PETER PETROFF

ANTE-MORTEIVI

DBPOSITIONS

-OF-

p. PKTROKK

VETERAN OF THE WAR FOR THE UNION

San Francisco
PRESS OF THOS. J. DAVIS
523 Market Street
1895

INTRODUCTION
Mr. Peter Petroff died in Oakland, June 1, 1894, aged 68
years. He was a member of the Garfield Post, Grand Army.
Fitting funeral services were held at their hall in this city,
and the burial was on June 5th, in the Soldiers' Cemetery at
the Presidio. The testimony of his commanding officer in the
war was, "His character was excellent." "None was more faith
ful, trustworthy and brave on the field of battle." A gentle
man in New Haven, in whose employ he was about ten years
immediately after the war, said: "Mr. Petroff I believe to be
one of nature's born gentlemen, of unexcelled faithfulness and
integrity in every respect." And such was his character in
this city and up to the time of his death. His bearing was
military ; he was a great reader ; he thought much upon the so
cial questions of the day, and wrote and published some very
good articles. He lived quietly on his pension for years. His
left arm was amputated near the shoulder, and his health was
not good. With means placed at my disposal, and ac
cording to promise, I publish his manuscript, left to my
care, and only to be read after his death. His imperfect Eng
lish is given nearly as he wrote it. He particularly requested
this, possibly fearing to cause his friend trouble, and that by
the changes made the sense would be obscured. Whatever the
faults of the grammatical construction, the meaning is in almost
every place quite plain. Each reader must judge for himself
as to the weight he will give to the "visions" of our brother.
Whatever he saw or thought he saw, he was a noble Christian
man, a soldier of the cross. He has been mustered out from
the Grand Army here, and has gone to join the infinitely more
glorious army above, of whom the Lord Jesus Christ is Cap
tain. J. K.
San Francisco, December, 1894.

PRKKACE

I deem it to be expedient and necessary to say at the start,
as preface, that these writings are, in no ways, intended to
serve as an autobiography of my life; but are done solely for
the transmission to the world of the after-described Visions I
have had ; and with exclusive desire and hope that my fellow-
men who will have the opportunity to read these Ante-mortem
DepoKitifms may profit by them, and be strengthened ' in belief
in the Word of God — the Sacred Scriptures — as also in the
faith of our Saviour Jesus Christ, and be thereby moved to
render due obedience to his teachings and commandments as
they are ingrafted and handed over to us in the four Gospels
and the Acts of the Apostles.
As these ante-mortem depositions will be read only then,
when I have passed away from among the living beings on this
earth, so they — the Depositions — may be reasonably and prop
erly considered as a voice from the other, that is the spiritual,
world. Now, is there any person among the professed believers in
God and the Bible that could assert any doubt in the truthful
ness of the after-described Vinions, or consider them as fic
tions or imaginations of some diseased mental faculties, seeing
that they come, as it were, from out the grave ? God be merci
ful to such a being I I cannot help him ; but his doubt or un
belief will surely be injurious to him. And his folly he will
perceive only then, when it will be too late for him to mend it
or repair. As regards the writer of this, he can only, and does,
solemnly assure every one on earth that he saw the V-ikions, as
they are described in the Depositions, in full mental power, in

vi PREFACE
full daylight, and in full rational consciousness, as he was fully
aware about all surroundings and circumstances which were at
that time under the sweep of his natural eye. And the visions
themselves, as also the other objects — to that time under his
eye — are all perfectly preserved in his memory till the very
present day, although over twenty-two years passed since he
saw the first and most sublime of them. And he sees them,
the visions, mentally clear till the present day, and remembers
all the surroundings and attendant circumstances as clearly
and vividly now as if he saw them a few days or a month ago;
although but a very few circumstances of his life not connected
with the visions are remaining in his memory, even so far that
he can but very little remember of the various circumstances
of his life. But the Visions and all the circumstances of the
respective times when he beheld the visions are all vividly be
fore his mental eye till now.
It is natural to expect that, with many a thinking reader,
the question will be raised, Why these Visions, obviously so
sublime and significant, were not given to the world by the
writer of this during his life on earth, and not, as he has done,
after his passing away from the earth ? The answer and full
explanation of the various reasons to that, the reader will find
in the proper places of the "Depositions" themselves. And,
as it was said before, the "Depositions" are not to constitute an
autobiography of the writer of them; so I shall confine myself
to the limits of mentioning only such events as are necessary
to the better explanation of the Visions, as also describing
more fully the events connected with the Visions themselves.
This I deem to be sufficient as a preliminary introduction.
Therefore, with the help of our Lord and Saviour, I will pro
ceed with the "Depositions" themselves, saying, "Thv will be
done. Our Lord God and Saviour Jesus Christ. In the name
of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."
PETER PETROFF.

Depositions

CHAPTER I
I was born on the 14th of February, 1826; brought up
and educated in St. Petersburg, Russia. Hence, at the present,
the time of writing these Depositions (1886), I am in the sixty-
first year of my age.
This particular, by the way, may serve to convince any
doubtful reader in the truthfulness of these "Depositions" ; as,
at this advanced age of life, it is presumable that any rational
man ought to know better than to write a fiction, and ascribe
to it the solemn truth of being "Ante-mortem Depositions."
In 1862, traveling through Europe, and, being in England,
I accidentally became acquainted with a young officer (first
lieutenant^ of the Austrian army by the name of Puffer, who re
signed his commission in the Austrian service, with the purpose
of going to America with intention to join the Northern army
in the war for the preservation of the Union of States against
the Southern Confederacy of dissolution. And for this pur
pose he had provided himself with several letters of introduc
tion and recommendation, written by some eminent men of his
country to several generals of German nationality, who already
became distinguished in the Northern army of America, as
Generals Siegel, Warner, Heintzelman, Schurz, etc. Showing
these to me, he pressed upon my mind most earnestly to ac
company him to America, promising to use the letters in pro
moting my interests as well as his own. On my remark that

GOES TO NEW YORK

in the United States the national language is English — but I
never studied that language, and do not know it at all — he
answered that precisely the same case is with him. And that
was true, as we always helped ourselves through by means of
either the German or the French languages. But we were as
sured both by word and in some measure by the newspaper
press, that in the Northern army of the United States there were
military organizations composed entirely of Germans, with
some mixtures of French and Irish; and these German troop-
bodies (even full regiments) were ofiicered with German ofl&cers,
and had the commands, and everything else, in the German lan
guage. Thus it would be a comparatively easy task for us to
establish ourselves properly.
Being entirely independent, and free to choose my ways and
actions, I consented to go with him to America, and told him
right off that I go solely for the pu^ttse of entering the North
ern army ; and, as he was provided with so many recommenda
tions, I expect him to be of some help to me, which he readily
promised. So, taking passage on the steamer GUy of Baltimore,
we embarked from Liverpool for New York.
After several days of our tour across the Atlantic (which,
in all, lasted nearly ten days), my companion (Puffer) informed
me that he made acquaintance with a person on board the
steamer who is an agent of the Southern Confederate Govern
ment, by which government he was sent to Europe for finding
volunteers for the Southern army, and who was now returning
from Europe. Further, he informed me that this agent, hav
ing learned from my companion that we — Puffer and I — were
going to America with the positive intention to join the North
ern army, was trying hard to divert him from this, assuring
him that the Northern States will surely be beaten, and the
Southern Confederacy established, advising him better to join
the Southern army. Further on he asked my companion to
consult with me about that; and if we both consent to go into

IN NEW YORK \)
the Southern army, he invites us to accompany him to his
home in Philadelphia, Penn., from whence he was; and that, as
soon as we have signed the requisite papers we will receive a
bounty of $500 each of us; maybe still more, but he can guaran
tee only $500 to each of us ; in this we can be sure.
Learning all these, and many more particulars about that
case from Puffer, I told him at once, and with positive under
standing, that he is at full liberty to go where he pleases, and
do what he thinks to be the best for him; that is, to join the
Northern or the Southern army; but, what regards my own
self, I never will go into the Southern army, even if I would
be offered yioe thousand instead of fioe hundred dollars lor that;
moreover, as he perfectly knows- himself that I started from
England for America with the sole purpose of joining the
Northern army, as the cause of the North side is the just and
right one, and that of the South side is wrong and unjust, I
never and never would start from Europe with an aim to join
the Southern Army. Therefore, I ask him to inform that agent
about my opinions and positive intentions; and, as to his own
self, to act as he finds it better for him. To which Puffer an
swered that his opinions, nearly in everything, coincide with
mine views, and he has partly expressed them to that man al
ready; but now, knowing mine positive opinions and resolution,
he will tell him everything straight out, and will decline all
his offered gifts and assistances. He afterwards pointed to me
the agent, but I never made any acquaintance, nor , spoke one
word to him.
So, arriving in New York, we rented rooms in a hotel on
Greenwich street (do not remember the name of the hotel).
One morning, about three or four days after our arrival, I be
ing not quite well, Puffer went out alone to ascertain, if possible,
where about he could find some of the persons to whom he had
the letters of recommendation, and did not come back, and
since which morning I never saw him again. But, on the

