ALMANACK KIN HUBBA&D UNIVERSITY Of ILLINOIS e.17 nas'a- 1910 Abe Martin’s Almanack Title Copyrighted Abe Martin’s Brown County Almanack By Kin Hubbard A Volume of Philosophy, Incidents and Scenes Direct from the Paw Paw Belt of Indiana ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR ABE MARTIN PUB. CO. INDIANAPOLIS One Dollar PRE8S OF WM* B. BURFORQ INDIANAPOLIS • 211 >910 > .a? To my baby daughter, Virginia, who has just found her toes Thanks are due to The Indianapolis News for permission to republish much of the material in this volume REARWORD It seems to me that of all the literary and scientific productions of the times the one that needs a foreword least is an Almanack. An Almanack must stand or fall by its contents, its predictions, its reflections and conclusions concerning the seasonable changes, and no foreword that might be written can gloze over any inadequacies that may appear as the year runs its length. What an Almanack should have is a Rear- word. That is, there should be written each year a Rearword for the Almanack that should be run as the Foreword for the Almanack of the next year, calling attention to the eminent accuracy of all that was presented for the guid- ance and instruction of the people in the vol- ume for the year just closed, with, perhaps, a ABE MARTIN’S few modest words of congratulation to the public that they were let in on so meritorious an enterprise. This, of course, is an innovation in Al- manack-making, but Kin Hubbard is an inno- vator, and I am certain he will see the value of the suggestion, as will the thousands who are cheered by his philosophy and guided by his meteorology. Thus, proudly taking my position as a literary Columbus, I pronounce this Foreword a Rearword for the 1909 Al- manack, which was the best book of its kind I ever saw; and also a prophecy concerning the 1910 Almanack, which I have not seen yet, but which I know will surpass all the previous Almanacks, for I have watched Kin Hubbard’s development from sliphorn to science, from parader to philosopher, with pride and en- thusiasm — per aspera ad nasturtium, as Miss Fawn Lippincut would say. SAMUEL G. BLYTHE. ALMANACK ABE MARTIN’S SAYINGS Abe Martin of Brown County, Indiana From a "Photograph Taken Ninety-three Years After General Hoh)e and One Hundred and Fifty-three "British Evacuated "Boston ABE MARTIN’S Miss Tawney Apple attended th’ Thanks- givin’ hop at Melodeon Hall, an’ says that some girls look good in anything an’ some in hardly anything. M Ex-Pres. Roosyfel walked three miles t’ church yisterday an’ returned on foot. M Ole E z Pash started t’ whitewash his chicken coop Saturday but he didn’ have ter- backer enough t’ finish it. Lafe Bud has been refused a pension thro’ th’ Tell Binkley agency. He wuz in th’ Boer war at St. Louis. ALMANACK Miss Germ Williams wuz t’ spend th’ day in Morgantown yisterday but she fergot t’ have it put in th’ paper, so she didn’ go. M Alex Tansey returned t’day with a hundred an’ twenty pound bride with two hundred dol- lars in her own name. They’ll live at th’ New Palace Hut-tel fer awhile till they separate. M It’s wonderful what a difference it makes in th’ cost o’ livin’ when th’ weather gits so your daughter kin spend th’ evenin’s on th’ veranda. Lafe Bud is back from his vacation an’ has gone t’ French Lick fer a rest. ABE MARTIN’S I’ll bet it’s purty hard t’ associate any senti- ment with reg’lar ole fashioned winter weather an’ drive a milk wagon. Jg Pinky Kerr has more hard luck. He’s lost seven hats on Bryan, an’ Saturday he got word that th’ mill he’s been workin’ in is goin’ t’ start up. Young Lafe Bud has a new baby sister t’ grow up an’ support him. I guess Constable Newt Plum’s little grand- daughter up t’ Indynoplus is wonderfully smart. She kin name all th’ presidents, an’ next week they’re goin’ t’ teach her t’ shut th’ car door. ALMANAC K A noncombatant wuz hit on th’ head with a teacup as he wuz passin’ th’ Moots home this