812 . Cx48t Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign Alternates https://archive.org/details/louessmusicalfarOOglen K-Louess.4* A MUSICAL FARCE. IN TWO ACTS, — BY — Byron P. Glenn. 0 TO WHICH IS ADDED A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES— CAST OF THE CHARAC- TERS— ENTRANCES AND EXITS— RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 0 Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1901 by AMES' PUBLISHING CO., in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. O AMES’ PUBLISHING CO. cj.YDE. ohio; LOUESS. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Jack Nife A keen-edged young fellow. Mr. Stanton A lawyer with a cane of his own . Weary. . (Remember the bad, penny f) That's him. Moses, ^ ..A chunk of charcoal with chalk in his cheek. Jimmy, ( An office boy , who can say yes or no. Parson Brown An X ray , who sees through everything- -nit. Policeman Born in America , but still an Irishman. Rose Just budding \ rain or shine. Violet .A spring beauty all the year. Marqcjerettk A daisy but not a coquette. Buttercup. . . . . . Brim full of fun, with lots of gold. Aunt Tilda Louess's aunt, on the war path for a spouse. Louess Papa's pet , but full of romance . TIME. — Present. PLACE. — A ny old place. TIME OF PLA YING — 1 hour and 45 minutes. COSTUMES. Jack Nife. — Act 1st.; duck suit. Act 2nd.; business suit. Moses.— Blue suit, black colored face, negro wig. Weary. — A ct 1st.: tramp out-fit, short crop beard. Act 2nd.: very sporty suit. (Burlesque.) Mr. Stanton. — B usiness suit, bald wig, large stomach. Parson Brown. — Prince Albert coat and silk hat, side whiskers. Policeman. — Uniform, red sluggers. Jimmy. — Blue suit, short crop wig. Rose. — Act 1st.; pink empire gown with hat to match — wear roses. Act 2nd.; pretty outing costume. Violet. — Act 1st.; lavender or purple gown— wear violets. Act 2nd.; pretty outing costume. Marquerette. — Act 1st.; white empire gown — wear daisies. Act 2nd.; pretty outing costume. Buttercup. — Act 1st.; yellow enpiregowu — wear buttercups. Act 2nd.; pretty outing costume. Aunt Tilda. — Elaborate old maid costume, blond wig with curls. Louess. — Act 1st.; first dress, red costume; second, up-to date traveling suit. Act 2nd.; outing costume. PROPER TIES. Act I. — A safe, (can be made from a store box.) trumpet, bottle of hair oil, sign, (Tramps received in rear of house) not less Hum 3x4 feet; dusting brush, bell for .Weary; oil painting without frame, package of dynamite, package of diamonds, certificate with red seal, doll trunk, razor, pen andbottle of ink, dummy of Irish cook, book G442- LOUESS. for Parson, toy pistol, revolver to fire shot, bo* of red fire, bread board, (two parts) flour for Moses, Standard for Jack, door bell, ex- plosion. Act II. — Telephone, fire screen, watch for Stanton, glass crash, safe, door bell, cigar, bottle of wine, grease paint for Aunt Tilda, shutters on windows, hand mirror. synopsis of events. ACT I. — Moses and the Cook — “Me and dat cook am gwine to get mixed up some of dese days” — Private theatricals — The proposal — - “Dis am so sudden”— Jack — “Poetry, oh for a pencil” — Aren’t we going to rehearse?” — “Not when there is an icecream soda in view” — The drill — Weary — Tramps received at the rear of the house — The defaulting book-keeper discovers safe — “I wonder if I remember the combination”— Hides in safe — Aunt Tilda — Oh heavens, that voice! — Jack makes love to Aunt Tilda — “He’s just smothering in love, I 'll catch him or never get a man” — Weary causes trouble— Dis- covered --“Shoot him on the spot”— “Pll change my spots”— Captured — Dynamite— “Touch him if you dare” — Escape — “There they go and Aunt Tilda isn’t far behind either” — Weary captured— Moses overhears Jack and Louess plan an elopement — Mr. Stanton — “I’ll see about this” — Moses gets in trouble — “The deed is done, no one can separate us now” — Weary and Aunt Tilda are witnesses— The explosion — “Great Scott, the Cook!” . ACT 11 . — Mr. Stanton has troubles of his own— Aunt Tilda — “Where is Mr. Stanton?” — “Hunting snipes” — I’ll have you to un- derstand that my brother don’t chew”— Aunt Tilda and the tele- phone — “Ofii you naughty man” — “My gracious it’s a William Penn, he calls them cheap”— Jack — -“That destroyer of my happi- ness and here in m3 7 office” — Mr. Stanton decides to become insane “Death! death! let them come, I’m a regular Booth” — Call a police- man — “I think I carry my age well” — “You ought to. you have had it a long ti me— “Arrest that defaulter” — “I am no longer Willie Weary, but James G. Walker, sole Manufacturer of Little Willie Walker’s Willing Work Pills” — “He is an angel” — The telephone — Hello — Hears that Jack has come into a fortune — “You are just the kind of a son-in-law that I have been looking for” — Jimmy and Police join in the chorous — Happy euding. STAGE DIRECTIONS. R., means Right; l., Left; r. h., Right Hand ; l. h., Left Hand, c., Center; s. e., (2dE.) Second Entrance; u. e., Upper E11 trade e ; M. d., Middle Door : f., the Flat ; d. f., Door in Flat ; r. cv, Right of Center ; l. c., Left of Center. R- R- c. c. l. c. L *** The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. "LOTIESS ACT I. SCENE. — Parlor interior — arch c., bay window with curtains, r. c., tete- a-tete K. of window, chairs r. and l. of arch , easel in r, upper corner , stand with bottle of hair oil, back of r. e. , chair back of u. e., so/a r. e., 6'a/ie down l. corner , cm floor — Moses discovered at arch. Moses. Go-on T go-on! go-on! (fa# curtain is up, then comes down c.) Me and dat cook am gwine to get mixed up some of these here days, and I’se gwine to tie her red hair into an Irish boquet. She’s a Jonah, she is, always argufying with dis coon — ( dusting ) I’se gettin’ tired of dis here job, no how, nothin* but Moses do this and Moses do that, and Moses here and Moses thare, and — ( sees safe) holy Moses! if dat Miss Louess ain’t gone and left dat safe open an’ all dem valuable diamonds in dar too. Oh golly! dis here coon can’t spressfy his feelin’s. ( stands still) l’se gwine right away from dis here room, 1 is. I don’t want none of de honor of a grand safe robbery. No sah! I’se gwine right away sure, (looks cautiously at safe) Guess I’d better stay, some low down white man might see dat safe open and come an steal dem diamonds. I know what I’ll do, I’ll jest shut dat door, (shuts safe door) Now dat’s safe. We is gwine to hab a private piratical down here to-night. I — I mean a private tlpyritical, and Miss Louess don told me to keep out of dis here bowdeer; dat’s what she calls dis here bed room. De actresses am gettin’ ready for a dress rehearsel now, an’ will be down here most any minute. (music) Golly! guess dat’s dem now. (at arch, looking out) Oh Lawd! look at dem togs! (crosses to safe and sits on top of it Enter Louess, Violet, Buttercup, Rose and Marquurutte, c. e. — song — quartett can be introduced if desired. ! Louess. Well, girls, what do you think of that? Buttercup. Oh! it’s lovely. • , Bose. Yes, you sing and act if to perfection. Violet. Indeed you do, and 1 know you will greatly please our audience to-night. Marquerette. Well, I hope so, we at least can slio.v our costumes. ( whirls on foot LOTTE S3. 5 Louess. Yes, but that doesn’t make a play; we must act as well as look pretty. But girls, to change the subject-, hhave a secret. Girls. Oh! what is it? Louess, I promised not to tell. But say, you girls won’t say a word if I tell, will you? (girls shake their heads no) Not even your chums? (no) Cross your hearts? ( no Butt. Honest. Louess. You won’t tell a soul? Violet. No, honest, l won't even tell ( pause) Legrafy. Louess) Well then, listen — now honest, won’t you tell? Butt. No. honest! (emphatic Moses, {whirls on foot to imitate Marquerette and then sits — aside) Fo’ de Lawd’s sake! Bose. Oh! please, do tell us what it is. Ljouess . Well, then, (dramatic) L’ve had a proposal, (music, chord Moses. Oil! (falls off safe) dis am so sudden. Marquerette and Rose fall into each other' s arms , Violet and But- tercup do the same — straighten up quickly . Mar. Well, who is it? Louess. Jack. Girls. Jack? Louess. Yep, J-a-c-k, that’s him. He proposed right to my very face and made me promise never to tell until he had graduated from medical school, and I’m not going to either. Butt. Where were you when he proposed? Louess. On his knees — (hand to mouth) Oh! Violet. Tell us, what did he say? Louess. Words can’t express, but maybe I can sing it. Moses. Wall, here’s whar I depart. (exit r. e. — love song by Louess Enter Jack, c. e. Jack. I think that is fine. Girls. Oh! Louess. 