10 IN NEW YORK
morning of the third day (as far as I can remember) after his
disappearance, a police officer brought into the hotel a note,
written in German upon a small bit of paper, addressed to me
and signed, as well as written, by Puffer, in which Puffer noti
fied me that, after leaving hotel, he went around inquiring for
information about those generals to whom he had letters, and,
naturally, did so mostly with military oflScers who were on
recruiting service in New York city.
Thus he chanced to fall in with some officers who knew
either German or French languages (some of them being from
Europe) ; and they informed him that all the generals to whom
he held letters of recommendation are either in the field with
the active army, or in the city of Washington, and none of
them can be found in New York. And, therefore, they advised
him to enlist right off, and go to the field without delay or loss
of time. So, upon their advice, he enlisted right away, and
has been transported several miles out of New York city limits,
where that regiment is being formed.
After describing the above circumstances, he earnestly
urged me to come out to see him, as he ever so much desired to
see me, but is not permitted to leave the camp, where they are
kept more like military prisoners than free volunteer soldiers,
because too many who are permitted to leave the camp do not
return at all. Therefore, as we came together to America with
the intention to serve together, he earnestly entreats me to
come out into the camp to see him, and he is pretty sure that
once being there I will enlist also, and then we will be together.
The same day I went out to look for that camp, and was, by
some German, directed to take a certain horse-car and go so-
and-so far, then take another car, and finally a third one; after
which car has stopped for return trip to get out of it and in
quire for the camp of that regiment (the names neither of the
place nor the regiment can I remember), which I did; but, as I
could not speak English, and outside the city it was far harder

IN KEW YORK 11
to find a person who understood any other language besides
English; so, notwithstanding my all-day wanderings, I could
not find the camp, and had to return to New York without
having seen Puffer, and never have met him anywhere after
wards ; as also do not know at all if he is alive or not at the
present time.
I deem it proper to say here that I went into this exten
sive description of particulars for two causes:
1. Because they bear more or less upon the circumstances
which attended the principal vision ; and —
2. If Puffer is yet in this world, and he will have the op
portunity to read these "Depositions," he surely will remember
much of that which I have here described, and will testify the
truthfulness of the above statements in memory of his old
friend, "Dear Russia," as he so many times caUedthe writer of
this; certainly as far as he was concerned, being a part in the
different events till we had separated after his departure from
the hotel. A few days later I fell in with mine nephew (son of mine
sister), who came to America some months before me from
Zurich, Switzerland, where he was educated in the School of
Polytechnics, but born in St. Petersburg, Russia. As a young
man, speaking several languages, and especially knowing some
of the English language, he had formed already many acquaint
ances among young people in New York, and was desirous, too,
with some other young men, to join the Union army, which
circumstance was very agreeable to me, as I did not know the
English language at all.
Shortly after this we fell into the hands of another age^t
who was from Connecticut, and gathered in New York city re
cruits for the State of Connecticut. He spoke several lan
guages, and was very useful to us. This agent informed us
that in New Haven, Conn., there are many companies, if not
full regiments, composed mostly of Germans, and commanded

12 CORPORAL
by officers of German nationality ; hence, induced us to go with
him to New Haven, Conn., where he will find for us the most
suitable regiment. So I and mine nephew, and several others
(nine men in all), came with this agent to New Haven, Conn.,
where shortly after we enlisted, but not under assistance of
that agent, as he left us the next day after our arrival. And,
after signing some papers, the contents of which we never knew,
I, with mine nephew, were dispatched to Fort Trumbull, New
London, Conn,, and the others had to go somewhere else.
In .Fort Trumbull was the headquarters of the 14th United
States Infantry (regulars), and also a place for gathering re
cruits for that volunteer regiment into which we have enlisted.
So, after passing one month in the Port in drilling and guard-
duty, I applied for a three days' furlough to go to New Haven
for making settlements, if there were any debts against me.
And in the night of the third day, having come back to the
Fort, and reporting myself in the guard-house for returning
the furlough, I was laughed at and congratulated as a corporal.
Not knowing anything more about it, I presumed it to be
a joke or a sneer. But the next morning our orderly sergeant
(a Prussian who many years served in Prussia and also in
French service, and who spoke German and French tolerably
well) came to and informed me that the Post-Commander,
Major Williams, who did give me the furlough, told him after
my departure on furlough that he does not expect to see me in
the Fort again ; but if I should return he will promote me to a
corporal. So that morning, having reported to him my return,
he received the order to place my name upon the list of cor
porals in his book of report; therefore, I must let the post
tailor put the proper chevrons on my uniform.
Being entirely ignorant in the English language — as I
could not speak even five words in English, and even could not
understand much more if told by another — I remonstrated
with the sergeant most earnestly, telling him that I cannot ac-

TRANSFERRED 13
cept this promotion, as the duty of a corporal is, among others,
to place the sentinels on their proper posts, and thereby, and
at that time, to give them all the orders which they have to
perform and carry out on their posts of duty ; as also, at the
time of changing the sentinels, to listen and mark closely that
the relieved sentry should turn over all the orders to the in
coming one — all of which I was utterly incapable to perform
because I do not understand the necessary language, which is al
most equivalent co being deaf and dumb. But the sergeant
insisted, saying that the refusal to accept the promotion would
be insulting to Major "Williams, who said that he cannot suffer
to see Petroff standing as a sentinel on guard; and, therefore, I
accepted it, and became a corporal.
Now it was exceedingly hard for me to perform my duties
without being able to understand what any man standing
above me in rank would have told me to do; so, having become
a non-commissioned ofiBcer — a corporal — it fell upon me still
harder to perform my duties, as I had to receive orders
from my superiors, or those in temporary authority over me, and
transmit the orders correctly to those under me as privates and
sentinels on guard-duty — all of which I was utterly unable
properly to perform. And, in consequence of which, instead of
escaping the constant abuse and insult from ill-disposed com
rades, I became merely a laughing-stock for all such who chose
to have some fun at my expense; and only God knows how
many there were for this purpose. And it did not stop here,
but went further; from joking, sneering and laughing at me,
many went so far as to do personal injury to me by insulting
and plaguing me in every possible way, as I was entirely un
able, on account of my ignorance of English, to defend myself.
In December, 1862, in consequence of a proposal and de
sire of Major Williams, I was transferred from that volunteer
regiment, into which I was enlisted, into the 14th United States
Infantry (regular), to which Major Williams belonged, and the

14 TO THE FRONT
headquarters of which were in Fort Trumbull; presuming
that, as in regular service there is more of proper order and
military discipline, I would escape from the constant and fre
quently almost unbearable annoyance, plague and insult to
which I was exposed among the volunteers. But in this ex
pectation I was sorely disappointed, though in regular service
I found more strict military discipline and more proper order;
but these very conditions made my ignorance of English
harder to bear on me. And the annoyances did not cease, but
rather were augmented from the side of the volunteers, which
regiment 1 left by transfer. And it went so far that not in
frequently I was informed by some one or another that I was
calumniated, and falsely accused or misrepresented before Major
Williams and other ofl&cers ; but, as I ever abhorred and de
spised the feeling or practice of revenge or retaliation, and, at
the same time, was utterly unable to defend myself with the
tongue, I was obliged to bear all that in silence, which was
sometimes but too hard to endure. So I concluded at the first
opportunity, when the next party of recruits are sent into the
field, to express my wish to go to the front for further service.
This opportunity presented itself very soon, and I was sent,
with many others, to the field, and joined my regiment in the
Army of the Potomac, which was in camp on the river Rap
pahannock in "Virginia.
Iri the very first days, after coming to our Regiment, I
became fully aware that the hardships from my ignorance of
the English language were but really in the beginning, as to
my experience at the Fort Trumbull. Although I was assign
ed to a Company which contained many Germans, and was
commanded by Captain Ilges, a German from Prussia (a very
kind man and a splendid soldier, who served during the whole
time of the war in the field, participated in more than eighty
battles and engagements, and was afterwards promoted to Col
onelcy in the Regular Army) ; but, at every turn and at every

