The person charging this material ;s re- sponsible for its return on or before the Latest Date stamped below. Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from the University. University of Illinois Library ■TJC 1 4 13 MAR MAY 17 !9T 16 !970 JUh -3 197 'O i P-i m r 2 7 SEC 2 B 1 ll / DEC ! SEP 1 \ AUS 1 S 1983 JU. 25 1583 CCT 973 1 1983 0 21983 o 78 Efg 1 1 Ftp 2 5 1985 m 5 mm to L161— 0-1096 NUTS TO CRACK TRY ONE YOU CAN CRACK THEM WITH YOUR HEAD, AND THE THINNER YOUR SKULL THE BETTER. A WHETSTONE FOR DULL WITS Fhe Popular ‘‘Riddle Book k 1 FOUR HUNDRED NEW AND SELECTED RIDDLES J. M. TRUITT. Publisher and Distributor, NO. HE. TAYLOR ST., CHICAGO, ILL. i i ** FIFTEENTH EDITION, 1903. INTRODUCTION. From my childhood I have been fond of making guessing riddles. My most intelligent friends have urged me to write a riddle book. So here it is. If any reader thinks that this is child’s play, just t hand or your head on a few of these nuts and see if you find good meat, even for your superior mind. I gi\ simple and easy riddles for children, but none of them or silly, and all are to the point; I only give such ric can be guessed. Many of them were prepared by 1 minds in ancient and modern times. I introduce this < mine to you as your after-dinner companion, and a jol fellow to take with you to evening parties. What is the a Riddle Book? It makes you think and makes you and, therefore, makes you better. Copyright. 1902 BY GEORGE SCHORB. IK/' 'scK G ^ Four Hundred Riddles 2- Which is the greatest riddle? A. Life, for we all have to give it up, 2- Which is the greatest number? A. Number one, oneself. 2- Which is the best place to hold the World’s Fair? A. On your heart; the fair one’s. 2. Why was Columbus a very dissipated man, according ro Mark Twain? A. He has been on a bust four hundred years. Q. What is the best time to study the book of nature? * A. When autumn turns the leaves. Q. Three of us in six, and five of us in seven, four of us in nine and six in eleven? A. Letters. Q. What creature has many trunks? ' A; A woman, when traveling. Q. What smells the most in a drug store? ^ A. The nose. Q. Why does a tall man eat less than a short one? i A. He makes a little go a long ways. Q. What class of people in America have no legs? A. Women; they have limbs. Q. When a prudish young lady has occasion to speak of a legacy, what should she call it? A. Limb-acy. Q. Which are the safest banks, the best stock and the most profitable shares? A. The farmer’s earth banks; livestock and plowshares, for they are the source of all wealth. 3 4 2 . What would be the best epitaph for a gamblei? A. Waiting for the last trump. Q. Why is the 12 150 train the hardest to catch? A. It is ten to one if you catch it. Q. Why is the clock the most modest piece of furniture in the house? A. It covers its face with its hands and runs itself down. Q. I saw a duck swimming in the pond and a dog sitti n$ on its tail. A. The dog sat on his own tail on the shore. Q. How can you change a pumpkin into a squash? A. Throw it up and it will come down a squash. Q. How can you always have what you please? A. If you will be pleased with what you have. Q. Teacher said, “Sonny, give me a word that rhyr.iei with boy?” A. He said girl. A true poet. "Q. Why do blind men so often marry blind women’ A. Because love is blind. Q. Why is money like a whip? A. Because money makes the mare go. Q. The king's fool offended him and was condemned t death; the king said, “You have been a good fool, so I will 1 1 you choose the manner of your death.” What mode do yy think he chose? A. I choose to die of old age. Q. Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet? A. She has little on 'er in her own country. Q. Victor Hugo said, “Man was the riddle of the eigh, J eenth century.” But what is the riddle of the nineteenth ce ^ tury? A. Woman, we can’t guess her, but we’ll never give h< U P- Q. Who is more to be admired than a promising younj man? A. A paying one. 5 Q. When a fast young man says, “I think I had better marry and settle down/’ what would you advise instead? A. Better stay single and settle up. ^Q. Which one of the children does the mother love best? A. Always the absent one. Q. What is the difference between an apple and a girl? A. You have to squeeze the apple to get cider, but you have to get sid'er to squeeze her. Q. What man has his eyes in the back of his head? A. The man whose hind sight is better than his foresight. Q. What man is born with three hands? A. The man who gets a right hand, a left hand and a lit- tle behind hand. Q. What man has a thousand hands? A. The man who employs a thousand men. Q. White and black and red all over? A. A newspaper. Q. A farmer had twenty sick sheep and one of them died. Hew many had he left? A. Nineteen. In giving this riddle speak the word sick so quickly that it will sound like six. Q. Why do white sheep eat more than black ones? A. There are more of them. Q. If you call a sheep's tail a leg, how many legs will he have? A. Four anyhow. Q. Down south the mosquitoes are so large that a good many of them weigh a pound; and they sit on the logs and bark when people go by. A. A great many taken together weigh a pound, and they sit on the bark. Q. Why does a hen give you more corn than she eats? A. For every kernel she gives a peck. Q. Why is a drunkard's nose red? A. Red is the signal of danger. Q. How many bushels of earth can you take out of a hole that is three feet square and three feet deep? 6 A. None. It had all been taken out. -Q. Why is a horse like a stick of candy ? A. The faster you lick it the faster it goes. Q. Why do you always put on your left shoe last: A. When you have put one on the other is left. Q. Tell me the name of the oldest whistler in the world, and what tune did he whistle? A. The wind whistling “Over the hills and far away. ’’ Q. Why is a pretty girl like a blacksmith’s apron? A. She receives many sparks. Q. Why is a man climbing a volcano like an Irishman try- ing to kiss a girl? A. He is trying to get at the crater’s mouth. Q. Why does a dog wear more clothes in summer than in winter? A. In winter he wears a coat; in summer he wears a coat and pants. (He pants.) Q. I tremble at each breath of air and yet can heaviest burdens bear? A. Water. Q. What must a crank have, to be of any use? A. A balance wheel. Q. How can you always have friends? A. If you make them. Q. Why did all the widowers worship the ground that £ certain widow walked on? A. Because the ground was her farm and they wanted it. Q. Why was the death of John Huss, who was burned atj the stake, preferable to that of Charles I, who was beheaded j A. A hot steak is better than a cold chop. Q. Why does the average preacher need no umbrella ii going to his church on a rainy Sunday? A. He will be dry when he gets into the pulpit. "~Q. When the girl was asked why she married a one-arme? man, what do you think she said? A. She said two-armed men are so common, and I do no want a common man. 1 7 Q When was beef the highest that it has ever been? A. When the cow jumped over the moon. Q. How do we know that the cow jumped over the moon? A. By the Milky-way. Q. What is the greatest lancing operation in the United States? A. Lansing, Michigan. Q. For what class of men is the road never wide enough? A. Drunkard. Q. What does the worthy man think is more blessed to give than to receive? A. Kicks, pills and advice. Q. Why is' the United States government not going to have bayonets any longer in the army? A. They are long enough. '"■'Q. What common thing is very uncommon? A. Common-sense. Q. Why is a scrupulous temperance man apt to break his pledge? A. Three scruples make a dram. Q. What class of people are wax and marble? A. Children. Wax to receive an impression and marble to retain it. Q. Why do the cyclones in Kansas blow away so few houses? A. The houses are held down by heavy mortgages. Q. When a Kansas house is blown away, what is left? A. The mortgage. Q. Why is a fashionable woman not wholly made by Providence? A. “Providence shapes her ends, ” but corsets shape her middle. Q. Why