L I B RARY OF THL UNIVERSITY Of ILLINOIS 823 v.l BOOKSTACKS ^^^- ^^.. )'^'^' f / Digitized by the I nterriet Archive in 2009 with funding from ^ University of Illinois Urbana-.Champaign http://www.archfve.org/details/observantpedestrO'1my.s THS OBSERVANT PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED ; OR A DONKEY TOUR TO A COMIC SENTIMENTAL NOVEL. IN THREE VOLUMES, BY THE AUTHOR OF The Mystic Cottager — Observant Pedestrian^ Mon- trose — Splendid Follies, ^-c. VOL. I. " Toar Wort is long," the Critics cry. Tis true, Aud leugthens still to take in fools like you; Shorten uiy labour, if its length you blame, Tor, grow but wise, you rob me of my game, Love c/ Payne: LONDON: FUTNTED FOR W. SIMPKIN AND R. MARSHALL, No. 4, Stationers' Court, Liidgate Street. 1815. g^3 o^'y CONTENTS VOL. I. Page. The Ass Decision - 1 The Donkey - 9 The Suspicion - - - . 14 An Itinerant Tinker - 19 The Faggot Girl - 22 The Pig Driver - . 26 Gingerbread Impudence - 33 Appearances « - - - 38 Nanny Smirk - - - - 42 The Widow's Marrowfats - 45 "^ Jacob Homespun and Little Suke - ^GattonHill - - 49 - 57 f>> The Fruit Girl - - 58 "^ The Tandem - - - - 61 The Stray Goose .. 65 ^Ihe Bang-up System - 71 ■^ The Bed Contention - 74 The Old Woman . 80 Vagrant Ellen - 84 ji . CONTENTS. The Warren er - - - - 8^ The Barouche Party - - - 92 Non-Intelligence - - - 98 The Cat Soliloquy - - •103 The Chalk Sifter - - - 107 The Thorn - - - - 110 Egg Tears .- - - - 113 The Shell-Roar - - - - 124 The Pat Family - - - - 127 The Quizzical Squad - - - 133 The Black Desert - - - 14a Old Martha Gunn - - - 144 Peppermint Drops - - - 146 The Five Non-Senses * - - 149 The Sea Sucker - - - - 150 The Zigzag Soliloquy - - - 153 Luck and no Luck - - - 15G The Pic-Nic's - - - - 164 Mr. Supple's Wig - - - 16.9 The Tickler - - - - 172 The Yellow Fish - - - - 176 The Marine Bacchus - - - 178 Pickled Salmon - - - - 100 The Wig Perplexity - - - 133 The Devil's Dyke - - - im The Mushroom Picker - - - 193 CONTENTS. Hi A Blue Devil - 190 The Three Nowpariels . 199 The Negro Boy - - 207 The Tobacco-Pouch - 212 The Beetle Hoax - - 215 Market News . 218 Library Gossip - • - - 223 The Mullet . 229 Worthing - 233 The Fish Shed - - - 234 Calcutta Intelligence - 237 Wet Ears - 239 Mince Pies and Cross Buns - 242 The Stone Slipper - 247 A Sand Airing - - - - 252 Cottage Civility - - 260 The Husbandman's Double Blessing - 262 A Green-Eyed Suggestion - 264 Questions and Commands - 267 Pearls before Swine - 269 The Executor's Present - - 276 The Bather's Story - 279 Post Office Frolics - 284 The Pye Perplexity - 287 The Night-Cap Vexation - - 290 Feterfs Marble Rod - 292 if CONTENTS. How to make Love - 39& Readiug with Stops . 300 A Brighton Buck - 303 The New Regal Hymn - - 305 The Second Edition - 308 The Pavillion - 311 The Tyrant and the Slave - 315 Watty's Jamaica Trip - ?19 Tlie Paw-Paw Story - 323 THE Observant Pedestrian MOUNTED. THE ASS DECISION. Long and dreary had been the winter, to me a winter of pain and perplexity, fraught with rheumatic agonies, successive colds, and other concomitant evils, which ended in a confirmed fit of the gout. VOL. I. B » 2 THE OBSERVANT Now, though I am not one of the Mutmur family, nor any relation to ihejamous Sir Fretful, yet 1 looked very grave upon the occasion, made more \^ry faces than becoming ones, felt myself occasionally very snappish and petulent to every body, and more than once was guilty of inhumanity to poor Trudge, by giving him an unme- rited kick, when his proffered kind- ness has instigated him to fawn on the exact seat of pain, after poor old Su- san had swathed and cradled it with all possible tenderness. The glowing beauties of summer had now dispelled the gloomy storms of winter; and as the fairy vision of the enchanting prospect presented itself, i|iy paijiis had vanished, and I forgot past.troul^les, while hope and ease pointed out a fairer scene, and PEDESTRIAW MOUNTED. 3 inclined me once more to make ano- ther tour before the attendant infirmi- ties of age precluded that enjoyment; but how to effect it was the point. The tendon Achilles had suffered much from gouty contraction, and macte me tremble at taking too great liberties in the pedestrian line ; and as all carriages are to me temporary prisons, merely constructed for the purpose of convenient and inconve- nient transportation, this plan did not: digest. I had been dreaming of Brighton, and its visitors, and I longed to add one more to the many sea-gulls who take wing, and sport their plumes thither. Twice as 1 sat rumii^iating, I had B 3 4 THE OBSERVANT twirled my wig upon my thumb, looked at it — put it on— -pulled it off again deuce take it! it was empty of suggestion as the brain it covered. A horse gallopped across my ima- gination, but he was as soon out of mind as out of sight — for the best reason in the world, I had no strengdi to manage such an animal, nor any inclination to put myself to the ex- pence of his purchase ; so that would not do, and the wig was re-placed again hind part before. I had opened a closet, half deter- mined to preambulatemy Sussex tour, when my formidable crutches, like a couple of spectres, stared me in the face ; and, as I crossed the looking- glass, I saw the flash of folly upon my right cheek — yes, it was the right, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. O for it occasioned an instant dismissal of such an idle idea. Pshaw ! said I,;bumping myself into my elbow chair, as Susan entered the room with an old book in her hand, which she had found in the lumber- garret, where she had been rummag- ing an old trunk. " Pray, Sir," cried she, ** may I have this old book ? for Tve takeib a mighty liking, io it : it's the fanK)ns, story of Sanker PanJcer, the funny man that travelled vipon au ass^ and fought all the wind-mills, you kno\n- " Hold !" rephed I, ^* a thought has struck me/' " What, mayn't 1 have the book ?'* asked Susan doubtingly, twirling it B 5 d THE OBSERVANT about; ** its T^ry old and ragged, it a'nt worth much, I'm sure." ** Much or little, child, you're wel- come to it/' replied I, " for it has set- tled in one moment what I have been half an hour studying without my wig;* ** Mercy on me," exclaimed Susan, observing I had got it on the hind part before, ** why, Sir, what has be- tided yon ; have you been trying to g€t a fresh fit of the rheumatiz in your jvglers : I declare you frets me to the bone to see you so unprudentJ* " Never fear," replied I, " I shall be wiser when I come back, for I'll have a Donkey Tour to Brighton." *' There's a great many asses there, e'ent there, Sir ?" asked Susan. *' More than are requisite," replied I; " but, for all that. Til add one more to the number, for an ass I'll PEDESTRIAN MOUNtED. 7 have, and that immediately; 'tis gentle wholesome exercise, and 'tis the jfa- shion; come, get me my hat. Til be off to Smithfield, and make my ma:rket.'' Susan stood thunderstruck, "What, you ride a-top of an ass, Sir, lauck-a- daisey, why, how the people will laugh at yon," exclaimed she. ** So I mean they shall, Susan ; it wont be the Ji, st or second time they have lantrhed at me ; its an honour I am very ambitious off." " I'm sure you'll look very queer," continued Susan, pouting her under j.p. " Vin a queer man,'* said I, rather sharply, *' and therefore 1 like to act queer." " Fm sorry for't, Sir," answered Su- san, ** for Tm sure I sha'nt like to be axed about it a hundi-ed times oveh" B 4 - ■ ''-:'■ ■ 8 TH£ OBSERVANT ** Nobody ever axed you yet," said I . ** What, do you think, Sir, that people wont ax i\ie about the ass," cried Susan, conscious of the truth of her assertion. ** No, I'm sure they wont," replied I ; " for if any man living was to lift an ax against you, Td knock him down ; Fd chopper him, , he should not axe you twice. — I tell you what, Susan, I sincerely wish, while I'm gone to Brighton, that you'd study meanings out of the old spelling-book in my closet, for you make me very angry to hear you talk nonsense.' ** La, Sir, what odds!" cried Su- san, " you're so particular about folks speaking extinct ly, nobody wont era- dicate by me, if 1 talked ever so fine.' So finding I had affronted the old girl, I bolted off to Smithfield, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. k-WW-W V'WVfc'% THE DONKEY. There I soon found a great ?ariety of these placid animals haltered up to the posts, with their- iattendant scourgers kicking them, twisting their tails, or knocking them over the head in wanton cruelty; but one most at- tracted my notice; it was a beautifully mottled ass, rather above the common size, and was, for its species, very handsome, and in good condition, for the gloss of its dappled coat convin- ced me it had been in the hands of a careful and humane master. A clean neat-looking lad stood by the side of it, while a footman, and b5 10 THE OBSERVANT two very genteel children, were pat- ting its head over the rail. *' Mottle don*t know us now, John; do you think he does?" said the youngest. ** Oh, how I wish papa would buy him again for us; poor Mpttle, look at me; see, hold up your head, here's Edwin and Augus- tus come to see you ; hey, don't you know me ? don't you remember the corn I used to give you out of papa's stable? Oh ! I must give your brown pretty nose a kiss." The child's artless address pleased me wonderfully, as he rapturously kissed the quiet non-comprehensive. " Young gentleman," said 1, '' this little animal seems an acquaintance of yours ?'' PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. H " O yes, Sir,'* answered the ser- vant, ** he's a very great favourite, in- deed ; my master bought him last sum- mer for the children to ride at Wor- thing, but when we came home, he was sold at Brighton to carry a Lady; he's the most gentle, best tempered, creature upon earth. Come, Master Edwin, bid Mottle good bye, you know we re in haste." The noble rosy boy again stroked the ass, who looked sagaciously at the child, as if sensible of the honour he had received. " And thou shalt be mine," said 1, patting his nose as the children vealfc^ ed away, castmg repeated looks back, and bidding him farewell. I now soon struck a bargain, paid £6 12 THE OBSERVANT 50*. for my purchase, christened him " Mottle,'' according to little Edwin's nomination, and made the lad walk him gently home to my own door, where Susan declared he was the biggest beauty she ever saw ; and the lad having deposited the money in a little canvas bag, after having spit upon it for luck, made me a clownish bow, and stalked back ; so taking Mottle's halter, I led him away to the stable, where I soon provided myself with a saddle and bridle, and the very next morning, as the clock struck seven, beheld me equipped with ex- tra shirt, stockings and night cap neatly packed, as invisible as possible, and mounting in full spirits, I bid Susan adieu, and trotted off on the back of my new friend, with whose activity and docility I soon found PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. IS myself much pleased, and augured a very pleasant journey. ** Thou art a happy fellow," sraid I, as I stroked his long satin ears, ** but thou dost not know it, nor is it meet thou shouldst ; suffice thou shalt feel it ; I will teach thee gentleness, and thou shalt reap the sweets." The docile animal had trotted on to the Kennington turnpike, without any interruption, till the man of pow- er, in the shape of a toll-gatherer, caught hold of his bridle. 14 THE OBSERVANT THE SUSPICION. ** Whose ass is this ?" asked he. " Not yoiirV replied I. ** Where did you get him from 7» continued he, examining the ass all over. " Where he was to be had," cried I Tery calmly. " Why, you saucy old rogue, do you know who you're talking to?" replied he, doubling his fist. " Why I must be more stupid than the ass,'' said 1, *' if 1 did not know I was talking to an impudent jack-in- office, and I also know, if you domt release the bridle this moment, I'll PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 15 make you account for your insolent detention." *' Mind what you say, old hang-up^' continued he, *' because I haTe got the description of an ass in my waistcoat pocket." " My friend," said I, " you mistake, the description is under your waist- coat/' ** Sirrah," said he, "give me none of your ribaldry ; I suspect this is a stolen ass; >\ hat thief did you buy him off?'* " A turnpike man,'' replied 1. The fellow grinned with passion, and drawing a dirty crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, he called to another man for his judgment. " Except a white leg, he answers exactly," cried he, ** although that l6 THE OBSERVANT impiident old hunks will give no sa- tisfactory account how he came by it." The man of decision now gazing* earnestly in my face, took off his hat, and making me a low bow, begged pardon for the incivility I had receiv- ed, observed he knew me tvell, but his companion being newly stationed at the gate, had caused the mistake ; then in a nudge whisper, he exclaimed to the suspector, *' D- it, don't you .know who you've insulted ? why, that's Commissioner , I know him well." The fellow made a penitent bow, hoped I'd forgive him> as he was only doing his duty. " No, my good fellow/' replied I, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. )7 *' there you mistake ; justice and civi- lity is y<)ur duty, but you have acted with injustice and incivility to me, without knowing ivho I was ; you now see how easily a man may be mista- keriy' and I could scarce keep myself from laughing, as the ass moved on, and they both made me a low obe- dience. Its a fortunate thing, said I to my- self, to be like a good and respecta- ble character; my similitude to the Commissioner, (whom of course I re- semble) has been useful in obtaining me a civil apology, and correcting an impudent fellow ; thus every evil ad- duces good. I now jogged on to Stock well, re- gretting more than once the. absence of my faithful fellow traveller, honest 18 THE OBSERVANT Trudge, whom I had left to keep Su- san company, and resigned his pro- tection for Mottle's services^ as both ass and dog would have created me perhaps more trouble than profit; not that I renounced my ohi friend, but as I had never before managed an ass, I did not know exactly how it might be in his power to ujanage and per- plex me ; therefore, not to be encum- bered with nnnecessary plagues, I left mister Trudge to court favour, and amuse his indulgent protectress. " Holloo! Gitler Grist, what d'ye ax for yoiir donkey ?" said the ostler at the Swan, as I drew up to give it a drop of water. ** More than you've got to give," said I ; *' money and good manners.** '' Look at the old man and his ass ; I wonder what is the price of the two PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 19 lumped together?" cried another guz- zling sot, setting up a loud lau^h, to which I made no reply, and Mottle having washed his mouth, we paced on. I now began to find the ass had robbed me of respectability amongst the lower orders of society: " but they'll know better at Brighton," said I ; ** there I shall be a fashionable man." So nothing dismayed at natural vul- garisms, I trotted peacefully on to wards the romantic beauties of Clap- ham Common, across whose inter- sected green sward I had missed my road if 1 had not enquired of AN. ITENERANT TINKER, Who was mending a kettle under a tuft of thistles, which Mottle, sans ceremonie, began to crop. so THE OBSERVANT The fellow very civilly directed me with his smutty finger, and admired the beauty of my doukey. ** Ah!" said he, with a sigh, ?M had one once to carry my tackle, but through poverty and trouble I sold him to bury my wife ; Wiy poor son, God rest his blessed aslies, bought him for me before he went to Corunna, and there sure enough he finished his race,for I never saw him more.and that broke my wife's heart, and there was an end of every thing; so Isold my poor donkey, aud here I am, worse than nothing, at fifty eiglit years of age, born a tinker and die a tinker, sure enough. God send you better luck master, for Fve only earnt three- pence to-day." " Add this to it then," said I, giving PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 21 him a triffle; " and comfort yourself with a pint of beer, over which, if you choose it, you may drink health to the Man and his i^ss" The poor old fellow looked wist- fully in my face, drew his sieve across his eye to sweep off a starting tear that trickled down his grimmy cheek, bowed his ragged hat, and wishing me good morning, invoked health and prosperity to crown iny lengthen- ing years; and thus gifted with tHe tinker's blessing I turned towards Balham-hill, pursuing my course to which declivity I met one of the pret- tiest faces I ever saw, in the charac=. ter of 32 THE OBSERVANT THE FAGGOT GIRL, Whose head was loaded with broken branches, protruding in every direc- tion, and half hiding one of the sweet- est and most intelligent countenances I ever beheld, as she dropped me a rustic curtsey ; a short ragged gown of green camblet clad her ruddy but well-turned limbs, and her naked leg and foot might have been the foil of the handsomest shoe and stocking in England, had it been destined by for- tune to have been so embellished. Her bright intelligent blue eyes, her profusive fla;xen hair, tangled by the wind auiongst the faggots, and wav- ing wantonly over her rosy cheek, her Ivhite and regular teeth, and pretty PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 23 dimpled chin, all fascinated the Man and his Ass; for such* I'll be bound the faggot girl represented me when she reached her own hovel. *' And what's your name," said I. " Maria Martyn, Sir/' " And thou art a charming Maria, too,'' thought I, ** though thou art not at Mouiines, but thou hast crost my path, and every fascinating object to whom that name is attached claims my attention. ** How old are you child?" con- tinued I, '* and have you any pa- rents?" **I am fifteen, Sir; father's athatch- er; I have got ten brothers and sis- ters, an:] I am the eldest," said Maria. ** And how much does your father earn a week?*' 24 THE OBSERVANT " Oh he don't earn much ; he's had no thatching these three weeks ; he's got a bad leg; so he hedges and ditches a bit, now bread is so dear ; and when we're very hungry father, mother, and I goes to bed, after we've fed the lit- tle ones, and sleeps away our ape- tite." Sleep away hunger! ejaculated I, groaning inwardly at the horrible idea; and yet the squalid meagre pinch of poverty had not innovated her naturally beautiful form, and she could smile peaceful and happy. ** And what have you got for dinner, Maria?" " Oh, nice sheep's head porridge to-day ; the butcher at Balham killed a sheep last night and gave mother the head ; we shall have such t*eat."' PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 25 " The butcher was a man of huma- nity," exclaimed I, " but did he give your mother some saltT' The girl stared ! — my hand slipped into my pocket and 1 drew out half a crown; it was a poor pittance to fill a dozen mouths — it could not be helped, I had no more change ; I ex- tended the piece of money to the sur- prised faggot girl. " Give it your mother to buy salt for your porridge," said I. ** Mother never buys but a far- thing s worth, because she loves it fresh and fresh,'' said Maria. "God Almighty bless you, and thank you, Sir ; we shall be as happy as kings and queens.'' And making me a low curt- sey away she tripped with her forest VOL. I. c 8l5 THE OBSERVANT produce, and in possession of one of the best spent half crowns I ever was master of, for it gladdened the heart of indigence. THE PIG DRIVER. In descending the steep slope of Balham-hill, (which was unfortunate- ly fresh gravelled,) Mottle picked up I a stone in his foot; I dismounted to take it out just as a brutal and merci- less fellow approached, who was in- humanly lashing a pig in a string, which, as most such stubborn tem- pered animals do, pulled, squeaked, grunted his anger, and ran in every direction but the right; which so pro- voked the driver, that the vol ley of exe- crations he vented were beyond the idea of my dull comprehension. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 27 He had brutally slit its ear and wrenched its tail, from the exercise of which cruelty the blood trickled into the road; the sight worked up my feelings in a moment, and I felt compelled to expostulate. " Where are you going?'' asked I, " To Clapham," replied the pas- sionate wretch, uttering a desperate oath. " The pig wont have much ham left by the time he gets there," said I, '' for it appears to me you'll have whipped all the flesh off the bone; I could shew you a much better and quicker way of getting him along." " Who made you a pig dnver, old donkey-face?" cried he. At which mo- ment of insult the pig, as if actuated «2 28 THE OBSERVANT by retribution of its own agonies, ran between his feet, and threw the fel- low plump on the gravel, which, com- ing in contact with his very prominent riose, caused the blood to issue faster than it did from the pig. I caught the string, which I in- stantly separated with my knife, and set the pig at liberty, who waddled quietly on to a cottage door where some stale cabbage leaves had been chucked out, and upon which Mon- sieur CocJion began to feast ; while the driver, who was picking himself up, wiping his lacerated face and stamping with pain and passion in equal combination, was execrating the pig more violently than ever. ** My friend," said I, " you seem PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 29 to despise advice, but you may oft times profit even by ^fool; the cruel- ty you inflicted on that animal is the sole cause of your accident; treat him as you would an obstinate person, — coax him, as the surest method of saving yourself trouble and vexa- tion/' " Not I," replied the fellow; *' / coax a pig! Td see the pig ' ; what d'ye think I w ont be revenged ? ril work him along now if I draw him in four quarters." ** Forbear!" said I, *' you are a man, he is a brute ; act therefore like a man ; yes, a man of humanity bles- sed with reason. Go and get a pint of beer, wash your face in yon rivujetj; and I'll bet you a shilling I shew y(>tt the way to get that pig along as fast as you'd wish, aye and as willing and tractable too." c 3 30 THE OBSERVANT ** Well, come,'* said the fellow, somewhat calmed by seeing me put my hand in my pocket, (an action I have often found very talismanic) -** lets hear now your grand method, I warrant you're a cleaver fellow in your own conceit ; come lets hear the plan." ** Tie to the end of that stick the cabbage leaves you see yonder," said 1, ** the scent of which will induce the pig to follow, if you walk gently on holding the temptation about a yard from his nose, and by giving him an occasional taste of which, you will have no further trouble." ** Drot it," exclaimed the fellow, scratching his head and watching the extrication of my hand from my pocket, while his eye beamed hope and expectation, " Drot it, its no bad plan, I'll try it." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 31 ** Do," replied I, " and here's a shil- ing to drink credit to my advice, which I hope you'll explain to every pig driver to learn him humanity and to save trouble/' The fellow took the shilling, look- ed at it, then at me, and then at the ass. I asked him what resemblance he traced between lis? The question stung him, and he hastily replied, ** He verily believed I was a gentle- man by my behaviour and begged pardon for the rude epithet with which he had branded me. " Gentle or simple," said I, ** 'tis granted for 'tis not in your power, "imy friend, to offend or ruffle tny temper^ depend upou it. I have purchased myself a shilling s-worth of civility, c 4 3S THE OBSERVANT you have benefitted by a shilling's- worth of advice, and the pig will re- ceive a shilling's worth of humanity ; thus we part good friends though I met you a captious enemy." " If you had broiled along three miles in the sun, as I have,^ you'd have been in a passion too," said the fel- low. " No I should not," said I; " 'Tis christians irritate my temper, not brutes^ I therefore hope your temper was the mere effect of a pig passion, which you now know how to remedy ; farewell; old Donkey-face forgives your spleen, and hopes you'll profit by his advice." The fellow looked abashed, made me a civil bow, and tying the leaves to his stick, as I had advised, the pig followed him briskly up the hill, and PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 33 I watched him out of sight, much satis- fied with the effects of my new plaa of pig coaxing. GINGERBREAD IMPUDENCE. I had extracted the pebble from Mottle's foot, and jogged coolly and pleasantly on to the border of Mitch- am Common, when one of my girths being rathei* too loose I dismounted to adjust it close by a cottage door, where a poor old rustic Granny was seated under a blooming hollyhock, darning a ragged worsted stocking, by the side of her pouting grandson, who mounted on a high chair, bis chin pillowed on his hand, his elbows rest- ed on his knees, and his eyes fixed c 5 34 THE OBSERVANT on a large cat, was saucily reviling h6r in the following terms, which dis- tinctly vibrated on the drum of my attentive ear: " I wish one of us three was hang- ed 1 don't mean you pussy indeed, nor I don't mean tni/self" Here he paused and leered at his grandmother, just as I fixed my eyes upon his scowling countenance. ** Then ivho do you mean, sirrah?'' said I, shaking my stick over his head as the old palsied dame whipped off her spectacles. " ^^h a saucy rogue, he means me, your honour; he's been in the pouts these two hours about going to the fair, he's had a farthing and a pinch of snuff, and what would he have PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 35 more? he shant go at all ; he only wants to get into mischief and frighten me out of rny wits ; and so ye see hoW he sits and abuses ; its M ginger. bread impudence, because I've got no money to give him ; and, God help me, I have not a shoe to my foot to crawl in if Td ever such mind to go/' I looked at her feet, her assertion was just; I slipped my hand into my pocket to feel for a better pair. " Goody," said I, '* could you hobble to the fair and fit your foot?" ** Oh yes, your honour, if Id money to pay for them; but as nobody will give me any, its no use going, ^ I sits at home contented.'