TO THE FRONT 15
step and action I needed the language that I did not possess.
And this fact caused me to feel but too keenly and deeply the
misery of my almost helpless condition.
Kno'wing but too well how severe and inexorable the mili
tary laws are, even in time of peace, but incomparably more so
in time of war — and especially in the field before the enemy —
my ignorance of English stood constantly like a specter before
my mental eyes, causing me to feel like being constantly in hot
water through fear of possible falling into a serious blunder or
mistake through misunderstanding of orders given to me in
English. And, till the very present day, it is to me like a
great miracle that the time passed on, and I was, at least com
paratively, able to perform all my duties — as good as I could
and understood — in spite of such horrible drawbacks as I had
on account of English language. And I cannot but openly
confess and acknowledge that it is only the Blessed Saviour of
mankind, in whom I always believed, and whose gospel teach
ings I strived to obey as far as I understood them, and as far
as it was possible for me to do so ; He is it that carried me
through all those horrible diflBculties which I had to encoun
ter every day and hour, and which, to describe, I am utterly
unable. But, as an example, I will here present one very
grave and highly responsible position, into which I was com
pelled to plunge in, the very first time after coming to the the
ater of hostilities.
Shortly after my arrival, the Army of the Potomac re
ceived the orders to strike the tents and break up the camp.
and be ready for march at a moment's notice; and the very
same day the whole Army was in moving, where to we did not
know. After a whole day's marching — and a brisk, too —
about nine o'clock, evening, we made a halt for night's rest,
and the orders were given to pitch the tents. But, as soon
as the tents were about finished, there came an order for our
regiment to go on picket duty, and the tents had to be torn

16 IGNORANCE OF ENGLISH
down and packed up to the knapsacks in post haste; and in
less than fifteen minutes we were marching on again, extend
ing the picket line around our Division (2d Div. 5th Army
Corps). Now, every man acquainted with military service
knows full well that by drawing out a picket line, for every
three separate sentinels one non-commissioned ofl&cer (Sar
geant or Corporal) is given, who takes the charge over the re
spective three posts ; and all men are taken always from the
last files, or from extreme tail of the column And, as the
picket column moves onward, and the last men are con
stantly falling out for taking their posts in the picket line, the
column itself grows gradually smaller and smaller.
Now, I was in the very first file of the column, and march
ed just behind the horse of the field-officer who extended the
picket line. Moving slowly forward, we began dimly to dis
cern, not far off, a large farmhouse with lights in some win
dows, and then came the order to ' 'halt." After bringing the
musket to the foot, the field officer began to give orders and
arrangements in a low and suppressed voice, the meaning and
contents of which I could not in the least understand; and
after that he called for non-commissioned oflBcers to step out
of the ranks and advance to him. He called several times, but
none came forward, and upon his inquiry — if there were no
sergeants or corporals in the rear — the answer came from some
one that there were none at all.
On my lett side marched with me a Pennsylvanian Ger
man, who translated to me in a low voice what the picket-
commander spoke, and that there were no other non-commis
sioned ofl&cers present besides me. Therefore, I stepped out
the ranks a few steps toward the officer's horse and saluted the
commander. As it was a very cloudy and dark night he
stooped down in his saddle to see my face (probably wonder
ing that I did not step out at once after his calling for, or that
I did not speak a word). But, recognizing me, he exclaimed.

iQNOBANCE OF ENGLISH 17
"Is that you. Corporal?" to which I answered, "Yes, sir."
(The very one answer I was able to give on any and every oc
casion, without knowing or being sure that the answer is cor
rect or incorrect.) Upon that he asked again if there were no
other non-commissioned officers, and received the answer that
there were none. So he scratched his head behind and began
to give me his orders. Now, to this time of my being in the
service I began to understand a few words or sentences, if they
were told to me slowly and clearly, but could not, by
any means, reply, or express myself when I did not under
stand. Knowing my ignorance in English, he was thoughtful
enough to speak to me very slowly, and as clearly, I suppose,
as he could; but, nevertheless, I surely succeeded to grasp and
understand not more, if not less, than one word out of ten.
As he knew me (although I could not recognize him or remem
ber having seen him before), and as I was dumb like an oys
ter, he called for some man to come out who could speak any
other language besides English; and there came forward that
Pennsylvanian who marched with me in our ranks, and he
translated to me in German the orders of the commander,
which were: That the remaining men shall constitute the
picket reserve, and I shall take charge of them, take them to a
place which he pointed out to me in the direction to the farm
house, count them up, and keep them together till further or
ders. And especially be in vigilant lookout, and be in con
stant readiness for action, as the scouts reported that certain
bands of rebel-guerrillas are prowling around.
So, taking the men to the assigned place, and forming
them into line, I found the squad to be of forty-eight men;
and, with the exception of four men, all could not understand
any other language besides English. Three could understand
German and one French, but being from Canada his French I
could not understand. Now, just in the progress of countinp;
the men, there came a fearful '•ainstorm, a rain that only a

18 ON PICKET
"Virginia cloud can furnish. So, in haste, giving, through my
Pennsylvania friend translator, the necessary orders to keep to
gether and not to take off the knapsacks or accoutrements (as,
at any moment, we may be ordered to fall in), but seek shelter
from rain, as good as they could, under trees and bushes, and
be especially careful to preserve the loaded muskets and am
munition in cartridge boxes from becoming wet, and to
keep and remain all together, I broke the ranks, keeping the
translator close by me for any emergency. After twelve o'clock
the clouds began to break asunder, and there came a glorious
full moon to cheer us up. Shortly after came the field oflBcer
to see us ; and, among other things, ordered to detail three men
from my squad to be placed as sentinels around the farmhouse,
where was the headquarters (division or brigade, I cannot re
member), saying that it was again reported that rebel guerrilla
bands are marauding around. As I had heard before his com
ing some horses' tramps not very far from our hiding-place,
and shortly afterwards some firing from different points of our
picket-line, I reported that to the officer through the trans
lator. And then, picking out the 'first-at-hand three men, I
made ready to execute his orders; but he, seeing my difficulty
and inability to give any instruction to the sentinels, and
probably to be more sure for himself, took the men with him
self, telling me to remain with the reserve, and keep sharp
lookout for the guerrillas, and especially, if anything suspicious
or extraordinary happens, to send a report about it instantly
to him at the headquaiters. But, to our good luck, the rest of
the night passed peaceably and quietly. And if any man of
the whole of our picket line greeted the first break of dawn on
that morning with a deep sense of relief from fear and help
lessness it surely was the commander in charge of the picket re
serve. The experience of a man in such a condition can never
be described' or ihiparted' by means' Of words to bthers'i'it' i'g'
known and can be understood only by such as have been in

WITHOUT SLEEi> 19
similar conditions themselves. I ask the reader to consider
for a moment the following items:
There were guerrilla parties lurking around, and in dan
gerously close proximity. Now, if any of these guerrilla troops
should find out our hiding-place, and make a charge upon us
it would be an easy task for them to capture not only all of us,
but probably the headquarters itself, if they could bring up a
sufficiently strong force. Then, in any such emergency I would
be utterly incapable to bring the men under my charge to any
defensible purpose, as I was unable to give any command, or
to make any dispositions necessary in such emergency; and
this on account of mine ignorance of English, as to do this
by means of an interpreter or translator in such a moment
would be worse than useless. But the Lord, Saviour of
mankind, was the shield of protection; and the night passed
without any greater difficulty for me than the above described.
And the next morning we took inthe picket line and proceeded
further. Such difficulties, although not in equally dangerous
responsibility, repeated themselves continually all the time,
and every time when I was obliged to perform duty on guard,
or on any other detailed service.
This perplexing helplessness worked upon me to such an
extent that I gradually lost the possibility to sleep ; and it came
so far that I could not sleep and rest throughout the whole of
even one single night ; but the most nights I was compelled to
pass without sleeping at all, constantly trying to remember
more and more words of the English language which I heard be
fore; and also my helpless condition was constantly before my
mental eyes. The idea of falling into a serious scrape through
misunderstanding of received orders from mine superiors, or
through my ignorance of the language wrongly transmitting the
received orders to the sentinels placed by me on their posts — '
tUkt is, of giving them orders erroneously understood by me,
and in such a way ias may lead them tO perform their duty

20 DIPFICDLT DUTY
contrary to the orders of superior oflBcers, and thereby draw
upon myself a case which may be interpreted far worse than
error of ignorance: this idea and fear of consequences haunt
ed me day and night, and it culminated in my losing sleep
altogether. So that the most nights I was compelled to Jay
awake all night, tossing myself from one side to the other.
The sleeplessness and almost entire absence of mental rest
— hence, deprivation of physical rest — drew upon me gravest
consequences. I must state here that some time after the bat
tle of Gettysburg, on our return march from Pennsylvania to
"Virginia, I was detailed into the Provost Guard of the Second
Division, Fifth Army Corps, commanded by General Ayers,
and the commander of which guard became Captain Carpenter
of our regiment, who knew me well. As in the Provost Guard
non-commissioned oflBcers were but very few, I had to be on
guard once in every three days, and often every other day.
For any other man, who knew the English language, such ser
vice would be feasy and light enough ; but for me it was the
more hard, as it constantly required the use of that language
which I did not possess; and in the whole number of men in
the Provost Guard there was but one man who could speak
German; but such German as to understand him it was for
me almost still harder than to understand English; and there
was none that could understand French. In this guard I re
mained the whole winter till the last days of April, 1864. Be
sides the regular guard duty around the headquarters, on every
stormy night we had to throw around our camp an extra picket
guard, as there was always some danger of being attacked by
rebel guerrillas. And this came always when there was a heavy
snowstorm. This augmented my misery very much, as, being
on such duty, with several men under my charge, I had to
place them on their posts, give them proper instruction, and
that in a whisper; and, besides all these, every night there
came cavalry patrols and different scouts close by our camp.

