^ ^ ■■ C N 
 
 

 OF THE 
 UNIVERSITY 
 Of ILLINOIS 
 
 817 
 
 F3G>5 
 

 
 
 
 
 Return this book on or before the 
 Latest Date stamped below. A 
 charge is made on all overdue 
 
 books. 
 
 University of 
 
 K 
 
 
 Illinois Library 
 
OF ALL. 
 
 SKETCHES 
 
 BY THE 
 
 Popular Humorists of the Day ; 
 
 MARK TWAIN, JOSH BILLINGS, 
 
 DETROIT FREE PRESS MAN, 
 
 BURLINGTON HAWK EYE MAN, OIL CITY DERRICK MAN, 
 BROOKLYN EAGLE MAN, 
 
 CHICAGO : 
 
 Copyright 1880 , by 
 
 RHODES & McCLURE, PUBLISHERS. 
 

The Funniest Book of All. 
 
 JUST WHERE RE HAD ^EM. 
 
 Half an hour before the departure of a lake steamer from 
 her wliarf yesterday the Captain was approached by a stranger 
 who had been inspecting the boat from the dock for the last 
 ten minutes. Introducing himself as a would-be passenger, 
 he asked : 
 
 “Captain, is this boat provided with life-preservers?” 
 
 “ She is.” 
 
 “Are they all right?” 
 
 “ They are.” 
 
 “ Can your crew launch a life-boat ?” 
 
 “ They can.” ' ' 
 
 “Is your life-raft all right?” 
 
 “It IS.” 
 
 “ Is the fire-hose all ready for instant service?” 
 
 “ It is.” 
 
 “ Will your engineer stand to his post in case of a disaster?” 
 “He will.” 
 
 “Do you call yourself a cool and collected man in the 
 presence of danger?” 
 
 “I do.” 
 
 “Do you know exactly what you would do in case of a ter- 
 rible gale or a fire ?” 
 
 “I do.” 
 
 “Can the mate be depended on to second all your eflbrts?^' 
 “ He can.” 
 
 “And will your crew stand by and obey you?” 
 
 “ They will.” 
 
 “Are }mur green and red lights all right.” 
 
 “They are.” 
 
 “Machinery in perfect order?” 
 
 “ It is.” 
 
 “ Going to overload the boat?^ 
 
“Is she fixed to blow off at forty-six pounds?” 
 
 “She is.” 
 
 “Donkey-engine working all right?” 
 
 “ It is.” 
 
 The stranger heaved a deep sigh and was walking away 
 when the Captain asked if his baggage was aboard. 
 
 “No, and I guess I’ll go afoot,” was the re})ly. “Every 
 boat which has burned up or gone down for the last five years 
 had everything in the nicest kind of order, and I’ll either look 
 for a craft making six feet of water an hour, or run the risk 
 of going through a railroad-bridge. Good-b}^e, Captain ; I 
 shall look in the dailies all this week to see who of your pas- 
 sengers were saved .” — Detroit Dree Press. 
 
 TOM POTTERS S SHOOTING. 
 
 MAX ADELER. 
 
 They had been talking about the remarkable performances 
 of Dr. Carver, the marksman, who shoots with a rifle, glass 
 balls, which are sent into the air as fast as a man can throw 
 them. Presently Abner Byng, who was sitting by, said : 
 
 “That’s nothing.” 
 
 “What is nothing.” 
 
 “Why, that shooting. Did you ever know Tom Potter?” 
 
 “No.” 
 
 “Well, Potter was the best hand with a rifle I ever saw; 
 beat this man Carver all hollow. I’ll tell you what I’ve seen 
 Potter do. You know, may be, along there in the cherry 
 season, Mrs. Potter would want to preserve some cherries ; 
 so Tom ’d pick ’em for her, and how do you think he’d stone 
 ’em ?” 
 
 “I don’t know. How?” 
 
 “Why, he’d fill his gun with bird-shot, and get a boy to 
 drop half a bushel of cherries at one time from the roof of the 
 house. As they came down he’d fire, and take the stone clean 
 out of every cherry in the lot ! It’s a positive fact. He might 
 
 4 , 
 
• , THE FUNKIEST BOOK OF ALL. 5 
 
 occasionally miss one cherry, may be, but not often. But h^ 
 did bigger shooting than that when he wanted to.” 
 
 “ What did he do?” 
 
 “Why, Jim Miller — did you know him? No? Well, 
 Tom made a bet once with Jim that he could shoot the but- 
 tons off of his own coat tail, by aiming in the opposite direc- 
 tion, and Jim Miller took him up.” 
 
 “ Did he do it ?” 
 
 “ Do it ! He fixed himself in position, and aimed at a tree 
 in front of him. The ball hit the tree, carromed, hit the cor- 
 ner of a house, carrorned, struck a lamp-post, carromed, and 
 flew behind Tom, and nipped the button off as slick as a 
 whistle. You bet he did it.” 
 
 “That was fine shooting.” 
 
 “Yes, but I’ve seen Tom Potter beat it. Pve seen him 
 stand under a flock of wild pigeons, billions of them coming 
 like the wind, and kill ’em so fast that the front of the flock 
 never passed a given line, but turned over and fell down, so 
 that it looked like a kind of a brown and feathery Niagara. 
 Tom did it by having twenty -three breech-loading rifles and a 
 boy to load ’em. ,He always shot with that kind.” 
 
 “You say you saw him do this sort of shooting?” 
 
 “Yes, sir; and better than that, too. Why, I’ll tell you 
 what Pve seen Tom Potter do. 1 saw him once set up an 
 India-rubber target at three hundred feet, and hit the bull’s- 
 eye twenty-seven times a minute with the same ball ! He 
 would bit the target, the ball would bounce back right into the 
 rifle- barrel just as Tom had clapped in a fresh charge of pow- 
 der, and so he kept her a-going backward and forward, back- 
 ward and forward, until at last lie happened to move his gun, 
 and the bullet missed the muzzle of the barrel. It was the 
 biggest thing I ever saw; the very biggest — excejit one.” 
 ••What was that?” 
 
 “ Why, one day I was out with him when he was practicing, 
 and it came on to rain. Tom didn’t want to get wet, and we 
 Jiad no umbrella, and what do you think he did?” 
 
 “What?” 
 
 “ Now what do you think that man did to keep dry ?” 
 
 “ 1 can’t imagine.” 
 
 Well, sir, he got me to load his weapons for him, and I 
 
6 - 1 ,1 ■ FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 pledge you my word, although it began to rain hard, he hit 
 every drop that came down, so that the ground for about eight 
 feet around us was as dry as punk. It was beautiful, sir ; 
 beautiful!” 
 
 And then the company rose up slowly and passed out, one 
 by one, each man eyeing Abner, and looking solemn as he 
 went by ; and when they had gone, Abner looked queerly for 
 a moment, and said to me : 
 
 “There’s nothing I hate so much as a liar. Give me a 
 man who is the friend of the solid truth, and I’ll tie to him.” 
 
 MARK TWAIN'S REMARKABLE GOLD 
 
 MINES. 
 
 I have just seen your dispatch from San Francisco in Satur- 
 day’s Evening I^ost about gold in solution in Calistoga Springs, 
 and about the proprietor having extracted $1,600 in gold of 
 the utmost fineness from ten barrels of water, during the past 
 fortnight, by a process known only to himself. 
 
 This will surprise many of your readers, but it does not 
 surprise me, for I once owned these springs myself. What 
 does surprise me, however, is the falling off in richness of the 
 water. In my time, the yield was a dollar a dipperful. I am 
 not saying this to injure the property in case a sale is contem- 
 pleted. I am saying it in the interest of history. It may be 
 that this hotel proprietor’s process may be an inferior one. 
 Yes, that may be the fault. Mine was to take my uncle (I 
 had an extra at that time, on account of his parents dying and 
 leaving him on my hands) and fill him up and let him stand 
 fifteen minutes, to give the water a chance to settle. Well, 
 then I insert him in an exhausted receiver, which had the 
 effect of sucking gold out through his pores. I have taken 
 more than $11,000 out of that old man in a day and a half. 
 
 • I should have held on to those springs but for the badness 
 of the roads and the difficulty of getting the gold to market. 
 
 I consider that the gold-yielding water is in many respects^ 
 remarkable, and yet no more remarkable than the gold-bearing 
 air of Catgut Canon, up there toward the head of the aurifer- 
 ous range. This air or this wind, for it is a kind of trade 
 wind which blows steadily down through 600 miles of the 
 
THE FtTNT^IEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 7 
 
 richest quartz croppings during an hour and a quarter every 
 day, except Sundays, is heavily charged with exquisitely fine, 
 impalpable gold. 
 
 Nothing precipitates and solidities this gold so readily as 
 contact with human fiesh heated by passion. The time that 
 William Abrahams was disappointed in love ho used to step 
 out doors when that wind was blowing, and come in again 
 and begin to sigh, and I would extract over a dollar and a 
 half out of every sigh. He sighed right along, and the time 
 that John Harbison and Aleck Norton quarreled about HarJ 
 bison’s dog they stood there swearing at each other ; and they 
 knew how, and what they did not know about swearing they 
 couldn’t learn from you and me, not by a good deal, and at 
 the end of every three or four minutes they had to- stop and 
 make a dividend. If they didn’t their jaws would clog up 
 so that they couldn’t get big nine-syllabled ones out at all, 
 and when the wind was done blowing they cleared up just a 
 little over $1,600 apiece. I know these facts to be absolutely 
 true, because I got them from a man whose mother I knew 
 personally. 
 
 I did not suppose a person could buy the water-privilege at 
 Calistoga now at any price, but several good locations along 
 the course of the Catgut Canon gold-bearing trade-wind are 
 for sale. They are going to be stocked for the New York 
 market. They will sell, too ; people will swarm for them as 
 thick as Hancock veterans in the South. 
 
 Mark Twain. 
 
 JOSH BILLINGS^ ADVICE TO A NEW 
 CHOIR- SIN GEE. 
 
 Dear Miss : This is an important epock into your life. 
 The first thing to make a good quire singer is to giggle a 
 little. 
 
 Put your hair in cirl papers every Friday nite soze to have it 
 in good shape Sunday morning. If your daddy is rich you 
 can buy some store hair. If he is very rich buy some more 
 and build it up high onto your head ; then get a higli-priced 
 bunnit that runs up very high at the high part of it, and get 
 he milliner to ])lant some high-grown artificials onto the higli- 
 
8 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL 
 
 est part of it. This will help you sing high, as soprano is the 
 highest part. 
 
 When the tune is giv out, don’t pay attention to it, and 
 then giggle. Giggle a good eel. 
 
 Whisper to the girl next you that Em Jones, which sets 
 on the 2d seet from the front on the left-hand side, has her 
 bunnit with the same color exact she had last year, and then 
 put you book to your face and giggle. 
 
 Object to every tune unless there is a solow into it for the 
 soprano. Cod and hem a good eel before you begin to sing. 
 
 When you sing a solow shake tlie artificials off your bunnit, 
 and when you come to a higli tone brace yourself back a little, 
 twist your head to one side, and open your mouth tlie widest 
 on that side, shet the eyes on the same side just a triphle, and 
 then put in for dear life. 
 
 When the preacher gets under hed way with his preachin, 
 write a note on the blank leaf into the fourth part of your 
 note book. That’s what the blank leaf was made for. Git 
 sum body to oass the note to sumbody else, and you watch 
 them wiiil^ tlity read it, and then giggle. 
 
 If anybocfy^alks or laffs in the congregashun, and the 
 preacher takes notis of it, that’s a goot chants for you to gig- 
 gle, and you ought to giggle a great eel. The j)reacher dar- 
 sent say anything to you bekaus you are in the quire, and he 
 can’t run the meetin’ house at both ends without the quire. 
 If }mn had a bow before you yy^nt into the quire, give him 
 the mitten, — you ought to have somebody better now. 
 
 Don’t forget to giggle. 
 
 ‘^OUR FU T U R ER—LI M E-K 1 L N CLUB 
 PR O C E E D 1 N G S. 
 
 As soon as the meeting was fairly under way Brother Gard- 
 ner announced that Judge Affidavy Martin, late of Alabama, 
 but now traveling in the North as the agent of a patent fish- 
 hook, was present and desired to address the Club on the sub- 
 ject named above. It was voted to hear the address, and af- 
 ter being received in due form and introduced, the Judge 
 stood upon the platform and began : “We mus’ not look in 
 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 9 
 
 <ie past fur our fuchur. No nian kin tell what de nex hun’erd 
 v’ars will bring fo’th by lookin’ ober de fence of ole grave- 
 yards. What am our fuchur? Who kin tell what dis nashun 
 will amount to if it keeps on in the way it hez begun ? If any 
 one had told you twenty years ago dat to-night I would stan’ 
 befo’ you wid a paper collah on my neck, you would have set 
 him down as an assassin. 'Yet de march of improv^emeut has 
 accomplished eben mo’ dan dat. For de sum of fifty cents 
 you kan have a brass watch chain fixed up so nigh like gold 
 dat you kin work it on a boss trade for $50. Ef anybody had 
 told George Washington dat de day would come when shirts 
 would button behind, what would dat great man have said ? 
 Dis kentry am a mighty clock. Ebery time de pend’lum 
 swings a child am bo’n. Ebeiy time de minit-hand takes a 
 jump somebod}^ comes to the front wid a new sort o’ stomach 
 bitters or an improved rat-trap. Ebery hour ticked off am a 
 mile o’ railroad built, a bridge laid down, a hill leveled or a 
 forest cleared. Such of us as kin remember back a hun’erd 
 y’ars realize de change mo’ dan de young folks. Sicli of us 
 as lib a hun’erd y’ars in de fuchur will not be siifpris'ed to see 
 jugs wid free handles, coffee-pots dat shet up lil^tTJack-knife, 
 rat-traps dat illuminate de house, an’ rockin-clia’rs dat sail 
 aroun’ on wheels.” The speaker closed amid cheers and ap- 
 plause, and for the remainder of the evening was given the 
 seat of honor under the Bear-Trap . — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 ‘^SAYING TU'F ^COUNTBY.^^ 
 
 ‘‘They are saving the country at Noblesville to-day,” the 
 fat passenger remarked before we came away Monday morn- 
 ing. 
 
 “ Yes,” the sad passenger said, “it is disunion and an- 
 archy, or Diffendorfer for Trustee.” 
 
 “ Elect Diffendorfer Trustee,” said the cross passenger, 
 “and ihe throes of dissolution seize on this wretched and en- 
 slaved country the next day.” 
 
 “A vote for Diffendorfer,” shouted the tall, thin passenger, 
 “cements more closely, and binds more firmly, the union 
 already laid in the best blood of our fathers.” 
 
lu 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Elect DifFendorfer,” the fat passenger said, “and the 
 malice and hate of 500 centuries of despotism is crowned 
 with success, and the fair republic that has repelled the 
 assaults of all the world, dies by the parricidal hand of its 
 own ungrateful, traitorous and blood-dyed children.” 
 
 “Elect Diffendorfer,” said the man with the green gog- 
 gles, “and the reeling thrones of the effete monarchies of 
 Europe crumble to the dust, and the barbarous despotisms in 
 the far Orient fall to the earth amid the crushing of broken 
 dynasties that have been upheld by centuries of lawless and 
 pitiless power.” 
 
 “ Elect this man Oiffendorfer,” snorted the fat passenger, 
 “and you will live to hear the death knell of liberty ring 
 through the land. Make him Township Trustee and you will 
 see the sacred rights of man, the honor of citizenship, the 
 glories of the Republic, the sanctity of the fireside, the purity 
 of the home, the holiness of the church, the sacred retire- 
 ment of the cloister, are trampled ruthlessly under his cruel 
 and polluting feet ; elect Diffendorfer ” 
 
 “Diffendorfer ain’t a running,” said the woman who talks 
 •bass, and as usual, when she croaks, she cuts off the debate 
 as witli the previous question, to the great disappointment of 
 the man with the green goggles, who was just ready to launch 
 out with a crusher as soon as the fat passenger was out of 
 breath. And so we came away from Nobiesville.— 
 tori Hamk^tje. 
 
 LOOKING FOR T EE E L E C T R 1 C LI G RT. 
 
 About 8 o’clock yesterday forenoon a man whose form was 
 full of wrinkles, and kinks, and twists, crawled out of a coal- 
 shed on the wharf and began yawning and rub bing his eyes 
 like one who had put in a heavy night. A policeman lounged 
 that way, gave the man a looking over, and asked : 
 
 “Sleep in there last night?” 
 
 “Yaas, kinder,” was the reply. 
 
 “ Looking for work ?” 
 
 “N-n-o, not exactly.’’ 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL, 
 
 11 
 
 “You’ll be run in if you bang around in this way,” re- 
 marked the officer. 
 
 The man put his hands on top of a snubbing post, laid his 
 chin on his hands, and after a long look at Canada he turned 
 and said: 
 
 “I dunno exactly what I’m going to do. I did live out 
 here about eight miles, but I’ve separated from the old 
 woman. Yes, separated last night.” 
 
 “What’s the trouble?” 
 
 “Waal, she was my second, and I was her second, and we 
 never got along any too sweet. We both of us think we know 
 it all, and neither feels like giving in. We came to see the 
 circus.” 
 
 “Ah! you did?” 
 
 “And that’s where the separation took place — right in front 
 of the sacred hyenas from Japan. You know they adver- 
 tised an electric light there?” 
 
 “ Yes.” 
 
 “Well, we’d never seen one. When we got into the me- 
 nagerie, there stood the elephant. Then came the camels. 
 Then we came to a darned old bear. P^urther on were the 
 lions and tigers and monkeys, but no electric light. We 
 walked three times around that old tent without coming to 
 his cage, and I got mad. Says I to one of the chaps over the 
 rope: ‘ Whar in thunder is the cage with the electric light in ? 
 We want to see him or have our money back!’ The feller he 
 grinned all over, and lots of folks laffed right out, and my 
 wife she flew up and said I’d made a fool of myself. ‘How?’ 
 says I. ‘Why, the electric light is not an animal at all,’ says 
 she, ‘ but it has something to do with the clown.’ We had a 
 big jaw right there. • She caved my hat in, and I broke her 
 parasol, and then I separated.” 
 
 “And you won’t make up?” 
 
 “Makeup! Never! She can take the electric light and 
 bake and eat him, but I’m a man who never crawls! I’m 
 going down to Toledo, I am, and by this time to-morror. I’ll 
 be drunker’ n a horse!” 
 
 “And you didn’t see the electric light after all?” 
 
 “ No ! I don’t believe they had any ! Maybe they thought 
 they could work that ’ere rhinoceros off on the public by an- 
 
12 
 
 THE FUKNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 Other name, but I tumbled in a minit. I’m an old rhinos my- 
 self, and my wife is another, and when I think of how I stood 
 there and let her call me a fool afore all the people, I’m mad 
 ’nulf to walk clear home and pizeii her half of the yoke of 
 oxen !” — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 TOOTH PULLING IN OIL CITY. 
 
 An Oil City man was standing in front of a dentist’s office 
 witli an anxious, unhappy look in his eyes, and two yards of 
 flannel round his lower jaw. He cast sorrowful glances up- 
 ward to the dentist’s sign, and in a hesitating sort of way 
 placed his foot on the lower stair ; then came out to the street 
 again as if he had forgotten something. Sol. Solon came 
 along at this moment, and, with a thoughtful interest in the 
 man’s welfare, said: 
 
 ‘‘Toothache, eh? Coin’ to have it pulled? Ever have a 
 tooth pulled ? No? Well, you’d better go right up afore 
 your courage fails you. Worst thing in the world is pullin’ a 
 tooth. I’ve been through the war, had both lungs shot away, 
 flrteen bullets in my head, and doctors run a probe through a 
 hole in my shoulder right down through my body to my toe 
 — thought ’twould kill me. But, man alive, I never knew 
 what pain was ’till I had a tooth pulled. Maybe you think 
 the toothache is horrible. It is. It’s awful ! But wait till 
 the dentist runs them air iron tongs in }^our mouth, pulls the 
 tooth right down through your jaw-bone, and then yanks away 
 as if he was pulling on an old engine, and yer’ll think the 
 toothache ain’t no more to be compared to it than a flea-bite is 
 to a railroad accident. Yer had better go right up though, 
 and have it out. Don’t let anything I said cause yer to back 
 out. I merely wanted to prepare your mind to it. An’ don’t 
 take ether. Knew a man oncet who took ether an’ he died. 
 It’s dangerous. Just go right up, an’ have it out. I’ll go u}> 
 with yer, and see how yer stand it when he begins twistin’ 
 the bones round. Yer won’t sleep a wink to-night if 
 3'er don’t have it out; and may be yer won’t anyhow, for 
 sometimes the tooth breaks the jaw, imflammatory rheuma- 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 13 
 
 tism strikes the what’s its-name nerve, and the what-thej-call- 
 it sets in.” 
 
 Just at this moment a young man practicing on a French 
 horn ill one of the upper rooms blew a long ear-piercing 
 blast, like the yell of a man in torment, and as the last sound 
 echoed through the hall, the Colonel said, “That’s it, there’s 
 some one gettin’ a tooth pulled now, and the dentist hasn’t 
 any more than just give the first twist either. Come right 
 up an’ have yours yanked. Whoop! there he goes again!” 
 as another terrible blast from the horn came down the stair- 
 case. “Hold on, hold!” yelled the Colonel — but he wasn’t 
 quick enough to stop the man with the aching tooth, who 
 rushed out of the doorway and down the street so fast that 
 his two yards of flannel became unwound and streamed behind 
 him like signals of danger, — while the villainous old Colonel 
 sat down on the lower step and laughed till his eyes ached. — 
 Oil City Derrick. 
 
 HIS LOST BANNER. 
 
 The police yesterday had a call from an old man who had 
 come down from Isabella county with his wife to see the State 
 Fair. He was in a heap of trouble over the fact that they had 
 become separated, twenty-four hours previously, and all his 
 hunting and inquiring had failed to get trace of her. He ex- 
 plained the separation as follows : 
 
 “You see, we was looking at the runnin’ races. Sich things 
 alius excite me, fur I’ve bin thar’ myself. The hoss I bet on 
 was losin’ ground, and I tried to climb a stump to swing my 
 hat and encourage him. That let the crowd in between me 
 and Hanner, and fast I know I couldn’t find her.” 
 
 “ How old is your wife?” asked the officer. 
 
 “About 22,” replied the old man, as the red came to his 
 face. “She’s my tliird wife, you see, and maybe I was a 
 leetle foolish.” 
 
 “ Did she have any young lovers?” 
 
 “ Piles of ’em.” 
 
 “ Were any of them at the State Fair?” 
 
 “ I believe I saw two or three.” 
 
14 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Old man,” said the officer, after a long pause, “I want 
 to ask you a question, and I hope you won’t be offended.” 
 “No, sir, I won’t be miffed at anything you ask.” 
 
 “Suppose, now, that your wife had — had ? That is to 
 
 say, suppose ?” 
 
 “ By gum !” exclaimed the old man, as he shut up his jack- 
 knife, “I believe I ketch your meaning. If Hanner has 
 played that trick on me, somehody’JI git shot.” 
 
 “That’s only my theory,” mused the officer. “Perhaps 
 she loves you and wouldn’t think of eloping.” 
 
 “I dunno about that — I dunno. I gave her a hundred and 
 twenty acres of mighty nice land before she’d have me. 
 What shall I do ? I feel as if I stood on a hot gridiron.” 
 “Take one more look over the grounds, and I’ll see you at 
 the grand stand in an hour.” 
 
 The old man hurried off at a canter, and when the hour 
 was up the officer walked down to the stand. There he found 
 a cross-eyed, lop-shouldered woman, sitting on the fence, with 
 her No. T feet displayed to the gaze of thousands. Beside 
 her was the old man. When he saw" the officer, he got down 
 and shook hands and whispered : 
 
 “That’s her, and she never even thought of eloping.” 
 
 The officer looked the youiig wife over from head to foot, 
 vnd was turning away when the old man whispered: 
 
 ‘‘I kin see them feet, and them eyes, and that shoulder, 
 just as plain as you kin, but I’m no fool ! Her mother is the 
 only woman in our county who weaves rag-carpets, and her 
 dad has lent me $200 without an indorser! And, say — ” 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “The land I gin her has twelve tax-titles and a mortgage 
 on it! See? Keluck — whoop! I’m no chicken.” 
 
 And he climbed up beside her, put his arm around her 
 waist, and yelled out that he would back the roan horse 
 .against the field . — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 MARK TWAIN ON TEE ANT. 
 
 In his “Tramp Abroad,” Mark says: “Now and then, 
 while we rested, we watched the laborious ant at his work. 
 I found nothing new in him — certainly nothing to change my 
 
TUljJ FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 17 
 
 “Well, if a hero jumped in after me I’d lean my head on 
 his shoulder like this, and let him put his right arm around 
 my waist and support me until help arrived.” 
 
 “ Hero be hanged! A hero would look nice holding up 
 190 pounds, wouldn’t he?” 
 
 “He’d look as nice as you^ would! I don’t believe you 
 could keep your head above water to save your life.” 
 
 couldn’t, eh! Then I won’t learn you a single stroke 
 about swimming!” 
 
 “ Then you needn’t!” 
 
 “And it any man ever jumps overboard and rescues you, 
 I’ll punch his head.” 
 
 “And if you ever jump in after anybody, I know I’ll have to 
 pay their funeral expenses out of my share of this property !’' 
 “ Yery well,” said Mr. Hopkins as he put cn his coat. “ 1 
 see I am not wanted in my own house. If I am not home to- 
 night it won’t do you any good to telephone me at the office, 
 for I shall have the wire grounded .” — Detroit Free Press, 
 
 SUCCESS WITH SMALL FRUITS. 
 
 Formerly the blackberry was regarded as merely a bramble 
 in this country. It is still quite generally so regarded. When 
 a man gets to thinking it is not a bramble, all he has to do is 
 to go waltzing around in a healthy patch, with nothing on him 
 but a cotton shirt and a pair of tow trousers, and he will come 
 out restored to the faith of his fathers. The greatest enemy 
 the blackberry has is boys. Five boys, from town, can eat 
 more green blackberries in a day than would ripen in a week. 
 For many years the great desideratum has been a hardy berry 
 that could res'st the premature onslaught of boys from the 
 town. It is a great desideratum still. The Schneider, a 
 variety that was invented by an Iowa horticulturist, is the 
 nearest approach to it. It is bred from a perfectly green ])cr- 
 simrnon, crossed with a dog- wood tree, and still further j)ropa- 
 gated with a hybrid of wormwood-bush and crab-apple. It is 
 not a perfect defense, but there are very few boys who care to 
 eat jnore than a quart of them. Nobody else, liowcver, can 
 go past the field where the Schneider is growi/ig, witliout being 
 
18 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 attacked with Asiatic cholera, and this tends to weaken the 
 partial success this hardy berry has achieved. Then tliere is 
 a bug — I do not know the name of it — that crawls over the 
 berries now and then. When you eat a berry that has been 
 glorified by a visit from this bug, you lie down in the briers 
 and pray Heaven to take you liome in just about three seconds. 
 And, if you live, you can wake up in the night, along in the 
 middle of the next winter, and shudder as you taste of 
 that berry. 
 
 When your blackberries grow too thickly, you will want to 
 thin them out. To this end you must kill some of them. This 
 can be done by digging a well where the plant stands, then 
 turn the farm upside down and let it dry out thoroughly for a 
 couple of years, then turn it over, upside down, and start a 
 brick-yard on the back of it. This will kill off some of the 
 plants. There may be some shorter and cheaper method of 
 killiijg blackberry bushes than this, but I never heard of it, 
 and it isn’t likely that there is any. 
 
 If you want to devote about forty acres of ground to the 
 cultivation of blackberries, plant about three healthy vines in 
 some corner of th-e field, about the 1st of April. Then, about 
 the 1st of May, the man who owms the farm on the other side 
 of the road will bring civil action against you, and try 
 to collect damages for destruction of his twm fields of wheat 
 by a raid of blackberry vines. 
 
 It is not known just at wdiat season of the year blackberries 
 ripen. The blackberry has never been known to ripen. If 
 the hucksters and boys should all die in June, it is probable 
 that the berries would ripen some time in July or August. 
 But they have never had a chance to see what they could do 
 at ripening. 
 
 The blackberry is so named because it is blue, in order to 
 distinguish it from the blueberry, which is black . — Burlington 
 Hawkey e. 
 
 THE NEW ^^ANN 1 111 L AT O RN 
 
 Bright and early yesterday morning. Prof. James K. P. 
 Burlingame made his appearance on several streets in Detroit 
 almost at the same moment. You would have known him to 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 19 
 
 be a Professor, even if you had seen him tangled up with the 
 wheels of a butcher-cart. That tall plug hat, carrying the 
 stains of years — that linen duster girted at the waist — his long 
 hair hanging down to keep his shoulders warm, was a dead 
 givm-away on his title. 
 
 The Professor came here to dispose of individual rights to 
 use his “Fly Annihilator,” and he didn’t let thoughts of the 
 next Presidential election set him down on a bench. His pic- 
 colo voice inquired of a woman at the front door of a house 
 on Congress street east : 
 
 “ Madam, have you ten seconds to spare this morning?” 
 
 “Ho, sir!” was her prompt reply. 
 
 “Very well; then you will miss seeing my Fly Annihi- 
 lator,” he remarked, as he walked off. “Thousands have 
 missed it to their everlasting sorrow — thousands have accepted 
 it and been made happy for life.” 
 
 “It’s some kind o’ pizen !” she called after him down the 
 street. 
 
 “Warranted free from all drugs or chemicals dangerous to 
 the human system, and recommended to people troubled with 
 sleeplessness,” he called back as he briskly retraced his steps. 
 
 “I’ve got screens in every window, and yet the flies get in,” 
 she continued, as he opened his satchel on the steps. 
 
 “Of course they do — of course. A fly is like a human be- 
 ing. Bar him out and he is seized with a desire to get in at 
 any price. Tell him he can’t, and he will or break his neck. 
 Fling away your screens and depend entirely on my fly-anni- 
 hilator, warranted to kill on sight, and can be worked by a 
 child four years old. This is the application.” 
 
 He took from the satchel an eight-ounce bottle filled with a 
 dark liquid! and provided with a small brush, and, liolding it 
 up, continued : 
 
 “One 25-cent bottle does for twenty doors, and I give you 
 directions how to make all you want. No poison here — 
 nothing in this bottle to trot little children up to the cem- 
 etery” 
 
 “Why, you don’t put it on the flies, do you?” she asked. 
 
 “Not altogether, madam. An}^ child can use it, as I said 
 belore. Just watch me a moment.” 
 
 He swung the front door open, and with the brush applied 
 
20 
 
 TUK FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 the mixture to the back edge, giving it a thin coat from top 
 to bottom. 
 
 “Now, then,"’ he said, as he swung the door back, “flies 
 like sweet. This mixture is sweet. The fly alights on the 
 door, and you swing it shut, and ho is jammed against the 
 casing and crushed in an instant. Every door is capable ot 
 killing 1,000 flies per day. If you have twelve do(>rs your 
 aggregate of dead flies will be exactly 12,100. When you 
 have crushed about 2,000 on a door, take an old knife and 
 scrape them off and begin over again.” 
 
 “ Do you suppose !” began the indignant woman, but 
 
 he interrupted lier with: 
 
 “Don’t suppose anything about it, except that it will mash 
 flies and never miss. All you have to do is to open every 
 door, apply the mixture, and then shut them in succe8sir)n. 
 If you have twelve doors and twelve children, you can leave 
 it all to the children. And only 25 cents per bottle.” 
 
 “Do you think I want all my doors daubed up with flies 
 and molasses?” she shouted, as she made a cuff at the bottle. 
 
 “Just as you prefer, madam,” he quietly replied. “Some 
 do and some don’t. Some won’t have it at any price, and 
 others even set up extra doors in the back-yard in order to use 
 lots of it. I’ll warrant this liquid to draw ’em, if you’ll only 
 open and shut the doors.” 
 
 “ I won’t buy it — I won’t have it!” she shouted, as she 
 jammed the broom against the door. 
 
 “ Very well, madam; very well. If you prefer a fly on 
 your nose to one on the door I can raise no objections. Re- 
 member, however, that this is my farewell tour previous to 
 appearing before the crowned heads of Europe, and you will 
 not have another chance to secure the annihilator. All you 
 have to do is to take your sewing on your lap and open and 
 shut the door at regular intervals.” 
 
 “If my husband was here he’d — he’d ” 
 
 “He’d buy the right for this county and make $20,000 in 
 two months ; but, as he is not here, we’ll- bid you good-day 
 and pass on. Sorry, madam, but some folks prefer to kill 
 tltfclr flies with a pitchfork, and the man with pitchforks will 
 call here in fifteen minutes .” — Detroit Free Press. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 21 
 
 BRO. GARB NEWS LIMEKILN CLUB. 
 
 “Las nite, soon arter de bells struck ’leben,” began the old 
 man as the meeting opened, “ some pusson to me unknown 
 hurled a ten-poun’ rock agin mj front doah. By de time I 
 could get outer bed an’ git ray collar an’ neck-tie on de said 
 pusson had made his escape. I has libed in dis town risin’ of 
 nineteen y’ars, an’ dis am de fust time[ war eber disturbed. 
 It shows dat sounthin’ said heah agin some of de bad habits 
 which some of our cullud folkses has fallen into has hit de 
 mark an’ gone home. I shall, howsumbeber, keep right on 
 talkin’ to de bes’ ob my ability, and would furder add dat if 
 I cotch any low-down man in de act of bangin’ my house wid 
 a rock, I shall, for de space of de succeedin’ seben minnits, 
 forgit dat I eber jined de church or rung de bell for de Thurs- 
 day ebenin’ prayer-meetin’. I menshun dis circumstance 
 simply bekase dar was a report on de streets yesterday dat a 
 murderer had broken inter my cabin an’ killed de’ ole woman 
 an’ crippled me for life. We will now purceed wid de straight- 
 aiged order of business.” 
 
 The Committee on Agriculture submitted the following 
 well- written report: 
 
 Whar’as, Great big red-cored watermellyons from de Stait 
 of Alabama hev made dar ’pearance in market; an’, 
 
 Whar’as, De openin’ of de mellyon sezun am an occashun 
 fur gineral rejoicin’ ’mong de cullud populashun ; now, dar- 
 forte, 
 
 Resolved, Dat dis Club does hereby rejoice an’ soun’ de 
 loud cimball in honor of de event. 
 
 The report and resolution were accepted, and the janitor 
 was instructed to see that the next meeting was supplied with 
 at least ten large and well-developed specimens of the water- 
 melon tribe. 
 
 A communication from the office of the Secretary of the 
 State of Indiana, signed “per Smith,” inquired if tlie Lime- 
 kiln Club was in harmony with an Indianapolis organization 
 known as “The Dusky Knights of Honor.” The said Asso- 
 ciation had been getting trusted for crackers and herrings on 
 the strength of being a branch lodge of the Detroit Club. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to repudiate the organization, 
 
22 
 
 thp: funniest book of all. 
 
 tooth and nail, and to forward a postal card to every Lime- 
 kilner in Indiana, warning him to beware of it. 
 
 Some time since tlie relations between pastor and congre- 
 gation in a certain colored church in Michigan became so 
 inharmonious that it became necessary to bounce one party or 
 the other. At a church meeting the preacher was called. a 
 liar, and in return he upset a deacon wdth a blow on the jaw. 
 It was decided to submit the case to Brother Gardner in the 
 following form : 
 
 “ ’Sposen you was a preacher of de gospel, an’ de leadin’ 
 elder of your church called you a liah?” Would you hit him 
 or forgib him ?” 
 
 “If dey wants my opinyun on dat case it can soon be 
 gibben,” said the old man as he rose up. “If I war a 
 preacher of de gospel an’ de leadin’ elder, or any odder elder, 
 called me a liah, an’ he war in dead airnest, I’d light down 
 on him like an elefant rollin’ ober a lamb! Yes I would, an’^ 
 den I’d ax him if he had any friends who wanted to see me 
 wid my coat off an’ my muscle worked up. I doan go a cent 
 on de man who gets such a fill of religion dat folks can make 
 a foot-ball of him.” 
 
 George Washington Harmony, of Richmond, Va., far- 
 warded a communication to the effect that he was the 
 inventor of a patent whitewash brush which worked by 
 means of a crank and hopper, and in case his expenses 
 were paid to Detroit and back he would deliver three lectures 
 on the patent, and present one to the Club, lie further in- 
 quired if the membership tickets used by the Club would ad- 
 mit the bearer into a circus. 
 
 The Secretary was instructed to write for a cut of the inven- 
 tion, and to reply to the last inquiry that an arrangement had 
 been proposed by Barnum, but the contract had not yet been 
 signed. It may be stated here that the tattooed man is an 
 honorary member of the Club, and that Mr. Barnum has 
 promised to present it with a stuffed giraffe at the earliest 
 possible day. 
 
 A favorable opportunity having presented itself, the Glee 
 Club wrestled with the following, which Giveadam Jones 
 composed several weeks since, and which he wanted sung, as 
 an experiment : 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OP ALL. 
 
 98 
 
 Experience has amply proved, 
 
 And the fiat of the Medical * 
 
 Faculty authenticates the 
 Statement, that quinine is . 
 
 The most reliable specific 
 For malarial fevers and a 
 Tonic and nervine of singular 
 
 Efficiency. In its usual ; 
 
 Form the bitterness of the fla- 
 vor constitutes an objection 
 To it with — ” 
 
 At this point the President’s gavel came down with such a 
 bang that the musician who was playing the fastest and sing- 
 ing the loudest was nearly upset. Inquiries were made as to 
 the author of the poem, and Mr. Jones was walked to the 
 front and asked to explain. A few words convinced him that 
 his experiment was a failure, and he was warned that any 
 further public efforts on his part to add to the harmony of the 
 proceedings by song-writing would give him a seat on the back 
 benches. 
 
 The Committee on Internal Improvements here announced 
 their readiness to make a special report. Some days since 
 Brother Samuel Shin, one of the charter members of the club, 
 was charged with drunkenness, and the committee was in- 
 structed to investigate and bring their findings before tlie 
 lodge. The report was as follows : 
 
 ‘‘ De charge was dat on a certain day an’ date Brudder Shin 
 was noticed to fall down five times while gwine from a certain 
 butcher-shop to his house, a distance of two blocks. Fo’ white 
 men an’ a boy testified to dis fack befo’ dis committee. Brud- 
 der Shin came befo’ dis committee wid de statement dat when 
 de wind am in de east and de air full o’ ’lectricity he am sub- 
 ject to blindness, as was de case dat day. His statement am 
 s’ ported by his wife an’ dorter, who hev eben known him to 
 fall down on de doah-step at midnight. Dis committee, takin’ 
 all tings inter consideiashun, hez arrove at de concliishun dat 
 Brudder Shin hez cl’ared hisself of de charge of drunkenness, 
 an’ do so report.” 
 
 There was deep silence for half a minute, and then Brother 
 Gardner (juietly observed: 
 
24 
 
 THE FUNNIEST HOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Brudder Shin, you hev bin investigated an’ cl’ared of de 
 charge, but in de fucher I want you to keep your eye on de 
 wedder-vanes aroun’ town, an’ when you see de wind shiftin’ 
 do you make tracks fur hum. We will now dissolve . — Detroit 
 Free Press. 
 
 POET AND N E WSPAP EE-MAN. 
 
 Anybody could tell what he had. Every man in the sanc- 
 tum knew in a minute. The timid knock at the door gave 
 him clear away at the very start. No man or woman ever 
 knocks at a sanctum door unless he comes on that fatal errand. 
 Then he came inside and took off his hat and bowed all round 
 the room, when every man on the staff roared out in terrible 
 chorus, ‘'Come in!” Then he asked for the editor, and when 
 tlie underlings, with a fine mingling of truth and grammar, 
 pointed to the youngest and the newest man in the office and 
 yelled, “That’s him!” lie walked up to the young gentleman 
 designated, and before he could unroll his manuscript we knew 
 die subject of it, and a deep groan echoed around the room. 
 
 “Poetry, young man?” asked the editor. 
 
 “Yes, sir,” said the poet; “a couple of triolets and a son- 
 net on the marriage of my sister with an old college friend.” 
 
 “Old college friend male or female, young man?” asked 
 the editor, severely. 
 
 “Male, sir,” said the young man. 
 
 He said “ sir ” every tune, and every time he said it all the 
 young gentlemen of the staff, save the young gentleman who 
 personated the Governor, snickered. lie looked severe. 
 
 “Anything more, young man?” he asked. 
 
 “Yes, sir,” replied the infant Tennyson; “a kind of an 
 idyl, an ode inscribed ‘To My Lost Love.’ ” 
 
 “Love been lost very long?” asked the journalist, very 
 critically. 
 
 “Well, it’s immaterial, that is,” stammered the young man ; 
 “it’s indefinite — it’s ” 
 
 “ Ever advertised for it?” asked the reporter who was writing 
 a puff for Slab’s tombstones, but who was instantly frowned 
 down. 
 
 “Anything more?” asked the principal interlocutor, “any- 
 thing more, young man ?” 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 25 
 
 ‘‘Yes, sir,” was the hopeful response; “a threnody in 
 memory of my dejDarted brother.” 
 
 “ Brother dead, young man, or only gone to Sagetown?” 
 
 “Bead, sir.” 
 
 “Your own brother?” 
 
 “No, sir. I never had a’real brother; it’s only imaginary.” 
 
 “Can’t take this, then, young man,” was the chilling reply. 
 ^‘Poetry, to find acceptance with Hawkey must be true. 
 Have to reject this threnody, not because it is not very beauti- 
 ful, but because it is not true. Now, how much do you want 
 for those others?” And he fingered them over like a man 
 buying rnink-skins. 
 
 The poet really didn’t know. He had never published be- 
 fore ; he had barely dared to hope to have his verses pub- 
 lished at all. A few copies of the paper containing them, he 
 was sure 
 
 “Oh, no,” the editor broke in, “oh, no, no, sir; can’t do 
 that; we don’t do business that way. If a poem or sketch is 
 worth publishing, it is worth paying for. Would $15 pay you 
 for these?” 
 
 The poet blushed to the fioor with gratitude, and the young 
 journalist grandly wrote out an order and handed it to the 
 poet. 
 
 “ Take that to the court-house,” he said, “and the Audi- 
 tor’s clerk will give you the money.” 
 
 The poet bowed and withdrew, and with great merriment 
 the journalists burned his poems and resumed their work. 
 
 That wasn’t the funny part of it, however. The next day 
 the simple minded poet presented his order to the clerk desig- 
 nated. And it was so that the clerk owed the paper $18 for 
 subscription and advertising, and he promptly cashed the 
 •order and turned it in when his bill was presented, and the 
 manager just charged it to the salary account of the smart 
 young journalist who signed the order, and the happiest man 
 and the maddest man in America are living in Burlington. 
 One of them is a happy, green, unso])histicated young machine 
 poet, and the other is a wide-awake, up-to-snufi‘, know-the- 
 world, get-up-and-dust young journalist, who is already a rival 
 of Horace Greeley in some of the verbal departments of jour- 
 nalisin . — Burlinyton Hawkeye. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 2() 
 
 MARK TWAIN ON BLUE JAYS. 
 
 Mr. Mark Twain’s two volumes of European travel, enti- 
 tled “The Tramp Abroad,” contain liis estimate of the blue 
 jay. With his well-known proclivity for modesty the author 
 presents this estimate in the words of a certain “Jim” Baker, 
 a ralifornia miner : “There’s more to a blue jay than any 
 
 other creature. He has got more moods and more different 
 kinds of feeling than any other creature; and mind you, what- 
 ever a blue jay feels he can put into language. And no mere 
 commonplace language, either, but rattling, out-and-out book 
 talk — and bristling with metaphor, too — just bristling! And 
 as for command of language — why, you never see a blue jay 
 get stuck for a word. No man ever did. They just boil out 
 of him. And another thing, I’ve noticed a good deal, and 
 tliere’s no bird, or cow, or anything that uses as good gram- 
 mar as a blue jay. You may say a cat uses good grammar. 
 Well, a cat does — but you let a cat get excited once; you let 
 a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and 
 you’ll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant 
 people think it’s the noise which fighting cats make that is so 
 aggravating, but it ain’t so, it’s the sickening grammar they 
 use. Now, I’ve never heard a jay use bad grammar but very 
 seldom ; and when they do, they are as ashamed as a human ; 
 they shut right down and leave. 
 
 “ You may call a jay a bird. Well, so he is, in a measure 
 — because he^s got feathers on him, and don’t belong to no 
 church, perhaps; but otherwise he is just as much a human 
 as you be. And I’ll tell you for why. A jay’s gifts and in- 
 stincts and feelings and interests cover the whole ground. A 
 jay hasn’t got any more principle than a Congressman. A 
 jay will lie, a jay will steal, a jay will deceive, a jay will be- 
 tray ; and four times out of five a jay will go back on his sol- 
 emnist promise. The sacredness of an obligation is a thing 
 which you can’t cram into no blue jay’s head. Now, on top 
 of all this, there’s another thing ; a jay can outswear any 
 gentleman in the mines. You think a cat can swear. Wei), 
 a cat can ; but you give a blue jay a subject that calls for his 
 reserve powers, and where is your cat? Don’t talk to me — I 
 know too much about this thing. And there’s yet another 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALB. 
 
 2T 
 
 thing; in the one little particular of scolding — just good^ 
 clean out-and-out scolding — a blue jay can overlay anything^ 
 human or divine. Yes, sir, a jay is everything that a man is. 
 A jay can cry, a jay can laugh, a jay can feel shame, a jay 
 can reason and plan and discuss, a jay likes gossip and scan- 
 dal, a jay has got a sense of humor, a jay knows when he is 
 an ass just as well as you do — maybe better. If a jay ain’t 
 human, he’d better take in his sign, that’s all.” 
 
 LONG RANGE SHOOTING. 
 
 Nat. Willey did not like to give up beat when it came to 
 yarns of shooting; for Nat., irr his youth and early manhood, 
 had been somewhat noted as a sportsman, both with the gun 
 and the fishing rod. Born and reared in the shadows of the- 
 White Mountains ; nearly related to the unfortunate family 
 whose monument in the ‘‘ Willy Notch” is the work of thou- 
 sands of syujpathizers — he had lived in the time when game 
 was plenty, both in wood and water. 
 
 On a certain autumnal evening Nat. sat in the spacious bar- 
 room of the Conway House, where a goodly company were 
 gathered around a great open fire of blazing logs, when the 
 conversation turned upcm rifle-shooting as compared with the 
 shot-gun ; and those who advocated the rifle based their claims 
 for superiority partly on its longer range. And this led to 
 stories of long ranges ; and the distances to which one or two- 
 of those ])resent had fired a rifle-ball, with killing effect, was 
 wonderful. Nat. had listened, but had said nothing of his 
 own j)rowess. (J)ne man, from Virginia, told several marvel- 
 ous stories, one of which was to the effect that his father, who 
 had been one of the pioneers into Kentuck}', had once owned 
 a rifle with which he had killed a deer at the distance of two; 
 miles ! 
 
 “ I know it seems almost incredible,” he said, in conclusion ; 
 “ but the ground was measured by a practiced surveyor, and 
 that was the sworn result.” 
 
 A brief silence followed this, which was broken by Charley 
 Head, who said to Old Nat. : 
 
28 
 
 \' /' 
 
 THE FUNJS'IEfeT BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Look here, Uncle Nat, how about that ritie that General 
 Sam. Knox gave to you ? If I don’t forget, that could shoot 
 some.” 
 
 “You mean the one that I had to fire salted balls from, 
 eh?” 
 
 “ Yes. Tell us about it.” 
 
 “Pshaw! It don’t matter. Let the old piece rest in its 
 glory.’ 
 
 And the old resident would have sat back out of the way, 
 blit the story-tellers had become suddenly interested. 
 
 Let us hear about it,” pleaded the gentleman whose father 
 had been a compatriot with Daniel Boone. “Did I under- 
 stand you that you salted your bullets?” 
 
 “Always,” said Nat, seriously and emphatically. 
 
 “ And wherefore, pray ?” 
 
 “Because,” answered the old mountaineer, with simple 
 honesty in look and tone, “that rifle killed at such a distance 
 that, otherwise, especially in warm weather, game would spoil 
 with age hefore 1 could reach it.’’’’ — S. C.^ Jr.^ in Ledger. 
 
 BEATING A CONDUCTOR. 
 
 A passenger going West from Detroit by rail, the other 
 day, had a pass to Chicago. When the conductor took it up 
 he asked several question to satisfy himself that the pass had 
 not been transferred, and the holder of the pasteboard didn’t 
 take it as good-naturedly as some men would. He didn’t 
 have much to say, but he was determined on revenge. As 
 soon as the conductor left the car, the man changed seats, re- 
 moved his linen duster, took off his hat, and looked like a 
 different person altogether. After the train left the next sta- 
 tion the conductor came along with an eye out for new pas- 
 sengers, and presently reached out for the holder of the pass. 
 
 “I haven’t got any ticket,” was the surly answer. 
 
 “ Then you must pay your fare.” 
 
 “I won’t do it.” 
 
 “See here,” said the conductor, as he began to wake up, 
 “you must either pay your fare or produce a ticket. If not, 
 I’ll drop you on the road.” 
 
 “ Drop and be hanged !” 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 29 
 
 The train was not stopped, but after a run of ten minutes 
 it reached a station, and arrangements were made for bounc- 
 ing the man. Wlien all was completed he showed his pass. 
 
 “A¥hj didn’t you tell me you had a pass?” roared the 
 conductor. 
 
 “ Why didn’t you ask me ?” shouted the traveler. 
 
 ‘‘ Well, I don’t like such fooling.” 
 
 “ ISTor I, either.” 
 
 The train went on, and the man put on his duster, traded 
 hats with a passenger, and again looked like some one else. 
 He changed his seat to the front end of the car, and was- 
 seemingly sound asleep when the conductor again had occa- 
 sion to pass through. He took two fares, and then held out 
 his hand to the traveler. There was no response. He shook 
 the sleeper gently, but the latter slept on. Then he shook 
 him good and stout, and called ‘‘ticket” in his ear. 
 
 “ How dare you shake me around in this manner ?” shouted 
 the man as he awoke and stood up. 
 
 “Ticket, please.” 
 
 “But I don’t please! How dare you come to me every 
 time the train leaves a station?” 
 
 The conductor looked down the aisle, thought he saw the 
 man with the pass in his old seat, and said to the other : 
 
 “Come, sir, don’t bother me. I want your ticket.” 
 
 “You can’t have it!” 
 
 “Then I’ll put you off!” 
 
 He reached for the bell-rope, but seeing a general grin all 
 around the car he stopped and looked more closely at the 
 man, and recognized him as the one with the pass. He went 
 out without a word, and when he returned, half an hour later, 
 he expected another trap. He looked carefully over the car, 
 and was going slowly along in search of new faces, when a 
 man with his coat off, and under the influence of liquor called 
 out: 
 
 “ Shay, Captain, I hain’t got any ticket !” 
 
 “ Ah, you can’t beat me again — knew you as soon as I en- 
 tered the car?” chuckled the otflcial, and he walked on with 
 a broad grin on his face. 
 
 It was not until he saw the shirt-sleeved man get off at the 
 next station that he knew he had been mistaken again, and 
 
so 
 
 THE FDNNIE&T BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 bad let him travel for nothing, while the man with the pass 
 was in the smoking-car. — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 HAD HIS POCKET PICKED. 
 
 On the fair-grounds yesterday an honest-looking old chap 
 walked up to a policeman, and, after passing a few remarks 
 on the weather, let out with : 
 
 “iSee here — I’ve had my pocket picked.” 
 
 “Is that so?” asked the officer. “How long ago was it?” 
 “Yesterday forenoon.” 
 
 “And didn’t you report it?” 
 
 “Ho; this is the first I’ve said about it.” 
 
 “How much did you lose?” 
 
 “Wall,” slowly replied the visitor, “I didn’t lose much. I 
 believe it was only about 30 cents, or along there. I first 
 thought I wouldn’t say anything, as folks might think I was 
 green, but after a hard struggle of most two days I have con- 
 eluded that justice must take her course, no matter how bad 
 it makes me feel. If you can recover the money. I’ll divide 
 even up with you, and mebbe we can scare the feller into pay- 
 ing me 50 cents for my worry !” 
 
 The pickpocket still rejoices in his freedom. — Detroit Free 
 Press. 
 
 SIGHS A HD PORTEHTS. 
 
 When the crescent of the young moon sets supinely, its horns 
 in the air, it is a sign of dry weather, because in this position 
 it holds all the water, thus preventing its fall to the earth. 
 This is also a sign of wet weather, the explanation in this case 
 being that a waterfull moon is emblematic of a water-soaked 
 earth. Don’t forget this sign of the new moon. It is rarely 
 you will find one so impartially accommodating. 
 
 Whoever finds a four-leaf clover is generally a liar. It is so 
 much easier to detach one leaf from a five-leaf stalk than to 
 hunt for one with four that the temptation to mendacity is too 
 much for average clay. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 31 
 
 When a mouse gnaws a hole in a gown, some misfortune 
 may be apprehended. The misfortune has already happened 
 to the gown, and may be apprehended to happen to the mouse. 
 
 An old sign is that a child grows proud if sulfered to look 
 into a mirror while less than 12 months old. But what the 
 average infant can see in a nurror to make it proud is difficult 
 for any but its parents to understand. 
 
 A rosy sky in the west at evening indicates that the next 
 day will be pleasant, barring accidents of rain, snow, and hail. 
 
 If you take down your shingle, preparatory to putting it up 
 in a new location, it is a sign you are moving. 
 
 If a hen runs across the street directly in front of you, it is 
 a sign that a hen will soon be on the other side. If she cross- 
 es over just behind you — pshaw! who ever knew a hen that 
 wouldn’t die in her tracks rather than cross one’s pathway in 
 his rear ? 
 
 When you see a cat running around furiously, it is a sign 
 that the crockery or glassware is in danger. 
 
 When you drop a knife and it sticks in the floor, it is a sign 
 that some one is corning. If you are a small boy, ’that some 
 one may be your mother, and her coming be to remonsti'ate 
 with you with her slipper. 
 
 To dream of a wedding is a sign of inanition. 
 
 To dream cf a funeral betokens too much poi’kand cabbage. 
 
 To dream of finding money betokens that it is easier to 
 dream of finding money than to work for it. 
 
 I'o dream that it is Sunday morning is heaven. 
 
 To be suddenly awakened from your sweetest sleep to find 
 that it is not Sunday is — that is to say, very disagreeable. 
 It is a sign that you will be unhappy. 
 
 A great many more equally infallible signs might be given, 
 but the reader has jrrobably had enough for one day. The 
 man who believes in signs is credulous enough to believe that 
 our knowledge in that line, as well as in every other line, is 
 inexhaustible . — Boston Transcript. 
 
 B RUDDER GARDNERS PATRIOT/ SAL 
 
 “ To die for one’s kentry am gk;rus,” began the old man 
 as he arose in his majesty, “ but to live to plant beans and set 
 
32 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 out onions and raise taters am bettah still. I want to say now 
 and heah, befo’ de politycal campaign is busted, dat any 
 member ob dis club wno neglects his garden patch to hurrah 
 for any candidate, or help along any boom, will be walked up 
 heah powerful sudden ! Polyticks nebber yit put a dollar in 
 any honest man’s pocket, nor added an honest loaf of bread 
 to any laborin’ man’s cupboard. De offis-hunter who will 
 shake hands wid you an’ buy vile whisky fur your stomach, 
 will, to-morrow, coldly pass you by an’ sec you want for 
 bread. Let ’em alone. Let dem do de hurrahin’, de boomin’, 
 de marchin’, an’ de drinkin’, an’ you’ll hab a bettah-lookin’ 
 coat on yer back, an’ more respect fur yerself under your 
 wests. Dat’s all just now, but I shell keep de subjec’ in 
 pickle fur a furder occashun .” — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 THE STATE FAIR TRICK, 
 
 Soon after breakfast, yesterday morning, a negro who was- 
 crossing the Campus Martius was halted by a run-down white 
 man with a bad kink in his left eye, and asked if he intended 
 to visit the State Fair during the week. 
 
 “Yes, sah — Ize gwine up dar at least fo’ times,” was the- 
 reply. 
 
 “Boy, are you up to snuff?” whispered the stranger. 
 
 “Well, sah, I knows a trick or two.” 
 
 “Good — I thought you did. Now, then, I want 10 cents- 
 to get a drink, and I’ll tell you how you can make your way 
 through any of the gates without the least trouble.” 
 
 “Wouldn’t I be cotched?” 
 
 “Not a bit of it. I’ll warrant you to go through without 
 a word, and I only want 10 cents for telling you how. I 
 wouldn’t give it away to anybody but a sharp, keen man like 
 you.” 
 
 “ Well, I’ll take dat in,” said the negro as he handed over 
 a dime. “Now, den, how kin I pass de gates?” 
 
 The white man put his mouth close to the other’s ear and 
 replied : 
 
 “Fay ’em 50 cents!” 
 
 It would have been a pretty even fight, but an officer came 
 along and squelched it in the blossom . — Detroit Free Press. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 33 
 
 THE DIGNITY OF OFFICE. 
 
 A Detroiter, who was rusticating in one of the wilderness 
 counties of Michigan, was one day out hunting when he came 
 upon a hamlet consisting of a saw-mill, two houses and a log 
 barn. The sign of “Post Office” greeted his vision over a 
 door in one of the houses, and he investigated. The office 
 was an eight by ten room, and the boxes for mail matter num- 
 bered just four. A written sign on the wall announced that 
 the mail arrived and departed once a week, and the Postmas- 
 ter sat behind a pine table reading the Postal Guide and chew- 
 ing a sassafras root. 
 
 “Any letter for John ?” asked the Detroiter, as he 
 
 looked around. 
 
 The P. M. didn’t shake his head and crush the inquirer’s 
 hopes all at once, as some officials do, but slowly arose, looked 
 carefully into each one of the six empty boxes, peered into ar> 
 old cigar box on the window-sill, and then answered : 
 
 “I don’t see anything just now, but it is only four days till 
 the next mail.” 
 
 “Is this a money-order office?” continued the stranger. 
 
 “ Well, no, not exactly, though we handle considerable 
 money here.” 
 
 “ Can I get a dollar’s worth of threes?” asked the Detroit- 
 er, after a pause. 
 
 “Well, no, not exactly,” replied the official, looking into 
 his wallet. “I guess I can spare five or six now and the rOvSt 
 next week.” 
 
 There was another pause as the Postmaster vainly tried to 
 make change for a quarter, and the Detroiter finally remarked: 
 
 “This isn’t rated as a first-class post-office, is it?” 
 
 “Well, no, not exactly,” was the confidential reply. “Fact 
 is, we don’t do a very rushing business hero, and sometimes I 
 think it would pay me better to go back to the farm.” 
 
 “I don’t suppose you make $20 a year here, do you?” 
 
 “ Well, no, not exactly; but I don’t look at that altogetlier. 
 The position that it gives us in society here must be taken into 
 consideration, you know!” 
 
 The population of the hamlet, including a tame bear and a 
 dog, was only thirteen souls . — Detroit Free Press. 
 
u 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 AGRl CU LTURAL COMMENT ON THE 
 
 CARS. 
 
 “ The wheat never looked better,” remarked the sad pas- 
 senger, gazing out of the window. 
 
 “ Where is there any wheat?” asked the fat passenger. 
 
 “ I don’t know,” was the calm reply ; “I don’t really know 
 that there is any wheat in Wyandotte County, but everybody 
 always talks about the wheat looking finely at this time of the 
 year, and I know that it must be the proper thing to say.” 
 
 “ That is wheat in the field on our right,” said the man on 
 the wood-box. 
 
 “ That green stulf?” echoed all the other passengers, rush- 
 ing to the window. 
 
 “Yes,” he replied, “that bright, dark-green stuff.” 
 
 ^ “Why,” they chorused again, in disappointed tones, “it 
 looks like grass.” 
 
 ‘‘I thought wheat was yellow,” said the passenger with the 
 sandy goatee ; “ don’t they always talk about the yellow fields 
 and the golden grain?” 
 
 “That’s when it is ripe,” exclaimed the man on the wood- 
 box. 
 
 “ Wheat yellow when it’s ripe?” incredulously cried the 
 sad passenger. “ I guess you’re thinking of corn-meal. JIow 
 could thfey make white bread out of yellow wheat?” 
 
 “There are two kinds of wheat, aren’t there?” asked the 
 tall, thin passenger. 
 
 “ Yes,” said the man on the wood-box, “spring and winter.” 
 
 “ How do they differ?” 
 
 “Well,” the man on the wood-box said, “spring wheat is 
 planted in the spring, and winter wheat is planted in the win- 
 ter.” 
 
 “I have heal’d farmers talk of fall wheat,” the fat passen- 
 ger said. 
 
 “Yes,” the man on the wood-box assented ; and then, in 
 answer to their looks of inquiry, he added, “it is planted in 
 the fall.” 
 
 “ I thought,” the passenger with the sandy goatee remark- 
 ed, “that spring wheat was planted in the fall and harvested 
 in the spring?” 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 35 
 
 The man on the wood-box said : “Yes, he believed, come 
 
 to think of it, that was the way of it.” 
 
 “ And winter wheat, then,” the sad passenger suggested, 
 “is planted in the spring and harvested in the winter ?” 
 
 The man on the wood-box shifted uneasily in his seat and 
 looked nervously up and down the car. 
 
 “Well, yes,” he said, “he guessed it was that way.” 
 
 “ Then fall wheat?” asked the fat passenger, earnestly. 
 And the man on the wood-box bit off the end of a match, 
 took off his hat and looked into it, and finally said he believed 
 it wasn’t planted until next fall. 
 
 “ Then you get three crops of wheat,” said the sad passen- 
 ger, “ofi* the same field in one year?” 
 
 The man on the wood-box said “yes,” but so faintly that 
 he had to repeat it twice before they could hear him. 
 
 “ Which is the best wheat?” asked the tall, thin passenger. 
 The man on the wood-box was heard by a strange passen 
 ger to whisper to the stovepipe that “he wished he was dead,” 
 but he rallied a little and said : 
 
 “For bread ?” 
 
 “Yes, for bread.” 
 
 The man on the wood-box opened his mouth to reply, when 
 he caught the eye of the woman who talks bass fixed upon 
 him with a strange, intense expression. He got off his perch, 
 walked down the aisle to the disused and abandoned water- 
 tank, looked around for the long-lost tin cup, drew some hy- 
 pothetical water .into it out of the empty tank, took a long 
 drink of nothing out of it, and as he came back to his seat, 
 the subdued croak of the woman who talks bass and the com- 
 posed countenances of the otlier passengers ccmvinced him 
 they had been laughing about something. But he didn’t 
 seem to care what it was about, for he didn’t ask, and pres- 
 ently he drew liis hat down over his eyes and dissembled 
 sleep. — Burlington Ilawkeye. 
 
 TllK INDIAN AND THE TELEPHONE. 
 
 An amusing application of the wonders of the telephone as 
 an assistant detective of crime comes to us from Julian. 
 Several horses were recently stolen in that neighborhood, and 
 
36 
 
 THE FUNKIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 suspicion fell upon a certain Indian as the thief. Some one 
 having introduced a telephone up there, the same was being 
 exhibited, when it occurred to the owner of the stolen horses 
 to get the Indian to come in and hear the ‘‘Great Spirit” 
 talk. The Indian took one of the cups and was thrilled with 
 astonishment at being apparently so near the Great Keeper of 
 the Happy Hunting Grounds. After some little time spent in 
 wonderment, the Indian was solemnly commanded by the 
 Great Spirit to “give up those stolen horses!” Dropping 
 the cup as if he had been shot, the Indian immediately confessed 
 to having stolen the horses, and tremblingl}^ promised, if his 
 life was spared, he would restore the “cabailos ” at once, and 
 he did so . — San Diego {Cal.) Union. 
 
 A TELEPEO NE STORY. 
 
 “You’ve got a telephone here, haven’t you ?” asked a citi- 
 zen as he yesterday entered an office on Griswold street in a 
 seeming great hurry. 
 
 “Yes,” was the reply. 
 
 “ Well, I never believed in ’em to any great extent, but I 
 want to order some coal from a yard up the river.” 
 
 The owner of the office proceeded to “call,” and when he 
 got the coal dealers he said : 
 
 “Mr. Blank is here, and he wants to know if you have any 
 soft coaH” 
 
 “ Yes — 500 tons,” was the answer. 
 
 “ Well, he wants you to send him up a ton.” 
 
 “We’ll see him blowed first I He has owed us a bill for 
 over two years I” 
 
 “ Yum 1” muttered the man as he stepped back. 
 
 “Did they say they’d send it?” asked the other. 
 
 “N-o, not exactly.” 
 
 “What did they say?” 
 
 “ I — I didn’t catch it very well. Let me repeat.” Pick- 
 ing up the trumpet again, he stood with it to his ear and 
 asked : 
 
 “ Did you say you’d send it?” 
 
 “ Not by a blamed sight,” came the response. 
 
THE FUNHIEftl' BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 37 
 
 ‘‘ jVell ?” asked the mau a painful pause ensued. 
 “Well,” replied the operator, “ this line isn’t working very 
 well this morning, and you’d better go to the office four doors 
 below. The dealers seem to hear me well enough, but I don’t 
 get hold of their anwser plainly. The other instrument is 
 probably working all right.” 
 
 “But I shan’t bother any one else,” growled the man. 
 “ As I said before, I never did believe in ’em to any great ex- 
 tent, and now I’ve lost what little faith 1 had. Much obliged, 
 
 ' — good day.” 
 
 If his ear had been at the trumpet his faith would have been 
 l)ig as a mountain . — Detroit Free Press. 
 
 GOING TO ^‘STIGE.^' 
 
 Three or four days ago a gentleman passing up Griswold 
 street was halted by a very courteous, but very hard*up tramp, 
 who said : 
 
 “ Will you give me money enough to enable me to purchase 
 a dish of fried oysters?”' 
 
 “ Fried oysters ! Great lands! But you are mighty par- 
 ticular for a penniless man !” exclaimed the pedestrian. 
 
 “So I am — so I am. I was brought up that way, sir. I’m 
 out of money, hungry as a wolf, and want fried oysters and 
 their appropriate surroundings.” 
 
 He didn’t get them. Next day he was encountered on the 
 post-office steps, looking more hungry than the day before, 
 and the gentleman inquired : 
 
 “ Have you concluded to come down to beef and potatoes 
 yet ?” 
 
 “ No, sir, — I still stick for fried oysters,” was the reply. 
 
 At dark that night the high-toned tramp encountered the 
 tsame man in a grocery on Woodward avenue, and without 
 waiting to be questioned he began : 
 
 “ I still call for fried oysters.” 
 
 “ And you haven’t got ’em ?” 
 
 “No, sir.” 
 
 “ And you are about as near starved as you want to be*”’ 
 
38 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Nearer, sir. In fact, I am about to die! I was born a 
 gentleman, I’m naturally high-toned, and I want to die de- 
 cently. We will skip over the subject of fried oysters, and I 
 will ask yon to lend me a pair of red woollen mittens and a 
 cigar-holder, to aid my corpse in making a decent appearance 
 before the Coroner and reporters !” 
 
 The crowd contributed 30 cents to buy him the fried oysters. 
 
 SFOO PEND YKE^S INCONVENIENCE. 
 
 “My dear,” said Mr. Sj)oopendyke, feeling up the chim- 
 ney, “have you seen my gold collar button ?” 
 
 “I saw it the daj^ I bought it,” answered Mrs. Spoopen- 
 dyke, cheerily, “and I thought it very pretfy. Why do you 
 ^ask ?” 
 