1 don’t. How on earth did you get into this house? Jack, (holds up his foot) A foot at a time. The door was open, the hall was clear; 1 came up stairs and found you here. (searches his pockets) Poetry — oh! for a pencil. Louess. Well, that was surely an accident, but listen — ( dramatic ) I am going to summons my fair escort and cast you through yonder window. Do you hear? Jack, (dramatic) Yes, proud woman, I grasp the meaning of your cruel words. Call up your dogs of war! Bring on your candy Cains' 1 am Abel to lick them all. (dramatic walk Louess. Be it so. Girls, do your duty. (girls burlesque singing Jack, (on knees) Spare me! spare me! Louess. We will on one condition. Jack. And that is — ? Louess. That you set it up to the crowd. (girls around Jack Girls, (ad. libitum) fee cream, candy, milkshake, etc. e LOUESS. Jack. ( puMs out pockets, whistles , puts them hack) Oh! girls, I’m so young. Violet. Well, we are going to break you in. Jack, (aside) Yes, and I will be broke before I get out. (aloud) Well, come along, what will you take, An ice cream soda or a white-milk shake? (same business as before) Poetry — oh for a pencil. Mar. He's in love. Violet. Oh! nonsense. Aren’t we going to rehearse? Butt. Not when there is an ice cream soda in view. Rose. Well, I guess not. Mar. I’ll tell you, let us drill to the soda fountain. We can re- hearse our soldier drill, and by so doing, combine business with pleasure. Jack . A good idea, but what shall we use for guns? Louess. I'll have Moses bring our parasols, Rose. Good! Won’t it be jolly ? Louess. (at arch, calls) Moses! Moses! Enter Moses, c. e. Moses . Yes, ma’am. Louess. Get our parasols, which you will find on the hall rack and bring them here at once. Now hurry. Mosfes. Yes, ma’am. (exit c. e., quickly Jack, (smelling flowers on the girls dresses) My! what pretty flowers. Roses are red, violets blue, Marguerette’s white, and buttercups — (pause) yellow— (business as before) Poetry — oh for a pencil, (girls disgusted) Ladies* you need your hats. Louess. Why of course. You simpleton, did you think we were going bare headed? (at arch) Moses, don’t forget our hats. Enter Moses, c. e., hat on parasol for each. Moses. I’se got dem, Miss Louess, here dey is. If dese here bumber-shutes belong to dis child, he’d put dem up for a rainy day. (handing each girl her parasol Jack. Well, that’s enough of that, but girls, what am 1 going to use for a sword. 1 have it! Moses, come here. Moses, (runs to arch) I guess not. You don want to put a rabbit foot in my hand, or somethin’ like dat. Jack. Nonsense! Now you come here, or I’ll throw you out of that window. Moses, (aside) Well, 1 guess I’d rather be noodoed den fro wed from a two story window, (aloud) Yes, sail! Lse cornin’. (slow walk Jack. Hold up vour hands. (points tog pistol at him Moses. Please don’t shoot, Mi stall Jack, 1'se got dem up. (aside) I knows I’se getting black in the face. Jack, (takes large razor from Moses’ 'pocket) This is ail I w ant, now skip, L CUES 8. 7 Moses, You bet. l. a. Jack. Company, up with your parasols— It’s only on these pleasant days That we are able to make a raise— (same business as before) Poetry — oh for a pencil. (fancy drill— exeunt c. a. Enter Mr. Weary, l. e., carries board sign , back of it to audience. Weary. I must have been expected: the lady of the house even 'went so faras to have a sign placed upon the front yard fence for my direction, (shows sign) “Tramps received at rear of house.” lam going to surprise her though. I will just take this sign and put it upon the back fence; then, when [ arrive, I will enter through the front side of this brown stone mansion, and if there is any objection to my super-numerous person, I’ll just refer to yonder sign on the back fence. Oh! that I might have been born rich instead of beautiful, that I might have lived in this land of milk and — (sees bottle of hair oil) Oh, oh, oh! so you are here, liquor in its most treacherous form. Many a time have I heard my poor old mother pray that her boy might be saved from ils dreadful curse. Since that time I have never allowed a drop of liquor to pass my lips — (quickly) 1 always nail it before it gets further. I guess I’ll have one. (drinks, disgusted) Great heaven’s, that’s hair oil. Little does John Stanton think that his defaulting book-keeper is so near his grasp, and it is well he doesn’t, for even I get creepy when I think of it— but now to business. A young lady in this house has in her possession some very valuable diamonds, which 1 must secure by »fair means or foul. ( rooster crow outside) Discovered, (at arch) a bad omen, someone is laying for me (down c., sees safe) My stars! the very safe that old Stanton had in his private office while I was his secretary. No doubt, brought here for his daughter’s jewels. I wonder if 1 remember the combination. I’ll try it. (music — sneaks to doors , then back to safe and icorks combination) One, four, three, two.* twice around, back to ten. Ah! (door opens) the diamonds, (takes diamonds) Now for my escape, (noise outside) What’s that? Moses, (outside) Go on you monkey faced, red-eyed, lop-eared, dish-washer. I say you are — you are — (crash) Oh! (crash repeated) Oh! Cook, (outside) Sure and I’ll break yer neck if ye comes spy in’ around here any more. Yez flat-nosed, chalk-eyed, pigeon-toed, spalpeened Ethiopian. Weary. That sounds like trouble. I must hide — yes, but where — in the safe, a good place. (gets into safe Enter Moses, l. e. Moses, (floured) I’se gwine to kill dat cook sure. Look at dat new coat, and — and jes’ cos’ I said she looked like a zoological monkey, she don pasted me with dat breadboard, (carries bread boara broken in two) but i’se gwine to gif even. (exit r. e. Weary, (out of safe) W r ell, this is quite a place. You can bet L won’t get mixed up with any of these servants, and especially -the Irish cook. The blow she gave that coon would have killed a horse (door bell rings outside) What’s that? More guests —well here is 8 LOUESS. where I retire. ( goes into safe Jack. ( outside ) No, no! I say no! Girls. ( outside , ad. lib.) Oh! please Jack, let me see it — let me have it — just a minute. Enter Jack and Girls, c. e. Jack. Girls, you are all too young. I insist on telling you that this paper was printed for my special benefit, therefore — ( folding paper Mar. Oh Jack! let me see it just once, please. Jack. Young woman, don’t interrupt me — as I was going to say, therefore, you must not look at it. ( places paper in pocket , Marquerette sneaks paper and goes to couch Violet. My, that phosphate was good — Jack, let me fix your lie. Ijouess. I knew that he would only buy us a glass apiece. Rose. Yes, and I did not see him pay for it, either. Jack. No, nor you never will, either! Louess. (sees safe open) Oh folks! I went away and left this safe open, What if someone had stolen my diamonds? ( shuts safe door Mar. That would be dreadful! You had better look and see if they are there. Weary, (aside, speaking through opening in safe) If she does, I’ll faint. Jack. Oh nonsense! no one has been here, and besides, who would steal a lot of paste diamonds. Butt. Why Jack, you are awfully mean, those jewels are beautiful. Louess. Jack Nife, you are too sharp. Jack. Now Louess, don’t get angry. I was only teasing. Aunt Tild((. ( outside , calling) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Jack. Who in the world is that? Louess. Why that is Aunt Tilda, my old-maiden auntie. She just came to-day to visit papa, and Oil Jack! what a spooner she would make for you. Jack. Well, that voice sounded like a country fire-alarm. Rose. Why Jack, how dare you? Violet. He dare do anything. Aunt T. ( outside , calling) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Jack. Oh heavens, that voice! Girls listen — you hide, and when she comes in, I’ll get up a flirtation with her. What do you say to that? Louess. I say, no! Remember, she is my auntie. Mar. Do Jack. Louess, it will be a circus. Louess. AY ell I’ll permit it on this condition, that you don’t carry it too far. (Jack lying on sofa Aunt T. ( outside , calling) Kitty! Kitty! Kitty! Violet, (at arch) Hurry, let us hide, she is coming.