* " I'll give you a pair,*' said I; ^* come, Goody, stir you stumps, we'll go to the fair together, you shall ride c6 / 56 THE OBSERVANT upon my donkey and young sauce- box shall lead it and bring you safe home again. Fll shew him the way to treat his grandmother, without wishing her hanged, — beg her pardon this moment you rascal.*' The boy terrified at my stern and menacing look plumped on his knees, begged pardon — burst into tears- wiped the drops of contrition upon his granny's yarn apron, and promis- ed never to insult her again. " All right," said I, " and depend upon it when I pass this way again I shall enquire how you keep your word." The boy again blubbered out a boy's promise; the old woman fetched her bonnet, latched her hovel door, and PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 37 hudling her up upon Mottle, my peni- tent youth led her gently on to the fair, and I followed. Arrived at the scene of bustle I gave the old woman a crown to hob- ble with me to the shoe stall, for which she most gratefully thanked me. *' If I thought you would lead your grandmother gently and safely home, I'd give you a shilling, but not to buy a rope to hang\\ev with," said 1. Oh how charmingly my reproof crimsoned his cheek; his head hung like a bullrush; he slid the shilhug into his ragged pocket, and kept bow- ing his curley pole till I was out of So far so good, said I to myself; the 38 THE OBSERVANT old woman little dreamed she should have a ride to the fair, and if she had nt been tvished hung its a chance if she had ; bill her honest counte- nance looked so undeserving the re- proach of the ungrateful boy thajt I could not forbear softening the evi- dence. APPEARANCES. From the busy scene of wild beasts, raree shows, rattles, trumpets, and the whole toto of village merriment, I trotted on to Sutton, where I antici- pated a delicious dinner, having been informed of the peculiar excellence of the Widow's marrowfats, and being very peckish I turned i\Iottle, (who PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 39 was DO thing loath to follow i«y ex- ample), into the yard, where I dis- mounted; but no ostler came to lead the poor animal into the stable, al- though there were four or five lazy strappers lolling with folded arms against the stable door post; and why? because he was an ass, to which unfortunate species all civility or at- tention seemed unnecessary. Nettled with this idea, I beckoned to one of them, and desired he'd lead the ass into the stable and bring him corn. *' Aye, aye," replied he, ** let him bide where he is, and III give him a handful of tares bye and bye ; he stands mighty well." Piqued at this insolent contradic- 40 THE OBSERVANT tion of my orders I hastily replied, " Sirrab, at your peril give my ass tares, I choose he sliall have corn if I even pay for it before he eats it, which I shall take care to see him do: do yon suppose me inhuman enough to suffer him to stand two hours starv- ing and broiling in the heat of the sun, intolerable enough to a lazy man, much more an active brute." The fellow winked his eye at his companions, and with a sneering laugh led Mottle into the stable, where I took care to place him in a shady corner and see him munch his dinner. And now for my own, said I, as I walked up to the larder win- dow from whence mine hostess had a full view of me from the moment I entered the yard- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 41 " Hostess," said I, " I am told you have got some nice marrowfats ; I wish to have a dish of them with some ham, and a tart, as soon as they can be got ready." To this civil requisition I received no answer from the widow, who in- dignantly surveyed me from head to foot, after which argus inspection, — " I believe," cried she, *' you are the person who just now came in upon an ass, — walk into the kitchen, friend, and I'll send you your dinner pre- sently: walk into the kitchen yon- der." ** No, thank you, madam,'' said I, " though I'm an ass rider I am not a kitchen diner, I shall therefore re- quest my cloth laid in one of your parlours, also a to we! and bason of water to refresh me from the dust; and when dinner's over, madam, ii 42 THE OBSERVANT yoii will condescend to take a glass of wine wilb the Jack ass Man, he'll be prond to undeceive you of your prejudiced ideas." The widow was dumb-— she was thunderstruck — the tables turned in a moment. " Sir," said she (after biting her nails), ** I hope no offence, but one never knows whos who now a days." Then calling to Nanny Suiirk to bring some water, Ezekiel the waiter was ordered to shew the gentleman into No. 3, and lay the cloth. NANNY SMIRK. This was exactly the thing : I was PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 43 ushered into a neat clean parlour, and while Ezekiel withdrew to arrange his tray, I walked mechanically up to the looking glass, to see which I most impartially resembled, a gentle- man or a jack-ass man, but the pro- yoking plate of reflexion being placed opposite the bow window, in a low ceiling room, rendered any decisive distinction almost impossible: eyes right, half obscured ; eyes left total- ly filmed ; eyes forward, nothing dis- cernable: oh, how I execrated the bricklajer who made but one win- dow to a room, whereby to inconve- nience all mankind, at least the ad- mirative part; and I had but just turned away in a passion when Nanny Smirk, with her laughing counte- nance, entered with the refreshing paraphanalia oi pump comfort. 44 THE OBSERVANT " I'm all over dust, Nanny Smirk," said I, ** I'm half blind — half choak- ed." *' Perhaps your ass be a shuffler, Sir," replied she. *' He should not be mine another hour if he was," answered I. " No, no, my girl, I shall bring an action against the dust.'' *' That's impossible. Sir," replied Nanny Smirk, grinning and exhibit- ing to view her whole compliment of teeth. '' Not at all, Nanny,'' said I; "and you shall see I win my cause ; do you understand law, Nanny Smirk? ** No, Sir," and Nanny shook her head and grinned again. '* But you understand causes and effects^ my good girl?'* PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 45 *' No, Sir," replied she. *' Then I'll shew you how to bring an action against Messrs Dust & Co. give me the bason." Nanny obeyed — I immersed the towel, she smiled, I scrubbed till the complexion of the water declared vic- tory over the dust. " I'm comfortable," said I, " and that's worth sixpence," which I wrap- ped in the towel as a reward for Nan- ny Smirk's trouble, with which she withdrew with a sliding curtsey of at \eaist two t/ards stretch. THE WIDOW'S MARROWFATS. Oh! such delicious marrowfats as Ezekiel placed before me, by the 46 THE OBSERVANT time I had arranged my dress, would have gratified the luxurious appetite of an epicure. I have not been deceived in my in- formation, thought I ; I shall make a sumptuous dinner; the ham was excel- lent, the tart relished, the beer was brisk, and what exceeded all, I was satisfied^ and that's what few men will acknowledge; but who would not protect and sanction the industrious and civil eiideavours of a ividow, smiling and comely as mine hostess, to whom, as Ezekiel placed my wine upon the table I requested he'd make known my wishes of her company, and in the course of five minutes she made her appearance. She was plpmp as a partridge and PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 47 as round and rosy as (an apple dump- liuy says Paddy), but I say an ap- ple only for the cru'sl had vanished, and the Widow entered all humility, all civility, with as many more prettt^ sou7icUng adverbs attached as the rea- der pleases to honour her wilh in his mind's eye. Censorists avaunt! the Widow's tete-a-tete with tlie Jack-ass Man might have been recorded in brass, though no brazen sentence marked the subject. ** We are not to judge men from their appearance but their manners, madam," said I, handing a seat, which she declined ; *' and therefore the dusty condition in which I presented myself first before you, perhaps in- duced you to suppose; from my sub- 48 THE OBSERVANT joined equipage, that I in reallity was what your fancy painted me ; but I hope, now I look more respectable, you'll favour me by taking a glass of wine.*' The Widow curtsied,—! filled her glass, she politely drank my health and I her's. ** Pray, Sir," observed she, " who might recommend you here, and tell you about my peas?" " A carriage party, on their way to Brighton, who lunched off and ad- mired them," replied I. The Widow's head raised two inches — ^she dropped me an unexpect- ed curtsey, hoped I'd recommend her house, and was as civil as a Widow need be, and just as I had given her a one pound note to exchange for PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 49 the peas, the ham, the tart, and the bottle of wine, a burouche and four turned into the yard, and obliged her to scamper to the scene of interest, — " Mottle's stall will perhaps be in re- quisition," said I, *' and the ignomi- nious animal must find inferior shel- ter ; that wont suit my feelings, so we'll be off. I therefore took ano- ther glass and left Ezekiel the ullages as his profit and the ass-rider\s pre- sent, and in ten minutes after I was mounted and found myself at the pretty rural turnpike that divides Sut- ton from the pleasant and salubri- ous downs of Banstead. ^■^^■^**-*^*^ JACOB HOMESPUN AND LITTLE SUK. Here I cantered over the turf up hill and down dale, admiring the luxu- VOL. I. D 50 THE OBSERVANT A riant and blooming tufts of purple heath and yellow broom, whose con- trasting beauties, sprinkled by the prolific hand of nature over the vel- vet downs, had a beautiful appearance, grateful to the admiring eye, as had the diversified and elegant hollyhocks that adorned every cottage door, in whose little plot of vegetable store the tempting apple hung in ruddy clustering promise; the peasantry, pursuing the labor of the day, diver- sified the scene ; the birds chanted a chorus of melodious music ; the fro- licsome lambs bounded across the down, and the watchful sheep-dog basked in the sun by the side of the shepherd's listless form extended on a verdant hillock; all was enchanting to me, all was lovely ; the cottage children tumbled in rustic antics be- fore me to obtain a few halfpence ; the serene face of nature was charm- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 51 ing, and I contemplated its sublime beauties with silent rapture and ado- ration, till I reached the Tangier, where Mottle walked up to the water trough to help himself, and J, to ease his shoulders, again relieved him of my incumbrance. A civil fellow who was quaffing a mug of ale under the wide spreading tree, that shades the antique Bench porch, (which has from its mutilated and moss-grown appearance, in all probability weathered a century) im- mediately left his frothy brown canu on the oak-bench, and leading Mottle into the shade, gave him a nice hand- ful of fresh tares, stroked his ears, patted his dappled coat, rubbed the dust off him with a wisp of clean hay, and admired his beauty ex- tremely. D 2 UBRARt - UNIVERSITY OF tUWOa 52 THE OBSERVANT " Pray friend," said I, " de you be- long to this house?' ** Noa, Sir, I bees only a bit of a neighbour like, some of the folk here, be gone in the fields, and so, as there^s nobody at whoam, but the old dame, and little Suk, I loikes to give 'em a lift, as a body may say, if a customer come, and the Lunnon coach be coming by soon." "Was you ever in London, my friend?" ** Noa, Sir, I wer never ten moile beyond thic pleace sen I wor born." *' And what are you?' " Loak, your Honor, I dont know what I be hardly, for I be pretty well Jack of all trades ; I be squire Do- All's odd mon." ** And are you married ?" **Not yet, Sir; I he's on my per- ferment; I be casting a sheep's eye at one of our house-maids, but I be PEPESTRIAN MOUNTED. 53 bashful somehow, and she be bashful too, so we dont make much on't at present; hops by Christmas things may take a bit of a turn." " And what may your name be, my good fellow?" ** Jacob Homespun, Sir, a raw lad, poor, but honest* and desperate wil- ling to sarve, and oblige as far as lays in my power ; never had an ill word from nobody to my knowledge, sen I wor a younker." *' Aye indeed," said I, ** few people can say as much ; be so good, friend Jacob, to order me some cyder and biscuits, and we'll partake it toge- ther upon this fustic bench ; the air is reviving, and I prefer it to the house." Jacob set up a halloo for little Suk, who in her inch-check apron and her blue camblet, with a carotty cropped pole, and her shoulders touching her d3 54 THE OBSERVANT ears, came clumping across the red- tile kitchen with my cyder and bis- cuits, and stood before me the image of awkwardness. To be sure she was only a cottage pot-girl, but such as she was she might have been better; her features were plain, very sun- burnt, and freckled, and as she stood before me, the girl's form and manners were scarce humanised. " Poor neglected soul,*' thought I, aK I surveyed her figure, " thou art an uncultured wild flower, indeed." " Suk," said I, '* who learnt you to hold up your head ?" "Nobody." " 1 thought so," replied I. ** Who's your father and mother?" " Nobody— they both died before I was 5orw," said Snk. " That's impossible, my girl." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 55 *' But'um did tho'; ax old mother; did'ut 'em, Geacup?" " No, Suk, my girl, you be wrong," replied Jacob Homespun ; '* she means, Sir, as how her mother died in child-bed, and she never had no fa- ther at all, poor thing, for he was a sailor, and died at sea long afore she was thought of — so she was made a parish-girl.'* ** So I perceive,'* said I ; *' her shape tells me that; for, parish girl like, s>.e's as if she was turned the hind part before ; do, Sukey, my good girl, learn to hold up your head, or you'll be two-double, like an old witch, and you'll never get a sweet- heart ; nobody likes a poking girl; look at me, though an old man, I'm as upright as a dart ; put a long sprig of holly in your bosom, and my life for't it will learn you to hold up your bead : for, the moment it pricks your 56 THE OBSERVANT chin, you'll keep it in its proper place/' " Aye, do Suk, and I'll bring a handsome piece for a nosegay to-mor- row," said Jacob Homespun, ** if you'll promise to wear it/' Suk, between a laugh and a cry, promised she would try the experi- ment, just as the London coach drew up to water, and gave her fresh em- ployment to supply the drougthy tra- vellers; and a pretty collection of wild ducks they were — laughing, singing, swearing, and drinking, in unison, till gee-hu cracked his long whip, and whistled on his leaders, and his cargo of sea-gulls ; and as the sun now began to be upon the decline, 1 bid adieu also to Jacob Homespun, the civilest being I had yet met with, and again mounting my refreshed donkey, set off for PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 57 r^^.e-f*-**-t GATTON HILL, That majestic surmounting exca- vation, whose chalky excorities, inter- sected with blooming wild- weeds, sprung in irregular elegance, presents its various contrasts, with the bloom- ing and richly-diversified valley of Holmsdale, so justly admired by eve- ry contemplator of nature's beauties; and a charming walk I enjoyed down the chalky steep, while Mottle paced gently on, cropping a vagrant sprung thistle, or any of the vegetable tribe that skirted the rocky cliff, and pleas- ed his discerning palate ; for an ass knows what pleases him as well as a d5 58 THE OBSERVANT christian, though he don't talk about it. When we got to the bottom of the hill, each of us pursuing our own pace and pleasure, we overtook a fruit girl going to Reigate, which at that moment was the very thing I most wished to meet^ but, as it happened, I followed it. THE FRUIT GIRL, She was the picture of neatness: her clean chintz, her straw hat, her black worsted mitts, till looked re- spectable^ and the arrangement of her PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 59 fruit deserved commendation, for it was invitingly spread, and deliciously tempting. We reciprocally stopped; the girl ci\HUy demanded if I pleased to pur- chase; so placing the basket on a low rail, to relieve her arm, I made choice of some apricots, which were extravagantly dear, but the girl ^s so civil, I could not help it, for I epi- curised upon a fine peach and a bunch of grapes afterwards. The distance to Riegate was but trifling, and the girl was very intelli* gent as we walked side by side, in which style we entered the town. She told me she was a gardener's daughter of reputable parenis and comfortable competence; that her d6 60 THE OBSERVANT name was Margaretta, and she was well known at Riegate; and thus we discoursed till we entered the town, where we parted, she to supply her customers, I to a cup of coffee at the White Hart, where I rested Mot- tle's hoofs near two hours, and after watching the rapid sale of young Margaretta's merchandise, I had the satisfaction of seeing her basket empty, as she made me a smiling curtsey in her way back, under the window where I sat, observing, *• my hansel had been wonderful lucky." I bid her adieu ! wished her equal success on the morrow, and watched her tripping home with her basket as far as my sight would per- mit PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 6 I THE TANDEM. I had just finished my coffee, and the golden brilliance of the setting' sun darted its glowing ray across the Gothic market place, when a violent rattle over the ill-paved town drew my attention, and a most stilish tan- dem, with a bang-up driver and a Bond-street lounger, followed by two grooms, dashed up to the inn door. The landlord in a moment stood bowing at the side of the vehicle. "Have you got any thing fit for dinner, you Sir?" 62 THE OBSERVANT *'Why, Sir, its not market day, but Ave can furnish you with some nice Eels," said the landlord. " D n your Eels, have you got aTnrbot?' " Oh no, Sir, nothing of the kind, particularly at this time of night '^ " Night, my good fellow," ex- claimed the lomiger, stretching his listless form, " why its but just break- fast-time in London ; I hope we dont disturb you from your supper." "The broad and the short of the matter is, what can we have to eat, continued the driver." " Eggs and bacon, ham and peas, nice mutton chops, cold veal, cold beef.'^ ** Cold Devil," exclaimed the loun- ger, " what d'ye think ive could make a dinner off your chop-house scraps, no! no!, it wont suit us\ I tell you PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. C3 what, Jack, lets drive on to Crawley, its only dining at eight instead of seven,' then turning to one of the grooms, brush on, you Sir, to Crawley as if h — 11 was behind you, and oider some poultry to be ready by the time we arrive, with the primest articles the larder affords." The groom gallnpped off, the tan- dem driver drew up his reins, chuckled insolently in the face of the rivil dis- appointed landlord, wished him a good appetite to his supper and bowled away; but in the action of dis- playing his coachmanship, by stand- ing bolt upright, and the badness of the pavement, a sudden jerk of tlie wheel threw him plump out, with a laeerated face, a contused nose, and dislocated left shoulder. 64 THE OBSERVANT Mine host who was standing on the door step, and like myself had witnessed the accident, ran to offer his assistance, while tlie horses on full speed encountering the stump of a tree, upset the tandem, snapt part of the harness, and broke one of the shafts, by pitching the lounger into a hedsje, from whence he scrambled much less hurt than his friend, whom the village doctor took the liberty of bringing back to the White Hart, in a more humble tone than he arro- gantly left it two minutes before ; and after having his wounds dressed, and his shoulder replaced, was compelled to condescend to partake of the iden- tical provision he had scoffed at ; add to which mortification, the groom in- formed him he could not possibly proceed on his journey for at least PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 65 three hours, if at all ; owing to the damage the tandem had sustained. ** Its an ill ^vind blows nobody good," said I to the landlord, as I remounted to pursue my joureey, *' for it strikes me some of that Craw- ley poultry will do for my supptr* instead of the anticipated dinner, so I'll brush on with the news, Away 1 jogged, leaving the two dont-up ones behind me. THE STRAY GOOSE. I enjoyed a delightful ride along that beautiful road that divides Rie- 66 THE OBSERVANT gale from Crawley, talked with an old shepherd under the oak that se- parates the counties of Surry and Sussex, in the centre of Lovel Heath, where 1 met a poor old woman driv- ing home a little flock of geese, and wiping her tears upon a ragged bit of an apron, tied roi^nd her leather bod- dice, for gown she'd none. She had been a good-looking woniian when the rose of youth bloomed upon her cheek, but it now more resembled a withered nonpariel ; for age had stamped its wrinkled signet amidst the morphewed furrows of the inno- vater; her silver hair escaping the confinement of the mob cap, hung dishevelled Ijy the wind ; which with her palsied hand she ever and anon swept back. ** Goody,'^ said 1, ** what brings PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 67 yoiir grey hairs thus with sorrow to the grave ?^^ " Sorrow indeed, Sir/' mumbled she, " I've lost my goose ; I have been hobbling all over the common this hour and half, till I am ready to sink, and I cant find her ; I do verily believe somebody "h.as^ stole it ; dear heart what shall I do!" and again she wiped the tear of vexation. " Is it your own?" asked I. " Alack, no Sir, God send it was, but it belongs to a very cross gentle- man that my son Dick works for ; and as I be leame he offered me the job of tending after his geese, and bringinggfhem safe home at night; for I lives in yon cottage with my son and darter; so I've a penny a day to w^atch 'em after I've finished my spin- ning; but they plagues my heart out, they ramble such a main way out of 68 THE OBSERVANT sight, and now one's gone sure enough, and the consequence is, I shall be turned out of bread, and my poor 6on's wages will be stopped to pay for't, and then what's to feed five little hungry babies all the week?" " Dont fret, Goody," said I, ^Hhat^s making bad worse, go home and I'll go wilh you, and send your son to look for it; I'll be bound he'll find it." ** Pray the Lord he may,'^ answered the old woman, ** swishing the geese along with a bramble till we reached the cottage door, where we found the peasant, his wife, and five children, just sitting down to a dish of cold beans and bacon; the wholesome be- verage of the stream in a broken red pitcher, stood beside the rye bread loaf of homely brown, but the scanty PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 69 pittance seemed savored by content- ment. " Oh Dick, I've lost a goose, and I'm going mad," cried the old dame, clasping her brown withered hands. **Poh! Poh! Mother," exclaimed Dick, " sit down and have some supper; she be straggled I dare say; I'll goo look for her, your eyes be bad ; which or em be it?*' " Why it be Flapperty, master's favourite, the queen of the whole flock/' " Dang it," said Dick, scratching his red curley ears, " that*s a dashed awkward job, what wool measter say if she be nabbed." I saw consternation in the fellow s face, and I enquired what he thought hi» master would expect for the goose. 70 THE OBSERVANT " Oh a great deal more tliaii IVe got to pay," replied he, shaking his head; "aye, I suppose as much as three or four shillings mayhap, and that's such a sight as I never see but of a Saturday night." " Well let me relieve your trou- bles," said I; "go honest Richard and search the common, I think you'll find it, but in case you dont, here's a crown to pay for it, and when I come this road again, I'll call and hear all about it." A volley of blessings broke from the lips of the old woman, the peasant, and his comely wife, who, screwing the money up in a bit of rag, put it in the flowered yellow tea-pot that decked the mantle-shelf, and away ran Richard across the comtiion in pursuit of the stray goose. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 71 THE BANG-UP SYSTEM. The moon had by this time risen in unclouded majesty, and silvered every brook ; the nightingale was chaunting her lullaby vesper in sweet- ly-dying notes, and all was serenely charming; the soft beam of luna ir- radiated every cottage casement, be- neath the covert of whose moss- grown thatch the peasant slumbered calm and undisturbed ; so quickening mypace, as the road was level, I soon found myself at the turnpike that gives admission to the village of 72 THE OBSERVANT Crawley, where a good supper, and perhaps a good bed is all that can be expected at the Rising Sun, whither I bent my course, on the threshold of which I recognised the tandem groom upon the look out for his master. « I).- — n it. Master wont come to- night,'" said he, " I'll go and set upon the turnpike-gate and listen, I know the tune of our horses feet from a hundred.'' *' You may, my friend," cried I, ** but you'll not hear them to-night." The fellpw stared, I explained, he paused for a moment over my intelli- gence, rapped out his whole slang catalogue of jockey oaths, and de- clared he did not know how to act. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 7$ Then said I, sleep here as its late, and set off at sun-rise> which will be quite as soon as you will be wanted, and say it was the advice of your in* former. The fellow thanked me very civilly, observed his master was a rum chap, who lived by his means, and though as great an outside dasher as any in England, frequently compelled the female factotum of his house to pawn the silver tea-pot for half a peck of coals, an ounce of tea, and a quartern of brown sugar for the bed breakfast of himself and chere amie, of whom hd had a plentiful variety; after partaking which sumiJiuous dejime, he mounted Madam in his tandem, left the servant a red' herring for her dinner, took his contract grooms, who found their own victuals, sported himself all day on VOL. I. E 74 THE OBSERVANT some race-course, or at some pugi- listic match, and returned dashing home to the cool reception of an empty cupboard, which he replenished with a three-penny loaf, a shillings- worth of salmon, or oysters, and a plentiful glass of grog for himself and lady, by the light of a three-halfpenny chandlers-shop candle, stuck in a silver candlestick, and his grooms drove home to their stable yard, to strip off their trappings and snooz€ in a hay-loft. THE BED CONTENTION. I now walked into the kitchen after Mottle had finished his supper, to look PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 7b after my own, when the landlord in- formed me, a couple of fine ducks were just ready for his expected din- ner party. This proved exactly my prediction and wish, therefore ordering one of them, with some peas and tarts, I made an excellent supper. The landlord who waited on me would have been loquacious, but se- veral carriages coming iu, set the house in a bustle and gave him better employment. I heard various alter- cations about beds, but one particu- larly tickled my fancy, it was between mine hostess and a married gentle- man, who was conveying a single young lady in his gig to Brighton, on a family pop visit; of course they could not tnake one bed serve, and e2 76 THE OBSERVANT mine hostess had only a two-bedded room unoccupied ; that would not do neither, no, not though Sterne's cork- ing pins, as strong as skewers, had fastened the curtains ; but in the ad- joining room a gentleman traveller was to sleep solus, and mine hostess had summoned him to the scene of contention, to know why he could not give up his bed to the lady, and sleep in the same room with the married gentleman, who strongly urged the argument ; but the tra- veller declined all entreaty, he chose a room sacred to himself, and the angry married man had no resource but to go to the opponent inn, which he did, but could find no accommo- dation, and was compelled to take up his night's lodging on a sofa in the next room, in which I was sitting, and where the snarling trio were ob- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 77 liged to eat their suppers together, every comer in the house^being full. About ten o'clock the bell rung furiously, and the ladv ordered her candle. " Its of no use, Ma am," said the hostess, ** till that gentleman goes to bed, for his room goes through yours." "Why then, the gentleman wim^< go to bed immediately," vociferated the married man. " No, Sir, I neither can or shall do any such thing; I have an hours busi- ness to adjust before I choose to retire," said the traveller, laying nu- merous papers before him, and calling for pen and ink. ** Sir,'^ cried the voice of the lady (for a thin partition only divided us,) E 3 78 THE OBSERVANT "Sir, you are very unkind not ta comply; I must be up by four o'clock, and I am most excessively fatigued." *' So am I, Ma'am, like most other travellers, but for all that I must settle my business before I sleep, so ycu may take a sound nap in your chair for an hour to come, or go to bed, which you please, the landlady will conduct me to my chamber, and I shall cross yours too softly to dis^ turb you," " But by Sir, you shall do no such thing, and I tell you to your face, you're no gentleman, if you re- fuse to accommodate a lady, even at the greatest inconvenience to your* self," said the married man. The traveller made no reply, and J applied my eye to a crevice in the wainscot, where I had a nice bird's- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 70 eye view of the group, and mine hostess, who stood poutin.i^ over the candle she held in her hand, ventured to suggest, " that perhaps, the gentle- man's window being low, he'd have no objection to get in with a short ladder, instead of disturbing the lady." ** ril see you and the ladder at the d 1 first," replied the traveller; " first come first served, and every body must take their chance of in- convenience/' "Well, Sir," continued the irritated lady, " there's one thing yon can cer- tainly do, which is, to lake your writing into your own chamber to finish ; that can be no obstacle." " Of course, of course not," replied the married man, " if you really are a gentleman, you'll instantly comply with the lady's request," £4 so THE OBSERVANT The traveller gave him no answer, packed up his papers, snatched up a candle, and instantly withdrew, headed by the landlady, and followed by the young lady, who left her com- panion to sleep upon the rough ac- commodation of a blanket on a hard sofa, and after laughing at their per- plexities, and the perversity of men, subjoined to the perseverence of wo- men, I went to bed. THE OLD WOMAN. The next morning as soon as I was out of bed, I threw open my window, and popping my head half PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 81 oat, called as I thought to the boot- catcher to come up to my chamber, but I was mistaken, for a female voice instantly replied, *' what did you please to want, ma am?'' ** Ma'am, repeated I to myself, ** that's a pretty hoax ; Susan so fe- malizes my night-caps, the giri takes me for an old woman, ^nd egad Til fit her for it; so laying my tongue close over my bottom teeth, and tuck- ing my shirt sleeve up to my elbow, I popped my head half out a second time *' here ostler' said I, retaliating the girls compliment, " clean my husband's boots directly and bring them up," saying which, I dropped them into the yard, " very well, ma aw," repeated the girl, who by the time I had brushed and scrubbed myself, tapped at the door with my boots^ which I immediately opened, e5 82 THE OBSERVANT ** Does the old lady please to want me, Sir, for, any thing," said the girl. ** What old lady, my girl, I know of none." ** The old lady that called ont of the window about the boots just now,^ Sir." " Oh," said I laughing, ** that old lady was me, child," The girl started back, coloured-up like scarlet, turned short round, and scampered down stairs as if she'd seen an apparition, to retail in the tap kitchen " as how she had mis- taken a man for a woman," and by her recital, set the whole bread and cheese squad in a roar of laughter at her recital, for I heard her repeat every syllable, particularly how I mumbled and lisped. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 83 So much for my joke; Mottle was ^.saddled in a trice, my expence de- frayed, and off I set towards Cuck- field, for an appetite to my breakfast. The sun gilded the thatched roofs of the lonely and desolate-looking village of Crawley; as I paced my donkey through its extent, to me it appeared the village of poverty ; the ragged bare-foot cottage children were eating their porridge on the rude stone step, surrounded by cats, dogs, hens, ducks, and pigs, anxiously assembled to lick the platter; while some actually messed in the same bowl ; in short, Crawley is a conve- nient resting place of a night, but it has no charms for day-light, for the turnpike and the two inns is very- thing worth looking at. e6 $♦ THE OBSERVANT »%v%'vw«^'«v% VAGRANT ELLEN. I had not gone far, when a party of Gipsies under a hedge, who were merrily singing over their boiling kettle, came begging by the side of the ass ; there were three women and five children, as fine healthy babies as ever were seen, to whom I distri- buted my whole store of copper, which they had no sooner got, then one of the women came up and soli- cited to tell my fortune. I fixed my eyes on hers, which PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 85 were the most expressive I ever be- held; she was remarkably handsome, though disguised by her wallnut com- plexion ; her form and manners were so superior to her class of connection, that she peculiarly interested my at- tention as she walked by my side, with her well-shaped hand laid on Mottle s mane. " ril tell your Honor's fortune as true as the stars," said she* *' I dont believe that, my girl, but I think I can tell part of yom's," re- plied I; *' you was not born a Gipsey^ Fm sure." " Oh no," answered she, gazing earnestly in ray face, " pity poor va- grant Ellen,*' then dashing her hand on her forehead she continued, ** I was once like you, good and happy, but the rose of virtue withers aoiong 86 THR OBSERVANT the thorns of vice." She paused, a tear stole down her olive cheek; I stopped the ass, I sat petrified at her mysterious metaphor ; such language from the lips of a vagrant roused my curiosity. " Ellen," said I, " you speak in riddles, if you dont explain ray for- tune clearer, I shall be none the wiser, but first tell me yours." " Sir," answered she, laying her hand on her bosom, *' I was born the child of affluence, and wa& nurtured in the cradle of luxury, but in the bloom of early life I fell a prey to the seduction of a villain; discarded by friends and scoffed by the world, the wretched, deserted, pennyless Ellen, descended step by step to the abyss of misery, and now wanders un- known the rugged pilgrimage of poverty and woe." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 87 She clasped her hands, a flood of tears drowned her half-shaded boson). ** If thy tale be true, and thou art no impostor, Ellen, I pity thee from my soul,'* said I. " Tis true as Heaven is just," an- swered she. " And wouldst thou reform?" said I. ** Oh most willingly, but I have no friends left, no resource, for who would countenance a guilty wretch like me?" ** I would," said I, ** and proudly, stand the friend of penitence, I'll prove you, Ellen," saying which, I drew a card of address from my pocket book, and put it in her hand. " Call there," said I, " in three weeks from this time, and you shall yet find a friend." 88 THE OBSERVANT She pressed the card eagerly to her lips, then wrapped it in her bosom, and sacredly promised to ^ keep her word at the appointed time. I slipped a trifle into her hand to divide with her wretched crew, and another for herself, which she con- cealed in a patch of her petticoat, and thus we parted ; she returned to the Gipsey party, and I pursued my journey, sincerely hoping Ellen would keep her promise. ^^^#i#y «^^ THE WARRENER, Meditating on this little incident, I paced on through tlie delightful i PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 89 road that divides the rabbit-warren, where Mottle chose to browse a few minutes amongst the fern. Here I met with a warrener and his son, loaded with rabbits, coming out of the wood ; the boy carried* the fer- ret net, the warrener slung the basket over his shoulder, and two fine.dogs followed. He told me they had been out long before sun-rise, and had taken sixteen couple, that he lived hard by, and made a very descent livelihood. The man's countenance was honest and ingenuous; the sun-tinge of labour and the rose of health combined to ani- mate his cheek, I asked him what family he bad. PO THE OBSERVANT ** Onli/ nine yoiinkers, and God knows how many more there might be, for Deame was comely and well- looking, and the best wife in th^ world." I like to hear a man speak well of his wife, for whether she deserves it or not, he is the last person in the world who ought to speak otherwise; for if she is vicious, his prudence and aifectionate attention ought to correct her follies, and if he ca'nt reclaim her, dont let his voice be first heai»d in condemnation ; but my warrener seemed of a different cast, if his face was the index of his heart, and 111 be bound it was. **Well, my honest friend,'* said I, ** I ca'nt be a customer at present, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. ^1 But here*s a shilling, for encourage- ment to the young warrener.'' The boy grinned, doft his ragged straw hat full of corn flowers, and said, heM give it blind grandaddy to keep for him. ** What," said I, ** have you a blind father?" " Yes, indeed, Sir," replied the warrener, "and a sore affliction it is; but we endeavour to make him com- fortable, and he*s very happy, for we all live together, and strive to sup- port him, and somehow, God always sends bread, though we pinch a little in the winter, to be sure." " Yes," ejaculated I to myself, " I am not mistaken ; I thought the fellow had a good heart, the moment I looked at him ; and I had now proved SS THE OBSERVANT it; SO slipping my hand again intd my poeket, I thought, if I dropped the blind man my mite, it would be of more use than my pity, which, God help him, would avail little. The warrener, by his expressions of gratitude, cancelled the boon, and I rode away iu a zephyr of blessings. THE BAROUCHE PABTY, I had not proceeded above two miles, and was slowly ascending a steep hill, when a barouche and four, came dashing post by me; the gen- tleman driver of which, in a tone not the most mild or musical, exclaimed, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 95 ** Yaw np! yaw up! old donkey drone, amble out of my way, you Sir, or I shall drive over you/' I drew Mottle closer to the hedge, not, I confess to accommodate the Jehu, but to save an insolent lash from his long whip, which he was wantonly exercising in every direc- tion. The barouche contained six ladies, all high bred gigglers, for the road echoed with their convulsive peals of laughter. ** Look at Sancho Pancho, yonder," said a bold faced Miss, pointing her finger to me, as the carriage wheel circled slowly up the steep. "La," cried a younger, "look at that funny old fellow upon the ass, 94 THE OBSERVANT what a shame, to make the poor crea- ture drag him along.'* *' I wonder where he's going?" said a third. ** Let's have a bit of fun, and ask him," cried a fourth. " He's some comical quiz," said the barouche driver, peeping at me through his glass, ** he do'nt look like an itinerant." " I dare say, he's one of the Sancho Pancho family,'* resumed the first lady, whose malicious tongue had attacked me ; ** let's ask him a few questions," then reaching her neck out, and beckoning me, " where are you going, master?" said she. " I dont know," replied I. ** Not know," resumed she, burst- ing into a loud laugh, ** what a fool." " If you do'nt know where you're going, who s}iould," said the driver. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 95 " Why not you, even though you were a wizard^" replied I, " neither can you decide your own destination, for, though we all know where we mean to go, v,e cannot tell how con- trary a road fate may lead us." '' Well said, Old Downright," re- plied the driver; " you're witty and, sharp this morning ; you breakfasteU with the knife grinder, I take it; what might he charge for polishing the edge of your understanding." " Rather less. Sir, than be charged you, i^yoii recollect the sum, because your understanding was so much deeper incrusted with fashionable ig- norance, that it was a very blunt job, to render it as sharp and shining as it ought to be," replied I. The ladies looked at each other, in silent astonishment. ©8 THE OBSERVANT ** That's not the language of^^jack^ ass man,'' said the barouche lady; " I wish you'd drive on, my dear, and not subject yourself to insult, from low bred people.** " Pray, friend," resumed Sir Jehu, ** what may you style yourself? ** A gentleman," replied I. ** A jack-ass gentleman you mean, I presume,'' said he. ** Yes," replied I, " a Brighton man of fashion ; there are not only jack-ass men, but jack-ass iUomen there in abun* dance ; aiid who knows, but we may enjoy the reciprocal honor, of bowing to each other on the Steine.*' **/bow to you,** cried Sir Jehu. " Yes, Sir," replied I, " and no disgrace to you, or any man, to bow to the noblest work of God:* Sir Jehu set up an iramoderat# PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 97 laugh, and the ladies joined in the hoot. *' Thou art a nohle piece of me- chanism, indeed," said he, ludicrously surveying me, at which moment, a horse-fly irritating one of the leaders, compelled Sir Jehu to dart forward, without farther exposition of his in- solent arrogance, or displaying the little man, under the cover of ihe great sUrlout, " Mottle," said I, soliloquising^ *' what a scourge of ridicule thou art to me ; this is the sixth time I have been reviled on thy account ; but as the reproof came from a set of asses, less intelligent than thyself, I can forgive it.'* The barouche was soon out of ^ight, and with it vanished the folly VOL. I. F 9B THE OBSERVANT of its passengers, whom I did not doubt meeting again, in the course of my Brighton rambles. NON-INTELLIGENCE. I now jogged on, amidst the per- plexities of meridian heat, and power- ful dust, without meeting any pecu- liar object of attention, till I came within half a mile of Cuckfield ; the Gothic spire of Avhose rustic church, attracting my attention, I enquired of a plough-boy, '* whether that was not Cuckfield^" " What, yon village?" cried he, "oh, Bo! no such a pleace, you be quite wrong." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 9^ " Impossible," replied I, ** for I have travelled the straight London, road ; nay I saw Cuck field on the di- rection post ; and from recollection, Im sure I am right?" ** No, Sir," continued the fellow, shaking his head, " I never heard of such a pleace." *' Why, where do you live?" ask- ed I. *^ Where I was born, Sir." " And where may that be?" said I. " At Cook-JuU, Sir." " Where's that, my honest friend?" " Yonder, where you see the spear of the church, that be Cook-full.''' ^^Oh, well," said I, " I have cooked out my intelligence at last ; poor sense- less sappy, the Lord improve thee, for stupid thou art, and stupid thou'lt ever remain; thou'lt never shine in F 2 100 THE OBSERVANT the character of a sign post, unless its the fool's head. As thus I rumoured, and the loot stood gaping at me, it struck me, he did'nt even know his own name ; so to prove my suggestion. Honesty," said I, *' whafs your name." *' My neame be Phil Doughty," replied he. " How d'ye spell it?" continued I. . ** Do'nt know," replied he, "never tried at it." " What, did you never learn to spell, my good fellow?" *^ Oh, yes, I wor deame Twig's best scholard, when I wor a buoy ; let I see, I do know how to spell Phill, am sure I do ;" so, putting his finger in the palm of his opposite hand, he PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. lOl exclaimed, *' Fee i-l,'' aye, that be right, sure enow, I ruckalacts.'* '' Now speil Doughty*' said I, *' which I much douht you can." *' Dow-dow-dow," repeated he, ** Oh, I can never come that at all, there be no letters to make dow of, to my thinking; so I'll ax feather, wiien I goos whome, and, if so be he cant tell, I'll ax the parish clerk.'' Elate with the idea, he clnraped along, and left me smiling at dame Twigs ingenious pupil, till I reached an inviting, decent-looking inn, at the extremity of this said Cuckfield, alias Cook-full. I halted before the low wi>ite bow window, where the beauty and fra- grance of the nutmeg geranium, the luxuriant orange tree, and the curious f3 102 THE OBSERVANT and beautiful hop plant, so strongly inhaled and attracted my attention, that I determined taking my break- fast in this recess of sweets, rather than to proceed into the village of Cuckfield; so alighting, and consign- ing Mottle to tiie ostler's care, I or- dered my coffee of the civil widow, and her civil daughter. White bright and brown was the neat, snng little parlour, and its em- bellishments, and the repast was ex- cellent ; for every article of provision was good, while hunger and civility both savoured the agreeable meal. A passing goose flapped its white wing, and gave me a peep of willing sociability, (for the door stood open to the road,) but as I did not invite her company, she waddled on, and a PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 103 greyhound, more familiar, made his entree. We were good friewds in a moment; he cast a wishful eye, at the ham and bread and butter, and I gave him more than a dog's share; for why? I remembered, he was the emblem of fidelity, which is a virtue, I most strongly venerate, or he had not shared my bread, or my notice. ■» r-^*»^t »»» THE CAT SOLILOQUY. Haying finished my meal, I saun- tered through the village, to amuse myself, while Mottle took his rest; F 4 J 04 THE OBSERVANT but, I found so little matter of amuse- ment, and so few objects of attraction, that, by way of inspecting the only point of admiration, I walked into the church yard, and surveyed the extreme Gothic structure of the vene- rable pile, to which, a high wind, or tempestuous storm, seemed to threat- en destruction, from its decayed, and leaning state ; from contemplating M hich, I walked round , the rural graves, and read those various in- scriptions, which time had not ef- faced, when the garrulity of an old woman, who was crosh:ing the church path, with a large tortoise-shell cat under lier arm, disturbed my reverie of morality, by her cat soliloquy. *' Do'nt purr at me, Dick, and stick your talents into my apron, to tear it ail to pieces; I'm not likely to ge PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 105 another, when that's gone, I'm sure. No! no! Richard, no dinner for you to-day, poor fellow ; its a great shame ; yes, I know it is; and I'm very sorry, very sorry indeed ; so you must try your luck for a mouse, or a bird; naughty cruel butcher, was'nt he^ Dick." V Now the cat, being hut a cat, made his mistress no reply, and the old wo- man, leering at me as she passed, induced me to enquire, the origin of her soliloquy. " Why, Sir," replied she, '' the but- cher has had a rising of his lights, this morning/' *' That's a very bad thing," said I. " Bad, indeed, Sir,'' repeated she, " for my cat must starve ; he wont cut him less than a pennyworth o. f5 106 THE OBSERVANT lights, tiiough he's made me a half- pennyworth, scores of time&; he'safine cat, Sir, a'nt he? he's the largest, and handsomest in the village ; I was bid half a guinea for him last week ; but lank, I would not sell him, he's one of the best compa?iions I have, and has got as much sense as i/ou or /." There's a pretty degradation, thought I, to have ones understanding, sunk on a level with that of a cat ; but query, how shall I prove the equality? in what scale must I try the balance?. Dick stared at me, with an arch interesting countenance; rubbed his nose sociably against my sleeve, in a sort of dumb petition to my humanity; so, routing out all the halfpence I could muster, I gave them to his mis- tress, to go back, and make the best PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 107 bargain she could ; and the old wo- man, well pleased, trotted along vith her cat, and I returned to my inn ; calculating, I had just fifteen miles to ride, before I greeted my longing eyes with a peep at Old Ocean ; I therefore bid adieu to the civil widow; and Mottle trotted away, as brisk as a bee, and as fresh as a lark. THE CHALK SIFTER. Unbounded and beautifully luxu- riant was the panoramic prospect on either side, till I reached the formida- ble and well-known chalk eminence, called Clayton Hill, at thefoot of which 1 alighted, and turning Mottle adrift, F 6 108 THE OBSERVANT left him to browse his way np th» hill, or nibble the produce of the hedge, whilst I took a peep at the chalk pit, where I found several la- bourers digging, carting, and sifting ; in the latter of which occupation, one poor grey-headed old soul, with no other covering, than about half of a ragged check shirt, and a wretched pair of small-cloathes, without shoe or stocking, was lifting with palsied arm the sifting shovel, which at every pitch through the sieve, almost over- balanced him; anon, he rested on the supporting spade, and stroked the drops of labor, that trickled from the wrinkled channel of his brow, and hung in shining crystals, at the tips of his silver threaded hair ; he was miserably meagre; poverty had, with her rapacious fangs, scraped him to the bone ; his cheek was browu and waa PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 10^ and the larup of nature was sinking fast in its socket ; it wanted the Sa- maritan's wine and oil to revive it. I asked him if he had not a parish to relieve him? he said, '* yes, but that while he could crawl about, and earn his pittance, he did not like to be burthensome ; he was only seveyiiy- seven, his father was ninety-seven; but he did not wish his thread to spin so long, because he felt, that somehow, he grew injirm,'' Ah, well he might, at that great age, still toiling in the noon-day heat ; the sight roused my feeling; I gave him a trifle, and turned away to hide my weakness. 110 THE OBSERVANT THE THORN. Mottle had by this time got half way up the hill, and was groping his nose amongst some logs of timber, opportunely placed by the side of the road, to relieve the traveller, and here I made bold to rest my panting form, .and enjoy the prospect, M^hich is en- chanting to the eye of contemplation ; but the wind being as usual on this spot, remarkably high, and boister- ous, took the liberty of carrying* away my hat, quite down into the valley, where several labourers were cutting the new road, to evade this formidable ascent, so laborious to men and beast. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. Ill Away it rolled in circling eddies, till it reached the bottom of the slope, where a little bare-foot girl, who was supplying the labourers with beer Id a keg, picked it up, and brought it me back ; in doing which, she unfor- tunately ran a thorn in her foot, which, I with much difficulty, per- suaded her to let me extricate with my tweazers, not that she minded, or feared the pain, but she was bashful to strangers ; however, we managed it very dextrously, and a cobweb off the hedge, bound on with a reed, soon stopped the blood, which the thorn had occasioned; but had she had one in her hearty it had not been so easily extricated, for it would have waged war against nature, and gained the mastership. So having turned surgeon, as ex- 112 THE OBSERVANT pertly as my abilities would give me leave, and rewarded the girl for the pain and trouble I had unintention- ally been the cause of, she limped back, and the old adage of an "ill wind,'^ instantly crossed my imagina- tion, with a query attached to it, in the present case, for it had blown neither me or my hat any good ; on the contrary, it had lightened my pocket, dirtied and deranged the shape of my hat, and caused the la- cerating of the girl's foot; so how was it? I could not comprehend; and therefore, I banished the idea, that I might not be troubled by its dis- cussion, in my pericranium. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 113 EGG TEARS, By the time I had gained the sum- mit of the hill, I remounted Mottle, and descended its long declivity for about two miles, (admiring the ver- dant upland, on whose summit the sheep scarce bigger than maggots, seemed browzing iu the sky ; while on the other side, the reapers in the gol- den valley of luxuriant corn, were nearly as diminutive,) 1 passed a very pretty, rosy, blue-eyed boy, with a basket of broken eggs, over which he was crying bitterly, and smearing hi« tears on his jacket sleeve. 3 14 THE OBSERVANT " Oh ! ho !" said I '' how happened this sad job ? "The wind did it," replied the sob- bing boy. *' You're a sad rogue," answered 1 ; ** I'm sure yon are telling a falsity; if you had carried that basket steady upon your arm, as you do now, the wind could not break eggs ; so tell nie the truth ; come, sir, lookup, and tell me the whole story; I've got a terrible sharp, tough, ground-ash stick, that will so sting boys who tell fibs ; so own the truth directly." This tremendous threat happened to take effect, for the boy was too young to be as insolent aud auda. cioiis as most boys are, now-a-days ; for he did not appear above six years old, and after hesitating, and leering fearfully at me, and then on the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 115 gi'ound, he stammered out the fol- lowing apology for the accident. " I could not help it ; the wind blowed the basket over upon the hill, yonder." •* And what was you doing the while? what did you set the basket down for?" ** To run after two butterflies.'* ** And you caught neither, I hope?" " No, they flied over the hedge." ** I'm glad of it ; well, and what next?" '* Why, I got into the hedge, to look for a biro's nest?' '' " And did you find one?" "No, Sir.''* *'So much the better, you naughty wicked child, to dare kill two inno- cent butterflies; I wish they could have Strang you ; and then you wanted Il6 THll OBSERVANT to rob the bird of her nest ; you're a mighty pretty fellow indeed ; and, so while you was trying to do all this mischief, the wind upset the egg basket, ah?"/ *^ Yes, Sil*," and again his rosy face shone in tears, like a lovely April morn. " And, where are you going Sir- rah?" continued I, my terrific ground- ash still quivering in my hand, to the dismay of the culprit ** I'm going home to Patcham ; I rode in the harvest waggon to the Friar's Oak, to fetch the eggs, and mother said, I must w»lk home.'* '' What, does your mother sell eggs?'" **Yes, Sir, and bacon, and beef, sometimes." A way-bit house, thought I, where PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 117 I may refresh Mottle, and brush my own coat, as well as hi§ ; so mount- ing the young dog and his basket upon the ass, for it was a long walk for such a baby ; I promised, as he had told me the truth, to makepeace between him and his mother, who he said would beat him sadly ; however, as I knew the best method of appeas- ing her wrath, and did not feel like the child, whose anticipated thrash- ing, I suffered to work upon his mind, by way of punishment, till we reached his mothers door, by alternately walking and riding ; but dismount- ing him and his basket, before I reached the house, I entered alone, to break open my disastrous narra tive, and appease the burst of anger, before the object came in sight. With this precaution, I stopped at 118 THE OBSERVANT the door, to which the child directed me, and a very neat, decent woman, Came out to know my pleasure, " Hostess," said I, ** we must re- ciprocally endeavour to please each other ; you look of a forgiving temper, and I hope you are," The woman stared; " I believe you're a widow?'' continued I, " Lauk, Sir, who told you so.?'* " A traveller, who guided me here, for a mug of your ale, and as good a luncheon as your house can afford,*' The widow curtsied ; begged ]'d alight, assured me she had an excel- lent ham, and expected some new laid eggs home every moment; saying which, she spread her hand over her eyes, to look up the road, for her mutilated expectation; but the sly PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 119 rogue had skulked behind the hedge, to wait my beckon. " Talking of eggs," said I, as we entered the house, *' I have met the loveliest boy I ever saw, a little rosy- cheeked fellow in a straw hat, and a brown pincloth, with a basket; the sort of child its impossible to be angry with, if you look in bis engag- ing face; for its a cast of countenance, that says, '* kiss and forgive me, T am but a baby, such as you was once yourself." *' Very true, Sir," replied the wi- dow, *' but ivhat of i\ie boy you met. Sir? my boy's got a straw hat, and plump red cheeks, had he got my eggs. Sir ?" ** Not exactly," replied 1, "• he had had eggs in his basket, but when I saw him, there were only shells left/ 120 THE OBSERVANT " Shells/' repeated the widow, in consternation, ** as sure as I live, its my boy.'* ** Well, supposing it is, he is a very handsome boy, and does you great credit; and if he has met with an ac- cident, he is but a baby, he must be forgiven ; you must not be angry, and I must repair the damage; now that sets all to rights in a moment, with* out a wry word on the subject; only let me recommend you, to avoid dis- appointment another time, by giving such a brittle errand to a grown per- son, instead of a child ; who incau- tiously, to rest himself, set down the basket on a slope, which the wind overturned; but I have wiped his tears, and brought him home safe upon my donkey." The widow thanked me for my ci- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 1^1 ^vilify, and giving her two shillings, for the damage of the eggs, dispelled the cloud of anger, that had risen on her brow, and darted like a flash of lightning, through the orbits of her sharp black eyes. I beckoned iny pensioner ; he en- tered, all tears and penitence; begged his mother's pardon ; made a vast number of pye-crnst promises, of future obedience and attention ; and thanked me, in terms so gentle and direct, that I heartily forgave him, though I'm convinced his mother would'nt, had she stood to the damage of the eggs ; such are the operations of nature, on different subjects ; but if I had been his mother, I should most probably, have thought as she did. VOL. I. G 1£2 THE OBSERVANT Some ale, bam, and a home-made loaf, furnished me a very good meal; and after the refreshment of washing 1)3 y face, smoothing my wig, and brushing my hat and coat, I found myself in very comfortable trim, to make my Brighton entree, in fashion- able style ; so shaking hands with my little egg boy, and bidding him not forget my injunction, never to destroy a bird's nest, or kill a harm- les?s butterfly, I bid adieu to the lowly • village of Patchara, and paced gently on till the majestic dome of the royal stables, that pre-eminently surmounts the roof of the pavilion, first attracted my eye, and almost persuaded me, I was in the vicinity of St. Paul's, as I had not travelled this road since its Section ; consequently, I was at a loss to know what object I was advancing too, till informed by a reaper; so PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 123 ambling along by the new built pa- rade, and riding school, I found my- self in a new workl, and was going my usual round at the back of the pavilion, v/hen a wide formidable iron railing crossing the road, pre- cluded Mottle's foot from advancing another step. *' You must go round," said the sentinel ; ".you can't pass here.' "How! which way?" asked I. *' By the royal stables yonder, and the new theatre." " Thank'ye, friend,*' replied I; " I am quite a novice, and out of my ele- ment ; here are so many alterations and improvements, I am quite be- wildered;" so, thanking him for his civil information, I turned back, and soon found myself in my old favorite spot, of North Street ; where, leaving G 2 124 THE OBSERVANT Mottle at comfortable quarters, I went in search of some for myself; and, as it forcibly struck me, a board- ing house was the best convenience for a single man, and might afford me much amusement, in the com- panions I should meet with, I called on Mrs. ■ ; we settled terms in five minutes, and at four o'clock, I agreed to take my seat at her table d'hote. THE SHELL-ROAR. This preliminary adjusted, away I brushed to the beach, to inhale the ma- rine breezes, and meditate on the glo- rious expanse of Old Ocean's lucid 1*EDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 125 waves of rich transparent green, that dashed its curling foam, in diamond sparkles on the pebbly shore ; where the surf-strewn sea-weed, in abundant heaps lay scattered ; amidst whose briny produce, sat a little cottage girl, with a lap full of shells, the largest of which, a sort of king- conch, I applied to her ear. " Hark," said I ; the little creature listened attentively ; then scrambling hastily up, in seeming affright, she threw it down, and appeared to view it with terror. " Its alive," said she, " why does it roar at me?" I was now convinced it was the first time she had ever tried the effect ; for she put every other shell to her ear in the same manner; but, not l^d THE OBSERVANT hearing the noise, from any other species, shecahnly crunnpled them up in her frock ; though no persuasion could induce her to touch the king- conch ; but, I determined she should 'tibt leave me under the idle impres* sion of fear and folly; I seated mj'- self on the steps of a machine, and taking her on my lap, seduced her to ethe compliance, of again putting it to Jher ear, by telling her, it was a cu- triom pretty play-thing, and con- vincing her, it contained nothing buft sound ; as the chiUrs timidity had actually caused her to imagine the shell contained some hidden monster^ which would fly out to devour her; and, natural enough was the suppo- sition to an infant mind ; for though it made me laugh, it caused her a shower of tears, to concpier the pre- possession ; however, at last, with the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 127 shell in one hand, and a penny in the other, she trotted home to her cottage on the cliff, to surprise and amuse others, as I had taught her ; so easy is it to inculcate courage, by remov- ing prejudiced ideas, which alone instigate timidity. THE FAT FAMILY. I had not sat long, before I des- cried a pleasure-boat full of company, advancing, or rather labouring to gain the shore, against both wind and tide; so, knowing they would land at the pier, I quitted my seat, and bent my steps thither; a fisherman sat mend- ing his net, and placing myself on e4 I,^^ THE OBSERVANT the e^id of a boat, by feis side; 1 watched the arrival of the party, Vk'hich coasisted of a fat lady, a fat gentleman, two fai daughters^ two faJL sons, and a fat dog, The sailors exerted their strength and agility, but the waves were rude and formidable, and repelled the boat with much agitation, '* Get me on shore, get me on shore," screamed the fat lady, *"Tis impossible,'' said the sailor, with ail oath, as he turned his quid, " we sha'nt make land this half hour." ** But I'm so sick," continued the lady. '' I can*t help that, Ma'am," an- swered the sailor very composed. ** Bung your eye again, Ma'am,*^ PEDESTRIAN MOaNTED. 129 cried the sailor, who steered the rudder. " Why, d n it," exclaimed the impatient little fat man, " we have all bunged, haven't we, and we're none the better, I'm just as sick as my wife," saying which, he caught hold of the mast, and no sooner said, than verified his words, much to the dismay of his fat daughters, whose cobweb dresses suffered by the unexpected influx. " This comes of bunging, as you call it," said one of the sons ; ** 1 thought how it would be, when you tucked in such a lot of goose-pye be- fore yott set off." *' Your Pa is quite disgusting,"' cried the fat lady, clinging tight to her daughters, *' Oh, Jemima-Matilda- Caroliua-Francisco, how sick I am 5 g5 ISO; THE OBSERVANT Louisa- Charlotta- Juliana-Cecelia, my dear creature, hold my head." The boat heaved; the lady heaved; need I say more? no, silence augers both consent and comprehension. " All hands to the pump there,'' exclaimed the sailor; **myeye, Ma'am, youVe in for't ; nevermind, it will clear decks. ' This rough joke of the sailor roused the little fat man from his quarters, to assist his wife; " Polly, cried he, giving her a shake, "how be you now, my duck?" ** Dont Polly me, for God's sake, Jonathan Gadfly, I wish I was a duck that I could but swim ashore : humph ! Polly indeed! Polly, as jou call her, is in a pretty cityvation^ we have come to Brighton for summut, I dare PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 131 say we shall be drowned, and le^Ve all our bones to moulder in the chui^ch yard." " You'll more likely make a goose and brandy bolus for the fish,'* said her fat son. *' I'm sure we have had a wretched disagreeable sail," said Miss Louisa- Charlotta - Juliana - Cicelia - Gadfly, " what, between one thing, and t'other thing, I wivsh I was at home." At length the boat grappled the pier, much to the joy of all parties, and the two sons hamled out the young ladies, pouting and growling, while poor Mamma, supported by the sailors, was bundled on the pier. '* Come along, Polly, my duck, lay hold of my arm," said Mr. Gadfly. ** If you call me Pollyj once more, g6 1S2 THE OBSERVANT Jonathan Gadfly, I wont stir a peg," cried Mrs. Gadfly; " Polly at Hors- leydown, and Polly at Brighton, are two different people ; why dont you give me your arm, dont you see I'm sinking." *' My dear ! my dear ! Vm as sick and as s tagger y as yourself,'* replied Mr. Gadfly ; " we wont have no more sea excursions, Mrs. Gadfly; I'm done up." " I don't think its a genteel way of spending our money," continued Mrs. Gadfly, " for Tve never seen nothing but a set oi footmen, and mop-squeed- gers, going in sailing parties ; people of rank, or more properly speaking, rankified folks, knows better, and we shall be wiser for the future, Jona- than." "Yes, my duck, most likely, after we've paid for' t,'' replied the little fat PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 135 man ; so tucking arm in arm, away they staggered ; the sailors moored the pleasure boat, and my watch warned me to depart, towards the ♦board of provision, where I antici- pated fresh source of observant amuse- ment; for, in fact, I had made choice of a boarding-house, in preference to an inn, on that very account. %%%» raising hope, and depressing expecta- tion,) I recognized the Gadfly family, who had ail put in for a silver snuff- box, and a gold watch chain. ** Cross your legs, Jonathan, for luck," buzzed Mrs^. Gadfly, in the ear of her husband. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED, 157 ^^ No, my duck, I've just seen the new moon^ and spit in my lejt hand^ we shall be sure to vin sumniit,'' *' So I think," resumed Mrs. Gad- fly, with a simper of anticifmtion, " for I dreamed about inguns last night, and my left eye itches like be- witched/' *' Shush, man," exclaimed Miss Je- mima - Matilda - Carolina - Francisca, (who had christened herself a fort- night before her arrival, though her real name was Fanny,) " its very odd you will mortify one to death, by talking such nonsense about your luck, I dare say we shall win nothings you make such a fuss/^ **^I'm sure, if we don't ivin nothing amongst none of us, I shall bloiv-np a bit, I assure you,'* said Mr. Gadfly. ** Then Fm sure you shall blow* \ip by yourself, for I won't stand the 1^8 THE OBSERVANT' disgrace of it, in such a place as this/* replied the indignant daughter, who with her sister, bounced immediately out of the library. " Never mind their airs," resumed Mrs. Gadfly, *' let's you and T, my dear, squeedge up close, and see fair play." One shilling was exactly wanting to complete the subscription, and as for frolic and curiosity I had taken a seat at the table, it struck me, I could do no less than suljjoin my luck, ac- cordingly I took up the paper, and eh-* tered myself as *' Sancho-Pancho." The group of expectants were twenty four, and several quizzical titles had been drawn, at length the dealer pronounced ** Cupid. ^' *; That's me," exclaimed Mr. Gadfly, ■A PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. \60 *'and the four of spades immediately fell to the name. ** Consume it," cried he, " Polly, what d'ye think of that?*' Mrs» Gadfly, seein,^ the company laugh, gave him a kick of the shin. *' Odd-rabbit it, what d'ye kick my gouty shins for, what good will that do,'' exclaimed he. *' Venus,'' vociferated the dealer. "That's me, that's me," exclaimed Mrs. Gadfly, in an extacy, which the fall of the three of diamonds banished in a moment, and lier enraged hus- band trod upon her foot. ** Oh, my bunyon, my bunyon/* exclaimed Mrs. Gadfly. *' Silence," vociferated the party concerned, and the dealer made a stop, and recounted the cards, to see iQO THE OBSERVANT all was right, while the poor agonized lady, sat screwing faces, with her foot in her lap, listening with breath- less expection for the nomination of Pam, attached to the titles of her daughters. Three more cards were nnsucc^s- fully turned up, and the dealer next called *' Minerva.'' " That's my darter Louisa-Char- lotta-Juliana- Cecelia's," cried Mrs. Gadfly, darting up out of her chair, to witness the fail of the provoking deuce of clubitj. ** Deuce take it, 1 never, no never, seed nothing to come up to it, deuce take it," exclaimed she. " The deuce has taken it you see, Ma'am," replied a young hoaxing col- legiao. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. l6i " The Devil you meaa," cried the enraged Mr. Gadfly. " How those people disturb the ratBe," said a voice, which on turning niy head, ] discovered to be niy new companion, Mr. Mumble, who, rap- ping his cane on the table, called to order, and silence ensued, till '^Jimo* was called. ** Tiiat's ray father darter, by Jidgo," said Mr. Gadfly, **now for't," the seven of hearts spanked upon the table, and petrified the seniors of the unlucky family; two cards followed, and only three more remained in the pack, when again the dealer vocife- rated ** Sancho-Pancho,'' obedient to whose call, Pam instantly made his obeisance, and every eye fixed its malignant glance of vexation on me. *' That's ai d d pretty hoax,'* ex- claimed Mr. Gadfly, *' I thought how. I6f THE OBSERVANT it would be; however, 111 Sanker Panker it next time, and then see who'll dare cheat me/* ** But if you do adopt the name, Sir, you may not win," replied the dealer, laughingly, *' for who could help it." " What,'' continued Mr. Gadfly, *' not claim the prize if it come to my shear r **Oh yes. Sir, undoubtedly; but not if it did'nt fall to Sancho Pancho.** "Then, Sir,r resumed Mr. Gadfly, •Mn that case, I contend, that Sanket Panker has no right to it now ; no^ Sir, no right at all.'^ **My dear Sir," said I, '' you totally miscomprehend the matter ; will you give me leave to explain ?" ** No, Sir," answered he, " I want none of your explanations, you've dished me and my darters out of the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED, 16$ box and the gould chain, and that's enough for you.'* This rhapsody of passion set the whole library in a peal of laughter, which so irritated the little fat man> and his little fat wife, that they wad- dled off home; Jonathan Gadily snap* ping his fingers in the dealer's face, and exclaiming to wife, '* come along^ Polly, never mind, they shan't cheai us again in a hurry.'^ The chain and box were now wrapped up and handed to me, who I believe, was the only votary of for- tune, who did not expect her favour ; but so it was, and of course I was well pleased: the company soon after dispersed, and I and Mr. Mumble walked home together, laughing at Mr. Gadfly's " blow-up,'' as he called 164 THE OBSERVANT it^ though Mr. Mumble, who loved to be witty, observed, it was a mere fly-blow, towards which, by the bye, he had paid a shilling, but what then, he had enjoyed a good twelvepenny- worth of diversion, at the expence of a man to whom it had cost four times* as much* THE PIC-Nie*S. When wegot home to the boarding- house, I found the cloth spread, and the assembling group, individually supplying their own bon bouche; for as many declined the repast, the re- gular system of supper, consisted merely of the loaf, cheese, and beer, f»EDESTRIAN MOUNTED. l65 # of which each partook, according to their pleasure ; but, as I was not fond of a carpenters supper, it did not suit my epicurism; and glad was I to find myself at liberty to provide my own morceau, for which meal, as a pro- fessed supperist, I would forego the whole day's repast, though many of my refined friends, laugh at the vul- garity of my taste; let them laugh, and me be gratified, then I shall laugh too, and be pleased into the bargain. The genteel Mr. Allblack too, seemed peckish ; he enquired, if it was possible to get any &ZacA'-pud- dings, but being assured there were none to be had, he stretched his list- less form at the open window, and sat whistling black-eyed Susan. 16(5 THE OBSERVANT My friend Mumble was now hand- ed a very nice lobster, which he had bought of famous Thomas Gunn, and very civilly, as a stranger to the fa- fnily arrangement, offered me a por- tion, which I gladly accepted. Miss Starch sat picking and minc- ing a small crab; the Misses Look- outs, were too elegant to partake any hing but cakes, jelly, and soda- water; Mr. and Mrs. Supple enjoyed the relish of a little pigeon- pye ; the languishing widow partook of an Ita- lian Bologna, and a glass of white spruce ; old Madam Mocaba pawed over a currant tart with her snuffy fingers, offering to every body, what nobody would have touched, to pre- vent which from disagreeing with her stomach, she washed it down with plenty of strong brandy and water ; PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. l67 the pock-fretten widower was in his element, over a large mouldy Che- shire cheese ; while Mr. Fiz-^ig, Mr. All-dash, Mr. Go-it, and Mr.Twirlem, were gone to the rendezvous, to par- take of wine and sandwiches with the officers, "Who's for the beach to-raorrow at eight o'clock, to see the female swimmer?" cried Mr- Allblack, "she's a develish fine woman.; shall you be there, Miss Starch?'^ " No, Sir, I shall not,*' replied the indignant virgin, " nor any modest woman, I should suppose,'^ " Oh, we shall go, by all means,^* cried Miss Look-out, " I should like to see her swim prodigiously." " May be, you mean to take a lesson, * said Miss Starch, simpering. " Oh, ho," cried the widower, "Tm 168 THE OBSERVANT glad I know it, HI be up to that gam- mon, depend upon it'' " No doubt," replied Allblack, '* if you don't understand gammon^ who should, when you've been in the trade all your life, and had three wives/' *' Mercy, Sir, you're Jialf a Blue- JBeard,'\ exclaimed the widow Try- again. "Oh no, only a ^re^^-beard yet,*' resumed Allblack, ** look at his whisk- ers, and his white pig-tail." *' Badges of honor,** exclaimed Mr. Mumble, " emblems of respect, every man of sense, bows with civility to grey hairs, if they spring from the brow of a worthy man.*' « Very just, very true,>» cried Mrsv Mocaba, replenishing her bottle- shaped snub, with a potent pinch of siiufF. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTEO. iQft ^%t>%*-%w%^ MR. SUPPLE'S WICr. ** LAUK-a-daisy, how purdigious hot it is," said Mrs. Supple to her hus- band, as she screwed her dry -rubber into the size of a cricket-ball, to ab- sorb the dew of mastication, that spun through the pores of her purple cheeks, the effects of peppered pigeon-pye and porter. ** It is wiolently hot my dearee," replied her lovingly-assenting spouse, and off he whipped his flaxen bob, and gave it a twirl of refreshment, much to the disgust of Misses Look- out, who curled their noses, and ap- plied their aromatic vinagrelles, as VOL. I. I }Sfi THE OBSERVANT antidotal to a bald-head effluvia, arising from a potent carotty soil. ** D n it," exclaimed Mr. All- black, (putting his black mouchoir de poche to his olfactory nerve,) ''what a most horrible smell her« is; it's worse than carrion, be-gad." *' Oh, shocking," said the widow, pinching her picked projection. *^ Why, I smells nothing,'' said Mr. Supple, still flirting his wig in uni- versal annoyance. *' Nor 1 neither, don't smell no- thing,'' replied Mr. Mumble, "but something offensive I certainly do smell; my good friend Supple, let me advise you to put your wig on, oryou'll catch a dreadful cold with the night air." The placid Mr. Supple obeyed Mr, Mumble's requisition. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 171 '* I don't smell any thing now^'* said Miss Look-out, winking at the widow, who fantastically replied, *^ oh no, not now Mr. Supple has put his wig on." ** Oh, a frowsey wig is as bad as a pig-trough," cried Miss Starch, " my dear Mr. Supple, why dont you have it perfumed ?" ^* Why, I did have it rubbed with essence the very day before I came down here," cried Mr. Supple. *' With essence of carrots, I pre- sume," said Mr. Allblack, '' fough ! Tm poisoned ; d me here's five shillings towards a subscription for a new one." ** Why, if you must know the truth," replied Mr. Supple, ** it blew off the bench of the machine into the sea, while I was bathing this morn- ing, so I suppose that's the reason.'^ : I 2 J72 THE OBSERVANT ' f.