Yale University Library

39002008785868

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ILKIBIg^I^T

13

HUD IB EAS

BY

SAMUEL BUTLER

WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY
LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT
UNIVERSITY COLLECn, I.ONnnN

LONDON
GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS
BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL
NEW YORK; 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE
1885

12

MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY.

VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED.
SHERIDAN'S PLAYS.
PLA YS FROM MOLIBRE. By English Dramatists.
MARLO WES FA USTUS b' GOETHE'S FA UST.
CHRONICLE OF THE CID.
RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC
DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL.
THE PRINCE. By Machiavelli.
BACON'S ESSAYS.
DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLA GUE YEAR.
LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT if FILMER'S
" PATRIARCHA."
SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGV and WITCHCRAFT.
DRYDEN'S VIRGIL.
BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION.
HERRICK' S HESPERIDES.
COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK.
BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON.
STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY.
CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD.
MEDIEVAL TALES.
VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE if JOHNSONS
RASSELAS.
PL.4YS and POEMS by BEN JONS OX.
LEVIATHAN. By THOMAS HOBBES.
HUD/BRAS. By Samuel Bctler.
"Marvels of clear t}'pe and general neatness."
Dai/}' Telrgmflt.

INTRODUCTION.

Samuel Butler was born in February, 1612, and was
baptized on the 8th of February, according to the parish
registers kept by his father, who rented a farm in Worcester
shire, in the parish of Strensham. Samuel, named after his
father, was the fifth child in a family of seven. -He was
educated in the Worcester College School, and passed from
school, probably after some training in an attorney's office, into
employment as clerk to a Justice of the Peace, Mr. Thomas
Jefferies, of Earl's' Croome, near Strensham. Butler's genius
gave him already the tastes of an artist and a scholar. He
made pictures, and he compiled for himself, as aid to his
private studies, a French dictionary, and an abridgment,
in Law French, of Coke upon Littleton. From the service
of Mr. Jefferies, Butler passed into that of the Earl of Kent,
at Wrest, in Bedfordshire.
Henry Lord Grey de Ruthin, in 1625, succeeded his
brother in the Earldom of Kent. The estates of his earldom
were en tangled, among lawsuits that raised questions of title,
and gave large employment to Selden's powers of research.
The Earl had wisely chosen in John Selden the one man in
all England who was best able to help him. Selden was
much at Wrest; and Butler was probably engaged to live:
at Wrest as a quick-witted clerk employed under Selden's
direction. Anthony k Wood says that Butler often wrote
letters beyond sea for Selden, and translated for him. It was
education to work under so true a scholar, and there was a
large library at Wrest from which Butler could gather some
part of that store of knowledge, wittily applied, which gives
strength to his satire.
Good service at Wrest probably was Butler's recommen
dation, when he had finished his work there, to another

vi INTRODUCTION.
house in Bedfordshire, that of Sir Samuel Luke at Copie
Hoo Farm, three miles from Bedford. Sir Samuel Luke
was a strict Presbyterian, who served afterwards as colonel
in the army of the Parliament.
" Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling,
And out lie rode a colonelling."
There is no doubt that young Butler's observations of the
sayings and doings of Sir Samuel and his friends provided
matter for his poem. Indeed, he tells us, by the rhyme that
helps us to fill up a blank, that Sir Samuel Luke was the man
whom he had most in mind as model for his Hudibras :
" 'Tis sung, there is a valiant Mameluke
In foreign lands, yclept 
To whom we have been oft compared
For person, part^, address and beard."
During the Civil War we know only that, in whatever
way Butler was earning his bread, he was working at the
first part of his poem; and then, and inthe Commonwealth
time, turning over in his mind many a couplet stored for
future use. His remains show that as thoughts struck him
he arranged them into complete form and kept note of
them. It is not until immediately after the Restoration that we
again learn how Butler was earning his bread. He is still
found in the old calling, taking office as steward or secretary
to the Earl of Carbery, Lord President of the West, at
Ludlow Castle. It is the same Earl of Carbery, who , during
the Commonwealth, had been, at Golden Grove by the
Towey, patron and friend to Jeremy Taylor.
About this time Samuel Butler married a lady named
Herbert, who at one time had properly, and lost it, by
investment in unsafe securities, either before or soon after
her marriage.
Not long after Butler's marriage there appeared a little
pocket volume, of 125 pages, in i6mo, measuring less than
six inches by four, entitled " Hudibras. The First Part.
Written in the time of the late Wars," with a pair of wood
cuts, side by side, representing the rose and the thistle, each
bearing a crown. The " Imprimatur" is dated November 1 1,
1662, and 1663 is the date on the title-page; but there

INTRODUCTION. [< vii,
is no publisher's or printer's name. This first issue of
" Hudibras "~was an unauthorized edition that anticipated
Butler's own. In ^& Public Intelligencer, of December 23,
i6(')2, the following advertisement was inserted ; " There is
stolen abroad a most false, imperfect copy of a poem,
called ' Hudibras,' without name either of printer or book
seller, as fit for so lame and spurious an impression. The
true and perfect edition, printed by the author's original, is
sold by Richard Rfarriot, under St. Dunstan's church, in
Fleet Street." Butler's own edition came out, in small Svo,
in 1663 ; but side by side with it reappeared the little
piracy, page for page set like the first, but a reprhit, with
-some corrections of the text, and without the rose and
-thistle on the title-page. Thus the first part of Butler's
poem was anticipated by a thief, actively undersold, and
much of his fair profit from it intercepted.
The thief seems to have gone on to forgery, for uniforra
with the spurious editions there next apf)eared in 1663,
before Butler himself was ready with his second part, a con
temptible fabrication inscribed on its title-page " Hudibras.
The Second Part, with the continuation of the Third Canto ;
to which is added a Fourth Canto. By the Same Author.
Published to undeceive the Nation." Butler's own Second
Part appeared in 1664.
The I>.ing and Court delighted in the hits at their
opponents. The King carried the new book about in his
pocket, probably the thief's edition, which came first and,
was yery portable. But for the author, Charles the Second!
Cared nothing arid did nothing. Butler was essentially a
scholar, quiet, studious, and his wit had wisdom in it that
reached far beyond the range of party warfare. He -was no
companion for dissolute men whom he could see through ;
and they had no desire for his companionship. Discouraged
by neglect, Butler let fourteen years slip by before he
produced, in 1678, the Third Part of Hudibras, and two
years after this he died, poor and neglected, on September 25,
1680. The addition to the title of the First Part of Hudibras,
that it was written in the time of the late Wars, is justified
by internal evidence. Some portions of it certainly were
written in the years 1643-5, though there must have been
final revision with interpolations after x 660.

viii INTROD UC TION.
If Butler ha4 compJetedL" Hudibras " there would have
been few insincerities of life' untouched by' its satire.
Richard Baxter was a Presbyterian ; John Milfoii was an
J^ndependent ; Jeremy Taylor was a Churchman. Honour
be to each. Yet every good cause has its Hudibras.
Butler wrote, no doubt, as a partisan, but hiS-Bzhole^war
was against h^^ocrisy. Against that in every form he waged
his war, though piitting into the central place what he
regarded as the worst hypocrisy of all. But he aimed also
his shafts of wit against false show of courage ; pedantry of
learning ; the false conventions of love poetry ; the world-
liness of love; pretensions of false science; delusive aids of
law. Had he completed the bopk, he would have left few
of the shams of life untouched. To the weak side of Law
and Divinity he would, no doubt, have aTkied the weak side
of Physic, when time came for summoning the Doctor to
despatch his knight. An attentive reader of " Hudibras "
will not be more impressed by its wit, than by the breadth
of its plan. Good-humour gives force to its satire, and good
feeling restricts it to attack upon that which Fielding justly
declared to T)e the only fit object of satire — affectation,
hypocrisy, whatever in any way professes to be other than
it^is. The name of his hero Butler evidently took from the,
fparamour of the scowling Elissa in the sec6nd canto of the
'second book of Spenser's "Faerie Queene" : —
" Sir Hudibras, an hardy man,
Vet not 5Q_gppd.of deeds as great of name,
Which he by many rash adventures wan,
Since errant arms to sue he first began,
More Jiuge ill strength than wise in works he was,
And reason with fool hardise overran ;
Stem Melancholy did his courage pass
And was, for terror more, all armed in shining Brass."
H. M.
February, 1885.

HUDI

BRAS.

PART I.— CANTO I.
THE ARGUMENT.
Sir Hudibras his passing worth,
The manner how he sallied forth';
His arms and equipage are shown ;
His horse's virtues, and his own.
Th' adventure of the bear and fiddle
Is sung, but breaks off in the middle.
WHENjcivil fury first grew high,
And Jnenjyijgijuti^ they knew,not why ;
When hard words jealousies, and fearS,
Set folks together by the ears, •
And made them fight, like mad or drunk.
For Dame Religion, as for punk ;
Whose honesty they all durst swear for,
Though not'a man of them knew wherefore ;
When Gospel-Trumpeter, surrounded
With long- eared rout, to battle sounded.
And pulpit, dram ecclesiastic,
Was beat with fist, instead of a stick ;
Then did Sir Knight abandon dwelling.
And out Kje, rode' ^ colonelling.
~"' A wight he was, whose very sight would
Entitle him Mirror of Knighthood ;
That n^ver bent his stubborn knee
To any thing but Chivalry ;
Nor put up blow, but that which laid
Right worshipful on shoulder-blade :

10 HUDIBRAS. [part
Chief of domestic knights and errant,
Either for cartel or for warrant ;
Great on the bench, great in the saddle,
That could as well bind o'er, as swaddle
Mighty he was at both of these.
And styled of war, as well as peace.
Sf) sp^]g fatiTT of amphibious nature,
Are either for the land or water.
But here our authors make a doubt
Whether he were more wise, or stout :
Some hold the one, and some the other
But howsoe'er they make a pother,
The difference was so small, his train
Outweighejihis rage but half a grain ;
Which made some take him for a tool
That knaves do work with, called a fool
"por 't has been held by many, that
'As Montaigne, playing with his cat,
¦Complains she thought him but an ass, "
¦Much more she would Sir Hudibras ;
For that's the name our valiant knight
To all his challenges did write.
ffiut they're mistaken very much,
JTis plain enough he was not such ;
jVVe .grant, although he had rauch wit,
*!' was very shy of using it ;
As being loth to wear it out.
And therefore bore it not about,
Unless on holy-days, or so.
As men their best apparel do.
Beside, 'tis known he could speak Greek
As naturally ,a5Jlifi^ squeak; ' —
That Latin was no more difficile,
jri^an to a blackbird 'tis to whistle :
"Being rich in both, he never scanted
His bounty unto such as wanted ;
But much of either would afford
To many, that had not one word.
For Hgbrew roots, although they're found
To flourish most in barren ground,
He had such plenty, as sufficed
To make some think him circumcised ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. II
And truly, so, perhaps, he was,
'Tis many a pious Christian's case.
He..S^s in logic a great critic, ,
Profoundly skilled in analytic ;
He could distinguish, and divide
A hair 'twixt south, and south-west side ;
On either which he would dispute.
Confute, change hands, and still confute ;
He'd undertake to prove, by.jflicfc.
JOtajgunienLa.""man's~nb horse ;
^ffeflproveaBuzzard is no fowl.
And that a lord may be an owl,
A calf an alderman, a goose a justice, _
And rooks CommitteeTmen and Trustees.
He'd fun in debt by disputation,
And pay with ratiocination.
AlljJiis.bji-s}4log-is.t%-true, In mood and figure, he would do.
For rhetoric, he could not ope
His mouth, but out there flew a trope ; .^
And when he happened to break off
I' th' middle of his speech, or cough,
H' had hard words ready to "show why,
AiidJ.ell. what rules he did it by;
Else, when with greatest art he spoke,
You'd think he talked like other folk.
:jFor all a rhetorician's rules_
/Teach nothing but to name his tools.
( But, when he pleased to show't, his speech
In loftiness of sound was rich ;
A Babylonish dialect,
Which leambd pedants much affect.
ilt was a parti-j;oloured dress ~ "— - '
Qf patched and piebald languages ;
I 'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,
' Like fustian heretofore on satin ;
It had an old promiscuous tone
As if h' had talked three parts in one ;
"Which made some think, when Xn did gabble^
Th' had heard three labourers of Babel';
Ox Cerberus himself pronounce
'jA leash of languages at once.

12 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
This he as volubly would vent
As if his stock would ne'er be spent :
And truly, to support that charge,
He had supplies as vast and large ;
For he could coin, or counterfeit
New words, with little or no wit ;
Words so debased and hard, no stone
Was hard enough to touch them on ;
And when with hasty noise he spoke 'em ;
The ignorant for current took 'em ;
That had the orator, who once
Did fill his mouth with pebble stones
When he harangued, but known his phrase,
He would have used no other ways.
In mathematics he was greater
Than Tycho Brahe, or Erra Pater :
For he, by geometric scale,
Could take the size of pots of ale ;
Resolve, by sines and tangents straight,
If bread or butter wanted weight ; ^
And wisely tell what hour o' th' day
<rhe clock does strike, by Algebra.
Beside, he was a shrewd pliilosopher.
And had read ev'ry text and gloss over ;
Whate'er the crabbed'st author hath.
He understood b' implicit faith :
Whatever sceptic could inquire for,
For ev'ry why he had a wherefore ;
Knew more than forty of them do,
As far as words and terms could go.
All which he understood by rote,
And, as occasion served, would quote ;
No raatter whether right or wrong.
They might be either said or sung.
His notions fitted things so well,
That which was which he could not tell ;
But oftentimes mistook the one
For th' other, as great clerks have done.
He could reduce all things to acts.
And knew their natures by abstracts ;
Where entity and quiddity,
The ghost of defunct bodies fly ;

GANto-l] HUDIBRAS.
Where truth in person does appear.
Like words congealed in riorthern air.
He-k-new^hat's what, and that's as higli
As metaphysic wit can fly..
In school-divinity as able
As he that hight Irrefragable ;
A second Thomas, or, at once
To name them all, another Duns ;
Profound in all the Nominal
And Real ways, beyonci them all :
And, with as delicate a hand,
Could twist as tough a rope, of sand ;
And w^eave fine coJawebs; fit for skull
That's empty when the moon is full ;
Such as take lodgings in a head-
That's to be let unfurnished.
He could raise scruples dark and nice,
Arid after solve 'em in a trice ;
As^if Divinity had. catched'
The itch, on purpose to be scr§J;£hed ;
Or, li^ a mountebank, did wound
And stab herself with doubts profound,
Only to show with how small pain
The sores of Faith are cured again;
Although by woful proof we find.
They always leave a scar behind.
He knew the seat of Paradise,
Could tell in what degree it lies ;
And, as he was disposed, could prove it,
Below the moon, or else above it :
What Adam dreamt bf, when his bride
Came from her closet in his side : ,
Whether the devil tempted her
By an High Dutch interpreter ;
If either of them had a navel :
Who first made music malleable :
Whether the serpent, at the fall.
Had cloven feet, or none at all.
AU this, without a gloss, or commeut,^
He could unriddle in a moment.
In proper terms, such as men smatter
WhenHiey'thro w out, and miss the matter.

13

HUDIBRAS. [PART I.
For his Religion, it was fit
To match his learning and his wit ;
'Twas Presbyterian, true blue ;
Fiar he was of that.stubbor» crew
Of errant, saints, whom all men grant
To .bfi-the, true Church Militant ;
Such as do build their faithupon
The holy, text of pike and gun ;
Decide all controversies by
Infallible aitilki^ ;
AmLjirove their doctrine orthodox
By apostolic blows, arid knggjcs ;
Call fire, and sword, and desolation,
A godly, thorough Reformation,
Which always must be carried on,
And still be doing, never done ;
As if Religion were intended
For nothing else but to be mended.
A sect, whose chief devotion lies
In odd pierverse antipatliies ;
IjaiaUing^Qut.with that or tliis,
And finding somewhat still amiss ;
More peevish, cross, a.nd splenetic.
Than dog distract or monkey sick.
That wim more care keep holy -day
The wrong, than others the right way ;
Compound for sins they are inclined to.
By damning those they have no mind to :
JStill so perverse and opposite,
»As if they worshipped God for spite.
The self- same thing they will abhor
One way, and long another for.
Free-will they one way disavow,
jAnother, nothing else aliowr
fAlljiiety consists therein
Li.lii.ero, in other men all sin.
Rather than fail, they will defy
That which they love most tenderly ,
Quarrel with minced-pies, and disparage
Their best and dearest friend — plum-porridge ;
Fat pig and goose itself oppose,
And blaspheme custard through the nose.

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. ' 15
Th' apostles of this fierce rehgion.
Like Mahomet's, were agg and widgeon,
To whom our knight, by fast instinct
- Of wit and temper, was so linked,'
As if hypocrisy and nonsense
Sad-got the advowson ,of his conscience.
Thus was he gifted and accoutered.
We mean on th' inside, not the outward :
That next of all we shall discuss ;
Then listen, Sirs, it follows thus :
His tawny beard was th' equal grace
Both of his wisdom and his face ;
In cut and die so like a. tile,
A sudden view it would beguile ;
The u£perj)art whereof jwas^ whey,
The nemeFofange, niixed with grey.
'This hairy Ineteor'aid denounce
The fall of sceptres and of crowns ;
With grisly type did represent
, Declining age of government,
And tell, with hieroglyphic spade,
Its own grave and the state's were made.
Like Samson's heart-breakers, it grew
In time to make a nation rue ;
Though it contributed its own fall,
^ To wait upon the public downfall :
It was canonic, and did grow
In holy orders by strict vow;
Of rule as sullen and severe
As that of rigid Cordeliere :
'Twas' bound to suffer persecution
And martyrdom with resolution ;
T' oppose itself against the hate
And vengeance of th' incensed state,
In whose defiance it was worn.
Still ready tcTbe pulled and torn.
With fed-hot irons to be tortured.
Reviled, and spit upon, and martyred :
Maugre all which, 'twas to stand fast,
As long as monarchy should last ;
But when the state should hap to reel,
'Twas to submit to fatal steel,

1 6 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
And fall, as it was consecrate,
A sacrifice to fall of state.
Whose thread of life the fatal sisters
Did twist together with its whiskers,
And twine so close, that time should never.
In life or death, their fortunes sever ;
But with his rusty sickle mow
Both down together at a blow.
So learned Taliacotius, from
The brawny part of porter's bum,
Cut supplemental noses, which
Would last as long as parent breech :
But when the date of Nock was out,
Off dropped the sympathetic snout.
His back, or rather burthen, showed
As if it stooped with its own load :
For as .^Eneas bore his sire
Upon his shoulders through the fire,
Our knight did liear, nojigss a^pack
Of his own buttocks^jijys ^ck ;
WKiciT nowTia3 almost got the upper-
Hand of his head, for want of crupper.
To poise this equally, he bore
A mun£h "of the same bulk before.
Which still he had a special care
To keep well-crammed with thrifty fare ;
As white-pot, butter-milk, and curds.
Such as a country-houseaffbrds ;
^^'ith other victual, which anon
We farther shall dilate upon,
When of his hose we come to treat,
The cupboard where he kept his meat.
His doublet was of sturdy buff,
And though not sword, yet cudgel-proof.
Whereby 'twas fitter for his use,
AVho feared no blows but such as bruise.
His breeches was of rugged woollen,
And had been at the siege of Bullen ;
To old King Harry so well known,
Some writers held the\' were his own.
Through they were'lined with many a piece
Of ammunition bread and cheese,

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 17
And fat black-puddings, proper food-
For warriors that delight in blood :
For, as we said, he always chose
To carry victual in his hose,
That ofteij tempted rats~and mice
TK?ariimunition to surpfTse;
And when he put a hand but in
The one or t' other magazine,
They stoutly on defence on't stood.
And from the wounded foe drew blood ;
And till th' were stormed and beaten out,
Ne!er left the fortified redoubt ;
And though knights errant, as some think.
Of old did neither eat nor drink.
Because when thorough deserts vast,
And regions desolate, they passed
Where belly- timber above ground, .
Or under, was not to be found,
Unless they grazed, there's not one word
Of their provision on record ;
Which made some confidently write, ~
They had no stomachs but to fight.
'Tis false ; for Arthur wore in hall .
Round table like a farthingale.
On which, with shirt pulled out behind.
And eke before, his good knights dined.
Though 'twas rio table some suppose
But a hugh pair of round trunk hose,
In which he carried as much meat.
As he and all the kni.ghts could eat, ,
When laying by their swords and truncheons,
, They took their breakfasts, or their nuncheons.
But let that pass at present, lest
"We should forget where we digressed ;
As learnfed authors use, to whom
We leave it, and to th' purpose come.
His puissant sword unto his side,
Near his undaunted heart, was tied.
With basket-hilt, that would hold broth,
- And serve for fight and dinner both.
In it he melted lead for bullets,
To shoot at foes, and sometimes pullets;

1 8 HUDIBRAS. {part
To whom he bore so fell a.grutch,
He ne'er gave quarter t' any such.
The trenchant blade. Toledo trusty.
For want oflighting was grown ruaty,
And ate into itself, for lack
Of some body to hew and hack.
The peaceful scabbard where it dwelt,
The rancour of its edge had felt ;
For of the lower end two handful
It had devoured, 'twas so manful.
And so much scorned to lurk in case,
As if it durst not show its face.
In many desperate attempts,
Of warrants, exigents, contempts.
It had appeared with courage bolder
Than Sergeant Bum invading shoulder ;
Oft had it ta'en possession.
And prisoners too, or made them run.
This sword a dagger had, his page,
That was but little for his age :
And therefore waited on him so.
As dwarfs upon knights errant do.
It was a serviceable dudgeon.
Either for fighting or for drudging :
^Vhen it had stabbed, or broke a head,
rit would scrape trenchers, or chip bread,
1 Toast cheese or bacon, though it were
To bait a mouse-trap, 'twould not care :
Tvv'ould make clean shoes, and in the earth
Set leeks and onions, and so forth :
It had been 'prentice to a brewer,
AVhere this, and more, it did endure;
But left the trade, as many more
Have lately done, on the same score.
In th' holsters, at his saddle-bow.
Two aged patois he did stow,
Among the surplus of such meat
As in his hose he could not get.
These would inveigle rate with th' scent.
To forage when the cbc^ were bent ;
And sometimes catch 'em with a snap.
As cleverly as th' ablest trap.

GANTO I,] HUDIBRAS. 19
They were upon hard duty still,
And ev'ry night stood sentinel.
To guard the magazine i' th' hose.
From two-legged, and from four-legged foes.
, Thus clad and fortified. Sir Knight,
From peaceful home, set forth to figlit.
But-first, with nimble active force,
He got on th' outside of his horse :
For having but one stirrup tied
T' his saddle on the further side.
It was so short, h' had much ado
To reach it with his -desperate toe.
But after many strains and heaves.
He got up to the saddle-eaves.
From whence he vaulted into th' seat.
With so much vigour, strength, and heat.
That he had almost tumbled over
With his own weight, but did recover,
By laying hold on tail and mane,
Which oft he used instead of rein.
But now we talk of mounting steed.
Before we further do proceed,
It doth behove us to say something
Of that which bore our valiant bumpkin.
The beast Was sturdy, large, and tall,
With mouth of meal, and eyes of wall ;
I would say e^e,.forJi^had buJLone,
As most agree, though some say none.
He was well stayed, and in his gait,
Preserved a grave, majestic state ;
At spur or switch no more he skipped,
Or mended pace, than Spaniard whipped :
And yet so fiery, he would bound
As if he grieved to touch the ground ;
That Cassar's horSe, who, as fame goes,
Had corns upon his feet and toes,
Was not by half so tender-hoofed,
Nor trod upon the ground so soft ;
And as that beast would kneel and stoop,
Some write, to fake his rider iip.
So Hudibras his, 'tis well-known.
Would often do, to set hira down.

20 HUDIBRAS. [part i
We shall not need to say what lack
Of leather was upon his back ;
For that was hidden under pad,
And breech of knight galled full as bad.
His strutting ribs on both sides showed
Like furrows he himself had ploughed ;
For underneath the skirt of pannel,
'Twixt ev'ry two there was a channeL
His draggling tail hung in the dirt,
Which on his rider he would flurt.
Still as his tender side he pricked.
With armed heel, or with unarmed, kicked;
For Hudibras wore but one spur.
As wisely knowing, could he stir
To active trot one side of 's horse.
The other would not stay his course.
.' A Squire he had, whose name was Ralph,
'-That in th' adventure went his half.
'i Though writers, for more stately -tone,
I Do call him Ralpho, 'tis all one;
I And when we can, with metre safe,
! We'll call him so, if not, plain Ralph ;
iFgr rhyme the rudder is of verses,
^^With which, like ships, they steer their courses.
An equal stock of wit and valour
He had laid in ; by birth a tailor ;
The mighty Tyrian queen that gained.
With subtle shreds, a tract of land,
Did leave it, with a castle fair.
To his great ancestor, her heir ;
From him descended cross-legged knights,
Famed for their faith and warlike fights
Against the bloody Cannibal,
Whom they destroyed both great and small.
This sturdy Squire had, as well
As the bold Trojan knight, seen hell.
Not with a counterfeited pass
Of golden bough, but true gold-lace.
IHis knowledge was not far behind
The knight's, but of another kind.
And he another way came by 't ;
Some call it Gifts, and some Newjight;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 21
VA liberal art that costs no pains
[Of study, industry, or brains. -
His wits were sent him for a token.
But in the carriage cracked and broken ;
Like coramendation nine-pence crooked
, With — To and frora my love — it looked.
He ne'er considered it, as loth ,
To look a gift-horse in the raouth ; "
And very wisely would lay forth
No raore upon it than 'twas worth ;
'But as he got it freely, so
He spent it frank and freely too :
For saints themselves will soraetiraes be,
Of gifts that cost thera nothing, free.
By raeans of this, with hera and cough,
Prolongers to enlighten snuff,
He could deep raysteries unriddle,
As easily as thread a needle :
For as of vagabonds we say,
' That they are ne'er beside their way :
iVhate'er men speak by this new light,
jtill they are sure to be i' th'""right.
r Tis a dark-lantern of the spirit,
I Which none can see but those that bear it ;
A. light tl^at falls down from on high,
iFor spiritual trades to cozen by ;
An ignis fatuus, that bewitches,
And leads men into pools and ditches.
To make them dip theraselves, and sound
For Christendom in dirty pond ;
To dive, like wild-fowl, for salvation.
And fish to catch regeneration.
This light inspires, and plays upon
The nose of saint, like bag-pipe drone,
And speaks, through hollow empty soul,
1 As through a trunk, or whispering hole,
Such language as no mortal ear
But spirit'al eaves-dropper can hear.
So Phoebus, or sorae friendly rause,
Into sraall poets song infuse ;
, Which they at second-hand rehearse,
Through reed or bagpipe, verse for verse.

HUDIBRAS. [PART I.
Thus Ralph becarae infallible.
As three or four-legged oracle.
The ancient cup, or raodern chair ;
Spoke truth point-blank, though unaware.
For raystic learning wondrous able
In magic, taHsman, and cabal.
Whose priraitive tradition reaches
As far as Adam's first green breeches ;
Deep-sighted in intelligences.
Ideas, atoms, influences.
And much of Terra Incognita,
Th' intelligible world, could say ;
A deep occult philosopher.
As learned as the wild Irish are.
Or Sir Agrippa, for profound
And solid lying much renowned :
He Anthroposophus, and Floud,
And Jacob Behmen, understood ;
Knew many an amulet and charm,
That wojild^o neither good nor harm ;
In SQsicruciari>lore as learned.
As he ihai'Fere adeptus earned :
He understood the speech of birds
As well as they themselves do words ;
Could tell what subtlest parrots mean.
That speak and think r¦.ontr^ry clean ;
AVhat member 'tis of whom they talk,
When they cry, ' Rope,' and ' Walk, knave, walk.'
He'd extract numbers out of matter,
And keep thera in a glass, like water.
Of sovereign power to make men wise ;
For, dropped in blear thick-sighted eyes,
They'd make them see in darkest night,-
Like owls, though purblind in the light.
By help of these, as he professed,
He had First Matter seen undressed :
lie took her naked, all alone.
Before one rag of forra was on.
The Chaos, too, he had descried.
And seen quite through, or else he lied ;
Not that of pasteboard, which men sliow
Fbr groats, at fair of Barthol'mew,

CANTO i.J HUDIBRAS.
But its great grandsire, first o' th' name,
Whence that and Reformation came.
Both cousin-germaris, and right abfe
T' inveigle and draw in the rabble :
But Reformation was, some say,
O' th' younger house to puppet-play.
He could foietel whats'ever was,
By consequence, to come to pass :
As death of great men, alterations.
Diseases, battles, inundations :
All tbis without th' eclipse of th' sun,
Or dreadful comet, he hath done
By inward light, a way as good,
And easy to be understood :
But with more lucky hit than those
That use to make the stars depose,
> Like Knights o' th' Post, and falsely charge
Upon themselves what others forge ;
As if they were consenting to
All mischiefs in the world men do :
Or, like the devil, did tempt and sway 'em
To rogueries, and then betray 'em.
They'll search a planet's house, to know
Who broke and robbed a house below ;
Examine Venus and the Moon,
Who stole a thimble or a spoon ;
And though they nothing will confess,
Yet by their very looks can guess.
And tell what guilty aspect bodes.
Who stole, and who received the goods :
They'll question Mars, and, by his look,
Detect who 'twas th.at nimmed a cloak ;
Make Mercury confess, and 'peach
Those thieves which he himself did teach.
They'll find, i' th' physiognomies
O' th' planets, all men's destinies ;
Like hira that took the doctor's bill,
And swallowed it instead o' th' pill,
Cast the nativity o' th' question.
And frora positions, to be guessed on.
As sure as if they knew the moraent
Of native's birth, tell what will come on't.

23

24 - HUDIBRAS. [part
They'll feel the piilses of tlie stars.
To find out agues, coughs, catarrhs ;
And tell what crisis does divine
The rot in sheep, or raange in swine ;
What gains, or loses, hangs, or saves.
What makes raen great, what fools, or knaves ;
But not what wise, for only 'f those
The stars, they say, cannot dispose.
No more than can the astrologians :
There they say right, and like true Trojans.
This Ralpho knew, and therefore took
The other course, of which we spoke.
Thus was th' accomplished Squire endued
With gifts and knowledge per'lous shrewd.
Never did trusty squire with knight,
Or knight with squire, e'er jump more right.
Their arms and equipage did fit.
As well as virtues, parts, and wit :
Their valours, too, were of a rate.
And out they sallied at the gate,
Few miles on horseback had they jogged
But Fortune unto thera turned dogged ;
For they a sad adventure raet,
Of which anon we mean to treat. "^
But ere we venture to unfold , r \
Achievements so resolved, and feoldj
We should, as learned poets us4, I
Invoke th' assistance of some raV"e ;'
However critics count it sillier, v^^
Than jugglers talking t' a familiar ; ¦
We think 'tis no great matter which.
They're all alike, yet we shall pitch
On one that fits our purpose most.
Whom therefore thus do we accost: —
Thou that with ale, or \iler liquors.
Didst inspire '\yithers, Prynne^ and Vickars,
And force them, though it was in spite
, Of Nature, and their stars, to write ;
\ ^\'ho, as we find in sullen writs.
And cross-grained works of modern wits.
With vanity, opinion, want.
The wonder of the ignorant,

CANTO 1,], -HUDIBRAS. 25
The praises of the author, penned
By himself, or wit-lnsuring.friend ;
The itch of picture in the front,
With bays, and wicked rhyme upon 't.
All that is left o' th' forked hill
To raake men scribble without skill ;
Canst make a poet, spite of fate.
And teach all people to translate, —
Though out of languages, in which
They understand no part of speech ;
Assist me but this once, I 'raplore.
And, I shall trouble thee no more.
In western clime therje is a towii,
To those" that dvv'eH 'therein welTknown,
Therefore there needs no raore be said here,
We unto thera refer our reader ;
For brevity is very good,
Wheii"w.''^are, or are- not understood.
To this town people did repair
On days of market, or of fair,
iVnd to cracked fiddle, and hoarse tabor,
In merriment did drudge .and labour :
But now a sport more formidable
. HMTSketl- together village, rabble ;
'Twas aw old way- of recreating.
Which JearnSd butchers call bear-baiting ;
A^_bold^adventl^ ^"^ "
With alicientTT^.es. in high prize ;
For authjis do affirm it came
Frorii Isthmian and Nemsean game :
Others derive it from the Bear
That's fixed in northern hemisphere.
And round about the pole does make
A circle, Uke a bear at stake.
That at the chain's end wheels about.
And overturns the rabble- rout :
For after solemn proclamation .
In the bear's name, as is the fashion.
According to the law of arms,
To keep men from inglorious harms,
That none presume to come so near
As fortx foot of stake of bear ;

26 HUDIBRAS. [part I.
if any yet be so fool-hardy,_
T' expose themselves to vain jeopardy.
If they come wounded off, and lame,
No honour's got by such a maim.
Although the bear gain much, b'ing bound
In honour to make good his ground,
When he's engaged, and takes no notice.
If any press upon him, who 'tis.
But lets them know, at their o\ni cost.
That he intends to keep his post.
This to prevent, and other harms,
Which always wait on feats of arms.
For in the hurry of a fray
'Tis hard to keep out of harm's way,
Thither the Knight his course did steer,
Tb keep the peace 'twixt dog and bear.
As he beheved he was bound to do
In conscience and commission too;
And therefore thus bespoke the Squire : —
' We that are wisely mounted higher
Than constables in curule wit,
When on tribunal bench we sit,
Like speculators, should foresee,
Frora Pharos of authority.
Portended mischiefs farther than
Low(]3rdletariarO tything-raen ;
And, therefore, being inforraed by truit,
That dog and bear are to dispute, —
For so of late men fighting name,
Because they often prove the same;
For where the' first does hap to be.
The last does coincidere; — - \
Quantum in nobis, have thought good
To save th' expense of Christian blood.
And try if we, by mediation
Of treaty, and accommodation.
Can end the quarrel, and compose
The bloody duel without blows.
' Are not our liberties, our lives,
The laws, religion, and our wives.
Enough at once to lie at stake
For Cov'nant, and the Cause's sake ?

CANTO r.] • HUDIBRAS. - ^7
But in that quarrel dogs and bears,
As well as we, must venture theirs ?
This feud, by Jesuits invented.
By evil counsel is fomented ;
There is a Machiavelian plot.
Though every nare olfact it not.
And deep design in't to divide
The well-affected that confide,
By setting brother against brother,
To claw and curry one another.
Have we. not enemies //«j satis, '
That cane et angue pejus hate us ?
And shall we turn our fangs and claws
Upon our own selves, without cause ?
That some occult design doth lie
In bloody cynarctoniachy,
Is plain enough to hira that knows
How saints lead brothers by the nose.
I wish myself a pseudo-prophet.
But sure some mischief will come of it,
Unless by providential wit,
Or force, we averruncate it.
For what design, what interest.
Can beast have to encounter beast?
They fight for no espoused cause,
Frail privilege, fundamental laws.
Nor for a thorough reformation,
-Nor covenant nor protestation,
Nor liberty of consciences.
Nor lords and commons' ordinances ;
Nor for the church, nor for church-lands.
To get them in their own no hands ;
• Nor evil counsellors to bring
To justice, -that sedtice the king ;
Nor for the worship of us men.
Though we have done as much for thera-
Th' Egyptians worshipped dogs, and for
Their faith raade internecine war.
Others_ad5J,?.d a_rat, and some
Foi: that church suffered martyrdom.
The Indians fought for the truth
Of th' elephant and monkey's tooth ;

28 HUDIBRAS. [PART-
And many, to defend that faith,
Fought it out ptordicus to death.
But no beast ever was so slight.
For man, as for his god, to fight ;
They have more wit, alas ! and know
Themselves and us better than so.
But we, who only do infuse
The rage in them like boute-feus,
'Tis our exaraple that instils
In thera th' infection of our ills.
And so, by our example, cattle
Learn to give one another battle.
We read in Nero's time, the Heathen
When they destroyed the Christian brethren,
They sewed them in the skins of bears.
And then set dogs about their ears ;
From whence, no doubt, th' invention came
\Of this lewd antichristian game.'
To this, quoth Ralpho, — ' Verily
The point seems very plain to me ;
It is an antichristian game.
Unlawful both in thing and name.
First, for the name ; the word bear-baiting
Is carnal, and of man's creating ;
For certainly there's _aQ SMfit^ wgrd
!fn aTr^e^^rJBturg. on recor^;
riierefore unlawful, and a sin ;
And so is, secondly, the thing ;
A vile assembly 'tis, that can
No more be proved by Scripture, tlian
Provincial, classic, national ;
Mere huraan creature-cobwebs all.
Thirdly, it is idolatrous ;
For when men run a-whpring thus
"V^itlTftiTli" invtmWhi, whal'soe'a-~
The thing be, whether dog or bear,
It is idolatrous and pagan.
No less than worshipping of Dagon.'
Quoth Hudibras, — ' I smell a rat ;
Ralpho, thou dost prevaricate :
F'or though the thesis which thou lay'st
Be true ad amussim, as thou say'_; ;

C.-mTG I.-].-.' HUDIBRAS. 29
For that bear-baiting should appear,
fure divino. lawfuller
Than synods are, thou dost deny
Totidem verbis — so do I,;
Yet there's a fallacy in this ;
For if by sly homososis.
Thou wouldst sophistically imply
Both are unlawful — I deny.'
' And I,' quoth Ralpho, ' do riot doubt
But bear-baiting raay be made out.
In gospel times, as lawful as is
Provincial, or parochial classis ; .
And that both are so near of kin.
And like in all, as well as sin,
That, put 'em in a bag, and shake 'em.
Yourself o' th' sudden would mistake 'em,
And not know which is which, unless
You measure by their wickedness ;
For 'tis not hard t' imagine whether
O' th' two is worst, tho' I narae neither.'
Quoth Hudibras,—' Thou offer'st much,
But art not able to keep touch.
Mira de lente, as 'tis i' th' adage,
Id est, to mkke a leek a cabbage ;
Thou canst at best but overstrain
A paradox, and thy own brain ;
For what can synods have at all
With bear that's analogical?
Or what relation has debating
Of church-affairs with bear-baiting ?
A just comparison still is
¦ Of things ejtisdem generis :
And then what genus rightly doth
Include, and comprehend them both ?
If animal, both of us may
As justly pass for bears as they ;
For we are animals no less,
AltTiough of different specieses.
But; Ralpho, this is no fit place,
Nor time, to argue out the case :
For now the field is not far off,
Where vve must give the world a proof

30 HUDIBRAS: [patit i.
Of deeds, not words, and such as suit
Another manner of dispute :
A controversy that affords
Actions for arguments, not words ;
Which we must manage at a rate
Of prow'ss, and conduct adequate
To what our place, and fame doth promise/
And all the godly expect from us.
Nor shall they be deceived, unless
We're slurred and outed by success ;
Success, the mark no mortal wit.
Or surest hand can always hit :
For whatsoe'er we perpetrate,
We do but row, V.jje^te^red by fate,
Which in success oft disinherit;.
For spurious causes, noblest merits.
Great actions are not always true sons
OTgreat'arid mighty resolutions ;
NOT3o"tTie"bold'st, attempts Jbring. forth
Events still equal to their worth ;
But sometimes fail, and in their stead
Fortune and cowardice succeed.
Yet we have no great cause to doubt.
Our actions still have borne us out ;
Which, though they're known to be so ample,
We need not copy from example ;
We're not the only person durst
Attempt this province, nor the first.
In northern clime a val'rous knight
Did whilom kill his bear in fight,
And wound a fiddler : we have both
Of these the objects of our wroth.
And equal farae and glory from
Th' attem.pt, or victory to come.
'Tis sung, there is a valiant Maraaluke
In foreign land, yclep'd 
To whom we have been oft compared
For person, parts, address, and beard ;
Both equally reputed stout.
And in the same cause both have fought ;
He oft, in such attempts as these.
Came off with glory and success ;

canto I.] '¦ HUDIBRAS. 31
Nor will we fail in th' execution,
For want of equal resolution.
Uqnour is, like a widow, won
With brisk attempt and putting on;
With_£nt_^ring manfully and urging,
Not slow approaches, like a virgin.'
This said, as erst thePhfygiari knight.
So ours, with rusty steel did smite
His Trojan horse, and just as much
He mend ed pace upon the touch ;
Eut frora his erapty stomach groaned,
Just as that hollow beast did sound,
And angry, answered from behind,
With brandished tail and blast of wind.
So have I seen, with arraed heel,
A wight bestride a Coramoil-weal,
I While still the more he kicked and spurred,
\The less the sullen jade has stirred.

CANTO II.
THE ARGUMENT.
The catalogue and character
Of th' enemies' best men of war,
Whom, in a bold harangue, the knight
Defies and challenges to fight :
H' encounters Talgol, routs the bear.
And takes the fiddlerprisoner.
Conveys him to enclSnled castle.
There shuts him fast in wooden Bastile.
There was an ancient sage philosopher
That had read Alexander Ross over.
And swore the world, as he could prove,
Was made of fighting, and of love.
Just so romances are, for what else
Is in them all but love and battles ?
O' th' first of these w' have no gre'at matter
To treat of, but a world o' th' latter.
In which to do the injured right.
We mean in what concerns just fight,
Certes our authors are to blame.
For to make some well-sounding name
A pattern fit for raodern knights
To copy out in frays and fights.
Like those that a whole street do raze,
To build a palace in the place ;
They never care how many others
They kill, without regard of mothers.
Or wives, or children, so they can
Make up some fierce, dead-doing man,
Composed of many ingredient valours,
Just like the manhood of nine tailors :
So a wild Tartar, when he spies
A man that's handsome, valiant, wise,
If he can kill him, thinks t' inherit
His wit, his beauty, and his spirit ;

CANTO II.]' ' HUDIBRAS.
As if just so rauch he enjoyed.
As in another is destroyed :
For when a giant's slain in fight.
And raowed o'erthwart, or cleft downright,
It is-a heavy case, no doubt,
A man should have his brains beat out.
Because he's tall, and has large bones.
As men kill beavers for their stones.
But, as for our part, we shall tell
The naked truth of what befel.
And as an equal friend to both
The knight and bear, but raore to troth,
With neither faction shall take part.
But give to each his due desert.
And never coin a formal lie on't,
To make the knight o'ercome the giant.
This b'ing professed, we've hopes enough,
And now go on where we left off.
^ They rode, but authors having not
Determined whether pace or trot.
That is to say, whether tollutation,
lAs they do terra 't, or succussation,
.We leave it, and go on, as now
Suppose they did, no matter how ;
Yet sorae, frora subtle hints, have got
¦ Mysterious light it was a trot :
But let that pass ; they now begun
To spur their "living engines on :
For as whipped tops and bandied balls,
' The learnfed hold, are animals ;
So horses they affirra to be ,
Mere engines raade by geometry.
And were invented first from engines.
As Indian Britons were from Penguins.
So let them be, and, as I v/as saying.
They their live engines plied, not staying
Until they reached the fatal champaign
Which th' enemy did then encamp on ;
The dire Pharsalian plain, where battle
Was to be waged 'twixt puissant cattle.
And fierce auxiliary men.
That came to aid their brethren ;

33

B

34

HUDIBRAS.' [part
Who now began to Uke the field,
As knight frora ridge of steel beheld.
For, as our raodern wits behold.
Mounted a pick-back on the old,
Much further off, rauch further he
Raised on his agfed beast, could see ;
Yet not sufficient to descry
All postures of tlie enemy ;
Wherefore he bids the squire ride further,
T' observe their numbers, and their order ;
That when their motions he had known.
He might know how to fit his own.
Meanwhile he stopped his willing steed, .
To fit himself for martial deed :
Both kinds of metal he prepared,
Either to give blows, or to ward ;
Courage within, and steel without.
To give and to receive a rout.
His death-charged pistols he did fit well,
Drawn out frora life-preserving victual ;
These being primed, with force he laboured
To free 's blade ffom retentive scabbard ;
And after raany a painful pluck,
He cleared at length the rugged tuck :
Then shook hiraself, to see that prowess
In scabbard of his arms sat loose ;
And, raised upon his desperate foot,
On stirrup-side he gazed about,
Portending blood, like blazing star.
The beacon of approaching war.
The Squire advanced with greater speed.
Than could be expected frora his steed ;
But far raore in rehirning raade ;
For now the foe he had surveyed.
Ranged, as to him they did appear,
With van, raain-batfle, wings, and rear.
I' th' head of all this warlike rabble,
.Crow^ero marched expert and able.
Instead of trurapet, and of drum,
That raakes the warrior's stomach come,
Whose noise whets valour sharp, like beer
By thunder turned to vinegar ;

CAl^TO II.] HUDIBRAS. 35
For if a trumpet sound, or drura beat,
Who has not a, raonth's mirid to combat ?
A squeaking engine he appHed
Unt9 his neck, on riorth-east side.
Just where' the hangman does dispose,
To special friends, the fatal noose :
For 'tis great grace, when .statesmen straight
Despatch a friend, let others wait.
His warpfed ear hung o'er the strings,
Which was but souse to chitterlings :
For guts, some write, ere they are sodden.
Are fit for music, or for pudden ;
From whence men borrow every kind
Of minstrelsy, by stririg or wind.
His gTisly beard was long and thick.
With which he stmng his fiddle-stick ;
For he to horse-tail scorned to owe
For what on his own chin did grow.
Chiron, the fouf -legged bard, had both
A beard and tail of his own growth';
And yet by authors 'tis averred.
He raade use only of his beard,
In Staffordshire, wliere. virtuous worth
Does raise the rainstrelsy, not birth, ,
Where bulls do choose the boldest king
And ruler o'er the raen of string,
As once in Persia, 'tis said,
(Kings were proclaimed by a horse that neighed ;
He, bravely venturing at a crown.
By chance of war was beaten down, '
And wounded sore : his leg, then broke,
Had got a deputy of oak ;
For when a shin in fight is cropped.
The knee with one of* timber's propped,
Esteemed more honourable than the other.
And takes place, though the younger brother
Next raarched brave Qssoi, famous for
Wise conduct, and success in war ; ,
A skilful leader, stout, severe,
Now marshal to the champion bear.
With truncheon tipped .with iron head,
The warrior to the lists he led ;

3(5 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
With solemn march, and stately pace,
But far more grave and solemn face ;
Grave as the Eraperor of Pegif,
Or Spanish potentate, Don Diego ;
This leader was of knowledge great.
Either for charge, or for retreat :
Knew when t' engage his bear pell-mell,
And when to bring hira off as well.
So lawyers, lest the bear defendant.
And plaintiff dog, should make an end on't,
Do stave and tail with writs of error.
Reverse of judgment, and demurrer,
To let them breathe a while, and then
Cry whoop, and set them on again.
As Romulus a wolf did rear,
So he was dry-nursed by a bear.
That fed him with the purchased prey
Of many a fierce and bloody fray ;
Bred up, where disciphne most rare is,
In military garden Paris :
For soldiers heretofore did grow
In gardens, just as weeds do now.
Until sorae splay-foot pohticians
T' Apollo offered up petitions.
For licensing a new invention
They'd found out of an antique engine,
To root out all the weeds, that grow
In public gardens, at a blow.
And leave th' herbs standing. Quoth Sir Sun,
' My friends, that is not to be done.'
' Not done ! ' quote Statesraan ; ' Yes, an't please ye,
When 'tis once known you'll say 'tis easy.'
' Why then let's know it,' quoth Apollo :
' We'll beat a drura, and they'll all follow.'
'A drura !' quoth Phoebus, 'Troth, that's true,
A pretty invention, quaint and new :
But though of voice and instrument
We are th' undoubted president,
We such loud music do not profess.
The devil's master of that office,
Where it must pass ; if 't be a drum.
He'll sign it with Cier. Pari. Dom. Com. ¦

canto II.] ' HUDIBRAS.

