m u $WwSf& l(* m PUNCH Society Pictures OCIETY ICTURES DRAWN BY George du JVIaurier Selected from 'Punch" VOLUME ONE LONDON BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. Ld., 8, g, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE. Yvx u~ftn. Jig / fior ^ From "PUNCH.' x9 DRAWN BY George du Maurier. 1878. • MUSIC AT HOME. Hostess {to New Footman, after the Guests have departed). "By the bye, James, you brought in the Tea just as Signou Papagenuccio began to Sing. How could you make such a Mistake as that?" New Footman. "Beg pakdon, Ma'am, but the Company never left off Talking till the Singing began, and I was afkaid of interrupting the Conversation." SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH.* THE HEIGHT OF MAGNIFICENCE. 1880. Sir Gorgius Midas. "Hullo! where's all the rest of yer gone to?" Head Footman. "If Y'ou please, Sir Gorgius, as it was past Two o'Clock, and we didn't know for certain whether you was coming back here, or going to sleep ix the City', the bother Footmen thought they might go to bed " Sir Gorgius. " 'Thought they might go to Bed,' did they? A pretty State of Things, indeed ! So that if I'd a' 'appened to brought 'ome a Friend, there'd a' only been you Four to let us hin, hay ! " A CONSCIENTIOUS ARTIST. The Dean. "Mr. Snippe, i want you to make my Son a Hunting Suit ; just what you used to make for me, you know." Clerical Tailor. "I beg YOUR PARDON, Mr. DEAN. May- I inquire if the young Gentleman is in Holy Orders ? " The Dean. "No." Clerical Tailor. "Ah! to be Ordained shortly', I suppose ? " The Dean. "No, no ; he's not thinking of anything of the kind." Clerical Tailor. "Then I'm sorry to say I must decline the order, Mil. Dean ! " 7/ / '>tV~H A CONSCIENTIOUS ARTIST. 1880. SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," TAKING TIME BY THE FORELOCK. Gwendoline. "Uncle George says every Woman ought to have a Profession, and I think he's quite right!' Mamma. " Indeed ! And what Profession do you mean to choose ? " Gwendoline. "I mean to be a Professional Beauty!" AN INCOMPLETE AMUSEMENT. 1878. The Squire. "Well, Mossoo le Barrong, how did you like the Meet of the Queen's Hounds this Morning?" Distinguished Frenchman. "Over much! Ze Paysage it vos beautiful; ze Ladies, zey vark sharmeengs; and ze Costumes tare adorables ! But zaee vos no Promenade! no Band of Music! Kossim!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. THE STRAIGHT TIP. 1884. "And so now they're engaged! Well, Jessie, to think of you, with your Beauty and Accomplishments, and your Lovely Voice, being cut out by such an ignorant little Fright as that Maggie Quickson ! You Sanq to him, I suppose ? " "Yes, Mamma, by the hour! But she made urn Sing, you know, and played his Accompaniments for him!" "Why, can he Sing?" "No, Mamma; but she made him believe he could!" FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR. 1882. "Oh, PArA dear! I thought rou were going to Chaperon me! I never get a Partner when Mahxa comes!" SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH:' FELINE AMENITIES. 1886 "Look, Dear ! There's y'our Husband going in to Supper with Mrs. Scudamoee — a dangerously attractive Woman. Let me warn you ! " "How good of y'ou ! How I wish he was going in to Supper with you, Deae, instead ! " 'MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER."— (TALKING OVER THE BALL.) 1885. Cousin Sophia (talented and accomplished). "Yes; I like Me. Fibson, he's so Sensible. He told me he didn't caee a Rap foe Unintellectual Women, however Beautiful they might he ! " Cousin Bella (only pretty). "Did he, really? Why', he told me he couldn't bear Intellectual Women! He said Woman's Mission was to be Beautiful I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. AN EYE FOR ESSENTIALS. Mamma {House-hunting for the Season). "It's a good House foe a Dance, Emily ! " Emily. " The Rooms are eathee small, aren't they ? " Mamma (who knovs how Matches are made). " Yes ; but what a capital Staircase ! " LAYING IT ON TOO THICK. " How lovely your Wife is looking to-day, Sir George ! I've been admiring her all the Afternoon ! " " A — A — she's only just come ! " 1885. SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A DOUBLE DISAPPOINTMENT. 1876. Stern Hostess (who is giving Private Theatricals). "You are very Late, Mr. Fitz Smythe. They've begun long ago!" Languid Person of Importance (who abominates that particular form of Entertainment). " What ! You don't mean to Say THEYr'RE at it still ! " !! ' |., MJ AN EQUIVOCAL COMPLIMENT. 1882. "I'm so glad to meet you here, Captain Spinks— and so glad you're going to take me in to Dinner!" (Captain S. is delighted.) "You're about the only Man in the Room my Husband isn't likely to be Jealous of ! " [Captain Spinks' a delight is no longer unmixed. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT LAID ON WITH A TROWEL. Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "Dear Lady Gulps, how charmingly mlss gulps PLAYS ! " Mrs. Soapley (alio knows perfectly well). " What ! IS that lovely Child at the Piano your Daugiitlii, Lady Gulps ! To be sure i ought to have ouessed it from the likeness ! But to think that you've already got a daughter so grown up ! " Lady Gulps. "She's my Grand-daughter, if y'ou please ! By the bye, Mrs. Soapley, the Bishop and Lady Selina are coming to Dine with me on Wednesday'. It will give me so much pleasure if YOU," &C, &C, &C. [Mrs. P. de T. not in it this time ! 80ME PEOPLE LIKE IT LAID ON WITH A TROWEL. 1884. OVER-SCRUPULOUS. " My Husband is Vicae of St. Boniface — but I don't attend his Church." " Indeed ! How is that ? " " The fact is, I — I don't approve of Married Clergymen \ ' OVER-SCRUPULOUS. 1884. 1-C IO SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," RATHER A LARGE ORDER. Mrs.P.deT. "Well, good-bye, dear Duchess ! Oh, by the way, may i bring Von Humm to you to morrow night ? He's the Great Organist, you know ! " Her Grace. " By all means ! And tell him to bring his Instru ment with him." RATHER A LARGE ORDER. 1884 A DRAMA OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. By means of his Face and Attitude, Jones flatters himself he can express the deepest ix- terest in the conveesa- tion of a Bore, whlle is reality his attention is fixed on what is going on in some other part of THE ROOM. Just at present, old Mrs. Marrable is relat ing to Jones the harrow ing DETAILS OF HER LAIB Lamented 's last illness —while Captain Spinks is Popping the Question to Clara Willoughbt BEHIND ONE OF CHOPffl'S Mazurkas — and Jones has no doubt but thai his Face and Attitude are all Mrs. M. couid wish. A DRAMA OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. 1879. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. J r 1881. LADY GATHEREMALL AT HOME. (Informal Introductions are best — especially when formal ones are not forthcoming.) Ponsonhy de Tomkyns (to Mrs. P. de T., who is artfully protruding a tiny foot). "What's the good? His All Seeenity's as blind as a Bat. He'll only tread on it ! " Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns. "I mean him to!" Ponsonhy de Tomkyns. "What for?" Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns. "Why, ee'll have to apologise, Y'ou Goose, and then But there, leave it all to me, there's a Darling ! " [The august foreigner falls into the pretty little trap, and success crowns Mrs. P. de T.'s endeavours. * s CO n — M 0 LU « H 2 hH 0Z o < 85 t ) - T B h S - < o0 0 W a O Of) CO o D W h r so. 3 "§.2 H - M ft? ^B SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH. THE REWARD OF SYMPATHY. Young Genius (who has Iwd all the talk to himself, and, as usual, all about himself). " Well, good bye, dear Mrs. Meltham. It alway'S does me good to come and see tou.' i had such a Headache when i came, and now I've quite lost it." Mrs. MeltMm. " Oh it's not Lost. I've got rri" THE REWARD OF SYMPATHY. 1886. "OLD FRIENDS"— HOW TO SNUB THEM. 1884. Mrs. MacSmythe (who has got into a New Set). "Oh — ek — how d'ye do? So soeey I couldn't come to You and the Giels last night. Had to go to Mes. Masham's ! " Mrs. Fitzjones (her oldest Friend). " Indeed ! I hope it 'was a pleasant Paety ! " Mrs. MacSmythe. "Oh, very much so ! Everybody one knows was there, you know !" 14 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' A FLOWER OF FASHION. Fashionable Milliner. "You'll have the Flower on the Left Side of the Bonnet, of course, Madam ?" Fashionable Lady. " Well — er — No ! The Fact is, there's a Pillar on the Left Side of my Pew in Church, so that only the Might Side of my Head is seen by the Congregation. 0 r course I could change my Pew ! " Fashionable Lady's Husband. " Ya — as. Or even the Church, you know, if neces sary." [Fashionable Milliner considers the point. A FLOWER OF FA6HI0N, 1874. OUR MUSICAL DUCHESS GOES IN FOR PARISIAN CHANSONETTES. The Teacher (interrupting Her Grace's Rehearsal of "Coco chez sa Cousins"). ' ' Non — non — c'est pas COMME g A ! ECOUTEZ, Madame la Duchesse ! To 'av Succes, and make laugh ces Messieurs, you must be dr6le ! — and to be dr6le, y'ou must for GET you are Lady, parbleu ! and become Canaille — vat you call 'Jolly Cad,' you know! Look at me ! I 'av no Voice! I am not Musi cian! AND YET YOU PAY me two sousand franc to sing at your conceet ! Et pourquoi ? Vy ? Simply because — (it is no merit, for i vas born so) — simply because i am frrranche- ment Canaille ! Et voila ! " [ Winks knowingly. Her Grace. "Oh, do have patience with me, dear Madame Rigolot ! i'm sure i shall catch it IN TIME ! " OUR MUSICAL DUCHES8 GOES IN FOR PARISIAN CHANSONETTES. 1881. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 15 AN ALTERNATIVE. {Time, 9 P.M.) "Charles, Love, Lady Ledbury is at Home to-night, and Mrs. Gelasma has a Concert, and there's the Duchess of Ips wich's Dance. Now, are we going to these Places, or not ? For if we are, it is Time for me to go and Dress; and if we are not, it is Time for me to put a Mustard- Plaster on my Chest, some Flannel round my Throat, and go straight off to Bed I " AN ALTERNATIVE. 1878. UNSEEMLY INTERRUPTION. The New Foot man (stentoriously). " Mrs. Montgomery Jenkins's Car riage ! " Mrs. Montgomery Jenkins. "A — tell the Coachman to wait." New Footman. "Please, Ma'am, he says he can't. He says he's got another job at twenty minnits past Eleven I " UNSEEMLY INTERRUPTION. 1879. 16 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," AWKWARD. 1877. Algernon Fitztopsawycr (who has not caught his Partner's name). " Are you — A — going to the ' Pigstye ' ? " His Partner (hy name ' Miss Hogge,' whose Parents are about to give a great Ball). "Oh, yes ! I am One of the Litter ! 1887. FELINE AMENITIES. "Now which of these two Photographs op you may I have, dearest? The Beautiful one, or the one as I know you ? " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 17 mim: REFLECTED GLORY. Visitor. " And who are you, my little Man ? ' Cuthhert (with conscious pride). "I'm the Baby's Brother!" '' / m^! ivl EXTREMES MEETING. 1885- The Major (to Nephew, who wants taking down a hit, he thinks). "What ! you here, Percy! Ain't you rather Young to be going to Balls ? " Percy. "What, and you here too, Uncle! Why, I should have thought you'd given up this kind of Thing long ago!" 1— d i8 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" A GALLANT REPLY. Miss Lucy. "Here's where you and I are to Sit, Majoe!' The Major. " By Jove !— a— rather a Warm Place ! " 1882. Miss Lucy. "What — y'ou. a Major, and can't stand Fire !' The Major. "Not at my Back, y'ou know Miss Lucy!" A SPECIALITY. "Hang it, you've got an Umbrella of y'our own. Why' the deuce don't Y'OU stick it up ? " "Not if I know it, Old Man ! This Um brella was done up last May- by Monty' Brabazon, and has never been openei! since ! " "Monty Brabazon? Who's he ? " "Not know Lord Montague Brabazon ? Why he's about the only Man in London who really knows how to do up an Umbrella ! " A SPECIALITY. 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. i9 MUSIC AT HOME— WITH A VENGEANCE. 1882. Lady Midas. "How charmingly you Play, Hare Leebart! Dear Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns must really bring you down to Play to us at Midas Towers, our place in Surrey, you know, and— I will show you my Roses, the Finest Roses in all England ! Will Thursday suit you ? " Herr Leibhardt. "You are ferry veently, Matame! Pot I haf a Vife and Zix Jiltren, and— zey to not lif upon R6ses!" ilmlilmlllili DISTINGUISHED ^MATEURS.— THE PAINTER. DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE PAINTER. Royal Academician (po litely, as becomes an honoured guest). "Ah, now this is far and away the best of your Works, Major dlgby ! and that is say ing a great deal ! " Distinguished Amateur. " OH — A — WELL — THIS IS NOT BY me. It's by a poor young Lad I know, who's apprenticed to my Boot maker. But since you think 80 highly of his First Attempt, he'd bet ter give up his Trade and go in for Art as a Profession — eh ? " Royal Academician. ' ' Oh — a — um — eh? That al ters the case, you know. On the whole, I should strongly recommend youe young Friend to stick to Bootmakinq!" [Distinguished Amateur is extinguished, and R.A. feels he has added to the list of things he ought to Jiavc left unsaid. 1882. 20 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," OF THE WORLD WORLDLY. (Scene— The Entrance Hall cf Sir Gorgius Midas's London residence. ) Mamma. " Enfin, my Love ! We're well out of this ! ! Wha t a gang ! ! ! Where shall we go next ? " Daughter. "To Lady Os car Talbot's, Mamma ? " Mamma. " She snubs one so ! i really can't bear it! Let us go to Mes. Ponsonby de Tomkyns'. It's just as select (except foe the Host and Hostess), and quite as amusing." Daughter. " But Mes. Tomkyns snubs one worse than Lady Oscae, Mam ma ! " Mamma. " Pooh, my' Love ! who cares foe the snubs of a Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns, I should like to know, so long as she's clever enough to get the right people ! " OF THE WORLD WORLDLY. 1879. HERR PROFESSOR'S FIRST AND LAST APPEARANCE AT MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMKYNS'S. Herr Professor (with sud den impulse, to Ducal Amateur, whom he was accompanying in ' ' Deeper and Deeper still"). "Jake HANTS, MY TALENTFUL YOONG VEENT ! I HAF NEFFEE PEVOEE HEAET ZAT NOPLE REOIDADEEF ZUNG ZO VELL TO EGGSCBBRBSS ZE VORRTS!" Ducal Amateur (who, oc casionally, sings a little out of tunc). " A — Y'OU — a— FLATTER ME, I FEAR ! " Herr Professor. " Ach, no ! Vy, you gommenced it more OR LESS in B, you gondinued IT ZOMEVHERE APOUT B VLAT, AND YOU VINISHT IT ALMOST IN A ! — AND ALL ZE VHILE I VASS BLAYING ZE AGGOMBANI- MENT IN CH NOW, ZAT is 'Teeper and Teepee schtill,' and no misch- dake ! Jake Hants ! ! " [The witty Professor is g§ very proud of his "liddle pid of vun," and is always "wondering vy zat sehveet Mrs. Bun- senpy te Dombgyns has gomblecdly trapped him ! " HERR PROFESSOR'S FIRST AND LAST APPEARANCE AT MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMKYNS'S. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 21 AN OLLENDORFF WANTED. Fascinating Parisian. " Oh ! Miss Mary! Veuillez m'accorder encore une Valse, je vous en supplie !" Jealous Briton (sotto voce). "Say you're Engaged for all the rest of the Evening." Miss Mary. "Oh, je suis si fachee, Monsieur, mais je suis Fiancle pour tout la reste de la Soiree!" [Monsieur goes home and writes a Chapter on the temporary nature of English betrothals. A DILEMMA. "What are you puzzl ing over, Ponsonby ? " " I'm trying to answer a Note from the ' dear Duchess,' as you call her. She's done me the honour to write and ask if that St. Bernard Pup i gave her should be fed on Meat or Biscuits?" "Well, Biscuits, shouldn't it ? " "Of course. But she spells Biscuits with a Iv, you see, and i don't like to spell it properly for feae of hueting hee Geace's feelings ; and yet i don't want it to get about that i spell Biscuits with a K." "Say Meat, then !" "But she spells Meat with two E's ! ! " A DILEMMA. 22 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," MISPLACED AND UNCALLED-FOR CONFIDENCES. 1882. Festive Host {who has been told hy his Wife to make himself agreeable). "Uncommon slow, ain't it, Sir Pompey? Fact is, my Wife thought it would be rather Fun to ask all the Bores who've asked us, and get 'em to meet bach other, and pay them off in that way, you know ! And she did, by Jove ! And the best of it is, they've all come! ! ! ! ! !" HYPERCRITICISM. Grace (whispering). "What lovely Boots your Partner's got, Mary!" Mary(dillo). "Yes, unfortunately he shines at the Wrong End." 1879. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 23 A BAD ENDING. "Well, William, what's become of Robert?" "What, 'aven't you 'eard, Sir?" "No ! Not Defunct, I hope !" "That's just exactly what he 'as done, Sir, and walked off with heveeything he could lay his 'ands on ! " 1880. TWO SIDES TO A QUESTION. It's all very well to talk of Sticking to your Old Friends, whether they be prosperous or the reverse! But what if they resemble Billy Scatcherd, for instance ? You ask B. S. to Dinner, to meet your respected Father-in-law (the Dean), and General Jenkinson, and the Member for Hornsey, and, worst of all, Sir Gorgius Midas and Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns — not to mention the better halves of these important People — and dear Old Billy', who hates Humbug, and scorns Worldly Success, and still Pawns his Watch to pay his Rent, insists on reminding y*ou across the Table of the Good Old Days when you used to do the same : and as a piquant set-off against your present Splendour, tells that capital Story of how you managed to go Tick for a whole Twelvemonth at a certain Tripe and Trotter Siiop in Druuy Lank, and -mii» Settled the Bill with a Hat and Coat your Grandmother lent you to go to your Grandfather's Funeral — and all this -with the Servants in the Room, confound him I and that spiteful little Bohemian Minx, Mrs. Scatcherd, gobbling MVAY FOR THIS -WrcKIC UTC1--OHE A.-ND THK WKKK TO COM IS, AN U IU-.V ELLI N U IN YUUJt Wu.li'a Ilt.AOIC J.OOKB AT ^U17 / SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." -o lJLUf.l£j-- A REASON FOR CALLING. 1875. Visitor (naively). "Well, I certainly never Dreamt I should find you at Home on such a lovely Afternoon as this ! " QUALIFYING A SWEEPING ASSERTION. 1881. Sophie (after hearing about Frank). "I declare I shall not believe a word a Man says to me. They're all Liars ! " Beatrice. "For shame, Sophie!" Sophie (regretfully). "At least all the Nice Ones are !" 1— E 26 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," PUTTING HER FOOT IN IT. Fashionable Lady. "Now, this is about the woest Daub of the whole Collection ! " Distinguished Acade mician (of whose Artistic Profession his Fair Com panion is ignorant). " I'm SOEEY' Y'OU SHOULD THINK so, foe it's Mine ! " Fashionable Lady. " You don't mean to say you Bought that?" Distinguished Acade mician. "No; but I Painted it ! " Fashionable Lady. " Oh — oh, i am so sorry ; but you eeally mustn't mind what i say, foe I'm no Critic at all. I — i only eepeat what Everybody says, you KNOW — A " PUTTING HER FOOT IN IT. MUSIC AT HOME. He. " Ee — 'm awf'ly fond of Music — ain't you? Not this sort of thing, you know. Can't STAND THE DrAWING-ROOM amateue — nevah could. Soeey to say've not been to heah Madame Schu- mackee this yeah. Nevah had time. Told she's in splendid form. Like hee Playing awf'ly — should know her Touch a mile off. Dying to heah hee " She. "So AM I— AND II YOU WOULD ONLY BE SO VEEY KIND AS JUST TO hold youe Tongue, I DAEE SAY WE MIGHT BOTH MANAGE TO HEAR HBS NOW ! " [Madame S. lias hem playing for the last Ten Minutes ! MUSIC AT HOME. 1884. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 27 HIGHLY GENTEEL. Sir Charles. "By the bye, Mes. de Tompkyns, do you know youe Neighbours the Ponsonby de Talbots ' Mrs. Peter de Tompkyns. "A— no !— strange to say, foe they aee a kind of Connection of oues." Sir Charles. " Indeed I How so ? " Mrs. Peter de Tompkyns. "We have the same Monogram, you know ! " 1878. 'UTILE DULCI." 1877- " A— youb Skirt is quite safe, Mes, Miniver ! A— pray take my Arm I" 28 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," MUSIC AT HOME. (THE EGOISM OF GENIUS.) 1883. Eminent Violinist. "Dell me— who is dat liddle pald old Chendleman viz ze Vite Viskees and ze Bince-nez, looking at ze Bigchus ? " Hostess. " It's my Uncle Robeetson. I'm geieved to say he is quite Deaf ! " Eminent Violinist. "Ach, I am zo zorry fok him! He vill not pe aple to hear me blay ze Vittle !" TO SUPERSEDE LAWN-TENNIS-THE BUBBLE-PARTY. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 29 misplaced sympathy. 1ec5. "Well? Have you caught any Fish, Billy?" "Well, I really caught Two I But they were quite Young, poor little Things, and so they didn't know how to BOLD ONI" OH! HORROR! Tommy (suddenly — on his way home from Church). "What did you take out of the Bag, Mamma ? / only got Sixpence ! Look heee ! " 1876. OH I HORROR I 3° SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," OUTWARD BOUND. Smythe, Forbes, and Parkinson, feaeing lest they should succumb to the chaems of maud, Maeian, AND Maegaeet wllmot (and the wiles ® of those young ladies' clever Mamma), secure Berths on board the trans - Oceanic Steam Yachting Company's Vessel Colombo for a Trip round the Woeld. Just as they have paid their Fares (£800 each), whom should they meet coming into the Company's Office but Mes. Wilmot herself, with her theee lovely daughtees at hee heels — all foue evi dently bent on the same errand. OUTWARD BOUND. 