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LADY 
 
 BULL’S 
 
 DIVORCE. 
 
 (Stated -by Sir John himself.) 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 HARRISON AND SONS, 59, PALL MALL. 
 
 1886. 
 

 I q lj }.,&% 
 
 " J3 ? T 3 11 
 
 ADDRESSED TO MY FAMILY AND MY 
 FRIENDS. 
 
 My divorce from my wife, Lady Bull ( nee Erin Go-Bragh 
 Fitzpatrick of Paddyland), is now so much the topic of the 
 day, both within the family and amongst our dear good- 
 natured neighbours, that it is only due to myself to make 
 a clean breast of this most painful matter. 
 
 The alleged reason for which divorce is sought is, as 
 everybody knows, incompatibility of temper. But this 
 incompatibility of temper is entirely on the side of the 
 lady who demands divorce, and has been for many years 
 
 intensely embittered by the cold hate of him who now 
 j enjoys her private ear, and hopes ere long to occupy my 
 place. I have done her no wrong, and have never refused 
 j to do what is clearly right. This is proved by the co-corn - 
 plainant bringing in, as a rational plea for my divorce, some 
 alleged misdeeds of my forefathers against the Go-Braghs 
 of other generations. Another count is cruelty, — a 
 degrading charge against a man like me. But my 
 “cruelty” lies in this, — that I always try to keep her 
 | worst boys from robbing their brothers, and cutting their 
 throats. Her false “friends” consider this a cruel 
 coercion, unfitting me to be Erin’s husband and protector. 
 
 It is said that this Bill of Divorce is intended simply to 
 
 a 2 
 
4 
 
 permit my wife to manage her own affairs ! What affairs ? 
 Doesn’t Erin, at the present moment, manage me and all 
 her other affairs to boot ? And isn’t that enough for her, 
 or any other wife ? But this innocent-looking Divorce Bill 
 is drawn so as to hand over my wife to Charnell, and her 
 children and all her affairs to the American-Irish heroes of 
 the bowie-knife and revolver. 
 
 My only danger lies in this — some months since, Air. 
 William Earnest Gabblesome (commonly called “Wily Will,” 
 “ the Grand Old Hand,” &c.) cajoled me into appointing him 
 as my chief steward and legal adviser for the very purpose 
 of meeting 1 this dangerous and disgraceful demand for a 
 divorce. Incredible to say, whenever he found himself 
 safely installed as my confidential friend and agent, he 
 wheeled round and headed the assailants of my domestic 
 peace and honour. He now requires my formal consent to 
 this nefarious demand (details to be afterwards arranged), 
 with the threat that, if I dare to withhold it, it will be the 
 worse for me, and I must then look out for my immediate 
 or at least ultimate destruction by dynamite, and other 
 resources of civilization ! 
 
 I now lay the whole matter before you, the members of 
 my family, as it affects the dearest honour and interests of 
 each one of you as well as mine. 
 
 JOHN BULL, Bart., 
 
 Of Broadlands, &c., &c. 
 
FULL STATEMENT OF FACTS. 
 
 I have the honour to be the present poor representative 
 of an ancient family flourishing in England, dating from 
 far beyond the Conquest, and drawing its blood alike from 
 the noblest Norman and Saxon lines. Our lands — rich, 
 broad, and varied — extend, I may say, through every 
 county in England, and include many valuable estates in 
 the Colonies and other countries. The Bulls have for many 
 centuries bravely kept up the family dignity in the front 
 rank of the landed gentry, and have, at the same time, 
 distinguished themselves from their neighbours by sending 
 out their numerous younger sons into businesses of all 
 sorts. The most restless and adventurous of us have 
 always gone abroad to push their fortunes, and met with 
 the most satisfactory and surprising success. While some 
 of them return to spend their money and the evening* of 
 their days in my own neighbourhood, other vigorous 
 members of the race have remained abroad, and set up 
 establishments of their own, rivalling, or, as they rather 
 fondly suppose, excelling the original family seat. As will 
 sometimes happen, even in the best regulated families, 
 there is a good deal of half-brotherly jealousy between us 
 of the old stock and these rising and flourishing younger 
 branches. Some of these, I regret to say, have even gone 
 to law with me, and after much strife, cut the connection 
 
6 
 
 completely, and advertised the fact to all men as a great 
 achievement. I myself am a most peaceful soul, but much 
 of the Bull blood is hot and combative; and I often fear 
 that even my peacefulness is a cause of strife. 
 
 Immediately to the north of the Bull estates lies a rough, 
 barren, hilly region, so situated that a ring fence could 
 enclose both, and round them off into a perfect estate, 
 beautifully compact and complete. This hilly district has 
 been held from time immemorial by the ancient clan of the 
 Scotts of Benmoor and Glenburnie, a family well known 
 all over the country, the renowned Sir Walter being 
 perhaps its most famous member. This race of Scotts, 
 poor and yet proud, prudent and yet spirited, go all over 
 the world, and rise wherever they go, but they too are still 
 oftener than the Bulls attracted home to their own rough 
 moors and rocky hills. Indeed, they are in many ways, 
 more like the Bulls than many of the Bulls themselves. 
 Well, neighbours so like each other should have been 
 friends as well as neighbours, but perhaps they were at 
 once too like and too near. I must confess that the Bulls 
 for several generations tried to oust the Scotts from their 
 lands by questioning their titles to them, and claiming the 
 freehold ; on more than one occasion taking forcible posses- 
 sion of houses and lands, and carrying off the charter 
 chest and other muniments. The Scotts, however, called 
 up their whole clan of tenants, crofters, shepherds, and 
 gillies, and after much fighting, bore back the Bulls over 
 the boundary marches. There was much strife and bad 
 blood between the families for many years afterwards — 
 indeed, for nearly all the time of the Sir Edwards and Sir 
 
7 
 
 \ 
 
 Henrys, and not to speak of the many broken heads and 
 other damages, the law costs and other expenses were 
 enormous. 
 
 Later on, the eighth Sir Henry Bull attempted to cut 
 short this tedious contest by abducting the young heiress 
 of the Scotts as a wife for his son, a young man of most 
 amiable character, only too good for this world ; while the 
 heiress, Lady Mary, was of such surpassing loveliness that 
 she is remembered to this day as the envy of the one sex, 
 and the delight of the other. It was an excellent match ; 
 but Sir Henry’s ill-judged and hot-headed attempt to get 
 quit of the formality of marriage settlements by the forcible 
 abduction of the heiress, so irritated the whole name of 
 Scott, that they married off-hand that charming young lady, 
 with all her acres, to the eldest son of Sir Henry’s mortal 
 enemy. That was a disaster. The Scott family did not 
 object so much to the match as to the style of wooing ; Sir- 
 Henry having, in course of courtship, burnt down the old 
 castle, and all the churches, farm-houses and cottages on 
 the south side of the Glenburnie estates, whenever he found 
 that Lady Mary had slipped through his fingers and 
 escaped. This did not tend to allay the feud, which became 
 more and more bitter for many a dreary day. 
 
 But by-and-by there came a Bull of cooler blood, my own 
 grandfather, Sir John, to hold the family lands and fortunes. 
 Looking back over the whole history of this expensive and 
 disastrous contest, and laying to heart the mistakes his 
 ancestors had made, he formally proposed an honourable 
 union of marriage with the heiress of his day, Miss 
 Caledonia Scott. Much of the old family hostility still 
 
8 
 
 smouldered red, but at last wisdom and good feeling 
 prevailed, and, after much difficult and tedious negotiation, 
 this “ Treaty of Union,” as it was called, was solemnly 
 agreed to, and the marriage was accomplished, which 
 brought “ peace with honour ” to both sides for the first 
 time for many generations. This marriage was one of 
 those rare and happy unions, in which both parties under- 
 stand and respect each other more, and love each other 
 better, as the peaceful years roll on. It was a marriage 
 almost without a history. Some occasional tiffs arose, of 
 course, but they were short and far between. Sir John 
 was a happy man, and knew it. His wife brought him a 
 large family of bonny daughters and tall, broad-shouldered 
 sons, who did Sir John’s work, and upheld Sir John’s 
 honour in the face of all men, and all the world over. But 
 it was a common remark among the neighbours, that while 
 they thoroughly respected Sir John, they all loved their 
 mother Caledonia more tenderly and well. 
 
