JUST A WORD This collection was started as a scrap-book for personal use, but has been revised and expanded to make it suit- able for publication. Obviously very little claim can be made for the originality of the material, as nearly every- thing in the volume was taken from current literature or from suggest.ons furnished by friends and public speakers. I wish especially to express my thanks to the following periodicals which permitted the use of humor from their files: The Literary Digest, New York; The Christian Register, Boston; The Country Gentleman, Philadelphia; Colliers, The National Weekly, New York; The Earth Mover, Aurora, 111.; The Illinois Teacher, Springfield, 111.; The American Legion Monthly, Tsew York; Life, New York; The Pathfinder, Washington, L. C; The Epworth Herald, Chicago; and the Boston Tran- script, Boston. J. Hal Connor INDEX (All references are to joke numbers and not to page numbers) Absent-Mi ided— 98, 212, 277, 303, 351, 379, 452, 490, 537, 553 Advertisin g— 337, 415 Age— 249, 283, 295, 381 Amateur- -266, 471 Anatomy — 347 Appetite— 227, 301, 521, 540 Artist— 125, 323 • Babies— 5, 47, 92, 134, 160, 333, 336, 414, 437, 455, 488, 538, 547 Bald Heads— 79, 130, 405, 598 Bargains— 83, 211, 290, 334, 444 Bills— 339, 419, 473, 509 Board— 142, 153 Boss— 8 Bride— 275. 312, 325 Budget- Business — 324 Butcher— 85, 444 Capital Punishment — 189 Cards— 251 Children— 16, 79, 92, 94, 107, 113, 117, 190, 194, 195, 200, 213, 217, 238, 360, 376, 377, 521, 587 Cigars— 213, 434 College— 319 Convicts— 133, 164, 446 Cocks— 10, 44, 73, 78, 150, 218, 248, 262, 312, 329, 463 Courtesy— 103, 220, 446 ,451 Credit— 225, 315, 486, 548, 599 Curiosity— 23 Damages — 24 Dentist — 154, 554 Diagnosis— 203, 353, 430, 456, 468, 519, 539 Doctor— 20, 48, 52, 86, 99, 134, 139, 151, 167, 172, 270, 409, 411, 430, 470 Economy— 230, 259, 549, (See also Scotch) Editor— 82 Education — 43, 582 Efficiency — 354 Evolution— 138, 206 Excuses — 274 Familiar Quotations— 602, 708 Fat— 102 Father-Son-Daughter— 15, 145, 168, 188, 227, 420, 462, 479, 601 Fighting— ] 8, 34, 252 Fishing— 20, 169, 471 Flattery— .°>08, 310 ,'° s -"~f Flivver— 385 Fortune-Teller — 51 Frankness— 37, 181 191, 192, 197, 292, 229, 286, 299, 389, Golf— 111, 245, 392. 505, 531, 571 Grammar— 114, 533, 584 Gratitude — 496 Groom— 229, 287, 435 Habit— 6 Heaven — 338 Henhouse— 2, 25, 2f9. 293, 442, 482 Hereafter— 39, 138, 141, 361, 397, 406, 489, 545, 563, 567 Hint— 371 Hobo— 147, 342, 329,349 Hotel— 1"3. 481, 541, 578 Husband— 63, 78, 119, 137, 187, 189, 191, 218, 224, 242, 244, 388, 391, 421, 426, 448, 535 555 Identification— 322 Indignant — 314 Inheritance — 9, 62 Insurance; — 232, 461 Irish— 12, 53, 34, 203, 216, 230, 249, 293, 350, 384, 387, 416, 4. f 3, 436, 461 Jew— 96, 97, 180, 2(»7, 241, 259, 324, 330, 447, 593 Judge— 105, 277, 483, 514 Lawyer— 18, 106, 1 "0, 236, 255, 573 Lazy— 158, 528 Liars— 126, 335, 369, 407, 418 Logic— 198, 487 Lovers— 30, 35, 58, 36, 149, 214, 261, 279, 300, 359, 575 Luck— 121 Manners— 320 Matrimony— 1, 21, 31, 38, 58, 55, 81, 91, 95, 100, 136, 163, 18.1, 201, 219, 221, 235, 275, 284 317, 559 Meanness — 332 Minister— 243, 366, Mistaken Identity--J9, 110, 131, 159, 278, 311, 373, 519 Mother-in-Lav— 2S3, 298, 478 Motorist— 17, 32, 1,19, 146, 220, 223, 254, 297, 343, 380, 440, ^98, 501 Mule— 77, 216, 268, 2*0, 599 Negro— 3, 6, 24, 25, 43, 57, 65, 69, 7f>, 77, 91, i04, 121. 122, 155, 158, 161, 171, 186, 197. 215, 233, 257, 280. 282, 289, 301, 309, 31 , 344, 3S6, 467, 495, 512, 514, 536, 517, 564, 588. 594 Newrich— 72, 267 Observation — 146 Office Boy— 245, 326 Old Maid— 59 Orator— 115, 209, 234, 526, 562, 566, 595 Plumber— 550 Poets— 50, 199 Poker— 128, 438, 583 Politics— 196, 263, 264, 276, 285, 400 Popularity — 157 Prayers— 213, 413, 443 Precautions — 156, 175 Proficiency — 49 7 Prohibition— 2, 13, 84, 105, 116, 120, 152, 171, 173, 222, 237, 256, 272, 302, 357, 366, 431, 474, 476, 494, 544 Proposal— 60, 123, 172, 305, 372 ,507, 510, 559 Punishment— 9, 140 • Radio— 13 Real Estate— 367, 493, 568, 591 Reformer — 76 Religion — 495 Reputation — 77, 365 Resolutions — 318 Revenge— 247, 253, 268, 441, 492, 513 Salesman— 80, 29, 105, 132, 135, 354, 439, 569 Saxophone — 307 School— 176, 265, 453, 469, 558 Scientists — 14, 166 Scotch— 33, 40, 61, 71, 101, 141, 185, 232, 331, 375, .394, 406, 529, 574, 580, 600 Servants— 28, 49, 56, 68, 90, 368, 460, 465 Shopping— 231 Slang — 55 Society— 240 Soldier— 42, 69, 126, 157, 387, 425, 467, 495, 524, 525, 536 Sports— 41, 352, 358, 586 Stenographer— 348, 59 Stocks— 306 Stork— 292, c51 Styles— 87, 8), 281, 454, 466, 502 Telephone— 239 Tough— 174, 258, 500, 576 Traffic— 12, 129, 390 Triplets— 333, 363 Truthfulness— 190, 200 Undertaker— 124, 191, 516 Vacations— 33, 45, 74, 304, 464 Waiter— 27, 44 War— 118, 396 Widow— 269, 286, 403 Wife— 51, 54, 63, 74, 95, 100, 108, 177, 184, 228, 252, 260, 262, 294, 302, 346, 362, 370, 378, 398, 428, 458, 485, 503, 512, 522, 530, 563, 565, 571 Writers— 374, 584 JUG O' FUN 1 JOKER IX THE DECK m 2 a " e A" d ! agre j d , that after w * were married I should decide all major questions, and she would decide the minor ones " How has it worked out?" "We have been married three years, and I am grateful to sav therP have been no major questions." 5 ere 2 BOTTLED IN BOND iou^pattn" 1131 ^ ^ *** ° f my ccnstitut -n ?" demanded an anx- The physician cleared his throat diplomatically 3 FASTER THAN FLIES n Jr W °f- l0 rr d mPn 1 _ who had robbed a farmer's henhouse were dis 4 SAY THIS QUICKLY re^^rSi^"^ ^ *"*-" ^ She ~ d -ry di- "wTv-a^^falt^/^ 6 Said -° ? G ,*""* man behind thf counter. nnw w w > faltered the surprised clerk, blushing-, "I'm busy rieht now, but what's your telephone number?" Y g 5 FISH STORY hn?n° b p y i:l dad l0V6S ' : ° *? sh and got a ^ 00d l ™^ when little Billv was ;;Of course. Why not?" asked his mother. Well, he s so small I thought maybe we'd have to put him back." 6 FORCE OF HABIT me^Ttfld you™^ * ^^ ^~^er, why didn't you call thfiv Pi ^ Ca >- Poi ; ter - Ah ' did lady. Ah sho' did. Ah. *ade "Seben thirty, ma'am," and you sade, "Line's busy." ^eben- 7 u SURRENDER "But surely," persisted an indefatigable charity worker "vor n»r>>* S&* ^ JUSt a little t0 the causae. I ask nothing but CTJ clothes.'' ^ ^'^ X ask nothing but your old "Very well, madam," sighed the harassed hou kindly step out of the room while I remove them — 2— 3 THE TYPE CONTRACTORS CRY FOR The foreman had come across Bill slacking and smoking on his job, and spoke his mind thus: "Look here, Bill. This 'er's a contract job, and it ought ter 'ave been finished by now. Jest shove that pipe away an' get on wiv yer work, else t will be the sack for you." "Well," said Bill, deliberately, "yer know Rome wasn't built in a day." ''Don't want none o' yer back answers," said the foreman. He paused and then added, "Side.;, I wasn't the foreman on that job neither." 9 PUNISHMENT There lives an old Negro truck farmer in Alabama who has fre- quent occasion to reprove his children for their lack of industry. "Yo' suttinly is a wuthless son," he declared one day to his oldest "It's a doggone good thing fo' yo' I ain't rich." "What yo' talkin' 'bout, pap ? " asked the youth. "What yo' think yo' do ef yo' was rich?" "Ah'd disinherit yo'— dat's what Ah'd do!" 10 NOTHING SERIOUS Hubby — Say, dear; here's a button in my stew. Wifey — Oh, that must have been a typographical error. The cook- book said "button" plainly enough — but I think now that it was in- tended for "mutton." 11 A BETTER PLACE It was at the mano livers. "Bang!" went the rifles. "Oo " screamed a pretty girl — a nice surprised little scream — as she stepped back right into the arms of a young man. "Oh!" she explained, blushing furiously, "I was so startled by the rifles; I beg your pardon." "Oh, that's perfectly all right," said the young man. "Let's go over and watch the artillery." 12 TRAFFIC LOGIC Boss: "Mike, how did the accident happen?" Mike: "Well, boss, ye see, 'twas like this: I was drivin' me truck up State Street, when I had to stop suddenly, and a fellow in a big Packard crashed into the rear end of me truck. Shure it didn't hurt his machine very much, but he jumped off and ran up to me, and shakin' his phist, said: 'Hey, you little Harp, why didn't you put out your hand?' 'Put out me hard?' says I. 'Ye dang fool, if ye couldn't see the truck, how the devil could ye see me hand?" 13 SHE TUNED HIM OUT Irate Wife (discovering husband on front steps fiddling with door knob): "What are you doing there, Webster?" Husband (continuing to turn knob): "Sshhh! I'm tryin to get Pittsburgh." 14 A COMMON SPECIES An amateur hunter in the Adirondacks had just taken a shot at a moving object he took to be big game, and had sent his guide forward to see what he had brought down. "What is the name of the species?" asked the novice as \he guide returned. "Well, sir," replied the guide suavely, "I've just investigated and he says his name is Smith." — 3— ir THE DIFFERENCE "Th main difference 'twixt me an' my boy Jim/' explained a Kan- sas farmer, "is that when I put in a day at work I don t feel like ronnf™round nights, and when Jim puts in a night runnm' 'round he don't feel much like workin' days.' 16 DID HIS BEST " So that little Brown boy gave you another black eye?" mquired the mother. "That settles it! You must quit playing with him. "Se whiz, ma!" protested the bruised child. "I wasn't playin' with him this time. That kid's got skill!" 17 THE COP KNEW HISTORY? A motorist was stopped by a policeman on account of poor lights "I'll have to take your name, sir." "John Smith," was :he reply. "Don't try that on me, sir," warned the man in blue. I want your proper name and address." . _.. "Then if you must have it, it's Abraham Lincoln, Springfield, Illi- n0 "Thank you, sir,' said the policemai., jotting it down. "Sorry to have troubled you." . . "Don't mention it," said the motorist driving on. 18 ASTUTE CHILD . "Son," asked the lawyer, "what made you behave so nicely today . "Oh, I knew you'd cross-examine me and call in an eyewrsness or two," replied the wise kid. 19 AND THEN— The discharged soldier hastened gladly home to see his wile. Me found her polishing the kitchen stove, and slipped quietly up and put his arms around her. . , .,, "Two quarts of milk and a pint of cream tomorrow, she said with- out looking up. 20 DOSING THE MEDICOS Doctor— How are my 10 patients this morning? Nurse— Nine of them died, Doctor. Doctor— That's funny. I left medicine for 10. 21 LIMITED ETERNITY "Papa," said Little Willie, "This story says: 'They lived happily for- ever after.' How long is forever? r^Mcro it's "It's different in difFerent sections, my son. Here m Chicago it s about three weeks." 22 STUNG! A small bov came hurriedly down the street, and halted breathless- ly in front of a stranger who was walking in the same direction. "Have you lost half a dollar?" he osked. . "Yes, yes, I believe I have!" said the stranger, feeling m his pock- ets. "Have you found one?" , ^ "Oh, no," said the toy, "I just want to find out how many have boon lest today. Yours makes 55," % 23 IT KILLED A CAT Rastus — Where you been? Mose — Lookin' foh work. ' Rastus-Man! Youah cu'osity's gwine git you inter trubble yit! 24 A DAMAGES AND REPAIRS in JT° W Tr °^ ammoth proportions and inky complexion was dal^s'Mrs'l"^ * ** t0 ^^ * c ™*erable amount of S^T^T Said Mrs - Johnson - "What Ah wont wif damages? Ah got enough damages now. What Ah wants is repairs." aamageS ' An 2 ;L, f , r t F OUL PLAY a iud!/p n nf \ /^ t ° 1 th u workho ^ e for chicken stealing?" inquired ;;Yassuh," admitted the prisoner. "Fo' ninety days." "WeU suT dPv y ni h t get ° Ut S 2 S "° n J That was onl y three d ^ s *«o.» we 1, sun, dey put me m a ha'nted cell wiv a ghost so Ah i«q» nacherly suspended mah sentence." ' JCS FISHY fish T Yptw r ^l l Went fi8hing and cau ^toneof those great big nsh--let s see, what is it you call them?" 8 ^Oh, you mean a whale." "No, that couldn't have been it; I was using whales for bait." 2 L U . . OBLIGING "I wflAT T * fit ^° r a /f '" said the ind ignant customer. I will take it away," said the waiter, "and bring you some tkat is." 2 ! w , ... EDUCATION'S SOMETHING FIERCE pro^^fi^™ y ° Ur kSt PlaCe? " ^"^ MrS - GrabC ° in ° f th * "They was too high brow for me," he answered. "They was alwavs fight* and fussin' nd' it kept me busy runnin' from the keyhoTt "to the dictionary so I got mad an' quit." Keynoia to 2 l PAGE THE PORTER Mother, did daddy's name used to be Pullman'?" ^No, dearie, why do you ask?" "Well, I just wondered; I see that name on most of his towels." 30 NO HURRY A pair of bashful lovers, waiting to go home from a happv niffht at a big city park, saw a crowded street car pull up. * Do you think we can squeeze in there?" he asked Don't you think we'd better wait until we get home, dear*?" wa* her embarrassed reply. ' ear ' was 31 NEXT! whtnyou?e^ that ™ *J Skeesix; "Huh! I married one of them," — 5— ** . HELP WANTED -net/SS*— ° Ut fr ° m U " der the dead 33 u TAKING NO CHANCE the W sk X " Ve had a gUfd dlnner f ° r tw aed-saxpence, and Fm na takin' 3 * , , tlj NOTHING TO HIM «£?■•£: a« p 2lS sssr" " sw in wh,d ' "• — ■>■'"«•■ 3 L . .. . UNDER ANOTHER NAME h . m Do you beheve.n fate?" he whispered, as she snuggled eloser to to 'hapten jJSnSJSS* " n0t " MeU '' but * d ° k ™ that what's going 3 Lura CnnlH EUMINA TING LOST MOTION birthdayT ' y ° U SUgg6St SOmethin ^ s « ta We for a girl friend's Clerk— How about these book ends ? the regin-nfng. 4 *" "^ She * lways reads the ends before she does 3 Lt„ , REASSURING w atc.^ t^r^-^r;^ a — butt^unTniL^th^x '"d^ br ° theh WaS *— - *-» las' week, 3 S, t. , VERBOTEN Mr S -pX y: "I^l y T th i nk °l me WhUe ^ »« away?" lute rest" y - " "^ 4 °' de3r ' bUt the doetor -id I nfust have abso- 3 "w ], ,l ,, DOUBTFUL r~2ttJSJS£ £*££$** °" h " -rival, " What „ dJto&ti 3ffi? tHe S6rVant ' "[ Sh ° Uld "<* »*• to say, si, H e 4 Twn w i. u , S , TILL ANOTHER ONE ^t^tZ^^i^^^r^y and had agreed ov^ned an a,ar m clock, but he i^^Z™^ Tr£*£ "Mac," he said, "when the clock g-o^ nff pit ~«± a public telephone. But, for Lord's sak 'be ll UP /5 d ^ ^ on so I can get my nickel back." ' G SURi and don * answer it, 41 STICKLER FOR SPORTMANSHIP She didn't understand football- "Why did they stop that man and knock him down as soon as he touched the ball :" she asked. "Became he was trying to get a goal/' her brother explained. -But isn't the object of the game to get goals? "Yes; but he was-you see, he's on the other side. He was going the wrong- wav — that is, towards the wrong goal. "WeM, I don't see why they should knock him down to tell him that Everybody makes mistakes." 4 2 THE CAUTIOUS VETERAN The flapper whispered that his eyes Were such a perfect blue; She told him that his heart was staunch And kind and brave and true. She raved about his raven hair, His manly form — all that — And said she knew he'd wealth, he looked Such an aristocrat. Just what she sought he never knew; He bolted for the door And veiled: "Farewell— goodnight— good bye— But I've been gassed before!"— Floyd Wagaman. 4 o WELL RAISED A negro mammy had a family of well-behaved boys. One day her mistress asked: "Sally, how do you raise your boys so well I "lh'11 tel you, missus," answered Sally, "Ah raise 'em with a bar- rel stave and Ah raise 'em frequent!" 44 COMIN 'UP Diner— Where's the.'; chicken I ordered an hour a^o?" Waitress— It'll be here soon, sir. The cook hasn't killed it yet, but she's gotten in a coupls of nasty blows. 45 HIS VACATION "How did you spend your week's vacation?" "I spent a day and a half going to a place where I would have noth- ing to do, one day doing nothing, three days with the headache from dofng nothing, and a day and a half getting back to where I could do something." 46 DOUBLE ACTION Little George went with his father to see a young colt. He patted the colt's head and made quite a fuss over it until the owner told I him to be careful that the colt did not turn around and kick him. When he returned home his mother asked him about the colt. "I liked him nretty well," was the reply. "He's very tame in front, but he's awful wild behind." 47 TELL THE BABY n "You'll have to take less strenuous exercise and get more sleep, said the doctor to the dejected man before him. "That's my idea, exactly," said the other. "Would you mind coming up to the house and telling that to the baby?" 48 PATIENTS SHOULD BE PATIENT Patient— Oh, Doctor, if I could only die. Doctor— I'm doing my best for you. —7— 49 POLITICAL COMPLICATIONS Mistress — "How did you happen to leave your last position?" New Maid— "The lady fired me." Mistress — "Ah, she was dissatisfied?" New Maid — "Naw. She was a sore-head. I "run for alderman ag'in her and won." 50 IN SAFE HANDS Poetess — That poem I sent you contained the deepest secrets of my soul. Editor — Have no fear, madam; no-one shall ever find them out through me. 51 DANGEROUS GROUND "If you're not very careful you're going to have trouble with a bru- nette," warned the fortune teller. "Hm," mused the patron. "That's mv wife. What makes you think I'll have trouble with her?" "There's a blonde hair on your coat." 52 THOSE WHO DIDN'T SURVIVE "We doctors," said the pompous surgeon at a dinner party, "have, I am afraid, many enemies in this world." "Oh, but far more in the next," someone was heard to whisper. 53 MADE IT INTERESTING "You are charged with resisting arrest," the judge announced sternly to the red-headed and belligerent prisoner. "Yer Honor," the latter explained, "the officer shouldn't have t'rown temptation in me way by callin' the riot squad." 54 AN INTERESTING OFFER An undersized Italian was married to a strapping German woman. Recertly he received a black hand letter which read, "If you don't give |1000 to our messenger who will call for it Sunday we will kidnap your wife." He replied promptly, "I do not have the $1000, but your proposi- tion interests me greatly." 55 WE'LL TELL THE WOILD Old Gentlemen (ignorant of nationality of his neighbors) — "A de- plorable sign of the times is the way the English language is being polluted b T - the alarming inroads of American slang. Do you not agree?" His Neighbor — "You sure slobbered a bibful, sir" 56 FAIR E CHANGE The maid was leaving and her mistress said to her: "Mary, I should like to give you a good reference, but my conscience compels me to state that you never got the meals ready at the proper time. Now, I wonder how I can put it in a nice way?" "Well, ma'am," retorted the girl, "you can say I got the meals the same as I got my pay." — 8— 57 A CCT ORFUL COMPLIMENT A celebrated white preacher had been engaged to address the con- gregation of a little negro church and was being introduced by the very nervous colored pastor. "Sistern and bredren," he began. "It affords me the extremest oleasuah to introduce de speaker of de evenin". I wants to explain, dat while his skin ain't de same color as de odders heah, I assures you his heart is as black as any of yourn." 58 THE FIRST SHALL BE LAST "My advice," orated the successful business man, "is to work hard •\nd get married." "Y-yes, sir," stammered the nervous beginner, "but ain't your idea kind of vice versa?" 59 ENCOURAGEMENT Stenographer: "Officer, catch that man running down the street, he tried to kiss me." "That' all right, miss," said the cop, soothingly; "there will be an- other along in a minute." 60 A GENTLE HINT They sat silently for a long time; then he spoke a little nervously. 'What aie you thinking about?" he asked. He knew he had to say something. She blushed and moved uneasily in her chair. "Never mind," she an- swered sharply. "It's your business to propose, not mine!" 61 THAT'S DIFFERENT After a salesman had sold a big order of goods to the Scotch buyer for a Ch'cago store, he sought to make the Scot a present of a box of cigars. "I'm*s( rry I canna accept," the Scot said, "but there's a rule of the hoose th£ t ye canna take presents from salesmen." "Well,'' laughed the salesman, "I'll sell them to you for five cents then." "That'.' different now," the canny buyer replied after taking a good snuff at the box. "I can buy my smokes anywhere I please. I'll take four boxes." 61 JUST AS GOOD She said very solemnly, "I cannot marry you because I do not love you. But [ will be your sister." "Good, ' he aswered, with a triumphant smile; "and how much do you think our father will leave us when he dies?" 63 IF NECESSARY "If you had it to do over again, would you marry me dear?" asked Mrs. Nash. "Of course," answered her brute of a husband, " — if I had to do it over again." 64 THE WAY IT'S DONE "Isn't it difficult to keep a budget straight?" asked Mrs. Bulford. "My, dear, it's terrible!" confided Mrs. Wisner. "This month I had to put in four mistakes to make mine balance." —9— 65 READY FOR ACTION A large colored washerwoman was being married, and when it came her turn to answer the questions, the parson said, "Susanna, does you take this yere man to be yo' lawful wedded husban' for better or fo' wuss?" "Jes as he am, Parson, yes as he am. If he gits any better, ah know de good Lord's gwine to take him, and if he gits any wuss, I'll attend to him maself." 66 MORE TO THE POINT Papa — That man Jerry stayed very late last night. Ann — Yes, father, I was showing him my photo album. Papa — Well, the next time he wants to stay so late show him my electric light bills. 67 HER QUALIFICATIONS "Your bid for the construction of twenty miles of concrete sidewalk is under consideration," a city official informed a young woman who had recently gone into the construction business. "May I ask what ex- perience you have had in this line?" "Absolutely the best," answered the fair applicant. "I've been mak- ing hotel beds all my life." 68 THEY FADED, TOO Man (in sarch of his wife) "Bridget, do you know anything of my wife's whereabouts?" Bridget — "Yis, sor, I put them in the wash." 69 HOME SWEET HOME Sambo, who had had several weeks' hard life on a French battle- field, was asked bv an officer, "Where are you from, Sambo?" "Ah's frum Alabama, boss," said Sambo "and if Ah ever gets back there again Ah'll never be frum there no mo', boss." 70 CAN YOU? It's easy enough to be pleasant When life never gives you a frown, But the man worth while Is the man who can smile When his garters are coming down. 71 THE WATCHWORD IS ECONOMY It was known that McSpriggins, the village tightwad, kept his money in an old sock. "I should think," remarked one of his neighbors, "that a careful man like you would keep his money in a bank rather than entrust it to a worn out sock." "What!" g sped McSpriggins. "An' let the sock go to wast ." 72 EVERYTHING TO HARMONIZE Mrs. Newrich was fond of flowers and especially liked the salvia, but was not very reliable in getting names right. She was giving di- rections to her gardener. "On this side of the walk,' she said, "I want you to put out some salivas. Now what would you suggest for the other side?" "Well, madam," answered the gardener solemnly, "maybe it would be a good idea to put some spittoonias there." —10— 73 UNSAVORY The Governor of Arkansas was visiting the State penitentiary. A colored woman inmate who was cooking in the prison kitchen desired an interview with him, which he granted. She asked for a pardon. The Governor asked her: "What's the matter, Auntie — haven't you a nice home here?" "Yessir," she replied, "but I wants out." "Don't they feed you well here?" "Yessir, I gets good victuals; dats not it." "Well, what makes you dissatisfied?" "It's dis way, Guvner: I's jus' dis one 'jection to dis place, and dat's de reputation it's got over de State." 