Mhf47 A15 YALE UNIVERSITY LIBRARY Presented by John Petheram, Esq. 1845 puritan JDfenplme Crartsu PAP WITH A HATCHET; A REPLY MARTIN MAR-PRELATE. 3S.e»prtntrtr frnm tijc ©riflfiii-il ©unrto tBtoition. WITH AN INTRODUCTION AND NOTES. LONDON: JOHN PETHERAM, 71, CHANCERY LANE. 18 II. INTRODUCTION. ii MhW v.3 4 In presenting the following tract to the public, I offer no apology for the sharpness of its sarcasm, or the coarseness of its language. The comparatively few persons into whose hands it may fall, will, I trust, appreciate that which I can assure them they possess, an accurate reprint of a very rare, and by no means an uninteresting tract. The original edition is in small quarto, printed in Roman letter, without date, but evidently in the latter half of the year 1589. It is mentioned with much com mendation by Nash, in his "First Part of Pasquils Apologie," which bears the date of 1590; "I warrant you the cunning Pap-maker knew what he did when he made choice of no other spoon than a hatchet for such a mouth, no other lace than a halter for such a necke." And the allusion at page 36, " I drew neere die sillie soule, whom I found quiuering in two sheetes of pro testation paper," shows that it was printed after " The Protcstacyon of Martin Mar-Prelate," dated 1589. IV INTRODUCTION. In the copy which 1 possess, in the handwriting of Isaac Reed, is tlie following note : — " Collier, in his Ecclesiastical History, ii. 606, gives this pamphlet to Thomas Nash, but Gabriel Harvey ascribes it to John Lyly. Pierce's Supererogation, 69." To this state ment respecting the authorship very little can be added. It has been attributed to Nash chiefly from the simi larity which it bears to his style ; and this opinion is somewhat strengthened by tlie fact that he wrote more than one tract on the same side. On behalf of Lyly it may be said, that the testimony of Gabriel Harvey is that of a contemporary, and therefore more likely to be true. Mr. J. P. Collier, in his "Annals of tlie Stage," attributes it to Lyly ; and Mr. D'Israeli, in his " Cala mities of Authors," to Nash. To these authorities might be added others, which, however, afford no addi tional evidence, and therefore we must be content to leave the discovery to future research. Some letters will be found at the end amongst the Notes, which show us that the exhibiting of Martin on the Stage led to the interference of Lord Burghley, and the then Master of the Revels, Tylney, issued his orders " to staie all plaies within the cittie, utterlie misliking the same :" it is evidently to the period of this inhibition that the facts mentioned at page 32 must be referred. J. P. /,"-! Iff* Pappe with an hatchet. Alias, A figge for my God sonne. Or Cracke me this nut. Or A Countrie cufife, that is, a sound boxe of the eare, for the idiot Martin to hold his peace, seeing the patch will take no Written by one that dares call a dog, a dog, and made to preuent Martins dog daies. London, Nov. 1, 1814. Imprinted by Iohn Anohe, and Iohn Astile, for the Bayliue of Withernam, cum priuilegio perennita- tis, and are to bee sold at the signe of the crab tree cudgell in thwack - coate lane. A sentence. Martin hangs fit for my mowing. s t, 1 To tlie Father and the two Sonnes, Huffe, Ruffe, and Snuffe, the three tame ruffians of the Church, which take pepper in the nose, because they can not marre Prelates : grating. Roome for a royster ; so thats well sayd, itch a little further for a good fellowe. Now haue at you all my gaffers of the rayling religion, tis I that must take you a peg lower. I am sure you looke for more worke, you shall haue wood enough to cleaue, make your tongue the wedge, and your head the beetle, He make such a splinter runne into your wits, as shal make the ranckle till you become fooles. Nay, if you shoot bookes like fooles bolts, He be so bold as to make your iudgements quiuer with my tliunderbolts. If you meane to gather clowdes in the Commonwealth, to threaten tempests, for your flakes of snowe weele pay you with stones of hayle ; if with an Easterlie winde you bring Catterpillers b 2 " DEDICATION. into the Churcli, witli a Northerne wind weele driue barrennes into your wits. We care not for a Scottish mist, though it wet vs to the skin, you shal be sure your cockscombs shall not be mist, but pearst to the skills. I professe rayling, and think it as good a cudgell for a Martin, as a stone for a dogge, or a whippe for an Ape, or poyson for a rat. Yet find fault with no broad termes, for I haue me- sured yours with mine, and I find yours broader iust by the list. Say not my speaches are light, for I haue weighed yours and mine, and I finde yours lighter by twentie graines than the allowance. For number you exceede, for you haue thirde ribauld words for my one, and yet you beare a good spirit. I was loath so to write as I haue done, but that I learnde, that he that (lrinkes with cutters, must not be without his ale dagger; nor hee diat buckles with Martin, without his lauish termes. Who would currie an Asse with an Iuorie combe? giue the beast thistles for prouender. I doo but yet angle with a silken flye, to