a I E) R.AR.Y 
 
 OF THE 
 U N I VE.R.SITY 
 or ILLINOIS 
 
 82.3 
 
 V. I 
 
lA" 
 
HYDE MARSTON: 
 
 OR, 
 
 A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE 
 
 BY CEAVEN. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LOJ^DOK: 
 HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, 
 
 GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 
 
 1844. 
 
LONDON : 
 
 F. SHOBERL, JUN, 51, RUPERT STREET HAYMARKKT 
 
 PRINTER TO H. R. H. PRINCE ALBERT. 
 

 COISTTEI^TS 
 
 THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 The hero is born : a necessary prelude to his career — 
 
 The old hall of B The bonny banks of Severn — A 
 
 fine old English gentleman — An only child — An uncle — 
 Origin of the hero's cares — School — Dr. Donne — How to 
 learn the rudiments of selfishness — Breaking bounds — A 
 lady's stud of hunters — The hero's first field — Cresset Pel- 
 ,ham — The instinct of sporting — A promising child in "the 
 V.way he should go'' .... 1 
 
 CHAPTER n. 
 
 Home and its privileges — Tameness of modern comedy — 
 
 Ireland twenty years ago — Access to Dublin — An adven- 
 
 "^ ture there — A wheelbarrow full of letters — Lundy Foot, 
 
 ^ 
 
IV CONTENTS. 
 
 poplin dresses, and Irish nags — Racing at the Curragh — 
 Fitzmaurice Caldwell and Commodore Irwin — The vice- 
 regal court — An unorthodox bishop — Goulding's ride — 
 An orthodox lawyer — An Irish horse auction — A groom 
 for sale — " Dandies," a Vlrlandaise — Whisky punch — The 
 bays of Dublin and ISJ^aples par nobile — A " little" pathetic 
 and emetic . . . . .19 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Holyhead — The South Stack — The wind a rude sculp- 
 tor — Holyhead Road — Women, wine, and wassail in An- 
 glesey — Home — An Irishman's opinion of England — Ox- 
 ford and its economies — Love in a cottage — Leave-taking 
 — Passing the Rubicon of life — How they live at the seat 
 of learning — A touch of " the ribbons" — A trifle of fox- 
 hunting — Dunning — How to muster miscellaneous silver — 
 The tobacconist — A bolt m a boot — A pair in a mess — A 
 sentimental introduction to the metropolis . . 49 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Johnson's theory of goblins — Uncle Tom on death — A 
 dissipated waiter — The JJltimi Romanorum — A resurrection 
 in the nineteenth century — How to turn an honest penny — 
 A new " subject" for surgery — How to breakfast in short 
 breeches — " Poor Tom's a cold" — Tit for tat, that is to say, 
 doing a tailor — Mauvaise plaisanterie — How to die a daily 
 (paper) death . . . . .81 
 
CONTENTS. V 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 A friend in need a friend indeed — Recollections of col- 
 lege life — True believers, tailors — Moulsey Hurst — " The 
 scratch" — The chivalry of pugilism — The ring — The key — 
 How to borrow a buggy — The Bedford in by-gone days — 
 Spirit of a sire (not a word about sainted) . 101 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 A stroke of the filial and paternal — Ecce iterum, the 
 dissipated waiter — A case of prejudice — " Gaping, wide 
 mouth, waddling frog" — A "slovenly, unhandsome corse" 
 — A calm after a storm — Another dead waiter — Inter- 
 changes of courtesy and such like — " Yes, memory has honey 
 cells" — Things retrospective — A jolly breakfast in the fa- 
 mily-way — The way of the world — The philosophy of a 
 rout — A nice young man . . .121 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 " Experientia docet" — trite but true — A bit of the no- 
 
 velistic ; Caroline G 's affair — A literary lady : a blue 
 
 bottle — How to live at free quarters — Ways and means — 
 A passage of the real passion — Elopements translated into 
 the vulgar tongue - Love and license — When Passion comes 
 in, Principle flies out of the window . . 141 
 
 CHAPTER Vni. 
 
 Parliamentary bills ordered to lie on the table — A sympo- 
 sium — Cousins of York, not of Buckingham — Gymnastics 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 of the Isis — Courses of the Corn-market, not Newmarket — 
 A new verse of the groves of Blarney — A fighting-cock — 
 Bantam — Mannikin of the truly nohle . . 159 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 The mysteries of life and death — The gay and the grave 
 — Do " coming events cast their shadows before ?" — To 
 die, to sleep — An episode about colour — The fortunes of a 
 nigger — English slavery — "Am I not your broder ?" — 
 Not a bit of it — " Hue makes the man, and want of it, the 
 fellow" . . . . .177 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 A suburban village — Rustic, with a spice of the Sap- 
 phic — Richmond — Stars and garters! — The way and the 
 means — Oxford correspondence — Good resolutions — Hell's 
 pavement not a wooden one — Sweet are the uses of adver- 
 sity — A Jew's eye . . . . 195 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Chevaliers d' Industrie ubiquitous — " Rude am I of 
 speech" — A thief sees an officer in every bush — The 
 Golden Calf — Indications of the fie-fie — " May good diges- 
 tion wait on appetite" . . . .213 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " Our whirligig revels make all the blue devils creep 
 out" — Nolo conjugari — AVhig and Tory under the maho- 
 
CONTENTS. Vll 
 
 gany — The Road as it was, and may be now — More about 
 the Curragh — The Turf Club — Olympics - Paphics . 233 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Irish champain — Yankee Doodle Paradise — Hibernian 
 fox-hunting — Something apropos of geese — The game laws 
 — Rural matters in general, and roads in particular — Pat 
 Hart's jaunting car — Out quarters — Hibernian prudery — 
 A catastrophe . . . . 253 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 " It's a folly to fret" — A Moore-ish girl — A feast that 
 knows no end — Loch Melville woodcocks — Ballyshannon 
 Falls, where " the trout and salmon do play backgammon" 
 — How to slip through an act of Parliament — An Irish 
 Crichton — Two of a trade can never agree— A watering- 
 place and race — The metropolis once more — The royal visit, 
 but not the royal visitor . . . 273 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 The hero is born : a necessary prelude to his career — 
 
 The old hall of B The bonny banks of Severn— A 
 
 fine old English gentleman — An only child — An uncle — 
 Origin of the hero's cares — School — Dr. Donne — How to 
 learn the rudiments of selfishness — Breaking bounds — A 
 lady's stud of hunters — The hero's first field — Cresset 
 Pelham — The instinct of sporting — A promising child in 
 " the way he should p'o." 
 
 VOL. I. B 
 
" Most epic poets plunge in ' medias res,' 
 
 (Horace makes this the heroic turnpike-road), 
 
 And then your hero tells, whene'er you please, 
 What went before, by way of episode." 
 
 Byron. 
 
 " Youth, what man's age is like to be, doth show, 
 We may our end by our beginning know." 
 
 Denham. 
 
HYDE MARSTON; 
 
 OR, 
 
 A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 It is somewhere related that, in the o-enea- 
 logical roll of a certain Welsh baronet, to- 
 wards the middle of the document, there is a 
 note to this effect : '* WiMxit tfjtei pf^riotr tftr 
 iJUOrllr UJa0 tXttiXtnr Now, whether this 
 was intended as a sample of bond fide chrono- 
 logy, or a spice of maiivaise plaisanterie upon 
 the dealers in long-winded lineage, we will not 
 stop to inquire. The anecdote, whatever its 
 origin, contains a hint replete with good 
 counsel. It is doubtful if, in dealing with the 
 
 B 2 
 
4 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 ordinary affairs of life, the practice of begin- 
 ning " ah ovo,"" in any case, will be found 
 convenient. At all events, when the principle 
 is applied, in literature, to works which come 
 under the denomination of " light reading," 
 it is an offence that " smells to heaven." 
 When your author, be he biographer, novelist, 
 or compiler of memoirs, introduces his heroine 
 in swaddling clothes, or trundles in his hero 
 in a go-cart, we hold tossing in a blanket to 
 be infinitely too mild treatment for his case. 
 
 Having thus declared our opinion, the 
 reader will be prepared for a narrative dash- 
 ing at once, as Horace has it, into the pith of 
 its subject. To the extent that the familiar 
 may follow the heroic, he will not be disap- 
 pointed. Still, to avoid the necessity of epi- 
 sode — an alternative from which neither the 
 written nor the dramatic epic is exempt — we 
 must crave patience while we offer a slight 
 outline of those days in which the future casts 
 its shadows before ; whose experience proves 
 the truth of the assertion that '^ men are but 
 children of a larger growth." 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 5 
 
 Never flowed more fresh and sparkling 
 waters, never waved more stately woods, or 
 bloomed more fair and fragrant lawns, than 
 those which memory spreads before the recol- 
 lections of my childhood. The old hall of 
 
 B was the centre of these scenes. It had 
 
 been for generations in the family, though, at 
 different times, occupied by strangers, and a 
 few months before my birth was taken pos- 
 session of by my father, with a view to make 
 it a permanent residence. As a rural home, 
 few spots possessed more natural advantages. 
 It was situated on the banks of the Severn, 
 where that noble river waters one of the 
 richest and most picturesque districts of 
 Shropshire. The society in the immediate 
 neighbourhood consisted of many of the best 
 families in the county ; and for the lover of 
 the angle, the trigger, or the chase, nowhere 
 in Great Britain was combined more attrac- 
 tion. During the best moiety of his life, my 
 father had " lived in the world," and at the 
 w^orst side of forty married and surrendered 
 himself to the country, and the cultivation of 
 
6 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 letters : my earliest reminiscences, indeed, re- 
 call in him the ideal of " a fine old English 
 gentleman," with powder on the roof of his 
 head, a pigtail at its nether extremity, and 
 a heart in the right place. 
 
 I was an only child ; whether the corollary 
 common to such a condition was fulfilled in 
 ray instance will probably form the moral of 
 this history. However that might have been, 
 the medium through which I looked at life, 
 even in its sunniest epoch, was not all couleur 
 de rose. I cannot record at what period my 
 cares commenced, because I cannot bring to 
 mind any period when I was wholly exempt 
 from them ; but their first chief agent I can 
 well remember. 
 
 There was a certain little dry old man, with 
 a protuberant ventricle, and no calves to his 
 
 legs, who was wont to appear at B some 
 
 three or four times a year. This was my 
 mother's only brother, a bachelor, with the 
 reputation of being very rich; moreover, he 
 was my godfather, and, in addition to the 
 usual promises pledged by such a functionary. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 7 
 
 had intimated his intention of making me his 
 heir. Sweet, unsophistic season ! little did I 
 dream, when first I heard of my uncle's pledges, 
 what a different reading I was destined to 
 gather from these words. 
 
 It was my eighth birthday : my godfather 
 had arrived from London on the same morn- 
 ing, and when I was admitted to dessert, he 
 was in animated debate with my father, on a 
 point that speedily claimed my attention. 
 " Well, Hyde ; I wish you many returns of 
 this anniversary, if you make good use of 
 them. You young reprobate, what are you 
 about ? The boy has despatched a bumper of 
 Madeira at a single pull! There now, take 
 your fruit, but do7iH put tiuo grapes into your 
 mouth at once — and see, there, he's swallow- 
 ing the skins, as I am a Christian sinner ! But, 
 brother, that a man of your experience should 
 think of educating a son at home, whom he 
 desires to see occupy a prominent place in 
 society, passes my understanding. I should 
 as soon have expected to have found you se- 
 lecting a gamekeeper from behind a man-mil- 
 
8 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 liner's counter. Send him to school, brother 
 send him to a public school (I'll find one for 
 him), and let him rough it. Would jou stick 
 a sapling of British oak into a flower-pot, and 
 shut it up in a conservatory ?" 
 
 This logic, such as it was, probably decided 
 the fate of my after life : it certainly at once 
 effected a revolution in the whole economy of 
 my youthful days. At the expiration of the 
 succeeding summer vacation, under the escort 
 of old Moran, the butler, I was consigned to 
 the Rev. Dr. Donne, head master of the gram- 
 mar-school at Osw^estry, then one of the first 
 provincial establishments of the kind in Eng- 
 land. If my little old uncle had turned the 
 world inside out, he could not have selected a 
 spot more devoted to the " roughing" system. 
 The Doctor was a gentleman of unimpeach- 
 able integrity, of respectable classical acquire- 
 ments, and as little infected by the silly weak- 
 nesses of human nature as a nigger-driver. 
 His principle of instruction was founded on 
 the axiom, that " if you wliip a boy you are 
 certain to make him smart" 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 9 
 
 Time and the hour have wrought many and 
 blessed changes in the school discipline com- 
 mon to the commencement of the present cen- 
 tury. Thank God ! the days are for ever 
 past when the youth of this land — men in 
 minds, in feelings, in manners, and in the 
 world's assent — were beaten like hounds, and 
 loaded with indignities that, in the present 
 day, dared not be offered to slaves ! 
 
 But this is a digression. Returning to our 
 school, it may be scarcely necessary to say 
 that, in a few years, under such a system, I 
 acquired a fair share of book learning, together 
 with a proficiency in the science, or mystery, 
 known as the care of number one. Civilization 
 is described to be a social compact, in which 
 men unite for the general comfort and secu- 
 rity. If so, schools, in the days of which I 
 write, were communities of savages. The first 
 class tweaked the noses of the second, to teach 
 them manners ; the second extracted the hair 
 of the third, to instruct them in the philosophy 
 of despising pain ; the third ate up all the 
 victuals (at least all that were eatable) apper- 
 
 B 5 
 
10 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 taining to the fourth, to accustom theui to the 
 virtue of moderation; while any member of 
 the upper school caused any member of the 
 lower to thieve, cheat, lie, or labour, as it 
 might happen to suit his caprice or conve- 
 nience. Every one's hand was against you, 
 and your hand was against every one : it was 
 " a part of the system ;" the head master 
 knew it, and the ushers supported it in theory 
 and practice. 
 
 Breaking bounds was a cardinal sin with the 
 Doctor, and the consequence was that no one, 
 of course, ever dreamt of keeping within the 
 prescribed limits. " Creation's heirs — the 
 world, the world was ours." We wandered 
 all over the country : purchased rural produce, 
 when in funds and the humour, and stole it 
 when money or morals ran short. Was there 
 a bear-bait, a bull-bait, a man-fight, or a cock- 
 fio-ht, base was the slave who saw it not. 
 
 Need I repeat that such a style of life enabled 
 me to visit home, by the time I had entered 
 my teens, with my weather-eye tolerably open, 
 and quite as independent in spirit and bearing 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 1 1 
 
 as my little old uncle could anticipate or 
 desire. 
 
 I can trace back to the first year of my 
 school-days indications of the taste that has 
 since mainly influenced my career. The point 
 to which I most loved to wander, and where 
 I loitered away many a summer hour, was the 
 park at Porkington, the seat of the rich Welsh 
 heiress. Miss Ormsby, who subsequently be- 
 stowed her hand and wide domains upon Major 
 Gore. It was a noble sylvan region ; but the 
 metal that most attracted me was the stock 
 of mares, and their produce, with which it 
 abounded. Miss Ormsby was a graceful horse- 
 woman, fond of hounds, bred all the horses 
 intended for her own riding, and had, pro- 
 bably, the best stud of hunters of any lady in 
 the kingdom. I have frequently seen her in 
 the field, and there was that in her appear- 
 ance and fashion of crossing a country, well 
 becomins: a hio-h-born dauo-hter of the land. 
 
 It was during one of these rambles, when I 
 was eleven summers old, that the first incident 
 of ray sporting recollections occurred. There 
 
12 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 had been that day a fair at Oswestry, from 
 which a farmer who happened to overtake me 
 was returning. He was leading by a halter a 
 very handsome thorough-bred filly, which, 
 however, went awfully lame before. 
 
 " Farmer," said I, " you've not made much 
 of your fair ; how could you expect to sell a 
 nag with only three legs ?" 
 
 " She had four o^ood leos when I took her 
 to market," said the man, in no pleasant tone, 
 *' but a led horse kicked her on the shoulder, 
 and, I'm afraid, has spoilt her for ever." 
 
 We had some more conversation, in the 
 course of which he gave me the name of his 
 abode among the Montgomeryshire hills, and 
 I promised, if chance ever brought me to his 
 neighbourhood, to pay him a visit. Four 
 years subsequently, accident threw the same 
 man in my way. I inquired the fate of his 
 mare, and learned from him that, having 
 brought up three foals, she was as sound as 
 when she was a foal herself. The consequence 
 was, I went up to the mountains, looked her 
 carefully over, coaxed her price from my 
 
A sportsman's life. 13 
 
 father, and took her home with me in the fol- 
 lowing midsummer vacation, when I left school 
 '' for good," as the boys have it. 
 
 As it is desirable to dismiss these tidings of 
 my teens as laconically as may be convenient, 
 I present myself, at the close of my fifteenth 
 year, booted, breeched, and riding a rakish- 
 looking, long-tailed, blood mare, to give ren- 
 dezvous to the Shropshire, at NesclifFe — the 
 half-way house between Oswestry and Shrews- 
 bury. It was a soft November morning, and, 
 as I was in advance of the hounds, my pace 
 was as quiet as my nerves were restless. With 
 a beating heart, and spirits that seemed as if 
 they would fly away with me, I wended on- 
 wards, when a turn in the road brought me 
 face to face with a strange-looking, gaunt 
 man, bestriding a miserable hack — " arcades 
 ambo'' As his eye encountered me, he looked 
 anxious, turned aside, dismounted, and, forc- 
 ing himself through the hedge that skirted 
 the road, sought to drag his Rosinaute after 
 him. The thing looked odd, but I was too 
 intent on matters of interest to mind a trifle. 
 
14 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 SO I gave his steed a thwack on the crupper, 
 that sent him through the quickset, and went 
 on my way. 
 
 It was Mr. Cresset Pelham, at that time 
 master of the Shropshire hounds, upon which 
 he expended some thousands a-year, and 
 would, at all times, go miles out of his line 
 rather than even meet them upon the highway. 
 Mr. Pelham, at the period I speak of, rented 
 Shrewsbury Castle, where he kept his hounds 
 and horses ; and a very sporting establishment 
 it was. His pack was a clever one ; his 
 hunters well selected, and well paid for, which 
 I take to be the grand recipe for compounding 
 a stud ; and his men, workmanlike fellows, in 
 their white frocks, gave as spicy a finish to the 
 whole turn-out as I have ever since seen in the 
 field. 
 
 The meet had assumed a stirring appear- 
 ance when I reached it, and was presently in- 
 creased by the arrival of a barouche and four, 
 containing the Duke of Rutland and Mr. Cecil 
 Forester, his grace being, at the time, the 
 guest of his brother-in-law, at Rossall. The 
 
A sportsman's life. 15 
 
 feelings of a young enthusiast in the noble 
 science, for the first time in presence of Cecil 
 Forester, at cover side, offer temptation to 
 classical allusions, which I take credit to my- 
 self for having the virtue to withstand. We 
 drew the hill behind the rock, known as Ky- 
 naston's Cave (the legendary residence of a 
 celebrated highwayman of yore), and found 
 almost on the instant. 
 
 The fox broke within reach of the thong 
 of my whip ; the hounds came out at his 
 brush with a crash that would have put soul 
 into a teetotaller (the animal was unknown in 
 those days) ; then what effect was it likely to 
 have upon a lad of fifteen, whose blood had 
 been at boiling heat from the hour he drew on 
 his boots ? I felt as if my heart jumped out 
 of my mouth. Already I had tasted my 
 mare's quality, with the clipping pack of har- 
 riers kept, at the time, by Mr. Lloyd, of As- 
 ton; so, putting her head parallel with the 
 line of chase, and bidding adieu to my senses, 
 I blazed away, as if bloAvn out of Perkin's 
 steam-gun. 
 
16 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Three-and-twenty minutes of more resolute 
 pace have not fallen to my lot since ; but, 
 with a good start, the essence of Bedlam in 
 my veins, and a thorough-bred one under me, 
 I was third into the last field, the leaders be- 
 ing Mr. Forester and a Mr. Lewis Jones, a 
 good sportsman, and a good man, although he 
 tvas an attorney. 
 
 " Youngster," said the maestro, " you've 
 the gift of * go ' in you, and so has your nag, 
 if you don't pump her out ; go home and give 
 her a week's rest ; you shall have the brush, 
 for you deserve it." 
 
 Leonidas at Thermopylae, Wellington at 
 Waterloo, were, no doubt, uplifted in spirit ; 
 but what were their feelings to mine, as I rode 
 
 up the avenue of old limes, at B , with 
 
 the trophy in front of my bridle ? 
 
 That evening, as I recounted my exploits, 
 to the proud sparkle of my father's eye, and 
 the chuckle of ray uncle's barrique, was one of 
 the happiest of my life. 
 
 " Well, Hyde," said the former, " I'm glad 
 you've had so good a day ; but it's almost a 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 17 
 
 pity you didn't wait for to-morrow at Shaw- 
 bury White Gates ; half the county, I hear, 
 will be there to meet the Duke of Rutland." 
 
 Five minutes from the delivery of these 
 words saw me closeted with the white-haired 
 butler. 
 
 " Moran," said I, " you must help me to me- 
 tamorphose my mare ; I meet the Shropshire 
 to-morrow, and I dare not let Cecil Forester 
 see me on the same nag I rode to-day." 
 
 This was enough : my old ally set-to with 
 a will ; the switch tail was squared into a 
 " bang;" th€ flowing mane shorn of its ho- 
 nours; and the rakish-looking bit of blood 
 assumed the character of a sedate hunter. I 
 was not among the latest of the arrivals at 
 Shawbury, on the morrow. We had a quick 
 find, and a quicker thing after it, racing our 
 fox to Attingham Park, where he was run into 
 in the open. 
 
 Modesty restrains my stating where I was 
 during the run, but I was '' thereabouts" 
 at the finish. The " woo-whoop" was given, 
 and we stood, the few elite of men and horses 
 
18 HYDE MARSTON. 
 
 panting, when I saw that Forester's eye was 
 upon me : he looked an acknowledgment, and 
 I heard him say to some one near him : — 
 
 " That boy went with the first flight yes- 
 terday and to-day — he has the best pair of 
 mares, of their inches, in the county .''' Of 
 course, I had a lecture, on my return, on the 
 inhumanity of riding my mare with hounds on 
 two successive days. This I met with the 
 best sophistry I possessed : — her well-seasoned 
 age when put to work ; the care with which I 
 rode her ; " and surely, papa, it was a feather 
 to ride two clippers in company with Cecil 
 Forester, and to jockey his judgment in horse- 
 flesh into the bargain." 
 
 " Won't do, Hyde," said my father, shak- 
 ing his head, but he looked far from out of 
 humour, and I caught his whisper to my 
 uncle, " The rascal ivill do yet — eh, Tom ?" 
 
 " I think he will," replied the little, dry 
 old fellow, adjusting his napkin on the pile 
 beneath his breast ; " there is not a doubt of 
 it. What a pity his father hasn't any more of 
 him !" 
 
CHAPTER 11. 
 
 YOUTHFUL DAYS. 
 
 Home and its privileges — Tameness of modem comedy — 
 Ireland twenty years ago — Access to Dublin — An adven- 
 ture there — A wheelbarrow full of letters — Lundy Foot, 
 poplin dresses, and Irish nags — Racing at the Curragh — 
 Fitzmaurice Caldwell and Commodore Irwin — The Vice- 
 regal court — An unorthodox bishop — Gonlding's ride — An 
 orthodox lawyer — An Irish horse auction — A groom for 
 sale — "Dandies," a VIrlandaise — Whisky punch — The 
 bays of Dublin and Naples par nobile — A " Little" 
 pathetic and emetic. 
 
" Juan embarked — the ship got under weigh ; 
 
 The wind was fair, the water passing rough : 
 A devil of a sea rolls in that bay, 
 
 As I, who've cross'd it oft, know well enough." 
 
 Byron. 
 
 " Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an 
 acre of barren ground; long heath, brown furze, any- 
 thing. The wills above be done ! but I would fain die a dry 
 death." 
 
 Tempest. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 21 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 There is no event in the ordinary life of a 
 youth of condition so akin to the transition 
 from Purgatory to Paradise, as the change from 
 a public school to the comforts and refinements 
 of home. Instead of being roused out of a 
 warm bed before the stars have left the sky, 
 to grope for his shoes amid a heap of leather 
 in every state of defilement, and being kicked 
 into the yard, to wash his face at the pump, a 
 well-ordered servant attends his summons at 
 a Christian hour, and supplies the necessaries 
 for his toilette. The breakfast table is no 
 longer furnished with the bread of bitterness, 
 neither is dinner a meal that would disgrace 
 his father's kennel. 
 
22 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 But enough of this ; give me not gall for 
 ink, oh ! mine horn ; smooth thy ruffled plu- 
 mage, oh ! my grey goose quill, and onward 
 " to fresh fields and pastures new." 
 
 It is urged that a main reason for the tame- 
 ness and insipidity of modern comedy is the 
 uniformity of surface that pervades society, in 
 consequence of the general diffusion of educa- 
 tion, and the polish which is the attendant of 
 advanced civilization. The argument is not a 
 sound one, for where did the Comic Muse tri- 
 umph so gloriously as during the most refined 
 epoch of the Roman empire ? 
 
 The fashion of our day, however (more or 
 less influencing all classes), has established a 
 code of manners, according to whose ordon- 
 nances all social intercourse is carried on in 
 masquerade. It is only in countries where an 
 ultra-mercurial temperament causes men to 
 cast aside their vizards (in spots which may 
 be called the preserves of national and idiosyn- 
 cratic character), that they appear as nature 
 moulded them. Such was Ireland some twenty 
 years ago. Such was Dublin, when " dust 
 
A sportsman's life. 23 
 
 Murphy" was the glory of College Green, 
 and ere the Mendicity had laid waste her 
 streets. 
 
 Let Erin remember the days of old, 
 
 When her shores with fun were teeming ; 
 
 When the punch that was brew'd by her sons so bold 
 Was all that they knew of steaming. 
 
 What a revolution in geography has the last 
 quarter of a century produced ! Five-and- 
 twenty years since, Dublin was less accessible 
 to the people of England (the style, conveni- 
 ence, and certainty of transit being had in 
 account) than New York and Boston are at 
 the present hour. The old Holyhead road, 
 with its items of Penmaen Mawr, and the 
 ferries of Conway and Bangor, was a route 
 abounding in discomfort and danger ; while 
 the passage from Parkgate or Liverpool, in a 
 small cutter, whose sole accommodation con- 
 sisted of a dark and dirty cabin, wherein all 
 the passengers — men, women, children, and 
 followers — ate, drank, slept, snored, sickened, 
 and so forth, was an affair, as the polite novels 
 
24 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 have it, " more easily imagined than de- 
 scribed." 
 
 Voyages of ten days and a fortnight were 
 of ordinary occun*ence between these latter 
 ports and the Pigeon House, then the Irish 
 metropolitan point of packet rendezvous. Does 
 the reader hesitate at such an assertion having 
 reference to a passage of 120 miles? What 
 then will he say to the intercourse between 
 England and the Isle of Man (a distance of 
 only twenty-one miles), having been totally 
 cut off for six weeks, within the last twenty 
 years — a fact of which I was assured by a 
 banker, at Douglas, who accompanied his 
 statement by saying, that when the mail did 
 arrive, his letters were conveyed to him from 
 the post-office in a wheelbarrow ! 
 
 But here, again, the besetting sin has lured 
 me wide of my line. " Ye gods ! I grow a 
 babbler." Good brain, to thy fitting office : 
 eschew digression, and spin a fair thread of 
 narrative, while we our "plain unvarnished 
 tale unfold." 
 
 Some twenty springs ago (not to be fasti- 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 25 
 
 dious as to a year, more or less), during the 
 interval between my removal from school and 
 matriculation at Oxford, I made my debut in 
 Dublin. The embassy was one by no means 
 out of the common routine. My business was 
 simply to visit certain " dirty acres " (and, 
 sure enough, all things considered, the phrase 
 was no misnomer), in capacity of possessor in 
 prospective ; to purchase some " poplin " 
 dresses for my lady mother (will any one 
 oblige me with a reason for that species of 
 fabrique being more rare in England than the 
 produce of the Chinese or Persian looms ?) ; 
 to lay in ** Lundy Foot " for the paternal, and 
 lay out coin upon a couple of nags for myself; 
 the latter infinitely the most important item in 
 the catalogue. 
 
 On the week after my arrival, the Curragh 
 April meeting occurred, and, notwithstanding 
 the bombardment which poor Mrs. Trollope 
 has suffered for burglaries on the sanctity of 
 hospitality, I cannot choose but give a spice 
 
 of life at Lodge, because there I tasted 
 
 Irish character in a raciness of flavour beyond 
 
 VOL. I. C 
 
26 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 which I do not think its relish could extend. 
 The party assembled for the races consisted of 
 
 Lords and ; two Colonels C ; 
 
 a few " civilians ; " Captain Caldwell ; and 
 " Commodore " Irwin. 
 
 Nothing that the fiction of our day has ven- 
 tured upon enables me, by comparison, to con- 
 vey the slightest idea of the two last gentle- 
 men. The former was called captain, I be- 
 lieve, from having held a commission in the 
 navy; the latter "commodore," because he 
 had served before the mast on board a man-of- 
 war. They were both, however, of good 
 blood, the captain being brother to Sir John 
 Caldwell, a baronet of large possessions in the 
 north of Ireland, and the '' commodore " a 
 scion of a most respectable family in Sligo. 
 
 At the time I met them, they had quitted 
 blue water for the short grass ^ (I won't pledge 
 myself for their having abandoned " the fickle 
 element "), and were, upon a large scale, mas- 
 ters of race horses. Fitzmaurice Caldwell was 
 a martyr to the gout, which had wholly de- 
 
 ^ Ilibernice, the race course. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 27 
 
 prived him of the use of his limbs, and ren- 
 dered him as helpless as a baby in arms. Of 
 course, in the indigenous soil of waggery, he 
 was too good a subject to be overlooked. x\s a 
 sample of the pranks that were constantly 
 being played upon him, one, the offspring of 
 the meeting on the tapis, is not a bad speci- 
 men. 
 
 Our tar was sanguine of temperament, and, 
 when crossed, not scrupulous withal about his 
 parts of speech. Now it so chanced that one 
 of his favourite horses was about to start, and 
 all interested in the stable having accompa- 
 nied him to the post, the captain was left alone 
 in his glory. 
 
 " Will nobody put me on my pony ? " sung 
 out the indiofnant son of the sea. '' Bl — d and 
 ounds ! will nobody give me a leg ? " 
 
 The call was not unheeded. A Samaritan 
 was soon at hand, who placed him in his 
 saddle, but so that when the steed advanced 
 the rider retrograded. Ah ! ye gentle dames 
 and cavaliers of Newmarket, whilom wont to 
 gaze on Parson Harvey as an eccentric, what 
 
 C 2 
 
28 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 had ye thought of old hard-a-weather Fitz, at 
 best pace, '' from the turn of the lands in," 
 with a remorseless visao^e turned towards his 
 galloway's tail, and swearing like an incarna^ 
 tion of the three regiments of Life Guards ? 
 
 A rare evening for a youngster was that on 
 which I found myself a member of the same 
 mess with two such '' gems of the sea " as the 
 captain and " commodore " aforesaid. I can- 
 not describe the "keen encounter of their 
 wit " as " diamond cut diamond," because that 
 figure might suggest a polish as appertaining 
 to it, which, being a faithful historian, I am 
 bound to confess it lacked. The substance of 
 the issue related to a recent incident in the 
 career of the ''commodore," which, divested 
 of its embellishments, was to the following 
 effect : — 
 
 " May be, I wouldn't. Master Irwin : may 
 be, I'd rather let it alone. D'ye think all's 
 snug about Ballinafad, eh ? [Oimies ! ' Another 
 devilled turkey, more claret, and let's have the 
 humours of Ballinafad ']. Well, ye shall hear 
 how the * commodore ' carried all before him 
 
A sportsman's life. 29 
 
 on the strength of his own and his father's 
 luck. It was not enough to win everything 
 that he started for at the races, but he must 
 clear the town out at hazard, as handsomely as 
 if it had been sacked by pirates. Not a ten- 
 penny bit was left to stand up for Roscom- 
 mon, till an undertaker from Athlone stepped 
 forward, to have a * shy ' for the honour of 
 the county. A few throws demolished the 
 Schneider of wooden surtouts, who dropped 
 his last stake, a hearse-and-four, by ' crabs ' 
 to * seven's the main.' 
 
 " May be, the flag officer wasn't up in his 
 stirrups ! 
 
 " * Here, groom porter,' said he, ' bring a 
 tumbler hot and strong : pockets, a full freight ; 
 funerals completely furnished ; never say die !' 
 
 " The turn-out that left Ballinafad next 
 morning was a cure for sore eyes. Many a jolly 
 party travels in a mourning coach, but it's not 
 every day one sees a man dance with a jig step 
 to his hearse. Away they went, our friend 
 here tooling his four-in-hand, and a batch of 
 
30 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 ' Barony boys ' on the roof, as merry as but- 
 terflies in the sunshine. 
 
 *' About a mile before they reached the * com- 
 modore's,' however, the sun gave them the 
 slip, dov^n came the rain in buckets, and, for 
 once in their lives doing a sensible thing, the 
 party got inside, A pleasant spectacle for 
 Mrs. Irwin, with six small children, the rever- 
 sion of a Connaught jointure, and the contin- 
 gency of a spouse whose life might be worth 
 twenty-four hours' purchase — was a well ap- 
 pointed funeral advancing up the avenue. The 
 lady swooned away, the babes lifted up their 
 voices and wept, and terrible was the conster- 
 nation of the household, till the real state of 
 the case was developed, as the mourners en- 
 tered, to the chorus of ' We won't go home 
 till morning ; ' while the corpse, energeti- 
 cally kicking the footboy, called to his widow 
 to hurry dinner, and the orphans to bring him 
 the materials for mixing the punch." 
 