74 A REST "And you are going to take a vacation when your wife does?" "You bet. I'm not going to wash a single dish all the time she's gone." 75 FIFTY— FIFTY A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice. — De copardnership heretofore resisting between Me and Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle with me, and dem what de firm owes will settle with Mose." 76 RIGHT BACK The boy was robbing a bird's nest of its young fledgeling when a woman noticed him. "You wicked boy!" she exclaimed. "How dare you rob the young birds ? What will their poor mother think when she knows you have stolen her brood?" "Better ask her, ma'am!" replied the boy. "I think that's her stuck in your hat!" 77 WEAK ON CURRENT EVENTS Emanuel Jackson, mule tender, appeared one morning on crutches. "Lawsy!" exclaimed a friend. "Ah thought yo' was one o' de bes' mule han'lers in de business." "So Ah is," affirmed Emanuel proudly, "but we done got a mule in dis mo'nin' dat didn't know mah reppitation." 78 A NATURAL MISTAKE A married couple had engaged a cook; she was as pretty as a pic- ture, but her cooking was terrible, and one morning the bacon was burned to such a crisp as to make it wholly inedible. "Dear," said the wife to her husband, "I'm afraid the cook has burned the bacon. You'll have to be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast this morning." "All right," responded the husband, "bring her in." 79 CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE "Uncle," asked the pride of his doting relatives, "are you still growing?" "No, Johnny, why do you ask?" "Cause the top of your head sticks up beyond your hair." —11— 80 ECHO FROM CHRISTMAS At a book store: "Have you any fairy tales?" New Clerk: "Say, lady, you can't kid me. I guess I know fairies ain't got no tails." 81 CONGRATULATIONS A young man who had been wandering about the City Hall for half an hour was getting despondent. " I can't seem to find the marriage license clerk's office," he said aloud. "You're very fortunate, I must say," commented a lounger. 82 INSULT SUPREME The great editor was dying. The physician leaned over him with a stethoscope, listened a few moments and then rose sadly. /Poor man," he announced, "Circulation almost gone." With an effort, the editor lifted his head. "You're a liar!" he proclaimed weakly. "Over four hundred thous- and, and gaining every day." 83 SHOULD GIVE DISCOUNT Mother, to Photographer — How much do you charge for taking pictures of children? Photographer — The price is S12 a dozen. Mother — Can't you allow me some reduction? I have only 11. 84 AND THEY EACH TOOK SPLITS When I was ur> in the mountains once I came onto an old prospector standing outside a cave. He told me he had just found a treasure hid- den inside. "What is it?" I asked. "Quartz?" "Naw," he whispered, "pints." 85 GOOD MEASURE A woman went into her butcher's with a neat brown-paper package, and said sweetly: "I wonder if you would be so kind as to weigh this parcel for me?" "Delighted," replied the butcher; "no touble at all, I assure you. It's a good three and a half pounds." "Thank you," replied the woman; "that packge contains the bones: you sent me in my last week's meat." 86 COSTLY INDIGESTION Anybody who has traveled recently across country will appreciate the remark of the man who was asked, "How's the railroad situation?" and answered, "About the sme. Congestion in the freight-cars and indigestion in the dining-cars. And what is worse," he added, "the price of indigestion is piratically excessive. 87 OR BY THE OUNCE Hardware Clerk — I'd like to borrow a yardstick. Dry Good Clerk — We've nothing but a foot rule. We sell dress goods by the inch. —12— 88 A POOR CATCH The station master, hearing a crash on the platform, rushed out of his room in time to see the express that had just passed through disappearing round the curve and a dishoveled young man sprawled out perfectly flat among a confusion of overturned milk cans and the scattered contents of his traveling bag. "Was he trying to catch the train?" the station master asked of a small boy who stood by, admiring the scene. "He did catch it," said the boy happily, "but it got away again!" 89 AND A FEW YEARS MORE? "Why, it seems only yesterday," said the venerable friend of the family, "that vour daughter was a little girl in short skirts, and now — Here the friend of the family smiled to hide his embarrassment. " — Now she is a full grown lady in shorter ones." 90 NEIGHBORLY COURTESY Mistress — Goodness, Mary, where is the telephone? Mary — Mrs. Brown called across the fence asking if she cculd use it, so I sent it across, but I had an awful task to get it off the wall. 91 WHEN STEADINESS IS GOLDEN "What attracted you to your bride?" asked the judge, after the ceremony. "Well, sah," replied the ebong-hued bridgegroom, "de fust time I seed Dinah she kinder tuk my eye. She was such a likely lookin' woman an' so handy wid herself, but when I larnt dat she was doin' steady washing for seven families, sah, right den an' dar I sur- rendered." 92 MORE THAN LIKELY Jimmie — Father, what is an excavation? Father — An excavation is a place from which dirt has been taken. Jimmie — Is baby's face one, father? 93 STRAIGHT SALARY Friend — So you were in the army, Ikey? Ikey — Oh, yes, I vas in the army. Friend — Did you get a commission ? Ikey — No; only my vages! 94 HORSE FACTORY "Mamma," said a little boy after coming in from a walk, "I've seen a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied; "he had one nearly finished when I saw him; he was just nailing on its back feet." 95 ABSOLUTE ZERO Billy — Pa, don't they call a man's wife his better half? Pa — Yes, son. Billy — Then if a man marries twice there ain't nothing left of him, is there Pa ? —13— 96 THIS WASN'T A HARDWARE STORE Moses — Have you heard about the fire at Jacob's place? Isaac — Yes, the police seem to think it vos an electric light on the first floor and the insurance company think it vos an incandescent light on the ground floor. Moses — Veil, my opinion is that it vos an Israelite in the basement. 9 AND KEEP THE CHANGE (Abe's Children returning home with father) — Fader, ve vant a ride. Abe (hailing bus conductor) — How much for my Abe and Rachel to Commercial road? Conductor — Nothing if they are under five years old. Abe — Right you are. Drop 'em at de bottom of Commercial road. I'll valk. 98 CAN YOU BEAT IT? Absent-minded Professor meeting his son — "Hello, George, how's your father?" 99 IT PAYS TO KEEP COOL Patient — The size of your bill makes my blood boil. Doctor — That will be $20 more for sterilizing your system. 100 NO WONDER "I like to talk to Jenkins; he's such a good listener." "Yes; he's been married ten years." 101 SOUND PHILOSOPHY During the war a militant English crusader making patriotic speeches in Scotland stopped at a farm one evening and found a husky young Scot milking. "And why are you not at the front, my man?" asked the Englishman. "Ah, weel," spoke up Sandy: "There's nae milk at that end." 102 TACTICAL ERROR NO. 2 Judge (to fat lady) — And why did you strike the doctor? Fat Lady — Well, Judge, he examined me and said, "Lady, this ma- lady of yours is very serious; I don't know whether to blast or oper- ate." 103 LADY AND GENTLEMAN A smartly dressed woman was sitting in an omnibus when a quiet looking young man, in getting in, accidentally trod on her dress. She talked to him for ten minutes and wound up by saying: "A gentleman would have apologized." The young man bowed and calmly said: "A lady would have given me a chance." 104 CONTENTMENT? "Dey had to t'row water on Sam Johnson's face at his wife's funer- al," volunteered a recent mourner. "Dasso? He done fainted?" asked a friend. "No. No, indeedly. He's jes' an uncommonly soun' sleeper." —14— 105 THE WRONG MAN A colored gentleman of Tennessee named Joshua, was arrested for selling corn whiskey, and when he was brought up for trial, the judge smilingly asked him: "What is your name?" "Joshua,'* he answered. "You don't happen to be the Joshua that made the sun stand still, are you?" asked the judge. "No sah," replied the colored gentleman, 'Tse de Joshua dat made de moonshine." 106 TOO SIMPLE "Have you made any arrangements about your property in case of your death?" "Oh, I'm leaving all that to my lawyer." "Don't do it, old boy — make him fight for it!" 107 PAGE SENOR VILLA "And now ,Johnny," said the teacher, "can you tell me what is rais- ed in Mexico?" "Aw go on," replied the bright boy, "I know what you want me to say, but ma told me I shouldn't talk rough." 108 SOME DO BOTH Single — Does your wife select your clothes ? Married — No, but she picks the pockets. 109 SOME ORDERS Bill and Sam, salesmen, had worked a small town. Bill, full of optimism, claimed he had taken eleven good orders. Sam, who knew his friend's tendency to brag, and that there were not eleven merchants in the town, said he had secured only two orders — "both from the same man — too." Bill, thinking he had overlooked a bet, excitedly asked, "What! Two?" Sam: "Yes sir — The first order was 'get out of here' and second, 'and don't ever come back'." P0 GUINEAS OR POETS The highbrow ladies of a small town were giving a dinner in honor of an eminent professor, announcement having been made that he would make an address to the society on Keats. The prettiest young lady present was selected for the professor's dinner partner and by way of conversation she remarked: "Professor, I hear you are to entertain us by a talk on Keats." Receiving an affirmative reply, she asked, "Well professor, please tell me, What are Keats?" 111 A FUNDAMENTAL OPERATION Sprague — Do you play golf? Pelsma — Oh dear no; I don't even know how to hold the caddie. 112 PRECISE The proof-reader on a small Middle-Western daily was a woman o£ great precision and extreme propriety. One day a reporter succeeded in getting into type an item about "Willie Brown, the boy who was burned in the West End by a live wire." On the following day the reporter found on his desk a frigid note asking, "Which is the west end of a boy?" It took only an instant to reply — "The end the son sets on, of course." —15— 113 THEY ALL DO Teacher — Surely you know what the word "mirror" means, Tommy. After you've washed, what do you look at to see if your face is clean ? Tommy — The towel, sir! 114 A STICKLER FOR STYLE "Pa," said a young lady to her farmer dad, "I wL.i you \ didn't say 'I seen.' I ^don't know how many times, pa, I've corrected you on that." "Now, Mamie, you look-a-here," said the old man, shoveling a generous piece of peach pie into his mouth with his knife, 'you make yer livin' by good grammar and eddication, but yer ma and me, we're obliged to take in summer boarders, and, by jiminy, they demand the dialect if they pay the rates." 115 A RIOT "Did you notice how I moved the audience last night?" askjd the amateur elocutionist. " 'Moved' isn't the proper name for it," rejoined his critical friend. 'Tt was little short of a stampede." 116 NEXT YEAR— MAY BE "Look here!" bellowed an irate customer in the general store of Four Corners. "You say you wont sell me a shovel unless I get a per- mit from the authorities and sign my name in that book. What's the big idea?" "We ain't takin' chances," answered Proprietor Hoskins firmly. "Gov'ment's mighty keerful these days. You fellers buy a shovel, dig up the ground, plant barley, make it into malt, and there you are. No sir-ree!" 117 KNEW HIS WEBSTER Small Brother — What's a maxim, Tommy? Tommy — Aw, that's somethin' that tells how go d it is to do some- thin' you don't wanter. 118 THE ESSENTIALS "And so you learned French thoroughly while over there, son?" said the proud father of the returned soldier. "Sure! I got so I could say Hello and Good-night and order ham and eggs, and I could ask a fellow to lend me money and tell a girl I loved her better'n anything, and that's all a fellow needs in any language." 119 IT HAPPENS IN EVERY FAMILY The little boy had gone to the railway station to see his father off on a visit. Amid the usual farewells, kisses, and waving of handker- chiefs the train pulled out, and the youngs rer gazed aft?r it until it had disappeared. Presently a locomotive came in sight pulling a train the same length as the one that had taken his father away, and as it entered the station he clapped his hands excitedly. "Mamma!" he shouted. "Here comes the train back again! Daddy forgot something." —16— 120 IN THE OLD DAYS A Swede came down from the woods, and, entering a saloon, asked for a drink of good old squirrel whiskey. The bartender said: "We have no squirrel whiskey, but we've got some good Old Crow." "Oh, Yudas Priest!" said the Swede, "I don't want to f!y; I just want to hop around a little." 121 ODDS TOO GREAT When Mose was searched after his arrest, his pockets produced a time-worn rabbit's foot and a handful of change. Mose looked disgust- edly at his erstwhile good luck charm. Then he counted the change on the sergeant's desk. There was just $13.13. "'S all right," the prisoner said to his rabbit's foot. "You couldn't beat them figures. Lock me up, Mr. Policeman." 122 WONDER IF HE STRUCK "Well, Rastus, I hear you are working again. What business are you engaged in?" "Ise done be engaged in de mining business, sah." "What kind of mining are you doing, gold, silver or diamond?" "Ise doing calsiming, sah." 123 TIMELY RECOVERY He — Will you be my partner — She — Oh, George, this is so sudden! Give me a little time — He (continuing) — for the next dance? She (continuing) — to catch my breath. I haven't recovered from the last fox-trot yet. 124 LIFE'S UPS AND DOWNS Two men, strangers to each other, sat siJe by side in a suburban train. Finally, one turned to the other and became confidential. "I," he said impressively, "am a starter of elevators in a city sky- scraper. When I signal them to go up, they go up. And your line is — ? "I," said the other, "am an undertaker. When I signal them to go down, they go down." 125 LIBERAL AT THAT There had been a fire at the artist's studio, and the insurance agent had called to estimate the damage. "Now, with regard to these can- vases," said the insurance man. "You say they cost about $2.50 each?" "Yes," admitted the artist. "But," he pointed out, "I'd painted on most of them." "Ah!" said the agent thoughtfully. "Then, suppose we say $1.25 each?" 17 126 TWO OF A KIND' Patrick O'Mally, wearing a long face came into the colonel's tent and requested a leave of absence. "Didn't I give you your furlough only two months ago?" asked the colonel. Pat wiped a tear from his eye. "Yis, Colonel, but this morning I received a letter from my home savin' my wife's down with fever an' longin' for the sight o' me 'fore she goes." "See here, O'Mally," blazed the colonel, "I've got it on you this time! I got a letter from your wife yesterday, saying you didn't draw a sob- er breath during your last furlough and asking me not to give you any more. So I guess that ends it." Crestfallen, Pat turned to go. Just before he reached the door he hesitated, then turned. "Colonel." "Yes." "May I say a word?" "Go ahead." "Well, Colonel, I just want to say there are two mighty big liars in this tent. I haven't got any wife," 127 LINGERING KIND IS BETTER Autoist (driving on country road) — If I had run over that chicken then, we could have taken it along and had it for dinner. Friend Wife — Oh, but I shouldn't think a chicken would be good to eat in case of a sudden death like that. 128 KIND TO HIS RELATIVE "Ma, is Mr. Fulhouse very old?" "No, dear; why do you ask?" "I think he must be, 'cause I heard Pa say last night that he raised his ante." 129 COURTESY OF THE ROAD Judge — What did you do when you saw the deceased ? The officer says you neither slowed down nor turned out. Defendant — I took all precautions, your Honor. I blew my horn and cursed him. 130 WHY NOT? A certain lady was bobbing the hair of her 4-year-old daughter's head. After it had been properly trimmed, the little one said: "Mother, what are you going to do with the hair you cut off my head?'' "Why, throw it away, of course," replied the ir ^ther, rather im- patiently. " What did you think I was going to do with it?" "Well, I thought maybe you were going to use it to patch papa's head." —18— 131 BLOWING HIS OWN HORN Shortly after Raymond Hitchcock made his first big hit in New- York, Eddie Foy, who was also playing in town, happened to be pass- ing Daly's Theatre and paused to look at the pictures of Hitchcock and his company that adorned the entrance. Near the pictures was a bill-board covered with laudatory extracts from newspaper criticisms of the show. When Foy had moodily read to the bottom of the list, he turned to an unobtrusive young man who had been watching him out of the cor- ner of his eye. "Say, have you seen this show?" he asked. "Sure," replied the young man. "Any good? How's this guy Hitchcock, anyhow?" "Any good?" repeated the young man, pityingly. "Why, say, he's the best in the business. He's got all these other would-be side-ticklers lashed to the mast. He's a scream. Never laughed so much at any one in all my life." "Is he as good as Foy?" ventured Foy, hopefully. "As good as Foy?" The young man's scorn was superb. "Why, this Hitchcock has got that Foy person looking like a gloom. They're not in the same class. Hithhcock is funny. A man with feelings can't compare them. I'm sorry you asked me; I feel so strongly about it." Eddie looked at him very sternly and then, in hollow tones of the tragedian, he said: "I am Foy." "I know you are," said the young man, cheerfully. "I'm Hitchcock!" 132 ALL WOOL AND— Salesman (showing customer golf stockings) — Surprising value, sir. Worth double the money. Latest pattern, fast colors, holeproof, won't shrink, and it's a good yarn. Customer — Yes, and very well told! 133 HOT SHOT There were two convicts, one in for stealing a watch, the other for stealing a cow. They disliked each other, and their conversation was full of innuendo. Thus, the man who had stolen the cow said to the man who had stolen the watch: "Jim, what time \j> it?" "Milking time, Joe." 134 CHECKING UP The doctor had recei ed a hurry call from the home of tl.e Robeys, who had tht?ir first baby. Arriving the doctor found ihe young father on the doorstep, watch in hand. "What's the trouble?" asked the doctor. "Nothing this time, Doc. My wife just wanted to see how quickly you could get here in case the baby was taken si k suddenly. You made it in four minutes this time." VK THE REPLY DIRECT Salesman (heatedly) — "Don't talk to me that way. I take orders from no man." Branch Manager — "I noticed that on the report of your last trip." —19— 136 COST OF LIVING "Do you think you can manage with my salary of $20 a week, dar- ling?" he asked, after she had said yes. "I'll try, Jack," replied she. "But what will you do?" 137 THE SAFEST TACTICS "William," she whispered to her husband, "I think I hear burglars Are you awake ? " "No," said William. 138 A FORWARD LOOKER Do you believe in the Darwinian theory?" "Haven't boen payin' much a^e^tion ^o it lately," confessed Farmer Corntossel "the way things have been develonin' have got mv mind more stirred up about where we're goin' than where we come from." 139 A MORE VIRTUOUS WAY New Patient — For weeks I've been fighting a terrible desire to kiT myself, doctor. Medico— Tut, tut! New Patient — But I've decided that suicide is a sin; so I've come tf you. 140 ONE WAY OF GETTING EVEN A painful scene was being staged, with Johnny, his father and ? slipper in the principal roles. Father gave voice to the ancient plati- tude. "This hurts me, Johnnv far more than it does you," he said. Johnny gritted his teeth, "Then," he wailed, "keep it up. I can stand it." 141 GOING IT ALONE The old Scotchman had sat dourly through the service and when tho evangelist, after his last and most thrilling exhortation, asked all who wished to go to heaven to put up their hands, he was the only one who kept his down. "WouMn't you like to go to heaven?" asked the evangelist. "Ah. heaven's a' richt," growled the old man, "but I'm na" going with an excur-r-rsion." 142 ONE ON UNCLE JOE Some years ago Joe Cannon took a constituent to dine with him at ?> rather good Washington hotel. It was in the fall, and Uncle Joe ate v^ry heartily of that American edible, Indian corn; in fact, almost his entire dinner consisted of corn. Finally his companion turned to him and said, "Say, Mr. Cannon what does it cost you to board here?" "About five dollars a day," replied Mr. Cannon. "I'll be durned!" drawled the constituent, "ef I don't think it would be cheaper for you to board at a livery stable." 20 143 SOME EDITING NEEDED A movie actor was up before the bar of justice charged with bigamy. "I'll give you one chance to explain yourself," said the judge. "The records clearly show that you married your seci nd wife a month be- fore you were divorced from your first. How about it?" "It's this way. Your Honor," returned the defendant, unperturbed. "In our business we never take the scenes in the order they appear on the screen — sometimes the last scene is taken first. If you'll only let me call up the continuity man at our studio, I'm sure he can straight- en it out." H4 A CAPITAL IDEA "'Yes, my daughter's taking singing lessons abroad." "That's certainly thoughtful of her!" 145 REAL DAYLIGHT SAVING "Is your boy in favor of daylight saving?" "I reckon he is," replied Farmer Corntossel. "If he goes on stayin' out o' nights, pretty soon he won't be usin' any daylight at all." 146 ACUTE OBSERVATION Bystander — Did you get the number of the car that knocked you down, madam ? Victim — No, but the hussy that was dri\ ing it wore a three-piece tweed suit, lined with Canton crepe, and she had on a perwinkle hat, trimmed with artificial cherries. 147 STICKLER FOR ETIQUETTE He was the most down-and-out looking specimen who had applied at the back door of this particular farmhouse for many a year. The house- wife viewed him with disgust. "My goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't believe you've washed for a year." "Just about that," agreed the hobo. "You see, I only washes before I eats." 148 BUT BEAR LESS FRUIT "Bragson talks a great deal about his family tree." "Yes, a family tree is much like other treees; the smallest twigs do the most rustling." 149 OBLIGING A farmer boy and his best girl were seated in a buggy one evening in town, watching the people pass. Near by was a ^op-corn-ver. ier's stand. Presently the lady narked: "My! that pop-corn smells good!" "That's right," said the gallant. "I'll drive up a little closer so you can smell it better." 150 PERMANENCY "It's terrible the way our cook always boils the eggs too hard." "You're lucky. I can't get one to stay with me that long." 151 PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT Doctor (complacently) — "You cough more easily this morning." .Patient (querulously)— "I ought to, I practiced nearly all night." —21— 152 PRECISELY William Jennings Bryan would never tell this story. It's on a "Pus- syfoot" lecturer who was talking in a certain hall one ev(ning on the drink question. "Now, supposing I had a pail of water and a pail of beer on this platform, and then brought on a donkey; which of the two would he take?" "He'd take the water," came a voice from the gallery. "And why would he take the watc?" asked the lecturer. "Be- cause he's an ass," came the reply. 