DIFFICULT DUTY 21
and on stormy nights more frequently than usual. At the
approach of every such party I had to challenge them, to
order them to halt, and to give the countersign, in order to
ascertain if they were friends or enemies. On every such
occasion I was asked to give much different information, as
to: How long since and in which direction the last patrol or
scout party had passed by us ? The precise location of our
headquarters. The approximate distance to the nearest regi
mental camp. And about the directions of different roads
through the woods, etc., etc. Not to one single question was I
able to give answer; and there were sometimes laughable as
well as pitiable episodes at such difficult encounters. And it
must be remembered that all this had to be gone through in a
blinding snowstorm, and often in knee-deep drifting snow,
and in darkness which prevented to recognize even the dress
of the inquirer; and still less was it possible to see anything
of the face of him. And almost at every such visit and con
versation, starting further on their duty, they conversed and
laughed among themselves; no doubt but at the expense of
him from whom they received so much (?) valuable infor
mation. Laboring under these terribly hard odds and drawbacks,
and having almost no rest at all — because if not on guard, or
any other duty, I could not sleep either in the day-time nor at
the night-time, as I have stated above — my constitution began
to break down. And the first evidence of my constitutional
. disorders manifested itself in my stomach and bowels, which
became so disordered that the movements of the bowels were
performed but once in several days ; in fact, it came so far as
to be but once in a week or six days. And this caused me to
suffer great pain in stomach and bowels, as also heaviness and
dullness in the head and general weakness in the whole body,
shortly after which there followed excruciating cramps in
stomach and bowels, and so severe that it was often almost im-

22 SICKNESS
possible for me to stand the wearing of the belt with the cart
ridge-box attached. At the beginning of these troubles I vis
ited the doctor a few times and received some medicines,
which, however, did not give me much relief; but as the
cramps came upon me oftener — every other day, and often ev
ery day — and as I was unable to explain my troubles for the
doctor sufficiently to understand, I ceased to go to the doctor,
in order not to give any suspicion that 1 was trying to shirk
the performance of my duty, and left myself to the mercies of
my Creator to effect the restoration of my constitution by
means of my nature itself.
Some time after these troubles began, it appeared to me
occasionally that intermittently I lost my sound memory;
that is, it seemed to me that sometimes I became entirely un
conscious or oblivious to any and everything of my surround
ings. At least I was unable to remember and give to myself
a proper account of a certain lapse of time just past. And
this fact l^ecame the more apparent to me in the early spring
of 1864, when we were with the headquarters, moving from
one place to another, as I always very easily became heated
and profusely perspired. So, starting from the place of our
night camp, subsequently during our march I often lost my
memory to such an extent that, stopping in the next place —
after recovering my proper consciousness — I was utterly un
able to give an account to my own self, how long y\e marched
where we passed, and what were the objects observable on the
line of our marching. The consciousness returned to me al
ways only when we had made a halt for rest, and after I
had sufficient time to be cooled off and stop the excessive per
spiration. Then, all at once becoming conscious where about
we were, and who were around me; then calling into memory
the last place of our stopping, the time of our starting on
the march, and for some distance the road, and some more con
spicuous objects passed by us on the piarch; and then, all at

SICKNESS 23
once, all became blank to my memory, and, for my life, I
could not remember where we passed and where we marched.
But, by my watch it was obvious that we were several hours
moving. But the most strange thing for me was the fact
that not one of my comrades who were with me on the Pro
vost Guard duty at that time have ever made any allusion to
me that I conducted myself durlLg these times of my mental
absentness in any way strange, uncommon, or irrational. And
many a time I was on guard duty during our march, when I
had the charge not only over the guard detail, but had to look
after thirty, sometimes over forty, prisoners, many of .whom
were under heavy charges and sentences; but never came any
thing unusual. Juat one instance: After a few hours of
marching and some time of resting, becoming at once con
scious and accountable, I found myself lying under a tree
with my knapsack under mine head, and several others of my
comrades of the guard lying and resting around thet same tree
in like manner as myself. Not knowing how long we were
there, I asked the nearest man how long we were resting. He
looked at his watch, an'd answered, "About half an hour,"
adding, with some sarcasm: "Well, you were not asleep, and
ought to know without asking how long we were here resting."
Hence, taking out my watch, I saw that, from the time of our
starting from the last place of our rest, nearly four hours elapsed;
the most of_ which time I was utterly unable to account for, or
remember any object we had passed on the road, till I, as it
were, awoke under the tree as above stated. So it continued
and repeated- itself every day, when the headquarters were
moved from one place to another.
In the last days of April, 1864, the division Provost
Guard, which was composed of details from all the regiments of
regulars in that division, was relieved by details from
the regiments of volunteers, and we were ordered to return to
our respective regiments and report ourselves to our nearest

24 SICKNESS
commanders. So, rejoining our regiment, I reported myself to
mine company commander. Captain Ilges (afterwards Colonel
U. S. Army). As Captain Ilges was a German (as was stated
before in these depositions), and I could converse with him in
full mutual understanding of one another, so I concluded that
I will wait a few days and see if my mental derangements will
continue as before; then I will reveal it to him, and ask him to
communicate and explain all I knew about my condition to
our regimental doctor, and ask the doctor either for medicine
or advice in my troubles. But as far as I can remember, the
very next day after my return to the regiment came the gen
eral order to break up the camp and be ready for march at
once. Now, as at every breaking up of the camp and prepar
ing for march, every one had more to do than he possibly
could attend to, and the comminding oflBcers still more than
any other person, there was no time, neither opportunity, to in
form Captain Ilges, my company commander, about my
troubles. And, in fact, I never told any one about my mental
troubles and physical ailments of that time, except once to
Captain Ilges, when he came to Fort Trumbull for a few days
after the battle of the Weldon Railroad, at which battle he re
ceived some injuries. And, being in Fort Trumbull, he came
over into the hospital to see me and other wounded men of his
company, at which time mine arm was already amputated for
some time; but, being very feeble and very nervous, I could
tell him but very little, as I could call to memory but very
few instances. And besides that, I was forbidden by the Post-
Surgeon, Dr. Porter, to talk much; and, except this instance,
I never told anybody about my mental troubles and condi
tion. After the breaking of the camp and starting on the march,
I soon perceived that my mental troubles were increasing.
The pain and cramps in stomach and bowels came not so oft
en, especially being on the march ; but; instead of that, very bad

UNCONSCIOUSNESS 25
pain in the head, and then the loss of memory and the utter tem
poral unaccountability became aggravated, at times so much
so that the most time I was like in a trance, or in some kind
of somnambulism, not being able at such times to account ra
tionally, or remember where I was and what I had been do
ing. Some moments, or short spaces of time, I could remem
ber everything as vividly as any other man ; but this occurred
at intervals and of short duration, the bulk of time being
blank and unaccountable. So, after starting on the march the
first day after breaking-up camp, I soon lost my mental facul
ties, and do not know utterly how long and where about we
marched, when we stopped to rest, and how I passed the night.
And not only that, but even the next morning I could not re
member afterwards how I rose from sleep and what I had
done; and my consciousness came back to me, and just as if I
were awakened from a sound sleep, or restored from a trance,
suddenly, and just at the very moment when, having boiled
my coffee for breakfast with other soldiers ; and how I have
done that I don't know anything about it either. I carried
my coffee-pot, suspended upon a stick, to my place of night's
resting, and passed a group of oflBcers, among whom was Cap
tain Ilges, and who, looking at me, was talking to the other
oificers; and, as it appeared to me, he was talking about me.
Now, as I was unaccountable nearly the whole previous day and
the whole of last night, too (as I have just stated above), this
event was for me very vexing. I could not remember what I
had done the day previous and the last night, and the con
versation of the oflBcers, seemingly about me, gave me a
suspicion that probably I had done something wrong, irra
tional, or foolish. And still more strange, besides Captain
Ilges, I did not recognize one single other officer, although
they all seemingly belonged to our regiment. After this I can
not remember clearly and positively how long we remained on
that spot ; neither can I remember the time and circumstances

