"L I E) R. A FL Y 
 
 OF THE 
 U N IVERSITY 
 Of ILLINOIS 
 
 8Z3 
 
 L399w 
 
 vl
 
 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE 
 
 OR, A 
 
 PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE.
 
 THE 
 
 WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 OU, A 
 
 PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 
 
 BY 
 
 LADY BULWER LYTTON. 
 
 AUTHOR OF "CHEVELEY," "BEHIND THE SCENES," &C. 
 
 •' What a poor, what a paltry, what a merciless passion is this passion of 
 Gallantry! yet (among a certain set) it reflects no scandal whatever upon its 
 followers, tho' it begins in the most despicable falsehoods, and tenninates in the 
 most irreparable destruction." — Kelly's " Word to the Wise." 
 
 " I know there are rascals, but the world is good in the lump, and I love all 
 human kind; kings, lords, commons, duchesses, tallow-chandlers, dairy-maids, 
 Indian chiefs, ambassadors, washerwomen, and tinkers ; they all have their claims 
 upon ray regard, in their different stations, and hang me if I don't believe there 
 are even honest attorneys ! " — 0. Colmun's " Who wants a Guinea ? " 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 CHARLES J. SKEET, PUBLISHER, 
 
 10, KING WILLIAM ST., CHARING CROSS. 
 1858. 
 
 fi^^e ^-nt^or userks t^« rig^ of ^translation.
 
 LOXDON : 
 GODS-aST AND DELAXY, o, BAVOT STREET, BTEAKD.
 
 v.X 
 
 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 OE, 
 
 A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 '•' ^^ATTERS is took ! " 
 
 ^^^'^^'^ " Lawi^ ! Bob Bumioiis ! you don't say so ? with 
 
 them there teeth of his, a mouth full of man-traps, I calls 
 
 'em, he'd never let nobody go for to take him, sure-ly," said 
 
 a sceptical lady at a washing tub, pausing in her occupation, 
 
 -^ and mping the suds off of her arms, as she addressed an 
 
 ^ individual who rushed into the kitchen of a half-farm, 
 
 ~ half-alehouse, situated in a sort of close called The Prioiy 
 
 «^ Close, in a provincial town of the West of England, and 
 
 ^ which being much frequented by farmers and drovers on 
 
 ^^ market-days, was with a sort of double-barrelled compliment 
 
 aimed at them and their cattle, designated by the somewhat 
 
 hieroglyphical sign and name of "The Top Boot and 
 
 VOL. I. B 
 
 i
 
 2 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Horns," the execution of which was both witty and 
 sentimental, for there was much 'point about the horns, and a 
 great depth of sole about the boots, so that a poet, if poets 
 (even small-beer poets) ever frequented alehouses, might 
 have taken it for an allegorical tableau of Italy, between 
 the horns of that social and political dilemma which seem 
 ever to prevent her getting (except a loropos de hoUes) a 
 proper footing among nations. 
 
 This hospitable open house was kept by one Bridget 
 Bumpus, a widow, who was blest, or it might be, distressed 
 with three sons, the eldest of whom was professionally 
 parish clerk, and socially parish schoolmaster, holding his 
 academy in an out-house adjacent to his mother's premises, 
 which had once been a brewery, but was now formed, 
 desked, and whitewashed for scholastic purposes, so that 
 where beer had erst fermented, birch now tormented, and 
 both, to attain the same ends, though by different means, 
 namely, that of getting something into empty heads. The 
 pedagogue was named Moses ; why he took the pas of the ' 
 national school was that he professed Greek, having been 
 a Sizar at Cambridge, but this did not make him proud ; 
 for, like the French professor, he seemed fidly aware of 
 the orthographical difficulties of the English language, and 
 like him, seemed quite convinced that the gist of the 
 matter consisted in when you wrote Nebuchadnezzar, 
 pronouncing it Sardanapalus. 
 
 But whether owing to Greek or grammar, the bii'ch, or 
 the Belles-lettres, all or neither, certain it was, that he was 
 by far the best son, and, the nearest approacliing to a 
 comfort that the widow Bumpus had ; for while he wi'ote 
 up his own rules and regulations in his school, and called 
 them "The Laws of Moses,"" he never seemed to forget 
 that one of those laws (in the original) enjoined duty to
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 3 
 
 his mother. Being much afflicted with rheumatism iii the 
 head, and therefore naturally dreading the currents of air 
 from the continually opening school-room door, his official 
 costume consisted of his old black stuff college gown, a 
 Welsh wig drawn down over liis ears for their protection, 
 but surmoimted by his square college cap, and though 
 only thii'ty, his sight being none of the best, and his nose 
 large, with a bridge rising in the centre like the Rialto at 
 Venice, was peculiarly adapted for a hippodrome to a pair 
 of large, round, silver-rimmed spectacles ; and as in case 
 of his requirmg to be " assisted" by it in the marriages 
 he was ever solemnizing between learning and stupidity, 
 he held the birch sceptre-wise during school hours, so 
 wliile seated in his two-armed old oaken high-backed 
 chair, with his red-and-white checked cushion, Moses 
 Bmnpus was altogether "grand to see V 
 
 The widow's second son, Eobert by baptism, but Bob by 
 custom, was, we are sorry to own it, the fast fatality of 
 the family. Races and thimble-rig were his forte, cream 
 of the valley his weakness, Bell's Life his study, and 
 comic songs and tricks with cards, his S2:)ecialites. He, to 
 his mother's great despair, affected the degag^ in his 
 attire, till it almost amounted to slovenliness, the coats he 
 generally wore looking as if they had originally been made 
 for a giant, so that the tails on him nearly dangled to the 
 ground ; the elbows were generally ventilated with at least 
 one large hole, through which his shirt appeared like a 
 flag of truc^ But if his coat was too long, his waistcoat 
 was invariably too short, so that again he was put to his 
 shifts, which appeared more en evidence round the waist, 
 than that quiet, unobtrusive garment generally does in 
 good society. Some great naturalists can, or say they can, 
 which does just as well, tell by a single tooth whether the 
 
 b2
 
 4 THE WOKLD AND HI8 AVIFE ; 
 
 animal to wliicli it had Ijelonged was camiverou.s or 
 herbaceous, but unless Sartors of equal acumen existed 
 who could, from a single button, pronounce a decided 
 opinion as to what genus trousers had belonged, it 
 would have been utterly impossible to have come to any 
 verdict touching those of Bob Bumpus, except that from 
 circumstantial evidence it might have been supposed that 
 they had been originally corduroys, from a large, pale, 
 arid patch at either knee, and the evident manner in 
 which they recoiled at the ankles, from associating with 
 his higlilows. Not so his blue coat, though decorated 
 with gilt buttons, that many an atmospheric and tavern 
 storm had "taken the shine out of," its tails were 
 continually flapping against his heels, like the flaccid wings 
 of a broad-cloth bat. 
 
 His throat was encircled "svith a wisp of a red and white 
 bird's eye cotton kerchief, t\visted into such servile 
 imitation of a rope, that it looked as if he were endeavouring 
 to thoroughly ground his neck in the rudiments of 
 hanging. This, with a totally napless and nearly rimless 
 hat, worn horizontally at the back of his head, completed 
 his costume. His person is not so easily described ; for 
 his features, without havmg any pretensions to beauty, 
 were in their original form equally removed from ugliness ; 
 that is, from anything bad or mean, which alone deserves 
 the name, but now they were shrouded in a mire of low 
 dissipation, which, like all calumnies, eclipsed the truth, 
 and the sunken hazel eyes in which a Lavatg:, in spite of 
 alcohol, might have discovered the halo of a heart, to the 
 ordinary observer, presented nothing but a blear. His 
 nose, which, though rather large, was well foraied, at times 
 looked so volcanic, that it would have converted the 
 greatest sceptic as to spontaneous combustion ; and even
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 5 
 
 the mouth — that most im alterable of all features — though 
 naturally almost handsome, had also undergone the 
 Silenus transformation of his other features, and the slang 
 which he affected (for it was but affected, as for his sphere, 
 Eobert Bumpus was a well-educated, and even a well-read 
 man) seemed to have permanently vulgarized it. Though 
 only nine-and-twenty, his brown hair was already grizzled, 
 which is generally Time's first mortgage on dissipation. 
 
 Bob's outward passions were his dog Tatters, the race- 
 course, and, we must confess it, the dice-box. We say his 
 outward passions, for the human tenement, like those of 
 brick and stone, has its exterior and its interior, and verily 
 in both, even to the most intimate, who have the entree of 
 the latter, still are there recesses known only to the 
 owner ; and so to the world (liis world) Eobert Bumpus 
 was a social, joyous, reckless fellow — ay, reckless that was 
 he ; for mirth and happiness, though so often mistaken 
 the one for the other, are not related. Happiness has a 
 home, and seldom leaves it. Mirth has none, and so flies from 
 one excitement to another tUl it becomes recklessness, and 
 the bitter lees of this sparkling, foaming, effervescing reck- 
 lessness, are ever a sorrow, an injustice, or a remorse. 
 Those who have no one to care for them, seldom care for 
 themselves ; and as Bob fancied that no one cared for 
 liim, he, like the farinaceous philosopher of the river Dee, 
 cared for nobody, at least so he let everybody think, with 
 the exception of his dog Tatters, who appeared to be the 
 passion and the solitary affection of his life. 
 
 Tatters was a sort of darkslate-colom^ed skye terrier, the 
 very heau ideal of beautiful ugliness, with of com^se, 
 mysteriously luminous, and magnificently intelligent, and 
 polyglot brown eyes, but his coat was a curiosity, being so 
 long and matted as to closely imitate a bundle of jagged
 
 6 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 and very dirty rags, and hence his name of Tatters. But 
 if lie failed hi costume, he more than made up for it in 
 cleverness, for whether in smoking a pipe, picking a 
 pocket, simulating death, making the tour of the room on 
 two legs, and those a front and a hind one, selecting any 
 command card from a whole pack, or exercising his Ugere 
 de imtte in conveying any stray coin of the realm from 
 table or mantel-piece to his master's pocket, Tatters was 
 imrivalled, for he had been educated in a circus, and seen 
 much of the insular world by constant travelling from fair to 
 fair in the United Kingdoms, which had greatly sharpened 
 his orio'inal Celtic and canine shrewdness. How he had 
 originally come into Mr. Bumpus's possession is not quite 
 so clear : he said he had bought him ; however, as all 
 purchases require money, and that (doubtless from a dread 
 of appearmg purse-proud), nothing of the sort was ever seen 
 with Bob Bumpus, for even his scores at all the public- 
 houses throughout the comity were settled in some 
 mysterious way, independent of the circulating medium. 
 
 That legend was always deemed rather apocry[)hal, 
 though furnished with a pendant, of Mr. Bumpus having 
 one Derby day " refused from a nobleman on the course a 
 matter of fifty-two j^32(7i ten, for Tatters,"' which standard 
 anecdote was always accompanied by an energetic thump 
 on the ground with a knobby oaken stick which he 
 invariably carried, more as a very necessary means of 
 support than for the carrying out of any foppish fantasies, 
 and was sure to be followed by this supplement : — " No ! 
 nor if so be as he had made it an under ed he shouldn't a 
 ad Tatters, for where Bob Bmnpus is, Tatters is, and where 
 Tatters is, Bob Bimipus is ; so offers for Tatters don't suit 
 my book. Now, gents, clear the course, for the osses 
 is a going to start,'' and other similar figurative expres-
 
 OR, A PEE30N OF CONSEQUENCE. 7 
 
 sionst, for Mr. Biimpus's conversation was always spiced 
 with sporting phraseology. 
 
 But, notwithstandmg his great talents, and the great 
 store set upon them by his master, and the varied and 
 numerous circles of choice spirits that he frequented, 
 there was a melancholy ex23ression in Tatters's face, which 
 neither his mibomided succ4s de socUU, the tid bits it pro- 
 duced, nor the constant chano:e of air and scene, which his 
 master's migratory habits procured for him, seemed capa- 
 ble of dispelling ; there was, in truth, a sort of fallen 
 canine angel look about him, as if he had originally come 
 not from the Isle of Sky but from the sky, where as 
 " bright canis " he had figured as a constellation ; in short, 
 to improve upon Malebranche's idea, of animals having 
 incurred death by having eaten forbidden hay. Tatters 
 looked as if he had committed sin, and entailed sorrow, 
 by ha^dng eaten forbidden bones, and was expiating his 
 faidt in a life-long moral indigestion. 
 
 Sometimes indeed, his master feared that " Tatters was 
 a gitting coniuerted up at them Morningtons, as he irre- 
 verently called the Lord of the Manor's family, who were a 
 serious family, with the exception of the second son, a 
 Captain in the Guards, and his eldest sister, a Mrs. Delmar, 
 a very pretty young widow, suspected by her mother, Mrs. 
 MorniAgton, who belonged'to a sect of her own, of having 
 in her last visit to London acquired a twist of Pusepsm, 
 and a probable successor to "Poor dear Delmar/' But 
 though at the IManor House the prayers were incessant, 
 Mrs. Momington and her eldest son Luther (now Lord of 
 the Manor, for his father was dead), not being content 
 with a simple gTace before and after meals, but insisting 
 upon a long Litany, still the provisions were equally 
 plentiful, and it is to be feared that the latter it was, which
 
 8 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 were the attraction to Tatters, whenever he found himself 
 at Field Fleury, as we shall call the village in which Mor- 
 nington Manor and "The Top Boot and Horns" were 
 situated. 
 
 But Tatters's master had another fear, touching his 
 favourite's constant visits to the Manor House, not indeed 
 that pretty little Miss Eva, who was very fond of him, 
 would 'tice him away, but that Spriggs, Captain Morning- 
 ton's groom, a Melton man and a knowing hand, might do 
 so, on one of his occasional vists to Field Fleury, but 
 in this, Mr. Bumpus was only following the usual pur- 
 blind course of human nature, and dreading an evil from 
 the quarter whence it was not to come ; for alas, upon the 
 day which we have introduced him to the reader, he had 
 just returned from the Derby, and on that course it was — 
 that course so fatal to so many — that he had lost or been 
 robbed of Tatters : a catastrophe which, on rushing into his 
 mother's kitchen he had announced by the racing phrase, 
 that he had been taken or as he called it " took." 
 
 But one more member of the widow Bmnpus's family 
 remains to be mentioned, which was her third son, 
 Edward, better known in that and the surrounding ham- 
 lets as Ned Bumpus — " an artist," as he flatteringly de- 
 nominated himself — " a hanimal painter," as his brother 
 Kobert desig-nated him, and he it was, who had con- 
 descended (though out of his usual line) instead of 
 attempting a wonder, to produce the sign over his 
 mother's door. All that depended on him to become a 
 genius he had done, for he wore his shirt-collar open — his 
 hair (which was a dry dusty l^rown), long, lanky, and in 
 disorder : — was particularly addicted to smoking, and not 
 particularly addicted to soap ; however, he had the good 
 sense to confine his studies to the nature within his reach.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 9 
 
 and therefore Tinlike the late Mr. Turner, his pictures 
 were not as some one wittily said of those of the defunct 
 R A.'s, " Pictures of Nothing and very like \' but they 
 were a sort of retail Teniers, pictures of pots, pans, pigs, 
 cats, and cabbages, with the obligato amount of dust flying 
 about them in such a state of graphic insurrection, that it 
 might have deceived the oldest duster in the parish, and 
 thro^vn a thrifty housewife into hysterics. 
 
 He had improvised a studio, in one corner of the 
 kitchen, by partitioning off a triangle of the red brick 
 floor with a deal form laid horizontally along it ; from this 
 niche he could command a full view of his mother's petti- 
 coated, blue stocldnged, round-capped figure, as she stood 
 at her washing tub; the sunbeams from the open door, 
 falling in an artistic light athwart the railways of moats 
 that intervened diagonally between him and the lavan- 
 diere: the said sunbeams resting eventually on the mimic 
 alps of soap-suds that the good woman was creating, in a 
 thousand bright prismatic hues, like those atmospheric 
 sapphires, rubies, and opals, which gem a Jura smiset. 
 
 At the artist's feet reclined a small China pig, fast 
 asleep, dreaming no doubt that he " dwelt in marble '" stys, 
 and apparently ignoring the very tempting large cabbage 
 and bmich of carrots that lay within such tantalizing 
 reach of him. A little further on, was a demure looking 
 tortoiseshell cat, with its tail curled round its two fore 
 paws, while it was busy with its tongue " doing up " the 
 beautiful white ruff* that encircled its neck, till suddenly 
 its attention was arrested by a suspended cage, just above 
 the artist's head, in which a mouse was kicking for its 
 picture; all these accessories, Ned Bumpus was work- 
 ing into a tableau, the ordonnance of which he had 
 arranged, and had just caught the predatory fire in the
 
 10 THE WORLD AND HIS WIPE; 
 
 cat's eye, when liis l^rother Bob rushed into the kitchen, 
 ovci-whelming like an earthquake the diagonal railways of 
 dust, as flinging himself on a bench and thumping his 
 knobbed stick furiously on the gromid, without a word of 
 QTeetino; either to mother or brother, after three weeks 
 absence, he exclaimed — 
 
 "Tatters is took!'' 
 
 And Mrs. Bumpus, disencumbering her wrists of their 
 soap-sud bracelets, paused, by resting her hands on the 
 sides of the tub, and expressed her wonder, that in spite 
 of his teeth. Tatters should have allowed such a disaster 
 to have befallen him. 
 
 " Tatters lost ! " echoed Ned Bumpus, thrusting his 
 brush through the hole of his pallet, and forgetting his 
 annoyance at havmg the dust disturbed, and the cat's 
 attention called off, in his regTet at the loss of Tatters, who 
 like all clever dogs was a general favourite. "Tatters 
 lost ! poor fellow ; and before I had done his picture, too — 
 how on earth did you manage to lose him, Bob, I thought 
 you and Tatters were one V 
 
 " And so we was, till they tore us — reglarly tore us 
 asunder — as I may do this here anherchir," said Mr. 
 Bumpus, attempting tears, but from his chronic dislike to 
 water in any shape, signally failing in the attempt, as he 
 drew from his pocket a segment of cotton manufacture, of 
 a nondescrij^t colom', which he deliberately, but energeti- 
 cally rent asunder, thereby typifying how he and Tatters 
 had been severed ; -with, it might be, a symbol of a broken 
 heart thrown into the bargain. 
 
 " Law, Bob ! don't you go for to destroy yer ankerchers 
 in that way, I'm sure rags is plentiful enough with you, 
 without a forcing on 'em like musheroons in a 'ot bed," 
 remonstrated the mother.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONl^EQUENCE. 11 
 
 "Ay," sighed ]\Ir. Bumpiis, lecaning both his elbows 
 on the table, and covering his large face with his large 
 hand — ^his nose glowmg like a bude light through the 
 interstices of his fingers, as he sighed out " ay, rags is 
 plenty, but Tatters is scarce : give us a drop of summut, 
 I'm not particklar, and I'll tell yer all about it; but what's 
 one man's meat, is another man's pisoji, as the saying is, 
 and though I've lost Tatters, I've got a scoUard for Moses." 
 
 " Oh ! but one as 'ill pay, I hope," said Mrs. Bumpus : 
 at this announcement producing, — not indeed the bottle, 
 with which she never trusted her hopeful son; more it 
 must be confessed for monetary than for moral reasons, — 
 but a glass containing what she considered a fair allow- 
 ance. 
 
 "What's this for?" said Mr. Bumpus, with great self- 
 denial pushing away the glass ; " these here trifling odds 
 dont suit my book ; — here Polly," continued he, turning 
 to a thick-set, cherry-cheeked maid, who at that moment 
 entered, with a cullender full of spinach that she had been 
 washing at a neighbouring trough, "you hand out that 
 ere black cream-jug, as has got a cork in it ; and if so be 
 as your missus thinks as I'm a going to be a defaulter, tell 
 her you knows better, and mil trouble her to chalk down 
 nothing ; but jist settle the cream bill out of this here 
 goold-^noh, and hand over the diflference." 
 
 And suiting the action to the word, to the unspeakable 
 surprise of Polly, and still more to that of his mother and 
 brother, he flmig her a sovereign, which alighted in the 
 very centre of the spinach, where it gleamed like the set- 
 ting-sun through an American prairie. The bottle was 
 instantly produced ; and Mr. Bumpus having repudiated 
 tlie small glass, and asked for what he called a theatrical 
 gentleman, vulgo, a tumbler; and explained to his mother
 
 12 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 as he poiu'ed the contents of the small glass into the large 
 one, and pomted first to the latter and then to the former : 
 — " This here is what you calls ' a go/ but that ere, is ' no 
 go.' " And then as a spirited prelude to his ensuing com- 
 mmiication, he swallowed at a single draught the quantum 
 contained in the tumbler. 
 
 "You see," recommenced Mr. Bumpus, "ven a cove is 
 hon the turf, it natrelly brings him acquainted with all 
 the nobs, gents, big-wigs, and such-like, in the land ; — for 
 the Hoakes hand the Derby, like Love and Death, levels 
 all distinctions ; and very ^^roper, too, — cause thais what's 
 meant by a fi^ee-born Briton, Civil hand Religus Hberty, — 
 the Jews' Disabilities Bill, Free-trade, Municipal Reform, 
 a Henglishman's ouse being his castle (heven liif he ha'nt 
 got niver a ouse), hand hall the liotheT priwilleffes, hand 
 disorders of our glorus constitootion. Veil vots the hup- 
 shot? S'pose has Bob Bimipus is poor ? — s'pose further, 
 that he may be a trifle hout at ethers ? — 'spose, halso, to 
 go igher hup in what the parliament gents hon the ust- 
 tings calls the 'social scale,' spose, I say, he ave got a 
 shocking bad hat, that don't make no odds, so long as 
 heVe got brains hunder it ; for if he ave, the fust lord in 
 the land will tip him the wink, hand say — 
 
 " ' Bumpus, you're a clever fellow, hand are hup to a 
 thing or two/ 
 
 "'Make it the arf dozen,' I says, 'my lord, hand you 
 von't be no loser, for I shan't bolt/ His lordship laughs 
 and we gets as thick as two — no, that warn't genteel for a 
 lord — ^but leastways, as thick as the heads of two men in 
 hofi&ce. 
 
 " ' Secrets, you know, hin hevery family, Bumpus," says 
 his lordship. 
 
 '"A few, or thereabout, my lord.''
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 18 
 
 '•'I hear, Bumpiis, you heave a brother a sehoobiia.ster at 
 Field Fleiuy, a very worthy man V 
 
 "'Better than if he was worse/ says I, not liking to bet 
 too largely on a foal of my own dam. 
 
 " 'Little boy, eight years hold, chestnut hair, friends un- 
 kno^^ii, to be put to school, no questions asked, and ^£^50 
 a year, paid quarterly, till removed to college, or continent. 
 You take, Bmnpus.' 
 
 " ' Bmnpus taken,' says I, ^viiting it down in my book 
 as if it was a bet. Lordship laughs again, pulls hout his 
 puss, hand putting (but that's nothing to nobody) it into 
 my hand, says, ' I don't wait to pay up hat Tattersal's ; I 
 pays on the course.' 
 
 " ' But to Tatters all, your lordship,' says I, a whistling 
 to Tatters, hand innting, at the same time, to my own 
 elhers. 
 
 " Lordship laughs again, and tells me has I war to get a 
 new rig hout, and call for the young gent next Tooseday, 
 at Paddington, where I should find him hall ready packed 
 and directed, ven I vos to bring him hon here to Moses. 
 That's what I calls business," concluded Mr. Bumpus, 
 replenishing his glass, and draining it at the same time 
 with a sonorous smack of the lips. 
 
 " Lawr, Bob ! and the lord's name ?" asked the widow 
 distending her eyes so wide that they looked as if they 
 never would get back to their ordinary dimensions. 
 
 " Couldn't on no account think of calling lords names," 
 said Mr. Bimipus, shaking his head mysteriously, com- 
 pressing his lips tightly, and plunging both his hands into 
 the nethermost abyss of his trouser-pockets. 
 
 "Well, but the young gent's name, surely you must 
 know that ; for how could Moses teach a schoUard without 
 a name ?"
 
 14 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 "Oh, ay! the youiig gent as is entered to win at 
 the next Birch Meeting ; here it is/' said he, excavating a 
 very dirty betting-book from his pocket, and by means of 
 a grand j miction canal effected between his thmnb and 
 his tongue, tmiiing over the leaves till he came to one 
 particular leaf, when he read out, " Walter Selden. 
 But/' continued he, again filling and emptying his glass, 
 *'ham I not a man and a brother? so when once the sun began 
 to shine, I did not forget you, Ned Bmnpus, for it haint 
 no manner of use being modest with great folks ; for hif 
 so be as you has ort to know yom'self don't think nothing 
 of yourself, it stands to reason as they, who knows nothing 
 about you, will take their cue from that, and won't think 
 nothing on you either ; but always begin by ticketing 
 yourself with a high figure ; and though they maynt hin 
 their ]iovn\ minds set the same walley hon you, they can't 
 for shame venter to hoffer you so wery much less than 
 yom^ hown price, hand in that way you walks hover the 
 course. So arter I had secured the fifty j^un a year for 
 Moses hand netted my hown winnings, I says to his lord- 
 ship, as fresh as a four year old, ' My lord,' says I, * I've 
 another brother a hartist, who is purdigus hanxious to 
 travel ; he's- always a talking about going to the Rhincl, 
 which I 'spose his hin the Prince of Horange's do- 
 minions/ " 
 
 " ' Umph,' says his lordship, pulling his under lip, in a 
 sort of thortful hesitating way like ; and arter a minute 
 he says, says he, ' What's his name?' I know'd quite enough 
 to know as it is honly names as gets hanytliing, hand that 
 some names is always the right name in the right place, in 
 has much has that noplace comes a miss to 'em, so I hups 
 and says, has bold has brass — for there's no use in oping to 
 git hanything unless you is so—' has for his name, I says,
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 15 
 
 my lord, liis name's all right enough, his name's Helliot/ 
 I see at once as the name took effec. ' Ho Helliot/ says 
 his lordship, pat as possible, repeating the name for 
 surety's sake, as a casliier would the signiture of a cheque, 
 to be sui-e it was all right, ' Helliot Bumpus ; well, we 
 nmst do something for him, we'll see about it/ 
 
 " ' I don't want to put your lordship to any htmneces- 
 sary trouble, \\iq fusts enough, I shall be quite satisfied if 
 you'll do it ; no occasion to see about it, my lord.' 
 
 '•' His lordship laughed agin, and said — ' Well, Bumpus, 
 when you honpacks Walter Selden s things, you'll find 
 your brother's passport made out for the Rhind! " 
 
 I'm very, very much obliged to you. Bob, I'm sure," 
 said the young man, his eyes sparkling with delight, as he 
 flung dowTi his pallet, passed the rubicon of the barrier 
 form, and advanced up the kitchen towards his brother ; 
 '' but you know, Bob, my name is not Elliot" 
 
 " Well, if it's not it ort to be, since you've got all you 
 want for only the trouble of axing ; but axing, as Moses 
 would say, is the axis hon vich the world turns : but Ned, 
 Ned, for hall these here favours of fortin I'm a miserable 
 man, a bereaved hindiwidual — ^for here, as you would say, his 
 the rewerse of the picter. Ven his lordship 'ad agreed 
 in the ansomest manner to hevery hitem of my little ac- 
 count I turns round, the world was at a hend, Ned, — 
 TATTERS WAS GONE 1 !" 
 
 " No, no, poor fellow, let us hope not," said the brother, 
 " I have such faith in Tatters's cleverness, sagacity, and 
 geographical instincts, that I've no doubt he'll find his way 
 back wherever he is." 
 
 " I should think so, too," des2:)onded his master. " If so 
 be as he'd been the plague of my life, but I knows the 
 world better than you, Ned Bumpus, hand hit's a thing
 
 IG THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 uiiknowii; that when one loses a comfort, a friend, a 
 appiness, or a shilling, that they hever conies back. Veil, 
 it von't bear thinking on ; Tatters is took, and no mis- 
 take. Mother send for Moses, that I may tell him about 
 the schollard I've got for him, for he don't like me going 
 into his grammar-shop among his young hidears as he's a 
 teaching how to shoot ; don't think I'm smart and genteel 
 enough, and all that sort of thing," concluded Mr. Bumpus, 
 stretcliing himself full length on the bench where he had 
 been seated, and coverins; his face mth the better — that is 
 with the larger half, of the kerchief he had so remorselessly 
 torn in twain. 
 
 " Lawr, Polly's a new gurl, I doubt as she'll find the 
 school-house," said Mrs. Bumpus, as if fearing the alter- 
 native of being obliged to go herself. 
 
 "Oh, yes, mother," said Ned Bumpus, calling Polly. 
 "I'll shew her where it is from the door, and she 
 can't miss it," and as soon as Polly re-appeared he added, 
 pointing to the tenement in question — 
 
 " There, you see that second long straggling building in 
 the field, with a stone cross on the top of the arched door- 
 way, and a window like a church mndow at the side ?" 
 
 "Ay, sure, sir." 
 
 " Well, that's the school-house ; go and knock at the 
 door, and tell Mr. Moses his mother would be glad to 
 speak with him a minute." 
 
 And away went Polly to what was now the school- 
 room, had been the brewery, and before that again, in the 
 olden time, the refectory of the monks, when Field Fleury had 
 boasted a considerable priory, from whence the land on which 
 the Widow Bumpus's house was situated, was still called the 
 Priory Close, and the adjacent fields the Priory Meadows. 
 
 "HeUow," cried Bob Bumpus, suddenly regaining his
 
 OR, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE, 17 
 
 perpendicular, and uncovering his face, wliicli bore con- 
 siderable traces of gin and bitters, poor Tatters having, on 
 this occasion, furnished the bitters. "Hellow, I say, Mother, 
 the young gent as I'm to bring from Paddington is to be 
 boarded, and he haint to have his ivittuls with us on no 
 account" 
 
 "Nor need he," said Mrs. Bumpus, to whom fifty 
 pounds a year for the keep of a child of eight years old, 
 seemed an inexhaustible mine. " I'm sure the poor child 
 pays enough to live like a prince, and the two rooms over 
 the school-house, as has been used as lumber rooms for 
 years shall be cleaned out and put to rights for him, and 
 they'll be very comfortable when they are tidied up a bit ; 
 and I dare say Mrs. Basket will lend me a looking-glass, 
 and a chest of drawers and such like from the Manor 
 House, so as to make the rooms more as the gentlefolks 
 has them" 
 
 While she was still speaking, a man in the street began 
 bawling out at the top of his voice, in the true last dying 
 speech and confession style — 
 
 " All for one halfpenny ! the true and particklar account of 
 the last moments and liexecution of Joseph Jennings, for 
 the murder of James Netherby, with a description of the 
 culprit's deportment and behaviour at the gallows ; a 
 warning to all youths, and prentices in particklar, to avoid 
 wicious courses and hextravagant abits — all for a half- 
 penny ! only one halfpenny !" 
 
 But before the itinerant moralist could re-commence his 
 exordimn. Bob Bumpus sprang like a tiger from his lair 
 and seizing a birch broom that stood in a corner, con- 
 veniently at hand, rushed to the door with it, threatenmg 
 to sweep the crier from the face of the earth, if he did not 
 instantly vanish from that particular portion of it which 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 18 THE WORLD A^^D HIS WIFE; 
 
 formed the ^;of?ziJ de mire from " The Top Boot and 
 Horns," and then returning, apparently as much exhausted 
 as if he, single-handed, had defended another Thermopylae, 
 he again replenished his glass, and hastily drank off the 
 contents. 
 
 "La^vr, Bob," said the widow, staring at him with 
 astonishment, " you used to buy all them there murders ; 
 it's something quite new, your putting yourself in such a 
 fanteague with that poor man." 
 
 " Who said it was a murder ?" said Bob, glaring 
 savagely. 
 
 " Why, he said so ; the murder of one John Neth — " 
 
 " There, there ! Do you never have any dinner in this 
 house ?" 
 
 " Dinner ! lawr, Bob, we've dined hours ago ; it's near 
 three o'clock, but you shall have some if you like ; will 
 some eggs and a rasher do for you ?" 
 
 "Ay, ay, rasher — the rasher the better," said Bob, in 
 a husky voice, again helping himself from the black 
 bottle. 
 
 "No now, don't 'ee, pray don't," said his Mother, 
 forcibly removing the bottle. " It's enough to bm-n your 
 very inside out Bob, it really is." 
 
 " Ha ! ha 1 ha ! and 'spose it does ? Bob Bumpus is 
 insured," laughed he, pulling a worsted stocking out of his 
 pocket, apparently full of gold, and holding it to his left 
 side. " Here's the j^late, the sign of the Phoenix, too, that 
 persewering bird, as rises agin from its hown hashes." 
 
 Here Polly returned, somewhat out of breath, and 
 looking much bewildered, saying that Moses would come 
 in a minute.
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 19 
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 SHEWI^'a now tatteks became a eed-tapist, and found 
 
 THAT HIS TKICKS WERE NOTHINa COMPARED TO THOSE HE 
 MAD AN OPPOETUNITT OF ACQUIRING IN DOWNING STREET, 
 WHERE THERE ARE SUCH CLETER DOGS THAT THEY CAN 
 STAND ON THEIR HEADS AVITHOUT HATING ANY HEADS TO 
 STAND UPON, AND TURN TAIL AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. 
 
 ^Jgl^UBERT cle Vere, Earl of Por taij is, Viscount Clanhaven, 
 Lij^B and Baron Derrersley, in the peerage of the United 
 '^^ Kingdom, a Count of the Holy Roman Empire, a 
 Baronet of Nova Scotia, and a Knight of the Garter, was, 
 what in England was emphatically called, a clever man ; 
 that is, he parcelled out liis existence into two distinct and 
 separate portions of small vices, and great talents ; the latter 
 were duly burnished, gilt, and emblazoned for the public 
 service, and, unlike the apartments at Windsor, and Buck"- 
 ingham Palace, were open to the '\iiiblio and the newspapei^ 
 press all the year round; while the former were thrust 
 into a private reservoir as concerning no one but himself : 
 a wise precaution, in general use among clever men, for 
 
 Familiare eat hominibua o mnia sibi ignoscere,
 
 20 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 and no man likes to subject that which he most cherishes 
 to any severe censor. 
 
 Lord Portarjis had not speechified in both houses 
 of parliament, presidented it at public dinners, plat- 
 formed it at public meetings, and Samaritaned (?) it at 
 public charities for twenty-five years, without being one of 
 the largest manufacturers of popularity in England, and 
 was therefore well aware that it mattered not an iota how 
 ugly and mean the groundwork of this tissue was, 
 provided the tinsel applique stood well out and glittered 
 on the surface. 
 
 Had he possessed sufficient genius to be an originator, 
 which he did not, he had too much prudence ever to take 
 the initiative in any improvement, attack, or act of justice, 
 knowing perfectly well that whoever plants an amelioration 
 or a benefit for mankind, plants at the same time a 
 martyr's stake for himself ; whereas he who merely clings 
 to the branches when the innovating germ has struck its 
 roots, and spread and flomished mto a goodly tree, covers 
 himself with laurels, and becomes a gilded and marketable 
 idol, hke those manufactured at Birmingham for wholesale 
 traffic and world-wide exportation, and whatever adepts 
 the Anglo-Saxons may be at breaking laws, they are no 
 Iconoclasts, but have a sort of Chinese idolatry, for any 
 image set up, deity or demon, matters little, so long as the 
 pedestal on which, or the niche in which it has been 
 placed, is sufficiently elevated for vulgar eyes to be raised 
 to it. 
 
 Lord Portarjis, who knew his Eule Britannia by heart, 
 was so perfectly aware of this, that he had improved upon 
 Caesar's "Oportet imperatorem Mori," and even upon 
 Bishop Jewel's amendment of it, and thought that a 
 statesman (?) ought to die humbugging. As we have
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 21 
 
 before said, Hubert de Vere Lord Portarjis abounded in 
 small vices, for the greater a man's vices are, the more 
 meannesses they inculpate. It is true that as young ladies 
 change their whole wardrobe upon their marriage, profli- 
 gate men remodel their vices upon that event, but after a 
 similar fashion, as it is more an exchange for a more 
 costly and decorous outward apparelling, than a total re- 
 mmciation of their former habits: and Lord Portarjis 
 on his marriage (some ten years previous to the commence- 
 ment of this history), with the beautiful and amiable Lady 
 Honoria Fitzallan, had disencmnbered himself of his 
 maitresse en titrey by marrying her to a sporting Provin- 
 cial Solicitor, whose convenient acquaintance he had made, 
 at that emporium for good society and moral training, the 
 race-course. The Peer's mistress and the Solicitor's wife 
 had died in undue haste, some four or five years after her 
 marriage, giving rise to many dark stories, and leaving 
 four children to the care of the bereaved Solicitor, the 
 eldest of whom, the scandalous Chronicle asserted, had 
 nothing legal about him, not even in his birth. 
 
 Like most profligates, Lord Portarjis was a considerable 
 marital tyrant and martinet, and poor Lady Portarjis, 
 among her other crimes and misdemeanours, had four 
 daughters and only one son, and as Lord Clanhaven was 
 an exceedingly wild, headstrong boy, for truly — "Sarpe 
 solet similes filius esse patre," there was a hundred 
 chances to one that he never grew up ; however, all mis- 
 fortmies have their one shade of advantage, and their one 
 grain of consolation : and this deficit of heirs gave Lord 
 Portarjis a plausible excuse for forwarding his wife to Ems 
 every year, at a time when business detained him else- 
 where, but these arrangements related to his Lordship's 
 private life, with which of course nobody has any business,
 
 22 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE: 
 
 and which has nothing whatever with a man's — that is 
 with a gentleman's (?) character, the said private life being 
 in English statistics a mere myth, of which public life is 
 the only acknowledged and tangible reality, a man's 
 public character being, in fact, the brass plate and letter- 
 box on his street door, and as long as they are kept 
 bright and polished for all passers-by to see, no one 
 has any business to enquire, much less to meddle with 
 what may be passing within, and for that matter, the 
 question which Seneca had the "bad taste" to ask, and 
 the temerity to answer — 
 
 " Quare vltia sua nemo confitetur? 
 
 Quia etiani nunc in illis est. 
 
 Somnum narrare vigilantis est," * 
 
 i§ quite as applicable (if not more so) to our modem 
 Babylon as it was to his ancient Eome. 
 
 But whatever Lord Portarjis's vices might be, which in 
 our moral state of society, are always sacred mysteries 
 between a man's self and his victims, his vii^tues consisted 
 in belonging to that large flock of biped sheep, which, 
 like the quadruped fold of Panurge, always followed in the 
 safely-indented footsteps of a leader. Consequently, like 
 all persons who run no risks on the score of originality or 
 singularity, Lord Portarjis had acquired the reputation of 
 having a sound head, and being a most practical man, 
 while his diurnal punctuality in Downing Street had 
 superadded the certificate of his being " a capital man of 
 business ;" and indeed all that red tape could typify, or 
 foolscap foreshadow, Lord Portarjis was, and all the rest 
 he knew in diplomatic circles was considered bosh ! 
 
 * Namely — " Why does no man confess his vices? Because he 
 still persists in them. It is for the man who has awoke to tell his 
 dreams.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 23 
 
 Pleasiu'e never interfered witli business, or at least with its 
 syiionynie office ; so at noon the day after the Derby, his 
 lordship's dark-green ribbed Brougham, mth its silver 
 mouldings and high-stepping bays, drove" uj^ and stopped 
 as usual before the door of the Foreiojn Office. 
 
 But this time he was not the only one to enter, for from 
 beneath the carriage, his ears drooping after the willow- 
 pattern of canine despondency, his tail tucked in as if it 
 had been that of a bird of Paradise about to be smuggled 
 thi'ough the Customs, and his tongue hanging out like that 
 of the Irish Jauntleman, who in making his debut in 
 London, conceived by a similar proceeding the chimerical 
 idea of catching the English accent. Tatters now issued 
 forth, and so totally devoid was he of the convenances of 
 civiHzed society, that, not knowing a nobleman from a nine- 
 pin, he very nearly endangered the peer's equilibrium, by 
 rushing iDetween his legs as he alighted, as if they had 
 merely been a triumphal arch erected for his (Tatters's) 
 especial use. 
 
 " Bless me I where did that odd-looking dog come 
 from?" asked Lord Portarjis, clutching the footman's wrist 
 as he got out of the carriage to prevent his falling during 
 the invasion of Tatters. 
 
 " He's been in the stable with the horses all night, my" 
 Lord ; he followed the carriage all the way from Epsom 
 yesterday.-^— Come ! be off," continued the plush Hercules, 
 pantomimically flinging a visionary stone at the dog ; but 
 with the all-enduring air of a canine St. Stephen, Tatters 
 by no means either terrified or persuaded, immediately 
 converted himself into a mendicant friar, by sitting up and 
 begging with the most determined defiance of the Men- 
 dicity Society ; but footman and statesman being both 
 pauper-proof, this appeal had little effect upon either the
 
 24? THE WORLD AXD HIS WIFE ; 
 
 lord or the lackey ; the latter, indeed, only affecting to 
 aim another visionary stone at his shaggy head, whereupon 
 Tatters forthwith reported himself killed and wounded, by 
 measuring his full length in most death-like rigidity on 
 the pavement ; but this, perfect as the acting wa^, was 
 another failure, for if a real defunct Duke makes so little 
 sensation, and leaves so small a gap in the world he has 
 quitted, it is not to be supposed that a sham dead dog 
 could create a larger void or a greater stir- ; consequently 
 Lord Portarjis was about with much (iignity to step over 
 Tatters, as he had often done over far greater obstacles in 
 his path, when that versatile quadruped again sprang to 
 his feet, and tucking up his left fore and hind paw, as 
 though they were luxurious superfluities, he immediately 
 began a circular race against his own shadow on his right 
 fore and hind paw. This wonderful triumph of art over 
 nature not only elicited the smiles and wonders of " The" 
 Jeames " of the minute," and his colleague the coachman, 
 but also arrested the ' attention and admiration of the 
 statesman, who, from this ne plus ultra of art, at once 
 perceived with his quick chic du metier that there was 
 diplomacy in that dog ! 
 
 "Ton my word you're a funny fellow," laughed the 
 Peer, pausing to look at the dog's almost impossible 
 gymnastics ; at which verdict, as if to endorse it, as the 
 Americans say, Tatters forthmth made a sort of perorating 
 summersault, and having tumbled head over heels with the 
 rapid gyi-ation of a knife-grinder's wheel, he finally wound 
 up by standing -with great aplomb on his head, as a 
 coryphee does on one foot, his shaggy ragged coat fl}Tng 
 in all directions, not to be sure quite as graceftdly as the 
 Areophane draperies of the danseuse. At this Jinale Lord 
 Portarjis fairly laughed out-right, and the servants had
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 25 
 
 much ado to suppress their irreverent laughter, more 
 especially the coachman, who afterwai'ds observed to Mr. 
 Plimie, the footman — 
 
 That, " that 'ere raggamuffin of a Skye as followed them 
 yesterday was the cleverest and curusest daug as ever 
 he see !" 
 
 His master, being apparently precisely of the same 
 opinion, though differently expressed, now whistled 
 Tatters to him, and that sagacious animal, who knew that 
 the only good of making use of one's head is, that one may 
 eventually alight upon one's feet, now regained his, alid in 
 the most natural manner imaginable, like a mere ordinary 
 dog ignoring tricks and guiltless of talents, trotted over 
 to Lord Portarjis, and although an expression of earnest- 
 ness and melancholy reigned in his eyes, and overshadowed 
 his countenance, he sat up and extended his paw to the 
 peer with a degree of canine courtesy and unaffected ease, 
 which no dog in St. James's or Belgravia could have 
 excelled, had they equalled, though albeit their acquaintance 
 with vegetable rose soap and tortoiseshell combs was so 
 much more extensive than even poor Tatters was ever 
 likely to be. 
 
 "Well, sir, and what's your name ?" said Lord Portarjis, 
 taldng the proffered paw, which, considering how often he 
 had been hand-in-glove with far dirtier ones that he had 
 converted into catspaws, was not astonishing. " Eh ?" con- 
 tinued he ; " can't you tell me ? for you really look as if 
 you could speak ?" 
 
 In reply, the dog made a little low whine, trembled 
 nervously, and looked with those wondrous and luminous 
 brown eyes of his up mto the face of his new master, with 
 an enquiring lament for his old one, that seemed to say as 
 plainly as a dog's eyes could speak, '• My name ? Tatters
 
 26 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 is my name, and my heart is tatters, too. I want my old 
 ragged master ?" 
 
 "Well, poor fellow," said the Peer, thus interrogated, 
 and understanding the appeal, "I know nothing about 
 your master; you shouldn't have lost him. Pepper? 
 Mustard ? Pincher ? Vic. ? Wasp ? Dandy ? What is your 
 name ? What ! none of those, eh ?" 
 
 " I wonder what is his name ?" added lie, turning to 
 Plume the footman. 
 
 " I'm sure, my Lord, I can't think ; he don't seem to 
 answer to none of the names your lordship have called 
 him. Mop would do for his name, for he looks as if he 
 had been through a quick-set hedge, and got torn to 
 tatters." 
 
 The dog, who had sat listening, and turning his head 
 inquiringly from the master to the servant, and vice 
 versa, no sooner heard the old familiar name of Tatters, 
 than he began bounding, cabrioling, and wagging his tail ; 
 finally, burstmg into a loud bark, and jumping up upon 
 Mr. Plume, to the infinite peril of his plush, and the great 
 terror of its wearer. " Down, sirrah, •down,'' he exclaimed, 
 flipping off the contamination with the corner of his silk 
 pocket-handkerchief, in as much dismay as if the dusty 
 silhouette of the dog's paws had been the traces of 
 " Decay's effacing fingers." 
 
 "I do believe, my Lord," said he, as soon as his geraniums 
 once more glowed with their pristine brightness under the 
 silken lash he had subjected them to, "I do believe as 
 the dog's name actally is Tatters ; for he seemed to 
 answer to that immejet, as soon as ever I'd said the 
 word." 
 
 " At all events it's a very appropriate name for him," 
 laughed his lordship. '' Here ! Tatters ! Tatters !"
 
 OE, A PEESON OP CONSEQUENCE. 27 
 
 Aiid the dog's recommenced eager bomids and wagging 
 of the tail, evinced that there luas something in a name, 
 and that had he been in Paradise instead of on the pave, 
 Adam coiiki not have named him more appropriately ; and 
 so, for the second time in his life, he was christened 
 Tatters, and acknowledged as such, nem. con. 
 
 "Well, will you go back to the stables or stay with 
 me?"' 
 
 "Lord Clanhaven and their ladyships would be very 
 pleased with him, my Lord, I should think," put in Mr. 
 Plume, who had a most diplomatic eye to the main 
 chance, and therefore never omitted an opportunity of 
 making, or endeavouring to make, himself popular with 
 the rising generation ! for as he was wont pithily to 
 observe in the servants' hall between the hours of strong 
 beer and souchong, "So surely as fennel grows in the 
 nurseries of market-gardeners, as surely may a footman's 
 fortunes spring up in the nurseries of the harry stocracy, 
 if properly cultivated/' 
 
 " Better have him washed, and give him to Lady Naomi 
 and her sister. Lord Clanhaven, I fear, will worry him." 
 
 "Very well, my Lord. Here! Tatters! Tatters! here sir V 
 
 But Tatters, like all his race, preferred the master to the 
 man ; and therefore, instead of accepting this invitation, 
 decKned it in the most summary manner, by pleading a 
 prior engagement, and trotting into the Foreign Office, in 
 as express haste as if all the bags were about to be closed, 
 and he were the bearer of some packet of importance to 
 some poodle at Paris, St. Petersburg, or Vienna, which 
 would be too late. 
 
 " Well, never mind him," laughed Lord Portarjis, " you 
 can catch him when the carriage returns; — be here at 
 fom-."
 
 2S THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 At the farther end of the hall, and at the entrance of the 
 dark passage, on the left, leading to Lord Portarjis's office, 
 there stood the avant courier, Tatters, panting, with his 
 tongue out, and his eyes shining like two enormous to- 
 pazes ; he waited and watched to see which way his new 
 master went, or whether he would ascend the stairs ; but 
 soon perceiving that he came straight on towards him, 
 Tatters bounded forward, till he came to a door at the end 
 of the passage, which impeded his further progress, as if it 
 (the door) had been the House of Lords condensed into 
 one block, and he (Tatters) some bill framed in justice, 
 equity, and common sense : but, unlike any such bill, he 
 soon passed the barrier, by Lord Portarjis's coming up and 
 opening the door. 
 
 " Good morning, my Lord 1" said a young man, rising 
 from a table v/here he had been writing. 
 
 " Good morning, Vernon ; I assure you," said the Peer 
 taking off his gloves, flmging them into his hat, and then 
 laying it on the table, " you have much the best of it here 
 in what the ' Times' calls ' the cold shade ;' for the heat is 
 something over-powering." 
 
 " Capital day yesterday ; I never remember a better 
 Derby," said the Honourable Saville Vernon, resuming 
 his seat, flinging himself back in it, and inserting a finger 
 and thumb of each hand into his respective waistcoat 
 pockets ; " never saw any thing vmi more cleverly than 
 Ladybii'd did. I only wish they had hmig that rascal, 
 Jennings, on any other day, for it brought the whole scene 
 before one's eyes, — of the October meeting, — when poor 
 Netherby dropped dead from Bashibazouke five minutes 
 after he had started. I should think all the other jockeys 
 must feel deuced glad that the amiable Mr. Joseph Jen-
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 29 
 
 nings is now under instead of on the turf, and that they 
 are safe from liis juleps and stirrup-cups." 
 
 " Ah, yes, — very, no doubt, — amazingly so. I wish — that 
 is, I fear — I must trouble you, Vernon, to wiite in the other 
 room, as I have a tiresome report to make out, which re- 
 quii'es my whole attention, — and don't let me be broken in 
 upon this morning, — at least by any one but St. Heliers : 
 I must see him if he comes, — tell Melville so, will you ?" 
 
 And forthwith, Mr. Saville Vernon gathered up his slips 
 of foolscap, and departed at once, as Lord Portarjis appa- 
 rently not mshing to lose a moment's time, dipped his pen 
 into the ink. The attache, too, had a report to make out, 
 but it was not one that required the peer's supervision, 
 as it was to Lady Portarjis ; whom he thought the most 
 beautiftd woman, — and would have thought the most 
 neglected wife in London, — if pre-eminence in the latter 
 crowded category could be as easily ascertained. The re- 
 port he wished to make was of his own sleepless nights, 
 before her ladyship went out to drive ; for like all very 
 yoimg unmarried men, Saville Vernon was both indignant 
 and surprised to see so beautiful a woman so neglected. 
 But, alas ; his sympathy ! (?) as such sympathy generally 
 does, went on the homoepathic plan of like to like ; and 
 thought the best way of healing one injury, was by adding 
 another to it. Hitherto he had only employed the electric 
 telegTaph of eyes and sighs ; but, on the preceding day, at 
 the races, she had appeared more than usually sad ; and 
 upon that hint he spake, or rather determined to speak, 
 and consequently resolved that, after half-past three, the 
 Foreign Office vshould not hold hun that day. And he was 
 no sooner alone than, instead of continuing to fill up the 
 foolscap, with a fine wide space between each line (which 
 by the bye would make an excellent plan on which to build
 
 30 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 reception rooms for Her Majesty's levees and clia>dng- 
 rooms), he selected a much smaller sheet, and began in- 
 diting a catalogue raisonne of the attributes and agonies 
 of an attache, condemned to the travaux forces of Foreign 
 affairs, with the husband, when his heart yearned for the 
 Home department with the wife; and this "Manual of 
 Devotion," though not exactly " Preparation for the Altar," 
 he had made up his mind to shp into Lady Portarjis's hand 
 — co^'ubte quHl coute. 
 
 Meanwliile, no sooner had the door closed on the at- 
 tache, than the paprasse zeal of the minister aj^peared to 
 have deserted him also ; for he flung down the pen he had 
 seized so eagerly a minute before, and tore open his waist- 
 coat, as if really suffocating with heat, though that large, 
 gloomy, lofty room, was as it ever is, even in the dog- 
 days, cool and atmospherically temperate in the extreme. 
 Tatters who, upon his entrance, and upon seeing another 
 stranger, had crept under the arch-way of the office table, 
 which he justly deemed would make him quite a Palladian 
 kennel, now emerged from his retreat. Tatters, it is true, 
 had been always not only allowed, but incited, by Mr, 
 Bumpus, to wander amid the tape and blue ruin that 
 graced the tables he was in the habit of sitting in council 
 at : but Tatters, like many other clever dogs, mth all his 
 cleverness, wanted discrimination ; and not perceiving the 
 least diff'erence between public-house and public-office tape, 
 or between blue-ruin in flaggons, and blue-ruin in fools- 
 cap, — ^he now sprang nimbly up on the table, and seated 
 himself with infinite gravity, and not without a certain 
 dignity, amid Lord Portarjis's official dociunents, thus impro- 
 vise'mg a sort of tableau vivant of Voltaire's assertion, 
 that--
 
 OK, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 31 
 
 " Toujours un pen de verite 
 Se mele au plus grossier meusonge !" 
 
 '' No, no, my fine fellow ! — that will never do : down, sir!" 
 
 And, with one of those looks of mingled resignation and 
 reproach, of which dogs and wives, alone have the secret, 
 poor Tatters sprang from the table, and again retired into 
 private life lender it; thereby showing that he was of the 
 old school, and that his was the private life of the days of 
 Pitt and Fox. He had scarcely settled his nose between 
 his paws, before a knock, as if with a cane, was heard at 
 the door. 
 
 " Come in," said Lord Portarjis, again resuming his pen, 
 which in Do-\vning Street is equivalent to a soldier shoul- 
 dering his arms, — and at this permission the door opened, 
 and the tall figure, surmounted by the intelligent face of 
 Lord St. Heliers, entered. 
 
 " Hope I don't distm'b you, Portarjis ?" said he, pausing 
 at the threshold ; " but Vernon said I might come in." 
 
 "Un moment, mon cher, et je suis a vous," replied Lord 
 Portarjis, extending his left hand, while he affected to 
 write with the other, as if riveting a thought that must 
 not be let to escape ; but the next minute, laying down the 
 pen, he extended his other hand to shake that of the new 
 arrival, who seated himself in an opposite library-chair. 
 Of course, the Derby of the preceding day was the first 
 subject of conversation, as being the most important : and 
 after Lord St. Heliers had duly congratulated Lord Por- 
 tarjis on his horse, Ladybird, having won so cleverly, he 
 next expressed his satisfaction that that d — d rascal Jen- 
 nings ivas really hanged at last ! despite perjury, puffery, 
 and Brummagem philanthroijy. 
 
 " De gi'ace, mon cher ?" cried Lord Portarjis with a very
 
 32 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 rigid, not to say rusty, smile, putting up his hands as if 
 imploring for mercy ; ''for one is almost as tired of the 
 name of Jennings, as one is of the word " mismanagement," 
 which that confounded press has been ringing the changes 
 on, in every possible key, for the last eighteen months." 
 
 "Ha, ha, ha ! — well, ye^ — certainly," laughed the other; 
 "and then, as mankind are hut divided into two gi'cat 
 
 classes, to wit : those who are hanged and those who 
 
 are not." Lord St. Helier's, as naturally as possible, changed 
 the conversation from gibbets to jobbers ; and both he and 
 Lord Portarjis were decidedly of opinion, that in the con- 
 duct of the war every one, and every thing (even in the 
 ministry) had been to blame hut themselves ; and were 
 "free to confess," as there was nobody there to prevent 
 their doing so, — that nothing could be more absurd, than 
 stereotyiDing rules and regulations, when the ebb and flow 
 of human events were ever varying, so as to render all 
 fixed rules, with regard to them inefficient, — and make 
 prompt creative genius, and astute resolution, the only 
 antagonists fit to cope with them. It is true, that as they 
 dissected the incapacity of their colleagues, and repeated 
 that nothing could be more absurd than their whole con- 
 duct, a looker-on, had any such Asmodius been there, 
 might have been forcibly reminded of a story wliich Hel- 
 vetius relates as the answer of another English statesman : 
 The minister was saying to one of his coadjutors, that 
 there could be nothing more ridiculous than the manner 
 in v/hich the council of state assemble in some Negro 
 nations ; where, in the council-chamber, are placed twelve 
 large jars half-full of water. Twelve counsellors of state 
 then enter, en costume de Paradis, and stalking along 
 with great gravity, each leaps into his jar, a"nd flounders 
 in the water up to his chin ; and in this pretty attitude
 
 OB, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 33 
 
 they deliberate on the national affixirs. "You do not 
 smile ?" continued the minister, addressing himself to 
 another noble lord who sat next to him." 
 
 " Smile ! No," answered his lordship. " I see, every 
 day, things more ridiculous than that'' 
 
 " Pray, what ?" returned the minister. 
 
 '' A country," rejoined the nobleman, where the jam 
 alone sit in council." 
 
 " Ton my soul !" cried Lord Portarjis, shifting his 
 groimd as dexterously as if he had been rising to explain 
 in the House, as he turned to the table, and placed his 
 hand on a pile of letters and packets, not written on the 
 official foolscap, but being evidently " elegant extracts" 
 from " De la Rue's best cream laid." It's quite alarming, 
 the way in which all the women in England are taking- 
 Lord Lyncius' bill ati piedde la lettre, and fancying that all 
 of us, who have voted for it, as a party job, really care one 
 straw for the cause that bill affects to advocate — they are 
 such geese ! they cannot see the difference between voting 
 mth one's friend or one's party — stopping the gap of a 
 popular cry, and saddling oneself with sincerity and equity, 
 and all that sort of thing ; and I am really overwhelmed — 
 positively over-whelmed, Avith the avalanche of letters 
 every morning's post brings me from rebellious Griseldas, 
 who have the folly to take that bill for a new gospel, and 
 to suppose that each of their separate Apocalypses is of 
 the uttermost importance to its propagation ; as if any 
 one cared how the deuce they were used ; and after all, 
 confound it, a man has a right to use his o^vn -wife as he 
 pleases ; as this bill, if it is ever jobbed through Parlia- 
 ment, will plainly prove to them, by tightening their girths 
 instead of loosening them !" 
 
 "Well, I can't quite see that either," yaid Lord St; 
 
 VOL. L B
 
 34 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Heliers ; who being no profligate, and whose imafFectecl 
 piety was evidenced by the pure morality of his life and the 
 equity of his conduct in every relationship of it. " I can't 
 quite see that, either." 
 
 " On the contrary, the evil of marital tyi'anny is becom- 
 ing so crying, that I tliink policy alone should ui'ge us to 
 check it ; for ecclesiastical injustice has grown into such a 
 mountain of one-sidedness, that women have now arrived 
 at the same crisis as the primitive Christians under Nero ; 
 of whom Bellarmine said, that if they did not detlirone 
 Nero and Dioclesian, it was not because they had not a 
 right to do so, but because they were not strong enough. 
 
 " In both instances, the want of strength arose from the 
 want of unanimity ; but the early Christians made use of 
 their strength as soon as they were able — ^it would be best 
 for us not to force women into doing the same." 
 
 Were there only a few more Lord Aberdeens — candidly 
 just without clap-trap — in this cause, we might heartily 
 wish them, as we do him, the realization of his owi\ 
 motto—" FoETUNA Sequatue." * 
 
 " The devil of it is," said Lord Portarjis, with a shrug, 
 " that this being turned into conscript fathers, or rather 
 fathers confessor, by the pouring out of the gTievances of 
 these women, places one in such an awkward position, for 
 one is obliged to say something to them, and the difficulty 
 is,' to make that something nothing, that is, to make 
 it as non-compromising as possible ; for it don't do 
 for one to mix oneself up in private aftairs, and be made 
 the involuntary repository of other men's peccadillos, 
 kicldngs, bitings, monetary meannesses, and pecuniary 
 defalcations towards their wives, not only on account of the 
 
 * " Let fortune follow." — Lord Aberdeen's Motto.
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 35 
 
 Ux talionis, but because wlien one is making use either of 
 a fellow's brains, or capital, or want of principle, or dining, 
 voting, and politically coalescing with him, it would never 
 do to icommit oneself by animadverting on his private 
 conduct, which after all is nobody's affair." 
 
 " It is precisely," said Lord St. Heliers, " because no- 
 body will (at least in this coimtry) mix himself up in 
 * private affairs,' however flagrant, on account of that con- 
 ventional selfishness which they dignify with the names of 
 'prudence,' and 'propriety,' that it becomes imperative 
 that there should be some equitable tribunal for public 
 appeal imder flagrant marital outrage and oppression, 
 which now there is not, and in this century never will be ; 
 but the world-old prejudices on this subject remind one 
 of the Abbe Cartout's eloquent description of the Colossus 
 of Ser aphis, for like it, these prejudices are truly more 
 formidable than the Throne or its Monarchs, or even than 
 the Temple and its Pontiffs, for no mortal has hitherto 
 dared to approach them because, as in the case of the 
 monster idol of the Egyptians, men appear to think that 
 the duration of the world is connected with, and contin- 
 gent on them, and that whoever breaks this talisman of 
 marital injustice will replunge the earth into its original 
 chaos. In Egypt, no bounds were set to credulity re- 
 specting their colossal bugbear, about which everything 
 was an enigma, a wonder, and a mystery ; all the temples 
 gave oracles concerning it, and all the caverns and dark places 
 groaned forth horrible bowlings ; everywhere were seen 
 trembling tripods, the Pythia in a rage ; victims, priests, and 
 magicians, who, having invested themselves with the power 
 of the gods, also thought themselves the delegates of their 
 vengeance. Honour, then, to the first to aim a mighty 
 blow at our Ecclesiastical Colossus ! more especially as 
 
 D 2
 
 36 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Vangelas truly observes, there are more judges of words 
 than of ideas, and the mere name of the thing is enough 
 to endanger the equilibrium of the legislative judgment 
 upon that very narrow plank of custom by which it vjill 
 persist in crossing the gulf of time." 
 
 " Oh ! I don't at all mean to say," rejoined Lord 
 Portarjis, who had personal and political motives (the only 
 axis on which your " clever men " revolve), for conciliating 
 Lord St. Heliers, " I don't at all mean to say, that when 
 common men desert their wives, and all that sort of thmg, 
 that they, the wives, should not be allowed to earn their 
 own bread, if they can, without the husband's interfering, 
 or possessing himself, as the existing laws allow him to 
 do, of their earnings." 
 
 " Ah 1 there it is," smiled Lord St. Heliers, " the com- 
 mon people ; we are always ready enough to lop off the 
 ailing limbs, and pluck out the offending eyes, of the com- 
 mon people, but om* own more aristocratic king's evil 
 must be draped in purple and fine linen, and not even 
 alluded to : really I begin to think that piece of recondite 
 erudition in the Koran, which asserts that the world is 
 carried on the horns of a bull, may be at least true in a 
 fragmentary degree ; for it certainly seems as if the vexed 
 question of injustice to women was at all events for ever 
 wedged between the horns of a dilemma." 
 