1881. SNOB-SNUBBING. 1886. He (after surveying the Company). "Mixed Lot I Hardly a Gentleman in the Room!" She (innocently). " Not one— that / can see 1 " THE DANCING MAN. 1886. She. "Awfully nice Dance at Mrs. Masham's last night!" He. "Yaas. Weee you theee?" She. " Was I there? Why— I danced with you Three Times!' He. "Really! So glad I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER 3i AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION. He. "Are you— a— going to Lady Gulps's Dance?" She. 1884. FLOWERS OF MODERN SPEECH AND SENTIMENT. 1882. ' I— a— don't know yet ! Who asks her Men for hee ? ' Our Gallant Colonel. " And where and how have you spent the Summer, Miss Golightly ? " Miss Golightly. "Oh, I sat in a Punt with my favourite Man— a quite too delicious Man ! " DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.— THE ACTOR AND ACTRESS (SUBURBAN). 1882. DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. Uncle Jack (a great Theatre goer). '"Ullo, my Dears! So you're going in for Private Theatricals, eh ? And what's it going to be ? ' Only a Halfpenny ! ' or ' Ici on Parle Fran- 9AIS ' ? " Egbert. "Oh no. Nothing of that sort. We are going to give 'The Cup,' by Alfred Tennyson." Uncle Jack. "You don't say so. And where are Y'OU going to give it ? " Egbert. "A — here, in the Back Drawing-room." Uncle Jack. ' ' Well I never ! And who's going to take Ellen Terry's part ? " Dorothea (who flatters her self she bears a striking re semblance to that Lady). " I AM." Uncle Jack. ' ' Goodness gracious ! And have you INVITED ANY'BODY yet, be sides MYSELF ? " Dorothea. " Oh yes. every'body we know in London." Uncle Jack. " Gracious goodness ! And where are you going to put 'em all, if they come ? " Dorothea and Egbert. "Oh, that's treir look out, you know ! " 32 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." AT THE COUNTY CATTLE AND DOG-SHOW. 1377. " that repose Which stamps the caste of Verb de Veue." "Haw— by the bye— a— Lady Mawiah, I don't see youe Sistaiis— Lady Wachel and Lady' Fwedewica?" "They're gone to the Dogs, Sie Wobeet." "Haw ! So Sawwy ! !" r- "S ¦ « A « S3 SS? ^ s. s 2 I ? .2 ^1 ;S* i \8 X x So SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" 1879. THE REWARD OF MERIT. Mrs. Lyon Hunter. "How do you do, Mi:. Brown? Let me present you to the Duchess of Stilton ! Youe Geace, permit me to peesent to you Mr. Brown, the distinguished Scholae ! " Her Grace (affably). " Chaemed to make youe acquaintance— er— Me. Beown ! " Mr. Brown (with effusion). "Youe Grace is really too kind. This is the ninth time I've enjoyed the distinction of being presented to your Grace WITHIN THE LAST TWELVE MONTIIS ; BUT It's A DISTINCTION I VALUE SO HIGHLY, THAT WITHOUT TRESPASSING TOO MUCH ON YOUR GRACE'S INDULGENCE, I HOPE I MAY BE OCCASIONALLY PERMITTED TO ENJOY IT AGAIN!" r n [Bows, and absquatulates. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 35 DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.— THE PAINTER AGAIN. 1883. Lord Isidor. "It's— a— just a little Incident in Modeen Life, Duchess! A Young Lady, you know, walking into a Painter's Studio, and dumbstruck at the sight of the Lay Figure ! " The Duchess. " Charming ! Charming ! So natural ! And tell us, Loed Isidoe, which of the two is the Lay Figure, now ? " ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. Suburban Belle. "How delightful it must be to spend cheistmas in a geeat Countey House — like Stilton Grange, foe instance." Delightful Stranger (from London). "Yaas. By' the bye, Hee Geace of Stilton has just written to say she EXPECTS Me theee for Christmas Week. S'pose I SHALL HAVE TO GO ! " Suburban Belle. ' ' Won't you find it rather Lonely? " Delightful Stranger. "Lonely? A — why ? " Suburban Belle. ' ' Because I saw in to-day's Morning Post that the Duke and Duchess and Family are not expected back from Aus tralia before February!" [Collapse of Delightful Stranger. ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD. 1885. SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PU^CH," AN OVERTAXED INTELLECT. 1882. "And what is your new Regiment?" "My new Regiment? Oh, it's the— a— a— a— a they've got Green on the Cuff, you know, and you go to it from the Waterloo Station ! " A SECRET. 1881. "My dear! She's fearfully got up! No wonder she looks Young!" "My dear! I'm told she always goes to Bed the whole Afternoon, when she's coming out in the Evening. We should look like that, if we took the same care of ourselves ! " PR&wti B F GE ORGE DU MA URIER. 37 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. 1888. "Why, here we are again, for the Sixth Time! Now, if I had wanted to see you, I dare say we should never HAVE MET AT ALL! " 'SO NEAR-AND YET SO FAR, Scene — A Dance in Bayswater. 1888. Daughter of the House. "Do you know many People here, Mr. Snookson?" Prize Idiot (from Kensington). " Aw— not A soul, I can assure you ! Aw— I confess I'm quite out of my bearings anywhere North of the Park, aw ! " SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; AT MAD.AME ALDEGOND'S (REGENT STREET). First Dressmaker. "Do you — a — wear Chamois Leather Underclothing?' New Customer. "No; ceetainly not." First Dressmaker. "Oh! then pray take a Seat, and I will send the Second Dressmaker! 1879. A SUBTLE DISTINCTION. 1881. Jones (who is of an inquiring mind). "Ain't you getting tired of heaeing People say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize !' ?' Miss Belsize (as Professional Beauty). "Oh, no. I'm getting tirep of hearing People say, ' Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize ? ' DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 39 A CHOICE OF EVILS. 1885. Mrs. Masham. "What a lot of Dust there is, Mabel ! Shall we nAVE the Hood of the Caeeiage put up in Front?' Mabel. "Oii.no! We shouldn't see Anybody ! " Mrs. Masham. "Shall we hate it dp uiimd, then!" Mahel. "Oh, that would be still worse, for Nobody would see Us!" 'I THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1885. She. "Would you mind putting my Lawn-Tennis Shoes in your Pockets, Mr. Green?" He. "I'm afraid my Pockets are hardly big enough, Miss Gladys ; but I shall be delighted to carry them for you I" AO SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," AWKWARD STYLE OF COMPLIMENT. 1883. Jones. "Just seen your Children Mrs. Quiverful. What little Darlings they are ! Quite a Nest of Golden Eggs !" [Mrs. Q. is wondering whether Jones means to insinuate that she's a Goose ! TROUBLES OF A DANCING-MAN. "Good Heavens! what's the matter, old Chappie ? Indigestion ? " ' ' Indigestion, 1 n deed ! I've promised this Waltz to Lady Gorgonzola Geimshaw. The Music's actually begun — and— and — i '\'e lost the Solitaire out of my Suirt-Front ! " TROUBLES OF A DANCING-MAN. 1882 DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 4i A FIX. Hospitable Lady (with in teresting Daughters). " Ah ! How do you Do, Captain Lovell ? What an Age since we Met ! Aee you Engaged this Evening?" Soft Hearted Captain (who likes all interesting Daughters). " Er — No ! " Hospitable Lady. " Then come and Dine with us ! " Soft Hearted Captain. "You're very Kind! Most happy ! At what o'Clock ? " Hospitable Lady. "A Quarter to Eight. Au revoir!" Soft Hearted Captain (suddenly recollecting that he has completely forgotten who the- Hospitable Lady is, and not liking to say so). " 0 — er — hum ! Ah ! — by the bye — er — where are you Staying now?" Hospitable Lady. " 0, the same old Place — No. 16. Au revoir!" [Exit Hospitable Lady. A FIX. 1873. ART AND FASHION. Our Artist and his fashion able Sitter compare Notes about Paris. He begins : — " you went to the 'Louvre,' of course?" " i should think so, in deed ! before going any where else ! i spent all my Time there ! What a beautiful place ! " "An ! And what end less Stores of noble artistic Wealth ! " "Yes ! so Artistic ! And the Attendants so Civil, you know." "H'm! pretty well! But all is well managed. Such Cleanliness ! Sucn Order ! " " Yes ! And those lovely Balloons they give one, with 'Louvre' pv.inted on them, y'ou KNOW ! " [Our Artist is thinking of thi famous Museum: his fashionable Sitter of the still more famous linen- draping and silk-mer- cing emporium which hears the same name, and where they give you a hjdrogsn balloon to take away with you, along with your purchase. And a wonderful adver tisement that balloon is ! Verb. sap. ART AND FASHION. 2— G 42 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH? TRUE ARTISTIC REFINEMENT. " Died of a colour, in aesthetic pain." Hostess. "We're goinc down to Supper, Mr. Mirabel. Let me intro duce you to Miss Chal mers." Mr. Mirabel. " A — par don ME — IS THAT THE TALL Young Lady standing by your Husband?" Hostess. " Yes. She's THE MOST CHARMING GlBL I KNOW." Mr. Mirabel. "I've no doubt. But — a — s h e affects aniline Dyes, don't you know. J weally couldn't go down to suppah with a young Lady who wears Mauvb twimmings in her skirt, and Magenta Wibbons in her Hair ! " TRUE ARTISTIC REFINEMENT. 1877. MUSICAL EGOTISM. 1877. Herr Maestro (who has been indulging the Company with two Masses, three Symphonies, a dozen Impromptus, and a few other little thinas of his own). " Vill you not now Zing zomzing, Miss Anchelica ? " Miss Angelica (with diffidence, pulling off her gloves). " H'm !— H'm !— I'm afraid I'm a little Hoarse to-day ; but if " Herr Maestro (with alacrity). "Ach s6h ! In zat case I vill not bress you. I haf gomb&set a Zonata in F moll— shall I BLAYilFORYOU? Yes I [Proceeds to do so. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. A3 SIC TRANSIT GLORIA MUNDI! (Dialogue between a Fashionable Lady and an Ordinary Being of the Male Sex. ) "Good Heavens, Mrs. Brown, what extraordinary People one meets here ! Do tell me, who's that wonderful Old Gentleman Mrs. Lyon Hunter is greeting so cordially ? " "That's Bellamy Nuprins!" " ' Bellamy ? ' ' NUPKINS ? ' who's he ? " " Why, Bellamy Nuprins, the famous Author ! " " Dear me ! Never heard of him in my Life ! Is there a Mrs. Bellamy Nupkins ? " "There was! Bellamy Nuprins is a Widower." " And who was Mrs. Bellamy Nuprins ? " '•'On, she was a Miss Wilhelmina Willoughby de Rigby — Digby, or something." "What? you don't mean a Second Cousin of the late Lord Tolington's ? " ': i eelieve so." "Ah! to be sure! Yes, yes! iVoip I begin to understand who Bellamy Nuprins is — or rather was!" o * . CO u " X - ~ n a % III C-. = § a _) tj H a C? h J & 2 * 1 -<¦*•£ 3 <1 S 5? A o * 3 a <; J 0 ^ .- S « S- -< s .S 1 « ^ _ !« -< o - O B a CO »£ 0 .^ ^ H %*' s s Hi 1! J p! (5 1= ¦«! : <) >", CO CO « t> & PS UREL Mar go ?' ¦< - L lao 2 3 CO H 2 o a t< & > r, o < « § b- V, J* -< < o & O 3 w 1" H « w 9 w EO & fi c. O H o H3g fc. O - : ^ : ^ .§ i2 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH.' 45 DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ETCHER. ( Who thinks the Royal Academy ought to let him have a Boom all to himself.) 1880. Distinguished Amateur (commendable for his Dinners, his Pretty Daughters, and his exquisitely -appointed Studio). " There ! it 's easy enough to Draw, my Friend ! I etched that Study in Five Minutes! — but the ' Biting- in' has taken me Two Years! That's the Seventeenth State of the Plate ! " Our Artist (naturally anxious to make himself agreeable). "Excellent! awfully good ! That Black Kitten pawing the Air in FEONT OP THE PARLOUR GRATE IS MOST LIFE-LIKE, AND THE TEXTURE OF YOUR PERSIAN HeAETHRUG IS SIMPLY' ADMIRABLE ! — SHOULD KNOW IT ANYWHERE ! " Distinguished Amateur. "Hearthrug! Geate ! ! Kitten!!! Why, that's a Windmill on a Heath, Man — against an evening sky ! " [Colloypse of Our Artist ; collapse of Pretty Daughters ; collapse of everybody except Distinguished Amateur. 1887. A MALADE IMAGINAIRE. < Why!— has your Dachs got a Sore Theoat, Lizzie ?"—" No ; but he thinks he has !" 46 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A VENIAL MISTAKE. 1879- New Beauty (unversed as yet in the mysteries of High Life). " Who's that wonderful Old Gentleman ? " The Captain. "Sir Digby de Rigby, a Hampshire Baronet; one of the oldest in England; James the First's creation, you KNOW. New Beauty (determined to be surprised at nothing). MORE THAN SEVENTY OR EIGHTY ! " ' Indeed ! How well preserved he is ! I shouldn't have thought him THE QUESTION OF THE DAY. 1888. Mrs. Wistful. "What Happy People you are, to have Six nice Daughters ! What Resources for your Old Age !" Mr. Quiverful. "Yes. Resources enough! But the Difficulty, nowadays, consists in Husbanding one's Resources!' DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 47 LAWN l.-TRIALS OF THE UMPIRE AT A LADIES' DOUBLE. Lilian and Claribel. "It was Out, wasn't it, Captain Standish?" Adeline and Eleanore. 'Oh, it wasn't Out, Captain Standish, was it?' Si. INDEPENDENCE. Elder Sister (condescendingly). "See, Ethel, you had better come and Walk in my Shadow. It will be cooler for you!" younger Sister (who resents patronage). "You are very good, Maud; but I have a Shadow of my own, thank you l" 48 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," EPISODE IN HIGH LIFE. 1879- The Lady Kerosine de Colza. "I cannot tell you how pleased I am to meet You here, Dr. Blenkinsop, and especially to go down to Dinner with you." Dr. Blenkinsop (an eminent Physician, much pleased). "You flatter me, I'm sure, Lady Kerosine!" Lady Kerosine. "Oh, no I It's so nice to sit by Somebody who can tell you what to Eat, Drink, and Avoid, you know !" WORLDLY WISE. 1877. First Mother of Daughters. "Have you called on the Cholmondeley Joneses yet?" Second Ditto. "Yes, I heard they were going to give a Ball, and so I called last Saturday." First Ditto (in a tone of superiority). " Ah ! / heard that the Ball was not coming off, and so I didn't ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. RIVALS IN SOCIAL SUCCESS. 1880' Scene- — Staircase of Ducal Mansion. The Duchess at Home. " Small and Early." Mrs. Jones (a new Beauty, with more surprise than pleasure). "Well, I never! Mr. and Mrs. Robinson, of all people! ! And how came you here ? " Mrs. Robinson (a still newer Beauty). "We drove, dear Mrs. Jones. You don't mean to say you came on foot!" 1877. HAPPY THOUGHT. Norse "Well Master Tom, and so the Twins are going to be Christened to-moreow. What shall we call them?' Tom (mindful of his Mother's fashionable proclivities). "If we want to please Mamma, we'd better call them Marshall and Snelgrove!" 2— H 5o SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" DE GUSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM. (at least not by beautiful people of either sex.) Adonis (after his Guests have departed). "By Jove, Maria, what a Handsome Woman Mrs. Jones is ! She looks better than ever ! " His Wife. " Ahem ! Well, it may be my bad Taste, but I own I have hitherto failed to de tect the Beauty of Mrs. Jones. Now, Mr. Jones is good-looking, if you LIKE ! " Adonis. "Jones good- looking ! Come — hang it, Maria, Jones is a very good Fellow, and all that ; but i must say I've never perceived his Good Looks ! " &c, &c DE GUSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM. 1876. NOBLESSE OBLIGE. Interlocutor. " Who^s that showy woman who Talks and Laughs so loud, and digs People in THE RIBS ? " Interlocutrix. "Oh, that's the Duchess of Bay'swater. She was a Lady Gwendolen Beau- manoir, you know ! " Interlocutor (with warmth). "Ah! to be sure ! That accounts for her high-bred ease, her aristocratic Sim plicity of Manner, her natural and straight FORWARD Interlocutrix (putting up her eye-glass). "By the BYE, PARDON ME ! I HAVE UNINTENTIONALLY MIS INFORMED you ; It's Mrs. Judkins. She's the Widow of an Alderman, and her Father was a Cheese monger in the New Cut!" Interlocutor. " Dear me !— Ah ! — Hum !— er — Hum !— Ha ! That quits alters the case ! She is very Vulgar, I must say — a wful ! i wonder she's admitted into decent Society ! ' ' [N.B.— It was the Duchess, after all. NOBLESSE OBLIGE. 1876. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 51 THE WISH TO PLEASE " Oh ! now do you do, my dear Miss Robinson, so glad to see you looking so Well! By the way, how Lovely you looked at my Dance last Wednesday ! Everybody was asking who you were, I assure you ! " t' J! I—I--I WASN'T THERE ! I HAD A BAD COLD AND SORE THROAT, YOU KNOW ! " "un 1878. HUMILITY IN SPLENDOUR. The Rev. Lazarus Jones (who lias been honoured by an invitation to lunch with that great man, Sir Gorgius Midas, just returned from America). " I suppose you are glad to get back to your comfortable House again, Sir Gorgius ? " SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH:' 53 ALARMING SCARCITY, 1874. Scene — Club Smoking-Room. Aw ! — GOING ANYWHERE ? " -ASKED TO TEN ' HOPS ' TO-NIGHT ! THE IDEA HAS COMPLETELY FLOORED ME ! " First Young Swell. Second Ditto. "No! Third Ditto. "By Jove! I've been thinking of letting myself out at Ten Pounds a Night. A Fellow might recoup HIMSELF FOR A BAD BOOK ON THE DERBY." AT A SMOKING CONCERT. Herr Professor. "You haf a eleasing foice, my young vrent ! pot you ton't brotuce it in a lechidimate Vay ! " Our Tenor. " Per haps IF I DID IT WOULD NO LONGER PLEASE." Herr Professor. " Ach ! A7 AT OF DAT ? BLEASURE IS NOT EFFERY DING ! YOU SHOULD ALVAYS BROTUCE YOUR FolCE IN a Lechidimate Vay, vedder it kifs blea- sure or not!" AT A SMOKING CONCERT. 54 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH* THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD.— 1. 1885. Visitor at Country House. "By the bye, you didn't know who I was this Morning, Marguerite!' Small Daughter of the House. " No ; who were you ? " THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD.— 2. Grandmamma. "Hark, Dorothy! Do you hear the Puff-Puff? Dorothy. "The Locomotive, I suppose you mean, Grandmamma!' 1885. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 55 A DAUGHTER OF EVE. "NOW THEN, EFFIE, COME ALONG!" " Just let me Stop here for a Moment, Mamma. I want to get an Idea or two for Parker." [Parker is the Lady's-Maid. AWKWARD REVELATIONS. 1888. EMc "Georgie and I have been down-stairs in the Dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and WlpEf..' Mr. Mitcham. "How did you do that, my dear?" vme "Why Georgy sat at one end of the Table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This Food isn't fit to EAT I" AND I SAID, ' It's ALL YOU'LL GET!' AND GEORGY SAID, ' DAM ! ' AND I GOT UP AND LEFT THE ROOM ! " 56 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" SWEET SYMPATHY. Scene — The Cloak Room. Enter Claea (cet. 17), conscious of having made the conquest of the evening, and expectant of a shower of congratulations and chaff. Cousin (cet. 29). "How I did feel foe you all the Evening, you poor Dear! Intoleeable of that deeadful young FiTZMADDEU TO VICTIMISE YOU SO ! . REALLY AWFUL THE WAY THAT STYLE OF MEN THINK THEY MAY TEEAT VERY YOUNG GiRLS ! ! ! " WEDDING GIFTS. Bride. "Oh, Mamma ! — see what's just come !" Mamma. " Chakming ! — how kind of them! Who sent it?" Bride. "Oh, I didn't look. But it makes No. 248 !" Sister (who is writing out the list of presents). " 249, Darling ; 248 came just after Lunch ! " 1879. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 57 THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW. 1883. Mamma (to Maud, who has been with her Brother to the Play, and is full of it). " But was there no Love in the Piece, then ? " Maud. "Love? Oh dear no, Mamma. How could there be? The principal Characters were Husband and Wife, you know ! " -W AFTER THE PARTY. 1881. Elderly Coquette. "And I'm sure you naughty Girls sat up ever so late, TALKING US OVER ! HOW I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE HID MYSELF BEHIND A SCREEN AND BlARDiTALLl" Horrid Boy. "No, you wouldn't!" 2—1 5» SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH,- DANGERS OF INDIS CRIMINATE PRAISE. (A CAUTION TO MOTHERS.) Mrs. Tomlinson (to ex tremely eligible Young Lady). "I'm sirs; you'll like my Son Richard, my dear Miss Goldmore ! Not that he's exactly Bril liant, YOU KNOW, BUT he's so Steady and Good. Spends all his Evenings at Home, AND ALWAYS IN Bed BY Eleven ! He's neveis given me an hour's Uneasiness in his Life ! " "Good gracious!" exclaims Miss Golb- more, and instantly conceives for rlchakd a feantic aversion. [ Which is not lessened when she discovers that he's that Modest Youth in the back ground, pulling mi his glove. DANGERS OF INDISCRIMINATE PRAISE. 1883. THE SPREAD OF CHRISTIAN CHARITY. Mrs. Mowbray de Fere Smilhcrs. "Here's- THAT HORRID VlCOMTE DE Sainte-Aldegonde, as he calls himself, who stole Lord Masham's Sleeve Studs at Monte Carlo, and was sent to Prison ; HE WAS A GARgON DE Caff, or Something, and his real name is ceapulot. i wonde1! such People are ad mitted anywhere!" The Colonel. "But— paedon me— surely i met him at your House last Night l Mrs. Mowbray de Vert Smithers. 'Oh, every body ASKS HIM, YOU KNOW — SO OF COURSE 1 DO !' THE SPREAD OF CHRISTIAN CHARITY, 1885. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 59 KLy^^r- 1886. FASHIONABLE ENTER TAINMENTS. Her Grace. "Thank you so much for keeping such nice Places for us, Judge ! It was quite a Treat ! What romantic -looking Ceeatueestheyaee, those foue Pirates ! I suppose they really did cut the Captain and Mate and Cook into bits, and there's no doubt about the Verdict ? " Sir Draco. "Very little INDEED, I FEAE ! " Her Grace. "Pooedeaes! i suppose if i and the Girls get there between Five and Six to-morrow, we shall be in time to see you pass the Sentence? Sorry to miss your Sum ming-up, BUT WE'VE GOT AN Afternoon Concert, you know ! " Sir Draco. "I'll take care that it shall be all right for you, duchess ! " FASHIONABLE ENTERTAINMENTS. AN ACCOMPLISHED MUSICIAN 1878. AN ACCOMPLISHED MUSICIAN. Sir Charles (an eligible bachelor, who is passionately fond of Music, and evidently admires Miss Madeline). "Those are awfully dif ficult Valses you'ee tlaying, mlss madeline. I SUPPOSE you've PEACTISED THEM NO END ! " Miss Madeline(ingcnuously gazing at Sir Charles, and continuing to play with great brilliancy and precision). " 0 DEAE, NO, SlE CHAELES. i nevee saw them befoee ; indeed, i nevee even heard the composer's name until mrs. blenk insop asked me to play them for the young ones to Dance to. It's so nice to be able to make ONESELF USEFUL. Don't YOU THINK SO?" &C, &C, &C. [Sir Charles's admira tion for a young Lady who can thus play diffi cult Music at sight, while she looks softly at him, and talks so plea santly, knows no hounds. 6o SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; EXPERIMENTUM IN CORPORE VILI. 1880. Head Milliner. You will now be able to judge, Madam, how becoming a Green Wreath is to a Person with your Coloured Hair ! " COMPARINQ NOTES. 1681. "A Dull Season? I think not ! So many People have given Dances, you know !' "Not in our Set, at all events — for we've not been asked to any I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 61 WHERE THE SHOE PINCHES. Eldest Daughter. "I think you might let me come out, Mamma! I'm Twenty, you know, and surely I've finished my Education ! " Festive Mamma (hy no means prepared to act the part of Chaperone and Wallflower). "Not yet, my Love. Society is so hollow 1 I really must preserve that sweet Girlish Freshness of yours a little while longer I " ANNALS OF A WINTER HEALTH RESORT. Lady Visitor. "On, that's your Doctor, is it ? What sort of a Doctor is he ? " Lady Resident. " Oh, well, I don't know much about his Ability ; but he's got a very good Bedside Manner I " ANNALS OF A WfNTER HEALTH RESORT. 1884. 62 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' A DIPLOMATIC ANSWER. Lady Godiva. ' But surely, Doctor, you don't approve of those horrid .Esthetic Fashions in Women's Dress ? " The Doctor. " My dear Madam, so long as a Woman is Beautiful, she may wear whatever she likes, for me ; and ip she isn't, WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT SHE WEARS ? " [Lady G. thinks the Doctor a most delightful person, and quite agrees with him ! 1887- 1882. SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST. A DIPLOMATIC ANSWER. Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt). "Oh ! Forgive me! You see it's my Natural Instinct to Detain you ! " THE DANCING MAN OF THE PERIOD 1882. "A— SORRY I CAN'T GIVE YOU A DaNCE JUST YET, MlSS FiTZJONES. MlGHT PERHAPS MANAGE ONE FOR YOU LATER ON ; TnAT IS IF you may Stop long enough, you know ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER C\ 1 1 1 / 1 v'% \\\-v accuracy. " And what then was the Date exactly of your poor Husband's Death ? " " Let me recollect myself, Ma'am ! Well, if he'd 'a Lived to Wednesday next, 1882. he'd 'a been Dead Three Weeks ! " A GENEROUS TRIUMPH. " What's wrong between you and Smythe, that you don't speak ? " "Haw! Fact is, we were both WlVALS FOR THE hand of the same young Lady — a ce- lebwated beauty, you know! — and — well, i don't want to bwag, but i got the best of it. Poor Smythe!" "My dear Fel low, A THOUSAND congratulations ! " "Thanks awf'ly! We both proposed last week, you know, and she accepted — a — HIM!" A GENEROUS TRIUMPH. 1880. THE HEIGHT OF MASHERDOM. '¦ Well, Ta-ta, old Man ! My People are waiting up for me, you know ! " " why, don't you carry a latch-key ? " "Caery a Latchkey ! Not I ! A Latch-key 'd spoil any Feller's figure !" 64 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1879. EPISODES IN HIGH LIFE. (From Jcames's Sketch-hook.) Sir Charles. " I ought to take you down to Dinner, Duchess ; but the Staircases of these London Houses are so absurdly narrow,' YOU KNOW ! " 66 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1879. RATHER AWKWARD. Young Ratlleton Bragge (affahly to middle-aged Stranger, whom he finds alone in Brou'nc's Studio). "Good Picture, ain't it! Old Stilton's bought it— the Duke, you know. Browne's going down to Stilton to shoot. Wish I could go with him ; but I'm booked in London till Christmas — just my luck ! Capital old boy, Stilton ! Looks like an old-clothesman ; gets tight after dinner ; tells rummy stories ; makes you roar ! Fine old place — capital shooting I Awf'ly jolly Girls, the Ladies CAMEMBERT — NEARLY A DOZEN OF 'EM, ALL FRECKLED. DUCHESS TREMENDOUS MATCH MAKER — BAG YOU BEFORE YOU CAN SAY 'JACK ROBINSON,' IF YOU DON'T LOOK OUT 1 A\VFUL FUN, THE OLD DUCHESS I D'YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW HER BY SIGHT ? — SHINY RED NOSE, AND AS UNDER-HUNG AS A BULL-DOG AH, HERE'S BROWNE AT LAST ! " Enter Browne, suddenly. the Duke of Stilton ! " "An, Beaoge, how are you? Let me introduce you to DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 67 ARCADES OMNES.- "SIR GORGIUS MIDAS IN THE CHAIR." 1883. Toast Master. "Pray silence, Gentlemen, for Sir Pompey Bedell!" Sir Pompey Bedell. "Sir Gorgius — and — Gentlemen " Grigsby (aside to Ponsonby de Tompkyns). "Ahem, a very proper distinction ! TAKING MEASURE 1879. Tailor (to stout Customer). "Have the kindness to put your Finger on this bit of Tape, Sir,— just here ! I'll be round in a MinuteJ " 68 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," FASHIONABLE EMULATION. Lady (speaking with difficulty). " What have you made it round the waist, Mrs. Price?" Dressmaker. ' ' Twen ty-one Inches, Ma'am. You couldn't breathe with less ! " Lady. "What's Lady Jemima Jones's Waist ? " Dressmaker. " Nine teen-and-a-half just now, Ma'am. But her Ladyship's a head shorter than you are, and she's got ever so much thinner since her Illness last Autumn ! " Lady. "Then make it Nineteen, Mrs. Price, and I'll en gage to get into it ! " FASHIONABLE EMULATION. 1877. NONE OF OUR JOYS ARE PERFECT. Mrs. Sopely (a great Favourite, somehow, with most of our sex). "No, indeed, Mr. Sparks ! I never, never Flat ter ! But it won't do to tell me that Nature has not been unfair in lavishing all her Choicest Gifts upon you alone ! " [Sparks is a modest man, hut he can't help thinking that if the Lady on his other side, now, were only to talk to him a little in this strain, he could stand a good deal more of it ! NONE OF OUR JOYS ARE PERFECT. 1880- DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 69 THE BUSINESS OF PLEASURE. Profcssw Guzzleton (to Fair Chatterbox). ' ' Are you aware that our Host has a French Cook?" Fair Chatterbox. " So I hear ! " Professor Guzzleton. "And that that French Cook is the best in London ? " Fair Chatterbox. ' ' So I believe ! " Professor Guzzleton. "Then don't you think we had better defer all further Conversation till we meet again in the Dra wing-Room ? " THE BUSINESS OF PLEASURE. 1876. FASHIONABLE ENTERTAINMENTS FOR THE WEEK. "Going to the Throat and Ear Ball, Lady Mary?" "no — we are en GAGED to the Incur able Idiots." " Then perhaps I may meet you at the Epileptic Dance on Friday ? " "Oh, yes — we are sure to be there. the Epileptic Stewakds are so delightful ! " FASHIONABLE ENTERTAINMENTS FOR THE WEEK. 1877. SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A SENSITIVE PLANT. (Herr Pumpernickel, having just played a Composition of his own, bursts into Tears.) Chorus cf Friends. " Oh, what is the Matter ? What can we do for you?" Eerr Pumpernickel. "Ach! nossing ! nossing ! Bot ven I hear really coot Music, zen must I always veep ! HAVING A GOOD TIME. Mamma. "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to Supper? "^ Eair Dihutante (who has a fine healthy appetite)- " Oh yes, Mamma-several People ! " 1887. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. A SEASONED VESSEL. 18?9- The Squire (engaging nsw Butler). "Well, I dare say you'll do ; but look here, Richards, I may as well warn you that I OFTEN GET OUT OF TEMPER WITH MY SERVANTS, AND WHEN I Dp, I LET 'EM HAVE IT HOT-MAKE USE OF DEVILISH STRONG LANGUAGE YOU KNOW." ' New Butler (with quiet dignity). " I have been accustomed to that, Sir, from my Lord the Bishop ! " A SINE QUA NON: Patient. "Do you MEAN TO SAY MY COM PLAINT IS A DANGEROUS ONE ? " Doctor. "A very dangerous one, my dear Friend. Still, People have been known to recover from it ; so you must not give up all hope. But recollect one thing : y'our only chance is .to keep in A Cheerful Frame of Mind, and avoid any thing like Depression of Spirits ! " A SINE QUA NON. 1879. 72 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1883- . "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the Table!' A PROMISING PARTNER 1878. "Have you Played much, Mr. Green?" "Oh, yes; a great deal." "I HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD LUCK." " 0H, YES-VERY ! ONCE I HAD THIRTEEN TRUMPS IN MY OWN HAND." "Really! Then of course you were Dealer?" "Oh, no ; indeed I wasn't. I played Third Hand!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. A HOST IN HERSELF. 1880. Mrs. Polkimore Hopkins (who has been asked to bring one or two ' ' dancing young men " with her). " This is only a first Instalment, dear Mrs. Jenkinson ! There are plenty more coming ! " 1886. A BOND OF SYMPATHY. Mariana. "You seem very much attracted by that Mr. Somerville, Bella. You went in to Supper with him twice to-night ! He's not Rich, he's not Young, he's neither Clever nor Good-looking! What is his particular Charm?" Belta (pensively, after a pause). "He hates Mayonnaise. So do I!" 3-L 74 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" PHRENOLOGICAL VIEW OF SOCIAL RANK. "Who is that Venerable Party the two Miss Bottibols aee Talking to ? " " i believe his name is Sie Rigby Digby." " Ee — Baronet, of course; not Knight?" "Baronet, I think. But why 'of course'?" " Well — er — the Shape of his Cranium induces me to believe — er — that the dis tinction is j ore likely to have been Inherited than Ac quired ! " PHRENOLOGICAL VIEW OF SOCIAL RANK AT LOSS FOR A WORD. 1872. Distinguished Foreigner. "Ach! Meess! I goncratulade you vrom de Pottom of my Haret! ! You have Blayed and Zung KVITE — KVITE " Fair Performer, "Quite Execrably? " Distinguished Foreigner. "Ach! Yes! Dafs is de Vort! — qviTE Exekraply !" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 75 CRUEL. Fair One (during an interval in the Valse). " You'ee veey fond op Dancing, ain't you ?" Brown. " Yaas. I go in foe it a good deal." Fair One. "I wonder you don't learn!" 1880. MUSIC AT HOME. Jones (an eligible Baclielor, whispering tenderly). "There's too much Music in this World, Miss Mary. I should have been Married long ago, IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOP. TOO MUCH MUSIC ! WHENEVER I'D SCREWED UP MY PLUCK TO THE PITCH OF POPPING THE QUESTION, SOMEBODY ALWAYS BEGAN TO Sing, and of course I pad to " Chorus of Bystanders. " Shshshshsh ! " [Poor Jones is frustrated for the twelfth lime ! SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH:' 77 TAKINQ THOUGHT FOR THE FUTURE. "you seem to be a great favourite with the young ladies op the holtse, mlss mundayne ! ' "Yes ! I'm always civil to Girls ! One never Knows whom they may Marry, you know!" 1872. CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. 6-30 p.m. Octogenarian. ' ' Let me offer you a Light, and save y'ou the trouble of getting up ! " Youth. "A — THA-A-NKS ! SO KIND OF YOU ! " Octogenarian. " Don't mention it ! i always make a Point of being civil to rich young men who Smoke and drink Sherry just before Dinner ! " Youth. "A— why?" Octogenarian. ' ' Well — THEY MIGHT PERHAPS MEN TION ME IN THEIR WlLLS, YOU KNOW I " CLUB SMOKING-ROOM. 6-30 P.M. 1878. 78 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," SUNDAY AT HOME. Wife. "Good-bye, Dick, I'm going to Church. Now promise you won't flay the Flute." Anli- Sabbatarian Husband. "Pooh! why not?" Wife. "Well, Dick, the New Cook has come, and she might be shocked, you know." 1878. ACCOMMODATING. Customer. " Yes, I like the Bonnet ; but i do not want the Cap in it." Show- Woman, " Oil, you can have it with out, ip you like. With the Cap it's a Bonnet, you know, and without it it's an 'At ! " ACCOMMODATING. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 79 DRAWING-ROOM MINSTRELS.-(WHAT THEY HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SOMETIMES.) 1872. Affable Duchess (to Amateur Tenor, who has iust been warbling M. Gounod's last). "Charming ! Charming ! You must really get Somebody to Introduce you to me ! " A SMART YOUTH. Cousin Millicent (with smothered indignation). " Good - bye, Robert ! And since it seems you found Nothing fitter than my favoueite bit op Japanese Enamel TO DEOP YOUE ClGAR Ashes in, last Night, peehaps you'll accepi it as a Gift ! It has no fuether value for me after such de secration ! " Cousin Robert. " Th a- ANKS, MlLLICENT ! AND if that's the way Articles of Priceless Value are disposed of in your branch of the Family, I can- only Regeet I didn't make an Ash Pan of youe Hand!" A SMART YOUTH. 1873. So SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," PRUDENCE Very Small Mite. "Aee you fond of Sugae-Plums ? " Lady. "No, my dear, thank you! Very Small Mite. "Then, will you keep these foe me, please?" THE CHILD OF THE PERIOD.-3. "And did you have good Dinners at Laburnum Villa Margaret?" "Oh, very indeed, Mothee. But, only fancy ! Aunt Matilda has got a Woman foe a Cook !' 1886. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 81 THE SHORTEST WAY THE BEST. Mamma (to Ethel, on their way to the lattcr's first Party). " Now, mind, Dael- ing, ip you see any nice Things on the Table that you'd like to Eat, you mustn't Ask for THEM ! " Ethel. "0 No, Mamma ! — I'll Take them ! " THE SHORTEST WAY THE BEST. AN INVESTMENT. 1877- Mamma. "Well, Tommy, what did Uncle Dives give you when you went to see him Yesterday?" Tommy. "He gave me a beautiful bright new Theeepenny-Piece!" Papa. "And what are you going to do with it?" Tommy. "I'm going to buy a Purse to put it in.' 3-m SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," "WAITING FOR THE VERDICT.1 1876. The German Nurse. "Is it a Cherman or an Enklise Papy?" The Mamma. "Well, I don't know. You see she was born in England, but my Husband is German." The German Nurse. "Ach, S6h ! Zen ve vill vait to see vat Lenk- VETCH SHE VILL SCHBEAK, AND ZEN VE VILL KNOW ! " THE SLANG OF THE DAY. (Fragment of Fashionable Conversation. ) 1871. Youth. "A— awful Hot, ain't it?" Maiden. "Yes, awful!" (Pause.) Youth. "A— awful Jolly Floor for Dancing, ain't it?" Maiden. "Yes, awful!" (Pause.) Youth. "A — a — awful Jolly Sad about the poor Duchess, ain'i it?' Maiden. "Yes — quite too Awful " (And so forth.) I, A HOPEFUL CASE. Patient. "Then, ac cording to you, Doc tor, in order to live at all, i must give up all that makes life worth living?" Doctor. "I'm afraid so — at least for a few Years." Patient. "Perhaps you'd recommend me to Marry?" Doctor (a confirmed Bachelor). "Oh no ! Come, my dear Fellow, it's not quite so Bad as all that, you KNOW ! " A HOPEFUL CASE. 1880. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 83 HOSPITALITY. 1878. Maud (Daughter of the House). "There are those two Miss Tomlinsons — horrid Things! I wonder who asked them!' Eva (ditto). " I did. Papa made me. But we needn't find them Partners, you know ! " DIAGNOSIS. " Is the Sector better to-day, Jarvis?" " No, Sir ; not any better, Sir !" " Has he got a Locum Tenens?" " No, Sir. Same old Pain in the Back ! ' 1884. le monde ou l'on s'ennuie. 1882. "What! yawning already, Lady Verekers ! Why, it's only Monday!' 84 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' WHAT WE MAY LOOK FORWARD TO, NOW THAT THE ARISTOCRACY IS TAKING TO TRAD!'. Lord Plantagenct (lo fair Customer, who has just given an enormous order for Sugar, Soap, and Pickles). "Any other Article to-day, Madam ? " Fair Customer. "Er — well — a — I hear y'our Sister - in - Law, the Duchess of Pen- tonville, is going to give a Garden Party at Fuliiam. Er — would it be asking too much if i were to beg of her grace, through you, the favour of an invita tion for myself and my two Daughters?" Lord Plantagenct. "It f SHALL be seen to, Madam ! " WHAT WE MAY LOOK FORWARD TO, NOW THAT THE ARISTOCRACY IS TAKING TO TRADE. A HARD CASE. Enter Young Husband, who throws himself into a chair, and exclaims — "What! Toothache again, Maria ! I do call that hard upon a Feller ! Why, you had Toothache when I left this Morning ! And here have I been AT El'SOM ALL DAY, WITH THE JOLLIEST LOT o' Fellers ever got TOGETHER IN ONE DRAG, AND WON A Pot o' Money, and had no END OF A JOLLY TlMF., AND I DID THINK I SHOULD FIND SOMETHING CHEERFUL AND JOLLY TO GREET A FELLER when I got Home ! And there you are ! — Toothache again ! — i do call it hard upon A Feller — pre cious HARD ! " 1878. A HARD CASE. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 85 TRIUMPH OF ART. "And now Ma'am, I hope that'll Plaze ye; shure theee's niver a Soul AS WOULD THINK IT WAS YOUR. OWN HAIR ! " 1878. A SEASONABLE GIFT OF NATURE. Hostess, famed for her dinners (to distinguished Guest). " I hope you are hungry, Sir James ! " Distinguished Guest. "No, Mrs. Smythe, I am not hungry; hut, thank goodness, I am Greedy!' SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 87 misplaced charity. On coming out of Church, General Sir Talbot de la Poer Sangrazul is so struck by the beauty of the Afternoon Sky, that he forgets to put on his Hat, and Lady Jones (who is rather Near-sighted) drops a Penny into it ! A GREAT DESIDERATUM. Fascinating, hut frivolous Fair One. "What a Pity youe Husband doesn't have Plate -Glass put on his Pictures as some People do ! " Hostess. " You think it makes the Pictures richer in Tone?" Fascinating Fair One. "I don't KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT ONE CAN SEK ONE'S-SELF IN THEM, AT LEAST!" A GREAT DESIDERATUM. 1877. 88 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A FASHIONABLE COMPLAINT. Mamma. "Papa dear, the Children have been asked to THE WlLLOUGHBY Robinsons' on the Eleventh, the Ho ward Jones's on the Fifteenth, and the Talbot Beownes' on the Twenty-first. They 'll be dread fully disappointed if you don't let them go ! may i write and ac CEPT, dear Papa ? " Dear Papa (savagely). "Oh, just AS YOU tlease ! But, a s Juvenile Parties should always be taken in time, you had better write to Dr. Squills too, and tell him to call on the Twelfth, Six teenth, and Twenty- second." 1879. A FASHIONABLE COMPLAINT. A YOUNG HUMANITARIAN. 1887. "Oh, Mamma, Mamma, couldn't you interfere? There's a horrid Man squeezing something under his Arm, and he is hurting it so i " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 89 'ALL IN THE DAY'S WORK." Gigantic Footman. "Did you Ring, Ma'am?" Tender-hearted and Impulsive Lady. "Yes, Thomas. You see this poor Kitten the Children have found? It is Mother less ! Get some Milk, Thomas ! Mew like its Mother !— and feed it ! " PERPLEXING— VERY ! "My dear Eliza, Sir Arthur Pillington is the Man for your Com plaint. SO CLEVER, AND a perfect Gentleman. Pray send tor him !" "Sir Arthur Pilling ton, indeed ! Why, he nearly killed an aunt of mine ! Send for Wil frid Jones, Eliza. Trust me, there's nobody like him. He listens to every symptom ! " " No, no, Eliza. Listen to me. i know a little Man in Hammersmith, who saved my poor Grandmother's life when every other doctor HAD " " Hammersmith ! Non sense ! I don't believe in any English Doctors ! Let me bring Here SchwartzmDller to you, my dear Eliza. He " "My dear Eliza, have you lived all these years without knowing that Dr. Thrupp Robinson, the HomceopathicAllopath,inBermondsey, is the only Physician in London who " &c, &c, &c. PERPLEXING-VERY I 3— N go SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1873. NOT TO BE BEATEN. Mrs. Brown (whose Daughter has just been performing admirably on the Piano-Forte). " Do your Daughters Play, Mrs. Jones?" Mrs. Jones (whose four Daughters have only been listening). "No." Mrs. Brown. "Sing?" Mrs. Jones. "No." Mrs. Brown. "Paint in Water-Colours ? " Mrs. Jones. "No. We go in foe Beauty!" AN AWKWARD COMPLIMENT. 1872. Mrs. Flirtington (coquettishly). "I'm afraid you are Bored, Mr. Amoret! You would sooner be Walking with some young Lady ! " Mr. Amoret (with native Readiness and Gallantry). "0 no, indeed, Mrs. Flirtington. I — I— I much prefer the older ones I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 9i PLEASANT I 1883. Lord Reginald Sansdenier (in answer to confidential remark of his Host). "Twenty thousand pounds' worth of Plate on the Table, Sir Gorgius ? I wonder you ain't afraid of being Robbed ! " Sir Gorgius Midas. "Robbed, my Lord! Good 'Evens! I'm sure yer Lordship's too honnerable heven to think of sich A thing ! " 1882. A REBUKE. Fair Bride of Nineteen Summers. "What can they all see in her? I'm sure she's over Thirty; and no Woman is worth Looking at after that!" Matron (age unknown). "Nor worth Speaking to before, my dear!" 92 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE! 1f83. Mamma (a Widow of considerable personal attractions). " I want to tell you something, Tommy. You saw that Gentleman TALKING TO GRANDMAMMA IN THE OTHER ROOM. WELL, Hi5 IS GOING TO BE YOUR NEW PAPA. MAMMA 's GOING TO MARRY HIM !" Tommy (who recollects something of tlis life his old Papa used to lead). " D-d-does he know it yet, Mamma ? " TAKING IT FOR GRANTED. Engaging Photographer. 