 In coming at once to the burning question of my own 
 life, I pass without a word the fortunes of my father, Sir 
 George, who introduced into the family some princely 
 German blood, and left amongst us a lady whom we all 
 revere. When I came to my present position as head of 
 the house, I looked back and learned wisdom from these 
 happy results of my grandfather’s well-assorted Union with 
 the heiress of the North. My own youthful feelings turned 
 to my pretty and interesting ward (who had been my 
 father’s ward as well), the lively and witty Miss Erin 
 Gobragh, heiress of the Fitzpatricks of Paddyland. The 
 lady was (and still is, by Jove !) most fascinating and 
 
9 
 
 attractive, and 1 shall not attempt to deny that the lands 
 were somewhat attractive too. The clear revenue of the 
 estate was really scanty, for everything was out of order, 
 and required a large and continuous outlay; the tenants 
 were difficult to deal with, the expenses were very great, 
 and the thanks were very small. I knew all this perfectly, 
 of course, as the young lady’s guardian, and as a mere 
 money speculation nothing could well be worse. My motives 
 were mixed, of course, but could not be sordid; for the 
 whole gross income from Paddyland was a very trifling 
 fraction of my own, and that income was almost, if not 
 entirely, swallowed up in keeping that poor estate in 
 tolerable order. 
 
 But, as I am making a clean breast of it, I do confess 
 that over and above my darling Erin’s personal charms 
 and piquante, pretty ways, there were other considerations 
 not unfelt. Perhaps you may know that her property and 
 mine are intricately dovetailed into each other, and are 
 separated only by certain narrow channels of water which 
 run into the very heart of both estates. Obviously, if an 
 enemy once got possession of Miss Erin and Paddyland, 
 there could be nothing but bad blood, ill words and deeds, 
 and eternal strife between us all our days, which such a 
 strife would be sure to cut short. I really loved the girl 
 (I do so yet), and the idea of her being another’s, and of 
 lifelong strife between us, was utterly horrible to me. I 
 had done the duties of my guardianship, not skilfully, I 
 dare say, but to the best of my business ability, and really 
 as well as any other man. I could not bear to contemplate 
 her in the possession of another who should contemptuously 
 
 / 
 
10 
 
 undo all my plans for our mutual good, and the improve- 
 ment of the estate. Both land and lady lay together very 
 near my heart. The girl must and would be married soon, 
 and I, and no one else — no confounded Don or Monsieur — 
 must be the man to marry her. As to the ticklish tenantry, 
 I felt I could manage them better, a3 husband of pretty 
 Erin and proprietor of Paddyland, than I ever could as her 
 mere guardian and friend. 
 
 Naturally enough, there were several suitors for Miss 
 Erin’s hand and fortune, and especially two great territorial 
 magnates, Mons. Francais and Don Whiskerandos. Now, 
 really, whatever Erin may say, they did not care for her, 
 or desire her for her own sake, but solely to annoy me by 
 thwarting my affections, and by attacking me in the rear 
 from Paddyland and ruining myself and my tenantry* by 
 continual contentions. I knew that if she accepted either 
 of those fellows, who wooed her, not because they cared 
 for her, but because they hated me, there could be nothing 
 but untold misery for us both. So, I stood on my 
 guardianship, and prevented all access to my ward. At 
 every attempt to reach her I sallied forth with a sturdy, 
 active cudgel, and reasoning forcibly with it, after some 
 exertion sent them off, one after another, disfigured and 
 disenchanted. Even when in their rage, the whole of them 
 came on at once, they were sent, sore and empty, away. 
 Accordingly, there were no more personal visits, or 
 proposals more or less honourable, though every now and 
 then there came from a safe distance clandestine vows of 
 undying love. Bless you, I know they never had a chance, 
 though Miss Go-Bragh pretended to fancy they had. Don’t 
 
11 
 
 all the women wish to make believe that they have had an 
 extensive choice of eligible young men! Well, even my 
 Erin was no exception to the taking little arts of her sex. 
 She was, and still is, woman all over. 
 
 But there was and always would be a danger, so long 
 as she remained single, and so I got over ail preliminary 
 obstacles and made my proposals in due form. There was 
 some coy reluctance on her own part to give up her 
 liberty, and a great display of sharp practice and double 
 dealing on the part of her agents, and her tenants, and 
 cousins, and uncles and aunts. I did not let trifles stand 
 in my way, and simply put something into every Paddy 
 hand that was held out to me — and there were hundreds 
 of them, if not thousands. Well, after sacking an un- 
 conscionable amount of blackmail among them, to withdraw 
 their sham opposition, and finding there was no more to be 
 had, and that I was getting tired and disgusted, at last 
 they consented ; the settlements were signed, and amid 
 loud rejoicings and congratulations, Miss Erin Go-Bragh 
 Fitzpatrick of Paddyland became my honoured wife — Lady 
 Bull. All the settlements and arrangements were copied 
 from the “Treaty of Union” which formed so happy a 
 marriage between Sir John, my fortunate grandfather, and 
 that rare woman, Miss Caledonia Scott. I was as good a 
 husband, if not better (and I am so still), and as determined 
 to make my wife a happy woman. But I shall not antici- 
 pate what has befallen me in my later middle age, 
 especially since my appointment of a traitor as my 
 steward. 
 
 As might be expected, people said ill-natured things in 
 
12 
 
 abundance ; — such as that I was looking mainly at the 
 estate of Paddyland and the exclusion of all rivals from 
 the too near neighbourhood of my own estate, — that I was 
 imperious in temper, while she was hot and impulsive, — 
 that I had a great fund of stupidity mixed up with my 
 very common sense, — that I never could or would under- 
 stand Miss Erin Go-Bragh, — that I was Protestant and she 
 was Catholic, and would let the priest get between us, — 
 that Erin was frisky and incalculable, and would find the 
 Bull menage intolerably respectable and dull, — that she had 
 a feminine incapacity for reason, and capacity for believing 
 lies and mischievous nonsense, — that there was great 
 natural incontpatibility of temper and character between 
 us, — and that they would not be surprised to witness, first 
 coldness and distrust, then direful domestic broils, and then' 
 divorce. I proudly told them that their wish was father 
 to their thought, and that we, Erin and I, were determined 
 to do well and disappoint them all. 
 
 But, proverbially, it is the onlookers who see the game ; 
 and I have found a sad and terrible reality in the prediction 
 of the stealthy, intrusive priest, and the other suggesters 
 of evil and fomenters of discord, as well as in poor dear 
 Erin’s readiness to listen to everybody but me. 
 
 Into our early married life I need not enter now. We 
 had light and shade, and occasionally all sorts of weather 
 at home. I was kept very busy defending ourselves and 
 both estates from the desperate assaults of envious neigh- 
 bours, and did so most effectually, though at a great 
 expense — an expense not- yet quite paid off. Erin went 
 with me heart and soul ; and her straight -limbed, light- 
 
13 
 
 hearted, heavy-handed lads were a most welcome reinforce- 
 ment when we were too hard pressed. Often we were 
 hard pressed indeed, but still we were happy through it all. 
 Some tiffs we had, but we soon forgot them. Our family 
 was large and ever-increasing, but hearty and healthy 
 withal, though bed and board got rather tight for us. 
 
 Our real heart-breaking domestic troubles arose with the 
 engagement of our new steward, William E. Gabblesome. 
 For this position we have always secured the services of a 
 first-class man, the estates being so very extensive, so 
 widely scattered, and so multiform, and the family and 
 home business so large and lucrative in good times, and so 
 liable to loss when times are bad, as they always are now- 
 a-days. To secure the services of such a man, the custom 
 of the family has been to give him a seven years’ tenure of 
 office, unless the holder should become distasteful to the 
 tenants. Whenever that occurs, they have merely to say 
 that the steward has lost their confidence, and out he goes 
 at once. This custom makes things sweet for the time, but 
 obviously it has its dangers. All the tenants’ voting 
 powers are equal, though their interests and their fitness to 
 judge of a steward’s qualifications are as different as 
 possible. Now, William has always shown a peculiar 
 eagerness to secure the good-will and support of those who 
 know the least, and have been the least successful in 
 life. These he calls the capable men — meaning, I suppose, 
 capable of taking in anything — men of capacity. He, too, 
 is a man of great capacity — capable of anything. He 
 ^ addresses himself to these people with the most skilful 
 earnestness, and the most seductive Christian tone; calls 
 
14 
 
 them his brothers, his own flesh and blood, and leads each 
 man to fancy that lie is the object of William’s peculiar 
 sympathy and care. Very peculiar indeed ! 
 
 His aims are as peculiar as his means. His fixed notion 
 is that the steward is by right the proprietor, and that, 
 if he condescend to offer me now and then some few 
 observances of empty etiquette, he can so work the usages 
 of the estates as to be my master and not my servant. 
 This is at the foundation of every question between us. 
 
 I must, however, confess with shame, that he has studied 
 my peculiarities with far more skill than I have studied 
 his. He knows my weaknesses especially, like a book, and 
 every one of them he can twist and turn to his own 
 advantage. He knows my deplorable foible of generosity 
 before justice, and my equally deplorable good nature and 
 want of memory for offences and offenders. Through them 
 he fools me to the top of my bent. He knows that if he 
 can only manage to postpone explanation of awkward and 
 compromising facts till my wrath have once cooled down, 
 I never can get up the same indignant heat again. And 
 then, postponing and postponing, and explaining, as he 
 calls it, in words which are never what they seem, first 
 one part, and then another and another, till I hardly know 
 whereabout he is, he completely mystifies me, and gets off 
 scot-free. Subsequently, his explanations always want to 
 be explained, and further explained, and expanded and 
 expounded, and revised, and altered, and improved, and 
 reformed, and sophisticated, till everything is mixed up 
 and confounded with everything else, and anything what- 
 ever may be affirmed of everything and denied of every- 
 
15 
 
 thing*, or both at once, with equal plausibility. If by some 
 rare chance he deviates into a direct and definite statement, 
 off he goes to Hansard (the copying book) and doctors it 
 into the requisite duplicity — or triplicity. 
 