 “ ’Cause I’ve lost the measly thing,” responded Mr. Spoop- 
 endyke, running the broom handle up into the cornice, and 
 shaking it as if it were a carpet. 
 
 “You don’t suppose it is up there, do you?” asked Mrs. 
 Spoojpendyke. “Where did you leave it?” 
 
 “Left it in my shirt. Where do you suppose I left it? — in 
 the hash?” and Mr. Spoopendyke tossed over thiiiirs in his 
 wife’s writing desk, and looked out of the window after it. 
 
 “Where did you leave your shirt?” asked Mrs. Spoopen- 
 dyke. 
 
 “Where did I leave my shirt? Where do you suppose I 
 left it ? Where does a man generally leave his shirt, Mrs. 
 Spoopendyke? Think I left it in the ferry boat? Got an idea 
 I left it at the prayer meeting, haven’t you? Well, I didn’t. 
 I left it off, Mrs. Spoopendyke, that’s where I left it. I left 
 it off. Hear me?” And Mr. Spoopendyke pulled the 
 winter clothing out of the cedar chest that hadn’t been un- 
 locked for a month. 
 
 “Where is the shirt now?” persisted Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
 
 “ Where do you suppose it is ? Where do you imagine it 
 is? I’ll tell you where it is, Mrs. Spoopendyke, it’s gone to 
 Bridgeport as a witness in a land suit. Idea ! Ask a man 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 39 
 
 where his shirt is! You know I haven’t been out of the 
 room since I took it oif and Mr. Spoopendjke sailed down 
 stairs and raked the tire out of the kitchen range, but did not 
 find the button. 
 
 ‘‘Maybe you lost it on the way home,” suggested Mrs. 
 Spoopendyke, as her husband came up, hot and angry, and 
 began to pull a stufied canary to pieces to see if the button 
 ha 1 got inside. 
 
 •‘Oil, yes, very likely! I stood up against a tree and lost 
 it. Then I hid it behind a fence so I wouldn’t see it. That’s 
 the way it was. If I only had your head, Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
 I’d turn it loose as a razor strop. I don’t know anything 
 sharper than you are;” and Mr. Spoopendyke clutched a 
 hanclfurof dust off the top of the wardrobe. 
 
 “It must have fallen out,” mused Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
 
 “Oh! it must, eh? It must have fallen out? Well, I de- 
 clare, I never thouglit of that. My impression was that it 
 took a buggy and drove out, or a balloon and hoisted out;” 
 and Mr. Spoopendyke crawled behind the bureau and com- 
 menced tearing up the carpet. 
 
 “ And if it fell out it must be somewhere near where he 
 left his shirt. Now, he always throws his shirt on the lounge, 
 and the button is under that.” 
 
 A moment’s search soon established the infallibility of Mrs. 
 Spoopendyke’s logic. 
 
 “Oh, yes! Found it, didn’t you?” panted Mr. Spoopen- 
 dyke, as he bumped his head against the bureau and finally 
 clitnbed to a perpendicular. “ Perhaps you’ll fix my shirts 
 so it won’t fall out any more, and maybe you’ll have sense 
 enough to mend that lounge, now that it has caused so much 
 trouble. If you only tended to the house as I do to my busi- 
 ness, there’d never be any difficulty about losing a collar 
 button.” 
 
 “ It wasn’t my fault — ” began Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
 
 “ W isn’t, eh? Have you found that coal bill you’ve been 
 looking for since last March?” 
 
 “ Yes.” 
 
 “Have, eh? Now where did you put it? Where did yon 
 find it?” 
 
 “ In your overcoat —Brooklyn KigU> 
 
40 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 ‘‘TO rent:^ 
 
 Yesterday morning a card of “ To Kent ” was nailed to a 
 house on Brush street. It was a large card, and the printing 
 was plain. A bold line at the bottom said that people should 
 inquire next door, and pretty soon the calls commenced. The 
 first man who came began : 
 
 “Is the house next door to rent?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 Then it is not for sale ?” 
 
 “No, sir.” 
 
 “ Isn’t, eh? I thought it was for sale,” he said as he went 
 away. 
 
 The next man stood looking at the card for a full five min- 
 utes, and then called next door and said : 
 
 “I s’pose that house is empty, isn’t it ?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “Then it is to rent?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “How long has it been to rent?” 
 
 “Only one day.” 
 
 “ How long will it be to rent ?” 
 
 “Can’t tell.” 
 
 “Well, if I can’t find out anything about it here. I’ll go to 
 the owner. I s’pose he’s in Europe, isn’t he ?” 
 
 “ No; he’s in New York.” 
 
 “ Ah! that’s alwa3’s the way. Well, if I conclude to take 
 the house, I’ll call around again.” 
 
 The third caller was a lady. She looked in to the empty 
 house and then called next door and said : 
 
 “ I see that you have a house to rent.” 
 
 “ Yes. ” 
 
 “Will it be painted this spring ?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “Was the last family very respectable ?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “ Has it ever been a boarding house?” 
 
 “No.” . i 
 
 “ It has a cellar and hot and cold water?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 41 
 
 “And folding doors and grates?” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 “ Well, we have had some thoughts of moving this spring. 
 I don’t much think we shall, but if we do, and this house is 
 to rent when we get ready, I’ll look through it.” 
 
 The fourth caller was also a lady. She looked in all the 
 windows, entered the back yard and called next door and 
 -asked : 
 
 “ Can you tell me if this darling little house is to rent?” 
 
 “ It is.” 
 
 “ It is the sweetest little house in all Detroit, and I know 
 that a family would be happy in it. It reminds me of a ro- 
 mantic little house in the outskirts of Paris. How much is 
 the rent?” 
 
 “ Eighteen dollars per month.” 
 
 “Eighteen dollars! That’s highway robbery! Why, it’s 
 a squatty little pig-pen, no sun, no air, and as gloomy as a 
 prison ! You must be crazy ! Do you think war times have 
 come again ? That’s all I want to know. I didn’t care about 
 changing, anyhow, but being out for a walk, and seeing the 
 card up, I thought I might as well inquire .” — Detroit Free 
 .Press. 
 
 AF HUMBLE PRINTER. 
 
 A Dutchman, sitting in the door of his tavern, in the far 
 west, is approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating 
 westward, on foot, with a bundle hung on a cane over his 
 shoulder. 
 
 “Yell, Mister Yalkin Stick, vat you vant?” inquired the 
 Dutchman. 
 
 “ Rest and refreshment,” replied the printer. 
 
 “Supper and locliin’ I reckon?” 
 
 “Yes, supper and lodging, if you please.” 
 
 “ Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mid cliewelry in your pack to 
 cheat der gals?” 
 
 “No, sir, I’m no Yankee peddler.” 
 
 “A singin’ master, loo lazy to work? 
 
 No, sir.” 
 
42 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “ A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure der gal’s feet 
 and hankies better tan to make der shoes.” 
 
 “No, sir, or I should have mended m 3 " own shoes.” 
 
 “ A book achent vot bodders der school committees till they 
 do vot 3 'ou wish, choost to get rid of 3 "ou ?” 
 
 “ Guess again, sir ; I am no book agent.” 
 
 “ Ter tjefuls ! A dentist preaking der people’s jaw at a 
 dollar a schnag, and runnin’ off mit a daughter?” 
 
 “No, sir; I’m no tooth-puller.” 
 
 “ Phenologus, den ; feeling der jmung folk’s heads like so 
 many cabbitch ?” 
 
 “No; I am no phrenologist.” 
 
 “ Yell, den, vat ter tj^efuls can you be ? Choost tell, you 
 shall have the best sassage for supper, and sday all night, free 
 gratis, mitout a cent, and a chill of whisky to start out mit in 
 de morn’.” 
 
 “ I am an humble disciple of Faust — a professor of the art 
 that preserves all arts — a typographer, at 3 "our service.” 
 
 “ Yotsch dot ?” 
 
 “ A printer, sir; a man that prints books and newspapers.” 
 “A man vot printsch noosepapers ! Oh, yaw, yaw! ay, 
 dat ish it. A man vat printsch noosepapers 1 yaw ! yaw ! 
 Yalk lip ! A man vot printsch noosepapers ! I vish I may 
 be shot if I did not tink you vas a poor tj’eful of a dishtrick 
 schoolmaster, who works for nodding, and boards round. I 
 tought you vas him .” — Burlington Rawkeye. 
 
 HOW LINCOLN AND JUDGE B 
 
 SWAPPED HORSES. 
 
 When Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer in Illinois, he and a 
 certain Judge once got to bantering one another about trading 
 horses ; and it was agreed that the next morning at 9 o’clock 
 they should make a trade, the horses to be unseen up to that 
 hour, and no backing out, under a forfeiture of $25. 
 
 At the hour appointed the Judge came up, leading the 
 sorriest-looking specimen of a horse ever seen in those parts. 
 In a few minutes Mr. Lincoln was seen approaching with a 
 
THE FUxNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 
 wooden saw-horse upon his shoulders. Great were the shonts 
 and the laughter of the crowd, and both were greatly increased 
 when Mr. Lincoln, lii surveying the Judge’s animal, set down 
 his saw-horse, and exclaimed : ‘‘Well, Judge, this is the first 
 time I ever got the worst of it in a horse trade.” 
 
 SPOOPEN D YKE^S NEW BATHING 
 SUIT. 
 
 “ My dear,” observed Mr. Spoopendyke, looking up from 
 his paper, “ I think I would be greatly benefited this sum- 
 mer by sea baths. Bathing in tlie surf is an excellent tonic, 
 and if you will make me up a suit and one for yourself, if you 
 like, we’ll go down often and take a dip in the waves.” 
 
 “ The very thing,” smiled Mrs. Spoopendyke; “you cer- 
 tainly need something to tone you up, and there’s nothing 
 like salt water. I think I’ll make mine of blue flannel, and, 
 let me see, yours ought to be red, my dear.” 
 
 “ I don’t think you caught the exact drift of my remark,” 
 responded Mr. Spoopendyke. “I didn’t say 1 was going into 
 the opera business, or that I was going to hire out to my coun- 
 try village as a conflagration. My plan was to go in swim- 
 ming, Mrs. Spoopendyke, to go in swimming, and not to grow 
 up with the country as a cremation furnace. You can make 
 yours of blue if you will, but you don’t make mine of red,, 
 that’s all.” 
 
 “ There’s a pretty shade of yellow flannel — ” 
 
 “Most undubitably, Mrs. Spoopendyke, but if you think 1 
 am going to masquerade around Manhattan beach in the ca- 
 pacity of a ham, you haven’t yet seized my idea. 1 don’t ap- 
 prehend that I shall benefit by the waters any more by goifig 
 around looking like a Santa Cruz rum barrel. What 1 want 
 is a bathing suit, and it you can’t get one up without making 
 me look like a Fulton street car. I’ll go and buy something to 
 suit me.” 
 
 “ Would you want it all in one piece, or do you want pants 
 and blouse ?” 
 
 “ I want it easy to get in and o i*- ff'. T’oi not }»urticular 
 
4 : 4 : 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 about following the fashion. Make up something neat, plain 
 and substantial, but don’t stick any fancy colors into it. I 
 want it modest and serviceable.” 
 
 Mrs. Spoopendyke made up the suit under the guidance of 
 a lady friend, whose aunt had told her how it should be con- 
 structed. It was in one piece, and when completed was rath- 
 er a startling garment. 
 
 I’ll try it on to-night,” said Mr. Spoopendyke eyeing it 
 askance when it was handed him. 
 
 Before retiring, Mr. Spoopendyke examined the suit, and 
 then began to get into it. 
 
 “ Why didn’t you make some legs to it? What d’ye want 
 to make it all arms for ?” he inquired, struggling around to 
 see why it didn’t come up behind. 
 
 “ You’ve got it on sideways,” exclaimed Mrs. Spoopen- 
 dyke. “ You’ve got one leg into the sleeve.” 
 
 “I’ve got it on sideways? There ain’t any top to it. 
 'Don’t you know enough to put the arms up where they be- 
 long? What d’ye think I am, anyhow? A star-fish? Where 
 •does this leg go ?” 
 
 “ Right in there. That’s the place for that leg.” 
 
 “Then where’s the leg that goes in this hole?” 
 
 “ Why, the other leg.” 
 
 “The measly thing is all legs. Who’d you make this 
 thing for — me? What d’ye take me for — a centipede? Who 
 ■ is going to get in here with me? I want somebody else. I 
 ain’t twins I can’t fill this business up. What d’ye call it, 
 any way, a family machine?” 
 
 “ Those other places ain’t legs. They’re sleeves.” 
 
 “What are the}^ doing down there? Why ain’t they up 
 there where they belong? What are they there for — snow 
 shoes? S’ pose I’m going to stand on my head to get luy 
 arms in those holes?” 
 
 “I don’t think you’ve got it on right,” suggested Mrs. 
 ^Spoopendyke. “ It looks twisted.” 
 
 “ That’s the way you told me. You said, ‘Put this leg 
 here and- that one there,’ and there they are. Now where 
 does the rest of me go?” 
 
 “ I made it according to the pattern,” sighed Mrs. Spoop- 
 ondyke. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 45^ 
 
 ‘ Then it’s all right and it’s me that’s twisted,” sneered 
 Mr. Spoopendyke. ‘*1’11 have my arms and legs altered. 
 All I want is to have my legs jammed in the small of my 
 back and get my arms stuck m my hips ; then it’ll fit. What 
 did you take for a pattern, a crab? Where’d you find the 
 lobster you made this from ? S’ pose I’m going into the water 
 on all fours? I told you I wanted a bathing suit, didn’t I ? 
 Did I say anything about a chair cover?” 
 
 “I think if you take it off and try it on over again it’ll 
 work,” reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
 
 “ Oh, of course. I’ve only got to humor the blasted thing. 
 That’s all it wants,” and Mr. Spoopendyke wrenched it off' 
 with a growl. 
 
 “Now pull it on,” said Mrs. Spoopendyke. 
 
 “ Suit you now ?” he howled. “That the way you meant 
 it to go ? What’s these things fiopping here ?” 
 
 “Those are the legs, I’m afraid,” said Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
 dejectedly. 
 
 “ What are they doing here ? I see ; oh, I see, this is sup- 
 posed to represent me making a dive. When I get this on 
 I’m going head first. Where’s the balance? Where’s the 
 rest? Give me the suit that represents me head up,” and Mr. 
 Spoopendyke danced around the room in fury. 
 
 “Just turn it over, my dear,” said Mrs. Spoopendyke, 
 “ and you are all right.” 
 
 “ How'm I going to turn it over?” yelled Mr. Spoopen- 
 dyke. “S’pose I’m going to carry around a steam boiler to 
 turn me over when I want the other end of this thing up? 
 S’pose I’m going to hire a man to go around with a griddle 
 spoon and turn me over like a flap-jack, just to please this dod 
 blasted bathing suit? D’ye think 1 work on pivots ?” 
 
 “Just take it off and put it on the other way,” urged Mrs. 
 Spoopendyke, who began to see her way clear. 
 
 Mr. Spoopendyke kicked the thing up to the ceiling, and 
 plunged into it once more. This time it came out all right, 
 and as ho buttoned it up and surveyed himself in the glass 
 the clouds parsed away and he smiled. 
 
 “I like it,” ho remarked ; “ the color suits mo, and I think 
 you have done very well, my dear; oidy,” and ho frowned 
 slightly, “ I wish you wnuld mark the arms and legs so i can 
 
46 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 distinguish one from the other, or some day I will present the 
 startling spectacle of a respectable elderly gentleman hopping 
 around the beach upside down. That’s 2l\V*-- B rooklyn 
 Eagle. 
 
 JOSH BILLINGS^ PHILOSOPHY. 
 
 GLASS BEADS. 
 
 Stretch a man out on a bed ov sikness, and hiz pride, infi- 
 <lelity, and government coupons look like a kruel mockery to 
 him. 
 
 Thare are people who kan liv, and keep fatt on hate. I 
 would rather be a snaik. 
 
 I hear ov streams all over the kuntry whare 2 pound trout 
 are plenty, but I hav allwuss managed to get to them about 
 10 days to late. 
 
 Sassy children git their edukashun at home, and when the 
 dog meets yu with a wagging tale at the threshold, yu may be 
 sure ov a kindly greeting at the fireside. 
 
 The people that I admire the least are thoze who admire 
 themselfs the most — thare is no accounting for tastes. 
 
 Thare is now and then a man who kan make acirkumstanse, 
 but as a general thing, cirkumstanses make men. 
 
 The lov of applauze hnz a valuable germ in it, but too the 
 jung it iz full ov treachery. 
 
 1 luv men and their ways, but the happiest hours I hav ever 
 spent, hav been alone in the wilderness. 
 
 Genius is a difiikult thing to hide. I hav even seen it re- 
 vealed in blowing the noze, or handling a tooth pik. 
 
 I thank God for one thing, that helth and poverty are so 
 often found together. 
 
 Yung man, all that yu kno, yu hav had to learn, therefore 
 don’t never lafi* at the ignorense ov others. 
 
 It iz a pleasant thing to kno that cunning men, sooner or 
 later, git kaught in the traps they set for others. 
 
 The man who iz satisfied with the simple necesitys ov life, 
 may think he iz happy, but he don’t amount to mutch enuy 
 how. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 4T 
 
 Dangers suspekted are allwuss overrated ; a hole in the 
 ground iz often more dreaded than ennything that kan possi- 
 bly cum out ov it. 
 
 It iz sed that adversity iz the best for us, but if I kan bar 
 prosperity, I will try to git along without enny adversity. 
 
 Man iz the only animal I kan think ov who kant swim with- 
 out learning how : in fakt, man haz to learn all he knows, 
 even how to eat. 
 
 ROW UE^D DO IT. 
 
 Several men were gathered at the door of a blacksmith-shop 
 on Cass avenue, the other morning, when a school-boy, not 
 over nine years of age, came along with tears in his eyes, and 
 one of the group asked : 
 
 “ What’s the matter, boy, — fall down ?” 
 
 “ N-no, but I’ve got a hard ’rithmetic lesson, and I expect 
 to get 1-licked !” was the answer. 
 
 “Let me see; I used to be a king-bee on fractions.” 
 
 The man took the book, turned to the page, and read : 
 
 “ Rule 1 — Find the least common multiple of the denomina- 
 tors of the fractions for the least common denominator. Divide 
 this least common denominator by each denominator, and 
 multiply both terms of the fractions by the quotient obtained 
 by each denominator.” 
 
 He read the rule aloud, and asked if any one could under- 
 stand it. All shook their heads, and he then continued : 
 
 “ Well, now, I think I should go to work and discover the 
 least uncommon agitator. 1 would then evolve a parallel ac- 
 cording to the intrinsic deviator, and punctuate the thermom- 
 eter.” 
 
 “So would I !” answered every man in chorus, and one of 
 them added: ‘“I’ve worked ’em out that way a thousand 
 times !” 
 
 Notone of the men, all of whom were in business, and had 
 made money, could even understand the working of the rule, 
 much less work examples by it, and yet it was expected that a 
 nine-year-old boy should go to the blackboard and do every 
 sum off-hand. Detroit Free Prens. 
 
48 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 A BIG NIGHT IN LIME-KILN CLUB. 
 
 ‘‘A nite or two ago,” began Brother Gardner, as the meet- 
 ing opened in due form, “a sartin member of dis Club cum 
 softly inter my house an’ axed me if I had any objeckshuns 
 to his enterin’ into a walkin’ match. Yesterday anodder 
 member hinted aroun’ about organizin’ a cullud base ball club 
 to sweep de kentry. To-day a third member serusly proposed 
 de ideah ob fastin’ fur fo’ty days, on de Tanner prineiple. 
 Fur two long hours dis afternoon I sot on de back stoop an’ 
 pondered ober dese lings, an’ bime-by I got what I believe am 
 de k’rect ideah. At sartin sezuns of de y’ar de atmosphere 
 am ’pregnated wid some sort o’ vapor dat creates a desiah on 
 de part of about six men outof ten, tomakefools of demselves. 
 Dis vapor am now prevailin’ aroun’ dis iiayburhood at hull- 
 sale rate, an’ if it affects de wdiite folks, why shouldn’t it have 
 mo’ or less influence on de cull’d people? In order to diskiver 
 what effect it has had on dis clubj 1 now inwite all you wha 
 am in favor of base ball, fastin’ an’ walking-matches to riz up.” 
 
 Not a foot moved. The hall was as quiet as a cow in a 
 garden after cabbages. 
 
 ‘‘Waal, den, all who am ’posed will please stretch up,” 
 continued the President. 
 
 Every person in the hall got his feet in under him as soon 
 as possible, and stood erect for a full minute. 
 
 “ Werry well, geni’len — you kin sot down,” remarked the 
 old man as a smile crept into the corner of each eye. “1 
 guess I am all right about de vapor, but I guess de vapor 
 sorter slides away from de cull’d race. Now let me say to 
 one an’ all, as follers: Two weeks wid a spellin’ book will do 
 any of us mo’ good dan two y’ars wid a base ball club. If 
 you want to walk, go out an’ look for work. As to the question 
 of fastin’ dar’s a full dozen of you in heah who’ll git all you 
 want of it afore next spring, onless you make your brushes 
 fly faster dan you have fur a month past. De man who builds 
 up his frame on an empty stomach, will drap out o’ sight all of 
 a sudden. It’s pleasant to be a hero, but de man who aims 
 his dollar a day, pays his debts, speaks de truf, brings up his 
 chill’en in de right way, and wins de respect ob his nayburs, 
 am sailin’ his sand-scow ’bout as nigh de true light as he kin 
 go. We will now attack de usual order of bizness.” 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 49 
 
 Petitions were received as follows: From Ohio, two elders 
 and a captain ; from Georgia, two judges and two trustees ; 
 from Virginia, one Colonel and a Justice of the Peace ; from 
 Illinois, one Overseer of Highways, and two reverends. A 
 petition from Mobile read as follows : 
 
 Gents — I am known in this city as Dr. Lightfoot, the Great American Herb 
 and Root Physician. I extract corns, cure ingrowing toe nails, knock chil- 
 blains into the middle of next week, deliver addresses on all subjects, hold 
 funeral exercises, clean and repair clothing, make insect powder, and desire to 
 join the Lime-Kiln Club. 
 
 P. S. — I also reveal the future, and tell the whereabouts of lost or stolen 
 property. Charges reasonable. In case I am admitted to the club, I will 
 read the future of any member who will send on his name. 
 
 N. E. — I also interpret dreams. I can tell by your dreams whether you are 
 going to find a lost wallet chuck-full of greenbacks, or fall off the wharf and be 
 drowned. Please give this your earliest attention. 
 
 DR. LIGHTFOOT, P. D. Q. 
 
 Elder Toots at once arose and moved that the petition of 
 the Doctor be acted on under a suspension of the rules. 
 
 Sympathy Hastings seconded the motion. He had dreams 
 every night, and if there were any lost wallets coming to him 
 he wanted to make his arrangements accordingly. 
 
 Judge Boldface hoped the motion would prevail. He had 
 lost a dog, and he wanted to know the whereabouts of the 
 animal, powerfully bad. 
 
 “ Gem’len, sot down,” observed the President, as he slowly 
 tore the letter to pieces. ‘Ht'dis club has corns, it can git 
 ’em pared down nigher by dan Mobile. Dis doctah may be 
 werry powerful wid his roots an’ yarbs, but I doan’ like de 
 tone of his applicashun. As to dreams an’ sich, come right 
 to me if you want ’em ’splained. It doan’ look well fur sich 
 old men as Brndders Boldface an’ Hastings lo be filled up 
 wid signs, an’ dreams, an’ whims. De time wasted by de 
 cull’d race of dis kentry, in drearnin’ of black cats, an’ lookin’ 
 fur lost pocket-books, would raise ’miff taters to keep every- 
 body fat. De Committee on Betishuns needn’t bodder wid 
 dis case, nor try to find out what P. D. Q. means.” 
 
 The followin’ candidates were made notorious: Elder 
 Haggle, Trustee Turnover, Anatom Calwell, Col. Jackson, 
 Nevertheless Simpson, Henry Jones, George Spofford, Major 
 Hercules Sidebar, and Judge Walkiiigbow. 
 
50 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 
 A communication from Lockport, N. Y., stated that Reliable 
 Farker, an honorary member of the club, living in that village, 
 was under a cloud, from having been discovered and arrested 
 with half his body in a grocery window at midnight. He had 
 been tried and discharged on susj)ended sentence, but the 
 people of Lockport thought it best to inform the club of the 
 incident, and leave it to take such action as it deemed proper. 
 The prisoner’s defense was that he was walking in his sleep. 
 
 “I can’t see de need of raisin’ any fus ober dat,” said 
 Circular Smith, as he arose and wiped off his chin. “ Deed 
 sail, Ize in de same habit o’ walkin’ in my sleep, an’ I am 
 liable to be found in a grocery any night.” 
 
 ‘‘If you eber am,” slowly replied the President, “your 
 conneckshun wid dis club will be chopped off quicker dan 
 chain-lightnin’. De Secretary will drap a letter to Brudder 
 Parker, to de effeck dat it will be a great deal better fur him 
 in de fuchur to do his walkin’ in his back doah yard or out 
 on de commons.” 
 
 The leader of the Glee Club finished his nap about this 
 time and signalled that it was perfectly proper to rush in on 
 the following, which is the joint production of Way down 
 Bebee and Whalebone Howker : 
 
 De udder dark night ole Joe had a dream, 
 
 An’ it’s made his old heart berry sore ; 
 
 Once mo’ he saw de cabins down in de shady lane. 
 An’ de little black niggers in de doah. 
 
 Chorus — 
 
 Oh ! whar’ am gone dem good old days, 
 
 Oh ! whar’ has dem pickannies fled ? 
 
 An’ de warm souf wind am saying unto me, 
 
 Dat de meadow grass kivers my dead. 
 
 Ole mass’ r on de stoop, in his big rockin’ cheer, 
 An’ ole missus wid a kind word for all ; 
 
 While de cabins of de niggers had plenty hoe cake. 
 An’ de bes’ kind o’ bacon in de fall. 
 
 Chorus — 
 
 Oh ! whar’ am gone dem good old days, etc. 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 51 
 
 Dar was heaps to do but de days was long, 
 
 An* we hadn’t any whip fur to fear ; 
 
 An’ each nigger he was ready at de brake of day, 
 For de ho’n of de pushin’ oberseer. 
 
 Chorus — 
 
 Oh ! whar’ am gone dem good old days, etc. 
 
 But de days am fled — dey’ll neber return, 
 
 No, we neber shall see dem any mo' ; 
 
 ’Till de angels gibs de word an’ we all step away 
 Fur de hills on dat Heaven-blessed sho’. 
 
 Chorus — 
 
 Oh ! whar’ am gone dem good old days, etc. 
 
 During the singing of this song Elder Toots, Rainbow 
 Cooper, Giveadarn Jones, and other old veterans broke down 
 and wept like children, and Samuel Shin, Strychnine Thomas, 
 Mulberry Turner and other young men stuck their lieads out 
 of the window to hide their tear-dimmed eyes . — Detroit Free 
 Press. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN BOSTON. 
 
 A letter from Artemus Ward to his “ dear Betsy ” says : 
 
 “ The winder of rny room commands a exhileratin view of 
 Copp’s Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reform- 
 ers and sich, lies berrid. I went over to Lexington yes’d’y. My 
 Bc»osum hove with sf)llurn emotions. this,’ I said to a man 
 who was driving a yoke of oxen, ‘this is where our Revolu- 
 tionary forefathers asserted tlieir independence and spilt their 
 Bind. Classic ground !’ ‘ Wall,’ the man said, ‘its good for 
 
 white beans and potatoes, but as regards raisin’ wheat, tain’t 
 worth a — .’ I returned in the IIoss Cars, part way. A 
 pooty girl in spectacles sot near me, and was tellin’ a young 
 man how much he reminded her of a man she used to know 
 in Waltham. Booty soon the young man got out, and smil- 
 in’ in a seductiv manner I said to the girl in s])ectacles, ‘Don’t 
 1 remind you of somebody you used to know?’ ‘Yes,’ she 
 
52 
 
 THE FU^’NIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 said, ‘you do remind me of one man, but he was sent to the 
 pennytentiary for stealin’ a Bar’l of mackril — he died there, 
 SO I conclood you ain’t him.’ I didn’t nursoo the conversa- 
 tion.” 
 
 JOSE BILLIN GS INSURES UIS LIFE. 
 
 I kum to the conklusion lately that life was so onsartin that 
 the only way for me to stand a fare chance with other folks 
 was to git my life insured, so I kalled on the agent ov the 
 Garden Angel Life Insurance Co., and answered the following 
 questions which were put tu me over the top ov a pair ov 
 specs, by a slick old fellow, with a round gray head on him 
 as any man ever owned: Are yu mail or femail ? and if so, 
 
 state how long you have been so. Had 3’ ou a father or moth- 
 er? if so, which? Are yu subject tu tits ? and if so, du yu 
 hav more than one at a time? What is your precise fiting 
 wate? Did yu ever hav any ancestors ? and if so, how much? 
 Du yu hav eny nightmare? Are 3m married or single, or 
 are yu a bachelor ? Have y’ou ever committed suicide? and 
 if so, how did it affect yu ? After answering the above ques- 
 tions like a man in a confirmative, the slick little fat old fel- 
 ler with specs on sed I was insured fur life, and probably 
 would remain so far sn*ne years. I thanked him and smiled 
 one ov my most t^^nsive smiles. 
 
 BACHELORS AND FLIRTS. 
 
 Some old bachelors git after a flirt, and don’t travel as fast 
 as she doz, and then concludes awl the female group are hard 
 to ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched. 
 
 A flirt is a rough thing to overhaul unless the right dog gets 
 after her, and then they make the very best of wives. 
 
 When a flirt really is in love she is as powerless as a mown 
 daisy. 
 
 Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning into 
 
THE FUNOTEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 53 
 
 fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a 
 cradle. 
 
 The best way to ketch a flirt is tew travel the other way 
 from which they are going, or sit down on the ground and 
 whistle some lively tune till the flirt comes round. 
 
 Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts get more 
 than even, by making the old bachelors. 
 
 A majority of flirts get married Anally, for they hev a great 
 -quantity of the most dainty tidbits of woman’s nature, and 
 alwus have shrewdness to back up their sweetness. 
 
 Flirts don’t deal in po’try and water grewel: they have got 
 to liev brains, or else somebody would trade them out of their 
 cai)ital at the flrst sweep. 
 
 Disappointed luv must uv course be all on one side ; this 
 ain’t any more excuse fur being an old bachelor than it iz fur 
 a man to quit all kinds of manual labor,, jist out uv spite, and 
 jine a poor-house bekase he kant lilt a tun at one pop. 
 
 An old bachelor will brag about his freedom to you, his re- 
 lief from anxiety, hiz indipendence. This iz a dead beat, past 
 resurrection, for everybody knows there ain’t a more anxious 
 <lupe than he iz. All his dreams are charcoal sketches of 
 board inir-school misses ; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints 
 hiz grizzly mustache, cultivates bunyons and corns, to please 
 his captains, the wirnmen, and only gets laffed at fur hiz pains. 
 
 I tried being an old bachelor till I wuz about twenty years 
 old, and came very near dieing a dozen times. I had more 
 sharp pain in one year than 1 hev had since, put it all in a 
 heap. I was in a lively fever all the time . — Josh Billings. 
 
 THE CENSUS. 
 
 The Seiices taker in our town being sick he deppertised me 
 to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to give fiie 
 informashun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to 
 go it blind. Sitting down by the roadside I drawd up the 
 follerin list of questions which 1 proposed to ax the peple 1 
 visited : 
 
 Wat’s your age? Wliar was you born? A.ir you marrid, 
 and if so how do you like it? JIow many children hav you, 
 
54 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 and do they Suificiently resemble you as to proclood the pos- 
 sibility of their belougin to any of your nabers ? Did you 
 ever hav the measles, and if so liow many ? Have }’ou a twin 
 brother several years older than yourself? How many ])arents 
 hav you? Do you read Watt’s Hims regler? Do you use 
 boughten tobacker? Wat’s your tightin wate ? Are you 
 trubeld with piles ? How does your mereshani culler ? State 
 whether you are blind, deaf, idiotic, or got the heaves? Do 
 you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they owe 
 you? What’s the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl? If 
 4 barrils of Einptins pored onto a barn floor will kivei it, how 
 many plase can Dion Bourcicalt write in a year? Is beans a 
 regler diet in your family ? How many chickens hav you, on 
 foot and in the shell ? Air you aware that Injianny whisky is 
 used in New York shootin galrj’s instid of pistils, and that it 
 shoots furthest? Was you ever at Niagry Falls? Was you 
 ever in the Penitentiary? State how much pork, impendin 
 crysis, Dutch cheese, popler suvrinty, standard poetry, chil- 
 dren’s strainers, slave code, catnip, red flannel, ancient histry, 
 pickled tomaters, ole junk, perfoomery, coal ile, hook skirt, 
 etc., you have on hand? 
 
 But it didn’t work. I got into a row at the flrst house I 
 stopt to, with some old maids. Disbeleven the arisers they 
 giv in regard to their ages, I endevered to open their mouths 
 and look at their teeth, same as they do with bosses, but they 
 floo into a vilent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. 
 Taking the senses requires experiunse, like any other bizniss. 
 — Artemm Ward, 
 
 ‘BOUGHT TO HAVE BEEN AN EDITORS 
 
 The man who knows how to run a newspaper came into tho 
 Derrick office yesterday. He sat dowm in the best chair^ 
 pulled all the exchanges into his lap, and began his criticism 
 
 “I ought to have been an editor,” said he, “just to show- 
 yon fellows how easy it is to run a newspaper. Why don’t 
 you pitch into the city council? People want some kind of 
 excitement. Give the police thunder for not attending to 
 business; it will wake the people up. Caesar! wouldn’t I 
 make it hot for ’em if I had anything to do with a paper.” 
 
THE FUNKIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 55 
 
 “ S’pose you run this office for two hours to suit yourself.^’ 
 
 “ All right, just let me do it. I’ll show you the hottest 
 articles you ever saw. Give me the pencil.” 
 
 We left him sitting in the editorial chair, working away for 
 dear life. On the stairs we met Jim Jones, a driller from 
 Alamagpezelurn. 
 
 “Where’s the editor?” said he. 
 
 “Up stairs at his desk,” was the reply. 
 
 Jones had blood in his eyes, and he bounded up two steps 
 at a time, while we waited at the foot of the stairs for devel- 
 opments. In about two minutes we saw the dictionary fly 
 out of the upper wMndow, then there was a sound as of a chair 
 being smashed, followed by loud yells, and in two seconds 
 the door flev/ open, and the would-be editor came rolling 
 down the stairs. 
 
 “ What’s your hurry?” we asked, as he flew by us. “Sit 
 down and tell us how to run a newspaper,” we continued, as 
 he struck the sidewalk. But he never stopped. He just flew 
 across the sidewalk and fell on his back in the gutter. And 
 such a sight. His nose was knocked crosswise, one eye was 
 as black as a thunder cloud, his hair stood on end, his coat 
 was ri])ped down the back, and one sleeve torn out. Jones 
 was coming down tiie stairs, and the would-be editor jum])ed 
 and ran up the railroad, with Jones close at his heels, yelling, 
 “ I ain’t the editor,” at every jump he took. He hasn’t re- 
 turned. We fear his youthful dream of running a newspaper 
 has been nipj>ed in the bud by the frost of adverse circum- 
 stances. — Oil City Derrick. 
 
 We will certainly be called on to record the sudden and 
 violent death of that fellow, Gilhooly. Yesterday he stopped 
 in front of a fruit-stand on Galveston avenue, and picked out 
 several peaches, squeezed them until the stufflng came out of 
 them, trying to And out if they were ripe, and then he put 
 them back. “ Look here, I can’t sell them peaches after you 
 liave squeezed them.” “ You didn’t vsell ’em before I squeezed 
 ’em did you?” “No, but — ” “ Well, if you don’t sell ’em 
 
 after I’ve squeezed ’em, you ain’t any worse ofl’ than you 
 were before. You must learn to reasori, man, before you 
 talk. — Ga/'oeston N^iws. 
 
56 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 LES lECOMPEEaENSlB LES, 
 
 A La Victor Hugo. 
 
 BOOK I. 
 
 A man sat on a picket fence. 
 
 Picket fences were invented by Charlemagne and improved 
 upon by Charles II. of England. 
 
 Still the man sat on the fence. 
 
 BOOK II. 
 
 The fence s^urrounded a tall, gloomy building. The build- 
 ing had shutters at the window. The man was a Frenchman. 
 There were other Frenchmen in the same neighborhood. 
 They were in bed. Frenchmen were discovered by Oliver 
 Cromwell, and subsequently patented by the author. Tliey 
 are copyrighted. All Frenchmen not bearing the signature 
 of the author are spurious. 
 
 It was night. It was a dark night. Darkness is a shadow 
 that rises from the ground when the snn goes down. 
 
 The man on the fence was thinking. His name was Lip- 
 piatt. 
 
 BOOK III. 
 
 Lippiatt loved Maronette. Maronette was a girl. She 
 knew Lippiatt. She did not know that Lippiatt loved her. 
 
 Maronette lived in the gloomy house. Lippiatt did not 
 tell Maronette that he loved her. He was contented to sit on 
 the fence in front of her house. He was a quiet man. Like 
 all Frenchmen, he was the bravest man in thirteen counties. 
 He was a tailor. A tailor is a man who promises to have 
 your clothes done Saturday, and then brings them around 
 week after next. 
 
 Lippiatt was poor. All heroes - are poor. 
 
 BOOK IV. 
 
 Maronette opened a window and shied an old boot at Lip- 
 piatt. 
 
 “ Is that you, Lippiatt ?” she said. 
 
 “Yes,” said Lippiatt. 
 
 Maronette laughed. 
 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 57 
 
 “ My father says I must marry the man who will bring him 
 the Norwegian maelstrom,” said Maronette. 
 
 Lippiatt got off the fence and walked away. 
 
 BOOK V. 
 
 Like all tailors in France, Lippiatt was a good sailor. He 
 stole a boat and started for the coast of Norway. A fearful 
 storm came on. The world drew on a heavy cloak to protect 
 it from the storm. The sea opened a thousand mouths to 
 swallow Lippiatt. It was hungry for him. His beard and 
 hair were tilled with salt. Great grasping hands of darkness 
 reached down to snatch him. 
 
 Lippiatt only laughed. 
 
 The scene grew wilder. Monsters of water crowded against 
 the boat. They were reaching for Lippiatt. He steered his 
 boat to avoid them. 
 
 A wave averages twenty feet in height. It contains 400 
 tons of water. It is thicker at the base than at the top. In 
 that respect it is like a pyramid. But it is not three-cornered. 
 It is oval in shape. A round wave is a water-spout. A wat- 
 -er- spout is thick at the top and bottom and slender in the 
 middle. 
 
 Lippiatt knew this. 
 
 He was afraid of waves. He was fearful of water-spouts. 
 
 BOOK VI. 
 
 In four days Lippiatt arrived at the maelstrom. 
 
 “It is for Maronette,” said he. 
 
 The maelstrom is shaped like a funnel. The lower end is 
 ;at the bottom. The mouth is at the top. It is caused by the 
 tides. The Norwegians suppose it is caused by a hole in the 
 ground. Lippiatt knew better. 
 
 He went down in the maelstrom and fastened a rope around 
 the lower end. To this rope he adjusted blocks and pulleys. 
 Then he climbed out of the mt and fastened the other end of 
 the rope to the masthead. The blocks gave him a purchase. 
 
 He rested. 
 
■58 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK 01* ALL. 
 
 BOOK VII. 
 
 ' Havinp^ rested, Lippiatt pulled on the rope. He pulled the 
 maelstrom inside out. ^ The bottom was then at the top. It 
 spun around like an inverted top. 
 
 Lippiatt drove a staple into it and fastened his line. Then 
 he set sail. The maelstrom followed. 
 
 “ T shall marry Maronette,” he said. 
 
 BOOK VIII. 
 
 Another man sat on the picket fence. It was Goudenay.^ 
 Goudenay loved Maronette. Maronette loved Goudenay. 
 
 Goudenay saw something coming in the harbor. 
 
 “What’s that?” he asked. 
 
 It looked like an inverted funnel. It was 1000 feet high. 
 
 “I don’t know,” said Maronette. 
 
 She was right. She didn’t. 
 
 BOOK IX. 
 
 Lippiatt disembarked. lie took the maelstrom on his 
 shoulders. Then he went to the gloomy house. He hung 
 the maelstrom on the ])icket fence. * 
 
 “How do you do, Goudenay?” he asked. 
 
 He knew Goudenay. He had disappointed him about some 
 trousers. 
 
 “I am hap p3%” said Goudenay. “I am going to marrj 
 Maronette.” 
 
 Lippiat looked at Maronette. 
 
 “ Yes,” she said, “ I marry Goudenay this morning.” 
 
 BOOK X. 
 
 Lippiatt went to the wedding. 
 
 He gave Maronette a silver card-receiver. 
 
 Maronette smiled. 
 
 Lippiatt went back to the picket fence. He ate the mael- 
 strom up. 
 
Tllli: FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 5^ 
 
 BOOK XI. 
 
 As the wedding party went home they saw a dead body 
 lying beside the picket fence. The point of the maelstrom 
 was sticking out of the month. 
 
 Good gracious !” said Maronette. 
 
 “ Holy smoke !” exclaimed Goudenay. 
 
 It was Lippiatt. 
 
 BILLINGS^ ^^FROBABILITlESy 
 
 Josh Billings, who is as usual passing his summer in the 
 White Mountains, has put it in the way of the editor of the 
 Vt'hite to print a few component parts of his 
 
 new book to be published in the fall. Its title will be Old 
 Probabilities: Perhaps Rain — Perhaps Not;” and it will have 
 for its leading motto: ‘-Truth iz sed to be stranger than lick- 
 shun ; it is to most pholks.” The selections are these : 
 
 About the hardest thing a fellow kan do iz to spark 2 gals 
 at one time and preserve a good average. Try it. 
 
 Don’t dispize your poor relashuns. They may be taken 
 suddenly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to ex- 
 plain things to them; undoubtedly so. 
 
 Next to a klear konshience for solid comfort cums an easy 
 boot. Try both. 
 
 If a young man hain’t got a well-balanced head, I like to 
 see him part his hair in the middle. Don’t you ! 
 
 I don’t take any foolish chances. If I wuz called upon to 
 mourn over a dead mule, I should stand in front ov him and 
 do my weeping. 
 
 There is no man so poor but what he can afford to keep one 
 dog, and I hev seen them so poor that they could afford to 
 keep three. 
 
 I say to 2 thirds of the rich people in this world, make the 
 most on your money, for it makes the most ov you. Happy 
 thought. 
 
 I never argy agin a success. When I see a rattlesnaix’s 
 head sticking out of a whole, I bear off to the left and say to 
 miself that liole belongs to tliat snaix. 
 
60 
 
 THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 The infidel argys just az a bull duz chained to a post. He 
 bellows and saws, but he don’t git loose from the post, i 
 notiss. Not much. 
 
 I thank the Lord that thare is one thing in this world that 
 money kant buy, and that iz the wag ov a dog’s tail. Yure 
 unkle. 
 
 I have seen men so fond of argument that they would dis- 
 pute with a guideboard at the forks of a kuntry road about 
 the distance to the next town. What fools. 
 
 Thare are but fu sights in this life more sublime and pa- 
 thethick than to see a poor but virtuous young man struggling 
 with a mustach. It iz thus. 
 
 I notiss one thing, the man who rides on the kars every 
 day is satisfied with one seat ; but he who rides once a year 
 wants 4. That’s so. 
 
 Flattery is like colone water, to be smelled of, not swal- 
 Ilowed. 
 
 The man whom you kant git to write poetry or tell the 
 truth until you git him half drunk aint worth the investment. 
 
 Whenever I see a real handsome woman engaged in the 
 wim min’s rights bizziness I am a going to take off mi hat and 
 jine the processhun. See if I don’t. 
 
 HOW CAIN GOT HIS WIFE, 
 
 A few years ago, says Harper^ s Magazine,, while the Ala- 
 bama and Chattanooga Railroad was in process of construc- 
 tion, it was a favorite field for colored preachers to labor and 
 take up collections “for de spread ob de Gospel.” Among 
 these a frequent visitor was old Father Helms, from Tennes- 
 see, whose vivid eloquence and practical “ spounding ob de 
 Sacred Word” were attentively listened to by large congrega- 
 tions of the sable race, with no small delegation of interested 
 white listeners upon the outskirts. Upon one occasion, assem- 
 bled in a lovely Alabama grove, he addressed his congregation 
 thus ; 
 
 “Ladies and gentlemen ob my beloved congregation — 
 Havin’ cotched a bad cold de odder evenin’, I shan’t attempt 
 
THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 61 
 
 to preach to yer dis Sabbath mornin’, but will read a chapter 
 from de Bible, and spound it as I go along.” He then read 
 the fourth chapter of Genesis, after which he continued his 
 remarks: “ De odder evenin’ I tuk for my tex’ de tragedy 
 
 in de garding ob Eden — de killin’ ob Abel and de cuss and 
 drivin’ out of Cain. And after de sermon one ob yer smart 
 young darkies — one ob dese yer thin-skinned, saleratus-com- 
 plexioned niggers — steps up to me, and says he, ‘ Fader 
 Helms, yer disremember to tell us who Mr. Cain married 
 down in de land ob Nod : was it his mudder?’ Here was a 
 grinnin’ crowd ob no-count, triflin’ niggers wid him, and I 
 ’spected at once dat de white folks had sent him up to ax de 
 question. I was so obercome wid a sense ob de sinfulness 
 and great ’sumption ob sinners, bofe white and black, dat 1 
 ' could say nuftin. I had n tiffin to say. I tuk de question 
 under prayerful consideration, an’ de answer were made plain. 
 I’m gwine to spound dat part ob de scripter to yer. Who 
 Cain’s wife was, and whar he got her, is plain to de all-seein’ 
 eye ob faith. In de garding ob Eden, Cain raised right 
 smart ob craps and garding truck and sich. But after de 
 slewin’ ob his Christian br udder Abel, we don’t read ob his 
 workin’ no mo’. He tuk his gun and dogs and went down 
 into dat sleepy, lazy^ no- account section ob Nod, and loafed 
 aroun’ dat country; an’ havin’ lost all ob his plantation and 
 mules, and all ob his self respec’, and pride ob family and 
 state, de nex’ we hear ob him he had got so low down an’ 
 triflin’ dat he married a gal ob one ob dose no-’count, poor, 
 white-trash families, which de inspired ’postle didn’t consider 
 ^.fittin’ to mention in de Holy Word.” 
 
 The reverend “ spounder” gazed around upon his admiring 
 congregation with an air of triumph, and a brother struck up 
 the hymn, “ Whar, oh wh.BJ' am de Hebrew chill’en.” 
 
 A CHEAP MARRIAGE. 
 
 While a Detroit Justice of the Peace sat warming his feet 
 by the stove, and his nose by a cigar, a stranger entered and 
 presently inquired • 
 
62 
 
 THE FE^NIEST liOOK OF ALL. 
 
 “Judge, how much will you charge me to read over about 
 fifteen lines of printed matter from a book I have?” 
 
 “ Why, can’t you read them ?” replied his Honor. 
 
 “ I can, but I want to hear how they sound when read 
 aloud. I’ll give you a quarter to read them to me.” 
 
 “ All right,” said the Justice. “ I can’t earn two shillings 
 any quicker.” 
 
 A w’oman opened the door at that moment, and the stranger 
 put down the book on the desk, clasped her hand, and said : 
 Begin at the pencil-mark there, and read sluwly.” 
 
 His Honor’s chin dropped exactly eighteen inches by dry 
 measure as he saw that the reading matter was the usual form 
 of marriage, but he didn’t back down from his word. It was 
 the cheapest marriage he ever attended, and he didn’t half 
 enjoy the chuckles of bride and groom as they went out. — 
 Detroit Free Press. 
 
 FAITHLESS SALLY BROWN. 
 
 Young Ben he was a nice young man, a carpenter by trade ; 
 and he fell in love with Sally Brown, that was a lady’s maid. 
 But as they fetched a walk one day, they met a press-gang 
 crew; and Sally she did faint away, while Ben he was brought 
 to. 
 
 The boatswain swore with wicked words enough to shock 
 a saint, that though she did seem in a fit, ’twas nothing but 
 a feint. 
 
 “Gome, girl,” said he, “hold up your head — he’ll be as 
 good as me ; for when your swain is in our boat, a boatswain 
 he will be.” 
 
 So when they’d made their game of her, and taken off her 
 elf, she roused, and found she only was a-coming to herself. 
 
 “And is he gone, and is he gone?” she cried and wept out- 
 right; “then I will to the water-side and see him out of sight.” 
 
 A waterman came up to her: “Now, young woman,” said 
 he, “if you weep on so, you will make eye-water in the sea.” 
 
 “Alas! they’ve taken my beau, Ben, to sail with old Ben- 
 bow;” and her woe began to run afresh, as if she’d said 
 “ Gee woe !” 
 
THE FUNN A I' BOOK OF ALL. 
 
 
 Says he, “They’ve only taken him to the tender ship, 
 jousee.” “The tender ship!” cried Sally Brown — “what 
 u hardship that must be ! Oh ! would I were a mermaid 
 now, for then i’d follow him ; but oh ! I’m not a fish-woman, 
 and so I cannot swim. Alas! 1 was not born beneath the 
 Virgin and the Scales, so I must curse my cruel stars and 
 walk about in Wales.” 
 
 Now Ben had sailed to many a place that’s underneath the 
 world ; tut in two years the ship came home, and all her 
 sails were furled. But when he called on Sally Brown, to see 
 how slie got on, he found she’d got another Ben, whose 
 Ohi-istian name was John. “Oh, Sally Brown! oh, Sal- 
 ly Brown! how could you serve me so? I’ve met with many 
 a breeze before, but never such a blow !” 
 
 Then reading on his ’bacco box, he heaved a heavy sigh ; 
 and then began to eye his pipe, and then to pipe his eye. And 
 then he tried to sing “ All’s well but could not, though he 
 tried; his head was turned — and so he chewed his pigtail till 
 he died. His death, which happened in his berth, at forty 
 odd befell ; they went and told the sexton, and the sexton 
 tolled the bell . — Thomas Hood, 
 
 HE NE VER SMILED A GAI 
 
 They were fond of each other, very, and had been engaged. 
 But they quarrelled and were too proud to make it up. Ho 
 called a few days ago at her father’s house — to see the old 
 gentleman on business, of course. She answered liis ring at 
 
 the door bell. Said he: “Ah, Miss , I believe; is your 
 
 father witliin ?” “ No, sir,” she re])lied, “]>a is not in at ])res- 
 ent. Did you wish to see him ])ersonally ?” “Yes, ^liss,” 
 was his bluff response, feeling that she was yielding, “on 
 very ])articular ])crsonal business.” And lie very jiroudly 
 turned to go away. “ I beg your pardon,” she culled after 
 him as ho struck the lower step, “ but who shall 1 say call- 
 edV'^ He never smiled again. 
 
THE FUNNIEST HOOK OF ALL. 
 
 GOING ON AN EXCURSION. 
 
 They had been preparing for the excursion for about twa 
 weeks. The day at last dawned, and as the boat was to start 
 early, the young wife determined to be on hand. The clock 
 struck 8, and still she was in the kitchen, her hair down her 
 back, packing edibles in her basket. 
 
 “ Hurry up !” said John, her young husband. 
 
 “I’ll be ready presently,” and away she darted to blacken 
 her shoes and put on a clean collar. Then she stuck her head 
 out of the back window, to ask her next door neighbor to lend 
 her a breastpin. 
 
 “ Hurry up, John,” said she. “You bring the basket. 
 Now I’m all ready and am going down to the boat. And, 
 say, John, don’t forget a box of sardines you'll find in the 
 closet, and bring the pickles and tongue, and be sure and 
 bring a big knife. Do you hear me, John?” 
 
 John reeled into the kitchen and began his work. He was 
 interrupted by his wife’s voice from below, yelling: 
 
 “Jolin, there’s a can of strawberries in tlie ice-box; don’t 
 forget them. Now hurry, — we’ll be fearful late; and say, 
 bring one or two more handkerchiefs and a sun-umbrella — or, 
 I don’t know, it looks like rain, bring my water-proof. O! 
 you old poke ! you’re going to stay there all day. Now run 
 back and close those back shutters, and put the cat in the 
 kitchen, and leave a pan of milk for her; and say, just stop 
 around to the butcher’s and tell him we won’t need any meat 
 to-day ; and leave the key of the cellar under the parlor-door 
 mat. Now hurry, John. I’m off. And don’t forget any- 
 thing or I’ll go wild !” 
 
 He didn’t forget anything; but when he reached the wharf 
 he found the boat had been gone two hours. — N. Y. Express. 
 
 

 
 
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 UNSVERSH'' of SLLlNOiS 
 
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^ORIGINh 
 
 OF 
 
 FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 Rise of the Hat. 
 
 Flow FEW of US have traced the history of the hat! 
 The felt hat is as old as Iloiner. The Greeks made them 
 ill skull caps — conical, truncated, narrow or broad brimmed. 
 The Phrygian bonnet has an elevated cap without a brim, 
 the apex turned over in front. It is known as the Cap of 
 T^iberty. 
 
 An ancient figure of Liberty, in the time of Antonius 
 Livy, A. D. 145, holds the cap in the right hand. The 
 I^ersians wore soft caps ; plumed hats were the head-dress 
 of the Syrian corps of Xerxes; the broad brim was worn 
 by the Macedonian kings. Castor means a beaver. 
 
 The Armenian captive wore a plug hat. The merchants 
 of the fourteenth century wore a Flanders beaver ; Charles 
 VII., in 1469, wore a felt hat lined with red and jiliimed. 
 The English men and women in 1510 wore close woolen or 
 knitted caps; two centuries ago hats were worn in the 
 house. Pejiys, in his diary in 1664, wrote : 
 
 “September, 1664, got a severe cold because \ took off 
 my hat at dinner;” and again, in January, 1665. he got 
 
4 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 another cold by sitting too long with his head bare to allow 
 his wife’s maid to comb his hair and wash his ears. And 
 Lord Clarendon, in liis essay, speaking of the decay of re- 
 spect due the aged, says, that “in his younger days he 
 never kept his hat on before those older than himself, except 
 at dinner.” In the thirteenth century. Pope Innocent IV. 
 allowed the Cardinals the use of the scarlet cloth hat. 
 The hats now in use are the cloth hat, cork hat, embossed 
 hat, felt hat, fur hat, leather hat, paper hat, silk hat, 
 opera hat, spring brim hat and straw hat. 
 
 Origin of Gloves. 
 
 Gloves with separate fingers and covering the wrist 
 were first worn in France in the time of St. Louis (1215- 
 1270). The gauntlet was a later invention. If we may 
 trust a MS. Chronicle of Bertrand Guesclin, it was known 
 at the end of the fourteenth century. 
 
 Skins with the hair on were frequently used in the mid- 
 dle ages, as, according to the passage of Musonias quoted 
 by Casaubon, they had been by the ancients. They are 
 frequently mentioned as having been worn by Inisbandmen 
 in England. 
 
 The modern ladies’ glove of four-and-twenty buttons has 
 its prototype; for in the fourteenth century the nobility of 
 France began to wear gloves reaching to the elbows. 
 These gloves were, at times, like the more familiar stock- 
 ing which they must have much resembled, used as purses. 
 FTotwith standing their length, it was always looked upon 
 as decorous for the laity to take off their gloves in church, 
 where ecclesiastics alone might wear them. The custom 
 still obtains in the Church of England at the sacrament, 
 though it is plain that it had not arisen in this connection in 
 the first instance, since in the Roman ritual the communi- 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 5 
 
 cant does not handle the consecrated wafer. It was per- 
 haps regarded as a proof and symbol of clean hands, for 
 to this day persons sworn in our law courts are compelled 
 to remove their gloves. There is probably, too, some rela- 
 tion between this feeling and a curious Saxon law which for- 
 bade the Judges to wear gloves while sitting on the Bench. 
 
 The gloves of the» Judges were, like those of the Bish- 
 ops, a mark of their rank. The portraits of the Judges 
 painted by order of the Corporation of London in the 
 reign of Charles II., and hanging in the courts at Guild- 
 hall, represent them with fringed and embroidered gloves. 
 It was probably not in reference to the Judges that a cant 
 term for a bribe was a ‘‘pair of gloves.” 
 
 When Sir Thomas More was Chancellor, he happened 
 to determine a cause in favor of a lady named Croaker, 
 who displayed her gratitude by sending him a New Year’s 
 gift of a pair of gloves with forty angels in them. 
 
 Sir Thomas returned the money with the following 
 letter: “Mistress — Since it were against good manners 
 
 to refuse your New Year’s gift, I am content to take jmur 
 gloves, but as for the lining, I utterly refuse it.” 
 
 It was a mark of respect in the Middle Ages, and even 
 down to our fathers’ days, though fast disappearing, to 
 remove the glove in greeting. At several towns in Eng- 
 land, it has been the custom from time immemorial to 
 announce a fair by hoisting a huge glove upon a prominent 
 place. 
 
 Timepieces. 
 
 Ijowls were used to measure time, from which water, 
 drop by drop, was discharged tlirougli a small aperture. 
 Such bowls were called water-clocks. It was then ob« 
 served how much water from such bowl or cask, from sun 
 
6 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 rise till the shortest shadow, trickled down into another 
 bowl placed beneath; and this time, being the half of the 
 whole solar day, was divided into six hours. Consequently, 
 they took a sixth of the water which had trickled down, 
 poured it into the upper bowl, and, this discharged, one 
 hour had expired. But afterward a more convenient 
 arrangement was made. They observed how high the 
 water, at each hour, rose in the lower bowl, marked these 
 points, and counted tliem, thus finding out how many 
 hours were till sunrise. 
 
 With the Chinese, the water-clocks, or clepsydras, are 
 very old. They used a round vessel filled with water, 
 with a hole in the bottom, which was placed upon another 
 vessel. When the water in the upper vessel passed down 
 into the lower vessel, it subsided by degrees, announcing 
 thereby the part of time elapsed. The Babylonians are 
 said to have used such instruments; from them the Greeks 
 of Asia Minor got them, at the time of King C^u’us, about 
 the year 550 before Christ. The Romans did not get the 
 first water-clock before Christ. But, though the hours of 
 the clepsydras did not vary in length, they still counted 
 from the morning. 
 
 When the clock with us strikes seven, the ancients^ 
 counted one; when the clock with us strikes twelve, the 
 ancients counted six, and so forth. This method of count- 
 ing the hour was, according to the Kew Testament, also 
 customary in Palestine at the time of Christ. The water- 
 clocks had the advantage that they could be used in the 
 night, and the Romans used them to divide their night 
 watches, which were relieved four times, both summer and 
 winter. Comformably to these, four night watches were 
 counted, not only in Rome, but wherever a Roman garri- 
 son was stationed; consequently, also in Palestine after -it 
 had become a Roman province. 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 7 
 
 A Curious Account of the Origin of the “House that 
 Jack Built.” 
 
 As THE occupations and pleasures of childhood produce 
 a powerful impression on the memory, it is probable al- 
 most every reader who has passed his infantile day in an 
 English nursery recollects the delight with which he re- 
 peated that puerile, jingling legend, “The House that 
 Jack Built.” Yery few, however, says a writer in the 
 London Congregational Magazine^ are at all aware of the 
 original form of its composition, or the particular subject 
 it was designed to illustrate. Fewer still would suspect 
 that it is only an accommodated and altered translation of 
 an ancient parabolical hymn sung by the Jews at the feast 
 of the Passover, and commemorative of the principal 
 events in the history of that people. Yet such is actually 
 the fact. 
 
 The original in the Chaldee language is now lying be- 
 fore me, and I will here furnish them with a literal trans- 
 lation of it, and then add the interpretation as given by 
 P. N. Lebrecht, Leipsic, 1731. The hymn itself is found 
 in Sepher Ilaggadah, volume 23 : 
 
 1. A kid, a kid, my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 2. Then came the cat and ate the kid 
 That my father bought 
 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 3. Then came the dog, that bit the cat. 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 4 . Then came the staff, and beat the dog. 
 
 That bit the cat, 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 i 
 
s 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 That my father bouglit 
 For two pieces of vaoDey: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 6. Then came the fire, and burned the staff. 
 
 That beat the dog, 
 
 That bit the cat, 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 6. Then came the water and quenched the fir© 
 
 That burned the staff. 
 
 That beat the dog. 
 
 That bit the cat, 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money; 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 7. Then came the ox, and drank the water. 
 
 That quenched the fire, 
 
 That burned the staff. 
 
 That beat the dog. 
 
 That bit the cat. 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money; 
 
 A kid. a kid. 
 
 8. Then came the butcher and slew the oic. 
 
 That draiik the water, 
 
 That quenched the fire, 
 
 That burned the staff. 
 
 That beat the dog. 
 
 That bit the cat. 
 
 That ate the kid. 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 9. Then came the angel of death and killed the butcher. 
 That slew the ox. 
 
 That drank the water. 
 
 M: 
 
 
 
 
FAMILIAR THING 
 
 e 
 
 That quenched the fire. 
 
 That burned the staff, 
 
 That beat the dog, 
 
 That bit the cat. 
 
 That ate the kid, 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 10. Then came the Holy One, blessed be ELe* 
 
 And killed the angel of death, 
 
 That killed the butcher, 
 
 That slew the ox. 
 
 That drank the water. 
 
 That quenched the fire. 
 
 That burned the staff. 
 
 That beat the dog, 
 
 That bit the cat, 
 
 That ate the kid. 
 
 That my father bought 
 For two pieces of money: 
 
 A kid, a kid. 
 
 The following is the interpretation : 
 
 1. The kid, which is one of the pure animals, denotes 
 the Hebrews. Tlie father by whom it was purchased is 
 Jehovah, who represents himself as sustaining this rela- 
 tion to the Hebrew nation. The pieces of money signify 
 Moses and Aaron, through whose mediation the Hebrews 
 were brouglit out of Egypt. 
 
 2. The cat denotes the Assyrians, by whom the ten 
 tribes were cai-ried into captivity. 
 
 3. The dog is symbolical of the Babylonians. 
 
 4. The staff signified the Persians. 
 
 5. The fire indicates the Grecian Empire under Alex- 
 ander the Great. 
 
 G. The water betokens the Koman, or the fourth of the 
 great monarchies to whom the Jews were subjected. 
 
 7. The ox is a symbol of the Saracens, who subdued 
 Palestine, anu brought it under the Galiphate. 
 
10 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 8. The butcher that killed the ox denotes the Crusaders 
 by whom the Holy Land was wrested out of the hands of 
 the Saracens. 
 
 9. The angel of death signifies the Turkish power, by 
 which the land of Palestine was taken from the Franks, 
 and to whom it is still subject. 
 
 10. The commencement of the tenth stanza is designed 
 to show, that God will take signal vengeance on the 
 Turks, immediately after whose overthrow the Jews are 
 to be restored to their own land, and live under the gov- 
 ernment of their long-expected Messiah. 
 
 Professor Huxley’s Origin of the Domestic Dog. 
 
 In his second lecture on dogs at the Poyal Institution, 
 in London, Professor Huxley considered the problem of 
 the origin of the domestic dog. lie thought they could 
 see their w^ay to solving it if they began. upon a solid basis 
 of fact. Such a basis of fact was supj)lied b}" what they 
 knew of the origin of dogs of orth America. The Indians 
 of the northwestern parts of America were all in possession 
 of half-tame cur-like dogs living in the same way as the 
 dogs in Egpyt, in a semi-independent condition. In the 
 same country there existed a wild animal — the Canis 
 Latrans^ or prairie wolf. 
 
 It was impossible to point out any distinction between 
 the prairie wolves and the domesticated dog of the Indians. 
 It was difficult to understand how these wild and fierce 
 animals could be tamed ; and yet, when one knew their 
 liabits, it was easy enough. The smaller wolves and 
 jackals, although predacious and fierce, were endowed with 
 a singular curiosity; that curiosity directed them toward 
 man and his doings. There was not one of these animals 
 which, if caught young — whether jackal or small wolf — 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 11 
 
 could not be tamed and made as attached and devoted to 
 man as any ordinary dog. It was not difficult to under- 
 stand, therefore, how these animals became acquainted 
 with man, how they became trained, and how from them 
 sprang a race of domesticated animals which, curiously 
 enough, were far more attached to their masters and the 
 animals with which they were brought up, than to members 
 of their own family. 
 
 If they could depend upon the fact that this one domes- 
 tic dog originated in the taming of an indigenous wild ani- 
 mal, then the general problem of the origin of domestic 
 dogs would take this form — Could they find in all parts of 
 the world in which domestic dogs were known, wild stock so 
 similar to the existing race of dogs that there was nothing 
 unnatural in supposing that they had the same origin as 
 the Indian dog? They might trace dog-like animals far- 
 ther and farther west, until, in Northern Africa, they liad 
 a whole series of dog-like animals, usually known as jack- 
 als. He believed that these wild stocks were the source 
 from which, in each case, the savages who originally be- 
 gan to tame dogs had derived the stock. 
 
 This view was confirmed by the archaeological researches. 
 They had preserved to them, on the monuments of an- 
 cient Egypt, a great variety of forms of dogs, and it was 
 significant that the further back they went the fewer were 
 the varieties, until, at the time of the third and fourth dy- 
 nasties — that is, about six thousand years ago — there were 
 only two well-marked forms of dogs. One of them was a 
 coinparatively small cur-like dog, similar to that which was 
 to be seen in the streets of Cairo at the present day, and 
 the other was like a greyhound. 
 
 The cur was, no doubt, a tame species of the wild jackal, 
 which was still to be found in the same country ; and with 
 respect to the greyhound, there was in Abyssinia a very 
 
12 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 long-headed dog, which was very much of the same form 
 as the greyhound, and which, it could hardly be doubted, 
 was the source from which it sprang. Assuming that there 
 was no doubt that the origin of dogs could be traced to 
 these sources, the more modified forms of the domestic 
 animal were simply tlie result of the selected breeding, 
 which had given rise to the same modification in dogs as it 
 had done in the case of pigeons. 
 
 Romance of the Rose. 
 
 In Germany there are numerous superstitions connected 
 with the rose, of which a few as specimens are subjoined. 
 Rose leaves are thrown on a coal fire for good luck, and 
 great importance is attached to the ceremony and the rev- 
 erent manner in which it is performed. The relations of 
 this flower to blood are widely believed. In Germany, as 
 well as in France and Italy, a drop of one’s blood buried 
 under a rosebush is said in a short time -to produce rosy 
 ■cheeks. 
 
 It is also believed in Germany, that a white rose appears 
 in the chair ot any one about to die, and it would seem 
 that the soul was thought occasionally to take the form of 
 a white rose. It is also a German notion that if a white 
 rosebush blossoms unexpectedly, it is a sign of an ap- 
 proaching death in the nearest house; whereas, the blos- 
 soming of a red rose in autumn is said to denote an early 
 marriage. Many, too, dislike throwing a rose in a grave, 
 as it is supposed to be unlucky. 
 