 In Dublin, Momus ruled supreme ; courtiers 
 and canaille, all, from the castle to the cabin. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 31 
 
 threw up their caps, and capered in his roister- 
 ing train. Apropos of the castle : an incident 
 occurred, a few years later, which may serve 
 to illustrate the spirit which pervaded that 
 merry semi-monarchy. During the vice- 
 royalty of the i\Iarquis Wellesley, it was my 
 chance to be presented at one of his levees. 
 Now, at that day, there was, among the Irish 
 bishops, a most excellent prelate, whose 
 patronymic was Alexander, and, had the dis- 
 tinction of " the Great " been appended to it, 
 no one could have disputed his claim to the 
 title. Many more corpulent men than the 
 Bishop of Meath I have seen, but, taken all in 
 all, I should say he displaced a greater column 
 of atmosphere than any two of his contempo- 
 raries. If you caught sight of him going 
 before the wind, with his canvas free, he was 
 a wonderful creature ! 
 
 On the occasion in question, it fell to my 
 lot to approach the august circle, immediately 
 before the right reverend father, who, proba- 
 bly, went to scale his hundred weight for every 
 stone of fourteen pounds that I could bring to 
 
32 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 the steelyard, to say nothing of his canonicals, 
 that spread him out to the size of a decent 
 cathedral. 
 
 The crowd was great, and the aides-de-camp 
 assiduous in keeping it moving. As I placed 
 my card in the hand of the official, whose 
 affair it was to announce those who approached 
 the presence (I think it was Sir Stewart 
 Bruce), the bishopric that followed me also 
 delivered his pasteboard. Whether it was 
 from actual botheration, or prepense devilment, 
 must ever remain a secret ; but as I paused 
 before the viceroy, in the act of accomplishing 
 my best reverence, a sonorous and deliberate 
 voice exclaimed, " The Bishop of Meath." 
 
 If the ghosts of Joe Grimaldi and Jack 
 Reeve had appeared in my stead, the demon- 
 stration could not have been more intense. 
 The Lord Lieutenant, the Lord Chancellor, all 
 the lords spiritual and temporal, privy coun- 
 cillors, aides-de-camp, pages, the whole Irish 
 government, burst out in an explosion of 
 laughter; while, with just wits enough to keep 
 my sword from between my legs, I effected an 
 
A sportsman's life. 33 
 
 ejcit, that furnished the true reading of " nolo 
 episcopari.'' 
 
 Where th^ whole business of life was trans- 
 acted by agents, tetes montees^ I shall be be- 
 lieved, without much argument, when I say 
 that, out of Bedlam, I never foregathered with 
 anything human like the hangers-on of the 
 horse auctions. The Irish metropolis could 
 scarce boast a dealer of the most limited pre- 
 tensions to character; the commission stables 
 were too hot for a salamander, and the public 
 buyer had nothing left for it but the auction 
 yards. Of these there were but two or three : 
 the longest established, and the most distracted, 
 being " Goulding's Ride," in South Anne 
 Street. Thither, intent on pleasing my fancy 
 to the extent of '' three figures," should the 
 chance offer, did I bend my way. 
 
 There never was a spot under smaller obli- 
 gations to situation or appearance. It was a 
 narrow lane, as full of mud as a scavenger's 
 cart in November, and, save a little straw in 
 a state of decomposition, there was not the 
 vestige of any thing professional about it. On 
 
 c5 
 
34 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 inquiring for Mr. Goulding, I was answered by 
 a party, with an unexceptionable purple nose, 
 who announced himself as that functionary. 
 
 " I'm come to look at your horseflesh," 
 said I ; " got a good nag among to-day's lot ?" 
 
 Ere he answered my demand, Mr. G. assisted 
 himself to a handful of" blackguard," thereby 
 affording time to take measure of me from 
 keelson to top-gallant-mast-head. Having 
 completed the survey, he led the way into a 
 dismal cut-throat alley, observing, " I think 
 we can shoot jou, sir ;" and certainly there was 
 cause for supposing he meant to execute his 
 promise. The style of cavalry here was no go. 
 
 " You must rise a peg higher," said I : 
 '^ though I am English, you must bait better, 
 if you expect me to bite." 
 
 He now approached a more Christian look- 
 ing edifice, which we entered, passing two 
 persons engaged in emphatic debate at the 
 door. One of the pair was a hale, jolly- 
 visaged countryman, in a huge grey frieze sur- 
 tout, and corduroy breeches unbuttoned at the 
 knees ; the other an epitome of his species, in 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 35 
 
 a suit of black far from new, and a face with 
 an oil-of-vitriol expression. 
 
 " Mr. Mac-a-Nulty," the former was ob- 
 serving, '' I sould ye my harse, and what would 
 ail me. I expected to be ped. But, signs 
 on it, you were an attorney, and, in coorse, ye 
 done me. Well, I'll not throw good money 
 afther bad ; keep him, and the divil's luck to 
 ye with him ; but, if I can't get the price out 
 of ye, I'll never meet ye but I'll make ye blush, 
 any how." 
 
 " Don't be impertinent," responded the 
 legal gentleman, while his small red eyes 
 glistened like a ferret's ; " don't be insolent, 
 sirrah ! or may be you'd be sorry. If you have 
 a claim against me, proceed, and, perhaps, you 
 may get it ; but, as to making me blush, un- 
 less you serve a month or six weeks' notice, I 
 think it's likely ye may be disappointed." 
 
 In this stable there was a very clever chest- 
 nut horse, and a grey galloway mare, that took 
 my attention. I asked Goulding what were 
 their prices, but he did not know, as they had 
 come in from the country but an hour or two 
 
36 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 before, with a message to the effect, that the 
 proprietor would follow them. 
 
 '^ The groom is here somewhere," remarked 
 my conductor : " I dare say he knows all about 
 them." 
 
 After a search he was found, as fast asleep 
 as a church, in the grey mare's manger, whence 
 I put him up, and began my interrogatory. 
 
 " What do they want for the hackney ? " 
 said I. 
 
 " The lot is not to be separated, sir," was 
 the reply ; " it's warranted sound and gentle, 
 and the price is JlOO for the whole." 
 
 " Why, the whole is rather limited," I re- 
 joined ; " you mean the chestnut there, and this 
 grey ; they are but two items ?" 
 
 " There are three of us altogether," was the 
 answer; "plaze 7/our honour, Tm one of the 
 nitemsr 
 
 I looked at the fellow to see if he was 
 hoaxing me, but his countenance was the index 
 to a mind of grave intent. 
 
 " It's perfectly true, sir," he continued, 
 observing that I regarded him with a grin of 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 37 
 
 incredulity ; " master sells us in a lump, or 
 not at all." 
 
 " We'll wait till your master makes his ap- 
 pearance, then," said 1 ; " you're a queer party, 
 beyond a doubt." 
 
 Stragglers, loungers, and blackguards of 
 every degree, had, by this time, begun to as- 
 semble in the " Ride," in anticipation of the 
 auction, and its *' humours." I take the oc- 
 casion afforded by the interval to give a 
 sketch of one destined to fill a place in these 
 memoirs. 
 
 The eccentric horse-boy, who, like Don 
 Juan's friend Jackson among the Turks, stood, 
 *' wishing to G — d that somebody would buy 
 him," in all the properties of frame, except in 
 height, was an adult. His utmost altitude, 
 however, was four feet in his boots, so that, 
 seen in certain positions, he might pass for a 
 boy of twelve years old. But his eye was lit 
 by a shrewd intelligence, and his carriage be- 
 trayed that union of strength and agility which 
 belong not to extreme youth. John Maher, 
 as he informed me subsequently, was " born 
 
38 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 and bred," to use his own expression, in Lord 
 Rosmore's racing stables. 
 
 He had ridden some of his lordship's light 
 weights ; but, as the period to which his service 
 at the Curraoh had reference ao^reed with that 
 in which there occurred some mistake in the 
 chronology of that nobleman's stud, very pro- 
 bably he got his dismissal in consequence of 
 there being " no effects " in his department. 
 By some accident he had contrived to pick up 
 the elements of a fair education : he could 
 read and write well ; and, in the ratio that art 
 had benefitted him one degree, nature had 
 gifted him fifty-fold. After many vicissitudes, 
 he settled down into the situation whence I 
 derived him, of which I shall come to speak 
 presently. 
 
 The hour when Goulding's auction com- 
 menced had now arrived, and the scene, and 
 its dramatis personcB, were by no means such 
 things as one meets with every day in the 
 year. The leading parts were filled by the 
 Dublin '' bucks," a particularly unprepos- 
 sessing body. These young gentlemen had 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 39 
 
 the appearance of being clad in garments worn 
 by London young gentlemen six years before ; 
 moreover, they were remarkable for soiled 
 linen, swaggering carriages, and dreadful 
 countenances. 
 
 Next in concatenation were the men of 
 business, chapmen in miscellaneous cavalry 
 the better for some half dozen " dandies" of 
 whisky-punch each, looking as wise as owls, 
 and speaking oracularly. Their habits were 
 gregarious, and, as you observed the com- 
 pany, two dilemmas suggested themselves : 
 the first was, how they might contrive to 
 buy, their outward seeming of worldly sub- 
 stance being probably as meagre a sample of 
 portable capital as the same number of civilized 
 mankind ever exhibited ; the second, having 
 bought, what they managed to do with their 
 merchandize, for as to purchasing a horse 
 from an individual of such a party, a reason- 
 able being might as soon be expected to cul- 
 tivate business with a Jew attorney. 
 
 The chorus consisted of a phalanx of youths, 
 who miraculously, as it were, avoided any 
 
40 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 overt act of indecent exposure, at the same 
 time solving indisputably the secret as to 
 what the Enolish beo^o-ars did with their cast- 
 off clothes. The auctioneer entered his ros- 
 trum, a ground-floor window, from which 
 casement and appurtenances were removed, 
 and the word was given. 
 
 " Bring forth the horse." The steed was 
 brought — yes ! brought is the word : the 
 nether moiety assisted by a quarter of a 
 pound of spice beneath the tail, while a 
 stunted giant, who seemed to lead him, car- 
 ried his fore-quarters. 
 
 " Trat him down the ride, Barney," said 
 Mr. Goulding. 
 
 " Lave the way," was the reply, and the 
 movement was executed. 
 
 " Will any gintleman make me a beginning 
 for the brown Soordsman horse, warranted 
 quite to ride, no better to draw a jaunting- 
 car, and to do a day's hunting ? Barney, you 
 blaggard, throw a. leg over him, and let's have 
 a taste of his motions." 
 
 Done as soon as said. Barney, with the 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 41 
 
 fragment of a hare's-skin cap stuck on the 
 side of his head, a pair of cracked corduroys 
 suspended from one shoulder, the semblance 
 of stockings hanging about his ankles, and a 
 spur like a spit on his left heel, was tossed up 
 in a jiffy, and, giving his courser a '' gaff 
 of the galvanizer," launched upon the ad- 
 vent^are. 
 
 The lane in which these exploits were per- 
 formed was, as I have said, not particularly 
 clean; the ''ride" was paved with round stones, 
 and the surface, from the effects of constant 
 friction and profuse moisture, as slippery as ice. 
 Fancy a gallop upon a bare-backed cripple, 
 under such circumstances. You imagine the 
 climax arrived ? — little know you of Irish 
 horse-jobbing. 
 
 " Now, then," observed the seller, inhaling 
 his " high-toast," and holding out the box 
 politely to a neighbour, " let's have a lep 
 (leap) out of him, any way : hould up the 
 bar." 
 
 This was a command that needed no repe- 
 tition : fifty volunteers seized a piece of strong 
 
42 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 timber, and placed it across the ride, at an 
 elevation of five feet. 
 
 " Arrah ! is it game you're making of me," 
 shouted Barney, " that ye be houlding it the 
 hoith uv a fender ? up wid it like min. an, be 
 cripes ! here goes." 
 
 The insensate wretch kept his ghastly word, 
 and I turned from the sight, for it made my 
 flesh creep. 
 
 The party for whom I waited having arrived, 
 I lost no time in entering upon my affair. He 
 was a clergyman of the name of Dunn, to 
 the best of my recollection, and was equally 
 ready. The horse and mare, he told me, 
 were the property of his son, without whose 
 knowledge he had sent them for peremptory 
 sale. In fact, the son was of too sporting a 
 turn for the parson : he had been running 
 steeple-chases, my friend, the vendor-de-se, 
 acting as trainer and jockey, thereby filling 
 the reverend gentleman with trouble and dis- 
 quietude. 
 
 " Take the three off my hands," said he, 
 "and you shall have them for 16IOO; but 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 43 
 
 Mailer must go with the lot, or he'll be at 
 home as soon as I am, and all will be sixes 
 and sevens again." 
 
 The groom was as passive in the matter as 
 the horses, so, a receipt being drawn specify- 
 ing the whole of the consideration, the money 
 was paid, and the bargain concluded. Green 
 as was my experience, I could see I had got 
 one clever item in my lot, the first ten minutes 
 I passed in the same stable with it. 
 
 My leave of absence was nearly expired ; 
 and, as I should have no immediate chance of 
 testing the quality of the remaining portion, 
 I had Maher summoned to my room on the 
 following morning, and questioned him on 
 the subject, premising that, as a lie could do 
 no harm or good, he might as well tell the 
 truth. 
 
 " Why, then, by this good daylight," said 
 the little man, drawing his hand over the sleek 
 covering of his forehead, "and on my oath, a 
 better pair of nags never fell in my way yet, 
 and I've lived among the kind they come of, 
 
44 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 since I was the size of a turf. The horse is as 
 true a hunter as ever carried honest heart ; 
 and as for the mare, keep the hard road under 
 her, and ye can't bate her in a summer's 
 day — no, not in twenty-four hours — you 
 can't, by Jas — ! " 
 
 " Maher," I interrupted, '* there is no ne- 
 cessity for expletives. I believe you without 
 them, and remember, swearing is strictly pro- 
 hibited at B ." 
 
 " I humbly crave your honour's pardon," 
 replied the small Milesian, somewhat chap- 
 fallen. " I'm much indebted to your honour 
 for the rebuke : it's a bad practice, and often 
 his riverence, old Mr. Dunn, told me the 
 same : the divil another — that is, not another 
 oath shall ye hear out of my mouth ; from 
 this hour I have done with swearing, I have, 
 by Ja — ! I mane, that's a fact." 
 
 On a brilliant fresh May morning, I took 
 leave of Dublin, and proceeded to Howth, 
 whence the Holyhead packets had commenced 
 running. The vessel, whose turn it was to 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 45 
 
 sail, was commanded by poor Skinner/ with 
 whom I lived for many years afterwards on 
 terms of uninterrupted friendship. There he 
 was, with his jolly, good-natured face, and 
 solitary arm, bidding welcome as each arrived, 
 and looking as if nature had moulded him to 
 alleviate the misery with which he lived in 
 hourly contact. 
 
 The wind was at S.S.W., so we had smooth 
 water until Howth was cleared, and we opened 
 the bay. It is the fashion for travellers to 
 compare the bay of Dublin to that of Naples : 
 unless upon Fluellin's principle of there being 
 " salmons in both," I cannot propound the 
 cause. In the latter, the most striking fea- 
 ture is the fair city, spreading in beauty and 
 in sheen, as if to welcome the weary wanderer 
 of the seas ; while, from the former, the town 
 whence it derives its distinction is about as 
 
 ^ This ill-fated gentleman was lost a few years ago, in the 
 Bay of Holyhead, being washed off the deck of his vessel in 
 a heavy gale of wind, long after his arduous and lengthened 
 services should have procured for him the privilege of a 
 well-endowed retirement. 
 
46 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 visible as Timbuctoo. And, oh ! Sicilia ! the 
 bright, the odorous, shall the daughters of 
 Proserpina rank with the fish-fags of Ring- 
 send? and JEtim, the flame-crowned, with 
 Howth, the fog-crowned ? 
 
 " On the top of whose big hill 
 St. Patrick preach'd a sarmint, 
 That drove the frogs out of the bogs, 
 And bothered all the yarmint." 
 
 But the Bailey Head recedes from our 
 clipping cutter, and lurch after lurch an- 
 nounces her arrival in open water. Anon 
 are heard faint coughs, followed by sudden 
 changes of posture ; and many that, till now, 
 had shewn bravely, are seen no more. 
 
 Among the passengers, the most distin- 
 guished Avere a noble marquis, well known 
 for his princely patronage of letters and the 
 
 arts, his accomplished lady, and " the 
 
 young Catullus of his day." With the frank 
 courtesy which ever accompanies the really 
 illustrious and the noble of spirit, the mar- 
 chioness had entered into a conversation with 
 
47 
 
 me, in the midst of which she discovered that 
 the deck was absolutely abandoned. 
 
 " Ah ! where is poor Moore ?" she ex- 
 claimed ; " do go below and see how he is ; 
 tell him I have sent you to inquire what he is 
 doing in the cabin, and if he is composing 
 any thing." 1 was speedily at the side of 
 the prostrate poet's berth, where, like Don 
 Juan's tutor, he lay " sick and speechless on 
 the billow." Gently, and with much com- 
 passion, I did my errand, and offered what 
 solace I might to the miserable child of the 
 Muses. 
 
 " Go, ingenuous youth," he slowly articu- 
 lated, and the thick drops of agony rolled 
 down his forehead — " go, I pray thee, and 
 leave me to my sorrow ; and say to Lady 
 
 L that, woe is me ! I cannot compose — 
 
 not even my own stomach." 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 ALMA MATER. 
 
 Holyhead — The South Stack — The wmd a rude sculp- 
 tor — Holyhead Road — Women, wine, and wassail in An- 
 glesey — Home — An Irishman's opinion of England — Ox- 
 ford and its economies — Love in a cottage — Leave taking 
 — Passing the Rubicon of life — How they live at the seat 
 of learning — A touch of " the ribbons" — A trifle of fox- 
 hunting — Dunning — How to muster miscellaneous silver — 
 The tobacconist — A bolt in a boot — A pair in a mess — A 
 sentimental introduction to the metropolis. 
 
 ■f 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
" "WTiile I play the good husband at home, my son and 
 servants spend all at the university." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 " For there one learns — 'tis not for me to boast, 
 Though I acquired — but I pass over that, 
 As well as all the Greek I since have lost : 
 I say that there's the place — but verhum sat." 
 
 Byron. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 51 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The similarity in the approaches to the 
 harbours of Howth and Holyhead is so iden- 
 tical, as to be actually startling ; and yet it 
 is a fact, that I do not remember to have seen 
 it alluded to by any of the tourmakers who 
 have passed between Mona and the land of 
 the Shamrock. Sailing from the latter, by 
 this route, on the S. W., you have the dark, 
 cloud-capp'd hill of Howth, at the extremity 
 of which, jutting into the sea, rises a semi- 
 isolated rock, called " the Bailey Head," 
 crowned with its lighthouse. As you enter 
 the bay of Holyhead to the S. W., towers a 
 bleak and frowning mountain-range, known 
 as " the South Stack," which terminates in a 
 
 D 2 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 iWJVERsmr OF ilunou* 
 
52 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 bold insular promontory, united to the main 
 by a bridge of ropes : upon this stands the 
 South Stack light, a visit to which is (or was) 
 one of the excursions of mark for the curious 
 or weather-bound, in the Ultima Thule of the 
 ancient Britons. 
 
 A nine hours' voyage, with a fresh breeze 
 and plenty of white water, placed us upon 
 the quay at " the Head," in the midst of a 
 volley of inhuman Celtic and Milesian, awful 
 for its depth and energy. The former " touted" 
 for Spencer's hotel — the latter for " the Hi- 
 bernian :" rival caravanseries. 
 
 Having despatched an early dinner, and 
 started my cavalry for Bangor, I fired a cigar, 
 and took my way for the bridge, by a path 
 that would have delighted Salvator. The 
 scene might have answered for the incanta- 
 tion in " Der Freischutz," — the cormorants 
 and ^creaming seabirds doing duty for the 
 demon babes and sucklings encased in leather 
 and painted canvas, that entranced the town 
 in the palmy days of Mr. Arnold and the Eng- 
 lish Opera. 
 
A sportsman's life. 53 
 
 As evening approached, the fresh breeze 
 of noon grew into a storm, while something 
 that waved in the distance, uncommonly like 
 a petticoat, by no means took away from the 
 romance of the affair. A flight of some three 
 or four hundred steps, cut in the living rock, 
 leads to a small platform, whence is thrown a 
 rope-ladder, forming the only communication 
 with the islet whereon the lighthouse stands. 
 Through the gorge over which this frail and 
 perilous bridge passes, when the wind comes 
 from seaward, and the weather is rough, boils 
 and roars a terrific surf. On the brink of 
 this cauldron stood a group of my fellow 
 voyagers of the morning — among them an 
 Irish dean, with his youthful and pretty 
 daughter. The passage being an essay of 
 considerable risk and inconvenience, and of 
 no possible service, of course I entered upon 
 it on the instant ; accomplishing the feat by 
 sheer chance, and effecting cruel damage to 
 every inch of broad-cloth about me, as a phy- 
 sical certainty. 
 
54 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 There are green spots, as we read, " amid 
 desert centuries," and there was a spot — not 
 a green one, indeed — on this bit of memory's 
 waste that I cannot leave unsung. I was the 
 last to commence the retreat, and conse- 
 quently occupied the extreme rear of the 
 party returning. About half the ascent was 
 accomplished, and I had just reached the 
 reverend dignitary's fair daughter, when rude 
 Boreas overtook us with a blast, that would 
 have blown a marlin-spike into a shaving- 
 brush, as Jack says. 
 
 " I fear," said I, " you find this wind a 
 rude sculptor." Ere she could reply, came 
 a gust that threatened to tear up the rock on 
 which we stood, and that did tear up the 
 flowing drapery whose waving graces had 
 lured me over the mountain. " Fatimas'' 
 being at that epoch unknown, the catastrophe 
 is easily imagined ; I venture but to hint at 
 it. Years afterwards I met the Eve of my 
 story, surrounded by a blooming family, at 
 the house of a friend. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 55 
 
 '* I think," she observed, *' this is not the 
 first time of our meeting : did you ever see 
 me before ?" 
 
 " I have had that pleasure." 
 
 "Where?" 
 
 " Half-way up the flight of steps on the 
 South Stack." 
 
 Talk of Eastern roses, and the sunsets of 
 the tropics ! — when I want to recall the beau 
 ideal of a blush, I think of my last Tyrian 
 glimpse of the fair Irish matron. 
 
 The axiom, that the germ of decay is at 
 the core of perfection, was, at the hour of 
 which I write, on the threshold of proof at 
 Holyhead. The magnificent Irish road, from 
 Shrewsbury, had already advanced rapidly in 
 its progress, and, when finished, with the sus- 
 pension bridges of Conway and Bangor, pre- 
 sented the most splendid highway of modern 
 construction. The system of railway travel- 
 ling began, however, to be canvassed before 
 its completion ; the result need not be told. 
 That one man's bonne bouche is another man's 
 dose, was about to be exemplified in our in- 
 
56 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 sular Taffies, who now, while " the rail" is 
 flooding Liverpool with marrow and fatness, 
 saunter in despair around their empty quays, 
 and flavour their rye-crusts with the memory 
 of departed leeks. 
 
 Bleak and barren as I found nature in An- 
 glesey, in her morale she was cordial and 
 kind almost to prodigality. The houses of 
 the gentry w^ere rendezvous for good fellow- 
 ship ; every lord of the soil, almost without 
 exception, was a sportsman ; and, as for pretty 
 women, it was a Houris' paradise ! The island 
 possessed a capital pack of harriers, and the 
 hares being remarkable for their stoutness and 
 straightforward running, the sport was first- 
 rate. 
 
 There was a great deal of interest and cha- 
 racter about the celebration of the Hunt Week, 
 a festival held at Beaumaris at the commence- 
 ment of the season. It opened with a pro- 
 cession, consisting of the servants of the hunt 
 in new appointments, followed by the hounds, 
 and attended by the members in scarlet — the 
 uniform of the club. To these succeeded the 
 
A sportsman's life. 57 
 
 equipages of the leading families of the neigh- 
 bourhood, while the windows of the little 
 capital were filled with as much beauty and 
 style as might have furnished a place of far 
 greater pretension. 
 
 And then there was feasting and feting; and 
 though the ultra-fastidious may feel inclined 
 to hold Welsh society cheap, let me assure 
 them there are worse things in this wicked 
 world than the maidens and the muttons 
 of the Principality. As these recollections 
 require to be classed with some regard to 
 chronology, I pass onward, for the present, to 
 resume, peradventure, some further reminis- 
 cences of Cambria. 
 
 How cheering and soul-contenting is a re- 
 turn to home ! No matter how full of success 
 our career in life : though courts open at our 
 approach, senates hang upon our words, or 
 camps echo with our glory, the applause of 
 the world has not a tone that appeals to the 
 recesses of the heart so irresistibly, as when 
 
 " the watch-dog's honest bark 
 
 Bays deep-mouth'd welcome as we draw near home." 
 
 d5 
 
58 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 And such was my reception at B . My 
 
 passage up the old avenue of limes was sa- 
 luted by a chorus of joyous throats ; little 
 dogs and all lifted up their voices ; while the 
 governor was at the portal, his venerable head 
 uncovered, with an outstretched hand, and a 
 warm heart in it, and his respectable pigtail 
 Q|cillating to the gale. 
 
 Long before the dinner-bell rang, many a 
 suspended friendship was renewed, and cordial 
 greeting offered. It is hardly necessary to 
 say, that the stable was not the last spot to 
 which my devoirs were paid ; nor was the sight 
 of my little Irish groom, and pair of nags safe 
 and sound within it, the least grateful object 
 my survey furnished. I closed the door, and, 
 as we were alone, inquired — 
 
 " How he liked England, and what he 
 thought of his new home ?" 
 
 *' Ireland, sir," he replied, " is a misfor- 
 tunate land; where the poor live upon 
 their own fat, and wages are paid with a 
 whack of a black thorn. But this is a blessed 
 country ; they clap supper before you, when 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 59 
 
 there is not as much room in your inside as 
 would stow away the baiting of a mouse-trap. 
 Sure it was by the blessin' of the Virgin I met 
 with yer honour, and yer honour's father's 
 honour, an ould gentleman the saints take to 
 glory ! His voice would 'tice a colt from its 
 corn, and his smile is as soft as a satin jacket. 
 — How do I like the hall ? It's paradise it 
 is, by the holy 1 mane, that's a fact." 
 
 The evening was passed tete-a-tete with my 
 father, my mother being at Brighton, and the 
 house without guest of any kind. He was as 
 kind and choleric as ever, and talked over my 
 approaching removal to Oxford with parti- 
 cular emphasis. 
 
 " You'll go to the d 1, " he observed 
 
 considerately, " of course ; every body does 
 who enters : a pair of horses, and a taste for 
 coaching and cigars, will also help you consi- 
 derably. Uncle Tom, I suppose, furnishes the 
 sinews of war: a handsome campaign, no 
 doubt, it will be. In negotiating with your 
 tailor and wine merchant, do me the favour to 
 forget you have a father : it is an honour that 
 
60 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 I can struggle to dispense with. But don't 
 be deceived about Tom : he may die, as it is 
 said to be so appointed to all men : probably 
 he will; but no trifle will push him from his 
 stool, I can tell you. He was here at Easter ; 
 went to bed the night preceding his departure 
 on a couple of pounds of toasted cheese, and 
 in the morning, while his traps were packing, 
 disposed of a quarter of a yard of sausages, to 
 keep the wind out of his stomach." 
 
 The interval between my return from Ire- 
 land and my departure for the University was 
 frequently enlivened by disquisitions, or rather 
 monologues, akin to the foregoing. But lei- 
 sure was also found for more pleasant occu- 
 pations. I had, in the past season, discovered 
 that the fishing in the Severn was admirable, 
 from more causes than the quality of the 
 sport. 
 
 About three miles up the stream from 
 B , the river, in its windings, formed it- 
 self into numerous deep, still pools, that 
 abounded with trout, and often held a salmon. 
 Moreover, on the adjacent bank, there stood 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 61 
 
 the prettiest cottage in the country, wherein 
 dwelt two of the prettiest girls in the world. 
 
 Caroline and Charlotte G were the 
 
 daughters of Major G , a gentleman who 
 
 had earned a great deal of fame, but very 
 little else. In short, he was a poor sol- 
 dier, who had transformed his sword into a 
 ploughshare ; but, unfortunately, like Allen- 
 a-Dale, '' had no furrow for turning." 
 
 Still, straitened means had not shorn him 
 of his proud spirit, nor of his independence 
 of character. People knew nothing about 
 him, save that, whatever his income might be, 
 he lived scrupulously within it, and that his 
 daughters were as elegant and accomplished 
 as they were beautiful. 
 
 Chance led me to angle in the neighbour- 
 hood of Major G 's cottage, and accident 
 
 made me acquainted with its inmates. That 
 knowledge once gained, fate or destiny, I sup- 
 pose, must be charged with the rest. During 
 the summer, my visits were as many as the 
 welcome with which they were received was 
 frank and cordial. The truth cannot be con- 
 
62 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 cealed ; upon the boy had fallen the trance of 
 the soul, and visions of fairy hopes peopled 
 love's young dream. 
 
 In disposition, as in person, the sisters dif- 
 fered widely. Caroline, the eldest, was a hru- 
 nette — tall and graceful, sanguine and enthu- 
 siastic. Charlotte was a gentle, fragile blonde 
 — tender, timid, confiding : 
 
 " Heart on her lips, and soul within her eyes." 
 
 Such was the Charlotte of my Werter. But 
 my passion evinced none of the morbid senti- 
 ment of the pensive German. Life was in its 
 fresh spring-time — flowery, joyous, and hope- 
 ful ; the spirit buoyant as the step elastic. I 
 knew care but by name. 
 
 Thus passed that summer — an episode in the 
 drama of my existence, on which haply I do 
 not dwell as much as is meet, for it had an 
 influence that no after event exercised on my 
 fortunes. The day preceding that on which 
 I was to leave for Oxford arrived, and, to- 
 wards the evening, I rowed up in my wherry, 
 to pay a parting visit to the Major and his 
 
A sportsman's life. 63 
 
 daughters. Imagination has so much to do 
 with all that interests, indeed all that belongs 
 to the dawn of our career, that when the twi- 
 light of our days stretches its shadows around 
 us, we desire, in vain, to recall a beam of its 
 radiance. Such I find the case when memory 
 wanders into the past, in relation to all save 
 the last few hours of that visit. Let but the 
 slightest memorial arise, and the scene is be- 
 fore me, filled with all that, in '* lang syne," 
 threw a halo over it. But I must not dwell 
 on these recollections : the catastrophe will 
 hereafter strike, and rudely, some of the 
 chords of feeling that then made music to my 
 heart. 
 
 The moon floated full over the sleeping 
 waters of the Severn. The autumn eve scat- 
 tered its fragrance, as incense, on a spot that 
 might have served for a paradise of pure and 
 holy spirits. I descended to my boat with 
 one of the fair sisters on either side : a hur- 
 ried adieu, filled with hopes and promises, 
 was spoken. I entered my little vessel, and 
 with one lusty pull she was clear of the bank 
 
64 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 At that moment a slip of folded paper fell at 
 my feet. I placed it in my breast, and was 
 soon flying with the current. My first im- 
 pulse, on reaching home, was to read my 
 billet : — 
 
 " A myrtle round my window twines, 
 
 And blooms in beauty there, 
 When sunlight in its glory shines, 
 
 Or storms are dark and drear. 
 Thus ever cherished as thou art, 
 
 Alike in weal or ill, 
 Near or apart, one constant heart 
 
 Shall cling around thee still, 
 Dear love ! 
 
 Shall cling around thee still. 
 
 " "When summer smiles, a gentle bird 
 
 Sings at my lattice frame ; 
 When mnter frowns, its note is heard 
 
 To warble still the same ; 
 Thus loved and cherished as thou art, 
 
 Alike in weal or ill. 
 Near or apart, one constant heart 
 
 Shall cling around thee still. 
 Dear love ! 
 
 Shall cling around thee still," 
 
 Thus had a maiden told the story of her 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 65 
 
 heart ; how truly the prophecy was fulfilled 
 will form not the least grateful recollection 
 of these pages. 
 
 The auspicious day had arrived in which I 
 was to put off the chrysalis of boyhood, and 
 go forth in freedom, one of creation's lords. 
 Peradventure, it may not be without interest 
 for posterity to be informed how a youth of 
 the nineteenth century entered upon his cam- 
 paign at Alma Mater. I will furnish an ex- 
 ample that may serve for an illustration. 
 
 The first dawn was yet at issue with night, 
 when I found myself in the stable, busied in 
 arranging the order of march for my advanced 
 guard. A strapping chestnut hunter, with 
 knee-caps on, was already caparisoned for 
 travel ; a snaffle, and leading-rein attached, 
 together with a halter, formed his head-gear. 
 His load was ample, consisting of a saddle, 
 various bridles, a profuse supply of clothes, 
 and a pair of saddle-bags, the whole covered 
 w4th oilcloth, most artistically fitted. In the 
 next stall, secured by the rack-reins, was a 
 clever grey hackney, her mane receiving a 
 
66 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 finishing touch from the groom, whose boots, 
 spurs, and overalls, proclaimed that the hour 
 had come in which he was to take the road. 
 
 In a few minutes the detachment was on its 
 way; the tall hunter striding proudly and 
 carelessly onward, while the spruce hackney, 
 bestridden by her light and practised jockey, 
 seemed to skim over the surface with the 
 grace and buoyancy of the dew, which the 
 sun had just summoned from its couch in the 
 valley. 
 