37

To him apply yourselves, and he
Will soon despatch you for his fee.'
They did so, but it proved so ill,
The;y 'ad better let 'em grow there still.
-But to resume what we discoursing
Were on before, that is, stout Orsin ;
That which so oft by sundry writers.
Has been applied t' almost all fighters,
More justly raay b' ascribed to this
Than any other warrior, viz.
None ever acted both parts bolder,
Both of a chieftain and a soldier.
He was of great descent, and high
For splendour and antiquity, ,
And from celestial origine,
Derived hiraself in a right line ;
Not as the ancient heroes did.
Who, that their base-births raight be hid,
Knowing they were of doubtful gender.
And that they carae in at a windore.
Made Jupiter hiraself, and others
O' th' gods, gallants to their own mothers.
To get on them a race of champions.
Of which old Homer first made lampoons ;
Arctophylax, in northern sphere.
Was his undoubted ancestor ;
From him his great forefathers came.
And in all ages bore his name :
Learned he was in rned'cinal lore,'
For by his side a pouch he wore.
Replete with strange hermetic poW'der,
That wounds nine miles point-blank would solder ;
, By skilful chemists, with great cost.
Extracted from a rotten post ;
But of a heavenlier influence
Than that which raounteba/uks dispense ;
Though by Proraethean fire raade,
As they do quack that drive that trade.
For this did healing, and as sure
As that did mischief, this would cure.
Thus virtuous Orsin was endued
With learning, conduct, fortitude

38 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
Incomparable ; and as the prince
Of poets, Horaer, sung long since,
A skilful leech is better far.
Than half a hundred men of war ;
So he appeared, and by his skill.
No less than dint of sword, could kill.
The gallant Bruin marched next him,
With visage formidably grim,
And rugged as a Saracen,
Or Turk of Mahomet's own kin.
Clad in a mantle di la guerre
Of rough, impenetrable fur ;
And in his nose, like Indian king.
He wore, for ornament, a ring ;
About his neck a threefold gorget,
As rough as trebled leathern target ;
Arrafed, as heralds cant, and langued.
Or, as the vulgar say, sharp-fanged :
For as the teeth in beasts of prey
Are swords, >vith which they fight in fray,
So swords, in raen of war, are teeth.
Which they do eat their victual with.
He was by birth, some authors write,
A Russian, sorae a Muscovite,
And 'raong the Cossacks had been bred,
Of whora we in diurnals read.
That serve to fill up pages here,
As with their bodies ditches there.
Scrimansky was his cousin-gerraan.
With whora he served, and fed on verrain ;
And when these failed, he'd suck his claws.
And quarter himself upon his paws :
And though his countrymen, the Huns,
Did stew their meat between their buras
And th' horses' backs o'er which they straddle,
And ev'ry raan ate up his saddle ;
He was not half so nice as tliey,
But ate it raw when 't came in's way.
He had traced countries far aud near,
More than Le Blanc the traveller;
Who writes, he spoused in India,
Of noble house, a lady gay,

canto II.] HVDlBRAS.
And got on her a race of worthies,
As stout as any upon earth is.
Full many a fight for him between
tjTalgol and Orsin oft had been,
|li;acfi striving to deserve the crown
iOf a saved citizen ; the one
To giiard his bear, the other fought
To aid his dog ; both made more stout
!By several spurs of neighbourhood,
Church-fellow-raembership, and blood ;
But Talgol, mortal foe to cows.
Never got au^ht.of hira but blows;
Blows hard and heavy, such as he
Had lent, repaid with usury.
Yet Talgol was of courage stout.
And vanquished oftener than he fought :
Inured to labour, sweat, and toil.
And, like a charapion, shone with oil :
Right many a widow his keen blade,
And many fatherless, had made ;
He many a boar and huge djm-cow
Did, like another Guy, o'erthrow;
But Guy, with hira in fight cOrapared,
Had like the boar or dun-cow fared :
With greater troops of sheep h' had fought
Than Ajax, or bold Don_Quixote;
And raany a serpent of fell kind,
With wings before, and stings behind.
Subdued ; ^^oets say, Jong agone,
Bold Sir George Saint George did the dragon.
Nor engine, nor device polemic,
Disease, nor doctor epidemic,
Though stored with deletery medicines,
Which whosoever took is dead since,
, E'er sent so vast a colony
To both the under worlds as he :
For he was of that noble trade
' That demi-gods and heroes made.
Slaughter, and knocking on the head,
The trade to which they all were bred ;
And is, like others, glorious when
'Ti'i great and large, but base, if mean ;

39

40

HUDIBRAS. [part I.
The forraer rides in triumph for it.
The latter in a two-wheeled chariot.
For daring to profane a thing
So sacred, with so vile bungling.
Next these the brave Magnano came,
Magnano, great in raartiaFfarae ;
Yet, when with Orsin he waged fight,
'Tis sung he got but little by't :
Yet he was fierce as forest-boar.
Whose spoils upon his back he wore.
As thick as Ajax' seven-fold shield,
Which o'er his brazen arms he held ;
But brass was feeble to resist
The fury of his arrafed fist ;
Nor could the hardest iron hold out
Against his blows, but they would through't
In magic he was deeply read.
As he that raade the brazen head ;
Profoundly skilled in the black art.
As English Merlin, for his heart ;
But far more skilful in the spheres,
Than he was at the sieve and shears.
He could transforra hiraself to colour.
As like the devil as a collier ;
As like as hypocrites, in show.
Are to true saints, or crow to crow.
Of warlike engines he was author.
Devised of quick despatch of slaughter ;
The cannon, blunderbuss, and saker.
He was th' inventor of, and maker ;
The trumpet and the kettle-drum
Did both from his invention come.
He was the first that e'er did teach
To make, and how to stop, a breach.
A lance he bore with iron pike,
Th' one half would thrust, the other strike ;
And when their forces he had joined,
He scorned to turn his parts behind.
He Trulla loved, "^ulla, more bright
Than burnished armoilr-trf her knight ;
A bold virago, stout, and tall,
As Joan of France, or English Mall ;

canto II.] Hudibras. 41
Through perils both of wind and limb.
Through thick and thin she followed him
In ev'ry adventure h' undertook.
And never him, or it forsook :
At breach of wall, or hedge surprise.
She shared i' th' hazard, and the prize ;
At beating quarters up, or forage.
Behaved herself with matchless courage.
And laid about in fight more busily
Than th' Araazonian Dame Penthesile.
And though some critics here cry Shame,
And say our authors are to blame.
That, spite of all philosophers.
Who hold no females stout but bears.
And heretofore did so abhor
That woraen should pretend to war.
They would not suffer the stout'st dame,
To swear by Hercules's name ;
Make feeble ladies', in their works.
To fight like termagants and Turks ;
To lay their native arras aside.
Their modesty, and ride astride ;
To run a-tilt at men, and wield
jTheir naked tools in open field ;
JAs stout Armida, bold Thalestris,
And she that would have been the mistress
Of Gonjdib.ert, but he had grace, .
And fatrier took a country lass ;
They say 'tis false without all sense.
But of pernicious consequence
To government, which they suppose
Can never be upheld in prose ;
Strip nature naked to the skin.
You'll find about her no such thing;
It riiay be so, yet what we tell
Of Trulla, that's improbable,'
Shall be deposed by those have seen't.
Or, what's as good, produced in print ;
And if they will not take our word.
We'll prove it true upon record.
The upright Cerdon next advaric't,
Of all his race iHFValiant'st ;

42 hudibras. [part I.
Cerdon the Great, renowned in song,
Like Herc'les, for repair of wrong :
He raised the low, and' fortified
The weak against the strongest side :
111 has he read that never hit
On hira in muses'* deathless writ.
He had a weapon keen and fierce.
That through a bull-hide shield would pierce,
And cut it in a thousand pieces.
Though tougher than the Knight of Greece his,
With whora his black-thurabed ancestor
Was corarade in the ten years' war :
For when the restless Greeks sat down
So raany years before Troy town,
And were renowned, as Homer writes,
For well-soled boots no less than fights,
They owed that glory only to
His ancestor, that made them so.
Fast friend he was to reformation.
Until 'twas worn quite out of fashion ;
Next rectifier of wry law.
And would raake three to cure one flaw.
Learned he was, and could take note,
Transcribe, collect, translate, and quote ;
But preaching was his chiefest talent.
Or argument, in which being valiant,
He used to lay about and stickle,
iLike rara or bull at conventicle :
|For disputants, like raras and bulls,
po fight with arras that spring from skulls,
Last Colon carae, bold man of war,
DestineSTo" blows by fatal star ;
Right expert in command of horse.
But cruel, and without remorse.
That which of Centaur long ago
Was said, and has been wrested to
Some other knights, was true of this :
He and his horse were of a piece •
One spirit did inform them both,
The self-same vigour, fury, wroth ;
Yet he was much the rougher part.
And always had a harder heart.

canto II;] hudibras.
. . Although his, horse had been of those
That fed on man's flesh, as fame goes :
Strange food for horse ! and yet, alas ! '
It riiay be true, for flesh is grass. /
Sturdy he was, and no less able
Than Hercules to clean. a stable;
As great a drover, and as great
A critic too, in hog or nea,t.
He ripped the womb up of his raother,
Darae Tellus, 'cause she wanted fother.
And provender, wherewith to feed
Himself and his less cruel steed.
It was a qiiestion whether he
Or 's 'horse, were of a faraily
More worshipful ; 'till antiquaries,
, After they'd alraost pored out their eyes,
Did very learnedly decide
The business on the horse's side,
And )proved not only horse, but cows.
Nay pigs, were of the elder house :
For beasts, when man was but a piece
Of earth himself, did th' earth possess.
These worthies were the chief that led
The cortibatants each in the head
Of his command, with arms and rage
Ready and longing to engage.
The numerous rabble was drawn out
, Of several counties round about,
Frorn villages remote, and shires, ,
Of east and western herriispheres ;
Frorii foreign parishes and regions.
Of different manners, speech, religions,
Carae raen and mastiffs, some to fight
For fame and honour, some for sight.
And now the field of death, the lists.
Were entered by antagonists.
And blood was ready to be broached,
When Hudibras in haste approached,
With, squire and weapons to attack 'em :
But first thus from his horse bespake 'em.
' What rage, O citizens ! what fury
Doth you to these dire actions hurry ?

43

44 HUDIBRAS. [part I.
What oestrum, what phrenetic mood ,'
Makes you thus lavish of your blood.
While the proud Vies your trophies boast,
And, unrevenged, walks Waller's ghost ?
What towns, what garrisons might you.
With hazard of this blood, subdue,
Which now y' are bent to throw aw$y
In vain, untriumphable fray ?
Shall saints in civil bloodshed wallow
Of saints, and let the Cause lie fallow?
The Cause, for which we fought and swore
So boldly, shall we now give o'er ?
Then because quarrels still are seen
With oaths and swearings to begin.
The solemn league and covenant
Will seem a mere God-damme rant.
And we that took it, and have fought.
As lewd as drunkards that fall out :
For as we make war for the king
Against hiraself, the self-same thing
Some will not stick to swear, we do
J"or God, and for religion too ;
For if bear-baiting we allow.
What good can reformation do ?
The blood and treasure that's laid out
Is thrown away, and goes for nought.
Are these the fruits o' th' protestation,
The prototype of reformation.
Which all the saints, and sorae, since martyrs,
Wore in their hats like wedding garters.
When 'twas resolvfed by their house
Six members' quarrel to espouse ?
Did they for this draw down the rabble.
With zeal, apd noises formidable ;
sAnd make all cries about the town
Join throats to cry the bishops down ?
Who having round begirt the palace.
As once a month they do the gallows,
As members gave the sign about.
Set up their throats with hideous shout
When tinkers bawled aloud, to settle
Church-disqipline, for patching kettle.

canto II.] HUDIBRAS. 4g
No sow-gelder did blow his horn
To geld a cat, but criedReforra.
The oyster-women I6cked their fish up,
And trudged away to cry No Bishop ;
The mouse-trap men laid save-alls by.
And 'gainst ev'l counsellors did cry ;
Botchers left old clothes in the lurch.
And fell to turn and patch the church v;
Sorae cried the covenant, instead
Of pudding-pies and ginger-bread ;
And sorae for brooms, old boots, and shoes.
Bawled out to purge the Comraons house ;
Instead of kitchen-stuff, sorae cry
A gospel-preaching ministry ;
And some for old suits, coats, or cloak.
No surplices nor service-book :
j(A strange harmonious inclination
Of all degrees to reformation. ,
And is this all? Is this the end
To which these carr'ings on did tend ?
Hath public faith, like a young heir,
For this tak'n up all sorts of ware,
'And run int' every tradesman's book.
Till both turn bankrupts, and are broke ?
Did saints for this bring in their plate.
And crowd, as if they came too late ?
For when they thought the Cause had need on't,
Happy was he that could be rid on't.
Did they coin jordens, bowls, and flagons,
Int' officers of horse and dragoons ;
And into pikes and rausqiieteers
Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers ?
A thimble, bodkin, and a spoon.
Did start up living raen, as soon
As in the furnace they were thrown.
Just like the dragon's teeth b'ing sown.
jThen was the Cause all gold and plate,
.[The brethren's offerings, consecrate.
Like th' Hebrew calf, and down befbre it
The saints fell prostrate, to adore it. ^
So say the wicked — and will you
Make that sarcasmus scandal true,

46 Hl/DIBRAS. ' [part
By running after dogs and bears,
Beasts more unclean than calves or steers?
Have powerful preachers phed their tongues,
And laid themselves out, and their lungs ;
Used all raeans, both direct and sin'ster,
I' th' pow'r of gospel-preaching miri'ster?
Have they invented tones, to win.
The woraen, and make thera draw in
The men, as Indians with a female
Tame elephant inveigle the male ?
Have they told Pfov'dence what it must do,
Whora to avoid, and whora to trust to :
Discovered th' Enemy's design.
And which way best to countermine ;
Prescribed what ways he hath to work,
Or it will ne'er advance the kirk ?
Told it the news o' th' last express,
And after good or bad success
Made prayers, not so like petitions,
As overtures and propositions,
Such as the army did present
To their creator, the parliament ;
In which they freely will confess.
They will not, cannot acquiesce,
Unless the work be carried on
In the same way they have begun.
By setting church and coraraon-weal
All on a flame, bright as their zeal,
On which the saints were all a-gog.
And all this for a bear and dog ?
The parliament drew up petitions
To 'tself, and sent them, like commissions.
To well-affected persons, down
In every city and great town.
With power to levy horse and. raen,
Only to bring thera back again ?
For this did many, many a mile.
Ride manfully in rank and file,
With papers in their hats, that showed
As if they to the pill'ry rode !
Have all these courses, these efforts,
Been tried by people of all sorts,

canto II.], ' HUDIBRAS.
Velis et remis, omnibus fiervis.
And all t' advance the Cause's service,
A^nd_sliallrall. now bg. thrown away '
In petulant- intestine fray?
Shall we, that in the cov'nant swore
Each man of us to run before
Another still in reformation
Give dogs and bears a dispensation ?
How wiU dissenting brethren relish il ?
What will malignants say ? Videlicet,
That each raan, swore' to do his best.
To damn and perjure- all the rest ;
jAnd bid the devil take the hin'raost,
Which at this race is like to win most.
They'll say our business to reform
The church and state, is but a worm
For to subscribe, unsight, unseen,
T' an unknown church's disipline.
What is it else, but, before-hand,
T' engage, and after understand ?
For when we swore to carry on
The preserit reformation,
According to the purest mode
Of churches best reformed abroijid.
What did we else but raake a vow
To do, we knew not what, nor how ?
For no three of us will agree
(Where, or what churches these should bej
And is indeed the self-same case
With theirs that swore et ceteras ;
Or the French league, in which men vowed
To figl}}: to the last drop of'blood.
These slanders will be thrown upon
The Cause and work we carry on,
If we permit men to run headlong
T' exorbitancies fit for Bedlam,
Rather than gospel-walking times,
When slightest sins are greatest crimes.
But we the raatter so shall handle,
As to remove tl^at odious scandal.
In name of king and parliament,
J charge ye all, no more foraent

47

48 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
This feud, but keep the peace between
Your brethren and your countrymen ;
And to those places straight repair
Where your respective dwelUngs are :
J5ut to that purpose first surrender
The fi_ddler, as. the .prime offender,
Th' incendiary vile, that is chief
Author, and engineer of mischief ;
That makes division between friends,
For profane and malignant ends.
He and that engine of vile noise,
On which UlegaUy he plays.
Shall, dictum factum, both be brought
To condign pun'shment, as they ought.
This raust be done, and I would fain see
Mortal so sturdy as to gainsay ;
For then I'll take another course.
And soon reduce you all by force.'
This said, he clapped his hand on sword.
To show he raeant to keep his word.
But Talgol, who had long suppressed
Inflamfed wrath in glowing breast.
Which now began to rage and burn as
Implacably as flame in furnace.
Thus answered him, — ' Thou vermin wretched.
As e'er in measled pork was hatched ;
Thou tail of worship, that dost grow
On rump of justice as of cow ;
How dar'st thou with that sullen luggage
O' thyself, old ir'n, and other baggage.
With which thy steed of bone and leather
Has broke his wind in halting hither ;
How dur'st th', I say, adventure thus
T' oppose thy lumber against us ?
Could thine impertinence find out
No work t' employ itself about.
Where thou, secure from wooden blow.
Thy busy vanity might show ?
Was no dispute a foot between '
The caterwauling bretheren ?
No subtle question raised araong
Those out-o'-their-wits, and those i' th' wrong ?

canto II.] HUDIBRAS.

49

No prize between those combatants
O' th' times, the land and .water saints';
Where thou mightst stickle, without hazard
Of outrage to thy hide and mazzard.
And not, for want of business, come
To us to be thus troublesome.
To interrupt our better sort
Of disputants, and spoil our sport ?
Was there no felony, no bawd.
Cut-purse, or burglary abroad ?
No stolen pig nor plundered goose,
To tie thee up frora breaking loose ?
No ale unlicensed, broken hedge.
For which thou statute raightst allege.
To keep thee busy from foul evil,
And sharae due to thee from the devil ?
Did no committee sit, where he
Might cut out journey-work for thee,
And set th' a task, with subornation,
¦ To stitch up sale and sequestration ;
To cheat, with holiness and zeal.
All parties and the coraraon-weal ?
Much better had it been for thee
H' had kept thee where th' art used to be ;
Or sent th' on business any whither.
So he had never brought thee hither :
But if th' hast brain, enough in skull
To keep within its lodging whole.
And not provoke the rage of stones, ' , '
And cudgels, to thy hide and bones ;
Tremble and vanish while thou may'st.
Which I'll not promise if thou stay'st.'
At this the knight grew high in wroth.
And lifting hands and eyes up both.
Three times he sraote on stomach stout,
Frora whence, at length, these words broke out ;
' Was I for this entitled Sir,
And girt with trusty sword and spur.
For fame and honour to wage battle.
Thus to be braved by foe to cattle ?
Not all the pride that makes thee swell
As big ^s thou dost blown-up veal ;

so

HVDlBRAS. [part I.
Nor all thy tricks and sleights to cheat.
And sell thy carrion for good meat ;
Not all thy magic to repair
,Decayed old age, in tough lean ware.
Make natural death appear thy work,
!And stop the gangrene in stale pork ;
Not aU that force that makes thee proud,
Because by buUock ne'er withstood ;
Though arraed with all thy cleavers, knives.
And axes made to hew down lives.
Shall save, or help thee to evade
The hand of justice, or this blade.
Which I, her sword-bearer, do carry.
For civil deed and military.
Nor shall these words, of venom base,
Which thou hast from their native place.
Thy stomach, pumped to fling on me.
Go unrevenged, though I ara free :
Thou down the same throat shall devour 'em
Like tainted beef, and pay dear for 'em.
Nor shall it e'er be said that wight
With gauntlet blue and bases white,
And round blunt truncheon by his side.
So great a raan-at-arms defied.
With words far bitterer than wormwood.
That would in Job or Grizel stir mood.
;Dogs with their tongues their wounds do heal ;
But raen with hands, as thou shalt feel.'
This said, with hasty rage he snatched
His gun-shot, that in holsters watched ;
And bending cock; he leveUed full
Against th' outside of Talgol's skull ;
Vowing that he should ne'er stir further.
Nor henceforth cow nor bullock murther.
¦But Pallas came in shape of rust,
And 'twixt the spring and hammer thrust
; Her gorgon-shield, which made the cock
-Stand stiff, as 'twere turned.to.a stock.
Meanwhile fierce Talgol gatliering might.
With rugged truncheon charged the knight ;
But he, with petronel upheaved,
Instead of sliield, the blow received ;

'dtkTo li.j HUDIMA.S., 5 1
The gun recoiled as well it raight,
Not used to such a kind of fight,
And shrunk from its great master's gripe.
Knocked down, and stunned, with rtiortal stripe :
Then Hudibras, with fiirious haste,
Drew out his sword ; yet not so fast.
But Talgol first, with hardy thwack,
Twice bruised his head, and twice his back ;
But when' hisjmtJbrQffin-S-W-ord was out.
Courageously he laid about,
Imprinting many a wound upon
His nibrtal foe, the truncheon.
The trusty cudgel did oppose
Itself against dead-doing blows.
To guard his leader frora fell bane,
And then revenged itself again :
And though the sword, sorae understood,
In force; had much the odds of wbod,
'Twas nothing so ; both sides were balanc't
So equal, none knew which was val'ant'st :
For wood, with honour be'ng engaged.
Is so implacably enraged,
Though iron hew, and mangle sore,
Wood wounds and bruises honour more.
And now both knights were out of breath,
Tifeariiitte'horpursuit of death;
Whil"s"^t all the-ri^st, amazed, stood still.
Expecting which should take, or kUl.
This Hudibras observed; and fretting
Conquest should be so long a-getting.
He drew up all his force into
One body, and that into one blow ;
But. Talgol wisely avoided it
By cunning flight ; for had it hit.
The upper part of him the blow-
Had slit, as sure as that below.
Meanwhile the incomparable Colon,
To aid his ffiend, began to fall on ;
Him Ralph encountered, and straight grew
A dismal combat 'twixt them two ;
Th' one armed with metal, th' other with wood ;
This fit for bruise, and that for olood.

52 HUDIBRAS. [part I.
With many a stiff thwack, many a bang,
Hard crab-tree, and old iron rang ;
WhUe none that saw thera could divine
To which side conquest would incline.
Until Magnano, who did envy
That two should with so many men vie,
By subtle stratagem of brain
Performed what force could ne'er attain.
For he, by foul hap, having found
Where thistles grew on barren ground.
In haste he drew his weapon out,
And having cropped them from the root.
He clapped them under the horse's tail.
With prickles sharper than a nail.
The angry beast did straight resent
The wrong done to his fundament.
Began to kick, and fling, and wince.
As if h' had been beside his sense.
Striving to disengage from thistle.
That galled hira sorely under his taU ;
Instead of which he threw the pack
Of squire and baggage from his back ;
And blundering still wdth smarting rump,
He gave the knight's steed such a thump
As made hira reel The knight did stoop,
And sat on further side aslope.
This Talgol viewing, who had now,
By flight, escaped the fatal blow.
He rallied, and again fell to't ;
For catching foe by nearer foot.
He lifted with such raight and strength.
As would have hurled hira thrice his length,
And dashed his brains, if any, out ;
But Mars, who stUI protects the stout.
In pudding-time came to his aid.
And under him the bear conveyed ;
The bear, upon whose soft fur-gown
The knight with aU his weight fell down.
The friendly rug preserved the ground.
And headlong knight, from bruise or wound :
Like feather-bed betwixt £i wall.
And heavy biunt of cannon-ball.

canto II.] HUDIBRAS.

S3

As Sancho on a blanket feU,
And had no hurt ; ours fared as well
In body, though his mighty spirit,
B'ing heavy, did not so weU bear it.
The bear was in a greater fright.
Beat down, and worsted by the knight ;
He roared, and raged, and flung about.
To shake off bondage from his snout.
His wrath inflamed, boiled o'er, and from
His jaws of death he thre-^ the foara ;
Fury in stranger postures threw hira.
And raore, than ever herald, drew hira.
He tore the earth, which ije had saved
Frora squelch of knight, and stormed and raved ;
And vexed the raore, because the harras
He felt were 'gainst the law of arras :
For men he always took ;lo be
His friends, and dogs the enemy.
Who never so much hurt had done him
As his own side did faUing on hira.
It grieved hira to the guts, that they.
For whom h' had fought so raany a fray.
And served with loss of blood so long, ¦
Should offer such inhuman wrong ;
Wrong of unsoldier-like condition ;
For which he flung down his comraission.
And laid about hira, till his nose
From thrall of ring and cord broke loose.
Soon as he felt himself enlarged.
Through thickest of his foes he charged.
And raade way through th' amazed crew.
Some he o'er-ran, and some o'erthrew.
But took none; for, by hasty flight,
He strove t' escape pursuit of knight.
From whom he fled with as much haste
And dread, as he the rabble chased.
In haste he fled, and so did they.
Each and his fear a several way.
Crowdero only kept the field.
Not stirring frora the place he held.
Though beaten down, and wounded sore,
I' th' fiddle, and the leg that bore

54 HUDIBRAS. [part I.
One side of him, not that of tone.
But much its-better, th' wooden one.
He spying HudibraS lie strewed
Upon the ground, like log of wood,
' With fright of fall, supposed wound,
And loss of water, in a swound,
In haste he snatched the wooden limb,
That hurt i' th' ankle lay by hira.
And fitting it for sudden fight.
Straight drew it up, t' attack the knight.
For getting up on stump and huckle,
He with the foe began to buckle.
Vowing to be revenged for breach
Of crowd and skin, upon the wretch,
Sole author of all detriment
He and his fiddle underwent
But Ralpho, who had now begun
T' adventure resurrection
From heavy squelch, and had got up
Upon his legs, with sprainfed crup.
Looking about, beheld the bard
To charge the knight entranced prepared.
He snatched his whinyard up, that fled
When he was falling off his steed,
As rats do from a falling house.
To hide itself from rage of blows ;
And winged with speed and fury, flew
To rescue knight from black and blue.
'Which ere he could achieve, his sconce
The J,eg encountered twice and once ;
Ai^^ow 'twas raised, to smite again,
Wl^^ Ralpho thrust himself between ;
He took the blow upon his arra.
To shield the knight frora further harm ;
And, joining wrath with force, bestowed
O' th' wooden member such a load.
That down it feU, and with it bore
Crowdero, whom it propped before.
To him the squire right nimbly run.
And setting conquering foot upon
His trunk, thus spoke : ' What desperate frenzy
Made thee, thou whelp of sin, to fancy

canto II.] HUDIBRAS. (7^
Thyself, and all that^ coward rabble,
T' encounter us in' battle able?
How durst'th', I'say, oppose tliy curship
'Gainst arras, authority, and worship.
And Hudibras or me provoke,
Though all thy limbs were heart of oak.
And th' other half of thee ds good
To- bear out blows as that of wood ?
Could not the whipping-post prevail.
With all its rhetoric, nor the jaU,
To keep from' flaying scourge thy skin.
And ankle free frora iron gin ?
Which now thou shalt — but first our care
Must see jjow Hudibras does fare.'
This said, he gently raised the knight.
And set him on his haunch upright ;
To rouse him frora lethargic durap.
He tweaked his nose, with gentle thump
Knocked on his breast, as if 't had been
To raise the spirits lodged within :
They, wakened with the noise, did fly
From inward room, to window eye,
And gently opening lid, the casement,
Looked out, but yet with some amazeriient.
This gladded Ralpho much to see,
Who thus bespoke the knight : quoth he,
Tweaking bis nose, ' You are, great Sir,
A self-denying conqueror ;
As high, victorious, and great.
As e'er fought for i;he churches yet.
If you will give yourseU" but leave
To make out what y' already have ;
That's victory. Tli£j(Qe,.iQr dread
Of your nine-worthiness, is fled, "
All,, save CrowderOj , for .whose sake.
Yqu .did th' espoused Cause undertake ;
And Joe ties prisoner at your feet,
To be disposed as you think meet.
Either for, life, or death"," or sale^ "
The gallows, of perpetual jajl;'
For one wink of your.p.dwerful e.ye
Mfisfsenteiice him to live or die.

56 HUDIBRAS. [part tT tT it
His^fiddle is.ypyr proper purchase,
¦Won in the service of the churches ;
And^Fy yoiif dobrii raust be allowed
To be, or be no more, a crowd ;
For though success did not confer
Just title on the conqueror ;
Though dispensations were not strong
Conclusions, whether right or wrong ;
Although out-goings did confirm.
And owning were but a mere terfn ;
\"et as the wicked have no right
To th' creature, though usurped by might,
The property is in the saint,
From whora th' injuriously detain't ;
Of him they hold their luxuries,
Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice,
Their riots, revels, masks, delights,
Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites ;
All which the saints have title to,
And ought t' enjoy, if they'd their due.
What we take ffom them is no raore
Than what was ours by right before ;
For we are their true landlords stUl,
And they our tenants but at wUl.'
At this the knight began to rouse.
And by degrees grow valorous :
He stared about, and seeing none .
Of all his foes remain but one.
He snatched his Aveapon that lay near hira,
And frora the ground began to rear him,
Vowing to make Crowdero pay
For all the rest that ran away.
But Ralpho now, in colder blood.
His fury mildly thus withstood :
' Great Sir,' quoth he, ' your mighty spirit
Is raised too high ; this slave does merit
To be the hangman's .business, sooner
Than from your hand to have the honour
Of his destruction ; I that ara
A nothingness in deed and narae,
Did scorn to hurt his forfeit carcase,
Or ill entreat his fiddle or case :

Cakto n.] HjJDIBRAS. 5y
WiU you, great Sir, that glory blot
In cold blood, which you gained in hot ?
Will you employ your conquering swbrd
To break a fiddle, and your word ?
For though I fought and overcame.
And quarter gave, 'twas in your narae :
For great commanders always own
What's prosperous by 'the soldier done.
To save, when you have power to kill.
Argues your power above your will ;
And that your will and power have less
Than both raight have of selfishness.
This power which, now alive, with dread
He trerables at, if he were dead.
Would no raore keep the slave in awe, .
Than if you were a knight of straw ;
For death would then be his conqueror.
Not you, and free hira from that terror.
If danger from his life accrue,
X)r honour from his death, to you,
'Twere policy and honour too,
To do as you resolved to do :
But, Sir, 'twould wrong your valour much ,
To say it needs, or fears a crutch._
GreatxonqueroK greater glory gain..
^yjoes in triuraphTed^than'slain^: ,
The laurels' that adbfri their brows
Are puUed frora living, not dead boughs,
And living foes : the greatest farae
Of cripple slain can be but lame :
One half of hira's already slain,_
The other is not worth your pain ;
Th'- honour can but on one side light.
As worship did, when y' were dubbed knight
Wherefore I think it better far
To keep him prisoner of war ;
And let hira fast in bonds abide,
At court of justice to be tried;
¦Where if h' appear so bold or crafty,
There raay be danger in his safety :
If any member there dislike
His face, or to his beard have pique ;

58 HUDIBRAS. [paRT:I.
Or if his death will save, pr yield
Revenge or fright, it is revealed.
(Though he has quarter, ne'ertheless
|y' have povk^er to hang him when you please ;
iThis has been often done by some
jOf our great conquerors, you know whom ;
|And has by most of us been held
jWise justice, and to some revealed :
por words and promises, that yoke
[rhe conqueror, are quickly broke ;
Like Samson's cuffs, though by his own
Direction and advice put on.
ForJfwe_£hp.uld fight for the Cause
By rules of railitarj laws.
And only db what they call just.
The Cause would quickly fall to dust
This we among ourselves raay speak ;
But to the wicked or the weak
We raust be cautious to declare
Perfection-truths, such as these are.'
TJlis said, the high outrageous mettle
Of Tjnight began to cool and settle.
He liked the squire's advice, and soon
Resolved to see the business done ;
And therefore charged hira first tp bind
Crowdero's hands on rurap behind.
And to its former place, and use,
The wooden member to reduce ;
But force it take an oath before.
Ne'er to bear arras against him raore.
Ralpho despatched with speedy haste,
And having tied Crowdero fast,
He gave Sir Knight the end of cord,
To lead the captive of his sword
In triumph, while the steeds he caught,
And them to further service brought.
The squire in state rode on before.
And on his nut-brown v/hinyard bore
The trophy-fiddle and the case,
Leaning on shoulder like a mace.
The knight hiraself did after ride,
"Leading Crowdero by his side ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. .
And towed him, if he lagged behind,
Like boat against the tidfe and wind.
Thus grave and solemn they march on,^
Uritil quite through the town they, 'ad gone ;
At further end .at which there starids
AjLapr.ipnt. castle, that commands
*rh' adjacent parts ; in all the fabric
You shall not see one stone nor a brick.
But all of wood, by powerful speU
Of magic made impregnable :
There's neither iron- bar nor gate,
PortcuUis, chain, nor bolt, nor grate ;
And yet men durance there abide,
In^iungeon scarce three inches wide ;
With roof so low, that under it
They never stand, but lieor sit;
And yet so foul, that whoso is in.
Is to the raiddle-leg in prison ;
In circle magicaLaQn.fin.ejJ,
'With walls ^«?-su,htlfi..air and jvind,.
Which none are able to break thorough.
Until they're freed by head of borough.
'Thither arrivfed, th' ailventurous knight
And bold squire from their steeds, alight
At th' outward wall, near which there stands
A Bastile, built t' iraprison hands ;
By strange enchantraent made to fetter
The lesser parts, and free the greater :
For tho' the body may creep through.
The hands in grate are fast enow ;
And when a circle 'bout the wrist
Is made by beadlq exorcist,
The body feels the spur and switch.
As if 'twere ridden post by witch.
At twenty mUes an hour pace,
And yet ne'er stirs out of the place.
On top of this there is a spire, ,'
On which Sir Knight first bids the squire
The fiddle, and its spoUs, the case.
In raanner of a trophy, place.
That done, they ope the trap-door gate,
And let Crowdero down thereat.

59

6o HUDIBRAS. [par* t
Crowdero making doleful face,
' Like hermit poor in pensive place,'
To dungeon they the wretch comrait.
And the survivor of his feet ;
But th' other that had broke the peace.
And head of knighthood, they release,
Though a delinquent false and forged,
Yet being a stranger, he's enlarged ;
WhUe his comrade, that did no hurt.
Is clapped up fast in prison for't.
f So justice, while she winks at crimes.
Stumbles on innocence sometimes.

CANTO III.
THE ARGUMENT.
The scattered rout return and rally,
Surround the place ; the knight does sally,
And is ma.de prisoner : then they seize
Th' enchanted fort by storm, release
Crowdero, and put the squire in's place :
I should have first said Hudibras.
Ay me ! what perils do environ
The man that meddles with cold iron !
What plaguy mischiefs and mishaps
Do dog him stiU with after-claps !
For thoughjlame Fortune seem to smile,
And leer upon hira tor a while.
She'll after, show hira, in the iiick,-
Of all his glories, a dog-trick.
This any raan may sing or say
I' th' ditty caUed, ' What if a day ? '
For Hudibras, who thought he 'ad won
The field, as certain as a gun.
And having routed the whole troop.
With victory was cock-a-hoop ;
Thinking he 'ad done enough to purchase
Thanksgiving-day araong the churches,
Wherein his mettle and brave worth
Might be explained by holder-forth,
And registered by fame eternal.
In deathless pages of diurnal ;
Found in few minutes, to his cost.
He did but count without his host ;
And that a turn-stile is more certain
Than, in events of war, dame Fortune.
For now the late faint-hearted rout,
O'erthrown and scattered round about.
Chased by the horror of their fear.
From bloody fray of knight and bear.

62 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
AU but the dogs, who in pursuit
Of the knight's victory stood to't, '
And most ignobly fought to get
The honour of his blood and sweat,
Seeing the coast was free and clear
O' the conquered and the conqueror,
Took heart again, and faced about,
As if they raeant to stand it out :
For now the half-defeated bear.
Attacked by th' enemy i' th' rear.
Finding their number grew too great
For hira to raake a safe retreat,
Like a bold chieftain faced about ;
But wisely doubting to hold out.
Gave way to fortune, and with haste
Faced the proud foe, and fled, and faced.
Retiring still, until he found
He 'ad got th' advantage of the ground ;
And then as valiantly made head
To check the foe, and forthwith fled.
Leaving no art untried, nor trick
Of warrior stout and politic,
Until, in spite of hot pursuit.
He gained a pass, to hold dispute
On better terms, and stop the course
Of the proud foe. With all his force
He bravely charged, and for a while
Forced their whole body to recoU ;
But still their numbers so increased.
He found himself at length oppressed,
^And all evasions so uncertain,
fo save hiraself for better fortune.
That he resolved, rather than yield,
(/To die with honour in the field,
xVnd sell Tiis hide and carcase at
A price as high and desperate
As e'er he could. This resolution
jHe forthwith put in execution.
And bravely threw himself among
Th' enemy, i' th' greatest throng \
3But what could single valour do,
Against so numerous a foe ?

\i

CANTO ni.] HUDIBRA$. 63
Y6t muchbe did, indeed too much
To be believed, where th' odds were such
But one against a multitude,
' Is more than mortal can rtiake good: ''
For while one party he opposed.
His rear was suddenly enclosed.
And no room lefthim for retreat.
Or fight against a foe so gre'at.
For now the mastiffs,, charging home,
To blows and handy-gripes were come ;
While rnajifully himself he bore.
And, setting his right foot before,
He raised hiraself to show how tall
His person was above them all.
This equal shame and envy stirred
In th', enemy, that one should beard
So many warriors, and so stout.
As, he had done, and staved it out.
Disdaining to lay down his arms.
And yield on honourable terras.
Enraged thus, sorae in the rear
Attacked hira, and sorae everywhere.
Till down he fell ; yet falling fought,
And, being dpwn, stiU laid about ;
As "Widdrington, in doleful duraps.
Is said to fight upon his sturaps.
But all, alas ! had been in .vain,
And he inevitably slain.
If Trulla and Cerdon, in the nick.
To rescue him had not been quick :'
For TruUa, who was light of foot, ,
As shafts which long-field Parthians shoot.
But not ;S0 light as to be borne
Upon the e^rs of standing corn.
Or trip it o'er the water quicker
Than witches, when their staves they liquor,
As sorae report, was got araong
The foremost of the martial throng ;
There pitying the vanquished bear.
She called to Cerdon, who stopd near,
Viewing the bloody fight ; to whom,
'ShaU we,' quoth she, 'stand stiU hum-drum,

64 ¦ HUDIBRAS. [part i.
And see stout bruin, aU alone,
By numbers basely overthrown ?
Such feats already he 'as achieved,
In story not to be believed.
And 'twould to us be shame enough.
Not to attempt to fetch hini off.'
' I would,' quoth he, ' venture a Umb
To second thee, and rescue hira ;
But then we raust about it straight.
Or else our aid will corae too late ;
Quarter he scorns, he is so stout.
And therefore cannot long hold out.'
This said, they waved their weapons round
About their heads, to clear the ground,
And joining forces, laid about
So fiercely, that th' amazed rout
Turned tail again, and straight begun.
As if the devil drove, to run.
Meanwhile th' approached th' place where bruin ¦
Was now engaged to mortal ruin :
The conquering foe they soon assailed.
First Trulla staved, and Cerdon taUed,
Until their mastiffs loosed their hold ;
And yet, alas ! do what they could.
The worsted bear came off with store
Of bloody wounds, but all before :
For as AchiUes," dipped in pond.
Was anabaptized free from wound.
Made proof against dead-doing steel
All over, but the pagan heel ;
So did our champion's arms defend
AU of him but the other end.
His head and ears, which in the martial
Encounter lost a leathern parcel ;
For as an Austrian archduke once
Had one ear, which in ducatoons
Is half the coin, in battle pared
Close to his head, so bruin fared ;
But tugged and puUed on th' other aide,
Like scrivener newly crucified ;
Or Uke the late-coUected leathern
Ears of the circumcisfed brettiren.

|*4ttL

'^1

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 65
But gentle Trulla into th'ring
He wore in's nose conveyed a string,
With which she marched before, and led
The warrior to a grassy be'd.
As authors write, in a cool shade, ij
Which eglantine and roses made ;
Close by ji softly-murmuring stream,
¦WHere lovers used to loll and, dream
There leaving him to his repose,
Securfed from pursuit of foes.
And wanting nothing but a song.
And a well-tuned theorbo hung
Upon a bough to ease the pain
His tugged ears suffered, with a strain.
They both drew up, to raarch in quest
Of his great leader, arid the rest.
For Orsin, who was raore renowned
For stout maintaining of his ground
In standing fights, than for pursuit.
As being not so quick of foot,
Was not long able to keep pace
With others that pursued the chase,
But found himself left far behind.
Both out of heart and out of wind.
Grieved to behold his bear pursued
So basely by a muldtude,
And like tp fall, not by the prowess.
But numbers, of his coward foes.
He raged, and kept as heavy a coil as
Stout Hercules for loss of Hylas ;
Forcing the vallies to repeat
The accents of his sad regret :
He beat his breast, and tore his hair.
For loss pf his dear crony bear ;
That Echo, frorn the hbllow ground.
His doleful wailings did resound
More wistfully, by many times,
Than in «raaU_E.oets .splay-foo.tJrh.ymes,
That make her, in their ruthful stories,
To answer to int'rogatories.
And most unconscionably depose
To things of which she nothing knows ;

HUDIBRAS. [part 'I.
And when she has said aU she can say,
'Tis wrested to the lover's fancy.
Quoth he, ' O whither, wicked Bruin,
Art thou fled ? to my '—Echo, Ruin.
' I thought th' hadst scorned to budge a step
For fear.' Qnoth Echo, Marry guep.
' Am I not here to take thy part ?
Then v^hat has quailed thy stubborn heart?
Have these bones rattled, and this head
So often in thy quarrel bled ?
Nor did I ever winch or grudge it
For thy dear sake.' Quoth she, Mum budget.
' Think'st thou 'twill not be laid i' th' dish
Thou turn'dst thy back ? ' Quoth Echo, Pis/i.
' To run from those th' hadst overcome
Thus cowardly ? ' Quoth Echo, Mum.
' But what a vengeance makes thee fly
From me too, as thine enemy ?
Or, if thou hast no thought of me.
Nor what I have endured for thee.
Yet shame and honour might prevail
To keep thee thus frora turning taU :
For who would grutch to spend his blood in
His honour's cause ? ' Quoth she, A Puddin.
This said, his grief to anger turned,
Which in his manly stomach burned ;
Thirst of revenge, and wrath, in place
Of sorrow, now began to blaze.
He vowed the authors of his woe
Should equal vengeance undergo ;
And with their bones and flesh pay dear
For what he suffered, and his bear.
This be'ng resolved, vidth equal speed
And rage he hasted to proceed
To action straight, and giving o'er
To search for bruin any more.
He went in quest of Hudibras,
To find him out where'er he was ;
And, if he were above ground, vowed
He'd ferret him, lurk where he would.
But scarce had he a furlong on
This resolute adventure gone.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. (5;
When he encountered with' that crew
Whpra Hudibras did late subdue.
Honour, revenge, contempt and sharae,
[Did equaUy their breasts inflame,
I'Mong these the fierce Magnano was,
"And Talgol, foe to Hudibras ;
Cerdon and Colon, warriors stout.
And resolute, as ever fought ;
Whora furious Orsin thus bespoke :
' Shall we,' quoth he, ' thus basely brook
The vile affront that paltry ass.
And feeble scoundrel,. Hudibras,
With that more paltry ragamuffin,
Ralpho, with vapouring an,d huffing, .
Have put upon us, like tarae cattle.
As if th' had routed us in battle ?
For ray part; it shall ne'er be said
I for the washing gave my head :
Npr did I turn my back for fear
Of them, but losing of my bear.
Which now I'ra like to undergo ;
For whether these fell wounds, or no.
He has received in fight, are mortal.
Is more than all my skill can fortel ;
Nor do I know what is become
jOf hira, raore than the PPpe of Rome :
r'But if I can but find thera out
I That caused it, as I shaU no doubt.
Where'er th' in hugger-mugger lurk,
I'll make them rue their handy-work,
And wish that they had rather dared
To pull the devU by the beard.'
Quoth Cerdon, ' Noble Orsin, th' hast
Great reason to do as thou say'st,
And so has every body here,
As well as tliou.hast, or thy bear :
Others may do as they see good ;
But if this twig be made of wood
That will hold tack, I'll make the fur
Fly 'bout the ears of that old cur.
And th' other mongrel vermin, Ralph,
That braved us all in his behalf. " C 3

68 . HUDIBRAS. [part
Thy bear is safe, and out of peril.
Though lugged indeed, and wounded very iU ;
Myself and Trulla made a shift
'To help him out at a dead lift ;
And having brought him bravely off.
Have left him where he's safe enough :
There let him rest ; for if we stay,
The slaves may hap to get away.'
This said, they aU engaged to join
Their forces in the same design,
And forthwith put themselves in search
Of Hudibras upon their march :
Where leave we them a while, to tell
What the victorious knight befel ;
For such, Crowdero being fast
In dungeon shut, we left him last.
Triumphant laurels seeraed to grow
No where so green as on his brow ;
Laden with which, as well as tired
With conquering toU, he now retired
Unto a neighbouring castle by,
To rest his body, and apply
Fit medicines to each glorious bruise
He got in fight, reds, t)lacks, and blues ;
To moUify th' uneasy pang
Of every honourable bang.
Which being by skilful midwife dressed,
He laid him down to take his rest.
But aU in vain : Jie _'ad got a hurt
O' th' inside, of a deadlier sort,
;By "Cupid made, who took his stand
'Upon a widow's jointure land,
For he, in all his amorous battles,
' No 'dvantage finds like goods and chattels,
Drew home his bow, and aiming right,
Let fly an arrow at the knight ;
The shaft against a rib did glance,
And gall hira in the purtenance ;
But time had somewhat 'suaged his pain.
After he found his suit in vain :
For that proud dame, for whom his soul
Was burnt in's belly like a coal,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS.. 69.
That belly that so oft did ache,
And suffer griping for her sake,
TUl purging comfits, and ants' eggs,
Had alraost brought him off his legs.
Used him so like a base rascallion,
That old Pyg — what d' y' call him — malion.
That cut his raistress out of stone.
Had not so hard a hearted one.'
She had a thousand jadish tricks,
Worse than a mule that flings and kicks ;
'Mong which one cross-grained freak she had,
As insolent as strange and mad ;
She could love none but only such
As scorned and hated her as much.
'Twas a strange riddle of a lady ;
Not love, if any loved her : hey day !
So cowards never use their might.
But against such as will not fight.
So sorae diseases have been found
Only to seize upon the sound.
He that gets her by heart, must say her
The back way, like a witch's prayer.
Meanwhile the knight had no sraalLtask
To compass what he durst not ask :
He loves, but dares not make the motion ;
Her ignorance is his d,evotion :
Like caitiff vUe, that for misdeed
Rides with his face to rurap of steed ;
Or rowing scull, he's fain to love.
Look one way, and another move ;
Or like a tumbler, that does play
His game, and looks another way.
Until he seize upon the coney ;
Just so does he by matriraony.
But all in vain ; her subtle snout
Did quickly wind his meaning out ;
Which she returned with too much scorn.
To be by man of honour borne ;
Yet much he bore, untU the distress
He suffered frora his spiteful raistress
Did stir his stomach,'and the pain
He had endured from her disdain

yo ' HUDIBRAS. [parti.
Turned to regret soresolute,
That he resolved to wave his suit.
And either to renounce hef quite,
Or for a whUe play least in sight.
This resolution being put on,
He kept some months, and more had done,
But bqing brought so nigh by fate.
The victory he achieved so late
Did set his thoughts agog, and ope
A door to discontinued hope,
That seemed to promise he might win
His dame too, now his hand was in ;
And that his valour, and the honour
He 'ad newly gained, might work upon her -,
These reasons made his mouth to water
With amorpus longings to be at her.
Thought he, unto hiraself, — Who knows
But this braye conquest o'er my foes
May reach her heart, and make that stoop,
As I but now have forced the troop ?
If nothing can oppugnfe love.
And virtue invious ways can prove.
What may not he confide to do
That brings both love and virtue too ?
But thbu bring'st valour, too, and wit,
,Two things that seldom fail to hit.
' VaJoar's -a raouse-trap, widi a gin,
1 Which woraen oft are taken in :
Then, Hudibras, why shouldst tliou fear
To be, that art a conqueror ?
Fortune the audacious dsi'ih. juvare.
But lets the timidous miscarry : ,
Then, while the honour thou hast got
Is spick and span new, piping hot.
Strike her up bravely thou hadst best,
And trust thy fortune with the rest
Such thoughts as these the knight did keep
More than his bangs, or fleas, from sleep ;
And as an owl, that in a bam
Sees a mouse creeping in the corn.
Sits still, and shuts his round blue eyes.
As if he slept, until he spies

CANTO III. J flUDIBRAS. , yi
The little beast within his reach.
Then starts, and seizes on the wretch ;
So from his couch the knight did start.
To seize upon the widow's heart.
Crying; with hasty tone and hoarse,
'Ralpho, despatch, to horse, to horse!'
And 'twas but time ; for now the rout,
We left engaged to seek hira Put,
By speedy marches were advanced, /
Up to the, fort. where we ensconced.
And all th' avenues had possessed, .
Abput the. place, frora east to west
That done, a whUe they made a halt,.
To view the ground, and where t' assaijit::
Then caUed a councU,: which' was best,
By siege, or onslaught, to invest
The enemy ; and 'twas agreed
By storm ajid onslaught to proceed.
This being resolved, in qomely sort
They now drew up t' attack the fort ;
Wherf) Hudibras, about to;.£nter
Upop/ anotherrgates adventure.
To /Ralpho called aloud to arm,
N^, dreaming of approaching storm.
Wnether dame Fortune, or the care
Of,'angel bad, or tutelar,
D^d arm, or thrust hira on a danger.
To which he was an utter stranger,'
That foresight might, or might not, blot
The glory he had newly got ;
Or to his shame it might be said, :
They took him napping in his bed;.
;,To them we leave it to expound, ,
That deal in sciences profound.
His courser scarce he had bestrid.
And Ralpho that on which he rid.
When setting ope the postern gate,.
Whicb they thought best to sally at.
The foe appeared, drawn up and driUed,
Ready to charge thera in the field.
This soraewhat startled the bold knight,
Surprised with, th' unexpected sight :

72 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
The bruises of his bones and flesh
He thought began to smart afresh ;
Till recollecting wonted courage.
His fear was soon converted to rage.
And thus he spoke : ' The coward foe,
Whora we but now gave quarter to,
Look, yonder 's raUied, and appears
As if they had out-run their fears ;
The glory we did lately get,
The Fates command us to repeat ;
And to their wills we must succumb,
Quocungue trahunt, 'tis our doom.
"This is the sarae numeric crew
Which we so lately did subdue ;
The self-same individuals that
Did run, as mice do frora a cat.
When we courageously did wield
Our martial weapons in the field,
To tug for victory : and when
We shaU our shining blades again
Brandish in terror o'er our heads,
Tliey'U straight resume their wonted dreads.
Fear is an ague, that forsakes
And haunts, by fits, those whora it takes ;
And they'll opine they feel the pain
And blows they felt to-day, again.
Then let us boldly charge them home.
And make no doubt to overcome.'
This said, his courage to inflame,
He called upon his mistress' narae.
His pistol next he cocked a-new.
And out his nut-brown whinyard drew;
And placing Ralpho in the front,
Reserved hiraself to bear the brunt.
As expert warriors use ; then plied.
With iron heel, his courser's side,
Conveying sympathetic speed
From heel of knight to heel of steed.
Meanwhile the foe, with equal rage
And speed advancing to engage.
Both parties now were drawn so close.
Almost to come to handy-blows ;

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 73
When Orsin first let fly 'a stone
At Ralpho ; not so huge a one
As that which Diomed did maul
^neas on the back withal ;
Yet big enough, if rightly hurled,
T' have sent hira to another world,
Whether above ground, or below.
Which saints, twice dipped, are destined to.
The danger startled the bold squire.
And made him some few steps retire ;
But Hudibras advanced to 's aid,
And roused his spirits half dismayed :
He wisely doubting lest the shot
O' th' enemy, now growing hot,
• Might at a distance gall, pressed close
To come, pell-mell, to handy-blows.
And that he might their aim decline.
Advanced still in an oblique line ;
But prudently forebore to fire.
Till breast to breast he had got nigher;
As expert warriors use to do.
When hand to hand they charge their foe.
This order the adventurous knight,
Most soldier-like, observed in fight.
When Fortune, as she's wont, turned fickle,
And for the foe began to stickle.
.The more shame for her goodyship
To give so near a friend the slip.
jFor Colon, choosing out a stone,
.Levelled so right, it thumped upon
'His manly paunch, with such a force.
As almost beat him off his horse.
He loosed his whinyard, and ihe rein.
But laying fast hold on the mane,
(Preserved his seat ; and, as a goose
i In death contracts his talons close,
i So did the knight, and «ith one claw '
. The trigger of his pistol draw.
The gun went off; and as it was
StUl fatal to stout Hudibras,
In all his feats of arras, when least
He dreamt of it, to prosper best.