 To scatter rose leaves on the ground has been held to 
 be ominous. As an illustration of this, we may quote the 
 following sad incident from the “Life and Correspondence 
 of M. G. Lewis.” The lady to whom the portent hap- 
 pened was Miss Ray, who was murdered at the piazza 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 13 ^ 
 
 entrance of Covent Garden Theater, April 7, 1779. When 
 the carriage was announced, and she was adjusting lier 
 dress, Miss Lewis made some remark on a beautiful rose 
 which Miss Eaj wore in her bosom. Just as the words 
 were uttered, the rose fell to the ground. She immediately 
 stooped to regain it, but as she picked it up the red leaves 
 scattered themselves on the carpet, and the stalk alone 
 remained in her hand. The poor girl, who had been de- 
 pressed in spirits before, was evidently afflicted by this in- 
 cident, and said, in a slightly faltering voice: 
 
 I trust I am not to consider this an evil omen.” But 
 soon rallying, she expressed to Mrs. Lewis in a cheerful 
 tone, her hope that they should meet again after the tlieater 
 — a hope, alas ! which was never realized. 
 
 In Italy the red rose is considered as an emblem of an 
 early death, and it is regarded as an evil omen to scatter 
 its leaves on the ground. 
 
 The rose is not without its weather lore, and it was for- 
 merly a common idea tliat when roses and violets flourished 
 in autumn there would be some epidemic in the ensuing 
 year. The training white dog rose is ‘commonly consid- 
 ered to liave been the most chosen by the house of York. 
 The white rose, however, has a very ancient interest for 
 Englishmen, for long before the brawl in the Temple 
 gardens, the flower had been connected with one of the 
 most ancient names on the island. The elder Pliny, in 
 discussing the etymology of the word Albion, suggests that 
 the land may have been so named from the w’hito roses 
 which abounded in it. 
 
 Discovery of Petroleum — An Interesting Story. 
 
 It was by the merest accident that Colonel E. L. 
 Drake’s attention was first directed to the value of petro- • 
 
14 
 
 OllIGIN OF 
 
 leum, in 1858. Half a century before that date, Kat 
 Carey had peddled the peculiar oil which was skiinined in 
 small quantities from the waters of Oil Creek, and had 
 paraded its virtues as a purgative and liniment. He 
 called it Seneca oil, from the fact that Ked Jacket, the 
 Seneca chief, had imparted to the whites the secret of its 
 powers. Its fame as a medicinal agent was purely local, 
 when Carey, with vials of the stuff, plodded from 
 hamlet to hamlet, and established a demand for it that 
 brought him no small profit. 
 
 An attempt by General Franklin to introduce this “great 
 natural medicine” to a Southern market later on ended 
 disastrously, the Baltimore merchant to whom a wagon- 
 load of it was consigned, dumping it into the Chesapeake 
 Bay, unable to endure the odor whicli it sent forth, and 
 unwilling to believe that his Southern customers could 
 accustom themselves to the remedy, no matter what the 
 nature of their ailments. Northern patients, howev'er, 
 took more kindly to it, but among them even it was known 
 more as a liniment than as a medicine. 
 
 For several years, until 1858, a firm in New York had 
 received from Titusville, Pa., about a gallon of this oil a 
 day, which, mixed with other ingredients, they sold as the 
 then celebrated “Mustang Liniment.” Their supply of 
 oil was gathered in the very primitive method of dipping 
 blankets in a spring permeated with the article and wring- 
 ing them into pans. This spring was owned by the firm, 
 and when they were unable to meet their indebtedness to 
 persons in New Haven, Conn., the latter took the Titus- 
 ville property in payment. This was in 1858. Colonel 
 Drake was then a conductor on the New York A New 
 Haven Kailroad, whose shrewdness had already attracted 
 the attention of the owners of the newly-acquired property. 
 They sent him to Pennsylvania to perfect their title to it. 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 15 
 
 He became satisfied from his observations, that Seneca oil 
 was possessed of more properties than had ever been cred- 
 ited to it, and that a fortune was in store for the man who 
 €Ould secure it in any quantit}\ 
 
 He suggested the idea that the oil could be obtained in 
 paying quantities by sinking a well. He was laughed at as 
 a lunatic by the Pennsylvanians. Returning to Hew Haven, 
 he succeeded in interesting some capitalists in the novel 
 theory, and in organizing the Seneca Oil Company, of 
 which he was appointed manager. In the spring of 1859, 
 he commenced sinking a well on Watson’s Flat, at a spot 
 about a mile below Titusville. The move was considered 
 so ridiculous that it was only with the greatest difficulty 
 that he could hire assistance in the work. He finally 
 secured the services of an old salt-borer, named William A. 
 Smith, and his two sons. The boring of the first pe- 
 troleum well was begun on the 1st of July, 1859. When 
 the three men quit work at sundown on the 29th of August, 
 they had drilled to a depth of sixty-nine feet six inches. 
 The elder Smith was first at the hole the following morning, 
 and to his astonishment it was filled with oil. A barrel of 
 it was dipped out in a few minutes, and the news of Colonel 
 Drake’s sanity ran like wildfire up Oil Creek Valley. The 
 discovery was flashed over the country, and then began the 
 ever-memorable oil excitement, which made and beggared 
 men before it subsided. To-day the oil region is honey- 
 combed with wells, the supply of petroleum far exceeds 
 the demand, and farmers who own no oil stock are skim- 
 ming from the waters of the same creeks over which old 
 Hat Carey labored, hundreds of gallons of the stufi’, which 
 is running to waste. 
 
1 « 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Origin of the Dial. 
 
 Max Muller, in the Contempor'ary Review^ says: If 
 in our language we are Aryan, in our letters Egyptian, we 
 have only to look at our watches to see that we are Baby- 
 lonian. Why is our hour divided into sixty minutes, our 
 minutes into sixty seconds? Would not a division of the 
 hour into ten, or fifty, or a hundred minutes, have been 
 more natural? We have sixty divisions on the dials of our 
 watches simply because the Greek astronomer Hipparchus, 
 who lived in the second century B. C., accepted the Baby- 
 lonian system of reckoning time, that system being sexa- 
 gesimal. The Babylonians knew the decimal system, but 
 for practical purposes they counted by sossi and sai'i^ the 
 80SS0S representing 60, the sai^os 60x60, or 3,600. From 
 Hipparchus that system found its way into the works of 
 Ptolemy about 150 A.D., and thence it was carrried down 
 the stream of civilization, finding its last resting-place on 
 the dial-plates of our clocks. 
 
 Horse-Racing. 
 
 Horse-racing, it appears, first came into fashion in 
 France, in the days of Louis XYI. A writer of tlie time 
 says: “A jockey is nowadays more thought of than a 
 
 runner. Ladies go to the races and seem to have no pity 
 for those youths with closely-cropped hair, who render 
 themselves wheezy and asthmatic in order to enable M. 
 Le Due to win the prize.” The first racing men, were 
 Philippe d’ Orleans, who afterward became Phillip Egaiite, 
 the Due de Penthievre, the Chevalier Saint Georges, and 
 the Comte d’ Artois, afterward Charles X. The race-course 
 was the high road from Paris to St. Denis. 
 
 In those days, however, racing was an expensive luxury 
 in which only a few Anglo-maniacs indulged. It was not 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 17 
 
 until after the Kevolution of 1830, that the passion for rac- 
 ing, which has ever since gone on increasing in ardoiv 
 took possession of the French nation, and more especially 
 of the Parisians. The great owners then were Mine, 
 Latache de Fay, and the eccentric Lord Seymour, who had 
 his stables, in the very center of Paris, on the Boulevard 
 des Italiens where the Theater des Nouveautes now 
 stands. A writer on the manners of 1830 declares, in 
 spite of the comparative popularity of the races, that the 
 passion for horse-flesh was only a caprice of fashion, and 
 that it would not last. ‘‘Its apparition on the Parisian 
 liorizon,” he says, “marks only a new phase in what is 
 called Anglo-mania. 
 
 “ Before the fall of the Empire, a Frenchman rode on 
 horseback according to the old principles, and enjoyed 
 equitation after the manner of the routine of the past. 
 The end of the Continental blockade was the signal for the 
 introduction of ‘sport,’ the ‘turf,’ ‘steeple-chases.’ The 
 ‘gentleman rider’ crossed the Channel under favor of the 
 same wind which carried the Bellerophon and its illustrious 
 captive to St. Helena. In spite of the favors of fash- 
 ion, in spite of the foundation of a famous Club, the ori- 
 gin and name of which are essentially horsey, in spite of 
 the more serious establishment of the Societe d ’Encour- 
 agement, for the improvement of the race of horses, 
 ‘sport’ has scarcely entered into our manners any more 
 than the word has into our language.” For years, in 
 fact, the public did not attend tlie races ; the members of 
 the Jockey Club and of tlie Societe d’ Encouragement used 
 to be present almost alone and awarded tlie jirizes with 
 grave dignity. 
 
 Under the Second Enqiire, however, tliese c(j[uestrian 
 ceremonies began to assume a festive air. The jmblic of 
 the first re])resentations, the '‘'‘tout Paris dea 'premieres^ 
 
18 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 shone in the first ranks of the Grand Stand, and the ladies 
 in grand toilet chatted with the young “sportsmen” about 
 the horses that were entered. It was then that some 
 noble Anglo-maniac imported a mail-coach from England, 
 and four-in-hands became at once a fashion and a stum- 
 bling-block to French ortliographists. 
 
 Among the most brilliant of the gentlemen riders of that 
 time was the Due de Grammont-Caderousse, a singular 
 combination of elegance and ignorance, and one of the 
 last of the ^'‘viveurs’'^ of Paris. At present, in s])ite of 
 the prophet whose words I have quoted above, horse-rac- 
 ing is becoming more and more popular in France. The 
 height of elegance and the quintessence of chic is to own 
 race-horses. It is the acme of luxury. Nowadays a man 
 has neither power nor influence unless he keeps race- 
 horses, owns a news])aper, and provides the bulk of the 
 funds for some tlieater. 
 
 Origin of Certain Names. 
 
 Anna-bella is not Anna-bella, or Fair Anna, but is the 
 feminine name of Ilannibel, meaning gift (or grace) of Bel. 
 Arabella is not Arabella, or beautiful altar, but Grabilla, a 
 dying woman. In its Anglicized form of Orabel, it was 
 much more common in the thirteenth century than at 
 present. Maurice has nothing to do with Mauritius, or a 
 Moor, but comes from Amalric — himmel-reich — the king- 
 dom of lieaven. Ellen is the feminine of xVlain, Allan, 
 Allan, and has no possible connection with Helen, which 
 comes from a difierent language, and is older by about a 
 thousand years at least. Amy is not from aimee, but from 
 amie. Avice, or Avis, does not exactly mean advice, as 
 some seem to think. It comes from Hid wis, and means 
 happy, wisdom. Eliza has no connection with Elizabeth. 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 19 
 
 It is the sister of Louisa, and both mean the daughters of 
 Heloise, which is Ileelwis, another form of Louisa, or 
 rather Louise, which is the feminine of Louis, but this was 
 scarcely heard of before the sixteenth century. The older 
 Ileloise form of the name, Aloisa, or Aloysia, was 
 adopted into mediaeval English as Elesia — a name which 
 our old genealogists always confuse with Alic. Emily 
 and Amelia are not different forms of one name. Emily 
 is from ^mylia, the name of an Etruscan gens. Amelia 
 comes from the Gothic amala — heavenly. Reginald is not 
 derived from Regina, and has nothing to do with a queen. 
 It is Reinalt — exalted purity. Alice, Adelias, Adelaide, 
 Alisa, Alix, Adeline, are all forms of one name, the root 
 of which is adel — noble. But Anne was never used as 
 identical with Annis or Agnes (of which last the old Scotch 
 Annas is a variety), nor, it is maintained, was Elizabeth 
 ever synonymous with Isabel. 
 
 The Origin of Ghosts. 
 
 On the appreciation of the simple fact that the brain is 
 the true seat of the senses, says Chambers^ Journal^ rests 
 the whole explanation of the ghosts and apparitions which 
 occasionally attend the footsteps and meet the eyes of hu- 
 manity. When we are conscious of looking at a real ob- 
 ject, a sensation of sight is formed on the brain, as we have 
 seen. Such a sensation we call an ‘‘objective” one, be- 
 cause it is derived from a veritable object. So also when 
 we hear a tune played by a person whom we see, or of 
 whose existence, even when unseen, we entertain no doubt, 
 the sensation of sound is then called “subjective.” But 
 there are many familiar instances in which the power of 
 the mind to reproduce the sensations, sights and sounds we 
 have received, is demonstrated. 
 
30 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 The day-dreamer can sometimes bring the scenes in 
 which he has once taken part, so vividly before his mental 
 gaze, that his reverie may actually be broken by the words- 
 which unconsciously flow from his lips as his imagination 
 starts into bodily action. Such a power of fancy and imag- 
 ination, is the beginning or faint imitation of a still more 
 powerful means which we possess, of bringing before our- 
 selves the forms and scenes which have once been object- 
 ively present with us. In the dream, this power is illus- 
 trated typically enough 
 
 From the background of consciousness, so to speak, we 
 project forward, in our sleep, the pictures which a busy 
 brain is producing, or it may be piecing together from the 
 odds and ends of its fancy, to form the ludicrous combina- 
 tions we are familiar with in the "‘land of Xod.” And if 
 we carry the idea of this same power being exercised in 
 our waking moments, to form the ghosts of science, the 
 explanation of the otherwise curious and mysterious sub- 
 ject of illusive visions will be completed. 
 
 Arab Auguries. 
 
 The Bedouins take auguries from birds. A single raven 
 in one’s path is a very bad token, but two are extremely 
 lucky. They say “Aklidharegn Falan zein” — two green 
 (i. e., black) ones, a fair omen. 
 
 The Bedouins have many other superstitions about ani- 
 mals. The superstition as to the flesh of the rock badger, 
 which Palmer noted in the peninsula of Sinai, is unknown 
 here; but there is a similar idea about the number of 
 monkeys which frequent Mount Kara. These, it is said, 
 were once men, who came to visit the prophet. Tie set 
 before them milk and water, directing them to drink 
 the former and perform their ablutions with the latter. 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 21 
 
 The perverse visitors drank the water and washed with the 
 milk, and were transformed to monkeys for their disobedr 
 ence. As they were once men, their flesh is not eaten. 
 
 This legend is closely akin to what one reads in the fab- 
 ulous history of early Arabia, about iS^asnas and the Wabar 
 in the great sandy desert. Both these words are monkey 
 names, quite cm rent in the present day, though not recog- 
 nized by the lexicons. The latter is an ape, the former a 
 monkey with a tail. Except in this monkey story, we 
 could find no trace of the superstitious rejection of the 
 flesh of any animal. But some kinds of flesh have a mag- 
 ical virtue attached to them. A man who suffers in any 
 member of his body, seeks a cure by eating the corre- 
 sponding part of a hyena. The hyena is also eaten in the 
 neighborhood of Suez, for a friend who shot one near the 
 wells of Moses was requested by the Bedouins to give 
 them a leg. A similar virtue attaches to the flesh of 
 the gemsbok (Wudneyhy), a rare species of antelope, 
 found far in the interior. When eaten, it draws an obsti- 
 nate bullet from a wound. 
 
 How Ice First Came into Use--Conscientious Scru- 
 ples of the Puritans Against its Use in Summer. 
 
 Lookino for the ice-cart in the morning with more long- 
 ing than we look for butcher or baker, it becomes a matter 
 <jf astonishment what the world did without tliat refriger- 
 ating crystal before it was invented, or at least before 
 it became an article of commerce. 
 
 There were long drouths and blazing hot summers many 
 times in each century before this, in which it is our priv- 
 ilege to draw cold water from a tin fountain, yet it was 
 reserved to this century to discover that ice could not 
 
2 ^ 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 be done without; that it is a solid comfort in health and the 
 most soothing of all luxuries in sickness. 
 
 It was very natural that a Bostonian should have made 
 that discovery. Granite and ice are said to be the princi- 
 pal productions of Massachusetts. Of course the native 
 Yankee turned the first into building material; and as 
 to the latter, he made the world ashamed of itself that 
 it had done without it so long. The process was a slow 
 one of forcing ice down the throats of the people. 
 
 The old Puritans thought it was flying in the face of 
 Providence to use ice in the summer-time. They believed 
 that, if He had intended it for any good purpose then, 
 He would have furnished it in July instead of December. 
 While waiting for conscience and comfort to come into 
 harmony, the export trade was begun, and Brazil was 
 favored with Yankee ice before the Yankees themselves 
 began to use it. 
 
 It was many years before the business rose to any 
 importance. The War of 1812 stood in the way; the 
 navigation of the country was in its infancy, and invention 
 had not been exercised upon appliances for preserving an 
 article which to-day is, but to-morrow is not. 
 
 In 1805, the first year of exportation, but a hundred and 
 thirty tons of ice were shipped from Boston, and more 
 than twenty years later the export amounted to but four 
 thousand tons. Indeed, it was forty years from the first 
 commencement of the business before it began to assume 
 importance, but since then it has risen rapidly until 
 millions of dollars are invested in it. 
 
 The article is now sent to India, the West Indies, South 
 America and our own Southern States; to Mexico and 
 wherever else the climate can thus be antidoted. It is tho 
 convenient ballast of vessels seeking foreign cargoes, and 
 great ice-houses are built with triple walls and quintuple 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 23 
 
 roofs against which the rays of the tropic sun beat in vain. 
 The consumption abroad, however, is small, compared 
 with what is used here. 
 
 Kew York and Brooklyn alone take over eight hun- 
 dred thousand tons to keep them in a state of atmospheric 
 equilibrium, three or four times as much as is used in 
 Great Britain. After the American fashion in other 
 things, ice is employed with a prodigality that borders 
 on wastefulness. Ice pitchers are filled until there is 
 little room for water ; the amount employed in the cool- 
 ing of soda watei* fountains is no small item ; ices and 
 frozen creams take many tons daily. 
 
 What was done before ice came into use ? In Oriental 
 countries the devices were few and simple. A low tem- 
 perature was attained by the evaporation of the water 
 through porous jars, the bottles or other articles to be 
 cooled being placed inside. The waters of deep wells 
 were eagerly sought for, and are to-day as much in demand 
 as they were in the time of Christ. Aside from these, 
 there is but little comfort in tropical climates where ice is 
 yet unknown, and the pious Mussulman resigns himself to 
 fate with much more philosophy than a Christian shows 
 under the same circumstances. Here, even at the present' 
 day, in many parts of the country, the customs of the fore- 
 fathers are followed. Articles to be preserved are sus- 
 pended half-way down the wells, or cellars are dug, deep 
 enough, with the aid of thick stone walls, to defy the heat. 
 
 The Pin. — A Slow Development of Four Thousand 
 
 Years. 
 
 Bins akk of very ancient invxmtion, as they were manu- 
 factured by the Egyptians in the time of tlie Ifiiaraohs. 
 Many of tliose useful articles were found in the tombs of 
 
24 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 the kings in the Pyramids. Some of them were of quite 
 elaborate manufacture, and must have been costly, as they 
 had gold heads, and were six to eight inches in length. 
 Needles are also supposed to be of great antiquity, and 
 their introduction into Europe is said to have taken place 
 at the time of the Saracen invasion and conquest of Spain. 
 The first needles made in England were manufactured at 
 London by a negro, who came there from Spain during the 
 reign of Queen Mary. He died without imparting the 
 secret of his art; but it was subsequently recovered in 
 1565, by one Elias Growse. A century later, one Christo- 
 pher Greening was instrumental in establishing a factory 
 at Long Creadon, in Buckinghamshire. 
 
 Pins have now been in pretty general use in this country 
 for nearly four hundred years. They were at first merely 
 clumsy iron spikes, but in 1540, brass ones were introduced 
 from France. The importance the ladies of those days at- 
 tached to them, may be gathered from the fact that they 
 induced Parliament to pass an act “to avoid the sleighty 
 and false making of pinnes, which be dayly vented, uttered, 
 and put to sale within this realme, to the no little hurte and 
 damage of the Kinge’s subjects, byers, and occupiers of 
 the same.” 
 
 “Be it enacted,” continued the old law, “that no man- 
 ner of persons shall vent, utter, or put to sale by retayle, 
 engrosse, or otherwise, any manner of pinnes within this 
 realme, but only such as shall be double headed, and have 
 the heades soudered fast to the shank of the pinne, wel 
 smothed, the shank well shaven, the poynt well round, 
 filed, canted, and shaped.” 
 
 From this curious old enactment, it appears that at that 
 time of day, pins were made pretty much as they were 
 ever since until recent years. Improvements were effected 
 
FAMILIAR THIM68. 
 
 25 
 
 in the various operations, and the division of labor, was, 
 in course of time, carried to a very remarkable extent. 
 
 It has been reckoned that no fewer than twenty-seven 
 persons were formerly employed in making a pin. This 
 probably included all who had any thing to do with the 
 metal from the mine upwards. But even in the manu- 
 facture of the actual pin, as many as twelve or fourteen 
 were concerned. One would straighten the wire, another 
 <iut it into handy lengths, another make the points, several 
 w^ould be engaged in making heads, others in putting 
 them on, and so forth. Clearly, therefore, when pins 
 were made by hand, a very large proportion of their cost 
 went to the maintenance of workpeople, and the industry 
 maintained thousands of hands. 
 
 The macliine came in, and all but abolished the opera- 
 tive. Wire is put in at one end, and pins come out at the 
 other. A child may tend five or six of these wonderful 
 pieces of mechanism, each of which will turn out pins at 
 the rate of 300 a minute. Thus, in the present day, a child 
 may produce at the rate of 1,500 to 2,000 pins a minute, 
 each of which, a few years ago, would individually have 
 required the attention of twelve or fourteen persons. 
 
 Rise and Fall of the Drum. 
 
 We have been told, says a Parisian gentleman, that the 
 drum comes to us from the East, and that the Moors first 
 brought it into Euro])e. Certain is tlie fact, that the most 
 savage races have always rejoiced in tlieir tam-tams, and as 
 the [)leasure of making noise is inherent in human nature, 
 perhaj)S tlie most effective way of creating a din was in- 
 vented by Adam’s sons or grandsons. But tlie drum does 
 not a})pear to have been used in the French army until 
 towards the close of the fourteenth century, and its intro- 
 
26 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 duction is attributed to the English invasion under Edward 
 III. Its general adoption by the infantry dates back to 
 the time of Louis XL, when the Swiss element was largely 
 infused into the royal forces. 
 
 The drum at that epoch was a shapeless instrument, and 
 served more for rallying the troops, or for the conveyance 
 of the word of command, than for regulating the step, which 
 was far from being as measured as it is now. Each 
 captain had a drummer in his private livery, and he em- 
 ployed him to carry his orders or his instructions as much 
 as for beating the word of command ; the drummer in 
 those days appears to have been a kind of aid-de-camp. 
 The covering was usually made from the hide of some 
 animal — generally of an ass — though if it be true that John 
 Zisca, the avenger of IIuss, bequeathed his skin to his 
 gallant companions in arms, to form the covering of a 
 drum which was to summon them in case of danger, 
 material more noble was at least once made to serve the 
 purpose. 
 
 The drum was not used for drilling infantry to keep 
 step until the middle of the eighteenth century, and the 
 roll, such as we now know it, was only regulated some^ 
 hundred years ago. The drummer’s art then became more 
 difficult, and to perfect it regimental schools w'ere estab- 
 lished, the master of which was the drum-major, who in re- 
 cent times still was such a prominent and popular personage 
 in each French regiment. The period of his- greatest glory 
 was the First Empire, when the drum-major of the grena- 
 diers of the guard had rank as a captain and wore a uniform 
 which cost Xapoleon one hundred and twenty pounds. 
 Under the restoration and the monarchy of July, drum- 
 majors were given to the regiments of firemen, and even to 
 those of the national guard, but of late years their prestige 
 has diminished in a great extent, and also their stature ; 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 27 
 
 they are no longer such imposing clothes-horses, all lace 
 and feathers, towering above ordinary mortals; the race 
 has in fact been visibly deteriorating. 
 
 Such as they are, however, they will now disappear from 
 the head of French regiments with their drums. The 
 Minister of War explained before the Budget Committee, 
 that his reason for adopting the change is because drum- 
 mers are not combatants, so he proposed to replace them 
 by trumpeters, who do come under that category. Like 
 the white leather aprons of the sappers, which have disap- 
 peared for some time, the little parchment-covered cylinders 
 are henceforth doomed. 
 
 Legends of Flowers. 
 
 Legendary lore informs us, that the rose was consecrated 
 to Y enus, and Cupid wore its freshest blooms. The origin 
 of the red rose is thus explained. One accounts for it by 
 saying, that Yenus was wounded by its thorns, and her 
 blood flowed upon the pure white and changed it red. 
 Another affirms, that Eve, wandering in the bowers of bliss, 
 stopped to kiss the waxen whiteness, which, blushing, re- 
 tains the vermilion line. But Herrick says, that 
 
 As Cupid danced among 
 The gods, he down the nectar flung ; 
 
 Which, on tlie white rose being shed, 
 
 Made it, forever after, red. 
 
 We have heard the origin of the name “forget-me-not ” 
 is ascribed to the following incident: Two lovers had 
 
 wandered far until they reached a grove, all flowers and 
 moss beneath and leaves above. Within this wood was a 
 deep blue lake, witli islands gemming its peaceful breast. 
 “Those little blue-eycd*flowcrs !” the maiden cried ; 
 
 “O see them, Ernest, drooping o’er the brink 
 Of that sweet isle ! Now shall thy love be tried, 
 
ORIGIN OF 
 
 Thou gallant knight ! So swear that, swim or sink, 
 
 Those flowers around my brow thy hand shall link ! ” 
 
 The lover, smiling, vowed it o’er and o’er 
 And leaped right gayly toward the flowery plot. 
 
 But fell alas ! and sunk — yet not before 
 He grasped the flowers, and threw them toward the spot 
 Where Mary sat, crying “ Forget-me-not.” 
 
 Tlie passion flower owes its name to the missionaries who 
 discovered it while they were traversing South America. 
 It is said its ten petals were fancied by them to represent 
 the ten Apostles, besides Judas, who betrayed, and Peter, 
 who denied, his Master. The stamens compare to a radi- 
 ance or glory issuing from the cup of the flower; the 
 small purple threads at the base of the st}de, to a crown of 
 thorns; the style, to which the malefactors were bound 
 when scourged ; the clasper to the cord, and the palmate 
 leaf to the hand. The three divisions at the top of tlie 
 style represent the three nails. One of the flve stamens 
 being taken for the hammer, the other four remain to form 
 the cross. The time between the opening and closing of 
 the flowers, in its native country, being three days, com- 
 pletes the representation. 
 
 Of one tender flower, Shakespeare says : ‘ ‘ The more it 
 
 is trodden under foot, the faster it grows ; yet youth, the 
 more it is wasted, the sooner it wears.” The following 
 unecdote is told of it: During the Devolution, a British 
 
 ofiicer, walking in the garden, eagerly inquired the names 
 of the various plants cultivated. Coming to one bed, he 
 asked the mistress of the ground (who attended him with 
 evident reluctance) what was the name of that low plant. 
 
 “The rebel’s flower,” replied she with firmness. 
 
 “Why so called i" questioned the officer. 
 
 “ Because,” was the bold reply, “it flourishes the more 
 it is trampled upon. ’ ’ 
 
 Wordsworth says : 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 29 
 
 As long as there are violets, 
 
 They will have a place in stor}\ 
 
 So we must not pass them by. In the fourteenth cen- 
 tury, a golden violet was awarded as a prize to the author 
 of the best poem in the Provencal language. In the 
 festival of the Feralia, celebrated by the Pomans in honor 
 of their dead, violets were strewn as offerings. But even 
 more do we love our old friends looking up from their bed 
 of green — the pansies ; for we remember Ophelia’s touch- 
 ing words, ‘‘There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; 
 pray you, love, remember; and there’s pansies, they’re 
 for thoughts.” The couch of Eden was formed of 
 
 Pansies and violets, and asphodel, 
 
 And hyacinths, earth’s freshest, softest lap. 
 
 Narcissus indicates egoism and self-love. Echo, the 
 nymph, loved the beautiful young Narcissus. Finding he 
 did not reciprocate her affection, she pined away until at 
 length she was changed to rock, and nothing but her voice 
 remained. But Aphrodite avenged the injury to her sex 
 on Narcissus, who in his self-love had scorned the lovely 
 nymph. As he was hunting one day, he went down to 
 quench his thirst from a spring, clear as a crystal, and 
 beheld his own image reflected therein. The goddess 
 caused him to fall in love with Ids own shadow, which 
 being unattainable, he, too, pined away from pure longing, 
 and, ever since, the flower named after him has continued 
 an emblem of heartless beauty and self-love. 
 
 In some climates the cactus forms dense thickets, so 
 impervious as not to be penetrated by man. Since it has 
 been introduced into our green-houses, it has rapidly been 
 growing in favor. ’Tis said that one once raised its tall 
 bare branches amid the blooming flowers of a conservatory, 
 and ’twas deemed so ugly that it was thrown aside ; sud- 
 
so 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 denly it put forth a hundred flowers, and its perfume fell 
 with every breeze. Enraptured, the gardener exclaimed : 
 Most gorgeous of the flowers of earth, 
 
 Like love, thou waitest want and shame 
 To call thy beauties into birth. 
 
 O, teach me, wise and noble flowers. 
 
 To train my simple heart to meet 
 Misfortune’s dark and friendless hours 
 With smiles like theirs, serene and sweet ! 
 
 First Locomotive in America. 
 
 The fikst locomotive run in this country was built by 
 Peter Cooper, of New York, and run from Baltimore to 
 Ellicott City, Md. The young people took to making 
 wedding trips of eight miles at once, and the custom has 
 grown and developed with the country. The following 
 is the first “time-table” advertised: 
 
 “Office of the Baltimore & Ohio ] 
 
 11 . K. Co., June 16th, 1830. { 
 
 “From the depot on Pratt street, there will start: 
 
 “A train of carriages at 9 o’clock, a.m. 
 
 “A train of carriages at 3 o’clock, p.m. / 
 
 “A way carriage at 6 o’clock, p.m. 
 
 “Persons who are desirous of obtaining seats are 
 requested to be punctual, as the carriages start precisely 
 at the time stated. Round trip only T5 cents.” 
 
 First Message by Telegraph. 
 
 The first message by telegraph was sent from Mt. 
 Clare Depot, Baltimore, to the Supreme Court chamber, 
 at Washington. The words were: “What hath God 
 
 Wrought?” and were sent by Miss Annie Ellsworth, 
 daughter of the Commissioner of Patents, to Professor 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS, 
 
 31 
 
 Morse. She received this privilege as a reward for inform- 
 ing the Professor that Congress had passed the bill to test 
 his experiment. He was in despair after years of effort. 
 It reads like a passage of our own times, to learn that 
 Congressional wits moved amendments, including experi- 
 ments in millerism and mesmerism^ to the act. Such, 
 however, is the fact. He was afterwards honored by all 
 nations, and the European powers presented him wdth 
 400,000 francs. 
 
 The Origin of Language — Early Efforts of Man to Com- 
 municate with His Fellows — The Progress from 
 Vagueness to Precision. 
 
 pROFESSOK Arel belicves the early Egyptian language 
 was anciently a language of homonyms, confused by the 
 use of one sound for a multitude of things, and by the con- 
 verse phenomenon of a great variety of sounds, all signi- 
 tying the same thing. These imperfections of language 
 Professor Abel identifies with what he terms a literature of 
 pictures. And even as these signs and symbols were 
 needed to piece out the sense of written words, so might 
 it well be supposed that gestures must have accompanied 
 lingual speech. 
 
 The further back we go in the history of man, the more 
 sensuous must have been the subjects of his discourse. As 
 ideas became familiar, a selective process would gradually 
 have fixed the meaning of words, and would have rejected 
 hierogly})hic aid. Professor Abel shows, by way of illustra- 
 tion, how thirty-seven words, all signifying the same thing 
 in the earliest hieroglyphic writing, were reduced in num- 
 ber to ten, in the subsequent Coptic literature. 
 
 The same devoloj)inent from vagueness of sound to 
 clearness and precision he considered by analogy to have 
 
32 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 been probable in the Aryan and Semitic tongues, and in- 
 deed in all forms of language whatever. The rank lux- 
 uriance of synonjuns was thinned as soon as the systematic 
 process of planting began. 
 
 Such ascertained phenomena as those adduced, in regard 
 to the most ancient of now decipherable languages, would, 
 he conceives, negative the idea that speech originated in air 
 outburst of inspiration. 
 
 He shows, also, inversions of sound, inversions of sense, 
 and inversions both of sound and sense. Among words 
 whose meaning w^as exactly inverted in ancient Egyptian 
 literature, he mentions those which stand antithetically for 
 strong and weak, to cut to pieces and to unite, to take and 
 to let lie, to receive and to give, to hold fast and to let go. 
 Yast numbers of homophonic words, he contends, were far 
 from fortuitous ; contrasts and antitheses being necessary 
 to the understanding of all things. 
 
 The school-boy, in a scientific age, must know what one 
 kind of angle is- before he can define another kind. In 
 the childhood of mankind, there was doubtless a mental 
 wrestling after the most elementary meanings. A thing 
 and its contrary, had, therefore, a logical connection so 
 close that, in the infancy of speech, it might very naturally 
 find expression in the same word, slight phonetic differ- 
 entiations distinguishing between the several meanings of 
 the same word. 
 
 Contradictory propositions, compounded of two oppo- 
 sites, Professor Abel observes to be frequent not only in 
 the ancient Egjq)tian language, but in modern German and 
 English. He instances notably the words ‘‘without,’’ 
 “withhold,” “withstand” and “withdraw,” observing 
 how opposed each was to the sense of the monosyllable 
 word “with.” 
 
FAMILIAR TUiyGS. 
 
 3J> 
 
 Age of the World- -Reade Makes it Six Hundred 
 Millions of Years. 
 
 Geologists, astronomers and physicists alike, have hith- 
 erto been baffled in their attempts to set up any satisfactory 
 kind of chronometer which will approximately measure 
 geological time, and thus give us some clue to the antiquity 
 of our globe. It is therefore worth noting, that Mr. 
 Mellard Reade, of Liverpool, has recently contributed to 
 the Royal Society a very suggestive paper, in which he 
 endeavors to grapple with the question by employing the 
 limestone rocks of the eartlihs crust as an index of geo- 
 logical time. 
 
 Limestones have been in course of formation from the 
 earliest known geological periods, but it would appear that 
 the later found strata are more calcareous than the earlier, 
 and that there has in fact been a gradually progressive 
 increase of calcareous matter. 
 
 The very extensive deposition of carbonate of lime over 
 wide areas of the ocean-bottom at the present day, is suffi- 
 ciently attested by the recent soundings of the “Chal- 
 lenger. ’ ’ According to the author’ s estimate, the sed iment- 
 ary crust of the earth is at least one mile in average actual 
 thickness, of which probably one-tenth consists of calcare - 
 ous matter. 
 
 In seeking the origin of this calcareous matter, it is 
 assumed that the ])rimitive rocks of the original crust were 
 of the nature of gigantic or basaltic rocks. By the disinte- 
 gration of such rocks, calcareous and other sedimentary 
 deposits have been formed. 
 
 The amount of lime salts in waters which drain districts 
 made up of granites and basalts, is found, by a compar- 
 ison of analyses, to be on an average about d.7d parts in 
 100,000 ]>arts of water 
 
 It is further assumed, tluit the excesed areas of igneous 
 
34 
 
 0 RIG IX Ob' 
 
 rocks, taking an av^erage throughout all geological time, 
 will bear to the exposures of sedimentary rocks a ratio of 
 about one to nine. From these and other data, Mr. Keade 
 concludes that the elimination of the calcareous matter 
 now found in all the sedimentary strata must have occupied 
 at least 600,000,000 of years. Tliis, therefore, represents 
 the minimum age of the world. 
 
 The author infers, that the formation of the Laurentian, 
 Cambrian and Silurian strata must have occupied about 
 300,000,000 of years; the old red sandstone, the carbonif- 
 erous, and the poikilitic systems, another 200,000,000; 
 and all the other strata, the remaining 200,000,000. Mr. 
 Reade is, therefore, led to believe, that geological time has 
 been enormously in excess of the limits urged by certain 
 physicists ; that it has been ample to allow for all the 
 changes which, on the hypothesis of evolution, liave oc- 
 curred in the organic world. 
 
 The Rise and Progress of the Finger-Bowl. 
 
 The history of dinner-table etiquette, as far as the 
 cleansing of the fingers goes, has caused a great deal of 
 discussion. 
 
 Table manners and table equipage have been derived 
 from the French. Strange as it may seem, a great many 
 dinner amenities owe their origin to the East. Bibliophile 
 Jacob says somewhere, that the napkins during a repast 
 were possibly brought into use in Europe after the Cru- 
 sades. ^ Oriental habits at dinner, where the Turk of the 
 old school to-day, having no knife or fork, plunges his 
 fingers in the pillau, are but a continuation of customs of 
 the times of Saladin. 
 
 The Oriental is excessively clean in his habits, and 
 between the fingering of the viands and some of the manij> 
 
8T) 
 
 FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 Illations of a cook with his dishes, really the difference is 
 only this — that the Turk who picks out a peculiar nice 
 titbit to offer to his guest, does it in view of everyone, 
 wdiile the cook’s prior actions are not seen. As fountains 
 were ever spurting and gurgling in Haroun-al-Kaschid’s 
 banqueting halls, opportunities to cleanse one’s fingers in 
 the flowing waters must have been ever at hand. Oriental 
 people retain the habit of hand or finger washing after a 
 dinner. 
 
 The method is not, perliaps, adapted to our customs, yet 
 is a very sensible one. A servant, after the repast, makes 
 the round of the table (the guests are seated on low cush- 
 ions on the floor), holding a copper vessel, provided with a 
 very long but narrow spout. In the other hand he carries 
 a wide, deep copper basin. A tiny stream of water is 
 poured over the fingers of each guest into the basin, while 
 another servant follows with a towel. The first portion of 
 the performance is proper enough; but as one towel usually 
 serves for all the guests, a kind of universal sack towel, 
 delicate-minded Europeans rather dislike the custom. 
 
 It is not necessary to go further back and refer to the 
 Biblical liabits before and after partaking of food. As to 
 the more modern custom, Brillat Saravin, whose book on 
 the ^‘Physiologic du Gout” was written in the early part 
 of this century, inveighs against the finger-bowls. He 
 says: “It was about forty years ago that some ])oople in 
 
 good society — they were most always women — commenced 
 to wash out their inouths {rincer la houche) after their 
 meals.” Brillat Saravin deprecates the custom, and calls 
 it useless, indecent and disgusting, rather directing, how- 
 ever, his criticism against the mouth-rinsing than the 
 finger-dipping. 
 
36 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 A Horseshoe for Luck, with Some Lucky Incidents. 
 
 The hokseshoe, now all the rage as an ornament, and af- 
 fected by men and women alike, has long been considered 
 a token of good luck, especially by sailors. Few sailors 
 would start on a voyage in a ship on which the potency of 
 the horseshoe was not acknowledged. 
 
 It must be kept at some conspicuous place as a sign of 
 good luck. On Western steamboats, not a deck-hand could 
 be induced to engage himself on a steamer that did not 
 have a partly-worn horseshoe nailed over the companion- 
 way of the bow. Yery often they are placed near the fig- 
 ure-head, at the stem of the bow. 
 
 How long this superstition has prevailed, it would be 
 impossible to tell. It is by no means of recent origin. 
 Horseshoes and conjurers have long been allies. To find 
 a whole horseshoe in the road, that has been cast from the 
 animal and still retains five of the nails in it, is considered 
 a remarkable token of good luck. But should anyone 
 find a horseshoe with all the nails in it, he may consider 
 himself endowed with wonderful powers of magic. 
 
 This conceit, no doubt, had its origin in the fact, that it is 
 almost impossible for a horse to cast a shoe while all the 
 nails are intact. 
 
 There lived a man in Shenandoah County, Virginia, who- 
 claimed to have found such a horseshoe. His name was 
 Conrad Gerst. He was a German with little education, 
 but was considerable of a knave. He professed to be 
 able to work wonders, and was believed by many people 
 to possess certain powerful conjuring powers. Gerst was 
 a shoemaker, and very poor, for he was too lazy to work, 
 and had a large family of children. He could heal the 
 sick, recover stolen articles, cure diseased cattle, find un- 
 derground streams of running water, make the butter come 
 for the dairy women, and drive ofif witches. A woman 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 B7 
 
 churned all day over a churning of cream, but the butter 
 would not come. She sent for Gerst. He told her to get 
 an old horseshoe, heat it red hot and cast it into the 
 churn. Then, after cleansing the churn with boiling water, 
 he guaranteed that the butter would come at the next 
 effort; and more, if the woman would inquire carefully 
 among her neighbors, she would discover that some one of 
 them (an enemy) would have a severe burn on some part 
 of her body. There were plenty of people who believed 
 in this. 
 
 Another case : A widow lady, living two miles from 
 
 Gerst, had a sum of money stolen from her. Instead of 
 giving the matter into the hands of the authorities, she 
 sent for Gerst. He inquired into the affair, and after per- 
 forming a number of incantations with a stick that he car- 
 ried, and placing his horseshoe in the fire and cooling it in 
 the spring, he announced confidently, that on the morning 
 of the second day thereafter, the money would be found at 
 a certain place, with some other valuables that had been 
 lost. This conclusion of the conjurer was widely circu- 
 lated, and, on the morning indicated, quite a number of 
 people assembled at the widow’s house, to see the predic- 
 tion verified. The money was found at tlie place indi- 
 cated. The solution was, that the thief, whoever he was, 
 believed in Gerst’ s pretended ])Ower, and returned the 
 money out of fear. 
 
 The superstition that imputes such virtues to the horse- 
 shoe, gave birth to the prevailing idea that makes it an em- 
 blem of good luck. 
 
 Origin of the Water-melon. --An Old Anecdote. 
 The melon was well known to the ancients, as Pliny 
 speaks of it as a great favorite in liis day. It was thought 
 by the ancients to be a modification of, and a great iin- 
 
38 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 provement on, the cucumber. Some asserted that it was 
 easy of digestion ; others, the contrary. But all agreed 
 that it did not afford much nourishment. The cantaloupe 
 was thus named from being cultivated at Canteliipo, a 
 country house of tile Popes, a few leagues from Rome. 
 Its introduction is thought to date back to 1495, on the re- 
 turn of the expedition of Charles YIII. to Italy. 
 
 There is a little melon anecdote, as follows : The Sultan 
 
 Amurath had a passion for melons, and one day the finest one 
 in his garden, with which he was to begin his evening meal, 
 was missing. The pages alone had access to the garden ; 
 so Amurath summoned them all, and they pleaded not 
 guilty. The angry Sultan then took a decided step. He 
 ordered all the pages to lie down in a row, and commanded 
 his executioner to open the stomach of each one in turn, 
 till he arrived at the culprit, who proved to be the fifteenth 
 one, in whom the seeds of the melon were discovered. Jt 
 may be imagined that his days were summarily ended, as 
 well as those of the fourteen who had preceded him. 
 
 Shaving— Development of the Razor from a Mollusk— 
 Rise of the Barber Shop. 
 
 The idea that shaving is a duty— ceremonial, as among 
 
 the Egj^ptian priests, or social merely, as among ourselves 
 
 is older than the invention of steel or even of bronze razors 
 Nothing is more remarkable in savage life than the resolu- 
 tion of the braves who shave with a shell or with a broken 
 piece of glass, left by European mariners. A warrior will 
 throw himself on the ground, and while one friend holds 
 his arms and prevents him from struggling, another will 
 scrape his chin with the shell or the broken bottle-glass, 
 till he rises, bleeding but beardless. 
 
 Macaulay, it seems, must have shaved almost as badly 
 with the razor of modern life. When he went to a barber. 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 39 
 
 and, after an easy shave, asked what he owed, the fellow 
 replied : 
 
 ‘‘Just what you generally give the man who shaves you, 
 sir.” 
 
 “ I generally give him two cuts on each cheek,” said 
 the historian of England. 
 
 Shaving requires a combination of qualities which rarely 
 meet in one amateur. You should have plenty of razors, 
 unlike a Prussian Ambassador of the stingy Frederick. 
 This Ambassador, according to Yoltaire, cut his throat 
 witii the only razor he possessed. 
 
 The chin of that diplomatist must have been unworthy 
 alike of the court to which he was accredited, and of that 
 from which he came. The exquisite shaver who would 
 face the world with a smooth chin, requires many razors, 
 many strops, many brushes, odd soaps, a light steady 
 hand, and, perhaps, a certain gayety of temper which 
 prevents edged weapons from offering unholy temptations. 
 Perhaps the shaver is born, not made, like the poet; cer- 
 tainly many men are born with an inability to shave. 
 Hence comes the need of the kindl}^ race of barbers, a race 
 dear to literature. Their shops were the earliest Clubs, 
 their conversation was all the ancient world knew in the 
 way of society journals. Horace, George Eliot, Beaumar- 
 chais, Cervantes and Scott, have ay)preciated the barber, 
 and celebrated his characteristics. If the wearing of tlie 
 beard ever became universal, the world, and especially tlie 
 Spanish and Italian world, would sadly miss the barber 
 and the barber’s shop. The energy of the British charac- 
 ter, their zeal, their individual euter])rise, make them a 
 self-shaving race; the laitin |)eople8 are economical, but 
 they do not grudge ])aying for a?i easy shave. Americjuis 
 in this matter are more Continental than English in their 
 taste. Was it not in Marseilh's that his friends induced 
 
40 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Mark Twain to oe shaved by a barber worthy of the 
 bottle-glass or sea-shell stage of his profession? They 
 pretended that his performances were equal to those of 
 the barber on board the ship that brought them from 
 America. 
 
 The Story of a Great Discovery. 
 
 There is living at Catasauqua, Pa., in a hearty old age, 
 the man who discovered how to use anthracite coal in the 
 manufacture of iron. His name is David Thomas, and the 
 story of his discovery he thus narrates: ‘‘One winter 
 
 night in the old country, I sat with Mr. Crane, a brother 
 superintendent of a blast furnace, over a grate lire of hard 
 coal. We had talked of the recent invention of the hot 
 blast, just patented by Mr. Neilson, a Scotchman, and our 
 conversation had carried us pretty well along into the 
 evening. The fire had burned low, and we were about to 
 separate, when I picked up the bellows and began to 
 blow it. 
 
 ‘“You will put that fire out,’ said Mr. Crane. 
 
 “Ashe spoke, it Hashed over me that if my bellows gave 
 a hot blast, it would bring the grateful of coal to a bright 
 glow, and, with the thought, there came like an inspiration 
 upon me, that the hot-blast was all that was needed to 
 utilize the rich beds of anthracite under our feet for mak- 
 ing iron. I dropped the bellows and gave utterance to my 
 thoughts. 
 
 “ Mr. Crane smiled, then grew attentive, and, as I went 
 on thinking out my theory, as I spoke he became inter- 
 ested. When I concluded, we grasped hands over the 
 dead coals of our anthracite fire, and separated. 
 
 “ Little sleep we got that night. To me it was one of 
 restless anxiety. When I read an account of the night be- 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS 
 
 41 
 
 ofre the execution of a condemned man, I always think ot 
 my night with my new idea. 
 
 “ The next day I posted up to Scotland, and on my return 
 I brought with me the plans of a hot-blast furnace, which 
 we at once proceeded to build for the purpose of making 
 iron with anthracite coal. It was a great success, and at- 
 tracted capital to the development of the anthracite coal 
 beds of Wales, and the attention of the scientific world. 
 Before that, for our furnaces we had bought coke from the 
 distant bituminous coal fields, thereby increasing the cost 
 of our product over establishments more favorably situ- 
 ated. The very hills underneath our feet were filled with 
 rich deposits of anthracite, and the discovery of means to 
 utilize it was like a mine of gold to the country around. 
 Our experiment was a success. 
 
 “Of course the scientific discussion carried on in the 
 papers in that country provoked attention in America, and 
 the few scientific journals published here took up the mat- 
 ter, and thereby the iron-workers of this region came to 
 know of its great value. They were then using charcoal 
 and coke. At once they set to work on my plan. It re- 
 sulted in great losses to the capital invested and many 
 cases of financial failure and bankruptcy. 
 
 “The Lehigh Coal & Navigation Company watched 
 these experiments with ardent hope of success, for they 
 saw what a great advantage to them must result in carry- 
 ing to perfection in this country what we had perfected in 
 Wales. They waited and hoped in vain, and finally con- 
 cluded to send for Mr. Crane or me. Tlieir representa- 
 tive visited me, in the person of Erskine Hazard, of Phila- 
 delphia. I had often thought of coming to America, and 
 my wife was strongly in favor of it; so we received Mr. 
 Hazard’s proposition with favor. Terms were fixed upon • 
 at was arranged that my expenses out were to bo paid, and 
 
42 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 that if I did not wish to stay after five years, I was to be sent 
 back wdth iny family at their expense. 1 arrived here early 
 in the fall of 1839, and, Oatasauqua being selected as the 
 place to build the first furnace, I at once set to work. The 
 population, which at that time was only that of a hamlet, 
 was composed entirely of Germans, and my greatest diffi- 
 culty was to get skilled labor. I picked up an old country- 
 man here and there, and on the Fourth of July, 1840, I 
 started the first blast, and on that day made the first 
 iron. There is the furnace, sir, just below my house. It 
 was in blast ever since until within a few days. The suc- 
 cess was so complete, as shown by the work turned out 
 during the following six or eight months, that another was 
 started, which I built in 1842. I built the third in 1846, 
 and the fourth and fifth in 1849. For forty years we have 
 averaged 40,000 tons of iron a year from these furnaces, or 
 1,600,000 tons in the aggregate. Then furnaces sprang up 
 all over the anthracite region. The way to utilize the hard 
 coal in the manufacture of iron was the only thing needed 
 to completely develop the great mineral wealth of the 
 country, and, this fact being recognized, there was no lack 
 of money to take the preliminary steps.” 
 
 Origin of the Names of the Months. 
 
 The oRiGiiN' of the names of the months of the year is as 
 follows : 
 
 January is so called from Janus, a heathen god, who 
 presided over the gates of heaven. He has two faces, one 
 looking to the old year, the other toward the new, lie 
 was the first king of Italy, and Romans used to give the 
 doors in their houses the name of Janua 
 
 February is derived from F ebruo, to purify, because the 
 feasts of purification were celebrated at this season. The 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 
 Romans oifered sacrifices to their goddess Februo for the 
 spirits of departed friends. 
 
 March was original] y the first month in the Roman year, 
 and was dedicated to Mars, the god of war. 
 
 April is so called from aperio^ which signifies to open, 
 because nature now begins to expand its beauties. 
 
 May was so named by Romulus, the founder of Rome, 
 in honor of Maia, the mother of Mercury. 
 
 June was named by the Romans in honor of Mercury, 
 who was represented as a juvenile figure, to which they 
 applied the vrord Junius. 
 
 July was called by the Romans, Quintilis, being the fifth 
 month of their year, but was changed to Julius, in honor 
 of Julius Caesar. 
 
 August was called by the Romans, Sextis, or sixth 
 month from March; but in honor of Augustus Caesar, 
 second emperor, was changed to August. 
 
 September was derived from Septem, the seventh month 
 of the Roman year, and imher^ which means a shower. 
 
 October was the eighth month of the Roman year. 
 
 Noremher is derived from novem and imber., or the iiintli 
 month of the Roman year. 
 
 December is from decein., the tenth month of the Roman 
 year. 
 
 Origin of “ Hurrah.” 
 
 This familiar word is pure Slavonian, and is commonly 
 heard from the coast of Dalmatia to Behring’s Straits, 
 when any of the population within these limits are called 
 on to give proof of courage, approbation and valor. The 
 origin of the word belongs to the ])riniitive idea that every 
 man that dies heroically for his (tountry, goes straight to 
 heaven — lJurray (to Paradise), and in the shock and ardor 
 
44 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 of battle the combatants utter that cry {Hu-ray) as the 
 Turks do that of “Allah,” each animating himself, by the 
 cerlitude of immediate recompense, to forget earth and to 
 ■contemn death. 
 
 Origin of Newspapers. 
 
 The newspaper was long stated to have originated in 
 Venice, in 1563, and to have been called Gazetta^ whence 
 our name Gazette. This was, however, an error ; for the 
 Venetian newspaper was a written sheet, for hearing 
 which read, each person paid a gazetta, a small coin no 
 longer in use. The paper was, in fact, called “A particu- 
 lar Eelation,” a title borne by many English newspapers 
 of the seventeenth century. 
 
 “ Money.” 
 
 The Roman coin issued by Serrius Tullius bore the image 
 of a sheep (jpecus)^ and was thence called jpecunia^ the 
 term subsequently applied to money in general. This is 
 one story. 
 
 The first silver money was coined at Rome, A. U. C. 482 ; 
 the mint was in the Temple of Juno Mon eta, and this cir- 
 cumstance occasioned the origin of our word “money.” 
 
 Origin of “ Uncle Sam.” 
 
 Immediately after the last declaration of war with Eng- 
 land, Elbert Anderson, of New York, then a contractor, 
 visited Troy, where he purchased a large quantity of pro- 
 visions. The inspectors of these articles at that place were 
 Ebenezer and Samuel Wilson. The latter gentleman (who 
 was universally known as “ Uncle Sam ”) generally super- 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 45 
 
 intended in person a large number of workmen, who, on 
 this occasion, were employed in overhauling the provisions 
 purchased by the contractor. The casks were marked ‘‘E. 
 A. — TI. S.” This work fell to the lot of a facetious fellow, 
 who, on being asked the meaning of the mark, said he did 
 not know unless it meant Elbert Anderson and Uncle Sam, 
 alluding exclusively, then, to the said Uncle Sam Wilson. 
 The joke “took,” and soon became very current. 
 
 Visiting Cards. 
 
 Visiting cards have currency throughout the civilized 
 world ; they are a modern invention, and, like all truly 
 good things, they have a tendency to be simple. 
 
 Visiting cards originated with the Chinese, and there 
 are those who maintain that the Chinese are the politest 
 people on earth. 
 
 In China, rank is expressed by the size of the visiting 
 card. When McCartney had occasion to visit Peking as 
 the representative of the British Government, a number 
 of servants carried a big bundle into his reception-room, 
 which, when unrolled, covered nearly the whole floor of 
 the large chamber ; it was the visiting card of the Chi- 
 nese Emperor. 
 
 The people of Europe adopted visiting cards a little over 
 a hundred years ago, when the influence of Chinese fasli- 
 ions was greater than it is now. In America, the general 
 use of visiting cards is of recent origin, and many of our 
 most renowned patriots never had any ; or tliey used tlie 
 backs of playing cards, or whatever else came to hand. 
 
 During the era preceding the French revolution, all gen- 
 tlemen of education tried to bo gallants, and all ladies 
 tried to be reigning belles. In making (;alls, they had 1<> 
 inscribe their names in a book ke])t for that ])ur])ose l)y 
 
46 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 porters. This was inconvenient for many reasons. The 
 pejple dressed for a call found it inconvenient to write, 
 and the French ladies in particular, wrote more or less 
 badly. The wicked world protests to this day, that many 
 great ladies do not write very elegantly or very correctly 
 — that is to say, French ladies. A printed or engraved 
 card was an admirable substitute, and the fashion of Paris 
 soon spread over the world. 
 
 The earliest visiting cards of France were done up in the 
 rococo style, and contained full announcements, such as 
 “the visit of the Countess Wonderful,'’ or “the Marquis 
 of Emerald has the honor to wish you a happy New Year. ” 
 These early fashions were superseded by the classicists. 
 They represented a wandei’er among the ruins of Athens, 
 deciphering an inscription which represented the name of 
 the caller. The visiting cards of Louis XYI. were adorned 
 with flowers and birds. The artists excelled in adorning 
 their cards, and ladies usually saturated them with their 
 favorite perfume. Under the First Empire, all cards were 
 plain or ornamented with some allegorical allusion to 
 Greece or Rome. The restoration introduced little orna- 
 ments in pink, sepia, or many-colored edges. 'Under Louis 
 Philippe, heavy bristol-board cards of good sizes bore the 
 caller’s name in a very delicate form — to indicate the 
 modesty of the great. It was then customary to have 
 small cards with very great names, and, in the early days of 
 photography, some people had their cards embellished with 
 their portrait. 
 
 More recently, and especially in this country, all visiting 
 cards are rather plain, and they are very much alike. As 
 a rule, engraved cards are preferred, and the tendency is 
 to leave off as much as possible, exceyit the name. People 
 of standing think it below their dignity to add their rank 
 or their address, taking it for granted that these matters 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 47 
 
 are generally known or easily learned from directories. In 
 leaving cards, they avoid additional messages or signs, the 
 card itself being supposed to tell its tale, and, if left by 
 the owner in person, to confer honor enough for one day. 
 Servants are not allowed to fold cards, as a felded card is 
 supposed to come directly from the person whose name it 
 bears. There has of late been a tendency to add orna- 
 ments to cards, also titles or crowns, and gentlemen of 
 reputation like to add ‘‘Mr.,” as a mark of special modesty. 
 But the simpler a card is, the better it answers its purpose, 
 which is no other than to take the place of the person 
 itself on occasions where the reception of the owner would 
 be inconvenient on either side, or a useless ceremony. 
 
 “ Hymen.” 
 
 Danchet, the French poet, tells us that Hymen was a 
 young man of Athens, obscurely born but extremely 
 handsome. Falling in love with a lady of rank, on a 
 certain occasion, when promenading the seashore, both 
 were captured by pirates and taken to a distant island, 
 where the pirates became drunk for joy and fell asleep. 
 Under the circumstances. Hymen managed to slay the 
 sleeping robbers and escape with his lady to Athens, 
 where he told his adventures, and demanded his beloved 
 in marriage as her ransom. His request was granted ; 
 and so fortunate was the marriage, that the name of Hy- 
 men was ever after invoked on all future nuptials ; and in 
 progress of time, the Greeks enrolled him among the gods. 
 
 Derivation of “ Cash.” 
 
 Tiieke can be but little doubt that the word “cash” is 
 derived from the Italian casna^ the chest in whicli Italian 
 
48 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 merchants kept their monej", as do at the present time the 
 Spaniards in their caja^ and the Portuguese in their caxa^ 
 and the French in their caisse. Tlie application of the 
 word ‘‘cash” to money is altogether English, it not hav- 
 ing a corresponding term in any other European language. 
 It has been suggested, that entries in the cash book might 
 be improved by writing “Chest Dr.” and “Chest Cr.”, 
 for, after all, it is the “Chest” account. 
 
 Origin of Familiar Sayings. 
 
 Many of our common sayings, so trite and pithy, are 
 used without the least idea from whose mouth or pen they 
 first originated. Probably the works of Shakespeare fur- 
 nish us with more of these fiimiliar maxims than any other 
 writer, for to him we owe : “ All is not gol d that glitters, ’ ’ 
 
 “Make a virtue of necessity,” “ Screw your courage to a 
 sticking-place ” (not point), “They laugh that win,” 
 “This is the short and long of it,” “Comparisons are 
 odious,” “As merry as the day is long,” “A Daniel 
 came to judgment,” “Frailty, thy name is Woman,” 
 and hosts of others. 
 
 Washington Irving gives us “The almighty dollar.” 
 Thomas Norton queried long ago, “What will Mrs. 
 Grundy say?” while Goldsmith answers, “Ask me no- 
 questions and I’ll tell you no fibs.” Charles C. Pinckney, 
 “Millions for defense, but not one cent for tribute.” 
 “First in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his 
 fellow-citizens” (not countrymen), appeared in the resolu. 
 tions presented to the House of Representatives in Decem- 
 'ber, 1790, prepared by General Henry Lee. 
 
 From the same we cull, “Make assurance doubly sure,” 
 “Christmas comes but once a year,” “Count their chick- 
 ens ere they are hatched,” and “Look before you leap.” 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 49 
 
 Thomas Tassar, a writer of the sixteenth century, gives 
 us, “It’s an ill wind turns no good,” “Better late than 
 never,” “Look ere thou leap,” and “The stone that is 
 rolling can gather no moss.” “All cry and no wool,” is 
 found in Butler’s “Iludibras.” 
 
 Dryden says: “Hone but the brave deserve the fair,” 
 “Men are but children of a larger growth,” “Through 
 thick and thin.” 
 
 “Ho pent-up TJtica contracts our power,” declared 
 Jonathan Sewell. 
 
 “When Greeks join Greeks then was the tug of war,’’ 
 Hathaniel Lee, 1692. 
 
 “Of two evils, I have chosen the least,” and “The end 
 must justify the means,” are from Matthew Pryor. We 
 are indebted to Colley Cibber for the agreeable intelli- 
 gence that “Ki chard is himself again.” Johnson tells us 
 of “A good hater,” and Macintosh in 1791, the phrase 
 often attributed to John Randolph, “Wise and masterly 
 inactivity.” 
 
 “Variety’s the spice of life,” and “ Hot much the worse 
 for wear,” Cowper. “Man proposes, but God disposes,’’ 
 Thomas a Kempis. 
 
 Christopher Marlowe gave forth the invitation so often 
 repeated by his brothers in a less public way, “Love me 
 little, love me long.” Edward Cooke was of tlie opinion 
 that “A man’s house is his castle.” To Milton we owe 
 “The paradise of fools,” “A wilderness of sweets,” and 
 “Moping melancholy and moonstruck madness.” 
 
 Edward Young tells us “Death loves a shining mark;” 
 “A fool at forty, is a fool indeed;” but, alas, for his 
 knowledge of human nature, when lie tells us “Man wants 
 but litth?, nor wants that little long.” 
 
 From Bacon, comes “Knowledge is ])Ower,” and 
 Thomas Southferne reminds us that “ Pity’s akin to love.” 
 
60 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Dean Swift thought, that ‘‘Bread is the stafi* of life.” 
 Campbell found that “Coming events cast their shadows 
 before,” and “ ’Tis distance lends enchantment to the 
 view.” “A thing of beauty is a joy forever,” is from 
 Keats. Franklin said, “God helps them who help them- 
 selves,” and Lawrence Sterne comforts us with the 
 thought, “God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb.” 
 
 Even some of the “slang” phrases of the day have a 
 legitimate origin. “Putting your foot in it,” is certainly 
 not a very elegant mode of expression, but according to 
 the “Asiatic Researches,” it is quite a fine point of law; 
 when the title to land is disputed in Ilindostan, two holes 
 are dug in the ground, and used to incase a limb of each 
 layWer (?), and the one who tired first, lost his client’s 
 case. Fancy, if you can, some of our famous “limbs of 
 the law” pleading in such a manner! It is generally the 
 client who “puts his foot in it.” 
 
 When things are in disorder, they are often said to be 
 turned “topsy turvy”; this expression is derived from the 
 way in which turf used for fuel is placed to dry, the turf 
 being turned downward ; and the expression then means 
 topside turfway. 
 
 Plutarch, in his life of Argesileus, King of Sparta, gives 
 us the origin of a quaint and familiar expression : 
 
 On a certain occasion, an ambassador from Epirus, on a 
 diplomatic mission, was shown by the King over his capi- 
 tal. The ambassador knew of the monarch’s fame — knew 
 him that, though only nominal King of Sparta, he was yet 
 ruler of Greece — and he had looked to see massive walls 
 rearing aloft their embattled towers for the defense of the 
 town ; but he found nothing of the kind. He marveled 
 much at 'this, and spoke of it to the King. 
 
 “Sire,” he said, I have visited most of the principal 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 51 
 
 towns, and I find no walls reared for defense. Why is 
 this ? 
 
 “Indeed, Sir Ambassador,” replied Angesileus, “thou 
 canst not have looked carefully. Come with me to-morrow 
 morning and I will show you the walls of Sparta.” 
 
 Accordingly, on the following morning, the King led his 
 guest out upon the plains where his army was drawn up in 
 full battle array, and pointing proudly to the serried hosts, 
 he said: 
 
 “There, thou beholdest the walls of Sparta — ten thou- 
 sand men, and every man a brick ! 
 
 “ Pipe-Laying.” 
 
 This term originated from an accusation brought against 
 prominent members of the Whig party of Kew York, of 
 being engaged in a gigantic sciierne to bring voters thither 
 from Philadelphia, who, it was said, to better conceal the 
 plan, were designated as ‘‘pipe-layers,” the work of laying 
 down pipe for the Croton water being at that time in prog- 
 ress. 
 
 “ Yankee ” — “ Yankee Doodle.” 
 
 The word Yankee is believed to liave been derived 
 from the manner in which the Indians endeavored to pro- 
 nounce the word English, which they rendered “Yeng- 
 liees,” whence the word Yankee. In a letter of the Rev. 
 Williairi Gordon, published in tlu; Penna Gazette., May 
 10th, 1775, giving an account of the skirmishes at Concord 
 and Lexington, he says: They (the British troo])s) were 
 
 roughly handled by the Yankees, a term of reproach for 
 the Now Englanders, when applied by the regulars.” 
 

 52 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Soon after, a privateer was fitted out by the citizens of 
 Newbury, which they called the ‘‘Yankee Herd.” 
 
 In a curious book on the Round Towers of Ireland, the 
 origin of the term Yankee Doodle was traced to the 
 Persian phrase “ Yanke-dooniah,” or inhabitants of the 
 New World. Layard, in his book on “Nineveh and its 
 Remains,” also mentions “ Yanghi-dunia” as the Persian 
 name of America. 
 
 The origin of the phrase “eating crow” is based upon 
 a story told a quarter of a century since in the Knicker- 
 bocker Magazine^ and is as follows : An old farmer, who 
 
 lived somewhere on the Hudson, below Albany, was in 
 the habit of taking in a few summer boarders to eke out 
 the earnings of the farm. 
 
 Like most farmers who take summer boarders and have 
 at the same time a convenient market for their produce, 
 this thrifty successor of the Knickerbockers was accus- 
 tomed to send all the best products of his farm and gar- 
 den, and the choicest butter from his dairy, to market, 
 often returning from town with inferior articles which he 
 had purchased at a greatly reduced price, safely hidden 
 away in his wagon box, to be smuggled into the kitchen 
 and palmed off upon the confiding boarders as home-grown 
 products. Finally some of the boarders began to grumble. 
 
 They had boarded in the country before, and knew what 
 fresh vegetables and berries, new-laid eggs and “grass" 
 butter were, and they were conscious of the fact that they 
 were not getting what they were entitled to. 
 
 To all their complaints the farmer returned answer, that 
 they were entirely “too pertickeler, ” that it was foolish 
 
 Eating Crow, 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 5g 
 
 anci sinful to pamper one's appetite; that ordinary food 
 was best in the long run, and winding up invariably with 
 the remark: “I kin eat anything; I kin eat a crow.” 
 
 This last remark was re])eated so often that it made an im- 
 pression on one of the boarders, who, being out shooting 
 •one day, and having popped over a crow, determined to 
 put the gastronomic abilities of his host to the test. He 
 carried the bird home, had the cook dress it, and gave her 
 instructions to cook it for dinner. Then, fearful that the 
 hardy farmer might have stomach even for such a disli, 
 and so make good his boast, he slipped into the kitchen 
 while the bird was cooking, and seasoned it liberally with 
 Scotch snuff. In time the dish was sent to the table, and 
 the boarder placed it before the host, with the remark: 
 
 ‘‘ How, you have been steadily proclaiming your ability 
 to eat a crow. Here is one cooked to a turn. Try it.” 
 The farmer was taken somewhat aback, but had too much 
 pluck to acknowledge himself beaten without a trial. He 
 accordingly attacked the dish, with the remark : 
 
 ‘‘I kin do it.” At the second bite he repeated : ‘‘I kin 
 
 cat crow,” and, as he suddenly suspended the operation of 
 cutting the third mouthful, and began to retreat toward 
 the door, he added, ‘‘but dang me if T hanker arterit!” 
 
 How the Initials “ I. H. S.” Originated. 
 