 *' Ah ! yes ; very true," yawned Lord Portarjis, in a 
 considerable state of boredom ; for not only was he totally 
 uninterested in the question, but decidedly averse from 
 any, even nominal, amelioratory measures respecting it 
 being carried out, although he had on party principles, 
 and as a sop to that rapacious Cerberus, public oplnion, 
 voted for Lord Lyncius's job ; moreover, he was anxious 
 to change the subject, in order to broach one much nearer
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 37 
 
 his heart, that is to say, his political views and specula- 
 tions. The fact was, certain rumours had been afloat 
 that Lord Darnmany, who had favoured them with a few 
 dissolving views at St. Stephens' in the shape of a more 
 than ephemerally short-lived administration, was doing 
 the impossible to try and form another ; and as his was 
 the very Potichomanie of politics, consisting of every 
 shewy shred and patch of the most flimsy and hetero- 
 geneous materials that he could collect, to place on the 
 transparent surface of ministerial jars, in order to look 
 like anything but what they really were, and which only 
 possessed one thing in common with what they were in- 
 tended to represent, to wit, that of being hollow within. 
 An on (lit had gained ground that the patch-work Peer 
 was trying to enlist Lord St. Heliers, and the truth or 
 fiction of this report Lord Portarjis, by much beating 
 about the bush, now endeavoured to ascertain ; but having 
 totally failed in detectmg the political poison, by all the 
 colour tests of the most subtle plausibility, like Harpagon, 
 MoKere's miser, who when he suspected his valet of having 
 robbed him, and after a diligent search, not finding any- 
 thing in his j)ockets, suddenly turned round and said, 
 " Come, give me what thou hast stolen without searching." 
 So, Lord Portarjis, at length driven into the straight-for- 
 ward and point-blank by stress of failure, said with the 
 a propos air of a sudden thought, as he purposely dropped 
 and broke a stick of sealing-wax, with which he had been 
 fiddling, — 
 
 "Do you know, my dear St. Heliers, I have been 
 breaking lances for you the whole week." 
 
 " For me ! how so ? Who threw down the gauntlet, 
 and upon what challenge was it thrown down ?" 
 
 " ^\Tiy, that champion of all England, Pubhc Report, on
 
 38 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 the plea thafc you were about to desert us and join Lord 
 Darnmany ? I said No ; what say you ? Yes ? or No ?" 
 
 '' Really," sniiled Lord St. Heliers, taking his pocket- 
 handkerchief from his pocket the better to conceal the 
 smile, as he had recourse to the old mot of Lord Peter- 
 borough's, " I am not competent to give you a satisfactory 
 answer, as I have not seen the papers this morning ; but 
 one thing I can tell you, wliich is, that Violdegamba is to 
 go to Vienna." 
 
 Now this was "the unkindest cut of all," as Lord 
 Violdegamba was Lord Portaijis's Mordecai, and he 
 himself had been wishing > and expecting to be sent to 
 Vienna, but wliile the point and terce of this assaut 
 diplomatique were going on between the two Peers, a 
 much cleverer dog than either of them was from under the 
 table watching their every movement, and as Lord St, 
 Heliers took out liis handkerchief, a letter fell out of his 
 pocket noiselessly on the Turkey carpet. Train up a dog 
 in the way he should not go, and when he is old he will not 
 depart from it; and amid Mr. Bumpus's diffusion of 
 knowledge. Tatters had also learnt conveyancing, but with 
 a confusion of meum and tuum not always included in 
 that branch of learning. So, upon seeing the letter fall, 
 he had quietly emerged from his hel retiro mider the 
 table, and first harpooning it nearer to him with his paw, 
 he then took it gingerly between his teeth and returned 
 with it to his newly-acquired territory, for with the 
 penetrating sagacity of his race, he knew that, for either 
 dogs or diplomatists, "bidmg one's time" is the grand 
 secret of success ; and, as in all the long course of public- 
 houses he had been through with Mr. Bmnpus, one of the 
 chief rudiments of his education had been never to deliver 
 up any stray waifs he might have acquired (either by fair
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 39 
 
 or questionable means) to his master, till the coast was 
 quite clear, and both Tatters and Bob were " alone in their 
 loveliness," he certainly was not such a hrouillon as to 
 depart from so prudent a rule, upon finding himself 
 transferred to a public office. 
 
 "Well," resumed Lord St. Heliers, too well-bred to 
 dwell upon a subject that was evidently not agreeable to 
 his companion, and putting on one glove as he rose prepa- 
 tory to his departure. " We at all events have passed 
 Lyncius's Bill through the Upper House, and all things 
 considered, one cannot help smiling at the quarter from 
 whence the impediment arises in the Commons, as there is 
 a sort of retrospective doing as one would be done by in 
 it, which, however, has more numberoneativeness than 
 Christianity about it." 
 
 •' Ah ! yes, clearly," shrugged Lord Portarjis, who knew 
 from long practical experience, no one better, that through- 
 out England, both in private soi-disant friendship and 
 public nominal justice ; apathy, dawdling, selfishness, and 
 Mammon-worship are the rocks upon which all interests, 
 whether spiritual or temporal, vital or otherwise, split ; and 
 that the smallest possible globule of deeds, in either case, 
 invariably goes to some thousand bushels of words, and 
 the victims of these verbal panaceas, whether oppressed 
 classes, or outraged individuals, are always voted most 
 impracticable and imgratefal, when, instead of being 
 miraculously and cheaply healed by this syllabic system, 
 they complam of its acting upon their original wounds as 
 a blistering ointment, or irritant. 
 
 '■ Ah ! yes, clearly," said Lord Portarjis, "and I, myself, 
 tiiink it is a very clever dodge of our friends, that the 
 whole afiair will blow over by next session, or be thrust 
 out by some fi^esh cry through the country, and so matters
 
 40 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 will remain just as they are ; or, if it passes, be made 
 worse by being left to the fiat of particular individuals 
 who can always be managedr 
 
 " It will be a deuce of a shame if they do," said Lord 
 St. Heliers, who, having no private views to protect, had 
 the plebeian paucity of intellect to be sincere in his code 
 political, and to wish justice not only for all classes, but 
 actually for hoth sexes ! 
 
 " Well, 'pon my soul, I don't know," smiled his com- 
 panion. "'This Kevolt of the Harem' throughout the 
 country, for I can call it nothing else, has nearly en- 
 dangered the gravitation of the world with the catalogue 
 of female grievances it has brought to light." 
 
 "Very likely," rejoined Lord St. Heliers gravely, as he 
 put on his other glove. 
 
 . " Longa mora est, quantum noxfe sit ubique 
 repertum enumerare ; 
 Minor fuit ipsa infamia vero." 
 
 " By Jove, then, my dear St. Heliers," said Lord Por- 
 tarjis with a forced laugh, as he extended two fingers to 
 his departing visitor, "you actually threaten us with 
 another deluge of conjugal dilemmas ?" 
 
 "Perhaps," said the former, as he closed the door, 
 " ' Malo accepto stultus sajnt' you know, and after sufier- 
 ing such cruel evils since the commencement of the world, 
 those hereditary fool^. — women, are beginning to learn fi'om 
 that most capable of all teachers — Expeeience." 
 
 As the door closed, Lord Portarjis tossed his head, pro- 
 truded his under lip, and as if to give a practical dissent 
 to this assertion, recommenced wiiting, but it was not on 
 the elongated official foolscap, l^ut on a jDage of more 
 lilliputian dimensions, which our spirituels and always 
 aproipos Gallic neighbours denominate '' jioulet,'' from
 
 OE, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 41 
 
 such sized paper being more] especially used for hillets- 
 
 doux ; the one in question had nothing official, save its 
 
 date of 
 
 F. 0. 8 P.M. 
 
 as it began, 
 
 " Tante Cara, Bellissima, e gentilezza Signora, " 
 
 How it proceeded, it is not for us to say, without follow- 
 ing the writer's bad example of prying into other persons 
 letters ; moreover, he had only written so far in 
 
 " That soft hastard latin," 
 when Tatters emerged from under the table with the 
 letter that had dropped from Lord St. Helier's pocket in 
 his mouth, and placing both liis fore paws gently upon 
 Lord Portarjis's knee, presented it to him, with that inten- 
 sity of brownness and solemn sagacity in his eyes, which 
 only Skye-terriers, poodles, owls, and Lord Chancellors ever 
 achieve. 
 
 " Well, sir, what do you want ? So ho ! I see you have 
 turned postman," saidTatters's new master, attending to the 
 earnest appeal of his brown eyes, and the gentle, and as it 
 were, solenm wagging of his tail, as he took the letter thus 
 presented to him, adding as he looked at the superscription — 
 " Hey day ! you should have learnt to read before you got 
 into the post-office, for you have brought this letter to the 
 wrong address." 
 
 But Tatters, who had seated himself beside his lordship's 
 chair, continued earnestly looking up in his face with a 
 little low, neiTous, interrogatory wliine, as if fully expecting 
 the usual remuneration of his felonious proceedings, in a 
 piece of bread, and approving pat on the head, or a pulled 
 ear, as he shifted the weight of his person from one paw 
 to another: but, finding like many others who dance
 
 42 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 attendance upon great men, in public offices, that he was only 
 likely to reap his pains for his gains, he at length, with a 
 sigh of mingled resignation and regTet, and other mute 
 passages of canine facundla, though not of that particular 
 sort specified by Quintilian, as he growled at no one, poor 
 Tatters once more retired into private life by stretching 
 himself on the carpet, and placing his two fore paws like 
 bulwarks along either side of his nose. 
 
 Lord Portarjis having seen that the letter was addressed 
 to Lord St. Heliers, and therefore must have dropped from 
 his pocket, was about to put it into an envelope and re- 
 direct it to him, when his attention was attracted by the 
 hand-writing, which was neither that of a lady nor a gen- 
 tleman, and yet, withal appeared familiar to him. He next 
 scrutinized the seal, which was one of those vulgar adhesive 
 envelopes that common people think such a satisfactory 
 substitute for sealing-wax, while in reality they are only 
 an aggTavation upon wafers, from being equally nasty and 
 unsafe with far more pretension, which, like all pretension, 
 only adds to their vulgarity, as if by an involuntary im- 
 pulse, the Peer half abstracted the letter from the cover, 
 and then paused, having the grace, though alone, to be 
 ashamed of such an act — but — but — it is astonishing how 
 degeneration in the moral and physical world keeps pace ; 
 and this reminds us of a story, which has the wondrous 
 merit of being both new and original, as it only happened 
 to a friend of ours some few months ago : complaining to 
 a stationer of the daily increasing degeneration of quill 
 pens, and asking if he could in any way account for the 
 inconvenient fact? that worthy, while magnetising his 
 chin with his finger and thumb, replied in measured and 
 cogitative accents, and with a nasal twang, that would have 
 sounded indigenous in Broadway or at Saratoga —
 
 OK, A PEKSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 43 
 
 " Well, ma'am ; I think it must be, that since there has 
 been such a demand for gold and steel pens, and that con- 
 sequently quills have not been so much used, the geese 
 have left oft' having such good pinions !'' 
 
 And coeterus paribus, we fear that, since there has of 
 late years been ' such a demand ' for peers, nature has left 
 off* making as good gentlemen as she used to do. Be this 
 as it may, it is certain, that Lord Portarjis again looked 
 at the superscription of the letter, again half withdrew it 
 from the envelope, and again paused on the threshold 
 of so dishonom^able an act, indulging, however, this time in 
 the following brief soliloquy : — 
 
 " No, it can't be, either ; I should think, all common 
 people write alike." 
 
 And then once more he turned the cover, and half took 
 out the letter; and, like all persons who coquette with 
 temptation, ended by yielding to it, so that in another 
 moment he began to read this epistle, which was directed 
 to Lord St. Heliers; but previous to doing so, looked (as 
 guilt ever does, even when alone) nervously and furtively 
 around, and felt considerably relieved at finding that the 
 only eyes in the room beside his own, those of the itinerant 
 Mephistophiles, who had placed this snare in his way, were 
 not fixed upon him but were closed, in pursuit of those 
 desultory day-dreams, to which dogs and poets are so much 
 addicted. Thus re-assured — he eagerly ran his eye over 
 the contents of the ill-written scrawl. Before doing so, 
 he had determined to re-enclose it (after having read it) 
 to its legitimate owner, but seemingly the revelations it 
 made were so utterly disagreeable, that biting his lips, 
 knitting his brows, and clenching and tremulously shaking 
 his right hand, as though he had held some springed 
 victim within it, he suddenly changed his mind, and with
 
 44 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 a sort of spasmodic grasp, not however imaccompanied by 
 a sardonic sneer, crumpled up the offending document, and 
 holding it to the flame of the ever-lighted taper, soon 
 reduced it to ashes. 
 
 "That's all one gets by this confounded educational 
 movement — teaching such peoj^le to write," muttered the 
 Peer, as he watched the firmament of rapidly expiring 
 sparks meandering through the blackening fragments of 
 the consuming letter, as they blew in flimsy nothings off 
 the hob, and up the chimney; and having seen the last 
 particle vanish, he flung himself back in the luxuriously- 
 stuffed library-chair, and appeared for some seconds lost in 
 a reverie, which his tightly-folded arms seemed as it were 
 to gird round him, but from which he was aroused 
 by a knock at his door — it was one of the official 
 satellites. 
 
 " Beg yer ludship's pardon, but Lord St. Helier's com- 
 pliments, and vnshes to know if he dropped a letter here 
 just now, as it contains the address of some poor person, 
 which address his ludship has forgotten. 
 
 " Tant mieuxl' thought Lord Portarjis ;'' but all he said 
 was, with considerable alacrity, " Dear me, look every- 
 where for it ; " adding, as he backed his chair to join in 
 the search, "I did not see him take out any letter 
 when he was here just now. Who has he sent for it V 
 
 " His Lordship is in the carriage at the door himself, my 
 lord." 
 
 " Oh ! — then his own servant had better come in, and 
 help you to look for it." 
 
 And accordingly, a semi-giant in daffadowndilly- 
 coloured plush unmentionables, and a chocolate coat, 
 to which his well-powdered hair gave the ai^pearance of 
 some huge jour de Fan caprice in chocolate, soon made
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 46 
 
 his appearance, hat in hand, and immediately joined in the 
 himt, which, like that after happiness, of com-se proved 
 fruitless, though Lord Portaijis, not only loosened with his 
 c^vn hands, the Venus's Cestus of red tape, which lent 
 a mysterious charm to so many sheafs of folded foolscap, 
 but, in the most inquiring spirit, and with the most 
 complacent courtesy, made over for analytical scrutiny, 
 the contents of two waste-paper baskets, those indispen- 
 sable official results of so much wasted time ; and while 
 ransackmg one of these, a serious accident had like to 
 have befallen Mr. Delpops, Lord St. Helier's footman ; 
 for upon his condescendingly consenting to find his 
 level in his master's service, and going upon all-fours 
 mider the arch of the large office-table in this pursuit 
 of letters imder difficulties. 
 
 Tatters, albeit unused to any but the very common- 
 est, and most ordinary occurrences of animal life, now 
 seeing his peculiar province of the Netherlands invaded 
 by a huge party-coloured animal, with a large round 
 white head, and a face, from the centre of which pro- 
 truded a large excresence, like " a red, red 7iose ! newly 
 sprung in June," made straight for the aforesaid red 
 target, with one deep-determined war-like growl, and 
 would inevitably have seized it between his teeth, had 
 not the agitation of Mr. Delpops, under these critical 
 circumstances, at that moment like Jove on Olympus, 
 shaken such a cloud from his ambrosial locks, that 
 Tatters, almost blinded, retreated more hastily than he 
 had advanced, sniffing, and snarling, and rubbing his eyes, 
 almost to madness, with his own paws. 
 
 Though it is only due to him to say, in exculpation 
 of any appearance of cowardice, this proceeding may 
 have had on the part of so generally courageous a dog, that
 
 46 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 this w^s the first time lie had smelt powder; but still, 
 for so clever a dog, he had certainly been guilty of an 
 oversight, for he ought to have known (by intuition), 
 that in that stronghold of diplomacy, he would have 
 been sure to have had dust thrown in his eyes, when 
 he was guilty of the folly of making a straightforward 
 charge. 
 
 Meanwhile, Mr. Delpops, who had on his side re- 
 treated simultaneously with Tatters, was very nearly 
 having had his retreat cut off, in a manner as un- 
 pleasant as it was unexpected; for it so happened that 
 the Honourable Saville Vernon, having a night or two 
 before attended the Speaker's levee, he had dressed for 
 the part at the Foreign Office, and very carelessly left 
 on a chair his steel sword, with its steel basket-hilt, 
 he having disencumbered liimself of it, and his valet 
 not being there at the time, it had been left for three 
 whole days in its present awkward situation. 
 
 Now, from this basket-hilt, protruded a steel-chain with 
 a hook at the end of it, which, in its proper vocation, 
 served to attach the sword to the dress, and still true 
 to its mission (though deviating in its com'se), just as 
 Mr. Delpops was backing out from under the table, he 
 was taken with a hook, or rather with the hook, which 
 instantly attached the sword to a part of his dress, 
 from which those weapons are not in the ordmary course 
 of things suspended, though amid the numerous indig- 
 nities that occurred during international hostilities, simi- 
 lar contacts may occasionally be seen at the seat of war. 
 Now, Mr. Delpops had of course, like all the peaceful heroes 
 of his order, fought over every inch of Affganistan from a 
 Windsor. chair'in "The Chequers" at Westminster, or from 
 an oaken bench at " The Feathers" in King Street ; and
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 47 
 
 had also seen the slaughter at Mooltan at Astley's ; but 
 now he very imexpecteclly felt that he was engaged in 
 single combat himself, and whatever the flush of victory 
 may be, he did not at all lilve this first ^j/ws/^ of war, and in 
 his strenuous efforts to rebut it, fairly whisked the court- 
 sword out of the chair, so that upon regaining his per- 
 pendicular, and resolutely flinging himself back, in order 
 to disencumber himself of his clanking appendage, he 
 found himself miraculously supported by a long prop, as 
 an unfinished colossal statue is in a studio, at which 
 animated struggle between Nature and Art, Lord Portar- 
 jis, undignified as such a proceeding was, could not help 
 laughing immoderately ; still the before-mentioned official 
 satellite came to the rescue, Mr. Delpops the while not only 
 torn with conflicting hooks, but with conflicting emotions, 
 as he kept apologizing with many bows that such 
 
 "A ridiclus haccident should ave hoccurred hin his 
 ludsliip's presence." 
 
 " Not at all, not at all ; hope you are not hurt T 
 condescendingly inquired Lord Portarjis, holding his 
 handkerchief before his mouth to conceal his laughter. 
 
 " Honly to think that I should have hunintentionally 
 made so free with your ludship's court sword," bowed the 
 dilapidated and distressed Delpops. 
 
 " Quite the contrary," re-laughed his lordship, " it's the 
 sword I think that has made fi^ee with you ; but it's not 
 my sword," and again the Peer chuckled as he thought 
 how he could introduce Mr. Delpop's misadventure that 
 day at dinner, as " The People's Edition of Hook's Sayings 
 and Doings ;" and then, after a few minutes' my/re hunting 
 for what he knew could not be found, he despatched the 
 rival Tatters to Lord St. Heliers, saying he had not 
 dropped the missing letter there ; while Mr. Delpops,
 
 48 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 profiting by the sliaq) lesson he had received from the 
 court-sword, backed out of the room as if it had been out 
 of the presence, though only in reality to conceal " the 
 rent the envious " hook " had made ;" and so the curtain 
 fell upon this farce, veiily a far more harmless one than 
 those generally enacted in Do^vning Street. 
 
 But scarcely had Lord Portarjis recovered from his 
 laughter before the door again was assailed by another 
 knock, which having been responded to by a " Come in," 
 a tall, thin, thoughtful, thoroughly respectable-looking 
 man, with straight, pale, well-cut features, dark eyes, and 
 partially grey hair, entered with some papers in his hand, 
 upon which the inTj was not yet dry. The black clothes 
 of the new comer were scrupulously clean and well 
 brushed, though not over new, and his linen was dazzlingiy 
 white, yet was there a languid drooping of the shirt- 
 collar over his black neck-kerchief, as if it also felt 
 sympathetically overworked, for the wearer was Mark 
 Melville, Lord Portarjis's private secretary. Mahomet 
 shut himself up in a cavern to enjoy the credulous adora- 
 tion of his fellow men, but now-a-days in England we are 
 wiser in our generation, and our literary and legislative 
 Mahomets, have generally deputies to do the cavern seques- 
 tration while they strut abroad in the sunshine, reaping the 
 plaudits for, and golden opinions of, the wondrous web 
 woven in the dark, imsuspected nook ; for brain-machinery, 
 like every other machinery, being ignored by the mass in 
 its details, gets little or no credit for its indefatigable 
 achievements, while the plausible and pushing retailer 
 reaps all the profit and pleasure that accrue from 
 them. 
 
 Now for fifteen years, Mark Melville had been Lord 
 Portaijis's brain-machine — for a showy speech, damas*
 
 OE, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 49 
 
 cined with classical clap-trap quotations, or any of the 
 pyrotechnic humbug of legislation, the noble Earl wanted 
 no assistance ; but, when some flagrant blunder was to be 
 exjolaified, that is, got over, and proved to be not only an 
 act of unavoidable expediency, but of astute policy, or 
 some local measure to be brought forward or opposed; for 
 the subtle logic and overwhelming legion of authoritative 
 precedents that victoriously defended the former, or for 
 the carefidly collected and well-digested statistics, and pro- 
 found and curiously analyzed detail, brought to bear upon 
 the latter, it was Mark — not Aurele, but Melville, qui 
 parlait ce ■n'etait pas lui ; and for fifteen years so it had 
 been ; and though promotion flew above and around him 
 in the shape of comfortable Commissionershijos of Bank- 
 ruptcy, or Excise, it, or they, never once reached the pale, 
 painstaking, indefatigable man, seated almost like a part 
 of it, at that heavy library-table, in that gloomy Foreign 
 Office room ; in truth, what Moliere modestly felt for 
 himself when he rejected Boileau's offers on the part of 
 the French Academy, saying, " I may be a tolerable 
 author, but might make a very bad secretary. Let us be 
 careful of displacing ourselves." 
 
 Lord Portarjis considerately felt for his protege; he 
 knew him to be an admirable secretary, and something 
 more, and was therefore careful of displacing him ; and so 
 all that poor Melville had gained in these fifteen years, 
 was his own father's house in Upper Seymour Street, a 
 large family, and a kind of moth-eaten look, from his 
 increasing grey hair ; and though it is true that his wife 
 was so ungrateful, as she sat stitching away at the gala- 
 frocks in which her children were to have the honour of 
 occasionally passing the day v/ith the ladies De Vere and 
 
 VOL. I. «
 
 50 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 their brother, to murmur regrets that Lord Portarjis did 
 not do something better for Mark, than giving his chil- 
 dren an op23ortunity of getting their clothes torn, and 
 their faces scratched by that very rude boy, Lord Clan- 
 haven. Yet Mark himself was so far from participating 
 in these repinings, that often as he unfurled " The Times" 
 at his eight o'clock breakfast, while he held his cup in 
 abeyance, a smile of conscious but modest satisfaction 
 might be seen dawning faintly round his mouth as he 
 read the " hear, hears," and the subsequent panegyric of 
 the Thunderer on his own compositions, as retailed by 
 Lord Portarjis. 
 
 The meal ended, he arose, put on his gloves and his 
 scrupulously well-brushed but somewhat napless hat, to 
 proceed on his diurnal walk to Downing Street ; and if 
 Mrs. Melville proffered her usual stirrup-cup of "Well 
 Mark, it is a shame that you should have all the work, 
 and Lord Portarjis all the credit of yom- talents, without 
 ever giving you an opportunity of exercising them on your 
 own account." Imprinting a parting kiss upon her cheek, 
 he would say mildly : — 
 
 " Nonsense, Mary. I'm sure he's very land to us, and 
 you know Hubert is his godson ; and I have no doubt 
 when the boy grows up, he'll do something for him ;" for 
 which profession of faith, Mary had a stereotyped toss of 
 her head, which did not, however, prevent Mark from pur- 
 suing the even tenor of his way ; and, on arriving in 
 Downing Street, placidly selecting one, from a quiver of 
 quills, and spreading out the as yet spotless foolscap before 
 him. The Abbe de Longuereu used to say, of all the 
 works of St. Augustine, "he only remembered that the 
 Trojan horse was a military machine. So poor Melville
 
 OK, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 51 
 
 of all his own works, only remembered that he was a 
 diplomatic machine ; and, as his patron's memory ran quite 
 in a parallel direction, the manner in which on the present 
 occasion he said " Ah ! good morning, Melville !" really 
 was particularly gracious.
 
 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 f onbon ill Skmoniis. 
 
 QUANTUM est in rebus inane I" and though this 
 /J emptiness or inanity of human affairs applies 
 more especially to politics and political parties, 
 yet evening parties, from Piccadilly to Penton- 
 ville, have at least an equal claim to it, and so they must 
 contiaue to do, as long as society pursues its present con- 
 ventional course of eschewing all earnestness and sincerity, 
 in everything but vice, and giving to virtue and to right, 
 nothing but apathy and drawling procrastination, deeming 
 all who deviate from, or object to this tariff of well-bred 
 stagnation, vulgar and mauvais ton. The great Jugger- 
 naut of our Anglo-Saxon social system is public life, 
 for which, and to which, everyone and everything is sacri- 
 ficed, from human feeling up to human probity. Por the 
 altar of public humbug must be served, and is insatiable 
 in the Holocausts it requires, and the solemn shams it
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 53 
 
 exacts. The innocent and uninitiated are some time before 
 they discover this, and consequently imbibing their modicum 
 of patriotism and philanthropy through the carefully- 
 filtered colmnns of a newspaper, their verdant hearts and 
 eyes dilate, when " a noble lord " in the Upper House 
 thrills with his eloquence the very arras of St. Stephens, 
 in appealing against the barbarically iniquitous laws now 
 in existence for the oppression of women. Or, when an 
 " honourable member " in the Commons himself becomes 
 nearly black in the face in inveighing against the in- 
 human traffic in sable himianity carried on in America. 
 But, on the strength of the former, let some morally and 
 physically lacerated wife send a statement of her indi- 
 vidual wi'ongs to the chivalric Peer who has so ably and 
 eloquently endeavoured to legislate for her sex (as she, 
 poor fool, thinks), and not only will no human feeling, nor 
 even common courtesy be shown to her, but ten to one she 
 and her statement are in the most treacherous and dis- 
 honourable manner betrayed to her legal oppressor. 
 Which apparently incredible and unquestionably dis- 
 gTaceful fact arises from two causes, both contingent on 
 the exigencies of political life, which the silly appellant 
 ignored. In the first place, the seemingly enlightened 
 and Catholic measure brought forward in the legislatm-e 
 to redress (as she and they, silly creatures, thought) a 
 whole sex, was in reality a mere private and personal job, 
 got up to play the game and gratify the vanity of the 
 Messalina of some other noble lord. And the |)re-con- 
 certed juggle which had not one grain of sincerity in it 
 was agreed to be passed through the Lords, and spoked in 
 the Commons, and moreover the noble lord who brought 
 in the nominal amelioration-bill must, of course, think 
 of his party, and screen and play into the hands of the
 
 54 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 members of that party, however vicious, crooked, or 
 scandalous their private lives may be. And consequently, 
 though even Lords and Commons may be unanimous in 
 acknowledging that " Sir Bluebeard Lyeandspye is a con- 
 founded blackguard," yet, as a most useful and unscrupu- 
 lous doer of dirty work for the party, he must be supported 
 by the party. So much chance of human sympathy, let 
 alone justice, the legal victim of such a man has, at the 
 hands of even the most silver-tongued and golden-sen- 
 timented legislator. 
 
 On the other hand, let some equally honest, ignorant, 
 and credulous John Bull be wiithing under a flagrant 
 piece of injustice from the honourable Anacharsis Howard 
 Brotherlylove Scaremwell, the rich American planter, as 
 practised upon the brother of a black servant of his own, 
 and fly, with this strong case in point, to Mr. Nimble- 
 tongue Niggerwhite, the eloquent and energetic denouncer 
 of negro-slavery in " The House," and he will be much 
 surprised to find that, either from being a personal friend 
 of the honourable Anacharsis Howard Brotherlylove 
 Scaremwell, or from some unsettled hocus-pocus still 
 pending about the " Bulwer Clayton " swindle, or because 
 a rich female cousin of the honourable Anacharsis is about 
 to bestow herself and her dollars on a poor relation of Mr. 
 Niggerwhite' s, or for some other equally cogent reason 
 " still unexplained," that gentleman " cannot possibly in- 
 terfere in private affairs,'' for by that all-comprehending 
 and all-negativing term is the imi enetrable ^gis called, 
 behind which, English apathy, selfishness, truckling, and 
 injustice, shelter themselves from the odium that calling 
 things by their right names would entail, or the personal 
 risk or inconvenience, pursuing the right and straight 
 path might incur.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 55 
 
 Private affairs ! that great social Alpha and Omega, 
 that unsolveable enigma of our conventionality, npon 
 which that true Sphinx, Injustice, may insure her life, 
 and go on quietly devouring her victims, for where is the 
 CEdipus that shall dare to resolve you into your first 
 principles, as Death resolves man into his original dust ? 
 And yet, what on earth are these sacred and untangible 
 Private Affairs but the foundation of public affairs ? 
 " My Lord, with all due deference, why that little arrange- 
 ment by which a certain crim. con. was hushed up, by a 
 friend pajdng the damages, and thus securing a peerage for 
 liimsehf as well as to you, was once upon a time a strictly 
 private affair, though it may now be proclaimed upon the 
 house-tops, for what can you expect of a cat but its skin ? 
 Oh I ah ! yes, very true ; but Miniver^ you know, is 
 different; pardon me, madam, even if your name is 
 Danaus, and you should have fifty daughters to marry, it 
 is only a distmction without a difference. And what, 
 pray, is every job hatched by the legislative incubators in 
 Do^vning Street, at the Treasury, the Horse Guards, in 
 " The Editor's Koom," or my Lady Protocol's Saloons, but 
 strictly private affairs ? till they are exposed and made 
 public ; which, if we had a little more conscience, and a 
 little less conventionality, a little more of the thing called 
 honesty, and a vast deal less of the name called Honour ! (??) 
 and a decimal coinage of patronage, would be made public 
 at a much more railway-speed than they at present are. 
 And now, though albeit no admirer of Laurence Sterne, 
 nor of any other sentimental vaurien, we will conclude 
 these reflections mth a quotation from the original 
 "Tristram Shandy," and assure you, my dear reader, 
 that as long as we are nationally agreed in Eng- 
 land that the impervious and betinselled mantle of
 
 56 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 public] humbug, shall, ought, and must cover every 
 and any amount of private vice and deformity, we 
 shall, in the words of Eugenius, have to continue "to 
 ^Wnd u]) the last scene of the tragedy with CRUELTY and 
 COWARDICE, twin ruffians — hired and set on, by malice in 
 the dark, who shall strike together at all thy infirmities 
 and mistakes. The best of us, my dear lad, lie open there ; 
 and trust me, trust me, Yorick, when to gratify a private 
 appetite, it is once resolved upon, that an innocent and 
 helpless creature, shall be sacrificed, it is an easy 
 matter to pick up sticks enow from any thicket where it 
 has strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with." 
 
 Cela pos6 — let us follow Monsieur Antonine Nevers de 
 Bussy, and the Honourable Saville Vernon (who had just 
 alighted at Lord Portarjis's house in Piccadilly Terrace), 
 up the exotic breathing staircase, as Lady Portarjis had a 
 reception, and watch London in diamonds, collecting its 
 little bundles of sticks, ready to sacrifice any plethoric 
 reputation which has not a sufficient sense of expediency, 
 like the hunted beaver in the fable, to divest itself of the 
 only part the hunters care for, and fling it to them, which 
 in the human animal is its character. 
 
 And be they male or female, who voluntarily abandon 
 all pretension to that encumbrance, they will Idc sure to 
 pass, not only unmolested through the devious thickets of 
 our " morar (?) society, but to accumulate, chemin faisant^ 
 troops of partizans, coadjutors, and admirers. 
 
 Por we are too generous and courageous a people to 
 attack the lost and the fallen ; it is only the Gibraltar of 
 virtue, or rectitude, that we assail. 
 
 And who knows but that all this may be a kind, though 
 oblique way, that society has of acquainting its rival armies 
 of votaries and victims ; that to attempt to get on in
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 57 
 
 England, either politically or socially, ivithout a party, or 
 a cliqiie, is indeed to attempt to fisli in the air, or to 
 hunt in the sea, or to indulge the insane chimera, that 
 right is stronger than might. 
 
 " How you do, mon cher ?" said the French attach^, 
 laying two fingers gently on the English one's shoulder, as 
 the latter with his head down, arranging the opal buttons 
 of his waistcoat, was about to ascend the stairs. 
 
 " Ah ! c'est vous, beau sire," smiled Mr. Saville Vernon, 
 extending his whole hand with immense cordiality to 
 Bussy ; for the truth was, the pair fully exemplified the 
 affection proverbially attributed to two of a trade. 
 
 And being rivals in most things, save languages, in 
 which Saville Vernon had indisputably the advantage ; 
 they mutually feared, and consequently disliked each 
 other — and, as the diplomatic wwnatural result of so doing, 
 could not live out of each other's society, which passed for 
 a most romantic friendship in the world. 
 
 Vernon was decidedly handsome ; but in the true, stag- 
 nant, Anglo-Saxon style ; by no means underiSitmg the 
 attribute, but thinking that conquests and every other 
 succes de societe, must, as a matter of course, come to 
 him. 
 
 And, therefore, there was no earthly use in his endan- 
 gering the set of his hair — or worse still, of his collar, in 
 running after them. 
 
 And so, when he came forth, — like Waller's Sacharissa, 
 he merely " suffered himself to be admired." 
 
 And as long as British females are what they are, he 
 could not possibly reckon without his host — of ladies, 
 young, old, and middle-aged — making all possible 
 advances to him. The Frenchman, on the other hand, 
 though he had in reality quite as high an estimate of his
 
 o8 THE WORLD AMD HIS WIFE ; 
 
 own attractions, and as sincere an admiration for them, 
 yet, from an hereditary way they have in France of always 
 treating every woman with the respect due to a queen, 
 and the devotion awarded to a goddess, he made a point 
 of presentmg arms, that is, of lowering his own Narcissian 
 oriflamme to any of the other sex. Au reste, with regard to 
 his general character, he was both nationally and naturally 
 much more mercurial, as like his red-bearded ancestor, 
 " Le Seignieur d'Amboise ;" he also was a " beau cher- 
 cheur de noise," and therefore, when unrestrained by the 
 regal presence of the gentler sex, at petits diners or sourer s 
 de gargon, he would give way to animal spirits so per- 
 fectly g3nnnastic, that merely witnessing them was quite 
 sufficient to make the more amadou temperament of 
 Vernon feel languid and fatigued. 
 
 " Oh ! by the bye, Bussy, will you dine with me on 
 Thursday next ?" said the more quiescent dandy, pulling 
 up at the first landing, just as the groom of the chambers 
 was about to boom their names through the densely 
 crowded rooms. 
 
 " How manys V asked the other, fiatically, as he twirled 
 his moustache, in a state of suspended deliberation. 
 
 " Only seven if you come, my dear AiDicius," smiled 
 the Amphitryon. 
 
 " Bon ; septam convivium, novem convicum."* Je suis 
 des votres, mon cher LucuUus," responded the gastronome, 
 with a pendant twirl of his other moustache, " mais je 
 vous avoue, dat I trembles at 9es diners de garcon en 
 Angleterre, except ven dey are gives at ze clobes, for you 
 have salles a manger no biggers zen glove-boxes, and zo, 
 
 * " Seven is a banquet, nine a brawl," a favourite maxim 
 with the Eoman epicures.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 59 
 
 vous autres Anglais, savent tres bien avaler, voiis ne savez 
 pas manger." 
 
 " Eh pourtant ! mon cher, il y'a des clioses que nous ne 
 saurions avaler ; et Qependant que nous font manger k ceux 
 qui nous les offrent." 
 
 " Les quelles, je vous prie ?" 
 
 " Why, when we make people eat their words." 
 
 " Eats dere vordes ? diantre ! if dey is de English 
 vordes dey most be as coriace as dere meats, — bien !" cried 
 Bussy, suddenly nudging his companion as they entered 
 the first ante-room, to call his attention to a skeleton 
 studded with diamonds, in the person of the dowager 
 Lady Agincourt, the palsied motion of whose head, as she 
 macadamized a Moral Essay to Lady Pumperville, caused 
 the three rows of splendid brilliants, intersected with pear- 
 shaped pearls, on her neck, to bob about as if they were 
 playing leap-frog with her collar-bones. 
 
 " Hein de grace regardez la vielle Agincourt avec ses 
 minauderies surannees, et ses rivieres de diamans qui se 
 promenent par sauts et par bonds, en trebuchants k 
 chaque instant, contre les protuberances escarpes de son 
 effrayant decoUetage d'honneur, c'est impayable, elle, et la 
 Pimiperville, qui rachete en morale prechee les d^vergon- 
 dages de leur jeunesse, qui du reste ont ^t^ assez leste- 
 ment trouss^es." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " gently cachinnated Vernon. " Voila 
 pourquoi elles finissent en capucinades." 
 
 " En effet," responded Bussy, with another twirl of his 
 moustache, c'est presque toujours lebr^viaire des anciennes 
 pecheresses, elles n'y manquent non plus, que mars en 
 careme." 
 
 The subject of Lady Agincourt's homily to her friend, 
 Lady Pumperville, was a regret at the romantic and sen-
 
 60 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 timental turn of Lady Portaijis's mind, for that sort of 
 women, when they were unhapi^y in their menage, were so 
 apt to ruin themselves with some silly, serious attachment, 
 as from not being able to control, or rather to conceal 
 their feelings, they never knew how to manage little 
 affairs of that kind, and then esclandres were not only so 
 vulgar, but were positively the detective police of civilized 
 society ! not stopping at the culprit actually denounced, 
 but stirring up and dragging to light a thousand other 
 extraneous matters. 
 
 "Ah, very true, my dear Lady Agincourt," sighed Lady 
 Pumperville ; " exactly what I used to tell poor dear silly 
 Lady Nelborough, who might have gone on till now, had 
 she only taken my advice, instead of going off and making 
 one of those epoch scandals, which become historical in 
 society, and are therefore past either negativing or varnish- 
 ing, really of the two, prononcees feelings are even worse 
 and more mauvais ton, than prononcees manners ; look 
 now, on the other hand, how beautifully dear Lady 
 Templeton always managed, even during Lord Coverdale's 
 lifetime ; every one knew of her affair, not only -vvith Lord 
 Templeton, but all her other little episodes, but nobody 
 ever thought of saying a word about them, or of breaking 
 the seal of Lord Coverdale's content, as long as he stuck 
 to his claret, and left Lord Templeton his Countess; and 
 when at last he had the good breeding to die, and Lord Tem- 
 pleton married her, you know it had quite the effect of a 
 beautiful long attachment and constancy-rewarded sort of 
 affair, and though foreigners are guilty of innumerable 6ev?/g5 
 and gaucheries, in comjDlimenting her on the intense like- 
 ness of all the Coverdales to Lord Templeton, still, that is 
 only a petit mot pour rire, and she has such charming 
 manners, and is such a popular person in society, that she
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 61 
 
 is quite as repmidiie at 'our virtuous court' as any where 
 else." 
 
 "What a pity it is, then," concluded the virtuous (no^rw- 
 dent) Lady Pumperville, with another sigh, "that women 
 tvill do silly things, when even men can't afford to be 
 openly vicious now-a-days. You and I, my dear Lady 
 Agincourt, are old enough to recollect what a simpleton 
 poor Lord Byron made of himself, by not only affiMing 
 liis Uze morale, but actually doing it in capitals ! whereas 
 
 there are and and and fifty thousand times 
 
 greater profligates than ever he was, and ten million times 
 greater monsters as men, and brutes as husbands, than he 
 was, or had time to be, and yet, you see by dint of the 
 most adamantine hypocrisy, well seasoned with sprightly 
 lies, and solemn perjuries, and fine sentiments in print, 
 and in public, they get themselves actually puffed off as 
 great moralists ! ! ! which is the nolo mi tangere thistle they 
 throw to that dne monstre, the public, to prevent its inter- 
 fering with their private peccadillos. But, poor Lady 
 Portarjis, I fear, with that crystal face of hers, which lets 
 every feeling be seen through it, will yet do some silly 
 thing. Ah, Talleyrand should have gone a step further, 
 and said that words were not only given to us to 
 conceal our thoughts, but above all, to conceal our 
 actions." 
 
 " Comme vous dites chere," nodded the old Lady Agin- 
 court, while the diamonds continued to jump about in the 
 most mercurial manner, as if proud of their pertinacity in 
 being the only brilliant things that still hovered round 
 her. 
 
 But here, the old Duke of Longchin, looking blue as his 
 own garter, at the remorseless manner in which his feet 
 (albeit more tender than his heart) had been trodden on in
 
 62 
 
 the crowd, approached the two Dowagers, who speaking 
 in their highest key, in consideration of his deafness, 
 simultaneously expressed their regret at liis being "the 
 star" they had missed, not exactly from heaven, but 
 from every crush they had been at, for the last 
 fortni2;ht. 
 
 "Ah!" said he, with his hand to his ear, to catch the 
 sympathetic sounds; "I have been at Brighton, flying 
 from my aimual foe, the hay fever." 
 
 " My dear Duke," said Lady Pumperville, putting her 
 lips close to his ear ; " you see you have the advantage of 
 us all, for each succeeding year you can count upon being 
 in your hey-dsiyJ' 
 
 The 9i-devant jeune homme, did not catch the exact 
 purport of her words, but assuming from her manner, and 
 from the La Tremouille blood she boasted in her veins, 
 that as usual, Lady Pumperville was paying him some 
 compliment, for with such, is the daily bread of rich 
 bachelor Dukes in all countries kneaded ; he replied with 
 a bow — " Toujours, amiable chere Comtesse 1" and the 
 trio then proceeded to discuss the — Coronation, 
 when the Duke informed them that he had had all his 
 cameos, onyxes, sardonyxes and intaglios, mounted in a 
 pareur for liis niece, Lady Honfleur, to wear 6n that 
 occasion, upon which both the dowagers duetted — 
 
 " Charming ! but my dear Duke you have such 
 taste !" 
 
 AVhile Bussy, w^ho heard this starthng announcement, as 
 he bowed to the group, en passant, muttered with a 
 shrug of his shoulders, " Ciel ! qu'elle idde ! elle aura I'air 
 d'un Bahut de la Renaissance !" — the two attaches darned 
 their way through the crowd impervious to the preve- 
 nances of the young ladies, who not only so kindly
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 63 
 
 offered to share their seats with them, but added the 
 da capo of " Bo come here ? there is plenty of room !" 
 
 They at length beheld a vista of the fourth room, and 
 Lady Portarjis, at the end of it, looking very handsome, 
 very languid, and very much bored, from her prolonged 
 search for civil things to say to her guests of all 
 nations. 
 
 The velvet and gems, of social civilization were easily 
 found for France, Spain, and Italy, and the geographic 
 cal foes, Russia and Turkey, were at least congenial in 
 requiring nothing from a beautiful woman but her 
 beauty. Germany, too, she could supply from its own 
 intellectual silver, and silver lead-mines. The most diffi- 
 cult of all to cater for, were the endless social degrees 
 and grades, of her own compatriots, floating like so 
 many uniform passionless, colourless lilies upon the sur- 
 face of the frozen stagnant pool of their own. conven- 
 tionality. These, couj^led with the " raw material " 
 coarseness of American independence, were the "flat, 
 stale, and unprofitable" portions of her weary way 
 through the crowded desert. She had once a week 
 during the London season to traverse at her own 
 house. 
 
 " Comme elle est belle, ce soir ! " said Bussy to his 
 companion, honestly lauding his own taste as he glanced 
 towards their beautiful hostess. But as Mr. Saville Ver- 
 non had not yet had, or made, an opportunity of con- 
 veying to Lady Portarjis the Manual of Devotion he had 
 drawn up a few days before at the Foreign Office, he 
 took refuge in his national anti-demonstrativeness, which 
 on such occasions generally deviates into the antipodes 
 of sincerity. So, imitating one of Bussy's shrugs, he 
 nonchalantly replied, " Elle n'a plus la beauts du diable."
 
 64 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 "Soit, mais elle est toujours diablement, belie" r^ 
 joined tlie Frencliman. "Et c'est une beautd accentude, 
 qui vaut tout un sdrail de ses jeunes meeses, avec 
 leur langues qui parlent sans cesse, et leurs figures, qui 
 ne disent rien." 
 
 " Hallo ; old fellow/' said Vernon, stopping Mr. Pre- 
 derick Vileways in the door-way of the last saloon^ 
 " where the deuce have you been hiding ? Berkeley 
 Square knowsjyou not, and Tattersall's no longer echoes 
 with your name ; but now that you are caught at last, 
 will you dine with me on Thursday ?" 
 
 " Caught at last ! Good Gad ! my dear Vernon ; what 
 Cursitor Street phraseology you indulge in," drawled 
 the dandy, turning away his head, and holding out both 
 his hands in a deprecating manner, with an expression 
 of ineffable disgust. 
 
 " Eh, nothing personal, I hope ?" laughed the other ; 
 " but will you dine with me ?" 
 
 "Dooced sorry, but I carit, — obliged to travel — 
 for my health." 
 
 "Why, what the deuce is the matter with you? I 
 think I never saw a fellow look so disgustingly and 
 plethorically well." 
 
 " Ah 1 general health ! yes ; pewaps, but the chest ! 
 — the chest ! — is weak, and our confounded climate too 
 hot for it — ha ! ha 1 ha !" laughed the Honourable Frederick 
 Vileways, as he pointed with the forefinger of his very 
 amandine-looYmg right hand to the ruby and diamond 
 studs that glittered like a dioramic firmament along the 
 milky way of his cambric shirt-front, and then contrived 
 to slip himself neatly in among the dense crowd, as 
 adroitly as he would have inserted a supernumerary trump 
 into a pack of cards at Boodle's when it was his deal
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 65 
 
 Though ■v^'ith regard to tlie puhnonaiy inconvenience he 
 had complained of, the honourable gentleman only spoke 
 monetarily and metaphorically, as " The Morning Posf 
 two days after explained, by announcing his departure for 
 the Continent, owing to the amiable little circumstance of 
 his thinking so much more of his friends than of him- 
 self, that he had actually made the awkward mistake of 
 appending their signatures to sundry bills instead of his 
 o^\^l ; so that, pour le coup, he was obliged to prolong this 
 fit of absence by remaining for an indefinite period 
 abroad 
 
 "C'est mi veritable anguille, que qc Miriflore de 
 Vileways," said Bussy, looking with a degree of wonder 
 not unmixed with envy, at the retreating head of the 
 dandy, as he watched it like a dissolving-view nearing 
 the last room, while he himself was effectually kept back 
 by the human wall he had not the art of penetrating. 
 
 " Anguille a la Tartare, done, vu que c'est vous qui 
 I'accommode," laughed Lady Selina Vileways, touching 
 the arm of the speaker with her fan, not so much by way 
 of defending her brother, as to detach herself from 
 her mother's arm and take that of Bussy, whose sallies she 
 always found so much more amusing than her mother's 
 crinoline politics, and paperasse party-spirit, that she 
 was never tired of doling out to every old woman of either 
 sex, wliich so retarded their progress, as to make the 
 transit of the smallest room a sort of jomney from Dan to 
 Beersheba, wherein poor Lady Selina found " all barren/' 
 Seeing that Lady Jamley, when disencumbered of her 
 daughter, was about to pounce upon him f ante de mieux, 
 as one breathing at least, not exactly the odour of sanctity, 
 but of its antipodes, state papers. 
 
 Mr. Saville Vernon, espying an open side-door, made a 
 
 VOL. I. 9
 
 66 
 
 precipitated and diagonal retreat, knowing that that 
 passage once reached, he should be able, via a boudoir at 
 the end of it, to get into the room where Lady Portarjis 
 was without any further impediment. On entering this 
 temple of the absent divinity, which still breathed as it 
 were of her, for verily the bitter herbs which were crushed 
 to offer up in incense on the Hebrew altars, are well and 
 abundantly replaced by the crushed feelings and bitter 
 thoughts that most women are ceaselessly off'ering up from 
 that desolate and desecrated altar of a martyred faith, their 
 own heart. And the atmosphere of this quiet niche in the 
 great house, now seemed redolent of the sweet, sad, but 
 withal holy incense of many sighs, as if 
 
 " Some softening dream of love and prayer 
 Had lingered on each mute object there." 
 
 The light shed from one pale, rose-coloured, ground-glass, 
 lotus-shaped lamp, suspended from the ceiling with chains 
 of silver lilies, was as soft and shadowy as all the other 
 harmonious blendings of the place, and seemed more' to 
 circle them like the gentle memory of some long-set joy, 
 than to glare on them with the prying intensity of a vivid 
 ray. The shrine was worthy of the divinity, being a 
 perfect gem of its kind ; the doors were of the most 
 elaborately and delicately-carved Ceylon ivory, lined with 
 blush-coloured pink satin, with draperies (forming ^^ar- 
 tieres) of Valenciennes lace lined with the same. The 
 walls were hung with a similar shade of satin, embroidered 
 in bmiches of silver lily of the valley, standing out in 
 natural relief, with draperies of lace all round, caught up 
 at intervals with silver cords and tassels, while in the 
 centre pannel of two sides of the room, and over the 
 mantel-piece was inserted an oval mirror, reaching from
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE; 67 
 
 the ceiling to the ground, with an archway of gilt trellis- 
 work projecting from the top and sides, and covered with 
 a profusion of luxuriant growing foliage, which, with the 
 illusion produced by the looking-glasses, had the appear- 
 ance of so many different charmilles leading on into a 
 vista of enchantment worthy of the gardens of Armida. 
 
 The carpet of this mimic rus in urhe was not only 
 beautiful in itself, but was a chef df oeuvre as a work of art, 
 being composed of beautifully shaded green chenilles, which 
 perfectly imitated the freshest and softest moss, amid 
 which spring up a perfect enamel of equally natural wild 
 flowers, acting their parts so well as to rival the elasticity 
 of their prototjrpes, and never appear the worse for being 
 trampled upon. In two corners of the room, at right 
 angles, were two alabaster fountains of perfumed waters, 
 the one group representing Hylas borne away by the 
 nymphs ; the other, ^Egle, and two other Naiades gather- 
 ing water-lilies, also sculptured in that same pretty 
 femine marble. In the other two corners were semi- 
 circular bookcases, reaching from the ceiling to the ground, 
 the fi'onts of which were also composed of ivory, inlaid 
 with gold, the piece of leather descending over the books 
 being of pale rose-coloured kid, stamped with gold, while 
 all the books were uniformly bound in white vellum and 
 gold ; but what gave to these book-cases a peculiar light- 
 ness was that they were in the form of miarets at the top. 
 
 With regard to the bijouterie and objects of vertu 
 scattered artistically about, the Vatican or Louvre them- 
 selves, could scarcely have shown a more costly disj^lay of 
 onyx, sardonyx, ruby, and Benvenuto Cellini tazzas, 
 ornaments, and intaglios. A beautiful enamel copy of 
 the Mona Liza was among the pictorial gems, in a folding 
 up book-like frame ; one or two exquisite modem Sevres
 
 68 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 vases, in Constantin's happiest style, with little fairy-like 
 masterpieces of Petitots, which might have passed for the 
 court beauties of Oberon and Titania. The Piccolo piano 
 was also carved ivory, inlaid with gold, and on the 
 top of it, lay in most coquettish contrast, a real old Man- 
 dolin-shaped Estramadura guitar. The circular table near 
 the couch, was covered with a sort of green velvet housing, 
 made to fit it, reaching to the floor, and bordered with a 
 deep bullion fringe ; a few books were scattered about it. 
 
 In the centre was a green cu'cular tin, which being 
 filled with flowers formed a wreath, that looked as if it 
 had just been unbound from the brows of Flora herself, 
 and flung down upon the table. At each corner of the 
 velvet-covered mantel-piece, was a large osier hat-shaped 
 basket, richly gilt, and filled with the rarest flowers. The 
 jewelled Sevres time-piece was an allegory of the world-old 
 gospel of " Le temps fait passer V amour 'I' and here, at one 
 end of the gilded boat, the veteran was rowing briskly and 
 steadily away, while at the other end, tired to death, and 
 looking even more bored than tired, sat listless Love, with 
 drooping vdngs, and the oar di^opping from his enervated 
 grasp. As this pendule was in the Louis Quatorze taste, 
 it might have been, and most probably was, an experience 
 of one of the Pontanges, Lavallieres, or Montespans, 
 rendered permanent in Vermeil, by Madame de Maintenon, 
 and surmounted by the frail and brittle graces of the 
 royal "fine porcelaine." The luxurious causeuse and 
 cabriole chairs, with their eider-down squabs, were also 
 of inlaid ivory, covered with pink satin and silver brocade. 
 
 Having taken all this entourage in at a glance, the 
 intruder looked through the door, that opened into the 
 suite of reception-rooms, and there beheld, in the one next 
 adjoining, the object of his adoration — no, of his pursuit
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 69 
 
 — for the so-called gallantry of men of the world, seldom 
 or-never deviates into the former sin of idolatry, but is 
 generally begim, ended, and all comprised, in the latter 
 orthodoxly conventional vice. 
 
 With hair of an almost purple black, Lady Portarjis 
 united a skin of the finest texture and the most dazzling 
 whiteness, and eyes of the darkest and softest blue, long 
 cut and almond-shaped, with white heavy lids, fringed 
 with long dark silken lashes, so long, that they cast their 
 shadows upon her soft and faintly tinted cheeks. The 
 nose, without being absolutely Grecian, was straight, finely 
 chiselled, and of the most delicate whiteness, harmoniously 
 blending with a beautifully short, curved upper lip, whose 
 twin under one, had a slight pout, but when both agreed to 
 smile, they did so in the most charming round little dimples 
 imaginable, displaying two rows of small pearl-like teeth, 
 beautifully arched in the lovely head that served them for 
 a casket ; a head most exquisitely set on the small white 
 round neck and gracefully falling shoulders. Nothing 
 could exceed the symmetry of the slight yet full bust, 
 except perhaps the beautifully modelled arms and hands 
 appended to it; too well proportioned to appear as tall 
 as she really was, the elanc^e slightness of her figure gave 
 to her all the charm of petitesse, combined with the 
 elegance of height. 
 
 Her dress consisted of a perfectly plain purple velvet 
 robe, without guipure or any other ornament, save a girdle 
 of brilliants, marking the svelte outline of her waist; 
 and one white moss rose in the corsage of her dress, 
 whose leaves could scarcely have been distinguished from 
 the bosom on which they reposed, but for their green 
 foliage. The rich masses of her dark hair were wreathed 
 in plaits, jiainly round her head, and the one thick cable
 
 70 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 that cii'cled her forehead like a diadem, alone was studded 
 with diamond stars, the centre brilliant of each star being 
 set loose like a pendulum, emitted meteoric scintil- 
 lations every time she moved, and amid the mid night 
 of her hair, really glittered like a firmament. 
 
 Withdrawing liis eyes from the miii'or in the boudoir, 
 and actually for a few seconds forgetting the omnipresence 
 of his own identity, Saville Vernon stood contemplating 
 this beautiful vision, and as he did so, he sighed — was it 
 a sigh arising out of that compound of admiration, vanity, 
 and selfishness, for which, to find "a local habitation 
 and a name," the generahty of men purloin, and profane 
 that of love? — or, was it a genuine heart vapour, emana- 
 ting from a better source ; in a word, was it a sigh of 
 regret, at contemplating the desecration of one of the 
 fairest living temples? Neither the one, nor the other; 
 and if that sigh had a meaning, and that meaning had 
 been translated into club, or drawing-room vernacular, the 
 sentence would have run thus : — 
 
 " Confounded bore ! all these people being here ; but 
 between one thing or another, a fellow never has a chance ; " 
 and then he sighed again ; but this time it was decidedly 
 truffles — or that Chij)olata pudding — for he had dined 
 at Lord Mount Fungus's, and as Bussy truly remarked — 
 " Ces diners Mount Eungus, vous disent des injures, pour 
 huit jours apres;'' — nevertheless, it must not be supposed 
 that there was anything particularly bad about Mr. Saville 
 Vernon — far from it; he was too indolent to be even very 
 vicious, and on the other hand, he had not stufi" enough 
 in him to make a \dllain ; he was merely one of the mass, 
 eminently selfish, and pre-eminently conventional ; culling 
 all his experiences from the most ordinary and common- 
 place intelligences, and obtaining his sentiments (such as
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 7l 
 
 they were) like his shirts, ready made, and of the most 
 repandu pattern; and so he admired Lady Portarjis, 
 because every one said " she was a deuced nice woman," 
 and fancied himself in love with her, " because so many 
 fellows '' said theij were ; and then again " it decidedly gave 
 a fellow a lift in society — it was, in short, equivalent to 
 having a celebrated chef, or possessing an unique collection 
 of old ruby glass, or Capo de Monte china — or out-bidding 
 crowned heads for a Murillo — or the Kothschilds for a 
 Landseer — or being a sine qua non to the yearly flitting 
 to Bahnoral, to be after a woman of that sort." 
 
 Moreover, Portarjis was too bad ! and (^^cZ behave de\ilish 
 ill to her, ergo, of course she was, or ought to be, quite 
 ready to let other men follow his example. Not only did 
 it never enter his head to think what might be the 
 consequence to Lady Portarjis, were those pretty little 
 incitements organized into a successful scheme, but he did 
 not even contemplate the matter from that point of view, 
 few men do ; and from the one he did look upon it, 
 namely, the possible contretemps and chances it might 
 entail upon him, he instantly reassured himself by the 
 highly satisfactory reflection that grandes passions, elope- 
 ments, and compromising esclandres of that description 
 were now thoroughly exploded, except among hair- 
 dressers' apprentices, and maids of all work, whereas cases, 
 and that sort of thing, were always going on in society. 
 
 While Mr. vSaville Vernon was involuntarily putting 
 himself through this little course of one-sided moral 
 philosophy, which, indeed, was no other than that particular 
 species of sophism in rhetoric, technically and appro- 
 priately called " A Ckocodile,*'' and satisfactorily weighing 
 
 * As the origin of this rhetorical term of " Crocodile" 
 may not be known to all our young lady readers, it may be
 
 72 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 his own masculine limited liabiKties, and at the same time 
 jilting his own image in the glass to gaze upon Lady 
 Portarjis's glorious beauty ! his nerves, or rather his 
 dandyism, received a severe shock by the ajoproach of a 
 trio towards the beautiful hostess, whose parallel, or 
 prototype, he had never seen in those rooms, nor indeed 
 in any other London rooms before. They consisted of 
 two female, and one male specimen ; the first of the former 
 being a pale-eyed, pale-faced woman, of about sixty, with 
 a sort of battle-axe sternness of feature, which gave to her 
 countenance a most trancliante and relentless expression 
 Her dress (and dress it might be,) though gown it certainly, 
 could not be called, consisted of a tight casing of black 
 satin, made like a cuirasse, high up to her throat, almost 
 
 as well to state that the source of its being so applied was 
 from this old fable of the poets : — " A poor woman, begging 
 a crocodile who had caught her son while he was walking 
 by the river side, to spare his life and restore him to her ; 
 the Crocodile replied that he would do so, provided she 
 gave a true answer to the question he should propose. The 
 question was, ' Will I restore thy son or not ?' To which 
 the poor woman, suspecting a deceit, sorrowfully answered 
 " Thou wilt not," and demanded to have him restored, 
 because she had answered truly. " Thou liest," said the 
 Crocodile, "for if I restore him to thee, thou hast not 
 answered truly ; I cannot, therefore, do so, without making 
 thy answer false." 
 
 APPLICATION. 
 
 The snares profligate men spread for their victims are 
 all sided, against which, Truth in their prey, is no defence; 
 but, on the contrary, often only serves as an additional 
 springe for the Arcana of their destruction.
 
 OK, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 73 
 
 to her chill, where it appeared to be doing a little 
 homoeopathic inartyrdoin for her, in the shape of gentle 
 strangulation, while the coiffure that surmounted this 
 peculiar, or perhaps we should say, serious costume, was of 
 a more nondescript character still, as it was an elaborate 
 edifice in white tarlatan, evidently intended as a sort of 
 triple compromise between the domestic bereavement and 
 repose department of a widow's cap, and a night-cap, on 
 the one hand, and the conforming to the gauds and 
 vanities of the world, in an attempt at a turban, on the 
 other, though it must be confessed that neither the 
 
 " Fly from the world, oh, Bessy to me," 
 
 of the cap side of the question, nor the 
 
 " We met, 'twas in a crowd, 
 And I thought you would shun me !" 
 
 of the turban illustration, derived any additional grace 
 from the two braids of iron-grey, thin, straight hair that 
 bordered them in a dark, hard, barrier of outline that 
 Albert Durer might have equalled, but certainly could not 
 have surpassed. The pendant female figure was that of a 
 decidedly young and pretty woman, with a little more of 
 her ivory throat to be seen, though none of her shoulders, 
 except the rounded silhouette that appeared through the 
 high black crape dress, Hned with thick lutestring. She 
 also wore a sign — as a widow's cap may be called, when 
 surmounting a young and pretty face, whereas, when those 
 signals of distress are hoisted by perfect Gorgons, they may 
 fairly be denominated " wonders !" for one cannot hut 
 wonder how certain faces ever came by such things. 
 
 But this particular " widow's cap had nothing weedy and
 
 74 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 wan about it ;'' on the contrary, there was a light 
 setherial fluttering, as it were, in its impalpable gossamer 
 texture, which plainly told to all whom it might concern, 
 that, that croaking crone, Experience, was safely buried 
 four fathoms deep with " the dear deceased," and Hope 
 alone dwelt there, making merry music with Folly's cap 
 and bells, stuck jauntily on the top of her anchor. There 
 is no exactly telling whether it was the thousand and one 
 pretty little cliimeras she kept whispering into the young 
 widow's ear, or a conscientious conviction of how much 
 more beautiful she could, and would, have looked, had she 
 been dressed like a Christian instead of like a saint, as 
 her mother insisted she should dress, which caused the 
 latter to blush so deeply and incessantly, as she made her 
 way through the crowd, or a latent sense of the ridiculous, 
 at the ill-advised charge they were making upon the unities 
 of that aristocratic mob, by their three-abreast advent, for 
 the sedate young widow was divided by her solemn brother, 
 from her serious mother. 
 
 Now, if the most accomplished fine gentleman that ever 
 lived, from the imencumbered estate days of Adonis, down 
 to the heavily mortgaged with starch and broad cloth 
 ones of Brummel, wanted to take out a patent for looking 
 ridiculous ! he would only have to go to a poulterer's and 
 get himself trussed for a woman on each arm. What, 
 then, must have been the appearance of a very lank, very 
 tall, male individual, with those elongated coat-tails 
 peculiar to Roman Catholic Priests and Puse3dtes, a plain 
 dog-collar in white cambric round his throat, his head 
 rising from his long neck in Noah's-arkish fashion above 
 it, and a pair of round-rimmed tortoiseshell spectacles 
 adding " lack-lustre" to his eyes, refracting all sorts of zig- 
 zag shadows over his magpie costume, and giving him a
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 75 
 
 faux air of an ambulatiiig Hexapla,* with a female figure 
 such as we have attemi3ted to describe, tucked under 
 each ariu. 
 