see whether Martins will nibble ; and if I see that, why then I haue wormes for the nonce, and will giue them line enough like a trowte, H DEDICATION. V till they swallow both hooke and line, and then Martin beware your gilles, for He make you daunce at the poles end. I knowe Martin will with a trice bestride my shoul ders. Well, if he ride me, let the foole sit fast, for my wit is verie kickish ; which if he spurre with his copper replie, when it bleedes, it will all to besmeare their con sciences. If a Martin can play at chestes, as well as his nephevve the ape, he shall knowe what it is for a scaddle pawne, to crosse a Bishop in his owne walke. Such dydoppers must be taken vp, els theile not stick to check thc king. Rip vp my life, discipher my name, fill thy answer as full of lies as of lines, swell like a toade, hisse like an adder, bite like a dog, and chatter like a monkey, my pen is prepared and my minde ; and if yee chaunce to finde any worse words than you brought, let them be put in your dads dictionarie. And so farewell, and be hangd, and I pray God ye fare no worse. Yours at an houres warning Double V. b 3 TO THE INDIFFERENT READER. It is high time to search in what corner of the Church the fire is kindled, being crept so far, as diat with the verie smoke die consciences of diuers are smothered. It is found that certaine Martins, if no miscreants in religion (which wee may suspect) yet without doubt malecotents (wliich wee ought to feare) haue throwen fire, not into the Church porch, but into the Chauncell, and though not able by learning and iudgement to dis place a Sexton, yet seeke to remooue Bishops. They haue scattered diuers libels, all so taunting and slan derous, as it is hard to iudge, whether their lyes exceed tlieir bitternesse, or their bitternesse their fables. If diey be answered by the grauitie of learned Pre lates, they prcsendie reply with railings ; which argueth their intent to he as farre fro the truth of deuotion, as their writings from mildnes of spirit. It is said that camels neuer drinke, til they haue troubled the water with dieir feete, and it seemes these Martins cannot carouse the sapp of the Church, till by faction they make tumults in religion. Seeing the either they expect TO THE READER. 11 no graue replie, or that they are settled with railing to replie; I thought it more conuenient, to giue them a whisk with their owne wand, than to haue them spurd with deeper learning. The Scithian slaues, though they bee vp in armes, must bee tamde with whippes, not swords, and these mutiners in Church matters, must haue their mouthes bungd with iests, not arguments. I seldome vse to write, and yet neuer writ anie thing, that in speech might seeme vndecent, or in sense vn- honest ; if here I haue vsed bad tearmes, it is because diey are not to bee answered with good tearmes : for whatsoeuer shall seeme lauish in this Pamphlet, let it be thought borrowed of Martins language. These Martins were hatcht of addle egges, els could they not haue such- idle heads. They measure conscience by their owne yard, and like the theeues, that had an yron bed, in which all that were too long they would cut euen, all that were too short they would stretch out, and none escapte vnrackt or vnsawed, diat were not iust of their beds length : so all that are not Martins, that is, of dieir peeuish mind, must be measured by them. If he come short of their religion, why he is but a Colde Protestant, hee must bee pluckt out to the length of a Puritane. If any be more deuout than they are, as to giue almes, fast, and pray, then they cut liim off close by the workes, and say he is a Papist. If one 12 TO THE READER. be not cast in Martins mould, his religion must needes mould. He saith he is a Courtier, I thinke no Courtier so peruerse, that seeing the streight rule of die Church, would goe about to bend it. It may be he is some Iestev about the Court, and of that I meruaile, because I know all the fooles diere, and yet cannot gesse at him. What euer he be, if his conscience be pind to his cogni zance, I will account him more politicke than religious, and more dangerous for ciuill broyles, than the Spaniard for an open warre. I am ignorant of Martin and his maintainer, but my conscience is my warrant, to care for neither. For I knowe there is none of honour so carelesse, nor any in zeale so peeuish, nor of nature any so barbarous, diat wil succour those diat be suckers of the Church, a thing against God and policie ; against God, in subuerting religion ; against policie, in altering gouernment, making in the Church, the feast of the Lapithees, where all shall bee throwne on anothers head, because euerie one would be the head. And these it is high time to tread vnder foote : for who would not make a threshold of those, diat go about to make the Church a barno to thresh in. Itaque sic disputo. $appe tottf; ait fcatr&et. Good morrow, goodman Martin, good morrow : will ye anie musique this morning ? What fast a sleepe ? Nay faith, He cramp thee till I wake thee. 0 whose tat ? Nay gesse olde knaue and odd knaue : for lie neuer leaue pulling, til I haue thee