 St. Beknakdine of Sienna, is said to liavo been the 
 Inventor of these initials, to denote the name and mission 
 of our Savior. They are to be found in a circle above 
 the principal doors of Santo Croce in Florence, and are 
 said to have been ])laced there by the Saint after the ])lague 
 of 1347, after which time, these letters were very soon com- 
 monly introduced into churches. These initial letters have 
 had assigned to them the following significations: Jesus 
 
Hominum Salvator (Jesus, the Savior of Men), or In Hoo 
 Sains (In Him is Salvation). 
 
 “ Old Fogies.” 
 
 This word is said to be derived from a peculiar body of 
 men, who, at the end of the last century, existed in Edin- 
 burgh Castle, and were called Fogies. Thej^ were old men, 
 dressed in red coats with apple-green facings and cocked 
 hats, and were a sort of invalid company, who performed 
 various trivial duties. 
 
 Coffee. 
 
 Says Mr. Cranfurd : The word “coffee” is deriv^ed 
 
 from the Arabic kahwah — Turkish Kalive. The plant is 
 a native of Abyssinia, and its true name is ^^han.,'''’ wdiile 
 kahwah^ or coffee, means “wine,” as a substitute for 
 which the decoction w'as used. From Arabia it spread to 
 Egypt and Turkey and thence to England, where it a]>- 
 peared in 1650. In sixty years’ time, in fashionable- 
 society, according to Pope, it was : 
 
 “ Coffee, which makes the politician wise, 
 
 And see through all things with his half-shut eyes.” 
 
 Origin of the Dollar Mark, $. 
 
 Spechlations concerning the origin of the dollar mark 
 ($) are many. Some say that it comes from the letters- 
 U. S., which, after the adoption 'of the Federal Constitu- 
 tion, were prefixed to the Federal currency, and whicli 
 afterwards, in the hurry of writing, were run into one 
 another, the IT. being made first and the S. over it. Otliei% 
 say it is derived from the contraction of the Spanisli w^ord 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 65 
 
 pesos^ dollars ; others fl*om the Spanish fuertes^ hard, to 
 distinguish silver from paper money. The more probable 
 explanation is, that it is a modification of the figure 8, and 
 denotes a piece of “eight reals,” or, as the dollar was fre- 
 quently called, a piece of eighth It was then designated 
 by the figures 
 
 Discoveries Made by Accident. 
 
 Valuaele discoveries have been made, and valuable in- 
 ventions suggested, by the veriest accidents. 
 
 An alchemist, while seeking to discover a mixture of 
 earth that would make the most durable crucibles, one day 
 discovered that he had made porcelain. 
 
 The power of lenses, as applied to the telescope, was 
 discovered by a watchmaker’s apprentice. While holding 
 spectacle-glasses between his thumb and finger, he was 
 startled by the suddenly-enlarged appearance of a neigh, 
 boring church-S])ire. 
 
 The art of etching upon glass was discovered by a Nur- 
 emberg glass-cutter. By accident a few drops of aqua 
 fortis fell upon his spectacles. lie noticed that the glass 
 became corroded and softened where the acid had touched 
 it. That was hint enough. He drew figures upon glass 
 with varnish, apj)lied the corroding fluid, and then cut 
 away the glass around the drawing. When the varnish 
 was removed, tlie figures appeared raised upon a dark 
 ground. 
 
 ^lezzo-tinto owed its invention to the simple accident of 
 the gun-barrel of a sentry becoming rusty with dew. 
 
 The swaying to and fro of a chandelier in a cathedral 
 suggested to (lalileo the a])j)licatiou of tlu^ ]>endulum. 
 
 The art of lithographing was j)erfect(*d through sugges- 
 tions made by accident. A ])oor musieian was (iurious to 
 
56 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 kiiow whether music could not be etched upon stone as 
 well as copper. After he had prepared liis slab, his mother 
 iisked him to make a memorandum of such clothes as she 
 proposed to send awaj to be washed. Xot having pen, 
 ink and paper convenient, he wrote the list on the stone 
 with the etching preparation, intending to copy it at leisure. 
 
 A few days later, when about to clean the stone, he 
 wondered what etfect aqua fortis would have upon it. He 
 applied the acid, and in a few minutes saw the writing 
 standing out in relief. The next step necessary was simply 
 to ink the stone and take off an impression. 
 
 The composition of which printing rollers are made was 
 discovered by a Salopian printer. Xot being able to dis- 
 cover the pelt-ball, he inked the type with a piece of soft 
 glue which had fallen out of the glue-pot. It was such an 
 excellent substitute that, after mixing molasses \vith the 
 glue, to give the mass proper consistency, the old pelt-ball 
 was entirely discarded. 
 
 The shop of a Dublin tobacconist, by the name of Lune- 
 ifoot, was destroyed by fire. While he was gazing dole- 
 fully into the smoldering ruins, he noticed that his poorer 
 neighbors were gathering the snuff from the canisters. 
 He tested the snuff for himself, and discovered that the 
 fire had largely ini])roved its pungency and aroma. It was 
 a hint worth profiting by. He secured another shop, 
 built a lot of ovens, subjected the snuff to a heating pro- 
 cess, gave the brand a j^articular name, and in a few years 
 became rich through an accident which he at first thought 
 had completely ruined him. 
 
 The process of whitening sugar was discovered in a 
 curious way. A hen that had gone through a clay puddle 
 went with her muddy feet into a sugar house. She left her 
 ti’acks on a pile of sugar. It was noticed that wherever 
 her tracks were the sugar was whitened. Experiments 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 57 
 
 ^vere instituted, and the result was that wet clay came to 
 be used in refining sugar. 
 
 The origin of blue-tinted paper came about by a mere 
 slip of the hand. The wife of William East, an English 
 paper-maker, accidentally let a blue bag fall into one of 
 the vats of pulp. The workmen were astonished when 
 they saw the peculiar color of the paper, while Mr. East 
 was highly incensed at what he considered a grave pecuni- 
 ary loss. His wife was so much frightened that she would 
 not confess her agency in the matter. After storing the 
 damaged paper for four years, Mr. East sent it to his agent 
 in London, wfith the instruction to sell it for what it Tvould 
 bring. The paper was accepted as a ‘‘ purposed novelty,” 
 and was disposed of at quite an advance over market price. 
 Mr. East was astonished at receiving an order for another 
 large invoice of the paper. He was without the secret, 
 and found himself in a dilemma. Upon mentioning it to 
 liis wife, she told him about the accident. He kept the 
 secret, and the demand for the novel tint far exceeded his 
 ability to supply it. 
 
 A Brighton stationer took a fancy for dressing his show- 
 window with piles of writing-paper, rising gradually from 
 the largest to the smallest size in use ; and to finish his 
 pyramids ofi* nicely, he cut cards to bring them to a point. 
 Taking these cards for diminutive note paper, lady custo- 
 mers were continually wanting some of ‘‘that lovely little 
 paper,” and the stationer found it advantageous to cut ])aper 
 to the desired ])attern. As there was no space for address- 
 ing the notelets after they were folded, lie, after much 
 thought, invented the envelope, which he cut by the aid of 
 metal yfiates made for the purpose. The sale increased so 
 rapidly that he was unable to produce the envelopes fast 
 enough, so he commissioned a dozen houses to make them 
 
68 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 for him, and thus set going an important branch of the 
 manufacturing stationery trade. 
 
 The Bridal Veil. 
 
 The ‘‘Bride’s Veil” originated in the Anglo-Saxon 
 custom of performing the nuptial ceremony under a square 
 piece of cloth, held at each corner by a tall man, over the 
 bridegroom and the bride, to conceal her virgin blushes ; 
 but if the bride was a widow the veil was dispensed with. 
 
 The Cap of Liberty. 
 
 After the death of Csosar, we are told, in the Life of 
 Cicero, that the conspirators marched out in a body, with a 
 cap, as the ensign of Liberty, carried before them on a 
 spear. There was a medal struck on the occasion, with the 
 same device, which is said to be still extant. The thought, 
 however, was not new; for Saturninus, in his sedition, in 
 263, when he had possessed himself of the Capitol, exalted 
 a cap also on the top of a spear, as a token of liberty to all 
 slaves who would join him; and Marius used the same 
 expedient, to incite the slaves to take arms with him 
 against Sylla. For slaves to wear the cap was a prize. 
 
 “ According to Gunter.” 
 
 This expression is undoubtedly derived from the name 
 of a celebrated English mathematician, Edward Gunter, 
 who was born in 1581. He was the author of various 
 works, and also an inventor. Among his inventions were 
 “Gunter’s Quadrant,” and “Gunter’s Scale.” This last 
 is generally called by seamen the Gunter^ and it is prob_ 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 59 
 
 ably from this more especially that the phrase is derived. 
 It is an instrument, by means of which, with the aid of the 
 compass, many questions in navigation are settled. 
 
 “ Brother Jonathan.” 
 
 The origin of this term, as applied to the United States, 
 is as follows ; 
 
 When General Washington, after being appointed Com- 
 mander of the Army of the Revolutionary War, went to 
 Massachusetts to organize it, he found a great want of 
 ammunition and other means for its defense ; and on one 
 occasion it seemed that no means could be devised for the 
 necessary safety. Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was then 
 Governor of the State of Connecticut ; the General, placing 
 the greatest reliance on his Excellency’s judgment, re- 
 marked: ‘ AVe must consult Brother Jonathan on the sub- 
 ject.” The General did so, and the Governor was success- 
 ful in supplying many of the wants of the army; and 
 thenceforth, when difficulties arose, and the army was 
 spread over the country, it became a by-phrase, ‘‘We 
 must consult Brother Jonathan and the name has now 
 become a designation for the whole country, as John Bull 
 has for England. 
 
 “Hobson’s Choice.” 
 
 Tobias Hobson was the lirst man in England who let 
 out hackney horses. When a man came for a horse, he 
 was led into the stables, where there was a great choice, 
 but lie obliged him to take the horse which stood next to 
 the stable door: so that every customer was alike well 
 served according to his chance, from whence it became a 
 
ORIGIN OF 
 
 proverb, when what ought to be your election was forced 
 upon you, to say, “Hobson’s choice.” — Spectator. 
 
 “ A Feather in His Cap.” 
 
 In the British Museum are two MSS. descriptive of 
 Hungary in 1598, in which the writer says of the inhab- 
 itants : 
 
 'Ht hath been an auncient custome amongst them, that 
 none should weare a fether but he who had killed a Turk, 
 to whome onlie yt was lawfull to shew the number of his 
 slaine enemyes by the number of fethers in his cappe.” 
 And this is said to explain the origin of “a feather in 
 his cap.” 
 
 Rise of the Cent, 
 
 The “ cent” was proposed by Robert Morris, the great 
 financier of the Revolution, and was named by Jelferson 
 two years later. It began to make its appearance from the 
 Mint in 1792. It bore then the head of Washington on 
 one side, and a chain of thirteen links on the other. This 
 head was, through French ideas, afterwards replaced with 
 the Goddess of Liberty, and the chain by an olive wreath of 
 peace. 
 
 How the Barber’s Pole Originated. 
 
 The barber- surgeon of old was known by his pole at 
 the door. This pole was by the barber-surgeon for his 
 patient to grasp in blood-letting, a fillet or bandage being 
 used for tying his arm. When the pole was not in use, 
 the tape was tied to it, and twisted around it; and thus both 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 61 
 
 were hung up as a sign. At length, instead of hanging 
 out the actual pole used in the operation, a pole was painted 
 with stripes around it, in imitation of the real pole and its 
 bandages; hence the barber’s pole. 
 
 Origin of the Days of the Week. 
 
 The names of the week days were originally given in 
 honor of the sun, moon, and planets, which were objects 
 of adoration in ancient times. 
 
 ‘‘Sunday ” was anciently dedicated to the sun, and was, 
 therefore, called the sun’s day; in the Saxon, sunnan 
 (sun), and dag (day). 
 
 “Monday” was sacred to the moon, and is, therefore, 
 called moon-day; Saxon, monandag. 
 
 “Tuesday” was mars-day in ancient times, and derives 
 its name from the Saxon, tiwesdag. 
 
 “Wednesday” is from the Saxon, woden^ (anciently 
 the highest god of the Germans and Scandinavians), and 
 dag, (day). 
 
 “Thursday” was originally consecrated to Thor.^ the 
 god of thunder (answering to Jove of the Romans), and is 
 therefore called Thor's day j Saxon, Thunresdag. 
 
 “Friday” is from the goddess of marriage 
 
 (equivalent to the Latin Juno), the wife of Odhin or 
 Wodan, and dag (day). 
 
 ‘‘Saturday,” was anciently Saturn day ; Saxon, 
 dag. 
 
 The old Roman names were as follows : 
 
 Sunday, Dies Solis (Sun’s day). 
 
 Monday, .Dies Lunm (Moon’s day). 
 
 Tuesday, Dies Martis (Mar’s day). 
 
 Wednesday, Dies Mercurii ( Mercury ’s day). 
 
62 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Thursday, Dies Jovis (Jupiter’s day). 
 Friday, Dies Yeneris (Venus’ day). 
 Saturday, Dies Saturni (Saturn’s day). 
 
 “ Its.” 
 
 “His” is the genitive of “he” (he’s); and “it,” or 
 “hit,” as it was long written, is the neuter of “he,” the 
 final “t” being the sign of the neuter. “Its” does not 
 occur in our authorized version of the Bible ; nor does it 
 occur a half-dozen times in all Shakespeare. 
 
 “ Humbug.” 
 
 Probably from the name of a Mr. Hume, who succeeded 
 to the Bogne or Boog estate in Scotland, and who was 
 known as “Hume o’ the Boog,” or “Aum o’ the Bug.” 
 He was so inclined to the marvelous, that when anyone 
 made an extraordinary statement, it soon became common 
 to style it “ a hum o’ the bug,” wdiich w^as soon shortened 
 to humbug. There are also other theories for its origin, 
 e. from a Mr. Humbug, a celebrated Irish dancing- 
 master.” 
 
 “True Blue.” 
 
 In England this partisan color was first assumed by the 
 Covenanters in opposition to the scarlet badge of Charles 
 I. , and hence it was taken by the troops of Lesle}^ and Mont- 
 rose in 1639. The expression is also supposed to have a 
 relation to the Scriptural words recorded in Humbers xv., 
 38, where the “borders of their [Israelites] garments” 
 were to have “ ribbons of blue.” 
 
FAMILIAR THINGS. 
 
 63 
 
 “ Nabob.” 
 
 This word originated from nawah^ the plural of naih^ a 
 deputy or lieutenant. Sir T. Herbert, in 1634, spells the 
 word nabobb^ and defines it ‘‘a nobleman in the language 
 of the Mogul’s kingdom.” 
 
 First Things. 
 
 Envelopes were first used in 1839. 
 
 Ansethesia was dicovered in 1844. 
 
 The first steel pen was made in 1830. 
 
 The first air pump was made in 1654. 
 
 The first lucifer matcli was made in 1829. 
 
 The first balloon ascent was made in 1783. 
 
 The first iron steamship was built in 1830. 
 
 Ships were first ‘‘copper-bottomed” in 1783. 
 
 Coaches were first used in England in 1569. 
 
 The first horse railroad was built in 1826-7. 
 
 The entire Hebrew Bible was printed in 1488. 
 
 Gold was first discovered in California in 1848. 
 
 The first steamer plied the Hudson in 1807. 
 
 The first watches were made at Huremburg in 1477. 
 Kerosene was first used for lighting purposes in 1826. 
 The first newspaper advertisement appeared in 1652. 
 The first copper cent was coined in New Haven in 1687. 
 The first telescope was probably used in England in 
 1608. 
 
 The first saw-maker’s anvil was brought to America in 
 1819. 
 
 The first use of a locomotive in this country was in 1829. 
 The first almanac was j)rinted by George Van Burbach 
 in 1460. 
 
 The first chimney was introduced into liome from Padua 
 in 1329. 
 
64 
 
 ORIGIN OF 
 
 Glass windows were first introduced into England in the 
 eighth, century. 
 
 The first steam engine on this continent was brought 
 from England in 1753. 
 
 The first complete sewing machine was patented by 
 Elias Howe, Jr., in 1816. 
 
 The first attempt to manufacture pins in this country 
 was made soon after the War of 1812. 
 
 Glass was early discovered. Glass beads were found on 
 mummies over three thousand years old. 
 
 Gas was first used as an illuminating agent in 1702. 
 Its first use in New York was in 1827. 
 
 The first glass factory in the United States of which we 
 have definite knowledge was built in 1780. 
 
 The first national bank in the United States was incor- 
 porated by Congress, December 31, 1781. 
 
 The first temperance society in this country was organ- 
 ized in Saratoga County, N. Y., in March, 1808. 
 
 The first machine for carding, roving, and spinning cot- 
 ton made in the United States was manufactured in 1786. 
 
 The first society for the exclusive purpose of circulating 
 the Bible Avas organized in 1805, under the name of ‘‘ Brit- 
 ish and Foreign Bible Society.” 
 
 The first telegraphic instrument Avas successfully op. 
 erated by S. F. B. Morse, the inventor, in 1835, though 
 its utility was not demonstrated to the Av^orld until 1814. 
 
 The first Union flag was unfurled on the 1st of January, 
 1776, over the camp at Cambridge. It had thirteen stripes 
 of white and red, and retained the English cross in one 
 corner. 
 
 The first daily newspaper appeared in 1702. The first 
 newspaper in the United States was published in Boston, 
 September 25, 1790. The first religious newspaper, the 
 Boston Record^ was published in 1815. 
 

 library 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 URBANA 
 

 ABRAHAM LINCOL^^. 
 thb lawtkb. 
 
POPULAR ANECDOTES 
 
 Anecdotes of Noted Persons. 
 
 Lincoln and the Troublesome Politician. — A Laugh- 
 able Story. 
 
 Mr. James S. Brisbin gives the following interesting and 
 amusing reminiscence of the great war President : 
 
 One day not long after Mr. Lincoln issued his Emancipa- 
 tion Proclamation, Mr. Wade came in, laughing all over 
 his face, and said : 
 
 “Well, Old Abe has just done the sharpest thing you 
 ever heard of. He has given out he has the small-pox, to 
 keep the politicians and office-seekers away from the White 
 House.” 
 
 The story ran thus : Mr. Wade went to the White 
 
 House to see Lincoln, who had been ill. He found the 
 President a little pale, but jolly as he could be. 
 
 “Sit down, Wade. I am glad to see you. Oh, I have 
 the funniest thing to tell you. It will make you laugh. I 
 never did such a thing before in my life, and never will 
 again.” Then the President laughed until the tears ran 
 down his cheeks. 
 
 “Now, Wade,” he said, “you are not to repeat this out- 
 
10 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 side, for it would give offense, and it by no manner ot 
 means comports with the dignity which is supposed to 
 hedge a President about. The doctor put me up to it to 
 rid myself of a bore. I ought not to have done it, but I 
 couldn’t help it, it was so funny. You know I have been 
 ill, and a great many people have wondered what ailed me, 
 but none of them could find out. The truth is, I was wor- 
 ried to death and talked sick pretty much by one man, the 
 most everlasting bore you ever saw, who wanted an office. 
 I knew he would come again as soon as I was able to sit up, 
 and the doctor put me up to get rid of him by saying I had 
 the small-pox. I only got out yesterday, and sure enough 
 this morning he called on me. I had determined to be po- 
 lite to him, but he staid so long the humor seized me and I 
 sent for the doctor. Giving him the wink, I held out my 
 hand, and inquired : 
 
 ‘"‘Doctor, what marks are those on my hand?” 
 
 “That’s varioloid or mild small-pox,” said the doctor. 
 
 “Well,” said I. “it’s all over me. It’s contagious, is it 
 not, doctor?” 
 
 “Yery contagious indeed,” he replied, “and you should 
 see no one. ’ ’ 
 
 “My visitor, who had been getting more and more nerv- 
 ous every moment, now could stand it no longer, and, ris- 
 ing, said: 
 
 “ ‘Well, Mr. Lincoln, I can’t stop any longer. I just 
 called to see how you were,” and then he started to hurry 
 out.’ 
 
 “Stop a minute. I want to talk to you,” said Lincoln, 
 “about that office.” 
 
 “ ‘Excuse me, Mr. President. You are not well this 
 morning and I won’t bother you,” said he, shoving toward 
 the door’. 
 
 “Never mind,” said I, “don’t be in a hurry. It’s all 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 11 
 
 right, and if you are going to get the varioloid you will get 
 it now anyhow. So you might as well sit down.” 
 
 “ ‘Thank you, sir, but I’ll call again,” he replied, fairly 
 turning livid and executing a masterly retreat from the 
 fearful contagion with which he supposed me to be afflicted’. 
 
 “Now,” said Uncle Abe, “it will be all over the city in 
 an hour that I have the small-pox, and you contradict the 
 story, but I want you to promise you won’t repeat what I 
 have just told you.” 
 
 Wade laughed until he was weak, and when he could 
 get his breath sufflciently to speak he looked at the clock, 
 as was his custom, and said : 
 
 “Now for a little business, and then I will go.” 
 
 “Don’t go,” cried Uncle Abe, and laying his head in 
 his hands on the desk in front of him he laughed until he 
 shook all over. Presently raising up his face from between 
 his hands he wiped his eyes and blew his nose until the re 
 port sounded like the blowing of a horn. After another fit- 
 of laughing he said : 
 
 “Wade, you should have seen him, and how scared he 
 was. I’ll bet that fellow never comes back here while I 
 am President.” 
 
 As might have been expected, hardly had Mr. Wade 
 quitted the White House when he heard the President had 
 the small-pox, and was very sick. Wade promptly contra- 
 dicted the story, but that night it was telegraphed all over 
 the country, and many people will yet remember the story 
 of Mr. Lincoln having the varioloid during the war. 
 Commenting on the report. Uncle Abe said to Wade : 
 “Some people said they could not take my proclamation 
 very well, but when I get the small-pox, Wade, I shall then 
 be happy to aay I have something everybody can take.” 
 
12 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 Gen. Grant’s Narrow Escape at Holly Springs. 
 
 Col. C. E. Bowman, Commissioner of Agriculture of the 
 State of Kentucky, tells this unwritten story concerning 
 Gen. Grant: 
 
 At the time of VanDorn’s raid on Holly Springs, Grant 
 had his headquarters in the house of a relation of the Colo- 
 nel’s, a Mr. Heber Craft, now living in McComb City, 
 Louisiana. 
 
 One day at the dinner table a remark was made concern- 
 ing the permanent occupancy of the town by the Federals, 
 when Mrs. Craft, in a woman’s characteristic earnestness, 
 said, “Don’t be too sure of that. Our boyc will be along 
 shortly, and then we will see about the permanent occu- 
 pancy.” 
 
 She had no knowledge of YanDorn’s intended raid, but 
 made the remark in a bantering style only. Great washer 
 surprise to hear, in less than fifteen minutes afterward, that 
 the rebels were in town and after the man on horseback. 
 In his haste to elude them and get away on the train Grant 
 left his uniform and sword at Mrs. Craft’s house. 
 
 The train was barely out of sight, having on board Grant 
 and his staff, when YanDorn rode up to Mrs. Craft’s house 
 in the hope of bagging the federal commander and the 
 whole party. He found Mrs. Grant, but not the General. 
 Mrs. Craft, who was not only a true Southern woman, but 
 a true, high-minded lady, hid the General’s sword and uni- 
 form for fear their capture, after what she said at the din- 
 ner table, would make Grant suspect she had violated the 
 rules of hospitality in attempting to betray him to Yan- 
 Dorn. 
 
 She said that Grant, on his return to Holly Springs, was 
 surprised and greatly rejoiced to find his trappings safe, but 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 13 
 
 he nor the chronicler of that raid never knew why they were 
 not captured. 
 
 Gen. Jackson and His Old Horse. 
 
 Rev. H. M. Crter, in his “Reminiccences,” tells the 
 following story of Andrew Jackson and his old horse 
 “Duke 
 
 Though Duke grew feeble and almost helpless in his lat- 
 ter day, he was not forgotten or suffered to be neglected. 
 I have, in a walk with the General, more than osce, gone 
 to the lot which contained this living wreck of martial 
 valor, and, while the old creature would reel and stagger, 
 looking wistfully at his master, the General would sigh- 
 ingly say: “Ah, poor fellow, we have seen hard times 
 
 together ; we must shortly separate ; your days of sufferdug 
 and toil are well-nigh ended.” 
 
 On one occasion, to try the General on a tender point, 
 the writer of this article suggested the idea of putting an 
 end to the sufferings of Duke, by having him shot or 
 knocked on the head. “No,” said his generous master, 
 “never, never; let him live, and, while there is anything 
 to grow upon this farm, Duke shall have a part.” 
 
 Why a King Objected to Being Bled. 
 
 A SINGULAR story is told, apropos of the stay of Prince 
 Oscar of Sweden in Paris, concerning the objection his 
 ancestor, Bernadotte, always had of being bled. Ilis 
 medical adviser, who was a disciple of Dr. Sangrado, in- 
 sisted in vain, that it was necessary for his health; the 
 King was obstinate. At last a crisis came, and when Bor- 
 nadotte heard that the doctor declined to answer for his 
 life, if he would not consent to bleeding, ho gave way. 
 But before baring his arm, he made the operator promise 
 
11 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 that he would never devulge what was to be seen on it, 
 and the doctor made a solemn vow, which he broke. A 
 Phrygian cap, with the motto, ‘ ‘ Death to Kings, ’ ’ was 
 elaborately tattooed above the elbow. The dashing soldier, 
 when he pricked this regicide maxim into his skin, never 
 dreamed that one daydie would come to be a King himself. 
 
 Ole Bull’s Debut--A Thrilling Story. 
 
 Professor Anderson gives in the preface to the “ Spell- 
 Bound Fiddler,*’ a Xorse romance, a translation from the 
 Danish of the following graphic account of the entrance 
 of the late veteran of the violin. Ole Bull, before the 
 public: 
 
 Behind the Alps is the land of miracles, the world of 
 adventure. AYe do not believe in miracles ; adventure, on 
 the contrary, is dear to us — we listen to it with willingness, 
 and such a one as only happens to genius took place in 
 Bologna in the year 1834. The poor Korseman, Ole Bull, 
 whom at that time no one knew, had wandered thus far 
 southward. In his fatherland, some persons certainly 
 thought that there was something in him ; but most people, 
 as is generally the case, predicted that Ole Bull would 
 amount to nothing. He himself felt, that he must go out 
 into the world in order to cherish the spark into a flame, or 
 else to quench it entirely. Everything seemed at flrst to 
 indicate that the latter would be the case. lie had arrived 
 at Bologna, but his money was spent, and there was no 
 place where there was any prospect of getting more — no 
 friend, not a countryman held forth a helping hand toward 
 him ; he sat alone in a poor attic in one of the small streets. 
 
 It was already the second day that he had been there and 
 he had scarcely tasted food. The water-jug and the violin 
 were the only two things that cheered the young and 
 
OF NOTED PEESONS. 
 
 15 
 
 suffering artist. He began to doubt whether he really 
 were in possession of that talent with which God had en- 
 dowed him, and in his despondency breathed into the violin 
 those tones which now seize our hearts in so wonderful a 
 manner — those tones which tell us how deeply he has suf- 
 fered and felt. The same evening a great concert was to 
 be given in the principal theater. The house was filled 
 to overflowing ; the Grand Duke of Tuscany was in the 
 royal box ; Madame Malibran and Monsieur de Beriot 
 were to lend their able assistance in the performance of 
 several pieces. The concert was to commence, but matters 
 looked inauspicious — the manager’s star was not in the 
 ascendant — Monsieur de Beriot had taken umbrage and re- 
 fused to play. 
 
 xill was trouble and confusion on the stage, when, in this 
 dilemma, the wife of Bossini, the composer, entered, and, 
 in the midst of the manager’s distress, related that on the 
 previous evening, as she passed through one of the narrow 
 streets, she had suddenly stopped on hearing the strange 
 tones of an instrument, which certainly resembled those of 
 a violin, but yet seemed to be difterent. She had asked 
 the landlord of the house who it was that lived in the attic 
 whence the sounds proceeded, and he had replied that it 
 was a young man from the north of Europe, and that the 
 instrument he played was certainly a lyre, but she felt as- 
 sured that it could not be so ; it must either be a new sort 
 of an instrument, or an artist who knew how to treat his 
 instrument in an unusual manner. At the same time she 
 said that they ought to send for him, and he might, ])erhaps, 
 supply the place of Monsieur de Beriot by playing the 
 pieces that must otherwise be wanting in the evening’s 
 entertainment. This advice was acted upon, and a messen- 
 ger was dispatched to the street where Ole Bull sat in his 
 attic. To him it was a message from Iloaveu. Now or 
 
16 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 never, thought he, and, though ill and exhausted, he took 
 his violin under his arm and accompanied the messenger to 
 the theater. Two minutes after his arrival, the manager 
 informed the assembled audience, that a young Norwegian, 
 consequently a “young savage,” would give a specimen of 
 skill on the violin, instead of Monsieur de Beriot. 
 
 Ole Bull appeared: the theater was brilliantly illumi- 
 nated. He perceived the scrutinizing looks of ladies nearest 
 to him ; one of them, who watched him very closely 
 through her opera-glass, smilingly whispered to her neigh- 
 bor, with a mocking mien, about the diffident manners of 
 the artist. lie looked at his clothes, and in the strong 
 blaze of light they appeared rather the worse for wear. 
 The lady made her remarks about them, and her smile 
 pierced his very heart. He had taken no notes with him 
 which he could give to the orchestra. He was, conse- 
 quently, obliged to play without accompaniment; but what 
 should he play? I will give them the fantasias which at 
 this moment cross my mind ! And he played Improvisory 
 remembrances of his own life — melodies from his soul; 
 it was as if every thought, every feeling, passed through 
 the violin and revealed itself to the audience. The most 
 astounding acclamations resounded through the house. 
 Ole Bull was called forth again and again. They still 
 desired a new improvisation. 
 
 He then addressed himself to that lady whose mocking 
 smile had met him on his appearance, and asked for a 
 theme to vary. She gave him one from “Xorma.” He 
 then asked two other ladies, who chose one from “Othello” 
 and one from “Moses.” How, thought he, if I take all 
 three, unite them with each other, and form one piece, I 
 shall then flatter each of the ladies, and perhaps the com- 
 position will produce an effect. He did so. Powerfully 
 as the rod ot the magician the bow glided across the 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 17 
 
 strings, while cold drops of perspiration trickled down his 
 forehead. There was fever in his blood ; it was as if the 
 mind would free itself from the body ; fire shot from his 
 eyes; he felt himself almost swooning; yet a few bold 
 strokes — they were his last bodily powers. 
 
 Flowers and wreaths from the charmed multitude fiut- 
 tered about him, who, exhausted by mental confiict and 
 hunger, was nearly fainting. He went to his home accom- 
 panied by music. Before the house sounded the serenade 
 for the hero of the evening, who meanwhile crept up the 
 dark and narrow staircase, higher and higher, into his 
 poor garret, where he clutched the water-jug to refresh 
 himself. When all was silent, the landlord came to him, 
 brought him food and drink, and gave him a better room. 
 The next day he was informed that the theater was at his 
 service, and that a concert was to be arranged for him. 
 An invitation from the Duke of Tuscany next followed, 
 and from that moment name and fame were founded for 
 Ole Bull. 
 
 Stuart’s Artistic Treatment of the Eyes. 
 
 The late Henry Shaw, the father of Josh Billings,” of 
 Lanesboro, when a young lawyer in Hew York City, was 
 very intimate with Gilbert Stuart, and used to pass much 
 time with him. Those who were acquainted with Mr. 
 Shaw can easily imagine how a gentleman with the paint- 
 er’s gifts would become attached to Mr. Shaw, who was a 
 man of rare genius and one of the most accomplished and 
 fascinating conversationalists that this or any other country 
 ever produced. Stuart painted the portrait of a lady in 
 Hew York, who was fussy, critical, overexacting, and nice 
 to a degree that tried in the extreme his rather excitable 
 temperament. The portrait was changed again and again, 
 
18 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 the shade of the hair, the color of the eyes, the expression 
 of the mouth, the pose of the head, the arrangement of 
 the drapery, etc., were repeatedly altered at the suggestion 
 of the lady. 
 
 One day madam came in with several friends to see the 
 portrait, and, as usual, she began to criticise, and said : 
 “ I do not think, Mr. Stuart, you have given my eyes the 
 right expression.” The patience of the artist was ex- 
 hausted — he could stand no more. Walking up to the por- 
 trait, and drawing back his fist, he thrust it through the 
 canvas, and exclaimed in blunt but vigorous Anglo-Saxon : 
 “Madam, darn your eyes!” Throwing the canvas aside, 
 the portrait was finished. He had given it the last touch. 
 
 Agassiz and the Snake. 
 
 Of Prof. Agassiz, Miss A. C. Brackett, recalling a day 
 in the Farmingham school, says: When one of the pupils 
 
 one day produced a little field-snake from her desk, amid 
 the confusion that ensued in the group around, Agassiz 
 walked quickly up to us, instantly detached the little, 
 brown, terrified thing, and took it at once gently into his 
 hand, calling it by its own name, and thereby, as it were, 
 giving it a welcoming right into the one great family to 
 live and enjoy itself. As Mr. Whipple says, the dumb 
 creation recognize their friend, for even the little snake 
 curled itself at once contentedly round his strong right hand. 
 
 The Czar Nicholas and the Artisan. 
 
 Of the Emperor Nicholas, who died about a quarter 
 of a century ago, a characteristic anecdote is told in the 
 diaries of the Privy Councilor Boguslovskie, recently 
 published in St. Petersburg. As he was walking one day, 
 he heard a German artizan declare, that he would not quit 
 
19 
 
 
 OF NOTED PEKSONS. 
 
 the spot until he had seen the Emperor. The latter went 
 toward him, and demanded who he was and what he wished. 
 The German, who did not know the Czar, answered that 
 he was an artisan from Hamburg, and desired to submit a 
 paper describing a new and cheap method of making shoe- 
 soles for the army. 
 
 “Why do you apply direct to the Emperor?” inquired 
 the Czar; “why have you not first addressed yourself to 
 some one about him?” 
 
 “I wished to do so, and called on the Chief of Police 
 for that purpose,” returned the man, “but his clerk asked 
 me to pay 300 roubles, which is impossible, as I have no 
 money.” 
 
 “Well, my fine fellow,” said the Czar, “if you will 
 transact your business with the Emperor in person, speak 
 up, for I am he. ’ ’ 
 
 At this unexpected revelation, the honest Hamburger 
 was so terrified that, trembling from head to foot, he fell 
 on his knees. In doing so, his hat dropped from his hand. 
 The Emperor’s dog, his almost constant companion, seizing 
 the hat, began playing with it. The Emperor contem. 
 plated the scene with characteristic pride, hugely relishing 
 the fright of the poor artizan. At last he pulled the hat 
 from between the dog’s teeth, and handing it, smiling, to 
 the still kneeling Hamburger, said : 
 
 “ Do not be alarmed, my friend ; give me your paper, I 
 will have it examined. Meanwhile, come to the Palace, 
 where you shall have a pecuniary indemnity for the fright 
 you have suffered.” 
 
 The Hamburger himself went mad from fright, but his 
 family received a regular pension. 
 
20 
 
 JLNTCDOTBg 
 
 Anecdote of an English Admiral. 
 
 When Sir James Anderson, of the Great Eastern, first 
 went to sea, his mother made him promise to say his 
 prayers on shipboard, no matter what opposition or ridicule 
 he might meet with. One sailor boxed the boys ears and 
 affected to regard him as a hypocrite, whereupon another 
 one of the saddest scapegraces on board, championed the 
 boy, invited the bully on deck and gave him a tremendous 
 thrashing, adding a grim warning that he would serve any 
 one else in the same way who presumed to prevent the boy 
 from saying his prayers. Next night the gentle-hearted 
 boy, to avoid strife, undertook to say his prayers in his 
 hammock, whereon his protector lugged him out by the 
 back of the neck and gave him plainly to understand that 
 he was not to shirk his duty ; that when his companion did 
 the fighting, his protege would have to do the praying, and 
 he kept him daily to the task. 
 
 The Cabin Boy and the Admiral. 
 
 During a terrible naval battle between the English and 
 the Dutch, the English flagship, commanded by Admiral 
 Narborough, was drawn into the thickest of the fight. 
 Two masts were soon shot away, and the main-mast fell 
 with a fearful crasli upon the deck. Admiral Narborough 
 saw that all was lost unless he could bring up his ships 
 from the right. Hastily scrawling an order, he called for 
 volunteers to swim across the boiling water under the hail 
 of shot and shell. A dozen sailors at once offered their 
 services, and among them a cabin boy. 
 
 ‘‘Why,” said the Admiral, “what can you do, my fear- 
 less lad? ” 
 
 “ I can swim, sir,” the boy replied; “ If I be shot, I can 
 be easier «r>ared than anyone else.” 
 
OF NOTED PEKSONS. 
 
 2i 
 
 Narborougli hesitated. His men were few, and his posL 
 tion was desperate. The boy plunged into the sea amid 
 the cheers of the sailors, and was soon lost to sight. The 
 • battle raged fiercer, and as the time went on, defeat seemed 
 inevitable. But just as hope was fading, a thundering can- 
 nonade was heard from the right, and the reserve were 
 seen bearing down upon the enemy. By sunset the 
 Dutch fieet were scattered far and wide, and the cabin boy, 
 the hero of the hour, was called in to receive the honor due 
 him. His modesty and bearing so won the heart of the 
 old Admiral, that he exclaimed : 
 
 ‘‘I shall live to see you have a fiagship of your own!” 
 The prediction was fulfilled when the cabin boy, having 
 become Admiral Cloudsley Shovel, was knighted by the 
 King. 
 
 Collosal Fortunes. 
 
 A California paper says : During the magnificent reign 
 
 of Louis XI Y. there was more extreme poverty in France 
 than there is now in all Europe — Ireland included. The 
 condition of the emancipated Hussian serf is far better than 
 that of the French or German peasant two centuries ago; 
 and within the historical era there is no record of a time 
 when fifty millions of the common people and poor were so 
 comfortably situated as the fifty millions who now inhabit 
 the United States. 
 
 But if the condition of the poor has improved, the pri- 
 vate fortunes of the rich have so increased as to utterly 
 confound all attempts at comparison with the rich men of 
 past ages. ‘‘As rich as Croesus” has stood for an adage 
 these twenty-three centuries. Yet Crcesus was a King who 
 devoted his whole energies to the accpiisition of gold ; and 
 there is good reason to believe, that we have not less than 
 
22 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 half a dozen men and women in this State, who are richer 
 in gold and its equivalents, than this Lydian monarch. 
 The richest man in Rome at the time of Csesar, was Cras- 
 sus. His fortune has been carefully estimated by several 
 historians, but never above $8,500,000 of our money. 
 This is not much more than William II. Yanderbilt’s 
 yearly income, and it is more than $1,000,000 below the 
 appraisement of thefortuneof the late WilliamS. O’Brien, of 
 San Francisco. The Astor estate was valued ten years ago at 
 $10,000,000. At a moderate rate of accretion — say 5 per 
 cent — it must now amount to $60,000,000. The yearly 
 income at the same rate is $3,000,000. This is a third 
 more than the entire income of the monarch of the British 
 Empire, and a good deal more than the entire revenues o^ 
 the English Government 250 years ago. It is asserted, 
 that there are eight or ten English Peers whose incomes 
 each exceed the allowances of Parliament to the Queen, 
 and yet the richest men in England are commoners. Half 
 a century ago, the reputed wealthiest man in America was 
 old Stephen Girard, of Philadelphia. Ilis estate was ap- 
 praised below $15,000,000. There are probably now a 
 hundred private fortunes in the United States, each greater 
 than Girard’s, and half a dozen more than twice as great. 
 In the purchasing power of money the ancients had the ad- 
 vantage. A dollar would buy more a thousand years ago 
 than five will now. Forty years back, a man who had 
 $100,000 was rated as quite rich, and one of $500,000 phe- 
 nomenal. The latter class were not as numerous in this 
 country as those of $500,000 are now. 
 
 Of course, there is not gold and silver enough in the 
 world to represent the aggregate of these little private for. 
 tunes, nor a tithe of them. They are invested in lands, 
 houses, government, railway, bank, mining, and other 
 stocks. The national bonds of England, France and the 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 23 
 
 United States, cover nearly ten thousand millions, and the 
 railway securities of the United States alone cover nearly 
 five thousand millions. The largest private landed estates 
 are held in Spanish America, Mexico, Russia, England and 
 the United States, hut the largest of all in the latter 
 country, and by corporations. It is thought — and justly — 
 a great hardship to the common people of England and Scot- 
 land, that the Duke of Sutherland should own over 1,200,“ 
 000 acres, and many other prominent nobles more than 
 100,000 each. But there is one corporation in this country 
 that has been granted 49,000,000 acres, and then 48,000,- 
 000; and two others, represented by less than ten men, 
 25,000,000 acres. At the time that Henry YIII. confis- 
 cated the estates of the Roman Catholic Church in his 
 dominions, they did not amount to a tenth as many acres 
 as the grant of Congress to the ISTorthern Pacific Railroad; 
 but they were enough to lay the foundations of the richest 
 nobility in the world, and their revenues to-day can hardly 
 be less than $120,000,000. Reasoning from history and 
 analogy, the most stupendous private fortunes in the 
 United States during the next fifty years will be realized 
 from the enormous land grants, now hardly worth $2.50 an 
 acre, but hereafter as surely to be worth from $50 to $100 
 as a dollar is worth 100 cents. A corporation whose land 
 grant covers, say 20,000,000 acres, and whose stock is to 
 the extent of 90 per cent in the hands of, say ten persons, 
 if it can hold on to its lands for twenty or thirty years free 
 from taxes, will have a property in land worth anywhere 
 from $400,000,000 to $2,000,000,000, or $30,000,000 to 
 $360,000,000 for each of its principal stockholders. These 
 figures, though tliey at first thouglit seem to run into tlio 
 region of fable, are not much more astounding than the 
 .exploits of tho Yanderbilts, Astors, and Packards already 
 realized. The great landed estates of England are pro- 
 
24 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 tected by laws of entail and primogeniture, forbidden in 
 the United States. 
 
 Huxley to the Boys. 
 
 In his address before the students of University College, 
 London, among other good things Professor Huxley said : 
 
 Upon whatever career you may enter, intellectual quick- 
 ness, industry and the power of bearing fatigue, are three 
 great advantages. But I want to impress upon you, and 
 through you upon those who will direct your future course, 
 the conviction which I entertain, that, as a general rule, the 
 relative importance of these three qualifications is not 
 rightly estimated, and that there are other qualities of no 
 less value which are not directly tested by school competi- 
 tion. A somewhat varied experience of men, has led me, 
 the longer I live, to set the less value upon mere clever- 
 ness ; to attach more and more importance to industry and 
 to physical endurance. Indeed, I am much disposed to 
 think, that endurance is the most valuable quality of all; 
 for industry, as the desire to work hard, does not come to 
 much if a feeble frame is unable to respond to the desire. 
 Everybody wdio has had to make liis way in the world, 
 must know that, while the occasion for intellectual effort of 
 a high order is rare, it constantly happens that a man’s 
 future turns upon his being able to stand a sudden and 
 heavy strain upon his powers of endurance. 
 
 To a lawj^er, physician or a merchant, it may be every- 
 thing to be able to work sixteen hours a day for as long as 
 is needful, without knocking up. Moreover, the patience, 
 tenacity and good liumor which are among the most im- 
 portant qualifications for dealing with men, are incompati- 
 ble with an irritable brain, a weak stomach or a defective 
 circulation. If any one of you prize-winners were a son of 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 25 
 
 mine (as might have been the case, I am glad to think, on 
 former occasions), and a good fairy were to offer to equip 
 him according to my wishes for the battle of practical life, 
 I should say: I do not care to trouble you for any more 
 
 cleverness; put in as much industry as you can instead; 
 and oh ! if you please, a broad, deep chest and a stomach 
 of whose existence he shall never know anything.” I 
 should be well content with the prospects of a fellow so 
 endowed 
 
 The Last Words of Distinguished Persons. 
 
 Queen Elizajbeth, at the end of a most prosperous 
 reign, begun amid dangers and many difficulties, that were 
 overcome by bold measures and prudent councils, died 
 exclaiming: ‘‘All my possessions for a moment of time ! ” 
 
 George IV. met death with almost a jest U]Don his lips. 
 Turning to Sir Waltren Waller, on whose arm he leaned, 
 he said: “Whatty, what is this? It is death, by boy, 
 
 and they have deceived us.” The Danish sovereign, Fred- 
 erick V., greatly beloved by his subjects, cried : “There 
 
 is not a drop of blood on my hands,” as he passed away. 
 Henry VIII., who had altered the whole course of monas- 
 tic life, in England, exclaims*. ‘ ‘ Monks ! Monks ! Monks ! ’ ’ 
 Edward VI., the wan boy-king, with his fast-fading eyes, 
 commended his soul to God: “Lord, take my spirit;” 
 
 and Cromwell, as he listened to the discourse of tliose 
 about him, said: “Then I am safe,” and was silent 
 
 forever. 
 
 The last word of Charles I. on the scaffold, to Arch- 
 bishop Juxon, was, “Kemember,” referring to liis desire 
 that his son Cliarles should forgive liis father’s murderers. 
 Ann Boleyn, in tlie same terrible situation, clasped her fair 
 neck, saying, “ It is small, very small ; ” and Sir Thomas 
 
26 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 More, as he yielded himself to the executioner, said, with 
 sorry wit, ‘‘For my coming down, let me shift for myself.” 
 Joan of Arc, at the stalce, ended her eventful, stormy life 
 with our Savior’s name upon her lips, as brave as Gen- 
 eral Wolfe, who, dying in the midst of victory on the 
 battlefield, and hearing of the enemy’s retreat, cried, 
 “What, do they run already? Then I die happy;” or 
 Sir Philip Sidney, after he had relinquished the draught 
 of water to a humbler comrade, though parched with 
 thirst, turned him round to die, saying, “Let be behold 
 the end of this world with all its vanities.” 
 
 Mirabeau desired to die while delicious strains of music 
 floated on the air, but his last utterance was a demand for 
 laudanum to drown pain and consciousness. Mozart’s last 
 words were : “Let me hear once more those notes, so long 
 
 my solace and delight;” but Ilaydn, forgetful of his art, 
 cried: “God preserve my Emperor.” Alfieri’s sympa- 
 
 thetic nature displayed itself in the words ‘ ‘ Clasp my hand, 
 dear friend, I die;” Goethe cries “Light, more light;” 
 Tasso, “Ai tuosmanus^ Domine\'''* Byron, “Come, come, 
 no weakness: let’s be a man to the last; I must sleep 
 now.” And those who saw his embalmed body in 1824, 
 when brought to England from Missolonghi in the Florida 
 and removed to Sir Edward Knatchbull’s house in Great 
 George street, where the cofiin was opened, describe the 
 face as of marble whiteness, the expression that of stern 
 quietude, lying wrapped in his blue cloth cloak, the throat 
 and head uncovered, crisp, curling locks slightly streaked 
 with gray, clustering over the temples ; the profile of ex- 
 ceeding beauty. Boileau congratulated himself, as he 
 closed his eyes upon this world, upon the purity of his 
 works, saying : “ It is a great consolation to a poet about 
 to die, that he has never written anything injurious to 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 27 
 
 virtue;’’ and Sir Walter Scott, little thinking his end so 
 near, said : “I feel as if I were myself again.” 
 
 Dr. Johnson, the rough, kind heart, who loved a good 
 hater, died as he said to Miss Morris, ‘‘ God bless you, my 
 dear.” Washington, dying at Mount Yernon, cried, “It 
 is well.” Franklin’s last words were: “A dying man 
 
 can do nothing easily.” Mme. de Stael, whose sorest trial 
 was her enforced absence from her native land, died saying: 
 “I have loved my God, my father, and my liberty.” 
 Hannah More’s last words were “ Patty — joy Grotius, 
 “Be serious;” Haller, “The artery ceases to beat;” 
 Adams, “Independence forever;” Jefferson, “I resign 
 my soul to God, my daughter to my country ;” Locke, to 
 Lady Masham, who was reading the Psalms, ‘ ‘ Cease now ; ’ ’ 
 and poor Lamb, after the most self-sacrificing existence, 
 wrote his last words to a friend, “My bedfellows are cramp 
 and cough ; we three sleep in a bed.” 
 
 Bishop Broughton’s last words are “Let tlie earth be 
 filled with His glory;” Archbishop Sharp, “I shall be 
 happy;” Bishop Ken, “God’s will be done;” Farrar, 
 Cranmer, Hooper, and George Herbert, “Lord, receive 
 my spirit,” and these are but a few of many such utter- 
 ances. The Prince Consort confirmed the impression that 
 prevails, that the dying have sometimes a foretaste of 
 coming happiness. “I have such sweet thoughts” were 
 the last words of a most noble life. 
 
 Napoleon I. and Talma. 
 
 Under the Consulate, Talma used to go once a week to 
 the Tuileries, to be present at tlio breakfast of Bona})arte. 
 Ho thought it proper to discontinue his visits when tho 
 First Consul became Emperor. Tlio latter did not fail to 
 perceive his absence, and spoke of it to Begnault do Saint- 
 
28 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 Jean-d’Angely. “I no longer see Talma,” he said to 
 him. “Is he, too, sulking? Does he mean to play 
 Brutus? It is one of his best parts on the stage, it is 
 true.” These words were repeated to Talma, who knew 
 that the desire of Xapoleon was equivalent to an order. 
 Accordingly, one morning he went to the Tuileries, irre- 
 proachably clad in the new court costume : brown cloth 
 coat lined with white satin, black silk breeches, shoes with 
 small gold buckle, a hat and feather, and a sword with a 
 finely-chiseled steel hilt. Just as they were sitting down 
 to the table, Napoleon openly showed his satisfaction at 
 seeing Talma; and, when breakfast was over, he made a 
 sign to him to follow him into his cabinet. “I recognize 
 your habitual tact,” said Napoleon, “and I am obliged to 
 you. You have understood that it was your duty to pre- 
 sent yourself before the Emperor. Be assured that you 
 will always find in me the man of the past. I shall have 
 even greater pleasure in returning to those chats in which 
 you spoke to me of my destinies. You were the first. 
 Talma, I remember, to discover my star. I did not know 
 you were such a good astronomer. ’ ’ 
 
 Another time Napoleon said laughingly to Talma, who 
 henceforth did not discontinue his visits : “Do you know 
 
 what I have just been told ? People say that you are giv- 
 ing me lessons in deportment ; yes, that you are teaching 
 me my trade of Emperor.” “I, sire?” said Talma, 
 disconcerted. “I confess that I could not have a better 
 professor.” “Sire, you are joking.” “No,” replied 
 Napoleon; “but let us talk of something else. Yester- 
 day you played ‘ La Mort de Pompee. ’ I was in my 
 box.” “And I redoubled my elforts to satisfy your 
 Majesty.” “"Well, you ' only half-succeeded, my dear 
 Talma!” “What, sire?” “Yes, since you pass for 
 giving me lessons in Poyalty, I want in return to give you 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 29 
 
 a lesson in tragedy. You fatigue your arms too much. 
 The leaders of Empires are less prodigal of their move- 
 ments ; they know that a gesture, a glance, is an order ; 
 thenceforward, they spare both gestures and glances. 
 There is also a verse, the sense of which has escaped 
 you.” Talma became all attention. ‘‘ It is this one : 
 
 ‘Pour moi qui tiens le trone egal a I'infamie.’ 
 
 Cmar there does not say all that he thinks. The great 
 battles that he fought did not give him the sovereign 
 power to make him despise it. But he needs to flatter the 
 old idea of Republican Rome, and not to wound the feel- 
 ings of the soldiers who are listening to him. Do not 
 make Cmar talk like Brutus. 'VYhen Brutus says that he 
 has a horror of Kings, he is sincere ; but the other is not. 
 Mark this difierence.” Talma’s reply is not recorded. 
 But it is intelligible, that Voltaire’s verse was a hard 
 morsel for the Emperor. 
 
 A Chat with Gustav Dore. 
 
 A Paris correspondent of the Philadelphia Telegraph 
 gives the following interesting interview with the cele- 
 brated Gustav Dore : lie was eleven years old, he told 
 
 me, when he made his first drawing for publication, but 
 his first actual work, a set of caricatures of the ‘‘ Labors of 
 Hercules,” was produced wlien he was thirteen. At the 
 age of fifteen he was a regular contributor to a host of 
 cheap illustrated publications “in France, Germany, Rus- 
 sia, Poland, and I know not where else beside,” he added, 
 laughingly. Two years later he issued his “Wandering 
 Jew,” probably the most remarkable series of illustrations 
 ever conceived and executed by a boy of seventeen. In 
 those early days lie used to make sometimes as many as 
 direo or four drawings a day, for each of which ho charged 
 
30 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 5 francs. It was the period of cheap novels, issued in 
 numbers, in newspaper form, at 10 and 12 cents the num- 
 ber, and his facile pencil was called into play to illustrate 
 the works of writers long ago forgotten, such as Alphonse 
 Brot, the bibliophile Jacob, etc. Sometimes he was not 
 paid for his work — often it was not even signed. Then 
 again he would execute a series of drawings for some pub- 
 lication that would perish before reaching half a dozen 
 numbers, and so his work would be lost. I told him of an 
 American admirer who once tried to form a collection of 
 these earlier efforts of his genius. He laughed at the idea, 
 and said that to form anything like a complete one would 
 be impossible, as he did not possess one himself, nor would 
 it be possible to find many of the light, ephemeral publica- 
 tions in which they had appeared. “Moreover,” he said, 
 
 ‘ ‘ there are too many of them. In the first eleven years 
 of my artistic career, I must have produced, not hundreds, 
 but thousands of illustrations.” 
 
 He then spoke of one of his earliest works, a “Comic 
 History of Bussia, ” namely, a series of caricatures published 
 during the Crimean war, and afterward prohibited by the 
 Government. This work has become extremely rare, so 
 much so that Dore only possesses one copy of it himself, 
 and that is in a very bad condition. ‘ ‘ I wish, ’ ’ said I, “ M. 
 Dore, that you would make an exhibition of your collected 
 works.” “Madam,” he replied, laughing, “they would 
 reach from here to Yincennes if they were set side by side ; 
 I would have' to engage the Palais de 1’ Industrie to hold 
 my exhibition in. ” He then told me that he had, in his 
 possession, whole boxes full of unpublished illustrations 
 and completed drawings that have never yet been shown 
 to the public. 
 
 Some joking remark was made respecting tke great 
 artist’s persistent celibacy. “Ah,” he replied, “I have 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 31 
 
 been too lazy to marry, and now I am too old — I am forty. 
 Besides, I have been so bappy in my family relations that 
 I have had no inclination for matrimony.” He alluded, I 
 believe, to his mother, who is still living and to whom he 
 has always been tenderly, devoted. From something that 
 he let fall, I was led to imagine that he has a vague idea of 
 visiting the United States at no very distant date, and that 
 a series of illustrations of American life would be the 
 result of his journey did he ever undertake it. Niagara 
 and the wonderful scenery of the Yellowstone would afford 
 congenial subjects for his pencil. 
 
 Thurlow Weed’s Stories of Horace Greeley. 
 
 Thurlow Weed narrates the following concerning him- 
 self and Horace Greeley : — “We were the best of friends 
 for fourteen or fifteen years. How well I remember when 
 I first met him. I should think it was in 1839, perhaps. 
 He had been printing the New Yorker for a year or two, 
 and I had read it with great interest. It was bright, 
 aggressive, and able, and a strong tariff paper. We in 
 Albany wanted a campaign paper, and I came down to see 
 if I couldn’t get this New Yorker man to run it. I found 
 the office, and went in and inquired for the editor, of a tall, 
 verdant-looking fellow who was setting type at a case. ‘ I 
 am the editor,’ he said. I was a little surprised, but I in- 
 troduced myself, and told him I wanted to speak with him 
 about State politics. He wore no coat, and his shirt-sleeves 
 were rolled up ; and I well remember how he leaned one 
 elbow on the case, half-turned around and said, ‘All right 
 — go ahead.’ I told him I would like to see him alone; 
 when he laid down his composing-stick, and we went 
 around and sat on some boxes while I revealed my ])lan. 
 The upshot of it was, that we hired liini to go to Albany 
 
32 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 two days in every week, to edit the new Jeffersonian as a 
 campaign paper, while he continued to run his New Yorker. 
 
 He was one of the most faithful, honest, industrious 
 men I ever met in my life. We became very much at- 
 tached to each other. He always stayed at my house when he 
 came to Albany, every week through all that year or more. 
 I respected and esteemed him so highly that my regard 
 grew into a real affection for him. We continued warm 
 and confidential friends for many years.” 
 
 “He possessed political ambition, and it ruined him. 
 Hone of his friends suspected him of it at that time. He 
 concealed it wonderfully, or else it had not then developed. 
 I was drawn so strongly to him because I thought he was 
 like myself, only a great deal better. I never had any am- 
 bition to hold office. I had an ambition to be infiuential, 
 and to help the State to improve the quality of its public 
 servants, but not to hold office myself. 
 
 “ Greeley was a powerful man — one of the most talented 
 men this country ever produced ; he was, also, one of the 
 purest. His extraordinary ability, purity, and industry 
 made him invincible against every foe but ambition. We 
 had often talked of office-holding, and warned each other 
 against it. But, just before the State Convention of 1853, 
 he came to Albany and said to me: ‘Weed, I’d like to 
 
 be Governor. ’ I told him I was sorry, for I doubted if he 
 could be nominated. He said, ‘ You don’t think the Whig 
 party can afford to ignore the temperance question this 
 year, do you?’ I said no, — I thought we should have to 
 nominate some temperance man. 
 
 “ ‘ Then why not me V he asked. ‘Because you will be 
 thought too ultra,’ I answered. ‘You have beaten the 
 bush, and Myron Clark will catch the hare.’ He looked 
 disappointed, but he thought he could be nominated. 
 
 “In a few days, when it was pretty certain that Clark 
 
OF NOTED PEKSONS. 
 
 33 
 
 would get the place, he came again and said: ‘Weed, 
 
 I’d like to be Lieutenant-Governor.’ I told him that I 
 didn’t believe he could get that, either. It would be 
 overloading the ticket, — too much temperance. Besides, 
 
 I told him that Raymond would get the place. That was* 
 the last feather that broke the camel’s back. It was a ter- 
 rible blow to him. To be beaten by Raymond, whom he 
 had nourished and warmed into life, and taught the busi- 
 ness of newspaper-making, — ^he couldn’t stand that. He 
 was greatly grieved. And he laid it to me, — wrong- 
 fully. He hardly ever spoke to me after that. We 
 were strangers for years. Then, when I was sick in 
 ’59, Greeley came to see me, and we resumed somewhat 
 our former relations. In his last sickness I called to see 
 him, but I was some time in finding him, and, when I at 
 last ascertained where he was, they refused me admission. 
 I was sorry. I wanted to see him once more very much. 
 He was one of the purest, most generous, and kindest 
 men I had ever met.” 
 
 An Anecdote of Gladstone. 
 
 The man is more interesting, says a writer, than any of 
 the parts he has been called to play, but we come to under- 
 stand the man better by seeing how he shapes and molds 
 these parts. As an orator, his conspicuous merits, besides 
 his striking countenance, dignified action, and a voice full, 
 rich, and admirably modulated, are fertility and readiness. 
 He seems to have always at command an inexhaustible 
 store of ideas, reasons, illustrations, whatever bo the 
 subject which he is required to deal with. Of all great 
 English speakers, probably no one, not even William Pitt, 
 has been so independent of preparation. Even Fox, swift 
 and rushing as he was, was great only in reply, when his 
 
34 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 feelings were heated by the atmosphere of battle, whereas 
 Mr. Gladstone is just as animated and forcible in an open- 
 ing, or in a purely ornamental and uncontentious harangue, 
 as in the midst of parliamentary strife. 
 
 Of the many anecdotes that are current, illustrating his 
 amazing power of rising to an occasion, one may be given 
 which has the merit of being true: On the afternoon 
 
 when he was to make an important motion in the House of 
 Commons, a friend, happening to call on him between 
 two and three o’clock, found him just sitting down to make 
 some notes of the coming speech. He laid aside his pen 
 and talked for a while, then jotted down a few heads on 
 paper, went down to the House before four o’clock, found 
 himself drawn into a preliminary controversy of a very 
 trying nature, in which he had to repel so many questions 
 and attacks that it was past six before he rose to make the 
 great speech. He then discovered that, as he had left his 
 eye-glasses at home, his notes were practically useless, put 
 them quietly back into his coat pocket, and delivered with 
 no aid to his memory, and upon that one hour’s prepara- 
 ation, a powerful argument interspersed with passages of 
 wonderful passion and pathos, which lasted for three hours, 
 and will always rank among his finest efforts. 
 
 We well remember, says a writer in Chambers^ Journal^ 
 the first time we saw the German Emperor. Keturning 
 one day from a walk, we observed a crowd of people in the 
 promenade, standing at a short distance trom, and watching 
 an elderly gentleman talking to a pretty girl. The girl 
 kept courtesying backwards, retreating a step each time. 
 The Emperor William — for he it was — followed her up, 
 making believe to bore a hole at her with his walking-stick. 
 
 Stories of the German Emperor. 
 
OF NOTED PEESONS. 
 
 35 
 
 Another day, a large party of school-boys, headed by 
 their master, arrived at Ems to spend a holiday. After 
 exploring the town and drinking the waters, they came 
 trooping along the covered colonnade, which forms one 
 side of the Restaurant Gardens, and which is itself lined 
 with stalls belonging to the larger shops in the town. 
 The Emperor, walking quietly along in the opposite direc- 
 tion, accosted the foremost boys, saying : 
 
 “ What brought you here, my lads ? ” 
 
 “We came to spend a holiday and to see the Emperor,” 
 promptly replied their spokesman. 
 
 ‘ ‘ To see the Emperor ! Then have a good look at him, ” 
 rejoined the monarch, turning himself round back and 
 front. “I am the Emperor!” And forthwith he took 
 the delighted boys to a book-stall close by, and presented 
 each of them with a photograph of himself. 
 
 One morning, there was considerable excitement at the 
 Tier Zeitung^ waiters rushing in all directions, and Herr 
 Iluyn, our little host, looking fussy and all-important. 
 We inquired the cause, and were told that the Emperor 
 was expected in the afternoon to call upon some ladies of 
 high rank, who were staying at the hotel. A huge roll of 
 new carpet, which had just been brought in, was to be laid 
 down on the grand staircase, and flowers were to be scat- 
 tered in profusion everywhere. All the forenoon, poor 
 little Ilerr was in a pitiable state. He did not like to lay 
 down his beautiful carpet, and have its freshness sullied by 
 the numerous feet passing continually up and down the 
 grand staircase ; and yet he was in considerable fright 
 lest he might not have all ready in time when the Emperor 
 should be seen approaching. AVaiters, acting as scouts, 
 were continually running in and out, and peering up and 
 down the street. It was a never-ending refrain of “lister 
 Anne, sister Anne, do you see anyone coining? ” 
 
36 
 
 AI^ECDOTES 
 
 At last, a horror-stricken waiter came rushing from the 
 corridor above us, exclaiming : 
 
 ‘‘The Emperor is here! He is at this moment in the 
 salon of Madame la Princesse I ” 
 
 Ilerr IIu jn stood aghast. ‘ ‘ How did' he get there ? 
 When did he come ? ” 
 
 Alas! it was discovered that the Emperor, coming 
 -quietly and unattended, had turned in at the entry to the 
 baths, gone up an uncarpeted back staircase leading from 
 the court, inquired his way from the astonished servant to 
 the Princess’ rooms, and so stolen a march on our poor 
 <;restfallen little host. 
 
 There was nothing now to be done but carry carpet and 
 flowers to the back staircase, and spread the one and scat- 
 ter the other as rapidly as possible. This done, Herr 
 Huyn ke])t guard at the foot of the stairs, still uneasy lest, 
 through a combination of untoward circumstances, the 
 Emperor might now make his exit by the front entrance, 
 and so, after all, never know of the preparations made to 
 do him honor. However, at last he was heard approach- 
 ing, accompanied by the Princess. At once noticing the 
 change, he inquired : 
 
 “For whom has all this trouble been gone to ? ” 
 
 “For you, sir!” returned little Herr Huyn, reverently. 
 
 “Alas!” said the Emperor, “it is a pity to leave such 
 lovely flowers to be trodden on by an old man like me.” 
 And stooping, he selected some of the most beautiful, and 
 presented them to the Princess, and then fastened a blos- 
 som in his own coat. Such was the graceful acknowledge- 
 ment he made to Herr Huyn, and by such simple acts did 
 he daily endear himself to his people. 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 o7 
 
 Col. Ingersoll on Intemperance. 
 
 Intemperance cuts down youth in its vigor, manhood 
 in its strength, and age in its weakness. It breaks the 
 father’s heart, bereaves the doting mother, extinguishes 
 natural affections, erases conjugal love, blots filial attach- 
 ments, blights parental hope, and brings down mourning 
 age in sorrow to the grave. It makes wives wfidows, chil- 
 dren orphans, fathers fiends, and all of them paupers and 
 beggars. It feeds rheumatism, arouses gout, welcomes 
 epidemics, invites cholera, imports pestilence, and em- 
 braces consumption. It covers the land with idleness and 
 crime. It fills your jails, supplies your almshouses, and 
 demands your asylums. It engenders controversies, fos- 
 ters quarrels, and cherishes riot. It crowds your peniten- 
 tiaries, and furnishes victims for the scaffolds. It is the 
 boon of the gambler, the element of the burglar, the prop 
 of the highwayman, and the support of a midnight incen- 
 diary. It countenances the liar, respects the thief, esteems 
 the blasphemer. It violates obligations, reverences fraud, 
 and honors infamy. It hates love, scorns virtue, and 
 slanders innocence — incites the father to butcher liis lielp- 
 less off-spring, and the child to grind the parental age. It 
 burns up men, consumes women, detests life,. curses God 
 and hates heaven. It suborns witnesses, nurses perfidy, 
 defiles the jury box and judicial ermine. It bribes votes, 
 disqualifies voters, corrupts elections, pollutes our institu- 
 tions, and endangers government. It degrades tlie citi- 
 zens, debases tlie legislature, dishonors the statesman, and 
 disarms the patriot. It brings shame, not lionor; terror, 
 not safety; despair, not hope; misery, not ha])piness ; and 
 with the malevolence of a fiend, it calndy surveys its 
 frightful desolation, and unsatisfied with liavoc, it kills 
 peace, poisons felicity, ruins morals, blights confidence, 
 slays reputation, and wipes out national lionor, then curses 
 
38 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 the world and laughs at its ruin. It does that and more 
 — it murders the soul. 
 
 A Reminiscence of Gen. Scott. 
 
 One evening during the early days of our ‘‘late un- 
 pleasantness” there was to be an exhibition of Grammar 
 School Ho. 44:, in Hew York City. I arrived late at the 
 school building and found several distinguished-looking 
 visitors on the platform of the hall. Among them there 
 was one whom I at once recognized by the portraits I had 
 seen of him — it was Major-General Scott, the hero of the 
 Mexican war. lie was in full regimentals, and sat in an 
 arm-chair a little to the right of the center of the stage — 
 a very grand, large man, with snowy hair and whiskers. 
 He gave the most flattering, the most rapt attention to the 
 reading of every composition, to all the singing, declama- 
 tion — every exhibition of skill, however perfectly or imper- 
 fectly done. The presence of so distinguished a visitor 
 stimulated some to do their best, while it scared others 
 into doing their very worst. It was on the whole, how- 
 ever, a brilliant success. 
 