 The air was perfectly tesselated with the mosaic of 
 different ejaculations, tliis extraordinary trio elicited from 
 the assembled spectators ; as the former advanced in an 
 mibroken column, that did infinite credit to the strategy of 
 the Church mihtant. But above all these faintly sup- 
 pressed exclamations of surprise, accompanied as they 
 were with an obligato giggle from the young ladies, might 
 be heard the " good giuacious Heavens /'' of the houherses 
 dandies, who were, to a moustache, perfectly electrified 
 at this vision ! which they declared nem. con. exceeded 
 the "Uncle Tom" assifications at Stafford House; for 
 the Duchess of Sutherland only had Mrs. Beecher Stowe ; 
 but where on earth did Lady Portarjis mean to stow 
 these natural curiosities of hers ? and who were these 
 
 "Three Black Graces ?" 
 
 Neither Law, nor Physic ; though, according to the esti- 
 mat<3 that two of them had of themselves, they might lay 
 claim to divinity, for the broadcloth and the weeds, were 
 the flower of a serious family, being no other than Mrs. 
 !Mornington, of Mornington Manor, Pield Pleury, her 
 eldest daughter the pretty widow, Mrs. Delmar, and her 
 eldest son, Luther Mornington, or as his mother called 
 him, an advanced centurion in the Army of Martyrs ! 
 But as the mother and son, with their pretty daughter 
 
 * A book coutaining the Hebrew text of the Bible 
 written in Hebrew and Greek characters, with translations 
 of the Septuagint, Aquila, Theodosian, and Symmachut, in 
 sii several columns.
 
 76 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 and sister, pursued their solemn progress towards the fair 
 hostess, who was the handsome young guardsman, in a 
 very differently cut black coat from Luther Mornington's ; 
 propelling himself through all impediments, as it were, 
 by a vigorous, yet nervous twirling of his moustache, and 
 evidently endeavouring to cover his retreat at the other end 
 of the room, as Sir Hugh de Byons, his glass fixed in his 
 eye, very inopportunely barred his passage, by calling his 
 attention to the strange group, via the following 
 remark : — 
 
 " A devilish pretty face, that, ''pon my soul ! peeping 
 through that quagmire of weeds ; but who the dooce can 
 they be ? As you are sometimes on dooty at the Tower, 
 Bowes, do you recognise the male and elderly female spe- 
 cimens, by which it is flanked, as any escapades, or ticket- 
 of-leave tigers, from that menagerie, eh ?" 
 
 But the snared victim, now struggling frantically in 
 the springes of the white-gloved hand, the bore had laid 
 on his arm in propounding this query, being no other 
 than Captain Bowes Mornington, of the Grenadier Guards, 
 son and brother to the accused ! of course did 7iot know ; 
 and looked in any direction but the one indicated by vSir 
 Hugh ; wilfully letting his eyes rest upon a tall, ungainly 
 figure, mth grizzled gTey hair, darting perpendicularly out 
 in all directions, 
 
 " Like quills upon the fretful porcupine ;" 
 
 the spectacles he wore adding to the solemn vacuity of his 
 appearance, so that he looked like a colossal statue of a 
 galvanized owl ; and a little evaporated woman in white 
 dangling on his arm, like one of the stray feathers he had 
 moulted. 
 
 Bowes said, "Do you mean those?"
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 77 
 
 ''Those ! 110, my dear fellow ; — what are you thinkmg 
 about ? Everyone knows Sir Noodle Fitz Doodle and his 
 little squeaky wife, as they belong to our own drawing-room 
 edition of ' Les animaux peints par eux memes ; ' but I 
 mean those three new importations now holding out their 
 paws to Lady Portarjis — whence come they? from the 
 north or south poles. New Zealand, Central America, or 
 Timbuctoo ? or, can it be possible that the indefatigable 
 Layard has actually succeeded in catching a leash of live — 
 ancient Ninevites ? " 
 
 "I am happy, Sir Hugh De Byons," rejoined Bowes 
 Mornington, coldly and sternly, but with the same manly 
 bearing and imflmching courage that had been often tried 
 and never found wanting in the trenches of a battle-field, 
 " to be able to satisfy your curiosity, for those ladies (lie 
 did not think it necessary to include Luther in the inven- 
 tory, and so cut his brother according to his coat) are my 
 mother and sister ; there is nothing extraordinary in their 
 being here, as Lady Milverton, Lady Portarjis's mother, 
 and my mother, were half-sisters." 
 
 " My dear fellow, I beg you ten thousand pardons," 
 said De Byons, with a sort of frank embarrassment that 
 was far more effective in obtaining the pardon he asked 
 than the most subtle savoir vivre could have been, ''but as 
 I have got into a pretty mess, I must only stand my 
 ground, therefore, I maintain that your sister is one of 
 the prettiest women I ever saw. Now, you can't deny 
 that, can you ? And I think, you must also own that it 
 is impossible to put a better face on the matter," added 
 he, holding out his hand to the handsome guardsman, 
 who shook it as cordially as it was offered. 
 
 " I only wonder," resumed the baronet, " that I neve 
 had the good fortune to see that lovely face here before."
 
 78 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 " My mother has not been in London for ten years, and 
 it was by accident she and Lady Portarjis met yesterday 
 in the Crystal Palace. I am surprised that my mother, 
 who thinks there is something sinful in a crowd of well- 
 dressed human beings congregating together in well-lit 
 rooms, should have come here this evening." 
 
 "Paritur pax hello, vide Cornelius Nepos," laughed 
 Sir Hugh ; "and, j^erhaps, the war your mother wages 
 against the world, spiritually, makes her wish to be on 
 peaceful terms with it corporeally." 
 
 While this conversation was taking place between Sir 
 Hugh De Byons and Bowes Moniington, at one end of the 
 room, Lady Portarjis was receiving her strange-looking 
 kinsfolk, in her most amiable and graceful manner, at 
 the other ; for, perceiving the ill-suppressed titter their 
 extraordinary costmne excited, she said, audibly, as she 
 took Mrs. Mornington's rigid hand, cased in a large, white, 
 thick leather glove, which might have been goat, but was 
 decidedly too tough for kid, and looked as if it were, with 
 its protruding, mifiUed-up finger-ends, the legitimate pro- 
 perty of some mute at an old maid's funeral. 
 
 " My dear aunt, it's very kind of you to come to me to- 
 night, as I know you don't like going out of an evening, 
 or, at least, coming to r^wiions, 
 
 " Honoria !" responded the matron, in a shrill, clear, 
 chanticleer sort of voice, that seemed to awaken the very 
 marrow of all who heard it, like the crowing and wing- 
 flapping of an ornithological conscience, " Honoria ! to the 
 PUEB all things are pure. My carriage has been seen 
 before now, at the doors of the lowest sinks of infamy, 
 through which / have gone unscathed, for / walk by faith 
 and not by sight ; and, whatever, scenes of iniquity we 
 may be called upon to mingle in, during our earthly
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 79 
 
 pilgrimage, those who, like me, are to rise in the first 
 resiUTection, "vvill be fully able to give a faithful account 
 of their stewardship. I could have come to see you in 
 the morning, which, as far as my own feelings go, I should 
 have nuich preferred ; but, in truth, I came here this 
 evening to spoil the Egyptians, for I want to get up a 
 concert of sacred music at my house, for the purpose of 
 Tcdsing funds for converting the Nepaulese ambassadors 
 and theii' suite : so I have brought you a few dozens of 
 my guinea tickets to dispose of among your set, but as 
 children are always comparatively innocent, Luther has 
 brought some half-guinea ones for them, your own, or any 
 other of the little perilled souls of your acquaintances." 
 
 This was ahnost too much for Lady Portarjis's gravity, 
 but she promised, nevertheless, to /aire son possible ; and 
 then turning from the formidable full-blown widow to 
 the pretty widow-bud, on the other side, she said — " As 
 usual, you are looking charmingly, dear Amy. How is 
 Eva ? is she growing up as lovely as she promised to be 
 as an infant?'' 
 
 " She is very pretty — it may be vanity in me, but, do 
 you know, I sometimes fancy she is like you." 
 
 " Her spiritual beauty, I am happy to say, improves 
 daily," put in Mrs. Momington, her shrill voice again 
 flapping its wings, clear and sharply, above the hum of the 
 whole suite of rooms, and truly a strange melange was at 
 all times to be seen in those rooms of Clanhaven House, 
 to which de Bussy had given the sobriquet of "L'Hotel des 
 Quatre Nations ;" for politics bemg Lord Portarjis's end, 
 popularity was his means ; therefore, every one distin- 
 guished for anything was sure to be found, that is seen, at 
 Lady Portarjis's weekly receptions. Science, literature, 
 and art, he of course affectioned, or at least affected — who
 
 80 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 does not in these days ? and looked upon all their repre- 
 sentatives as so many advertising columns for himself, in 
 their respective and distinct spheres, and being too well 
 born to have any taint of snobbism, cared little for the 
 plebeian, or worse, unknoiun exterior of any one, and was 
 quite equal even to such extreme cases, as Luther Mom- 
 ington and his mother ; knowing full well, that however 
 base or worthless the human coin might be ; that circulated 
 through those rooms, his invitation was the hall mark that 
 gave it the stamp of currency and conventional value IN 
 Society ! And yet, notwithstanding the galaxy of 
 science, genius, wit, and every small change, talent, so 
 heterogeneously crowded together in these assemblies, 
 nothing could be denser or duller than they were, for each 
 particular star seemed to want an orbit of its own, wherein 
 it might do all the shining, and think very little of the 
 scintillas emitted by its neighbour, thereby fully illus- 
 trating that most profound remark of Helvetius, that — 
 
 " Let a Newton, a Quinaut, and a Machiavel be brought 
 together, let them not be named, let no opportunity be 
 given them for conceiving for each other that kind of 
 esteem which may be called esteem upon trust, it will be 
 found that, after having reciprocally, but to no purpose, 
 endeavoured to commimicate their ideas to one another, 
 Newton will look upon Quinaut as a paltry rhymer, while 
 Newton will seem to him, a maker of almanacks, and both 
 will consider Machiavel as a mere coffee-house politician ; 
 and, in fine, all three, by calling each other men of 
 very little genius, will revenge, by a reciprocal contempt, 
 the mutual uneasiness they experienced." And verily 
 this, may be accepted as the real solution of that dull, 
 back-biting, stagnantly conventional, and iiTesponsive 
 enigma — English Society !
 
 OB, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 81 
 
 However, no rule without an exception, — and Mrs. 
 Mornington, who lived much in solitude, fully appreciated 
 the society she had the privilege of enjoying ; and con- 
 sequently, prominent and legible, as the startling " Mene, 
 Thekel, Upharsin/' at Belshazzar's feast, had the hard 
 lines on that self-righteous lady's forehead stereotyped 
 the Duchesse de la Fert^'s modest proclamation — " Ye 
 people, I assure you that / alone am always in the 
 right." 
 
 Despairing of finding anything to converse with the 
 rigid matron upon, Lady Portarjis had recourse to persons, 
 and said, -' Do tell me something about poor Lady Clair- 
 ville, whom I hear is now living at Field Fleury ?" 
 
 " I don't visit her," snapped Mrs. Mornington, severing 
 the sentence from her tongue at one blow ; and, having 
 given her interlocutor this set-down, she gave herself 
 another, by cbopping into a chair, as if exhausted from the 
 effort required to utter so many profane words ; while poor 
 Lady Portarjis, involuntarily passing her hand across her 
 throat, as if to ascertain whether it still adhered to her 
 shoulders, was glad to bow her head as much in gratitude 
 as comiesy, as she recognised in the door-way the tall 
 figure of Mark Melville, and his pretty, quiet, blush rose- 
 looking wife, leaning on his arm. 
 
 Mrs. Melville liked and admired Lady Portarjis ; but 
 she did not like these gatherings, and on the " few, and 
 far between" times she came to them, it was to please 
 !Mark that she did so ; for though carefully kept in the 
 dark as to the prison-house sins of the host, by her hus- 
 band's iron-chest secrecy as to those, in England, sacred 
 mysteries — his patron's private vices ; yet, with her 
 woman's instinct, despite all the 'prevenance and blandish- 
 ment of Lord Portarjis's manners, she felt that he was 
 
 VOL. I. a
 
 82 
 
 a bad man, a conclusion which his non-advancement of 
 Mark after so many years of faithful, arduous, and mire- 
 mitting services, confirmed her in. Moreover, the mother 
 as well as the wife, had its part in making her dislike the 
 honom- of attending Lady Portarjis's Wednesdays ; for, as 
 Chancellor of the Nursery Exchequer, she was always 
 calculating the amount of little shoes and sashes, the 
 mere adjuncts of her dress, such as gloves, bouquets, and 
 flowers for her hair, could have been converted into ; a 
 paroxysm of financial fever, that was greatly aggravated 
 when (as in the present instance) Mark in liis way home 
 from Downing Street had taken the long Overland Eoute 
 of Waterloo Place, and brought her a new dress from 
 Howell and James's. 
 
 In short, on these, and all similar occasions, Mary Mel- 
 ville laboured under a severe attack of that most painful of 
 all maladies, — the unequal struggle between gentle birth 
 and imgentle poverty ! which, for want of a better classifi- 
 cation, may fairly be denominated Angina Puese- 
 STRINGS ! And as she was just then suffering from a crisis 
 of one of its most severe attacks, she had no ambition to 
 wade into the Arcana-cana of the inner room, and be 
 jostled by the very plebeian rudeness of aristocratic dow- 
 agers ; or scowled at by their unsaleable daughters, 
 because her face was unfortunately fresher and fairer than 
 theirs. So she was quite content to remain on the Fron- 
 tiers, wedo'ed amid the mob of nobodies, or Kttle un- 
 knowns, which formed as it were the elective franchise of 
 Lord Portarjis's diplomatic necessities, — the Pot-Wallo- 
 pers in short of all his popularity — consisting of influential 
 editors, and their dowdy, or vulgar wives, as the case 
 miffht be, — clever Leuion of Honoured members of the 
 French Academy, Ponderous Professors from Gottingen,
 
 OB, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 83 
 
 Weimar, and Bonn, with impartially-cut coats, which did 
 not decidedly adopt any particular foshion that had alter- 
 nated through Europe for the last half century, but with 
 fidl-blo^vn roses, or camelias, in their button-holes, accord- 
 ing to the most approved portraits of Jean Paul. Strange 
 amphibious-looking animals of both sexes, who were 
 neither professors nor performers, but yet who must have 
 had some collateral meaning, or been of some remote use ; 
 or they would not have been there ; for, in the political, 
 as in the physical creation, the most ugly, the most veno- 
 mous, and the most insignificant, all have their latent use, 
 which is neither apparent nor intended to be so, to the 
 ordinaiy and superficial observer. 
 
 But to this filling up stuff or ballast, to his lordship's 
 political bark, the United States, of course, sent their 
 quota, in the shape of cute down casters, who knew how 
 to feed on fresh Britishers, and pickle them for future use, 
 by booking them on their return to America. Prominent 
 too amid this cliere a lac6lebrite or materiel for popularity, 
 were long-nosed gentlemen from beyond the Minories, 
 who never having known a bill (or its holder) that they 
 coidd not do, always excepting that little protested one 
 concerning themselves in Parliament, seemed to look with 
 contempt on the empty titles, and corresponding pockets 
 around them, doubtless considering as — 
 
 Upstart each name, that Doomsday book discloses, 
 Compared with theirs, old as the book of Moses. 
 
 Next came a milder form of the yeUow fever, in the 
 shape of substantial Anglo-Saxons, city men, known to be 
 g(jod on 'Change for any amount, short of the national 
 debt, and not so constantly, but three or four times in the 
 season, might be seen, though nevei- on the same evening, 
 
 (5 %
 
 84 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 but alternately, the brothers Quirker, of the firni of 
 Quirker and Springe, his lordship's solicitors. Mr. Crosbie 
 Quirker was a portly, full-breasted, white-waistcoated 
 gentleman, very clear-headed, inasmuch as that he was 
 extremely bald, but making up on the cheeks, for what he 
 lacked on the cranium, by an exceedingly bushy 'pair of 
 wliiskers, which being perfectly white, had a faux air of 
 a tuft of marabout feathers on each cheek. Withal, there 
 was an air of Brummagem candour and confiding benevo- 
 lence about Crosbie Quirker, that might have deceived the 
 sharpest Old Bailey barrister into the temporary belief, that 
 chicanery and quibbling, were but the fictions of the law ; 
 and truth, justice, and dove-like simplicity its great 
 
 ■ facts. 
 
 ' Nevertheless, in the profession, Crosbie Quirker was 
 considered all to nothing the sharper of the two brothers ; 
 though for mole-like, underground ferretings, and back- 
 stair voyages of discovery, Terps. Qukker, as he was called 
 by liis confreres, had no equal. His baptismal name was 
 Roger ; but in very early life he had been of such a 
 mercurial temperament, that the only safety-valve for this 
 surplus physical energy, his parents deemed would be 
 making him a dancing master, and so, for some time he 
 cut his family in Bedford Row, and capers in the provinces ; 
 but at last having put his foot in it, by proposing himself 
 as a partner for life to one of his pupils, the daughter of 
 a Yorkshire Baronet, he sold his kit in disgust, and 
 retmnied to his kin, when (that his antecedents might be 
 less known) he was articled to a solicitor in the vicinity 
 of Hanover Square. 
 
 Alas ! Vain are all human precautions for the preseiTa- 
 tion of secrets — for the anxiety to prevent a circumstance 
 from being kno-\wi, is the very thing thai gives it an
 
 OR, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 85 
 
 impetus towards publicity. Thus, tliougli nature had made 
 Koger Quirker in a very different mould from his portly 
 brother, as he was small, wizen, and particularly ignoble 
 looking ; yet he had so trained his feet in the way they 
 should go, that the oral tradition of his having been a 
 dancing-master, first began to be suspected, and then roxmdly 
 asserted, so that the sobriquet of Terps, (the by no means 
 euphonious dimiimtive of Terpsichore) soon flew from clerk 
 to council, till within the Inns of Court, and without 
 them, from bar to bench, and so on, through every circuit, 
 Roger Quirker was known by no other name than Terps ; 
 and possession being, as we all know, nine points of the 
 law, there can be no doubt that had he ever after his mis- 
 ' adventure with the baronet's daughter, succeeded in getting 
 a lady to enter into partnership with hiin, the event would 
 have been recorded in the public journals as follows : — 
 " On the first, or any other instant, Terps Quirker, Esq., 
 
 to Miss , daughter of .'' 
 
 But nick-name or no name, the brothers Quirker were 
 mvaluable to Lord Portarjis ; for while the portly Crosbie 
 was the syren that lured, the tortuous Terps was the harpy 
 that clutched any prey his lordship might require, so that 
 being in possession of much of his secret history, this 
 knowledge served of course as a chamberlain's key, to give 
 them the entree at Clanhaven house. On the present 
 occasion, it was Crosbie Quirker, and not Terps, "who 
 strutted and fretted his little hour'' through those gorgeous 
 rooms ; and now as the portly Crosbie, from time to time, 
 caressed his whiskers and chin, looked about him, and 
 wished he knew a little of some of the other people there, 
 as well as so much of Lord Portarjis, a group of four 
 persons from the opposite side of the doorway were
 
 86 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 looking at him as scrutinizingiy as if they were taking an 
 inventory"* of him for a bill of sale. This group consisted 
 of M. Abraham Levi, Moses Aaron, Mr. Solomon Izaakes, 
 and a gentile friend of theirs, one Mr. Spencer Thornberry, 
 a barrister. 
 
 " Beg your pardon, sir ; but pray may I ask if that 
 gentleman in the white whiskers and waistcoat is Mr. 
 Terps Quirker?" asked Levi, addressing himself to 
 Melville. 
 
 " Oh no, no,'" replied Mark, with his usual mild courtesy; 
 " that, is Mr. Crosbie Quirker; he has much the advantage 
 of his brother." 
 
 "Ugh V cachinnated Mr. Thornberry, with a guttural 
 noise between a grunt and a laugh. " Ugh ! and if he 
 had not the advantage of him, he'd have soon taken it." 
 
 •' What, is he so wide awake as all that V inquired the 
 three Mosaic gentlemen v/ith a laugh, and a look of evident 
 admiration at the object of their inquiries. 
 
 " Sleepless ! " laconicized Thornberry. 
 
 "Well, I must say," put m Mr. Solomon Izaakes, 
 looking somewhat superciliously at all the blue, and red, 
 rilmnds around him, and even including in that Mosaic 
 Arab look of disdain, their female pendants glittering as 
 they were in diamonds, worth at least a Jew's eye — " I 
 must say, the English aristocracy are a stupid-looking set." 
 
 " Of course they are," regrowled Mr. Thornberry. 
 "Queen Christina of Sweden, accounted for that long ago." 
 
 "Did she indeed, sir — As how pray?" asked the in- 
 quiring-minded Izaakes. 
 
 " Cause and effect, sir ; cause and effect/' 
 
 "Well, yes sir," but what is the cause ?" 
 
 " Do you think I have no fear of those crreat bulwarks
 
 OE, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 87 
 
 of our court and crosettes, * ' The Morning Post !' and 
 ' Court Journal !' before my eyes, that I should tell you ; 
 besides sir, I always do all my own quotations (as no 
 doubt you do yours on 'Change), and expect every man to 
 do the same. But you may read the why and wherefore, 
 for yourself in the life of Christina ; as it is all condensed 
 in one of her pithy maxims on monarchs/' croaked the 
 bland Thornberry. 
 
 Here, Lord St. Heliers, who had just arrived, bowed 
 courteously to all as he passed, whether he knew them or 
 not, and mtli that magnetic inclination, caused a passage 
 to be opened for him on either side, that all the elbowing 
 and pushing in the world woidd not have achieved, even 
 Mr. Thornberry bent his head deferentially as he fell, or 
 rather squeezed backwards, and. contributed his small 
 modicmn of room, and the three mosaic gentlemen, albeit 
 as we. have seen mnnoved by the other stars and garters 
 by wdiich they were surrounded, seemed as they made way 
 for him, to look on his, with as much reverence as if they 
 had been the sacred and gorgeous ephod of one of their 
 own high priests, so certain is it that the |;re5%g 
 diffused by the qualities of a real gentleman never goes 
 unacknowledged, even where those qualities may not be 
 exactly appreciated, any more than those of the vrai moine 
 depuis que le monde moinant moina de onoinerie. 
 
 Lord St. Heliers, as he passed, merely kissed the fingers 
 
 * Heally Mr. Thornberry is too recondite in his terms, as 
 every one may not, like himself, have built up such an 
 edifice of information, and therefore may not, like him, be 
 aware, that crosettes in architecture mean the returns in 
 the corners of door-cases and window-frames, called also 
 ears, elbows, ancones, and prothyrides.
 
 88 THE WORLD AND HTS WIFE ; 
 
 of liis left hand glove, which he held in his right hand, to 
 the host. 
 
 Seeing that he was occujDied in trying to look interested 
 and proportionably profound, while undergoing a sort of 
 argumentative shampooing upon men in general, and 
 national pre-eminence in particular, from a Monsieur 
 Vercoquin, arrived that morning from Geneva, a square- 
 built, imder-sized individual, with hands that indicated his 
 being a lord of the soil, somewhere, as they bore evident 
 traces of soil about them ; and the little glass cup of cherry- 
 water, which he held in one of them, after a Mahomet's 
 coffin fashion, suspended between heaven and earth, was in 
 the energetic gymnastics of his disputation, for ever in 
 danger of baptizing Lord Portarjis with its contents, 
 while, that the carpet might not feel itself neglected, 
 Monsieur Vercoquin occasionally improved his oratory, 
 by expectorating on it, with as much energy and sonorous- 
 ness, as if he had been assisting at one of those strange 
 sans gene and sans ceremonie affairs d preche in the 
 Temple at the Fustrie, in Ms native town. The premises 
 M. Vercoquin had laid down, were (of course) that a Re- 
 public was the " discretest, wisest, best " form of govern- 
 ment ; and that all the goodness and utility arising out of 
 it, were the effects of the most profound human fore- 
 thought and deliberation, and of the highest human intel- 
 ligence; whereas, added he, with more self-satisfaction 
 than suavity or truth, " Whatever greatness in science, art, 
 or even in morals, you achieve under a monarchical form 
 of government, is purely accidental : look at the innumera- 
 ble instances my great compatriot adduces of this — was it 
 not the mere accident of the adventures of Achilles, 
 firing the imagination of Alexander, that gave him the 
 thirst for glory, and caused him to destroy the empire of
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 89 
 
 Darius? just as Quintus Curtius was the patriotic myth, 
 that was the real instigator of the victories of Charles 
 XII, and the tears of Vetuiia by disarming Coriolanus, 
 consolidated the power of Eome, vvhich was on the brink 
 of crumbling under the efforts of the Volscii, and oc- 
 casioned that long train of victories, which changed the 
 face of the world, and to which Europe owes its present 
 position. And the Abbe Vertol tells us that Gustavus 
 went in vain through all the provinces of Sweden and 
 wandered above a year in the mountains of Dalecarlia. 
 The mountaineers, though preposessed by his good counte- 
 nance, the taUness of his figure, and the muscular strength 
 of his body, were by no means determined to join him, 
 tni on the very day on which he harangued the Dalecar- 
 lians ; an old man of the country remarked, that the north 
 wind had for some time constantly blown. This wind 
 appeared to them as a certain sign of protection of heaven, 
 and as an order to take up arms in favour of Gustavus — 
 now what does this prove 1 
 
 " Why, that it is an ill wind, that blows nobody good f 
 chimed in Mr. Thornberry, stopping with his hands 
 behind his back, on his way out of the room, to hear the 
 conclusion of the Genevois harangue. 
 
 '•' Excuse z, Monsieur, it proves," re-gesticulated the 
 latter, " that it was chance, mere chance, the chance of 
 the north wind that placed the crown of Sweden on the 
 head of Gustavus Adolphus : — and in science, was it not 
 also chance, that caused the tranquil soul of your Newton 
 to be startled by the fall of an apple ; as thinking of 
 nothing less, he walked in his garden, and so got the first 
 idea of his system of gravitation.'' 
 
 '•' Garden, for garden, my dear sir," smiled Lord Portarj is. 
 " Florence was a Republic, and yet, was it not also mere
 
 90 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 chance that led Galileo into the gardens of the Boboli, when 
 the gardeners were working the pumps, and not being able 
 to raise the water above thirty-two feet, they asked him the 
 cause? which question, first, piquing the vanity of the 
 philosopher, next, caused him to put his vanity into 
 action, till he discovered the weight of the air, a,nd with 
 it, the solution of the problem. But," added the peer, 
 with a somewhat more invidious smile, "will you not 
 also allow, that chance may have had likewise something 
 to do with William Tell sending the arrow through the 
 apple, instead of through his son's head ?" 
 
 "Ahem! ahem \" preluded Mr. Thornberry, before the 
 struggling M. Vercoquin had time to rej^ly, and finishing 
 him as it were, with a blow from hissledge-hammer. 
 " That,'' my lord, may be too far back for Monsieur to 
 remember ; but, according to his doctrine of chances, 
 perhaps he will have the goodness to tell me, how it would 
 have turned out for Geneva, and the Genevois, if, instead 
 of John Calvin having paid them a visit, his right jovial 
 friend, " le hon, le docte, le sage, le tant humain, tant 
 dehonnaire et equitable Fran9ois Eabelais (as the said 
 Rabelais said of his friend Tiraqueau) had settled amongst 
 them?" This was too much for even Lord Portaijis's 
 good-breeding, and gravity — so he was obliged to laugh 
 outright, while Mr. Thornberry, with the most solemn 
 and imperturbable seriousness of visage answered his own 
 question, by saying, " I think, sir, that had the chance 
 fallen out, Rabelaisien, instead of Calvinistic, the result 
 would have been (and a blessed one, too, for posterity) 
 that though there might have been more public laisser 
 alter amid these worthy Republicans ; that is, that the 
 women might have been less guindees, and the men more 
 galants, there would also have been more virtue, though
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 91 
 
 less cant in private, and though you might have had no 
 dames dii haut, neither would you have had any 
 so so ; had you had the good fortune, or chance 
 as you call it, to have had Pantagruelism, instead 
 of Cahinism, in your little Eepublic/' Poor M. Ver- 
 coquhi actually gasped as he stared at that aggressive 
 interloper in the discussion, Mr. Thornberry — but word he 
 uttered none, being as pre-eminently gifted with V esprit 
 dii lendemain — that never has a reply ready, as most of 
 his compatriots. We read in the Travels of Alexander 
 Von Humboldt, that in the missionary-station of Esme- 
 ralda, he became acquainted with that curious and partial 
 poison called "Curare," equalling in deadly subtlety the 
 Ticunas of the Amazon stream and the Upas of Java, but 
 differing from them in this, that when taken internally 
 the Curare is a salutary medicine, and antidote for certain 
 diseases ; whereas, when used only superficially or exter- 
 nally, more especially when coming in contact with any 
 excoriated spot, its effects are mortal and instantaneous. 
 Now Cramming, whether conversational or oratorical, 
 may be fakly considered as a sort of parasite curare, 
 gi^owing on the tree of knowledge, which, like its other 
 fruits, when taken internally and well-digested, is a salu- 
 tary specific, but which generally proves fatal to those who 
 merely make an external and superficial display of it, as 
 in the case of crammers ; for, having but the certain 
 quantity, so used, they have nothing to fall back upon as 
 an antidote, and so once down, are completely at the mercy 
 of their adversary ; and such being the case with poor M. 
 Vercoquin, we shall pusillanimously leave him in the 
 clutches of the ruthless Thornberry, not caring to be a 
 spectator of the proceedings of the latter, while 
 
 " Thrice he slew the slain :"
 
 92 THE WORLD AND HIS ^yI^E ; 
 
 but return to the boudoir where we left Mr. Saville Ver- 
 non revolving what would be the safest, most expeditious, 
 and least compromising — for himself — mode of proceed- 
 ing, with regard to ''the little affair,'' (as breaking the 
 seventh commandment is called, or rather miscalled, in 
 good society) he had so kindly chalked out for Lady 
 Portarjis : — cogitations which were suddenly and strangely 
 interrupted, as we have before stated, by the advent of 
 that "grim white woman," Mrs. Mornington, her daughter 
 Delmar, and her son Luther, Having stared at them till 
 he began to suffer from an indigestion of surprise, as to 
 what they were, and wonder as to who on earth they could 
 be ? the former feeling always jostling and baffling the 
 latter conjecture. At length, fairly exliausted between 
 the two, he lowered the 2')ortiere, to shut out the inex- 
 plicable vision, and sank into a bergere, determined to 
 wait till all "those confounded people were gone,'' when 
 he thought Lady Portarjis would be certain to return to 
 her own room, via the boudoir, as it opened on the land- 
 ing, opposite to the stairs, leading to the bed-rooms. To 
 be sure it was, as he himself thought, "a confounded bore 
 for a fellow to pass so much thne alone," and therefore, he 
 resorted to every resom'ce within liis reach to beguile it — 
 first looking at his exceedingly well-made and highly- 
 polished kid boots, as he elongated his feet, then passing 
 his hands in review, more especially the state of his nails ; 
 but as, "on revient toujours, a ses premiers amours,'' he 
 once more returned to the glass, and having arranged, for 
 the twentieth time, his hau', beard, and moustache, and 
 viewed his face in every possible direction, in front, in 
 profile, and three-quarters, he summed up the evidence 
 his judgment had passed upon the examination, in the 
 following sentence — " Well ! she might do worse ! "
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 93 
 
 After tliis, determined to continue en bonne odeur 
 with himself, he tried all the different perfumes iia 
 the vaiious flacons scattered about the room, tUl, some- 
 what overpowered by the melange, he again went back to 
 the dolcefi^r niente of the eider-down herghre; and wish- 
 ing, in vain, that he had a cigar, he was at length driven, 
 by stress of yawning, into actually opening a book, which 
 turned out to be Charles de Bernard's exquisite tale of 
 " Le Paravent." Lured on by the charm of the style, the 
 flesh and blood vitality of the characters, the artistic 
 working out of the denouement, and the masterly social 
 diplomacy with which that rard avis of mothers-in-law, 
 Maxime's mother, dejoue'd — the rou^ Vicomte's designs — 
 upon her son's wife, he, m spite of himself, read on to the 
 end. Then, closmg the volume, he flmig it fr^om him with 
 an impatient jerk, as if he had been listening to a tissue of 
 the most pointed personalities, which he was obliged to 
 endure from having no means of resenting, though he did 
 reUeve himself by the following soliloquy — ''Ah, well ; 
 it's lucky that out of that book there are ]io such 
 belles meres, or there would soon be an end of all society ; 
 for a fellow might just as well have a division of the de- 
 tective police in the room every tune he spoke to a 
 pretty married woman, as a dowager-dragon of that 
 description." 
 
 This truth uttered, he had again to seek a safety-valve 
 for his ennui, and so began opening, and examining divers 
 square and oval morocco-cases upon the table, containing 
 miniatures of Lord Clanhaven, and the ladies Gemma 
 and Naomi de Vere ; at length he opened one that had 
 more interest for him than the youthful effigies he had 
 just been looking at, and that was a portrait of their 
 jnother, exquisitely pamted, and satisfactorily, as well as
 
 94 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 beautifully like. For a few seconds, the dandy forgot 
 himself in more senses than one, while looking at it, and 
 after a hurried chain of reasoning — no — of floating 
 egotisms, which ended in the foUo^ving assertion : — 
 
 " A deuced nice thing for a fellow to have on his toilet 
 some years hence, with lockets and rings, and knots of 
 ribbon, and all that sort of thing/' 
 
 And with this prudent provision for the future by, like 
 Dr. Watts's " Little busy bee," improving " each shining 
 hour,'' he was about (acting under the influence of 
 Mercury, that tutelary deity of lovers and thieves, those 
 Olympian sjmonymes) quietly to transfer the treasure to 
 his pocket, when he was disagreeably and unexpectedly 
 prevented, by a pendant piratical illustration of Dr. 
 Watts's poetry and of Priscian ! in the shape of — 
 
 " Let dogs delight to hark and bite, 
 Eor 'tis their nature to ! / .' " 
 
 For Tatters, who had been quietly curled up under the 
 sofa all the while, and had hitherto contented himself with 
 following Mr. Saville Vernon's every movement with his 
 intensely brown eyes round the room, and fixing them 
 upon him from between his paws while the former gentle- 
 man sat reading, yet no sooner did he attempt to fran- 
 chise the barriers of civilized society, by pocketing what 
 
 ""Was not Msen — " 
 
 than Tatters (though languid from a long course of 
 nursery worrying on the part of the little lord, his new 
 master, from which he had escaped to his present retiro, 
 at an early hour of the evening with one of the maid's 
 Ga])S tied to his tail) Tatters, we say, who in the reunions
 
 OK, A pekso:n of consequence. 95 
 
 he had been in the hcabit of frequenting with Mr, 
 Bumpus, knew that 
 
 " Eveiy dog was expected to do his duty," 
 
 one part of which was that of a four-footed policeman, 
 whenever he detected anything finding its way into the 
 wrong pocket, consequently he now made a spring from 
 under the sofa, barking loudly, till seizing the exquisite 
 by the ankle, the bark was exchanged for a roulade of the 
 most con spirito growls, accompanied by a vehement 
 wagging of his be-furbelowed tail, while the white cap of 
 the nurserymaid seemed to be here, there, and every- 
 where, like that rallying point of victory, the panache 
 hlanc d' Henri quatre. 
 
 " Oh ! oh ! get away, you horrid wi^etch," screamed the 
 terrified dandy, dropping the miniature as if it had been a 
 burning coal, and then defending himself with one foot 
 and both his hands against his canine assailant, but all in 
 vain, so looking hopelessly, helplessly, despairingly ! around 
 for an auxiliary weapon, the only one within his reach, 
 pegged down as he was like Gulliver by the Lilliputians, 
 was a long spn-al bottle of eau de Cologne, which, seizing 
 from its stand, he remorselessly poured its contents over 
 his antagonist, but luckily for the poor animal none of 
 it went into his eyes. He still growled bravely on, 
 mthout relinquishing his grasp, though considerably incom- 
 moded by the unwonted fragrance, more accustomed as 
 Tatters was to its smells of Cologne, as enumerated by 
 Coleridge, than to its far-famed water. 
 
 At this crisis of the combat. Lady Portarjis, being about 
 to leave her now ]iearly-deserted, salons and hearing the 
 ■.(•reams from the boudoir, concluded that, as usual. Lord 
 Portarjis had counter-ordered her mandates^ and given
 
 9f5 THE "VVOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Lord Clanhaven permission to come down and sit up ; 
 instead of going to bed ; so fearing that, as was generally 
 tlie case, his disobedience to her commands and defiance 
 of her wishes, had been followed by some untoward 
 accident or catastrophe, she rushed to the door, and 
 raising the portiere in great alarm, exclaimed — 
 
 *' Good heavens ! Clanhaven, what is the matter ? How 
 comes it that you are not in bed yet ?" But upon per- 
 ceiving her mistake, and also the critical position of the 
 unfortunate attache, whose discretion and diplomacy, were 
 alike at fault, and after looldng from him to Tatters, and 
 from Tatters to him, she ended by calling off the latter 
 with a smile. 
 
 "Here, Tatters ! Tatters ! come here, sir, directly. 
 Tatters, come this minute when I call you !" 
 
 Thus appealed to, Tatters reluctantly relinquished his 
 hold, and, with his head and ears downward, and a low 
 growl at his released prey, eji passant, came over to his 
 beautiful mistress, wagging his ad c«p-tandum tail, and 
 putting out his shaggy paw, which she took in her soft 
 white hand, reading him a homily on canine courtesy, and 
 doggish delinquencies. 
 
 " Oh ! thank you, my dear Lady Portarjis," gasped the 
 emancipated hero, rubbing his wounded ankle with one 
 hand, while he fanned himself with his pocket-handker- 
 chief with the other : " thank you, for calling off that 
 confounded cur !" 
 
 " I hope he has not bitten you T 
 
 " No, no, — not exactly ; but I feel the pressm'e of his 
 infernally sharp teeth even through my boot. I thought 
 Lord Portarjis had ordered him to be given away ?" 
 
 '' Well, so he had ; but the children took a fancy to liim, 
 ^nd begged him off, poor fellow !" contmued she, patting
 
 OK, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 97 
 
 the (log's shaggy head as he Laid it on her velvet kp; for 
 tii'ed with so many hoiu's standing, the dame du logis 
 had seated herself upon the sofa, on perceiving that Mr. 
 Saville Vernon was more frightened than hurt ; poor 
 fellow ! poor old doggie ! but you really must leave off 
 your cabaret manners, Tatters, and not fly at people as if 
 they were thieves." 
 
 " Thieves !" sighed the attacM in his turn, seating him- 
 self, and gradually approaching his chair, nearer to the 
 lady, as tightly pressing his hat into a still flatter crush, he 
 looked up over it intently, or, as she thought, imperti- 
 nently, into her face. 
 
 " Do you know who are the worst sort of thieves?" 
 " No,"" she replied, with a slightly satirical inflection of 
 voice, as she stretched across the table to reach a book 
 that she did not want, to give her a plausible pretext 
 which she did want, for removing some degrees farther 
 from the proximity of Mr. Saville Vernon's chair, " No, 
 for I was not aware that there were any good sort of 
 thieves !" 
 
 *' Wliat ! not when angels are thieves ?" again sighed 
 the exquisite, with a large round look of calf-like vacuity, 
 which he intended for sentiment. 
 
 "That is a sort of calumny diflicult to refute," said Lady 
 Portarjis, between an exhausted yawn, and an apathetic 
 smile ; "for as angels dwell in Heaven, one cannot suppose 
 there is anything on earth that they would think worth 
 stealing." 
 
 " Ah !" said, or sighed, her companion. 
 But, as " Ah !" is not an ejaculation of that specific 
 character which absolutely requires an answer. Lady Port- 
 arjis made none. 
 
 '' Oh ;" was Mr. Vernon's next attempt ; but that 
 VOL. L H
 
 98 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 being colloquially — precisely in the same category as 
 Ah !" — there was nothmg to be said to it, either ; so, to 
 fill up the awkward pause, the little Sevres time-piece 
 struck two. 
 
 " Two o'clock 1 I fear 1 must congedier you ; for it is 
 time for all sensible people to be in bed," said Lady 
 Portarjis. 
 
 " Oh ! but Fm not a sensible person," rejoined the 
 attache, accompanying this supererogatory piece of 
 candour with another look of still softer goose-down than 
 the last. 
 
 " It is not civil to contradict people, nor right to praise 
 one-self,'' smiled the Lady; "but I do lay claim to as much 
 sense, as is comprised in being always glad to go to bed 
 when I'm tired." 
 
 "And can you sleep, when there?" asked Mr. Sa\dlle 
 Vernon, in a tone of inquiring reproach, that might have 
 served as a model for the ordinary of Newgate, in his 
 last night's interview with condemned criminals, on the 
 eve of their execution. 
 
 "Of course, I can — as I don't think it requires any 
 great degree of talent to be able to sleep when one is 
 sleepy ;" in corroboration of which axiom, the fair speaker 
 gave another yawn. 
 
 "There is something that awes a fellow confoundedly! 
 with these matter-of-fact, cold, stately women," thought 
 the discomfited attache, "but perhaps, after all, I'd better 
 leave the packet with her, that I've got in my pocket; 
 Bussy says, ' women like to have declarations legally 
 dra\vn up in black and white (and one need not sign one's 
 name), and poetry, and all that sort of thing;' — ah, but 
 the deuce of it is, that I never can remember any poetry." 
 But all this, was merely a neutral electric flash, ending
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 99 
 
 with — ''Oh! ah! yes — Hamlet by Jove!" which he put 
 into words, by exclaiming, with an abortive attempt tc) 
 take her hand (for seeing the movement she parried it) — 
 
 "And in that sleep, what dreams may come." 
 
 "Exactly," said she; "dreams, which are to sleep, what 
 the sold is to the body ; it's better, because it's immortal 
 part ; were our life not ' rounded by a dream,' it would 
 indeed be a sad, harsh, rugged, angular affair." 
 
 The inamorato breathed more freely — he began to see 
 twilight, for when she talked about dreams, he thought 
 there might be some chance of her being caught napping. 
 Still, he felt that, in an encounter of wits, or even of 
 words, he was no match for her ; so, withdrawing the 
 long-written declaration from his pocket, he was in the 
 very act of presenting it to her, as having succeeded in 
 seizing one of her hands, and raising it to his lips, he 
 said, 
 
 " Most lovely of women ! here are some dreams of 
 mine, if you will but '' 
 
 When the door opened, and the Groom of the Chambers 
 entered, but was about as suddenly to retire, on seeing 
 the room was still occupied, with an apologetic bow, and 
 an " I beg your ladyship's pardon ; I came to put out the 
 lights, not being aware that anyone was still here." 
 
 " I ims — going Jackson — so light my hand-candle, 
 — and here," added she, casting a glance of mingled 
 scorn and espieglerie on the overwhelmed attache, " take 
 this packet to Lord Portarjis, if he has not gone to bed 
 yet, as they are papers Mr. Saville Vernon wishes him to 
 see.^' 
 
 " No, no," — gasped that unfortunate personage, " I find 
 I have brought the wrong papers, Jackson, so must wait 
 till Lord Portarjis comes to Downing Street to morrow." 
 
 U 2
 
 100 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 " That will bo quite time enough,. Sir/' bowed Jackson, 
 as he handed the lighted taper to Lady Portarjis, " for his 
 lordshij) went out about an hour ago, as soon as the com- 
 pany was gone, and has not returned yet." 
 
 " Good night, Mr. Saville Vemon," said the hostess, 
 holding the candlestick in one hand, and her fan and 
 gloves in the other, so as to preclude the necessity or pos- 
 sibility of shakmg hands. " I am sorry Lord Portarjis 
 could not see your papers to-night, but I suppose to- 
 morrow will do as Vv^ell T' 
 
 " Oh ! quite,'' stammered the discomfited dandy, as he 
 bowed, and descended one flight of stairs, while the lady 
 ascended the other ; and so the Honoui^able Saville Ver- 
 non learned for the first time, by practical experience, 
 that — great truth, — that 
 
 " Une femme d'esprit, 2)eiit trahir son devoir ; 
 Mais il faut pour le moins, qu'elle ose le vouloir ; 
 Et la stupide au sien, pent manquer, d' ordinaire, 
 Sans en avoir I'envie, et sans penser le faire." 
 
 As Mr. SaviUe Vernon crossed the hall, he had (if it 
 were one) the satisfaction of finding that he was 7iot " the 
 last man," as a very elaborately got-up personage, a Mr. 
 AYarren Hastings de Musty, one of the etat major of a 
 leading morning paper, the Tyhurn To nans, emerged from 
 the library, where he had been ostensibly to look for his 
 hat. — ^a certainly not very usefid article among dead men's 
 brains.
 
 OR, A TEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 101. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 f oiibon ill |lagi 
 
 SLIGHT was going, morning coming ; slowly and 
 ^ dreamily, the latter opened her blue and languid 
 
 Wi 
 
 eyes upon that moiling, toiling, murky, pleasure-circled, 
 and sorrow-paved great city of Plutus — London ! which, 
 having quaffed from its myriad cups of crystal, gold, and 
 clay, its divers draughts of deadly wine, now lay like some 
 huge giant stretched along the banks of the sluggish river, 
 sleeping its heavy sleep. Almost every sound of human 
 life was hushed, save the faint echoes, here and there, of 
 the sobs and sighs, which sleep returns as an acknowledg- 
 ment of the costly capital of human ills she has received 
 into her temporary keeping. 
 
 At length, morning opened wide her ruddy lips, and 
 yawned out day-light on the world, when London's dia- 
 monds returned home to their cases, and London's rags 
 gave themselves "the rousing shake," and began to emerge 
 from tlie holes and corners where they had not exactly 
 rested, Init subsided, for the few small link-hours that 
 intervene between day and night. Among the first
 
 102 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE: 
 
 trailing footsteps that awoke a thick, indistinct echo along 
 the anti-ambrosial streets of the eastern quarter of the 
 great city, were those of Tatters's bereaved master, Robert, 
 more commonly called Bob Bumpus. His costume was 
 jDrecisely the same as that in which he was first introduced 
 to the reader, so that — as kmd people are always ready to 
 tell us that wliich we ah-eady know ; — had any of the boy- 
 hood of great men, alias embryo burglars and pick- 
 pockets, been yet astir, they would have no doubt informed 
 him what a shocking bad hat he had. But as Mr. Bum- 
 pus was then en voyage, having walked up from Field 
 Fleury by easy stages of twenty miles a day, his travelling 
 attu-e consisted simply of wisps of hay round his legs, and 
 pieces of whip-cord crossed, sandal-wise, round his ankles 
 from either side of his shoes ; the whole of his luggage 
 being contained in a blue and white checked pocket-hand- 
 kerchief, the van for which, was a thick oaken stick, on 
 which the bundle was slung, the stick itself resting on his 
 left shoulder. He stopped, and looked about him, for the 
 street " was all before him where to choose his place of 
 rest;" and so he selected the kerb-stone in front of the 
 magnificent emporium of "Messrs. Moses and Son;" 
 and leaning his right shoulder against the post of the gas- 
 lamp, after elongating his feet into the kennel that flowed 
 at the side, by way of a sort of al fresco foot-bath, he 
 next took ofl" his hat and laid it on the pavement beside 
 him, which uncovering to the morning air, was somewhat 
 a work of supererogation, it must be confessed, when it is 
 taken into consideration how exceedingly well-ventilated 
 the' said hat was in all directions. Though his doublet 
 was not intended to represent the fashion formerly rife 
 throughout Spain, yet it so far resembled it, that being 
 slashed at the elbows — and that not through any Sartorial
 
 OR, A PERSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 1 03 
 
 art (but from "time and the hour"), which impartially 
 wear through the longest day and the stoutest broad- 
 cloth, — his shii^t-sleeves were prominently visible through 
 the apertures. But as his eyes fell heavily and sadly on 
 these rents, they appeared to make corresponding ones in 
 liis feehngs, for, pidling out first one, and then the other 
 in long loops, with a gesture of impatience, he apostro- 
 phized them in tlie following strain, passing the back of 
 his hand hastily over his eyes the while — 
 
 "Ah, well, it seems as there aint to be no tatters of no 
 sort for me ; rags is good enough for rogues and waga- 
 bones, as the magist?'ai5es calls us coves, ven ve has the 
 least spree as is not according to church and state, vether 
 it's thimble-rig hon a race-course, or vith them poor gals, 
 as they calls slop-workers, who is hexpected to grind their 
 bodies and souls out for three-halfpence a-day in such 
 Vanity Fair slaughter-houses as that ere ;" and here, Mr. 
 Bumpus "suited the action to\the word," by pointing with 
 the thumb of his left hand over his shoulder at the 
 gorgeous plate-glass windows of the adjacent "emporium," 
 which were as yet concealed by their oaken veils of "win- 
 dow-shutters. 
 
 " But," continued he, in the same anatomy of melancholy 
 strain, " for the gents and nobility, hof course the same 
 thhigs, or wuss, has totally different names. Ven osses, 
 and jockeys, and trainers too for that matter, is doctored 
 in a vay as is not quite according to the College of Physi- 
 cians, it stands to reason that the nobleman or gent as 
 pockets the thousands hon the transaction, knows no- 
 think vothever as to oiv it vos brought about. And as 
 for niinating on women by scores, that's in course the 
 nobility and gentry's private life, that nobody, and least of 
 hall the lawr, has no business to meddle with. Like poor
 
 104 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 Polly and her child ! veu five year ago, I fished her and it 
 hout of the Paddington canal, and ve vos hall three tookt 
 afore a magistrate ; and she vos a going to tell as how a 
 nobleman ad fust ruinated her, and then deserted her and 
 her child. The magistrate stopped her has soon has hever 
 she vos a going to mention the nobleman's name, saying 
 as he couldn't have a lord's character ! compermised by a 
 ooman of that sort. 
 
 " Then ven I upped and axed who had made her a 
 ooman of that sort ? I was a hinsolent ivagabone, and 
 ordered another month at the treadmill ; and ven I kem 
 out, cause I could not let poor Polly and her child starve 
 about the streets, and I took em along vrith me to my 
 place ; then the same ' worthy magistrate,^ as they calls 
 em in the noosepapers, told us as ve vos a living in vidce. 
 ' No ve baint yer vorship,' says I — ' ve's honly a starving 
 in wirtue. The nobleman as draiv Polly and her babby into 
 the canal, is living in wice, and no mistake, and wouldn't 
 I sarve him out ; if so be as I could only know his name. 
 " But from that day to this, I've niver bin liable to git 
 it hout of the poor soft, silly cretur, as fears if so be has 
 I knowed it, I'd git myself into trouble a takiii hon the 
 lawr into my own ands, hand so I would, too ; for the lawi', 
 vot's the lawr ? but a sort of wrap-rascal for the rich hand 
 the great, to kiver hover hall their sins and wices ; and 
 that done, the lawr jumps Jim Crow, and tm'ns itself hinto 
 a sign-post, vith a oss-air vig hon the top hon it, to pint 
 out hevery crooked road a poor devil turns do^vn, to pick 
 up a few rags and bones. 
 
 " Ho ; but it's they public characters ! parliament-men, 
 speechifiers, hauthors, hand sich like, has is the woppingest 
 humbugs ! of the whole lot. They's like blow'd hout 
 bladders, filled chuck-full of wind, they his, which sarves
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 105 
 
 to keep themselves hup safe enough. But jist let any one 
 nin the sharp pint hof a single truth hinto these here 
 public humbug-balloons, hand they'll soon find the hempty 
 hair has they'll git for their pains." In short, though he 
 expressed himself somewhat differently, Mr. Bumpus was 
 quite of old Peter Charron's opinion, that " the honesty of 
 wisdome is very rare, for there are very few that do know 
 the first lesson, or how to study it. There is not a man that 
 is master of himself, much less of another. In things 7iot 
 necessary and strange, there are many masters, many dis- 
 ciples. In this point we are never with, nor within our- 
 selves. We always muse of outward things, and man 
 better knoweth aU things than himself misery ! 
 madness ! To the wise in this point it is necessary that 
 we know all sorts of men, of all airs, climates, natures, 
 ages, estates, professions (to this end serves the traveller 
 and the history), their motions, inclinations, actions, not 
 only public (for they are the least to be regarded, being 
 all feigned and artificial), but private, and especially the 
 more simple and peculiar, such as arise from their proper 
 and natural jurisdiction.'' 
 
 But Mr. Bumpus had warmed with his theme ; so, first 
 abstracting from his bosom some fragmentary specimens 
 of party-coloured cotton, which had once been a pocket- 
 handkerchief, he wiped the pearls of eloquence that bedewed 
 his forehead and face ; and then, as the neighbouring 
 church-clocks struck five, not having tasted anything to 
 signify since four o'clock, he untied the corners of the 
 blue bundle, withdrew from it, a metal flask, which he 
 ai>plied to his lips ; and, after literally draining it, and 
 announcing his approbation of the contents by a peculiar 
 noise of his tongue against his palate, he shook the flask, 
 whicli returning no sound, he said with a sigh, and a toss 
 of his head —
 
 106 THB WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 •' Hempty ! like hevery think else ; for there haint 
 nothhik, hill hany think has I can see.'' 
 
 And then he proceeded to turn over the remaining con- 
 tents of the bundle, which were more useful than either 
 ornamental or varied, consisting of one shirt, an equal 
 profusion of stockings, a black silk neck-kerchief, a 
 piece of twine, an old iron-holder, that did duty as a 
 housewife, having two large needles darned through it, on 
 which were spitted four shirt-buttons, and a skein of 
 thread. The rest of the casket was composed of a short 
 and well-blackened clay pipe, a pack of veiy dirty cards, a 
 corpulent and well-thumbed " Little Warbler," containing 
 the repertoire of comic songs, with which he was wont 
 " to set the table," or at least the tap, " in a roar," and the 
 before-mentioned betting-book, which, in truth, was his 
 vade-mecum. Having for some seconds contemplated 
 these treasures, more with the eye of an amateur than of a 
 connoisseur, he began leisurely turning them over, much 
 after the same fashion that a dog does a heap of rubbish 
 in quest of a bone. 
 
 " Veil ! there haint never no bread ; and vot vould be 
 the use hof it hif there vos ? Poor Tatters ! he used to 
 henjy a crast hunkiminon arter one of om^ long tramps. 
 Poor feller ! poor feller ! he hand I von't never break 
 bread together no more hin this vorld, hor ivale of tears, 
 as Madam Momington caUs it. Veil, howshever, she hand 
 Mister Luther may shut up theii' cant-castors for the fut-er, 
 about my throwing hon the children's bread to the dog.s. 
 Hat hall events, poor Tatters did more credit to his crusts 
 than Mister Luther does to all they there flesh-pots of 
 Egypt hup at the Manor, as Madam Mornmgton calls the 
 stuffing and cramming as goes on there ; for arter all, she 
 at least honly looks like a haporth of soap arter a hard
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONBEQUKNCK. 107 
 
 day's wash, but a haporth a soap as ad put a liend to hits 
 siiffrens, by thro^viiing liou hitself hinto the starch 
 basin. 
 
 "Poor Tatters ! hif so be has I could honly know vera 
 he vos, and as he vos tookt care hon, I should be a deal 
 heasier hin my mmd ; but it's no use thinking hon it ! 
 Vot's done his done ; vot's past his past. Sorrow han't 
 got a pretty face, that she should make any that has once 
 past hon return ; and Regret's no tinker, and so never 
 yet mended nothink. No, not heven hall the rents has 
 was made hin the commandments ven Moses took hand 
 let 'em fall, and they vos broke hall to pieces ; and that's 
 the reason I 'spose has they've niver been kep but in 
 little bits like hever since, the rich allaise having hon the 
 tcery smallest bits, thinking it warn't geniQQl to take a large 
 piece hof any think, and so that's the reason 'cause I, 
 Bob Bumpus, appened to 'ave a heye for oss-flesh, and 
 liked the smell of turf, his a rogue hand ivagahone\ 
 'specially as I fell hin with one has vos a willain, hand no 
 mistake. Since he hended by riding a hacorn's foal, or 
 vot they calls at the Hold Baily being ung for gitting hon 
 too many relations and race osses hout of the vay vone 
 arter another. Ugh ! he vos a hugly customer, sure 
 enough, for all he looked as smooth hand soft has gruel ; 
 and it's Bob Bumpus as vishes he'd retired hinto private 
 life, like his brother Moses, hand been content with seeing 
 the vorld from two pints of view, a boy at one hend, 
 hand a birch hat the bother, afore he'd come across sich a 
 
 . Veil, thinking haint no good ; I vos neither his 
 
 pal, nor his 'complice, I warn't. I vos honly his tool hand 
 his fool. Ugh! but it'll leave a taste of pison hon my 
 whole life. 
 
 " Never mind, try again. Vich thimble his the pea
 
 108 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 hiinder ? The vone in the shape of a coronet, to be sure. 
 He gets rid of his cast-hofF missus, there's no harm in 
 that ; that's vot they calls somng hon their vild hoats, 
 and turning hover a new leaf ; but ven a county 'tomey 
 like that 'ere Joe Jennings, marries her for valley received, 
 he's a shabby feller has nobody likes to 'sociate with, and 
 then he comes hout hon the turf, and there's rum stories 
 about osses bolting, hand successful bets agin the favourite, 
 though it's his own oss ; but has long as Jennings vinSy 
 in course no one han't no right to say nothink, or least 
 ways, he's hevry right to be treated as a 'spectable man, 
 for has long as the pockets his veil lined, no fear of the 
 character hever being maligned ; besides, so many noble- 
 men hand gents vins largely hon these little transactions 
 by Joe Jennings, so in course it is hall right, hand there 
 can't by no possibility be nothink viTong. 
 
 " At last, poor Sam Netherby falls dead fi^om his oss, five 
 minutes arter starting ; fortius is lost hand von ! hand the 
 haccident losers, grows wenomous, and says, taint no 
 haccident ; hinwestigations takes place ; many nobs, hand 
 gents has as netted thousands hon the death of Netherby, 
 his much talked hof has aving been consarned with Jen- 
 nings in the matter ; l^ut nothink of this gits hinto the 
 noosepapers, has hit is hall made pleasant hin some way 
 hor bother. Hall tliey know liis, that they von ; in com-se 
 they can't be hexpected to know how they von ; it vos hall 
 chance ; but the death hof Netherby was brought home to 
 Jennings, with many more; so Jennings was hanged — 
 tliat vos a mischance ; hand I vish has I'd been hanged, 
 too, afore he'd made me take that glass of sperets to poor 
 Netherby, though I knew no more what that ^villain had 
 put in to it, than the child hunborn. Ugh ! I feels a rattle 
 in my throat like, when hever Hi thinks hon it ; hand Hi'd
 
 OK, A TERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 109 
 
 pretty veil sworn lias a race-course should never see*^ Bob 
 Bumpus again ; but, lawr, vot ave we to do vitli our- 
 selves ? Its Fate as 'goes a dragging lion us hup hand 
 down, hand round about the vorld, has the Nussmaids 
 does the babbies liin them there prambleaters, hand, like 
 the poor hinfants, ve may scream hourselves black hin the 
 face ; hit vont be no elp to us, hand a race-course vos 
 natral like, to me hand poor Tatters ! so ve found our- 
 selves (\mXe permiscus hat the last Derby ; and vile I vos 
 a Talking vith my ands hin my pockets, (vere they ad it hall 
 to their selves,) Ned Lancaster, Jennings' trainer, touches 
 me hon the shoulder, a cold shiver ran hall through me, 
 and down my back-bone, like winter rain down a 
 spout at his touch, hand I* says, ' Pawes hofF Pompey !* 
 says I, ' for I haint a going to have nothink more to do 
 with none hof ye.' 
 
 " ' Bumpus, my man,' says he, ' don't ee be such a 
 woundy fool as for to go for to quarrel with your bread 
 hand butter.' 
 
 " ' I haint no happetite for bread and butter,' growled I, 
 short and «harp, has Tatters hisself 
 
 " ' Nonsense, Bob, I've got a job for yer,' says he. 'Aven't 
 you got a brother as is a schoolmaster ?' 
 
 " ' Veil, and vot if I have ? don't the gents tell us as goes 
 a-flaring hup about the country at Mechanics Hinstitoots, 
 hand such like, that the Schoolmaster his abroad V 
 
 " ' Gammon !' says Lancaster. 
 
 " ' So hit his, hand no mistake.' 
 
 " 'But I've a snug job for you, Bumpus — certain gain — 
 no risk, and no trouble.' 
 
 " ' I von't ave none hof your jobs,' says I ; ' for there's 
 more of the same hemp a growing as made the rope as 
 hung Jennings, and the same hacorn has foaled his last 
 oj-s can foal more.'
 
 1 1 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 *''Hit haint nothing consarning lieither osses nor jockeys, 
 says he ; hit's hall hin the hinnocent line — merely to put 
 a little boy to school hat your brother's, down at Field 
 Fleury, and hax, nor hanswer no questions. You'll be paid 
 by a nobleman, like a prince ; for he'll give you fifty pun 
 a year for yourself, giving you the first fifty hin advance ; 
 hand hif you'll jist step with me behind the stand, I'll 
 bring yer to his lordship, who vill also pay your brother 
 fifty pun a year for the young gent's sculing, till further 
 notice.' 
 
 ^'I began to give way, for I thought with fifty pun a year 
 I should be hable to make a honest ooman of poor Polly 
 at last, hand I knowed has that vos vot she vos a fretting 
 about hand a hankering arter. • ' Hand pray,' says I, stick- 
 ing my hat a one side hand taking hout my betting-book 
 to do business, 'who's to hinsm^e me hand Moses the 
 riglar payment of these here two fifty puns a year?' 
 'Oh, the nobleman's Lyer ill do that.' *Ugh/ says I, 
 'talking Lyers haint the way to make a cove agreeable.' 
 ' Oh, but hits the vay to make the money sure,' says he. 
 This vos vot they calls a conwincing hargeement ; so 
 Bumpus vos took, hand led like a lamb to the slaughter, 
 that his, behind the stand, to the party as vos to fork hout 
 the shiners ; hand there I sees a little hatomy of a feller, 
 a stannmg vith his ands hin his pockets, his eels close 
 together, cheek by jowl, hand his feet turned straight hand 
 stiff" hout, like the two harms of a sign-post a pinting 
 hout two different roads, his ead hin the hair, has hif a 
 trying to make the most hof his self, hand his little 
 sharp-pinted nose a follering hon the hexample of his ead, 
 hand looking for hall the vorld has hif it vos a trying ard 
 for a day's fishing among the clouds, vile his little grey 
 heyes seemed continually a looking round the comer at 
 his ears, vithout his hever a moving on liis neck.
 
 OB, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. Ill 
 
 " ' That baiut no nobleman,' says I, a lieyeing lion him 
 from ead to foot, vich vonit arf a minute's vork, 'Bumpus 
 knows better, for, in fact, he knows vere you comes 
 from.' 
 