out of thy bed into the streete-; and then all shall see who thou art, and thou know what I am. Your Knaueship brake you fast on the Bishops, by breaking your iests on them : but take heed you breake not your owne necke. Bastard lunior dinde vpon them, and cramde his maw as full of mallice, as his head was of malapertnesse. Bastard Senior was with them at supper, and I thinke tooke a suifet of colde and raw quipps. O what queasie girds were they towards the fall of the leafe. Old Martin, neuer entaile thy wit to the eldest, for hee'le spend all he hath in a quire of paper. Now sirs, knowing your bellies full of Bishops bobbs, I am sure your bones would be at rest : but wee'le set vp all our rests, to make you all restie. I was once determined to write a proper newe Ballet, entituled Martin and his Maukin, to no tune, because Martin was (1. I _ 14 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. ftee out of all tune. Elderton swore hee had sweares bi/ . , . hismaxer, r>mes lying a steepe in ale, which should make'tZ-h marre ^ your masons : there is an olde hacker u>.._ tw/- that shall take order for to print them. O shod, if thc i i ,i . , ... „ ah ham llow hee le cut Jt, when his ballets come out hi, swift of die lungs of the licour. They shall be current. ° J better dian diose of Bonner, or the ierkes for a lesuit. The first begins, Come dt me come tat me, come throw a halter at me. Then I thought to touch Martin with Logick, but there was a litde wag in Cambridge, that swore by Saint Seaton, he would so swinge him with Sillogismes, that all Martins answeres should ake. The vile boy hath manic hobbes, and a whole fardle of fallacies. He begins, Linqito coax ranis, cros eoruis, vanaque vanis. Ad Logicam pergo, quae Mart'ins non timet ergo. And saies, he will ergo Martin into an ague. I haue read but one of his arguments. Tiburne stands in the cold, But Martins are a warme furre : Therefore Tiburne must be furd with Martins. O (quoth I) boy thou wilt be shamed ; tis neither in moode nor figure : all the better, for I am in a moode to cast a figure, that shall bring them to the conclusion. I laught at the boye, and left him drawing all the lines of Martin into sillogismes, euerie conclusion beeing this, Ergo Martin is to bee hangd. 1 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 15 Nay, if rime and reason bee both forestalde, He raile, if Martin haue not barrelde vp all rakehell words : if he haue, what care I to knock him on the head with his owne hatchet. He hath taken vp all the words for his obscemtie: obscenitie ? Nay, now I am too nice; squ.rr.htie were a better word: well, let me alone to squirrell them. Martin, thinkst thou, thou hast so good a wit, as none can outwrangle thee ? Yes Martin, wee will play three a vies wits : art thou so backt that none dare blade it with thee? Yes Martin, wee will drop vie stabbes. Martin sweares I am some gamester. Why is not gaming lawful? I know where there is more play in the compasse of an Hospitall, than in the circuite of Westchester. One hath been an old stabber at passage : the One that I meane, thrust a knife into ones thigh at Cambridge, the quarrel was about cater-tray, and euer since he hath quarrelled about eater-caps. I thought that hee which thrust at the bodie in game would one daie cast a foyne at the soule in earnest. Bui hee workes closelie and sees all, hee learnd that of old Vydgm the cobler, who wrought ten yeares with spec tacles, and yet swore he could see through a dicker of leather. He hath a wanton spleene, but wee will haue it stroakt with a spume, because his cies are bleard, he thinkes to bleare all ours; but let him take this for a warning, or else looke for such a warming, as shall make all his deuices as like wood, as his spittle is like wood- sere. Take away the Sacke, and giue him some Cina- mom water, his conscience hath a colde stomacke. IG PAfPE WITH AN HATCHET. PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 17 Cold? Thou art deceiued, twil digest a Cathedral Church as easilie, as an Estritch a two penie naile. But softe Martins, did your Father die at die Groyne? It was well groapt at, for I kncwe him sicke of a paine in the groyne. A pockes of that religion, (quoth lulian Grimes to her Father) when al his haires fell off on the sodaine. Well let the olde knaue be dead. Whie are not the spawnes of such a dog-fish hangd? Hang a spawne ? drowne it ; alls one, damne it. Ye like not a Bishops rochet, when all your fathers hankerchers were made of his sweete harts smocke. That made you bastards, and your dad a cuckold, whose head is swolne so big, that he had neede sende to the cooper to make him a biggin : and now you talke of a cooper, He tell you a tale of a tiibb. At Sudburie, where the Martin-mogers swarmd to a lecture, like beares to a honnie pot : a good honest strippling, of the age of fiftie yeares or thereabout, that could haue done a worse act if companie had not been neere, askt his sweete sister, whether lecherie in her conscience were a sinne ? In faith (quoth she) I thinke it die superficies of sinne, and no harme if the teamies be not