 At the door of the hall stood a carriage, 
 receiving the impedimenta of the main body. 
 The old butler, assisted by the whole force of 
 the establishment, was laying in materiel 
 enough to have renovated Troy in the tenth 
 year of her siege. Guns and pistols — double- 
 barrelled, plain-bore, and rifle — gunpowder, a 
 curious and profuse supply ; and shot, suited 
 to anything from a condor to a humming-bird, 
 were being stowed away. Here was a little 
 forest of fishing-rods, cricket-bats, four-horse 
 "crops," coursing-poles, and boot-trees; there, 
 preserved pineapple, home-potted trout, 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 67 
 
 quince marmalade, woodcock pies, and cherry 
 bounce, sufficient to astonish the corporation 
 of Bristol. Add to these, box-coats and 
 "poodle-Benjamins," cigar cases, and meer- 
 schaum pipes ; two or three broad-brimmed 
 hats, a handful of Welsh wigs, and a brace of 
 bull-terriers, and you have an outline of the 
 style of outfit appertaining to a gentleman- 
 commoner of either university twenty years 
 ago. 
 
 At an ample bay-window, looking upon 
 these preparations, were the father and son. 
 The breakfast-table, from which they had 
 arisen, exhibited not its wonted appearance. 
 Instead of the usual debris of fish, flesh, and 
 fowl, the equipage and victual were undis- 
 turbed : the guests shewed not a similar com- 
 posure. Care and anxiety were on the brow 
 of the one — ^hope and light-heartedness in the 
 bearing of the other. The scene was painful 
 — fortunately it was brief; the word was 
 brought that "all was ready;" the father's 
 cheek grew pale — flushed — he felt the trem- 
 bling hand with which his boy's farewell 
 
68 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 grasp was given. The son's heart throbbed 
 tumultuously — there was a mist on all he 
 gazed at, for his eyes, as his heart, were full. 
 
 " Adieu, God bless you, my dear, dear 
 father ;" thus spake Hyde Marston : a bound 
 placed him in the carriage ; the lads cracked 
 their whips, four good posters soon cleared 
 the avenue, and dashing through the lodge- 
 gates, launched him upon the great ocean of 
 life_^4ord of himself." 
 
 It is Bulwer, I think, who says that Oxford 
 is the place where the student soon finds out 
 that learning is not better than house and 
 land. If he has not previously made the dis- 
 covery, certainly he is not likely to remain 
 long in ignorance within the precincts of that 
 learned city. As occasional allusions will 
 occur, which might involve those who have 
 long since become '* grave and reverend sig- 
 nors," it may be as well not to name the par- 
 ticular college of which I became a member, 
 but simply to state that I did not reside 
 within the walls, but occupied the rooms of a 
 perfumer in High Street. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 69 
 
 Being already known to T -, of Oriel, 
 
 the two S — s of Christchurch, and a few 
 others of the right sort, it took me but little 
 time to get under weigh, and in a month my 
 trim and style of sailing might vie with that 
 of the fastest clipper of Isis. Probably there 
 was not a set at Alma Mater less troubled with 
 the slows than that of which I had been en- 
 rolled a member. The base and sordid are 
 wont to illustrate a free spirit by the figure of 
 *' burning the candle at both ends ;" there 
 was not an individual of our society who 
 would have hesitated for an instant in setting 
 fire to all the tallow Russia ever produced, to 
 light himself across a gutter. 
 
 It wanted yet a couple of months of the 
 hunting season ; autumn was still in its prime, 
 and " men " occupied themselves, according 
 to their tastes, with the river or the road. 
 Towards the latter my bias inclined, and with 
 
 T , of Oriel, to drive " against me," as 
 
 partner, I went to work on the Veteran, under 
 the auspices of George Flowers, a tolerable 
 coachman, a Lothario of the first water, and 
 regius professor of beer and tobacco. 
 
70 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 The " road " was at this period rapidly ap- 
 proaching that perfection which it only at- 
 tained to become a portion of the things that 
 were. From its central situation, Oxford 
 was 2. focus for coach-travelling, and the scene 
 in the corn-market, at noon, was probably 
 without a parallel of its kind. Here, with six 
 horses, and as many tons of luggage about it, 
 was seen some ponderous night " heavy," 
 rolling up to the Star ; and there, one of the 
 flying Cheltenhams, glancing like a meteor 
 after its ten minutes' luncheon at the Angel. 
 It was a spectacle that — woe is me ! — we 
 shall look on no more ; neither shall such even 
 be compassed in imagination by future gene- 
 rations of loco-smoko-motives. 
 
 But pleasant as were these things, they did 
 not engross all my time or attention. There 
 was a space devoted to reading (in the ratio 
 of FalstafF's bread and sack, I confess), and 
 there were visits to Woodstock and Nuneham ; 
 brushing gallops, as earnest of the future, 
 upon Shotover, or meditative wanderings in 
 Witchwood Forest. Ay, even so — hours 
 devoted to many and deep thoughts of the 
 
A sportsman's life. 71 
 
 past ; albeit the boy's life might scarce seem 
 to have furnished food for musing, or melan- 
 choly retrospection : who shall judge of the 
 heart ? 
 
 It was now the middle of December, and 
 fox-huntino' was runninsf a orlorious career. 
 Between Sir Thomas Mostyn and the Duke of 
 Beaufort, hounds were always within reach ; 
 indeed, frequently more than one university 
 man out of a hundred could make available ; 
 the spirit was sufficiently willing, but the 
 horse-flesh was weak. For three months I 
 had been going the pace that kills, my only 
 regret being that it was ever necessary to pull 
 bit, or get out of boots and breeches. 
 
 But the surgit amari aliqitidf was an in- 
 quiry from which I had not been wholly ex- 
 empt. My horses were at livery, my groom 
 on board-wages, and though the establishment 
 was small, it was expensive — in fact, awfully 
 costly. After the lapse of the first month of 
 residence, my little Irishman absolutely did 
 nothing but bring up *' small accounts," me- 
 moranda of " trifling bills furnished," and 
 
72 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 refreshers about "kind promises to settle," 
 &c. during such occasions as chanced to 
 bring me within doors. 
 
 The old Cambridge joke, cequam {equam) me- 
 mento rebus in arduis suggested itself to my 
 philosophy ; differently rendered, however, 
 from the translation popular among the Can- 
 tabs — I did think of my mare, but it was with 
 the view of turning her into cash, when acci- 
 dent (a Welsh rabbit and gin-cocktail at the 
 
 Mitre) introduced me to one Mr. J , who 
 
 had come up from the Principality to drive 
 the Bristol mail, and take his degree as 
 Master of Arts. 
 
 We used to sup at adjoining tables ; were 
 wont to call for the same grills, malts, and 
 brews — vinous and spirituous ; and to make 
 it always a point never to call for the bill. 
 It defied even English phlegm to resist such 
 sympathy as this. The first advance brought 
 us on smoking terms ; we then reached the 
 point of sharing a bowl of punch, and, finally, 
 became confidential. 
 
 The result of our mutual disclosures was, 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 73 
 
 that each was entrusted with a fact of which 
 both were previously in possession, viz. that 
 neither could bond fide command as much 
 of the coin of the realm as would represent 
 the capital expended upon manufacturing 
 
 their respective cigars. Whether J was 
 
 actually thinking upon this illustration of our 
 exchequer, on the evening that we made clean 
 breasts, I never learned ; but no sooner was 
 all snug in my rooms, whither we proceeded 
 to form a committee of finance, than he 
 thus broached his project : — 
 
 " There is no doing, my dear fellow," he 
 observed, at the same time constructing a stiff 
 beaker of Hollands grog, and firing the ex- 
 tremity of an undeniable Woodville, " I say 
 there is no doing (at least in this part of the 
 kingdom) without some miscellaneous silver, 
 if only to jingle in the tails of one's coat — 
 vo^ et prcBterea nihil — I haven't a dump ; 
 what says the honourable member opposite ?" 
 
 " That, in addition to the nothing which 
 he possesses, he is some £'300 sterling on the 
 debtor side of certain ledgers ; to the governor 
 
 VOL. L E 
 
74 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 it would be useless applying : I've overdone 
 it in that quarter — to be sure, I have an 
 uncle." 
 
 *' Ah, God be praised !" interrupted the 
 Welshman ; " that is a relative vouchsafed to 
 us all ; but it's not fair to keep the double 
 thong always going with a free worker ; no, 
 no, let your uncle alone this time, and we'll 
 see what can be done. Old , the tobac- 
 conist of Oxford Street, will melt a bit of stiff 
 at three months — can you manage a ten- 
 shilling stamp ?" 
 
 A bill was duly concocted ; J took 
 
 it to town by the following night's " Bristol ;" 
 negociated it with the functionary alluded to, 
 and each duly received the subjoined proceeds, 
 as '* value received" for his moiety of an ac- 
 ceptance for ^800, payable at three months 
 after date. 
 
 " Four boxes (a pound each) of Woodville's 
 prime cigars, six pounds of fine snuffs, five 
 dozen Moet's Champagne, twenty-two extra 
 plated cheese-toasters (very superior articles), 
 three gallons best walnut catsup (fine flavour, 
 
A sportsman's life. 75 
 
 warranted), and twenty Bank of England 
 notes for £5 each." 
 
 The Ides of March at length arrived. It 
 was the eve of a splendid day ; one of those 
 angel visits that the season permits, as a fore- 
 taste of spring ; and I had returned to my 
 rooms at the perfumer's, after a capital day 
 with the Duke, in his hill country. My snug 
 drawing-room looked the very ideal of com- 
 fort. In the centre stood a table, clothed in 
 damask, the colour of Alpine snow, with plate 
 and glass of fitting quality ; while in the grate 
 blazed a fire like a little gas manufactory. 
 Saluting the fire, a la mode A7iglaise, one boot 
 off, the emancipated foot stuck into a yellow 
 morocco slipper, with a bumper of Seltzer- 
 water and cura9oa in hand, stood " the intel- 
 lectual lord of all. " 
 
 In attendance, most correctly got up, as to 
 boots, leathers, frock, neckcloth, and so forth, 
 was Maher, scarce a yard and a quarter above 
 the carpet he trode upon, but looking cer- 
 tificates that, as Spado says in the farce, " in 
 soul he was forty feet high." According to 
 
 E 2 
 
76 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Lord Bjroii, a dog's nose is the seat of his 
 mind : it is difficult to say whereabouts a 
 servant's storehouse of perception is situate, 
 but that he or she does mark, learn, and com- 
 prehend, with a faculty that seems to be a 
 compound of reason and instinct, is past per- 
 adventure. 
 
 Now, my duodecimo domestic was pos- 
 sessed, by means of the above mysterious 
 property, of a very considerable part, if not 
 of the whole, of the commercial episode with 
 which the reader has been entrusted. This I 
 gathered from certain soliloquies that even 
 his characteristic submission could not en- 
 tirely smother. The cheese-toasters moved 
 his especial bile : more than once I espied him 
 holding one in his hand, as Hamlet does the 
 skull of Yorick, muttering — 
 
 " Ah ! thin is the master rally goin' to 
 stand for a Welsh borough, that he has laid 
 in such a stock of Taffey traps ?" 
 
 Thus matters stood, and thus stood I, in act 
 to escape from my second boot, when the hue 
 of the Hibernian's face struck me of a heap. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE, 77 
 
 " Jack," said I, ** what the d — Ps the mat- 
 ter with you ? — is ' Ferryman' dying, or are 
 you going to cut your oivn stick ? Why, man, 
 you are as pale as a ghost, and as nervous as 
 St. Vitus." 
 
 "Oh! nothin' in life's the mather, sir — 
 nothin' at all ; let me finish dressing you, 
 sir; and ate your dinner, sir — it'll do ye 
 good. Who's there ?" he roared, as a low 
 tap at the door made him jump oiF his feet ; 
 " there's nobody at home ; Mr Hyde is not 
 come back from hunting ; I don't expect him 
 to-night." 
 
 " Mr. Maher," said a tiny treble from out 
 the throat of one of the younglings of the 
 perfumer's flock ; *' if you please, Mr. Maher, 
 the two stout gentlemen that called this morn- 
 ing are in the hall ; they say they saw Mr. 
 Marston come in ; oh ! here they are, walking 
 up stairs." 
 
 ** Tare and ounds !" shouted the little fel- 
 low, springing to the door, which he locked 
 and bolted, " the Philistians is upon us ; it's 
 true, for me, by Jas — I mane, that's a fact — 
 
78 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 arrah ! what sort of a time is this for a man 
 to be picking his Meed and 'deeds ! Out of 
 the bed-room windy, sir — (hadn't ye bether 
 knock the doore down, and let yourselves in ?) 
 — on wid your grate coat, and dhrop quitely 
 into the garding. It's the ould tobacco- 
 theef s bums is in it ; sure, didn't I twig them 
 the morning when they called ? wasn't I born 
 in Kildare, where the childer scent a fiery 
 faces (fieri facias) as nathrally as a hound 
 does a fox ? Lep'd elegant ! beautiful con- 
 vaniances them cowcumber-beds for a gin tie- 
 man to hop into when- he's in a hurry. Now, 
 over the wall, and we're in Love Lane ; may 
 be ye'd like an entapis, Mr. Bums, as Charley 
 said to the Balruddery boys." 
 
 In less time than it has occupied to tell the 
 adventure, Jack and I were scudding over the 
 bridge, and, turning short to the right, pre- 
 sently cleared the first mile-stone on the 
 London road. 
 
 At the door of a small public-house, at the 
 foot of the hill, one of the Holyhead "up" 
 coaches had halted to have its lamps lit. A 
 
79 
 
 glass of brandy and water each, to coachman 
 and guard, afforded us space to recover breath 
 after our gallop, and imbibe similar restora- 
 tives ourselves. Then, mounting the leathern 
 convenience, followed by my fidus Achates, 
 yielding, in the spirit of a philosophy that 
 became a gentleman commoner, to the pres- 
 sure from without, I stuck one of the plain- 
 tiff's best Woodvilles in my cheek, and, by 
 the blessing of six teams of cripples, and a 
 prodigality of whipcord, beheld the dawn gild 
 the chimney-pots of Kensington gravel-pits. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. 
 
 Johnson's theory of goblins — Uncle Tom on death — A 
 dissipated waiter — The Ultimi Romanorum — A resurrection 
 in the nineteenth century — How to turn an honest penny — 
 A new " subject" for surgery — How to breakfast in short 
 breeches — " Poor Tom's a cold" — Tit for tat, that is to say, 
 doing a tailor — Mauvaise plaisanterie — How to die a daily 
 (paper) death. 
 
 E D 
 
" think what anxious moments pass between 
 The birth of plans, and their last periods !" 
 
 Addison. 
 
 " Quocirca vivite fortes ; 
 Fortiaque adversis opponite pectora rebus." 
 
 HORAT. Sat. Lib. ii., Sat. 11. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 85 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Doctor Samuel Johnson, the severest of 
 sages and doughtiest of modern philosophers, 
 had as lively faith in the theory of ghosts and 
 goblins as the most hysterical lady's maid ; 
 one of England's thrice valorous commanders, 
 an admiral with half the alphabet for a tail 
 to his patronymic, would swoon outright if a 
 kitten protruded the points of its whiskers 
 into the same room with him ; and, according 
 to Shakspeare, the music of a bagpipe has the 
 effect upon some men that a cannon ball has 
 on a water-spout at sea. 
 
 With such authorities staring him in the 
 face, who shall deny that the wealthy ^Ir. 
 Thomas Longueville, the " uncle Tom" of this 
 
84 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 history, possessed sufficient right and title to 
 indulge his proper fancies? In my first 
 chapter I spoke of that worthy as possessing 
 a fair round stomach, but, in other respects, 
 as being of a spare habit. The phraseology 
 of the stable helps me to an exact description 
 of him ; — he was *' a wiry-legged one, with a 
 large middle-piece ;" but, by a dispensation 
 of Fate, no doubt wisely ordained, man rarely, 
 if ever, understands his idiosyncrasy aright. 
 
 Lord thinks that the horns of a dilemma 
 
 are best managed by such as wear antlers 
 
 under their wigs ; Bishop holds that the 
 
 fact of having jumped a theological Jim Crow 
 entitles the performer to enact Jack Pudding 
 
 in front of the woolsack ; and Colonel 
 
 is aghast with astonishment when his logic 
 fails to convince the popular legislative assem- 
 bly that two and two make five. 
 
 In the affair of his physique, my uncle was 
 similarly situated. The matter of stomach 
 was a constant ** casus belW (may I be par- 
 doned an anavoidable pun ?) between him and 
 my father. With bowels of triple brass, and 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 85 
 
 a weasand like the cylinder of a high -pressure 
 engine, he was conscientiously persuaded that 
 his chyle was scarcely a match for a sweet- 
 bread, or his oesophagus for a lubrifaction 
 stronger than lemonade. 
 
 My father, as I have said, was not a stoic ; 
 and it kept the nose of his patience on the 
 grindstone to hear a stout gentleman utter- 
 ing hourly lamentations for the annihilation 
 of his digestion, and to see him consume pro- 
 vender by the pound avoirdupois. My father 
 swore that Tom was booked for as long a pil- 
 grimage as the wandering Jew ; and Tom him- 
 self asserted, and believed it, that his place 
 was already taken for the other world. 
 
 Twelve hours of a March night, spent upon 
 the " slates" of a mail or post-coach, would 
 bring before the imagination even of a Polar 
 bear visions of Whitney blankets and pans of 
 hot coals. Small space, therefore, it will be 
 easily conceived, did the Oxford fugitives ex- 
 pend in procuring a passage to their refuge, 
 having once doubled Cumberland Gate. 
 
 Has the courteous reader ever seen Loner's 
 
86 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 coffee-room at six a.m. on a winter's morning ? 
 Should he never have had that luck, I conjure 
 him to do so before he marries and settles in 
 the country; it will help him in the matter 
 of the rural and domestic considerably. As 
 I issued from the jarvey, there stood to receive 
 me the same dissipated-looking little waiter, 
 who, for several seasons of my life, never 
 permitted me to enter my bed in Clifford 
 Street without insinuating a bottle of iced 
 punch into my stomach, or into my bill. 
 I wonder if he's dead or alive, and, should 
 he be deceased, whether he ever, by any 
 chance, thinks of iced punch now. 
 
 " There's a trifle of quiet smoke going on 
 still, sir," said he of the dissolute visage, with 
 a bow ; " perhaps you'd like to ' cloud' before 
 you turn in ?" 
 
 At the moment I would have gone any 
 where in this world, or the other, where there 
 was a fire ; so, despite a horrible grimace from 
 Maher, I kicked open the door, and entered 
 the coffee-room. 
 
 Around a grate full of dying embers sat a 
 
A sportsman's life. 87 
 
 group, comprising a select half-dozen of the 
 ultimi Romanorum. In an arm-chair, with 
 his legs over the back, vehemently dishevelled 
 
 as to his carrots, sat S , his waistcoat 
 
 (that had once been white) besprinkled w^ith 
 wine and ashes, like a sacrificial altar. 
 
 Recumbent on a chaise longue was R , 
 
 the good-humoured, rosy-gilled R , who 
 
 looked (and still looks, meet him where you 
 may — w^hich is everywhere) as if all the 
 broadcloth about him had grown upon each 
 particular spot it covered. 
 
 A sofa, qualified for Greenwich, supported 
 
 stalwart J (his head considerably below 
 
 the horizontal) ; as fine a specimen of the 
 Milesian, at the time, as you'd meet, from the 
 Giant's Causeway to the Old Head of Kinsale. 
 The other moiety of the group Avas strictly in 
 keeping ; but perhaps the sample already given 
 may convey a fair idea of the lot. 
 
 It will be supposed that such a party, under 
 present circumstances especially, were not 
 likely to be fastidious, or easily moved ; never- 
 theless, my entree seemed to make a sensation. 
 
88 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Albeit, erratic as were the habits of the ma- 
 jority frequenting the Bond Street hostel 
 where our scene is laid, it was not every day 
 in the week such a phantom as then invaded 
 it made " night hideous." The figure had not 
 its " beaver up," because it was minus that 
 accommodation ; but, in lieu thereof, its head 
 and face were swathed in a shawl, the only 
 feature visible being a nose, then a little red- 
 dish. 
 
 A shaggy great coat was speedily thrown 
 aside ; and there stood I, confessed — in an 
 orthodox pink; white cords, most scientifi- 
 cally soiled ; a top-boot encasing one leg ; a 
 blue worsted stocking and a yellow morocco 
 slipper doing duty for a similar convenience 
 on the other. Horace's nil admirari is a 
 quality that never wholly deserts good society. 
 Whatever might have been the actual feeling 
 on the occasion, it was expressed carelessly, 
 and in a good-humoured, gentlemanlike style. 
 The first to speak was S . 
 
 " Ah !" said he, removing his weed between 
 his second and third fingers, *' what debauched 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 89 
 
 habits men acquire at college ! — here, at the 
 hour for chapel, enters gentleman commoner 
 Hyde Marston, from a masquerade." 
 
 It's no joke," said I ; " the cold has almost 
 done for me. Are there no coals in the 
 house ? cannot a drain of any thing warm be 
 had ?" 
 
 " I see it all," interrupted R , sitting 
 
 upright, and ringing a peal upon the bell ; " a 
 raw morning, and the wind does blow keenly, 
 from those Hampstead hills, upon the neigh- 
 hood of Burton Crescent. You, James ! 
 waiter — fuel ! quick ! none of your Newcastle 
 incombustibles, but something that will flare 
 up incontinently: wood, I say — lignum super 
 foco ; and, d'ye hear, a member of the univer- 
 sity of Oxford is athirst ; use despatch, and 
 bring in a tub of brandy." 
 
 Well singest thou, Byron ; pleasure is in- 
 deed a pleasant thing, and excellent, withal, 
 as a moral alternative. Suppose a man were 
 to weep himself to stone, would he be the 
 better able to discharge an acceptance for 
 i'800, the amount of his cash balance being 
 
90 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 under as many pence ? Thus I mused, while 
 occupied in constructing a tumbler of brandy- 
 and-water ; and, by the time my cigar was 
 well alight, the inward man was placid and 
 composed. 
 
 I looked at my booted leg, and at that 
 which was slip-shod — then at the blazing 
 wood fire, and the jolly companions around ; 
 and, having whispered an internal inquiry as 
 to what the odds might be, so long as one 
 was happy, surrendered myself to the stream 
 of circumstance. 
 
 *' Come, J ," said one of the circle, 
 
 considerably advanced in wine, taking off his 
 wig and thrusting it into his coat pocket, 
 while he proceeded to load the bowl of a 
 meerschaum resembling a half-bushel ; " come, 
 
 J , don't let the arrival of this ingenuous 
 
 youth deprive us of the advantage of your 
 moral. Pray proceed with your story, which, 
 if I remember me, left off in Bury Street, or 
 Pickering Place." 
 
 " In the former," said J , with his 
 
 racy northern brogue, which gave an attic 
 
A sportsman's life. 91 
 
 relish to the narrative ; *' and, as I was say- 
 ing, Ireland was never in such luck since the 
 
 repeal of the Union. S , there, and I, 
 
 won every coup we played, and before mid- 
 night the bank was ' burst.' Old an- 
 nounced the failure, with the smile that a 
 hyaena puts on when the showman stirs him 
 up with a long pole. * Down on my luck, 
 gentlemen,' said he ; ' worse chance now, 
 better next trial. There is no coin in the 
 house ; but what's the use of brains if a man 
 can't discount them ? Perhaps you wouldn't 
 mind helping an industrious fellow to turn an 
 honest penny ; it won't occupy you long. 
 Jim, my door porter, when town's empty, and 
 times is bad, does a trifle in a line that, now 
 there's a pinch for cash, I don't mind trying 
 my own hand at. Here, Jim, run into the 
 mews, and see if you can't borrow a sack.' 
 
 " In five minutes Jim returned with the 
 bag, in which the old pandemonium-keeper 
 proceeded to deposit himself. * Now,' he con- 
 tinued, 'just tie the top with a bow-knot, and 
 give me hold of one of the running ends. It's 
 
92 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 only across Piccadilly ; call a conveyance, and 
 the job will be done while you're thinking 
 
 about it.' Forthwith S and I, and the 
 
 door-porter, stowed away our live lumber, and 
 
 ordered the coach to set down at Sir 's, 
 
 in Saville Row. As we turned out of Bond 
 Street, a voice from the canvas exclaimed, 
 * Jim, you mustn't let me go no how under a 
 pony — five-and-twenty pounds is the lowest 
 farthing. Tell the doctor you never brought 
 him such a subject before ; and, if you never 
 deliver yourself of a worse lie than that, 
 you'll do.' 
 
 " The people in Saville Row were quite 
 au fait to their business. A cloak was handed 
 out, in which the sack was enveloped ; hardly 
 had the door closed upon the merchandize, 
 when it opened again, let out Jim with the 
 money in his hand, and almost as soon as our- 
 selves, old 's body was again in Bury 
 
 Street ; there never was such an illustration 
 of the quick and the dead." 
 
 In a sadly hackneyed hexameter, Virgil 
 makes the Queen of Carthage, with an exem- 
 
A sportsman's life. 93 
 
 plary spirit, for a pagan, express herself to 
 the effect that, having known grief, she had 
 learnt how to feel for the distressed. On the 
 morning that succeeded the foregoing sym- 
 posium, I awoke to a contemplation that 
 wrought a similar effect. Never, from that 
 hour, do I hear of a gentleman being com- 
 pelled to keep his bed while his shirt is 
 washed, without sympathising with him as a 
 brother. It was long past noon ; and in the 
 centre of the room, upon which the sun shone 
 strongly, stood Maher, with an expression of 
 face compounded of a grin and a cry — 
 
 " You didn't want me to brush your clothes, 
 or your hat, sir," said the little villain ; " so 
 I waited till your bell rang. Shall I bring 
 you some breakfast? — you can't so well go 
 down in " 
 
 '' Go to the d— 1 !" said I. '' Fetch me 
 half-a-dozen broiled kidneys, and a tankard 
 of stout ; I shall be better able to work after 
 I'm fed." 
 
 Son of man ! whence cometh it that thou 
 dost suffer thy spirit to droop, and thy heart 
 
94 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 to sink even unto the pit of thy stomach? 
 " In nature there is nothing melancholy ;" 
 why, then, should thy soul be sad ? Scarce 
 is the bright vault of Heaven hidden by the 
 shadows of night, than the east again smiles 
 in her promise of glory and gladness ; while 
 yet the black suit of winter clothes hill and 
 valley, the snowdrop and primrose are seen 
 decorating its dreary costume. Mortal man ! 
 arise, and be of good cheer. Heaven hath 
 its sunlight ; earth hath her flowers ; and thou 
 hast philosophy — and thy breakfast. Having, 
 in this mood, done justice to the kidneys and 
 porter, I found under my ribs " a heart for 
 any fate." 
 
 " And now, Maher," I continued, " as it is 
 neither pleasant nor reputable to lie abed be- 
 yond sunset, betake thyself to Beaumeister, 
 and tell him I must have a suit of mourning 
 by dinner hour ; swear I can't leave the house 
 without it, and you'll not perjure yourself. 
 Jupp and O'Shaughnessy are good in the items 
 of hats and boots. See that thy master and 
 self are equipp'd with all things fitting. Bring 
 
A sportsman's life. 95 
 
 a newspaper ; go forth and replenish the ward- 
 robe." 
 
 There is one peculiarity in the character of 
 tailors that I do not remember to have seen 
 noticed by any of the writers who have turned 
 their attention to those fractions of the human 
 species. All men, more or less in the degree, 
 are obnoxious to imposition, and liable to fall 
 into the snares of the crafty and designing. 
 Now your tailor, " like the scorpion girt with 
 fire," if nobody comes forward to do for him, 
 is driven by his instinct to volunteer the act 
 for himself. Some such reflections as these 
 were dividing my musing w ith the fashionable 
 on-dits of the " Morning Post," when I was 
 attracted by a conversation carried on in a 
 suppressed tone, in my sitting-room, which 
 was only divided from the head of ray bed by 
 a wainscot partition. 
 
 " Indeed you can't see my master, Mr. 
 Beaumeister ; he's in bed, and in great grief : 
 what'll I tell him about the mourning?" 
 
 " It's in hand, and you may rely on it in 
 time to dress for dinner. But this death, Mr. 
 
96 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Maher ; it's an awful thing, death ; very sud- 
 den, I suppose? — run away from Oxford, I 
 perceive, at a moment's warning — hope old 
 Mr. Marston " 
 
 " Oh ! — it's not him at all at all — only a 
 relation of Mr. Hyde, that was drinking the 
 waters at Cheltenham, and went off like the 
 snuff of a candle ; the Lord preserve us !" 
 
 " I see — his uncle — read his arrival the 
 other day at the Plough ! How unexpected ! 
 Mr. Longueville looked so hearty and well : 
 there is no trusting to appea " 
 
 " True for you ; but " 
 
 " Ay, ay, he ivas of an apoplectic habit : 
 well, it can't be cured ; so, as the poet says, 
 it must be endured : lots of money there, Mr. 
 Maher ; your master comes in for all ?" 
 
 ** You may say that." 
 
 '' All coin, in the funds ?" 
 
 " Every tinpenny piece in the five-per- 
 cents." 
 
 " Now, perhaps, you were obliged to come 
 away without a supply of present cash ; I'm 
 almost ashamed to offer " 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 97 
 
 " Oh ! don't apologize." 
 
 '* But if I might furnish a small supply, and 
 take the trouble off Mr. Marston's hands — " 
 
 "You're heartily welcome, Mr. Beaumeister ; 
 I'm sure my master won't be disobleged the 
 laste in life : there's one or two things neces- 
 sary on these occasions, which " 
 
 " All shall be attended to : leave it to me ; 
 I'm used to these affairs." 
 
 Were I put to the torture, to force me to 
 confess why I thus permitted my uncle to be 
 despatched without an effort to save him, I 
 could not give a reason. It might have been 
 that the extravagant impudence of the Irish- 
 man overcame me, or that the rank verdure 
 of the cockney was too exquisitely luxurious 
 to be foregone. 
 
 Whatever was the cause, in effect there I 
 lay, till Maher, about six, entered, with my 
 " inky suit," and a polite note, enclosing the 
 supplies. As the mischief was done, I saw 
 nothing for it but to let the affair remain as 
 it was till morning, when I resolved to set the 
 tailor right ; arrange with him the amount of 
 
 VOL. I. F 
 
98 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 his advance ; and put the best face in my 
 power upon a piece of mauvaise plaisanterie. 
 In this mood I dressed, descended to the cof- 
 fee-room, and soon forgot everything, but that 
 the wine and the company were of choice fla- 
 vour. 
 
 It was the evening of the following day, 
 and Mr. Thomas Longueville sat before a 
 blazing hearth, in one of the drawing-rooms 
 of the Plough. Coffee had just been placed 
 before him, and the morning paper was dry- 
 ing on the fender. The wind moaned without, 
 and the rain fell heavily. 
 
 " It's a monstrous melancholy night," said 
 uncle Tom, giving the fire a rousing ; *' enough 
 to infect any man with the horrors ; and, to 
 say the truth, I'm not in the very best spirits. 
 I feel, as the saying is, as if some one was 
 walking over my grave. Well, here's the pa- 
 per ; let me see if I can't find something in it 
 to amuse and cheer me." 
 
 Uncle Tom folded the journal scientifically, 
 wiped his spectacles, placed them carefully 
 across his nose, and, holding his broad sheet 
 
A sportsman's life. 99 
 
 so that the full glare of the pair of wax lights 
 fell upon it, read as follows — 
 
 *' Died, on Monday last, at the Plough 
 Hotel, Cheltenham, whither he had gone for 
 the benefit of the waters, to the deep regret 
 of a large circle of friends, Thomas Longue- 
 ville, Esq., of Harley Street, in the sixtv- 
 third year of his age. His great wealth goes 
 to his nephew, Hyde Marston, Esq., at pre- 
 sent a member of the University of Oxford." 
 
 F 2 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 RANDOM REMINISCENCES. 
 
 A friend in need a friend indeed — Recollections of col- 
 lege life — True believers, tailors — Moulsey Hurst — " The 
 scratch" — The chivalry of pugilism — The ring — The key — 
 How to borrow a buggy — The Bedford in by-gone days — 
 Spirit of a sire (not a word about sainted). 
 
" Why should a man, whose blood is warm within. 
 Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster ? 
 Sleep when he wakes, and creep into the jaundice 
 By being peevish ?" 
 
 Merchant of Venice. 
 
 " O, 'tis the coldest youth upon a charge. 
 The most deliberate fighter." Dryden. 
 
 " Enquire at London, 'mong the taverns there ; 
 For there, they say, he daily doth frequent 
 With unrestrained, loose companions." 
 
 Shakspeare, 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 103 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 I have said that I descended to the coffee- 
 room when my toilette was completed, and 
 soon forgot every thing, except that the wine 
 and company were of choice flavour. Let it 
 not be supposed, however, that I had screwed 
 my philosophy up to a belief that nothing 
 more was necessary to enable a member of 
 the university to absent himself from his col- 
 lege than the act of mounting a Holyhead 
 night-coach, at the foot of Heddington Hill. 
 Despite the excellence of the cuisine, the cla- 
 ret, and the circle, at moments grim memories 
 of provosts and proctors would intrude, with 
 a vision of expulsion in the distance, more 
 awful than the sword of Damocles. 
 
104 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 The evening passed, and the morning's post 
 brought a letter from T — . He had learned 
 the secret of my flight, within an hour or two 
 of its occurrence ; and, having taken the im- 
 mediate precaution of putting my name on 
 the sick list, and causing the scout to draw 
 my commons regularly, there was a fair chance 
 that breathing- time would be allowed, to look 
 about and reorganize the scattered elements 
 of my fortunes. 
 
 As softening as the effect of distance upon 
 the physical world, in which hills are said to 
 *' look green afar off," is the influence of time 
 upon the moral of our lives. This was my 
 earliest scrape ; and it is with a feeling some- 
 what akin to pleasure that I look back upon 
 it now. It may be that I but half recall the 
 perplexity and anxiety that environed me when 
 within its meshes ; but how vivid, to one worn 
 and wasted with his pilgrimage, is the remem- 
 brance of the buoyancy of spirit, the assurance 
 of trust with which he encountered the labours 
 and difficulties of his way, ere he was taught 
 the lesson that hope can beguile as well as 
 promise ! 
 