is a mischievous boy like a bottle of patent med- icine? A. When taken, must be well shaken. Q. When were the English people poor judges of cattle? A. When the Pope sent a bull and they thought it a bore (boar). Q. Three parts of a cross and a circle complete, Two semi-circles a perpendicular meet, A triangle standing on two feet, Two semi-circles and a circle complete? A. TOBACCO. T is three parts of a cross, etc. Q. Why are people very generous when they hear a ser- mon? A. They give it all away. Q. A man went to the top of his barn to catch a stork that had a nest there ; while he was on the roof the ladder fell to the ground. What is his easiest way to get down? A. He can pick down from the stork. Q. Why is falling in love like catching the measles? A. The older you are when it happens, the harder it goes wi|h you. ^Q. Which is the largest room in the world? A. Room for improvement. *Q. Why is a roo: . full of married people an empty room? A. There is not a single person in it. Q. When is a man where he is not? A. When he is beside himself. Q. On what side of the mug is the handle? A. Outside. Q. Captain Cook made three voyages around the world, and he was killed in one of these voyages. In which voyage was he killed? A. Last one. Q. What is it that has two hands, one tail, four legs on one side and two on the other? A. A woman on horseback. Q. A boy said to his sister, “I saw something down town that would tickle you. ” “Oh!” she said, “was it a monkey?” “No. M “Was it a dancing bear?” “No. It was 99 A. Some straw. nQ. Why is a colt like an egg? A. It must be broken before it can be used. % ^Q. What does a man see every day that God never sees? A. His equal. 9 Q. When a man scalds his hand, what three authors does he mention? A. Dickens, Howitt, Burns. Q. If one man carries a sack of flour and another man carries two sacks, who has the heavier load? A. A sack of flour is heavier than two empty sacks. (The one that carries the sack of flour.) Q. How many peas in a pint? A. One p. Q. What is better than an idea? A. You dea\ Q. Where was Moses when the light went out? j A. In the dark. , Q. Why was Pharaoh’s daughter like the Wall street mer- v chants? A. She found a little prophet in rushes on the bank. Q. Why is the end of a dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? A. It is the part that is farthest from the bark? Q. If there are five birds on a tree and a hunter kills two of them and they fall down, how many are left in the tree? A. None — the rest flew away. Q. What is the difference between a dollar bill and a sil- ver quarter? A. Seventy-five cents. Q. Thirty white horses on a red hill, now they tramp, now they stand still. A. The teeth ; when you stop talking, they stop. Q. Which was the largest island before Australia was dis covered? A. Australia. Q. My first two are what Gladstone wants, my last two are what Gladstone hates; my whole expresses what Glad- stone is. A. Reformatory. Q. Which is proper to say, 5 and 6 is 13, or are 13? A. Neither; five and six are eleven. 10 Q. What root must you hold in your hand to stop the toothache? A. The root of the tooth that aches. Q. What makes more noise than a pig under the fence; A. Two pigs. Q. Why is the death of Socrates like a garret? A. It is an Attic story. Q. Why is spring a dangerous season? A. The trees are shooting, the flowers have pistils *nd the bull-rush is out (the bull rushes out). — Q. What animal walks on four legs in the morning cwo at noon, and three in the evening? A. Man creeps on four in the morning of life, thru >alks on two, and in the evening of life with a cane. Q. What tree has twelve branches, about thirty l aws on each branch ; which are light on one side and dar* cn the other? A. The year. Q. Of what trade was Johnie Horner? A. A plumber. Q. Why don’t the American girl like the English dude? A. A Yankee dude ’ll do. Q. A woman had five children, half of them were boys, what were the other half? A. Boys, too. Q. What state produces the most marriages? A. The state of matrimony. Q. What "state is round at both ends, and high in the middle? A. Ohio. O. If the devil should lose his tail, where would he go to get a new one? A. To the saloon ; for that is where they re-tale (retail) bad spirits. Q. When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing that he does? A. Gets wet. 11 Q. When a boy falls out of a window, what does he always fall against? A. Against his will. Q. What great corporation does Eve represent? A. Adam’s Express Company. Q. A rat finds twelve ears of corn in a basket ; he carries off three ears every night, how long does it take him to empty the basket? A. Twelve nights; he carries off one ear of corn and his own ears each night. Q. What things grow larger the more you contract them? A. Debts. Q. What is higher without the head than with the head? A. A pillow. Q. What becomes longer when you cut it at the ends? A. A ditch. Q. What most resembles the half of a cheese? A. The other half. Q. When a church is on fire, why is the organ the leaser likely to be saved? A. Because the engine cannot play on it. Q. What word comprises all the letters of the alphabet? A. Alphabet. Q. Which is the most brilliant member of the alphabet? A. The Scarlet Letter. Q. If the alphabet were going out to a party, when would the last six letters start? A. After T. Q. Before reapers were invented this riddle was popular — why is a baby like wheat? A. First it's cradled, then it’s threshed, then it becomes the flower of the family. Q. How can you ask a doctor of divinity, in one word, to play a violin? A. Fiddle-dee-dee. Q. My whole is a sea-monster. If you behead him, he be- 12 comes an American clergyman. Then, if you behead the cler- gyman, you have an English beverage. A. Whale, hale, ale. Q. Why would a man never starve in the desert of Sahara? A. Because of the sand which is there (sandwiches). Q. How do we know that there are sandwiches there? A. Because the sons of Ham were bred and mustered there. Q. My whole is a noted commentator. If you behead him he is a singing bird. If you behead the bird, you have a famous old ship. A. Clark, lark, ark. Q. Why are widows more generous than young girls? A. Because girls are looking out for number one; widows are satisfied with number two. Q. Why is a lover like a tailor? A. He presses his suit. Q. Sam Patch would go up to the tallest trees, take off his boots and jump over them. A. Over his boots. Q. How many eggs can a man eat on an empty stomach? A. None; when he begins to eat his stomach is no longer empty. Q. Of what trade are all the presidents? A. Cabinet makers. Q. Why does a preacher have an easier time than a doctor or lawyer? A. Easier to preach than practice. - Q. What is the best thing to put into pies? A. Your teeth. Q. Why is a slanderer like a bed-bug? A. He is a backbiter. Q. Why is a side-saddle like a four-quart jug? A, It holds a gal’on. Q. Which country ought to be the richest in the world? A. Ireland ; for its capital is always Dublin. Q. Which are the oldest knives and forks? 