 As I am now making a clean breast of the causes that 
 have brought me and my innocent family to this horrible 
 position, I shall now candidly confess to you the secret of 
 William’s wonderful ascendancy over me. It is this. He 
 lias skilfully elaborated a most potent and glorious liquor, 
 solely for his own gratification and mine, styled by himself 
 and his friends “ Mighty Magniloquence,” but known to 
 the world by its brand of “ Verbosity ” — u Gabblesome’s 
 own exuberant sparkling verbosity.” It is quite impossible 
 for those unfortunate people who have never tasted it, even 
 to conceive the delicious intoxication produced by this 
 most seductive drink. I am well assured that there can 
 be no danger in this dear indulgence, for William himself 
 often, at his chambers and elsewhere, honestly shares its 
 joys along with me, revelling in the glorious sensations it 
 imparts, and as gloriously inebriated as myself with the 
 exuberance of his own verbosity. How divine are these 
 sensations ! When I quaff with him the crowning goblets 
 of verbosity I feel myself quite a new man — rich, wise, 
 and unspeakably noble and liberal! I feel that I have 
 ascended into a world where everybody is to be implicitly 
 trusted in every way with everything, every woman with 
 every secret, and every man with all the property I have ; 
 a world where those misunderstood unfortunates whom no 
 one else will trust — American-Irish, Russians, Boers, 
 Bulgarians, and other blackguards — are to become, by my 
 
16 
 
 kindly trusting them, so supernaturally honest, that they 
 will nobly decline to do what they most desire to do, and 
 have threatened to do, and vowed to do, and what I am to 
 give ihem all liberty and facility to do, simply because 
 that would pain and disappoint my heart and lower my 
 esteem for them and faith in them; a world, in short, 
 where everybody, even the lowest, only wants to be put 
 upon his Honour , and all will be well ! Administered by 
 William’s own liberal hand, this elixir of life fills my great 
 heart with the soothing, swelling thought, that while even 
 these friends of his have something noble in them, / am of 
 all men the best, the noblest, the Jiberalest, the generousest, 
 while dariing William, that grand old gentleman, is wiser 
 and nobler still than I. He it is that has educated, 
 liberalised, glorified, exalted me, till my brain grows dizzy 
 with my moral elevation, and my heart feels big to bursting 
 with my moral grandeur ! It is a very Heaven of 
 Rapturous Delight ! 
 
 Just at this stage, he invariably presents some little Bill 
 for my acceptance, and being in no critical mood, 1 
 gloriously grant it, whatever the amount — were it 
 hundreds of millions — trusting myself entirely to the lofty 
 principles of my Honourable Friend. When presented for 
 payment, William indignantly declares that any curiosity 
 regarding the consideration for which it had been granted 
 is injurious and insulting to him, and unworthy of me, and, 
 indeed, that the whole matter of the Bill now to be paid is 
 “ Ancient History ”! If I still feel dissatisfied, another and 
 another glorious bumper of William’s own sparkling ver- 
 bosity makes me as happy as a King, and entirely oblivious 
 
17 
 
 of all sordid circumstances which vainly try to intrude 
 themselves upon my notice. What a grand old gentleman 
 he is, and how nobly he trusts me ! Even my very enemies 
 are delighted when he is at my side, and compliment me 
 on possessing such a treasure of a steward. 
 
 All would be well, if it never were to-morrow morning ! 
 But when it dawns 
 
 It is most unfortunate for William, and still more for 
 me, that, whenever he comes into office, all my accounts 
 get suddenly larger, and the services for them smaller 
 and less reliable; while every one of my neighbours now 
 makes the most unscrupulous claims against me, with 
 threats of assault or legal proceedings, or demands for one- 
 sided arbitrations as a form of surrender. Whenever I 
 venture to express to William my regret that I cannot 
 submit to this or that absurd demand for the surrender of 
 my rights, his invariable objection is, that if I am to insist 
 on rights, there will be a controversy or a contest at law, 
 and that my opponent in pursuit of his interests may even 
 proceed to assault me in public, and that my dignity as well 
 as my person will be damaged. He then, posing as a 
 Christian, and taking all the credit of the act to himself, 
 nobly offers them to give up my rights, to save my skin, 
 as an example to the world of Christian humility. His 
 notion of Christianity is — Funic — in his opinion the grandest 
 attribute of man! But curiously, I never heard of him 
 giving up any of his present rights, however doubtful these 
 might be. Personally, and as a party man, indeed, his 
 chief characteristic is his greed in grasping at the rights 
 of others. Bat the kind and amount of Christian humilia- 
 
 B 
 
18 
 
 tion and self-sacrifice lie compels me voluntarily to exhibit, 
 at my own expense and for his glory, is simply appalling. 
 Still more appalling is the air of superhuman virtue with 
 which this peculiar Christianity at my expense is paraded 
 before a wondering world. 
 
 In this way, I am compelled by William, as my keeper, 
 to submit to every demand of every Boer and bully I may 
 may meet, and such people now take care to encounter me 
 everywhere. They count on William’s worship of Funk as 
 the ruling fact of the situation. The Boer or bully has only 
 to say that, although I have to keep all my contracts with 
 him, he declines to keep any of his with me, and the whole 
 matter is at once decided against me by my smiling, smiling 
 steward, whose “ Christian Generosity ” makes generosity 
 and Christianity stink in my nostrils. His notion is that an 
 agreement is binding on me, as a man of honour, and at 
 the same time not binding on the other fellow as a man of 
 the world. Accordingly, I am to keep the agreement, 
 while the Boer or bully keeps the advantages, tears up the 
 treaty, and throws the fragments in my face. This is the 
 uniform outcome of everything William has done in my 
 behalf. It is awfully tiresome to me ; but seems quite jolly 
 for him ; for he immediately proceeds gravely to make new 
 conventions and agreements in my name with the very 
 same scoundrels, in which he carefully records as settled 
 all he has compelled me to submit to, and with equal care 
 commits me to untold and unbounded exactions and 
 humiliations for the future. 
 
 Not knowing how I have had myself bound hand, and 
 foot, and never having felt, themselves, the dear, delightful 
 
19 
 
 exuberance of Gabblesome’s verbosity, all my neigh- 
 bours think me crazy, or in my dotage ; and who can 
 wonder? I have been mad again and again, intoxicated 
 with the deleterious gas of a windy oratory. Of 
 course, my worthy neighbours have been acting on the 
 sincere and glad conviction that my mind and body ar<3 
 both decayed, that I am breaking up, and very soon will 
 be defunct, leaving my family and my affairs in a 
 sorry plight. This has tested them thoroughly, and, 
 sad to say, scarcely one has stood that test. The 
 very “friends” who gave me the pas on all occasions 
 when old Ben Beacon was my faithful friend and 
 counsellor, now surround me in a watchful ring, ready 
 to grab at all I have whenever I succumb, and only 
 restrained by jealousy of each other regarding their 
 respective shares of the plunder. 
 
 But by far the most impudent thing that has been said 
 or done by any of them is Ivan Rusko, the Great Bear’s 
 rude remark, that he will be at peace with me, only so long 
 as his honourable friend William Gabblesome is retained as 
 my steward ! Only think of the coolness of the burglar 
 who dictates to you that you shall keep only such servants 
 as shall suit his purposes ! He will be righteously angry, 
 forsooth, if I shall have as steward one who will be faithful 
 to me rather than one who will be faithful to him ! What 
 next ? — and next ? 
 
 And then he sends him women — charming, clever women, 
 — 0. K., &c., you understand. What else he sends him I 
 am the last to know ; but what he sends to his underlings 
 I do know, — rewards and honours, forsooth! — honours, 
 
 B 2 
 
20 
 
 from such as he to such as they ! If W. were stronger 
 anywhere but in the tongue he would remind me of Samson 
 and Dalilah, only that it is my secrets, and not his own, 
 that he betrays in return for all her blandishments. They 
 even do their endearments in public. Faugh ! The Hebrew 
 fool, poor fellow, was honester, modester, wiser ; though 
 he, too, was overmuch addicted to flourishing the jawbone 
 of an ass. 
 