1872. 'Just Look a little Pleasant, Miss l Think of 'im!' DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 93 ^ 1873. what london crushes are coming to. "By the bye, Lady Crowder, have you met the Partingtons lately?" "Not for an Age! They were at my Ball last Night, but I didn't See them. By the way, did you happen to be there Captain Smythe?" "0, yes! Enjoyed myself immensely ! " ", So glad!" AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. Flippant Lady. "You seem De pressed, Mr. Beau- clerc! No bad News, I hope?" Romantic Gentle man. " Ah ! if one COULD ONLY FOR GET ! " Flippant Lady. "Dear me! Hadn't y'ou better, tell me all about it ? and I'll Forget it iou you!" AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. 1873. 94 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," vimMM 2*V feline amenities. "That's youe friend, Captain Masham, that everybody says is so agreeable ! He took me in to Dinner last night at Sir John Robinson's, and all but turned his Back on me the whole time ! " "Perhaps he'd got a Pretty Woman on his other side 1" ANNALS OF A QUIET WATERING-PLACE. 1834. Lady Visitor. "Oh, that's your Vicar, is it? What sort of Vicar is he ? " Lady Resident. "Oh, well, middling! High Church during the Season, you know, and Low all the best of the Year ! " AMENITIES OF THE HONEYMOON. "Don't move, Darling !— I'm so comfortable, and your Head is so Soft! I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 95 INFORMAL INTRODUCTIONS. Apple-Coster. "Here you are, Gents ! All four of 'em Sweet and Fresh as can be !' 1879- EXPERIENTIA DOCET? 1885' Wife of Two Years' Standing. "Oh yes ! I'm sure he's not so pond of Me as at first. He's away so much neglects Me dreadfully', and he's so Cross when he comes home. What shall I do ? " Widow. " Feed the Brute ! " THE DOLLY VARDEN FAREWELL KISS. 1871. A Delightful Operation, but a Difficult one to Perform successfully. 96 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 1879. WHO SHALL SAY THE RACE OF BRILLIANT TALKERS IS EXTINCT? Festive Host (confidentially, to Lady on his right). "It has constantly suggested itself to me, Mrs. Beown, that — er that THE REASON WHY THE WEA THER— EE— AFFOEDS SO FRUITFUL A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION AMONGST ENGLISH PEOPLE, IS— ER— IS THAT the English Climate is subject to— er— to rapid Variations, which cannot be foreseen, so to speak ! " The Same (to Lady on his left, also confidentially). "As I was just observing to Mrs. Beown, it has frequently occueeed to my mind, Mes. Jones, that— ee— that the eeason why— ee— why the Weather, in shoet, furnishes 'so inexhaustible a theme of discussion to— er— to British people, is— ee— no doubt— ee— that the Climate of the British Isles is liable so to speak, to — ee — to sudden mutations, which we cannot calculate upon beforehand!" The Same (loud, across the table, lo festive Hostess). "My Love— ee -as I was only just observing to Mrs. Brown, and— er— to Mrs. Jones, it has frequently, and indeed constantly, suggested itself to my mind, that the reason why— ek— why the —the Weather, in point of fact, should— er— should furnish so fruitful a topic of discussion, and afford so inex haustible A THEME OF CONVERSATION AMONGST— ER— AMONGST THE INHABITANTS OF THE BRITISH IsLES, MAY— ER— MAY POSSIBLY IF OWING TO THE PECULIARITY THAT THE— EE— WELL, THE CLIMATE OF THE UNITED KINGDOM IS LIABLE, AND SUBJECT SO TO SPEAK TO sudden Variations, which cannot be calculated upon beforehand, and to— er-to Rapid Mutations, in short which-er— which we cannot — ee — foresee.'" 1877 4- I c TOO GOOD-LOOKING BY HALF! Enter Gentleman-Help in answer to Advertisement. The Girls see that he will do, at a Glance. It takes Materfamilias exactly the same Time to arrive at tee precisely opposite conclusion, and, with commendable prudence, she eventually selects one of the gentlemen who may be dimly descried waiting in the hall. 98 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; SNOBBINGTON AND SHODD. Lady Snohbmgton (ne'e Shodd). "Ah! how do you do, Here Schultz? I want YOU TO DINE WITH ME ON TUESDAY NEXT." Herr Schultz, the great Philosopher (whose acquaintance with her Ladyship is of the slightest). "You aee fery veently, Madam! Beemit zat I inteoduce to you Madam Schultz." Lady Snohbington (who thinks great Philosophers are all very well, bid doesn't want to be bothered with tlieir womankind). "A — delighted, I'm sure ! Madam Schultz, I want this deae clevee Husband of youes to dine with me, and Meet the Duchess of Clapham, and the Bishop of Loughboeough, and my sister-in-law, Lady guinevre moseley, you know, — and you will spare him to us for one evening, WON'T YOU ? " Madam Schultz. "Oh, certainly, if he wishes it." Herr Schultz (in his innocence of the ways of Shodds and Snobhingtons). " You are FEEY VEENTLY, MADAM ! POT ZESE LATIES ZAT Y'OU MENTION, ZEY AEE ZEN PERHAPS NOT EXACTLY RESBECTABLE, ZAT YOU HAF NOT ALSO INVITED MY WIFE?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 99 A FORLORN HOPE. 1876. The Dowager. "Now you've got all the Girls off your Hands so successfully, except poor Maria, you ought to give her a Chance." My Lord. "Yes — a — give a Ball — a — or a Garden Party— a "| My Lady. "Oh, poor Maria's not worth a Ball— nor even a Garden Party. We might give an Afternoon Tea!" NOT QUITE THE SAME THING. Small Child (whose favourite Aunt is " en- gaged"). "Grandma, where is Auntie May ? " Grandmamma. "She is sitting in the Li brary with Captain Herbert, my' dear." Small Child (after a moment' s thought). " Grandma, couldn't you go and sit in the llbeaey with captain Herbert, and Auntie May come and Play with me ? " 1878. NOT QUITE THE SAME THING. IOO SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1Bt"- Amiable Hostess. "What! must you go already? Really, Professor, it's too bad op this sweet young Wipe of yours to carry you off so early ! She always does ! " Professor. "No, no, not always, Mrs. Bright! At most Houses I positively have to drag her away!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. , She. "No! I can't give you another Dance. But I'll introduce you to the Prettiest Girl in the Room ' He. "But I don't want to Dance with the Prettiest Girl in the Room. I want to Dance with you!" 1887. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 101 'SPEED THE PARTING GUEST."— THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1883. "We've had such a pleasant Evening, Mr. Jones ! May I beg of you to ask one of your Servants to call a Hansom?' " With pleasure, Mrs. Smith ! " . P 7 k'Y V THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1386 Hostess (who has just sung). "Are you quite sure you don't Sing, Captain Lovell?" Captain LoreU. "I assure you — a- I've no Voice whatever. A — unfortunately, I — I'm a Listener!' 102 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," INVERTED MAXIMS. " In the good fortune of our best friends we always find something which is not pleasing to us." — Rochefoucauld. Jim. "Ullo, Jack ! Haven't seen you foe an age, old Man. Tell me, who is that lo vely glel ? " Jack. "MissBellingham GOLDMOEE." Jim. " What, the great Heiress ? " Jack. " Oh, it 's only Twenty oe Thirty Thou sand a-year ! But she's as Clever as she 's Beau tiful, and as Good as she 's Clever ! " Jim (wlw has lately mar ried one of the Strong-minded Sisterhood). "I say! He's a lucky Chap that gets her, hay', old man ? " Jack. "I'll GLAD YOU THINK so. She 's just en gaged to be my Wife ! " Jim. "!!!!!!" INVERTED MAXIMS. 1881. "OMNE IGNOTUM PRO MAGNIFICO ! " (A fascinating young Irish Lady, with a lo ixly brogue, is warbling charachrislic popular ditties in the Xcu- poli/tot riialcct, cneon ntgid thereto by the consciousness thai hn enra^iu.ui audi ence doesn't know a word of even ordinary Italian.) Enthusiastic Youth. "How awf'ly beautap'ly your Sister sings, Mi:. O'Dowd ! How awf'lv vividly she recalls to one's mind the — a— the— the Chiaja, yol- know,— and Vesuvius — and — inn deep blue Italian Sky ! " Mr. O'Dowd. "Ah ! thin doesn't she, Sou ! Ye've been in Italy, Sor?" Enthusiastic Youth. " A — a — A — N — N — no ! " Mr. O'Dowd. "No more have Oi ! — No more has ME SlSTOE ! " "OMNE IGNOTUM PRO MAGNIFICOI 1875. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 103 1875. DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW. Maud (with much sympathy in her voice). "Only fancy, Mamma, Uncle Jack took rs to a Picture Gallery' in Bond Street. and there we saw a picture op a lot of early christians, pooe deaes, who'd been thrown to a lot of llons ami Tigers, who were devouring them ! " Ethel (with still more sympathy). "Yes, and Mamma dear, there "-a,s one poor Tiger that iiads't got a Christian!" 'FOR THE THIRD TIME OF ASKING." ,Ba*- Aunt Mary. "You heard the Vicar publish the Banns between Uncle George and Ellen Thompson?" Ethel (who has never been present at this Ceremony before.) " Yes— it seems rather a Shame to tell everybody now often he'd been Refused, though ! " io4 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING. 'Do you evah Wink, Miss Evangeline?" "Do I evee what, Me. Smythe?" •What do you mean, Sie ? " "Well, Skate, if you pwefee the Expwession!" Wink?' 1873. THE RETORT COURTEOUS. , , A ... , . , ,, iv„nfinir,rr") " YOU'VE A'O IDEA, MAUD, HOW UTTERLY IDIOTIC YOU PEOPLE DANCING LOOK TO Matilda (who docs not like being II alijlouei >. those who Sit Down and Watch you!" Maud. " I dare say not, Love ! I nevee Teied ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 105 A TREMENDOUS SELL. Fidgety Old Bachelor (who hates Juvenile Par ties, and has come two Hours later tlian he was asked, so as to avoid the Children). "So Soeey to be Late — I'm dread fully afraid I've Missed all the dae- ling Little Ones I" Lively Hostess. ' ' 0 dear, No. Our SUPPEE HAS BEEN PUT off Two H o u e s. The darling Little Ones are having Tea, but they'll be Down Directly for ' Sir Roger de Coverley' ; so you're just in Time to help us Clear the Room, and join in a Regular Romp ! " A TREMENDOUS SELL. 1874. ~ Olatl. A RISING GENIUS. Young Lady (in course of conversation). "You 've read Pendennis, of course Fashionable Scribbler (who is, however, quite unknown to fanu). " A— Pendennis it? No, I've not. The fact is, I never read Books-I write them !" / Ah !— let me see ! That 's Thackeray's, isn't 4-F io6 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 'THOUGHT IS FREE."— The Tempest. 1871. Miss Minerva Bristlington (fiercely). "'Honour and Obey,' indeed! Ha! Ha! I should just like to See a Man ask me to 'Honour and Obey' him ! " V ["I've no doubt you'd like to see him veey much indeed ! " thought the two Miss Marigolds — hut they didn't say so. FLIPPANCY. Captain Jinks. "Who is the Benevolent- Looking Gentleman just coming in ? " Mrs. Malapert. "Mes. WlTHEEINGTON MlLDEU, the famous Advocate foe Women's Rights." Captain Jinks. " Ha, ha ! Veey Good ! But i mean the little Man, with the Velvet COLLAE." Mrs. Malapert. " 0, I beg your Pardon — that's her Husband. He 's a most Lady-like Person, and con sidered rather Pretty." FLIPPANCY. 1871. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 107 1874. A PATHETIC APPEAL. "Mamma, shall you let me go to the Wilkinsons' Ball, if they give one, this Winter?" "No, Darling!" (A pause.) " You've, been to a great many Balls, haven't you, Mamma?" "Yes, Darling, — and I've seen the folly of them all." (Another pause.) "Mightn't I just see the folly- of one, Mamma?" [A very long pause. 1883. ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB. The Montgomery-Joneses celebrate their Wedding-Day by giving a Dinner on an unusually magnificent scale to some of their London Friends. Unfortunately, an unexpected Change in the Weather during the Afternoon eas made the Road up the Hill rather heavy, so that the London FuiF.NTS OMIT TO TURN UP SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 109 COMPLIMENTS. Hostess (wishing to he polite). "Good Evening, Me. Lovibond! So soeey youe Wife couldn't come too!" Host (wishing to be politer). "Nobody heee is likely — haw — to eegeet Mes. Lovibond's absence half so much — haw — as Mr. Lovibond does ! " "WE ALL EXPECT A GENTLE ANSWER" etc. — Shakspeaee. Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns urites: — "My deae Mes. Talbot Beowne, we aee so dreadfully disteessed ; but a hoeeid peevious Engagement peevents us feom accepting youe quite too Delightful Invitation to Dinner ON THE " (Viva voce.) "Ponsonby!" — "Yes, my Love." — "What day was it those Talbot Beownes' people asked us foe?" — " The Fifteenth, my Love." — "This Month, oe next ? " — " Next Month, my Love." (Writes.) "Fifteenth of next Month. I can't tell y-ou HOW WRETCHED WE BOTH AEE IN CONSEQUENCE ; AND WITH OUE KINDEST EEGAEDS TO YOU BOTH, &C, &C, &C." ¦WE ALL EXPECT A GENTLE ANSWER," Etc.— Shakspeare. 1879. I 10 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS TO BE LIVED DOWN. Distinguished Amateur (much pleased with himself as the Wicked Marquess). "Phew ! Well, I wasn't so very Bad, Old Man, was l?': Author (Prompter, Stage Manager, <£-c.). "Well, my deae Fellow, I don't exactly know how Bad you can be!" THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. Musical Maiden. "I hope I am not boeing you, Playing so much?" Enamoured Youth. "Oh no ! Peay go on ! I —I'd so much sooner hear you Play than Talk !" 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. i n DIFFERENT EFFECTS OF SHYNESS, DIFFERENT EFFECTS OF SHYNESS. (It causes Wilson to forget the Name- of Thing*. Places, and People he in talking about, and thereby robs his Conversation of much of the Charm and Interest it would otherwise possess). "Ee — ahem — er — theee's eeally no ac counting for Tastes ! Foe instance, theee's an old Friend op mine, a well-known Man, called — er — his Name escapes me just now — anyhow he's by Profession a — a — a — I don't eecollect at peesent the peecise na- tuee of his Occupation — but his Office, or his Place of Business, or whatever it is, is in — in — i forget the exact Street — er — ee — wheee- as his Peivate Residence is near— neae — dear me ! what is tke name of the Squaee — I've got it on the Tip of my Tongue ! Well, at all events, it steuck me as very odu IN THAT KIND OF MAN, Hid Business being what and where it is, 'that he him self should beside— er— rr— where he does, you KNOW ! " [Anecdote falls rather fiat. LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF PORTRAIT-PAINTING. Aunty. "And now, how many Sittings shall you require of my nlece, mr. Sparks ? " Our Artist (a modest but most inflammable youth). "Oh, not more than Thirty or Forty, oj: perhaps Fifty,— we will say Sixty if you like, or Seventy — at all events Eighty' or Ninety at the utmost, or " Aunty. "Good Heavens! why', you tainted me in Four .' " Our Artist. " No !— did I REALLY THOUGH ? Ah, BUT I CAN SEE AT A GLANCE THAT YOUR NIECE'S EX PRESSION WILL HE PAR TICULARLY DIFFICULT TO CATCH, Y'OU KNOW ! " LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF PORTRAIT-PAINTING. 112 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH,' •". ¦ .) 'J \\, ¦^"iilij'Mr'i i in h THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1881. Hostess. "What, leaving already, Me. Mivers ! I've scarcely seen anything of You the whole Evening !" Mr. Mivers (who goes in for the Courteous Manners of the Olden Time). " That, Madam, is entirely my Fault ! " [Exit gracefully, but remembers as he goes down-stairs that he meant to say " Misfortune," not "Fault." THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1888. Miss Margaret. "Pray sit down. I'm so sorry Mamma and my Sisters are out I" Shy Curate (who has called on Parish business). " Oh, pray don't mention it. One of the Family is quite enough ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. "3 DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE PAINTER IN WATER-COLOURS. Distinguished Amateur. "I — a — rub out a great deal. Most of my Effects are got by that.' Old Snarle. "Ah, capital Process ! Only you don't carey it quite far enough !" 1883. A DAMPER. 1876' Boniface Brasenose (an amiahle but cesthetic youth, exhibiting his Art-treasures). " That 's— a— a— Mother and Child, a— a— Fifteenth Century " Fashionable Lady. "I should have thought it earlier!" Boniface Brasenose. "A— may I ask why?" Fashionable Lady. "Oh, I should have thought they could Paint better than that, so late as the Fifteenth Century !" 4— Q H4 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" MAKING SURE. "Come into the Club, Old Man. I've got a Bet on the Race, an:- if I win, I'll stand a Bottle of Piper I '* "But ip you lose ?" "Oh, we'll have one to keep our spirits up." "But we may be too early to know, YOU KNOW." " Oh, well, we'll have one to pass the TIME ! " "All right !" MAKING SURE. 1883. r^ ' } **?1& solemn functions of masherdom. The Cigarette and Umbrella Drill. 1886. LAST FROM THE STOCK EXCHANGE. 1878. "Hulloa, Charlie! What's the Matter? Training for a Race ? " "No, Tom. Racing for a Train I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. i'5 1883. some people have such a pleasant way of putting things. "now do let me propose you as a member." "But suppose they Blackball me?" "Pooh! Absurd! Why, my dear Fellow, there's not a Man in the Club that knows you, even ! " SOME PEOPLE GET SO SOON FAMILIAR. Snookson. "Ullo, Monty. How aee you?' 1882. Lord Montague Brabazon. "Peetty well, thanks, and how aee you? — AND — A — WHAT IS YOUR NAME ? " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1887. Professor Chatterleigh. "By George! I'm so Hungry I can't Talk!' Fair Hostess (on hospitable thoughts intent). "Oh, I'm so glad ! " Ii6 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," AN ENTHUSIASTIC PATRON OF ART. (Scene— The Lobby of the Royal Academy on the day of the Private View. The doors have just been, i.) "What, you heee, Captain Ragge?" " Yaas ! Got a Couple of Hundeed Pounds to Spend, and thought i should like to Buy a Picture, YOU KNOW." "0 ! indeed ? Let me Choose one foe you." " Will you, eeally ? Tha-anks ! In thai- case I SUPPOSE IT'S hakdly necessaey fok me to go up, and i'll say Good-Bye. " 1870. AN ENTHUSIASTIC PATRON OF ART. A CHOICE OF EVILS. 1874. A CHOICE OF EVILS. Fascinating Widow. " Now that we aee alone, Mr. Silvee- tongue, and likely to remain unmstuebed foe another h.alf- HoUR OR SO, 1 HAVE A VERY GREAT FAVOUR TO ASK OF YOU ? " Amateur Vocalist. ' ' Pray — pra y do ! " Fascinating Widow. "Will you, will you Sit down to the Piano, and Sing me Beethoven's ' Adel- aida ' right through, from begi nning to end, first in German, then in Italian, and then in English ? Will you, Mr. Silver- tongue ? " [Much flattered, the gifted warbler com plies, and little dreams that the fair one's sole object in getting him to sing is to escape from the tedium of his con versation. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 117 1876. YOUNG, BUT PRACTICAL. "What! Harry! not in Bed yet, and it's Nine o'Clock! What will Papa say when he comes Home?" "Oh, IJapa ! He'll say, 'Supper! SuprER ! What's for Supper?'" MODEST ASSURANCE. Young Smythe. "What, not Skating, Mrs. Marrable?" Mrs. Marrahlc (a fascinating Widow of over nine-and-forty, hut who doesn't look it). "No, I'm too Old for that Sort of Thing." Yovng Smythe. "Too Old? What do you call 'too Old,' Mrs. Marrable!" Mrs. Marrable (modestly). "Don't you call Twenty-eight too Old, Me. Smythe ? / do ! " SOCIETY PICTURES FROM " PUNCH? 119 A HOME-THRUST. 1874. "Ah, Bishop, what a heavenly Sermon that was of yours last Sunday, about Worldliness and the Vanities of the Flesh !— it nearly made me cry ! And I say, Bishop, -hoit hard it hit You and Me! I J" A DISAPPOINTMENT. 1880. Edwin. "Dull Paper this morning, ain't it, Angy?" Angelina. "Yes! Not a Soul one knows mentioned ! — not even in the Deaths !' 120 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; FELINE AMENITIES. 1875. "By the bye, Clara, I expect a great Friend of mine this Afternoon — Major Miniver." "Horrid Man! I can't beae him." "And why, pray?" "Because I know he Hates me!" "Does he, really? 1 thought he scarcely Knew you?" MUSIC AT HOME. Study of an Amateur Comic Singer struggling with an Unsympathising Audience. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 121 POLITE FICTIONS. Mrs. Brown. " Dear me, Mrs. Jones, are those tall young Ladies really yours ? I had no Idea you had Daughters grown up ! " Mrs. Jones (who is still possessed of considerable personal attractions). " Oh, yes ! I was Married at Fifteen, you know ! And is that young Gentle man REALLY YOUR Son ? " Mrs. Brown (who is also possessed of ditto ditto ditto). " Yes — a — I was Married at Twelve!" POLITE FICTIONS. 1878. 