v^ *#" EX LIBRIS H. B. MAPLETON.M.D. // Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2010 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign http://www.archive.org/details/uncletweazyhisqu01obse L I E> RAFLY OF THL UNIVERSITY or ILLINOIS 82-3 Unl UNCLE TWEAZY AND HIS QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS. Plammer and BrewiSj Printers; Love-lane^ Eastcheap, UNCLE TWEAZY AND HIS QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS A COMI-SATIRIC NOVEL. k-w-v-wv-w IN THREE VOLUMES. BY The Author of the " Observant Pedestrian/ &CC. &c, &c. " Holds to the world a picture of itself, " And raises sly the fair impartial laugh." Thomson's Winter. VOL. L , , LONDON: rRIN'TEI) FOR Vr. SIMPKIN AND R. MARSHALL^ STATION EUS'-COURT, LUDGATE-SIRLET, 1816. t^Tvi UNCLE TWEAZY. CHAP. I. ^ In the centrical part of a small vil- lage,notan hundred and fifty miiesfrom ^tbe capital, resided iny old uncle 5^eter Tvveazy, one of the most petu- lant and unprepossessing of human ^beings, but so eminently endowed ^with the favours of fortune, that not a scgraubhroom-picker or a plough-boy — j)assed his gate, without dropping a ..^ bob- curtsey or a hob-nail scrape and ^a nod, if they could but discover the ^tip of Squire Tweazy's red velvet -*^ VOL. I. B 2 UNCLE TWEAZY. iiight-cap through any window in the house ; or if that was not the case, they mechanically bowed to the gate itself; for they were told always to homage the squire, as he could, when he pleased, be bountiful to the chil- dren of indigence. Petulant beyond all idea, he was lite- rally a living monument of self per- plexity; for having been crossed in love in the early part of life, he had ne- ver forgot the disappointment, and was now in his sixty-fifth year, the most ill-natured man in existence, and cer- tainly one of the most unpleasant companions upon earth. If he frowned, every brow must instantly contract; if perchance he forced a smile, every body must dilate their muscles from a simper to a broad grin ; in short, the whole world must con- form to his humour, though he took especial care never to conform to any body's. UNCLE TWEAZY. 5 One poor slave in the shape of a housekeeper, who had patiently borne the yoke of his troublesome services thirty years, and old Geoffry, who officiated in the united capacities of butler, groom, valet, and gardener, composed the favourites of the fami- ly, with the exception only of Alice the cook, whom he boasted could alike dress him a turtle or potatoe in perfection, a qualification which few women possessed ; and my poor uncle being a great epicure, Mrs. Alice's culinary talents were highly prized by her master, which with the occasional promise of being scratched down in one corner of his will, as a reward f(ir past services, made her doubly diligent. Now. though my uncle was exces- sively morose, he could, when the humour suited, be sociable with his neigiibours; and as every one was B 2 4 UNCLE TWEAZY. aware of his temper, they heeded not his petulance ; all looked upon him as an eccentric being ; the opulent admi- red him for his talents, which at times, when he liked his companions, he could most ably exert; and the indi- gent feared his frowns. So that upon the whole, his virtues counterpoised his vices, temper excepted, which overbalanced all bounds; but as peo- ple used to say, there \vas no know- ing ivho might beconie his heir, (having quarrelled all his life with the major part of his family, my father except- ed,) and I happening to have been a great favourite with him when a school boy, I determined to try my luck with the old gentleman, and accordingly, self-invited, I formed a plan of pass- ing a fortnight with him ; and receiv- ing his most gracious answer and assent, I left London with a full de- termination to hear and forbear, and in thirty hours found myself athis gate. UNCLE TWEAZY, 5 ** How is your master, Geoffry ?" " Much as usual, Sir,'* and Geoffry sighed. I therefore concluded by the doleful cast of his countenance, that all was not right ; however, he opened the parlour door, und in I walked, greeting the old squire, as I thought, very politely. ** How d^ye do, good Sir? I'm rejoiced to see you." " I guessed as much, nephew ; I guessed as much, by your being in too great a hurry to ivipe your shoes, but I can assure you, my servants won't rrjoice at the trouble of clean- ing the hall ; you have made more dirt in one moment, than 1 do in a year." *• I beg ten thousand pardons, Sir." ** Pshaw, boy !" (and he curled up his nose like a snarling dog) ** that's ninehundredandninety-ninetoomany, B 3 6 UNCLE TWEAZY. Why exaggerate? Why talk nit)n- sense?" "Wrong again," said I to myself; *' well, but how do you find yourself, Sir?" and I ventured to take a chair. *' Why, I find myself every thing I should not be; a mere composition of pain and perplexity ; every body and every thing conspires to torment me. How's your father and mother, hey, boy?" " Charming, Sir, I thank you." " Ch-irming?" repeated my uncle with a sarcastic drawl, '' that is im- possible." " I must beg leave to differ from you in that point. Sir; there are not two more worthy people on earth than my father and mother." ** Different people different opi- nions," rejoined my uncle, carelessly taking a pinch of snuff. *' Any new ^ in town, child ?'^ ** Nothing particular, Sir." UNCLE TWEAZY. 7 *' Aye, we live in a sad world ; I'm sick of it." " Very troublesome times, indeed, Sir,' replied I, most humbly acqui- escent. *' Not troublesome at all, if a par- cel of foolish headstrong folks did not trouble themselves with what don't concern them ; but pray don't talk politics in my presence ; it's a sub- ject I detest. Well, but now you haven't told how your father and mo- 'Iher doV' ** Both well, Sir ; they have sent you a turbot, of which they beg your acceptance." '' Humph! Why did they do that, child, when it's the onl^ fish I detest; I can't bear the very name of it." *' Bless me, how unlucky!" ex- claimed I. ** Not at all," replied my uncle; " I shall make a present of it to the B 4 « UNCLE TWEAZY. parson; he woivt think it unlucky, I'll be bound; so it's all mighty well, if it's honestly paid for J' This sarcasm uttered with much gravity, gave my temper a fillip ; but I swallowed the pill, and directing my eye towards the garden, I obser- ved how delightfully pleasant it ap- peared. *' I don't think it looks pleasant at all," said my uncle. ** It's a delightful day, Sir." " By no means ; it's too sultry ; it's going to rain; there's a nasty blight hanging in the air." ** Well, Fm no great judge, to be sure. Sir." '' So it's a sign ; you need not have blown a cracked trumpet." *' Why, Im a cockney to be sure, Sir." ^' So much the better," said my un- cle ; '' an honest cockney can never be a bad man.'* UNCLE TWEAZY. 9 Unfortunately, at this moment I happened to stretch my listless form upon the chair, and slid one of my legs across the marhle hearth. , ** Mercy defend me!" exclaimed my uncle, " is that the new fashioned way of sitting on a chair, or are you inventing caricature postures? See, your shoes are sprawled over my hearth. If I had wanted the polish rasped off in that manner, I could have sent for one of my plough* boys." I begged pardon, withdrew my tru- ant foot, seated myself in an upright posture; but, alas, having assumed the indulgence of lolling my elbow on the table, and drumming a little stave of vexation with my fingers, ** Boy ! boy !" rejoined my uncle, **have a care; see how you are spoil- ing your coat, and ruining my bright table. What, are you making drum- b5 10 UNCLE TWEAZV. sticks of your fingers, on purpose to render them as diiliby as a cobler's ; dear me, how terribly troublesome an miihniking person makes himself for want of a moment's attention." * The flush of vexation crossed my cheek, and I took out my handker- chief to erase the spots, which I be- gan rubbing off. ** Zounds !" exclaimed my uncle, *' why, the fellow's mad ; d'ye think we have not something of less value in the house than a silk handker- chief, to make a dishclout of? Ring the bell ; do, pray, if you can." Not doubting my own abilities, 1 seized the pull and off set such alarum as might have roused the whole village. My uncle jumped up, stamped his feet, stopped his ears, and paced the room like a madman, till the vibra- tion ceased, and old Geoffry stood bowing before him to know what he pleased to want. UNCLE TWEAZY. 11 •' My bearing, my senses, a new pair of drums to my ears," said my uncle; *' I'll tell you what, nephew, in cool blood," (though he foamed with passion,) *' if ever you ring a bell again in such a manner in my house, I'll knock you down ; you'll excuse me, but I shall certainly knock you down." I bowled, and assured him I should for the future be more on my guard. ** I desire you will,'' continued my uncle, '' or else you'll plague my soul out. Here, Geoffry, see if you can find any thing in the house to rub these spots out with, except my best laced ruffled shirt; or if you can't, my ne- phew will lend you the elbow of his new coat, or a silk handkerchief.^' Geoffry withdrew, and I again ad- justed another erect position, but most unfortunately for me, he had left the door open, and my uncle re- b6 15 UNCLE TWEAZY. questing me to shut it, I mechanically slammed it too with ray left hand. " Plague take the fellow !" ex- claimed my uncle, *' I shall run wild. What d'ye mean by banging the door with one hand, as if God had'nt given you two ; one would think that you was a white-smith, trying to spoil all the locks, and wrench off the iiinges to make good for trade. I never saw your equal in my life ; for whether sitting still or moving, you appear to me to be committing perpetual de- predation." Oh, how I wished myself at home! My very chair was planted with thorns ; but I remembered my vow ; '' bear and forbear, rebellions heart !" said I, and this silent soliloquy tran- quillized my rising choler ; but the reflection 1 was to endure it for a fortnight, almost conquered ray de- termination. UNCLE TWEAZY. l3 «%%-%«%% %«-» CHAP. II. AT length, after a pause of some moments, " Nephew," said my imcle, ** if you'll lend me your arm, I'll treat you with a walk round my grounds ; you was always a promi- sing lad, and I hope I shan't be de- ceived in you. I wish to make your time pass pleasantly ; I shall do all in my power to make you comfortable ; I'm an odd man, but I must have my way ; I shall pay well for't in time ; you understand me, boy; all's in your power, if you mind your hits. I haven't made my will yet;' and he winked me a sagacious leer, intima- ting a sort of cobweb promise. 