 " ' No, no, my friend,' squeaks he. 
 " * No friends, if you please,' says I, a stepping back a 
 pace or two ; 'familiarity breeds contempt, hand that's a 
 breed has never vins hon hany course, leastvays hin the 
 long run.' 
 
 " 'I vos honly a going to hobserve,' says Squeaker, * as 
 you vos quite right ; I ham not his lordship, I ham honly 
 a Lyer.' 
 
 " ' Hit's hall the same thing,' says Ned Lancaster. 
 " ' Wery hoften,' says I. 
 
 " ' Lancaster ave told you the business I required hof 
 you,' says Squeaker, 'hare you ready to hundertake it, 
 hand to preserve the strictest secrecy hon the subject V 
 
 " ' Praps I ham, praps I haint ; and spose I vos ? vot,' 
 says I, a holding hout my hand, 'is to conweii Bob 
 Bumpus's two lips hinto one hof them there hadhesive 
 henwellops?' 
 
 " ' This,' says Squeaker, taking hout a long red puss, 
 ftdl hof Queen Wictoria's picturs. I took hof my at has 
 a lyal subjec oit, for that's a vay in vich no one can never 
 see too much hof her majesty. ' Five-hand- twenty down 
 now,' continues Squeaker, 'hand five-hand-twenty more 
 ven I delivers hup the young gent to you, this day two 
 months, hat the railway hotel, Paddington ; and twelve 
 pun ten to be paid you by me, at the the same hotel, evry 
 quarter ; and twenty-five, sent to your brother at Field 
 Fleury, purwided you neither of you ever ask the child 
 (whose name is Walter Selden) no questions, nor seek to 
 find hout the nobleman's name, whose hagent I ham ; not
 
 112 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 has you liever vould find it liout, for I've so many noble- 
 men hamong my clients/ and here Squeaker gave a toss 
 huj) to his ead has seemed has hif he must a pulled 
 hit clean hout o' the socket, 'but, above hall/ continues 
 he, 'you must not tell none hof your sociates, nor no one 
 belonging to you, hany hof the particklars hof this ere 
 little harrangement ; hif you do, I shall soon find hit hout, 
 hand your hannuity vdll be stopped immejet ; but if so be 
 has you agrees to these here conditions, here his han had- 
 ditional five pun note for you, to fit yourself hout re- 
 sj^ectable, for hin course hit would never do for you 
 to come for to take the young gent to scule in them there 
 rags/ 
 
 " ' Veil,' says I, a pussing hup my mouth to foUer suit 
 with my heyes, which vos fixed like hon the puss in 
 Squeaker's hand, 'I hain't a nobleman, nor heven a gent ; 
 but hif, by taking hoffice myself, the hoffice of hagent for 
 honknown noblemen's hincumbered hestates, I can pur- 
 wide for hall my relations, vy, I should be wuss than 
 heither, hif I did not do so ; but, mind ee,' says I, to the 
 Lyer chap, has he began a hopening the net to take hout 
 the goold fish, — ' You've a got Bob Bumpus dog cheap, you 
 ave, — considering the secret he's to keep ; for poor has he 
 his, he never kep nothing to hisself, in his life, hand his 
 mind least of hall, for hit was allays share, hand share 
 alike, has far has he was consarned ; and sure enough, 
 though I can't sniff no harm in the matter has yet, the 
 aving to keep it so close, sits as easy on my mind as a 
 supper of Welsh rabbits and crows' gizzards vould on my 
 stomach ; hand, hindeed, I thinks has I should fairly bust 
 hat once, like one of them there detonhating balls, hif so 
 be, as I did not make a clean breast hof it to the walls 
 hand stones hof Limnmi ; no fear of tJiey repeating no-
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 113 
 
 think, for, if they was hever for to go for to tell vot they 
 sees hand hears ! vy, lawr ! the vorld voukl be hat a'hend 
 afore you could say Jack Robinson !' 
 
 "But to think too has heven that ere short transaction with 
 a Lyer should ave brought me hinto sich trouble ! for ven 
 he had counted hout the yaller boys to me, hand I had 
 stowed 'em away hin that ere stocking as I allays carries 
 about me hin case of a vindfall ; hand I turns round to 
 Ccill Tatters. Tatters had put his foot hin it, for he 
 vos lost ! gone ! no vere to be found ! Veil, as I said 
 afore, it vont bear thinking hon ! hand heven these, hall 
 the tatters has I've got left, I must get rid on, cause, 
 forsooth ! I'm to ave the honom- of being bear-leader to 
 some lords. Veil, for sartin sure, it is a queer, cross- 
 grained, blow hot, blow cold, false weight, and false 
 measured vorld, hin vich hevery von his allays a playing 
 their game o'contraries, hand contrairy enough to hall 
 justice hand common sense it his, hand no mistake !" 
 
 But, in order to relieve feelings that were " too deep for 
 words," Mr. Bumpus began to whistle the popular 
 melody of the " Ratcatcher's Daughter," and to this ac- 
 companiment puUed out the stocking that officiated as his 
 strong box, and holding it open from the top in both 
 hands, he looked inquiringly and admiringly down into it, 
 as Alexander von Humboldt, or PHny the elder, might 
 have done into the crater of some newly-discovered vol- 
 cano. And, while he was making mental calculations 
 more financial than scientific, as to how soon the golden 
 lava within would be moulten, into the realization of an 
 ambition he had long cherished, the morning of the 
 Minories gave its second yawn, and from a neighbour- 
 ing Tom and Jerry shop let out a n3rmph with one 
 dilapidated-looking infant on her back, and two 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 114 THE AVORLD AND HIb WIFE; 
 
 ambulating squalidities crawling at lier side ; while, in 
 her own nncertain gait, there was more of spirit than of 
 grace. As there was nothing mercenary in Mr. Bumpus's 
 senthnents, words, or relationships with the fair (?) sex, 
 he, at this apparition, almost mechanically replaced his 
 wealth within his bosom, a proceeding that was perhaps 
 hastened by the tin-aj)paratus of an early breakfast pur- 
 veyor, at the same time arriving and establishing herself, 
 ■svith all her mise-en-scene of fire, water, kettles, cauldrons, 
 sugar, chicory, bread, and butter, at the opposite corner of 
 the street to that at which he had just poured forth his 
 soliloquy. So, merely taking time for a mental delectation 
 as to the somewhat apocryphal account of his being made 
 Ambassador-Extraordinary in this mission, which he had 
 given his mother, and resolving to give a rechauffe of it to 
 Polly, he gave three sonorous, not to say savage, A-HEMS ! 
 and looked correspondingly up and down, the turn of the 
 street, which did not, however, deter the " Traviata'' with 
 the three little victims, from accosting him with — 
 
 "I spose as yow. haint took nothink yet? so it taint no 
 use a haxing hon you for a drain o' summut. But do give 
 us a drop if you can, there's a jolly old chap, for I'm sure 
 by the look on you, as yer can feel for a feller-cretur in 
 distress, for you don't look as if the pump had had the 
 weaning of you, you don't ; no, very different from that, 
 for there's no dependence^ to be placed in noses, if cream 
 of the walley aint your nattral helement." 
 
 " Come, be hoff, hor I'll give yer in charge," growled 
 Mr. Bumpus, with an austerity of virtue in the inflection 
 of his voice, which seemed to resent the way in which the 
 plumes of his purity had been ruffled by even the verbal 
 breath of alcohol, as he retied his bundle with a degree of 
 muscular energy, that almost caused the empty flask Avithin 
 it to collapse.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 115 
 
 " You'll give me in charge, indeed ! that's a good lui, 
 and of course yer in an inry about it, as youVe a got to 
 breakfast with the Lord Mayor arter, and then to take 
 Queen Wictoree down to Greenwich fair, hon a spree, 
 honly take care has Prince Halbert haint jealous, cause 
 you're sich a honkinnnen andsonie man, you are ; so and- 
 some, that I should like a lock of yer air afore the court 
 ladies jobs it all out hin lockets, and sich like ; and I'll 
 see if I can't git 'a andful of it, too," said the virago, 
 nuiking a clutch at Mr. Bumpus's capillary adornments in 
 so bellicose a manner that, had poor Tatters been at the 
 scene of action, he would have infallibly made her antici- 
 pate the fate of Jezabel, in defending his master ; not 
 that even in that case the clamour could have exceeded 
 that of the yells ! now set up by the three juvenile 
 aspirants for public sympathy ; who, like the free-admis- 
 sion claqueurs at a theatre, wanted both discrimination 
 and discretion, in the hubbub it was their especial mission 
 in appropriate places to get u]^. 
 
 "Would you!" cried the amazon, drawing her digital 
 forceps from Mr. Bumpus, and administering a sharp slap 
 in the face to one of the vocalists, whom she accosted by 
 the not inappropriate name of "Pinch ;" while the other 
 she shook till the small supply of breath that seemed in 
 its poor attenuated little body was nearly shaken out of 
 it, to the accompanying cognomen of " Skins." 
 
 " What do you mean, Pinch ? a waistin on your 
 hagonies hon a hempty street, vere there harnt no cus- 
 tomers ; close that ere colerer hospital o' youm this minute, 
 hor hclse I'll find a hundertaker has shall screw yer down 
 in good arnest. And you must begin, too, yer good-for- 
 nothink Skins ! I'll teach yer the rale tunc on it, by not 
 letting yer ave, no, not as much bread as would feed a 
 
 i2
 
 116 
 
 midge the whole of this here blessed day, if yer don't stop 
 directly." 
 
 "For shame!" interposed Bob; " to treat your poor 
 children so inhimianly." 
 
 '•' It haint no business of yonrn how I treats 'em, and 
 you must be a green un, you must, to spose they're my 
 brats ; I knows better nor that, thank you. I hires 'em 
 hout hat sixpence a dayheach, from a "Dying-child Club," 
 has a Jewess keeps in Houndsditch, hand ow do you think 
 as I'm to pay sich eavy hixpences, and make hany profits 
 lion the business besides, if I let these here hiu'chins waste 
 their talents lion liempty streets ? And," added the wretch, 
 in a sort of cameying tone, as she pushed the matted, 
 light, sun-bm-nt and weather-beaten hair off of the pale 
 forehead of her eldest victim, so as to shew more of his 
 wan face and heavy eyes, " Pinch, Avhen he's a good boy, 
 can do his hagonies beautiful ! he can, hand have took't 
 hill many a docter, who've thought it war colerer, hand no 
 mistake ; and then mother (!) always gives him a good 
 glass o' summut at night, when he have took't plenty of 
 copper colerer pills in the day, don't she ? And Skins can 
 be a good giirl, too, when she likes, and come the starvation 
 dodge in a vay has would do credit to a reglar famine 
 hand take hin a whole Board of Guardians ; it's quite tip- 
 top, her hacting is, when she chuse." 
 
 "Poor little cretms," said Bob, rising from the hard 
 settle upon which he had been seated, and crossing the 
 street to the breakfast-stand, where the woman had now 
 arranged her whole equipage of large blue cups, kettles, 
 milk-jugs, loaves of bread, and lumps of butter. " Poor 
 little creturs ! I don't believe as there's any hacting in 
 that Come, turn to, and see how much coffee and bread 
 and butter you can make disappear in arf a hour, and I'll 
 pay for it."
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 117 
 
 And to prove that this was no vain " mockery of woe," 
 he held up a five-shilling piece before the now alert coffee- 
 vendor, to shew that he really did mean to keep the 
 unities, and bestow on "Pinch" and "Skins" a grant 
 from the crown. 
 
 " Hooky ! von't I do my hagonies jolly, arter such a 
 blow-out!" and in the exuberance of his gratitude, the 
 plastic Pinch turned a somersault, by spreading out the 
 palm of his right hand on the pavement, and all in per- 
 forming a graphic tableau vivant of the Isle of Man arms, 
 the third leg being represented by an arm, he conveyed 
 liimself to the other side of the street, where he alighted 
 perpendicularly on his feet, close to the itinerant breakfast- 
 table, on which he leant both his elbows, in eager expec- 
 tation of the comhig feast, while Skins, though less de- 
 monstrative, as befitted her sex, nevertheless, clapped her 
 poor little skinny hands, and declared, if — 
 
 "Mother (!) would only let her eat till she bust, she 
 should be able to do her starvation all the better." 
 
 " Veil, I never \" said that lady, better known among 
 her associates as "Blinking Sal," from a tremulousness of 
 the eye-lids, to which she was subject, " the hidear of your 
 aving so much money, hand a spending hon it hon they 
 brats. God bless yer — do give me a tester to get a glass, 
 for I hant took nothink to-day, nor had nothink for supper 
 this blessed night, but the night air, and it aint no good for 
 the disgestion it aint, as I'm sure you know, kind sir," con- 
 cluded she, dropping a low and respectful curtsey to the 
 crown-piece which Bob still held in his hand. But though 
 Mr. Bumpus's first impulse in giving a breakfast to those 
 poor wretched little victims had been one of genuine and 
 unalloyed kindness, yet, like all great men, he had a great 
 and favourite scheme — no less a one (than in abandoning
 
 118 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 the turf with (which Jennings's untimely end had disgusted 
 him — untimely, inasmuch as that the said Jennings should 
 have been hanged many years before). 
 
 He had resolved, if ever he could realize the funds, to 
 associate himself with an equestrian troop, and, if fortune 
 smiled upon him, eventually to become the proprietor of 
 one. The fifty pounds a-year he had so unexpectedly come 
 into possession of had enabled him, within the last week, 
 to put this project into practice, by having purchased, for 
 a premium of twelve pounds a quarter, the honour of 
 having his name aj^pear on the placards of the Circus as 
 its nominal proprietor, for wliich he was to beat up 
 recruits for the troop, take the money at the door, play clown 
 on alternate nights, and sing a comic song occasionally, 
 when the performance was slow, or the audience low ; 
 by this means, he could still indulge his love for horses 
 harmlessly ; and might, perhaps, in his various tours 
 again fall in with Tatters, as it was in a Circus he had 
 first met with that inestimable friend and companion. 
 Foreign affairs are always, whether socially or politically, 
 comparatively easy to transact ; it is in the home depart- 
 ment that the hitch generally arises ; and, as jMr. Bumpus 
 neared the bosom of his family, or rather the family of his 
 bosom, which are far from being always sjrnonymous, 
 (more especially in "moral England!") he began to fear 
 the obstacles he might have to contend against from Polly 
 Marsham, who, on account of her daughter, whom, as he 
 was wont to express it, she was, poor soul, as particklar 
 about " as if shed a bin reglar quality, and all straiglit 
 on both sides,'' he was not sure would much reHsh his 
 hippodromic enterprise. 
 
 " But lawr,'' continued he, as he rapidly, as minister of 
 the interior, cast a glance over the j>/'OS, and cons, of his
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 110 
 
 position. " Poor soul ! as Fm a going to make a honest 
 ooman hof her at last, she's shure to be agreeable to hevry 
 think helse ; heven hif so be, as her husban, I was to 
 hinsist hon her riding the wicioiisest oss in the troop, 
 hand jumping througli one of them there paper moons 
 every night, for her honey-moon.'' And while revolving 
 these matters in his mind it was, that Mr. Bumpus's Cen- 
 taur perceptions had been struck with the immense gjnn- 
 nastic capabilities of Pinch, and with the vivicla vis animd 
 wliich distinguished all his plans, he instantly resolved on 
 one, to rescue those unfortunate children from their 
 present miserable and precarious existence, for one that 
 was, at least, spangled over with the tinsel of spurious 
 excitement; and carrying out this scheme would also 
 afford him the real pleasure of circumventing Blinking 
 Sal, to whom he owed a grudge, for the hostile intentions 
 she had so recently manifested towards him. So, in reply 
 to her modest request for refreshments at his hands, he 
 placed the five-shilling-piece in those of the purveyor of 
 coffee, saying he would return in a minute or two for the 
 change ; " and then, my lass,'' added he, addressing 
 Blinking Sal, "you shall have sperits enough." 
 
 " There's a trump !" cried the grateful nymph, slapping 
 her hands more joyously than gracefully, " I know'd as 
 you was one of the right sort, the moment as I set eyes 
 on you." 
 
 "Ah !" said Mr. Bumpus, with a facetious little twinkle 
 of his dexter eye (as he disappeared round the corner), 
 which quite threw Blinking Sal's habitual occular gym- 
 nastics into the shade. " I s'pose I'm a beauty 
 now?" 
 
 " In course you hare, andsome liis, has andsome does," 
 responded the lady, " or my name's not Blinkbig Sal." To
 
 120 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 which compliment, the subject of it discappeared, sonorously 
 chanting the refrain of 
 
 " "What a beauty I did grow, did grow, did grow, 
 "What a beauty I did grow." 
 
 The Egyptian Priests told Herodotus, that since their first 
 King reigned, then eleven thousand years before that period, 
 the sun had changed his coui'se four times, and in like 
 manner, we have to inform the reader, that on quitting 
 Blinking Sal, Mr. Bumpus, albeit a very difierent sort of 
 luminary, likewise changed his course four times before 
 he could meet with — what Herodotus, with all his savoir 
 had never heard of, and might have experienced equal 
 difficulty in discovering if he had, to wit, a policeman ; at 
 length, having turned down his favourite locale, Eastcheap, 
 within a door or two of his "old familiar friend, the 
 Boar's Head," which he frequented when in London, 
 quite as much as Shakespeare, Ben Johnson, and the 
 other choice spirits of that time did in their day, Bob 
 espied a rigid bale of blue cloth, finishing its morning nap 
 against a post, which he concluded, was at least the fossil 
 remains of a detective ; so walking up to it, and finding 
 upon examination, that it was a real live policeman, such 
 as any cook, without circumnavigating the globe, might 
 have sworn to, he accosted the " Sleeping Beauty " on the 
 wood, with 
 
 " Hello ! " Pleeseman ! you be wanted, please ; I wants 
 to give a ooman in charge, up yander, coruer o' the Mino- 
 ries, for using hon three poor children shameful bad ! 
 childem as ain't hmii, but as she ave hired from one of 
 them there Dying Child and Shocking Haccident Clubs ; 
 she's a reglar female ruffian, she is, a rogue hand waga- 
 bond, and no mistake."
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 121 
 
 But as people will go on judging from appearances, 
 even policemen, or rather more especially Policeman 
 Sergeant Snack of the K division, though not yet wide 
 awake, still eyed Mr. Bumpus with his one available optic, 
 while he rubbed up the other into its wonted clearness, 
 and at the conclusion of this cursory survey of that gen- 
 tleman's outward man, repeated his last words. 
 
 "Rogue and vagabond indeed 1" adding, "come, you'd 
 better be off, and take yom' gammon to another market, 
 unless you want me to take you along with me/' 
 
 "Lawr bless you," said Bob, imtwisting one of the 
 wisps of hay and straw, that formed his travelling-boots. 
 " Hall's not goold has glitters, neither his all has his rags, 
 rogues. I'm a spectable man, I assure you, though no one 
 mightn't spose it, to look at me ; I lodges here close by, 
 hon Tower-hill, ven I'm in Lunnun, at Mrs. Ray's, as 
 keeps the little chaney-shop ; and what's more," continued 
 he, withdi-awing for the policeman's inspection a piece of 
 paper from his bosom, " you wouldn't know me a couple 
 o' hours hence, ven Moses have took his profits hout o' 
 me. Crikey ! shan't Hook as bright as the brazen sarpent, 
 for I'm a going to be made a happy pair hon to-day, hand 
 here's the license, a fust-class ticket, you see, no publish- 
 ing o' bans or being axed hin church, or sich like — that 
 wam't genteel ! " 
 
 And while Sergeant Snack was spelling over the names 
 of Robert Bumpus, and Mary Marsham, both of the Tower 
 Hamlets, as set forth in the license, the bridegroom elect 
 drew a sovereign from his hoard, well knowing that to be 
 a far more conclusive guarantee for his respectability than 
 any verbal ones he could coin. 
 
 " Now, look you here, " resumed he, tendering the gold 
 in exchange for the license, which the policeman now
 
 122 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 returned him. " I don't want they two poor children to 
 be no hexpense to the parish, I don't, if so be has you can 
 honly git em took care on in the workus till the day arter 
 to-morrow. I knows their parents, (!) wholl be glad 
 enough to get em back, but the parish will have to take 
 care o' the babby, cause I don't know nothin about hit ; 
 babbies haint in my department, you see, I'm more in the 
 oss-flesh or grow'd hup line, but the ooman is a notorious 
 bad keracter, as goes by the flash-name of Blinking Sal/' 
 concluded Mr. Bumpus, with an inward chuckle, to think 
 how opportunely she had betrayed her sohnqtiet, as but 
 for this j)iece of feminine imprudence, he might have 
 ignored it till the day of his death, and moreover been 
 sadly at a loss for evidence to adduce as to his knowledge 
 of her identity. The gold was beginning gradually to 
 work its usual miraculous effect even on Sergeant Snack, 
 who said : 
 
 " Well, I'll step round and inquire at Mrs. Ray's, if 
 what you say, my man, is all true ; and if it is, I'm quite 
 willing to take this Blinking Sal, into custody." 
 
 " Lawr bless yer ! she'll give us the slip if you don't 
 begin by taking her, and gitting them poor children hout 
 hof her clutches, for hit's time enough to hhiquire about 
 me arter. Bob Bumpus will keep, he will ; hand here^s 
 a sovran towards the maintenance of they two poor chil* 
 dren — as that tremenjus female ruffian ! calls Pinch, hand 
 Skins, wherhas it haint no sich a thing, but quite the 
 contrairy of that ; for the boy's Christen name (hit's not 
 for Bob Bumpus to betray no secrets, by saying what 
 their surname his, which, hof course, they ave as good a 
 right to has you hor I ave to ourn) — I was agoing to 
 observe that there was no Skins, nor Pinch, hin the case, 
 nor, indeed, scarcely a pinch of skin betwixt them, poor
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 123 
 
 little creturs; nevertheless, the boy's name is Horlando, 
 hand the gals, Hangeliner— not zackly the sort o' names 
 to be kept huphon workus water-gmel ; for which reason 
 it is, that I wishes to restore them to their disconsolate 
 parients, so has they may hall live appy together hever 
 arter, like the hend of a story-book/' 
 
 But liere a fine bay-horse in its plaid housings, with 
 the initials B. M., worked in scarlet cloth on one comer 
 of them, and lidden by a groom in his fustian dishabille, 
 cpniing at a walking-pace down the street from the Tower, 
 caused the orator to step up on the pavement, and sud- 
 denly to pause in his harangue, from the circumstance of 
 liis being accosted by the equestrian, as he suddenly reined 
 in Merrythought, Captain Mornington's mare, which he 
 was taking out to exercise. 
 
 " Hello ! Bob Bumpust ! where the Derby did yoib 
 spring from? I should as soon have thought of seeing 
 a mushroom growing in Piccadilly, or Mr. Luther a betting 
 at Tattersall's — ha ! ha ! ha !" 
 
 " Nothink impossible," laughed Mr. Bumpus, shaking 
 hands with the groom, " honless it be making a welwet 
 puss out of a sow's ear, or a rale Christian hout of one of 
 they modern saints ; but who knows ? niver despair, 
 Spriggs : and, p'raps, one of these days we may see 
 Mister Luther a wentering a few hundreds hon the Pale 
 Oss Stakes ! And as for Madam Mornington ! don't you 
 know as her wery petticuts is starched with sanctity ! So 
 in course, has befits a helderly gentlevoman hin the 
 Methody Ime, she 
 
 " ' Sarches hout her sperits hin the night season.' '* 
 
 This quotation Bob emphasized, by placing his right fore- 
 finger perpendicularly at the side of his nose, and winking
 
 124! THE ^YOIlLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 his right eye ; after which charming, though by no means 
 novel piece of pantomime, he added, interrogating Spriggs 
 personally, for his own satisfaction — " But though I haint 
 a Yankee (for vich hand hall hotlier mercies I ham 
 truly thankful), still, I ave got jist sufficient curosity to 
 make me vish to know hunkimmen, vot brmgs you hinto 
 this part of the world, little Leathers?" 
 
 *'■ Oh ! I'm here on dooty ; that is, the Cappen is on dooty 
 at the Tower. It's purdijus slow, to be sure — almost as 
 bad as Mornington Manor — only there amt so much 
 lifting hup of the voice, and flumping down hon the 
 knees, as Madam Mornington makes us go through ; but 
 still, the stagnation of hanimal life his awrful ! hand no 
 hamount of the Humane Sursiety's remedies — has far has 
 blankets, hand brandy hand water goes — seems of the 
 least awail hin restoring suspended hanimation. There's 
 billiards hand backy, to be sure, hand the hofficers has 
 a variety that we haven't ; for all the morning they smoke 
 cigars, hand hall the hevening they smokes the chaplain. 
 But the Cappen, he'se now a got Sir Hugh de Byons and 
 Mr. Thornberry ' confined in the Tower' with him, has 
 he calls it, hand I vish as they was further. For Sir 
 Hugh, he's a persuading hon the Cappen to take him 
 down to Mornington Manor for a little good shooting; 
 but I suspect he've started the game there, already, and 
 that the reason he don't trouble the cappen's Manillas is, 
 that there's hother weeds more to his fancy down at 
 Field-Fleury." 
 
 " Ay, and birds of a feather flocks together, hand that 
 'ere maid of Madame Delmar's, Miss Carew Patty, — a gal 
 to my mind, as his hunkimmen ]iatty," re-winked Mr. 
 Bumpus, with a happy mixture of abandon and j^ersiflage, 
 as he facetiously poked Spriggs in the left side, with tlie
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 125 
 
 crook of his oaken stick, still graced as that baton was 
 >vith tlie blue bundle containing his luggage. 
 
 '' Come now, Bob, he quiet ; I haint in no humour lor 
 none hof your nonsense. You can't hexpect a feller to be 
 hin sperits hin tliis 'ere dungeon hof a place/' said 
 Spriggs, parrying both thrusts, by stooping down to pat 
 the mare's neck, as he added, "heven poor Merry- 
 thought thinks has long as she's here, the sooner she 
 chano:es her name the better." 
 
 " As I be a going to do," responded Mr. Bumpus, with 
 all the solenmity so strange an annomicement demanded. 
 
 " Cliange your name ! What ? You've never a bin 
 left a fortin like the quality, have you Bob ? hin which 
 case they hare always obleeged to call theirselves names." 
 
 *' Change my name, what ham I thinking hon ? No ; 
 I didn't mean zackly that heithei", that vos a putting the 
 cart afore the oss, but here's the ticket," added he, putting 
 the marriage-Kcense into Spriggs's hand. " Vot I meant 
 vos, as hat eleven to-day I'm a gomg to be made a appy 
 pair hon, hup at the Tower — my young ooman hand me, 
 hand the Chaplain of the Forces his the clerical Calcraft, 
 has his to ficiate hon the hoccasion. Arter, veil ave a blovr- 
 hout hat the Boar's Head, vot the noosepapeis call quite 
 ' private and select' like, vich means, has there von't be 
 nobody there to signify, honly the bride hand bridegroom, 
 in coorse. Mrs. Kay, hour landlady, her sister-hin-law, 
 poor Ruby Eay, who, though turned two-hand-thirty, ave 
 bin hiimocent hever since she war seven year old. Jack 
 Rosinscrape, the mate of the " Hans Van Kelp," now 
 lying in the river, he've bhi, as you know, twice round the 
 vorld, ave Jack, hand never met with his match hon the 
 fiddle, nor hat the pestle-and-mortar step in a onipipe, as 
 you know Spriggs; that's the list of the company, vith
 
 126 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Muster Thomas Si^riggs, hiff he'll do hus the honor 
 o' joining on us ?" 
 
 " Most proud hand ajDpy," said Spriggs, lifting up his 
 cap, '' but haint your mother hand brothers come hup for 
 the lueddin V 
 
 "Hi'm of hage/' rejoined Mr. Bumpus stolidly, "there 
 haint no nercessity for hall that looking arter ; besides, 
 my mother his wedded to her wash-tub, Moses to his 
 birch, hand Ned to his brush, so vot's the use o' disturb- 
 ing hon em T 
 
 " Well, but ave'nt you got never a yomig lady for a 
 partner for me?" inquired Spriggs, with an air gaillard, 
 meant quite to dispel any illusions Mr. Bumpus might 
 have entertained respecting his admiration for Miss Patty 
 Carew. 
 
 "Veil, there's Mabel, as far as she goes," said Mr. 
 Bmnpus, pulling his right ear, as if that could have 
 lengthened her, as well as that appendage. 
 
 " As fur as she goes," echoed Spriggs with a laugh ; 
 " why, how fur does she go ?" 
 
 " Honly has fur has five year hand three months." 
 
 " Wliew !" whistled Spriggs, children not being in his 
 line any more than "babbies" were in Mr. Bumpus's. 
 
 " But who is Mabel ?" re-interrogated Spriggs. 
 
 "Vy, she's the darter of Mrs. Bob Bumpus has his 
 to be." 
 
 " Oh, then you're hin the ready-made, and second-hand 
 line, Bob, for it seems has your hintended his a vidder ?" 
 
 " Thereabout,'' but as Mr. Bumpus did not choose to 
 enter into any more lucid explanation on the subject, he 
 intuitively adopted the Parliamentary j;?*s cdler of picking- 
 holes in his interrogator's department, for stepping back 
 a little, as if forcibly struck (again to borrow from
 
 OK, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 127 
 
 St. Stephen's by what was only a scarecrow set up to 
 parry a fact), he suddenly exclaimed, 
 
 " Hello ! Spriggs, you've got that ere girth too 
 tight." 
 
 " Ave I ? "' said the half-doubting, but still yielding 
 Spriggs. " Well, just put it right, will you ?" 
 
 And once more, Mr. Bumpus evinced his legislative 
 acimien, by after an ohllgato amount of fumbling, leaving 
 thmgs precisely as they were. 
 
 " As I tell the Cappen," said Spriggs, who now having 
 the reins in his o\mi hand, had a right to say what he 
 pleased " hif coming to this here confounded tower, warn't 
 honly an occasional thing, I should certainly give him 
 warning, for kep hin this place, osses aint no credit to 
 one ; no more nor if they was bus osses, hand, hendeed, 
 has I says to him, hif hit was to be a constant hinstead of 
 quite a permiscus thing, hour being hon dooty here, he 
 might ride sich dog's meat hif he pleased, but he shouldn't 
 make me do it." 
 
 "Lawi-?" said Mr. BumiDus, in his most facetious and 
 complimentary strain, delighted at having put Spriggs on 
 another scent. " You ! needn't mind vot cattle you rides ; 
 a stud-groom's allays a stud-groom ; it's he has sets hoft' 
 the OSS, hand not the oss has sets, hor hever throws him 
 hoff. Did you hever ear the werses I made hon that wery 
 subjec, last Hoctober meeting ?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 '* Lawr bless yer ! the leterairy gent, has does the 
 horiginal jokes, hand sich like, hin ' Bell's Life,' hand 
 sevral bother veekly papers, hoffered me a five pun note 
 for 'em, if so be has I'd let him ave 'em to prent ; but I 
 said no, for hif they was voth five pun to him has had 
 nothink to do with 'em ; in course they was voth double
 
 128 THE "WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 that to me, the iiiwenter. Now look hup, Spriggs, there's 
 money bid for yer; clear the course, here they comes ! 
 
 The groom as is slack, 
 Vill ride a lean hack ; 
 Hand him vots a snoh, 
 Steps hout hon a cob ; 
 Eut he as is stud, 
 Sports nothink but blood.* 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! that's good," laughed the appreciating 
 Spriggs, accompanied by a cachinnatory falsetto from 
 Sergeant Snack, who from Spriggs's diluted "Morning Post" 
 about the " Cappen," Sir Hugh de Byons, and Mr. Thorn- 
 bery, no longer doubted Bob's " respectability," notwith- 
 standing the post-mortem appearance of his garments- 
 
 * Not yet having got into the way of it, that is, not yet 
 being able to turn literary Elibustier, by having a Eoutledge 
 for the puffs financial, and a Fudgester, for the puffs and 
 perjuries critical, the author thinks it better at once openly 
 and honestly to state, for fear of being given in charge to 
 some literary detective of the A. S. S. division, and sent to 
 their House of Correction, that these lines which Mr. 
 Bumpus, like a true genius, so shamefully palmed off on 
 his friend Spriggs, as perfectly original ! are nothing more 
 than a flagrant parody upon those charming and classical 
 lines on modern female costume, which last year appeared 
 in '• Punch," and have since become "familiar as household" 
 It is perhaps superfluous to say we allude to 
 
 *' The woman what's thin, or lean, 
 G-ets into crinoline. 
 Her, what's a figure, 
 Don't need be bigger. 
 But them blow'd out bags 
 Identifies Scrags,"
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 129 
 
 Still SO graduated is the comparative anatomy of the 
 comme il faiit in the social scale, that a man who was 
 evidently an intimate acquaintance of the stud-groom of 
 an officer in the Grenadier Guards, and moreover, had 
 some sort of local habitation in that officer's country-quar- 
 ters, could not in the sagacious opinion of Sergeant Snack, 
 be a rogue and vagabond, whatever he might appear ; and 
 moreover, it was really most humane of him to wish to 
 rescue those j^oor children, and restore them to their 
 parents — the sovereign proved that. So the steps of Blink- 
 ing Sal's progress as Queen of the Beggars were for that 
 day at least numbered ; as Sergeant Snack, after having 
 let off" his laugh, and again got up his official decorum, 
 turned roimd, and touching Mr. Bumpus with the end of 
 his thin yellovv^ reed-looking cane lightly on the arm with 
 one hand, while with the other he drew out his large silver 
 watch, and consulted it, said — 
 
 '•' Five minutes after six ; come my man, the time's a 
 getting on, and if you wish to give this woman in charge, 
 we'd better be moving." 
 
 " Woman hiti charge! what woman ?" inquired Spriggs. 
 " Ope there aint no just cause or himpediment why these 
 two should not be jined together in oly matrimony ? 
 Nothink o' that sort, eh ? I never know'd as you was in 
 the gay deceiver line afore ; but still there's no saying, for 
 I thinks as you comes hout strong-er hand strong-er 
 hevry time I sees you." 
 
 "YouVe a saddled the wrong oss, hand taken the 
 wrong road, so jist be so good has to turn back, hand 
 drop them there liinsiniwations hon the moniing has a 
 feller his going to be made a happy pair hon." 
 
 '' No offence, man, I was honly a shoving hon you hup 
 among the quality, who has always no hend of strings — 
 leastways of petticoat-strings, to their bow — married or 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 130 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 single, makes no difterence, liexcept has tlie married luis 
 is the wust of the two." 
 
 " Hold hon there 1" said Mr. Bumpus. " A man's not 
 a oss, cause he appens to be born hin a stable ; nor ham- 
 munition, cause his mother chanced to be in a hurry hand 
 he was hushered hinto vot ^ladame Mornington calls this 
 wale o'tears, o'top hof a baggage-waggon ; hand it haint 
 cause a cove appens to be fond hof the turf, that he 
 should be given hup to hevry bother wice, like the nobg 
 hand gents, has he his liable to meet there." 
 
 "Whew !" whistled Spriggs : "but bellow! where the 
 onaccomitables is Tatters hall this while ? cause hof course 
 he's to be groom's man at the weddin ?" 
 
 "Ay, vere is he ? indeed ! poor feller ! that's just vot I 
 vishes has you, nor liany von helse could tell me ? hit's 
 jist a iTivnth hand two days to-day since he vos ticed avay 
 or stolen from me hat the Derby. I've put advertisements 
 most hin hevry paper about him, the Times, BelVs Life, 
 The Hera, hand VeeMy Dispatch, a hoffering a reward 
 hof five pounds liif any one would bring him to the 
 Boar's Ead, Heast-Cheap. I heven ^^Tote to Sadsieal to 
 know vere he vos ? hand hif so be, has hever I should see 
 him agm, not saying as he vos a dog, cause has Sadsteal 
 his a conjurer hand strologer, and sich like, in course he 
 ort to know hall about it without my telling hon him." 
 
 " Poor Tatters ! I am unkimmen sorry as he's lost ! to 
 be sure ; for I think he wor liout, hand hout, the cleverest 
 daug has hever I see ! But did Sadsteal tell you as you 
 would get him back ?" 
 
 " ' Oh lawr ! that vos a go ! he -^Tites back to say, as he 
 could tell me nothink for sartin, honless I could give him 
 the hegzact day hand hour hof the imrtys birth. Veil, I 
 knowed that werry veil, cause I bespoke him from the 
 clown hof Chepstow's Circus afore he vos born, hagreeing
 
 OK, A PEKSOX OF CONSEQUENCE. 
 
 131 
 
 to give Nonis the clo\vii a sovran for him has soon has 
 his heddication was comi)leted. So I sends Sadsteal the 
 day hand hour hof the birth, fast enough, never letting 
 hon, about his being a daug, but calling hon him vot he 
 rally vos to me, a dear friend ; '' and this here/' added 
 Mr. Bumpus, withdrawing a letter from his bosom, " his 
 the precious consarn has he sends me back for no hend hof 
 Queen's eads, has I sent him for his fare," and so saying, 
 he opened and handed the letter to Spriggs, which pre- 
 sented the following hieroglyphic, which, indeed, was a 
 perfect one, not only to Spriggs, but even to Sergeant 
 Snack, as it differed so widely from any, either photograph 
 
 or autograph, that he had yet seen, while underneath was 
 written in a plain, vulgar, and perfectly uncabalistic han d 
 "The missing party's return is doubtful; not so his 
 great rise in life ; even to attaining high offices in the 
 State, and basking in the sunshine of Eoyal favour, pro- 
 vided he only avoids the snare of an imprudent marriage, 
 in or about his twenty-third year, and abstains from the 
 
 K 2
 
 132 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 too free use of the alluring, but treacherous juice of the 
 grape, which may cause him to betray secrets of high 
 political import, which is threatened about this time, by 
 Venus entering the sun's house, and Mercury being in 
 a sextile position with Saturn. Still, there would appear 
 to be an error in the date of the Nativity sent, as it is 
 the sixth of June 18 — , which would only make the 
 missing party, three years old ; quaere, should it not have 
 been 18— r' 
 
 "Ha! ha! ha! now jist fancy a hold daug o' twenty- 
 three years of hage a-making hon a himprudent marriage, 
 hand being a more drunken daug nor his master, hand 
 betraying on state secrets, vich there haint no fear hon 
 his master's never doing, seeing has he dont know none. 
 Has for his basking hin the sunshine of ryal favour, that 
 haint by no means so much hout of the cards; for I'm 
 wery sure hif so be has the Queen could only git a chance 
 to see him, she'd soon perfer him to the many hugly dogs 
 has does go to court. Jist look at her Master of the 
 Oss,* for instance ; there's a hugly dog ! hand no mistake. 
 Lawr ! I fear there aint no chance hof poor Tatters a-git- 
 ting a place hat court." 
 
 " Who knows," suggested Spriggs, with a touch of Utili- 
 tarian barbarity — which in the utile, had no scruple in 
 outraging the dulce : — " who knows, p'raps, some day or 
 huther Prince Halbert may be a-wearing hon his skin hin 
 boots." 
 
 But this mode, though only theoretical, of insuring poor 
 Tatters a good footing at court, was too much for his 
 bereaved master, who with a gesture of mingled indigna- 
 tion and disgust, rejoined — 
 
 * Mr. Bumpus did not allude to her Majesty's present 
 handsome and aristocratic-looking Master of the Horse.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 133 
 
 '*0h! now I'm lioff; hand, arter that, the sooner as 
 yon tui'ns butcher the better." 
 
 '' Well, I didn't mean as poor Tatters would die a bit 
 the sooner for that," said Spriggs, apologetically. I 
 honly meant, as living hor dead, I thort has so clever a 
 daug would be sure to come to honour; so tip us the daddle, 
 hold feller ! hand tell me hif I'm to be at St. Peter's at 
 eleven, or only at the Boar, arter the ceremony?" 
 
 "Just as you like," said Bob, somewhat gloomily, 
 putting his hand inflexibly into Spriggs's proffered one, 
 which, indeed, from its straightness and rigidity, Spriggs 
 might well have mistaken (except that it was neither so 
 clean, nor so smooth) for one of those wooden hands upon 
 which he (Spriggs) was wont to clean Captain Morning- 
 ton's gloves, when he was occasionally good enough to 
 oblige Mr. Harvey, the Captain's valet, if the latter was 
 more agreeably engaged. 
 
 " Just as you like," muttered Bob, as he walked away 
 with Sergeant Snack, " some thinks going to church, hon 
 hany pretext, a bore ; so I spose hits hall the same vicli 
 hever you does. Good-bye, Merrythought, my gal," added 
 he, over his shoulder, looking back wistfully at the mare ; 
 " I know as you'd be glad to see something more of poor 
 Tatters again than his skin. Vot can you ave of a cat 
 but hits skin, has the saying his ; but dogs his different, 
 their beauty his more than skin-deep. Poor Tatters ! he's 
 a case hin pint ; for though he vos honly tatters without, 
 ' Solomon, hin hall his glory,' could'nt compare to him 
 within," And at once overwhelmed by the melancholy 
 of this reflection, and bewildered by the brilliancy of the 
 simile, Mr. Bumpus plunged his right hand into his bosom. 
 Nor was he aroused from his reverie till his companion 
 touched him again on the arm with his cane, and said —
 
 134 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 "I hope you're not forgetting the way !" 
 
 " All right," said Bob, with a sort of rousing shake, " ve 
 shall be there hin a minute, hand I'll pint hout the hold 
 wixen to you from round the comer, has she mayn't know 
 has hits I has ave hunhearthed her ; hand vile you's a 
 bagging hon her, hand taking hon her to the station-ouse, 
 I'll take care hon the cubs." 
 
 And so saying, having arrived at the corner of the 
 Minories, Mr. Bumpus made a dead stop, and with the 
 fore and middle finger of his right hand began making a 
 series of pantomimic signs at the back of the unconscious 
 Blinking Sal, who, not being an Argus, little dreamt, as 
 with folded arms she was expressing to the coffee-vendor 
 her sm-prise and conjectures as to the probable cause of 
 Bob's delay, how near to her the treacherous subject of her 
 conversation was. 
 
 " That's hur — there's your parcel— can't call it goods,'' 
 whispered Bob, in a hoarse voice, to Sergeant Snack. 
 " Hoff with her, hand I'll take care of the young uns, has 
 they shant hescape, poor things ; hand ven the magis- 
 trate gives her a month at Brixton, has hin course he vill, 
 hand sends they poor little creturs to the Union, I'll take 
 'em back to their parints hin a day hor two.*' 
 
 Here, as Bob drew back, not to be seen — though the 
 traitor was all the while like the onions in Sidney Smith's 
 salad, " unsuspectedly animating the whole" — Sergeant 
 Snack appeared suddenly, like a dark mass as he was, on 
 BHnking Sal's horizon. 
 
 " So, I've got you at last," said the Sergeant, with the 
 assured familiarity of an old acquaintance, stepping for- 
 ward and seizing his prey. 
 
 " You've got me at last," echoed Blinking Sal, endea*- 
 vouring, with her clenched first, to knock out, at least, one
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 135 
 
 of the policeman's eyes, wliic]i lie, 2)erceiving in time, 
 prevented. '' You've got me at last ! when I'll take my 
 hoath has you never seed me afore, as I ginrally goes 
 westward ; praps, has you knows me so well, yer can tell 
 me my name ! " 
 
 " I should think I could — Blinking Sal ; so come along 
 quietly, for resistance aint of no use." 
 
 Somewhat taken aback by his knowledge of her namOj 
 she had now no alternative but her maternal feelins^s ; 
 so, bursting into a most terrific howl, she sobbed out — ■ 
 " Oh, my poor dear ! dear ! fatherless hinnocents ! what 
 hever luill become on 'em, hif you takes me afore a magis- 
 trate ? Hendeed, hendeed, we wasn't a begging. I've got 
 a basket of pincushions and watch-pockets, and such like, 
 as a good lady as I met last Sabbath, at Hebenezer Chapel, 
 give me to sell ; and I jist stopped to git a bit o' bread 
 from this good ooman here, with the last half-penny I ad, 
 for my j^oor dear chikben ; and was then, and there, a 
 going home for my basket, when you seizes upon me. Oh, 
 my poor children ! my poor children ! what vjill become 
 of them if you takes me ?" 
 
 " Come, come — that dodge wont do ; I know very well 
 the infamous place where you hire those poor children 
 from, and they shall be taken care of, you may depend." 
 
 Perfectly aghast at this information, and ignoring its 
 source and extent. Blinking Sal, now hopeless, and con- 
 sequently desperate, had nothing for it but to rej^lunge 
 into her native Billingsgate, of which she forthwith 
 showered a fresh volley on Snack, as she vainly endea- 
 voured to escape from his grasp. Wliereupon, he, affecting 
 to espy Bob for the first time, cried out — 
 
 " Hello 1 my man — ^be so good as just to lend a hand 
 here, will you ? and lead these poor children for me as 
 far as the Mansion House, while I secure this woman?"
 
 136 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Oh, siibtle serpent— oh, spirit of Talleyrand— oh, dele- 
 terious essence of diplomacy — oh, candour of crocodiles — 
 oh, amiability of asps, whither next wilt thou take refuge^ 
 since even p>obert Bumpus, the milk — nay more, the very 
 cream — of human kindness, could not escape thee ? Thus 
 appealed to, in the cause of "suflfering humanity," (no, 
 that's the Revalenta Arabica) or rather of public justice, 
 which is all the same thing, Mr. Bumpus advanced, with 
 a jaunty air, worthy of an octagenarian premier, and a 
 duplicity that would not have discredited either premier 
 or prelate, and, winking an intente cordiale, over Sergeant 
 Snack's judicial shoulder, at Blinking Sal, as much as 
 to say, " you keep your own counsel, and I'll keep mine, 
 and we'll see if we can't do the peeler," he held out his 
 hand to the coffee-vendor, saying — 
 
 " My change. Missus, please." 
 
 Having received it and transferred it to his waistcoat- 
 pocket, he paternally took Skins in one hand, and Pinch in 
 the other, who, full of gratitude, or at least of breakfast, 
 were nothing loth to confide themselves to the guardian- 
 ship of a cause, which had produced so desirable an effect 
 as unlimited bread and butter. 
 
 Bob was no professed philanthropist, and therefore he 
 had no intention of betraying the confidence the children 
 reposed in him, and if he was not quite so loyal as 
 regarded the woman, what then ? why it only proved that 
 he was a man of the world, a great moralist (!) and perhaps 
 a bit of a genius into the bargain. Misfortune makes all 
 things human find their level, and so Blinking Sal, though 
 generally speaking, little addicted to the softnesses, and 
 silKness of her sex, yet now, like the very weakest of them, 
 seemed to rely implicitly on Bob, and trust her whole fate 
 to the keeping of a man whose acquaintance she had so 
 recently made. Consequently, every five minutes she kept
 
 OR, A. PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. lo7 
 
 turning round to send him some telegraphic despatch, as 
 they wended their way to the Mansion House, but Mr. 
 Bumpus, -with, whose plans this constant surveillance did 
 not at all tally, after having given her one or two oracular 
 Burleigh-Hke nods, retreated several paces in the rear with 
 the childi-en out of hearing, at the same time, signalling to 
 her, that he had a motive for this (as truly he had), and 
 further advising her, by a quick and forward movement of 
 his left hand, to keep her eyes straight before her, and not 
 be looking continually back, as she was certainly not worth 
 the salt, into which Lot's wife had been turned. 
 
 At length, having by this stratagem cleared the course, 
 as he himself expressed it, he usurped his brother Moses's 
 province, and commenced a system of juvenile tuition 
 upon a plan that could not fail to " combine instruction 
 with delight," for they had not proceeded many paces 
 before they met an itinerant purveyor of gastric fevers, in 
 the alluring shape of coloured-comfits and florid fi-escos in 
 sugar, bounded on the north (not like America with the 
 Aurora Borealis, and on the south by the Day of Judgment) 
 but on the north by Bonaparte's ribs, on the south by 
 buU's eyes, on the east by ellycompaine, and on the west 
 by pej^permint-drops, while the interior of the tray, or 
 table-land, was occupied by a rabble of nondescript abomi- 
 nations, the very canaille of Lollypoptamia. Hastily 
 possessing himself of a shilling's worth of these rudiments 
 of bribery and corruption, Mr. Bumpus, after having 
 performed the miserably mean work of supererogation of 
 breaking Buonaparte's ribs, commenced his educational 
 course, .sHghtly altered from Pestalozzi's plan, as having 
 had no difficulty in fixing his pupils' eyes upon the objects 
 he presented to them, he said, with the natural gallantry 
 inherent in all great men, first addressing himself to
 
 138 THE VrORLD AND KK WIFE ; 
 
 Skins, casting a bull's, not a sheep's, eye at her enraptured 
 gaze — 
 
 '•'Vot little gal is this for?" 
 
 " Oh, for me, for Skins," cried she, dancing, and holding 
 up her hand for the prize. 
 
 " No, I don't know no little gal vith sich a hugly name, 
 but I'm particklar hintimate vith the jjarints of a little 
 gal called Hangelinar, hand hif you'll be Hangelinar, and 
 let me take you to your par and mar, you shall ave it." 
 
 *' LsLWY ! ad we ever a par ? a mar I know we ad," said 
 the child, her eyes dilating, as she for a moment forgot 
 even the tempting boon. 
 
 *•' In course you ad, my little dears ; it's naitral for us 
 all to have a par and mar once, honly they's not things has 
 lasts for hever. Now, vot's your name ? hand his hit a 
 name, as his a sweet name, hand deserves this 'ere?" 
 
 " Hano'elscreamar ?" hesitated the child. 
 
 " Hangelinar," corrected Bob. 
 
 " Hangelinar," repeated Skins tliis time, with " due 
 emphasis and discretion," as like " Fair ox-eyed Juno" she 
 kept both of ^ hers, steadily and eagerly fixed on the 
 bull's eye. 
 
 " Good gal, hand Hangelinar it's for, hand no mistake," 
 said the preceptor, dropping it into her open mouth, and 
 then selecting one of the frail ribs he had already broken, 
 and angling for Pinch as he had before done for his sister, 
 he said, holding it up at a tantalus distance from that 
 young gentleman's mouth, only infusing a little historical 
 lore into the of course more solid education of the boy. 
 
 " Now, can you tell me ? Vy, Boney the big — that 
 his, Boney the Fust, Hemperor of the French — vos sent 
 to St. Helenur?" 
 
 " To be cotched, I s'pose ?' responded Pinch.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 189 
 
 " 111 course ; but cotched for vot ?" 
 
 "To be killed, Is'poser' 
 
 " As dead as a door-nail. That English bys, as vos 
 good hand never told fibs, might get Bonaparte's ribs ; 
 and vot little by do yer think this here rib in particklar 
 his for?" 
 
 ^' Oh, for Pinch ! for Pinch !" 
 
 "Wery sorry; but I don't know no little by with sicli 
 a hugiy name has Pinch — I don't. I honly knows Han- 
 gelinar's brother has I'm a-going to take back to his par 
 hand mar ; hand his name his Horlandor, hand I'm their 
 dear friend, Bob, as they knows will take care hon 'em. 
 Now, I think you must be that 'dentical little by. Vot's 
 yer name ? " 
 
 " Hor— hand— her." 
 
 "Horlandor!" 
 
 " Horlandor." 
 
 " Hall right, hand Bonaparte's ribs his the vay to spell 
 Horlandor ; so there's yer spelHng-book, my little dear, 
 hand heven hif you don't stick to hit, hit'U be sure to stick 
 to you," said he, handing liim the brown abomination, 
 which was not unlilce the ribs of a mummy." 
 
 " Hand who ham 11" resumed he, holding up a brandy- 
 ball, as a sort oi devise parlante, which formed the heraldic 
 section of the lesson. 
 
 " Oh, you's our best friend, Bob, has his a-going to 
 take us to our par and mar — only we aint got no par." 
 
 "Hall right ! " said Bob, endorsing his approbation with 
 a rose-coloured tablet of some undefinable composition to 
 each of his pupils, who, it is needless to say, under such 
 a judicious system of immediate rewards, made rapid pro- 
 gress. As their physical advancement did not keep pace 
 with their intellectual, their delighted preceptor presently
 
 140 THE WOELD AND HLS WIFE ; 
 
 exclaimed, while they were still discussing " The Feast of 
 Roses," with their heads on one side, accomi^anied by a 
 low, munching sound — 
 
 '•' Come, step out, my four-year olds ! Ven you's been 
 a little longer with your best friend, Bob Bumpus, you'll 
 trot fourteen mile an hour with hease within yourselves, 
 yer will." 
 
 But here. Pinch, in his anxiety to show that he could 
 " step out," made a false step over the kerb-stone, and 
 splashed his patron terribly. 
 
 " Hello ! " cried the latter, " I can't have no daisy-cut- 
 ing. I must larn yer Horlandor, my roadster, to go it 
 in high style, veil above the ground ; for, honless you 
 gits your proper haction, you'll be hallways liable to fall, 
 by going too near, has you have a-done jist now. I vonts, 
 ven your par and mar ses yer agin, to see, that though 
 you ave a-bin so long a-tossing about in that ere loose 
 box, the world, has, thanks to your best friend, Bob 
 Bumpus, you's a reglar Galloway, as has got uniform 
 strength and hadequate haction. But, lawr ! vot ham I 
 a-talking about haction ! " continued Mr. Bumpus, sud- 
 denly stopping^ and placing, like an anticipatory hatch- 
 ment, a large squaie of portable bilious fever in pink 
 sugar on his breast, which he held there, with his hand 
 spread out like a split eagle, at once tempting, and tan- 
 talizing the not yet satiated Pinch and Skins — " vot ham 
 I talking habout haction ; for vot's hany haction — ^heven 
 that of a OSS — compared to the haction of the human art. 
 Does the haction o' your arts, my little dears, tell you 
 nothink ven you sees this here pink of fashion, has I may 
 call it, a spread hout, like a smiling landscape, hor, least- 
 ways, like a sweet prospec, hall hover my bow-sum ? 
 Speak, Hangelinar ! Hanswer me, Horlandor ! "
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQTJENCH. 141 
 
 Here, in order to suit the action to the word, and 
 appear overcome by his emotions, Bob, with his unoccu- 
 pied hand, drew from his pocket the residue of his frag- 
 mentary check, and held it before his eyes, while the ends 
 fluttered in the breeze ; much after the desultory fashion 
 of those diophanic black tinder-pendants, to the bars of a 
 grate, which children call '• Strangers." But the newly- 
 christened Orlando and Angelina, seemed only bent upon 
 proving themselves lineal and undegenerated descendants 
 of the horse-leech; for whatever their hearts might do, 
 their hands expanded as they raised them, saying, 
 
 " Oh ! crikey ! I should think so ; it tells us, as you 
 means that for us, too !" 
 
 " Hof course, hewentually I do, — but who ham I V 
 
 " Bob Bumpus, — our best friend," re-echoed the brother 
 and sister simultaneously, their eyes rivetted upon the 
 solid square the former still held upon that part of " the 
 human form divine," which he denominated his hoiv-^wm. 
 
 " Ay, — your best friend, indeed ! but his that hall ? his 
 there nothink more ? 
 
 " More ! what more ?" interrogated Orlando, alias Pinch, 
 looking about him in all directions with a puzzled and in- 
 quiring expression, as if by no means clear as to whether 
 the question was a juirely colonial one of sugar, extending 
 to, and bearing upon the free trade of lollipops, or a mere 
 social one ; and therefore, like all such in England, to be 
 dealt with vaguely under the head of "Looming in the Future." 
 
 " Vy," responded Mr. Bumpus, trying by considerable 
 heaving, and inequality of utterance, or, what he himself 
 would have (i2i\\Q(\. jibbing, to imitate the tears Kubini used 
 to be said to have in his voice when he sang " lo piu 
 Triste di Mortale," — " Heven vot has hoften been my best 
 friend, — my hunckle I"
 
 } 42 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 " Hunckle T repeated Pinch. 
 
 " Heveii so ? — Dear pledges liof my sister Hangelinar's 
 affection ! come to my harms ? for pledges his the most 
 naitral things has can come to a hmicle !" 
 
 And before encircling them in a very theatrical emhras- 
 sade, which did not inculpate any great proximity, he took 
 the precaution of snapping the rosy tablet in twain, and 
 cramming one of the riven halves into each of theii- 
 mouths, which rendered kisses impossible and speech diffi- 
 cult for some seconds, infringing, however, on the solitary 
 privilege of the other sex ; Pinch was the first to regain 
 the use of his tongue, and though still crunching his bribe 
 he said, looking eagerly up into Bob's face, 
 
 " Our huncle ! and are you our huncle ?" 
 
 '' Ho ! Horlandor his hit possible has you can ave 
 forgot me ?" 
 
 Notwithstanding the tone of tender reproach in which 
 this was uttered, Pinch for once varied his usual course 
 and deviated into truth, by murmuring a low, but distinct, 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Forgot the huncle ! has used to load yer with happles, 
 till yer looked more like a horchard hin Haugust, than a 
 young gent hin jackets ! Porgot the hunckle, has used to 
 set you down hat one corner of the Bowling Green to 
 break sugar has the parish sets helderly coves by the road 
 side to break stones. Porgot the huncle, has never Jack 
 Homered yer by jDutting hon yer hin the corner ; hand 
 driving yer to hextremities by compelling hon yer to put 
 hin yer thumb to pull hout one plum ! but used to make 
 a reglar plum-puddin hon yer, by cramming yer as full 
 has hever yer could hold, till if so be, has hany one had 
 wanted to help yer, there vouldn't ave been room for the 
 spoon. Forgot the huncle ! has vos one co?itinel triumph
 
 OK, A TEESON OF CU2^SEQUE^a'E. J 43 
 
 like, of peg-tops hand pop-giins to yer, liending hiu a 
 blaze of tire-balloons, hand crackers ? Forgot the huncle ! 
 has gooseberried yer at Midsummer ! goosed yer hat Mi- 
 chaelmas ! bunned yer on Good Fridays ! ouse lambed yer 
 hat Heaster ! minced yer at Christmas ! made a guy on 
 yer the fifth o'Nowember ! grottered yer the sixth hof 
 Haugust ! hand bonfired yer on the hanniwersery hof 
 hevry wictory ? Forgot the huncle ! as vill do hall this 
 hover hand hover agin, too, hand send yer to college like 
 yer huncle Moses beside, vere yer shall gradurate hin 
 gingerbread, hand become a rale gemman, hor I never vos 
 christened Robert Bumpus ! ho ! Horlandor ! forget ! a 
 huncle has mean^ to take hand do hall this for yer ? I 
 von't, no ! I vont believe it ; for my nevey you his, hand 
 my nevey you must be, so tell me who I ham ? now has 
 I ave told yer who you his ?" 
 
 And, as he uttered this injunction, Mr. Bumpus with 
 one hand seized a handful of barley-sugar drops, which 
 he showered upon Skins like the consolidated tears of the 
 sea-gull when turned by the Peris (vid the poets) into 
 amber, which she had the additional pleasure of collecting 
 from off the dirty pavement as they fell ; while with the 
 other, he grasped a stick of tricolour peppermint, which 
 he pointed towards Pinch with much the same air and 
 magnetic result, that the statue of the Commandant does 
 his truncheon, when inviting Don Giovanni to sup with 
 him in the Netherlands. But Pinch was already won over 
 to these most satisfactory "Foreign relations," as the 
 chaotic paradise that Bob's eloquence had so vividly con- 
 jured up, now flitted before him in one kaleidoscopic 
 whirl, of pippins, peg-tops, pop-guns, plums, and pyro- 
 technic marvels ! So no sooner did baton touche, than as 
 if it had really been a magic wand, Orlando exclaimed 
 with true Furioao energy.
 
 144 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 
 
 " Oh ! yes, you is our liunckle, Bob, as is going to make 
 a gent in ginger-bread of me ! hand no mistake." 
 
 " And wz/ uncle, too ; ain't yer?" said Skins, putting 
 in her claim. 
 
 '• Hin course I his, my dearest Hangelinar, has I used 
 to take to hevry fair, hand treat to hevry show, hand vill 
 do agin, von't I ? my hown little Hangelinar ? (for it's 
 wery sartin has you never vos no body helses.") But this 
 latter sentence being what on the stage is called an aside, 
 and off of it, a mental reservation, it is perhaps a breach 
 of confidence to report ; be this as it may, though Bob's 
 past largesses shared the fate of most kind deeds in 
 general, and were totally forgotten by the ungrateful 
 "growing infancy," with which he was not so much 
 "begirt," as beset on the present occasion ; still, the future 
 delights he held out to them had produced such a power- 
 ful attrition, that he had much ado, even in conjunction 
 mth the barrier aid of his oaken stick, to prevent theii' 
 affectionate encroaches, arriving at a proximity that might 
 make him appear guilty of nepotism ; not that the men- 
 tion of the stick must lead any one into the erroneous 
 conclusion that Mr. Bumpus brought it into actual contact 
 with the youthful bones of his recently accumulated rela- 
 tives ; far from it, for he was quite of Werter's opinion 
 when that personage (as represented by the inimitable 
 Poitier some years ago at the Porte St. Martin) kicked 
 Charlotte's little brothers and sisters out of the room " h, 
 forces coups de pied, qu'il faut toujours traiter les enfans 
 avec douceur !" so that, like a templar, he merely " sported 
 the oak" to intimate that he wished to avoid being in- 
 truded upon, which he did, by raising it whenever either 
 Pinch, or Skins, manifested any affectionate intention of 
 kissing their " huncle ;" but even this virtual repulse he 
 softened by the accompaniment of a flatteriiDg speech.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 145 
 
 " No, no, my little dears, keep hoft' hat a good distance, 
 has huncle Bob may look hon yer pretty faces, vich he's 
 so glad to see agin, bless yer ! " While, another time, it 
 woiildbe — with a still more resolute flourish of the stick : — 
 
 " Not now, Hangelinar, my daffodil, Bob Bumpus hates 
 hinstahnents, they haint never no good ; he never takes 
 kisses from a little gal hof your tender hage, but vill 
 settle for the whole amount ven you is grow'd hup — cause 
 vy ? hif the hage his less tender, then, hat hall ewents, the 
 kisses his more so." 
 
 " Are they ?" asked the innocent Skins, who not having 
 attained to years of British femaleism, did not persist in 
 forcing her attentions on the reluctant Bob. 
 
 "Lawr bless yer !" responded that gentleman in reply 
 to her query, *' pretty near has much diff'erence has between 
 the chops of the channel, hin a gale o' wind, hand the 
 chops hat Dolly's, ven yer can raise the wind to get 'em." 
 But, as poor Skins had never before heard of either chops, 
 she only stared, silently wondering what he or they, could 
 mean, and whether perchance the former was a classical 
 allusion to some now extinct saccharine Elysium, and the 
 latter a progressive one, to some newly-discovered Toffey, 
 Timbuctoo ; but being for the nonce, almost gorged with 
 the current comfits of lollipop cheap Kterature, she 
 forbore slaking her thirst for knowledge by an inquiry, 
 and soon after Pinch, making another affectionate onslaught 
 upon his "huncle" with his Kembrandt-shaded hands, all 
 veneered as they were with the outer embalming of 
 " Bonaparte's ribs," Mr. Bumpus, though theoretically as 
 averse from corporal punishment, or from teaching boys any- 
 thing before twelve years old (of which Pinch yet wanted 
 three years), as Rousseau was, still. Bob, who was by far 
 the less mad, and more honest vaurien of the two, upon 
 VOL. I. L
 
 14G THE WOELD AND Hia WIFE; 
 
 critical emergencies like the present, was prompt to re- 
 member that self-preservation is the first law of nature ; 
 so now, raising his club in good earnest, knitting his 
 brows, and clearing his throat in a most fulminating 
 manner, as he said in a voice worthy of a cavalry-officer 
 at the head of his troop, and during the din of battle, 
 giving the word of command to 
 CHARGE ! 
 