^VThen purify it to-morrow, for heaven's sake," cried the widow, tak- ing up her night candle to retire, which gave a signal for a general bon soir. •a shall, I shall," cried Mr. Supple; ** I mean to hang it out of window all night." *' A devilish good plan," replied Allblack ; who, with some laughable project in his head, that emanated it- self on his countenance, brushed off to bed, and I followed his ex- ample. «>V%'*^'W%> THE TICKLER. The moment I opened my eyes the next morning, I dressed, and set off for the beach; the sun was refulgent, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 173 the lazy shop-keepers had only re- moved one partial shatter, to admH light enough to arrange their bou- tiques ; so that North Street, literally looks as if the plague reigned till nine o'clock ; when, out they pop ungar- tered, like a pack of slovens ; some for hot rolls, to lay a foundation for the fatigues of the day ; others scam- pering to the post-office, for letters of love, or interest, vv^here they tight and wrangle for about an hour ; however, as I had no letter in expectation, I pursued my way to the beach, where I saw many pantalooners thronging, some for diversion, some for neces- sity. ! c »- • I was sauntering leisurely stlo^ig', when who should I meet, coining out of the chemist's shop, but ray com*- panion Allblack ; who, catching hoM i3 174 THE OBSERVANT of my button, pinned me against the wall, 2Mid thus whispered in mine car. ** Not a syllable of what Vm going to tell you, upon any account,'^ I nod- ded obedience to his secret injunc* lion. **What d'ye think I've got in my pocket, eh?" ** It's impossible for me to guess," replied I, ** something as quizzical as yourself, I presume*" •* You're right, and a devilish good quiz it i«; Tve got old Supple^s wig in my pocket, which I'm going to rub well, all over the caul with cow^ itch; and, if the efiect don't cause him to buy a new one, I don^t know what will ; egad, I took the hint last night, of its being dangled out of window, and there I found it this PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 175 morning ; so, tyeing my hooked stick to the end of another, and the said caxon being pinned to the end of a towel, which was fastened by the closure of the window-frame, I hitch* ed it off in a moment; popped it into my pocket ; have supplied myself with the tickling article, and am going into an empty machine, to perform the operation ; I shall then in ray way home, drop it on the Steine, and re- turning to breakfast, enjoy the rumpus its loss will create,'* 1 could not forbear smiling at his project, and we parted, he to the a<:tiou of his frolic, and I to see 14 15fj6 THE OBSEHVAN'F THE YELLOW FiSH. Whom I found swimming within J&fty yards of the shore, in every pos- ture and direction, while the beach rung with plaudits, at the dexterity of her movements ; the ladies leered under their poke bonnets, from whose lips, the word '^ sliayneV resounded, iu unison with the clapping of hands. As this aquatic votary approached i\\^ shore, which she repeatedly did, her features were perfectly discerna- ble, and were avowedly very hand- some; lier dress was composed of yellow camblet, and her hair platted in braids round her head, and con- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 17? fined only with a comb ; and thus at- tired, this blooming nymph sported on the surface of the waves, to incite curiosity, and establish her notoriety, much to the dfsgmst of every female distinguished by virtue or rank. She had continued her marine sports full an hour, whefl the per- suasions of the bathers induced her to return to her machine, when hav- ing dressed herself in most elegant and attractive dishabille, she de- scended the steps, and walked slowly up the beach, receiving on all sid^^^ the flattering encomiums ol the idle observers. I5 17S THE OBSERVANT THE MARINE BACCHUS. '* La, how d ye do?" (said a pale- faced lady of fantasticality, metamor- phosed from a gouvernante, to an ex- travagant ivife, come down to Brigh- ton to give herself airs, and dip her little skinney progeny ; who, im- bronzed by the sun, and sallowed by the sea- water, looked like scalded gooseberries,) " how d ye do ! Vm glad to see you, do call on us at the Blue and Buff houses ; see how my George comes on ; the bather always says, ** here comes Bacchus, bless his sweet face, a great fat fellow,'' *' Which of your children is that?'* u^ived I, (gazing on the little skinney ' ^^ I. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 179 imp who Stood beside me, Witb a brown scahhy face, green nose, and gingerhread-g armed mouth, but in rain I looked for any thing like Bacchus,) " Why, this is George," resumed the lady, " I don't wonder at your not knowing the boy, he is ^o improved ^ every body admires him." ** Vm sure Tm very happy to hear it,", replied I, shaking hands, (for less I could not do,) which so affronted master Bacchus, that he cocked his piekedrpointed elbow at me, and set up such a squall, that I wished the lady good morning, and left her to quiet the turbulent storm I had unconsciously raised, producing sounds very disso- nant to my ear ; but as this part of the beach is sacred to the female bathers, common decency, and com- iBon sense, induced me to turn my steps towards the male district, as 180 THE OBSERVANT every other man had done, the mo- ment the aquatic amusement of the yellow fish ceased. ■WWVX'WW* PICKLED SALMON. I had not long taken a seat at the foot of the pump, that supplies the hot and cold baiths, (where one of the bathers was hangii»g out the flannel dresses to dry,) when a noisey whist- ling ostler, who v^as riding a horse into the sea, passed close under the pier, laughiijg and hollowing to the pumpers, whom he jeered, as having got a rare tight job such a hot morn- ing; /The men advised faim to look to Aifwsi^y; observing, he seemed to have PEDESTRIAN MOUNtED. 58! got a mettlesome customer, whom they betted him a pint of beer he did not manage. ** I'll shew you that," re{>]ied the dauntless marine jockey, endeavour- ing to make the animal face the wave, but in vain ; he reared, snorted, pranced with evident signs of terror unconquerable; but, the rider having a sharp spur, at length backed him into the sea, till a high wave passing over the horse's back, he gave a vio- lent plunge, and his feet slipping, threw Him pli^nap'on his sidie,^ and man and horse both disappeared for several seconds. The pumpers burst into i roar of laughter; they shouted exultation; thfe horse soon extricated himself; but the strength of the wave repelled 182 THE OBSERVANT the rider, who was iinmerged several minutes, to the. diversion of the ob- servers ; at length, scrambling on the beach, he reniounted, in his dripping condition, bitterly execrating the poor terrified animal, on whom he Vowed- vengeance next time, and rode swear-, ingand grumbling back to the stables.: '< Why, I «ay Jem Salm<>n, jou're t&xe\y pickledy' cried the; female ba- ther, holding her fat sides, and laughs ing immoderately. An ^u^i»te»iiQRal (btwft teofe ithonght) ** Why, cockey," said a sailor, as he passed;, ** you've had a rum dip." ^ s*- Yes,** cried Jem Saltnopv " and now rH go /;a* person must have handled the wig, and perhaps danger* ously infected it, he therefore advised \i\m by all means to burn it ** What, after paying Jive sJdllings &r it," said Mr. Sitpple, " no, nOy PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 187 (Jon't 'ye believe it," and off be twit- ched it again. " Pray, Sir,'' cried Miss Starchy (pouting her chin three inches farther,) ** don't lay your wig on the table- cloth, consider the indelicacy ; the danger; it's really quite an emetic breakfast, what with siinelh and doubts^ who knows where the Jiit/ty thing has been." This reproof kept the poor sufferer quiet for a few minutes; but as the trouble still encreased, he expedi* tiously finished his breakfast; and> bolting out of the room, declared he would go instantly to the doctor, for he could bear it no longer. This laughable hoax enjoyed by Mr. AUblack, and known only to myself, passed muster extremely well| IBB TPIE OBSERVANT aiid each .separated to pursue their morning amusements, in this kill- time region of indolence ; but, as I did not wish to encourage Mottle in laziness, nor adopt the principle my- self, I resolved taking a ride for the benefit of us both ; and accordingly set off for a gentle jog to THE DEVIL'S DYKE. Pacing along this solitary road^ for a prospect and a breeze, I met only two carriages containing human beings, coming from the dyke ; so, that as I gazed around me, I saw no- thing but the ocean, the corn-fields, and the sky; with the exception of a few grazing sheep and cattle ; even the mill did not turn, nor was the mil- PEDESTRIAK MOUNTED. 189 ler visible ; so I had only to imagine myself at the world's end, after the reign of the plague. I talked to Mottle; but he could not answer me; a sky-lark indeed warbled a dulcet song over my head, as much as to say, *^ Til keep you company;" I listened with delight; 'twas the happy song of liberty ; *•' sweet bird," said I, as it winged its way, "'tis not every body pays so much attention to thy harmony ; to me 'tis heavenly melody, to thee the gift of nature, whereby to delight the soul of sensibility; for thou might whistle to many, till thy little throat burst, without receiving one enco- mium, unless it pleased the sense of thy auditor; but suffice, thou hait charmed me, and beguiled my dreary ride, for a dreary ihought it was to 190 THE OBSERVANT know oneself in the high-road to the Devil's Domain, the summit of which, I soon after gained; but, the wind as usual, was so powerful, I could in fact, neither ride or walk without danger; therefore, taking a transient view of its enchanting prospect, I de- scended this magic eminence very chilly, though a dog-day morning, I had passed the gap about half a mile, in my way home, when a grey- headed shepherd offered me some wheat-ears, which his little grandson carried in bunches across a, long stick, to the amount of seven or eight dozen. ** My good friend," said I, " I have neither spit, gridiron, or frying-pan at my command, so what w\\\ the wheat-ears avail me? I can't be a cus- tomer if I would ; but, I can reward PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 19 1 yoinv industry, if you'll accept a shining." The shepherd bowed gratefully ; said he was just come over the downs, where he had been baiting his horse- hair traps, and if please God, much company came along to the Dyke, he ^Jiould be very lucky that morning, I asked him the price ; he told me '*two shillings." *' I have known them much less," replied I. '' Yes, Sir, no doubt, I have sold' them myself many years agone, for sixpence ; aye, and 1 have bought many a good wheaten loaf at the same price; but, though there's as much corn now, and as many wheat-ears as ever, you see how the world changes; 1^2 THE OBSERVANT all I yearn goes now in flour ; so, if I had'nt a bit of a garden for a few taters and inguns, we should never know the taste of any thing but bread, for me^t we never see, and cheese is like good luck, comes sloiv and sel- dom \ but we've a famous spring of water hard by; I wish times may mend, but I fear my poor dim eyes will never be open to sec it." Such was the wheatearian's re- cital, whose palsied head, bowed me a reverential adieu as I rode away, musing on the extreme inequality of human existence. l*EDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 195 THE MUSHROOM PICKER. SflEwas scrambling upon her knees, and gathering the largest mushrooms I ever saw ; a ragged basket stood by her side, (amidst innumerable lumps of chalk, that had been scattered over the land,) but the basket was not half so ragged as the girl, for she had only a chemise, and about half a flannel petticoat, that displayed the calf of a ruddy leg, adorned by neither shoe or stocking, and her matted hair hung dishevelled round her face, unshaded by cap or bonnet. ** Poor wretched imp of misery /• VOL. I. K 194 THE OBSERVANT thought I, *^ is it thus thou earn'st thy daily crumb?" I stopped my donkey, and I beck- oned to the girl. " What are you going to do with those mushrooms?" " Carry them to Shoreham, to the farm house, for catchup," said the girl. *' And what are you to have for them?" " A groat, and a pan of broth ; mother lays-in.^' Tiiis speech struck the drum of my ear with double vibration ; '' what's your father ?" asked I. " Feather's a hedger." " How much does he earn?" PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 19i " Four shillings a week." *' How many brothers and sisters have you, child ?' ** Eleven, and grand-dad meakes ttvehe.'" I sat petrified ; at length I ventured to enquire what her grand-dad v/as. " He's a shepherd,"* said the girl, *' and catches wheat-ears ; he's gone up to some company at the dyke, he s got a mort heap ta day ; but, I must go home now my basket's full, for mother will want the broth ; for Nelly, and Joe, and Dick, and Mary, and Bob, and Alice, and Jem, and George, and Margaret, was all a crying when I come out, because they was so hungry/' " Merciful God," ejaculated I, *' what a flock of starved lambs." k2 196 THE OBSERVANT I drew a little piece frora my pocket, it shone with a peculiar ray of benevolence, or else I fancied so, ** and thou shalt be devoted to that purpose," said I, as I dropped it into the girl's hand, bidding her run home and give it her mother; so scrambling up her baket, she set off at full speed, in possession of what, I'll be bounds she never had been before. A BLUE DEVIL. *' Miller," said I, (as he led his horse down from the mill, laden with a sack of flour, on which he mount- ed himself,) '' it's a fine morning." ** I wish I could think so," an- swered he, churlisly ; now the fellow possessed that forbidding cast of PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 197 countenance, that told me his splene- tic temper at first sis^ht, so I deter- mined to prove it ; for which reason, we rode side by side along the road, and down Church Hill. ** Do you think it will rain?" con- tinued I. " What if it does," replied he, '' it will be water, I suppose, it will hardly rain guineas into your pocket or mine, so what odds?" "Why, I think a shower would do good," replied I. "It might, and it might not," cried he, and again he was silent. " The corn looks well," continued I. '* I neyer saw it worse," said the contradictory savage. ** And yon cattle," continued I, " are in excellent condition, and plen- tiful feed, seemingly." " The grazier will sell a devilish K 3 19B THE OBSERVANT (leal more boue than flesh, I believe/' answered he. I could not forbear emiling. ** Aye, you may laugh, but if you was a poor starved ox, you would'nt laugh, I warrant me," continued he. " Assuredly not," replied I ; '* I have heard many a bull roar, but 1 never heard or saw an ox laugh, though we all know asses can." '* Hah ! hah! hah!" cried the miller, '' that's a good joke; what, do you pretend to say, asses can laugh ? did you ever see one ?" " Yes," said I, ** many, and what's more extraordinary, all the laughing asses have but two legs each." The captious miller gave me such a look I shall never forget; there- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 199 fore, without holding any farther par- ley of contradiction, with this rude, unpolished piece of rock, I trotted briskly down the hill, home to dinner, wfeere mine hostess introduced me to three new guests. 'k'V'^WV^/^V'^ THE THREE NONPAREILS. I WAS first presented to a very old decrepid maiden lady, half double, whose name was announced as Mrs. Wheeze-and-bark ; the next was her virgin niece, Miss Wink-and- sniff, a description of automaton, that seemed cut out of yellow pasteboard, with its limbs attached by wires ; the other virgin niece also was Miss Chish-o, a parchment doll with one eye, who kept up a perpetual sneeze, as a cou- K 4 ^00 THE OBSERVANT cert accompaniment to her cousin\s sniffs and winks, and her old annt's asthmatic congb ; so that the trio lite- rally formed a band of discordance. They were just arrived in a post- chaise, and engaged their residence for a month ; and from the moment I fixed iny eyes on them, I was con- vinced they were rival toad eaters, waiting in anxious expectation, for old aunty's Broojnfield sweepings. I soon perceived our four young bucks, eyeing them with convulsive chuckle, and down we sat to dinner, where old Madam Wlieeze-and-bark s nose almost touched her plate, and she coughed incessantly between every mouthful; observing, she hoped the sea-air would soon take it off, and the whole company declared, they PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 201 hoped the effect would be speedy ; but, on Madam Wheeze-and-bai*k reply- ing, she had been afflicted with it for forty years, hope dropped her anchor, much to the chagrin of the company. Miss Chish-o next set up her pickle of sneezings, to the tune of seventeen successive peals, to the alarm of the ladies, who enquired the wonderful cause; but, they were soon satisfied by Miss VYink-and-sniff, who, draw- ing her nostrils like a rabbit, and blinking like an owl, assured them, her cousin was always in the habit of violent sneezing, ever since she had the measles, when a child. ** Bless me, Mhat a troublesome affliction," cried the widow Try-again, stopping her ears, *' the noise you make, Miss Chish-o, must be very k5 202 THE OBSERVANT prejudicial to your stomach; why, I have a friend in London, who, when- ever she is attacked by ihose convul- sive tickles, never sneezes louder than a cat, and really I give her credit, for it's a very elegant habit she has acquired, to prevent disturbing com- pany." *' Yes, Madam, that may be true," replied the half-strangled Miss Chish-o, " and if I was a cat, I suppose, I should sneeze as most cats do." *'But my respected friend, 3Iadarn,'^ retorted the angry widow, *'is no cat, nor did I infer such an odiunu" '*Then, perhaps she practised at the cat academy, till she became a proficient," said the witty Miss Wink- and-sniff. ** You mistake, Ma'am," continued the widow, ** my friend adopted the system, to prevent rendering herself PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 203 disgusting in genteel company; in a kitchen^ those vulgar boisterous peals may pass unnoticed ; but in a draw- ing-room, they horrify ones nerves." No sooner was the cloth drawn, than Madam Wheeze-and-bark drew out her ancestorial gold box, cram- med with assnfcetida snufF, the noxious vapour arising from which, as she supplied her spongy purple nose, was beyond bearing ; the next article drawn from her short black silk pocket apron, was a box of lozenges, if possible more offensive ; two of which, she gave her nieces to crump, and then politely, as she thought, handed them to the company, who aU rejected, with evident dislike, the proffered boon of civility; and to com- plete the catalogue of disagreeables, Madam Wheeze-and-bark, requested k6 204 THE OBSERVANT Miss Wiiik-and-suiff, to step ap stairs and unpack her enamelled e.rpectora^ Hon bason. ' This command, which Miss Wink- and-sniif arose to execute, created universal disapprobation ; and poor Mr. Mumble, who was a composition of nicety, cleanliness, and particula- rity, instantly withdrew, and sent a servant to summon the attendance of our hostess, with whom he reasoned, on the high impropriety of introducing such a disgusting utensil, to the an- noyance of the company, who would certainly leave the house, if they could not enjoy the pleasure and accom- modation they sought, and vehemently asserted, her new guests were all much more proper objects for an hospital, than a hoarding'honse, w^hich he was PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 205 well convinced would be much de- triraented by their stay. This hint was sufficient and our hostess re-entered the room, just as Madam Wheeze-and-bark was in the act of expectorating into the famous enamel bason, Miss Chish-o held iu her lap, to the horror of every eye and ear; when, placing herself at the head of the table, she requested five minutes audience with Mrs. Wheeze- and-bark in private. " Madam, I can't stir, pray speak out."- ** Delicacy prevents that privilege Ma'am," returned our hostess. " Oh dear, Madam, delicacy and I have long shook hands and parted," replied Madam Wheeze-and-^ ark. ** Sol perceive, Ma'am," continued 206 THE OBSERVANT the hostess, " and I am sorry to say, that in consequence of that dissolu- tion of partnership, you and I must part als(), and the earlier the more agreeable; I will with pleasure pro- cure you suitahie accommodation in an invalid boarding-house; but my house is a house of plea.sure, filled with convalescent genteel con)pany, who will admit no valet lulinarian, to interrupt or inconvenience their pre- sent society. Your luggage not being unpacked, it cannot possibly make any difference to you, but most ma- terial to my guests." *' And pray. Madam," asked Miss Chish-o, ** what's the reason of this insulting treatment?' " That offensive utensil," replied the hostess " subjoined to your aunt's dreadful overpowering siluff and lo- zenge box nuisances, truly insuffera- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 207 ble; and I appeal to the company, honestly to declare their sentiments." *' Oh, certainly, undoubtedly, as- suredly,*' echoed round the table. *' Oh, its mighty \yell, i^ive me my cane," said Madam Wheeze-and-bark; who, leaning on her nieces, instantly crawled out of the room, followed by mine hostess, and the moment the door closed, Mr. Mumble received the united thanks of the company, for the happy riddance he had effected. THE NEGRO BOY. Intelligence havingbeen brought, that a collier was stranded on the beach, curiosity impelled me, like many more, to take a walk to the w^est cliff and have a view. £08 THE OBSERVANT The tide was out, and she lay very much aside, and had been driven so high on the beach, that it was con- jectured, she wouhl lay several days before she would be afloat ; several gentlemen had been on board, J^nd amongst the rest, I nnist needs pop my nose, where the first object which attracted my attention, was a negro boy in tears, expostulating with a barber, in broken English, about the payment for shaving his woolly head, which it seems, the captain had or- dered to be done, and left the boys pocket to defray the expence, which amounted to sixpence, and poor Massa Blackey had got but three- pence in the world. This black and white squabble in- terested my attentiou, for the features of the negro were scarcely human, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. ^09 which, added to the shaving of his head, and the tearful grimace he set, actually excited a laugh, even at an object of horror; and I now enquired of the barber, \?hat was the matter. ** Matter enough,^' replied he, ** the captain ordered me to shave the dirty wool off the head of that young ugly son of a — — ; and it was so wirey and stubborn, it has totally taken off the e(}^e of my scissars, and com- pletely spoilt me a razor, to shave off the bristles, d'rot me if I could have had a worse job over a hog, and now forsooth, sixpence being my demand, young blubber-chops has got but threepence to pay me with.'^ " Pho, Pho," cried I, ** be peaceable a few moments, my friend, you shall be honestly paid ; what's your name boy?'- continued I. 210 THE OB^EHVANT " Me call Koyan; me poor slave." ** And how much money have you got, Koyan?" ** Dis," and he opened his monkey paw, to display the halfpence, which he again clenched fast, and popped his hand behind. '' No havee," cried he, nodding his bald pate at the barber, *' no cheatee, no steal ee, poor boy, Massa great much heap in large chest, Koyan no much, white man's givee me me no givee you." By this address, I comprehended the boy thought the barber wanted to rob him of his halfpence, and in vain did I attempt to make him under- stand it was for cutting off his hair. " No hair," replied he, stroaking PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 211 his bald pate, ** hair all gone, no mo- ney, all gone too, no ' no !" It was no bad idea, and I could not forbear smiling ; Koyan had no notion of parting with his hair and his mo- ney too. " You see," said I to the sulky barber, the boy will not part with his money, so here's a shilling to satisfy your demand. The fellow bowed, thanked me, and instantly left the ship. " And me one, too Massa," cried Koyan, who had seen me give the vshilling, for what he knew not, ^* givee poor negro boy " What was to be done ; the sailors ^\2 THE OBSERVANT la\iglied, the boy supplicated, he must haVe the shilling, said I to myself, and the sailors must have another to drink ; I must be curious, so I must pay for it. / Koyan kigsed the shilling, grinned joyfully at it, and put it in his trow- sers ; so quitting the collier, I as- cended the cliff, and walked on towards the fort. %*'W*%vwv THE TOTACCO-POUCFI. Here I found fresh companions, in the shape of an old gentleman, who was smoaking his pipe on the pros- pect-bench, beside a lady, and a little girl, who was playfully dancing in infantine antics, round his knee ; he PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 213 lodged it seeQis, in the opposite house, were the lady was aloo an inmate. Several times had she warned the infant Alicia, not to be troublesome to the gentleman, but the frohcksome child heeded her not; and was diving her hand into his coat pocket, when, to her great terror and astonishment, she drew out a seal-skin tobacco- pouch, on the front of which was a fierce formidable fox's head, display- ing a terrific set of white leather teeth, scarlet cloth tongue, and a pair of goggling jet eyes ; which so alarmed Miss Alicia, that she screamed vio- lently, and threw it down. " It's alive," cried she, ** it will eat me up ; oh, dear, it will bite me.'