26 DOUBLE-QUICK CHARGE
when we started again on march, but became fully aware of it
when we were marching. Shortly after I became unconscious
again, and don't know at all how long we moved, but regain-
el my consciousness at the very time when we were forming
into line of battle, which was about noon, and a very hot dayj
too, as I was wet throughout from perspiration. Now, as I
look upon all that at the present time, it appears to me that
somebody — and very reasonably — may ask why I did not re
port to my commanding officer and the regimental doctors,
my troubles and incompetent condition ? And especially at
such a time, when it could result in great disasters. I answer
as it appeared to me at that time. I never was told that I
had done anything wrong when I was in absent mindedness,
but seemingly I acted alwaj's as rational as any other person;
hence, I nevf r was in apprehension that I would commit some
thing wrong. And the other cause of my silence was that to
report my troubles at such a time, and when every man was
highly needed in the ranks — and such troubles, which neither
could I prove, nor could the doctor or any one detect — would
be most likely taken as a deceit and a subterfuge to get out of the
ranks and out of the dangers of vvar; and, therefore, I kept si-
h-nce. I remember tolerably well how we formed our regi
ment into line, and how we started in battle-line through
very thick underbrush, which retarded very badly the ad
vance of th'i troops; especially so as this thick brush was full
of wild vines, which extended and intertwined the bushes to
gether like a net. I remember, also, that the command was
given, and we started in double-quick step, which was almost
impossible to perform, as the vine cords prevented keeping the
line unbroken. And at the start I found myself entangled
and almost strangled by some of those vine cords or strings.
As I was running, as all others did, some of these vine-cords
chanced to come around my neck, and through my rapid
moving forward they formed themselves into a perfect noose.

WOUNDED 27-
SO that I was not only stopped in my run, but was violently
jerked back. Being in a condition that utterly prevented my
moving forward, 1 began to extricate and disentangle myself
out of the meshes as rapidly as . it was possible for me,
having in mine hands gun, with the bayonet fixed on it, and
not one soul to help me.
This caused me to remain a considerable space behind the
line; but as soon as I had disentangled myself out of these
meshes, and was able to move forward, I started with all my
might to run after the battle line in order to overtake it, and
regain my place in it. Running through that brushy thicket
as fast as it was possible for me, I naturally became so
heated that the perspiration ran down my body as water. In
a few minutes later I came out of that thicket upon a large
field, and saw our line of battle in considerable dit-tance ahead
of me. So I used all my strength to catch up to it, and began to
run after it with all my might. Now, as it was a hot day, and
I perspired but too profusely even being in comparatively shady
woods, so, coming into the open field, wilh the sun's rays mer
cilessly striking upon me, and with increased exertions to catch
up to the line, and having musket in the hands, and heavy
load upon my back in the form of a knapsack and contents, in
the very first seconds of that run I became utterly exhausted ;
and, having lost again my consciousness and accountability,
from this moment I was utterlj^ oblivious — where I was, what
I had done, how I had been wcanded, how long I was iu that
Battle of the Wilderness, and how I came out of that fight.
In one word: It was, and is till now, for me utterly impos
sible to give any account of that time, if even my physical
life was dependent on that. I could then and can now
remember, and very distinctly, that there was a very great
noise and confusion; that 1 saw a multitude of people running
in all directions, and apparently without any aim and knowl
edge what they were doing, or what had to be done. But all this

28 WOUNDED
appeared to me then, as now, like a dream of a man in delirium
of fever, in which condition I was once in my boyhood; and
the strange hallucinations of that time of my sickness I remem
ber till now very vividly, although it happened with me nearly
fifty years ago. But here, besides or except this great noise
and confusion. I cannot remember any other circumstances
which happened around me and with me, and do not know at
all how and when I was wounded; neither do I know how and
when I came out and off the field of battle.
This occurred in the Battle of the Wilderness, "Virginia,
on the 4tli day of May. 1864. At the first time of regain
ing my senses I found myself lying under a large tree in the
woods, having my knapsack under mine head, and the belt,
with the cartridge-box, unbuckled, which work I myself in no
ways could perform on account of one arm being shot through
and rendered useless; but who unbuckled my knapsack and
belt I do not know at all. Remaining conscious but a few
minutes, during which time I heard heavy and deafening fire
of cannon and musketry, and that at a near distance from me.
I dropped again into oblivion, and how long it continued lean-
not tell; but the senses returned to me in the very minute
when two men with stretchers were passing by at a short dis
tance, going towards the sound of battle noise. They would
have passed me unnoticed, but I called to them; and, having
come to me, they lifted me up, put me upon the stretcher, and
proceeded to carry me farther.
At this time I lost my senses again, and regained them
towards the evening, when the sun was already under the hori
zon. At this time I found myself lying on a clear field among
many hundreds of other wounded men; and the first thing my
eyes beheld and the mind grasped was that one officer of our
rf-giment, a captain, by the name Osborn, or Osborne (I don't
know exactly), was going with a doctor between the rows of
the wounded, dying and dead scattered around me. Chancing

WOUNDED 29
to see me, he turned towards the place where I was ; and with
the words (as far as I can recollect), "Corporal, you are here,
too," he inquired whereabout I was wounded; but, not being
able to explain myself, I pointed out with my right hand to
the wounded left arm. He kneeled at my side and tried to
take off my overcoat, which I had on. But, not being able to
do this, he got up and went to the doctor; and, after a few
words to the doctor, pointing with his hand towards me, he
returned to me with the doctor.
All this I distinctly understood and remembered after
wards, and do vividly recollect to the present day ; and if that
Captain Osborn, or Osborne, is yet living, or even that doctor
(whose name I never heard) is yet among the living, and any
one of them should chance to read these "Depositions," they
will probably remember it too. But just at the very moment
when they were standing near me, and the doctor began to ex
amine the sleeve of my coat to see whereabout the arm was
shot, I dropped into unconsciousness again, and do not know
at alt how or when my arm was dressed, and how I was remov
ed into a hospital tent, where I found myself, among many
others, at the next return of my senses; and this time it was
already night and quite dark; but in a few miles' distance the
fire of musketry and cannon went on as lively as during the
day; and my arm was dressed, being taken out of the over
coat sleeve, of which work I was utterly oblivious. This time
the consciousness remained but a few moments.
At the next return of the senses it was about midnight,
or past twelve o'clock, and I found myself lying under another
man, who threw himself across my body. I pushed and tried
to awaken him, but to no aval', because I found him to be in
sensible. After, with great difficulty, I extricated myself by
crawling from uuder his bodj'; and, examining him as far as
it was possible by the light of the moon, I found him to be a
sergeant of a Zouave regiment, very young and very hand-

30 TKANSPERRED
some, but already dead for some hours apparently, because his
limbs were cold and already stiff; and he, undoubtedly, in the
mortal agony had thrown himself across me, of which I was not
in the least aware, and saw it only then when my senses re
turned, and when he was dead already for some hours.
After this I remember remaining for some days (how many
days I do not know, as the most time I was unconscious — at
least unaccountable to my own self) in that field hospital.
Then, I remember that all of us that were able to travel were
sent further to the rear. And so I started, in the company of
several hundred men wounded and sick, as others told, towards
Fredericksburg. We passed that city, also Chancellorsville,
and some other minor places, all in ruin and desolation. As
among the wounded in our squad there were many who could
speak German, and a few who could speak some other lan
guages, I had comparatively very little difficulty on account of
my ignorance of English; but I was the most time only half
conscious, and often unsconscious entirely, but never heard
from" any man that I acted in some way or another strangely
or irrationally. And on that account, although we stopped in
several cities on the road of our travel, and in some places we
were located in hospitals, but how long we were in any place I
cannot tell; I can recollect only this circumstance, that dur
ing our ride in railroad cars from Philadelphia to New York
city — which ride was very fast, and the track in a very bad
condition, as it caused often the passengers to jump high up
from the bench in consequence of the jumping of the cars — I
became aware that the pain in my wounded arm, which was
shot exactly through the elbow soclet or joint, btgan all at
once to increase very rapidly. And, as it was ascertained after
wards that the bone was split in several pieces, I presume that
through the great jerking and jumping of the cars the split
bone' fell asunder, and in consequence' of that the increase of
inflammation and pain ensued. I can only remember that we