 Formerly, how very different was my happy, honoured 
 life. When my old friend and faithful servant Ben Beacon 
 was my steward and legal adviser, every one with whom 
 I came into contact was most pleasant and respectful. 
 Indeed only one ever ventured to take action against my 
 rights and interests, a big hulking giant of a fellow — an 
 intimate friend of Mr. Gabblesome’s — commonly called the 
 Great Bear. But Ben Beacon showed him such a plucky 
 front, (notwithstanding William Gabblesome’s deliripus out- 
 cry to yield him everything he asked,) that the Great Bear 
 sullenly withdrew his claims and his reluctant claws from 
 the prize already in his grasp. Ever after I enjoyed peace 
 with honour. How long ago that seems ! How the whole 
 world has been altered to me since I lived that happy, safe, 
 and honoured life, and yet that honoured life was mine only 
 six short years since. 
 
 It came to an end by the active alliance of my own 
 steward Gabblesome with my avowed enemy working in 
 concert on the weakest, lowest, and most dishonest and 
 ignorant of the tenants, the one in Broadlands and the 
 other in Paddyland. Sic transit gloria mundi . 
 
 You have all asked indignantly, how could we commit 
 
21 
 
 such a folly ? To tell the very truth, the honest man had 
 no verbosity ; he did not know the secret of its concoction, 
 and I dare say deemed it deleterious to me. Not even 
 once did he assure me that all men were to be trusted, 
 or exclaim what a good and noble creature I was ! Not 
 once did he flatter the Commons on the sublimity of their 
 virtues and their faith in him. However, he did all our 
 business honourably, successfully, and most economically. 
 Whenever I woke up to any danger, I found that Honest 
 Ben had long ago foreseen it, and provided for it — to the 
 surprise and disgust of all ill-minded people. But he did 
 not love my enemies, nor did they love him, and so, as 
 Wily Gabblesome was wont to say, “ He could not have 
 been a Christian ! ” Now, no one can ever say as much of 
 Wily, who came out as a Grand Old Gentleman, and 
 fuddled us all in a way that makes one look back with 
 wonder. Some time before, be had got my consent to a 
 law that no treating was permissible, always excepting 
 with verbosity, of which delightful drink he has a strict 
 monopoly. Wasn’t that clever, now ? 
 
 And so, for these astonishing* reasons, we dismissed old 
 Ben, who went down at once into his little country place, 
 and with a simple primrose in his button-hole, sauntered 
 along the rural lanes. Very soon he died and was buried. 
 1 went to his funeral, and laid his faithful old head in the 
 grave, but Wily Gabblesome carefully lost the train, and 
 could not come. This must be true, for he told me so. 
 
 From that dark day till this, neither Gabblesome nor I 
 have thriven one hour, but misfortunes upon misfortunes 
 have assailed us, not singly, but in battalions. They are 
 
22 
 
 overwhelming now — but overwhelming me — not him. He 
 is on the other side ! 
 
 As I have often said, the Paddyland estates are the most 
 ticklish ones in the world to manage. Still, I have contrived 
 to manage them somehow, and though there have been 
 many difficulties, yet on looking back over my administra- 
 tion, I can see, and even prove, a great general advance- 
 ment. But as soon as Steward Gabblesome found himself 
 safe, with a seven years’ tenure of power in his pocket, and 
 every office crammed with his friends, all looking to him as 
 master, and not to me, he informed me that he was to 
 manage the estate on Paddyland principles, by which he 
 meant the wildest notions of the most ignorant and savage 
 Paddies he could get hold of ! 
 
 To give you one example. During my guardianship I 
 had erected a church on the estate for myself and my 
 friends, and as many of the tenants and retainers and 
 labourers as liked to attend. Not very many did so, and 
 the reason was a striking one. Whenever anyone w T as 
 seen going to church with me, the “Irish idea” was to 
 waylay him going home, and beat him within an inch of 
 his life — sometimes, indeed, a good many inches beyond 
 that. A good number of substantial farmers had gone 
 over to aid me in introducing industry and high farming 
 among farmers who could not farm. Many of these were 
 from the Bull estates, but still more from the Scott estates 
 in the North, and it was a hard thing if these good men, 
 with their good wives and children, could not dare to go to 
 church or chapel as they liked. But as there was continual 
 strife and maiming, and even murder on this account, and 
 
23 
 
 as it was hurtful to the feelings of the Paddylanders to see 
 the respectable people having- a church of their own to go 
 to, Steward Gabblesome, in his wisdom, deemed it best 
 that 1 should withdraw all countenance and support from 
 these few offensively respectable people and their church, 
 and therefore he did so in my name. In many distant 
 parts of the estate now they have either to join with those 
 Catholic workers of “ Irish ideas,” or abstain from going 
 to any place of worship. This William declares to be a 
 glorious result, brandishing his arms about, and muttering 
 some rubbish about the felling of upas trees. Whatever* 
 can the man mean ? 
 
 But the chief peculiarity of Paddyland is that the tenants 
 hold it to be a mortal sin and shame to pay the rent, and a 
 mortal offence to ask for it. To pay is to confess yourself 
 inferior, when the main principle of morals and politics is, 
 that “ one man is as good as another — aye, and a great 
 deal better.” Base is the slave who pays ! Their notion 
 is that when a gentleman buys a piece of land for hard 
 cash, gained no doubt by someone’s hard labour, such 
 property is Theft, and the rent for it is Bobbery ; in fac 
 that the land does not belong at all, at all, to the man who 
 pays for it, but to the man who doesn’t. All the latter 
 requires to do is to get hold of the land by offering a rent 
 for it, and then repudiate that rent as too much, and when 
 it is reduced, repudiate all rent as immoral and dishonest, 
 and dare any devoted process-server to disturb him in the 
 enjoyment of his “just rights”! And so, by a sort of 
 sacred hocus-pocus, sanctioned by the Holy Church, 
 Robbery becomes Property, and Property becomes Robbery, 
 
24 
 
 so that any man has a right to it, except the man who 
 pays for it ! These are the Paddyland principles, the Irish 
 ideas, adopted and enforced at my expense by my own 
 steward, William Gabblesome, as the ideal of justice, and 
 the chief end of man — at least in Lady Bull’s estate of 
 Paddyland, which it is his duty to manage and preserve. 
 If he were to conserve our rights to our own, he fears he 
 might be called a Conservative, which is a vulgar, stupid 
 principle; while by freely forgiving everyone who owes 
 me anything, he earns the noble name of Liberal. I must 
 have read somewhere of an Unjust Steward who acted in 
 the very same way, making himself friends by means of 
 Mammon or unrighteous money, but I never took it up 
 as an example to be strictly followed. Evidently Earnest 
 Gabblesome does. 
 
 His reasoning is original. Now, originality in morals is 
 always doubtful, if not dangerous. The moral law he holds 
 to be divine ; — indeed he is always quoting it as such. The 
 will of the people, or of any vulgar fraction of the people, 
 is also, as he holds, divine. Vox Populi, vox Dei.” But 
 when the will of the people, or some of the people, cannot 
 be brought up to the moral law, then the moral law must 
 be brought down to the will of these people, so that these 
 two divine rules may coincide, as they always ought. The 
 grand new Gabblesome maxim is to change that will which 
 can be changed most easily. The Paddylanders have found 
 out that this is his guiding principle, and resolved that it 
 shan’t be their will that is to go to the wall. Let Steward 
 Gabblesome take the moral law into his own hands, they 
 say, or we shan’t vote for him. So accordingly he does, and 
 
25 
 
 annuls it in Paddyland, though still generously willing to 
 allow it to rule in Saturn and Jupiter. But as he does not 
 know whether these are inhabited at all, this concession to 
 Divinity does not amount to much. 
 
 When a man with money and ideas of benevolence, com- 
 bined with business, goes to Paddyland to invest his gold, 
 he finds very soon that what he gets for it is not land but 
 lead, while someone else gets the land, who was not such 
 a fool as to pay for it. If he object to that return for his 
 money, let him leave his dirty guineas and his dirty acres 
 to better men, and let him run for his life, and then lose all 
 claim for mercy or consideration as an accursed absentee. 
 Other loans and debts are still recognised, if not even 
 sometimes repaid, but it is a sacred duty to refuse the rent 
 of land, and a crime of the deepest dye to pay it. Such a 
 crime soon gets what it deserves. If you ever see the 
 hedges and ditches of Paddyland lined with a noble 
 peasantry with loaded guns, they are not waiting there for 
 such small game as hares or rabbits, but for some low dog 
 who has forfeited his wretched life for the crime of paying 
 the rent he has promised for the land he has cropped. Such 
 a villain is boycotted in life, and Wheelered in death, and 
 ail the priests and people say Amen, and rush to the holy 
 sacrament as a token of the divine satisfaction at their 
 performance of their sacred duties. As the Bishops have 
 just assured the Pope, the Paddyland saints are never so 
 earnest in religious rites as when they are busiest in these 
 exercises of practical virtue ! These two things naturally 
 go together as cause and effect. And, sure, our hottest 
 sympathies are due to those devoted men who take the 
 
26 
 
 trouble to shoot down the villains that pay ! These are 
 the “ Irish ideas ” chosen by William Gabblesome to light 
 him on to Glory. What a heated atmosphere their Heaven 
 must have ! 
 