- Louess . (behind safe) Now Jack, remember. (Girls hide Enter Aunt Tilda, c. e. Aunt T. Kitty! Oh! ahem! ahem! (aside, seeing Jack) Isn’t he sweet? Jack. Oh! If I only had someone to love and some dear angel tc return it — (aside) LOUESS. P Young or old, sweet or sour, I’d be the happiest fellow of the hour — (same business as before) Poetry — Oh for a pencil. Aunt T, '. (aside) Here is a chance, I may never get another. Weary, (speaking through trumpet) By jingo, I’m smothering. Aunt T. Oh! he is just smothering with love! I’ll catch him, or never get a man — ahem! Jack, (to Aunt Tilda) Did you say you were smothering? Aunt T. Why no, you did. Jack. Well, in fact, I didn’t. Aunt T. You surely did, I ju$t heard you. Jack. Well, maybe I did. (aside) I’ll never wink at that soda fountain again, (aloud, crosses to Aunt Tilda) The fact is, Hiss, I'm in love and can find no one to reciprocate it. Aunt T. (aside) He’s mine, (aloud) Oh! you dear boy. (falls in Jack’s arms Jack, (amazed) Great heavens! Girls, come quick! Aunt T. (gets up) Girls! girls! What do you mean, sir? Jack, (soothingly) I thought you were fainting, dearest, and was calling for help. Aunt T. Oh! (falls in Jack’s arms again , he smiles faintly Enter Moses, c. e., through arch , sees Aunt Tilda in Jack’s arms , exits c. e., quickly . Louess. (aside) I wish he wouldn’t hold her that way, the silly old thing. Jack. (Aunt Tilda getting heavy) See here, old lady, I’m not — Aunt T. (up) What’s that? Old lady 7 ! old lady! Oh! how cruel of you, and after such a happy courtship, too. Jack, (surprised) What! (aside) Holy smoke! Weary, (speaking through opening) I must get out of this some way. Aunt T. What’s that? You must get out of this? Oh, you wretch! Jack, (to Girls) Who said that? Aunt T. You did, I just heard you. How dare you add insult to injury. Weary, (speaks through opening) I’ll never get into a scrape like this again. Aunt T. How dare you speak to me like that? (rushes to Jack Jack. Shut up. Girls, there’s a man in this room. Aunt T. (sarcastic) I fail to see him. Weary, (through opening) Yes, there is. (calls) Help! help! Girls rushing out screaming , Aunt Tn,T> a Joints on sofa , Jack runs to arch , hat in hand. Jack. For gracious sake, where can he be! Louess. Oh! Jack, there is someone in that safe. Weary. Discovered! (Girls scream Jack. Stop this squealing. Louess, how do you know there is a man in that safe? Louess. That is where the voice came from. 10 LOUESS . Jbrfc. Well, this is a novelt} r . a man in the safe, {goes to safe) Hello! you in the safe? Weary. ( trumpet business) Hello yourself. Say, could you give a poor fellow, what ain’t had nothing to breathe for thirty minutes, a little air. Jack. Well, what in the devil are you doing in there any vayi (Girls shocked — aside) I must make an impression on him. Weary. I’m getting pinched. Jack. Well, you soon shall be. {at arch , calls) Moses! Moses! Enter Moses, c. e., quickly. Moses. Yas, sah! Jack. Go, bring all the weapons you can find in the house. Moses. Yas, sah! {exit c. e., quickly. Mu r. J a c k , what are you goi n g to do? Jack . Capture that theif and turn him over to the United States of America. {spoken very bravely Louess. Oh Jack! I’m so afraid he will get away. Jack, {extreme bravery) Don’t fear, 1 will face him. and you men, can guard the doors. {takes of his coat Enter Moses, c. e., with knives , pistol, old gun, etc. Moses. Heh they is, sah! none of des heh guns shoot though. Jack, {alarmed, running Moses to right of center) Hush! black face, we have a desperado in that safe. j\ loses. Oh, lawd! ■ {exit l. e., quickly Weary, {through opening) I wonder if they are going to kill me. Jack, {aside) I’d like to get out of this myself, {aloud) Now. men, take your positions, each at a door, {louder) if he attempts to escape, shoot him on the spot. Weary, {through opening) I’ll change my spots. ■Louess. Oh! Jack, I’m so afraid. Jack, {alarmed) Do keep quiet. Now listen! Come out of your rendezvous, you despicable cur, you are captured and must sur- render. (Girls laugh Louess. Jack, how can he come out? , Jack, {aside) I'm an idiot. {kicks himself Rose. Louess, don’t you know the combination? Louess. Yes, yes, but I’m so afraid. Jack, {frig Idea ed) Don’t say that, it might give him courage. {loud, {pretended bravery) Open the safe. Weary, {through trumpet) Yes, for goodness sake, open it; I’m nearly dead. Mar. {sympathetically) Poor man. Jack. { softly , aside) That’s only a ruse, be more alert than ever. {aloud) Hurry, Louess. (rolls up sleeve Louess. {at safe, counts) One, three, four, back to ten. Oh! Jack, will he- hurt us? Jack. No indeed he won’t, will you sport? Weary, {through opening) No, but if you will let me out, I’ll sing. Jack. Good! {music cue) Open her up. (Louess opens safe, Weary comes out and sings song Louess. That was very good. Now please explain how you got into that safe? LOUESS . 11 Weary. Well, fair Miss, for me to explain my undesirable desire to enter yonder safe, would take many hours of diligent research through Webster’s Unabridged dictionary; but suffice to say, that upon hearing your approach from yonder hall-way, I determined to place myself in such a position, that your fair eyes would not be shocked by my unshaven visage, and seeing no other refuge at the time of action, I betook myself into yonder casket, ( points to safe) but now to the real point, get around me real close, {all crowd around him) There now, don’t move, don’t think, don’t breathe. Listen! in this hand I hold your treasured diamonds. {dramatic pose Lou ess. Oh, my! Weary. Hush! in this, a box of dynamite. Now in the words of Booth, {back to arch) “Touch me if you dare.” Ah — Weary throws up box, Jack behind safe , Girls scream — exit Weary, c. e. — music. Jack, {running to arch) ’Tis false, that is not dynamite, but saw” dust. Louess. Oh girls, he has stolen all my jewels. Butt. The villain. Jack. I’ll return them to you, if I have to kill that hobo. {exit c. e., quickly Aunt T. {sits up) What’s that. When he faces danger,. I will follow. { exit c. e., quickly — Girls laugh Louess. {at arch) Girls, how can you laugh at such a time. Just think of all my pretty rings. Rose, {at window) Yes, dear, but Jack will bring them to you. See, there they go now, and my, what a race. Mar. Aunt Tilda isn’t far behind, either. {shot heard— music stops Louess. Oh heavens! I’m afraid Jack will kill him. Violet. Don’t worry, Louess, Jack couldn’t hit a freight car, let alone a man. (Girls at window , Buttercup on a chair , looking through a telescope Butt. See, he has him. Rose. Aunt Tilda is holding him tight, too. Mar. Yes, poor man, he can’t escape now. Louess. Oh! I'm so happy, and girls, just think, how well we were armed. We ought to be ashamed to look the poor fellow in the face. Violet. I am. Here I had a great big knife and forgot all about it. Rose. Here they come. (Girls form on each side the < 3 . music Butt. Let us give them a cheer! Enter Jack, Weary and Aunt Tilda, c. e. Louess. Hip, hip, girls cheer! {very weak cheer Weary. Oh my! what an awful demonstration. Aunt T. (Jack and Aunt Tilda bow) Well dears, we have him. Weary. Yes ladies, she has me. Jack. Well, you gave us a hard chase, now hand over the dia- monds to that young lady. Weary, {sadly) Young man, 1 cannot, they are there on the floor. Louess. What do you mean ? Weary, {sadly) I threw the wrong box. U. OF ILL UB. 12 LOURS 8 . Aunt T. Oh! you silly boy. (Louess picks up the package of diamonds Weary, {aside, goes to l. c.) I must stop this, the old boxer is fall- ing in love with me. lioness. My good man, how can I ever repay you for so generous a mistake? Jack. Yes, let ns do something for you. {aside) I must get even for that blow he gave me when I caught him. {aloud) Come girls, I have a proposition. Weary. Let me eat it. Jack. I will count out, and the one on whom the last word falls, shall invite Mr. Boozer — Weary. Weary, sir! Weary — Jack. Shall invite Mr. Weary out to take a drink. (Weary fails on Jack’s shoulder) Brace up old man, don’t misunderstand me, I mean soda water. Louess. {to Girls) That will be fun, won’t it? Rose. You bet. Butt. I’m willing. Weary. Oh! how kind of you. Jack. Don’t mention it. {aside) I’ll get him with the old maid or die. {aloud) Now girls, are you ready? Girls, {ad. lib.) lam. Yes. So am i. You bet. Aunt T. Yes, we ‘re ready. Weary, {aside) Oh heavens! - Jack. All right, here goes. Eeny, meeny, miny mo, Enter Moses, c. e. catch a nigger by the toe, {exit Moses, c. e., quickly) if he hollers, let him go, eenv, meeny, miny, mo. {end w it h Aunt Tilda Aunt T. I’m the lucky