14 UNCLE TVVEAZY. We now proceeded to tlie garden, where, miserable to relate, the high narrow heels of myCordovan Hessians so perforated the damp gravel, that wherever I trod, an nngracions cavity marked the spot, which the vigilant eye of my uncle soon discovered, and he hhlloed with the vehemence of a Stentor, for Geoffry to bring the flat clops, declaring that a mad ox coidd not have done him more mischief. In vain 1 apologized ; he looked as sulky as a bear, and requested I'd pluck him half a dozen peaches; the fruit looked tempting, and I obeyed his command ; but lo, when he came to pinch them, not one was ripe enough to please his palate. ** Psha! what an oaf thou art^ child ! These peaches are as hard as iron; they are not w^orth a " the sentence I must not repeat, though I both heard and felt it. UNCLE TM^EAZY. 15 " I thought they were ripe, Sir,'' and I caj^t a penitent look. " Never think for any body but yourself, Sir," and on sve walked arm in arm, till we came within siejht of a remarkable fine cherry tree, at the foot of which stood a short ladder, which my uncle requested me to as- cend, and gather a leaf-full of cher- ries. Alert as a squirrel, up 1 mounted, and espyinjg^ one bunch loaded with delicious clusters, I fixed my foot on a protruding bough, and ]:ad just §ot the tempting prize in my hand, when from some perverse fate that seemed doomed to attend me, the treacherous basis snapped under my foot, and precipitated me to the ground, bringing with me an immense branch, to which 1 mechanically clun^ for preservation. 16 UNCLE TWEAZY. Stunned with the fall, and smo- thered with the mashed cherries, though I had incurred no other inju- ry, had you seen my uncle's counte- nance, you would never have forgot- ten it ; he stood petrified at the sight of his mutilated tree, but my broken neck or limbs seemed no object of consideration. *' I am not hurt,^^ said I, picking myself nimbly up. ** But my tree is materially inju- red ; you have done me a guinea's worth of damage in a moment." " But I might have broken a limb, which would have been much worse." " You have limbed my finest tree^ however, Sir ; run into the house, and call Geoffry." Off I bounded, but as I had com- mitted so much depredation on the gravel, I ran across the lawn, where I had scarce set foot, when my uncle's UNCLE TWEAZY. 17 terrific vociferation to " come off, come off," arrested my pace. *' What the devil are you gallop- ing like a race-horse over the lawn for ? Go round by the shrubbery, and up the espalier walk, you Sir, d'ye hear?" I obeyed his mandate, and spring- ing from the lawn, I took the premi- sed direction ; but I had not proceed- ed ten yards before the crown of my hat caught the branch of a low stan- dard apricot, and knock oft' a cluster of seven, which rolled in golden balls at my feet. * ** The devil has certainly bewitched me," said I, stooping to pick up the fruit, when a plaguy officious pug dog, who was at that moment making towards me, ran between my feet ; and losing my equilibrium, I pitched heels over head, and dashed ofl'afine young nonpareil espalier at one crash. J 8 UNCLE TWEAZY. Dismayed with vexation, I had on- ly to pjick up the apricots, which I thought most prudent to put out of of sight, by swallowing them as fast as possible ; but with the espalier I could do nothing without the advice and assistance of Geoffry, though, thank heaven, my uncle was out of sight of my dilemma, and being pret- ty expeditious in my motions, 1 soon reached the hall door, where my un- lucky stars again clashed in conjunc- tion, for turoing round rather too sharp, my elbow struck one of the crown glass panes, and shivered it completely. Poor Geoffry stood a statue of asto- nishment and despair. '' Master will never forgive you, Sir for sartin sure; they panes bees a guineas apiece; dear heart! dear heart! what a mishap!" UNCLE TWEAZY. 19 1 then briefly related the accident of the cherry and espalier trees, the latter of which he assured me he would endeavour to repair, provi- ded it did not meet the old gentle- man's eye, " for which reason I shall persuade him to return to the house as fast as possible, for fear of rain," said Geoffry. *^ Is you master always so ill tem- pered and snappish ?" asked I. " I have never seen him otherwise these thirty years," replied Geoffry, as we quickened our pace down the portentous espalier walk, where lay the levelled nonpariel, which he gave me hopes of being able to replace without discovery. " But the pane of glass," continued he, *' how shall we get over that? We must not lay it on the dog ; Master knows better, and never for- gives a lie." We therefore agreed he should fetch the glazier, and I pay 20 UNCLE TWEAZY. the expence, as the best mode of preventing anger. By this time we were in sight of my uncle, who was busily picking off the cherries from the broken branch, and soliloquizing with numerous oaths on my aukwardness in a muttering tone, as we approached. ** Here's a pretty job !'' exclaimed he; here's a pretty concern!" " It might have been worse, Sir,^^ said Geoffry scratching his head. ** The gentleman might have broke his neck ! Lack a daisey, Sir, never rare about it; it has saved me the trouble of lopping ucal autumn ; for it must have come off; it's all seer wood, so of a bad job, I think it turns out a good one." '' What signifies what you think?" replied my uncle. '' I think you talk like an old fool ; clear it away out of my sight ; it will be a memorial to UNCLE TWEAZY. 21 me of my nephew's aukwardness as long as I live." '* This has indeed been one of the perplexing hours of my existence," replied I, " but I hope I shall ])eable, my dear Sir, to make you amends."* " Psha ! that's mighty unlikely," retorted he; *^ and as for hoping about it, hope won't mend my tree ; hopes are cobwebs dangling in the air, possessing just as much substance as their texture." Poor old Geoffry, who plainly dis- cerned the black cloud that deepened his master's brow, and dreaded the second part of the storm, gave me a jog of the elbow, and a significant wink, and with a face of much ear- nest enquiry, thus addressed him : *' Pray, Sir, did you leave the hall door open ?*' " Perhaps I might ; I believe I did ; why, what of that?" 22 UNCLE TWEAZY. " Why then, Sir," continued Geof- fry, winking with both his eyes, '* it has slapped too with the ivind or somehow, and dashed a pane of glass all to shivers/' '' Impossible!" cried my uncle; ''to- tally impossible, if the wind blew a hurricane from every point of the com- pass, it could not break that glass." " But it could slam the door, I suppose," rejoined Geoffry, who had now triumphantly carried his point, *' for I'll swear, please your honour, I found it in that state ; it made noise enough, and neither I or the maids were near it, and you and Mr. Victor were in the garden. So, in short. Sir, it must be your own fault, I'm sure. The gentleman saw all the broken glass, and was as flustered like as I was ; wasn't you. Sir" This appeal demanded as inge- nious a reply as Geoffry had hatched UNCLE TWEAZY. 25 to save anger, and I therefore vehe- mently asserted that I saw the disas- ter, and it really did appear incredu- lous that the luind should have such power, but such causes and effects would occasionally take place in de- spite of all caution. *' Its a mighty strange occurrence," continued my uncle, musing on his cane ; *' there don't seem to be any wind stirring." ** Oh, yes, there is ; and it's going to blow up rain in a few minutes; lauk. Sir, you haven't got your hat on ; you had better return to the house the way you came, and shew Mr. Victor tl^e rest of the grounds to- morrow morning." " Weil, I believe that will be the best way, GeohVy, for I'm horridly bored with perplexities this morning ; come, Victor, give me your arm; there, getiily ! Don't walk so fast ; you'll pull me down.'' 24 UNCLE TWEAZY. We now crept on a funeral pace, he grumbling at his own supposed carelessness, and execrating the wind, I secretly laughing in my sleeve, and admiring the ingenuity of old Geof- fry, who out of three troubles had relieved me of two most consequen- tial ones. The mutilated pane proved the next source of perplexity, and Geof- fry was dispatched down the village to fetch the glazier, who soon repair- ed the damage, and all was right. Dinner shortly after made its ap- pearance, and with it commenced my further vexations.*^ A earphone first stuck in my throat to torment me, and in a paroxysm of strangulation attempting to swallow some beer, I threw it all over the tablecloth. My uncle execrated my aukward- ness, and observed my bread lay on d^e wrong side of my plate, which r UNCLE TWEAZY. %$ those who studied men and manners ought to know ; but some 7i€ver ar- rived at the age of discretion/' With such hke taunts, the fish and fowl was removed for a supply of tarts and jellies, both which I should have managed extremely well, if a new plague, in the shape of a cod- liflg dumpling, (my uncle's most fa- favourite dish) had not made its ap- pearance, to dress which my uncle re- quested me to hand him a little melt- ed butter, which with my usual ala- crity I whipped into the cavity of the dumpling, to the great dismay of my uncle, who precipitately exclaimed, ** It's anchovy sauce, by G — d. Take it out of my sight; clear the table, and let me starve ;" then rising ab- ruptly, *' if you can't say grace, nephew, let Geoffry repeat it over the dumpling." VOL. I. c 26 UNCLE TWEAZY. ** The tureens being rovereff, S?r, I really did not perceive the difference of the sauces. I sincerely beg par-* don; but in my zeal to serve yon I confess I have committed a most pro^ yoking mistake," said I. *' Aye, it's that plaguy zeal, as yoii call it, that does so much mischief. I little thought, when I stood spon- sor for you, what a clumsy fellow you*d make. Vm sure you're old enough to know better; I believe by my chronological book youVe three and twenty." I bowed ; " It's a true bill, Sir, in- deed," ** I'm sorry for it/' rejoined my uncle ; for it bears a very bad stamp for value received.'^ ** Dear Sir. I'm the most volatile leiiow upon earth ; my hearts the very mansion of peace and content, and I would not wiiiiuj^ly injure a UNCLE TWEAZY. 27 \Torm ; Providence has blest me with an eminent share of health, and I dare say I shall never look grave till I'm in love." My uncle groaned! I had forgot myself, and by endeavouring to ex- culpate my error, 1 had launched into a much greater, which nothing but his groan would have brought to my recollection ; and a profound silence in consequence ensued, during which pause I had stedfastly fixed my eyes on my uncle's countenance, which displayed a complete portrait of mis- anthropy : his long white eyebrows shaded his downcast eye half an inch lower than usual; and his protend- ing under lip seemed quivering with some inarticulate sentence, while 1 i?at petriiied at; the visible agitation I had unintentionally caused; at length starting from his reverie : — c 2 fS» UNCLE TWEAZY. ** Love," cried he, " Victor, my boy, is either the supreme source of earthly bliss, or the severest calamity of heaven; to me, alas! perhaps, you know, it has proved an unrooted thorn, rankling my peace of mind, and almost subdumg the principles of philanthropy 1 once possessed ; ^tis that has rendered me petulant, 'tis that has tinctured the cup of life with bitterest gall. Perhaps, you never heard the particulars, but some evening I'll endeavour to relate them as a lesson to you ; till when, don't again start the subject." While I was thanking him for his intended confidence, to which I pro* mised to pay strict attention, a loud ringing at the gate announced the ar- rival of some visitor, which broke the thread of an interesting subject, by Geoffry's announcing Dr. Tonic. UNCLE TWEAZY. 