 The chief director of this grand movement is Charnell, 
 who endeavours to remain a gentleman by diligently 
 doing all his dirty work by deputy. Ilis style is cir- 
 cuitous but effective. First he goes about amongst those 
 virtuous farmers, and promises to abolish their rents, if 
 they will in return stand by him in his virtuous efforts to 
 procure a divorce against me, and possession of my wife 
 for himself. William now says, there is nothing morally 
 wrong in such a bargain. But many of the best men have 
 had the virtue to resist that temptation, though obliged 
 to conceal their virtues, as carefully as others have to 
 conceal their vices and their crimes. Such virtue is most 
 offensive to Charnell, who gives the signal to his bravoes — 
 his Shoridans, Aigans, Careys, and Bradys, to blow these 
 people up, to harass them by midnight alarms and murders, 
 to burn their houses over them, to maim their children, to 
 disembowel their cattle, and in every way to effect what 
 he euphemistically terms their “ removal.” In one word, 
 he and his crew have made a Charnell-TIouse, — a Hell of 
 dear old Paddyland — which used to be such a joyous, 
 rollicking place. All this time Charnell came into my owii 
 presence, looking as calm and as innocent as a lady. 
 Whenever William entered my service to safeguard my 
 dearest interests, but having all the while a secret under- 
 standing with my enemy, he professed to believe all these 
 facts to be wicked stories got up against a man of honour; 
 
27 
 
 and Charnell taking his measure, went, farther and farther 
 every night. He knew William’s price, and that it was 
 only necessary to promise it — not to pay it. 
 
 But some people say, surely there must be some good 
 reason at the bottom of these fierce demands for liberty 
 and divorce. Let us see. When you analyse those that 
 are offered you, after blowing off the froth, you invariably 
 find that Charnell and his friends object to the Ten Com- 
 mandments, as a rule, for them. These never originated in 
 Paddyland, and are therefore unsuited to the genius of its 
 people; and so they have to them a foreign aspect. 
 Besides they are mighty “ inconv anient,” and senselessly 
 forbid all sorts of nice things. And then they say that I, 
 as a pig-headed Saxon, show a most bigoted dislike to the 
 liberties the “boys” like best, and stupidly identify myself 
 with an obsolete Decalogue. 
 
 The second reason is still more strange. Because many 
 generations ago some of my great grandfathers quarrelled 
 with some of hers — many faults existing- and multiplying 
 and mixing on both sides — therefore I must suffer divorce, 
 who have done no wrong. Although many of these 
 quarrels had ended before my birth, and although I have 
 reversed all that reached my day, and yielded far more 
 than justice to people much weaker than myself, who 
 kept telling me all the time how deeply and how des- 
 perately they hated me ; and though I have still calmly 
 persevered in my work of well-doing, and never permitted 
 my thoroughly deserved anger to break forth, though 
 every kindly and too trustful act has been received as a 
 proof of weakness, with curses instead of thanks, yet for 
 
28 
 
 these strongly but vaguely alleged faults of my distant 
 grandfathers against her distant grandfathers, nothing 
 will suffice but this disgraceful condemnable divorce and 
 abandonment of my family to the cruelties and insults of 
 their bitterest and most malignant enemies. In Charnell 
 this is only wicked, and nothing more is expected of him. 
 
 But Gabblesome now simply repeats all that Charnell 
 affirms, and all that he himself has denied. The monster I 
 have to fight has a Gabblesome mouth and a Charnell 
 mind, with Brady’s and Sheridan’s murderous hands. 
 
 But when Gabblesome, my own sworn steward and con- 
 fidential adviser, loudly re-echoes the demands of one whom 
 he has often proved to me to be a villain, and when he 
 gravely argues that this compulsory divorce is a just 
 retribution for the so-called misdeeds of former generations, 
 even though I have far more than rectified and reversed 
 them, I cannot help asking myself, “Is not that insanity:” 
 But let me be reasonable. He is only inebriated with the 
 exuberance of his own verbosity, and have not I too been 
 many a time and oft as far gone as he with the same 
 seductive sparkling intoxicant? At the present moment, 
 I am sober, only too sober, indeed ; but my affairs have 
 been brought to such a fix, that I fear I must again get up 
 the radiant glow which nothing but verbosity seems now 
 to yield me. 
 
 As to those so-called oppressions of long ago, I don’t 
 believe very much of them. At least, those* who rant the 
 loudest regarding them, are those who make the falsest 
 charges against myself. From the known I may judge 
 the unknown. They always begin their stories in the 
 
29 
 
 middle. If they have to tell the story of a massacre of 
 honest men, and innocent women and children, they begin 
 it just at the point when those who did it have been 
 condemned to be hanged, and by this simple expedient, 
 these appear to be not murderers but martyrs. 
 
 If this mode of visiting the apocryphal sins of the fore- 
 fathers upon the latest generations who have ever reversed 
 every wrong, is to be a sacred principle, how is Mr. 
 Gabblesome himself to escape from the guilt and punish- 
 ment of the siaveholding practices of his own father, when 
 Gabblesome himself is living even now on the proceeds of 
 the toil and sale of these poor slaves. Am I to be bound 
 to put into painful practice his loftiest notions of sublime 
 self-denial, while he gets off with the bare profession of 
 them, but claims all the credit for my toils and pains ? 
 
 And how, pray, should my marriage with Erin have 
 made the Paddyland tenantry the poorest and the worst 
 in the world, when my own grandfather’s marriage with 
 Miss Caledonia Scott, precisely similar, and under similar 
 covenants in all respects, has made the tenantry of that 
 estate, the richest, the busiest and the best in the world? 
 When sober, I can’t believe a word of it. If the Paddy- 
 landers are poor, lazy, grumbling and good-for-nothing, it 
 is not my fault, but their own. To prove that the fault 
 lies not in their circumstances, but in themselves, a colony 
 of Scotts were sent over to the north end of Paddyland, 
 and have thriven there quite as well as in their native soil, 
 and have remained, as is their nature, staunch and faithful 
 to me, even when, inebriated with verbosity, I have 
 deserted and betrayed them. 
 
 « 
 
30 
 
 After many efforts to win back Paddyland to sanity and 
 civilization, one of my noblest sons, William E. Forster Bull, 
 of Bradford, volunteered to go to the post of danger, — the 
 office of Chief Secretary of Paddyland, — and uphold my 
 rights and interests there. William was emphatically a 
 noble, just, and honourable man. He was a man of merciful 
 mind, and long before, in the bad years, visited the poorest 
 labourers and tenants in Paddyland, inquired into their 
 necessities, and relieved them from his own big pocket. 
 How different from Gabblesome’s style! Wily always 
 relieves those who can pay him back — at least with votes, 
 but never out of his own pocket, always out of mine, or 
 by way of fine, or rate, or tax, or confiscation, levied on 
 any of my friends who dare distrust him. Faith in Him is 
 salvation, want of it condemnation and ruin. This is his 
 simple Christian creed. 
 
 On this occasion Gabblesome eagerly assented to my 
 dear Forster’s proposal, as it put him out of the way for the 
 present, and his friend Charnell might be confidently 
 expected to put him still farther out of his way for the 
 future. It was not Charnell’s fault that he did not, for his 
 friends and allies diligently made at least twenty known 
 well-planned attempts on honest William’s life. Every 
 day he was in danger of a cruel death from the knives of 
 Charnell’s cowards (Irivincibles they called themselves), to 
 be sanctimoniously disavowed by Charnell, and still more 
 sanctimoniously lamented by Wily Will, who no doubt had 
 a most beautiful and affecting speech all ready composed in 
 anticipation of that “ unfortunate death,” — that “regrettable 
 
 occurrence/ 
 
Meanwhile, Wily Will was found skulking round Char- 
 nell’s jail by deputy (O’Shay), and concocting w T ith him a 
 scheme for their mutual aid and advantage. Uniting their 
 projects, their powers and plans, they were to be most 
 liberal to each other at my expense, dividing my family 
 and estates between them. Charnell was to have, after a 
 little delay, Erin (Lady Bull), and the whole of Paddyland 
 for his share; my foreign and colonial estates were to go to 
 anyone who would take them as a generous gift from 
 Gabblesome ; while the original family estates of Broad- 
 lands and Glenburnie were to be eventually converted into 
 a limited liability company, with Wily himself as sole 
 manager and chief shareholder. Honest William, how- 
 ever, got possession of the terms, and at once resigned his 
 connection with the traitors, telling them he should open 
 my eyes to that underhand villany. After innumerable 
 doublings and windings, Wily Gabblesome and Charnell 
 were brought to book, and read, in my presence, garbled 
 copies of their agreement, with the treacherous stipulations 
 for future concert carefully cut out. But honest William 
 had taken a correct copy, which he then and there pro- 
 duced. Tableau. 
 