153 PROCESS OF ELIMINATION The train was approaching Bumville. "Say," a passenger accosted his neighbor, "do you know Bumville well?" "Yes, sir. Very well. I come here at least twice a year.' 7 "Well, what hotel woull you recommend?" "Try the Lit erty hotel." "Do you always stop there?" "No, but I have stopped at all the others." 154 A LITTLE? Dentist (to his pastor) — After your wonderful sermon last Sunday on "The Beauty of Truth," I cannot tell a lie Er — this is going to hurt. 155 AFRICAN DOMINOES The total lack of comprehension between the American negro and his Algerian brother will go down in history as one of the outstanding features of the war. A dusky stevedore at Brest met one of the colored French troops on duty there and laboriously the Yank tried to estab- lish some means of linguistic communication. Finally a brilliant thought struck the boy from Geo'gia. He produced a pair of ivory cubes and rolled them enticingly under the Algerian's nose. Intelligence still registered zero. "Man," said Sam, in disgust, "You ain't no cullud pusson. You ain't no human. You'se ah corpse." 156 MIGHT BURNEE FINGERS "Mama, may we go down into the garden ? They say there is a comet to be seen tonight." "All right, go down, but don't go to near it." 157 DEMOCRATIC CUSS A recruit from the country stood in the company street and for the first time saw the colonel striding down that thoroughfare. He watched 1 the officer returning the salutes of his hundreds of official inferiors, first to the right, then to the left, till he seemed to wave his arm at every man in sight. "Well," drawled the rookie. "Whoever that guy is he sure is durn popular." 158 TWO FORWARD AND REVERSE A colored working man employed to wash windows at a certain fac- tory in Boston was working so moderately that his actions might very well be termed "slow motion." "Why don't you hurry a little more?' demanded his superior. "Boss, Ah has only two speeds and de other am slower than dis one." —22— 13S TOO BAD, BUT TOO LATE Margaret Hughes (to the druggist) — "Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so the oil won't taste?" Druggist — "Certainly, won't you have a glass of soda while waiting?" Margaret drank the soda, and then the druggist askad — "Something else, Miss?" Margaret — "No, just the oil." Druggist — "But you just drank it." Margaret — "Oh! It was for my mother." 160 GOOD ROUGHAGE TOO "For heaven's sake, Lena, what is the baby gnawing on? Isn't it one of my stiff collars?" Don't get excited, darling. The doctor told me to give it starchy things to eat." 161 THE WONDERS OF NATURE As an old colored man was burning dead grass a "wise guy" stopped and said: "You're foolish to do that, Ui.~le Eph, as it will make the meadow as black as you are." ''Don't worry 'bout dat, sah," replied Uncle Eph. "Dat grass will gro^v out and be as green as you is." 162 A BAD PREDICAMENT "I couldn't decide among my beaus, so I told them all to see papa." "Well?" "Now I'm worse off than ever; papa gave his consent to every one of them." 163 OBLIVION Sue — Yes, Anna has renounced the world. Lou — What convent is she in ? Sue — It's nothing like that; she married a college professor. 164 BUT NO WORSE "Would your experience confirm the popular notion that there is a sense of honor among thieves?" said the visitor to the prison chaplin. "Well — no. There may be exceptions," returned the chaplain, "but, generally speaking, I find thieves just about a:: bad as other people." 165 THE LEADER It was the custom of the congregation to repeat the Twenty-third Psalm in concert, and Mrs. Armstrong's habit was to keep about a dozen words ahead all the way through. A stranger was asking one day about Mrs. Armstrong. "Who," he inquired, "was the lady who* was already by the still waters while the rest of us were lying down in green pastures?" —23— 166 A NIGGER IN THE WOODPILE Prof. Matteossian, a noted botanist, gave instructions for a dish of mushrooms, which he had gathered himself, to be cooked for dinner expressly for his wife. The latter, who was particularly fond of them, was highly delighted at her husband's thought on her behalf and thanked him with much gusto. At breakfast next morning he greeted her anxiously. "Sleep all right?'' he inquired. "Splendidly," she answered. "Not sick at all — no pains," he persisted. "Why, of course not, dear," she responded in surprise. "Hurrah then," exclaimed the professor. "I have discovered another species of mushroom that isn't poisonous." 167 A CLOSE CALL "I've been so anxious, dad, to find out whether your operation on Mr. Bullion was successful." "Yes, yes. But I was only in the nick of time." "Oh, so serious as that?" " Serious? I should say so! Another day or two he would have re- covered without it!" 168 GENTLE HINT "Physical culture, father, is perfectly lovely!" exclaimed an enthusi- astic young miss just home from college. "Look! To develop the arms I grasp this rod in both hands and move it slowly from right to left.'' "Well, well," replied dad admiringly, "what won't science discover next? Why, if that rod had straw on the other end, you'd be sweeping." 169 UNPERTURBED The owner of an estate on which there was a lake was annoyed to see a stranger fishing therein. He approached the trespasser and be- gan to abuse him. "This lake," he said, "is privately owned and I stocked it myself. You must go away at once." "Just a minute, sir," said the fisherman calmly. "What did you stock the lake with?" "Trout," was the answer. "And I won't have — " "That's all right, sir," said the trespasser unconcernedly. "I'm fish- ing for pike." 170 READY WITNESS An eye witness to a crime, testifying at the trial, on being asked how far he stood from where the deed was done, answered promptly: "Sixty-three feet, seven inches." "But how," gasped the astonished attorney, "how can you pretend to any such accuracy?" "Why," replied the unperturbed witness, "I thought some darn fool would ask me that question, so I measured it." 171 CURING WITH REVERSE ENGLISH Charlie — I have insomnia; can't sleep a wink. Jim — I know a good remedy: a glass of whisky an hour. Won't put you to sleep but it makes it a pleasure to stay awake?. 172 PURELY PROFESSIONAL "So Clara threw over that young doctor she was going with?" "Yes, and what do you think ? He not only requested her to return his presents, but sent her a bill for forty-seven visits." —24- 173 WRONG DIAGNOSIS Old Lady — You were drunk again last night. You-ve been sleeping with your feet on the pillow. Old Man — Now I understand why I thought my >ead was aching. It was only my corns. 174 HARD BOILED Two negroes were lying behind a packing case on the docks at Brest taking the labor out of the alleged Labor Battalion. Said one boastfully: "Boy, Ah comes fun a tough breed. Mah ole man done cut his nails wif a ax an' brush his teef wif a file." "Huh, ain't so tough. Mah ole man am a plumber and twice a week he done shave hisself with a blow torch." 175 DEFYING CULTURE "Porter," remarked the Massachusetts man, who had a Ghair on the train from Boston to New York, "will you kindly notify me when we have crossed the Massachusetts line?" "Yes, boss. Anything I can get you then?" "No, I have a book I want to read." 176 HISTORY LESSON Teacher (during visit of the school board): "Robert, who signed Magna Charta?" Robert: "Please, mam, twasn't me." Teacher: "Take your seat." Hiram (of the school board): "Call that there boy back. I don't like his manner. I believe he did do it." 177 IN THE INTERVENING AGES Wife (looking at dark growth) — Why didn't you shave? Husband — I did. Wife— When? Husband — Just after you said you were nearly ready. 178 UNCLE KNEW A little boy from Canada, who had never seen a negro, was riding in New York with his uncle when he spied a colored lady. "Uncle, why does that woman black her face?" "She doesn't; that's her natural color." "Is she black like that all over?" "Why, yes," uncle replied. The boy looked up beamingly at his uncle. "Gee, uncle, you know everything, don't you ?" 179 KEPT HIS HEAD Conductor — What are you doing with those towels in your suitcase ? Passenger (with presence of mind) — Oh, they are some I used the last time I was on this train. I had them washed and brought them back. 180 MINISTERIAL REPARTEE Father Kelly and Rabbi Cohen were the best of friends, and they happened to be guests at a banquet one evening at whic\ ham was served. Father Kelly smilingly whispered to Rabbi Cohen: "Rabbi, when you are going to lay aside that old stuff and fat ham?" The Rabbi smiled back and whispered: "At your wedding, Father Kelly." . \Ji {_ —25— 181 WANTED TO BE AGREEABLE A rather deaf woman found herself sitting beside a surgeon. She asked:— "Should I call you Dr. T or Mr. T ?" "Call me what you like, madam," he replied, and added, genially: "Some of my friends call me an old fool." "Ah," she rejoined, not hearing correctly what he had said, but an- xious to be pleasant, "those are the people who know you intimately." 182 VICE VERSA At a Christmas dinner in Washington a well-known professor was called upon to speak. In introducing him the host said to the guests. "You have been giving your attention so far to a turkey stuffed with sage. You are now about to give your attention to a sage stuffed with turkey." 183 ALSO A SUBORDINATE "Fve worked under the same boss for 20 years." "I can beat that — it's my silver wedding anniversary next week!" 184 LOADED WIRE "Ever get shocked talking over the telephone wire during a storm?" "Yes, once. I called up my wife while she was housecleaning to say I'd bring a friend home to dinner." 185 GENEROSITY A friend was showing a Scotsman round his cutlery factory. "Here's a souvenir for you, Mac," he said, when the visit was over, and handed him a pocket-knife. "But," he added, "you'll have to give me a penny for it, so that it cannot cut our friendship." With some reluctance the Scot searched his pockets and at last pro- duced a nickel. "Have ye got change?" he asked, anxiously. "Sorry," replied his friend. "I'm afraid I haven't." Mac thought for a minute. "Then ye can just gie me four more knives," he said. 186 AMENITIES OF THE MOMENT Rastus and Mose were having a heated argument. In reply to some remark of Rastus, Mose said: "Guess I know, niggah! Don't you think I'se got any brains?" "Huh!" Rastus replied. "Niggah, if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow off your hat!" 187 A PROPOS Tombstone Dealer (after several futile suggestions) — How would just a simple "Gone Home" do for an inscription?" The Widow — I guess that will be all right. It was always the last place he ever thought of going. 188 HE KNEW THE TERMS WELL Radiator Manufacturer: If you want to make a hit, my son, you must strike out for yourself. Son: You're mixed in your baseball talk, dad; if you strike c it you can't make a hit. —26— 189 JUSTIFIED IN THIS CASE. Among those summoned to serve on the jury was a woman who wished to be excused. "Well, madam, why don't you wish to serve on the jury?" asked the judge. "I am opposed to capital punishment." "But this is merely a case in which a wife is suing her husband for an accounting. It seems she gave him S500 to pay down on a handsome fur coat and he is alleged to have lost the money at poker." The woman juror spoke up promptly: "I'll serve. Maybe I'm wrong about capital punishment." 190 TRUTHFUL WILLIE Senator Warren G. Harding, of Ohio, remarked at a social gather- ing that some people are past masters in the art of evading an issue, and told the following story as an illustration: Some time since, when little Willie returned home from school he found his fond mother waiting for him with a disturbed expression. "Willie," said she, "did you eat any of those apples that I left in the kitchen cupboard?" "Mamma," replied the youngster with great earnestness, "I have not touched one." "Then," demanded the agitated parent, "how is it that I found four apple cores in your bedroom, and that there is only one r.pple left in the cupboarc ?" "The one in the cupboard, mamma," explained Willie, looking to see if there was clear sailing to the garden gate, "is the one I didn't touch." 191 PROFESSIONAL CANDOR "Do you believe in the survival of the fittest?" "I don't believe in the survival of anybody. I am an undertaker." 192 CRUEL FACTS Hub — It seems to me that you come to the office a good deal more than there is any occasion for. Wife — I cannot help it, dear. Your manners in the office are so much nicer than they are at home that I really enjoy the contrast. 193 REVERSING THE ORDER Wife — John, dear, when I go to Palm Beach I shall dream of you every night. Hub — I'd rather you stayed here and dreamed of Palm Beach. 194 HOW THE FIRE FLIES Little Janet was visiting her cousin in the country and, looking out on the lawn, exclaimed: "Oh, see the stars flyin' awound!" Her wise young cousin Virginia replied: "Those isn't stars; they is bees with 'rectric rights." 195 COOPERATION Father — Well, Willie, I received a note from your teacher today. Willie — Is that so, Pop? Give me a quarter and I won't breathe a word about it to mother. —27— 196 THE INDEPENDENT VOTER A prominent lawyer in a Western city was also considerable of a politician. He had as a client a farmer who often consulted him, not only about matters of law, but also about other things. During a presidential campaign, the farmer became intensely inter- ested in the political situation and read the newspapers omnivorously One day he sauntered into the lawyer's office. "What's the meanih- of this word 'Mugwump?' " he asked, pointing to a newspaper in his hand. "A Mugwump," explained the politician, "is a Republican who votes the Democratic ticket — that is to say, he puts his idea of right and wrong above party affiliations." "Well," exclaimed the farmer, "I should say that he was a nretty good sort of man, shouldn't you?" "Oh, a very superior man," was the reply. "Now," said the farmer, after a moment's reflection, "what would you call a Democrat who voted the Republican ticket?" The politician, much astonished by this suggestion, said with great animation. "Why, sir, I should call him a damned fool." 197 SOMNAMBULISM "Well, Mother Lean, how is your husband today? He went out in the middle of the service." "Yes, sir, he's ageing rapidly — he walks in his sleep now!" 198 TRUE LOGIC "Rastus, what's a alibi?" "Dat's proving dat yoh was at a prayer meetir' whar yoh wasn't in order to show dat yoh wasn't at de crap game whar yoh was." 199 INCREASED CIRCULATION "Why, my dear man, already my poetry is beirg read by twice as many people as before." "Oh, I didn't know you had married." 200 TWO GUILTY "Thomas," said mother, severly, "some one has taken a big piece of ginger-cake out of the pantry." Tommy blushed guiltily. "O, Thomas," she exclaimed, "I didn't think it was in you!" "It ain't all," replied Tommy, "part of it's in Elsie." 201 THE ARBITER "How do you like married life?" "Well, my wife's jast like an umpire. She never thinks I'm safe when I'm out." 202 TALK IS CHEAP "My dear girl," said her mother-in-law, "any woman would be satisfied with what John says he gives you." "So would I," said the young wife. —28— 1 "3 SOMETHING PAINFUL A man was taken ill and his wife hurried him to the hospital. "Has he got pajamas?" said the matron, as she arranged for his admission. "Pajamas?" exclaimed the wife. "I dunno what it is, but he's got an awful pain in the stummick." 204 A VISITOR FROM LONDON The gentleman from London, with a distinctly cockney accent, was catching his first glimpse of New York's skyline from the giant Cunarder. "Look," said his American fellow passenger, pointing to Miss Liber- ty; "New York and Liberty — as American as the bison itself." "Well, my eye!" exploded the Briton. "Do you claim the jolly old bison as your own, too?" "Surely," the Amer.aii replied. "The bison is a species of the American buffalo — " "Ho! Ho!" laughed the Londoner. "If I didn't always thin!: the bison was something to wash your 'ands in!" 205 MEETING THE EMERGENCY A college boy walked into a drug store. "Gimme a bottle of liniment and a bottle of furniture polish." "What in the world are you going to do with that combination?" in- quired the druggist. "Well, my roommate has rheumatism in his legs and one of them is wooden." 206 SWEET MAMMA! "Mamma, am I descended from a monkey?" asked the nephew of an Indianapolis craftman. "I don't know," replied mamma, "I never knew any of your father's people." 207 ADEQUATE INCENTIVE Cohen — How did you rescue your wife from the sea when you can't swim? Isaacs — Ah, Cohen, if you'd seen her throw up hej arms with two $250 bracelets on! 208 JIM'S REMARKS When the report of personal injury sustained by a teamster at the road construction camp came to the main office it -""as turned over as was customary to the boss for his consideration. The blank form provided for reporting accidents was properly filled in as follows: Nature of Accident — Toe crushed. Name of Man — Jixn Kelly. How Caused — Horse steppe.d on his foot. Remarks — You know Jim. The sooner his remarks are forgotten the better for all concerned. 209 UNJUSTIFIED PRECAUTIONS A clergyman was having dinner with a parishioner preceding the afternoon service. He ate very sparingly, explaining that he must not eat too hearty a meal before preaching if he was to do hii^-elf justice in the pulpit. The housewife was unable to attend the service, so when 1 * husband returned she inquired, "And how -was he?" "Oh, well," he i . _ "" d, wearly, "he might as well have et." —29- 210 ! THE ROPEY KIND "Have a cigar?" said the man with the smiling face. "Don't mind if I do," said his friend. "But what's the occasion? Why this lavish display?" "Oh, I've got an addition to the family," was the answer. "You don't say so? Congratulations!" said the other man enthu- siastically, as he put a match to his cigar. After a few puffs he ob- served, "About the fifth child, I should say." 211 PROFITABLE STUTTERING "L-l-look here," said the stutterer at the horse sale, "that's a n-nice horse, my m-m-man. How much d-do you want for it?" The owner looked the animal over lovingly. "And a beauty he is, sir," he urged, "a horse I can thoroughly re- commend. But you must make the offer." "Well," said the stutterer, "I'll g-g-give you f-f-f — "Forty pounds? Done!" said the dealer. "G-good!" closed the stutterer. "I was tr-tryir.- to say f-f-fifty." 212 REMEMBERING WITH A VEIGEANCE The professor's wife had tied a string around her absent-minded husband's finger to remind him to get his hair cut. On his way home to dinner he noticed it. "Ah, yes," he murmured, "I remember," and en- tering the shop he sat down before his favorite barber. "Er — yes, sir," said that artist, a puzzled inquiry in his tone. "Eh, — Oh, yes, cut my hair, please," commanded the absent-minded one. "Why, certainly, sir, if you wish it," said the barber. "But you won't mind my mentioning the fact that I cut it this noon, will you?" 213 BEDTIME RHYMES Tommy had been out playing till he was very tired, and did not feel inclined to say his prayers, but his mother insisted. So Tommy began: "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep-- "If," prompted his mother. Tommy (sleepily) — If he hollers let him go, "Eeny, meeny, miny, mow." 214 BUSINESS FAMILIARITY The Boss — Miss Brown, you have been telep 1 oning for a full half an hour. Stenographer — Excuse me, it was a business conversation. The Boss — That so ? Very well, but please don't address our cus- tomers as "Honey, and "Darling." 215 A LONG WAY TO GO Colored Recruit: "Say, sahjent, lucidate to me de s'nificance ob dis heah numbah which 'pears on mah loomnum lavilleah." Old Timer: "Boy, li&sen to knowledge. Dat's yo' heavenly billet num- bah in case de ole bony gent wid de crooked razoo axdentally un hitches yo' soul from yo' galluses." Colored Recruit: "Hot towel! Sho hopes mah wings fits bettah dan dese cowhide bahges, p'vidin' ah has to propel mahse'f to Numbah 3,250,884 Pah-dise Avenoo." —30— 216 BREAKING IT GENTLY Murphy had been careless in handling the blasting powder in the quarry, and Duffy had been chosen to break the news gently to the widow. "Mrs. Murphy," said he, "isn't it today the fellow calls for the weekly payment for Murphy's life assurance?" "It is," answered Mrs. Murphy. "Well, now a word in your ear," said Duffy. "Sure ye ca.i snap your fingers at the fellow today." 217 HIDDEN PROFITS Jimmy was discovered by his sister industriously smashing all the eggs in the house. "Why, Jimmy," she cried aghast, "what do you mean by breaking all those eggs?" "Well," said Jimmy, "I heard papa saying there was n.ney in eggs these days and I'm trying to find it." 218 IT WAS A PLEASURE Orrin (irritably, to Friend Wife) — Why do you feed every tramp that comes along? T ley never do anything for you? Fannie (who deser res much sympathy) — No, but it is a great satis- faction to me to see a man eat a meal without finding f..ult with the cooking. 219 GOOD FOR A LONG TRIP It is told that a New York couple, just married, loarded a train, and were so absorbed in ( ach other that the bridegroom handed the con- ductor the marriage certificate when he called for tickets. "This is good for a long, weary journey," said the conductor, "but not on the New Haven & Hartford road." 220 NOT SO PARTICULAR Two motorists met in a road too narrow to permit them to pass each other. One of them rose in his car and shouted at the other — "I never back for any fool." The other driver quietly put his car in reverse, backed out, and re- plied: "That's all right. I always do." 221 WHAT MOTHER TAUGHT GLADYS They had plighted their troth and were talking things over. They both decided to be quite unlike other married couples — forbearing and long-suffering and patient with each other. "No!" said the man. "I shall not be like other husbands, who get cross and bang things about if the coffee is cold!" "If you ever did," said the girl sweetly, "I would make it hot for you!" And the man wondered what she meant. 222 SHOULD BUILD GARAGE Thoughtful Friend: "My good man, you had better take the street car home." Illuminated One: "Sh' no ushe! Wife wouldn't let me — hie — keep it in the houshe. 223 IN THE DEAR GLAD DAYS "Why so pensive, dear?" asked his wife. "I'm trying to think what it was I used to worry about before I bought this blamed second-hand flivver," he i Ighed. —31— 224 NOT IN THE MOVEMENT It was married men's night at the revival meeting. "L^t all you husbands who have troubles on your mind stand up," shouted the emotional preacher, at the height of his spasm. Instantly every man in the cl-urch rose to his feet except one. "Ah," exclaimed the preacher, peering out at his lone sitter, who occupied a chair near the door and apart from the others, "you are one in a million. " "It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly, as the rest of the con- gregation turned to gaze suspiciously at him. "I can't get up; I'm paralyzed." 225 TOO MUCH BULK "Do you cash checks?" "Yes, but not yours." "Isn't my face good?" "Yes, but I can't get it in the cash register." 226 AN AFTER-EFFECT OF WAR Kind Old Lady — "Why, you brute! Don't you know better than to abuse a poor mule with a sore foot?" Colored Driver — "He's a awmy mule, ma'am, an' he ain't lame. He's just standing at parade rest." 227 BUSINESS JUDGMENT "Josh," said Farmer Wilkins to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, you'd eat off by yourself instead of with the summer boarders." "Ain't my society good enough for 'em?" "Your society's all right, but your appetite sets a terrible example." 