74

HUDIBRAS. [part I.
So now he fared : the shot, let fly
At random, 'mong the eneray.
Pierced Talgol's gaberdine, and grazing
Upon his shoulder, in the passing
Lodged in Magnano's brass habergeon,
Who straight, 'A surgeon !' cried — 'A surgeon !'
He tumbled down, and, as Tie fell.
Did ' Murther ! murther ! murther ! ' yell.
T'his startled their whole body so.
That if the knight had not let go
His arms, but been in warlike pUght,
He 'ad won, the second time, the fight ;
As, if the squire had but fallen on.
He had inevitably done :
But he, diverted with the care
Of Hudibras his wound, forbare
To press th' advantage of his fortune,
While danger did the rest dishearten.
For he with Cerdon being engaged
In close encounter, they both waged
The fight so well, 'twas hard to say
Which side was like to get the day.
And now the busy work of death
Had tired thera so, they 'greed to breathe.
Preparing to renew the fight
When the disaster of the knight.
And th' other party, did divert
Their fell intent, and forced them part.
Ralpho pressed up to Hudibras,
And Cerdon where Magnano was.
Each striving to confirm his party
With stout encouragements and hearty.
Quoth Ralpho, ' Courage, valiant Sir,
And let revenge and honour stir
Your spirits up ; once more fall on,
The shattered foe begins to run :
For if but half so well you knew
To use your victory as subdue.
They durst not, after such a blow
As you have given thera, face us now ;
But frora so formidable a soldier.
Had fled like crows when they smell powder.

CANTO III.] 'HUDIBRAS. ' 75
Thrice have they seen your sword aloft
Waved o'er their heads, and fled as oft ;
But if you let'thera re-collect
Their spirits, now disraayed and checked,
You'U have a harder ganie to play.
Than yet ye 'ave had,, to get the day.'
Thus spoke the stout squire, but was heard
By Hudibras with sraall regard.
His thoughts were fuller of the bang
He lately took, than Ralph's harangue ;
To which he answered, ' Cruel fate
TeUs me thy counsel comes too late.
The clotted blood within my hose,
That from my wounded body flows,
With mortal crisis doth portend
My days to appropinque an end.
I am for actiori now unfit.
Either of fortitude or wit ;
Fortune, my foe, begins to frown.
Resolved to pull ray stomach down. '
I am not apt, upon a wound.
Or trivial basting, to despond ;,
Yet I'd be loth nay days to curtaU ;
For if I thought my wounds not mortal.
Or that w' had time enough as yet
To make an honourable retreat,
'Twere the best course ; but if they find
We fly, and leave our arras behind
For thera to seize on, the dishonour.
And danger too, is such, I'Al sooner
Stand to it boldly, and take quarter.
To let thera see I ara no starter.
In all the trade of war no feat
Is nobler than a brave retreat :
For those that run away, and fly.
Take place at least o' th' eneray.'
This said', the squire, with active speed,
Dismounted frora his bony steed.
To seize the arms, which, by mischance,
Fell frora the bold knight in a trance.
These being found out, and restored
To Hudibras, their natural lorji,

76 HUDIBRAS. [part
As a man may say, with might and main
He hasted to get up again.
Thrice he essayed to mount aloft ;
But, by his weighty rear, as oft
He was pulled back ; tUl having found
Th' advantage of the rising ground.
Thither he led his warlike steed.
And having placed him right, with speed
Prepared again to scale the beast.
When Orsin, who had newly dressed
The bloody scar upon the shoulder
Of Talgol, with Proraethean powder.
And now was searching for the shot
,;That laid Magnano on the spot.
Beheld the sturdy squire aforesaid
•' Preparing to climb up his horse-side
He left his cure, and laying hold
Upon his arms, with courage bold
Cried out, ' 'Tis now no time to dally.
The enemy begin to rally ;
Let us that are unhurt and whole
Fall on, and happy man he's dole.'
This said, Uke to a thunderbolt.
He flew with fury to th' assault,
Striving tk' enemy to attack
Before he reached his horse's back.
Ralpho was mounted now, and gotten
O'erthwart his beast with active vaulting,
Wriggling his body to recover
His seat, and cast his right leg over ;
When Orsin, rushing in, bestowed
On horse and man so heavy a load.
The beast was startled, and begun
To kick and fling like mad, and run.
Bearing the tough squire, Uke a sack,
Or stout king Richard, on his back;
Till stumbleing, he threw hira down,
Sore bruised, and cast into a swoon.
Meanwhile the knight began to rouse
The sparkles of his wonted prow'ss ;
He thrust his hand into his hose,
And found, both by his eyes and nose,

canto in.] HUDIBRAS.
'Twas only choler, and not blood,
That from his wounded body flowed.
This,' with the hazard of the squire,
Inflamed hira with despiteful ire ;
Courageously he faced about.
And drew his other pistol out,
And now had half way bent the cock.
When Cerdon gave so fierce a shock,
With sturdy truncheon, 'thwart his arm.
That down it fell, and did no harra ;
Then stoutly pressing on with speed,
E-ssayed to pull him off his steed.
The knight his sword had only left.
With which he Cerdon's head had cleft,'
Or at the least cropped off a lirab.
But Orsin carae, and rescued hira.
He with his lance attacked the knight
Upon his quarters opposite :
But as a bark that in foul weather,
Tossed by two adverse winds together.
Is bruised and beaten to and fro.
And knows not which to turn him to ;
So fared the knight between two foes,
, And knew not which of them t' "oppose ;
Till Orsin, charging with his lance
At Hudibras, by spiteful chance
Hit Cerdon such a bang, as stunned
And laid him flat upon the ground.
At this the knight began to cheer up.
And, raising up himself on stirrup,-
Cried out, ' Victoria I lie thou there.
And I shall straight despatch another
, To bear thee corapany in death ;
But first I'U halt a whUe, and breathe.'
As weU he raight ; for Orsin, grieved i
At the wound that Cerdon had received,'
Ran to reUeve him with his lore.
And cure the hurt he gave before.
MeanwhUe the knight had wheeled about.
To breathe hiraself, and next find out
Th' advantage of the ground, where b?st
He might the ruffled foe infest ,

,77

78 ' HUDIBRAS. [pAtd- i.
This being resolved, he spurred his steed,
To run at Orsin with full speed,
While he was busy in the care
Of Cerdon's wound, and unaware ;
But he was quick, and had already
Unto the part appUed remedy ;
And seeing the enemy prepared.
Drew up, and stood upon his guard ;
Then, like a warrior, right expert
And skilful in the martial art,
The subtle knight straight made a halt.
And judged it best to stay th' assault.
Until he had reUeved the squire,
And then, in order, to retire ;
Or, as occasion should invite.
With forces joined renew the fight.
Ralpho, by this time disentranced.
Upon his rear himself advanced.
Though sorely bruised ; his limbs all o'er,
With ruthless bangs were stiff and sore :
Right fain he would have got upon
His feet again, to get him gone ;
When Hudibras to aid him came.
Quoth he, and called him by his name,
' Courage, the day at length is ours.
And we once more, as conquerors,
Have both the field and honour won.
The foe is profligate, and run ;
I mean all such as can, for sorae
This hand hath sent to their long home ;
And some lie sprawling on the ground.
With many a gash and bloody wound.
Cafesar himself could never say.
He got two victories in a day.
As I have done, that can say, twice I,
In one day Vent, vidi, vici.
The foe's so numerous, that we
Cannot so often vincere.
And they perire, and yet enow
Be left to strike an after-blow ;
Then, lest they rally, and once more
Put us to fight the business o'er.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 79
Get up, and mount thy steed; despatch.
And let us both theit motions watch.'
Quoth Ralph, ' I should not, if I were
In case for action, now be here ;
Nor have I turned my back, or hanged
A back, for fear of being banged.
It was for you I got these harras.
Adventuring to fetch off your arms.
The blows and drubs I have received,
Have bruised my body, and bereaved
My limbs of strength : unless you stoop,
And reach your hand to pull me up,
I shall lie here, and be a prey
To those who are now run away.'
' That thou shalt not' quoth Hudibras ;
' We read, the ancients held it 'was
Nore honourable far servare
Civem, than slay an adversary ;
The one we oft to-;day have done,
The other shall despatch anon :
And thougb-th.'- art- of a different church,
I wilTnot-leave thee in, the lurch/
This said, he jogged his good steed nigher,
And steered him gently t'wards the squire;
Then bowing down his body, stretched
His hand out, and at Ralpho reached';
When Trulla, whora he did not raind.
Charged hira like lightening behind.
She had been long in search about
Magnano's wound, to find it out ;
But could find none, nor where the shot
That had so startled him was got :
But having found the worst was passed.
She fell to her own work at last.
The piUage of the prisoners,
Which in all feats of arras was hers ;
And now to plunder Ralph she flew.
When Hudibras his hard fate drew
To succour him ; for as he bowed
To help him up, she laid a load
Of blows so heavy, and placed so well,
On th' .other side, that down he fell.

So HUDIBRAS. [part i.
Vf ield, scoundrel base,' quoth she, ' or die,
Thy life is mine, and liberty ;
But if thou think'st I took thee tardy
And dar'st presume to be so hardy.
To try thy fortune o'er a-fresh,
I'll wave my title to thy flesh.
Thy arms and baggage, now my right.
And if thou hast the heart to try't,
I'U lend thee back thyself a while.
And once more, for that Cfircase vile.
Fight upon tick. ' — Quoth Hudibras,
' Thou offer'st nobly, valiant lass,
And I shall take thee at thy word.
First let me rise and take ray sword ¦,
That sword, which has so oft this day
Through squadrons of my foes made way,
And sorae to other worlds despatched.
Now with a feeble spinster raatched,
Will blush, with blood ignoble stained.
By which no honour's to be gained.
But if thou'lt take ra' advice in this.
Consider, while thou mayst what 'tis
To interrupt a victor's course,
B' opposing such a trivial force.
For if with conquest I come off,
And that I shall do sure enough.
Quarter thou canst not have, nor grace,
By law of arras, in such a case ;
Both which I now do offer freely.'
' I scorn,' quoth she, ' thou coxcomb silly,'
Clapping her hand upon her breech.
To show how much she prized his speech,
' Quarter or counsel from a foe ;
1 If thou canst force me to it, do.
But lest it should again be said,
When I have once more won thy head, '
I took thee napping, unprepared.
Arm, and betake thee to thy guard.'
This said, she to her tackle fell,
And on the knight let fall a peal
Of blows so fierce, and pressed so near.
That he retired, and followed 's rear.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. i
' Stand to't,' quoth she, ' or yield to mercy.
It is not fighting versie-versie '
ShaU sefve they turn.' — This stirred his spleen
More than the danger he was in.
The blows he felt, or was to feel.
Although th' already raade hira reel.
Honour, despite, revenge, and shame.
At once into his stomach came ;
Which fired it so, he raised his arm
Above his head, and rained a storra
Of blows so terrible and thick.
As if he meant to hash her quick.
But she upori her truncheon took thera.
And by oblique diversion broke thera ;
Waiting an opportunity
To pay back all with usury.
Which long she failed not of; for now
The knight with one dead-doing blow.
Resolving to decide the fight
And she with quick and cufining sleight
Avoiding it, the force and weight
He charged upon it was so great,
As almost swayed hira to the ground :
No sooner she th' advantage found,
But in she flew ; and seconding,
With horae-raade thrust, the heavy swing.
She laid hira flat upon his side,
And mounting on his trunk a-stride.
Quoth she, ' I told thee what would come
Of all thy vapouring, base scum.
Say, will the law of arras aUow
I raay have grace, and quarter now?
Or wilt thou rather break thy word,
And stain thine honour, than thy sword ?
A raan of war to daran his soul.
In basely breaking his parole.
And when before the fight, th' hadst vowed
To give no quarter in cold blood ;
Now thou hast got me for a Tartar,
To make m' against my will take quarter';
Why dost not put me to the sword.
But cowardly fly from thy word ? ' '

82 HUDIBRAS. ^^Kln
Quoth Hudibras, 'The day's thine own,-
Thou and thy stars have cast me down :
My laurels are transplanted now.
And flourish on thy conquering brow :
My loss of honour's great enough.
Thou need'st not brand it with a scoff:
Sarcasms may ecUpse thine own,
But cannot blur my lost renown :
I am not now in Fortune's power.
He that is down can fall no lower.
The ancient heroes were illustfous
For being benign, and not blustrous
Against a vanquished foe ; their swords ,
Were sharp and trenchant, not their words ;
And did in fight but cut work out
T' employ their courtesies about '
Quoth she, ' Although thou hast deserved,
Base SlubberdeguUion, to be served
As thou didst vow to deal with me.
If thou hadst got the victory :
Yet I shall rather act a part
That suits my farae, than thy desert
Thy arms, thy liberty, beside
All that's on th' outside of thy hide.
Are mine by military law.
Of which I wUl not bate one straw ;
The rest, thy life and limbs, once more,
Though doubly forfeit, I restore.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' It is too late
For me to treat or stipulate ;
What thou comraand'st I must obey ;
Yet those whom I expunged to-day.
Of tTiine own party, I let go,
And gave them life and freedom too.
Both dogs and bear, upon their parole.
Whom I took prisoners in this quarrel'
Quoth TruUa, ' Whether thou or they
Let one another run away.
Concerns not me ; but was't not thou
That gave Crowdero quarter too ?
Crowdero whom in irons bound.
Thou basely threw'st into Lob's pound.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. ^^
Where stiU he Ues, and with regret '
His generous bowels rage and fret ;
Biit now thy carcase shall redeem.
And serve to be exchanged for hira.'
This said, the knight did straight submit
And laid his weapons at her feet :
Next he disrobed his gaberdine.
And witU it did himself resign.
She took. it, and forthwith divesting
The mantle that she wore, siid jeSting,
' Take that, and wear it for my sake ; '
Then threw it o'er his sturdy back :
tjAnd as the Frendh, we conquered once,
Now-give us laws for pantaloons,
I The length of breeches, and the gathers,
I Port-cannons, periwigs and feathers,
' Just so the proud, insulting lass
' Arrayed and dighted Hudibras.
Meanwhile the other champions, erst
In hurry of the fight dispersed.
Arrived, when Trulla won the day,
To share i' th' honour and the prey,
And out of HudilDras his hide.
With vengeance to be satisfied ;
Which now they were about to pour
Upon him in a wooden shower ;
But TruUa thrust herself between.
And striding o'er his back again,
She brandished o'er her head his sword.
And vowed they should not break her word ;
Sh' had given him quarter, and her blood.
Or theirs, should make that quarter good ;
For she was bound, by law of arms.
To see hira safe frora further harms.
In dungepn deep Crowdero cast
By Hudibras, as yet lay fast,
Where, to the hard and ruthless stones,
His great hea.rt raade perpetual moans :
Hita she resolved that Hudibras
Should ransPm, and supply his place.
This stopped their fury, and the basting
Which towards Hudibras was hasting.

84 HUDIBRAS. [parti.
They thought it was but just and right.
That what she had achieved in fight
She should dispose of how she pleased ;
Crowdero ought to be released :
Nor could that any way be done
So well as this she pitched upon :
For who a better could imagine ?
This therefore they resolved t' engage in,
The knight and squire first they made
Rise frora the ground where they were laid,
Then raounted both upon their hacks.
But with their faces to the backs.
Orsin led Hudibras's beast.
And Talgol that which Ralpho pressed ;
Whom stout Magnano, valiant Cerdon,
And Colon, waited as a guard on ;
All ushering Trulla, in the rear.
With th' arms of either prisoner.
In this proud order and array
They put theraselves upon their way,
Striving to reach th' enchanted castle,
Where stout Crowdero in durance lay still.
Thither, with greater speed than shows,
And triumph over conquered foes
Do use f allow, or than the bears,
Or pageants borne before lord-mayors.
Are wont to use, they soon arrived.
In order, soldier-like contrived ;
Still marching in a warlike posture.
As fit for battle as for muster.
The knight and squire they first unhorse.
And bending 'gainst the fort their force.
They all advanced, and round about
Begirt the magical redoubt
Magnan' led up in this adventure.
And raade way for the rest to enter :
For he was skilful in black art.
No less than he that built the fort.
And with.an iron mace laid flat
A breach, which straight all entered at,
-And-in the wooden dungeon found
Crowdero laid upon the ground i

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 85
Hinj tkey release from durance base,
^Restored t' his fiddle and his case,
And liberty, his thirsty rage
With luscious vengeance to assuage ;
For he no sooner was at large.
But Trulla straight brought on the charge,
I And in the self-sarae lirabo put
' The knight and squire, where he was shut ;
Where leaving thera in th' wretched hole.
Their bangs and durance to condole.
Confined and conjured into narrow
Enchanted mansion, to know sorrow.
In the same order and array
Which they' advanced, they raarched away,:
But Hudibras, who scorned to stoop
To fortune, or be said to droop.
Cheered up hiraself with ends of verse.
And sayings of phUosophers. -
Quoth he, ' Th' one half of man, his mind.
Is, sui juris, unconfined.
And cannot be laid by the heels,
"Whate'ef the other moiety feels.
'Tis not restraint, or liberty,
That makes men prisoners or free ;
But perturbations that possess
The mind, or equanimities.
The whole world was not half so wide
To Alexander, when he cried.
Because he had but one to subdue.
As was a paltry narrow tub to
Diogenes • who is not said.
For aught that ever I could read.
To whine, put finger i' th' eye, and sob.
Because h' had ne'er another tub.
The ancients made two several kinds
Of prowess in heroic minds.
The active and the passive valiant.
Both which are pari libra gallant ;
For both to give blows, and to carry,
In fights are equi-necessary :
But in defeats, the passive stout
Are always found to stand it out

86 HUDIBRAS. [part i.
Most desperately, and to out-do
The active, 'gainst a conquering foe :
Though we with blacks and blues are suggiUed,
Or, as the vulgar say, are cudgelled ;
He that is valiant, and dares fight,
Though drubbed, can lose no honour by't.
Honour's a lease for lives to come.
And cannot be extended from
The legal tenant : 'tis a chattel
Not to be forfeited in battle.
If he that in the field is slain.
Be in the bed of honour lain.
He that is beaten may be said
To lie in honour's truckle-bed.
f'or as we see th' eclipsfed sun
By mortals is more gazed upon
Than when, adorned with all his light,
He shines in serene sky most bright ;
So valour, in a low estate.
Is most admired and wondered at.'
Quoth Ralph, ' How great I do not know
We may, by being beaten, grow ;
But none that see how here we sit,
Will judge us overgrown with wit.
As gifted brethren, preaching by
A carnal hour-glass, do imply
Illumination can convey
Into them what they have to say.
But not how much ; so well enough
Know you to charge, but not draw off.
For who, without a cap and bauble.
Having subdued a bear and rabble,
And might with honour have come off,
Would put it to a Second proof;
A poUtic exploit, right fit
For presbyterian zeal and wit'
Quoth Hudibras, ' That cuckoo's tone,
Ralpho, thou always harp'st upon :
When thou at any thing wouldst rail,
Thou mak'st presbytery thy scale
To take the height on't, and explain
To what degree it is profane;

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. I '87
Whats'ever wiU not with — thy — what-d'-ye-call
Thy light — ^jurap right, thou call'st synodical :
As if presbyt'ry were a standard
To size whats'eve'r's to be slandered.
Dost not remeraber how this day
Thou to ray beard was bold to say,
That thou couldst prove bear-baiting equal
With synods, orthodox and legal ?
Do, if thou canst, for I deny't,
And dare thee to't with all thy light.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Truly that is no
Hard matter for a man to do.
Thai; has but any guts in's brains,
And could believe it worth his pains ;
But since you dare and urge me to it,
You'll find I've light enough to do it
/' Synods are mystical bear-gardens.
Where elders, deputies, church-wardens.
And other members of the court.
Manage the Babylonish sport ;
F'or prolocutor, scribe, and Ijear- ward,
DD-4iff&E,caxLy_in. a mere word.
, Both are but several synagogues
j Of carnal men, and bears and dogs :
I Both antichristian assemblies,
'To mischief bent, as far's in them lies :
; Both stave and tail with fierce contests,
! The one with men, the other beasts.
, I The difference is, the one fights with
¦ I The tongue,^ the other with the teeth ;
And that they bait but bears in this.
In th' other, souls and consciences ;
Where saints themselves are broaght to stake
For gospel-light arid conscience' sake ;
I Exgosed.to scribes and presbyters,
< \ Instead of mastiff dogs and curs ;
Than whom they 'ave less huraanity.
For these at souls of men will fly.
This to the prophet did appear.
Who in a vision saw a bear.
Prefiguring the beastly- rage
Of church-rule,, in . this latter age :

88 ' HUDIBRAS. [pARt I,
As is demonstrated at full
By him that baited the pope's buU.
Bears naturally are beasts of prey.
That live by rapine ; so do they.
What are their orders, constitutions,
ChUTclFcerisiif es, ciTf ses, absolutions.
But several mystic chains they raake,
To tie "pdofClifistiaris to the stake ?
And then set heathen officers.
Instead of dogs, about their ears.
For to prohibit and dispense.
To find oul, or to raake offence ;
Of hell and heaven to dispose,
To play with souls at fast and loose ;
To~s"e"FwEat""characters they please.
And raulcts on sin or godliness ;
Reduce the church to gospel-order,
By rapine, sacrUege, and murder ;
To make presbytery supreme.
And kings themselves subrait to them ;
And force all people, though against
Their consciences, to turn saints ;
Must prove a pretty thriving trade.
When saints monopolists are made :
When pious frauds, and holy shifts,
Are dispensations, and gifts ;
There godliness- biecomes mere ware,
And ev'ry synod but a fair.
Synods are whelps o' th' Inquisition,
A raongrel breed of like pernicion.
And growing up, becarae the sires
Of scribes, coraraissioners, and triers ;
Whose business is, by cunning sleight,
Td cast a figure for men's light ;
To find, in lines of beard and face.
The physiognomy of grace ;
And by the sound and twang of nose.
If all be sound within, disclose.
Free from a crack, or flaw of sinning,
As men try pipkins by the ringing ;
By black caps miderlaid with white,
Give certain guess at inward light ;

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 8t)
Which Serjeants at the Gospel wear.
To make the sp'ritual calling clear.
The handkerchief about the neck —
Canonical cravat of smeck,
Frora whom the institution carae,
When church and state they set on flame,
And worn by thera as badges then
Of spiritual warfaring-raen —
Judge rightly if regeneration
Be of the newest cut in fashion :
Sure 'tis an orthodox opinion.
That grace is founded in dorainion.
Great piety consists in pride ;
To rule is to be sanctified :
Tb domineer, and to control
Both o'er the body and the soul.
Is the raost perfect discipline
Of church-rule, and by right divine.
Bel and the Dragon's chaplains were
More moderate than these by far :
Fpr they, poor knaves, were glad to cheat.
To get their wives and children meat ;
But- these wUl not be fobbed off so.
They must have wealth and povver too.
Or else with blood and desolation.
They'll tear it out o' th' heart o' th' nation.
Sure these themselves- from primitive
And heathen priesthood do derive.
When butchers were the only clerks.
Elders and presbyters of kirks ;
Whose directory was to kill ;
And some believe it is so scUl.
The only difference is, that then
They slaughtered only beasts, now men.
For then to sacrifice a buUock,
Or, now and then, a child to Moloth,
They count a vile abomination.
But not to slaughter a whole nation.
Presbytery does but translate
The papacy to a free state,
A common-wealth of popery.
Where every village is a see

90

HUDIBRAS. [part
As weU as Rome, and must maintain '
A tithe-pig metropolitan ;
Where every presbyter and deacon
Commands the keys for cheese and bacon ;
And every haralet's governed
By's holiness, the church's head,
More haughty and severe in's place,
Than Gregory and Boniface.
Such church raust, surely, be a monster
With many heads : for if we conster
What in th' Apocalypse we find.
According to th' Apostle's mind,
'Tis that the Whore of Babylon
With raany heads did ride upon ;
Which heads denote the sinful tribe
Of deacon, priest, lay-elder, scribe.
Lay-elder, Siraeon to Levi,
Whose little finger is as heavy
As loins of patriarchs, prince-prelate.
And bishop secular. This zealot
Is of a mongrel, diverse kind.
Cleric before, and lay behind ;
A lawless luisey-woolsey brother.
Half of one order, half another ;
A creature of araphibious nature,
On land a beast, a fish in water ;
That always preys on grace, or sin ;
A sheep without, a wolf within.
This fierce inquisitor has chief
Dorainion over men's belief .
And manners ; can pronounce a saint
Idolatrous, or ignorant.
When supercUiously he sifts.
Through coarsest bolter, others' gifts :
For all raen live and judge amiss,
jWhose talents jump not just with his.
IHe'll lay on gifts with hands, and place
On duUest noddle light and grace,
The manufacture of the kirk.
Whose pastors are but th' handiwork
Of his mechanic paws, instilUng
Divinity in them by feeling :

CANTO HI.] , HUDIBRAS.

91

From whence, they start up chosen vessels,
IVf ade by contact, as men get measles.
So cardinals, they say, do grope
At th' other end the new-made pope.'
' Hold, hold,' quoth Hudibras, ' soft fire.
They say, does make sweet malt Good squire,
jFestina lente, not too fast ;
For haste, the proverb says, makes waste!
The quirks and cavils thou dost make
Are false, and built upon mistake :
And I shall bring you, with your pack
Of fallacies, t' elenchi back ;
And put your arguments in raood
And figure to be understood.
I'll force you by right ratiocination
To leave your vitilitigation.
And make you keep to th' question close,
And argue dialecficas.
The question then, to state it first,
(Is, which is better or which worst.
Synods or bears ? bears I avow
To be the worst, and synods thou.
But to make good th' assertion,
Thou say'st th' are really all one.
If so, not worst; for if they're idem.
Why then tantundemrdat-iantidem. >
For if they are the same, by course
Neither is better, neither worse.
But I deny they are the same.
More than a maggot and I am.
That both are animcdia
I grant, but not rationalia ;
For though they db agree in kind,
Specific diffef ence we find.
And can no more make bears of these,
Than prove my horse is Socrates.
That synods are bear-gardens too,
.Thou dost affirm ; but I say. No :
And thus I prove it, in a word ;
Whats'ever assembly's not empowered
To censure, curse, absolve, and Ordain,
Can be no synod; but bear-garden'

92 ¦ HUDIBRAS. [parti.
Has no such power, ergo 'tis none ;
And so thy sophistry's o'erthrown.
But yet we are beside the question
Which thou didst raise the first contest on ;
For that was, whether bears are better
Than synod-men ? I say Negatur.
[¦ That bears are beasts, and synods men,
la held by all :. they're better then.
For bears and dogs on four legs go.
As beasts ; but synod-men on two.
'Tis true they all have teeth and nails ;
But prove that synod-men have tails ;
Or that a rugged shaggy fur
Grows o'er the hide of presbyter ;
Or that his snout and spacious ears
Do hold proportion with a bear's.
A bear's a savage beast, of all
Most ugly and unnatural.
Whelped without form, until the dam
Has licked it into shape and frame :
But all thy light can ne'er evict,
That ever synod-man was Ucked,
Or brought to any other fashion
tjThan his own will and inclination.
But thou dost further yet in this
Oppugn thyself and sense ; that is.
Thou wouldst have presbyters to go
For bears and dogs, and bear-wards too:
A strange chirasera of beasts and rnen.
Made up of pieces het'rogene ;
Such as in Nature never met.
In eodetn subjecto yet.
Thy other arguraents are all
Supposures hypothetical.
That do but beg ; and we may choose
Either to grant them or refuse.
^Tich thou hast said, which I know when,
[And where thou stol'st from other men,
; Whereby 'tis plain thy light and gifts
I Are all but plagiary shifts;
And is the same that Ranter said
Who, arguing with me, broke my head.

CANTO' III.] HUDIBRAS. 93
And tore a handful of my beard ;
The self-same cavils then I heard,
When b'ing in hot dispute about
This controversy, we fell out ;
And what thou know'st I answered then
Will serve, to answer thee again.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Nothing but th' abuse
Of human learning you produce ^
Learning, that cobweb of the brain,
j Profane, erroneous, and vain;'
[a trade of knowledge as replete.
As others are with. fraud and cheat ;
An art t' incumber gifts and wit.
And render both for nothing-fit ;
' I'Makes light unactive, dull and troubled,
iLike little David in Saul's doublet :
A cheat that scholars put upon ,
Other raen's reason and their own ;
, A sort of error, to ensconce
Absurdity and ignorance.
That renders all the avenues
*ro truth impervious, and abstruse.
By making plain things, fn debate,
' By art perplexed, and intricate ;
, For nothing goes for sense or light.
That wiU not with old rules jump right ;
.As if rules were not in the schools
Derived frora truth, but truth from rules.
This pagan, heathenish invention
;ls good for nothing but contention.
For as in sword-and-buckler fight,
All blows do on the target light ;
So when meu argue, the great'st -part
I p' the contest falls on terras of art,
\ Until the fustian stuff be spent,
' And then they fall to th' arguraent.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' Friend Ralph, thou hast
Out-run the constable at last :
For thou art fallen on a new
Dispute, as senseless as untrue.
But to the fPrmer opposite,
And contrary as black to white ;

94 HUDIBRAS. '[p.a.rt1.
Mere disparata, that concerning
Presbytery, this human learning ;
Two things s' averse, they never yet.
But in thy rambJing.fancy,.met.
But I shall take a fit occasion
T' evince thee by' ratiocination.
Some other tirae, in place more proper
Than this we're in ; therefore let's stop here,
And rest our wearied bones a while.
Already tired with other toil'

PART IL—CANTO I.
THE ARGUMENT.
The knight, being clapped by th' heels in prison,
The lastj unhappy expedition,
Love brmgs his action on the case.
And lays it upon Hudibras. .
How he receives the lady's visit,
And cunningly solicits his suit.
Which she defers ; yet on parole.
Redeems him from th' enghanted hole.
But now, t' observe romantique raethod.
Let rusty steel a while be sheathed ;
And all those harsh and rugged sounds
Of bastinados, cuts, and wounds,
Exchanged to love's raore gentle style,
,To let our r.eader breathe a while :
In which, that we raay be as brief as
Is possible, l?y wAy of preface.
Is't not enough to inake one strange.
That sorae men's fancies should ne'er change.
But make all pepple do and say
The sarae things stUl the self-sarae way ?
Some writers make all ladies purloined.
And knights pursuing like a whirlwind.
Others make aU their knights, in fits
i Of jealousy, to lose their wits;
,'TUl drawing blood o' th' dames, like witches,
i They're forthwith cured of their capriches.
Some always thrive in their amours.
By pulling plasters off their sores ; >
As cripples do to get an alms.
Just do so they, and win their dames.
Some force whole regions, in despite
O' geography; to change their site ;
Make former tiiries shake hands with latter,
And that which was before; come after ;

p6 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
jBut those that write in rhyme stiU make
jThe one verse for the other's sake ;
(For one for sense, and one for rhyme,
I think's sufficient at one tirae.
Be we forget in what sad plight
We whilom left the captived knight
And pensive squire, both bruised in body.
And conjured into safe custody.
Tired with dispute, and speaking Latin,
As well as basting and bear-baiting.
And desperate of any course,
To free hiraself by wit or force.
His only solace was, that now
• His dog-bolt fortune was so low.
That either it raust quickly end.
Or turn about again, and mend ;
In which he found th' event, no less
Than other times, beside his guess.
"There is a tall long-sided dame, —
But wondrous light, ycleped Fame,
That like a thin chameleon boards
Herself on air, and eats her words ;
Upon her shoulders wings she wears
Like hanging sleeves, lined through with ears,
And eyes, and tongues, as poets list.
Made good by deep raythologist :
With these she through the welkin flies,
And sometimes carries truth, oft lies ;
With letters hung, like eastern pigeons,
And Mercuries of furthest regions ;
Diurnals writ for regulation
Of lying, to inform the nation.
And by their public use to bring down
The rate of whetstones in the kingdom ;
About her neck a pacquet-mail.
Fraught with advice, sorae fresh, sorae stale.
Of raen that walked when they were dead,
And cows of raonsters brought to bed :
Of hailstones big as pullets' eggs.
And puppies whelped with twice two legs ;
A blazing-star seen in the west,
By six or seven men at least

CANTO I.] HUblBRAS. 9^
' Two trurapets she does sound at once.
But both of clean contrary tones ;
But whether both with the sarae wind,
Or one before, and one behind.
We know not only this can tell.
The one sounds vUely, th' other well ;
And therefore vulgar authors name
Th' one Good, th' other EvU Farae.
This tattling gossip knew too well.
What raischief Hudibras befel ;
And straight the spiteful tidings bears
Of all, to th' unkind widow's ears.
I Democritus ne'er laughed so loud,
'To see bawds carted" through the crowd,
I Or funerals with stately pomp,
March slowly on in soleran durap,
' As sbe laughed out, until her back.
As well as sides, was like to crack.
She vowed she would go see the fight.
And' visit the distressed knight
To do the office of a neighbour.
And be a gossip at his labour ;
And frora his wooden jail, the stocks.
To set at large his fetter-locks.
And by exchange, parole, or ransom,
To free hira frora th' enchanted mansion.
This being resolved, she caUed for hood
And usher, iraplements abroad.
Which ladies wear, beside a slender
Young waiting dafiisel to attend her.
All which appearing, on she went
To find the knight, in lirabo pent.
And 'twas not long before she found
Him, and his stout squire, in the pound ;
Both coupled in enchanted tether.
By further leg behind together ; '
For as he sat upon his rurap.
His head, like one in doleful dump,
Between his knees, his hands applied
Unto his ears on either side.
And by hira, in another hole.
Afflicted Ralpho, cheek by jowl,

gg HUDIBRAS. [part iI.
She came upon him in his wooden
Magician's circle, on the sudden.
As spirits do t' a conjurer.
When in their dreadful shapes th' appear.
No sooner did the knight perceive her.
But straight he fell riito a fever,
Inflamed all over with disgrace,
To be seen by her in such a place ;
Which raade hira hang his head, and scowl,
And wink, and goggle like an owl ;
He felt his brains begin to swim,_
When thus the Dame accosted him.
' This place,' quoth she, ' they say's enchanted.
And with delinquent spirits haunted ;
That here are tied in chains, and scourged.
Until their guilty crimes be purged :
Look, there are two of them appear.
Like persons I have seen somewhere :
Sorae have mistaken blocks and posts
For spectres, apparitions, ghosts.
With saucer-eyes, and horns ; and some
Have heard the devil beat a drum :
But if our eyes are not false glasses.
That give a wrong account of faces,
That beard and I shonld be acquainted.
Before 'twas conjured and enchanted ;
For though it be disfigured somewhat,
As if 't had lately been in combat.
It did belong to a worthy knight,
Howe'er this goblin is come by't.'
When Hudibras the Lady heardj
Discoursing thus upon his beard,
And ,speak with such respect and honour.
Both of the beard and the beard's owner.
He thought it best to set as good
A face upon it as he could.
And thus he spoke : ' Lady, your bright
And radiant eyes are in the right ;
The beard's th' identique beard you knew,
The sarae numerically true ;
Nor is it worn by fiend or elf,
But its proprietor iiimself.'

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. c)9
, ' O heavens 1 ' quoth she, ' can that be true ? .
I do begin tp fear 'tis you ,; .'
Not by your individual whiskers, •
'iBut by your dialect and discourse,
'That never spoke to man or beast
In notions vulgarly expressed :
'But what malignant star, alas !
Has brought you both to this sad pass ? '
Quoth he, ' The fortune of the war,
Which I am less afflicted for,
Than to be seen with beard and face
By you in such a homely case.'
Quoth she, ' Those need not be asharaed
For being honourably maimed ;
If he that is in battle conquered.
Have any title to his own beard,
Though yours be sorely lugged and torn,
It does your visage more adorn
.Than if 'twere pruned, and starched, and landered.
And cut square by the Russian standard.
A torn beard's like a tattered ensign,
[That's bravest which there are most rents in.
|That petticoat about your shoulders,
Does not so well become a soldier's ;
And I'm afraid they are worse handled.
Although i' th' rear, your beard the van led ;
And those uneasy bruises make
My heart for company to ache.
To see so worshipful a friend
I' th' pUlory set, at the wrong end.'
Quoth Hudibras, ,' This thing caUed pain,
' Is, as the learned stoics maintain,
Not bad simpliciter, nor good.
But raerely as 'tis understood.
; Sense is deceitful^ and may feign
As well in counterfeiting pain
As other gross phcenomenas
Iri which it oft mistakes the case;
But since th' immortal intellect, .
¦That's free from error and defect,
\Vhose objects still persist the same,
Is free frora outward bruise or maim, D 2

100 - HUDlBkAS. [part if.
Which nought external can expose
To gross material bangs or blows.
It follows we can ne'er be sure
Whether we pain or not endure ;
And just so far are sore and grieved.
As by the fancy is beUeved.
Some have been wounded with conceit,
And died of mere opinion straight ;
Others, though wounded sore in reason.
Felt no contusion, nor discretion.
A Saxon Duke did grow so fat.
That mice, as histories relate.
Ate grots and labyrinths to dwell in
His postique parts, without his feeling :
Then how is't possible a kick
Should e'er reach- that way to the quick ? '
Quoth she, ' I grant it is in vain.
For one that's basted to feel pain ;
Because the pangs his bones endure.
Contribute nothing to the cure ;
Yet honour hurt, is wont to rage
With pain no raedicine can assuage.'
Quoth he, ' That honour's very sqtieahiish.
That takes a basting for a bleraish :
For what's raore honourable than scars.
Or skin to tatters rent in wars ?
Some have been beaten till they know
What wood a cudgel's of by th' blow ;
Sorae kicked, until they can feel whether
A shoe be Spanish or neat's leather ;
And yet have met, after long running.
With some whom they have taught that cunning.
The furthest way about, t' o'ercome.
In th' end does prove the nearest horae.
By laws of learned duellists.
They that are bruised with wood, or fists.
And think one beating may for once
Suffice, are cowards and poltroons ;
But if they dare engage t' a second.
They're stout and gallant fellows reckoned.
Th' old Romans freedom did bestow.
Our princes worship, with a blow :

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. IOI
King Pyrrhus cured his splenetic
And testy courtiers with a kick.
The Negus, when sorae raighty lord
Or potentate's to be restored,
And pardoned for sorae great offence,
"With which he's wiUing to dispense.
First has hira laid upon his belly.
Then beaten back and side, t' a jelly ;
That done, he rises, humbly bows,
And gives thanks for the princely blows ;
Departs not meanly proud, and boasting
Of his. raagnificent rib-roasting.
The beaten soldier proves raost hianful,
'prhat, like his sword, endures the anvil,
And justly's held raore forraidable.
The raore his valour's raaUeable :
But he that fears a bastinado.
Will run aWay from his own shadow :
And though I'm now in durance fast.
By our own party basely cast
Ransora, exchange, parole, refused.
And worse than by the en'ray used ;
In close catasta shut, past hope
Of wit or valour to elope ;
As beards, the nearer that they tend
To th' earth, still grow raore reverend ;
And cannons shoot the higher pitches,
The lower we let down their breeches ;
I'll make this low dejected fate
Advance rae to a greater height.'
Quoth she, ' You 'ave alraost made m' in love
- With that which did my pity move.
liGreat wits and valours, like great states,
(Do sometiraes sink with their own weights :
Th' extremes of glory and of shame,
'iEike east and west, become the sarae.
No Indian Prince has to his palace .
More foUowers than a thief to the gallows.
But if a beating seem so brave.
What glories raust a whipping have ?
Such great achieveraents cannot fail
To cast salt on a woman's tail :

too ^ HUDIBRAS. X'^-^^'^' ^'^
For if I thought your natural talent
Of passive courage were so gallant.
As you strain hard to have it though
I could grow amorous and dote.'
When Hudibras this language heard.
He pricked up 's ears, and stroked his benrd ;
Thought he, this is the lucky hour,
Wines work when vines are in the flower :
This crisis then I'll set ray rest on,
And put her boldly to the question.
' Madam, what you would seem to doubt
Shall be to all the world raade out
How I've been drubbed, and with what spirit.
And raagnaniraity, I bear it;
And if you doubt it to be true,
I'll stake myself down against you ;
And if I fail in love or troth,
Be you the winner, and take both.'
Quoth she, ' I've heard old cunning' stagers
Say, fools for arguments use wagers.
And though I praised your valour, yet
I did not mean to baulk your wit.
Which, if you have, you raust needs know
What I have told you before now.
And you b' experiment have proved,
jl cannot love where I'm beloved.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' Tis a caprich
Beyond th' infliction of a witch ;
So cheats to play with those still aim.
That do not understand the game.
Love in your heart as idly burns.
As fire in antique Roman urns.
To warra the dead, and vainly light
Those only that see nothing by't
HaVe you not power to entertain.
And render love for love again ?
As no man can draw in his breath
At once, and force out air beneath.
Or do you love yourself so much.
To bear all rivals else a grutch ?
What fate can lay a greater curse
Than you upon yourself would force ;

CANTO I.] HU'DIBRAS'. ; 103
For wedlpclc without, loye, sorne say.
Is but a lock without a key.
[It is a kind of rape to marry
One that neglects, or cares not for ye .:
For what does make it ravishment
But being against the mind's consent?
A rape, that is the more inhuraan.
For being acted by a woman.
Why are you fair, but to entice us
To love you, that you may despise us?
But though you cannot love, you say,
Out, of your own fanatic way.
Why should you not, at least, allow
Those that love you, to do so too ?
For, as you fly me, and pursue
Love raore averse, so I do you ;
And am, by your own doctrine, taught
To practise what you call a fault.'
Quoth she, ' If what you say be true.
You must fly me, as I do you :
But 'tis not what we do, but say.
In love, and preaching, that raust sway.'
Quoth he, ' To bid me not to love.
Is to forbid my pulse to move.
My beard to grow, ray ears to prick up,
Or, when I'm in a fit, to hiccup :
Coraraand rae to put out the raoon.
And 'twill as easily be done.
Love's power's too great to be withstood ,
By feeble human flesh and- blood.
'Twas he that brought upon his knees
The hectoring kill-cow Hercules ; ¦ '
Reduced his leaguef-lion's skin
T' a petticoat, and made him spin ;
Seized on his club, and made it dwindle
T' a feeble distaff, and a spindle.'
Quoth she, ' If love have these effects.
Why is it not forbid our sex ?
Why is't not damned, and interdicted,
' For diabolical and wicked ?
And sung, as out of tune, against.
As Turk and Pope are by the saints ?