* I picked it up-, I drew the child to ^14 THE OBSERVANT my knee, and explored the object of terror* " It's a play-thing,'* said I, '' see, it can't bite ; it wo nt hurt you ; look at its teeth, it do'nt hurt me, sit down upon the grass and play with it." " Oh, no! no!" exclaimed the trem- bling child^ drowned in tears, and holding it at arms length, with a countenance replete with horror. " Carry it back," said I, " and put it in the gentleman's pocket." The child obeyed, but in yiolent agitation, not daring to touch any part but the string which tied it ; but the wind blowing it against her frock, as she crept cautiously along, she again threw it down, and; uttered another involuntary scream; her mother, how- ever, made her pick it up and replace PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 9^\S it in the gentleman's pocket, strictly commanding her, never to put her hand in any body's pocket again, as it was a punishment for her rudeness. The old gentleman laughed heartily, the child dried her tears, and after I had rested a few minutes, and talked about the wind and weather, which is the universal pass-port to sociability, I quitted the bench, and in my way home to tea, I followed two boys, whose arms encircled round each others necks, were buzzing secrets. «^'%/WVW«^ THE BEETLE HOAX. ** Jack," cries one of them, ** what d'ye think I saw Mother Fisher do, just now? the beadle, who was going his rounds, happened to affront her. 5216 THE OBSERVANT and what did she do, but set at him, and laid him plump upon his back in ti.e kennel, at one blow." ** I'il never believe that," replied Jack. '' But I'll swear i1,'' replied the other, *" for I saw it done ; I tell you she did, I saw her sieze him ; why he lay struggling till he was black in the feee." ** What Master Vigilant, the beadle, knocked down by a httle feeble did woman, it's impossible, and Til never believe it,^^ answered Jack. « Why, who said any thing about Master Vigilant,'^ continued the boy. « Why, you did," cries J^ck. " I did'nt." ** You did." " 1 did^nt." *' I say you did^ what d*ye tell liejQ for?^' and instantly the fraternal hug PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 217 of ficklity dissolved, and they stood cavilling at each other to provoke a battle. " 1 say you do tell a lie," repeated Jack. *' I say I don't." ** I say you do." " I say I don't, and I'll prove it." ** Aye, how'll you prove it, come now, let's hear you liatchr '* Why, you sawney, I saw a hlack beetle running up Mother Fisher's apron, and she siezed it, and threw him into the kennel ; there now, what d'ye think of that, you nurascuil ?' Jack began to square his fists, ^'I'll give you a peg in the eye, if you call me names," said he. " No fighting, gentlemen," cried I, pushing them asunder, here's sixpence between you, to put an end to animo- VOL. I. h 218 THE OBSERVANf sity, and I give you credit for your story; the boys walked off well pleased. MARKET NEWS. Ting- tang -er, ting-tang-er, ting- tang-er, went the clapper of the cryer's bell, on the Steine ; where, in his gold- laced hat, stood Master Vigilant afore- said, till he had collected a scamper- ing throng around his brass informer- general; and I amongst other curious folks, made one of the group, imagin- ing some child, or article of conse- quence was lost; but, to my great surprize, he thus broke out in a voice of thundering vehemence. "Oh yes! oh yes! oh yes! this is to PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 21$ give notice, that two prime kits of pickled salmon, are just arrived from London; whoever wants the said ar- ticle, go to Thomas Gunn, in East Street, there you have it, at eigh teen- pence a pound, there t/ou have it^ Away flew the intended customers for plates and basons to fetch the ar- ticle so much in requisition ; but, nimbly picking up my heels, I was there before many dozens, and having ordered some to be sent to the board- ing-house, for my supper, I was just leaving Thomas Gunn, in a rare mess of pickle and profit, when in popped Mr. and Mrs. Gadfly, with a yellow bason, swinging in a red pocket hand- kerchief. •^ Come, let's see what sort of a l2 220 THE OBSERVANT Brighton sJiillingsivorth, you can cut a body," said Mr. Gadfly. ** Sir, we don't make shillings- .wortlis, we sell it by the pound/' said Thomas Gunn. "And pray, Sir, how am I to know that I have a pound ?" -; " By its weight, Sir,", replied civil Thomas. ** And how do I know your scales are honest, they look to me like j^m^r- i€€7i ouncers; hovv^ever, I'll tell you what, I'll run ail risks, and give you iift^enpence a pound, come sarve us out half a crown's w^orth, -^AxeL good lot of pickle, dL\\& plenty of rerinel." 7/1 ff Sir," said Thomas Gnnn, " it has been cried at eighteenpence through the town, and the P e could not have it for less; it's an established rule ; so, Sir, if you don't like it, please to stand on one side, for my custom- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 2^1 ers are all swarming, and I shan't have a flake left in the kits in half an hour's tinie.'^ "Shan't you, faitli," replied Mr. Gadfly, *' well then, let's have two pound, and have done with it ; but, hark'ye me, if it a'ent good, I'll bring it back and expose you." " I'll give you leave," replied the fishmonger, laughing. " Come, come," said Madam Gad- fly, pushing back the bason, " none of your tricks upon travellers, give us a blessing of pickle, and a cabbage- leaf to kiver it up.'^ " Aye, the Lord bless you and me too, with all my heart," cried Thomas Gunn, " but as to a blessing of pickle, every one must have their share, and I'm sure you've got plenty. ' At this moment, much to her dis- l3 222 ^ TH15 OBSEEVANT may, Mrs. Gadfly pi^rceired itie at her elbow. " Fine salmon, Madam," said I. ** Yes, Sir, it ought to be, it's '\fine price." '' I think so too," replied Mr. Gad- fly ; ** It's some of the ^ pam he civiP sort; I suppose, howsever, if we have not got a bason full of gold watch chains and silver snuff-boxes, we have at least got suminat for our money; yes! yes! I've taken care of number one to-night, IVe followed your eic- ample, you see." Such a mean vulgar attack, set the customers in a roar of laughter, at the expence of the ignorant narrator, who waddled off with his badge of gluttony. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 253 r now brushed home, took my coffee, and strolled for a lounge to the library, where I recognised about a dozen friends, just arrived; so that the how-d'ye-do's where flying round, with the velocity of Congreve's rockets ; for where I least expected it, I pop- ped upon a squeeze or a smile. %%v%w%'%'v'V LIBRARY GOSSIP. ''Ah, how d'ye do? I'm glad to sec you; how long have you been here? charming weather; how long shall you stay? d'ye mean to visit Worth- ing? have you good accommodation ? do you bathe? here's my card of ad- dress ; pretty lively piece of music; decent player; no qual here to-night; d d flat concern; have you won l4 224 THE OBSERVAT^T any thing to-night? the Siddons has got a bumper, I shall lounge in there presently ; it's cursed borish to shew oneself there too early ; Ah 1 how are you, Sir John? where's Lady Lumpey? "which way d'yeair to-morrow, George ? Hallo, Ben, my prime one, where are you sprung from ? Billy, I shall take my shell-fish at your I edgings to-night? adieu, my old friend, 1 have a thou- sand politesses to make ;" then let- ting go my imprisoned hand, he burst into a bravura, peeped in every wo- man's face, but not finding any game to please him, the puppy of fashion sauntered out of the library, like many others, not half as much re- spected by the whole company, as my poor Mottle was by his master ; for why? the one was an ass by na- ture, the other was an ass by art, from the oblique corner of his opera PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 225 hat, to the square toe of his Spanish shoe ; while the Sir John, George, Ben, and Billy, he had nodded at as familiar companions of fashion, were no other than a journepmoi haber- dasher; a young shoe-maker, politi- cally nervous ; Ben Brush-up, the second hand hatters sou ; and Billy Thong, head groom to one of the four- in-hand ; but this was notorieti/ slangy and the general system of public gos- sip rooms. *' My dear creature," lisped a belle of fashion, *' do let me sit down, I'm fatigued to death^ iVe been three times round the librart/, and can't gel a seat; how full it is to-night, we're quite stifled with coach arrivals; tiUfh a cargo of canaille wan imported to- day, that attics are more in requisi- tion than drawing rooms. l5 226 THE OBSERVANT *' Oh, horrid, don't mention it, for heaven sake," replied a sister elegante ; " what a divine mantle you have got, my dear, where did you buy it? I must have one exact the same, it's the first I've seen, what's the name of it?'' " The Calypso wrap." ''Oh, charming! how much did you give for it?" *' I really don't know, for in all probability/, it won't be paid for this twelvemonth ; I'm one of Lancliester's best book customers." " 1 doubt it not," thought I, " and if thou art not one of her sponge sort of customers, I'm mistaken." ** And how's all friends at Tower Hill? when d'ye go home?" continued the mantle admirer. ** Oh, heavens, don't put me in mind «f such a wretched suburb, I would'nt PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 227 for the world have it known that I live on Tower Hill, why, the novel elegance of my mantle, would instant- ly dwindle to the scoff of a parish dishdout ; while as an i?icog?uta, it may make my fortune ; appearances y you know, are every ihmg iioiv-a-days; *' if you can't be the first %ipon the turf," as Sir John Jehu observes, ** you'd better be the first under the turf ;" for I can assure you, the mor- tification robe of the new hop manu- facture, is of so harsh a nature, that it rasps and tickles the w^earer most tormenting] y ; for instance, a very charming friend of mine, who had fifty thousand pounds to her fortune, is compelled to wear a 7iinepenny chamhray gown, in a two pair of stair^ lodging; now a'ent that shockhigf don't you pity her, poor things I'm sure I do from my heart ; it's a me- l6 S28 THE OBSERVANT laiicholy fate ; heigh-ho, do you ever have the blue devils, Tm very subject to them if 1 indulge my sensibility; hah! hah! hah ! I cau't help laughing, Avhat's the use of being sad, it neither affects you or me, so what need we care ; other people's concerns are no- tiling to us ; don't you think Fm a fool to feel so much as I do? but you know they've had the roughs and ihesmoothsy and so they must balance the scale." The music now struck up a be- witching tune, and the ladies moved off towards the sylvan sounds, leaving me petrified at the description of mo- dern female sensibility, on which, hav- ing mused some minutes, I thought it high time to walk home to our social pic-nic board, where Thomas Gunn had sent my salmon, which was excel- lent, and of which I requested my com- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 229 panion Mumble to partake^ in retri- bution for his similar civility the pre- ceding evening. THE MULLET. The next morning I found myself by the side of Martha Gunn and her pitcher, on the summit of the cliff, where after inhaling the breezes from the beach for above an hour, I saun- tered home through the market, where I pjiirchased some nectarines, which I intended regaling myself with on my way to Worthing, where I proposed going after breakfast, as a sociable had been bespoke for the conveyance of some of our party to the same place, and with them I had agreed to take my dinner. !230 THE OBSERVANT I had just completed my purchase, when two young gentleman school- boys, brushed past me into the fish- market, and I followed ; they both appeared the pupils of frolic, bent upon some mischievous prank, for the market was scarce wide enough for their antic capers ; at length, on one of the stalls, they espied several fine mullets. '* Look here, Horatio," cried one of them, " here's my grandmama; here's Old Mull, sure enough." '* For shame Rolando," replied Ho- ratio, as I stood by his side. *' No shame at all," resumed Ro- lando; "I always call my grandmar, Mullety because it puts her in a pas- sion, and then she lectures me, and I laugh and run away." ** But ivhi/ do you call her a Mullet, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 231 I'm sure she's not like one?"' answered Horatio ; " if my grandmother was the very imaj^e of one, I should not dare to say so, for she'd punish me very severely, and never forgive it." '' Pough !" said Rolando, *' 'tis not every boy's got such a good-natured grandmother as I have ; I sai/ and do just what I please ; so I shall buy a Madam Mullet, and carry it home to be dressed for my luncheon; I'll have a rare bit of fun/' " Not at your grandmama's expence I hope, young gentleman," said I, Master Rolando looked very foolish ; the fish woman rolled the mullet up in a cabbage- leaf, svhich he folded in his handkerchief, and leering at me with a scarlet cheek of conviction, he sneaked off with his companion, with- ^v.t making a word of answer; I 23^ THE OBSKRVANT watched them across the Steine, and saw them pop into one of the houses, and not doubting 1 should meet Master Mullet agaui in some of my rambles, to know how he relished his broiled grandmother^ s polygraph, I returned to breakfast, where I found all the ladies, except Mrs. Supple, equipped for a trip to Worthing, and away drove the sociable with six of them in high glee. Mr. Allblack ac- commodated Mr. Mnmble, (in spite of his ear curls,) with a seal in his black basket, while the widower, alias Mr. Roger Parmesan, accompanied Mr. Go-it on horseback, and in the course of half an hour after their departure Mottle and I set off by ourselves. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED 233 »>%vv*'%-vv% WORTHING. The ride was delightful ; the day was beautiful, all nature was ani- mated by the enlivening beam ; the reapers were gathering in the luxur riant golden harvest, that enriched the fertile plains, and the industrious dauntless fishermen, : were casting their nets in the offing, wliile the un- ci ulatiiig bosom of the opean, spark- ling with the reflection of the sun's meridian ray, looked like a vast ex- panse of jewellery most exquisite, forming to the admiring eye, a collec- tion of diamonds ; the mills turned briskly to the power of the breeze, and never a ride could be more plea- sant; but, when I reached Worthing 234 THE OBSERVAKT the scene changed, and it fell far short of my anticipation; I however pro- ceeded to the hotel as agreed, where I found some of my companions, and having enquired the hour of dinner, and provided Mottle with his, I strol* led out to explore the beauties of this celebrated region of fashion, to which, in my humble opinion, fashion could alone reconcile any body to idle their precious moments. Worthing may suit hermitical dispositions, but it has no charms for me, except its ex- tensive open shore and salubrious breezes. ^^^W^'V^VV THE FISH SHED. Here, ploughing along upon the beach, up to my knees in pebbles, I PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. S35 found out, to my great surprize, alittle temporary wooden fish shed, on the front of which, a scrawled piece of board, denoted the owner to be fish- monger to the Princess Chailotte, for want of a better, as it took the pre- eminence of the other two stalls, which were empty and shut up ; but the rival magazine, exhibited no less a display than five oysters in a broken yellow dish, and half a innt of cat- sized shrimps. "You've a poor supply, my friend," said I. " Yes, Sir; there's no fish to-day, the wind has been so unfavourable ; we've five boats out, but they mayn't return before day-light," replied the fish-man, who stood lolling on his elbows, and whistling a ditty, as dull 236 THE OBSERVANT as the spot be stood on, for no object was in view but ourselves. ** You are very thin of company," continued I, " for I see nobody either in doors or out of doors." " Why, we have but a sprinkle a1 present," answered he; "the weather has been bad, and the season's but young in yet, or else we have a pretty many in general, and all of the best sort of company, I assure you." *' I'm glad to hear it, my friend ; good morning, good success to your boat and its cargo, for Fm sure you deserve it, if it was only for living here ; I would not do it to obtain five thousand a-year." The man smiled, perhaps at my want of taste ; I did not ask him ; I walked off past the hotel, towards the library ; not a soul to be seen ; all PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 237 asleep, said I to myself, or more likely all gone to London; I examined the subscription-books, the pages were scantily scrawled with a few dashing names, which did not tell yoii whether their claimants were sojourners, or not, so.i turned from the solitary va- cuity and marched on. (. ALCUTTA INTELLIGENCE. • LoLUNG against a door, I per- ceived a black footman, bedizened with lace, and of him I enquired, whereabout I could see the theatre. "Theatre," replied he, " what you calldat." 1 recollected the title was rather too 238 THE OBTERVANT refined for the comprehension of a negro, and I blamed myself. " Where shall I find the play- house?'* asked I. Massa Nong-tong shook his woolly pole at me* ** Me come one two day here ; me never hear such ting." ** What, are you a stranger?" re- sumed I. ** Oh, no ! me Calcutta man'' ** But you are a stranger here, my friend?'' ** Oh, no, me no be a stranger! me no y owe friend! you no be my country- man," and retreating into the house, as if he was afraid of me, he half closed the door, neither comprehend- ing what a theatre, a playhouse, or a PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 239 stranger meant, neither would he suffer me to style myself his friend, '^ Good-bye, go along," said he, popping his nose out at the door. " Good-bye, Nong-tong," replied I, '* thou art one of the curiosities of Worthing, not designed to raise my opinion of its meritorious posses- sions." w»««%«%»* WET EARS. Sauntering through the town, I came to a pastry-cook's shop, where, I confess, every thing looked so tempt- ing, I was baby enough to believe I could relish a cake ; add to which, a paper that was stuck up in the window, drew my attention to the following line of public intelligence, S40 .THE OBSERVANT ^' wet idr^ sold hedr" io, in I walked as gravely as possible, and selected iny boh boiiclie. At length, after swallowing a few mouthfuls, ** Pray," said I, to a wo- man who officiated behind the counter, ^* what 5or^ of ^a?'^ may these be?" " Wet ears, Sir," replied she. ^ * '' Yes, I see you call them ivet, of course they are pickled^ are they pigs- ears, Ma'am?" '' Pigs ears," retorted the woman, ** la ! no Sir, why they are birds." f^ Bii»dvS-€ars," replied I, chuckling ^% tiiy o!mi nonsensical enquiry^i to pljigue the fdolish woman. <\^-.oUi()^l ' *■ ^Why' dear me. Sir, if s wrote up in the' window plkin enough." ■ *' I beg^ 'your pardon, I see no birds mentioned^*; i^othing but ears," re^ plied I. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 241 ** Well, Sir, wet-ears are birds," continued she. *' In that case, Ma'am, dr?/ ears may be birds also in this country, per- haps." " Bless my soul,'' exclaimed the patisiere quite enraged, pointing to a bunch of wheat-ears that hung against the wall, *'do you call them birds or not?" " Assuredly they are birds, but not ears, the origin of my mistake arises from your bill in the window, which expressly explains a most con- trary article, by being mis-spelt." The woman coloured at this attack on her abilities, declared she had never wTote it otherwise, and every body understood it; however, as I was perhaps a learned gentleman, if VOL, I. M 2i2 THE OBSERVANT I'd please to write a proper bill, she should be obliged to me. I found she was a wiser woiiuan than I suspected, for she was not ob- stinate to reproof, but willing to im- prove by civil information, I therefore obeyed her wish ; she thanked me, laughed ather owii conviction, tore the nonsensical paper, and wafered up my improved information, to the mutual satisfaction of the patisiere and my- self. MINCE PIES AND CROSS BUNNS. Again I marched on to the extre- mity of the town, in search of the church, but the search was fruitless ; PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 243 SO meeting a little ragged sinner, I asked hiiu where to find it. a ^g gQ|. ^Q church here/' replied he. *'None," said I, *' how's all this, fast and not pray, for you've no mar- ket it seems neither." *' No, Sir," answered his mother, (who stood on the threshold of a cot- tage close behind him,) weVe no church nor no market, but we are to have both by next year." " I hope so," said I, "for you'll be starved heathens else." '^ No, Sir, we beant so bad as that neither, we have's a church about two miles off, that some few people goes too." ^* Few enough, I dare say," said I, ** do you or your children ever go?'* *^ Oh yes, we gooes all the summer ^44 THE OBSERVANT through, but in winter 'tis a bad road and spoils our shoes, but you must know there's a very good pious lady live's here, she's^^^?i a clargymunt's ■widow, and she's so good to the poor, that she has all the children every Sunday evening to say their caielmiSy and read the bible, and so she gives them minsh pies of a Christmas day, and cold /to/cross-bunns of a Good- Friday, all of her own making, and then expoiindes the scripter like, and makes the children as uniiiteUigent as possible; why, my Nelly and this here boy Joe, knows every thing almost." Willing to prove the erudition of the religious widow's pupils, I walked into the cottage. *' Nelly, my good girl," said I, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 245 ** do you know what Christmas-day isT " Yes, Sir,'' and Nelly's hmd-quar- ters touched the tiled floor, from the low bend of tier reverential curtsey* *'Why, what is it, tell nieF' '* Christmas-day, Sir," ^' But what's the meaning of it?" ** Why, Cristmas day, Sir." *< And is that all you know about it, hey Nelly ? ' " Tes, Sir." ''Why, has not the lady told you the meaning of it." " Yes, she told me, when she gave me the Christmas pye, but V\eforf:ot now." *' Forgot," repeated I, looking very stern at her, " then I hope the lady will Jorget to give you one next sea- son."* M 3 MO THE OBSERVANT ^' Joe," contitiued I, " do you know the meaning of Good Friday?' '' Yes, Sir, it's hot-cross-bunn- day." ** And is that all you know too?" **Yes, Sir." '* And have you never been told about it?" *' Yes, Sir, Madam told me a great deal J but I've forgot.'' ^' Then you are as naiiglity and negligent as your sister, and 1 desire that next Sunday you ask the lady to tell you once more, and if you can't repeat it to me on Monday, you shall liisve none of my gingerbread half- pence depend upon it." *' Why, they reads desperate ready ^' said the cottager, *' I don't know how 'tis they be so stupid, 'tis eating so many hard dumplins do make'em pudding-headed, 'tis my thoughts ; PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 247 howsever, they shaUflf^ Madam against you call again ; Vm sure they used to be as unintelligent children as any in the parish." *' So they are," replied I, smiling at the cottager's applicable definition of her children's abilities, who though twice his age, did not possess one- tenth part the sense, of a fine bloom- ing boy I met with in my way to the hotel THE STONE SLIPPER. He was sitting on the wall of the sea-house, beside his infjint sister and his nurse; tiie mournful habiliament of his black frock and little trowsers, told me he was at least a demi-orphan, and impressed my heart with an ex- M 4 24B THE OBSERVAN'T quisite pang of sensibility; but how was it auxilirated by a sparrow perch- ing on the wall, which attracted the child's attention. " Look nurse," cried he, " the little bird thinks I've got some crumbs,; Papa used to feed the robins, didn't Jie nurse; but Fve got no Papa now; and instantly the tear of recollection rolled copious down his infantine cheek. Such a trait of early sensibility la- cerated my heart, and for several mi- nutes I could not command my mu- tual tear, which I wiped away with my handkerchief, and then absorbed the child's. ** Sweet boy," said I, *^ you must not cry, don't you like to pick up the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 249 pretty shells and pebbles on the sands?" " Yes, Sir, and the pretty weeds too," replied he, his little eyes still glistening with the remains of the half-banished tear, that adhered to his fine long eye-lashes. " Well then," continued I, " sup- pose you run and find me a pretty pebble, and I'll keep it and carry it to London, and tell every body that you gave it me." I lifted him down, and away he ran to rout over the beach, which served for an amusement, while I enquired who he was, so peculiarly had his uncommon sensibility charmed and surprised me. The servant said, that ever since the loss of his papa, he had scarce m5 250 THE OBSERVANT held up his head, and the agonizing questions he had asked in conse- quence, so overpowered her mistress's feelings, they were compelled to keep him, as much as possible, out of her sight, for the bursts of grief that flowed from his little heart afflicted every beholder. The little sprightly seusalive by this time returned triumphant, with a cu- rious pebble in the shape of a woman's slipper, which he assured me, was *'just like Mama's," and promising to keep it for a remembrance of him, we exchanged it for a small Spanish coin I found in my pocket, which pleased him wonderfuHy. ** And I'll keep this and think of you, and 111 tell my grandmama and every body you gave it me," said the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 251 sweet fellow, nodding his little head at me. " But you don't know my name, ray love." ** Why, what is your name?" asked he. " Mr. Worthing will do," said I, ** and Mr. Worthing will tell every body about you and this pretty stone slip- per; do you know the story of Cin- derella? the dear baby hesitated, alas! alas! I had unconsciously probed a wound. " Nurse," cried he, bursting into tears, "papa used to read to me about Cinderella, and Blue Beard, and Red- Riding-Hood, did'nt he nurse;" and again the tear stole from its copious recess. "Oh, God!" exclaimed I, "why was I so unguarded." The nurse shook her head, " come M 6 252 THE OBSERVANT Master Albert, '* said she, " dinner will be ready, we must go home." I gave him a hearty kiss, and watch- ed his retiring footstep, his nodding head, and his shrill *' good-bye/^ echoing along the beach, till he turned the angle out of sight; and that pebble shall be a sacred relic in my little cabinet of curiosities, where, when- ever I display it, I shall not forget to record the donor's exquisite sensi- bility, most justly entitling him, the child of feeling. A SAND AIRING. I NOW walked back to the hotel, musing on this engaging child, and deploring the eminent loss he had PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 253 sustained in a fond and excellent fa- ther, till roused from my reverie by the imploring voice of a vulgar-look- ing woman, who with her companion had wedged herself into pne of the donkey carts, beseeching the driver to be careful, and not turn her over. '' You 11 not be hurt, Ma'am, you'll roll so soft," replied the donkeyite. ** What do you know about rolis,'^ cried the lady, " I'm the best judge of them, I live in the land of rolls; therefore, as I've so much of them at home every day, I don't want them abroad.' The whip smacked, the donkey pulled forward, one wheel sunk into the pebbles, and threw the vehicle about four inches out of its equili- brium, which so terrified the lady of ^54 THE OBSERTANT the rolls, (alias the holliday-making bakers wife,) she shrieked vehemently, " ah! ahf ah ! 