IN FORT TRUMBULL 31
came to New York city, but in no way can I say how long we
remained in that city; neither can I remember how we passed
the time In New York; nor can I recollect anything how we
came from New York to New London, Conn.; I don't know
at all, if we came by a steamboat or by rail. But 1 became
fully conscious, and remember till now the time when we ar
rived at Fort Trumbull, and were welcomed by the post chap
lain, the good and saintly Rev. Dr. Hurlbut. (I am not sure
that this name is written correctly.)
In Fort Trumbull my physical and mental condition did
not improve, but rather grew worse. The pain in the wounded
arin increased daily and hourly on account of a large boil
which appeared just above the place where the bones were
cracked and parted asunder, and on the uj^per part of the fore
arm; I suppose it came from the accumulation of matter in
the wound and in the place where the split' bones separated.
And the mental condition was so much deranged that I was
really conscious about myself and the surroundings only at
intervals, and then but for a very short duration at a time.
Therefore, I cannot conscientiously mention or describe any
thing that happened with me at that time, and can remember
but the time when I was transferred from the barracks to the
hospital. In this hospital of Fort Trumbull, Conn., I beheld the great
est and the sublimest vision, which I will undertake to describe
presently, as far and as clear as my inadequate knowledge of
English will enable me to do. But, to understand better all
particulars, for those who never have been in Fort Trumbull,
Conn., and, consequently, do not know the inner construction
of that hospital, I will describe the arrangements of that build
ing as far as I am able to recollect, adding the following rough
diagrana of.."the building:, , , „ ,;,„, ,i,
-;, The .outer walls wer|e<>f rock-stone, plastered; inside and,
whitewashed; th^,,building consisted of one story, with abase-

32

HOSPITAL

ment for a kitchen, dining-room, and quarters for the attend
ants. The entrance to the building was by a few steps to a
veranda, and then into a narrow hall or corridor, which divid
ed the building into two parts. On the left side from the en
trance was the dispensary — a large room, with two large win
dows on the right and left hand sides from the door; and the
whole wall opposite the door was covered with a large cupboard
or case, with glass doors, for keeping medicines, instruments.

I

>¦
BC <
CO

a.(Tt

¦^T^r"^^

<

HOS PITAL ROOM

-CF- J-HlM-HIl— ^J-CH

hospital necessities, etc. On the right hand side of the en
trance hall, just opposite to the door into the dispensary, was
another door for the entrance into the ward or hospital proper.
This room was in width not lesfe than three times as large as
the dispensary room, but of the same length. Opposite the
entrance to that room was an open fireplace in the middle and
two closets in the corners -^f that wall ; and on both sides.

HOSPITAL

33

right and left, were several windows, in the intervals of which
were the couches. In the middle of the room, lengthwise, was
a row of wooden columns for the support of the ceiling; and
close to one of them were standing an ordinary little table and
a chair, where some of the inmates of the hospital that were
able to leave their beds sometimes partook their meals or medi
cines. As the doors of the hospital room and the dispensary
were just opposite each other, and near the outside wall, as
shown in the diagram, and were most of the time stand
ing full open : so, walking through the hospital room towards
the dispensary, a man could see a part of the opposite wall,
with the large glass-door case, where the medicaments and
hospital books and instruments were kept; and, also, if going
close to the columns, a man could see the wall with the two
windows on the right-hand side of the dispensary room. This
is all I am able to recollect about the inner arrangements of the
hospital building. And I hope that this description, together
with the diagram, will be sufficient for the proper understand
ing of all that which will be described presently about the
vision. During my stay in Fort Trumbull at this time, which
was eight or nine months, I was nearly all the time— as it ap
pears to me at the present time — -in half sleep or some kind of
a trance, and can but very faintly remember some incidents
or events of my life there at that time; and can recollect
clear enough but such circumstances and incidents that are,
more or less, connected with — or have direct bearing upon —
the ""Visions" themselves, all of which I vividly remember
and distinctly see with my mental eyes till the very present
day. And besides that, I am pretty sure that I will retain •
them in memory till the last day of my life on earth. There
fore I will mention only that which I can well remember, and
will describe but that in the correctness of which I am con
sciously sure that it happened.

CHAPTER IL
Shortly after my arrival at Fort Trumbull I was compell
ed often to listen to conversation between other soldiers, and
carried on in close proximity to me — although in some sup
pressed undertone or voice, but still loud enough to be distinct
ly heard by me, and seemingly for the principal purpose of
my hearing it — that I am a rebel, a traitor, etc., and that I
ought to be shot. And sometimes I was forced to hear that I
will be court-marshalled and shot- These and such like utter
ances and conversations I was subjected to hear nearly every
day. It is easy for every rational reader of this to understand
that such discourses about me among my comrade-soldiers in
my presence but too much augmented my physical weakness
and mental derangement, as I was utterly unconscious of hav
ing committed such a deed which would justify the infliction
of the highest penalty of the law; and to be a rebel, a traitor,
was for me as abhorrent and detestable as it ever could be for
the most loyal born American. And solely for this purpose I
have described at such length my resolution to go to America
for the sole purpose of entering into the Northern army, and
also my outright refusal to accept the advances of that agent
of the Southern Confederacy offered to me and my comrade,
Lieutenant Puffer, on the steamer coming over the ocean. I
had no opportunity whatever to be such ; but even if I had
or would have any chance for such an action, I was constitu
tionally or conscientiously utterly incapable to commit such
an act of treason.

BAD ENGLISH 35
But as I was often and so many times in the field, as also
at the time of being in Fort Trumbull, semi-unconscious or
unaccountable, it dawned upon me that, probably, some time
being in such a condition, maybe I conducted myself or acted
in such a way as could be interpreted or explained as treason
able. But if ever such act or conduct of mine was really
committed by me, I am utterly unconscious of it; hence, can
not be made accountable and punishable for it, as it was done
in the absence of sound senses and without rational intention.
Further on it gave to me acutest moral pain that I did nat
know at all the particulars of the time when I was wounded.
So the interval times when my consciousness and reason re
turned to me I was horribly perplexed about the times of my
unaccountability. To cap all these perplexities, I was very
often forced to converse with other soldiers in English, or give
them answers to their questions in that language. But, as I
knew the exact meaning of but very few English words, so
the largest number of words that I used in expressing myself
I utterly did not know the correct meaning of them, and used
them only because I supposed them to mean that which I was
desirous to express. But in this I made many and very
grave mistakes. Many times it happened so that after having
given to the inquirer my answers and explanations, I could
perceive by his conduct at leaving me that he felt either in
sulted or disgusted by my answer. So, remembering closely
the words I used in giving my answer to the inquirer, at the
first opportunity I asked some one who knew good German
and English what these words which seemingly offended my
inquirer meant and implied, and, every time I had to find out
that these words did not convey that which I desired to ex
press. And very often they were radically contrary to that
which I ought to say in answer to the question, and desired to
say. (Under this last difl&culty I am laboring even, till the
present time, although I am in this country over twenty-two-

36 DEPLORABLE STATE
years, and have to use the English language every day. As
not long since, an editor of a religious paper, to which I con
tributed some of my writings, told me that he cannot correct
ly understand my talk to him, and that I write and express
myself far more correctly in writing than in speaking.)
Now, if I possessed sufficient knowledge of the English
language so as to be able to understand intelligently everything
that was said to me, and in return to give answers to questions
and explanations to everything in such a clear and compre
hensible way as to be readily and easily understood by the ma
jority, if not by all, I would have presented my case to the
proper authorities in the Fort; but for such an action I was
utterly and positively incapable. Because not only ^as I un
able to express myself correctly, but I was unable to under
stand what was told to me. And even in that which I seem
ingly understood, if it was an order from a superior officer, in
carrying it out I never was sure that I had understood the
words of the order-giver correctly, and carried out his orders
accordingly and right. And to go and petition the authorities
for investigation, and probably a formal and legal court mar
tial, by means of an interpreter or translator, was for me en
tirely out of the question. Because, seeing every one around
me to be ill-disposed against me, as the most of them were but
too glad of finding opportunity to trouble, plague, and annoy
me, I in no way could trust any one of them to act as a trans
lator or interpreter in such an emergency for me. On the oth
er hand, as I was in Fort Trumbull at that time even oftener,
and for a longer duration at a time, unconscious or unaccount
able as I was the last time of my being in the field. I was in
great danger and dread of falling into that state or condition
during my examination, and thereby making the circumstances
far worse than they were before. All this compelled me to re
main in a vexed and deplorable condition without any attempt
whatever to extricate myself out of it, and I had to put all my