104 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
I find, I've greater reason for it.
Than I believed before t' abhor it'
Quoth Hudibras, ' These sad effects.
Spring from your heathenish neglects
Of love's great power, which he return^
Upon yourself with equal scorns ;
And those who worthy lovers slight
Plagues with preposterous appetite.'
Quoth she, ' These judgments are severe,
Yet such as I should rather bear.
Than trust men with their oaths, or prove
Their faith and secrecy in love.'
Says he, ' There is as weighty reason
For secrecy in love, as treason.
Love is a "burglarer, a felon
That at the windore-eye does steal in.
To rob the heart, and with his prey.
Steals out again a closer way,
Which whosoever can discover.
He's sure, as he deserves, to suffer.
Love is a fire, that burns and sparkles
In men, as naturally as in charcoals,
Which sooty chemists stop in holes.
When out of wood they extract coals ;
So lovers should their passions choke,
That though they burn, they may not smoke.
'Tis like that sturdy thief that stole.
And dragged beasts backwards into 's hole ;
So love does lovers, and us men
Draws by the tails into his den.
That no impression riiay discover.
And trace t' his cave the wary lover.
But if you doubt I should reveal
What you entrust rae under seal,
I'U prove rayself as close and virtuous
As your own secretary, Albertus.'
Quoth she, ' I grant you may be close
In hiding what your aims propose :
Love-passions are like parables,
By which men still mean something else :
Though love be all the world's pretence,
Money's the mythologique sense,

CANlo I.] - HUDIBRAS. 105
The real substance of the shadow.
Which aU address and courtship's made to.'
Thought he, I understand your play,
And how to quit you your own way ;
He that wiU win his dame, must do
As Love does, when he bends his bow ;
With one hand thrust the lady from.
And with the other pull her home.
, ' I grant,' quoth he, '^ wealth is a great
;Provocative to amorous heat :
;It is all philtres arid high diet,
That makes love rampant, and to fly out :
'Tis beauty always in the flower.
That buds and blossoms at fourscore :
'Tis that by which the sun and raoon.
At their own weapons, are out-done :
That makes knights-errant fall in trances.
And lay about 'era in romances ;
'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all
That men divine and sacred call :
For what is worth in any thing,
But so much money as 'twUl bring ?
Or what but riches is there known,
Whiph man can solely call his own ;
In which no creature goes his half,
Unless it be to squint and laugh ?
I do confess, with goods and land
I'd haVe a wife at second hand ;
And such you are : nor is't your person
My stomach's set so sharp and fierce on ;
' 'But 'tis your better part, your riches,
, That my enamoured heart bewitches :
j Let me your fortune but possess,
And settle your person how you please ;
Or make it o'er in trust to the devil.
You'll find me reasonable and civil.'
Quoth she, ' I like this plainness better
Than false-mock passion, speech, or letter.
Or any feat of qualm or swooning,
But hanging of yourself, or drowning ;
Your only way with me to break
Your mind, is breaking of your neck :

io6 HUDIBRAS. [pARt ii.
For as when merchants break, o'erthrown '
Like nine-pins, they strike others; down ;
So that would break my heart ; which done.
My tempting fortune is your own.
These are but trifles ; every lover
Will damn himself over and over.
And greater matters undertake
For a less worthy mistress' sake :
Yet they're the only ways to prove
Th' unfeigned realities of love ;
For he that hangs, or beats out 's brains,
The devil's in him if he feigns.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' This way's too rough
For mere experiment and proof;
It is no jesting, trivial matter.
To swing i' th' air, or douce in water,
And, Uke a water-witch, try love ;
That's to destroy, and not to prove ;
As if a raan should be dissected,
To find what part is disaffected :
Your better way is to make over.
In trust, your fortune to your lover :
Trust is a trial ; if it break,
'Tis not so desperate as a neck :
Beside, th' experiment's raore certain ;
Men venture necks to gain a fortune :
The soldier does it every day.
Eight to the week, for sixpence pay ;
Your pettifoggers damn their souls.
To share with knaves, in cheating fools ;
And merchants, venturing through the main.
Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain :
This is the way I advise you to.
Trust me, and see what I wUl do.'
Quoth she, ' I should be loth to run
Myself all th' hazard, and you none ;
Which must be done, unless some deed
Of yours aforesaid do precede :
Give but yourself one gentle swing,
!For trial, and I'll cut the string ;
, Or give that reverend head a maul,
' Or two, or three, against a wall ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 107
¦f ¦" ' ' '
jTo show you are a man of mettle.
And I'U engage myself to settle.'
Quoth he, ' My head's not made cf brass.
As Friar Bacon's noddle was,
Nor, like the Indian's skull, so tough,
That, authors say, 'twas musket proof;
As it had need to be to enter,
As yet, on any new adventure ;
You see what bangs it has endured.
That would, before new feats, be cured :
' But if that's aU you stand upon.
Here strike me luck, it shaU be done.'
Quoth she, ' The matter's not so far gone
As you suppose ; two words t' a bargain ;
That rnay be done, and tirrie enough,
When you have given downright proof; ,-
And yet 'tis no fantastic pique
I have to love, nor coy disUke ; ,
'Tis no implicit, nice aversion '
T' your conversation, mien, or person ;
.But a just fear, lest you should prove
False and perfidious in love ; .
For if I thought you could be true,
I cpuld love twice as rauch as you.'
Quoth he, ' My faith as adamantine
As chains of destiny, I'll maintain ;
True as Apollo ever spoke.
Or oracle from heart of oak ;
And if you'll give ray flarae but vent,
Now ill close hugger-mugger pent,
^ And shine upon me but benignly.
With that one, and that other pigsney.
The sun and day shall sooner part,
Than love, or you, shake off ray heart ;
The sun that shall no raore dispense
His -own, but your bright influence ;
I'll carve your narae ori barks of trees,
With true-love-knots, and flourishes ;
That shall infuse eternal spring.
And everlasting flourishing ;
Drink every letter on't in stum.
And raake it brisk charapagne become ;

ro8 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
Where'er you tread, your foot shall set
The pritrirose and the violet ;
All spices, perfumes, and sweet powders.
Shall borrow from your breath their odours ;
Nature her charter shall renew.
And take all lives of things frora you ;
The world depend upon your eye.
And when you frown upon it, die.
Only our loves shall still survive.
New worlds and natures to outlive ;
And, like to herald's raoons, reradn
All crescents, without change or wane.'
' Hold, hold,' quoth she, ' no more of this.
Sir Knight you take your aim amiss ;
For you will find it a hard chapter.
To catch me with poetic rapture.
In which your mastery of art
Doth show itself, and not your heart ;
Nor will you raise in raine combustion.
By dint of high heroic fustian :
Shfe that with poetry is won.
Is but a desk, to write upon ;
And what men say of her, they mean
No more than on the thing they lean.
Some witb Arabian spices strive
T' embalra her cruelly alive ;
Or season her, as French cooks use
Their haut-gouts, bouillions, or ragouts ;
Use her so barbarously ill,
To grind her lips upon a miU,
Until 'C^t facet doublet doth
Fit their rhymes rather than her mouth ;
Her mouth compared t' an oyster's, with
A row of pearl in't, 'stead of teeth ;
Others make posies of her cheeks.
Where red and whitest colours mix ;
In which the lily and the rose,
For Indian lake and ceruse goes.
The sun and moon, by her bright eyes,
Eclipsed and darkened in the skies.
Are but black patches, that she wears,
Cut into suns, and moons, and stars ;

canto' I,] HUDIBRAS.- -109
By which astrologers, as well
As tjiose in heaven above, can tell '
What strange events they do foreshow,
Unto her under-world below. '
Her voice, the music of the spheres,
So loud, it deafens mortals' ears, ,
As wise phUosophers h£ive thought.
And that's the cause we hear it not
This has been done by some, whp those
Th' adored in rhyrae, would kill in prose ;
And in those ribbons would have hung.
Of which melodiously they sung ;
That have the hard fate to write best.
Of those still that, deserve it least ;
It matters not, how false or forced,
So the best things be said o' th' worst ;
It goes for nothing when 'tis said.
Only the arrow's drawn to th' head.
Whether it be a swan or goose
They level at ; so shepherds use
To set the same mark on the hip
Both of their sound and rotten sheep :
For wits that carry low or wide.
Must be aimed higher, or beside
The fnark, which else they ne'er come nigh.
But when they take their aira awry.
But I do wonder you should chuse
This way f'attack me with your muse.
As one cut out tO pass your tricks on.
With fulhams of poetic fiction :
I rather hoped I should no more
Hear frora you o' th' gallanting score :
For hard dry-bastings used to prove
The readiest remedies of love.
Next a dryrdiet ; but if those faU,
Yet this uneasy loop-hPled jail.
In which ye're hampered by the fetlock.
Cannot but put y' in mind of wedlock ;
Wedlock, that's worse than any hole hare,
If that may serve you for a cooler
T' allay your mettle, aU agog
Upon a wife, the heavier clog.

iio HUDIBRAS. I part ii.
Nor rather thank your gentler fate.
That for a bruised or broken pate.
Has freed you frora those knobs that grow
Much harder on the married brow :
But if no dread can cool your courage,
From venturing on that dragon, marriage ;
Yet give me quarter, and advance
To nobler aims your puissance ;
Level at beauty and at wit ;
The fairest mark is easiest hit.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' I am beforehand
In that already, with your command ;
For where does beauty and high wit
But in your constellation, meet ? '
Quoth she, ' What does a match imply,
But likeness and equality ?
I know you cannot think me fit
To be th' yoke-feUow of your wit ;
Nor take one of so mean deserts.
To be the partner of your parts :
A grace which, if I could believe,
I've not tlie conscience to receive.'
' That conscience,' quoth Hudibras,
' Is raisinforraed ; I'll state the case.
A rasn raay be a legal donor
Of any thing whereof he's owner,
And raay confer it where he lists,
I' th' judgment of lall casuists :
Then wit, and parts, and valour may
Be alienated, and raade away.
By, those that are proprietors.
As I raay give or sell ray horse.'
Quoth she, ' I grant the case is true.
And proper 'twixt your horse and you ;
But whether I may take, as well
As you may give away, or seU ?
Buyers, you know, are bid beware ;
And worse than thieves receivers are.
How shall I answer hue and cry.
For a roan-gelding, twelve hands" high,
AU spurred andswitched, a lock on 's hoof,
A sorrel mane ? Can I bring proof

canto' I.] HUDIBRAS. ' m
Where, wheft, by whom, and what y' were sold for,
And in the open market tolled for ?
Or, should I take you for a stray.
You must be kept a year and day.
Ere I can own you, here i' th' pound,
Where, if ye're sought, you may be found ;
And in the mean time I must pay
For all your provender and hay.'
Quoth he, ' It stands me much upon
T' enervate this objection.
Look on this beard,, and tell me whether
Eunuchs wear such, or geldings either ?
Next it appears, I am no horse,
That I can argue and discourse,
"Have but two legs, and ne'er a tail.'
Quoth she, ' That nothing wiU avail ;
,For some philosophers of late here,
'Write men have four legs by nature,
I And that 'tis custora makes them go
H Erroneously upon but two ;
' As 'twas in Germany made good,
B' a boy that lost him.self in a wood ;
Arid growing down t' a man, was wont
With wolves upon all four to hunt.
lAs for your reasons drawn from taUs,
We cannot say they're true or false,
Till you explain yourself, and show
B' experiment 'tis so or no.'
j Quoth he, ' If you'll join issue on't,
I'll give you sat'sfact'ry account;
I So you will promise, if you lose, \
To settle all, and be ray spouse.'
' That never shall be done,' quoth she,
' To one that wants a tail, by me ;
For tails by nature sure were raeant.
As well as beards, for ornaraent ;
' And, though the vulgar count thera horaely,
In raen or beast they are so coraely,
So gentee, alamode, and handsorae,
I'll never marry man that wants one ;
And tUl you can demonstrate plain,
You have one equal to yoUr mane,

112 HUDIBRAS. [part ji.
I'll be torn piece-meal by a horse,
Ere I'll take you for better or worse.
The Prince of Cambay's daily food
Is asp, and basilisk, and toad.
Which raakes hira have so strong a breath.
Each night he stinks a queen to death ;
Yet I shall rather lie in 's arms
Than yours, on any other terms.'
Quoth he, ' What nature can afford
I shall produce, upon my word ;
And if she ever gave that boon
To man, I'll prove that I have one :
I mean by postulate illation.
When you shall offer just occasion ;
But since ye 'ave yet denied to give
My heart your prisoner, a reprieve.
But made it sink down to my heel.
Let that at least your pity feel ;
And for the sufferings of your martyr.
Give its poor entertainer quarter ;
And by discharge, or mainprize, grant
Delivery frora this base restraint.'
Quoth she, ' I grieve to see your leg
Stuck in a hole here like a peg,
And if I knew which way to do't.
Your honour safe, I'd let you out.
That dames by jail-delivery
Of errant knights have been set free,
jWhen by enchantraent they have been,
! And sometiraes for it, too, laid in.
Is that which knights are bound to do
By order, oaths, and honour too ;
For what are they renowned and faraous else.
But aiding of distressed damosels ?
But for a lady, no ways errant.
To free a knight, we have no warrant
In any authentical roraance.
Or classic author yet of France ;
And I'd be loth to have you break
An ancient custora for a freak.
Or innovation introduce
In place of things of antique use.

CANTO 1.] HUDIBRAS . 113
To free your heels by any course
That might b' unwholesorae to your spurs :
Which if I should consent unto.
It is not in tny pOwer to do ;
For 'tis a service must be done ye
With solemn previous cereraony ;
Which always has been used t' untie
The charms of those who here do lie :
For as the ancients heretofore
To honour's temple had no door.
But that which .thorough virtue's lay.
So from this dungeon there's no way
To honoured freedom, but by passing
That other virtuous school of lashing,
Where knights are kept in narrow lists.
With wooden lockets 'bout their wrists ;
In which they for a while are tenants.
And for their ladies suffer penance :
Whipping, that's virtue's governess,
Tutress of arts and sciences ;
That raends the gross mistakes of nature.
And puts new life into dull matter;
That lays foundation for renown.
And all the honours ofthe gown.
This suffered, they are set at large.
And freed with honourable discharge ;
Then, in their robes, the penitentials
Are straight presented- with credentials.
And in their way attended on
By magistrates of every town ;
And, all respect and charges paid.
They're to their ancient seats conveyed.
Now if you'U venture, for my sake,
To try the toughness of your back,
And suffer, as the rest have done,
The laying of a whipping on,
¦ And may you prosper in your suit.
As you with equal vigour dP't,
I here engage to be ypur baU,
And free you from th' uiiknightly jail.
But since our sex's modesty
WiU not allow I shoiild be by,

114 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
Bring me, on oath, a fair account,
And honour too, when you have don't ;
And I'll admit you to the place
You claim as due in my good grace.
If matriraony and hanging go
By dest'ny, why not whipping too ?
What raedicine else can cure the fits
Of lovers, when they lose their wits ?
jLove is a boy, by poets styled,
iThen spare the rod, and spoil the child ;
A Persian eraperor whipped his grannam
The sea, his mother Venus came on ;
And hence some reverend men approve
Of rosemary in making love.
As skilful coopers hoop their tubs
With Lydian and with Phrygian dubs,
Why may not whipping have as good
A grace, performed in time and raood.
With coraely movement, and by art,
Raise passion in a lady's heart ?
It is an easier way to raake
Love by, than that which many take.
Who would not rather suffer whipping,
'.Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon ?
'Make wicked verses, traits, and faces,
: And spell names over, with beer-glasses ?
Be under vows to hang and die
Love's sacrifice, and aU a lie ?
With China- oranges and tarts.
And whining plays, lay baits for hearts ?
Bribe chambermaids with love and raonej',
To break no roguish jests upon ye?
For lilies liraned on cheeks, and roses.
With painted perfumes, hazard noses?
Or, venturing to be brisk and wanton,
Do penance in a paper lantern ?
All this you may compound for now,
By suffering what I offer you ;
Which is no more than has been done
By knights for ladies long agone.
Did not the great La Mancha do so
For the Infanta Del Toboso ?

CANTO i-l HUDIBRAS. 115
Did not th' illustrious Bassa make
Himself a slave for Misse's sake ?
With thong of bull's hide, for her love,
Was tawed as gentle as a glove ? ¦
Was not young Florio sent, to cool
His flarae for Biancafiore, to school.
Where pedant raade his pathic bum
For her sake suffer raartyrdom ?
Did not a certain lady whip,
¦'Of late, her husband's own lordship ?
And though a grandee of the house,
I Clawed hira with fundaraental blows ;
Tied him stark-naked to a bed-post.
And firked his hide, as if she 'ad rid post ;
And after in the sessions court.
Where whipping's judged, had honour for't?
This swear you will perform, and then
I'U set you from th' enchanted den.
And the magician's circle, clear.'
Quoth he, ' I do profess and swear,
And wiU perform what you enjoin.
Or m.ay I never see you mine.'
'Amen,' quoth she, then turned about,
And bid her squire let him out
But ere an artist could be found
T' undo the charras another bound,
The ?un grew low, and left the skies.
Put down, some write, by ladies' eyes ;
The moon puUed off her veil of light.
That hides her face by' day from sight,
Mysterious veil, of brightness niade.
That's both her lustre and her shade.
And in the night as freely shone,
As if her rays had been her own :
For darkness is. the proper sphere
Where all false glories use t' appear.
The twinkling stars began to rauster,.
And glitter with their borrowed lustre,
WhUe sleep the wearied world relieved.
By counterfeiting death revived.
Flis whipping penance, tiU the morn.
Our votary thought it best t' adjourn,

ii6 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
And not to carry on a work
Of such importance in the dark.
With erring haste, but rather stay.
And do't in th' open face of day ;
And in the raean time go in quest
Of next retreat to take his rest

CANTO I L,
THE ARGUMENT.
The knight and squire in hot dispute.
Within an ace of faUing out.
Are parted with a sudden .fright
Of strange alarm, and stranger siglit ;
"With which adventuring to stickle.
They're sent away in nasty pickle.
I
'Tis strange how sorae men's tempers suit
Like bet and brandy, with dispute.
That for their own opinions stand fast
Only to have thera clawed and canvassed ;
That keep their consciences in cases.
As Uddlers do their crowds and bases,
Ne'er to be used, but when they're bent
To play a fit for argument ;
Make true and false, unjust and just.
Of no use but to ht discussed ;
Dispute and set a paradox.
Like a strait boot, upon the stocks.
And stretch it more unmercifully
Than Helraont, Montaigne, White, or TuUy.
So th' ancient Stoics, in their porch.
With fierce dispute raaintained their church,
iBeat out their Drains in fight and study.
To prove that virtue is a body;
; That bonum is an aniraal,
Made good with stout polemic brawl ;
I In which some hundreds on the place
'Were slain outright, and raany a /ace
Retrenched of nose, arid eyes, and beard,
To raaintain what their sect averred.
All which the knight and squire, in wrath,
Had like t' have suffer'd for their faith-;
Each striving to make good his own.
As by the sequel shall be shown.

irS HUDIBRAS. [parT'Ii,
The sun had long since, in the lap
Of Thetis, taken out his nap.
And like a lobster boiled, the morn
From black to red began to turn ;
When Hudibras, whom thoughts and aching
'Twixt sleeping kept, all night, and waking.
Began to rub his drowsy eyes.
And frora his couch prepared to rise ;
Resolving to despatch the deed
He vowed to do with trusty speed :
But first with knocking loud and bawling.
He roused the squire, in truckle lolling :
And after raany circumstances,
Which vulgar authors in romances,
Do use to spend their time and wits on,
To make impertinent description.
They got, with much ado, to horse.
And to the castle bent their course,
In which he to the darae before
To suffer whipping-duty swore :
Where now arrived, and half unharnessed.
To carry on the work in earnest,
He stopped and paused upon the sudden,
And with a serious forehead plodding,
Sprung a new scruple in his head,
"Which first he scratched, and after said :
' Whether it be direct infringing
An oath, if I should wave this swinging.
And what I've sworn to bear, forbear,
And so b' equivocation swear ;
Or whether 't be a lesser sin
To be forsworn, than act the thing.
Are deep and subtle points, which must.
To inform my conscience, be discussed ;
In which to err a tittle raay
To errors infinite make way :
And therefore I desire to know
Thy judgment ere we further go.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Since you do enjoin't,
I shall enlarge upon the point ;
And, for my own part, do not doubt
Th' affirmative raay be made out

'CAIITO II.J HUDIBRAS. 119
I ' '¦ '
But. first, to' state the case' aright,' >
For best advantage of opr light ;
And thus 'tis : Whether 't, be a sin
To claw and curry your own skin, '
Greater or less than to forbear,
And that you are forsworn forsweat
But first, o' th' first : The inward man.
And outward, like a clan and clan.
Have always been at daggers-drawing.
And one another clapper-clawing ;
Not that they really cuff or fence,
But in a spiritual mystic sense ;
Which to mistake, and make them squabble
In literal fray, 's abominable ;
'Tis heathenish, in frequent use.
With Pagans and apostate Jews,
To offer sacrifice of bridewells.
Like modern Indians to their idols ;
And mongrel Christians of our times, '
That expiate less with greater criraes,
And call the foul abomination,
Contrition and mortification.
Is't not enough, we're bruised and kicked,
With sinful members of the wicked ;
Our vessels, that are sanctified,
Profaned, and curried back and side ;
But we must, claw ourselves with shameful
And heathen stripes, by their example ?
Which, were there nothing to forbid it
Is impious, because they did it :
This therefore may be justly reckoned
A heinous sin. Now to the second ;
That saints may claim a dispensation
To swear and forswear on occasion,
I doubt not but it will appear
With pregnant light : the point is clear.
Oaths are but words, and words but wind,
Too feeble implements to bind ;
And hold with deeds proportion, so
As shadows to a substance do.
Then when they strive for place, 'tis fit
The weaker vessel should submit.

120 HUDIBRAS. [PA'RT II.
Although your church be opposite
To ours, as Black-friars are to White,
In rule and order, yet I grant
You are a reforraado saint ;
And what the saints do claira as due.
You may pretend a tide to :
But saints, whora oaths and vows oblige.
Know little of their privilege ;
Further, I raean, than carrying on
Some self-advantage of their own :
For if the devU, to serve his turn.
Can tell truth ; why the saints should scorn.
When it serves theirs, to swear and lie,
I think there's little reason why :
Else h' has a greater power than they,
Which 'twere impiety to say.
We 're not comraanded to forbear,
Indefinitely, at all to swear ;
But to swear idly, and in vain.
Without self-interest or gain ;
For breaking of an oath and lying.
Is but a kind of self-denying,
A saint-like virtue ; and from hence
Sorae have broke oaths by Providence :
Some, to the glory of the Lord,
Perjured themselves, and broke their word :
And this the constant rule and practice
Of all our late apostles' acts is.
Was not the Cause at first begun
With perjury, and carried on ?
iWas there an oath the godly took.
But in due time and place they broke ?
Did we not bring our oaths in first,
'Before our plate, to have them burst.
And cast in fitter models, for
Tlie present use of church and war ?
Did not our worthies of the house.
Before they broke the peace, break voWs ?
For having freed us first frora both
Th' allegiance and suprem'cy oath.
Did they not next compel the nation
To take, and break the" protestation ?

CANTG II.] HJJDIBRAS.
To swear, and after to recant.
The solemn league and covenant ?
To take th' engagement, and disclaim it.
Enforced by thbse who first did frame it ?
Did they not swear, at first, to fight
For the king's safety, and his right ?
And after raarched to find him out.
And charged him home with horse and foot?
And yet still had the confidence
To swear it was in his defence ?
Did they not swear to live and die
With Essex, and straight laid him by ?
If that were all, for sorae have swore
As false as they, if they did no more.
Did they not swear to raaintain law.
In 'Which that swearing piade a flaw?
For protestant religion vow,
That did that vowing disallow?
For privilege of parliaraent.
In which that swearing made a rent ?
And since, of all the three, not one
Is left in being, 'tis well known.
Did they not swear, in express words.
To prop and back the House of Lords ?
And after turned out the whole houseful
Of peers, as dangerous and unuseful.
So CromweU, with deep oaths and vows.
Swore all the Coraraons out o' th' house ;
Vowed that the red-coats would disband.
Ay, m'arry would they, at their command ;
And trolled them on, and swore, and swore.
Till th' army turned thera out of door.
This tells us plainly what they thought.
That oaths and swearing go for nought,
And that by them th' were only meant
"To serve for an expedient
What was the public faith found out for.
But to slur men of what they fought for ?
The public faith, which every one
Is bound t' observe, yet kept by none ;
And if that go for nothing, why
Should private faith have such a tie ?

121

122 HUDIBRAS. [part II.
Oaths were not purposed, more than law, '"'',
¦To keep, the good and just in awe,
But to confine the bad and sinful,
Like mortal cattle in a pinfold.
A saint's of th' heavenly realm a peer ;
And as no peer is bound to swear.
But on the gospel of his honour.
Of which he may dispose as owner,
It follows, though the thing be forgery.
And false, th' affirra it is no perjury.
But a raere cereraony, and a breach
Of nothing, but a forra of speech ;
And goes for no more when 'tis took.
Than mere saluting of the book.
Suppose the Scriptures are of force, ,
They're but comraissions of course.
And saints have freedora to digress.
And vary frora 'era, as they please ;
Or misinterpret them by private
Instructions, to all aims they drive at.
Then why should we ourselves abridge,
And curtail our own privilege ?
Quakers that, like to lanterns bear
Their light within 'em, will not swear;
Their gospel is an accidence,
By which they construe conscience.
And hold no sin so deeply red.
As that of breaking Priscian's hekd.
The head and founder of their order.
That stirring hats held worse than murder.
These thinking they're obliged to troth
In swearing, will not take an oath :
Like mules, who if they 'ave not their will
,To keep their own pace, stand stock-still ;
But they are weak, and little know
What free-born consciences may do.
'Tis the temptation of the devil
That makes all human actions evil ;
For saints may do the same things by
The spirit, in sincerity.
Which other men are tempted to.
And at the devil's instance do ;

CAisTTo- II.] " ' hUdibras. 123
Arid yet the actions be cpntrilry.
Just as the saints and wicked vary.
For as on lapd there is no beast
But in sorae fish at sea's expressed ;
So in the wicked there's no vic6,
Of wjiich the saints have not a spice ;
And yet that thing that's pious in
The one, in th' other is a sin.
Is't not ridiculous and nonsense,
A saint should be a slave to conscience.
That ought to be above such fancies,
As far as above ordinances ?
' She's of the wicked, as I guess,
B' her looks, her language, and her dress :
And though, like constables, ~we searcii
For false wares one another's church ;
[Yet all of us hold this for true,
No faith is'to the wicked due.
jThe truth is precious and divine,
Too rich a pearl for carnal swine.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' All this is true ;
Yet 'tis not fit that all raen knew
Those mysteries and revelations ;
And therefore topical evasions
Of subtle turns, and shifts of sense,
Serve best with th' wicked for pretence,
Such as the learned Jesuits use.
And Presbyterians, for excuse
Against the Protestants, when th' happen
To find their churches taken napping :
As thus ; A breach of oath is duple,
4-nd either way admits a scruple.
And may be, ex parte of the maker.
More crirainal than th' injured taker ;
For he that strains too far a vow.
Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow :
And he that raade and forced it, broke it.
Not he that for convenience took it
A tiroken oath 's, quatenus oath.
As sound t' all purposes of troth.
As bfoken laws are ne'er the worse,
Nay,itni they're broken have no force.

124 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
What's justice to a raan, or laws.
That never coraes within their claws ?
They have rio power, but to admonish ;
Cannot control, coerce, or punish.
Until they're broken, and then touch
Those only that do make thera such.
Beside, no engagement is allowed
By men in prison made, for good ;
For when they're set at liberty.
They're frora th' engagement too set free.
The rabbins write, when any Jew
Did make to God or man a vow.
Which afterwards he found untoward.
And stubborn to be kept, or too hard.
Any three other Jews o' th' nation
Might free hira from the obligation :
And have not two saints power to use
A greater privilege than three Jews ?
The court of conscience, which in raan
Should be suprerae and sovereign,
Is't fit should be subordinate
To ev'ry petty court i' the state.
And have less power than the lesser.
To deal with perjury at pleasure ?
Have its proceedings disallowed, or
Allowed, at fancy of pie-powder ?
Tell aU it does, or does not know,
F'or swearing ex officio 1
Be forced t' irapeach a broken hedge.
And pigs unringed at vis.fratic. pledge?
Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants.
Priests, witches, eaves-droppers, and nuisance ;
Tell who did play at games unlawful.
And who filled pots of ale but half-fuU ;
And have no power at all, nor shift.
To help itself at a dead lift?
Why should not conscience have vacation
As weU as other courts o' th' nation?
Have equal power to adjourn,
Appoint appearance and return ?
And raake as nice distinctions serve
To split a case, as those that carve.

CANTO II.] ¦ HUDIBRAS. i2g
Invoking cuckolds' names, hit joints ?
AVhy should not tricks as slight, do points ?
Is not th' high-court of justice sworn
To judge that law that serves their turn?
Make their own jealousies high-treason.
And fix them whoraso'er they please on ?
Cannot the learned counsel there
Make laws in any shape appear ?
Mould 'em as witches do their clay.
When they raake pictures to destroy?
And vex them into any forra
That fits their purpose to do, harra?
Rack 'em untU they do confess,
Irapeach of treason whom you please.
And most perfidiously condemn
Those that engaged their lives for them ?
And yet do nothing in their own sense.
But what they ought by oath and conscience.
Can they not juggle, and with slight
Conveyance play with wrong and right ;
And sell their blasts of wind as dear,
, , As Lapland witches bottled air ?
Will not fear, favour, bribe, and grudge.
The sarae case several ways adjudge ?
As seamen with the self-same gale.
Will several different courses sail ;
As when the sea breaks o'er its bounds,
And overflows the level grounds.
Those banks and dams, that, like a screen,
Did keep it out, now keep it in ;
So when tyrann'cal usurpation
Invades the freedora of a nation.
The laws o' th' land, that were intended
To keep it out, are made defend it.
Does not in chancery every raan swear
What make? best for him in his answer?
Is not the winding up witnesses,
' And nicking, more than half the business ?
For witnesses, like watches, go
Just as they're set, too fast or slow;
And where in conscience they're strait-laced,
'Tis ten to one that side is cast.

126 ' HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
f .Do not your juries give their verdict
' As if they felt the cause, not heard it ?
And as they please, make matter o' fact
Run all on one side, as they're packed ?
Nature has made raan's breast no windores.
To publish what he does within doors ;
Nor what dark secrets there inhabit,
Unless his own rash folly blab it.
If oaths can do a man no good
In his own business, why they should
In other matters do hira hurt,
I think there's little reason for't
He that imposes an oath makes it,
Not he that for convenience takes it :
Then how can any man be said
To break an oath he never made ?
These reasons may perhaps look oddly
To th' wicked, though they evince the godly ;
But if they will not serve to clear
My honour, I am ne'er the near.
Honour is like that glassy bubble,
That finds philosophers such trouble ;
Whose least part cracked, the whole does fly.
And wits are cracked to find out why.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Honour's but a word
To swear by only in a lord :
In other men 'tis but a huff
To vapour with, instead of proof;
That, like a wen, looks big and swells,
Insenseless, and just nothing else.'
' Let it' quoth he, ' be what it will.
It has the world's opinion still.
But as raen are not wise that run
The sUghtest hazard they raay shun.
There raay a raediura be found out
To clear to all the world the doubt ;
And that is, if a man may do't.
By proxy whipped, or substitute.'
' Though nice and dark the point appear,'
Quoth Ralph, ' it may hold up and clear.
That sinners may supply the place
Of suffering saints, is a plain case.

canto II.J • HUDI'BRAS.
Justice' gives sentence, many times.
On one- man for another's crimes'.
Our brethren of New England us2
Choice malefactors to excuse,
And hang the guiltless in their stead.
Of whom t,he churches have less need;
As lately 't happened : In a town
There lived a cobbler, and but one,
That out of doctrine could cut use.
And mend men's lives as ivell as shoes.
This precious brother having slain,
In times of peace, an Indian,
Not out of malice, but mere zeal,
Because he was an infidel.
The mighty Tottipottymoy
Sent to our elders an envoy.
Complaining sorely of the breach
Of league, held forth by brother Patch,
Against the articles in force
Between bbth churches, his and ours ;
For which he craved the saints to render
Into his hands, or hang, th' offender :
But they maturely having weighed
They had no more but him o' th' trade,
A raan that served them in a double
Capacity, to teach and cobble.
Resolved to spare him ; yet to do
The Indian Hoghan Moghan too
Impartial justice, in his stead did
Hang an old weaver that was bed-rid.
Then wherefore may not you be skipped.
And in your roora another whipped ?
For all philosophers, but the sceptic.
Hold whipping may be sympathetic'
' It is enough,' quoth Hudibras,
' Thou hast resolved, and cleared the case ;
And canst, in conscience, not refuse.
From thy own doctrine, to raise use.
I know thou wUt not, for my sake,
Be tendef-conscienced of thy back :
Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin.
And give thy outward-fellow a firkin ;

128 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
For when thy vessel is new hooped,
A.ll leaks of sinning will be stopped.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' You mistake the matter.
For in aU scruples of this nature.
No raan includes hiraself, nor turns
The point upon his own concerns.
As no raan of his own self catches
The itch, or araorous French aches ;
So no man does himself convince.
By his own doctrine, of his sins :
And though all cry down self, none means
His own Self in a literal sense :
Besides, it is not only foppish.
But vile, idolatrous, and popish.
For one raan out of his own skin
To frisk and whip another's siu ;
As pedants out of school-boys' breeches
Do claw and curry their own itches
But in this case it is profane.
And sinful too, because in vain ;
For we raust take our oaths upon it
You did the deed, when I have done it.'
;Quoth Hudibras, ' That's answered soon ;
Give us the whip, we'll lay it on.'
- Quoth Ralpho, ' That we raay swear true,
'T were pfoperer that I whipped you ;
For when with your consent 'tis done.
The act is really your own.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' It is in vain,
I see, to argue 'gainst the grain ;
Or, like the stars, incline men to
What they're averse themselves to do :
For when disputes are wearied out,
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt :
But since no reason can confute ye,
I'll try to force you to your duty ;
For so it is, howe'er you mince it.
As, e'er we part, I shall evince it,
And curry, if you stand out, whether
You will or no, your stubborn leather.
Canst thou refuse to bear thy part
I' th' public work, base as thou art ?

canto II.] HUDIBRAS.

i2g

To higgle thus, for a few blows.
To gain thy knight an op'lent spouse,
Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase.
Merely for th' interest of the churches ?
And when he has it in his claws.
Will not be hide-bound to the cause ;
Nor shalt thou find hira a curraudgeon.
If thou despatch it without grudging :
If not, resolve, before we go.
That you and I must pull a crow.'
' Ye 'ad best,' quoth Ralpho, ' as the ancients
Say wisely. Have a care o' th' main chance.
And, Look before you ere ypu leap ;
For, As you sow, ye're like to reap :
And were y' as good as George a Green,
I should raake bold to turn again ;
Nor am I doubtful of the issue
In a just quarrel, and mine is so.
Is't fitting for a man of honour
To whip the saints, like Bishop Bonner ?
A knight t' usurp the beadle's offixe,
For which y' are like to raise brave trophies ?
But I advise you, not for fear.
But for your own sake, to forbear.
And for the churches, which may chance.
From hence, to spring a variance.
And raise among themselves new scruples, ,
Whom common danger hardly couples.
Remeraber how in arras and politics
We StUl have worsted all your holy tricks;
Trepanned your party with intrigue.
And took your grandees down a peg ;,
New-raodelled th' army, and cashiered
All that to Legion Smec adhered ;
, Made a mere utensU o' your church.
And after left it in the lurch ;
A scaffold to build up our own.
And when w' had done with 't puUed it down ;
O'er-reached your rabbins of the synod.
And snapped their canons with a why-not :
Grave synod-men, that were revered
For solid face, and depth of beard, E

t^d 'HUDIBRAS. '[part il.
Their classic raodel proved a maggot,
Their direct'ry an Indian pagod ;
And drowned their discipline like a kitten.
On which they'd been so long a sitting ;
Decrifed it as a holy cheat,
Grown out of date, and obsolete.
And all the saints of the first grass,
As casting foals of Balaam's ass.'
At this the knight grew high in chafe,
And, staring furiously on Ralph,
He trembled and looked pale with ire,
Like ashes first, then red as fire.
' Have I,' quoth he, ' been ta'en in fight.
And for so many moons lain by't.
And when all other means did fail,
Have been exchanged for tubs of ale ?
Not but they thought me worth a ransora
Much raore considerable and handsome ;
But for their own sakes, and for fear
They were not safe, when I was there ;
Now to be baffled by a scoundrel.
An upstart sect'ry, and a mongrel,
Such as breed out of peccant humours
Of our own church, like wens or tumours,
And like a maggot in a sore.
Would that which gave it life devour ;
It never shall be done or said : '
With that he seized upon his blade ;
And Ralpho too, as quick and bold.
Upon his basket-hilt laid hold,
With equal readiness prepared
To draw and stand upon his guard ;
When both were parted on the sudden.
With hideous clamour, and a loud one,
As if aU sorts of noise had been
Contracted into one loud din ;
Or that sorae member to be chosen,
Had got the odds above a tliousand ;
And, by the greatness of his noise,
Proved fittest for his country's choice.
This strange surprisal put the knight
And WTathful squire into a fright;

canto ^l.] HUDIBRAS.. 1 13:
And though they stood prepared, with fatal ¦
linpetuous rancour, to jpin battle,
Both thought it was the wisest course
To wave the fight, and mount to horse.
And to secure, by swift retreatingj
Therriselves from danger of worse beating ;
Yet neither of them would disparage.
By uttering of his raind, his courage.
Which raade 'em stoutly keep their ground, '
With horror and disdain wind-bound.
And now the cause of all their fear
By slow degrees approached so near.
They might distinguish different Hpise
Of horns, and pans, and dogs, and boys.
And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub
Sounds Uke the hooping of a tub.
But when the sight appeared in view.
They found it was an antique show ;
A triumph that, for pomp and state.
Did proudest Romans emiilate :
For as the alderraen of Rorae
Their foes at training overcome.
And not enlarging territory,
As some, mistaken, write in story,
•Being mounted in their best array,
Upon a car, and who but they ?
And followed by a world of tall lads,
That merry ditties trolled, and ballads.
Did ride with many.^ good-morrow.
Crying, 'Hey for the town,' through the borough ;
So when this triumph drew so nigh
They might particulars descry.
They never saw two things so pat,
In all respects, as this and that.
First he that led the cavalcate,
¦Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate.
On -which he blew as strong a levet.
As well-fee'd lawyer on his brev'ate.
When over one another's heads
They charge, three ranks at once, like Sweads :
Next pans and kettles of all keys,
From trebles down tp doulale base ;

132

HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
And after them, upon a nag.
That might pass for a fore hand stag,
A cornet rode, and on his staff
A smock displayed did proudly wave.
Then bagpipes of the loudest drones.
With snuffling broken-winded tones.
Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut,
Sound filthier than from the gut.
And raake a vUer noise than swine.
In windy weather, when they whine.
Next one upon a pair of panniers.
Full fraught with that which, for good manners.
Shall here be nameless, mixed with grains,
Which he dispensed araong the swains.
And busily upon the crowd
At random round about bestowed.
Then, mounted on a horned horse.
One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs,
Tied to the pommel of a long sword
He held reversed, the point turned downward.
Next after, on a raw-boned steed.
The conqueror's standard-bearer rid.
And bore aloft before the charapion
A petticoat displayed, and rarapant ;
Near whom the Amazon triumphant
Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't
Sat face to tail, and bum to bum.
The warrior whilom overcome ;
Armed with a spindle and a distaff.
Which, as he rode, she raade him twist off;
And when he loitered, o'er her shoulder
Chastized the reforraado soldier.
Before the dame, and round about.
Marched whifflers, and staffiers on foot.
With lackeys, grooms, valets, and pages.
In fit and proper equipages ;
Of whom sorae torches bore, some links.
Before the proud virago-minx.
That was both madam, and a don.
Like Nero's Sporus, or pope Joan;
And at fit periods the whole rout
Set up their throats with clamorous shout

canto II.] HUDlBRAS. 133
The knight" transported, and the squire.
Put up their weapons, and their ire ;
And Hudibras, who used to ponder
On such sights with judicious wonder,
Could hold no longer to impart
His an'madversions, for his heart.
Quoth he, ' In all ray life, till now,
I ne'er saw so profane a show ;
It is a paganish invention.
Which heathen writers often mention ;
And be who made it had read Goodwin,
Or Ross, or Cselius Rhodigine,
With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows,
That best describe those ancient shows ;
And has observed all fit decorums
We find described by old historians :
For, as the Roman conqueror.
That put an end to foreign war.
Entering the town in triumph for it.
Bore a slave with hira in his chariot ;
So this insulting female brave.
Carries behind her here a slave :
And as the ancients long ago.
When they in field defied the foe.
Hung out their mantles della guerre.
So her proud standard-bearer here.
Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner,
A Tyrian petticoat for banner.
Next Unks and torches, heretofore
Still borne before the eraperor :
Aird, as in antique triumph eggs
Were borne for mystical intrigues.
There's one, v/ith truncheon, like a ladle.
That carries eggs too, fresh or addle ;
And StUl at random, as he goes.
Among the rabble-rout bestows.'
Quoth Ralpho, ' Ypu mistake the matter ;
For all th' antiquity you smatter
Is but a riding used of course.
When the grey mare's the better horse.;
When o'er the breeches greedy woraen
Fight, to extend their vast dominion,

134

, HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
And in the cause impatient Grizel
Has drubbed her husband when difficUe,
And brought him under cpvert-baron.
To turn her vassal with a murrain ;
When wives their sexes shift, like hares.
Oppress their husbands, like night-raares ;
And they, in mortal battle vanquished.
Are of their charter disenfranchised,
And by the right of war,' like gUls,
Condemned to distaff, horns, and wheels :
For when men by their wives are cowed.
Their horns of course are understood.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' Thou still giv'st sentence
Impertinently, and against sense :
'Tis not the least disparageraent
To be defeated by th' event,
Nor to be beaten by main force ;
That does not make a man the worse.
Although his shoulders, with battoon
Be clawed, and cudgelled to sorae tune ;
A taUofs prentice has no hard
Measure, that's banged with a true yard ;
But to turn tail, or run away.
And without blows give up the day ;
Or to surrender ere the assault.
That's no man's fortune, but his fault ;
And renders men of honour less
Than all th' adversity of success ;
And only unto such this show
Of horns and petticoats is due.
There is a lesser profanation,
Like that the Romans called ovation :
For as ovation was allowed
For conquest purchased without blood ;
So men decree those lesser shows
For victory gotten without blows.
By dint of sharp hard words, which some
Give battle with, and overcome ;
These mounted in a chair-curule.
Which moderns call a cucking-stool,
March proudly to the river's side.
And o'er the waves in triumph ride ;

canto n.] - HUDIBRAS. ':i,*
Like dukes of Venice, who are said
The Adriatic sea to wed,
And have a gentler wife than those
For whom the state 'decrees those shows.
But both are heathenish, and come ,
From th' %yhores of Babylon and Rome,
And by-the saints should be withstood,
' As antichristian and lewd ;
And we, as such should now contribute
Our utmost strugglings to prohibit'
This said, they both advanced, and rode
A dog-trot through the bawling crowd
T' attack the leader, and stiU pressed,
TUl they approached bim breast to breast :
Then Hudibras, with face and hand,
Made signs for silence ; which obtained,
.' "\yhat means,' quoth he, ' this devTs procession
With men of orthodox profession ?
'Tis ethnic and idolatrous,
Frora heathenism derived to us.
Does not the whore of Bab'Idn ride
Upon her horned beast astride.
Like this proud dame, who either is
A type of her, or she of this ?
Are things of superstitious function,
Fit to be used in gospel sunshine ?
It is an antichristian opera.
Much used in midnight tiraes of popery;
Of running after self-inventions
Of wicked and profane intentions ;
To scandalize that sex, for scolding,
To whom^ the saints are so beholden.
jWoraen, who were our first apostles,
mithout whose aid w' had all been lost else ;
Women, that left no stone unturned
In which the Cause might be concerned ;
Brought in their children's spoons and whistles.
To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols ;
Their husbands, cuUies, and sweethearts,
To take the saints' and churches' parts ; i
Drew several gifted brethren in,
That for the bishops would have been,

136 ,, HUDIBRAS. [part ii,
And fixed 'em constant to the party.
With motives powerful and hearty :
Their husbands robbed, and made hard shifts
T' administer unto their gifts
All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer,
To scraps and ends of gold and silver ;
Rubbed down the teachers, tired and spen
With holding forth for parliament ;
Pampered and edified their zeal
With marrow puddings many a meal :
Enabled thera, with store of meat.
Or controverted points, to eat ;
And cramraed thera, tUl their guts did ache.
With caudle, custard, and plum-cake.
What have they done, or what left undone,
That raight advance the Cause at London ?
Marched rank and file, with drum and ensign,
T' intrench the city for defence in :
Raised rampires with their own soft hands.
To put the eneray to stands ;
Frora ladies down to oyster wenches
Laboured like pioneers in trenches,
FeU to their pick-axes, and tools.
And helped the raen to dig like moles ?
Have not the handmaids of the city
Chose of their merabers a comraittee.
For raising of a coraraon purse.
Out of their wages, to raise horse ?
And do they not as triers sit.
To judge what officers are fit?
Have they ' — At that an egg let fly,
Hit hira directly o'er the eye.
And running down his cheek, besraeared.
With orange-tawny slime, his beard ;
But beard and slime being of one hue.
The wound the less appeared in view.
I'hen he that on the panniers rode.
Let fly on th' other side a load,
And quickly charged again, gave fully.
In Ralpho's face another volley.
The knight was startled with the smell.
And for his sword began to feel ;

canto II.] HUDIBRAS. 137
And Ralpho, sniothered with the stink.
Grasped his, when one that bore a link, ,
O' th' sudden clapped his flaming, cudgel.
Like linstockj to the horse's touch-hole ;
And straight another, with his flambeau.
Gave Ralpho, o'er the eyes, a rammed blow.
The beasts began to kick and fling.
And forced the rout tONmake a ring ;
Through which they quickly broke their way,
And brought thera off from further fray ;
And though disordered in retreat.
Each of them stoutly kept his seat :
For quitting both their swords and reins.
They grasped with all their strength the manes ;
' And, to avoid the foe's pursuit.
With spurring put their cattle to 't
And till all four were out of wind.
And danger too, ne'er looked behind.
After they 'ad paused a while, supplying
Their spirits, spent with fight and flying.
And Hudibras recruited force
Of lungs, for action or discourse ;
Quoth he, ' That man is sure to lose
That fouls his hands with dirty foes :
For where no honour's to be gained,
'Tis thrown away in being raaintained :
'Twas ill for us, we had to do
With so dishon'rable a foe :
For though the law of arms doth bar
The use of venonied shot in war.
Yet by the nauseous sraeU, and noisome,
Their case-shot savour strong of poison ;
And, doubtless, have been chewed with teeth
Of sorae that had a stinking breath ;
Else wnen we put it to the push,
They had not given us such a bmsh :
But as those poltroons that fling dirt
Do but defile, but cannot hurt ;
So aU the honour they have won.
Or we have lost, is rauch at one.
'Twas well we raade so resolute
A brave retreat, without pursuit ;

138 " i HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
For if we had not, we had sped
Much worse, to be in triuraph led ; 1
Than which the ancients held no state
Of raan's life niore unfortunate.
But if this bold adventure e'er
Do chance to reach the widow's ear.
It raay, being destined to assert
Her sex's honour, reach her heart :
And as such horaely treats, they say.
Portend good fortune, so this may.
Vespasian being daubed with dirt.
Was destined to the empire for't ;
And from a scavenger did come
To be a mighty prince in Rome :
And why may not this foul address
Presage in love the sarae success ?
Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds,
Advance in quest, of nearest ponds ;
And after, as we first designed,
Swear I've performed what she enjoined.'

CANTO III.
THE ARGUMfNT.
¦ The knight, with various doubts- posr,c.=;3cu,
To win the lady goes in quest
Of Sidrophel the Rosicrucian,
To know destinies' resolution ;
With whora being met, theyboth chop logic
About the science astrologic ;
Till falling from dispute to fight.
The conjurer's wor-sted by the knight.
Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat ;
As lookers-on feel raost delight,
That least perceive a jriggler's sleight.
And still the less they understand,
The more th' admire his sleight of hand.
Sorae with a noise, and greasy light,
Are snapped, as men catch larks by night,
Ensnared and harapered by the^^soul,
As nooses by the legs catch fowl.
Sorae, with a raedicine, and receipt,
Are drawn to nibble at the bait ;
And though it be a two-foot trout
'Tis with a single hair pulled out.
Others believe no voice t' an organ
So sweet as lawyer's in his hat-gown.
Until, with subtle cobweb-cheats.
They're catched in knotted law. Uke nets ;
In which, when they are once imbrangled,
The more they stir, the raore they're tangled ;
And while their purses can dispute.
There's no end of th' immortal suit.
Others still gape t^JjitLcipate
The. cabinet-designs o,f fate.
Apply to wizards, to foresee
What shall, and what shall never be ;

140 HUDIBRAS ' [part II.
And as those vultures do forbode,
BeUeve events prove bad or good :
A flara more senseless than the roguery
Of old aruspicy and augury.
That out of garbages of cattle
Presaged th' events of truce or battle ;
From flight of birds, or chickens pecking,
' Success of great'st atterapts would reckon :
Though cheats, yet more intelligible
j_T!han those that with the stars do fribble.
This Hudibras by proof found true,
As in due time and place we'll show ;
For he, with beard and face made clean.
Being mounted on his steed again 
And Ralpho got a cock-horse too,
Upon his beast, with much ado-

Advanced on for the widow's house,
T' acquit himself, and pay his vows ;
When various thoughts began to bustle.
And with his inward raan to justle.
He thought what danger might accrue.
If she should find he swore untrue ;
Or if his squire or he should fail.
And not be punctual in their tale,
It might at once the ruiri prove
Both of his honour, faith, and love :
But if he should forbear to go.
She might conclude he 'ad broke his vow ;
And that he durst not now, for shame.
Appear in court to try his claira.
This was the pen'worth of his thought,
To pass tirae, and uneasy trot.
Quoth he, ' In all my past adventures
I ne'er was set so on the tenters.
Or taken tardy with dilemma.
That every way I turn does hem me,
And with inextricable doubt.
Besets my puzzled wits about :
For though the darae has been ray baU,
To free rae frora enchanted jail.
Yet, as a dog, committed close
For some offence, by chance breaks loose,

canto III.] HUDIBRAS. 141
And quits his clog ; but all in vain.
He still draws after him his chain :
So though my ankle she has quitted.
My- heart continues still coirimitted ;
And like a bailed and mainprized lover,
Although at large, I am bound over :
And- when I shall appear in court
To plead ray cause, and answer for't.
Unless the judge do partial prove.
What will becorae of me and love ?
For if in our account we vary.
Or but in circurastance miscarry ;
Or if she put me to strict proof,
And make me pull ray- doublet off,
To show, by evident record,
Writ on my skin, I've kept my word.
How can I e'er expect to have her.
Having demurred unto her favour ?
But faith, and love, and honour lost,
Shall be reduced t' a knight o' th' post ?
Beside, that stripping may prevent
What I'm to prove by argument,
And justify I have a tail.
And that way, toOjjiy proof may faU.
Oh ! that I could Sucka^, f
And solve the proMeras m my fate ;
Or find, by necromantic art.
How far the destinies take ray part ;
For if I were not more than certain
To win and wear her, and her fortune,
I'd go no farther in this courtship.
To hazard soul, estate, and worship :
For though an oath obliges not,
Where any thing is to be got.
As thou hast proved, yet 'tis profane,
r-.,^nd sinful, when raen sweaf in vain,"
Quoth Ralph, ' Not far frora hence doth dwell
A cunning man, hight Sidrophel,
That deals in destiny's dartrctJunsels,
And sage opinions of the moon sells,
To whora all people, far and near,
On deep importances repair :

142

HUDIBRAS. ' [^PART II.
When brass and pewter hap to stray,
And linen slinks out o' the way,
When geese and puUen are seduced,
And sows of sucking pigs are chowsed ;
When catde feel indisposition,
And need th' opinion of physician ;
When raurrian reigns in hogs or sheep.
And chickens languish of the pip ;
When yeast and outward means do faU,
And have no power to work on ale ;
When butter does refuse to come,
And love proves cross and humoursome ;
To him with questions, and with urine,
They for discovery flock, or curing.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' This Sidrophel
I've heard of, and should like it well,
If thou canst prove the saints have freedora
To go to sorcerers when they need 'em.'
Says Ralpho, ' There's no doubt of that ;
Those principles I quoted late
1 trove that the godly may allege
For any thing their privilege.
And to the devil hiraself raay go.
If they have motives thereunto :
For as there is a war between
The devil and thera, it is no sin
If they, by subtle stratagem.
Make use of him, as he does them.
Has not this present parliament
A ledger to the devil sent,
Fully erapowered to treat about
Finding revolted witches out ?
And has not he, within a year.
Hanged threescore of 'era in one shire ?
Some only for not being drowned.
And some for sitting above ground.
Whole days and nights, upon their breeches,
And feeling pain, were hanged for witches ;
And some for putting knavish tricks
Upon green cheese and turkey-chicks,

CANTO in.] ' ' HUDIBRAS.
Or pigs, that suddenly deceased
Of griefs unnatural, as he guessed ;
Whb after proved hinlself a witch, ,
And made a rod for his own breech.
Did not the devil appear to, Martin ,
Luther in Germany for certain ?
And would have gulled him with a trick.
But Mart, was too, too politic.
Did he not help the Dutch to purge,
At Antwerp, their cathedral church?
Sing catches to the saints at Mascon,
And teU them all they came tb ask him ?
Meet with the parliament's committee.
At .Woodstock, on a personal treaty ?
At Sarum take a cavalier,
I' th' Cause's service, prisoner ?
As Withers, in immortal rhyme.
Has registered to after-time.
Do riot our great reformers use
, This Sidrophel to forbode news ;
To write of victories next year,
And castles taken, 'yet i' th' air ?
Of battles fought at sea, and ships
Sunk, two years hence ? the last .eclipse ?
A total o'erthrow given the king
In Cornwall, horse and foot, next spring ?
And has not he point-blank foretold
Whats'e'er the close committee would ?
Made Mars and Saturn for the cause,
"The moon for fundamental laws'?
The Rara, the Bull, and Goat, declare
Against the Book of Common-Prayer ? -
The Scorpion take the protestation,
And Bear engage for reformation?
Made all the royal stars recant,
s^Compound and take the covenant ? '
Quoth Hudibras, 'The case is clear
The saints' may employ a conjurer,
As thou hast proved it by their practice ;
""No arguraent like riiatter of fact is :
And we are best of all led to
Men's principles, by what they do.