228 UNFORTUNATE BURGLAR "A burglar got into my house about three o'clock this morning when I was on my way home from the club." "Did he get anything?" "He certainly did. The poor fish is in the hospital. My wife thought it was me." 229 AS A LAST RESORT The presumptive bridegroom had brought his presumptive sister-in- law (aged five) a bar of chocolate. "See how good Edwin is," said his fiancee. "He's not only good — he's better!" "Better? How do you mean?" "Well, I heard father tell mother that he was better than nobody!" 230 A CHANCE TO SAVE "So yer brother Mike's got a job as night watchman. He'll save money." "Phwy so?" "Sure, he can shlape all day an' save his board and work all night and save his lodgin". 231 A DARN GOOD REASON Crewe — "Good heavens, how it rains, I feel awfully nnxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella." Drew — "Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter Li some shop." Crewe — "Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious." —32— 232 ABSENT IN AN EMERGENCY An old Scottish farmer was constantly pressed by a local insurance agent to insure his house against fire. To all these entreaties the old man turned a deaf ear, and always replied to the other's cajolings by saying, "Na, na; my hoose is no' gaun on fire, man." But the unexpected happened one night, and the villagers were both amazed and amused at seeing the old fellow running up and down the street, and shouting, "Whaur's that insurance man noo? Whaur's that insurance chap ? It's terrible ye can never find a body when ye're needin' him!" 233 TECHNICAL DEFENSE "Sam Johnson, you've been fightin' again. You'se lost two of yo* front teeth." "No, I ain't, Mammy, honest. I'se got 'em in me pocket." 234 HAD ENOUGH A certain preacher once talked for over an hour on the fo r Greater Prophets, and then, when his exhausted congregation thought he was finishing, he took a long breath, turned a fresh page, and, leaning over the pulpit ,said: "We come now to the more complex question of the Minor Prophets. First, let us assign to them their proper order. Where, brjthern, shall we place Hosea?" An irascible man in a back pew rose, took his hat and stick, and said, as he departed: "Place him here, if you want to, I'm going!" 235 NO OBSTACLE Mother — "I really think you'd be happier if you married a man who has less money." Daughter — "Don't worry, mother; he will have less in a ^sery short time." 236 THE POINT OF VIEW Asker — Is Shyster a good lawyer ? Teller — That all depends. If he is on your side you will admire him as the smartest and most eloquent legal practitioner you ever saw, and if he is on the other side you will despise him as the most unscrupu- lous, lying pettifogger who ever disgraced the bar. 237 BEFORE THE WAR Teetotaler — "Stay, my friend! Do you think that glass of vile filth will quench your thirst?" The Festive Stranger (fervently) — "Good 'eavens, mate! I jolly well 'ope not " 238 SHE WON First Little Girl — "Your papa and mama are not your real parents. They only adopted you." Second Little Girl — "All the better. My parents picked me out; your parents had to take you just as you came." 239 TRY THIS ONE OUT A well-known official of a telephone company was rudely aroused from his slumbers by the ringing of the telephone. After bruising his knee on a chair, he reached the phone. "Hello," he growled. "Are you an official of the telephone company?" asked the voice. "Yes. What can I do for you?" "Tell me," said the voice, "how it feels to get out of bed at two o'clock to answer a wrong number." -33— 240 BRINGING UP FATHER Murphy's daughters were attempting to elevate father's accomplish- ments. Murphy had made a bunch of money in the contracting business and was taking things easy, but once in a while his daughters inveigle! him into some higher plane of entertainment. One night they motored him over to a literary circle at "he home of Mrs. Blith-Melbourne, the President of the Society. "Oh, Mr. Murphy, she exclaimed, I am SO delighted to meet you. I have heard so much about you." "Is that so," said Murphy. "Yes, I am so glad you are with us. I understand you are very well read." "Ye do, do ye," said Murphy. "Oh, Mr. Murphy, have you ever read 'Spencer's Synthetic Philos- ophy'?" "I have not," quoth Murphy, a little louder. "But you have read 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' Mr. Murphy, have you not?" "I have not." "Mr. Murphy, surely you have read 'The Trail of the Lonesome Pine.' " "I have not," almost yelled the contractor. "Well! Will you please tell me, Mr. Murphy, what you have read." " Sure — I have red hair on me chest." 241 VIRTUE REWARDED "I see Goldbaum had a fire last right." "Veil, he's a nice feller; he deserves it." 242 WHY WIVES GO MAD She — "I'll never go anywhere again with you as long as I live." He— "Wh-Why?" She — "You asked Mrs. Smith how her husband was standing the heat and he's been dead two months." 243 WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Owing to the absence through illness of the woman who taught the senior girls' Bible class, the young assistant minister was asked to un dertake the duties for the day. He consented, but before beginning he said, smilingly: — "Now, girls, I want to conduct your class just as your teacher does, so you might tell me what she does first." A short pause, then the answer from a pert miss of 16: "Well, she always kisses us all round!" 244 FRIEND HUSBAND Several club ladies were discussing the virtues of their husbands. "Mr. Bingleton," said one, referring to her life partner, "never drinks and never swears indeed he has no bad habits." "Does he never smoke?" some one asked. "Yes, he likes a good cigar just after he has eaten a good meal, but I suppose on an average, he doesn't smoke more than once a month." Some of the ladies laughed — Mrs. B. wonders why. 245 MINE TOO McCullom — These are my prize golf socks. Jacobs — That so ? McCullom — Yes, hole in one. —34— 246 HE GOT TFE JOB A business man advertised for a boy 'he other night. When he arrived at the office the next morning there were some fifty boys already in line. He opened his desk aid was just about to begin examining the ap- plicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which was scrib- bled: "Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line — but I'm telling you — I'm there with the ^oods." 247 RETRIBUTION Wife (to husband shaving her neck) — Ouch! Oh, Tom, that razor is terrible. Hub — Yes, dear, it's the one you used to sharpen your pencils. I saved it for this purpDse. 248 EXPEDIENCY Friend — "Now, why are you crying?" Bride — "My husband is so evasive. Every time I ask him how he likes my biscuits he tells me I have beartiful eyes." 249 HAS GONE THE LIMIT "Marie says she believes in being you lg while she can." "Oh, Marie has done better than that the past five years. She's been young while she couldn't." 250 DONE AND UNDONE Grocer — "Did that watermelon I sold yen do for the whole family?" Customer — "Very nearly. The doctor s calling yet." 251 WINORLCSE Minnie — I do hate to play cards with a bad loser, don't you? George — Oh, I don't know. I'd rather play with a bad loser than any kind of a winner. 252 THE HUSBANDS OFFENSE A divorce case was in session and a former maid of the family had been called as witness;. "You will admit you overheard a great many quarrels between the defendant and his wife ?" asked the Judge. "Yis, sor, I do." "Tell the Court, if you can," said the Judge, "what he seemed to be doing during these quarrels." "Shure sor," said the maid, "he seem?d to be doin' th' listening." 253 GETTING EVEN Friend wife came into the sitting-room, a determined look in her eyes. "I shall have to punish those children," she began. "What have the lit :le scamps been up to now? asked hubby, looking up from his newspaper. "Why, they've mada a mess of my sewing-room," explained his wife. "Needles, reels of cotton, scissors — everything has teen hidden away in the most unexpected places. It's exasperating." Her husband laid down his paper and smiled. "I did that," he said calmly. "You tided up my desk so beautifully the other day that I thought it only fair to return the compliment. So I tidied up your sew- ing room," —35— 254 EXPERT ADVICE sba\ pire •^unoo eqq. ui SuiaisiA uoeq pt3q Aip airi uio.ii \i]S opin y being questioned as to what kind of time she had. Finally some one said, "I bet you don't even know how to milk a cow." "Bet I do," she said. She was pressed for particulars, and explained: "You take the cow into the barn and give her some breakfast food and water, and .hen you drain her crankcase." 255 BIRDS OF A FEATHER Lawyer — Where were you on the afternoon of the 16th? Defendant — With a couple of my friends. Lawyer — Thieves, probably. Defendant — Yes sir, lawyers both of them. 256 THAT TIRED FEELING "Oh, Mr. Flipperley," she exclaimed, soulfully, "have you ever felt a dim, uneasy sense of oppression as if the mere weight of life wer.-. a burden too heavy to be borne by the chained spirit panting with psychic longing to be freed?" "Why, yes," he responded, "but I thought it was the dandelion wine I made." 257 LICKED Old Gentleman (seeing the small colored boy was having some trou- ble in getting away with the large melon he was trying tc eat) — Too much melon, isn't it Rastus ? Small Colored Boy — No, sir, boss, not enough niggah. 258 PLENTY TOUGH "Black boy, my f avver was so tough dat when dey wante d to harvest apples, he'd go out and look at de trees, and, black boy, dose t/ees would be so 'fraid dat dey would shake de apple? down." "Dat's nuffin', niggah. My f avver was tough. Why, one day whe l it was 98 in de shade, my f avver went out to look at de tiermomt ter. Well, when my f avver looked at dat thermometer de mercury got so scared dat it went down to 20 below zero." 259 CUTTING EXPENSES Father and son went for a stroll one sweltering day. As. they pass 3d a vendor of ice cream the boy turned to his father and sail lovingly. "I vish you'd puy me some ice cream fader. I do feel warm." His father gazed at him for a few seconds in mild surprise, rnd .hen exclaimed: "No, no Ikey, my poy; but I'll tell you vet I'll do. I'll tell you seme ghost stories vot'll make your blood run cold." 260 THE PROBABLE SOURCE Husband — Mary, here's a hair in the pie crust. Wife — Looks like one of yours, John. It must have come off the roll- ing pin t —36— DEPENDS ON CIRCUMSTANCES A young lady recently sent this question to the editcr of a ladies' \ ekly journal: *L o you think it right for a girl to sit in a man's lap, even if she is gaged?" The editor spent some time in thought, ?.nd then answered her as f ( Hows : "Yes; if it were our girl and our lap. Yes, again, if it w.re some oth- t fellow's girl and our lap. But if it were our girl :.~d some other fel- low's lap emphatically no. We do not approve of such frivolity." 21 ? THAT WOULD BE .EMBARASSING Wif ey — John, there is someone in the pa itry and I've just made a pie Hubb^ — Well, it's all right with me as long as he doesn't die in the house. 2( 3 WHAT IS IT ALL FOR? When President Wilson was in New York, at the time of the Second R?d Cross Drive, he mace a moving plea for funds to carry on the v. :>rk of the organizatior, when he appeared before a l*\rge ; dience at tl e Metropolitan Opera House. , In speaking of the sympathy, mutual helpfulness, and comradeship 05 free men, he told a story which he declared was "ridiculous, but w)rth repeating, because it contained a germ of truth." An Indian was enlisted in the army. He returned to the reservation oi; a furlough, and was asked what he thought of it. He replied, "Not much good; too much salute; no much shoot." Then he was asked, "Are ">u going back?" "Yes." "Well, do you know what you are fightiig foi ?" "Yes; me know. Fight to make whole damn world Democratic party.'' 2(4 POLITICAL GENEROSITY "I am very much impressed." remarked 'he personage from abroad. "1 y the extreme genorosity displayed muti ally by the gentlemen who designate themselves as Democrats and Republicans." "I don't quite see where you get that generosity idea," said the si mewhat rugged person. "I am surprised that you should fail to note how industriously es.ch p.-.rty points out to the other exactly wher? it is making its most ser- iois mistakes." 265 THE HEIGHT OF DISCOMFORT Prof, (in biology class) — Now, children, it is hard to realize, but the whale shark has 24,000 teeth set in 80 rows of 300 teeth each. Voice from the rear — Oh, my goodness, wouldn't it be awful if he hj.d pyorrhea ? 2(6 AMATEUR Jimmie: "What did she say when you kissed her last night?" His Friend: "She said I should come on Friday hereafter, as that is amateur's night." 2( 7 HIS CRITERION OF EXCELLENCE Newrich — You've made my tennis court very small. Gardener — It's the regulation size, sir. Newrich — Regulations be hanged. I want the biggest tennis court in the country. -37- 268 A BOOMERANG The husband, who had a ,*reat habit of teasing his wife, was < ut driv.ng in the country with her, when they met a farmer driving a span of n.ules. Just as they were about to pass the farmer's rig the mu.es turned their heads toward the auto and brayed vociferously. Turning to his wife, the husband cuttingly remarked, "Relatives of yours, I suppose?" "Yes," said the wife, sweetly, "by marriage." 269 AVILLIN' The widow of a farmer was being consoled by a neighboring farnnr, who happened to be a widower. "Cheer up, woman," ne said. "Ye re young yet and good-lookin', an' you could soon get another husband." "Oh, no, no," she replied; "who would take me?" "Why, if I had a better pair o' boots on, I'd run away wi' ye mysel'!" said the widower, gallantly. The widow, lifting her face and wiping her eyes, said, earnestly, "I wonder would John's fit you?" 270 A REGULAR CUT-UP "Doctor, I've just received your bill. Could you cut anything off for cash?" "Yes, my dear sir, anything — an arm or a leg, or anything else you may wish removed." 271 NOTHING NEW A stage actor applied at :i movie studio for a part in a screen ph.y. "Are you accustomed to acting without an audience?" asked the pio- ducer. "Yes," said the actor, sacly, "that's what's brought me here." 272 HOME BREW Speaking of white mule, two rustic ;^orts were certainly fliwcr- ing their way home from th? county seat. "Bill," said Kenry, "I wantcha to be very careful, Firs' thing y' have us in a ditch." "Me?" said Bill in astonishment. "Why I thought you was driving.' 4 273 QUEERED A BARGAIN "Look here," shouted the agitated customer, rushing into the drug- store, "you gave me strychnine instead of quinine." "Then that will be 10 cem s more," said the druggist. 274 HE KNEW HIS FATHER A little son of a San Fra icisco plumbing inspector repeatedly ar- rived late at school. One daj' the principal said to him: "Next time you are late I'd like you to bring an excuse from your father. "I don't want to bring an excuse from father," said the boy. "Why not?" "He's no good at them. Mother always finds him out." 275 A PRACTICAL IDEALIST "At last, my angel," said the happy man after he had settled with the minister, "we are really and truly one." "Theoretically, yes," rejoined the Lridc, "but, from a practical stand- point, it will be advisable to order dinner for two." —38— 276 TOUGH LUCK First Politician — "I don't think much of this sufragette business." Sicond Politician — Nether do I. It is liable to get so that ., man will have to buy his wife's vote." 277 NOT A PROFESSOR EITHER C instable — You say the judge is absent-minded? Clerk — Well, in court today he dismissed the prisoner, sentenced the jury, scratched his desk, and hir himself on the head with the gavel. 278 HE WAS PUZZLED "I thank vcu for the flowers yod sent," she said. "Ifn sorry for the words I spoke last night. Your sen( ing me thsse flowers rrade all things right. Will you .-'orgive me?" He forgave her. And as they kissed again beneath the bowers, He wondered who the deuce sent her those flowers. 279 A NEW DISH l young ::ouple had just married and were celebrating their first ev- eni .g together at one of the night cubs in Washington. They had pur- posely seleced a tabic off in a dark corner where they wouldn't be pri'.d upon by meddlesome eyes. The lovers were whispering sweet nothings to each other and imaginec. that they were on some deserted isls id by themselves when a white-aproned servant confronted them. "W.iat would you like to have?" asked the genial waiter. "A honey moon san iwich," replied the young man, nungrily. "What do you mea i by a 'honey-mocn ^andv.icli' V inq..iied the wai ;er. ".fust-lettuce alone, ' said the newlywed. 280 UPON THE LEVEE One who lias often visited in the South tells the following story: Two neg roes we:.e ambling along the streets of Louisville in the days when ele< trie car.:, were an innovation and one of the darkies, on seeing the tro ley whiz by, asked his pal: ",jiow you reckon drt kyar gets along?" " *Vhy, I'l teil you," answered the more sophisticated negro. "De ky ;r gets r.long by dat little wheel dat runs on de wire." " vVell," continued the first darky, lost in wonderment. "Yankees sut- tin". 7 are de mos* wonderful people I ever see. Dey come down here and set de niggers free an' now they've set the mules free, too!" 281 NOT THE VOGUE Hub — You are extravagant. You spend money for unnecessary clothes. Wife — Absurd! Unnecessary clothes are not in fashion. 282 OFF TO POOR START I astus had indulged in a dice game that hr.d ended in a free-for-all cut ing scrgpe. "Why didn't you lun away when you saw trouble com- ing ."' one of Rastus' white acquaintances inquired. "Boss, Ah did run away," asserted Rastus. " Then you didn't run fast enough, I take it," said the acquaintance. "Yes, sah, I done run fast enough too," insisted Rastus. "De trouble was Ah didn't sta't soon enough!" —39— 283 KITTY! "I have always had a presertiment," she said, "that I should die young." "Well, dearie," remarked he:.' woman friend, "you didn't after all, did you?" 284 LOOKING FORWARD They had just become engaged. "I shall love," she cooed, "to share all your griefs and troubles." "But darling," he purred, "I have none." "No," she agreed; "but I mean when we are married." 285 SO MUCH FOR THAT The banker politician summed up his candidacy speech with these words : "The secret of success is thii. Can you earn money and can you save it?" A shabbily-dressed man arose from the rear of the audience and proudly held out a dollar bill. "I can, sir," he shouted proudly. "This is the dollar I got when I voted for you a year ago." 286 A PROPOSITION All through his long illness his wife had been his. devoted nurse. Of- ten he had awakened in the si'.ence of the night to find her sitting by his bedside with soothing draughts and gentle sympathy. Now he was well on the way to recovery. "Mary, I shall never forget it," he told her. "Your sweetness to me through this trying time sha.ll always be like a golden corner in my memory. Why did you do it?" He paused dramatically, hoping to hear a whispered confession that her love was the great motive. Instead, she replied, calmly: "Well, John who wants a widow with four children?" 287 SOMETHING LACKING The worried countenance of the bridegroom at a Highland wedding disturbed the best man. Tiptoeing nervously up the aisle, he whispered: "Why do ye look doonsperrr;ed, Jock? Hae ye lost the ring?" "No," blurted ou the unhappy Jock. "But, mon, I've lost ma enthusi- asm ." 288 CONVINCE HIM "I can't marry him mother. He's an atheist, and doesn't believe there's a hell." "Marrv him, my dear, and between us we'll convince him that he's wrong." 289 STRENGTH OF WILL The defendant, accused of stealing chickens, had been duly examined in court and at the conclusion ;he judge said: "As I understand it, Sam, y >u entered the henhouse and then de- ciding to resist temptation, left it. Is that correct?" "Yassuh, Jedge. Dass about right." "In that case, can you explain how two of the hens were missing?" "It was jes' dis way, Jedge. I took 'em. I reckoned I was entitled to dat many fo' leavin' de res'." —40— 2&0 LOOK FOR BARGAINS Bargain-Hunting Woman to Ticket Agent — What times does the next train leave for the city ? Ticket Agent — At 3:45, madam. Bargain Hunter — Make it 3:15 and I'll take it. 291 , HALF-SOLED "Young man, move that suitcase out of the aisle," said a conductor to a Texas youth on a passenger train. "That ain't no suitcase," replied the youth. "That's my foot." "Well, then, put your foot where it belongs," said the conductor. "If I did," replied the youth, "you wouldn't ride this train for six months." 292 FAST MAIL "How did you come into this country?" "By air." "Flying machine " "No, stork." 293 A HINT Two witnesses were at the Waterford Assizes in a case which con- cerned lcng-continued poultry-stealing. As usual, nothing could be got from them in the way of evidence until the nearly baffied prosecuting counsel asked, in an angry tone of voice: "Will you swear on your soul Pat Murphy, that Phady Holligan lias never to your knowledge stolen chickens?" The responsibility of this was toe much, even for Fat. "Bedad, I would hardly swear by my soul," ht said; "but I do know that if I was a chicken and Phady about I'd roos> high!" 294 THERE IS N'T ANY "I suppose your wife always wants to have the last word." "Not at all, she prefers to keep r ght on talking." 295 VALUABLE EXPERIENCE Both stage ladies were after a job and the booking agent had but one to offer. "Sorry," he said, "It's all I have that's at all suited to either of you and it will have to go to the one with the most experience." "I give up," announced the younger of the two. "It's her part. She dates back to the time when eggs were so cheap the auJier.ce threw 'em at her." 296 BLASPHEMY Gertie — I heard you were out on a joy ride last night. Bertie — It's a lie. None of us were killed or cv n -Vjured. 297 OH, WILLIE, WILLIE! Little Willie had been hearing his father boast t„ his friends of his new car and its abi'ity to take the steepest hills. At thi- Si.aday supper table he suddenly astonished his parents by demanding: "Pa, dees the Lord Almighty own a Trolls-Pierce toe?" "Great Scott, no son. Whatever put that idea into your head?" "Well, at Sunday School we had a hymn that went, 'If I love Him, when I die He will take me home on high.' " 298 DIDN'T LIVE UP TO AGREEMENT Wife — Before you were married you said mother could stay with us • henever she pleased. Husband— Yes, certainly — but she doesn": pl^.-c. —41— 299 CANDID Teacher: "Why should we celebrata Wash ngton's birthday mere than nine?" High I. Q.: "Because he never told a lie." 300 AN EARLY LOVE STO*Y Eve: Adam, darling? Adam: What is it, Eve, dearest? Eve: If you had had but one rib, would you iave given it up for me? 301 HER EMPTY PROGRAM During the course of a social function in Birmingham, Alabama, Miss Matilda Jackson, a guest from a rural community near by, to whom such a functio i was a novelty, was approached by a Mr. Arlington, who inquired with great suavity, "Miss Jackson, is yo' program full?" "Lawdy, no, Mr. Arlington," said the lady; "it takes mo' dan a sand- wich an' two olives J :o fill man program!" 