Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2017 with funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign Alternates 
 
 https://archive.org/details/sorrowsofwerteraOOgart 
 
,AR'v.- • . .. : 
 
 .SUBSTITUTE PAPERS . 
 
 THE 
 
 O. GARTH, JR. 
 
 OF LYNCHBURG VA . 
 
 PUBLISHED BY THE LAUGHING STOCK .CO. ATTHE 
 
 ANTI-CONSCRIPT OFFICE 
 
 . COLUMBIA S.C. 
 
 • 
 
 Our hero, Washington Wellington Werter, Esq., proceeds to f* imbibe/ 1 
 and discourse with his friends upon the u duties of the hour,’* u Secessia expects 
 every man to do his duty”—“ 'T is sweet to die for one’s country”— 4 How sleep the 
 brave winV/' &c .— u The most precious tears are those with which heaven bedews the 
 uuburied head of the soldier ”— 1u Give me liberty, or give me death.” 
 
 V. S.—Mr. W. *‘has a substitute in,” 
 
Scene—Home. Time—a few days after. Mr. W., witli mingled emotions of 
 ?age and despair, reads an .account of the passage of the anti-substitute law- Impas¬ 
 sioned soliloquy ensues: “ Unconstitutional ”— u Habeas corpus ”—“ Military despo¬ 
 tism Civil liberty ostracised”—■“ Violation of a solemn, explicit contract”— 
 J< Treachery in the councils of the Confederacy “ Will never submit to it, no, 
 se?eM-r-r!” ; 
 
FI. Ill 
 
 9 7 3; 7? 
 
 u* ' 7 S 
 
 Our hero-vents his spleen upon the ambient air—his rage efervesces harmlessly v 
 Grown calmer, ho proceeds gravely to scratch Jus heath ' he unfailing resource of th^ 
 troubled. Being fertile in expedients, he is not long in doubt as to the proper 
 course for a well-disposed, peaceable citizen to pursue 
 
 U/iiRSIJY OF * 
 
 ' | t 'U-Wts IJdPAfw 
 
 u 
 
PI IV 
 
 Thereupon a happy thought strikes him. il How strange that it did not occur 
 to him before!” The very ticket. “He Ml do it forthwith !” “Will apply imme¬ 
 diately. so as to be ahead of ail others u Weeping may endure foi* a night, but 
 ioy cometh in the morning.” Whistles with energy and spirit “ Bonnie Blue Flag.” 
 
PI. VJ1. 
 
 Our hero walks the street for relief—according to Victor Hugo, the universal 
 report of the distressed Takes up the suggestion ot his friend, looks at »t from 
 rvory possible standpoint, aud concludes' that, under the pressure of a military 
 necessity, he will (t change his base/' 
 
 / 
 
Home again. Hits upon the happy expedient of resurrecting 
 his old rheumatism. Seeks relief from the “cankering cares” of 
 the day in “the balm of hurt minds” and an ounce of paregoric. 
 
 Pl.vm. 
 
PL IX. 
 
 --xt 
 
 :/m , 
 
 Visions of glory visit him in the “horrid middle of the night, " 
 
' 
 
 pi.k. 
 
 Doctor Pastor Hoyle diagnoses the case, and pronounces it a case of legitis, 
 complicated with aggravated conscript is officinalis. Prescribes the pleasant anodyne 
 of perfect quiet arid permanent (no such word in the conscript vocabulary) exemp¬ 
 tion from military service. The unapproachable disciple of Esculapius promises to 
 appear before the Board” and certify to-almost anything. 
 
BEFORE THE BOARD. 
 
 r 
 
 pi.mi 
 
 W. Wellington Werter, Esq., is astonished that the numerous and volura 
 inous certificates of his medical friends avail him nothing with the President, who 
 examines them attentively, and then “ lays them.on the table.” His chest was then 
 furiously “ percussed,” to ascertain whether he was solid* or hollow inside. Did he 
 “cut his toe-nails of a Sunday?” had any of his family or relatives ever died from 
 “lack of breath,” or “any other cause?” The President congratulated him on bein^ 
 a sound man, and fit for the field. The sleepy official at the table suspends 'his pipe 
 to record opposite our hero’s name on the lists “I. F. W.” “He ’ll do—good egg” 
 and other stenographic expressions of his fitness for service. Has ten minutes fin- 
 lough to get ready to leave. 
 
PL VJX. 
 
 7 
 
 Affecting parting with his Betsey Ann and the little one, 
 “ Parting is such sweet sorrow/’ &c> 
 
 % 
 
pair. 
 
 
 FURLOUGH EXPIRED, 
 
 He hastens to the rendezvous in time to leave for camp 
 
PL XYL 
 
 /'?) 
 ( f j 
 
 u , 
 
 u 
 
 “WHEN THIS CRUEL WAR IS OYER. 1 ’