143

144 HUDIBRAS. [part li.
Then let us straight advance in quest
Of this profound gymnosophist.
And as the fates and he advise.
Pursue, or waive this enterprise.'
-^ This said, he turned about his steed,
And eftsoons on th' adventure rid ;
Where leave we hira and Ralph a while.
And to the Conjurer turn our stile.
To let our reader understand
What's useful of hira before-hand.
He had been long t'wards raathematics,
Optics, philosophy, and statics.
Magic, horoscopy, astrology.
And was old dog at physiology ;
But as a dog that tiu-ns the spit
Bestirs hiraself, and plies his feet
To climb the wheel, but all in vain.
His own weight brings him down again.
And still he's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out he was ;
So in the circle of the arts
Did he advance his natural parts.
Till falling back still, for retreat.
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat :
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter ;
Whate'er he laboured to appear.
His understanding still was clear ;
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted.
Since old Hodge Bacon, and Bob Grosted.
Th' intelligible world he knew.
And all raen dreara on't to be true,
That in this world there's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart ;
Nor can there, on the face of ground
An individual beard be found
That has not, in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion ;
So cut, so coloured, and so curled.
As those are in th' inferior world.
He 'ad read Dee's prefaces before
The devil, and Euclid, o'er and o'er ;

canto III.] HudibrAs. ' 145 '
And all th' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly, '
Lescus and th' emperor, wou'd tell ye :
But with the raoon was raore farailiar
Than e'er was alraanack weU-wUler ;
Her secrets understood so clear.
That sorae believed he had been there ;
Knew when she was in fittest raood
For cutting corns, or letting blood ;
Whether the wane be, or increase.
Best to set garlic, or sow peas ;.
Who first found out the raan i' th' raoon.
That to the ancients was unknown ;
How raany dukes, and earls, and peers.
Are in the planetary spheres.
Their airy erapire, and coramand.
Their several strengths by sea and land ;
What factions they 'ave, and what they drive at
In public vogue, or what in private ;
With what designs and interests
Each party manages contests.
He raade an instrument to know
If the moon shine at full or no ;
That would, as soon as e'er she shone, straight
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ;
Tell what her d'ameter to an inch is.
And prove that she's not raade of green cheese.
It wou'd deraonstrate, that the raan in
The moon's a sea Mediterranean ;
And that it is no dog nor bitch
That stands behind him at his breech.
But a huge Caspian sea, or lake.
With arms, which men for legs mistake ;
How large a gulph his tail composes.
And what a goodly bay his nose is ',
How many German leagues by th' scale
Cape snout's from promontory tail.
He made a planetary gin.
Which rats would run their own heads in.
And corae on purpose to be taken,
Without th' expense of cheese or bacon.
With lute-strings he would counterfeit
Maggots, that crawl on dish of raeat ;

146 ¦- hudibras. [farTiII.
Quote moles and spots on any place
O' th' body, by the index face ;
Detect sly love affairs by sneezing,
Or catching breath of dames, or wheezing ;
Cure warts and corns, with application
Of medicines to th' imagination ;
Fright agues into dogs, and scare.
With rhymes, the toothache and catarrh ;
Chase evil spirits away by dint
Of sickle, horse-shoe, hoUovv-flint ;
Spit fire out of a walnut-shell,
Which made the Roman slaves rebel ;
And fire a mine in China here,
AVith sympathetic gunpowder.
He knew v/hats'ever's to be known.
But much more than he knew would own.
What raedicine 'twas that Paracelsus
Could make a man with, as he tells us ;
What figured slates are best to raake.
On watery surface, duck or drake ;
What bowling-stones, in running race
Upon a board, have swiftest pace ;
Whether a pulse beat in the black
List of a dappled louse's back ;
If systole or diastole move
Quickest when he's in wrafli, or love ;
When two of them do run a race.
Whether they gallop, trot, or pace ;
How many scores a flea wiU jurap.
Of his own length, frora head to rurap.
Which Socrates and 'Chserephon
In vain assayed so long agone ;
Whether his snout a perfect nose is.
And not an elephant's proboscis ;
How raany different specieses
Of raaggots breed in rotten cheese ;
And which are next of kin to those
Engendered in a chandler's nose ;
Or those not seen, but understood.
That live in vinegar and wood.
^ A paltry wretch he had, half starved,
That him in place of zany served,

rtANTo ih.']' hudibras. 147
Hight Whachura, bred to dash and draw.
Not wine, but raore unwholesome law ;
To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,
Wide as raeridians in maps ;
To squander paper, and spare ink,
Or cheat raen of their words, some think.
From this, by merited degrees,
He'd to more high advancement rise,
To be an under-conjurer,
Or journeyraan astrologer :
His buisiness was to purap and wheedle.
And raen with their .own keys unriddle ;
¦T'o raake thera to themselves give answers.
For which they pay the necromancers ;
To fetch and carry inteUigence
Of whom, and what, and where, and whence.
And all discoveries disperse
Among th' whole pack of conjurers ;
What cut-purses have left with them,
For the right owners to redeem.
And what they dare not vent, find out,
To gain theraselves and th' ar,t repute ;
Draw figures, scheraes, and horoscopes.
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops.
Of thieves ascendant in the cart.
And find out all by rules of art :
Which way a serving-man, that's run
With clothes or money away, is gone ;
Who picked a fob at holding-forth,
And where a watch, for half the worth.
May be redeemed ; . or stolen, plate
Restored at conscionable rate.
Beside all this, he served his master
In quality of poetaster.
And rhymes appropriate could make
To every month i' th'' almanack ;
Where terms begin,'and end, could tell,
With their returns, in doggerel ;
When the exchequer opes and shuts.
And sow gelder with safety cuts ;
When men may eat and drink their fill,
And when be temperate, if they will ;

J48 , HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
When use, and ;when abstain from vice,
Figs, grapes, phlebotomy, and spice.
And as in prison mean rogues beat
Hemp for the service of the great.
So Whachura beat his dirty brains
T' advance his raaster's farae and gains,
And, like the devil's oracles.
Put into doggerel rhymes his spells.
Which, over ev'ry month's blank page
I' th' almanack, strange bilks presage.
I He would an elegy compose
' _ On maggots squeezed out of his nose ;
In lyric numbers write an ode on
His mistress, eating a black-pudden ;
And, when imprisoned air escaped her,
It puffed hira with poetic rapture ;
His sonnets charmed th' attentive crowd,
By wide-mouthed mortal trolled aloud.
That, circled with his long-eared guests,
Like Orpheus looked among the beasts :
A carman's horse could not pass by,
But stood tied up to poetry ;
No porter's burthen passed along.
But served for burthen to his song :
Each window like a pillory appears.
With heads thrust through, nailed by the ears ;
All trades run in as to the sight
Of monsters, or their dear delight
The gallows-tree, when cutting purse
Breeds business for heroic verse.
Which none does hear, but would have hung
have been the therae of such a song.
Those two together long had lived,
In raansion, prudently contrived,
Where neither tree nor house could bar
The free detection of a star ;
And nigh an ancient obelisk
Was raised by hira, found out by Fisk,
On which was written, not in words.
But hieroglyphic mute of birds,
Many rare pithy saws, concerning
The worth of astrologic leamins; ;

CANTO Hi. J HUDIBRAS. 149
Frora top bf this there hung a rope.
To which he fastened telescope ;
The spectacles with which the stars
He reads in smallest characters.
It happened as a boy, one night.
Did fly his tarsei of a kite.
The strangest long-winged hawk that flies.
That like a bird of Paradise,
Or herald's martlet, has no legs.
Nor hatches young ones, nor lays eggs ;
His train was six yards long, milk-white.
At th' end of which there hung a light
Enclosed in lantern made of paper.
That far off like a star did appear :
This Sidrophel by chance espied,
And with amazeraent staring wide;
' Bless us,' quoth he, ' what dreadful wonder
Is that appears in heaven yonder ?
A coraet, and without a beard ! '
Or star that ne'er before appeared ?
I'ra certain 'tis not in the scroll
Of all those beasts, and fish, and fowl.
With which, like Indian plantations.
The learned stock the constellations ;
Nor thbse that, drawn for signs, have been
To th' houses where the planets inn.
It must be supernatural.
Unless it be that cannon-ball
That, shot i' th' air, point-blank upright.
Was borne tb that prodigious height,
, That, learned philosophers maintain,
It ne'er came backwards down again,
But in the airy region yet
Hangs, like the body of Mahomet :
For if it be above the shade.
That by the earth's rourid bulk is made,
'Tis probable "it may, from far,
Appear no bullet, but a star.'
This said, he to his engine flew.
Placed near at hand, in open view.
And raised it, tUl it levelled right
Against the glow-worm taU of kite ;

I JO HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
Theri peeping through, 'Bless us,' quoth he,
' It is a planet, now, I see ;
And, if I err not, by his proper
Figure, that's like tobacco-stopper.
It should be Saturn : yes, 'tis clear
'Tis Saturn; but what makes hira there?
He's got between the Dragon's tail
And farther leg behind o' th' Whale ;
Pray heaven divert the fatal omen.
For 'tis a prodigy not common.
And can no less than the world's end.
Or Nature's funeral, portend.'
With that, he fell again to pry
Through perspective, more wistfully.
When, by mischance, the fatal string.
That kept the towering fowl on wing.
Breaking, down fell the star. ' Well shot,'
Quoth Whachum, who right wisely thought
He 'ad levelled at a star, and hit it ;
But Sidrophel, more subtle-witted.
Cried out ' What horrible and fearful
Portent is this, to see a star fall !
It threatens nature, and the doora
WUl not be long before it corae !
When stars do fall, 'tis plain enough
The day of judgraent's not far off ;
As lately 'twas revealed to Sedgwick,
And sorae of us find out by raagic :
Then, since the tirae we have to live
In this world's shortened, let us strive
To raake our best advantage of it.
And pay our losses with our profit.'
This feat fell out not long before
The knight, upon the forenaraed score,'
In quest of Sidrophel advancing.
Was now in prospect of the raansion ;
Whora he discovering, turned his glass.
And found far off 'twas Hudibras.
' Whachum,' quoth he, ' look yonder, some
To try or use our art are come :
The one's the learned knight ; seek out.
And pump 'em what they come about.'

CANTO III.] HUD I Br AS. 151
'Whachum advanced, with all submiss'ness
T' accost 'era, but much raore their business ;
He held a stirrup, while the knight
From leathern Bare-bones did alight ; '
And, taking from his hand the bridle,
Approached, the dark squire to unriddle.
He gave him first the time o' th' day.
And welcomed him, as he might say :
He asked him whence they came, and whither
Their business lay ? Quoth Ralpho, ' Hither.'
' Did you not lose '-^-Quoth Ralpho, ' Nay.'
Quoth Whachum, ' Sir, I meant your way !
Your knight,' — Quoth Ralpho, ' Is a lover, —
, And pains intol'rable doth suffer ;
For lovers' hearts are not their own hearts,
Nor lights, nor lungs, and so forth downwards.'
' What time ' — Quoth Ralpho, ' Sir, too long,
Three years it off and on has hung — '
Quoth he, ' I meant what time o' the day 'tis ; '
Quoth Ralpho, ' Between seven and eight 'tis.'
' Why then,' quoth Whachum, ' my small art
TeUs me the dame has a hard heart,
Or great estate.' — Quoth Ralph, ' A jointure,
Which raakes him ha-ve so hot a mind t' her.'
Meanwhile the knight was taking water.
Before he fell upon the matter ;
Which having done, the wizard steps in,
To give him a suitable reception ;
But kept his business at a bay.
Till Whachum put him in the way ;
Who having now, by Ralpho's light.
Expounded th' errand of the knight,
And what he came to know, drew near
To whisper in the, conjurer's ear,
Which he prevented thus : ' What was't,'
Quoth he, ' That I was saying last.
Before these gentlemen arrived ? '
Quoth Whachum, ' 'Venus you retrieved
In opposition with Mars,
And no benign or friendly stars
T' allay the effect' Quoth wizard, ' So !
In Virgo ? ha ! ' Quoth Whachum, ' No : '

152 ^ HUDIBkAS. [part ii,
' Has Saturn nothing to do in it ? '
' One tenth of 's circle to a rainute ? '
' 'Tis weU,' quoth he — ' Sir, you'll excuse
This rudeness I ara forced to use ;
It is a scheme, and face of heaven
As th' aspects are disposed this even,
I was contemplating upon
When you arrived ; but now I've done.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' If I appear
Unseasonable in coming here
At such a time, to interrupt
Your speculations, which I hoped
Assistance frora, and corae to use,
'Tis fit that I ask your excuse.'
' By no means. Sir,' quoth Sidrophel,
The stars your coming did foreteU ;
I did expect you here, and knew.
Before you spake, your business too.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' Make that appear.
And I shall credit whatsoe'er
You tell me after, on your word,
Howe'er unlikely, or absurd.'
' You are in love. Sir, with a widow,'
Quoth he, ' that does not greatly heed you.
And for three years had rid your wit
And passion, without drawing bit ;
And now your business is to know
If you shall carry her, or no.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' You're in the right.
But how the devil you come by't
I can't imagine ; for the stars,
I'm sure, can tell no more than a horse ;
Nor can their aspects, though you pore
Your eyes out on 'em, tell you more
Than th' oracle of sieve and shears.
That turns as certain as the spheres ;
But if the devil's of your counsel.
Much may be done, my noble donzel ;
And 'tis on his account I come,
To know frora you my fatal doom.'
Quoth Sidrophel, • If you suppose.
Sir Knight, that I am one of those.

GANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 153
I might suspect, and take the alarm.
Your business is but to inform ;
But if it be, 'tis ne'er the near,
You have a wrong sow by the ear ;
For I assure you, for my part
I only deal by rules of art ;
Such as are lawful, and judge by
Conclusions of astrology ;
But for the devU, know nothing by him.
But only this that I defy him.'
Quoth he, ' Whatever others deem ye,
I understand your metonymy ;
Your words of second-hand intention.
When things by wrongful names you mention ;
The mystic sense of all your terms.
That are indeed but magic charras
To raise the devil, and mean one thing
And that is downright conjuring ;
And in itself raore warrantable
Than cheat or canting to a rabble.
Or putting tricks upon the raoon.
Which by confederacy are done.
Your ancient conjurers were wont
To raake her from her sphere dismount.
And to their incantation stoop ;
They scorned to pore through telescope.
Or idly play at bo-peep with her,
Tp find out cloudy or fair weather.
Which every almanack can tell,
Perhaps as learnedly and well
As you yourself — Then, friend, I doubt
You go the farthest way about :
Your modern Indian magician
Makes but a hole in th' earth to fish in,
And straight resolves ^U questions by't.
And seldom faUs to be i' th' right
The Rosicrucian way's more sure
To bring the devil to the lure ;
Each of 'em has a several gin.
To catch intelligences in.
Some by the nose, with.fumes, trepan 'em,
As Dunstan did the devU's grannam ;

154 HUDIBRAS. i [fart It'
Others with characters/ and words
Catch 'em, as men in nets do, birds ;
And some with symbols, signs, and tricks.
Engraved in planetary nicks.
With their own influences will fetch 'em
Down from their orbs, arrest and catch 'em ;
Make 'em depose and answer to
All questions, ere they let them go.
Bombastus kept a devU's bird
Shut in the pommel of his sword,
That taught him all the cunning pranks
Of past and future mountebanks.
Kelly did all his feats upon
'.rhe devil's looking-glass, a stone,
Where, playing with hira at bo-peep.
He solved all probleras ne'er so deep.
Agrippa kept a Stygian pug,
I' th' garb and habit of a dog.
That was his tutor, and the cur
Read to th' occult philosopher,
And taught hira subtly to maintain
All other sciences are vain.'
To this, quoth Sidrophello, ' Sir,
Agrippa was no conjurer.
Nor Paracelsus, no, nor Behmen ;
Nor was the dog a cacodsemon.
But a true dog, that would show tricks
For th' emperor, and leap o'er sticks ;
AVould fetch and carry, was more civil
Than other dogs, and yet no devil ;
And whatsoe'er he's said to do.
He went the self-same way we go.
As for the Rosy-cross philosophers,
AVhora you will have to be but sorcerers,
AA'hat they pretend to is no more
Than Trismegistus did before,
Pythagoras, old Zoroaster,
And ApoUonius their master.
To whom they do confess they owe
AU that they do, and all they know.'
Quoth Hudibras,. ' Alas ! what is't t' us
Whether 'twas said by Trismegistus,

canto in. I HUDIBRAS. ¦ 155
If it be nonsense, false, or raystic,
IOr not intelligible, or sophistic ?
'Tis not antiquity, nor author,
That makeslriitlitmth, artEbugh Time's daughter ;
'Twas he thafpuf her in the pit.
Before he puUed her out of it ;
And as he eats his sons, jiist so
He feeds upon his daughters too.
Nor does it follow, 'cause a herald
I Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old,
To be descended of a race
Of ancient kings in a small space,
That we should all opinions hold
Authentic, that we can make old.'
Quoth Sidrophel, ' It is no part
Of prudence to cry down an art.
And what it may perform, deny.
Because you understand not why ;
As Averrois played but a mean trick.
To damn our whole art for eccentric ;
For who knows all that knowledge contains ?
Men dwell not on the tops of mountains,
But on their sides, or risings, seat;
So 'tis with knowledge's vast height
Do not the histories of all ages
Relate miraculous presages
Of strange turns, in the world's affairs,
Foreseen b' astrologers, soothsayers,
Chaldeans, learned Genethliacs,
And some that have writ almanacks ?
The Median emperor dreamt his daughter
Had drowned all Asia under water,
And that a vine, sprung from her haunches,
O'erspread his empire with its branches ;
And did not soothsayers expound it.
As after by th' event he found it ?
AA^hen Ccesar in the senate fell.
Did not the sun eclipsed foretell,
And, in resentment of his slaughter.
Looked pale for alraost a year after?
Augustus having, b' oversight
Put on his left shoe 'fore his right.

156 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
Had like to have been slain that day.
By soldiers mutining for pay.
Are there not rayriads of this sort.
Which stories of aU times report?
Is it not ominous in all countries.
When crows and ravens croak upon trees ?
The Roman senate, when within
The city walls an owl was seen.
Did cause their clergy, with lustrations,
Our synod calls humiliations.
The round-faced prodigy t' avert
From doing town or country hurt.
And if an owl have so much power.
Why should not planets have much more,
That in a region far above
Inferior fowls of the air move.
And should see further, and foreknow
More than their augury below ?
Though that once served the polity
Of mighty states to govern by ;
And this is what we take in hand.
By powerful art, to understand ;
Which, how we have performed, all ages
Can speak th' events of our presages.
Have we not lately in the raoon.
Found a new world, to th' old unknown?
Discovered sea and land, Colurabus
And Magellan could never corapass ?
Made raountains with our tubes appear.
And cattle grazing on 'em there ? '
Quoth Hudibras, ' You lie so ope.
That I, without a telescope,
Can find your tricks out and descry
AVhere ycu tell truth, and where you lie :
For Anaxagoras, long agone.
Saw hills, as well as you, i' th' moon.
And held the sun was but a piece
Of red-hot iron as big as Greece ;
Believed the heavens were made of stone,
Because the sun had voided one ;
And, rather than he would recant
Th' opinion, suffered banishment.

CANTO III.] ' HUDIBRAS. 157
But v/hat, alas ! is it to us,
Whether i' th' raoon, raen thus or thus
Do eat their porridge, cut their corns.
Or whether they have tails or horns ?
AA'hat trade from thence can you advance,
But what we nearer have from France ?
What can our travellers bring horae,
That is not to be learned at Rorae ?
What politics, or strange opinions,
That are not in our own dominions ?
What science can be brought frora thence.
In which we do not here coramence ?
What revelations, or religions.
That are not in our native regions ?
Are sweating lanterns, or screen-fans.
Made better there than they're in France ?
Or do they teach to sing and play
O' th' guitar there a newer way ?
Can they make plays there, that shall fit
The public humour with less wit ?
Write wittier dances, quainter shows,
Or fight with more ingenious blows ?
Or does the man i' th' moon look big.
And wear a huger perivvig ?
Show in his gait, or face, more tricks
Than our own native lunatics ?
But if w' outdo him here at horae,
What good of your design can corae ?
As wind i' th' hypocondres pent.
Is but a blast, if downward sent.
But if it upward chance to fly,
"Becomes new light and prophecy;
So when your speculations tend
Above their just and useful end, ,
Although they promise strange and great
Discoveries of things far set.
They are but idle dreams and fancies,
A.nd savour strongly of the ganzas.
Tell but rae what's the natural cause
Why on a sign no painter draws
The fuU-raoon ever, but the half?
Resolve that with your Jacob's staff;

ijS HUDIBRAS. [part n..
Or why wolves raise a hubbiib at her,
And dogs howl when she shines in water ?
And I shall freely give ray vote,
You raay know something raore reraote.'
At this, deep Sidrophel looked wise.
And staring round -with owl-like eyes.
He put his face into a posture
Of sapience, and began to bluster ;
For having three tiraes shook his head
To stir his wit up, thus he said :
' Art has no mortal enemies
Next ignorance, but owls and geese ;
Those consecrated geese, in orders,
That to the Capitol were warders.
And being then upon patrol,
AVith noise alone beat off the Gaul ;
Or those Athenian sceptic owls.
That will not credit their own souls.
Or any science understand.
Beyond the reach of eye or hand ;
But measuring all things by their own
Knowledge, hold nothing's to be known ;
Those wholesale critics, that in coffee-
Houses cry down all philosophy.
And vifill not know upon -what ground
In nature we our doctrine found.
Although with pregnant evidence
AVe can demonstrate it to sense.
As I just now have done to you,
Foretelling what you came to know.
A\'ere the stars only raade to light
Robbers and burglarers by night ?
To wait on drunkards, thieves, gold-finders,
And lovers solacing behind doors.
Or giving one another pledges
Of matrimony under hedges ?
(^r witches simpling, and on gibbets
Cutting from malefactors snippets ?
Or from the pillory tips of ears
Of rebel-saints and perjurers ?
(3nly to stand by, and look on.
But not know what is said or done?

CANTO HI.] HUDIBRAS.
Is there a constellation there
That was not born and bred up here ;
And therefore cannot be to learn
In any inferior concern ?
AVere they not, during aU their lives,
Most of 'era pirates, whores, and thieves?
And is it like they have not stiU,
In their old practices, some skill?
Is there a planet that by birth
Does not derive its house from earth ;
And therefore probably must know
What is, and hath been done below.''
AA'ho made the Balance, or whence came
The Bull, the Lion, and the Ram ?
Did not we here the Argo rig.
Make Berenice's periwig ?
Whose livery does the coachman wear?
Or who made Cassiopeia's chair ?
And therefore, as they came from hence,
AVith us may hold intelligence.
Plato denied the world can be
Governed without georaetry.
For money b'ing the common scale
' Of things by measure, weight, and talc,
In all th' affairs of church and state,
'Tis both the balance and the v.'ciglit ;
Then rauch less can it be without
Divine astrology made out
That puts the other down in worth,
As far as heaven's above the earth.'
' These reasons,' quoth the knight, ' i grant
Are something inore significant
Than any that the learned use
Upon this subject to produce;
And yet they're far from satisfactory,
T' establish and keep up your factory.
Th' Egyptians say, the sun has twice
Shifted his setting and his rise ;
Twice has lie risen in the west,
As many times set in the east ;
But whether that be true or no.
The' devU any of you know.

i'S9

i6o' HUDIBRAS. [part n.
Some hold, the heavens, like a top.
Are kept by circulation up,
And were't not for their wheeling round.
They'd instantly fall to the ground ;
As sage Empedocles of old,
And from him modern authors hold
Plato believed the sun and raoon
Below all other planets run.
Sorae Mercury, sorae Venus seat
Above the Sun himself in height.
The learned Scaliger complained
'Gainst what Copernicus raaintained,
That in twelve hundred years, and odd,
The Sun had left its ancient road.
And nearer to the Earth is come
'Bove fifty thousand miles frora home ;
Swore 'twas a most notorious flara.
And he that had so little sharae
To vent such fopperies abroad.
Deserved to have his rurap well clawed ;
Which Monsieur Bodin hearing, swore
That he deserved the rod much raore,
That durst upon a truth give doom,
He knew less than the pope of Rome.
Cardan believed great states depend
Upon the tip o' th' Bear's-tail's end ;
That as she whisked it towards the Sun,
Strowed mighty empires up and down ;
Which others say raust needs be false.
Because your true bears have no tails.
Sorae say the Zodiac constellations
Have long since changed their antique stations
Above a sign, and prove the same
In Taurus now, once in the Ram ;
Affirmed the Trigons chopped and changed,
The watery with the fiery ranged ;
Then how can their effects still hold
To be the same they were of old ?
This, though the art were true, would make
Our modern soothsayers mistake.
And is one cause they tell more lies.
In figures and nativities.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. i6i
Than th' old Chaldean conjurers.
In so many hundred thousand years ;
Besides their nonsense in translating.
For want of accidence and Latin,
Like Idus, and Calendse, englished"
The quarter-days, by skilful linguist ;
And yet with canting, sleight, and cheat,
'Twill serve their turn to do the feat ;
Make fools believe in their foreseeing
Of things before they are in being ;
To swallow gudgeons ere they're catched.
And count their. chickens ere they're hatched;
Make thera the constellations prorapt.
And give 'era back their own accorapt ;
But still the best to hira that gives
The best price for't, or best believes.
Sorae towns, sorae cities, sorae, for brevity,
Have cast the .'versal world's nativity.
And made the infant-stars confess,
Like fools or children, what they please.
Sorae calculate the hidden fates
Of monkeys, puppy-dogs, and cats ;
Sorae running-nags, and fighting-cocks ;
Some love, trade, law-suits, and the stocks :
Sorae take a raeasure of the lives
Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives.
Make opposition, trine, and quartile.
Tell who is barren, and who fertile ;
As if the planet's first aspect
The tender infant did infect
In soul and body, and instil
All future good and future iU ;
Which in their dark fatal'ties lurking,
At destined periods fall a-working.
And break out like the hidden seeds
Of long diseases, into deeds.
In friendships, enraities, and strife.
And all th' emergencies of life :
No sooner does he peep into
The world, but he has done his do,
Catched all diseases, took all physic
That cures or kills a man that is sick ; F

1^2 HUDIBRAS. [part iI,
Married his punctual dose of wives.
Is cuckolded, and breaks, or thrives.
There's but the twinkling of a star
Between a raan of peace and war ;
A thief and justice, fool and knave,
A huffing officer and a slave ;
A crafty lawyer and pickpocket,
A great philosopher and a blockhead ;
A forraal preacher and a player,
A learned physician and raanslayer ;
As if men from the stars did suck
Old age, diseases, and Ul-luck,
And draw, with the first air they breathe.
Battle and raurder, sudden death.
Are not these fine commodities
To be imported frora the skies.
And vended here araong the rabble.
For staple goods and warrantable ?
Like raoney by the Druids borrowed,
In th' other world to be restored.'
Quoth Sidrophel, ' To let you know
You wrong the art and artists too,
Since arguraents are lost on those
That do our principles oppose,
I wUl, although I've done 't before,
Deraonstrate to your sense once more.
And draw a figure that shall tell you
What you, perhaps, forget befel you ;
By way of horary inspection.
Which sorae account our worst erection.
AVith that, he circles draws, and squares.
With cyphers, astral characters.
Then looks 'era o'er to understand 'era.
Although set down hab-nab, at random.
Quoth he, ' This scheme of th' heavens set.
Discovers how in fight you met.
At Kingston, with a may-pole idol.
And that y' were banged both back and side weU;
And though you overcame the bear.
The dogs beat you at Brentford fair ;
Where sturdy butchers broke )'our noddle,
And handled you like a fop doodle.'

CANTO III.] , HUDIBRAS. 163
Qnoth Hudibras, ' I now perceive
You are no conjurer, by your leave :
That paltry story is untrue.
And forged to cheat such gulls as you.'
' Not true !' quoth he ; ' howe'er you vapour,
I can what I affirm make appear ;
Whachura shaU justify it t' your face,
And prove he was upon the place :
He played the saltinbancho's part,
Transforraed t' a Frenchraan by ray art ;
He stole your cloak, and picked your pocket,
Chowsed and caldesed you Uke a blockhead,
A,nd what you lost I can produce.
If you deny it here i' th' house.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' I do believe
That arguraent's deraonstrative ;
Ralpho, bear witness, and go fetch us
A constable to seize the wretches ;
For though they're both false knaves and cheats.
Impostors, jugglers, counterfeits,
I'll make thera serve for perpendic'lars.
As true as e'er were used by bricklayers.
They're guilty, by their own confessions.
Of felony, and at the sessions,
Upon the bench, I will so handle 'em,
That the vibration of this pendulum
Shall make all tailors' yards of one
Unanimous opinion ;
A thing he long has vapoured of.
But now shall raake it out by proof
Quoth Sidrophel, ' I do not doubt
To find friends that will bear me out ;
Nor have I hazarded ray art.
And neck, so long on the state's part.
To be exposed, i' th' end, to suffer
By such a braggadocio buffer.'
' Huffer ! ' quoth Hudibras, ' this sword
Shall down thy false throat crara that word.
Ralpho, make- haste, and call an officer.
To apprehend this Stygian sophister ;
Meanwhile I'U hold 'era at a bay,
Lest he and AVhachum run away.'

1 64 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
But Sidrophel, who frora th' aspect
Of Hudibras, did now erect
A figure worse portending far
Than that of raost malignant star ;
BeUeved it now the fittest moraent
To shun the danger that raight corae on't.
While Hudibras was all alone.
And he and Whachura, two to one.
This being resolved, he spied by chance.
Behind the door, an iron lance.
That many a sturdy lirab had gored.
And legs, and loins, and shoulders bored ;
He snatched it up, and raade a pass.
To raake his way through Hudibras.
Whachum had got a fire-fork,
AVith which he vowed to do his work ;
But Hudibras was well prepared.
And stoutly stood upon his guard :
He put by Sidrophello's thrust.
And in right manfully he rushed ;
The weapon from his gripe he wrung.
And laid him on the earth along.
Whachura his sea-coal prong threw by.
And basely turned his back to fly ;
But Hudibras gave him a twitch,
As quick as lightning, in the breech.
Just in the place where honour's lodged,
As wise philosophers have judged ;
Because a kick in that part more
Hurts honour, than deep wounds before.
Quoth Hudibras, ' The stars determine
You are my prisoners, base vermin :
Could they not teU you so, as well
As what I came to know, foretell ?
By this, what cheats you are, we find,
That in your own concerns are blind.
Your lives are now at my dispose.
To be redeemed by fine or blows :
But who his honour would defile.
To take, or seU, two lives so vile ?
I'll give you quarter ; but your pillage.
The conquering warrior's crop and tillage,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. ' 165
AVhich with his sword he reaps and ploughs,
That's raine, the law of arms allows.'
This said in haste, in haste he fell
To ruraraaging of Sidrophel.
First he expounded both his pockets.
And found a watch, with rings and lockets,
Which had been left with him t' erect
A figure for, and so detect ;
A copperplate, with almanacks
Engraved upon't, with other knacks
Of Booker's, LUly's, Sarah Jiramers,
And blank-schemes to discover nimmers ;
A moon-dial, with Napier's bones.
And several constellation stones,
Engraved in planetary hours.
That over mortals had strange powers
To raake 'era thrive in law or trade,
And stab or poison to evade ;
In wit or wisdora to iraprove.
And be victorious in love.
Whachura had neither cross nor pile,
His plunder was not worth the while ;
All which the conqueror did discompt.
To pay for curing of his rurap.
But Sidrophel, as full of tricks
As Rota-raen of politics.
Straight cast ahout to over-reach
Th' unwary conqueror with a fetch,
And make him glad, at least, to quit
His victory, and fly the pit
Before the secular prince of darkness
Arrived to seize upon his carcass :
And as a fox with hot pursuit,
Chased through a warren, casts about
To save his credit, and among
Dead vermin on a gallows hung.
And, while the dogs run underneath.
Escaped by counterfeiting death,
Not out of cunning, but a train
Of atoms justUng in his brain.
As learned phUosophers give out ;
So Sidrophello cast about.

1 66 HUDIBRAS. [part ii.
And fell to 's wonted trade again, '
To feign hiraself in earnest slain :
First stretched out one leg, then another,
And, seeming in his breast to smother
A broken sigh, quoth he, ' Where am I ?
Alive, or dead ? or which way came I
Through so iraraense a space so soon ?
But now I thought myself i' th' moon,
And that a monster, with huge whiskers.
More formidable than a Switzer's,
My body through and through had drUled,
And Whachura by my side had kUled,
Had cross-examined both our hose.
And plundered all we had to lose ;
Look, there he is, I see him now.
And feel the place I am run through :
And there lies Whachura by ray side
Stone-dead, and in his own blood dyed.
Oh ! oh ! ' — with that he fetched a groan.
And fell again into a swoon ;
Shut both his eyes, and stopped his breath,
And to the life out-acted death.
That Hudibras, to all appearing.
Believed hira to be as dead as herring.
He held it now no longer safe
To tarry the return of Ralph,
But rather leave him in the lurch :
Thought he, ' He has abused our church.
Refused to give himself one firk
To carry on the pubUc work ;
Despised our synod-men like dirt,
And raade their discipline his sport ;
Divulged the secrets of their classes.
And their conventions proved high places ;
Disparaged their tithe-pigs, as pagan.
And set at nought their cheese and bacon ;
Railed at their covenant, and jeered
Their reverend parsons, to my beard ;
For all which scandals, to be quit
At once, this juncture faUs out fit.
I'll make hira henceforth, to beware,
And tempt my fury, if he dare :

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 167
He must, at least, hold up his hand,
Ry twelve free-holders to be scanned,
Who, by their skiU in palmistry.
Will quickly read his destiny.
And raake him glad to read his lesson,
Or take a turn for't at the session :
Unless his light and gifts prove truer
Than ever yet they did, I'ra sure ;
For if he 'scape with whipping now,
'Tis raore than he can hope to do ;
And that will disengage my conscience
Of th' obligation, in his own sense :
I'll raake hira now by force abide.
What he by gentle means denied.
To give my honour satisfaction,
And right the brethren in the action.'
This being resolved, with equal speed,
And conduct, he approached his steed.
And, with activity unwont.
Essayed the lofty beast to mount ;
Which once achieved, he spurred his palfrey,
To get frora th' eneray and Ralph free ;
Left danger, fears, and foes behind.
And beat,' at least three lengths, the wind.

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO
SIDROPHEL.
Ecce iterum Crispinus.
Well, Sidrophel, though 'tis in vain
To tamper with your crazy brain,
Avithout trepanning of your skull.
As often as the moon's at full,
'Tis not amiss, ere ye're given o'er,
To try one desperate medicine more ;
For where your case can be no worse.
The desp'rat'st is the wisest course.
Is't possible that you, whose ears
Are of the tribe of Issachar's,
And might, with equal reason, either
For merit, or extent of leather,
AVith AVUliara Prynne's, before they were
Retrenched, and crucified, compare.
Should yet be deaf against a noise
So roaring as the public voice ?
That speaks your virtues free and loud.
And openly in every crowd.
As loud as one that sings his part
T' a wheelbarrow, or turnip-cart.
Or your new nicked-naraed old invention
To cry green-hastings with an engine ;
As if the vehemence had stunned.
And torn your drumheads with the sound ;
And 'cause your folly's now no news.
But overgrown, and out of use.
Persuade yourself there's no such matter,
But that 'tis vanished out of nature ;
AVhen folly, as it grows in years.
The raore extravagant appears ;
For who but you could be possessed
AVith so rauch ignorance and beast.
That neither all raen's scorn and hate
Nor being laughed and pointed at,

HUDIBRAS Io SIDROPHEL. 169
Nor brayed so often in a mortar,
Can teach you wholesorae sense and nurture.
But, like a reprobate, what course
Soever used, grow worse and worse ?
Can no transfusion of the blood,
That makes fools cattle, do you good ?
Nor putting pigs t' a bitch to nurse.
To turn them into mongrel curs.
Put you into a -way, at least,
To make yourself a better beast ?
Can all your critical intrigues.
Of trying sound frora rotten eggs.;
Your several new-found reraedies.
Of curing wounds and scabs in trees ;
Your arts of fluxing thera perhaps.
Or purging their infected saps ;
Recovering cankers, crystallines.
And nodes and blotches in their rinds,
Have no effect to operate
Upon that duller block, your pate ?
But StUl it must be lewdly bent
To teinpt your own due punishment;
And, like your whimsied chariots, draw
The boys to course you without law ;
As if the art you have so long
Professed, of making old dogs young.
In you had virtue to renew
Not only youth, but chUdhood too :
Can you, that understand all books.
By judging only with your looks.
Resolve, all probleras with your face.
As others do with Bs and As ;
Unriddle all that raankind knows
With solid bending of your brows ;
All arts and sciences advance,
With screwing of your countenance.
And with a penetrating eye.
Into th' abstrusest learning pry ;
Know more of any trade b' a hint.
Than those that have been bred up in't.
And yet have no art, true or false.
To help your own bad naturals ?

170 HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. ¦
' But still the more you strive t' appear.
Are found to be the wretcheder :
For fools are known by looking wise.
As raen find woodcocks by their eyes.
Hence 'tis that 'cause ye 'ave gained o' th' college
A quarter share, at most, of knowledge.
And brought in none, but spent repute,
Y' assume a power as absolute
To judge, and censure, and control.
As if you were the sole Sir Poll,
And saucily to pretend to know
More than your dividend comes to :
You'll find the thing will not be done
With ignorance and face alone :
No, though ye 'ave purchased to your name,
In history, so great a fame ;
That now your talent's so well known.
For having all belief outgrown,
That every strange prodigious tale
Is measured by your German scale,
By which the virtuosi try
The magnitude of every Ue,
Cast up to what it does amount.
And place the bigg'st to your account :
That all those stories that are laid
Too truly to you, and those made.
Are now still charged upon your score.
And lesser authors named no more.
Alas ! that faculty betrays
Those soonest it designs to raise ;
And all your vain reno-wn will spoU,
As guns o'ercharged the more recoil ;
Though he that has but impudence.
To all things has a fair pretence ;
And put araong his wants but shame.
To all the world may lay his claira :
Though you have tried that nothing's borne
With greater ease than public scorn,
That all affronts do still give place
To your irapenetrable face ;
That makes your way through all affairs.
As pigs through hedges creep with theirs :

HUDIBRAS TO SIDROPHEL. 171
Yet as 'tis counterfeit, and brass.
You must not think 'twill alway? pass ;
For all impostors, when they're known,
Are past their labour, and undone :
And all the best that can befal
An artificial natural.
Is that which madraen find, as soon
As once they're broke loose frora the moon.
And, proof against her influence.
Relapse to e'er so little sense.
To turn stark fools, and subjects fit
For sport of boys, and rabble wit.

PART III.— CANTO I.
THE ARGUMENT.
The knight and squire resolve at once
The one the other to renounce ;
They both approach the lady's bower.
The squire t' inform, the knight to woo her.
She treats them with a masquerade.
By furies and hobgoblins made ;
From which the squire conveys the knight.
And steals him from himself by night.
'Tis true, no lover has that power
T' enforce a desperate amour.
As he that has two strings t' his bow.
And burns for love and money too ;
For then he's brave and resolute.
Disdains to render in his suit ;
Has all his flaraes and raptures double,
And hangs or drowns with half the trouble ;
While those who siUily pursue
The siraple, downright way, and true.
Make as unlucky applications.
And steer against the streara their passions.
Sorae forge their mistresses of stars,
And when the ladies prove averse.
And raore untoward to be won
Than by Caligula the raoon.
Cry out upon the stars for doing
IU offices, to cross their wooing,
When only by theraselves they're hindered.
For trusting those they made her kindred.
And still the harsher and hide-bounder,
The damsels prove, become the fonder ;
For what mad lover ever died
To gain a soft and gentle bride ?
Or for a lady tender-hearted.
In purling streams, or hemp departed ?

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 173
Leaped headlong int' Elysium,
Through th' windows of a dazzling room ?
But for some cross Ul-natured dame.
The amorous fly burnt in his flame.
This to the knight would be no news.
With all mankind so much in use.
Who therefore took the wiser course,
To make the most of his amours.
Resolved to try all sorts of ways.
As follows in due time and place.
No sooner was the bloody fight
Between the wizard and the knight.
With all th' appurtenances over.
But he relapsed again t' a lover ;
As he was always wont to do.
When he 'ad discorafited a foe.
And used the only antique philters
Derived frora old heroic tilters.
But now triumphant and victorious,
He held th' achieveraent was too glorious
For such a conqueror to meddle
With petty constable or beadle ;
Or fly for refuge to the hostess
Of th' inns of court and chancery, justice ;
Who might, perhaps, reduce his cause
To th' ordeal trial of the laws ;
Where none escape, but such as branded
With red-hot irons, have past bare-handed ;
And if they cannot read one verse
I' th' psalms, raust sing it, and that's worse.
He, therefore, judging it below hira
To terapt a shame the devil raight owe him.
Resolved to leave the squire for bail
And mainprize for hira^ to the jail,
To answer, with his vessel, all
That raight disastrously befal.
He thought it now the fittest juncture
To give the lady a rencounter,
T' acquaint her with his expedition,
And conquest o'er the fierce magician ;
Describe the manner of the fray.
And show the spoils he brougnt away ;

174

HUDIBRAS. [part ill.
His bloody scourging aggravate,
The number of the blows, and weight ;
All which might probably succeed.
And gain belief he 'ad done the deed :
Which he resolved t' enforce, and spare
No pawning of his soul to swear ;
But, rather than produce his back.
To set his conscience on the rack ;
And in pursuance of his urging
Of articles performed, and scourging.
And aU things else, upon his part,
Deraand delivery of her heart.
Her goods and chattels, and good graces.
And person, up to his embraces.
Thought he, the ancient errant knights
Won all their ladies' hearts in fights.
And cut whole giants into fitters.
To put thera into araorous twitters ;
Whose stubborn bowels scorned to yield,
Until their gaUants were half killed ;
But when their bones were drubbed so sore,
They durst not woo one corabat more,
The ladies' hearts began to melt.
Subdued by blows their lovers felt
So Spanish heroes, with their lances.
At once wound buUs, and ladies' fancies ;
And he acquires the noblest spouse
That widows greatest herds of cows ;
Then what may I expect to do.
Who 'ave queUed so vast a bufifalo ?
Meanwhile the squire was on his way.
The knight's late orders to obey ;
Who sent him for a strong detachment
Of beadles, constables, and watchmen,
T' attack the cunning-man, for plunder
Committed falsely on his lumber ;
When he, who had so lately sacked
The eneray, had done the fact.
Had rifled all his pokes and fobs
Of giracracks, whiras, and.jiggurabobs.
Which he by hook or crook had gathered,
And for his own inventions fathered ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS.
And when they should, at gaol delivery.
Unriddle one another's thievery.
Both might have evidence enough
To render neither halter-proof
He thought it desperate to tarry.
And venture to be accessory ;
But rather wisely slip his fetters.
And leave them for the knight, his betters.
He called to mind th' unjust foul play
He would have offered hira that day.
To make him curry his own hide.
Which no beast ever did beside.
Without all possible evasion.
But of the riding dispensation ;
And therefore, rauch about the hour
The knight, for reasons told before,
Resolved to leave hira to the fury
Of justice, and an unpacked jury,
The squire concurred t' abandon hira,
And serve hira in the self-same trim ;
T' acquaint the lady what he 'ad done,
And what he meant to carry on ;
What project 't was he went about.
When Sidrophel and he fell out ;
His firra and steadfast resolution,
To swear her to an execution ;
To pawn his inward ears to raarry her.
And bribe the devil hiraself to carry her.
In which both dealt, as if they meant
Their party-saints to represent.
Who never failed, upon their sharing
In any prosperous arms-bearing.
To lay themselves out to supplant
Each other cousin-gerraan saint.
But ere the knight could do his part.
The squire had got so rauch the start.
He 'ad to the lady done his errand.
And told her all his tricks aforehand.
Just as he finished his report.
The knight alighted in the court.
And having tied his beast t' a pale.
And taking time for both to stale.