1 shall be over! I shall be over! let me get out, I tell you." ** Lauk, Marm, how frightful you are, why you're very safe, there's no- thing the matter." ** Do sit still, Mar, what a racket you make, every body's laughing at you," said her daugliter. ** I won't pay my money to be scrunched to death in the pebbles; I'd sooner ride in my own bread barrow ; I tell'ye, I will g^i oiit." " We shall be upon the sands Marm, in a minute," said the laugh- ing driver. *' Don't tell me of the sands, I hate them, we shall sink into a quick-sarid presently, I suppose, and down we shall go, stiffoccded alive ; let me get out before my neck's broke, I tell ye." PEDESTRIAX MOUNTED. 255 " Pray, Mar, sit still and hold your tongue, how do other people ride?'' said Miss Crust-and- Crumb, *' look how the gentlemen at the hotel win- dow are quizzing you through their glasses, and laughing at you." *' Well, better they laugh than I cry,'* answered Mrs. Crust -and - Crumb, " if an accidency was to happen to me, and I was gulped up in quick- sand, what's to become of your dis- traded father, who'd look after the oven ? not you ; who'd keep the books ? not you ; no, no, good folks are scarce, and my life's too precious to risk in nonsense." ** I wish, Mar,'' answered the mor- tified girl, almost in tears, " you would not talk so loud." *' Well then, get out at once, for I wont go an inch Judder ,' said Mrs. Crust-and-Crumb, stretching out her 9,66 THE OBSERVANT elephant leg, and bundling out back- wards, then routing to the bottom of her pocket, and bringing out some bad halfpence, *' here," cried she, ** here's a pint of beer for your trou- ble." " No, Ma'am," said the driver, " you hired me, and I expect to be. paid my full money, I agreed for eighteenpence, and it's no odds whe- ther you ride or not, Vm ready to take you, but if you don't choose to go, I can't help that." *^What," cried Mrs. Crust -and - Crumb, " am I going to pay eighteen- pence for riding about five yards? don't you believe it, master; a fine ex- tortion truly." *' Pray, Mar, pay the man and have done," entreated Miss Crust- and - Crumb; "it's no object, do let's go home." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 257 '• No object/' retorted Mrs. Crust- and-Crumb, " I say it's the profits of a sack of flour fairly chucked into the sea." " Well, what's that to the man,"' said MissCrust-and-Crumb, drawing a little purse frora her bosom, and giving him the demanded sum, which so enraged her Mamma, that she de- clared she'd go home the very next morning, before she was ruined by her daughter's idle extravagance ; and thus squabbling, they walked off one behind the other, like a couple of ducks from a pond, waddling home to rest, and I made the best of my way to the hotel, where I found din- ner waiting my arrival. '' What a vv^onderful difference be- tween this place and Brighton," said Madam Alocaba. 258 THE OBSERVANT " Oh, horrid," exclaimed widow Try-again. " It's the region of dullness," cried Miss Look-out. " It's like the world's end," ^aid Miss Starch. " Damme, all's sour here but the vinegar,'^ cried Mr. Allblack ; *' I shan't pay them a pop again in a hurry." ** One learns nothing and meets no- body,'' said Mr. Parmesan ; *' I hav'nt seen twenty people in the whole town." " It's a place don't please me,'' cried batchelor Mumble, pinning. up ©ne of his cannon curls, which the wind had made free to dishevel, and which he replaced over the hem of his ear to a hair, with a three inch iron bar, as Mr. Allblack called it, drawn from the repository of his pin- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 259 case, where he had got a collection of pins, thread, needles, and buttons, as necessity occurred to require their utility. *' A boxing-match, or a horse-race," said Mr. Go-it, '* would set these dolts all alive ; I shall be off tally-ho as soon as I've had my dinner ; I should go melancholy mad, to be cooped up here for three days." " Yes, I believe it," said Mr. Par- mesan, ^* coops don t suit game cocks like you/' Dinner was served, and the grumb- ling ceased, for the better employment of the knife and fork ; but the fish did'nt please, because the wind had not pleased to supply the description required ; so then the second part of the tune began; some liked duck with seasoning, some without, some none 260 THE OBSERVANT at all ; every body couldn't be pleased, ill short, nothing ^vent right, and by six o'clock the whole group set oft' back to the happier circle of pleasure and fashion, leaving Mottle and me to go our own pace, and amuse my- self as opportunity presented. COTTAGE CIVILITY. I HAD ambled halfway home, when a furious and unexpected shower, compelled me to ask a few moments temporary shelter in a solitary cot*- tage, where a reaper, his wife, and seven children, were all seated round a large red dish of beans and bacon ; the faggot burnt cheerful on the hearth, the blooming hollyhock reclined its towering head against a blackbird s PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. "^61 wicker prison, which hung beside the door ; every thing was thorough clean, though, alas! thorough poor; and be- fore I had dried my coat the dish was empty ; but as the dish must be filled again on the morrow, who so proper to do it as a troublesome in- truder; therefore, thanking the civil honest couple for my accommodation, I dropped a piece of money into the red dish, for them to make as hearty a dinner as they had done a supper. The cottage dame plucked me a rose ; it was the last her little garden afforded, **and could not," she said, ''be better bestowed, if 1 would honour it with a place in my coat bosom ;" the stalk was short, she fastened it with a pin, and away I rode with my bloom- ing tribute of gratitude; who so smart, who so well pleased ? 262 THE OBSERVANT THE HUSBANDMAN'S DOUBLE BLESSING. He whistled so melodiously, I stopped Mottle to listen; a bundle of tai'es hung at his back, and he was crossing the down towards his rural hovel, whose distant casement was burnished by the setting sun with glowing blaze; he made me a rustic bow ; his countenance was the picture of honesty; his cheek glowed with the bloom of health, something deep- er in colour than my rose, and his heart seemed light and happy; he was then an enviable mortal ^ poor in pocket 'tis true, but rich in health and contentment; guile then must be a stranger to his bosom; I asked him PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 263 a few questions of common import, to lure him into conversation ; had he a wife? " Yes, thank heaven, safe and well, in bed with two rare chubby boys one was as much as he expected to begin the world with, but as it pleased Providence to send two, it was a double blessing y and he would not lose either for the world; it was only adding another hand to the plough ; 'twas all for the best, all right." *' Don't let me detain you from the joys of domestic happiness," said I. **Why, I'm beyond my time rather to-night," replied he, " and as I han't seen my boys sen sun-rise, I longs for a kiss and a peep at them." Affection's joyous smile animated his counte- nance and sparkled in his*eye. " Here's a trifle to drink my health 264 THE OBSERVANT at^ the christening," said I, putting, some money in his hand. • " And that, Sir," replied he, ** me and my Patty will most heartily do, and pray God bless your honour's ge- nerosity to the poor cottage twins." He plodded on well pleased towards his hovel, a happy human being; and that's more than many people c^U themselves, though with much less reason of dfscontent than this indi- gent son of labour. bW^W^ A GREEN-EYED SUGGESTION. The church clock struck eight as I entered Brighton, so conducting Mottle to his stable, I took a walk on the beach, for as the moon was rising PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. ^60 I wished to enjoy its placid beam, to me most grateful and adorative. Here shuffling- amongst the pebbles, arm in arm, I met Mr. and Mrs. Sup- ple, to whom I related our day's ex- cursion, assuring them they had no- thing to regret in staying at home. " Wliy, we should have gone," cried Mr. Supple, linking his arm4hroTig4i mine, in confidential coze, " but, to tell you the truth, my temper's rather ruliled with some of our party ; 1 don't know iv/io, but somebody played tricks with my wig, and I don't for- give it, for as true as you live it was rubbed with cow-itchy the doctor swore to it, and Fd give a guinea to find out the person who had the im- pudence to do it; it strikes me very forcibly it's some of our squad," VOL. I. N £66 THE OBSERVANT *' Why be suspicious, my good friend ? you can have no proof, your wig^ was picked up on the Steine by some children, mischievous imps, no doubt; therefore, how can you accuse those who were probably asleep at the very time." ** Poh !" cried he, '' Mr. Allblack and Mr. Go-it were both up to bathe." ** But you don't suspect them, surely^" continued I. *' I don't know that; your fashiona- ble high-flyers are devilish daring and impudent; but though I am an easy quiet-minded man, I don't like to be made a fool of; I'm up to nods and winks, and half words; Miss Starch, a saucy old cat, gave herself as many airs about my \iig, as if it had been made of a polecat's skin; she's no such delicate article herself, I'm sure." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 267 Finding his placid feelings had been too deeply worked upon, I endea- voured to soothe them, by persuading him the best mode of revenge was in- difference, which would preclude all animosity. " Well, well, I'll take your advice,'* replied he, and thus having conquered his prepossession, he walked' quietly home, and I extended my cool re- freshing ramble along the beach, till nine o'clock. QUESTIONS AND COMMA^^DS, I WAS passing very gravely through one of the back streets, that leads from the cliff, when the shrill yell of an athletic woman made me start. N 2 268 THE OBSERVANT Three times she had bawled out, " Charles where are yon ?" " Here," answered a boy's voice; the woman looked around, I looked too, but no form was visible. " I say^ Charles, why don't you an- swer me/' continued she. *' Why, I do answer you, don^t I," replied the voice. " Ad'rot it, where are you, I can't see you,'' continued the <\'dman. "Bring me a candle directly^ ; whose to serve customers in the dark ; bring me a light, where'ye got poking too?" " Fm up in the garret; I'm going to bed," replied. the boy. *' To bed, you lazy young dog,' ^i^eiterated the enraged woman. " You shan't go to bed these two hours, you audacious hound; come down and get a. light this instant; don't stand staring at me up there, if PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 269 yon do III bang this cabbage at your liead, I'll fetch you down, I warrant me." The woman now turned into her vegetable repository, where I left her to manage the boy in her own way, M'hich she seemed very capable of doing, for her menacing tongue made the street ring, and sent me laughing home to supper, where I was intro- duced to a new guest just arrived. PEARLS BEFORE SWINE. She was a respectable looking se- cond-rate woman, a sort of vatuahle piece of notahiliiy^ as j'amUy in.'^peC' iress, in toto; she was very corpulent, very smart, and very loquacious; N 3 270 THE OBSERVANT and it did not seem her fault that she was a maiden at forty-five, which the innovation of straggling grey hairs and crow's feet dimples, too plainly indi- cated. ** Pray, Ma'am, was you ever at Brighton before?" asked Mr. Mumble. ** No, Sir, never ; but IVe been fre- quently at Margate ; Fm very fond of travelling, very fond indeed ; I love to explore nature." *' Indeed, Ma'am," said Mr. Mum- ble, with a quizzical leer. *^ Yes," continued he, ** nature's very easily explored to what she used to be; it required some difficulty to penetrate the impervious veil that for- merly concealed her beauties, but now it's toute-autre-chose." "Talking of toute-autre-chose," re- plied the eloquent lady, " puts me in PEDESTRIAN MOUNTEI>. 271 mind of Flushinof; pray, Sir, have you seen the pnnoromo of Flushing?" **No, Ma'am, I never heard of such a thing as a panoromo.'^ *'Lord, Sir, you astonish me; why then, I can tell you all hoiv and abmit it; you must know, t'other day I took it in my head to have a peep at Flush- ing, for I had heard such a high ac- count about this beautifal panoromo^ that I must needs have a shillings- worth of satisfaction ; so I went to the place all alone by myself, and hav- ing paid my money, I marched along a dark matted passage, till I overtook two ladies and a gentleman ; well, Sir, up stairs I went, and up, and up, and up again, till I puffed and wind- ed myself to death ; however, I was obliged to go on np-up-up, till I verily thought 1 never should find an end to the stairs ; at last, however, N 4 272 THE OBSERVANT I reached the top, and ^vhen I got there, as Tm a living soul, I see no- thing but a long flight of stairs to go doivn; with that I stopt short, to look for the company behind me," * Ma'am,' said I, * why, I'm going down again?' '* Yes, Madam," said she, laughing, " and then you'll go up again,'' " Weil, I never was in such a place in my life," says I, " and on I trotted till at last I found myself in a round horrid place, as dark as midnight, all fire and smoke, like the infernal re- gions." ''That's the Stadl-homQy Ma'am, in flames," said a man who stood by my side, '' and that's the enircmce to the town, where such dreadful car- nage ensued; and that's the dratV' bridge, and the mayors house; and that part yonder is Walclicren; and that's where General Monnet secured PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 273 himself, that's the bomb-proof tower ;' and so he kept gabbling a pack of stuff, till turning short round, ' Sir,' said I, ' you may spare yourself the trouble of explaining to me, for I see nothing but fire and smoke, I was never in such a disagreeable place in my life;" so thp man looked very sharp at me and walked away. *'What/' cried » one of the ladies whom I passed on the stairs, ** don't you admire this exquisite production ? 'tis awfully superb, ^tis one of the fme^i panoromos I ever contemplated ; shut your eyes for a moment, and then you will find the effect most charm- ing." *' I dare say I should. Ma'am,*' said T, " for I should be asleep in a minute, I am so distressingly fatigued with those stairs, and is this (tU I am to see for my money." N 5 g74 THE OBSERVAMT *' All," repeated the lady, *' why my dear Ma'am, what more could you ■wish to see, it will atford me amuse- ment for an hour to ( orne/* '* Oh bless your patience, in look- ing at a pack of houses on fire, I see no fun in it, I would not ivaste an hour in no such a-way," said I. ** But you've not seen a quarter part of it yet," continued she, "here's Walchertn.'' " Oh, Ma'am, replied I, " but I'd rather be a walker -out "^ and so wish- ing them good morning, I had a shil- Un^'sworth of panoromo in about five minutes/' *' Yoii astonish me. Madam, '^ cried Mr. Mumble, " can it be possible you don't admire that eminent and correct painting; why, it's the chef d^ouvre of genius." '* It may be to a parcel of curious PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 275 people," replied she, " but it don't suit me, I like my pennyworth for my penny." " And I'm sure at the panorama you had it abundantly/' answered Mumble. ** Yes, I had an abundance of ^/a/r^; Id a good JshilHogsvvorlh of them, ^ said she. " Ma'am, Isincerely pity your want of taste; you'll excuse me," said Mr. Allblack : "Flushing's a d d fine painting as ever Barker finished in his Iif«," Every voice coincided in its admi- ration, and the voluble lady looked very small at the self-exposure of her ignorance, and soon after took her candle and retired, to give her tongue a holiday, which seemed never quiet but when she was asleep ; but wh^ N 6 S76 THE OBSERVANT then, it's an old maid's privileged com- fort, and talk she must. %/». V« */*.'V*'V«.»/V THE EXECUTOR'S PRESENT. The next morning 1 was up witli the larks, and as usual took my walk o«i the beach, where I met an ac- quaintance from London, arrived the evening before, and enquiring in the coarse of conversation, after the health of an elderly lady, (to whom he was related,) I found she was deceased. *' Yes," said my friend, *' and I can tell you a curious transaction of her executor, who is well known to us both ; you must know, in her will she left a legacy of her sedan to a widow lady; of which, after the fune- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 277 ral obsequies, the said Mr. Scrapeall called at her house to apprise her of; *'but, Mad am, "observed he very grave- ly, drawing down his long upper lip, '' 1 must inform you, the tenour of the will, only bequeaths the sedan itself, it does not mention the poles, Ma'am : but as the sedan would be useless to you without the said poles, I as rest arul residue sweeper, (to whom" of course the poles actually belong,) beg your acceptance of them as my gift;' the widow smiled ; *' Were the curtains, the glasses, and the seats spe- cified also, Sir?" asked she. '' No, Madam, of course, they were requisite appurtenances.'^ ** And so were the poles," resumed the widow, " without which the chair must be useless." ** Oh, Madam, you shall have them f78 THE OBSERVANT by all means, I mean to have the plea- sure of presenting them to you." The widow laughed in his face; Mr. Scrapeall took his departure, un- thdiuked for his present y and eversince the laugh of the town has reverted on Mr. Scrapeall's generous offer to the widow; some call him Mr. Residue,, some say he reserved the poles for cheap firewood ; and others assert, that the story has gone from pole to pole; in short, poor Mr. Scrapeall has been severely roasted, and though he always looked brown, he now ap- pears quite black upon the subject. We enjoyed a hearty laugh at his expence, and soon after parted, I to inhale the breeze, and he to the mar- ket. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 271^ THE BATHER'S STORY. " Yes, it's true enough," said a fisherman, who was mooring his boat under the west cliff, to one of the young new bathers, who was atten- tively listening to some piece of ill news ; ^* it's too true indeed ; I was close enough to hear her fire a signal of distress, and in less than half an hour she was captured by the French frigate ; poor devils, my heart ached for them." " Say no more," replied the bather, dashing a tear from her sea- bronzed cheek. ** Well, the Lord bless you," an- swered the fisherman; ''I must go Took after my little cargo, I should 280 THE OBSERVANT have had a better drag, if them pop- ping Mounseers had'iit hove in sight, and scared me off my bait." "Well, thank providence your safe, they han't served you as they did my poor husband," rejoined the bather, sweeping off another tear upon her jacket sleeve. '' And what did they do to your husband ?" said I, looking earnestly in her interesting face, which was glazed with tears. ^* Ah, Sir," replied she, shaking her head, " I'm a poor honest dis- tressed widow ; ray husband fell in the battle of Flushing; I shall never forget the day- on which we parted ; I stood on the shore, with my baby at my bosom, and one arm round my poor Henry's neck, and the boat was filling fast; the lieutenant swearing, the women weeping and fainting, the PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 281 poor heart-broken soldiers hanoing round their little families in parting agonies ; oh, you never saw such ^. sight." I turned aside to conceal feelings that could only augment hers, and the bather turned too. " And so, Sir, as I was saying, my husband had taken his last kiss, and was turning to the boat full of grief, and I was upon my knees pray- ing for his safe return, when the dear boy in my arms, opened his little eyes to take a last look of his poor father; my husband flew back, * My boy, my dear boy,' said he * God preserve yoil till Nve meet again,' but they never, no never saw each other more; my husband s favourite comrade was an honest friend, he brought me back a 282 THE OBSERVANT? I two pound note oat of Henry's pocket, after he fell amongst the burning rums by the bursting of a bomb-shell, in the Stadthouse Square, and so I kept the note for a legacy for uiy child, for I'd sooner starve than touch a penny of it,'^ Again the tear of faith- ful affection rolled down its wonted channel. "Thou hast had thy portion of sorrow," said 1, ^* but thou'lt be re- warded;, the widow and fatherles are never forsaken." •* Very true, Sir," replied she, "for I've never been without Jitw shillings in my pocket ever since I was a wi- dow ; I've often heard the parson read about the ' meal and the oil,' and I thinks it's my case, so I comforts myself as well as I can, and rubs through the world amongst the roughs and the smooths," PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 283 "And who told you this sad story, my good woman ?" said I. *' John Hamson, Sir." " And are you sure John Hamson spoke truth, had he no design?'' *' No, Sir, no otlier sign than the two pound note, and if he had not been a worthy honest creature, he might have kept my poor little for- tune; yes, yes, John Hamson's as honest as daylight." The innocent woman was uncon- cious of my inuendo ; I added my mite to John Hamson's, and I left her with a brighter countenance than I found her. 284 THE OBSERVANT ^^W^'*. %/%.■«.«*/* POST OFFICE FROLICS. It occnrrec] to me in my way home, to call at the post oflice, and enquire for my letters, with which any ab- sentee might have favoured me; so, pushing with much difficulty up to the window, I found myself by the side of a very diminutive, but lusty woman, camel-backed, and the ex- press image in countenance of an ourang'Oulani^ ; vociferating through her black rimmed spectacles, which just peeped above the iron spikes that guards the window, for " Mrs. Short's letters," " Mr. Long," roared an impudent valet, '' Mrs. Broad,'' cried a second puppy, rebounding the shuttlecock of low wit ; " Mr Wide's PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 285 newspaper," said a groom on horse- back, and to Ihis succeeding such a variety of names, as would liave made a cat laugh, and kept the place in sach a peal of tumult, the post-master was obliged lo command silence; for no sooner was Mr. Street's letters re- quired, than Mr. Lane, Mr. Alley, Mr. Court, Hill, Dale, Brook, Rivers, Bridge, Meadow, Scarlet, Green, White, Brown, Black, Orange, Pink, Buff; Miss Robins, Wren, Rook,. Crow, Pidgeon, Sparrow, Jay, Pea- cock, Cuckoo; Messrs. Salmon, Pike, Cockle, Herring, Sprat, Whiting, Crab; and innumerable others in uni- son, till poor little Mrs. Ourang- outang lost all patience, and perch- ing on tip-toe, ** Mrs. Short,'' repeated she, ** Mr. Shorter,'' re-echoed a foot- boy. " That's impossible, he can't be 286 THE OBSERVANT shorter than this here lady," said a tall raw-boned fellow, eyeing her with sovereign contempt. "Why then," said the lady, "my heigJith and your manners are equal." This silenced him, and Mrs. On- rang-outang half suffocated and crush- ed to pieces, turned an imploring pair of lips, that protruded beyond her nose, and begged I'd assist her out of the crowd, for she was so insulted by the ivalley de sham gentry, she could stop no longer; I therefore, with much difficulty, extricated her from the throng, for which I received her thanks, and advised her to go an hour later, when the coast was clear, to prevent insult and inconvenience. So much for Madam Ourang-outang, one of God's good souls, though like me not one of the handsomest. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 287 THE PYE PERPLEXITY. My breakfast was very acceptafele ; the coffee was brisk, the cream ex- cellent, the honey sweet, the butter fresh, and all was right, all was plea- sant; but a neighbouring party who were going to pass the day at Wor- thing, on an economic plan, had, it seems, hired two rubbishing gigs and dog horses, in such a style of dirty trapping, it was truly laughable to watch their motions, though by the bye, very ungenteelly curious; how- ever, I could not help peeping for my soul, at the instigated request of my companions, for the vehicles stood opposite our window. 