bird. Weary, {aside) I wish I had some salt. Louess. Oh! Auntie, won’t you be afraid? Aunt T. Louess, your auntie may be a woman, but she ain’t seed no man that ever skeered her yet. Come on, Mr. Weary, I’ll stick to the bargain. Jack. A woman is always looking for bargains- Weary, {at arch) Young man, you have done it now. {exit c. e. with Aunt Tilda Jack, {laughs) Revenge is sweet. Girls, I fixed that up, to get even, with him for a blow he struck me here. {places hand, on belt Louess. Yes, but Jack, Aunt Tilda ought to have company. Butt. Indeed she had. Come girls, we will see that no harm comes to her. Mar. Perhaps we had better follow them. (Girls qet their hats Violet. We will hurry back, Louess. Good-bye. Ijouess. Yes, do hurry. Jack and I will await your return. Rose. Well, you must promise not to spoon. Butt. What a foolish thing to asic. Louess. Girls, do stop your teasing. Jack. Yes, for heaven’s sake, get out. Violet. We are going, Mr. Nile. Good-bye, Louess. {exit Girls, c. e. Louess. {at arch) Good-bye girls. Now hurry back. -LOUES a . . IS Girls, (< outside ) We will. Good-bye. Louess. Good-bye. (goes to couch Butt, (outside) Oh! come on. (J ack at arch says good-bye till door slams . Louess on couch Jack, (aside) 'Thank goodness, they are gone, (pause, aloud) At last, Louess, we are alone. Louess. Yes, Jack. (Moses appears at arch and listens Jack. Little girl, last night you promised to be my wife. Louess. 1 did. Jack, and meant it, too. Jack. I’m sure you did, but Louess, the conditions, I can’t wait until 1 graduate — i — I — (sits on couch with Louess Louess. What can we do? Jack. Elope. Moses, (aside) Foh de laws sake, I’se gwine to tell de boss. (exit c. E< Louess. Oh! Jack, what would mamma say? Jack. “Go darling, a splendid catch, he’s worth getting.” Louess. Why Jack. Jack. That’s just about what she'd sav. L>ouess. Y T es, but papa, what do you think he’d say? Jack. Oh! he would say, “Well enough”: — but what do you say? Louess. (very decided) I'm your girl, but where shall we go? Jack. Gee! .1 never thought of that. I have it, let us go to Washington. Jjouess. Among all those politicians? Never! Jack. Then to 1 3os to i i . Louess. Delightful, but Jack, oil what, and where shall we live? Jack. Well, 1 have a little bank account of my own, and then, you have all your rings and jewels — and — . - Louess. Oh! but dear, L wouldn’t think of selling them. Jack. I’m aware of that, but then, you know your father will take us back in a day or so, and then — Louess. Then what? . Jack. Why then, we can live with him. Louess. How thoughtful of you, but when shall vve go? Jack. Now. Louess. Oli my! so soon? You remember, we must have a license. Jack. By jove! I forgot all about the license. Now listen, I’ll hurry down to old Parson Brown, (aside) I’m a natural born poet. (aloud) Get the license, bring him up here and have him marry us before we go. Louess. Oh! but lie’s such a fidgety old preacher. Why not Kev, Gobel or Rev. Smith, or — Jack. Louess dear, Parson Brown is the very person we want, he won’t see our elopement until it’s all over, the other might. Jjouess. Jack, you are right. Now hurry, I’ll be ready in half an hour. Jack. Half an hour? Great scott! (at arch) I’ll be back in ten minutes. (exit c. e. Jjouess. (at arch) Oh! isn’t he just a dear! Just think I’m going to be married, and so soon too. Oh! won’t papa be surprised, (look-, ing off) Jack is fairly running. 1 must hurry, (exit, x.. e. u LOUESS. Enter Mr. StAnton and Moses, r. E. Mr. S. Going to elope, hey? Moses. Yessah! L don heard em makin’ ’rangments. Mr. S. Well, I’ll soon settle this. That young rascal. Jack Nife, cannot keep himself, let alone a wife, and 1 don't want my gal to marry anyway. Moses — Moses. Yes sah ! Mr. 8. Don’t permit anyone to leave this house while I am gone. I shall telephone for a policeman. Do you hear? Moses Yes sah! 1 heah Mr. Stanton, 1 heah. Mr. S. Well, don’t forget. (exit c. E. Moses. Yessah! 1 — I doan like dis heh job, how is I gwine to keep folks from leavin' des heh house? I wish 1 done keep my mouth shut. Oh golly! heh comes Miss Louess now Enter Louess, l. e. Louess. Well Moses, what are you doing? Moses, (at arch , shaking) I’se hope in’. Louess. Hopei ng, hopeing what? Moses. Pat you won’t try to leave des heh house. Louess. Why Moses, you frighten me, what do you mea/i? Moses. - 1 mean dat Mr. Stanton said dat I was to keep yon heh till become back, and l’se gwine to do it. Louess. (aside) We are discovered. Oh gracious, what can we do now, papa has discovered all. Oh! .lack, jack! (at table , weeps Moses. Please don’t cry,* Miss Louess, I’se very sorry, ’deed I is. Jack, (outside) Right this way, Parson. Moses. Oh! golly, there’s Mr. Jack. Enter Jack and Parson Brown, c. e. Jack. Why Louess, what is the meaning of this? Louess. Oil! Jack, papa — papa — (tceeps Jack. You don’t mean that he has changed your mind? Louess. No, no! he has discovered everything. Jack. The deuce he has! Parson B. (standing at arch) Pray, what is the trouble, can I as- sist you in anyway ? Jack. No, not at present. Be seated, please. I’ll settle this little difficulty in a minute, (to Louess) Louess, how do you know we are discovered? Lioness. Moses has orders to watch the house. Jack. That confounded coon. Moses, come here, (at it. c. Did you hear the arrangements 1 made with Louess about eloping ? Moses, (frightened) Yes sah! just a part of it. Jack. And you told Mr. Stanton ? (takes out revolver Moses, (on knees) Yessah! please don’t shoot Mistah Jack, Tse a good nigger— please — oh please. Jack. Dry up— now you gave this thing away, and I’m going to punish you. Come here. " (goes to window Moses. What you gwine to do, Mistah Jack? Please don’t kill dis niggar.. Jack. I’m not going to kill you yet. Come here. Moses. Please Mistah Jack, I’se very sorry I done said something, LOU ESS. 15 ’deed I is, I’se very sorry. {goes in bay window Jack. Now if you move or make a sound to attract attention. I'm going to shoot you, do you understand? Shoot you as l would a crow. (M OSES frightened Maxes. I won’t make no sound, Mistah Jack, honest, I won’t sav a word until you is gone. Jack, (draw* curtain together ) Well, see that you don’t. Now Parson, we are ready. Louess. Yes, Parson Brown, please hurry, every minute is valuable. Parson B. Why, my dear children, there must be two witnesses to this marriage. Jack. The devil! Parson B. What? Louess. He said “Two, a double.” ....... Jack. Yes, yes, you see— we will get them. Parson B. To be sure, {to Louess)' My dear, your parents are the proper persons to see this wedding solemnized. Louess. Yes, 1 know — you see — you see — ■ Jack. Yes, you -see — Enter Aunt Tilda and Weary, l. e. Ah! here are two. Parson B. {to Aunt Trim a and Weaky) Yes, you’ll do. Weary. Will we? {surprised Aunt T. You’re rather fresh, how do you know we’ll do? {haughtily. Louess. {embraces her) Oh! Auntie, I’m so glad you are here. Jack and I are going to be married, you and Mr, Weary shall be the witnesses. Weary. With pleasure, Miss. Aunt T. (IoJaok) What’s that, you who so grossly insulted me only an hour ago, going to marry this little angel; you don’t deserve tier sir! you don’t deserve her. . Lo uess . Now Auntie — Aunt T. But 1 forgive you dear, I forgive you. Weary. We give you our blessing. {profound boto Parson B. Very well, are you ready? Jack. Yes, do hurry. Parson B. Join hands — so, {to Louess) do you’ take this man to be your lawful wedded spouse, to love, obey and neatly keep his house? Louess. I do. Parson B. Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to cherish and protect through all this world of strife? Jack. 1 do. Parson B. Then by this sacred wedding ring — (Weaky rings hand bell , Pahson begins again) Then by this sacred Wedding ring, which you shall wear through life, {places ring on Louess’ finger) before our ponderous universe, I pronounce you man and wife. Aunt T. Oh! how nice. Weary. Yes dear, our turn is next. Aunt Tilda, Parson Brown and Weaky go to table and sign certi “ ficate. Jack. Louess, the deed is done, no one can separate us now. LOUESS. 