13 A. Q. A. Q. Irish? A. t>Q. A. do so. Fingers and teeth. What two animals follow you everywhere? Your calves. How do we know that Caesar was acquainted with the When he crossed the Rhine he came back to Bridg-it. Adam and Eve and Pinch me went down to the river to bathe. Adam and Eve were drowned and who do you think was saved? Pinch me. When your friend says pinch me, you must , Q. When butter is worth twenty cents a pound, what will a ton of coal come to? A. Ashes. Q. When is a door not a door? A. When it is a-jar. Q. When is a bonnet not a bonnet? A. When it becomes a nice girl. Q. When does a girl become a two-wheeled vehicle? A. When she is a little sulky. Q. When does a bed become a vehicle? A. When it is a little buggy. Q. If 32 is the freezing point where is the squeezing point? A. Two in the shade. Q. What low-born, ill-bred fellow has noble blood in him? A. A flea that bites Lords and Ladies. Q. A man asked permission of the warden to visit a pris- oner. The warden asked: “Are you related to the prisoner?” He replied: “This man’s father is my father’s son. ” What relation is he? A. He is the prisoner’s Father. Q. In what month do women talk the least? A. February (the shortest month). Q. The minister and his wife, the school-teacher and his daughter, were walking in the grove. They found a bird’s u 14 nest that contained four eggs. Each of them took out an egg and yet left one in the nest. A. There was but one lady, as the minister had married the teacher’s daughter. IQ. What must you fill a barrel with to make it lighter? A. Holes. Q. What always weighs the same, whether larger or smaller? A. A hole. Q. As I went down to St. Ives, I met seven wives, Each wife had seven sacks; Each sack, seven cats; Each cat, seven kits; Kits, cats, sacks and wives, How many went to St. Ives? A. One ; the rest came from there. A Q. Why does a negro not have the cap on his knee that a white man has? A. Because he has his own. BIOGRAPHICAL RIDDLES. The questions in the following list were not originally intended for riddles, but the riddles were suggested to my mind by the remarks of eminent men or remarks made about them: Q. When an Englishman said to Lincoln: “What was your family coat-of-arms?” he said: “ A. Shirt sleeves. Q. When a rival candidate tried to make a point against Lincoln by saying he was illiterate, in one of his letters he used a small i instead of a capital I. Lincoln promptly replied: A. The other candidates had used up all the big I’s, so I had to take one of the little ones. ~Q. When Webster and Randolph were walking on the bank of the Potomac, Randolph said: “Webster, I’ll bet you 15 a hat I can prove this side of the river is the other side. ” Webster said: “Go ahead.” How did he prove it? A. “That over there is one side of the river, isn’t it?” “Yes.” “Then this is the other side.” Another senator now approached, and Webster thought he would try the joke on him, so he said: “I will bet you a hat I can prove that this side of the river is the other side.” “I take you up.” “Well, this is one side?” “Certainly.” “Then that over there is the other side.” “So it is, but that was not your proposition.” “Oh!” says Webster, “let us see, how did you get that, Randolph?” Webster lost two hats; he was no hand at a joke. Franklin — Why are men and women like the two halves of a pair of scissors? A. Because they work well together, but neither works well alone. Q. When Franklin was at a banquet in Paris, the English ambassador said: “Here’s to England, the sun that enlight- ens the world. ” The French ambassador rejoined: “Here’s to France, the moon that will shine when the sun has set.” What could Franklin say? A. Here is to young Jonathan! Joshua who commanded the sun and moon to stand still, and they obeyed him. Q. Beecher — How does a lazy fellow obey the text, “Go to the ant, thou sluggard?” A. He goes to his aunt and spends the winter. Beecher — Married life should continually grow happier — just as — A. A ripe pear is sweeter than a green pear. Q. Talmage — What should be done to the man that can sing and won’t sing? A. He should be sent to Sing-sing. Q. Spurgeon — Why are some men like children’s money- boxes? A. The Almighty must break them to pieces to get any- thing out of them. Q. O. W. Holmes — When is the new birth reliable? 16 A. When the second birth precedes the first one. Q. Irving — Which is the only tool that grows sharper with use? A. The tongue. Q. When Barnum arrived at Heaven’s gate and St. Peter said: “You humbug, what show do you think you have of getting in here?” Barnum answered — A. The biggest show in the world. Q. What brief epitaph can you suggest for Ingersoll’s grave that would satisfy both friends and foes? A. Robert Burns. Q. Burdette — What man never gets excited in the political campaign? A. The carpenter, for he always keeps his spirit level. Q. This riddle and the following two were suggested by Josh Billings: Where is the best place to have a boil? A. On another fellow. Q. When any one asks your advice what should you do? A. First find out what kind of advice he wants, then give it to him. Q. He says, “I have resolved not to swear any more except — ’’ A. When I’m put under oath. Q. What American has had the largest family? A. Washington, the “Father of his Country.” "Q. Emerson — What key unlocks all doors and all hearts to you? A. Good manners. Q. Dr. Johnson — I do not believ ghosts because — A. I have seen too many of them. Q. De Quincy —When he was asked why there were more vvomen than men in the world, replied — A. We always see more of heaven than of earth. ^Q. Aristotle — There is one thing that God himself cannol change, and that is — A. Yesterday. 17 Q. Clinton B. Fisk — Was asked by an Englishman why Miss Willard was not married; he said — A. She is the matchless woman of America. Q. Fanny Fern — Why did the Pilgrim mothers endure more than the Pilgrim fathers? A. They endured all that the Pilgrim Fathers endured, and endured the Pilgrim Fathers besides. Q. When did Luther live on hard fare? A. When he was brought to the Diet of Worms. Q. When Moody was asked, “Can a man use tobacco and be a Christian,” he promptly replied — A. Yes; he can be a dirty Christian. BIBLE RIDDLES. Q. How many apples did Adam and Eve eat? A. Some say Eve 8 and Adam 2, a total of 10; others say Eve 8 and Adam 8 also, total 16; but if Eve 8 and Adam 82, the total will be 90; others reason that Eve 81 and Adam 82, total 163; no, if Eve 81 and Adam 812, the total was 893; then if Eve 81 i-st and Adam 812, the total would be 1623; or again, Eve 814 Adam, Adam 81242 oblige Eve, total 82056; though we admit Eve 814 Adam, Adam, if he 8181242 keep Eve company, total 8182056. All wrong. Eve, when she 81812 many, and probably felt sorry for it, and Adam, in order to relieve her grief, 812, therefore, Adam, if he 81814240- fy Eve’s depressed spirit, hence both ate 8^89^864 apples. Q. What did Adam first plant in the garden of Eden? A. His foot. Q. Who is the first boy mentioned in the Bible? A. Chap. I. Q. Why didn’t Adam and Eve have any molasses? A. Because they tried to raise Cain before they got Able. Q. When did the patriarch Abraham sleep five in a bed? A. When he slept with his forefathers (4 fathers). Q. When was pork first introduced into the navy? A. When Ham entered the Ark. |l 18 Q. When did the rooster crow where everybody in the world heard him? A. In the Ark. Q. How did Jonah look when he saw the whale coming to swallow him? A. He looked down at the mouth. Q. What Bible character had no parents after Adam’s time? A. Joshua, for he was the son of Nun. / Q- Who is the smallest man mentioned in the Bible? V A. Bildad, the Shu-hite (shoe-high). Q. Why are potatoes and corn like the Pharisees? A. They have eyes and see not and ears and hear not. Q. Who is the father of Zebedee’s children? A, Zebedee. Q. What words in the Bible were not spoken by God, man, angel or devil? A. The words spoken by Balaam’s ass. Q. Teacher asked the little girl what was the first thing the children of Israel did after they came through the Red Sea? A. I spect they dried themselfs. Q. Why was Paul like a horse? A. He loved Timothy. Q. According to the colored preacher, with what holy oil should every preacher be anointed? A. The isle of Patmos. . ^Q. Teacher asked the boy, Why was it very wrong for Joseph’s brothers to sell him for thirty pieces of silver? Boy said — A. They sold him too cheap. Q. Who is the first girl mentioned in the Bible? A. Genesis (Jennie-sis). 4 Q. How do we know that Adam and Eve were gamblers? A. Because they left a Paradise (a pair of dice) behind them. Q. How do we know that Peter was short? 