29 CHAP. TIL IMAGINE a man of the middling stature, a complexion truly Egyptian, embellished by two black eyes, not a pair, for one was constantly screwed up like an old woman's money box, in consequence of a defect in the sight; a pair of enormous black bushy eye-brows, and a mouth wide enough to have swallowed his own pestle and mortar ; though, in fact, beside eatins^y its chief employment was to retail all the news of the vil- lage, which the Doctor collected and disbursed wholesale; a black coat striped waistcoat, brown inexpressi- bles a»d boots, subjoined to a snug G 3 50 UNCLE TWEAZY. brown bob wig, and a cocked hat, which tending to add fierceness to ugliness, completed his figure. A violent hem ! hem ! (loud enough to have raised instant annihi- lation to a nervous patient) and a profound bow added to half a dozea swaggering professional steps, brought him to my uncle's side. *' How d'ye do, Sir ? How d'ye do to-day?" And down he sat sniffing his nose, snapping his eyes, and distorting his features with a variety of nervous catches and gestures, during which operation he had fixed his eye in- tently on me, which my uncle ob- serving, said : " That's my nephew Victor, just arrived from London, to spend some time with me." The Doctor bowed. ** How d'ye do, Mr.* Victor? I thought I discern. UNCLE TWEAzr; 3r evith five mourning rings, which he constantly wore as badges of respectj sacred to the merits of his profession) c4 $% I^NCLE TWEAZY* Were applied to the vibration of my uncle's pulse. ** Why, you'll live to be ninety, squire; your pulse possesses the vi- gour of youth; but pray take your cough linclus ; I'll send you another pot.' **I won't touch it, by G— d ; I can't bear the sight of it. Don't I always tell yon, Doctor Tonic, you and I should be much better friends, if you would not bore me to death with your medicine. Physic the whole parish, and welcome ; but you nor any man alive shall physic me. Nature gave me the cough, and na- ture's like to take it avvay." '* Well, well ; hem ! hem ! every man in his humour," answered the Doctor; ** I only spoke for your relief," and his cheek assumed a brickdust tinge. tNCLK TWIAZV. 93 ** Why don't you prescribe yon? self a glass of Madeira F* said my uncle ; ** ftU the Doctor a bumper, nephew.*' I obeyed ; the Doctor cocked his game eye at it ; clicked his tongue, nodded iiis approbation, sipped again, and then finished it in a islow gulph. " Capital I capital I the best wine I*ve tasted a hmg time. Hem! hem! had some tolerably fair though at the young fox-hunter's t'other day ; egad ! Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among eeveii of us. Hem ! hem ! | retty fair dose ; had a d— d head-ache next morning; took a little hiera picra; got myself all alive again; tough, Sir, tough ;" and the Doctor be^an to unbutton hi>^ coat, and swell a httle. ** Wasn't a partaker of the sports of the field, because I was en- gaged attending Lady Faddle's whit- low ; but I do assure you I made up CO 34 UNCLE TWEAZY. for it over the haunch ; fat three in- ches i^ite^, upon iny soul, and-every mo'uli)fnl fla\onre{i by a glass of cla- ret; and if, by the bye, \Ae should ever be fortunate enough to have a heir in the family, the squire swears he'll dress a turtle on the occasion, and have the boy christened in the shell afterwards, llah ! hah! hah." ** Come, come, to order, Doctor," said my uncle ; ** don't laugh so loud; 1 ee'nt in the humour to laugh ; help yourself to another glass/* The Doctor didn't want twice asking, but tossed down another bumper; then turning to my uncle, and applying his mouth close to his ear, he in an audii)le whisper exclaim- ed, ** iiave you heard Miss P 's adventure with the young officer?'' ** Not I ;" answered my uncle peevijrhly ; *' I never attend to any body's adventures but my own, and UNCLE TWEAZY. 35 that's quite enough for any man, Fm suie *' Nay, but my good Sir,'' resumed the Doctor, ** a man cannot stop his ears." ** But perhaps you could for him,' interrupted my uncle ; *' for I'm sure if you roar as loud to every body as you do to me, you're enough to stun a whole parish." ; '' Well, well ; hem ! hem ! Ill mo- dulate my tone," continued the Doc; tor, ** for I must tell you the news*; pf course, you know there was a ball last night at the Dolphin ?" My un- cle nodded. ** Well, S r, Mis^s P was there in her usual style of flirtation, and egad ! picked up a young officer of draij^oons, who Inppened to he a sor journer at the D«ilp!iiii, nwd danred with him the whole evening; 1 ist her shoe, fainted away in hjs unis twice c 6 .J 36 UNCLE TWEA2Y. (for the pleasure of being restored by his caresses, as every body allowed,) and in short, rendered herself ex- tremely ridiculous. Well, Sir, but how did it finish ?" " Why how the d 1 should I know?" exclaimed my uncle. " Then, Sir, I'll just explain. When the ball broke up, it happened to be four o'clock in the morning, and of course, the captain could do no less than see his fair partner safe home; he had tied his fine cambric handker- chief over her head to prevent cold, and just as they reached her father's door, before they rapped ; observe you, before they attempted to lift the rapj)er ; Sir, my gardener unex- pectedly crossing an opposite style, espied the Captain in the very act of — " Here tb« Doctor was seized with a sudden tickling in iheeesopba- gus ; from what cause I could not de- foe. VNCtS TWEA25t». 37 " Why, the story seems to choak you, Doctor," said luy uncle sarcasti- cally ; " you had better not explain any farther clap a plaister over the sore part.'* ** There happens to be no sore part in the case," replied the Doctor; ^' but as I was observing, the Captain was in the act of .^' Ag^in the tickling strangled the remainder of the sentence, which so provoked my uncle, whose patience and credibi- lity were alike exhausted, that he pe- tulantly exclaimed : " 1) the act, as you call it, and the cough too; whyen liberty by broad day-light; the very sun slione upon them at the moment," ** What moment?" said my uncle, staring: aghast. ** Why, at the very moment, be was iissing her hand, after drawing off her glove, \^hich my gardener posi^ lively saw him put into his pocket. There now, what d'ye think of that? what do you think of that? hey I squire, hey?" **Wheugh!" cried my uncle, set- tirg up a whistle of derision, *' if that's the summnm-bonnni of the story, 1 am clearly of opinion it's one of your villftge judges ; you'll excuse tNCLE TWEAZt. 3^ ire ; bnt in the first place, I never heliere u hat I heaVy and always c/o«^^ -Mhat I ste'' *' Hem ! hem ? that's heinjic inrre- *dnlons with a vensreance," reported the Doctor, piqned at the dishelief of .hi8 captions anditor ; *' however, what 1 have a>serted is fact; my Daniel -can prove it. I had it from him." , *' Then give it hin) hack," said my -uncle, ** and, harkye me! tell him he's an old fool to gabhie about a pack of 43oys and girls ; if he'd been dig2:iiig in yonr garden, he'd havt^ bef^n much better employed. Now, I warrant '5^on have spread this pretty tale as thick as yon would the cantharides on a blister. I'll be bound every child in the pnrish knows it; and so, between physic and scandal, v-ou con- tinue to pick a living, by jiiv king Others. Don't be so professional ; l>ling footstep of my uncle sound- ing on the stairs, made me close the book, and offer him the salutation of the morning. " How ha^jB youslefh:, Sir ?" said I. ** Never worse; Fve been pinched to pieces with the cramp." I expressed my sorro.w at the intel- ligence, biit no soft reply seemed to palliate my aukwardness, or seal my pardon ; for he looked as cross as a cat in a passion, when her ears lay horizontal, and she spits at her enemy most ungracious. Breakfast was immediately served, and my uncle nuimped his French roll still sullen; I ventuted to start several subjects, hut n?vne agreed with his humour; for liis Ofdy rep'y was a laconic snap of " like en()n;;h ;" ** may be so;'' "slioul I not wonder;*' expressions which, in my opinion, al- 45 UNCLE TWEAZY. ways tend to quash a subject, but never offer an encouragement The breafast equipage had not been removed five minutes before Doctor Tonic presented himself at the gate. % " Here comes old Pose-um \vith some fresh species of scandal," said my uncle; *' I just wish he was an hundred miles off; for Tm not in the humour to listen to his gabble." The Doctor made his entre as usual, hem — hemming, winking, snif- fling, bowing, and how-d*ye-doing , then slapping me on the shoulder, *' you're a sad chap, Mr. Victor ; you filled my gla^s too often ; got a wretched head-ach this morning. Hem! hem! don't know how I got home Mrs. Tonic read me a pretty curtain lecture, I assure you. Hem! hem ! I just called to say we shall be glad of your company to meet a little UNCLE TWEAZY. 49 party to-morrow ; dinner on table at three precisely ; village hours to be sure ; but we medical men must make our meals conform to our engage^ ments; we'll make you heartily weU come ; my house is liberty hall. A-pro- pos! I must introduce yon to my sons, two clever dogs ! fiue fellows ; Tonics to the back bone; chips! family chips! Sir, yes, yes, they've fL'athered their nests well, I promise you ; let my son Bob alone for a marksman; got a nice girl for his wife and plenty of the needful ; a Brooinfitld one stick and stiver, tight little heiress ; no bad catch, hey ?" " A very happy man, Sir, no doubt," said I. *' Aye, happy as a lark! Prospe- rous profession; d d clever dog! be a physician very shortly. Yes, yes, the Tonics are the family to get cash ; why now there's my second VOL. I. D 5^ VNCLE TWEAZY. son, Dick, what has he done for him- self? Married a ten- thousand pound- er ; there's luck for you ! But then, he's a sharp shrewd ftllovv; wit and ability at his finger*s end ! In short, he's a Tonic, and I should not wonder if my girls were to be as fortunate in a pair of coronets. Who knows what may happen ?'