I A / LADIES AT HOME; OR, ©nttlnnen, tot tan tio tottlmit pou. , \ A FEMALE INTERLUDE, \ . W ' ' IN ONE ACT. BY THE AUTHOR OF THE “ BEE HIVE.’ LONDON: ■ f \ ■ ■ ' PUBLISHED BY C. CHAPPLE, ROYAL SUBSCRIPTION - CIRCULATING LIBRARY, 66, PALL-MALL. I ’ \ Price One Shilling and Sixpence, 18111. <" I h : . • * • 0 j • • % » Dramatic Works, published by C. Chappie, 66, Pall-Mall . A CHIP OF THE OLD BLOCK ; or, the Village Festival; a Musical Farce, in two acts, by E. P. Knight, Comedian, Svo. price 2s. A WEST WIND ; or. Off for London 3 in two acts; by Wm. Wastell, Esq. 8vo. price 2s. ANTIQUITY 3 a Farce, in two acts, by Barron Field, Esq. Svo, price 2 s. AT HOME 3 a Farce, with Music, in two acts, 8vo. price 2s. BOARDING HOUSE 3 or, Five Hours at Brighton 3 a Mu¬ sical Farce, in two acts, by Samuel Beazley , jun. Fourth Edi¬ tion. Svo. price 2 s. CROTCHET LODGE ; a Farce, (with new Songs by the Author), in two acts, by Thomas Hurlstone, Esq Fourth Edition, Svo. price 2 s. 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Second Edi¬ tion, 8vo. price 2s. REFORMATION ; a Comic Interlude, by J. B. Pulliam, Svo. price Is. 6d. SHARP AND FLAT ; a Musical Farce by D. Lawler, Esq. 8vo. price 2s. 6d, RICHARD JONES, Esq. OF THE Theatres Royal, Covent-Garden , and Hay-Market. • V # r. Nr $ •: t* As a token of the sincerest esteem and regard, This Trifle is inscribed by his Friend, t ' i ’ ' • THE AUTHOR. PREFACE. / jm THE Author owes the plot of the following' trifle, to a French Opera in two acts, called tC La Jeum Prude ;'—how far it is a translation, as has been gra¬ tuitously asserted, the candid reader of both, will best be able to decide, Although another piece drawn from the same source, was brought out at the English Opera-House the night before this interlude was performed—‘it met with a success which exceeded the Author’s most sanguine expectations. He can only attribute this good fortune to the indul¬ gence of the public; and, to the excellent performance, and kind exertions, of the Ladies of the Hay-Market Theatre. He cannot find words adequate tc thank them—the applause they received was more eloquent than any praise his feeble pen can trace—he can % only add, that he ever will bear in grateful remem¬ brance, the interest they all appeared to take in the welfare of this little production. I PREFACE. Yet, in justice to his feelings, he cannot let this public opportunity escape, without expressing his ob¬ ligations to Miss E. Blanchard, who played the part of Lady Lucretia, after the third night, under the most trying circumstances; when it was impossible that she could have been perfect.* In this arduous under¬ taking, this young lady betrayed an anxious emotion, which must have convinced the audience (who seemed l to sympathise in her embarassment) that she possessed that real sensibility, and acute feeling, which art, in vain, will attempt to imitate, and which, must lead the lovers of the Drama, to look upon her as one of the most promising ornaments of the British Stage. * Miss E. Blanchard, had only received the part the pre- cedii g day, and had but once rehearsed it in the morning. ' - \ / I Bnunatte ^ersionae Lady Antidote, Lady Lueretia, \ Mrs . Banter , Miss Laura , .. Mrs. Lenient, y Miss Prim, ., Miss Buckram, Jenny, . Mrs. Davenport. Mrs. Gibbs. Mrs. Edwin. Miss* Beaumont. Mrs. Connor. Mrs. Kendall. Mrs. Liston. Mrs. T. Hill. Scene .—d Country-house of Lady Antidote . The Lines in inverted Comma's e thus/ were omitted inRepre sentation. i I I \ LADIES AT HOME. SCENE I.— A Room at Lady Antidotes. Enter Laura, r.h. Lau. I hope my aunt, and cousin, are now satis¬ fied. Not a man left in the house, or allowed to visit us, and all this, because, poor Mr. Bovilie loves me, and because, aunty says, I love him ; because, when he looks at me, I blush, and sigh: and when he does not look at me, I look at him—because—ah me !— I surely do not love him,—because—cousin says, I should not, heigho! SONG. Is it love my bosom fires ? Throbbing heart, ah quickly tell. Dreading, courting, fond desires, Thoughts, which other thoughts dispel* Love they say’s the source of pleasure. If’tis true—then why this pain ? Yet tho’ painful, ’tis my treasure, Still tho’ dreaded, flight is vain. What folks say, there’s no believing, The fond youth, I cannot love. Yet near him, my bosom’s heaving, And they say, my looks improve. W hen near him, 1 blush, 1 faulter, And I wish, he were away. Then he goes,—my wishes alter ! And I wish.