302 PERFECT RESEMBLANCE A slightly hilarious gentleman had mistakenly thrown his arms about a totally strange woman. He hastened to apologize. " 'Scuse me, ma'am," he gasped. "I thought you were m' wife." "Yoi're a fine husband for any woman to lave, you sot!" screamed the lady in a rage. "There, y' see!" ejaculated the gentleman triumphantly. "Y' talk jus' like her too!" 303 HE FORGOT TO REMEMBER Professor — I forgot my umbrella this morning, dear. Wife — How did you come to remember you had forgotten it? Prfessor — Weil, I shouldn't have missed it, dear, only I raised my hand to shut it when it stopped raining. 304 IDEAL Bored Father — "This is just the place for cur picnic. There's a hor- nets' rest, and a bull in the next field, and a brook for the children to fall in,o." 305 IN PLAIN ENGLISt The girl had evaded his persistent proposals of marriage with soft words intended to allay the hurt of hor definii e and inevitable refusal. Exasperated, he turned upon her. "In plain English, will you marry me, or no ?" "Hell, no." she replied. 306 A SAFE MARGIN The stockholder was very ill, and at times dBlirious. In one of his lucid moments he ask^d the nurse, vl.at the List reading had shown his temperature to be. "One hundred and one," replied the nurse. "Good," said the patient, "When it ;rets to 10iy 2 , sell." 307 EFFECTIVE SOLICITATION FOR A WORTHY CAUSE A meek little musician entered the private office of a blunt and busy real estate magnate, and humbly asked: "Sir, would you please con- tribute five dollars to help bury a poor saxophone player?" "Sure," blurted the business man, "here is fifty dollars; go and bury ten of them!" -42— 308 MASCULINE TACT Sylvester: How did you make Miss Brown think you were the finest fe low in t\e world? Chollie: I sent her nineteen beautiful roses on her twenty- seventh birthday. 309 A PERFECT FIT "Liza/' Mrs. Barr shouted down tho back st irs to her colored laundress, "I have a drawerful of good collars that belonged to Mr. Barr; if they will fit your sweetheart he can have them." "Heah dat, sugar?" Liza whispered to her gentleman friend who vras turning "..he wringer. "Whut size does you-all wear?" "Lemne see," was the equally low reply. "Ah wears thutteen, thut- teen 'n half, fo'teen, fo'teen 'n a half, fifteen, fifteen 'n a half, sixteen, sixteen ' i a half, seventeen, eight " "Yas'r.i," Liza shouted back. "Dey'll fit!" 310 PRESENCE OF xMIND The traffic policeman had made a mistake. He had ordered a car to stop whin there was i-eally no reason. The driver, a middle-aged woman, was justly indignant. "Pardon me, madam," said the officer, "but I thought at first you were too young to drive." 311 COINCIDENCE Tobe — "Se hyah, woman! Didn' Ah see yo' kissin' a no-'count piece o' trash las' night?" Liza— "Gwan, Tobe. It was so dark Ah thought it was yo'." Tobe — "Come to think on it, mebbe twas me — wh^t time was dat?" 312 COMPLETELY DEMORALIZED Mrs. Newlywed (indignantly) — I've told you to keep out of the kitchen, Dick. Now see what you've dene — knocked down my cookery book anc. lost my page, and I haven't the faintest idea what I was cooking! 313 THE AWOL The chief engineer mounted to the bridge of the Ark and accosted Skipper Moah. "Sir," he asked, "did you say we have a pair of everything aboard?" "We have." "Wish I coud be sure of it," sighed the C. E. "I can't find my beevee- dees anywhere." 314 HARD ON THE ROAD Mrs. Jones: "Tommy, have you seen Willie Jones?" Tommy: "Yes, mam, and the steam roller man is raising cain." Mrs. Jones: "And why is he raising cain?" Tommy: "The steam roller just ran ever Willie, and some marbles he had in his pocket, dented the new road." 315 TIT FOR TAT "Look here, Jones, this is the fifth time I've had to ask you for that $5 1 lent you!" "But, my dear fellow, think how many times I had to .* sk you be- fore you let me have it!" —43— 316 GARDEN NOTE One morning Brown looked over his garden wall and said to his neighbor. "Look he?e, what are you burying in iiat hole?" "Oh," he said, "I'm just replanting some of my seeds, that's all." "Seeds!" shouted Brown angrily. "It looks mere like one of my hens." "It is! The seeds are inside." 317 FOR EMERGENCY "I want to buy a car," meek Mr. Smitl i inform 3d the salesman bash- fully, as he walked into the big automobJe salesroom. "Ah, yes," replied that energetic youn ; man, "and how large a family have you?" "Er — there are six besides myself.", "We have just the model you want," assertec. the salesman. "A compact litttle roadster wr;h a quick ge ;-away." 318 allon:ce Biggs — "Gonna make any New Year's resolutions?" Jiggs — "Don't need any." Biggs — "Hew come?" Jiggs — "Haven't used the ones I made back ir 1920 yet." 319 FOR HARVARD MEN ONIY "So you're going to Harvard now, Bill old boy! Why didn't you go to Princeton or Yale?" "Well, you see, Earry old thin<£, I had already been to prep school four years." 320 ADVANTAGE OF WEALTH "Mummie, why dDes Unc's John eat off his kni ? e?" asked little Joan. "Hush, dear!" replied mother, in an agonized whisper. "Uncle John is rich erough to eat off the coal shovel if he prefers it." 321 SYSTEM "Are you sure ths train would stop if I pulled the bell-cord?" in- quired a nervous passenger. "Of course it would, " replied the conductor, wl.o was pretty sick of this sort of thing. "The othjr end is tied around :he engineer's neck." 322 SUFFICIENT "This check is doubtless all right,'" said the manager politely, "but have you anything about you by which you couK be identified?" The pretty young thing faltered: "I have a mo e on my left knee." 323 THIS ART! Schram, the artist — I do wish you would watch that child. He has spoilt two of my pictures already. Wife (after anxious scrutiny) — Which two, dear? 324 TRAINING A NEW HARDWARE MAN Mr. Eichenstein returned home from his hardware store and found his wife rocking the baby snd singing, "By-low, baby, by-3ow; by-low, baby, by-low — " "Dot's right, Sarah. You teach him to buy low, and I'll teach him to sell high." —44.— 325 HOW DISAPPOINTING Mrs. Bride — That vaccum cleaner Uncle Bimbo gave me for a wed- ding present is a complete failure. You ought to see all the dirt that has accumulated in my house. Mrs. Nayber — Maybe you don't work it right. Mrs. Bride — Do you have to work it? I thought that as it is run by electricity it wouldn't need anyone to operate it. 326 TEACHING TH E OFFICE BOY Th^ office boy rushed into the boss' office v. ;th his hat on one side of his head and shouted, "Hey, boss! I want to get off to go to the ball game." "William," said the boss, "that is no way to ask. Sit here at the desk and I will show you how." He went from the room and returned with his hat in his hand, say- ing, "Please, Mr. Smith, may I go to the ball game this afternoon?" "Sure," said Billy, "here is 50 cen:s for a ticket." 327 TIME WILL TELL "Is Mrs. Gunn, the defendant, a p:*etty woman?" ' "I c'on't know — the jury is still out." 328 LOBSTERS, ATTENTION The waiter was taking the order of a pretty girl who was accom- panied by a florid middle-aged man "Ard how about the lobster?" tha wai:er inquired. "Oh, he can order whatever he likes." 329 SWEET REVENGE Lady of the House — 1 gave you a piece of pie last week, and you've been sending your friends here ever since. Tranp — You're mistaken, lady. Them was my enemies!" 330 TOO MUCH HASTE Jud ?e Landis was a much feared questiDner when he sat on the Fed- eral Bench at Chicago. Whenever he began to "look through" a wit- ness, he frightened all thoughts of evasion from the witness' mind. One day there appeared before him Abie, who was involved in the burning of his store. "What time did you take out you:* insurance papers, Abie?" asked the Judge. "At 9 o'clock, your Honor," responded Abie. "What time did the fire start?" c.emanded the Judge. "Twelve o'clock," faltered the nervous Abie. "Why the unnecessary delay?" thundered Landis; and in confusion Abie faltered, "Our fire sale ads were not done!" 331 THIS MONTH'S SCOTCH STORY Donald MacTavish lay a-dying. He had been all day about it, and his wife who had watched with patient expectancy since early morn, be- gan to feel the urge of her neglected household duties. "Aweel Don," she said, as she moved the light to the table by his bed, "I must gang along to the kitchen the noo. Ye'll no be takin' yer de- parture afore I come back. But if ye should, ye'll blow oot the candle afore ye dee, will ye ? " 332 A GOOD WORD FOR HIM Hans Schmidt was reputed to be the meanest man in the neighbor- hood. He died. His body was placed in the grave, and according to an old Pennsylvania German custom the people stood around the open grave, waiting for someone to say some good thing about the deceased before filling the grave. After a long wait, Gustave Schulze said: "Well, I can say joost one good thing about Hans; he wasn't always as mean as he was sometimes." 333 A LITTER Murphy had just been presentee, with triplets and was so elated ov- er the event that he called in everybody to see them. Among the vis- itors was Hogan. "An' what do ye think ot that? ' demanded the proud father, point- ing to his row of offsprings. "Well," replied Hogan judically, looking the babies over carefully and pointing at an especially healthy specimen. "I'd be keepin' that 334 SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION Lige — Ah tells yuh, Mose, dat Ah done foun' out de diffunce between de men an' de women at las'. Mose — Go long, Lige; it would take a heap-lot smarter man dan you ter find out dat. But let's henb. whut you got ter say esbout it. Lige — Why, Mose; a man'll gib :£2 fer a $1 thing dat he wants, an' a woman'll gib $1 fer a $2 thing dab she don't want. 335 AS IT HAPPENS They were clustered around one of the machine shop checker player gj'oups on the main floor, the other noon, and one of the onlookers told a story which was both tall ar d wide. The listeners took it in sol- emnly and in silence when up spoke one as having authority: "Do you know what you remind me of?" said he. "No," replied the story teller. "What is it?" "You remind me of a chap who dyes lamb's wool," said the man, "only he's a lamb dyer and you are something that sounds very similiar." 336 HANDY HUSBAND "Hear about Jenks ? He's a somnambulist, you know." "Well?" "He awoke this morning and discovered that he had been walking the floor all night with the baby in his arms." 337 AGED ADVERTISING ADAGE The codfish lays a million eggs While the helpful hen lays one, But the codfish does not cackle To tell what she has done. And so we scorn the codfish coy, But the helpful hen we prize, Which indicates f > thoughtful minds T t pays to advertise, —46— 338 TOO MUCH HAEP Mike and Pat had bsen pals. When Pat died he went to heaven, while Mike went to the other place. One day Pat thougr t he would call Mike v.p to see how he was get- ting along. "Mike how are you getting along down there," said Pat. "0! Not so bad. All I have to do is to put coal into the furnace, and hang out the stars an I moon at night and bring them back ir again in the morning:," said Mike. "Is that all you ha-e to do! ! ! ! You have it much easier by a long ways than I have. Why I have to practice twelve hours a day to learn to play the HARP." 339 BACK UP "I have brought a r ill for your husband. "He has left for the country " "A bill that I want ;o pay " "But he came back ihis morning." 340 NOT GUILTY Mandy — ''Mose, is : t o' sho' yo' didn't marry me fo' mah job?" Mose — "Co'se ah diin't gal! Lawsy, no! Yo* jes' go ahaid an' keep yo' ol' job!" 341 WORTHLESS The door of the hardware shop in Bloody Gulch ovung 'pen and Wild Joe. the worst Dian in tuwn, entered in a stats of indig: ation. "I'm bringm* this g an back." he roared. ''It ain't what you said it was. You told me it vas a six-shooter." "Why, it is a six-sr ooter," protested the dealer. "It ain't. I been sh( otin' all afternoon with i': an' only killed five men!" 342 INTESTINAL FORTITUDE "Thank yo, mam. I never tasted better ft: 3 in my life, mum. Would ye mind giving me tr 2 recipe for a lady 0"v er on the other end of the town what never turr s a poor, hungry mar down?" 343 DOW* WITH THE RICH A Baltimore lawye • received the following letter from a client: "Dear Sir: My boy got struck by an aut: mobile, number 4372 6B. If the owner is rich, sue him at mee. The boy wasn't bruised any, but on your notifying me tfo t you have brought s cat, I will hit him in two or three places with a h? mmer." 344 COURTING A LA MODE Sambo — Mandy, ca 1 I kiss you? Mandy — Piggly Wi^gly. Sambo — What you ill mean ? Mandy — Help yo'se f . 345 HE W IS THE "DOER" "What position did you hold in vour last place?" asked the merchant "I was a doer, sir." "A doer! What's that?" "Well sir, 3 ou see, vhen m employer wanted anvthing done he would tell the cashier, the cashier would tell the bookkeeper, the book- keeper would tell the :lerk and the clerk would tell me?" "And what would happen then?" "Well, sir, as I hadi't anyone to tell it to, I'd do it.'* —47— 346 THAT'S NOT MAYBE Son: "Dad, what does a 'better-half mean?" Dad: "Just what she says." 347 NO S JCH PLACE "Where did the car hit this iran?" asked Lawyer Garner when ques- tioning the attending physician at the trial. "At the junction of the dorsa. and cervical vertebrae," responded the doctor. The foreman of the jury rose in his seat and remarked: "I've lived in this country for upwards of ifty years and I know every crossroad, but I never heard of any such ^lace; I believe it's a made-up case." 348 PROFICIENT Mrs. Campbell — Why did your husband discharge his stenographer? Wasn't she capable?" Mrs. Dennis — Capable of any;hing! 349 SEL F SERVICE "I never feed tramps," the housewife severely informed the pan- handler. "I ain't asking yer ter, lady,' : he whined. "Jest gimme the grub an' I'll feed meself." 350 NOT SO FAR OFF Pat was a stranger to American dishes and had just been introduced to his first order of corn on the cob. After having eagerly devDured the succulent corn, he passed to his hostess the despoiled cob with the nat- ural request: "Will ye please put some more peas on me stick?" 351 APPRECIATIVE "Where is the car?" demanded Mrs. Diggs. "Dear me!" ejaculated Profesisor Diggs. "Did I take the car out?" "You certainly did. You drove it to town." "How odd! I remember now that after I got out I turned around to thank the gentleman who gave me the lift and wondered where he had gone." 352 THE ONLY OPENING "My advice to you," declared the club manager, handing the recruit shortshop his release, "would be to join one of the Twenty Thousand leagues Under the Sea." 353 ANOTHER OPERATION A man, whose wife had gone through several surgical operations, on arriving home one evening, fou?id a note lying on the daily pa .er where he would find it. On reading it, he picked un his hat aril made a hur- ried trip to the hospital. The Superintendent met him, when he said: "Is mv wife in here some place?" Supt.: "No sir; but what reason have you to think she war, here?'* Hubby: "She left a note at liDme for me, saying 'I have gore to have my kimona cut out.' " 354 A REAL SALESMAN Clerk — Here is a remarkable utensil — a can opener, a pan lifter and a tack puller, all in one. Customer — But suppose I want the girl to open a can of soup and my husband to pull some tacks, while I lift the pans on the ,;tove. Clerk — Yery easy. All you have to do is to buy three — anything else? 355 A DREADFUL BLOW "Yes," said the tall m; n, "I have had mam- disappointments, but none stands out like the me that came to me when I was a boy. ,; "Swme terrible shock 1hat fixed itself indelibly in you memory, I suppose?" "Exactly," Sc.id the tall man, "I had crawled under a tent to see the circus and I discovered it was a revival meeting." 35 NO LOAFING ALLOWED. ""You've walked to the end of the room for a drink of water three times in the last half ho ir," roaied the office manager to a new clerk. "We're trying to practice; efficiency in this offhe." "I know," placidly agrsed the clerk, "and I just want to see that we get our money's worth out of that cooler." 357 OLD— E UT RELIABLE "Any rags, any old iron?" cried the shabby old man as he knocked at the door. The owner opened the door. "No, nothing," he saiu. "My wife's away. There's nothing at all fcr you." The old man winked. "Any empty bottles ?" he askec. 358 TH S WAGES OF DEATH A psychic investigator had at last succeeded in getting in touch with a new spirit. "Would it be possible for me to photograph you?" he inquired. "It would, for fifty thousand dollars," returned the spook. "I'm the ghost of a football star." 359 SAFER "Girls were harder to kiss in your day, weren't they, granipa?" "Mebbe, mebbe," ventured the old gentleman, "but il; wasn't so blame dangerous. The old parlor sofa wouldn't smash into a tree about that time." 360 OBEYED INSTRUCTIONS Mother — Were you go )d at the party. Six-Year-Old— Yes. % Mother — You didn't a^k twice for anything at the table? Six-Year-Old — No, I didn't. I asked once, and they didn't hear me, so I helped myself. 361 AS IS At the grave of the departed, the old darky pastor stood, hat in hand. Looking into the abyss l.e delivered himself of the funeral oration. "Samuel Johnson," he said sorrowfully, "you is gone. An' we hopes you is gone where we 'specks ycu ain't." 362 A CURE Smiff was always com olaining of his wife's memory. "She can never remember anything," he said, "It's awful!" "My wife v,as just as bad/' said Bjones, "till I found a capital recipe." "What was it?" asked Smiff, eagerly. "Why," said Bjones, ' whenever there's anything particular I want her to remember, I write it on .. slin of paper and keep it in my trous- ers pocket." —49— 363 YES, INDEED "The more a man has the more he wants," said the fat man. "You wait until you have triplets in the house and 3 - u'll change your mind", replied the thin man. 364 EVIDENCE "I always do the little things well," announce 1 the lunch counter clerk. "I see," nodded the customer. "So that's how you got this job mak- ing sandwiches." 365 NEIGHBORLY LOVE Visitor — Wht sort of a man is that fellow J. Oyley Gouge; can I re- ly on what he says ? Native — I don't want to say anything against one of my neighbors, but my idea of him is that he would make a first-class stranger. 366 WELL, DID THEY? With the minister's assistance, a prohibition agent managed to round up a good share of home brew in the town of 0- , and as an exemplary rebuke, dumped all into the river. The next day at church the minister waxed so eloquent tellling about the big liquor clean-up that he forgot which hymn was to be sung at the close of the sermon. Thinking to meet the emergency, he said, "Let us sing Hymn No. 119." Imagine the consternation of the congregation when, turning to the hymn, they found it to be, "Shall We Gather at the River?" 367 ACCLIMATIZED Dumb : "There goes a Florida real estate agent who makes big money selling goldfish as a side line." Bell: "That sounds like a funny combination." . Dumb: "Not at all. Goldfish are the only pets that can live where he sells his lots." 368 A FREE TRANSLATION Lord Babbington was instructing his new colored servant in his du- ties, adding: "Now, Zeke, when I ring for you, you must answer me by saying, "My Lord, what will you have'?" A few hours afterwards, having occasion to summon the servant, his lordship was astonished at the following: "My Gawd, what does you want now?" 369 FILIAL FIDELITY A magician said: "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I n-ill show you my very latest trick, but to perform it I must ask some 1 oy fruin the aud- ience to step up here." Almost at once a boy arose from his place. You'll do," said the magician. The boy marched up to the stage. "Now, my little man," k egan the magician, in a loud voice, "you and I have never seea each other before have we?" "No, papa," replied the boy. 370 ADVANCE INFORMATION Jenks (single) : "When I marry I'm going to be the boss or know the reason why." Jenkiss (married) : "Well, I know the reason why already/ —50— 371 DRIVING ALONG IN THE TWILIGHT Driver (to sweet young thing) : : "I can see that I'm only a pebble in your life." S. Y. T.: "That's all, but I wish you were a little boulder." 372 GETTIN' THAR Hiram had walked four miles over an Ozark mountain peak to call on his lady fair. For a time they sat silent on a bench by the side of a log cabin, but soon the moon, as moons do, had its effect, and Eiram sidled closer to her and patted her hand. "Mary," he began, "y' know I got a clearin' over thar and a team an' wagon an' some hay an' cows an' I cal'late o~ buildin' a house this fall and — Here he was interrupted by Mary's mother who had been awakened. "Mary," she called in a loud voice, "is that young man thar yit?" Back came the answer. "No, maw, but he's gittin' thar." 373 NOT IN THAT BUSINESS Book Agent — Have you a Charles Dickens in your home? Lady — No! Book Agent — Or a Robert Louis Stevenson ? Lady — No! Book Agent — Or a Gene Field ? Lady — No; we ain't, and, what's more, we don't run no boarding house here, r~ither. If you're looking for them fellows, vou might try the house across the street. 374 WANTED TO SEE ONE "I want a copy of the magazine called Posterity, '' said the lady at the news stand. "No such animal, mum," assured the dealer. "Yes, there is too! My gentleman friend is a writing fello— and when I asked him if he wrote deteckcrtifT stuff he Sctid, no, he writes for Posterity, and I want to see one of his things." 375 AGAIN THI SCOT Sandy, the farmer, had been staying with some friends for about a month, and v hile he and his host were out for a walk one day they called at a wayside inn for a drink. As his host was about to pay for it Sandy stopped him. "Na, na," he said, "I'll not allow it. Ye've been keeping me in every- thing at yer house for a month, and ye've treated me to the theatres, and cab fares, and paid for all the drinks. I'll tell ye, I'll hae nae mair of it. We'll toss x r this one." 376 STILL YOUNGER A small English boy, aged four, had just told his uncle that he had been to a party. "Indeed," said the uncle; "why, you must have bee'n the youngest there." "Oh, no," answered the youngster in a very lofty manner, "there was another gentleman who came in a perambulator." 377 LO, THE POOR INDIAN! "No wonder the Indians didn't want to fight after smoking the peace pipe," mused Johnny after tackling his first cigar. —51— 378 LECTURE MATERIAL Jacob — "My wife explored my pockets last night." Julius— "What did she get?" Jacob — "About the same as any other explorer — enough material for a lecture." 379 THE PROFESSOR AGAIN The professor was a very absent-minded man> but he looked up as some of his family trooped into his study. "Well, children, what do you want?" he said. "We've i ome to. say good-night, daddy!" they all shouted. "Well," said the professor, absent-mindedly, "wait till tomorrow morning. I'm much too busy now." 380 IN REVERSE' Fair accused: "I wasn't going thirty miles an hour — not twenty — not even ten; in fact, when the officer came up I was practically stand- ing still!" Magistrate: "One moment, I must stop this or you will be backing into something. One dollar and costs. 381 HOW ABOUT THE OTHERS? She wanted to be his private secretary and had come to his office to apply for the post. She looked neither young nor pretty, which was a shame, since she had tried so hard. "And how old are you, Miss Neill?" he inquired prssently. "Oh," she replied, with a blush, "I have seen 18 happy summers." "What an unhappy life you must have led!" he exclaimed, sympa- thetically. 382 GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN A Marthas Vineyard citizen was notified by his board of health that a permit to keep his pig had expired. Back came the reply: "Dear Board of Helt: Thank you for tole me my permet to keep a pig have expire. I want to tole you my pig have beat you to it. He expire tree week ago." 383 JUSTLY INDIGNANT Daughter — What makes Pa look so mad ? Mother — He got a cinder in his eye on the way to church and it kept him awake through the sermon. 