A SPORTSMAN S LIFE. 105 
 
 Young as I was, of course I knew well 
 enough that the attempt to arrest " an in- 
 fant" was merely a dashing ruse, on the part 
 of the Oxford Street usurer. Had the cap- 
 ture been effected, he calculated that sooner 
 than go to the proof of non-age, his debtor 
 would have come down handsomely for a com- 
 promise : this his experience, no doubt, ena- 
 bled him to reckon upon. As it was, how- 
 ever, I put on a bold face, bearded the Cerbe- 
 rus in his kennel, and, by the aid of my father's 
 law familiar, the affair was soon adjusted. 
 
 With the tailor, of course, I had no trouble : 
 " suffei'ing is the badge of all his tribe :" an 
 assurance of settlement at an early day was 
 probably more than he expected. Let none 
 to whom a promise to pay is not confirma- 
 tion strong, and satisfaction ample, dare to 
 draw scissors, or assume thimble, within the 
 city or liberties of Westminster. Tailors are 
 the true children of the Land oi Promise : 
 ihe'iv faith is only limited by the calls that 
 are made on it. 
 
 The week spent upon this occasion at Long's 
 
 F 5 
 
106 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 was not without adventure. Having arranged 
 the business which brought me to town, and, 
 moreover, being in a healthy condition of ex- 
 chequer, I forthwith bestirred myself, as be- 
 came a youth of enterprise, to take my plea- 
 sure. 
 
 The rino: was at this time in considerable 
 fashion, and, as I had never seen a prize-fight, 
 
 it was settled, between the late Lord M 
 
 and myself, to make our debut at an affair of 
 the kind to be celebrated on Moulsey Hurst. 
 This was accomplished by means of four posters 
 from Bob Newman's, of Swallow Street. The 
 combatants were Philip Sampson, whom I af- 
 terwards saw fight big Brown, of Bridgenorth, 
 and, I think, a man of the name of Hall. As 
 a great deal has been written about pugilism, 
 both by friends and foes, its first impression 
 upon one whose taste has ever led him to re- 
 gard with enthusiasm the manly pastimes of 
 his countrymen may not be without inte- 
 rest. 
 
 A more animating sight, one that more 
 completely appeals to the core of manhood. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 107 
 
 than that of two human beings, in the prime 
 of life and vigour, engaged in the display of 
 extraordinary physical properties, aided by 
 the most accomplished skill, and supported 
 by indomitable courage, there cannot be wit- 
 nessed. Such, where the parties opposed to 
 each other are of known character and stand- 
 ing in their hardy profession, is a prize-fight, 
 at its commencement. When, having shaken 
 hands, these throw themselves into attitude 
 for the set-to ; their eyes bright as " load- 
 stars ;" every thew and sinew braced for the 
 strife ; each, in frame and station, the ideal of 
 grace, power, and determination; — those hearts 
 must, indeed, be moulded of vile dust, which 
 feel not, nor enter into the inspiration of the 
 contest. To such I belong not ; neither covet 
 I ** their tenements of clay.". . . . 
 
 There are few more rural spots than the 
 site of Hampton race-course, the famed Moul- 
 sey Hurst. On the day of which I am speak- 
 ing, the sun shone brightly upon its soft, green 
 carpet ; the silver Thames went sparkling by, 
 and a much more gentle company than in the 
 
108 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 present day a similar occasion would draw to- 
 gether was grouped around the scene of bat- 
 tle. The arena within the ropes was cleared ; 
 the usual preliminaries were gone through ; 
 and the seconds and bottle-holders retired, 
 leaving the principals face to face, their guards 
 up, in the centre of the ring. 
 
 Mj breath stopped, and my heart beat au- 
 dibly ; the throbs sounded to my ears as dis- 
 tinctly as ever did the chimes of the Horse 
 Guards' clock. It was a moment of intense 
 excitement, such as I had never known before. 
 The men eyed each other for a space, with 
 glances that the famished tiger flashes upon 
 its prey. A few feints were at first exchanged ; 
 at length a palpable blow was given ; another, 
 and another, followed ; then they fell thick as 
 summer hail, and the fighters were locked in 
 the wild struggle for the fall. 
 
 Thus it was for the first half-dozen rounds ; 
 an encounter in which men might engage, and 
 a spectacle on which men might look. But 
 its character altered rapidly with its progress. 
 The blood of backers and seconds was up ; 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 109 
 
 the worst passions of their natures were roused, 
 and all possible influences were strained to 
 intimidate, harass, and distract. Each party 
 in turn reviled, insulted, and loaded with every 
 conceivable indignity the champion of the 
 other. Every thing that loathsome language 
 could construct out of words was lavished to 
 draw aside the attention, or palsy the courage 
 of the belligerents. 
 
 As soon as some positive execution had 
 been done, the gibes, scoffings, and efforts to 
 intimidate and dishearten, opened on both 
 sides. 
 
 " Poor fellow ! " exclaimed the seconds, 
 bottle-holders, and friends of one party, ad- 
 dressing the opposite champion ; " have you 
 nobody to care for you, and take you away, 
 while there's a trifle of life left ?" 
 
 " Why, he's dead, and does n't know it !" 
 
 " Where's the coroner ?" 
 
 " Fetch a shutter !" 
 
 " Dog's meat !" 
 
 " Is there ever a doctor wants a subject ?" 
 &c. ; while the other side were roaring — 
 
110 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 " Phil ! give it him easy, or he's a stiff un.'' 
 
 " Oh ! crikey, is it his nose that's a sticking 
 out at the back of his head ?" 
 
 " Handle the sponge tenderly, or you'll 
 wipe out his other eye." 
 
 *' Well, if he will fight, it's only man- 
 slaughter, let the beak do his worst." 
 
 " Another little un in the larder." 
 
 *' Down he goes." 
 
 " He can't get up." 
 
 " Where's the use; if he could, he can't see." 
 
 " He'll never see again." 
 
 " He'll never stand again !" 
 
 " Carry him out." 
 
 " Bury him decently ;" and such like ani- 
 mating allusions. 
 
 For a mortal hour, or more, amid a roar of 
 abomination to which Billingsgate would have 
 been Ciceronian elegance, the fight was pro- 
 longed ; and Sampson was, I believe, declared 
 the victor.^ I may be mistaken in the identity 
 
 ^ I rather think the fight here alluded to was that be- 
 tween Ned Neal and Jim Burn, which I also saw, and the 
 dates were nearly alike. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE, 111 
 
 of this battle, but the characteristics attri- 
 buted to it apply to all similar exhibitions; 
 and what were the first feelings they excited ? 
 That the principle of inculcating a spirit of 
 fair play, which alone could sanction the prac- 
 tice of pugilism, so far from being promoted 
 by the system, was, in a prize-fight, directly 
 outraofed and turned to scorn.^ 
 
 I am not going to perpetrate maudlin sen- 
 timent about the barbarity of the fair combat 
 between man and man. All animals are en- 
 dowed, more or less, with a warlike instinct ; 
 and men, from the highest to the lowest, have 
 acted upon it from the beginning, and will do 
 so to the end. But I cannot permit such a 
 libel to pass, as that, to the ribald ruffianism 
 of the prize-ring, we are indebted for the 
 manly nature of our national courage. It is 
 alike an insult to the reason and the charac- 
 ter of Englishmen to presume upon such a 
 
 ^ It is true that foul blows were repudiated; but every 
 thing else foul that the heart of man can conceive was not 
 alone permitted, but evidently esteemed the great points of 
 the spectacle. 
 
lis HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 need or such a result. British manliness re* 
 quires not to be, neither is it, upheld — 
 
 " tali auxilio ; nee defensoribus istis." 
 
 As M and I were dining together, 
 
 after our return, a note was handed to me, 
 
 from J , announcing that he had fallen 
 
 into captivity, having been that forenoon 
 ** picked out of his feathers" (taken in his 
 bed), in consequence of the " ignorant impa- 
 tience" of his cordwainer. Panegyrist of " the 
 good old times" — laudator temporis acti — how 
 deem ye of these degenerate days, wherein 
 the law is no longer the instrument of the 
 " bold bad man ;" neither at his caprice may 
 he consign his fellow-creature to a dungeon ? 
 Behold ! sorrow hath come upon the hairy of 
 Houndsditch ; and the circumcised of thy Cir- 
 cus, Finsbury, are sad of soul ! — ^because no 
 more is it permitted them to spread their 
 nets privily, neither to take into bondage the 
 earthly tabernacles of the unwary. 
 
 But the days of tribulation were not yet 
 over, and our Irish friend (it must be admit- 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 113 
 
 ted under circumstances of strong suspicion) 
 was fast in the gripe of the Philistines, in a 
 court contiguous to Carey Street. Thither we 
 hastened; and there, in a parlour, the size 
 of a sentry-box, discovered J , duly ac- 
 counted for, on a suit of trespass in the mat- 
 ter of much top-boots, dancing-pamps, and 
 such like leathern vanities. To our inquiries 
 as to what could be then and there done for 
 him, we were informed that it was " after 
 office hours," and, consequently, nothing could 
 be effected till morning. Seeing, therefore, 
 that the defendant could not come to us, we 
 resolved to abide with him, at least till we 
 were turned out ; and having devised a tole- 
 rably comfortable tipple, all things considered, 
 set about disposing of the night rather artis- 
 tically. 
 
 Notwithstanding that the apartment was 
 small, the fire laro^e enouo-h for Westminster 
 Hall, the toddy boiling, the tobacco-reek as 
 thick as pea-soup, and the thermometer about 
 twice as high as its ordinary elevation at the 
 line, the host and his accomplished daughter 
 
1 1 4 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 insisted upon favouring us with their society 
 and assistance in promoting the flow of soul 
 — and its accompaniments. 
 
 Upon a piece of barbarous furniture, that 
 served in capacity of sofa and turn-down bed- 
 stead, the female Israelite and I were seated 
 in awful proximity. One don't desire to be 
 thought deficient in gallantry, but at any ha- 
 zard I must avow I rarely in my life was situ- 
 ated much less to my taste. With a woman, 
 as it were, forced back into her primitive 
 " fix,'' — that is to say, taking her place again 
 among your ribs, — it is impossible to divest 
 yourself of all consciousness of her where- 
 abouts. 
 
 Never did I catch a glimpse of the semi- 
 circular visage stuck to the lapel of my coat, 
 like the order of the crescent, without fancy- 
 ing there was a vulture in petticoats perched 
 at my elbow. To add to her natural attrac- 
 tions, the damsel wielded a huge key in her 
 hand with such instinctive adroitness, that it 
 seemed like a supernumerary limb ; there was 
 an ominous polish upon it that spoke elo- 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 115 
 
 quently of safe custody in more respects than 
 one. 
 
 " Your key is fortunate," said I ; " is it 
 always so happy as to recline in that fair 
 palm ?" 
 
 " Hasn't been out of it these fourteen 
 years," replied the Israelitish maid. 
 
 " You don't mean to say you sleep with it 
 in your hand ?" 
 
 " I mean to say I couldn't sleep if it was 
 out of my hand ; I left it with father one night, 
 and never got a blessed wink." 
 
 " When you catch your game you make 
 pretty sure of it, then ; did you ever lose a 
 head by any chance ?" 
 
 " Yes, we had an escape about six years 
 ago, and father was fixed for a large sum. A 
 young Frenchman was here, against whom 
 there were detainers for upwards of i4,000. 
 He was with us about a week, when one even- 
 inof he sent for me to make his coffee ; I left 
 him in this room at nine o'clock, and never 
 saw him again. A few days after, we received 
 a letter from him dated Paris, stating the 
 
1 1 6 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 manner in which he effected his enlargement. 
 While I was occupied with his coffee, he sat 
 close to the table opposite to me ; beneath it, 
 upon his knee, he held a card, on which he 
 traced the various wards of this key, together 
 with its precise dimensions, and remained up 
 all night making a counterpart in strong wire 
 from his plan. In the morning, when the 
 centre door, to which it belongs, was the only 
 one locked, watching an opportunity, he let 
 himself out, and took his leave." 
 
 *' An undeniable illustration of French 
 leave," said I ; but either the allusion did 
 not take, or was not relished. 
 
 Before noon on the following day, " the 
 cruel cobbler" was induced to arrange, and 
 
 once more J joined the set that usually 
 
 breakfasted together at Long's. As we sat 
 discussing our meal, and matters and things 
 in general, I heard my name pronounced in a 
 most emphatic treble. The door opened, and 
 John Mytton, of Halston, with whom I had 
 but recently become acquainted, was an- 
 nounced. He wore a drab great-coat, very 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 117 
 
 long in the skirts, over a hunting-dress. " I 
 want you, Marston," said he, " to dine with 
 me to-night at the Bedford. I'm going to 
 look at Lord Derby's stag-hounds, and ordered 
 my carriage to follow me here. It's half- 
 past eleven" (a fact he learned from a timepiece 
 in the room, for he never wore a watch) ; " those 
 infernal fellows have fallen asleep in their 
 saddles. What's to be done? By Jove ! how 
 fortunate, here's a buggy at the door ; it's 
 just the thing." 
 
 " Holloa !" I shouted, as he strode away, 
 " that gig belongs to a doctor, who . . . . " 
 
 " So much the better," replied my new 
 acquaintance, holding the door ajar ; " being 
 a medical man, he knows the importance of 
 punctuality." 
 
 In a moment he jumped into the vacant 
 seat, seized whip and rein from the astounded 
 groom, gave the M.D.'s steed an awful smack 
 over the ears, and, as the polite novels say, 
 " was out of sight in an instant." 
 
 In the days I am writing of, they used to 
 serve you a haunch, and put a bottle of port 
 
118 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 wine on the table at the Bedford, better than 
 at any house of the kind in London. Clubs 
 had not then effected the ruin of taverns; 
 neither was it considered undignified to feed 
 at such places. It was drawing towards 
 twelve ; and Mytton and I, having done justice 
 (perhaps something more) to its good cheer, 
 were in brilliant spirits. He was relating one 
 of his best stories, and the walls rang with our 
 laughter, when, looking towards the door, my 
 eye fell upon two figures advancing in a sus- 
 picious way up the centre of the long coffee- 
 room. 
 
 There was no gas then ; but, through the 
 dim obscure, I knew the intruders as well as 
 if a Bude light was carried before them. The 
 foremost of the pair walked quickly onwards, 
 while behind crawled Maher, looking as if he 
 was going to the gallows. His leader, who 
 was muffled as from a journey, paused on 
 reaching my chair. For a moment he gazed 
 steadfastly at me, and, laying his hand vio- 
 lently on my shoulder, exclaimed — 
 
 ** Is it possible ! have I found you here !" 
 
A sportsman's life. 119 
 
 " You unceremonious old buffer !" shouted 
 my companion ; " paws off, or I'll try which 
 is stoutest, your head or the decanter." 
 
 " Mytton," said I, scarce able to bring the 
 words out, " for God's sake, hold ! — it is my 
 father !" 
 
 " And," continued the first speaker, " in 
 the midnight tavern -brawler, while yet the 
 corpse of a doating uncle is unburied — in the 
 fugitive from his college — in the debaucher 
 of his friend's child — that father finds a son I 
 It is horrible — most horrible !" 
 
CHAPTER YL 
 
 ARRIVALS AND REVIVALS. 
 
 A stroke of the filial and paternal — Ecce iterum^ the 
 dissipated waiter — A case of prejudice — " Gaping, wide 
 mouth, waddling frog" — A " slovenly, unhandsome corse" 
 — A calm after a storm — Another dead waiter — Inter- 
 changes of courtesy and such like — "Yes, memory has honey 
 cells" — Things retrospective — A jolly breakfast in the fa- 
 mily-way — The way of the w^orld — The philosophy of a 
 rout — A nice young man. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
" Moschus ! with whom once more I hope to sit, 
 And smile at folly — if we can't at wit ; 
 Yes, friend ! for thee I'll quit my cynic cell. 
 And hear Swift's motto — 'Vive la bagatelle.' " 
 
 Byron's Hints from Horace. 
 
 " He never went to bed 'till two in the morning, and was 
 
 every now and then hunted down by a constable, to signalize 
 
 his vivacity. 
 
 Spectator. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 123 
 
 CHAPTER YI. 
 
 There are few less likely means of insuring a 
 patient audience than opening the negociation 
 for it with a request that the party about to 
 be addressed will "hear reason." It may be 
 assumed as a foregone conclusion that he or 
 she will do nothing of the kind, and is the 
 commencement of that which purports to be a 
 peaceful treaty by an aggression. But my 
 experience of human nature, upon the occasion 
 of the dinner at the Bedford, with which the 
 last chapter closed, had not yet put forth its 
 earliest blossoms ; and, consequently, in an 
 affair that required delicate management, my 
 attempt was a signal failure. 
 
 Having handed my sire a chair, with dutiful 
 look and tone requesting he would be seated, 
 
 G 2 
 
1 24 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 and allow me to order him some refreshment, 
 I began by begging he wonld " listen to my 
 explanation calmly, and without prejudice." 
 This was the first blow, for I saw a blush 
 dawning around his temples, a sure sign a 
 storm was brewing. 
 
 Mytton, who was rather more sober than 
 was his habit at midnight, discovered how the 
 land lay as soon as I announced our visiter, 
 and, with his usual downright manner, went 
 at once into the pith of the business. Filling 
 and handing over to the new comer a bumper 
 of port, and draining one himself, he gave 
 utterance to his sentiments in a voice that 
 denoted there was nothing amiss with his 
 lungs. 
 
 " Come, sir, don't put yourself into a pas- 
 sion about nothing ; the whole is a mistake, I 
 assure you. The report of the death, and all 
 that sort of thing, was a hoax : make your 
 mind easy, the old gentleman at Cheltenham 
 is not at all dead." 
 
 This produced the climax : for a moment, 
 an expression full of strong emotion passed 
 
A sportsman's life. 125 
 
 over my father's countenance ; a tear fell, 
 evidently despite a strong effort to restrain 
 it, and, abruptly addressing Mytton, he re- 
 joined — 
 
 " Passion, sir ! what d'ye mean by a pas- 
 sion, sir ! — I was never less ruffled in my 
 life, though I didn't think it possible I could 
 even hear of such a piece of unexampled vil- 
 lany without being moved" (he trembled from 
 head to foot). " And so it's a hoax, is it ? I 
 suppose I'm indebted to you, sir, for the plot, 
 and to you," (it was my turn now) '* you unna- 
 tural reprobate, for enacting the chief cha- 
 racter. One gentleman promulgates a scurvy 
 jack-pudding joke, and the other dresses him- 
 self in full costume to support it. Capital 
 fun, isn't it, to masquerade for an uncle's 
 death ! rare sport ! none better, except putting 
 on real mourning for a father. I wish ye 
 both a particularly good night. I beg to con- 
 gratulate two young gentlemen, so diligently 
 going to the devil, upon their near approach 
 to the end of their journey." 
 
 At the bednninof of this oration Maher had 
 
126 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 sneaked off, and at its conclusion my proge- 
 nitor strode out of the room. I confess the 
 aspect of affairs was any thing but agreeable 
 to me ; nor did Mytton seem to regard the 
 prospect as a promising one. 
 
 " Old fellow," said he, " I think you had 
 better look sharp after the author of your 
 being, or he's likely to do himself a mischief. 
 I don't remember ever having seen a respect- 
 able elderly person in such a fury before : go 
 after him, and, if you find him bound towards 
 the river, hang on by the tails of his coat." 
 
 As I passed across Covent Garden, a figure 
 hastily retreating down King Street revealed 
 to me the object of my anxiety. I kept him 
 in sight, and, having housed him at Long's, 
 followed as soon as I thought time enough 
 had been allowed to ensure his being clear of 
 the hall. At the door of the ofBce (that 
 stood, and still stands, on the right hand of 
 the Bond Street entrance) John Long met me, 
 and, having telegraphed that the coast was 
 safe, I made the best of my way up, six stairs 
 at a stride, to my bedroom. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 127 
 
 Mention has been made, in a former chap- 
 ter, of a certain dissipated-looking waiter, 
 whose peculiar province it was to enact the 
 courteous to such guests as presented them- 
 selves when the little hours had set in. This 
 individual was one of those officials known at 
 hotels as " the night-gang," a class which, in 
 London, probably enjoys two hours of sleep 
 in each week, from May to August inclusive. 
 
 Now, among the peculiarities of my seed 
 and generation, one, and that by no means 
 the least emphatic, has been heretofore left 
 unnoticed. When I spoke of Dr. Johnson's 
 crotchets as excuses for the eccentricities of 
 Uncle Tom, I might also have pleaded their 
 privilege in favour of a nearer relative ; for it 
 must be declared that my father was by no 
 means without his weaknesses. Foremost 
 among the items that effectually capsized his 
 philosophy, was the sight of a fellow-creature 
 under the influence of that nervous affection 
 called " gaping." 
 
 This being the case, and the recently-de- 
 scribed scene at the Bedford had in account, 
 
] 28 HYDE MAHSTON ; OR, 
 
 it was not one of the most likely events in 
 the world to lead to a pleasing catastrophe, 
 that a night-waiter, who had probably not 
 been drawn through the sheets for the pre- 
 vious six weeks, should have waylaid him on 
 the second-floor landing. But such was the 
 fact : and, as I happened to be a spectator of 
 the result, it is my duty, as an honest his- 
 torian, faithfully to narrate it. 
 
 The attendant, as aforesaid, hearing some 
 one ascending to his chamber, had armed him- 
 self with a light, and the usual provocation to 
 iced punch. This light was a stalwart mould 
 of four to the pound, then first ignited, and 
 stuck into a flat candlestick. The inquiry as 
 to '* the gentleman's number " being replied 
 to, the fellow, holding the room door open 
 with one hand, and in the other the newly- 
 mounted mutton, was in the act of putting 
 his accustomed interrogatory, and had got as 
 far as " a charming bottle of punch in . . . . " 
 when, as poets say. Nature insisted upon her 
 prerogative. 
 
 In plain English, he opened his jaws like 
 
A sportsman's life. 129 
 
 the Bull and Mouth, and exploded with an 
 unnatural yawn — such as might be expected 
 from one who had supped upon an opium fac- 
 tory. Thus, for an instant, the pair stood 
 confronting each other, but for an instant only. 
 While yet the mouth was stretched from ear 
 to ear, my father yelled out — 
 
 " Ah ! ah ! what d'ye mean by that, ye 
 scoundrel ! — what d'ye mean by that ! — 
 d — me, are ye going to swallow me ?" — and I 
 saw the flaming candle thrust, blazing as it was, 
 into the wretch's throat, till the flat bottom 
 of the instrument that held it actually struck 
 against his nose and chin. 
 
 A terrible uproar ensued, during which the 
 party who had perpetrated the outrage quietly 
 locked his door, and shut out the din. All 
 the rabble of the house, the loose fish of the 
 coifee-room, and the tag-rag and bobtail of 
 the kitchens, rushed to the scene of action, 
 and seemed to give me credit for having put 
 the dissipated night- waiter to death. Some 
 lifted him on his legs ; some asked '^ what was 
 
 G 5 
 
130 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 the row ?" and others, '' what was to be done 
 with the body?" 
 
 Between the wine and excitement of the 
 Bedford, and the bedevilment raging around 
 me, I was losing my patience fast, and began 
 to feel as savage as a tiger. 
 
 " What 's to be done with the corpse ? " 
 whined out a " boots," upon whom gin and 
 four-and-twenty hours' work in the day had 
 left their marks — " what is to be done with 
 this here dead chap ?" 
 
 " Chalk him down to my account," said I, 
 lending the querist a refresher upon the part 
 where such reminiscences are found to be 
 most effective, and making good my retreat — 
 "charge him to my bill; and, if he leaves a 
 wife and children behind, charge liim twice'' 
 
 A calm proverbially succeeds a storm : thus 
 the morning that followed this turbulent night 
 brought with it reflection, not unmixed with 
 that manly self-reproach which is the best 
 moral specific. It was clear that something 
 beyond the common had occurred ; for, fruit- 
 ful as my father's character was in oddities. 
 
A sportsman's life. 131 
 
 they rarely drove him to the extravagant vio- 
 lence of which he had so recently been guilty. 
 In short, I began to feel very uncomfortable ; 
 a broken, feverish sleep had not improved my 
 nerves ; and it was a real relief Vv'hen Maher 
 made his appearance with the ordinary morn- 
 ing items, viz., hot water to comfort the outer, 
 and soda-water the inner, man. 
 
 A o'lance at his face — inflexible as were the 
 
 o 
 
 materials that composed it — served to con- 
 vince me that all was not well. As he drew 
 back the curtains of my windows, he began — 
 
 " The old gentleman, sir, has been awake 
 since daylight, ringing his bell as if the house 
 was a-fire, and blowing up most uncommon. 
 Ralph, the second ' boots,' told me he nearly 
 killed another waiter this morning wid a 
 crack of a pot full of biling coffee : it's as 
 much as the price of any man's life to open 
 his doore." 
 
 " Go instantly," said I, " with my dutiful 
 respects, and say I shall be with him as soon 
 as I'm dressed." 
 
 There was no declining the embassy ; so 
 
1 352 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 the Irishman went his way, but with little 
 of his customary alacrity. His feet seemed 
 glued to the floor ; and it was not till he per- 
 ceived that preparations were in an advanced 
 state for discharging a soda-water bottle at 
 his head that he set about his errand in earnest. 
 In a particularly short time he returned, and 
 thus announced the result : — 
 
 " Your father's honour, sir, bade me say he 
 is saved the trouble of desiring your honour's 
 honour to go to the devil — the Lord save us ! 
 — as you're more than three parts of the way 
 there already : he was sorry that, being in bed, 
 he was prevented bestowing a handsome kick- 
 ing on myself; but he was consoled by the 
 reflection that he should be able to pay it with 
 interest as soon as he had put on his boots." 
 
 This, certainly, was no promising begin- 
 ning ; but, like virtue, perseverance is its own 
 reward. A message, sent through a pretty, 
 black-eyed, Welsh chambermaid, accompanied 
 by a moiety of a pate de Perigord, mollified 
 him considerably ; and, finally, I was sent for 
 to take my morning's meal with him, " if, 
 
133 
 indeed, I could perpetrate a breakfast before 
 
 evening." 
 
 Years of sorrow and of suffering have passed 
 over the heart on which thy latest breath was 
 drawn, thou good, and kind, and honourable 
 old man ! The blights of life have fallen upon 
 it : the wintry winds of fortune have turned 
 to ice the stream that burst so free and spark- 
 ling from its fountain ; but the hour has never 
 been, never can be, when the memory of one 
 it loved so lono^ and so well shall not brinsf 
 peace and solace to that heart, worn and 
 broken as it is. 
 
 The sun — for a London sun in April— was 
 bestowing a very respectable ray upon the 
 chamber as I entered. The tenant, in a night- 
 cap secured to the temples by a scarlet baii- 
 deau, sat bolt upright in bed, with his pigtail 
 levelled over the left shoulder, in a most war- 
 like attitude : the traces of a storm were still 
 visible on his hale and ruddy features ; but 
 the savory pie was acting like oil upon the 
 waves, and fair weather had already set in. 
 Cordiality came with the progress of our in- 
 
134 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 terview, and the explanations that arose out 
 of it : these I will condense, for the conveni- 
 ence of giving them in form of a narrative. 
 
 The paragraph stating the death of Mr. 
 Thomas Longueville had caused a considerable 
 sensation at the Hall. My mother, who was 
 as much attached to her brother as she was 
 capable of being to anybody, exhibited strong 
 concern; while my father busied himself with 
 conjectures upon the means that had brought 
 about an end which he so little anticipated. 
 In this state things were during the morning 
 and noon of the day that had brought the 
 news. In the course of the evening a visiter 
 arrived, and upon sending in his name, and 
 stating that his business was urgent and of 
 importance, he was admitted. 
 
 It was Major G , who, with bursts of 
 
 passion and despair, announced that his eldest 
 daughter, Caroline, had eloped on the previous 
 night, and that there was strong reason for 
 believing she had been carried off by me ! A 
 pleasant party the three must have been, thus 
 brought together, all circumstances considered. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 135 
 
 My mother, perfectly convinced that I was the 
 aggressor, left home early on the succeedmg 
 morning, and had been in Bath and hysterics 
 ever since. Her better half set out for Ox- 
 ford, in search of his hopeful heir ; how he 
 found him has been told in the preceding 
 chapter. 
 
 What a jovial breakfast we had ! such dig- 
 ging for truffles ; such embowelling of the 
 Perigord ; and then the Alloa ale, to keep the 
 pie right ; and the eaii-de-me de Daiitzic, to 
 settle the malt. Who, that might have acci- 
 dentally seen us at that hour, could, by any 
 process of ratiocination, have arrived at the 
 true state of the case ? 
 
 Beneath the surface of this merriment there 
 lurked, in the breast of one of the actors, an 
 anxiety that his best efforts scarcely enabled 
 him to conceal. Absence had effaced none of 
 the traces of my earliest passion. When the 
 excitement and novelty of the scenes upon 
 which I was thrown had left a moment for 
 generous thought, in spirit I was again an in- 
 mate of the cottage of the Severn, lingering 
 
136 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 on the smiles, and spell-bound by the music 
 that fell from the gentle Charlotte's lips. Her 
 devoted attachment to her sister was too en- 
 dearing a trait to have escaped my observa- 
 tion ; and the conviction of it brought before 
 me, with every aggravation, the double agony 
 with which that sister's fatal step must have 
 overwhelmed her. 
 
 Thus I pondered, compelled to assume 
 cheerfulness, and accompany my father, dur- 
 ing the remainder of the day, to the various 
 places he desired to visit. As we strolled 
 through the park, a salutation was bestowed 
 upon us from an ancient chariot. It drew 
 
 up, and old Lady L , the widow of a 
 
 Shropshire baronet, condescended to do the 
 amiable upon a grand scale, finishing with a 
 token of her consideration, in shape of a card 
 for a rout, that night, at the house of *' a 
 particular friend." 
 
 This was Mrs. P , the daughter of one 
 
 of the wealthiest drysalters on Fish Street 
 Hill, who had married the son of a deceased 
 livery-stable keeper, also worth a round sum. 
 
A sportsman's life. 137 
 
 They had hired a splendid mansion in Port- 
 land Place, and some damaged ladies of qua- 
 lity, who acted as an Amazonian press-gang, 
 when their employers thought fit to emblazon 
 with a list of their guests the columns of the 
 " Morning Post." I pocketed the pasteboard, 
 and, the social hour having arrived, father and 
 son dined together in cordial fellowship, and 
 wound up the evening at Drury Lane, where 
 Kean, then in the ripeness of his genius, played 
 Richard. 
 
 The distinction between day and night is 
 the last item taken into the account of hotel 
 life, by the pleasure-seekers of a metropolis. 
 At Long's, no one ever thought of going to 
 bed, or of getting out of it : both were mat- 
 ters of compulsion. It was an hour after 
 midnight : my father had retired ; and half a 
 dozen of us were about to settle ourselves for 
 the rest of the day, when I recollected my 
 morning's engagement. We wanted supper, 
 and it held out every prospect of a good one; 
 so, inviting my companions to honour me with 
 their company in Portland Place, we departed 
 thither accordingly. 
 
138 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 The convenience of 2i parvenue's party was 
 manifest at a glance. There was ten times as 
 much meat and drink as there were guests ; 
 and, consequently, every appliance of physical 
 gratification, with plenty of room to enjoy it. 
 Without an attempt to ascend to the drawing- 
 rooms, or investigate the hostess or host, we 
 made the best of our way to the salle a 
 manger : and, having discovered an unoccu- 
 pied corner at a capitally-furnished table, pro- 
 ceeded to make ourselves comfortable. 
 
 We ate and drank like French falconers, 
 and still demanded more liquor. The foot- 
 men at length grew slack : our supplies were 
 exhausted ; things began to look serious, when 
 S— , always on the qtci vive, cried, 
 
 " It's all right, I've caught the butler ;" 
 and straightway he was in communication 
 with a portly personage in black. 
 
 '' He's a trump," said S , returning ; 
 
 " gone for lots of champagne, and here he 
 comes with it !" 
 
 " Place those bottles on the table," said a 
 voice that made me start, to the servant who 
 followed him. " And now, though not exactly 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 139 
 
 in the service of the host, gentlemen, Vmyoiir 
 very obedient servant, and propose helping 
 you ivitJi, as well as to, your wine." 
 
 A burst of laughter welcomed the speaker 
 to his chair; he seated himself; and at the 
 instant his eye caught mine riveted upon 
 him, the stout eccentric was on his legs 
 again like a harlequin. " Villain," said he, 
 looking towards me wdth fury, *' how" dare 
 you pollute society with your presence ? Be- 
 gone ! and know that I have frustrated your 
 projects : I have circumvented your plans ; 
 your mistress is now under my protection T 
 
 Everybody stared aghast ; while R , 
 
 measuring the speaker through his lorgnettes, 
 exclaimed, " What an exceedingly debauched 
 old man ! I protest I never in my existence 
 heard so disgusting an avowal." 
 
 Could it be possible ? Was it not a dream ? 
 Did I really hear such words from the lips of 
 uncle Tom ? 
 
CHAPTER VIL 
 
 LOVE, A PLAY. 
 
 "• Experientia docet" — trite but true— A bit of the no^ 
 
 velistic ; Caroline G 's affair — A literarj' lady: a blue 
 
 bottle— How to live at free quarters— Ways and means — 
 A passage of the real passion — Elopements translated into 
 the vulgar tongue — Love and license — ^Mien Passion come? 
 in, Principle flies out of the window- 
 
" Alas ! our young affections run to waste, 
 Or water but the desert ; whence arise 
 But weeds of dark luxuriance, tares of haste, 
 Rank at the core, though tempting to the eyes ; 
 Flowers, whose rank odours breathe but agonies, 
 And trees whose gums are poison : such the plants, 
 Which spring beneath her steps as Passion flies 
 O'er the world's wilderness, and vainly pants 
 For some celestial fruits forbidden to our wants." 
 
 Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, canto iv. st. 120. 
 
 " Oh love ! what is it in this world of ours 
 That makes it fatal to be loved ; ah, why 
 
 With cypress branches hast thou twined thy bowers. 
 And made thy best interpreter a sigh ?" 
 
 Byron. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 143 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 The philosophy which teaches meu to be 
 content with things as they find them is more 
 remarkable for good humour and bonhomie 
 than the soundness or expediency of its doc- 
 trine. It is true that, could we look upon 
 society at fifteen in the spirit wherewith we 
 regard it at five-and-thirty, life would lose 
 much of its poetry ; but it would gain more 
 than an equivalent in the store of practical 
 good which is the harvest of experience. 
 
 From the world only is a true and effective 
 knowledge of the world to be gathered. The 
 theories of books, and household counsellors, 
 may help us to the rudiments of a system 
 suited to the ordinary necessities of civiliza- 
 
144 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 tion ; but for its subtleties and manoeuvrings 
 human ingenuity has never devised a code of 
 conduct, nor ever will. 
 
 The majority of works written avowedly for 
 the purposes of worldly instruction supply 
 specifics for desperate cases, but leave the less 
 intrusive to be ministered to by the patient 
 himself. There lies the great mistake. For 
 one wreck caused by rocks that stand above 
 the ocean, a hundred stately vessels are lost 
 on shoals that lurk beneath its surface. We 
 shun the bold bad man ; even the bankrupt in 
 principle does this ; for it is the homage that 
 instinct pays to virtue : but in that antipathy 
 is there moral strength or security? Far 
 otherwise. A careful analysis of the natural 
 abhorrence of avowed vice supplies the true 
 bait of your fishers of men. These, adopting 
 Sheridan's description of courage, employ ma- 
 terials as polished as they are keen. 
 
 Fatal, indeed, is the error that limits to the 
 proclaimed haunts of extravagance and pro- 
 fligacy the ruin of the weak and unwary. 
 Were the victims of the common hells of St. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 145 
 
 James's compared with the broken in fame 
 and fortune — in heart and hope — of its sa- 
 loons, what a moral of price woukl be in the 
 contrast. 
 
 Strange as the abrupt declaration of Mr. 
 Thomas Longueville may seem, it was not the 
 less true to the letter, though by no means so 
 to the spirit in which it was interpreted. 
 While, therefore, we leave him to stomach 
 the meeting with his nephew with what diges- 
 tion he may, a brief allusion to an episode, as 
 yet unnoticed, will be necessary to lay the 
 foundation for an explanation. 
 
 I have already said that as soon as my Ox- 
 ford career commenced, so also did a taste for 
 the road begin ; and that during the first 
 autumn of residence my visits to town were 
 constant. On one of those occasions I at- 
 tended a morning concert given by some Ger- 
 man singers, who were the musical lions of 
 the day. Immediately before me sat a grace- 
 ful girl, in company with one of her own sex, 
 whose faded satin manteaii, and soiled ostrich 
 feathers, did duty for a toilette of style and 
 
 VOL. I. H 
 
1 46 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 pretension. As they rose to leave, I discovered 
 that the youngest of my fair neighbours was 
 
 Caroline G , and I need hardly add that 
 
 a most animated recognition followed. I saw 
 them home, and, in due course, was intro- 
 duced to the dame of the dingy suit and 
 plume. 
 
 Mrs. bore a name that I could not 
 
 hear without veneration. He from whom it 
 was derived was a meteor, whose career had 
 been as brief as it was brilliant. The lady's 
 fame, indeed, had slighter claims to admira- 
 tion; and I felt no small surprise at finding 
 the daughter of my fastidious friend entrusted 
 to her pilotage. I learnt, subsequently, that 
 
 Major G had, in early life, known ; 
 
 that, upon his death, he had rendered many 
 services to his wife (who, by her bereavement, 
 was left, for the time, wholly unprovided for), 
 and that, in fact, Caroline's present visit was 
 the pretext for continuing a liberal aid to one 
 whom the world seemed little disposed to 
 countenance or assist. 
 
 He who selects the materials of his story 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 147 
 
 from real life, and uses passing events to point 
 his moral, has no business with matter beyond 
 the facts out of which they rise. Life is a 
 drama, whose action and point may be suffi- 
 ciently understood without admitting the 
 audience behind the scenes. 
 
 It will be enough, then, in speaking of my» 
 acquaintance with this lady, simply to illus- 
 trate, by the examples she furnished, the po- 
 sition, that the blandishments of high talent 
 without principle, the decking lax manners in 
 the tinsel of ultra refinement, and the actual 
 fosterinof of vice in the cant about libera- 
 lity of opinion and scorn of prejudice, are 
 more destructive to morality than positive 
 profligacy, whose bane carries its antidote 
 with it. 
 
 Caroline G was too much the child of 
 
 impulse to have succeeded in hiding from her 
 wary friend the secret of her heart, even had 
 she made the attempt. But she thought of 
 no concealment. Her preference for me 
 (modesty prevents my using a more appro- 
 priate term) was as clearly expressed in 
 
 H 2 
 
1 48 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 manner as if she had employed all the em- 
 phasis of language to declare it. The moment 
 of its discovery — which was the first of her 
 seeing us together — the woman of the world 
 felt that there were within her reach materials 
 capable of being moulded into the slaves of 
 her will. 
 
 How the sorceress employed her magic it 
 boots not to tell ; peradventure the progress 
 of her spells might be traced through the 
 ledgers of full many of Folly's ministers in 
 May Fair and its environs. Ebers might say 
 — Bob Newman tell — and, could the walls of 
 the Star and Garter speak out — but let that 
 pass. 
 
 I cannot help thinking that he who despoils 
 life of its romance does the actors in it but 
 equivocal service. Were I not so persuaded, 
 I might reveal how the most distinguished 
 tragic actress that ever moistened kerchief 
 within Drury Lane and Covent Garden was 
 wont to sigh her love for the Montague from 
 a bosom all passion — rump steaks and onions ; 
 that the most sentimental of modern poets is 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 149 
 
 devoted to boiled tripe ; and the most ethe- 
 real of living Sapphos to hot rum and water 
 in the forenoon. But the narrative must not 
 stand still for any such digressions. Turn we 
 to our *' literary lady," imbibing, with a zest 
 for which the ideal has no image, potage a la 
 Julienne, and Moselle of unquestionable li- 
 neage, and poor Caroline, more poetic, but 
 far more " perilous stuff." 
 
 In the whole scope of zoology there is not a 
 creature of less perception than the male human 
 animal in its teens — being ^vell bred, and well 
 found withal. If to this natural dulness you 
 add the didcia oblivia, which a cunning 
 woman knows how to compound so artisti- 
 cally, it is fifty to one the patient is turned 
 inside out before he reaches his majority. 
 Suppose even the youth prone to thought (an 
 extravagant conception, still possible), where 
 is the time to set himself about it ? 
 
 Take, for instance, an evening and a morn- 
 ing; out of which construct a London day. 
 First, the dinner of your gens comme il faut : 
 what is there favourable to philosophy in 
 
150 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 that? Next, say the opera: do people re- 
 flect to the strains of Grisi and Persian! ? — 
 while Taglioni is floating like a spirit of air, 
 or Cerito bounding like a hunted chamois? 
 Supper follows — with its ices, fruits, liqueurs, 
 and sighs ; and from dreams, to which he is 
 lulled by the memories of passing sweet music, 
 rises the student of the world to Kensington 
 Gardens, in lieu of the groves of Academus ; 
 to the gentle tournament of glances in Routine 
 Row, instead of the rough exercises of the 
 
 gymnasium 
 
 Well, thus sped our lives at the epoch of 
 
 this episode : Mrs. writing metaphysics, 
 
 and faring sumptuously ; Caroline cultivating 
 love and light literature ; and Hyde Marston 
 paying the piper. Many a rouleau it would 
 have saved me, had I sent the matron, at the 
 time, to Satan half as earnestly as I have 
 since made that consignment. Nothing could 
 exceed the industry and tact with which she 
 promoted our intimacy. Her bearing was 
 lackered over with a dazzling polish ; smiling 
 — " ye gods ! how she would smile !" — and 
 
■ A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 151 
 
 pouring notes from her crow-quill as never 
 rained notes before. 
 
 Tell me not that Fancy is bred " or in the 
 heart or in the head :" her seat is consider- 
 ably lower. Was the gibier or the vintage of 
 the preceding evening more excellent than 
 
 common — lo ! there arrived from Street 
 
 a triangular billet, breathing Sabean odours, 
 such as the Nine never tasted, nor ever sang. 
 Your old-world swans were wont to warble 
 upon their sips of Castaly ; modern singing- 
 birds require fluids of more power and flavour. 
 
 During three or four months this pleasant 
 intercourse continued, with as brief interrup- 
 tion as the nature of my position permitted. 
 That it mainly contributed to the catastrophe 
 which occasioned my extempore retreat from 
 the University, will be imagined. The simile 
 of chaff before the wind conveys a lame idea 
 of the fashion in which a youth of spirit, 
 living on the road between Oxford and Lon- 
 don, with a home " at both ends," as the 
 coachmen say, gets rid of his capital. 
 Mine went at an uncommon pace, equalled 
 
152 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 only by the speed at which my name was 
 finding its way into day-books and ledgers. 
 
 Some short period before the crisis arrived, 
 a fact became manifest, which even my ultra- 
 heedlessness could not overlook. This was 
 
 the nature of Caroline G 's sentiments. 
 
 Had I been a frozen stock-fish, instead of a 
 young gentleman with a temperature by no 
 means at zero, I could not have blinked it. 
 Probably it was the more readily discovered 
 because it was, certainly, a thing I did not 
 desire. The first incense of my heart had 
 been offered to her sister ; and the subsequent 
 excitement and dissipation of my life had not 
 put to flight the vision of *' Love's young 
 dream." Furthermore, Caroline possessed a 
 jierte of character not at all to my taste. 
 Extremes rarely sympathize ; and I had too 
 strong a dash of the devil in myself to covet 
 it in a lady-love. 
 
 We parted : my thoughts, indeed, went 
 with her to the cottage of the Severn ; but 
 they rested there on one, to whom they had 
 loved to wander, however I seemed occupied 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 153 
 
 with other fancies and impressions. All of 
 pure feeling that a course of folly (why do I 
 not call it by its proper name, vice ?) had left 
 me, linked itself with the memory of Char- 
 lotte G . Love it was not ; for the spirit 
 
 was yet too volatile to receive a permanent 
 impression ; though the heart glowed with 
 tenderness and admiration. I had reason, too, 
 for believing she regarded me with partiality : 
 there were the Unas thrown into my boat when 
 last I visited the cottage ; and could I be mis- 
 taken as to their meaning ? 
 
 Thus I mused during the few moments 
 given to reflection, as thoughts of home, calm 
 scenes, and gentle companions, strove, though 
 vainly, with the boisterous presences among 
 which I lived. 
 
 The abrupt suspension of this career has 
 been told. Bad as the reality was, however, 
 it bore no comparison to the version which re- 
 port contrived to give to it. Twenty years 
 ago there were no railways to enable people 
 to hear and see for themselves at half a dozen 
 places at once. Excellent as travelling was, 
 
 H 5 
 
154 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 do the best you might, Oxon and Salop were 
 a day's journey apart ; and the variations 
 that may be played upon a story in twenty- 
 four hours require no great exercise of imagi- 
 nation to conceive. Besides its ordinary coad- 
 jutors, too, in this instance rumour had many 
 auxiliaries. The sudden disappearance of my 
 father and mother from the hall had a disas- 
 trous look; and the manner of the former 
 previous to his departure was calculated to do 
 me any thing but service. 
 
 The news that Uncle Tom had shuffled off 
 his mortal coil, made a greater sensation 
 
 around B than did the French revolution 
 
 or the earthquake at the Caraccas. By some 
 it was asserted that he had made away with 
 himself; while some whispered that another 
 hand had helped him on his ghostly journey, 
 with allusions, in w^hich his nephew's name 
 was broadly hinted at. Then my own affair 
 came out in a variorum edition. According 
 to some, I had made free with my landlord's 
 spoons; and others protested there was the 
 blood of at least one proctor on my head. 
 
A sportsman's life. 155 
 
 All men agreed that murder, suicide, and 
 robbery, had been done ; of which I was the 
 hero, in some way or other. In the midst of 
 all this came the coup de theatre — the an- 
 nouncement that one of Major G — 's daughters 
 had run off; the elopement being laid at my 
 door. 
 
 One incident, at least, in the tragedy, had 
 not been exaggerated. Let a hurried and 
 brief allusion to it be understood as evidence 
 of the bitter regret with which it is made, 
 and not as proof that the event has faded, or 
 ever might fade, from my memory. 
 
 The announcement of Mr. Longueville's 
 death, with which I appeared to be involved in 
 some mysterious way, called into instant and 
 irresistible existence a passion that waited 
 but for the spark that should transform it 
 
 into a devouring^ flame. Caroline G was 
 
 not born with the spirit that teaches to love 
 wisely. With her, to love was to endow the 
 being selected with " all her worldly goods " 
 — with all the energies — affections — hopes — 
 of this life and eternity. I was in peril from 
 
156 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 some cause : she might aid me — the possibi- 
 lity was enough. 
 
 On leaving her father's roof, she hastened to 
 Cheltenham. There her anxieties were re- 
 lieved ; but the reaction was full of evil con- 
 sequences. The presence of the revivified 
 uncle was death to the nephew. Uncle Tom 
 was a gentleman of more than modern pro- 
 priety ; had he lived centuries back, they had 
 gained for him the title of preiLv chevalier. 
 The maiden wrote him the secret of her heart : 
 and, therefore, he jumped to the conclusion 
 that his sister's son was a specimen of passing 
 profligacy. Perhaps there had been better 
 wisdom in arriving by more ordinary logic at 
 a deduction ; but the world, for the most part, 
 adopts a similar process. He departed for 
 town, having arranged for the object of his 
 concern a present security, as he deemed it. 
 
 The dust which his chariot disturbed had 
 scarce time to settle ere it was again whirled 
 to the air by the eager wheels that followed. 
 On the morning that succeeded the supper 
 in Portland Place, a note was delivered at 
 
A sportsman's life. 1 5 7 
 
 Long's, such as but too often has passed the 
 portal of that epitome of London life. The 
 fatal facility which the connexion already de- 
 scribed afforded, suggested a home to the fu- 
 gitive. Caroline at once placed herself under 
 the protection of the friend Avhose guest she 
 was in the autumn. We met. Is the tale of 
 passion ever told, save with one consequence, 
 when love speaks, and youth listens ? 
 
 Li the present instance, at all events, it 
 was not destined to any deviation from the 
 general rule. With words of burning force 
 she ran over the short but passionate history 
 of the past. Alas ! for the eloquence in which 
 eyes and spirit plead to their too faithful in- 
 terpreter — the heart. The song that betrayed 
 to me the secret of a passion I had attributed 
 to another, she had written : a thousand inci- 
 dents of the preceding autumn, wliich at the 
 time seemed trifles, if observed at all, were 
 placed before me in their true character, and 
 I marvelled that their meaning had ever 
 escaped me. Why was the speaker so fair? 
 and her language an oratory so omnipotent ? 
 
158 HYDEMARSTON. 
 
 Could words be palpable ? — could syllables 
 live, that I felt their pressure upon cheek and 
 lip? 
 
 " Caroline, Caroline," said I, rising, and 
 taking her trembling hand in mine, " talk not 
 to me thus, and, for mercy's sake, look not 
 so ; there is ruin — irretrievable ruin in it for 
 us both. Let us part now, while we can ; 
 in honour, at least : another moment such as 
 this, and our destinies are beyond our control. 
 I have not the power to leave this place ; for 
 Heaven's pity, leave me /" 
 
 While I spoke she also had risen : her 
 glance was fearful : for an instant she strug- 
 gled with an emotion that turned brow and 
 cheek to fire, then left them cold and white 
 as marble ; and, rushing forward, and dashing 
 herself upon my breast, in words, that seemed 
 convulsions, she gasped : — 
 
 " Never — never — I will never leave you ; 
 my destiny is fixed ! — here I live, or here 
 I die !" 
 
CHAPTER VIIL 
 
 MORE COLLEGE LIFE. 
 
 Parliamentary bills ordered to lie on the table — A sympo- 
 sium — Cousins of York, not of Buckingham — Gymnastics 
 of the Isis — Courses of the Corn-market, not Newmarket — 
 A new verse of the groves of Blarney — A fighting-cock — 
 Bantam — ^lannikm of the truly noble- 
 
"Come, spur away; 
 I have no patience for a longer stay, 
 But must go down, 
 
 And leave the chargeable noise of this great town. 
 I will the country see, 
 Where old simplicity. 
 Though hid in grey, 
 Doth look more gay 
 I'han foppery in plush and scarlet clad. 
 Farewell, you city wits, that are 
 Almost at civil war ; 
 'Tis time that I grow wise, when all the world grows mad.'^ 
 
 Randolph. 
 
 " While I play the good husband at home, my son and 
 
 servants spend all at the university." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 161 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 The eve of a brilliant spring day, in the 
 last week of April, restored me again to my 
 rooms in Oxford, and the followino- mornins: 
 I found Maber up to the elbows in a vast 
 chaos of pasteboard and miscellaneous paper ; 
 in short, sorting my cards, notes of invitation, 
 whose dates had long expired, and remini- 
 scences of other notes, in a similar dilemma. 
 Having paid off as many of these latter as 
 the state of the supplies authorized, and put 
 off others with promises to pay, it became 
 necessary to discharge a few of the still more 
 absolute obligations, and an immediate wine 
 party was resolved upon. 
 
 To this intent all my old friends (boon- 
 
162 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 companions, who never had the impertinence 
 to ask whether my abrupt disappearance from 
 the University was the eifect of a natural or 
 artificial death) were laid under embargo for 
 an early night, together with some fresh-men, 
 who entered during my absence, and had 
 brought letters of introduction to me. 
 
 Of these, two were brothers, Launcelot and 
 Panton Ridsdale, cousins on my mother's 
 side, some three or four degrees removed, and 
 sons of a Yorkshire gentleman of easy for- 
 tune. I had never before met them, nor, in- 
 deed, were our families on visiting terms, 
 probably because some hundred and fifty miles 
 between their respective abodes were adverse 
 to intimacy. The eldest I had frequently 
 heard of as a rickety boy, reared with as 
 much art and care as the most tender hot- 
 house exotic; a description which by no means 
 prepared me for the style of person I found 
 him. The youngest was represented as an in- 
 dolent, dull lad, of lax morals, and, conse- 
 quently, intended for the church. 
 
 We will not stay to examine what claims 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 163 
 
 to truth the report possesses which assigns to 
 Oxford a great decrease of late years in its 
 contributions to the excise. The change, if 
 it has been effected, is one of the most no- 
 table moral revolutions of these times of mu- 
 tability. In my day, the simple act of putting 
 on the academic suit assured an assumption 
 of its other habits also. I could not take it 
 on my conscience to say, in my experience, 
 I had knowledge of a member of the Univer- 
 sity (the provosts and heads of colleges of 
 course excepted, who upon all ordinary occa- 
 sions confined themselves to toast and water, 
 and only on galas went the length of le- 
 monade) that did not as a practice daily 
 consume as much strong drink as would have 
 overloaded tenfold his own bulk of the best 
 sponge. 
 
 Probably art will never increase the facili- 
 ties for slakinof drouo^ht which were familiar 
 to mankind a quarter of a century ago. The 
 night that re-opened my rooms at the per- 
 fumer's might be quoted as a favourable 
 sample of a " dewy eve" of that period. The 
 
164 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 company consisted of about a dozen : the 
 drinkables could scarcely have been numbered 
 without the assistance of logarithms. You 
 might have made some shrewd hits on cha- 
 racter, by observing the fashion of each 
 drinker's consumption. The superfine men 
 confined themselves to hock negus and cura^oa 
 grog. The correct drank bishop. Burgundy 
 punch, iced claret, hollands, and Kirchen Was- 
 ser; the less particular dabbled in indige- 
 nous gin, hot, with sugar, cognac similarly 
 compounded, London stout, Burton ale, clay 
 pipes, and tobacco in all grades, from Oro- 
 nooko to negro-head. 
 
 As the Ridsdales had come to Oxford with 
 but a slight introduction, and only a few days 
 previously, this was their debut, and it was 
 not a favourable one. Launcelot, who was 
 an athletic young man, appeared to be a bluif 
 northern sportsman, with a full share of his 
 country's keenness ; but, withal, deficient in 
 that peculiar refinement which redeems the 
 intercourse of college society, however coarse- 
 ness may preponderate in its pursuits. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 165 
 
 His manner was confident and assuming : 
 ever on the watch for such fortuitous occa- 
 sions as afforded an opportunity for aggres- 
 sion, he would push the advantage afforded 
 him beyond the limits of good nature and 
 good taste. Unlike its usual effects, however, 
 opposition did not seem to rouse or irritate 
 him : left to himself, he would proceed, from 
 disagreeable allusions, to the verge of offence ; 
 but, if interfered with, he would compromise, 
 or abandon the controversy. A commanding 
 person and stem bearing gave great force to 
 the expression of a strong mind, and a voca- 
 bulary by no means stinted in materials for 
 argument or reply ; and yet it was strange to 
 see how easily and effectually an animated re- 
 joinder or remark succeeded in putting him 
 to silence. I could not avoid being struck 
 with this ; others also observed it, and some 
 turned it to no very social account : it was 
 clear that he had not made a favourable im- 
 pression. 
 
 Panton Ridsdale had nothing in common 
 with his brother. He was without a shade of 
 
166 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 offence in his character, and, indeed, pretty 
 much without any thing else. No Mussul- 
 man ever cultivated ease with more relish. 
 His ideas of liquids were evidently good ; but 
 he would not put himself to trouble in carry- 
 ing them out. Whatever was within reach of 
 his arm, and that which was to be had by the 
 least extension of it, he invariably ingulfed : 
 champagne followed stout; eaii-de-vie de 
 Dantzic succeeded Hodgson's pale ale ; and 
 whisky toddy acted as ai'ant courier for 
 Chablis or Moselle, as accident made each 
 most easily available. 
 
 " A pair of characters, those Yorkshire- 
 cured relatives of yours," said Hervey, who 
 was the last to retire, as his custom was : "a 
 brace of very odd fish ; but the smallest is the 
 best flavoured ; the first-born is far from the 
 style of person one would make a point of 
 being introduced to." 
 
 I was entirely of the same way of thinking, 
 but held my peace, for the sake of kith and 
 kin. 
 
 At the period of which I write, gymnastics 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. J 67 
 
 did not form regular items in a course of po- 
 lite education; but they were not the less 
 generally and energetically cultivated for all 
 that. For want of those established arenas 
 which the wisdom of Greece and Rome pro- 
 vided for the use of such citizens as desired 
 to exercise themselves in personal trials of 
 strength and courage, there was, in almost 
 every town and village in England, some spot 
 conventionally set aside for passages at arms. 
 The corn-market in Oxford was the pecu- 
 liar place of fisty-cufFs for that city ; where 
 " gown," " town," and clown were wont to 
 meet, and study phrenology after a fashion of 
 their own ; in so far resembling the modern 
 science, that bumps on the head at all events 
 helped them to their conclusions. Not many 
 nights in the week passed in which these phi- 
 losophers did not indulge in their experi- 
 ments ; the space in front of the Star being 
 to Alma Mater what Flanders used to be to 
 the rest of Europe. If a man was discovered 
 sauntering there after sunset, it was under- 
 stood as a quiet announcement that his blood 
 
168 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 was a little slow of circulation — in short, that 
 he was a customer for a row. 
 
 About a week after the party already de- 
 scribed, I was on my way home from a dinner 
 at Witney, by the light of a moon, such as 
 Douglas compared to his shield ; and, as I 
 passed the top of the High Street in the direc- 
 tion of the debatesh\e ground, a clear treble, 
 with the whole strength of the proprietor's 
 lungs, was pouring forth the rollicking air of 
 the " Groves of Blarney." The verse that the 
 singer was executing at the moment was 
 somethinof to the following effect : — 
 
 " Eadin' and writin' 
 We do delight in ; 
 All soorts of fightin', 
 
 They are our joys : 
 For drinkin', atin', 
 And proctor batin', 
 We bang the state, in 
 
 Regard of boys." 
 
 The identity of the minstrel was as unequi- 
 vocal to me as his status to such of the public 
 as might chance to fall in his way. It was 
 Mailer, and Maher was drunk, or *' glorious," 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 169 
 
 as that condition of ebriety is politely termed, 
 wherein the patient considers himself a better 
 man than Alexander the Third of Macedon, 
 and is prepared to do to death any one dis- 
 posed to gainsay it. 
 
 As there was probability of some adventure 
 speedily occurring to a knight-errant that 
 chose the corn-market wherein to throw down 
 his gauntlet, Hervey, who was my companion, 
 persuaded me (without exercising, indeed, any 
 extraordinary importunity) to wait, and see 
 what might come of it. 
 
 The light of the full moon was streaming 
 on the gladiatorial arena, which the Irish 
 champion was patrolling in every variety of 
 mathematical line, except the straight ; so 
 that if any passenger happened to be pursuing 
 a right line in the direction that he seemed to 
 be taking, a collision was not only possible, 
 but probable. 
 
 It took a very short time to work out the 
 problem. From the Star gateway a figure 
 issued, enveloped in an ample great-coat — a 
 devil of a strapping fellow, big enough to 
 
 VOL. I. I 
 
170 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 have slain and eaten the little bully. At all 
 events, as the man of might crossed the 
 street, the man of mettle ran into him, appa- 
 rently on purpose. This brought them both 
 up, '* all standing," as the naval phrase is ; 
 and, as they stood eyeing each other, the me- 
 lodist again broke forth : — 
 
 " Readin' and writin' 
 
 We do delight in ; 
 
 All soorts of fightin' :"— 
 
 " Silence !" shouted the man in the great- 
 coat, in a voice trembling with rage, deep and 
 hoarse, as if it came out of the mouth of a 
 coal-pit ; '* cease your noise, ye drunken Irish 
 blackguard, or I'll help ye to sing with the 
 other side of your mouth." 
 
 " It would be a pity to rob you entirely, 
 my poor fellow," replied the tenor ; "for the 
 devil a much music ye have to spare. No 
 doubt as it is your servant often thinks his 
 master's calling when the donkeys is praying 
 for a shower." 
 
 " Do you know who you're talking to, you 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 171 
 
 ruffian?" cried the first speaker, striding up 
 to his adversary, and confronting him as Gul- 
 liver did the Emperor of Lilliput. 
 
 "It isn't a/owr-footed ass that's in it, any 
 how," said the Irishman, looking up, as if he 
 were reading the address on a finger-post, 
 while the crown of his hat was on a level with 
 the pit of the gownsman's stomach ; " though 
 may be I wouldn't be sure of that, only for 
 the light of the parish lantern." 
 
 " You infernal, saucy little rascal !" ex- 
 claimed the member of the University ; " I'll 
 teach you how to insult a gentleman ;" and 
 he lent my master of the horse a box on the 
 ear, that swept him off his legs, as one clears 
 the table of a spider with the dash of a pocket 
 handkerchief. 
 
 The conversation and its consequence took 
 not a tenth of the space in the action that 
 the narration has occupied. I had just time 
 enough to imagine that the voice of the 
 second speaker was not unknown to me, 
 when the catastrophe ensued, and my un- 
 
 I 2 
 
172 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 lucky serving-man measured his length on his 
 native element. 
 
 " By Jove ! he'll be put to death, Hervey," 
 said I, " unless we cover his retreat. I 
 shouldn't mind his getting a good thrashing, 
 as it might help to sober him ; but, if he's 
 killed, there will be a coroner's inquest " 
 
 Thus far my speech had proceeded, when 
 Maher leaped on his legs, and, giving himself 
 a shake, flew at his assailant like a game- 
 cock, or any animal more pugnacious, if such 
 there be. 
 
 By this time the adjacent courts and public - 
 houses were pouring their tribute of disor- 
 derlies into the scene of action, wherein such 
 a brace of combatants appeared as, probably, 
 were never pitted since the encounter between 
 David and Goliah of Gath. Some were shout- 
 ing for a ring, and others cheering on the 
 mannikin, who was peppering away at the 
 giant with prodigious energy. As Hervey 
 and I approached the place of conflict, Maher 
 succeeded in planting a blow, like the kick of 
 
A SPORTSMAN S LIFE. 173 
 
 a horse, in that part of his antagonist's person 
 which is genteelly distinguished, in pugilistic 
 phrase, as " the victualling department." As 
 a specimen of the vis vivida, it was a phe- 
 nomenon, and prostrated the receiver more 
 speedily and effectually than a ball through 
 the pericardium, from one of Joe Manton's 
 ** French-scratch barrels," at twelve paces. 
 
 A fight is far too popular a thing to be 
 permitted to terminate abruptly ; and you 
 find that, as long as a couple of their fellow- 
 sinners can stand up and belabour one ano- 
 ther, the mob is officiously polite in assisting 
 them to their legs, whenever the chances of 
 war have reduced either to the horizontal. 
 The moment, therefore, that the patrician 
 kissed the earth, fifty volunteers rushed to 
 pick him up, and as many more to clap the 
 plebeian upon the back, and whisper advice 
 for " licking the big un." 
 
 But both parties had their trouble for their 
 pains. No sooner was the fallen again placed 
 upright, than, turning his back on the little 
 bantam, who was " coming up" in a highly 
 
174 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 scientific attitude, he went off at speed, in 
 the direction of the High Street, with the 
 rabble in full chorus at his heels. Fear had 
 given wings to his flight; and he was soon 
 clear of the mob : but, — " ! world of slip- 
 pery turns !" a guardian of the night, who 
 was walking his beat, as usual, in his sleep, 
 stood in the course of the fugitive, and the 
 pair dropped, after the manner of clown and 
 pantaloon in the pantomime. 
 
 A qualm of humanity prompted Hervey and 
 I to go to the poor hunted wretch's assist- 
 ance ; for though his miserable poltroonery 
 shocked, its very extremity excited our pity. 
 We lifted him up, more dead than alive, and 
 placed his back against the door of a house, 
 for he was in a state of insensibility. It was 
 Launcelot Ridsdale ! He was as quick in 
 recognising me ; and a flush of agony crossed 
 his face at the discovery. 
 
 " I hope your fall has not seriously hurt 
 you," said I : " we were turning the corner 
 as you ran into this watchman of little vigi- 
 lance ." But he saw through the ruse ; 
 
A sportsman's life. 175 
 
 and the instinct of manhood, for the moment, 
 conquered constitutional dastardy. 
 
 " You saw it all, both of you," said he, 
 with bitter fierceness : " I know it ; — and you, 
 Mr. Marston, set on your creature to make 
 me a scorn and a by-word — remember that! 
 I give you no thanks for your insolent cour- 
 tesy. You have done me deadly wrong — 
 remember that /" and he passed from us, in 
 the direction of Christchurch. 
 
 With the tray of potted meats and fish 
 that, in those days, used to go to a quiet 
 University supper, the gladiator of my house- 
 hold appeared. The spirit of his intoxication 
 had evaporated, and left behind it that owlish 
 counterfeit of gravity which is the most soul- 
 moving of all the phases of drunkenness. 
 
 " And so, you rascal," I began, as he en- 
 tered, " you have been drunk, and fighting 
 with one of your master's relations. Don't 
 dare to add a lie to your offence — I was pre- 
 sent, and saw him, very properly, knock you 
 down; and " 
 
 " Never say a word more about it, sir," 
 
176 HYDE MARSTON. 
 
 he replied, with a most diabolical attempt at 
 a gracious smile, and a hiccup that convulsed 
 his ventricle like an earthquake. " I beg 
 you'll not name it ; — I've no animosity to the 
 gentleman — not a taste in the world ; and, 
 by the same token, he did not hurt me at all 
 at all — devil a hurt. It's the bether of it I 
 am ; it is, by J ! I mane, that's a fact." 
 
 " Leave the room, you drunken brute," I 
 exclaimed, my patience utterly upset by his 
 coolness, " and to-morrow, when you've slept 
 off the fumes of your debauch, I'll find a 
 method to bring you to your senses. Get 
 out of the room instantly !" 
 
 " See that, now," he muttered, obeying the 
 order at a pace that a lively snail would have 
 been ashamed of; "see that! — I've said I 
 bare no malice; and that doesn't seem to 
 plaze." Then, after musing for a minute, 
 he continued, lingering at the half-opened 
 door : " Sure, sir, I'll shake hands with him 
 in the morning ; and, barring he's a Turk, 
 that must settle it. But there's no continting 
 some people — there's not, by ! ifs a fact '^ 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE SERIO AND BUFFO OF METAPHYSICS. 
 
 The mysteries of life and death — The gay and the grave 
 — Do " coming events cast their shadows before ?" — To 
 die, to sleep — An episode about colour — The fortunes of a 
 nigger — English slavery— "Am I not your broder ?" — 
 Not a bit of it — " Hue makes the man, and want of it, the 
 fellow." 
 
 i5 
 
' When the proud steed shall know why man restrains 
 His fiery course, or drives him o'er the plains ; 
 When the dull ox, why now he breaks the clod, 
 Xow wears a garland, an Egyptian god ; 
 Then shall man's pride and dullness comprehend 
 His action's, passion's, being's use and end." 
 
 Essay on Man, Epist. i. 
 
 " Why will you vainly struggle with your fate ?" 
 
 Dryden. 
 
 " To laugh were want of goodness and of grace, 
 And to be grave exceeds all power of face." 
 
 Pope. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 1 79 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 As these gleanings of memory do not pre- 
 tend to the dignity of a regular composition, 
 I might, perhaps, have permitted the intro- 
 duction of an actor, in no way connected 
 with the development of my story, to have 
 passed without observation. But as many so 
 situated will 
 
 " fret their hour upon the stage, 
 
 And then be seen no more," 
 
 it may be convenient to explain the purpose 
 I would serve by bringing them upon the 
 scene. 
 