abusde, for you must say, vertuously done, not lustily done. Fie, this is filthie ribaldry. O sir, ther is no mirth without ribaldrie, nor ribaldrie without Martin, ask mine hostesse of the hue bush in Wye for the one, and my old hostesse of the Swanne in Warwicke for the other. She is dead: the diuell she is. You are too broad with Martins brood: for hee hath a hundred thousand that will set their handes to his ^ Articles, and shewe the Queene. Sweeter They are and sweeter : for wee haue twentie hundred notsomany, thousand handes to withstand them. I would centimani, it were come to the ffrasp, we would show an hundred ° * hands a them an Irish tricke, that when they thinke peece: so .1 -_i >i i « ttiat in all to winne the game with one man, wee le make thei.llre j)(< holde out till wee haue but two left to carrie one ihou- them to the gallowes : well followed in faith, for thou saidst thou wert a gamester. All this is but bad English, when wilt thou come to a stile ? Martin hath manie good words. Manie ? Now you put me in minde of the matter, there is a booke c5ming out of a hundred merrie tales, and the petigree of Martin, fetchte from the burning of Sodome, his armes shal be set on his hearse, for we are prouiding his funerall, and for the winter nights the tales shall be told secundum vsum Sarum : the Deane of Salisburie can tell twentie. If this will not make Martin mad, malicious and melancholie (6 braue letter followed with a full crie) then will we be desperate, and hire one that shall so translate you out of French into English, that you will blush and lie by it. And one will we coniure vp, that writing a familiar Epistle about the naturall causes of an Earthquake, fell into the bowells of libelling, which made his eares quake for feare of clipping, he shall tickle you with taunts ; all his works bound close, are at least sixe sheetes in quarto, and he calls them the first tome of his familiar Epistle : he is full of latin endes, and worth tenne of those that crie in London, haie ye anie gold ends to sell. If he giue you a bob, though he drawe no bloud, yet are you c 18 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. sure of a rap with a liable. If he ioync with vs, perijsti Martin, thy wit wil be massacred : if the toy take him to close widi diee, then haue I my wish, for this tenne yeres haue I lookt to lambacke him. Nay he is a mad lad, and such a one as cares as litde for writing without wit, as Martin doth for writing without honestie ; a notable coach companion for Martin, to drawe Diuinitie from die Colledges of Oxford and Cambridge, to Shoo- makers hall in Sainct Martins. But we neither feare Martin, nor the foot-clodi, nor the beast that wears it, he he horse or asse ; nor whose sonne he is, be he Mar tins, sonne, Iohns, sonne, or Richards, sonne ; nor of what occupation he be, be a ship-wright, cart-wright, or tiburn-wright. If they bring seuen hundred men, they shall be boxt with fourteen hundred boyes. Nay we are growing to a secret bargaine. O, but I forgate a riddle ; the more it is spied, the lesse it is seene. Thats the Sunne : the lesse it is spied of vs, the more it is seene of those vnder vs. The Sunne ? thou art an asse, it is the Father, for the old knaue, thinking by his bastardie to couer his owne heade, putteth it like a stagge ouer the pale. Pale ? nay I will make him blush as red as ones nose, that was alwaies washt in well water. What newes from die the Heraldes ? Tush, thats time enough to know to morrow, for the sermon is not yet cast. The sermon foole? why they neuer studie, but cleaue to Christ his dabitur in ilia hora. They venter to catch soules, as they were soles ; Doctors are but dunces, none sowes true stitches in a pulpet, but a shoomaker. PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 19 Faith, thou wilt bee caught by the stile. Martin lu- .... T , r 1 i • J J Fourme. toe, to the crochet on thy head. They bee as cunning in cutting vp an- honest mans credit, as Bull in quartering a knaues bodie. Tush, (what care I) is my posie ; if hee meddle with mee, He make his braines so hot that they shall crumble, and rattle in his warpt scull, like pepper in a dride bladder. I haue a catalogue of al the sheepe, and it shall go hard, but I will crosse the bel-weather. AVhy shuld I feare him that walkes on his neats-feete. Neither court, nor countrie that shal be free, I am like death, He spare none. There shall not misse a name of anie, that had a Godfather ; if anie bee vnchristened, He nicke him with a name. But whist ; beware an action of the case. Then put this for die case, whether it bee not as lawfull to set downe the facts of knaues, as for a knaue to slander honest men. Alls as it is taken ; marie the diuell take al, if truth find not as many soft cushions to leane on, as trecherie. Theres one with a lame wit, which will not weare a foure cornerd cap, then let liim put on Tiburne, that hath but three comers ; and yet the knaue himselfe, hath a pretie wench in euerie corner. I could tickle Martin with a true tale of one of his c 2 If 20 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. lie calls