19 A. He said, "Gold and silver have I none/ Q. Why was Joseph the straightest man in the Bible? A. Because Pharaoh made a ruler of him. Q. Teacher said: “If you multiply the number of Jacob’s sons by the number of times which the Israelites compassed Jericho, and add to the product the number of measures of barley which Boaz gave Ruth, divide this by the number of Hainan's sons, subtract the number of each kind of clean beasts that went into the ark, multiply by the number of men that went to seek Elijah after he was taken to heaven; sub- tract from this Joseph's age at the time he stood before Phar- aoh, add the number of stones in David’s bag when he killed Goliath ; subtract the number of furlongs that Bethany was distant from Jerusalem, divide by the number of anchors cast out when Paul was shipwrecked, subtract the number of per- sons saved in the ark, and the answer will be the number of scholars in my Sunday-school class. ' ’ A. Seven pupils. Q. How do we know that they had beer in the ark? A. The kangaroo went in with hops and the bear is always bruin. Q. What did Jonah think when the whale swallowed him? A. He thought he was going to blubber, but he didn’t. GOLDEN TEXTS FROM SHAKESPEARE. IN ANSWER TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. Q. Who are poor? A. How poor are they who have no patience. Q. Who are crippled? A. None is deformed but he that is unkind. Q. Who are powerful? A. Love gives to every power a double power. Q. What shines the brightest? A. How far that little candle throws its beams. So shines a good deed in a naughty world. 20 y. Who cheat themselves? A. They lose the world who buy it with much care. Q. What is worse than the bite of a snake? A. O, sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is To have a thankless child. Q. What is wine? A. O, thou invisible spirit of wine! Since I know not what name to call thee by I will call thee devil. Q. Does heaven honor a king more than a peasant? A. The sun that shines on his palace, shines on our cottage. Q. Is a man always good because he smiles? A. A man may smile and smile and be a villain. Q. Why does a villain smile? A. False face must hide what the false heart doth know. Q. Can we still have faith in goodness, when there are so many hypocrites? A. Angels are bright still, though the brightest fell. Q. What tone of voice is the most winning in a woman? A. Her voice was always soft, gentle and low, An excellent thing in women. Q. Who is a model man? A. Give me the man who is not passion’s slave And I will wear him in my heart of hearts. Q. How should we look at the world? A. Find tongue in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones and good in everything. Q. What is man? A. What a piece of work is man ! how noble In reason. How infinite in faculties! The beauty of the world! In action how like an angel ! In apprehension, how like a god! Note. — It has not been my object here to cull the bright- est gems from Shakespeare, but simply to make a little string of pearls, which will be suited to my young readers. I hope when I meet any of you, I will find you wearing- this chain about your neck; or, better still, having these texts on the end of your tongue. KISSING RIDDLES. Q. What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A. A report at headquarters. /Q. What shape is a kiss? A. Elliptical. (A lip tickle.) Q. Why are two girls kissing each other, emblems of Christianity? A. They do to one another as they would that men should do unto them. Q. Which are the sweetest kisses? A. Those that are siruptitiously obtained. Q. Why don’t a lady want a doctor to kiss her? A. Because she don’t like to have a doctor’s bill thrust in her face. Q. How do girls show their dislike for mustaches? A. By setting their faces against them. Q. What part of speech is kiss? A. A conjunction. QUESTIONS IN SCIENCE. Q. How do we know that men were evolved from the veg- etable kingdom? A. Because many of them are small potatoes still. Q. Why is the Milky Way in the sky4y A. Because the cow jumped over the moon and let her milk fly. Q. Teacher asked boy, “Why does the sun rise in the east?” A. Because ’east makes things rise. Q. How do we know that heat travels faster than cold! 22 A. Because you can easily catch cold. Q. Why are the days long in summer and short in winter? A. Heat expands things and cold contracts them. Q. What class of people have more bones in their bodies than others? A. Those that live on fish. Q. Which is the mother of the chick, the hen that laid the egg, or the one that hatched it? A. The hen that laid the egg. Q. Why is the oyster the wisest of animals? A. He keeps his mouth shut. Q. Which is the largest bug? A. Humbug. Q. Preacher: “My son, have you learned in your natural history what flies were made for?” A. No, but old Jones says: “They keep him awake when you are preaching.” Q. Why is a caterpillar like a pancake? A. Because it’s the grub that makes the butter-fly. vj Q. What animal carries baggage? A. The elephant carries its trunk. J Q. Lincoln was asked how long a man’s legs ought to be to be the most serviceable? He said — A. Long enough to reach the ground. Q. Barnum had in his museum ten horses that only had twenty-four feet in all, and yet traveled as well as other horses; how was it possible? A. Twenty fore feet. Q. If I have a bottle nearly filled with water, and well corked, how can I get out the water without drawing the cork or breaking the bottle? A. Pressing the cork in the bottle. Q. This incident shows the progress of science in our own day: A friend once told me of a young man who studied at a New England college, perhaps fifty years ago, and who one day showed his professor a bottle which contained a large ripe pear. As the pear was much larger than the mouth of the 23 bottle, and as pears were not yet ripe, the professor suspected witchcraft. He told the young man that he must give a Christian explanation of the mystery, or be expelled from school for practising the black art. How did the student explain it? A. He had set the bottle in a pear tree and passed the bud of a pear through the neck, the bottle absorbed the rays of the sun and sheltered the pear from the chilling wind, so it ripened prematurely. Q. What colors can a blind man feel? A. Blue, green and red-hot. Q. According to Saxe, why are the proud continually irri- tated? A. All proud flesh, wherever it grows Is subject to irritation. PUZZLES IN SPELLING. Q. Spell live mouse-trap with three letters. A. C-a-t (cat). Q. Spell dried grass with three letters. A. H-a-y (hay). Q. Spell hard water with three letters. A. I-c-e (ice). Q. Be thoughtful and earnest, kind-hearted and true. Spell that with four letters’ A. That. Q. Children, tell me what is meant by the Golden Rule, and spell it with two letters. A. It. Q. How do you pronounce this word, bac-ka-che? A. Back-ache. Q. How do you pronounce to, and too, and two, and the first syllable of the second day of the week? A. Mon. The second day in the week is Monday. Q. What word is shorter when you add a syllable to it? A. Short. 24 Q. Spell Constantinople. A. When the person to whom you give this riddle comes to the fourth syllable, you say, “No, no,” to make him think he has made a mistake. Q. Can you spell coffee-pot without saying tea-pot? A. C-o-f, cof, f-ee, fee, coffee, p-o-t, pot, so you said t pot Q. Make one word of the letters in new door. A. One word. The Protean nature of the vowels is well known, but the consonants are no less capricious jn their effect on sound, as a few examples will show. Q. What makes a road broad? A. The letter B. Q. What turns a lover into clover? A. The letter C. Q. What changes the lower regions into the flower re- gions? A. The letter F. Q. What changes a pear into a pearl? A. The letter L. Q. What turns a word into a sword, and turns laughter into slaughter? A. The letter S. Q. What is the difference between here and the re? A. T. • Q. What changes a lad into a lady? A. Y. GYMNASTICS FOR THE TONGUE. Say this several times as rapidly and distinctly as you “She sells sea shells,” and this also, “John sawed six sleek, slim, slender saplings.” Say it until your tongue does not trip or slip. Q. can : slick, A. 25 MATHEMATICAL AND PRACTICAL PUZZLES. Q. Which is the more, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen? A. Six dozen dozen are 72 dozen; but a half a dozen ^ dozen are 6 dozen. Q. I asked a woman how many ducks she had; she said: “Just now as they ran down the path to the pond, I saw there was a duck in front of