 The prevailing design, with the majority of 
 modern writers of fiction, appears to be the 
 
1 80 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 inculcation of the doctrine that metaphysics 
 are as capable of demonstration as any ma- 
 thematical proposition. The intention is, no 
 doubt, a well-meaning one ; but the theory 
 is as false as mischievous. The eternal laws 
 by which the economy of life is governed are 
 in mercy hidden from us. Blind as we are, 
 the excellence of such a providence must be 
 evident. Endurance of the condition of mor- 
 tality would be wholly inconsistent with the 
 property of omniscience : who could tolerate 
 existence were the future written on the page 
 that records the past ? It was Infinite Grace 
 that sent us into the world with understand- 
 ings limited and finite : ungratefully do they 
 acknowledge the blessing who seek to analyze 
 the eternal system by means of that reason 
 whose views extend not beyond the expe- 
 rience of the hour that engages them. 
 
 It is not to question the providence, or the 
 love of the Eternal, that, in the course of this 
 narrative, instances will be adduced whose 
 issues shall seem opposed to moral justice. 
 My aim is to reconcile to their dispensations 
 
A sportsman's life. 181 
 
 those who suffer, by showing that such conse- 
 quences are common to the disposition of 
 human life, however philosophy may fail to 
 discover or account for their design. 
 
 As Hervey and I made our way homewards 
 from the scene of the combat related in the 
 last chapter, his manner lost all the gay and 
 playful spirit that distinguished it in the pre- 
 vious part of the day. Our route led by the 
 High Street, gorgeous and teeming with its 
 stores of priceless architecture. As Scott has 
 suns: of Melrose, he who would see Oxford as 
 best it may be seen, should " visit it by the 
 pale moonlight." In this guise it was then 
 exhibited to us. Upon Hervey the effect was 
 evidently a painful one. He was naturally of 
 a sanguine temperament ; full of gentle and 
 loving sympathies, and scrupulous of honour 
 as a knight of the olden chivalry. The solemn 
 grandeur into which we had passed from a 
 vile and pestilent crowd was a contrast too 
 powerful for his keen sensibility. 
 
 As we slowly wended forward, he was 
 wrapped in deep thought ; and it was not till 
 
182 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 some time after we were seated at the supper 
 already spoken of, that conversation and good 
 cheer worked their common effects upon him. 
 Even then the bias of his mind broke out, 
 apparently forced into words, rather than 
 spoken with deliberate will. 
 
 " Marston," (I give the substance of several 
 observations made during the time he re- 
 mained with me) " is not the doctrine of free 
 agency a palpable fallacy, seeing that the in- 
 struments wherewith to execute our purposes 
 are so frequently withheld from us ? I can- 
 not but feel deeply for that unhappy young 
 man, whose sad humiliation we have just wit- 
 nessed. Sent into this life, morally or phy- 
 sically, ' but half made up,' is it just, is it 
 consistent, that we suffer for the want of such 
 properties as it seemed good to the Eternal to 
 deny us ? God forgive me if I sin in arguing 
 thus, and forefend that any accident should 
 lead me into a strait too perplexing for the 
 strength of soul or body wherewith it has 
 pleased Him to endow me !" 
 
 If, in this latter passage, that prophetic 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 183 
 
 sympathy, wherewith I believe all natures to 
 be endowed in the proportion to their sen- 
 sibilities, gave utterance to its mystic in- 
 fluences, never were coming events more 
 fitly heralded by the shadows that foretold 
 them. 
 
 Some three years after we had left Oxford, 
 Hervey accompanied me to a race-meeting in 
 the north of England. The favourite for the 
 great event belonged to an old and intimate 
 friend of his, one of the most noted men of 
 the day for reckless eccentricities. His wife 
 was as much distinguished for her beauty and 
 meekness ; and, while the preliminaries of the 
 race were being adjusted, Hervey stood at her 
 side in the Stand. The favourite lost ; and 
 shortly afterwards the disappointed owner 
 appeared. 
 
 " Put on your shawl ; the carriage is in 
 waiting ; I'm going home instantly," said he 
 to his gentle partner, who instinctively shrank 
 from the fiercely sullen expression of her hus- 
 band's look. 
 
 The tone in which this was spoken drew 
 
184 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 my attention (although I occupied a remote 
 corner of the building) ; turning to learn the 
 cause, I saw Hervey approach them. I felt 
 that there was mischief at hand, and forced 
 my way forward as quickly as the crowd per- 
 mitted. 
 
 " Come, come, old fellow;" he expostulated, 
 " because you've lost your own anticipated 
 
 pleasure, don't deprive Mrs. of hers : let 
 
 the carriage wait till the racing is over; 
 your people are pretty well practised to such 
 things." 
 
 At this instant, he whom he addressed 
 seized his wife violently with his left hand, 
 and, as he led her away, struck the speaker 
 with the other a blow that all but brought 
 him to the ground. So monstrous an aggres- 
 sion paralysed the by-standers, and, before 
 surprise and indignation found words, I re- 
 moved Hervey from the spot. 
 
 We entered our hotel, and ascended to his 
 chamber without exchanging a word. He 
 bolted the door as we entered, and then threw 
 himself upon the bed ; but still he did not 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 185 
 
 speak, and I knew not how to break so omi- 
 nous a silence. At length he asked — 
 
 '' Has he left the print of his hand upon 
 my face ?" 
 
 " You are unmarked," said I ; " but that 
 in no way affects this most unhappy chance ; 
 it would be absurd to pretend ignorance of 
 the only alternative that remains to you, or 
 of that which I am so well aware you will 
 adopt. Upon me rely in all things ; you have 
 but to name your wish, and it is done." 
 
 " Long and well as I, have known him," he 
 continued, rather soliloquizing than address- 
 ing me ; " treacherous, infirm, as I have 
 proved his temper, I never believed that 
 baseness or cowardice belonged to it. But 
 to use me like a hound, to buffet me in a 
 presence which he knew was a shield to him, 
 cheap as he might hold my personal prowess, 
 was it not horrible, unnatural, unmanly ? I 
 have need of counsel. I will ask it of my 
 own heart." 
 
 After a short pause he continued, ** My 
 
186 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 friend, leave me for a while ; dine, and come 
 to me at seven. Fortunately, my pistols are 
 here ; adieu ! Whatever may be the resolu- 
 tion upon which I act, it will be the best that 
 my powers of mind enable me to arrive at : if 
 weak or erring, surely we shall ?wt suffer for 
 want of such properties as Eternal Justice has 
 seen fit to deny us.''^ 
 
 I went to him, pressed his hand, and pro- 
 mised as he requested. His manner was calm, 
 full of courteous benevolence, and without 
 token of excitement, the only trace of which 
 was the more than usual brilliance of eye 
 with which he watched my departure. 
 
 The time that intervened I passed alone, 
 as much from unfitness for society, as to 
 avoid the questions with which I should 
 have been assailed. The first stroke of seven 
 brought me to his door ; an undefinable anti- 
 cipation of evil was on me as I opened it. 
 Too true was the foreboding ! There, where 
 so lately I had parted from him in the golden 
 noon of life and promise, lay he, whom I 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 187 
 
 sought, stark and stiff; the instrument of 
 death still clutched in the hand wherewith 
 the mortal had put on immortality. 
 
 A noble spirit was his of whom this over- 
 true tale is told. Surely, if ever human 
 frailty moved the recording angel, we may 
 hope that, as he wrote it down, he " dropp'd 
 a tear, and blotted it out for ever." 
 
 Among those, with whom I have been on 
 terms of intimacy, w^hose lives were cast in 
 the most eccentric orbits, singularly marked 
 by the grave and grotesque, was the early 
 career of a young Lancastrian. As he still 
 lives, I refrain from naming him ; indeed, I 
 give this sketch of his history chiefly upon 
 the principle that troops are marched from 
 the funeral of a comrade to the air of a jig or 
 strathpsey. 
 
 Robert, or, as he was better known. 
 
 Bob , was the son of a person who, 
 
 being stationed at one of our West Indian 
 islands, in a mercantile capacity, married a 
 native woman, by whom he acquired a con- 
 siderable fortune. On returning to England, 
 
188 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 he settled in a flourishing commercial town of 
 the north, where he presently died, leaving a 
 " dismal" widow" behind him, and some dozen 
 pledges of affection, coloured alternately like 
 the keys of a piano. The eldest, a son, a 
 frank, natural, kind-spirited fellow, was of 
 Christian dye: Bob, in his boyhood, ^a^ and 
 in his maturity sharp, had a countenance " in 
 a concatenation accordingly." His feet were 
 large and flat, and so w^as his nose ; his fin- 
 gers were gnarled and lank, like the talons of 
 a bird of prey ; while the complexion and 
 good-humoured expression of his visage re- 
 minded you of an ourang affecting the 
 amiable. 
 
 Beneath that ill-favoured cuticle dwelt a 
 spirit burning with ambition; nature had 
 given him a head to think, and a hand (or a 
 claw) to execute. He was not without taste 
 and talent, his manners w^ere good, his con- 
 versation amusing, and his bearing gentle- 
 manly. Yet, with all these sterling pro- 
 perties, the paths to honourable estate and 
 distinction were as hermetically closed against 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 189 
 
 him, as if he had escaped piping-hot from 
 Hades, with the fresh fumes of its brimstone 
 as pungent upon him as sal volatile. And 
 wherefore? Because, as Byron sings of 
 Beppo — 
 
 " He had a face the colour of mahogany." 
 
 I forget by what accident I first made his 
 acquaintance ; but the social ostracism under 
 which I found him suffering produced a feel- 
 ing that he soon contrived to turn into inti- 
 macy. For two or three years he hung about 
 me like my shadow ; paid visits unasked, 
 when I was at home ; and never failed being 
 in town when he learnt that there was a 
 chance of my being there. 
 
 The more obvious it became that people 
 fought shy of him, the more the sense of jus- 
 tice — a predominant feeling of my nature — was 
 roused in his behalf. In spite of many a 
 scurvy joke, he had always a seat in my til- 
 bury, and at my table, or an arm in Bond 
 Street, to all of which he attached himself 
 with unfailing constancy. I even got him 
 
190 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 into a house or two where they were not over- 
 particular, and, to do him justice, wherever 
 he could insert any fraction of his frame, the 
 remainder was safe of a lodgment. 
 
 " Use lessens marvel," says Scott : there 
 never was a more unimpeachable truism. By 
 degrees the dark became less and less sombre ; 
 the dingy assumed the clear ; and anon I 
 could sit vis-a-vis a young gentleman who 
 might have passed muster for a Hotten* 
 tot, look in his face, and yet " forget it all." 
 Philosophy, science, and art, are indebted to 
 chance for many of their most remarkable 
 discoveries; and thus did a trifle first bring 
 vividly before me the fact that I had a friend 
 not as other men were. 
 
 During the first year of our acquaintance, 
 
 he accompanied me to B , for a few days' 
 
 hunting. I mounted him ; and, at the in- 
 stance of Maher (who probably did it in the 
 spirit of his country's devilment), furnished 
 him with all else that became a modern dis- 
 ciple of Diana. It was on a bright spring 
 morning that he was to make his first essay ; 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 191 
 
 my father was sitting with me at breakfast ; 
 time wore on, and we were wondering at the 
 lengthened toilette of our guest, when the 
 door opened, and he appeared. A more ex- 
 traordinary apparition was never seen out of 
 a stage-play. How shall I attempt to de- 
 scribe it? As he stalked across the room, 
 the total revolution in his costume added, to 
 all seeming, another furlong to his stature ; 
 while his long black head, springing from the 
 collar of a scarlet frock, was like nothing in 
 nature but the petal of a gigantic fuchsia. 
 
 The old gentleman looked aghast : between 
 the extremity of his politeness and his amaze- 
 ment he ran great risk of apoplexy ; when na- 
 ture triumphed, and, malgre the napkin thrust 
 into his mouth, he threw himself back in his 
 chair, and fairly shouted in a convulsion of 
 delight. I confess, I couldn't wholly preserve 
 my own gravity ; but the author of our plea- 
 santry was by no means moved. I don't think 
 he had any idea that we were laughing at 
 him. Whether he had or not, it did not put 
 him out of countenance, for he straightway 
 
192 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 proceeded to embowel a pigeon-pie with great 
 earnestness. 
 
 This was my first hint : another followed 
 fast on its kibes. About this time, my Lanca- 
 shire friend took the scarlet fever, in conse- 
 quence of being exposed to a field-day of the 
 
 Dragoon Guards, whose head-quarters 
 
 were then at Manchester. He forwarded an 
 early account of the attack to me, with such 
 suggestions, touching a remedy, as my regard 
 for him did not allow me to slight. I lost no 
 time in writing to one of the most popular 
 men in the regiment. Captain , now Co- 
 lonel C , to inquire w^hat chance there 
 
 was of a vacancy, and how such might best be 
 made available, at the same time stating the 
 name of the candidate, whom he had seen 
 with me. I give his answer in his own 
 words : — 
 
 " My dear Marston — I am rejoiced to hear 
 
 that Mr. Robert has selected the 
 
 Dragoon Guards as the medium of his intro- 
 duction to the army. Of course, on your ac- 
 count, he commands my best offices. I am 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 193 
 
 aware of his musical talents, and shall speak 
 favourably of them to the master of our band ; 
 but let me know, in confidence, whether his 
 inclination leans towards the kettle-drums or 
 the cymbals. I strongly recommend the lat- 
 ter, as I think a turban would decidedly be- 
 come him." 
 
 Circumstances brought to a somewhat ab- 
 rupt termination our three years' intimacy ; 
 but still I had occasional intimations of his 
 career. He took a degree at Cambridge, 
 where a certain set patronised him when he 
 gave a dinner, and, in the spirit of an honour- 
 able ambition, began to look about for some 
 profession or office that should give him social 
 position. On this generous pursuit he entered 
 with enthusiasm, an unblemished character, 
 the aid of friends, and ample resources. A 
 distinguished lawyer was consulted as to the 
 propriety of his entering the Temple. He was 
 a wag, and spake thus : — 
 
 " It is my opinion, there exists no prece- 
 dent for such a step. I never saw a gentleman 
 of colour called to the bar, except at the Old 
 
 VOL. I. K 
 
194 HYDEMARSTON. 
 
 Bailey : a black face under a white wig would 
 look like a mourning-coach in a snow-storm." 
 
 His hopes in theology fared no better. 
 People were not so straight-laced a dozen 
 years ago as they are now; but, since the 
 Reformation, could a congregation have been 
 found to stand a parson with a face like a 
 piece of his cassock, immersing, in the snowy 
 folds of a cambric kerchief, a snout the colour 
 of an undertaker's truncheon ? 
 
 In diplomacy it was the same. Your tLt- 
 tache, it is true, has little to do ; but he is 
 expected to take out her Excellency's poodles 
 to air ; and that was forbidden to one who 
 might have said, with Lear, " Tray, Blanche, 
 and Sweetheart, bark at me." .... Need I point 
 to the moral of my chapter, or pause to as- 
 sign a reason for turning aside from the high- 
 way of my narrative to record episodes such 
 as these? In the sorrows of mortality we 
 have our best assurances of another and a 
 better life. 
 
 " Then shall man's pride and dulness comprehend 
 His actions , passions', being's use and end!" 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 ALL FOR LOVE. 
 
 A suburban village — Rustic, with a spice of the Sap- 
 phic Richmond — Stars and garters ! — The way and the 
 means — Oxford correspondence — Good resolutions. Hell's 
 pavement not a wooden one — Sweet are the uses of adver- 
 sity — A Jew's eye. 
 
 K 2 
 
" Think of the gladness of our youthful prime — 
 It Cometh not again — that golden time !" 
 
 The Commers Book. 
 
 " I could not love, I'm sure, 
 One who in love were wise." 
 
 Cowley. 
 
 " Here is ado, and lock up honesty and honour from the 
 access of gentle visiters." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 197 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 There was not a prettier, or more rural vil- 
 lage, within an easy ride of London, than 
 Thames Ditton, twenty years ago. But time 
 has been busy with it, even as with ourselves ; 
 and that perilous wrinkle, the South-western 
 Railway, whatever it may have done in utility, 
 has sadly damaged it in the matter of the syl- 
 van. To the left of those who entered the 
 common from town, there stood (and still 
 stands) a rustic public-house, with its sign 
 suspended from the branch of an ancient 
 elm, serving as an appropriate entrance to 
 a picturesque green lane. Whoso trod the 
 velvet sward that constituted its footpaths, 
 or wheeled over the smooth gravel of the 
 
198 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 drive that wound between them, reached, in 
 a short quarter of a mile, a spot that Flora 
 herself might have selected for a retreat. 
 It was a fairy nook, blushing throughout 
 the year with myriads of roses, and breath- 
 ing fragrance fresh and odorous as ever zephyr 
 rifled from morning violets. 
 
 Within, nestled a cottage, such as " youth- 
 ful poets dream of when they love." Sweet 
 bower of beauty ! since the winged hours I 
 passed within thee, my home has been be- 
 side the azure Leman, my path among the 
 emerald valleys of Tyrol ; yet never have I 
 seen aught that might compare with thee, 
 albeit thou didst arise at the bidding of a vil- 
 lanous Israelite, who dealt in woollens, and 
 every other species oi fleeceri/, in St. Mary 
 Axe. 
 
 The historian and biographer have each a 
 delicate duty to perform ; but how infinitely 
 more perplexing is his task who ventures to 
 grace his own tale ! With a true perception 
 of the difficulty, I have lingered over the in- 
 troduction to this chapter till I could gain 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 199 
 
 courage to proceed with my narrative. Need 
 t be told that there lacked not an Eve for 
 my Paradise — the Eden, where first was ga- 
 thered from the tree of knowledge that mystic 
 produce which realizes the fabled fruit of the 
 Dead Sea? 
 
 Away with ye, base and sordid impulses! 
 that, as I trace these records, whisper me to 
 plead the temptation that assailed, in mitiga- 
 tion of the course pursued. The folly, the 
 madness, the sin, that triumphed, found allies 
 in the weakness of each. I seek not to soften 
 terms or facts; peradventure, I should have 
 urged that — 
 
 "Both were so young, and one so innocent" — 
 
 and, while all might blame, some at least 
 would pity. But let it pass: life's great 
 moral was vindicated, both in her fate, who 
 has long ceased to suffer, and in his, whose 
 penance is not yet complete. 
 
 To preserve the connexion of my incidents, 
 we will return, for a moment, to the unex- 
 pected appearance of Caroline G at the 
 
200 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 house of her literary friend. The struggle I 
 made to dissuade her from a step my heart 
 too eagerly seconded has been told. Proba- 
 bly, the arguments I used, and already in the 
 reader's possession, exhausted my stock. At 
 all events, I pressed no others ; and, as the 
 chimes of Richmond Church told eight on the 
 evening of the memorable day when Caroline 
 so prophetically declared **her destiny was 
 fixed," four of Newman's posters, and a 
 britzska — one of Burnand's best — deposited a 
 party of three at the Star and Garter. 
 
 First descended a stripling, assisting, with 
 fond and anxious caution, a girl, who passed 
 rapidly into the house, and then handing 
 outr — 
 
 " Oh, shame ! 
 Oh, sin ! oh, sorrow ! and oh, womankind ! 
 How can you do such things, and keep your fame, 
 Unless this world, and t'other too, be blind ?" 
 
 the more matured form of the metaphysic 
 Sappho of the day ! If bricks and mortar 
 could speak ; if walls had fingers to write, as 
 well as ears to hear, what a story of human 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 201 
 
 passions, in all their phases, what a tale of joy 
 and woe — trembling solicitude, and desperate 
 recklessness, hope defeated, and fear confirmed 
 — would be an autobiography of the Star and 
 Garter, at Richmond ! 
 
 Trifling as the episodes are that my expe- 
 rience could furnish, they would not be with- 
 out their interest, or, it may be, their use. I 
 might relate (as told to me on its terrace by 
 the actor) strange passages in the life "of her 
 who, once a wandering stroller, then wore the 
 proudest coronet in the land. I could reveal 
 startling truths, connected with a conspiracy 
 to plunder, enacted beneath its roof, the mo- 
 ral of whose denouement proved that '* laws 
 are not made for every degree;" but, as Ho- 
 race says (and so does Blackstone), su7it cer- 
 tl deniqice fines — a law that, however inter- 
 preted, it behoves all who write to remember. 
 
 In the course of a drive, on the day after 
 our arrival, accident brought us to tlie cot- 
 tage already described. It ^as to be let; 
 and, through a house-agent at Kingston, I 
 concluded a year's bargain for it, at the rate 
 
 K 5 
 
202 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 of forty guineas a month. Thither we forth- 
 with removed ; and behold me, with less than 
 nothing to support it — at the discreet age of 
 seventeen — master of an establishment, the 
 cost of which could not have been calculated 
 at less than a couple of thousands a year. 
 
 '' It is now," says Sir Peter, " six months 
 since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of 
 men ; and I've been the most miserable dog 
 ever silice." 
 
 Very similar was my dilemma. With all 
 that nature and art could lavish on exist- 
 ence to make it a state of bliss ; at a season 
 when novelty gives so keen a relish to enjoy- 
 ment ; and born with feelings susceptible to 
 agony of those emotions that stir the heart of 
 the coldest ; I should not be believed did I 
 say that life was not to me a dream of deli- 
 rium. Still, it was the dream of a sleep that 
 had its waking hours : the vision of a slum- 
 ber on which reality would break often and 
 rudely. 
 
 The contrast that the bearing of Caroline 
 exhibited was very remarkable. Time, to 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 203 
 
 her, seemed to have but one division — the 
 present. The past was never recalled, the 
 future never alluded to. When she sang, the 
 lays selected told of joy and gladness, in light 
 and graceful melodies ; her language was 
 playful and brilliant — her looks ever bright 
 and radiant. 
 
 With the syren at my side, I scoffed at 
 Fate, and put reflection at defiance. But 
 there were moments when I was, per force, 
 alone, and that, too, under circumstances 
 far from calculated to engender agreeable 
 thouo'hts. This was when, chancellor of a 
 bankrupt exchequer, I applied myself to the 
 affair of ways and means. 
 
 And here I cannot choose but pause to point 
 out the signal advantage that the writers of 
 fiction possess over those who indite fact. 
 Your characters, in a novel, all eat, drink, 
 dress, ride, and drive, as though the schemes 
 of barter and currency were still undiscovered 
 mysteries. The hero passes from Rome to 
 St. Petersburgh without even condescending 
 to draw a cheque on his banker ; and the he- 
 
204 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 roine is as little encumbered with a purse as 
 a pocket. 
 
 There you have one side of the medal — 
 look at the reverse. Your matter-of-fact 
 compiler adopts, for instance, the career of 
 Viscount A for his theme, and finds him- 
 self called upon to state (notwithstanding it 
 sadly stains the couleur de rose of his narra- 
 tive), that the peer was compelled to forego 
 a levee, because a rascally cordwainer refused 
 to trust him with a pair of pumps ; or he be- 
 comes the biographer of Baron B , and 
 
 admits that his lordship was absent from such 
 and such a drawing-room, in consequence of 
 the reluctance of his laundress to accommo- 
 date him with his other shirt. 
 
 The straits into which I was driven at this 
 time for money were terrible. The first fort- 
 night of my residence at Thames Ditton had 
 exhausted every shilling I possessed when I 
 took the desperate step on which I had ven- 
 tured, and how or where to replenish was the 
 question. From Oxford Street there were no 
 ** returns,''' though I offered ray friend, the 
 
A sportsman's life. 205 
 
 tobacconist, five hundred per cent., to do a 
 bill for £300, due on the day I came of age. 
 Mj tailor, indeed, was good for fifty, which 
 about cleared a week's bills, of course ex- 
 clusive of rent. 
 
 Daily, on one plea or other, I rode express 
 to town ; now and then ferreted out some de- 
 scription of coin, and flew back again like one 
 distracted. On how many occasions have I, 
 emero'ino: unsuccessful from the cellar of a 
 Jew ragman, in Seven Dials, reached my Sy- 
 barite home — my turtle and iced Moselle — 
 after bilking the Kingston '' pike," from sheer 
 lack of a penny to pay the toll ! Was it an 
 especial Providence that prevented my stop- 
 ping people on the highway ? 
 
 " When things are as bad as they can be, 
 they can't be any worse :" because I had seen 
 the LifFey, I suppose, my case was selected to 
 refute this consolatory old maxim. At all 
 events, affairs hourly progressed with me in 
 the degrees of worst. Letters from Oxford 
 described the catastrophe that might result, 
 if I absented myself any longer from the Uni- 
 
206 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 versity ; ruin and disgrace awaited a delay of 
 another week : two ladies of refinement, half 
 a dozen fashionable domestics, and a Gothic 
 villa, would be left (did I go), without such 
 an amount of funds as would keep the cats of 
 the establishment in skim-milk for the next 
 twenty-four hours. 
 
 These were the facts, though I then saw 
 them, of course, through the halo of romance. 
 At all events, I acted, in one respect, like a 
 chivalrous knight ; for, leaping into my saddle 
 in less time than Amadis de Gaul or Bayard 
 could have accomplished it, I was closeted 
 with my Hebrew landlord, in St. Mary 
 Axe. 
 
 There was nothing for it but making a 
 clean breast. I had determined to tell Caro- 
 line that, for a space, she must content herself 
 with a more humble abode ; and that I had so 
 resolved was straightway communicated to 
 him of the cimiterical nose. I found him a 
 most favourable specimen of the " peeples " 
 who worship mammon, and eschew griskin. 
 He entered into my views ; told me he had 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 207 
 
 received an offer for his cottage, just as I had 
 concluded for it ; that he believed the appli- 
 cant was still unsuited ; and, if I would per- 
 mit him to look over it on the morrow, he did 
 not doubt but that it would be taken off my 
 hands. 
 
 With a lighter heart than I had known 
 for many a day, London and its cares were 
 once more left behind, and I entered the 
 bower of my lady-love in a spirit befitting 
 the place and the occasion. 
 
 Smelfungus ! never uplift thy brows thus, 
 and distort the fair proportions of thy visage. 
 What, an' if the gender of iJiy sect be doubt- 
 ful, men there have been (some considerably 
 before their time), are, and will be to the 
 end of the chapter. 
 
 To bound from the back of the courser that 
 has borne you through the soft air of a sum- 
 mer eve as smoothly as the clouds that float 
 in the purple twilight ; to meet glances full 
 of love and kindness ; to join at the board, 
 that taste has spread, those on whom the 
 gifts of beauty and fascination have been 
 
208 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 lavishly bestowed ; your wine only less spark- 
 ling than the wit ; your peach only less fra- 
 grant and rosy than the lip that greets you : 
 — say, might not such chance melt the heart 
 of a frozen stock-fish? Cease thy wonder, 
 then, that they were too powerful for the 
 philosophy of seventeen. 
 
 The rays of a golden moon lighted the 
 luscious confusion of the dessert-table, as, 
 drawing Caroline's arm through mine, leaving 
 
 Mrs. to conclude a dalliance she had 
 
 begun with a bottle of Malmsey Madeira, we 
 passed out into the lawn, to share the incense 
 that shrub and flower were offering to the 
 Queen of Night. 
 
 The scene was ill-suited to lend aid to the 
 words that faltered as I strove to utter them ; 
 but the necessity was omnipotent, and I spoke 
 of the jeopardy of my position, of the means 
 I had devised to meet it, and required of my 
 companion her opinions of my plans. A pause, 
 that fell coldly on my heart (I had almost 
 said, prophetically), ensued ; at length she 
 said — 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. '209 
 
 " Hyde, do you jeer or scoff when you 
 bid me reflect ? I know not the word ; it is 
 an issue foreign to my nature. I act : let 
 others think." The first jarring chord had 
 been struck : we continued for a while longer 
 to wander beneath the calm and holy moon- 
 light ; an atm.osphere of peace was above and 
 around us ; but within — who shall interpret 
 the spirit's mysteries ? 
 
 I had taken the precaution to order my 
 letters — those at least from correspondents I 
 could so far trust — to be addressed to the 
 little public-house of which I have spoken, on 
 the borders of the common. Thither, the 
 following day, I repaired at the time the post 
 usually arrived, which never occurred till 
 an hour or two after noon. As I drew near, 
 I perceived that the grassplot in front was 
 occupied by a groom with two led horses, 
 whose riders, apparently, had just dismounted. 
 
 A few paces farther enabled me to discover 
 two persons at the door ; instinct was on the 
 alert, and I stopped. 
 
 One was a man of middle size, with a 
 braided frock, hairy upper lip, and similar 
 
210 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 military appointments ; the other, a tall, 
 strongly-cast figure, with an air wholly Eng- 
 lish ; but, as the face was turned from me, 
 my observation was limited to his general 
 bearing. Something about it impressed me 
 with the idea that I had seen him before ; 
 but, as circumstances compelled me alike to 
 shun friend and foe, I retraced my steps to 
 the cottage. 
 
 As I entered the gate, the tread of a 
 horse sounded at my side ; I paused ; and the 
 stranger with the moustaches, removing his 
 hat, said, in a strong foreign accent — 
 
 *' I come to see dis plaas — -mit your leave, 
 sare, I believe ?" 
 
 Without awaiting my reply, he threw the 
 reins to his groom, and, alighting, passed on- 
 wards with me, as only men from beyond the 
 seas can do, without affording one an excuse 
 for handing them back again by their noses. 
 
 The cottage door was open, as were the 
 windows that led upon the green terrace that 
 encircled it. I passed through that of the 
 little library, and the stranger followed my 
 example. 
 
A sportsman's life. 211 
 
 " I shall not give troble," he observed ; " I 
 ondersdand the ensemble, it is var pretty, and 
 shall do vor me var well." 
 
 Refreshments were brought in, of which 
 he partook as one who desired to prolong his 
 visit. Prepossessions are guides not given us 
 without purpose. Mine had declared against 
 him from the first. His manners were good, 
 but there was a hawk-like sharpness of feature 
 and keenness of eye that I liked not. 
 
 '' You have had a long ride," I remarked ; 
 " but the road is full of interest ; I traverse it 
 almost daily, and still find new views of nature 
 and society to amuse me ; my rides, however, 
 are, for the most part, solitary ones ; possibly 
 you were not alone ?" 
 
 *' Yes, I — sdat is — no, I vas not ; a friend 
 wash mit me — yonge gentleman, var fond to 
 mount horseback ; meine Got ! vonderful to 
 make route! — he part mit me at — vhat ye 
 call? — Kingstone. It vasht veil he did, he 
 rode mit soch frenesie ; ' shlow and sure' ish 
 goot maxem." 
 
 *' You found no difficulty, I hope, in making 
 
212 HYDE MARSTON. 
 
 your way here ? The turn, out of the public 
 road, did not puzzle you?" 
 
 " Oh, no ! there was a leetle inn that did 
 tell" 
 
 *'Ah! at the corner of the lane; I wish 
 your companion had not deserted you. I 
 should have been happy to have offered my 
 humble hospitality to Mr. — what did you 
 say his name was ?" 
 
 " Ah, ah ! I have not tell ; — my goot friend 
 — var goot fellow, Masther Rips — I am so 
 bad at de English ! — Ripsall. I have great 
 regard for Ripsall." 
 
 I watched him closely during the progress 
 of his lie ; and, though it was clear I had no 
 common cheat to deal with, still, either my 
 manner abashed him, or something had put 
 him off his guard. The attempt was so bare- 
 faced, whatever might have been its purpose, 
 that my impatience of his presence grew too 
 manifest to be longer overlooked. He rose, 
 thanked me for my politeness, and, as he 
 retired, presented his card, on which was 
 engraved — The Baron von Hoffman, Earl 
 
 OF SiRONY. 
 
CHAPTER XL 
 
 THUS RUNS THE WORLD AWAY. 
 
 Chevaliers d' Industrie ubiquitous — " Rude am I of 
 speech" — A thief sees an officer in every bush — The 
 Golden Calf — Indications of the fie-fie — " May good diges- 
 tion wait on appetite. 
 
"La vie ne se revele a nous-memes qu'avec le choc des 
 occasions." 
 
 Brucker. 
 
 " Time is the distance of moral life, the perspective of 
 the mind: it is only now, seated in my easy chair at 
 Crockey's, or by my fireside in St. James's Place, that 
 groupings come out before my mind's eye, and trifles com- 
 bine themselves into events, which, when passing before me, 
 were mere dots and lines, scratchings and daubings." 
 
 Cecil, a Peer. 
 
 " Who can speak 
 The mingled passions that surprised his heart ?" 
 
 Thompson. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 2 I 5 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 However justly our soil and climate may 
 be accused of scant fertility, and sluggishness 
 of physical production, no country under the 
 sun has been so prolific of those social ill- 
 weeds that, as the proverb says, " grow 
 apace." 
 
 When Horace wrote the robustious hex- 
 ameters that open the second satire of his First 
 Book, he indited a catalogue suited au pied 
 de la lettre, to distinguish the moral funcfi 
 that should oyerrun Great Britain in the 
 fullness of time. France has done much in 
 the way of chevaliers dHndustrie ; India boasts 
 her sons of a legerdemain so perfect, that they 
 can pick a man's back of his shirt ; but a 
 
216 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 concentration alone of all the ethereal sub- 
 tilties of civilization, and the instructive dex- 
 terities of savage life, can form that " perfect 
 monster," the English swindler. 
 
 Be it not supposed I mean that this most 
 finished of all the disciples of Mercury is an 
 indigenous plant of our earth ; so far from it, 
 the best specimens have been exotics. All I 
 contend for is, that it nowhere attains the 
 ideal of luxuriance, save in the rich loam of 
 John Bull's forcing-house. As it is only here 
 and there one meets with a man who desires 
 to proclaim himself an ass by sound of trum- 
 pet, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred all 
 that the cheat requires to secure impunity, is 
 success. The more monstrous the means, too, 
 the more triumphant the consequences, let 
 the end be but attained. 
 