18 We are two souls with but a single thought, Two hearts that beat as one. {same business as before) Poetry, O! for a pencil. Weary. Henceforth you must pay her board bill. Jack. I will gladly do that. /- Louess. I’m so glad it’s all over. (Louess and Jack converse Weary, {to Parson) Pll have to make my mark. Parson B. That’s all right, I will witness it. Aunt T. Yes, or I can sign for both of us. Weary. What, forge my name? Never — never! {signs) There the cer — Aunt T. Tif— Parson B. I — Weary. Cate is signed. Parson B. Yes, and well signed too. {to Jack) Now my boy, I congratulate you and wish you success and happiness through life— {pause) May 1 kiss the bride? Jack. Certainly, certainly, {aside) The old Mormon. Parson B. {kisses Louess) Ah! Jove, that makes me feel young again. Weary, {aside) Here is a chance for me. {starts toward Louess, aloud) 1 presume 1 may also — Aunt T. {jerking him back) You have presumed too soon. How dare you— {back to arch , Parson looking at pictures on table , etc. Parson B. {takes picture) Poor man. Jack. Now dearest, let us fly. Louess. Jack, how can we? Jack. I mean, let’s skip. If we don’t hurry and get away, there won’t be any elopement about this affair at all. Moses. Golly, Mistah Jack, I’se getting tired. Jack. Well, you stay there a little longer and then I will let you go. Moses. Pse very much obliged. Louess. Come Jack, help me get my — our trunk. {exit r. e. Jack. It is packed? Good for you. {exit r. e. Parson Brown saunters toioard window , Moses looks over the top of the curtains as Parson looks behind — repeat twice — both stare at each other. - Parson B. My good man. are you ill? You look pale. Moses, {looking over curtains) Yes, I’se very sick — dat is, I’se sick of my job, how would you like to be cooped up in heh like a sellin’ hen ? Parson B. Why, what do you mean? You are not compelled to stay here, are you? Moses. ’Deed 1 is, Parson. Is — is — Mistah Jack gone? Sure! Parson B. {on chair , close up to Moses) Yes, yes, but pray, why do you have to stay here caged like a bird? Moses. I don told about Miss Louess and Mistah Jack ’lopin’ and he done made me get in hell, and if I move or make a sound, L get shoot ed. Parson B. You don’t mean to say the marriage I just performed, was an elopement? ^ LOUESS . 11 Moses. Course it was, man. Parson B. {jerks picture over Moses head and runs for hat) Merci- ful heavens! 1 must fly — fly — Aunt T. What is the matter, Parson? Parson B. Woman, {at arch ) 1 am a dead man, I must fly — {tXlt O. E. Weary. Well, he is certainly the liveliest dead man I ever saw. I didn’t think whiskers could leave so fast. Aunt T. My! oh my! 1 don’t blame h'm for flying. If John Stanton don’t kill him before morning, I’m no judge of human nature. Weary, {excited) Don’t say that — think of it, I have my mark on that certificate. Aunt T. Yes, and mine too. Oh heavens! what if he should kill us all. {lays her head on Weary’s shoulder Weary. Don’t fear, while there is an ounce of lime in this ossified system, 1 will protect you. {aside.) Oh! if mamma could only see us. Moses, {head up, aside) I bet de folks in dis here picture think a cyclone struck ’em. {sees Aunt Tilda and Weary) Oh! fob hebben sake. {gets head down, bell rings Aunt T. There are the girls; they said they would be back soon. • {goes to arch Weary. Yes, too soon, {aside) I’m going to propose to that and settle down. {sits with feet cocked upon sofa Moses, {aside, head up) It would be a good idea if he’d settle up. {head down Enter Girls, c. e. Aunt T. {motions silence) Sh — ! {down c., all tiptoe doicn stage Mar. Well Auntie, what is the trouble? Aunt T. Children, I’ve something awful to communicate. Violet. Oh ! {alarmed Girls. What is it? {whispered) Another man in the safe? Aunt T. {excited and a little louder) Louess has— has — has — - Rose, {louder) Yes, yes— {excited Weary, {louder) No, no — Aunt T. {with a little scream) Has eloped. Girls. Oh ! {astonished Moses, {head up, aside) I can’t elope. Mar. Eloped with whom? Aunt T. With Jack. They are tied up harder than a bow knot. Butt. Oh! the deceitful girl. Violet. Well, she told us about Jack proposing — Rose. Yes, and didn’t say whether she accepted him or not. Mar. That’s true, but where are they? Weary, {at arch) Here they come now, and Oh, stars! what a wardrobe. {music Enter Jack and Louess, c. e., carrying a doll trunk. Jack, {doicn c.) Well girls, we are a untt. Rose. Yes, and you didn’t wait for us. Louess. No, we couldn’t, could we Jack? Butt. And why? 18 LOVE S3. Jack. Well, von see my father-in-law was looking for us at the time and everything had to be rushed. Weary, {aside) Except the growler. Aunt T. Oh my yes! they had to hurry. Mr. Weary and I were the witnesses. Jack. Quite true, and I forgot to thank you, which I now do with all my heart. Aunt T. Oh don’t mention it. Weary. Oh don’t mention it, that was only a dress rehearsal for our big show. Jack. No doubt, but now we must bid you all good-bye. Rose. Oh! you are not going away so soon? Louess. Yes. dear, we must. Remember, this is an elopement. Jack. Nothing under heaven can stop us now. Aunt T. No, nothing but — Mr. S. ( outside , calls) Louess! Louess! Aunt T. That — Louess. Oh Jack, there is papa. Jack. I'm aware of the fact, Moses. ( aside , looking over curtain with frame still over Ms head) Now watch the fun — golly ! Mr. S. (outside) Louess! Louess, where in darnation is that gal? Enter Mr. Stanton, c. e. Ah! here you are. What is the meaning of this, why don’t you answer me when l call you? Louess. Why — papa — 1— Mr. S. I ask, what is the meaning of this? Here I’ve rum aged the whole house over lookin’ for you, and now find you in your private boudoir, with a lot of would-be-actresses and loafers? Jack. Why father — Mr. S. What! father! father! Don’t you father me, you im- pudent young puppy, I’ll turn you across my knee, sir! Aunt T. Now John, don’t be hard on the children. You should — Mr. S. Shut up! I don’t want anyone to speak. I demand an explanation. Why is this gathering here in my house? Is this the way you rehearse your comedy, is that trunk in the play, (to Louess) do you wear that traveling costume? Violet. Tell him, Jack. Mr. S. Well, hang me, if I don’t know why you are gathered here in my house, I’ll tear you all limb from limb. Jack , ( bravado ) Well sir! 1 have just married your danghter. Mr. S. ( astonished ) Louess! Louess, is this true? Louess. Yes, papa, it is. Jack has the certificate — I love him. Mr. S. You do, hey! Well by cracky, you’ll unlove him. (goes to arch) Police! Police! Weary, (aside) 1 think I’ll get out of here. (goes to arch Enter Police, c. e., tote W kaky by collar and comes down e\ — music. Police, (attitude) And sure and phat is the maining of this noise? (soft music Jack. Arrest that man. ( points to Mr. Stanton) Louess, come. Mr. S. What, you dare? _____ LOUESS. 1 $ jack. Yes, anything. Louess, come. (Jack takes trunk and goes to l. c., Kith Louess Mr. 8. (in a rage) Moses, do your duty. Moses com es from behind curtains , hands Mr. Stanton a package of dynamite. Moses. Blow ’em up. Mr. 8. What’s this? Great heaven’s, that is dynamite. Mk. Stanton throws package to Weary at arch , who in turn throws it down stairs — explosion — Girls scream — Moses falls on knees , hands clasped and extended — Police gets into safe , Violet shuts door on his neck — Cook runs past arch , then enters arch , dress all tarn — - Weary on knees. Aunt Tilda patting his head — Girls alarmed. Mr. 8. Great scott, the cook! (jtoud music Cook. Where’s the naggur? (flourishes rolling-pin CURTAIN. ] ACT II. SCENE. — Office interior — window r. c., hat rack near window, door l. c., safe r. upper corner, chair near by, r. and l. entrances, table and three chairs near l. e., telephone down l., desk, chair a ml screen down r. corner — Mr. Stanton at stand, head bandaged, very distressed. Mr 8. Oh! such a time as I have had, awake all night, now up, now down like a captured pheasant at a bird show; then when I did sleep, I dreamed of nothing* but big silver stars and blue coats, and explosions and folding beds, and— oh! my head. ( pause) That young* Jack Nile, the scoundrel, lias robbed me of the treasure 1 cherished most dear, but L will get even yet; he shall pay for this. My kitchen blown to smithereens, my cook still lingering in the jaws of death, my own sister in love with an absconding bookkeeper, and above all my faithful Moses gone, and , goodness knows where — oh! my poor head, (pause) They will come back, they must come back, and when they do, I’ll be hanged if I don’t ring — (telephone rings) for au officer. Enter Jimmy, l. e. Jimmy, (goes to phone) Hello— yes — what do you vant? Yes, he is here— all right, (to Mr. Stanton) Mr. Stanton, a gentleman wishes to speak to you. Mr. 8. Oh these infernal telephones, (goes to phone) Well — hello yourself — didn’t the boy tell you that I was here? You wanted to be sure? (aside) Oh! my poor head, (aloud) No darn you, I said 1 wish I was dead — good day, sir! {rings off ) Jimmy, if anyone rings again, tell them I’m not in -do you hear? Not in. Jimmy. Yes, sir! Mr. 8. Well, you may go, (Jimmy starts to go) and Jimmy— Jimmy . Yes, sir! Mr. 8. Should anyone call again, answer their questions to the LOUESS . 