* The Doctor now drew his watch ; ** Hey-day [ I've exceeded my time ; my horse is waiting," continued the Doctor. " Good morning, gentle- men ; you'll pilot your nephew, squire ; beef and bottle at three, re- member;" and in a censequentia full trot he left the room, crossed the hall, and swung his tail out of the gale l\h a twinkling. ** The Doctor," said I, ** se^^nia }jrim full of family consequence ; he neemed determined to let me know what company I was going to be ii^- Iroduced to," 17NCLE TWEA2Y. Si ^* The Doctor don't want for pride,*' replied my uncle; ^* it's an hereditary legacy that devolved from his family, with the addition of a disorder called the horse mania, with which they were all individually afflicted; for so long as the Doctor could but ride,. it was all he cared about; racing, trotting matches, or hunting, he was always cock of the game ; but as he advanced in years, the infection aba- ted ; and the J)octor now contents himself with a knife and fork and a bottle at any table in the parish; but come, boy, let us equip ourselves for a ramble round the village, and I'll introduce you to some of my neigh- bours." My uncle now dashed off his red night-cap, and retired with Geoffry to his dressing-room, while 1 sprnci- fied myself to encounter the killing eyes of Miss filizetta Tonic and all p 2 UNIVEHSITY Of ILUUQl^ UBRARt 52 UNCLE TWEAZY. the village belles, who were no doubt bent upon quizzing the young cock- ney; but as my heart was extremely independent and perfectly in my own keeping, I sallied forth like a second Achilles, invulnerable, as I thought, at all points. No sooner was my uncle dressed, than he dispatched old Geoffry with the turbot as a present to the rector, adding his compliments, and heshould call on him in the course of the morning; but before we attempt to start for our peregrination, I must give you the portrait of my uncle just emerged from the duties of his dress- ing closet. He was habited in an apple green coat, an embroidered waistcoat, black satin inexpressibles, fastened at llie knees by gold buckles, a pair of which, in a quadrangtilar f<:rni, grace UNCLE TWEAZY. 5% mented with three gold enamelled sli- ders, surmounted by an a.nber head, the centre of which was adorned by a superb ruby, and was the terri- fic talisman of every crying child and dog ill the village ; a small low-crown- ed hat, (whose rim partook of no shape either round, three-cornered, or square, but something in, the simili- tude of a wurped oval pye dish,) bound with a narrow gold lace, was squeezed on over a full powdered tye wig, to which was attached a small bag, which positively rendered him a complete Bond-street caricature in the semblance of some famous tooth- drawer, while, as I contemplated his figure, I blessed my stars that I was not compelled to sport such a com- panion in the public walks of Lon- don ; for in fact I felt such strong sensations of risibility influencing every muscle, that 1 dared not look D S4e UNCLE TWEAZY. him in the face for several minutes, till I had conquered the troublesome convulsion of an inward chuckle. At length off we marched arm in arm, but as usual, I walked too fast ; I sprung like a doe ; 1 scampered like a penny postman ; I walked like the motion of a sedan chair, because from the length of my step I heaved my body in such a violent manner that my uncle declared I lifted him off the ground at every jerk. I beg- ged pardon (concluding my perplexi- ties were again beginning, and morti- fied that at the age of twenty-four I should not know the proper use of my legs, without my uncle's back- string as a check,) and of course wil- ling to endeavour to please, I slack- ened my pace, and we proceeded to- wards a handsome red brick house, which my uncle pronounced to belong to Mr. Prolix, the village lawyer. UNCLE TWEAZY. 55 with whom having trifling business, we called to adjust, and were intro- duced by young Penna- Poly graphs the smirk engrossing clerk, into a sort of cat-swing office, crammed with all the quill and parchment treasures of the owner, who was counting over six and eight-pence from the hands of a poor peasant for a threatening letter, three halfpence of which he refused taking, declaring them bad, " accor- ding to law ;'^ but our unexpected appearance settled the difficulty in one moment, and the poor client was ordered to withdraw, while Mr. Pro- lix silently pocketed the fee without demur. My uncle, in his usual unceremo- nious way, abruptly introduced me, and Mr. Prolix in return bowed with stately consequence: he was a tall lusty man, of swarthy complexion, a short pug nose turned up close be- D 4 S6 UNCLE TWEAZY. tween his eyes, and stuck in the ca- vJty of a pair of cheeks that gave him the appearance of a brown cherubim, such as I have seen carved. in oak over the altar piece of a country church ; he begged us to be seated, (probably that we might take up less room,) and after a few minutes confer- ence on matters that did not concern me, we arose to take our departure. " You 11 take a glass of bounce this morning, good Sir ?^' said Mr. Prolix addressing my uncle with a low query countenance, mingled with the hopes of a negative. '* When did you ever know me do such a thing?'' replied my uncle; ^^ No, no, I've no opinion of your morning dram drinkers ; excuse me, but it*s no c()n)pliment; it's a mere insult to nature ; keep your bounce, Master Prolix, it sha'nt bounce me. Your servant, your servant. How's UNCLE TWEAZy. 57 Mrs. Prolix and the youiio: ** cbe- rnbim and *5eraphims,'* for niethink^, **they Gontinnally do cry," whenever I come into the house; aye, there's your nursery peal romu encing ; good niurnins;! ijjood niorninsj!'' Mr. Prohx, whose bronze cheek mantled witli a tincture ofindigna- tion, made no reply, but with a ?iul!en bow conducted us to the door, and on we marched. *' Why, you touched the lawyer pretty sharp, Sir,*' said I, as we walk- ed on. ** Yes, I bounced at him, sure enough ; he knew he couhl not af- front me more, thouj>h lie has repeat- ed the question fifty times. 1 hope I have now Nhanied him out of it ; a glass of liquor n);iy do lo bamboozle the wils of a clodhopper^ l)ut he for- gets who he's dealing with when he talks to me." T> 5 5S UNCLE TWEAZY. ** Is he clever in the profession?" asked I. ** Oh, yes, he's a tight hand at a will; for instance, he can entangle a major and minor legacy ^vitll the dex- terity of a spider, and like Harlequin, transform an old woman's plum cake bequest into a chancery mess of law pottuoe, by bringing the infant's noble to nine-pence ; and the adults nine- pence to nothing; so much for lau\ equity oui of the question; zounds, I hate lawyers as I hate the " My uncle had scarce finished his ejaculation, when the rector came in sight, and we improved our pace to greet him. '* Here comes one of the best men living,'* said my uncle, and in a moment their hands joined in re- ciprocal union. " The Reverend Dr. Mark well,'* raid my uncle, introducing the vene- rable divine; "ray nephew, Victor, UNCLE TWEAZY. 69 good Doctor, whom you've so oftea heard me mention as an unruly dog of a school boy, but I believe he can hold a Latin confab with your reverence in tolerable style." Doctor Markwell, the express image of benignity in form and fea- ture, pressed my hand in the most friendly manner, and assured me he augured much pleasure in the pros- pect of my society, and concluded by observing his library was at ray ser- vice during my residence in the coua- try, which he hoped I sliould avail myself of whenever agreeable; and tomorrow,*' added the worthy man, ** I shall have an arqui-sition to my family by the nrrival of a young lady, who is placed by her guardian uny lialf guinea l:a(l been oc- ca?iionailv drav>n wiili much pomp on* e a \ear as a present lo her oni^ hdr and namesake, nnder t! e assii*- ranee |h">t it v>as theeariust '>{fnlure favours, wliirh at her den;ise \>a> t<> CO n > 1 1 1 n I e ' '5/; /w ( / / ing. very u a u cfsi m ^," M'hi< h ^ometliiu^ aiLonnted to a ievy old l«iir(>N^ s, Marks, aii for life in the immense 5wmoffd«\ pounds per a-num, sub- ject at the dect aijC of h m and hi^ heirs, to rt\ert to I he said ?vlr. Wind- fall, whom sl'.e nominated trustee of this splendid bequest, much to the surprize of tlie whole village, who bad heard her subtle promises, and UNCLE TWEAZY. OS repeatedly congratulated the young heir apparent, who, as the last of the family, and son of her favourite (but equally misled) nephew, had an un- doubted claim both on her conscience, honour, and gratitude, had she pos- sessed either. Such was the woman, for I knew her well; and such the characters we are doomed to meet with in the world! Aye, Victor, my boy, those lessons of experience are very painful tasks to learn, but they bear a great moral." '* It is indeed, Sir," replied I, *' a great pity that our follies should stamp a blot on tlie tablet of that me- mory which should most revere our virtues; but so it often happens, througli some idle caprice of the mo- ment, or insinualing artifice of sudor- dinatc foes'' y..y uncle grated his cane along the sandy road in deep rumination fur at (J6 tJNCLE TWEAZY. least twenty yards; then suddenly pausing, and striking it vehemently on the ground, exclaimed, *' I have th^s moment tixed upon my heir, but I shall leave him an Irish legacy." ** I don't exactly comprehend your meaning, Sir," replied I. ** Why, Sir,^' resumed my uncle, ** I mean to give it him in ray life time, that I may have the pleasure of seeing how he prospers; if he makes ducks and drakes of it, I shall know better how to dispose of the remain- ing crumbs; if he proves what my hopes and wishes should hare, I shall d:e in peace, witl» the glorious satis- faction of knowing I have promoted his happiness, and rewarded his vir- tues by the comforts of prosperity, iujproved by his own diligence and prudence." I don't know how it was, but I heaved an involuntary sigh, an in- UNCLE TWEAZY. •? lerested one it certainly was, for my uncle had drawn such a picture, that I wished it my own portrait ; but alas! I well knew I had little chance of success; and yet his momentary ejaculation puzzled me. A few mi- nutes more brought us to the post office, where my uncle procured a shillings-worth of halfpence ; " be- cause," said he, ** whenever I go through the village, I pay toll to every child I see with a clean face, by which means, (as my rambles are extremely uncertain in their period,) there's scarce ever a smutty infantine face in the parish, as you will present- ly see." The post-master smiled, and ob- served, that the appearance of my un- cle always spread such a contagion of emulative cleanliness through the village, that in two minutes after the first little pair of eyes espied him, 6B X7NCLF TWEAZY, every pump was in requisition ; and so it proved; for we soon afier met above tweuty just returned from sciiooi, at all of whom my uncle scowled iiis eye-brows with a half- suppressed smile, as he dropped the expected halfpenny to each, one boy excepted, wliom my uncle pinched by the ear, exclaiming, *' you're a slovenly rogue ; you've not got a cop- per face." The boy stared, and mechanically stroking his chin, as if io feel its composition ; " I'm sure I'se got a feace," said he. ** Yes," returned my uncle, '* you have got a rare dtrti/ J ace,*' then sha- king his cane at hitn, *' go along home, you nasty fellow ; there's no halfpenny for you.