'LIBR.AR.Y OF THE UN 1VER5ITY Of ILLINOIS x825 l(>i^' ^\ \A 41 Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2010 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign http://www.archive.org/details/petersimple01mar PETER SIMPLE. VOL. I. PETER SIMPLE ^ .'7 BY THE AUTHOR OF NEWTON FOSTER," "THE KING'S OWN," &c. IN THREE VOLUMES. VOL. I. LONDON: SAUNDERS AND OTLEY, CONDUIT STREET. 1834. LONDON: IBOISON AND PALMER, PRINTERS, SAVOV STREET, STRAXD. CONTENTS. VOL. I. CHAPTER I. The great advantage of being the fool of the family — My destiny is decided, and I am consigned to a stock- broker as part of his Majesty's sea stock — Unfortu- nately for me Mr Handycock is a bear, and I get very little dinner Page 1 CHAPTER II. Fitting out on the shortest notice — Fortunately for me, this day Mr. Handycock is a bear, and I fare very well — I set off for Portsmouth — Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast — He is disguised with liquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with in my journey 14 CHAPTER III. I am made to look very blue at the Blue Posts — Find wild spirits around^ and^ soon aftei*^ hot spirits IV CONTENTS, within me ; at length_, my spirits overcome me — Call to pay my respects to the Captain,, and find that I had had the pleasure of meeting him before — No sooner out of one scrape than into another. . 2.5 CHAPTER IV. I am taught on a cold mornings before breakfast, how to stand fire, and thus prove my courage — After breakfast I also prove my gallantry — My proof meets reproof — "Woman at the bottom of all mischief — By one I lose my liberty, and, by another, my money. 38 CHAPTER V. I am introduced to the quarter-deck, and first lieu- tenant, who pronounces me very clever — Trotted below to Mrs. Trotter — Connubial bliss in a cock-pit — Mr. Trotter takes me in, as a messmate — Feel very much surprised that so many people know that I am the son of— my father. ... 49 CHAPTER VI. Puzzled with very common words— Mrs. Trotter takes care of my wardrobe — a matrimonial duet, ending con strepito 62 CHAPTER VII. Scandalum magnatum clearly proved — I prove to the captain that I consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I prove to the mid- CONTENTS. V shipmen that I am a gentleman myself — They prove their gratitude by practising upon me, because practice makes perfect. . . . . 76 CHAPTER VIII. My messmates show me the folly of running in debt — Duty carried on politely — I become acquainted with some gentlemen of the Home Department — The Episode of Sholto M^Foy 89 CHAPTER IX. We post up to Postdown Fair — Consequence of dis- turbing a lady at supper — Natural afTection of the Pelican, proved at my expense — Spontaneous com- bustion at Ranelagh Gardens — Pastry versus Piety — Many are bid to the feast ; but not the halt, the lame, or the blind. ..... 106 CHAPTER X. A Pressgang beaten off by one woman — Dangers at at Spit-head and Point — A treat for both parties of jrulled-chicken, at my expense — Also gin for twenty — I am made a prisoner ; escape and rejoin my ship 123 CHAPTER XI. O'Brien takes me under his protection — The ship's company are paid, so are the bumboat. women, the Jews, and the emancipationist after a fashion — We go to sea— Doctor O'Brien's cure for sea-sickness One P^^^ o^ ^^6 Doctor's more than a dose. 138 VI CONTENTS. CHAPTER XII. New theory of Mr. Muddle remarkable for having no end to it — Novel practice of - Mr. Chucks — O'Brien commences his history — There were giants in those davs — I bring up the master's night glass. 150 CHAPTER XIII. The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, his prescriptions consisting oidraughts only — O'Brien finishes the history of his life, in which the proverb of " the more the merrier" is sadly disproved — Shipping a new pair of boots causes the unshipping of their owner — Walking home after a ball, O'Brien meets with an accident 177 CHAPTER XIV. The first lieutenant has more patients— Mr. Chucks the Boatswain lets me into the secret of his gentility. 199 CHAPTER XV. I go on service and am made prisoner by an old lady, who, not able to obtain my hand, takes part of my finger as a token — O'Brien rescues me — A lee-shore and narrow escape 225 CHAPTER XVI. News from home — A fatigue party employed at Gi- braltar — More particulars in the life of Mr. Chucks — A brush with the enemy — A court-martial and a lasting impression 250 CONTENTS. Vll CHAPTER XVII. Mr. Chucks' opinion on proper names — He finishes his Spanish tale — March of intellect among the Warrant Officers 279 CHAPTER XVIII. I go away on service, am wounded and taken prisoner with O'Brien — Diamond cut diamond between the O'Briens — Get into comfortable quarters — My first interview with Celeste. . . . . 297 CHAPTER XIX. We remove to very unpleasant quarters — Birds of a feather won't always flock together — O'Brien cuts a a cutter's midshipman, and gets a taste of French steel — Altogether Jlat work — A walk into the in- terior 315 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER I. The great advantage of being the fool of the family — My destiny is decided, and I am consigned to a stock- broker as part of his Majesty's sea stock — Unfortu- nately for me Mr Handycock is a hear, and I get very little dinner. If I cannot narrate a life of adventurous and daring exploits, fortunately I have no heavy crimes to confess; and, if I do not rise in the esti- mation of the reader for acts of gallantry and devotion in my country's cause, at least I may claim the merit of zealous and persevering continuance in my vocation. We are all of us variously gifted from Above, and he, who is content to walk, instead of to run, on his allotted PETER SIMPLE. path through life, although he may not so rapidly attain the goal, has the advantage of not being out of breath upon his arrival. Not that I mean to infer that my life has not been one of adventure. I only mean to say, that in all which has occured, I have been a passive, rather than an active, personage ; and, if events of interest are to be recorded, they certainly have not been sought by me. As well as I can recollect and analyze my early propensities, I think that, had I been permitted to select my own profession, I should in all probability have bound myself apprentice to a tailor ; for I always envied the comfortable seat which they appeared to enjoy upon the shopboard, and their elevated position, which enabled them to look down upon the constant succession of the idle or the busy, who passed in review before them in the main street of the country town, near to which I passed the first fourteen years of my existence. But my father, who was a clergyman of the Church of England, and the youngest brother of a noble family, had a lucrative living, and a PETER SIMPLE. " soul above buttons," if his son had not. It has been from time immemorial the heathenish custom to sacrifice the greatest fool of the family to the prosperity and naval superiority of the country, and, at the age of fourteen, I was selected as the victim. If the custom be judi- cious, I had no reason to complain. There was not one dissentient voice, when it was proposed before all the varieties of my aunts and cousins, invited to partake of our new year''s festival. I was selected by general acclamation. Flattered by such an unanimous acknowledgment of my qualification, and a stroke of my father's hand down my head which accompanied it, I felt as proud|, and, alas ! as unconscious as the calf with gilded horns, who plays and mumbles with the flowers of the garland which designates his fate to every one but himself. I even felt, or thought I felt, a slight degree of military ardour, and a sort of vision of future grandeur yjassed before me, in the distant vista of which I per- ceived a coach with four horses and a service of plate. It was, however, driven away before I could decipher it, by positive bodily pain, oc- B 2 4 PETER SIMPLE. casioned by my elder brother Tom, who, having been directed by my father to snufF the candles, took the opportunity of my abstraction to insert a piece of the still ignited cotton into my left ear. But as my story is not a very short one, I must not dwell too long on its commencement. I shall therefore inform the reader, that my father, Vvho lived in the north of England, did not think it right to fit me out at the country town, near to which we resided; but about a fortnight after the decision which I have referred to, he forwarded me to London on the outside of the coach, with my best suit of bottle-green and six shirts. To prevent mistakes, I was booked in the way-bill " to be delivered to Mr. 'Mmias Handycock, No. 14, St. ClementVlane — carriage paid.'' My parting with the family was very affecting ; my mother cried bitterly, for, like all mothers, she liked the greatest fool which she had presented to my father, better than all the rest ; my sisters cried because m}' mother cried; Tom roared for a short time more loudly than all the rest, having been chastised by my father for breaking his fourth window in PETER SIMPLE. that week ; — during all which, my father walked up and down the room with impatience, because he was kept from his dinner, and, like all or- thodox divines, he was tenacious of the only sensual enjoyment permitted to his cloth. At last I tore myself away. I had blubbered till my eyes were so red and swollen, that the pupils were scarcely to be distinguished, and tears and dirt had veined my cheeks like the marble of the chimney-piece. My handkerchief was soaked through with wiping my eyes and blowing my nose, before the scene was over. My brother Tom, with a kindness which did hoj^ur to his heart, exchanged his for mine, sa^g with fraternal regard, " Here, Peter, take mine, it's as dry as a bone." But my father would not wait for a second handkerchief to perform its duty. He led me away through the hall, when, having shaken hands with all the men and kissed all the maids, who stood in a row with their aprons to their eyes, I quitted my paternal roof. The coachman accompanied me to the place from whence the stage was to start. Having 6 PETER SIMPLE. seen me securely wedged between two fat old women, and having put my parcel inside, he took his leave, and, in a few minutes I was on my road to London. I was too much depressed to take notice of any thing during my journey.. When we arrived in London, they drove to the Blue Boar (in a street, the name of which I have forgotten.) I had never seen or heard of such an animal, and certainly it did appear very formidable ; its mouth was open and teeth very large. What surprised me still more was to observe that its teeth and hoofs were of pure gold. Who knows, thought I, that in some of the strange countries which I am doomed to visit, but that I may fall in with, and shoot one of these terrific monsters ? with what haste shall I select those precious parts, and wath what joy should I, on my return, pour them as an offering of filial affection into my mother's lap ! — and then, as I thought of my mother, the tears again gushed into my eyes. The coachman threw his whip to the ostler, and the reins upon the horses' backs ; he then PETER SIMPLE. dismounted, and calling to me, " Now, young gentleman, I'se a-waiting," he put a ladder up for me to get down by ; then turning to a porter, he said to him, " Bill, you must take this here young gem'man and that ere parcel to this here direction Please to remember the coachman. Sir.'' I replied that I certainly would, if he wished it, and walked off with the porter ; the coachman observing, as I went away, *' Well, he is a fool — that's sartain." I arrived quite safe at St. Clement's-lane, when the porter re- ceived a shilling for his trouble from the maid v/ho let me in, and I was shown up into a parlour, where I found myself in company with Mrs. Handy cock. Mrs. Handy cock was a little meagre woman, who did not speak very good English, and who appeared to me to employ the major part of her time in bawling out from the top of the stairs to the servants below. I never saw her either read a book or occupy herself with needle-work, during the whole time I was in the house. She had a large grey parrot, and I really cannot tell which screamed the worse of the two — but slie PETER SIMPLE. was very civil and kind to me, and asked me ten times a-day when I had last heard of my grand- father, Lord Privilege. I observed that she always did so if any company happened to call in during my stay at her house. Before I had been there ten minutes, she told me that she "hadored sailors — they were the defendiours and preserviours of their kings and countries," and that " Mr. Handycock would be home by four o'clock, and then we should go to dinner." Then she jumped off her chair to bawl to the cook from the head of the stairs — " Jemima, Jemima ! — ve '11 ha'e the viting biled instead of fried." " Ca'n't, marm," replied Jemima, " they be all begged and crumbed, with their tails in their mouths."" " Veil, then, never mind, Jemima," replied the lady. " Don't put your finger into the parrot's cage, my love — ^he's apt to be cross with strangers. Mr. Handycock will be home at four o'clock, and then we shall have our dinner. Are you fond of viting ?" As I was very anxious to see Mr. Handycock, and very anxious to have my dinner, I was not sorry to hear the clock on the stairs strike four;. PETER SIMPLE. \) when Mrs. Handycock again jumped up, and put her head over the banisters, " Jemima, Jemima, it's four o'clock !" " I hear it, marm,"" replied the cook ; and she gave the frying-pan a twist, which made the hissing and the smell come flying up into the parlour, and made me more hungry than ever. Rap, tap, tap ! " There's your master, Jemima," screamed the lady. " I hear him, marm," replied the cook. " Run down, my dear, and let Mr. Handycock in," said his wife. '* He'll be so surprised at seeing you open the door." I ran down as Mrs. Handycock desired me, and opened the street-door. " Who the devil are you .?" in a gruff voice, cried Mr. Handy- cock ; a man about six feet high, dressed in blue cotton-net pantaloons and Hessian boots, with a black coat and waistcoat. I was a little rebuffed, I must own, but I replied that I was Mr. Simple. " And pray, Mr. Simple, what would your grandfather say if he saw you now ? I have servants in plenty to open my door, and the parlour is the proper place for young gentle- men." B 5 10 PETER SIMPLE. " Law, Mr. Handycock," said his wife, from the top of the stairs, " how can you be so cross ? I told him to open the door to surprise you." '* And you have surprised me," replied he, " with your cursed folly." While Mr. Handycock was rubbing his boots on the mat, I went up stairs rather mortified, I must own, as my father had told me that Mr. Handycock was his stock-broker, and would do all he could to make me comfortable; indeed, he had written to that effect in a letter, which my father showed to me before I left home. When I returned to the parlour, Mrs. Handy- cock whispered to me, " Never mind, my dear, it's only because there's something wrong on 'Change. Mr. Handycock is a Sear just now." I thought so too, but I made no answer, for Mr. Handycock came up stairs, and walking with two strides from the door of the parlour to the fire-place, turned his back to it, and lifting up his coat-tails, began to whistle. " Are you ready for your dinner, my dear ?'' said the lady, almost trembling. " If the dinner is ready for me. 1 believe PETER SIMPLE. 11 we usually dine at four," answered her husband gruffly. "•' Jemima, Jemima, dish up ! do you hear, Jemima.?" "Yes, marm," replied the cook, " directly I've thickened the butter ;" and Mrs. Handycock resumed her seat, with, " Well, Mr. Simple, and how is your grandfather. Lord Privilege .?" *' He is quite well, ma'am," answered I, for the fifteenth time at least. But dinner put an end to the silence which followed this remark. Mr. Handycock lowered his coat- tails and walked down stairs, leaving his wife and me to follow at our leisure. " Pray, ma'am,"" inquired I, as soon as he was out of hearing, " what is the matter with Mr. Handycock, that he is so cross to you ?" " Vy, my dear, it is one of the misfortunes of matermony, that ven the husband's put out, the vifeis sure to have her share of it. Mr. Handy- cock must have lost money on 'Change, and then he always comes home cross. Ven he vins, then he is as merry as a cricket." " Are you people coming down to dinner .?" 12 PETER SIMPLE. roared Mr. Handycock from below. ^'Yes, my dear," replied the lady, " I thought that you were washing your hands." We descended into the dining-room, where we found that Mr. Handycock had already devoured two of the whitings, leaving only one on the dish for his wife and me. " Vould you like a little bit of viting, my dear ?" said the lady to me, " It's not worth halving,'' observed the gentleman, in a surly tone, taking up the fish with his own knife and fork, and putting it on his plate. " Well, I'm so glad you like them, my dear/' replied the lady meekly ; then turning to me, *' there's some nice roast weal coming, my dear." The veal made its appearance, and fortunately for us, Mr. Handycock could not devour it all. He took the lion's share, nevertheless, cutting off all the brown, and then shoving the dish over to his wife to help herself and me. I had not put two pieces in my mouth before Mr. Handy- cock desired me to get up and hand him the porter-pot, which stood on the sideboard. I thought that if it was not right for me to open PETER SIMPLE. 13 a door, neither was it for me to wait at table — but I obeyed him without making a remark. After dinner, Mr. Handy cock went down to the cellar for a bottle of wine. '* O deary me," exclaimed his wife, " he must have lost a mint of money — we had better go up stairs and leave him alone ; he'll be better after a bottle of port, perhaps." I was very glad to go away, and being very tired, I went to bed without any tea, for Mrs. Handy cock dared not venture to make it before her husband came up stairs. 14 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER II. Fitting- out on the shortest notice — Fortunately for me, this day Mr. Handycock is a bear, and I fare very well — I set off for Portsmouth— Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast — He is disguised with liquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with in my journey. The next morning Mr. Handycock appeared to be in somewhat better humour. One of the linendrapers who fitted out cadets, &c. " on the shortest notice," was sent for, and orders given for my equipment, which Mr. Handycock in- sisted should be ready on the day afterwards, or the articles would be left on his hands ; adding, that my place was already taken in the Ports- mouth coach. " Really, sir," observed the man, " I'm afraid — on such very short notice " PETER SIMPLE. 15 "Your card says, 'the shortest notice,' " re- joined Mr. Handycock, with the confidence and authority of a man who is enabled to correct another by his own assertions. '* If you do not choose to undertake the work, another will." This silenced the man, who made his pro- mise, took my measure, and departed, and soon afterwards Mr. Handycock also quitted the house. What with my grandfather and the parrot, and Mrs. Handycock wondering how much money her husband had lost, running to the head of the stairs and talking to the cook, the day passed away pretty well till four o'clock ; when, as be- fore, Mrs. Handycock screamed, the cook screamed, the parrot screamed, and Mr. Handy- cock rapped at the door, and was let in — but not by me. He ascended the stairs with three bounds, and coming into the parlour, cried, " Well, Nancy, my love, how are you .?" Then stooping over her, '' Give me a kiss, old girl. I'm as hungry as a hunter. Mr. Simple, how do you do ? I hope you have passed the morning agree- ably. I must wash my hands and change my 16 PETER SIMPLE. boots, my love ; I am not fit to sit down to table with you in this pickle. Well, Polly, how are you ?" " I'm glad you're hungry, my dear, I've such a nice dinner for you," replied the wife, all smiles. " Jemima, be quick and dish up — Mr. Handycock is so hungry."' " Yes, marm," replied the cook ; and Mrs. Handycock followed her husband into his bed- room on the same floor, to assist him at his toilet. " By Jove, Nancy, the hulls have been nicely taken in,"" said Mr. Handycock, as we sat down to dinner. " O I am so glad !" replied his wife, giggling ; and so I believe she was, but why I did not un- derstand. " Mr. Simple," said he, " will you allow me ' to offer you a little fish .^" " If you do not want it all yourself, sir," replied I politely. Mrs. Handycock frowned and shook her head at me, while her husband helped me. " My dove, a bit of fish .?" PETER SIMPLE. 17 We both had our share to-day, and I never saw a man more polite than Mr. Handycock. He joked with his wife, asked me to drink wine with him two or three times, talked about my grandfather ; and, in short, we had a very plea- sant evening. The next morning all my clothes came home, but Mr. Handycock, who still continued in good humour, said that he would not allow me to travel by night, that I should sleep there and set off the next morning ; which I did at six o'clock, and before eight I had arrived at the Elephant and Castle, where we stopped for a quarter of an hour. I was looking at the paint- ing representing this animal with a castle on its back ; and assuming that of Alnwick, which I had seen, as a fair estimate of the size and weight of that which he carried, was attempting to enlarge my ideas so as to coTuprehend the stupendous bulk of the elephant, when I ob- served a crowd assembled at the corner ; and asking a gentleman who sat by me in a plaid cloak, whether there was not something very uncommon to attract so many people, he re- 18 PETER SIMPLE. plied, " Not very, for it was only a drunken sailor/' I rose from my seat, which was on the hinder part of the coach, that I might see him, for it was a new sight to me, and excited my curiosity ; when to my astonishment he staggered from the crowd, and swore that he'd go to Portsmouth. He climbed up by the wheel of the coach, and sat down by me. I believe that I stared at him very much, for he said to me, " What are you gaping at, you young sculping ? Do you want to catch flies ? or did you never see a chap half seas over before ?" I replied, " that I had never been at sea in my life, but that I was going." "Well, then, youVe like ayoung bear, all your sorrows to come — that's all, my hearty," replied he. "When you get on board, you'll find monkey's allowance — more kicks than half-pence. I say, you pewter-carrier, bring us another pint of ale." The waiter of the inn, who was attending the coach, brought out the ale, half of which the sailor drank, and the other half threw into the PETER SIMPLE. 19 waiter's face, telling him that was his " allow- ance ; and now," said he, " what's to pay ?" The waiter, who looked very angry, but ap- peared too much afraid of the sailor to say any thing, answered fourpence ; and the sailor pulled out a handful of bank-notes, mixed up with gold, silver, and coppers, and was picking out the money to pay for his beer, when the coachman, who was impatient, drove off. " There's cut and run," cried the sailor, thrusting all the money into his breeches pocket. " That's what you'll learn to do, my joker, before you have been two cruizes to sea." In the meantime, the gentleman in the plaid cloak, who was seated by me, smoked his cigar without saying a word. I commenced a con- versation with him relative to my profession, and asked him whether it was not very difficult to learn. " Lam,'" cried the sailor, interrupting us, " no ; it may be difficult for such chaps as me before the mast to larn, but you, I presume, is a reefer, and they an't got much to larn, 'cause why, they pipeclays their weekly ac- 20 PETER SIMPLE. counts, and walks up and down with their hands in their pockets. You must larn to chaw baccy, drink grog, and call the cat a beggar, and then you knows all a midshipman's expected to know now-a-days. Ar'n't I right, sir .?" said the sailor, appealing to the gentleman in a plaid cloak. " I axes you, because I see you're a sailor by the cut of your jib. Beg pardon, sir," continued he, touching his hat, " hope no offence." " I am afraid that you have nearly hit the mark, my good fellow," replied the gentleman. The drunken fellow then entered into con- versation with him, stating that he had been paid off from the Audacious at Portsmouth, and had come up to London to spend his money with his messmates ; but that yesterday he had discovered that a Jew at Portsmouth had sold him a seal as gold, for fifteen shillings, which proved to be copper, and that he was going back to Portsmouth to give the Jew a couple of black eyes for his rascality, and that when he had done that, he was to return to his messmates, who had promised to drink sue- PETER SIMPLE. 21 cess to the expedition at the Cock and Bottle, St. Martin's Lane, until he should return. The gentleman in the plaid cloak commended him very much for his resolution : for he said, '* that although the journey to and from Ports- mouth would cost twice the value of a gold seal, yet, that in the end it might be worth a Jew'^s eye.'"' What he meant I did not com- prehend. Whenever the coach stopped, the sailor called for more ale, and always threw the remainder which he could not drink into the face of the man who brought it out for him, just as the coach was starting off, and then tossed the pewter pot on the ground for him to pick up. He became more tipsy every stage, and the last from Portsmouth, when he pulled out his money, he could find no silver, so he handed down a note, and desired the waiter to change it. The waiter crumpled it up and put it in his pocket, and then returned the sailor the change for a one-pound note: but the gentleman in the plaid had observed that it was a five-pound note which the sailor had given, and insisted 22 PETER SIMPLE. upon the waiter producing it, and giving the proper change. The sailor took his money, which the waiter handed to him, begging pardon for the mistake, although he coloured up very much at being detected. " I really beg your pardon,"" said he again, " it was quite a mistake ;^'' whereupon the sailor threw the pewter pot at the waiter, saying, " I really beg your pardon too,'" — and with such force, that it flattened upon the man's head, who fell sense- less on the road. The coachman drove off, and I never heard whether the man was killed or not. After the coach had driven off, the sailor eyed the gentleman in the plaid cloak for a minute or two, and then said, " When I first looked at you I took you for some officer in mufti ; but now that I see you look so sharp after the rhino, it's my idea that you're some poor devil of a Scotchman, mayhap second mate of a marchant vessel — there's half-a-crown for your sar vices — I'd give you more, if I thought you would spend it."" The gentleman laughed, and took the half- crown, which I afterwards observed that he gave PETEE SIMPLE. 23 to a grey-headed beggar at the bottom of Post- down Hill. I inquired of him how soon we should be at Portsmouth ; he answered that we were passing the lines ; but I saw no lines, and I was ashamed to show my ignorance. He asked me what ship I was going to join. I could not recollect her name, but I told him it was painted on the outside of my chest, which was coming down by the waggon : all that I could recollect was that it was a French name. " Have you no letter of introduction to the captain ?'^ said he. " Yes, T have," replied I ; and I pulled out my pocket-book in which the letter was. *' Cap- tain Savage, H. M. ship Diomede," continued I, reading to him. To my surprise he very coolly proceeded to open the letter, which, when I perceived what he was doing, occasioned me immediately to snatch the letter from him, stating my opi- nion at the same time that it was a breach of honour, and that in my opinion he was no gentleman. 24 TETER SIMPLE. " Just as you please, youngster," replied he. " Recollect, you have told me I am no gentleman." He wrapped his plaid around him, and said no more ; and I was not a little pleased at having silenced him by my resolute behaviour. PETER SIMPLE. 25 CHAPTER III. I am made to look very blue at the Blue Posts — Find wild spirits around, and, soon after, hot spirits within me ; at length my spirits overcome me — Call to pay my respects to the Captain, and find that I had had the pleasure of meeting him before — No sooner out of one scrape than into another. When we stopped, I inquired of the coach- man which was the best inn. He answered ** that it was the Blue Postesses, where the midshipmen leave their chestesses, call for tea and toastesses, and sometimes forget to pay for their breakfastesses." He laughed when he said it, and I thought that he was joking with me; but he pointed out two large blue posts at the door next the coach-office, and told me that all the midshipmen resorted to that hotel. He then asked me to remember the coacJiman, VOL. I. c 28 PETER SIMPLE. which, by this time, I had found out implied that I was not to forget to give him a shilling, which I did, and then went into the inn. The coffee-room was full of midshipmen, and, as I was anxious about my chest, I inquired of one of them if he knew when the waffffon would come in. " Do you expect your mother by it ?" re- plied he. " O no ! but I expect my uniforms — 1 only wear these bottle-greens until they come." " And pray what ship are you going to join ?" " The Die-a-maid — Captain Thomas Kirk- wall Savage." " The Diomede — I say, Robinson, a'n't that the frigate in which the midshipmen had four dozen a-piece for not having pipe-clayed their weekly accounts on the Saturday ?" " To be sure it is," replied the other ; " why, the captain gave a youngster five dozen the other day for wearing a scarlet watch-ribbon." " He's the greatest Tartar in the service," continued the other ; " he flogged the whole PETER SIMPLE. 27 Starboard watch the last time that he was on a cruize, because the ship would only sail nine knots upon a bowline.'"' " O dear \" said I, " then I'm very sorry that I'm going to join him." " 'Pon my soul I pity you : you'll be fagged to death ; for there's only three midshipmen in the ship now — all the rest ran away. Didn't tliey, Robinson ?" " There^s only two left now: — for poor Matthews died of fatigue. He was worked all day, and kept watch all night for six weeks, and one morning he was found dead upon his chest." " God bless my soul !" cried I, " and yet, on shore, they say he is such a kind man to his midshipmen." " Yes," replied Robinson, " he spreads that report every where. Now, observe, when you first call upon him, and report your having come to join his ship, he'll tell you that he is very happy to see you, and that he hopes your family are well — then he'll recommend you to go on board and learn your duty. c 2 28 PETER SIMPLE. After that, stand clear. Now, recollect what I have said, and see if* it does not prove true. Come, sit down with us and take a glass of grog, it will keep your spirits up." These midshipmen told me so much about nn- captain, and the horrid cruelties which he had practised, that I had some doubts whether I had not better set off home again. When I asked their opinion, they said, that if I did, I should be taken up as a deserter and hanged ; that my best plan was to beg his acceptance of a few gallons of rum, for he was very fond of grog, and, that then I might perhaps be in his good graces, as long as the rum might last. I am sorry to state that the midshipmen made me very tipsy that evening. I don*t re- collect being put to bed, but I found myself there the next morning with a dreadful head- ache, and a very confused recollection of what had passed. I was very much shocked at my having so soon forgotten the injunctions of my parents, and was making vows never to be so foolish again, when in came the midshipman PETEll SIMPLE. 29 who had been so kind to me the night before. " Come, Mr. Bottlegreen," he bawled out, alluding, I suppose, to the colour of my clothes, " rouse and bitt. There's the captain's cox- swain waiting for you below. By the powers, you're in a prett}^ scrape for what you did last night!" " Did last night !" replied I, astonished. " Why, does the captain know that I was tipsy ? " " I think you took devilish good care to let him know it when you were at the theatre.'' " At the theatre ! Was I at the theatre ?" " To be sure you were. You would go, do all we could to prevent you, though you were as drunk as David's sow. Your captain was there with the admiral's daughters. You called him a tyrant and snapped your fingers at him. Why, don't you recollect ? You told him that you did not care a fig for him." " O dear ! O dear ! what shall I do .? what shall I do .^" cried I. " My mother cautioned me so about drinking and bad company." 30 PETER SIMPLE. " Bad company, you whelp — what do you mean by that ?" " O I did not particularly refer to you." " I should hope not ! However, I recom- mend you, as a friend, to go to the George Inn as fast as you can, and see your captain, for the longer you stay away, the worse it will be for you. At all events, it will be decided whether he receives you or not. It is fortunate for you that you are not on the ship''s books. Come, be quick, the coxswain is gone back." '■' Not on the ship's books," replied I sorrow- fully. " Now I recollect there was a letter from the captain to my father, stating that he had put me on the books." " Upon my honour, I'm sorry — very sorry indeed," replied the midshipman : — and he quitted the room, looking as grave as if the misfortune had happened to himself. I got up with a heavy head, and heavier heart, and as soon as I was dressed, I asked the way to the George Inn. I took my letter of intro- duction with me, although I was afraid it PETER SIMPEE. 31 would be of little service. When I arrived, I asked, with a trembling voice, whether Cap- tain Thomas Kirkwall Savage, of H. M. ship Diomede, was staying there. The waiter re- plied, that he was at breakfast with Captain Courtney, but that he would take up my name. I gave it him, and in a minute the waiter returned and desired that I would walk up. O how my heart beat — I never was so frightened — I thought I should have dropped on the stairs. Twice I attempted to walk into the room, and each time my legs failed me : at last I wiped the perspiration from my fore- head, and with a desperate effort I went into the room. " Mr. Simple, I am glad to see you," said a voice. I had held my head down, for I was afraid to look at him, but the voice was so kind that I mustered up courage ; and, when I did look up, there sat with his uniform and epaulets, and his sword by his side, the passenger in the plaid cloak, who wanted to open my letter, and whom, I iiad told to his face, that he was no gentleman. 32 PETER SIMPLE. I thought I should have died as the other midshipman did upon his chest. I was just sinking down on my knees to beg for mercy, when the captain perceiving my confusion, burst out into a laugh, and said, " So you know me again, Mr. Simple.^ AVell, donH be alarmed, you did your duty in not permitting me to open the letter, supposing me, as you did, to be some other person, and you were perfectly right under that supposition, to tell me that I was not a gentleman. I give you credit for your conduct. Now sit down and take some breakfast." " Captain Courtney," said he to the other captain, who was at the table, " this is one of my youngsters just entering the service. We were passengers yesterday by the same coach." He then told him the circumstance which oc- curred, at which they laughed heartily. I now recovered my spirits a little — but still there was the aifair at the theatre, and I thought that perhaps he did not recognize me. I was, however, soon relieved from my anxiety by the other captain inquiring, *' Were you at the theatre last night. Savage ! " PETER SIMPLE. 33 " No ; I dined at the admiraPs ? there's no getting away from those girls, they are so pleasant." " I rather think you are a little taken in that quarter." " No, on my word ! I might be if I had time to discover which I liked best; but my ship is at present my wife, and the only wife I intend to have until I am laid on the shelf." Well, thought I, if he was not at the theatre, it could not have been him that I insulted. Now if I can only give him the rum, and make friends with him. " Pray, Mr. Simple, how are your father and mother ?" said the captain. " Very well, I thank you, sir, and desire me to present their compliments." " I am obliged to them. Now I think the sooner you go on board and learn your duty the better." (Just what the midshipman told me — the very words, thought I — then it's all true — and I began to tremble again.) " I have a little advice to offer you," con- tinued the captain. " In the first place, obey c 5 34 PETER SIMPLE. your superior officers without hesitation ; it is for me, not you, to decide whether an order is unjust or not. In the next place, never swear or drink spirits. The first is immoral and un- gentlemanlike, the second is a vile habit which will grow upon you. I never touch spirit myself, and I expect that my young gentlemen will refrain from it also. Now you may go, and as soon as your uniforms arrive, you will repair on board. In the mean time, as I had some little insight into your character when we travelled together, let me recommend you not to be too intimate at first sight with those you meet, or you may be led into indiscretions. Good morning." I quitted the room with a low bow, glad to have surmounted so easily what appeared to be a chaos of difficulty ; but my mind was confused with the testimony of the midshipman, so much at variance with the language and behaviour of the captain. When I arrived at the Blue Posts, I found all the midshipmen in the coffee- room, and I repeated to them all that had passed. When I had finished, they burst out laughing, PETER SIMPLE. 35 and said that they had only been joking with me. " Well/' said I to the one who had called me up in the morning, " you may call it joking, but I call it lying." " Pray, Mr. Bottlegreen, do you refer to me .?" " Yes, I do," replied I. " Then, sir, as a gentleman, I demand satis- faction. Slugs in a saw-pit. Death before dishonour, d e." " I shall not refuse you," replied I, " al- though I had rather not fight a duel; my father cautioned me on the subject, desiring me, if possible, to avoid it, as it was flying in the face of my Creator ; but aware that I must uphold my character as an officer, he left me to my own discretion, should I ever be so unfor- tunate as to be in such a dilemma." " Well, we don't want one of your father's sermons at second-hand," replied the midship- man, (for I had told them that my father was a clergyman,) the plain question is, will you fight, or will you not?" " Could not the affair be arranged other- 36 PKTEll SIMPLE. wise?" interrupted another. " Will not Mr. Bottlegreen retract ?*' " My name is Simple, sir, and not Bottle- green," replied I ; " and as he did tell a false- hood, I will not retract." " Then the affair must go on," said the mid- shipman. " Robinson, you will oblige me by acting as my second."" " It's an unpleasant business," replied the other, " you are so good a shot ; but as you request it, I shall not refuse. Mr. Simple is not, I believe, provided with a friend." " Yes, he is," replied another of the midship- men. " He is a spunky fellow, and Fll be his second."" It was then arranged that we should meet the next morning with pistols. I considered that as an officer and a gentleman, I could not well refuse, but I was very unhappy. Not three days left to my own guidance, and I had become intoxicated, and was now to fight a duel. I went up into my room and wrote a long letter to my mother, inclosing a lock of my hair ; and having shed a few tears at the idea, of how PETER SIMPLE. 37 sorry she would be if I were killed, I borrowed a bible from the waiter, and read it during the remainder of the day. 38 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER IV. I am taught on a cold mornings before breakfast, how to stand fire, and thus prove my courage — After breakfast I also prove my gallantry — My proof meets reproof — Woman at the bottom of all mischief — By one I lose my liberty, and, by another, my money. When I began to wake the next morning I could not think what it was that felt like a weight upon my chest, but as I roused and re- called my scattered thoughts, I remembered that in an hour or two it would be decided whether I were to exist another day. I prayed fervently, and made a resolution in my own mind that I would not have the blood of another upon my conscience, and would fire my pistol up in the air. And after I had made that resolution, I no longer felt the alarm which I did before. Before I was dressed, the midshiDman who had PETER SIMPLE. 