—I wish he’d stay. ' Enter Mrs. Banter, r.h. Mrs. B. Well, Laura, always sighing, and sing¬ ing ome mournful ditty! your birds forgotten! your harp unstrung, your geraniums withered, your work crooked, and your dear eyes, big with the *2 LADIES AT HOME. starting tear. If these be not the symptoms of love —I’m not a widow. Lau. Love indeed ! and with whom should poor Laura be in love ? Mrs. B. I know not with whom you should be, but I know with whom you are. Come, entrust me, with all your hopes, and fears, and I promise you, dear girl, my assistance and advice. Lau. You have no doubt heard, that my aunt, and cousin, politely insisted, on Mr. Boville’s dis¬ continuing his visits. Mrs. B. I am acquainted with every particular, Lady Antidote and your prim cousin,lady Lucretia, like all prudes, would wish to condemn you to bend under the same yoke that galls them. Lau. Prudes!—what’s a prude Mrs. Banter r Mrs. B. A prude my gentle girl is a non-descript animal, reserved, when she’s young, as she dares not run after a beau, and reserved when she’s old, as no beau will run after her. v < • * Lau. That’s exactly aunty’s, and cousin’s case, they scold me, when I even look up, when there are men in company. Mrs. B. Because, men most likely, look down on them, but I am preparing for Lady Lucretia, a sa¬ lutary lesson, which I trust will cure her, of her affectation, and ensure your happiness. Lau . My dearest friend ! would you-believe it* she has ordered me not even to stir out of the room without her, and all this because Mr. Boville wrote me a letter. Mrs. B. A letter ? Lau. I presume, at least, it w r as for me, for he was going to hand it to me, w'hen cousin snapt at it, and did so abuse poor, dear, Mr. Boville ! but here she comes. Mrs. Banter do stand by me, and if she scolds, pray take my part. Mrs. B. Fear nothing, dear child; a young girl who wants a husband, and a young widow who LADIES AT HOME. S has no particular objection to try another, will al¬ ways be a match for age and prudery. Enter Lady Lucretia, r.h. Lady L. Well, Miss Laura, I hope that you have come to a proper sense of your shameful conduct. Lau. Dear cousin what have I done ( Lady L. What have you done Miss ? unparal¬ leled impudence ! Is it nothing at your age, nay, at any age, to listen to the vile adulation of that viper Man ; to receive the romantic trash his odious pen has traced ? Mrs. B. Dear me, Lady Lucretia, a young man writes a few lines to a young girl, and one would think that Church and State were in danger. Lau. I’m sure, cousin, there was nothing naughty in it. Lady. L. You are sure! and pray, Miss, who made you a judge of what’s naughty—what’s the meaning of all this ? Mrs. B. Why, my lady, the purport is clear enough, tho’ lovers, now-a-days, are not so laconic in their declarations as they should be. Nothing like simplicity, madam. I love you, and if you love me, pull the bell, and send for the parson: but, madam, if I love you, and you don’t love me, I’ll pull the bell, and send for my horse—that’s coming to the point at once. Lady L. Love you, love me!—Mrs. Banter, I entertain the highest respect for you- But, as my aunt, lady Antidote, and I, are responsible for this giddy child’s education ; we must prevent her from straying in those ways some folks find so delightful. Mrs. B. (aside.) You shall pay dearly for some folks. Lady L. Come, miss, to your room , and if ever we see you look at the men— 4 LADIES AT HOME. Lau. Why, the men, will be looking at me. Ladu L. No m re, to your room, and should your Bo die dare to approach this house, we’ll secure you in a place, inaccess ble to the temerity of hr- odious race. \JExil Laura, so ' ibirg . r.h Mr . B. I do not think, lady Lucretia, that you will fi d severity, of any use with that gentle girl. Lad L. If the auslertiy of prudence, is deem’d severity, then Mrs. Banter, am I glad to be called severe, Mrs. B. The austerity of prudence P Believe me, austere as you think yourself, I shall some day, see you in love, and disappointed. Lady L. You may answer -for your own heart, Mrs. Banter, but I cannot conceive, by what autho¬ rity, you pretend to account for the feelings of mine. Mrs. B. Nor can I conceive, by what right, your heart affects, to be made of other stuff than your neighbours. Lady L. Thank heaven, it is. Mrs. B. Suppose now, a handsome, amiable, young man.