 Even then, however, Wily was not silenced, but claimed 
 that he had said written terms were not necessary between 
 men of honour. Still each one fulfilled his part of the 
 bargain, but their mutual aid was made to appear the 
 spontaneous outcome of their mutual admiration, and to 
 arise from a lofty and enlightened regard for my repu- 
 tation in the world, and for my best interests and domestic 
 happiness ! When the verbosity had been flowing free, 
 
32 
 
 and these grand words had been uttered in Gabblesome’s 
 finest earnest and impassioned style, they actually seemed to 
 be possibly true ! But when sobriety and coolness came 
 
 Thank Heaven, dear honest William, at least at the 
 moment, miraculously escaped those many murdering 
 hearts, and hands, and knives, but only to die now in my 
 utmost need, worn to death by the terrible strain of those 
 treacherous and cruel years. 
 
 Next, at Wily’s suggestion, I sent over another of my 
 noblest sons, Frederick Cavendish Bull (why did he not 
 propose his own darling Herbert, I wonder ?) to act as 
 Chief Secretary with the estate’s agent, big Tom Bourke, 
 in bringing' back the Paddvlanders to some slight recog- 
 nition of the moral law, and some moderate regard for the 
 Ten Commandments, which they have never taken to very 
 kindly, offering them the most generous inducements, and 
 even bribes, to induce them to condescend so far. Wily’s 
 plans, however, were far in advance of mine, and involved 
 a complete surrender, step by step, to Charnell’s whole 
 demands. But Charnell had not had time to countermand 
 his general orders, and so that very day Charnell’s Invin- 
 cibles surrounded my beloved son Frederick and my faithful 
 old servant Tom Bourke, and setting upon them with 
 surgeons’ knives, stabbed them to death. Even Wily 
 could not palliate or deny this fact, and being thus com- 
 pelled to confess the reality of many similar acts which he 
 had hitherto made light of, he was constrained to proclaim 
 the Moral Law as still in force in Paddyland. He took 
 care to stipulate, however, that it should be enforced for 
 not more than three years, so that Charnell’s u agreement,” 
 
33 
 
 or “ arrangement,” or “ sacred covenant,” might yet in due 
 course come into play. He took due credit, too, with the 
 other side, for the extreme regret with which he found 
 himself reluctantly forced to coerce Paddy landers with a 
 law so foreign to their feelings and so much opposed to 
 their habits. In this way, he claimed credit from both 
 sides, and, with the expenditure of some first-rate verbosity, 
 obtained it. 
 
 When, very strangely, last summer Steward William 
 broke with his colleagues and assistants, and could not even 
 profess to do my business, either with them or without 
 them, I called in to office Robert Cecil, who had ‘been in 
 those happy, hopeful, prosperous days Ben Beacon’s right- 
 hand man ; and though the weltering mess into which he 
 went for my sake was horrible and awful, in a few short 
 weeks all was going well, and ere six months were gone, I 
 was again the most honoured and respected man in the 
 country. Not one word of legal proceedings now ! Not 
 one threat of assault! Not a single demand for a one- 
 sided arbitration ! And yet Robert never had to say an 
 angry word. Only once or twice he looked significantly, 
 and showed his mighty fist. Nothing more was needed. 
 
 In the hottest haste, William came back indignant, and 
 determined to put a stop to all that ; but when he found I 
 liked it, he demonstrated with all his might that Robert 
 had merely had the devil’s own luck, which, of course, a 
 Christian steward like him could not expect to have. 
 
 But as this was met with smiles of incredulity, he gave 
 i all of us a really startling surprise. This was a formal 
 
 public denunciation of Robert Cecil, as a villain who had 
 
 c 
 
34 
 
 made a treacherous secret agreement with that other 
 villain Oharnell to procure, by hook or by crook, my imme- 
 diate divorce from my dear old wife, Erin, to be placed 
 under his protection, while Oharnell was to do as much for 
 him in return. The charge seemed monstrous and in- 
 credible. But with tears in his eyes turned up imploringly 
 to Heaven, by all that is sacred he besought me, and all 
 those who had my domestic happiness at heart, to break 
 up that base alliance, to frustrate their knavish tricks, and to 
 that great end to make him Grand Steward once again. The 
 best verbosity was set flowing like a fountain, and all of us, 
 thrown into a heat of virtuous indignation, triumphantly 
 elevated William again in power, seeing that that alone, as 
 he averred, could suffice to save me from that direst 
 domestic misery and degradation. 
 
 Now it is incredible, and yet it is true, that not only 
 was this story against Bobert Cecil, commonly called 
 Salisbury, a big, brazen, slanderous lie, but William 
 himself had for some time past determined to do that 
 very deed of villa ny himself, and at the first convenience 
 his hopeful Herbert, his father’s own son, intimated an 
 u agreement,” or “ arrangement,” or “ sacred covenant,” 
 with Oharnell for that precise purpose. Not even in 
 William’s career have I known anything quite so base as 
 this, although most things in that career have had the 
 same bad complexion. 
 
 Now, if a general intrigued in this way to get the 
 command of a great expedition, on the distinct and re- 
 peated charge (afterwards proved false), that his rival 
 general in command had bargained to surrender that 
 
35 
 
 expedition to the enemy, and if when it had been therefore 
 * taken from that rival and confided to his honour, expressly 
 
 to prevent any such surrender, he at once opened secret 
 negotiations with the enemy for making a total surrender, 
 f with the proviso, that it should not in its form be total, 
 
 but that the enemy should be at once put into possession 
 of such positions that it could be made total at their sole 
 discretion ; if a general of any army should do such a deed 
 of shame, what should be done with him ? Shot, I should 
 say, but certainly cashiered and disgraced for ever. Now, 
 why should the honour of my chief steward be so im- 
 measurably below the ordinary military level? 
 
 Even if an ordinary attorney should intrigue in a similar 
 way to obtain the management of a most important case, 
 and then at Amce, for considerations, sell that case to the 
 
 ^7 7 
 
 opposite party, what should be done with him? Would 
 that man’s name remain on the attorneys’ Rolls ? Then, 
 why should the Right Honourable Gabblesome, my chief 
 adviser, director of my business, and keeper of my 
 conscience, stand so far — so very far — below the level of 
 the honour of an ordinary attorney? I should have so 
 dearly liked to think old Gabblesome an able, honest, and 
 successful steward. We have been glorious for weeks 
 together. But, if he is able, honest, faithful, and true to 
 me, every other servant of the House for many generations 
 must have been stupid, dishonest, unfaithful, and false ! 
 Again, if he is all he says, not one of my neighbours ever 
 had an honest man in his service. Again, if he is honour- 
 i able, safe, judicious, and faithful now, he must have been 
 
 the very opposite all his life till now . From the avowal 
 
 c 2 
 
that all his former views have been erroneous, he con- 
 tinually draws the astounding* conclusion of his own 
 absolute infallibility now. But when a weathercock gets 
 mad, of course he accuses everybody of rushing* round the 
 whole horizon ! Such is William Earnest Gabblesome. 
 
 To understand Gabblesome’s pleadings against me, I must 
 recall the strange facts that whoever is an enemy of mine 
 is always a dear frieild and ardent admirer of his; and 
 whoever is a friend of mine is marked out> for the worst- 
 turn that my steward can do to him. To be even sus- 
 pected of good feeling to me, and much more of friendship, 
 is to be subjected to every wrong and indignity, — to be 
 disestablished and disendowed, to be bo3 T cotted, shot at, 
 blown up with dynamite, cut to pieces by cowards called 
 Invincibles, and then, if possible, left unburied like a master- 
 less dog by the wayside. Can I ever be reduced to be 
 villain enough to pardon that? Ilow can I tell till our 
 next deep bouse of verbosity, when W ily asks me to show 
 a Christian arid forgiving spirit? Some unfortunates who 
 had known me in happier times when I was really a Man, 
 and my own Master, have trusted in Gabblesome and me ; 
 and these unhappy people have been invariably betrayed 
 to their ruin, and often to their death, by my servant in 
 my name, — a name once so honourable and so honoured. 
 Day upon day, month by month, year after year, comes 
 the unending roll of ruin and disaster to those so unhappy 
 as to trust in my name now. Poor souls, how little did 
 they know how changed I am. May God do so to me, 
 
 and more alko, if ever I forgive it ! And yet, 
 
 At every stage of every such transaction, every boorish 
 
scoundrel besmears our Old Hand, with the most fulsome 
 praises for his generosity — especially in contrast with me — 
 that generosity being always exhibited in nobly giving 
 away whatever I like the best to the men I despise the 
 most. Indeed, there is no conceivable virtue with which he 
 is not credited in the highest degree, — and all at my 
 expense. Chief of these abominable virtues is his “ moral 
 courage,” “ moral heroism,” and what not ! When he 
 blenches before a Boer,, and runs away at the first blow, 
 that is “moral courage,” — the courage to run away! 
 YY r hen he leaves in the lurch the poor people whom he 
 had induced to side with him from their trust in me, when 
 the men are massacred, and their families enslaved, and 
 when Gabblesome sweetly smiles on those who do it, that 
 is “ Christian Forgiveness,” the. free forgiving, by him, of 
 whatever is done to me ! » 
 