288 THE OBSERVANT The dashing group consisted of two second-rate gentlemen, two ladies loaded with fniery, of the same de- scription, and two little snivelling boys, each stock upon the crazy dash- ing leather before Par and 3Iar, at the risk of their lives ; bnt the beauty of the business was, a large cold pye tied in a pocket handkerchief, which was ordained to be placed in the chaise seat ; but alas, on searching the vehicle, it contained no such ac- commodation ; it was placed in a dozen situations, and as Speedily re moved ; at last it was suggested, to be tied behind on the rail, where shattering and jumbling it rode in full state, much to the diversion of our observant party, who laughed heartily at the perplexity of the cu- rious group, who with accomodation of great coats, umbrellas, &c. wrig- PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 2Z9 gled off in full canter, with one eye, three broken knees, and two pharcy heels, between the pair of thorough- starved galloways, and it's much if the travellers didn't starve too, by the cracking of their pye-dish, which cer- tainly had every advantage of demo- lition. Allblack laughed till his face was the colour o( his frill, and in fact, the infection was general, much to the dismay of the'^ pleasure hunters, and our own consequence as gentlemen, who ought to have known better; therefore, I only adduce this story as a proof, that "one fool makes many," but so it was. VOL. I, 290 THE OBSERVANT THE NIGHT-CAP VEXATION. The next ludicrous object which presented itself to my view, was an intimate friend just arrived by the night coach, who was parading about in an outlandish great coat, trimmed with sheep skin fur, and a grey welch wig, puffing along with a pujt'ple bag of luggage, iu quest of an inn, or lodging. I hailed him, he looked round and approached the window. " My good friend," said I, '* whi- ther so fast? why, you're certainly in a doldrnm." "Why, I am scarce awake," re- PEDESTRIAN MOUVTED. 291 plied he, '^ for I have travelled all night, and been half over the town in quest of a lodging." '* What, in your night-cap?' said I, laughing. *' Night-cap,'' repeated he, putting his hand to his head, *' why, d n it, where's my hat?" ** Left in the coach, I suppose.'* ** No such thing,' replied he, recol- lecting himself, *'by gad I've left it at Crawley, and never missed it till this moment; I wouldn't have walked through the town in this trim for a hundred pounds ; I thought somehow the people stared uncommonly at me, but I imputed it to my Dutch wrap- per." Finding he was truly perplexed, I invited him in, telling him the people would think him discordant; 1 placed o 2 S92 THE OBSERVANT him before the glass, he dashed off the wig and wrapper, borrowed my hat, joined in a peal of laughter with thecompany, at the expenceof hisowii grotesque figure, left his purple ^or/6 par tout in a snug corner under my care, and immediately dispatched a messenger to fetch his brown beaver, which in the course of a few hours suspence and inconvenience, he lucki- ly obtained, at almost as much_ ex- pence as the value of the hat; but carlessness must pay for her follies^ to make her grow attentive. PETER'S MARBLE ROD. Passing along through North Street, I recognized an old friend and inhabitant, with whom 1 took a PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 293 seat to enjoy a few minutes chat; he was a shrewd facetious pupil of the old school; correctly attentive to the duties of busineirs, and always en- forced eminent propriety in the con- duct of those under his command; ]>articularly his servants ; one of whom (an apprentice,) was indolently lolling his elbows on the counter, with his mouth wide open, listening -to our conversation. The penetrating black eye of my friend, discerned this symptom of indolence in a moment; and as the vigilant orb struck fire, ** Peter," vo- ciferated he, but Peter did not choose to hear. " Peter," repeated he, in a voice that made the shop echo, and brought the lad to his side, " Here," cried he, extending a o 3 J894 THE OBSERVANT penny-piece between his finger and thumb, "fetch me a pennyworth of marbles, a halfpennyworth won't be enough for both of us, for I see you^ve got nothing to do nor I neither, we'll have a tight gajiie; come, Sir, take the money and fetch me the marbles, and when the game's out, Fll help you to rub the counter and dust the goods." Peter hung his head like a bull- rush and walked away; 'twas ap ex- cellent mode of correction in ray friend, but it was in his usual style, and Peter well understood it; he was all industry in a moment. I observed to my friend, ** how bright the counter looked." ** It ought," replied he sternly, "it's polished from morning to night with PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 295 Peter's elbows, not his hands; I assure you it*s a new invention of his ; I mean to apply to his majesty to grant the boy a patent ; I have many clever people in my house, but no elbows work so hard as Peters, 111 say that for him/' The reproof ceased, and I soon after left the shop, fully persuaded Peter would not readily forget his marble correction, though it broke no bones, but tinged his cheek with that bloom of conviction that promises amend- ment. HOW TO MAKE LOVE. I HAD taken up a paper and was nev o4 conning over the news, when a haut 2:96 THE OBSERVANT ton daughter of Eve, or gossamer sylpb, glided into the library, to en- quire for the fourth volume of the ^' Observant Pedestrian;" protesting to the librarian, it was one of the most lively entertaining books she ever read 5 then turning to a young whiskered buck in pink pantaloons, " Mr. Jessamy," cried she, *^ have you ever read this work ?'^ '* No, Miss, I never did," replied the unlicked booby, '* Tni uoi/o7id of reading." ** La ! how strange," said the gos- samer sylph, whose whole dress would not have weighed two ounces, ^* did you ever write poetry ?" ** No, Miss, never; indeed I can't say Twfond of it at all." *' What, nor don't you touch the piano or any other instrument ?' con- tinued the lady. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 297 *' No, I'm not fond of music." *' Bless me," re|3lied she, '^ why, what in the world are you fond of then, Mr. Jessamy ?" This was such a close question, that Mr. Jessamy could only squeeze her hand, and give her such a smirk- ing look of signiticance, that it needed no explanation. A moment's pause ensued ; " do you keep pidgeons, Miss, at JLunnun?** asked he. *' Oh dear no, Sir." '* Are you fond of doves, Miss?" ^* Yes, I think turtle doves beau- tiful." ** Then I'll do myself the supreme felicity of sending you a pair, Miss." " Oh, Sir, don't trouble yourself." o5 «98 THE OBSERVANT ** It's no trouble, Miss, my uncle's a poulterer, he has a great choice." At the sound of the word poulterer, the belle of fashion let fall her book, and moved her chair several inches, with evident marks of disgust. *' I hope you didn't catch no cold after the ball, Miss?" •'None at all. Sir." ** Shall you go again on Wednesday night, Miss?" ** No, Sir, to a certainty I shall not," and she rose from her chair in- dignantly. *' I should be very happy to be honoured with your hand, Miss, if you should be there." " I dare say you would, Sir, but Tm like you, I'm not fond of dancing PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 295 with stmngers ; good morning, Mr. Jessamy." ** You'll give me leave, Miss, to see you home?" ** By no means, Sir; I'm not a hli7id woman, in v^^ant of a leading puppy; hah ! hah ! hah ! good morning, Mr. Jessamy, don't trouble me with your uncle's doves, I'm not fond of dumb creatures," and away she dashed like a flash of lightning, leaving her mor- tified ball partner, to jabber his illi- terate nonsense to some lady of less comprehension. ** This is a dashing girl of spirit," said I to myself, as I laid down my paper and walked away towards the cliil'; where passing along, I heard the cries of a child, and the voice of aa old woman in unison. 06 300 THE OBSERVANT READING WITH STOPS. ** There ! there ! and there again !" cried the old woman, exercising a little switch cane across the shoulders of a snivelling boy ; '' now will you mind your stops?" " Set him the example, dame, by shewing him you can stop,' said I, arresting her browri slirivelled arm; * come tell me what's the grievance?' '* Sir," replied the old woman, he's a very sad heedless chap,: if \^q was to begin at Genesis, and go on to Revelations, hed never, no never, make one stop the whole blessed way; and there sits his provoking brother, I declare he's ten times PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 301 worser, for he stops for everlasting ; can't get on three words without coming to a stick fa$t; so IVe la- rupped them both heartily this morn- ing ; come here Billy Brainless, and let the gentleman hear you read this psalm." Billy shook like a leaf; ''' don't be afraid/' said I ; " do your best, and I shall give you a halfpenny." 'TJ'he child coloured, hesitated, and began., ■ '. ■' i *' Blessed is the man," here he paused, spelt, re-spelt, but could not naake jt out. ^iM Well, why don't you go on," cried ,^he old woman, *' what d'ye stop for?" - The trembling boy began again, *'. Blessed is the man," and again he was silent. , 302 THE OBSERVANT " Give him time,' said I ; *' go on, my good boy." *' Blessed is the man/' repeated he once more. "Aye, and blessed is the tvoman too^ who has patience to bear with your stupidity/' said the dame, snatching away the book; " come here Dick Gabble, let the gentleman hear you read ; there. Sir, there's a boy can read out of his own head ; puts in all the words he can think of, and leaves out all there shoidd be; so every week he bothers me with a groats- worth of nonsense, though he can read like a parish clerk if he pleases." »* Well, well," replied I, '' I shall look in, in the course of a week, and whichever reads best of those two great boys, who can read if they choose to be attentive, I shall reward with sixpence ; but as for you, Billy PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 303 Brainless, if you can't read the whole verse, there'll be no gingerbread for you, depend upon it." This gingerbread speech acted like electricity; "/can read, Sir," **/can spell, Sir," resounded from half a do- zen voices. ** You shall all have some if you deserve it,'' answered I. Their countenances brightened with a grin of delight, and 1 left them with the assurance of improvement, of which I afterwards made specimens. A BRIGHTON BUCK. Strolling along, I was attacked by a young fribble, who with more 304 THE OBSERVANT assurance than civility of address, thus accosted me. " Can you tell me in which house Lord Chol-mon-de-ley resided ?" His pompous pedanticity so dis- gusted me, that after staring at him for a moment, I replied in nearly the same tone, ^' enquire of the p-e-o-ple over the way." *' P-e-o-ple," repeated he, ** what d'ye mean by that." *' It's a way I've got of speaking," replied I, '* when conversing with any man, I always adopt his method." " You are a very impertinent fel- low, Mr. P-e-o-ple," resumed he. "And you, Mr. Chol-mon-de ley, are a very pedantic insignificant being," replied I, *' and if you en-q-u-ire in the same way you addressed me, PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED 305 every body will laugh at you as I've the present pleasure to do,'' So making him a supercilious bow, in his oivji style^ I enjoyed a hearty laugh at his expence, and walking coolly away, left him to repeat his nonsensical enquiry to other p-e-o-ple. THE NEW REGAL HYMN. I HAD scarce lost sight of my pe- dantic enquirer, when I met a cherry- merry son of St. Crispin, brandishing a pair of shoes over his head, and in high elee, roaring out the tuue of ** God save the King," to the follow- ing words, which constituted the whole song, and answered to every note, as he. thus began. 306 THE OBSERVANT *' God 2)ersarve his Majesty, God persarve his Majesty, Ma-ha-jes-tyl' The same words continued to the second part of the tune, which if the reader will apply, he will find equally answered ; and thus poor Snob, stag- gering and criss-crossing, was march- ing home to his stall with a job. ** You love your king, Crispin,*' said I. •* Yes/* replied he, " and so does every good man ; suppose you and I drink prosperity to king and country, I'll treat you with another pint of purl with all my heart; come along my hearty, I'm your man, king and country for ever," and again he com- menced his regal hymn. '* Ive not dined my friend, there- fore I can't drink/' said I. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 507 " Can't you," said he, " I can drink at any time; Tve had John Bull for ray dinner.'' " What d'ye call John Bull ?" asked I. "• Roast beef, cooked in the dark" ** How in the dark, my friend?" ** Why, in the oven to be sure,^ replied he; " why, my dear fellow, your a flat, I see you're a flat ;" * God persarve his Majesty,' come sing a- way, sing away, there's nothing like being merry and wise ;' and thus sing- ing and stammering he reeled along, a good fellow at heart no doubt, but a weak one to get intoxicated. This new regal hymn made me snjile, but when I reflected, it was- the composition of a cobler's loyalty, I was jiatisfied with the intention. 308 THE OBSERyANT ~ though not exactly with the execu- tiou. TOT SECOND EDITIOj^. The cryer's bell at some little dis- tance caught my attention, and just as I was thinking it implied some fresh arrived supply of provision, I was hastily accosted by an Irish gea^ tleman, who thus addressed me. " Pray, Sir, and will you be after telling me whether that is not the dinner bell at the Marine Boarding- house, bekays I'm now there d'ye see, and I'll be too late." *' No, Sir,' replied I, ** it's the cryer." ** And how d'ye know that, Sir ; PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 309 a man may cry \vithoiit making a noise ; but wliat I mane is a hell, my dear, that^ hot crying you know." " Pardon me. Sir," resumed I, " you apparendy are not used to the customs of England." ** Aye, you may say that; owld England's my uncle faith and troth ; I'm his own sister's son, so I'll thank you not to deceive me, bekays Fve been nately dished the first day I set foot on shore; for, you must know, I heard a horn and a fellow both roar- ing together, and not a word could I make out that either of them said; so I axed a genteel-looking person what was the matter; och, Sir, said he, and don't you hear what the fellow says?" **No," said I, so I listened again, and then I heard him say something about the second dish on ; oh, oh, and 310 TH£ OBSERVANT are you there my lad," said I, " what dinner's ready, is it." ** Yes, Sir," replied the j^ontleman, ** don't you hear the man's crying the second dish onJ"* " Perfectly well," says I, and away I bolted like a bow out of an arrow ; but when I came to my hotel, devil burn me if there was dish or plate to be seen ; and behold, when I told the landlord the raison of my coming, pah, says he, my dear, that was ' great news,' making much out of nothing; so by Jasus I'll not be dished again in a hurry." " He was announcing the seco7id edition of a gazette, I presume." said I, " Egad," replied Paddy, " whether it's a gazette or a dinner, it makes no odds, if I a'eot in time for the first or , second dish you know/' -PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 311 I could not forbear smiling; ''Sir/ replied I, *' the bell you heard was no indicator of dinner, it was merely the Cryer, I assure you." '' Och, well, well then, let him cry as long as he plaises, we like best to laugh in my country;" then bowing very politely, he walked briskly away, perhaps to listen to the expected sor- row of the c)i/er, and take a peep at his imaginary tears y for he did not comprehend my meaning. THE PAVILLION. '' Which is the perivillion, I don't see nothing like a pencillion no- where," said a citizeness to her hus- band, who had brought her to Brighton for a holiday treat in his own chay. 31£ THE OBSERVANT *' Why, there it is ; that's it ;*» and he pointed his finger. *^ Where?" " Why there, yonder, straight be- fore you." " Why, I don*t see never a pertvil- lion." *' Ye don't see," replied the angry explanator, pointing with his «tick, '* what are you gone blind ? do ^011 see that there centinel against the iron rails?'' " To be sure I do," answered his rib. " Why then, to be sure you see the perwillion,'' *^ What, that low squat place" well, for my part, I never see such ajlat consarn in my life; I thought it was a high place, like a parcel of cocked hats onea'top of t'other, with balls at the corners/' PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 315 ** Pough ! you mean a chaney pe- godo, as different a thing as a Che- shire cheese and a China orange," said the cit; *^ I should like to see the in- side, there's a painted lanthorn room, the most beautiful thing in England, and a thousand curiosities ; but they won't let nobody see it now.'' *' Oh lauk, I don't want to be «tuffed into a lanthorn, not I," said the lady. '' Lanthorn," repeated he, '' vvhy, I tell you it's a roorn^ big enough to hold twenty people." *' Then it can't be a lanthorn^ that's impossible," said the incredulous lady. " Well, well, then it's a lie; have your own way, and there's an end of it; there is no lanthorn, nor no per willion may be ; and the centinei yonder a'ent alive I suppose; per- YOL. I. P 314 THE OBSERVANT haps he's a wooden puppet, and moves upon wires," said he. " Lauk, Jonathan, how snappish you are, and what nonsense you do talk." " Then Pll talk no more ; ax me as many questions as you like, I'll answer none ;'' and turning short round, he hurried her across the Steine, and thereby precluded me the sequel of the pavillion story. Now this said citizen might be a very kind husband, ^nd occasionally a very good-natured man, but he was certainly a techey temper; thoagh, be as tyrannical as he would, he never equalled my acquaintance, Mr. Ro- lando, on whom I popped in my way home, to pay my morning devoir. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED, 315 ^/V^^vv^ «%%«%'» THE TYRANT AND THE SLAVE. He was sitting in all the pomposity of Blue Beard the second ; his listless athletic form extended on a sofa, be- fore which the dinner table was spread, but only one knife and fork appeared, in solo arrangement. His little innocent slave of a wife stood by his side, the image of de- jected humility. ** How do you do, Mr. Rolando, I hepe I don't intrude ; you are going to dinner?" *' No, Sir, no, not yet; take a chair ; Mrs. Rolando, d'ye mean the gentle- p 2 3i6 THfi OBSERVANT man to stand like a post, as you do ; hand a seat ; gracious God, woman, you're mad ; see if you can fetch me another shirt and neckcloth, Mrs, Rolando ; here's no buttons, no starch, no any thing," saying which, he in- dignantly threw them at her. The placid victim of his temper picked them up without a murmur, and was leaving the room, when vo- ciferating in a voice like thunder, he called her back. " Mrs. Rolando, when will m^ fowl be ready ?" '* As soon as possible, my dear.'' " That's a fool's answer, go and look after it, Madam," rejoined he and the door closed. I now instantly turned the conver* PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 3 1 7 sation, to divert his attention ; we talked of the news, the wind, the weather, &c. ; but in ten minutes he rang the bell furiously, and Mrs. Ro- lando obeyed its suininons. " Is the fowl ready, Mrs. Rolando, or is it not? am I to starve all day." ** Why dear, it will soon be ready^ but the fire don't burn brisk." ** D— -n the fire ; are there no coals in the house? no wood? no bellows? no ass with sense enough to make a fire burn ?" The door closed without any reply being returned, and again 1 started a fresh subject; but it did not last many minutes, Monsieur Barbebleu's appe- tite served, and the bell went to work again, and Mrs. Rolando, as usual, presented herself. p3 518 THE OBSERVANT " Is the fowl ready? gracious God, woman, will it ever be ready?" Mrs. Rolando replied, it was coming immediately, which gave me the sig* Hal of departure ; he pressed me to stay and partake with him, which I declined ; observing, a fowl was not too much for himself and wife, to which I wished him a relishing appe- tite. •* Mrs. Rolando never eats fowl,'* said he, ** she'll have a mutton chop an hour hence." " What, does she dine alone ?" an- swered I. ** Oh, yes, most frequently, while I take my nap after my wine ; Mrs. Rolando never takes wine ; in fact, I don't think it agrees with her; we PEDESTRIAN MOUNrED. 5\9 are, you know, in short two very op- posite characters." Yes, thought I, thou art opposition itself, so wishing him good morning, I left him as I found him, in the worst temper imaginable ; but with him it was a constitutional evil, that will perplex him through life ; happy the being who escapes the tyrant's chain. WATTY'S JAMAICA TRIP. Who should I meet with, strolling the beach after dinner, but my re- spected friend, Mr. Walter Merry- thought, who though bronzed by a West Indian Yoyage, had brought back the same smiling countenance 320 THE OBSERVANT of honest friendship, and the same happy flow of facetious humour. Our hands joined in a moment, we were reciprocally pleased, and we sat down on the pebbly beach, to talk over the occurences of absence during eighteen months. He took out his snuff-box ; ** I can't tip you my hoof as I used to do," said he, '* I exchanged it with a faithful Negro, for this metal one, which I call my Jamaica keep-sake ; oh, how glad I was to make my bow to the palm trees, rattlesnakes, the sugar canes, the shaddock, and the whole monarchial tribe of musquito's ; Ja- maica is what I call the deviVs oven; of course to me 'twas the hottest of all hot places, and a thousand times did the blind fidler's song, at ■ PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 321 cross my ideas, when they reverted to England; which was, I believe, «very hour in the day ; but 1*11 tell the story of my embarkation." *' You must know, when I got on the beach, with the pilot and two sailors, who were come to fetch me from the vessel, which lay in sight of the shore; my heart, my coward heart, (replete with the agonizing thought of wife and children, all left perhaps for ever,) revolted under the banner of conrage; I paused a mo- ment, the sailors jumped into the boat, my spirits were uncommonly depressed, a blind fidler stood by my side, scraping a doleful ditty, and re- peating at the end of every verse, " We never ! no never ! shall see him no more;' the words struck to my heart, I chucked sixpence into the fellow's hat; " for the Jove of God/ Z^2 THE OBSERVANT said I, *' tune up a jig, or you'll drive me mad.^' The fidler obeyed, rubbed a fresh touch of rosin on his bow, and struck up ** Drops of Brmidy,'' " that's your sort,'' cried J, *' leapmg into the boat, while the fellow stood scraping on the edge of the shore, till we could hear him no longer; and thus, when I was often fainting with heat and ill- ness, did those words reverberate in my ear, " We never! no never ! shall see him no more," and egad he was very near the mark ; nothing saved me but noughts adage ; oh, if ever I'm caught upon the devil's grid-iron again, I'll give them leave to make a Jamaica cinder of me." ''And what may have brought you here, friend Watty ?" said I. *< Why, faith, the roof of the stage coach, and the seducing company of PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 323 a friend ; we had, I assure you, some very respectable wild ducks amongst ns, and what with laughing, joking, &c., we had a very pleasant, merry journey ; talking of that, I must tell you a laughable circumstance, as re- lated by a gentleman, who had taken a seat next me, which I shall repeat in his own words." THE PAW-PAW STORY. The famous Mr.G of wealthy notoriety, who is a most intimate friend of mine, having occasion to go to Brighton, during the time his splendid villa was undergoing some embellishments, requested I would call and inspect the jjrogress, of which I was to write him word. 324 THE OBSERVANT " Accordingly, on the day speci- fied, having particular business at noon to attend, I took my horse, and set off early before breakfast ; on ap* proaching the house, I rapped and rang loudly on the north side, where I believed the servant's slept; but though I waited with the patience of Job, I gained neither admittance or answer. " At length I called out pretty lustily, desiring them to get up and let me in. " What d'ye want," replied a voice, ** Come down and see," said I. " I won't," repeated the voice ; •* who's there?" " Why, it's me," said I, " open the door." " I wont," was the answer. *' Oh, you w^on't, very well, I shalj inform your master of your insolence." PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 525 ** What d'ye want," again resumed the aggravating tone. •Tm d— d if I tell you," said I, " and turning my horse, I instantly rode back to London, and in the evening communicated by letter, the circum- stance of the insulting behaviour I had received from Mr. G— — 's ser- vants ; but how much was I astonish- ed, when calling on me a week after- wards, he declared he had put every servant to their oath, who all posi- tively declared, they had never heard, seen, or spoken to me." " 'Tis an infamous confutation," re- plied I, repeating the answer I had received. " And did the words proceed from male or female voice," asked Mr. G— . — . ** I know not, I did not see the person ; I was answered from the vox- 1. Q 326 THE OBSERVANT north side of the house, where the butler used to sleep/' "My dear friend," repHed Mr. G— ^ — — ; ** the servant's chambers are all removed, no person sleeps on that side of the house now ; the but- ler's room has been converted into an aviary; the servants could not have answered you from that quarter." Still I persisted in ray assertion; he paused a moment, then bursting into a laugh, "as sure as I live," said he, ^* it was the paw-patv answered you, 'tis exactly his words." My own opinion now coincided, and Monsieur Paw-paw was alone to blame, for the correction the servants had received, and the complete hoax I experienced, for I was never more angry than at the imagined insult I had received. PEDESTRIAN MOUNTED. 32? ** Now this paw-paw hoax/* said my friend Watty, ** you may repeat as a fact, it may serve to make some- body laugh, when cracking their nuts over a winter fire." END OF VOL.1, Pi'immer and Brcvii, Printtr*, Lorv-LiBe, B«aUhMp. s>i ■m. a^^.^:^ .^mm mmm'^ f,^>ms*'^KVr^:- ■*^-^ ^r^^ j(^ ,>•