— Lady L. I hate handsome men.—In my opinion, good looks are superfluous. Mrs B. Perhaps ? but, were I marrying, I should have an eye to superfluities. Lady L. Such affected wretches ! Mrs. B. Now there’s my twin-brother, Augustus. (pointedly.) I have often heard you say, that he was charming. Lady L. I have certainly, said that—that he was good-looking, (with embarassment.) but, you know he is only a boy—a mere boy: besides, he is the very image of you, my dear Mrs. Banter, and I could not avoid transferring to him during your absence, part of that sincere affection I entertain for you :—besides, I had commenced giving him a little moral advice. I LADIES AT HOME. 5 Mrs. B. I assure you, madam, whatever you have told my young brother in your moral lessons, he talks of you so much by day, that I dare swear, he dreams of nothing else all night. Lady L, {warmly.) Dear boy ! Does he indeed r He is so interesting. What a pity it would be, were lie to fall into evil hands. Mrs. B. It would indeed. But I am surprised he is not yet here—he was so anxious to return, to avail himself of your kind admonitions. Lady L. He shall be most welcome. Mrs. B. What! altho’ a man ! Lady L. A man! nonsense, he is but a boy—a mere child! Mrs. B. He’s not so young :—we’re exactly the same age, for the same hour gave birth to us both. Lady L. I thought her at least ten years older. (Aside.) But here’s my aunt with our friends. Eater Lady Antidote, Mrs. Lenient, Miss Prim, with a lap-dog, and Miss Buckram, r.h. Lady A. My dear niece, where have you been r Miss B. You have lost a very great treat, a festi¬ val of virtue. Miss Prim, has been giving us in the Summer-house, a most elaborate lecture upon the evils of matrimony. Lady L. I left you, ladies, to have a little talk with my imprudent cousin Laura, she was so rash, as to allow a young man to write to her. ' Lady A. A man write to my niece ! I’m petrified. Miss P. Madam, you appal me ! Miss B. I’m thunderstruck ! Miss P. It is a melancholy thing, that we have not in this loose country, nunneries, to immure such slippery young people. Mrs. L. But my dear ladies, how can we prevent a young man from paying us his addresses? Miss P. Us !—not meaning me, I hope, madam. 6 LADIES AT HOME. Miss B. I should like to see one of your Dandies, paying his addresses to me. Miss P. There is a dignified manner of repelling the rude attempts of these men. Thus,—Sir, pray what do you mean ? Lady A. Or, sir, sir, I do not conceive your impertinence. Miss B. Or, sir, you labor under a miscompre¬ hension, sir. Lady A. You may laugh, ladies, but if anyone of my family, permitted the shadow of a little finger to cast an umbrage on their reputation, I would ex¬ punge their very name from the genealogy of the Antidotes. My niece shall never wed with my con¬ sent, no—never. Mrs. B. Yet, my lady Antidote, you yourself were married three times. Lady A. That, madam, was the more effectually to convince myself, of the superiority of a single life. Lady L. Perhaps, Mrs. Bantei’, approves of Laura’s having given permission to Mr. Boville. Mrs. B. My dear lady, men are apt to do what¬ ever they like, whether permitted, or not. Mrs. L. Oh ! the wretches ’ so they are. Happy the woman, who can set slander at defiance. Lady A. I defy it, madam. Miss P. So do I. Miss B. And, so do I. Lady L. Let us not, ladies, pretend to dictate to others. ‘ Some people are overjoyed, at hearing the ‘ drawing-room whisper, buz, when they are an- ‘ nounced ; others are inflated with pride, when a * titled libertine hands them to their carriage, amidst ‘ the titter of fops, and footmen. While some I £ know, who are elated in seeing the initials of their ‘ names bandied about in the filthy newspapers, as ‘ the glorious heroines of a fashionable fracas.’ I can only remark, that no female is exposed to ♦ s LADIES AT HOME. 7 calumny when by her manners shecommands respect, silences insinuations, and keeps all men at bay. ' [Exit R.H. Lady A, Do you not envy me, ladies, to have such a niece, such a paragon of super-excellence? Mrs. B. Ah ! your niece, like many others, may some day, most innocently w rithe under the fang of malice. Lady A. My niece, writhe under a fang, madam! Mrs. L. We are all open to remark. Lady A. My niece, madam, is only remarkable for her impregnable virtue. Mrs. B. No fortress is deem’d impregnable until attack’d. Lady A. Attacked madam ! lady Lucretia, is un- attackable; she would freeze a sun-beam, it it dared to shine illicitly upon her. Miss P. And so would I. Miss B. And so would I!—You quite shock me. Mrs. B. What! by saying, that nothing can secure defenceless virtue from slander! Miss P. Virtue, madam, is never defenceless, un¬ less she pleases to lay down her arms. A virtuous woman’s face, madam, should like my own, resemble the famed Medusa’s head, and petrify impertinence. Exit , R.H. L. Miss B. If one of your gay deceivers, had the au¬ dacity to look improperly on me, with one glance, I'd make him fly to the deserts of Arabia—to the deserts of Arabia, Madam. Men, I detest. Give me my pussy—my Tammy—and 1 am satisfied. SONG. Oh ! Where have you been all clay my dear Tammy? M here have you been all day my dear Tammy? With wicked eyes of yellow bright. Sparkling both by day and night. Watching o’ that young bird, just flown from its mammy. I 8 LADIES AT HOME. And where got you that young bird my dear Tammy ? Where got you that young bird my dear Tammy ? You caught it with that velvet paw. Which hides thy pretty, gentle claw. That never yet scratch’d thy mistress, dear, dear Tammy. | EXlty R.H 4 $ Lady A. Indeed, Mrs. Banter, your free mode, of thinking is quite horrific. Mrs. B. Because 1 maintain that frailty is the lot of mankind. « . * % Lady A. Mankind ! madam ! as I never meddle with matters that do not concern me, you must also permit me to withdraw. [Exit, r.h. Mrs. L. Indeed Mrs. Banter, this is too bad. Mrs. B. Depend upon it, things are bad enough, when people pretend to be too good, but now, that we are alone, I must entrust you with a plan that 1 have conceived, and am immediately going to put into execution, and Jenny shall assist us. Mrs. L. I fortunately, am neither an old maid, or a prude, and shall assist you with all my heart. ' Mrs. B. You know, my twin brother Augustus ? Mrs. L. Perfectly, the very image of you. Mrs. B. Well, availing myself of his absence, I dressed in his cloathes, and was introduced to Lady Lucretia, who, was long anxious to know him, she saw me, encouraged my frequent visits ; with all her prudery she seemed to understand pretty well the language of the eyes, and I believe, I can manage pretty well, my ocular telegraphs. She glanced, I glanced—glances brought on blushes, blushes sighs !—She played the bashful, and I was as awkward, oh, as awkward as a school boy; in taking a chair, I dropt my hat, in picking up my hat I dropt my gloves, in snatching at my gloves, I upset a chair, she laughed, down went the hat again. Then I heaved a sigh! elaborated a senti¬ mental tear in a downcast eve. In short, she soon V " LADIES AT HOME. S» L. imagined that I was smitten with her, and instead of dropping, and picking up my hat in timid em- barassment, when I percieved that I had smitten her—I clapt it on a peg. Mrs. L. Delightful! but what do you intend to do ? 3frs. B. Make her surrender, and cry for mercy, Mrs. L. That’s right, she is in your power, let your revenge be ample. Mrs. B. Ample!—I am a woman, Mrs. Lenient, and she is— a prude. [ Exeunt, l.h. SCENE II. Lady Lucrctids Chamber. A window, with a bal¬ cony, looking into a garden. To the left a clo¬ set door. In the bottom, a door, supposed to lead to the rest of the apartments. Night-lights on the Table. \ Enter Jenny, with a letter, l.h. t ' * > « Jenny. So, my mistress, has not yet retired to her chamber—where can she be, as she is above the wicked things of this world, as she calls it, I suppose she’s in the garden looking after the comet. What a monstrous terrible house to be sure, oh 1 that ever T was born to come into it. Except, a lame mes¬ senger, a deaf porter, a blind coachman, and a drunken butler, no man’s never allowed in it. My old Mistre s says that love’s all fudge—because she’s as old as Gog, and Magog—Young mistress says, that love’s ridiculous, hut I’ve seen her hide many a sly letter in her reticule. Oh, ge- mini! if I had but stayed, with sweet Miss Kitty c 10 LADIES AT HOME. Cotton, after she married that dear soldier officer, of the