 '•' Come, pawrs hoff, Pompey ! hall the appiness has 
 happles can confer, hall the good has ginger-bread can 
 grant, hand all the fun has his to be found hat hevery 
 fair hin the kingdom, yer Huncle Bob his villing has yer 
 should ave ; but respect to yer helders, Horlandor, his 
 the fust 23uss0n sing'lar hin the grammar of good manners, 
 and that Bob Bumpus will ave minded, so don't yer never 
 go for to come with yer ands too near to hany one holder 
 than yerself; distance should hallways be hattended to 
 vith a difference, cause hon the turf it must be two 
 undred and forty yards, verehas, vith regard to small legs 
 hin ginral, but neveys hand huncles hin particklar, harms 
 length his the reg'lar thing ; so never forget that, Hor- 
 landor ; for the further apart, the nearer the art ! as the 
 gemman wrote to his vife, ven he took hup vith another 
 young ooman, vich vos civil hon him hat least, hif not 
 wery sincere. Here's a brandy-ball to show you has I'm 
 not hangry, hand to himpress vot I bin a saying on yer 
 memory. So remember, the further has you keeps from 
 huncle Bob, the nearer you gits to brandy-balls." 
 
 With similar gentle reproofs and forcible instructions, 
 Mr. Bumpus beguiled the time and his pupils, till they 
 reached the Mansipn House. No wonder, then, that both 
 he and they, had made such progress — they, in the lesson 
 of family biography, he, in the implicit confidence and
 
 OK, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. H7 
 
 affections of his newly-acquired nephew and niece. No 
 wonder either, that Blinking Sal was so astounded ! at the 
 liappy fiiniily-scene that awaited her, as to lose all presence 
 of mind, and vituperate Bob so vehemently in the pre^ 
 sence of the chief magistrate, as soon as he took his seat, 
 calling him the vilest and cruellest of impostors, for 
 attempting to rob her of her children by such a falsehood, 
 which violence (so unpardonable under any provocation in 
 a woman, even of the Blinking Sal kind), of com^se, only 
 made matters worse, by causing " the worthy magistrate " 
 to prolong her sejour in Horsemonger Lane a fortnight 
 beyond the original term for which he had made out her 
 conamitment. But what could one woman do, even of 
 Blinkmg Sal's bone, muscle, and oratorical energy, when 
 all things conspired against her? In the first place, Teuth 
 is proverbially " stranger than fiction," which is doubt- 
 less the reason why most persons are ready and able, to 
 swallow the latter wholesale, whereas few can be found to 
 award a crumb of credence to the former. And, more- 
 over, this being Blinking Sal's debut in truth-telling, it 
 came out so lamely and haltingly, that no wonder, in such 
 a masquerade, it should not have been recognised. Then, 
 too. Sergeant Snack, impressed with a vague though sin- 
 cere idea of Bob's occult respectability, from his evidently 
 intimate acquaintance with Spriggs, threw the weight of 
 his testimony and convictions into the scale against 
 BHnking Sal ; but what most caused the balance to pre- 
 ponderate in Bob's favour was, that the magistrate piqued 
 himself upon having not only the justice, but also the 
 judgment of Solomon. Therefore, when he saw how Pinch 
 and Skins, or rather Orlando and Angelina (for as such 
 they were to appear in, and be introduced to European 
 notice by " The Times " of the morrow), when the worthy 
 
 L 2
 
 148 THE ^yOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 magistrate saw, we say, how this interesting pair clung 
 or tried to cling, to their " dear Uncle Bob," who never- 
 theless interposed his heart of oak between himself and 
 them, always telling them to " stand up pretty afore his 
 vorship, hand they could ug ven they got ome." 
 
 When further. Blinking Sal, with clenched fist and 
 flashing eyes, charged them on their peril to deny that 
 they had never before seen that man till they met him by 
 chance in the Minories that morning, Mr. Bumpus smiling 
 contemptuously at the Houndsditch Niobe, accompanying 
 the smile mth a still more insulting shrug, left her to tear 
 her passion to tatters, while he had again recourse to the 
 Poitier-Werter maxim, " Qui'l faut toujours mener les 
 enfans par la douceur," and so established with his hands 
 behind his back, an electric-telegraph of confectionery, 
 which served as -a memoria technica for the little Innocents, 
 who not only swore to the actual state of relationship 
 between them, but told most glibly, and with an air of 
 such perfect candour, that it compelled belief, a few re- 
 trospective lies of all the fine things their huncle Bob used 
 to do for them long ago, when they were with their par 
 and mar, afore Blinking Sal had nabbed 'em. 
 
 This, as his worship — m diffusion of useful knowledge 
 parlance expressed it, " spoke volumes." So that he could 
 but come to one conclusion, namely, that Kobert Bumpus 
 was indeed the imcle (and by their account a very kind 
 and affectionate one) of the two children." 
 
 " Not a bit of it, yer vorship," broke in Blinking Sal — 
 " he's been a bewitching ©n 'em." 
 
 Whereat, there was a roar of laughter, as every eye 
 present, fully acquitted the accused of possessing any such 
 arts ; and the laughter was increased to a perfect uproar, 
 when Bob, "vvith first a grotesque leer at Blinking Sal, and
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE, 149 
 
 then placing his hand up open at the side of his right 
 cheek, as he turned his head aside, and said in a stage- 
 whisper and a wink of his eye at the bench — 
 
 " She's jealous hon me, yer vorshij), hand thinks has 
 hevry one his has soon bewitched vith me has she vos." 
 
 As soon as some degree of order was restored, the 
 magistrate decided that for the present the children should 
 be removed to the Union, and delivered up to their uncle 
 on his leaving town in a day or two, as he had stated it 
 was his intention to do. 
 
 At this, Blinking Sal became so outrageous, that they 
 were obliged to handcuff her to take her to the van, 
 while Pinch and Skins, who had stood stolidly unmoved 
 at the fearful imprecations she poured out upon them ; 
 (as well as on the poor wi'etched infant that had been 
 unbound from its Mazeppa perils on her back) yet having 
 been trained in wholesome fear of a policeman, they now 
 burst into a flood of genuine tears, as they found they 
 were to be consigned to Sergeant Snack. And it was 
 with difiiculty that Bob's reiterated assurances of going 
 for them in a day or two, could at all assuage their fears. 
 However, they at length prevailed, coupled with the debris 
 of the sugar-snares with which he had so effectually lured 
 them to his purposes. When they had been removed, 
 Bob joined the mob at the door to see the freighting of 
 the van, and to the no small diversion of the crowd, stood 
 bowing and kissing his hand to Blinking Sal, as two of 
 the officials were dragging her along, till when they had 
 got her to the door, he stepped forward with a jaunty air, 
 and putting out his hand with a flourish, said — 
 
 "Hallow me mum to elp you hin, hand vish yer a 
 pleasant ride ; hand hif you still vishes for a lock of my 
 air, pray don't baulk yerself, though its rayther coals to
 
 150 THE WORLD AND HT.^ WIFE ; 
 
 Newcastle, has I should think has you'd find quite locks 
 enough vere you'r a going." 
 
 As the door of the van was slammed to, and sharply 
 locked, it drove away, and Mr. Bumpus walked off amid 
 the laughter of the bystanders, they dispersing in different 
 dii^ections, and he retracing his steps to the gorgeous em- 
 poriimi of Messrs. Moses and Son, which was now open 
 and in all its glory, with the morning sun shining upon its 
 plate-glass. Although he entered with a swagger, which, 
 from its very assurance, ought to have impressed them 
 with an idea of his consequence ; (more especially, as they 
 at least should have known what sterling value often 
 lurks under old clothes) but as it did not, but on the con- 
 trary, caused the respective shopmen to bandy glances of 
 suspicion from one to another, Mr. Bumpus, with the 
 vivida vis anima, which distinguished him under all 
 emergencies, immediately drew his stocking from his 
 bosom, which contained a real golden calf, and raising his 
 arm high above his head, and aiming it pantomimically at 
 the principal shopman, as he had seen David in old wood- 
 cuts, hurling his sling at Goliah, he said — 
 
 " I don't speak Hebrew myself, but these do," (and here 
 he shook the gold within the stocking) ; " so now to your 
 tents, Oh Israel!' and rig me out as quick as you can, 
 something neat and not gaudy, like a strait waistcoat.." 
 
 "Vill you pleashe to valk tish vay, shir, and try on 
 some articles of tressh ?" said one of the Mosaic Arabs, 
 blandly bowing with none of the insolence of actual office, 
 but more with the tempered melancholy retrospective 
 dignity of an Ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer. 
 
 " Try on ; oh, bother, must I try them on ? Can't you 
 measure me, and get some things according to the 
 measure?"
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 151 
 
 "Vy, it's not sho goote for de fits, shir, and it isli 
 not nioche troubles to try on." 
 
 " No, not for you chaps, has hare trying it hon hall day 
 long, hand hevery day hin the year ; ha ! ha ! ha ! but you 
 see I've got to vosh hand shave, hand there haint no use 
 hin putting hon finery till I'm better hoff for soap." 
 
 " Oh, de tings look very genteel, shir, vidout being vash 
 or shave ; teresh a splendid satin cravat, you shee, all 
 crinishon ant goolt, vich I sold the veller of it, to a gent a 
 gomng to Laurent's Cazino last night ; he vosh not vosh 
 or shave, but it look very genteel enteet, and he vosh very 
 much your complexion, shir." 
 
 " What ? a fresh, as well as a flat fish ; red about the 
 gills, eh? and nose of dark purple, — like an unboiled 
 lobster ; veil, as you seem to hunderstand the hart of 
 setting hoif my style of beauty, lead hon, hand I'll foUer ; 
 but stop, ave you hany shirts ? for I ain't a going to be put 
 to my shifts hany longer." 
 
 *'Yes." Messrs. Moses and Son had everytliing, from 
 the " purple" to the " fine linen" department, and the poor 
 slop-workers could vouch for its being " wrought about 
 with divers needle-jwork." 
 
 After being closeted for half-an-hour with the obKging 
 gentleman that had been the Columbus who had dis- 
 covered that he had a complexion, Mr. Bumpus descended, 
 certainly as far as outward appearance went, an altered 
 man ; yet not proud, for although the shopman, with much 
 external civility and far more internal curiosity to know 
 who and what his strange customer was, had offered to 
 send the bundle containing his former apparel, that truly 
 great man above the vulgar meanness of in his prosperity, 
 discarding what had so long clung to him in his adversity, 
 took the bundle under the right sleeve of his glossy new
 
 152 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 coat, and as if even to enhance this compliment to his old 
 friends, he placed his new hat with its dazzling sheen 
 slightly on one side, and rather over his eyes, instead of at 
 the back of his head, as he was in the habit of wearing its 
 napless and almost rimless predecessor, and having paid 
 the one shopman and bowed to all the others, grandly and 
 grimly Mr. Eobert Bumpus quitted the establishment of 
 Messrs. "Moses and Son," and as he wended his way 
 through Eastcheap and onwards to Tower Hill, neither 
 exalted nor encumbered by his new bravery, but towering, 
 as it were, naturally into it, he might, had such been his 
 ambition, have earned the same compliment as old Cato 
 did at Eome, for no one who had seen him two hours 
 before, and who saw him then, could have doubted but 
 they saw one 
 
 " Huic versatile ingenium, sic pariter et omnia fuit, ut 
 natum ad id unum diceres, quodcunque ageret."* 
 
 * One whose mind was apt for all things, and which 
 generally was such, that whatsoever he did, he seemed to be 
 born for that purpose.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 153 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Pr. ^unps at pome. 
 
 |N quitting the establishment of Messrs. Moses and 
 Son, Mr. Bumpus made a little detour to Broad- 
 street Buildings, for the purpose of taking a bath, for, as 
 he justly observed to himself, there was no use in all those 
 fine caparisons, unless he was properly groomed first ; and 
 as it is a way with paupers, sometimes to be more princely 
 in their notions, and small expenditures, than some princes 
 are, he resolved it should be a five-shilling "Sultan's 
 bath," which extravagance he balanced, by saying, " I can 
 shave at home, the honly place where your fashionable 
 husbands hever do shave ; so I'll go in, for the fashionable 
 husband stakes. No, no, Polly — Bob's only joking," and 
 he hurried on to the baths ; and though feeling and look- 
 ing, comparatively speaking, like an emperor, after his 
 ablutions, still he was not proud. 
 
 No — decidedly Robert Bumpus was not proud, in the 
 ordinary and superficial acceptation of the word, for there 
 was, in his whole nature, an anti-stuckupativeness that
 
 154 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 would have made him the most popular of monarchs, had 
 he been a kmg, — the most pioiLS of prelates, had he nolo 
 episco-pari'd himself into a bishopric, — the most dehon- 
 naire of dandies, had he aimed so high, — and even the 
 least arrogant of authors, had he stooped so low ! There- 
 fore, as he wended his way Thames-ward and Tower- 
 ward, instead of assuming anything on the strength of his 
 new, and comparatively, magnificent attire, or even giviaig 
 it a thought, he, on the contrary, devoted all his attention 
 to the discarded rags contained in the bundle under his 
 arm, even to tenderly pressing them against his side, as a 
 lover does the hand of his mistress, when she leans on 
 him. 
 
 "Ah," thought he, after this aflFectionate pressure, "you 
 shall go on again, as soon as ever I get these two jobs over ; 
 for Tatters, if I were to meet him, would never acknow- 
 ledge me got up in this style ; and Polly — why I fear 
 she'll think me huccaback, got up in any style. Some 
 woods are too rough to gild." 
 
 It was one of Bob's many peculiarities, that when he 
 thought, he thought in English ; it v/as only when he 
 spoke, that he conveyed his sentiments and ideas in slang 
 of the lowest and choicest description, always excepting 
 when he displayed any genuine feeling, as was the case in 
 his tetes-a-tetes with Polly Marsham, for whom he had a 
 sincere aftection, which had originated, in the first instance, 
 from the broad, next-o'-kin basis of pity, after he had 
 saved her and her child, from their prematm-e grave in the 
 Paddington Canal ; and the very first use he made of his 
 annuity of o^50 a-year, was to offer to make her his wife ; 
 consequently, the two ''jobs'' he alluded to in his mental 
 soliloquy, as he pressed his old familiar rags to his heart, 
 were his marriage on that morning, and his conveying
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENOIi 155 
 
 Walter Selden dowii to Field Fleury the following one, 
 " for," sighed he, '' she won't care how soon I go." 
 
 "Poor Polly !" thought he, continuing his reverie, 
 " she is a good soul in a comely casket, and if all had 
 gone right, she ought to have done better than Bob Bum- 
 pus. Oh ! if I only knew who the villain was, wouldn't I 
 tear his craven heart out, and he might stick it for an 
 ornament in his coronet ; but that she'll never tell me 
 now. Well, well — it can't be helped ; this is our wedding- 
 day, so I must not teaze her — and we've had pitched 
 battles enough about it for the last five years, goodness 
 knows ! So now for peace ; and a good thing too, if all 
 married people could get all their fighting done before- 
 hand, so as to sit down quietly for the rest of their lives, 
 after the catastrophe, at all events. 
 
 " When Bob Bumpus is a benedict he'll endeavour to 
 behave as he ought, and always bear in mind that what 
 can't be cured must be endured. All I'm afraid is — 
 that I look worse in this incongruous finery, and that 
 Polly will laugh at me. Bob, you're a vagabond — you 
 know you are, and I fear it's too late for you to be 
 anything else. And so rags are the proper regulation- 
 jackets for vagabonds ; however, they have one advantage, 
 that they are not obliged to wear an Albert hat with 
 them. I musn't say a word to Polly yet, though, about 
 Pinch and Skins and the nice morning's work I've made 
 of it, or shell think, that like young Bibow — 
 
 " In fashion I'm grown, 
 
 And have twenty fine children, 
 But not one my own." 
 
 " Their Uncle, their dear Uncle Bob ; good, isn't it ? 
 Ha ! ha I ha ! Well, poor little wretches, I long to see
 
 156 THE WOELD 
 
 what scrubbing, and stuffing, and riding the high horse 
 will do towards getting them on in the world. Ah ! 
 Mabel with her beauty would be the card ! but that I 
 know Polly will never consent to, and she's right ; a Circus 
 is a very good place for taking the vice out of horses, but 
 girls are different, and it's quite the other way. But 
 though she'll never come up to Mabel, yet Skins, I mean 
 Signora Angelina, hasn't a bad forehand either, and with 
 proper training and good grooming she may be the 
 favourite yet ; and as for you, Bob, if you make a fortune 
 in the enterprise why you shall found a charity for limp 
 young men, who have not sufficient consistency to keep 
 themselves out of harm's way, and call it Bumpussus's 
 College, or the Vagabond's Home ; and yet, no, that 
 won't do either, for if men are prevented going to him 
 how is the devil to get his due 1 I have it ; Polly shall 
 found a refuge for young women, and it shall be called 
 the Polly Maesham Asylum. Ay, that will be better, 
 for you are not fit. Bob Bumpus, even to give your name 
 to a charity, and you know you're not." And here an old 
 shoe, with the sole half torn from it, intercepting his pro- 
 gress, he ran a tilt at it with his stout oaken stick, and 
 tossed it far on, into the middle of the street, adding in 
 his own mind, " Ay, that's about all I'm fit for, to be 
 kicked out of the way, if I'm in it, and to be taken no 
 notice of if I'm not." 
 
 And yet this poor publican self-abnegation, this anti- 
 Phariseeical spirit it was which had always prevented 
 poor Bob from being a rogue, while perhaps it also had 
 something to do with keeping him a vagabond ; and to say 
 the truth, if he had (and who has not ?) a touch of pride, 
 it took an inverse turn, for he was actually proud of his 
 poverty, proud that amid so much thimble-rigging, betting,
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 157 
 
 and black-lcggery as his race-course career had exposed 
 him to, he had never been a shilling the richer, till this 
 £oO a year had so strangely and unexpectedly fallen in 
 his way, which, as he himself said, he could not as yet see 
 any harm in, but a great deal of good to the boy that was 
 to be placed under the care of his brother Moses, to him- 
 self, and to his whole family. 
 
 But still, as he expressed it, this <^50 a year that had 
 dropped in quite unsolicited, like the tax-gatherer, was 
 no fault or no merit of his. So, unknown to himself, he 
 continued, to be in good company and emulate the po- 
 verty-stricken proceedings of Epaminondas, Phocion 
 Marius Curtius, Atilus Kegulus, and Fabricius, without, 
 however, having had the same opportunities of enriching 
 himself as these foolishly-wise anti-Utilitarian ancient 
 Roman gentry had ; notwithstanding which little drawback, 
 Robert Bumpus continued " chewing the cud of sweet 
 and bitter thoughts " till he arrived at what the Morning 
 Post would call his " Town Residence" on Tower Hill, 
 which was no other, than two rooms at the extreme upper 
 story of a small tenement, in the basement of which, the 
 landlady, one Mrs. Ray, a widow, kept a china-shop. A 
 good old-fashioned body was Widow Ray, with her clean, 
 close, i^n-ribboned cap, her plain black camlet gown, fitting 
 accurately to her small, trim, round waist, set off, not a 
 little, by the snowy muslin handkerchief she always wore 
 pinned down in a point outside. Martha Ray had been 
 left with three sons, now twelve, fifteen, and twenty-two, 
 all of whom she had by means of some little interest, 
 got into a commercial school, as one was to be in " the 
 drapery business," another in the " tea line," and the third 
 in her own, which might be called the cup and saucer 
 line.
 
 158 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 While they were yet young, Mrs. Bay had observed in 
 the early days of her widowhood, with more sense than 
 sentiment, that "Boys were always in the way, and it was 
 better they should have their heads broken at school, than 
 stay at home to break her crockery." But though not 
 abounding in sentiment, (that tin-foil simulation of the 
 real gem of feeling) as it generally happens where such is 
 the case, Martha Eay was not deficient in the latter, 
 though it was often smothered over by the rubbish of a 
 short, sharp, uncouth manner, for she also was from the 
 " west countrie," being a townswoman of Bob's, and there- 
 fore retaining all the " do ee's" and " dont ee's," and " I 
 bid ee's," and " such likes," with other similar flowers of 
 provincial elocution. Luckily, however, words have nothing 
 to do with deeds. 
 
 One of the ways in which she evinced her good feeling 
 was in the tender, the maternal care she took of a poor 
 half-witted sister of her late husband, whose strange history 
 was this : — when only seven years' old, her father's house, 
 which had been a large oil-shop on Ludgate Hill, had 
 taken fire, and been burnt to the ground, and almost by a 
 miracle, the youngest child, Euby Eay, was saved from 
 being burnt with it. But the terror of that night not 
 only threw the child into a brain fever, but turned her 
 chestnut hair quite white ; after which, she continued to 
 grow in stature, and in due time to be physically, fully 
 developed ; yet from that hour to the present, a period of 
 thirty years, her intellect remained stationary at her 
 seventh year ; and her appearance presented the pheno- 
 menon of the most extraordinary combination of youth 
 and age ; or rather of the most unnatural struggle as it 
 were between the two, without either ever being able to 
 predominate, though her dress, which was that of a child,
 
 OE, A PERSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 15 
 
 gave a casting vote in favonr of the former, being a white 
 frock with short sleeves, a coral necklace, and a pinafore. 
 Her perfectly grey hair was plainly parted on her forehead, 
 put back behind her ears, and cut short behind ; l^ut it 
 was curious to observe the outline of a leather fidl bust 
 imder this childish pinafore. 
 
 Every afternoon Mrs. Ray, pointing with her knitting- 
 needle to the words, heard her read a chapter in the 
 Bible, and repeat a spelling-lesson and a hymn, beyond 
 which, she never got ; but, when she had gone through, 
 her literary treadmill well, she always received her 
 customary reward, of having her grey hair patted and 
 smoothed, with the occasional addition of a bunch of 
 cherries, or a cake. She was capable of going up and 
 down stairs of messages, as a child of seven would be, and 
 of going to tell her mother, as she called Mrs. Ray, if any 
 one came into the shop ; but to tell the customers the 
 price of anything, or to give them change, she was utterly 
 incapable. All her little sins of omission and commission 
 were likewise those of a child, of which, too, she had all 
 the shyness, for if a stranger spoke to her she would look 
 down and not blush, as no shade of colour ever tinged 
 her sallow cheeks, from which all freshness and elasticity 
 had long since fled ; but she would hang down her head 
 and nervously fiddle with her pinafore, as children when 
 trying to exert their conversational powers under difficulties 
 are wont to do, or at least did, in the reigns of the two last 
 Georges, when there were some few children still left in 
 England, before the guineas and seven-shilling pieces were 
 all " called in," and the infants were all brought out. 
 
 A very talkative grey parrot (the gift of Jack Rosin- 
 scrape to Mrs. Ray, brought from China in the Hans Van 
 Kelp), an aldennanic black-and-white cat, and a fat,
 
 160 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 shapeless, mass of smooth terrier, called Cora, were 
 Ruby's chief friends and companions, for Sam Sedjeter 
 Mrs. Ray's foreman, was too domineering a personage to 
 ingratiate himself with either old or young, much less 
 jvith both, as so strangely blended in poor Ruby. Neither 
 did his physique at all compensate for his unprepossessing 
 address ; for, except the blade of a knife, it would have 
 been impossible to have found a pendant or a parallel 
 for his thinness. His hair was dark, straight, perpen- 
 dicular, and scrubby-looking, like the shaving-brushes in 
 the Albert hats, and rose out of his low, broad forehead, 
 standing on end, as if scared by the gulf of ugliness that 
 lay beneath, for roimdMr. Sedjeter's little, quick, revolving 
 black eyes, were very red rims, while his lean, pale 
 cheeks were deeply indented with the small-pox, which 
 gave his complexion the hue and texture of a gruyere 
 cheese. His nose was aquiline and exceedingly pinched, 
 and his upper lip, which was nearly as long, was equally 
 pinched, but his chin retreated considerably, and seemed 
 very sensibly getting out of the way of all his other features 
 as fast as it could. 
 
 He had been once, as he himself acknowledged, a. very 
 worldly-minded man, having long ago made an offer of 
 marriage to Mrs. Ray, and been refused ; but still he had 
 her interest so much at heart, that he strenuously urged her 
 instead of being at the expense of keeping Ruby, to make 
 money of her, by showing her, that is jobbing her out to 
 some enterprising British Barnum, who would undertake 
 to make her the prima donna of every fair. But having 
 very nearly been dismissed from Mrs. Ray's service for 
 his pains, as he had his o^vn reasons for wishing to retain 
 his place, he did not renew the suggestion ; but pondered 
 how he could turn his owm talents to account ; and
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE; 161 
 
 as from the slow, measured, nasal inflection of his voice, 
 it was plain that Nature had left it optional to him to 
 become either a Yankee or a Methodist-parson ; alid not 
 being sufliciently philanthropic to wish to take in all the 
 world, he modestly chose the more select and circum- 
 scribed sphere of spiritual humbug, and so had lately 
 Joined an Anglo section of the Lampeter brethren, or, as 
 Mrs. Eay called them, the Lamplighter ! brethren, adding 
 that " Sam Sedjeter" had never been no good since he'd 
 done so ; and for her part, she'd no doubt but he'd go 
 from bad to worse, and never stop till he joined them 
 jigony-pennyivights ! as she called the Princely Esta- 
 blishment of the Agapemone. Hard, too, had Sedjeter 
 tried to make Mrs. Eay eject her attic tenants ; for when- 
 ever there was any delay in the rent, his morality became 
 greatly outraged, " at having a respectable house taken up 
 with such rubbish as that !" 
 
 But Martha Eay had played with Eobert BumjDus in 
 the Priory Close, at Field Fleury, as a child, and told 
 fortunes by blowing thistledowns, — and gone a Maying, 
 many a fair morning in those meadows ; and perhaps had 
 inbibed mercy with the May dew. Who knows ? so if he 
 had gone a little out of those smooth paths in after-life, 
 she wasn't going to be hard upon him, for he never told 
 tales out of school, nor in ; and if he did rob orchards, he 
 had only the trouble of it : for he invariably gave away 
 the spoils. " So, depend upon it, Sam Sedjeter, there are 
 worse people in the world than poor Bob Bumpus, though 
 they may be a deal primmer, and preciser." Such was 
 generally Mrs. Eay's ultimatimi, after an argument with 
 Mr. Sedjeter on the subject of h9r lodgers. While on the 
 other moot point of poor Euby, she peremptorily forbade 
 him ever to open his lips ; and though Martha Eay, like 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 162 
 
 most active, notable, clever liousewives, was somewliat 
 quick in her temper — more especially if hindered or in- 
 terfered with — in her domestic arrangements ; yet, never 
 did one hasty, much less one unkind word escape her, to 
 Ruby ; who, however inopportunely she might come, was 
 always received with a 
 
 " Well, what is it, my lambskin ?" 
 
 Or however pre-occupied Martha might be with Sed- 
 jeter and the invoices, or with calculations and crates, she 
 never forgot to give Ruby her childish luncheon of Ijread 
 and jam. 
 
 With regard to the exterior of Mrs. Ray's shop, beside 
 an enormous jug (so enormous that it was not only a 
 sign, but a wonder), a deep blue board, with the following 
 announcement, m bright gold letters, added to its impos- 
 ing appearance by the following announcement — 
 
 MARTHA RAY, 
 
 DEALER IN CHINA, DELFT, GLASS, 
 AND ALL SORTS OF CROCKERY-WARE. 
 
 K.B, — Glass and China lent on hire, and Evening 
 Parties attended. 
 Bob stood for a few seconds at one side of the door, 
 listening, for he heard Ruby singing within, and as all 
 else was still, he distinctly caught the words of the follow- 
 ing feline melody, with which she was lulling into a 
 purring repose Miss Smudge, the before-mentioned black- 
 and-white cat — 
 
 " Pussy-cat mew, with httle white feet, 
 I'm going to a wedding, where we shall meet. 
 Poor pussy-cat mew, jumping over a coal, 
 In her best petticoat tore a great hole ; 
 Pussy-cat mew shan't have any milk 
 Till that best petticoat's mended with silk.'*
 
 OB^ A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 163 
 
 " Only to think," said Bob alond, under favour of a 
 brewer's dray passing at that moment, first turning up 
 his eyes, and then passing the back of his hand over 
 them, "honly to think of a gal of six-and-thirty, ven they's 
 ginerally old cats most, their selves, to be has hinnocent 
 has hall that ! > There's another difference, too, between 
 women and osses — firing prewents a oss being cracked, 
 verehas, it vos the firing o' that ere ile shop as cracked 
 poor Ruby, for sartin/' 
 
 And with this profound reflection, Mr. Bumpus entered 
 the shop, where Ruby was sitting behind the counter, 
 nursing and singing to Smudge ; but Mrs. Ray seemed 
 to have taken Sedjeter's place, and was busy with her 
 accounts at the desk at the other end of the shop, while 
 the parrot was too pre-occupied smnging to and fro, in 
 all the horticultural delights of cracking and eating a nut, 
 to join, as was her wont, in the chorus of Ruby's song. 
 
 " Hallo 1 Ruby, my gal, (for he had too much j^olitesse 
 du coeiir to addi-ess her by the, in this instance, appro- 
 priate appellation of old girl) how have they behaved to 
 you while Bob's been away?" 
 
 Ruby raised her eyes at the familiar voice, with a look 
 of pleasure ; but when she saw the respectable assort- 
 ment of new clothes that stood before her, one of dis- 
 appointment succeeded, for she thought they could have 
 nothing to do with Bob ; so she stood up, gently placing 
 Smudge on the stool, in her low, shy voice, looked 
 towards the desk at the other end of the shop, and 
 said — 
 
 " Some one wants you, mother." 
 '•'What did you please to want, sir?" asked Mrs. Ray, 
 equally deceived by those cruel rogues' appearances ; and 
 bustling forward from the other end of the shop, to her 
 
 M 2
 
 ] 64 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 neiu customer, as she thought this ambulating affiche of 
 Messrs. Moses and Son's Superior fit, must surely 
 be. 
 
 " What do I want ? why, your hand, Martha Ray, to- 
 be-sure ; that's what I want. Are my old friends to cut 
 me, because I've cut my old clothes ? for this night 
 only, as the play-bills say ; if I thought so, these should 
 be in the Thames before you could say Jack Robinson." 
 
 " Why, bless my heart 1 that's never you to-be-sure, Bob 
 Bumpus ? I declare, as I'm a living woman, I didn't know 
 ee ; and Ruby didn't know ee, now, did ee Ruby ? and, best 
 of all, Polly didn't know ee, you be so spruced up like." And 
 Mrs. Ray leant back, and held her own waist with both 
 her hands, while she laughed as heartily as if she was 
 taking out two shillings' worth of ohligato laughter in 
 the pit of .Drury Lane, on the first night of a new 
 pantomime. 
 
 " PoUy, I mean my Polly, got my letter, didn't she ? " 
 
 " Oh, lawr ah ! and glad I am to tliink as your 
 weddm-day is come at last. Bob ; and let by-gones be by- 
 gones, say I ; and so I took and sent Sam Sedjeter out of 
 the way, on one of his preaching bouts, with them 
 there Lamplighter Bretheren, or whatever they Ranters 
 is called, as he've a joined ; but lawr, ever since heVe 
 a turned saint, and found the way to Heaven, as he 
 says, there aint no bearing on him, for he's found the 
 way of making a hell for everybody else. I teUs Mm 
 as he ought to go down to Field Pleury, and get the 
 place of saint-in-waiting, or groom of the sinners, at 
 Madam Momington's. But I'm sure it's true, -with regard 
 to they Methodys, as two of a trade can never agree, for 
 he says as she aint one of the right sort, cause as she don't 
 belong to the Lamplighter Bretheren. What is her tmst ?
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 165 
 
 do ee kiiow, Bob ? I mean, what does she call her 
 sect?" 
 
 " Lawr bless you, that's quite hout of my line ; how 
 should I know ? praps hit's the Hextinguisher Fathers, as 
 ►Sam says it aint the Lamplighter Brethren." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! — you always was sich a one for a joke, 
 Bob." 
 
 " Come, Kuby, won't you speak to me ? have you 
 nothing to say to poor Bob ? Never mind these nasty, 
 strange new clothes ; your old rag of a playfellow is 
 under them still." 
 
 " Well, you are like Bob," said she, approaching him, 
 but at the same time grasping Martha's apron tightly, 
 "but you can't be really Bob, for where's Tatters ?" 
 
 "Ah ! where is he indeed, poor feller ? I wish I could 
 tell you Kuby ; but Fm sadly afeard as he'll never be 
 Lord Mayor agin ! Do you remember last May how we 
 went to the meadows across the water, and we put him on 
 Polly's red cloak, and made him Lord Mayor, with a 
 great daisy chain ?" 
 
 "Oh ! yes, that was funny, and we'll do it again, won't 
 we ? but where is Tatters ?" 
 
 " Where ? where ? " and Bob drew the back of his 
 hand hastily across his eyes ; but the parrot who had l^een 
 twisting its head from side to side, much intriguee also, 
 touching Bob's identity, now seeing from this momentary 
 pause in the conversation, a good opening for slipping in 
 what she considered a word in season, in reply to his 
 question of " where !" screamed out in a shrill nasal tone, 
 turning up her eyes as her master of elocution, Mr. Sed- 
 jeter, was in the habit of doing, 
 
 " Where neither rust nor moth do corrui)t, and where 
 thieves do not break through and steal." 
 
 "Ay, you are a reglar Methody, you are, and no
 
 166 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 mistake ; for they are all parrots, hand to find some tag 
 of a text is all that consarns them ; you must find the 
 sense for yom^self !" said] the irate Mr. Bumpus, doubling 
 and shaking his fist at the pious parrot, which, on this 
 occasion, he considered a bird of ill-omen. 
 
 " Dear heart ! you don't mean to say as you've lost 
 poor Tatters ?" said Mrs. Ray, throwing up both her hands 
 to express the extent of her mingled grief and conster- 
 nation ! 
 
 "Has sure has hever Harry the Heighth lost his wives, 
 and they lost their heads in yander old dust-hole of a 
 Tower there." 
 
 And amid much head-shaking, "tut-tuts," "dear 
 hearts," and " well to be sures !" on the part of his land- 
 lady, Bob related the history of Tatters's disappearance. 
 
 " Well, well," said she, with the kind intention of turn- 
 ing his thoughts into a different channel, " I am sorry, I 
 can assure ee Bob, and would rather have lost Sam Sedjeter 
 fifty times over ; but come, cheer up, man ; we mustn't 
 have no dismals to-day ; why even Ruby's been a singing 
 to Smudge about going to the weddin just afore you 
 come in." 
 
 "Ay, I heard her," said Bob. "But you'll come to 
 church with us, won't you, Martha ?" 
 
 " Why, no, you see Bob, I can't leave the shop, so 
 long as you've invited on us to the ' Boar's Head,' after- 
 wards, so I must bide at home along with Ruby ; and 
 besides, I promised to take care of Mabel.'' 
 
 Which latter was indeed the good woman's real 
 reason for not accompanying her lodgers to church, and 
 this Bob not being slow to perceive, as persons quick to 
 feel, seldom are, he held out liis hand to her, as he turned 
 away to hide an unpleasant humidity about his eyes,
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 167 
 
 saying, " You're a good soiil, Martha, that's certain, and 
 you always were so ; going back to long before your kind- 
 ness to us ; and as you know pretty nearly all our affairs, 
 tell me, do you know if I^olly has written to any one 
 about — about — Mabel ?" 
 
 " Well," said Mrs. Kay, turning her back to him as she 
 spoke, and finding suddenly great necessity for moving 
 and dusting sundry blue mugs and pie-dishes on a shelf, 
 which did not want dusting, inasmuch as they could with 
 ease have held a pound more at least of that powder for 
 the million ; nor did they xvant moving, inasmuch, as like 
 many ^persons, though not in a brilliant one, still, they 
 did not feel their position, " Well, you see Bob, about a 
 month ago, as soon as ever she got your letter, a telling on 
 her as you had come into some little property, this here 
 fifty pound a year, and intended if she was agreeable, 
 marrying on her, she did write to some lord or other, I 
 forget the name, though she did tell me at the time, too, 
 about getting Mabel into some Institootion, for she said 
 as she'd always heerd such a high character of him, that 
 she was sure when she told him all her histoiy, and as you 
 was now a-going to marry her, as he'd do something for 
 that poor little cretur, as he bore such a very good name ; 
 howsever, it's easier among the great folk to get a good 
 name, nor to deserve it, seemingly ; for with all his good 
 name, he never answered her letter, nor have took any 
 notice from that day to this ; and she knows he got the 
 letter, as I lent her the money for the bus, and she took it 
 herself, and not only give it into the porter's ovm hand, 
 but waited in the hall while the butler took it in to my 
 lord, and a message was sent out to say, as his lordship 
 would send a hanswer ; but from that day to this, she Ve 
 never had none, and it has cut her up terrible, poor thing ;
 
 168 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 SO don't ee go for to say nothing to her about it Bob ; 
 now don't ee ?" 
 
 "Ha! it's very plain/' said Bob, clenching liis fist, and 
 shakuig it menacingly at a poor unoflPending black wedge- 
 wood teapot, which Avas the nearest thing within his reach, 
 and which, though it, and all its relations were celebrated 
 spouters, yet, on the present occasion, had not a word to 
 say in its own, or any one else's defence, and consec^uently 
 would have inevitably been floored if Ruby had not quietly 
 and mechanically moved it out of the way, which Bob, 
 not even perceiving, continued, as he tremblingly shook 
 his clenched hand, " It's very plain, then, if she wi^ote to 
 a good man, that she did not write to the only one she 
 ought to have ^vritten to, the infernal villain ! Oh ! if I 
 had only as much sense as could unearth him, I'd ask no 
 other wisdom !" 
 
 " Now dont ee Bob, pray dont ee, start oflf on that line. 
 You used to read your Bible once, indeed, we've read it 
 together a many times afore now, and you know what 
 Solomon says. ' The crooked cannot be made straight, 
 and that which is wanting cannot be numbered, and in 
 much wisdom, is much grief Do you remember, Bob, 
 that nice voUum of the ' Pilgrim's Progress' as you give me 
 when I married and left Pield Fleury?" And here Martha 
 wiped her eyes. " Dear heart, I've got it still, laid up in 
 lavender, and I'll lend it to ee, Bob, that's the least I may 
 do, and you'll see there how if Christian got into the 
 Slough of Despond, he was got out again ; and so will 
 you, and so shall we all, if we don't get ourselves too deep 
 down, by kicking and struggling, and trusting to our own 
 strength to get us out." 
 
 '' I wonder, Martha," said Bob, evidently still pursuing 
 his own train of thought, as his eyes wandered vacantly, 
 yet inquiringly, from Martha Ray's open honest face, to
 
 OR, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 169 
 
 the sno^\7 kerchief on her neck, and from thence to the 
 wedding-ring on her finger, as if instead of each and all 
 being " old familiar friends" as they were, they had been 
 some newly discovered, but yet unexplored marvels. 
 
 " I wonder, Martha, if there would be sufficient good in 
 Madam Mornington, with all her talk about ' lost sheep,' 
 and rescuing brands from the burning, if she'd have 
 sufficient good in her to do something for Mabel ?" 
 
 " Lawi' ! Bob, dont ee never go for to send the poor 
 little cretur who's as bright as the first primrose, to be 
 moped into a mummy down at Madam Mornington's ; the 
 looks of Mr. Luther alone, would be enough to give the 
 poor child the night-mare, and time soon slips away ; and 
 I shouldn't like her (from what I see of him when the 
 Guards is at the Tower) to come in the Cappen's way ten 
 year hence, or even in the way of the Cappen's man." 
 
 " Well, yes, just so," rejoined Bob, scratching the back 
 of his head, which pushed his hat still further over his 
 eyes ; " but you see the fact is, Martha, I've bought the 
 goodwill of a Circus, which will make me, (and now,) her 
 mother lead a more wandering life than ever ; and that's 
 no fit thing either for a girl that promises to be as hand- 
 some as Mabel ; and I thought if even for a while, Madam 
 Mornington — " 
 
 "Madam Mornington, be jezebelled," broke in the irre- 
 verent Martha, " I tell ee — ee might just as well give the 
 poor child to Sam Sedjeter at once to make a lamplighter 
 brother of her, or send her to them ere Agonypennywights, 
 out by the Quantocks, down beyond Bridgwater there, and 
 that ivould be a nice place for keeping on her out of harm's 
 way ; she'd be far safer soul and body, I can tell ee, with all 
 the publicans and sinners in Lunnun, than with they canting 
 hypocrites' brigade, as I call they Methodys, one and all, 
 whatever they may call their selves."
 
 170 
 
 " You are right, Martha," said Bob, with a sort of per- 
 plexed non-plussed look ; and then he added suddenly, as 
 if taking a leap out of a disagreeable thought, " But I 
 wish Martha, you'd come to church with us, too ? you 
 know people don't get married every day." 
 
 " Well, really, Bob, I should be glad to be in church 
 with ee once again ; you know it aint the fust time as 
 you and I have a been in church together neither ; Moses 
 used to give out the Psalms beautiful, to be sure, not like 
 the genral run of they sing-song parish clerks, but then 
 he'd had a college eddication ; I only wish as you'd a had 
 the same. Bob, and there's no knowing what you might 
 have been by this time." 
 
 " Of course, a bishop at the very least," laughed Bob, " or 
 a fellow of a college, perhaps ; but as I'm another sort of 
 fellow, who am going to be married, I wish you'd come to 
 church with us." 
 
 " Well, I'll tell ee what I'll do, Bob ; neighbour Edbrook 
 promised to come aa|d keep house for me this arternoon, 
 while we was all away in Eastcheap, and I'll just step in 
 and ask her if she could make it convenient to come in 
 this morning ; and if she can ; 111 go -with ee with all my 
 heart, and Ruby shall go too, for the more the merrier as 
 the saying is, but the fewer the better cheer, so I hope as 
 you aint a going to have too many. Bob, at ' The Boar's 
 Head,' cause though you have come into this here little 
 bit of property (which I was main glad to hear), still there 
 aint no use in a slicing on it all away directly, in jun- 
 ketting, and feasting, and such like." 
 
 " All right, Martha, that's safe enough ; I told you I 
 had invested it in the goodwill of a Circus." 
 
 " Oh lawr, ah, so you did ; and Tm very certain as you'll 
 never waste your money a feasting asses, as long as you've
 
 OB, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 171 
 
 got bosses to feed," and Mrs. Ray laughed heartily at this 
 piece of cutting satire, which not being levelled at any 
 one in particular was all the better qualified for serving 
 up the human race in general, en bechamel So,' finding 
 that Bob was honestly paying up his arrears of laughter, 
 she held up her gown and tripped nimbly over her own 
 threshold, and in so doing convinced him, that the ankle 
 he some three and twenty years before used to help over 
 the stiles in the Priory meadows at Field Fleury, was by 
 no means much the worse for wear. He had hardly time 
 to apologize to Ruby for not having brought her any 
 fairings, which he seldom returned without, to atone for 
 which omission he sang to her, 
 
 " Oh dear, what can the matter he, 
 Johnny's so long at the fair ?" 
 
 substituting 
 
 '• Bob is so long at the fair." 
 
 for the original Johnny, when Martha returned from her 
 embassy. 
 
 " Well, neighbour Edbrook '11 come, so me, and my 
 lambskin well go to church with ee Bob ; wont us, Ruby?" 
 
 " And pussy-cat, mew, with little white feet, is to go 
 too, isn't she, mother ? because she has mended her best 
 petticoat with silk, hasn't oo, pussy?" asked Ruby, giving 
 Smudge an affectionate hug. 
 
 " No, Smudge can't go, she must stay at home to look 
 aftesr the mice." 
 
 '' Oh ! yes, mother, do let Smudge go, too, I told her we 
 shoidd meet at the wedding ; she may go, now mayn't she 
 Bob, and look after the mice at your wedding ?" and poor 
 Ruby looked up into his face with her large, brown, affec- 
 tionate, though not very intelligent eyes, as if quite sure
 
 172 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 she should find an ally, and an advocate, in him ; but 
 alas ! had she been the wisest person in the world, a sort 
 of Solomon woofed with Socrates, she could not have been 
 more deceived in the degree of support she expected from 
 her friend in time of need, for Bob shook his head in grave 
 negation, as he joined forces with Martha, and said, re- 
 suming his slang, as he always did when facetious, "It 
 can't be done, Ruby, the church mice are too poor to 
 aftbrd to have any one to look after them, because ye see, 
 bishops, like the Bonasus, are hanimals has takes a deal of 
 feeding, so, that there aint livings enough, nor near, for the 
 rest of the clergy, for which reason there aint nothing at 
 all for curates, church mice, and such like. Besides, what 
 would they say at Newmarket or Ascot, if they heard that 
 Bob Bumpus had gone to church with an old cat at last ?" 
 
 Euby stared at him with both eyes and open mouth, 
 and not understanding one syllable of the reasons he had 
 given why Smudge could iibt assist at the wedding, she 
 did the very best thing to be done under all similar 
 circumstances, namely, concluded that they were all the 
 more cogent on that account, so kissing Smudge's " little 
 white feet," she apologized to her 'vvith a resigned sigh for 
 being obliged to leave her at home. 
 
 " I suppose Polly's stirring before this ? So now I'll go 
 up to her." 
 
 " Stop, bide here a minute, till I goes and tells her as 
 you're come. Bob, not to flurry her like," said Martha, 
 whose kind motive was to get Mabel out of the way, before 
 he went up, as she knew the poor mother had been crjdng 
 over her the whole morning, and she thought that was a 
 sort of prelude to the marriage, which the bridegroom 
 might not quite like ; so running nimbly up the three 
 flights of narrow, spiral, creaking stairs, Martha Ray,
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 173 
 
 knocked quickly at the front attic door, to show that she 
 was in ha.-?te, and the occupant, namely, Mary Marsham, 
 rose as hastily to open the door, seating the child she the 
 moment before had had on her lap on the bed, and holding 
 up the finger of her right hand to it, as much as to say, 
 "Hush !" while taking up her apron she dried her eyes 
 with the other. 
 
 " Come, come, any dear, now I can't have no crying to- 
 day, and the sun a setting on ye such a good example, and 
 shining out his very best, as he should do, for a wedding ; 
 and when we're all going to be as merry as grigs, and I'm 
 a going, and Kuby's going, so make haste, for Bob's 
 come, and I'll take Mabel out of your way, and help ee on 
 with your gowaid," cried Mrs. Ray, bustling into the 
 room, catching up the beautiful little girl (that was sitting, 
 as it were, under a forest of chestnut ringlets on the bed 
 where her mother had placed her), and altogether 
 affectmg a tremendous hurry, in order to conceal an 
 agitation she could not repress. 
 
 '• Mabel, come into the next room, and be a good girl, 
 and stay quiet a few minutes, and Mammy Ray will give 
 her all Ruby's bright patchwork to play with.'" 
 
 So saying, she carried off the child, and seating her on 
 the floor of the adjoining room, and showering down beside 
 her a bag-full of the most gorgeous and Tumeresque- 
 looking shreds and samples of divers printed cottons, she 
 closed the door on the delighted child, and returned to the 
 mother, who had so far commenced her bridal toilette as 
 to bathe her face and smooth her hair. 
 
 " You are, you always have been, very good, Mrs. Ray, 
 and I only wish I could prove to you how much I feel 
 yom- kindness," said the poor young woman, undoing all 
 the repairs the cold water had effected, by again bursting 
 into tears.
 
 174 
 
 "Prove to me, indeed, and so ee can, by being appy 
 and cheerful, for this one day at least ; but not another 
 tear, or I'll give ee notice to quit ; and what's ihore, Sam 
 Sedjeter shall serve ee with it, too." 
 
 This last dreadful threat the good woman enforced with 
 a stamp of her foot and her clenched right hand held out 
 behind her, according to the standard and traditional 
 model of not-to-be-tampered with vixens in all times, till 
 seeing a wan smile replace the tears on poor Mary 
 Marsham's pale face, and that she had now re-commenced 
 her toilette in earnest, by at length bringing the rebellious 
 waves of her hair into subjection under Mrs. Ray's own 
 gift of a new cap with bridal ribbons, that worthy woman 
 the while, treating both tragedy and comedy de liaut en has, 
 like the late David Garrick, by showing them that it was 
 vain for either to strive to engross her, now took her own 
 trim little waist in both her hands, and throwing back her 
 head, said with a smile as broad and as quiet as the fish- 
 pond at Hampton Court — 
 
 " Drat 1 the young women ; I don't know what they 
 want now-a-days. I only wish as Fd had the chance, 
 and that Robert Bumpus had took a fancy to me, — ^he 
 shouldn't have had no tears, I promise ee, only — 
 
 " ' Yes, if you please, kind sir, she said !' " 
 
 And here, Mrs. Ray began to sing — in a voice which, 
 perhaps from having been so long exposed to -the casual- 
 ties of a china-shop, had certainly got a little cracked ; 
 which she herself perceiving, reverted to oratory, saying, 
 " Ah ! I sup230se some of them there Oprer singers have 
 stolen my voice, for it's very certain as I've not got none ; 
 but what I was going to say was, that you wouldn't credit 
 how well, and how ^^w-teel Bob looks in his new clothes.
 
 OR, A PEKSON OP CONSEQUENCK. 175 
 
 I really think, even a doAAniright real lady might think 
 him good enough for her ; and " — 
 
 " Oh !" interrupted her companion, in a broken voice, 
 passing her hand over her eyes, " I know and feel, Mrs. 
 Ray, that he's a great deal too good for me." 
 
 " No he ain't ; so there ain't no use in ee shoving the 
 disparagement on 'tother side, for that don't suit neither. 
 Bob may have his faults, I don't say he has not ; but who 
 hasn't? — unless it be angels, and cherubims, and such 
 like, — as keeps to theirselves up above, and don't sociate 
 with such as us ; but I only ask ee, Mary Marsham, what 
 fine gent or lord of 'em all would have give you food and 
 shelter for five long year, loving the very ground as you 
 trod upon, — (for there's where the wonder lies), and yet 
 have kep out of your way, imtil such time as he had 
 wherewithal to marry you honestly and honourably ? I 
 say his conduct is beautiful, and ought to convert him 
 into a prince in any sensible ooman's eyes." 
 
 " It ought, indeed," sobbed the weeping Mary ; " and it 
 is for that reason I feel, that wrecked as I was when he 
 found me, and wrecked still more as every one thinks I 
 have been since (for Mr. Sedjeter has told me, more than 
 once, that every one thinks I have been living criminally 
 with poor Robert) — Oh ! Mrs. Ray, it is all this, that 
 makes me feel I am not worthy to be the wife of so gene- 
 rous and noble a soul." 
 
 " And what matter what all the world, and his wife to 
 boot, think, when ONE as sees all, your own conscience, 
 and Bob and I, know it's not so ; and as for all the rest, 
 I'm always for letting by-gones be by-gones ; and even 
 there, you have comfort, for you was snared, and not even 
 ticed, and seduced like to your own ruin ; and if you had 
 been a vicious hussy, you would have continued to wait
 
 176 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 on, and deceive the villain's wife, as he wanted you to do, 
 and then you might have been flaunting in your silks and 
 satins, like the rest on 'em ; for Beelzebub pays high wages 
 to those as does his work, — but you luouldnt; and though 
 one thing luas terrible, if you had know'd what you was 
 about, but you didn't, poor soul. And so I'm very sure, 
 if it had even been a sin of your own seeking, instead of 
 a diabolical snare as you could not avoid, Robert Bumpus 
 would have thought as the waters of the canal had washed 
 it all away. So do brighten up, and meet him happy and 
 cheerful like ; for, poor fellow, I know it's gnawing at his 
 heart, the thought as you marries him as a sort of pay- 
 ment, and 'cause you must, like a lamb being led to the 
 slaughter. And I know he thinks as you dreads his vaga- 
 bone-sort of life ; but you, only make him a happy home, 
 and I warrant he'll stay in it. High and low, it's all the 
 same, — men and women as hasn't got no hearts, always 
 wants to be dragging on their carcasses about the world ; 
 but them as has, depend upon it, wants a home to keep 
 'em in." 
 
 " But — but Mabel," sobbed the poor young mother. " I 
 have no right, Mrs. Ray, to thwart Robert's habits, and 
 gainsay his likings ; and yet they are not what I should 
 like to bring her up amidst." 
 
 "Then, Mary, you should master your dislike — your 
 pride — and write to her father to provide for her ; since 
 that 'ere lord — I forget his name — as you said was so 
 good, have never took no notice of your letter." 
 
 '* I did make the effort and writ^," sobbed the young 
 woman, sinking doAvn on the bed, and covering her face 
 with her hands. 
 
 " Come, that's right. And what did he say ?" 
 
 " Nothing. He never answered."
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 177 
 
 " Ugh ! tlie villciiud, he'll have to answer yet," muttered 
 Martlia. 
 
 '' But, bear up, Mary, bear uj), there's a good soul," 
 added she aloud, laying her hand on the poor creature's 
 shoulder. '"'After all, what is earthly fathers and mothers? 
 here to-day and gone to-morrow ; now cruel, now kind ; 
 changing like a vane as the wind blows ; but we have all 
 got a Heavenly Father, Mary, who never forsakes or 
 forgets us ; the same yesterday, to-day, to-morrow, and 
 for ever. Then you've no call to fret about Mabel ; they're 
 well kept whom He keeps. But I musn't stay chattering 
 here all day," and the good woman hastily brushed away 
 her tears to make way for a smile ; " for little as you may 
 think it, I promised Jack Rosinscrape this very morning, 
 that if there vras ajiy dancing I'd dance with him, and I 
 don't understand a wedding without dancing ; and now do 
 brighten up, there's a dear, now do ee ; and meet poor 
 Bob as if you was glad to see him ; well, I don't egzactly 
 mean that, neither, 'cause I know you are glad to see him ; 
 but what I meant was, as if you was glad it tvar your 
 wedding-day." 
 
 ''- Well indeed, I am glad, as glad as I shall ever be of 
 anything ; and I've put all his things ready for him in the 
 next room," said Mary, rising, and again bathing her face. 
 
 " Lawr bless you ! he don't want none of they old traps, 
 he's dressed beautiful, he is. You may suppose what it 
 is, and liaw fine feathers makes fine birds, when I tell ee, 
 that neither Ruby nor I knew him just now when he come 
 into the shop ; and aU the fault I finds with him is, that 
 he looks too like one of they scampish lords or gents, as 
 you sees about race-courses ; but I've no doubt, Mary, if 
 so be, as you'll only make him a home, you'll soon get 
 him out of they, and all other h'dd courses where he is in 
 VOL. I. N
 
 178 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 the habit of seeing on them sort of good-for-nothink 
 lords and gents, and so get him by degrees, and without 
 any spurring or driving, into the courses of a honest man ; 
 for I often says of Bob Bumpus, as I did of my grand- 
 mother Bartlet's Howard Padusay gownds, which she left 
 me when I was a girl, at the time as they wore the skirts 
 so skimpino, that there is stuff enough in him to make 
 half-a-dozen of your modern trumpery. 
 
 " As to the fashioning and trimming, that must be ac- 
 cording to your own fancy ; but I'm an old ooman, and 
 you're a young one, Polly ; but you may believe me, that 
 a good material, whether in haberdashery or husbands, is 
 always worth the trouble you bestow on it ; whereas, a 
 bad one in either article, there aint no use in wasting time 
 on, for you'll never have but your pains for youi- gains. 
 But now, my dear, as I can promise you that you have a 
 right good material, (though somewhat the worse in ap- 
 pearance, for tossing about in the mire, and moile of the 
 world's high-ways and bye-ways so long ;) the sooner as 
 you sets to work to tidy it up a bit the better ; so I wont 
 stay here a hindering on ee ; and so saying, Martha Kay 
 bustled out of the room with as much precipitation as she 
 had bustled into it, in the hope of setting her lodger an 
 example of alacrity. Still pursuing the same laudable 
 plan, when she reached the shop, by the eager manner 
 in which she raised herself on the tips of her feet, and 
 danced her hands about, she succeeded in conveying to 
 Bob an idea of her being a sort of ambulating electric 
 telegraph message of Mary's impatience to see him, as she 
 breathlessly called out on reaching the last staii', 
 
 " Come Bob, make haste, the time's a getting on ; and 
 though ?yo?^ be dressed and all so smart, "weve a got to get 
 ready, and Polly's nearly ready, and uatrally anxious to
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 179 
 
 see ee, so dont ee keep her waiting, for it wont look well 
 to day, of all days in the year." 
 
 " Anxious to see me," repeated Bob. " Martha, you're 
 the best little woman in the world, that's very certain," 
 added he, taking her by both arms, turning her round like 
 a te-to-timi, and then clearing three stairs at a time. 
 
 " Oh ! ay, that's all very fine," laughed she, " till one 
 Mrs. Kobert Bumpus comes a pushing me out of my 
 place, and then I should just like to know how I shall be 
 able to keep you to that bargain, and make you prove 
 your words. But I say, hist ! here. Bob, one moment, I 
 won't keep ee a minute." And as Bob not retracing a 
 single step, but flinging his long person horizontally over 
 the banister, so as to bring his ear close to Mrs. Eay's 
 mouth, holding tight on vnth his hands to the upper part 
 of the railing the while, she whispered to him : — 
 
 '' I only wanted to tell ee, as Mary have a wiitten to 
 that villaind about Mabel, and he've never took no notice, 
 therefore she cant do no more ; so dont ee go a raking 
 up old scores — ^now promise me, Bob, as you wont." 
 
 " If I could only get it out of my head," said Bob, 
 gloomily, relaxing his hold of the banister and regaining 
 his feet, as he descended the four steps, and came imme- 
 diately opposite to Martha, " If I could only get it out 
 of my head that she has a lingering liking for the wretch." 
 
 " Don't talk such nonsense to me / — I know better," 
 said Martha, stamping her foot ; "afore a thing can linger, 
 it must first come ; and she never had no liking for the 
 viUaind" 
 
 " Martha, what do you mean ?" said her companion, 
 tightly seizmg her wrist, while his eyes dilated, and his 
 breath came thick and short. 
 
 " Well, you needn't squeedge me so ; it's worse nor the 
 
 N 2
 
 180 thp: world axd his wife ; 
 
 rheumatiz, and I'll tell ce what I means. 'Tother night, 
 Mary and I, got a talking together about one thing or 
 another, and from talking we got to crying, and tears is 
 sure to open all the bolts and locks of a ooman's heart, 
 if every one on 'em was a Chubb ; and poor Polly she said 
 as I'd a been kind to her, and she didn't wish me to think 
 worse of her nor she deserved ; and so then she told me as 
 there had never been no liking in the case, but that that 
 ere villaind of a lord had given her something as had 
 made her insensible, and when he found that he could 
 not tice her, by fair means or foul, to live with him in 
 vice, why then he left her and his shame, for it warn't 
 hers, to starve 1 You knows the rest, Bob — the Padding- 
 ton Canal told it you, one 'cold winter's night, five year 
 ago," sobbed Martha Ray. 
 
 " Martha," said he, leaning his back against the wall, 
 and hastily untying his neck-kerchief, " for the last five 
 years IVe been carrying St. Paul's, or something to that 
 amount, about on my shoulders ; you have suddenly lifted 
 it off, and I feel too light to stand ; but — but — now its 
 great shadow is falling upon me, and the darkness is even 
 worse than the weight. If she never cared for that fiend, 
 whoever he is, and if she don't still care for him, why 
 should she refuse to let me know who he is ? " 
 
 " Oh, lawr ah ! — now don't ee go and gallop off" in that 
 ere vagary again ; and though she hates and despises 
 that ere villaind as much as he deserves to be hated and 
 despised, as she do care for you — — " 
 
 "Martha!" 
 
 " That, alone, would be quite reason enough to prevent 
 her telling on ee, for fear of your a getting into trouble ; 
 but, besides that, she've another reason, she was lady's- 
 maid to this here villaind's wife, and a nicer or a better
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 181 
 
 lady, slie says, never stepped, or dearer children ; so, for 
 the love of all these poor innocent, laAvful victims of this 
 wretch's, she don't want to expose liim." 
 
 " Bless yon, bless you, Martha ! for you've made me the 
 happiest fellow living this day," cried he, seizing the light 
 little figure before him, lifting it completely off the 
 ground, and, to the great disarrangement of her close, 
 prim, little Quaker-like cap, hugguig the mdow as tightly 
 as if she had been only a lemon, and his arms a pair of 
 colossal lemon-squeezers. 
 
 '• Drat ! the man, I do believe he's gone mad in good 
 earnest ; and tlien to towzel and fowzel all my cap and 
 handkerchief in this way ; a pretty thing, indeed — if Sam 
 Sedjeter had been at home, and caught us a hugging 
 in this manner behind the door, he would have had a 
 tale to tell the Lamplighter Bretheren. There — be off, 
 do !" added she, giving him a not very violent slap on 
 tlie face, "for it aint no way to pass your wedding- 
 morning a practising hecstacies on an old ooman ;" and 
 to the accompaniment of Martha Eay's merry laugh, 
 Bob once more cleared the creaking stairs, three by 
 three, without again being checked in his onward 
 course. 
 
 Mary, hearing his impatient step, ojDcned the door to 
 receive him, and thanks to Martha Eay's " last words," she 
 had had time to complete her very simple, but perhaps 
 for that reason very becoming toilet, of a plain white 
 muslin dress, and her face, usually so pale, was now 
 flushed with a slight but burning red, which heightened 
 the beauty of her small, delicate features, and lent an un- 
 usual brilliancy to her soft, hazel eyes ; nor was her 
 luxuriant nut-brown hair, smooth and satinny as a 
 pointer's ear, in its plain unpretending braids, the least
 
 J 82 THE WOELD AND HIB WIFE ; 
 
 part of lier attractions. Never before had she come so for- 
 ward to meet Robert Bmnpus, and never before, during 
 the five years he had given her a shelter, and she had 
 tried to liorhten the burden she felt she, and her child, must 
 be to his scanty and precarious means, by that most 
 hardly-earned of all blood-money, doing plain work for 
 the slop-shops, never had he seen her imder that beautify- 
 ing halo which di^ess, more or less, imparts to all women, 
 be they of nature's homeliest huccaback, ugliness, or of 
 her most regal gold tissue, beauty. 
 
 The efi'ect these combined causes of her imwonted 
 alacrity to meet him, and her unusually becoming attire 
 had upon him, was like that of a sort of complex elec- 
 tricity impelling him different ways, for he spontaneously 
 opened his arms to embrace her, as soon as he perceived 
 her at the door, and yet on reaching it he stepped back, 
 and said, 
 
 " Oh ! Mary, how beautiful you look !" 
 