HORRORS OF WAR 37
hope for deliverance into the hands of a Power which is might
ier than all human agencies and means.
In this condition and under these circumstances I drag
ged my life, every day augmenting my misery by the increase
of pain in my wounded arm; as also by my mental trouble
and constant thinking about the calumny of being a rebel, a
traitor, and what not, as it was described above. Now, all
these combined, naturally worked to lower my physical and
spiritual constitution; and, to all that, the intermittent and
constant spells of my unaccountability helped me to grow
weaker and feebler. To this time I was in the common bar
racks with some other sick and wounded men ; but as I grew
rapidly weaker and worse, I was, at last, transferred into the
hospital, the diagram of which is given above.
Now, on one Sunday morning, shortly after my being
transferred into the hospital building (as far as I can recollect
it was the last days of June, or in the first part of July, 1864,
and, as I write the present "Depositions" in July, 1886, so,
just twenty-two years since), after a tolerably good night's
rest, I got up blessed with unusual clear mental perceptions.
And mostly all circumstances of that Sunday morning and
forenoon impressed themselves upon my mind, and vividly re
main in my memory till the very present day, although they
happened over twenty-two years ago. After the usual Sunday
inspection on that morning, between 10 and 11 o'clock a. m.,
feeling some increase of pain in my wounded arm, I began to
walk up and down the whole length of the hospital room. The
first time of my beginning to walk up and down I mentally
repeated some prayers, but was distracted from this by the sur
roundings about me. Then I began to think about the war
and the events occurring on the fields of conflict, waged be
tween two political parts of one nation. Now, as in every in-
ternicine war — and especially in our war for the union of
States — there were many and many families, which of the male

38 WILLING TO BE SHOT
members one part served in the Union army and the other
part of the same family served in the ranks of the Confederate
army ; so, as they were standing as enemies towards one anoth
er, as the case may be — father against his son and a son
against his father, as also one brother against another, or
more than one, and so forth. In such circumstances it is un
deniable that, whether in skirmish line or in a pitched battle,
all unknowingly, the father can become the slayer of his soni
the son of his father; and one brother the slayer of another,
and which events, probably, were more than a few.
Now, thinking over all these horrible circumstances, my
mind was struck with the idea. What a terrible sin and crime,
in the eyes of God, the nation, as a whole, is committing in this
terribly cruel and utterly inexcusable war. Then came the
thought that, as God is perfectly just, and all these things are
against his will and revealed Commandments, there is but too
much cause to believe that at some time in the future the whole
nation will be compelled to expiate all the present sins and
crimes in some other way. After this came to my mind mine
own condition. The question pressed itself upon my ¦mind as
to. What have I done to deserve the name of a traitor ? And
what deed have I committed for which I deserve to be shot ?
My conscience was clear, and the heart was positive that I never
in my whole life had committed such a crime which justified
BUch a punishment. And, as to the service under the flag of
the Union, I never had in my mind even the faintest possibil
ity of committing a treasonable act, and still less have know
ingly committed any such crime. But, then, what is the cause
and reason that I am compelled constantly to hear that I am a
rebel, a traitor, etc., and will be shot ?
Then all at once the following idea flashed across my mind :
"What, if in the inscrutable ways of the just Providence a,
special sacrifice was necessary to expiate all the sins and crimes
of the nation at large committed in this unjustifiable and cruel

VISION 39
war ? And what if I was singled out to furnish this sacrifice ? "
To this question I instantly gave to myself a resolute and posi
tive answer mentally. If I knew that this is the will and de
mand of the universal Creator and Ruler, and if I knew that
thereby the war would be stopped, and the Union of States
and the Republic itself would be preserved, I would unflinch
ingly submit to be shot, without any attempt to defend my in
nocence against any and every accusation brought against me.
Now, as it was said above, that the weather on that Sun
day forenoon was beautifully clear and warm, and the sunrays,
falling through the windows of the left hand side, .'were play
ing upon the floor and the wall of the right hand, side of the
dispeinsary-room, and, as I was walking up and down
through the hospital room (as it is marked in the dia
gram), and was slightly swinging my wounded arm in conse
quence of increasing pain, so, each time, going towards the
dispensary, I looked with some pleasure at the play of the
sunrays on the floor and the wall of the dispensary room.
And, as both doors in the dispensary-room and the hospital-
room were full open, nearly the whole wall with the two win
dows on the righthand side of the dispensary were fully open
to my view. Now, when the last above described questions
flashed across my mind, being followed by my mental answer
and resolution, I was walking towards the dispensary and
looking at the fantastic displays of the sunrays on the right-
side wall of the dispensary, and was just nearing that little
table and chair marked on the diagram. In the very moment,
as the above described resolution flashed across my mind, far
quicker than the fall of lightning, the two windows disappear
ed, and the whole wall; from ceiling to floor, became at once
covered with thick and heavy clouds, and in the middle of
those clouds protruded a representation or figure of the Al
mighty Creator and Ruler of the universe. This sudden ap
pearance was so majestic, sublime, and awe-producing that it

40 VISION
almost broke me down from my feet. But, as I, at the very
moment of the appearance of that vision, was in close prox
imity to the little table and the chair, and, at the very mo
ment of beholding it abruptly stopped in my walking; so
grasping the back of the chair, I quickly sat down, and, drop
ping my wounded arm upon the table, I began to observe and
examine closely all particulars of the sublime vision, which
continued to remain before my sight nearly, if not more than,
a whole minute. So long, indeed, that I was enabled to
observe and retain in memory every particular in detail, and
which, with the permission and help of my Creator and Sav
iour, I will undertake to describe here as plainly and distinct
ly as my inadequate knowledge of the English language will
enable me. The clouds were white and very compact. Some
of them were bordered or encircled with blue, gray, and a few
with an almost black border, and all were in mountainous
clumps, just as we see them sometimes after a heavy rain
storm, when the heavy wind changes, and, coming from the
north, causes the clouds to ascend higher, and breaks them up
by piling them up into mountains of more heavy and close
compactness. Just so were these clouds extending themselves
inside the dispensary more than three feet from the wall, and
seemed to be slightly shaken as if a wind blew against
them, or as if from any other force coming from inside the
clouds themselves. In the very moment, as the wall and
windows disappeared, and these clouds covered the whole wall
from floor to ceiling, simultaneously, in the middle part of the
clouds, and a little lower than half-way from the ceiling, ap
peared a human form of undescribed magnificence and grand
eur, being more than twice the size of any ordinary human be
ing of large proportions. This human form protruded out of
the clouds into the room to the loins or waist. The arms
were outstretched from both sides of the body and further in
side the room, and appeared somelike as if flying. The head

VISION 41
and face were nearly round, the eyes wide open, large, and of
heavenly blue color. The hair of the head and the beard very
thick, long, and white like freshly fallen snow, and were flying
backwards from the face, as if the head were flying with a
mighty speed forwards, or as if a very strong wind or hurri
cane were blowing into the face. The face looked as a full
representation of majesty; was beautiful far more than I ever
have seen of any human being, and the eyes were slightly
turned towards my side, but not as much as to look straight at
me. The body and arms were clothed in scarlet tunic; and
over the left shoulder, as if thrown, were visible some
kind of a garment of a bright blue color; but what kind of
garment was that I could not see and do not know. It looked
somelike that as the Saviour is represented in some sacred
paintings. As the beard was parted in the middle of the chin,
flying backwards over both shoulders, so it exposed the neck
under the chin, and thus enabled me to see that the scarlet
tunic was circularly cut out around the neck, and I could
clearly see also that this cut-out was edged or bordered with
either a narrow gold band or a gold cord or string, which vividly
glistened or sparkled from the sunrays falling into the room
through the windows of the left-hand side, and which, prob
ably, prevented me to distinguish the gold edgings — if they were
of a band or a cord. The sleeves were wide at the wrist (some
time called Greek sleeves), and cut just like the sleeves of the
cassock of the priests in the Greek church ; that is, made from
the shoulder down gradually broader and wider, till at the
wrist the sleeve is about two feet wide. And the edges around
the end of the sleeves, just as the edge around the neck, were
bordered by a gold band or cord, which, as around the neck,
glittered like diamonds from the sunrays. I could not discern
any other garment under this "cassock," as also what kind of
a garment that of the blue color was; it appeared to me only
thrown over the left shoulder. This is all I had time to ex-