mornin’. [ 2 ] ABE MARTIN’S Bermudy onions from Texas, Scotch whisky from Terre Haute an’ French dry cleaners from Indynoplus. M Miss Tawney Apple will probably not go t’ Niagary Falls this summer, as she’s havin’ a ready-made dress altered. Tilford Moots’ wife gits in a fight with him ever mornin’ so he won’t come home t’ dinner. M Th’ trouble with a tellyphone is that th’ gro- cer alius understands you t’ say three pounds instead o’ one. M Mrs. Lib Pash has asked th’ State Board o’ Pardons t’ let her boy out o’ th’ Jeffersonville prison. She says he hain’t satisfied there. ALMANAC K Miss Tawney Apple says she didn’ see no- buddy durin’ leap year that she’d have but a young college feller, an’ she didn’ feel strong enough t’ support two. Miss Fawn Lippincut is practicin’ on a eight-egg filbert tart. Tipton Bud is as slow ’bout payin’ his bills as a prominent business man. M You kin bluff some folks by offerin’ ’em work. M Ther’s a feller in ever community that tries t’ look like Buffalo Bill. ABE MARTIN’S Mother can’t flare up an’ leave like a hired girl. M A feller don’t stay in th’ limelight long these excitable times unless he’s a whitewasher. M Young Lafe Bud wuz put out o’ th’ New Palace Hut-tel yisterday fer garglin’ soup. M People who used t’ look fer situations now look fer jobs. M You kin git on th’ good side o’ most any man by tellin’ him he don’t look a day older. M V/henever you see three farmers standin’ t’gether ther talkin’ ’bout a ditch. ALMANACK Lafe Bud says that tippin’ is a relic o’ bar- berism. M Ole Niles Turner smokes th’ best se-gars he kin find. Sometimes ther half smoked an’ wet, but usually o’ fair quality. M Of all th’ addin’ machines th’ pie counter is th’ most pop’lar. J£ Constable Newt Plum’s son-in-law, up at Indynoplus, has adjusted his sewer assess- ment, an’ will be allowed t’ keep his home. He talks feelin’ly o’ th’ lawyers an’ friends who have stood by him nobly durin’ all th’ improvements in his neighborhood, an’ ’spe- cially his wife, who he says is th’ bravest little woman on earth. ABE MARTIN’S Th’ council met at th’ livery stable last night an’ decided t’ hold a local option ’lection jist t’ advertise th’ town. M Th’ feller that don’t advertise may know his business, but nobuddy else does. M People that blurt out “jist what they think” never think o’ nothin’ pleasant. M Constable Newt Plum’s son-in-law wuz operated on fer pendycitis Tuesday, but th’ operation wuz not successful, an’ he expects t’ go t’ work agin Monday. Th’ feller that practices on a clarionet has no immediate friends. ALMANAC K Who’d want t’ be an aviator an’ be down an’ out most o’ the time? ABE MARTIN’S Th’ last place t’ look fer fish is at a fishin’ resort hut-tel. Th’ only time some fellers er ever seen with ther wives is when they bring ’em down town t’ sign some property away. M Ther’s so many agents an’ grafters travelin’ ’bout these days that it’s almost impossible t’ find th’ proprietor in. Even Colonel Roosyfel is workin’ a skin game. Ther’s no greater point o’ interest in any community than a reliable citizen. ALMANAC K WINS FAIR BRIDE Happy Climax of a Romantic Meeting At Niagara Falls Mr. and Mrs. J. Dwight Moon At the ever popular home of Mr. Tilford Moots and wife and her mother, just east of ABE MARTIN’S the stave factory, last evening at 8 p. m., the happy realization of a dream that began at Niagara Falls, a popular Eastern resort, not quite a month ago, was consummated among a bevy of neighbors and real friends and potted flowers. Anna Aroma, only daughter of the Mootses, plighted her troth to J. Dwight Moon. The bride was snappily arrayed in a going-away suit of dull, mottled effect, with a solid vestibule train and no jewelry except a few pins showing. Little Dorothy Bud, at- tired in spotless plaid, was the ring bearer. The groom looked somewhat shiny but neat and clean in conventional black, and held a large silver, hunting case watch, the gift of the bride’s father. He