175

176 Hudibras. [part m.
He put his band and beard in order,
The sprucer to accost and board her :
And now began t' approach the door,
When she, wh' had spied him out before.
Conveyed th' informer out of sight.
And went to entertain the knight :
With whom encountering, after longees
Of humble and submissive congees.
And aU due cereraonies paid,
i-ie stroked his beard, and thus he said :
' Madara, I do, as is ray duty.
Honour the shadow of your shoe-tie ;
And now ara corae, to bring your ear
A present you'll be glad to hear ;
At least I hope so : the thing's done,
Or may I never see the sun ;
For which I hurably now demand
Perforraance at your gentle hand ;
And that you'd please to do your part.
As I have done raine, to ray smart.'
With that he shrugged his sturdy back.
As if he felt his shoulders ache :
But she, who well enough knew what,
Before he spoke, he would be at.
Pretended not to apprehend
The mystery of what he meaned.
And therefore wished hira to expound
His dark expressions less profound.
' Madara,' quoth he, ' I corae to prove
How rauch I've suffered for your love,
Which, Uke your votary, to win,
I have not spared ray tattered skin ;
And, for those raeritorious lashes.
To claira your favour and good graces.'
Quoth she, ' I do reraember once
I freed you from th' inchanted sconce ;
And that you promised, for that favour.
To bind your back to 'ts good behaviour ;
And for my sake and service, vowed
To lay upon 't a heavy load.
And what 't would bear 't a scruple prove.
As other knights do oft make love ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. j'j'j
Which, whether you have done or no,
Concerns yourself, not rae, to know ;
But if you have, I shaU confess,
Y' are honester than I could guess.'
Quoth he, ' If you suspect my troth,
I cannot prove it but by oath ;
And, if you make a question on't,
I'll pawn my soul that I have don't :
And he that makes his soul his surety,
I think, does give the best secur'ty.'
Quoth she, ' Some say the soul's secure
Against distress and forfeiture ;
Is free from action, and exempt
From execution and contempt ;
And to be summoned to appear
In th' other world's illegal here,
And therefore few make any account,
Int' what incumbrances they run't :
' For raost raen carry things so even
Between this world, and hell, and heaven,
Without the least offence to either.
They freely deal in all together.
And equally abhor to quit
This world for both, or both for it ;
And when they pawn and damn their souls.
They are but prisoners on paroles.'
' For that,' quoth he, ' 'tis rational.
They raay be accountable in all :
For when there is that intercourse
Between divine and human powers,
That all that we determine here
Commands obedience every where ;
AVhen penalties may be commuted
For fines, or ears, and executed.
It follows, nothing binds so fast
As souls in pawn and raortgage past :
For oaths are th' only tests and scales
Of right and wrong, and true and false ;
And there's no other way to try
The doubts of law and justice by.'
Quoth she, ' What is it you would swear ?
There's no believing till I hear :

i78 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
For, till they're understood, all tales.
Like nonsense, are not true nor false.'
Quoth he, ' When I resolved t' obey
What you coraraanded th' other day.
And to perforra ray exercise.
As schools are wont, for your fair eyes ;
T' avoid all scruples in the case,
I went to do't upon the place ;
But as the castle is inchanted
By Sidrophel the witch, and haunted
With evil spirits, as you know,
AVho took ray squire and rae for two.
Before I'd hardly tirae to lay
My weapons by, and disarray,
I heard a forraidable noise.
Loud as the Stentrophonic voice.
That roared far off, — " Dispatch, and strip,
I'm ready with th' infernal whip.
That shall divest thy ribs of skin.
To expiate thy lingering sin ;
Thou 'ast broke perfidiously thy oath.
And not performed thy plighted troth,
But spared thy renegade back.
Where th' hadst so great a prize at stake.
Which now the Fates have ordered rae.
For penance and revenge, to flea.
Unless thou presently raake haste ;
Tirae is, tirae was : " — and there it ceased.
With which, though startled, I confess.
Yet th' horror of the, thing %vas less
Than th' other disraal apprehension
Of interruption or prevention ;
And therefore, snatching up the rod,
I laid upon ray back a load.
Resolved to spare no flesh and blood.
To raake my word and honour good ;
TUl tired, and taking truce at length.
For new recruits of breath and strength,
I felt the blows stiU plied as fast,
As if they 'ad been by lovers placed.
In raptures of Platonic lashing.
And chaste contemplative bardashing ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. , 179
When facing hastily about.
To stand upon my guard and scout,
I found th' infernal cunning-raan.
And th' under-witch, his CaUban,
With scourges, like the furies, arraed,
That on my outward quarters stormed.
In haste I snatched my weapon up.
And gave their hellish rage a stop ;
Called thrice upon your name, and fell
Courageously on Sidrophel,
Who now, transformed himself t' a bear.
Began to roar aloud, and tear ;
When I as furiously pressed on.
My weapon down his throat to run,
Laid hold on him ; but he broke loose,
And turned himself into a goose,
Dived under water, in a pond.
To hide hiraself from being, found.
In vain I sought him ; but as soon
As I perceived him fled and gone,
Prepared, with equal haste and rage.
His under-sorcerer t' engage ;
But bravely scorning to defile
My sword with feeble blood, and vile,
I judged it better from a quick-
Set hedge to cut a knotted stick,
With which I furiously laid on :
Till in a harsh and doleful tone.
It roared, — " O hold, for pity, Sir,
I ara too great a sufferer.
Abused, as you have been, b' a witch.
But conjured int' a worse caprich,
Who sends me out on many a jaunt.
Old houses in the night to haunt.
For opportunities t' improve
Designs of thievery or love ;
With drugs conveyed in drink or meat,
AU feats of witches counterfeit ;
KiU pigs and geese with powdered glass.
And make it for enchantraent pass ;
With cow-itch meazle like a leper.
And choke with fumes of guinea pepper ;

i8o

HUDIBRAS. [part ill.
Bewitch herraetic-raen to run
Stark staring mad with manicon ;
Believe raechanic virtuosi
Can raise 'era raountains in Potosi ;
And, sillier than the antic fools.
Take treasure for a heap of coals ;
Seek out for plants with signatures,
To quack off universal cures.
With figures, ground on panes of glass,
Make people on their heads to pass ;
And raighty heaps of coin increase.
Reflected frora a single piece ;
To draw in fools, whose natural itches
Incline perpetually to witches.
And keep me in contuiual fears.
And danger of my neck and ears ;
With less delinquents have been scourged,
And hemp on wooden anvUs forged,
Which others for cravats have worn
About their necks, and took a turn." —
' I pitied the sad punishment
The -wretched caitiff underwent.
And held ray drubbing of his bones
Too great an honour for poltroons ;
For knights are bound to feel no blows
Frora paltry and unequal foes,
AVho, when they slash and cut to pieces.
Do all with civillest addresses :
Their horses never give a blow,
But when they raake a leg and bow.
I therefore spared his flesh, and pressed him
About the witch, with raany a quest'on.
Quoth he, — For many years he drove
A kind of broking-trade in love,
Eraployed in all th' intrigues and trust.
Of feeble speculative lust ;
Procurer to th' extravagancy
And crazy ribaldry of fancy.
By those the devil had forsook,
As things below him, to provoke;
But being a virtuoso, able
To "Smatter, quack, and cant and dabble,

canto i.J ' HUDIBRAS. igf
He held his talent raost adroit.
For any mystical exploit.
As others of his tribe had done.
And raised their prices three to one.
But as an elf, the devil's valet.
Is not so slight a thing to get.
For those that do his business best.
In hell are used the ruggedest ;
Before so meriting a person
Could get a grant, but in reversion.
He served two 'prenticeships, and longer,
I' th' mystery of a lady-monger.
For, as some write, a witch's ghost.
As soon as frora the body loosed.
Becomes a puisney-imp itself.
And is another witch's elf;
He, after searching far and near.
At length found one in Lancashire,
With whora he bargained beforehand.
And, after hanging, entertained :
Since which he 'as played a thousand feats.
And practised all raechanic cheats ;
Transforraed himself to th' ugly shapes
Of wolves and bears, baboons and apes,
Which he has varied raore than witches.
Or Pharaoh's wizards could their switches ;
And all with whora he 'as had to do.
Turned to as monstrous figures too ;
Witness rayself, whom he 'as abused,
And to this beastly shape reduced.
By feeding me on beans and peas
He craras in nasty crevices.
And turns to corafits by his arts.
To make rae relish for desserts,
And one by one, with shame and fear.
Lick up the candied provender.
Beside ' — -rBut as h' was running on.
To tell what other feats h' had done,
Tl;ie lady stopped his full career.
And told him, now 'twas time to hear.
' If half those things,' said she, ' be true,'—
' They're all,' quoth he, ' I swear by you.'

1 82 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
' Why then,' said she, ' that Sidrophel
Has daraned hiraself to th' pit of hell.
Who, mounted on a broom, the nag
And hackney of a Lapland hag.
In quest of you came hither post.
Within an hour, I'm sure, at most.
Who told rae aU you swear and say,
Quite contrary another way ;
Vowed that you came to him, to know
If you should carry me or no ;
And would have hired him and his imps.
To be your match-raakers and pimps,
T' engage the devU on your side,
Ahd steal, like Proserpine, your bride ;
But he, disdaining to embrace
So filthy a design, and base,
You fell to vapouring and huffing.
And drew upon hira Uke a ruffian ;
Surprised hira raeanly, unprepared.
Before he 'ad tirae to raount his guard,
And left him dead upon the ground.
With many a bruise and desperate wound ;
Swore you had broke and robbed his house.
And stole his talismanique louse,
And all his new-found old inventions,
With flat felonious intentions,
AVhich he could bring out where he had,
And what he bought 'em for, and paid :
His flea, his raorpion, and punese,
He 'ad gotten for his proper ease,
And all in perfect rainutes made,
By th' ablest artist of the trade ;
Which, he could prove it, since he lost.
He has been eaten up almost,
And altogether, might amount
To many hundreds on account ;
For which he 'ad got sufficient warrant
To seize the malefactors errant,
Without capacity of bail,
But of a cart's or horse's tail ;
And did not doubt to bring the wretches
To serve for pendulums to watches,

canto I.] HUDIBRAS.
Which, raodern virtuosi say,\
Incline to hanging every way.
Beside, he swore, and swore 'twas true,
That ere he went in quest of you.
He set a figure to discover
If you were fled to Rye or Dover ;
And found it clear, that to betray.
Yourselves and rae, you fled this way ;
And that he was upon pursuit,
To take you soraewhere hereabout
He vowed he had intelligence
Of, all that passed before and since ;
And found, that ere you carae to hira,
Y' had been engaging life and limb
About a case of tender conscience.
Where both abounded in your own sense ;
TUl Ralpho, by his light and grace.
Had cleared aU scruples in the case,
And proved that you raight swear and o-ivn
Whatever's by the wicked done ;
For which, most basely to requite
The service of his gifts and light.
You strove t' oblige him,' by raain force.
To scourge his ribs instead of yours ;
But that he stood ijpon his guard.
And all your vapouring outdared ;
For which, between you both, the feat
Has never been perforraed as yet.'
While thus the lady talked, the knight
Turned th' outside of his eyes to white ;
. As raen of inward Ught are wont
To turn their optics in upon't ;
He wondered how she came to know
Ayhat he had done, and meant to do ;
Held up his affidavit-hand.
As if he 'ad been to be arraigned ;
Cast towards the door a ghastly look.
In dread of Sidrophel, and spoke :
' Madara, if but one word be true
Of all the wizard has told you.
Or but one single circurastance
In aU th' apocryphal roraance,

183

1 84 HUDIBRAS. [part lii.
May dreadful earthquakes swallow down
This vessel, that is all your own ;
Or may the heavens fall, and cover
These relics of your constant lover.'
' You have provided well,' quoth she,
' I thank you, for yourself and me.
And shown your Presbyterian wits
Jump punctual with the Jesuits :
A most corapendious way, and civil.
At once to cheat the world, the devil.
And heaven and hell, yourselves, and those
On whora you vainly think f impose.'
' Why then,' quoth he, ' may hell surprise,' —
'That trick,' said she, ' -will not pass twice:
I've leaped how far I'ra to believe
Your pinning oaths upon your sleeve :
But there's a better way of clearing
AVhat you would prove, than downright swearing;
P'or if you have performed the feat.
The blows are visible as yet.
Enough to serve for satisfaction
Of nicest scruples in the action ;
And if you can produce those knobs,
Although they're but the witch's drubs,
I'll pass thera all upon account.
As if your natural self had done 't.'
' Madam,' quoth he, ' your love's a miUion,
To do is less than to be willing,
T • -
As I am, were it in my power,
T' obey what you coraraand, and raore ;
But for perforraing what you bid,
I thank you as rauch as if I did.
You know I ought to have a care.
To keep ray wounds from taking air ;
For wounds in those that are all heart,
Are dangerous in any part.'
' I find,' quoth she, ' my goods and chattels
Are like to prove but raere drawn battles ;
For still the longer we contend,
AVe are but farther off the end.
But granting now we should agree.
What is it you expect frora rae ? '

canto I.] HUDIBRAS. 185
' Your plighted faith,' quoth he, ' and word
You passed in heaven, on record.
Where all contracts to have and t' hold.
Are everlastingly enrolled ;
And if 'tis counted treason here
To raise records, 'tis rauch raore there.'
Quoth she, ' There are no bargains driven,
Nor marriages clapped up, in heaven ;
And that's the reason, as some guess.
There is no heaven in marriages, —
Two things that naturally press
Too narrowly, to be at ease ;
Their business there is only love,
AVhich marriage is not like t' iraprove ;
Love, that's too gen'rous t' abide
To be against its nature tied ;
For where 'tis of itself incUned,
It breaks loose when it is confined.
And like the soul, its harbourer.
Debarred the freedom of the air.
Disdains against its will to stay.
But struggles out, and flies away :
And therefore ijever can comply
T' endure the matriraonial tie.
That binds the female and the male.
Where th' one is but the other's bail ;
Like Roraan gaolers, when they slept.
Chained to the prisoners they kept :
Of which the true and faithfuU'st lover
Gives best security to suffer.
Marriage is but a beast, some say.
That carries double in foul way.
And therefore 'tis not to b' admired
It should so suddenly be tired ;
A bargain, at a venture made.
Between two partners in a trade ;
For what's inferred by t' have and t' hold.
But something past away, and sold ?
That, as it makes but one of two,
Reduces all things else as low ;
And at the best is but a mart
Between the one and th' other part,

i86 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
That on the marriage-day is paid.
Or hour of death, the bet is laid.
A law that most unjustly yokes
All Johns of StUes to Joans of Nokes,
AVithout distinction of degree,
Condition, age, or quality ;
Admits no power of revocation.
Nor valuable consideration.
Nor writ of error, nor reverse
Of judgment past, for better or worse ;
Will not allow the pri-vileges
That beggars chaUenge under hedges.
Who, when they're grieved, can make dead horses
Their spiritual judges of divorces ;
While nothing else but rem in re
Can set the proudest wretches free ;
A slavery beyond enduring.
But that 'tis of their own procuring.
As spiders never seek the fly,
But leave him, of himself, t' apply ;
So men are by themselves eraployed,
To quit the freedora they enjoyed.
And run their necks into a noose.
They'd break 'era after to break loose.
As sorae, whora death would not depart.
Have done the feat themselves by art :
Like Indian widows, gone to bed.
In flaramg curtains, to the dead ;
And men as often dangled for't
And yet will never leave the sport.
Nor do the ladies want excuse
For all the stratagems they use ;
For as the Pythagorean soul
Runs through all beasts, and fish, and fowl,
And has a smack of every one.
So love does, and has ever done ;
And therefore, though 'tis ne'er so fond.
Takes strangely to the vagabond.
'Tis but an ague that's reversed,
AVhose hot fit takes the patient first.
That after burns with cold as much
As iron in Greenland does the touch ;

GANTO I.] HUDIBRAS.
Melts in the furnace of desire,
Like glass, that's but the ice of fire ;
And when his heat of fancy's 'over.
Becomes as hard and frail a lover :
For when he's with love-powder laden.
And primed and cocked by Miss, or Madara,
The sraallest sparkle of an eye '
Gives fire to his artillery.
And off the loud oaths go, but, while
They're in the very act, recoil :
Hence 'tis so few dare take their chance
Without a separate maintenance ;
And widows, who have tried one lover.
Trust not again tUl they've made over ;
Or if they do, before they raarry.
The foxes weigh the geese they carry ;
And ere they venture o'er a streara,
Know how to size theraselves and thera.
Whence wittiest ladies always choose
To undertake the heaviest goose.
Though when their heroes 'spouse the daraes.
We hear no raore of charms and flames ;
For then their late attracts decline.
And turn as eager as pricked wine ;
And all their caterwauling tricks.
In earnest to as jealous piques.
Which th' ancients -wisely signified
By th' yellow mantos of the bride.
For 'tis in vain to think to guess
At woraen by appearances.
That paint and patch their imperfections
Of inteUectual complexions,
And daub their tempers o'er with washes
As artificial as their faces ;
Wear under vizard-masks their talents
And mother-wits before their gallants ;
Until they're hampered in the noose,
Too fast to dream of breaking loose ;
When all the flaws they strove to hide
Are made unready with the bride.
That with her wedding-clothes undresses
Her complaisance and gentilesses ;

187

1 88 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
Tries all her arts to take upon her
The governraent from th' easy owner ;
Until the wretch is glad to wave
His lawful right, and turn her slave ;
Find all his having and his holding.
Reduced t' eternal noise and scolding ;
The conjugal petard, that tears
Down all portcullises of ears.
And makes the volley of one tongue
For all their leathern shields too strong ;
When only armed with noise and nails.
The feraale sUkworras ride the raales.'
Quoth he, ' These reasons are but strains
Of wanton, over-heated brains,
AVhich ralliers in their wit or drink
Do rather wheedle with, than think.
Man was not raan in Paradise,
Until he was created twice.
And had his better half, his bride.
Carved frora th' original, his side,
T' araend his natural defects,
And perfect his recruited sex.
His body, that stupendous frame.
Of all the world the anagram.
Is of two equal parts compact.
In shape and symraetry exact.
Of which the left and feraale side
Is to the manly right a bride.
Both joined together with such art.
That nothing else but death can part.
Those heavenly attracts of yours, your eyes,
And face, that all the world surprise.
That dazzle all that look upon ye,
And scorch all other ladies tawny ;
Those ravishing and charming graces,
Are all made up of two half faces
That, in a mathematic line.
Like those in other heavens, join ;
Of which, if either grew alone,
'Twould fright as much to look upon .
And so would that sweet bud, your lip,
Without the other's fellowship.

cA^To I.] Hudibras. 189
Our noblest senses act by pairs.
Two eyes to see, to hear two ears ;
Th' inteUigencers of the mind,
To wait upon the soul designed :
But those that serve the body alone.
Are single and confined to one.
The world is but two parts, that meet
And close at th' equinoctial fit ;
And so are all the works of nature,
Stamped with her signature on matter ;
Which all her creatures, to a leaf.
Or smaUest blade of grass, receive.
All which sufficiently declare
How entirely marriage is her care.
The only raethod that she uses.
In all the wonders she produces :
And those that take their rules frora her
Can never be deceived, nor err :
For what secures the civil life.
But pawns of children, and a wife ?
That lie, like hostages, at stake.
To pay for all men undertake ;
To whora it is as necessary,
As to be born and breathe, to raarry ;
So universal, all raankind
In nothing else is of one mind :
For in what stupid age or nation,
AVas marriage ever out of fashion?
Unless araong the Amazons,
Or cloistered friars and vestal nuns.
For what can we pretend t' inherit.
Unless the marriage-deed will bear it ?
Could claim no right to lands or rents.
But for our parents' settlements ;
Had been but younger sons o' th' earth.
Debarred it all, but for our birth.
What honours, or estates of peers.
Could be preserved but by their heirs ;
And what security maintains
Their right and title, but the banns ?
What crowns could be hereditary,
' If greatest monarchs did not raarry,

1 90 . HUDIBRAS. , [part HI,
And with their consorts consummate
Their weightiest interests of state ?
For all the amours of princes are
But guarantees of peace or war.
Or what but marriage has a charm.
The rage of empires to disarm ?
Make blood and desolation cease.
And fire and sword unite in peace.
When all their fierce contests for forage
Conclude in articles of marriage ?
And though some fits of sraall contest
Soraetiraes fall out among the best.
That is no more than every lover
Does from his hackney-lady suffer ;
That makes no breach of faith and love.
But rather, sometimes, serves t' improve :
For as, in running, every pace
Is but between two legs a race,
In which both do their uttermost
To get before, and win the post ;
Yet when they're at their races' ends.
They're still as kind and constant friends.
And, to relieve their weariness.
By turns give one another ease ;
So all those false alarms of strUe
Between the husband and the wife.
And little qu.arrels, often prove
To be but new recruits of love ;
When those who're always kind or coy.
In tirae raust either tire or cloy.
Nor are their loudest clamours more
Than as they're relished, sweet or sour;
Like music, that proves bad or good.
According as 'tis understood.
In all amours a lover burns
With frowns, as weU as smUes, by turns ;
And hearts have been as oft with sullen.
As charming looks, surprised and stolen ;
Then why should more bewitching clamour
Some lovers not as rauch enamour ?
For discords make the sweetest airs,
And curses are a kind of prayers ;

CANTO I.J. HUDIBRAS. 191
Two slight alloys for all those grand
Felicities by raarriage gained :
For nothing else has power to settle
Th' interests of love perpetual;
An act and deed that raakes one heart
Become another's counterpart, >
And passes fines on faith and love,
InroUed and registered above.
To seal the slippery knots of vows.
Which nothing else but death can loose.
And what security's too strong
To guard that gentle heart from wrong.
That to its friend is glad to pass
Itself away, and all it has.
And, like an anchorite, gives over
This world, for the heaven of a lover ? '
' I grant,' quoth she, ' there are sorae few
Who take that course, and find it true ;
But milUons whora the sarae does sentence
To heaven, b' another way, repentance.
Love's arrows are but shot at rovers,
, Though all they hit they turn to lovers,
An4 all the weighty consequents
Depend upon raore blind events
Than garaesters when they play a set.
With greatest cunning, at piquet.
Put out with caution, but take in
They know not what, unsight, unseen
For what do lovers, when they're fast
In one another's arras embraced,
But strive to plunder and convey
Each other, like a prize away ?
To change the property of selves.
As sucking children are by elves ?
And if they use their persons so.
What wUl they to their fortunes do ?
Their fortunes ! the perpetual airas
Of aU their ecstasies and flaraes.
For when the raoney's on the book.
And ' all my worldly goods ' — but spoke,
The forraal livery and seisin
That puts a lover in possession ;

192 HUDIBRAS. [pArt III.
To that alone the bridegroom's wedded,
The bride a flam that's superseded ;
To that their faith is still raade good.
And all the oaths to us they vowed ;
For when we once resign our powers,
W' have nothing left we can call ours :
Our money's now becorae the miss
Of all your lives and services ;
AVhich as it made y' at first gallant us.
So now hires others to supplant us.
Until 'tis all turned out of doors.
As we had been, for new amours.
For what did ever heiress yet.
By being born to lordships, get ?
When the more lady she's of manors.
She's but exposed to more trepanners.
Pays for their projects and designs.
And for her own destruction fines ;
And does but tempt them with her riches.
To use her as the devU does witches.
Who takes it for a special grace
To be their cully for a space,
That, when the time's expired, the drazels
For ever may become his vassals :
So she, bewitched by rooks and spirits.
Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits ;
Until they force her to convey
And steal the thief himself away.
These are the everlasting fruits
Of aU your passionate love-suits,
Th' effects of all your amorous fancies.
To portions and inheritances ;
Your love-sick rapture for fruition
Of dowry, iointure, and tuition ;
To which you raake address and courtship.
And with your bodies strive to worship.
That th' infant's fortunes may partake
Of love too, for the mother's sake.
For these you play at purposes.
And love your loves with As and Bs ;
For these, at Beast and Ombre woo,
And play for lo\-e and money too ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 193
Strive who shall be tlie ablest raan
At right gallanting of a fan ;
And who the raost genteelly bred
At sucking of a vizard-bead ;
How best t' accost us in all quarters,
T' our question and coraraand new garters ;
And solidly discourse upon
All sorts of dresses pro and con :
For there's no raystery nor trade.
But in the art of love is made ;
And when you have raore debts to pay
Than Michaelraas and Lady-day,
And no way possible to do't
But love and oaths, and restless suit.
To us y' apply, to pay the scores
Of all your cullied past amours ;
Act o'er your flames and darts again.
And charge us with your wounds and pain ;
Which others' influences long since
Have charmed your noses with, and shins ;
For which the surgeon is unpaid.
And like to be, without our aid.
Lord ! what an araorous thing is want !
How debts and mortgages enchant !
What graces must that lady have.
That can from executions save !
What charms, that can reverse extent.
And null decree and exigent 1
What magical attracts, and graces.
That can redeem from scire facias !
Frora bonds and .statutes can discharge.
And frora conterapts of courts enlarge !
"these are the highest excellences
Of all your true or false pretences ;
And you would daran yourselves, and swear
As much t' an hostess dowager.
Grown fat and pursy by retail
Of pots of beer and bottled ale.
And find her fitter for your turn.
For fat is wondrous apt to burn ;
Who at your flames would soon take fire,
Relent, and raelt to your desire.

194 ' HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
And, like a candle in the socket.
Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.'
By this time 'twas grown dark and late.
When th' heard a knocking at the gate.
Laid on in haste, with such a powder.
The blows grew louder stiU and louder ;
Which Hudibras, as if th' had been
Bestowed as freely on his skin.
Expounding by his inward light.
Or rather more prophetic fright.
To be the wizard, corae to search.
And take hira napping in the lurch.
Turned pale as ashes, or a clout ;
But why, or wherefore, is a doubt :
For men will tremble, and tum paler.
With too rauch, or too little valour.
His heart laid on, as if it tried
To force a passage through his side,
Irapatient, as he vowed, to wait 'era.
But in a fury to fly at 'era.
And therefore beat, and laid about,
To find a cranny to creep out
But she, who saw in what a taking
The knight was by his furious quaking,
Undaunted cried, ' Courage, Sir Knight,
Know I'm resolved to break no rite
Of hospitality f a stranger ;
But, to secure you out of danger,
WiU here myself stand sentinel.
To guard this pass 'gainst Sidrophel :
Women, you know, do seldom faU
To make the stoutest men tum taU,
And bravely scorn to tum their backs,
Upon the desp'ratest attacks.'
At this the knight grew resolute
As Ironside, or HardUcnute ;
His fortitude began to rally.
And out he cried aloud, to sally ;
But she besought him to convey
His courage rather out o' th' way,
And lodge in ambush on the floor.
Or fortified behind a door,

CANTO, I.] HUDIBRAS. 19S
That, if the eneray should enter.
He might relieve her in th' adventure.
Mean while they knocked against the door.
As fierce as at the gate before ;
Which made the renegade knight
Relapse again t' his forraer fright.
He thought it despeirate to stay
TUl th' enemy had forced his way.
But rather post hiraself, to serve
The lady for a fresh reserve.
His duty was not to dispute.
But vvhat sh' had ordered execute ;
Which he resolved in haste t' obey,
And therefore stoutly raarched away.
And all h' encountered fell upon.
Though in the dark, and all alone ;
Till fear, that braver feats performs
Than ever courage dared in arras.
Had drawn him up before a pass.
To stand upon his guard, and face ;
This he courageously invaded.
And, having entered, barricadoed -^
Ensconced hiraself as formidable
As could be underneath a table ;
WRere he lay down in ambush close,
T' expect th' arrival of his foes.
Few minutes he had lain perdue.
To guard his desperate avenue.
Before he heard a dreadful shout.
As loud as putting to the rout.
With which impatiently alarmed.
He fancied th' eneray had stormed,
; And, after entering, Sidrophel
Was faUen upon the guards peU-meU :
He therefore sent out all his senses
To bring hira in inteUigences,
Which vulgars, out of ignorance.
Mistake for falUng in a trance ;
But those that trade in geomancy.
Affirm to be the strength of fancy ;
In which the Lapland Magi deal.
And things incredible reveal. G 3

196 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
Mean while the foe beat up his quarters.
And storraed the outworks of his fortress ;
And as another of the same
Degree and party, in arras and farae.
That in the sarae cause had engaged.
And war with equal conduct waged.
By venturing only but to thrust
His head a span beyond his post
B' a general of the cavaliers
Was dragged through a window by the ears ;
So he was served in his redoubt
And by the other end pulled out.
Soon as they had hira at their mercy,
They put him to the cudgel fiercely.
As if they scorned to trade or barter.
By giving, or by taking quarter;
They stoutly on his quarters laid.
Until his scouts carae in t' his aid :
For when a man is past his sense.
There's no way to reduce hira thence.
But twinging hira by th' ears or nose.
Or laying on of heavy blows ;
And if that will not do the deed.
To burning with hot irons proceed.
No sooner was he corae t' himself.
But on his neck a sturdy elf
Clapped in a trice his cloven hoof.
And thus attacked him with reproof:
' Mortal, thou art betrayed to us
B' our friend, thy evil genius.
Who for thy horrid perjuries,
Thy breach of faith, and turning lies.
The brethren's privilege, against
The wicked, on themselves, the saints.
Has here thy wretched carcass sent.
For just revenge and punishment ;
AVhich thou hast now no way to lessen.
But by an open, free confession ;
For if we catch thee failing once,
'Twill faU the heavier on thy bones.
AVhat made thee venture to betray.
And filch the lady's heart away,

CANTO I.J HUDIBRAS.

197

To spirit her to raatriraony ? ' —
' That which contracts all raatches, raoney.
It was the enchantraent of her riches.
That made m' apply t' your crony witches ;
That in return would pay th' expense.
The wear and tear of conscience.
Which I could have patched up, and turned.
For th' hundredth part of what I earned.'
' Didst thou not love her then ? Speak true.'
' No more,' quoth he, ' than I love you.'
' How wouldst th' have used her and her money ?'
' First turned her up to alimony.
And laid her dowry out in law.
To null her jointure with a flaw.
Which I beforehand had agreed
T' have put, on purpose, in the deed,
And bar her widow's-raaking-over
T' a friend in trust, or private lover.'
' What made thee pick and chuse her out
T' employ their sorceries about ? '
' That which raakes garaesters play with those
Who have least wit, and raost to lose.'
' But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus.
As thou hast daraned thyself to us?'
' I see you take me for an ass :
'Tis true, I thought the trick would pass
Upon a woraan, well enough.
As 't has often been found by proof.
Whose huraours are not to be won
Rut when they are imposed upon ;
For love approves of all they do
That stand for candidates, and woo.'
' Why didst thou forge those shameful lies
Of bears and witches in disguise?'
' That is no raore than authors give
The rabble credit to believe ;
A trick of following the leaders.
To entertain their gentle readers :
And we have now no other way
Of passing all we do or say ;
AA'hich, when 'tis natural and true,
AVill be believed b' a very few.

igg HUDIBRAS. [part lit-
Beside the danger of offence.
The fatal enemy of sense.'
' Why didst thou chuse that cursed sin,
Hypocrisy, to set up in ? '
' Because it is the thriving'st calling.
The only saints-bell that rings all in ;
In which all churches are concerned,
And is the easiest to be learned :
For no degrees, unless th' eraploy't.
Can ever gain much, or enjoy it :
A gift that is not only able
To domineer among the rabble.
But by the laws irapcwered to rout.
And awe the greatest that stand out ;
Which few hold forth against, for fear
Their hands should slip, and corae too near ;
For no sin else, araong the saints.
Is taught so tenderly against.'
' What made thee break thy plighted vows ? '
'That which makes others break a house,
And hang, and scorn ye all, before
Endure the plague of being poor.'
Quoth he, ' I see you have more tricks
Than all our doting politics.
That are grown old, and out of fashion,
Compared wdth your new reformation ;
That we must come to school to you,
To learn your more refined and new.'
Quoth he, ' If you wUl give me leave
To tell you what I now perceive.
You'll find )-ourself an errant chouse.
If y' were but at a meetmg-house.'
' 'Tis true,' quoth he, ' we ne'er come there.
Because w' have let 'em out by th' year.'
' Truly,' quoth he, ' you can't imagine
What wondrous things they wUl engage in ;
That as your fellow-fiends in hell
AVere angels all before they fell.
So are you like to be again
Compared with th' angels of us men.'
Quoth he, ' I am resolved to be
Thy scholar in tliis mystery ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS.

199

And therefore first desire to know
Some principles on which you go.
' What makes a knave a child of God,
And one of us ? ' — ' A liveUhood.'
' What renders beating out of brains,
And murther, godliness ? ! — ' Great gains.'
' What's tender conscience ? ' — ' 'Tis a botch
That will not bear the gentlest touch ;
But, breaking out, despatches more
Than th' epideraical'st plague-sore.'
' What makes y' incroach upon our trade.
And damn all others ? ' — ' To be paid.'
' What's orthodox and true believing
Against a conscience ? ' — ' A good living.'
' What makes rebelling against kings
A good old cause ? ' — ' Adrainistrings.'
' What raakes all doctrines plain and clear ? '
' About two hundred pounds a-year.'
' And that which was proved true before.
Prove false again ? ' — ' Two hundred more.'
' What makes the breaking of all oaths
A holy duty?' — ' Food and clothes.'
' What laws and freedom, persecution ? '
' Being out of power, and contribution.'
' What makes a church a den of thieves ? '
' A dean and chapter, and white sleeves.'
' And what would serve, if those were gone,
To raake it orthodox? ' — ' Our own.'
' What makes moraUty a crime.
The most notorious of the tirae ;
Morality, which both the saints
And wicked too cry out against ? '
' 'Cause grace and virtue are within
Prohibited degrees of kin ;
And therefore no true saint allows
They shaU be suffered to espouse :
For saints can need no conscience.
That with morality dispense ;
As virtue's impious, when 'tis rooted
In nature only, and not imputed :
But why the wicked should do so.
We neither know, nor care to do.'

200

HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
' AVhat's liberty of conscience,
I' th' natural and genuine sense ?'
' 'Tis to restore, with more security,
Rebellion to its ancient purity ;
And Christian liberty reduce
To th' elder practice of the Jews ;
For a large conscience is all one.
And signifies the same with none.'
' It is enough,' quoth he, ' for once,
And has reprieved thy forfeit bones :
Nick Machiavel had ne'er a trick,
Though he gave 's narae to our Old Nick,
But -was below the least of these,
That pass i' th' world for holiness.'
This said the furies, and the light
In th' instant vanished out of sight,
And left him in the dark alone,
With stinks of brirastone, and his own.
The queen of night, whose large coraraand
Rules all the sea, and half the land.
And over moist and crazy brains.
In high spring-tides, at midnight reigns,
AVas now declining to the west.
To go to bed and take her rest ;
When Hudibras, whose stubborn blows
Denied his bones that soft repose.
Lay still expecting worse and raore.
Stretched out at length upon the floor ;
And though he shut his eyes as fast
As if h' had been to sleep his last,
Saw all the shapes that fear or wizards.
Do make the devil wear for vizards.
And pricking up his ears, to hark
If he could hear, too, in the dark.
Was first invaded with a groan.
And after, in a feeble tone.
These trembling words : ' Unhappy wretch.
What hast thou gotten by this fetch,
Or all thy tricks, in this new trade,
Thy holy brotherhood o' th' blade ?
By sauntering still on some adventure.
And growing to thy horse a centaur ?

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. 20
To stuff thy skin with swelling knobs
Of cruel and hard-wooded drubs ?
For StUl th' hast had the worst on't yet.
As well in conquest as defeat :
Night is the sabbath of mankind.
To rest the body and the mind,
Which now thou art denied to keep.
And cure thy laboured corpse with sleep.'
The knight, who heard the words, explained
As meant to him this reprimand.
Because the character did hit
Point-blank upon his case so fit ;
Believed it was some drolling spright
That stayed upon the guard that night,
And one of those h' had seen, and felt
The drubs he had so freely dealt ;
When, after a short pause and groan.
The doleful Spirit thus went on :
' This 'tis t' engage with dogs and bears
Pell-mell together by the ears,
And, after painful bangs and knocks.
To lie in Umbo in the stocks,
And from the pinnacle of glory
Fall headlong into purgatory : ' —
(Thought he, ' This devU's fuU of malice
That on ray late disasters rallies.')
' Conderaned to whipping, but declined it.
By being more heroic-minded ;
And at a riding handled worse,
With treats raore slovenly and coarse ;
Engaged with fiends in stubborn wars,
And hot disputes with conjurers ;
And, when th' hadst bravely won the day.
Wast fain to steal thyself away.'
(' I see,' thought he, ' this sharaeless elf
Would fain steal me too from rayself,
That irapudently dares to own
What I have suffered for and done.')
' And now, but venturing to betray.
Hast met with vengeance the same way.'
Thought he, ' How does the devil know
What 'twas that I designed to do ?

202

HUDIBRAS. ' [part hi.
His office of inteUigence,
His oracles, are ceased long since ;
And he knows nothing of the saints.
But what some treacherous spy acquaints.
This is some pettifogging fiend.
Some under door-keeper's friend's friend,
That undertakes to understand.
And juggles at the second hand,
And now would pass for spirit Po,
And all raen's dark concerns foreknow.
I think I need not fear hira for't ;
These rallying devUs do not hurt.'
With that he roused his drooping heart,,
And hastUy cried out, ' AATiat art ? '
' A wretch,' quoth he, ' whora want of grace
Has brought to this unhappy place.'
' I do believe thee,' quoth the knight ;
' Thus far I'm sure thou'rt in the right :
And know what 'tis that troubles thee,
Better than thou hast guessed of me.
Thou art some paltry, blackguard sprite,
Conderaned to drudgery in the night ;
Thou hast no work to do in th' house.
Nor halfpenny to drop in shoes ;
Without the raising of which sum
You dare not be so troublesome
To pinch the slatterns black and blue.
For leaving you their work to do.
This is your business, good Pug-Robin,
And your diversion duU dry bobbing,
T' entice fanatics in the dirt.
And wash 'era clean in ditches for't ;
Of which conceit you are so proud.
At every jest you laugh aloud.
As now you would have done by me.
But that I barred your raillery.'
' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' y' are no such sophy.
As you would have the world judge of ye.
If you design to weigh our talents
I' th' standard of your own false balance.
Or think it possible to know
Us ghosts, as well as we do you,

CANTO I.J HUDIBRAS. 203
We who have been the everlasting
Companions bf your drubs and basting.
Arid ilfever left you in contest
With ihale br female, man or beast,
But proved as true t' ye, and entire.
In all adventures, as your squire.'
Quoth he, ' That may be said as true
By th' idlest pug of all your crew ;
For none could have betrayed us worse
Than those aUies of ours and yours.
But I have sent him for a token
To your low-country Hogen-Mogen,
To whose infernal shores I hope
He'll swing like skippers in a rope :
And if ye've been more just to rae.
As I ara apt to think, than he,
I am afraid it is as true
What th' ill-affected say of you ;
Y' have 'spoused the covenant and cause.
By holding up your cloven paws.'
' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' 'tis true, I grant,
We raade, and took the covenant ;
But that no more concerns the cause.
Than other perj'ries do the laws.
Which, when they're proved in open court.
Wear wooden peccadilloes for't :
And that's the reason cov'nariters
Hold up their hands, like rogues at bars.'
' I see,' quoth Hudibras, ' from whence
' These scandals of the saints cbmmence.
That are but natural effects
Of Satan's malice, and his sects,
Those spider-saints, that hang by threads
Spun out o' th' entrails of their heads.'
' Sir,' quoth the Voice, ' that may as true
And properly be said of you.
Whose talents may compare with either,
Or both the other put together :
For all the independents do.
Is only what you forced 'era to ;
You, who are not content alone
With tricks to put the devU down,

204

. HUPIBRAS. [part in.
But must have armies raised to back
The gospel-work you undertake ;
As if artillery and edge-tools,
Were th' only engines to save souls :
While he, poor devil, has no power
By force lo run down and devour ;
Has ne'er a classis, cannot sentence
To stools, or poundage of repentance ;
Is tied up only to design,
T' entice, and terapt, and undermine :
In which you all his arts outdo,
And prove yourselves his betters too.
Hence 'tis possessions do less evil
Than mere temptations of the devil,
AVhich all the horrid'st actions done
Are charged in courts of law upon ;
Because, unless they help the elf.
He can do little of hiraself;
And, therefore, where he's best possessed.
Acts most against his interest ;
Surprises none but those who've priests
To turn hira out, and exorcists.
Supplied with spiritual provision.
And raagazines of aramunition ;
With crosses, relics, crucifixes.
Beads, pictures, rosaries, and pixes ;
The tools of working our salvation
By raere raechanic operation :
With holy water, like a sluice.
To overflow all avenues :
But those who're utterly unarmed,
T' oppose his entrance, if he stormed,
He never offers to surprise.
Although his falsest enemies ;
But is content to be their drudge.
And on their errands glad to trndge :
For where are all 3-our forfeitures
Intrusted in safe hands, but ours ?
AVho are but jailers of the holes
And dungeons where you clap up souls ;
Like under-keepers, turn the keys
T' your mittimus anathemas.

CANTO I.J HUDIBRAS. 205
And never boggle to restore
The members you deliver o'er
Upon deraand, with fairer justice.
Than all your covenanting trustees ;
Unless, to punish tliem the worse.
You put them in the secular powers.
And pass their souls, as sorae demise
The sarae estate in mortgage twice ;
AVhen to a legal utlegation
You turn your excommunication.
And, for a groat unpaid that's due.
Distrain on soul and body too.'
Thought he, ' 'Tis no mean part of civU
State-prudence to cajole the devil.
And not to handle him too rough,
AVhen h' has us in his cloven hoof
' 'Tis true,' quoth he, ' that intercourse
Has passed between your friends and ours.
That, as you trust us, in our way.
To raise your members, and to lay.
We send you others of our own.
Denounced to hang theraselves, or drown.
Or, frighted with our oratory.
To leap down headlong many a story ;
Have used all raeans to propagate
Your raighty interests of state.
Laid out our spiritual gifts to further
Your great designs of rage and raurther :
For if the saints are named frora blood,
We only 'ave raade that title good ;
And, if it were but in our power,
AVe should not scruple to do raore.
And not be half a soul behind
Of aU dissenters of raankind.'
' Right,' quoth the Voice, ' and, as I scorn
To be ungrateful, in return
Of aU those kind good offices,
I'll free you out of this distress.
And set you down in safety, — where.
It is no tirae to tell you here.
The cock crows, and the raorn draws on.
When 'tis decreed I raust be gone ;

2o6 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
And ifl leave you here tiU day,
You'U find it hard to get away.'
With that the Spirit groped about
To find th' enchanted hero out.
And tried with haste to Uft him up.
But found his forlorn hope, his cmp.
Unserviceable with kicks and blows,
Received frora hardened-hearted foes.
He thought to drag hira by the heels,
Like Greshara-carts, with legs for wheels ;
But fear, that soonest cures those sores,
In danger of relapse to worse,
Carae in t' assist him with its aid,
And up his sinking -vessel weighed.
No sooner was he fit to trudge.
But both raade ready to dislodge ;
The Spirit horsed him, like a sack,
Upon the vehicle his back.
And bore him headlong into th' haU,
With some few rubs against the wall ;
Where finding out the postern locked,
And th' avenues as strongly blocked,
H' attacked the window, stormed the glass.
And in a moment gained the pass ;
Through which he dragged the worsted soldier's
Fore-quarters out by th' head and shoulders.
And cautiously began to scout
To find their fellow-cattle out ;
Nor was it half a minute's quest,
Ere he retrieved the champion's beast,
Tied to a pale, instead of rack.
But ne'er a saddle on his back,
Nor pistols at the saddle bow.
Conveyed away, the Lord knows how.
He thought it was no time to sta}^
And let the night too, steal away ;
But, in a trice, advanced the knight
Upon the bare ridge, bolt upright
And, groping out for Ralpho's jade.
He found the saddle, too, was strayed,
And in the place a lurap of soap.
On which he speedily leaped up ;

CANTO I.] HUDIBRAS. ' 207
And, turning to the gate the rein.
He kicked and cudgelled on araain ;
While Hudibras, with equal haste.
On both sides laid about as fast.
And spurred, as jockies use, to break.
Or pad ders to secure, a neck :
Where let us leave 'era for a time.
And to their churches turn our rhyrae ;
To hold forth their declining state.
Which now corae near an even rate.

CANTO II.

THE ARGl'ME.N'T.

The saints engage in fierce contests
About their carnal interests,
To shave their sacrilegious preys
According to their rates of grace :
Their various frenzies to reform,
¦When Cromwell lelt them in a storm ;
Till, in th' efifige of Rumps, the rabble
Burn all their grandees of the cabal.
The learned write, an insect breeze
Is but a raongrel prince of bees.
That falls before a storra on cows.
And stings the founders of his house ;
From whose corrupted flesh that breed
Of vermin did at first proceed.
So, ere the storm of war broke out.
Religion spawned a various rout
Of petulant capricious sects.
The maggots of corrupted texts.
That first run all reUgion down.
And after every swarm its own :
For as the Persian Magi once
Upon their mothers got their sons,
That were incapable t' enjoy
That erapire any other way ;
So presbyter begot the other
Upon the good old Cause, his raother.
Then bore thera like the devU's dara,
AVhose son and husband are the same ;
And yet no natural tie of blood.
Nor interest for the common good.
Could, when their profits interfered,
Get quarter for each other's beard :
For when they thrived they never fadged.
But only by the ears engaged ;

'(^antgii.J HUDIBRAS. 209
Like dogs that snarl about a bone.
And play together when they've none ;
As by their truest characters,
Their constant actions, plainly appears.
Rebellion now began, for lack
Of zeal and plunder, to grow slack ;
The cause and covenant to lessen,
And prov'dence to be out of season :
For now there was no more to purchase
O' th' king's revenue, and the church's.
But aU divided, shared, and gone.
That used to urge the lirethren on ;
Which forced the stubborn'st for the cause.
To cross the cudgels to the laws.
That what by breaking them th' had gained
By their support might be maintained ;
Like thieves, that in a hemp-plot lie.
Secured against the hue-and-cry ;
', For presbyter and independent
AVere now turned plaintiff and defendant ;
Laid out their apostolic functions
On carnal orders and injunctions ;
And all their precious gifts and graces
On outlawries and scire facias ;
At Michael's terra had many trial.
Worse than the Dragon and St. Michael,
Where thousands fell, in shape of fees.
Into the bottomless abyss.
For when, like brethren,' and like friends.
They came to share their dividends.
And every partner to possess
His church and' state joint-purchases.
In which the ablest saint, and best.
Was naraed in trust by aU the rest.
To pay their money, and, instead
- Of every brother, pass the deed ;
He straight converted all his gifts
To pious frauds, and holy shifts.
And settled aU the other shares
Upon his outward man and 's heirs ;
Held all they claimed as forfeit lands
Delivered up into his hands.

2te, HUD/braSJ {part iti.
And' passed upon his conscience
By pre-entail of providence ;
Impeached the rest for reprobates.
That had no titles to estates.
But by their spiritual attaints
Degraded from the right of saints.
This being revealed, they now begun
With law and conscience to fall on.
And laid about as hot and brain-sick
As th' utter barrister of Swanswick ;
Engaged with money-bags, as bold
As men with sand-bags did of old.
That brought the lawyers in more fees
Than all unsanctified trustees ;
Till he who had no raore to show
I' th' case, received the overthrow;
Or, both sides having had the worst.
They parted as they met at first
Poor presbyter was now reduced.
Secluded, and cashiered, and choused !
Turned out, and excoraraunicate
From all affau-s of church and state,
Reforraed t' a reforraado saint.
And glad to tum itinerant.
To stroll and teach from town to town.
And those he had taught up, teach down.
And make those uses serve again
Against the new-enlightened men,
As fit as when at first they were
Revealed against the cavalier ;
Damn anabaptist and fanatic,.
As pat as popish and prelatic ;
And, with as little variation.
To serve for any sect i' th' nation.
The good old cause, which some beUeve
To be the devil that tempted Eve
With knowledge, and does stUl in-vite
The world to mischief with new light,
Had store of money in her purse,
When he took her for better or worse,
But now was grown deformed and poor,
And fit to be turned out of door.

CANTO ii.J HUDIBRAS. 21
• The independents (whose first station
Was in the rear of reformation,
A mongrel kind of church-dragoons.
That served for horse and foot at once,
And in the saddle of one steed
The Saracen and Christian rid ;
Were free of every spiritual order.
To preach, and fight, and pray, and ranrder :)
No sooner got the start, to lurch
Both disciplines of war and church.
And providence enough to run
The chief coraraanders of thera down,
But carried on the war against
The coraraon eneray o' th' saints,
And in a while prevailed so far,
To win of thera the game of war,
And be at liberty once more
T' attack themselves as th' had before.
For now there was no foe in arms
T' unite their factions with alarms.
But all reduced and overcome.
Except their worst theraselves at horae,
AVh' had compassed all they prayed and swore.
And fought, and preached, and plundered for.
Subdued the nation, church, and state.
And all things but their laws and hate ;
But when they came to treat and transact.
And share the spoil of all th' had ransacked,
To botch up what th' had torn and rent,
ReUgion and the government,.
They met no sooner, but prepared
To pull down all the war had spared ;
Agreed in nothing, but t' abolish.
Subvert, extirpate, and deraoUsh :
For knaves and fools being near of kin.
As Dutch boors are t' a sooterkin.
Both parties joined to do their best
To daran the pubUc interest,
And herded only in consults.
To put by one another's bolts ;
T' out-cant the Babylonian labourers.
At all their dialects of jabberers,

212 ' HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
And tug at both ends of the saw.
To tear down government and law.
For as two cheats, that play one game.
Are both defeated of their aira ;
So those vvho play a game of state.
And only cavil in debate.
Although there's nothing lost nor won.
The public business is undone,
Which still the longer 'tis in doing.
Becomes the surer way to ruin.
This when the royaUsts perceived, —
AVho to their faith as firmly cleaved,
And owned the right they had paid down
So dearly for, the church and crown —
Th' united constanter, and sided
The more, the more their foes divided :
For though outnumbered, overthrown
And by the fate of war run down.
Their duty never was defeated.
Nor frora their oaths and faith retreated ;
For loyalty is still the same.
Whether it win or lose the garae ;
True as the dial to the sun.
Although it be not shined upon.
But when these bretheren in evU,
Their adversaries, and the devil.
Began once raore to show them play.
And hopes, at least, to have a day.
They rallied in parades of woods.
And unfrequented solitudes ;
Convened at midnight in outhouses,
T' appoint new-rising rendezvouses.
And, with a pertinacy unmatched.
For new recruits of danger watched.
No sooner was one blow diverted.
But up another party started.
And as if nature too, in haste
To furnish our supplies as fast.
Before her time had turned destruction
T' a new and numerous production ;
No sooner those were overcome.
But up rose others in their room.

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS. 213'
That, like the. Christian faith, increased
The more, the raore they were suppressed ;
Whom neither chains, nor transportation.
Proscription, sale, or confiscation.
Nor all the desperate events
Of former tried experiments,
Nor wounds, could terrify, nor mangling.
To leave off loyalty and dangling.
Nor death, with all his bones, affright
Frora venturing to maintain the right
From staking life and fortune down
'Gainst all together, for the crown ;
But kept the title of their cause
From forfeiture, like claims in laws ;
And proved no prosperous usurpation
Can ever settle on the nation ;
UntU, in spite of force and treason.
They put their loy'lty in possession ;
And, by their constancy and faith,
Destroyed the mighty raen of Gath.
Tossed in a furious hurricane,
Did Oliver give up his reign.
And was believed, as well by saints
As raoral raen and miscreants.
To founder in the Stygian ferry.
Until he was retrieved by Sterry,
AVho, in a false erroneous dream.
Mistook the New Jerusalem,
Profanely for th' apocryphal
False Heaven at the end o' th' Hall ;
Whither it was decreed by fate.
His precious reliques to translate.
So Romulus was seen before
B' as orthodox a senatot
Frora whose divine illuraination
He stole the pagan revelation.
Next him his son, and heir apparent
Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent.
Who first laid by the parliament.
The only crutch on which he leant.
And then sunk underneath the state.
That rode hira above horseraan's weight.