39 volunteered to be my second, came into my room and informed me that the affair was to be decided in the garden behind the inn ; that my adversary was a very good shot, and that I must expect to be winged if not drilled, " And what is winged and drilled?" inquired I ; " I have not only never fought a duel, but I have not even iired a pistol in my life." He explained what he meant, which was, that being winged implied being shot through the arm or leg, whereas being drilled was to be shot through the body. '' But,"" continued he, " is it possible that you have never fought a duel ?" " No," replied I, " I am not yet fifteen years old." '* Not fifteen ! why I thought you were eighteen at the least." (But I was very tall and stout for my age, and people generally thought me older than I actually was.) I dressed myself and followed my second into the garden, where I found all the midshipmen and some of the waiters of the inn. They all seemed very merry, as if the life of a fellow- 40 PETER SIMPLE. creature was of no consequence. The seconds talked apart for a little while, and then measured the ground, which was twelve paces ; we then took our stations. I believe that I turned pale, for my second came to my side and whispered that I must not be frightened. I replied, that I was not frightened, but that I considered that it was an awful moment. The second to my adversary then came up and asked me whether I would make an apology, which I refused to do as before : they handed a pistol to each of us, and my second showed me how I was to pull the trigger. It was arranged that at the word given, we were to fire at the same time. I made sure that I should be wounded, if not killed, and I shut my eyes as I fired my pistol in the air. I felt my head swim, and thought I was hurt, but fortunately I was not. The pistols were loaded again, and we fired a second time. The seconds then interfered, and it was proposed that we should shake hands, which I was very glad to do, for I considered my life to have been saved by a miracle. We all went back to the coffee-room, and sat down to breakfasts They PETER SIMPLE. 41 then told me that they all belonged to the same ship that I did, and that they were glad to see that I could stand fire, for the captain was a terrible fellow for cutting out and running under the enemy's batteries. The next day my chest arrived by the waggon, and I threw off my " bottle-greens'' and put on my uniform. I had no cocked hat, or dirk, as the warehouse people employed by Mr. Handy- cock did not supply those articles, and it was arranged that I should procure them at Ports- mouth. When I inquired the price, I found that they cost more money than I had in my pocket, so I tore up the letter I had written to my mother before the duel, and wrote another asking for a remittance to purchase my dirk and cocked hat. I then walked out in my uni- form, not a little proud I must confess. I was now an officer in his Majesty's service, not very high in rank certainly, but still an officer and a gentleman, and I made a vow that I would sup- port the character, although I was considered the greatest fool of the family. I had arrived opposite a place called Sally 42 PETER SIMPLE. Port, when a young lady very nicely dressed, looked at me very hard and said, " Well, Reefer, how are you off for soap ?" I was astonished at the question, and more so at the interest which she seemed to take in my affairs. I answered, " Thank you, I am very well off; I have four cakes of Windsor, and two bars of yellow for washing."" She laughed at my reply, and asked me whether I would walk home and take a bit of dinner with her. I was astonished at this polite offer, which my modesty induced me to ascribe more to my uniform than to my own merits, and, as I felt no inclination to refuse the compliment, I said that I should be most happy. I thought I might venture to offer my arm, which she accepted, and we proceeded up High Street on our way to her home. Just as we passed the admiral's house, I per- ceived my captain walking with two of the admiral's daughters. I was not a little proud to let him see that I had female acquaintances as well as he had, and, as I passed him with the young lady under my protection, I took off my hat and made him a low bow. To my surprise, PETER SIMPLE. 43 not only did he not return the salute, but he looked at me with a very stern countenance. I concluded that he was a very proud man, and did not wish the admiral's daughters to suppose that he knew midshipmen by sight ; but I had not exactly made up my mind on the subject, when the captain, having seen the ladies into the admiral's house, sent one of the messengers after me to desire that I would immediately come to him at the George Inn, which was nearly opposite. I apologized to the young lady, and promised to return immediately if she would wait for me ; but she replied, if that was my captain, it was her idea that I should have a confounded wigging and be sent on board. So, wishing me good-bye, she left me and continued her way home. I could as little comprehend all this as why the captain looked so black when I passed him ; but it was soon explained when I went up to him in the parlour at the George Inn. " I am sorry, Mr. Simple," said the captain, when I entered, " that a lad like you should show such early symptoms of depravity ; still more so, that he should not 44 PETER SIMPLE. have the grace which even the most hardened are not wholly destitute of — T mean to practise immorality in secret, and not degrade themselves and insult their captain by unblushingly avowing (I may say glorying in) their iniquity, by ex- posing it in broad day, and in the mostfrequented street of the town." "Sir," replied I, with astonishment, " O dear! O dear ! what have I done?" The captain fixed his keen eyes upon me, so that they appeared to pierce me through, and nail me to the wall. " Do you pretend to say, sir, that you were not aware of the character of the person with whom you were walking just now r " No, sir,'" replied I, " except that she was very kind and good-natured f and then I told him how she had addressed me, and what subse- quently took place. " And is it possible, Mr. Simple, that you are so great a fool.?" I replied that I certainly was considered the greatest fool of our family. " I should think you were/' replied he drily. He then explained to me who the person was with whom I was in company, and how any asso- PETER SIMPLE. 45 ciation with her wauld inevitably lead to my ruin and disgrace. I cried very much, for I was shocked at the narrow escape which I had had, and mortified at having fallen in his good opinion. He asked me how I had employed my time since I had been at Portsmouth, and I made an acknow- ledgment of having been made tipsy, related all that the midshipmen had told me, and how I had that morning fought a duel. He listened to my whole story very atten- tively, and I thought that occasionally there was a smile upon his face, although he bit his lips to prevent it. When I had finished, he said, " Mr. Simple, I can no longer trust you on shore until you are more experienced in the world. I shall desire my coxswain not to lose sight of you until you are safe on board of the frigate. When you have sailed a few months with me, you will then be able to decide whether I deserve the character which the young gentlemen have painted, with, I must say, I believe, the sole intention of prac- tising upon your inexperience." Altogether I did not feel sorry when it was 46 PETER SIMPLE. over. I saw that the captain believed what I had stated, and that he was disposed to be kind to me, although he thought me very silly. The coxswain, in obedience to his orders, ac- companied me to the Blue Posts. I packed up my clothes, paid my bill, and the porter wheeled my chest down to the Sally Port, where the boat was waiting. " Come, heave a-head, my lads, be smart. The captain says we are to take the young gentleman on board directly. His liberty's stopped for getting drunk and running after the Dolly Mops !" " I should thank you to be more respectful in your remarks, Mr. Coxswain," said I with displeasure. " Mister Coxswain ! thanky, sir, for giving nie a handle to my name,'' replied he. '* Come, be smart with your oars, my lads !" " La, Bill Freeman," said a young woman on the beach, " what a nice young gentleman you have there. He looks like a sucking Nelson. I say, my pretty young officer, could you lend me a shilling ?^' PETER SIMPLE. 47 I was SO pleased at the woman calling me a young Nelson, that I immediately complied with her request. " I have not a shilling in my pocket,'' said I, '*' but here is half-a-crown, and you can change it, and bring me back the eigh teen-pence." " Well, you are a nice young man,'' replied she, taking the half-crown. " I'll be back directly, my dear." The men in the boat laughed, and the coxswain desired them to shove off. " No," observed I, " you must wait for my eighteen-pence." " We shall wait a devilish long while, then, I suspect. I know that girl, and she has a very bad memory." " She cannot be so dishonest or ungrateful," replied I. " Coxswain, I order you to stay — I am an officer." " I know you are, sir, about six hours old ; well, then, I must go up and tell the captain that you have another girl in tow, and that you won't go on board." " O no, Mr. Coxswain, pray don't ; shove 48 PETER SIMPLE. off as soon as you please, and never mind the eighteen-pence." The boat then shoved off, and pulled to- wards the ship, which lay at Spithead. PETER SIMPLE. 49 CHAPTER V. I am introduced to the quarter-deck and first lieu- tenants^ who pronounces me very clever — Trotted below to Mrs. Trotter — Connubial bliss in a cock-pit — -Mr. Trotter takes me in, as a messmate — Feel very much surprised that so many people know that I am the son of — my father. On our arrival on board, the coxswain gave a note from the captain to the first lieutenant, who happined to be on deck. He read the note, looked at me earnestly, and then I overheard him say to another lieutenant, " The service is going to the devil. As long as it was not popular, if we had not much education, we at least had the chance that natural abilities gave us ; but now that great people send their sons for a pro- vision into the navy, we have all the refuse of their families, as if any thing was good enough to make a captain of a man-of-war, who has occasionally more responsibility on his shoul- VOL. 1. D 50 PETER SIMPLE. ders, and is placed in situations requiring more judgment, than any other people in existence. Here's another of the fools of a family made a present of to the country — another cub for me to lick into shape. Well, I never saw the one yet I did not make something of. Where''s Mr. Simple r " I am Mr. Simple, sir,'' replied I, very much frightened at what I had overheard. "Now, Mr. Simple, said the first lieutenant, ob- serve, and pay particular attention to what I say. The captain tells me in this note that you have been shamming stupid. Now, sir, I am not to be taken in that way. You're something like the monkeys, who won't speak because they are afraid they will be made to work. I have looked attentively at your face, and I see at once that you are very clever, and if you do not prove so in a very short time, why — you had better jump overboard, that's all. Per- fectly understand me. I know that you are a very clever fellow, and having told you so, don't you pretend to impose upon me, for it won't do." I was very much terrified at this speech. PETER SIMPLE. 51 but at the same time I was pleased to hear that he thought me clever, and I determined to do all in my power to keep up such an unex- pected reputation. " Quarter-master," said the first lieutenant, " tell Mr. Trotter to come on deck." The quarter-master brought up Mr. Trotter, who apologised for being so dirty, as he was breaking casks out of the hold. He was a short thick-set man, about thirty years of age, with a nose which had a red club to it, very dirty teeth, and large black whiskers. " Mr. Trotter," said the first lieutenant, " here is a young gentleman who has joined the ship. Introduce him into the berth, and see his ham- mock slung. You must look after him a little.*" " I really have very little time to look after any of them, sir," replied Mr. Trotter, " but I will do what I can. Follow me, youngster." Accordingly, I descended the ladder after him : then I went down another, and then to my surprise I was desired by him to go down a third, which when I had done, he informed me that I was in the cock-pit. D 2 52 PETER SIMPLE. " Now, youngster," said Mr. Trotter, seating himself upon a large chest, " you may do as you please. The midshipmen's mess is on the deck above this, and if you like to join, why you can ; but this I will tell you as a friend, that you will be thrashed all day long, and fare very badly ; the weakest always goes to the wall there, but perhaps you do not mind that. Now that we are in harbour, I mess here, be- cause Mrs. Trotter is on board. She is a very charming woman, I can assure you, and will be here directly; she has just gone up into the galley to look after a net of potatoes in the copper. If you like it better, I will ask her permission for you to mess with us. You will then be away from the midshipmen, who are a sad set, and will teach you nothing but what is immoral and improper, and you will have the advantage of being in good society, for Mrs. Trotter has kept the very best in England. I make you this offer because I want to oblige the first lieutenant, who appears to take an interest about you, otherwise I am not very fond of having any intrusion upon my domestic happiness."" PETEE SIMPLE. 53 I replied that I was much obliged to him for his kindness, and that if it would not put Mrs. Trotter to an inconvenience, I should be happy to accept of his offer ; indeed, I thought myself very fortunate in having met with such a friend. I had scarcely time to reply, when I perceived a pair of legs, cased in black cotton stockings, on the ladder above us, and it proved that they be- longed to Mrs. Trotter, who came down the ladder with a net full of smoking potatoes. " Upon my word, Mrs. Trotter, you must be conscious of having a very pretty ancle, or you would not venture to display it, as you have to Mr. Simple, a young gentleman whom I beg to introduce to you, and who, with your permission, will join our mess." " My dear Trotter, how cruel of you not to give me warning; I thought that nobody was below. I declare I'm so ashamed," continued the lady simpering, and covering her face with the hand which was unemployed. " It can't be helped now, my love, neither was there any thing to be ashamed of. I trust Mr. Simple and you will be very good friends. 54 PETER SIMPLE. I believe I mentioned his desire to join our mess." " I am sure I shall be very happy in his company. This is a strange place for me to live in, Mr. Simple, after the society to which I have been accustomed ; but affection can make any sacrifice ; and rather than lose the company of my dear Trotter, who has been unfortunate in pecuniary matters — " " Say no more about it, my love. Domestic happiness is every thing, and will enliven even the gloom of a cock-pit." " And yet," continued Mrs. Trotter, " when I think of the time when we used to live in London, and keep our carriage. Have you ever been in London, Mr. Simple?" I answered that I had. " Then, probably, you may have been ac- quainted with, or have heard of, the Smiths." I replied that the only people that I knew there, were a Mr. and Mrs. Handycock. " Well, if I had known that you were in London, I should have been very glad to have given you a letter of introduction to the Smiths. PETER SIMPLE. 55 They are quite the topping people of the place." " But, my dear," interrupted Mr. Trotter, " is it not time to look after our dinner?" " Yes ; I am going forward for it now. We have skewer pieces to-day. Mr. Simple, will you excuse me P**' — and then, with a great deal of flirtation and laughing about her ancles, and requesting me, as a favour, to turn my face away, Mrs. Trotter ascended the ladder. As the reader may wish to know what sort of looking personage she was, I will take this opportunity to describe her. Her figure was very good, and at one period of her life I thought her face must have been very hand- some : at the time I was introduced to her it showed the ravages of time or hardship very distinctly ; in short, she might be termed a faded beauty, flaunting in her dress, and not very clean in her person. " Charming woman, Mrs. Trotter, is she not, Mr. Simple ?" said the master's mate ; to which of course I immediately acquiesced. " Now, Mr. Simple," continued he, " there are a 56 PETER SIMPLE. few arrangements which I had better mention while Mrs. Trotter is away, for she would be shocked at our talking about such things. Of course, the style of living which we indulge in, is rather expensive. Mrs. Trotter cannot dispense with her tea and her other little comforts; at the same time I must put you to no extra expense — I had rather be out cf pocket myself. I propose that during the time you mess with us, you shall only pay one guinea per week ; and, as for entrance money, why I think I must not charge you more than a couple of guineas. Have you any money ?*' " Yes,"" I replied, " I have three guineas and a half left." " Well, then, give me the three guineas, and the half-guinea you can reserve for pocket- money. You must write to your friends im- mediately for a further supply." I handed him the money, which he put in his pocket. " Your chest," continued he, " you shall bring down here, for Mrs. Trotter will, I am sure, if I request it, not only keep it in order for you, but see that your clothes are properly mended. She is a charming woman. PETER SIMPLE. 57 Mrs. Trotter, and very fond of young gentle- men. How old are you .?" I replied that I was fifteen. ^' No more ! well, I am glad of that, for Mrs. Trotter is very particular after a certain age. I should recommend you on no account to associate with the other midshipmen. They are very angry with me, because I would not permit Mrs. Trotter to join their mess, and they are sad story-tellers." " That they certainly are," replied I ; but here we were interrupted by Mrs. Trotter coming down with a piece of stick in her hand upon which were skewered about a dozen small pieces of beef and pork, which she first laid on a plate, and then began to lay the cloth, and prepare for dinner. " Mr. Simple is only fifteen, my dear," ob- served Mr. Trotter. " Dear me,'' replied Mrs. Trotter, " why, how tall he is ! He is quite as tall, for his age, as young Lord Foutretown, whom you used to take out with you in the chay. Do you know Lord Foutretown, Mr. Simple.?" D 5 58 PETER SIMPLE. " No, I do not, ma'am," replied I ; but, wish- ing to let them know that I was well connected, I continued, " but I dare say that my grand- father. Lord Privilege, does." " God bless me ! is Lord Privilege your grandfather ? AVell, I thought I saw a likeness somewhere. Don't you recollect Lord Privi- lege, my dear Trotter, that we met at Lady Scamp's — an elderly person ? It's very un- grateful of you not to recollect him, for he sent you a very fine haunch of venison." *' Privilege — ^bless me, yes. O yes ! an old gentleman, is he not ?"" said Mr. Trotter ap- pealing to me. " Yes, Sir," replied I, quite delighted to find myself among those who were acquainted with my family. " Well, then, Mr. Simple," said Mrs. Trotter, " since we have the pleasure of being ac- quainted with your family, I shall now take you under my own charge, and I shall be so fond of you, that Trotter shall become quite jealous," added she, laughing. " We have but a poor dinner to-day, for the bum-boat woman PETER SIMPLE. 59 disappointed me. I particularly requested her to bring me off a leg of lamb, but she says that there was none in the market. It is rather early for it, that's true, but Trotter is very nice in his eating. Now let us sit down to dinner."" I felt very sick indeed, and could eat nothing. Our dinner consisted of the pieces of beef and pork, the potatoes, and a baked pudding in a tin dish. Mr. Trotter went up to serve the spirits out to the ship's company, and returned with a bottle of rum. " Have you got Mr. Simple's allowance, my love.?'' inquired Mrs. Trotter. " Yes, he is victualled to day, as he came on board before twelve o'clock. Do you drink spirits, Mr. Simple .?" "' No, I thank you," replied I, for I re- membered the captain's injunction. '' Taking, as I do, such an interest in your welfare, I must earnestly recommend you to abstain from them," said Mr. Trotter. " It is a very bad habit, and once acquired, not easy to be left off. I am obliged to drink them that I 60 PETER SIMPLE. may not check the perspiration after working in the hold; I have, nevertheless, a natural ab- liorrence of them, but my champagne and claret days are gone bye, and I must submit to cir- cumstances/' " My poor Trotter !"" said the lady. " Well," continued he, " it's a poor heart that never rejoiceth." He then poured out half a tumbler of rum, and filled the glass up with water. " My love, will you taste it ?" " Now, Trotter, you know that I never touch it, except when the water is so bad, that I must have the taste taken away. How is the water to-day ?" " As usual, my dear, not drinkable." After much persuasion, Mrs. Trotter agreed to sip a little out of his glass. I thought that she took it pretty often, considering that she did not like it, but I felt so unwell that I was obliged to go on the main-deck. There I was met by a mid- shipman whom I had not seen before. He looked very earnestly in my face, and then PETER SIMPLE. 61 asked my name. " Simple .?" said he ; " what, are you the son of old Simple .P" " Yes, sir," replied I, astonished that so many should know my family. " Well, I thought so by the likeness. And how is your father F' " Very well, I thank you. Sir.'' " When you write to him, make my compli- ments, and tell him that I desired to be par- ticularly remembered to him ;" and he walked forward, but as he forgot to mention his own name, I could not do it. I went to bed very tired ; Mr. Trotter had my hammock hung up in the cock-pit, separated by a canvass screen from the cot in which he slept with his wife. I thought this very odd, but they told me it was the general custom on board ship, although Mrs. Trotter's delicacy was very much shocked by it. I was very sick, but Mrs. Trotter was very kind. When I was in bed she kissed me and wished me good night, and very soon afterwards I fell fast asleep. 62 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER VI. Puzzled with very common words — Mrs. Trotter takes care of my wardrobe — a matrimonial duet, ending con strepito. I AWOKE the next morning at day-light with a noise over my head which sounded like thunder ; I found it proceeded from holyston- ing and washing down the main-deck. I was very much refreshed nevertheless, and did not feel the least sick or giddy. Mr. Trotter, who had been up at four o'clock, came down and directed one of the marines to fetch me some water. I washed myself on my chest, and then went on the main-deck, which they were swab- bing dry. Standing by the sentry at the cabin door, I met one of the midshipmen with whom I had been in company at the Blue Posts. PETER SIMPLE. 63 " So, Master Simple, old Trotter and his faggot of a wife have got hold of you — have they?"" said he. I replied, that I did not know the meaning of faggot, but that I con- sidered Mrs. Trotter a very charming woman. At which he burst into a loud laugh. " Well," said he, " I'll just give you a caution. Take care, or they'll make a clean sweep. Has Mrs. Trotter shown you her ancle yet V " Yes," I replied, " and a very pretty one it is." " Ah ! she's at her old tricks. You had much better have joined our mess at once. YouVe not the first greenhorn that they have plucked. Well," said he, as he walked away, " keep the key of your own chest — that's all." But as Mr. Trotter had warned me that the midshipmen would abuse them, I paid very little attention to what he said. When he left me I went on the quarter-deck. All the sailors were busy at work, and the first lieu- tenant cried out to the giinner, " Now, Mr. Dispart, if you are ready, we'll breech these 64 PETER SIMPLE. " Now, my lads," said the first lieutenant, " we must slue (the part that breeches cover) more forward." As I never heard of a gun having breeches, I was very curious to see what was going on, and went up close to the first lieutenant, who said to me, " Youngster, hand me that monkey's taiV I saw nothing like a monkey's tail^ but I was so frightened that I snatched up the first thing that I saw, which was a short bar of iron, and it so hap- pened that it was the very article which he wanted. When I gave it to him, the first lieutenant looked at me, and said, " So you know what a monkey'^s tail is already, do you ? Now don't you ever sham stupid after that."" Thought I to myself, I'm very lucky, but if that's a monkey's tail it's a very stiff one ! I resolved to learn the names of everything as fast as I could, that I might be prepared, so I listened attentively to what was said ; but I soon became quite confused, and de- spaired of remembering any thing. " How is this to be finished off, sir .?" inquired a sailor of the boatswain. PETER SIMPLE. 6$ " Why, I beg leave to hint to you, sir, in the most delicate manner in the world," replied the boatswain, " that it must be with a double-wall — SLud be d d to you — don't you know that yet ? Captain of the foretop," said he, " up on your horses, and take your stirrups up three inches/' — "• Aye, aye, sir."" ( I looked and looked, but I could see no horses.) " Mr. Chucks," said the first lieutenant to the boatswain, " what blocks have we below- - not on charge ?" " Let me see, sir, I've one sister, t'other we split in half the other day, and I think I have a couple of monkeys down in the store- room. I say, you Smith, pass that brace through the buWs eye, and take the sheepshank out before you come down." And then he asked the first lieutenant whether something should not be fitted with a mouse or only a turk'^s^head — told him the goose-neck must be spread out by the armourer as soon as the forge was up. In short, what with dead-eyes and shrouds, cats and cat-blocks, 66 PETER SIMPLE. dolphins and dolphin-strikers, whips and pud- dings, I was so puzzled with what I heard, that I was about to leave the deck in absolute despair. " And, Mr. Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you bleed all the buoys.'' Bleed the boys, thought I, what can that be for ? at all events, the surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation. This last incomprehensible remark drove me oiF the deck, and I retreated to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs. Trotter. '' O my dear !" said she, " I am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have 3^ou a list of them — where is your key ?'' I replied that I had not a list, and I handed her the ke}', although I did not forget the caution of the midshipman ; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled every thing out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be useful and what were not. " Now these worsted stockings," she said, PETER SIMPLE. 67 " will be very comfortable in cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no use — only catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them ; nobody wears them on board ship now-a-days. They are only fit for women — I wonder if they would fit me.""* She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing the whole of the time. Then she turned round to me, and showed me how nicely they fitted her. " Bless you, Mr. Simple, it's well that Trotter is in the hold, he'd be so jealous — do you know what these stockings cost.^ They are of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and take them off your hands." I replied, that I could not think of selling them, and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, 1 begged that she would accept of the dozen pair. At first she positively refused, but as 68 PETEE SIMPLE. I pressed her she at last consented, and I was very happy to give them to her as she was very kind to me, and I thought, with her husband, that she was a very charming woman. We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear the smell of the onions. Mr. Trotter came down very cross, because the first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut the service — that he had only remained to oblige the captain, who said that he would sooner part with his right arm, and that he would demand satisfaction of the first lieu- tenant as soon as he could obtain his discharge. Mrs. Trotter did all she could to pacify him, reminded him that he had the protection of Lord this and Sir Thomas that, who would see him righted ; but in vain. The first lieu- tenant had told him, he said, that he was not worth his salt, and blood only could wipe away the insult. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and each glass became more violent, and Mrs. Trotter drank also, I ob- served, a great deal more than I thought she PETER SIMPLE. 69 ought to have done; but she whispered to me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly be tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part ; but they sat so late that I went to bed and left them — he still drinking and vowing vengeance against the first lieu- tenant. I had not been asleep above two or three hours when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I discovered that Mr. Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much shocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, I scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but it was dark, although they scuf- fled as much as before. I asked the marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lanthorn, and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed and let them fight it out. Shortly afterwards Mrs. Trotter, who had not taken off her clothes, came from behind the screen. I perceived at once that the poor woman could hardly stand ; she reeled to my chest, where she sat down and cried. I pulled 70 PETER SIMPLE. on my clothes as fast as I could, and then went up to her to console her, but she could not speak intelligibly. After attempting in vain to comfort her, she made me no answer, but staggered to my hammock, and, after several attempts, succeeded in getting into it. I cannot say that I much liked that, but what could I do? So I finished dressing myself, and went up on the quarter-deck. The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned me against the Trotters ; he was very friendly to me. " Well, Simple," said he, " what brings you on deck ?" I told him how ill Mr. Trotter had behaved to his wife, and how she had turned into my hammock. " The cursed drunken old catamaran," cried he ; " I'll go and cut her down by the head ;*" but I requested he would not, as she was a lady. " A lady !" replied he ; " yes, there's plenty of ladies of her description ;" and then he in- formed me that she had many years ago been the mistress of a man of fortune who kept PETER SIMPLE. 71 a carriage for her; but that he grew tired of her, and had given Trotter £200 to marry her, and that now they did nothing but get drunk together and fight with each other. I was very much annoyed to hear all this ; but as I perceived that Mrs. Trotter was not sober, I began to think that what the midship- man said was true. " I hope," added he, " that she has not had time to wheedle you out of any of your clothes." I told him that I had given her a dozen pairs of stockings, and had paid Mr. Trotter three guineas for my mess. *' This must be looked to," replied he ; "I shall speak to the first lieutenant to-morrow. In the mean time, I shall get your hammock for you. Quarter- master, keep a good look out." He then went below, and I followed him, to see what he would do. He went to my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs. Trotter lay with her head on the deck in a very uncomfortable position. To my as- tonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but refused to turn out. He was 72 PETER SIMPLE. abusing her, and shaking her in the hammock, when Mr. Trotter, who had been roused at the noise, rushed from behind the screen. " You villain! what are you doing with my wife?" cried he, pummelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he could hardly stand. I thought the midshipman able to take care of himself, and did not wish to interfere ; so I remained above, looking on — the sentry stand- ing by me with his lanthorn over the coombings of the hatchway to give light to the midship- man, and to witness the fray. Mr. Trotter was soon knocked down, when all of a sudden Mrs. Trotter jumped up from the hammock, and caught the midshipman by the hair, and pulled at him. Then the sentry thought right to in- terfere; he called out for the master-at-arms, and went down himself to help the midshipman, who was faring badly between the two. But Mrs. Trotter snatched the lanthorn out of his hand and smashed it all to pieces, and then we were all left in darkness, and I could not see what took place, although the scuffling con- tinued. Such was the posture of affairs when I'ETER SIMPLE. 73 the master-at-arms came up with his light. The midshipman and sentry went up the ladder, and Mr. and Mrs. Trotter continued beating each other. To this, none of them paid any attention, saying, as the sentry had said before, " Let them fight it out.'' After they had fought some time, they re- tired behind the screen, and I followed the advice of the midshipman and got into my hammock, which the master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr. and Mrs. Trotter both crying and kissing each other. " Cruel, cruel, Mr. Trotter," said she, blubbering. " My life, my love, 1 was so jealous!" re- plied he. '* D — n and blast your jealousy," replied the lady ; " IVe two nice black eyes for the galley to-morrow." After about an hour of kissing and scolding, they both fell asleep again. The next morning before breakfast, the mid- shipman reported to the first lieutenant the conduct of Mr. Trotter and his wife. 1 was sent for and obliged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr Trotter, who replied VOL. I. E t^ PETER SIMPLE. that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon which the first lieutenant ordered the Serjeant of marines to bring him up directly. Mr. Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and his face very much scratched. " Did not I desire you, sir," said the first lieutenant, " to introduce this young gentleman into the midshipmen's berth ? instead of which you have introduced him to that disgraceful wife of yours, and have swindled him out of his property. I order you immediately to re- turn the three guineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife give back the stockings which she cajoled him out of."" But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockings had been a free gift on my part ; and that, although I had been very foolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand them back again. " Well, youngster," replied the first lieu- tenant, " perhaps your ideas are correct, and if you wish it, I will not enforce that part of my order; but," continued he to Mr. Trotter, " I desire, sir, that your wife leave the ship PETER SIMPLE. 75 immediately; and I trust that when I have reported your conduct to the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the mean time, you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness." K 2 76 TETER SI3IPLE. CHAPTER VII. Scaiidalum magnatum clearly proved — I prove to the captain that I consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I prove to the mid- shipmen that I am a gentleman myself — They prove their gratitude by practising upon me, because practice makes perfect. The captain came en beard about twelve o'clock, and ordered the discharge of Mr. Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenant had reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen on the quarter-deck. " Gentlemen,^' said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, " I feel very much indebted to some of you for the character which you have been pleased to give of me to Mr. Simple. I must now request that you will answer a few questions which I am about to put in his pre- PETER SIMPLE. 77 sence. Did I ever flog the whole starboard watch, because the ship would only sail nine knots on a bowling ?" " No, sir, no!" replied they all, very much frightened. " Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weekly accounts pipeclayed, or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watch ribbon.?" " No, sir,'' replied they altogether. " Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue ?''* They again replied in the negative. " Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thought proper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room ; and further, which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel ?" They were all silent. " Will you answer me, gentlemen ?'' " With respect to the duel, sir,'' replied the midshipman who had fought me, " I heard say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. It was a joke." 78 PETER SIMPLE. " Well, sir, we'll allow that the duel was only a joke, (and I hope and trust that your report is correct;) is the reputation of your captain only a joke, allow me to ask ? I request to know who of you dared to propagate such injurious slander?" (Here there was a dead pause.) "Well then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must refer to my authority. Mr. Simple, have the goodness to point out the person or persons who gave you the informa- tion." But I thought this would not be fair ; and as they had all treated me very kindly after the duel, I resolved not to tell ; so I answered, " If you please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence." " Confidence, sir," replied the captain; " who ever heard of confidence between a post- captain and a midshipman ?"" " No, sir," replied I, " not between a post- captain and a midshipman, but between two gentlemen." The first lieutenant, who stood by the captain, put his hand before his face to hide a laugh. PETER SIMPLE, 79 " He may be a fool, sir,*" observed he to the captain, aside, " but I can assure you he is a very straight-forward one."''' The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, " You may thank Mr. Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter further. I do believe that you were not serious when you calumniated me ; but recollect, that what is said in joke is too often repeated in earnest. I trust that Mr. Simple's conduct will have its effect, and that you leave off practising upon him, who has saved Jyou from a very severe punishment." When the midshipmen went down below, they all shook hands with me, and said that I was a good fellow for not peaching ; but, as for the advice of the captain that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it, they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never left off until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer. I had not been ten minutes in the berth, before they began their remarks upon me. One said that I looked like a hardy fellow, and 80 PETER SIMPLE. asked me whether I could not bear a great deal of sleep. I replied that I could, I dare say, if it was necessary for the good of the service ; at which they laughed, and I supposed that I had said a good thing. " Why here^s Tomkins," said the midship- man ; " he'll show you how to perform that part of your duty. He inherits it from his father, who was a marine officer. He can snore for fourteen hours on a stretch without once turning: round in his hammock, and finish his nap on the chest during the whole of the day, except meal-times.*" But Tomkins defended himself, by saying, that " some people were very quick in doing things, and others were very slow ; that he was one of the slow ones, and that he did not in reality obtain more refreshment from his long naps than other people did in short ones, because he slept much slower than they did.'' This ingenious argument was, however, over- ruled nem. con., as it was proved that he ate pudding faster than any one in the mess. PETER SIMPLE. 81 The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into the midshipman's breth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I was disappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not, declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cut them off with a shilling ; and those who had letters, after they had read them, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half .price. I could not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them ; but they did do so ; and one that was full of good advice was sold three times, from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of the morals of my companions. The lowest priced letters sold, were those written by sisters. I was offered one for a penny, but I declined buying, as I had plenty of sisters of my own. Directly I made that observation they imme- diately inquired all their names and ages, and whether they were pretty or not. When I had informed them, they quarrelled to whom they should belong. One would have Lucy, and another took Mary ; but there was a great E 5 82 PETER SIMPLE. dispute about Ellen, as I had said that she was the prettiest of the whole. At last they agreed to put her up to auction, and she was knocked down to a master's mate of the name of O'Brien, who bid seventeen shillings and a bottle of rum. They requested that I would write home to give their love to my sisters, and tell them how they had been disposed of, which I thought very strange ; but I ought to have been flattered at the price bid for Ellen, as I re- peatedly have since been witness to a very pretty sister being sold for a glass of grog. I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz. because I wanted to buy my dirk and cocked hat ; upon which they told me that there was no occasion for my spending my money, as, by the regulations of the service, the purser's steward served them out to all the officers who applied for them. As I knew where the purser's steward's room was, having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went down immediately. " Mr. Purser's steward," said I, " let me have a cocked hat and dirk immediately." PETER SIMPLE. GS " Very good, sir,"" replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip of paper, which he handed to me. " There is the order for it, sir ; but the cocked hats are kept up in the chest in the main-top ; and as for the dirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge." I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk ; so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep-pen with the sheep, mending his trowsers. In reply to my demand, he told me that he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge of one of the corporals of marines. I inquired who, and he said, *' Cheeks^' the marine." I went every where about the ship, inquiring for Cheeks the marine, but could not find him. Some said that they believed he was in the fore- top, standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change; others, that he was in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their biscuit in the captain's dripping-pan. At * This celebrated personage is the prototype of Mr. nobody on board of a man-of-war. 84 PETER SIMPLE. last, I inquired of some of the women who were standing between the guns on the main-deck, and one of them answered that it was no use looking for him among them, as they all had husbands, and Cheeks was a widow's man.