 After the exercises, the President of our local board ol 
 school officers approached the General’s chair and said 
 something to him. We know he was asked to make a 
 “ few remarks,” and wondered if he would consent. To 
 our great delight there were evident signs of compliance ; 
 the old hero commenced to rise. One of the school oflicers, 
 approaching his chair on the opposite side, offered to assist 
 him. He declined assistance, but when the gentleman 
 persisted and rnade an attempt to take hold of his arm. 
 General Scott impatiently and imperatively put him aside. 
 Those near the platform heard him say, “I need no assist- 
 ance — no assistance — only give me a little time.” The 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 39 
 
 process of getting straightened up on the part of the Gen- 
 eral was very slow, but not a jerky or a trembling one, 
 and suggested rather a rheumatic infirmity than the stiff- 
 ness of age, though he must have been over seventy. 
 How immensely tall he seemed as lie stretched his majestic 
 figure higher and higher until he towered half a foot or 
 more above the men around him. Then he was introduced 
 to the children, and the tumultuous applause of hundreds 
 of small hands greeted him from every part of the immense 
 hall. The applause continued until the principal touched 
 the bell. The General waited until the silence was perfect, 
 and then he said in a clear, ringing voice: ^‘Youths and 
 
 maidens,” and for over a half hour he held forth in a 
 majestic simplicity of style never to be forgotten by any 
 boy or girl who heard him, though there was nothing very 
 remarkable or very original about anything he said. He 
 praised and encouraged the pupils and aroused them to 
 new effort. He compared their educational advantages to 
 those of other lands and with those of this country fifty 
 years ago. It was, in short, the prince of what children 
 call ‘‘goody speeches.” 
 
 Governor Andrew’s Prayer. 
 
 The memoir of Governor Andrew which has recently 
 been prepared by his friend, Peleg W. Cliandler, for the 
 Massachusetts Historical Society, contains the following 
 account of a memorable scene in the official life of the 
 great War Governor, which has a flavor of Cromwell and 
 the English Commonwealth : 
 
 “Among the Governor’s friends was a young merchant 
 of Boston, and I will let him tell the story in his own way: 
 
 ‘ It was in the summer of 1802, when eniancij)ation was 
 being talked a great deal. We had not liad any great 
 
40 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 successes, and everybody had a notion that emancipation 
 ought to come. One day the Governor sent for me to come 
 up to the State House. I went up to his room, and I shall 
 never forget how I met him. He was signing some kind 
 of bonds, standing at a tall desk m the Council Chamber, 
 in his shirt-sleeves, his fingers all covered with ink. He 
 said ‘ ‘ How do you do ? I want you to go to W ashington. ’ ’ 
 “Why, Governor,” said I, “I can’t go to Washington 
 on any such notice as this. I am busy, and it is impossible 
 for me to go.” “All my folks are serving their country,” 
 said he, and he mentioned the various services the mem- 
 bers of his stalf were engaged in, and said with* emphasis, 
 
 ‘ ‘ Somebody must go to W ashington. ” “ W ell. Governor, 
 
 I don’t see how I can.” Said he, “I command you to go.” 
 “Well,” said I, “ Governor, put it in that way, and I shall 
 go, of course.” “There is something going on,” he 
 remarked. “This is a momentous time.” He turned 
 suddenly towards me and said, “You believe in prayer, 
 don’t you?” I said, “Why, of course.” “Then let us 
 pray,” and he knelt right down at the chair that was 
 placed there ; we both knelt down, and I never heard such 
 a prayer in all my life. I never was so near the throne of 
 God, except when my mother died, as I was then. I said 
 to the Governor, “I am profoundly impressed and I will 
 start this afternoon for Washington.” 
 
 I soon found out that emancipation was in everybody’s 
 mouth, and when I got to Washington and called upon 
 Sumner, he began to talk emancipation. He asked me to 
 go and see the President, and tell him how the people of 
 Boston and Hew England regarded it. I w^ent to the 
 White House that evening and met the President. He 
 first talked about everything but emancipation, and finally 
 he asked me what I thought about emancipation. I told 
 him what I thought about it, and said that Governor Andrew 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 41 
 
 was so far interested in it that I had no doubt he had sent me 
 on there to post the President in regard to what the class 
 of people I met in Boston and Kew York thought of it, 
 and then I repeated to him, as I had previously to Sumner, 
 this prayer of the Governor, as well as I could remember 
 it. The President said: “When we have the Governor 
 
 of Massachusetts to send us troops in the way he has, and 
 when we have him to utter such prayers for us, I have no 
 doubt that we shall succeed.” In September the Governor 
 sent for me. He had a dispatch that emancipation would 
 be proclaimed, and it was done the next day. You re- 
 member the President made proclamation in September, 
 to take effect in January. Well, he and I were together 
 alone again in the Council Chamber. Said he, “You re- 
 member when I wanted you to go on to Washington ?” I 
 said, “Yes, I remember it very well.” “Well,” said 
 he, “I didn’t know exactly what I wanted you to go for 
 then. How I will tell you what let’s do ; you sing 
 ‘Coronation,’ and I will join with you.” So we sang 
 together the old tune, and also “Praise God from whom 
 all blessings flow.” Then I sang “ Old John Brown,” he 
 marching around and joining in the chorus after each 
 verse.’ ” 
 
 Anecdote of General Lee. 
 
 The following- is from the Louisville Courier- Journal: 
 It was in the summer of 1864, while the armies of the 
 United States and Confederate States were confronting 
 each other on the James, below Pichmond. On a certain 
 day a Federal attack, which was thought to bo a decoy, 
 was made on the south side of the river. Wo thought we 
 saw evidences of a real attack on our side. Occasionally 
 the whole picket-line would open Are. The gunboats at 
 
42 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 Deep Bottom would send tliree hundred pounds crashing 
 through the timbers in the rear of what had been Libby’s 
 residence, but was then General Lee’s head-quartters. At 
 about two o’clock p. m., the artillery opened on our left. A 
 few minutes afterward, we heard the unmistakable roar of 
 infantry firing. We then knew that the lines of battle 
 were engaged on our left. The pickets opened and kept 
 up a rapid firing in our front, the gunboats sending their 
 infernal machines more frequently. We, the Kockbridge 
 Battery, were ordered to double-quick into position on 
 Libby’s Hill. On our way up, everything looked as 
 though we were on the eve of terrible conflict, — the roar of 
 artillery and infantry, the rapid movement of troops into 
 line, and the solemnity that seemed to have impregnated 
 the whole atmosphere. As we passed the Libby house, w^e 
 saw General Lee in the yard. lie 'was standing just under 
 a low tree, with one arm extended, as if reaching for some- 
 thing on the limb. As we got nearer to him, we could see 
 what he was engaged in doing at such a time. A little 
 bird, whose mother was just teaching it to use its wings, 
 had, in its first effort, fallen to the ground. Its dumb 
 mother, regardless of the death and carnage that intelli- 
 gent man was dealing to his fellow, was uttering pitiful 
 cries for her fallen offspring. General Lee reached down 
 and picked up this little creature, and, when we passed, 
 was in the act of placing it where its mother could care 
 for it. 
 
 Bismarck at Home — How He Wanted to Be a Parson. 
 
 Live o’clock is Bismarck’s dinner hour, and this is not 
 departed from even in Berlin when he gives the diplo- 
 matic dinner on the Emperor’s birthday. Four plain 
 •courses are served. Bismarck was once a lover of light 
 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 43 
 
 clarets ; lately he lias taken nothing but old, heavy wines 
 and whisky. Beer and champagne he eschews altogether, 
 but his guests can select from a large and varied wine 
 cellar. The Princess does the honors of the table. The 
 Prince leads the conversation, and is particularly ani- 
 mated when strangers are present. Should he, on graver 
 thoughts intent, wander from the .subject, the Princess 
 recalls him by a word or look, although she, for her 
 part, is so busied with the cares of the household, that she 
 has been known to drop her knife and run into the kitchen 
 to scold the servants. When she returns, the thread of 
 the story is taken up where she left it. The Prince is never 
 weary of descanting on the exploits of his youth, of which 
 the neighborhood of Yarzin was the scene. Touching 
 upon this subject one evening when he had taken his long, 
 patriarchal porcelain pipe to smoke upon the veranda, he 
 said : “I sometimes wish my father had carried out his 
 
 idea of making a parson of me. It was very nearly done, 
 too. One of his relatives had already a place in sight where 
 I should, at the end of the first year, have had an income 
 of at least £150 a year.” Something unexpected, how- 
 ever, occurred, and the plan was frustrated ; ‘‘but,” said 
 the Chancellor, “I would have been a much better man 
 had I turned parson.” To this the Princess refused to 
 agree, and the Prince went off into a laudation of England, 
 which he said was like a garden, where he could have lived 
 quietly and happily. 
 
 How Cromwell Managed the Musket. 
 
 The following ordinance was issued by Oliver Crom- 
 well, in 1641, regulating the exercises of the musketry. 
 The manual of arms will be of interest to military men of 
 the present day : 
 
44 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 The Lord General Cromwell. — His ordinance for the 
 righthe observation of ye platoon exercise amonst ye mos- 
 cpieteers of ye armie, to be heedfully acquitted by ye 
 soulders : 
 
 1. Balance youre mousquet. 
 
 2. Find out youre charge. 
 
 3. Open youre charge. 
 
 4. Charge with bullet. 
 
 5. Put youre scouring sticke in youre mousquet. 
 
 6. Earn home youre charge. 
 
 7. Draw fourth youre scouring sticke. 
 
 8. Turn and shorten him to a handful. 
 
 9. Eeturn youre scouring sticke. 
 
 10. Bring forward youre mousquet and poise. 
 
 11. Balance your mousquet in left hand with barrell 
 upwards. 
 
 12. Draw forth youre match. 
 
 13. Blow the ashes from youre coal. 
 
 14. Present youre left hand. 
 
 15. Give fire, breast high. 
 
 Lotta’s First Experience — Interesting Incidents. 
 
 “When I first went on the stage,” Lotta has been tell" 
 ing an interviewer, “in the summer of 1858, — twenty 
 years ago, by the way, — I determined to originate an en- 
 tirely new school of acting. You may laugh, but my first 
 idea was tragedy, and I actually had the part of Lady 
 Macbeth committed to memory. The successful lady stars 
 at that time were Lucille Western and Kate Bateman, and 
 I felt that if there was any money to be made, it must be in 
 the same line they were in. On Christmas Day, 1863, I 
 was stopping with a friend in St. Louis, when Lucille 
 Western visited that city and played ‘ East Lynne’ at ono 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 4:0 
 
 of the theaters. I went to see her for the first time. At 
 the conclusion of the performance, I concluded that tragedy 
 or emotional acting was not my forte, for I was ashamed 
 of puny efforts, as witnessed before the mirror in my 
 dressing-case, after having seen what Lucille Western 
 could do in the same line. I was thoroughly disheartened, 
 and sat down and had a real good cry. The friend at 
 whose house I was stopping,” continued Lotta, ‘‘was a 
 prominent newspaper man, and had a penchant for enter- 
 taining members of the theatrical profession. Go there 
 when you would, you were always certain to find some 
 actor at his table. Well, on this Christmas Day I was 
 telling you of, when I came down to tea, my eyes still red 
 with weeping, I found an elderly, good-natured, good-look- 
 ing gentleman there. I was not a little flurried on his 
 being introduced to me as John Brougham, the celebrated 
 actor and play-writer, for I was not then so well used to 
 meeting celebrities as I am now. I am sure Mr. Brougham 
 must have thought me a little goose, for I had not spoken 
 to him two minutes before the recollection of my disap- 
 pointment again welled up in my mind, and the tears came 
 to my eyes. I can never forget how he questioned me as 
 to what was the matter, and how kindly and fatherly he 
 wormed out of me my secret. 
 
 “ ‘The truth is, dear sis,’ said he, after learning the full 
 extent of my affliction, ‘ you have chosen the wrong branch 
 of the profession. This rage for weeping and wailing will 
 soon run out, and the people will demand a more cheerful 
 performance. Take to the soubrets, my girl — there is 
 more money in that. What you want, is to hit on some- 
 thing odd and peculiar. Give the peo])le something new. 
 The American people are great for novelty, and will put a 
 fortune into the purse of the one who ]>lcases them.’ 
 
 “I did not soon forget what he had told me. I am a 
 
46 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 great gin for action, and when I taKe anything into my 
 head, instead of dreaming over it, I get energetically to 
 work. But, for the life of me, I couldn’t think what school 
 of acting to choose, until one day in Chicago, at a hotel 
 where I was stopping, I came across the counterpart of 
 the mischievous creature known throughout the length 
 and breadth of the land as Lotta. She was a little miss of 
 ten summers, and as provoking a little imp as was ever 
 born. She was up to all sorts of tricks and comicalities, 
 and yet, in spite of her mischief, one could not help loving 
 her. In a word, she was at once the terror and delight of 
 the house. I saw in an instant where an original character 
 could be found, and began to study the oddities of the 
 little elf. Then I would go to my room and practice what 
 she had done. 
 
 ‘‘In the farce of ‘Nan, the Good-for-Nothing,’ there 
 occurs a splendid opportunity for introducing the vagaries 
 of a spoilt, wayward child. How well I succeeded in that 
 farce, and in other kindred plays WTitten especially with a 
 view to introducing these oddities, my career for the last 
 fifteen years will attest. I had no trouble. I swam at 
 once into public favor, partly by good luck, partly by the 
 oddity of the thing, but chiefly by the wisdom and enter- 
 prise of good managers, to whom successful stars owe more 
 than they have often the candor to acknowledge.” 
 
 Thurlow Weed and the Reporter- -An Interesting 
 Interview. 
 
 The following interview took place recently at Thurlow 
 Weed’s residence in New York City: 
 
 “ What part of your life do you look back to with most 
 satisfaction?” I asked. 
 
 “To my persistent refusal of office,” he answered 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 4r 
 
 quickly, “and to that” — and he pointed to an old brown 
 document, framed, hanging on the wall, which, on exami- 
 nation, proved to be a Government warrant for 160 acres- 
 of land for his services as a soldier in the war of 1812 . 
 
 Observing that he had not located his warrant, and that 
 it was still a sight draft for 160 acres of wild land, I asked 
 him why he didn’t use it. 
 
 “ Oh! I don’t want to bother with it,” he said. “I’ll 
 put it in my will.” 
 
 “But you said you had held office?” I reminded him. 
 
 “Oh, yes; I let the boys send me to the Legislature 
 when I was a journeyman printer, fifty-five years ago. 
 But I never had a thirst for office. A great many offices- 
 have been within my reach. Perhaps I am the only man 
 who ever declined three first-class foreign missions, offered 
 by three Presidents — Taylor, Fillmore and. Lincoln.” 
 
 “They say you have been Governor a good deal?” I 
 suggested. 
 
 The old gentleman laughed heartily. 
 
 “Yes, that’s what they say ; but I was never elected to 
 that office anyhow, and never drew a cent of salary. 
 Yes,” he added, after a pause, “of several Governors I 
 have- been the confidential friend, and perhaps I may say 
 adviser.” 
 
 “You may, indeed,” I assented. “No other American 
 has ever held such influential relations with high officials.” 
 
 “And the oddest of it is, said he, eagerly, rising and 
 walking the room, as if to walk off superfluous energy, 
 “that I have been a confidential friend of at least two 
 Democratic Governors when I was a leading Whi"^ The 
 first was Silas Wright.” 
 
 “And they took your advice? ” I asked. 
 
 “Yes, very often. When Marcy was Governor, he took 
 me intimately into Ins confidence and his counsels; and^ 
 
48 
 
 Al^ECDOTES 
 
 when he was ^uchanan’s Secretary of State, I occupied 
 the same relation to him.” 
 
 “You are so old, and have been so active, that you 
 seem to have been a part of almost everything that has 
 happened in this country,” I said. 
 
 “Up there, somewhere,” he answered, pointing indefi- 
 nitely toward the wall, “is a silhouette of the first railroad 
 in this country, and the first train of cars, running between 
 Albany and Schenectady.” He paused and found it, — 
 the black line of coaches drawn by a queer-looking iron- 
 horse, with copies of which most people are familiar. 
 “About there — that’s me,” said he, putting his finger on 
 one of the stove-pipe hats in the rear coach. 
 
 “May I ask, "What is the greatest misfortune that ever 
 happened to you? ” 
 
 “The greatest distress I ever suffered?” he inquired. 
 “ Oh ! you must know what that was. Cruel, cruel ! The 
 vilest slander that ever was framed, — that I was a monster 
 of brutality, and had mutilated a corpse, for the purpose 
 of helping the fortunes of a party.” 
 
 “I don’t exactly remember what you mean,” I said. 
 
 “Why, Morgan! Morgan!” he exclaimed, and his face 
 assumed a pained expression. “I suffered untold distress, 
 and was more or less under ban, for twenty-five years. 
 Old acquaintances avoided me ; even my family was made 
 to feel the disgrace, as if I were a felon. It was cruel!” 
 
 “How was it?” I said. “Or, perhaps you prefer not 
 to talk about it? ” 
 
 • “I have no objection. It’s an old story now, and be- 
 longs to the past. I was living at Rochester at the time 
 Morgan, who had exposed Masonry, was missing. It was 
 believed that he had been drowned by members ol the 
 Order, in Lake Ontario. A body was found which answered 
 the description of his. It was exhibited in public, and 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 49 
 
 was recognized as being bim bj bis family and friends. It 
 was buried by them. Afterward, it was claimed by tbe 
 friends of another man, disinterred, and another inquest 
 held. There was great ^ excitement over the murder of 
 Morgan, and I was prominent as an anti-Mason. When 
 this last inquest was pending, the lawyer engaged by the 
 Masons said to me, one day: ‘What are you going to do 
 
 for a Morgan now ? ’ ‘ This man is a good enough Mor- 
 
 gan,’ I retorted, ‘ till you produce the man that was killed.’ 
 He went oif and reported that I said the deceased was a 
 good enough Morgan till after election.'^ This lie was first 
 published by Henry O’Keilly, editor of the Kochester 
 Daily Advertiser; and it made such an excitement, that 
 he stuck to it and elaborated it. Finally, the lie took this 
 form, that I had pulled out the beard, cut the hair, and 
 otherwise defaced or mutilated the features of the Ontario 
 corpse, so as to make them resemble Morgan ! This was 
 in the winter of 1826-27.” 
 
 “Did people believe such a thing?” 
 
 “Yes, a good many did. It was a thing I could not dis- 
 prove to their satisfaction. I was abhorred by tens of 
 thousands. Old acquaintances cut me. I was pointed at 
 on the street. Strangers would look askance at me. I saw 
 them. Friends gave me the cold shoulder. I received 
 threatening anonymous letters. I was made to feel every- 
 where and every hour that I was a marked man. And my 
 poor family, sir,” said he, lifting his hand with a pathetic 
 gesture, “were made to feel the cruel thrusts in ways I 
 cannot mention.” 
 
 “How long did this ostracism last?” 
 
 “ Fifteen or twenty years actively, and in some directions 
 a much longer time.” 
 
 “It seems strange that injustice should thrive so.” 
 said I. 
 
50 
 
 AJSTECDOTES 
 
 ‘‘Well, it did thrive. O’Keilly became rich, and that lie 
 was the foundation of his fortune. I drifted to Albany, 
 and at last lived the shocking calumny down. Finally, 
 O’Reilly, who might have been worth millions if he had 
 stuck to the telegraphs, which he manipulated at first, 
 speculated in other things and lost money. He kept losing. 
 He lost everything he had at last.” 
 
 “Were you glad?” 
 
 “ 1 was grateful that the Lord didn’t allow such villainy 
 to thrive forever,” the old gentleman confessed ; “and then 
 I felt sorry for him.” 
 
 “Where is he now, — dead ? ” 
 
 “Oh, no,” said he ; “ O’Reilly is alive enough. Four 
 years ago he wrote me a letter, saying that he was penni- 
 less, and asking me to send him one hundred dollars.” 
 “Well, what did you do ? ” 
 
 “ I sent it to him.” 
 
 “You did?” 
 
 “ Certainly I did. And a few weeks later he wrote me 
 a very grateful letter, which wound up by saying that he 
 was completely out of money and out of business, and he 
 didn’t know what in the world he should do to keep alive 
 if I didn’t get him a place in the Hew York Custom 
 House.” 
 
 Is it possible ? ” 
 
 “Yes.” 
 
 ‘ ‘ What did you do ? ” 
 
 “ I went and refiected on how much pain he had caused 
 me through a quarter of a century ; on the grief and dis- 
 tress my family had suffered on his account ; on the morti- 
 fication and humiliation he had heaped upon my party and 
 my friends ; and then — then I went down and got him a 
 place in the Custom House,” 
 
 “ You did? ” 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 51 
 
 “I did.” 
 
 “ Where is he now? ” 
 
 ‘‘ In the Custom House, unless he has left since I heard 
 from there. I believe he is there yet.” 
 
 “Well, Mr. AVeed, that beats all the revenges I ever 
 heard of. Mr. AYeed, you have put thousands of men in 
 office ; have you met with grateful returns of your friendly 
 services? ” 
 
 “Oh, yes, generally. Generous gratitude has been the 
 rule!” 
 
 “ I have heard,” I said, “ that to do a service for a man 
 is the way to make him an enemy.” 
 
 “ That is not my observation,” he answered. 
 
 “Then you believe in human nature and friendships 
 after all these years of sharp party warfare and personal 
 hostilities ? ” 
 
 “ Oh heavens, yes !” exclaimed the old gentleman, “ my 
 life has been full of delightful friendships. The poet who 
 said friendship was but a name didn’t deserve to have a 
 friend. Notwithstanding all the setbacks, I have found 
 the world full of sunshine, generosity, good deeds, grati- 
 tude, self denial, for the benefit of others. Heavens! yes! 
 I do believe in human nature and the general excellence of 
 men.” 
 
 Here Mr. Weed called his servant, and had his now cold 
 cup of tea changed for a hot one, while I withdrew, leaving 
 iiim to finish his repast. 
 
 Gorringe Removing the Great Obelisk. 
 
 When I arrived in Alexandria, says George AYright, the 
 needle had been taken down, and Commander Gorringe 
 was building a caisson or flat-boat on which to launch it 
 into the water and carry it to the dry-dock where it was to 
 
 
52 
 
 AXECDOTES 
 
 be shipped. Previously, when the machinery for taking it 
 down was arranged, evil-disposed persons in the city were 
 confident that the trunnions and towers, which, they sarcas- 
 tically said, were built by people in America who knew 
 nothing about removing obelisks, would not bear so great 
 a weight, and up to the moment when the obelisk turned 
 easily on its axis, they predicted a crash. In this they 
 were disappointed, so their next hope of a failure was 
 placed on the launching. The obelisk stood on a plot of 
 land, which had formerly been a stone yard, between the 
 Boulevard de Ramleli and the Great harbor, a little to the 
 northwest of the Bamleli railway station and almost in 
 tlie center of the business portion of the city. At this 
 point the land is between ten and fifteen feet above tide- 
 water mark. Here Commander Gorringe excavated a slip 
 similar to a ship builder’s yard, and on it built the caisson. 
 When this was completed, the obelisk was rolled on, and 
 together they were launched into the harbor. There were 
 a great number of people present, the majority of whom 
 came to witness an accident to the stone — the general 
 opinion being that the caisson would not carry the weight 
 from the land to the water. 
 
 When they got otf the ways, there was great cheering 
 •and rejoicing and a general revulsion of feeling. And 
 after that, everybody expressed a hope that the obelisk 
 might get to America in safety, because Commander Gor- 
 ringe had overcome all obstacles so successfully. 
 
 It was towed to a floating dry dock situated on the other 
 side of the promontory, which constitutes a part of Alex- 
 andria and divides the two harbors. The dock was sunk 
 and the caisson admitted. When the dock was raised 
 again, the caisson was taken to pieces and the obelisk was 
 jacked up to about five or ten feet. After this was accom- 
 plished, the dock was sunk again, and the Dessouk was 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 53 
 
 admitted and placed with her bow alongside the monolith. 
 A section of the starboard side of the steamer, beginning 
 about twenty feet aft of the bow, and extending for about 
 seventy-five feet, and about ten feet deep, was taken out, 
 and through this aperture the obelisk was shipped.” 
 
 The Alexandrians did not like the removal at first, and 
 a great deal of dissatisfaction was expressed, as it was one 
 of the very best obelisks in the country — a great feature in 
 Alexandria.” The feeling w^as, that an old landmark and 
 ornament to the city was being taken away. They would 
 rather have it go to America, however, than to any place 
 in Europe. 
 
 Anecdotes of the Emperor Napoleon. --Only a Cape 
 and a Sword. 
 
 Napoleon I. never forgot anything — least of all, the 
 days of his poverty and the slights he then received. When 
 he first paid court to Madam de Beauharnais, neither was 
 rich enough to keep a carriage, and the young hero, who 
 was deeply in love, often gave the charming widow his 
 arm when she went to visit her man of business, a notary 
 named Raguideau. Madam, who had great confidence in 
 this legal adviser, who was a friend as well, went to see 
 him immediately after engagement to Bonaparte, who, as 
 usual, accompanied her, but, from motives of delicacy, 
 did not enter the notary’s cabinet, but remained in an 
 adjoining room, where several clerks were writing. The 
 door being imperfectly closed, he here heard nearly all 
 that was said during the interview, and especially the 
 arguments used by Baguldeau to deter Madam do Beau- 
 harnais from the marriage she acknowledged herself she 
 was about to contract. 
 
 “ Mark my words, madam,” said the notary earnestly. 
 
54 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 “you are about to commit a great folly, of wbicli you will 
 bitterly repent. Why, this man you are about to espouse, 
 has nothing in the world but a cape and a sword !” 
 
 Eight years after, Napoleon, on the day of his corona- 
 on, as soon as he was invested with his imperial robes, 
 said : 
 
 “ Let them seek Raguideau. Have him come instantly. 
 I have something to say to him.” 
 
 The notary was brought, and stood much astonished 
 efore the Emperor, who, with his peculiar sardonic smile, 
 said to him : 
 
 hien^ monsieur, have I nothing in the world but a 
 cape and a sword ? ” 
 
 Joaquin Miller’s Experience on Wall Street — What he 
 Made and Lost. 
 
 Wall street? How did I come out? Oh! Well, I was 
 short of St. Paul and long of Pacific Mail. I expected 
 Pacific Mail to go up and St. Paul to go down. They did, 
 and I had twenty-one thousand dollars. But that was not 
 enough to build a city with. I held on. 
 
 One day it was rumored that the rust was not so bad in 
 St. Paul after all. It began to start up ! Pacific Mail be- 
 gan to shoot down. It was said the Chinese had estab- 
 lished an opposition line. I tell you it takes a big man to 
 sit on two benches at a time. Ten to one he will spill 
 himself between the two just as sure as he attempts it. 
 
 I sold some St. Paul and bought more Pacific Mail ; but 
 all to no purpose. They kept right on. Then I got out of 
 Pacific Mail at the lowest figure it touched, and bought 
 Wabash. I began to flounder, and got frightened. I sold 
 and bought, and bought and sold. I frequently saw in the 
 papers, that I was getting rich in Wall street, and kept on 
 
OF NOTED PEESONS. 
 
 55 
 
 working like a beaver. The end was only a question of 
 time. 
 
 One day my broker took me by the sleeve, and led me, 
 like a lamb as I was, aside. My fun was over. And 
 Utopia is indeed Utopia. 
 
 No one with so little money ever entered Wall street 
 under better advantages. All men were kind and good. 
 I think no man there ever attempted to mislead me. But 
 it is simply impossible to make money there and keep it. 
 Let me mention here, that during my six months there, I 
 paid my brokers, in commissions, $11,425 ! These com- 
 missions alone, will devour my possible profits. 
 
 Of course, it is not a pleasant thing to admit oneself 
 beaten. But if this brief history of my venture in the 
 dangerous land will diminish at all that tired and anxious 
 army of tape-holders, who waste their shekels, their days, 
 their strength in vain waiting — why, I willingly bear the 
 reproach. 
 
 And, after all, I lost but little, having but little to lose. 
 And I learned so much, having so much to learn. 
 
 Czar Nicholas and his Doctor. 
 
 On the 2d of March, 1855, when it was known that the 
 Czar Nicholas had died, a wild excitement, increasing from 
 day to day, burst forth against his favorite physician, Dr. 
 Mandt, the more readily suspected because he was a Ger- 
 man. Busy calumniators spread the news abroad in all 
 circles, that the guilt of the Emperor’s death lay at tlio 
 door of his Prussian doctor. Mandt’ s family, who were 
 then at Frankfort, were in tlie greatest terror, when their 
 fear was removed by a dispatch from St. Petersburg, stat- 
 ing that the present Czar, Alexander, had taken up the 
 defence of the calumniated man, having called him into 
 
56 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 his presence, thanked him before the court for his care of 
 his father, and presented him with a magnificent gold 
 snuff-box, richly set with diamonds. 
 
 The Doctor, it appears, left behind him a detailed account 
 of the last days and hours of his imperial patient. Almost 
 his only friends at court, besides the Czar himself, were 
 the heir to the throne and the Grand Duchess Helena, 
 lie was an object of violent dislike to her husband, the 
 Grand Duke Michael. When the Czar was taken ill, 
 Mandt’s meaner foes whispered about, that he would poison 
 their master. The Grand Duchess Helena warned him of 
 the plots against his reputation and person. Her husband 
 called him into a ’private room. “I found him in the 
 highest excitement,” says Dr. Mandt. ‘‘I thought he 
 would seize me by the collar, but my coolness seemed to 
 make some impression upon him, and he contented him- 
 self by shaking his fist in my face, and exclaiming, ‘ Trai- 
 tor!’” An excited conversation passed between them, 
 and the Prince ended by saying: “On the day upon 
 
 which the precious health of the Czar is endangered by 
 your treatment, your learned head shall hang upon your 
 neck by the thinness of a single thread.” 
 
 Nicholas himself was worked up into a temporary suspi- 
 cion of the fidelity of his doctor. One day, upon feeling 
 himself better, the Czar said : “ Mandt, do you know that 
 
 I believed yesterday that you were bent upon poisoning 
 me? ” “I knew it, sire,” replied the Doctor. Then do 
 not forget,” observed the Emperor, “that you have ene- 
 mies here, and many of them.” On the night of the 2d of 
 March, Mandt had to tell the Czar the fateful news, that his 
 recovery was impossible. Nicholas received the informa- 
 tion with great calmness. He ordered the sacrament to 
 be brought, took leave of the Empress, his children and 
 grandchildren, kissed them, and blessed each by name 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 57 
 
 with a film, clear voice. To the Empress he said: 
 shall send for thee when the last moment draws nigh.”" 
 
 General Jackson’s Death. 
 
 There is still living in Tennessee, a colored woman^ 
 ‘‘ Old Hannah,” in whose arms the wife of General Jack- 
 son died, and who was present at the General’s death-bed. 
 She is now eighty-nine years old, and still does service as 
 a nurse. To a correspondent of the Cincinnati Commercial 
 who visited her, she gave the following account of Gen- 
 eral Jackson’s death : 
 
 ‘‘ Ole Master was sick when he came home from Wash- 
 ington last time. He had a bad cough, but I never saw 
 him bleed at the lungs, as they say he did, and I was with 
 him or about him all the time. His feet would swell, 
 sometimes, but he said it was from sittin’ so much. He 
 used to smoke and chew more than any one I ever saw, 
 and it gave him headache, he said. xYbout three years 
 before he died, he was at breakfast one morning, and was 
 taken sick and left the table. We thought he had swal- 
 lowed a fish-bone. He never ate in the dining-room after 
 that. I always toted his meals to him. He had a little 
 table he could eat off when sick, as it could be swung 
 round to him. 
 
 “During the last year of his life, his breakfast was a raw 
 egg beaten up with brown sugar, and milk right from the 
 cow. About eleven o’clock, hot corn griddle-cakes, and a 
 glass of fresh buttermilk, which he liked very much, was 
 taken to him. On Friday morning before he died, he ate 
 as common. On Saturday, when I fetched him his egg 
 and milk, he was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, 
 and did not move. I asked George if he was aslcc]). 
 Ole Master then opened his eyes, and I handed him the 
 
58 
 
 AJSTECDOTES 
 
 glass. He held it in his hand a little while looking at me, 
 and said: ‘Well, Hannah, you will soon be done bringing 
 
 this to your old master. ’ He spoke very feeble. When I 
 got back to the kitchen, I tole Betty and Dick, the cooks, 
 that ole Master would not last long. Dick spoke up in his 
 sassy way and says : ‘ Oh, you think you are a prophet. 
 
 Ole Master will see the goose that will raise the goslin’ 
 that will eat the grass off of your grave. ’ 
 
 ‘‘ On Sunday, the day of his death, when I brought his 
 egg and milk, he could not drink it. His eyes looked so 
 curious that I went out and told Mistus Sarah. She ran to 
 the store room, got some brandy, loaf sugar and spice, 
 burned the brandy and carried it to him. He took one or 
 two teaspoonfuls and it revived him, but he didn’t speak 
 the whole day. The doctor said to Mistus Sarah to send 
 the servants out of the room, but we refused to go. One 
 of the servants went on so, cryin’ and lamentin’, she had to 
 be carried out. 
 
 “About an hour before he died, he come to. We had 
 all thought he was gone before that. Young Master 
 Andrew leaned over him and said, ‘Father, do you know 
 me?’ ‘Oh, yes, my son, I know you.’ Then Dick, the 
 cook, asked if he knew him. He nodded that he did, and 
 said, ‘Bichard, hand me my specs.’ He always called 
 him Bichard. They were handed to him from the bureau. 
 Ole Master wet them with his tongue, wiped them with the 
 sheet, and put them on. He looked around at us all and 
 said: ‘Where’s poor George and Hannah? I have it 
 
 that you shall be taken care of.’ He saw Mrs. Adams, 
 young Mistress’ sister, who lived in the family. She was 
 standing by, crying. He said to her: ‘Mrs. Adams, 
 
 while a bit of my property is left, you may call it yours. ’ 
 He then turned to us all again and said :’ ‘ I want you all to 
 
 meet me in heaven. My words are for you aU. God is no 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 59 
 
 respecter of color. I liope to be saved through the blood 
 of Christ. I am in God and God is in me. He dwelleth 
 in me and I in Him. ’ I shall never forget it. I have often 
 tried to say it myself when near death’s door, but shrank 
 back for fear I was unworthy. Yes, he’s up yonder, he’s 
 up yonder,” continued the old creature excitedly; ‘‘he’s 
 met my husband, and I shall soon meet them both.” 
 “While saying these words, he was propped up on 
 pillows. He asked to have them drawn out. Young 
 Mistus cried, ‘Ho, don’t, George, don’t!’ but Master gave 
 George a look which showed he meant it should be done. 
 George took two out. Old Master sighed, hunched up his 
 shoulders, drew just one breath, and all was over. There 
 was no struggle. Young Mistus fainted and was carried 
 to her room. The darkies could not be driven out. Our 
 master, our father was gone. We looked upon him as 
 though we had as much right there as Master Andrew.” 
 
 One of Anna Dickinson’s Southern Experiences. 
 
 A Cincinnati reporter, interviewing Anna Dickinson, re- 
 ports her as saying she had been lecturing on “Joan of 
 Arc” in Savannah, and was requested by a committee of 
 gentlemen, residents of that city, to let tlie people here her 
 on some topic on which she had lectured in tlie Horth. 
 She agreed to do so, and chose “ Compulsory Education ” 
 for lier topic. 
 
 In her lecture, she gave some statistics concerning the 
 State she was lecturing in, and, she says, her audience be- 
 came impatient and angry, and some of them (among 
 others, several of the gentlemen who had requested her to 
 deliver the lecture) were leaving the room, when she inter- 
 rupted the lecture, and addressing several by name, called 
 their attention to the fact that she had only yielded to them 
 
60 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 in delivering the lecture. Said she : “I told them that, 
 
 hearing me give the statistics of crime and misery in their 
 State, their feelings were aroused against me because I 
 was from the North, and that, though they had sat calmly 
 while one of their own number gave the same facts, they 
 rebelled against them as given by me, because I was a 
 Northern woman. I told them to forget this ; to think of 
 me as an American, and one of themselves, not as Georg- 
 ians, but as Americans, and they would feel none of this 
 resentment. I reminded them that we were all Americans, 
 
 and, calling one by name, I asked : ‘ General , if a 
 
 British hostile fleet appeared off our coast, or a French 
 army was marching across Mexico to attack our frontier, 
 who would be the first man to leave Savannah to prevent 
 the invasion?’ I had hardly asked the question when my 
 audience burst forth into a cheer, and I never saw more 
 enthusiasm.” 
 
 Horace Greeley Bathing in a Horse Trough. 
 
 , Horace Greeley at one time owned 2,500 acres of land 
 in Pike County, Pa. In 1813 he formed the Sylvanian 
 Society, and established a community on the property 
 after the plan of Fourier, the French social economist. 
 Large buildings were erected, and at one time 125 persons 
 were active members of the Society. Mr. Greeley invested 
 $10,000 in the enterprise, but it was a disastrous failure. 
 He believed that he had been made the victim of land- 
 sharks and the ultra Democratic views of the Pike County 
 natives. This inspired him to publish in the editorial 
 columns of the Tribune^ several bitter articles against that 
 county, in one of which occurred two expressions that the 
 Pike Countians never forgave. “Pike County,” said Mr. 
 Greeley, “is noted only for its scrub oaks, its locofoco 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 61 
 
 majorities, and its rattlesnakes. There are five gallons of 
 whisky to one spelling-book in Pike County.” 
 
 Once, before the Fourierite Society had failed, Mr. 
 Greeley paid a visit to the spot. On his way back to hTew 
 York, the stage-coach broke down several miles from 
 Milford. Mr. Greeley walked the rest of the way to this 
 village. He arrived here in the condition of a confirmed 
 tramp. “Uncle Sammy” Dimmick kept hotel there then. 
 He was one of the dozen or so of Whigs that dared the 
 Democratic forces in the place. He was a blulf, curt man, 
 but kind and generous. Horace Greeley was his idol. 
 He had never seen him, but often declared that he would 
 consider it the proudest moment of his life to meet the 
 great Whig editor. When Mr. Greeley entered the vil- 
 lage after his long and dusty tramp, he chanced to stop at 
 Dimmick’ 8 tavern. Uncle Sammy was in the bar-room, 
 and in one of his worst humors. Mr. Greeley walked up 
 to him, and, in liis peculiar falsetto voice, said : 
 
 “I am very tired and dusty, sir. I would like to have 
 a room where I can wash my feet. ’ ’ 
 
 Uncle Sammy looked the seedy and dirty stranger from 
 head to foot. Believing him to be an impudent tramp, he 
 bellowed out in a voice that could be heard over half the 
 town: 
 
 “A room to wash your feet in! Why, you impudent 
 scoundrel, go out to the horse-trough and wash your feet!” 
 A large public trough stood in the street at the corner 
 of the hotel. Mr. Greeley walked quietly out to it, took 
 off his boots, and began washing his feet in the trough. 
 Cornelius W. De Witt, father of John E. De Witt, the 
 well-known Hew York insurance President, at that time 
 kept a store opposite Dimmick’s tavern. He was also 
 a Wliig, and knew Mr. Greeley. lie saw the man at 
 the trough washing his feet, and Uncle Sammy standing 
 
62 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 on the hotel piazza looking at him with intense disgust. 
 De Witt walked over, recognized Mr. Greeley, and at once 
 gave words to his surprise. He beckoned Uncle Sammy 
 to the spot. 
 
 “Mr. Dimmick,” he said, “I want to introduce you to 
 Horace Greeley, the editor of the New York Tribune^ 
 
 Uncle Sammy never recovered from the mortification 
 he felt over his treatment of the man he would have gone 
 a hundred miles to do honor to. Mr. Greeley took the 
 matter good-naturedly, and spent several days with his 
 Whig admirer. 
 
 How Sam Houston Happened to Go to Texas. 
 
 An Arkansas paper says: “During Sam Houston’s 
 
 residence in the Cherokee Nation, west of Arkansas, he 
 lived with a daughter of old Captain John Rogers, an 
 Indian, about two and a half miles west of Fort Gibson. 
 He was a merchant, but tried to conform to the ways and 
 habits of the Indians, and in dress wore the hunting-shirt, 
 buckskin leggings and breech-clout of the Indians. For 
 the greater part of his stay here, he was under the infiuence 
 of liquor when it could be had, and he was seldom with- 
 out it. He seemed, after a residence of two years, to tire 
 of the part he was acting, and during short periods of 
 soberness became morose and sullen. He was evidently 
 comparing in his mind his present mode of life with the 
 past, or a worthless arunken white Indian with the proud 
 Governor of Tennessee. 
 
 It was directly after one of his long drunken sprees, that 
 some of the Texas Cherokees brought news of the war be- 
 tween Texas and Mexico. Houston, although not yet 
 sober, walked out on the banks of the Grand River with 
 John Henry, a merchant. Throwing himself down on the 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 63 
 
 ground, he was silent for some time. At length, starting 
 up quickly, he said : 
 
 “ Henry, let us go to Texas. I am tired of this countrj 
 and this life. Go with me, and I will make a fortune for 
 us both. You a merchant! I a merchant! We are no 
 more fit for merchants than h — 1 is for a powder house. I 
 am going. 'In that new State, I will make a man of my- 
 self again.” 
 
 He began at once making preparation for the (at that 
 time) long journey. Casting at once aside all his Indian 
 attire, he came out dressed as a white man, and, at once re- 
 fusing the use of liquor offered him frequently, as if by 
 the stroke of the magician’s wand, he looked the man and 
 hero he very soon became after his arrival in Texas. 
 
 Great Men Testing Their Wits. 
 
 An anecdote is told at the expense of the late Yiolet-le- 
 Duc, who, after having been an attache of the imperial 
 court, became a republican municipal councilor, which has 
 been told of other people before him. 
 
 One of the amusements at Cornpiegne, was writing a lot 
 of questions on cards, whicli were then shuffled together 
 and drawn one at a time to tax the wits of the company in 
 provoking off-hand witty answers. 
 
 The Emperor happened while playing at this game to 
 draw the question, ‘‘How would you distinguish between 
 truth and falsehood?” 
 
 “Make them go through tlie same door,” said Napo- 
 leon ; “the lie would be first through.” 
 
 At that moment the door opened and in came M. Violet- 
 le-Duc, followed by Napoleon’s faithful friend, 1). Con- 
 neau. 
 
64 
 
 ANECDOTES 
 
 Some Strange Things which Great Men Have 
 Disliked. 
 
 Erasmus, who was a native of Kotterdam, had so great 
 an aversion to fish, that he could not even smell it without 
 being in a fever. If we may credit Ambrose Pare, a man 
 of some celebrity, he says he could never sit at a table 
 where eels were served up, without fainting. Joseph 
 Scaliger never drank milk, Carden could not bear eggs, 
 Julius Caesar Scaliger had an antipathy to cresses; Ulad- 
 istas Jagelon, a Polish King, hated apples; and when 
 Du Chesne, Secretary to Francis I., smelt them, they oc- 
 casioned his nose to bleed. Henry III. could not remain 
 in a room where there was a cat ; the same aversion was 
 observed in Marshal Shomberg, Governor of Languedoc. 
 
 The Emperor Ferdinand introduced a gentleman to the 
 Cardinal de Lorraine at Innspruck, whose fear of cats was 
 so powerful, that when he heard them mew at a distance, 
 blood spurted from his nose. M. de Laucre says, that he 
 knew a gentleman whose fear of the hedgehog was ex- 
 cessive, and who believed that that animal had actually 
 been preying on his entrails for more than two years. He 
 also relates another story, equally singular, of a gentle- 
 man whose bravery none disputed, but who was so nerv- 
 ous when a mouse appeared, that he could not take out his 
 sword to destroy it. M. Yaughneim, the King’s hunts- 
 man in Hanover, fainted when he saw a roasted pig. The 
 philosopher Chrysippas hated bows so much, that when 
 he was saluted he fell down. 
 
 There are persons who cannot tolerate the sight of 
 spiders, and there are those who eat them for amusement. 
 A friend of mine, a gentleman brave as the best, fainted 
 when vaccinated a few months ago. He could not account 
 for it, he said, as of course there was no pain, neither did 
 he feel any repugnance. 
 
OF NOTED PERSONS. 
 
 65 
 
 A Zach Chandler Story. 
 
 The recent anniversary of the birth of Lincoln prompts 
 a resident of Washington to relate in a newspaper of that 
 city a striking incident of the civil war, in which the late 
 Zachary Chandler played a prominent part. 
 
 The Washingtonian was walking in the avenue, just after 
 the first battle of Bull Kun had filled the town with dismay 
 and despondency, and chanced to encounter Chandler, 
 greatly excited over the disastrous defeat, and swearing like 
 a Templar. 
 
 The Senator seized him by the arm — the two had been 
 friends for years, — and said : “ Let’s go right up and see 
 Lincoln. Something’s got to be done, or the country’s 
 gone sure.” 
 
 In a few minutes they entered the White House, and 
 found Lincoln — he had evidently been weeping — with his 
 wife, in the blue room, in a state of agitation. The Presi- 
 dent held out his hand, exclaiming : 
 
 “My God, Chandler, I’m glad to see you. We are 
 ruined, ruined. What shall be done?” 
 
 “Done?” echoed the Senator. “What must be done 
 is this : You must write out a proclamation at once, calling 
 for three hundred thousand men.” 
 
 Lincoln expostulated. He had not yet had a cabinet 
 meeting, but he was to have one that evening. 
 
 “We can’t wait,” argued Chandler; “we must have 
 the proclamation immediately. It will give confidence 
 to the nation. Without it we’ll be in anarchy before a 
 week. 'Come, Mr. President, there’s not a minute to lose,” 
 and he urged Lincoln to a desk on which writing materials 
 lay. “I’ll wait for the document and take it to the Asso- 
 ciated Press, and to-morrow it will be over the country.” 
 The proclamation was hurriedly written out and carried 
 ofi* by Chandler. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 The Falls of Niagara Dry for a Whole Day. 
 
 The Eight Eev. Bishop Fuller gives the following re- 
 markable story of Niagara Falls: “The Falls of Niagara 
 
 were Oiiace dry for a whole day. That day was the 31st of 
 March, 1848. I did not witness it myself, but I was told 
 of it the next day by my late brother-in-law, Thomas C. 
 Street, Esq., M. P. 
 
 “ Happening to go out to his place the next day, he told 
 me that his miller (for he has a grist mill on the rapids 
 above the falls) knocked at his bedroom door about five 
 o’clock in the morning of that day, and told him to get up, 
 as there was no water in the mill-race, and no water in the 
 great river outside of the race. 
 
 “He said he was startled at the intelligence, and hurried 
 out as soon as he could dress himself, and then saw the 
 river, on the edge of which he had been born thirty-four 
 years before, dry. After a hurried breakfast, he said his 
 youngest daughter (then married) went down about three- 
 quarters of a mile to the precipice itself, over which there 
 was so little water running that, having provided himself 
 with a strong pole, they started from Table Eock and 
 walked near the edge of the precipice about one-third of 
 the way toward Goat Island, on the American shore, and 
 having stuck this pole in a crevice of the rock, and Miss 
 
4 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 Street having tied her pocket-handkerchief firmly on the 
 top of the pole, they returned. He said he then turned 
 his view toward the river below the falls, and saw the water 
 so shallow that immense jagged rocks stood up in such a 
 frightful manner that he shuddered when he thought of his 
 having frequently passed over them in the little Maid of the 
 Mist (as I often have done.) 
 
 “He then turned toward home and drove toward the 
 Canada shore one-half mile above the Falls toward Goat 
 Island. When he told me this he reproached himself very 
 much for not having sent out for me about eight miles dis- 
 tant, but he said that though he had several times intended 
 doing so, he each time concluded not to do it lest, before 
 we could reach the wonderful scene, the waters should have 
 returned to their old courses. Of course, everybody was 
 speaking of the wonderful event when I was out there next 
 day, and I have heard others who witnessed it speak of it 
 since that time. 
 
 “So far can I testify to the evidence of the fact at the 
 time of its occurrence. 
 
 “Mr. Street’s theory was this: that the winds had been 
 blowing down Lake Erie, which is only about thirty feet 
 deep, and rushing a great deal of the water from it over the 
 falls, and suddenly changed and blew this little water 
 (comparatively speaking) up to the western portion of the 
 lake ; and at this juncture the ice on Lake Erie, which had 
 been broken up by these high winds, got jammed in the 
 river between Buffalo and Canada side and formed a dam 
 which kept back the water of Lake Erie a whole day.” 
 
 When this remarkable stcry was first told by the Bishop, 
 it was almost too startling for human credulity and was 
 doubted, whereupon the Bishop secured the following sworn 
 testimony, taken before J. F. Macklan, notary public. May, 
 17 , 1880 : 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 5 
 
 “I, Henry Bond, of the village of Chippewa, in the 
 county of Welland, blacksmith, do solemnly declare that I 
 well remember the occurrence of there having been a day 
 during which so little water was running in the Niagara 
 River that but a small stream was flowing over the Falls of 
 Niagara during that day. It happened on or' about the 
 31st day of March, A. D. 1848; and I remember riding on 
 horseback from below the flouring mills and cloth factory 
 of the late Thomas C. Street, Esq., out into the bed of 
 the river, and so on down outside of Cedar Island to Table 
 Rock. Farther up the Niagara River, at the village of 
 Chippewa, where the Welland River empties into the Ni- 
 agara, there was so little water running tha£ the Welland 
 was nearly dry, only a very little stream running in the 
 centre. I recollect a number of old gun-barrels having 
 been found in the bed of the Welland River at its junction 
 with the Niagara River, supposed to have been thrown 
 into the river during the war of 1812. Hexry Bond. ” 
 
 A Singular Duel with Pianos. 
 
 The Imparcialy of Madrid, publishes the following start- 
 ling account of a terrible duel at Valparaiso. A quarrel 
 between two rival professors of music led to a challenge, 
 the instrument selected being neither pen nor sword, but 
 the piano. The conditions of the “encounter” were that 
 neither party should eat or drink until honor should be de- 
 clared duly satisfled, and that no waltzes or other lively 
 airs should be indulged in. 
 
 Seconds were appointed, and the duel proceeded without 
 intermission for forty-eight hours, at the end of which time 
 one of the musicians, after playing a “Miserere” for the 
 one liundred and fiftieth time, fell forward and sank ex- 
 hausted to the floor. 
 
6 
 
 STAETLIXG STORIES. 
 
 He was taken up a corpse. His adversary had been lit- 
 erally transformed into an “enraged musician,” and was 
 in that state transferred to the hospital. The seconds 
 themselves gave signs of being seriously “touched,” and 
 each of the pianos was found to be in a hopelessly crazy 
 condition. Such at least is the result of the medical ex- 
 amination. 
 
 A Dive for Life. 
 
 Just below the Kanawha Falls, in West Virginia, writes 
 a correspondent of the Louisville Courier- Journal^ is an 
 overhanging rock of immense size, jutting out about one 
 hundred feet over the seething whirlpool and about the 
 same height above. This was once the scene of a remark- 
 able adventure. 
 
 The Indians were in hot pursuit of Van Bibber, a settler 
 and a man of distinction in those early times. He was 
 hard pressed, and all access to the river below and above 
 being cut off, he was driven to this jutting rock, which 
 proved to be the jumping-off place for him. He stood on 
 the rock, in full view of the enemy above and below, who 
 yelled like demons at the certainty of his speedy capture. 
 He stood up boldly, and with his rifle kept them at bay. 
 As he stood there he looked across the river — saw his 
 friends — his wife with her babe in her arms, all helpless to 
 render assistance. They stood as if petrified with terror 
 and amazement. She cried at the top of her voice : 
 
 “Leap into the river and meet me I” Laying her babe 
 on the grass she seized the oars and sprang into the skiff 
 alone. As she neared the middle of the river her husband 
 saw the Indians coming in full force and yelling like de- 
 mons. 
 
 “Wife, wife!” he screamed, “I’m coming; drop down 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 T 
 
 a little lower. ” With this he sprang from his crag and 
 descended like an arrow into the water, feet foremost. 
 
 The wife rested on her oars a moment to see him rise to 
 the surface, the little canoe floating like a cork, bobbing 
 about on the boiling flood. It was an awful moment ; it 
 seemed an age to her ; would he ever rise ? Her earnest 
 gaze seemed to penetrate the depths of the water, and she 
 darted her boat further down the stream. He rose near 
 her ; in a moment the canoe was alongside of him, and she 
 helped him to scramble into it amid a shower of arrows 
 and shot that the baffled Indians poured into them. The 
 daring wife did not speak a word ; her husband was more 
 dead than alive, and all depended on her strength being 
 maintained till they could reach the bank. This they did 
 just where she had started, right where the babe was still 
 lying, crowing and laughing. The men pulled the skill 
 high up on the sand, and the wife slowly rose and helped to 
 lift Yan Bibber to his feet. He could not walk, but she 
 laid him down by his babe, and then, seating herself, she 
 wept wildly, just as any woman would have done under the 
 circumstances. That babe is now a grandfather, and that 
 rock is called Yan Bibber’s Kock to this day. 
 
 Strange Dreams. 
 
 Gustave Brooke, the day before he left London to em- 
 bark in the ill-fated steamer u])on which he was to have 
 sailed to Australia, met his friend Greeves at a favorite 
 resort in the Strand. 
 
 “ So you are really off to-morrow ? — but not for long, I 
 imagine ?” 
 
 “Yes,” said the tragedian, in an unusually grave tone; 
 “yes, I am afraid I may never return.” 
 
8 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 “ Nonsense ! What makes you have such a gloomy idea 
 as that?” 
 
 “ I’ll tell you, Greeves. I had a strange dream last 
 night. It was this. I dreamed that some fellow — an 
 author — came to me with the manuscript of a play, and 
 wanted to sell it to me. I saw in great letters upon the 
 cover of the first act the title. It was ‘The Wreck.’ I 
 turned over a few pages and came to a sketch in ink of the 
 closing tableaux, intended to illustrate the way in which 
 the stage should be set. Standing upon the deck of a 
 sinking vessel was a man clinging to the rigging. The 
 despairing face of that man was a perfect reproduction ol 
 my own features. The sight of that agonized face, so per- 
 fect a picture of myself, frightened me out of my sleep. 
 Greeves, I tell you that dream means something serious.” 
 
 “Pshaw!” said Greeves. “It means too late hours 
 and too late dinners.” 
 
 Brooke went his way, and met the verification of the 
 vision of his slumber. 
 
 “I am going, my boy,” said N. B. Clarke to a brother 
 professional who entered the dying man’s apartment just as 
 the physician departed : “I am going.” 
 
 “Nonsense!” was the reply. “You’re good for many 
 years yet.” 
 
 “Ami? You think so, do you? Last night my wife 
 had three lights burning in this room, — three lights,” he 
 repeated faintly, “ and that means — death.’ 
 
 A few hours after that, surely enough, death rang down 
 his life-curtain upon the last scene of all. 
 
 Edmund Kean once wrote from London to a friend in 
 Dublin: “I am glad you do not believe in such omens. 
 
 For my part, I scarcely know whether I should or not, 
 were I the victim of such nightmares. I never had but one 
 such dream, and that was on the night poor B. died. It 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 9 
 
 seemed not unnatural that he should come to me in my 
 sleep, attired in his grave-clothes, the more readily when 
 you know that I had been thinking of his deplorable con- 
 dition an hour before I slept. I had fallen asleep at 11 
 o’clock, on my mantel shelf, and I awoke half an hour 
 after. In that brief space I had the dream, and in that 
 hour, almost to the moment, B., as I next day learned, died. 
 Was that his spirit — that shrouded form — or my imagina- 
 tion? I leave you to solve the question.” 
 
 To Macready the sight of the toad in his dreams gave 
 him more nervous anxiety for hours after than could “the 
 substance of ten thousand men armed in proof, and led by 
 shallow Riohmondy One day, at a Drury Lane rehearsal, 
 Mr. Byder said to the great tragedian : 
 
 “Mr. Macready, I had a queer dream last night — very 
 
 queer — I saw sitting on a huge rock a ’ ’ 
 
 “Great God! — ah — a — a toad ?” exclaimed Macready, 
 paling at the very thought ot it. 
 
 “Toad — no, a pair of gigantic bull-frogs doing the fen- 
 cing-scene in ‘ Hamlet.’ ” 
 
 The great interpreter of Lear turned away in disgust at 
 the overtopping of his toad omen. 
 
 David Garrick regarded the appearance of a sword or 
 knives in a dream, as an omen of impending danger. 
 
 A week or two before his death, George Frederick 
 Cooke had a “ distempered vision ” of a scene in “Bi chard 
 III.,” — the scene in which the coffin of the dead king is 
 brought on. He thought, as he in the dream uttered the 
 lines, “Stay, you that bear the corpse,” etc., that there 
 suddenly appeared on the black velvet pall, in white letters, 
 his own name. It is possible, however, that Cooke’s vision 
 may have been the result of an over-feasting and a suj)er- 
 fluity of “great draughts of Bhenish ” or otlier equally 
 potent spirit at the old Shades, in Thames street, which,- in 
 
10 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 his time, was the resort of all “ good fellows and true ” of 
 the town. Poor Cooke. He lies quiet enough now in the 
 old churchyard on Yesey street and Broadway. 
 
 Lucille Western had something of faith in the weird 
 signs and forerunners that come when least expected 
 “from out the vague and boundless dreamland.” She once 
 informed an intimate friend that she knew, a month before 
 the sad event occurred, that her sister Helen, when play- 
 ing in Philadelphia, was soon to die, or meet with some 
 fearful accident. 
 
 “I saw the whole scene of her death — the room, the 
 persons at the bedside, the very color of the walls, the posi- 
 tion of the windows, and her face as she lifted up her head 
 for the last time — I saw it all, and I shall never forget that 
 dream and its fearful realization as long as I live.” 
 
 “If you ever stumble the first time you enter the theatre 
 in which you are engaged, you can make up your mind 
 either your stay will be short or you’ll have trouble,” said 
 a veteran comedian, the other evening. “You may laugh 
 as much as you like at it, but it’s so ; and a trip on the car- 
 pet while you’re on the stage means — well, it means more 
 than a fall or a bruised knee in trying to save yourself. 
 You remember Amy Fawcett? She stumbled on her first 
 entrance the first night she played at the Fifth Avenue, and 
 in three months she died almost friendless and forsaken. 
 
 Goose-Bone Weather Predictions. 
 
 The goose-bone is more closely watched in Kentucky, 
 says the Louisville Commercial^ than in any other part of 
 the country. It has been handed down among the early 
 traditions of the State, and may be called the Kentucky 
 weather-prophet. It is to be found in nearly every Ken- 
 tucky country-home, and in many parts of the State the 
 
SIAETLING STORIES. 
 
 11 
 
 farmers consult it, and prepare for handling their crops in 
 accordance with its readings. The prophecy of the goose- 
 bone does not extend beyond the year in which the goose 
 was hatched, and the prediction is for the three winter 
 months only. Take the breast-bone of a last spring’s goose 
 and divide it into three equal parts, and the different 
 divisions will represent December, January and February. 
 The breast-bone of a goose is translucent, and, if clear when 
 held up to the light, the weather will be mild and pleasant; 
 but, if covered with cloud-like blots, it will be gloomy and 
 cold ; the heavier the blots, the colder will be the weather. 
 
 A Remarkable Blind Man. 
 
 James Goodsell, of Burlington, says the Waterbury 
 American^ from his birth, during a life of nearly 90 years, 
 had been totally blind. In early childhood, however, Mr. 
 Goodsell had said that the darkness was in a few instances 
 broken by faint glimmerings of light. Of four children, 
 he and a sister were blind, the others could see. The sister, 
 though at first possessed of ordinary vision, soon by a mys- 
 terious change, became wholly deprived of sight. 
 
 In absolute darkness, the ordinary employment of work- 
 a-day life would seem impracticable, but this blind man 
 would swing an ax with the dexterity of a woodsman, and 
 actually felled trees ; he was an accomplished grain-thresher, 
 and would frequently go alone a distance of two miles to 
 thresh for the Burlington farmers, climbing the mows to 
 throw down the grain ; he could hoe corn or garden stuff 
 as well as anybody, having no trouble to distinguish the 
 weeds; he would set a hundred bean poles with more 
 accuracy than most people who can see, would load hay 
 beautifully, and was so good a mechanic that he manufac- 
 
12 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 tured yokes and other fiirin articles with success. He had 
 an excellent memory and was an authority on facts and 
 dates. He could generally tell the time of day or night 
 within a few minutes. 
 
 One instance is given when he slept over one day and 
 awoke at evening, thinking it was morning. For once he 
 ate supper for breakfast, but when informed of his mistake 
 slept another twelve hours in order to get straight again. 
 He was familiar with forest trees, and knew just where to 
 go for any timber desired. He could direct men where to 
 find a chestnut, a maple or an oak, and the children where 
 to go for berries. He was a good mathematician, and could 
 compute accurately and rapidly. In olden days he was 
 quite musically inclined, and like most blind people, he had 
 a genius in that direction. He was at one time leader of 
 the Presbyterian choir in that place. For two years he and 
 the blind sister kept house together, though she and the 
 other members of the family have long since passed away. 
 
 Singular Ideas of the Cross. 
 
 In the west of England, says All the Year Bound, there 
 is a tradition that the cross was formed of the mistletoe, 
 which before that event used to be a fine forest tree, but 
 has since been doomed to lead a parasitical existence. The 
 Gypsies believe that it was made of the ash tree. The 
 nails used at the crucifixion, said to have been found by 
 Helena, are reported to have worked many miracles. One 
 of them was thrown by her into the Adriatic during a 
 storm, and produced a perfect calm. Another, placed in 
 the crown or helm of Constantine, was found in a mutilated 
 state in the Church of Santa Croce. The third is said to 
 be in the possession of the Duemo of Milan, while that of 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 13 
 
 Treves claims the fourth. In the time of Charlemagne a 
 new relic was discovered in the shape of a sponge soaked 
 in the blood of Christ. In Cheshire the Arum maculatum 
 is called “Gethsemane” because it is said to have been 
 growing at the foot of the cross, and to have received some 
 drops of blood on its petals. The dirpe of Mamre died at 
 the crucifixion! ‘‘Christ’s thorn” is a very common tree 
 in Palestine. In Scotland it was formerly believed that the 
 dwarf birch is stunted in growth because the rods with 
 which Christ was scourged were made from it. These are 
 the popular ideas of the material of the cross, some of 
 which will, perhaps, never be entirely obliterated until the 
 last great day, when “all things shall be made plain.” 
 
 A Singular Congregation in an Old Church. 
 
 It is four o’clock, and the sun begins to lower, so that its 
 slant rays peer in through the windows of the old church 
 in a quiet hamlet of Old Yirginia, broken by the shadows 
 of the cottonwood trees beside it, that have stood there 
 half a century. 
 
 There is still a lazy chirp and busy whirr of bird and in- 
 sect, mingled with the sound of the tiny stream that tinkles 
 over the stones, telling in its garrulous way a long, long 
 tale to all the fiowers adown the valley. 
 
 But inside the widely opened door one sees no orderly 
 congregation of worshipers, no man of God in the high, 
 old-fashioned pulpit, nor hears the sound of solemn psalm 
 or holy chant. In the square pew where the De Lacys 
 were wont to sit for generations gone, are boards and blan- 
 kets laid across, supporting wounded — nay, dying men. 
 In yonder slip, where the bright eyes of Lily Mason used 
 to wander sadly from the speaker, lies a lonely German, 
 
u 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 muttering in his troubled dreams the visions of his father- 
 land, which he shall never see again. 
 
 In the pew where General Yj'se was wont to sit a rest- 
 less hour or two on Sabbath days, lies his college chum 
 with a bullet in his shoulder from General Yjse’s gun ; but 
 he does not know, thank Heaven, whose hand among the 
 Confederates sent it there. Within the altar railing lie 
 moaning men with aching limbs and fevered wounds. In 
 the pulpit sit the surgeons, preparing draught and lotion, 
 knife and bandage, for their work. On the steps loiter one 
 or two who have walked through the shadow of the valley, 
 and wear its solemn grayness on their faces still. 
 
 Startling Freaks of Figures*. 
 
 In its facetious manner the Norristown Herald says : 
 
 “Figures won’t lie,” says the poet — whose name has 
 slipped our memory. Perhaps not; but sometimes they 
 make most remarkable statements and stand up to their 
 work in such a shaky manner that our confidence in their 
 veracity is greatly shaken. 
 
 A good multiplication-table-wrestler will pile up column 
 after column of figures to prove that the defeat of his po- 
 litical candidate this year by 15,000 majority against 8,000 
 last year is a gain for his side of 7,000 votes. 
 
 If such curious ciphering doesn’t create a strong suspi- 
 cion that the figures lie like the annual statement of a New 
 York life-insurance company, it at least leaves an impres- 
 sion that they are weak in the limbs, — and often cut a 
 pretty figure, figuratively speaking. 
 
 The man who has the multiplication table at his fingers^ 
 ends, and can foot up a column of figures six inches high 
 and two broad as quick as you could pronounce half of a 
 
STARTLING- STORIES. 
 
 15 
 
 name of a Kussian General, is a serpent in the social circle, 
 — a sort of a boa, or bore, or, — well, he’s an adder any- 
 how. He is as great a nuisance as the indefatigable bore 
 who propounds such questions as this: “Suppose your 
 mother’s daughter married your grandfather’s nephew on 
 your uncle’s side, what relation would their children be to 
 your aunt’s step-mother?” — or somehow that way. You 
 probably have met such bores. 
 
 The multiplication- table man, at the risk of his life, will 
 tell you 9 multiplied 387,420,489 times by itself would re- 
 quire 389,693,100 ciphers, and to count it, working ten 
 hours daily, would take 15 years and 230 days. And then 
 you heave a sigh a mile long and wish with all your might 
 that he would go oif somewhere by himself and work out 
 the problem. If to perform this arithmetical task required 
 only five years and no days, we don’t suppose one of the 
 adder’s hearer’s would go to work at the job. 
 
 The inventor of the game of che«s was bade by the King 
 of India to name his own reward, upon which he asked to 
 receive the number of grains of wneat that would be pro- 
 duced if one grain were paid him for the first square of 
 the chess, two for the second, four for the third, eight for 
 the fourth, and so on doubled up for every square of the 
 sixty-four. When these amounts were added the sum was 
 found to be 18,446,744,073,909,551,615 of grains, “enough 
 to cover all the continents of the earth with a layer one- 
 third of an inch in thickness. ’ ’ 
 
 The name of the party who counted the grains is not 
 given, but it is highly probable that he stopped count- 
 ing at the expiration of the ninety- seventh year, and 
 wearily exclaiming, “ ’Tis wheat to be remembered,” 
 guessed at the number remaining. History doesn’t say so, 
 but it must have gone against the grain of the King 
 to fulfill his promise. The whole story, however, sounds 
 
■».» \ 
 
 
 16 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 like a campaign lie, invented by the inventor for some sin- 
 ister purpose. 
 
 Light, according to Prof. Somebody, travels 192,000 
 miles a second. This is much faster than the defaulting 
 President of a saving-bank travels, lie prefers darkness 
 when he goes, and travels at the rate of thirty miles an 
 hour, but regrets that he can’t make as good time as light. 
 
 Another figure-twister says that if one cent were set out 
 at compound interest in the year 1 at per cent., the 1st 
 of January, 1866, it would amount to 1 quintillion 201,458 
 quadrillions 392 trillions of millions. 
 
 A cent is a very small sum, and we all might set out that 
 amount at compound interest for the benefit of our posteri- 
 ty eighteen hundred and sixty years hence. But some per- 
 sons persistently refuse to do anything for posterity, simply 
 because posterity has never done anything for them ! 
 