** The disappointed boy sneaked off with slow and sullen pace, hoping, tJNCLE TWFAZY. 6^ as lie leered over his slioulder, to be calhd hack; but he uas mistaken. My uncie never broke his word, by which means his advice or punish- ments were both efi'ective. 70 UNCLE TWEAZY, CHAP. VL WE had not proceeded far before we met the carriage of Lady Lustre, ^^'ho would take no denial to our get- ting in and returning home with her, which politeness compelled us to doj and in a few minutes we found our- selves seated in her hospitable man- sion, where a salver of fruit, sand- wiches, and negus was placed be- fore u«. The urbanity of her manners, the sensil)iiity of her conversation, the engaging gentility of her address, all be>p<:ke Lady Lustre the woman of education ; and though now in her grand climacterick, her company was UNCLE TWEAZV. 71' as fascinating as in the days of her youlh ; no uncouth county dialect, no garrulity marked her con\ei>ation ; she had been bred in the school of gentility, of which slie was stili head pupil, and never was a more agree- able hour thar^ we passed in her so- ciety ; she had selected a little mu- seum of natural and Asiatic curiosi- ties, in which her taste was eminently displayed, and afforded to a lover of antiquity great amusement ; we were also treated with the inspection of a pearl cabinet, richly ornamented with superb oriental chin«, which, with a pair of mi gnificent globes,^ a choice library of the most valuable authors, and collection of pictures from the most ceic brated |)eiicils, with a port-folio of proof engravings, con- stituted the amusement of the visitor, and dii^played the genuine taste of the owner. 72 0NCLE TW£AZY. My uncle observed her Ladyship had made a very short ride. " I have,' replied she, " but I shall extend it bye and bye, for to say the truth, I went to call on one of my cottage pensionere, whom I found in the straw, something downcast at (he arrival of two little strangers in- stead of one, as she is already the mother of five ; and it is to order some caudle, a few requisites, and some broth for the children, that I have hastened back ; but I shall call again in the evening, and I hope to find her in better spirits." I saw a tear of feeling start in my uncle's eye, and slipping a guinea into the hand of Lady Lustre, he en- trealeilities equal to the in- struction of private pupils, in which capacity she had been engaged seve- ral years; when one day I acciden- tally pointed out to her notice a most beuotifnily expressive passage in a play o{ Shakespear, she negligently, in her flirting way, threw the book aside, declaring, "she detested blank verse, for, to say the truth, she could nei- ther react it properly, nor comprehend it at ail." '' And ibou art a gover- ness,'' said I to myself, as in disgust I snatched it from the table ; while, fantastically drawing a comb from her pocket, she placed herself before the glass, and flirted it through her hair, which, with all imaginable va- nity, she braided and twisted into UNCLE TWEAZY. 93 due form, then, drawing her chair to ail inch in full view of her imagined charms, threw her listless form into a fashionable sprawl before the mir- ror, where the c(»nstant direction of her eye was always fixed, denoting the weakness of her untutored mind. Such was the instructress of arro* gance and/z/V^, the only science she had ever studied, or reqi'ired perfec- tion in, as her abilities never em- powered her, with the art of instruc- tion, superior to the common abece- daricm; but while she could hold up her head, read a litUe, write a Hilley and dance a little, shejanciect herself a i(overness equal to any establish- ment; though, as to any or all of the fine arts, she was a most perfect stranger, except that of vonity^ in which she was an eiuinent prt'ticient; and happy the pupd who escaped such instruction," 94 UNCLE TWEAZY. ^■VV^W^'VW CHAP. VIII. AT this moment a whiskey stop- ped at the gate, and a servant pre- sented a card of polite inquiry from Mr. and Mrs. Hen peck, the latter of whom had taken the reins from a lit- tle snuffy ruby nosed man, of crinisoH countenance; and my uncle, putting on his gold-laced nondescript hat, went out to speak to them, request- ing me to follow him. Alter a score of ** how-d'ye-does/* and shaking hands so violently, I thought they'd have either pulled my uncle into the chaise, or he pulled the little man out, '' Is that there gentleman your nevee, Mr. Tweazy ?" UNCLE TWEAZY. 95 said the lady, screwing up her eyes, and confidently peering in my face. " Yes, that's Victor St. AHjan, sure enough," replied my uncle. ** Sir," continued the lady, drag- ging up her yellow colioppy throat with an extra stretch, " I shall be proud to see you at my house. Mr. Hehpeck, my luve, why don't you tell the gentleman so : any friend of Mr. Tweazy must be agreeable to you, while they are so to meT *' I was just going to ask the gen- tleman's company," answered the man, whom necessity compelled to like every thing his wife did: " I'm sure I shall be very happy to enter- tain him the best in my power." '' Oar power, my lovey, you mean: recollect, you're not a hacheldor now; and therefore, Mr. Henpeck, my dear, you should say we^' — replied Madam Xantippe. 96 UNCLE TWEAZY. " I stand corrected, ray dear," an- swered her supple slave. ** No, you don't," cried my uncle ; ** you sit corrected : so, take my ad- vice; alight a few minutes, and take a walk round my garden ; I want to shew you my melon bed, and give you a little fruit." Mr. Henpeck cast a wistful look at his rib for her kind permission ; who instantly answered, *' He must not touch fruit for the world, nor walk upon the grass for fear of cold ; for Doctor Tonic had ordered him a peculiar regiment; and therefore, as his wife and nurse, she could not suf- fer him to get out of the chaise." '' Well, well ! my love, I'll do just as you /?/ea5e, deary." '' Aye, to be sure," said Mrs. Hen- peck: then drawing up her reins, she wished us good-morning; observing, she should send us a card in the UNCLE TWEAZY. 97 evening; and flogging up the old horse, who seemed as compliant to her lash as his master, they were soon out of sight. " Heavens protect me,'* exclaim- ed my uncle. " See what you're to come to ; prepare for Master Hy- men's trammels. Poor Henpeck! I wish to God I could inspire him with a proper portion of spirit to counter- act the tyranny of his despotic wife: he's a man of very genteel property, and very clever in his business ; and might have died, as he lived, a happy bachelor, hadn't the charms (personal or mental, I cannot define which) of the fascinating Widow Would-a-more captivated his invulnerable heart, and Tanquished all his neutral determina- tion of leading a life of celibacy; and therefore, by the widow's persuasions, he metamorphosed himself into that VOL. I. F OS UNCLE TWEAZY. happy being be calls a busbaud ; for, blessed with so sweet, so enoafriiior a wife as Xantippe Heupeck, how can he be otherwise ! But, however, I'll treat you with a specimen of their ways and manners, by accepting ti.eir invitation ; where you will iiiid a hos- pitable board, and every thing in pre- cise style; for Mrs. Henpeck rules over every concern, from the attic to the basement; in which department her loving husband never interferes, and knows no more of his household concerns, and the necessaries or umie- cessaries of his family, than he does how many feathers compose his pil- low : all he has to do is to supply his wife with plenty of the threadneedle rags, of which she well knew there was no want when she condescended ' to bestow her hand where her iyife- rest best directed such a sacrificey UNCLE TWEAZY. 99 and thereby dubbed Mr. Henpeck the happiest of men. But you shall judge, Victor, for yourself.'^ My uncle's watch now reminded us it was time to retire, and dress for Dr. Tonics dinner party, who, din- ing, as he observed, at the unfashion- able hour of three, did not allow us much time to adorn for conquest, as my uncle styled it; who, jocosely touching my elbow as we walked side by side up the spacious stair- case to our respective dressing- rooms, observed, if I had but the happy invention of tying my neck- cloth in some peculiar mode, totally different to the rest of the world, I should be as immortalized as Shake- speare's mulberry-tree, and set the village fashion for the remainder of the year. '' I'll allow you also," continued he, " to bounce and stretch a little in every point where your dis- f2 100 UNCLE TWEAZY. cretion may point out a retributive attack: you must therefore consider yourself at a masquerade, and make your consonant repartees according- ly ; for, I assure you, you \\\\\ find a most motley group of the ** Would" le-crreats" and the " What-we-aresJ* but not many of the '* What-we-have" heens ; " because it's not the fashion to analyze genealogy in the present day. Exert your energies, and let the whole squad see you're my own boy Victor, and not a mushroom raised from a dunghill by the powerful suq» shine of fortune. You comprehend me, I'm sure." "We now separated, and, in about half an hour, met again, each equip- ped, and ready to start for our en- gagement. My uncle now surveyed me from bead to foot; for, having paid some attention to his wishes, 1 had arran- UNCLE TWEAZY. lOl ged my hair in a few peculiar turns, and tied my neckcloth in a very smart full rose, which I had taken no little pains to crimp up into due form, twisting the ends, in the similitude of a plat, round my neck: this, with the eccentricity of my quizzing-glass hung round my neck with a purple ribbon, and immense broad ribbons in my shoes, I stood before him, in my own idea, a perfect Bond-street puppy ! " Have I properly obeyed your orders, Sir?" asked I. " Exactly," replied he; '* you have conjured that tippy bow under your chin in curious style." I could not forbear smiling, for ray soul, at the contrast we made, as I regarded his neckcloth, which, in the perversity of the antique style, hung, in two dangling ends, to the bottom f3 102 UNCLE TWEAZY. of his waistcoat, which, with the ad- dition of his gold-laced hat and an- cestorial cane, equipped him in his style, which none presumed to imi- tate, nor did I dare reprove, wisely considering the adage of '* Prithee, Tom-fool," kc. UNCLE TWEAZY. 