two ducks, a duck behind two ducks ^ and a duck between two ducks. How many were there? A. Three. Q. A certain room has eight corners ; in every corner sits a cat, on every cat’s tail sits a cat, and before each cat is a cat. How many cats in the room? A. Eight cats. Q. Arrange the nine digits in a solid square, making three rows of three figures each, and dispose the figures in such order that the sum of each row will be 15, adding them either horizontally, vertically or obliquely, making the sum 15 eight different ways. A. 294 7 5 3 6l8 Q. If a herring and a half cost a cent and a half, what will 1^4-Jierrings cost? y A. 1 2 j^® 5 ents. V Q. If a hen and a half lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how many eggs will six hens lay in seven days? _ A. 28 eggs. J \Q. A man sent his boy into the orchard to get a pan of apples, and he said: “Give me half the apples and one-half an apple more ; then give your mother half the remainder and half an apple over, and your sister half the balance and half an apple besides, and have one apple left for yourself;’’ how many apples must he pick? A. 15 apples. Q. Tom lives 80 rods east of a school-house, and Dick 80 rods west of it, Harry 60 rods south, and Jack 60 rods north; i l 26 this morning Tom takes an early start; he takes the shortest cut to Harry's house, and the two boys cut across to Dick’s house; the three go the nearest way to Jack, then they go di- rectly to the school-house; how many rods has Tom traveled? A. When the base of a right angle triangle is 80 rods and the perpendicular 60, the hypothenuse is ioo rods, which is the distance from house to house. He walked 360 rods. Q. A man wishes to cross the river with a fox, a goose and some corn, and can only take one at a time in his little boat ; if he should leave the fox with the goose he would eat the goose, and if he should leave the goose with the corn she would eat the corn; how will he get across with all? A. He takes the goose first, then the fox, and brings the goose back with him ; then carries the corn over and comes back after the goose. Q. John and Jim, Tom and Tim wished to cross a river; John and Jim weigh 100 lbs. each; Tom and Tim weigh 50 lbs. each, and the boat will only carry 100 lbs; how will they cross? A. Tom and Tim go over together, Tom comes back, then John goes over and Tim comes back, then Tom and Tim go over again and Tom comes back; now Jim goes over and Tim comes back, then Tom and Tim go over. Q. Three jealous couples in their journey came to a river; the boat will only carry two persons, and no man wants any other man to speak to his wife ; how do they get over? A. Two women go over and one comes back, two women go over again and one comes back, then two men go over to their wives; then a man and his wife come back, now two men go over and the woman comes back ; next two women go over, then the other man comes after his wife. Q. A man buys a pair of shoes for $3.00 and hands the shoemaker a $10 bill, he goes into the grocery to have it changed; he comes back and gives the man $7.00; when the man has gone the grocer comes in and says, “That was a counterfeit bill you gave me. ’ ' The shoemaker gives him a good bill; how much has the shoemaker lost? A. Seven dollars and the shoes. 2 ? Q. A mother sends her boy to the spring for a quart of water; she has no quart measure and no pint measure, but she gives him a three-quart can, and a five-quart can ; how does he manage to get a quart? A. He fills the three-quart can and pours it into the five; then he fills it again and pours into the five-quart can until it is full, which leaves him a quart. Q. A man has an eight-gallon cask of wine and wants to get half of it in a five-gallon cask, and he only has a three- gallon measure; how does he do it? A. He fills the measures twice and pours into the small cask till it is full, which leaves a gallon in the measure; he then lifts up the small cask and pours it back into the large one; now he pours the one gallon into the small cask and a measure besides. Q. A farmer buys loo^ head of young stock with $100; calves are $10 a head, pigs $3.00 and lambs 50 cents; how many of each does he ouy? A. Five calves, 1 pig, 94 lambs. Q. Suppose a train leaves New York every morning for San Francisco and one leaves San Francisco every morning for New York, and it takes them seven days to make the trip; then, in going from New York to San Francisco, how many trains will you meet? A. Fourteen trains; all those that leave this week and those that left last week which are still on the way. Q. Take six matches and so place them as to make four triangles without crossing the matches. A. Lay three of them on the table in the form of a trian- gle: then place one erect at each corner and bring them together at the top, and you will have a pyramid whose base and three sides are triangles. Q. A frog is at the foot of the bank four feet high ; he climbs up two feet a day, and slips back one foot at night; how many days will it take him to climb up? A. Three days. Q. A frog sits in a hole in the center of a forty-acre field; 1 28 he goes three feet at every jump; how many jumps will take him out? A. One jump will take him out of the hole. Q. A squirrel sits at the bottom of an oak tree twenty feet high; he goes up a foot every day; how long will it take him to get to the top? A. He goes up afoot (on his feet) every day. O. A lady had a cross which was composed of jewels; she took it to an artist for repairs and had the precaution to count the jewels; she found twelve in the long piece, and in count- ing from the foot to the end of either arm, there were also twelve; the jeweler purloined two gems, but so arranged the rest that the count was not changed; how did he manage this? A. He took one gem from the end of each arm, then re- moved the one at the top to the foot of the cross. Q. If you take a strip of wood forty inches long and one inch wide, and cut off fifteen inches and fasten it across the long piece six inches from one end ; then the arms of the cross will measure seven inches each and the long piece eighteen inches; but 18 and 7 and 7 and 6 are 38; what has become of the other two inches? A. There is an inch in each piece where they cross each other. Q. I heard a man say he had crossed the Atlantic nine- teen times, yet he was born here; how could he cross an odd number of times and be here again? A. He went over and back eight times, and around the world three times. Q. Why does your birthday not come on the same day of the week every year, but always a day or two later? A. Three hundred and sixty-five days are 52 weeks and one day over, and in leap-year there are two days over. Q. Where does the day begin? On what part of the globe do people first say, “Now it is Christmas; now it is the first of May!” A. In central Europe. 29 LYING FIGURES. People think figures can’t lie, and that all parts of a math- ematical problem are consistent with each other, but because of this belief nothing is so misleading as figures can be, both in the form of false statistics and subtle problems. Indeed, a problem may be made to contradict itself, and it takes a sharp eye to detect the cheat. Q. Achilles pursues a tortoise; he is ioo paces behind at first, but runs ten times as fast; still when he has gone a hun- dred paces the tortoise has gone ten, and while he goes ten the tortoise goes one, while he goes one the tortoise goes one- tenth of one, and so forever; the tortoise always being a tenth of the last distance ahead, yet we know that Achilles could soon overtake the tortoise. Where is the fallacy? A. The fallacy lies in assuming that Achilles takes a tenth of a pace and a hundredth part of a pace. He takes full paces, not fractions. He takes 112 paces. Q. In a certain hotel there are eleven bedrooms, and twelve travelers apply for lodging. The landlord says to one man, “If you will wait until I have assigned the rest, I will have a room for you;” so he puts the second man in the first room, the third in the second, and so on until the eleventh man is in the tenth room ; then he says to the twelfth man who is waiting, “Now you can go into room 11.” A. The first man was left out. Q. Mother Thrifty and her daughter Dollie drive 60 ducks to market, each driving 30; Mother Thrifty is eager for a trade, and hurries on with her thirty, and reaches the market early, when ducks are in demand. She sells them at one dol- lar a brace ; but Dollie dawdles along the road, and when she arrives the market is supplied so she only receives one dollar for every three. On the way home the mother says, “I got a dollar for two, and you a dollar for three, which makes two dollars for five ducks ; but sixty is twelve times five, so we must have twelve times two dollars or twenty-four/’ but on counting their money they found they had twenty-five dolla r s. Why this discrepancy? 