also holds a responsible position in one of the largest concerns in Illi- nois and comes from an old Sucker State fam- ily long prominent in the councils of the na- tion, his father having hauled the mail from the depot to the postoffice at Paris, Illinois, ALMANACK during the war. The bride is the niece of Dr. St. Clare, a prominent specialist of the ear, eye and nose somewhere in Iowa, and a first cousin of Mr. Chester White, long a prominent brake- man on the Peoria division of the Big Four. She also has a married aunt in the East. She has a large circle of friends among the younger set and has long been closely identified with the burnt- wood movement. Reverend Wiley Tanger was the officiating clergyman and talked feelingly of the duty of the bride’s father to the husband, and how both sunshine and shadow would alternate as they wended their way down life’s pathway to the great beyond. Drawing his cleanly shaven face nearer and nearer the bride he kissed her gent- ly as her newly made husband slipped five brand new ones into his hand. The happy couple’s departure for their future home in the West at 10 p. m. was attended by all the usual jokes and antics. ABE MARTIN’S One Week Later . Mrs. Tilford Moots has gone to Paris, Illi- nois, to spend a few months with her daugh- ter, Mrs. J. Dwight Moon, nee Anna Aroma Moots. Five Months Later . Mrs. Tilford Moots has returned from Paris, Illinois, accompanied by her daughter, Mrs. J. Dwight Moon, nee Anna Aroma Moots, who will make her home with her parents, as Mr. Moon has accepted a traveling position which will keep him away from home the greater part of the time. ALMANAC K A woman never hesitates to git on a crowded street car — she knows some workin’ man’ll git up an’ give her his seat. M Tipton Bud has sent his wife a souvenir pus- tal card from th’ Yellowstone Park, sayin’: “I’m standin’ right on th’ edge o’ a precipice lookin’ straight down five thousand feet. Wish you wuz here.” M Ole Niles Turner wants t’ know how you play Sunday ball. M A feller alius looks simple when he meets somebuddy that used t’ know his wife. M Ther’s lots o’ foxier fellers than Joe Cannon, but ther very few. ABE MARTIN’S Th’ feller with a deep, thick voice alius gits th’ most attention an’ generally knows th’ least. M Young Lafe Bud has left his wife t’ accept an offer fer an experienced single man with no capital. M Tilford Moots’ son what settled in Dakota a year ago has written t’ his father fer a home- seekers’ ticket. M If ther’s anything I feel as sorry fer as a hoss failin’ down it’s a man travelin’ alone with a baby. Th’ hardest thing t’ stop is a temporary chairman. ALMANACK Mrs. Tilford Moots is scarcely able t’ do her housework, an’ th’ doctor says she’ll have t’ have her ’phone taken out. Jg Miss Fawn Lippincut has a new gold tooth an’ it shines like a gallus buckle. Jg Til Moots has put his garden all in, an’ says he expects t’ raise ever’thing usually seen on a fust-class spring hat. If ther’s one thing more’n ’tother that a rela- tive hates it’s a foldin’ bed. A travelin’ doctor with short hair caused considerable comment at th’ hut-tel t’day. ABE MARTIN’S Lafe Bud has won a scholarship in a bar- bers’ college. Ez Pash says th’ thing he can’t understand is that neither Cook er Peary er from Ohio. M Miss Tawney Apple missed school Monday. She had t’ stay home an’ gather up th’ Sunday paper. M Th’ more important a feller gits around a concern th’ easier it seems t’ git along while he is on a vacation. M Mrs. Tilford Moots has decided not to visit her mother in Illynoy this fall. She says she’d rather put th’ money in rugs. ALMANACK THE GREAT AUK By Professor Alex Tansey Somewhere in the East the slow, tedious process of assembling a Great Auk (also spelled Aik, Awk, Alck and Alka) is in progress. This bird belonged to an antediluvian race of mon- sters even exceeding in dimensions the famous Dipl odoccus Carneglei, and, while being distinct- A Distinguished