 '' What," she enjoined, trying to smile and look happy, 
 as Martha had begged of her to do, " Mary already ! and 
 Polly no longer !" 
 
 " Well, the truth is," said he, taking her hand, drawing 
 it under his arm, and then raising it to his lips, as his 
 eyes filled with tears, " I felt as if you were too good for 
 me, a something above me, and that I daren't be so 
 familiar, and — and — I thiak so still, IMary ; and what's 
 more, if you think so ; it's not too late, I wont take advan- 
 tage of you, I — 111 settle half of what I've got upon you, 
 without hampering you with myself, for I know I am, I 
 must be, a scarecrow to you ; so only say the word, Mary, 
 and this morning — this minute — you shall see the last of 
 me/' 
 
 Touched to the very soul, by this crowning generosity
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 18S 
 
 of the rough, strange being who had abeady been sd 
 generous, so delicately kind to her through all the pinch- 
 ing pemiry of five long years, who had been to her a 
 marvel! and a mystery, of high and low extremes, — turning 
 aside the disgust his sordid rags and suitable language 
 were so well calculated to excite, by sudden revealings of 
 such a regalia of virtues as ought to, but as seldom do, 
 adorn the hearts of princes, — Mary Marsham burst into a 
 flood of passionate tears, as she felt for the first time that 
 she actually loved him, by feeling what a bleak, arid, in- 
 terminable desert, that poor wretched life he had brought 
 her back to would be, unless the hand that had saved, 
 M'as still there to uphold her. 
 
 " Eobert !" sobbed she, with a genuine burst of emotion, 
 as she hid her face on his shoulder, " you wouldn't, you 
 couldn't, be so cruel as to leave me ; for what have I in 
 this world but you V 
 
 '• Leave you ! Mary ? — Never ! — till my soul leaves my 
 body," cried he, losing all restraint and all his recent 
 respect in his sudden delirium of joy — and straming her 
 so convulsively to his heart that he really hurt her, and 
 was obliged to seat her on the bed, and support her with 
 his arm round her waist, as he added, " Only, would to 
 Heaven ! that for your sake, Mary, both body and soul 
 were better ; but so they shall be, for I'll change my very 
 skin, if you wish it." 
 
 "No, but I don't wish it," smiled she, through her 
 tears. " I only wish, dear Robert, for your own sake, 
 you would not frequent those horrid race-courses — high 
 or low, — I know they lead, or rather force men into all 
 that is bad." 
 
 This he endorsed with an involuntary shudder, as he 
 muttered a hoarse " I know it." But not to probe this
 
 J 84 THE WOPvLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 sore point, Mary said, laying her hand npon his shoulder, 
 " I did not mean, Robert, to say that^ either. I — I — 
 intended to tell you, painful as it is to me, all of my 
 history that you don't know ; but which it is right you 
 should know now." 
 
 " I won't hear a word — I know all — and I'm as happy 
 as a king !" — said he, interrupting her ; " besides, I want 
 to tell you all I've done, and mean to do, with our little 
 annuity— but all this time where is my little Mabel ? " 
 
 It was the first time he had ever called her his little 
 Mabel, or spoken so gaily of the child ; for though he 
 had invariably made her co-partner, with Euby, in all the 
 cakes and toys he imported from his various expeditions ; 
 still, the former had always been like a cold cloud between 
 him and Mary, and the mother felt this additional Idnd- 
 ness of his circling like sunshine round her heart ; and 
 poured out that heart upon him additionally. 
 
 " Robert, you are a good soul — but never mind Mabel ; 
 she's amusing herself, and we don't want her now." 
 
 It would have choked him to contradict her, so he 
 kissed her instead. 
 
 " Well, I can promise you, Mary, Ascot, Epsom, and 
 Newmarket have seen the last of me ; but you know I 
 love horses, and that's the truth of it." 
 
 "And poor Tatters," interrupted Mary, "no tidings of 
 him yet ? — poor fellow ; I was dreaming of him last 
 night." 
 
 "All! poor Tatters indeed, that just shows what 
 selfish brutes men are ; ever since I've been so happy in 
 this room with you, I've never once thought of him, poor 
 fellow ! yet while I thought he was the only thing in 
 the world that cared for me I grieved enough after him — 
 but truly, as Madam Mornington says, ' life is all thorns,'
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 185 
 
 and if it's not thorns it's bristles ! which are as bad," 
 added Bob, with a hxchrymose comicality — taking his 
 own unshorn chin between his finger and thumb — " and 
 that reminds me — " 
 
 "Of what, Robert?" 
 
 " That we have not been married a month, which is 
 very provoking and unfortunate just at this moment."- 
 
 " Wliy just at this moment, more than at any other ?" 
 smiled Mary. 
 
 " Because you see, I must shave ; and if you had been 
 ' bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh ' a month ago, 
 I could have shaved your ugly half, dear, here — com- 
 fortably in this room — and told you all my plans as I 
 rasped away, mthout taking it into the next room." 
 
 " Oh, if that — is all," laughed Mary, running to the 
 fire-place, and putting on a small tea-kettle to boil ; and 
 after reaching a mug off" of a shelf, and folding down a 
 towel on a small table, ready for the operation — "if that 
 is all, you may consider yourself married these ten years, 
 and shave at your ease in here." 
 
 " No, no," said Bob, faintly and coyly, putting his 
 hands up deprecatingly, as if se faisant une douce 
 violence, and all the time looking delightedly on, at 
 Mary's active preparations, and the neat, nimble way she 
 managed it all, without subjecting her snowy dress to 
 the risk of a single speck. " No, no, that would be too 
 bad ; I'm sure you'd never forgive me." 
 
 "You are greatly mistaken, for do you know now, 
 Robert, what I really should like, above all things ? " said 
 she, clasping his arm with both her hands, and looking 
 wistfully and coaxingiy into his face. 
 
 "No, I don't; but I know what / should like — and 
 that's it," said he, kissing her ; " it's not my fault if I've
 
 1 86 THE WOELD AND HIH WIFE ; 
 
 not been able to meet your wislies, but you know that 
 was only a random shot, for I haven't heard what they 
 were yet." 
 
 " Well, dear, what I should really like, would be to see 
 you shave every day." 
 
 "Then I'm shaved, as Naemiah Twigg, the Field- 
 Fleury sexton, calls it, and in spite of his prophecy, 
 that I never should be shaved ! for call me a Saint ! 
 a great Moralist ! the People's Friend I a Philanthro- 
 pist ! the Apostle of Progress ! the Champion of Civil 
 and Religious Liberty ! or any other popular patent 
 lock, for securing to men .the unmolested possession 
 of their private vices, if every day, from this 
 out, Bob Bumpus's chin is not as smooth as a 
 villain's tongue ; ihafs in the marriage- settlement, 
 Mary." 
 
 " Oh ! thank you, dear Robert ! and as there is nothing 
 like making a beginning, I'll run and get your razors out 
 of the next room." 
 
 And away she went, and returned in a moment, placing 
 them on the table, with a looking-glass, pouring out some 
 hot water into a mug, making a rather ostentatious dis- 
 play of Bob's solitary brush and comb, by dividing them 
 like two separate hemispheres, with the shaving-cloth 
 between them, and finally placing a chair before the 
 table with another unfolded towel at the back of it, till the 
 preparations wore more the appearance of those of a 
 toilette, than of a barber's shop, Bob watching her the 
 while as he slowly took off his coat, laid it on the bed, 
 and turned up his VTrist-bands, as this mise-en-scene 
 proceeded, to be ready when it was his turn to " come 
 on." 
 
 " Oh ! I forgot," cried this pretty female Figaro, sud-
 
 OR, A PEI^SON OF CONSEQUENCE. 187 
 
 denly, " the soap, but that's very soon done," and forth- 
 with, she proceeded with great energy to achieve a sapo- 
 nacious sort of syllabub in the soap-dish. " There /" said 
 she, admiringly holding up a sample of this sham snow- 
 wreath on the brush ! 
 
 " That's your sort," said Bob, throwing his arms round 
 her, and hugging her. 
 
 ''Oh ! mercy!" said she, freeing herself, "'pon my word 
 your beard is terrible ! 'tis like having one's face drawn 
 thi'ough a quickset hedge, to come near it. "There," 
 added she, giving him a dab with the shaving-brush, " the 
 only way brambles ever look well, is covered with snow." 
 
 " And is there nothing else you have to ask ? Nothing 
 more you would like put in the marriage-settle- 
 ment?" asked Bob, seating himself in the chair; 
 puttLQg his arm round her, and drawing her towards 
 him, as he looked up into her face with such a 
 depth of affection, such an extent of devotion, that 
 all that was common-place, and plain, and of the 
 earth, earthy, seemed to have vanished from his homely 
 features, leaving in its stead, an undefinable, but spiritua- 
 lizing halo ; the halo, in fact, of that o?ie spark of sacred 
 fire, which however rude the temjDle, where the "creed" is 
 sincere, illumines the altar which it hallows. 
 
 "Well, there is one thing more, that I should like," 
 said Mary, whose humid eyes retm-ned his look of affec- 
 tion as she tied the napkin round his neck ; and even 
 performed the supererogatory work of drawing out the 
 ends, as if they had been those of a knot of ribbon ; 
 more it must be confessed on the principle that men 
 whistle "for want of thought," or rather, from thinking 
 of something else. 
 
 " Anything, — everything !" said Bob, holding the razor
 
 188 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 in abeyance, and accompanying his concluding protestation 
 with a pantomimic flourish of that weapon. 
 
 " Anything, everything, even if it's to cut off my head — 
 couldn't be a better place than Tower Hill for such a 
 spree to come off, because it's used to it, and there's a 
 gTeat deal in that ; so what is it, my polyanthus ? only 
 say the word, and the thing, be it what it may, is done, 
 fast as an act of Parliament, or rather a little faster as to 
 time, or we might be all dead and buried before it was 
 done." 
 
 " Naughty Bob, to talk so ; what I want, that is what 
 I wish, is quite the reverse of taking off, it's putting on." 
 
 Here Bob, to prove how literally he meant to do what 
 ever she asked him, seized the shaving-biush, and like an 
 artist under the throes of a sudden inspiration, boldly 
 dashed in, one side of his chin with lather. 
 
 " What I really do wish, very much," continued Mary, 
 '' is — now you won't be angry ?" 
 
 " Go in for a husband hurricane," smiled Bob. 
 
 " Well, I wish," said she, bending down and whispering 
 the terrible aspiration in his ear, '•' that you would never 
 disfigure yourself with those nasty rags any more, but 
 every day, dress as you are to-day, for you cannot think 
 how much better you look." 
 
 " Dress like a gentleman every day, eh, Polly ? but 
 what if I were to take to behaving like a gentleman, too ? 
 that might be a bad look out for you ; because there's no 
 chance of the gentlemen's mves, slave-trade being 
 abohshed, poor things ; no, no, the gentlemen of England 
 will take good care that there is no Uncle Tomnoddying 
 about that ; possession's nine points of the law, and 
 oppression they find worth all the other eight put together, 
 so they are not very likely to give it up."
 
 t)Fv, A TEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 189 
 
 But seeing a dark shade pass over Mary's fiico, he added 
 gaily, whetting the razor with great alacrity — 
 
 " I've not told yon all I've done, and all my plans yet, 
 Polly ; first of all, I've got Moses a permanent scholar, 
 and next, I've got a gentleman to interest himself to get 
 Ned wherewithal to go abroad and travel, that he may 
 see better skies than we can manage to get up here, at 
 double the cost, for there are no taxes in less civilized 
 countries ; and as poor Ned's whole soul is ground do^vn 
 in his colours, I didn't think it fair to keep all the good 
 luck to myself, so I put in a good word for Moses's birch, 
 and Ned's brush, to the gentleman who settled this fifty 
 pounds a-year on me for a little service I had done him." 
 
 "AVhat was it?" interrupted Mary, with a compound 
 look of approbation and gladness that amounted to the 
 best sort of love in the world, that derived from reality, 
 instead of from imagination, which look, seeing reflected 
 in the glass. Bob coloured to the very roots of his hair, as 
 he swindled Mary out of more admiration that he was not 
 legitimately entitled to, by saying — 
 
 " Look you here, my little better-half, there are two 
 things, that should always be stowed away under the 
 same padlock, services, and kisses, we should do neither, if 
 we mean to tell them." 
 
 " I'm sure," said Mary, affectionately pressing down his 
 shoulders, while her eyes now fairly overflowed, "you 
 never would boast of any service you did any one, you 
 dear, good old fellow ; but I thought you wrote me word 
 this fifty pounds a-year was a legacy you had come into ?" 
 
 " Pooh ! — all my usual random way of writing and 
 speaking. But take care, or I shall make a false start," 
 added he, making that atrociously unbecoming (but luckily 
 moveable) long upper lip, peculiar to shavers and anti-
 
 190 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 quated specimens of vestal propriety ; which was only a 
 clever strategy, on his part, to give himself time to change 
 the subject. " There goes," added he, wiping the razor 
 on the cloth, " what in another month would have been a 
 considerable amount of moustachios. So frail a flower is 
 beauty, and so soon cut ofi" ! — as the bits of morality in 
 the w«-popular tales in the spelling-books tell us. But, 
 Polly, listen with both your ears, and all your might, for 
 now comes our part of the story. As I told you, my race 
 is run ; which, turned on the right end, means that from 
 this out, race-courses and Eobert Bumpus are two. But 
 the horses, Mary — the horses, poor innocent things — 
 there's no harm about them, unless it be the jockeys who 
 ride them, and the men who bet upon them ; and the 
 truth is, I'd rather part with my own skin than theirs. 
 So in one word, (which is the guinea of twenty, where it is 
 to the point), IVe bought the goodwill of a Circus." 
 
 " The goodwill of a Circus ! why, Bob, I should have 
 thought that would have cost several hundred pounds, at 
 the least." 
 
 "Well, so it would, if I had bought the horses and 
 other properties, and all that ; but, of course, that for me, 
 at present, is out of the question ; so, the way of it is 
 this — I'm to take the money at the door, do the philo- 
 sophical clown, who may tell as many truths and talk as 
 much sense as he likes, without any danger to himself, the 
 people being under the delusion (as that's what they paid 
 for) that it is only nonsense they are listening to. Occa- 
 sionally, also, I'm to sing a comic song; for this, I'm 
 not to be paid ; but for the first two years to pay twelve 
 pounds a-year, the first year of which I have paid in ad- 
 vance, but at the end of these two years, if they find that 
 I bring grist to the mill, why, then, they are to give me
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 191 
 
 twenty per cent, on the profits. But now comes the 
 best part of the bargain — the concern is to be in my 
 name, no longer in Chepstowe's ; so, not only will the 
 name of Bumpus extend from pole to pole ! that is, to 
 the six iron poles which support the canvass of the 
 Circus ; but my Polly will every day of her life behold, 
 what othei-wise, perhaps, she might never have been able 
 to discover — 
 
 "BUMPUS'S UNEIVALLED ATTKACTIONS!!" 
 
 And here, Bob, taking his own now smooth chin gmgerly 
 between his finger and thumb, leered at her with a face of 
 such gTotesque and irresistible comicality, that, grieved as 
 she had been the minute before at this new enterprise of 
 his, she, in spite of herself, burst into an uncontrollable 
 fit of laughter, which she had some difficulty in stopping, 
 especially as taking her waist in both his hands, and com- 
 pressmg it, he said — 
 
 " Don't, now pray don't, you'll go all to pieces, and think 
 w^hat a take-in that will be, for the money I invested in a 
 license, and the fees I have to pay the Chaplain of the 
 Forces in another hour or two, was because I liked you 
 altogether. Ahem ! but ''Chepstowe," added Bob, re- 
 beating himself before the glass, and flinging the brush 
 over his hair much after the manner a weaver throws his 
 shuttle, " yes, I must say, Chepstowe has behaved very 
 handsomely, I am only to find my own raddle and chalk, 
 he finds the motley, the hoops, flags, wigs, ladders, empty 
 bottles, and childi'en." 
 
 " Empty bottles and children 1 " repeated Mary, con- 
 siderably mystified by the classification. 
 
 **Yes," responded Bob, with a flourish of the razor, 
 modelled on Julien's flourish of Ids baton, "yes, the
 
 192 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 bottles for nie to stand on my head on, and the children 
 to stand as much as they can, poor little kids/' 
 
 And he sighed as he ^viped the razor, as though the 
 reflection were equally sharp. 
 
 " Stand on your head on bottles ! how shocking, 
 Robert ! surely you'll never do such a silly, dangerous 
 thing as that ?" 
 
 " Why not ? division of labour, dear, that's all ; if my 
 head can stand so many bottles, I don't see why so many 
 bottles should not stand my head, for turn about's fair 
 play all the world over. But," added Bob, seeing Mary's 
 aghast look, and thinking this a good opportmiity again 
 to assert, and finally establish the fact of Pinch and Skins, 
 which in order to do in the most mianswerable manner 
 possible, he once mor^ made that very unbecoming long 
 upper lip, and affected to be contending with difficulties 
 in solving some problematic stubbles (which were purely 
 mythological), '•' it's astonishing what affectionate creatures 
 these poor little wretches are, considering how they've 
 been trotted about the world, and trundled through 
 hoops, and only given one leg to stand upon half their 
 time ; for just giving them a few sugar-plimis has made 
 them so fond of me abeady, that they luill call me Uncle 
 Bob ; Uncle Bob, there's for you ! but if it pleases them 
 it does me no harm ; therefore, why should I un-uncle my- 
 self? It's not well to be over-nephewed and nieced 
 certainly, but a slight infusion is safe, if not salutary." 
 
 Not daring to make the investigation as to what effect 
 this announcement had on Mary, through the more direct 
 medium of looking at her, he looked in the glass and 
 saw her sweet gentle face in a sort of partial eclipse, as 
 it were from some sombre thought, but still, whatever it 
 Was, it was certainly one more of sorrow, than of anger^
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 193 
 
 which as it not only pained, but puzzled him, he deter- 
 mined to solve the problem at once with a 
 
 "Don't you think so, Polly?" 
 
 "Yes, I know, dear, you are very, very kind to chil- 
 dren," said she, with a half abstracted air, as if that 
 tribute to Bob's benevolence only shadowed the substance 
 of her thought, "but " 
 
 " But what, Mary T 
 
 " You don't wish, that is, dear, you don't mean, to make 
 Mabel one of these poor Circus children, do you ?" 
 
 Bob — not only radiant in the propriety of his intentions 
 respecting Mabel, but also considerably relieved that, 
 thanks to Mary's anxiety about her own child, Orlando 
 and Angelina had been thrown as it were into the bar- 
 gain, without any awkward questioning or cross-question- 
 ing: — now announced the completion of his tonsureal 
 operation by flinging down the razor, jumping out of his 
 chair, and catching her in his arms. 
 
 " Mabel ! no ; what put such a notion as that into your 
 head, Polly ? No, no, we'll take better care of our little 
 girl than all that comes to. I've been racking my brains 
 for the last three weeks to think where, and with whom 
 would be the best, and safest place for her to be, and it's 
 only just struck me like a flash of lightning " 
 
 " Dear, good, kind Robert !" interrupted Mary, pressing 
 his hand, as the tears streamed down her cheeks, " but — 
 but — do you know whether your mother would like the 
 trouble of her r 
 
 " Whew ! I was not thinking of my Mother, that would 
 be no place for ?ier ; beer and boors on one side, and boys 
 and birch on 'tother ; neither would Madam Morning- 
 ton's, though I did think at one tune of interceding with 
 her, to do something for the child, as she's fond of 
 
 VOL. I.
 
 194 THE WOULD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 nicddling in, and managing other people's aftairs, till I 
 recollected that saints seldom have any Christian feeling, 
 and when you want bread, if they don't literally give you a 
 stone (perhaps because they'd have the trouble of stooping 
 down to pick it up) yet, they are sure to compound with 
 their treasury, and give you a text. Moreover, Madam 
 Mornington, just now, is full of a new public display. 
 She has bought, from an Irish lord — a Lord Inishowen — 
 a large old barn, that has stood empty for many years on 
 some property of his, behind the Priory Close. You 
 know nothing of Field Pleury, yet, Polly, or you would 
 know what a dismal horror of a place this is — just fit 
 for such miserable mummery as Madam Mornington is 
 carrying on, and I understand she, and the Irish lord are 
 at loggerheads already, for this barn she has converted 
 into a Meeting-house, and stuck up over it in large 
 letters, that all who run, may read : — 
 
 THE ATAT ARK OF SALVATION, 
 
 OR 
 
 SINNERS' AWAKENING SANCTUARY. 
 
 Atat, Mr. Cleveland, the vicar of Field Fleury, told 
 Moses, means, in Hebrew, hard words ; and, sure enough, 
 no one following in Madam Mornington's wake is Hkely 
 to get much else. But it seems that she wanted to buy 
 this precious concern out-and-out, but the Irish lord 
 would not consent to this, thinking, no doubt, he'd reap 
 a better harvest from such folly, as each succeeding crop 
 of fools sprang up, and so he insisted upon retaining the 
 right of having the pews let — subject to his approval — or 
 rather, himself receiving the produce of them as rent for 
 the building, which she could not persuade him to let her 
 have as a freehold ; and Spriggs, the Captain's groom, tells
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 195 
 
 me they are always squabbling over this, and a sponge of 
 a field at the back, leadhig to a confusion of consumptive- 
 looking trees and tangled weeds — very properly called the 
 ' Wilderness,' where, once a year, at Midsummer, Madam 
 Mornington takes her ' lambs ' (as she calls them) though 
 the poor little wretches look more like laths. These are all 
 the children from the National School, with switches in 
 their hands, and blue calico pocket-handkerchiefs, cut 
 corner-ways, flickering from one end of them by way of 
 flags, with a text from Scripture printed on each of 
 them ; and whatever text the poor little kids carry, by 
 that, he or she, is called (instead of by their own name) 
 for that day, which Madam Mornington would fain per- 
 suade them is a high day. 
 
 After being marshalled by her and Mr. Luther, two- 
 and-two, like those flocks of geese one meets on the road 
 coming up to the London markets, they are marched off" 
 to the ' Wilderness,' to sing hymns among the hemlock 
 and nettles at the back of ' The Atat Ark of Salvation,' 
 and spout texts among the toad-stools till six o'clock, 
 when they are marched back to the school-house, where 
 the tin tea-pots begin to spout, and after them Mr. 
 Luther ; and which pours out the weakest and washiest 
 stuff" it would be impossible for any but a conjuror, or 
 a chemist, to decide. And this, they are told, is a holy 
 day ; and so it may be, for it's certainly not the least like 
 a holiday. Then there is Miss Worrybones' pious esta- 
 blishment for young ladies : where, notwithstanding all 
 the piety, parsing, and primness, vagabond as I am, I should 
 be sorry to place a cat, much less a child, I cared for. 
 
 " But, in the midst of this cant, there is one conscience 
 among all these talkers — there is one doer, in short, and 
 among so many sects — there is one, Samaritan, who has 
 
 o 2
 
 196 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 done more good in the twelve years she has been in Field- 
 Fleury, than Madam Mornington has talked in fifty ; for 
 she has a school of her own, where the children are taught 
 not texts, but the Scriptures ; all the giils are taught 
 everything that women of thek sphere ought to know of 
 household and needle-work ; and all the boys are taught 
 trades. She makes them all pay according to their means, 
 from twopence, to half-a-crown a week, and with this 
 money she has set up a savings' bank for the children ; 
 besides which, any stray money they get, instead of 
 spending it in trash, she begs of them to put half of it, if 
 only a farthing, into this bank. If they mllingly give up 
 the whole of their little stock, she is all the better pleased ; 
 and each child who arrives at ha-sing a shilling in the 
 bank, gets on. this shilling a penny a quarter interest. 
 But when any of them or their parents are ill, all the 
 shareholders in this little bank contribute to theii' neces- 
 sities. Wlien the children grow up, and are old enough 
 to go to service, they then receive sufficient of their own 
 money to give them an outfit; and if they, instead of 
 foolishly spending them, will continue to place their wages 
 there, they receive a higher rate of interest than they 
 would elsewhere ; and any of the girls that behave better 
 than the others, she generally rewards by taking them for 
 a time into her own house, and making thorough good 
 servants of them. 
 
 " But it is when the poor people are ill that she is, in- 
 deed, a providence and a blessing to them. She does not 
 text them, she tends them ; for one of her maxims is, that 
 ' in health we should take care of the soul, and in illness 
 of the body, — for in truth the soul's health is a matter of 
 more moment than to be put off to the weariness of a 
 sick-bed, or the chances of a dying one.' But, of course, all
 
 OR, A PERSON Olf CONSEQUENCE. 197 
 
 this is too like the real thing, and too quiet and imsound- 
 ing, to suit Madam !Mornington, who is all for tinkling 
 cymbals, and sounding brass ; and so, of course, she does 
 all she can to cry down this good lady in every way. But 
 nevertheless, Polly, it's this good Lady Clairville that I 
 mean to ask to take Mabel ; and then no fear but she'll be 
 well, and right weU brought up — that is, fit both for 
 heaven and earth." 
 
 " But will the lady take her, think you 1 And the cost, 
 Eobert, can you afford it ?" 
 
 " She takes six children, to feed, clothe, and educate, at, 
 you may say, her own cost, for all these six pay her, is one 
 shilling a week each ; and even this does not go towards 
 their maintenance, but into the ' Juvenile Savings' Bank," 
 for their future use." 
 
 " What a good lady ! But she must be very rich to do 
 all this ?" said Mary, as tears of joy and hope now glistened 
 in her eyes. 
 
 '' On the contrary, they say she is very poor, for she, 
 poor soul, has the benefit of one of your fine gentlemen 
 fashionable husbands, who knows how to screw a wife 
 down to the uttermost extent of that unlimited liability, 
 which the English laws allow to gentlemen as to the piece- 
 meal murder of their wives, for there are no magistrates, 
 police-offices, and hard labour for them. Oh dear, no ! 
 brutaUzing wives and children in high life, is what they 
 call ' private affairs,' which nobody, and least of all the 
 law, has any business to meddle with, so snug's the word ; 
 and the more vicious a brute of a man is in every relation- 
 ship of private life in England, the better he is sure to get 
 on in that great national soap-bubble — public life." 
 
 '•That's true enough," murmured Mary, passing het* 
 hand over her eyes.
 
 198 THB WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 " But Lady Clairville's great secret of doing so much 
 good," continued Bob, is knoiuing how to do it ; knowing 
 when things are ill done, and finding fault is easy enough ; 
 that comes under the head of natural abilities. But there 
 is not a common useful household art that she inculcates, 
 that she can't also tell and teach the shortest, cheapest, 
 and best way of doing it. The only return she asks for 
 all this good, which to Madam Mornington's great envy 
 and discontent she has sown broad-cast through the 
 village of Field Fleury, and the neighbouring town of 
 Twaddleton, is implicit obedience on the part of the 
 children, for they say she is very particular ; and if she 
 only tells a child to thread a needle with one end of the 
 thread, they must not do it with the other ; for as she 
 says all the miseries of life spring from confusion and 
 disorder, and that carelessness, forgetfulness, and indolence 
 are all mere habits, that may be easily conquered in youth. 
 If one of the children leaves a book, a thimble, a cup, or 
 a platter out of its place, which it is their business to put 
 away, she makes them when out, return a mile ; or, if in 
 bed and asleep, get up and go do-vvn to put them away, 
 till she gets them into such a perfect routine of regularity, 
 that a barometer would as soon think of going -vvi^ong, 
 because the weather was not steady to one point. They 
 are mostly educated to be servants, as befits their station, 
 but they are all free to choose what department of service 
 they would like, and there is no fear of theii' not being 
 fit for it. Now, is my Polly satisfied that our little girl 
 will be taken care of ? and Avon't be trundled through a 
 hoop at a Circus?" 
 
 " Dear, good Robert ! I should be only too happy," 
 said she, laying her hands on his shoulders, and looking 
 up into his face, " if I thought, that is, if I was sure that
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 190 
 
 this good, kind, Lady Clairville, would, that is, could take 
 Mabel, but you said she only took six children to bring 
 up entii'ely." 
 
 "I did so ; but my mother told me that she had now 
 four-and-twenty, six of which had just gone to their 
 first situations, and as it is not every child that she will 
 take into her own house, I don't suppose these six vacan- 
 cies ^vill be snapped up before I get back to Field Fleury, 
 where I must be the day after to-morrow. What's my 
 Polly thinking of, eh?" 
 
 " I was thinking, dear, that I wondered you had never 
 before thought of applying to this charitable lady about 
 Mabel, so kind and considerate as you always are to 
 me." 
 
 " Why, you see, Fm not often down at Field Fleury 
 now, and seldom longer there than for a couple of 
 days at a time ; and, though each time I have heard 
 of Lady Clairville's doings, and of Madam Morning- 
 ton's ^preachings, I never gave much heed to either — and 
 then — and then," added he, lowering his voice and lean- 
 ing his cheek against hers, " I thought it would be better 
 w^hen we could both go and ask her to take our little 
 girl." 
 
 Mary's only reply was a kiss, and one large tear, which 
 fell upon his hand ; but he, having kissed this away, she 
 said, hiding her face upon his shoulder — 
 
 "But — but, Robert, we must not deceive this good 
 Christian lady ; we must tell her all." 
 
 " Of course — nobody's going to be deceived ; we are 
 all going to be happy, in spite of Madam Mornington, 
 'The Atat Ark of Salvation,' Nahemiah Twigg, and all 
 the other dismals put together," cried Bob, flinging the 
 towel up to the ceiling, and making a pirouette, that
 
 200 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 seemed to indicate his intention of following it, all of 
 which hilarity was merely to divert Mary's thoughts into 
 another channel, which she fully comprehending, said, 
 with a smile — 
 
 " Who, on earth, is Nahemiah Twigg ?" 
 
 " AVell, he is now a very great personage ! for, at 
 present, he is one of the High Priests of 'The Atat 
 Aek of Salvation,' being only just caught, but was 
 formerly only sexton at St. Margaret's Beechcroft, and 
 also at Twaddleton. 
 
 His discourse was here interrupted by a sharp, quick 
 knock at the door ; and, in answer to Mary's " Come in," 
 in rustled Martha Eay, in all the glories of the lavender- 
 coloured, flowered, Padusay silk, which, like human hair 
 under the influence of fright, (as the apocrypha of natural 
 history, article man, sets forth) stood on end, for it was, 
 in truth, one of the choicest remains of her grandmother 
 Bartlett's, before alluded to, legacy. 
 
 " I'm sorry to disturb ee, but lawr ! as your a going to 
 be married, youll have enough, and to spare of each 
 other's company by-and-bye ; so there ain't no use in 
 your forestalling the course of ewents, so I just come to 
 tell 66, as the time's a-gettmg on, for it only wants five 
 minutes to eleven, and Spriggs, the cappen's groom, he've 
 bin here, and says as the chaplain is a breakfasting along 
 with the cappen, and a lot of other gents, and as they's a 
 going down the river after, as fur as Twickenham, you 
 wasn't to keep him waiting on no account ; so put on 
 your bonnet, my dear, I'll help ee on with your mantle, 
 for all the world just like the old mode cloaks as was in 
 my grandmother Bartlett's chest ! there, that'll do, you 
 look as fair as a lily — but 'a bonny bride is soon 
 busked,' as my poor dear Kay used to say. But now I
 
 OR, A PERSON OP f'ONSEQUENCE. 201 
 
 must go and see that Ruby's all right." So saying, 
 their active, kind-hearted, little landlady, bustled out of 
 the room as she had bustled into it, accompanied by the 
 retrospective rustling of the flowered Padusay, and the 
 pit-a-pat of her high-heeled shoes upon the boarded floor, 
 considerately anxious to consign Mabel for the day to the 
 care of " neighbour Edbrook," and the blandishments of a 
 new doll.
 
 202 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 CHAPTER VL 
 
 THE ANIMALS IN THE TOWER — A MARRIAGE IN LOW 
 LIFE, WHERE NEVERTHELESS THE BRIDE FAINTS AS 
 IF SHE HAD BEEN A LADY. — THE BREAKFAST BEFORE 
 THE WEDDING. 
 
 JORGEOUS looked the scarlet, and gold Beefeaters 
 in the morning's sun at the Tower-gate, as the soft 
 breath of a September day (too great a connoisseur 
 to mistake the red, and white, and purple knots of ribbon 
 round their black velvet hats, for a garland of sweet peas) 
 passed over, without stirring them, and blithely flitted 
 the sun-beams in their elfin dance over the Tower-green, 
 as blithely as if it had never been irrigated with human 
 blood, whose only crime was having none ; that, being the 
 crime ^ar excelleiice which tyrants, whether monarchical, 
 or marital, can never pardon. Why, that said ill-paved, 
 flinty, not exactly square, but parallelogram, should still re- 
 tain (even if it had ever deserved) the nai^e of the Tower- 
 green, Old Father Time, Old Father Thames, and their 
 muddle-headed Heir-at-Law, Tradition, only know! Unless
 
 on, A PERSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 203 
 
 it be, from its still-serving as a sort of waste-pipe, for the 
 superfluous idleness of the verdant young guardsmen, who 
 during their incarceration in the Tower, resort to it, for 
 change of dulness, and as a sort of ovation (though quite 
 unintentional on their part) to the manes of Sir Walter 
 Raleisfh, whiff their Havannahs under the windows of 
 " the Lieutenant's lodgings." 
 
 Be this as it may, on the morning in question, from 
 one of the windows of the mess-room leant two figures, 
 one, apoplectically swathed in regimentals belonging to 
 Captain Mornington ; the other, luxuriating in all the 
 delightful, but anything but becoming laisser-aller of a 
 Noah's-arkish-looking black silk paletot, and all-rounder, 
 appertaining to Sir Hugh De Byons. They had half 
 breakfasted, and en attendant the grill, were as a sort of 
 entr'acte — homceopathically inhaling the morning air, 
 which passive duty they diversified, by what they (ion- 
 sidered c?e5 j*ew« innocens ; such as taking, and making 
 observations on the ankles of the few straggling "females" 
 who ascended the steps or crossed " the green ; " or trying 
 a little digital ball-practice, by aiming small bullets of bread 
 at their eyes, or noses, in passing to and fro, in which intel- 
 lectual pastime, they, without any of the envy which 
 generally pollutes emulation, from time to time, encouraged 
 each other, by a sotto voce — 
 
 '' Well hit ! Mornington." 
 
 " Bravo ! De Byons." 
 
 But no sooner did their victims turn round to see from 
 whence the missile came, than they pleaded " not guilty," 
 by, with the gravest faces imaginable, looking round to 
 join in the inquiry ; saying out loudly, ''What a shame !" 
 and then adding, in the blandest tone possible, as they leant 
 still further out of the window to express the extent of 
 their anxiety, " I hope you are not hurt ?'
 
 204. THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Whereupon, the unsuspecting '' Female,'' if arrived at 
 motherly, or still more, at grandmotherly years, of expe- 
 rience, and who, therefore, had long ago solved the 
 problem of " the '•' origin of evil,'"' by the one word 
 " BOYS ! " would drop a curtsy to the gentlemen, and 
 shaking her head at the empty space between her, and the 
 innocent " White tower,'' would mutter something about 
 the '' howdaciousness of them good-for-nothink boys P^ 
 and mend her pace, as it was impossible to mend their 
 manners. But were the victims yomig, though more 
 innocent, being also more quick-sighted, a deep blush, 
 and a hurrjdng onward, were the only notice they took, or 
 defence they made against the attack, when the wit (J) 
 from the window would be, '' By Jove ! Bowes, I prefer 
 your Miss, to my hit!' 
 
 Within the room were assembled a party of five, com- 
 prising a Scotch, and Welsh cornet, Messrs. Cameron and 
 Owen, then on duty at the Tower, Mr. Atterbury, the 
 chaplain of the forces, a worthy descendant of the worthy 
 prelate of that name, Monsieur de Bussy, the French 
 attach^, and Mr. Spencer Thornbeny, the barrister. The 
 three last, being Captain Morning-ton's guests, who had 
 come to breakfast to join the party to Twickenham. 
 While the Amphitryon and Sir Hugh De Byons were 
 sunning, or it might be snohhing themselves at the window, 
 a vehement argument was going on among the others, 
 touching the realities or absurdities of spirit-rapping ; 
 Messrs. Gordon, Cameron, and De Bussy bemg the pros, and 
 the chaplain, Mr. Thornberry, and Mr. Morgan Owen, the 
 cons. Mr. Cameron was not only relating an extraordinary 
 mutiny of the mahogany, and emeute among the decanters, 
 to the accompaniment of supernatural noises, to which he 
 had been eye and ear witness at, or rather after a dinner,
 
 OB, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCB. 205 
 
 "a lot of fellows had given at the Clarendon" a few 
 evenings before ; but also took the trouble of going back 
 all the way to the days of Wallace, and knocking an 
 ancestress of his up out of her dust, who in her time had 
 been celebrated for her faculty of second-sight, more espe- 
 cially after having mixed her husband's, the Laird's, fourth 
 tumbler of toddy ; and who as far back as those days, had 
 left an authentic record of the mysterious raps that used 
 to be heard at night in the turrets of the paternal dwelling- 
 place, Crinacranky Castle, which record she had bequeathed 
 as one of the most precious heir-looms to her descendants. 
 
 " Ugh, you are quite right to hold on by it, Cameron," 
 l)ut in Mr. Thomberry, wdth a guttural explosion between a 
 growl and a chuckle, as he helped himself to some more 
 caveir, " for though ancestors are as abundant as oatmeal 
 in Scotland, yet it is very few of them that have left their 
 descendants a rajJ ; so you have every reason to be 
 proud of, and gTateful to, the exceptional Chatelaine of 
 Crinacranky." 
 
 But the excited Celt, guiltless of the pun, impervious to 
 the laugh it had raised at his expense, and intent upon the 
 one point of argimientative victory, said, with a sort of 
 general appeal to all the rest, as he stirred his tea into a 
 little maelstrom — 
 
 "And yet, Owen," or as he pronounced it, ''Awen won't 
 admit of even the possibility of sperit-ropping." 
 
 "Of course I won't," responded the Kmited-liability 
 Comet, excoriating another prawn, which apparently was 
 one of the things that he did understand perfectly ; 
 "of course I won't, for I never admit what I don't 
 understand." 
 
 " Diantre ! mon cher," cried Bussy, wiping his moustache, 
 and then laying his napkin across his lap. " Vos receptions
 
 206 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 seront alors fichument bornes, voiis etes il parait une 
 espece du petit Arago." 
 
 " Et vous," rejoined Owen, struggling between an over- 
 plus of muffin and a deficit of French, so that before he 
 could finish his sentence, the attache replied with a 
 complacent twirl of his moustache — 
 
 '*Moi, mon cher, j'admets tons, meme les femmes, 
 quoiqueje ne les comprends pas ; ahem! categoric de tous 
 les j^hilosophes anciens, et modernes." 
 
 *' Weel, but surely Mester Otterhury you, as a clargymon, 
 cannot deny the agsistence of speritual agency ?" said 
 Cameron, returning to the charge. 
 
 " Of course, I do not deny it," said the chaplain ; " on 
 the contrary, I say with that sound theologian and good 
 man, the Bishop of Clogher, take away the supposition 
 of invisible, intermediate spirits, acting between God and 
 man, and the whole history of the Bible falls to the 
 ground." But the very belief in such spiritual agency 
 convinces me that it is spiritual; and that consequently 
 these perfected and unclogged intelligences, have a higher 
 and holier mission, than to flit, like nursery-elves, about 
 a house, drumming upon tables, scratching like shut-out 
 puppy-dogs at doors, foretelling the death of a cow to one 
 bereaved agriculturist, and the recovery of a pig to another, 
 or even establishing a Brummagem destiny-mart, for the 
 fabrication of widowhoods for some, and wedding-rings for 
 others. In the existence of an intermediary spiritual 
 world, all nations, civilized and savage, from all times, 
 have believed, and on this belief has every religion, every 
 sect, and every superstition been founded. Some learned 
 men have given it as their opinion that even the Sadducees, 
 in denying angels and spirits, questioned rather their 
 appearance, and occasional agency in human aifairs than
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE, 207 
 
 their existence ; and even my Lord Bolingbroke, whom no 
 one can either accuse or suspect of too much credulity, 
 confesses that there may be various intelligences superior 
 to man, though he opposes the idea of their having power 
 to intermeddle with the events, or produce important 
 effects on the mechanism of our world." 
 
 " All ! yes," said Mr. Thornberry, " but the most civi- 
 lized, as well as the most uncivilized among the ancients 
 in their spiritual ritual believed in a sort of counter- 
 balancing diablerie, in which was involved the origin of 
 evil — mystery ; and Jamblichus says,* ' there is a sort of 
 spiritual beings of a brutal nature that may be threatened 
 by the priests into anything,' and Scutellius imagined he 
 had found nine different species of spiritual beings in 
 Jamblichus." 
 
 " Yes ; but you know that Gale, the annotator on Jam- 
 blichus, says, ' It is not to be doubted that there are such 
 brutal spirits ; but it is much to be doubted whether they 
 can give assistance, or even hear the addresses of those 
 who call on them.' And Porphery says, 'the adverse 
 powers are imperceptible to human eyes, but they some- 
 times embody themselves in a j^leasing form,' for which 
 there is so far a warrantry in Scripture, that we read in 
 the second chapter of Corinthians -|- that Satan transformed 
 himself into an angel of light," quoted the chaplain. 
 
 " And this no doubt is what Jamblichus means by the 
 head of the Daemons, and also what Proclus alludes to, 
 and what the annotator confirms, when he says, ' Zahii 
 quoque deum daemonum honorarunt,' " said Mr. Thorn- 
 berry. 
 
 But Mr. Morgan Owen having mastered his muffin^ and 
 
 * De Myster. Sect, vi., chap, v* 
 t 9th and 14th versesi
 
 208 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 thrice slain the shrimps, began to wonder " what the dooce 
 old Thornberry and the parson were prosing about," so 
 touching the elbow of the former, he said, 
 
 " What do you call spirit-rappers, in French V 
 
 " Esjprits tapageurs^' said the malicious Thornberry, 
 which the innocent Cornet immediately fired off, in an 
 announcement to De Bussy that he understood Lord 
 Portarjis believed in les esprits tapageurs. 
 
 " Parbleu ! c'est clair, il est ministre !" laughed the 
 attachd 
 
 " Do you know," said Sir Hugh de Byons, quitting the 
 window, reseating himself at the table, and helping him- 
 self to a devilled kidney, a dish which Harvey, Bowes 
 Mornington's servant, had just brought in, followed by 
 the messman, with a boat of a peculiar compound of 
 Chutna and Madeira, with a soupgon of Chilli vinegar in 
 it, which Bowes, in one of his compulsory Tower incarcera- 
 tions, had beguiled his ennuis and immortalized himself 
 by inventing. 
 
 " Do you know the on dit is, that Portarjis believes in 
 spirit-rapping V 
 
 " Of course," said Mr. Thornberry ; " as all rivers flow 
 to the sea, so all charlatans sympathize with each other, 
 more especially where there can, from the difference of 
 spheres, be no rivalry du metier." 
 
 "But, surely, you think Portarjis clever?" said Sir 
 Hugh de Byons. And when Young England has said 
 this ! Young England, barring the difference of Laity and 
 Clergy, thinks it has placed the individual so labelled, no 
 matter what his vices or crimes may be, on much the 
 same pinnacle of irresponsible impmiity as the Catholic 
 Church thinks it places a penitent, when granting him 
 plenary indulgence.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 209 
 
 " Of course/' responded Mr. Tliornberry, " who ever 
 heard of an empiric, in physic, politics, religion, or philan- 
 thropy, who was not clever? How the deuce do you 
 suppose one man is to gull many, if he is not clever?" 
 
 " I dare say,'' put in Mr. Gordon Cameron, " that 
 Mester Thornberry thinks as I do, that, at all events. Lord 
 Portarjis's political digestion is weak." 
 
 " Well, he certainly don't favour Scotland quite so much 
 as he used — if you mean that ? You think, perhaps, that 
 he ought to take a little infusion of cardtnis henedicttis, 
 or blessed thistle, eh ?" chuckled Mr. Thornberry. "As it's a 
 capital thing for the physical digestion, I don't see why it 
 shouldn't be equally so for the political ; and, doubtless, 
 it is owing to the blessed thistle, that * Scotchmen 
 once in office, swallow anything, and swallow up every- 
 thing.'" 
 
 "I certainly think," said Bowes Mornington, good- 
 naturedly wishing to rescue Cameron from the tender 
 mercies of Mr. Thornberry, for though he did think his 
 brother officer a "great ass," (men's favourite classification, 
 by-the-bye, for each other) still, all Scotchman though he 
 was, he did not wish him to be regaled on too many 
 thistles, of Mr. Thornberry's culling, so coming to the 
 rescue, he said, " I do think, for the last two or three 
 years, it's impossible to tell what Lord Portarjis's politics 
 really are — that is, what he is, whether Whig or Tory." 
 
 "Perhaps," smiled the chaplain, helping himself to a 
 quiet clerical piece of dry bread, — but still labouring in 
 his vocation, taking care to butter it well — " perhaps the 
 real difficulty is to know what is a Wliig, and what a 
 Tory, now-a-days." 
 
 " No difficulty whatever about that," fiatized Mr. Thorn- 
 beny. " The same definition that was given of them in 
 
 VOL. L P
 
 210 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 Walpole's time, is to the Ml as applicable now, if not 
 more so : then, the political catechism used to run, — 
 
 " ' Q.— What is a Whig ? 
 
 " ' A. — A Tory out of place ? 
 
 "'Q.— What is a Tory? 
 
 " ' A. — A Whig in office.' 
 " And truly says the author of this definition, and so say 
 I with him (lie said it apropos of Sir Eobert Walpole and 
 Mr. Pulteney), and I say it of all, the small change and 
 base coin we have had since then, now have, and shall 
 have again : " Who does not wonder," says he, " at the 
 zeal of the good people of England, on the occasion of the 
 contest between Sir Eobert Walpole and Mr. Pulteney? 
 Did the latter give any assurance that he would redress 
 one grievance of the former administration? When he 
 got into power, did he depart one step from the path in 
 which his predecessor had walked? And yet, were we 
 not, upon the expulsion of the former party, and the esta- 
 blishment of the latter, as elated as if all our complaints 
 had been redressed? And this stale dog-trick (I beg 
 pardon for using so nice a word on so dirty a subject) has 
 been with success played over and over again, both before 
 and since. We see ourselves repeatedly gulled by the 
 false pretences of a set of ambitious or avaricious adven- 
 turers, who set us a-raving for their profit ; and we go on, 
 from age to age, quarrelling v/e know not about what, and 
 agreeing again we know not why ; wasting our blood and 
 treasure in windmill-wars, and our ink in party-pamphlets, 
 the paper of which, would, if unstained, have bottomed 
 goose-pies, or wrapped up spice, with equal success and 
 more utility, — as in calling each other nick-names with as 
 much zeal, as if names changed natures, and hating one 
 another for judging difi'erently of what tends most to the
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. ^11 
 
 general advantage ; and, in short, in doing every thing 
 but orrowinor wiser/ So that I, have resolved to have no 
 political idol ; for to tell you the truth, whether the con- 
 test be among Peel-ites, Derby-ites, Palmerstonians, Cob- 
 dens, or Jobdens, they all appear to me only to deserve 
 the antitheses of as much wonder, and at the same time, as 
 much apathy, as the defunct Sacheverelian, and Walpoleo- 
 Pulteneyan controversies do to us now/' 
 
 "Certainly," said the Chaplain, "Legislation, though 
 the oldest art in the world, seems still, in each succeeding 
 age, to be the one least understood/' 
 
 " Because it is not legislation which is the aim, but 
 politics, which are the stalking-horse of every grown-up 
 master-jackey throughout England. And politics, as the 
 clever and sensible author of ' John Halifax ' most truly 
 observes, ' are the pet profligacy of old age.' So that when 
 moral vice has drafted off her disabled veterans, they 
 transfer their laxity of principle, their unscrupulous coute- 
 qu'il-coute, coup-de-main way of gaining their ends — in 
 a word, their spirit of intrigue — to the councils of the 
 state. No wonder, then, things are, as they are." 
 
 " There certainly is," said Mr. Atterbury, " something 
 radically wrong, that with all our talk of progress, we in 
 reality progress so little. Isocrates, it is true, says in his 
 Areopagus, and I quite agree with him, that ' the most 
 tremendous penalties will not restrain men of ungovern- 
 able dispositions ; while those whose minds have received 
 a proper bent, will act rightly though left to themselves. 
 The business, therefore, is not so much to find ways of 
 punishing offenders, as to form the minds of the people, so 
 that they shall have no disposition to offend." 
 
 " Very true in theory, but, like most theoretic truisms, 
 more easily said than done ; and though, up to a certain 
 
 P 2
 
 212 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 point, I quite agree both with you, and Isocrates, that the 
 secret of making a people virtuous and happy lies much 
 deeper than jails and gibbets, yet, so long as, this art 
 remains a secret, which it evidently has done up to the 
 present year, the Brummagem philanthropy, which defrauds 
 the gallows, to over-run us with ticket-of-leave heroes, is 
 the sm-est way of retarding the solution of this truly 
 divine myster}^; for, so long as, things are at their 
 present focus, depend upon it the Cromwellian plan is the 
 best, — ' HANG WELL, AND PAY WELL,' whereas 
 we do both deucedly ill, for we hang little, and pay less ; 
 and perhaps if we paid more, we might not have to hang 
 even so much ; but truly this is the Millennium of mean- 
 ness, and the Saturnalia of clap-trap/' 
 
 "Well, but surely Thornberry," said Sir Hugh de Byons, 
 who not having sufficient grasp of intellect to grapple 
 mth the broad generality of a " mse saw,'' invariably 
 quashed an argument by grovelling down to a "a modern 
 instance." Surely, there never was an age in which the 
 higher, not to say the highest, classes, did so much for, 
 and mixed so much T\ith, the People, properly so called ; 
 I mean labourers, artizans, and mechanics. Look, for 
 example, how indefatigable Portarjis is, notmthstanding 
 all the claims political life has upon him, in lecturing at 
 Mechanics' Institutes, and Provincial Athenaeums." 
 
 " Thank you, my good Sir,'' said Mr. Thornberry, ener- 
 getically backing his chair several paces, " for a very good 
 reason, talking ; or throwing verbal dust in the people's 
 eyes at Mechanics' Institutes, happens to be the humbug 
 par excellence of the small beer celebrities of no — no — no- 
 torieties of the present day ; and the sham, of Lord Port- 
 arjis's lectures begins before they are spoken, for though 
 they read remarkably well, my firm belief is, that poor
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 213 
 
 Melville writes them all. To be incessantly before the 
 public hi print and hi puffs, — the minnow magnates (?) 
 of this age, seem to consider, as an electric-telegraph to 
 the Temple of Fame ; and the reason is clear ; for, as a 
 quaint writer expresses it, 'It is one of the chiefest 
 belongings of bad men, that they have a restless 
 struggHng to fill the world mth their noise, and be eter- 
 nally in all men's mouths ; whereas goodness, is a quiet 
 take-root sort of thing, which Honour and Fame may 
 come to, if they list (though they seldom do) ; but Good- 
 ness, poor quiet drudge, never goes a-tramjnng after 
 themr' 
 
 " Eh ! it's Tammus Carlyle you mean, who says that V 
 asked Mr. Cameron, proud to show what Scotland could 
 produce ! 
 
 ''Indeed it's not," snapped Mr. Thornberry, "though 
 from his antiquated phraseology and style, it may be 
 Thomas Carlyle's emporium for dislocated English, for 
 that quotation was from an old Black letter book called 
 ' The Dial of Princes,' containing much curious matter, 
 and, indeed, much valuable information ; were it not so 
 long before it reached one, from its old Imnbago-Carlylean 
 style, which no doubt ran nimbly enough in its own young 
 days, to wit, 1572, when its author, Don Antony of 
 Gucuars, Bishop of Guadix (now Cadiz) wrote it, and 
 when it was ' Englished out of the French, hy Thomas 
 North, Sonne of Sir Edward North, Knight, newly re- 
 vised and compiled hy him, reformed of all faults es- 
 caped in the first edition. Right excellent for all 
 noble and pious Princes and persons, Nowe newly im- 
 printed hy Richarde Tottill, Anno Domini, 1582. Cum 
 Privilegio' No doubt, as I before said then, this quaint 
 inverted style, glided fiowingly and smoothly, as if
 
 214 THE WORLD AND HIB WIFE; 
 
 through a la Volta ; but 7ioiv it halts, and limps, like a 
 Chelsea Peusioner." 
 
 Mr. Cameron was about to ask Mr. Thornberry tvhather 
 he could understand Tammus Carlyle's ''Sartor Ee- 
 SARTUS?" when the bells of St. Peter's ad vincula rang 
 out a merry peal. The Chaplain looked at liis watch, 
 Bowes Mornington walked to the window, but returned 
 the next moment with his napkin crammed into his 
 mouth, and with difficulty uttering the one word 
 " Spriggs!" whereupoR Sir Hugh de Byons, M. de Bussy, 
 and the two Cornets also rushed to the windows, and were 
 all, with the exception of the attache, seized with the same 
 uncontrollable fit of laughter ; but he said, with an 
 apathetic shrug, and without the shadow of a smile — 
 
 " Bah ! 9e n'est que le groom de Mornington, fargote en 
 grand Seigneur, c'est comme 9ela se pratique toujours 
 parmis la valetaille.'' 
 
 " He's got up most extensively for the wedding — Bob 
 Bumpus's wedding, which he asked leave to go to, this 
 morning," re-laughed Bowes. 
 
 "No, nonsense; how does he look ?" asked Mr. Thorn- 
 berry, not having the courage to go and see for himself. 
 
 " Hush ! " said Morgan Owen, pausing in his cachinna- 
 tions, and holding up his finger, " By Jove ! Mornington, 
 he's singing your song, 
 
 " Something to love me." 
 
 "Justement," said de Bussy, twirling his moustache, 
 " '^est toujours comme ^aavec les domestiques qui singent 
 leur maitres, ils ont la chanson, mais ils ne peuvent jamais 
 attrapper I'aii^" 
 
 "Bravo ! de Bussy," cried Mr. Thornberry, who was the 
 only one, on whom this neat 7not was not lost. Bravo 1
 
 OR, A PERSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 215 
 
 Ton my word I must have a look at my friend Spriggs 
 after that," and so saying, he also went to the window, 
 without, however, going close to it, but standing on the 
 points of his feet, raising his glass to his eye, and leaning 
 forward, he discovered Spriggs in the corner of the 
 quadrangle, between the chaplain's house and the church, 
 in all the glories of an evening-costume, terminating in 
 lustrously French-polished kid boots, and surmounted by 
 a Petersham hat, which, it must be confessed, leant rather 
 partially to the right side, which might be called perhaps 
 a fault on the rio^ht side, while viem^ with his straw- 
 coloured kid gloves (in honour, doubtless, of the approach- 
 ing ceremony), a delicate tea-rose graced his button-hole, 
 like a sort of bridal vignette. 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " laughed Mr. Thornberry, re-seating 
 himself, " not bad for a first attempt, and Merrythought 
 herself couldn't be better groomed, especially our hat ; but 
 who do you say it is, that is going to be married ? one of 
 your mother's tenants, eh, Mornington ?" 
 
 "Yes, you remember the Bumpuses, don't you, down 
 at Field Fleury? One of them is our parish-clerk, 
 and " 
 
 " Oh dear, yes," interrupted Mr. Thornberry. " My 
 friend Moses, who was a Sizar at Cambridge, don't he also 
 keep a school down in your part of the world ?" 
 
 " Yes ; and his brother Bob, the fellow who is going to 
 be married this morning, and who though a bit of a 
 scamp, I think the best, at all events the cleverest of the 
 lot — well, Bol) says that, between his school and the 
 church, Moses passes his life in saying ' Amen ' all Sun- 
 day, and ' Eh, boys !' all the week." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared the two Cornets, for this was 
 quite up to their calibre.
 
 216 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 "Bowes has promised me some shooting down at 
 Mornington Manor," (he could not do otherwise, since the 
 baronet had invited himself, though he dreaded the chief 
 game would be that which Sir Hugh would make of his 
 mother and Luther, to say nothing of " The Atat Ark of 
 Salvation,") *' but," continued he, " I can't get him to let 
 me into the dessous des cartes of their country town, 
 Twaddleton, and you must know country towns are my 
 monomania ; talk of a knowledge of human nature 1 they, 
 are the real schools to acquire it in, and that in its most 
 minute and unadulterated di^egs, and therefore I prefer the 
 history of a country to^vn, to the history of Europe any 
 day." 
 
 '' Bless my soul ! you're like Bishop Burnet," said Mr. 
 Thornberry, "who says he'd rather know the history of 
 Lucifer than of all the Babylonian and Persian kings, nay, 
 for that matter, than of all the kings of the earth ; and if 
 a country town is not the very devil, I don't know what 
 is/' 
 
 " More especially Twaddleton," yawned Bowes Morn- 
 ington, caressing his left whisker, "just to give you an 
 idea of the pace of the natives, De Byons, you must know 
 that there are only two circulating libraries in the place, 
 and these two, have three books between them, so that 
 whenever you ask for a book at one of these stationary 
 emporiums, you are told it is out, and when you try the 
 other, they say it is binding. When I was last down at 
 Mornington (that time Saville Vernon hurt my ankle so 
 confoundedly with a bat, at Lord's), every day for three 
 months, I sent for ' Memoirs of a Widow,' and every day 
 the answer was that it was binding." 
 
 " Well, you learnt something new, at all events,'' said 
 Mr. Thornberry, "for every one knows that marriage is, or
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 217 
 
 rather that it oiidit to be bindino- but I never before heard 
 that widowhood was." 
 
 '• Ha ! ha ! ha 1 it's to be hoped not/' laughed Sir 
 Hugh De Byons. 
 
 Here, St. Peter's ad vincula rang out another peal, for 
 all is merry till the vincula is forged. So the chaplain 
 rose, askmg whether he should join the party there assembled 
 at the Tower wharf, or come back to the mess-room, after 
 he had performed the marriage-ceremony ? 
 
 " I say, why the deuce should we not all go and see the 
 wedding?" cried Sir Hugh De Byons, starting to his feet. 
 
 "' Ah ! on the same principle, I suppose, that the monks 
 of La Trappe sleejD in their coffins every night, to ac- 
 custom themselves by degrees to the terrible and inevitable 
 catastroj^he," said Mr, Thornberry. 
 
 " No, now, really, Spriggs ! under existing circumstances, 
 would be quite too much for my weak nerves," said his 
 master, affecting to faint. 
 
 " I declare, here they come," announced Mr. Morgan Owen. 
 
 "^vllo?" 
 
 " Why the wedding-party," and by Jove ! if that's the 
 bride leaning on the homo, as I suppose it is, she's rather 
 pretty, and moreover vapoury and delicate-looking, as 
 befits the occasion." 
 
 " Pretty is she ?" said Bowes Mornington, half drawing, 
 and then sheathing his sword with a clang ; " then I'll 
 risk Spriggs ! for ' none but the brave, none but the brave, 
 none but the brave, deserve the fair.'" 
 
 '•' Pardon me," said the Chaplain, mildly, " but I think 
 if you were to let them go into the church first, and then 
 come down quietly, as if you had strolled in, to look at the 
 monuments, it would be better ; for, as they are poor 
 people, it might put the young woman out of countenance."
 
 218 THE ^YOELD AND HIS WIPE ; 
 
 " Hear ! hear ! hear ! I second the amendment to the 
 Matrimonial Causes Bill," said Mr. Thornberry. 
 
 The programme being thus determined upon, the Chap- 
 lain quitted the mess-room, and descended to the vestry, 
 while the remaining group, stood at some little distance 
 from the window, watching the approach of the bridal- 
 party, and of course making their remarks upon them. 
 
 "She is decidedly pretty," said Bowes Mornington, 
 having reconnoitred through an opera-glass, which always 
 stood on the mantel-piece of the mess-room for similar 
 purposes. "Where the dooce did that fellow Bumpus 
 fish her out, and how came she to he fished out by 
 him?" 
 
 "Pooh ! for that matter, the girl-fisheries, and the pearl- 
 fisheries are much the same in one respect ; that the 
 former have little choice, and the latter none, as to wholl 
 fish them up, or whether they are destined for crowns, or 
 crosses," said Mr. Thornberry. 
 
 " Ton my word, Bob's not a bad-looking fellow in his 
 holiday gear. I never saw him so smart before, nor so 
 much indebted to soap ; but oh ! oh ! look ! make haste — 
 the meeting ! and Spriggs dressed for the part ! " 
 
 As Captain Mornington leant back to laugh, and held 
 both his sides, the rest, from their various peep-holes saw 
 Spriggs shake hands with Bob, and then turning a furtive 
 glance on the mess-room windows, to see that he was not 
 observed ; under which delusion he raised his hat to Mary, 
 with what he conceived to be the same graceful non- 
 chalance, of which he had so often had a back view in the 
 park, when his master recognised any of the fair peeresses 
 and peerlesses, among whom he was so repandu. 
 
 '•' Ha I ha ! ha ! d'honneur 90 gar9on a des moyens," 
 laughed de Bussy; "o'est du Pantagruelismetout pur, et sans
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 219 
 
 doiite ' apres diner, tous ira pele-mele ; et sus I'herbe 
 dnie, ils danseront au son des ioyeulx flageolletz, et doiilces 
 cornemuses, tant bandement, que ce serait passe temps 
 celeste les veoir, ainsi soy rigouller/ comme dit maitre 
 Fran9ois Rabelais. 
 
 " Puisqu 'il surpasse en riant 
 Ceux qui a bon escient, 
 Traitent choses d'importanee, 
 Combien sera-t-il plus grand 
 Je te prie dis-moi s'il prend 
 Tin oeuvre de consequence." 
 
 Further quoted Mr. Thomberry, he, and the attacM 
 enjoying their laugh all the more, for having it entirely to 
 themselves ; poor Bowes Mornington, (like most masters) 
 having no suspicion how his servant was rising at 
 his expense, and the two comets being as guiltless of 
 mediaeval, as they were of modern, or even of magazine- 
 literature. 
 
 " There ! they're in the church now," reported Mr. 
 Morgan Owen. " And by Jove, we shall lose the fun, if 
 we don't make haste ;" and, holding up his left hand 
 towards his ear in imitation of a fiddle, and converting 
 his right, into the effigy of a bow, with which he scraped 
 on his left arm, singing the while, "Haste to the wedding," 
 he danced out of the room, followed by the rest. 
 
 " Confound these dark old stairs/' cried Mr. Thornberry, 
 missing his footing in the hurry. 
 
 " They say marry in haste, and repent at leisure ; but 
 only being in haste to see others married, one comfort is, 
 that one may congratulate oneself at leisure, he ! he ! he !" 
 
 " N'est pas, mon cher ? ' Invention mirifique et pour le 
 plupart, br^vete du diable."
 
 220 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 " Hallo ! Morniiigton ! one would think you were either 
 walking in your sleej), or were in love ; for you're going 
 the wrong way, though there stands the church, straight 
 before you, on your left," called out Owen, as soon as they 
 had reached the bottom of the staii's. 
 