30 A. They did not sell them in twelve lots of five each, for Dollie’s ducks were gone after ten sales, when her mother still had ten ducks to sell. LAME LOGIC. A man often reaches an absurd conclusion, after a great show of argument, because his reasoning is based on appear- ance and sound, instead of fact and common-sense. The sophist may be called a great reasoner, and yet not have a grain of sense. Q. Why is the wind blind? A. The wind is a breeze, a breeze is a zephyr, zephyr is yarn, a yarn is a tale, a tale is an appendage, an appendage is an attachment, an attachment is love and love is blind, therefore the wind is blind. Q. Why is the bed the most dangerous place in the world? A. Most people die in bed. Q. How can you prove that a cat has nine-tails? A. One cat has one tail and no cat has eight tails, but one cat and no cat are one cat, and one tail and eight tails are nine tails. Q. A biped is a creature with two legs ; a goose has two, and you have two, therefore you are a goose. Why not? A. It takes something besides legs to make a man or a goose. The conclusion should have been, you are like a goose in one respect. Q. Zeno said, “Motion is impossible. ” A body cannot move in the place where it is, for the place is no larger than the body, and it cannot move in another place because it is not there. A. But it can move out of one place into another. A MUSICAL CATECHISM. v Q. What is the key of good manners? A. B-natural. 31 Q. Who is the greatest composer? A. Sleep. Q. What is a slur? A. A mean remark of one musician about another. Q. What is a rest? A. Going out of the choir during sermon time for refresh- ments. Q. What is meant by singing with the understanding? A. Beating the time with your feet. Q. What is a staccato movement? A. Leaving the choir in a huff because you are offended. Q. What is a swell? A. A conceited young professor of music. Q. Why is an important young lady like a music book? A. She is full of airs. PALINDROMES. A Palindrome is a sentence which can be read backwards as well as forwards, and the meaning be the same. In read- ing from right to left, spell the words backwards. Q. According to Sidney Smith, how did Adam introduce himself to Eve? A. Madam, I'm Adam. Q. How could Napoleon speak of himself in a palindrome beginning with the word able? A. Able was I ere I saw Elba. ACROSTIC. An Acrostic is a stanza so written that the first letters of the lines, taken together, spell a name or some other word. I will give one on a masculine name, one on a feminine and one a young man’s age, as I wrote it for his birthday. Q. Faithful to your daily trust Ready at your duties' call. Always gentle, always just, Never mean, and never small. Kind and true you are to all. A. Frank. 32 Q. Many golden-hearted friends Ah, so precious and so true ; Rare and dear Our Father send Yet no better friend than you. A. Mary. Q* Tugging, pulling, pushing ever With a will that Fate defies; Energy that tires never, Never wavers, falters nevei That’s the only way to rise. Yes, and I repeat it, sir, Faith in God and faith in grit, Overleap each yawning pit. Undermine each barrier; Robe and crown the conqueror. A. Twenty-four. SQUARING A WORD. Q. Arrange several words in a square so that they will read the same horizontally and vertically. The old problem of squaring the circle is solved thus: CIRCLE ICARUS RAREST CREATE LUSTRE ESTEEM A. Make some small squares yourself, as CAT BOY MAN PIN APE ONE AXE ICE TEA YES NEW NEW 33 A CURIOSITY. In the following, the initial capitals spell, “My boast is in the glorious cross of Christ. ” The words in capitals, when read from top to bottom, and bottom to top, form the Lord’s Prayer. Q. Make known the Gospel truths, OUR Father king, Yield up thy grace, dear FATHER, from above, Bless us with hearts WHICH feelingly can sing, “Our life thou ART for-EVER God of Love!” Assuage our grief IN love FOR Christ we pray, Since the bright Prince of HEAVEN and GLORY died, Took all our sins and HALLOWED THE display, Infant BE-ing first, a man, AND then was crucified. Stupendous God! THY grace and POWER make known; In Jesus’ NAME let all THE world rejoice. NOW labor in THY heavenly KINGDOM own, That blessed KINGDOM for thy saints THE choice. How vile to COME to Thee IS all our cry; Enemies to THY-self and all that’s THINE, Graceless our WILL, we live FOR vanity, Loathing thy very BE-ing, EVIL in design. O God, thy will be DONE FROM earth to heaven; Reclining ON the Gospel let US live In EARTH from sin DELIVER-ed and forgiven, Oh, AS Thyself BUT teach us to forgive. Unless IT-s power TEMPTATION doth destroy. Sure IS our fall INTO the depths of woe. Carnal IN mind, we’ve NOT a glimpse of joy Raised against us HEAVEN : in US hope we can flow. O, GIVE us grace AND LEAD us on Thy way; Shine on US with Thy love, and give US peace: Self and THIS sin that rise AGAINST us slay, Oh, grant each DAY our TRESPASS-es may cease. Forgive OUR evil deeds THAT oft we do, Convince us DAILY of THEM to our shame. Help us with heavenly BREAD, FORGIVE us, too Recurrent lusts, AND WE’ll adore Thy name. In the FORGIVE-ness, we AS saints can die, Since for US and our TRESPASSES so high, Thy Son, OUR Savior, bled on Cavalry. A. Find all the letters of the verse and the words of the prayer. 34 A POEM BY TWENTY POETS. Q. Why all this toil for triumph of an hour? — Young. Life’s a short summer, man’s a flower. — Dr. Johnson. By turns we catch the vital breath and die. — Pope. The cradle and tomb, alas! so nigh .—Prior. To be is better far better than not to be. — Sewell. Though all man’s life may seem a tragedy ; — Spencer. Your fate is but the common fate of all; — Longfellow. Unmingled joys here to no man befall. — Southwell. Live well ; how long or short, permit to heaven ; — Milton . They who forgive most shall be most forgiven. —Bailey. Then keep each passion down, however dear; — Thompson. Thou pendulum betwixt a smile and tear. — Byron. Soar not too high to fall, but stoop to rise ; — Massinger. We masters grow of all that we despise. — Cowley. Think not ambition wise because ’tis brave, — Davenant. The paths of glory lead but to the grave. — Gray. How long we live not years but actions tell : — Watkins. That man lives twice who lives the first life well .