me by supposing to be my daughter, Mrs. Stevenson, is now, I presume, safely out of your reach, owing to your unpardon- able stupidity. Barker (Jo Gilbert). But surely, sir, that lady is your wife ? Gilbert. My wife is away from home. That — person is a friend of mine, Mr. James Ashley, who disguised him- self to put you off the track. No, Barker, it's no use going after him now. Let me explain. Mrs. Heckford. And you actually mean to tell me, Gilbert, that a pickpocket passed himself off as your wife, and that you allowed it ? Well, I must say ! Gilbert. Pray let me explain. Mr. Ashley was dared by a friend to pick the pocket of an old gentleman whom both mistook to be my friend's uncle. He discovered his error too late, and ran for it, with you, Barker, after him. He took refuge in this house, disguised himself in the clothes you saw, and meeting you up-stairs and being mis- taken for Mrs. Stevenson, passed himself off as my wife. He could scarcely have done otherwise under the circum- stances. The packet I hid for him, while you searched, in the writing-table drawer, where it was discovered by my mother-in-law, who claims it as hers. Mrs. Heckford. It is mine. I tell you I am engaged 22 A PACKET FOR POPSY to be married to Mr. Henry Fowler, the gentleman from whom it was stolen. The truth of my statement can very easily be proved. And I may as well tell you, Gilbert, that in the letter which was round the box, my dear Wopsy (I — I — call him Wopsy), says he cannot wait any longer. We shall announce our engagement at once, and the wed- ding is to take place in three weeks. So I shall have to return home immediately. I am sorry, my dear Gilbert, to disap- point you of my visit, but you see {coquettishly)^ Wopsy won't wait. Gilbert. Of course, I quite understand. Pray accept my heartiest congratulations. As for you, Barker, I sup- pose you will be obliged to return the packet to Mr. Fowler. Barker. Yes, sir, I shall do so at once. And about the young gentleman as robbed 'im Gilbert. He has gone, and I advise you not to follow him. You must take my word for it that the whole thing was a joke. If you insist on trying to follow him, I shall let it be known that you were w^ith him in this very room, and couldn't take him. So you had better let him alone. Barker. I will, sir. I've got the packet, which is the most important thing. And I can only add, ma'am {to Mrs. Heckford), that I begs your pardon for any offense given. And I 'opes you'll consider it was only my zeal for duty as led me to mistake the appearance of a lady. Mrs. Heckford. H'm ! I hope it will teach you a les- son. You had better go now, my good man. Barker. Good-afternoon, ma'am. Sorry to have caused you any inconvenience, Mr. Stevenson. Good-day, sir. {Exit. ) Mrs. Heckford. Gilbert, I am going straight to Mr. Fowler to claim that locket. Gilbert. Won't you wait for dinner? Mrs. Heckford. Dinner, indeed ? As if I cared for nothing but eating ! No, thank you. I shall dine with Wopsy. Good-bye, Gilbert. I am glad to find, after all, that you are not given to entertaining stray females. But I didn't really think you such a villain, you dear boy. There, you may give me a kiss if you like. (Gilbert does so in a gingerly fashion.) Good-bye. Gilbert. Good-bye, Mrs. Heckford. I hope the next time you come, it will be pleasanter for you. I am sorry I A PACKET FOR POPSY 23 had to deceive you so, but you see I was obliged to stand u[) for Jem, — or Jemima. Mrs. Heckford. You sly rogue ! But don't apologize, dear boy. I feel so happy when 1 think of dear Wopsy that I can forgive anything. Good-bye, Gilbert, dear. By the way, you might have my trunk sent to the station for me. It will save me a little trouble, and I shall leave for home to-night. What an exciting afternoon I've had ! Well, well, I really must go. Good-bye once more, dear child. (Gilbert opens door for her?) Gilbert. Good-bye. i^Exit Mrs. Heckford.) Well, this is the best afternoon I've had for a long time ! The next thing, I suppose, will be a wedding present for mamma- in-law ! curtain Practical Elocution By J. W. Sh(3Emaker, A. M. 300 pages Cloth, Leather Back, $1.25 This work is the outgrowlh of actual class-room experience, and is a practical, common -sense treatment of the whole subject. It is clear and concise, yet comprehensive, and is absolutely free from the entangling technicalities that are so frequently found in books of this class. Conversation, which is the basis of all true Elocution, is regarded as embracing all the germs of speech and action. Prominent attention i.s therefore given to the cultivation of this the most common form of human ex- pression. leneral principles and practical processes are pre- bv^xited for the cultivation of strength, purity, and flexi- bility of Voice, for the improvement of distinctness and correctness in Articulation, and for the development of Soul power in delivery. The work includes a systematic treatment of Gesture in its several departments of position, facial expression, and bodily movement, a brief system of Gymnastics bearing upon vocal development and grace of move- ment, and also a chapter on Methods of Instruction, for teachers. Sold by all booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon receipt of price. 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