103 CHAP. IX. MY uncle now led the way, and we found ourselves very shortly close under the well-known pestle and mor- tar at the Doctor's shop door; where he most graciously receiving, con- ducted us to the dining-room ; the doo^ of which throwing wide open as the hinges would stretch, he, with a tremendous hem, hem, hem! thus announced us to a room full of com* pany :— " Ladies and gentlemen, my re- spected friend Mr. Tweazy, and his nephew, Mr. Victor St. Alban." Then advancing to a lady, who filled the pre- eminent chair, he thus suc- f4 104 UNCLE TWEAZY, cessively introduced us to the whole group: — Mr. and Mrs. Fungus, Mr. and Mrs. Prolix, Mr. and Mrs. De- posit, Mr. Faddle and the Widow Quiz, Mrs. Tonic, ]\Iiss Elizetta To- nic, Miss Georgina Tonic, and, stuck behind the door on a high stool, was perched, "My son, Bob Tonic;" whOy distending his nostrils as wide as na- ture would permit the extent, seemed like a sagacious pointer smelling at fresh game, as he fixed his large black bolus eyes full on my face. Reciprocal compliments having subsided, two more chairs were wedged against the wainscot, and down upon them we squeezed our- selves, like fourteen larks stuck upon a skewer for a dog-day roast, in a low ceilinged room, divided only from the effluvia of jalap and as^afoetida by a thin partition, against whose an- tique wainscot hung specimens of the UNCLE TWEAZY, 105 Miss Tonics' abilities in embroidpred dogs, cats, pheasants, and fruit; ^hile the black hearth was adorned with an immense bow-pot, containing all the flowers in the parish, stuck into a large electuary jar ; the perfume of which redundant nosegay, or the hroumjar, I know not whic/i^ so hor- rified Mrs. Deposit, she was obliojed to leave the room, conducted by Bob Tonic to the revival of the hartshorn bottle ; but an old woman coming in, almost at the moment, to have a tooth drawn, Mrs. Deposit, terrified at the idea of the operation, was obliged \o return to tiie dining-room, from Tvhence, at her request, the hlooming composition of fragrance was instant- ly removed ; but, unfortunately, be- fore the servant could close the d ^or, a large tabby-cat made his entree M'ith family familiarity, which so F 5 106 UNCLE TWEAZY. alarmed the delicate nerves of Mrs. Fungus, that she uttered a loud shriek, which was responsively echo- ed by the old woman in the shop, in the agonizing wrench of extracting her decayed stump, much to the an- ger of the Doctor, who had deputed JBob to perform the business, and brushed into the shop, reprobating the patient in terms so stentorial, that they were distinctly heard through the wainscot, to the follow- ing effect : — " What are you making such a d — d racket about — eh? Don't you know I've got a house full of com- pany, and every window open? If I'd known you'd have been such a weak old fool as to squall out in that man- ner, you should have borne the pain till to-morrow, I promise you.'* *' How could I help it. Sir?" re- plied the patient: ** I thought as UNCLE TWEAZY. 10? how Mister Bob had scrnnshed my jaw-bone." " 'Drot your jaw-bone!'* answer- ed the furious Doctor. " How dare you say such a thing? My son Bob's the best tooth-drawer in England ; and I think, after walking the hospi- tals for tivo years, and extracting a dozen teeth from dead bodies^ he ought to know something about it." " To be sure, Sir," said the wo- man: ** but then, Sir, you know as how as dead bodies could not feel, by reason of which they could not scream ! " The Doctor was silent ; for the woman's argument was not to be re- futed. *' Pay your shilling, and go about your business: my son Bi)b's got something better to do than stand bothering here all day." — The woman obeyed the command; the shop door f6 108 UNCLE TWEAZY. slammed to ; and the Doctor return^- ed to the company, who jocosely ral- lied him about scolding his patient so inconsistently. " She'd no business to scream/' said the Doctor. ** She'd a right to scream," replied my uncle: *' she felt excruciating pain, if you didn't; and, therefore, how could she help it? ' " Bob drew it as easy as an old shoe," continued the Doctor. " So he might," said my uncle; " but he did notjeel the agony." ** No, to be sure," cried Mr. Pro- lix. *' My poor girl, Lavinia, had a tooth extracted not a week ago; and, egad ! Sirs, she screamed, tj]at you might have heard her at the extremity of the village." " Oh! I don't wonder at that,** said my uncle : '* your children are UNCLE TWEAZYi 109 famous screamers : they never do any thing else, i think — at least, when I'm in your house." Mr. Prolix was dumb; his cheru- bic wainscot cheeks mantled brick- dust; while resentment for ihe stig- ma passed on his squalHng children glanced from his eye. His wife was a pleasant, well-behaved, quiet soul ; of the automaton breed; and as much the reverse, in her principles, of Mrs. Henpeck, as it was possible for a human creature to be; for she w§^ a composition of humility, and obedi- ence to the commands of her hus- band. — Not so was Mrs. Deposit: she was the most fantastic woman upon earth, except her neighbour, Mrs. Fungus; who, for family arro- gance, could match the proudest of the proud. She assured the Miss Tonics, in lisping accents, most dul- cet and affected, she intended giv- 110 UNGLE TWEAZY. ing a little sort of (e\e champetre in the course of a fortnight, for which she should issue her cards in time. " And you, my dear Mrs. Deposit, will join our festive group;" and she patted her fan most lovingly on Mrs. Deposit's naked fat shoultier, expos- ed ^ la Venus. '* Oh ! my dear creature, I shall certainly attend you, with rapture," replied the stylish compeer: ** you know a dance or a rubber is my de- lig-'^V Flow much, now, d'ye think I made by my card purse last sea- son?" *' Can't guess, poz," said Mrs. Fungus : ** a roiio of fifty guineas, perhaps." '* Fifty!" reiterated Mrs. Depo- sit: " why, my dear soul, fifty gui- neas would scarce buy me a purser" then, in an audible whisper, half a yard from Mrs. Fungus's naked ear. UNCLE TWEAZY. Hi ** I netted two hundred clear, 'pon honour." ** Oh ! you lucky soul," exclaimed Mrs. Fungus. *' But does not your lord sometimes reprove ? " "Oh! he knows nothing of the matter," replied Mrs. Deposit. " We are a very fashionable couple: we each pursue the mode most agree- able to our wishes; restriction would not suit mf% I promise you. Depo- sit's a good fellow : he never reproves me; and, in fact, if he did, it would little avail:' During this confab, my uncle (wliose chair joined Mrs. Deposit's) had fixed his chin upon his cane, and puffed out his cheeks, with his eyes fixed on the carpet, in deep attention, and panic-struck at the lady's con- versation, till, from the cast of his countenance, I dreaded every mo- ment would produce one of bis sharp lia UNCLE TWEAZY. opinions, not couched in the politest terms ; but the servant announcing *' dinner on table/' created the ge- neral bustle of a removal to the smoakiiig board, where a profuse spreadaiiijn cf substantials, in the old English style, foruicd a copious fumigation from fish, flesh, fowl, and pudding; over which, at the bottom of the table, stood the Doctor, bolt upright, flourishing a tremendous carving-knife with as much dexterity as he would a lancet; and the cere- mony of grace having been audibly repeated by son Bob, who took tiie Doctr's right hand as extra ofliciat* ing carver, we all took our allotted seats. An immense cod's tail at the top of the tatde, and a much larger head and shoulders at the boUom, almost suffocated poor Mrs. Deposit, who declined partaking any portibn of it, UNCLE TWEAZY. 115 protesting, ** the last cod's scull and smelts she purchased at Phillip's, in Bond-street, cost her two guineas, and though the price was, to be sure, very exorbitant, it did not prove good. " Two guineas* for a cod's scull,** exclaimed my incredulous uncle : " in my opinion, there was not a scull in Bond-street worth a quarter part the money. Eh ! Doctor, what say you? you understand sculls." " Oh heavens ! " ejaculated Mrs. Fungus; *' what a horrid subject to start at a medical table. My dear Mr. Tweazy, pr^, forbear. Do you know, I was extravagant enough to give a guinea for a lobster to a cele- brated fishmonger in my neighbour- hood, last March, for turbot sauce, at one of my city dinner parties?" ** The more's the pity, Ma'am," said m^iricle: ** I'm very sprry yoii 114 UNCLE TWEAZY, female caterers shonhl encouraire ex- tortion to such a pitch: the guinea would have done more good to some distressed family." " Pugh ! " cried Mrs. Fungus. •^ Was mi/ turbot to be served v» ith- out sauce, for sucli ^ paltri/ consider- ation ? No, indeed, by no means ! " ** But time has been, Madam," re- joined my uncle, *' when i/ou and / have bought many a lobster for a groat; aye, and when the humble bread and cheese we could set be- fore our guests wanted no other sauce than a ccrdial welcome to the board of frugality." ** Bread and cheese!" reiterated Mrs. Deposit. " Dear Mr. Tweazy, what a carpenter s supper you have selected : I declare you quite horrify my delicacy. Siilton or Parmesan sandwiches are extreme bores to in- troduce, even on the sideb^lrd of a UNCLE TWEAZY, 115 fasliionable table, merely for the pur- pose of flavouring the spruce and soda ; but common bread and cheese — oh! shocking ! too terrible to think about!" Mrs. Tonic now interrupted this interesting dissertation, by holding out, at arm's length, a plated fish- slice full of the tvoolly flakes of the iaforementioned dish, which every- body who knew where the prime part was stationed declined accept- ing, and she was therefore compelled to munch it herself; while her help- mate was plentifully distributing the jovi'l and jelly pieces to the epicures; amongst whom the Widow Quiz's plate was first handed, with profound homage, by Mr. Prolix, who had made her ivill only the day before, and well knew all the preliminaries it contained, both in his favour and the Doctor's. 116 UNCLE TWEA2Y. The plate was now presented; and willing to gratify the high epicurean palate of the rich widow, he poked his wrinkled eyelids close over the dish, to select a boubouche, exclaim- ing, " Cod sounds, Madam! here*s a nice piece in reserve for you." ** My dear, my dear,'* cried Mrs. Tonic (not comprehending what he said), ** how yon do swear!" ** I swear!" replied the Doctor (as son Bob set r«p a horse-laugh at his mother's mistake and expense). ** Why, my dear Mrs. Tonic, you must be out of your mind: I was only helplug Mrs. Quiz to part of the sound.' Poor Mrs, Tonic's cheek flushed with confusion, and, beijsg a placid woman of the old school, she made no reply; and the dinner went quiet- ly down, as mo«t dinners do, that are composed ow/y of eatables, not set UNCLE TWEAZY. 