1876. FESTIVE HOUSE-KEEPING. Daughter of the House (to her Cousin). "Haven't you been down to Supper before, Charles? I ask because we have only reckoned for One Supper each ! " [Charles has not yet touched a morsel, but his Fair Companion is coming down to supper for the. Third time. Let us hope she takes the hint. 4— R 122 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Caller. "'• Only fancy, Mrs. Dowderley', I was very nearly calling on your Neighbour, Lady Masham, whose Day at Home it is too ! when I suddenly remembered I wasn't Dressed for Paying Calls ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1S88. Lady of the House (archly). "My Husband's not at home, Mr. Goodenoumi. He's gone to call on some Pretty Women of his acquaintance!" *' .- Caller. "Ah, I've given that up long ago!" J# DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. A MAN'S REVENGE. 1874. Our Gallant, though Middle-aged, Friend, has great pleasure in introducing his Second Love (whom he is going to Marry next Week) to his First (who jilted him just a quarter of a century ago). 123 1881. DIGNITY. Pretty Cousin. "Well, and how do you like Woolwich, Bobby ? ' .Bob Snooker (Gentleman Cadet). " Oh, it ain't bad ! " Pretty Cousin. " And when do you go back?" Bob. "A— at Woolwich we don't 'goback,'—v?e—a.—join!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID " I WAS SO SORRY NOT TO BE AT HOME WHEN YOU CALLED, Mr. BlNKS ! " " Oh, pray don't mention it ! It didn't matter in the least, I can AS3URE YOU ! " 124 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH' STANDING ON CEREMONY. " That ir^s a Funny Story Me. Dixon told, Aunt Jessie — the one that made you Laugh so much, YOU KNOW ! " "Yes. Why didn't you laugh, Ida ? " "Oh, I don't know Me. Dixon well enough ! " STANDING ON CEREMONY. 1883. 1882. EGOISM "Come heee, Dora! I wants you !" "Thank you, Eeic; but I wants myself!' BREAKING THE ICE. 1880. Gallant Colonel (who has just been made a Grandfather, and can talk of nothing else). " Do you take any Interest in veey young Childeen, Miss Ceaunchee ? " Fair Authoress of "A Pair of Cavalry Mustaclies," AM/' ANOTHER OF MR. JARVIS'S DIAGNOSES. "0, Good Morning, Jarvis. You've not been III again ? " "No, Miss ; it's the Missis have been took Indifferent this Time ! " " What's the Mat ter with her ? " ' ' Well, Miss, the young Medical Gentleman he says to me : ' Why, Jarvis ! ' HE SAYS, ' YOUE MlSSUS 'ave got brongkitis in heveey blessed Limb of 'er Body ! ' " ANOTHER OF MR. JARVIS'S DIAGN08ES. J871- DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 127 'THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH.' 1888. " By the bye, I wish you would get me a Card for the Duchess of Beaumorriss's Dance ? " "I'll try. But you'll hate to get a Costume from her, or a Bonnet, or Something— as she only asks her Customers!" 80CIAL AGONIES. 1885. " By the way, are you Dining with the Montmorency Browns to-night ? " "Oh, Heavens! Now I remember, they did ask me to Dine there to-night ! " "What — and you forgot to Answer?" "Oh, I Answered fast enough; but I've clean forgotten whether I Accepted or Declined ! " EFFUSIVENESS. "Oh ! how do you do, my dear mr. Brown ? " " My name is Jones ; but i 'm peetty well, thanks ! " "So glad ! And how is that lovely Child of yours — Tommy ? " ' ' Its name is Tottie ; but she's peetty well, THANKS ! " "So VERY GLAD ! And that sweet little Dog, Towzer?" " Its name is Jack ; but it's peetty well, THANKS ! " EFFUSIVENESS. 1884. 128 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1879. BROTHERS AND SISTERS. Grown-up Sister. "Oh, Chaeley, if you must go away, can't you inteoduce me to one of youe Schoolfellows, to LOOK AFTEE ME TILL YOU COME BACK ? " Charley. "Oh no ! It wouldn't do ! It would be so rough on a Fellow to fag him out like that !" AWKWARD INCIDENT IN FASHIONABLE LIFE. The Beauteous Mes. Vavasoue Belsize and hee Lovely Sistees stop the Way in dieb Consteenation. They had understood that the Reception at Brabazon Hall would take place in the Palatial Suite of Rooms on the Geound-Flooe, and Mes. V. B. has comb in a Skiet of such Fashionable Tightness that to mount a single Step is an Impossibility; wheeeas the Ground-Floor Suite is undbegoing Alteeations, and Mes. Beabazon de Veee Tomkynnes is Enteetaining hee Guests Up-staies. 130 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1878. "VAPID VEGETABLE LOVES."-" The Talking Oak." (Scene — Tea-Room at Fancy Ball.) Uncle John (who is chaperoning his Niece). "What are you, my Deae ? " Pretty Niece. "Oh! I am a Salad, Uncle John! See, theee's Endive, and Lettuce, and Spring Onions, and Radishes, and Beetroot. Nothing wanting is theee ? " Uncle John. " H'm !— ah !— perhaps a little more Dressing, my Dear ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 171 things one would rather have left unsaid. "And now, my deae General, come and sit by me, and tell me all the Scandal that's happened while I've been away?" "Well, really, Mrs. Malleoho, er— you see— er— the fact is, that while you've been away, there has been no Scandal!' AT HER OLD TRICKS AGAIN. Lady Snohhington (ne'e Shoddy). "Oh, by the way, Me. Lowe, do you ever Dine out without your Wife? I've a nice little Bohemian Dinner party on Sunday — nice clever people you will like. Come and Dine, and bring your banjo, if Mrs. Lowe will spare you, just for once ! " Mr. Lowe (the Eminent Banjoist). "Ach! You are ferry goot, lady schnop- pington ! If it is ferry pohemian inteet, and de Laties are coing to Schmoke, and de Chen- dlemen are coing to Tine in deir schirt-schleefs, i to not mind fringing MY Pancho, AND LEAFING MY VlFE AT HOME, CHOOST FOR VUNCE !" AT HER OLD TRICKS AGAIN. 1886. ! "52 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM " PUNCH;' BLASE I Hostess. "You are not Dancing, Me. Lestrange. Let me find y'ou a Partner!" Splendid Masher. "A — thanks, no. I — A — nevah Dance, — except at Children's Parties!' MODERN SOCIAL PROBLEMS. Susceptible Youth. " Would you present Me to that Young Lady with the Black Fan?' Hostess, "With pleasure, if you will tell me her Name— and Yours!" 1886. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER '3.3 A PICTURE PUZZLE. 1875. Tenor Warbler (with passionate emphasis on the first Words of each Line) — " Me-e-e-e-e-t me once again, Me-E-E-B-T MB ONCE AGA-A-AIN " [ Why does the Cat suddenly jump up off the Hearth-rug, rush to the Door, and make frantic endeavours to get out? A BELGRAVIAN MOTHER. Ethclinda. "Mother! isn't it wicked to say 'You be Blowed,' as Algy does?' Mother. "Ii's worse than Wicked, my Dear— it's Vulgar!" '34 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH A LAM Dowager. "It's been the worst Season I can none of the Girls ! " REMEMBER, SlR JAMES ! ALL THE MEN SEEM TO HAVE GOT MARRIED. AND A CONSCIOUS MARTYR. ii^i^^ 1881. 'Why are you so cross, Angela?" "Oh! because I hate selfishness, Aunt! and they're all of them so selfish'' 'What have they done?" "Why, they all want to go on the River, just when / want to play Lawn-Tennis - " 'Well, you needn't go with them!" "Of course I needn't; but how am I to play Lawn-Tennis all by myseIf*" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 135 • MUSIC AT HOME. 1885. Mrs. Gashington (who is always to the fore). "Oh! thank you so much, Fraulein, for youe quite too delightful Singing!— such exquisite Enunciation, you know ! ! — so rare ! ! ! I should so like to hear you sing a Song in English!" Fraulein Nachtigall. "Ach, Lieber Gott! Vy, my last Sree Zongs zat I haf choost peen Zinging, zey vere in Enklish!' iirt?^ DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.— THE JEUNE PREMIER. 1885. " What, Eleanor? you know Sir Lionel Wildrake, the handsomest, wittiest, most dangerous Man in Town ! He of whom it is said that no woman has ever been known to resist him yt:t ! " " The same, Lilian ! But hush ! He comes " [Enter Colonel Sir Lionel Wildrake, IJ6 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' SOCIAL AGONIES. (Disadvantage of resembling a Celebrity.) She. "Oh, row do you do, dear Mr. Lyon ? Have you forgiven me for cutting you at mrs. leo Hunter's last night ? I WAS ACTUALLY STUPID ENOUGH TO TAKE Y'OU FOR THAT HORRID BORE, Mr. Tetteeby Thom PSON, WHOM you'ee said to be so like. It's a horrid Libel — you'ee not like him a BIT." He. "A — A — I wasn't at Mes. Leo Hunter's last night — a — a — a — and my Name is Tettee by Thompson ! " SOCIAL AGONIES. APPRECIATIVE SYMPATHY. 1880. Herr Bogoluhoffski plays a lovely Nocturne, which he has just composed. To him, as he softly touclies the final note, Fair Amateur, "Oh THANKS ! I AM SO FOND OF THAT DEAR OLD TuNE ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 137 THE NEW CRAZE. 1883. Her Grace (to the Heiress,. with pardonable pride). "You must let me present my Son, Lord Algernon, to you, Miss Gold- MOEE. HE CARRIES THE BANNER IN THE SECOND ACT OF THE KING AND THE COCKCHAFER, AT THE PARTHENON, YOU KNOW ! " [Defeat of tlie Army, the Church, tlie Bar, Diplomacy, Literature, Science, and Art— even young Gorgius Midas will have to hide his diminished head ! THE NEW CRAZE, 1883. THE NEW CRAZE. (Scene — The Green- Room of the Parthenon, before rehearsal.) Hard-working Baro net. "Here's the Duke, confound him ! ONLY BEEN Six MONTHS on the Stage, and getting Twenty Guineas a Week ! " Conscientious Viscount. "Yes! and us only getting Six after Ten- Years OF IT. I HATE these beastly' dltkes. coming and spoiling the Profession ! " A m hitious Earl. " Ugh ! I hate all Amateurs, hang 'em, taking the bread out of one's Mot/th ! " 5— T 138 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," MRS. BOREHAM AT HOME. AMATEUR THEATRICALS. Sir Pompey Bedell. "Allow me to Con gratulate you, Mrs. boreham, on a mos'j successful Entertain- ment ! i have never set foot inside a thea- tee myself, i am peoud to say, nor Attended even Private Theat ricals BEFOEE — SUCH Things aee not in my Line ! But I can Honestly Assuee you that i have kaeely seen Histrionic Ability moee Consum mate, or a Deamatic Peefoemance moee Exceptionally Com plete in eveey eespect, than that which it has been oue teuly Enviable Peivilege to Witness this Even ing ! " MRS. BOREHAM AT HOME.— AMATEUR THEATRICALS. 1886. PARADOXICAL. 1879. Ethel. " It was a most wonderful Peefoemance, Aunt Tabitha ! Fiest, she was shot out of a Cannon's Mouth on to A TRAPEZE FIFTEEN YAEDS ABOVE THE OECHESTEA, AND THEN SHE SWUNG HERSELF UP TILL SHE STOOD ON A ROPE ON ONE Leg at least a Hundred and Twenty Feet above our Heads ! " Aunt Tabitha. "Ah ! I always think a Woman lowers herself when she does that !" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 139 A SKETCH IN ULSTERMARINE. A SWEET DELUSION. Little Lady Fatima I'lampington (to the stalely Mrs. Longlay, whom she fancies she resembles like a twin). "How do you do, Darling? I declare we are more LIKE EACH OTHER THAN EVER, WITH THESE HATS ¦ AND IN LOOKING AT Y(1U I FEEL AS IF I WERE LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE GLASS. I SUPPOSE YOU FEEL THE SAME YOURSELF, DEAR ? " society pictures from "Punch:' hi FRENCH FOOD FOR ENGLISH BABES— AND MOTHERS. 1880. Grigsby (during entr'acte). "What ! you here, Miss Jones ! " Miss Jones. " Yes ; I got Mamma to bring me. She doesn't understand French, you know ! Ain't it fun ! " [Grigsby fiatters himself that he sees the fun of a Palais Royal play as well as anyone on this side of the Channel, hut he DOES draw the line somewhere ; and does not see the fun of a respectable Materfamilias being present at such an entertain ment, — and with her Daughter, too! a thing that is not even done in the country of Zola ! DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE PIANIST. Grigsby. " I trust you will favour us this even ing, Mr. Belmains ? " Mr. Belmains. "Well — er — no — hardly ! They don't care for serious Pianoforte - playing in this house, you know. i hope y'ou will give us ' He's got 'em on,' Mr. Grigsby." Mr. Grigsby. " Well — I — ER — THINK NOT — SCARCE LY ! YOU SEE, IN THIS HOUSE THEY DON'T APPEE- CIATE SFRIOUS COMIC SING ING ! " DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.-THE PIANIST. 1881. 142 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. (Dinner has just been announced.) Hester and Billy (sadly). "Good night, Sie. We've got to go to Bed." Distinguished Professor (v:ho is taking down the Hostess). "An, my dbaes, that's wheee we're all wishing we weee ! ' 1881. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Proud Mamma. "Don't you think deae Baby's the Image of his Papa?" Dull hut Well-meaning Family Friend. " Well, peeuaps he is — but I daee say he'll outgeow it in time." 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. H3 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Mrs. Parker. "By the way, Sir Binks, we've just seen youe feiend, Mes. Popham, and hee two peetty Daughters!" Young Sir Binks. " Have you eeally ? I've been looking foe them evebywheee. Such a Ceowd, you know ! One's ALWAYS MEETING THE WEONG PEOPLE ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. "How do you do, Majoe Mortimer? You don't remember me ! " "Oh yes, indeed I do !— Mrs. Kennedy'' 'Ah, that's only because you see me with Mr. Kennedy!" "Oh no, not at all!" J44 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," "LE MONDE OU L'ON S'AMUSE." She. " By the eye, I met youe Brother at Dinner last Night. Such a de lightful Party ! Such a Dinner ! ! Such Flowers ! ! ! " He. "Indeed ! Where was it ? " She. "At the — A — the — A Upon my Word, I eeally' for get whose House it was i was dining At ! " "LE MONDE OU L'ON S'AMUSE.' 1887. "WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT?" "I'm Mary, Queen of Scots, as you see, De. Squills! And who aee you ? " " I'm Horace Walpole ! " A REMINDER. 18S6. "Well, good-by-e, Old Man. We've had a high old time in deae old Paeis, haven't we! To me it all seems like a Dream!" "So it would to me, Old Man if you didn't owe me Thirteen Francs ! " ' DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 145 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. "YOU EEMEMBEE THAT PARTY AT MADAM GeLASMA's, TO HEAR JOACHIM, Rubinstein, and the Henschels, and De Soria— quite a small Party ? " "No; I wasn't there!" "No? Ah— well— it was very select ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. "Ach ! ceacious Laty, I hope zat my long Cheeman Lecture on ze Boetical Aspects of ze Bliocene Beriod did not bore you fery much zis afternoon ? " "Oh, not at all, Professor Wohlgemuth. I don't understand Ger man, Y'OU KNOW." KEEPING ON THE SAFE SIDE. "And so it's a Sore Throat ye've got, Madam ? And have ye ever had one before ? " " Oh yes, often ! " "And what did y-e do for it, now?" "Oh, SOMETIMES ONE THING, AND SOMETIMES ANOTHER." "and did y'e get rid of it that way?" "Oh yes !" "Then I'd just advise ye to do what ye've alway's done, and maybe ye'll get rid of it AGAIN ! " 1885. KEEPING ON THE SAFE SIDE. 5 n 146 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH, WHAT NEXT INDEED I 1870. Grateful Recipient. "Bless you, my Lady! May we Meet in Heaven! " Haughty Donor. "Good Gracious ! ! Drive on, Jarvis ! ! ! " [She liad evidently read Dr. Johnson, who "didn't want lo meet certain people any'WHERE.' CEREMONY. "Well, good-bye, dear Mrs. Jones. I hope you will Excuse my not having Called — the Distance, you know! Per haps YOU WILL KINDLY TAKE THIS AS A VISIT?" "0, CERTAINLY ! AND PERHAPS YOU WILL KINDLY TAKE THIS AS A ViSIT RETURNED?" V. DRAWN- BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. H7 1876. VETO. 'Shall we— a— Sit down?" "I should like to; but my Dressmaker says I mustn't! AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. 187°- Enthusiastic Amateur. "Oh! hang it, Celia! not ready yet! and I've got to Play in the First Quartet ... do look Sharp ! " Celia. "Now don't Fidget, my dear I There's lots of Time I and if we are a little Late, you can Play a little Faster, you know ..." 1 48 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." MODEST ASSURANCE. Lady of the House. " Well, Millicent, how do you Like your new Horse, 'Roland' ?" Millicent. "0, im mensely! But he wants a firm hand, you know. He'd very soon Run Away with me, if i gave him a chance; wouldn't he, Robert ? " Robert (first Cousin to Millicent). "Runaway with y'ou, if y'ou gave him a Chance ? By George, if I can judge of ' Roland's ' Feel ings by my own, I should just Think he would!" MODEST ASSURANCE. 1873. A FLATTERING REQUEST! Lady of the House. "0, Sicnoe Bemolski, I am so Glad you've Come !— we're all so dreadfully Dull! Now do Sit down and Play rs that lovely Sonata of yours. They'll never Begin to Talk till they Hear the Piano going!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 1 4-9 1887. HAPPY THOUGHT! PLEASURE AND BUSINESS. Lady. "A Pretty Sight, isn't it, Doctor? I don't see any of your Little Ones heee! I hope you don't disapprove of Juvenile Parties?' Dr. Littlelums (famous for his Diagnosis of Infantile Disease). "I, my dear Madam ! On the conteaey— I live by them!" SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; 151 IIP1, 1879. CONSEQUENCES OF THE TOWER OF BABEL. (Scene— A Table d'hSte Abroad.) He. "Parlez-vous Feancais, Mademoiselle?" She. "No, Sir." He. " Sprechen Sie Deutsch, Feaulein ? " She. "No!" He. " Habla usted Espanol, Senorita ? " She. "No." He. "Parlate Italiano, Signorina?" She. "No!" {Sighs.) (Pause. ) She. "Do you speak English, Sir?" He. " Helas ! non, Mademoiselle ! " (Sighs deeply.) A FACT.— (FREE TRANSLATION.) Custom-House Officer. "Has your Dog been Verified ? " Brown. ' ' What do Y'OU mean ? " Custom-House Officer. "Has he been passed by the verificator, like the rest of your ' BAGAGES ' ? " Brown. "My Dog's not a ' Bagage ' ! " Custom-House Officer. "He is veey large foe a Dog! How would y'ou that we should know if he does not contain Objects of conteaband, par- BLEU ! " A FACT.-(FREE TRANSLATION.) 1877. 152 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." A GRACELESS CHILD. Uncle Geo-rge. Tiny Tim. " 1872 "'Foe all that we'ee going to Receive,'" &c. Now, Read your Plate, Aunt Maey, and See what that Says ! ' NO ACCOUNTING FOR TASTES. ' Mamma. "Not Kiss Peofessoe Jackson, Lucy? Why not?" Lucy. "He's got such a stubbly Beard, Mamma, and it pricks so! Now, 'I don't mind Captain Thompson's Mous tache ! Do you?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 153 a whispered appeal. "Mamma ! Mamma ! Don't Scold him any more ! It makes the Room so Dark ! " 1875. AN EARLY QUIBBLE. George. " There, Aunt Mary ! what do you Think of that? I drew the Horse, and Ethel drew the Jockey Aunt Mary. "H'm ! But what would Mamma say to your drawing Jockeys on a Sunday?" George. "Ah! but Look here ! We've Drawn him Riding to Church, y'ou know !" 1872. 5--X 154 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 'DON'T ALL SPEAK AT ONCE Mature Siren (archly putting up her "ickle tootsicum"). "Ah ! now which of you is going to put on my Skates foe me?" [Momentary hesitation amongst the Gentlemen — due, no doubt, to hashfulness. A PAIR OF ANTI-VIVISECTIONISTS. 1881. A PAIR OF ANTI- VIVISECTIONISTS. Sir Slangshy Jaunter. ' ' See that old Fellow, Miss Diana? That's Doctoe Katchett, who swears he 's going to find a cuee foe Lu natics ! Just got into teouble. Been teying THE EFFECTS OF Ex- teeme teeeoe and Bodily Fatigue on a Rabbit, and without Chloroform, too, the old euffian ! and then he killed it, and dissected its brain. Going to be had up BEFORE THE BEAK FOl/ it ! Bow Street, you know ! " Miss Diana. "Serve him right, horrid man ! Don't want to know about such people. But talking of Rabbits, what a splendid Run that second Hare gave us to-day ! Thirty mi nutes' GALLOP WITHOUT a check ! — Wasn't it lovely ! !— and i was in at the Death ! ! ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. i55 CELEBRITIES AT HOME. (The new Bishop-elect of Barnesbury tries on his new Raiment in the bosom of his Family.) Youngest Daughter of the House. " Well, I mutht thay, Papa, you do look thupwemely Widiculuth ! " 1885. CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES. 1882. Mrs. Mundy (wife of the Dean of St. Boniface's College, Oxbridge). "And so you used to be at St. Boniface's, dear Lord j'ULLACRES ! HOW VERY ODD THAT I DON'T REMEMBER YOU AT ALL!" Noble Earl (who succeeded his Cousin). "Ah, well, you see — I was only Me. Dobbs in those days — not even Honourable!" 156 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH' THE WORST OF A SOCIAL FIB. "0, Henry, this is too awful! Here come the Wellington Slowboees, who've invited us to Dine with them QUITE QUIETLY, AT FiVE O'CLOCK, SOME Day NEXT WEEK, AND I'VE JUST POSTED A LETTER TO THEM TO DECLINE THE INVITATION, and I've suddenly forgotten what Excuse I made!" THE NEW CURATE. 1872. Orthodox Elderly Spinster. "What a heavenly Sermon, Maria! you might have thought it was a Bishop ! ! 1 " There, if you'd have only Shut your Eyes, I declare DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. i57 BREAKING AN AWKWARD SILENCE. Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful Youth, who lias not opened his ago). "And now let us Talk of something else !" 1880. lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour AT A SMOKING CONCERT. Herr Professor (to young Warbleton Pea- cocke, who has just sung Beethoven's "Adelaida"). "Ach! vat a peaudi- vul zong zat is ! i haf herrt it zung py Cartoni. I haf herrt it zung py Zims Reefs. Zey zung it ferry yell ! Put I haf nef- FER KVITE KNOWN HOW PEAUDIVUL IT VAS TILL I HAF HERRT IT ZUNG PY you! (Young W. P. blushes.) VY, MY' YOUNG Vrent, efen you gan- not make it riticu- LOUS I " AT A SMOKING CONCERT. '58 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," TRUE TACT. IB/C>- Mrs. Silvertongue (who has been chatting most agreeably to Mr. Wilkes for the last two hours). " 0, don't Talk to me of ugly Men, Mr. Wilkes ! I make a Point of never even Speaking to one ! " [Mr. Wilkes, who is rather sick of being told by Women that they on the vjhole object to good looks in the male sex, appreciates the remark immensely. 