sonncs, that hauing die companie of one of none but the ... . , , , ... heavens to lus Slsters in the open fieldes, saide, hee would totae.se. not smoodier vp sinne, and deale in hugger mugger against his Conscience. In the hundred merrie tales, the places, the times, die witnesses and all, shall be put downe to the proofe, where I warrant you, the Martinists haue consciences of proofe. Doost think Martin, diou canst not be discouered ? What foole would not diinke him discouered that is balde ? Put on your night cap, and your holie day English, and the best wit you haue for high daies, all wil be little enough to keep you from a knaues penance, though as yet you bee in a fooles paradice. If you coyne words, as Cankerburie, Canterburines, &c. whie, I know a foole that shall so inkhornize you with straunge phrases, that you shall blush at your owne bodges. For Similes, theres another shal liken thee to anie thing, besides he can raile too. If Martin muzzle not his mouth, and manacle his hands, He blabb- all, and not sticke to tell, that pewes and stewes are rime in their religion. Scratch not thy head Martin, for be thou Martin the bird, or Martin the beast ; a bird with the longest bill, or a beast with the longest eares, theres a net spread for your necke. Martin, He tell tiiee a tale woorth twelue pence, if thy witt bee woorth a pennie. There came to a Duke in Italie, a large lubber and a beggerlie, saying hee had the Philosophers Stone, and that hee could make golde faster, than the Duke could spend it. The Duke askt him, why hee made none to mainteine himself? Because, quoth he, I could neuer PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 21 get a secret place to worke in ; for once I indeuoured, and thc Popes holinesse sent for me, whom if he had caught, I should haue been a prentice to mainteine his pride. The Duke minding to make triall of his cunning, and eager of golde, set him to worke closely in a vault, where it was not knowen to his neerest seruants. This Alcumist, in short time consumed two thousande pound of die Dukes gold, and brought him halfe a ducket : whie (quoth the Duke) is this all ? All quoth he my* Lord, that I could make by Art. Wel said the Duke then shalt thou see my cunning : for I will boile diee, straine thee, and then drie thee, so that of a lubber, that weighed three hundred weight, I will at last make a dram of knaues powder. The Duke did it. Martin, if thou to cousen haue crept into the bosome of some great me, saying thou hast the churches disci pline, and that thou canst by thy faction and pollicie, pull down Bishops and set vp Elders, bring the lands of the Clergy, into the cofers of the Temporaltie, and repaire Religion, by impairing their liuings, it may bee, thou shalt bee hearkened too, stroakt on die head, greasd in die hand, fed daintelie, kept secretlie, and countenaunst mightelie. But when diey perceiue, that all diy deuices bee but Chymeraes, monsters of thine owne imaginations, so farre from pulling downe a Cathedrall Church, that they cannot remooue a corner of a square cap, the will diey deale with thee, as the Duke did with the Alcumist, giue thee as nis main-" many bobs on the eare, as diou hast eaten le'"er are both sau-ers morsels of their meate, and make thee an ex- of timber, c 3 22 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. but Martin ample of sedition to be pointed at, that art now stands in . , , the pit, all so mewde vp, diat none can point where thou the dust art% All diis tale, with the application, was must fall rr ' f» his eies, not of my penning, but found among loose neuer walke PaPers » marie *»e *at did it, dares stand to °" the it. Now, because I haue nothing to doo be- boards. . tweene this and supper, He tell you another tale, and so begin Winter by time. There was a libeller, who was also a coniurer, so that whatsoeuer casting of figures tliere was, he deceiued them; at the last, one as cunning as himself, shewed, wher he sate writing in a fooles coate, and so he was caught and whipt. Martin, diere are figures a flinging, and ten to one thou wilt be found sitting in a Knaues skinne, and so be hangd. Hollow tliere, giue me the beard I wore yesterday. O beware of a gray beard, and a balde head : for if such a one doo but nod, it is right dudgin and deepe discretion. But soft, I must now make a graue speach. There is small difference between Swallowes and Martins, either in shape or nature, saue onely, that the Martins, haue a more beetle head, they both breed in Churches, and hauing fledgde their young ones, leaue nothing behind them but durt. Vnworthie to come into the Church porch, or to be nourished vnder anie good mans eues, that gnawe the bowels, in which they were bred, and defile the place, in which they were ingendred. They studio to pull downe Bishopps, and set vp Superintendents, which is nothing else, but to raze out good Greeke, and enterline bad Latine. A fine period ; PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 23 but I cannot continue this stile, let me fal into my olde vaine. O doost remember, howe that Bastard lunior complaines of