 It is not only the poor and the weak who are done to 
 death for their trust in me, but my best and noblest sons 
 as well. The very son of whom I was proudest and 
 fondest, my darling hero — Charles Gordon Bull — was sent 
 away by Gabblesome to a post of utmost danger, to save 
 my honour which Gabblesome had compromised. In a 
 moment he was off, followed by our dearest love and our 
 highest hopes. Little did we know that he was simply 
 sacrificed, to stave off for a few weeks the detection of 
 some of Gabblesome’s tortuous follies. Whenever he had 
 served that ignoble end, he was left to perish at his lonely 
 post, calling in vain for the slightest aid to enable him to 
 save my honour, and to rescue crowds of wretched people 
 who had trusted in me, — and also in him. True, Gabble- 
 
38 
 
 some sent him a tardy message when surrounded (No I 
 hemmed in was the proper word), telling him, just to run 
 away and leave them all to perish there ! What a cowardly 
 message to send to a Gordon, just as if he had been a 
 Gabblesome ! • When at last, authentic word came that he 
 and all he had so long protected were no longer able to 
 stand ujd for want of food, were butchered in a mass, off 
 went Gabblesome to the theatre, to relieve his overcharged 
 gratification at this result, by uproarious laughter at a 
 vulgar farce ! At that dreadful sight, I sickened, and even 
 yet I cannot trust myself to say a single word regarding it. 
 
 On the first anniversary of the very day when my 
 heroic son, Charles Gordon, died deserted at his distant 
 post, for my sake and for my honour, Wily Will starts his 
 scheme for my divorce from Darling Erin, and the abandon- 
 ment of our family to their bitterest foes. This is merely 
 a multitude of Gordons treacherously destroyed en masse. 
 In his exposition of that scheme, he leaves the children of 
 the marriage entirely at the disposal of Charnell, Haley, 
 Aigan, Shoridan, with all their Curleys, Careys, and Bradys, 
 whom he considers men of honour, decency, justice, and 
 mercy, and perfectly fitted for that parental duty. For 
 all my friends scattered over Paddyland, and living there 
 on the faith of my protection, the unpledged honour of 
 Charnell and Co. is all the guarantee they are to get. 
 From that crew my children can expect no mercy, unless 
 indeed they consent to curse and kick their poor old 
 father. Poor, poor, indeed, to hand over his spirited lads 
 and sweet little girls to a fate like that ! No honest man 
 ever yielded so much till after a final defeat, but 
 
39 
 
 Gabblesome says it will save blood-guiltiness if I yield 
 them all up at once — mother and children. He even called 
 it noble conduct, and produced his best verbosity. I can’t 
 see it yet myself, but I am perfectly sure that Gabblesome 
 sees it quite sincerely. His verbosity was splendid. 
 
 I am not at all surprised at his choosing the anniversary 
 of my Gordon’s murder for initiating the Divorce Scheme, 
 nor for his intimation that my consent was to be demanded 
 on the anniversary of the murder of my son Frederick 
 Cavendish, for the calendar is now so crowded with 
 disaster that he really cannot easily steer clear of awkward 
 memories. But, luckily, when there is nothing pleasant to 
 remember, verbosity, at least, sponges out the record of 
 the weary brain, and leaves it blank. 
 
 The reasons he adduces for this tremendous step are so 
 irrational as to be incomprehensible to the sane mind, and 
 acceptance of them would form an excellent test for the 
 guidance of a Commissioner in Lunacy. His chief reason 
 alleged for this divorce, is the ancestral feud which I 
 brought by this very marriage to a most honourable end ! 
 Over this so-called reason he laboured long, but it was all 
 a mingled compound of unreason. Next, he asserted that 
 there was some difference between my marriage with Erin 
 and my grandfather’s nuptials with Miss Caledonia Scott. 
 On the ladies’ side there was, no doubt, and still more 
 between their families and relations ; but on our side, any 
 difference between Grandfather John and me is decidedly 
 in my favour as a husband. Even Erin heartily admits 
 that. The marriage settlements were the most favourable 
 to the lady that have ever been drawn. 
 
40 
 
 Ilis next absurdity was an argument that the husband is 
 always to blame for his wife’s incompatibility of temper, 
 seeing that he, being the stronger, can always gracefully 
 give way to the lady’s whims. That I have done only too 
 often ; and no single husband can be named more indulgent 
 to his spouse than I have been to Erin, and even to the 
 unsavoury, quarrelsome crew who surround her. Paddy- 
 land hatred is unfounded and mad, no doubt ; but we don’t 
 let madmen loose merely because they are mad ; — unless, 
 indeed, we are so too. 
 
 Another sufficient reason, in his opinion, was my having 
 given most liberal tips to many of the needier and greedier 
 Go-Braghs to withdraw their fractious opposition, and 
 hurroo at the wedding'. It seems to me purely a lunatic 
 idea, that at our time of life our marriage should be dis- 
 solved, and our family broken up, for a petit faux pas like 
 that ! 
 
 Still more lunatic seems his reason, that to Erin my wife, 
 who has been under our family guardianship since her 
 infancy, and who has been so long my much honoured and 
 favoured wife, and the mother of many children, — to her I 
 am still only a foreigner (only try in some sane way to 
 fancy that), and that my insistance in the observance of 
 at least some of the Ten Commandments is also foreign to 
 the feelings of her friends. Now, I admit that 1 have 
 had actually to coerce Charnell’s friends and helpers into 
 some regard for those Ten Commandments they find so 
 foreign to their nature. No doubt I have not liked this 
 task, and they have liked it less. Therefore, Gabblesome 
 rnaint ins it must be morally wrong to police people into 
 
41 
 
 honesty. If I would only permit them to coerce themselves 
 and their neighbours as much as they pleased to obey an 
 unwritten law of their own, it would be a beautiful arraneg- 
 men l, and would be worked silently and smoothly. I have 
 merely to give Charnell, Haley, Aigan, Shoridan, and the 
 rest of the criminal class, power to dismiss the Judges at 
 pleasure, and to appoint themselves, power to dismiss the 
 police, and enrol a new force in its stead, to enforce the 
 new law of liberty, and there will be no more resistance to 
 the law. It will be the old-fashioned folks, with fossil 
 notions of loyalty and morality, who will then resist, or at 
 least attempt it. But such things need never reach my 
 ears. Sufficient for to-day is the evil thereof. 
 
 His next absurdity is that the strip of water between us 
 is too broad and the distance too great to enable me to 
 manage Paddyland, even with the assistance, such as it is, 
 of one hundred and three selected Paddylanders in Gabble- 
 some’s own chambers. That is curious. It is only two 
 hours’ distance the shortest way, while the other estates I 
 manage, simple as I look, are not only many hundred times 
 larger than Paddyland, but some of them many hundred 
 times farther off. If I confess myself incapable of managing 
 the smaller and the nearer, how long should I have the 
 management of the larger and more distant ? I should be 
 very soon dispossessed of all, in punishment of my want of 
 common sense, and common firmness. An impudent young 
 fellow named Tynan (“No. l”).used to tell me I was 
 becoming a wreck from fatty degeneration of the heart and 
 i flabbiness of muscle. That was bad enough for him, but 
 
 when Gabblesome, whose own sparkling verbosity has so 
 
42 
 
 shattered my nervous system and lowered my vitality, 
 assigns this result as a reason for surrendering all my 
 natural rights, and betraying my family and my friends, 
 it is too much for even my egregious good nature. Only 
 let me once get quit of this Dipsomania, and him who 
 tempts me to the indu’gence of it, and I shall be a Man 
 again. 
 
 It was interesting, though rather puzzling, to hear from 
 him that the union between my lady and myself “ is not at 
 all to be put in jeopardy,” whatever that may mean, but 
 only that its character is to be totally altered, and that I 
 am to have no more communication with her, even to tell 
 her what I would wish or what I can’t stand, and that I 
 must never go near her, while she and our children are to 
 be entirely in the possession of Charnell, Haley, and other 
 blackguards. This is what he calls leaving our union 
 intact. What a Grand Old Hand he is ! Wading carefully 
 through the fog of his phraseology, I have at last hit on 
 a meaning. He thinks that if it be not called a divorce, 
 but only “ a complete legal separation with absolute freedom, 
 and the protection of Charnell and Co.,” a new amity 
 would spring up between the parties, when there would be 
 no mutual benefits, but only painful negative restraints 
 between us. He says he thinks that whenever I became a 
 mere obstacle to Erin’s inclinations, and the necessity of 
 her position, and her creditor for an immeasurable sum of 
 money, her joy at that obstacle, and her eagerness to pay 
 me my full interest, would impel her almost if not alto- 
 gether to love me once more, and cast Charnell, her 
 “ uncrowned King,” behind her back. What a splendid 
 
43 
 
 ^ fancy William does possess, when inebriated with the 
 
 exuberance of his own verbosity! With a confidential 
 wink, he insinuates that if I would only yield her up to 
 * Charnell now, I may easily take her back by force when- 
 
 ever I find he boycotts or blows her up, or starves or 
 mutilates her, or turns my sons and daughters out of doors I 
 There’s a pretty reason for you! Doesn’t he see that I 
 should then have no legal or moral rights whatever, and 
 that I might not even succeed in that miserable attempt to 
 undo this miserable deed ? This is the moment for a manly 
 resistance. 
 