1872. A DOOMED MAN I Frail and, Delicate Individual (with much Pathos). " Ah, Miss Brown ! I shall never Marry ! " Miss Brown. " Why ? " Frail and Delicate Individual. "Because I'm Consumptive ! — quite convinced of it ! only don't tell my poor mother ! — it would Break her Heart ! " THE COMING RACE. Dr. Evangeline. "By' the bye, mr. saw- yee, aee you engaged to -morrow after noon ? i have eather a ticklish Operation to perform — an am putation, you know." Mr. Sawyer. ' ' I SHALL BE VERY HAPPY TO DO IT FOE YOU." Doctor Evangeline. "0, no, not that! But will y_ou kindly- come and Administer the Chloroform for me .' " THE COMING RACE. 1872. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 159 "HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY." Host (really in agony about his polished inlaid floor). "Hadn't y'ou better come on the Caepet, Old Fellow ? I 'm so afraid you might Slip, you know. '' Guest.] "0, it's all eight, Old Fellow — Thanks ! Theee's a Nail at the End, you know ! " 'HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.' 1873. HAPPY THOUGHT DIVISION OF LABOUR. 1872. "A— look here, Miss Bonamy ! S'pose you Look at the Pictures, while / confine my Attention to the Catalogue ! Get through the Job in half the Time, you know ! " 'HOW SHOULD I MY TRUE LOVE KNOW?' 1872. "Er— what Colour did you Say your Carriage Wheels were?" " Gkeen, picked out with Red ! " "Ee— Thanks ! I shall Look out foe 'em in the Park ! " I bo SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF THE FESTIVE SEASON. BEREAVEMENT. CONSOLATION. HI z o HLU X Q (3 Q g 3 s to" g- o I t, m H H-l 5 0 g -§ 1 62 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH',' 1878. IMPROVING THE SHINING HOUR. Paterfamilias. "It was on that Occasion that Cesae sent the famous Despatch : ' Veni, vidi, vici ' I " Ingenuous Boy. "Ah, that would go foe Sixpence!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. ^3 happy thought 1 1886 This wretched Chimney has got into a most objectionable way Bedell Junior. "Just give it a couple of your Cigars, Governor !— it'll never Smoke again !" Sir Pompey Bedell (poking the fire in his new Smoking-room) of Smoking! A — I can't cuee it." A VALUABLE ACQUISITION. Dutiful Nephew. " O, Uncle, I thought you wouldn't Mind my beinging my friend, Grigg, FROM OUR Office. He ain't much to Look at, and he can't Dance, and he don't Talk, and he won't Play Cards But he's such a Mimic ! ! To-Morrow he'll Imitate you and Aunt Betsy in a way that'll make all the Fellows Roar ! ! 1 " A VALUABLE ACQUISITION. 1872. 1 64 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," FELINE AMENITIES.-TWO CASES OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY. ^ Mrs. * Vere Jones (rushing up to Mrs. Stanley Brown, >«^ ? ^ ZpZn^ ' ZlnZhe ZZuZlh Peerage I Mrs. StanUyBro.cn. "Veey well, thanks, dear ^Z^iss^toTi^pll^ Woman in the-wholc British Empire ! FORM. 1883. First Masher. "Let's stop and look at Punch and Judy, Old Chappie ! I've heard it's as good as a Play!' Second Masher. "I dessay it is, my brave Boy. But we ain't Dressed, you know I DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 165 OVERDOING IT. 1883. "What? going already? And in Mackintoshes? Surely you are not going to Walk !" "Oh, deae no ! Lord Archibald is going to take us to a dear little Slum he's found out near the Minories — such a feaeful place ! fourteen pooe things sleeping in one bed, and no window ! — and the mackintoshes aee to keep out Infection, you know, and hide one's Diamonds, and all that ! " REFLECTED GLORY. Shaman. "Heee! Hi! Are you His Grace the Duke of Bayswater?" Magnificent Flunkey. "I ham!' 1 66 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1833. Enter Mr. Chesterfield Grandison Potts. "How d'ye do, my dear Mrs. Pettifee? I've come to congratulate you on your performance of the Lady of Lyons, at Mes. Tomkyns's. It was simply perfect ! " Distinguished Lady Amateur. "Oh, fae feom perfect, I feae! To be perfect, alas! the part of Pauline requires that ONE SHOULD BE YOUNG AND LOVELY, YOU KNOW !" Mr. C. G. Potts (who piques himself on his old-fashioned courtesy). "My dear Lady', you are a Living Proof to the contrary !" _>v • «¦ • - -,v>- ..._->'' | J''-..Ml V, , > vVA v> 'VtA " --wia^- •>t\a.'2V ^l^7 >^Vl - ' ' -^ \ v '"'¦' ~^w r>/\A ^^t^j THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 13S7. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Herr Professor. "HlM- mel ! Vat a vonder- foll Dree !" Lady Godiva. "Yes; isn't it. I love it better than any Tree IN THE PLACE. It's full of sweet and tender associations FOR ME ! " Herr Professor. "Ach! Z6h ! Your Latysiiip has beehaps blanted IT YOURRZELLFFl Yes ?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 167 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1885. He. "Yes, I know Bootle slightly, and confess I don't think much of him!" She. "I KNOW HIM A LITTLE TOO. He TOOK ME IN TO DINNER A LITTLE WHILE AGO!' He. "Ah, that's just about all he's fit for!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1835. He. "Ah ! I'm afraid I'm not what I used to be ! I've Changed a good deal, you know, in the last few Years ! " She. "Oh, but any' Change in You must be for the Better!" i68 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," / '? ill \\ f'i FAINT PRAISE. ^Esthetic Lady. " Is not that Mrs. Brabazon, whose Photograph is in all the Shop Windows ? ' The Professor. "It is. She is Handsome, is she not?" ^Esthetic Lady. "Well, yaas — but— a — essentially a Woman of the Nineteenth Century!" 1881. ART IN EXCELSI8. 1874. The Montgomery Spiffinses have just had their Drawing-Room Ceiling elaborately Decorated by artistic Hands. They aef. much gratified by the Sensation produced upon their Friends. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 169 MUSIC AT HOME 1872. jl/rs. Zt/ojis Chacer. " How Cruel of you to Get up so Suddenly, deae Me. Rumbeltumski ! Is anything Wrong with the Piano?" Herr Rumbeltumski (with pardonable severity). "No, Matam, but I vos Aveaid dat I inderrubted de general Gonferzation!" Mrs. Lyons Chacer. "0 deae no ! Not at all ! ! Pray go on ! ! ! " MISUNDERSTOOD. Hopkins (on saltatory thoughts intent). " Peay, Miss Julia, aee you Engaged ? " Miss Julia. '" Engaged !' Mr. Hopkins? 0, deae, no ! I am going back to School next Week !" 6— Z 170 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." DIFFERENT VIEWS OF HAMPSTEAD HEATH. Edwin(tohis Angelina). "With you by my Side, my veey Own, with you, I could wander AMONG THESE HEAVEN LY Hills and Dales FOR EVER ! " Angelina(toher Edwin). "And so could / with YOU, MY VERIEST OWN ! ! FOR EVER, AND EVER, AND EVER ! ! ! " Angelina's Sister (to herself). " 0 dear me ! what a Trotting up and down it all is, to be Sure ! " 1873. DIFFERENT VIEWS OF HAMPSTEAD HEATH. TWO VANITIES. (Amateur Vocalist and his Wife, alone together after an Evening Party.) "Did I look Nice to-night, Love ? " "0, no end. H'm! was I in Good Voice?" " First-rate, Love! Tell me, do you prefer me with a Ribbon in my Hair, or Flowers?" "0, either! Look here. Which Style suits me best, do you THINK ? — the fervid Passion cf Santley, or the thrilling ten derness of De Soria?" " 0, both ! Don't you think a yellow Ribbon with Black Lace," &c, &c, &o. TWO VANITIES. 1873. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 171 1879. THANKS WHERE THANKS ARE DUE. (Mrs. Ponsonhy Tomkyns at Home.) Mr. Ponsonby Tomkyns. " How kind of Mademoiselle Serruriee to come to us, my Love, and Sing to us in this friendly WAY, WITHOUT BEING PAID FOR IT, I MEAN ! I'LL GO AND THANK HER." Mrs. Ponsonhy Tomkyns. "Good Heavens, you Goose, don't thank her ! Tell her she has made a Good Impression, and THAT WE HOPE TO HAVE HER AGAIN SOON AH, YOUR GEACE, GOING AWAY ALEEADY ? " The Duchess. "Yes. Thank you veey much for a pleasant Afternoon I" Mrs. Ponsonhy Tomkyns. "Thank you, Duchess! How kind of youe Grace to come to us!! Mademoiselle has a mos VOICE, HAS SHE NOT ? " The Duchess. "Charming! I only wish I could afford to engage her for Tuesday! I've only got Amateurs, you know. By the bye, I shall be happy to send you a Card, if you care to come." Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns. "Oh, thank you, Duchess ! We shall only be too delighted, &c, &c, &c." Mademoiselle Serrurier and her Mother, who think Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns a tremendous Swell, are waiting for her Grace's departure to say, " NOUS VOUS REMEECIONS INFINIMENT, MADAME DE TOMKYNS, DE VOTEE SI AIMABLE ET SYMPATHIQUE ACCUEIL ! " To which Mrs. Ponsonhy Tomkyns will reply, "Oh— ek— ne le jleat:ionnez pas. Je suis si murmee de vous etee utile, vous savvy ! Er— Bong joor ! " (Clever Mrs. P. T. I ! !) 1877- SELF-SACRIFICE. The Beowns give a Juvenile Party, and invite some goou-natueed, lively Young People, of both Sexes, to amuse the Little Ones. [N.B. — Brown is just now adding the last touch to the Christmas-tree in the Library, and Mrs. B. is superintending the final arrangements for supper, downstairs. SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; 173 "EVIL COMMUNICATIONS," &c. (Scene — Mrs. Lyon Hunter's Drawing-Room, during a Lecture on "Women's Rights.") Modest Youth (in a whisper, to Young Lady looking for a Seat). "Ee — excuse me, but do you believe in the Equality of the Sexes, Miss Wilhelmina ? " Young Lady. "Most certainly I do, Me. Jones." Modest Youth. "Haw! In that case of course I needn't give you up my Chair!" AGGRAVATING- FLIPPANCY. Useful Sister (to orna mental Sister, who has been bewailing the dulness of her existence for the last hour). "Bella, you're THE MOST EGOTISTICAL Creature I evee met in my Life ! " - Bella (who always gets out of everything with w joke). "Well, Jane? IF I AM EGOTISTICAL, AT ALL EVENTS IT'S ONLY ABOUT MYSELF!" AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY. m SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1883. THE ANGLO-SAXON COMPLEXION. Frau von Schmeiligrath. " Ach ! Himmel ! Mister Chones ! Vat peautiful Hides they haf, the Young Enklish Misses ! ' 1881. THE LATEST FASHION IN MUSIC AT HOME. "By Mendelssohn, is it not, Miss Peigsby ?"—" We believe so." "One of the 'Songs without Words '?"— " Possibly. We nevah listen to Mendelssohn." "Indeed! You don't admiee his Music?"— "We do not." "May I ask why?"— "Be cause theeb ARE NO Wrong Notes IN IT I " !#:*' 0al^ant Colonel is " out of it" again. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. «75 ¦BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER"— ALAS 1 1881. "Oh, Mamma, -run up and change your Gown befoee anybody comes!" "Why, what's the mattee?" "Well, you'ee only Enamelled foe a Squaee Body, you know, and youe Maid has put you on a Low-Necked Deess!' IT IS ALWAYS WELL TO BE WELL-INFORMED. 1884. She. "Who's my Sistee's Partner, vis-a-vis, with the Star and Ribbon?" He. "Oh, he — ar — he's Sir — Sir — dear me, I forget his Name— but, you know, he went somewhere or other to look after that Scientific Feller — what was his Name ? — you know, who was Lost or something, or else Killed by someone I " 176 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," OFFENSIVE MODEST/. 1883. New Customer. "I don't so much caee what the Things aee made of, you know. All I want is to look like a Gentleman." Tailor (with uncalled-for diffidence). "Well, Sir, I can assure you THAT / WILL DO MY VERY BEST.'" NOT SO BAD FOR AN "OLD CHAPPIE." 1882. First Old Chappie. "Think we've time foe a Cigarette, Old Chappie ? " Second Old Chappie. "Well, Old Chappie, considering Thirty Years are supposed to elapse between this last Act and the next, i think we have ! " AN AGGRAVATING TEUTON. O'Reilly (in tlie heat of apolitical discussion). "The fact is, Sorr, all you Germans are Prigs, regular Prigs!" Herr Muller. " J A wohl ! ALL vf. Chermans are Bricks, eecu- lae Bricks!" O'Reilly. " I said Prigs, Soee — not Bricks .' " Herr Muller. "I haf ears, my Veient ! You said Bricks, op couese— not Prigs." O'Reilly. "Trigs, Soer ! Pig headed COULD-HEAETED PRIGS !" Herr Muller. "Jawohl! Big- headed, GOLD-HEAETED BRICKS !" O'Reilly. "Ah! get out wid ye ! Ye'ee past Praying for ! " Herr Muller. "Zen vy do you go on Brayixg, my Veient?" [Exit O'Teilly foaming at tlie mouth. Herr Muller chuckles for the rest of the day. AN AGGRAVATING TEUTON. 1880. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 1 1 A TRUE FRIEND. A TRUE FRIEND. Humble Host. " I suppose you find Swell Society veey DELIGHTFUL, DON'tYOU, Topsawyee ? " Gorgeous Guest. ' ' 1 believe yee, my Boy ! Why, last night at DlNNEE, NOW, THEEE was I with a Baronet's Lady oi» one Side, and a Dowagee Viscoun tess on the othee, and a Lord Alfred sitting just opposite, and everything else to match ! But, Lor' BLESS YOU, I'm quite content to come and Dine with you, dear old Boy, and deink youe Half - Ceown Sheeey ! " [Helps himself lo another glass. A SENSITIVE PLANT. 1883. "What, back in Town alee ad y, Old Chappie?" "Yes, Old Chappie. Couldn't stand the Country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the Headache ! " HOSPITALITY. 1882. "By the bye, Mr. Jones, they've elected ye at the dlnatherium, i'm happy to obsairve. wlll ye do me the pleasure of dining with me theee next thursday ? — that is, alongside of me, ye know ! " i78 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" THE LAST VALSE BUT FOUR TIME 2-35 A.M. leso. Wife of his Bosom. "Don't keef looking at youe Watch, Algy! One would think you weee in Chuech!' ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB. Mes. Boultby Smith and her Daughters have been "at Home" to their London Feiends every Wednesday Afteenoon for the last seven years. last wednesday some vlsitoes actually came ! DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 179 A NEW TRADE I "Yes, Mum, Fathee kept an Inn at Little Peddington, and Mothee kept the Post-Office there.' "And y'oue late Mastee — who and what was he?" " The Reveeend Me. Wilkins, Ma'am. He kept a Vicaeage at Medlingham, close by ! " 1889. MORBID SUSCEP TIBILITY. Mistrtss. " How is it you came Home feom your Paety so eaely last Night, Susan ? Didn't you Enjoy youeself ? " Susan. "Yes, Ma'am. But the Young Man as took me hin to Supper Insulted mb ! " Mistress. "INSULTED you, Susan ! Why, what did he say ? " Susan. "Yes, Ma'am. He asked me if my Program was full ; and I'm sure I never 'ad nothing but a Sandwich and a Glass of Lemonade, so I come away Home." 1873. MORBID SUSCEPTIBILITY. i8o SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," .ESTHETIC WITH A VENGEANCE. Tom. " I say, Old Man, now you've got that stunning house of youes, you ought to be Looking out for a Wife ! " Rodolphus. "Quite so. I was Thinking OF ONE OF THOSE MlSS Gibsons, don't you know " Tom. "Ah! Let me Recommend the Tall one, Old Man. She'll make the best Wife in the Woeld ! " Rodolphus. "Quite so. But the Short One seems to Har monise better with the kind of furniture I go in for — Buhl and Ma bq ueterie, don't you know." yESTHETIC WITH A VENGEANCE. 1673. PIETY THAT OVERFLOWETH. 1873. "Ulloa! Annie! Clara I Maria! Why, what the Dooce ' "Hush, Heebeet ! Take off your Hat! We're in Church!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 181 MRS. PONSONBY DE TOMKYNS'S "DAY AT HOME. Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns. " So good of you to take pity on us, Duchess ! and you too, deae Lady Adeline ! We weee REALLY FEELING QUITE DESEETED, AND " Footman. "Mes. MacHallistee ! " Mrs. MacAlister (an Aunt of Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns's — quite unexpected, and by no means a person of fashion). "Hech ! ye dLdna think to set byes on me the day, my Bonnie Baienie ! And hoo's a' wi' ye and the guidman, Lassie ? " [Sits down and makes herself quite at home. Stunned hy the axoful apparition, Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns ynentally ejaculates, "Oh Heavens! what will the Duchess think?" and loses all presence of mind. What the Duchess said to Lady Adeline, driving home: — "Nice Motherly Person that Mes. MacAlistee ! She's the Wife of Loed Fin^buey's Scotch Bailiff, it seems. I'd no idea Mes. Tomkyns had such Respectable Connections ! " 1878 Hostess (whispering, to Distinguished TO SING TILL QUITE AT THE END ! " MUSIC AT HOME. (" To such base uses do we come at last.") Amateur). " I want you to sing next I " Distinguished Amateur (whose Voice is not quite what it used to be). Hostess. "Yes — but there are not loss enough— and I want some of the People to go!" 'I thought I wasn't SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 183 HISTORY OF A FAMILY PORTRAIT. 1883. Grigsby. "By the way, that's a new Picture, Sir Pompey — the Knight in Aemoue, I mean !" Sir Pompey Bedell. "Ee— yes. It came to me in eathee a cueious way — er — too long to relate at present. It's an Ancestor of mine — a Bedell of Richard the Third's period ! " Grigsby (who made an all but successful offer of three-seventeen-six for said Picture, last week, to old Moss Isaacs, in Wardour Street). " By Jove, he was precious near being an Ancestor of Mine- too ! " [Proceeds to explain, but is interrupted by Sir P.' s proposing to join the Ladies. SUFFICIENT GROUNDS FOR REFUSAL. 1880. SUFFICIENT GROUNDS FOR REFUSAL. (Scene — Office in Dublin Life Assurance.) Surgeon of the Com pany. " Hearrt and Liver sound as a Bell. Be Jaege, ye've the poinest Loife I iver saw, Sor ! Fwhat's youe Business, oe Pro fession, now ? " Applicant."! haven't got any." Surgeem. " Fwhat ! Ye don't mean to say ye've got Land ! " Applicant. ' ' A few Acees." Surgeon. "Faith ! thin I'm sorry foe ye ! But ye won't do for Us!" [Certificate refused. 1 84 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCIIf .v^-*-c-_-~ _ THE NEW SOCIETY CRAZE 1888. The New Governess (through her pretty nose). " Waall— I come right slick away feom Ne'Yoek City, an' I ain't had much TIME FOE FOOLIN' AEOUND IN EuEOPE— YOU BET ! So I CANT FIX UP YOUE GALS IN THE Eu-EOPEAN LANGUAGES, NO-HOW ! " Belgravian Mamma (who knows there's a Duke or two still left in the Matrimonial Market). " Oh, that's of no consequence. I WANT MY DAUGHTEES TO ACQUIEE THE AMEEICAN ACCENT IN ALL ITS PURITY— AND THE IDIOMS, AND ALL THAT. NOW I'M SURE YOU WILL DO ADMIRABLY! " LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF PORTRAIT-PAINTING. LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF POR TRAIT-PAINTING. ( Why shouldn't a Por trait-Painter make his Sitters pay in •propor tion to tlicir ugliness? He miglit put it to them delicately, but firm ly. ) Alderman Sir Robert. "ah, very like the Colonel — very like, indeed ! Five Hun dred Guineas, did you say ? Well, I should like you tq paint Me like that." Our Artist. "Oh, for you, Sir Robert, it would be Two Thou sand ! I don't wish TO FLATTER, BUT Y'OU HAVE — A — A VERY' EX PENSIVE Cast of Fea tures. The Colonel's features are or dinary, poor old Chap ! Hook Nose, short Uppee Lip, prominent Chin, little Mouth, big Eyes, high Fore head, and all that, you know — very cheap, indeed ! " I8_3. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 185 CUTTING. 1884. Edwin. "These confounded Feench Duffees don't seem to understand their own Language, Angy!" Angelina. "Not as you Speak it, Love! By the way, I would recommend you always to speak French in France, when you have anything of a confidential natuee to impaet to me befoee the natives ! so many of them understand a little English, you know ! " A GENERIC DIFFERENCE. 1876. First Schoolgirl (Sweet Eighteen). "I am so tired of Walking along by Twos and Twos in this way! It's as bad as the Animals going into the Ark ! " Second Ditto (ditto ditto). " Worse! Half of them were Masculine !" 6— B B 1 86 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A TRUE ARTIST. Mamma (to Tommy, loho has been allowed for a few minutes to wait at table). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to Bed." Tommy (to Footman). "Do rou ever Kiss the Missus, Charles?" Footman. "No, Sir!" Tommy. " Then / won't ! '" 1878. EXPERIENTIA DOCET. Eldest of Fourteen. "Where's Baby, Madge?" Madge. "In the othee Room, I think, Emily. FJelest of Fourteen. "Go directly, and See what she's doing, and Tell hee she Mustn't!" 1872. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 187 UNCONSCIOUS REPARTEE. 1882. Uncle Dick (an eminent R.A.). "Well, Johnny, and what are You going to be?" Johnny. " I shall be a Judge, like Papa ! " Uncle Dick. "Ah, but you haven't Brains enough, my Boy!" Johnny. "Oh, then I'll be an Artist, like you!' a contented mind. 1872. "0, Mamma ! we have had such Fun ! Fancy, we've been doing Private Theatricals, and all of us Took a Part !" 'Indeed! And what Part did you all Take?" "C the Tart of those who Look on and Clap their Hands, you know." i88 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," PROPRIETY IN A FIX. 1876 Mes. Quiveeful has theee Daughtees just engaged, and the pleasing Duty devolves upon hee of chaperoning them WHEN THEY TAKE THEIE WALKS ABROAD WITH THEIE EESPECTIVE LOVEES. UNFORTUNATELY, THE YOUNG COUPLES WILL GO THEIE OWN DIVERGENT WAYS ! BEWARE HOW YOD INTRODUCE YOUR INTIMATE FRIENDS TO EACH OTHER. The Tomkinsons THINK THOSE DEAE JeN- KINSONS WOULD GET ON SO WELL WITH THOSE DELIGHTFUL WILKIN SONS THAT THEY GIVE A SMALL DINNER-PARTY TO ENABLE THESE TO MEET. Behold them after Dinner : — The Wil kinsons and Jenkin- sons aee getting on so very well together, that poor t. and his Wife are completely left out in the cold and have to fall back on their own photo- graph-Albums ! BEWARE HOW YOU INTRODUCE YOUR INTIMATE FRIENDS TO EACH OTHER, 1876. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 189 DUE APPRECIATION OF ARTISTIC MERIT. 1878. "The Doctor has been, Harry, and he says there's nothing serious the matter with Cook, but that she requires Port Wine. So I'm going to give her some of that we got for Baby last year." "Good Heavens, Mary, don't give her that! Give her whatever remains of the '34 your Uncle, the Dean, left us; and then go on with the '47, you know ! " ALTRUISM. Affable Stranger. "And are you the only One?" Small Boy. "Oh, no! There's Papa and Mamma, you know! igo SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' SOCIAL AGONIES. loo°' Brown (the eminent and witty Q.C.) would be the most delightful Company in the World, but for a Habit he has, when he holds forth, of unconsciously Building the most elaborate and top-heavy Structures with his Hostess's best Wine Glasses and Decanters. A SEVERE CRITIC. She (innocently). "Landscape! more like Nature than / am ! ' 1884. Nature, indeed ! Why, it's no BREAKING THE ICE. 1885. Pompous Briton. "A— a— a Cousin of mine met some People of your Name residing at Naples. Could you tell me who they might be ? " Polite Foreigner. "My eldest Bruzzer and his Family." Pompous Briton. "Oh, but they are Great Swells our there !" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 191 1885. A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. Effie. "What! is that the beautiful Miss Jones? Why, I admire tw more than her, Mamma!" Mamma. "Oh, my Dear!" Effie. "I think she's perfectly Hideous!" PERFUNCTORY. 1885. 'Can I have a Dance?" — "Oh yes. Number Eighteen !" 'Tha-anks! Only I shan't be heee!"— "No moee shall I!' SEPARATE INTERESTS 187a Husband. "Hi ! Maria ! Take care of the Paint !" Painter. "It don't matter, Ma'am. It'll all 'ave to be painted again!' 192 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," HAPPY THOUGHT FOR THE NEXT LONDON SEASON— FOOTWOMEN. Twice as Ornamental as Male Flunkeys without being a bit more Useless or Conceited, 1878. SOCIAL AGONIES. Man-Servant (in stentorian accents). "Lady and Mister Jones ! " Lady Jones. " I'm so sorry, dear Mrs. Lyon Hunter ! Poor Sir John is so oppressed by the Heat, that he did not dare venture out to Dinnee to night. But I have BRCuanr you our Son in his place ! " [Sir John Jones, as everybody knows, is the Dion of the Season, besides being the wittiest man in London, and all the people assembled for dinner at Mrs. Lyon Hunter's have been invited expressly to meet Sir John Jones ! 194 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' 1878. CHERUBIC. "Is that Geeat-Geandpapa, Auntie deae?"— "Yes. That's Geeat-Grandpapa!" "And was Geeat-Geandpapa Clevee?" — "Veey Clevee, indeed!" "And was Geeat-Geandpapa veey Good?" — "Veey, very Good!" "And is that all there was of Geeat-Geandpapa?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 195 LEVELLING TENDENCY OF MODERN DRESS. 1877. Old Gentleman (shocked beyond description) to Verger. "Don't you think those Youths had better be Told to take their Hats off?" Verger. " Take their 'ats off ! Bless you, Sir, those are the Dean's young Ladies I " QUlD PRO QUO. Madame Gaminot. " Oh yes, Monsieur Jones, 3'adore les Anglais ! Zey under stand Bisnesse ! Foe example, zey pay me Sixty Pound — Fif teen 'Undred Franc — to sing ' La Blanch- isseuse du tambour- Majoe' at a Evening Paety ! It seem a geeat deal ! but zey Laugh, and zey say, ' Oh, shaemong ! Oh, eavissong ! ' and it mek eveeybody sink zat eveeybody else know fkench — it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it zem- selfs ! ! ! ca vaut bien quinze cents francs, J'ESPERE 1 " QUID PRO QUO 196 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," GROUNDLESS ALARM. 1878. "Good Heavens, Girls ! what — what does this mean? A Post-Caed, addeessed to one of you, and on it I eead : — 'Are YOU AND YOUR SlSTEES COMING TO THE B. AND S. CLUB THIS AFTEENOON ? ' " "It's all right, Papa deae ! B. and S. stands for Battledore and Shuttlecock!" A FRIEND IN NEED. 1884. Bobby Short. "I say— I can't find my Partner, Miss Wilson I Have you seen her?" Tommy Long. "Don't know her by Sight, even! But, if you like, I'll lift you up, and You can Hunt for yourself I DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 197 SKs»Sr — A NEW TASTE IN MEN AND WOMEN 1883. She. "What a fine-looking Man Mr. O'Brien is !" he. "h'm— hah — eather rough-hewn, i think. can't say i admire that loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of Man. Now that 's a fine-looking Woman he 's talking to ! " She. " Well— er— somewhat effeminate, you know. Confess I don't admire effeminate Women!" A VENIAL TRESPASS. Squire Bluenose. "Now then, Sir! Can't you read? Didn't you observe that this Road is Private?" Edwin. "A — m — yes ! To tell you the honest Truth, that's exactly why we came here!" 1889. 1 98 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCM* TOWN MOUSE AND COUNTRY MOUSE. Ethel. "Look— look, Dorothy ! There's Richard Marvel ! " Dorothy (Country Cousin). " Richard Maevel? Who's he?" Ethel. "What, nevee heard of Richard Maevel ? Why, he's the actoe, y'ou know, at the Paethenon ! " Dorothy. " Oh ! an Actor, is he ! He's something like Me. Osbaldistone Smith." Ethel. "Who's Mr. Osbaldistone Smith?" Dorothy. " What ! NEVER HEARD OF Mr. Osbaldistone Smith!! Why, he's the geeat- est Beeeder of Shoet- hoens in all cumbee- LAND ! ! ! " TOWN MOUSE AND COUNTRY MOUSE. 1883. HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE KEPT WARM 1 Mrs. Jones. "Oh, I've left out the Beowns! Must we INVITE THEM ? " Jones. "Hang it all, it's a beastly Boee, but I suppose WE MUST I" 1883. Mrs. Brown. " An Invitation from the Joneses, Love ! Must we accept ? " Brown. "Confound it I It's a ghastly Nuisance — but I SUPPOSE WE MUST!" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 199 FAME. IC<"- ( Tlie Quarter of an Hour before Dinner. ) Son of the House (to the Hero of the Day). ' ' Are you any relation to the Williamson ? " General Sir Archibald Williamson, Q.C "., G.C.S.I., V.C., &c, &c, dec, &c. "The Williamson?" Son of the House. "Yes; Fred Williamson, you know, who Jumped Five Feet Seven and Three-quarters at our Sports this Term! " OUR CURATES. 1889. "My Vicar 's away ! I preach Three Times on Sunday, and Boss the entire Show ! " 200 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A DELICATE QUESTION. 1886. Monsieur le Comte. "And now, Madam, zat you 'aye so kindly instruct me on ze interesting 'Istory of ze 'Ouse, dare I PERMIT MY'SELP TO ASK HOW FAR DOES YOUR PROPRIETY EXTEND ? " SIR GORGIUS ON THE "CONTINONG 1881. Sir a. Midas (to his Younger Son). "There's a Glass o' Champagne for yer, 'Enry I Down with it, my Lad-and thank Eaven you re an Englishman, and can afford to drink it ! " & DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 201 THE BEBE BONNET. Fashionable Customer. "But it makes me Look so Innocent!" Fashionable Milliner. "Oh no ! INDEED, Madam! Anything but that!" Fashionable Customer. "Are you sure, now ? " Fashionable Milliner. ' ' Quite sure, Madam ! " Fashionable Customer. "Then you may send it me ! " THE BEBE BONNET. GENEROUS SELF-DENIAL. Hostess. " You are not Dancing, Mrs. Mirabel ! I suppose you've given up such a frivolous Amusement ? " Mrs. Mirabel (stoid Lady of considerable personal attractions). " 0 dear, no ! But-a-Young Men are scarce, and I don't think it's quite fair to the Girls, you know ! " 7— D D 202 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1880. SUDDEN RESULTS OF DUCAL CAPRICE. SUDDEN RESULTS OF DUCAL CAPRICE. Todeson (a staunch Con servative ever since he shook hands with Royalty, last week). "Look, Aunt, there 's Cze- schski, the Violinist, you" know ! By Jove, if he isn't sitting between the duchess of Ipswich and the Duchess of Putney ! Splendid fellow, Czeschski ! Most charming Women, their Graces ! — know them both well — must inteoduce y'ou some day" — (bows elaborately — is completely ignored— continues his remarks to his Aunt) — "Ugh! If it AIN'T SICKENING TO SEE THE WAY THAT FAWN ING Fiddling Cad toadies those two old Frumps, just because they 're Duchesses ! Why, they wouldn't even speak to him if he weren't a Fo reigner ; and they 'll cut him dead next week — that's a com FORT ! Ugh ! What a world ! " [Becomes a Radical again on the spot. A NARROW ESCAPE. (Todeson very nearly i becomes a Conservative again.) The Duchess (suddenly recognising T.). "Oh, how d'y'do? I'm so GLAD TO MEET YOU, Mk. — Mister — a " Todeson (hastily drop ping Mrs. Crumps, icife of the Radical Member for Sjritalficlds). "Ob, Duchess! How kind op your Grace to say so !" The Duchess. "A-I can't see my Foothas anywhere. Willyov be so good as to find out if the Carriage has come?" [Exit poor T. *» search of the Uveal conveyance. A NARROW ESCAPE. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 203 1885. WHO WOULDN'T BE A DRAWING-MASTER! AN INVIDIOUS GROWL. Lucy. "Who's that Grand-looking Lady talking to Mr. Todeson, Papa?" I Lucy. "'Her Grace'? How can you tell she's a Duchess, Papa ! ' Papa. " Haven't an idea, my Love ! Never baw her Grace in my life ! " I Papa (who. verhavs. is not mi maakim, term., «*th 75,,,JW™1 - Tfv Tmm„ Papa {who, perhaps, is not on speaking terms with Duchesses). " By Todeson's Back I ' SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 205 1876. A MOTHERLY PUFF. Manoeuvring Mamma (anxious that her Daughter's chief attraction should not escape the notice of the very eligible Young Man who is taking her— the Daughter— down to supper). "Maria ! Maria ! ! " Maria. "Yes, Mamma ! " Manoeuvring Mamma (in loud whisper). "Take your Eyelashes out of Tangle, Darling!" SENSE AND SENSIBILITY. "You've heard about the poor dear Duchess ? Isn't it too Awful ? " "It is, indeed ! Did you happen to know her Grace ? " "Well — er — No ! " " No MORE DID I ! Happy Thought — Let us tey and beae up ! " n I , /- /// SENSE AND SENSIBILITY 1873- 206 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," CONFUSION OF CAUSE AND EFFECT. Maggie. "Oh ! Tommy! ! look at that sweet little Thing - 1 ! I'm afeaid it's afeaid of Chimborazo! Just wag Chimbo- razo's Tail, to put him in a good Tempee, theee's a good Boy ! A COUSINLY HINT. "How Tall our Shadows are, Claude!' 1873. 'Yes, aeen't they?" "Tall enough foe us to be Maeried, / think I" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURI ER. 207 CASUISTIC INGENUITY. "Geacious Heavens ! Childeen, Children ! are you aware that to-day is Sunday?' "Yes, Mamma, but we'ee peetending it isn't, you know; so it's all eight!" an epicure. "Oh Geoege, I'm ashamed of you — rubbing your Lips like that, after that dear little French Girl has given you a Kiss ! " "I'm not rubbing it out, Mammy ! — I'm rubbing it in!" 20§ SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH* A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY. (On returning from the Theatre, the Thompsons find their Housemaid in great distress, with her arm bound up in her Apron.) Mrs. Thompson. " What is the mattee, Ann ? Have you huet youe Hand ? " Ann. "W-w-w- worse THAN THAT, Ma'AM ! " Mrs. Thompson. "Not beoken your Arm, I trust?" Ann. " W-w-woese THAN THAT ! " Mrs. Thompson. "Good Heavens! — what is it ? " Cook. "The fact is, Ma'am, the silly Giel has been teyin' on youe new Bracelet, and none of us knows how to Get it Off AGAIN ! " A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY. 1880. THE FESTIVE SEASON. 1883. "And you may all of you ask a Friend to Dinner, you know; and, Smithers, you can ask your Wife." Butler. "Thank you, Ma'am. I think not, if you please, Ma'am I " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 209 EARLY DOMESTIC TRIALS. 1884. Young Wife (in great trepidation — to her Brother). "Tommy, I'm going to give the Cook Warning. Just listen at this Corner, and as soon as you hear Me say, ' Cook, I give you a Month's Warning from To-day,' mind you Call me, and say I'm wanted immediately ! " 1877. A PARAGON. -Lady's-Maid (enumerating her Qualifications for the Place). "I may likewise hadd, Mem, that I halways manages to marry my Young Ladies most satisfactory!" 7— E E 210 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A TERRIBLE ALTERNATIVE. 1885. He. "It's a Polk^a; but we can Waltz to it." She. "Oh, not for Worlds ! I hate Waltzing to a Polka ; besides I adore the Polka Step!" He. "Sorry ! I— a— nevah dance the Polka ; but we can sit out this Dance, if you like— and / will Talk to you J" She. " Oh, good gracious, no ! Let us dance it any way you like ! " ll[ , fl 1 if i; j ;' r? !i H 1 .' h i "<. THE JOYS OF PHOTOGRAPHY. 1886. Photographer (about to make his fourteenth attempt). " Could you manage to look a little bit less Dreary, Sir— just for half a Second — not more ! " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 211 AMONG THE TRITONS. (The Duchess of Stilton at Home— Small and Early.) 1885. Mrs. Minnow (indignantly, to her husband). "Look, Love! Mr. and Mrs. Stickleback, of all People! To think of those Sticklebacks being here ! ! " Mr. Minnow. "Yes, Love ! and to think of their being the only People in the Room we know!" [Mr. and Mrs. Stickleback are saying precisely the same things of their old friends Mr. and Mrs. Minnow. SNOB -SNUBBING. "A — I THINK YOU KNOW THE TETTER- bys. Are they — A — QUITE the sort of People One can ask to One's ho use, don'tcherknow ? " "Oh, certainly, if you wish to. Whether they'll come or not, is another Ques tion!" SNOB-SNUBBING. 1886. 212 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR. Billy Wapshot. "I say, look here, you know ! They've cast me for the part of Sir Guy Earliswoodde, an awful ass that every' one keeps laughing at ! how the dickens am i to Act such a beastly pakt as that ? — and how am I to Dress for IT, I SHOULD LIKE TO KNOW ? " Brown (Stage Mana ger). "My deae Fel low, DEESS JUST AS YOV ARE! — AND AS FOE ACT ING, BE AS NATURAL AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! It WILL BE AN IMMENSE SUCCESS ! " DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS. THE ACTOR. 1884. HAPPY THOUGHT. A "SUNDAY SCHOOL FOR THE UPPER CLASSES.' 1883. HAPPY THOUGHT. A " SUNDAY SCHOOL FOR THE UPPER CLASSES." (Vide Bishop of OxforoTs Speech at the Church Congress. ) Elizabeth Waring(Laun- dress and Charwoman, and Sunday School Teacher to the U.C.). "And now, MY DEAE LITTLE LADIES and Gentlemen, I trust you will not desecrate this beautiful sunday Afternoon by going on THE RlVEE ! YOU CAN DO THAT FEOM MONDAY MOENING TILL SATURDAY Night, you know ! His Lordship here, who was at Eton and Ox ford, will no doubt remember how the oars he had plied so busily all the Week, lay untouched on sunday! And you too, my dears, will please to give up the River, on that one day to those who have been toiling all the busy Week long in stifling Offices and grimy Workshops, and such-like I " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 213 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. jinks. " a — have i had the — a— pleasure of saying good-bye to you Mary ? " 1879. Or, Beauty, peerless as thou art, And -wide thy range, and keen thy dart And meek the captives of thy bow, Inconstant beats the manly heart — The present Bard's extremely bo I TWO THRONES. Wit, Wisdom, Strength, and Valour meet (The Bard amongst them), at thy feet To kneel in homage, as of old ; Yet turn a rival Queen to greet, Whose crown is of a purer gold ) Freen as thou wilt thy feathers fine, A gift is hers, by grace divine, Even more potent to enthral, 0 Bird of Paradise, than thine, The hearts and souls of one and all t And what avail thy gilded crest, The silver shimmer of thy breast, The glories of thy painted wing, If, yielding to the Bard's behest, The Nightingale vouchsafe to sing ! SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," « 215 SOCIAL AGONIES. 1885. Young Husband. "Yes, Aunty, I flatter myself the Room looks pretty well — but, my dear Ellen, where, in the name of Fortune, did you get those atrocious Yases ? They're a perfect eyesore ! " Young Wife. "My dear Fred! What are you saying? Why, dear Aunty gave them to us! They're perfectly lovely I " [Dear Ellen has just exhumed them from a Cupboard, where they are always kept when dear Aunty is not expected. "NO ONE IS A HERO TO HIS VALET." Sir Arthur Pill- son, Bart., M.D., F.R.C.P., &c, &c, &c. "And are you better, Simpson, after that medi cine i gave you last night ? " Cook. "Well, I CAN'T SAY AS I HAM, SlE Haethue ; AND TO TELL YOU THE TEUTH, IP Y'OU'VE NO OBJECTION, SlR haethue, i should like to consult a regular Medical Man!" 'NO ONE IS A HERO TO HIS VALET." 1882. 216 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," 1884. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. " HOW GOOD OF YOU TO COME AND SEE ME, Me. PlNKERTON ! " "Well, you know, Mrs. Bounderby, the Mountain wouldn't come to Mahomet, so Mahomet had to come to the Mountain ! THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID Deaf OU Gentleman. "The Conversation seems very Amusing, my Dear. What is it all Hostess (fortissimo). "When they say anything worth repeating, Grandpapa, I'll tell you!" 1885. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 217 THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1886. Host (across table). "By the way, Bishop, I hear Sir Wormwood and Lady Scrubbs are in Town, and Justice Tupper and his Wife. I only wish I had known it before, for I would have asked them to-day to meet you ! " Mental Chorus of Guests. "I wonder which of Us would have been left out!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1887. Major le Mashant. "How charming !— a— so delightfully played !— a— such a lovely Composition !— a— I only heard the last few Bars— a— sur it was quite enough!" 7 — F F 2l8 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," A PHILOLOGICAL POSER. Herr Professor. "Iss it not a shdrainch Ting, Laties, dat de Latin Race qannot aguire de Enklish Bronouncy-ation ? I haf choost dis m&mend baedet from an Idalian Chendleman (a crade vkent of mine ant a ferry gleffek Man) who has liffed in lonton almoste as LONG AS / HAF^- DVENDY-YIFE EeEERBS — ant foot you pelief it? He shbeegs Enk lish VIT A KVITE SHDEONG YOBEIGN In- DONATION ! HOW TO YOU AGOUND VOB A ZO EGGSHDEA - OEETINARY ZEEEGOOMSHDANZ AS TAT ? " A PHILOLOGICAL POSER. 1873. HIGHLY INTERESTING I Elderly Belle. "0, that's Mrs. Wellesley de Crespigny Brown, is it? Er— who was she ? " Old Beau. " She was a Miss Chichester de Ponsonby Jones." Elderly Belle. " Ah ! — One of the Berk shire Willougbby DlGBY RlGBY DE P0N- sonby Joneses, I sup pose ? " Old Beau. "No! — No !— my dear Lady ! One of the Cholmon- deley chorlby haw- ley Crawley de Pon sonby Joneses, you know." Elderly Belle. "You don't Say so, Major I" HIGHLY INTERESTING! 1871. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 219 MUSIC AT HOME. 1871. The Hostess. "Dear Miss Linnet! would you— would you Sing one of those charming Ballads, while I go and See if Supper's Ready?" The Companion. "0, don't Ask me — I feel Nervous. There are so many People " The Hostess. "0, they won't Listen, bless you! not one of them! Now DO!!!" 1871. A POSER. Enthusiastic Young Lady. "0, Me. Robinson, does not it evee Strike you, in Listening to Sweet Music, that the Rudiment of Potential Infinite Pain is subtly Woven into the Tissue of our keenest Joy ? " 2 20 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" ' LA POLITES8E DU CCEUR 1886. Mamma (after dinner). "Alice deae, let us hear your new Song." Alice. "I'm afeaid of disturbing Dr. Schmidt, Mamma. Herr Schmidt (waking up). "Ach! do not mind Me. I will take myself away from ze Room!" INTELLECTUAL CULTURE v. ARISTOCRATIC BARBARISM. (Mrs. de Montmorency Jones calls upon Lady Clara Robinson (ne'e Vere de Vere) about the character of a Nursery Govejiiess.) Mrs. de M. J. "And MAY I INQUIEE IF YOU considee Miss Wilkin son THOEOUGIILY COM petent to impart Efficient Instruction to the youngee fe MALE Membees OF MY Family, aged eespec- tively Five and Theee?" Lady C. "What, teach youe two little Girls ? Oh, yes ! " SNTELLECTUAL CULTURE V. ARISTOCRATIC BARBARISM. 1886. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 221 MUSIC AT HOME. (A Comic Song, in French, hy Monsieur Patatras.) Mamma (sharply). "Vera, why don't you Laugh? Can't you see everybody's in Fits?" Miss Vera. "He Sings so Fast, Mamma! I don't understand a Word he says!" Mamma. " No more do I— no more does Anybody. But you needn't show it, you silly Child ! ! ' 1885. TRULY CONSCIENTIOUS. Host (.famous for his Cellar). " Good Heavens, Man ! Don't drink that Champagne ! That's for the Children ! " 1883. 