 " No, no," said Bowes, looking back over his shoulder. 
 " I want to go round by the Beauchamp Tower, and enter 
 by the other door, near the vestry, that we may, as Mr. 
 Atterbury suggested, look as if we were merely sight- 
 seeing." 
 
 " Oh ! very well, all right." 
 
 " Que 9e, all right, me parait bete," said de Bussy, 
 " ins a conetry vere your journal, your papers, tell you 
 every day, and tells to Europe, too, dat all is wrong." 
 
 " Eh bien, it's still all right, that we have a free press, 
 and that the papers should be able to tell them so," re- 
 torted Mr. Thornberry. 
 
 *' Ah 1 yes, free press, free press, toujours la free press! 
 but I tink, as vous autre Anglais say, ' dat your press, he 
 is often more free, dan velcome.' " 
 
 " Well, as since the first early dawn of creation, when 
 God pronounced that all was good, because His eye alone 
 rested on His work, no good ever has existed without 
 some counter-balancing evil. Perhaps our glorious free 
 press ! is something of Plato's two-fold Venus, with two- 
 fold, and totally distinct attributes — the one Celestial, and 
 partaking of the pulchritude of the Divine nature, and so 
 visibly impressing all orders of intellectual beings, with a 
 concentrated essence of that subtile spirit of moral beauty, 
 which otherwise would remain scattered, and diffused over 
 the universe ; the other being only a meretricious Circe, 
 who drags her votaries down, to her own native mire." 
 
 " It is particularly requested," said Sir Hugh De Byons,
 
 OR, A PEKSOX OF CONSEQUENCE. 221 
 
 stopping, and turning short round, while he held Bowes 
 Mornington by the arm, as at this juncture they arrived 
 at the church-doors, " it is particularly requested, that 
 all persons about to assist at the nuptials of Mr. Robert 
 Bimipus, will keep their eyes exclusively directed towards 
 the bride and bridegroom, or the grooms-man, who being 
 this man's gxoom, it is hoped that not one single glance 
 will be surreptitiously levelled at Captain Mornington, 
 who otherwise cannot insure the spectators against the 
 incongruity of a gafFaw !" 
 
 " Be quiet, De Byons," said the latter, cramming his 
 handkerchief into his mouth, " or I shall not be able to 
 go in." 
 
 "Then, stay out," said Owen, "but don't make us lose the 
 fun." With which, he led the way into the church, fol- 
 lowed by the others, who taking off their hats, walked 
 quietly and decorously to within a short distance of the 
 altar-rails, where Captain Mornington held his cap before 
 hi.o face, more, it is to be feared, on account of Spriggs, 
 than from piety. 
 
 As they entered, Mr. Atterbury had just asked the 
 bridegroom — 
 
 '"Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to 
 live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of 
 matrimony ? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honour, 
 and keep her in sickness, and in health ; and forsaking 
 all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both 
 shaUlive?^" 
 
 And he had answered solemnly : 
 
 " I will," and with a far more solemn intention of 
 doing so, than nine-tenths of his sex have, in pronouncing 
 that for them, abominable mockery. 
 
 Martha was crying, as she thought of the Ray that had
 
 222 
 
 passed away for ever, which had never beamed but kindly 
 on her, but who would do so no more, at least on this 
 side the gulf. Euby was staring about, with her large 
 vacant eyes, and wondering why they all knelt round the 
 altar, as they were not taking the sacrament, which she 
 had seen people do ; and also wondering if she was to be 
 maiTied, too ? and, like many far wiser young ladies, de- 
 termined that at all events, she would not marry Spriggs, 
 who, on his side, like so large a majority of his sex, while 
 subjected to the humiliation of these hypothetical rejec- 
 tions, had not the remotest idea of asking her. Mary 
 alone seemed calm and collected, and when it came to 
 her turn to pronoimce the irrevocable, and so often 
 fatal! "I WILL!" she not only did so, in a clear, firm 
 voice, but her whole countenance suddenly illumined with 
 a bright serenity, as when in some deeply-shaded Alpine 
 valley, the smi, when least expected, steals through a 
 cloud, and smiles all its sombre beauties into light. 
 Mary's heart was flooded full of gratitude to the man who, 
 when she had been flung away as a worthless outcast, — 
 who could claim no place in this world, but one of shame 
 and degradation, and so, was rushing headlong out of it, 
 had saved her from that worst of foes ! — an agony, which 
 wrong has stretched to madness, — whose frenzy has no 
 object but its victim — self Love is a Jesuit, Pride a para- 
 site, Hope a braggart, Ambition a tyrant. Envy a harpy, 
 Jealousy a scorpion, and Vanity a traitor, but GEATI- 
 TUDE ! like most fair, well-favom'ed things, though thy 
 life be but short, thou at least, art always sincere ! and 
 well, and truly, says that quaint, and now long-forgotten, 
 divine, honest Henry Hallywell,* in one of his admirable 
 
 * The Eev. Henry Hallywell, who, in 1692, was vicar of 
 Cowfoldj in Essex,
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 223 
 
 sermons, "Sincerity fills the soul with eternal peace, and 
 secures it from all intestine broils, distractions, and 
 timiiilts. It is this lower and troubled air, that is subject 
 to storms, while those upper regions above the clouds, 
 enjoy a perpetual simshine, and calm. And it is hypo- 
 crisy and dissimulation, and a guiltiness and consciousness 
 that we have been false to God and virtue, that raise 
 storms and troubles within our own breasts; but Sincerity 
 sets us above all these, and we breathe in a freer and purer 
 air, and our souls are calm and composed, fair, and lovely, 
 as the clear face of Heaven. In this soil of Sincerity, 
 grows the Tree of Life, and here, too, are those rivers of 
 living waters which overflow, and enrich the Paradise of 
 God." 
 
 And Mary Marsham's soul, as she knelt at that altar, 
 was fair and lovely with the sunlight of sincere gratitude 
 to the Creator, and his creature, shining into it ; therefore, 
 no wonder that her sweet, fair face, mirrored this cahn 
 beauty. 
 
 " I know that young woman's face," whispered Mr. 
 Thornberry, to Mornington, " and I can't, for the life of 
 me, recall when and where I've seen it," added he, tapping 
 his forehead with his fore-finger, as if to wake up the 
 dormant memory. 
 
 " Come, come," sotto voce'd the gallant Captain, poking 
 the elderly and respectable Thornberry, somewhat too 
 familiarly in the ribs, though such a proceeding savoured 
 of courage also, considering what a prickly pear that 
 gentleman was; " come, come, Thornberry, I shall begin to 
 suspect, that you are not entirely in the moral philosophy 
 line, for she's dooced pretty." 
 
 " Eh, where is it you say I've seen her ?" said Mr. 
 Thornberry, so engrossed in rummaging all the nooks and
 
 224j the woeld and his wife; 
 
 corners, and shreds and patches of his memory, that he 
 not only did not hear a word the other had said, but did 
 not even perceive the assaut d' amies, or rather de doigts, 
 that Bowes had, had with him ; but while they were still 
 whispering, the solemn sacrifice was completed, the irre- 
 coverable words had been spoken, which gave Mary Mar- 
 sham a lord and master for life, and Eobert Bumpus a 
 legal slave, if he chose to avail himself of that oldest and 
 most barbaric of all the glorious privileges of a free-born 
 Briton — his ecclesiastical ones — and accordingly, the bride- 
 groom began by hugging them to his heart. Spriggs, 
 who at that moment felt himself infinitely superior to his 
 master, then stepped forward, vdth. a jaunty air, to avail 
 himself of the time-honoured "grooms-manes'" perquisite 
 of kissing the bride, which she perceiving, affected not to 
 see, and shamefully defrauded him, by dividing his lawful 
 property between Martha and Euby. 
 
 '' Ton my word," said Bowes Morningion, now clang- 
 ing up the aisle, followed by the rest of his party, " that's 
 too bad ; it's a pity there are not a brace of Cossacks 
 here, to do the old-woman part of the kissing. I con- 
 gratulate you. Bob," added he aloud, accosting the bride- 
 groom, "but I think you'll astonish the natives down at 
 Field rieury, for I should have imagined you, one of the 
 very last fellows to have troubled the parson in the matri- 
 monial way." 
 
 There are persons so devoid of feeling, that to betray 
 any in their presence, goes against the grain, and seems 
 as much out of place, and as irreverent as it would be to 
 kneel down and say one's prayers in a crowded ball-room ; 
 so Bob, resuming all his usual levity, replied, with a re- 
 spectful bow—
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE, 225 
 
 *' You know, sir, even the wisest, do a silly thing once 
 in their lives/' 
 
 " At all events/' said Mr. Thornberry, who had been 
 screwing np his eyes, and studying Mary's face as if he 
 had been decipheruig an old tenth-century manuscript, 
 till it became vividly illuminated with painful flushings, 
 " at all events, a man never had a fairer excuse for doing 
 a silly thing." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! — quite so," laughed Moniington ; " but 
 you ^^ill allow me. Bob, for old acquaintance sake, to 
 shake hands with your wife, I hope," said he, extending 
 his hand to Mary, who took it, curtseying down to 
 the gromid, and blushing up to her ears. 
 
 " Do you know," said Mr. Thornberry, his hands behmd 
 his back, and his eyes still screwed up, peering at Mary, 
 " it strikes me that / have a better right to shake hands 
 with this bonny bride than any of you, for, decidedly, she, 
 and I, have met before, though I can't recall where. My 
 dear, did you ever live at Lady Milverton's ?" 
 
 " No, sir," replied Mary, in a low, tremulous voice, as 
 she curtseyed, with her eyes bent on the ground. 
 
 " With Lady Plantagenet, perhaps ? " which elicited 
 another "no," even more low and tremulous than the 
 last. 
 
 "Or with Mrs. Herbert Carington?'' 
 
 " No — no — no, sir." 
 
 " Provoking ! — ah ! it mio;ht have been," continued 
 the relentless inquisitor, "with Lady " 
 
 But, before he could utter the name, Mary's head fell 
 faintmg on the shoulder of her husband, who, putting 
 one arm round her waist, with the other hand, in great 
 trepidation, loosened the strings of her bonnet, and fanned 
 
 VOL. I. 9
 
 226 THi: Vy'orld and his wife ; 
 
 her with her handkerchief ; while, hurling a somewhat 
 savage look at Mr. Thornberry, he said — 
 
 " Really, sir, you ask quite too many questions — she's 
 been ill — she's still weak — and she's shy before so many 
 gentlemen/' 
 
 " Bless my soul ! I — I beg your pardon ! I wouldn't 
 for the world have distressed her, if I could have supposed — 
 Tut — tut — tut — dear me ! How provoking I don't carry 
 a smelling-bottle,'' said he, rummaging in all his pockets, 
 and then added, turning towards Sir Hugh De Byons and 
 De Bussy, without, however, the slightest irony in his 
 look or tone, for never was a poor man more in earnest, 
 "but, perhaps, some of you do ?'' 
 
 " I'll run and get some Eau-de-Cologne/' said Owen, 
 vanishing. 
 
 But Spriggs, who on the advent of " master and the 
 gentlemen," had fallen back to the left, and Martha 
 Ray, who had retreated so close to the commandments, 
 that she looked like an eleventh, now advanced to proffer 
 their assistance, and as Martha, good, thrifty, forethinking 
 soul that she was, had, while donnhig the Bartlett Laven- 
 der Padusay that morning, recollected that in her time, 
 " there always used to be a deal of crying and sterricks, 
 and such like, at weddings," armed herself Avith a some- 
 what ancient bottle of smelling-salts (which had had a 
 sinecure for many years), in an oblong bottle of purple 
 crinkled glass, the stripes going diagonally round the 
 bottle, the bottle itself in shape, much resembling a small 
 heart, shrivelled from ossification, while a plain uncovered 
 cork was wedged into the top of it. 
 
 This, she now excavated from the pocket of the 
 lavender Padusay, and applying the long eva})orated nos- 
 ti-um to the insensible invalid, marvelled that it did not
 
 OK, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 227 
 
 instantly restore her, while ]\Ir. Atterbury told the clerk 
 to open one of the windows, and the air appeared to 
 revive her, for she sighed, whereupon Mr. Thornberry 
 took one of her hands, and under the pretext of slapping 
 the palm, to bring her to, placed a i?10 note in it, and 
 then closed her hand upon it, after which, turning to 
 Mornington, he said : 
 
 " I think we had better all go, for she'll be more at her 
 ease on recovering, to find herself only with her own 
 friends." So, nodding to Bob, and telling Mr. Atterbury 
 they would wait for him on " the green," they instantly 
 left the church ; and as Mr. Thornberry, after reiterating 
 his regrets to the bridegroom, was preparing to follow, 
 !Mary's hand relaxed its grasp, and the ,^10 note fell on 
 the step of the altar, Robert picked it up, and handed it 
 to Mr. Thornberry, saymg, 
 
 "I think you have dropped this, sir?" 
 
 " No, no, my good fellow, keep it ; I'm exceedingly 
 sorry I should have distressed your wife by my questions ; 
 I had no intention of doing so, I assure you." 
 
 " Thank you, sir, I'm sure you had not ; nor do I think 
 it was that, but she has been ill, and is weak, and — and — 
 but this is too much, sir," said Bob, making an effort to 
 return the money, for he began to entertain a vague 
 notion that Lucifer was bidding for him, by all the 
 sources of wealth that seemed unsought, to open on him 
 at every turn. 
 
 " Xo, no, my man, keep it ; and my good wishes to 
 you both, with it," said Mr. Thornberry, walking hastily 
 away — adding, however, in his own mind as he traversed 
 the aisle, and thoughtfully caressed his chin with his 
 right hand — 
 
 " Stupid ! to be sure. I'd give another ten pounds to 
 
 Q 2
 
 228 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 know where it was that / have seen that young woman's 
 face. Could it have been as witness on some trial ? — no, 
 no, it's not that either," thought he, quitting the church, 
 but continuing his cogitations. 
 
 Meanwhile Martha Ray, Spriggs, and Ruby, who had 
 fallen back to make way for "the gentlefolks," now eagerly 
 pressed forward, and Martha's energetic proceedings in 
 the way of hand-slapping, and an impromptu lecture, 
 about its never doing to " take on so, at the fust go off, 
 and that now as she was a married ooman, she must learn 
 to have, as sich, and bear up hunder pretty well hevry 
 tliink, and she was very sure from what she knowd of 
 Bob Bumpus, man and boy, as he'd not be the one 
 to lay on the load too heavy, and come the husband too 
 strong." 
 
 Whether it was these assurances, or the slaps, that re- 
 called Mary to a sense of her matrimonial position, 
 certain it is, that she soon opened her eyes, and their first 
 look was one of kindness at her husband, while Mr. Atter- 
 bury having told the clerk to bring a glass of port-wine 
 from the vestry, she sipped a little of it, which soon 
 revived her, and the chaplain having shaken hands with 
 the newly-married pair, and expressed his hopes that 
 neither of them would ever have cause to find fault with 
 his work ; he left them to pursue their way to the scene 
 of the bridal festivities, " The Boar's Head.'' 
 
 Not a little proud did the bridegroom feel, as he again 
 passed the Beef-eaters with his pretty, delicate-looking 
 bride leaning on his arm. What a pity it is that every 
 one cannot be equally satisfied at the same time ! But, so 
 it is ; and indeed some are of such a discontented, ungrate- 
 ful disposition, that though a double portion may be 
 meted out to them, they will still envy their neighbours'
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 229 
 
 lesser share of blessings, and such, we are sorry to be 
 obliged to record, was the case with Mr. Thomas Spriggs 
 on the present occasion, as he followed in the wake of the 
 happy pair ; for, although he had Martha hanging on one 
 arm, and Ruby on the other, in his own mind, he un- 
 graciously compared them to a pair of spatterdashers, 
 " which at all events a feller did not want to be saddled 
 with of a fine summer morning," and though jesting, be 
 reckoned by Aristotle as a virtue that helps to accom- 
 phsh a man, Spriggs was far from being of that opinion, 
 as he saw the nudges and broad-grins, and heard the 
 titterings and whisperings as he passed tlirough the 
 ponderous gate-way, but when it came to the insubordi- 
 nate sentries on guard, actually facing to the right-about 
 to hide their grins in their sentry-boxes, why, then, 
 (as he took an early opportunity of telling the bridegroom) 
 " his sperit reared ! and he swore in his own mind, as not 
 the whole rigment of guards, with fijced bayonets, should 
 ever git him to carry double agin !"
 
 230 THE WOULD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 %n Jtir at or ra%r of, fab. 
 
 THE BOARS HEAD, IN EASTCHEAP, WITHOUT SHAKES- 
 PEARE, BEN JOHNSON, OR NED ALLEYN — BUT WITH 
 PLENTY OF SPIRITS, THOUGH NONE QUITE SO CHOICE 
 AND A MOST WELCOME, THOUGH UNINVITED GUEST. 
 
 fO sooner had the bridal-party reached Tower 
 '{^ Hill, than they perceived a great crowd, and amid 
 the Babel of voices that issued from it, might 
 be heard horrible imprecations, preluding, 
 "You lie, IdidnV' 
 
 " You did ; I saw you put your hand in the gentleman's 
 pocket/' 
 
 " Take that — there's a mndow-shutter for you, then !" 
 And here, the echo of a fearful blow was heard, followed 
 by the screams of the women, and the cheering of the
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 231 
 
 crowd, when a policeman dragged forward a tall stripling, 
 of decidedly not more than eighteen, dressed in brown, 
 and very dirty fustian, looking like a cast-off stable dress 
 that had been made for a much stouter man, as it was a 
 world too large for the lath-like figure it then hung from, 
 which slightly stooped, as if bent forward by its own 
 height. 
 
 The features of this mere boy, were not only handsome 
 in the regularity of their outline, but aristocratic in their 
 delicacy, though libelled as it were, with a hollow, haggard, 
 dissipated, and thoroughly reckless look, while, true to 
 the statistics of crime, he had a profusion of light hair, 
 which, in the ordinary course of things, might have been 
 good and becoming, but was so dry, weather-beaten, and 
 neglected, that it looked more like the parched, arid vege- 
 tation at the foot of a volcano, than human hair. 
 
 As the pickpocket now passively allowed himself to be 
 dragged along by the policeman, from finding it useless to 
 resist, his restless eyes, that darted in and out, every- 
 where, between the interstices of the crowd, as if seeking 
 an egress for the rest of his person, suddenly encountered 
 those of Robert Bumpus, who, as if moved by a spring, as 
 suddenly, pulled his hat over his eyes, as he said in a low 
 and faltering voice to his bride, 
 
 " Come on, Mary ; let us get out of this horrid crowd.*'' 
 
 While the convict, half turning his head to look after 
 him, muttered, 
 
 '' Hallo ! blowed if I hain't a mind to go in for an 
 alibi, for I never seed such a likeness as that ; but the 
 decent clothes, and the decent young ooman s-wear to the 
 contrairy.'' 
 
 Then, assuming as great a swagger as his pinioned right 
 arm would allow, while he winked at all the women as he
 
 232 THE "VYOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 passed, he began singing ont in a loud, reckless, but not 
 unmusical voice, 
 
 " My father was a gentleman, and they can do no wrong, 
 But my mother was a fool, and therefore, not worth a song; 
 While as their son is neither, he goes the pace full gaily, 
 Even if the winning-post, should he, at the Old Bailey ! 
 Then let's sing fal de ral, 
 Sukey, or Pal ; 
 Por twigg'd or not, it aint no use to grieve. 
 And if legs should fail yer 
 "Why then, there's Australier, 
 With jpUy excursion tickets-of-leave !" 
 
 By way of accompaniment to this gibbet-anthem, the 
 men among the dispersing crowd, laughed a low hoarse 
 laugh, and the women sighed and shrugged their shoulders 
 all, save one poor widow, who having an only son then at 
 Sheffield, about the age of the convict, wiped her eyes as 
 she murmured, 
 
 " How shocking ! so young !" 
 
 " It is not the timid voice of ministers," says Sadi, 
 *•* that ought to bring to the ear of kings the lamentations 
 of the miserable ; the cries of the people should pierce 
 directly to the foot of the throne." 
 
 Alas ! poor Sadi, this sublime dream alone, proves thee 
 to have been a poet ; for keen-eyed, slow-handed, plodding 
 science, has not even yet discovered the secret of the 
 heaven-bom acoustics of this apophthegm ; and long as 
 the theoretic germ of steam was known, before it fructi- 
 fied into the great fact of practicability, still longer it is 
 to be feared will it be that these, and all similar humani- 
 ties, will have to smoulder in the fertile brains, and arid 
 hearts of men, before their firuits appear on the tree of
 
 OE, A PERSON iW CONSEQUENCJe). 238 
 
 life. And if the echoes of the ribald song of tlie felon, 
 the boorisli laugh of tlie mob, and that of the half re- 
 monstrance of the poor widow with the Creator, scarcely 
 reached, and certainly did not ri23ple, even the smallest 
 drop of the sluggish waters of the Thames, near as they 
 were ; what chance had such echoes of reaching the far 
 more distant ear of kings, and foot of thrones ? at all 
 events, till atmospheric tubes are constructed out of 
 Seneca's 
 
 " Quemcunque miserum videris hominem scias," 
 
 cased in the golden Christian rule, of 
 
 '' Do unto others, as you would they should do unto you," 
 
 the sound of misery must remaiu without a conveyance. 
 
 "I say, Bob?" cried Spriggs, as the bridal-party 
 emerged from Tower Hill, and turned down Eastcheap, 
 " did you remark that ere young chap as was given in 
 charge ?" 
 
 "Yes — no — why?" re-asked the other. 
 
 " Why ? 'cause I knows his face as well as I do youm ; 
 and, moreover, he's the very picter of a gemmen as master 
 knows — some lord or barrownight, I can't eg-zactly call 
 to mind which ; neither, if I was to be shot for it, can I 
 remember where it was as I seed the chap his-self." 
 
 " Tush ! " responded Bob. " We see thieves every day 
 without knowing them ; but this is the first time I ever 
 heard of a fellow seeing a thief, and racking his brains 
 to recollect where he had the honour of making his 
 acquaintance." 
 
 " Do you bruise your oats ?" said Spriggs, winking at 
 Mrs. Ray, from remembering in time the professional
 
 234 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 aphorism of a nod being as good as a wink to a blind 
 horse, and therefore not wasting either, npon Ruby, but 
 accompanying this ocular telegraph by poking his tongue 
 into the corner of his cheek. After this charming piece 
 of bye-play, he walked on for a few seconds in silence, 
 when he called out " Weigh !" and pulled up so suddenly, 
 that from the jerk, he hurt both Martha and Ruby's arms, 
 as much as he would have done Merrythought's mouth, 
 had he treated her in the same unwarrantable man- 
 ner, — which, to say the truth, he never was guilty of 
 doing. 
 
 " I recollect !" cried he. " I'll tell you where it war, 
 Bob, as I see that 'ere chap. It war at that Newmarket 
 October Meeting, the last as poor Netherby rode at,, just 
 afore Jennings did the job for him ; and that yoimgster 
 as they have just tookt up, I remember jDcrfectly was one 
 of a lot of thimble-rio* fellers, and was a-doino; all he could 
 to 'tice poor Netherby to the table ; but lawr, there's no 
 escaping one's fate, — and the pea as was to do for poor 
 Jim was under the thimbleful as that infernal villain, 
 Jennings, sent him. But he's hanged now, and that's 
 some little comfort." 
 
 " Dear Robert, are you ill ?" inquired Mary, looking up 
 tenderly and anxiously into his face, as a sudden spasm 
 caused him to utter a slight exclamation, and place his 
 hand upon his side. 
 
 " No— no," said he, with a ghastly smile, as he let fall 
 her arm, and making a sort of Circus pirouette, added, with 
 a Mr. Merryman-sort of bow to Spriggs — 
 
 " Now saddle another horse, will you, my good fellow ? 
 — for, look you, the altar and the halter are too much in 
 one day. Though," added he, turning back to Mary, and 
 affectionately pressing her hand as he re-placed it under
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 285 
 
 his arm, " I have attained to an estate to-day which I 
 would not exchange for the Queen's dominions." 
 
 "All right," said Spriggs. "But there is this advan- 
 tage, under both circunis^a/zces, that as soon as a feller is 
 either married or hanged, he is out of suspense, at all 
 events ; though it aint but a sunk fence, betwixt cutting 
 up, and cutting down, neither." 
 
 " Hallo ! Lay to, there. Wedding a-hoy !" cried a voice 
 from behind the bridal-party, as they had almost neared 
 ** The Boar's Head ;" and upon simultaneously turning 
 round, they beheld a tall, thin, merry-looking sailor, — 
 his glazed flat-croT\aied hat, with its new blue ribbon 
 streamers, very much at the back of his head, thereby 
 displajing the two little chestnut ringlets on either temple 
 of his high forehead ; and his long-cut blue eyes, with 
 laughter twinkling in their corners. Though his nose was 
 of the longest, it was thin, and well chiselled ; as was his 
 somewhat large mouth, displaying two rows of dazzling 
 teeth. In a word, though both he, and his friends ignored 
 the fact, he was the very fac-simile of the portrait of Francis 
 the First. 
 
 His jacket was as new as it was blue ; his shirt of 
 snowy-white, curiously, and elaborately embroidered in 
 chain-stitch, the broad collar turned down, and a blue 
 silk kerchief round his neck, the ends of which, were 
 passed through a massive barbaric gold Indian-looking 
 ring, with three large uncut rubies in -it. An enormous 
 favour, large as a brobdignag magnolia, adorned his 
 button-hole, his Kussia duck trowsers made wide at the 
 ankles, and thereby displaying to the best advantage, a 
 pair of blue and white ribbed silk stockings, and shoes, 
 with broad resplendently-cut silver buckles, were of the 
 same dazzling brightness as his linen. Out of one of the
 
 236 
 
 pockets of his jacket fluttered the corner of a white silk 
 pocket-handkerchief, upon which was embroidered in 
 purple silk a crown and anchor, and the initials 
 T. C, while under his arm he carried a long silver- 
 paper parcel. 
 
 Hastily nodding to Martha and Euby as he passed, he 
 seized the bridegroom's hand with his own left hand, and 
 giving it a sonorous slap with the right, exclaimed — 
 
 " Bob, my hearty ! how are you ? Hoorah ! three 
 cheers for the Robert and Mary ! The mate's as honest 
 a fellow as ever lived. And," continued he, with a 
 glance at Mary, "it's always customary to christen the 
 figure-head at a launch ; — well, well," seeing the colour 
 that mantled over her face, "I'll wait till we get into 
 port ; but I hope you won't refuse to hoist my colours ?" 
 Then he withdrew from under his arm the silver-paper 
 parcel, containing a very magnificent carnation-col om^ed 
 China crape shawl, rich with that cunning embroidery 
 peculiar to the Chinese, which, unlike politics, has no 
 wi'ong side. But, to avoid Mary's thanks, he laid his 
 hand on Bob's shoulders as he turned, and walked by his 
 side, saying as he did so, " And so you're actually spliced, 
 at last ! old fellow r 
 
 " Polly !" cried the bridegroom, for all reply, " shake 
 hands with him ; this is Jack Rosinscrape, as genuine a 
 tiTmip ! as you'll find between Eastcheap and the Antilles."" 
 " Indeed," said Mary, obe3ring with alacrity. " Robert 
 has so often talked about you to me, that I fancy you are 
 an old acquaintance, Mr. Rosinscrape." 
 "Ha! ha! ha! Mister Rosmscrape." 
 " Bless your pretty face, Polly, my dear ! call me Jack, for 
 Misters aint no more use to a sailor, than a side-pocket 
 would be to a cow."
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 237 
 
 But while he was wringing her hand, he was assailed 
 by clamorous inquiries from the rear ; Spriggs hoping he 
 had got plenty of new songs, and had not forgotten none 
 of the old ones, above which, rose Martha Ray's west- 
 country falsetto, rej^roachfully saying — 
 
 " Now, Jack Rosinscrape, I do take it very onkind of 
 ee, as ee never asks after my Polly V 
 
 " Your Polly, indeed ; who could think of i/our Polly, 
 Martha Ray, alongside of Bob's pretty Polly ? Why,'' 
 added he, turning suddenly and shaking her hand, while 
 he at the same time took one of Ruby's, elevating his 
 right foot to Spriggs, as his only remaining available 
 limb, " I hadn't time even to ask after my sweetheart. 
 Ruby, here ; for you know, Martha," glancing back at the 
 bride out of the corners of his laughing blue eyes, " a 
 virtuous woman is above rubies." 
 
 " Ay, very true, I forgive ee, Jack, as here we are at 
 the Boar's Head," laughed Martha, pointing to the effigy 
 of that animal, as limned on the window-blind of the 
 tavern, " for two heads is better than one." 
 
 On entering the narrow, sanded passage, and finding 
 his arms once more free, Spriggs twisted his handkerchief 
 into a sort of professional wisp, and began rubbing down 
 his face with the obligato st-liiss ! accompaniment, mth 
 which he was wont to assist at Merrythought's toilette, 
 and having congratulated himself on once more being a 
 single man without encumbrances, the whole party entered 
 the old wainscoted parlour, now profanely painted white, 
 but still adorned with some flagrant old line engravings 
 of its whilom patrons. Here, the table was already laid 
 for dinner, and in one comer of the room was a triangular 
 buffet, rotund with punch-bowls, and glittering with 
 punch-ladles, with angels, and rose nobles, of unalloyed
 
 238 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 gold inserted in their bowls, and surrounded by " parcel- 
 gilt goblets/' that Mrs. Quickly herself would not have 
 disdained. 
 
 With combined nautical gallantry and order, Jack 
 Kosinscrape began "stowing away" the three bonnets, 
 handling the bride's perhaps a little more gingerly than 
 the vest, but tying all the strings with great neatness and 
 adroitness, and suspending them from some of the divers 
 brass-hooks that went round the room for such purposes ; 
 he was then about to relieve Mary of the parcel containing 
 his own costly gift, when she, with an innate good 
 breeding, which many finer ladies so often lack, said, 
 "No, no, I miist put on my beautiful shawl, which is too 
 handsome to wear every day, and indeed too good for me 
 at any time, but not too good for this day," she added, 
 looking affectionately at her delighted husband, who, after 
 returning the look with interest, hastily left the room to 
 conceal his emotion, and order the wine for the marriage- 
 feast, leaving Kosinscrape proudly arranging the folds of 
 the magnificent Canton crape, on the bride's shoulders, 
 which, when done, he stood at a little distance from her, 
 contemplating it with folded arms, and only wishing that 
 old Ching-Fou, the Chinaman who sold it to him, and did 
 him on a chest of painted green tea, could see it now, 
 wouldn't he want his shawl back ? and didn't they wish 
 he might get it, that's all ?" 
 
 Indeed, small as that wainscoted-room was, it seemed to 
 contain sympathetic occupation for every one. Mrs. Ray 
 minutely examined the old china in the buffet, even 
 flipping it with her fingers, to ascertain whether it had any 
 flaws ; and Ruby had discovered in another corner of the 
 room a splendid portrait of a, black cat, not £0 much a 
 work of art, as of industry, as it was composed of black
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 239 
 
 cotton-velvet, pasted upon white card-board, and reclining; 
 upon a red cotton-velvet cushion, looking at vacancy, or it 
 might be, at mythological mice, through two large, yellow- 
 green glass eyes. 
 
 " Oh, Smudge • Smudge !" cried Ruby, clapping her 
 hands on the discover}^ 
 
 " Well, so it is, very much like Smudge, my lambskin," 
 said Martha, immediately joining her, and responding to 
 the appeal. 
 
 While Spriggs, who did not every day wear coloured 
 clothes, and one of his master's shirts, had no idea of not 
 acting, as well as dressing, the part; so having rubbed 
 down his face, he flipped the dust from his boots, then 
 turned his back to the fireless grate, standing in homoeo- 
 pathic proportions, m a similar attitude to the Colossus of 
 Rhodes, with his hands behind his back and his head very 
 erect ; having first rung the bell, to answer which, an 
 mider-sized, and somewhat bow-legged waiter appeared ; 
 his arms he also bowed out in a curious manner, thus 
 leaving vistas through his whole person, that Capability 
 Browne might in vain have emulated ; therefore had he 
 (thanks to all this openness) attempted anything like 
 extortion, he would have been easily seen through. His 
 face was dark and swarthy,, but at the same time mild and 
 maudlin, surmounted by a perfect quick-set hedge of black, 
 elaborately frizzled hair ; in short, the contour of his 
 figure was very much that of a spitch-cocked chicken, with 
 the mushrooms left out. 
 
 "Did you ring, sir?" he inquired, upon opening the 
 door rapidly, taking notes of the whole party, and there- 
 fore addressing the query to Spriggs, who rising with the 
 occasion, after slightly balancing himself to and fro, said 
 with that humming and hawing, which, from his observar-
 
 240 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 tions on men and things, lie deemed peculiarly, not to say 
 exclusively aristocratic. 
 
 "' Aw — yes — aw — but aw — waitaw — what's your name, 
 aw ? for aw — when — aw, one has not one's own servants to 
 wait — aw, one aw — likes aw — to know aw — ^the aw — name 
 aw — of the people who aw attend/' 
 
 " Very good, sir — yes sir — certainly sii\ My name is 
 Fowkes, sir." 
 
 " Fawkes — aw, hany relation of the horiginal Guy's, aw?" 
 
 '' Not Fawkes, sir, Fowkes ; with a ho (o) please sir." 
 
 " Dear heart I" exclaimed Mrs. Eay, now catchmg the 
 by no means euphonious name, taking off her spectacles, 
 and, notvsdthstanding a deprecatory frown hurled at her 
 by Spriggs, advancing with most unaristocratic respect 
 towards its owner. " Pray, sir, may I make so bold as to 
 ask if so be, as you are any relation to one Mrs. Fowkes, 
 a widow ooman, as rents a tenement of a brother of mine, 
 John Palfreyman, down at Twaddleton, near Field Fleury?'' 
 
 " Oh, lawr, ah ! marm," responded the waiter, involun- 
 tarily pressing both his hands on his chest, and accom- 
 panying the action with an equally involuntary grimace. 
 " Hunfortunately I m her nevey (nephew), the terriblest 
 old screw as hever lived. I was pretty nearly starved to 
 death by her, and so one fine morning I tooked and runned 
 away, comed hup to London, and getting a chance by a 
 vacancy in the Boar, I asked for the place, and became a 
 waiter." 
 
 " Which you never could have been," put in Spriggs, 
 anxious at one and the same time, to stop any more ex- 
 planations between him, and Mrs. Eay, and display his 
 wit. " Which you never could have been, aw, without a 
 screw — so aw — you ought to be very much obliged to the 
 hold lady."
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 241 
 
 ^' Dear heart," resumed the undaunted Martha Kay. 
 " And to think as you are a Twaddleton man, and Mrs. 
 Fowkes's uevey. How well I remember that ere old house 
 of hers, in the corner of Well-close, and the long common 
 at the back on it, you remember that long common leading 
 to Field Fleury? 
 
 '' I remember the short commons a deal better," said 
 Fowkes, shakmg his head, and rapidly transferring the 
 napkin that was under his right arm to his left, in the very 
 natural excitement that the painful reminiscence occasioned 
 him, or perhaps empty regret, would l^e the more appro- 
 priate term. 
 
 " Well," smiled Martha : John Palfreyman do complain 
 of her being terrible near, and the difficulty he always 
 has to get his rent, though every one knows she's main 
 well to do." 
 
 " Oh lawi" ! " rejoined the starved scion of the house of 
 Fowkes, subsiding into all the ease of friendly equality 
 with Mrs. Ray. " The richest scene as hever I see, was 
 the Toosday afore I rund away, between Aunt Fowkes 
 and Mr. Palfreyman. She seed him a coming across the 
 common from Field Fleury, and making for the turn of the 
 close, and she knew that meant 'rent ;' so quick as light- 
 ning she slams \\i) the leaf of the walnut-tree bureau, into 
 which, she had just put another canvass bag of sovereigns, 
 as Mister Terps Quirker had brought her down that very 
 day, her o-\vn rent for three houses, as she have got here in 
 London in Hatton Garden, and turning the key, she puts 
 it in her pocket. 
 
 " Jerry," says she to me — " my name is Jeremiah, but in 
 the famly way, they drops the lamentations, and calls me 
 Jeriy. Well Jerry," says she, " you heave down that ere 
 great Bible, and it was a heave! sure enough, a great 
 
 VOL. I. i:
 
 242 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 twelve-pounder of a hold and new Testament, with notes 
 and picturs, and psalms, and hymns, and canticles like, 
 rolled into one, as Madam Mornmgton had give her for 
 jining the Atat Ark of Salvation, which I verily believe 
 she did jiiie, because there aint no charity-sermons, nor 
 any bother kind of charity there ; so with a great tug, I 
 hawls it down, and tumbles it on to the table, from the 
 top of the wahiut-tree bureau, where it always stood 
 looking as burley as a bishop. She hopens it at random, 
 it was a breeches Bible, full of picters, as I said afore, and 
 as she had opened it upside down, if there warnt Hadam 
 and Heve a stanning hon their eads. When I see this, I 
 thought I should ave busted with laughing ; and as I 
 knew she could not do much to me before Mister PaLfe^ey- 
 man would come in, ' Aunt,' says I, ' is that the way they 
 prays at the Ark ? How tired their heyes must be, from 
 having such a precious long way to turn them up/ 
 
 "'Jerry, you himp of darkness,' says she, 'I'll teach 
 you to blaspheme in that way, and subvert the order of 
 natur,' trying to hit me a knock mth her clenched fist, 
 but I ducked, and so escaped to the other side of the 
 table, where I said, nibbing my cheek that she meant to 
 have hurt, ' It aint I, aunt Fowkes, as subverts the order 
 of natur, for I never stands uj)on my ead.' " 
 
 " ' Ugh ! you cast-away,' says she, ' Cain was a Cosset 
 to you,' and with that she give me such a dig in the 
 chest, across the table, that I sprawled my full length 
 on the red-brick flure, jist as Mister Palfreyman put his 
 hand on the latch of the door and walked in, when the 
 old crocodile turns up her heyes and says, in one of her 
 manna-in-the-wilderness voices, mild as new milk — 
 
 " ' Heaven have you in its* holy keeping, John Palfrey- 
 man; I was just explaining the mystery of the fall to Jerry.'
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 243 
 
 " ' So I perceive/ says Mister Palfreyman, * but I be 
 come about a rise in the rent, Mrs. Fowkes ; for this here 
 Well-close house has been under-let far too long/ 
 
 " ' Eh ! John Palfreyman, don't be too hard upon a 
 poor, lone widow ; — what says this blessed book ? ' the 
 merciful man is merciful to his ' 
 
 " ' Beast,' says Mister Palfreyman, finishing the sentence 
 for her ; ' ay, ay, Mrs. Fowkes, and goodness knows I 
 have been merciful to you long enough — but my rent I 
 want, and my rent I must have.' 
 
 " 'Eh, man, can you get blood out of a stone?' says 
 the old gal, clasping on her hands, and turning hup her 
 heyes Atat fashion.' 
 
 '' ' Yes, I can, Mrs. Fowkes,' says Mister Palfreyman, 
 'when it's a blood-stone ; and I know as Mister Crosbie 
 Quii'ker, the lyeyer, was down here this morning, a bring- 
 ing on you money.' 
 
 " ' As I hope to be saved/ says the old sinner, always 
 sticking to the letter, and throwing the sperit hover 
 board, ' Mister Crosbie Quirker has never darkened my 
 doors this day.' 
 
 " ' Tut, tut — six o' one, and half-a-dozen of tother ; — I 
 may be mistaken as to the man, but not as to the fact ; 
 and if it warn't Mister Crosbie, it war his brother Terps, 
 the 'tomey.' 
 
 " ' Well, he only came,' says the hold hyenar, ' to say 
 as I must wait for my own rents ; and you know, John 
 Palfreyman, with all the good-will in the world, I can't 
 pay money till I get it.' 
 
 " ' Nonsense, Mrs. Fowkes, Fd lay my best brood-mare 
 to a tomtit, that you have more money at this moment, 
 in that ere walnut-tree bureau, than would pay three 
 years' rent/ and with that, he hits the leaf a hard blow 
 
 B 2
 
 244 THE ^VOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 with his heavy oaken stick, till tlie j^ellow-hammers in 
 the canvass-bag chinked again. * Ha ! ha ! ha ! ' laughed 
 Mister Palfreyman, ' money always tells ! what do you 
 call that, Kezia Eowkes V 
 
 " 'What do I call it V says the old limb, never at a loss 
 for a lie, and as free with them as she is saving of her 
 money, ' what do I call it ? why man, the chink of the 
 'Postle christening-spoons, as ave been in our family 
 hundreds and hundreds of years, for though the Fowkes's 
 is nobodies now, and poor Kezia has not wherewithal 
 to pay her rent, my mother's great-great-great-great-great- 
 grandmother was pretty Amy Turner, daughter to Madam 
 Turner, as was yellow-starcher to Queen Elizabeth, and 
 did up all her ruffs ; and that's the way as we come by 
 so many 'Postle-spoons in the family ; and poor as I am, 
 I'd starve afore I'd part vrith one of them.' 
 
 " ' Well,' says Mister Palfreyman, with that ere merry 
 twinkle in his eye, 'just let us see these wonderful spoons. 
 But the old cocatrice v/arn't such a spoon as all that 
 comes to ; so, folding her arms, she leans her whole 
 weight, mounting the breach like on the great Bible, 
 determined that he might take her life, but should not 
 have her money, till, from words they neaily come to 
 blows ; but bones won, that is, aunt Fowkes got the day, 
 for she kept Mister Palfre3niian till evening began to 
 gloam, when he was so tired he was obliged to give in, 
 but not v^dthout a parting compliment, for, shaking his 
 stick at her, he said — 
 
 " ' Look ee, Kezia Fowkes, if I had but another tenant 
 like you, I'd give Lucifer 'totlier, to bribe him to carry 
 you off before morning.' " 
 
 When they had all done laughing at Mr. Fowkes's 
 anecdote of his amiable relative, Spriggs, pantomimicariy
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 245 
 
 giving an imaginary moustache a twirl, resumed liis con- 
 sequential airs, and said — 
 
 " Aw, waiter, I rang for you to know whether aw — the 
 aw — mess-man at the Tow-aw sent anything here for 
 me?" 
 
 "What name, sir?'' 
 
 " Aw — Spriggs, aw — Captain Spriggs, Grenadier 
 Gawds." 
 
 Fowkes bowed, and withdrew, with an — 
 
 "I'll see, sir." 
 
 Spriggs arranged his collar, by way of peroration, 
 while Jack Rosinscrape held his sides, leant back in 
 liis chair, and faii4y roared till he might have been 
 heard at the Nore. 
 
 " AVell, you are the coolest hand I ever saw, Spriggs/* 
 said he, as soon as he could speak. 
 
 *■ Not at all, my dear fellow — there are tricks in every 
 trade ; and in hour profession, that is, among gentle- 
 men's gentlemen, we always take either our masters' 
 names or their titles, as a handle to hour own names." 
 
 " Ha 1 ha ! ha 1 hawl down that flag, my fine fellow ; 
 you've no business to sail in the Admiral's ship, for, 
 Harvey is your gentlemen's-gentleman." 
 
 "No offence, my dear fellow, but since you left the 
 Queen's, for the merchant service, all for the ' filthy lucre 
 of gain,' as they say at the Thayater, your manners is 
 grown terrible rusty, — or, I'd jist ask you what was a poor 
 snivelling valley-de-sham, whose life is wedged between 
 kid gloves, French polish, cambric ankitchers, hand Ho 
 de Coolong, compared with a man as sees the world, on 
 the back of the best blood in England, and is a judge of 
 OSS-flesh ?" 
 
 Before Rosinscrape could reply to the physiological
 
 24G THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 query Spriggs had proi^ouncled, the waiter returned, 
 bringing in a somewhat bulky square parcel, wrapped in 
 some very official-looking thick-wove foolscap." 
 
 " I don't know if this is it, sir ? but there ain't no 
 Cappen hon it, honly plain Spriggs, Boar's Head, 
 Heastcheap." 
 
 " Plain Spriggs, indeed, — sir ! I'd have you to know," 
 said he, snatching the parcel out of the trembling Jerry's 
 hand, that there are no plain Spriggs. We are all a 
 'andsome family, — except, indeed, the sprigs of shillelah, 
 with which the lower borders hof Hirish knock each other 
 down. And has for the one word, Spriggs, being hon this 
 parcel, I suppose how hever hignorant you may be of the 
 customs and 'abits of the great world, you sometimes read 
 the noose-papers ?" 
 
 " Ye — ye — yes, sir. Oh ! yes, whenever I git a chance," 
 said the still trembling Fowkes, rolling the corner of his 
 napkin nervously into an allumette. 
 
 " Well, then — pray, sir, when did you hever see a letter 
 from a nobleman, when they write to " The Times " about 
 tape, or turnips, molasses, or mouse-traps, or hany of the 
 bother great nayiiGn^l questions — ^when, I say, did you 
 hever see them sign but their one surname, ' Portarjis,' or 
 ' St. Heliers,' hor whatever their title may be, without any 
 riff-raff Charleses, Toms, or 'Arrys, a-running after it, like 
 duns after a debtor, eh V 
 
 " Beg your pardon, sir, I'm sure," said Jerry, backing 
 as far from the august presence, as the narrow limits of 
 the room would allow. " And are you a nobleman, sir ? — 
 my lord, I mean." 
 
 "Well, sir," said Spriggs, drawing himself up into a 
 most ludicrous state of perpendicularity, and transfixing
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 247 
 
 the quivering Fowkes with a terrific look of mingled 
 severity and dignity, 
 
 " If I am not, I had ort to be ;" and then suddenly 
 flinging his assumed greatness to the winds, as a harlequhi 
 does his outer disguise, and placing both his hands on the 
 astounded Jerry's shoulders, before that functionary could 
 either escape or remonstrate, he took what he called a 
 standing-leap over that personage's highly frizzled head ; 
 next giving him a slap on the back to restore his 
 equilibriimi, which nearly thumped the breath out of his 
 body, Mr. Spriggs added, with all the easy familiarity of 
 his own natural character, as he proceeded to oj^en the 
 parcel, which contained several damask napkins, 
 
 *' Now, Jerry, my boy ; having shown you how to take 
 a standing leap, I'll show you how to ride to cover in a 
 hand-gallop." 
 
 So saying, he proceeded to fold the napkins with great 
 dexterity, into the exact, but somewhat ghastly similitude 
 of a fox's head, — placing them, as he did them, round the 
 table. 
 
 " Well, I never !" cried the amazed and delighted Jerry. 
 " That beats cock-fighting." 
 
 "Where's Bob?" asked Rosinscrape, in almost equal 
 admii'ation of Mr. Spriggs's ingenuity ; to which the latter 
 replied, after a stentorian View-halloo ! that made all the 
 glasses ring, and the china rattle : — " Stole away I" 
 
 " No, he's not," said Bob, now entering, followed by the 
 landlady carrying the fii\st dish, and the landlord carrying 
 a basket of wine. Nor did the procession end there ; as 
 two confectioners' men from Birch's brought up the rear, 
 witli two wooden trays on their heads, one laden with 
 choice fruits, the other with confectionery, — in the centre 
 of which, towered a large weddmg-cake, embellished by
 
 248 THE WOELD AND HIF; WIFE ; 
 
 a model of the Hans Van Kelp in sugar, but dressed in 
 colours for the occasion, and all her yards manned ; while 
 on the deck was an effigy of the donor, Jack Eosinscrape 
 himself, in the bluest, whitest, and reddest of sugar, — 
 flourisliing a highly-glazed Spanish-liquorice hat, and 
 judging from his -widely-distended mouth, apparently 
 cheering most energetica%. 
 
 At lengtli, the whole party were seated ; and one of the 
 delicate little entrees being a calf's head, with a lemon in 
 its mouth, in humble imitation of the portrait of the 
 boar's that fio-iired on the window-blind, innimierable were 
 the quips and cranks it inspired : among others, upon 
 Mr. Spriggs declining Jack Rosuiscrape's offer of helping 
 him to some of it. Jack observed, mth a -wink at the rest 
 of the comjDany, 
 
 " Ah ! I miderstand, — don't like to set the horses a bad 
 example of eating their heads oflP." 
 
 Whereat, Mr. Spriggs looked liorse-whips, but used 
 none, being busy at the moment, helping himself to some 
 lobster-sauce with liis salmon, till Euby asking hiin, two 
 minutes after, " ^\^y the calf's head had a lemon in its 
 mouth?" gave him an opportmiity of retorting, as he 
 glanced at Eosinscrape — 
 
 " Why do they put a lemon in its mouth ? AMiy, my 
 dear, to show that it's easy for even the silliest things to 
 have something sharp at the end of their tongue." 
 
 " You'm a nice yoimg man for a small tea-party ! you 
 are," laughed Eosinscrape, in his broad Devonshire accent 
 (for he was a Plymouth man) ; and, as he laughed, he 
 aimed a pellet of bread at Spriggs, — which, missing 
 its aim, hit Mary's cheek, to the great consternation 
 of the archer, who began making the most vehement 
 apologies.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 249 
 
 " Oh ! I assure you, Mr. Eosiuscrape, it did not hurt 
 me ill the least," said Mary. 
 
 " Mr. Rosinscrape ! now is it possible, Bob, that you 
 have never told your -wife as it was you, as give me that 
 ere ragamuffin nick-name of Eosinscrape ? I assure you 
 Mrs. Eobert Buinpus," added he, turning to her, " that 
 though like the Irishman, ' till christened I had ne'er a 
 name to my back,' yet, after that ceremony, I was called 
 Tom Carew, and it was on account of my worrying the 
 catgut sometimes, that your lord and master there, and a lot 
 more of they Twaddleton and Field Fleiiry men, eight years 
 ago, one night at Mornington Manor, in the old squire's 
 time, when I was a fiddling one Christmas Eve in the 
 servants' hall, for all of them to dance to, that they give 
 me that nick-name, and I've never been able to scrape it 
 off since." 
 
 " Ah ! well," said Spriggs, mth a groan, " make the 
 most of it, for you wont never have no more fiddling, nor 
 feasting at Mornington Manor, I can tell you ; long prayers 
 and short commons is the horder of the day now, and 
 night too for that matter ; nothing merrier than mouthed 
 texts, nothing greater than small beer, with unlimited 
 draughts on the pump for the men, and hymns without 
 end for the women, but no he's ! and then for hair hand 
 hexercise, walks hin hall weathers — rain, hail, or shine — 
 down to ' The Ark,' which haint to compare to Noah's, 
 for hin hiseii, the hanimals at all ewents was pleasant 
 hand sociable like, hand had the manners to henter hin, 
 hin pairs, 
 
 The ducks a leaning on the drakes, 
 
 The geese upon the ganders, 
 
 Owls, jackdaws, doves, and speckled snakes, 
 
 Corn-crakes, and salamanders.
 
 250 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 But at ' The Atat/ sich sociability would be ' sinful !' 
 and so the men, at least as many on 'em as is fools 
 enough to go, all swarms hin hat one door, like a cloud of 
 locusts, hand the women hat 'tother like a swarm of 
 hants, for Jacks and Jills they're all in black, colour of 
 their sins I s'pose ; so that one longs to say to 'em, as 
 Sally Sykes, the dairymaid at Mornington, said to the 
 hartist has cut hout her likeness hin black paper at 
 Twaddleton fair last Michaelmas, 'Now couldn't ee, if I 
 give ee sixpence more, put a dab o' red in un ? he looks 
 
 so dreadful dismal to be sure, 
 
 5 :> 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! Well done, Sally Sykes ; but as for 
 Madam Mornington, there always was a cross of the 
 Siberian crab in her," laughed Carew, " and that's not a 
 fruit that mellows with age, and she must, I should think, 
 be hard upon sixty-five." 
 
 "Hon the contrairy," rejoined Spriggs, "it's sixty-five that 
 is hard upon her, for she looks houtrageous old, hand un- 
 kimmen plain about the head to be sure !" 
 
 " Hear ! hear ! hear I" roared Carew, knocking the 
 handle of his knife upon the table by way of applause, 
 and then, in proposing the ladies' healths, collectively and 
 individually (several times), he always accompanied the 
 gallantry by some mirth-provoldng "sentiment" or "yarn," 
 so that though those old walls had in their young days 
 echoed to racier wit, they certainly never inclosed a merrier 
 party, "sans compter le manger," and if Eosinscrape's 
 stories (as his friends continued to call him), proved, as 
 Rabelais says of another hero, "qu'il auoit, comme ay 
 diet dessus, soixante et troys manieres de recouuer argent ;" 
 the magnificence of the dessert also showed that he like- 
 wise had " deux cens quatorze de la despendre." 
 
 Of the ponderous wedding-cake he had just done the
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 251 
 
 lionoiirs, (^vith more health-drinking) and presented his 
 sugar-effigy from off the top of it, to Ruby, telling her 
 that, that was a real sweet heart, when Fowkes, the waiter, 
 re-entered, carrying an old worm-eaten oak-box, about a 
 foot and a-half in length, opening with folding doors in 
 tlie centre like a cabinet, with a lock and key. 
 
 ''I don't know hif hany of you gents cares about 
 curosities," said he, apologetically, as he glanced round 
 the table at the bottles and glasses, which, Spriggs per- 
 ceiving, winked at his companions, and filling out a 
 bumper of water, rose, and, before the unhappy little man 
 could get out of the way, seized Jerry by the nose, as he 
 would have done a terrier pup, and literally drenched him 
 with it, saying, " F'tn perticklar fond of curosities for 
 one, and therefore wish to have it to say, as I once see a 
 waiter drink hoff a glass of water, when he might have 
 had wine for the basking/' And while poor Fowkes was 
 still coughing from the compulsory draught having gone 
 the wrong way, his tormentor poured out nearly a tumbler 
 of port, and presented it to him with a " Make haste ! 
 look sharp ! swaller this quick ; — nothink so dangerous to 
 pussons of die\icut coiistitootions, like you and I, Fowkes, 
 has a damp gullet ; hand when, from any haccidental 
 cu'cum^^flwces, like the present, it have got a ducking, 
 Humane Sarciety happlys this here, himmejet" 
 
 " Considerably restored by the remedy, and having 
 joined in the laugh that had been raised at his expense, 
 j\Ir. Fowkes, revenait a ses moutons, and planting the 
 middle-finger of his right hand, in the centre of the oak 
 box, with as much energy as a conqueror would plant his 
 national standard upon the battlements of a captured 
 fortress, he resumed, " I don't know, hif so be has hany of 
 you gents cares about curosities ? but most of the gents
 
 252 THE WORLD AND HTS WIFE ; 
 
 as comes here, considers this has one of the curusest 
 things has hever was seen \" And every one rose and 
 gathered round him, as he imlocked and opened the 
 doors of the cabinet, but seeing nothing but a long roll 
 of discoloured parchment, with strange spidery writing 
 in pale-faded, reddish-brown mk, Martha Eay being the 
 first to honestly own herself at fault, exclaimed, — 
 
 " Lawr, what hever is it ?" 
 
 " Now, you're quite sure, Jerry, my man, that, that ere 
 felonious-looking document hamt the Devil's will ? hand 
 that you haint come to hinform us hof nothink to hour 
 c//5-advantage ? " 
 
 " That's the horiginal dockeyment,'' responded Fowkes, 
 solemnly. 
 
 "Ugh ! you don't say so," cried Spriggs, making a 
 spring nearly up to the ceiling, and jumping back several 
 paces with his hands behind his back, while the impassible 
 Fowkes calmly turned up the loll of discoloured parch- 
 ment, as he added — 
 
 " And this here hunder-neath, his the heg-zact copy, 
 hin modern Hengiish, so as those as runs may read. 
 ' Praps, sir (turning to Mr. Bumpus), you'd be so good has 
 to read hit hout to the company ? for it is uncommon 
 curus, I assure you." 
 
 The Amphitryon immediately complied with this re- 
 quest, and read as follows : — 
 
 "Directions for the Household of his most 
 Glorious Majesty, King Henry the Eighth. 
 
 " His Highness's attendants are not to steal any locks 
 Or keys, taloles, forms, cupboards, or other furniture, out 
 of noblemen's, or gentlemen's houses, where he goes to 
 visit.
 
 OK, A PERr^OX OF CONSEQUENCE. . • 253 
 
 " Master cooks shall not employ such scullions as go 
 about naked, or lie all night on the ground before the 
 kitchen fire. 
 
 •' No dogs to be ke2)t in the Court, excepting only a few 
 spaniels for the ladies. 
 
 '* Dinner to be at ten, and supper at four. 
 
 " The officers of the Privy Chamber shall be loving 
 together; no grudgings nor mumblings, nor talking of 
 the King's pastimes. 
 
 " The King's barber is ordered to be cleanly." 
 
 ***** 4!J 
 
 * * * * * ^U 
 
 " Coals only to be allowed in the King's, Queen's, and 
 Lady Mary's chambers. 
 
 " The brewer not to put any brimstone in the ale. 
 
 " Among the fishes for the table, if the porpoise is too 
 big for a horse-load, an extra allowance to the pur- 
 veyor. 
 
 " Twenty-four loaves a day, allowed for his Highness's 
 greyhounds. 
 
 " Ordered, that all noblemen and gentlemen, at the end 
 of the sessions of the Parliament, depart to their several 
 counties, on pain of the royal displeasure." 
 
 " Ugh ! " groaned Spriggs, shuddering, and showing the 
 whites of his eyes. ''• It is to be hoped, then, as there was 
 no ^lomington manors — or Atat Arks of Salvation in 
 those days — or eaven elp the poor Parliament-men ! least 
 ways, their grooms !" 
 
 " Four-and- twenty loaves. I wonder how many dogs 
 there were ? Poor Tatters !" sighed Bob, but seeing a 
 contemptuous smile, or rather the shadow of one pass over 
 Spriggs's face, he hastily added, " There's one very good 
 rule there, and I only wish it could be enforced now-a-days."
 
 254 V THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 "Oh! about the cooks?" suggested Jerry, who was 
 rather one-idead ; "well the cooks now-a-days, always does 
 dress their selves, afore they dresses the dinner." 
 
 " No, I meant the order, about not stealing the furni- 
 ture ; for, our laws are nothing but a pack of old forms, 
 stolen from those times, and there's no getting our Par- 
 liament to give them up." 
 
 " I should think not, indeed ! " said Spriggs. " You 
 jist look at all the set downs, has the Parliament gits ; and 
 what hever would they do, hif they adn't plenty of forms 
 to set on?" 
 
 "In all classes in England, politics being only for 'the 
 gentlemen,' (for which we should be truly thankful) Mrs. Kay, 
 not to meddle with matters beyond her," said to Powkes, 
 who with his hands upon his hips, the palms turned outward, 
 and his eyes gazing widely and dreamily, on the " Eules 
 to be observed in his Highness's Household," as if the 
 onerous enforcing of them, had devolved all upon him. 
 
 " I believe as this here Boar's-Head, is pretty near the 
 oldest house of call in London ? I don't mean actelly 
 existing now, but as ever was built." 
 
 " Oh dear, no, mmn," said Mr. Powkes, with that air of 
 placid superiority, which, having the power to contradict 
 with data, always gives one human being over another, 
 whether the moot point be the priority of the invention of 
 ermnpets to muffins ; or that of YAO, the seventh Emperor 
 of China, who, according to the Celestials, reigned about 
 the year two, before the world was out of long clothes, 
 and has left it on record (?) that m his time, the sun did 
 not set for ten days together, and it was feared the world 
 would be set on fire, (though perhaps it was only the 
 Thames, from all we heard of the gTeat intellectual su- 
 periority of the Chinese ! in the last Parliament), whereas,
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 255 
 
 accordino- to Martiiiius, YAO reigned from the year of the 
 world 2479, to 2560, the same year in which the sun stood 
 still over the hill of Gibeon, and the moon over the valley 
 of Ajalon. " Oh dear, no, mum," repeated Fowkes. ' The 
 White Hart,' in Bishopsgate Without, is older, that was 
 built in 1480, wherehas, this here ouse, I mean the horimnal 
 Boar's Head, as one Prince Enry, as the story goes, used 
 to come to hon the sly, wasn't built till 1482, and then it 
 was all plaster and wooden beams like ; and I've heard 
 master say, as there war a holder tavern nor heither of 
 these, somewhere down at Westminster, but hit was pulled 
 down undi^eds, and undreds, of years ago * 
 
 * No doubt Mr. Fowkes alluded to " The White Eose," 
 which was built at the time of the Wars of York and Lan- 
 caster ; which stood in old Palace Yard, and bore the symbol 
 of the York faction; it was near the chapel of our lady, behind 
 the high altar of the Abbey church ; together with that 
 chapel, it was pulled down in 1503 : and on the site of both, 
 was erected Henry the Seventh's chapel. At the Eestora- 
 tiou, the cavaKers and other royalists, on account of their 
 joy at that event, were for a time incessantly inebriated ; 
 and from the picture of their manners in Cowley's old 
 comedy — "The Cutter of Coleman Street," must be sup- 
 posed to have greatly contributed to the increase, and 
 prosperity of taverns. 
 
 When the frenzy of the times was abated, taverns, es- 
 pecially those about the Exchange, became places for the 
 transaction of almost all manner of business ; there, accounts 
 were settled, and conveyances executed ; and there attorneys 
 sat, as at inns in the country on market-days, to receive 
 their clients. Tn that place near the Eoyal Exchange, which 
 is encompassed by Lombard, Gracechurch Streets, and part 
 of Bishopsgate and Threadneedle Streets, the number of
 
 256 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 Here, a bell was heard to ring imperatively ; and Mr. 
 Fowkes hastily turning the key on '' the directions to be 
 observed in the household of his most glorious Majesty 
 King Henry the Eighth/' and announcing that " the ,party" 
 in No. 4, was a ringing for his cheese, hmiied out of the 
 room. The "party" alluded to, consisted of a solitary 
 " commercial gent/' paying his devoirs to a single mutton 
 cho]3, which moutoniere flirtation, was rendered piquante, 
 by pickles. 
 
 " Come now. Bob, my hearty, tip us one of your staves," 
 said Tom Carew, as soon as the door had closed on Fowkes. 
 
 ''- Well, if I do, it's only to set you a good exami^le ; but 
 I haven't got anything new, so I hit upon an old things 
 which I mean to give them as an original at the openmg 
 of my Cu-cus, and it will do them as well as the best, for 
 my belief is, that there is nothing new in the world but 
 what has been forgotten ; and as in regard to injuries, 
 oblivion does duty for forgiveness, so with regard to other 
 things, it puts the hall-mark of novelty on them, and 
 what m^itter so long as the world thinks it has got the 
 genuine article." 
 
 '• Hear ! hear I hear ! three cheers for the clown ; that's 
 the way he means to touch them up in the Circus, and so 
 he's practismg like beforehand upon us," said Carew, with 
 a wink round the table. 
 