^' As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for my cocked hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much like going up the rigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell overboard I could not swim ; but one of the midshipmen offered to ac- company me, stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of sinking to the bottom, as if I was giddy, my head, at all events, would swim ; so T determined to venture. I climbed up very near to the main-top, but not without missing the little ropes very often, and grazing the skin off my shins. Then I came to large ropes stretched out from the mast, so that you must climb them with your head backwards. The midshipman told me these were called the * Widows' men are imaginary sailors, borne on the books, and receiving- pay and prize-money, which is appropriated to Greenwich hospital. PETER SIMPLE. 85 cat-harpings, because they were so difficult to climb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to 0*0 out by them. I was afraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go through lub- ber's hole, which he said had been made for people like me. I agreed to attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived, quite out of breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top. The captain of the main -top was there with two other sailors. The midshipman introduced me very politely : — " Mr. Jenkins — Mr. Simple, midshipman,— Mr. Simple, Mr. Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr. Jenkins, Mr. Simple has come up with an order for a cocked hat." The captain of the top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in store, but the last had been served out to the captain's monkey. This was very provoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready with my footing. I replied, " Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when coming up." He laughed and replied, that I should lose it altogether before I went down; and that I must ha7id it out. 86 PETER SIMPLE. " Hand out my footing,'''' said I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman, " What does he mean V " He means that you must fork out a seven-shilling bit." I was just as wise as ever, and stared very much ; when Mr. Jenkins desired the other men to get half a dozen foxes and make a spread eagle of me, unless he had his parkisite. I never should have found out what it all meant, had not the midshipman, who laughed till he cried, at last informed me that it was the custom to give the men some- thing to drink the first time that I came aloft, and that if I did not, they would tie me up to the rigging. Having no money in my pocket, I promised to pay them as soon as I went below ; but Mr. Jenkins would not trust me. I then became very angry, and inquired of him " if he doubted my honour." He replied, " Not in the least, but that he must have the seven shillings before I went below." "AVhy, sir," said I, " do you know whom you are speaking to .'^ I am an officer and a gentleman. Do you know who my grandfather is.^" PETEll SIMPLE. 87 " O yes," replied he, " very well." "Then, who is he, sir?" replied I very angrily. " Who is he ! why he''s the Lord knows who, " No," replied I, " that's not his name ; he is Lord Privilege." (I was very much surprised that he knew that my grandfather was a lord.) " And do you suppose," continued I, " that I would forfeit the honour of my family for a paltry seven shillings ?^'' This observation of mine, and a promise on the part of the midshipman, who said he would be bail for me, satisfied Mr. Jenkins, and he allowed me to go down the rigging. I went to my chest, and paid the seven shillings to one of the top-men who followed me, and then went up on the main-deck, to learn as much as I could of my profession. I asked a great many ques- tions of the midshipmen relative to the guns, and they crowded round me to answer them. One told me they were called the frigate's teeth^ because they stopped the Frenchman's jaw. Another midsliipman said that he had been so often in action that he was called the Fire- 88 PETER SIMPLi:. eater. I asked him how it was that he escaped being killed. He replied that he always made it a rule, upon the first cannon ball coming through the ship's side, to put his head into the hole which it had made ; as, by a calculation made by Professor Innman, the odds were 32,647 and some decimals to boot, that another ball would not come in at the same hole. That's what I never should have thought of. PETER SIMPLE. 89 CHAPTER VIII. My messmates show me the folly of running in debt — Duty carried on politely — I become acquainted with some gentlemen of the Home Department — The Episode of Sholto M'Foy. Now that I have been on board about a month, I find that my life is not disagreeable. I don't smell the pitch and tar, and I can get into my hammock without tumbling out on the other side. My messmates are good-tempered, although they laugh at me very much ; but I must say that they are not very nice in their ideas of honour. They appear to consider that to take you in is a capital joke ; and that because they laugh at the time that they are cheating you, it then becomes no cheating at all. Now I cannot think other- 90 PETER SIMPLE, wise than that cheating is cheating, and that a person is not a bit more honest, because he laughs at you in the bargain. A few days after I came on board, I purchased some tarts of the bumboat woman, as she is called ; I wished to pay for them, but she had no change, and very civilly told me she would trust me. She produced a narrow book, and said that she would open an account with me, and I could pay her when I thought proper. To this arrangement I had no objection, and I sent up for diiferent things until I thought that my account must have amounted to eleven or twelve shillings. As I promised my father that I never would run in debt, I considered that it was then time that it should be settled. When I asked for it, what was my surprise to find that it amounted to 21. 14*8. 6d. I declared that it was impossi- ble, and requested that she would allow me to look at the items, when I found that I was booked for at least three or four dozen tarts every day, ordered by the young gentlemen " to be put down to Mr. Simple's account."" I was very much shocked, not only PETER SIMPLE. 91 at the sum of money which I had to pay, but also at the want of honesty on the part of my messmates ; but when I complained of it in the berth, they all laughed at me. At last one of them said, " Peter, tell the truth ; did not your father caution you not to run in debt?" "Yes, he did," replied!. " I know that very well," replied he : " all fathers do the same when their sons leave them ; it's a matter of course. Now observe, Peter ; it is out of regard to you, that your messmates have been eating tarts at your expense. You disobeyed your father's injunctions before you had been a month from home ; and it is to give you a lesson that may be useful in after life, that they have considered it their duty to order the tarts. I trust that it will not be thrown away upon you. Go to the woman, pay your bill, and never run up another." " That I certainly shall not," replied I ; but as I could not prove who ordered the tarts, and did not think it fair that the woman should lose her money, I went up and paid the bill with a 92 PETER SIMPLE. determination never to open an account with any body again. But this left my pockets quite empty, so I wrote to my father, stating the whole trans- action, and the consequent state of my finances. My father, in his answer, observed that what- ever might have been their motives, my mess- mates had done me a friendly act; and that as I had lost my money by my own careless- ness, I must not expect that he would allow me any more pocket-money. But my mother, who added a postscript to his letter, slipped in a five-pound note, and I do believe that it was with my father^s sanction, although he pretended to be very angry at my forgetting his injunctions. This timely relief made me quite comfortable again. What a pleasure it is to receive a letter from one's friends when far away, especially when there is some money in it ! A few days before this, Mr. Falcon, the first lieutenant, ordered me to put on my side-arms to go away on duty. I replied that I had neither dirk nor cocked hat, although I had PETER SIMPLE. 93 applied for them. He laughed at my story, and sent me on shore with the master, who bought them, and the first lieutenant sent up the bill to my father, who paid it, and wrote to thank him for his trouble. That morning, the first lieutenant said to me, " Now, Mr. Simple, we'll take the shine off that cocked hat and dirk of yours. You will go in the boat with Mr. O'Brien, and take care that none of the men slip away from it, and get drunk at the tap." This was the first time that I had ever been sent away on duty, and I was very proud of being an ofiicer in charge. I put on my full uniform, and was ready at the gangway a quarter of an hour before the men were piped away. We were ordered to the dock-yard to draw sea-stores. When we arrived there, I was quite astonished at the piles of timber, the ranges of storehouses, and the immense anchors which lay on the wharf. There was such a bustle, every body appeared to be so busy, that I wanted to look every way at once. Close to where the boat landed, they were hauling a 94 PETER SmPLE. large frigate out of what they called the basin ; and I was so interested with the sight, that I am sorry to say I quite forgot all about the boat's crew, and my orders to look after them. What surprised me most was, that although the men employed appeared to be sailors, their language was very different from what I had been lately accustomed to on board of the frigate. Instead of damning and swearing, everybody was so polite. '' Oblige me with a pull of the starboard bow hawserj Mr. Jones." — " Ease off the larboard hawser, Mr. Jenkins, if you please.'" — " Side her over, gentlemen, side her over." — " My compliments to Mr. Tompkins, and request that he will cast off the quarter check.'' — " Side her over, gentlemen, side her over, if you please." — " In the boat there, pull to Mr. Simmons, and beg he'll do me the favour to check her as she swings. What's the matter, Mr. Johnson .^" " Vy, there's one of them ere midshipmites has thrown a red hot tater out of the stern-port, and hit our officer in the eye." — " Report him to the commissioner, Mr. Wiggins; and oblige me by under-run- PETER SIMPLE. 95 ning the guess warp. Tell Mr. Simkins, with my compliments, to coil away upon the jetty. Side her over, side her over, gentlemen, if you please.'' I asked of a bye-stander who these people were, and he told me that they were dock-yard mateys. I certainly thought that it appeared to be quite as easy to say, " If you please," as " D — n your eyes," and that it sounded much more agreeable. During the time that I was looking at the frigate being hauled out, two of the men be- longing to the boat slipped away, and on my return they were not to be seen. I was very much frightened, for I knew that I had neg- lected my duty, and that on the first occasion on which I had been entrusted with a respon- sible service. What to do I did not know. I ran up and down every part of the dock-yard until I was quite out of breath, asking every- body I met whether they had seen my two men. Many of them said that they had seen plenty of men, but did not exactly know mine ; some laughed, and called me a greenhorn. At last 96 PETER SIMPLE. I met a midshipman, who told me that he had seen two men answering to my description on the roof of the coach starting for London, and that I must be quick if I wished to catch them ; but he would not stop to answer any more questions. I continued walking about the yard until I met twenty or thirty men with grey jackets and breeches, to whom I applied for information ; they told me that they had seen two sailors skulking behind the piles of timber. They crowded round me, and ap- peared very anxious to assist me, when they were summoned away to carry down a cable, I observed that they all had numbers on their jackets, and either one or two bright iron rings on their legs. I could not help inquiring, although I was in such a hurry, why the rings were worn. One of them replied that they were orders of merit, given to them for their good behaviour. I was proceeding on very disconsolately, when, as I turned a corner, to my great delight, I met my two men, who touched their hats and said that they had been looking for me. I did not PETER SIMPLE. 97 believe that they told the truth, but I was so o'lad to recover them that I did not scold, but went with them down to the boat, which had been waiting some time for us. O'Brien, the master's mate, called me a young sculping, a word I never heard before. When we ar- rived on board, the first lieutenant asked 0-Brien why he had remained so long. He answered that two of the men had left the boat, but that I had found them. The first lieutenant appeared to be pleased with me, observing, as he had said before, that I was no fool, and I went down below overjoyed at my good fortune, and very much obliged to O'Brien for not telling the whole truth. After I had taken off my dirk and cocked hat, I felt for my pocket-handkerchief, and found that it was not in my pocket, having in all pro- bability been taken out by the men in grey jackets, who, in conversation with my mess- mates, I discovered to be convicts condemned to hard labour for stealing and picking pockets. A day or two afterwards, we had a new mess- mate of the name of M'Foy. I was on the VOL. I. F 98 PETER SIMPLE. quarter-deck when he came on board and pre- sented a letter to the captain, inquiring first if his name was *' Captain Sauvage." He was a florid young man, nearly six feet high, with sandy hair, yet very good-looking. As his career in the service was very short, I will tell at once, what I did not find out till some time afterwards. The captain had agreed to receive him to oblige a brother officer, who had retired from the service, and lived in the Highlands of Scotland. The first notice which the captain had of the arrival of Mr. M'Foy^ was from a letter written to him by the young man'*s uncle. This amused him so much, that he gave it to the first lieutenant to read ; it ran as follows : — '' Glasgow, April 25th, 1 . '' Sir ; " Our much esteemed and mutual friend, Cap- tain M'Alpine, having communicated by letter, dated the 14th inst., your kind intentions rela- tive to my nephew Sholto M'Foy, (for which you will be pleased to accept my best thanks,) PETER SIMPLE. 99 I write to acquaint you that he is now on his way to join your ship, the Diomede, and will arrive, God willing, twenty-six hours after the receipt of this letter. " As I have been given to understand by those who have some acquaintance with the service of the king, that his equipment as an officer will be somewhat expensive, I have con- sidered it but fair to ease your mind as to any responsibility on that score, and have therefore enclosed the half of a Bank of England note for ten pounds sterling, No. 3,742, the other half of which will be duly forwarded in a frank promised to me the day after to-morrow. I beg you will make the necessary purchases, and apply the balance, should there be any, to his mess account, or any other expenses which you may consider warrantable or justi- fiable. It is at the same time proper to inform you, that Sholto had ten shillings in his pocket at the time of his leaving Glasgow; the satis- factory expenditure of which I have no doubt you will inquire into, as it is a large sum to be f2 100 PETER SIMPLE. placed at the discretion of a youth only four- teen years and five months old. T mention his age, as Sholto is so tall that you might be de- ceived by his appearance, and be induced to trust to his prudence in affairs of this serious nature. Should he at any time require further assistance beyond his pay, which I am told is extremely handsome to all king's officers, I beg you to consider that any draft of yours, at ten days' sight, to the amount of five pounds ster- ling English, will be duly honoured by the firm of Monteith, M'Killop, and Company, of Glasgow. Sir, with many thanks for your kindness and consideration, " I remain, your most obedient, " Walter Monteith." The letter brought on board by M'Foy was to prove his identity. While the captain read it, M'Foy stared about him like a wild stag. The captain welcomed him to the ship, asked him one or two questions, introduced him to the first lieutenant, and then went on shore. The first lieutenant had asked me to dine in PETER SIMPLE. 101 the gun-room ; I supposed that he was pleased with me because I had found the men ; and when the captain pulled on shore, he also in- vited Mr. M'Foy, when the following conversa- tion took place. " Well, Mr. M'Foy, you have had a long journey ; I presume it is the first that you have ever made." " Indeed it is, sir," replied M'Foy ; " and sorely I \e been pestered. Had I minded all they whispered in my lug as I came along, I had need been made of money — sax-pence here, sax-pence there, sax-pence every where. Sich extortion I ne'er dreamt of." " How did you come from Glasgow .?'" " By the wheel-boat, or steam- boat, as they ca'd it, to Lunnon ; where they charged me sax-pence fur taking my baggage on shore — a wee boxy nae bigger than yon cocked-up hat. I would fain carry it mysel', but they wadna let me." " Well, where did you go to when you ar- rived in London ?"" " I went to a place ca'd Chichester Rents, 102 PETER SIMPLE. to the house of Storm and Mainwaring, Ware- housemen, and they must have another sax- pence for showing me the way. There I waited half-an-hour in the counting-house, till they took me to a place cdi'd Bull and" Mouth, and put me into a coach, paying my whole fare ; nevertheless, they must din me for money the whole of the way down. There was first the guard, and then the coachman, and another guard, and another coachman ; but I wudna listen to them, and so they growled and abused me." "And when did you arrive ?"" "I came here last night; and I only had a bed and a breakfast at the twa Blue Pillars' house, for which they extortioned me three shillings and sax-pence, as I sit here. And then there was the chambermaid hussy and waiter loon axed me to remember them, and wanted more siller; but I told them as I told the guard and coachman, that I had none for them.'' " How much of your ten shillings have you left ?''"' inquired the first lieutenant, smiling. PETER SIMPLE. 103 " Hoot ! sir lieutenant, how came you for to ken that ? Eh ! it''s my uncle Monteith a* Glasgow. Why, as I sit here, I\e but three shillings and a penny of it lift. But there's a smell here thafs no canny ; so I'll just go up again into the fresh air." When Mr. M'Foy quitted the gun-room, they all laughed very much. After he had been a short time on deck, he went down into the midshipmen's berth : but he made himself very unpleasant, quarrelling and wrangling with every body. It did not, however, last very long ; for he would not obey any orders that were given to him. On the third day, he quitted the ship without asking the permission of the first lieutenant ; when he returned on board the following day, the first lieutenant put him under an arrest, and in charge of the sentry at the cabin door. During the afternoon I was under the half-deck, and perceived that he was sharpening a long clasp knife upon the after truck of the gun. I went up to him, and asked him why he was doing so, and he replied, as his eyes flashed fire, that it was to 104 PETER SIMPLE- revenge the insult offered to the bluid of M'Foy. His look told me that he was in earnest. " But what do you mean ?" inquired I. *' I mean," said he, drawing the edge and feeling the point of his weapon, '* to put it into the wdieam of that man with the gold podge on his shoulder, who has dared to place me here." I was very much alarmed, and thought it my duty to state his murderous intentions, or worse might happen ; so I walked up on deck and told the first lieutenant what M'Foy was intending to do, and how his life was in danger. Mr. Falcon laughed, and shortly afterwards went down on the main-deck. M'Foy's eyes glistened, and he walked forward to where the first lieutenant was standing; but the sentry, who had been cautioned by me, kept him back with his bayonet. The first lieutenant turned round, and perceiving what was going on, desired the sentry to see if Mr. M'Foy had a knife in his hand ; and he had it sure enough, open, and held behind his back. He was disarmed, and the first lieutenant, perceiving PETER SIMPLE. 105 that the lad meant mischief, reported his con- duct to the captain, on his arrival on board. The captain sent for M'Foy, who was very obstinate, and when taxed with his intention would not deny it, or even say that he would not again attempt it ; so he was sent on shore immediately, and returned to his friends in the Highlands. We never saw any more of him ; but I heard that he obtained a commission in the army, and three months after he had joined his regiment, was killed in a duel, resenting some fancied affront offered to the bluid of M'Foy. F O 106 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER IX. We post up to Postdown Fair — Consequence of dis- turbing a lady at supper — Natural affection of the Pelican, proved at my expense — Spontaneous com- bustion at Ranelagh Gardens — Pastry versus Piety — Many are bid to the feast; but not the halt^ the lame_, or the blind. A FEW days after M'Foy quitted the ship, we all had leave from the first lieutenant to go to Postdown fair, but he would only allow the oldsters to sleep on shore. We anticipated so much pleasure from our excursion, that some of us were up early enough to go away in the boat sent for fresh beef. This was very foolish. There were no carriages to take us to the fair, nor indeed any fair so early in the morning; the shops were all shut, and the Blue Posts, where we always rendezvoused, was hardly opened. We waited therein the coffee- PETER SIMPLE. 107 room, until we were driven out by the maid sweeping away the dirt, and were forced to walk about until she had finished, and lighted the fire, when we ordered our breakfast ; but how much better would it have been to have taken our breakfast comfortably on beard, and then to have come on shore, especially as we had no money to ^ spare. Next to being too late, being too soon is the worst plan in the world. However, we had our breakfast, and paid the bill ; then we sallied forth, and went up George Street, where we found all sorts of vehicles ready to take us to the fair. We got into one which they called a dilly. I asked the man who drove it why it was so called, and he replied, because he only charged a shilling. O'Brien, who had joined us after breakfasting on board, said, that this answer reminded him of one given to him by a man who attended the hackney-coach stands in London. " Pray," said he, " why are you called Watermen .?" " Watermen," replied the man, " vy, sir, 'cause ve opens the hackney-coach doors." At last, with plenty of whipping, and plenty of swear- 108 PETER SIMPLE. ing, and a great deal of laughing, the old horse, whose back curved upwards like a bow, from the difficulty of dragging so many, ar- rived at the bottom of Postdown hill, where we got out, and walked up to the fair. It really was a most beautiful sight. The bright blue sky, and the coloured flags flapping about in all directions, the grass so green, and the white tents and booths, the sun shining so bright, and the shining gilt gingerbread, the "variety of toys and variety of noise, the quantity of people and the quantity of sweet- meats; little boys so happy, and shop-people so polite, the music at the booths, and the bustle and eagerness of the people outside, made my heart quite jump. There was Richardson, with a clown and harlequin, and such beautiful women, dressed in clothes all over gold spangles, dancing reels and waltzes, and looking so happy ! There was Flint and Gyngell, with fellows tumbling over head and heels, playing such tricks — eating fire, and drawing yards of tape out of their mouths. Then there was the Royal Circus, all the PETER SIMPLE. 109 horses standing in a line, with men and women standing on their backs, waving flags, while the trumpeters blew their trumpets. And the largest giant in the world, and Mr. Paap, the smallest dwarf in the world, and a female dwarf, who was smaller still, and Miss Biffin, who did every thing without legs or arms. There was also the learned pig, and the Herefordshire ox, and a hundred other sights which I cannot now remember. We walked about for an hour or two seeinor the outside of every thing : we determined to go and see the inside. First we went into Richardson's, where we saw a bloody tragedy, with a ghost and thunder, and afterwards a pantomime, full of tricks, and tumbling over one another. Then we saw one or two other things, I forget what, but this I know, that, generally speaking, the outside was better than the inside. After this, feeling very hungry, we agreed to go into a booth and have something to eat. The tables were ranged all round, and in the centre there was a boarded platform for dancing. The ladies were there all ready dressed for 110 PETER SIMPLE. partners ; and the music was so lively, that I felt very much inclined to dance, but we had agreed to go and see the wild beasts fed at Mr. Polito's menagerie, and as it was now almost eight o'clock, we paid our bill and set off. It was a very curious sight, and better worth seeing than any thing in the fair ; I never had an idea that there were so many strange animals in existence. They were all secured in iron cages, and a large chandelier, with twenty lights, hung in the centre of the booth, and lighted them up, while the keeper went round and stirred them up with his long pole ; at the same time he gave us their histories, which were very interesting. I recollect a few of them. There was the tapir, a great pig with a long nose, a variety of the hiptostamass, which the keeper said was an amphibilious animal, as couldn't live on land, and dies in the water — however, it seemed to live very well in a cage. Then there was the kangaroo with its young ones peeping out of it — a most astonishing animal. The keeper said that it brought forth two young ones at a birth, and then took them PETER SIMPLE. Ill into its stomach again, until they arrived at years of discretion. Then there was the pelican of the wilderness, (I shall not forget him,) with a large bag under his throat, which the man put on his head as a night-cap ; this bird feeds its young with its own blood — when fish are scarce. And there was the laughing hyaena, who cries in the wood like a human being in distress, and devours those who come to his assistance — a sad instance of the de- pravity of human nature, as the keeper ob- served. There was a beautiful creature, the royal Bengal tiger, only three years old, what growed ten inches every year, and never arrived at its full growth. Tiie one we saw, measured, as the keeper told us, sixteen feet from the snout to the tail, and seventeen from the tail to the snout ; but there must have been some mistake there. There was a young elephant and three lions, and several other animals which I forget now, so I shall go on to de- scribe the tragical scene which occurred. The keeper had poked up all the animals, and had commenced feeding them. The great lion 112 PETER SIMPLE. was growling and snarling over the shin-bone of an ox, cracking it like a nut, when, by some mismanagement, one end of the pole upon which the chandelier was suspended fell down, striking the door of the cage in which the lioness was at supper, and bursting it open. It was all done in a second; the chandelier fell, the cage opened, and the lioness sprung out. I remember to this moment seeing the body of the lioness in the air, and then all was dark as pitch. What a change ! not a moment before all of us staring with delight and cu- riosity, and then to be left in darkness, horror, and dismay ! There was such screaming and shrieking, such crying, and fighting, and pushing, and fainting, nobody knew where to go, or how to find their way out. The people crowded first on one side, and then on the other, as their fears instigated them. I was very soon jammed up with my back against the bars of one of the cages, and feeling some beast lay hold of me behind, made a desperate effort, and succeeded in climbing up to the cage above, not however without losing the' PETER snrPLE. 113 seat of my trovvsers, which the laughing hyasna would not let go. I hardly knew where I was when I climbed up ; but I knew the birds were mostly stationed above. However, that I might not have the front of my trowsers torn as well as the behind, as soon as I gained my foot- ing I turned round, with my back to the bars of the cage, but I had not been there a minute, before I was attacked by something which digged into me like a pickaxe, and as the hyeena had torn my clothes, I had no defence against it. To turn round would have been worse still ; so, after having received above a dozen stabs, I contrived by degrees to shift my position, until I was opposite to another cage, but not until the pelican, for it was that brute, had drawn as much blood from me as would have fed his young for a week. T was surmising what danger I should next encounter, when to my joy I discovered that I had gained the open door from which the lioness had escaped. I crawled in, and pulled the door to after me, thinking myself very fortunate ; and there I sat very quietly in 114< PETER SIMPLE. a corner during the remainder of the noise and confusion. I had not been there but a few minutes, when the beef-eaters, as they were called, who played the music outside, came in with torches and loaded muskets. The sight which presented itself was truly shocking; twenty or thirty men, women, and children, lay on the ground, and I thought at first the lioness had killed them all, but they were only in fits, or had been trampled down by the crowd. No one was seriously hurt. As for the lioness, she was not to be found ; and as soon as it was ascertained that she had escaped, there was as much terror and scampering away outside, as there had been in the menagerie. It appeared afterwards, that the animal had been as much frightened as we had been, and had secreted herself under one of the waggons. It Avas some time before she could be found. At last O'Brien, who was a very brave fellow, went a- head of the beef-eaters, and saw her eyes glar- ing. They borrowed a net or two from the carts which had brought calves to the fair, and threw them over her. When she was fairly PETER SIMPLE. 115 entangled, they dragged her by the tail into the menagerie. All this while I had remained very quietly in the den, but when I perceived that its lawful owner had come back to retake possession, I thought it was time to come out ; so I called to my messmates, who, with O'Brien were assisting the beef-eaters. They had not discovered me, and laughed very much when they saw where I was. One of the midshipmen shot the bolt of the door, so that I could not jump out, and then stirred me up with a long pole. At last I contrived to unbolt it again, and got out, when they laughed still more, at the seat of my trowsers being torn off. It was not exactly a laughing matter to me, al- though I had to congratulate myself upon a very lucky escape ; and so did my messmates think, when I narrated my adventures. The pelican was the worst part of the business. O'Brien lent me a dark silk handkerchief, which I tied round my waist, and let drop behind, so that my misfortunes might not attract any notice, and then we quitted the menagerie ; but I was so stiff that I could scarcely walk. 116 PETER SIMPLE. We then went to what they called the Rane- lagh Gardens to see the fireworks which were to be let off at ten o**clock. It was exactly ten when we paid for our admission, and we waited very patiently for a quarter of an hour, but there were no signs of the fire works being dis- played. The fact was, that the man to whom the gardens belonged, waited until more company should arrive, although the place was already very full of people. Now the first lieutenant had ordered the boat to wait for us until twelve o'clock, and then return on board; and as we were seven miles from Portsmouth, we had not much time to spare. We waited another quarter of an hour, and then it was agreed that as the fireworks were stated in the handbill to com- mence precisely at ten o'clock, that we were fully justified in letting them off ourselves. O'Brien went out and returned with a dozen penny rattans, which he notched in the end. The fireworks were on the posts and stages, all ready, and it was agreed that we should light them all at once, and then mix with the crowd. The oldsters lighted cigars, and fixing them in PETER SIMPLE. 117 the notched end of the canes, continued to pufF them until they were all well lighted. They handed one to each of us, and at a signal we all applied them to the match papers, and soon as the fire communicated, we threw down our canes and ran in among the crowd. In about half a minute, off they all went in the most beauti- ful confusion ; there were silver stars and golden stars, blue ligh ts and Catherine-wheels, mines and bombs, Grecian- fires and Roman- candles, Chinese trees, rockets and illumin- ated mottoes, all firing away, cracking, pop- ping, and fizzing, at the same time. It was unanimously agreed that it was a great im- provement upon the intended show. The man to whom the gardens belonged ran out of a booth where he had been drinking beer at his ease, while his company were waiting, swearing vengeance against the perpetrators ; indeed, the next day he offered fifty pounds reward for the discovery of the offenders. But I think that he was treated very properly. He was, in his situation, a servant of the public, and he had behaved as if he was their master. We all 118 PETER SIMPLE. escaped very cleverly, and taking another dilly, arrived at Portsmouth, and were dovvn to the boat in good time. The next day I was so stiff and in such pain, that I was obliged to go to the doctor, who put me on the list, where I remained a week before I could re- turn to my duty. So much for Postdown fair. It was on a Saturday that I returned to my duty, and Sunday being a fine day, we all went on shore to church with Mr. Falcon, the first lieutenant. We liked going to church very much, not, I am sorry to say, from religious feelings, but for the folio v/ing reason : — the first lieutenant sat in a pew below, and we were placed in the gallery above, where he could not see us, nor indeed could we see him. We all remained very quiet, and I may say very devout, during the time of the service, but the clergyman who delivered the sermon was so tedious, and had such a bad voice, that we generally slipped out as soon as he went up into the pulpit, and adjourned to a pastry- cook's opposite, to eat cakes and tarts and drink PETER SIMPLE. 119 cherry brandy, which we infinitely preferred to hearing a sermon. Some how or other, the first lieutenant had scent of our proceedings : we believed that the marine officer informed against us, and this Sunday he served us a pretty trick. We had been at the pastry-cook's as usual, and as soon as we perceived the people coming out of church, we put all our tarts and sweetmeats into our hats, which we then slipped on our heads, and took our station at the church-door, as if we had just come down from the gallery, and had been waiting for him. Instead, however, of appearing at the church- door, he walked up the street, and desired us to follow him to the boat. The fact was, he had been in the back-room at the pastry-cook's watching our motions through the green blinds. We had no suspicion, but thought that he had come out of church a little sooner than usual. When we arrived on board and followed him up the side, he said to us as we came on deck, — " Walk aft, young gentlemen." We did; and he desired us to "toe a line," which means to stand in a row. 120 PETER SIMPLE. '• Now, Mr. Dixon," said he, "what was the text to-day ?" As he very often asked us that question, we always left one in the church until the text was given out, who brought it to us in the pastry-cook's shop, when we all marked it in our bibles to be ready if he asked us. Dixon immediately pulled out his bible where he had marked down the leaf, and read it. " O ! that was it,'' said Mr. Falcon ; " you must have remarkably good ears, Mr. Dixon, to have heard the clergyman from the pastry-cook's shop. Now, gentlemen, hats off, if you please." We all slided off our hats, which, as he expected, were full of pastry. '' Really, gentlemen," said he, feeling the dif- ferent papers of pastry knd sweetmeats, " I am quite delighted to perceive that you have not been to church for nothing. Few come away with so many good things pressed upon their seat of memory. Master-at-arms, send all the ship's boys aft." The boys all came tumbling up the ladders, and the first lieutenant desired each of them to take a seat upon the carronade slides. When PETER SIMPLE. l21 they were all stationed, he ordered us to go round with our hats and request of each his accep- tance of a tart, which we were obliged to do, handing first to one and then to another, until the hats were all empty. Wliat annoyed me more than all, was the grinning of the boys at their being served by us like footmen, as well as the ridicule and laughter of the whole ship'*s company, who had assembled at the gangways. When all the pastry was devoured, the first lieutenant said, " There, gentlemen, now that you have had your lesson for the day^ you may go below." We could not help laughing our- selves, when we went down into the berth ; Mr. Falcon always punished so good-humou redly, and, in some way or other, his punishments were severally connected with the description of the offence. He always had a remedy for every thing that he disapproved of, and the ship's company used to call him 'Remedy Jack.' I ought to ob- serve that some of my messmates were very severe upon the ship's boys after that circum- stance, always giving them a kick or a cuff on the VOL. I. n 122 PETER SIMPLE. head whenever they could, teUing them at the same time " There's another tart for you, you whelp/' I believe, if the boys had known what w as in reserve for them, they would much rather have left the pastry alone. TETEll SIMPLE. 123 CHAPTER X. A Pressgang ; beaten off by one woman — Dangers at at Spit-head and Point — A treat for both parties of pulled-chicken, at my expense — Also gin for twenty — I am made a prisoner ; escape and rejoin my ship. I MUST now relate what occurred to me a few days before the ship sailed, which will prove that it is not necessary to encounter the winds and waves, or the cannon of the enemy, to be in danger, when you have entered his majesty's service : on the contrary, I have been in action since, and I declare, without hesitation, that I did not feel so much alarm on that occasion, as I did on the one of which I am about to give the history. We were re- ported ready for sea, and the Admiralty was anxious that we should proceed. The only obstacle to our sailing was, that we had not yet G 2 124 PETER SIMPLE. completed our complement of men. The captain applied to the port admiral, and obtained per- mission to send parties on shore to impress seamen. The second and third lieutenants, and the oldest midshipmen, were despatched on shore every night, with some of the most trustworthy men, and generally brought on board in the morning about half a dozen men, whom they had picked up in the different ale- houses or grog-shops, as the sailors call them. Some of them were retained, but most of them sent on shore as unserviceable; for it is the custom, when a man either enters, or is im- pressed, to send him down to the surgeon in the cockpit, w4iere he is stripped and examined all over, to see if he be sound and fit for his majesty's service ; and if not, he is sent on shore again. Impressing appeared to be rather serious work, as far as I could judge from the accounts which I heard, and from the way in which our sailors, who were employed on the service, were occasionally beaten and w^ounded ; the seamen who. were impressed appearing to fight as hard not to be forced into the service, as they did for PETER SIMPLE. 