German ty Arctic in its prOClivi- Authontp ties, huge disosaurian de- posits are not infrequently found in Florida. When entirely erected and completed with all trimmings this fowl will undoubtedly be found to be at least a head taller than the celebrated t3] ABE MARTIN’S Gigantosaurus Agustus Africanus, of which we know so little. According to a distin- guished German authority the Great Auk The Great Auk Nearing Completion abounded in Labrador as late as the Tilden campaign, while a scientist of repute in one of the Eastern States writes that large numbers of the birds were seen as early as the fifth ALMANAC K century on the Funks off the south coast of Newfoundland. In a recently published in- terview a prominent Southern scientist is made to say that a splendid specimen of the Great Auk was seen on the streets of St. Augustine, Florida, in the fall of 73. He is further quoted as saying that it is the only North American bird without wings, and that it defended its young by kicking when overtaken in the chase. He tells also of the finding of a section of the spine in the eighties, near Alabama, that measured thirty feet in length, and that it soon crumbled when exposed to the warm Southern atmosphere. A Prominent South ern Scientist ABE MARTIN’S Don’t a feller feel good after he gits out of a store where ( he nearly bought something? ALMANAC K A box o’ vaneered se-gars has reached here, th’ fust o’ th’ campaign. It’s th’ easiest thing in th’ world t’ be funny in a parlor. Jg Miss Tawney Apple’s aunt has finally got enough coffee coupons t’ git a clothes wringer, but it killed her husband. M Mrs. Tilford Moots went t’ town this mornin’ determined t’ git an egg plant fer a nickel. Jg Lib Pash has got three nice chickens out o’ her garden so fer this spring. ABE MARTIN’S Th’ feller that eats hash at th’ New Palace Hut-tel don’t know what he’s missed. M It’s seven miles t’ Morgantown as th’ crow flies er nineteen miles accordin’ t’ th’ leadin’ jeweler. 3 $ Constable Newt Plum’s married dorter hit her finger with a hatchet yisterday an’ th’ fust thing she yelled wuz “git his number.” 3 $ It seems like th’ folks that go t’ work at eight er nine o’clock make all th’ money. M You mustn’ eat oysters in August ’cause some folks call it Orgust. ALMANACK Ole Niles Turner has lost his teeth, an’ he talks like a gum boot rollin’ down stairs. M Miss Mazie Bud, of Stop 15, Sundayed at Stop 16. Most ever’thing folks talk t’ you ’bout these days don’t concern nobuddy but ’emselves. Tipton Bud is one o’ them farmers that votes, rain er shine. M Tilford Moots wuz exhibitin’ a wooden chain at th’ pustoffice yisterday that showed con- siderable genius. He jist carved it out with a reg’lar penknife Monday mornin’ while his wife wuz plowin’. ABE MARTIN’S A ragged, broken down feller passed th’ pustoffice this mornin’ an’ Pinky Kerr said: “You wouldn’ think from lookin’ at him that he played an elegant game o’ billiards ten years ago.” M Cheer up — ther’ hain’t no one everbuddy likes. Hats fer women can’t ever be any worse than they are now. M A tent an’ awnin’ company is makin’ a new uniform for Constable Plum. ALMANACK Mrs. Tipton Bud tripped on a croquet arch yisterday an’ broke her nose. Constable Newt Plum says no further games kin be played in his jurisdiction ’til all th’ brutal features er eliminated. M Th’ feller that don’t git skinned nowadays is disappointed. M Boys will be boys an’ so will lots o’ ole men. M Somethin’s wrong somewhere when a feller can’t save as much as he could when he wuz out o’ work. M Lafe Bud had a fine twelve dollar suit ruined up t’ Indynoplus yisterday. He wuz tryin’ t’ cross th’ street like he’d alius lived there. ABE MARTIN’S Ever father expects his boys t’ do all th’ things he wouldn’ do when he wuz young. M A soft answer is often good fer another month’s rent. Never judge a man by th’ cigar that’s named fer him. M Th’ feller that charges “jist whatever you think’s right” alius gits