 On the other hand, he warns me affectionately, that if I 
 do not consent to this outrageous divorce for imaginary 
 reasons, I shall still be compelled to yield at last, for after 
 he , my own legal adviser and confidential friend, has 
 decided that it must be, all the neighbourhood will suppose 
 there must have been substantial reasons, and the incom- 
 patibility of temper of Erin and her u friends ” will not only 
 become more exasperated, but may even begin to affect 
 my own kind equability — which would be a monstrous pity. 
 Both he and his Assistant Secretary, Mawworm, selected to 
 make alone an impartial search for reasons, on the ground 
 of his having already prejudged the case, have succeeded 
 in finding only one — viz., that if I do not knuckle down 
 and submit with a good grace to this last indignity, 
 Charnell their friend will infallibly burn my house over 
 my head, and blow me and my family into the air; that 
 the trains are alread}- laid, and the Invincible Guy Fawkes 
 told off for that duty — sacred duty, I think they called it ! 
 That is the sort of fellow I am to be compelled to give up 
 
44 
 
 my Erin to, and that is the sort of reason thought good 
 enough for a man like me ! 
 
 But Wily Will goes on to assure me my submission 
 would be a noble deed, and, with much verbosity, engages 
 upon his honour ! — his honour ! mark you — that the 
 being entrusted with my Darling Erin and our children 
 would greatly help to steady Charnell, who has hitherto 
 kept the worst of company ; and the generous surrender of 
 my children would put the very Dynamiters upon their 
 honour ! — their honour ! mark you — and make them care- 
 fully refrain from abusing their position, were it only to 
 prove themselves far more noble in their self-restraint than 
 I in my weak and miserable surrender. What a beautiful 
 inducement to offer to a husband and father ! 
 
 After another application to our source of inspiring faith, 
 exalting to enthusiasm himself as well as me, “AYhat a 
 splendid example of self-sacrifice,” he cries, “ that will 
 offer to the eyes and minds of an admiring world ! Every 
 man, inspired by so glorious an example, will hasten to go 
 and do likewise.” Becovering my senses for a few 
 moments, I ask him what sort of a world that would be, 
 when, with a vehement burst of whirling, dazzling, dizzy- 
 ing eloquence, the verbosity meanwhile going like mad, 
 he gives me his fervent, ardent, prophetic assurance, that 
 such a world would be the best of all possible worlds — 
 would, indeed, be Heaven itself ! An idea just glances into 
 what I used to call my mind, that it would seem a great 
 deal like u another place,” where another “ grand old hand ” 
 with equal popularity presides. 
 
 It is not unusual for the projectors of expensive schemes 
 
45 
 
 to postpone all questions of expense until the project is in 
 * principle accepted. But it is unusual to permit them to 
 
 blink this part of it. However, that is just what Gabble- 
 some has claimed, and I permitted. One would have thought 
 it should be rather a cheap thing to let another fellow 
 take away your wife. It should be cheap, for it is 
 undoubtedly nasty. But Wily Will says, “No! For if, 
 as I swear, Erin is truly dear to me, I must be willing to 
 pay a good large sum to ensure her happy union with one 
 who assures me he is the man of her choice ! ” So says 
 Gabblesome. 
 
 Now, I cannot see this either, but Gabblesome tells me 
 that that is no matter, since he does. When able and 
 honest men, such as Mr. Heartintongue, his own first 
 assistant, and others, think exactly with me, William 
 haughtily informs them that they are mere ciphers, — of 
 considerable use when ranged submissively and properly 
 behind him , but of no value whatever apart from him, the 
 only existing significant figure ! 
 
 You know the times are hard with all of us, and getting' 
 ever harder. William says they are not, and points to the 
 fact that the whole family are harder at work than ever, 
 and the work, he holds, is of more importance than the 
 pay. Still, the pay and the profit are surely of some 
 importance, too; and these have all but disappeared. In 
 these hard circumstances, William's scheme is, that I shall 
 hand over all my cash in hand, and put my name to short 
 bills as far as my credit can be made to go, so that 
 ^ Charnell and Erin may set up a stylish establishment, with 
 
 many idle servants and dependants, and open house all the 
 
46 
 
 year over, entirely at my expense. It amounts to a 
 bankruptcy, but what of that, if they are only happy 
 together ? 
 
 When he found that I demurred to an expenditure so 
 ruinous, for an object so objectionable, to soothe what he 
 called my foolish scruples, he tells me that he shall not 
 require all the money at once, but will take it in large 
 instalments, if I only accept the principle (as he calls it), 
 and the bills. Even Joseph C. Bull, a shrewd man of 
 business, formerly eminent in the screw trade, and naturally 
 assimilated to the articles he dealt in, but who has acted 
 for some time as Gabblesome’s clerk, with a view to the 
 reversion of the stewardship, has revolted against this 
 proposal, which practically means poverty at home for all 
 time to come. Joe refuses to pledge the future — hi£ 
 future, too — merely to allow Gabblesome to disappear in a 
 blaze of theatrical glory. Gabblesome promised to consult 
 him all through, but consulted Charnell only, and merely 
 threw down the agreement settled with him, before Joe, 
 to take it or leave it. Joe came right off to me to warn 
 me what was intended, but in the midst of his explanation 
 in comes Gabblesome, steps between us, and forbids Joe to 
 speak a word till he is permitted. The instinct of discipline 
 prevailed, and Joe walked out of the house, while Gabble- 
 some swore that no one should inform me until he had the 
 whole matter made up and ready for completion. 
 
 But on looking myself over the financial arrangements 
 cut out for me, I find it clearly set down that I am to pay 
 out of my own pocket all the rents payable by Paddy- 
 landers in times past, present, and to come, and take my 
 
47 
 
 poor little chance of ever being repaid, when Charnell has 
 taught them that all rent is robbery, and all robbery of me 
 is right. Again* I find it clearly set down in Gabblesome’s 
 own hand that, notwithstanding this divorce and cohabita- 
 tion with Charnell, I must still, at my own expense, defend 
 him and her against all assaults or legal claims and pro- 
 ceedings, and that they may quarrel with whoever they 
 choose, whenever, wherever, however, and on whatever 
 they choose, and simply send the bill of costs and damages 
 to me for payment, while I am permitted neither to prevent 
 nor advise them. Certainly, as Gabblesome assures me, 
 this is not mere divorce. It comes to be a combination of 
 all the evils and liabilities of matrimony, widowerhood, and 
 divorce, without any of the advantages of any of these 
 conditions. 
 
 For my part, I am thoroughly sobered now, though some 
 of my friends still wallow in the welter of verbosity, from 
 which I have at last arisen/ still just safe, though on the 
 very brink of destruction. At last I have seen my 
 egregious folly, and determined, with Divine assistance, 
 never to indulge in that fatal habit more. Well do I know 
 tii at the alternatives so cruelly and treacherously forced on 
 us are resistance and strife to regain the reasonable 
 happiness of well-doing, or submission to unending misery — 
 a hard but long and useful life, or a long and miserable 
 decline and death. I cannot fathom all the consequences 
 of my choice, for everything has been carefully mixed up 
 with everything else. But all those kind neighbours who 
 so heartily hate me, and only wait for my downfall, and 
 the break up of the family and the family estates, stand 
 
48 
 
 quivering in a silent ecstasy of hope, and scarcely able for 
 the moment to repress their exultant yells. They only 
 wait the expected fatal words, “ Yes! dearest William, my 
 only trusted friend, do with me just as you like !” On the 
 other hand, I can see my true friends watching my every 
 motion,* white with horror and amazement, and with dis- 
 trust of my weakened memory, my lamentable loss of 
 determined will. Let me disappoint, at once, the. hopes of 
 my enemies, and the fears of my friends. 
 
 Only do ye, my sons, stand steadfast by your grossly 
 deceived old father, and let us, as in the glorious days of 
 old, quit us like men of sense and courage, and reject with 
 abhorrence the treacherous wiles and temptations of the 
 Grand Old Enemy. 
 
 London : Printed by Harrison and Sons, 59, Pall Mail. 
 
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS-URBAN A 
 941.58 B872L2 C001 
 Lady bull’s divorce / 
 
 3 0112 089255324