125 the honour of the country, after they were fairly embarked in it. I had a great wish to be one of the party before the ship sailed, and asked CBrien, who was very kind to me in general, and allowed nobody to thrash me but himself, if he would take me with him, which he did on the night after I had made the request. I put on my dirk, that they might know I was an officer, as well as for my protection. About dusk we rowed on shore, and landed on the Gosport side: the men were all armed with cutlasses, and wore pea jackets, which are very short great coats made of what they call Flushing. We did not stop to look at any of the grog-shops in the town, as it was too early, but walked out about three miles in the suburbs, and went to a house, the door of which was locked, but we forced it open in a minute, and hastened to enter the passage, where we found the landlady standing to defend the entrance. The passage was long and narrow, and she was a very tall corpulent woman, so that her body nearly filled it up, and in her hands she held a long spit pointed at us, with which she kept us at bay. The officers, who were the foremost, did not 126 PETER SIMPLE. like to attack a woman, and she made such drives at them with her spit, that had they not retreated, some of them would soon have been' ready for roasting. The sailors laughed and stood outside, leaving the officers to settle the business how they could. At last, the landlady called out to her husband, " Be they all out, Jem ?"" " Yes,*" replied the husband, " they be all safe gone." " Well, then," replied she, " I'll soon have all these gone too;" and with these words she made such a rush forward upon us with her spit, that had we not fallen back and tumbled one over another, she certainly would have run it through the second lieute- nant, who commanded the party. The passage was cleared in an instant, and as soon as we were all in the street she bolted us out; so there we were, three officers arid fifteen armed men, fairly beat off by a fat old woman ; the sailors who had been drinking in the house having made their escape to some other place. But I do not well see how it could be other- wise : either we must have killed or wounded the woman, or she would have run us through, she was so resolute. Had her husband been in PETER SIMPLE. 127 the passage, he would have been settled in a very short time ; but what can you do with a woman who fights like a devil, and yet claims all the rights and immunities of the softer sex ? We all walked away, looking very foolish, and O'Brien observed that the next time he called at that house he would weather the old cat, for he would take her ladyship in the rear. We then called at other houses, where we picked up one or two men, but most of them es- caped by getting out at the windows or the back doors, as we entered the front. Now there was a grog-shop which was a very favourite rendezvous of the seamen belonging to the merchant vessels, and to which they were ac- customed to retreat when they heard that the pressgangs were out. Our officers were aware of this, and were therefore indifferent as to the escape of the men, as they knew that they would all go to that place, and confide in their numbers for beating us off. As it was then one o'clock, they thought it time to go there ; we proceeded without any noise, but they had people on the look out, and as soon as we 128 PETER SIMPLE. turned the corner of the lane the alarm was given. I was afraid that they would all run away, and we should lose them ; but, on the contrary, they mustered very strong on that night, and had resolved to " give fight." The men remained in the house, but an advanced guard of about thirty of their wives saluted us with a shower of stones and mud. Some of our sailors were hurt, but they did not appear to mind what the women did. They rushed on, and then they were attacked by the women with their fists and nails. Notwith- standing this, the sailors only laughed, pushing the women on one side, and saying, " Be quiet, Poll ;"—" Don't be foolish, Molly;"—" Out of the way, Sukey : we a'n't come come to take away your fancy man ;" with expressions of that sort, although the blood trickled down many of their faces, from the way in which they had been clawed. Thus we attempted to force our way through them, but I had a very narrow escape even in this instance. A woman seized me by the arm, and pulled me towards her ; had it not been for one of the quarter-masters PETER SI-MPLE. 129 I should have been separated from my party, but, just as they dragged me away, he caught hold of me by the leg, and stopped them. " Clap on here, Peg," cried the woman to an- other, *' and let's have this little midshipmite ; I vants a baby to dry nurse/' Two more women came to her assistance, catching hold of my other arm, and they would have dragged me out of the grasp of the quarter-master had he not called out for more help on his side, upon which two of the seamen laid hold of my . other leg, and there was such a tussle, (all at my expense,) such pulling and hauling : some- times the women gained an inch or two of me, then the sailors got it back again. At one moment I thought it was all over with me, and in the next 1 was with my own men. " Pull devil; pull baker !" cried the women, and then they laughed, although I did not, 1 can assure you, for I really think that I was pulled out an inch taller, and my knees and shoulders pained me very much indeed. At last the women laughed so much, that they could not hold on, that I was dragged into the middle of our own G 5 130 PETER SIMPLE. sailors, where I took care to remain ; and after a little more squeezing and fighting, was carried by the crowd into the house. The seamen of the merchant ships had armed themselves with bludgeons and other weapons, and had taken a position on the tables. They were more than two to one against us, and there was a dread- ful fight, as their resistance was very desperate. Our sailors were obliged to use their cutlasses, and for a few minutes I was quite bewildered with the shouting and swearing, pushing and scuffling, collaring and fighting, together with the dust raised up, which not only blinded, but nearly choked me. By the time that my breath was nearly squeezed out of my body, our sailors got the best of it, which the landlady and women in the house perceiving, they put out all the lights, so that I could not tell where I was ; but our sailors had every one seized his man, and contrived to haul him out of the street door, where they were collected together, and secured. Now again I was in great difficulty ; I had been knocked down and trod upon, and when I PETER SIMPLE. 131 did contrive to get up again, I did not know the direction in which the door lay. I felt about by the wall, and at last came to a door, for the room was at that time nearly empty, the women having followed the men out of the house ; I opened it, and found that it was not the right one, but led into a little side parlour, where there was a fire, but no lights. I had just discovered my mistake, and was about to retreat, when I was shoved in from behind, and the key turned upon me ; there I was all alone, and, I must acknowledge, very much frightened, as I thought that the vengeance of the women would be wreaked upon me. I considered that my death was certain, and that, like the man Or- pheus I had read of in my books, I should be torn to pieces by these Bacchanals. However, I reflected that I was an officer in his majesty's service, and that it was my duty, if necessary, to sacrifice my life for my king and country. I thought of my poor mother; but as it made me unhappy, I tried to forget her, and call to my memory all I had read of the fortitude and courage of various brave men, when death stared 132 PETER SIMPLE. them in the face. I peeped through the key- hole, and perceived that the candles were re- lighted, and that there were only women in the room, who were talking all at once, and not thinking about me. But in a minute or two, a woman came in from the street, with her long black hair hanging about her shoulders, and her cap in her hand. " Well," cried she, " they've nabbed my husband ; but I'll be dished if I hav'n't boxed up the midshipmite in that parlour, and he shall take his place." I thought I should have died when I looked at the woman, and perceived her coming up to the door, fol- lowed by some others, to unlock it. As the door opened, I drew my dirk, resolving to die like an officer, and as they advanced I retreated to a corner, brandishing my dirk, without say- ing a word. " Veil," cried the woman who had made me a prisoner, " I do declare I likes to see a puddle in a storm —only look at the little biscuit nibbler showing fight. Come, my lovey, you belongs to me." " Never !" exclaimed I with indignation. " Keep oft", or I shall do you mischief," (and I PETER SIMPLE. 133 raised my dirk in advance ;) '' I am an officer and a gentleman." " Sail," cried the odious woman, " fetch a mop and a pail of dirty water, and I'll trundle that dirk out of his fist." " No, no,"" replied another rather good-looking young woman, " leave him to me — don''t hurt him — he really is a very nice little man. What's your name, my dear ? " " Peter Simple is my name," replied I ; "and I am a king's officer, so be careful what you are about." " Don't be afraid, Peter, nobody shall hurt you ; but you must not draw your dirk before ladies, that's not like an officer and a gentleman — so put up your dirk, thaf s a good boy." " I will not," replied T, " unless you promise me that I shall go away unmolested." "I do promise you that you shall, upon my word, Peter— upon my honour — will that content you ? " " Yes," replied I, "if every one else will promise the same." " Upon our honours," they all cried toge- 134 PETER SIMPLE. ther ; upon which I was satisfied, and putting my dirk into its sheath, was about to quit the room. " Stop, Peter," said the young woman who had taken my part ; " I must have a kiss before you go." " And so must I ; and so must we all," cried the other women. I was very much shocked, and attempted to draw my dirk again, but they had closed in with me, and prevented me. " Recollect your ho- nour," cried I to the young woman, as I struggled. " My honour ! — Lord bless you, Peter, the less we say about that, the better." " But you promised that I should go away quietly," said I, appealing to them. " Well, and so you shall ; but recollect, Peter, that you are an officer and a gentleman— you surely would not be so shabby as to go away without treating us. What money have you got in your pocket ? " and, without giving me time to answer, she felt in my pocket, and pulled out my purse, which she opened. '' Why, Peter, you are as rich as a Jew," said PETER SIMPLE. 135 she, as they counted thirty shillings on the table. " Now what shall we have." " Any thing you please," said I^ " provided that you will let me go." " Well, then, it shall be a gallon of gin. Sail, call Mrs. Flanagan. Mrs. Flanagan, we want a gallon of gin, and clean glasses." Mrs. Flanagan received the major part of my money, and in a minute returned with the gin and wine glasses. '* Now, Peter, my cove, lefs all draw round the table, and make ourselves cosey." " O no," replied 1, " take my money, drink the gin, but pray let me go ; " but they wouldn't listen to me. Then I was obliged to sit down with them, the gin was poured out, and they made me drink a glass, which nearly choked me. It had, however, one good effect, it gave me courage, and in a minute or two, I felt as if I could fight them all. The door of the room was on the same side as the fire-place, and I perceived that the poker was between the bars, and red hot. I complained that I was cold, although I was in a burning fever; and they 136 PETKK SIMPLE. allowed me to get up to warm my hands. As soon as I reached the fire-place, I snatched out the redhot poker, and, brandishing it over my head, made for the door. They all jumped up to detain me, but I made a poke at the foremost, ■which made her run back with a shriek, (I do believe that I burnt her nose.) I seized my opportunity, and escaped into the street, whirl- ing the poker round my head : while all the women followed, hooting and shouting after me. I never stopped running and whirling my poker until I was reeking with perspiration, and the poker was quite cold. Then I looked back, and found that I was alone. It was very dark; every house was shut up, and not a light to be seen any where. I stopped at a corner, not knowing where I was, or what I was to do. I felt very miserable indeed, and was reflecting on my wisest plan, when who should turn the corner, but one of the quarter-masters who had been left on shore by accident. I knew him by his pea jacket and straw hat to be one of our men, and I was delighted to see him. I told him what had happened, and he replied that he PETER SIMPLE. 137 was going to a house where the people knew him and would let him in. When we arrived there, the people of the house were very civil ; the landlady made us some purl, which the quarter-master ordered, and which I thought very good indeed. After we had finished the jug, we both fell asleep in our chairs. I did not awaken until I was roused by the quarter- master, at past seven o'clock, when we took a wherry, and went off to the ship. 138 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER XT. O'Brien takes me under his protection — The ship's company are paid;, so are the bumboat- women, the Jews, and the emancipationist after a fashion — We go to sea — Doctor O'Brien's cure for sea-sickness — One pill of the Doctor's more than a dose. AVhen we arrived, I reported myself to the first lieutenant, and told him the whole story of he manner in which I had been treated, show- ing him the poker, which I brought on board with me. He heard me very patiently, and then said, " Well, Mr. Simple, you may be the greatest fool of your family for all I know to the contrary, but never pretend to be a fool with me. That poker proves the contrary ; and if your wit can serve you upon your own emer- gency, I expect that it will be employed for the benefit of the service." He then sent for O'Brien, PETER SIMPLE. 139 and gave him a lecture for allowing me to go with the pressgang, pointing out, what was very true, that I could have been of no service, and might have met with a serious accident. I went down on the main deck, and O'Brien came to me. " Peter," said he, " I have been jawed for letting you go, so it is but fair that you should be thrashed for having asked me." I wished to argue the point, but he cut all argu- ment short, by kicking me down the hatchway ; and thus ended my zealous attempt to procure seamen for his majesty's service. At last the frigate was full manned ; and, as we had received drafts of men from other ships, we were ordered to be paid previously to our going to sea. The people on shore always find out when a ship is to be paid, and very early in the morning we were surrounded with wherries, laden with Jews and other people, some request- ing admittance to sell their goods, others to get paid for what they had allowed the sailors to take up upon credit. But the first lieutenant would not allow any of them to come on board until after the ship was paid ; although they 140 PETER SIMPLE. were so urgent, that he was forced to place sen- tries in the chains with cold shot, to stave the boats if thej came alongside. I was standing at the gangway, looking at the crowd of boats, when a black looking fellow in one of the wherries said to me, ** I say, sir, let me slip in at the port, and I have a very nice pre- sent to make you ; " and he displayed a gold seal, which he held up to me. I immediately ordered the sentry to keep him farther off, for I was very much affronted at his supposing me capable of being bribed to disobey my orders. About eleven o''clock the dock-yard boat, with all the pay clerks, and the cashier, with his chest of money, came on board, and was shown into the fore-cabin, where the captain attended the pay- table. The men were called in, one by one, and, as the amount of wages due had been previously calculated, they were paid very fast. The money was always received in their hats, after it had been counted out in the presence of the officers and captain. Outside the cabin door, there stood a tall man in black, with hair straight combed, who had obtained an order from the Port Ad- PETER SIMPLE. 141 miral to be permitted to come on board. He attacked every sailor as he came out, with his money in his hat, for a subscription to emancipate the slaves in the West Indies ; but the sailors would not give him any thing, swear- ing that the niggers were better off than they were ; for they did not work harder by day, and had no watch and watch to keep during the night. " Sarvitude is sarvitude all over the world, my old psalm singer," replied one. "They sarve their masters, as in duty bound ; we sarve the king, 'cause he can't do without us — and he never axes our leave, but helps himself." " Yes," replied the straight-haired gentle- man ; " but slavery is a very different thing." " Can't say that I see any difference; do you. Bill?" " Not I ; and I suppose as if they didn't like it, they'd run away." "Run away ! poor creatures," said the black gentleman. " Why if they did, they would be flogged." " Flogged— heh ; well, and if we run away, we are to be hanged. The nigger's better off 142 PETER SIMPLE. nor we; ar'n't he, Tom?'** Then the purser's steward came out ; he was what they call a bit of a lawyer, that is, had received more edu- cation than the seamen in general. " I trust, sir," said the man in black, " that you will contribute something."" " Not I, my hearty ; I owe every farthing of my money, and more too, I'm afraid." " Still, sir, a small trifle." " Why, what an infernal rascal you must be, to ask a man to give away what is not his own property. Did I not tell that I owed it all ? There's an old proverb — be just before youVe generous. Now, it's my opinion, that you are a methodistical good for nothing blackguard: and, if any one is such a fool as to give you money, you will keep it for yourself." When the man found that he could obtain nothing at the door, he went down on the lower deck, in which he did not act very wisely ; for now that the men were paid, the boats were permitted to come alongside, and so much spirits were smuggled in, that most of the seamen were more or less in- FETER SIMPLE. 143 toxicated. As soon as he went below, he com- menced distributing prints of a black man kneeling in chains, and saying, " Am not I your brother ? " Some of the men laughed, and swore that they would paste their brother up in the mess, to say prayers for the ship'^s company ; but others were very angry, and abused him. At last, one man, who was tipsy, came up to him. " Do you pretend for to insinivate that this crying black thief is my brother ? '* " To be sure I do," replied the methodist. " Then take that for your infernal lie," said the sailor, hitting him in the face right and left, and knocking the man down into the cable tier, from whence he climbed up, and made his escape out of the frigate as soon as he was able. The ship was now in a state of confusion and uproar ; there were Jews trying to sell clothes, or to obtain money for clothes which they had sold ; bumboat men and bumboat women show- ing their long bills, and demanding or coaxing for payment ; other people from the shore, with hundreds of small debts ; and the sailors' wives, sticking close to them, and disputing every bill 144 PETER SIMPLE. presented, as an extortion or a robbery. There were such bawling and threatening, laughing and crying — for the women were all to quit the ship before sunset — at one moment a Jew was upset, and all his hamper of clothes tossed into the hold ; at another, a sailor was seen hunt- ing everywhere for a Jew who had cheated him, — all squabbling or skylarking, and many of them very drunk. It appeared to me that the sailors had rather a difficult point to settle. They had three claimants upon them, the Jew for clothes, the bumboat men for their mess in harbour, and their wives for their support during their ab- sence ; and the money which they received was, generally speaking, not more than sufficient to meet one of the demands. As it may be sup- posed, the women had the best of it ; the others were paid a trifle, and promised the remainder when they came back from their cruize ; and although, as the case stood then, it might appear that two of the parties were ill used, yet in the long run they were more than indemnified, for their charges were so extravagant, that if one- third of their bills were paid, there would still PETER SIMPLE. 145 remain a profit. About five o'clock, the orders were given for the ship to be cleared. All dis- puted points were settled by the sergeant of marines with a party, who divided their an- tagonists from the Jews ; and every descrip- tion of persons not belonging to the ship, whether male or female, was dismissed over the side. The hammocks were piped down, those who were intoxicated were put to bed, and the ship was once more quiet. Nobody was punished for having been tipsy, as pay- day is considered, on board a man-of-war, as the winding up of all incorrect behaviour, and from that day the sailors turn over a new leaf; for, although some latitude is permitted, and the seamen are seldom flogged in harbour, yet the moment that the anchor is at the bows, strict discipline is exacted, and intoxication must no longer hope to be forgiven. The next day every thing was prepared for sea, and no leave was permitted to the officers. Stock of every kind was brought on board, and the large boats hoisted and secured. On the morning after, at day-light, a signal from VOL. I. 11 146 PETER SIMPLE. the flag-ship in harbour was made for us to unmoor ; our orders had come down to cruize in the Bay of Biscay. The captain came on board, the anchor weighed, and we ran through the Needles with a fine N.E. breeze. I ad- mired the scenery of the Isle of Wight, looked with admiration at Alum Bay, was astonished at the Needle rocks, and then felt so very ill that I went down below. What occurred for the next six days I cannot tell. I thought that I should die every moment, and lay in my hammock or on the chests for the whole of that time, incapable of eating, drinking, or walking about. O'Brien came to me on the seventh morning, and said, that if I did not exert myself I never should get well, that he was very fond of me and had taken me under his protection, and, to prove his regard, he would do for me what he v/ould not take the trouble to do for any other youngster in the ship, which was, to give me a good basting, which was a sovereign reniedy for sea-sickness. He suited the action to the word, and drubbed me on the ribs without mercy, until I thought PETER SIMPLE. 147 the breath was out of my body, and then he took out a ropers end and thrashed me until I obeyed his orders to go on deck immediately. Before he came to me, I could have never believed it possible that I could have obeyed him, but somehow or another I did contrive to crawl up the ladder to the main-deck, where I sat down on the shot-racks and cried bitterly. What would I have given to have been at home again! It was not my fault that I was the greatest fool in the family, yet how was I punish- ed for it ! If this was kindness from O'Brien, what had I to expect from those who were not partial to me ? But, by degrees, I recovered myself, and certainly felt a great deal better, and that night I slept very soundly. The next morning O'Brien came to me again. " It's a nasty slow fever, that sea-sickness, my Peter, and we must drive it out of you;" and then he commenced a repetition of yesterday's re- medy until I was almost a jelly. Whether the fear of being thrashed drove away my sea-sickness, or whatever might be the real cause of it, I do not know, but this is certain. H 2 ]48 PETER SIMPLE. that I felt no more of it after the second beating, and the next morning when I awoke I was very hungry. I hastened to dress myself before O'Brien came to me, and did not see him until we met at breakfast. " Pater,'** said he, '' let me feel 3^our pulse.*" " O no !"" replied I, " indeed I'm quite well." " Quite well ! Can you eat biscuit and salt butter ?" " Yes, I can." " And a piece of fat pork ?''^ "Yes, that I can.'' " It's thanks to me then, Pater," replied he ; " so you'll have no more of my medicine until you fall sick again." " I hope not," replied I, ''for it was not very pleasant." " Pleasant ! you simple Simple, when did you ever hear of physic being pleasant, unless a man prescribe for himself.'* I suppose you'd be after lollipops for the yellow fever. Live and larn, boy, and thank Heaven that you've found somebody who loves you well enough to baste you when it's good for your health." PETER SIMPLE. 149 I replied, " that I certainly hoped that much as I felt obliged to him, I should not require any more proofs of his regard." " Any more such striking proofs, you mean, Pater ; but let me tell you that they were sincere proofs, for since you've been ill I've been eating your pork and drinking your grog, which latter can't be too plentiful in the Bay of Biscay. And now that I've cured you, you'll be tucking all that into your own little breadbasket, so that I'm no gainer, and I think that you may be convinced that you never had or will have two more disinterested thumpings in all your born days. However, you're very welcome, so say no more about it."" I held my tongue and eat a very hearty breakfast. From that day I returned to my duty, and was put into the same watch with O'Brien, who spoke to the first lieutenant, and told him that he had taken me under his charge. loO PETEIv SIMPLE. CHAPTER XII. NeAv theory of Mr. Muddle remarkable for having no end to it — Novel practice of Mr. Chucks — O'Brien commences his history — There were giants in those days — I bring up the master's night glass. As I have already mentioned sufficient of the captain and the first lieutenant to enable the reader to gain an insight into their characters, I shall now mention two very odd personages who were my shipmates, the carpenter and the boatswain. The carpenter, whose name was Muddle, used to go by the appellation of Philosopher Chips, not that he followed any particular school, but had formed a theory of his own, from which he was not to be dis- suaded. This was, that the universe had its cycle of events turned round, so that in a certain period of time every thing was to PETER SIMPLE. 151 happen over again. I never could make him explain upon what data his calcula- tions were founded : he said, that if he ex- plained it, I was too young to comprehend it; but the fact was this, "that in 27,672 years every thing that was going on now would be going on again, with the same people as were existing at this present time." He very seldom ventured to make the remark to Captain Savage, but to the first lieutenant he did very often. " IVe been as close to it as possible, sir, I do assure you, although you find fault ; but 27,672 years ago you were first lieutenant of this ship, and I was carpenter, although we recollect nothing about it; and 27,672 years hence we shall both be standing by this boat, talking about the repairs, as we are now.^"* " I do not doubt it, Mr. Muddle," replied the first lieutenant ; '' I dare say that it is all very true ; but the repairs must be finished this night, and 27,672 years hence you will have the order just as positive as you have it now, so let it be done." This theory made him very indifferent as lo2 PETER SIMPLE. to danger, or indeed as to any thing. It was of no consequence, the aifair took its station in the course of time. It had happened at the above period, and would happen again. Fate was fate. But the boatswain was a more amusing personage. He was considered to be the faughtest (that is, the most active and severe) boatswain in the service. He went by the name of " Gentleman Chucks," — the latter was his surname. He appeared to have re- ceived half an education ; sometimes his lan- guage was for a few sentences remarkably well chosen, but, all of a sudden, he would break down at a hard word ; but I shall be able to let the reader into more of his history as I go on with my adventures. He had a very handsome person, inclined to be stout, keen eyes, and hair curling in ringlets. He held his head up, and strutted as he walked. He declared " that an officer should look like an officer, and comport himself accordingly." In his person he was very clean, wore rings on his great fingers, and a large frill to his bosom. PETER SIMPLE. 153 which stuck out like the back fin of a perch, and the collar of his shirt was always pulled up to a level with his cheek bones. He never appeared on deck without his '^ persuader,'' which was three rattans twisted into one, like a cable; sometimes he called it his Order of the Bath, or his Trio juncto in uno; and this persuader was seldom idle. He attempted to be very polite, even when addressing the common seamen, and, certainly, he always commenced his observations to them in a very gracious manner, but, as he continued, he became less choice in his phraseology. O'Brien said that his speeches were like the Sin of the poet, very fair at the upper part of them, but shocking at the lower extremities. As a specimen of them, he would say to the man on the forecastle, " Allow me to observe, my dear man, in the most delicate way in the world, that you are spilling that tar upon the deck — a deck, sir, if I may venture to make the observation, I had the duty of seeing holystoned this morning. You understand me, sir, you have defiled his majesty's forecastle. h5 154 PETER SIMPLE. I must do my duty, sir, if you neglect yours ; so take that — and that — and that — (thrashing the man with his rattan) — youd — d haymaking son of a sea cook. Do it again, d — n your eyes, and I'll cut your liver out." I remember one of the ship's boys going forward with a kid of dirty water to empty in the head, without putting his hand up to his hat, as he passed the boatswain. " Stop, my little friend," said the boatswain, pulling out his frill, and raising up both sides of his shirt collar. *' Are you aware, sir, of my rank and station in society ?^' " Yes, sir," replied the boy, trembling and eyeing the rattan. " Oh, you are !" replied Mr. Chucks. "Had you not been aware of it, I should have con- sidered a gentle correction necessary, that you might have avoided such an error in future ; but, as you were aware of it, why then, d — n you, you have no excuse, so take that — and that — you yelping, half-starved abortion. I really beg your pardon, Mr. Simple,'' said he to me, as the boy went howling forward, for I PETER SIMPLE. 155 was walking with him at the time ; but really the service makes brutes of us all. It is hard to sacrifice our health, our night's rest, and our comforts; but still more so, that in my responsible situation, I am obliged too often to sacrifice my gentility." The master ^vas the officer who had charge of the watch to which I was stationed ; he was a very rough sailor, who had been brought up in the merchant service, not much of a gentleman in his appearance, very good-tem- pered, and very fond of grog. He always quarrelled with the boatswain, and declared that the service was going to the devil, now that warrant officers put on white shirts, and wore frills to them. But the boatswain did not care for him ; he knew his duty, he did his duty, and if the captain was satisfied, he said, that the whole ship's company might grumble. As for the master, he said, the man was very well, but having been brought up in a collier, he could not be expected to be very refined ; in fact, he observed, pulling up his shirt collar — " it was impossible to make a 156 PETER SIMPLE. silk purse out of a sow's ear." The master was very kind to me, and used to send me down to my hammock before my watch was half over. Until that time, 1 walked the deck with O'Brien, who was a very pleasant companion, and taught me every thing that he could, con- nected with my profession. One night, when we had the middle watch, I told him I should like very much if he would give me the history of his life. " That I will, my honey," replied he, '' all that I can remember of it, though I have no doubt but that IVe forgotten the best part of it. It's now within five minutes of two bells, so we'll heave the log and mark the board, and then I'll spin you a yarn, which will keep both of us from going to sleep." O'Brien reported the rate of sailing to the master, marked it down on the log-board, and then returned. " So now, my boy, I'll come to an anchor on the topsail halyard rack, and you may squeeze your thread-paper little carcase under my lee, and then I'll tell you all about it. First and foremost, you must know that I am descended PETEK SIMPLE. 15 Oi from the great O'Brien Borru, who was a king in his time, as the great Fingal was before him. Of course youVe heard of Fingal." " I can't say that I ever did," replied I. " Never heard of Fingal ! —murder ! Where must you have been all your life ? Well, then, to give you some notion of Fingal, I will first tell you how Fingal bothered the great Scotch giant, and then I'll go on with my own story. Fingal, you must know, was a giant himself, and no fool of one, and any one that affronted him was as sure of a bating, as I am to keep the middle watch to-niglit. But there was a giant in Scotland as tall as the mainmast, more or less, as we say when we a'n't quite sure, as it saves telling more lies than there's occasion for. Well, this Scotch giant heard of Fingal, and how he had beaten everybody, and he said, ' Who is this Fingal ? By Jasus," says he in Scotch, ' I'll just walk over and see what he's made of.' So he w^alked across the Irish Chan- nel, and landed within half a mile of Belfast, but whether he was out of his depth or not I can't tell, although I suspect that he was not 158 PETER SIMPLE. dry-footed. AVhen Fingal heard that this great chap was coming over, he was in a devil of a fright, for they told him that the Scotchman was taller by a few feet or so. Giants, you know, measure by feet, and don"'t bother them- selves about the inches, as we little devils are obliged to do. So Fingal kept a sharp look out for the Scotchman, and one fine morning, there he was, sure enough, coming up the hill to Fingal's house. If Fingal was afraid before, he had more reason to be afraid when he saw the fellow, for he looked for all the world like the monument upon a voyage of discovery. So Fingal ran into his house, and called to his wife Shaya, ' My vourneen,' says he, ' be quick now ; there's that big bully of a Scotchman coming up the hill. Kiver me up with the blankets, and if he asks who is in bed, tell him it's the child.' So Fingal laid down on the bed, and his wife had just time to cover him up, when in comes the Scotchman, and though he stooped low, he broke his head against the portal. ' Where's that baste Fingal ?' says he, rubbing his forehead ; ' show PETER SIMPLE. 159 him to me, that I may give him a bating.' ' Whist, whist V cries Shay a, ' you'll wake the babby, and then him that you talk of bating will be the death of you, if he comes in.' ' Is that the babby ?"" cried the Scotchman with surprise, looking at the great carcase muffled up in the blankets. ' Sure it is,' replied Shaya, and Fingal's babby too; so don't you wake him, or Fingal will twist your neck in a minute.' ' By the cross of St. Andrew,' re- plied the giant, then it's time for me to be off; for if that's his babby, I'll be but a mouthful to the fellow himself. Good morning to ye.' So the Scotch giant ran out of the house, and never stopped to eat or drink until he got back to his own hills, foreby he was nearly drowned in having mistaken his passage across the Channel in his great hurry. Then Fingal got up and laughed, as well he might, at his own 'cuteness ; and so ends my story about Fingal. And now I'll begin about myself. As I said before, I am descended from the great O'Brien, who was a king in his time, but that time's past. I suppose, as the world turns round, my 160 PETER SIMPLE. children's children's posterity may be kings again, although there seems but little chance of it just now; but there's ups and downs on a grand scale, as well as in a man's own history, and the wheel of fortune keeps turning for the comfort of those who are at the lowest spoke, as I may be just now. To cut the story a little shorter, I skip down to my great-grand- father, who lived like a real gentleman, as he was, upon his ten thousand a-year. At last he died, and eight thousand of the ten was buried with him. My grandfather followed his father all in good course of time, and only left my father about one hundred acres of bog to keep up the dignity of the family. I am the youngest of ten, and devil a copper have I but my pay, or am I likely to have. You may talk about descent^ but a more descending family than mine was never in existence, for here am I with twenty-five pounds a-year, and a half-pay of ' nothing a-day, and find myself,' when my great ancestor did just what he pleased with all Ireland, and every body in it. But this is all nothing, ex- cept to prove satisfactorily that I am not worth a PETER SIMPLE. 161 skillagalee, and that is the reason which induced me to condescend to serve his majesty. Father M'Grath, the priest, who lived with my father, taught me the elements, as they call them. I thought I had enough of the elements then, but I've seen a deal more of them since. * Terence,' says my father to me one day, ' what do you mane to do ?' ' To get my dinner, sure,' re- plied I, for T was not a little hungry. ' And so you shall to-day, my vourneen,' replied my father, ' but in future you must do something to get your own dinner; there's not praties enow for the whole of ye. Will you go to the say f ' I'll just step down and look at it,' says I, for we lived but sixteen Irish miles from the coast ; so when I had finished my meal, which did not take long, for want of ammunition, I trotted down to the Cove to see what a ship might be like, and I happened upon a large one sure enough, for there lay a three-decker with an admiral's flag at the fore. ' May be you'll be so civil as to tell me what ship that is,' said I to a sailor on the pier. ' It's the Queen Charlotte,' replied he, ' of one hundred and 1G2 PETER SIMPLE. twenty guns.' Now when I looked at her size, and compared her with all the little smacks and hoys lying about her, I very naturally asked how old she was ; he replied, that she was no more than three years old. ' But three years old,' thought I to myself; ' it's a fine vessel you'll be when you'll come of age, if you grow at that rate ; you'll be as tall as the top of Ben- crow, (that's a mountain we have in our parts.) You see, Peter, I was a fool at that time, just as you are now; but by-and-bye, when you've had as many thrashings as I have had, you may chance to be as clever. I went back to my father, and told him all I had seen, and he re- plied, that if I liked it I might be a midship- man on board of her, with nine hundred men under my command. He forgot to say how many I should have over me, but I found that out afterwards. I agreed, and my father or- dered his pony and went to the lord lieutenant, for he had interest enough for that. The lord lieutenant spoke to the admiral, who was staying at the palace, and I was ordered on board as midshipman. My father fitted me out pretty PETER SIMPLE. 163 handsomely, telling all the tradesmen that their bills should be paid with my first prize money, and thus, by promises and blarney, he got credit for all I wanted. At last all was ready : Father M'Grath gave me his blessing, and told me that if I died like an O'Brien, he would say a power of masses for the good of my soul. ' May you never have the trouble, sir," said I. ' Och, trouble ! a pleasure, my dear boy,' re- plied he, for he was a very polite man ; so off I went with my big chest, not quite so full as it ought to have been, for my mother cribbed one half of my stock for my brothers and sisters. ' I hope to be back again soon, father,' said I as I took my leave. ' I hope not, my dear boy,' replied he ; ' a'n't you provided for, and what more would ye have ?' So, after a deal of bother I was fairly on board, and I parted company with my chest, for I stayed on deck and that went down below. I stared about with all my eyes for some time, when who should be coming oif but the captain, and the officers were ordered on deck to receive him. I wanted to have a quiet survey of him. 164 PETER SIMPLE. SO I took up my station on one of the guns, that I might examine him at my leisure. The boatswain whistled, the marines presented arms, and the officers all took off their hats as the captain came on the deck, and then the guard was dismissed, and they all walked about the deck as before ; but I found it very pleasant to be astride on the gun, so I remained where I was. ' What do you mane by that, you big young scoundrel ?' says he, when he saw me. ' It's nothing at all I mane,' replied I ; ' but what do you mane by calling an O'Brien a scoundrel ?'' * Who is he ?' said the captain to the first lieutenant. ' Mr. O'Brien, who joined the ship about an hour since.' ' Don't you know better than to sit upon a gun ?' said the captain. ' To be sure I do,' replied T, ' when there's any thing better to sit upon.' ' He knows no better, sir,' observed the first lieutenant. ' Then he must be taught,' replied the captain. ' Mr. O'Brien, since you have perched yourself on that gun to please yourself, you will now continue there for two hours to please me. Do you understand, sir ? you'll ride on that gun PETER SIMPLE. 165 for two hours."* ' I understand, sir, replied I ; ' but I am afraid that he won't move without spurs, although there's plenty of metal in him.' The captain turned away and laughed as he went into his cabin, and all the officers laughed, and I laughed too, for T perceived no great hardship in sitting down an hour or two, any more than I do now. Well, I soon found that, like a young bear, all my troubles were to come. The first month was nothing but fight- ing and squabbling with my messmates ; they called me a raw Irishman, and raw I was, sure enough, from the constant thrashings and coltings I received from those who were bigger and stronger than myself ; but nothing lasts for ever — as they discovered that whenever they found blows I could find back, they got tired of it, and left me and my brogue alone. AVe sailed for the Toolong fleet.'" •' AVhat fleet .