—Herrick. The trust that’s given guard, and to yourself be just; — Dana. For, live we how we can, yet die we must. — Shakespeare . A. Have your friends name the authors as you read the lines. PLAYING WITH PUNS. Q. One person in the company mentions a name which sig- nifies something, as Brown. Another responds with a kin- dred name, as White. A few names from the New York directory will be suggestive : Hale, Hearty, Sick; Shepherds, Flock, Lamb; Christian, Sinner, Devil; Pilgrim, Staff; Noah, Ark, Car, Driver; Mean, Lovely; Constable, Club; Canary, Singer; Hen, Chick; Clock, Hands; Widow, Maid; Redhead, Whitehead; Shoemaker, Skinner; Herring, Sucker. A. Try to make some groups of names yourself 35 A READING PUZZLE. Q. I’ll prove the word that I’ve made my theme Is that that may be doubled without blame ; And that that that thus trebled I may use, And that that that that critics may abuse May be correct. Further — the dons to bother — Five thats may closely follow one another; For be it known that we safely write Or say, that that that that that man writ was right ; Nay, e’en that that that that that that followed Through six repeats the grammar’s rule has hallowed, And that that that (that that that that began), Repeated seven times is right! Deny’t who can? A. Read it until you make sense. Q. How can you get rid of a caller who don’t know when to go? A. Do as Longfellow used to do; invite them out to see the view from the piazza, after which it is easier to go than to return to the hou $e. Q. When are two friends half-witted? A. When they have an understanding between them. Q. Which is the grand seat of learning? A. The seat of a boy’s pants, for it is that to which the schoolmaster applies himself. Until recent times when a boy was sent to a teacher it was customary to say: “He is put under his ferrule.” Q. During the “Woman’s Crusade” Beecher was asked what he thought of women leaving their homes and meddling with men’s affairs. He said — A. “I don’t see any use in always keeping a gun loaded; if women are loaded with reform let them unload.” Q. He says: “A good-hearted man is more apt to become dissipated than a mean man, because ” A. “Sweet things spoil more easily than sour things; and warm things more easily than cold things.” . Q. Why is it proper to include women when we say man- kind, or all men? A. Because man embraces woman. 36 Q. Who is the oldest lunatic? A. Time out of mind. Q. We say: “Strike while the iron is hot.” But what did Cromwell say? A. “Not only strike while the iron is hot, but make it hot by striking. Don’t simply improve a chance when you have it, but make a chance. “ Q. Why are newspapers reliable? A. They lie, then they lie again, or they re-lie, and so are re-li-able. Q. To relieve the sting of the last riddle, I ask, “Why is the printing press the tree of life?’’ A. It brings forth leaves for the healing of the nations. Q. Behind the barn at early morn I heard a herald blow his horn. His beard was flesh, his mouth was horn, The like of him was never born. A. Rooster. (Hatched, not born.) Q. “Variety is the spice of life,’’ we say, but we cannot live on spice. What, then, is the food of life? A. Uniformity; our regular work; our daily bread, our old friends and common faith. Order is better than novelty. Common things are the best. Q. On what condition would women wear men’s clothes? A. If it were the fashion. Q. On what condition would all men be charitable? A. If they would see ten per cent, in it. Q. A man bought a coat and found it too short, but his wife assured him — A. It would be long before he had another. Q. On the first of July, 1891, a train ran off the great bridge at St. Louis and no one was killed or injured. How was it possible? A. It ran off the bridge as usual and went on its way- Q. Why is a dead hen better than a live one? A. She will lay wherever you put her. 37 Q. Here is a sample of my first attempt at riddle making when I was a boy about fourteen or less: We are seven busy brothers Laboring every day. Always helping others In everything they say. The first in the Amazon doth dwell, The second in Egypt has a cell, The third in Ireland makes his home. The fourth of us resides in Rome, The fifth and seventh are in you, The sixth is everywhere in view. A. The vowels. Q. Perhaps this is the first original riddle with which I amused myself at the expense of my playmates. From one million substract 1,000, i, 50, 50 and 1. A. The numbers to be subtracted are represented by M I L L I ; take these letters from the word million and you have left the word on, so when the boys told me their remain- der, I said: “Guess on, guess on.’’ When they gave it up I said: “I have been telling you the answer; it is ‘on.’ ” Q. Why is the tongue like a horse? A. It must be bridled. Q. “Mamma, papa can’t go to heaven, can he?” “Why, my child?” “Because A. He can’t leave the store. Q. Who are the best book-keepers? A. The people who never return a book. Q. What are the three degrees of a mining speculation? A. Positive, mining; comparative, minor; superlative, minus. Q. Why is Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? A. He is a commontator. Q. What is a counter-irritant? A. A woman shopping. V Q. Why is a girl in love like an arrow? A. She is in a quiver until her beau comes. Q. How can you have a set of teeth inserted gratis? 38 A. Kick a bull-dog. Q. What is the dryest subject? A. A mummy. IQ. Why are women wicked? A. They hook their dresses, steel their petticoats, and crib their babies. Q. What consolation has a homely girl? A. She will be a pretty old one if she lives long. Q. I saw you where you never were, And where you could not be, And yet within that very place Your face I often see. A. In the mirror. Q. Instead of complaining when it rains we should do so as they do in Spain, and what is that? A. Let it rain. Q. What does the Chinaman say in answer to the question, “What are the wild waves saying?” A. Washee; washee. Q. Would you rather be a bigger fool than you seem, or rather seem to be a bigger fool than you are? A. Whichever horn of this dilemma a person chooses when you ask the question you reply: “That would be impos- sible. ” Q. What is the difference, between the death of a barber and the death of a sculptor? A. One curls up and dyes; the other makes faces and busts. Q. What poet does everybody want? A. Moore (more). Q. Pat said, “There was nothing wonderful about the great fall of Niagara,” because — A. There was nothing to hinder the fall. Q. What increases its value one-half when turned upside down? A. Figure 6. 39 Q. Why is the board of trade a den of wild beasts? A. The members are bulls and bears. Q. In the opinion of a negro preacher, why did Jesus learn the carpenter’s trade? A. That he might build mansions for his people in heaven. Q. Why does a doctor not get sea-sick? A. He is used to see-sickness. Q. Why was Henry VIII. a peculiar suitor? A. He married his wives and axed them afterwards. Q. What’s the difference between a soldier and a belle? A. One faces the powder and the other powders the face. Q. Why is an old man easily robbed? A. His gait is broken and his locks are few (locks of hair). 4 Q. Why is a cat’s tail like the world? A. It’s fur to the end. Q. Why are penmakers rascals? A. Because they make people steel pens and tell them they do write. Q. Why is a fool’s pate like a drum? A. It is empty, and good for nothing but noise. Q. Is it ever correct to say, “This ’ere’’ and “that’er?” A. Yes, when you mean this ear and that air. Q. What does everybody give and few take? A. Advice. Q. I can throw an egg against the wall And it will neither break nor fall. A. The wall will not break. Q. Why do women carry parasols? A. The sun is of the masculine gender, and they cannot endure his ardent glances. Q. When a smoker promises to quit, what does the prom- ise usually end in? A. Smoke. He smokes again. Q. Made years ago, yet made to-day, Employed while others sleep. Which none would want to give away. And none would wish to keep. A. A bed. 40 Q. A blind beggar had a brother and the brother died the man that died had no brother. A. The beggar was a woman. Q. Of what did Ling die when he swallowed the bomb? A. Shooting off his mouth. Q. How can a man be his own grandfather?" A Smith had a son John; John married a widow who had a grown daughter; old Smith married the daughter, and so he became John’s son; but John’s father must be grand- father to John’s son, therefore Smith is grandfather to himself, Q. What gives a cold, cures a cold and pays the doctor? A. A draught. . Q. Why is a quarrel like a bargain? A. Takes two to make it. Q. What’s the difference between a cat and a book? A. One has the claws at the end of the paws, and the other has the pause at the end of the clause. Q. Why does more corn grow in crooked rows than in straight ones? A. There are more crooked rows. Q. I often murmur, but never weep ; Always lie in bed, but never sleep. My mouth is larger than my head, And much discharges, though never fed ; 1 have no feet, yet swiftly run; The more falls I get, move faster on. A. A