th’ best o’ it. M Miss Tawney Apple don’t know whether t’ git a one er two bushel hat. M It often happens that a feller’s usefulness ends when his salary is raised. ALMANAC K The Stage The Last Tie “Broken. A Scene from Prof. Alex T onset/’ s New “Drama, "No Chauffer to Guide Her " Pinky Kerr hain’t never been sick a day, an’ he’s been travelin’ with a theatrical company nearly all his life. He says walkin’ is the nat- ural exercise. ABE MARTIN’S Ther wuz a phonergraph show at Melodeon Hall last night an' th’ crowd broke all records. M A nickelodeon pianner player has been known t’ go five days without food er water. It takes eight Sunday papers t’ heat Me- lodeon Hall. M ’Bout th’ only thing that kin be run on wind is a the-atrical boardin’ house. Th’ feller that kin climb up on a Chautauky stage an’ face a sea o’ shirtwaists an’ still hold onto his composure needn’ worry ’bout th’ Aldrich bill. ALMANAC K It seems like th’ folks that owe everybuddy in town never miss a show. M Miss Tawney Apple is sellin’ tickets at th’ nickel the-ater an’ she thinks she’s a actress. M Th’ comedy troupe that played at Melodeon Hall all last week didn’t give away no cut glass pitcher Saturday night as they advertised. Th’ manager came out an’ said business had been so good he would give a rollickin’ farce instead. Th’ lecture on “Altruism” at Melodeon Hall last night didn’ materialize, as nobuddy knew what it meant. ABE MARTIN’S Th’ Olympic The-atrical Club played Pro- fessor Tansey’s new mellerdrammer, “Hair Lip, th’ Scout,” at th’ hall last night. Th’ play wuz so good that after Miss Lippincut rendered “Short Sheets Make th’ Bed Seem Longer” th’ audience got up an’ left, refusin’ t’ take any more fer ther money. M Pinky Kerr says he wuz treated like a dog all th’ time he was with Uncle Tom’s Cabin. M One peculiarity ’bout th’ the-atrical business is that ever’buddy on th’ stage thinks ther th’ best in th’ business. M Th’ court house has t’ move, as a nickel the- ater wants th’ room. ALMANACK It’s alius a relief t’ see a show advertised that you’ve seen once. M It’s purty hard t’ face th’ music sometimes — ’specially in a nickel the-ater. M Th’ feller that wouldn’t walk across th’ street t’ see a circus would cut his own hair. M Ike Lark wuz fired out o’ th’ band fer takin’ a ten-bar rest in a overture at Melodeon Hall last night. M Pinky Kerr has been offered a fine seven- thousand-dollar job at Washin’ton, but he says he’d rather stay here an’ play in th’ band. ABE MARTIN’S Last night wuz as blustery an’ stormy as if ther wuz a virtuoso concert at Melodeon Hall. M Th’ legislature ort t’ pass a law makin’ it a criminal offense fer th’ second fiddler t’ wear his hair like th’ leader. M Some women take great pride in ther hair an’ others never take ther hat off till th’ cur- tain is nearly up. M It’s a mighty mean man that tells his little boy that th’ pe-rade is all ther is t’ a circus. M Pinky Kerr says he has a aunt that never seen a train o’ cars, an’ Tipton Bud says he’s got a uncle that never seen “Way Down East.” ALMANAC K New Melodeon Hall By Miss Germ Williams During the closed season for theatricals Me- lodeon Hall has undergone many notable 14 ] ABE MARTIN’S changes. The walls about the ticket office window have been handsomely whitewashed and the railing along the gallery stairway has been neatly sandpapered. It is the intention Constable NeWt Plum , New Manager of Melo- deon Hall of Constable Newt Plum, who has assumed the management of the popular old playhouse, to make other important changes. If his pres- ent plans carry, an effort will be made to oust ALMANACK Tell Binkley, who occupies a lower floor room just in the rear of the livery stable end. If this can be brought about a dressing room will be added, thus making the theater one of the most comfortable as well as the most modern opera halls west of Lima, Ohio. Manager Plum is also determined to put an end to the old custom, so long popular with the