^" inquired I. " Why, the Toolong fleet, so called, I thought, because they remained too long in harbour, bad luck to them ; and then we were off Cape See-see, (devil a bit could we see of 166 PETER SIMPLE. them except their mast-heads,) for I don't know how many months. But I forgot to say that I got into another scrape just before we left harbour. It was my watch when they piped to dinner, and I took the liberty to run below, as my messmates had a knack of forgetting absent friends. Well, the captain came on board, and there were no side boys, no side ropes, and no officers to receive him. He came on deck foaming with rage, for his dignity was hurt, and he inquired who was the midshipman of the watch. * Mr. O'Brien,' said they all. ' Devil a bit,' replied I, ' it was my forenoon watch.' ' Who relieved you, sir?' said the first lieutenant. ' Devil a soul, sir,' replied I ; ^ for they w^ere all too busy with their pork and beef.' ' Then why did you leave the deck without relief ?' ' Because, sir, my stomach would have had but little relief if I had re- mained."* The captain, who stood by, said, * Do you see those cross-trees, sir ?' ' Is it those little bits of wood that you mane, on the top there, captain .f^' * Yes, sir; now just go up there, and stay until I call you down. You PETER SIMPLE. 167 must be brought to your senses, young man, or you'll have but little prospect in the service.' ' I've an idea that 111 have plenty of prospect when I get up there,' replied I, ' but it's all to please 5'OU.' So up I went, as I have many a time since, and as you often will, Peter, just to enjoy the fresh air and your own pleasant thoughts, all at one and the same time. '•At last I became much more used to the manners and customs of say-gom^ people, and by the time that I had been fourteen months off Cape See-see, I was considered a very genteel young midshipman, and my messmates, (that is, all that I could thrash, which didn't leave out many,) had a very great respect for me. " The first time that I put my foot on shore was at Minorca, and then I put my foot into it, (as we say,) for I was nearly killed for a heretic, and only saved by proving myself a true Catholic, which proves that religion is a great comfort in distress, as Father M'Grath used to say. Several of us went on shore, and hav- ing dined upon a roast turkey, stuffed with plum 168 PETER SIMPLE. pudding, (for every thing else was cooked in oil and we could not eat it,) and having drunk as much wine as would float a jolly boat, we ordered donkeys, to take a little equestrian exercise. Some went off tail an end, some with their hind-quarters uppermost, and then the riders went off instead of the donkeys ; some wouldn't go off at all ; as for mine he would go — and where the devil do you think he went? Why, into the church where all the people were at mass : the poor brute was dying with thirst, and smelt water. As soon as he was in, notwithstanding all my tugging and bawling, he ran his nose into the holy water fount, and drank it all up. Although I thought, that seeing how few Christians have any religion, that you could not expect much from a donkey, yet I was very much shocked at the sacrilege, and fearful of the consequences. Nor was it without reason, for the people in the church were quite horrified, as well they might be, for the brute drank as much holy water as would have purified the whole town of Port Mahon, suburbs and all to boot. They rose up from PETER SIMPLE. 169 their knees and seized me, calling upon all the saints in the calendar. Although I knew what they meant, not a word of their lingo could I speak, to plead for my life, and I was almost torn to pieces before the priest came up. Per- ceiving the danger I was in, I wiped my finger across the wet nose of the donkey, crossed myself, and then went down on my knees to the priests, crying out culpa mea, as all good Catholics do — though 'twas no fault of mine, as I said before, for I tried all I could, and tugged at the brute till my strength was gone. The priests perceived by the manner in which I crossed myself that I was a good Catholic, and guessed that it was all a mistake of the donkey's. They ordered the crowd to be quiet, and sent for an interpreter, when I explained the whole story. They gave me absolution for what the donkey had done, and after that, as it was very rare to meet an English officer who was a good Christian, I was in great favour during my stay at Minorca, and was living in plenty, paying for nothing, and as happy as a cricket. So the jackass proved a very good VOL. I. I 170 PETER SIMPLE. friend, and, to reward him, I hired him every day, and galloped him all over the island. ' But, at last, it occurred to me that I had broken my leave, for I was so happy on shore that I quite forgot that I had only permission for twenty- four hours, and I should not have remembered it so soon, had it not been for a party of marines, headed by a serjeant, who took me by the collar, and dragged me off my donkey. I was taken on board, and put under an arrest for my mis- conduct. Now, Peter, I don't know any thing more agreeable than being put under an arrest. Nothing to do all day but eat and drink, and please yourself, only forbid to appear on the quarter-deck, the only place that a midshipman wishes to avoid. Whether it was to punish me more severely, or whether he forgot all about me, I can't tell, but it was nearly two months before I was sent for in the cabin ; and the captain, with a most terrible frown, said, that he trusted that my punishment would be a warn- ing to me, and that now I might return to my duty. ' Plase your honour,' said I, ' I don't think that I've been punished enough yet.' 'I PETER SIMPLE. 171 am glad to find that you are so penitent, but you are forgiven, so take care that you do not oblige me to put you again in confinement/ So, as there was no persuading hiui, I was obliged to return to my duty again ; but I made a resolution that I would get into another scrape again as soon as I dared — — "" *' Sail on the starboard-bow," cried the look- out man. " Very well," replied the master ; " Mr. O'Brien—whereas Mr. O'Brien ?" " Is it me you mane, sir?" said O'Brien, walking up to the master, for he had sat down so long in the topsail-halyard rack, that he was wedged in and could not get out immediately. " Yes, sir; go forward, and see what that vessel is." "Aye, aye, sir," said O'Brien; "and Mr. Simple," continued the master, " go down and bring me up my night-glass." " Yes, sir," replied I. I had no idea of a night-glass ; and as I observed that about this time his servant brought him up a glass of grog, I thought it very lucky that I knew what he i2 t 172 PETER SIMPLE. meant. " Take care that you don't break it, Mr. Simple." " O then, I'm all right," thought I ; " he means the tumbler :"" so down I went, called up the gunroom steward, and desired him to give me a glass of grog for Mr. Doball. The steward tumbled out in his shirt, mixed the grog, and gave it to me, and I carried it up very carefully to the quarter-deck. During my absence, the master had called the captain, and in pursuance of his orders, O'Brien had called the first lieutenant, and when I came up the ladder, they were both on deck. As I was ascending I heard the master say, " I have sent young Simple down for my night- glass, but he is so long, that I suppose he has made some mistake. He's but half a fool." '' That I deny," replied Mr. Falcon, the first lieutenant, just as I put my foot on the quarter- deck. " He's no fool." " Perhaps not,'' re- plied the master. " O, here he is. What made you so long, Mr. Simple — where is my night- glass ? " Here it is, sir," replied I, handing him the tumbler of grog; "I told the steward to PETER SIMPLE. • 173 make it stiff.'* The captain and the first lieu- tenant burst out into a laugh — for Mr. Doball was known to be very fond of grog ; the former walked aft to conceal his mirth ; but the latter remained. Mr. Doball was in great rage. " Did not I say that the boy was half a fool ?" cried he, to the first lieutenant. " At all events I'll not allow that he has proved himself so in this instance," replied Mr. Falcon, " for he has hit the right nail on the head.*" Then the first lieutenant joined the captain, and they both went off laughing. " Put it on the capstan, sir," said Mr. Doball to me, in an angry voice. " I'll punish you by-and-bye." I was very much astonished; I hardly knew whether I had done right or wrong ; at all events, thought I to myself, I did for the best ; so I put it on the capstan and walked to my own side of the deck. The captain and first lieutenant then went below, and O'Brien came aft. " What vessel is it r said I. " To the best of my belief, it's one of your bathing machines going home with despatches," replied he. 174 PETER SIMPLE. " A bathing machine," said I ; " why I thought that they were hauled up on the beach." " That's the Brighton sort; but these are made not to go up at all." " What then ?" " Why, to^o down, to be sure ; and remark- ably well they answer their purpose. I won't puzzle you any more, my Peter — I'm spaking helligorically, which I believe means telling a hell of a lie. It's one of your ten-gun brigs, to the best of my knowledge." I then told O'Brien what had occurred, and how the master was angry with me. O'Brien laughed very heartily, and told me never to mind, but to keep in the lee-scuppers and watch him. " A glass of grog is a bait that he'll play round till he gorges. When you see it to his lips, go up to him boldly, and ask his pardon, if you have offended him, and then, if he's a good Christian, as I believe him to be, he'll not refuse it." I thought this was very good advice, and I waited under the bulwark on the lee side. I observed that the master made shorter and PETER SIMPLE. 175 shorter turns every time, till at last he stopped at the capstan and looked at the grog. He waited about half a minute, and then he took up the tumbler, and drank about half of it. It was very strong, and he stopped to take breath. I thought this was the right time, and I went up to him. The tumbler was again to his lips, and before he saw me, I said, " I hope, sir, you'll forgive me ; I never heard of a night telescope, and knowing that you had walked so long, I thought you were tired, and wanted something to drink to refresh you." " Well, Mr. Simple," said he, after he had finished the glass, with a deep sigh of pleasure " as you meant kindly, I shall let you off this time ; but recollect, that whenever you bring me a glass of grog again, it must not be in the presence of the captain or first lieutenant." I promised him very faithfully, and went away quite delighted with my having made my peace with him, and more so, that the first lieutenant had said that I was no fool for what I had done. At last our watch was over, and about two bells I was relieved by the midshipman of the 176 PETER SIMPLE. next watch. It is very unfair not to relieve in time, but if I said a word, I was certain to be thrashed the next day upon some pretence or another. On the other hand, the midshipman whom I relieved was also much bigger than I was, and if I was not up before one bell, I was cut down and thrashed by him ; so that between the two I kept much more than my share of the watch, except when the master sent me to bed before it was over. \ PETER SIMPLE. 1 / / CHAPTER XIII. The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, his prescriptions consisting oidraughts only — O'Brien finishes the history of his life, in which the proverb of '' the more the merrier" is sadly disproved — Shipping a new pair of boots causes the unshipping of their owner — Walking home after a ball, O'Brien meets with an accident. The next morning I was on deck at seven bells, to see the hammocks stowed, when I was witness to Mr. Falcon, the first lieutenant, having re- course to one of his remedies to cure a mizen- top boy of smokingj a practice to which he had a great aversion. He never interfered with the men smoking in the galley, or chewing tobacco; but he prevented the boys, that is, lads under twenty or thereabouts, from indulging in the habit too early. ' The first lieutenant smelt the tobacco as the boy passed him on the quarter- deck. " Why, Neill, you have been smoking,'' I 5 178 PETER SIMPLE. said the first lieutenant. I thought you were aware that I did not permit such lads as you to use tobacco."" " If you please, sir," replied the mizen-top- man, touching his hat, " I'se got worms, and they say that smoking be good for them." " Good for them ! " said the first lieutenant ; " yes, very good for them, but very bad for you. Why, my good fellow, they'll thrive upon to- bacco until they grow as large as conger eels. Heat is what the worms are fond of; but cold — cold will kill them. Now I'll cure you. Quarter-master, come here. Walk this boy up and down the weather gangway, and every time you get forward abreast of the main-tack block, put his mouth to windward^ squeeze him sharp by the nape of the neck until he opens his mouth wide, and there keep him and let the cold air blow down his throat, while you count ten ; then walk him aft, and when you are forward again, proceed as before. — Cold kills worms, my poor boy, not tobacco — I wonder that you are not dead by this time." The quarter-master, who liked the joke, as PETER SIMPLE 179 did all the seamen, seized hold of the lad, and as soon as they arrived forward, gave him such' a squeeze of the neck as to force him to open his mouth, if it were only to cry with pain. The wind was very fresh, and blew into his mouth so strong, that it actually whistled while he was forced to keep it open ; and thus, he was obliged to walk up and down, cooling his inside, for nearly two hours, when the first lieutenant sent for him, and told him, that he thought all the worms must be dead by that time ; but if they were not, the lad was not to apply his own remedies, but come to him for another dose. However, the boy was of the same opinion as the first lieutenant, and never complained of worms again. A few nights afterwards, when we had the middle watch, O'Brien proceeded with his story. " Where was it that I left off? " " You left off at the time that you were taken out of confinement." " So I did, sure enough ; and it was with no good will that I went to my duty. However, as there was no help for it, I walked up and 180 PETER SIMPLE. down the deck as before, with my hands in my pockets, thinking of old Ireland and my great ancestor Brien Borru. And so I went on be- having myself like a real gentleman, and getting into no more scrapes, until the fleet put into the Cove of Cork, and I found myself within a few miles of my father's house. You may suppose that the anchor had hardly kissed the mud, be- fore I went to the first lieutenant, and asked leave to go on shore. Now. the first lieutenant was not in the sweetest of tempers, seeing as how the captain had been hauling him over the coals for not carrying on the duty according to his satisfaction. So he answered me very gruffly, that I should not leave the ship. ' O bother !' said I to myself, ' this will never do.' So up I walked to the captain, and touching my hat, reminded him that I had a father and mo- ther, and a pretty sprinkling of brothers and sisters, who were dying to see me, and that I hoped that he would give me leave.' ' Ax the first lieutenant,' said he, turning away. ' I have sir, replied I, ' and he says that the devil a bit shall I put my foot on shore.' **^J^^ PETER SIMPLE. 181 ' Then you have misbehaved yourself," said the captain. ' Not a bit of it, Captain Willis,' replied I ; ' it's the first lieutenant who has misbehaved.' 'How, sir?' answered he, in an angry tone. ' Why, sir, didn't he misbehave just now, in not carrying on the duty according to your will and pleasure? and didn't you sarve him out just as he deserved — and is'nt he sulky because you did — and arn't that the reason why I'm not to go on shore ? You see, your honour, it's all true as I said ; and the first lieutenant has misbehaved, and not I. I hope you will allow me to go on shore, captain, God bless you ! and make some allowance for my parental feelings towards the arthers of my ex- istence.' ' Have you any fault to find with Mr. O'Brien ? ' said the captain to the first lieute- nant, as he came aft. ' No more than I have with midshipmen in general ; but I believe it is not the custom for officers to ask leave to go on shore before the sails are furled and yards squared.' ' Very true,' replied the captain ; ' therefore, Mr. O'Brien, you must wait until the watch is called, and then, if you ask the first 182 PETER SIMPLE. lieutenant, I have no doubt but you will have leave granted to you to go and see your friends.' ' Thank'e kindly/ sir, replied I ; and I hoped that the yards and sails would be finished ofF as soon as possible, for my heart was in my mouth, and I felt that if I had been kept much longer, it would have flown on shore before me. " I thought myself very clever in this busi- ness, but I was never a greater fool in my life ; for there was no such hurry to have gone on shore, and the first lieutenant never forgave me for appealing to the captain — ^but of that by- and-bye, and all in good time. At last I obtained a grumbling assent to my going on shore, and off I went like a sky-rocket. Being in a desperate hurry, I hired a jaunting car to take me to my father's house. ' Is it the O'Brien of Bally hinch that you mean .?' inquired the spalpeen who drove the horse. ' Sure it is,' replied I ; ' and how is he, and all the noble family of the O'Briens .^' * All well enough, bating the boy Tim, who caught a bit of con- fusion in his head the other night at the fair, PETER SIMPLE. 183 and now lies at home in bed quite insensible to mate or drink ; but the doctors give hopes of his recovery, as all the O'Briens are known to have such thick heads.' 'What do you mane by that, bad manners to you ?' said I ; ' but poor Tim — ^how did it happen — was there a fight ?' ' Not much of a fight — only a bit of a skrum- mage — three crowner's inquests, no more.' ' But you are not going the straight road, you thief,' said I, seeing that he had turned off to the left. ' I 've my reasons for that, your honour,' replied he ; ' I always turn away from the Castle out of principle — I lost a friend there, and it makes me melancholy.' 'How came that for to happen ?' ' All by accident, your honour ; they hung my poor brother Patrick there, because he was a bad hand at arithmetic' ' He should have gone to a better school then,' said I.' I 've an idea that it was a bad school that he was brought up in,' re- plied he, with a sigh . ' He was a cattle-dealer, your honour, and one day, somehow or another, he'd a cow too much — all for not knowing how to count, your honour — bad luck to his school- 184 PETER SIMPLE. master !"* "•' All that may be very true/ said I, ' and pace be to his soul ; but I don't see why you are to drag me, that's in such a hurry, two miles out of my way out of principle.' * Is your honour in a hurry to get home ? Then I'll be thinking they'll not be in such a hurry to see you.' * And who told you that my name was O'Brien, you baste ? — and do you dare to say that my friends won't be glad to see me "H^ ' Plase your honour, it's all an idea of mine — so say no more about it. Only this I know ; Father M'Grath, who gives me abso- lution, tould me the other day that I ought to pay him, and not run in debt, and then run away like Terence O'Brien, who went to say without paying for his shirts, and his shoes, and his stockings, nor any thing else, and who would live to be hanged as sure as St. Patrick swam over the Liffey with his head under his arm.' 'Bad luck to that Father M'Grath,' cried I ; ' devil burn me, but I '11 be revenged upon him !' By that time we had arrived at the door of my father's house. I paid the rapparee, and PETER SIMPLE. 185 in I popped. There was my father and mother, and all my brothers and sisters, (bating Tim, who was in bed sure enough, and died next day,) and that baste Father M'Grath to boot. When my mother saw me, she ran to me and hugged me as she wept on my neck, and then she wiped her eyes, and sat down again ; but nobody else said ' How d'ye do,' or opened their mouths to me. I said to myself, ' Sure there's some trifling mistake here,' but I held my tongue. At last they all opened their mouths with a vengeance. My father com- menced — ' Arn't you ashamed on yourself, Terence O'Brien ?' — ' Arn't you ashamed on yourself, Terence O'Brien P"* cried Father M'Grath. — ' Arn''t you ashamed on yourself ?' cried out all my brothers and sisters in full chorus, whilst my poor mother put her apron to her eyes and said nothing. ' The devil a bit for myself, but very much ashamed for you all,' replied I, to treat me in this manner. Whafs the meaning of all this?' 'Haven't they seized my two cows to pay for your toggery, you spalpeen ?' cried my father. 186 PETER SIMPLE. ' Haven'*t they taken the hay to pay for your shoes and stockings ?' cried Father M'Grath. * Haven't they taken the pig to pay for that ugly hat of yours ?' cried my eldest sister. 'And haven't they taken my hens to pay for that dirk of yours?' cried another. ' And all our best furniture to pay for your white shirts and black cravats ?" cried Murdock, my brother. 'And haven't we been starved to death ever since ?' cried they all. ' Och hone !' said my mother. ' The devil they have !' said I, when they'd all done. ' Sure I 'm sorry enough, but it's no fault of mine. Father, didn't you send me to say ?' ' Yes, you rapparee ; but didn't you promise — or didn't I promise for you, which is all one and the same thing — that you'd pay it all back with your prize-money — and where is it? answer that, Terence O'Brien.' ' Where is it, father ? I '11 tell you — ^it's where next Christmas is — coming, but not come yet.' 'Spake to him. Father M'Grath,' said my father. ' Is not that a lie of yours, Terence O'Brien, that you're after telling now?' said Father M'Grath ; ' give me the money.' ' It 's PETER SIMPLE. 187 no lie, Father M'Grath ; if it pleased you to die to-morrow, the devil of a shilling have I to jingle on your tombstone for good luck, bating those three or four, which you may divide between you,' and I threw them on the floor. " ' Terence O'Brien,' said Father M'Grath, ' it's absolution that you'll be wanting to-mor- row, after all your sins and enormities ; and the devil a bit shall you have — take that now.' " ' Father M'Grath,' replied I very angrily, ' it's no absolution that I'll want from you, any how — take that now.' " ' Then you have had your share of heaven ; for I'll keep you out of it, you wicked mon- ster,' said Father M'Grath — ' take that now.' *' ' If it's no better than a midshipman's berth,' replied I, ' I'd just as soon stay out; but I'll creep in in spite of you — take that now. Father M'Grath.' " ' And who's to save your soul, and send you to heaven, if I don't, you wicked wretch ? but I'll see you d d first — so take that now, Terence O'Brien.' 188 PETER SIMPLE. " ' Then I'll turn Protestant, and damn the Pope — take that now, Father M'Grath.' " At this last broadside of mine, my father and all my brothers and sisters raised a cry of horror, and my mother burst into tears. Father M'Grath seized hold of the pot of holy water, and dipping in the little whisk, began to sprinkle the room, saying a Latin prayer, while they all Avent on squalling at me. At last, my father seized the stool, which he had been seated upon, and threw it at my head. I dodged, and it knocked down Father M'Grath, who had just walked behind me in full song. I knew that it was all over after that, so I sprang over his carcase and gained the door. ' Good morning to ye all, and better manners to you next time we meet,' cried I, and off I set as fast as I could for the ship. " I was melancholy enough as I walked back, and thought of what had passed. ' I need not have been in such a confounded hurry,' said I to myself, ' to ask leave, thereby affronting the first lieutenant ;' and I was very sorry for what PETER SIMPLE. 189 I had said to the priest, for my conscience thumped me very hard at having even pretended that I'd turn Protestant, which I never intended to do, nor ever will, but live and die a good Catholic, as all my posterity have done before me, and, as I trust, all my ancestors will for generations to come. Well, I arrived on board, and the first lieutenant was very savage. I hoped he would get over it, but he never did ; and he continued to treat me so ill, that I de- termined to quit the ship, which I did as soon as we arrived in Cawsand Bay. The captain allowed me to go, for I told him the whole truth of the matter, and he saw that it was true ; so he recommended me to the captain of a jackass frigate, who was in want of midshipmen." " What do you mean by a jackass frigate ?" inquired I. " I mean one of your twenty-eight gun ships, so called, because there is as much difference between them and a real frigate, like the one we are sailing in, as there is between a donkey and a race-horse. Well, the ship was no sooner brought down to the dock-yard to have 190 PETER SIMPLE. her ballast taken in, than our captain came down to her — a little, thin, spare man, but a man of weight nevertheless, for he brought a great pair of scales with him, and weighed every thing that was put on board. I forget his real name, but the sailors christened him Captain Avoirdupois. He had a large book, and in it he inserted the weight of the ballast, and of the shot, water, provisions, coals, stand- ing and running rigging, cables, and every thing else. Then he weighed all the men, and all the midshipmen, and all the midship- men's chests, and all the officers, with every thing belonging to them : lastly, he weighed himself, which did not add much to the sum total. I don't exactly know what this was for ; but he was always talking about centres of gravity, displacement of fluid, and Lord knows what. I believe it was to find out the longi- tude, somehow or other, but I didn't remain long enough in her to know the end of it ; for one day I brought on board a pair of new boots, which I forgot to report that they might be put into the scales which swang on the gangway ; and PETER SIMPLE. 191 whether the captain thought that they would sink his ship, or for what I cannot tell, but he ordered me to quit her immediately — so there I was adrift again. I packed up my traps and went on shore, putting on my new boots out of spite, and trod into all the mud and mire I could meet, and walked up and down from Plymouth to Dock until I was tired, as a punishment to them, until I wore the scoundrels out in a fortnight. " One day I was in the dock-yard, looking at a two-decker in the basin, just brought for- ward for service, and I inquired who was to be the captain. They told me that his name was O'Connor. Then he's a countryman of mine, thought 1, and I'll try my luck. So I called at Goud's Hotel, where he was lodging, and requested to speak with him. I was admitted, and I told him, with my best bow, that I had come as a volunteer for his ship, and that my name was O'Brien. As it happened, he had some vacancies, and liking my brogue, he asked me in what ships I had served. I told him, and also my reason for quitting my last — which 192 PETER SIMPLE. was, because I was turned out of it. I ex- plained the story of the boots, and he made inquiries, and found that it was all true ; and then he gave me a vacancy as master's mate. We were ordered to South America ; and the trade winds took us there in a jiffey. I liked my captain and officers very much ; and what was better, we took some good prizes. But somehow or other I never had the luck to re- main long in one ship, and that by no fault of mine ; at least, not in this instance. All went on as smooth as possible, until one day, the captain took us on shore to a ball, at one of the peaceable districts. We had a very merry night of it ; but as luck would have it, I had the morning watch to keep, and see the decks cleaned, and as I never neglected my duty, I set off about three o'clock in the morning, just at break of day, to go on board of the ship. I was walking along the sands, thinking of the pretty girl that I'd been dancing with, and had got about half way to the ship, when three rapparees of Spanish soldiers came from be- hind a rock and attacked me with their swords PETER SIMPLE. 19o and bayonets. I had only my dirk, but I was not to be run through for nothing, so I fought them as long as I could. I finished one fellow, but at last they finished me; for a bayonet passed through my body, and I forgot all about it. Well, it appears — for I can only say to the best of my knowledge and belief- -that after they had killed me, they stripped me naked and buried me in the sand, carrying away with them the body of their comrade. So there 1 was — dead and buried." " But, O'Brien,^' said I— "Whist — hold your tongue — youVe not heard the end of it. Well, I had been buried about an hour — but not very deep it appears, for they were in too great a hurry- -when a fisherman and his daughter came along the beach, on their way to the boat ; and the daughter, God bless her ! did me the favour to tread upon my nose. It was clear that she had never trod upon an Irishman's nose before, for it surprised her, and she looked down to see what was there, and not seeing any thing, she tried it again with her foot, and then she scraped VOL. I , K 194 PETEll SIMPLE. off the sand, and discovered my pretty face. I was quite warm and still breathing, for the sand had stopped the blood, and prevented my bleeding to death. The fisherman pulled me out, and took me on his back to the house where the captain and officers were still danc- ing. When he brought me in, there was a great cry from the ladies, not because I was murdered, for they are used to it in those countries, but because I was naked, which they considered a much more serious affair. I was put to bed, and a boat dispatched on board for our doctor ; and in a few hours I was able to speak, and tell them how it happened. But I was too ill to move when the ship sailed, which she was obliged to do in a day or two afterwards, so the captain made out my dis- charge, and left me there. The family were French, and I remained with them for six months before I could obtain a passage home, during which I learnt their language, and a very fair allowance of Spanish to boot. When I arrived in England, I found that the prizes had been sold, and that the money was ready for distribu- PETER SIMPLE. i\)5 tion. I produced my certificate, and received £167 for my share. So it's come at last, thought I. " I never had such a handful of money in my life ; but I hope I shall again very soon. I spread it out on the table as soon as I got home, and looked at it, and then I said to myself, "Now, Terence O'Brien, will you keep this money to yourself, or send it home .?" Then I thought of Father M'Grath, and the stool that was thrown at my head, and I was very near sweeping it all back into my pocket. But then I thought of my mother, and of the cows, and the pig, and the furniture, all gone; and of my brothers and sisters wanting praties, and I made a vow, that I'd send every farthing of it to them, after which Father M'Grath would no longer think of not giving me absolution. So I sent them every doit, only reserving for myself the pay which I had received, amounting to about £30; and I never felt more happ}^ in my life than when it was safe in the post- office, and fairly out of my hands. I wrote a K 2 196 PETER SIMPLE. bit of a letter to my father at the time, which was to this purpose — " HoxouRED Father : " Since our last pleasant meeting, at which you threw the stool at my head, missing the pigeon and hitting the crow, I have been dead and buried, but am now quite well, thank God, and want no absolution from Father M'Grath, bad luck to him. And whaf s more to the point, I have just received a batch of prize-money, the first I have handled since I have served his Majesty, and every farthing of which I now send to you, that you may get back your old cows, and the pig, and all the rest of the arti- cles seized to pay for my fitting out ; so never again ask me whether I am not ashamed of myself; more shame to you for abusing a dutiful son like myself, who went to sea at your bidding, and has never had a real good potato down his throat ever since. I'm a true O'Brien, tell my mother, and don't mane to turn Protestant, but uphold the religion of my PETER SIMPLE. 197 country ; although the devil may take Father M'Grath and his holy water to boot. I sha'n't come and see you, as perhaps you may have another stool ready for my head, and may take better aim next time ; so no more at present from your affectionate son, "Terexce O'Brien." " About three weeks afterwards I received a letter from my father, telling me that I was a real O^Brien, and that if any one dared hint to the contrary, he would break every bone in his body ; that they had received the money, and thanked me for a real gentleman as I was ; that I should have the best stool in the house next time I came, not for my head, but for my tail; that Father M'Grath sent me his bless- ing, and had given me absolution for all I had done, or should do for the next ten years to come ; that my mother had cried with joy at my dutiful behaviour ; and that all my brothers and sisters, (bating Tim, who had died the day after I left them,) wished me good luck, and plenty more prize-money to send home to them. 198 PETER SIMPLE. This was all very pleasant ; and I had nothing left on my mind but to get another ship ; so I went to the port-admiral, and told him how it was that I left my last ; and he said, ' that being dead and buried was quite sufficient reason for any one leaving his ship, and that he would procure me another, now that I had come to life again."* I was sent on board of the guard ship, where I remained about ten days, and then was sent round to join this frigate — and so my story's ended ; and there's eight bells striking — so the watch is ended too ; jump down, Peter, and call Robinson, and tell him that I'll trouble him to forget to go to sleep again as he did last time, and leave me here kicking my heels, contrary to the rules and regulations of the service."" PETER SIMPLE. 199 CHAPTER XIV. The first lieutenant has more patients— Mr. Chucks the Boatswain lets me into the secret of his gentility. Befoee I proceed with my narrative, I wish to explain to the reader that my history was not written in after-life, when I had obtained a greater knowledge of the world. When I first went to sea, I promised my mother that I would keep a journal of what passed, with my reflec- tions upon it. To this promise I rigidly ad- hered, and since I have been my ov/n master, these journals have remained in my possession. In writing, therefore, the early part of my ad- ventures, every thing is stated as it was im- pressed on my mind at the time. Upon many 200 PETEH SIMPLE. points I have since had reason to form a dif- ferent opinion from that which is recorded, and upon many others I have since laughed heartily at my folly and simplicity ; but still, I have thought it advisable to let the ideas of the period remain, rather than correct them by those of dear-bought experience. A boy of fifteen, brought up in a secluded country town, cannot be expected to reason and judge as a young man who has seen much of life, and passed through a variety of adventures. The reader must there- fore remember, that I have referred to my journal for the opinions and feelings which guided me between each distinct anniversary of my existence. We had now been cruising for six weeks, and I found that my profession was much more agreeable than I had anticipated. My desire to please was taken for the deed ; and, although I occasionally made a blunder, yet the captain and first lieutenant seemed to think that I was attentive to my duty to the best of my abi- lity, and only smiled at my mistakes. I also discovered, that, however my natural capacity PETER SIMPLE. 201 may have been estimated by my family, that it was not so depreciated here ; and every day I felt more confidence in myself, and hoped, by at- tention and diligence, to make up for a want of natural endowment. There certainly is some- thing in the life of a sailor which enlarges the mind. When I was at home six months before, I allowed other people to think for me, and acted wholly on the leading-strings of their sugges- tions; on board, to the best of my ability, I thought for myself. I became happy with my messmates — those who were harsh upon me left off, because I never resented their conduct, and those who were kind to me were even kinder than before. The time flew away quickly, I suppose, because I knew exactly what I had to do, and each day was the forerunner of the ensuing. The first lieutenant was one of the most amus- ing men I ever knew, yet he never relaxed from the discipline of the service, or took the least liberty with either his superiors or inferiors. His humour was principally shown in his various modes of punishment ; and, however severe the K 5 202 PETER SIMPLE. punishment was to the party, the manner of inflicting it was invariably a source of amuse- ment to the remainder of the ship's company. I often thought, that although no indivi- dual liked being punished, yet that all the ship's company were quite pleased when a punishment took place. He was very particular about his decks ; they were always as white as snow, and nothing displeased him so much as their being soiled. It was for that reason that he had such an objection to the use of tobacco. There were spitting-pans placed in different parts of the decks for the use of the men, that they might not dirty the planks with the tobacco j uice. Sometimes a man in his hurry forgot to use these pans, but, as the mess to which the stain might be opposite had their grog stopped if the party were not found out, they took good care not only to keep a look out, but to inform against the offender. Now the punishment for the offence was as follows — the man's hands were tied behind his back, and a large tin spitting-box fixed to his chest by a strap over the shoulders. All the other boxes on the lower deck were taken away. PETER SIMPLE. 203 and he was obliged to walk there, ready to attend the summons of any man who might wish to empty his mouth of the tobacco juice. The other men were so pleased at the fancy, that they spat twice as much as before, for the pleasure of making him run about. Mr. Chucks, the boat- swain, called it " the first lieutenant's preambu- lating spitting-pan." He observed to me one day " that really Mr. Falcon was such an epicure about his decks, that he was afraid to pudding an anchor on the forecastle." I was much amused one morning watch that I kept. We were stowing the hammocks in the quarter-deck nettings, when one of the boys came up with his hammock on his shoulder, and as he passed the first lieutenant, the latter perceived that he had a quid of tobacco in his cheek. " What have you got there, my good lad — a gum-boil ? — your cheek is very much swelled." " No, sir," replied the boy, " there's nothing at all the matter." " O there must be ; it is a bad tooth, then. Open your mouth, and let me see." Very reluctantly the boy opened his mouth, and discovered a large roll of tobacco leaf. " I see, 204 PETER SIMPLE. I see," said the first lieutenant, " your mouth wants overhauling, and your teeth cleaning. I wish we had a dentist on board ; but as we have not, I will operate as well as I can. Send the armourer up here with his tongs." When the armourer made his appearance, the boy was made to open his mouth, while the chaw of tobacco was extracted with his rough instru- ment. " There now," said the first lieutenant, " I'm sure that you must feel better already ; you never could have had any appetite. Now, captain of the afterguard, bring a piece of old canvas and some sand here, and clean his teeth nicely." The captain of the afterguard came forward, and putting the boy's head between his knees, scrubbed his teeth well with the sand and canvas for two or three minutes. " There, that will do," said the first lieutenant. " Now, my little fellow, your mouth is nice and clean, and you'll enjoy your breakfast. It was im- possible for you to have eaten any thing with your mouth in such a nasty state. When it's dirty again, come to me, and I'll be your dentist.'' PETER SIMPLE. 205 One day I was on the forecastle with Mr. Chucks, the boatswain, who was very kind to me. He had been showing me how to make the various knots and bends of rope which are used in our service. I am afraid that I was very stupid, but he showed me over and over again, until I learnt how to make them. Amongst others, he taught me a fisherman's bend, which he pronounced to be the king of all knots; " and, Mr. Simple," continued he, " there is a moral in that knot. You observe, that when the parts are drawn the right way, and together, the more you pull the faster they hold, and the more impossible to untie them ; but see, by hauling them apart, how a little difference, a pull the other way, immediately disunites them, and then how easy they cast off in a moment. That points out the necessity of pulling together in this world, Mr. Simple, when we wish to hold on, and that's a piece of philosophy worth all the twenty-six thousand and odd years of my friend the carpenter, which leads to nothing but a brown study, when he ought to be attending to his duty." 206 PETER SIMPLE. " Very true, Mr. Chucks, you are the better philosopher of the two." *' I am the better educated, Mr. Simple, and I trust, more of a gentleman. I consider a gentleman to be, to a certain degree, a philoso- pher, for very often he is obliged to support his character as such, to put up with what another person may very properly fly in a passion about. I think coolness is the great character-stick of a gentleman. In the service, ]Mr. Simple, one is obliged to appear angry without indulging the sentiment. I can assure you, that I never lose my temper, even when I use my rattan." " Why, then, Mr. Chucks, do you swear so much at the men ? surely that is not gentle- manly ? " " Most certainly not, sir. But I must defend myself by observing the very artificial state in which we live on board of a man-of-war. Necessity, my dear Mr. Simple, has no law. You must observe how gently I always com- mence when I have to find fault. I do that to prove my gentility; but, sir, my zeal for the PETER SIMPLE. 