384 OR BECOME A POLICEMAN Bill Sweeney says an Irishman saw a steam shovel for the first time the other day. He looked at it in operation for a while and then remarked: "Begorrah, it sure can dig out a lot of dirt, but it can't vote." 385 A FLIVVER A woman was crossing the street when a big dog ran into her with such force that it knocked her down. Just then a light car nearly ran over her. A man, witnessing the accident, came to her assistance. "Did that dog hurt you ? " he asked. She looked at him a little dazed and replied: "No, the dog didn't hurt me. It was the tin can tied to its tail." —52— 386 LESSON IN ZOOLOGY Rastus had taken Mandy to the circus menagerie and was having a great time explaining all about the animals to his girl. "Lawzee, Rastus, whut's 'at?" asked Mandy, when they came to the zebra. "Don't you know, gal ? You sho' has neglected yo' animology. Dat's nuthin' but a spo't model jackass." 387 EQUAL TO THE OCCASION A certain colonel was inspecting the stables belonging to a cavalry barracks. All went well until suddenly his eagle eye discovered a fes- toon of spiders' webs. "What's the meaning of this?" he demanded angrily. "Shure, sorr," explained the Irish sergeant, as he saluted, "we lave them there on purpose, to privint the flois tazing th' horses!" 388 REMINDED "The storm burst upon us so suddenly and violently that we had no warning of its approach," said the tornado victim, relating his experi- ence to a friend. "In an instant the house was demolished and scattered to the four winds. How I escaped being torn to pieces I do not know! We—" "G-good gracious!" said Mr. Meeke, jumping to his feet. "That re- minds me! I almost forgot to post a letter for my wife!" 389 TORTURE TOO "I hope you will dance with me tonight, Mr. Jones?" "Oh, certainly! I hope you don't think I came here merely for pleasure!" 390 FOOD FOR THOUGHT Si: "Sarah, is there anything you want in town this morning?" Sarah: "Well, Si, you might buy a jar of that traffic jam I've been readin' 'about." 391 POOR HUSBANDS Indignant Customer — That meat you sold yesterday wasn't fit for a human being to eat. If it hadn't been for my husband's dinner, I'd have brought it back and made you change it! 392 PARTIALLY REFORMED "Has your husband given up golf?" "Yes, but he still uses the language when changing tires." 393 BRUTE She (dreamily) — Oh, George, remember it was on just such a night as this that we met. George (married to her) — Yeh, rotten night, ain't it? 394 TAKING NO CHANCE Englishman (at street accident in a Scotch village) — Give him some air - i i*.' Suspicious Native — Give him some yersel', mon. 395 THE CONNIPTION VARIETY The customer at the second-hand clothing store was far from being satisfied, but, on the insistence of the proprietor that everything was all right, finally consented to take the suit. "I'm not at all sure yet that I've a fit," he complained. "You just go home and take a look at yourself in the glass," rejoined the proprietor, pocketing the money, "and you'll have one all right." • —53— 396 A BARGAIN "My husband fought in the big war," announced Mrs. Bloer proudly. "His company was in one engagement :.nd only a remnant of it es- caped alive." "Gracious!" exclaimed Mrs. Bargainhunt, "And you got the remnant." 397 HIS PROBLEM A revival was raging in a Virginia negro church. The fruits had been considerable. One obdurate soul, however, resisted the efforts of the elder. Called to account for his reluctance, he replied: Yo' Lee how it is elder. How's I gwine get mah shirt on ovah my wings "rhen I gets to glory?" "Dat ain't yo' problem," retorted the exhorter prompt- ly. "Yo' problem is how yo' gwine git yo' hat ovah yo' horns." 398 AND HE DID Hub— I saved $20 last month by giving up rmokiug. What would you like me to give up next. Wife— The $20, dear. 399 WRONG END UP Excavation work on the big sewer had reached a low, mucky place and the Italian laborers were having their troubles with the soft mud. Suddenly there arose a shout. "C'mear, queek! Bringa da shov! Bringda da peek! Pietro's stuck in the mud up to his knees!" "Tell him to wade out," shouted the foreman. "He canna no wade — he wrong end up." 400 SOT I suggest," suggested the persuasive county agent, "that we discuss these differences in an open forum." "For 'em hell!" expostulated Hiram Spudblossom. "I'm dead ag'in 'em!" 401 OBJECTIVELY SPEAKING Minor: "Were you fired with enthusiasm when you tackled your first job after leaving college?" Ology: "Was I, I never saw a man so glad to get rid of me in my life." 402 MISTAKEN IDENTITY? Mistress — Who broke that china jug ? Mail — The cat, mum. Mistress What cat ? Maid — Why, ain't we got one ? 403 SOME COUGH "I hear your brother has the hay fever pretty badly," said one man to another. "He has. He even sneezes every time he passes a grass widow." 404 THE DANGER "What would happen if this elevator should drop to the bottom?" asked a timid passenger as the car sped by the forty-second floor. "Gosh!" exclaimed the operator, turning pale at the very idea. "I'd lose my job!" 405 HOPES REALIZED "Have any of your childhood hopes been realized?" "Yes. When mother used to comb my hair I wished I didn't have any." 406 THOROUGHLY CONVINCED Brown — Do you think the dead can communicate with us? Black — I know they can't. Once I borrowed a dollar from a Scotch- man. A week later he died, and I haven't heard a word since. 407 JUST SO "Sedentary wo:*k," said the college lecturer, "tends to lessen the en- durance." "In other words," butted in the smart student, "the more one sits, the less one can s.tand. "Exactly," retcrted the lecturer; "and if one lies a great deal, one's standing is lost completely." 408 AN EXACTING CRITIC Farmer: "That there hog is champion o' six counties." City visitor: "Oh, yes. Er — what's his sport?" 409 SUICIDE BY PROXY Patient — Doctor, I often feel like killing myself. What shall I do? Doctor — Leave it to me. 410 FRENZIED FINANCE Here is an incident that a Chanute man tells as having occured in a certain Kansas town: He was in the ticket office and watched the pro- ceedings: A man came up to the window and asked for a ticket to Kansas City, inquiring the price. "Two twenty-five," said the agent. The man dug down into a well-worn pocketbook and fished out a bill. It was a bank nose for $2. It was also all the money he had. "How soon does this train go?" he inquired. "In fifteen minutes," replied the agent. The man hurried away. Soon he was back with three silver dollars, with which he bought a ticket. "Pardon my curiosity," said the ticket seller, "but how did you get that money? It isn't a loan, for I see you have disposed of the $2 bill." "That's all right," said the man. "No, I didn't borrow. I went to a pawn shop and soaked the bill for S1.50. Then as I started back here 1 met an old acquaintance to whom I sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. I then had $3 and he has the pawn ticket for which the $2 stands as security." 411 A PIKER Doctor's Wife — I see in the paper where a man was killed for $3. Doctor (absently) — What a small fee! The fellow who did the work must have a fake diploma." 412 THAT'S QUITE DIFFERENT A small boy stood in front of a grocery store one day, looking at a display of apples and pears. He moved toward the fruit, then back again several times. At last the grocer went outside and said to the youngster: "Are you ying to steal something, son?" "No mister, I ain't trying to steal anything. I'm trying not to." —55— 413 WITH RESERVATIONS Harold, aged six, had some trouble with a neighbor's children. That night when he had gone to bed his mother asked if he had said his prayers. "And did you pra?- for the heathens, too?" she asked. "Yes," he answered, hesi ;atingly, "all but the three next door." 414 PERPET JATION OF THE RACE Mr. Rook was reading statistics in the newspaper.* "In New York a child is born every two minutes," he announced. "Good Heavens!" exclaimed his wife in horror. "And we're planning to stay there two weeks!" 415 FOR THE FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION An angry customer stroda into a grocery store. "See here!" he exclaimed. "You advertise your apples as being uni- form in quality ? " "I do," replied the grocer. "Well, they're not! You let the worm escape from this one." 416 OUTDOING EINSTEIN An Irishman was handlir g dynamite in a quarry. He let a stick drop and the whole box went up. taking Mike with it. The quarry boss came around later and said to ar other Irishman: "Where is Mike?" "He's gone," replied Pat. "When will he be back?' asked the boss. "Well," replied Pat, "if r e comes back as fast as he went, hell be back yesterday." 417 LINGERED TOO LONG Stage Manager — Yes, we did have a vacancy in the chorus, but you're too late. Girl Applicant— Too late ? Stage Manager — Yeh, by about 10 years. 418 TH]3RE WASN'T ANY Motorist: "Why won't yoa tell me the best road to Mudville?" Native: " 'Cause I don't 'ike ter have people call me a liar." 419 DOESN'T IT, THOUGH? Uptown: "They say that paper's a fine thing to keep you warm dur- ing the winter." Downtown: "Especially if it's in the form of a note. One of them kept me in a sweat for thirty days." 420 THE LOWLY ANIMAL Daughter (having just received a new mink coat from father) — "What I don't see is how such a wonderful fur can come from such a low, sneaking beast." Father — "I don't ask for thanks, dear, but I really insist on respect." 421 AN HONEST MAN Mrs. Blank — Stupid! Why in the world did you get seats for "Mad- ame Butterfy" when I distinctly told you I wanted tj hear Pagliacci? Mr. Blank — To preserve my dignity, woman! When I reached the ticket offce I forgot how to pronounce the blamed thing. —56— 422 NEW YEAR'S WISH Jones — "Oh, he's not such a bad chap. At any rate, he throws him- self into any job he undertakes." Brown — "I wish he'd go and dig a well!" 423 THEY DON'T COME BACK Officer Boy — There's a client to see you, sir. Crabbed Lawyer — New one, or old one ? Boy — New one, of course. 424 HERE'S ANOTHER MacDonald (arranging with clergyman for his second marriage) — "And I should like the ceremony in my yard this time, sir." Clergyman — "Good gracious, why?" MacDonald — "Then the chickens can pick up the rice — we wasted a lot last time!" 425 AND IT WAS DID The Sunday evening Bible class had been enlarged to full strength and two of the latest recruits were discussing Bible topics. "I think this yarn about feedin' five thousand people on five loaves o' bread an' two fish is all bunk," declared Bill. "It can be did, buddy, it can be did," answered Henry. "Aw, whot's the matter with you ? You goin' bugs on this Bible stuff?" "Naw," replied Henry, "but I useta be a mess sergeant in Brest." 426 BEAT HER TO IT Her dearest friend had come to tea, and she was telling her all about the attempted burglary. "Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, under the bed, I saw a man's leg." "Good heavens!" gasped her friend. "The burglar's?" "No," replied the other; "my husband's. He had heard the noise, too." 427 AND HE DID Joseph had been sent to bed by his mother for using profara lang- uage. When his father came home she sent h. ^ upstairs to punish the boy. "I'll teach that young fellow to swear!" he roared and started up the stairs. He tripped on the top step and even his wife held her ears for a few moments. "You'd better come down now," she called up after the air had cleared somewhat, "he's had enough for this lesson." 428 FATHER KNEW Tommy — Is that a lion or lioness, papa? Father — Which one, dear? Tommy — The one with its face scratched, and the hair off its head. Father (with a sigh) — That mtst be the lion. 429 PAGE WEBSTER! Kid Fresh: "What is tact?" Prof: "My boy, if you tell a girl that time stands still when you look into her eyes, that's tact. But if you tell her that her face would stop a clock, look oi t." —57— 430 WRONG DEPARTMENT While the diagnosis of the patient, who had eaten rather generously, was proceeding, the sick man said, "Doctor, do you "link the trouble is in the appendix?" "Oh, no," said the doctor, "not at all. The trouble is with your table of contents." 431 KIND WORDS A young chap who had been celebrating the night before, went into a restaurant the next morning feeling terrible. "Yessuh, Captain," said the waiter bustling to his table. "What you'll have this mohnin'?" Bleary eyed and nervous, he looked s^dly at the w^it r a~d said, "All I want is two fried eggs and a few kind words." In h~If un hour the waiter returned. "Heah, Captain," and he deposed tv , anaemic look- ing eggs on the table. "That is you' iwo fride ai^s," he said, "an' now I will give y' the few kind words: Don't eat 'em." 432 ALL KINDS OF WORK "Don't you find it hard to enforce the law in a wild town like this?" asked a visitor to Red Gulch. "Hell, mister!" ejaculated the local constablj. We got three or four laws to enforce out here." 433 NO DIETING FOR HIM Doctor — "Is your husband following out the diet, prescribed for him during this month?" Mrs. Flaherty — "He is not, sorr, Afther two days av it Mike sez to me, sez he: 'Oi'll not be starvin' mesel' t' death jis fer the sake o' livkf a bit longer." 434 OLD STUFF A man had produced his cigar case and taken out a cigar; and then as if suddenly remembering, had offered his friend the remaining ci- gar. After a while the donor of the cigar asked his friend how he was enjoying the smoke. "Not so bad," replied the other, dubiously. "I think they are very good for the price — cwo for a quarter." "Yes," replied the friend, "but you have the 20-cent one." 435 A LOAD OFF THEIR MINDS It was on their honeymoon. "Have all your bachelor friends congrat- ulated you?" asked the bride, as she cuddled closer. "Some," assented Newlywed. "And some of them thanked me." 436 AN OUTSIDE JOB It was a sunshiny Sunday morning and Pat had brought his shaving tools out on the porch. Mrs. McGinnis looked over the fence. "Shure, Mrs. Murphy, does your old man shave on the outside?" "And what's bothering you?" asked Mrs. Murphy. "Did you think he was fur lined?" 437 CONTRARY "An' yo' say dat little twin baby am a gal?" inquired Parson Jones of one of his colored flock "Yassuh." "An' de other one. Am dat of de contrary sex?" "Yassuh. She am a gal, too." —58— 438 FATHER KNEW "Are kings and queens always good, father?" asked the romantic daughter, looking up from her history book. "They are not!" snorted her practical parent. "Nine times out of ten you'll find three trays out against them." 439 HIGH PRESSURE STUFF Ardent Wooer (a commercial traveler) — My love for you, Winnie darling, surpasses anything else that can be offered in that particular line. 440 SHE'D TELL HIM! It was the dear old lady's first ride in a taxi, and she watched with growing alarm as the driver continually put his hand outside the car as a signal to the traffic following. At last she became exasperated. "Young man," she said, "you look after that car of yours and watch where you're driving. I'll tell you when it starts raining." 441 SO THERE! The bull had chased the Naylors away from their picnic. When they were safely over the fence, Mrs. Naylor, removing her h?t from her left ear, exclaimed angrily: "John, just for that I am going to have roast beef for dinner every day for a month." 442 INCURABLE "Dey ai -' no jestice no mo," mourned Rufus to a friend. "Sam, ah's a sick man. Guess ah's gwine die, suah. Ah goes to de doctah, an' he says mah veins am too close. Says ah got very-close veins An' de oney help fo' me, he says, ar to eat chicken brof free times a day, an' stay in nights. An' Sam, dat jes' kain't be done!" 443 SOMETHING WRONG SOMEWHERE "Mother, did you hear me say my prayers last night?" "Yes, my dear." "Did you hear me ask God to make me a good girl?" "Yes, my dear." "Well, he ain't done it." 444 ON BARGAIN DAY A young matron in whom the shopping instinct was strong, asked a German butcher the price of hamburger steak. "Twenty-five cents a pound," he replied. "But," she said, "the price at the corner store is only 12 cents." "Veil," asked Otto, "vy you don't puy it down there?" "They haven't any," she explained. "Oh, I see," replied the butcher. "Ven I don't have it I sell it for 10 cents." 445 MODERN YOUTH AGAIN "Ma," whimpered little Tommy, "do I have to wash my face again before dinner?" "Certainly, dear." "Aw, gee, why can't I just powder it over again like you do yours?" 446 COURTEOUS TO THE END "Is there anything you woud like to do before I press the button?" asked the warden at Sing Sing to the murderer in the electric chair. "Yes," said the latter, "I would like to get up and give a lady my seat." —59— 447 SNAPPY COMEBACK Two Jews in business had failed to get rid of a consignment of bag gy, outsize trousers. Said Ikey: "Let's send them to Aberdeen." "What's the good of that?" asked his partner. "If we can't sell them, Aberdeen can't." "That'll be all right!" said Ikey. "Send them 13 pairs and invoice them as a dozen." They did so. A few days later a reply came from Aberdeen. Twelve pairs of trousers were returned, with a note, saying, "Sorry, can't sell them here." 448 AS FATHER DOES Little Willie was going to a party. "Now, Willie," his mother cautioned, "if you are offered a second piece of cake you must refuse, as it would not be polite to take two." When the child returned she asked if he obeyed her instructions. "Oh, yes," he replied proudly. "When they offered it to me I said, 'Take that damn stuff away ' just the same as father does." 449 IT DEPENDS "I want a maid who is fond of children. Are you?" "It depends on the wages, mum!" 450 INEXPERIENCED Down in Texas the short cotton crop forced a large number of country negroes to the cities. One of them applied for a job at one of the large employment agencies. "There's a job at the Eagle Laundry" said the man behind the desk : "Want it?" The applicant shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. "Tell you how it is, boss, he said finally, "I sure does want a job mighty bad, but the fact is, I ain't never washed no eagles." 451 MY DEAR ALPHONSE! We think the prize for courteous repartee was won by Thackeray, as related by Brander Matthews in an article in The Century. "When he was standing for Parliment, he happened co meet his opponent one day, who, after chatting amicably, left the great novelist with the re- mark, 'May the best man win!' To which Thackeray returned instantly, 'Oh, I hope not.' " 452 NO. 48,623 "Is this the fire department?" yelled the excited absent-minded pro- fessor over the phone. "Yes, what do you want?" "How far is it to the nearest alarm box ? My laboratory is on fire and I must turn in the call at once." 453 HOW WELL HE KNEW IT "Now, William," said his school-teacher, who was testing her class on the proverbs, "you ought to be able to finish this one — it's a very easy one: 'Cleanliness is next to' — what?" "Impossible!" exclamed little Willie, who lived down near the rail- road yards. 454 NO PLACE TO HIDE Mrs. Snap: "Do I look all right in my new dress, dear?" Mr. Snap: "Better get in a little farther, if there's room." —60— ' *° 455 TOO TOUGH FOR SISTER "Do babies really come from heaven, mother?" "Why, yes, dear. Don't you believe it?" "So far as I'm concerned — but it's pretty hard to swallow about lit- tle Harold." 456 NO MUSICIAN Doctor — Have you any organic trouble ? Patient — No Doc, I can't even carry a tune. 457 MUST HAND IT TO HIM "And here," said the guide to what was once bad man's country, "is where Hiram Spillster captured five men single-handed." "Well, land's sakes alive!" ejaculated an old lady. "That was a right powerful stunt for a one-armed man!" 458 OUT OF HIS MISERY Mrs. Peck looked up from her newspaper. "If I should kill you, Henry," she asked, "would it be murder or manslaughter?" "Neither, my dear," replied her husband, summoning his courage for once. "It would be doing me a kindness." 459 NEVER NEEDS AN UMBRELLA A furrier was selling a coat to a lady customer. "Yes, ma'am," he said, "I will guarantee this to be genuine skunk fur that will wear for years." "But suppose I get it wet in the rain," asked the lady, "what effect will the water have on it? Won't it spoil?" "Madam," answered the furrier, "I have only one answer. Did you ever hear of a skunk carrying an umbrella ? " 460 EVER VIGILANT Mistress — I should like to know what business that policeman has in my kitchen every night of the week ? Pretty Servant — Well, ma'am I think he suspects me of neglecting my work. 461 A FRIEND IN NEED "Callahan," demanded the judge, "why did you dump your hod of bricks on your friend Mclntyre?" "It was this way, judge," explained the offender. "I wanst tole Mc- lntyre that if he was hard up for money to come to the building where I was workin' and I'd do him a favor. An' whin I saw him comm* down the street, dead broke, I dropped the bricks down on his head, knowin* he had an accident policy." 462 GRAY OUTLOOK Father — "Every time you are bad I get another gray hair." Son — "Well, you must have been a corker. Look at grandpa." 463 INDIRECT WARNING Wifey — The cook left this afternoon without warning. Hubby — Not exactly without warning, my dear. She told me I had better bring home some dyspepsia tablets. —61— 464 ANOTHER MRS. MALAPROP A kindly but somewhat patronizing landlady inquired of the profes- sor's young bride how she and her husband planned to spend the summer vacation. "Our plans thus far," replied the bride a little distantly, "are only tentative." "How nice!" the landlady exclaimed. "I'm sure you will enjoy camp- ing out more than anything else you could do." 465 GREAT EXPECTATIONS A Park Avenue apartment house which goes in for flunkeys, recent- ly blossomed out with a new doorman. When a gentleman called and asked to see Mrs. Brown, the new attendant, true to his calling, de- tained him with the customary, "But is Mrs. Brown expecting you?" The caller withered him with a glance. "My good man," he said, "Mrs. Brown was expecting me before I was born. She is my mother." 466 LEFT THEM SOMEWHERE Wife — I hear that Mrs. De Koltay is going to Paris for her gowns. Hub — Judging from her appearance the last last time I saw her, she must have left her clothes somewhere. 467 TACTICAL ERROR Two Negroes from a little town in Alabama had served in France in the same stevedore outfit, but had become separated when the time came for embarkation and did not meet again until this year. Rushing up to his old friend, Abe Johnson cried: "Boy, Ah's glad to see you! Whah yo' been all dis time?" "Humpf !" said Link Washington sadly. "Ah went in de EXIT of de de-cootiein' station an' instead of gettin' de-cootied Ah got cootied an* couldn't git away." 468 IT ALL DEPENDS "Hey, Bill!" "What is it?" "Your doctor's out h?re with a Hat tire." "Diagnose the case as flatulency of the perimeter, and charge him ac- cordingly," ordered the garage man. "That's Ihe way he does biz." 469 A MYSTERY Teacher — What do we use soap for? Jimmie — That's what I'd like to know. 470 RESIGNED TO HIS FATE The doctor was worried over th^ condition of his patient. "I think I shall have to call in some other physicians for consultation," he said. "That's right; go ahead," consented the victim feebly. "Get as many accomplices as you like." 471 A FISH STORY A keen angler took a friend fishing, and lent him all the necessary tackle. After half an hour the novice asked: "How much do those little red things cost?" "I suppose you mean the float," replied the disciple of Izaak Walton. "They cost about two shillings." "Well, I owe you two shillings then," replied the amateur; "the one you lent me has just sunk," —62— 472 PAGE THE MISSIONARY There was a man who did not approve of foreign missions. One Sun- day at church a collector approached him and held out the box. "I never give to missions," whispered the man. "Then take something out of the bag, sir," whispered the collector, "the money is for the heathen." 