 The annals of credulity, probably, contain 
 no other instance whose details exhibit the 
 prodigality of success that crowned the 
 early career of the Baron Von Hoffman. 
 Fortune, to whose caprice the majority of 
 the ingenious are so largely indebted, in his 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 2 i 7 
 
 case had nothing to do but to look on \vith 
 amazement. Fully sensible that the more 
 select the company admitted to an exhibition of 
 sleight-of-hand, the more the chances are mul- 
 tiplied in favour of the showman, he eschewed 
 commerce with mankind in the mass. To 
 certain coteries, curious in lions, he accom- 
 plished an introduction, and with these he 
 was ever a welcome guest. This was brought 
 about, in the first instance, by a certain 
 dashing general of cavalry, who subsequently 
 became commander of the forces in Ireland, 
 and whom our accomplished chevalier un- 
 doubtedly succeeded in '^ fooling to the top 
 of his bent." The Baron was by no means 
 diffident of allusion to his " friend," or the 
 circumstances under which he first made 
 that nobleman's acquaintance. These will 
 throw some light upon the style of audi- 
 ence to whom he played on his first appear- 
 ance, and, therefore, are worth a passing 
 notice. As a dry relation, indeed, the story 
 will hardly bear telling ; but, as I cannot 
 transfer the narrator's wild gestures and quaint 
 
 VOL. I. L 
 
218 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 language to my page, I have no alternative 
 but thus to communicate it. 
 
 " It was at Malta that I became known to 
 
 my noble friend, General Lord C ," so at 
 
 least the substance of this narrative would 
 say, " having touched there in my yacht, 
 which I was trying, by a cruise in the Medi- 
 terranean, previous to a voyage and adventure 
 that required no ordinary means and appliances, 
 
 " A finer vessel never floated than that 
 craft ; she was built for me at Bordeaux, en- 
 tirely of the choicest Spanish mahogany, was 
 equal in tonnage and appointments to a first- 
 class frigate, and cost about sixty thousand 
 
 pounds. C frequently lunched on board 
 
 of her, for he took quite a fancy to my sandal- 
 wood cabin and curious Tokay ; the latter 
 presented to me by Esterhazy, from his hun- 
 dred-year-old bin. 
 
 " As it may seem remarkable that a Hun- 
 garian nobleman should go to such expence 
 for a pleasure-vessel, I will enter into the 
 particulars, although it is most painful to me 
 to recall them. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 219 
 
 " During a visit to Vienna, I saw and ad- 
 mired a young Portuguese lady, the daughter 
 and heiress of the wealthiest and most noble 
 family in Estremadura ; she was the guest of 
 a relative, then on a mission to the Austrian 
 court, and the fame of her beauty filled every 
 salon in Germany. 
 
 ** Admiration grew into a more tender senti- 
 ment ; I loved the Lusian girl, and my pas- 
 sion was returned with a fervour, pure, but 
 glowing, as her native skies. As we made no 
 secret of our attachment, the rumour of it 
 speedily reached Portugal. The policy of her 
 house had, in childhood, affianced her to a 
 noble of her own land. Refusal to ratify the 
 contract caused her immediate removal from 
 the banks of the Danube to a convent on the 
 Tagus. A letter which she contrived to for- 
 ward to me at Paris revealed the history of 
 her sacerdotal imprisonment, and the danger 
 and difficulty of any attempt to rescue her 
 from it. 
 
 *' These acted but as incitements, while 
 they suggested the necessity for caution as 
 
 L 2 
 
220 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 well as courage. I resolved that the means 
 of flight should be as secret as secure. To 
 this end the yacht was built, and manned with 
 a crew whose law was my will. A Parisian che- 
 mist furnished me with a rope-ladder, so pre- 
 pared that, being for an hour subjected to the 
 action of the air, it became dust. This latter 
 precaution I adopted, that even the fact of the 
 captive's escape should be incapable of proof. 
 
 ** Thus prepared, I sought the Tagus, bore 
 away the brightest flower that ever bloomed 
 upon its shores, and sailed for climes where 
 nature is an Eden, and life a summer-day. 
 
 " I will not recall the ruin of all this pro- 
 mise, save to tell that, of the blithe company 
 who set forth on that voyage, I alone remain. 
 She, who was fairer than the daughters of this 
 world, sleeps with the pearl and the coral, 
 twin-sisters of her brow and lip ; she is gone 
 to bliss ; he who remains, survives to living 
 death !" 
 
 By the aid of a white cambric handker- 
 chief, coal-black mustaches, and a jewelled 
 hand, this story was wont to produce a vast 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 221 
 
 effect. He had half a dozen others to match ; 
 and these, well seasoned with high names, 
 passed him into certain circles with prodigious 
 eclat. 
 
 In London, however, his career as '* Earl of 
 Sirony" was brief. After a residence of little 
 more than a year in England, he selected Dublin 
 as the scene of his exploits, where, at the time, 
 
 Lord C was commander of the forces. At 
 
 his Lordship's levees, and her Ladyship's par- 
 ties, the Baron was a star. Covered with em- 
 broidery, ribands, and orders, and accom- 
 panied by his suite, for two seasons he was 
 the '^ observed of all observers" in the most 
 aristocratic coteries of the Irish metropolis. 
 From the court to the kennel was his final 
 step. In the streets where, a few years be- 
 fore, he had ridden as a prince, he was seen 
 shivering, in rags, a gaunt beggar, at the 
 point of starvation. In the streets which he 
 had once paraded with the most distinguished 
 of their company, died the Baron Von Hoff- 
 man, for the lack of bread and shelter ! 
 
222 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 My arrangements for ceding the cottage to 
 its new tenant were completed, and I only 
 awaited the issue of a scheme that promised 
 to supply funds necessary for the emigration, 
 when a letter was left for me by a person who 
 refused to give his name, which put an end to 
 all else, save the immediate matter of its con- 
 tents. It was anonymous, and announced that 
 
 my father was on the point of leaving B 
 
 for Oxford, to communicate to me a matter of 
 great concern. The thief, says the proverb, 
 sees an officer in every bush : I, as naturally, 
 jumped at the conclusion, that the old gen- 
 tleman had learned my position, and, using 
 the Oxford trip as a ruse for his journey, was 
 bound incontinently for Thames Ditton, then 
 and there to burn the villa to the ground, 
 and put its inmates to the sword. 
 
 To avert such a catastrophe as this, I wrote, 
 on the instant, that I might be expected in 
 Shropshire within a few hours after the re- 
 ceipt of my letter ; and, having told Caroline 
 that I was merely going to town, and should 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 223 
 
 return to dinner, I was off for London as fast 
 as a thorough-bred hack could carry me : 
 thence I despatched Maher, with orders to 
 state, that a sudden summons called me to 
 
 B for a few days ; that I should return 
 
 before the end of the week, without fail ; and, 
 at eight o'clock the same evening, I lit my 
 cigar on the box of the " Wonder," at the 
 door of the Peacock, at Islington. 
 
 It has been said that, when a man sees 
 another cross the street, as he believes, for 
 the purpose of knocking him down, and, 
 in lieu of a thwack on the head, receives 
 an invitation to dinner, the compliment be- 
 comes enhanced a hundred-fold. Upon a 
 similar principle I regarded my reception 
 at the home of my ancestors. When, instead 
 of a face like a thunder-cloud, and a salute 
 to correspond, I was welcomed with a tone, 
 soft as the music of the spheres is said to 
 be, and with a smile, sweet as those attri- 
 buted to the seraphs (by parties in the habit 
 of associating with them) — I say, when, 
 utterly unable to account for myself or my 
 
224 HYDE ]VL\RSTON ; OR, 
 
 appearance, my respected sire (albeit, by 
 nature, wily as a fox, and choleric as a game- 
 cock) took me unto his bosom, " and no ques- 
 tions asked," it was as though the usher of 
 the black rod had shown me from Pande- 
 monium to Paradise. 
 
 It is not my custom to pry impertinently 
 into the causes of good luck — the effect is 
 enough for all my purposes. I, therefore, 
 took the goods the gods gave, that is to say 
 (dinner being discussed), a bottle of 1818 
 claret, and a slice of pineapple, without open- 
 ing my mouth, save for the behoof of my 
 palate. 
 
 There I was, for all my progenitor knew to 
 the contrary, dropped from the firmament, 
 treated as if he had transmitted to Oxford, 
 some weeks before, a card of invitation, to 
 " request the honour of my company at din- 
 ner" on such and such a day, and that the 
 occasion had duly arrived. A seraphic feel- 
 ing of filial love glowed within me ! Me- 
 mories of neglected duties, and slighted ob- 
 servances, rose like mocking fiends before my 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 225 
 
 troubled conscience ! How base and vile had 
 been mj past life ! bow unworthy such a 
 parent ! It was surprising I did not fall at 
 his feet, and make a clean breast of it ! 
 
 " Hyde, my boy," said the unparalleled old 
 gentleman, ''here's a bumper to your return 
 home ; though, I suppose, I can hardly flatter 
 myself it was affection for the governor pro- 
 cured him the gratification. Pockets to let, 
 unfurnished, eh ? Well, well, we were all 
 young once, and went a little over discretion 
 pace. That must be put right. Now answer 
 me freely and honestly, with an assurance of my 
 desire and ability to assist you ; should you 
 feel any disinclination to be put in possession 
 of fifty thousand pounds forthwith ?" 
 
 How^ perfect was his philosophy who pro- 
 nounced that " merely we are Fate's tools !" 
 There I was, my honour, my very life jeopar- 
 died, for the scurvy need of a few guineas, 
 ready to swoon at an offer of immeasurable 
 wealth ! Libertine that I was — careless of 
 personal consequences, and all the anxieties I 
 might intiict on those connected with me — 
 
 L 5 
 
226 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 still my heart was not hardened enough to 
 contemplate the horrid conviction that struck 
 upon it. Yet, could I doubt — did it admit 
 of the possibility of question, that my father 
 had indeed lost his senses ? 
 
 And how terrible was the expression of his 
 madness ! Had he decaudated himself before 
 my eyes, and stuck his dear old pigtail into 
 his button-hole for a nosegay ; had I beheld 
 him help himself from the water-bottle instead 
 of the claret-jug — in short, perpetrating any 
 act of ordinary insanity, there might have 
 been a hope. But to hear him ask his son — 
 me, Hyde Marston — to accept a delicate ac- 
 commodation to the tune of fifty thousand 
 pounds ! Oh ! it was too shocking ! 
 
 " Take your wine," he continued, with a 
 manner that would have imposed upon Willis 
 or Munro ; " attend to me, but don't stop the 
 bottle. I am not rich, my dear Hyde — my 
 fortune is not enough for both of us ; in such 
 a case, is it not a father's duty to do for his 
 son?" 
 
 The fruit was still on the table, and so 
 were the dessert knives ! 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 227 
 
 *^ Now you'll want to go to Melton this 
 winter: indeed it is my desire to see you 
 make your debut there. That cannot be done 
 as it ought without ten hunters and a couple 
 of hacks." 
 
 I ventured to hint that it might be at- 
 tempted with 52>, and a single hackney to 
 begin with. 
 
 *' D n your sneaking half-dozen !" he 
 
 exclaimed — (here I w^anted to peel an apple, 
 and took possession of the blade that hap- 
 pened to be nearest his hand) ; " you shall 
 open in Leicestershire with half a score of the 
 best nags England can produce ; a couple of 
 slapping teams for your road-work ; and a 
 cook from the Faiixhourg St. Honored 
 
 (What a sample of paternal solicitude ! — 
 '* Oh, what a noble mind was here over- 
 thrown !") 
 
 " This is the style in which it becomes a 
 son of mine to take the field ; and thus shall 
 it be brought about : — I have secured you a 
 wife, with fifty thousand pounds in possession, 
 and as many more in reversion." 
 
228 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Sheridan is prone to scoff at matrimony, 
 but he was a roue ; — Gay was a moral man, 
 and yet he makes his hero surrender himself 
 to the hangman, rather than receive a visit 
 from the wife of his bosom. Will not some 
 allowance, then, be made for the feelings with 
 which / received this announcement ? 
 
 A stream of calm and holy moonlight 
 poured through the open casement, as I 
 entered the chamber of my childhood ; there 
 was the pillow, hallowed by many a rosy 
 dream, and slumber light ; experience had 
 come, and what was the worth of the reality, 
 compared with the vision? It was not my 
 fault that the base logic of instinct made Ca- 
 roline represent the substance, and the imma- 
 teriality of my purse the shadow of the pro- 
 position. 
 
 If we desire to see the human race exer- 
 cising its noblest prerogative, we must seek it 
 in the wilderness. Civilized man has ceased 
 to be a free agent ; the will and the way un- 
 fettered are the proud privileges alone of the 
 savage. 
 
A sportsman's life. 229 
 
 On the following morning, my father sent 
 for me, and promptly unfolded his plans. The 
 lady selected for the honour of my hand was 
 
 the only daughter of General W , one of 
 
 his earliest friends. He had entered the 
 army as a boy, and, having reaped a harvest 
 of laurels and sugar-canes, even from the 
 Bahamas to extremest Tobago, became a mil- 
 lionaire and a general of artillery. This 
 fortunate son of Mars, being an Irishman, bore 
 off a planter's daughter, who bore him a 
 daughter (both matters of course). The 
 latter was exported in her infancy to Ireland, 
 to be reared by her uncle, a swain that fed 
 his flocks in the rich pastures of the Golden 
 Vale. 
 
 Such was the maiden destined for my arms ; 
 and, seeing that I had not the luck to be 
 bom an anthropophagus, but a Christian gen- 
 tleman, who could not have given change for 
 a silver groat, had his salvation depended 
 upon it, I offered no objection to the arrange- 
 ments. Indeed, under all the circumstances, 
 had the proposal been that I should marry the 
 
230 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 General, instead of his daughter, I don't well 
 see how I could have refused. 
 
 By noon we were upon the Holyhead road, 
 and, without further adventure, reached 
 Dublin, and the residence of my father-in- 
 law elect. 
 
 It was late when we arrived, and, after a 
 hurried toilette, dinner was announced. Be- 
 sides ourselves, there were but the host and 
 his daughter present. A capital fellow the 
 master of the mansion was, with the corpora- 
 tion of Falstaff, the nose of Bardolph, and 
 the spirit of Momus ! I can't say I liked the 
 lady so well ; perhaps I was prejudiced. A 
 dish of pullets being opposite to me, I in- 
 quired whether I should have the pleasure of 
 helping her ? 
 
 The reply was, *' Thank'e, I will take a 
 fowl." 
 
 This was startling. Something more alarm- 
 ing followed : a servant reported, that a per- 
 son in the hall desired to see me instantly — 
 it was Maher ! There he stood, travel-stained, 
 with just breath enough to gasp out, *'Miss 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 231 
 
 Caroline's bolted — she and the fellow with the 
 
 nose " 
 
 I reeled as from the stroke of a poniard ; 
 but ruin was in discovery, and I tottered 
 back to the dinner-table. I sank into my 
 chair; the people around me were feasting 
 — my soul died at the sight. One, bright, 
 brilliant, and ethereal, was in my heart — 
 at my elbow, a carnivorous Gorgon, with the 
 polished bones of a pullet before her. With 
 an effort I faltered out, — " You have not 
 
 dined ?" when she, who was to be to me 
 
 another Caroline, thus took up the reply : — 
 " Well, then, upon my conscience, I'm hungry 
 to-day, that's the truth : I'll trouble you for 
 another fowl." 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 IRELAND IN 1821. 
 
 " Our whirligig revels make all the blue devils creep 
 out" — Nolo conjugari — Whig and Tory under the maho- 
 gany — The Road as it was, and may be now — More about 
 the Curragh — The Turf Club — Olympics — Paphics. 
 
" To live at home, 
 And never roam ; 
 To pass the day in sighing : 
 To wear sad looks, 
 Read stupid books, 
 • And look half dead, or dying: 
 
 Not shew your face, 
 Nor join the chase, 
 But dwell a hermit alway — 
 Ah, Charley dear ! 
 To me it's clear 
 You're not the man for Galway !" 
 
 Charles O'Malley. 
 
 " Round him much embryo, much abortion lay, 
 
 ♦ **♦** 
 
 Nonsense precipitate, like running lead 
 
 That slipp'd through cracks and zigzags of the dead; 
 
 All that or Folly — Frenzy could beget." 
 
 DUNCIAD. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 235 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Shall I ever forget my first impressions of 
 Ireland and the Irish ? We sail from London 
 to Otaheite, and, reaching the paradise of the 
 Pacific, observe that the costume and customs 
 differ from those we left behind. Tattooing 
 does duty for tailoring, and six inches of 
 linen for as many yards of broadcloth. But 
 the hempen convenience is a strip of sober, 
 reasonable stuff, content to be devoted to one 
 part of the person, and there to discharge the 
 office for which it is intended. Step from a 
 steamer to the pier of Kingstown, or St. 
 George's Quay, and mark the habits and 
 manners of the natives. 
 
 That form, buttoned up to the throat, in 
 
236 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 what was once a great coat, surmounted by 
 an apology for a hat, belongs to one of the 
 fair sex, who, peradventure, dealeth in " her- 
 rings and live cod ;" and that young gentle- 
 man at her side is the first-born of her love, 
 who, with his arms stuck through the legs of 
 his father's corduroys, trusts it may be 
 thought he wears a jacket, and, nobly indepen- 
 dent, leaves the residue of his symmetry as it 
 pleased Providence to turn it out. 
 
 But what of that ? Fun is " the charter of 
 the land ;" and is not a light heart a light 
 heart, whether it beat beneath a waistcoat of 
 Persian velvet, or the tattered sackcloth that 
 stands for a shirt ? 
 
 I take my green islander, and administer to 
 him a drop of that elixir which transforms 
 his rags to robes, and his mud-cabin to a 
 marble palace. Hark! from out a bag of 
 sorely defiled leather one squeezeth notes to 
 which the dying remonstrances of the tenant 
 of the stye are as the music of the spheres. 
 The son of Erin drinketh in the minstrelsy. 
 Little careth he for the " concord of sweet 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 237 
 
 sounds." His end and aim are fun — fun 
 breathed in Lydian measures, or blasted from 
 the throat of a jungle tiger. Behold ! his 
 internal spirit cutteth a caper; above his 
 streaming locks waveth the sprig of shille- 
 lagh, and he poureth forth a strain — 
 
 " Och ! piper, your music so sweetly comes over me, 
 Naked I'll wander wherever it blows, 
 And if my father should wish to discover me. 
 Sure it won't be by describing my clothes." 
 
 Some tourist has said (or, if he didn't, he 
 might have said) that a scarlet coat and an 
 English accent are the St. Peter's keys of Irish 
 society. At the period I write of, the most 
 eminent lion at the viceregal parties was a 
 
 Lieutenant of the regiment, whose father 
 
 retailed the intestines of animals, in the state 
 known as tripe, at the corner of Goodge 
 Street, Tottenham Court Road. 
 
 This allusion to esculents warns me to re- 
 sume the thread of my story. I parted from 
 the reader at a moment when the loss of one 
 mistress had swallowed up all my hopes, and 
 
238 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 the attainment of another seemed to make it 
 by no means improbable that I should share 
 the fate of my prospects. The existence of 
 these memoirs is, however, evidence of my 
 escape, and relieves the sympathetic of their 
 anxieties. If everybody selected the most 
 remarkable moral or natural curiosity of 
 which he or she had experience, and be- 
 queathed the record to posterity, what a li- 
 brary it would furnish ! My legacy would, 
 unquestionably, be a gastronomic sketch of 
 Euphemia W . 
 
 An ingenious calculator has recently ascer- 
 tained that, on an average, each member of 
 society, at the age of sixty, has disposed of 
 thirty tons of animal food. Had he adopted, 
 as his datum, the style of feeding common to 
 a young lady who made her third course off a 
 couple of roast fowls, I wonder what his esti- 
 mate would have been ! 
 
 I mated not with the daughter of Erin. 
 The elder Marston, albeit choleric, as we have 
 seen him, and obstinate as a pig or a priest, 
 was every inch a gentleman, and, withal, not 
 
A sportsman's life. 239 
 
 divested of bowels, as regarded his son. He 
 was, moreover, thoroughly English — abating 
 no jot of the prejudice that John Bull claims 
 as his privilege. Perhaps the money-bags 
 might have induced him to tolerate, as a 
 daughter-in-law, a demoiselle who, in the 
 matter of victuals, would have astonished a 
 company of French falconers. But her parts 
 of speech, cacologies " barbarous and unna- 
 tural," were beyond the philosophy of any 
 man who first saw the light east of St. 
 George's Channel. 
 
 To convey a general idea of the tone and 
 quality of her voice ; when she spoke, as 
 Byron says, you would have imagined " an 
 ass was practising recitative" — an Irish don- 
 key, with a brogue rank and remorseless 
 enough to burst the walls of a cellar. 
 
 Parties, also, at that time, ran very high : 
 in Dublin, Orangemen flavoured their claret 
 with a wholesale consignment of the Church 
 of Rome to the fire that never quencheth ; 
 while, in the provinces, Ribbonmen returned 
 the compliment, by cutting the tails off the 
 
S40 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 enemy's black cattle, and encompassing their 
 chattels in flames, that generally did as much 
 as was required of them, before they were ex- 
 tinguished. 
 
 Now my father was a high-churchman (po- 
 litically) — an uncompromising Tory of the 
 George the Third school, and the General an 
 ultra-unlimited-liberal Whig. In reference 
 to our particular party, the social horizon be- 
 came overcast on the third or fourth day after 
 we joined it. The storm soon burst. Whether 
 '* the Glorious Memory," or the " Veto," 
 brought about the crisis, I do not now re- 
 member, but it did come, with a vengeance ; 
 and, waving details, the next morning saw the 
 two Saxons breakfasting together at Morris- 
 son's, in Dawson Street. 
 
 '* Hyde," said the elder, " give me another 
 kidney : — that villanous, pot-bellied nigger- 
 driver ! Nothing should prevent my report- 
 ing his treason to the Horse Guards, but that 
 I know he'll come to be hanged. He'll 
 bring himself to the gallows, and save honest 
 people the trouble. It was a mercy the old 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 241 
 
 rascal's roof didn't fall before Ave were clear 
 of it." 
 
 Such was the coup de grace to my hyme- 
 neals, and, with escape from pressing and 
 instant peril, came the hour of reflection. 
 
 Heaven knows, it brought but little pleasant 
 to ponder on. I had found life no summer 
 sea, as far as my voyage had already ex- 
 tended, and the prospect for its progress was 
 anything but hopeful. But I was not alone — 
 the most fearful of all human positions : for 
 sorrow and shame, for pain and penury, there 
 is the balm of sympathy ; in the grave, man 
 is but parted from his grosser self; — but soli- 
 tude is the tomb of the soul. 
 
 Hastiness and instability, frequently cha- 
 racteristics of the most eminent philosophers, 
 statesmen, and soldiers, are impulses that 
 prompt them to adopt measures and conclu- 
 sions which instinct seizes on as the most 
 fitting and convenient. Without a fraction 
 of philosophy in his composition, my father 
 always jumped at his best conclusions. As 
 we strolled out after breakfast, he proceeded 
 
 VOL. I. M 
 
242 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 to lay before me a scheme for my future 
 arrangements, which, I am satisfied, suggested 
 itself to him as he detailed it. 
 
 My continuance at Oxford was left an open 
 question, to be settled on my return home — an 
 event he desired should be postponed for a 
 month or two. That space I was to occupy 
 in Ireland, as it might best please me, either 
 in the metropolis, or by a series of country 
 visits : the part I was to play in life would be 
 selected for me when next we met. 
 
 Had Plato or Socrates been employed to 
 devise a plan suited to the circumstances of 
 the case, they could not have contrived a 
 better. Quiet, rarely a synonyme with hap- 
 piness till we have passed our grand clima- 
 teric, to one at my age, and in my position, 
 was a thing to fly from like a pestilence. 
 
 Gratefully, therefore, did I enter into the 
 proposal, and accept the conge d' elire ; and, 
 having put my sire into the Holyhead packet, 
 and his letter of credit on Latouche into my 
 pocket, behold me, like our first parents, casting 
 about, in no small solicitude " where to choose." 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 243 
 
 June drew towards a close, and Dublin was 
 anything but pleasant head-quarters. It was 
 a piece of especial good luck, therefore, that 
 threw^ into my way, in the course of the 
 evening, the son of an Irish archbishop — a 
 member of my college at Oxford, who was 
 about to pay a flying visit to the Curragh 
 Summer Meeting, which commenced on the 
 following morning. We at once concluded 
 to pass a day there together, and thence to 
 make our passage into Meath, whither his 
 homeward route would lead him ; my inten- 
 tion being to penetrate through Longford, 
 into Leitrim and Donegal. 
 
 How many people have laughed at the pic- 
 tures of posting in Ireland, drawn by tourists ; 
 yet, how little have they imagined that no- 
 thing written, or probably to be written, ever 
 conveyed, or will convey, a true idea of it ! 
 Burlesque out of its wits, or caricature gone 
 distracted, would be styles infinitely too tame 
 and common-place for the attempt. 
 
 The first moiety of our descent was accom- 
 plished " comme il plaisait a dieu ;" that is to 
 
 M 2 
 
244 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 say, at the imminent hazard of our lives . — 
 the second, from Naas to the Curragh, as a 
 similar distance, had scarcely been before 
 performed by a post-chaise. 
 
 Our team consisted of a pair of pestilent- 
 looking skeletons, without winkers, their eyes 
 scanning along their cruppers — every glance 
 eloquent of dislocations and broken bones. 
 My friend had a London tiger with him (being 
 desirous of introducing the species into Gal- 
 way), who occupied the near side of the 
 driver's rail. The first attempt at a move 
 e;jected him, in a fashion that could not have 
 been surpassed by any of the race, a single 
 spring conveying him to the roof. 
 
 The demonstration that gave the English 
 groom notice to quit had quite a contrary 
 effect on the Irish postboy. It knocked his 
 hat off, indeed, and bestowed a compliment 
 on one of his shins, that would have demo- 
 lished a milestone ; but use is second nature. 
 With one hand he gathered up the pieces of 
 ragged ropes that acted as reins, and, with 
 the other, fell to work as if thrashing in a 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 245 
 
 barn. Where our anatomies contrived to 
 carry the life and deyilment that enabled 
 them to squeal as they squealed, and kick as 
 they kicked, would have puzzled a more able 
 zoologist than I was. But there was little 
 opportunity allowed for speculation of that 
 sort, or any other. 
 
 The dispute was settled by the remnant of 
 a bay mare, that played off-sider, planting her 
 heels in the pit of coachee's stomach, who, 
 with a yell of despair, and a crash of the rail 
 whereon he was perched, disappeared, as if 
 blown out of a mortar. 
 
 *' Terry's kilt ! " soliloquized a fellow, who 
 had been supporting himself against the gable 
 of a house, to enjoy the fun ; *'be the hole o' 
 me coat, they've tuck the number of his mess 
 at last betuxt them !" 
 
 By this time, all the idle and disorderly of 
 the town (nine-tenths of its population) began 
 to assemble around us ; but the face of affairs 
 had changed. As there was no longer any 
 one to force the steeds to the road, of course 
 there was nothing to be accomplished by stay- 
 
246 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 ing where they were, and to it they went, with 
 a will. First was performed a plunge, which, 
 breaking the pole off in the futchells, and at 
 the hook, at once relieved them of that encum- 
 brance ; and, as the scene of action was the 
 summit of a hill, the chaise thereupon set off 
 of its own accord. 
 
 It has often occurred t,o me, that if a de- 
 funct old coach -horse were propped up '* at 
 wheel," and his pole-chain left so long that, 
 when the carriage was put into motion, the 
 splinter-bar should come in contact with his 
 hocks, he would incontinently set off at a gal- 
 lop. Of all instruments of torture, there is 
 not one that has fears for an old " machiner " 
 equal to those of a splinter- bar. Probably 
 the horror of finding himself overtaken, at 
 last, by a phantom, from which he has been 
 running all his life, may account for it. At 
 all events, in our case, the effect was elec- 
 trical. No sooner did our " pair " feel the 
 application of the timber to their extremities, 
 than they set off as if suddenly endued with a 
 second colthood ; but the declivity was steep, 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 247 
 
 and the principle oigraviti/ (one little familiar 
 to anything Irish), was too many for them. 
 The consequence was, that before the descent 
 was achieved, the chaise had outran the horses, 
 and, with a summerset, concluded its perform- 
 ance in a ditch. There we lay, till Terry 
 anda^o.s.9^ co??iitatus SiTYixed, picked us up, 
 and we reached the course just as the racing 
 commenced. 
 
 There is no country on earth where sporting- 
 forms so popular a subject of conversation as 
 Ireland — few where it is less artistically car- 
 ried into effect. As I can have no purpose of 
 intentional offence by this observation, I trust 
 none will be taken. It is said in an honest de- 
 sire to bring about better things — where the 
 will would be father to the result. The fol- 
 lowing remarks, though made principally with 
 reference to a period of twenty years ago, 
 apply, I fear, almost equally to the present 
 day. 
 
 Racinfj, from the manao^ement of the train- 
 ing stable, to the end of its design — the 
 winning-post — was in a most defective state. 
 
248 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 Indeed, my experience of Irish horses, whether 
 on the turf, in the field, or elsewhere, does 
 not enable me to call to mind one out of fifty 
 that exhibited the condition which distin- 
 guishes the studs of this country. I never saw 
 one of their racers brought to the post '* up to 
 the mark," as we say ; and the principle on 
 which they were ridden was little better than 
 that practised in Italy, where they are " turned 
 loose." Holding a horse together — waiting — 
 lying with the field — collaring — all the fine 
 points of race-riding, are either unknown, or 
 disregarded ; and he who comes away at score, 
 and finishes '' upon the whip," is the boy for 
 an Irish race. 
 
 When the robbery was practised at the Cur- 
 ragh, six years since, by a member for the 
 county of Kildare, who ran, and won with, an 
 English three-year-old, Becassine, as an Irish 
 two-year-old, Caroline, I took occasion to see 
 Mr. Montgomery, the keeper of the match- 
 book, and secretary to the Irish Turf Club, 
 upon the matter. In the course of conversa- 
 tion, I learned from him that, in naming for 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 24,9 
 
 stakes, nothing more was necessary than that 
 the sire and dam should be stated ; so that the 
 substitution of life nominations for those that 
 might die before the day of running, or, 
 good for bad, after they were tried, would, 
 as Liston expressed it, be " quite hop- 
 tional." 
 
 I shall have to speak probably of the fox- 
 hunting and other field sports of Ireland, but 
 we are now on the Curragh, and, through the 
 politeness of Mr. Kirwan, amember of the Turf 
 Club, introduced into the stand. Nothing 
 could be more striking to an English eye, or 
 more delicious to the traveller, arrived from a 
 dusty limestone highway, than the prospect 
 afforded from it. Though it was midsummer, 
 intensely hot, and no rain had fallen for 
 weeks, the turf was as bright and brilliant as 
 the glow of an emerald. 
 
 But where were the people ? Was I in a 
 land proverbial for its love of pleasure, and 
 could such a scene muster but a few dozens of 
 the gentle, and a few hundred shillelaghs ? 
 Our yellow inconvenience was the only equi- 
 
 M 5 
 
250 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 page to be seen — and the cavaliers consisted 
 almost excl asively of stalwart yeomen, mounted 
 upon steeds that carried their tails precisely 
 as Providence had not ordained they should 
 be borne ; the riders buttoned up to the nose 
 in ponderous great coats of blue frieze, the 
 thermometer being about 90*^ in the shade. 
 
 Still, if the goddess whose temple w^as at 
 Ephesus had cause to be dissatisfied, so had 
 not the divinity whose shrine was at Paphos. 
 The stand was chiefly occupied by young- la- 
 dies from Dublin and the vicinity of the course, 
 and by a body of heavy dragoons from head- 
 quarters at Newbridge, whose brass band and 
 kettle-drums, in an adjoining chamber, ap- 
 peared bent on accomplishing the feat per- 
 formed at Jericho. 
 
 I have seen tolerable sweethearting in my 
 time, but never anything like that. Imagine 
 some scores of sweet little ears, graceful and 
 pearly as the shells in which Peris are cradled, 
 lost in gloomy furrows of moustaches. Ima- 
 2:ine " cheeks that would shame the morninof's 
 break" blushing 'Vdeeper and deeper still," 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 251 
 
 while past all conceiving are the vows of fire 
 that dye them to crimson. Fancy this if you 
 may, and you will have before you an outline 
 of the mask of Mars et Venus, as enacted on 
 this occasion at the Curragh of Kildare. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 IRELAND IN 1821 — continued. 
 
 Irish champain — Yankee Doodle Paradise — Hibernian 
 fox-hunting — Something apropos of geese — The game laws 
 — Rural matters in general, and roads in particular — Pat 
 Hart's jaunting car — Out quarters — Hibernian prudery — 
 — A catastrophe. 
 
" Och ! may life forsake me, and the divil take me 
 
 If ever I desart the fair ; 
 So vain's yer praching, likewise yer taching, 
 
 Bright eyes and kissing is my only care." 
 
 From the Greek of Mimnermus. 
 
 "Cantare, potare, amare, pugnare praecepta Sociorum 
 nostrorum sunto." 
 
 " Is man no more than this ? Consider him well : Thou 
 owest the worm no silk, the beast no hide, the sheep no 
 wool, the cat no perfume. Ha! here's three of us are 
 sophisticated. Thou art the thing itself; unaccommodated 
 man is no more but such a poor, bare, forked animal as 
 thou art." 
 
 King Lear. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. ^55 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 The skirmishing, however, was not exclu- 
 sively carried on by the cavalry, neither did all 
 the booty carried off fall to their share. But 
 mine must not be the pen to indite the bulle- 
 tin. All that it is permitted me to divulge is, 
 that, on re-entering our chaise (having, at 
 Oxford, heard T make comparison be- 
 tween the manners of Irish and Eno^lish 
 maidens, by no means to the advantage of the 
 latter), I made no effort to hide from him cer- 
 tain spolia opima won in the Grand Stand, 
 consisting of a torquoise vinaigrette, and the 
 sweetest little Limerick glove that ever cased 
 alabaster. 
 