lancing folks. Oh,I’d now perhaps be a lancer too. None of your perriwigged pated old codgers for us, but a merry soldier, who tells us all about storming, and scaling, as how, before they batter away, all the young girls are sent out of the town, and ail the old ladies, stay at home to keep house, and receive the visitors. Ohgemini, ’tis pure work. SONG. - 4' I • • » Fair Kitty was sued by a Doctor-in-law, He wrote her a passionate brief. He said his affection was without a flaw, And pray’d at her bench for relief. He swore that his heart was confined on her writ. Licet languidus he was attach’d ; But though to his plea he made affidavit, Non-suited, he soon was dispatch’d 5 No, no Sir, no, no Sir, I can’t tell a lie. So put on your wig and good by. ~ < . . ,. A Doctor of Music next courted her smile. To play in a nuptial duetto, But tho’ con amore he sung for a while. She swore he was too allegretto, But he was Da capo and spoke spiritoso •, Till Kitty’s forte was crescendo , And flat she dismissed him with voice maestoso, And presto she sent him tremendo; No, no sir, no, no sir, I can’t tell a lie, So take up your pipes and good by. But next came a soldier, with ease and with grace. She saw, he knew how to salute ; He said will you list, or I’ll right about face, Poor Kitty now sigh’d, and was mute : Quoth he, come step out , for I cannot mark time. To the Chaplain quick march , will you come ? Our fifes, and our trumpets, the wedding shall chime > Or I’m off at the tap of'the drum : Yes, yes Sir $ Yes, yes Sir I can't tell a lie. A Soldier, I find, I must try* LADIES AT HOME. 11 Enter Lady Lucretia, r.h. Lady L. How dare you thus to prophane my re tirement with your odious vulgar songs ? Jenny. I was only— Lady L. No more : quit my chamber. Jenny. Here’s a letter, my lady, from Mrs. Ban¬ ter. She left the house all in tears—every body must crv here, when no man’s never allowed to come and laugh with us. Lady L. Impertinent hussey, quit my room. Jenny. 1 wish the house was on fire, then we should be obliged to call in some men to put it out. \_Exit Jinny, l.h. Lady L, So, Mrs. Banter is offended, (reads.) I am glad she is gone, herfree manners were insupportable, yet I hope she won’t be spiteful enough to prevent her brother coming here. Dear boy, I know not why—but when he is with me— my antipathy to his sex is not half so strong. ( A Guitar is heard under the window.) What is this—it must be that insolent Boville playing under Laura’s window. What are my gardeners,—my servants about—I’ll alarm the house. ( runs to a bell upon the table — but as she is going to ring it—singing is heard.) SONG, (without.) Dared I declare, I dearly love thee: What language could my thoughts impart ? But let my silent actions prove thee. The fond emotions of my heart. Heavens! ’tis the voice of Augustus!—Is the boy mad—at this hour of the night. (j L. Your brother, madam has been here, but uninvited by me, I cannot account for his visit. Yet his prompt, and disgraceful expulsion, from this house, must have convinced him, that what¬ ever opinion he might have formed of me, from your obliging reports, they were founded on error, if noton malice. ^ Mrs. B. This bitter attack, my lady, will com¬ pel me to give publicity, to a gentle lesson, which ▼ in charity I had reserved for your private ear. Lady L. Madam, I do not understand. Mrs'. B. My brother perhaps, w ill understand you better.—His countenance is open, candid, and honest, w hile mine is full of guile and deceit. V- Lady L: What do I hear ? Mrs. B. Your poor Augustus stands before you. (General surprise.) Lady L, You have given me a cruel lesson. Mrs. B. Friendship shall seal my lips, if you con¬ sent to this dear girl’s happiness. Lau. Dear cousin do forgive me. Lady A. She has my consent. Mrs. L. Not a word shall I reveal. Lau . And whatever, those other old ladies say, no one, will believe them. Mtss P. Impudent hussey ! Miss B. Insolent minx! I’ll forbid the bans 1 Mrs. B. Come lady Lucretia? (To Lady Lu- cretia.) let us be friends, and spite of prudery, confess that (to the Audience.) gentlemen, dear gen¬ tlemen, we cannot do without you, therefore— Lady L. Therefore, what ? Mrs. B. We hope the ladies, will be permitted, to receive you, at home—to-morrow. « V ' | % THE END. W. OXBERRY, AND CO. PRINTERS, S, WHITE-HART YARD.