117 out on the nicknack scale of noto. riety. *' Come, take a triffle with mv daughter Elizetta," said the doctor, slapping me on the shoulder : *^ don't be afraid of her ; sh^'s a Tonic, de. pend upon it." I now, for the first time, discover- ed who this young lady was, and concluded I was to be indebted to her abilities for the harmonic strains I had been taught to expect, though, from her personal charms, 1 could draw no comparative idea. She was very short in stature, ex- tremely scraggy, with a complexion k la Bantam egg^ viz. similar to a composition of bark and hole ammo- niac, like my grandmother's tooth- powder; her eyes, like brother Bob- by's, were black and goggling; and if they were the telegraphs of her heart, it was a very inauimate one, 118 UNCLE TWEAZY. insipid as a chalk draught, or gruel without salt. Her sister was the po- lygraph of herself; therefore no far- ther personal comment is requisite. They were both attentive and assi- duous to the company, and, no doubt, might be two good sort of girls, fit to make industrious farmers' wives ; but neither of them were destined to captivate Victor St. Al- ban. ** What a charming name yours is!'' said Mrs. Deposit, looking most languibhiiigly in my face. I bovved. *' Aye, that was my choice," re- plied my uncle. " Then much merit is due to your choice, Sir," lisped Mrs. Fungus, " What a divine name it would be for a novel. If you do but subjoin it vf'xih one equally as elegant, how beautifully romantic it will sound: Palmira, for 'instance, crowning her UNCLE TWEAZY. 119 Vict 07' with a wreath of never-fading happiness." Here IMrs. Fungus set up a loud titter, which was succeeded by a uni- versal simper, from a smile to a horse- laugh, from everybody but my uncle, who, aware of these quizzing imper- tineiits, replied very gravely, " He believed there were niaijy hearls that would yield to such a Victor, without much contention, from bold Jifieen io lolder fifty r' ** Heavens! what an opinion you must have of women," exclaimed Mrs. Deposit, who loved to hear herself talk as much as her husband, when he delivers elaborate enco- miums from his knock-me-down pul- pit of public extortion. ** I entertain the best opinion in the world of all women," rejoined my uncle; ** for I estimate every one according to Iheir principles and ac- 120 UNCLE TWEAIZY. tions: ray opinion, therefore, never swerving from truths cannot possibly be a bad oner *' But hold fifteen to holder fiftxjV' cried Mrs. Fungus (who snatched the shuttlecock of argument from her voluble friend, Mrs. Deposit, to aim it at my uncle). ** What do you mean to infer by that, Mr. Tweazy?" *' Precisely what I have said, Ma- dam ; for, with all due deference to the present circle of exemptions, I am sorry to say, in the present day, the levity of the girl of iifteeen is, if possible, exceeded by the matron of fifty, married or singled' Mrs. Fungus bit her Jip; Mrs. De- posit sat upon a thorn ; while the mild Mrs. Prolix ventured to give her humble opinion, *' that certamly the principles of the rising generation were very notorious: subordination had beea her cradle motto ; but the UNCLE TWEAZY. 121 viord, and its practical properties, were now both expelled." ** My dear, you talk like an old woman preaching morality over her knitting-pins," said Mr. Prolix. *' If you are all perfection yourself, de- pend upon it your system of pro- priety won't reform the stylish ungo- vernables of the day. You forget you have got a parson at your elbow. Eh ! Mr, Faddle, now my wife has furnished the text, you can treat us with the sermon, I'm sure.'* *' No sermon! no sermon!" cried the Doctor : ** let's swallow the sub- ject in a mouthful of plum-pudding." *' No bad idea," replied my uncle: " I've heard many a sermon styled a ' plum-pudding discourse.' * " What profanity ! " exclaimed the Widow Quiz (who was wiping her wine-glass with her cambric pocket- handkerchief, for fear a grain of dust VOL. I. G 122 UNCLE TWEAZY. should contaminate her puckered lip). " Pray, can I be indulged with a glass of clean water?" ** I should hope so," replied the Doctor, '' if some witch has not muddled the pump." '' Oh! the Doctor takes care of the aqua-font ani,'' observed Mr. Fad- die, offering his snuff-box to the wi- dow, who smirked very cordially at the young man's civility, dearly lov- ing all possible homage and respect, as due to her supposed consequence, having consigned her virgin hand, in her fortieth year, to a husband, over whose ashes she now rattled the wheels of her chariot in sovereign independence ; which vehicle, when travelling, she converted to a chand- Jers shop, by furnishing it even with a cag of ivater, that she might not be poisoned by stagnant pools : she car- ried, also, every article of provision; UNCLE TWEAZY. 123 nor did she even omit her sheets and rush-lights, none possibly being so good as her own. To this eccentric woman the Tonic family paid high respect ; and whenever she honoured them with a visit, the head seat and best pieces were at her command. '£AZV. 183 ** YouVe late, gentlemen," observ- ed Mr. Macfriz, drawing his watch ; " it wants but a quarter to seven." *' You are incorrect, Sir," replied Mr. Dash well, looking at his re- peater; which example was followed by every watch in the room : but none cut so great a dash as Mr. Si- mon Undermine's, decorated with three immense large seals, suspended by a flashy chain, which he sat rat- tling in his hand, like a baby with its coral. " Yes, indeed, I'm glad the gen- tlemen are come," said Mrs. Down- right, an elderly woman, the epitome of vulgarity ; ** for I'm almost starv- ed: I uses myself so t& drink tea at five o'clock, that I'm like our black cat — I always looks for it, as the saying is." No person made any answer ; and Mrs. Macfriz rung the bell, which 184 UNCLE TWEAZY.^ produced two such high-piled plates of muffins and crumpets as might have victnalled a small regiment ; and Miss Macfriz was placed at the tea equipage to do the honours, to which her mama seemed incompe- tent. A fine Dutch piece, by Teniers, having attracted my notice, I could not help giving praise to the genius of that charminsT artist. o " Yes, Sir, it's a beautiful thing ^' answered Mrs. Macfriz ; " and I haven't had a little trouble to clean them all : this morning I was three hours mucking over them; for, being a valeable collection, I never suffers nobody to do nothing to them but myself." ** That's right," cried Mrs. Down- right : " you're like me, as I say to my chuck, and there he sits — there's nothing like doing things one's-self: "^^JNCLE TWEAZY. 185 Tin sure I'd more plague and mess with the cImnbreT/'Sweeps this morn- ing than enough." '* And what weather we had for our great wash last week," interrupt- ed the lady of the house. " Well," said Mrs. Dashwell, '* those are things I never trouble my head about; my constitution is too delicate to permit my attendance to household concerns." ** It's lucky you've no call to do it," replied Mrs. Downright: *' but I likes it; I loves to be notable; not as I've any occasion, as the saying is; for chuck and I don't want for stuff. We have worked hard; both pulled the same way, and scrope up a good bag of sweepings for our lit« tie darlimj;, Jennv. We ben't mu- sherroons! No, no! We can buy our girl a husband any day. Can't we, chuck ? " 186 UNCLE TWEAZY. Chuck grinned, and, distending his wide snub from cheek to cheek, gave iovey a nod of approbation, and sat twirling his thumbs, as dumb as an effigy : and the ladies having finished their notable conversation, Mr. Con- sequence began to expatiate on the various topics of politics ; amongst which, arguments strongly enforced, and as strongly defended, the subject of city concerns took its rotation ; on which he declaimed with great vehe- mence, supported by his neighbour, Mr. Undermine, who had been mole- ivorJdng for his friend, Mr. Penslow, on the late common-council election, by ousting what he termed the old and useless members, such as had grown grey in the service of their constituents, expended their proper- ty in support of the rights of the si- tuation, without deriving one penyiy emolumenty and then receiving for tJNCLE TWEAZY. 18? their pains the base ingratitude of being denominated deaf, blind, or su- peratmuated, which rendered them ineligible, according to the new st/s- te7n, and erased names from the ho nourable list that would have ho- noured a much superior. As the controversy increased, the gentlemen grew w^arm ; Mr. Conse- quence declaring, it was highly pro- per to elect new, young, and able members. " I headed the business in our parish last St. Thomas's day,' cried Mr. Consec[uence, " and oust- ed an old rZ^flr/' member, who was laid on a sick bed, and, therefore, totally incapable of attending his precinct." *' Poor man ! " said the humane Mrs. Downright, who possessed an excellent heart, which exhibited its virtues on many laudable occasions. " I think, Sir, axing your pardon, 188 UNCLE TWEAZY. you broke yonr ninth commandment most completely ; for it was a very cruel action to a sick neighbour, if he was an honest member of society. My chuck wouldn't ha.ve Jiciated in such a piece of treachery for the world : he'd have been ashamed of it." ** Oh dear ! there's no shame in the case," observed Mr. Undermine. '* My friend Penslow was a much more eligible man ; and, therefore, we persevered, night and day, in our canvass, and succeeded to a miracle, compelling him to retire with blight- ed laurels, because he would not re- sign, consonant to my friend Conse- quence's positive requisition..'' '' Pardon me! pardon me!" ex- claimed Mr. Dashwell; *' Mr. Pen- slew's were the blighted laurels, torn from the pillowed brow of a worthy UNCLE TWEAZY. 189 veteran to adorn his own, where they must fade, imeiiKied and unrespected, as the emblems of corrupt subllety ; for 1 do hold it an unprecedented piece of miqaity and mean cowardice to attack an individual, merely be- cause he is aefencdess, owing to the afliiction of Providence. For my part, I'm a common-councihnan- maker; but I voted for no "jacks in t:)ffice ! "— not I." " Jacks in office!'' retorted Mr. Undermine, glancing an important look at his son Simon. " I hope. Sir, you don't mean to insinuate, that / am a jack in office ! " '* I did not make any such per- tinent allusion. Sir," replied Mr. Dashwell : "• for, in fact, till you have brought it to my recollection, I had forgot your late lucrative agency; which, to be sure, in the literal sense 190 UNCLE TWEAZY, of the word, is a government depend- ence, and thereby renders your situa- tion official; which, if I am not mis- taken, I have heard disputed, as a point of ineligihilily — hey ! What say you, Mr. Earwig?" Mr. Undermine, who had thus undesignedly knotted a lash for his back, because conviction popped the cap on his head, knitted his scowling brow, and, dropping his long chin an inch longer, while it quivered with passion, observed, '' that any man who troubled his head with the con- cerns of another, in which he had no business to interfere, was an igno- rant, impertrnent fellow, Avho deserv- ed proper correction/' ** That's precisely my opinion," re- plied Mr. Dashwell ; '* for, I am well persuaded, one-half of your city med- dlers bad better attend to their count- UNCLE TWEAZY. 