 The same authority further declares that if we paid the 
 Tax Collector the amount above mentioned in silver he 
 would need 3,003,445,000,000,000,000,000 wagons for its 
 transportation. 
 
 When you owe that much taxes, therefore, you had bet- 
 ter pay the collector in greenbacks or checks, for — to quote 
 the Professor aforesaid — “a robbery could be committed 
 on the hindmost wagon which would not be discovered till 
 the 24, 780th generation of tax collectors.” 
 
 Hence the tax gleaner, to save his reputation and money, 
 and prevent being removed to make room for a man be- 
 longing to the opposite political party, would be compelled 
 to employ a force larger than the United States army be- 
 fore it was cut down to 10,000 men to please Mr. Dana of 
 the Kew York Sun^ to travel along with the wagon train 
 to protect it from the depredations of road agents — especial- 
 ly if he was going in the direction of the Black Hills. 
 
 This sum of money, we are also informed, distributed 
 
LIBRARY- 
 
 UNIVERSny OF ilLlNOlS 
 URBANA' 
 
r'THC^ 
 
 
 • ! 
 
 i ' 
 
 41 
 
 
 i 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 17 
 
 among the people of the earth, would give each of its 
 1,000,000,000 of inhabitants about 1,200 trillions of dollars, 
 and he or she could every second use $2,000,000 for 38,- 
 
 096.000 years without reaching the bottom of his or her 
 purse ? 
 
 But who wants to spend that much money in that many 
 years ? Better give some of it to the poor — though, by the 
 way, come to think of it, there would be no poor to receive 
 it. Such a distribution, moreover, would not make things 
 as pleasant for us as at first sight appears. If everybody 
 had an endless purse for 38,096,000 years, nobody could 
 be induced to do any work, and we should all be obliged 
 to make our own shirts, and trousers, and things. The 
 only alternative would be to go without clothes and join the 
 Lydia Thompson ballet troupe. 
 
 Let us remark, parenthetically, that while writing of 
 these colossal sums of money we become totally oblivious 
 to the hard, sad fact that our own salary is under $28,000 
 a year. 
 
 Twenty-four letters of the alphabet can be changed 
 
 620.448.401.733.239.439.360.000 of times, all of which 
 changes could not be written by the population of the whole 
 world in 1,000 years. 
 
 A party named Euler says so. 
 
 How he discovered the remarkable fact is not stated. 
 
 We rather surmise that Mr. Euler would feel deepl}’’ 
 chagrined if the entire population of the earth were to set 
 to work and write out all these changes in one-half the time 
 he says it would require to perform the task, and thus 
 knock over his astounding calculations. 
 
 Again, we are told that twelve persons can interchange 
 their respective positions 499,001,600 times; but it would 
 take them not less than 1,848 years to accomplish this 
 number of changes, if they moved once every minute for 
 
18 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 twelve consecutive hours daily. If any twelve of our read- 
 ers doubt the correctness of this statement, they should get 
 together and try the experiment. If they perform the task 
 in less time than 1,818 years they will please notify us by 
 postal card. 
 
 Card-players who have a run of poor cards may be in- 
 terested to know that the fifty-two cards, with thirteen to 
 each of the four players, can be distributed in 53, Gil, 737,- 
 756,188,792,839,237,110,000 different ways. So if the play- 
 er doesn’t get a good hand the first deal, he may be more 
 successful on the forty-seventh quintillion shuffle, if not 
 sooner. This should encourage him to keep his spirits up. 
 
 The Future of the Republic. 
 
 ONE THOUSAND MILLION POPULATION IN 1980. 
 
 Says the London Telegraph: IVhen, in 177G, the thir- 
 teen N’orth American colonies put forth that Declaration of 
 Independence which preluded the birth of a nation, the 
 combined white population inhabiting them did not exceed 
 
 2.500.000. Yet they had the courage to throw down the 
 gage of battle to a power “with which,” in Daniel Web- 
 ster’s words, “for purposes of foreign conquest and subju- 
 gation, Rome, in the height of her glory, was not to be 
 compared ; a power which has dotted over the surface of 
 the whole globe with her possessions and military posts, 
 whose morning drum-beat, following the sun and keeping 
 company with the hours, circles the earth with one contin- 
 uous and unbroken strain of martial airs of England.” 
 Fourteen years later came, in 1790, the first census of pop- 
 ulation taken in the United States, and it was found that 
 within the borders of the young nation there were not quite 
 
 1.000. 000 souls. At the expiration of ten years it appeared, 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 19 
 
 upon taking the second census, that the population was a 
 little more than 5,250,000, having increased between 1790 
 and 1800 at the rate of 35 per cent. In a short time the 
 tenth census of what has long been a mighty people will 
 be taken, and we risk little in saying that, in Joseph Hume’s 
 phrase, “the tottle of the whole” will show a population 
 of at least 50,000,000, especially if the immigrants who are 
 now pouring into the United States in vast numbers are not 
 omitted from the calculation. In other words, the popula- 
 tion of the great Eepublic in 1880 will be their population 
 in 1776 multiplied by twenty, and were it likely that the 
 same ratio of increase could bo maintained for another cen- 
 tury, the mind of man would sink before the effort of 
 imagining what it is possible for the monster Republic to 
 be in 1980. However boundless the resources of the North 
 American continent may be, it can hardly be expected 
 that the second century of the United States will be cele- 
 brated by a thousand million human beings, and yet such 
 would be the result of multiplying fifty millions by twenty. 
 Anyhow it is certain that a century hence no such assem- 
 blage of men speaking the same language and amenable to 
 the same general traditions of feeling, habit and education, 
 will ever have been gathered together upon earth as will 
 then propably occupy the great Western Continent. 
 
 A Shower of Lightning. 
 
 A STRANGE ELECTRICAL PHENOMENON. 
 
 A remarkable electrical phenomenon, says the London 
 Times^ occurred recently at Clarens. Heavy masses of 
 rain-cloud hid from view the mountains which separate Fri- 
 bourg from Montreaux, but their summits were from time 
 to time lit up with vivid flashes of lightning, and a heavy 
 thunder-storm seemed to be raging in the valleys of the 
 
20 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 Avants and the Allizal. No rain was falling near the lake, 
 and the storm still appeared far otf, when a tremendous 
 peal of thunder shook the houses of Clarens and Tavel to 
 their foundations. At the same instant a magnificent 
 cherry tree near the cemetery, measuring a meter in cir- 
 cumference, was struck by lightning. Some people who 
 were working in a vineyard close by saw the electric fluid 
 play about a little girl who had been gathering cherries, 
 and was already thirty paces from the tree. She was lit- 
 erally folded in a sheet of fire. The vine-dressers fled in 
 terror from the spot. In the cemetery six persons sep- 
 arated into three groups, none of them within two hundred 
 and fifty paces of the cherry tree, were enveloped in a 
 luminous cloud. The}" felt as if they were being struck in 
 the face with hailstones or fine gravel, and when they 
 touched each other sparks of electricity passed from their 
 finger-ends. At the same time a column of fire was seen 
 to descend in the direction of Chatelard, and it is averred 
 that the electric fluid could be distinctly heard as it ran 
 from point to point of the iron railing of a vault in the 
 •cemetery. 
 
 The strangest part of the story is, that neither the little 
 girl, the people in the cemetery, nor the vine-dressers ap- 
 pear to have been hurt ; the only inconvenience complained 
 of being an unpleasant sensation in the joints, as if they 
 had been violently twisted, a sensation which was felt with 
 more or less acuteness for a few hours after. The explana- 
 tion of this phenomenon is probably to be found in Prof. 
 Oolladon’s theory of the way in which lightning descends, 
 as described in a letter on the efiect of lightning on trees, 
 printed in the London Time&. The professor contends 
 that it falls in a shower, not in a perpendicular flash, and 
 that it runs along branches of trees until it is all gathered 
 in the trunk, which it bursts or tears open in its effort to 
 
SIAKTLING STOKIES. 
 
 21 
 
 reach the ground. In the instance in question, the trunk 
 of the cherry tree is as completely shivered as if it had 
 been exploded by a charge of dynamite. A part of tlie 
 shower which destroyed the tree fell where the little girl 
 was standing, but, distributed over the grass, left her un- 
 harmed, and was so disseminated in the cemetery that the 
 six persons upon whom the electric rain descended escaped 
 without serious injury. 
 
 A Funeral Without a Corpse. 
 
 “Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, with the part of Hamlet 
 omitted by particular desire,” would scarcely be a more 
 remarkable performance than a burial from which the corpse 
 had been “left out” by mistake. Such inattention to de- 
 tail on the part of all concerned in the ceremony of sepul- 
 ture, as is involved in the latter omission, appears almost 
 incredible. ^Nevertheless, a strange story, published in the 
 leading Italian newspapers, gives an example of this sin- 
 gular anomaly. 
 
 It is stated that a native of Bossito, Lombardy, lately 
 suffered bereavement by the death of his wife, and his 
 grief for the departed was so poignant that his relatives 
 deemed it expedient to prevent him from being present at 
 the final preparations for the funeral ceremony, and from 
 assisting in person at its celebration. Beturning to his 
 house late in the evening after the burial, and entering his 
 bed-room, he found to his horror and consternation the life- 
 less form of his wife, robed in its death cerements, reclining 
 on the bier, and still awaiting interment. The widower 
 rushed into the street, and lost no time in notifying what 
 he had seen to the police authorities, wlio at first inclined 
 to the opinion that sorrow had turned his brain. On ac- 
 companying him home, however, tliey soon convinced 
 
22 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 themselves that his extraordinary statement was in every 
 particular correct. Inquiries were forthwith instituted, and 
 resulted in the amazing* discovery that the village under- 
 taker had “forgotten all about the corpse,” and had nailed 
 up an empty coffin, which had been subsequently conveyed 
 and consigned to the grave with due religious ceremony 
 and sorrowful observance. 
 
 A Peruvian Experience. — What a Baby Letter Did. 
 
 A San Francisco gentleman, who was some time since in 
 South America, having occasion to go from Valparaiso to 
 Tacna, Peru, on legitimate private business, was arrested 
 upon suspicion of being a Chilian spy. Being anxious to 
 penetrate into Bolivia, and unable to obtain a passport, he 
 ran the Chilian blockade from Iquique, and arrived in Tacna 
 with little baggage, carrying in his pockets some business 
 and family correspondence and family photographs. One 
 of these home letters contained the painted head of a paper 
 doll, sent to him by his two-year-old boy, and a funny let- 
 ter, scrawled in unmeaning hieroglyphics by the same baby 
 hands. These mementoes were viewed with great suspi- 
 cion by the officials, and deemed quite sufficient to justify 
 his being shot. 
 
 lie was incarcerated in a dungeon, guarded by two senti- 
 nals, and kept for the first three' days without food. In the 
 course of a few days every Chilian in the province was 
 arrested, and as the families of the prisoners were allowed 
 to visit them, the American managed to smuggle a letter to 
 a prominent merchant of the place, a Mr. Camerery^ of the 
 firm of Camerery & Koch, to whom he had brought letters 
 of introduction. This gentleman finally succeeded, at the 
 expiration of three weeks, in obtaining his release. His 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 23 
 
 confiscated possessions were returned to him, with the 
 exception of the mementoes described, which will probablj 
 occupy important places in Peruvian annals, to the surprise 
 of the little fellow who sent them. 
 
 The prisoner was discharged by the authorities with con- 
 siderable reluctance, a fact perhaps in part due to his man- 
 ner of reception of their courtesies. Even the three days’ 
 starving did not tame him, for when they sounded him, at 
 the end of that time, to see whether he was ready to come 
 to terms, and yield the key to the mysterious cipher, he 
 told them he would acknowledge he was hungry, and in- 
 formed them that if they would roast their Prefect or Gen- 
 eral Montero, he would gladly eat them, and the act might 
 make him a civilized Peruano. 
 
 “The Avenger of Mankind.” 
 
 A GENUINE TRAGEDY ON THE STAGE. 
 
 A terrible scene took place in the Teatro del Circo Lt 
 Madrid. During the performance a madman forced his way 
 into the house, armed with a hatchet, and contrived to climb 
 from the auditorium upon the stage, where, brandishing his 
 weapon furiously, he announced himself to the terrified 
 audience as “the avenger of mankind.” Upon one of the 
 attendants approaching him with the object of persuading 
 him to withdraw from the stage, he smote the unfortunate 
 man to the earth with one deadly blow ; and he managed 
 to keep the police off, when they attempted to arrest him, 
 by whirling his hatchet round his head with such force and 
 swiftness that none of the “agents of authority” dared to 
 rush in upon him. Presently, however, a party of soldiers 
 made their appearance in the theatre, under the command 
 of an officer, who summoned the raging maniac to give up 
 
24 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 his weapon and surrender himself, but in vain; whereupon 
 the detachment received orders to fire at him with blank 
 cartridge, in the hope of frightening him into submission. 
 All this while he was yelling at the top of his voice, fiour- 
 ishing his hatchet, and threatening to kill anybody who 
 should approach him. Recognizing the impossibility of 
 overpowering him without risking the soldiers’ lives, the 
 officer in command gave the order to load with ball and fire 
 upon him. A minute later the wretched man lay a corpse 
 upon the stage, three bullets having passed through his 
 head ; and this highly sensational dramatic episode having 
 been thus brought to a close, the audience returned to their 
 places, from which they had fled in terror when the mad- 
 man made his first and last appearance upon the stage, 
 and the evening’s performances were resumed at the point 
 at which they had been interrupted by “mankind’s 
 avenger.” 
 
 Superstition Among German Soldiers. 
 
 Dr. Russ tells a story of an Hungarian officer who was 
 severely, though by no means fatally, wounded on the field 
 of Sadowa. He was fast bleeding to death, however, when 
 the surgeon came to him, but might have been saved had 
 he not obstinately refused all aid. The surgeon noticed 
 that he held something very tightly in his hand, which he 
 pressed convulsively to his breast. 
 
 Presently he began to tremble very violently, and crying 
 out, “It has done me no good !” threw away a piece of 
 paper, and then expired. 
 
 The paper was found to be a talisman, bearing some 
 written characters which were quite unintelligible. The 
 poor fellow trusted in its supernatural power until aid by 
 
STAETLING- STOKIES. 25 > 
 
 natural means was out of the question, and then cast it 
 away with a pang of despair. 
 
 Many a similar agonizing discovery was made during the 
 war of 1870-Yl, too late for the learner to profit by the ex- 
 perience. After the battle of Worth in particular, a great 
 number of talismans, charms, and the like, were picked up 
 close to the corpses of those who had clung to them until, 
 in their last agony, they had lost faith in their healing 
 virtue, and had flung them away. It must not be supposed, 
 however, that the German soldier as a class is given to this 
 kind of superstition. It was found on investigation that 
 there was a close relation between education and the ex- 
 istence of these beliefs. The provinces which were in the 
 lowest state as regards education, gave the largest contin- 
 gent of those who were thus credulous. Talismans, charms, 
 letters of exemptions, etc., were found in the largest propor- 
 tion among recruits from the Polish provinces, and in those 
 provinces education is at the lowest point . — All the Year 
 Round. 
 
 How the White Man Gained Everything. 
 
 The Kaffir cosmogony says that three nations were cre- 
 ated — the Whites, the Amacosa and the Amalouw. They 
 assembled before Teco, the Creator, to receive his bounty. 
 A honey-bird drew off the Hottentots in full cry. Teco, in 
 wrath, condemned them to exist on wild roots and honey- 
 bees, and possess no stock whatever. The Kaffirs eagerly 
 claimed this one and that one from out of the herds of 
 cattle. Teco, indignant at their greediness, said they sliould 
 have no better gifts. The Wliites, patiently waited till 
 they had received land, cattle and all other property. Such 
 is the narrative of the Cape. 
 
26 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 How to Spell Isaac. 
 
 Mr. Isaac Staples, of Stillwater, Minn., is a lumber 
 dealer who has had an extensive correspondence. Ilis 
 bookkeeper has made a memorandum of the fact every 
 time the given name of Mr. Staples has been misspelled in 
 a letter addressed to him. The correspondence has already 
 yielded the following fifty erroneous spellings, which will 
 be read with delight by the spelling reformers : 
 
 Isiac, 
 
 Isic, 
 
 Iceic, 
 
 Isick, 
 
 Icaac, 
 
 lisac. 
 
 Isiaac, 
 
 Isaas, 
 
 Issacc, 
 
 Icaace, 
 
 Icaack, 
 
 Isaacce, 
 
 Isica, 
 
 Isaace, 
 
 I Sick, 
 
 Iseac, 
 
 Icaas, 
 
 laac, 
 
 Iseke, 
 
 Isich, 
 
 Isac, 
 
 Icks, 
 
 lassac. 
 
 Issick, 
 
 Jsaac, 
 
 Isaag, 
 
 laasic. 
 
 Izk, 
 
 Isaak, 
 
 Issac, 
 
 Izic, 
 
 Aisec, 
 
 I Sic, 
 
 lisace. 
 
 Isace, 
 
 Isiace, 
 
 Isaar, 
 
 Issach, 
 
 Isic, 
 
 Isoac, 
 
 Icac, 
 
 laasac. 
 
 Isaack, 
 
 Isak, 
 
 Isice, 
 
 Isach, 
 
 Isaach, 
 
 . Isac, 
 
 Isaack, 
 
 Isaic. 
 
 Extemporizing in the Pulpit. 
 amusing incidents where great preachers failed. 
 
 They make a great mistake who suppose that extempore 
 preaching has been the law with all great preachers ; in 
 fact, we may almost go so far as to say the reverse has been 
 the case. Extemporizing will often be exposed to difficul- 
 ties which only a very honest mind can overcome and make 
 the best of. "When Father Taylor, the American preacher, 
 once lost himself and became bewildered in the course of 
 his sermon, he extricated himself by the exclamation : “I 
 have lost the track of the nominative case, my brethren, 
 but one thing I know, I am bound for the kingdom I” and 
 
SIARTLING STORIES. 
 
 27 
 
 the frankness of such a confession would be sure to save 
 him from suffering in the esteem of his audience. But the 
 more stately and dignified masters, it is very obvious, can 
 not deliver themselves in that way. 
 
 The most singular instance of this kind in our memory 
 is the case of a very distinguished man to whom we loved 
 to listen in our boyhood, a preacher with a wonderful com- 
 mand over every faculty that could give brilliancy or beauty 
 to pulpit exercises. lie always preached without notes, 
 and always broke his discourses into divisions ; but once, 
 to our amazement and that of the congregation, having 
 traveled through, so far as we remember, two departments 
 of the discourse, he caught himself up and said, “I — I 
 forget the third division!” He turned around to the organ- 
 ist. “Organist, strike up a verse.” He gave out a line 
 of a hymn, and while the organ was playing and the peo- 
 ple singing, he leaned in deep thought over the pulpit ; the 
 singing over, he announced the missing link. “But,” said 
 he, “is not that singular?” and he proceeded to show how 
 it was that he had lost it, and how he found it — proceeded, 
 in a really enchanting way, to talk upon the law of associa- 
 tion of ideas and the mystery and marvels of retentiveness 
 and memory as proof of the immateriality and immortality 
 of the soul, until the time was gone, and we really had no 
 more of the sermon after all. 
 
 A similar anecdote has often been told of the late Thomas 
 Binney. Dr. Harris, the author of “Mammon,” had 
 begged his services for some anniversary, and Binney de- 
 clared his utter inability to prepare a sermon — in those 
 days he was a strictly extempore speaker. It was urged, 
 “ Oh, come and preach such and such a sermon ; that is 
 ready to your mind!” And so Mr. Binney promised that 
 he would take the service; but he also, having got through 
 two heads of the discourse, became bewildered. “Thirdly 
 
28 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 — thirdly — P ve forgotten what was thirdly !” he said ; and 
 he looked over the pulpit to where Dr. Harris was sitting. 
 “Brother Harris, what was thirdly ?” Harris looked up 
 and said: “So and so.” “Exactly,” said the discomfited 
 preacher, who pursued his way with ease and happiness to 
 the close. 
 
 A Couple of Eggs which Sold for a Thousand Dollars. 
 
 If the sale of curiosities, says the London Telegraphy 
 which took place in London recently be any criterion, the 
 great auk has been very badly advised in ceasing its peri- 
 odical visits to the North of Scotland. Asa foreign trav- 
 eler that gentle bird was at one time somewhat of a cel- 
 ebrity. When tired of diving for lump-fish in the northern 
 seas, or possibly precluded from doing so by the phenom- 
 enon known as ice, he would make a trip to such southern 
 latitudes as Greenland, Norway, Spitzbcrgen, and the ex- 
 treme north of Great Britain, occasionally accompanied by 
 his spouse, who, by way of a souvenir, would lay an egg 
 in some cleft above high water. Two such memorials of 
 visits have, indeed, just passed under the auctioneer’s ham- 
 mer, one selling for £100, while the other actually fetched 
 102 guineas, the fortunate buyer being Lord Lilford. Why, 
 with these facts before him, the great auk stays away, it 
 might, indeed, be hard to understand. A bird that can 
 lay such golden eggs as these, should lose no time in swim- 
 ming — for it cannot fly — to the best markets. One difii- 
 culty only presents itself in the matter, and that certainly 
 is formidable. The great auk has, it is feared, suddenly 
 become extinct. If that be so, its eggs are certainly worth 
 all that they have fetched, as no more will be found in 
 Scotland or elsewhere. 
 
STAETLING STOKIES. 
 
 29 
 
 Strange Verification of a Dream. 
 
 Mrs. Elizabeth Main waring lives at Sandusky, O. Her 
 husband who is a large manufacturer and dealer in tin and 
 japanned ware, not long since started on a collecting tour 
 among his country customers, accompanied by his son 
 Enoch, a young man of twenty, in delicate health. They 
 were in a spring-wagon, as most of their custom lay among 
 the small towns and villages off the line of the railroads. 
 
 On the third night after their departure, Mrs. Mainwar- 
 ing awoke her eldest daughter, who was sleeping with her, 
 as well as her mother, Mrs. Dougherty, who occupied an 
 adjoining room, and told them of a terrible dream she had 
 just had, and which she feared was a mysterious reflection 
 on her mind of an actual occurrence. At the same time 
 she directed their attention to the fact that she had 
 awakened out of her dream at precisely flve minutes past 
 eleven, when the clock over the mantel-piece had suddenly 
 stopped at that point. She dreamed that she saw her hus- 
 band and son driving over a wild and wood-bordered road 
 in the night, and she somehow received the impression that 
 it was in the neighborhood of Toledo, O. She could hear 
 them talking of a large sum of money they had with them, 
 as the result of successful collections, and at the same time 
 she could see ahead four men lurking at the roadside for 
 the purpose of waylaying them The dreamer tried to 
 warn the dear ones of their danger, but was restrained by 
 the strange inability to move or speak — that is a charac- 
 teristic of the nightmare. She could only look and see, 
 and that with terrible distinctness. And she presently saw 
 them halted and attacked by the four villains. Many shots 
 were exchanged, and she saw her son fall in the bed of the 
 wagon at the flrst fire; but her husband, who was a very 
 powerful and fearless man, made such a stout resistance 
 with his revolver that one of his assailants was killed, and 
 

 30 STAKTLING STORIES. 
 
 the others fled into the woods, two of them badly wounded. 
 She then saw her husband whip his horses into a gallop 
 until he reached the open, moonlit prairie, where he made 
 a halt, raised the body of his son in his arms, and, after 
 feeling of the heart, he exclaimed in a voice of bitter dis- 
 tress: “My God! he is dead. What will his poor mother 
 say?” 
 
 Then she awoke. Mrs. Mainwaring was so excited over 
 her dream that she could not sleep any more during the 
 night, though her mother and daughter laughed at her 
 fears, and did their utmost to reassure her. 
 
 On the following morning she received a telegram from 
 her husband, at Toledo, conveying the sad intelligence 
 that Enoch had been killed in an attack that was made 
 upon the pair by robber-tramps on the previous night, four 
 miles out of Toledo. Mr. Mainwaring returned home on 
 the evening of the same day, with the body of his son, 
 and his subsequent detailed account of the fatal encounter 
 verified his wife’s dream in every particular. More than 
 this, his watch had received such injury during the struggle 
 that the main-spring had broken and the works came to a 
 stop at precisely five minutes past eleven, the exact moment 
 that the clock had stopped over the mantel-piece. 
 
 One Man Killed Four Panthers in Two Hours. 
 
 Mr. Haugh, says an Oregon paper, who lives near Scott’s 
 mills, started for Beaver lake to get some cedar timber. lie 
 had along a large-bored rifle, a little rat-terrier and a rather 
 large dog of part Newfoundland breed. After leaving the 
 main road and getting to an almost blind road, he saw a 
 panther cross the road ahead of him. He stopped the 
 team, tied them to a small tree and followed the dogs, who 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 31 
 
 had succeeded in treeing the panther in a very short time. 
 It was on a large oak tree, about thirty feet from the 
 ground, and growling savagely. Mr. Haugh fell back a 
 short distance in order to get a rest shot, tired, and the 
 beast fell dead to the ground, having made a spring which 
 brought him about fifteen or twenty feet from the tree. On 
 going back to the wagon the children pointed out another 
 panther, back on the road over which they had passed. 
 On approaching it to get a shot it darted into the brush, 
 followed by the dogs, who succeeded in treeing that one 
 without any difficulty. On following the dogs, Mr. Haugh 
 found it on the large limb of a fir tree, about twenty-five 
 or thirty feet from the ground. Getting a rest on the side 
 of a tree some distance away, he shot this one. At the 
 crack of the gun the panther jumped from the tree and 
 was followed by the dogs. On following them it was found 
 dead, about one hundred yards from where it was shot. 
 On approaching the ranch where Mr. S. Huelet once em- 
 barked in the cattle business, he found that the little dog 
 had succeeded in treeing a panther about two-thirds grown. 
 This one was shot dead. Before Mr. Haugh had time to 
 load he heard the big dog barking at something about two 
 hundred yards off down the hillside. On going to where 
 it was, he saw the biggest panther he ever saw — a very 
 large female. She was growling and snapping her teeth at 
 the dogs so much that she formed the most savage picture 
 he had ever seen. It was difficult to get a good shot, but 
 on firing she came down and the limb on which she was 
 with her. As she ran off the dogs followed her, and on 
 coming up with them he saw her on a stump, about twenty- 
 five feet from the ground. Mr. Haugh shot again, but, as 
 no vital spot was struck, it only succeeded in making her 
 growl and lash her tail fiercer than ever. On looking for 
 a bullet Mr. Haugh found that he had only half a bullet 
 
32 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 left, with which he had to make a successful snot or lose 
 his game. His patching was all gone as well, so, tearing 
 ofi part of the lining of his coat, he put it round the bullet 
 and rammed it home. Taking a careful aim he fired. This 
 time he saw the huge beast tumble to the ground to be 
 seized by the dogs. She seized the big dog by the scalp 
 with one paw, and had succeeded in tearing the scalp near- 
 ly off when death put an end to her struggle. The last 
 one, on being measured, was over nine feet long from tip 
 to tip. All the panthers were full-grown, except one, 
 which was only about two-thirds grown. They were all 
 killed within two hours. 
 
 Some Curious Statistics. 
 
 The Boston Transcript says : Allowing two square feet 
 
 to each person, the entire population of Boston could stand 
 on the Public Garden, with a good deal of room to spare. 
 The entire population of the United States could stand in 
 Boston proper (not including Brighton, Dorchester and 
 West Boxbury.) The entire population of the world (now 
 estimated at (1,440,000,000) could stand on the Island of 
 Martha’s Vineyard, or in the space occupied by tlie towns 
 of Boston, Brookline, Newton, Needham, Dedham, Hyde 
 Park and Milton. The State of Massachusetts could in 
 this way accommodate seventy times the present popula- 
 tion of the world. The entire population of the world, 
 placed side by side, and allowing two feet to each person, 
 would encircle the earth twenty times. The States of 
 Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, taken together, are 
 as large as England. Any one of the States of Georgia, 
 Illinois, Iowa and North Carolina are as large as England. 
 Kansas is as large as England and Scotland together. Ire- 
 land is about the size of Maine. France is more than 
 
STAETLING STOEIES. 
 
 33 
 
 twice as large as England, Wales and Scotland together. 
 Texas is thirty-five times as large as Massachusetts, or as 
 large as Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, 
 Khode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Penn- 
 sylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Ohio and Indiana combined. 
 The entire population of the United States could be pro- 
 vided for in the State of Texas, allowing each man, woman 
 and child four acres of land. The entire population of the 
 world could be provided for in the United States, allowing 
 each person one and a half acres of land. 
 
 A Dream Realized. 
 
 About fifteen German miles from Posen there is a town 
 named Peichberg, situated on the River Warte, in which 
 there is a considerable Jewish population, and among these 
 a family of the name of Isaac is one of the most opulent. 
 The foundation of their wealth was owing to the following 
 circumstance, which is authenticated, and a matter of pub- 
 lic notoriety there. 
 
 The head of the family was, many years ago, in a state 
 bordering on absolute poverty, and dreamed several nights 
 consecutively that if he made a journey to Hamburg, he 
 should there learn something of great consequence. This 
 made such an impression on his imagination that he could 
 not drive it out of his mind. He realized some funds and 
 proceeded to Hamburg, where he took up his residence in 
 the house of the reader of the Synagogue, who was in the 
 habit of letting lodgings. After a stay of some weeks, the 
 reader, seeing that his guest had no occupation, and did 
 not seem to have any definite object in view, while liis ap- 
 pearance and demeanor indicated that liis means could be 
 but scanty, inquired what was his object at Hamburg, when 
 
34 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 Isaac related to him the circura stances of bis dream. The 
 reader naturally turned it into ridicule, and added that no 
 sensible man would pay any attention to dreams, much less 
 undertake a long journey on such a wild-goose chase from 
 such a motive. 
 
 ‘‘If I paid attention to dreams,” said the reader, “I 
 should have long since made a journey to Reichberg-am- 
 Warte, for I have dreamed that in a house there, there is 
 buried in the kitchen a dough-trough containing a large 
 sum of money.” 
 
 He then proceeded to describe minutely the situation and 
 appearance of the house and kitchen, and even the furni- 
 ture in the place. The astonishment of Isaac was great at 
 finding it to entirely correspond in every respect with his 
 own residence. He said nothing, but seeming to take the 
 rebuke, he immediately returned home, and on digging in 
 the spot indicated by the reader, he found a trough con- 
 taining a comparatively large sum of money. Every Fri- 
 day, to the present day, the Sabbath bread for the family 
 is kneaded in that trough, which is kept as a precious me- 
 mento. 
 
 Naming Children in China. 
 
 In China the names of children are given according to 
 circumstances associated with the time of their birth. If 
 a child is born at midnight its name may be Midnight; if 
 the season be rainy, the child’s name may be Rain ; if birth 
 occurs on the birthday of some relative, that relative’s age 
 may be the name of the new-born, and so there are names 
 of Thirty, Five, Fifty, One and other numbers. But there 
 are even more curious names. If the parents desired a 
 boy and a girl is born, her name may be Ought-to-be-a-boy. 
 

 SIARTLING STORIES. 35 
 
 Never Whistle in a Coal Shaft. 
 
 A CURIOUS MINING SUPERSTITION. 
 
 A gentleman in Carbondale, Pa., says; “Miners, es- 
 pecially those who have come from foreign countries, and 
 represent a past generation of their class, are given to 
 many superstitious fears. The younger miners — those born 
 in this country, and who have grown up under the influence 
 of its enlightening institutions — do not, as a general thing, 
 share in this superstitious belief, although some of them 
 place as much importance on ‘ signs ’ and ‘ omens ’ of good 
 and evil, as do their more ignorant ancestors. Among 
 the superstitions cherished by miners, is that of whistling 
 in a mine. To whistle in a mine is considered an evil omen. 
 Miners never whistle while at work. Sometimes they sing 
 while toiling in the dark, damp, narrow chamber of the 
 mines, hundreds of feet below the surface, but never loudly, 
 and only plaintive folk songs and ballads that have been 
 crooned over the cradles of generations of their class. It 
 is a singular fact that, despite the peril that constantly be- 
 sets him in the mine, the coal-miner is always cheerful 
 amid it all. Let one who may visit a mine but whistle 
 among the workmen, and the cheerfulness he has noticed 
 as characterizing them will be gone at once. Most all old 
 miners believe that a ‘good luck spirit ’ lurks in every mine, 
 and that at a sound of whistling it flies and leaves the 
 miners at the mercy of the spirit of evil. If ill befalls any 
 of the workmen that day the believers in the superstition 
 ascribe its cause entirely to the frightening away of the 
 good luck spirit by the fatal whistle. 
 
 “In 1840 there was a great mine disaster at this place. 
 Several miners were buried in one of the Delaware and 
 Hudson Canal Company’s mines by a sudden caving-in of 
 the roof. Although the cause of the caving was known to 
 have been a lack of proper support by pillars and timbers. 
 
36 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 at least one old miner, a survivor of the disaster, still living 
 here, has always maintained, and still maintains that it was 
 caused by a ‘dare-devil miner,’ named Jack Eichards, 
 whistling in the mine while working with his gang, against 
 the protests of his comrades. Richards was a skeptical 
 young Welshman, who ridiculed all the superstitions of 
 his fellow- workmen. With the old miner' mentioned above 
 and fifteen others, he was working in the mine, a mile 
 from the^ entrance, on the day of the catastrophe. The 
 mine was well-known to be scantily propped, and the 
 miners were ‘ robbing ’ it preparatory to its abandonment. 
 He is described as having been a merrj^ fellow, fond of 
 teasing his companions. On this occasion he suddenly laid 
 down his pick and announced to his fellow-workmen that he 
 intended to ‘whistle them up the “Rigs o’ Barley.”’ 
 The miners were aghast at the thought of Ricliards thus 
 flying in the face of mine luck, and they begged of him not 
 to chase the good-luck spirit away. He laughed at their 
 fears, and with clear loud notes made the chamber ring 
 with the lively Scotch air. Hot content with that, says the 
 old miner, shuddering at this day over tlie sacrilegious 
 tenierity of the merry Welshman, he rattled off a jig known 
 by the miners as ‘The Devil Among the Tailors,” and 
 ended by telling the good-luck spirit to ‘ take a dance to 
 that, and be blowed to it’ None of the miners could 
 speak for some time. Some of them tried to work again, 
 but the fear of disaster was so strong upon them that they 
 all made preparations to quit the mine. The old miner 
 who recalls this incident, says he had a brother and a son 
 working in another part of the mine, and he made up his 
 mind to go to them, tell them of Jack Richards’ foolhardi- 
 ness, warn them of its consequences and escape from the 
 mine. Jack Richards could not convince any of them of 
 the childishness of their intended course. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 37 
 
 “ Suddenly, while they were gathering up their tools, a 
 noise like the sound of distant thunder came to the ears of 
 the agitated miners. They knew too well what the sound 
 presaged. The roof was ‘working,’ and a cave-in threat- 
 ened. The miners turned to Jack and charged him with 
 bringing disaster upon them by his defiance of the good- 
 luck spirit of the mine. • Jack replied that if the roof was 
 falling it was because • of insufficient support, and not 
 because of his whistling, and knowing the danger that 
 encompassed them all, he counseled his comrades to lose 
 no time in ‘ getting atop.’ But before they could take the 
 first step toward reaching the surface, a second shock ran 
 through the mine. This time it was like a clap of thunder 
 near the earth. It was followed by a crash that could be 
 made only by the falling masses of rock and coal from the 
 roof, and by a gust .of wind that hurled the miners against 
 the jagged walls of their chamber. Then the mine fell in 
 all about them, and the seventeen miners and the car horse 
 were imprisoned behind a wall of fallen coal, in a space not 
 more than forty feet square. Their lights were extinguished, 
 and there was not a match in the party. 
 
 “With death waiting them in one of its worst forms, they 
 cursed Jack Richards, and one of the miners tried to find 
 him in the dark to brain him with a pick. To ascertain 
 whether any of the gang had been killed by the falling 
 coal, the name of each one was called by one of the miners. 
 All responded but Jack Richards. He was found dead, 
 half-buried beneath the wall of rock and coal. 
 
 “The men worked for hours, many of them working the 
 flesh from their fingers in the sliarj) coal. Some of them 
 lost all heart, and threw themselves upon the damp floor 
 of their underground prison, and bewailed their fate. Sud- 
 denly a ray of light broke through a small opening in 
 the wall. Then a lantern was ])ushed through, followed 
 
38 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 by a man’s bead. The man cried out: ‘Is there a man 
 here that is alivel’ A glad shout from the miners was the 
 reply. The man pulled himself through the opening into 
 the chamber. It was Alexander Boyden, the superintend 
 ent. He took the dead body of Jack Richards on his back 
 and led the way, and two hours afterward the miners were 
 in the arms of wives, parents and sweethearts on top. 
 Richards had no relatives but a crippled sister, who was 
 dying with consumption. She died the next day. The 
 brother and son of the narrator of this tragic incident and 
 twelve other miners were never found. Three days after 
 the fall, Mine Boss Hosie, who had been in a distant part 
 of the mine when the roof caved in, emerged from its 
 depths, worn to a skeleton. With his pick he had dug his 
 way for more than a mile through an almost solid wall, 
 without a taste of food or a drop of water to sustain him. 
 This mine tragedy forms one of the favorite narratives of 
 the old miners of this region, and after relating it ’to in- 
 quiring visitors they never fail to warn them not to whis- 
 tle if they intend going down in a mine.” 
 
 Lofty Towers. 
 
 The crown of William Penn’s hat which is to adorn his 
 thirty-six-foot statue surmounting the lofty tower of the new 
 Philadelphia public buildings will bo just 535 feet from the 
 pavement. This is higher than any other tower yet con- 
 structed. Trinity steeple in New York city, which seems 
 so imposing with its height of 284 feet, shrinks into insig- 
 nificance in comparison with the lofty spire which is in- 
 tended to be the crowning glory of Penn square. The 
 highest towers which have yet been constructed are those 
 of the Cologne Cathedral, which have at present a height 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 39 
 
 of 524 : feet 11 inches, or 10 feet 1 inch below Mr. Penn’s 
 proposed hat. As, however, the Cologne towers are still 
 unfinished, and aim at an ultimate altitude of 576 feet 9 
 inches, the Penn Square towers may never enjoy the dis- 
 tinction of being the highest in the world. 
 
 The following are the heights of some of the chief lofty 
 buildings : Tower of St. Nicholas at Hamburg, 473 feet 1 
 
 inch; cupola of St. Peter’s, Kome, 469 feet 2 inches; 
 cathedral spire at Strasburg, 465 feet 11 inches ; pyramid 
 of Cheops, 449 feet 5 inches; tower of St. Stephen’s, Vi- 
 enna, 443 feet 10 inches; tower of St. Martin’s, Landshut, 
 434 feet 8 inches; 'cathedral spire at Frieburg, 410 feet 1 
 inch; Cathedral of Antwerp, 404 feet 10 inches; Cathe- 
 dral of Florence, 390 feet 5 inches; St. Paul’s, London, 
 365 feet 1 inch ; ridge tiles of Cologne Cathedral, 360 feet 
 3 inches; cathedral tower at Magdeburg, 339 feet 11 inches; 
 tower of the new Yotive Church at Vienna, 314 feet 11 
 inches ; tower of the Eathhaus at Berlin, 288 feet 8 inches ; 
 and the towers of Notre Dame at Paris, 232 feet 11 inches. 
 
 A Walk Half-Way to the Moon. 
 
 In these days of great pedestrian feats it is worth while 
 to record the doings of an old Yorkshireman who has just 
 died at the ripe age of 84 years, at Masham, in Yorkshire. 
 James Heap was a schoolmaster, and carried on his calling 
 in a wild and bleak part of the country, walking every day 
 a distance of eight miles. He lived at a cotton-mill just 
 below the village of Healey, which is in the western part 
 of that portion of Yorkshire called Mashamshire. His 
 school-house was four miles distant, at Coltersdale, which 
 is still further west, and among the bleak moors and wild 
 hills leading away to Westmoreland. 
 
 A storm of wind and rain is no trifling matter in these 
 
40 
 
 STAKTLINO STORIES. 
 
 parts, and during a snow-storm the snow very often drifts 
 so thickly as to make the roads almost impassable ; but no 
 condition of the weather or the atmosphere could shake 
 James Heap’s steadfast purpose, and he never had any ail- 
 ment or accident which kept him from going his daily 
 round to the school and home again. Many a time had he 
 to wade through snow-drifts to find that his pupils were 
 not able to reach the school, and he was constantly sub- 
 jected to a drenching rain in the winter months. Yet from 
 December, 1822, to January 1867, he never missed a sin- 
 gle day, and during 2,292 consecutive weeks he walked 
 more than 110,000 miles, or nearly five times around the 
 world. 
 
 Nor was he altogether idle on Sundays, for during forty- 
 two years of this period he shared with others the teaching 
 of a Sunday-school at a place called Summerside, about the 
 same distance from his home, and in an equally dreary and 
 wild district on the moors with Coltersdale; seventeen 
 Sundays in each year, during these forty-two years, did he 
 walk eight miles to teach, which adds an aggregate of 
 5,712 miles to the former sum, so that, taking Sundays and 
 week days into the reckoning, he would, if he had contin- 
 ued his work for rather more than another year, have cov- 
 ared a distance equal to half the space between the earth 
 and the moon. 
 
 Col. Synge’s Dream. 
 
 A friend told me the other day that he inet Col. Synge 
 at a club here, and that the latter remarked, in a joking 
 way, that he was “sure the brigands would ‘nab’ him some 
 day.” Some time later the Colonel called on a lawyer 
 here and expressed his intention of making his last will and 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 41 
 
 testament, adding that perhaps the lawyer would think it a 
 trifle foolish in him, a man still in his prime and in the 
 flush of health, to be concerned about such a matter. 
 Naturally the gentleman of the bar professionally thought, 
 on the contrary, no such thing ; on the contrary, it was al- 
 ways well to be prepared, etc., etc. “Well,” said the 
 Colonel, “I will tell my reason, and I don’t know that it 
 will strike you as a good one. Last night I had a most 
 vivid and distinct dream, in which my farm was attacked 
 and I carried off by a mob. The impression on me was so 
 strong that I have come here to get my affairs in order.” 
 The will was made, signed and completed, and Col. Synge 
 left for Salonica. Only a few months later the attack took 
 place with which the whole world has been ringing. 
 
 This is rather a strong point in favor of the dream en- 
 thusiasts. 
 
 Strange Story of the Plague in Memphis. 
 
 A reliable gentleman says that in 1877, when the first 
 yellow fever appeared in the city of Memphis, he was 
 there on business. He had been there for several weeks, 
 and then first experienced a drowsy sensation. This was 
 followed in a week or ten days by the fever in all its fury, 
 which rendered him unconscious. He lay for some time in 
 this condition, his life being in a precarious state. After a 
 time he seemed to be overcome by the disease, and gradually 
 grew weaker, until at last all pulsation had stopped, and 
 breathing was no longer apparent. At that time it was the 
 Custom to hurry the corpse to the graveyard without cere- 
 mony. He was placed in a rude box and hurried away to 
 the cemetery, followed by a single friend. On the way to 
 the grave, however, this friend felt a conviction that he 
 was not dead, and ordered the little procession to stop. 
 The box was taken back to the place of starting, and his 
 
42 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 body again placed on a cot. After a few hours of patient 
 watching, a slight movement of the face and upper portions 
 of the body was observed. An examination was made of 
 the pulse, which was found to be faintly beating, while 
 respiration was apparent. In a few hours more the gentle- 
 man was aroused, and in less than thirty-six hours he was 
 sitting up. He recovered rapidly, and in the course of a 
 few hours he was able to get up and move around. Mean- 
 while the Associated Press dispatches had contained an 
 account of his death from the fever, and his family in New 
 York city, and one son, working on the Bee Line road, had 
 mourned for him as one gone from the face of the earth. 
 
 After his recovery he went to Texas, and from there he 
 crossed over into New Mexico. He was gone on his trip 
 about two months, during which time he wrote to his rela- 
 tives, announcing his restoration to health. He soon after 
 came north, as the quarantine against Southern traffic and 
 travel was raised, and eventually landed in Indianapolis, 
 where he met his son, who was as much rejoiced at the 
 meeting as if his father had been raised from the dead. It 
 was learned that his letters had miscarried, and he wrote 
 at once to New York, again announcing his recovery. 
 
 The Bottom of the Sea. 
 
 “The form of the depressed area which lodges the water 
 of the deep ocean,” says Dr. Carpenter, the English phys- 
 icist, “ is rather to be likened to that of a flat waiter or tea 
 tray, surrounded by an elevated and steeply-sloping rim, 
 than to that of the ‘basin’ with which it is commonly 
 compared;” and he adds: “The great continental plat- 
 
 forms usually rise very abruptly from the margins of the 
 real oceanic depressa-I areas. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 43 
 
 “ The average depth of the ocean floors is now ascertained 
 to be about 13,000 feet. As the average height of the en- 
 tire land mass of the globe above sea level is about 1,000 
 feet, and the sea area about two and three-fourths times 
 that of the land, it follows that the total volume of ocean 
 water is thirty-six times that of the land above the sea level. 
 These deductions, seemingly unimportant except to the 
 votary of science, are destined, perhaps, to serve the high- 
 est practical purposes of deep-sea telegraphy. The intel- 
 ligence now carried out of the enormous collection of later 
 ocean researches shows the modern engineer and capitalist 
 the feasibility of depositing a telegraphic cable over almost 
 any part of the ocean’s floor. 
 
 “ Not less interesting is a deduction Dr. Carpenter makes 
 from the deep sea temperature observations in the North 
 Atlantic. In consequence of the evaporation produced by 
 the long exposure of the equatorial Atlantic currents, its 
 waters contain such an excess of salt as, in spite of its high 
 temperature, to be specifically heavier than the colder 
 underflows which reach the equator from the opposite 
 Arctic and Antarctic basins ; and, consequently, it substi- 
 tutes itself by gravitation for the colder water to a depth of 
 several hundred fathoms. Thus it conveys the solar heat 
 downward in such a manner as to make the North Atlantic 
 between the parallels of 20° and 40° a great reservoir of 
 warmth. The climatic efiect of this vertical transfer of 
 equatorial heat is obvious. If the great heat-bearing cur- 
 rents which enter the North Atlantic traversed its bosom 
 as surface currents, they would expend their warmth largely 
 in the high latitudes. But, as their heavy and highly-heated 
 volumes in large measure descend to the deeper strata south 
 of the fortieth parallel, their stores of tropical temperature 
 are permanently arrested off our eastern coast, and ulti- 
 mately made subservient to our climate.” 
 
44 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 Mark Twain’s Visit to Niagara. 
 
 HIS STARTLING DISCLOSURES HE IS PITCHED OVER THE CAT- 
 
 ARACT BY THE INDIANS. 
 
 Niagara Falls is one of the finest structures in the known 
 world. I have been visiting this fiivorite watering-place 
 recently, for the first time, and was well pleased. A gentle- 
 man who was with me said it was customary to be disap- 
 pointed in the Falls, but that subsequent visits were sure to 
 set that all right. He said that the first time he went, the 
 hack fares were so much higher than the falls, that the falls 
 appeared insignificant. But that is all regulated now. The 
 hackmen have been tamed, numbered, placarded and black- 
 guarded, and brought into subjection to the law, and dosed 
 with moral principle till they are as meek as missionaries. 
 There are no more outrages and extortions. That sort of 
 thing cured itself. It made the falls unpopular by getting 
 into the newspapers ; and, whenever a public evil achieves 
 that sort of success for itself, its days are numbered. It 
 became apparent that either the falls had to be discontinued, 
 or the hackmen had to subside. They could not dam the 
 falls, and so they did the hackmen. One can be comfort- 
 able and happy there now. 
 
 I drank up most of the American Fall* before I learned 
 that the waters were not considered medical., Why are 
 people left in ignorance that way ? I might have gone on 
 and ruined a fine property, merely for the want of a little 
 trifiing information. And yet the sources of information at 
 Niagara Falls are not meagre. You are sometimes in doubt 
 there about what you ought to do, but you are seldom in 
 doubt about what you must not do. No, the signs keep 
 you posted. If an infant can read, that infant is measur- 
 ably safe at Niagara Falls. In your room at the hotel you 
 will find your course marked out for you in the most con- 
 
STAKTLmG STORIES. 
 
 45 
 
 venient way, by means of placards on the wall like these: 
 “Pull the bell-rope gently, but don’t jerk.” 
 
 “ Bolt your door.” 
 
 “Don’t scrape matches on the wall.” 
 
 “Turn off your gas when you retire.” 
 
 “ Tie up your dog.” 
 
 “ If you place your boots outside the door they Will be 
 blackened, but the house will not be responsible for their 
 return.” (This is a confusing and tanglesome proposition, 
 because it moves you to deliberate long and painfully as to 
 whether it will really be any object to you to have your 
 boots blackened unless they are returned.) 
 
 “ Give your key to the omnibus driver, if you forget and 
 carry it off with you.” 
 
 Outside the hotel wherever you wander you are intelli-' 
 gently assisted by the signs. You cannot come to grief as 
 long as you are in your right mind. But the difficulty is to 
 stay in your right mind with so much instruction to keep 
 track of. For instance : 
 
 “ Keep off the grass.” 
 
 “ Don’t climb the trees.” 
 
 “ Hands off the vegetables.” 
 
 “ Do not hitch your horse to the shrubbery.” 
 
 “ Yisit the Cave of the Winds.” 
 
 “Have your portrait taken in your carriage.” 
 
 “ Forty per cent, in gold levied on all peanuts or other 
 Indian curiosities purchased in Canada.” 
 
 “Photographs of the falls taken here.” 
 
 “ Yisitors will please notify the superintendent of any 
 neglect on the part of employes to charge for commodities 
 or services.” 
 
 “ Don’t throw stones down ; they may hit people below.” 
 “The proprietors will not be responsible for parties who 
 jump over the falls. ” 
 
46 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 To tell the plain truth, the multitude of signs annoyed 
 me. It was because I noticed at last that they always hap- 
 pened to prohibit exactly the very thing I was just wanting 
 to do. I desired to roll on the grass ; tlie sign prohibited 
 it. I wished to climb a tree ; the sign prohibited it. I 
 longed to smoke; the sign prohibited it. And I was just 
 in the act of throwing a stone over to astonish and pulver- 
 ize such parties as might be picnicking below, when a sign 
 I have just mentioned forbade that. Even that satisfaction 
 was denied me (and I a friendless orphan). There was no 
 resource now but to seek consolation in the flowing bowl. 
 I drew my flask from my pocket, but it was all in vain. A 
 sign confronted me, which said : 
 
 “No drinking allowed on these premises.” 
 
 On that spot I might have perished of thirst but for the 
 saving words of an honored maxim that flitted through my 
 memory at that critical moment, “All signs fail in dry 
 time.” Common law takes precedence of the statutes. I 
 was saved. 
 
 The noble Ked Man has always been a darling of mine. 
 I love to read about him in tales, legends and romances ; I 
 love to read of his inspired sagacity ; and his love of the 
 wild, free life of mountain and forest ; and his grand truth- 
 fulness ; his hatred of treachery, and his general nobility 
 of character; and his stately metaphorical manner of 
 speech ; and his chivalrous love for his dusky maiden ; and 
 the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrement — es- 
 pecially the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutre- 
 ment. When I found the shops at Niagara Falls full of 
 dainty Indian bead-work and stunning moccasins, and 
 equally stunning toy figures representing human beings 
 who carried their weapons in holes bored through their 
 arms and bodies, and had feet shaped like a pie, I was Allied 
 with emotion. I knew that now, at last, I was going to 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 47 
 
 come face to face with the noble red man. A la y clerk 
 in the shop told me, indeed, that all her grand array was 
 made by the Indians, and that they were plenty about the 
 Falls, and that they were friendly, and it would not be 
 dangerous to speak to them. And sure enough, as I ap- 
 proached the bridge leading over to Luna Island I came 
 upon a noble old son of the forest sitting under a tree, dili- 
 gently at work upon a bead reticule. He wore a slouch 
 hat and brogans and had a short black pipe in his mouth. 
 Thus does the baleful contact with our effeminate civiliza- 
 tion dilute the picturesque pomp which is so natural to the 
 Indian when far removed from us in his native haunts, 
 addressed the relic as follows : 
 
 ‘‘Is the Wawho-Wang-Wang of the Whack-a- Whack 
 happy ? Does the great Speckled Thunder sigh for the 
 war-path, or is his heart contented with dreaming of his 
 dusky maiden, the Pride of the Forest? Does the mighty 
 sachem yearn to drink the blood of his enemies, or is he 
 satisfied to make bead reticules for the papooses of the pale- 
 face ? Speak, sublime relic of bygone grandeur — venerable 
 ruin, speak!” 
 
 The relic said : 
 
 “An’ is it meself, Dinnis Hooligan, that ye’d be takin’ 
 for a bloody Injin, ye drawlin’, lantern-jawed, spider-legged 
 ruffin ? By the piper that played before Moses, I’ll eat ye ! ” 
 I went away. 
 
 I made one more attempt to fraternize with them, and 
 only one. I came upon a camp of them gathered in the 
 shade of a great tree, making wampum and moccasins, and 
 addressed them in the language of friendship : 
 
 “Noble Red Men, Braves, Grand Sachems, War Chiefs, 
 Squaws, and High-you-Muck-a-Mucks, the Paleface from 
 the setting sun greets you I You, Beneficent Polecat — you, 
 Devourer of Mountains — you. Roaring Thundergust — you, 
 
48 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 Bully Boy with a Glass Eye — the Paleface from beyond 
 the great waters greets you all ! War and pestilence have 
 thinned your ranks and destroyed your once-proud nation. 
 Poker, and seven-up, and a vain modern expense for soap, 
 unknown to your glorious ancestors, have depleted your 
 purses. Appropriating, in your simplicity, the property 
 of others, has gotten you into trouble. Misrepresenting 
 facts, in your sinless innocence, has damaged your reputa- 
 tion with the soulless. Trading for forty-rod whisky, to 
 enable you to get drunk and happy and tomahawk your 
 families, has played the everlasting mischief with the pic- 
 turesque pomp of your dress, and here you are, in the 
 broad light of the nineteenth century, gotten up like the 
 rag-tag-and-bobtail of the purlieus of New York! For 
 shame ! Remember your ancestors ! Recall their mighty 
 deeds ! Remember Uncas ! — and Red Jacket! — and Ilole- 
 in-the-Day ! — and Horace Greeley! Emulate their achieve- 
 ments! Unfurl yourselves under my banner, noble sav- 
 ages, illustrious gutter-snipes — ” 
 
 “Down wid him !” 
 
 “ Scoop the blagard !” 
 
 “ Hang him !” 
 
 “Dhrownd him!” 
 
 It was the quickest operation that ever was. I simply 
 saw a sudden flash in the air of clubs, brickbats, fists, bead 
 baskets and moccasins — single flash and they all appeared 
 to hit me at once, and no two of them in the same place. 
 In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me. They 
 tore all the clothes ofi* me, they broke my arms and legs, 
 they gave me a thump that dented the top of my head till 
 it would hold coffee like a saucer ; and to crown their dis- 
 graceful proceedings and add insult to injury they threw 
 me over the Horseshoe Fall, and I got wet. 
 
 About ninety-nine or a hundred feet from the top, the • 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 49 
 
 remains of mj vest caught on a projecting rock, and I was 
 almost drowned before I could get loose. I finally fell, and 
 brought up in a world of white foam at the foot of the fall, 
 whose ceiled and bubbly masses towered up several inches 
 above my head. Of course I got into the eddy. I sailed 
 round and round in it forty-four times — chasing a chip, and 
 gaining on it — each round trip a half a mile — reaching for 
 the same bush on the bank forty-four times, and just exactly 
 missed it every time by a hair’s breadth. At last a man 
 walked down and sat down close to that bush, and put a 
 pipe in his mouth and lit a match, and followed me with 
 one eye and kept the other on the match while he shel- 
 tered it in his hands from the wind. Presently a puff 
 of wind blew it out. The next time I swept round him he 
 said : 
 
 “ Got a match?” 
 
 “ Yes — in my other vest. Help me out, please.” 
 
 “Not for Joe.” 
 
 When I came around again, I said : 
 
 “ Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drown- 
 ing man, but will you please explain this singular conduct 
 of yours ?” 
 
 “ With pleasure. I am the Coroner. Don’t hurry on 
 my account. I can wait for you. But I wish I had a 
 match.” 
 
 I said, “ Take my place and I’ll go and get you one.’ 
 
 He declined. This lack of confidence on his part cre- 
 ated a coolness between us, and from that time forward I 
 avoided him. It was my idea, in case anything happened 
 to me, to so time the occurrence as to throw my custom 
 into the hands of the opposition Coroner over on the Amer- 
 ican side. At last a policeman came along and arrested 
 me for disturbing the peace by yelling at people on shore 
 for help. The Judge fined me, but I had the advantage of 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 SO 
 
 him. My money was with my pantaloons, ana my panta- 
 loons were with the Indians. 
 
 Thus I escaped. I am now lying in a critical condition. 
 At least, I am lying, anyway — critical or not critical. 
 
 I am hurt all over, but cannot tell the full extent yet, 
 because the doctor is not done taking the inventory, lie 
 will make out my manifest this evening. However, thus 
 far, he thinks only six of my wounds are fatal. I don’t 
 mind the others. 
 
 I shall not be able to finish my remarks about Niagara 
 Falls until I get better. 
 
 The Marvelous Power of a Cyclone. 
 
 In discussing the two cyclones which visited the Bay of 
 Bengal in October, 1876, Mr. Elliott, meteorological report- 
 er to the Government of Bengal, incidentally gives "some 
 idea of the cyclonean forces which are developed by such 
 storms. The average “daily evaporation” registered by 
 the Bengal instruments in October is “ two inches.” The 
 amount of heat absorbed by the conversion of this amount 
 of water daily over so large an area as the Bay of Bengal 
 is enormous. “ Roughly estimated,” said Mr. Elliott, “it 
 is equal to the continuous working power of 300,000 steam 
 engines of 1,000 horse power.” A simple calculation will 
 show that it sufllces to raise aloft 45,000 cubit feet of water 
 in twenty-four hours from every square mile of the bosom 
 of the bay, and transports it to the clouds which overhang 
 it. When we extend the calculation from a single square 
 mile to the area of this whole Indian Gulf, the mind is lost 
 in the effort to conceive the force which, in a day’s time, 
 can lift 50,000,000 tons ! Yes, it would be easy to show 
 that such figures, fabulous as they seem, do not adequately 
 represent the cyclonic forces of a single storm. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 51 
 
 Strange Dreams. 
 
 Some years ago, says the Temjple Ba/r^ it is related, a 
 peddler was murdered in the north of Scotland, and the 
 crime remained for a long time a mystery. At length a 
 man came forward, and declared that he had had a dream 
 in which there was shown to him a house, and a voice di- 
 rected him to a spot near the house, where was buried the 
 pack of the murdered man ; and, on search being made, the 
 pack was actually found near the spot. At first it was 
 thought that the dreamer was himself the murderer, but 
 the man who had been accused, confessed the crime, and 
 said that the dreamer knew nothing about it. It turned out 
 afterward that the murderer and the dreamer had been 
 drinking together for several days a short time after the 
 murder. It has been suggested, as a possible solution, 
 that the murderer allowed statements to escape him whilst 
 under the influence of drink, which had been recalled to 
 the other in his dream, though he had not the slightest re- 
 membrance of them in his sober hours. 
 
 A gentleman dreamt his house was on fire; and the 
 dream made so vivid an impression that he immediately 
 returned, saw it on fire, indeed, and was just in time to 
 save one of his children from the flames. 
 
 A lady dreamt that an aged female relative had been 
 murdered by ia black servant, and this dream was repeated 
 so often that she repaired to the old lady’s house, and set 
 a gentleman to watch in the night. About 3 o’clock in the 
 morning the black servant was discovered going to his 
 mistress’ room, as he said, with coals to mend the fire — a 
 sufficiently absurd excuse at such an hour and in the middle 
 of summer. The truth was apparent when a strong knife 
 was found buried beneath the coals. 
 
 The case of the gentleman from Cornwall who dreamt 
 eight days before the event that he saw Mr. Perceval mur- 
 
52 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 dered in the lobby of the House of Commons by Belling- 
 ham, and distinctly recognized from prints, after the mur- 
 der, both the assassin and his victim, whom he had never 
 seen previously, seems capable only of a supernatural ex- 
 planation, especially when it is remembered that the gentle- 
 man was with difficulty dissuaded by his friends from going 
 to London to warn Mr. Perceval (known to him in his 
 dream as Chancellor of the Exchequer). He urged that it 
 had occurred three times in the same night, but his friends 
 thinking it a fool’s errand, he allowed the matter to drop 
 till the news of the murder rudely resuscitated it. 
 
 A gentleman from Yorkshire formed one of a party for 
 visiting the Exhibition of 1862. A few days before leaving 
 for London, he had a most vivid dream of the Tower, the 
 armory, and more especially the room in which the regalia 
 and crown jewels are kept. He heard the old woman who 
 showed the room address the audience, and treasured up 
 carefully her very peculiarities of voice, dress, manner, 
 and features, and created considerable amusement among 
 liis friends by mimicking the phantom show-woman when 
 he awoke. He went to London at the proper time, and, 
 of course, visited the Tower, where he was astounded and 
 somewhat sobered by the phantom’s counterpart, which 
 was identical in every respect. 
 
 The mother of a medical student dreamt that her son 
 had got into some serious trouble in London, and could not 
 rest till she had left her home in the Midland counties and 
 sought him out. To her sorrow the dream was painfully 
 verified, and the consequences might have been serious if 
 she had not arrived in time. 
 
 Several years ago the newspapers were filled with details 
 of a horrible murder, of which the facts, related from 
 memory, seem to be these : Mrs. Martin, the wife of a 
 farmer, was in terrible distress of mind because her daughter 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 53 
 
 Maria was missing. It was feared she had been murdered 
 bj her sweetheart, in a fit of jealousy, and hidden some- 
 where. For a long time no trace of the body could be 
 found. At length the mother had a dream, in which it 
 was revealed to her that the corpse of her child was buried 
 under the barn fioor. This proved to be the case, the body 
 was recovered, and the murderer detected. 
 
 A barrister of great penetration relates the story of a 
 lady who dreamt that a railroad guard was killed in a col- 
 lision. She described the man and circumstances so faith- 
 fully that there was no difficulty in identifying the guard 
 (who was actually killed the sauie night in a lamentable 
 accident) as the man she saw in the dream. The lady 
 rarely left home, and the guard was quite unknown to her. 
 
 Archdeacon Squire, in a paper read before the Eoyal So- 
 ciety in 1748, tells the story of a certain Henry Axford, of 
 Devizes, who caught a violent cold when he was 28 years 
 of age, which rendered him speechless, and he remained 
 dumb for four years. In July, 1741, in his sleep he 
 dreamt that “he had fallen into a furnace of boiling wort, 
 which put him into such an agony of fright that he actually 
 did call out aloud, and recovered the use of his tongue 
 from that moment as efiectually as ever.” 
 
 Horace Bushnell, D. D., in his “Nature and the Super- 
 natural,” recounts a case which he thinks cannot be ex- 
 plained by natural causes. Sitting by the fire one stormy 
 November night, in a hotel parlor in the Napa valley of 
 California, there entered a venerable-looking person named 
 Captain Yount, who had come to California as a trapper 
 more than forty years betore. There he lived, had ac- 
 quired a large estate, and was highly respected. The Cap- 
 tain said that “six or seven years previous he had a dream 
 in which he saw what appeared to him to be a company of 
 emigrants arrested by the snows of the mountains, and 
 
54 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 perishing rapidly by cold and hunger. The whole scene 
 appeared vividly before him; he noted a huge cliff and the 
 very features of the persons, and their looks of agonizing 
 despair. He awoke, but shortly after fell asleep again, 
 and dreamt precisely the same thing. Being now im- 
 pressed with the truth of the story, he told it to an old 
 hunter shortly afterward, who declared that he knew the 
 spot which exactly answered to his description. This de- 
 cided him, and taking a company of men, with mules, 
 blankets, etc., they hurried to the Carson Yalley Pass, 150 
 miles distant, where they found the emigrants in exactly 
 the condition of the dream, and brought in the remnant 
 alive.” 
 
 Strange Avocations. 
 
 SINGULAR WAYS IN WHICH SOME PEOPLE EARN A LIVING. 
 
 Said a witness under cross-examination : “I am an early- 
 caller. 1 calls different tradesmen at early hours, from 1 
 till 5:30 in the morning, and that is how I. get my living. 
 I gets up between 12 and 1 ; I goes to bed at 6 and sleeps 
 till the afternoon. I calls bakers between 1 and 2 — the 
 bakers are the earliest of all.” What sort of a living he 
 made is not recorded. A pound a week, we would say, 
 would be the outside figure, and to earn that he would 
 need a couple of scores of customers. The early-caller’s 
 fee is well-earned, since but for his intervention his clients 
 would often lose a day’s pay, if not be thrown out of work 
 altogether, by failing to keep time. 
 
 Hot so deserving of encouragement are the ‘ ‘tup-pennies, ’ ’ 
 carrying on their vocations in those quarters of London 
 where pawnbrokers and poor people abound. They are 
 feminine intermediaries between the pawnbroker and folks 
 anxious to raise a loan upon their belongings, who, rather 
 
STAETLINO STORIES. 
 
 55 
 
 than transact such business for themselves, are willing to 
 pay two-pence for every parcel conveyed to everybody’s 
 “uncle,” or redeemed from his clutches. These go- 
 betweens, it is averred, also receive a quarterly commission 
 from the tradesmen they favor with their patronage ; and 
 so, one way and another, contrive to make a comfortable 
 living out of their neighbors’ necessities. 
 
 There are men in Paris, birds of a feather with the 
 chiffonier, who go from hospital to hospital collecting the 
 linseed poultices that have served the turn of doctor and 
 patient ; afterward pressing the oil from the linseed, and 
 disposing of the linen, after bleaching it, to the paper- 
 maker. Others make a couple of francs a day by collect- 
 ing old corks, which, being cleaned and pared, fetch, it is 
 said, half a franc per hundred. 
 
 A lady resident of the Faubourg St. Germain is credited 
 with earning a good income by hatching red, black and 
 brown ants for pheasant preservers. One Parisian gets 
 his living by breeding maggots out of the foul meats he 
 buys of the chiffoniers, and fattening them up in tin 
 boxes. Another breeds maggots for the special behoof of 
 nightingales ; and a third marchand d^asticots boasts of 
 selling between thirty and forty millions of worms every 
 season for piscatorial purposes. He owns a great pit at 
 Montmartre, wherein he keeps his store. Every day his 
 scouts bring him fresh stock ; for which he pays them from 
 five to ten pence per pound, according to quality ; reselling 
 them to anglers at just double those rates, and clearing 
 thereby something over £300 a year. 
 
 This curious avocation is not unknown in England. Some 
 twelve years ago, we are told, Mr. Wells, a fishing-tackle 
 maker of Nottingham, in order to insure a constant supply 
 of bait for his customers, started a farm for the rearing of 
 lobworms, cockspurs, ring-tailed brandlings, and other 
 
56 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 worms in demand among the disciples of Walton, who 
 abound in the old lace town. To keep his farm stocked 
 men and boys go out at night collecting worms in the 
 meadows and pastures ; a warm, moist night yielding from 
 two to six thousand worms. As soon as they are brought 
 in they are placed in properly selected moss — field-moss for 
 choice — to scour until they become little more than skin — 
 freshly-caught worms being too tender for the anglers to 
 handle; while “ when a worm is properly educated, he is 
 as tough as a bit of india-rubber, and behaves as a worm 
 should do when put upon the hook.” When this condition 
 is attained the worms are packed in moss and put up in 
 light canvas bags for the market. This worm merchant 
 does not entirely depend upon the industry of his col- 
 lectors, but breeds large quantities himself in his own gar- 
 den — the component parts of his breeding-heap being a 
 secret he not unnaturally keeps to himself. — Chambers* 
 Journal, 
 
 Terrific Balloon Adventure. 
 