patrons of the theater, of eating sardines during a per- formance and throwing the empty boxes on the floor and elsewhere. Building Notes Mr. Lai Moots, o’ Indynoplus, has turned over his new home as part payment o’ a sewer assessment an’ will return here an’ begin life over. ABE MARTIN’S After a feller gets through havin’ a house built he reads ever’thing he signs. M Tilford Moots’ new house is all finished but th’ mortgage. Tipton "Bud and Wife and Son Lionel in the Early Sixties Tipton Bud’s brother hung hisself this mornin’. He leaves a wife an’ a half finished house. ALMANAC K For Fair Woman’s Eye Chewin’ gum loses its strength when left ex- posed on th’ bed post over night. M Lots o’ young husbands er glad when th’ fust baby comes on account o’ th’ safety pins. ABE MARTIN’S You kin alius tell a novel-readin’ mother by th’ names of her children. Any woman looks good in th’ ole fashioned sunbonnet — side view. M You kin fool a girl on most ever’thing ’cept what’s stylish. M Miss Fawn Lippincut says this is positively th’ last time she’ll change her waist line. M Miss Tawney Apple says that a liberal quan- tity o’ burnt umber spread freely over th’ neck in a true girlish fashion will obliterate th’ win- ter water line. ALMANACK It wuz too late t’ play cards after th’ ole fashioned mother got through with th’ house- work. M Miss Germ Williams’ cousin married th’ most pop’lar an’ richest feller in Champaign, Illynoy, Saturday, an’ she’s combed her hair th’ same way fer fifteen years. M Th’ Shakespeare Club met at Miss Fawn Lippincut’s t’day an’ discussed hats. M Some girls will tolerate most any kind of a feller rather than give back any jewelry. JS A woman don’t begin t’ look purty till nine o’clock in th’ mornin’. ABE MARTIN’S What’s become o’ th’ ole fashioned nubia with window curtain tassels hangin’ on th’ ends that th’ girls used t’ wear? JS Grandmother didn’ know nothin’ ’bout th’ benzoate o’ sody. She hid her jelly t’ make it keep. M Th’ modern girl writes t’ a woman’s maggy- zine instead o’ askin’ her mother. M Miss Germ Williams says it is not proper fer a young man t’ go out between films when he takes his girl t’ th’ nickel the-ater. Jg Miss Fawn Lippincut has thrown away her panatella corset. Hip! hip! ALMANAC K A Indian baby never cries, but who would want to be an Indian father? M It is said by one who is in ever’ way quali- fied t’ speak on th’ subject that th’ reason thousands o’ girls never git married is that at some time er other they’ve expressed ’emselves as bein’ bitterly opposed t’ housework. M What’s become o’ th’ good, ole fashioned girl that used t’ say “Excuse onions,” instead o’ lyin’ ’bout bein’ at home? M Th’ June bride should remember that it’s not alius easy t’ dress up-t’-date on th’ money from her husband’s ole clothes. Jg False teeth er all right in ther place. ABE MARTIN’S A flat is one room all cut up. If your husband don’t like t’ stay at home mebbe it’s ’cause you don’t know he chaws ter- backer. M Th’ Colonial Whist Club met yisterday an’ talked about ever’buddy in town. M Mrs. Tilford Moots’ sister passed away yis- terday at Roundhead, Ohio. She had long been prominent in all movements fer th’ bet- terment o’ women, an’ her husband has been missin’ fer years. If ther wuz only three women in th’ world they’d all hate housework. ALMANAC K Miss Fawn Lippincut is writin’ a recipe on how t’ keep from turnin’ red at a musical comedy. M Pianner playin’ is a fine accomplishment, but th’ practicin’ ort t’ be done in th’ woods. M Miss Tawney Apple says if it wuzn’t fer startin’ ever’buddy t’ knockin’ she’d announce her engagement. M Babies er great institutions. Most folks wouldn’t take a million dollars fer th’ fust one er refuse a nickel fer th’ second. M Miss Tawney Apple, who is t’ be married in September, has asked fer a respite. ABE MARTIN’S Nothin’ fades like popularity if it’s overex- posed. M Ther’s no substitute fer th’ bloom o’ youth that you can’t tell across