191 ing-houses, than squabble away the precious hours that ought to be de- voted to business." *' No doubt! no doubt!" cried Mr. Earwig ; who, like his insect brother, always creeps into the best situation, and never crawls into a crab-apple while he can glide into a pine — whispers impracticable promi- ses into your ear, and slides his hand into your convenient pocket, with the same effrontery that he introduces himself to every great table ; where, perching himself as near the presi- dent as an eminent stock of assu- i*ance will permit, he seizes his but- ton, which he never relinquishes till fumigated with the effluvia of his snuff; and, bored with his ceaseless half-articulate Champaigne jargon, the disgusted auditor releases his inu piisoned button, and resigns his un- comfortable seat to the vice, leaving 102 UNCLE TWEAZY. Mr. Earwig to buz his nonsense to some idle listener. Thus Mr. Ear- \vi<^ lives cheap, boasts innumerable invitations, listens to the commoner, sides with the lord, and loves all great folks and great feasts — consi- ders himself occasional hing of the Hose in June and the Canterhury Mail, in which he makes frequent convenient excursions, when the spice business does not require his attend- ance in London ; and, being now on a visit in this village, chance jumbled us together. This intelligence I gain- ed, in a whisper, from my uncle, who had known him many years. " I assure yon," whispered Simon Undermine to Mr. Macfriz, " father and I took a deal of pains to get in Mr. Penslow; which we never should Jiave done, if the old member hadn't been too close confined with the gout to hobble round the ward ; or else it^ UNCLE TWEAZY. 193 would all have been dickey ; because he was a favourite inhabitant, who had been bred, born, and patronised, as member of the court, near thirty years. Egad ! we'd tight work of it." " I don't wonder at that; I never heard of snch a thing in my life," said Mr. Downright, lifting up his hands and eyes. *' But I hope the cruel disappointment didn't kiil the poor gentleman : I heartily hope he's recovered." '' Oh, yes ! " answered Mr. Conse- quence : " I've met him twice since, when I least wished it; and I hear he treats the matter with great con- tempt.'* ** Then, I say, he's a cock of the game!'* vociferated Mrs. Downright; ** and I'll bet a farden he could put half his parish into his pocket ; aye, buy 'em, out and out! A rich man VOL. I. K 194 UNCLE TWEAZY. has always more enemies than a poor one." ** Poh ! " cried Mr. Undermine: " property's nothing to do with the common-council." *' Egad ! I belicTe you/' answered Mrs. Downright: *^ any thing does now-a-days, if they can but Tack up a bother. Lord bless you ! they all sqiieedges in, in hopes of getting the loaves and fishes that's given away, except my chuck; and everybody knows he v/ants nothing of nobody. They can't say, when he was church- warden, that he ever flashed away with parish property, as many folks do:' Here Mrs. Downright drew up her head, dragged her pearl satin gown two inches higher into her lap, and took a good bonny mouthful of but- ter-soaked muffin, desiring her hus- band to do the same, after spreading UNCLE TWEAZV. ^ 195 bis silk handkerchief over his black sattins, which, she boasted, were her own making. This caused a smile from some, a titter from Miss Macfriz, and 2l grin simple from Mr. Simon Undermine, whose cassimeres looked, by their dimension, as if he had borrowed them of Messrs. Gog and Magog at Guildhall, where Simon dearly loved to wedge himself in, along with his par, every Lord-Mayor's day, to a good dinner and dance with the girls ; for, being now a man grown, he was occasionally his walkinir- stick or coachman; wnth an excel- lent family character, as a very nice young man, possessing all his father's virtues, and in a fair train to obtain a wife, whenever he can meet with plenty of money; as none other need apply for that preference, who cou|ci not bring at least five thousand 5 and k2 196 UNCLE TWEAZY. that's barely sufficient to help sup- porting six o'clock dinners, a two- wheeled basket, and a four-legged factotum. Tea being over, the card-tables were adjusted, consisting of two whist, a speculation game, and a backgammon party, which created as much racket as the Stock Ex- change, and highly perplexed Mr. Earwig: and Mr. Dashwell : add to which, Mrs. Downright, who was on the losing game, kept repeatedly de- claring she hadn't got a play-first, could turn up nothing but the d — 's bedstead, shuffled nothing but rub- bish and YorksJiiremen into her hand, and should not win above two tricks ; and, whenever her husband hesitat- ed, '' Don't be afraid ; clap di piece of butter on it, my chuck ! " Mr. Consequence and Mr. Under- mine both played extremely unsuc- UNCLE TV/EAZY. 197 cessful, and thereby irritated their sour tempers ; particularly that of Mr. Consequence, who bad been all his life a member of the Snap and Snarl Club; for, though all the pa- rish were compelled to bow to his decree, as its primary deputed guide and guardian, his sullen, morose, and disobliging temper rendered him much more an object of disgust than admiration. K3 198 UNCLE TWEAXr *^^5'»♦■v%."v^y* CHAP. XVL THREE hours had glided away amongst the contents and non-con- tents, when Mrs. Macfriz requested the game might be broke up to make room for the servant to lay the cloth, which waSj of course, immediately complied with ; and the table was spread with an inundation of spoons, glasses, silver goblets, and numerous etceteras ; till the entrance of three immense capons, a leg of pork, a smoaking tongue, with sallad, vege- tation, pies, and custards, wholesale, completed the set-out; Mr. Macfriz presiding at the head of the table, UNCLE TWEAZY. 199 Mrs. Macfriz took the bottom, and the guests were promiscuously seat- ed. Now it happened to be the fate of Simon Undermine to sit next Mrs. Downright, who modestly requested the leg of a chicken ; and wishing to hand her plate for that purpose, and enforce his attention, she gave him a violent slap on the shoulder, and ex- claimed, *' Come, cockey, hand up my plate — will you?" Simon, bursting with indignation at her vulgar and familiar address, snatched it rudely from her, and call- ed the servant to relieve his lily-white do-nothing of its incumbrance. " I could have done that myself," said Mrs. Downright. " La ! la ! what a torn bore of a young man you be, Mister; you should always serve the ladies ! " k4 200 UNCLE TWEAZY. Simon curled up his nose in de- rision, and turned his back upon her. '* You shaVt be my son-in-law; you'd never do for my Jenny," conti- nued Mrs. Downright, giving him a second slap, which acted like an electric shock on his nervous system. " Be so good to give me a slice of that there tongue." *' I thought you had got some," replied sulky Simon. " That's we'll said," answered his father : *' few ladies are in want of that article ! Ha, ha, ha ! Well said, Simon." Mrs. Downright, nothing daunted by the retort of any puppy whatever, jumped up, and fetched herself a piece of bread ; observing, those who were too indolent to get their bread ought to go without it. tJNCLE TWEAZY. ^01 ** Then I should soon starve/' re- plied Mrs. Dashwell, ** for I coiikl not earn mine now." '* Oh, there's more ways than one of yearning one's livelihood," replied Mrs. Downright: ''' if yon conld not do it one way, you mought another." " But Mrs. Dashvvell has no occa- sion to do it," replied her lord and master, piqued at his gross 'compa- nion's inuP7ido, *' That makes no odds," replied Mrs. Downright : *' what she is, and what she may be, are two very diffe- rent things." " Well, I'm a very happy man,' cried Mr. Earwig: " I'm like a gar- dener ; I can raise my salary quicker than any man, and dispose of my time as I think proper." Then grin- ning at his own wit, and displaying his amber dechements, he actually 202 UNCLE TWEA2V. hummed the O. P. dance, ^vhile his plate was refreighting with bon* bons. '* And ril tell you what you can do beside," said Mr. Consequence, in an audible whisper — '* you can get the blind side of one great man, and the deaf side of another great man-^-eh. Earwig! you can do any thing lyat what you re ivanted, we all know." This caused a general laugh ; but Mr. Earwig swallow^ed it in custard ; and it died away. At length the diligent Mr. Macfriz, wiping the pearls of notability from his face, ordered the fragments to be removed, and the wine set on the table. Various patriotic toasts having briskly circulated, the ladies were called on for their favourites. UNCLE TWEAZY, 205 ** Lord have ye ! I've no favonriteg upon earth, but my chuck : however, I'll give you a toast," cried Mrs. Downright: " so here's a health to the poor sick gentleman, and may he live to see those turncl out who turnd him out! I loves a bit of tit for tat; but some folks is like the hedgehog — love to worm themselves iiii and worm others out'' The glasses of Mr. Undermine and Mr. Consequence were very sparingly replenished, which being perceived by the Argus eye of Mrs. Downright, she insisted on bumpers, which was very reluctantly complied with. My uncle proposed the addition of three cheers, in the energy of which applause he knocked off the foot of his wine-glass. ** Never mind ! " exclaimed Mrs. Downright: '* I'd sooner make Mr. t!04 XJNCLE TWEA2Y. Macfriz a present of a dozen to-mor- row, than lose the honour of my toast.' " Come, come! as we a n't in the House of Commons, gentlemen, I begs we may be ail unonymous, and not reap up old grievances. Who will give us a song? None of my fa- mily were born skylarks ; but I've some notion Mr. Simon Undermine can tip us a stave," cried Mr. Mac- friz. Mr. Simon, who was sitting at full stretch on his chair, with his hands, as usual, tucked into his breeches pockets tip to his elbotvs, as- sured the company, in his silly way> he never could sing in all his life, though he had had the advantage of plenty of singing-masters. " How d'ye mean ? how d'ye mean ? " asked his father. UNCLE TWEAZY. 205 " Why, haven't I kept an aviary of Canary birds this ever so long?'' replied Simon. " Pish ! " said his scarlet-faced pa. pa, shocked at his son's nonsensical pun. *' Oh-ho, Monsieur Canarie ! " ex- claimed the pedantic Mr. Earwig (who loved to let the world know he had attained a smattering of French, as well as a few Irish hidh) ; '•' vous etes wit-ty." Simon, abashed, sat silent; and, as I much suspected, my uncle pitch- ed on me, requesting I would sing *' Old Towler," with which I unhe- sitatingly complied, and for which I received some very high encomiums from everybody but Mr. Consequence and Messrs. Undermine. Mrs. Dowiiright soon afterwards found out she began to feel sleepy, and it was time for all honest trades- 206 UNCLE TWEAZY, folks to go home to bed ; she there- fore began pinning up her pearl sat« tin, which gave the signal of depar- ture, and broke up the company. *^ I think old Mother Downright cut up the ousters with a vengeance," said my uncle, as we walked home, ** To be sure, she's a woman of very low extraction and rough manners ; but she possesses an excellent heart of honesty and benevolence, and that's an equivalent. Few more comments passed, as the hour was late; and wa therefore retired to rest. END OF you I, flumoitr aad Brewi», Printer*, Lovc-iaoe, E»stclieap,