 The French aeronauts, Messrs. Gasta, Fommariol, Gau_ 
 thier and Perron, narrowly escaped destruction while mak- 
 ing a scientific excursion in the clouds recently. They left 
 Angers at 6 o’clock in the evening, duly equipped. They 
 were in high spirits, and for a time all went well. As night 
 came on, and they made preparations to descend, a terrific 
 storm arose. The balloon swept on with resistless force 
 over miles and miles of country, until, to their horror, the 
 aeronauts suddenly saw the lights of Nantes in the distance. 
 Beyond lay the immense, somber ocean. They at once saw 
 that they must descend at all hazards or perish. Opening 
 the valve they came down wdth a tremendous run, and in 
 one minute they actually struck the earth no less than six 
 
SIAKTLINQ STORIES. 
 
 57 
 
 times. Each time the balloon rebounded like an India’ 
 rubber ball to the tremendous height of over two hundred 
 feet. The travelers clung tenaciously to the ropes, uttered 
 not a single word, but grimly prepared for death. At last 
 the silence was broken by M. Gauthier, who exclaimed, 
 “My legs are broken!” The balloon swept on, dragging 
 over the ground, which it regularly plowed up wherever it 
 passed. At last the scronauts were seen by some peasants, 
 who hastened to their assistance, and with great diflSculty 
 extricated them from the wreck. The balloon, thus light- 
 ened, rose, and once more dashed into the forest of La 
 Eocheservieres, where it went to pieces. 
 
 MM. Gasta and Pommariol were no sooner on terra firma 
 than they fainted. All of the four travelers were more or 
 less injured. 
 
 Terrible Adventure with a Rattlesnake in a Mine. 
 
 Dr. Bartleson, of Arizona, had quite a thrilling experi- 
 ence recently. While at Socorro on business he thought 
 he would take a look at the mines near town. The object 
 of interest is the old mine — we have forgotten the name — 
 worked ages ago, for aught any one now living knows, and 
 which has two shafts, one recently reopened to a depth of 
 forty-live feet, where drifts indicate the first level. No ex- 
 plorations beyond a few feet from the depth named have 
 been made, though it is evident that the two shafts men- 
 tioned are connected at this level. Desirous of a jaunt 
 under ground, and at the same time expressing astonish- 
 ment that none of the miners of the camp or owners of the 
 mine had worked up sufficient curiosity to extend the dis- 
 covery, the doctor was lowered into the shaft. Emerging 
 from the bucket, a taper was lighted and the drift along 
 the vein entered upon. 
 
68 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 A chamber ten by twelve by eight was soon entered by 
 crawling a distance on all fours, after an examination of 
 which and a selection of some ores, the tour of discovery 
 was contiuued. To proceed it was again necessary to crawl, 
 and the doctor once more assumed the infantile position of 
 locomotion. An advance of a few feet had been made 
 when a cold, clammy substance was touched by the liand, 
 and two bright, glistening orbs gradually rose in air and 
 flashed back with intensified brightness the feeble rays of 
 the taper. Almost instantly a hissing, rattling sound 
 startled the hearing, and the doctor realized that he had 
 encountered a rattlesnake. To retreat was the work of a 
 second, and the chamber just left was soon regained. As- 
 suming an upright position, the doctor cast a hasty glance 
 at the aperture from whence he had emerged, and lo and 
 behold, there approached his adversary, which, when see- 
 ing the disturber of his peace, coiled himself for a spring. 
 
 A look was sufficient to satisfy the doctor that the snake 
 was one of the largest of his species and a determined foe. 
 Immediate action was necessary. To retreat was to invite 
 and hasten the attack, with the chances in favor of the 
 snake. To take the aggressive, then, was the work of an- 
 other second, and picking up a chunk of ore, the doctor 
 hurled it with all his might at the protruded, vibrating 
 head of the snake, just as he was in the act of springing. 
 The exertion of throwing the ore extinguished the taper, 
 and the horror of the then situation can well be imagined, 
 but never accurately described — the darkness, the dread 
 uncertainty of the locality of the reptile, the torturing ignor- 
 ance of the success or failure of the blow, the fear to move, 
 all combined to intensify the hair-raising, chilling terror of 
 the situation. 
 
 To relight the taper was determined upon, though not 
 without the realization, of the dread fact that the snake 
 
 \d M.v £ 
 
 > ' I'iS f iH 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 59 
 
 would take advantage of the first ray of light and spring 
 upon its foe. With fear and trembling the doctor eagerly 
 followed the advancing rays of the taper as they lit up the 
 chamber, and his feelings of relief and joy can well be 
 imagined as he saw stretched before him, not three feet 
 distant, the stunned body of the snake — the aim with the 
 rock had been a success. At this time the doctor bethought 
 himself of his revolver, and, placing it near the reptile’s 
 head, effectually dispatched him. The snake was six feet 
 in length, very large around, and numbered nineteen rattles. 
 The doctor had explored sujSciently, and regained the sur- 
 face as soon as possible. 
 
 An Executioner’s Revenge. 
 
 The Paris Figaro tells a terrible story of a headman’s 
 revenge. Fourteen years ago the murderer Avinain was 
 condemned to death. When, on the morning of his execu- 
 tion, ‘‘Mons. de Paris ” entered his cell for the purpose of 
 making his usual preparations for conveying him to the 
 scaffold, the culprit received him with an outburst of abuse, 
 couched in the foulest imaginable language, to which the 
 ‘‘executioner of high works ” listened impassively, appar- 
 ently paying no attention to the torrent of insults and im- 
 precations that fiowed from Avinaiii’s lips. Arrived upon 
 the scaffold, however, he bound his “patient” to the plank, 
 and then deliberately lowered the death-dealing knife to 
 within a few inches of the murderer’s neck, examined its 
 edge, raised it again to^its usual height, and finally loosened 
 the catch, with the customary result. As the remains of 
 the decapitated assassin were being removed from the scaf- 
 fold, one of the officials present observed to the executioner 
 that he had not performed his task as quickly as usual. 
 
60 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 “No,” replied the latter, with an indescribable smile, “ 1 
 let him wait a little.” Experience had taught the practical 
 headsman how dire is the agony of the last few moments 
 preceding the dreadful passage from life to death ; so, mind- 
 ful of the wrong inflicted upon him by the doomed man’s 
 insults, he avenged the outrage with hideous completaness 
 by “letting him wait a little.” 
 
 A Curious Story. 
 
 As John B. Conyer, a farmer residing at Palestine, Ind., 
 was watering nine cows at a pump-trough recently, they 
 made a stampede down the lane as fast as their legs would 
 carry them. The cause of this sudden freak was a mys- 
 tery to the hired man, but it was not long before he was 
 let into what appeared to be the secret of the stampede. 
 Suddenly, although the sky was clear and the atmosphere 
 still, a young cyclone, not over twenty feet in breadth, 
 darted down from the sky, and, striking the earth near the 
 pump, twisted off five large beech trees as though they 
 were weeds. 
 
 A Strange Vision. 
 
 About midnight, just after the accident in the Consol- 
 idated Imperial Mine, Nevada, the wife of Matthew Win- 
 nie was found on her way to the works. She said she had 
 been awakened just befere by her husband, who came all 
 mangled to her and told her he had been killed in the mine. 
 She got up, dressed herself and started to ascertain the 
 truth of what she was only too well convinced was true. 
 There had in reality been a fearful accident. Mr. Winnie 
 was indeed killed, and the trembling women went back to 
 her children and her desolate home. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 61 
 
 Bedstead Superstition in Germany. 
 
 Having ordered a neatly constructed single bedstead, 
 says a correspondent of London Notes and Queries^ with 
 somewhat high and ornamental sides, I was surprised 
 when it was brought home to find that the ornamentation 
 of one side of the bedstead was not repeated on the oppo- 
 site side, it being, in fact, quite plain. I expressed my 
 surprise and dissatisfaction to the maker, saying that when 
 a bedstead was placed with its head against the wall of a 
 room, the sides, then showing, will appear quite unlike — 
 one ornamented and the other plain. At this the maker 
 expressed his surprise that I should be ignorant of a Ger- 
 mon custom and prejudice; “for,” says he, “in Germany 
 single bedsteads are only placed sidewise against a wall 
 or partition, and only removed from this position and 
 placed with the head against the wall to receive a dead 
 body.” And the worthy maker assured me that nowhere 
 in Germany could a native be induced to sleep on a single 
 bedstead which had not its side placed against a wall or 
 partition. The same objection does not hold against placing 
 two single bedsteads side by side, with their heads against 
 the wall. 
 
 How He Lost His Wagon Wheel. 
 
 In Lincoln County, Nevada, there is a spring of ice-cold 
 water that bubbles up over a rock and disappears on the 
 other side, and no one has been able to find where the 
 water goes. At another point in the same county is a 
 large spring, about twenty feet square, that is apparently 
 only some eighteen inches deep, with a sandy bottom. The 
 sand can be plainly seen, but on looking closer it is per- 
 ceived that this sand is in a perpetual state of unrest, and 
 no bottom has ever been found. It is said that a teamster. 
 
62 
 
 STAKTLINO STORIES. 
 
 on reaching this spring one day, deceived by its apparent 
 shallowness, concluded to soak one of his wagon wheels to 
 cure the looseness of its tire. He took it olF and rolled it 
 into the, as he thought, shallow water. He never laid his 
 eyes on that wagon wheel again. 
 
 A Monster Clock. 
 
 The large clock at the English House of Parliament is 
 the largest one in the world. The four dials in this clock 
 are twenty-two feet in diameter. Every half-minute the 
 minute hand moves nearly seven inches. The clock will 
 go eight days and a half, and will only strike for seven and 
 a half, thus indicating any neglect in winding it up. The 
 winding up of the striking apparatus takes two hours. The 
 pendulum is fifteen feet long ; the wheels are cast iron ; the 
 hour bell is eight feet high and nine feet in diameter, weigh- 
 ing nearly fifteen tons, and the hammer alone weighs more 
 than four hundred pounds. This clock strikes the quarter 
 hours and by its striking the short-hand reporters regulate 
 their labors. At every strike a new reporter takes the 
 place of the old one, while the first retires to write out the 
 notes that he has taken during the previous fifteen minutes. 
 
 A Singular Passenger Train. 
 
 An event probably without precedent in railroad annals 
 has just happened at Provins. A passenger train leaving 
 Paris at 8:20 p. m. arrived safely at its destination, but on 
 getting down to let the passengers out of the cars, the 
 guard was astounded to find neither passengers nor passen- 
 ger cars. They had forgotten to hook the cars on at Paris. 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 63 
 
 Josh Billings’ Philosofee. 
 
 Don’t dispize your poor relashuns. They may be taken 
 suddenly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to 
 explain things to them ; undoubtedly so. 
 
 Next to a klear konshience for solid comfort cums an 
 easy boot. Try both. 
 
 If a young man ain’t got a well-oaianced head, I like to 
 see him part hiz hair in the middle. Don’t you ? 
 
 I don’t take any foolish chances. If I wuz called upon to 
 mourn over a dead mule, I should stand in front ov him 
 and do mi weeping. 
 
 Thare is no man so poor but what he can afford to keep 
 one dog, and I hav seen them so poor that they could afford 
 to keep three. 
 
 I say to 2 thirds of the ritch people in this world, make 
 the most of your money, for it makes the most of you. 
 Happy thought. 
 
 I never argy agin a success when I see a rattle-snaix’s 
 ed sticking out of a hole ; I bear off to the left and say 
 to miself that hole belongs to that snaix. 
 
 The infidel argys just az a bull duz chaned to a post. 
 He bellows and saws, but he don’t git loose from the post, 
 I notiss. Not much. 
 
 I thank the Lord that thare is one thing in this world 
 that money kant buy, and that is the wag ov a dog’s tail. 
 Yure unkle. 
 
 I have seen men so fond ov arscument, that they would 
 dispute with a guide-board at the forks ov a kuntry road 
 about the distance to the next town. What fools. 
 
 Thare are but fu sights in this life more sublime and 
 pathetick than to see a poor but virtuous young man strug- 
 gling with a mustach. It iz thus. 
 
 About the hardest thing a fellow kan do iz to spark 2 
 gals at one time and preserve a good average. Try it. 
 
64 
 
 STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 I notiss one thing, the man who rides on the kars every 
 day is satisfied with one seat ; but he who rides once a year 
 wants 4. That’s so. 
 
 The man whom you kant git to write poetry or tell the 
 truth until you git him hafi* drunk, ain’t worth the invest- 
 ment. 
 
 Whenever I see a real handsum woman engaged in the 
 wimmin’s rights bizzness, I am going to take off mi hat 
 and jine the processhun. See if I don’t. 
 
 Josh Billings. 
 
 Two Little Pictures. 
 
 I. 
 
 Miss Minnie Doyle is a very proper young lady. Last 
 week she caught her little brother smoking. 
 
 “ You terrible thing,” she hissed, “lam going to tell 
 father on you.” 
 
 “This is only corn silk,” muttered the boy penitently. 
 
 “ I don’t care what it is. I am going to tell on you, and 
 see that you don’t get into that beastly, horrid, degrading 
 habit. 1 wouldn’t have anything to do with smokers.” 
 
 II. 
 
 It is evening. Miss Doyle is sitting on the front stoop 
 with Algernon. It is moonlight, and the redolent spirits 
 of the honeysuckles and syringa waft bliss to their already 
 intoxicated souls. 
 
 “Would little birdie object to my smoking a cigarette?” 
 
 “Not at all,” replied Miss Doyle; “I like cigarettes. 
 They are so fragrant and romantic. I think they are just 
 too delicious for any thing. ’ ’ 
 
 “Then I’ll light one.” 
 
 He lights a cigarette, and they talk about the weather for 
 two hours and a half 
 
STARTLING STORIES. 
 
 65 
 
 Red-Hot Ice. 
 
 When, in the “Midsummer Night’s Dream,” the Lord 
 Chamberlain presents the ingenious play-bill of Bully Bot- 
 tom?s very tragical comedy to Theseus^ the King exclaims, 
 “Merry and tragical! Tedious and brief! Hot ice and 
 wondrous strange snow ! How shall we find the concord 
 of this discord ?” Such, however, is the advance of science 
 that the poet’s puzzle has been solved, and the concord of 
 hot ice been recently discovered by Mr. Thomas Carnelley, 
 of Firth College, Sheffield. This diligent experimentalist 
 has found out that any solid can be heated to a considerable 
 temperature if the precaution be taken to keep it under a 
 pressure less than a certain “critical pressure,” which is 
 difierent for different substances. Under this condition the 
 solid heats and sublimes away into a vapor without first* 
 melting into a liquid. There is no intermediate state be- 
 tween its solid and its gaseous condition. Acting upon the 
 hint which this general principle gave him, Mr. Carnelley 
 put a lump of ice under an air-pump and reduced the ordi- 
 nary atmospheric pressure on it to something less than the 
 “critical pressure” for ice, and he was then able to heat 
 the solid block of crystal ice so hot that it burned the fin- 
 gers on being touched. Nor was this all — he actually suc- 
 ceeded in freezing a quantity of water in a red-hot cruci- 
 ble ! — London Globe, 
 
/ 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 A Dog that was Pensioned by a Legislature. — A Re- 
 markable Story. 
 
 In the Territory of New Mexico the Legislature, by 
 joint action, recently pensioned a dog for noble services. 
 In that country there are many sheep farms, and shepherd 
 dogs are so well trained in caring for the flocks of their 
 masters, that it is their daily practice to take out the flocks 
 in the morning to pasture, guard them all day, and, at 
 night, return them to the fold or coral. This work of the 
 Mexican dogs is so common and so faithfully performed 
 that it is looked upon as a matter of course, and nothing 
 more than should be expected from a well-trained dog. 
 This being the case, it would appear that the dog worthy 
 of a pension in that Territory, must have performed some 
 very marvelous feat indeed, and something out of the com- 
 mon line of canine achievement. And he did. lie did 
 not save his mistress’ life from the murderous fury of the 
 savage, nor her child from being brained against a door- 
 post or being choked by a huge black snake, for his master 
 was not married, and had no wife or babe, but led a soli- 
 tary life in his solitary ranch in a very solitarj^ part of New 
 Mexico. 
 
 It chanced that the dog in question, on returning of an 
 evening with his sheep to the fold, discovered that his mas- 
 
4 
 
 ANIMAL SI OKIES. 
 
 ter was not stirring about, but remained inside tbe shanty 
 and kept very quiet. The next evening it was the same. 
 The dog, when ho penned up the sheep, repaired to the 
 shanty, smelled through a crack in the door his master’s 
 presence, but the master was still quiet and did not breathe. 
 The dog scratched, barked, and even howled, but no re- 
 sponse came from within. The door remained closed ; 
 no smoke arose from the chimney to greet the early morn. 
 But the dog, true to his appointed duty, went out with the 
 sheep on the third day, and cared for them while they 
 cropped the herbage on the hillsides. But he was getting 
 hungry, and that night when he drove the flock into their 
 pen, the last one to attempt to go in became the victim of 
 his appetite. This method of providing for his own wants 
 became a portion of the faithful dog’s daily duty. Occa- 
 sionally the last sheep to try to enter the fold was seized 
 by him and served for supper and for breakflist and dinner 
 the following day. As stated before, the ranch to which 
 the dog belonged was in a solitary part of the Territory, 
 and out of the track of travel and social intercourse or vis- 
 itation. 
 
 For two years from the time of the master’s death — as 
 ascertained by data left by the latter — the faithful dog tend- 
 ed the flock committed to his charge, and had fresh mutton 
 for supper every night. The flock was not decimated by 
 this steady drain upon its resources. On the contrary, it 
 increased its numbers, and when, at the end of two years 
 from the time of the death of the proprietor the ranch 
 was visited and the remains of the poor fellow found, the 
 dog was still at his post of duty, jealously guarding his 
 flock, and driving them to the best pastures every day, and 
 to the fold at night, before which he slept, to keep the wild 
 sheep-eaters of the plains at a civil distance. Such fldelity 
 excited admiration wherever the story was told, and the 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 5 
 
 Arcadian legislators of the Territory, in a fit of generosity 
 and enthusiasm, at their session two years ago (they have 
 biennial sessions in that happy country) granted a pension 
 for life to that dog, to be paid from the State Treasury as 
 a reward for his fidelity, and no doubt as an encouragement 
 to all other shepherd dogs in that Territory to be good 
 dogs and faithful. 
 
 A Duck as a Trout-Fisher. 
 
 Asa gentleman was fishing in a mill-dam below Win- 
 chester, Ya., he accidentally threw his line over a strong 
 white duck, which, suddenly turning round, twisted the 
 leader around her own neck, and fixed the hook of the 
 dropper-fiy in her breast. Thus entangled and hooked, 
 she soon broke off the leader above the dropper, and sailed 
 down the stream with the end of the fly trailing behind her. 
 She had not proceeded far before a trout of about a pound 
 and a half took the fly effectually. Then began a struggle 
 as extraordinary as was ever witnessed — a duck at the 
 dropper and a large trout at the end of the fly. Whenever 
 the trout exerted itself, the terror of the duck was very 
 conspicuous ; it fluttered its wings and dragged the fish. 
 When the trout was more quiet the duck evidently gave 
 way, and suffered herself to be drawn under some bushes, 
 where the shortness of the leader did not allow the trout 
 to shelter itself. The duck’s head was frequently drawn 
 under water. By chance, however, the leader got across 
 a branch which hung downward into the water ; and the 
 duck, taking advantage of the purchase which this gave 
 her, dragged her opponent from the hole, and obliged him 
 to show his head above water. Then it became a contest 
 of life and death. The trout was in its last agonies, and the 
 duck in a very weak state, when the leader broke and suf- 
 fered them to depart their own way. 
 
6 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 An Elephant’s Gratitude. 
 
 A story comes from Teiibury, Eugland, where a men- 
 agerie had been paying a visit, wdiich illustrates the well- 
 known character of the elephant for humane feelings in a 
 remarkable degree. Among the animals was a very fino 
 female elephant called Lizzie, which was attacked with a 
 violent fit of colic and suffered intensely. A local chem- 
 ist, whose success as an animal doctor is well known, treated 
 Lizzie and saved the animal’s life. On the procession 
 passing the chemist’s shop one day, the elephant immedi- 
 ately recognized her benefactor, who was standing at the 
 door of his shop, and, going up to him, gracefully placed 
 her trunk in his hand. The chemist visited the exhibition 
 at night, and met with an unexpected reception from his 
 former patient. Gently seizing the “doctor” with her 
 trunk, the elephant encircled him with it, to the terror of 
 the audience, who expected to see him crushed to death ; 
 but Lizzie had no such intention, and, after having thus 
 demonstrated her gratitude by acts more eloquent than 
 words, she released the doctor from her embrace and pro- 
 ceeded with her appointed task. 
 
 A Dog’s Joke on His Master. 
 
 A gentleman connected with the United States Lake Sur- 
 vey was engaged one day on the skirt of a wood in Indiana. 
 Near him, sleeping lazily in the sun, lay his faithful dog. 
 Tiger. Thinking to have some fun with the dog, he gave 
 a shout and a jump iuto the thicket as if all the game ever 
 protected by game laws from marauding hunter was dash 
 ing through the bushes. As he expected. Tiger came 
 bounding and barking to the fray, and soon detecting the 
 trick that was played upon him, sneaked back to his lair 
 
ANIMA.L STORIES. 
 
 T 
 
 and laid down again. The Surveyor resumed his duties, 
 and was hard at work for two or three hours, when, all at 
 once, the dog rose from his sleep, set his ears and eyes in 
 the direction of the wood, gave a bark, and made a rush 
 for the forest depths. The Surveyor followed the noble 
 brute to a tree, up which he was sending canine congratu- 
 lations to the prey; but when the Surveyor came, and be- 
 gan anxiously to scan the boughs for the hiding game. Tiger 
 gave a satisfied “ah wooh !” bestowed a glance of contempt 
 at the Surveyor, and, striking a dignified gait, stalked back 
 to his couch with the appearance of a dog that had squared 
 up all accounts with the Lake Survey, and had left nothing 
 due on either side. 
 
 The Crows in Convention. 
 
 James Hillman, a respectable and well-to-do farmer, liv- 
 ing between Orwigsburg and Landingville, Pa., is the 
 authority for the following remarkable story : Mr. Hill- 
 
 man has on his farm fifteen acres of timber, which is joined 
 by two other pieces of woodland of about the same size. 
 One morning, during the early part of the week, Mr. Hill- 
 man’s attention was attracted by large fiocks of crows which 
 came from the south, and, as if by common consent, settled 
 in the woods mentioned above. During the ensuing three 
 days the crows in the woods were reinforced by new ar- 
 rivals, until several thousands were present, and the noise 
 they made attracted the attention of people for miles 
 around. Sentinel crows were posted on the defences around 
 the woods, and through them the approach of a man or boy 
 was quickly communicated to the body of crows. The 
 crows remained in this patch of woods until Monday morn- 
 ing, when they all left about the same time, taking their 
 course of flight in a northwesterly direction. They left the 
 
8 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 woods in flocks containing 200 or 300 each, at intervals of 
 flve or ten minutes, and the departure of one of these flocks 
 was the signal for loud and prolonged cawing on tiie part 
 of those remaining behind. They all departed in the same 
 direction, and the last flock took to wing about an hour 
 after the first started. Since then there has not been a 
 crow seen in the neighborhood. Mr. Hillman says that 
 during their stay in the woods, the crows did not commit 
 any depredations on the neighboring cornfields, and but 
 few of them ever ventured beyond the confines of tho 
 timber. 
 
 Superstition and a Black Cat. 
 
 The steel works of the Lackawanna Iron and Coal Com- 
 pany at Scranton, Pa., have the reputation of being well 
 managed, and as free from accident as any similar estab- 
 lishment in the United States, but for ail that the mill is- 
 not free from superstitions. While visiting the works on a 
 certain occasion, and watching the glow of the gleaming 
 steel as it passed through the various processes from the 
 river of fire flowing into the converters to the white, snake- 
 like bar that ran, a finished rail, under the saw, an incident 
 occurred which at once startled and amused me. A group 
 of perspiring workmen, with weapons of various kinds in 
 their hands, and their faces wearing an expression of awe, 
 rushed past me, exclaiming : 
 
 “ There she goes!” 
 
 Some of them flung pieces of iron and slag at a retreat- 
 ing object that ran rapidly through the mill and out at a 
 distant door. At first I thought some great accident had 
 occurred. The men seemed very much frightened, and 
 seemed disappointed when the object of their attention had 
 escaped. I asked the cause of their commotion. 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 9 
 
 “Why, didn’t you see it?” said one. “It was that 
 black cat again!” 
 
 My curiosity being excited, I asked one of the foremen 
 for an explanation. 
 
 “It seems odd,” he said, “and I know some persons 
 will laugh at us, but I tell you that black cat is an omen of 
 evil for this establishment. Every time we are about to 
 have a big accident she enters that door and runs from one 
 end of the works to the other. At first we took no notice 
 of her, but finally her visits became as regular as clock 
 work whenever anything serious was about to occur, and 
 the men began to take warning from her and neglected 
 their work when she came. They noticed that she never 
 halted in the mill, but ran from end to end of it like a 
 streak of lightning. That’s why you saw us so anxious to 
 kill her. The foremen wish to get her out of the way, as 
 her visits are so demoralizing to the workmen, and the fact 
 that she seems to lead a charmed life and get away every 
 time unhurt, rather strengthens the superstition concerning 
 her.” 
 
 A Famous Goose. — The Companion Bird to the One 
 that Saved Rome. 
 
 An interesting relic is preserved in a glass case in the 
 Coldstream Guards’ orderly-room at Whitehall. It consists 
 of the head and neck of a goose, around which is a golden 
 collar with the inscription: “Jacob — Second Battalion 
 
 Coldstream Guards.” Beneath it are the words, “Died on 
 duty.” 
 
 In 1838 a rebellion broke out in our Canadian posses- 
 sions, and two battalions of the guards were sent thither to 
 assist in quelling it, the battalion already mentioned being 
 one of them. Both corps occupied the citadal of Quebec, 
 
T 
 
 
 10 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 and in their turn supplied the guards which were ordered 
 to be mounted in different parts of the town and neighbor- 
 hood. Near one of these guards was a farm-yard which 
 had suffered much from the ravages of foxes — animals that 
 were at that period a great pest to the colonists, and as the 
 farm in question had been suspected of being the meeting 
 place of the rebels, a chain qf sentries was placed around 
 it. One day the sentry, whose duty it was to watch the 
 entrance to the farm, had his attention attracted by an un- 
 usual noise, and on looking toward the spot whence it pro- 
 ceeded, he beheld a fine goose fieeing toward him, closely 
 pursued by a fox. His first impulse was to have a shot at 
 the latter, but this would have alarmed the guard and 
 brought condign punishment on himself for giving a false 
 alarm. He was compelled, therefore, to remain a silent 
 spectator of the scene, while every step brought reynard 
 nearer to his prey. In the height of its despair the poor 
 bird ran its head and neck between the legs of the soldier 
 in its frantic endeavor to reach the refuge which the sentry 
 box could afford ; and at the same moment the wily fox 
 made a desperate grab at the goose, but too late, for ere 
 he could get a feather between his teeth, the ready bayonet 
 of the sentinel had passed through his body. The poor 
 goose, by way of showing its gratitude to its preserver, 
 rubbed his head between his legs and made other equally 
 curious demomstrations of joy, nor could it ever be pre- 
 vailed upon to quit the post, but walked up and down, day 
 after day with each successive sentry that was placed there, 
 until the battalion left Canada, when the goose was brought 
 away with it as a regimental pet to England. 
 
 The most remarkable thing in connection with the story 
 is that the goose in turn actually saved its preserver’s life. 
 Whether the former knew that the sentry was the same 
 man or not, must of course forever remain a problem ; but 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 11 
 
 it so happened that he was on that particular post about 
 two months afterward, when a desperate attempt was made 
 to surprise and kill the unwary sentinel. It was winter 
 time, and although it was a bright moonlight night, the 
 moon was hidden ever and anon by the scudding clouds 
 which seemed to presage an approaching storm. In these 
 moments of darkness a sharp observer might have noticed 
 the shadows of several men who, unobserved by the some- 
 what drowsy sentinel, were endeavoring stealthily to ap- 
 proach the post where he stood. Suddenly he heard, or 
 thought he heard, a strange, rustling sound, and, bringing 
 his musket to his shoulder, he shouted loudly : “Who 
 
 goes there ?” Not a sound, save the echo of his own voice 
 in the distance and the sighing of the winter wind among 
 the branches of the trees which sood in the deserted farm 
 yard, responded to the challenge. 
 
 Several minutes elapsed, during which the soldier 
 marched up and down his lonely beat followed by the de- 
 voted goose, until, deeming his alarm unwarranted, he 
 again “stood at ease” before the sentry-box. This was 
 the enemy’s opportunity, and the rebels were not long in 
 endeavoring to profit by it. Closer and closer they stole 
 up toward the post, the thick snow which lay on the ground 
 completely deadening the sound of their footsteps. But 
 just as two of their number, one on each side of the sentry- 
 box, were preparing with uplifted knife to spring upon the 
 unsuspecting man, the bird made a grand effort, rose sud- 
 denly on its wings, and swept round the sentry-box with 
 tremendous force, flapping its wings right in the faces of 
 the would-be assassins. They were astounded and rushed 
 blindly forward ; but the sentry, fully aroused to his dan- 
 ger, bayoneted one and shot at the other as he was running 
 away. Meanwhile, the other conspirators approaclied to 
 the assistance of their colleagues ; but the bird repeated its 
 
12 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 tactics and enaoied the sentry to keep them at bay until 
 the guard — whom the firing of his musket had alarmed — 
 came upon the scene and made them flee for their lives. 
 
 When this incident became known, poor old Jacob be- 
 came the hero of the garrison ; and the officers subscribed 
 for and purchased the golden collar which the bird after- 
 ward wore until the day of his death. 
 
 Upon the arrival of the regiment in London, the bird re- 
 sumed its duties with the sentinels posted on the barrack 
 gates ; it was exceedingly amusing to watch its move- 
 ments as it walked proudly up and down with the sentry, 
 or stood to “attention ” beside the box when the latter was 
 saluting a passing officer or guard. The feathered hero 
 was well fed and cared for, and a circular bath filled with 
 water was always at his disposal. Children were his es- 
 pecial favorites, as they used to bring the creature all kinds 
 of food ; but Jacob would never tolerate any liberties ex- 
 cept when, in military parlance, he was “standing easy.” 
 For many years Jacob seemed to bear a charmed life ; but 
 he was at length run over by a van. Every effort which 
 kindness and skill could suggest was made to save this ex- 
 traordinary bird ; but it was of no avail, and he died like a 
 true English soldier, at the post of duty after a “sentry-go” 
 of not less than twelve years. 
 
 Lynching a Sparrow. 
 
 Many singmar and almost incredible stories, says the 
 Syracuse Herald^ have been told concerning the little Eng- 
 lish sparrows that infest our parks and highways, but an 
 instance that recently came under notice can be vouched 
 for. A few days since an unusual commotion was noticed 
 among a large number of sparrows in the vicinity of H. C. 
 Brower’s house, at the corner of M^est Jefferson and Clin- 
 
ANDIAL STOEIES. 
 
 13 
 
 ton streets. The attention of a member was obnoxious 
 the others, and a continued effort was made to drive it from 
 the nest which it made in the cornice. After a time two of 
 the sparrows left the others, and soon returned with a string, 
 which was, in some indescribable manner, attached to the 
 neck of their obnoxious mate and the other end attached 
 to the cornice, from which the little fellow was suspended 
 till life was extinct. During this time great commotion 
 prevailed among those who witnessed the ‘‘execution.” 
 Any of our readers who may take the trouble to visit' Mr. 
 Brower’s house may see the sparrow still suspended by the 
 neck where he was left by his mates. 
 
 A similar execution, says the Oswego Times^ took place 
 in this city, not long since, and was noticed in the Times. 
 The victim still hangs, or did until recently, on a tree on 
 the south side of East Park. 
 
 Anaconda Stories. 
 
 A Paris paper says : “A singular accident occurred re- 
 cently at the Museum. In an attack of indigestion, super- 
 induced by over-indulgence in greased rabbits, one of the 
 boa-constrictors was taken with an attack of vomiting so 
 violent that he turned himself wrong-side out, head and all, 
 as one would a stocking ! The savants at the Museum are 
 at their wits’ end, having never before encountered a case 
 of the sort.” This case (says the Buffalo Commercial Ad- 
 vertiser) is indeed an unusual one, but by no means un- 
 precedented. A few years ago there was a boa-constrictor 
 owned by the late Mr. Van Amburgh, whose performances 
 were even far more extraordinary than those recorded 
 above. Some of the feats of this accomplished serpent 
 were commemorated in the following lines, written by the 
 
u 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 poet Longfellow in return for a free admission to the show : 
 
 “Next comes the Anaconda- Boa-Constrictor, 
 
 Called Anaconda for brevity : 
 
 Can swallow an elephant as well as a toad, 
 
 And noted for great longevity. 
 
 He can swallow himself, crawl through himself, 
 
 Come out with much facility, 
 
 Tie himself in a bow-knot, snap his tail. 
 
 And wink with great agility.” 
 
 Thus it will be seen that, even in the somewhat repulsive 
 department of educated reptiles, our free and glorious Re- 
 public is immeasurably in advance of the vain but torpid 
 Europeans. 
 
 Miss Clinton’s Crickets. 
 
 Miss Lucille Clinton, says a writer in the New York Sun^ 
 a handsome young artist, who leads a kind of hermit life 
 in her studio, at Broadway and Eighteenth street, is in love 
 with crickets and cats. About ten years ago Miss Clinton, 
 being then a young — very young — school-girl, read Dick- 
 ens’ story of “The Cricket on the Hearth.” Miss Clinton 
 was so affected by the story that she det«*mined to have a 
 cricket at any cost. She hunted the fields for days and 
 weeks before she even heard a cricket, and it was a long 
 time after she did hear the first cricket that she was able to 
 find and capture one, so deceptive is the voice and so shy 
 are the movements of the cricket. Then it was a long 
 time again before the young admirer of crickets learned 
 enough about the wants and habits of those sprightly crea- 
 tures to be able to carry them through the winter alive and 
 bring up the young in the spring. She was very patient, 
 though, and now what Miss Clinton doesn’t know about 
 crickets isn’t worth knowing. She has a large “fernery ” 
 full of crickets, and a large quantity of eggs, that are ex- 
 
ANIMAX STORIES. 
 
 15 
 
 pected to produce a good many more crickets, if no mis- 
 fortune happens. 
 
 Last evening Miss Clinton gave a sort of cricket soiree, 
 having invited a number of persons in to hear the crickets 
 ‘ “sing.” The concert was given by about 100 stalwart 
 crickets. The listeners, all but Miss Clinton, were ready 
 to make affidavit that all the crickets sang exactly alike and 
 dreadfully out of tune. But Miss Clinton was equally pos- 
 itive that each cricket had a voice that differed from the 
 voices of all other crickets ; and she ought to know. 
 
 “Every time I go to the country,” said the interesting 
 young artist, “I spend most of the time cricketing. I’m 
 glad I wasn’t in the country yesterday and day before, for 
 I would surely have been sun struck while looking for 
 crickets. I have already been prostrated twice while crick- 
 eting. When I am riding through the country, whether it 
 is in my own conveyance or in a stage, I always have to 
 stop if I hear a cricket. Sometimes I make the other pas- 
 sengers awful angry by making the driver wait while I go 
 off into a field to look for a cricket. They will say I am 
 crazy, and that there is no cricket there at all. But I al- 
 ways find him, and when I bring him back they say I was 
 right, and then they all begin to like crickets from that 
 time. I often tame then so that they will creep up my 
 arm to the shoulder — I mean outside you know. My cat 
 likes the crickets almost as well as I do. I couldn’t go to 
 sleep if I couldn’t hear them singing.” 
 
 A Remarkable Dog Story, — “The Sixth Sense.” 
 
 In an article on “The Sixth Sense,” published in the 
 Popular Science Monthly^ Dr. Felix L. Oswald tells the 
 following strange story : 
 
16 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 “We often hear of the wondrous sagacity — generally as- 
 cribed to memory or acuteness of scent — which enables a 
 dog to find his way home by unknown roads, even from a 
 considerable distance. I think it can be practically demon- 
 strated that this faculty has nothing to do with memory, 
 and very little with scent, except in a quite novel sense of 
 the word. 
 
 “Last fall, my neighbor, Dr. L. G , of Cincinnati, 
 
 Ohio, exchanged some suburban property for a house and 
 office near the City Ilospital, and at the same time dis- 
 charged a number of his four-footed retainers. A litter of 
 poodle puppies were banished to Covington, Kentucky, 
 across the river, and two English pointers were adopted by 
 a venatorial ruralist in the eastern part of Ohio. The pup- 
 pies submitted to exile, but one of the pointers, like the 
 black friar in the halls of Amundeville, declined to be 
 driven away. He returned, by ways and means known to 
 himself alone, once from Portsmouth and twice from Lucas- 
 ville in Scioto county, the last time in a blinding snow storm 
 and under circumstances which led his owner to believe 
 that he must have steered by memory rather than by scent. 
 But how had he managed it the first time? The matter 
 was discussed at a reunion of amateur sportsmen and natu- 
 ralists, and one opponent of the doctor’s theory proposed 
 as a crucial test that the dog be chloroformed and sent by 
 a night train to a certain farm near Somerset, Kentucky 
 (one hundred and sixty miles from Cincinnati); if he found 
 his way back he could not have done it by memory. 
 
 The doctor objected to chloroform, remembering that 
 dogs and cats often forget to awake from anaesthetic slum- 
 bers; but finally Hector was drugged with a dose of 
 Becker’s elixir (an alcoholic solution of morphine), and 
 sent to Somerset in charge of a freight-train conductor. 
 The conductor reports that his passenger groaned in his 
 

 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 
 URBANA 
 
Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow that set Chicago on Fire in 1871. 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 17 
 
 stupor ‘ Like a Christian in a whiskey fit,’ at length relieved 
 himself by stretching and went to sleep again. But in the 
 twilight of the next morning, while the train was taking in 
 wood at King’ Mountain, eighteen miles north of Somerset, 
 the dog escaped from the caboose and staggered toward the 
 depot in a dazed sort of way. Two brakemen started in 
 pursuit, but seeing them, the dog gathered himself up, 
 bolted across a pasture and disappeared in the mist. At 
 10 a.m. on the following day he turned up in Cincinnati, 
 having run a distance of one hundred and forty-two .miles 
 in about twenty-eight hours. 
 
 Still the test was not decisive. The dog might have re- 
 covered from his lethargy in time to ascertain the general 
 direction of his journey, and returned to the northern ter- 
 minus by simply following the railroad track backward. 
 The projector of the experiment, therefore, proposed a new 
 test, with different amendments, to be tried on his next 
 hunting trip to Central Kentucky. On the last day of Janu- 
 ary the dog was sent across the river, and, nem. con.^ the ex- 
 perimenter fuddled him with ether and put him in a wicker 
 basket, after bandaging his nose with a rag that had been 
 scented with a musky perfume. Starting with an evening 
 train of the Cincinnati Southern Railroad, he took his 
 patient south-west to Danville Junction, thence east to 
 Crab Orchard, and finally north-east to a hunting rendez- 
 vous near Berea, in Madison County. Here the much- 
 traveled quadruped was treated to a handsome supper, 
 but had to pass the night in a dark tool-shed. 
 
 “The next morning they lugged him out to a clearing 
 behind the farm, and slipped his leash on top of a grassy 
 knob, at some distance from the next larger wood. The 
 dog cringed and fawned at the feet of his traveling com- 
 panion, as if to conciliate his consent to the meditated en- 
 terprise, and then slunk off into a ravine, scrambled up the 
 
18 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 opposite bank, and scampered away at a trot fij*st, and by 
 and by at a gallop — not toward Crab Orchard, <5., south- 
 east, but due north toward Morgan’s Ridge and Boons- 
 boro — in a bee-line to Cincinnati, O. They saw him cross 
 a stubble field, not a bit like an animal that has lost its 
 way and has to turn right and left to look for landmarks, 
 but, ‘like a horse on a tramway,’ straight ahead, with his 
 nose well up, as if he were following an air-line toward a 
 visible gaol. He made a short detour to the left, to avoid 
 a lateral ravine, bat further up he resumed his original 
 course, leaping a rail fence, and went headlong into a copH 
 pice of cedar bushes, where they finally lost sight of him. 
 
 A report to the above effect, duly countersigned by the 
 Berea witnesses, reached the dog’s owner on February 4th, 
 and on the afternoon of the following day Hector met his 
 master on the street, wet and full of burrs and remorse, 
 evidently ashamed of his tardiness. That settled the 
 memory question. Till they reached Crab Orchard the 
 dog had been under the full influence of ether, and the last 
 thing he could possibly know from memory, was a mislead- 
 ing fact, namely, that they had brought him from a south- 
 westerly direction. Between Berea and Cincinnati he had 
 to cross two broad rivers and three steep mountain ranges, 
 and had to pass by or through five good-sized towns, the 
 centers of a network of bewildering roads and by-roads. 
 He had never been in that part of Kentucky before, nor 
 ever within sixty miles of Berea. The inclination of the 
 water-shed might have guided him to the Kentucky River, 
 and by and by back to the Ohio, but far below Cincinnati, 
 and by an exhaustively circuitous route. The weather, 
 after a few days of warm rains, had turned clear and cool, 
 so that no thermal data could have suggested the fact that 
 he was two degrees south of his home. The wind, on that 
 morning, varied from west to north-west ; and, if it wafted 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 19 
 
 a taint of city atmosphere across the Kentucky Kiver 
 Mountains, it must have been from the direction of Frank- 
 fort or Louisville. So, what induced the dog to start due 
 north ? 
 
 Wiped Out — A Story of the Plains. 
 
 The Detroit Free Press gives the following graphic illus- 
 tration of a stampede among a herd of buffaloes ; 
 
 What is that ? 
 
 Look closer and you will see that it is a ^unt, grim 
 wolf, creeping out of the little grove of cottonwoods, to- 
 wards a buffalo calf gamboling around its mother. 
 
 Kaise your eyes a little more, and you will see that the 
 prairie beyond is alive with buffalo. Count them. You 
 might as well try to count the leaves on a giant maple ! 
 They are moving foot by foot as they crop the' juicy grass, 
 and living waves rise and fall as the herd slowly sweep on. 
 Afar out to right and left — mere specks on the plain — are 
 the flankers; brave old buffaloes, which catch a bite ot 
 grass and then sniff the air and scan the horizon for intima- 
 tion of danger. They are the sentinels of the herd, and 
 right well can they be trusted. 
 
 The wolf creeps nearer ! 
 
 All the afternoon the great herd has fed in peace, and as 
 xt now slowly moves toward the distant river it is all uncon- 
 scious that danger is near. Look you well and watch the 
 wolf, for you are going to see such a sight as not one man 
 in ten thousand has ever beheld. 
 
 Creep — crawl — skulk — now behind a Knoll — now draw- 
 ing himself over the grass — now raising his head above a 
 thistle to mark the locality of his victim. It is a lone, 
 shambling, skulking wolf, lame, and spiteful, and treachei^ 
 ous. Wounded or ailing, he has been left alone to get on 
 
20 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 as best he may, and his green eyes light up with fiercer 
 blaze as he draws nearer and nearer to his unconscious prey. 
 
 There ! No, he is yet too far away. Creep, creep, creep. 
 Now he is twenty feet away, now fifteen, now ten. He 
 hugs the earth, gathers his feet under him, and he bounds 
 through the air as if shot from a gun. lie is rolling the 
 calf over and over on the grass in three seconds after he 
 springs. 
 
 Now watch ! 
 
 A cry of pain from the calf— a furious bellow from the 
 mother as she wheels and charges the wolf — a startled 
 movement from a dozen of the nearest animals, and a rush 
 begins. The one wolf is magnified into a hundred, the 
 hundred into a thousand. Short, sharp bellows, snorts of 
 alarm, a rush, and in fifty seconds after the wolf has wet 
 his fangs with blood that living mass is in motion to get 
 away from an unknown terror. The waves rise higher and 
 higher as the confusion spreads. One instant it seems as if 
 10,000 solid acres of prairie were moving bodily away — 
 again waves rise and fall as the cowards behind rush upon 
 those in front who wait to sniff the air and learn the danger. 
 In one minute the alarm runs down the herd to the leaders 
 — further than the eye can see, and the entire herd is going 
 off at a mad gallop, heads down, eyes rolling, and no thought 
 but that of escape. If Lake Erie were to dash itself against 
 a wall, the shock would be no greater than the awful crash 
 with which this mass of rattling hoofs, sharp horns, and 
 hairy bodies would meet it. The clatter of hoofs and rattle 
 of horns would drown the noise of a brigade of cavalry 
 galloping over a stone-paved road. 
 
 Eide out on their trail. Here where the stampede began 
 the ground is torn and furrowed as if a thousand cannon 
 had been firing solid shot at targets. Here and there are 
 calves which have been sored or crushed — here and there 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 21 
 
 older animals with broken legs and disabling wounds. 
 Here, where the herd was fairly off, you might as well hunt 
 for a gold dollar as a blade of grass. You look for three 
 miles as you look across it. It is a trail of dirt, and dust, 
 and ruts, and furrows, where half an hour ago was a carpet 
 of green grass and smiling flowers. The most dreadful 
 cyclone known to man could not have left more horrible 
 scars behind. 
 
 Miles away, on the banks of the winding, growling river, 
 are three white-topped emigrant wagons. A camp-fire 
 blazes up to boil the kettles, — men, women and children 
 stand about, peering over the setting sun at the distant 
 mountains, and glad that their journey is almost done. 
 Butterflies come and go on lazy wing, the crickets chirp 
 cheerily in the grass, and the eagles sailing in the blue 
 evening air have no warning to give. 
 
 Hark ! Is that thunder ? 
 
 Men and women turn in their tracks as they look in vain 
 for a cloud in the sky. That rumble comes again as they 
 look into each other’s faces. It grows louder as women 
 turn pale and men reach for their trusty rifles. The ground 
 trembles, and afar off comes a din which strikes terror to 
 the heart. “Indians!” they whisper. No! A thousand 
 times better for them if savage Pawnee dared ride down 
 where these long-barreled rifles could speak a defense of 
 the peaceful camp. 
 
 “A stampede of buffaloes !” gasps one of the men as he 
 catches sight of the advance-guard under the awful cloud of 
 dust. Bifles are ready for a shot, and the children climb 
 up on the heavy wagon-wheels to see the strange procession 
 gallop by. 
 
 Here they come ! Crack ! crack ! crack ! from three 
 rifles, and a shout as each bullet tells. Next instant a 
 shaggy head, followed by a dust-browned body, rushed 
 
22 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 through the camp. Then another, and another. The men 
 shout and wave their arms ; the women and children turn 
 paler yet. 
 
 The roar and din shut out every other sound, and the 
 wagons jar and tremble with the concussion. Now another 
 shaggy head — another — half-a-dozen — a score — a hundred 
 — a great living wave which sweeps along with the power 
 of a tornado, followed by others more fierce and strong, 
 and the camp is blotted off the face of the earth more com- 
 pletely than by any power of Heaven. Nothing to be seen 
 — no shout to be heard. Wave followed wave across the 
 spot — over the bank — into the stream and across, and when 
 the last of the herd had passed, the keenest hunter could 
 find nothing on that spot, of wood, or iron, or cloth, or bone, 
 or flesh, to prove that a dozen men, women and children 
 were there wiped out of existence, and reduced to shred 
 and dust. 
 
 Peculiarities of a Massachusetts Swan. 
 
 Visitors to Pine Grove Cemetery, Milford, Mass., are 
 much surprised to see a swan standing on a grave near a 
 child’s rocking-horse. The swan utters a shriek if any one 
 attempts to approach the grave. Some years ago the male 
 to the swan died, and soon after the rocking-horse was 
 placed on the newly-made grave, when the surviving swan 
 immediately stationed himself as protector over the horse. 
 If the father of the little boy who is buried there approaches, 
 the swan makes no outcry, but no one else is allowed to ap- 
 proach the spot. Recently the horse was taken away and 
 painted, and while it was absent the swan took no notice of 
 the grave, but passed its time on the pond or in its house ; 
 but when the horse was replaced, the swan took up its 
 position by its side, thus showing that it was the rockiiig- 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 23 
 
 horse and not the grave that was the object of its vigil. It 
 is rumored that the trustees ordered the horse removed, 
 but the owner of the lot refused to comply with the com- 
 mand, because his son had requested that it be placed above 
 his grave. 
 
 Snakes Catching Fish. 
 
 One day, says a writer in Forest and Stream^ while 
 catching minnows as usual, I noticed a number of snakes, 
 the common water moccasin, approaching the dam or foot- 
 way of stones. The water yet lacked several inches of 
 reaching the top of the stoneway, although it was rushing 
 in quite rapidly, and carrying with it many bull-minnows 
 and small white perch which were unable to resist it. 
 Watching the snakes, I saw one after another reach the 
 dam and take their station upon it, submerging themselves 
 all but their heads, which were raised about an inch above 
 the water, and pointed in the direction of the incoming 
 tide.' In this position I counted seventeen snakes, arranged 
 in uneven intervals, in a space of less than sixty feet. I 
 came to the conclusion at once that they were fishing, and 
 watched them with a good deal of interest. Pretty soon I 
 saw one head strike forward, going under the water, reap- 
 pearing in a moment with a very large bull-miimow in its 
 mouth. The snake immediately loosened its hold upon the 
 rocks and swam for the shore, reaching which it disap- 
 peared ill the bushes ; and this was repeated at intervals by 
 each of the seventeen snakes. When they returned from 
 the bushes, having made short work of their ‘‘catch,” each 
 snake sought his own particular location on the rocks, there 
 being no clashing of interests there. How, how is this for 
 reason or instinct ? How do these snakes know where to 
 locate themselves, and the ])articiilar stage of the tide at 
 
24 
 
 ANIMAL SIORIES. 
 
 which to start on their fishing excursion ? How do they 
 know that a number of minnows will be swept over the 
 miniature falls made by the rocks ? These are questions 
 that go beyond my comprehension, and I leave them for 
 others to answer. But the facts remain, and any one who 
 will take the trouble may verify them at any time during 
 the summer by a visit to Gravelly Creek. 
 
 Hunting the Kangaroo. 
 
 The kangaroo, as is well known, is found only in Aus- 
 tralia and Tasmania. Its means of locomotion and defense 
 are so peculiar, and its swiftness so great, that the chase of 
 it is attended with excitement and dangers wholly unique. 
 The following interesting chase is from a correspondent of 
 the San Francisco Chronicle : 
 
 At 9 o’clock this morning ten men, including myself, 
 started on horseback, with four dogs, on a chase. All were 
 experienced in the business except a young Englishman 
 and myself. We took no firearms, a large stick being the 
 only weapon to be used. We had no difficulty in finding 
 the animals. It was disdained to avoid such fences as we 
 found, and we jumped several of a height of four to five 
 feet, always approaching them at full run. We divided 
 the party, half going to each side of a partly open plain. 
 I soon saw a large kangaroo and two small ones coming 
 toward our party. We waited until they were near enough 
 to see us, when they made a right angle and went off at an 
 astonishing pace, in jumps of fifteen to twenty feet in 
 longth, going from eight to ten feet in the air at each jump. 
 We “went for” the big one, but he quickly got beyond 
 our sight, the three having already distanced the dogs. 
 
 The kangaroo dogs hunt by sight, like the grayhound. 
 
ANIMAL ST0KIE6. 
 
 25 
 
 These three were all lost, we learned as we met at the 
 point agreed upon. We next surrounded another large 
 tract of forest, plain and meadow, this time dividing the 
 dogs. In a few moments a hundred or more kangaroos 
 came bounding toward the party with me. The dog with 
 me started for them, and all the dogs and men were at once 
 in pursuit. The kangaroos divided into several parties, 
 each dog selecting one to follow, and each man following 
 some of the dogs. My dog went for a boomer, and I also, 
 in company with two others of the party. The boomer 
 stood up, took a long look at us, and then flew. W e fol- 
 lowed him among the trees and branches, jumping logs and 
 debris of all kinds, and across plains at a fearful rate. The 
 horses needed no urging ; their blood was up now. The 
 dog “laid to it,” but made no sound. When he would 
 get near the kangaroo the animal would jump at right 
 angles, and change his course, while the dog would shoot 
 on a distance before turning. 
 
 After a run of this kind for some distance the kangaroo 
 started for a swamp. After reaching that, and going in a 
 distance, he turned his face toward uS, standing on his hind 
 paws to a height of seven feet, and prepared for battle. 
 The dog went for him, and the fight commenced. The 
 dog succeeded in getting hold of his tail, and was carried 
 in the air some distance by repeated jumps. The dog then 
 lost his hold, and was seized and put under the water. 
 Owing to my having the best horse, I was first to come to 
 the dog’s aid. I was warned by shouts not to approach 
 the animal, but disregarded them and showed myself a 
 good kangaroo hunter. The animal proved to be eight 
 feet long. The rest of the party killed two smaller ones, 
 and later in the day, at another chase, another large one 
 was killed. The females do not fight, but run so swiftly 
 that they are rarely overtaken. 
 
26 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 Rivalries and Jealousies of Birds. 
 
 John Burroughs, under the head of “Spring Notes,” in 
 the Christian JJnion^ writes the following interesting 
 paragraph concerning the rivalries and jealousies of birds : 
 “I notice that during the mating season of the birds, the 
 rivalries and the jealousies are not all confined to the males. 
 Indeed, the most spiteful and furious battles, as among the 
 domestic fowls, are frequently between females. I have 
 seen two hen robins scratch and pull hair in a manner that 
 contrasted strongly with the courtly and dignified sparring 
 usual between the males. The past March a pair of blue- 
 birds decided to set up housekeeping in the trunk of an old 
 apple tree near my house. One day an unwedded female 
 appeared and probably tried to supplant the lawful wife. I 
 did not see what arts she used, but I saw her being very 
 roughly handled by the jealous bride. The battle continued 
 nearly all day about the orchard and grounds, and was a 
 battle at very close quarters. The two birds would clinch 
 in the air or on a tree, and fall to the ground with beaks 
 and claws locked. The male followed them about, but 
 whether deprecatingly or encouragingly 1 could not tell. 
 Occasionally he would take a hand in, but whether to sepa- 
 rate them or whether to fan the fiaraes, I could not tell. So 
 far as 1 could see he was highly amused and culpably in- 
 different to the issue of the battle.” 
 
 A Pretty Little Pet. 
 
 Several days ago, says a writer in the Cincinnati Gazette^ 
 a lady living on Browne Street heard a bird cry as if in 
 pain, in the yard outside the door, and upon investigation 
 found a young humming-bird in the talons of the family 
 cat. She promptly rescued the tiny fellow and found it to 
 be but little hurt, though enough to warrant her taking an 
 
ANIMAT, STORIES. 
 
 2Y 
 
 interest in its convalescence. She took it into the house 
 and kept it till the next day, when, on taking it to the door 
 to let it go, the bird flew up into a tree and refused to go 
 further away. Anally returning to her hand. Charmed with 
 the confldeuce displayed by the pretty creature, the lady 
 took it fully in charge, and since then has fed and cared 
 for it as for any other pet. The bird is of a beautiful russet 
 gold in color, seems to know its benefactress, and has 
 charmingly coquettish ways. It permits its mistress to 
 handle it without exhibiting fear, and seems to enjoy being 
 stroked and being petted. When it gets hungry it makes 
 a plaintive call, and is then fed from a fresh petunia, into 
 whose depths have been sprinkled sugar moistened with 
 water, in imitation of the honey that is the natural food of 
 the bird in freedom. The bird enjoys its meal with gusto, 
 and calls for about twenty of them daily. It is very sel- 
 dom that one of these dainty birds is caught, and still more 
 rarely is one kept alive, to say nothing of becoming a pet, 
 as is the case with the one spoken of. 
 
 A Hen’s Curious Hatch. 
 
 A gentleman of Kaleigh, of unquestionable veracity, re- 
 lates a story whose truth he asserts to be above par. For 
 some time past a hen of his had been conspicuous by her 
 absence from the premises, and there were fears that she 
 had been lost. These fears were very agreeably dispelled, 
 however, on Friday, when she made her appearance, sing 
 ing in her gayest manner, and stepping along in her spright- 
 liest style. Just behind her were some diminutive objects 
 to which she ever and anon gave her undivided attention. 
 The slowness of their progress caused the hen’s owner to 
 rush out and see what the brood was this time. lie was 
 astonished to see the hen cover with her wings twelve little 
 
28 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 terrapins. Soon she was reassured, and allowed him to 
 get a good look at her treasures. The family were called 
 out to see the wonder. The owner of the hen then went 
 back the way she had come, and found out how the eggs 
 were hatched. A terrapin which had laid the eggs had 
 deserted them, and the motherly fowl concluded to sit on 
 them. This she had done, and the result was the twelve 
 young terrapins. 
 
 The Fox, Crow and Rooster. 
 
 W. P. Levis, proprietor of the “Gem Cit}’” paper-mills, 
 Dayton, O., has a miniature zoological garden at his mills 
 on East Water street, and among the collection of birds 
 and beasts, is a diminutive bantam rooster. A few days 
 since a tame crow, while taking a meditative walk, came in 
 too close proximity to a sly old fox that was feigning sleep 
 near his den, where he is confined by a light chain. Rey- 
 nard was apparently oblivious to all passing things, but 
 that crow has now learned that appearances are very deceit- 
 ful, and so are foxes. Before the crow was aware of the 
 danger the fox had seized it. Then there was a loud “ caw, 
 caw,” and afiapping of wings, which attracted the attention 
 of the little bantam rooster. He took in the situation at a 
 glance, and at once rushed to the rescue of his feathered 
 companion. The plucky little rooster flew into the face of 
 the fox, struck hard with wing and spur, and so worried the 
 fox that he dropped the crow and gave his attention to the 
 rooster, but his feathered antagonist proved as agile as he 
 is brave, and so soon as he saw the poor crow, minus a few 
 feathers, hop oflf safely beyond the limits of Reynard’s 
 chain, he concluded the law of self-preservation was the 
 next best thing in order, so carried it into efiect. The 
 fox then skulked into his den. 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 29 
 
 Apparent Reasoning Power in Animals. 
 
 During a recent discussion in the columns of Nature^ a 
 large number of hitherto unrecorded instances of supposed 
 reasoning in animals have come to light, and these have 
 been subjected to a criticism which in only a few cases can 
 be said to have proved wholly destructive. This fate, how- 
 ever, undoubtedly befel the instance the publication of 
 which led to the present discussion. On a certain window- 
 sill, thirteen feet above the ground, the birds during the 
 late frosts were regularly supplied with crumbs. One day 
 a water-rat was found regaling itself on the sill, which it 
 had reached by climbing up a wall-plant, and, as it could 
 not possibly have seen the crumbs, the narrator supposed 
 that it must have been led there by a process of reasoning 
 based on its observation of the birds flocking together, and 
 the inference that food must have been the attraction. 
 This, however, was afterward shown to be unnecessarily 
 far-fetched, as, looking to the acute sense of smell possessed 
 by those creatures, the rat was much more likely to have 
 been led to the food by its nose than by any little reasoning 
 power it might possess. The brown rat, which in spite of 
 incessant persecution contrives to increase and multiply in 
 the busiest haunts of men, aflbrds the next example. The 
 water-pipes in several houses were found to be leaking, and 
 an examination proved the leakage to proceed from holes 
 gnawed in the lead pipes by rats for the purpose of obtain- 
 ing water, there being plenty of evidence about that such 
 spots formed their regular drinking places. The question 
 thus arose how the rats came to know that the lead pipes 
 contained the desired fluid. To this Darwin, on being in- 
 terrogated, replied : “Do not they liear the water trick- 
 
 ling?” If this be the correct explanation, it certainly indi- 
 cates considerable power of practical reasoning on the part 
 Df rats. 
 
30 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 Many other explanations have, however, been tendered, 
 such as the possible cracking of the pipes through frost, 
 thus giving the rat a clue to the water within ; or that the 
 pipes might have been gnawed, as they often are, because 
 of their obstructing the creature’s tunneling operations ; or 
 that the rats did it to sharpen their teeth, or simply be- 
 cause, like children, they must do something to work off 
 the energy within them, just as cats enjoy scratching the 
 legs of a table. The weightiest of these were shown to be 
 inapplicable in this instance, so that the rats may mean- 
 while be allowed the benefit of a reasonable doubt. In 
 discussing this instance, the Her. G. Ilenslow raised a 
 somewhat new issue by granting that brutes reason, but 
 that their reasoning is always practical, never abstract, ex- 
 plaining his meaning by an example. A dog that had been 
 left alone in a room rang the bell to fetch the servant. It 
 had, however, been taught to do so ; had it rung the bell 
 without previous instruction, the reasoning which led it to 
 do so would have been in his opinion abstract ; as it was, 
 it was only practical. Dr. Rae, the famous Arctic traveler, 
 attempts to supply the desideratum by recounting an ex- 
 periment made to find out whether a terrier which had 
 been taught to ring the bell really understood the purpose 
 of the action. It was told by its mistress to ring the bell 
 while the maid was in the room ; it looked first at its mis- 
 tress, then at the maid, but took no notice whatever of the 
 order, although it was given more than once. On the girl 
 leaving the room the order was repeated, and at once 
 obeyed. 
 
 This does not, however, satisfy Mr. Henslow, who thinks 
 that had the dog possessed abstract reasoning it would, on 
 seeing the girl in the room, have supposed that it had been 
 told to ring the bell for some one else. What Mr. Ilens- 
 low desiderates would seem, however, to have been sup- 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 31 
 
 plied in the case of a cat, 12 years old, which, although 
 never taught to knock at the door, is and has been for three 
 years past in the regular habit of making use of a knocker 
 just within his reach, as he stands on his hind legs, in order 
 to gain admission. He begins with a single knock, which, 
 if not attended to, is followed by the well-known ‘‘post- 
 man’s knock.” If this should prove unsuccessful, “trial 
 is then made of a scientific rat-tat that would not disgrace 
 a West-End footman.” The same cat has still further 
 shown his appreciation of human ways by developing a 
 fondness for brandy and water. 
 
 The elephant generally figures in discussions of this sort, 
 and in the present instance a sinerular example of its rea- 
 soning powers is sent all the way from Hew York. In the 
 central part of that city an elephant was observed, during 
 a very hot day, taking up great trunkfuls of new-mown 
 hay and spreading them over its back, until that part had 
 been completely thatched. It then stood motionless, en- 
 joying the coolness its own ingenuity had produced. In- 
 stinct would have prompted it to eat the grass ; the utilizing 
 it for the purpose of screening itself from the sun’s rays 
 looks altogether like a reasonable act. To find the donkey 
 among the number of reasoning animals is probably more 
 surprising. The appearance, however, which it makes in 
 the columns of Nature is highly creditable to it. A don- 
 key, which, when not employed by its master’s children, 
 used to graze in a field with some cows, was in the habit, 
 when milking-time arrived, of lifting the field-gate and 
 holding it back until all the cows had passed out, when it 
 allowed the gate to swing close again, and went home with 
 them. This bit of gallantry and intellect it owed entirely 
 to nature’s teaching. As might have been expected from 
 the greater opportunity man has of observing them, from 
 the training which their faculties undergo, and their exempt 
 
32 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 tion from that struggle for a mere subsistence, which is 
 supposed to hinder the development even of man’s intel- 
 lectual powers, the domesticated animals afford most of the 
 examples of animal reasoning. 
 
 Many of the fur-bearing animals of North America, how- 
 ever, have long been known for their cuteness in circum- 
 venting the trapper, and Dr. Rae testifies to this in the 
 case of the arctic foxes. Wishing to capture some of these 
 he tried various traps, but as they were all familiar to the 
 foxes they were of no use ; he accordingly tried a form of 
 trap new to that country, consisting of a loaded gun fixed 
 on a stand, and pointing to the bait, which was connected 
 to the trigger by a string thirty yards in length, and for 
 most of its length concealed under the snow. The bait, 
 on being seized, caused the gun to go off, and the fox thus 
 committed involuntary suicide. By this new stratagem Dr. 
 Rae secured one fox, but no more. The survivors set 
 themselves to unravel the mystery, and that they succeeded 
 was soon shown by the methods they adopted to secure the 
 bait without losing their lives. They either cut the string 
 connecting the bait with the trigger, or, burrowing up to it 
 beneath the snow at right angles to the string, they pulled 
 it down beneath the line of fire. These are only a few ex- 
 amples of the many which have lately been made public, 
 and they will probably suffice to show that, however great 
 may be the difference between the animal mind and that of 
 man, animals are at least not destitute of reasoning power. 
 The ultimate source of this difference is believed by many 
 to be in the possession by man of the faculty of speech, by 
 which he can deal with abstract ideas too complex to be 
 capable of development without the aid of language. If 
 this be so, the question whether human intelligence differs 
 from that of brutes in kind, or merely in degree, “hinges 
 entirely,” as Mr. Romanes expressed it lately before the 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 S3 
 
 British Association, ‘‘on the question whether the faculty 
 of speech has an origin natural or supernatural.” 
 
 Music and Mice. 
 
 Though the great naturalist, Linnaeus, in speaking of the 
 common mouse, said “delectatur musica,” yet so little was 
 it credited, that Gmelin omitted mentioning this feature in 
 his edition of Linnaeus’ By sterna Natures, Subsequently, 
 however, the assertion has been satisfactorily confirmed. 
 Dr, Archer, of Norfolk, in the United States, says: “On 
 a rainy evening in the winter of 1877, as I was alone in 
 my chamber, I took my flute and commenced playing. In 
 a few minutes my attention was directed to a mouse that I 
 saw creeping from a hole, and advancing to the chair in 
 which I was sitting. I ceased playing, and it ran precip- 
 itately back to its hole ; I began again shortly afterward, 
 and was much surprised to see it reappear, and take its old 
 position. The appearance of the little animal was truly 
 delightful ; it couched itself on the floor, shut its eyes, and 
 appeared in ecstasy ; I ceased playing, and it instantly 
 disappeared again. The experiment I repeated frequently 
 with the same success, observing that it was always difier- 
 ently affected, as the music varied from the slow and plain- 
 tive, to the brisk and lively. It finally went off, and all 
 my art could not entice it to return.” 
 
 A more remarkable instance of this fact appeared in the 
 Philadelphia Medical and Physical Journal,^ in the year 
 1817. It was communicated by Dr. Cramer, of Jefferson 
 county, on the credit of a gentleman of undoubted veraci- 
 ty, who states that one evening in the month of December, 
 as a few officers on board a British man-of-war, in the har- 
 bor of Portsmouth, were seated round the fire, one of them 
 began to play a plaiitive air on the violin. lie had scarce- 
 
34 
 
 ANIMAL STOKIES. 
 
 ly performed ten minutes, when a mouse, apparently fran- 
 tic, made its appearance in the center of the floor. The 
 strange gestures of the little animal strongly excited the 
 attention of the ofiicers, who, with one consent, resolved 
 to sufier it to continue its singular actions unmolested. Its 
 exertions now appeared to be greater every moment — it 
 shook its liead, leaped about the table, and exhibited signs 
 of the most ecstatic delight. It was observed that, in pro- 
 portion to the graduation of the tones to the soft point, the 
 feelings of the animal appeared to be increased, and vice 
 versa. After performing actions which an animal so dimin- 
 utive would at first sight seem incapable of, the little crea- 
 ture, to the astonishment of the spectators, suddenly 
 ceased to move, fell down, and expired without evincing any 
 symptoms of pain. 
 