brothells, and talkes of long Megg of Westminster. A craftie iacke, you thoght because you twitted Mar-martin, that none would suspect you ; yes faith Martin, you shall bee thresht with your owne fiaile. It was one of your neast, that writt this for a loue letter, to as honest a woma as euer burnt malt. " Grace, mercie, and peace to thee (O widow) with Hee feruent motions of the spirit, that it may thought worke in thee both to will and to doo. Thou s(i[l ^ a[ knowest my loue to thee is, as Paules was Corinth as u-el as to the Corinthians ; that is, the loue of co- Paul. pulation." How now holie Martin, is this good wooing? If you prophane the Scriptures, it is a pretie wit ; if we but alledge Doctors to expound them, wee are wicked. If Martin oppresse his neighbor, why hee saith, it is his conscience ; if anie else doo right, it is extremitie. Martin may better goe into a brothell house, then anie odier go hy it ; he slides into a bad place like the Sunne, all others stick in it like pitch. If Martin speake broad bawdrie, why all the crue saies, your worship is passing merrie. Martin will not sweare, but with indeede, in sooth, and in truth, hee'le cogge the die of deceipt, and cutte at the bumme carde of his conscience. O sweetelie brought in, at least three figures in that line, besides, the wit ant. One there was, and such a one as Martin would make the eldest of his Elders, that hauing fortie angels sent 24 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. him for a beneuolcnce, refusde to giue the poore fellowe a quittance for the receipt, saying, Christ had giuen his master a quittance, the same howre he told it out : and this was at his table, where he sate with no less than fortie good dishes of the greatest dainties, in more pompe dian a Pope, right like a superintendant. Now to the two bastards, what were you twins ? It shuld seeme so, for there wet but a paire of sheeres betweenc your kiiaueries. When the old henne hatcht such eggs, the diuell was in the cocks comb. Your father thrusts you forward, remember pettie Martins Aesops crab, the mother going backward, exhorted her sonnes to goe forward ; doo you so first mother quoth they, and we will follow. Now the old cuckold hath puld in his homes, he would make you creepe cleane out of the shell, and so both loose your houses, and shewe your nakednesse. You go about impossibilities, wele no such chage, and if ye had it, ye would be wearie of it. There was a man like Martin, that had a goose, which euerie daie laid him a golden egge, he not content with the blessing, kild his goose, thinking to haue a myne of golde in her bellie, and finding nothing but dung, the gader wisht his goose aliue. Martinists that liue well by the Church, and receiue great benefites of it, thinke if all Churches were downe, they should be much better, but when they shall see cofusion instead of discipline, and atheisme to be found in place of doctrine, will they not with sighs wish the Churches and Bishops in their wonted gouernmet? Thou art well seen in tales, and PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 25 preachest Aesops fables. Tush, He bring in Pueriles, and Stans puer ad mensam, for such vnmanncrlie knaues as Martin, must bee set againe to their A. B.C. and learne to spell Our Father in a Home booke. Martin lunior giues warning that none write against rcucrent Martin : yes, there are a tribus ad centum, from three to an hudred, that haue vowed to write him out of his right wittcs, and we are all Aptots, in all cases alike, till we haue brought Martin to the ablatiue case, that is, to bee taken away with Bulls voyder. O here were a notable full point, to leaue Martin in the hangmans apron. Nay, he would be glad to scape with hanging, weele first haue him lashte through the Realme with cordes, that when hee comes to die gallowes, he may be bleeding new. The babie comes in with Nunka, Neame, and Dad : (Pappe with an hatchet for such a puppie) giue the infant a bibbe, he all to beslauers his mother tongue, if he driuell so at the mouth and nose, weele haue him wipte with a hempen wispe Hull How often hast thou talkt of haltring? Whie it runnes still in my minde that they must be hangd. Hangde is the Que, and it comes iust to my purpose. There was one endited at a Iaile deliuerie of felonie, for taking vp an halter by the .high way. The Iurie gaue verdit and said guiltie. The Iudge an honest man, said it was hard to find one guiltie for taking vp a penie halter, and bad diem consider, what it was to cast awaie a man. Quoth the foreman, we haue enquired throughly, and found tliere was a horse tied to the halter. I marie 26 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. (quoth the ludge) then let him be tied to the halter, and let die horse goe home. Martin, a Monarch in his owne moyst conceit, and drie counsell, saies he is enuied onelie, because he leuelleth at Bishops ; and we say as die ludge saith, diat if diere were nothing else, it were hard to persecute them to death ; but when we finde diat to the rule of die Church, the whole state of the Realme is linckt, and that they filching away