473 FATHER'S SYSTEM Teacher: Thomas, if your father owed the landlord twenty dollars, the butcher twelve dollars, anl the grocer sixteen dollars, what would he pay? Tommy: Nothin', ma'am; we'd move. 474 DISAPPOINTMENT "I'm through with that fellow Biffins for good." "You don't tell me. Why?" "Last evening while we were passing his house he asked me if I'd like to come down in his cellar and have a look at his new furnace." "And then?" "It was a new furnace." 475 STILL AT SEA "I beg your pardon," said the hotel clerk, "but what is your name?" "Name?" echoed the indignant guest who had just signed the regis- ter. "Don't you see my signature there on the register?" "I do," answered the clerk, "That aroused my curiosity." 476 LAST WORD "Pa!" "Well, my son?" "What is the last word in hospitality?" "It isn't a word, son. I's a hiccough." 477 REVEALED "A"i ,my dear young lady!" exclaimed the attendant at the awesome entrance of the silken-hung room. "You wish to consult Madame Ma- harajah, the great mystic of the Orient?" "Yep." replied the caller. "Tell her that her kid sister's here and ma wants she should get a couple pounds Hamburg steak on the way home." 478 TRUE TO LIFE Visitor — Your picture of the Fiery Dragon is a masterpiece. Schram the Artist — Fiery Dragon? Where did you see that? Visitor — In the middle of the wall in the next room. Schram — Oh, that is a protrait of my mother-in-law. 479 GROWING UP "In certain parts of Florida," says a New Yorker, "they marry young. A youthful giant was thus accosted by a friend: "'Spect you're mighty glad you're goin' to be twenty-one soon, Henry, so you kin vote." "Well," said Henry, "I don't care so much about votin'; but I'm mighty glad about it, 'cause I kin teach my oldest boy to call me dad. So fur he hain't called me anythin' but Henry." 480 CONTINUOUS PERFORMANCE "Chickens, sah," said the negro sage, "is de usefulest animal dere is. You c'n eat 'em fo' dey is bo'n an' after dey's dead." —63— 481 TOO EMBARRASSED "Every room with a bath," says the prospectus of a new and huge hotel just started here. Which reminds us of the story of a countryman, unfamiliar with such luxuries, who passed the night at a modern hotel. "Well, did you have a good night's rest?" the clerk asked him next morning. "No, I didn't," was the reply. "The room was all right and the bed was pretty good, but I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid some one would want to take a bath, and the only door to it was through my room." 482 THAT HOMING INSTINCT A colored man was leaning against the fence in front of his home, his face a picture of misery. A white friend of his happened by. "What's the matter, Sam?" he asked. "Never saw you look so gloomy." "Ah's had de toughest luck," mourned Sam. "Somebody opened de do' to mah hen-house an' all de chickens done flew de coop." "Oh, don't let that worry you. You know the old saying that chick- ens will come home to roost." "Yassuh, dat's de trouble. Dem chickens ain't comin' home — dey's went!" 483 A REGULAR Judge: "Now, I don't expect to see you here again, Rufus." Ruf us: "Not see me here again, Judge? Why, you'all ain't a-goin' to resign yo' job, is you judge?" 484 HENRY'S HANDICAP "Poor old Henry!" said one workman to another. "He's so short- sighted he's working himself to death!" "What has his short sight got to do with it?" "Why, he can't see when the boss ain't looking, so he has to keep on shoveling all the time." 485 THE AFTER EFFECTS The doctor told James not to stay out late at night. "You think the night air is bad for me?" ask d Jones. "No," was the reply, "it isn't that. It's the excitement after getting home that hurts you." 486 WAY FATHER TOOK IT "How did my father take it?" she asked. "He took it very well," he replied in a somewhat listless tone. "Oh, I'm so glad, George!" she cried delightedly, while her face lit up. "Are you?" answered George gloominly. "Well, I can't say that I am, dear. At first your father wouldn't listen to me." "But, darling," said the girl, "didn't you tell him you had $2,500 in the bank, as I told you to?" "Yes, I did after all else failed. "And what did he do then?" "Do," echoed the young man — "do? Why, he borrowed it!" 487 CORRECT CONCLUSION "All fish swim; therefore, I am a fish," declaimed the smart fresh- man in Logic. "That's correct, -sn't it?" "That's correct," agreed the weary professor, "but that isn't the way you prove it." 488 HE KNEW WHAT HE WANTED The young son was sick and the doctor was called. He told the boy he must go the hospital. Boy: "Oh, doctor. I don't want to go to the hospital." Doctor: "Why, a hospital's a fine place — clean and convenient." Boy: "But, doctor, I don't want to go there. I don't want a baby, I want a pup." 489 ILLOGICAL St. Peter was interviewing the fair applicant at the Pearly Gates. "Did you, while on earth," he asked, "indulge in necking, petting, smoking, drinking or dancing the Charleston or Black Bottom?" "Never!" she retorted emphatically. "Then why haven't you reported here sooner ? You've been a dead one for some time." 490 AN INTRUDER Nurse (announcing happy event) — It's a boy, professor. Professor (absorbed in study) — Ask him what he wants. 491 HEREDITY Johnny's teacher wrote the following criticism on the edge of the boy's report card: "A good worker, but talks too much." When the card was returned to her it bore, in addition to the fath- er's signature, this comment: "You should hear his mother." 492 NOT MUCH BETWEEN A city lad stopped along the side of a country road and got out of his car to josh a barefoot rural boy. Leaning over a fence which hap- pened to be handy, he said: "Your corn is a little yellow, isn't it, son?" "Yes, sir, that's the kind we planted." "Not going to have more than half a crop, are you?" "No, sir, the landlord gets the other half." "Then there's not much between you and a dam-fool, is there?" "No, sir, nothing but, that fence." 493 THE LAST SUBDIVISION "Could I talk over a little real estate proposition with you, sir?" asked the suave salesman. "Indeed, yes," replied the man who had just been swindled in a land deal. "I'll be glad to discuss a small plot about three by seven that you'll be needing in just another minute." 494 THE SPIRIT OF THE THING Harry — What did Schram say when you gave him the brandied cherries we sent to cheer his convalescence?" George — He said he was afraid he was not strong enough to eat the fruit, but he appreciated the spirit in which it was sent. 495 WAY BEHIND Mose and Sam were digging a trench over in France. Although not in an especially safe spot, for a time they were unconscious of their danger. Then a shell flew over their heads and exploded just beyond. Others followed. At the fifth explosion Mose asked inquiringly: "Sam, don' yo-all thinks it's about time we-all done got religion?" "Chuff!" retorted Sam scornfully; "Mose, yoh sutenly is a tho'ly shiftless, boy. Me, I done got religion when de fust bomb bust." —65— 496 GRATITUDE "Say, how about returnin' that corn sheller of mine you borrowed six months ago?" "Sure, feller! Just loan me your horse and wagon and I'll fetch it right over." 197 HIS GIFT Last summer, when a party of farm specialists were touring the malaria belt, they stopped for lunch at the cabin of Jeff Plaisted. The day was hot, and while the excited females of the family ran down the young roosters and fried them Jeff and his distinguished guests sat and smoked in the shade of the cabin. "Jeff," said Mrs. Plaisted after the visitors had gone, "I hope you-all was able to keep up your end of the talk while you was settin' out back with them professors." Jeff hesitated a moment. "Well, Letty," he said, "maybe I was just a lee-tle shy on talk. I'm a better listener than a talker." Then he drew himself up proudly. "But there's one thing," he said; "I can spit four inches furder'n their very best man!" 498 HE'D BE THERE Bilkins had been top kicker overseas and had naturally acquired a complete line of profanity, an unfortunate habit which clung to him when he returned to civilian life. He and Mrs. Bilkins consulted to- gether for a remedy and finally hit upon what seemed a likely ex- pedient. "Bobbie," said Mrs. B. to their young offspring, "Daddy and I have arranged that he shall give you a dime every time he is caught swear- ing." "Gee, that's great," cried the youngster. Then he added hopefully: "When are you going to fix the car, daddy?" 499 HE SENSED IT "Young man," said the boss pompously and pointedly, "what we need in this business is brains — b-r-a-i-n-s — brains!" "Well," agreed the youthful applicant for a job, "that does seem to be about what's lacking." 500 UNREASONABLE "I hear that Hot Wind Hawk shot up the Palace Bar last night," remarked a tenderfoot in Holster, Arizona. "Ugh-huh," replied Black Powder Andy. "Reckon he did." "What were his reasons?" "Reasons?" bellowed the awakened Andy. "Is this yeah town gettin' so blame civilized that a feller's gotta hav reasons for every little thing he does?" 501 THE DEFUNCT "What's all the excitement about?" asked a stranger in a town that shall be nameless here. "Funeral, mister," replied a native laconically. "Who's dead?" "Dunno, mister. Th' lynchin' party ain't back yet." 502 BARE FACTS "These here clothes they wear nowadays is a good bit like a barb- wire fence," said the old-fashioned farmer after his first look at the gowns on a New York dance floor. "They protect the property with- out obstructing the view." —66— 503 A SUBORDINATE OFFICER "Is it true that poor old Bill has married again?" "Yes; he's under entirely new management." 504 READING FOR GENTS ONLY "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked the wit, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free." "Yes," replied his prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that it is still the home of the brave." 505 SCIENTIFIC SALESMANSHIP Canvasser — "Does your husband play golf?" Lady— "Yes." Canvasser — "Then, I'm sure you will be interested in this set of thirty-eight volumes I am selling; it will help you to while away many a lonely hour." 506 RIGHT BACK AT HIM An opulent-appearing man drove up to the curb in a car that was not so opulent, and was accosted by a small boy: "Watch yer auto for a nickel, mister." "Beat it, kid, this machine won't run away." "Naw, but I could call you when it starts to fall apart." 507 ALL SET "Of course, young man," said the girl's father, "you know that my daughter has always had a good home." "Yes, sir," beamed the suitor. "I believe that it will prove entirely satisfactory." 508 TURRIBLE! TURRIBLE! One Sunday two lovers went to church. When the collection was be- ing taken up the young man explored his pockets, and finding nothing, whispered to his sweetheart, "I haven't a cent, I changed my pants." Meanwhile the girl had been searching her bag, and finding nothing, blushed a rosy red and said, "I'm in the same predicament." 509 WILLFUL WASTE "I wish you would speak to daughter," said the anxious Mrs. Brown to Mr. Brown. "I caught her kissing the ice man this morning." "Good heavens!" exclaimed the father. "Yes," continued Mrs. Brown. "Think of the idea of her wasting her time with the i e man when we owe the butcher sixty dollars!" 510 SELF-INFLICTED Blackstone: "Did your wife accept you the first time you proposed." Webster: "No, I have only myself to blame!" 511 WHERE IS THY STING? "You are killing your husband with kindness." "I told Robert that and he remarked that as it is a pleasant, linger- ing death he has no objection." —67— 512 WIFE WORSE THAN EXPECTED A darky who had recently married was asked by the farmer for whom he worked how .he and his Mandy were getting along. "Not very well, boss. The fact is Mandy and me we've done pa'hted." "Parted !" exclaimed the farmer. "Why, you were just married. You k..ow, Sam, you can't leave Mandy. She's your wife and you took her for better or worse." "That's just it, boss," said Sam. " I shore did tell that pahson that I took that gal for better or wus. But, boss, dat gal is wus'n I took her to be. 513 READY FOR EMERGENCIES "I don't suppose you keep anything so civilized as dog biscuits in this one-horse, run-down, jay town, do you?'" the tourist snarled. "Oh, yes, stranger," the village merchant responded, pleasantly. "Quite a few folks like you come through from the city, and we aim to have everything called for. Have 'em in a bag or eat 'em here?" 514 TROUBLE AHEAD "Shame on you!" stormed the judge to the colored prisoner. "You come into this court and state that, because you believe in signs, you refuse to go home and live with your wife. I repeat, shame on you! A man living in this age shouldn't let superstition break up his home!" "Jedge," replied the defendant, "taint superstition Ah's afeard on, but Ah do believe in signs. Fo, de las, three nights, aftuh Ah'd gone to bed, Ah could heah dat woman honin' mah razor." 515 STRICT OBEDIENCE Lady — Did your mother send any message with this birthday bou- quet? Boy — No. She only said that I was not to ask for a piece of cake, but wait until you asked me to have one. 516 THE WRONG PARTY The wife of a Cincinnati contractor had arranged to meet her hus- band at a certain store. After standing about for sometime she grew impatient, and thinking that he might have forgotten to meet her, she called him up at his place of business. Supposing that Central had given her the right number, she exclaimed: "Hello, John! Is th„t you? I'm nearly dead." "Well, madam," came the reply, "I guess you have the wrong man. I'm an undertaker and I want them entirely dead." 517 A REAL TREAT Mr. Wayback (visiting his city niece): I planted thirty acres this year. City Niece: I must come and see you after they grow up. Yo : know, I've never eaten an acre in my life. 518 STAG PARTY The Rhode Island Red rooster was astonished one day to see his friend, the Plymouth Rock rooster, sitting philosophically upon an egg. "What on earth are you doing there, Bill?" he inquired curiously. "Well," the Plymouth Rock explained, "it's got so nowadays that this is about the only kind of a job a feller can hold without being ef- feminate." — 6S— 519 WE ALL HAVE "I don't like your heart action," said the medical examiner. "You've had some trouble with Angina Pectoris." "You're partly right, doctor," said the applicant sheepishly, "only that ain't her name." 520 SEASONAL PRECAUTIONS Medium — The spirit of your wife is here now. Do you wish to speak to her through me ? Victim — Yes. Ask her where she put my winter undarwear. 521 FAIR WARNING Bobby had devoured three large slices of cake and still it did not ap- pear that his appetite was appeased. "Aw, just another piece, please," Bobby begged. "If you eat another piece of cake you certainly will burst," his grandmother declared. "Then pass the cake and stand back," was Bobby's decision. 522 SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE TENDER A henpecked and haggard New York contractor stepped into the butcher shop the other morning and asked: "What kind of meat have you this morning?" To which the butcher leplied: "Some steak as tender as a woman's heart." "I'll take sausage," said the contractor. 523 WRONG TERMINOLOGY A pretty young i ' ing from the city had been staying on a ranch up in the cattle country for a few weeks. Seeing some calves running across a pasture, she exclaimed, "Oh, what pretty collets." "Yes miss," drawled a ranchman, pulling his mustache to conceal a smile, "they are pretty, but they's bullets." 524 PARLEY VOUS? The school teacher had suddenly recollected that the day was the anniversary of the birthday of Joan of Arc. "I wonder," she wondered aloud, "if any of my pupils can tell me the name of the best loved girl in France." "Aw, dat's easy," snorted a small boy, whose father had been a pri- vate in the A. E. F. "Mademoiselle from Armentieres." 525 FIGHTING BY SIGNS A story is told on a well known engineer who was a National Guard Colonel: Two battalions of the Colonel's regiment were staging a sham battle at their summer encampment. The defending forces took possession of a small hill overlooking a river and destroyed the only bridge by the simple method of tacking up a notice on it stating that they had done so. As a result, it was quite a surprise to them to see the attacking forces swarming across the bridge, making extraordinary motions in front of them with their hands. "Hold on there, men!" shouted the Colonel's aide from the observer's post. "You can't cross that bridge. It has been blown up." "Tuhel with that!" retorted the Major of the other side, "we're not crossing it. Can't you see we are swimming the dang river?" —69— 526 ONE OFTEN FOLLOWS THE OTHER "See here," said the angry visitor to the reporter, "what do you mean by inserting the derisive expression 'Applesauce' in parenthesis in my speech?" " 'Applesauce'? Great Scott, man, I wrote 'Applause.' " 527 COOPERATION She — Oh, that Lull is coming right toward us! What l1u.11 we do? He — Don't stand there doing nothing; come and help me climb this tree. 528 KEPT THEM HUSTLING "A good turkey dinner and mince pie," said a well-known after dinner orator, "always puts us in a lethargic mood — makes us feel, in fact, like the natives of Nola Chucky. In Nola Chucky one day I said to a man: " 'What is the principal occupation of this town?' " " 'Wall, boss,' the man answered yawning, 'in winter they mostly sets on the east side of the house and follers the sun around to the west, and in the summer they sets on the west side and follers the shade around to the east.' " 529 HEARTBREAKING A very sad tale is told of a Scotchman who walked ten miles to see a baseball game, and then was too tired to climb the fence. 530 TACT "Do you and your wife have similiar views?" "On second thought — yes." 531 ENTHUSIASTIC Sporting goods salesman (who has talked golf for an hour) — By the way, I don't know if you are interested in golf. I hope I haven't been boring you. Girl customer — Not in the least — but tell me, what is golf ? 532 A MATTER OF CHOICE "Is this the weather bureau?" "Yes, ma'am." "How about a shower tonight?" "It's all right with me. If you need one, take it." 533 MUST TAKE CONSEQUENCES Miss Highbrow — Oh, Mr. Mailman, please return a package I've just mailed — it contains a split infinitive. Postman — Sorry, ma'am it's against orders — and if it damages the other mail you'll be held responsibile. 534 JUST COMPLAINT "You don't mean to say," said the fat, red-faced woman, "that you won't give me my money back for this book just because I've read it? You know you advertise that " "Just a moment, please," said the clerk. "What's the matter with the book ? Is it that the cover is marred, the print imperfect, or anything like that?" "No." "Then why are you not satisfied with the story?" "Why, I don't like the way it ends." —70— 535 MERE WORDS Three women were drinking tea together and the first said: "George and I ha\ e been married 28 years, and in all that time there has never been an unkind word — no, not even an unkind thought to mar our per- fect happiness." The second woman was tremendously impressed. "My goodness! I wish I could say that!" she cried. The third woman smiled and said: "Well, why don't you?" 536 OUT OF LUCK A colored recruit who had been placed on sentry duty was accosted by a corporal who asked if the sentry had seen anything of the captain. "Ah am' seen no cap'n," said the recruit. After a little the corporal passed that way again and repeated the inquiry. The sentry had still not seen the captain. Presently, however, the captain appeared. "Ain't you the cap'n?" asked the sentry. The other replied that he was. "Well, you all is gonna get hell! That co'p'ral is been lookin' high en low f o' you," the sentry exclaimed. 537 THE PROFESSOR ON THE JOB Professor Abson Minded tried to commit suicide last night. He was going to hang himself to a beam in the attic." "Good Lord! Didn't he succeed?" "No. When they found him he was still sitting on the stepladder, trying to remember why he had tied that string around his neck.'' 5C8 PASSING THE BUCK "Yes, Rupert," said mother, "the baby was a Christmas present from the angels." "Well mama," said Rupert, "if we lay him away carefuly and don't use him, can't we give him to somebody else next Christmas?" 539 PUTTING THE DIN IN DINNER Patient: "Doctor, there is an awful rumbling in my stomach. It sounds like a cart going over a cobblestone street." Doctor: "It's probably that truck you at^ for dinner." 540 PRECAUTION The beefy man scanned the bill of fare very closely. "Oh, I don't know what I want; I'm not really hungry," he said to the waiter. "I guess, though, I'll have a broiled lobster, a double Welsh rarebit, a couple of side orders of vegetables and a mince pie." "Will you please write your order, sir, and sign it?" the waiter asked respectfully. "We always like to have something to show the coroner, sir." 541 HE KNEW' EM Daughter — Did you hear, dad, they've just caught the biggest hotel thief in Ne _ r Yor 1 '. Father— Oh ? Which hotel did he run ? —71— 542 ON MONKEY-WRENCH An automobile tourist was traveling through the great Northwest when he met with a slight accident to his machine. In some way he had mislaid his monkey-wrench, so he stopped at a nearby farmhouse, where the following conversation took place between him rnd the Swede farmer: "Have you a monkey-wrench here?" "Naw; my brother he got a cattle-rench over there; my cousin he got a sheep-rench further down the road, but too cold here for mon- key-rench." 543 HORRID THING "Hello," called a feminine voice over the telephone, "is this the Hu- mane Society?" "Yes," replied the official in charge. "Well- -there's a book agent sitting out here hi a tree teasing my dog." 544 HANDLED BOTH DEPARTMENTS Colonel Corkright-Majuh Bludsoe is an excellent judge of liquor, isn't he, suh? Colonel Gore — Yes, suh! The Majuh's not only a good judge of it, but also a merciless executioner. 545 NON-SUPPORT "Yes, t Bobby, when you die your body will stay here but your soul will go to Heaven." "Well then, mother, when I get to Heaven what will I have to but- ton my pants onto?" 546 A FAUX PAS For an hour or so a movie star had been impatiently watching a rehearsal. "What's the idea of this picture, anyway?" she inquired at length. "Idea?" gasped the director. "Idea? My dear young lady, do you want to ruin the picture profession?" 