214 HUDIBRAS. ' [part hi.
And now the saints began their reign,
For which th' had yearned so long In vain,
And felt such bowel-hankerings.
To see an erapire, all of kings.
Delivered frora th' Egyptian awe
Of justice, governraent, and law,
And free t' erect what spiritual cantons
Should be revealed, or gospel Hans-Towns.
To edify upon the ruins
Of John of Leyden's old outgoings.
Who for a weather-cock hung up
Upon their mother-church's top,
Was made a type by Providence,
Of all their revelations since.
And now fulfiUed by his successors.
Who equally mistook their measures :
For when they came to shape the model.
Not one could fit another's noddle ;
But found their light and gifts more wide
From fadging, than th' unsanctified.
While every individual brother
Strove hand to fist -against another,
And still the maddest, and raost cracked.
Were found the busiest to transact ;
For though most hands despatch apace,
And raake light work, the proverb says.
Yet many different intellects
Are found t' have contrary effects ;
Arid many heads t' obstmct intrigues.
As slowest insects have most legs.
Sorae were for setting up a king.
But all the rest for no such thing.
Unless king Jesus : others tampered
For Fleetwood, Desborough, and Lambert ;
Sorae for the Rurap ; and sorae more crafty.
For agitators, and the safety ;
Sorae for the gospel, and raassacres
Of spiritual affidavit-makers.
That swore to any human regence
Oaths of suprera'cy and allegiance, —
Yea, though the ablest swearing saint.
That vouched the bulls o' th' covenant ;

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 2X5.
Others for pulling down th' high places
Of synods and provincial classes.
That used to raake such hostUe inroads
Upon the saints, like bloody Nirarods ;
Sorae for fulfilling prophecies.
And th' extirpation of th' excise ;
And sorae against th' Egyptian bondage
Of holy-days, and paying poundage ;
Sorae for the cutting down of groves,
And rectifying bakers' loaves.
And some for finding out expedients
Against the slavery of obedience ;
Sorae were for gospel-ministers.
And sorae for redcoat seculars.
As raen most fit t' hold forth the word.
And wield the one and th' other sword ;
Some were for carrying on the work
Against the pope, and sorae the Turk ;
Sorae for engaging to suppress
The caraisado of surplices.
That gifts and dispensationa hindered.
And turned to th' outward man the inward :
More proper for the cloudy night
Of popery than gospel-light ;
Others were for abolishing
That tool of matrimony, a ring.
With which th' unsanctified bridegroom
Is raarried only to a thumb, —
As wise as ringing of a pig,
That used to break up ground, and dig, —
The bride to nothing but her wiU,
That nulls the after-marriage still ;
Some were for th' utter extirpation
Of linsey-woolsey in the nation ;
And sorae against all idoUsing
The cross in shop-books, or baptising ;
Others, to make all things recant
The Christian or surname bf saint.
And force all churches, streets, and towns,
The holy title to renounce ;
Some 'gainst a third estate of souls.
And bringing down the price of coals ;

2j5 hudibras. [part ih.
Sorae for abolishing black-pudding.
And eating nothing with the blood in.
To abrogate thera roots and branches ;
AVhile others were for eating haunches
Of warriors, and, now and then.
The flesh of kings and raighty raen ;
And some for breaking of their bones
With rods of iron, by secret ones ;
For thrashing raountains, and with speUs
For hallowing carriers' packs and bells ;
Things that the legend never heard of,
But raade the wicked sore afeard of
The quacks of governraent, who sate
At the unregarded helra of state.
And understood this wild confusion
Of fatal raadness and delusion
Must, sooner than a prodigy.
Portend destruction to be nigh.
Considered tiraely how t' withdraw.
And save their windpipes frora the law ;
For one rencounter at the bar
Was worse than all th' had 'scaped in war ;
And therefore met in consultation
To cant and quack upon the nation;
Not for the sickly patient's sake.
Nor what to give, but what to take ;
To feel the purses of their fees.
More wise than fumbling arteries ;
Prolong the snuff of life in pain.
And from the grave recover — gain,
'Mong these there was a politician,
AVith raore heads than a beast in vision.
And raore intrigues in every one
Than all the whores of Babylon ;
So politic, as if one eye
Upon the other were a spy.
That, to trepan the one to think
The other blind, both strove to bUnk ;
And in his dark pragmatic way
.\s busy as a child at play.
H' had seen three governments run down,
And had a hand in every one :

canto II.J HUDIBRAS. ' 217
AA'as for 'era, and against 'era aU,
But barbarous when they carae to fall :
For by trepanning th' old to ruin.
He made his interest with the new one ;
Played true and faithful, though against
His conscience, and was stUl advanced :
For by the witchcraft of rebelUon
Transforraed t' a feeble state-caraelion.
By giving aira from side to side.
He never failed to save his tide.
But got the start of every state,
Andj at a change, ne'er came too late ;
Could turn his word, and oath, and faith.
As raany ways as in a lathe ;
By turning wriggle, like a screw,
Int' highest trust, and out for new ;
For when h' had happily incurred,
Instead of hemp, to be preferred.
And passed upon a governraent.
He played his trick, and out he went ;
But being out a-iid out of hopes
To mount his ladder, more, of ropes.
Would strive to raise himself upon
The public ruin, and his own ;
So Uttle did he understand
The desperate feats he took in hand.
For when h' had got hiraself a narae
For frauds and tricks he spoiled his garae ;
Had forced his neck into a noose.
To show his play at fast and loose ;
And, when he chanced t' escape, raistook.
For art and subtlety, his luck.
So right his judgraent was cut fit.
And raede a tally to his wit.
And both together raost profound
At deeds of darkness under ground ;
As th' earth is easiest underrained,
By verrain ira potent and blind.
By all these arts, and many raore,
H' had practised long and rauch before.
Our state-artificer foresaw
Which way the world began to draw :

2i8 HUDIBRAS. [part iii.
For as old sinners have all points
O' th' compass in their bones and joints.
Can by their pangs and achfes find
All turns and changes of the wind.
And, better than by Napier's bones.
Feel in their own the age of moons :
So guilty sinners, in a state,
Can by their crimes prognosticate.
And in their consciences feel pain.
Some days before a shower of rain ;
He therefore wisely cast about
AU ways he could, t' insure his throat.
And hither carae, f observe and smoke
AAHiat courses other riskers took.
And to the utmost do his best
To save himself, and hang the rest.
To match this saint there was another
As busy and perverse a brother.
An haberdasher of small wares
In politics and state-affairs ;
More Jew than rabbi Achitophel,
And better gifted to rebel ;
For when h' had taught his tribe to 'spouse
The cause, aloft upon one house,
He scorned to set his own in order.
But tried another, and went further ;
So suddenly addicted still
To 's only principle, his wUl,
That whatsoe'er it chanced to prove.
No force of argument could move.
Nor law, nor cavalcade of Holbom,
Could render half a grain less stubborn ;
For he at any time would hang.
For th' opportunity t' harangue ;
And rather on a gibbet dangle.
Than miss his dear delight, to wrangle ;
In which his parts were so accomplished.
That, right or wrong, he ne'er was nonplussed ;
But still his tongue ran on, the less
Of weight it bore, with greater ease ;
And, with its everlasting clack.
Set all men's ears upon the rack ;

.GANTO It] HUDIBRAS. 219
No sooner could a hint appear.
But up he started to pickeer.
And made the stoutest yield to mercy.
When he engaged in controversy ;
Not by the force of carnal reason.
But indefatigable teazing,;
With volleys of eternal babble.
And clamour, raore unanswerable :
For though his topics, fraU and weak.
Could ne'er araount above a freak.
He StiU raaintained 'era, Uke his faults.
Against the desp'ratest assaults ;
And backed their feeble want of sense
With greater heat and confidence ;
As bones of Hectors, when they differ.
The more they're cudgelled, grow the stiffer.
Yet when his profit moderated.
The fury of his heat abated ;
For nothing but his interest
Could lay his devil of contest :
It was his choice, or chance, or curse,
T' espouse the cause for better or worse,
And with his worldly goods and wit.
And soul and body worshipped it :
But when he found the sullen trapes
Possessed with th' devil, worms, and japes ;
The Trojan mare, in foal with Greeks,
Not half so full of jadish tricks.
Though squeamish in her outward woman.
As loose and rampant as Dol Coraraon ;
He still resolved to raend the matter,
T' adhere and cleave the obstinater ;
And still, the skittisher and looser
Her freaks appeared, to sit the closer ;
For fools are stubborn in their way.
As coins are hardened by th' allay :
And obstinacy's ne'er so stiff.
As when 'tis in a wrong belief.
These two, with others, being met,
And close in consultation set.
After a discontented pause.
And not without sufficient cause.

320 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
The orator we naraed of late.
Less troubled with the pangs of state.
Than with his own irapatience.
To give hiraself first audience.
After he had a while looked wise.
At last broke sUence, and the ice.
Quoth he, ' There's nothing raakes me doubt
Our last outgoings brought about,
IVlcre than to see the characters
Of real jealousies and fears
Not feigned, as once, but sadly horrid.
Scored upon every member's forehead ;
AVho, 'cause the clouds are drawn together.
And threaten sudden change of weather.
Feels pangs and aches of state-turns.
And revolutions in their corns ;
And, since our workings-out are crossed,
Throw up the cause before 'tis lost.
AVas it to run away we raeant,
AVhen, taking of the covenant,
The lamest cripples of the brothers.
Took oaths to mn before all others.
But in their own sense, only swore.
To strive to run away before.
And now would prove, that words and oath
Engage us to renounce thera both ?
'Tis true the cause is in the lurch.
Between a right and raongrel-church ;
The presbyter and independent.
That stickle which shall make an end on't.
As 'twas made out to us the last
Expedient,— I mean Margaret's fast ;
When Providence had been suborned,
A\'hat answer was to be returned :
Else why should tumults fright us now.
We have so raany tiraes gone through.
And understand as weU to tame
As, when they serve our turns, t' inflame ?
Have proved how inconsiderable
Are all engagements of the rabble,
Whose frenzies must be reconciled
AVith drums, and rattles, like a child,

'canto II.] HUDIBRAS.
, But never proved so prosperous.
As when they were led on by us ;
For all our scouring of religion
Began with tumults and sedition;
When hurricanes of fierce coraraotion
Becarae strong motives to devotion :
As carnal seamen in a storra.
Turn pious converts, and reforra ;
When rusty weapons with chalked edges.
Maintained our feeble privileges.
And brown-biUs, levied in the city.
Made bills to pass the grand comraittee ;
When zeal, with aged clubs and gleaves,
Gave chase to rochets, and white sleeves.
And raade the church, and state and laws,
Subrait t' old iron, and the cause.
And as we thrived by tumults then.
So might we better know again.
If we knew how, as then we did.
To use them rightly in our need ;
Tumults, by which the mutinous
Betray theraselves instead of us ;
The hollow-hearted, disaffected.
And close raalignant are detected ;
Who lay their lives and fortunes down.
For pledges to secure our own ;
And freely sacrifice their ears
T' appease our jealousies and fears.
And, yet for all these providences
AV are offered, if we have our senses,
AVe idly sit like stupid blockheads.
Our hands coraraitted to our pockets.
And nothing but our tongues at large.
To get the wretches a discharge :
Like men condemned to thunder-bolts,
AVho, ere the blow, become mere dolts ;
Or fools besotted with their criraes.
That know not how to shift betiiries.
That neither have the hearts to stay,
Nor wit enough to run away ;
Who, if we could resolve on eithet
Might stand or fall at least together;

HUDIBRAS. [fart hi.
No raean nor trivial solaces
To partners in extrerae distress ;
Who used to lessen theU despairs.
By parting thera int' equal shares ;
As if the raore there were to bear.
They felt the weight the easier ;
And every one the gentler hung.
The raore he took his tum araong.
But 'tis not corae to that, as yet,
If we had courage left, or -wit.
Who, when our fate can be no worse.
Are fitted for the bravest course,
Have tirae to rally, and prepare
Our last and best defence, despair :
Despair, by which the gaUant'st feats
Have been achieved in greatest straits,
And horrid'st dangers safely waived,
By being courageously outbraved ;
As wounds by wider wounds are healed,
And poisons by theraselves expelled :
And so they might be now again,
If we were, what we should be, men ;
And not so dully desperate.
To side agauist ourselves -with fate :
As criminals, condemned to suffer.
Are blinded first, and then turned over.
This comes of breaking covenants,
And setting up exempts of saints.
That fine, like aldermen, for grace.
To be excused the efficace :
For spiritual raen are too transcendent.
That raount their banks for independent.
To hang, like Mahoraet in tlie air,
Or St Ignatius at his prayer.
By pure georaetry, and hate
Dependence upon church or state :
Disdain the pedantry o' th' letter.
And since obedience is better,
The Scripture says, than sacrifice.
Presume the less on't will suffice ;
And scorn to have the raoderat'st stints
Prescribed their peremptory hints,

.CANTO H.J . HUDIBRAS. ' 223
Or any opinion, true or false.
Declared as such, in doctrinals ;
But left at large to make their best on.
Without being called t' account or quest'on :
Interpret aU the spleen reveals.
As Whittington explained the bells ;
And bid themselves turn back again
Lord Mayors of New Jerusalem ;
But look so big and overgrown.
They scorn their edifiers to own.
Who taught them aU their sprinkling lessons,
Their tones, and sanctified expressions ;
Bestowed their gifts upon a saint.
Like charity, on those that want ;
And learned the apocryphal bigots
T' inspire theraselves -with short-hand notes.
For which they scorn and hate them worse
Than dogs and cats do sow-geld ers :
For who first bred them up to pray.
And teach the House of Coraraons' way ?
Where had they all their gifted phrases,
'But from our Calamys and Cases ?
Without whose sprinkleing and sowing.
Who e'er had heard of Nye or Owen ?
Their dispensations had been stifled,
But for our Adonirara Byfield ;
And had they not begun the war,
Th' had ne'er been sainted as they are :
For saints in peace degenerate,
And dwindle down to reprobate ;
Their zeal corrupts, like standing water.
In th' intervals of war and slaughter ;
Abates the sharpness of its edge,
Without the power of sacrilege ;
And though they've tricks to cast their sins.
As easy as serpents do their skins.
That in a whUe grow out again.
In peace they turn raere carnal raen.
And frora the raost refined of saints,
As naturally grow raiscreants
As bamacles turn solan geese
r th' islands of the Orcades.

224 HUDIBRAS. [part III
Their dispensation's but a ticket
For their conforraing to the wicked,
AVith whora their greatest difference
Lies raore in words and show, than sense :
For as the Pope, that keeps the gate
Of heaven, wears three crowns of state ;
So he that keeps the gate of heU,
Proud Cerb'rus, wears three heads as well ;
And, if the world lias any troth.
Some have been canonized in both.
But that which does them greatest harra.
Their spiritual gizzards are too warm.
Which puts the overheated sots
In fever stiU, like other goats ;
For though the whore bends heretics
AVhich flames of fire, like crooked sticks.
Our schisraatics so vastly differ,
Th' hotter th' are they grow the stiffer ;
StUl setting off their spiritual goods.
With fierce and pertinacious feuds :
For zeal's a dreadful terraagant.
That teaches saints to tear and rant.
And independents to profess
The doctrine of dependences ;
Turns raeek, and secret, sneaking ones,
To rawheads fierce, and bloody bones ;
And not content with endless quarrels
Against the wicked, and their raorals.
The Gibellines, for want of Guelfs,
Divert their rage upon theraselves.
For, now the war is not between
The brethren and the raen of sin.
But saint and saint to spill the blood
Of one another's brotherhood,
AVhere neither side can lay pretence
To liberty of conscience,
Or zealous suftering for the cause.
To gain one groat's worth of applause ;
For, though endured with resolution,
'TwiU ne'er amount to persecution ;
Shall precious saints, and secret ones.
Break one another's outward bones.

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS.

225

And eat the flesh of bretheren.
Instead of kings and raighty raen ?
When fiends agree among theraselves.
Shall they be found the greater elves ?
When Bell's at union with the Dragon,
And Baal-Peor friends with Dagon ;
When savage bears agree with bears,
Shall secret ones lug saints by th' ears.
And not atone their fatal wrath.
When coraraon danger threatens both ?
Shall mastiffs, by the collars puUed,
Engaged with buUs, let go their hold ?
And saints, whose necks are pawned at stake.
No notice of the danger take ?
But though no power of heaven or hell
Can pacify fanatic zeal.
Who would not guess there raight be hopes
The fear of gallowses and ropes
Before their eyes, raight reconcile
Their aniraosities a while ;
At least until th' had a clear stage.
And equal freedom to engage.
Without the danger of surprise
By both our common enemies ?
' This none but we alone could doubt
Who understand their workings-out.
And know 'em, both in soul and conscience,
Giv'n up t' as reprobate a nonsense
As spiritual outlaws, whom the power
Of miracle can ne'er restore.
We, whora at first they set up under
In revelation only of plunder,
Who since have had so raany trials
Of their encroaching self-denials.
That rooked upon us with design
To out-reforra, and underraine ;
Took all our interests and commands
Perfidiously, out of our hands ;
Involved us in the guUt of blood,
Without the motive gains allo.wed.
And raade us serve as ministerial.
Like younger sons of father Belial, H

226 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
And yet, for aU th' inhuman wrong,
Th' had done us, and the cause so long.
We never failed to carry on
The work still, as we had begun ;
But true and faithfuUy obeyed.
And neither preached thera hurt, nor prayed ;
Nor troubled thera to crop our ears,
Nor hang us, like the cavaliers ;
Nor put thera to the charge of jails.
To find us pUlories and carts'-tails.
Or hangraan's wages, which the state
Was forced, before thera, to be at ;
That cut, like tallies, to the sturaps.
Our ears for keeping true accounts,
And burned our vessels, Uke a new
Sealed peck, or bushel, for being true ;
But hand in hand, like faithful brothers.
Held for the cause against all others,
Disdaining equaUy to yield
One syllable of what we held.
And though we differed now and then
'Bout outward things, and outward men.
Our inward men, and constant frame
Of spirit still were near the same ;
And tiU they first began to capt,
And sprinkle down the covenant.
We ne'er had call in any place,
Nor dreamed of teaching down free grace;
But joined our gifts perpetually
Against the common enemy.
Although 'twas ours, and their opinion.
Each other's church was but a Rimmon.
And yet, for all this gospel-union.
And outward show of church-communion.
They'd ne'er admit us to our shares.
Of ruling church, or state affairs.
Nor give us leave t' absolve, or sentence
T' our own conditions of repentance ;
But shared our dividend o' the crown
AVe had so painfuUy preached down.
And forced us, though agamst the grain,
T' have calls to teach it up again.

CANTO ii.'J HUDIBRAS. 327
For 'twas but justice to restore .
The wrongs we had received before ;
And when 'twas held forth in our way,
W' had been ungrateful not to pay ;
AVho for the right we've done the nation.
Have earned our temporal salvation.
And put our vessels in a way.
Once raore to corae again in play :
For if the turning of us out.
Has brought this providence about.
And that our only suffering
Is able to bring in the king.
What would our actions not have done.
Had we been suffered to go on ?
And therefore raay pretend t' a share.
At least, in carrying on th' affair :
But whether that be so, or not,
We've done enough to have it thought
And that's as good as if w' had done 't.
And easier passed upon account :
For if it be but half denied,
'Tis half as good as justified.
The world is naturally averse,
To all the truth it sees or hears.
But swallows nonsense and a lie
With greediness and gluttony ;
And though it have the pique, and long,
'Tis still for soraething in the wrong ;
As women long, when they're vs^ith child,
For things extravagant and wild ; ' 1
For raeats ridiculous and fulsome.
But seldom any thing that's wholesome ;
And, like the world, raen's jobbernoles
Tum round upon their ears, the poles.
And what they're confidently told.
By no sense else can be Controlled.
' And this, perhaps, may prove the means
Once raore to hedge in Providence.
For as relapses make diseases
More desperate than their first accesses ;
If we but get again in power.
Our work is easier than before ; H 2

228 HUDIBRAS. [part in.
And we raore ready and expert
r th' raystery, to do our part :
We, who did rather undertake
The first war to create, than make ;
And when of nothing 'twas begun.
Raised funds as strange, to carry 't on ;
Trepanned the state, and faced it down,
With plots and projects of our own ;
And if we did such feats at first.
What can we now we're better versed ?
Who have a freer latitude
Than sinners give theraselves, allowed ;
And therefore Ukeliest to bring in.
On fairest terms, our discipUne ;
To which it was revealed long since
We were ordained by Providence,
AVhen three saints' ears, our predecessors,
The Cause's primitive confessors,
B'ing crucified, the nation stood
In just so many years of blood.
That, multiplied by six, expressed
The perfect nuraber of the beast.
And proved that we must be the men
To bring this work about again ;
And those who laid the first foundation,
Coraplete the thorough reforraation :
For who have gifts to carry on
So great a work, but we alone ?
What churches have such able pastors.
And precious, powerful, preaching raasters ?
Possessed with absolute dorainions.
O'er brethren's purses and opinions.
And trusted witli the double keys
Of heaven, and their warehouses ;
Who, when the cause is in distress.
Can furnish out what suras they please.
That brooding lie in banker's hands.
To be disposed at their commands ;
And daily increase and multiply,
AVith doctrine, use, and usury :
Can fetch in parties, as, in war
AU other heads of cattle are.

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS. 229
From th' eneray of all religions.
As weU as high and low conditions.
And share thera, frora blue ribands down
To all blue aprons in the town ;
Frora ladies hurried in caleches.
With cornets at their footmen's breeches.
To queans as fat as raother Nab,
All case and body, like a crab.
Our party's great, and better tied
With oaths, and trade, than any side ;
Has one considerable improvement
To double fortify the covenant ;
I mean our covenant to purchase
Delinquents' titles, and the church's.
That pass in sale, from hand to hand,
Among ourselves, for current land.
And rise or fall, like Indian actions,
According to the rate of factions ;
Our best reserve for reforraation.
When new outgoings give occasion ;
That keeps the loins of brethren girt
The cbvenant, their creed, t' assert ;
And, when they've packed a parliament,
Will once more try th' expedient :
Who can already muster friends.
To serve for merabers to our ends,
That represent no part o' th' nation.
But Fisher's-foUy congregation ;
Are only tools to our intrigues.
And sit like geese to hatch our eggs ;
Who, by their precedence of wit,
T' outfast, outloiter, and outfit.
And order matters under hand,
To put all business to a stand ;
Lay public bills aside, for private.
And make 'era one another drive out ;
Divert the great and necessary,
AVith trifles to contest and vary ;
And raake the nation represent.
And serve for us in parliaraent ;
Cut out more work than can be done
In Plato's year, but finish none.

230 itUpIBRAS. [part hi.
Unless it be the bulls of Lenthal,
That always passed for fundamental :
Can set up grandee against grandee,
To squander time away, and bandy ;
Make lords and commoners lay sieges
To one another's privileges :
And, rather than compound the quarrel.
Engage, to th' inevitable peril
Of both their rains, th' only scope
And consolation of our hope :
Who, though we do not play the game,
Assist us much by giving aim ;
Can introduce our ancient arts.
For heads of factions t' act their parts ;
Know what a leading voice is worth,
A seconding, a third, or fourth ;
How much a casting voice comes to.
That turns up tramp of Ay or No ;
And, by adjusting all at th' end.
Share every one his dividend.
An art that so much study cost.
And no-w's in danger to be lost.
Unless our ancient -virtuosos.
That found it out, get into th' houses.
These are the courses that we took
To carry things by hook or crook.
And practised do-wn frora forty-four.
Unless they turned us out of door :
Beside the herds of Boutfefeus
We set on work, without the house,
When every knight and citizen
Kept legislative journeymen,
To bring thera in intelligence,
Frora aU points of the rabble's sense.
And fiU the lobbies of both houses
With politic important buzzes ;
Set up committees of cabals.
To pack designs without the walls ;
Examine and draw up all news,
And fit it to our present use ;
Agree upon the plot o' the farce.
And every one his part rehearse ;

CANTO II.] HUdibras. 231
Make Qs of answers, to waylay
What th' other party's like to say ; '
With repartees, ahd smart reflections,
Shall be returned to all objections :
And who shaU break the master-jest.
And what, and how, upon the rest;
Help paraphlets out, with safe editions,
Of proper slanders and seditions.
And treason for a token send,
By letter, to a country friend ;
¦Disperse lampoons, the only wit
That men, like burglary, comrait.
With falser than a padder's face.
That all its owner does betrays :
AVho therefore dares not trust it, when
He's in his calling, to be seen.
Disperse the dung on barren earth.
To bring new weeds of discord forth.;
Be sure to keep up congregations.
In spite of laws and proclaraations :
For charlatans can do no good.
Until they're raounted in a crowd;.
And when they're punished, all the hurt
Is but to fare the better for't ;
As long as confessors are sure
Of double pay for all th' endure, ,
And what they earn in persecution,
Are paid f a groat in contribution :
Whence sorae tub-holders-forth have made
In powdering-tubs their richest trade ;
And, while they keep their shops in prison,
Have found their prices strangely risen,
Disdain to own the least regret
For all the Christian blood we've let ;
'TwUl save our credit, and maintairi
Our title to do so again ;
That needs not cost one dram of sense,
, But pertinacious impudence.
Our constancy t' our principles,
In time will wear out all things else ;
Like marlble statues, rubbed in pieces
With gaUantry of pilgrims' kisses ;

232 hudibras. [part hi.
While those who turn and wind their oaths.
Have sweUed and sunk, like other froths ;
Prevailed a while, but 'twas not long
Before from world to world they swung ;
As they had turned frora side to side.
And as the changelings lived they died.'
This said, th' impatient statesmonger
Could now contain' himself no longer,
Who had not spared to show his piques
Against th' haranguer's politics.
With smart remarks of leering faces.
And annotations of grimaces.
After he had administered a dose
Of snuff raundungus to his nose.
And powdered th' inside of his skull.
Instead of th' outward jobberool.
He shook it with a scornful look
On th' adversary, and thus he spoke :
' In dressing a calfs head, although
The toligue and brains together go,
Both keep so great a distance here,
'Tis strange if ever they corae near ;
For who did ever play his gambols
With such insufferable rambles.
To raake the bringing in the king.
And keeping of hira out, one thing ?
Which none could do, but those that swore
T' as point-blank nonsense heretofore ;
That to defend was to invade,
And to assassinate to aid :
Unless, because you drove him out, —
And that was never raade a doubt, —
No^ power is able to restore
And bring him in, but on your score ;
A spiritual doctrine, that conduces
Most properly to all your uses.
'Tis trae, a scorpion's oil is said
To cure the wounds the verrain made ;
And weapons dressed with salves, restore
And heal the hurts they gave before :
But whether Presbyterians have
So much good nature as the salve,

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS. 233
Or virtue in them as the vermin,
Those who have tried thera can determine.
Indeed 'tis pity you should raiss
Th' arrears of all your services.
And for th' eternal obligation
Y' laid upon th' ungrateful nation,
B' used so unconscionably hard.
As not to find a just reward.
For letting rapine loose, and raurther,
To rage just so far, but no further :
And setting all the land on fire.
To burn t' a scantling, but no higher ;
For venturing to assassinate,
And cut the throats of church and state.
And not be allowed the fittest men
To take the charge of both again :
Especially that have the grace
Of self-denying gifted face ;
Who, when your projects have miscarried.
Can lay thera, with undaunted forehead,
On those you painfully trepanned.
And sprinkled in at second hand ;
As we have been, to share the guilt
Of Christian blood, devoutly spilt ;
For so our ignorance was flamraed
To daran ourselves, t' avoid being daraned
Till finding your old foe, the hangman,
Was like to lurch you at backgararaon.
And win your necks upon the set.
As well as ours, who did but bet ;
For he had drawn your ears before.
And nicked thera on the self-sarae score
We threw the box and dice away.
Before y' had lost us at foul play ;
And brotight you down to rook and lie.
And fancy only on the by;
Redeemed your forfeit jobbernoles.
From perching upon lofty poles.
And rescued all your outward traitors,
Frora hanging up, like alligators ;
For which ingeniously y' have showed
Your presbyterian gratitude ;

234 HUDIBRAS. [pART hi.
i Would freely have paid us home in kind,
And not have been one rope behind.
Those were your raotives to divide,
And scruple, on the other side.
To turn your zealous frauds, and force.
To fits of conscience and reraorse ;
To be convinced they were in vain.
And face about for new again ;
For truth no raore unveiled your eyes.
Than raaggots are convinced to flies ;
And therefore aU your lights and calls
Are but apocryphal and false.
To charge us with the consequences
Of all your native insolences,
That to your own iraperious wills
Laid law and gospel neck and heels ;
Corrupted the Old Testaraent,
To serve the New for precedent ;
T' amend its errors and defects.
With raurder and rebeUion-texts ;
Of which there is not any one
In all the book to sow upon ;
And therefore from your tribe, the Jews
Held Christian doctrine forth, and use ;
As Mahoraet your chief, began
To raix thera in the Alcoran ;
Denounced and prayed with fierce devotion,
And bended elbows on the cushion : ¦
Stole frora the beggars all your tones.
And gifted mortifying groans ;
Had lights where better eyes were blind.
As pigs are said to see the wind ;
FiUed Bedlam with predestination.
And Knightsbridge with illuraination ;
Made children, with your tones, to run for't.
As bad as Bloodybones or Lunsford.
While woraen, great with child, raiscarried,
For being to malignants married :
Transforraed all wives to DaUlahs,
Whose husbands were not for the cause ;
And turned the men to ten-homed cattle.
Because they came not out to batde ;

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS. 23s
Made tailors' 'prentices turn heroes.
For fear of beirtg transformed to Meroz,
And rather forfeit their indentures.
Than not espouse the saints' adventures :
Could transubstantiate, metamorphose.
And charm whole herds of beasts, like Orpheus ;
Enchant the king's and church's lands,
T' obey and follow your commands, f
And settle on a new freehold,
As Marcly HUl had done of old ;
Could turn the cov'nant, and translate
The gospel into spoons and plate ;
Expound upon all merchants' cashes.
And open th' 'intricatest places;' "^*' ''¦¦"• ~
Could catechize a money-box.
And prove all pouches orthodox ;
Until the cause became a Damon,
And Pythias the wicked Mararaon.
' And yet, in spite of all your charms
To conjure Legion up in arras.
And raise raore devils in the rout.
Than e'er y' were able to cast out,
Y' have been reduced, and by those fools.
Bred up, you say, in your own schools.
Who, though but gifted at your feet.
Have raade it plain they have raore wit.
By whom you've been so oft trepanned.
And held forth out of all coraraand ;
Out-gifted, out-impulsed, out-done.
And out-revealed at carryings-on ;
Of all your dispensations wormed,
Out-providenced and out-reformed ;
Ejected out of church and state.
And all things but the people's hate ;
And spirited out of th' enjoyments
Of precious, edifying employments.
By' those who lodged their gifts and graces,
Like better bowlers, in your places :
All which you bore with resolution,
Charged on' th' account of persecution ;
And though raost righteously oppressed,
Against your wUls, stUl acquiesced :

236 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
And never huinraed and hahed sedition.
Nor snuffled treason, nor misprision :
That is, because you never durst ;
Fot had you preached and prayed your worst,
Alas ! you were no longer able
To raise your posse of the rabble :
One single redcoat sentinel
Out-charraed the raagic of the spell.
And, with his squirt-fire, could disperse
Whole troops with chapter raised and verse.
AVe knew too well those tricks of yours.
To leave it ever in your powers.
Or trust our safeties, or undoings.
To your disposing of outgoings,
Or to your ordering providence.
One farthing's worth of consequence.
' For had you power to underraine.
Or wit to carry a design.
Or correspondence to trepan.
Inveigle, or betray one raan.
There's nothing else that intervenes,
And bars your zeal to use the raeans ;
And therefore wondrous like, no doubt.
To bring in kings, or keep thera out :
Brave undertakers to restore.
That could not keep yourselves in power ;
T' advance the interests of the crown.
That wanted wit to keep your own.
'Tis true you have, for I'd be loth
To wrong ye, done your parts in both.
To keep hira out, and bring hira in.
As grace is introduced by sin ;
For 'twas your zealous want of sense.
And sanctified irapertinence.
Your carrying business in a huddle.
That forced our rulers to new-raodel ;
Obliged the state to tack about.
And turn you, root and branch, all out ;
To reforraado, one and all,
T' your great croisado general :
Your greedy slavering to devour.
Before 'twas in your clutches, power ;

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS. 237
That sprung the garae you were to set.
Before y' had time to draw the net ;
Your spite to see the church's lands
Divided into other hands.
And all your sacrilegious ventures
Laid out in tickets and debentures :
Your envy to be sprinkled down.
By under churches in the town ;
And no course used to stop their mouths.
Nor th' independents' spreading growths :
All which considered, 'tis most true
None bring hira in so much as you.
Who have prevailed beyond their plots.
Their midnight juntos, and sealed knots ;
That thrive more by your zealous piques.
Than all their own rash politics.
And this way you may claira a share
In carrying, as you brag, th' affair.
Else frogs and toads, that croaked the Jews
Frora Pharaoh and his brick-kilns loose.
And flies and raange, that set thera free
Frora task-raasters and slavery.
Were likelier to do the feat.
In any indifferent man's conceit :
For who e'er heard of restoration.
Until your thorough reformation ?
That is, the king's and church's lands
Were sequestered int' other hands :
For only then, and not before,
Your eyes were opened to restore ;
And when the work was carrying pn.
Who crossed it, but yourselves alone ?
As by a world of hints appears.
All plain, and extant, as your ears.
'But first, o' th' first : The Isle of Wight
Will rise up, if you should deny't,
AVhere Henderson, and th' other masses.
Were sent to cap texts, and put cases :
To pass for deep and learned scholars,
Although put paltry Ob and SoUers :
As if th' unseasonable fools
Had been a coursing in the schools,

238 hUDIBRAS. [part hi-
UntU th' had proved the devil author
O' th' cov'nant, and the cause his daughter ;
For when they charged him with the guilt
Of all the blood that had been spilt.
They did not mean he wrought th' effusion
In person, like Sir Pride, or Hewson,
But only those who first begun
The quarrel were by hira set on ;
And who could those be but the saints,
Those reforraation termagants ?
But ere this passed, t'ne wise debate
Spent so rauch tirae it grew too late ;
For Oliver had gotten ground,
T' inclose hira with his wan'iors round ;
Had brought his providence about,
And turned th' untiraely sophists out.
' Nor had the Uxbridge business less
Of nonsense in't, or sottishness ;
When frora a scoundrel holder-forth.
The scum, as well as son o' th' earth,
Your mighty senators took law.
At his coraraand were forced t' -withdraw,
And sacrifice the peace o' th' nation
The doctrine, use, and application.
So when the Scots, your constant cronies,
Th' espousers of your cause and monies.
Who had so often, in your aid.
So raany ways been soundly paid.
Came in at last for better ends.
To prove theraselves your trasty friends.
You basely left thera, and the church
They trained you up to, in the lurch.
And suffered your own tribe of Christians
To fall before, as true Philistines.
This shows what utensUs y' have been.
To bring the king's concernments in,
Which is so far from being true.
That none but he can bring in you ;
And if he take you into trust,
WiU find you most exactly just.
Such as will punctually repay
AVith double interest, and betray.

CANTO H.J HUDIBRAS. 239
.' Not that I think those pantomimes,
AVlio vary action with the times, '
Are less ingenious in their art,
Than those who dully act one part ;
Or those who tum from side to side.
More guUty than the wind and tide.
All countries are a -wise raan's horae
And so are governraents to sorae,
Who change thera for the sarae intrigues
That statesmen use in breaking leagues ;
While others in old faiths and troths
Look odd, as out-of-fashioned clothes,-
And nastier in an old opinion,
Than those who never shift their linen.
For true and faithful's sure to lose,
Which way soever the garae goes ;
And whether parties lose or win.
Is always nicked, or else hedged in :
While power usurped, like stolen delight^
Is raore bewitching than the right, .
And when the times begin to alter.
None rise so high as frora the halter.
And so we may, if we've but sense
To use the necessary means.
And not your usual stratagems
On one another, lights, and dreams :
To stand on terms as positive,
As if we did not take, but give;.
Set up the covenant on crutches,
'Gainst those who have us in their clutches.
And dream of puUing churches down.
Before we're sure to prop our own ;
Your constant raethod of proceeding,
Without the carnal means of heeding.
Who, 'twixt your inward sense and outward,
Are worse, than if y' had none, accoutred.
' I grant all courses are in vain,
Unless we can get in again ;
The only way that's left us now.
But aU the difficulty's, how?
'Tis true we've money, th' only power
That aU mankind faUs down before ;

340 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
Money that, Uke the swords of kings.
Is the last reason of all things ;
And therefore need not doubt our play
Has all advantages that way ;
As long as men have faith to sell.
And meet with those that can pay well ;
Whose half-starved pride, and avarice.
One church and state will not suffice
T' expose to sale ; besides the wages
Of storing plagues to after ages.
Nor is our raoney less our own
Than 'twas before we laid it down ;
For 'twiU retum, and turn t' account.
If we are brought in play upon't,
Or but, by casting knaves, get in.
What power can hinder us to win ?
We know the arts we used before.
In peace and war, and something more;
And by th' unfortunate events,
Can mend our next experiments ;
For when we're taken into trast ;
How easy are the wisest choused,
AVho see but th' outsides of our feats,
And not their secret springs and weights ;
And, while they're busy, at their ease.
Can carry what designs we please ?
How easy is't to serve for agents.
To prosecute our old engagements ?
To keep the good old cause on foot.
And present power from taking root ;
Inflame them both with false alarms
Of plots, and parties taking arms ;
To keep the nation's wounds too wide
From healing up of side to side ;
Profess the passionat'st concerns.
For both their interests by turns.
The only way t' improve our own.
By deahng faithfully with none ;
As bowls ran true, by being made
On purpose false, and to be swayed.
For if we should be true to either,
'Twould tum us out of both together ;

CANTO II.] HUT!IBRAS, 241
And therefore have no other raeans
To stand upon our own defence.
But keeping up our ancient party
In vigour, confident and hearty :
To reconcUe our late dissenters.
Our brethren, though by other venters ;
Unite thera, and their different raaggots.
As long and short sticks are in faggots.
And raake thera join again as close.
As when they first began t' espouse ;
Erect them into separate
New Jewish tribes in church and state ;
To join in marriage and commerce.
And only 'mong theraselves converse.
And all that are not of their raind.
Make enemies to all raankind :
Take all religions in, and stickle
Frora conclave down to conventicle ;
Agreeing still or disagreeing.
According to the light in being,
Soraetiraes for liberty of conscience.
And spiritual misrule in one sense ;
But in another quite contrary,
As dispensations chance to vary ;
And stand for, as the times wUl bear it.
All contradictions of the spirit :
Protect their emissaries, erapowered
To preach sedition and the word ;
And when they're harapered by the laws.
Release the labourers for the cause.
And turn the persecution back
On those that raade the first attack.
To keep thera equally in awe.
For breaking, or maintaining law :
And when they have their fits too soon.
Before the full-tides of the moon.
Put off their zeal t' a fitter season.
For sowing faction in and treason ;
And keep thera hooded, and their churches.
Like hawks, frora baiting on their perches ;
That when the blessed tirae shall corae
Of quitting Babylon and Rome,

242 HUDIBRAS., [part ih.
They may be ready to restore
Their own fifth monarchy once raore.
MeanwhUe be better arraed to fence
Against revolts of providence.
By watching narrowly, and snapping
AU blind sides of it as they happen :
For if success could raake us saints.
Our ruin turned us miscreants ;
A scandal that would fall too hard
Upon a few, and unprepared.
' These are the courses we must run,
Spite of our hearts, or be undone.
And not to stand on terms and freaks.
Before we have secured our necks.
But do our work as out of sight,
As stars by day, and suns by night ;
All license of the people own.
In opposition to the crown ;
And for the crown as fiercely side.
The head and body to divide ;
The end of all we first designed.
And all that yet remains behind.
Be sure to spare no public rapine.
On all emergencies that happen :
For 'tis as easy to supplant
Authority, as men in want ;
As some of us, in trasts, have made
The one hand with the other trade ;
Gained vastly by their joint endeavour,
The right a thief, the left receiver ;
And what the one, by tricks, forestalled.
The other, by as sly, retaUed :
For gain has wonderful effects
T' iraprove the factory of sects ;
The rule of faith in all professions.
And great Diana of th' Ephesians ;
AVhence turning of religion 's raade
The raeans to tum and wind a trade ;
And though sorae change it for the worse.
They put themselves into a course.
And draw in store of customers.
To thrive the better in commerce :

CANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 243
For all religions flock together^
Like tarae and wild fowl of a feather,
, To nab the itches of their sects,
As jades do one another's necks.
Hence 'tis hypocrisy as well
Will serve t' iraprove a church, as zeal ;
As persecution, or promotion.
Do equally advance devotion.
' Let business like ill watches, go
Sometime too fast, sometirae too slow ;
For things in order are put out
So easy, ease itself wiU do't :
But when the feat's designed and meant.
What miracle can bar th' event ?
For 'tis more easy to betray,
Than ruin any other way.
' All possible occasions start.
The weightiest matters to divert ;
Obstruct, perplex, distract, entangle.
And lay perpetual trains, to wrangle.
But in affairs of less import.
That neither do us good nor hurt.
And they receive as little by.
Out-fawn as much, and out-comply.
And seera as scrupulously just.
To bait our hooks for greater trust.
But still be careful to cry down
All public actions, though our own ;
The least miscarriage aggravate,
And charge it all upon the state :
Express the horrid'st detestation.
And pity the distracted nation ;
Tell stories scandalous and false,
I' th' proper language of cabals.
Where all a subtle statesraan says,
Is half in words, and half in face ;
As Spaniards talk in dialogues
Of heads and shoulders, nods and shrugs ;
Entrast it under soleran vow
Of raum and silence, and the rose.
To be retaUed again in whispers.
For th' easy credulous to disperse.'

2 44 . HUDIBRAS. . [part- IH.
Thus far the statesman — When a shout,
Heard at a distance, put him out ;
And straight another, all aghast.
Rushed in with equal fear and haste,
Who stared about, as pale as death,
And for a while, as out of breath.
Till, having gathered up his wits.
He thus began his tale by fits :
' That beastly rabble — that came down
From all the garrets — in the town
And stalls, and shop-boards — in vast swarms,
AVith new-chalked bills, and rusty arras.
To cry the cause — up, heretofore.
And bawl the bishops — out of door ;
Are new drawn up — in greater shoals,
To roast — and broil us on the coals.
And all the grandees — of our raerabers
Are carbonading — on the embers ;
Knights, citizens and burgesses —
Held forth by ramps — of pigs and geese.
That serve for characters — and badges
To represent their personages.
Each bonfire is a funeral pile.
In which they roast, and scorch, and broil,
And every representative
Have vowed to roast — and broU alive :
And 'tis a miracle we are not
Already sacrificed incarnate ;
For while we wrangle here, and jar.
We're grilUed aU at Temple Bar ;
Some, on the sign-post of an alehouse.
Hang in effigy, on the gaUows,
Made up of rags, to personate
Respective officers of state ;
That, henceforth, they may stand reputed,
Proscribed in law, and executed.
And, whUe the work is carrying on,
Be ready listed under Dun,
That worthy patriot, once the bellows,
And tinder-box, of all his fellows ;
The activ'st member of the five,
As well as the most priraitive ;

(iANTO II.] HUDIBRAS. 245
Who, for his faithful service then,
Is chosen for a fifth again :
For since the State has raade a quint
Of generals, he's lifted in't
This worthy, as the world wiU say.
Is' paid in specie, his own way ;
For, moulded to the life, in clouts,
Th' have picked from dunghiUs hereabouts.
He's mounted on a hazel bavin
A cropped malignant baker gave 'em ;
.'Vnd to the largest bonfire riding,
Th' have roasted Cook already, and Pride in ;
On whom, in equipage and state.
His scarecrow fellow-raerabers wait.
And raarch in ordet two and two.
As at thanksgivings th' used to do ;
Each in a tattered talisman,
Like verrain in effigy slain.
' But, what's raore dreadful than the rest ;
Those ruraps are but the tail o' th' beast,.
Set up to popish engineers.
As by the crackers plainly appears ;
For none but Jesuits have a raission
To preach the faith with araraunition.
And propagate the church with powder ;
Their founder was a blown-up soldier.
These spiritual pioneers o' th' whore's.
That have the charge of all her stores ;
Since first they failed in their designs.
To take in heaven by springing raines.
And, with unanswerable barrels
Of gunpowder, dispute their quarrels.
Now take a course raore practicable.
By laying trains to fire the rabble.
And blow us up, in th' open streets.
Disguised in ruraps, like sarabenites,
More like to ruin and confound.
Than all their doctrines under ground.
' Nor have they chosen ruraps araiss.
For syrabols of state-raysteries ;
Though some suppose, 'twas but to show
How much they scorned the saints, the few,

246 , ^ HUDIBRASl. [part m.
Who, 'cause they're wasted to the stumps,,
Are represented best by ramps.
But Jesuits have -deeper reaches
In all their poUtic far-fetches ;
And from the Coptic priest, Kircherus,
Found out this mystic way to jeer us :
For, as th' Egyptians used by bees
T' express their antique Ptolomies,
And by their stings, the swords they wore.
Held forth authority and power ;
Because these subtle aniraals
Bear all their interests in their taUs ;
But when they're once irapaired in that.
Are banisii«d^ their weU-ordered' state :
They thought aU governments were best
By hieroglyphic rumps expressed.
For as a fly that goes to bed,
Rests with his tail above his head.
So, in this mongrel state of ours.
The rabble are the supreme powers.
That horsed us on their backs, to show us
A jadish trick at last, and throw us.
' The learned rabbins of the Jews
Write, there's a bone, which they caU Luez,
I' th' rump of man, of such a -virtue.
No force in nature can do hurt to ;
And therefore, at the last great day.
All th' other members shall, they say.
Spring out of this, as from a seed
All sorts of vegetals proceed ;
From whence the learned sons of art,
Os sacrum justly style that part :
Then what can better represent.
Than this rump bone, the parliament ?
That after several rude ejections,
And as prodigious resurrections,
AVith new reversions of nine lives.
Starts up, and, like a cat, revives ?
But now, alas ! they're all expired.
And th' house, as well as members, fired ;
Consumed in kennels by the rout,
With which they other fires put out ;

CANTO II.J HUDIBRAS.
Condemned t' ungoverning distress,
And paltry private wretchedness ;
Worse than the devU to privation.
Beyond all hopes of restoration ;
And parted, like the body and soul,
From all dorainion and control.
We, who could lately, with a look,
Enact, establish, or revoke,
Whose arbitrary nods gave law.
And frowns kept raultitudes in awe ;
Before the bluster of whose huff.
All hats, as in a storm, flew off;
Adored and bowed to by the great, ''
Down to the footman and valet ;
Had more bent knees than chapel-mats.
And prayers than the crowns of hats.
Shall now be scorned as wretchedly ;
For ruin's just as low as high ;
Which might be suffered were it aU
The horror that attends our fall :
For some of us have scores more large
Than heads and quarters can discharge ;
And others, who, by restless scraping,
With pubUc frauds, and private rapine.
Have mighty heaps of wealth amassed.
Would gladly lay down all at last ;
And, to be but undone, entail
Their vessels on perpetual jaU,
And bless the devil to let them farms
Of forfeit souls on no worse terras.'
This said, a near and louder shout
Put all th' asserably to the rout.
Who now begun f outrun their fear,
As horses do, frora those they bear ;
But crowded on with so rauch haste.
Until th' had blocked the passage fast,
And barricadoed it with haunches
Of outward raen, and bulks and paunches.
That with their shoulders strove to squeeze.
And rather save a crippled piece
Of all their crushed and broken raerabers,
Than have them grUlied on the embers ;

247

248 HUDIBRAS. ' [part hi.
Still pressing on with heavy packs
Of one another on their backs.
The vanguard could no longer bear
The charges of the forlorn rear.
But, borne down headlong by the rout,
AVere trampled sorely under foot;
Yet nothing proved so formidkble,
As th' horrid cookery of the rabble ;
And fear, that keeps all feeling out.
As lesser pains are by the gout.
Relieved 'em with a fresh supply
Of rallied force, enough to fly.
And beat a Tuscan running-horse.
Whose jockey-rider is all spurs.

CANTO III.

THE ARGUMENT.