207 service obliges me to alter my language, to prove in the end that I am in earnest. Nothing would afford me more pleasure than to be able to carry on the duty as a gentleman, but that''s impossible.'* " I really cannot see why." '' Perhaps, then, Mr. Simple, you will ex- plain to me why the captain and first lieutenant swear."" " That I do not pretend to answer, but they only do so upon an emergency." " Exactly so ; but, sir, their 'mergency is my daily and hourly duty. In the continual work- ing of the ship I am answerable for all that goes amiss. The life of a boatswain is a life of 'mer- gency, and therefore I swear."" " I still cannot allow it to be requisite, and certainly it is sinful."'"' " Excuse me, my dear sir ; it is absolutely requisite, and not at all sinful. There is one language for the pulpit, and another for on board ship, and, in either situation, a man must make use of those terms most likely to produce the necessary effect upon his listeners. Whether it 208 PETER SIMPLE. is from long custom of the service, or from the indifference of a sailor to all common things and language, (I can't exactly explain myself, Mr. Simple, but I know what I mean,) perhaps con- stant excitement may do, and therefore he re- quires more 'stimilis,' as they call it, to make him move. Certain it is, that common parlancy won't do with a common seaman. It is not here as in the scriptures, ' Do this, and he doeth it ;' (by the bye, that chap must have had his soldiers in tight order ;) but it is, ' Do this, d — n your eyes,' and then it is done directly. The order to do just carries the weight of a cannon shot, but it wants the perpclling power — the d — n is the gunpowder which sets it flying in the execu- tion of its duty. Do you comprehend me, Mr. Simple?" " I perfectly understand you, Mr. Chucks, and I cannot help remarking, and that without flattery, that you are very diff*erent from the rest of the warrant officers. Where did you receive your education ?" " Mr. Simple, I am here a boatswain with a clean shirt, and, I say it myself, and no one dare PETER SIMPLE. 209 gainsay it, also with a thorough knowledge of my duty. But although I do not say that I ever was better oiF, I can say this, that I've been in the best society, in the company of lords and ladies. I once dined with your grandfather." " That's more than ever I did, for he never asked me, nor took the least notice of me," re- plied I. " What I state is true. I did not know that he was your grandfather until yesterday, when I was talking with Mr. O'Brien ; but I per- fectly recollect him, although I was very young at that time. Now, Mr. Simple, if you will promise me as a gentleman, (and I know you are one,) that you will not repeat what I tell you, then I'll let you into the history of my life.*" " Mr. Chucks, as I am a gentleman I never will divulge it until you are dead and buried, and not then if you do not wish it." " When T am dead and buried, you may do as you please; it may then be of service to other people, although my story is not a very long one." Mr. Chucks then sat down upon the fore-end 210 PETER SIMPLE. of the booms by the funnel, and I took my place by his side, when he commenced as follows : " My father was a boatswain before me — one of the old school, rough as a bear, and drunken as a Gosport fiddler. My mother was — my mother, and I shall say no [more. My father was invalided for harbour duty after a life of intoxication, and died shortly after- wards. In the mean time I had been, by the kindness of the port-admiral's wife, educated at a foundation school. I was thirteen when my father died, and my mother, not knowing what to do with me, wished to bind me apprentice to a merchant vessel ; but this I refused, and, after six months' quarrelling on the sub- ject, I decided the point by volunteering in the Narcissus frigate. I believe that my gentle- manly ideas were innate, Mr. Simple ; I never, as a child, could bear the idea of the merchant service. After I had been a week on board, I was appointed servant to the purser, where I gave such satisfaction by my alertness and dex- terity, that the first lieutenant took me away PETER SIMPLE. 211 from the purser to attend upon himself, so that in two months I was a person of such conse- quence as to create a disturbance in the gun- room, for the purser was very angry, and many of the officers took his part. It was whispered that I was the son of the first lieutenant, and that he was aware of it. How far that may be true I know not, but there was a likeness be- tween us; and my mother, who was a very pretty woman, attended his ship many years before as a bumboat girl. I canH pretend to say any thing about it, but this I do say, Mr. Simple — and many will blame me for it, but I can't help my natural feelings — that I had rather be the bye-blow of a gentleman, than the 'gitimate offspring of a boatswain and his wife. There's no chance of good blood in your veins in the latter instance, whereas, in the former you may have stolen a drop or two. It so happened, that after I had served the first lieutenant for about a year, a young lord, (I must not mention his name, Mr. Simple,) was sent to sea by his friends, or by his own choice, I don't know which, but I was told that his 212 PETER SIMPLE. uncle, who M'as 'zeckative, and had an interest in his death, persuaded him to go. A lord at that period, some twentj-five years ago, was a rarity in the service, and they used to salute him when he came on board. The consequence was, that the young lord must have a servant to himself, although all the rest of the mid- shipmen had but one servant between them. The captain inquired who was the best boy in the ship, and the purser to whom he appealed, recommended me. Accordingly, much to the annoyance of the first lieutenant, (for first lieu- tenants in those days did not assume as they do now, not that I refer to Mr. Falcon, who is a gentleman,) I was immediately surrendered to his lordship. I had a very easy, comfortable life of it — I did little or nothing ; if inquired for when all hands were turned up, I was clean- ing his lordship's boots, or brushing his lord- ship's clothes, and there was nothing to be said when his lordship's name was mentioned. AVe went to the Mediterranean, (because his lord- ship's mamma wished it,) and we had been there about a year, when his lordship ate so PETER SIMPLE. 213 many grapes that he was seized with a dysentery. He was ill for three weeks, and then he requested to be sent to Malta in a transport going to Gi- braltar, or rather to the Barbary coast, for bullocks. He became worse every day, and made his will, leaving me all his effects on board, which I certainly deserved for tlie kindness with which 1 had nursed him. Off Malta we fell in with a xebeque, bound to Civita Vecchia, and the captain of the transport, anxious to proceed, advised our going on board of her, as the wind was light and contrary, and these Mediterranean vessels sailed better on a wind than the trans- port. My master, who was now sinking fast, consented, and we changed our ships. The next day he died, and a gale of wind came on, which prevented us from gaining the port for several days, and the body of his lordship not only became so offensive, but affected the super- stition of the Catholic sailors so much, that it was hove overboard. None of the people could speak English, nor could I speak Maltese : they had no idea who we were, and I had plenty of time for cogitation. I had often thought what 214 PETER SIMPLE. a fine thing it was to be a lord, and as often wished that I had been born one. The wind was still against us, when a merchant vessel ran down to us, that had left Civita Vecchia for Gibraltar. I desired the captain of the xebeque to make a signal of distress, or rather I did my- self, and the vessel, which proved to be English, bore down to us. " I manned the boat to go on board, and the idea came into my head, that, although they might refuse to take me, that they would not refuse a lord. I put on the midshipman's uniform belonging to his lordship, (but then certainly belonging to me,) and went alongside of the merchant vessel ; told them that I had left my ship for the benefit of my health, and wanted a passage to Gibraltar, on my way home. My title, and immediate acceptance of the terms demanded for my passage, was sufficient. My property was brought from the xebeque ; and, of course, as they could not speak English, they could not contradict, even if they suspected. Here, Mr. Simple, I must acknowledge a slight flaw in my early history, which I impart to you PETER SIMPLE. 215 in confidence ; or otherwise I should not have been able to prove that I was correct in assert- ing that I had dined with your grandfather. But the temptation was too strong, and I could not resist. Think yourself, Mr. Simple, after having served as a ship's boy — clouted here, kicked there, damned by one, and sent to hell by another — to find myself treated with such respect and deference, and my lorded this and my lorded that, every minute of the day. During my passage to Gibraltar, I had plenty of time for arranging my plans. I hardly need say that my lord's kit was valuable ; and what was better, they exactly fitted me. I also had his watches and trinkets, and many other things, besides a bag of dollars. However, they were honestly mine ; the only thing that I took was his name, which he had no further occasion for, poor fellow ! But it's no use defending what was wrong — it was dishonest, and there's an end of it. " Now observe, Mr. Simple, how one thing leads to another. I declare to you, that my first idea of making use of his lordship's name, 216 PETER SIMPLE. was to procure a passage to Gibraltar. I then was undecided how to act ; but, as I had charge of his papers and letters to his mother and guardian, I think — indeed I am almost sure — that I should have laid aside my dignity and midshipman's dress, and applied for a passage home to the commissioner of the yard. But it was fated to be otherwise; for the master of the transport went on shore to report and ob- tain pratique, and he told them every where that young Lord A was a passenger with him, going to England for the benefit of his health. In less than half-an-hour, off came the commissioner's boat, and another boat from the governor, requesting the honour of my company, and that I would take a bed at their houses during my stay. What could I do ? I began to be frightened ; but I was more afraid to con- fess that I was an impostor, for I am sure the master of the transport alone would have kicked me overboard, if I had let him know that he had been so confounded polite to a ship's boy. So I blushed half from modesty and half from guilt, and accepted the invitation of the go- PETER SIMPLE. 217 vernor ; sending a polite verbal refusal to the commissioner, upon the plea of there being no paper or pens on board. I had so often accom- panied my late master, that I knew very well how to conduct myself, and had borrowed a good deal of his air and appearance — indeed, I had a natural taste for gentility. I could write and read ; not perhaps so well as I ought to have done, considering the education I had re- ceived, but still quite well enough for a lord, and indeed much better than my late master. I knew his signature well enough, although the very idea of being forced to use it made me tremble. However, the die was cast. I ought to observe, that in one point we were not unlike — both had curly light hair and blue eyes ; in other points there was no resemblance. I was by far the better-looking chap of the two ; and as we had been up the Mediterranean for two years, I had no fear of any doubt as to my identity until I arrived in England. " Well, Mr. Simple, I dressed myself very carefully, put on my chains and rings, and a little perfume on my handkerchief, and accom- VOL. I. . L 218 PETER SIMPLE. panied the aid- de-camp to the governor's, where I was asked after my mother. Lady , and my uncle, my guardian, and a hundred other questions. At first I was much confused, which was attributed to bashfulness; and so it was, but not of the right sort. But before the day was over, I had become so accustomed to be called ' my lord,' and to my situation, that I was quite at my ease, and began to watch the motions and behaviour of the company, that I might regulate my comportment by that of good society. I remained at Gibraltar for a fort- night, and then was offered a passage in a trans- port ordered to Plymouth. Being an officer, of course it was free to a certain extent. On my passage to England, I again made up my mind that I would put off my dress and title as soon as I could escape from observation ; but I was prevented as before. The port-admiral sent off to request the pleasure of my company to dinner. I dared not refuse ; and there I was, my lord, as before, courted and feasted by every body. Tradesmen called to request the honour of my lordhip's custom; my table at the hotel was PETER SIMPLE. 219 covered with cards of all descriptions ; and, to confess the truth, I liked my situation so much, and had been so accustomed to it, that I now began to dislike the idea that one day or other I must resign it, which I determined to do as soon as I quitted the place. My bill at the hotel was very extravagant, and more than I could pay ; but the master said it was not of the least con- sequence : that of course his lordship had not provided himself with cash, just coming from foreign parts, and offered to supply me with money if I required it. This, I will say, I was honest enough to refuse. I left my cards, P. P. C, as they do, Mr. Simple, in all well- regulated society, and set off in the mail for London, where I fully resolved to drop my title, and to proceed to Scotland to his lordship's mother, with the mournful intelligence of his death — for you see, Mr. Simple, no one knew that his lordship was dead. The captain of the transport had put him into the xebeque alive, and the vessel bound to Gibraltar had received him, as they imagined. The captain of the frigate had very soon afterwards advices from L 2 220 PETER SIMPLE. Gibraltar, stating his lordship's recovery and re- turn to England. Well, I had not been in the coach more than five minutes, when who should get in but a gentleman whom I had met at the port-admiral's ; besides which, the coachman and others knew me very well. When I ar- rived in London, (I still wore my midshipman^s uniform,) I went to an hotel recommended to me, as I afterwards found out, the most fashionable in town, my title still following me. I now de- termined to put off my uniform, and dress in plain clothes — my farce was over. I went to bed that night, and the next morning made my appearance in a suit of mufti, making inquiry of the waiter which was the best conveyance to Scotland. '• ' Post chay and four, my lord. At what time shall I order it ? ' " ' O,' replied I, ' I am not sure that I shall go to-morrow.' " Just at this moment in came the master of the hotel, with the ' Morning Post' in his hand, making me a low bow, and pointing to the in- sertion of my arrival at his hotel among the PETER SIMPLE. 221 fashionables. This annoyed me ; and now that I found how difficult it was to get rid of my title, I became particularly anxious to be Wil- liam Chucks, as before. Before twelve o'clock, three or four gentlemen were ushered into my sitting-room, who observing my arrival in that damn'^d Morning Post, came to pay their re- spects ; and before the day was over, I was in- vited and re-invited by a dozen people. I found that I could not retreat, and I went away with the stream, as I did before at Gibraltar and Ports- mouth. For three weeks I was every where; and if I found it agreeable at Portsmouth, how much more so in London ! But I was not happy, Mr. Simple, because I was a cheat, every moment expecting to be found out. But it really was a nice thing to be a lord. " At last the play was over. I had been en- ticed by some young men into a gambling-house, where they intended to fleece me; but, for the first night, they allowed me to win, I think, about 300/. I was quite delighted with my success, and had agreed to meet them the next evening; but when I was at breakfast, with my 222 PETER SIMPLE. legs crossed, reading the Morning Post, who should come to see me but my guardian uncle. He knew his nephew's features too well to be deceived ; and my not recognizing him, proved at once that I was an impostor. You must allow me to hasten over the scene which took place — the wrath of the uncle, the confusion in the hotel, the abuse of the waiters, the police officer, and being dragged into a hackney-coach to Bow-street. There I was examined and con- fessed all. The uncle was so glad to find that his nephew was really dead, that he felt no re- sentment towards me ; and as, after all, 1 had only assumed a name, but had cheated nobody, except the landlord at Portsmouth, I v/as sent on board the tender off the Tower, to be drafted into a man-of-war. As for my 300Z., my clothes, &c. I never heard any more of them ; they were seized, I presume, by the landlord of the hotel for my bill, and very handsomely he must have paid himself. I had two rings on my fingers, and a watch in my pocket, when I was sent on board the tender, and I stowed them away very carefully. I had also a few pounds in my purse. PETER SIMPLE, 223 I was sent round to Plymouth, where I was drafted into a frigate. After I had been there some time, I turned the watch and rings into money, and bought myself a good kit of clothes; for I could not bear to be dirty. I was put into the mizen-top, and no one knew that I had been a lord." " You found some difference, I should think, in your situation ? " " Yes, I did, Mr. Simple; but I was much happier. I could not forget the ladies, and the dinners, and the opera, and all the delights of London, beside the respect paid to my title, and I often sighed for them ; but the police-officer and Bow-street also came to my recollection, and I shuddered at the remembrance. It had, how- ever, one good effect ; I determined to be an of- ficer if I could, and learnt my duty, and worked my way up to quarter-master, and thence to boatswain — and I know my duty, Mr. Simple. But I've been punished for my folly ever since. I formed ideas above my station in life, * and cannot help longing to be a gentleman. It's a bad thing for a man to have ideas above his tation." 224 PETER SIMPLE. " You certainly must find some difference be- tween the company in London and that of the warrant officers.'' "It's many years back now, sir ; but I can'^t get over the feeling. I can't 'sociate with them at all. A man may have the feelings of a gentle- man, although in a humble capacity ; but how can I be intimate with such people as Mr. Dis- part or Mr. Muddle, the carpenter ? All very well in their way, Mr. Simple, but what can you expect from officers who boil their 'tators in a cabbage-net hanging in the ship's coppers, when they know that there is one-third of a stove al- lowed them to cook their victuals on ? " PETER SIMPLE. 225 CHAPTER XV. I go on service and am made prisoner by an old lady, who, not able to obtain my hand, takes part of my finger as a token — O'Brien rescues me — A lee-shore and narrow escape. Two or three days after this conversation with Mr. Chucks, the captain ran the frigate in shore, and when within five miles we discovered two vessels under the land. We made all sail in chase, and cut them off from escaping round a sandy point which they attempted to weather. Finding that they could not effect their purpose, they ran on shore under a small battery of two guns, which commenced firing upon us. The first shot which whizzed between the masts had to me a most terrific sound, but the officers and men laughed at it, so of course I pretended to L 5 226 PETER SIMPLE. do the same, but in reality I could see nothing to laugh at. The captain ordered the starboard watch to be piped to quarters, and the boats to be cleared, ready for hoisting out : we then anchored within a mile of the battery, and re- turned the fire. In the mean time, the re- mainder of the ship's company hoisted out and lowered down four boats, which were manned and armed to storm the battery. I was very anxious to go on service, and O'Brien, who had command of the first cutter, allowed me to go with him, on condition that I stowed myself away under the fore-sheets, that the captain might not see me before the boats had shoved off. This I did, and was not discovered. We pulled in abreast towards the battery, and in less than ten minutes the boats were run on the beach, and we jumped out. The Frenchmen fired a gun at us as we pulled close to the shore, and then ran away, so that we took possession without any fighting, which, to confess the truth, I was not sorry for, as I did not think that I was old or strong enough to cope hand to hand with a grown-up man. There were a few fishermen's PETER SIMPLE. 227 huts close to the battery, and while two of the boats went on board of the vessels, to see if they could be got off, and others were spiking the guns and destroying the carriages, I went with O'Brien to examine them; they were deserted by the people, as might have been supposed, but there was a great quantity of fish in them, apparently caught that morning. O'Brien pointed to a very large skate — " Murder in Irish !" cried he, " it's the very ghost of my grandmother ; we'll have her if if s only for the family likeness. Peter, put your finger into the gills, and drag her down to the boat." I could not force my finger into the gills, and as the animal appeared quite dead, I hooked my finger into its mouth ; but I made a sad mistake, for the animal was alive, and immediately closed its jaws, nipping my finger to the bone, and holding it so tight that I could not withdraw it, and the pain was too great to allow me to pull it away by main force, and tear my finger, which it held so fast. There I was, caught in a trap, and made a prisoner by a flatfish. For- tunately, I hallooed loud enoucrh to make 228 PETER SIMPLE. O'Brien, who was close down to the boats, with a large cod-fish under each arm, turn round and come to my assistance. At first he could not help me from laughing so much, but at last he forced open the jaw of the fish with his cutlass, and I got my finger out, but very badly torn indeed. I then took off my garter, tied it round the tail of the skate, and dragged it to the boat, which was all ready to shove off. The other boats had found it impossible to get the vessels off without unloading — so, in pur- suance of the captain's orders, they were set on fire, and before we lost sight of them, had burnt down to the water's edge. My finger was very bad for three weeks, and the officers laughed at me very much, saying that I narrowly escaped being made a prisoner of by an " old maid." We continued our cruise along the coast, until we had run down into the Bay of Arcason, where we captured two or three vessels, and obliged many more to run on shore. And here we had an instance showing how very important it is that a captain of a man-of-war should be a PETER SIMPLE. 229 good sailor, and have his ship in such discipline as to be strictly obeyed by his ship's company. I heard the officers unanimously assert, after the danger was over, that nothing but the presence of mind which was shown by Captain Savage could have saved the ship and her crew. We had chased a convoy of vessels to the bottom of the bay : the wind was very fresh when we hauled off, after running them on shore, and the surf on the beach even at that time was so great, that they were certain to go to pieces before they could be got afloat again. We were obliged to double-reef the topsails as soon as we hauled to the wind, and the weather looked very threatening. In an hour after- wards, the whole sky was covered with one black cloud, which sank so low, as nearly to touch our mast-heads, and a tremendous sea, which appeared to have risen up almost by magic, rolled in upon us, setting the vessel on a dead lee shore. As the night closed in, it blew a dreadful gale, and the ship was nearly buried with the press of canvas which she was obliged to carry ; for had we sea room, we should have 230 PETER SIMPLE. been Ijing-to under storm staysails; but we were forced to carry on at all risks, that we might claw off shore. The seas broke over as we lay in the trough, deluging us with water from the forecastle, aft, to the binnacles ; and very often as the ship descended with a plunge, it was with such force that I really thought she would divide in half with the violence of the shock. Double breechings were rove on the guns, and they were further secured with tackles, and strong cleats nailed behind the trunnions, for we heeled over so much when we lurched, that the guns were wholly supported by the breechings and tackles, and had one of them broken loose, it must have burst right through the lee side of the ship, and she must have foundered. The captain, first lieutenant, and most of the officers, remained on deck during the whole of the night ; and really, what with the howling of the wind, the violence of the rain, the washing of the water about the decks, the working of the chain pumps, and the creak- ing and groaning of the timbers, I thought that we must inevitably have been lost ; and I said PETER SIMPLE. 231 my prayers at least a dozen times during the night, for I felt it impossible to go to bed. I had often wished, out of curiosity, that I might be in a gale of wind, but I little thought it was to have been a scene of this description, or any thing half so dreadful. What made it more appalling was, that we were on a lee shore, and the consultations of the captain and officers, and the eagerness with which they looked out for daylight, told us that we had other dangers to encounter besides the storm. At last the morning broke, and the look-out man upon the gangway called out, " Land on the lee beam." I perceived the master dash his fist against the hammock rails, as if with vexation, and walk away without saying a word, and looking very grave. " Up, there, Mr. Wilson," said the captain, to the second lieutenant, " and see how far the land trends forward, and whether you can dis- tinguish the point." The second lieutenant went up the main-rigging, and pointed with his hand to about two points before the beam. " Do you see two hillocks inland ?" 232 PETER SIMPLE. " Yes, sir,'' replied the second lieutenant. " Then it is so," observed the captain to the master, " and if we weather it, we shall have more sea room. Keep her full, and let her go through the water; do you hear, quarter- master ?'' " Aye, aye, sir." " Thus, and no nearer, my man. Ease her with a spoke or two when she sends ; but be careful, or shell take the wheel out of your hands." It really was a very awful sight. When the ship was in the trough of the sea, you could distinguish nothing but a waste of tumultuous water; but when she was borne up on the summit of the enormous waves, you then looked down, as it were, upon a low, sandy coast, close to you, and covered with foam and breakers. " She behaves nobly, ^ observed the captain, stepping aft to the binnacle, and looking at the compass ; " if the wind does not baffle us, we shall weather." The captain had scarcely time to make the observation, when the sails shivered PETER SIMPLE. 233 and flapped like thunder. " Up with the helm : what are you about, quarter-master ?" " The wind has headed us, sir," replied the quarter-master, coolly. The captain and master remained at the bin- nacle watching the compass, and when the sails were again full, she had broken off two points, and the point of land was only a little on the lee bow. "We must wear her round, Mr. Falcon. Hands, wear ship — ready, oh, ready." " She has come up again,'' cried the master, who was at the binnacle. " Hold fast there a minute. How's her head now ?" " N.N.E., as she was before she broke off, sir. " Pipe belay," said the captain. " Falcon,'* continued he, " if she breaks off again we may have no room to wear ; indeed there is so little room now, that I must*run the risk. Which cable was ranged last night — the best bower ?" "Yes, sir." " Jump down, then, and see it double bitted 234 PETER SIMPLE. and stoppered at thirty fathoms. See it well done — our lives may depend upon it." The ship continued to hold her course good ; and we were within half a mile of the point, and fully expected to weather it, when again the wet and heavy sails flapped in the wind, and the ship broke oif two points as before. The officers and seamen were aghast, for the ship's head was right on to the breakers. " Luff now, all you can, quarter master," cried the captain. *' Send the men aft directly. My lads, there is no time for words — I am going to club-haul the ship, for there is no room to wear. The only chance you have of safety, is to be cool, watch my eye, and execute my orders with precision. Away to your stations for tacking ship. Hands by the best bower anchor. Mr. Wilson, attend below with the carpenter and his mates, ready to cut away the cable at the moment that I give the order. Silence there, fore and aft. Quarter-master, keep her full again for stays. Mind you ease the helm down when I tell you." About a minute passed before the captain gave any PETER SIMPLE. 235 further orders. The ship had closed-to within a quarter of a mile of the beach, and the waves curled and topped around us, bearing us down upon the shore, which presented one continued surface of foam, extending to within half a cable''s length of our position, at which distance the enormous waves culminated and fell with the report of thunder. The captain waved his hand in silence to the quarter-master at the wheel, and the helm was put down. The ship turned slowly to the wind, pitching and chopping as the sails were spilling. When she had lost her way, the captain gave the order, "Let go the anchor. We will haul all at once, Mr. Falcon," said the captain. Not a word was spoken, the men went to the fore-brace, which had not been manned ; most of them knew, although I did not, that if the ship's head did not go round the other way, we should be on shore, and among the breakers, in half a minute. I thought at the time that the captain had said that he would haul all the yards at once, there appeared to be doubt or dissent on the countenance of Mr. Falcon ; and 236 PETER SIMPLE. I was afterwards told that he had not agreed with the captain, but he was too good an officer? and knew that there was no time for discussion, to make any remark ; and the event proved that the captain was right. At last the ship was head to wind, and the captain gave the signal. The yards flew round with such a creaking noise, that I thought the masts had gone over the side, and the next moment the wind had caught the sails, and the ship, which for a moment or two had been on an even keel, careened over to her gunnel with its force. The captain, who stood upon the weather hammock rails, holding by the main-rigging, ordered the helm a-midships, looked full at the sails, and then at the cable, which grew broad upon the weather bow, and held the ship from nearing the shore. At last he cried,^ *' Cut away the cable.'' A few strokes of the axes were heard, and then the cable flew out of the hawse-hole in a blaze of fire, from the violence of the friction, and disappeared under a huge wave, which struck us on the chess-tree, and deluged us with water fore and aft. But we PETER SIMPLE. 237 were now on the other tack, and the ship re- gained her way, and we had evidently increased our distance from the land. " My lads," said the captain to the ship's company, " you have behaved well, and I thank you ; but I must tell you honestly, that we have more difficulties to get through. We have to weather a point of the bay on this tack. Mr. Falcon, splice the main-brace, and call the watch. How's her head, quarter- master .f'" " S. W. by S. Southerly, sir/' " Very well ; let her go through the water;" and the captain, beckoning to the master to fol- low him, went down into the cabin. As our im- mediate danger was over, I went down into the berth to see if I could get any thing for breakfast, where I found O'Brien and two or three more. " By the powers, it was as nate a thing as ever I saw done," observed O'Brien ; the slightest mistake as to time or management, and at this moment the flatfish would have been dubbing at our ugly carcases. Peter, 238 PETER SIMPLE. you're not fond of flatfish, are 3^ou, my boy ? We may thank heaven and the captain, I can tell you that, my lads; but now, where's the chart, Robinson. Hand me down the parallel rules and compasses, Peter— they are in the corner of the shelf. Here we are now, a devilish sight too near this infernal point. Who knows how her head is ?" '* I do, O'Brien ; I heard the quarter-master tell the captain, S. W. by S. Southerly." " Let me see," continued O'Brien, "variation 2^ — lee way- -rather too large an allowance o^ that, I'm afraid ; but, however, we'll give her 2J points ; the Diomede would blush to make any more, under any circumstances. Here — the compass — now well see;" and O'Brien ad- vanced the parallel rule from the compass to the spot where the ship was placed on the chart. " Bother ! you see it's as much as she'll do to weather the other point now, on this tack, and that's what the captain meant, when he told us we had more difficulty. I could have taken my Bible oath that Ave were clear of every thing, if the wind held." PETER SIMPLE. 239 " See what the distance is, O'Brien," said Robinson. It was measured, and proved to be thirteen miles. '' Only thirteen miles ; and if we do weather, we shall do very well, for the bay is deep beyond. It's a rocky point, you see, just by way of variety. Well, my lads, IVe a piece of comfort for you, any how. It's not long that you'll be kept in suspense, for by one o'clock this day, you'll either be congratu- lating each other upon your good luck, or you'll be past praying for. Come, put up the chart, for I hate to look at melancholy pros- pects ; and, steward, see what you can find in the way of comfort." Some bread and cheese, with the remains of yesterday's boiled pork, were put on the table, with a bottle of rum, procured at the time they '^ spliced the main- brace ;''' but we were all too anxious to eat mucli, and one by one returned on deck, to see how the weather was, and if the wind at all favoured us. On deck the superior officers were in conversation with the captain, who had expressed the same fear that O'Brien had in our berth. The men, who knew what they had 240 PETER SIMPLE. to expect — for this sort of intelligence is soon communicated through a ship — were assembled in knots, looking very grave, but at the same time not wanting in confidence. They knew that they could trust to the captain, as far as skill or courage could avail them, and sailors are too sanguine to despair, even at the last moment. As for myself, I felt such admi- ration for the captain, after what I had wit- nessed that morning, that, whenever the idea came over me, that in all probability I should be lost in a few hours, I could not help acknow- ledging how much more serious it was that such a man should be lost to his country. I do not intend to say that it consoled me ; but it cer- tainly made me still more regret the chances with which we were threatened. Before twelve o'clock, the rocky point which we so much dreaded was in sight, broad on the lee bow ; and if the low, sandy coast appeared terrible, how much more did this, even at a distance : the black masses of rock, covered with foam, which each minute dashed up in the air higher than our lower mast-heads. The PETER SIMPLE. 241 captain eyed it for some minutes in silence, as if in calculation. '' Mr. Falcon," said he at last, "we must put the mainsail on her." " She never can bear it, sir." " She must bear it," was the reply. " Send the men aft to the main-sheet. See that careful men attend the buntlines." The mainsail was set, and the effect of it upon the ship was tremendous. She careened over so that her lee channels were under the water, and when pressed by a sea, the lee side of the quarter-deck and gangwa}^ were afloat. She now reminded me of a goaded and fiery horse, mad with the stimulus applied ; not rising as before, but forcing herself through whole seas, and dividing the waves, which poured in one continual torrent from the fore- castle down upon the decks below. Four men were secured to the wheel — the sailors were obliged to cling, to prevent being washed away — the ropes were thrown in confusion to leeward — the shot rolled out of the lockers, and every eye was fixed aloft, watching the masts, which were VOL. I. M 242 PETER SIMPLE. expected every moment to go over the side. A heavy sea struck us on the broadside, and it was some moments before the ship appeared to recover herself ; she reeled, trembled, and stopped her way, as if it had stupified her. The first lieutenant looked at the captain, as if to say, " This will not do.^' " It is our only chance," answered the captain to the appeal. That the ship went faster through the water, and held a better wind, was certain ; but just before we arrived at the point, the gale in- creased in force. " If any thing starts, we are lost, sir,'' observed the first lieutenant again. '• I am perfectly aware of it," replied the captain, in a calm tone ; " but, as I said before, and you must now be aware, it is our only chance. The consequence of any careless- ness or neglect in the fitting and securing of the rigging, will be felt now ; and this danger, if we escape it, ought to remind us how much we have to answer for, if we neglect our duty. The lives of a whole ship's company m.ay be sacri- ficed by the neglect or incompetence of an officer when in harbour. I will pay you the PETER SIMPLE. 243 compliment, Falcon, to say, that I feel con- vinced that the masts of this ship are as secure as knowledge and attention can make them." o The first lieutenant thanked the captain for his good opinion, and hoped it would not be the last compliment which he paid him. " I hope not too : but a few minutes will decide the point." The ship was now within two cables' lengths of the rocky point; some few of the men I observed to clasp their hands, but most of them were silently taking off their jackets, and kick- ing off their shoes, that they might not lose a chance of escape provided the ship struck. " 'Twill be touch and go indeed. Falcon," observed the captain, (for I had clung to the belaying pins, close to them, for the last half- hour that the mainsail had been set.) " Come aft, you and I must take the helm. We shall want nerve there, and only there, now." The captain and first lieutenant went aft, and took the fore- spokes of the wheel, and O'Brien, at a sign made by the captain, laid hold of the spokes behind him. An old M 2 244 PETER SIMPLE. quarter-master kept his station at the fourth. The roaring of the seas on the rocks, with the howling of the wind, were dreadful ; but the sioht was more dreadful than the noise. For a few moments I shut my eyes, but anxiety forced me to open them again. As near as I could judge, we were not twenty yards from the rocks, at the time that the ship passed abreast of them. We were in the midst of the foam, which boiled around us ; and, as the ship was driven nearer to them, and careened with the wave, I thought that our main-yard-arm would have touched the rock ; and at this moment a gust of wind came on, which laid the ship on her beam-ends, and checked her progress through the water, while the accumu- lated noise was deafening. A few moments more the ship dragged on, another wave dashed over her and spent itself upon the rocks, while the spray was dashed back from them, and returned upon the decks. The main rock was within ten yards of her counter, when another gust of wind laid us on our beam-ends, the foresail and mainsail split, and PETER SIMPLE. 215 were blown clean out of the bolt ropes— the ship righted, trembling fore and aft. I looked astern : — the rocks were to windward on our quarter, and we were safe. I thought at the time, that the ship, relieved of her courses, and again lifting over the waves, was not a bad similitude of the relief felt by us all at that moment ; and, like her, we trembled as we panted with the sudden reaction, and felt the removal of the intense anxiety which oppressed our breasts. The captain resigned the helm, and walked aft to look at the point, which was now broad on the weather quarter. In a minute or two^ he desired Mr. Falcon to get new sails up and bend them, and then went below to his cabin. I am sure it was to thank God for our deliver- ance ; I did most fervently, not only then, but when I went to my hammock at night. We were now comparatively safe — in a few hours completely so ; for strange to say, immediately after we had weathered the rocks, the gale abated, and before morning we had a reef out of the topsails. It was my forenoon watch. 246 PETER SIMPLE. and perceiving Mr. Chucks on the forecastle, I went forward to him, and asked him what he thought of it. " Thought of it, sir!" replied he: " why I always think bad of it, when the elements won't allow my whistle to be heard: and I consider it hardly fair play. I never care if we are left to our own exertions ; but how is it possible for a ship's company to do their best, when they cannot hear the boatswain's pipe.