Bishop by Bishop, seeke to fish for die Crown, and glew to their newe Churcli dieir owne conclusions, we must then say, let Bishops stand, and they hang ; that is, goe home. Looke howe manie tales are in this booke, so manie must you abate of an hundred in the next booke, reckon this for one. There came by of late a good honest Minister, with a cloake hauing sleeues : ah (quoth a Martinist, sitting on a bulke in Cheapside) he is a knaue I warrant you, a claspe would become one of his coate to claspe his cloak vnder his chinne. Where tis to be noted, that diey come in with a sleeuelesse conscience, and thinke it no good doctrine, wliich is not preached with the cloak cast ouer each shoulder like a rippicr. Twas a mad knaue and a Martinist, that diuided his sermon into 31 parts for memorie sake, and would handle but foure for memorie sake, and they were, why Christ came, wherefore Christ came, for what cause Christ came, and to what end Christ came ; this was all for memorie sake. If that Martin could thatch vp his Church, this mans scabship should bee an Elder, and Elders they may bee, which being fullest of spungie PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 27 pith, proue euer the driest kixes. For in time you shall see, that it is but a bladder of worldlie winde which swells in their hearts, being once prickt, the humour will quicklie be remoued. O what a braue state of the Church it would be for all Ecclesiasticall causes to come before Weauers and Wierdawers, to see one in a motlie Icrkin and an apron to reade the first lesson. The poore Church should play at vnequal game, for it should loose al by the Elder hand. Nay Mas Martin, weele make you deale, shuffle as well as you can, we meane to cut it. If you had the foddring of the sheep, you would make the Church like Primero, foure religions in it, and nere one like another. I cannot out of his gaming humour. Why? Is it not as good as Martins dogged humour, who without reuerence, regard, or exception, vseth such vnfitting tearmes, as were hee the greatest subiect in England hee could not iustifie them. Shut the doores (sirs) or giue me my skimmer, Mar tins mouth had sod vnskimde these twelue months, and now it runnes ouer ; yet let him alone, he makes but porredge for the diuell. His Elderbcrines though it be naught worth, yet is it like an elderberrie, which being at the ripenes of a per fect black, yet brused staines ones hands like bloud. They pretending grauitie in the rottennes of their zeale, bee they once wrung, you shall finde them lighter than feathers. Thats a simile for the slaues. Nay, lie touch them deeper, and make them crie, O my heart, there is a false knaue among vs. 28 PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. Take away this beard, and giue me a pickedc vaunt, Martin sweares by his ten bones : nay, I will make him mumpe, mow, and chatter, like old Iohn of Paris garden before I leaue him. If Martin will fight Citie fight, wee challenge him at all weapons, from die taylors bodkin to the watchmans browne bil. If a field may be pitcht we are readie : if they scratch, wee will bring cattes : if scolde, we will bring women : if multiplie words, we will bring fooles : if they floute, we will bring quippes: if dispute the matter, we will bring schollers : if they buffet, we will bring fists. Deus bone, what a number of we will brings be here ? Nay, we will bring Bull to hang them. A good note and signe of good lucke, three times motion of Bull. Motion of Bull ? Why, next olde Rosses motion of Bridewell, Buls motion fits them best. Tria sequuntur tria, in reckoning Bull thrise, methinkes it should presage hanging. O bad application ; Bad ? I doo not thinke there can be a better, than to applie a knaues necke to an halter. Martin cannot start, I am his shadowc, one parte of the day before him, another behinde him ; I can chalke a knaue on his backe thrice a weeke, He let him bloud in the combe. Take heed, he will pistle thee. Pistle me? Then haue I a pestle so to stampe his pistles, that He beate all his wit to powder. What will the powder of Martins wit be good for ? Marie blowe vp a dram of it into the nostrels of a good Protestant, it will make him giddie ; but if you minister it like Tobacco to a Puritane, it will make him as mail as a Martin. PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 29 Goe to, a hatch before the doore, Martin smels thee, and wil not feare thee ; thou knowest how he deales with the Archbishop and a Counsellor, hee will name thee and that broudlie. Name me ? Mary he and his shall bee namefied, that's it I thirst after, that name to name, and knowing one another, wee may in the streetes grapple ; wee except none : wee come with a verse in our mouthes, courage in our hearts, and weapons in our hands, and crie Discite iustiliam moniti, et non, temnere diuos. Martins conscience hath a periwig ; therefore to good men he is more sower than wig : a Lcmman will make his conscience curd like a Posset. Now conies a biting speach, let mee stroake my beard thrice like a Germain, before I speak a wise word. Martin, wee are now following after