th’ street. M A slice o’ egg plant makes a dandy sink stop- per. M I guess it’s better in th’ long run t’ keep your mouth shut, even if you do get th’ repu- tation fer bein’ uninterestin’. ALMANAC K Lots o’ fellers take ther hat off in a elevator that think a woman’s place is in th’ kitchen. Jg The average girl would look better if she’d dress her hair accordin’ t’ her face. Jg Ever girl has an age when she can’t decide whether t’ try t’ git married er be a trained nurse. Jg Miss Fawn Lippincut says it’s perfectly proper fer a feller t’ take his girl’s arm while passin’ a engine house. ABE MARTIN’S Nothin’ a little man says ever sounds prob- able. ALMANAC K Ther’ never wuz a real county fair without an ole lady in a black alpaca dress an’ sunbon- net settin’ under a tree by th’ art hall smokin’ terbacker an’ pennyroyal mixed. Miss Tawney Apple, bride t’ be, went up t’ Indynoplus t’day t’ buy her tonneau. Jff After all, th’ only ole, reliable, safe an’ sane sport is croquet. J£ Ther’ never kin be any real happiness where ther’s bad coffee. M After a feller gits married he goes home at noon fer a couple o’ weeks t’ kiss his wife an’ then he begins t’ eat down town. ABE MARTIN’S After a feller distinguishes himself these days he starts right in t’ make it pay. Rev. Wiley Tanger has resigned his pastur- age, as his wife didn’ care fer croquet. M Owin’ t’ th’ hard times th’ members o’ th’ Prosperity Club er wearin’ ther uniforms ever’ day. M Th’ hardest thing ’bout makin’ a speech is knowin’ what t’ do with your hands. M While workin’ by th’ hour yisterday Sam Hale wuz found dead near th’ pump from drinkin’ too much water. ALMANAC K Tipton Bud wuz up all night with his baby walkin’ in his bare feet on a crex rug, M Th’ feller that argues with himself alius gits th’ best o’ it. M Th’ fool an’ his father’s money soon part. You kin tell how some girls hate work by th’ fellers they marry. M Th’ more you read how t’ raise chickens th’ fewer eggs you gather. M Some men er not as black as ther painted an’ some women not as pink, 15 ] ABE MARTIN’S Tell Binkley says th’ Indynoplus street car conductors er th’ most accomodatin’ fellers he ever met. When he paid his fare Sunday one o’ them told him he wuz sorry he didn’ have a Canadian quarter t’ give him. M Some fellers git credit fer bein’ quiet an’ in- offensive when ther really in th’ mail order business. M Never take anything t’day you can’t put back t’morrow. You kin fool all th’ people all th’ time after th’ cantaloupe season opens. When two homely people meet they alius seem glad t’ see each other. ALMANAC K Young Lafe Bud is slowly recoverin’ from a rim fire sandwich he et at Helmsburg. Jg Ther’s entirely too many people in this country lookin’ fer light employment. Jg Ther’s lots o’ varieties o’ Dimmycrats, but th’ stringless er very few. Jg A grown person alius looks simple ridin’ b’hind a pony. Jg Dock Mopps visited his boyhood home at Tulip, Indianny, yisterday, fer th’ fust time in forty years. He found ever’thing jist th’ same, ’cept th’ whiskers er longer. ABE MARTIN’S Th’ fust thing lots o’ folks think of as soon as they git up in th’ mornin’ is how they kin git ther names in th’ paper. M Ole Mat Thomas, who fell thro’ th’ hay hole at th’ livery stable Monday, will never be able t’ work agin, so his boys have joined th’ reg’lar army. ALMANACK On the twenty-third day of last November Uncle Niles Turner celebrated his one hun- dred and third birthday. His faculties are still unimpaired, and he takes great pride in the fact that he never reported a conductor. He talks interestingly of a very wet spring in the early thirties when every croquet set in the village sprouted. Uncle Niles Turner Uncle Niles Turner By one r)int sweer s3§ i. Bre^hoers The End Other Abe Martin Books Abe Martin’s Sayings (1907), $1.00. Abe Martin’s Almanack (1908), $1.00. The W. K. Stewart Co., Indianapolis. Abe Martin’s Almanack (1909), $1.00. Abe Martin Pub. Co., Indianapolis.