20 best of your ability. I’ll be hanged if I can talk to some blabbering idiot over a phone to-day — do you hear — to-day. Jimmy . Yes, sir! Mr. 8. Well, you may go. (Jimmy starts) And Jimmy — (Jimmy stops) and Jimmy — for goodness sake, can you not answer? Jimmy. Yes, sir! Mr. 8. Great scott! can’t you say anything else but yes sir! Jimmy. Yes sir! Mr. 8. { louder ) Great Michael! stop that, stop that! you make my head ache with your yes sirs! After this I want no sir! do you hear? No sir! Jimmy. No sir! {emphasize no Mr. 8. {loud, takes out roatch) What! do you mean to tell me you did not hear what l said? {whirling watch Jimmy. No sir! {exit l. e., on a run Mr. 8. ( louder ) What! I’ll discharge you. {throws watch through door , glass crash — sits in despair) There — there goes a fifty dollar watch and a twenty dollar window light — oh! my poor head. I've heard of trouble coming double, and I’m sure of it now. {door bell rings) Who in the devil is that? Great heavens, what determina- tion. {calls) Jimmy! Jimmy! {bell stops Enter Jimmy, l. e. Jimmy. No, sir! Mr. 8. Answer that call and tell the party that I’m out hunting. Jimmy. What kind? Mr. 8. What kind? What kind? Do you dare question me? Tell them I'm shooting stars, or snipes — anything but the truth. Jimmy. Yes sir! l—l — no sir! All right sir! Shall I place the screen ? {bell rings again Mr. 8. Yes, and for gracious sake, hurry! {sits at desk , Jimmy places screen) I’ll have to buy a new bell in the morning. Jimmy, {at door) Well, what is it? i Enter Aunt Tilda, c. e. Aunt T. What is it? That’s a nice question for a boy in your place to ask a young duck like me. Mr. 8: {aside) An old goose. Aunt T. I’ll tell you. it {points to herself) wants ter know if John Stanton has been here to-day or not? Jimmy. Yes, ma’am, he is here— (Mr. Stanton excited) and gone. Aunt T. Gone? Where to? Jimmy. A— a — a — hunting snipes. Aunt T. What? I’ll have you understand my brother doesn’t chew, and I never seen a pipe in his face. Mr. 8. {aside) It’s always on the outside. Jimmy. You misunderstand me, Miss, 1 mean birds, and we don’t expect him back before to-morrow night. Mr. 8. {aside, gleefully) I'll give him a raise for that. Aunt T. {at table) Out killing birds. Well. 1 knew something would have to suffer. It’s the most outlandish thing 1 ever heard of, the idea of that old snaping turtle a goin’ hunting, when his only daughter has jist eloped — beats me. Well, it don’t matter to me whether l get to see him or not, I don’t care much about seeing the L0UES8. SI old bear anyway. (takes off shatcl Mr. S. (aside) Just listen to that, and in my own private office — oh! my poor head. Aunt T. I’m going to sit down and wait here anyway. I’ve got a very particular — engagement — (aside) C^h! how did 1 dare say that? {aloud) I mean, I’m going to meet a young man here, and 1 expect him any moment. ( takes < ff hat Jimmy, (aside) Holy smoke! I guess she means it too. Now won’t there be a circus. (exit l. e. Aunt T. Of all the mean, cross grained, unphilosoph ical, igno- minious old creatures that I ever heard of, John Stanton takes the cracker shop. 1 never seen a man cut up sich capers since cousin Simon fell in the cistern. I tried to reconcile him, and dear, good, kind, generous Mr. Weary tried, but to no avail. He is a regular old guerrilla, and — (telephone rings) Why, what’s that? Oh. it’s one of them telephones — I wonder if it’s a man. (goes to phone) I’ll listen — oh! it’s talking — oh! you naughty man. Mr. 8. (looking over screen) I wish he would cuss. Aunt T. What! vou would like to kick — oh! — the wretch, the villain! the monster! the brute! (screams, sits on chair l. of table Enter Jimmy, l. e., Mr. Stanton laughs , Jimmy runs to screen , when Mr. Stanton laughs and motions silence with hand. Aunt Tilda looks at Jimmy, who in turn begins motion of laughing — Mr. Stanton stops laughing , takes out bottle from desk and drinks. Well, you motion a long time after you are through laughing. What was you laughing at? Jimmy. Oh — oh — ah — yes, (soft smile) because you was talking to the brewery. Aunt T. (Stanton drinking) To a brewery? Merciful heavens! and John Stanton is a temperance man. Why do they call up here? Jimmy. To ge t o u r o r d e r . Mr. S. (aside) That blabbering idiot. Aunt T. (gets up) For what? Great goodness, for what? Jimmy. Ice. Mr. 8. (aside) He shall have another raise. Aunt T. Oh! (sits dozen) Well that’s all right. Do you know Mr. Weary? Jimmy. I can’t say that I do, ma’am. Aunt T. Oh! he is such an angel. We’re so much alike. Mr. 8. (aside) Poor man. (lights a cigar Aunt T. (gets up. fixes papers and books on table in order) I never knew a man with such a lovely disposition, he is so taking. (cleaning office with great fluster — Jimmy alarmed Mr. S. (aside) Yes, he got two thousand dollars of my money at one take. Little does Jim Walker — alias — Weary think that I am aware of his identity, no doubt he would disappear as mysteriously as he did two years ago when his accounts were short. Sometimes I believe him innocent, but his flight, his own acknowledgment of the guilt to me by mail, all, make him a defaulter, nothing less. Aunt T. (to Jimmy) Young man, what are you smoking? Jimmy. I’m not smoking, ma’am. (Mr. Stanton excited. Aunt T. Well, you surely are! How dare you stand there and say you are not smoking, when it is fairly choking me? A boy in 22. LOTI ESS. your place too, smoking right before a lady who abhors such vices. Give me that cigar. Jimmy, {backs up to screen , Mr. Stanton hands him cigar) Oh I can’t, you see I’m not — that is l am smoking, and I am so ashamed of the cheap tobacco l am using. Please don’t ask for it. Aunt T. I demand that # you give me that vile weed, it’s surely a poor one. Jimmy . Well, here it is then, {hands cigar to Aunt Tilda) It's such a cheap one. Aunt T. {aside) My gracious, it’s a William Penn, and he calls them cheap, {smells) Oh! my, how strong, it would take a poultice to draw it. {puts cigar m bag — telephone rings) There, that must be the brewery. Let me tell that man what 1 think of him. Jimmy, {crosses to phone) 1 must answer it myself. Aunt T. But I insist on telling that hops presser what I think of him. (Jimmy sitting Aunt Tilda in chair Jimmy. I tell you that I must answer it myself. Now be seated.- {to phone) Hello! Aunt T. {rushes to Jimmy, very indignant) You are an impolite young man, {loud) you are no gentleman! {sits down Jimmy, {to phone) No sir! 1 beg your pardon, it was a lady here in the office — what is it? Yes. Aunt T. Oh! you villain. Jimmy. Oh, you wish to buy the Watkin’s mortgage, eh? Mr. S. {aside) Good! I’ve been trying to get rid of that mort- gage for the past three months, and at last have a buyer. I’ll for- give the children if I can sell that plaster. Jimmy. Well! you was misinformed, that mortgage is not for sale. Good-bye. {rings off — aside) l hope 1 did right. Mr. 8. {groans) Oh! my poor head. Aunt T {rushes to window, closes shutters then the doors) Oh! what is that? I heard a noise! what if there was a man in the room? Mr. S. {aside) I’d pity him if she knew it. Jimmy. Calm yourself, Miss, I assure you it was only the telephone. Aunt T. Only the telephone? Well it sounded very much like a man. {door bell rings) Oh! there he is, there is my Willie! Open the door, hurry! Oh! good dear Mr. Weary! Enter Jack, c. e., Aunt Tilda embraces him . Jack. Oh Auntie! you are just awful. {laughs Aunt T. {sits at c. E., angry) Oh! you brute. Mr. 8. {aside) That destroyer of my happiness here, and in my office? Oh! the brass of young America! Jack, (to Jimmy) Where is my unfriendly father-in-law ? Mr. 8. (aside) I wonder if he is insulting my profession. Jimmy. He is here — (Jack runs to door , hand on heart) and gone. Mr. 8. (aside) That damned kid. Jack. Gone — gone where? Jimmy. Out hunting — hunting — (aside) What did the governor say he was hunting? ; Jack. Hunting! hunting what? Jimmy. Ah — ah — gutter snipes and shooting stars. Mr. 8. (aside) Oh what a mixture. Jack. Great heavens! Did he tell you that? LOUE SS. 23 Jimmy. Yes sir— no sir— T mean yes sir! Jack. Well, this is a stunner. I supposed t he old man would take our elopement pretty hard. Didn’t you, Auntie? Aunt T. Yes, l did! { an ff r y Mr. S. {aside) Listen to the young duck. Jack. Now Auntie, don’t be angry. Don’t you think Mr. Stanton's actions are rather out of the ordinary? Aunt T. I confess. I’m quite startled at his actions. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had gone clean crazy. Hut Jacky, what are you doing here? We all thought you had eloped. Mr. S. {aside) That’s what L want ter know. Jack. Well, Auntie,' we would have gone, but Louess would not go, leaving her father in such a state of excitement, so I’ve come back to ask his consent to our marriage, and if he refuses — well, what good will it do? (Jack and Aunt Tilda talk Mr. S. That’s right— that’s right, it won’t do a blamed bit of good, but I’ll have revenge on him or bust. Aunt T. Shaw! I’m sure everything will be all right, Jack, don’t worry any more about it. Where is Louess now? Jack. Oh! she and her chums are on their way here now; they will arrive most any minute. We expected to surprise the old man, so I came ahead to reconoiter. Mr. S. {aside) He calls me old man. Oh! I’ll have satisfaction. [drinks Aunt T. Well, he will be surprised to find you returned so soon, I assure you, but Jacky dear, have you seen him — my him ? Jack. Book ? ; Aunt T. No, no! my Weary. Jack . Yes, Auntie, I believe I did. You mean the man you had at the blow -out? Mr. 8. {aside) Listen to him making light of my damaged house. Aunt, T. Yes, yes, that’s the one. Oh! he so faithfully promised to be here. Mr. S. {aside) If he comes here I’ll mob him. Jack. Well, when I saw him last he was taking a ride. Aunt T. Taking a ride? Oh the monster, and without me? Jack. Yes, Auntie, in a patrol wagon. Aunt T. Gracious goodness! {sinks into chair) Oh— oh — oh! Mr. S. {aside) I’ve got him at last. Jack. Why aunt Tilda, you are not hurt, are you? Aunt T. No, no! but please, oh please fell me how w&s he hurt, where was he smashed? Jack. Well, he was smashed on the face. You see lie tried to palm an overcoat from a clothing store dummy, and the proprietor caught on to the trick. Dummy — coat— in great big roll, Owner — police— Weary in patrol. Poetry — oh for a pencil. {exit c. e. Aunt T. {lip quickly) Oh, oh, -oh! you brute! {at v. e.) I’m mad, angry, blood thirsty, L’m — I’m — crying, {determined) No, I won’t, I’ll sit here fill he comes back and then I’ll scratch his eyes out. I’m going to paint my face to look fierce. 1 have some of the paints the girls use in their shows. I’ll frighten him to death. {goes to table, sits with back to audience, paints her face LOUESS. Mr. S. {aside, looking over screen) Well, she’s a bigger fool than I gave her credit for being. So they are all coining down here, eh? Well, I’ll prepare for them. 1 shall teach them a lesson they will not forget very soon. I will have everyone of them arrested and fined to the full extent of the law. {pause) No, that won’t do — I have it; Tilda alluded to my mind, said she believed that I’d go insane. I'll let them come, and when they do, they will find me as crazy as a bed-bug. 1 don’t like to trifle with my reputation as a business man, but I’ll be hanged if I don’t scare that Jack Nile or bust. Jimmy, {at window) Holy smoke 1 there is a whole push of girls coming up the stairs, {crosses to Mr. Stanton) Mr. Stanton, a crowd of girls are coming up the stairs. Shall I let them in? Mr. S. Yes, yes, and then get out. Jimmy. No sir — ree— (exit r. e., quickly Jack, (outside) Come right in girls. Enter Jack and Girls, c. e. The old boy is gone, we can control this domicil at pleasure. (Aunt Tilda goes to l. c., her face painted ridiculously Mar. What a funny place this is. Louess. (seeing Aunt Tit, da) Auntie, oh heavens! Aunt T. How do you like it? My face expresses my anger— your —your Jack has insulted me. (weeps Louess. Oh 1 Auntie, I’m sure Jack did not mean to make you feel so badly. Jack. Why no, Auntie, I beg your pardon, I really meant nothing harmful about Mr. Weary. Rose. Yes, he is quarantined, and they won’t let him out. Aunt T. Jack Nife, you are a brute. (weeps Louess. There, there Auntie, Jack, now stop! Auntie is feeling blue, (looking at screen) W r hy Jack, you said papa was not here. Jack. Well, he isn’t. Louess. Why, he surely is, Jimmy always places that screen around his desk when he is busy. Mr. S. (aside) It’s a coming, now watch me get revenge. ( rumples hair , looks crazy Violet, (looking over screen) Why yes, he is — (Mr. Stanton jumps at her , screams Jack. What is the matter? (looks over screen) Oil heavens! (Mr. Stanton comes out , acts crazy Louess. Oh! Jack! what have we done? Girls, (ad. lib.) Heavens! oh my gracious! Aunt T. I knew he could not stand the shock. Ijouess. Oh, papa! Mr. S. Ha! ha! ha! gone — gone — gone — all gone, smash — smash — biff — bang — then she, my Louess, ran away. He, Jack Nife, stole her from me, the monster! (laughs) Wait until 1 find them, then is the time — death — death — death, see. I've saved this jack knife {takes jack knife from pocket) to do t he work. I am well armed, let them come — let them come, (aside) I’m a regular Booth. Jack. Why, he has gone crazy. Mr. L, (jumps in the air) Ah! that’s the voice — crazy am I? LOUESS. 25 (looks at Jack) Yes, you are the monster, death to you and all — death — death. (starts for Jack, who runs to c. e. Enter Weary, c. e., who takes Mr. Stanton’s arm. Weary, (slaps Mr. Stanton) There, you naughty man, T must punish you for playing tag during office hours, (to Aunt Tilda) You see dear, L am here — great heavens! what a face! Aunt T. Oh! you treasure, (they embrace) I made it to avenge you in your solitude. Mr. 8. (enraged) What do you mean sir! by coming into my office in so bold a manner? I’ll have you arrested sir — I’ll — Louess. Oh! papa, then you are not crazy? Mr. S. Crazy? No, but I’m damned mad. Out of my office every one of you — do you hear? Out of my office, or someone will be sorry. Jack. Mr. Stanton, pray forgive us, you don’t understand. Mr. 8. Don’t understand, hey? I understand enough to know that you can’t loaf here in my office during business hours. Out of my office, I say, or I will arrest every one of you. Do you think that 1 can be bull-dozed like a green country schoolboy? No sir! Are you going to leave? Louess. Oh! papa, please forgive us, please! Aunt T. John, you are a stubborn brute. Mr. S. (calls) Jimmy! Jimmy! Enter Jimmy, r. e. Call a policeman. Jimmy. Yes, sir! (exit c. E., quickly Aunt T. (to Weary) Come dearie, I think we had better go. Weary. Oh! but ducky, you wouldn’t dare go on the street with your face like that, I guess we had better stay. Aunt T. You guess again — I say we go. Weary. I don’t mind, if you say so dear, we must. Jack, (to WearY) Where are you going? Weary. Going? Ah! my friend, that I cannot say; see my idol leads the way. Jack. Poetry — oh for a pencil. (Aunt Tilda on Weary’s arm Mr. 8. Matilda Jane Stanton, you make me sick. Aunt- T. Well, John Henry Stanton, you was young yourself once. Weary. Yes, very young dear, very young. Air. 8. I admit that, but I didn’t carry my silly, lovesick ways with me after I was fifty years old. Aunt T. You snob, you know I’m only twenty-two, I think 1 carry my age well. Mr. 8. You ought to, you’ve had it a long time. (noise outside Enter Policeman, c. e. Police. Phat in the divil is the matter here anyhow? Sure and I’ll not be bothered ag’in. 1 was taking me marning shlape this afternoon, and I don’t like to be disturbed this averting. Aunt T. Oil! isn’t he just lovely. Air. 8. Officer, arrest these people. Police. Phat, all thim at once? Air. 8. Yes, every darned one of them. LOUESS . 