thee with hue and crie, and are hard at thy heeles ; if thou turne backe to blade it, wee doubt not but three honest men shall bee able to beate sixe theeues. Weele teach thee to commit sacrilcdge, and to robbe the Church of xxiiij. Bishops at a blowe. Doost thinke that wee are not men Martin, and haue great men to defend vs which write? Yes, although with thy seditious cloase, thou would'st perswade her Maiestie, that most of the Gen tlemen of account and men of honour, were by vs diought Puritanes. No, it is your poore Iohns, that with your painted consciences haue coloured the religion of diuers, spreading through the veynes of the Common- . wealth like poyson, the doggednes of your deuotions ; D 30 TAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. which entring i„ like the smoothnes of oyle into the flesh, fretteU» in time like quicksiluer into the bones. When children play with their meate, tis a signe tiieir bellies are full, and it must be taken from them ; but if they tread it vnder their feete, diey ought to be ierkt. The Gospell hath made vs wantons, wee dallie widi Ceremonies, dispute of circumstances, not remembring that the Papists haue been making roddes for vs this thirlie yeares ; wee shall bee swing'd by them, or worse hy Martin, if Martins be worse. Neuer if it, for they bee worse with a witnesse, and let die diuell be witnesse. Wee are so nice, that the Cap is a beame in our Church, the booke of Common Prnier a milstone, the Pater noster is not well pend by Christ. Well, either religion is but policie, or policie scarce religious. If a Gentleman riding by the way with twentie men, a number of thceues should by deuise or force binde all his seruants ; the good Iustice of Peace would thinke he should be rol.,1. When Martinists rancke robbers of the Church shall binde the legges and armes of the Church, me thinkes the supreme head of the Church should looke pale. They diat pull downe the bells of a steeple, and say it is conscience, will blow vp the chauncell to make it the quintessence of conscience. Bir Ladie, this is a good settled speech, a Diuine might haue seemed to haue said so much. O sir, I am nor al tales, and rid dles, and rimes, and iestes, thats but my Liripoope, if Martin knock the bone he shall find marrow, and if he PAPPE WITH AN HATCHET. 31 looke for none, we'le knock the bone on his pate, and bring him on his marie bones. I haue yet but giuen them a fillip on the conceipt, Ik- fell it to thc ground hereafter. Nay, if they make their consciences stretch like chiuerell in the raine, He make diem crumple like parchment in the fire. I haue an excellent balme to cure anie that is bitten with Martin mad-dog. I am worth twentie Pistle-penners ; let them but chafe my penne, and it shal sweat out a whole realme of paper, or make the odious to the whole Realme. O but be not partial, giue them their due though they were diuels, so will I, and excuse them for taking anie money at interest. There is a good Ladie that lent one of these Mar tinists fortie pounds, and when at the daie shee required her money, Martin began to storme, and said, he diought her not the child of God, for they must lend, looking for nothing againe, and so to acquite himselfe of the blot of vsurie, he kepte the principall. These Martins make the Scriptures a Scriueners shop to drawe conueyances, and the common pleas of West minster to take forfeitures. Theyle not sticke to out law a mans soule, and seme it presently with an execu tion of damnation, if one denie them to lie with his neighbours wife. If they bee drunke, they say, they haue Timothie his weake stomacke, which Saint Paule willeth to warme with wine. They haue sifted the holie Bible, and left vs nothing as they say, butbranne; they haue boulted it ouer againe d 2 32 PArPE WITH AN HATCHET. and againe, and got themselues the fine meale ; tis meale indeede, for widi dieir wresting and shuffling holie Writ, they find all themselues good meales, and stand at liuerie as it were, at other mens tables. Sed heits tu, die sodes, will diey not bee discouraged for the common players ? Would those Comedies might be allowed to be plaid diat are pend, and then I am sure he would be decyphered, and so perhaps discouraged. He shall not bee brought in as whilom he was, and yet verie well, with a cocks combe, an apes face, a wolfs bellie, cats clawes, &c. but in a cap'de cloake, and all the best apparell he ware the highest day in the yeare, thats neither on Christmas daie, Good fridaie, Easter daie, Ascension, nor Trinitic sundaie, (for that were popish) but on some rainie weeke-daie, when the brothers and sisters had appointed a match for parti cular praiers, a thing as bad at the least as Auricular confession. A stage plaier, though he bee but a cobler by occu pation, yet his chance may bee to play the Kings part. Martin, of what calling so euer he be, can play nothing but the knaues part, qui tantum constans in knauitate sua est. if, j Would it not bee a fine Tragedie, when shewed at Mardocheus shall play a Bishoppe in a Play, Paules, it will cost and Martin Hamman, and that he that seekes you foure to „ujj