222 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' COLONISING IN IOWA, U.S. 1881. (A Hint lo the Younger Sons of our Aristocracy, and eke to the Daughters thereof. ) Lady Maria. "How late you are, Boys! Youe Baths aee eeady, and I've mended youe Deess Trousers, Jack. So look sharp and clean yourselves, and then you can lay the Cloth, and keep an eye on the Mutton while Emily and I are DRESSING FOR DINNER." Lord John. "All right. How many are we to lay foe?" Lady Emily. " Eight. The Talbots are coming, and Major Cecil is going to bring the Duke of Stilton, who's stopping with him." "NOBLESSE OBLIGE." Old Friend. " Hullo, Dick ! How aee you ? I wish you'd come and Dine with me to-night. But now you'ee a Lord, I suppose I mustn't call you Dick any longee, 0e even ASK YOU TO DlN- NEE ? " Noble Earl (who has just come into his Title). " Loed BE blowed ! Lend me A FlVEE, AND YOU may call me what you like — and i'll Dine with you into the baegain i " RESPECTFUL. 1883. "NOBLESSE OBLIGE 1887. Sir Gorgius' s Footman. "Wheee have you deopped your People, Me. Plunkett?" The Duke of Stilton's Footman. "Oh, I shot my Rub bish at Peince's Gate. Wheee have you shot yours?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 223 A MODEST DISCLAIMER. 1882. Self-satisfied Amateur (showing his Drawings to Our Artist, R.A.). "And recollect I'm not in the Trade, mind yee. I'm a Hosier, by Profession!" SOME PEOPLE ARE SO LITERAL I 1882. " Oh yes ! I was at Beown's Wedding. I was Best Man. Saw him Maeeied to the Sweetest and Loveliest Giel I know, with a Couple of Thousand a yeae of hee own, and then staeted them on a Six Months' toue theough eueope. lucky dog ! i could have throttled him ! " "'Throttled' him, Me. Jones! And all because a geeat piece of Good Foetune has happened to him ! You surprise and shock me ! " CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. Edwin. " I've just found a Shot in my Bit of the Paeteidge ! " Angelina. " How odd ! So have I. Poor Thing — They've had to Shoot it Twice I 1886. 224 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." LA CHASSE AUX LIONS. 1879. Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns (bursting into her husband's smoking-room). "Ponsonby! Quick!! Pen, Ink, and Paper !!!— and Write immediately! !!! " Mr. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns. "What is it now, my Love?" Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "Why, Monsieur de Paris is coming over with his Family to visit England. Write and SECURE THEM POE THURSDAY WEEK. WE SHALL HAVE CROWDS— ALL LONDON!" Mr. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "My Love, His Royal Highness will never come to the likes of us.'" Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns. "You Goose ! It's not the Comte de Paris ! It's Monsieur de Paris, as they call him— the Public Executioner, you know. Do as I tell y-ou ! " [Ponsonhy did as he was told. All London came to Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tomkyns' s Thursday Afternoon— but Monsieur de Paris didn't. He took his Wife and Children to Madame Tiissaud's instead, to see the Guillotine ! FaUhlcss Monsieur de Paris 1 ! Poor Mrs. P. T. ! ! I DISASTROUS RESULT OF BEAUTYMANIA. The last new Beauty, having an innocent cast of Countenance, has been Painted, Sculptured, and Photographed with her Head on one side Sucking her Thumb. (N.B. — The Gentlemen are joining the Ladies after Dinner.) 226 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH" 1874. A DISCREET HINT. Matilda (star-gazing). "How I wish I could Catch a Falling Star!" Young Dohhs (irhose Picture hits been so successful at the Academy this Year). "That's impossip,le, Miss Matilda. But— a— might I suggest that you needn't go far for a rising one ? " DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 227 LE MONDE OU L'ON S'INSTRUIT. 1889. (Mrs. Professor Borax at Home. Conversazione. ) Young Masham (to Hostess). "A — a— how d'ye do?— a"— (glances round the room) — "a — m — A — Good-bye." [Exit. A WOMAN'S REASON. "Man more con sistent than Woman! Oh no, Sir Peter. Look at my Husband ! In all things he puts his Sister before his Wife. Look at my Brother! In all things he puts his Wife before his Sis ter! When in both cases it ought to be exactly the reverse ! now did you ever hear anything so ab- suedly conteadictory in all your life ? ! " [Sir Peter wisely gives in. A WOMAN'S REASON. 1884. 228 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," FEMININE PERVERSITY. 1888. Aunt Betsy. " I wonder, James, at your encouraging young Cadby to be so much with Madeline ! He's a bad Match, AND NOT A GOOD FELLOW, I FEAR ! " Papa. " Confound him, no ! I've given him carte-blanche to come when he likes, and she's getting rather tired OF HIM AT LAST, FOR I'm ALWAYS CRACKING HIM UP ! " Aunt Betsy. "And that nice fellow, Goodenough? He's never here now?" Papa. "No; I've forbidden him the house, and won't even allow his Name to be mentioned. She's always think ing OF HIM IN CONSEQUENCE. I'M IN HOPES SHE'LL MARRY HIM SOME DAY I " A MATTER OF QUALIFICATION. The Squire. "Have you encaged your New Curate yet, Mrs. Whippyngiiam ? The Recloress. "No; it's rather difficult. You see, Maud and Ethel Tennis-Player, and they won't stand what they call a 'Duffer'!" insist on his being a really good Lawn- DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 229 SOCIAL INSINCERITIES. His Lordship (vociferously with the rest). "Brava! Encore! Beautiful! Goon! I could listen all night I ' (Aside to Footman.) "Just see if my Caeeiage is come. Look shaep ! " 1887- COMPENSATION. Effie. "But, dear Mamma, how can we help being selfish, Maud and I? You and Papa have always given way to us in eveeything ! Unselfish Paeents always make Selfish Childeen, you know,— and vice versa!" Maud. "Yes; and, according to that, Mummy barling, just think what nice ITa-selfish Grj.vkchildeen you'll have, if we ever Marry ! " 230 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' LITERAL. 1878. Soft-hearted. Grandpapa (to Tommy, wlw has just been castigated by his Mamma). "And you know Tommy, it really pains Mamma moke than it does You!" Tommy. "Oh yes, I know it does ! She says so ! It hurts her Hands!" AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE The Major. "You'ee a veey nice Fellow, Tommy! Don't most People tell you so! Tommy. "Yes, they does. And they often Gives me something!" 1877. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 231 NORTH AND SOUTH. (Differences of Dialect. ) The " Macwhuskcy.'' "Weel, my braw wee English Laddie ! Here have i come a' the way to London to VEESIT Y'E GUID Fe\- THEE AND MlTH ER, Til AT beought ye with 'em to see me in theum- niteochit last yeae — whep.e ye rode a cockiioese on my Knee! D'ye mind me, THE NOO?" The Braw Wee Eng lish Laddie. " Oh no — / don't mind y'ou — not a bit. It's Papa and Mamma .' " NORTH AND SOUTH. 1889. THE WORST OF "A LONG. LANE THAT HAS NO TURNING I" Laura. "Oh, Charlotte, how dreadful! There comes young Mr. Marshall, walking with your Husband! I've just keceived a Letter from him, asking me to be his Wife— and I haven't made up my mind whether to Accept him or not ! " 232 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1889- Miss Buejgc. "Oh, but mine is such a horrid Name!" Young Brown. "Ah— a— um— I'm afeaid it's too late to alter IT NOW ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. "By the way, y-oue friend O'Leaey dined with me last night. What a dull Dog he is ! " " Oh, that depends on what Company he's in ! * THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID Mi s. Mildmay. "Aee you looking foe a Seat, Sie Guy ? Come and sit heee between Geoege and Me ! " Sir Guy Brummel (with playful humour). "No ; I WILL NOT COME between Husband and Wife. Nobody can say / evee made a Man jealous." Mrs. Mildmay (wish ing to he pleasant). "No, INDEED — THAT I'm SURE YOU NEVEE DID ! " [Moral— Beware how you make insincere jokes about yourself. THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1884. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 233 ^flltt THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. He. " Everybody will be leaving Town now that Parliament is dissolved." She. "Yes. Indeed I think all the Nice People have left already!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1886. She. "And you are eeally better, Professor, since you came TO LIVE IN HAMPSTEAD?" He. "Oh, yes, a Different Man altogether !" She. "HOW PLEASED ALL YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE ! " nX ¦ l^ THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. Tomlinson. "Good bye, Miss Eleanoea — ." Miss Eleanora. "But you've already said Good-bye to me, Me. Tomlinson ? " Tomlinson (who is always ready with some pretty speech). "Have I, eeally' ? Well, one can't do a Pleasant Thing too often, you know ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1886. 8— h n 234 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF TORTRAIT PAINTING. THE FINISHING TOUCH. Fair Sitter's Mamma. "I'm sure the Nose is not Aquiline enough, Mr. Sopely ! " The Artist (with one dexterous sweep of his brush). "Is that bet ter ? " Fair Sitter's Mamma. "Oh, ever so much! Now the Likeness is simply perfect!" Fair Sitter's Papa (who is always so con- lj tradiclory). "Hum! Now 2" consider that last Touch has spoilt the Likeness alto- GETHEE ! " [Sopely's brush was perfectly dry, and so was his canvas ! LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF PORTRAIT PAINTING.— THE FINISHING TOUCH. SOCIAL AGONIES. (Scene — Mrs. Montgo mery Moitis's Draw ing-room just before Dinner.) Mrs. Sidney Mountjoy (to Hostess). "Oh yes, blaeritz was all veey well, but we got into a quaeeel with some People theee — a dreadful couple, who behaved most shame fully ! i'm told the Husband, a ceetain Mr. Hamilton Allsop, means to pull sidney's Nose whenever and wherever he meets him, and his horrid Wife actually de- claees she'll " Footman. " Me. and Mes. 'Amilton Hall- sop ! " SOCIAL AGONIES. 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 235 1886. THE NEW VERB. Banjo, Banjas, Banjat— Banjamus, Banjatis, Banjant! 1876. FANCY BALL VANITIES. Mr. and Mrs. Brown are asked to the Fancy Ball at the Mansion House, and are kind enough to invite their less-favoured Friends to a Private View OF THEMSELVES BEFORE DEPAETING FOE THAT GOEGEOUS ENTERTAINMENT. If ANYBODY HAD SUGGESTED TO Me. BeOWN, BEFORE THIS, THAT HIS BEONZED AND MANLY CHEEK might be impeoved by the "least little ' soupfon' of rouge," he would have flouted the idea with scorn. yet herb he is, not only submitting to this Desecration (fkom the lily-white Fingees of a fair Neighbour), but actually enjoying the Process ! SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH. m DIFFERENT EFFECTS OF SHYNESS. 1884' (It makes Danvcrs assent to opposite propositions, and thereby pass for a person of undecided views.) Miss Oriana. " Don't you hate the Sea-side, Me. Danvees, with its glaee and noise, and Niggees, and geneeal Vulgarity?" Danvers (fervently). "Oh, d-d-d-don't I, that's all!" Miss Lilian. " What, hate the Sea-side, Mr. Danvers ! — with the Feesh Aie and Blue Waves, and the delightful Lounge after Bathing, and the Lawn-Tennis and the Cindeeella Dances ! 1 doat on it, and I should have thought rou did too!" Danvers (still more fervently). " Oh— I — I — I should think I did!" THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. (A Winter Health Resort. ) Enthusiastic Lady Visitor. "What a de lightful place this is, Pkofessoe. And the Baths, how perfect ! i could bathe all day — couldn't you?" The Professor. "Well, you see, I'm a resi dent, AND THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE 1" Lady Visitor. " Ah 1 TO BE SURE. I SUPPOSE YOU NEVER EVEN T1INK OF TAKING A BATH ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. 1888- 238 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," EFFECT OF EPISCOPAL INFLUENCE. 1881. It's all veey well to become a Radical and an Atheist, and all that ; but a Bishop's a Bishop ! So at least poor Todeson finds out, when the Bishop of Clapham (whom he once met at a Gaeden Paety, long ago) takes him for somebody else, and favours him with a gracious wave of the Hand — thereby reclaiming him back to the bosom of the Established Church, SUBTLETIES OF BRITISH SNOBBISHNESS. how is it that neithee Jones nor Robinson (who are usually so polite)rush to pick up and restore to its rightful owner the Pocket-handker chief which the Lady in the foreground has just accidentally dkopped? Simply be cause the Lady in the foeeground happens to be no less a person than the Duchess of pentonville — as both Jones and Robinson are aware— and each is afraid of appear ing, in the other's eyes, a Toady of the Aristocracy! 8UBTLETIES OF BRITISH SNOBBISHNESS, 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 239 THE DEAD SEASON. 1887. (Showing how to be "In it " is to be " Out of it.") Snobbington: . "Town seems more deserted than evee, don't it, Miss Masham?" Miss Masham. "Quite. I've been up to the Top and back again Five times — theee's positively not a Soul in the Row!' HAPPY THOUGHT.-A VOCATION 1 Eva. "I suppose those exteemely nice-looking Young Men aee the Students, or House-Surgeons, or something?' Maud. "No doubt. Do you know, Eva, I feel I should veey much like to be a Hospital-Nuese !" Eva. "How steange ! Why the veey same Idea has just occueeed to Me ! " 240 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;' THE RULING PASSION. Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere. " Ah ! Good Morning, Mes. Jones ! Deeadful Accident just oc cueeed. Poor Young Lady eiding along the King's Road- Horse took Feight — Reaeed, and Fell Back upon hee — Deeadfully Injueed, >/i I'm Soeey to Say ! " Mrs. Woodhee Swell- ington Jones. " Quite too Shocking, dear Sie Talbot ! Was she — er — a Person of Position ? " Sir Talbot Howard Vere de Vere. "POSI TION, by Geoege ! ! DOOCED UNCOMFOET- able Position, too, I should Say' ! " THE RULING PASSION. 1872. THE RULING PASSION. 1872. Cook (condescendingly). " Please, 'M, if you ain't Suited, I've Changed my Mind, and would rather Stop I " MisSUS. "0, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU OBJECTED TO THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, COOK ? " Cook. "Yes, 'M, so I did; but the Milkman, he Tell me this Morning as 'ow once Kerridge People 'ad used to Live in this very Street." DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 241 SOCIAL BEINGS Weaeied by London Dissipation, the Maejoeibanks Beowns go, for the sake of perfect Quiet, to that Picturesque little Watering-Place, Sheimpington-super-Mare, wheee they teust that they will not meet a single Soul they know. Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same Spot with the same Puepose. Now, these Joneses and Beowns coedially detest each othee in London, and are not even on speaking terms, yet SUCH IS THE DEPRESSING EFFECT OF "PEEFECT QUIET " THAT, AS SOON AS THEY MEET AT SHEIMPINGTON-SUPER-MARE, THEY RUSH INTO EACH OTHER'S AeMS WITH A WILD SENSE OF RELIEF ! THE IMPORTANCE OF EXTERNALS. < < yBS ""—(thought Miss Pinkerton, as she gazed at Laura, sketching)—"! don't know how oe why it should be so, bit a Pince-nez IS MORE BECOMING THAN SPECTACLES ; AND I WILL GET ONE MYSELF." 8—1 I 242 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH," THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID 1887. "Well, but if you can't beae hee, whatevee made you Peopose?" "Well, we had danced Three Dances, and I couldn't think of ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY ! " THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID. She. "We expected you to Dinner last night, Heee Peofessoe. We waited Half an houe foe you. I hope it was not Illness that PEEVENTED YOU FROM COMING?" He. "Ach, no! I vas not Hongry!" TU QUOQUE. Army Candidate. " and i only muffed one thing in the Geography Paper. Couldn't for the life of me think where THE STEAITS OF MaCAS- SAE WEEE ! " Fond Father. "Oh, I SAY, YOU OUGHT TO HAVE KNOWN THAT. FANCY — THE STEAITS OF MACAS- SAE ! " Army Candidate. " Well, I didn't, any how. By the way wheee are thf.t, Dad ? " Fond Father. "Oh — WHERE AEE THEY ? On — ee— they're — well, they'ee But don't you think we'd bettee go to Lunch ? " TU QUOQUE. 1883. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 24: COMMUTATION. 1885. I'M SOEEY NOT TO SEE YOU OFTENER AT The Curate (nervously). Church, Sie Gorgius!" Sir Gorgius. "Oh — ah — yes! My old Henemy, the Gout, yee know. But if the Funds aee dickey, shall be veey 'appy to send you a Cheque ! " The Curate. "Oh, thank you, Sie Gorgius! That'll do just as well ! " Q. E. D. 1885. Professor McPhairrson. " No, Mes. Beown, it's not that we Scotch aee dull ; but you english see a joke in anything ! why, the othee day i was in a eoom with four englishmen, one of whom told a stoey, and, would y'ou believe it, i was the only man that didn't Laugh ! " DISTINGUISHED PROFESSIONALS.— THE PHYSICIANS. The Major (who takes an intelligent inlereslin Science). " i sometimes feel — a — almost half inclined to — ee — suspect that j°os- sibly — the Disease you mention may — ee — may, undee certain ciecum- stances, not be abso lutely non-infectious — at least, i " Sir Rupert Pillington (M.D., F.R.S., &c). "The self-confidence of these Amateues ! Eh, Sir Mal colm? Why, I've given my whole Life to the Question ! — and I pro nounce THAT IT IS NOT Infectious ! " Sir Malcolm M'Cure (ditto, ditto). "Well! It's A MATTER TO WHICH I HAVE DEVOTED MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE — AND I EM PHATICALLY DECLAEE IT is!" [The Major gets quite un settled in his convictions on the subject. DISTINGUISHED PROFESSIONALS.— THE PHYSICIANS. 244 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH;- DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.— THE MUSICAL DUCHESS. Behold hee Grace rehearsing foe an Afternoon Concert at Mrs. Ponsonby de tomkyns's, before an appreciative au dience, which consists of the Host and Hostess, and a few Professionals who have been retained TO PLAY HER Gl'.ACF.'s Obligato Accompani ments. Her Geace always sings hee own woeds.set to hke own Music. Hee Composi tions ARE ENDLESS ; AND WHEN ONCE SHE BEGINS, SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO LEAVE OFF IN A HURRY'. THE WORST of it is, hee Grace's Music invariably deives all the othee Duchesses aw ay— only Mrs. P. de T. is not YET AWARE OF THIS. DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.— THE MUSICAL DUCHESS. 1881. HOW TO EFFECT A GOOD RIDDANCE. (Scene — Royal Academy Private View.) Boreham Jones, Esq., M.P. "Ah, how d'ye do, Mrs. Tomkyns ? So GLAD TO MEET YOU — A— I " Mrs. Ponsonhy de Tom kyns (who thinks Mr. Boreham Jones all very well, but doesn't want Mm just as site's talking to the Duke of Wimble don). "Oh, hear Mr. Jones ! Haveyov seen Me. Sopely's Picture? It's in Room No. 10. Do look at it, and TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF IT ! " [Exit Boreham Jones, much flattered, to perform Mrs. Tom- kyns's commission. Exeunt also Mrs. Tomkyns and his Grace, in the opposite direction. HOW TO EFFECT A GOOD RIDDANCE, 1882. DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 245 IN POSSESSION. Lady (who wants to sit dmcn). "Will you sit in my Lap, Daeling'" Darlina. "Sank you— I've dot a Chaie !" 1876. FANCY BALLS AGAIN. (Scene and Time — An inaccessible North London Suburb, 3'20 \.M.) Tomkyns (whose destination is Clapham). "Are you quite sure it's not come, Policeman? It was to have been here at Half-past One!" Policeman. "Quite sure, Sir! I've been down the Rank Four Timi.s !" Tomkyns. "Well, you must get us a Cab!" Policeman. "Cab, Sie! There ain't no Cabs heee!" [Delight of Tomkyns, his Wife, and his tiro Friends at the prospect of a long ualk through London in their present attire I SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH." 247 THE WANING OF THE HONEYMOON. 1878. Angelina (suppressing an inclination to yawn). "How nice it would be if some Friend were to turn up; wouldn't it, Edwin?' Edwin (after yawning elaborately). " Ye-e-es !— or even some Enemy ! " NEW IDEAS. "The fact is, Sie rogee, i don't ap PROVE of Foxhunting ; at least, not foe men. i think it an un manly' kind of spokt ! " " tj n-man-ly '." "Well, yes, you know. Women can Hunt. I have, lots of times ; and have alway's been in at the Death, I'm ashamed TO SAY ! " " Then what on eakth do you con- sidee Manly?" " Well— Bicycling. Women can't do that, you know, not even with Divided Skirts!" NEW IDEAS. 1883. 248 SOCIETY PICTURES FROM "PUNCH; THE HIGHER EDUCATION OF WOMEN. 1877. Jones. "Did you see the Stae-Showee the othee Night, Miss Jessica?" Miss Jessica (with a rapid but comprehensive survey of the Heavens). "No. But it couldn't have been much, foe there aee no Stars missing ! " HASTY GENERALISATION. 1882. Reyinald (to his new friend tlie Village Blacksmith). " Theee's Aunt Ellen, Williams. Let's ceoss over. She'll Kiss us, you know. She always does ! " A POSER. 1884. Molly. "Oh, what a deae little Boy !" Gi-andpapa. "That was Me, when I was your age, Molly!' Molly. "And who is it now, Grandpapa?" DRAWN BY GEORGE DU MAURIER. 249 THE PENNY READING. Distinguished Amateur Vocalist (both Serious and Comic). " I can't say you have a very appreciative Public up here ! NEVEE SANG ' ViLIKINS AND HIS DlNAIl' BETTER— BUT NOBODY LAUGHED A BIT ! ' Horrid Boy. "Oh, but they did when you sang 'The Death of Nelson.' I saw them!" 1878- FEMALE CLUBS 1. MATRIMONY. "Send your Horse Home, and stop and Dine here with me, Julia ! I've asked Teixy Rattlecash and Emily Miss Firchrace Sheppard." Mrs. Bolingbroke Tompkins, nie Julia Wildrake (with a sigh of regret for the freedom of Spinstcrlwod and the charms^ dear Girl ! My sainted old Fathee-in-Law's jvst