river. Q. When does one become soured? A. When he is in a pickle. Q. Where did Humboldt go on his thirty-ninth birthday? A. In his fortieth year. Q. Of what disease will a cold water hobbyist die? A. Water on the brain. Q. Archimedes said, “Give me a standing place and I will move the earth with a lever. ’’ Goethe solved the problem. How? A. Make good thy standing-place and move the world 41 ■ Q. Why is a woman like a locomotive * A. She makes a terrible noise when she whistles. Q. When is it right to lie? A. When you are in bed. Q. What encouragement does the Bible give to a tobacco chewer? A. He that is filthy let him be filthy still. Q. What always goes with a wagon that is no part of it and of no use to it? A. The noise it makes. Q. McClelland’s hands were always tied with rules and forms. The story goes that he once telegraphed to Lincoln, 4 'I have captured a hundred cows; shall I milk them?” Promptly came the reply — A. Suck ’em, George ; you are the biggest calf in the army. Q. What is gratitude? A. The memory of the heart. Q. Why do women have no beards? A. A crusty old bachelor says, “Their tongues are so long that in shaving themselves they would cut their tongues.” Q. What is Eternity? A. A day without yesterday or to-morrow. Q. A bet that he could eat more oysters than B ; A ate ninety in a week, B ate a hundred and one. How many more did B eat than A? A. Ten. He ate a hundred and won. Q. How does the average Yankee answer the question,. “What, is the chief end of man?” A. Keep all you’ve got and get all you can. Q. There was a man who was not born. His father was not before him ; He did not live, he did not die. His epitaph is not o’er him. A. A man by the name of Nott. Q. A sleeper in a sleeper over a sleeper. 42 A. First, a man asleep; second, sleeping car; third, a beam under the rail. Q. Preacher: Children, why are ministers the salt of the earth? A. Boy: Because they keep victuals from spoiling. Q. Of what trade is the Sun? A. A tanner. Q. A lazy man, wishing to encourage his wife’s industry, exclaimed, “My dear, you and I are equal to ten.” “Yes,” she said, “for — A. I am one (i) and you are a cipher (o). Q. McCauley’s Riddle, given here only in substance from a poem. My whole is composed of twelve; divide us into three and nine, and you bring before you a dark and dreadful scene, bloodshed and cruelty; man destroying man; if you exclude the first three of us, the picture is even darker, for now the brute creation is involved in the general misery; but separate us into four and eight and what a change! . Now all i is gladness and gayety. The air rings with jubilee and joy. A. First, manslaughter; second, slaughter; third, man’s laughter. Q. If you cross your second finger over your first and pass | the fork up and down on the bridge of your nose it will feel as though you had two noses. Why? A. The fingers being crossed, it is the outer side of each finger that touches the nose; and the mind, from habit, refers; all sensations to their usual place. So there seems to be a nose on the outer side of both fingers, which would require two noses. I Q. SHELLEY’S RIDDLE. I bring fresh showers For the thirsty flowers, From the seas and the streams ; I bear light shade For the leaves when laid In their noonday dreams. 43 I bind the sun’s throne With a burning zone, And the moons with a girdle of peari; The volcanoes are dim And the stars reel and swim When the whirlwinds nr r banner unfurls. When the crimson pall Of the even doth fall From the depth of heaven above. Safe folded I rest On my airy nest, As still as a brooding dove. I wield the flail Of the lashing hail, And whiten the green plains under And then again I dissolve it in rain And laugh as I pass in thunder. I sift the snow On the mountains below And their great pines groan aghast \ And all the night ’Tis my pillow white As I sleep in the arms of the blast. A. A cloud. q. i. McClellan, GIVEN HERE ONLY IN PART. He dreamed that the Frenchman’s sword still slew, And triumphed the Frenchman’s eagle ; The struggling Austrians fled anew Like the hare before the beagle. The bearded Russian he scourged again, The Prussian camp was routed, And again on the hills of haughty Spain His mighty army shouted. 44 -***• O’er Egypt’s sands, o’er Alpine snows, At the pyramid, at the mountain, Where the wave of the lordly Danube flows. And by the Italian fountain ; O’er the snowy cliffs where mountain streams Dash by the Switzer’s dwelling, He led again, in his dying dreams, His host, the broad earth quelling. Who was he? A. Napoleon. \>. MISS FANSHAW’S ENIGMA. ’Twas whispered in heaven and muttered in hell, And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell. On the confines of earth, ‘twas permitted to rest, And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed; ’Twas seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder ; ’Twiil be found in the spheres, when riven asunder' ’Twas given to man with his earliest breath, Assists at his birth and attends him in death ; Presides o’er his happiness, honor and health, Is the prop of his house and the end of his wealth, It begins every hope, every wish it must bound And though unassuming with monarchs is crowned Without it" the soldier and sailor may roam, But woe to the wretch who expels it from home. But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower — O, breathe on it softly ; it dies in an hour. A. The letter H. J. R. DRAKE. When freedom from her mountain height Uniurl’d ner standard to the air She tore the azure robe of night, And set the stars of glory there ; She mingled with its gorgeous dyes 45 The milky baldric of the skies, And striped its pure celestial white With streakings of the morning light. A. Our flag. Q. How can we all remember our friends in our will? A. In our good-will. "Q. What is the best thing that any of us can do in this world? A. Mind our own business. Q. Is life worth living? A. It depends on the liver. Q. What is the greatest enemy of the world and of ever } 7 man? A. Despair ; losing ‘ 4 the mighty hopes that make us men . 1 r We commenced this catechism .with the question which is the greatest riddle, and the answer w’as Life, because we all have to give it up, but woe to the man who wants to give it up. The world is the sphynx that propounds to ever man the riddle of life. If he does not give her an answer, find some meaning in life, she devours him. The love of life and faith in the world is the great secret of happiness and success. I leave with you as a parting gift the Persian proverb, “When men shall say in passing a grave, ‘Would I were there/ the end of the world is at hand 99 CRACKER JACK AND CANDY MAKERS RUECKHEEM BROS. & ECKSTEIN LIFE IS SHORT! RETAIN YOUR YOUTH! GO TO F rench Lick and West Baderv Sprirvgs IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SOUTHERN INDIANA ON THE tmrn * * * # # * * * * * * * * # * $ * * I * # * * * * # * * * * * * I Ik #. # # # * * * * * * # * * * * * * ■# * * * * * * * * )k * * * * * * * * g )) (fflCAfiO. jfoPIAtiAPOLIS £ joUISVILLE RAILWAY (( ^~ g °- REST FOR. THE WEARY HEALTH FOR THE ILL RECREATION FOR ALL The remedial properties of the various Springs at these famous resorts are world-renowned for chronic ailments of Stomach, Liver, Kidneys and Bowels. You drink the waters — nature does the rest. HOTEL RATES range from $8 up to $55 per week, including free use of waters. Accommodations from the plain boarding-house up to the finest apartments and service to be obtained in the best metropolitan hotels. Booklet telling all about the waters and giving list of the hotels and boarding houses with their rates sent free. - Address - CHAS. H. ROCKWELL Traffic Manager FRANK J. REED General Passenger Agent CHICAGO, ILL. C. 'R. SSL M. H •• IS he FeKv to ay" between Chicago ^ Cincinnati “Short Line by 20 Miles'' ZShe map tells the story!* See folders and guides for our schedules, .flny railway agent can ticket you through •Via “ Z5he JVeW Way." For rates and detail information address F. E. SIGNER., G. P. A. RICHMOND, IND. W. B. CALLOWAY, A. G. P. A. 3 0 12106070060