The knight and squire's prodigious flight
To quit th' enchanted bower by night.
He plods to turn his araorous suit,
T' a plea in law, and prosecute :
Repairs to counsel, to advise
'Bout managing the enterprise ;
But first resolves to try by letter.
And one more fair address, to get her.
Who would believe what strange bugbears
Mankind creates itself, of fears.
That spring, like fern, that insect weed,
Equivocally, without seed.
And have no possible foundation.
But merely in th' imagination ?
And yet can do more dreadful feats
Than hags, with all their iraps and teats ;
Make more bewitch and haunt theraselves.
Than all their nurseries of elves.
For fear does things so like a witch,
'Tis hard t' unriddle which is which ;
Sets up communities of senses.
To chop and change intelligences ;
As Rosicracian virtuosos
Can see with ears, and hear with noses ;
And when they neither see nor hear.
Have more than both supplied by fear.
That makes them in the dark see visions.
And hag themselves with apparitions.
And when their eyes discover least.
Discern the subtlest objects best;
Do things not contrary alone.
To th' course of nature, but its own,
The courage of the bravest daunt,
And turn poltroons, as valiant;

250 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
For men as resolute appear
With too much, as too Uttle fear ;
And, when they're out of hopes of flying,
WUl ran away from dea,th, by dying ;
Or turn again to stand it out.
And those they fled, like Uons, rout.
This Hudibras had proved too trae,
Who, by the furies, Idt. perdue.
And haunted with detachments, sent
Frora Marshal Legion's regiment.
Was by a fiend, as counterfeit.
Relieved and rescued with a cheat.
When nothing but himself, and fear.
Was both the imps and conjurer ;
As by the rules o' th' virtuosi.
It follows in due form of poesie.
Disguised in all the masks of night,
We left our champion on his flight.
At blindman's buff, to grope his way.
In equal fear of night and day ;
AA'ho took his dark and desperate course.
He knew no better than his horse ;
And by an unknown devil led.
He knew as little whither, fled.
He never was in greater need.
Nor less capacity of speed ;
Disabled, both in man and beast.
To fly and run away, his best ;
To keep the enemy, and fear.
From equal falling on his rear.
And though with kicks and bangs he pUed
The furthur and the nearer side ;
As seamen ride with all their force.
And tug as if they rowed the horse,
And when the hackney saUs more swift,
Believe they lag, or run adrift ;
So, though he posted e'er so fast.
His fear was greater than his haste :
For fear, though fleeter than the wind.
Believes 'tis always left behind,
But when the morn began t' appear,
And shift f another scene his fear^

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 251
He found his new officious shade.
That came so timely to his aid.
And forced hira frora the foe t' escape.
Had turned itself to Ralpho's shape.
So like in person, garb, and pitch,
'Twas hard t' interpret which was which.
For Ralpho had no sooner told
The lady all he had t' unfold,
But she conveyed hira out of sight,
To entertain the approaching knight ;
And while he gave hiraself diversion,
T' accomraodate his beast and person,
And put his beard into a posture
At best advantage to accost her.
She ordered th' antiraasquerade.
For his reception, aforesaid :
But when the cereraony was done,
The lights put out, the furies gone.
And Hudibras, among the rest,
Conveyed away, as Ralpho guessed.
The wretched caitiff, all alone,
As he believed, began to moan.
And teU his story to himself,
The knight raistook hira for an elf;
And did so still, tUl he began
To scrapie at Ralph's outward raan.
And thought, because they oft agreed
T' appear in one another's stead.
And act the saint's and devil's part.
With undistinguishable art.
They might have done so now, perhaps.
And put on one another's shapes ;
And therefore, to resolve the doubt.
He stared upon him, and cried out
' AATiat art ? My squire, or that bold sprite
That took his place and shape to-night ?
Some busy independent pug.
Retainer to his synagogue?'
' Alas ! ' quoth he, ' I'm none of those
Your bosom friends, as you suppose.
But Ralph himself, your trasty squire,
Wh' has dragged your dunship out o' th' mire.

252 HUDIBRAS. ' [part 111.
And frora th' enchantments of a widow,
Wh' had turned you int' a beast, have freed you ;
And, though a prisoner of war,
Ifave brought you safe, where now you are ;
Which you would gratefully repay.
Your constant presbyterian way.'
' That's stranger,' quoth the knight, ' and stranger ;
AVho gave thee notice of ray danger?'
Quoth he, 'Th' infernal conjurer
Pursued, and took rae prisoner ;
And, knowing you were hereabout.
Brought rae along to find you out.
Where I, in hugger-raugger hid,
Have noted all they said or did :
And, though they lay to hira the pageant,
I did not see hira, nor his agent ;
Who played their sorceries out of sight
T' avoid a fiercer second fight.'
' But didst thou see no devils then ?'
' Not one,' quoth he, ' but carnal raen,
A little worse than fiends in hell.
And that she-devil Jezebel,
That laughed and tee-heed with derision.
To see thera take your deposition.'
' What then,' quoth Hudibras, ' was he
That played the devil to exaraine rae?'
' A rallying weaver in the town.
That did it in a parson's gown.
Whom all the parish takes for gifted.
But, for ray part, I ne'er believed it :
In which you told thera all your feats,
Your conscientious frauds and cheats ; ,
Denied your whipping, and confessed
The naked trath of all the rest,
More plainly than the reverend writer
That to our churches veiled his mitre ;
All which they take in black and white.
And cudgelled me to underwrite.'
' What raade thee, when they all were gone.
And none but thou and I alone.
To act the devil, and forbear
To rid rae of my hellish fear?'

CANTO HI.'] HUDIBRAS. 253
Quoth he, 'I knew your constant rate.
And frarae of spirit too obstinate.
To be by rae prevailed'upon.
With any motives of ray own ;
And therefore strove to counterfeit
The devil a while, to nick your wit ;
The devil, that is your constant crony.
That only can prevail upon ye ;
Else we raight still have been disputing.
And they with weighty drubs confuting.'
The knight, who now began to find
They'd left the eneray behind.
And saw no further harra reraain.
But feeble weariness and pain.
Perceived, by losing of their way,
Th' had gained th' advantage of the day.
And, by declining of the road.
They had, by chance, their rear raade good ;
He ventured to dismiss his fear,
That parting's wont to rant and tear.
And give the desperat'st attack
To danger stUl behind its back :
For having paused to recollect.
And on his past success reflect,
T' examine and consider why.
And whence, and how, he carae to fly.
And when no devil had appeared.
What else it could be said he feared.
It put him in so fierce a rage.
He once resolved to re-engage ;
Tossed, like a foot-ball, back again
With shame, and vengeance, and disdain.
Quoth he, ' It was' thy cowardice.
That made me frora this leaguer rise.
And when I'd half-reduced the place.
To quit it infamously base.
Was better covered by the new
Arrived detachment, than I knew ;
To sUght ray new acquests, and run.
Victoriously, frora battles won ;
And, reckoning all I gained or lost,
To seU thera cheaper than they cost ;

254 HUDIBRAS. [pArt hi.
To make me put myself to flight.
And, conquering, ran away by night ;
To drag me out, which th' haughty foe
Durst never have presumed to do ;
To mount me in the dark, by force,
Upon the bare ridge of my horse.
Exposed in querpo to their rage.
Without my arras and equipage ;
Lest, if they ventured to pursue,
I raight the unequal fight renew ;
And, to preserve thy outward raan.
Assumed ray place, and led the van.'
' All this,' quoth Ralph, ' I did, 'tis trae,
Not to preserve myself, but you :
You, who were damned to baser drabs
Than wretches feel in powdering tubs.
To mount two-wheeled carroches, worse
Than managing a wooden horse ;
Dragged out through straiter holes by th' ears.
Erased, or couped for perjurers ;
Who, though th' attempt had proved in vain.
Had had no reason to coraplain ;
But, since it prospered, 'tis unhandsorae
To blarae the hand that paid your ransom.
And rescued your obnoxious bones
From unavoidable battoons.
The eneray was reinforced.
And we disabled and unhorsed,
Disarmed, unquaUfied for fight.
And no way left but hasty flight.
Which, though as desperate in th' attempt,
Has given you freedom to condemn't.
But were our bones in fit condition
To reinforce the expedition,
'Tis now unseasonable and vain,
To think of falling on again :
No martial project to surprise
Can ever be attempted twice ;
Nor cast design serve afterwards,
As garaesters tear their losing cards.
Beside, our bangs of man and beast
Are fit for nothing now but rest,

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS.
And for a while wUl not be able
To rally, and prove serviceable :
And therefore I, with reason, chose
This stratagem to amuse our foes.
To make an honourable retreat.
And waive a total sure defeat j,.. _ ...... ..
For those that fly raay fight again,
AVhich he can never do that's slain.
Hence tiraely ranning's no mean part
Of conduct, in the martial art.
By which sorae glorious feats achieve,
As citizens by breaking thrive,
And cannons conquer armies, while
They seem to draw off and recoil ;
Is held the gaUant'st course, and bravest,
To great exploits, as well as safest ;
That spares- th' expense of time and pains,
And dangerous beating out of brains ;
And, in the end, prevails as certain
As those that never trust to fortune ;
But make their fear do execution
Beyond the stoutest resolution ;
As earthquakes kill without a blow.
And, only trerabling, overthrow.
If th' ancients crowned their bravest men
That only saved a citizen,
What victory could e'er be won,
If every one would save but one ?
Or fight endangered to be lost,
Where all resolve to save the most ?
By this means, when a battle's won,
The war's as far from bemg done ;
For those that save themselves and fly,
Go halves, at least, i' th' victory ;
And sometime, when the loss is small,
And danger great, they chaUenge aU ;
Print new additions to their feats,
And emendations in gazettes ;
And when, for furious haste to ran.
They durst not stay to fire a gun.
Have done 't with bonfires, and at home
Made squibs and crackers overcome ;

255

2s6 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
To set the rabble on a flame.
And keep their governors from blame.
Disperse the news the pulpit tells,
Confirraed with fireworks and with beUs ;
And, though reduced to that extreme.
They have been forced to sing Te Deum ;
Yet, with religious blasphemy.
By flattering heaven with a lie.
And, for their beating, giving thanks,
Th' have raised recruits, and fiUed their banks ;
For those who run from th' enemy.
Engage them equally to fly ;
And when the fight becomes a chace,
Those win the day that win the race ;
And that which would not pass in fights,
Has done the feat with easy flights ;
Recovered raany a desperate carapaign
With Bourdeaux, Burgundy, and Chkmpaign ;
Restored the fainting high and mighty.
With brandy-wine, and aqua- vitas ;
And made them stoutly overcome
Witli bacrack, hoccamore, and mum ;
With th' uncontrolled decrees of fate
To victory necessitate ;
AA'^ith which, although they ran or burn.
They unavoidably return ;
Or else their sultan populaces
Still strangle all their routed bassas.'
Quoth Hudibras, ' I understand
What fights thou mean'st at sea and land.
And who those v^fere that run away.
And yet gave out th' had won the day ;
Although the rabble soused thera for't.
O'er head and ears, in raud and dirt
'Tis true our modem way of war
Is grown more politic by far.
But not so resolute and bold,
Nor tied to honour, as the old.
For now they laugh at giving battle,
Unless it be to herds of cattle ;
Or fighting convoys of provision.
The whole design o' the expedition.

'ANTO IH.J HUDIBRAS. , 257
And not with downright blows to rout
The enemy, but eat them out :
As fighting, in aU beasts of prey.
And eating, are perforraed one way.
To give defiance to their teeth.
And fight their stubborn hearts to death ;
And those achieve the highest renown.
That bring the other storaachs down.
There's now no fear of wounds nor raaiming,
All dangers are reduced to faraine.
And feats of arras to plot, design.
Surprise, and stratagera, and raine ;
But have no need nor use of courage.
Unless it be for glory, or forage :
For if they fight 'tis but by chance.
When one side venturing to advance.
And come unciviUy too near.
Are charged unmercifully' i' th' rear.
And forced, with terrible resistance.
To keep hereafter at a distance.
To pick out ground t' encamp upon.
Where store of largest rivers run.
That serve, instead of peaceful barriers.
To part th' engagements of their warriors ;
AVhere both from side tc ¦s'^z raay skip.
And only encounter at bo-peep :
For raen are found tfie ^-'-outer-hearted.
The certainer the-' 'rt t. ;¦ be parted.
And therefore post then.selves in bogs.
As th' ancient raic attacked the frogs.
And raade tLe'r mojial eneray,
The water-rat, . leir iirict a^ly.
For 'tis not now vUo - stout and bold,
But who bears hiaine'- ' st, and cold?
And he's approved ue .nf^st deserving.
Who longest can hold ci:, .^l &t?rving;
And he that routs mo.^ . pigs .iJ cows,
The formidablest raan of pre vp'^s.
So th' eraperor Caligula,
That triuraphed o'er the British t-a.
Took crabs and oysters prisoners,
And lobsters, 'stead of cuirasiers ;

2 58 HUDIBRAS. [part
Engaged his legions in fierce bustles,
With periwinkles, prawns, and mussels.
And led his troops with fiirious gallops.
To charge whole regiments of scaUops ;
Not like their ancient way of war.
To wait on his triumphal car ;
But when he went to dine or sup.
More bravely ate his captives up.
And left all war, by his example, -
Reduced to vict'Ung of a camp well.'
Quoth Ralph, ' By all that you have said,
And twice as much that I could add,
'Tis plain you cannot now do worse
Than take this out-of-fashioned course,
To hope, by stratagem, to woo her.
Or waging battle to subdue her ;
Though sorae have done it in romances.
And banged them into amorous fancies :
As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing of their bones ;
And stout Rinaldo gained his bride
By courting of her back and side.
But since these times and feats are over.
They are not for a modem lover.
When mistresses are too cross-grained.
By such addresses to be gained ;
And if they were, would have it out
With many another kind of bout
Therefore I hold no course s' infeasible.
As this of force, to wui the Jezebel,
To storra her heart by th' antique charms
Of ladies errant, force of arms :
But rather strive by law to win her.
And try the title you have in her.
Your case is clear, you have her word.
And me to witness the accord :
Besides two more of her retinue
To testify what passed between you ;
More probable, and like to hold.
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold.
For which so many that renounced
Their plighted contracts, have been trounced.

IIL

canto III.] HUDIBRAS. 259
And biUs upon record been found.
That forced the ladies to compound ;
And that, unless I miss the matter,
Is all the business you look after.
Besides, encounters at the bar
Are braver now than those in war.
In which the law does execution.
With less disorder and confusion ;
Has more of honour in't, sorae hold,
Not like the new way, but the old,
When those the pen had drawn together.
Decided quarrels with the feather.
And wingfed arrows kiUed as dead.
And more than bullets now of lead :
So all their combats now, as then.
Are managed chiefly by the pen ;
That does the feat, with braver vigours.
In words at length, as well as figures ;
Is judge of all the world performs
In voluntary feats of arms.
And whatsoe'er's achieved in fight,
Deterraines which is wrong or right :
For whether you prevaU, or lose.
All must be tried there in the close ;
And therefore 'tis not wise to shun
What you must trust to ere ye've done.
The law, that settles all you do.
And marries where you did but woo ;
That makes the raost perfidious lover,
A lady, that's as false, recover ;
And if it judge upon your side,
WUl soon extend ,her for your bride,
And put her person, goods, or lands.
Or. which you like best, int' your hands.
For law's the wisdora of all ages.
And. managed by the ablest sages,
Who, though their business at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war,
In which th' engage with fiercer dudgeons
Than e'er the Grecians did, and Trojans,
They never manage the contest
>T' impair their public interest, I 2

26o ' HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
Or by their controversies lessen
The dignity of their profession :
Not Uke us brethren, who divide
Our comraon-wealth, the cause, and side ;
And though we're aU as near of kindred
As th' outward man is to the inward.
We agree in nothing, but to wrangle '
About the slightest fingle-fangle,
WhUe lawyers have more sober sense,
Than t' argue at their own expense,
But make their best advantages
Of others' quarrels, like the Swiss ;
And out of foreign controversies.
By aiding both sides, fill their purses ;
But have no interest in the cause
For which th' engage, and wage the laws.
Nor further prospect than their pay,
AVhether they lose or win the day.
And though th' abounded in all ages,
With sundry leambd clerks and sages ;
Though all their business be dispute.
Which way they canvass every suit,
Th' have no disputes about their art.
Nor in polemics controvert ;
While all professions else are found
With nothing but disputes t' abound :
Divines of all sorts, and physicians.
Philosophers, raatheraaticians ;
The Galenist, and Paracelsian,
Condemn the way each other deals in ;
Anatomists dissect and mangle.
To cut theraselves out work to wrangle ;
Astrologers dispute their drearas.
That in their sleeps they talk of scheraes ;
• And heralds stickle who got who.
So raany hundred years ago.
But lawyers are too wise a nation
T' expose their trade to disputation.
Or raake the busy rabble judges
Of all their secret piques and grudges ;
In which, whoever wins the day.
The whole profession's sure to pay.

CANTO iii.J HLiDIBRAS. 261
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheatSj
Dare undertake to do their feats.
When in all other sciences
They swarm Uke insects, and increase.
For what bigot durst ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law ?
Or could hold forth, by revelation,
An answer to a declaration ?
For those that meddle with their tools,
AVill cut their fingers, if they're fools :
And if you follow their advice,
In biUs, and answers, and replies,
They'll write a love-letter in chancery,
ShaU bring her upon oath to answer ye.
And soon reduce her to b' your wife.
Or make her weary of her life.'
The knight, who used with tricks and shifts
To edify by Ralpho's gifts,
But in appearance cried him down.
To make them better seem his own.
All plagiaries' constant course
Of sinking, when they take a purse,
Resolved to follow his advice.
But kept it frora hira by disguise ;
And, after stubborn contradiction.
To counterfeit his own conviction.
And, by transition, fall upon
The resolution as his own.
Quoth he, ' This gambol thou advisest
Is, of all others, the unwisest ;
For, if I think by law to gain her,
There's riothing sillier nor vainer.
'Tis but to hazard my pretence.
Where nothing's certain but th' expense ;
To act against myself, and traverse
My suit and title to her favours ;
And if she should, which heaven forbid !
O'erthrow me, as the fiddler did.
What after-course have I to take,
'Gainst losing all I have at stake ?
. He that with injury is grieved,
Arid goes to law to be relieved,

HUDIBRAS.' [pArT HI.
Is siUier than a sottish chouse.
Who, when a thief has robbed his house,.? ^
Applies hiraself to cunning men, ;
To help him to his goods again; '- •;.
When all he can expect to gain, ' '•
Is but to squander more in vain :
And yet I have no other way.
But is as difficult to play :
For to reduce her, by raain force.
Is now in vain ; by fair raeans, worse ;
But worst of all to give her over.
Till she's as desperate to recover :
For bad games are thrown up too soon,
Until they're never to be won ;
But sincg I have ^o^ otjier course.
But -is as bad f attenipt; or worse,
He thatcoiripUes against his will.
Is of his own opinion still.
Which he may adhere to, yet disown,"
For reasqns to hiraself best known ;
But 'tis not to b' avoided now,
For Sidro^el resolves to sue ;
Whora I raust answer, or begin.
Inevitably, first -with hira ;
For I've received advertiseraent
By times enough, of his intent ;
And knowing he that first complains
Th' advantage of the business gains ;
For courts of justice understand
The plaintiff to be eldest hand ;
Who what he pleases may aver,
The other nothing tUl he swear ;
Is freely admitted to aU grace,
And lawful favour, by his place ;
And, for his bringing custora in.
Has all advantages to win :
I, who resolve to oversee
No lucky opportunity,
Will go to counsel, to advise
Which way t' encounter or surprise,
And, after long consideration.
Have found out one to fit th' occasion,

CANTO III,] HUDIBRAS; 263
Most apt for what I have to do;
As counseUor, and justice too.'
And truly so, no doubt, he was,
A lawyer fit for such a case.
An old dull sot, who told the clock.
For raany years, at BrideweU Dock,
At Westrainster, and Hicks's Hall,
And hiccius doctius played in all ;
Where, in all governraents and tiraes,
H' had been both friend and foe to crimes,
And used two equal ways of gaining.
By hindering justice, or maintaining :
To many a quean gave privilege.
And whipped, for want of quarterage ;
Cart-loads of thieves to prison sent.
For being behind a fortnight's rent ;
And many a trusty pirap and crony
To Puddle Dock, for want of raoney :
Engaged the constable to seize
All those that would not break the peace ;
Nor give hira back his own foul words.
Though sometiraes coraraoners, or lords,
And kept 'era prisoners of course.
For being sober at ill hours ;
That in the raorning he raight free
Or bind 'era over for his fee ;
Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays.
For leave to practise in their ways ;
Farmed out all cheats, and went a share
With th' headborough and scavenger ;
And made the dirt i' th' street compound.
For taking up the public ground ;
The kennel, and the king's highway.
For being unmolested, paly ;
Let out the stocks and whipping-post.
And cage, to those that gave him most ;
Imposed a tax on bakers' ears.
And for false weight on chandelers ;
Made victuallers and vintners fine
' For arbitrarj'- ale and wine ;
But was a kind and constant friend
' To all that regularly offend ;

2^4 HUDIBRAS. ' [part hi.
As residentiary bawds.
And brokers that receive stol'n goods ;
That cheat in lawful raysteries.
And pay church duties, and his fees ;
But was implacable and awkward.
To all that interloped and hawkered.
To this brave raan the knight repairs
For counsel in his law-affairs.
And found him mounted in his pew.
With books and money placed, for show.
Like nest-eggs to make clients lay.
And for his false opinion pay :
To whora the knight with coraely grace.
Put off his hat, to put his case ;
Which he as proudly entertained.
As th' other courteously strained ;
And, to assure him 'twas not that
He looked for, bid hira put on 's hat
Quoth he, ' There is one Sidrophel
Whora I have cudgelled ' — ' Very well ' —
' And now he brags t' have beaten me ' —
' Better, and better stiU,' quoth he —
' And vows to stick me to a wall.
Where'er he meets rae ' — ' Best of all ' —
' 'Tis true the knave has taken 's oath
That I robbed him ' — 'AA'eU done, in troth ' —
'AVhen h' has confessed he stole my cloak.
And picked ray fob, and what he took ;
Which was the cause that made rae bang hira.
And take ray goods again' — 'Marry, hang him' —
' Now, whether I should beforehand.
Swear he robbed me ?' — ' I understand ' —
' Or bring ray action of conversion
And trover for my goods ?' — ' Ah, whoreson !' —
' Or, if 'tis better to endite,
And bring him to his trial ? — ' Right ' —
' Prevent what he designs to do.
And swear for th' state against him?' — 'True' —
' Or whether he that is defendant,
In this case, has the better end on't ;
Who, putting in a new cross-bUl,
May traverse the action ?' — ' Better stiU.'

CANTO HI. J HUDIBRAS. 265
' Then there's a lady too.' — ' Ay, raarry ' —
' That's easily proved accessary ;
A widow, who by soleran vows.
Contracted to rae for my spouse.
Combined with him to break her word,
Aud has abetted aU ' — ' Good Lord !' —
' Suborned th' aforesaid Sidrophel
To tamper with the devil of hell.
Who put m' into a horrid fear.
Fear of my life ' — ' Make that appear ' —
' Made an assault with fiends and raen
Upon my body ' — ' Good again ' —
' And kept rae in a deadly fright.
And false iraprisonraent aU night.
Meanwhile they robbed rae, and ray horse.
And stole ray saddle' — ' AVorse and worse.'
' And made rae raount upon the bare ridge,
T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.'
' Sir,' quoth the lawyer, ' not to flatter ye.
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not sharae
The proudest raan alive to claira ;
For if th' have ufeed you as you say.
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy ;
I would it were ray case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you'U believe :
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd raade her kneel for better or worse;
For matriraony, and hanging here.
Both go by destiny so clear.
That you as sure raay pick and choose.
As cross I win, and pile you lose :
And if I durst, I would advance
As rauch in ready raaintenance,
As upon any case I've known ;
But we that practice dare not own :
The law severely contrabands
Our taking business off raen's hands ;
'Tis common barratry, that bears
Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears.
And crops them till there is not leathery
To stick a pen in left of either ;

266' HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
For which some do the summersault,
And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault :
But you raay swear at any rate.
Things not in nature, for the state ;
For in all courts of justice here
A witness is not said to swear.
But raake oath, that is, in plain terms,
To forge whatever he affirms.'
' I thank you,' quoth the knight, ' for that.
Because 'tis to my purpose pat,
For justice, though she's painted blind.
Is to the weaker side inclined,
Like charity ; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long.
And, like blind fortune, with a sleight.
Convey raen's interest, and right,
Frora Stiles's pocket into Nokes's,
As easily as hocus pocus ;
Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious ;
And clear again, like hiccius doctius.
Then whether you would take her life.
Or but recover her for your wife.
Or be content with what she has.
And let all other matters pass,
The business to the law's alone,
The proof is all it looks upon :
And you can want no witnesses.
To swear to anything you please,
That hardly get their mere expenses
By th' labour of their consciences.
Or letting out, to hire, their ears
To affidavit-customers,
At inconsiderable values.
To serve for jurymen or tales.
Although retained in th' hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.'
' For that,' quoth he, ' let rae alone ;
W' have store of such, and all our own.
Bred up and tutored by our teachers,
Th' ablest of conscience-stretchers.'
' That's well,' quoth he, ' but I should guess.
By weighing aU advantages.

CANTO III.] HUDIBRAS. 25y
Your surest way is first to pitch
On Bongey for a water-witch ;.
And when y' have hanged the conjurer,
Y' have tirae enough to deal with her.
In th' interira spare for no trepans
To draw her neck into the banns ;
Ply her with love-letters and billets.
Arid bait 'era well for quirks and quillets.
With trains t' inveigle, and surprise
Her heedless answers and replies ;
And if she miss the mouse-trap lines,
They'U serve for other by-designs ;
And make an artist understand,
To copy out her seal, or hand ;
Or find void places in the paper.
To steal in something to entrap her ;
TUl, with her worldly goods, and body.
Spite of her heart, she has endowed ye :
Retain all sorts of witnesses,
That ply i' th' Temple, under trees.
Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts.
About the cross-legged knights, their hosts ;
Or wait for customers between
The pillar-rows in Lincoln's Inn ;
Where vouchers, forgers, coraraon-bail,
And affidavit-raen ne'er fail
T' expose to sale all sorts of oaths,
According to their ears and clothes,
Their only necessary tools.
Besides the Gospel, and their souls ;
And when y' are furnished with all purveys,
I shall be ready at your service.'
' I would not give,' quoth .Hudibras,
' A straw to understand a case.
Without the admirable skill
To wind and manage it at will ;
To veer, and tack, and steer a cause,
Against the weather-gauge of laws ;
And ring the changes upon cases,
As plain as noses upon faces ;
As you have well instructed me,
For which y' have earned, — here 'tis, — your fee.

268 HUDIBRAS. [part hi.
I long to practise your advice, -
And try the subtle artifice ;
To bait a letter, as you bid' —
As, not long after, thus he did ;
For, having pumped up all his wit,
And hummed upon it, thus he writ

AN HEROICAL EPISTLE OF HUDIBRAS TO
HIS LADY.
I WHO was once as great as Caesar,
Ara now reduced to Nebuchadnezzar ;
And from as famed a conqueror.
As ever took degree in war.
Or did his exercise in battle.
By you turned out to grass with cattle :
For since I am denied access
To all my earthly happiness.
Am fallen from the paradise
Of your good graces, and fair eyes ;
Lost to the world, and you, I'ra sent
To everlasting banishraent.
Where all the hopes I had t' have won
Your heart, being dashed, will break my own.
Yet if you were not so severe
To pass your doora before you hear.
You'd find, upon ray just defence.
How rauch y' have wronged ray innocence.
That once I raade a vow to you.
Which yet is unperforraed, 'tis true ;
But not because it is unpaid
'Tis violated, though delayed :
Or if it were, it is no fault
So heinous, as you'd have it thought :
To undergo the loss of ears,
Like vulgar hackney perjurers ;
For there's a difference in the case.
Between the noble and the base ;
Who always are observed t' have done't
Upon as different an account ;
The one for great and weighty cause.
To salve in honour ugly flaws ;
For none are like to do it sooner
Than those who're nicest of their honour :
The other, for base gain and pay.
Forswear and perjure by the day,

2 70 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.
And make th' exposing and retailing
Their souls and consciences a calling.
It is no scandal, nor aspersion,
Upon a great and noble person,
To say, he naturally abhorred
Th' old-fashioned trick to keep his word.
Though 'tis perfidiousness and shame
In meaner raen, to do the same :
For to be able to forget.
Is found more useful to the great
Than gout, or deafness, or bad eyes
To make 'em pass for wondrous wise.
But though the law, on perjurers.
Inflicts the forfeiture of ears,
It is not just, that does exempt
The guUty, and punish the innocent ;
To make the ears repair the wrong
Comraitted by th' ungoverned tongue ;
And when one member is forswom,
Another to be cropped or tom.
And if you should, as you design,
By course of law, recover mine.
You're like, if you consider right,
To gain but little honour by't.
For he that for his lady's sake
Lays down his life, or lirabs at stake,
Does not so much deserve her favour.
As he that pawns his soul to have her.
This y' have acknowledged I have done,
Although you now disdain to own ;
But sentence what you rather ought
T' esteem good service than a fault.
Besides, oaths are not bound to bear
That literal sense the words infer,
But, by the practice of the age.
Are to be judged how far th' engage ;
And where the sense by custom 's checked.
Are found void, and of none effect ;
For no man takes or keeps a vow.
But just as he sees others do ;
Nor are they obliged to be so brittle.
As not to yield and bow a little :

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 271
For as best-tempered blades are found.
Before they break, to bend quite round ;
So truest oaths are still most tough.
And, though they bow, are breaking proof
Then wherefore should they not b' allowed
In love a greater latitude ?
For as the law of arms approves
All ways to conquest, so should love's ;
And not be tied to true or false,
But raake that justest that prevails :
For how can that which is above
All empire, high and mighty love,
Subrait its great prerogative.
To any other power alive ?
Shall love, that to no crown gives place,
Becorae the subject of a case?
The fundaraental law of nature
Be over-ruled by those made after ?
Comrait the censure of its cause
To any, but its own great laws ?
Love, that's the world's preservative.
That keeps all souls of things alive ;
Controls the mighty power of fate.
And gives mankind a longer date ;
The life of nature, that restores
As fast as tirae and death devours ;
To whose free-gift the world does owe
Not only earth, but heaven too :
For love's the only trade that's driven.
The interest of state in heaven.
Which nothing but the soul of man
Is capable to entertain.
For what can earth produce, but love,
To represent the joys above?
Or who but lovers can converse,
Like angels, by the eye-discourse ?
Address, and corapUraent by vision.
Make love, and court by intuition ?
And burn in araorous flames as fierce
As those celestial ministers ?
Then how can any thing offend,
In order to so great an end ?

272 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.
Or heaven itself a sin resent.
That for its own supply was meant?
That merits, in a kind raistake,
A pardon for th' offence's sake ?
Or if it did not, but the cause
Were left to th' injury of laws.
What tyranny can disapprove
There should be equity in love ?
For laws, that are inaniraate.
And feel no sense of love or hate,
That have no passion of their own.
Nor pity to be wrought upon.
Are only proper to inflict
Revenge on crirainals as strict :
But to have power to forgive.
Is erapire and prerogative ;
And 'tis in crowns a nobler gera
To grant a pardon, than conderan.
Then, since so few do what they ought,
'Tis great t' indulge a well-raeant fault ;
For why should he who made address.
All humble ways, without success.
And met with nothing in return
But insolence, affronts and scorn.
Not strive by wit to counterraine.
And bravely carry his design ?
He who was used so unlike a soldier.
Blown up with philtres of love-powder ;
And after letting blood, and purging,
Conderaned to voluntary scourging ;
Alarraed with raany a horrid fright.
And clawed by gobUns in the night ;
Insulted on, reviled and jeered.
With rude invasion of his beard ;
And when our sex was foully scandalled,
As foully by the rabble handled ;
Attacked by despicable foes.
And drubbed with mean and vulgar blows ;
And, after all, to be debarred
So rauch as standing on his guard ;
AVhen horses, being spurred and pricked.
Have leave to kick for being kicked ?

HUDIBRAS TO HiS LADY.- 273
Or why should you, whose mother-wits
Are furnished with all perquisites ;
That with your breeding teeth begin.
And nursing babies that lie in,
B' aUowed to put all tricks upon
Our cuUy sex, and we use none ?
We, who have nothing but fraU vows
Against your stratagems t' oppose ;
Or oaths, more feeble than your own.
By which we are no less put down ?
You wound, like Parthians, while you fly,
And kill with a retreating eye ;
Retire the more, the more we press.
To draw us into ambushes :
As pirates all false colours wear,
T' intrap th' unwary raariner ;
So woraen, to surprise us, spread
The borrowed flags of white and red ;
Display 'era thicker on their cheeks,
Than their old grandmothers, the Picts ;
And raise more devUs with their looks.
Than conjurers' less subtle books :
Lay trains of amorous intrigues.
In towers, and curls, and periwigs,
AVith greater art and cunning reared.
Than Philip Nye's thanksgiving beard ;
Prepost'rously t' entice and gain
Those to adore 'era they disdain ;
And only draw 'em into clog.
With idle naraes, a catalogue.
A lover is, the raore he's brave,
T' his raistress but the raore a slave ;
And whatsoever she coramands,
Becoraes a favour frora her hands.
Which he's obliged t' obey, and raust,
AVhether it be unjust or just.
Then when he is corapelled by her
T' adventures he would else forbear,
AVho, with his honour, can withstand.
Since force is greater than coraraand?
And when necessity's obeyed,
Nothing can be unjust or bad :

2 74 HUDIBRAS TO HiS LADY.
And therefore, when the mighty powers
Of love, our great ally, and yours.
Joined forces not to be withstood
By fraU enamoured flesh and blood.
All I have done, unjust or iU,
Was in obedience to your will,
And all the blame that can be due
Falls to your cruelty, and you.
Nor are those scandals I confessed.
Against my wiU and uiterest.
More than is daily done, of course.
By all men, when they're under force :
Whence some, upon the rack, confess
What th' hangraan and their prorapters please ;
But are no sooner out of pain.
Than they deny it all again.
But when the devil turns confessor,
Truth is a crirae he takes no pleasure
To hear or pardon, Uke the founder
Of liars, whora they all claim under :
And therefore when I told hira none,
I think it was the wiser done.
Nor ara I without precedent.
The first that on th' adventure went ;
All raankind ever did of course.
And daily does the sarae, or worse.
For what roraance can show a lover.
That had a lady to recover.
And did not steer a nearer course.
To fall aboard in his amours ?
And what at first was held a crime.
Has turned to honourable in time.
For woraen first were made for men.
Not men for them. — It follows, then.
That men have right to every one.
And they no freedom of their own ;
And therefore men have power to choose,
But they no charter to refuse.
Hence 'tis apparent that what course
Soe'er we take to your amours,
Though by the indirectest way,
'Tis no injustice or foul play ;

HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY. 275
V
And that you ought to take that course.
As we take 'you, for better or worse.
And gratefully subrait to those
Who you, before another, chose.
For why should every savage beast
Exceed his great lord's interest ?
Have freer power than he, in grace
And nature, o'er the creature has ?
Because the laws he since has raade
Have cut off all the power he had ;
Retrenched the absolute dorainion
That nature gave hira over women ;
When all his power will not extend
One law of nature to suspend ;
And but to offer to repeal
The smallest clause, is to repel.
This, if men rightly ijnderstood
Their privilege, they -would raake good.
And not, like sots, perrait their wives
T' encroach on their prerogatives.
For which sin they deserve to be
Kept, as they are, in slavery.
Forgive rae. Fair, and only blarae
Th' extravagancy of ray flarae.
Since 'tis too rauch at once to show
Excess of love and teraper too ;
All I have said that's bad and true.
Was never meant to aim at you.
Who have so sovereign a control
O'er that poor slave of yours, my soul.
That, rather than to forfeit you.
Has ventured loss of heaven too ;
Both with an equal power possessed.
To render all that serve you blessed ;
But none like hira, who's destined either
To have or lose you both together ;
And if you'll but this fault release.
For so' it raust be, since you please,
I'll pay down all that vow, and raore.
Which you coramanded, and I swore.
And expiate, upon ray skin,
Th' arrears in full of all ray sin .

2 76 HUDIBRAS TO HIS LADY.
For 'tis but just that I should pay
Th' accruing penance for delay.
Which shall be done, untU it move
Your equal pity and your love.
The knight, perusing this epistle.
Believed h' had brought her to his whistie.
And read it, like a jocund lover,
With great applause, t' himself, twice over ;
Subscribed his narae, but at a fit
And hurable distance, to his wit ;
And dated it with wondrous art,
' Given frora the bottom of his heart ; '
Then sealed it with his coat of love,
A smoking faggot — and above.
Upon a scroll — ' I bum, and weep ' —
And near it — ' for her Ladyship,
Of all her sex raost excellent.
These to her gentle hands present.'
Then gave it to his faithful squire.
With lessons how t' observe, and eye her.
She first considered which was better,
' To send it back, or burn the letter :
But guessing that it raight import.
Though nothing else, at least her sport.
She opened it, and read it out
With many a smile and leering flout ;
Resolved to answer it in kind ;
And thus performed what she designed.

J

THE LADY'S ANSWER TO THE KNIGHT.
That you're a beast, and turned to grass.
Is no strange news, nor ever was.
At least to rae, who once, you know.
Did frora the pound replevin you.
When both your sword and spurs were won
In corabat, by an Araazon ;
That sword that did, like fate, determine
Th' inevitable death of vermin,
And never dealt its furious blows,
But cut the throats of pigs and cows.
By Trulla was, in single fight.
Disarmed and wrested from its knight.
Your heels degraded of your spurs.
And in the stocks close prisoners ;
Where still they'd lain, in base restraint.
If I, in pity of your coraplaint.
Had not, on honourable conditions.
Released 'era from the worst of prisons ;
And what return that favour raet,
You cannot, though you would, forget ;
When being free, you strove t' evade
The oaths you had in prison made ;
Forswore yourself, and first denied it.
But after owned, and justified it;
And when y' had falsely broke one vow.
Absolved yourself, by breaking two.
For while you sneakingly submit.
And beg for pardon at our feet ;
Discouraged by your guilty fears.
To hope for quarter, for your ears ;
And doubting 'twas in vain to sue.
You claim us boldly as your due.
Declare that treachery and force,
To deal with us, is th' only course ;
We have no title nor pretence
To body, soul, or conscience,

278 THE LADY'S ANSWER.
But ought to fall to that man's share
That clairas us for his proper ware :
These are the raotives which, t' induce.
Or fright us into love, you use ;
A pretty new way of gallanting.
Between soliciting and ranting ;
Like sturdy beggars, that intreat
For charity at once, and threat
But since you undertake to prove
Your own propriety in love.
As if we were but lawful prize
In war, between two eneraies.
Or forfeitures which every lover.
That would but sue for, raight recover.
It is not hard to understand
The raystery of this bold deraand,
That cannot at our persons aira.
But soraething capable of claira.
'Tis not those paltry counterfeit
French stones, which in our eyes you set.
But our right diaraonds, that inspire
And set your araorous hearts on fire ;
Nor can those false St. Martin's beads
Which on our lips you lay for reds.
And make us wear like Indian dames.
Add fuel to your scorching flames.
But those true rubies of the rock,
Which in our cabinets we lock.
'Tis not those orient pearls, our teeth.
That you are so transported with.
But those we wear about our necks
Produce those amorous effects.
Nor is't those threads of gold, our hair,
The periwigs you make us wear ;
. But those bright guineas in our chests,
' That light the wildfire in your breasts.
These love-tricks I've been versed in so.
That all their sly intrigues I know.
And can unriddle, by tiieir tones.
Their mystic cabals, and jargones ;
Can tell what passions, by their sounds.
Pine for the beauties of my grounds ;

THE LADV^S ANSWER. ' 279
What raptures fond and amorous,
O' th' charms and graces of my house ;
.What ecstasy and scorching flarae.
Burns for my money in my narae ;
What frora th' unnatural desire
To beasts and cattle, takes its fire ;
AVhat tender sigh, and trickling tear.
Longs for a thousand pounds a-year ;
And languishing transports are fond
Of statute, raortgage, bill, and bond.
These are th' attracts which most men fall
Enamoured, at first sight, withal;
To these th' address with serenades.
And court with balls and masquerades ;
And yet, for all the yearning pain
Ye've suffered for their loves in vain,
I fear they'll prove so nice and coy.
To have, and t' hold, and to enjoy.
That all your oaths and labour lost.
They'll ne'er turn ladies of the post.
This is not raeant to disapprove
Your judgment, in your choice of love,
Which is so -wise, the greatest part
Of mankind study 't as an art ;
For love should, like a deodand.
Still fall to th' owner of the land ;
And where there's substance for its ground,'
Cannot but be more firra and sound
Than that which has the slighter basis
Of airy virtue, wit, and graces ;
Which is of such thin subtlety.
It steals and creeps in at the eye.
And, as it can't endure to stay.
Steals out again as nice a way.
But love, that its extraction owns
Frora solid gold and precious stones.
Must, like its shining parents, prove
As solid, and as glorious love.
Hence 'tis you have no way t' express
Our charms and graces but by these ;
For what are lips, and eyes, and teeth,
AVhich beauty invades and conquers with.

aSo THE LADY'S ANSWER.
But rubies, pearls, and diamonds.
With which a phUtre-love coraraands ?
This is the way all parents prove.
In raanaging their chUdren's love ;
That force 'em t' intermarry and wed.
As if th' were burying of the dead ;
Cast earth to earth, as in the grave.
To join in wedlock all they have,
And, when the settlement's in force.
Take all the rest for better or worse ;
For money has a power.above
The stars, and fate, to manage love,
AVhose arrov/s, learned poets hold,
That never miss, are tipped with gold.
And though sorae say, the parents' claims
To make love in their children's naraes, —
AVho, many times, at once provide
The nurse, the husband, and the bride,
Feel darts and charms, attracts and flaraes.
And woo, and contract, in their naraes.
And, as they christen, use to raarry 'era.
And, Uke their gossips, answer for 'era ; —
Is not to give in raatriraony,
But sell and prostitute for raoney ; ,
'Tis better than their own betrothing,
AVho often do 't for worse than nothing.
And when they're at their own dispose,
AVith greater disadvantage choose.
All this is right ; but, for the course
You take to do 't, by fraud or force,
'Tis so ridiculous, as soon
As told, 'tis never to be done.
No raore than setters can betra)'.
That tell what tricks they are to play.
ISIarriage, at best, is but a vow,
AVhich all raen either break, or bow ;
Then what will those forbear to do,~
AVho perjure when they do but woo ?
Such as beforehand swear and lie,
For earnest to their treachery.
And, rather than a crirae confess,
AVith greater strive lo make it less ;

THE LADY'S ANSWER. . 281
Like thieves, who, after sentence past.
Maintain their innocence to the last ;
And when their crimes were raade appear.
As plain as witnesses can swear,
Yet when the wretches come to die.
Will take upon their death a lie.
Nor are the virtues you confessed,
T' your ghostly father as you guessed.
So slight as to be justified.
By being as shamefully denied ;
As if you thought your word would pass,
Point-blank on both sides of a case ;
Or credit were not to be lost
B' a brave knight-errant of the post.
That eats perfidiously his word.
And swears his ears through a two-inch board ;
Can own the same thing, and disown,
And perjure booty /w and con ;
Can make the Gospel serve his turn.
And help hira. out to be forsworn ;
When 'tis laid hands upon, and kissed.
To be betrayed and sold, like Christ.
These are the virtues in whose narae
A right to all the world you claira.
And boldly challenge a dorainion.
In grace and nature, o'er all women ;
Of whom no less wUl satisfy.
Than all the sex, your tyranny :
Although you'll find it a hard province.
With all your crafty frauds and covins.
To govern such a numerous crew.
Who, one by one, now govern you ;
For if you all were Solomons,
And wise and great as he was once,
You'U find they're able to subdue,
As they did hira, and baffle you.
And if you are iraposed upon,
'Tis by your own temptation done ;
That with your ignorance invite,
And teach us how to use the sleight.
For when we find y' are stiU raore taken
With false attracts of our own raaking.

282 THE LADY'S ANSWER.
Swear that's a rose, and that's a stone,
Like sots, to us that laid it on.
And what we did but slightly prime,
Most ignorantly daub in rhyme ;
You force us, in our own defences,
To copy beams and influences ;
To lay perfections on the graces.
And draw attracts upon our faces ;
And, in compliance to your wit.
Your own false jewels counterfeit :
For, by the practice of those arts
We gain a greater share of hearts ;
And those deserve in reason most.
That greatest pains and study cost :
For great perfections are, like heaven.
Too rich a present to be given :
Nor are those master-strokes of beauty
To be performed without hard duty.
Which, when they're nobly done, and well.
The simple natural excel.
How fair and sweet the planted rose,
Beyond the wdld in hedges grows !
For, without art, the noblest seeds
Of flowers degenerate into weeds :
How dull and ragged, ere 'tis ground
And polished, looks a diaraond !
Though Paradise were e'er so fair.
It was not kept so without care.
The whole world, without art and dress.
Would be but one great wilderness ;
And raankind but a savage herd,
For all that nature has conferred :
This does but rough-hew and design.
Leaves art to polish and refine.
Though wforaen first were raade for men.
Yet raen were made for thera again :
For when, outwitted by his wife,
Man first turned tenant but for life,
If woraan had not intervened.
How soon had raankind had an end !
And that it is in being yet.
To us alone you are in debt.

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 283
And Where's your liberty of choice,
And' our unnatural no-voice ?
Since aU the privUege you boast,
Falsely usurped, or vamly lost,
Is now our riglit; to whose creation
You owe; your b^ppy restoration.
And if we had ndt weighty cause
To not appear in making laws.
We could, in spite of all your tricks.
And shallow formal politics.
Force you our managements t' obey.
As we to yours, in show, give way.
Hence 'tis, that while you vainly strive
T' advance your high prerogative.
You basely, after all your braves.
Submit and own yourselves our sfavesT-
And 'cause we do not make it kribwn,
Nor publicly our interests own,
Like sots, suppose we have no shares
In ordering you, and your affairs, '
WUeii all your' erapire, and coraraandv ",'
You have frora us, at second hariH';', ¦ '',',
As if a pUot, that appears ' -j'J
To sit still only, whUe he steers, '"''¦'''¦-
And does not make a noise and stir,
Like every coraraon mariner.
Knew nothing of the card, nor star,
And did not guide the man-of-war :
Nor we, because we don't appear
In councils, do not govern there ;
While, like the mighty Prester John,
Whose person none dares look upon.
But is preserved in close disguise.
From being made cheap to vulgar eyes,
W' enjoy as large a power j unseen,
To govern hira, as he does'tnen'j'
And, in the right of our Pope Joan,
M[ake eraperoirs at our feet fall down ;
Or Joan de Pucelle's braver name, '
Our right to arms and' conduct claim;
Who, though a spinster, yet was able
To serve Fraiice for a Grand Constable,

284 THE LADY'S ANSWER.
AVe make and execute all laws ;
Can judge the judges, and the cause ;
Prescribe aU rules of right or wrong.
To th' long robe, and the longer tongue,
'Gainst which the world has no defence.
But our raore powerful eloquence.
AVe raanage things of greatest weight
In all the world's affairs of state ;
Are rainisters of war and peace.
That sway all nations how we please.
AVe rule all churches, and their flocks.
Heretical and orthodox.
And are the heavenly vehicles
O' th' spirits in all conventicles :
By us is all coraraerce and trade
Improved, and managed, and decayed ;
For nothing can go off so well.
Nor bears that price, as what we seU.
We rale in every public meeting,
And make men do what we judge fitting;
Are magistrates in all great towns,
AVhere men do nothing but wear gowns.
We make the man-of-war strike sail.
And to our braver conduct vaU.
And, when h' has chased his enemies,
Submit to us upon his knees.
Is there an officer of state,
Untiraely raised, or magistrate.
That's haughty and imperious ?
He's but a journeyman to us.
That, as he gives us cause to do't.
Can keep him in, or turn him out
We are your guardians, that increase,
Or waste your fortunes how we please.
And, as you humour us, can deal
In aU your matters, ill or well.
'Tis we that can dispose alone.
Whether your heirs shall be your own ;
To whose integrity you must.
In spite of aU your caution, trust.
Nor can the rigorousest course
Prevail, unless to make us worse ;

THE LADY'S ANSWER. 285
Who StUl, the .harsher we are used.
Are further off from being reduced ;
And scorn t' abate, for any Uls,
The least punctiUos of our wiUs.
Force does but whet out wits t' apply
Arts, born with us, for remedy.
Which all your poUtics, as yet.
Have ne'er been able to defeat :
For, when y' have tried all sorts of ways,
AVhat fools do we raake of you in plays ?
While all the favours we afford.
Are but to girt you with the sword.
To fight our battles in our steads.
And have your brains beat out o' your heads ;
Encounter, in despite of nature.
And fight, at once, with fire and water.
With pirates, rocks, and storras, and seas.
Our pride and vanity t' appease ;
Kill one another, and cut throats.
For our good graces, and best thoughts ;
To do your exercise for honour.
And have your brains beat out the sooner ;
Or cracked, as learnedly, upon
Things that are never to be known ;
And still appear the raore industrious.
The raore your projects are preposterous ;
To square the circle of the arts.
And run stark mad to show your parts ;
Expound the oracle of laws.
And turn thera which way we see cause ;
Be our solicitors and agents.
And stand for us in aU engageraents.
And these are all the mighty powers
You vainly boast to cry down ours ;
And what in real value's wanting.
Supply with vapouring and ranting :
Because yourselves are terrified.
And stoop to one another's pride ;
Believe we have as Uttle wit
To be out-hectored, and submit :
By your example, lose that right
In treaties, which we gained in fight ;

286 THE LADY'S ANSWER.
And terrified into an awe,
Pass on ourselves a salique law ;
Or, as sorae nations use, give place.
And trackle to your raighty race ;
Let raen usurp th' unjust dorainion.
As if thev were the better v/oraen.

THE END.

l-KLMliD uv I!.\l,I„\x.rvxE, H\.N.SON A.M) LO
LO.NDON A.ND liDlMlUKGU

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