 " Hallo ! Jack ; but what about your better half, your 
 fiddle, eh ?" 
 
 taverns was not less than twenty ; and on the site of the 
 Bank of England there stood four, at one of which, '' The 
 Crown," it was not unusual in a morning to drain a whole 
 butt of mountain or sack, consisting of a hundred and 
 twenty gallons, in pints alone.
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE; 257 
 
 " Oh ! Mrs. Rosinscrape, slie'vS all right ; when we've 
 had your stave, I'll send for her, she's only in the bar, I 
 told them to bring her down this morning ; so now weigh 
 anchor and pull away, old fellow/' 
 
 Accordingly Mr. Bmnpus, who really had a very agree- 
 able tenor, plungmg his hands into his trouser-pockets, 
 as if he had been already addressing himself to an appre- 
 ciating public assembled at "BuMPUs's Unrivalled 
 Attractions," intoned the following song to a quaint old 
 English ail" : — 
 
 I. 
 
 •' An actor's a comical dog ! 
 
 Now frisky, now dull as a log ; 
 So changeable all, 
 Xow short, and now tall, 
 
 Now plump, then as slim as a frog. 
 
 II. 
 
 " Now Paddy, the brogue he puts on, 
 Then with the pride of a Don, 
 
 Now a Prench, Oui, Monsieur^ 
 Then a Dutch, Yaw, Mynheer, 
 Or bra Donald, the head of his clan. 
 
 III. 
 
 " How rarely they take in a town, 
 From one shilling, up to a crown ! 
 They pant and they cry, 
 Fight, tumble, and die, 
 But laugh when the curtain is do^n. 
 VOL. I.
 
 258 
 
 IV. 
 
 " The world is all nonsense and noise, 
 Fantoccinis, and Omhres Chinoises. 
 Mere pantomime mummery, 
 Puppet-show flummery, 
 A strange magic lantern deceiving the sight ; 
 Like players or puppets we move, 
 On the wires of ambition, or love ; 
 Poets write wittily, 
 Maidens look prettily, 
 Till death drops the curtain — all's over ! good night. 
 
 "Hoorah ! 
 
 * Grood night, and sweet repose, 
 Half the bed, and all the clothes;!' " 
 
 laughed Carew, " I never lieerd you in better voice, Bob." 
 
 "Yes, there aint nothink the matter with his wind, 
 that's a fact," said Spriggs, rising, and sticking his napkin 
 through his button-hole. 
 
 '■ Hollo ! that's a false start 1" said the host, laying his 
 hand upon Spriggs's arm to prevent his going. 
 
 " No, it aint," rejoined that worthy, adding mth a 
 wink, as he placed his fore-finger at the side of his nose, 
 " but I always looks arter the ladies.'' 
 
 " Oh ! if there's a sweetheart in the case I waive all 
 objections ; is it so T said Bob. 
 
 " Well, partly yes, and partly no ; there's a beau (bow) 
 to begin with, and it's decidedly what the nobs and gents, 
 at the west end calls ' a case,' cause there's a fiddle in it ; 
 the truth is, as I don't think it civil to leave Mrs. Eosin- 
 scrape in the bar, fuming away con spirito there, hall by 
 herself, so I'm just a going to hescort her bin, that's all."
 
 OR, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 259 
 
 " Square the yards there, and I'll go for the old gal, my- 
 self," said Carew, springing to his feet, while the bridegroom 
 obeyed his orders, by clearing the table of the glasses, decan- 
 ters, and dessert, as one of Eosinscrape's tours deforce was 
 dancing the dog-feast dance of the Sandwich Islanders on 
 a table, to liis own playing ; so, no sooner did he return 
 with his "missus," as he called the really valuable old 
 Cremona that he was the happy owner of, than, springing 
 on the table, and first waving his hat to all present, as if 
 in the act of biddinsj them adieu from the deck of a re- 
 ceding ship, he then flmig it to the other end of the room, 
 and after preluding on his violin without the bow, as if it 
 had been a guitar, he next drew forth a very scientific 
 coup d'arche, when suddenly stopping, he said, 
 
 "You'll excuse me, ladies and gemlen, but though I 
 aint got nothing of Madam Mornington's Ark of Salva- 
 tion, and such like conventicle tackle about me, yet ever 
 since I see poor Tom Piper drop down dead aboard a 
 Chinese junk, where he was a going through all his 
 anticks to bamboozle two old Mandarins, I always sings a 
 scrap of a grace like, afore I begms, in case the Black 
 Rover (that we must all sail with, sooner or later), should 
 run me down." 
 
 And a silent nod from all present having given their 
 assent to the ptropriety of such a proceeding, he forthwith 
 sang, with its touching words, that most pathetic old 
 Irish air of 
 
 " EOSIN THE BOAV. 
 " I have travelled this wide world over, 
 And now to another I go, 
 Where I know that good quarters are waiting, 
 To welcome old Eosin the Bow. 
 
 To welcome old Eosin the Bow." 
 
 s 2
 
 260 THE WOr.LD A^'D HIS WIFE ; 
 
 He had just concluded this first verse, when a Hansom 
 drove up to the door of the Boar's Head ; and the next 
 minute Fowkes made his appearance, and handing Mr. 
 Bumpus a paper, said — 
 
 " Please, sir, the gent as give me this, is hat the door in 
 a, Ansom, and ave called respecting hof this here adver- 
 tisement hin ' The Times ;' hand wishes to know hif you 
 har the ha?- (E.) B. mentioned there-hin ?" 
 
 Quickly Eobert Bumj^us cast his eyes over it, and recog- 
 nised his own advertisement about poor Tatters ; when all 
 the blood rushing to his face, he said, hastily, " Yes, to be 
 sure, I am the person. Who is he ? Where is he ? Let 
 hiTTi come in. Has he any one — any thiug with him ?" 
 said he, sinking down into his chair, literally unable to 
 stand. 
 
 " Nothink, as I see, sir — hexcej)t it is a precious good 
 opinion of his-self ; and a cm^us way of olding on his cane, 
 — orizontal, like a parish beadle's." 
 
 " Quick ! quick ! let him come in," cried Bob, as Tom 
 Carew sprang from the table, and with electric rapidity 
 replaced the decanters and glasses, and the debris of the 
 dessert, upon it, — and had scarcely completed his opera- 
 tions, and Spriggs thro^^ai himself back nonchalantly in 
 his chair, with the mise en scene of some nuts, and a glass 
 of wine before him, when the door was thrown open, and 
 Fowkes (who looked like Gulliver in the suite of the King 
 of Brobdignag), announced — 
 
 "The gent respecting hon that ere adverfiVement — 
 please, sir." 
 
 And literally obliged to stoop his .head, in order to 
 enter, an elongated figure in a jMletot, all-round collar, 
 and lemon-coloured kid gloves, swang himself into the 
 room, — while his very dusty dark hair, had the eflect of
 
 OH, A PERSON OP CONSEQUENCE. 261 
 
 being prematiu'ely grizzled ; but tliis was only owing to 
 its having failed, like many \\dser heads, to 
 
 " Snatch a grace beyond the reach of art," 
 
 and so, it still retained traces of its normal powder. 
 
 Martha Ray, quite awed by so great, at least so tall a 
 man, rose instantaneously, and with her hands folded 
 before her, dropped him one of her best curtseys ; tele- 
 graphing the while to Ruby, who followed suit. Mary 
 bowed, \\dthout rising ; Carew gave him a scrape of his 
 right foot ; Robert Bimipus rose up, as if moved by a 
 spruig. Spriggs alone retained his aristocratic sangfroid, 
 till casting a supercilious glance of inquiry over his right 
 shoulder, in the new arrival he recognised an old acquaint- 
 ance, — when, wheeling comjiletely round, and putting out 
 his hand without rising from his chair, he exclaimed, — 
 
 " Ah ! Delpops ! my boy, how are you ? Who the 
 dooce would have hever thought of seeing your ludship 
 here — hin the far heast, as we call it hat hour mess ?" 
 
 But all, in reciprocating Spriggs's shake of the hand, 
 ^Ir. Delpops — for it was no less a personage — perceiving 
 that Martha and Ruby, who, when about to sit down, 
 had been transfixed by the words " your ludship," were 
 still standing — said, with his most patronizing air, and in 
 a voice as bland, and as like his master's, as the hoarseness 
 engendered by giving the topographical word of command 
 over the top of a carriage, and occasional orgies under the 
 servants' hall-table, would allow it to be — 
 
 '•'Augh — augh — really, augh, I must beg the, augh, 
 ladies to be seated; and, augh — indeed, augh — I have, 
 augh — to apologize for, augh — presenting myself, augh — 
 at their dinner, augh — in morning costhume!' 
 
 " Oh !" said Spriggs, with a mnk at his friend, " it's not
 
 262 
 
 as hif it was the Queen's Drawi^ing-room, where one*s 
 obliged to go hiii uniform. I'm sure the ladies will hex- 
 cuse your ludship's dishahilly." 
 
 "Pray, take that chair," said Bob to the unexpected 
 guest, pointing to one, which Carew had placed on the 
 other side of the table, next to Euby. 
 
 " Hallo ! Delpops, what's the row ? It seems to me as 
 you walks drakeish — lame-like," said Spriggs. 
 
 "Augh — augh — augh — merely, augh — a slight hacci- 
 dent," responded Mr. Delpops, making an involuntary 
 retrograde wave of the hand, as he seated himself " Augh, 
 — quite the fashion, augh — to be — augh, wounded — augh, 
 since — augh — Moultan." 
 
 "Dear heart !" said Mrs. Eay, with admiring sympathy, 
 " was that the place where you was woimded, sir V 
 
 " Augh, no — augh, not exactly — augh, I had some 
 business to — augh, transact with Lord Portarjis — augh, in 
 Downing Street — and — augh — and, in fact — augh — " 
 
 But, the host perceiving the subject was not a pleasant 
 one, and moreover, dying to know if he had brought him 
 any tidings of Tatters, asked as a preliminary to that 
 inquiry, if he would not take a glass of wine ? so Martha 
 Kay pushed towards him two decanters, saying — 
 
 " Which would you please to have, sir ?" 
 
 " Augh, sherrry augh, if you please ; I augh, never 
 take port — augh, of a mawning, and I've got a most orrid 
 ead-ache, aving been luictimised at the lioprev last night, 
 by Lady St. Heliers." 
 
 Here, wink the second, from Spriggs, and a "Why? 
 was her hown I — ahem ! her hown umble suvant hout oi 
 the way, as you was obliged to do dooty, Delpops?" 
 
 "Augh, yes, augh — out — augh, out of town, augh," 
 said Delpops, catching at the little grappling-iron of a
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. • 2GS 
 
 fiction, Spriggs had thrown to him, in suppressing the 
 footmauity of his colleague, Jukes, and, merely delicately 
 alluding to him as Lady St. Heliers' humble servant, the 
 Brimimagem English name, for Cavaliero Servants. But 
 the host was getting quite out of patience with all these 
 pour parlers, and said at once, ii propos de hottes — 
 
 " The waiter told me you had come about this adver- 
 tizement of mine in " The Times." Can you then give me 
 any tidings of my poor dog?" 
 
 " Augh ! a most confounded hanimal, augh, if he is 
 yours ; no legs are safe from his infernal sharp teeth ! " 
 
 " Country-bred," put in Spriggs, " and therefore used 
 to running after the calves ; but you don't mean to say, 
 that my friend Tatters — for from your flattering picter, I 
 think I recognizes that hindnvidual — you don't mean to 
 say, as he's taken hup his quarters at Lord St. Heliers?" 
 
 "No, augh, no — augh — not e^zactly, but, augh, at a 
 friend of his, at whose ouse, I'm augh in the abit of — 
 augh, visiting some ladies.'' 
 
 It would have been bad taste to have proclaimed the 
 interesting fact publicly among strangers, but the truth 
 was, that Mr. Delpops was paying his addresses to one of 
 Lady Portarjis's nursery-maids, and as his suit was only 
 in the first ^j/z/^A of success, Tatters following so close 
 upon the heels of Cupid, proved a far greater impediment 
 to all the " soft impeachments" Mr. Delpops had to make 
 against ]Miss Fanny Felloon, than the de trop exigeances 
 of the ladies Naomi, and Gemma De Vere, or even that 
 " howdacious young limh" Lord Clanhaven. 
 
 " And augh," resumed the silver-lace Lovelace, " I 
 assure you, augh, that augh confounded hanimal, augh, is 
 such a decided noosence, hand so completely prevents
 
 264 ■ THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 hall* conversation, that a committee hon us the hother 
 night, passed a resolution to garotte him, when luckily for 
 him (if he is your dawg f) we sawr your advertizement 
 in the papers, hofFering a reward of five guineas for him, 
 hand I spose it is the same daivg ; as this one hanswers 
 to the name of Tatters • at least that's what they calls im, 
 and goodness knows he. deseiTes the name, and tries to 
 make hevery one helse deserve it, too — for such a wishus 
 hanimal as that, his enough to tear liany one to tatters V 
 
 " Oh ! thank you, cried Bob (who like most persons 
 under similar circumstances, never once thought of 
 defendmg his absent friend, or refuting these calumnies 
 against him), " where — where is he ? can you, will you, 
 have the goodness to take me to him ?" 
 
 "No occasion for that," said Mr. Delpops, reversing 
 the order of things, by rising to ring the bell, which 
 being immediately answered by that "listening slave," 
 Fowkes, he added — 
 
 " Augh, be so good, augh, as bring in a amper, you'll 
 find in the cab ? '^ 
 
 Robert Bumpus was about to rush to the door, when 
 Mr. Delpops pulled him back. " Now, don't, pray," said 
 he, "for you ave no hidear hof the wishusness of that 
 hanimal, if he shouldn't be your dawg, after hall." 
 
 " Tatters in a hamper ! " cried Bob, his arms dropping 
 listlessly by his sides, as yielding to circumstances (as the 
 sternest of us are compelled by them, to do) he allowed 
 Mr. Delpops to pull him back into his chair. " Tatters 
 in a hamper ! it can't be Tatters ; he'd never submit to 
 being stuffed into a hamper, he'd have gnawed every twig 
 of it asimder, before you could have said Jack Robinson." 
 
 * Servant's-hall understood.
 
 OR, A PERSON OF PONSEQUENCE. 265 
 
 " Angh ! No doubt, but we muzzled him, and it was a 
 reglar case of h abduction, I assure you ; as he was a being- 
 led into the park by their ladyships, hor hat least by Lady 
 Naomi, for little Lady Gemmar, she went down to Beech- 
 croft last month hon a visit, for the benefit of sea hair, to 
 some friend of her mar's, aving sprained her hancle, hand 
 just has Lady Naomi ad got as fur has Hapsley Ousa with 
 thedawg, Miss Felloon, a friend of mine and hern, has was 
 a walkin 'vntli us, she says, ' Now, Lady Naomi, my 
 dear, you let go, hand Mr. Delpops will be so good has 
 carry Tatters across has fur as the Killies statyer/ 
 Now it was hall a concerted thing between me and Jukes, 
 who vas at the corner waiting with a ansome hand a 
 amper, while I slipped hon the muzzle. You know 
 Jukes, Spriggs?" 
 
 " I should think I did, a few." 
 
 " Well, while Miss Felloon hand their ladyships, hand 
 the nussry govness was all making for the Killies, I slips 
 the muzzle hon, whips hup Tatters, squeezes him down 
 hinto the amper, hand Jukes, who had a packing-needle 
 and cord hall ready, sews him hin, while I jumped hinto 
 the ansom, he shoved hin the amper, hand we druv 
 hoff." 
 
 " Poor fellow ! I should not wonder if he was sufibcated 
 by this time," cried his afflicted master. 
 
 " Oh, deaw, no ; I can hanswer for his being alive, and 
 kicking/" said the unprincipled abductor, a statement at 
 that moment ftilly corroborated by the entry of Fowkes, 
 canying in, a round hamper before him, encircled by both 
 his short, dumpy, arms, but for every step he made forward, 
 he was kicked back two, by the throes of a local earth- 
 quake, which appeared to be going on inside the hamper, 
 but to every kick, Jerry furnished the external accom-
 
 2CG 
 
 paniment of a rapid blinking of his o^^ai eye-lids. At 
 length, however, he succeeded in anchoring the labouring 
 hamper on the chair from which Robert Bumpus had 
 sprung, and to which he pointed, as he said to Fowkes, 
 '' Here, put it down here." 
 
 But no sooner had he uttered the words, than at the 
 sound of that well-known and much-loved voice, the 
 muzzled moanings from the hamper, and the intestine 
 commotions, which nearly kicked it off of the chaii^, and 
 would have done so but for Fowkes, became perfectly 
 terrific 1 The next moment. Bob had seized a knife from 
 the table and cut the cord all round which secured the 
 hamper, when no Jack-in-the-box ever sprang up so 
 suddenly as poor Tatters did, with his paws round his old 
 master's neck ; but when Bob removed his muzzle, and 
 his feelings found a voice, it was not a bark, it was a 
 positive canine screen?!, - so that Mr. Delpops put his hands 
 to both his ears, while all the other assistants, with the 
 exception of Spriggs, wiped their eyes. 
 
 Another proof — 
 
 " Qu'il echappe souvent des sons a la douleur, 
 Qui sent faux pour I'oreille, mais sont vrais pour le coeur." 
 
 And, after all, intense joy is pain, as poor Tatters, more, 
 even, than his master, experienced at that moment ; but 
 at length, he threw himself back, quite exhausted, in liis 
 master's arms, and when his other friends gathered round 
 him, with a — 
 
 '■' Well, Tatters, poor old fellow, you are welcome back ! 
 where hctve you been all this time ?" and '• how smart you 
 are grown, with this fine blue ribbon ! and how beauti- 
 fully combed and brushed you are ! " and a peroration
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CON,>^EQUENCE. 267 
 
 from Mrs. Eay of, '-I declare, you smells as sweet as a 
 bunch of vilets ! Times is altered with you, Tatters, and 
 I hope as you won't never go back to your Cinderella- 
 rags no more !" 
 
 He extended his paw, graciously and languidly, to 
 them all, accompanied by a little, low, tremulous whine, 
 and quivering of the upper lip ; but his eyes instantly 
 returned to the home of his heart, — his master's 
 face. 
 
 " Poor Tatters, how smart you are with your blue 
 sash ! " said Mary, stooping down to kiss his head, and at 
 the same time to re-arrange the splendours of the bow of 
 ribbon, which the stringent necessities of the liamper 
 had somewhat flattened. 
 
 "Augh," said Mr. Delpops, backing his chair and 
 elongating his right leg, as a preliminary to his departure, 
 " augh — yes — augh ; Lady Naomi was uncommon fond of 
 him, to-be-sure ; no accounting for taste, ladies do some- 
 times like hugly dogs ; ha ! ha ! ha ! " and here he winked 
 at Spriggs, who, pulling up his collar, responded — 
 
 " Can't say, as / avent ad no hexperience him that 
 line," to which Mr. Delpops, assenting with a wave of 
 his hand, added — 
 
 "Augh, yes — it was Lady Naomi as tied that ere 
 ribbon round the daivg's neck." 
 
 "Lady Naomi — who ?" asked Robert Bumpus, anxious 
 to know with whom Tatters had been, and by whom so 
 well taken care of 
 
 " Augh — Lady Naomi De Vere, a daughter of — augh— 
 the Hearl hof Portarjis ; but she's honly a little giirl, 
 about height years hold" 
 
 Mary again hid her face in the forest of Tatters's rough 
 head, and this time, some hot tears mingled with tJie
 
 268 
 
 kisses ; and her husband, who alone perceived them, 
 silent as they were, fondly pressed her hand, thinking 
 they were shed, in tributary regret, over the brief splen- 
 dours of that ''DAY," which every dog is said to have 
 once, and never but once in his life ; so little can men, 
 and, perhaps, more especially husbands, ever trace the 
 source of that Nile of a woman's heart — tears ! which, 
 if often smaller, is also deeper, than they have any idea 
 of. 
 
 ^' Well," said Mr. Delpops, rising, with all the noise a 
 great man's exit or advent, is sure to create in this poor 
 little mole-hill of a world, "well, I must be goin, has 
 her ladyship means to wictimhise me a^i'/i to-night." 
 
 " Stay — Tatters always pays his debts of honour," cried 
 Robert, pulling out five l^right sovereigns and two half- 
 croviais. 
 
 " Augh," cachinnated Mr. Delpops, with an approving- 
 smile, but nevertheless careless look, over his shoulder, 
 at these auriferous effigies of sovereign power, meaning 
 thereby to imply, that — 
 
 A London footman 
 " Could not think of such trifles, you know." 
 
 " But be so good," added Bob, handing him, not exactly 
 our old friend the betting-book, but a new one, of the 
 same dimensions, but far more respectable appearance, 
 " be so good as just to write your name here, for it does 
 not suit my book ever to pay money without taking a 
 receipt for it." 
 
 "Here's the pitch," said Carew, taking a leaden ink- 
 stand off of the mantel-piece, armed with a steel, and a 
 quill pen, and handing it to Mr. Delpops.
 
 OB, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 2G0 
 
 '' Augli," repeated Mr. Delpops, taking the duck-billed 
 steel-pen, and holding it very low down, near the nib, 
 between his knobby, stumpy fingers, which, notwithstand- 
 ing the huge gold-ring, adorned with a shield-shaped 
 tomb-stone in white cornelian, which he wore on his 
 little finger, looked anything but patrician, as with great 
 deliberation (for common people, however ' fast ' they may 
 be in other respects, never write quickly) he inscribed in 
 Robert Bumpus's book, the following curiosity of litera- 
 tiu'e, first, however, pausing to propound his accustomed 
 query of — 
 
 " What name, sir, shall I announce ? " he was going 
 mechanically to ask, for " chassez le naturel il revient au 
 gallop,'' but changed it to that elegant word, so rife in 
 modem hght literature — ''please V 
 
 " Bumpus — Robert Bumpus/' 
 
 "i^ee-ceived hof Mr. Robert Bumpus, the some hof five 
 guineys, for delivering hup to him a skigh tarryei^ dawg, 
 hansering to the name hof Tatters, has haccording to had- 
 vertusment hin Times noosej^aper. 
 
 " N. Delpops, St. Heliers.'' 
 
 " Delpops, St. Hehers ! " repeated the holder of the re- 
 ceipt, reading it over, as the writer, with well-acted 
 nonchalance, transferred the golden equivalent for Tatters 
 to his pocket, and then replied to Bob's look of interro- 
 gation — 
 
 " Augh ! yes ! Augh, it's the way in hour perfession 
 allways to hadd the guvnor's name to hour hown, cause 
 hit lets people know hall about one, without being hat the 
 hexpense of buying that ere book called 'Who is Who,' as 
 you sees so hoften hadvertised. Spriggs, there, 'U tell you 
 that, that's the time of day.'* 
 
 " All right," assented Spriggs, pouring out another glass
 
 270 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 of wine, adding, as lie si2:)ped it, "That's the reglar thing, 
 halways do it myself, when I gives what the gents call 
 my oats-and-chaff, or signeter of my name." 
 
 "You don't mean to say," roared Carew, "that you 
 have the imperence to blow that sou-wester in the Cappen's 
 teeth when you signs for your wages ?" 
 
 " Wages ? we don't understand your sea-slang, Had- 
 miral," rejoined Spriggs, leaning back in his chair, and 
 fanning himself with his napkin, " wot hever the job may 
 be, salary is the sauce as we puts to it." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " re-roared Carew ; adding, as soon as 
 he could speak for laughing, " so I suppose if our black 
 lubber of a cook, who was paid off yesterday, because he 
 says he is going to be married to a ' widdy,' had lived with 
 the Cappen, he'd be for blackening the register with 
 Tiberius Caesar Mornington." 
 
 '^ Oh ! niggers is different ; in course, we never meets 
 none of them at White's, or hany of the bother clubs, 
 though as his ludship will tell you, niggers is riz con- 
 siderable, since them there 'merican sore eyes at Staf- 
 ford House, when the quality took nothink whathever in 
 the way of refreshments but Old Tom," said Spriggs, again 
 winking telegraphically at Mr. Delpops, the latter drawing 
 himself up majestically, and putting on his lemon-coloured 
 kid-gloves preparatory to his departure, said, with a 
 deprecatory shrug — 
 
 " Augh ! too true I carriages four deep, ours and ours 
 before they could set down, hand yet this is what they calls 
 aunty-slavery." 
 
 " In course, Huncle Tom's English female relative, as 
 he was come hover to see, and like most old gals, this 
 one too, is all talk." 
 
 " Well my time's up, so good bye," said Mr. Delpops,
 
 OR, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 271 
 
 flourishing his " yellow cowslip," silk pocket-handkerchief, 
 and extending two of his "pale primrose" fingers to 
 Spriggs, after which, making the same murderous bow 
 (with which some months before he had garotted the 
 affections of Miss Felloon) to Mary, Mrs. Kay, and Kuby, 
 whom in his own mind he of course classified as ''the 
 females^' with a Mgage. nod to Bob and Tom Carew, he 
 imdulated out of the room, and shut-to the door, accom- 
 panied by a gTOwl, not loud, but deep, from Tatters, who, 
 without altering the position of his head, as it reclined in 
 a perfect state of canine beatitude on his master's arm, 
 nevertheless jealously followed every movement of Mr. 
 Delpops, with eyes that flashed like two revolving balls of 
 fire, varying alternately from topaz to green. 
 
 Carew rose and walked to the window, to watch him, 
 as he exj)ressed it, "weigh anchor," accompanying the 
 cabman's efforts to gather uj) the reins from his high perch 
 at the back, with " reef the main topsail. Put her about, 
 lay her head to the wind," and similar superfluous orders. 
 No sooner had the Hansom fairly driven off, than he l^urst 
 into the following soliloquy : — 
 
 " Now there's a chap, as I should say, would be afeard 
 ever to venter into the country." 
 
 " Why so, Hadmiral ? for fear of tilting the birds' 
 nests hout of the trees, he's so tall, eh ?" inquired 
 Spriggs. 
 
 " No, but for fear of being kicked to death by grass- 
 hoppers. I only know if so be as I was a grasshopper, 
 wouldn't I pitch into him." 
 
 But just as Carew was " suiting the action to the word,'* 
 and indulging in these theoretical gymnastics, at Mr. 
 Delpop's expense, Eastcheap became vocal, with the 
 shrill clamom\s of a street-row, whereupon, Spriggs and.
 
 272 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 the bridegroom joined Rosinscrape in a reconnoitring 
 party at the window. 
 
 '' I'm bless'd," cried Carew, making for the door, fol- 
 lowed by the other two, " if there aint our black rascal, 
 Tiberius Caesar, at fisty-cuffs, with a great strapping 
 fellow that would make two of him, to say nothing of a 
 burning bush of red whiskers, which the short pipe in his 
 mouth seems to have set on fire. " Back your starboard 
 oar — there, and let's board them," added he, putting 
 Spriggs's hand aside from the lock of the door, and 
 making the foremost rush into the street, where they 
 found the game of i^ouge et noir at its height, as the red- 
 haired Hibernian had inflicted such telling blows upon 
 poor Tiberius Caesar's ebony face, that the latter was 
 streaming with the crimson fluid, while his implacable 
 assailant was accompanying his blows, in a rich vernacular, 
 and the contents of a basket of potatoes he had formerly 
 carried on his head, were now all rolling about the 
 pavement. 
 
 " Yer sowl in a bowl, and de bowl, in de Liffey, ye black 
 thafe of a nigger you, I'll tache ye to be putting yer come 
 hither on dacent lily white shaymale women, fit for Solomon 
 in all hish glory, bad cess to ye ; but it's the black hole 
 at Calcuttee ye should be afther, if it's coorting you want ; 
 for Christian vriddies, and walentines, is not for the Ukes 
 o' you, but for yer betthers." 
 
 " Betters be hanged ! you one Irish blackguard, Massa 
 Finerty, you try to blacken me in de eyes of Missy 'Toole." 
 
 " Oh ! listen to the thafe of the world ; blacken ye, 
 what would I do ould Nick's work over again, and blacken 
 ye for, you spalpeen? whin he's finished ye off" as complate 
 as his own kitchen chimbley, and niver spared de sut, (soot) 
 which is as plinty as sin, in his plache."
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 273 
 
 " Hallo ! Snowball, what's the row ?" said Carew, laying 
 his hand on the black Cook's wrist. " I told you you'd 
 be out of the frying-pan into the fire, if you didn't stick 
 to the stewpans, and leave the widows alone," 
 
 " Oh ! Massa Carew, such dam rascal ! as dat ar Irishman, 
 he hab insult me in a manner not fit for de pigs. I pay 
 my distresses to one widdy lady. Missy O'Toole. She hab 
 two of her piccaninnies stolen six month ago. She say 
 she marry wliich eber gemlen find de piccanniny for her. I 
 say Tiberius Caesar am de man. But dis child's back no 
 sooner turn, den dat dam Irish rascal, he call me Tibby ! 
 to make nobody ob me wi' Missy O'Toole, and say Tibby 
 neber find de piccaninnies, and dat Missy O'Toole should 
 take liim, Massa Finerty at once, as he hab carried half de 
 houses in Lunnon on hims back, cause him a bricklayer, 
 and him puU em down again ; but him find de piccanin- 
 nies, but dat Tibby no find dem, and de debil send cook, 
 and great many more insulting ting, dat no gemlen can 
 put up wid." 
 
 " Whisht ! now listen to dat ! divil a word of truth in it 
 but w^hat's a lie, I'll jist make yez sinsible," put in Mr, 
 Finerty, appealing to the trio who had joined them. 
 '* Mishthress O'Toole conshented, more nor three months 
 ago, to become Mishthress Finerty, when dat black fellow 
 comes and puts betune uz, wid no ind of soft sawder and 
 savory dishes, and promishes that if the childer, (a gossoon 
 about siven, and a schlip of a girl about six,) wash above 
 ground, he'd find dem ; and den Mishthress O'Toole, wid de 
 wakeness of a woman, and de winding-tackle of a widdy, 
 shifts her hod of promishes to de oder showlder, and sez 
 she'll marry which iver finds the childer. Dinnis Finerty 
 was not de boy to be afther saying black was de white of 
 her eye to dat, so I guve in, whin she stud out, and I guve 
 
 VOL. I. T
 
 274 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 Bogie dere, me word of honour that if he found the childer, 
 I'd retire into private life intirely, and not meddle wid 
 widdies, or any oder matters, beyant me capacity." 
 
 " Ha ! ha 1 ha ! Massa Finerty's word of honour ; where 
 hab dat fruit been planted ? on what tree does him grow ? 
 cause dis child don't care how high he climb for him ; but 
 oh ! Massa Carew, dem Irish don't call nuffing by same 
 name dat we English do, and vot dey call dere vord ob 
 honour, is vot we niggers call trap ; you only just ax him 
 vot he call dose Irish vegetable pills dat roll all about de 
 pavement, and see if he aint name you nebber heard 
 before." 
 
 "Well, Mr. Finerty," laughed Carew, to humour his 
 sable friend, addressmg Ms Hibernian rival, who was now 
 reposing on his laurels with tightly-folded arms, while he 
 wliiffed vigorously away at the dudeen, or short pipe, that 
 graced one corner of his mouth, "■ what do you call those 
 very useful vegetables that are now strewing the 
 pavement?" 
 
 " We don't call dem at all ; sure we go for dem when 
 we want dem," responded Mr. Finerty, -without removing 
 the pipe from his mouth, and quietly looking askance at 
 the potatoes, with a degree of phlegmatic philosophy, that all 
 Germany might have smoked after in vain." 
 
 While the bystanders were laughing at ^Mr. Dinnis 
 Finerty's most diplomatically, uncompromising reply, 
 which could not have steered clearer of the information 
 required, had it been concocted on the banks of the Neva, 
 and filtered through DoT^Tiing Street, Robert Bumpus 
 began to take a strange interest in the missing scions of 
 the O'Toole family, and drawing Finerty aside, requested 
 to know Mrs. O'Toole's address, as he thought he might be 
 able to give her some clue to her missing babbies.
 
 0_R, A PEESON OF CONSEQUENCE. 275 
 
 " Whi.sh't now, man iilive," said Mr. Finerty, actually 
 withdrawing liis pipe from his mouth, so as to concentrate 
 all his energies into his visual organs, in order to make, if 
 possible, an analytic synopsis of the speaker's motives. 
 
 " Whisht now, man alive, and sure it's not yer come 
 hither on de widdy, ye'd be afther putting on sight, on 
 sane? (unseen,)" 
 
 " Nonsense, my good fellow, J. was only married this 
 morning ; so you may suppose widows are the last things 
 in my thoughts." 
 
 " Married dish morning ? Och ! muscha, but it's yerself 
 dat's a cridet to conjugality, and bearsh up under it like a 
 man ; but sure, as Fader O'Driscoll says, de Lord tempers 
 de wind to de shorn lamb." And here, Mr. Finerty 
 replaced his dudeen at the comer of his mouth, and began 
 intoning with a sly twinkle of inimitable humour in his 
 eye, that (among his class) popular Irish air of 
 
 " The night before Larry was stretched," 
 
 which, having done, and whiffed forth two perfectly 
 Olympian clouds, he once more withdrew the pipe from 
 his mouth, and said — 
 
 " Well, now, look at here ; if itsh any ting about de 
 childer, Patsey and Norah, dat ye can be after bringing to 
 light, and you won't let on, to dat black thafe o'de worald, 
 but will let me tell Judy O'Toole dat I fell in wid a boy 
 who toult me where I could clap me two good-looking eyes 
 on dem, I'll mate ye at hur plache dish very night." 
 
 " I can't to-night," said Bob ; " but at eight to-morrow 
 morning, if that will do? — and you shall have all the 
 honour and glory of the discovery, and so carry off the 
 widow with flying colours from Snowball." 
 
 T 2,
 
 276 THE WOELD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 " Och ! Murder ! Say twelve to-morrow, man alive ! 
 whin I'll be back to dinner ; for I'm obleeged to be out 
 airly in de morning, by raison of soome tops dey ar 
 putting to de chimbleys at Bookingham Palace ; for divel 
 a fat them, English would be able to do a hand's turn, 
 wid-out uz." 
 
 " I can't possibly do that, for I have to leave London 
 by twelve. Say half-past seven, — wiU that do ?" 
 
 " Faix it musht," responded Mr. Finerty, scratching his 
 h-^ad. "And ash Prinche Albert is a riglar brick him- 
 shelf, and knows what shmoking ish — long life to him ! — 
 sure he wont be-groodge the chimbley a shmoke for 
 wancht in a way, any how." 
 
 " Especially," laughed Bob, " if he knew that you wanted 
 to smoke the widow." 
 
 WhUe this, apart, was going on between Messrs. Einerty 
 and Bumpus, Tom Carew was in vain trying to assuage 
 the stormy surges of the Black Sea ; or, in plain English, 
 to calm the conflicting emotions of Mr. Tiberius Csesar 
 Cuffey. 
 
 '' You jus look a-here, Massa Carew," cried the latter, 
 pointing with a quivering finger to a gorgeous set of red 
 cornelian shirt-studs, — two of which now fluttered in the 
 breeze, attached to -the frail tenure of a torn strip of his 
 snow-white calico shirt, " I buy dis fine fashionable stud, 
 tc pay my distresses to Missy O'Toole ; and that dam brick- 
 bat dere, he tear em all to pieces out ob spite, because 
 Missy O'Toole is a woman ob tase, and prefer gemlen like 
 me, wid dark hair, to him dam kitchen-fire whisker." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! WeU, all's fair in love and war, you 
 know, Cuffey ; and you must allow the kitchen fire to 
 smoke away, and look black, when the cook has put it out 
 so confoundedly. vSo never mind youi' studding-sail, or
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 277 
 
 his flying-jib, but take my advice and hawl up youi* gaff- 
 topsail," added he, picking up the negro's straw-hat, and 
 replacing it on his woolly head. " If you will be such a 
 handsome fellow, and always filibustering after other men's 
 crafts you must expect them to show their letters of mark," 
 
 "Dam! letter of mark, dis," retorted the disconsolate 
 Cufiiey, holding out the fragment of his dilapidated gar- 
 ment, gemmed with the trophies of its former splendour. 
 
 " Hold on there, Lily-white ! you should have marlined 
 your ropes-ends better, than to let yon hulk of a Red 
 Rover there, unravel your . designs upon the widow, but 
 as he has, why dress her in colours, Cuffey ; that is, 
 deck her with ribbons, and ply her with ramboose,* and 
 she'll soon strike her flag, to the Tiberius Caesar, or call 
 me a Dutclmian." 
 
 " Oh ! Massa Carew, you am de hero to put heart into 
 de poor lubber, but lub is a terrible ting ! him like de 
 Scotch fiddle, nobody ax him to come, and de more you 
 scratch, and scrape, to get rid of him, de more he 
 won't go." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " re-roared Carew, at the same time, 
 " setting on a few barren spectators." " Don't say that 
 Cuffey," said ; Carew, " or folks will fancy that your court- 
 ship is no go." 
 
 " No, no, Massa Carew, him go well enuff', if it was 
 not for dat dam brick-bat, dat come and build upon him." 
 
 " Where do you hang out, now, Cuffey?" 
 
 " I got very genteel partments close by, in Lub Lane, 
 Ea<5tcheap." 
 
 * A strange compound of rum, sherry, brandy, ale, eggs, 
 milk, and sugar, more odd than agreeable, and more 
 inebriating than either.
 
 278 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 " Love Lane ! well, come ; that's not the long lane that 
 has no turning, however ; for I should say, there was no 
 lane as had so many ! " 
 
 ''You forget Petticoat Lane, Massa Carew." 
 
 " Six of one, and half-a-dozen of the other, Cuffey. But 
 is the Judy O'Toole laid up in dock there, too?" 
 
 "Fie! Massa Carew; what you tinking ob? it's all 
 very well larking wid de gals, but when Tiberius Caesar 
 cruise after Mrs. Cuffey, it must be respecable, and 
 genteel. I assure you, she live more den mile-and-a-half 
 from Lub Lane, and when I return home dis afternoon, 
 from taking Missy O'Toole a goose pie, which I did not 
 wait to be tank for, but just leave instead of nosegay, 
 which all very well to look at, but ain't no good to eat ; 
 dat fernal Irishman, he follow me, set on me, and make 
 me into mince-meat like you see. ^ Oh ! but Cuffey make 
 Irish stew ob him before he hab done wid him ! " 
 
 "While accompanying this threat by pantomimically 
 shaking his clenched hand at the Hibernian Lothario, 
 amid the renewed laughter of the mob. Bob, for the 
 third time of asking, inquired Mrs. O'Toole's address. 
 
 " Well, now, look at here, till I thry and make you 
 sensible ; do you know where Greysh Inn Lane is?'' 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, itsh not dere, by raison of Greysh Inn Lane 
 being to the fore, and Judy's plache to the back ; but 
 onecht yer in Greysh Inn Lane, the babby thatsh unborn 
 might find their way, for yuve only to f alley yer nose, as 
 if yer wife wash lading ye by it, and niver draw breath 
 tni ye coome to two coorts, de wan, forenint the oder, 
 weU do you see me, now ? it's not de wan on dish side," 
 added Mr. Finerty holding out his left hand, "but de 
 coort at de lift hand side."
 
 OR, A PEKSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 279 
 
 " Why, man, but that is the left hand side you are 
 pointing to." 
 
 " Whisht ! aisy, now, don't be confushing me ; what 
 head do you tink cud stand it? Sure you'd put out 
 Cocker himself, at the rule of thray ; where wash I ? tear 
 an agers ! but it would pushezzle de Danes. Och ! I 
 ricoUict, well, not de coort here, on your right-hand, but 
 de wan on your lift." 
 
 •* Why, man alive, I tell you that is your left hand." 
 
 "Me lift hand? Lishten to dat now; dish ish me 
 right hand, sure ; eh ? no faix, I blave yer right. No, 
 dish ish me lift hand ; boderation to 'em for hands, but 
 I blave they've been changing arums ; me right hand, me 
 lift ; divil a know, I know which is which ; be jabbers 
 yer right ! dish ish me lift hand, after all ! " 
 
 " Well, never mind ; can't you tell me the name of 
 the court I'm to go to?" suggested Bob in despair. 
 
 " Well, dat bangs Banahor for cuteness ! I'd have bane 
 a moonth of Soondays before dat short cut wud have 
 coome into me head ; an a mighty purty name it ish 
 too, for any boy dat had his wits about him — Fox Coort 
 ish de name of it. WeU, as shoon as you do be in it, 
 make schtraight for number siven ; no nade to tell you 
 which shide itsh on, for sure, which ever shide you find 
 it, will be de right shide. Itsh de top windeys of all, 
 yer to luck for ; an illigant pratee plant run to sade in a 
 flower-pot, wid a beautiful goolden flower to it, that 
 bates labumems and crocuses hollow, for any one that 
 has a fancy for flowers, and a taste for gardening. And 
 beshide dish, dere's a cord streatched acrossh de windey, 
 and (more's de pity) skewered up a horse-back on it, wid 
 wooden pegsh, ish a pair of Kttle corduroy troushers, of 
 poor Patsey's, and a rag of a flannel pitticoat of Norah's ;
 
 280 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 and tlie divil in Connaught wudn't git Judy to take 
 dem down, but dere she sits, lucking at dem as if 
 ivery wind dat blow'd wud blow de childer back into 
 dem, for deresh no hookaback dat iver wash made, can 
 sthand de wear and tear of time, like loove in a 
 mudder's heart. ' Judy mavourneen,' ses I to her times 
 and often, 'but itsh de standard of rebillion you're 
 unfurling agin de decrays of Providence, wid dim rags 
 for iver forenint you?'" 
 
 " Indade, thin Mishter Finerty, (and its Botenay Bay 
 she's sinding me to, whin itsh Mishter Finerty she does 
 be calling me, and divil a Dinnis, for love or money, whin 
 de wind sets dat way.) 
 
 " Indade, din, Mishter Pinerty, I wish ye'd mind yer 
 own business, and lave me to mind mine ; itsh plain, dat 
 barring a broken head, or an empty bottle, you've never 
 had a rale grafe to contind wid." 
 
 " Weirasthrew ! listen to dat now, Mishthress O'Toole, 
 maam ; and you, putting de heart of me on a tridmill of 
 offsh, and onsh, for de lasht sixsh moonths ; but suppose 
 I had what you call a rale grafe itshelf, do you tink. 
 woman alive, dat I'd make a stall-fed ox of a grafe of it, 
 by fading it wid de clover of incooragemint, as you do, 
 from morning to night?" 
 
 " Well, that's very good advice, and such as we gener- 
 ally give to other people, for it's only ciwl -to give the best 
 to our friends," laughed Bob, " but be quick and tell me, 
 my man, how I am to see Mrs. O'Toole ! " 
 
 " How yer to shee her ? why, wid de eyes in yer head, 
 ave coorse, barring ye were a paycock, and wore dem in 
 an opposite direction." 
 
 '■' Nonsense ! I have no time to fool with you any 
 longer ; if you wish me to put her in the way of recover-
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 281 
 
 ing her children, and providing for them too, as I think 
 I can do, tell me at once when, and where, she will see 
 me?" 
 
 " Well I've toiilt ye de coort and de windey ; and whin 
 ye git dere, ye've only to clap your two hands, wan at ache 
 side of your mout, so as to make a sort of spaking troompet, 
 and looking oop at de windey, scrache out at de top of yer 
 voice, Mishthress O'Toole ma'am, are ye below ?" 
 
 ''Below!" 
 
 '■ I mane aboove, sure itsh all de shame ting, wid de 
 differ of de schpashe dat ish betwane de two ; well, afther 
 ye've scrached out her name, jist say, ' becase itsh a jan- 
 tleman from Dinnis Finerty, that has the rale good news 
 for you if yer in it ?'" 
 
 " But when will you see Mrs. O'Toole, to tell her that 
 she may expect me ?" 
 
 . " Whin will I say her is it ? Och ! immajetly, if not 
 sooner." 
 
 " The first will do," smiled Bob ; " so now make haste 
 and pick up your potatoes, and not a word to any one 
 about what I've told you." 
 
 " Niver fare. Fader O'Driscoll himself wudn't get it out 
 o'me, wid purgatoiy on de wan shide, and a man thrap as 
 big as Maynooth on de oder," responded Mr. Finerty, 
 winking his right eye, and patting the side of his nose 
 with the forefinger of his right hand. 
 
 " If you'U take my advice," said Eobert Bumpus, "you'll 
 ask the negTo's pardon, and part friends." 
 
 "Eh ! din what wild I be afther axing pardon o' de 
 loikes of him for ?" 
 
 '' Why, to throw dust in his eyes, and keep him away 
 from Fox Court till after half-past seven to-morrow 
 morning, to be sure."
 
 282 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE; 
 
 " Oh ! be dad, if it's doost ye want, deres not a mudder's 
 son of dem in de city of Loonun dish day, including de 
 Eothschilds, and deir big broder de Bank of England, can 
 coome down wid de dust like Dinnis Finerty ; sure isn't 
 it me thrade man, and boy, dese tirty yare. Och ! murder ! 
 only jist wait till I've killicted de pratees, and am all 
 ready for a scthart, and you'll say de illigant spache I'll 
 make him," 
 
 So saying, he hastily gathered up, and threw the scat- 
 tered potatoes into the basket, and then withdrawing- his 
 pipe from his mouth, and flinging out first one leg, and 
 then the other, like a raw recruit, endeavouring to master 
 the first mysteries of marching, he with two solemn strides, 
 crossed the gutter that was flowing rapidly Thames-ward, 
 and stood flmging back his head, and very broad shoulders, 
 so as to look a model of mock dignity, and real ragamuf- 
 finism, within two paces of the exasperated Cufl'ey, who 
 instantaneously backed four, as if he had been suddenly 
 embraced by a boa constrictor. 
 
 " Ahem 1 Mishter Tibarius Caesar Cooftey, sur, I'm not 
 de boy to bear malice, nor to be aboove owning I'm in de 
 wrong, and derefore I humbly ax yer pardon for de 
 damage I did in de hate ofloove, and madness, jist now, to 
 yer fine chamalion stoods, which are de hoight o' gintility, 
 and to yer linen Mishter Coffeey, sur, (do I blave' itsh only 
 calico) and do I do be a little hasety dat way, itsh over in 
 a moment do you see ; sho if I vash to break ivry bone 
 in your schkin, I'd tink no more of it de next minute." 
 
 " Oh ! de femal coundrel ! I'm sure him wouldn't, Massa 
 Carew," said the dilapidated cook of the Hans Van Kelp, 
 grinding his teeth, and rolling his eyes fearfully, while by 
 way of accompaniment, he shook his clenched fist at his 
 rival, who affecting not even to perceive this hostile pan-
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 288 
 
 tomime, made an artistic pause in liis oration, and then 
 dropping his voice to a tone of mingled pathos and dif- 
 fidence, he added, takmg his five inches of pipe in both 
 hands, so that unhke my uncle Toby, having no widow at 
 hand for the moment, one of his own somewhat more 
 clumsy fingers served as a tobacco stopper. 
 
 " And indeed Mishter Cooffey sur, ash after dat, I'm 
 sure you'd de do shame, I'd be afther axing you a bit of a 
 favour, which ish, dat ash I'm obleeged to be down at 
 Graveshind aU to-moiTOw, you'd act honourable by me, 
 and kape away from de mddy till I do be back ?" 
 
 " Honour ! honourable ! vot you know about honour ? 
 Stuff, nonsense I — moonshine in mourning." 
 
 " Moonshine in mourning ! Och ! but dat's de illigant 
 sight ! wort going any distance to see, by raison of dere 
 bemg noting to be sane." 
 
 " Ah ! dam rascal ! you ready to swear now you seen 
 moonshine in mourning, listen to dat ! good people I 
 dat show you what big liar, dat Finerty am." 
 
 " Well, now, whin dere do be an eclipshe of de moon, 
 sure doeshn't dat take de shine out of her, — and ishn't de 
 moon bames in mourning den ?" 
 
 " Go on ! go on ! you shall not always insult Cuffey 
 wid immunity P' foamed Tiberius Caesar. 
 
 " Inshult you ! Och ! but they may well call ingrati- 
 tude de black sin ! whin I was paying you the ilHgan- 
 test compliment in my own mind. Nayther more, nor 
 less, than that you banged de moon ; for sure ishn't 
 niggerish de eclipshe of de human rashe?" 
 
 The roar with which the mob repaid this speech, so ex- 
 asperated Cuffey, that nothing but Spriggs, and Carew, 
 keeping Jiim back by main force, prevented his springing 
 on him, and eclipsing at least one of Mr. Finerty's eyes ;
 
 284 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 but the latter perceiving he was for that time at least safe 
 from any such retaliation, continued with the most im- 
 perturbable sang-froid, 
 
 " Why thin, indacle, Mishter Tibarius Caesar CoofFey, 
 sur, deyVe got a mighty purty fashion among de quality 
 now, of guving what dey calls tistimonials, — if de parish 
 badle ish active and sphritely, in kaping off de childer 
 from i3laying on de tomb-stones, he'll git a tistimonial of 
 a sthick, or a sthool for a tebackey box, or a moushe-thrap 
 bated wid Bishops' aprons to catch de church mice in. Or, 
 if itsh a boy dat hash taken de plidge, and become a 
 timperenche, — den dey guve him a tistimonial of a wather- 
 ing pot, or a poomp-handle, or some thrifle dat shows 
 respict in dat way. So I'm thinking Mishter Cooffey, 
 sur (do a soon-shade,* wud be more use, on account of your 
 complixion) dat if you dont like de little complimint I 
 paid you about de eclipshe, and you will acchept dish 
 schlip of a dudeen as a tistimonial from me, you can 
 put the eclipshe in it, sure, and schmoke it !" 
 
 Amid the roars of the mob, and the impotent rage of 
 his culinary rival, whom Spriggs, and Carew, were still 
 by main force constraining to keep the peace, Mr. Finerty 
 stuck his rejected pipe in the corner of his hat, hoisted 
 the basket of potatoes on his head, and coolly walked 
 through the crowd, who made way for him, as he sang 
 out — " Ould Blackberries ! who'll buy me ^ ould black- 
 berries ? — a halfpenny a cart-load, ould blackberries !" 
 
 While the mob were still laughing, and following 
 Mr. Finerty with all the honours of the pave, and, of course, 
 to complete the ovation, insulting his rival with a parting 
 jibe of — " I say, Uncle Taum, taters is riz, and niggers is 
 fell ; and there ain't no widders to be ad in the market." 
 
 * Sim-shade, angliee, parasol.
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 285 
 
 Tom Carew, promising to retm'ii immediately to the 
 Boar's Head, oftered his services to escort Tiberius Caesar, 
 to his " veby genteel partments close by, in Lub Lane/' 
 and with great difficulty persuaded him to accept his arm 
 and advice ; the latter consisting of a philosophical in- 
 junction, to eschew that liighly-exciting essence of Grundy, 
 called public opinion !" 
 
 "For," continued he, "you hadn't ought to mind a 
 rope's end, CufFey, what such a set of blackguards say to 
 you. As a man — why Lohr bless you — you ought to be 
 able to kick the whole lot on 'em into the middle of next 
 week ; and as a cook — why, dang it ! my hearty — you ought 
 to be too used to the pot, and the kettle, to mind 'em." 
 
 And with similar never-mind panaceas on the one 
 hand, and appeals to the imperial pride of CufFey's names 
 and nature, on the other, he at length succeeded in leading 
 him quietly away fi'om the field of battle, while Spriggs 
 and Robert Bumpus re-entered the tavern, and gave Mary 
 and Mrs. Ray, a full account of the cause of the fray, of 
 which they had only been eye-witnesses ; and, as Bob was 
 a capital mimic, they were not a little amused at the 
 narration. The pith of the matter, however, he kept to 
 himself ; for he was rejoicing in his own soul, that he had 
 discovered the rightful owner of poor "Orlando and 
 Angelina," and so in rescuing them from the clutches of 
 " Blinking Sal," should not be compelled to take her role of 
 kidnapper, but would in all probability, be able to mount 
 them honestly in the hippodromic career (upon which he 
 had set his heart,) with their mother's full consent ; and he 
 made no doubt of Mr. Finerty's, as in no sphere of life 
 does a gentleman feel particularly defrauded, or mal- 
 treated, if in marrying a widow ; — any, philanthropist en 
 division-of-labour principles, relieves him of her children.
 
 286 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 When Carew rejoined them at tea, instead of adding to 
 their mirth at the poor negro's expense, he seemed a shade 
 more thoughtful. 
 
 " Hallo ! old fellow ; I hope you havn't been and caught 
 the blacks from Tiberius Caesar?" said Bob, slapping him 
 on the shoulder. 
 
 " No — it aint that," replied the latter, stirring his tea 
 with great earnestness, and holding the spoon as perpen- 
 dicularly as if he had been dropping a plummet five hundred 
 fathoms deep. " It aint that — but I think it's a shame to 
 laugh at poor Cuffey, for he spun me another yarn after 
 I got him under hatches — and it seems, as he's really fond 
 of the woman ; and I tell you what, Eobert Bumpus, I 
 have 'travelled the wide world over,' as you know, and 
 I've always found — no matter in what latitude, or at how 
 many, or how few, knots an hour they were going — that 
 Nater always hoists the same flag in every heart ; no odds 
 whether it's a king's, or a nigger's ; and that's a flag, as I 
 for one, will never see insulted." 
 
 " Course not — it's not in natur as you should ; so here's 
 three cheers for the old gal ! " said Spriggs, with a circular 
 wink round the table, which, Carew perceiving, said — 
 
 " And in return, suppose as I gives three cheers more, for a 
 young gal, if I may be so bold as to ask how my pretty 
 cousin Patty gets on, among the dismals down at Morning- 
 ton Manor?'' 
 
 " Oh, ah 1 — yes," rejoined Spriggs, with a forced laugh, 
 shying at the question ; " but you see, Hadmiral, the 
 stables is my department — so I don't know nothink about 
 the unstable department — the petticoats ; but if it's all 
 the same to you, and the rest of the company," added he, 
 springing to his feet, and pushing back his chair, " I vote 
 that we concludes 'the festive scene' and the 'aUs of daz-
 
 OK, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 287 
 
 zlrng light,' and hall that sort of thing, with a game of 
 Blind Man's Buff? for this is unkimmin slow, and I should 
 like to put this little ruby filly here, through all her 
 paces." 
 
 " Ay, ay," laughed Carew, also rising, and clearing 
 away the tables and chairs. " I believe it is all the same 
 game sure enough, for it all depends on whose caught, and 
 whose blinded, but fair play's a jewel ! So let's draw lots 
 who shall be blinded now," and to the infinite delight of 
 Spriggs, the lot fell to the share of Martha Eay, who like 
 a tidy body as she was, tucked the skirt of her Padusay 
 silk through her pocket-hole, as a preliminary measure, 
 while Spriggs adjusted the handkerchief, or as he called 
 it, the blinkers, and then spun the little woman roimd 
 like a teetotimi, with the usual order to catch who she 
 could ? Every one of course getting out of her way, over 
 chairs and tables, and Carew actually clambering up to 
 the high chimney-piece, and comparing himself to 
 
 " The sweet little cherub that sits up aloft," 
 
 with smidry jeux d'esprit from Spriggs, at Marthas 
 deplorable failures in attempting to catch a substitute; 
 but the great event of the evening was a misfortune 
 which befell Fowkes, the waiter, while he was dis- 
 tinguishing himself in what Carew designated the 
 "England expects every man to do his duty line," 
 that is, when ha\dng at eleven o'clock brought in, 
 according to previous orders, a tray of hot negus and 
 strong punch, which he had deposited on the side-board, 
 he was zigzagging his way out of the room, with all the 
 dexterity of an adder, and all the evaporative volatility of 
 a waiter, while roused to additional exertion, by having a 
 solid body actually within her reach at last, Mrs. Bay
 
 288 THE WOKLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 stretched out her hand, and this tinie, clutched not empty 
 air ! but a large handful of Mr. Fowkes's Hyperian locks, 
 which, alas, being like many other conquerors in time of 
 peace, unattached, remained in her hands ! from the fact 
 of his losing his head, as well as his wig, and ducking 
 down, so as to effect his escape vid the underneath portico 
 of a table. At this, the mirth of the clairvoyants became 
 uproarious, more especially, when Martha, squeezing her 
 capillary trophy, with an unnecessary degree of tightness, 
 as it had no intention of emancipating itself from her 
 grasp, exclaimed — 
 
 " Ah ! so I've caught one on ee, at last ! " 
 
 " No, you have only caught it!' said Sptiggs, holding 
 his sides. 
 
 " What do you mean by it ? I tell ee its Tom Carew, 
 I knows by the thickness of the hair." 
 
 "How are you sure it's not me, Spriggs ?" 
 
 " Oh ! cause I couldn't tell you, by the thickness of 
 your hair." 
 
 " No, I suppose it's by the thickness of the head, as 
 you'd know him," laughed Carew. 
 
 " Drat you ! do ee make haste, and untie this here 
 handkitcher, for I'm well nigh stifled?" 
 
 " I'll untie it, Mrs. Eay," said Mary, advancing for that 
 purpose. 
 
 " Thankee, my dear, why whathever ! in the name of 
 wonder 1 have I got here ?" said she, as soon as she 
 recovered her sight ; and it rested upon Fowkes, " abstract 
 and brief chronicle" of the Black Forest, which seemed to 
 have the same effect upon her, as if it had been the head 
 of a Medusa. 
 
 ''Well, I never ! did you ever?" 
 
 And while she was still wondering, and looking in vain
 
 OR, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 2H!) 
 
 for the eclipsed owner of the Art-treasure. Spriggs s ized 
 a glass of punch and holding it in abeyance, said — 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen, — Aving had the honour, arter 
 dinner to-day, to purpose the ealth of the igh contracting 
 parties, Mr. and Mis. Eobert Bumpus, I now beg leave 
 to purpose another toast, vich hif not so hinter^sting, his 
 praps done more brown, Hi hallude to the low retreating 
 party. LadicG hand gemlen, I give you Mr. Jeremiah 
 Fowkes and his vig, an-l like the appy pair whose nup- 
 shalls, we are met this day to celebrate — when hever they 
 parts, may it be honly, to meet agin. Jerry — you dog — 
 there's the hare — new sheer ; and hadd the currant jelly," 
 continued he, wresting the wig from Martha Ray, and 
 flinging it to its owner, who still lay perdu under the table, 
 but who had no sooner regained his lost hair ! than he 
 effected a precipitate retreat on all fours, amid roars of 
 laughter, which had scarcely subsided, when Spriggs 
 hearing a clock strike, looked at his watch, and 
 said — 
 
 " Bless me ! half-past eleven ! and you know at twelve 
 ve're shut hout of that confounded Tower, by the harticles 
 of var ; but I must say, Rosinscrape, has youVe behaved 
 particklar shabby, not to have given us heven von song ; 
 come, tip us a stave afore I go ? — there's a trump." 
 
 " Do, Tom," said the host, " and then we'll all go 
 together." 
 
 " Well, you see I aint got nothing new." 
 
 "If it's true, it can't be new," said Bob. 
 
 " Music !" authoritatively roared Spriggs, as he was in 
 the habit of doing at the theatre, when he honoured the 
 one-shilling-gallery with his presence. 
 
 " Well, mind as you all jines in the chorus," said Carew, 
 
 VOL. L U
 
 290 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE ; 
 
 " This life is like a troubled sea, 
 Where, helm a-weather or a-lea, 
 The ship will neither stay nor wear, 
 But drives — of every rock in fear. 
 
 "All seamanship in vain we try — 
 "We cannot keep her steadily ; 
 But just as fortune's wind should blow, 
 The vessel pitches to, and fro. 
 
 " Yet come but Love on board. 
 Our hearts by him well stored, 
 No storm can overwhelm, 
 Still blows in vain 
 The hurricane, 
 
 "WTiile he is at the helm — 
 "While he is at the helm ! " 
 
 They all joined in the choius. 
 
 The bridegroom, if less loudly, more fervently than any 
 of them, as he pressed Mary's hand ; and even Tatter.s 
 lifted up his voice in assent, intoning the canine " Brin- 
 disi," with which he had for the last month, during his 
 " elevation to the Peerage," been in the habit of accom- 
 panying " Those Evening Bells," the dinner-bells at Clan- 
 haven House ; and, indeed, considering that his master 
 had on that day discovered the "segreto per esser felice** 
 it was the least he could do. 
 
 "When the preparations for departure were finally com- 
 ]:>leted, the landlord, and landlady, appeared, curtse3dng, in 
 the passage, and hoping they were satisfied witYi their 
 entertainment ; while Fowkes, owing more to his recent 
 misfortunes, than to any natural, or acquired diffidence, (for
 
 OE, A PERSON OF CONSEQUENCE. 291 
 
 which, indeed, a London tavern is not the most congenial 
 soil), " fell back to the left," as Gil Bias has it, but not 
 so much out of sight, as to be out of mind, for Mrs. Ray, 
 stepping up to him very " genteelly," (as he afterwards 
 reported to Sally Slocome, the slim scullion of the Boar's 
 Head, to whom he was in the habit of uncorking his feel- 
 ings) presented him, from her own privy purse, with a 
 separate, and gratuitous shilling, saying at the same time — 
 
 " I hmnbly ax your pardon, Jeremiah Fowkes, for 
 making so free with your head just now ; but blind folks, 
 and deaf folks, is pretty well always making mistakes, as 
 you may know by old Dorothy Windsor, yom' aunt 
 Fowkjes's next-door neighbour, down at Field -Fleury, who 
 is deafer nor twenty postesses." 
 
 ''Oh, pray don't never mention it, Mrs. Ray, maam," 
 said Fowkes, pocketing the shilling, as he would have 
 done a whole cloud of affronts, had they existed, and 
 ''turned their silver lining" on him in the same 
 manner. 
 
 " Pooh, pooh," put in Spriggs, energetically brushing 
 his hat with his elbow; "as one of Madam Mornington's 
 ' lambs,' though, he looks pretty sheepish now ; he vos 
 brought hup pious and patient, so he must consider ow 
 much better hoff he is than Habsolem, for ad that hindi- 
 widual, honly ad the good fortin to patronize wigs, he'd 
 niver ave come to sich a huntimely hend. But I must 
 be hoff, or I shall be locked out, that's certain — so 
 good-night, ladies and gemlen in ginral, and Mr. hand 
 Mrs. Robert Bumpus in particlar ; for, Bob, my boy, 
 when once a man's married, or hanged, you know his 
 friends can't do no more for him." 
 
 " Good night ! Heaven bless you both, and fair weather 
 Um the whole voyage," said Carew, shaking both bride
 
 292 THE WORLD AND HIS WIFE. 
 
 and bridegroom cordially by the hand, " I had better jjo 
 on with Spriggs, for the boat is waiting for me at the 
 Tower Stairs." 
 
 " Come, Ruby, let us run on, child, and get the door 
 open, for you looks ready to die with sleep." 
 
 Thus left, the new married pair followed slowly. The 
 night was dark, but the stars were bright ; the street was 
 narrow, but the world was wide ; and yet, all that one of 
 they twain cared to possess in it, then walked beside him, 
 and bounded before him. Could all the Csesars ever have 
 said as much ? And the other? — Oh ! she was a woman, 
 they may not choose, but bear. 
 
 END OF YOL. I. 
 
 GODFREY AND DELiiNY, PRINTERS, 3, SAVOY STREET, STRAND.
 
 ERRATA. 
 
 VOLUME I. 
 
 Page Id, last line, for " o muia " read " omnia." 
 „ 31, line 2, for " meusonge " read " mensonge.' 
 32, line 23, for " Asraodius " read " Asmodens.