^ However, God be thanked, nevertheless, and make better Christians of us all ! As for that carpenter, he is mad : just before we weathered the point, he told me that it was just the same 27,600 and odd years ago. I do believe that on his death-bed, (and he was not far from a very hard one yesterday,) that he will tell us how he died so many thousand years ago, of the same complaint. And that gunner of ours is a fool. Would you believe it, Mr. Simple, he went crying about the decks, ' O my poor guns, what will become of them, if they break loose !' He appeared to consider it of no consequence, if the ship and ship's PETER SIMPLE. 247 company were all lost, provided that his guns were safely landed on the beach. ' Mr. Dispart,' said I, at last, ' allow me to observe, in the most delicate way in the world, that you're a d — d old fool.' You see, Mr. Simple, it's the duty of an officer to generalize, and be at- tentive to parts,only in consideration of the safety of the whole. I look after my anchors and cables, as I do after the rigging; not that I care for any of them in particular, but because the safety of a ship depends upon her being well found. I might just as well cry because we sacrificed an anchor and cable yesterday morning, to save the ship from going on shore." " Very true, Mr. Chucks," replied I. " Private feelings," continued he, " must always be sacrificed for the public service. As you know, the lower deck was full of water, and all our cabins and chests were afloat ; but I did not think then about my shirts, and look at them now, all blowing out in the fore- rigging, without a part'cle of starch left in the collars or the frills. I shall not be able 248 PETER SIMPLE. to appear as an officer ought to do for the whole of the cruise." As he said this, the cooper, going forward, passed by him, and jostled him in passing. " Beg pardon, sir," said the man, " but the ship lurched." " The ship lurched, did it ?" replied the boatswain, who, I am afraid, was not in the best of humours about his wardrobe. " And pray, Mr. Cooper, why has heaven granted you two legs, with joints at the knees, except to enable you to counteract the horizontal deviation ? Do you suppose they were meant for nothing but to work round a cask with ? Hark, sir, did you take me for a post to scrub your pig''s hide against ? Allow me just to . observe, Mr. Cooper— just to insinuate, that when you pass an officer, it is your duty to keep at a respectable distance, and not to soil his clothes with your rusty iron jacket. Do you comprehend me, sir; or will this make you recollect it in future ?" The rattan was raised, and descended in a shower of blows, until the cooper made his escape into the head. " There, k PETER SIMPLE. 249 take that, you contaminating, stave-dubbing, gimlet-carrying quintescence of a bung-hole ! I beg your pardon, Mr. Simple, for interrupt- ing the conversation, but when duty calls, we must obey." " Very true, Mr. Chucks. It's now striking seven bells, and I must call the master — so good-bye." M 5 250 PETER SIMPLE. CHAPTER XVI. News from home — A fatigue party employed at Gi- braltar — More particulars in the life of Mr. Chucks — A brush with the enemy — A court-martial and a lasting impression. A FEW days afterwards, a cutter joined us from Plymouth, with orders for the frigate to proceed forthwith to Gibraltar, where we should learn our destination. We were all very glad of this ; for we had had quite enough of cruising in the Bay of Biscay ; and, as we understood that we were to be stationed in the Mediterra- nean, we hoped to exchange gales of wind and severe weather, for fine breezes and a bright sky. The cutter brought out our letters and newspapers. I never felt more happy than I PETER SIMPLE. 251 did when I found one put into my hands. It is necessary to be far from home and friends, to feel the real delight of receiving a letter. I went down into the most solitary place in the steerage, that I might enjoy it without inter- ruption. I cried with pleasure before I opened it, but I cried a great deal more with grief, after I had read the contents — for my eldest brother Tom was dead of a typhus fever. Poor Tom ! when I called to mind what tricks he used to play me — how he used to borrow my money and never pay me — and how he used to thrash me and make me obey him, because he was my elder brother — I shed a torrent of tears at his loss ; and then I reflected how mise- rable my poor mother must be, and I cried still more. " What's the matter, spooney ?" said O'Brien, coming up to me. " Who has been licking you now ?" " O nobody j""* replied I ; " but my eldest brother Tom is dead, and I have no other." " Well, Peter, I dare say that your brother was a very good brother ; but I'll tell you a 252' PETER SIMPLE. secret. When you've lived long enough to have a beard to scrape at, you'll know better than to make a fuss about an elder brother. But you're a good, innocent boy just now, so I won't thrash you for it. Come, dry your eyes, Peter, and never mind it. We'll drink his health and long life to him, after supper, and then never think any more about it." I was very melancholy for a few days ; but it was so delightful running down the Portuguese and Spanish coasts, the weather was so warm, and the sea so smooth, that I am afraid I forgot my brother's death sooner than I ought to have done ; but my spirits were cheered up, and the novelty of the scene prevented me from think- ing. Every one, too, was so gay and happy, that I could not well be otherwise. In a fort- night, we anchored in Gibraltar Bay, and the ship was stripped to refit. There was so much duty to be done, that I did not like to ask to go on shore. Indeed, Mr. Falcon had refused some of my messmates, and I thought it better not to ask, although I was very anxious to see a place which was considered so extraordinary. One PETER SIMPLE. 253 afternoon, I was looking over the gangway as the people were at supper, and Mr. Falcon came up to me and said, " Well, Mr. Simple, what are you thinking of ? " I replied, touching my hat, that I was wondering how they had cut out the solid rock into galleries, and that they must be very curious* " That is to say, that you are very curious to see them. Well, then, since you have been very attentive to your duty, and have not asked to go on shore, I will give you leave to go to-morrow morning and stay till gun-fire." I was very much pleased at this, as the of- ficers had a general invitation to dine with the mess, and all who could obtain leave being re- quested to come, I was enabled to join the party. The first lieutenant had excused him- self on the plea of there being so much to attend to on board ; but most of the gun-room officers and some of the midshipmen obtained leave. We walked about the town and fortifications until dinner-time, and then we proceeded to the barracks. The dinner was very good, and we were all very merry; but after the desert 254 PETER SIMPLE. had been brought in, I slipped away with a young ensign, who took me all over the gal- leries and explained everything to me, which was a much better way of employing my time than doing as the others did, which the reader will ac- knowledge. I was at the sally-port before gun- fire — the boat was there, but no officers made their appearance. The gun fired, the draw- bridge was hauled up, and I was afraid that I should be blamed ; but the boat was not ordered to shove off, as it was waiting for commissioned officers. About an hour afterwards, when it was quite dark, the sentry pointed his arms and challenged a person advancing with ^' Who comes there ? " — " Naval officer, drunk on a wheelbarrow," was the reply, in aloud singing voice. Upon which, the sentry recovered his arms, singing in return, " Pass, naval officer, drunk on a wheelbarrow — and alFs well ! " and then appeared a soldier in his fatigue dress, wheeling down the third lieutenant in a wheel- barrow, so tipsy that he could not stand or speak. Then the sentry challenged again, and the an- swer was, " Another naval officer, drunk on a PETER SIMPLE. 255 wheelbarrow ;" upon which the sentry replied as before, " Pass, another naval officer, drunk in a wheelbarrow — and all's well." This was my friend O'Brien, almost as bad as the third lieutenant ; and so they continued for ten minutes, challenging and passing, until they wheeled down the remainder of the party, with the exception of the second lieutenant, who walked arm and arm with the officer who brought down the order for lowering the drawbridge. I was much shocked, for I considered it very disgraceful ; but I afterwards was told, which certainly admitted of some excuse, that the mess were notorious for never permitting any of their guests to leave the table sober. They were all safely put into the boat, and I am glad to say, the first lieutenant was in bed and did not see them ; but I could not help acknowledging the truth of an observation made by one of the men, as the officers were handed into the boat, " I say. Bill, if them were we^ what a pre- cious twisting we should get to-morrow at six bells ! " The ship remained in Gibraltar bay about 256 PETER SIMPLE. three weeks, during which time we had refitted the rigging fore and aft, re-stowed and cleaned the hold, and painted outside. She never looked more beautiful than she did, when, in obedience to our orders, we made sail to join the admiral. We past Europa Point with a fair wind, and at sunset we were sixty miles from the rock, yet it was distinctly to be seen, like a blue cloud, but the outline perfectly correct. I mention this, as perhaps my reader would not have believed that it was possible to see land at such a distance. We steered for Cape de Gatte, and we were next day close in shore. I was very much delighted with the Spanish coast, mountain upon mountain, hill upon hill, covered with vines nearly to their summits. We might have gone on shore at some places, for at that time we were friendly with the Spaniards, but the captain was in too great a hurry to join the admiral. We had very light winds, and a day or tw^o afterwards we were off Valencia, nearly becalmed. I was on the gangway, looking through a telescope at the houses and gardens round the city, when Mr. Chucks, the boatswain. PETER SIMPLE. 257 came up to me. " Mr. Simple, oblige me with that glass a moment ; I wish to see if a building remains there, which I have some reason to re- member." " What, where you ever on shore there ? " " Yes I was, Mr. Simple, and nearly stranded^ but I got off again without much damage." " How do you mean — were you wrecked then.?" " Not my ship, Mr Simple, but my peace of mind was for some time ; but it's many years ago, when I was first made boatswain of a cor- vette ; (during this conversation he was looking through the telescope;) yes, there it is," said he, " I have it in the field. Look, Mr. Simple, do you see a small church, with a spire of glazed tiles, shining like a needle." " Yes, I do." " Well, then, just above it, a little to the right, there is a long white house, with four small windows — below the grove of orange trees." " I see it," replied I ; " but what about that house, Mr. Chucks .? " 258 PETER SIMPLE. " Why, thereby hangs a tale,'' replied he, giving a sigh, which raised and then lowered the frill of his shirt, at least six inches. " Why, what is the mystery, Mr. Chucks ?" " I'll tell you, Mr. Simple. With one who lived in that house, I was for the first, and for the last time, in love.'' " Indeed ! I should like very much to hear the story." " So you shall, Mr. Sinaple, but I must beg that you will not mention it, as young gentlemen are apt to quiz ; and I think that being quizzed hurts my authority with the men. It is now about sixteen years back — we were then on good terms with the Spaniards, as we are now. I was then little more than thirty years old, and had just received my warrant as boatswain. I was considered a v/ell-looking young man at that time, although lately I have, to a certain degree, got the better of that." " Well, I consider you a remarkably good- looking man now, Mr. Chucks." " Thank you, Mr. Simple ; but nothing im- proves by age that I know of, except rum. I used to dress very smart, and ' cut the boat- PETER SIMPLE. 259 swain ' when I was on shore ; and perhaps I had not lost so much of the polish I had picked up in good society. One evening, I was walking in the Plaza, when I saw a female ahead, who ap- peared to be the prettiest moulded little vessel that I ever cast my eyes on. I followed in her wake, and examined her ; such a clean run I never beheld — so neat, too, in all her rigging — every thing so nicely stowed under hatches. And then, she sailed along in such a style, at one moment lifting so lightly, just like a frigate, with her topsails on the caps, that can''t help going along. At another time, as she turned a corner sharp up in the wind — wake as straight as an arrow — no leeway — I made all sail to sheer along side of her, and, when under her quarter, examined her close. Never saw such a fine swell in the counter, and all so trim — no ropes towing overboard. Well, Mr. Simple, I said to myself, ' D — n it, if her figure-head and bows be finished off by the same builder, she's perfect.' So I shot ahead, and yawed a little — caught a peep at her through her veil, and saw two black eyes — as bright as beads, and as large 260 PETER SIMPLE. as damsons. I saw quite enough, and not wish- ing to frighten her, I dropped astera. Shortly afterwards she altered her course, steering for that white house. Just as she was abreast of it, and I playing about her weather quarter, the priests came by in procession, taking the host to somebody who was dying. My little frigate lowered her topgallant sails out of respect, as other nations used to do, and ought now, and be d — d to them, whenever they pass the flag of old England " '' How do you mean ? "" inquired I. " I mean that she spread her white handker- chief, which fluttered in her hand as she went along, and knelt down upon it on one knee. I did the same, because I was obliged to heave-to, to keep my station, and I thought, that if she saw me, it would please her. When she got up, I was on my legs also ; but in my hurry, I had not chosen a very clean place, and I found out, when I got up again, that my white jean trowsers were in a shocking mess. The young lady turned round, and seeing my misfortune laughed, and then went into the white house. PETER SIMPLE. 261 while I stood there like a fool, first looking at the door of the house, and then at my trowsers. However, I thought that I might make it the means of being acquainted with her, so I went to the door and knocked. An old gentleman in a large cloak, who was her father, came out ; I pointed to my trowsers, and requested him in Spanish to allow me a little water to clean them. The daughter then came from within, and told her father how the accident had happened. The old gentleman was surprised that an English officer was so good a Christian, and appeared to be pleased. He asked me very politely to come in, and sent an old woman for some water. I observed that he was smoking a bit of paper, and having very fortunately about a couple of dozen of real Havannahs in my pocket, (for I^ never smoke any thing else, Mr. Simple, it being my opinion that no gentleman can,) I took them out, and begged his ac- ceptance of them. His eyes glistened at the sight of fehem, but he refused to take more than one ; however, I insisted upon his taking the whole bundle, telling him that I had plenty 262 PETER SIMPLE. more on board, reserving one for myself, that I might smoke it with him. He then requested me to sit down, and the old woman brought some sour wine, which I declared was very good, although it made me quite ill afterwards. He inquired of me whether I was a good Chris- tian. I replied that I was. I knew that he meant a Catholic, for they call us heretics, Mr. Simple. The daughter then came in without her veil, and she was perfection ; but I did not look at her, or pay her any attention after the first salutation, I was so afraid of making the old gentleman suspicious. He then asked what I was — what sort of officer — was I captain. I replied that I was not. Was I 'tenente, w^hich means lieutenant ; I answered that I was not, again, but with an air of contempt, as if I was something better. What was I then ? I did not know the Spanish for boatswain, and, to tell the truth, I was ashamed of my condition. I knew that there was an officer in Spain called cor- regidor, w^hich means a corrector in English, or one who punishes. Now I thought that quite near enough for my purpose, and I replied PETER SIMPLE. 263 that I was the corregidor. Now, Mr. Simple, a corregidor in Spain is a person of rank and consequence, so they imagined that I must be the same, and they appeared to be pleased. The young lady then inquired if I was of good family — whether I was a gentleman or not. I replied that I hoped so. I remained with them for half an hour more, when my segar was finished ; I then rose, and thanking the old gentleman for his civility, begged that I might be allowed to bring him a few more segar s, and took ray leave. The daughter opened the street door, and I could not refrain from taking her hand, and kissing it " " Where's Mr. Chucks ? call the boatswain there forward,'"* hollaod out the lieutenant. " Here I am, sir," replied Mr. Chucks, hastening aft, and leaving me and his story. " The captain of the maintop reports the breast backstay much chafed in the serving. Go up and examine it," said the first lieu- tenant. " Yes, sir," replied the boatswain, who im- mediately went up the rigging. 264 TETER SIMPLE. " And, Mr. Simple, attend to the men scrap- ing the spots off the quarter-deck." " Yes, sir," replied I ; and thus our conver- sation was broken up. The weather changed that night, and we had a succession of rain and baffling winds for six or seven days, during which I had no oppor- tunity of hearing the remainder of the boat- swain's history. We joined the fleet off Toulon, closed the admiral's ship, and the captain went on board to pay his respects. When he returned, we found out, through the first lieutenant, that we were to remain with the fleet until the arrival of another frigate, expected in about a fortnight, and then the admiral had promised that we should have a cruise. The second day after we had joined, we were ordered to form part of the in-shore squadron, consisting of two line-of-battle ships and four frigates. The French fleet used to come out and manoeuvre within range of their batteries, or, if they proceeded further from the shore, they took good care that they had a leading wind to return again into port. We PETER SIMPLE. 265 had been in shore about a week, every day running close in, and counting the French fleet in the harbour, to see that they were all safe, and reporting it to the admiral by signal, when one fine morning, the whole of the French vessels were perceived to hoist their topsails, and in less than an hour they were under weigh, and came out of the harbour. We were always prepared for action, night and day, and, indeed, often exchanged a shot or two with the batteries when we reconnoitered ; the in-shore squadron could not of course cope with the whole French fleet, and our own was about twelve miles in the ofiing, but the captain of the line-of-battle ship who commanded us, hove to, as if in de- fiance, hoping to entice them further out. This was not very easy to do, as the French knew that a shift of wind might put it out of their power to refuse an action, which was what they would avoid, and what we were so anxious to bring about. 1 say we, speaking of the English, not of myself, for to tell the truth, I was not so very anxious. I was not exactly afraid, but I had an unpleasant sensation at the noise of a VOL. I. N 266 PETER SIMPLE. cannon ball, which I had not as yet got over. However, four of the French frigates made sail towards us, and hove to, when within four miles, three or four line-of-battle ships follow- ing them, as if to support them. Our captain made signal for permission to close the enemy, which was granted, with our pennants, and those of another frigate. We immediately made all sail, beat to quarters, put out the fires, and opened the magazines. The French line- of-battle ships perceiving that only two of our frigates were sent against their four, hove to at about the same distance from their frigates, as our line-of-battle ships and other frigates were from us. In the mean time our main fleet con- tinued to work in shore under a press of sail, and the French main fleet also gradually ap- proached the detached ships. The whole scene reminded me of the tournaments I had read of ; it was a challenge in the lists, only that the enemy were two to one ; a fair acknowledg- ment on their parts of our superiority. In about an hour we closed so near, that the French frigates made sail and commenced firing. PETER SIMPLE. 267 We reserved our fire until within a quarter of a mile, when we poured our broadside into the headmost frigate, exchanging with her on opposite tacks. The Sea-horse, who followed also gave her a broadside. In this way we ex- changed broadsides with the whole four, and we had the best of it, for they could not load so fast as we could. We were both ready again for the frigates as they passed us, but they were not ready with their broadside for the Sea-horse, who followed us very closely, so that they had two broadsides each, and we had only four in the Diomede, the Sea-horse not having one. Our rigging was cut up a great deal, and we had six or seven men wounded, but none killed. The French frigates suffered more, and their admiral perceiving that they wete cut up agood deal, made the signal of recall. In the mean time, we had both tacked, and were ranging up on the weather quarter of the sternmost frigate ; the line-of-battle ships per- ceiving this, ran down with the wind, two points free, to support their frigates, and our in-shore squadron made all sail to support us, N 2 268 PETER SIMPLE. nearly laying up for where we were. But the wind was what is called at sea a soldier's wind, that is, blowing so that the ships could lie either way, so as to run out or into the harbour, and the French frigates, in obedience to their orders, made sail for their fleet in shore, the line-of- battle ships coming out to support them. But our captain would not give it up, although we all contined to near the French line-of-battle ships every minute — we ran in with the frigates, exchanging broadsides with them as fast as we could. One of them lost her fore topmast, and dropped astern, and we hoped to cut her off, but the others shortened sail to support her. This continued for about twenty minutes, when the French line-of-battle ships were not more than a mile from us, and our own commodore had made the signal of our recall, for he thought that we should be overpowered and taken. But the Sea-horse, who saw the recall up, did not repeat it, and our captain was de- termined not to see it, and ordered the signal man not to look that way. The action con- tinued, two of the French frigates were cut to PETER SIMPLE. 269 pieces, and complete wrecks, when the French line-of-battle ships commenced firing. It was then high time to be off. We each of us poured in another broadside, and then wore round for our own squadron, which were about four miles off, and rather to leeward, standing in to our assistance. As we wore round, our main topmast, which had been badly wounded, fell over the side, and the French perceiving this, made all sail, with the hope of capturing us ; but the Sea-horse remained with us, and we threw up in the wind, and raked them until they were within two cables' lengths of us. Then we stood on for our own ships ; at last, one of the line-of-battle ships, which sailed as well as the frigates, came abreast of us, and poured in a broadside, which brought every thing about our ears, and I thought we must be taken ; but on the contrary, although we lost several men, the captain said to the first lieu- tenant, " Now if they only wait a little longer, they are nabbed, as sure as fate." Just at this moment, our own line-of-battle ships opened their fire, and then the tables were turned. The 270 PETER SIMPLE. French tacked, and stood in as fast as they could, followed by the in-shore squadron, with the exception of our ship, which was too much crippled to chase them. One of their frigates had taken in tow the other, who had lost her topmast, and our squadron came up with her very fast. The English fleet were also within three miles, standing in, and the French fleet standing out, to the assistance of the other ships which had been engaged. I thought, and so did every body, that there would be a general action, but we were disappointed ; the frigate which towed the other, finding that she could not escape, cast her off^, and left her to her fate, which was to haul down her colours to the commodore of the in-shore squadron. The chase was continued until the whole of the French vessels were close under their batteries, and then our fleet returned to its station with the prize, which proved to be the Narcisse, of thirty-six guns. Captain Le Pelleteon. Our captain obtained a great deal of credit for his gallant behaviour. We had three men killed, and Robinson, the midshipman, and ten men PETER SIMPLE. 271 wounded, some of them severely. I think this action cured me of my fear of a cannon ball, for during the few days we remained with the fleet, we often were fired at when we recon- noitered, but I did not care any thing for them. About the time she was expected, the frigate joined, and we had permission to part company. But before I proceed with the history of our cruize, I shall mention the circumstances attend- ing a court martial, which took place during the time that we were with the fleet, our cap- tain having been recalled from the in-shore squadron to sit as one of the members. I was the midshipman appointed to the captain's gig, and remained on board of the admiral's ship . during the whole of the time that the court was sitting. Two seamen, one an Englishman, and the other a Frenchman, were tried for desertion from one of our frigates. They had left their ship about three months, when the frigate captured a French privateer, and found them on board as part of her crew. For the Englishman, of course, there was no defence; he merited the punishment of death, to which 272 PETER SIMPLE. he was immediately sentenced. There may be some excuse for desertion, when we consider that the seamen are taken into the service by force, but there could be none for fighting against his country. But the case of the Frenchman was different. He was bom and bred in France, had been one of the crew of the French gun-boats at Cadiz, where he had been made a prisoner by the Spaniards, and expecting his throat to be cut every day, had contrived to escape on board of the frigate lying in the harbour, and entered into our service, I really believe to save his life. He was nearly two years in the frigate before he could find an opportunity of deserting from her, and returning to France, when he joined the French privateer. During the time that he was in the frigate, he bore an excellent charac- ter. The greatest point against him was, that on his arrival at Gibraltar, he had been offered, and had received the bounty. When the English- man was asked what he had to say in his defence, he replied, that he had been pressed out of an American ship, that he was an American born. PETER SIMPLE. 273 and that he had never taken the bounty. But this was not true. The defence of the French- man was considered so very good for a person in his station in life, that I obtained a copy of it, which ran as follows : — " Mr. President, and Officers of the Honour- able Court ; — It is with the greatest humility that I venture to address you. I shall be very brief, nor shall I attempt to disprove the charges which have been made against me, but confine myself to a few facts, the consideration of which will, I trust, operate upon ycur feel- ings in mitigation of the punishment to which I may be sentenced for my fault— a fault which proceeded, not from any evil motive, but from an ardent love for my country. I am by birth a Frenchman ; my life has been spent in the service of France until a few months after the revolution in Spain, when I, together with those who composed the French squadron at Cadiz, was made a prisoner. The hardships and cruel usage which I endured became insup- portable. I effected my escape, and after wan- n5 274 PETER SIMPLE. dering about the town for two or three days, in hourly expectation of being assassinated, the fate of too many of my unfortunate country- men ; desperate from famine, and perceiving no other chance of escaping from the town, I was reduced to the necessity of offering myself as a volunteer on board of an English frigate. I dared not, as I ought to have done, ac- knowledge myself to have been a prisoner, from the dread of being delivered up to the Spaniards. During the period that I served on board of your frigate, I confidently rely upon the captain and the officers for my cha- racter. " The love of our country, although dor- mant for a time, will ultimately be roused, and peculiar circumstances occurred which ren- dered the feeling irresistible. I returned to my duty, and for having so done, am I to be debarred from again returning to that country so dear to me — from again beholding my aged parents, who bless me in my absence — from again embracing my brothers and sisters — to PETER SIMPLE. 275 end my days upon a scaffold ; not for the crime which I did commit in entering into your ser- vice, but for an act of duty and repentance — that of returning to my own. Allow me to observe, that the charge against me is not for entering your service, but for having deserted from it. For the former, not even my misery can be brought forward but in extenuation ; for the latter I have a proud consciousness, which will, I trust, be my support in my extremity. " Gentlemen, I earnestly entreat you to con- sider my situation, and I am sure that your generous hearts will pity me. Let that love of your country, which now animates your breasts, and induces you to risk your lives and your all, now plead for me. Already has British humanity saved thousands of my coun- trymen from the rage of the Spaniards : let that same humanity be extended now, and induce my judges to add one more to the list of those who, although our nations are at war, if they are endowed with feeling, can have but one sentiment towards their generous enemy — a 276 PETER SIMPLE. sentiment overpowering all other, that of a deep- felt gratitude." * Whatever may have been the effect of the address upon the court individually, it appeared at the time to have none upon them as a body. Both the men were condemned to death, and the day after the morrow was fixed for their execution. I watched the two prisoners as they went down the side, to be conducted on board of their own ship. The Englishman tlirew himself down in the stern sheets of the boat, every minor consideration apparently swallowed up in the thought of his approaching end ; but the Frenchman, before he sat down, observing that the seat was a little dirty, took out his silk handkerchief, and spread it on the seat, that he might not soil his nankeen trowsers. I was ordered to attend the punishment on the day appointed. The sun shone so brightly, and the sky was so clear, the wind so gentle and mild, that it appeared hardly possible that it was to be a day of such awe and misery to * This is fact. — Author. PETER SIMPLE. 277 the two poor men, or of such melancholy to the fleet in general. I pulled up my boat with the others belonging to the ships of the fleet, in obedience to the orders of the officer super- intending, close to the fore-chains of the ship. In about half an hour afterwards, the prisoners made their appearance on the scaffold, the caps were pulled over their eyes, and the gun fired underneath them. When the smoke rolled away, the Englishman was swinging at the yard-arm, but the Frenchman was not ; he had made a spring when the gun fired, hoping to break his neck at once, and put an end to his misery ; but he fell on the edge of the scaffold, where he lay. We thought that his rope had given way, and it appeared that he did the same, for he made an inquiry, but they returned him no answer. He was kept on the scaffold during the whole hour that the English- man remained suspended ; his cap had been removed, and he looked occasionally at his fellow-suff'erer. When the body was lowered down, he considered that his time was come, and attempted to leap overboard. He was 278 PETER SIMPLE. restrained and led aft, where his reprieve was read to him, and his arms were unbound. But the effect of the shock was too much for his mind ; he fell down in a swoon, and when he recovered, his senses had left him, and I heard that he never recovered them, but was sent home to be confined as a maniac. T thought, and the result proved, that it was carried too far. It is not the custom, when a man is reprieved, to tell him so, until after he is on the scaffold, with the intention that his awful situa- tion at the time may make a lasting impression upon him during the remainder of his life ; but, as a foreigner, he was not aware of our customs, and the hour of intense feeling which he under- went was too much for his reason. I must say, that this circumstance was always a source of deep regret in the whole fleet, and that his being a Frenchman, instead of an Englishman, in- creased the feeling of commiseration. PETER SIMPLE. 279 CHAPTER XVII. Mr. Chucks' opinion on proper names — He finishes his Spanish tale — March of intellect among the Warrant Officers. We were all delighted when our signal was hoisted to " part company," as we anticipated plenty of prize-money under such an enter- prising captain. We steered for the French coast, near to its junction with Spain, the cap- tain having orders to intercept any convoys sent to supply the French army with stores and provisions. The day after we parted company with the fleet, Mr. Chucks finished his story. " Where was I, Mr. Simple, when I left off?'' said he, as we took a seat upon the long eighteen. 280 PETER SIMPLE. "■You had just left the house after having told them that you were a corregidor, and had kissed the lady's hand" "Very true. Well, Mr. Simple, I did not call there for two or three days afterwards ; I did not like to go too soon, especially as I saw the young lady every day in the Plaza. She would not speak to me, but, to make use of their expression, she ' gave me her eyes,"* and sometimes a sweet smile. I recollect I was busy looking at her one day, that I tripped over my sword, and nearly fell on my nose, at which she burst out a laughing." " Your sword, Mr. Chucks ? I thought boatswains never wore swords." '^ Mr. Simple, a boatswain is an officer, and is entitled to a sword as well as the captain, although we have been laughed out of it by a set of midshipman monkeys. I always wore my sword at that time; but now-a-days, a boatswain is counted as nobody, unless there is hard work to do, and then it's Mr. Chucks this, and Mr. Chucks that. But I'll explain to you how it is, Mr. Simple, that we boat- PETER SIMPLE. 281 swains have lost so much of consequence and dignity. The first lieutenants are made to do the boatswain''s duty now-a-days, and if they could only wind the call, they might scratch the boatswain's name off half the ship's books in his Majesty's service. But to go on with my yarn. On the fourth day, I called witli my handkerchief full of cigars for the father, but he was at siesta, as they called it. The old serving-woman would not let me in at first ; but I shoved a dollar between her skinny old fingers, and that altered her note. She put her old head out, and looked round to see if there was any body in the street to watch us, and then she let me in and shut the door. I walked into the room, and found myself alone with Seraphina." "• Seraphina ! — what a fine name !" •' No name can be too fine for a pretty girl, or a good frigate, Mr. Simple; for my part, I'm very fond of these hard names. Your Bess, and Poll, and Sue, do very well for the Point, or Castle Rag ; but in my o])inion, they degrade a lady. Don't you observe, Mr. Simple, PETER SIMPLE. that all our gun-brigs, a sort of vessel that will certainly d — n the inventor to all eternity, have nothing but low common names, such as Pinch er, Thrasher, Boxer, Badger, and all that sort, which are quite good enough for them; whereas all our dashing saucy frigates have names as long as the main-top bowling, and hard enough to break your jaw — such as Mel- pomeny, Terpsichory, Arethusy, Bacchanty — fine flourishers, as long as their pennants which dip alongside in a calm."" " Very true," replied I ; " but do you think, then, it is the same with family names ?" '• Most certainly, Mr. Simple. When I was in good society, I rarely fell in with such names as Potts or Bell, or Smith or Hodges ; it was always Mr. Fortescue, or Mr. Fitzgerald, or Mr. Fitzherbert — seldom bowed sir, to any- thing under three syllables." " Then I presume, Mr. Chucks, you are not fond of your own name?" " There you touch me, Mr. Simple ; but it is quite good enough for a boatswain," replied Mr. Chucks, with a sigh. " I certainly did PETER SIMPLE. 283 very wrong to impose upon people as I did, but I've been severely punished for it — it has made me discontented and unhappy ever since. Dearly have I paid for my spree ; for there's nothing so miserable as to have ideas above your station in life, Mr. Simple, But I must make sail again. I was three hours with Seraphina before her father came home, and during that time I never was quietly at an anchor for for above a minute. I was on my kness, vowing and swearing, kissing her feet and kissing her hand, till at last I got to her lips, working my way up as regularly as one who gets in at the hawsehole and crawls aft to the cabin windows. She was very kind, and she smiled, and sighed, and pushed me off, and squeezed my hand, and was angry — frowning till I was in despair, and then making me happy again with her melting dark eyes beaming kindly, till at last she said, that she would try to love me, and asked me whether I would marry her and live in Spain. I replied that I would ; and, indeed, I felt as if I could, only at the time the thought occurred to me where the rhino was to come from, for I 284 PETER SIMPLE. could not live, as her father did, upon a paper cigar and a piece of melon per day. At all events, as far as words went, it was a settled thing. When her father came home, the old servant told him that I had just at that moment arrived, and that his daughter was in her own room ; so she was, for she ran away as soon as she heard her father knock. I made my bow to the old gentleman, and gave him the cigars. He was serious at first, but the sight of them put him into good humour, and in a few minutes Donna Seraphina, (they call a lady a Donna in Spain,) came in, saluting me ceremo- niously, as if we had not been kissing for the hour together. I did not remain long, as it was getting late, so I took a glass of the old gentleman's sour wine and walked off, with a request from him to call again, the young lady paying me little or no attention during the time that I remained, or at my departure." " Well, Mr. Chucks," observed I, " it appears to me, that she was a very deceitful young person."" •' So she was, Mr. Simple; but a man in love PETER SIMPLE. 285 canH vsee, and I'll tell you why. If he wins the lady, he is as much in love with himself as with her, because he is so proud of his conquest. That was my case. If I had had my eyes, I might have seen that she, who could cheat her old father for a mere stranger, would certainly deceive him in his turn. But if love makes a man blind, vanity, Mr. Simple, makes him blinder. In short, I was an ass.^' " Never mind, Mr. Chucks, there was a good excuse for it. " Well, Mr. Simple, I met her again and again, until I was madly in love, and the father appeared to be aware of what was going on, nd to have no objection. However, he sent for a priest to talk with me, and I again said that I was a good Catholic. I told him that I was in love with the young lady, and woi^M marry her. The father made no objection on my promising to remain in Spain, for he would not part with his only daughter. And there again I was guilty of deceit, first in making a promise I did not intend to keep, and then in pretending that I was a Catholic. Honesty is 286 PETER SIMPLE. the best policy, Mr. Simple, in the long run, you may depend upon it." " So my father has always told me, and I have believed him,'' replied I. '' Well, sir, I am ashamed to say that I did worse ; for the priest, after the thing was settled, asked me whether I had confessed lately. I knew what he meant, and answered that I had not. He motioned me down on my knees : but, as I could not speak Spanish enough for that, I mumbled-jumbled something or another, half Spanish and half English, and ended with putting four dollars in his hand for carita^ which means charity. He was satisfied at the end of my confession, whatever he might have been at the beginning, and gave me absolution, although he could not have understood what my crimes were ; but four dollars, Mr. Simple, will pay for a deal of crime in that country. And now, sir, comes the winding-up of this business. Seraphina told me, that she was going to the opera with some of her relations, and asked me if I would be there ; that the captain of the frigate, and all the other officers PETEE SIMPLE. 