 A Wily Poodle. 
 
 A blind beggar was in the habit of frequenting the Pont 
 des Sts. Perez, France, where he used to station himself 
 with a clarinet and a very intelligent poodle. Contribu- 
 tions poured freely into the little wooden bowl which the 
 dog held in his mouth. One day the blind man, who had 
 reached an advanced age, was not to be seen. He had 
 fallen ill. His companion, however, continued to frequent 
 the accustomed spot, and the passers-by, to whom he was- 
 familiar, understood that his master was unwell, and, 
 touched by his fidelity, dropped their pence into his bowl 
 in increased numbers. The beggar went the way of all 
 flesh, an event which the wily poodle carefully kept to him- 
 self until he also became an absentee from the Pont des 
 Sts. Peres. The poor animal was found lying dead in a. 
 cellar near his former master’s abode, a sum of 20,000’ 
 franks in bonds of the Orleans Pailway being discovered 
 under the litter on which he was stretched. 
 
35 
 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 A Fight with a Rattlesnake, and a Remedy for its Bite. 
 
 Peter O’Neill, who lives in the town of Cornwall, seven 
 miles south of Newburg, N. Y., after listening to several 
 rattlesnake stories one day, told the following : 
 
 “But now I want to tell you something maybe you won’t 
 believe. I’ve heard of one thing and another to cure the 
 bite of a rattlesnake, but if you pay attention, you’ll hear 
 of a wonderful cure which always succeeded. ’Twas over 
 thirty years ago, and the man, an old friend, told me about 
 it himself. He lived in the mountains near Port Jervis. 
 His name was Lambert. He was in the woods doing 
 something one day, and he run across a big rattlesnake. 
 He and the snake had a hard fight, and the old man was 
 struck on the leg by the venomous reptile. He killed the 
 snake, and then in some way got home while sufiering in- 
 tense pain. One of his sons jumped on a horse and rode 
 five miles for a doctor. A few hours after another doctor 
 was sent for, and the two of them could do him no good. 
 There they stood over the old man, who lay on his cot 
 senseless and speechless, and dying in great agony. Every 
 minute they expected the old man to breathe his last. Who 
 it was that spoke of the cure that brought him to life I 
 don’t know, but it was done at the last minute, when all 
 hope had gone. 
 
 They took a lot of the ‘touch-me-not weed,’ that weed, 
 you know, that when you squeeze the top of it it flies- all 
 over. It was pounded up fine in a pan or kettle that was 
 perfectly clean, for if there was any grease about it it won’t 
 do. Then it was boiled in milk until the stems began to 
 bubble up, when it was applied. The old man lay there 
 on one side, twitching and jerking, and with every twitch 
 and jerk blood would spurt out of a vein near liis eye way 
 across the room. The poison had gone way up there 
 
36 
 
 ANIMAL SIORIES. 
 
 through his boaj, and the sight was a terrible one. The 
 preparation was rubbed all over him and in five minutes he 
 was relieved. In half an hour he began to talk. In three- 
 quarters of an hour ho was sitting up in his cot talking, and 
 in an hour he was about the room. He soon recovered, 
 and was as good as ever. It was a hopeless case, and the 
 old man would certainly have died if the weed had not 
 been applied. I know this remedy to be a certain cure, 
 for I’ve had cases to try it myself. I never think of snakes 
 but my old friend Lambert conies into my mind.” 
 
 The Dog and the Picture. 
 
 A writer in Nature says: In 1843 a young and self- 
 
 taught artist asked me to allow him to paint my likeness in 
 oil colors, and I consented. Ilis studio was in the next 
 town, three miles distant, and, as often as required, I went 
 over ; I, however, did not take my dog with me. It was 
 done in kit-cat size, and he succeeded so well in the like- 
 ness and artistic work that when exhibited at the annual 
 meeting of the Polytechnic society at Falmouth a medal 
 was awarded to it. 
 
 When it was brought to my house my old dog was pres- 
 ent with the family at the “unveiling;” nothing was said 
 to him nor invitation given him to notice it. We saw that 
 his gaze was steadily fixed on it, and he soon became ex- 
 cited, and whined, and tried to lick and scratch it, and was 
 so much taken up with it that we — although so \vell know- 
 ing his intelligence — were all quite surprised ; in fact, 
 could scarcely believe that he should know it was my like- 
 ness. We, however, had sufficient proof after it was hung 
 up in our parlor; the room was rather low, and under the 
 picture stood a chair ; the door was left open without any 
 thought about the dog; he, however, soon found it out. 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 37 
 
 when a low whining and scratching was heam by the 
 family, and, on search being made, he was in the chair 
 trying to get at the picture. 
 
 After this I put it up higher, so as to prevent it being 
 injured by him. This did not prevent him from paying 
 attention to it, for whenever I was away from home, wheth- 
 er for a short or long time — sometimes for several . days — 
 he spent most of his time gazing on it, and as it appeared 
 to give him comfort, the door was always left open for him. 
 When I was long away, he made a low whining, as if to 
 draw attention to it. This lasted for years, in fact as long 
 as he lived and was able to see it. I have never kept a dog 
 since he died ; in fact I dare not, his loss so much affected 
 me. I might tell of many of his wonderful actions ; he 
 could do most of such things as are related of other dogs. 
 I am now only anxious to notice this recognition of my 
 likeness, from never having heard of another such fact be- 
 ing recorded of any other dog. 
 
 The Wrong Pig. 
 
 A tame bear recently had an immense amount of fun in 
 a country village. of France. Its owner, a strolling show- 
 man, prevailed upon a farmer, whose house he reached at 
 evening, to provide lodgings for the night, and the farmer, 
 in an accommodating spirit, removed a fine pig from a stall 
 in his barn to make room for the bear. In the middle of 
 the night three men, who had arranged to steal the pig,* 
 broke into the stall, and in the darkness began to kick the 
 occupant in the head, to arouse its sluggish energies. When 
 the farmer and his guest arrived, the bear had killed one' 
 of the thieves, fatally injured another, and driven the other 
 stark mad with fear. 
 
38 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 How a Deer Lived Over 3,000 Years. 
 
 This is the “Old Settler’s” story, which was suggested 
 by the death of Bill Long, a famous hunter of the Susque- 
 hanna Yalley, who died at the age of eighty- three. Said 
 his friend: 
 
 “I never think o’ Bill Long without havin’ to laugh 
 about a yarn he told me oncet, when I was campin’ with 
 him over on the Tionesta, long in ’30. The woods was jest 
 a humpin’ theirselves with game then. There was so many 
 deer that the settlers usety have to watch their grain fields 
 to keep the deer from eatin’ up their rye and oats; and I’ve 
 heerd that two old bucks made up their minds oncet to 
 paster on a farmer’s rye out there, an’ jest waltzed inter 
 two men that was watchin’ the field, and made ’em take to 
 the top o’ a ches’nut tree. Then the bucks fed ’round ez 
 cool ez if they’d sowed that rye theirselves, and it wasn’t 
 nobody’s business if they wanted to cut it ’fore ’twas ripe. 
 Every time the men ’d make a move to git from their roost, 
 one or t’other o’ the bucks ’d make for ’em with a blat 
 that ’d skeer the fellers out ’ 11 their wits almost, and ’d 
 send ’em back to the top o’ the tree like jumpin’ jacks on 
 a stick. The deer kep’ the men on the tree durn nigh 
 half a day, an’ then walked oflf to the woods ez innercent 
 ez lambs. 
 
 “One night Bill and me was a tellin’ stories in the cabin, 
 an’ he axed me if I know’d how long a deer would live, 
 * purvided him nor me wan’t a huntin’ in the woods where 
 the deer was puttin’ up. I said no, I didn’t, and he said 
 he didn’t neither. ‘But,’ says Bdl, ‘I know a feller that 
 b’lieves that deer lives to be more’n three thousand year 
 old.’ Course we had to laugh at this, and then Bill tells 
 me what made this feller think so. 
 
 *' ‘The feller’s name./ says he, ‘ is Joel Price, and he’s 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 39 
 
 a bark-peeler in the Siskjhanner. I was in camp over 
 there in 1820. There was a good many deer, and the year 
 afore, Bill Carpenter and me hung up more’n a hundred. 
 Bill wasn’t no hunter. He was alius a losin’ suthin’ or 
 other, and was so durn nervous in the woods that ’bout all 
 he was good fur was to cook and to tend to the camp. 
 One day I took him out to stand on the runway, and I 
 know’d I’d put a big buck right down to him from the 
 ridge. But I never heerd nuthin’ from him, and when I got 
 back to camp, behold ye, there was the wuthless rooster 
 settin’ by the fire smokin’ his pipe, ezif he hadn’t come out 
 fur to do anything else. I axed him what he left the run- 
 way fur, and whether he got a shot. He said he’d lost his 
 ramrod, and couldn’t do nothin’, so he came in. Well, the 
 next year, ez I said afore, I camped in the same woods. 
 Every night, most, some o’ the bark-peelers ’d come to my 
 cabin to hear me tell huntin’ stories. 
 
 “ ‘Well, this Joel Price come to my cabin every night. 
 He was one o’ these arguin’ fellers that knows everything 
 and don’t know nothin’ after all. He was great on gettin’ 
 relics, and takin’ ’bout ancient hist’ry. He talked by the 
 yard ’bout old Nimrod, and how he hunted, and said he 
 b’lieved the hunters o’ that time know’d ’bout guns and 
 powder. One day he wanted to stand on a runway, and I 
 took him out. I druv a buck right to him, and I heerd 
 him shoot. I went over to where he was to see what he’d 
 done. When I got there I saw he was as white as a sheet, 
 and was a hoppin’ up and down by the side o’ a thunderin’ 
 big buck he had knocked dead in his tracks by some acci- 
 dent or other. When he saw me he more’n hollered. He 
 had a ramrod in his hand. 
 
 “ ‘ Great hemlock, he hollered. I’ve killed the father o' 
 all deer, Bill! Here’s an animal that they ain’t no doubt 
 was hunted by the hunters that lived more’n three thousand 
 
40 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 years ago. This ramrod was in his hide. See what it says.^ 
 
 “I took the ramrod. On one side, near the big end, 
 was cut the letters, B. C., 1819. 
 
 “ ‘B. C., 1819!’ hollered Joel. ‘More’n three thousand 
 years ago! Mebbe ole Nimrod hisself sent that inter this 
 yer buck!’ 
 
 “‘I know’d now how Bill Carpenter had lost his ram- 
 rod the year before. He’d been loadin’ when he heerd 
 the deer a-comin’, and got so nervous that he forget to 
 take the ramrod out, and had fired it at the buck. It 
 plugged inter the buck under the skin, which had healed 
 up. Bill alius cut his ’nitials on every thing he had, and 
 the year he done it in. This buck was the same one he 
 had shot at. I told Joel how it was, but the durn fool 
 wouldn’t have it, and he b’lieves to this day that a deer ’ll 
 live to be more’n 3,000 year old if you leave it alone.’ ” 
 
 The Old Mastiff’s Revenge. 
 
 The mastifi* in question was old and toothless, but had 
 been a good fighting dog in his day, and still loved a fight. 
 He was dozing on his master’s front porch one day when 
 he saw a vigorous, saucy-looking yellow dog prowling about 
 outside of the gate. The venerable mastifi* made a sortie, 
 as it were, and after several minutes’ fighting got badly 
 licked. He was too old and feeble, and had evidently lost 
 his grip. Defeated, he skipped off to the backyard of his 
 master’s next door neighbor, who had a fine large dog in 
 the fighting prime of his existence. A brief conversation 
 was held in dog, and the neighboring dog accompanied the 
 aged mastiff to the street. That big country dog was look- 
 ing around for another old dog to whip, and the mastiff’s 
 healthy neighbor just went for him. The defeated yellow 
 dog seemed pretty soon to have important business in the 
 rural districts, judging by the way he scooted out of town. 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 41 
 
 Battling with Lions. 
 
 Mr. F. Falkner Carter, in charge of the elephants at- 
 tached to the Koyal Belgian expedition into Africa, gives 
 the following exciting account of a sudden encounter which 
 he had with lions at Kerima, Central Africa, at which place 
 he and his caravan of one hundred and eighty men had 
 arrived. In a letter received from him by the last mail, 
 dated from that station, he mentions the difficulties he had 
 experienced in procuring animal food for his men. “Our 
 only food,” he says, “consists of Indian corn, pounded be- 
 tween two stones, with a good share of sand, and only salt 
 with it. It is well to have even this, but still, men accus- 
 tomed all their lives to good animal food cannot live on 
 such poor fare, and so I go out every second or third day 
 with my gun and kill a zebra, eland, water-buck, etc. One 
 of any of these enables us to live in clover for a single day. 
 A recent expedition of this kind, however, nearly cost me 
 my life. I felt that I must go in search of food, as there 
 was not at the time a morsel in our camp, and so forth I 
 sallied. My first shot was at a giraffe, into whom I put 
 two bullets, and then followed him over hill and dale until 
 Aoon, when heat, thirst, and want of food obliged me to 
 give up the chase. After smoking a pipe and taking some 
 rest, I was off again ; got a shot at a zebra, but missed 
 him. The zebra, I should mention, is the best meat in 
 Africa. Rather disheartened, and grieving for the poor 
 hollow-eyed fellows I should meet on my return, for whom 
 I had nothing in the shape of food, I turned toward camp, 
 and just at 3:30 P. M. a fine boar dashed past me. I sent 
 a bullet through him at once, but on he went. I knew, 
 however, we should find him dead a few hundred yards 
 ahead, by the quantity of blood in the long grass; so I 
 followed, but just then sighted three zebras — so dropped 
 piggie’s trail and went off to try and stalk the zebras. In 
 
42 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 about ten minutes after I heard a fearful row, and my two 
 gun-bearers said it was a rhinoceros. I laid hold of my 
 No. 10 bore, handing my ‘express’ to my bearer, telling 
 him and the man carrying the smooth-bore to keep close to 
 me. I glided silently through the grass, over six feet high, 
 until close to the spot ; then I knew that if it were a rhinoc- 
 eros that he was lying down, as I could not see a sign of 
 him, so I decided it must be two wild boars fighting. Some- 
 thing told me they could not make such a horrible noise, 
 which actually seemed to shake the ground and rend the 
 very air around me. Strange to say, it never struck me 
 that the noise might have proceeded from lions, although 
 the place is full of them, so I advanced boldly, dividing the 
 grass with my rifle. I then discovered three lions devour- 
 ing the pig I had shot, and in that short time had finished 
 half of it. The two nearest were within two feet of me, 
 and the furthest three and a half feet. The brutes’ beards, 
 chests and claws were covered with blood. Though startled 
 at first, I was perfectly cool, and yet felt perfectly certain 
 that I must be killed, as even a tame lion is savage when 
 eating his food. The lion opposite caught sight of me at 
 once, curled his lips, lashed his sides with his tail, but what 
 the others were doing I cannot say, as my friend was in the 
 act of springing, and I dare not take my eye off him for a 
 second. At last he crouched for the spring, and I let drive 
 in his face, retreating a step to give me a chance with the 
 other barrel at one of the remaining two, determined to sell 
 my life dearly, but to my great delight these two sprang 
 over the grass in opposite directions. I gave a sort of sigh 
 of relief, looked around for my gun-bearers, and there they 
 were, fifty yards off, trembling with fear and blue with 
 fright. The rascals had run away, and I had no gun to fall 
 back upon. ' I returned to pick up my dead lion.” 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 43 
 
 ■lifrr ■■ 
 
 A Novel Use for the Cat. 
 
 So engrossing is the partiality of the domestic cat for its 
 home — so vehement its yearning to return thither when 
 circumstances over which it has no control have resulted in 
 its transfer to unfamiliar localities — that certain Dutch nat- 
 uralists have come to the conclusion that Grimalkin may be 
 utilized as a letter-carrier with considerable advantage to 
 public interests. These worthies propose to organize a ser- 
 vice of post-cats, and are at present engaged, by a series 
 of ingenious experiments, in testing pussy’s capabilities for 
 delivering the mails. Selecting Luik for their headquar- 
 ters, they thence dispatch a number of cats, securely tied 
 up in woolen bags, to the neighboring villages, where they 
 are freed from confinement and turned loose, with neat 
 packages of letters firmly strapped to their backs. At once 
 their domestic instincts come into full play, and they swift- 
 ly fiee homeward with answering directness. Of thirty- 
 seven cats, thus constrained to serve their country, not one 
 has hitherto failed to fulfill its postal function with excel- 
 lent punctuality. 
 
 It is feared, however, that when a double service shall 
 be arranged, difiiculties and delays may arise from the 
 meeting of post-cats on the high road. If the feline post- 
 man can be inspired with a high sense of duty, overriding 
 personal impulse, all will be well. Failing in this, we ap- 
 prehend that irrrgularities in delivery will take place. 
 
 A Boy’s Fight with a Panther. 
 
 Two little boys — the oldest fourteen — followed a dog to 
 a big tree, up which a panther had gone about sixty-five 
 feet. When the eldest lad saw the animal crouched and 
 glaring above, he felt that it was either to be a dead pan- 
 
44 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 ther or a death-struggle between it and himself and little 
 brother. He was a good shot generally, but here was to 
 be the severest test his young eye aud nerves had ever 
 been put to, and one that might well have tried an older 
 and stouter hunter. He drew the bead and fired, feeling 
 as he did so, he says, as if he had been lifted clear off his 
 feet. But there was the hungry brute yet, crouching on 
 the limb, its eyes fairly fit to burst in their malignant glare. 
 Bang went the gun of our brave young hunter, just as the 
 panther sprang. It seemed, said the lad, as though the 
 animal sprang out from the tree about twenty-five feet, then 
 came straight down, lighting on the dog, about sixteen feet 
 from the boys. The young hunter again thought he had 
 missed. Clubbing his gun, he advanced on the brute to 
 strike it, but it rolled over dead before he could do so. 
 Examination proved that his first shot had struck about 
 four inches back of the heart, the last one in the heart. 
 It was bravely and well done, and, but for the steady nerve 
 and true aim of the lad, he and his little brother would 
 doubtless have fallen victims to the animal’s ravenous hun- 
 ger. 
 
 His First Tiger. 
 
 Mr. Hornaday, the Rochester naturalist, gives the follow- 
 ing description of his first shot at a tiger in the wilds of 
 India : 
 
 “After tracking the beast for half a mile, I looked through 
 the clump of bamboos, and sure enough there was Old 
 Stripes in all his glory, and only thirty yards away. The 
 sun happened to be shining full upon him, and he was 
 simply gorgeous to behold. He looked perfectly immense. 
 I was determined to have a shot at him, hit or miss. When 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 45 
 
 I first sighted him he was walking across the bed of the 
 stream, going from us. I raised mj rifie and waited. He 
 reached the other bank, snuffed it a moment, and then 
 turned and paced back. Just as he got to the middle of 
 the stream he stopped short, raised his head and looked 
 full at us. It was then or never. Taking a very steady, 
 careful aim at his left eye, I fired, and without stopping to 
 see the effect of my shot, proceeded to reload with all 
 haste. In fact, I fully expected to see the great brute come 
 bounding round that clump of bamboos and upon one of 
 us, but I thought it might not be us he would attack, and 
 while he would be clawing the scalp off one of my men I 
 could send a ball into his brain. I expected that my men 
 would bolt as soon as they saw me getting ready to fire. I 
 should have done so had I been in their place, but they 
 .stood at my elbow like brave men, although totally un- 
 armed. When I had reloaded I looked again for Mr. 
 Stripes, and, sure enough, he was there. He was turning 
 round and round where he stood, with his head bent round 
 to the left, as though there was something the matter with 
 his left eye. I waited until his neck was fairly presented, 
 then fired again, aiming to hit the neck low. He instantly 
 dropped. I reloaded, waited a moment to see if he was 
 going to get up, then, with rifie at full-cock, and with the 
 tiger carefully covered, we advanced slowly and respect- 
 fully. He was done for, and lay there kicking and foam- 
 ing at the mouth, but soon became motionless, and I tried 
 to realize that my first tiger jay dead at my feet. I tell you, 
 you will never be able to fully realize the immense propor- 
 tions of a full-grown tiger until one springs upon 3^011 in the 
 jungle, or else lies dead at your feet. Up to that time I 
 had had terrible doubts about a tiger being able to ])ick up 
 a man in his mouth and run away with him as a fox does 
 with a goose, but when I measured the great brute I under- 
 
46 
 
 ANIMA.L STORIES. 
 
 stood how it was done. Just fancy a striped tomcat 9 feet 
 inches in length, 3 feet 7 inches high at the shoulders, 
 3 feet around the jaws, with teeth and claws to match, 
 weighing 495 pounds, and you will have an idea of the 
 size of that tiger.” 
 
 A Cat’s Sorrow and Gratitude. 
 
 It was apparent that it was either a cat or a dog, and an 
 effort was made to frighten it away from the shadow so 
 that curiosity might be satisfied ; but it refused to move 
 until actually driven, and then only a foot or two with great 
 reluctance. This was sufficient, however, and the ques- 
 tion was settled. It was a cat, but why did it seem loath 
 to retreat? 
 
 By stooping close to the ground the dead body of a gray 
 kitten about half-grown was discovered. The cat, which 
 had been driven away, seemed alarmed by the investigation, 
 and uttered several half-plaintive and defiant cries. The 
 gentleman says that he then walked several steps toward 
 the south and stopped to see what the old cat was going to 
 do. She immediately returned to the dead body, and after 
 walking around it for some time, she suddenly raised her 
 head and gave another cry. 
 
 This seemed to have been caused by another intruder, 
 and by following the direction of the cat’s eyes it was seen 
 that another cat was the cause of the distress. The latter 
 animal was hidden in a cellar door, with the exception of 
 its head. The light fell upon it, and there was something 
 interrogatory about the face. This cat’s object seemed to 
 be to learn what the other was doing, whilst the guardian 
 of the dead seemed to misunderstand the cause of the in- 
 trusion. 
 
 A well-aimed brickbat started the inquisitive cat on a 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 47 
 
 double quick, which doubtless carried him out of the neigh- 
 borhood. Immediately after his departure, the mourning 
 mother came away from the little corpse and rubbed herself 
 against the legs of him who had routed her enemy. She 
 also looked up into his face and mewed as if to ask pardon 
 for her former unkindness and to give him to understand 
 the true condition of her feline heart. Having received a 
 little kindness in return, she resumed her lonely watch be- 
 side the dead. 
 
 Sagacity of the Canine. 
 
 “I once witnessed,” says the Ettrick Shepherd, “a very 
 singular feat performed by a dog belonging to John Gra- 
 ham, late tenant in Ashiesteel. A neighbor came to his 
 house after it was dark, and told him that he lost a sheep 
 on his farm, and that if he (Graham) did not secure her in 
 the morning early, she would be lost, as he had brought 
 her far. John said he could not possibly get to the hill 
 next morning, but if he would take him to the very spot 
 where he lost the sheep, perhaps his dog Chieftain would 
 find her that night. On that they went away with all ex- 
 pedition, lest the traces of the feet should cool ; and I, then 
 a boy, being in the house, went with them. The night 
 was pitch dark, which had been the cause of the man 
 losing his ewe, and at length he pointed out a place to John 
 by the side of the water where he had lost her. ‘Chief 
 tain, fetch that,’ said John; ‘bring her back, sir.’ The 
 dog jumped around and around, and reared himself upon 
 an end ; but not being able to see any tiling, evidently mis- 
 apprehended his master, on which John fell to scolding his 
 dog, calling it a great many hard names. He at last told 
 the man that he must point out the very track that the sheep 
 went, otherwise he had no chance of recovering it. The 
 
48 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 man led him to a gray stone, and said he was sure she took 
 the brae (hill side) within a yard of that. ‘Chieftain, come 
 hitherto my foot, you great numb’d whelp,’ said John. 
 Chieftain came. John pointed with his finger to the ground : 
 ‘Fetch that, I say — bring that back, away!’ The dog 
 scented slowly about on the ground for some seconds, but 
 soon began to mend his pace, and vanished in the dark- 
 ness. ‘Bring her back — away, you great calf!’ vociferated 
 John, with a voice of exultation, as the dog broke to the 
 hill ; and, as all these good dogs perform their work in per- 
 fect silence, we neither saw nor heard any more of him for 
 a long time. I think, if I remember right, we waited there 
 about half an hour, during which time all the conversation 
 was about the small chance which the dog had to find the 
 ewe, for it was agreed on all hands that she must long ago 
 have mixed with the rest of the sheep on the farm. IIow 
 that was, no man will ever be able to decide. John, how- 
 ever, still persisted in waiting until his dog came back, 
 either with the ewe or without her ; and at last the trusty 
 animal brought the individual lost sheep to our very feet, 
 which the man took on his back, and went on his way re- 
 joicing.” 
 
 An Odd Fish. 
 
 In the waters of British North America, as we are in- 
 formed, there is a fish, an odd fish, as surprising in its way 
 as the sea serpent, and infinitely more useful. It is a spe- 
 cies of smelt, and may be poetically described as an aquatic 
 glow-worm. We are told it may be literally used in the 
 same way as a candle, by simply setting a light to the tail, 
 when it will burn with a fiame as steady as that of the 
 ‘dips’ which our grandfathers used to have to put up with 
 before gas was invented. It is a small, silvery fish, aver- 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 49 
 
 aging about fourteen inches long, is excessively fat, and 
 affords an excellent and valuable oil, which is so inffamma- 
 ble that the dried carcass will serve as a torch. Among the 
 natives the fish is known as the colahan, and by them, as 
 by others who have tasted it, is considered one of the most 
 delicious products of the sea, being far more delicate in 
 fiavor than the herring. The fish are caught in wicker 
 baskets, and are smoked as much as their oily nature will 
 allow. 
 
 Capturing Orangs in Borneo. 
 
 Mr. W. H. Hornaday, a celebrated traveler, describes 
 one of his orang hunts as follows : 
 
 “I got one orang alive during my stay in Borneo. He 
 was a young one — not larger than an 8 or 10 year-old boy. 
 "When we discovered him he was in a tree which stood out 
 alone by itself. The darkies cut the tree down, and there 
 he was. We had forked sticks all ready for - him, and we 
 put one of these over liis neck, thus pinning him down to 
 the ground. I would rather have put my hand against a 
 buzz-saw than into his mouth. He was as mad as a tiger, 
 and he took no pains to conceal his ferocity. On the con- 
 trary, he displayed it to the very best advantage. After 
 we had secured him safely, we tantalized him just to see 
 how far he would go in his anger. He actually became so 
 enraged that he took one of his own fingers between his 
 teeth and bit it through to the solid bone ! 
 
 Then, when we got him into the boat, he managed to 
 get hold of one of the fingers of his dead mother, lying be- 
 side him, and bit tliat quite as fiercely as he had his own. 
 I tied a rope around his neck and took him to headquarters. 
 There I assigned him to a bath-room, where ho could have 
 everything his own way. But ho was surly, and wouldn’t 
 
50 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 eat much of anythiug, though I did my level best to keep 
 liim supplied with the delicacies of the season, and especially 
 with boiled rice, which is deemed good for the orangoutang 
 when in captivity. But he only hung upon the rafters with 
 those long arms of his, and wouldn’t eat, except when he 
 tried to eat me. I couldn’t induce him to become an ad- 
 mirer of mine, and he pined away, as orangoutangs always 
 do in captivity. Their disposition seems to be such that 
 they prefer death to bondage, and this is probably the rea- 
 son they are so seldom seen even in the best of menageries. 
 One night we heard a heavy thud in the bath-room, and 
 when we went in to see what was the matter, there lay the 
 little mias, whose own obstinacy had been the death of him.’ ^ 
 
 Extraordinary Affection. 
 
 The mutual love of a rooster and a dog in Avon is re- 
 corded by The Rochester Union as follows : The rooster 
 is known by the name of “Dick,” to which he responds 
 very readily when called by his owner. The dog’s name 
 is “Sandy.” He is a mongrel with considerable of the 
 terrier in him, and endowed with more than usual intelli- 
 gence. It seems that when the rooster “Dick” was a very 
 young chicken he took to the dog “Sandy,” who returned 
 the affection warmly, and cared for the little fowl with all 
 the tenderness possible. When the dog went to sleep at 
 night, “Dick” would snug up to him, and thus obtain the 
 warmth of his body. Since then they have been constant 
 associates and pla3'mates, the rooster not seeming to care 
 a particle for the company of other roosters or hens, while 
 the dog preferred to play with “ Dick” rather than with 
 animals of his own kind. “Sandy” allows “Dick” to 
 perch on his back, while he lays stretched between two 
 chairs, and the rooster succeeds in sticking on while the 
 dog leaps from one chair to another. 
 
ANIMAL STOKIES. 
 
 51 
 
 Hounds Outrun by a Hare. 
 
 The London Telegrajph says : It has often been debated 
 whether the fleetness and stoutness of a good hare are 
 greater than those of a flrst-class greyhound. The best 
 hares in England are said to be those on the wolds of the 
 East Kiding of Yorkshire, and here it was that the cele- 
 brated Maj. Topham, of Wold cottage, near Malton, loved 
 to maintain that he could find a hare any morning capable 
 of showing her heels to the best pair of greyhounds that 
 were ever slipped, even though his own champion dog, 
 Snowball, were in the leash. Not long before Maj. Top- 
 ham’s death, in 1820, a boastful lover of the leash came to 
 Malton to pass a few days with the owner of Wold cottage. 
 The visitor talked loudly of the marvelous superiority of 
 two greyhounds which he had brought with him, and when 
 Maj. Topham expressed his opinion that on the morrow he 
 would find a hare which his friend’s greyhounds could not 
 touch, a bet of 20 guineas to 1 was laid by the backer of 
 the dogs against a hare whose form was well known to the 
 major, seeing that he had often slipped Snowball in pursuit 
 of her, and always without success. On the morrow the 
 hare was found in her usual seat in a fallow field, and away 
 she went, keeping to the top of the ridge, while the two 
 dogs in pursuit ran in the furrows, one to the right and the 
 other to the left of the ridge, along which the quarry held 
 her flying course. At first it seemed that the dogs were 
 gaining upon her, since the hare is the most cunning of all 
 animals which trust to their speed for safety. Shortly, she 
 ran through a hedge which bounded the fallow field, and 
 which the two dogs flew in their stride. But having left 
 the hedge behind her, the hare knew well that the moment 
 had arrived for putting on the speed. A broad down, with 
 crisp grass, and sloping gently upward for three miles, was 
 before her, and here it was that upon many previous occa- 
 
52 
 
 ANIMAL SI OKIES. 
 
 sions she haa left Maj. Topliam’s best dogs lar in the lurch. 
 Carefully watching her pursuers, she then began to increase 
 her speed, and before a mile was traversed the two dogs 
 were beaten off two hundred yards. As it is the peculiar- 
 ity of greyhounds, or gazehounds, that they abandon the 
 pursuit when they can no longer see the animal they are 
 chasing, Maj. Topham was inexpressibly entertained when 
 his friend’s dogs were observed to stop and raise themselves 
 on their long hind-legs, as is their fashion when unsighted. 
 When the major and the friend came up with them, they 
 were standing with their tongues out and looking at each 
 other, while the flying hare was at the top of the hill. Not 
 long afterward she was shot by a neighbor from behind a 
 hedge, to the great mortification of the major, who vowed 
 that no dog that was ever born could live with her upon the 
 Yorkshire wolds. She was carefully weighed after death, 
 and was found to weigh ten and a half pounds. Such was 
 her fame that a well-known sporting writer of the past, who, 
 under the nomde plume of Martingale, was a constant con- 
 tributor some forty years since to The Doncaster Gazette,, 
 openly avowed his belief that, “on a comparison of the 
 speed of the hare with that of the greyhound, the fleetest 
 hare will defeat the fleetest dog.” 
 
 Saw the Elephant and Died. 
 
 That there is a limit to elephantine endurance was proved 
 long ago by the dismal drenching administered to a certain 
 tailor of Delhi, whose excessive hardiness with the needle 
 prompted him to offer gratuitous and unprovoked insult to 
 a huge pachyderm which obtruded the tip of its trunk upon 
 his notice as he sat in his shop-window. A still more ter- 
 rible reprisal than this has recently been exercised by a 
 vexed elephant upon an imprudent person who' trifled with 
 
ANIMAL STOEIES. 
 
 53 
 
 the colossal beast's appetite until he provoked it to un- 
 governable fury. The elephant in question constituted the 
 “great attraction” of a traveling menagerie that arrived 
 in Amsterdam and was permitted to camp out in one of the 
 public gardens there. An old gentleman, inspired by the 
 elephant’s amiable expression of countenance, with the con- 
 viction that “Maharajah” would stand any amount of 
 teasing, proceeded to offer a tempting lump of bread to the 
 animal, deftly withdrawing it, however, beyond the reach 
 of Maharajah’s trunk each time that receptacle was thrust 
 forth to grasp it. This jocular performance having been 
 repeated several times, the elephant suddenly stepped for- 
 ward close to the side of the railing, seized his tormentor’s 
 body in his trunk, lifted him clean over the barrier inter- 
 posing between them, and hurled him to the ground. 
 Having got his enemy down. Maharajah trod upon him 
 with such vindictive vehemence that, when the “much too 
 merry” old gentleman was finally got out of the enclosure, 
 he wa.s dead. 
 
 Poisonous Fishes. 
 
 Poisonous fishes are often alluded to in ancient works, 
 and it is but due to their authors to say that their state- 
 ments have been fully confirmed by subsequent inquiry 
 into results. There is no doubt that congers, pike, and 
 barbel have been long, and still are, recognized in Europe 
 as poisonous at ceHain seasons, and the roe of the barbel 
 especially so. 
 
 The symptoms usually observed in cases of poisoning of 
 this kind are nausea, colic, great heat and itching of the 
 skin, quick pulse, giddiness, loss of vision, cold clammy 
 perspiration, and finally death under convulsions. The 
 exact nature of the poison has yet been but little ascer- 
 
64 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 tained. It has been ascribed bj some to the feeding of the 
 fish on poisonous mollusca, by some to the disengagement 
 of sulphuretted hydrogen, and by others again to a par- 
 ticular specific venom not yet discovered by chemical anal- 
 ysis. Whether the fish possesses that poisonous quality at 
 all seasons is not sufiiciently known ; but it seems that 
 most species belonging to the tribe are equally noxious, for 
 P. Osbeck, in his “ Voyage to China and the East Indies,” 
 gives the following startling account of the Tetraodon 
 ocelatus of Linnaeus: “This fish is one of the finest I ever 
 
 saw, but so poisonous that whoever eats of it generally 
 dies in two hours time. The Chinese who affirmed the 
 fact, seeing me take the fish into my hands, earnestly de- 
 sired me to wash myself, adding that it is forbidden under 
 some great penalty to be sold among other fish.” 
 
 Dr. Stuart Eldridge states that the salmon is doubtless 
 the most common toxic fish of Japan. From the spring 
 onward this fish is out of season, and if eaten after that 
 period of the year occasions such accidents as the eating of 
 tainted meat. In Japan the like dangers follow the eating 
 of the kateuo (bonito) and the maguro. The Lethrinus 
 nambo can be eaten with impunity until it attains a certain 
 size — say a length of five to five and a half inches — after 
 which it becomes poisonous. Here then it would appear 
 that the age of the fish has something to do with its in- 
 jurious qualities. Pappenheim gives a list of more than 
 forty poisonous species, principally inhabitants of the torrid 
 zone. Among these we find mackerels, perches, herrings, 
 and sea pikes. 
 
 A Spider Story. 
 
 To put the ingenuity of the spider to the test, a gentle- 
 man frequently placed one on a small upright stick, and 
 surrounded the base with water. After having discovered 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 65 
 
 that the ordinary means of retreat are cut off, it ascends 
 the point of the stick, and, standing nearly on its head, 
 ejects its web, which the wind readily carries to smne con- 
 ti</uous object. Along this the sagacious insect effects its 
 escape, not, however, until it has ascertained, _ by severd 
 exertions of its whole strength, that its weh is properly 
 attached to the other end. 
 
 A Struggle with a Devil-Fish. 
 
 Mr. Smale, the Government diver, who was attacked by 
 a large octopus, or devil fish, while at work recently on the 
 bed of the Moyne Kiver, at Belfast, in the Cdony of Yic- 
 toria, gives this account of the affair : “ Having thrust my 
 arm into a hole, I found it was held by something, and 
 the action of the water was stirring up the loose clay, and, 
 therefore, I could not see distinctly for a few minutes ; but 
 when it did clear away, I saw to my horror the arm^ of a 
 large octopus entwined around mine like a boa-constrictor, 
 
 andjust then he fixed some of his suckers on the back of 
 
 my hand, and the pain was intense. I felt as if my hand 
 was being pulled to pieces, and the more I tried to take it 
 away the greater the pain became. I had the greatest 
 difficulty in keeping my feet down, as the air rushed along 
 the interior of my dress and infiated it; and if my 
 got uppermost I should soon have become insensible held 
 in such a position ; and, also if I had given the signal to be 
 pulled up, the brute would have held on, and the chances 
 would have been that I should have had a broken arm. I 
 had a hammer with mo, but could not reach down to use it 
 on' the brute. There was a small iron bar about five leet 
 from me, and with my foot 1 dragged this along until I 
 could reach it with my left hand. And now the fight com- 
 
56 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 menced, and the more 1 struck him the tighter he squeezed^ 
 until raj arm got quite benumbed. After a while I found 
 the grip to relax a little, but he held on till I had almost 
 cut him to pieces, and then he relaxed his hold from the 
 rock and I pulled him up. I was completely exhausted, 
 having been in that position for over twenty minutes. I 
 brought the animal up, or rather, a part of it. We laid 
 him out, and he measured over eight feet across, and I feel ' 
 perfectly comnnced that this fellow could have held down 
 five or six men.” 
 
 Bismarck’s Big Dog. 
 
 One of the most important and generally respected mem- 
 bers of Prince Bismarck’s household is a large hound, 
 popularly designated the “ Bealm-Dog. ” This animal — 
 his mighty master’s inseparable companion — is stern of as- 
 pect and wrathful in disposition. He inspires fear, rather 
 than love, in all men save one, and has acquired a somewhat 
 formidable renown for having “collared ” several eminent 
 personages, — among them Prince Gortschakoflf, — whose 
 appearance inspired him with distrust, or in whom his in- 
 stincts revealed to him the entertainment of hostile pur- 
 pose toward his lord. For his extraordinary intelligence 
 in this respect he is highly prized by the Chancellor, who 
 is known to entertain considerable faith in the accuracy of 
 the Realm-Dog’s judgment of human character. Two 
 delegates from Altona, charged with the presentation of a 
 petition from that town to his HighnesSj were received by 
 Prince Bismarck in special audience. The Chancellor sat 
 in his comfortable rocking chair, the Realm-Dog stretched 
 on the carpet by his side, while the delegates, Messrs. 
 Nothnagel and Semple, took their seats on a leathern couch 
 facing his Highness. Messrs. Nothnagel held a roll of 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 57 
 
 paper in his right hand, and, being an energetic speaker, 
 accustomed to emphasize his argument bj gesticulation, he 
 waved his scroll about while addressing the Chancellor, 
 disregardful of the fact that his movements elicited several 
 disapproving utterances from the watchful hound. Present- 
 ly the dog rose with a fierce growl, whereupon Prince 
 Bismarck, hastily interrupting his interlocutor’s remarks, 
 exclaimed: “Do put down that scroll, I beg you. My 
 dog, like myself, entertains a profound aversion to every 
 kind of paper. He believes it to be a weapon.” It is 
 needless to add that Mr. Hothnagel promptly complied 
 with the request, obviously to the satisfaction of the Pealm- 
 Dog, who forthwith subsided into his former peaceful 
 attitude. 
 
 An Encounter with a Shark. 
 
 An adventure had by Captain David L. Longstreet of 
 Seabnght, N. J., has made him quite a hero. Captain 
 Longstreet didn’t catch the sea-serpent ; far from it, for he 
 was caught very nearly himself, as the following account 
 of his experience will show. Accompanied by a fellow-fish- 
 erman, Longstreet cast anchor ofi* the rocks, in ten fathoms 
 ot water, at dawn on Thursday, and for five or six hours 
 hauled in bluefish and sea bass without noteworthy inter- 
 ruption. The day was fine, the sea was right, and the trail 
 was strong. Suddenly the fish stopped biting. Longstreet 
 was unable to account for the phenomenon, but while think- 
 ing it over he felt the strong pull of a bluefish at his hook. 
 At the same instant he saw the dorsal fin of a shark close 
 by the boat. The shark’s tail churned the water into foam 
 twelve feet behind the fin. 
 
 When the shark snapped at the bluefish which Long- 
 street was pulling to the boat, he could see that it was not 
 
58 
 
 animal stokies. 
 
 the common shark, but the black shark, or dreaded man- 
 
 th! W iTf continues ; “I let go of my line, but 
 the bluefish darted straight for the boat, slipping under it 
 and escaping. The shark following closely with open 
 mouth, plunged his nose through the ‘tucl/of the bo"at! 
 about a foot forward of the stern, and his under jaw closed 
 on the keel with a crash like the cut of an ax in 1 dry tree 
 trunk. Water spurted into the boat. The shock thrL me 
 eadforemost out of the boat. I sank, and as I rose I felt 
 tha I was being kept under by the agitation of the water 
 by the shark s tail, which stirred the water like the propel- 
 ler of a tug. But I struck out vigorously, and, to my 
 horror, came to the surface alongside the tail of the shark^ 
 I put out my hand before I fully realized where I was, and 
 touched his cold body, and I remember I thought, ‘How 
 hard and strong this is ! ’ ° 
 
 “As I turned to swim towards the boat my right foot 
 struck his long tail, and here is the mark of the contact. As 
 soon as I got to swimming I felt at ease. I didn’t seem to 
 realize, as I do now, the horrible fate that awaited me if 
 
 the struggling monster alongside of me got his head clear 
 
 o the hole in the boat. But I expected every moment to 
 see him turn and snap me up as he would a weak fish. I 
 climbed into the boat, helping myself by putting my knee 
 on the shark s back.” Meanwhile the other fisherman had 
 been shouting for help, and a reliei boat soon approached, 
 the struggling shark freeing itself and escaping ” 
 
 A Snake Fight. 
 
 While the Eev. J. H. McGahen was driving on his way 
 one day to Fulton, N. T., as he reached a small stream of 
 water which crosses the road, he was permitted to witness 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 69 
 
 a scene both novel and interesting. Mr. McGahen thus 
 describes the contest : 
 
 Two large water-snakes were contending for the posses- 
 sion of a small fish which had been captured (the fish be- 
 ing about eight inches in length), while two smaller snakes, 
 one on each side of the contestants, with heads slightly 
 raised above the water, were apparently interested specta- 
 tors to the struggle, but neither interfered. One of the 
 larger snakes had seized the fish by the head, while the 
 other grasped him by the tail, the former of course having 
 much the better hold, owing to the tapering form of the 
 fish ; but it was a long pull and a strong pull ; the water 
 was lashed into quite a fury[; the snake with the tail-hold 
 wound himself twice around a small stick fastened near him, 
 giving him quite an advantage over his antagonist. 
 
 After a desperate struggle of about five minutes, the 
 snake with the head-hold wrested the contested prey from 
 his opponent, and bore it rapidly away up the stream in tri- 
 umph, while his vanquished snakeship, crestfallen, supperless 
 and subdued, slunk away out of sight. It was an intensely 
 exciting performance, but probably not a very pleasing one 
 to the poor fish. 
 
 A Parrot Scattering Railroad Passengers. 
 
 At the Henry House, Meadville, Pa., there is a parrot 
 which is a source of great annoyance to train men. When 
 it sees a freight train coming it will yell at the top of its 
 voice : “ Switch off! Switch off!” The enunciation is so 
 
 distinct that it not unfrequently happens that the train will 
 be switched to avoid a supposed danger. The same bird, 
 when it sees a passenger train, will yell, “All aboard!” 
 and thereby cause a scattering among the passengers, who, 
 after sitting in the cars for ten or fifteen minutes, will dis- 
 cover that they have been sold. 
 
CO 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 
 The Pigeons of Venice. 
 
 Everybody has heard of the pigeons which flock daily to 
 the famous Square of St. Mark’s, in Venice, to be fed, and 
 many Americans have, no doubt, seen them resting upon 
 the shoulders and arms of the woman who dispenses their 
 daily bread to them. Many are the stories told of their 
 origin ; how their ancestors served the republic by bringing 
 back news from its fleets, and so on ; but none of them are 
 very well established, except that the birds have always 
 been regarded as town property, and have been fed out of 
 a fund set apart for that purpose, which is now said to have 
 been a donation from the Countess Policrasto. Until lately 
 it would have been thought little less than sacrilege to 
 touch a feather of them, but recently a Venetian boy was 
 discovered carrying off a pigeon, evidently with a view to 
 pie. The case was carried into court, where it was decided 
 that the pigeons had never been legally conveyed to the 
 town, consequently they were nobody’s property, but, so to 
 speak, wild fowl, and that boy was only following his 
 natural instincts in catching them, and must be acquitted. 
 
 The Boss Snake. 
 
 Says the St. Louis Post-Dispatch : A gentleman who is 
 ordinarily truthful sends us the following extraordinary 
 snake story from Lebanon, Mo., the reader being left to 
 judge of its accuracy: 
 
 “Last Friday terrible havoc was done on the farm of 
 Henry Miller, in the vicinity of Lebanon. About 3 o’clock 
 in the afternoon, Mr. Miller, who was conversing with the 
 Rev. James Albery, a Methodist minister, heard a tremen- 
 dous uproar in the direction of a hog-pen in which was con- 
 fined a sow with a litter of ten young ones. The preacher 
 and farmer rushed out to the pen, when they were thunder- 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 61 
 
 struck with amazement. A gigantic snake, apparently fifty 
 feet long, had raised itself erect and was looking down on 
 the terror-stricken hogs. Presently several young snakes, 
 ranging from a foot to a foot and a half in length, sprang 
 from the snake’s mouth and began attacking the litter. 
 The monster, with a continuous hissing roar, stretched out 
 three frightful-looking fangs, which were from four to five 
 feet in length, and advanced toward the hog, which stood 
 in a corner trembling in every limb, unable to move, as if 
 fascinated by the immense snake. 
 
 ‘‘Meanwhile Mr. Miller had rushed to his house, seized 
 his shot-gun, and just as the gigantic beast ^as about to 
 dart on his prey, fired. The shot did not appear to have 
 any effect, but the monster quickly raised itself, turned in 
 the direction of the shot, stretched forth his formidable 
 fangs, and emitted a noxious vapor almost as nauseating as 
 asafoetida. Then it give a low, hissing wail, upon which 
 signal the several young snakes leaped into the maternal 
 maw, and the huge seipent took to flight. Mr. Miller fired 
 again. The snake trailed itself with immense rapidity. 
 The two men followed the trail and called for assistance, 
 but when they got to the wood they lost all trace of it. A. 
 body of men surrounded the wood an hour later with guns 
 and revolvers, and beat the bush thoroughly. The snake 
 had disappeared. Great alarm is felt in the vicinity. Four 
 of the litter were killed by the young snakes. 
 
 “ Mr. Albery, the Methodist preacher, was in town yes- 
 terday, and was interviewed by your correspondent. He 
 affirmed the correctness of the above story. lie described 
 the monster as between forty and fifty feet in length, with 
 a flattened head, the size of a large beer keg, two lustrous, 
 flaming eyes, and three terrible-looking fangs. The body 
 was all covered with a sort of scales, resembling those of a 
 fish, which glistened like silver. The tail was about nine 
 
62 
 
 ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 feet long, ys divided into two parts, and apparently was 
 extremely flexible. When the snake was aghated it gave 
 forth a hissing roar. But the most striking feature was two 
 mammoth wings which lay along the sides of the serpent 
 IJeave^ long umbrella, about fifteen feet in length. 
 Nei her Mr Albery nor Mr. Miller knew there were wfngs 
 
 them'“Tr^'"® Its escape the animal suddenly extended 
 them. They were something similar to the wings of a bat 
 were a most transparent. Each wing, when extended, 
 must have had a surface of at least 140 feet. With their 
 aid the animal leaped over a fence seven feet hiffh. It was 
 at this point that the snake became lost to riewT and onlv 
 fts trail was discernible in the tall reeds. Both the Rev. 
 Mr Alberj and farmer Miller are reputabJe, honest, and 
 truth-loving persons, who stand high in the community, 
 and both vouch for the truth of this story. Indeed, Mr. 
 Miller has made an affidavit thereto.” 
 
 A Teasing Parrot. 
 
 A lady on Seneca street, says a Utica paper, is the 
 owner of a small frisky dog and a very talkative parrot. 
 Occasionally Polly gets demoralized, and, instead of Shav- 
 ing herself like a good lady bird should, she gives vent to 
 terrible shrieks, and endeavors to be as bad as she possibly 
 can. When sne takes these spells, the dog, knowing that 
 a reprimand is needed, goes to the cage and administers 
 several severe rebukes in the shape of a savage little bark. 
 Recently Poll sat upon her perch with all the dignity pos- 
 sible. The dog was taking a nap in an adjoining room, 
 buddenly, without a moment’s notice. Poll let loose two or 
 three unearthly screeches. The dog was awakened, of 
 course, and immediately started for the cage at a full run 
 barking as he went. After he had scolded, as he thought,’ 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 enough he adjourned to the other room and snugpd him- 
 self for another snooze. He had no more than closed his 
 eyes before Poll shrieked again, longer and louder than 
 before. Up jumped the dog, and out he went 
 furiously. When he reached the cage. Poll, who had 
 stopped her noise to give the dog a chance, began to ar 
 lust as loud as her four-legged associate. Penny choked 
 himself off and gazed on in holy horror. He stood 
 at the cage for several minutes. Finally his tail dropped 
 between his legs and he turned round and left the spot. 
 Just as he was going out of the room Poll stopped parking, 
 
 a sort of pleased expression crept down her jagged beak, 
 
 and as the dog faded from view she yelled after him, 
 “Good-by, Penny,” and without further ado resumed her 
 meditations upon her perch. 
 
 The Prophecy of a Greyhound. 
 
 Richard II., of England, had a greyhound called Mach, 
 beautiful beyond measure, who would not notice or follow 
 any one but the King. Whenever the King rode abroad 
 the greyhound was loosed by the person who had him in 
 charge, and ran instantly to caress him, by placing his two 
 fore feet on his shoulders. It fell out that as the King 
 and the Duke of Lancaster were conversing in the court of 
 the castle, tkeir horses being ready for them to mount, the 
 greyhound was untied, but instead of running as usual to 
 the King, he left him and leaped to the Duke of Lancas- 
 ter’s shoulders, paying him every court, and caressing him 
 as he used to caress the King. The Duke, not acquainted 
 with this greyhound, asked the King the meaniqg of his 
 goodness, saying : 
 
 “ What does this mean ?” 
 
64 
 
 ANIMAL SIOKIES. 
 
 “ Cousin,” replied the King, “ It means a great deal for 
 you and very little for me.” 
 
 “ How?” said the Duke. “ Pfay explain it.” 
 
 “I understand by it,” answered the King, “ that this 
 greyhound fondles and pays his court to you this day, as 
 King of England, which you will surely be, and I shall be 
 deposed ; for the natural instinct of the dog shows it to him. 
 Keep him, therefore, by your side, for he will now leave 
 me and follow you.” 
 
 The Duke of Lancaster treasured up what the King said, 
 and paid attention to the greyhound, who would nevermore 
 follow Kichard of Bordeaux, but kept by the side of the 
 Duke of Lancaster, as was witnessed by thirty thousand 
 men . — Chronicles of Froissart. 
 
 A Cat Story. 
 
 Joel D. Havans, living north of Battle Creek, in Barry 
 county, Mich., has in his possession a most remarkable 
 cat. A short time ago it had a litter of kittens, which were 
 all drowned except one. The bereaved feline mother, 
 coming across a nest of young rats that day, took the' young 
 rodents by the neck, deposited them in her own nest, and 
 nursed and fondled them as affectionately as though they 
 were her own flesh and blood. Another cat on the place, 
 in the absence of this adopted mother, caught and killed two 
 of these young rats, but the remaining one is as sleek and 
 fat, and takes as kindly to the old cat as though there were 
 ties of relationship. The cat will fight as quickly to protect 
 this young rat as it will for its remaining kitten. 
 
ANIMAL STORIES. 
 
 65 
 
 Henry Clay’s Dog. 
 
 Mr. Clay had a fine Newfoundland dog that was pre- 
 sented by an admiring friend who lived in Nova Scotia. 
 The dog was very intelligent, and the “ Sage of Ashland ” 
 trained him with his own hand to perform a number of 
 wonderful tricks, one of which is as follows : In one 
 
 of the pastures in which Mr. Clay allowed his finest 
 stock to run was a fine well, with a large trough attached, 
 by means of which the cattle were supplied with water. 
 The water was drawn from the well by the bucket-and- 
 spindle system, but it required a great deal of manual labor 
 to keep it in operation. 
 
 To avoid this Mr. Clay constructed a small treadmill, at- 
 tached it to the spindle of the well with an iron crank, and 
 then trained the dog to walk the treadmill. In this man- 
 ner the trough was kept constantly filled with water, and 
 the clever dog became so accustomed to the performance 
 that, without the necessity of being bid, he made it his duty 
 to watch the well constantly and see that the trough always 
 had in it a sufiicient supply of water to keep the coppers of 
 the blooded stock cool. 
 
 Mr. Clay loved the dog, and was fond of watching him 
 go through the performance. He would always have the 
 performance exhibited to his visitors, and when the good 
 old canine finally gave up the ghost he had him respectfully 
 buried, and erected at the head of his grave an elegant 
 marble slab. 
 
MISCELLANY. 
 
 Curiosities of Animal Life. 
 
 The distinguished Leibnitz relates an instance of animal 
 education which is quite exceptional. A countryman, liv- 
 ing near Zecta, in Misnia, owned a dog of medium size in 
 which was discovered a disposition to speak— at least, he 
 uttered sounds which so far resembled words in the Ger- 
 man tongue that one of the children of the family conceived 
 the extraordinary idea of teaching him to talk. In two 
 years time the young teacher was so far successful as to 
 have taught the dog to correctly pronounce thirty words. 
 
 M. Delafond speaks of a German who had educated six 
 rats to a surprising degree. They answered to their names 
 with promptitude, and saluting their spectators with arch 
 grace, executed a score of exercises with much cleverness 
 and quick obedience. 
 
 An Englishman by the name of Wildham, in 1774 liad 
 the patience to educate several hives of bees and wasps. 
 He displayed a comb full of these insects, and in the space 
 of two minutes caused them to settle upon the hat of one of 
 the spectators. Thence he caused them to alight upon his 
 naked arm and form a muff. They next settled upon his 
 head and face, on which they made a kind of mask. They 
 then marched upon a table according to his orders. That 
 which was most extraordinary in the talents of this singu- 
 lar man was that he could make the same experiments with 
 
68 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS 
 
 whatever swarm was ofiered to him, and even with wasps 
 and flies, and that he himself was never in any danger of 
 being stung. 
 
 Both the mocking-bird and the parrot reproduce with 
 amazing fldelity not only spoken language, with its many- 
 syllabled words and complex sentences, but also the multi- 
 tudinous sounds and voices of other animals, strains of mu- 
 sic, the blowing of whistles, and the various ringing of 
 bells. More than this, there is observable a distinct and 
 unmistakable language among the lower animals. Birds 
 chirp and twitter slower or faster in the communication of 
 their desires to one another ; the horse neighs variously, 
 and the dog expresses by twenty difierent snarls, and 
 growls, and' barks, as many shades of feeling, which ideas 
 are understood and responded to by those of his kind to 
 whom they are addressed. 
 
 It may be said of the lower animals that, unlike their 
 masters, their virtues are somewhat in excess of their vices. 
 Says Mr. Darwin : 
 
 “There can be no doubt that dogs feel shame as distinct 
 from fear, and sometimes very like modesty when begging 
 too often for food. A great dog scorns the barking of a lit- 
 tle dog, and this may be called magnanimity.” 
 
 As to love, it seems with most of our dumb companions 
 to be all of a passion, as is instanced by every-day experi- 
 ence, and the record of attachments that were strong and 
 enduring as life. The maternal afiection is cherished by 
 the brute world to a degree of heroism. There are in- 
 stances where the dumb parent has starved herself to death 
 in her desperate efibrts to supply her offspring with food ; 
 others, where she has fought for them until killed ; and 
 others, where she has died of grief because of the destruc- 
 tion or disappearance of her infant family. 
 
 Gratitude is a leading and very remarkable principle in 
 
l,iliT!f,f:V 
 
 I f I 
 
 V 
 
 ANECDOTES. 
 
 69 
 
 the brute, especially expressed by the elephant and the 
 dog. Constancy and devotion follow, and with real mag- 
 nanimity they will receive good and evil of the same hand, 
 and fulfill every duty with the same unswerving fidelity. 
 These animals have been known to defend their masters 
 directly after being abused by them, and from a sense of 
 duty, a greyhound, after having broken his thigh, has run 
 on till the course was concluded. 
 
 Courage and fear are exhibited by animals with singular 
 variation, and while some are brave by inheritance, others 
 are by example. Like human cowards, some animals will 
 shamefully run when they can, and only fight when they 
 must. Animals exhibit both dignity and pride, and often 
 express profound displeasure at insults and uncleanliness. 
 Patience under restraint, industry and moderation, are dis- 
 tinctive animal virtues. Most species will not only refuse 
 to eat a bite more than nature requires, but it is mentioned 
 of a dog, that having once been made intoxicated, he ever 
 afterward snarled when a pewter-pot was even brought into 
 his presence. 
 
 The principle of perseverance finds many illustrations in 
 brute life. Eobert Bruce is said to have observed a spider 
 make repeated efibrts to reach, with his web, a given point 
 on one of the rafters of a barn, the thirteenth and last time 
 succeeding. An ant was once remarked to fail in sixty- 
 nine consecutive attempts to round a sharp corner of a cor- 
 nice with a burden, but in making the seventieth effort the 
 persevering little creature achieved his end. 
 
 A singular sensitiveness is expressed by many animals. 
 Monkeys decidedly dislike being laughed at, and dogs and 
 horses are conscious of much slighter injuries than, at first 
 thought, is conceived. A baboon in the London Zoological 
 Garden is insulted to the extent of a rage, when his keep- 
 er reads aloud a letter or book in his presence, and at one 
 
70 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS 
 
 1 
 
 time, so violent was liis fit, be bit his own leg until the 
 blood fiowed. 
 
 The faculty of memory seems to be possessed by all ani- 
 mals, and by some to an astonishing extent. Three years 
 after the perpetration of a certain crime, a Newfoundland 
 dog singled out the murderer of his master from a vast con- 
 course of people, and grasping him by the throat, with ter- 
 rible vengence, would have shortly killed him. The con- 
 duct of the dog resulted in bringing the criminal to a justice 
 which else might have escaped him. 
 
 Upon the occasion of a visit of a menagerie to a village, 
 one of the elephants was given, fresh from the mouth of 
 one of the bystanders, a quid of tobacco. The brute spat 
 it upon the ground with evident disgust, and looked rue- 
 fully at its donor, who stepped out of his reach. Two 
 years afterward the exhibition revisited the same place, 
 when the tobacco man, passing sufiiciently near the ele- 
 phant, was struck a very severe blow by the trunk of the 
 offended beast. 
 
 Animals never forget even general acquaintances, much 
 less their masters, and some bear a grudge for an incredibly 
 long period. 
 
 Our dumb friends very generally profit by experience, as 
 is proven by the fact that when once deceived by a trap, 
 ever after avoid such. For this reason young animals are 
 more frequently caught by trappers than old ones. All of 
 the brute creation feel wonder and curiosity, and most of 
 them are expert imatators. 
 
 Though monkeys arc perhaps the representatives of the 
 latter class, it is largely found also among canary birds, 
 parrots, dogs, horses, and even rats. It is not an uncom- 
 mon practice for a dog to jump up at the handle of a door 
 as if to open it. A chimpanzee will use a stone to crack a 
 nut, and these and baboons will fight one another with 
 
ANECDOTES. 
 
 71 
 
 sticks in hand-to-hand encounters, and exercise the strategy 
 or rolling stones upon the heads of the enemy from heights 
 above. Puppies have been known to lick their feet and 
 wash their faces after the manner of their foster mothers. 
 
 The brute creation feel and express anger as distinctly as 
 humans, and are susceptible to the bitterest hatred, if not 
 revenge. Elephants, and especially dogs, are also jealous, 
 sometimes to a degree of envy, and until they are a burden 
 to themselves. All animals are more or less selfish, very 
 generally looking out for number one, and though they 
 rarely become gluttons, they have been known to eat what 
 they did not want only to prevent any other animal from 
 possessing it. 
 
 Some Singular Aversions. 
 
 Gretry, the composer, could not endure the scent of the 
 rose, neither could Anne of Austria. The mere sight of 
 the queen of flowers was too much for Lady Heneage, bed- 
 chamber woman to Queen Bess ; indeed, Kenelm Digby 
 records that her cheeks became blistered when some one 
 laid a white rose upon it as she slept. Her ladyship’s an- 
 tipathy was almost as strong as that of the dame who faint- 
 ed when her lover approached her wearing an artificial rose 
 in his button-hole. A violet was a thing of horror to the 
 eyes of the Princess de Lamballe ; tansy was abominable to 
 an Earl of Barrymore ; Scaliger grew pale before the wa- 
 ter-cress ; and a soldier, who would have scorned to turn 
 his back on a foe, fled without shame from a sprig of rue. 
 
 The Secretary of Francis I. used to stop up his nostrils 
 with bread if he saw a dish of apples, to prevent an other- 
 wise inevitable bleeding at the nose. A Polish King had 
 an antipathy to both the smell and sight of this wholesome 
 fruit, and a family of Aquitaine had a hereditary hatred of 
 it. A Flemish damsel was sadly troubled by an uncom- 
 
72 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS 
 
 fortable aversion to the smell of bread. Cheese, mutton, 
 musk, and ambergris have been so repugnant to some nasal 
 organs as to send their owners into convulsions. 
 
 A poor Neapolitan was always seized with a fit upon at- 
 tempting to swallow a morsel of fresh meat of any kind, 
 and Nature thus condemed him to vegetarianism, a sorer 
 affliction than that suffered by Guianerius, whose heart 
 palpitated violently if he indulged in a pork dinner, or by 
 the lady who could not taste of beer without her lips swel- 
 ling to uncomfortable dimensions. Dr. Front had a patient 
 who declared honest mutton was as bad as poison to him. 
 Thinking this was all fancy, the Doctor administered the 
 obnoxious meat under various disguises, but every experi- 
 ment ended in a severe vomiting fit. 
 
 Another unlucky individual always had a fit of the gout 
 a few hours after eating fish ; and a Count d’Armstadt 
 never failed to go off in a faint if he knowingly or unknow- 
 ingly partook of a dish containing the slightest modicum of 
 olive oil. A still worse penalty attatched to lobster salad 
 in the case of a lady, for, if she ventured to taste it at a 
 dinner-party, her neck, before she returned to the ball- 
 room, would be covered with ugly blotches, and her peace 
 of mind destroyed for that evening. 
 
 According to Burton, a melancholy Duke of Muscovy fell 
 instantly ill if he looked upon a woman ; and another au- 
 thority was seized with a cold palsy under similar provoca- 
 tion. Weinrichur talks of a nobleman who drew the 
 line at old ladies, which did not prevent him losing his life 
 in consequence of his strange prejudice; for being called 
 from the supper-table by some mischievous friends to speak 
 to an old woman, he fell down directly he beheld her, and 
 died then and there. What an old woman did for this old 
 hater, an eclipse did for Charles d’Escaro, Bishop of Lan- 
 gres. It was his inconvenient custom to faint at the com- 
 
ANECDOTES. 
 
 73 
 
 mencementofa lunar eclipse, and remain insensible as- 
 long as it lasted. When he was very old and very infirm 
 an eclipse took place. The good Bishop went off as usual, 
 and never came to again. Old John Langley, who settled, 
 in Ireland in 1651, cherished an antipathy quite as obstin- 
 ately, but had no idea of dying of it. By his last will and 
 testament he ordered his corpse to be waked by fifty Insh- 
 men, for each of whom two quarts of aqua vitm were to be 
 provided, “in the hope that, getting drunk, they would 
 take to killing one another, and do something toward les- 
 sening the race ."—Changer's Jovrnal. 
 
 Sojne Very Remarkable Statistics ! 
 
 A Detroiter has been for the last two years collecting 
 and arranging statistics of an odd nature, and if his book is 
 ever published readers will find nothing dry about it. He 
 goes right to business on page 1 by estimating that the 
 
 number of lickings received by the average boy up to his 
 
 14th year is 126. This includes the spanking process dur- 
 inff infancy. 
 
 Out ofevery 100,000 people in this country, 19,000 get 
 up cross in the morning, but only a hundred or so remain 
 in that condition very long after breakfast. 
 
 Out of 50,000 men only 600 will put up money on a bet. 
 The rest will crawfish around and finally back water on 
 their assertions. 
 
 Only 10 women out of every 600 who start out on a jour* 
 ney by railroad consult a railroad-map or have the least 
 idea of the direction they take. Four hundred and ninety- 
 eight worry about their baggage ; 497 are certain they took 
 the wrong train ; 494 wish they never had started. 
 
 The risk of being bitten by a dog is greatly overestimated. 
 Out of every 1,000 big and little dogs only two care to get 
 

 up a row witli the human race, and those two are ready and 
 Willing to die. *' 
 
 The nun»ber of men who can put in a more pleasant 
 evening down-town than at their own fireside is on the de- 
 crease, and the number of wives who are taking a little ex- 
 tra pains to make home more pleasant than a concert-saloon 
 IS on the increase. 
 
 Out of every 1,000 men who get mad and swear they 
 
 tTirns 
 
 Out of every 1,000 women who ride on street-ears, only 
 twelve will move along to ofi-er another woman a chance to . 
 sit down. Nine hundred and ninety-eight of them argue 
 that It IS a man s duty to stand up, even if there is plenty 
 of room ; and the other two are supremely indifierent. 
 
 Only one woman in 5,000 pays the first price asked for a 
 bonnet, and only one milliner in 1,000,000 expects her to. 
 
 The time occupied by the average man in buying a full 
 suit of clothes IS just one-fourth the time occupied by the 
 avera^ woman m buying a single pair of stockings.— 
 troit Free 
 
 the END. 
 
 I 
 
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 LISrAPY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS 
 URBANA 
 
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 .»300H« .lAXa 3H'! «0.-. 
 
 
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 .a l^fl 
 
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FOR THE D£AF, RHODES’ 
 
 AUDIPHONE. 
 
 THE ONLY INVENTION 
 
 THAT ENABLES THE DEAF TO HEAR 
 
 THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF THE TEETH, AND THE DEAF AND 
 DUMB TO HEAR AND LEARN TO SPEAK. 
 
 RICHARD S. RHODES, 
 
 OXTICJ^G-O. 
 
 Principal American Office and Audiphone Parlors: 
 
 Methodist Church Block, 
 
 Corner Clark and Washington Sts. CHICAGO, ILL. 
 
 PAIVIPHLETS FREE. 
 
 INVENTED AND MANUFACTURED BY 
 
 A Clan of Deaf Mutes Listening to Music for the First Time, by aid of the Audiphone. 
 From Frank Leslie's Illustrated Newspaper^ Dec. 13, 1879. 
 

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