 The racing was very bad ; I cannot call to 
 
256 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 mind particulars, but worse it could not have 
 been. The whole thing, to borrow a phrase 
 from the theatrical vocabulary, was miserably 
 " mounted," and I was not sorry when we were 
 fairly on our road for Kinnegad, where my 
 companion and I were to dine and separate. 
 
 Our route lay through the district thus no- 
 ticed in the journal of an American, who made 
 the tour of Leinster : '* I cannot adequately 
 express my admiration of this part of Ireland. 
 One may here travel from morning till night 
 without meeting a piece of growing timber 
 large enough to make a skewer." 
 
 It certainly looked very like fox-hunting^ 
 as far as regarded the hunter; but, for the 
 animal chased, appearances were anything but 
 flattering. The surface, turf that has not felt 
 the plough for centuries, must carry a burning 
 scent, and there is not a vestige of cover to 
 hide a fox, above ground. What a return of 
 the season's sport would the Belvoir, the Quorn, 
 or the Burton have rendered, with a brace of 
 foxes each hunting day, and such a country 
 to catch them in ? 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 257 
 
 It was late when we reached our destination, 
 awfully hungry, and somewhat weary to boot. 
 The hotel was a long thatched building, co- 
 loured with yellow ochre, like a barn in its 
 holiday attire. Our arrival created no sensa- 
 tion ; we were permitted to emerge from our 
 leathern incommodity, and enter without any 
 impertinent interference. No bowing host, no 
 spruce, obsequious waiters were there to anti- 
 cipate the guest's wishes. Having made our 
 way into an apartment, which, from the odour 
 of whisky and tobacco, promised to be a par- 
 lour, I applied myself lustily to the bell-rope. 
 As this was a piece of faded scarlet ribbon 
 (evidently invalided from the landlady's Sun- 
 day cap), appended to a nail in the cornice, 
 there was not much likely to come of that, so 
 we lifted up our voices and cried aloud. The 
 summons was presently responded to by a 
 strapping, carroty wench, bare-headed, bare- 
 shouldered, bare-legged, and bare-footed. 
 
 I have not been at Timbuctoo, nor on visit- 
 ing terms with the natives of Australia ; there- 
 fore I am not competent to give an opinion 
 
258 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 about the nakedness of foreign savages ; but 
 of all the nations and peoples of which I have 
 had experience, certainly the Irish are the 
 least encumbered with clothes. 
 
 The lady who attended our bidding was, as 
 I have premised, none of your Sylphides, but 
 a fine sample of the species locally designated 
 — " Mullingar Heifers," from their proneness 
 to run to beef, and the circumstance of wear- 
 ing the thickest parts of their legs downw^ards, 
 like claret decanters. 
 
 Our first care was food. ^* Give us to eat," 
 said I, " anything you have in the house, or 
 every thing, only despatch — for we're not to 
 be trifled with. What is there in the larder ? — 
 a bullock or two — a flock of turkeys, or any 
 little thing of that kind ? " 
 
 " Not an hour since, Easthur, but there was 
 mate enough in the house to feed a faction, 
 till this unloocky day itself," replied the Py- 
 thoness; *'but sure there's an elegant goose 
 ready for the spit anyhow, and may be yees 
 could manaofe it, stuffed with onions and 
 pratees." 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 259 
 
 " Amen," rejoined T , (probably be- 
 cause his sire wore the archi-episcopal mitre.) 
 ^* So be it — let us see our rooms, and then 
 parade the classic fowl." 
 
 While the damsel retired to learn the places 
 appointed for our dormitories, we occupied our 
 leisure as the practice is with persons similarly 
 
 situated. T commenced a sketch of our 
 
 attendant, wherein the ancles were three times 
 the circumference of the waist ; and I began 
 diligently to cultivate the " posies," whereof 
 a goodly crop decorated the walls and window- 
 shutters. The first I succeeded in deciphering 
 was to this effect : — 
 
 "Pve been to Xaas — a horrid place- 
 Kildare — uncommon bad — 
 
 But d me if I ever met 
 
 The like of Kinnegad." 
 
 This satisfied my taste for the Muses for the 
 remainder of the day. 
 
 The chamber selected for me was a grim 
 closet, containing a " stump " bedstead, a stone 
 pitcher, without snout or handle, and a piece 
 
260 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 of broken crockery intended to represent a 
 bason. 
 
 In such a state of things, what a blessing it 
 was to hear preparations for a row under my 
 window ! Open went the casement ; beneath 
 it lay a yard to which the lumber-room in 
 Noah's ark must have been the ideal of order 
 and neatness. At a door, that seemed to be- 
 long to the kitchen, stood a mountain of a 
 woman, with the face of a fury, and a mon- 
 strous ladle in her hand, and, opposite to her 
 (but out of reach of the ladle), a singular 
 looking muscular dwarf, whose appearance 
 was that of one who had recently been engaged 
 in a struggle for his life. He was about three 
 feet high, and without garment of any descrip- 
 tion, except a pair of breeches that would 
 have accommodated a giant. These were made 
 fast round his neck ; the waistband under the 
 arm-pits, and the knees turned upwards, to 
 prevent their covering his toes. 
 
 Both were holding forth, but the voice of 
 the ladle-bearer prevailed like a trumpet in a 
 chorus. 
 
A sportsman's life. 261 
 
 " Tare and ages, is it empty-handed ye're 
 standing there, ye basthoon of the world ? 
 Where's the burd, ye pup of blazes ? Mother 
 of Moses, here's a nice gintleman for a tay 
 party, that can't hold a dawny fowl in his 
 fisht !" 
 
 " Thry him yerself, Mistress O'Shannahan," 
 roared the dwarf, at the peril of his lungs : — 
 '* thry him yerself, ma'am. Oh ! to be sure, 
 it's the asiest thing in life to catch an old 
 lawyer iv a gander, wid as many thricks in his 
 head as a Quarter Sessions, and him as slip- 
 pery as an eel in a running sthrame." 
 
 " Arrah, thin ! if ye can't keep a hoult of 
 him," rejoined the dame, '' why don't you 
 smash him wid the beatle.^ The divil's luck 
 to yer manners, to thrate a brute baste with 
 politeness, and keep a lady waiting to stuff him 
 with a praty pudding." 
 
 The dwarf disappeared upon the hint — 
 there was a short silence — the heavy fall of a 
 
 ^ Abeatle is an instrument made like our cricket-bat, used, 
 in Ireland and Scotland, for ^vashing clothes. 
 
262 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 club sounded anon ; then followed the wild 
 despairing qua-a-a-k 
 
 " Of some strong gander in his agony ; " 
 
 and all was again still. The fastidious in gas- 
 tronomy will probably regard with disrelish 
 this catastrophe of our gander. 
 
 I do not profess much skill in the science, 
 but this I know, that I disposed of a couple of 
 his legs, who had '^ as many thricks in his head 
 as a Quarter Sessions," and found the limbs 
 repose as tranquilly in their premature mauso- 
 leum as such things generally do. 
 
 On the following morning my companion 
 left me, his route lying beyond the Shannon, 
 which he was to cross at Athlone. My course 
 tending north-west, soon after noon I ascended 
 the box of the Longford coach, as the best 
 means of compassing a portion of my journey. 
 
 While I loitered about, consuming a cigar, 
 and the time that intervened between break- 
 fast and the arrival of my conveyance, I fell 
 into company with another idle fellow, also 
 lounging in the precincts of the inn, and, like 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S IJFE. 263 
 
 myself, doing battle with the enemy. From 
 him I learned some pleasant particulars of the 
 " driver," into whose hands I was to entrust 
 my safe conduct. 
 
 **Misther Ryan," said my informant, *'is 
 intirely oncommon in respect of licker : bad 
 luck to the bit, but he'll carry as much under 
 his waiskit as would dhrown many a one who 
 purtinds to dhrink. It was ounly last week 
 that he dined wid the officers quartered at 
 Longford, and, after seeing them one by one 
 dhrop under the table, he warmed the wine 
 that was in him wid two-and-thirty tum^blers 
 of punch, and then walked home comfortable 
 on his hands and knees." 
 
 With what a lavish prodigality has nature 
 scattered her riches among the golden valleys 
 that spread, in matchless luxuriance, over 
 every district of this country ! Yet here, where 
 tree and shrub revel in beauty and fragrance 
 — where the soft western shower sheds ver- 
 dure on the hills, and clothes the teeming 
 plains with primrose and violet — here is 
 man to be seen in a state of moral and social 
 
264 HYDEMARSTON; OR, 
 
 debasement, without parallel in the civilized 
 world ! 
 
 Such reflections are out of place here ; but 
 I cannot help thera. My blood boils as I recal 
 the condition in which I have looked upon my 
 fellow-creature in that unhappy land. Ireland ! 
 Ireland ! think upon what your sons inight be, 
 and what they are ! . . 
 
 Instead of keeping the high road from Dub- 
 lin to Sligo, and then taking the line of coast 
 for Donegal, whither I was bound, I turned off 
 at Longford for Granard, with the design of 
 making my passage through the wild mountain 
 ranofes of Leitrim and Cavan. A more deso- 
 late region can hardly be conceived. I stood 
 upon the battle-field, where the latest effort 
 was made to plant the lily of France in the 
 land of the shamrock, and, far as eye could 
 reach, all was one wilderness of moor and 
 mountain. Neither tree nor habitation fit for 
 the abode of man was to be seen ; and when, 
 from some burrow, behind a ditch, a human 
 being did appear, it was in a guise that was a 
 disgrace to a Christian community. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. Q65 
 
 The district was very populous — indeed, so 
 is the whole of Leitrim — and yet I was assured 
 that, until within the five or six years preced- 
 ing, there was not a bookseller's shop in the 
 entire county. Wild and savage as the scene 
 was, one of the marks of civilization had found 
 its way there ; the game was preserved with a 
 rigour unknown to the most despotic of our 
 lattue promoters. It consisted solely of grouse 
 and hares ; but these, particularly the latter, 
 swarmed in prodigious multitudes. 
 
 The *' great man " for whose pleasure this 
 care was undergone was Viscount Forbes, heir 
 to the Earl of Granard, both, father and son, 
 since gathered to their ancestors. Our Vis- 
 count, like little Spado in the play, though of 
 minor physical pretensions, was a leviathan in 
 soul; and, as regarded beasts and birds of 
 venery, one whose system was a pure despot- 
 ism. I had a notable sample of this when near 
 to the mountain hamlet of Drumlish. My ter- 
 rier had scampered on before the chaise, and 
 returned with his tail between his legs, bristles 
 erect, and similar evidences of something un- 
 
 VOL. I. N 
 
^66 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 toward in the wind. Half a mile further on, 
 we overtook a strapping fellow, with a gun on 
 his shoulder, who, sa?is ceremonie, thus ac- 
 costed me ; — 
 
 '^ You must keep your dog up, or you'll 
 have him shot : my directions are to destroy 
 all dogs found upon these roads, unless they 
 are tied up." 
 
 " Indeed !" said I. '* And pray, friend, who 
 may you happen to be, and whence do your 
 truculent orders issue?" 
 
 " I'm James Macdermot, keeper to Lord 
 Forbes, and those are his lordship's instruc- 
 tions." 
 
 I was weak enough to speak my sentiments 
 thereon to Mr. Macdermot, who, very pro- 
 bably, as a commentary, gave coup de fusil 
 to the first unlucky cur that fell in his path. 
 
 As everything in Ireland is attributed, by 
 one party or other, to political design, it may 
 be that, to serve some purpose of church or 
 state, the rural roads were suffered to be in 
 the condition in which I found them. At all 
 events, if the object were to interdict internal 
 
A sportsman's life. 267 
 
 communication, human ingenuity could not 
 have hit upon a plan so adapted to the end 
 as that upon which the by-wajs were sup- 
 posed to be constructed and repaired ; which 
 was in this wise : — A landed proprietor, hav- 
 ing certain dissolute tenants in heavy arrear 
 of rent, causes it to be discovered that the 
 means of passage from one particular point 
 on his estate to another would be a great pub- 
 lic convenience ;, forthwith, a '' presentment " 
 is made at the assizes, and, as each grand juror 
 supports the jobs of the whole (that his own 
 little affairs may be treated with similar cour- 
 tesy), the question passes '' nem, con.'' Now, 
 as the formation of the road is left to the 
 conscience of " certain dissolute parties" as 
 aforesaid, its construction at all is problema- 
 tical ; that it is of the worst possible descrip- 
 tion is matter of course. This is no affair, 
 however, of the landed proprietor ; his object 
 being to get an affidavit that the work is 
 done and completed ; and in that he is not 
 disappointed. The affidavit, backed by the 
 overseer (the " driver," or bailiff of the 
 
 N 2 
 
268 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 estate), is laid before the grand inquest, and 
 an order for the amount duly issues. This the 
 landlord presents to his friend, the treasurer 
 of the county, who pays it in cash, or by a bill 
 at six months (for the treasurer, being a great 
 dealer in cattle, turns the county money to 
 account at the spring fairs) ; and such is the 
 history of Irish ways and means. 
 
 The Granard postboy made but one stage 
 of the six or seven and twenty Irish miles to 
 Mohill, where chaises were among the things 
 that were not ; '* but sure Paddy Hart had 
 an elegant jaunting-car, would take my honour 
 brave and soon to Drumshambo." From the 
 latter place they contrived to transport me to 
 Drumkerin, a sort of Hottentot kraal, where 
 I was obliged to heave-to for provisions. 
 There, in a wretched hovel, the solitary house 
 of entertainment, I discovered a lieutenant 
 of the line, and his pretty young English 
 wife, who told me mine was the first form, in 
 an entire suit of clothes (barring their own 
 rank and file), they had seen for fifteen 
 months. The Hibernian received me with his 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 2(39 
 
 country's cordiality : the poor girl's eyes filled 
 at the first sound of my voice ; and, as the ac- 
 cents of her father-land continued to fall upon 
 her ear, I verily believe she had fallen upon 
 the speaker's neck, but for the presence of 
 monsieur le mari. 
 
 As it was still some dozen miles to Manor 
 Hamilton, where I purposed passing the night, 
 I took a more abrupt farewell of the exiles 
 than I could have wished. He was a frank, 
 spirited fellow ; not overburdened with brains, 
 but with just enough (considering the casket 
 that contained them was surmounted by a 
 plume of feathers) to turn the head of a girl 
 of sixteen. I wonder if it was the purple sun- 
 set that filled me with such tender musings 
 as I journeyed towards Manor Hamilton ? 
 
 A few miles inland from the point where 
 the counties of Donegal and Leitrim meet on 
 the shore of the Atlantic, is Loch Melville, on 
 the banks of which stood the seat of the friend 
 whose invitation had led me so far west. The 
 national '' hundred thousand welcomes" hailed 
 me ere the threshold was passed. 
 
270 HYDE MARSTON; OR, 
 
 " Mr. Marston," said the lady of the man- 
 sion, " you must lose no time at your toilette 
 — we dine in half an hour — all the world and 
 his wife are to be here in the evening." 
 
 Who talks of Irish prudery ? Here, by the 
 side of a solitary lake, in the wilds of Con- 
 naught, I witnessed as much done in sighs, 
 glances, whispers, and the like, at one ball, 
 as would have stocked May Fair for a season. 
 " Le brave parmi les braves,^' in that Paphian 
 siege, was the young and handsome Captain 
 C , whose brother long held a distin- 
 guished position in the household of a royal 
 duchess. 
 
 On the following morning, as I strolled by 
 the lake, he overtook me, rod in hand ; his 
 spirits, if possible, more brilliant than on the 
 preceding night. 
 
 *' I'm for an onslaught against the gillaroo 
 trout," said he; " splendid fellows, as long 
 as one's leg, and with gizzards as big as one's 
 hat ; but they're plaguy shy. By Jove, how 
 lucky ! here's a boat." 
 
 Now this boat, bleached on the shore of 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 271 
 
 the lake by twenty summer suns, was as much 
 suited for navigation as a sieve. But remon- 
 strance was vain. 
 
 " There's no fear," said he, launching, and 
 pushing off with the branch of a tree ; '' you'll 
 see what sport I shall have." 
 
 His eye beamed wildly — he was soon some 
 distance from the shore — I watched him in- 
 tently — when, quick as thought, his frail bark 
 disappeared, and the waters closed over the 
 young soldier for ever ! 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 IRELAND IN lS2l^co7iclnded. 
 
 " It's a folly to fret" — A Moore-ish girl — A feast that 
 knows no end — Loch Melville woodcocks — Ballyshannon 
 Falls, where " the trout and salmon do play backgammon" 
 — How to slip through an act of Parliament — An Irish 
 Crichton — Two of a trade can never agree— A watering- 
 place and race — The metropolis once more — The royal visit, 
 but not the royal visitor. 
 
 N 5 
 
" If noble princes, from foreign places, 
 Should chance to visit the Irish shore, 
 
 Oh ! sure it's there that they would be feasted, 
 As often heroes have been before." 
 
 Ballad of Sweet Castle Hyde 
 
 " folle per lui 
 
 Tutto il mondo si fa. Perisca Amore, 
 E saggio ognun sara." 
 
 Metastasio. 
 
 " Oh ! place, oh ! form ; 
 How often dost thou with thy case, thy habit, 
 Wrench awe from fools, and tie the wiser souls 
 To thy false seeming !" 
 
 Measure for Measure. 
 
HYDE MARSTON. 275 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Such an event, it will easily be supposed, 
 threw gloom and melancholy over a party, 
 whose first scene of pleasure was visited by 
 so awful a catastrophe. But the folly of 
 fretting is an axiom, in support of which the 
 practice of every man, woman, and child, from 
 the Giant's Causeway to the Old Head of Kin- 
 sale, might be quoted as examples. 
 
 By degrees the clouds that lowered upon 
 our company cleared away; and though I am 
 satisfied all felt in a manner creditable to their 
 humanities, they presently ceased to exhibit 
 any palpable evidences of grief. 
 
 Truly, as beautifully, has Gray poured forth 
 his melodious lament, that many a flower is 
 
276 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 born to bloom unseen — unseen, save through 
 the senseless film, the caitiff cataract of a 
 gaping clown, and lavishing a treasury of love- 
 liness on a crew of savages, in bitter satire 
 denominated " country gentlemen." 
 If ever there were 
 
 " Cheeks that would shame the morning's break, 
 And lips that might for redness make 
 Roses look pale beside them," 
 
 they w^ere those that gave magic to the smiles 
 
 of Martha C ne. Her eyes — I will say 
 
 nothing about her eyes — neither of her form 
 (moulded by the Loves, and moved by the 
 Graces) ; nor of those glorious raven tresses, 
 which, while they shaded, added deeper charms 
 to the alabaster paradise whereon they re- 
 posed. 
 
 I hold my peace about these, lest some ma- 
 levolent reader — all authors are exposed to 
 the hazard of misinterpretation — might sup- 
 pose that they had more interest for me than 
 I was entitled to take in them, as a philo- 
 sopher of Nature. We danced together, and 
 I felt, as she floated through the mazes of the 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 277 
 
 quadrille, that Camilla was, of necessity, no 
 being of fable; we waltzed together, and I 
 felt — bat I had rather not state what I felt 
 when we waltzed together. 
 
 There is one peculiarity attending Irish so- 
 ciety in general, and country parties in par- 
 ticular; namely, that while one feast, or fete, 
 is under discussion, another is being^ arrano-ed. 
 From morning till night, and from night till 
 morning, we did nothing but junket : how we 
 bore it was a miracle. Girls, as ethereal as 
 sylphides, did more hard labour than would 
 have turned a parish of ploughmen to dust ; 
 while men and youths impersonated perpetual 
 motion, whereof the medium of action was 
 animal spirits — and whisky. 
 
 The scene of all this festivity was as sylvan 
 a spot as can be imagined. The house, a villa 
 on a large scale, was replete with a fair share 
 of comfort, and abounded in the appliances of 
 hospitality. It was situated on a lawn of 
 resplendent green, washed by the bright wa- 
 ters of Loch Melville, while behind, and on 
 either side, spread magnificent woods of oak. 
 
578 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 In these, at the beginning of winter, owing to 
 their proximity to the Atlantic, muster flocks 
 of woodcocks, of which we have no examples 
 in England. My host told me (without put- 
 ing any emphasis on the achievement) that the 
 last day he was out, in three hours, he bagged 
 two-and-twenty couples to his own gun. 
 
 The surrounding mountains of Donegal, Ca- 
 van, and Leitrim, were populous with grouse, 
 and, happily for me — seeing it was as yet but 
 July — the waters were by no means without 
 tenants. The lake in front of the house was 
 well supplied with the giliaroo trout, the taste 
 
 for which cost poor C his life ; and Loch 
 
 Erne, but a few miles distant, offered the best 
 salmon-fishing in Ireland. This magnificent 
 sheet of water is dotted with fairy islets, laid 
 out by the hand of Nature for feastings and 
 flirtings «Z/7'^5co; and, if the general practice 
 might be estimated by the example which we 
 furnished, their arrangements had not been 
 made in vain. 
 
 Every fisherman has heard of the salmon 
 leap at the falls of Ballyshannon, where the 
 
A sportsman's life. 279 
 
 waters of the Erne throw themselves into the 
 Atlantic. The fish are taken with the fly in 
 the still stream, above the falls ; and there, at 
 a lovely little retreat, called Laputa, I spent 
 some of the pleasantest hours associated with 
 my reminiscences of the angle. The great 
 fishery, where the salmon are netted in the 
 weirs, is below the falls, and, at the period I 
 write of, was farmed by one Dr. Sheill, who 
 cured both fish and flesh, and scorned not to 
 put his hand to anything that turned the 
 penny. 
 
 The winter of 1820-1 had been unusually 
 mild in the west of Ireland, and when spring 
 should bring the luscious fish to the doctor's 
 nets, it became manifest there would be no 
 means of preserving them for transportation 
 to the great markets. Our doctor was no 
 sooner aware of this, than he chartered a 
 vessel of some two or three hundred tons, and 
 straightway despatched it to the North Seas. 
 The bark duly returned, after as many ice- 
 bergs had been captured as it could conve- 
 niently stow away, but the collector of customs 
 
280 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 would not permit the freight to be landed un- 
 til the duty was paid. Now, no cargo of the 
 kind had ever before entered the port, and, as 
 the Bally shannon tariff contained no sliding 
 scale, reference was made to the Commis- 
 sioners of Customs in Dublin, and those func- 
 tionaries, being in doubt, again referred the 
 question to the authorities in London. 
 
 In this state the affair remained, when, one 
 broiling July day, I was introduced to the 
 doctor, who stood upon the quay while his 
 irreparable chattels were pouring through the 
 scuttles of a brig moored alongside. 
 
 Drops of agony stood upon his forehead ; 
 tears Avere in his eyes ; poor fellow, he was 
 melted, and so was his ice! At the end of a 
 month, when the merchandize had 
 
 " Thawed and resolved itself into a dew," 
 
 instructions were received that it might be 
 " landed;" it had already watered itself. 
 
 During these rambles, our party was fre- 
 quently joined by a remarkably handsome 
 roue-\ooVmg personage, with coal-black mous- 
 taches, and eyes as bright and mischievous as 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 281 
 
 the tiger's. He was a lieutenant on half-pay 
 of the 10th Hussars; rode ruthlessly; would 
 have gone down Niagara with Scott, or up the 
 Junoffrau for a morninpr louno^e. He shot, 
 fished, swam, and skated, better than any 
 other man in the province ; in short, he was a 
 rural Crichton : second to none, save in a duel, 
 in which he would be second to any one. 
 
 His name was A , or rather " Kit" 
 
 A , for the prenomen was never omitted : 
 
 the enfant chert of his neighbourhood, and 
 probably as finished a specimen of the wild 
 Irishman of condition as these degenerate 
 times have produced. Although generally 
 courteous, with a joke for all people and all 
 occasions, he affected my society more than 
 that of any individual of the company, and 
 seemed solicitous of detaching me from all 
 others, and engrossing me to himself. His 
 horses were at my service ; his escort, when 
 I felt inclined to angle ; and his suggestions, 
 in every case where his local knowledge or 
 experience promised in any way to forward 
 my objects. 
 
282 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 I was no churl to baulk or reject kindness ; 
 so I rode his stud, every individual of it, and 
 we did not spare them. If there was a wall 
 stiffer at one spot than another, or a drain 
 wider or worse at taking off in one place than 
 another, over these ** Kit" shewed the way, 
 and I, as in politeness bound, followed him. 
 Trout we compassed by scaling precipices and 
 descending into gullies of mountain streams, 
 where the foot of man had never before ven- 
 tured ; and, finally, he proposed that we should 
 assist ourselves to a sample of young eagles, 
 by robbing a nest in the face of a cliff, about 
 as accessible as the balcony of the monument 
 from the footpath on Fish Street Hill. 
 
 Now, eager as I was for adventure, and 
 facile of persuasion, this latter proposition 
 " brought me up," as the sailors say, " all 
 standing ;" so, over our wine in the evening, 
 I opened my mind on the subject to my host. 
 
 *' Not a bad sort of fellow in the main that 
 friend of yours with the moustaches," said I, 
 *^ but somewhat too much disposed to vice in 
 general, and to break my neck in particular. 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 283 
 
 I have come to the conclusion that his desire 
 is to bring me to a violent end." 
 
 " There cannot be a doubt of it," replied 
 my entertainer, helping himself, and request- 
 ing me to pass the decanters : " he has had 
 
 his eye on your attentions to Martha C ne, 
 
 and has never made a secret of his determina- 
 tion to put an end to any man that might 
 cross him in that quarter. Everybody here, 
 as well as myself, was aware that he had 
 marked you out, from the night of your ar- 
 rival." 
 
 I felt, for an instant, the sensation one ex- 
 periences in passing quickly from a warm and 
 cheerful room into the dark, damp cold of a 
 winter's night. It lasted, however, hut a mo- 
 ment ; so, taking up the spirit of the society 
 into which I was thrown, I continued — 
 
 " Well, as there is no mystery between us, 
 I may as well declare to you my intentions 
 with respect to him. I have come to a reso- 
 lution to drown Lieutenant A in the 
 
 course of this week or the next, as the state 
 of the tide may make it most convenient. 
 
^^84 
 
 I'll trouble you for a few of those straw- 
 berries." 
 
 Preparations had been for some time in 
 progress for a public breakfast at the village 
 of Bundoran, a pretty little watering-place on 
 the adjacent coast. The day was very pro- 
 pitious ; and as our party descended from the 
 carriage at the door of the hotel, there, loung- 
 ing on the steps, stood A , to be gratified 
 
 by the sight of his mistress supporting her- 
 self on my arm, to ascend them. He bowed 
 — we entered — and I presently returned and 
 joined him. 
 
 '' Awfully warm," said I, '' hot enough to 
 grill one ; what say you to a bath before we 
 begin business? the tide serves admirably." 
 
 " With all my heart," was the answer, '^ a 
 capital move ;" and we departed in friendly 
 community towards the shore. 
 
 The broad waters of the Atlantic, as if 
 studded with diamonds, sapphires, and eme- 
 ralds, sparkled far as the distant horizon be- 
 fore us, as we prepared for our bath. We 
 w^ere soon breasting the bright ripples which, 
 
A sportsman's life. 285 
 
 breaking in dreamy stillness upon the beach, 
 marked the advance of the tide with a line of 
 white foam that 
 
 " Scarcely surpassed the froth of your champagne." 
 
 My adversary, (for he had not made a dozen 
 strokes when it became manifest to me he was 
 bent on mischief) was a fine swimmer, aufait 
 to the art, and possessing uncommon power 
 and buoyancy in the water. With lusty 
 vigour, he stood out gallantly to sea, while I 
 watched his progress and purpose in a spirit 
 that put thews and sinews to the test. 
 
 I could swim well ; better than all with 
 whom I had previously tried my pretension ; 
 and consequently, with the advantage that con- 
 fidence always bestows, like a jockey in a 
 waiting race, I lay close to him, with the con- 
 viction that I could go by at my pleasure. 
 Away we stretched, neither speaking a word, 
 fast as arms could ply ; and eager and elastic 
 boundings win for us a passage. Once I threw 
 a glance back, and felt my heart beat quicker 
 
286 ' HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 as the indistinctness of objects on the land 
 told how far we had left it behind. 
 
 The stream of flood, too, setting with great 
 rapidity to the southward, had carried us 
 much below the point from which we started ; 
 still we held our way silently, and with the 
 quiet energy of those who, having taken a 
 desperate resolution, were as desperately car- 
 rying it out. 
 
 From a window of the hotel, two or three 
 men were following our course with their te- 
 lescopes, as I afterwards learnt. Once or 
 twice, a hurried exclamation escaped them, 
 as the distance that separated us from the 
 shore was rapidly increased, and at length 
 each began to express his feelings and his 
 fears. 
 
 My host was the first to break silence. 
 " What are those two fools about," he began, 
 in an uneasy tone : " surely — bless my soul ! 
 — surely, that Englishman never can mean to 
 
 . Good God ! I hardly see their heads. 
 
 Impossible — drown a companion — but. Lord 
 save me ! — can any body see them now ? — 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 287 
 
 Where are the two little black spots ? I can 
 make out nothing. Oh ! it's horrible !" 
 
 *' Here they come," cried the best look-out 
 of the party ; " they're making for home ; but 
 the tide will carry them as low as the bridge 
 of Bund rows : let us go." 
 
 About the time that our friends on shore 
 began to converse, the silence of those afloat 
 was first broken. 
 
 ** By Heaven ! I can 7iot shake him off." 
 
 A muttered to himself, '' He swims 
 
 stronger than I do : stronger ? there is no 
 strenofth left in me." 
 
 " Come," said I, " this is going too far; 
 let us make for shore : the result of this con- 
 test shall be a secret that I will never di- 
 vulge." 
 
 " You have saved my life," was the reply, 
 with which he turned his face to the land; 
 " these weaves should have covered me for 
 ever, sooner than I would have had it known 
 that you had beaten me." 
 
 The return was effected ; but even now the 
 memory of the wild death-struggle with which 
 
288 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 one, at least, accomplished it, sends the blood 
 back to my heart. We joined the breakfast 
 party, but not in the mood characteristic of 
 either. 
 
 I remained on the banks of Loch Melville 
 till the middle of August, and no day arrived 
 
 of which A did not pass the greater part 
 
 with me. He had a fine heart, but, with 
 sorrow I say it, hopelessly, irrecoverably, 
 " warped to wrong." He wooed and won the 
 maiden so nearly the unconscious heroine of 
 a tragedy ; but their lives were not happy. 
 Their story was a sad one ; its moral, plain, 
 and peremptory : who would make account of 
 a life, wherein youth, beauty, love, and ease, 
 could not secure happiness for their possessor ! 
 
 Leaving the prospects of grouse-shooting 
 behind me, I returned to the metropolis. All 
 were on the qui vive in anticipation of the 
 visit of George the Fourth. The streets 
 seemed as if some vast masquerade was being 
 celebrated. Here you met a dandy with the 
 skirts of his coat suspended, as it were, from 
 his shoulder-blades, and the abdominal pro- 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 289 
 
 minence of his " cossacks" giving to his per- 
 son the appearance of one '* as ladies wish to 
 be who love their lords;" and there, a savage 
 from the deserts of Connemara, or the wild 
 isles of Arran, naked and natural as it had 
 pleased Providence to make him. 
 
 Even at Goulding's auction, matters were 
 strictly in keeping. There was Goulding him- 
 self, with his nose advanced from pink to pur- 
 ple, and Barney, as usual, '' oiling a screw ;" 
 the steed with double the ordinary quid of 
 ginger beneath his tail, and the rider with 
 thrice his usual allowance of whisky under 
 his waistcoat. I felt, as the scene passed 
 before me, as one does on a first visit to 
 Bedlam, 
 
 At length the royal visitor was announced 
 to have taken his departure from the Welsh 
 coast, and, en masse, all Ireland hastened to 
 Dunleary (since named Kingstown) to give 
 him welcome. I was invited to witness the 
 arrival, on board a cutter, commanded by a 
 son of Sir John Read — Lieutenant Read — 
 who had the custody of the moorings prepared 
 
 VOL. I. o 
 
590 HYDE MARSTON ; OR, 
 
 for the royal yachts, and commanded the crew 
 of the royal barge. 
 
 There never was so pleasant a dinner dis- 
 cussed in old Neptune's dominions. There 
 were the syren Stephens, on her proper do- 
 main; her cousin of the silver notes, Miss 
 Johnstone; Duruset, who sang like a bird 
 escaped from a cage ; and a colony of ultra 
 good ones. But the king came not, having 
 shaped his course for Howth ; so, the feast 
 concluded, the royal barge, steered by Read in 
 full dress, with his fore-and-aft hat mounted, 
 and the rowers, in state costume, was ordered 
 alongside, to put us ashore. 
 
 As we approached the jetty, the anxious 
 crowds upon it at once recognised the royal 
 set-out. Deafening shouts from ten thousand 
 brazen throats hailed our approach. The hint 
 was, in an instant, taken by our gleesome 
 company ; a boat-cloak was thrown around 
 me, and a travelling- cap upon my head. We 
 reached the shore ; all arose as I passed 
 majestically to the landing-place; and then,, 
 having themselves also landed, they walked 
 
A SPORTSMAN'S LIFE. 291 
 
 backwards up the slip. Cheers rent the em- 
 pyrean : Duruset bowed to the earth ; the 
 Stephens made obeisances at which the Graces 
 might have blushed ; in half an hoar all Dub- 
 lin rang with the arrival of the king ! ! ! 
 
 Such was my last scene in Ireland in 1821. 
 
 END OF VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 V SHOBERI,, JUN., 51, HUPRRT STHEKT, HAYMAUKET, 
 
 PRINTER TO H.R.H. PRINCE ALBERT. 
 
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