287 were going, and that she wished me to go with her. You see, Mr. Simple, although Seraphina's father was so poor, that a mouse would have starved in his house, still he was of good family, and connected with those who was much better off. He was a Don himself, and had fourteen or fifteen long names, which I forget now. I refused to go with her, as I knew that the service would not permit a boatswain to sit in an opera box, when the captain and first lieute- nant were there. I told her, that I had pro- mised to go on board and look after the men while the captain went on shore ; thus, as you'll see, Mr. Simple, making myself a man of con- sequence, only to be more mortified in the end. After she had gone to the opera, I was very uncomfortable : I was afraid that the captain would see her, and take a fancy to her. I walked up and down, outside^until I was so full of love and jealousy, that I determined to go into the pit, and see what she was about. I soon discovered her in a box, with some other ladies, and with them, were my captain and first lieutenant. The captain, who spoke the Ian- 288 PETER SIMPLE. guage well, was leaning over her, talking and laughing, and she was smiling at what he said. I resolved to leave immediately, lest she should see me and discover that I had told her a false- hood ; but they appeared so intimate, that I became so jealous I could not quit the theatre. At last she perceived me, and beckoned her hand ; I looked very angry, and left the theatre cursing like a madman. It appeared, that she pointed me out to the captain, and asked him who I was ; he told her my real situation on board, and spoke of me with contempt. She asked whether I was not a man of family ; at this the captain and first lieutenant both burst out laughing, and said that I was a common sailor who had been promoted to a higher rank for good behaviour — not exactly an officer, and any thing but a gentleman. In short, Mr. Simple, I was blown upon ; and, although the captain said more than was correct, as I learnt afterwards through the officers, still I deserved it. Determined to know the worst, I remained outside till the opera was over, when I saw her come out, the captain and first lieutenant walk- PETER SIMPLE. 289 ing with the party — So that I could not speak with her. I walked to a posada, (that"'s an inn,) and drank seven bottles of rosolio to keep myself quiet ; then I went on board, and the second lieutenant, who was commanding officer, put me under arrest for being intoxicated. It was a week before I was released; and you can't imagine what I suffered, Mr. Simple. At last, I obtained leave to go on shore, and I went to the house to decide my fate. The old woman opened the door, and then calling me a thief, slammed it in my face ; as I retreated, Donna Seraphina came to the window, and, waving her hand with a contemptuous look, said, ' Go, and God be with you, Mr. Gentleman.' I returned on board in such a rage, that if I could have persuaded the gunner to have given me a ball cartridge, I should have shot myself through the head. What made the matter worse, I was laughed at by every body in the ship, for the captain and first lieutenant had made the story public." " Well, Mr. Chucks;' replied I, " I cannot help being sorry for you, although you certainly VOL. I. o 290 PETER SIMPLE. deserved to be punished for your dishonesty. Was that the end of the affair?" " As far as I was concerned, it was, Mr. Simple; but not as respected others. The captain took my place, but without the know- ledge of the father. After all, they neither had great reason to rejoice at the exchange." " How so, Mr. Chucks — what do you mean ?'' " Why, Mr. Simple, the captain did not make an honest woman of her, as I would have done; and the father discovered what was going on, and one night the captain was brought on board run through the body. We sailed immediately for Gibraltar, and it was a long while before he got round again ; and then he had another misfortune." " What was that .?" " Why he lost his boatswain, Mr. Simple ; for I could not bear the sight of him — and then he lost, (as you must know, not from your own knowledge, but from that of others,) a boat- swain who knows his duty." " Every one says so, Mr. Chucks. I'*m sure PETER SIMPLE. 291 that our captain would be very sorry to part with you." " I trust that every captain -has been, with whom I've sailed, Mr. Simple. But that was not all he lost, Mr. Simple ; for the next cruize he lost his masts ; and the loss of his masts oc- casioned the loss of his ship, since which he has never been trusted with another, but is laid on the shelf Now he never carried away a spar of any consequence during the whole time that I was with him. A mast itself is nothing, Mr. Simple — only a piece of wood — but fit your rigging properly, and then a mast is as strong as a rock. Only ask Mr. Faulkner, and he'll tell you the same; and I never met an officer who knew better how to support a mast." " Did you ever hear any more of the young lady.?" " Yes ; about a year afterwards, I returned there in another ship. She had been shut up in a convent, and forced to take the veil. Oh, Mr. Simple ! if you knew how I loved that girl ! I have never been more than polite to a woman since, and shall die a bachelor. You can't o2 292 PETER SIMPLE. think how I was capsized the other day, when I looked at the house ; I have hardly touched beef or pork since, and am in debt two quarts of rum more than my allowance. But, Mr. Simple, I have told you this in confidence, and I trust you are too much of a gentleman to repeat it ; for I cannot bear quizzing from young mid- shipmen." I promised that I would not mention it, and I kept my word ; but circumstances which the reader will learn in the sequel have freed me from the condition. Nobody can quiz him now. We gained our station off the coast of Per- pignan ; and as soon as we made the land, we were most provokin^ly driven off by a severe gale. I am not about to make any remarks about the gale, for one storm is so like another ; but I mention it, to account for a conversation which took place, and with which I was very much amused. I was near to the captain when he sent for Mr. Muddle, the carpenter, who had been up to examine the maintopsail yard, which had been reported as sprung. PETER SIMPLE. 293 " Well, Mr. Muddle," said the captain. " Sprung, sir, most decidedly ; but I think well be able to mitigate it." " Will you be able to secure it for the present, Mr. Muddle.^"" replied the captain, rather sharply. " We'll mitigate it, sir, in half-an-hour." " I wish that you would use common phrases, when you speak to me, Mr. Muddle. I pre- sume, by mitigate, you mean to say that you can secure it. Do you mean so, sir, or do you not ? " " Yes, sir, that is what I mean, most de- cidedly, I hope no offence, Captain Savage ; but I did not intend to displease you by my language." " Very good, Mr. Muddle," replied the cap- tain ; " it's the first time that I have spoken to you on the subject, recollect that it will be the last." " The first time ! " replied the carpenter, who could not forget his philosophy ; " I beg your pardon, Captain Savage, you found just the 294 PETER SIMPLE- same fault with me on this quarter-deck 27,672 years ago, and " *' If I did, Mr. Muddle," interrupted the captain, very angrily, " depend upon it that at the same time I ordered you to go aloft, and attend to your duty, instead of talking non- sense on the quarter-deck; and, although, as you say, you and I cannot recollect it, if you did not obey that order instantaneously, I also put you in confinement, and obliged you to leave the ship as soon as she returned to port. Do you understand me, sir ? " " T rather think, sir," replied the carpenter, humbly touching his hat, and walking to the main rigging, " that no such thing took place, for I went up immediately, as I do now; and," continued the carpenter, who was in- curable, as he ascended the rigging, " as I shall again in another 27,672 years." '' That man is incorrigible with his con- founded nonsense," observed the captain to the first lieutenant. " Every mast in the ship would go over the side, provided he can get any one to listen to his ridiculous theory." PETER SIMPLE. 295 " He is not a bad carpenter, sir," replied the first lieutenant. " He is not," rejoined the captain ; " but there is a time for all things." o Just at this moment, the boatswain came down the rigging. " Well, Mr. Chucks, what do you think of the yard ? Must we shift it .? "" inquired the captain. "At present, Captain Savage," replied the boatswain, " I consider it to be in a state which may be called precarious, and not at all perma- nent; but, with a little human exertion, four fathom of three inch, and half-a-dozen tenpenny - nails, it may last, for all I know, until it is time for it to be sprung again." " I do not understand you, Mr. Chucks. I know no time when a yard ought to be sprung." " I did not refer to our time, sir," replied the boatswain, " but to the 27,672 years of Mr. Muddle, when ^" " Go forward immediately, sir, and attend to your duty," cried the captain, in a very angry voice ; and then he said to the first lieutenant. 296 PETER SIMPLE. " I believe the warrant officers are going mad. Who ever heard a boatswain use such language — ' precarious and not at all permanent ? ' His stay in the ship will become so, if he does not mind what he is about." " He is a very odd character, sir," replied the first lieutenant ; *' but I have no hesitation in saying, that he is the best boatswain in his majesty's service." " I believe so too," replied the captain ; '' but — well, every one has his faults. Mr. Simple, what are you about, sir?" " I was listening to what you said," replied I, touching my hat. " I admire your candour, sir," replied he, '' but advise you to discontinue the practice. Walk over to leeward, sir, and attend to your duty." When I was on the other side of the deck, I looked round, and saw the captain and first lieutenant both laughing. PETER SIMPLE. 297 CHAPTER XVIII. I go away on service^ am wounded and taken prisoner with O'Brien — Diamond cut diamond between the O'Briens — Get into comfortable quarters — My first interview with Celeste. And now I have to narrate an event, which, young as I was at the time, will be found to have seriously affected me in after life. How little do we know what to-morrow may bring forth ! We had regained our station, and for some days had been standing off and on the coast, when one morning at day break, we found ourselves about four miles from the town of Cette, and a large convoy of vessels coming round a point. We made all sail in chase, and they anchored close in- shore, under a battery, which we did not discover until it opened fire o5 298 PETER SIMPLE. upon US. The shot struck the frigate two or three times, for the water was smooth, and the battery nearly level with it. The captain tacked the ship, and stood out again, until the boats were hoisted out, and all ready to pull on shore and storm the battery. O'Brien, who was the officer commanding the first cutter on service, was in his boat, and I again ob- tained permission from him to smuggle myself into it. " Now, Peter, let's see what kind of a fish you'll bring on board this time," said he, after we had shoved off; " or may be, the fish will not let you off quite so easy."" The men in the boat all laughed at this, and I replied, " that I must be more seriously wounded than I was last time, to be made a prisoner.'" We ran on shore, amidst the fire of the gun-boats, who pro- tected the convoy, by which we lost three men, and made for the battery, which we took with- out opposition, the French artillery-men run- ning out, as we ran in. The directions of the captain were very positive, not to remain in the battery a minute after it was taken, but to PETER SIMPLE. 299 board the gun-boats, leaving only one of the small boats, with the armourer to spike the guns, for the captain was aware that there were troops stationed along the coast, who might come down upon us, and beat us off. The first lieutenant, who commanded, desired O'Brien to remain with the first cutter, and after the ar- mourer had spiked the guns, as officer of the boat he was to shove off immediately. O'Brien and I remained in the battery with the ar- mourer, the boat's crew being ordered down to the boat, to keep her afloat, and ready to shove off at a moment's warning. We had spiked all the guns but one, when all of a sudden a volley of musketry was poured upon us, which killed the armourer, and wounded me in the leg above the knee, I fell down by O'Brien, who cried out, " By the powers, here they are, and one gun not spiked." He jumped down, wrenched the hammer from the armourer's hand, and seizing a nail from the bag, in a few moments he had spiked the gun. At this time I heard the tramping of the. French soldiers advancing, when O'Brien threw away the 300 PETER SIMPLE. hammer, and lifting me upon his shoulders, cried, " Come along, Peter, my boy," and made for the boat as fast as he could; but he was too late : he had not got half way to the boat, before he was collared by two French soldiers, and dragged back into the battery. The French troops then advanced, and kept up a smart fire ; our cutter escaped, and joined the other boats, who had captured the gun-boats and convoy with little opposition. Our large boats had carronades mounted in their bows, and soon returned the fire with round and grape, which drove the French troops back into the battery, where they remained, popping at our men under cover, until most of the vessels were taken out : those which they could not man were burnt. In the mean time, O'Brien had been taken into the battery, with me on his back ; but as soon as he was there, he laid me gently down, saying, " Peter, my boy, as long as you were under my charge, I'd carry you through thick and thin, but now that you are under the charge of these French beggars, why let them carry you. Every man his own PETER SIMPLE. 301 bundle, Peter, thafs fair play ; so, if they think you're worth the carrying, let them bear the weight of ye." " And suppose that they do not, O'Brien, will you leave me here ?" *' Will I lave you, Peter ! not if I can help it, my boy; but they won't leave you, never fear them ; prisoners are so scarce with them, that they would not leave the captain's monkey, if he were taken." As soon as our boats were clear of their musketry, the commanding officer of the French troops examined the guns in the battery, with the hope of reaching them, and was very much annoyed to find that every one of them was spiked. " He'll look sharper than a magpie before he finds a clear touchhole, I expect," said O'Brien, as he watched the officer. And here I must observe, that O'Brien showed great presence of mind in spiking the last gun ; for, had they had one gun to fire at our boats towing out the prizes, they must have done a great deal of mischief to them, and we should have lost a great many men ; but in so doing, 302 PETER SIMPLE. and in the attempt to save me, he sacrificed him- self, and was taken prisoner. When the troops ceased firing, the commanding officer came up to O'Brien, and looking at him, said, " Officer ?"" to which O'Brien nodded his head. He then pointed to me — " Officer ?" O'Brien nodded his head again, at which the French troops laughed, as O'Brien told me afterwards, be- cause I was what they called an enfant, which means an infant. I was very stiff, and faint, and could not walk. The officer who com- manded the troops left a detachment in the battery, and prepared to return to Cette, from whence they came. O'Brien walked, and I was carried on three muskets by six of the French soldiers — not a very pleasant conveyance at any time, but in my state excessively painful. However, I must say, that they were very kind to me, and put a great coat or something under my wounded leg, for I was in an agony, and fainted several times. At last they brought me some water to drink. O how delicious it was ! I have often thought since, when I have been in company, where people fond of good PETER SIMPLE. 303 living have smacked their lips at their claret, that if they could only be wounded, and taste a cup of water, they would then know what it was to feel a beverage grateful. In about an hour and a half, which appeared to me to be five days at the least, we arrived at the town of Cette, and I was taken up to the house of the officer who com- manded the troops, and who had often looked at me as I was carried there from the battery, saying, " Pauvre enfantT I was put on a bed, where I again fainted away. When I came to my senses, I found a surgeon had ban- daged my leg, and that I had been undressed. O'Brien was standing by me, and I believe that he had been crying, for he thought that I was dead. When I looked him in the face, he said, " Pater, you baste, how you frightened me ; bad luck to me if ever I take charge of another youngster. What did you sham dead for.?" " I am better now, 0"'Brien,'" replied I ; " how much I am indebted to you ; you have been made prisoner in trying to save me." " I have been made prisoner in doing my 304? PETER SIMPLE. duty, in one shape or another. If that fool of an armourer hadn't held his hammer so tight, after he was dead, and it was of no use to him, I should have been clear enough, and so would you have been ! but, however, all this is nothing at all, Peter; as far as I can see, the life of a man consists in getting into scrapes, and getting out of them. By the blessing of God, we've managed the first, and by the blessing of God we'll manage the second also ; so be smart, my honey, and get well, for, although a man may escape by running away on two legs, I never heard of a boy who hopped out of a French prison upon one." I squeezed the offered hand of O'Brien, and looked round me ; the surgeon stood at one side of the bed, and the officer who commanded the troops at the other. At the head of the bed, was a httle girl, about twelve years old, who held a cup in her hand, out of which something had been poured down my throat. I looked at her, and she had such pity in her face, which was remarkably handsome, that she appeared to me as an angel, and I turned round PETER SIMPLE. 305 as well as I could, that I might look at her alone. She offered me the cup, which I should have refused from any one but her, and I drank a little. Another person then came into the room, and a conversation took place in French. •' I wonder what they mean to do with us,"" said I to O'Brien. " Whist, hold your tongue," replied he ; and then he leaned over me, and said in a whisper, " I understand all they say ; don't you recollect, I told you that I learnt the language after I was kilt and buried in the sand, in South America?" After a little more conversation, the officer and the others retired, leaving no- body but the little girl and O'Brien in the room. '' It's a message from the governor," said O'Brien, as soon as they were gone, " wishing the prisoners to be sent to the gaol in the citadel, to be examined ; and the officer says, (and he's a real gentleman, as far as I can judge,) that you're but a baby, and badly wounded in the bargain, and that it would be a shame not to leave you to die in peace ; so I 306 PETEK SIMPLE. presume, that I'll part company from you very soon." " I hope not, O'Brien," replied I ; "if you go to prison, I will go also, for I will not leave you, who are my best friend, to remain with strangers; I should not be half so happy, although I might have more ^comforts in my present situation."" " Pater, my boy, I am glad to see that your heart is in the right place, as P always thought it was, or I wouldn't have taken you under my protection. We'll go together to prison, my jewel, and I'll fish at the bars with a bag and a long string, just by way of recreation, and to pick up a little money to buy you all manner of nice things ; and when you get well, you shall do it yourself, mayhap youll have better luck, as Peter your namesake had, who was a fisherman, before you. There's twice as much room in one of the cells, as there is in a midshipman's berth, my boy ; and the prison yards, where you are allowed to walk, will make a dozen quarter decks, and no need PETER SIMPLE. 307 of touching your hat out of respect when you go into it. When a man has been cramped up on board of a man of war, where midshipmen are stowed away like pilchards in a cask, he finds himself quite at liberty in a prison, Peter. But somehow or another, I think we mayn't be parted yet, for I heard the officer, (who appears to be a real gentleman, and worthy to have been an Irishman born,) say to the other, that he''d ask the governor for me to stay with you on parole, until you are well again." The little girl handed me the lemonade, of which I drank a little, and then I felt very faint again. I laid my head on the pillow, and O'Brien having left off talking, I was soon in a comfort- able sleep. In an hour I was awakened by the return of the officer, who was accompanied by the surgeon. The officer addressed O'Brien in French, who shook his head as before. " Why don't you answer, O'Brien," said I, " since you understand him ?'''* " Peter, recollect that I cannot speak a word of their lingo ; then I shall know what they 308 PETER SIMPLE. say before us, ami they won't mind what they say, supposing I do not understand them." '' But is that honest, O'Brien V " Is it honest you mean ? if I had a five pound note in my pocket, and don't choose to show it to every fellow that I meet— is that dishonest .^" " To be sure it's not." "• And a'n't that what the lawyers call a case in pint .'^" " Well," replied I, " if you wish it, I shall of course say nothing ; but I think that I should tell them, especially as they are so kind to us." During this conversation, the officer occa- sionally spoke to the surgeon, at the same time eyeing us, I thought very hard. Two other persons then came into the room ; one of them addressed O'Brien in very bad English, saying, that he was interpreter, and would beg him to answer a few questions. He then inquired the name of our ship, number of guns, and how long we had been cruising. FETER SIMPLE. 309 After that, the force of the English fleet, and a great many other questions relative to them ; all of which were put in French by the person who came with him, and the answers translated, and taken down in a book. Some of the ques- tions O'Brien answered correctly, to others he pleaded ignorance; and to some, he asserted what was not true. But I did not blame him for that, as it was his duty not to give infor- mation to the enemy. At last they asked my name, and rank, which O'Brien told them. "Was I noble.?" *« Yes," replied O'Brien. " Don't say so, O'Brien," interrupted I. " Peter, you know nothing about it, you are grandson to a lord." " I know that, but still I am not noble my- self, although descended from him ; therefore pray don't say so." " Bother ! Pater, I have said it, and I won't unsay it ; besides, Pater, recollect it's a French (|uestion, and in France you would be con- sidered noble. At all events, it can do no harm." 310 PETER SIMPLE. " I feel too ill to talk, O'Brien ; but I wish you had not said so." They then inquired O'Erien's name, which he told them ; his rank in the service, and also, whether he was noble. " I am an O'Brien," replied he ; " and pray what's the meaning of the O before my name, if I'm not noble ? however, Mr. Interpreter, you may add, that we have dropped our title because it's not convenient." The French officer burst out into a loud laugh, which surprised us very much. The interpreter had great dif- ficulty in explaining what O'Brien said ; but as O'Brien told me afterwards, the answer was put down doubtful. They all left the room except the officer, who then, to our astonishment, addressed us in good English, " Gentlemen, I have obtained permis- sion from the governor for you to remain in my house, until Mr. Simple is recovered. Mr. O'Brien, it is necessary that I should receive your parole of honour, that you will not at- tempt to escape. Are you willing to give it." O'Brien was quite amazed ; " murder an' PETER SIMPLE. 311 Irish," cried he ; " so you speak English, colonel. It was not very genteel of you not to say so, considering how we've been talking our little secrets together." " Certainly, Mr. O'Brien, not more necessary," replied the officer, smiling, '* than for you to tell me that you understood French." " O bother ;" cried O'Brien, " how nicely I'm caught in my own trap ! You're an Irish- man, sure.''" " I'm of Irish descent," replied the officer, " and my name, as well as yours, is O'Brien. I was brought up in this country, not being permitted to serve my own, and retain the religion of my forefathers. I may now be con- sidered as a Frenchman, retaining nothing of my original country, except the language, which my mother taught me, and a warm feeling towards the English wherever I meet them. But to the question, Mr. O'Brien, will you give your parole .^" " The word of an Irishman, and the hand to boot," replied O'Brien, shaking the colonel by the hand ; " and you're more than doubly sure, 312 PETER SIMPLE. for I'll never go away and leave little Peter here ; and as for carrying him on my back, I've had enough of that already." "• It is sufficient,"" replied the colonel. " Mr. O'Brien, I will make you as comfortable as I can ; and when you are tired of attending your friend, my little daughter shall take your place. You'll find her a kind little nurse, Mr. Simple.""* I could not refrain from tears at the colonePs kindness; he shook me by the hand, and telling O'Brien that dinner was ready, he called up his daughter, the little girl who had attended me before, and desired her to remain in the room. " Celeste," said he, " you understand a little English ; quite enoug-h to find out what he is in want of Go and fetch your work, to amuse yourself when he is asleep." Celeste went out, and returning with her embroidery, sat down by the head of the bed : the colonel and O^Brien then quitted the room. Celeste then commenced her em- broidery, and as her eyes were cast down upon her work, I was able to look at her without her observing it. As I said before, she was a PETER SIMPLE. 313 very beautiful little girl; her hair was light brown, eyes very large, and eyebrows drawn/ as if with a pair of compasses ; her nose and mouth were also very pretty; but it was not so much her features, as the expression of her counte- nance, which was so beautiful, so modest, so sweet, and so intelligent. When she smiled, which she almost always did when she spoke, her teeth were like two rows of little ])earls. I had not looked at her long, before she raised her eyes from her work, and perceiving that I was looking at her, said, " You want — something — want drink — I speak very little English." " Nothing, I thank ye," replied I : " I only want to go to sleep." " Then — shut — your eye," replied she smil- ing; and she went to the window, and drew down the blinds to darken the room. But I could not sleep; the remembrance of what had occurred — in a few hours wounded, and a prisoner — the thought of my father's and mo- ther's anxiety ; with the prospect of going to a prison and close confinement, as soon as I was re- VOL. I. p 314 PETER SIMPLE. covered, passed in succession in my mind, and, together with the actual pain of my wound, prevented me from obtaining any rest. The little girl several times opened the curtain to as- certain whether I slept or wanted any things and then as softly retired. In the evening, the surgeon called again ; he felt my pulse, and di- recting cold applications to my leg, which had swelled considerably, and was becoming very painful, told Colonel O'Brien, that, although I had considerable fever, I was doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances. But I shall not dwell upon my severe sufferings for a fortnight, after which the ball was ex- tracted; nor upon how carefully I was watched by O'Brien, the colonel, and little Celeste, duringmy peevishness and irritation, arising from pain and fever. I felt grateful to them, but particularly to Celeste, who seldom quitted me for more than half an hour ; and, as I gradually reco- vered, tried all she could to amuse me. PETER SIMPLE. 315 CHAPTER XIX. We remove to very unpleasant quarters — Birds of a feather won't always flock together — O'Brien cuts a cutter midshipman, and gets a taste of French steel — Altogether yiat work — A walk into the in- terior. As soon as I was well enough to attend to my little nurse, we became very intimate, as might be ex pected. Our chief employment was teaching each other French and English. Having the advantage of me in knowing a little before we met, and also being much quicker of apprehension, she very soon began to speak English fluently, long before I could make out a short sentence in French. However, as it was our chief employment, and both were anxious to communicate with each other, I learnt it very fast. In five weeks I was out of bed, and could limp about the p2 316 PETER SIMPLE. room ; and before two months were over, I was quite recovered. The colonel, however, would not report me to the governor ; I remained on a sofa during the day, but at dusk, I stole out of the house, and walked about with Celeste. I never passed such a happy time as the last fortnight; the only drawback was the remem- brance that I should soon have to exchange it for a prison. I was more easy about my father and mother, as O'Brien had written to them, assuring them that T was doing well ; and be- sides, a few days after our capture, the frigate had run in, and sent a flag of truce to inquire if we were alive or made prisoners ; at the same time Captain Savage sent on shore all our clothes, and two hundred dollars in cash for our use. I knew that even if O'Brien's letter did not reach them, they were sure to hear from Captain Savage that I was doing well. But the idea of parting with Celeste, towards whom I felt such gratitude and affection was most painful ; and when I talked about it, poor Ce- leste would cry so much, that I could not help joining her, although I kissed away her tears. PETER SIMPLE. 317 At the end of twelve weeks, the surgeon could no longer withhold his report, and we were ordered to be ready in two days to inarch to Toulon, where we were to join another party of prisoners, to proceed with them into the interior. I must pass over our parting, which the reader may imagine was very painful. T promised to write to Celeste, and she promised that she would answer my letters, if it were permitted. We shook hands with Colonel O'Brien, thank- ing him for his kindness, and, much to his re- gret, we were taken in charge by two French cuirassiers, who were waiting at the door. As we preferred being continued on parole until our arrival at Toulon, the soldiers were not at all particular about watching us; and we set off on horseback, O'Brien and I going first, and the French cuirassiers following us in the rear. We trotted, or walked, along the road very comfortably. The weather was delightful ; we were in high spirits, and almost forgot that we were prisoners. The cuirassiers followed us at a distance of twenty yards, conversing with each 318 PETER SIMPLE. Other, and O'Brien observed, that it was amaz- ingly genteel of the French governor to provide us with two servants in such handsome liveries. The evening of the second day we arrived at Toulon, and as soon as we entered the gates, we were delivered into the custody of an officer, with a very sinister cast of countenance, who, after some conversation with the cuirassiers, told us in a surly tone that our parole was at an end, and gave us in charge of a corporal's guard, with directions to conduct us to the prison near the Arsenal. We presented the cuirassiers with four dollars each, for their civi- lity, and were then hurried away to our place of captivity. I observed to O'Brien, that I was afraid that we must now bid farewell to any thing like pleasure. " You're right there, Peter," replied he ; " but there's a certain jewel called Hope, that somebody found at the bottom of his chest, when it was clean empty, and so we must not lose sight of it, but try and escape as soon as we can ; but the less we talk about it the better." In a few minutes we arrived at our destination, the door was opened, ourselves PETER SIMPLE. 319 and our bundles (for we had only selected a few things for our march, the colonel promising to forward the remainder as soon as we wrote to inform him to which depot we were consigned) were rudely shoved in ; and as the doors again closed, and the heavy bolts were shot, I felt a creeping, chilly sensation pass through my whole body. As soon as we could see — for although the prison was not very dark, yet so suddenly thrown in, after the glare of a bright sun-shiny day, at first we could distinguish nothing — we found ourselves in company with about thirty English sailors. Most of them were sitting down on the pavement, or on boxes, or bundles containing their clothes that they had secured, conversing with each other, or playing at cards or draughts. Our entrance appeared to excite little attention ; after having raised their eyes to indulge their curiosity, they continued their pursuits. I have often thought what a feeling of selfishness appeared to pervade through the whole of them. At the time I was shocked, as I expected immediate sympathy and commisera- 320 PETER SIMPLE. tion; but afterwards I was not surprised. Many of these poor fellows had been months in the prison, and a short confinement will produce that indifference to the misfortunes of others, which I then observed. Indeed, one man, who was playing at cards, looked up for a moment as we came in, and cried out, " Hurrah, my lads ! the more the merrier," as if he really was pleased to find that there were others who were as unfortunate as himself. We stood looking at the groups for about ten minutes, when O'Brien observed, " that we might as well come to an anchor, foul ground being better than no bottom ;"" so we sat down in a corner, upon our bundles, where we remained for more than an hour, surveying the scene, without speaking a word to each other. I could not speak — I felt so very miserable. I thought of my father and mother in England, of my captain and my messmates, who were sailing about so happily in the frigate, of the kind Colonel O'Brien, and dear little Celeste, and the tears trickled down my cheeks as these scenes of former happiness passed through my mind in TETER SIMPLE. 321 quick succession. O'Brien did not speak but once, and then he only said, '* This is dull work, Peter." We had been in the prison about two hours, when a lad in a very 'greasy, ragged jacket, with a pale emaciated face, came up to us, and said, " I perceive by your uniforms that you are both officers, as well as myself."" O'Brien stared at him for a little while, and then answered, " Upon my soul and honour, then, youVe the advantage of us, for it's more than I could perceive in you; but I'll take your word for it. Pray what ship may have had the misfortune of losing such a credit to the service .?" <« Why, I belonged to the Snapper cutter," replied the young lad ; " I was taken in a prize, which the commanding officer had given in my charge to take to Gibraltar; but they won't believe that I'm an officer. I have applied for officer's allowance and rations, and they won't give them to me." " Well, but they know that we are officers," PETER SIMPLE. replied O'Brien ; " why do they shove us in here, with the common seamen ?" " I suppose you are only put in here for the present," replied the cutter's midshipman ; " but why, I cannot tell." Nor could we, until afterwards, when we found out, as our narrative will show, that the officer who received us from the cuirassiers, had once quarrelled with Colonel O'Brien, who first pulled his nose, and afterwards ran him through the body. Being told by the cuiras- siers that we were much esteemed by Colonel O'Brien, he resolved to annoy us as much as he could ; and when he sent up the document announcing our arrival, he left out the word " Officers," and put us in confinement with the common seamen. " It's very hard upon me not to have my regular allowance as an officer," continued the midshipman. " They only give me a black loaf and three sous a day. If I had had my best uniform on, they never would have disputed my being an officer ; but the scoundrels who re-took the prize, stole all PETER SIMPLE. 323 my traps, and I have nothing but this old jacket." " Why, then," replied O'Brien, " you'll know the value of dress for the future. You cutter and gun-brig midshipmen go about in such a dirty state, that you are hardly acknow- ledged by us who belong to frigates, to be officers, much less gentlemen. You look so dirty and so slovenly when we pass you in the dock-yard, that we give you a wide berth ; how then can you suppose strangers to believe that you are either officers or gentlemen ? Upon my conscience, I absolve the Frenchmen from all prejudice, for, as to your being an officer, we, as Englishmen, have nothing but your bare word for it.*" " Well, it's very hard," replied the lad, " to be attacked this way by a brother officer ; your coat will be as shabby as mine, before you have been here long." " That's very true, my darling," returned O'Brien ; " but at least I shall have the pleasant reflection that I came in as a gentleman, al- though I may not exactly go out under the 324 PETER SIMPLE. same appearance. Good night, and pleasant dreams to you .?" I thought O'Brien rather cross in speaking in such a way, but he was himself always as remarkably neat and well dressed, as he was handsome and well made. Fortunately we were not destined to remain long in this detestable hole. After a night of misery, during which we remained sitting on our bundles, and sleeping how we could, leaning with our backs against the damp wall, we were roused at day-break by the unbarring of the prison doors, followed up with an order to go into the prison yard. We were huddled out like a flock of sheep, by a file of soldiers with loaded muskets ; and, as we went into the yard, were ranged two and two. The same officer who ordered us into prison, commanded the detachment of soldiers who had us in charge. O'Brien stepped out of the ranks, and, addressing them, stated that we were offi- cers, and had no right to be treated like com- mon sailors. The French officer replied, that he had better information, and that we wore coats which did not belong to us ; upon which PETER SIMPLE. 325 CBrien was in a great rage, calling the officer a liar, and demanding satisfaction for the insult, appealing to the French soldiers, and stating, that Colonel O'Brien, who was at Cette, was his countryman, and had received him for two months into his house upon parole, which was quite sufficient to establish his being an officer. The French soldiers appeared to side with O'Brien after they had heard this explana- tion, stating, that no common English sailor could speak such good French, and that they were present when we were sent in on parole, they asked the officer whether he intended to give satisfaction. The officer stormed, and drawing his sword out of the scabbard, struck O'Brien with the flat of the blade, looking at him with contempt, and ordering him into the ranks. I could not help observing that, during this scene, the men-of-war sailors who were among the prisoners, were very indignant, while, on the contrary, those captured in mer- chant vessels appeared to be pleased at the insult offered to O'Brien. One of the French soldiers then made a sarcastic remark, that the 326 PETER SIMPLE. French officer did not much like the name of O'Brien. This so enraged the officer, that he flew at O'Brien, pushed him back into the ranks, and taking out a pistol, threatened to shoot him through the head. I must do the justice to the French soldiers, that they all cried out ' shame.' They did not appear to have the same discipline, or the same respect for an officer, as the soldiers have in our service, or they would not have been so free in their language ; yet, at the same time, they obeyed all his orders on service very implicitly. When O'Brien returned to the ranks, he looked defiance at the officer, telling him, " That he would pocket the affront very care- fully, as he intended to bring it out again upon a future and more suitable occasion." We were then marched out in ranks, two and two, being met at the street by two drummers, and a crowd of people, who had gathered to witness our departure. The drums beat, and away w^e went. The officer who had charge of us, mounted a small horse, galloping up and down from one end of the ranks to the other, with PETER SIMPLE. 327 his sword drawn, bullying, swearing, and striking with the flat of the blade at any one of the prisoners who was not in his proper place. When we were close to the gates, we were joined by another detachment of prisoners ; we were then ordered to halt, and were in- formed, through an interpreter, that any one attempting to escape would immediately be shot, after which information we once more proceeded on our route. Nothing remarkable occurred during our first day's march, except perhaps a curious conver- sation between O'Brien and one of the French soldiers, in which they disputed about the com- parative bravery of the two nations. O'Brien, in his argument, told the Frenchman that his countrymen could not stand a charge of English bayonets. The Frenchman replied that there was no doubt but the French were quite as brave as the English — even more so ; and that, as for not standing the charge of bayonets, it was not because they were less brave, but the fact was, that they were most excessively ticklish. We had black bread and sour wine 328 PETER SIMPLE. served out to us this day, ^vhen we halted to refresh. O'Brien persuaded a soldier to pur- chase something for us more eatable ; but the French officer heard of it, and was very angry, ordering the soldier to the rear. END OF VOL. I. LONDON: IKOTSON AND PAIMER, PRINTERS, SAVOY STREET, STRAND.