56' Louess. Oh Jack* what can we do? Jock. Wait and see what happens. Police. A V ell, that’s the worst I ever heard, arrest all these purty a i i* 1 s . Oh my! oh my! what a job, sure and thecalaboos would look like a female seminary. Violet, (lovingly) You won’t take me, will you, good, kind Mr. Sham rock ? Police. Of course I won’t, yez little huckleberry, {aside) I wonder how she knew me name. Rose. Nor me, will you, you dear old red-whiskered Santa Claus. Police, (aside) Sure, and she thinks I’m Santa Claus. Oh, my! oh, my! (aloud) Sure and I wouldn’t, arrest a purty little Miss like you. (looks at girls)* No, be dad, I won’t arrest any of yez but that old cookoo there, and that dressed up hobo. Aunt T. Oh dearie, did you hear that slander? Weary. I did sweet woman, but I cannot reply. It isn’t policy for me to break our friendship — we sleep at the same hotel. Mr. S. Policeman, do your duty. Police. Very well then, I take yez up for disturbing the peace. (starts toward, Mu. Stanton, who picks up chair Mr. S. What! you dare to try that again? This has gone too far. 1 have been trifled with, punned at, made light of, robbed, beaten, blown up, troubled, stepped on. walked over, driven from home, and at last about to be jailed, taken from my own office by an officer of the law. I'll sue the police court, (all groan) I’ll sue the council, (dito) The Chamber of Cornerce, (dito) the County Treasurer, (dito) the Governor, (dito) the President, (dito) by Micheal, I'll sue every- body - (sinks into chair Louess. Officer leave, please leave this office. Police. Sure, and I must arrest someone or loose me job. Mr. S. (gets up, points to Weary) Then, arrest that man. Police. I Weary. \ What for? Mr. S. That man’s name is not Weary, but Walker, my former secretary and defaulter. Girls.' Oh! Aunt T. Merciful heaven! Oh Weary, say that it is not true. Jack. I can’t believe it. Weary. I must admit it is too true. My name is Walker, (to Mr. Stanton) I was your private Secretary. Because 1 borrowed two thousand dollars of your money, is a matter of my own. I left my note upon vour desk, which has accrued an interest of $147.14. Mr. S. Yes, and that is all 1 need expect— it has accrued. Weary. You are too hasty, my vent ure has succeeded, your money has made me famous, 1 am no longer Willie Weary, but Mr. James G. Walker, sole manufacturer and manager of ‘‘Lift le Willie Walker’s Willing Work Pills, now in use by over a hundred million of people. I am in disguise as you perceive, and can prove my statements by offering you your principal and interest and a box of Little W i 1 1 i e Walker’s Willing Work Pills with my gracious thanks. Mr. S. - Great goodness, man! this is yeast. Goes it work? Weary. M os t, w i 1 1 i n glv . Mr.. IS. Walker, you are a genious. (Aunt Tilda and Weary embrace Aunt T. He is an angel. LOUESS. 97 Jack. Go officer, your services are no longer required. Mr. Weary, give me your hand, I congratulate you. {exit Police, c. e. Louess. Oh papa, won’t you forgive us now? Mr. 8. No daughter, nothing under heaven can change my mind, you have left your poor old father and — forever. {plume, rings, Mk. Stanton goes to phone) Hello! (Louess weeps on Jack’s shoulder Omnes. Hello! Mr. 8. {to phone) Shut up! No, no! I was speaking to some people here in my office. No, they are worthless -^what, you don't mean to say they are good — great heavens! then he is worth a for- tune. Yes, he is my sou- in-law.: — come up and smoke. jack. Well, what has struck the Governor? Aunt T. Heaven knows. Mr. 8. Jack Nife, you are a brick, just the kind of a son-in-law l want. Oh! I know von are surprised, so am I — let me break good news to you — but first, do you love my gal? Jack. With all my heart. Mr. 8. I’m proud of you, just the kind of a son-in-law I want. Louess. Papa, what is the meaning of this change? Do you for- give us? Mr. 8. With all my heart, come kis* your dad. ( kisses ) There, now I feel better. Aunt T. Well John, please explain— what has happened? Jack. Yes, what has happened, don’t keep us iii ignorance. Mr. 8. You are in luck. Do you remember (lie shares your father bought from Wilson, Kirk & Co., during the great mining boom many years ago, and which; have been worthless ever since; couldn’t be sold for a cent a share? Jack. Yes, quite well do I remember how poor father lost his fortune through those very shares — what of them? Mr. 8. Well, for goodness sake, must 1 map it out to you? They are good, worth a hundred dollars a share, if they are worth a cent, and you own nearly all of them. Louess. Oh! Jack, how lovely. Jack. Well, this is certainly a surprise. Are you sure there is no mistake? Mr. 8. Mistake, no, by darned, I got that news from the Stock Exchange, and your stock is going right on up. You area rich man or I’m a beggar. Jack. Well, Mr. Stanton, this is a great surprise, and 1 trust Louess and 1 can make good use of our money. Is there any further need of asking for your daughter? Mr. 8. No Jack, my boy, no. You can take care of my gal now and make her happy. {shake hands Rose. Yes, and we will all come and visit you. Mar. W r on’t that be fine. Aunt T. Yes indeed, Mr. Weary and l will come and stay ever s > long. Weary. Yes, dear. In fact, should my AY — AY — AA r — go up the flue, we will make our home with them. Mr. S. Well, Louess has something to say about that. I feel hap- pier than a bird, let us sing, dance or get drunk. Aunt T. AYhy John Stanton, you surprise me, and for a man of your age, too. Mr. 8. Well darned if I care. I started out to scare this young «s LOTTE SS. fellow by being crazy, and I guess I ain’t over my fit yet. Jack. Well, Mr. Stanton, you certainly did act your part to per- fection, and if you’ll join, we will give you a part in our private theatrical. Louess. Yes papa, you will make a hit, won’t he girls? Girls. Yes. Mar. Do take a part, Mr. Stanton. Butt. You and Mr. Weary — Weary. Walker, Miss, Walker! Butt. You and Mr. Walker shall fight the duel. Jack. No, 1 object. I shall do that, 1 captured our friend Walker and expect to fight him. Weary. Agreed. Louess. Well then, let us rehearse our grand finale. Mr. S. I’ll take a part, (song — on last two measures, music stops— phone rings) Business before pleasure, (to phone) Hello! — yes — yes — yes — yes— it belongs to you — good day. {rings off) I’ve sold that damned mortgage, (calls) Jimmy! Police! Enter Jimmy and Police, c. e. Police. I Jimmy, j* What sir? Mr. 8. Join this chorus. CUR TALK ( grand finals THE END. ^Our Jaek.4* A drama in 3 acts, by C. A. Stenman , for 7 male and 3 female characters. Time of playing, 1 hour and 45 minutes . SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. ACT T.— Jack and Harry — The warning of counterfeiters— Julia Kempton and Charles Dean— Florence overhears her husband’s soliloquy — “I'm your wife and you will find me a thorn of the worst kind” — Florence’s story — The murder — Florence mortally wounded and found by Jack, who discovers her to be his sister, she tells him it was Charles Dean who stabbed her — Death of Florence — Jack takes an oath to avenge her death — An attempt to murder Jack Stanton foiled — The broken engagement of Julia and Dean — The threat — Jack interferes — ‘‘Curse him” — Dean meets his accomplies —The compact, ‘‘$300 each if we get rid of him” — An attempt to murder Jack, which failed — Jack finds a letter and his sister’s picture, which was lost in the tussle, which reveals to him that Dean is his sister’s murderer and Charles Clark. ACT II. — A girl with an interesting story — Lee’s suspicion — “No mail from Jack” — Charles Dean disguised as Mr. Lee and Harry’s friend, secures package of money from Mr. Kempton’s desk and secrets it in Harry’s valise — The missing money found in the valise • — Harry accused — ‘‘Father, I am innocent” — “Officer, do your duty” —Escape of Harry — Grimes overhears a conversation between Julia and Lee — Julia’s dream. ACT III. — Grimes’ and Lee’s plot to abduct Julia — Harry returns home — Meeting of brother and sister — Jack’s absence unaccounted for — Lee informs Mr. Kempton that he saw Harry take the money — Julia pleads for Harry — Harry takes Grimes for a thief — Alice reads a little story for Lee’s amusement — Mr. Kempton discovers Harry- Lee denounces him — Julia comes to her brother’s aid — Alice, Lee’s deserted w ife confronts him — Grimes, who is Jack Stanton in dis- guise, takes off disguise and accuses Lee of his sister’s murder — Lee attempts to shoot Jack, but is foiled by Alice, then shoots himself — Harry vindicated by Our Jack. Price, 15 cents. .ATter tli© Circus. Farce in 1 act, by Lawrence Chenoweth, author of “The Boarding House Troubles,” etc., for 4 male and 3 female characters. A typical Farmer, Doctor, with an eye for girls, a Dutchman, who is a singer, a Dude out for a lark, a widow of forty-nine, and two maids who enjoy a flirtation, make up the cast. Specialties can be intro- duced. Costumes modern. Time of performance, 45 minutes. Price, 15 cents. ^ TRIXIE; -OR- The Wizard of Fogg Island. A drama in 3 acts by Bert C. Rawley, for 6 male and 3 female characters. Costumes to suit charac- ters. Time of playing, 1 hour and 30 minutes. s rjsropsis of e vents. L