547 CROSSED THE SIGNALS "Mother," said little Bobby, bursting into the house all out of breath, "there's going to be the deuce to play down at the grocer's. His wife has got a baby girl and he's had a 'Boy wanted' sign in the window for a week." 548 CERTAINLY Smith was never an early bird at the office. His boss exclaimed: "Late again. Have you ever in your life done anything on time?" "Yes, sir," was the meek but prompt reply. "I bought a car." 549 THE NEXT BEST THING "What makes you think Bill Morgan is economical?" "Well, his wife wanted to see the world — and he gave her a map." 550 AN EMERGENCY CALL "My boss says he can't come after all," said the plumber's boy. "But as it was a hurry-up call, he sent me." "But I never sent for anyone," said the mistress of the house, rather puzzled. "Oh, then," the boy concluded, "it must have been the folks as was here before you moved in." —72— 551 *OLD FRIENDS Bobby's mother took him out to the park the other day, and as they stood watching the birds in their enormous cage the little fellow ob- served a stork gazing at him. "Oh, look, mother," safd Bobby. "The stork is trying to see if he remembers me still." 552 FRANK ADVICE A young mas just out of college sought the advice of a hard-headed and successful business man. "Tell me, please, how I should go about getting a start in the great game of business." "Sell your wrist watch and buy an alarm clock," was the laconic reply. 553 REMEMBERED TOO LATE. Professor (after being fished out of the water) — The worst of it is that I have just remembered that I can swim. 554 READY TO BLAST "Hear they got a new dentist here," remarked Pete, the cowpunch- er, on a visit to Bad Man's Gulch. "How do you get along with him?" "Well," drawled Matt, the miner, "he turned the air drill into me, but I escaped before the durned fool could tamp in the dynamite." 555 THE USUAL WAY Willis: Bump claims to be a very strong-minded man. Gillis: That's right. When Bump tells his wife to do a thing he does it. 556 WHEREIN HE FELL SHORT A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said boastfully at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse; in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I cannot do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an eggV 557 IN A WAY "And did you have a honeymoon, Mandy?" asked her mistress of her colored laundress. "We-e-ell," was the hesitating reply, "Rastus done he'ped me wid de washins de fust two weeks." " 558 SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE A sweet girl high-school graduate went to a country school on Sep- tember 1 to begin work in her chosen profession. As she looked out at the landscape, she observed trees with their limbs bent to the ground. Teacher: "Why do those trees bend over so far?" Boy Pupil: "I guess you'd bend over too if you wuz full o' green ap- ples like them trees." 559 CAUTION "So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of the young man of her choice. "Very much indeed," replied the youth. "Can you support a family?" The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are there of you, sir?" —73— 56 ^.„ A . UNDER COMPULSION Hubb y y- wto wasTha n t" hen * ^^ "" t0M the trUth ' inK^^re^" When ^ Said ' " EVG ' *»* the only woman 56 L -ii , GIPPED The village bank had been forced to close its doors and Ike although \w W ll Campi ° n «e er-do-well, was loudest in his denunciat ons* debitor -Yor, Y m ^ kmg . al T t? " g:rowled a comparatively Targe there/' h * Ve had m ° re than a C0U P le of dollars !n "Well, 'retorted Ike, "if I'd known this was gonna happen I could nf been overdrawn, couldn't I?" K""««* nappen i could of 562 A ^ SUBMITTED After a young lawyer had talked nearly five hours +n » iV™ i. ° 6 * , HIS LUCK o64 A . L PLUMB WUTHLESS "What's the matter with them?" nsVor? f^ „i i «™ wearing all right." * ed the cIerk ' The y seem to be "Oh yassuh," replied the negro. "Dey wears all nVhf w ^ ^ ,. seem to put de edge on mah razah like d,oM ones did." * d ° n * 56 ? T .. THOUGHTFUL HUBBY upon his return from Florida Smith \s -.t^-p^ ± j * whether he had thought ofMt'Jin^ "^ "» ppen"' ° nCe ' "^ he ' ~ i. The Clergyman replied quietly "Well ,nt^!n^ he shouted, about it." q y ' Wel1 ' g0 t0 hel1 then > but be quiet 567 DESTINATION UNANNOUNCED He hac returned to his native village after an aWnr* nf and was inquiring about his old friends and »?Z • . S ° me years Where's Cook?" was one question acquaintances. "And "Dead." "Dead? Well, peace to his ashes." "Oh," said the informant, "do you think he's gone there?" —74— * fiR THE BOOSTERS During an extre.ely cold ^^^^^ s ^^!^ Sa "Afn>t that just like the blankety-blank-blank Chamber of Commerce anyway?" KCQ \DVERTISING EXPERT ^She-It is useless 4 you to say any more, I cannot marry you. Shall I return your letters ? He— No; I shall have to get up some better forms. -7n SIMPLE FRACTIONS . is meant by the small fraction over five. OH T "The next morning after the excitement Mr. Jones encountered his 16 "Yes," was the reply; "she thought it was me." .-o NO RAPID TRANSIT school you ought to buy them an encyclopedia -Buy them an encyclopedia? Hanged if I do, ™as his repiy. them walk, like I did." 5? 1 Western lawyer entered^on^mlTclient's cell. "Well," he said cheerfuly, "good news at last." "A rP^ripve 9 " exclaimed the prisoner eagerly. "No. bu your uncle has died leaving you §5,000 ^Vorts^oYyour your fate with the satisfying feeling that the noble efforts of your lawyer will not go unrewarded." = 71 TOUGH LUCK A Scotchman who had been playing golf in Florida was seen wend- ing^hl way hom ewar d through the links, leading an alligator on a r ° "What's the big idea?" asked a friend, "Why are you carrying off ^-Wee! » s'aid the Scotchman, "the hungry brute swallowed my golf ball." 171 TIME LIM ITED J A - the "See here, young man," stormed the irate father, descending the stairs at one a. m. "do you think you can stay in the parlor with my 6K S^Z^bf&A ^e imperturbable youth modestly, "but I'm really afraid I'll have to be leaving about four or five o clock. —75— 576 ANIMAL SPIRITS "So yuh teased the tenderfoot, huh?" asked Cactus Pete. "Yeah," replied Yuma Joe. "Jest kidded him a little. Drew a circle around his heart with five bullets an' made him think I was gonna put the sixth one inside the circle." 577 MATRIMONIAL FELICITY "Say, sonny, is your father at home?' 7 "No, he hain't been home since Mamma caught Santa Claus kissing the hired girl." 578 GENTLE HINT A pedestrian, bumped by a taxi, found himself lying in the street di- rectly in the path of a steam roller. "That reminds me." he cried in a tone of annoyance, "I was to bring home some pancake flour!" 579 NO COMPLAINT "Young man," called down the girl's father sternly from the top of the stairs, "have you any idea what time it is?" "Twelve o'clock, sir," replied the ex-gob. "Well?" "And all's well." 580 DOUBLE SHIFT A shoemaker gave a money guarantee that his shoes would last three months. A Scotchman bought a pair, but in three weeks brought them back — in holes and completely worn out. "That's queer," said the shoemaker. "You're the only person who has complained. Did they fit you all right?" "Aye, but they were a wee bit tight for ma brother who works at nights." 581 A REMINDER A handsome and youthful college graduate was introduced at the morning assembly of the high school as the new teacher in music and art. He began his little speech by saying: "I see before me many bright and shining faces." And then 187 powder puffs went into action immediately, energetically anl effectively. 582 HIT HIS MARK A committee from the legislature was visiting the state university. They were invited to take supper at the students' club, where most of the poor young fellows who had to work their way got board at cost. After supper the students called on the visitors for speeches. One member from a remote county, who had made his reputation by "bein' a good talker," grew very eloquent in his encouragement to the boys to go on, in spite of all difficulties. "I know what it is, boys," he said emphatically. "I had to dig for my own education, but I shore got r er." 583 DISILLUSIONED "I'm getting up a little poker game, Major" invited a friend. "Would you like to join us?" "Sir, I do not play poker." "I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you did." "I was under that impression myself, Sir." —76— 584 THE HORRIBLE ENDING There had been a train wreck and one of two traveling authors felt himself slipping from this life. ^'Goodbye, Charlie," he groaned to his friend. "I'm done for " f Don t say that, Jim, boy," gasped the other in horror. "For Heav- en s sake, don't end your last sentence with a preposition!" 585 WHOLESALE QUANTITIES He— That little brother of yours is a bright boy. He just told me he should expect a quarter if I kissed you. She— The young wretch! You didn't give him anything, did you? Me — Yes, I gave him a dollar in advance. 586 WHAT ABOUT BASKET BALL? Now Herbert," said the teacher, "how many seasons are there?" Do you mean in the United States?" "Yes, certainly." "Two." "Only two? Name them." "Baseball and football." 587 NEVER FORGETS "Good-by " said the little boy. "I've had a very nice time, thank you." ^You don't say so," replied his host, genially. "Yes, i do," said the youngster, seriously. "Always." 588 EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS for a™eedle/ ?y ' ^ ^ " S ° ^ y ° U C ° Uld d ° Se ° ne eye and pass nf ^ b °- " Don \ tanc ' bi * b ° y ' you is fc0 thin > y° u coul d take a drink of grape juice and be used for a tho-mometer." 589 THAT'S DIFFERENT P a?«on f t?e e wSlT lM * ^ r ^ e) ~ Who told 3™ * put that Paperhanger — Your wife. Man of the House (subsiding)— Pretty, isn't it? 590 . NO GATE TENDER wall SSSf the right ° f Way f ° r the ™ sed railroad, "Yes ,» he said, "the line will run right through your barnyard " JiggTred tfpffiJ^ Sr?^ ?* & ° * tf ye want, but I'll be tSu^'^^" thG mght JUSt t0 ° pen the ^ e^ y time a 591 A GREAT OPPORTUNITY A young city couple had just moved into the suburbs and from an upper window the wife was exercising a new pair of field glasses s wt^ Sh % Cried ; : that realtor who told you our house was only a ° w n » r ° W fr0I V? e statlon is ^tting off the train now!" my best .'" anSWered her husband grim1 ^ " hand ™ a stone and I'll do 59 * OF COURSE The teacher was giving the kindergarten class a lesson in natural history Turning to one small tot, she inquired: "What do camels have Mary Jane, that no other animals have?" e ' "Little camels," was the surprising reply. —77— 593 A , . JNLIMITED POSSIBILITIES Abraham — My poy, ver are my glasses ? Isaac — On your nose, fadder. Abraham— Don't be so indefinite. 59 * „ ACCIDENT INSURANCE bay Boss " cried a dark-skinned customer, rushing much perturbed into a store, a no'count boy has threatened my life. Ah craves pro- L"c Lion, "How about a" bullet-proof vest?" queried the man behind the counter. 59 j> NOT INCONVENIENCED "Wuthless. Am' yo' got no razzer-proof collahs?" Finally the orator himself realized -;hat his discourse had been somewhat prolonged. "I beg to be excused if I have detained you too long, he remarked. ha'li ^* at f 1 '" said the v ? ice of the sole remaining occupant of the hall. It has only just stopped raining." 59( j MODEST DEMANDS mpr TfcT ten yearS ?*,'• aPpH - ed f ° r a ;: ° b as grocer ' s b °y for th « sum- Httlelest a Serious " mind2d ^ outh > & ° ^ put Johnny to a ;;Well, my boy what would you do with a million dollars," he asked Oh, ge^I I don t know— I wasn't expecting so much at the start." 597 . PUTTING HER RIGHT A farmer went into a city restaurant and said to the waitress: rep] I m nGW potatoes crea ^sd?" "Sixty crits ; " was the The farmer looked at her for a moment and then exclaimed: tatoes »"' S y ° U C ° uldn,t carry sixty cents ' wo ^th of new po- 59 ^ . VERY SIMPLE youf he e ad?"" (t ° grandfather )- Grandpa, why don't you grow hair on ?S? d Pf— "Well, why doesn't grass grow on a busy street?" Little Girl— Oh, I see; it can't get up through the concrete." 599 MAKING CHANGE Hay and Feed Dealer— "You owe me $3 for oats, Mose, and if you don t pay me I'll have to take your horse " Uncle Mose-" All right, Mista Guggenheimer, an' Ah'll pay you de balance o' de S3 jest as soon as Ah kin." 6 °m rp • u . P00R BUSINESS JUDGMENT exSnTk w, ^ cht , D ° nar WUd hae marrit a WOman wi ' fa ™ in ' experience. She wud hae been a power o' help tae him. MacHaggis-But, mon, he's engaged to a nurse. ^MacTavish-Aye, but he doesn't expect tae be sick all his life, does 601 A . A , IN TWO REELS fu£ yfur e son." eiVed ^^ meSSagG fr ° m hls S ° n at C0lle ^ e: " No ™ n > ™ He replied: "Too bad! How sad! Your Dad." 605 606 —73— QUOTATIONS FROM THE GREAT AND NEAR-GREAT (502 Whate'er there be Df Sorrow I'll put off till Tomorrow, And when Tomorrow comes, why then 'Twill be Today and Joy again.— Bangs 603 To set the cause above xenown, To love the game s.bove the prize.-Newbolt 604 There's small choice in rotten apples. -Shakespeare Oh yet we trust that somehow good Will be the final goal of ill.— Tennyson Words are like leaves; and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.-Pope 607 But hushed be every thought that springs From out the bitterness of things. -Wordsworth 608 Some feelings are to mortals given With less of earth in them than heaven.-Scott aaq What's in a name" That which we call a rose 609 ^y any other name would smell as sweet-Shakespeare 610 The rank is but the guinea's stamp. The man's the gowd for a' that.-Burns 611 To know, to esteem, to love, and then tc >PjJ rt ' c , id Makes up life's tale to many a feeling heart.-Coltridge 612 Drink ye to her that each loves best! And if you nurse a flame That's told but to her mutual breast, We will not ask her name.— Campbell 613 No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close; As the sunflower turns or her god when he sets The same look which she turn'd when he rose.-Moore 614 They never fail who die In a great cause.— Byron 615 In words, as fashions, the same rule will hold, Alike fantastic if too new or old: Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside.— Pope 616 ^^l e ^^^^^ r ^^^^ an In statesmanship 6 To strike too soon is oft to miss the blow.-Tennyson 618 Better to sink beneath the shock Than moulder piecemeal on the rock.— Byron. 619 Love in a hut, with water and a crust, biy Js— Love forgive us!— cinders, ashes, dust.— Keats 620 —79— The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not moved by concord of sweet sounds, Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils; Let no such man be trusted.— Shakespe~e Q91 Every guilty deed Holds in itself the seed Of retribution and undying pain.— Longfellow 622 623 624 625 626 628 629 630 632 633 Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.-Shakespeare For man is man and master of his fate.— Tennyson Of all the causes which conspire to blind Man's erring judgment, and misguide the mind; What the weak head with strongest bias rules,— Is pride, the never-failing vice of fools.— Fope Ah, gentle dames! it gars me greet To think how monie counsels sweet, How monie- lengthened sage advices, The husband frae the wife despises.— Burns The world is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: Little we see in Nature that is ours. -Wordsworth 627 But pleasures are like poppies spread, You seize the flower, its blo>m is shed; Or, like the snow-fa; 1 in the river, A moment white, thsn melts forever.— Burns How oft the sight of means to do ill deeds Makes deeds ill done.— Shakespeare The rose is fairest when 'tis budding new, And hope is brightest when it dawns from fears. The rose is sweetest wash'd with morning dew, And love is loveliest whe 1 embalm'd in tears.— bcott Tis not the whole of life to live, Nor all of death to die.— Montgomery 631 Naught cared this body for vvind or weather When youth and I lived in't together.— Coleridge All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages.— Shakespeare But there's nothing so sweet in life As love's young dream. — Moore 634 He was the mildest manner'd man That ever scuttled ship cr cut a throat.— Byron 635 All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.— Foe 636 A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,— Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty— Shakespeare —80— 637 The great city is that whicl has the greatest man or woman. — Whitman 638 A little learning is a dangerous thing; Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring: There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again. — Pope 639 True humility, The highest virtue, mo:her of them all. — Tennyson 640 Some hae meat and canna eat, And some would eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, Sae let the Lcrd be thankit. — Burns 641 A little fire is quickly trodden out; Which, being suffered, rivers cannot quench. — Shakespeare 642 Where lives the man that has not tried How mirth can into folly glide, And folly intc sin. — Scott 643 Years of love have been forgot In the hatred of i minute. — Poe 644 And truant husband should return, and say, "My dear, I was the first who came away." — Byron 645 Whoever thinks a faultless piece to see, Thinks what ne'er was, nor is, nor e'er shall be. — Pope 646 All who joy would win Must share it — happiness was born a twin. — Byron 647 A man he seems cf cheerful yesterdays And confident tomorrows. — Wordsworth 648 But if it be a sin to covet honor, I am the most offending soul alive. — Shakespeare 649 The way to resumption is to resume. — Samuel P. Chase 650 Peace is always beautiful. — Whitman 651 And better had they ne'er been born, Who read to doubt, or read to scorn. — Scott 652 The best laid schemes of mice and men Gang aft a-gley; And leave us naught but grief and vain For promised joy. — Burns 653 Necessity is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. — Pitt 654 One impulse from a vernal wood May teach you more of man, Of moral evil and of good, Than all the sages can. — Wordsworth 655 woman! in our hours of ease Uncertain, coy, ar.d hard to please, When pain and arguish wring the brow, A ministering angel, thou! — Scott —81— 656 Bliss in possession will not last; Remembered joys are never past; At once the fountain, stream, and sea, They were, they are, they yat shall be. — Montgomery 657 They are as sick that surfei ; with too much, as they that starve with nothing. — Shakespeare 658 And the Devil did grin, for his darling sin Is pride that apes humility. — Coleridge 659 What will not woman, gentle woman dare, When strong affection stirs her spirit up? — Southey 660 For thy sake, tobacco I Would do anything but die. — Lamb 661 'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, And robes the mountain in its azure hue. — Campbell 662 When Time who steals our years away Shall steal our pleasure;; too, The mem'ry of the past will stay, And half our joys renew. — Moore 663 Liberty exists in proportion to wholesome restraint. —Webster. 664 Years steal Fire from the mind as vigour from the limb, And life's enchanted cup out sparkles near the brim. — Byron 665 I love tranquil solitude And such society As is quiet, wise, and good. — Shelley 666 But love is blind, and lovers cannot see The pretty follies that themselves commit. — Shakespeare 567 You have too much respect ipon the world: They lose it that do buy it with too much care — Shakespeare 668 Touch us gently, Time! Let us glide dowr thy stream Gently, as we somet'.mes glk.e Through a euie; dream. — Procter 669 Still from the fount of joy's delicious springs Some bitter o'er the flowers its bubbling venom flings — Byron 670 Oh why should the spirit of mortal be proud? Like a fast-flitting meteor, .i fast-flying cloud, A flash of the lightring, a b;-eak of the wave, Ke passes from life to his rest in the grave. — Knox 671 Life, like a dome of many-c( lored glass, Stains the white rac'iance ol eternity. — Shelley 672 Loveliest of lovely things are they On earth that soone.st pass away. The rose that lives its little lour Is prized beyond the sculptu *ed flower. — Bryant 673 Beauty is truth, truth beauty, — that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. — Keats —82— 674 Silence is deep as Eternity, speech is shallow as Time. — Carlyle 675 The heights by great men reached and kept Were not attainrd by sudden flight, But they while their companions slept Were toiling upward in the night. — Longfellow 676 I sit beside my lonely fire And pray for wis dom yet: For calmness to remember Or courage to forget. — Aide 677 Genius does what it must, talent does what it can. — Lytton 678 And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. — Kipling 679 The lunatic, the ' over, and the poet Are of imagination a'l compact. — Shakespeare 680 Self-reverence, self-knowledge, self-control, — These three alore lead life to sovereign power. — Tennyson 681 Know then thysolf, presume not Go i to scan; The proper study of mankind is man. — Pope 682 A thing of beauty is a joy forever; Its loveliness increases; it will never Pass into nothingness — Keats 683 So precious life is! Even to the old The hours are as a miser's coins. — Aldrich 684 Honor lies in hcnest toil. — Grover Cleveland 685 Ships that pass each ether in the night and speak each other in passing; Only a signal sh:>wn and a distant voice in the darkless; So on the ocean }f life we pass and speak one anotrer, ' Only a look and a voice; then darkness again an:! silence. — Longfellow 686 Harebells and sweet lilies show a thornless growth, But J ;he rose wit'i all its thorns excels them both. — Rossetti 687 All things that are, Are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. — Sl.akespeare 688 How dull it is to pause, to make an end, To rust unburnished, not to shine in use, — As tho' to breathe were life! — Tennyson 689 All are but parts of one stupendous whole, Whose body Nature is, and God the soul. — Pope 690 Then gently scan your brother man, Still gentler sister woman; Though they may gang a keenin' wrang, To step aside is human. — Burns 691 The i hild is father of the man. — Wordsworth 692 To all, to each, a fair good-night, And pleasing dreams, and slumbers light. — Scott —83— 693 Beyond this vale of tears There is a life above, Unmeasured by the flight of years, And all that life is lcve. — Montgomery 694 A mother is a mother still, The holiest thing alive. — Coleridge 695 Love is indestructible, Its holy flame forever burneth; From heaven it came, to heaven returneth. — Southey 696 . To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die.— Campbell 697 Good at a fight, but better at play; Godlike in giving, but devil to pay. — Moore 698 I was born an American; I will live an American; I shall die v.n American. — Webster 699 Oh wad some power the giftie gie us To see oursel's as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, And foolish notion. — Burns 700 Wisdom is oft-times nearer when we stoop Than when we soar. — Wordsworth 701 For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool f himself. — Stevenson 702 Man's love is of man's life a thing apart; 'Tis woman's whole existence. — Byron 7C3 Unblemish'd let me live, or die unknown; O grant an honest fame, or grant me none. — Pope 704 All human history attests That happii.ess for man, — the hungry sinner! — Since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner. — Byron 705 The modest front of this small floor, Believe me, reader, can say more Than many a braver marble can, — "Here lies a truly honest man!" — Crashaw 706 The common curse of mankind, — folly and ignorance. — Shakespeare 707 111 habits gather by unseen degrees, — As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas. — Dryden 708 When Earth's last picture is painted, and the tubes are • twisted and dried, When the oldest colours have faded, and the youngest critic has died, We shall rest, and faith, we shall need it — lie down for an aeon or two, Till the Master of All Good Workmen shall set us to work anew. — Kipling