42 VISION
amine and observe positively ; but these things which I have
just described I saw clearly ; and all of them impressed them
selves upon my mind, and fixed themselves in my memory
so permanently that I see all mentally as clearly and as vividly
to the present day as if I saw them but a few days or weeks
ago; and I feel nearly positive that I will see them throughout
my whole remaining life on earth.
Now, as I was sitting at the table, and, with awful aston
ishment, observing this majestic and sublime vision in all par
ticulars, all at once there appeared to my view Doctor Porter,
and close behind him his assistant, the hospital Steward, Kel
logg. And at the very moment, as the Doctor and Steward ex
posed themselves to my view, coming across the room from the
left-hand side of the dispensary (which side of the room was
not exposed to my view), and toward the sick room where I
was, at that very moment the "vision" vanished, and the wall
with the two windows reappeared to my sight. Now, just in
the moment my eyes fell upon Doctor Porter and Steward
Kellogg, and at which very moment th,e vision disappeared, I
heard distinctly and clearly, as if whispered by a human be
ing into my right ear, the following words in Russian language:
"This is God-Father and God-Son 1 " Now, as beholding the
sublime "vision," I was in awe and astonishment; so, by hear
ing the above words whispered into my right ear, my mind was
nearly bewildered by astonishment and confusion. Because
these words I heard whispered into my ear just at the very
moment when the vision disappeared, and mine eyes rested on
the persons of Doctor Porter and Steward Kellogg, it appeared
to my mind at that time that the words heard by me, "This is
God-Father and God-Son," referred to Doctor Porter and Steward
Kellogg, as the former was an old man past seventy, and the
latter a young man about twenty-five years of age. And this
circumstance plunged my mind into utter confusion; and
across my mind flashed the inquiry, What does it mean that

VISION 43
the Doctor and Steward seemingly represent "God-Father and
God- Son" ? But, in after times, when I became convalescent,
and my mind gradually became more steady and rational,
often contemplating about this sublime vision and these words,
I remembered the words spoken by our Saviour in answer to
the Apostle Phillip, "I and mine Father are one." "Who sees
me sees my Father." So, through these words of our Saviour
I saw clearly, and became fully convinced, that the words
heard by me, as whispered into my ear, [were pronounced in
reference to the vision ; in the one human form of which vision
were represented the twofold faculties and attributes of Jesus,
or of his sovereignty ; that is : God the Father as the Creator
and Ruler of the Universe; and God the Son as the Saviour of
the world and the human race, but both these attributes merg
ing in one divine human form of Jesus Christ. And just here
1 wish to state the following: First — That at this time, when I
was sitting at the table, and was observing the vision, there
was not one single person less than twenty feet from me; but
I heard the words whispered close to mine right ear ; moreover,
there was not one single person neither in the hospital nor in
the fort itself at that time who coiild understand and speak
Russian besides me; but the above words were whispered into
my ear in the Russian language.
Hence, taking all these circumstances together, there is no
question whatever that the words, "This is God-Father and
God-Son," _heard by me at that time, proceeded from entirely
different sources than from ordinary means of human agency.
In this I am perfectly positive. Second : There is no question
whatever that the vision was not seen by the persons, or any
one of them, who were in the dispensary at that time — at least
the doctor, the steward, and the hospital nurse (if there were
no outsiders at that time). But I saw it as clearly and dis
tinctly as any material object can be seen by good eyes, and
in clear -daylight; and for such long duration as to give me

44 VISION
ample time to observe and remember every particular of thp
vision. This question, "How can that possibly be accounted
for that one man can see, and many others at the very same
time wouldn't be able to see the same ?" puzzled me very much
every time, in many after years, when I contemplated or med
itated about the described vision, till a few years since, begin
ning to read many works of spiritual philosophy by Emman
uel Swedenborg, I found the explanation of this mystery.
Describing and explaining the mystery of our Saviour's ap
pearance to the apostles and others after his resurrection, as it
is ingrafted in his gospel of the New Testament, Emmanuel
Swedenborg says that the Lord God and Saviour, by his om
nipotent power, and for reasons known only to his own per
son, sometimes opens the spiritual sight of a man; and that
man whose spiritual sight has thus been opened is enabled to
see all spiritual things, which the Saviour will cause to pre
sent before man's natural eyes. Whereas, none of those whose
spiritual sight has not been opened by the Saviour are able to
see the same, as spiritual things can be discerned only spiritu
ally (says the Apostle Paul); so no spiritual things can be
seen with physical eyes if the spiritual sight of the individual
is not opened by the Saviour for seeing the spiritual.
This explained to me the whole mystery that puzzled me
a good deal and many years. And, third: As I have received
a religious education, and was always — -although very disobe
dient — a tolerably good believer in God and the teachings
of the church (as far as I knew them), I remembered always
in my prayers that there are three Persons in the Divine
Trinity — God-Father, God-Son, and God-Holy Ghost. Now,
in that above-described vision I saw one divine-human form,
which contained in itself the two first persons, the Father and
the Son (as I was informed by a whisper into my ear). But
every time I meditated about the vision, and this was nearly
every day since I became able to collect my mind so far as to

WHAT FOLLOWED 45
be able to think, I was giving to myself, the following ques
tion: "I have seen the person of God-Father and God-Son, but
the church teaches that these are two persons ; whereas I saw
them in one divine form of a man. Moreover, the church
teaches that there is a third person, God — Holy Ghost. Will
I ever see and understand the third person of the Holy and
Divine Trinity ? The solution of this question will be given
further on in its proper place, as it came to me in an incom
prehensible or undefinable way from above.
Now, as I was still sitting at that little table, bewildered
with the awfulness of that described vision, and confused by
the words I heard whispered intp my ear, Dr. Porter came
into the hospital room first, and, turning to the right from the
entrance, he went around to speak to and examine the other
sick and wounded; and his assistant, Stewart Kellogg, came in
right after him, having a white cup like a teacup in his hand.
He came towards me where I was sitting at the table, and
came near to me with the words, "Corporal Petroff, your arm."
He abruptly stopped to advance nearer, or to speak more, but
with some wonder looked for a few moments into my face.
And then, coming close to me, he, in a mild and sympathetic
voice, asked me, "Do you feel very sick ?" to which I answer
ed, "I feel very great pain in the arm." But this was far
from the real truth. As he, undoubtedly, saw in my face the
reflection of the inner condition of mine mind, caused by the
events just past, his inquiry, so to say, meant something like
asking, "What is the cause of your bewilderment and the un
natural condition of your face ?'•" So mine answer was only
correct to his incorrect inquiry; but it settled the matter so
far satisfactorily, as the next words of his were, "Let me see
your arm." And with these words he proceeded to take off
the bandages. When he uncovered the wounded arm he first
looked for a moment at it; then he poured upon the largest
wound, which formed itself on the upper part of the forearm,

46 GREAT PAIN
and just above the place where the bones, being split, fell
asunder, some kind of a liquid, which he brought from the dis
pensary in that teacup. This was for me, so to say, to jump
out of the fire into flame. In the very moment, as he had
thrown quickly and suddenly that liquid upon the wound,
which was more than two inches large in diameter, there came
from the wound some kind of a tsish — something like that pro
duced by lard or butter thrown upon hot iron, and also a lit
tle like smoke and bad odor. But more than all that, in the
very moment after I had seen that which is here stated, it
went throughout my whole system like the strongest electric
current, which caused me nearly to faint away; and the pain
in the arm became utterly indescribable. So much it was so
that this pain, all at once, caused me that moment to forget
the vision and all the circumstances attendant to it. And,
after he had rebandaged it, I utterly didn't know what I
should do to stand the pain ; I could not rest in one place even
a minute's time, but had to run violently around the whole
hospital room, swinging my arm in every possible way. And
I do honestly believe and think that only the thought about
that sublime vision which I beheld that morning, and the
words which I heard whispered into my ear, were the most
powerful means by which my life was- sustained. But even
this was not of a long duration. I remember only, and that
distinctly, that the same afternoon my senses began to be un
steady and wandering, and toward the evening, before the sun
set, I lost all control of my mind and senses, and that so com
pletely that I positively do not know was I alive or not; neither
do I know in the least how many days I was in that condi
tion. But I am sure that it lasted for many days, because I
could remember afterwards, and do recollect even until
now, that I had several different visions during that time.
But as'my senses were shattered and broken, these visions ap
pear to me as undefined dreams, or hallucinations of feverish

UNCONSCIOUS SPELL. 47
brains in "delirium tremens." So, as I am not positively
sure, atid am unable to describe them clearly, I will not state
them. But I will describe here a few episodes or events at times
when I at once regained my senses, and as suddenly lost them
entirely again. In the first instance — and I do not know at
all how soon it happened after my total loss of senses on that
Sunday afternoon — I found myself standing outside the hos
pital, and near me the hospital nurse, Phelps, holding me by
the right arm. As soon as I recovered my senses, and became
conscious of the surroundings, and whereabout I was, I looked
at myself and became aware that I had on my body hospital
nightclothes only — long shirt and drawers, and boots on my
feet, but nothing else whatever. Then, as soon as my senses
grasped the situation, I heard this question from the nurse,
Phelps, and could understand it clearly. He said, "Where do
you go ? " To which I answered, "I go home." Now, I re
member this clearly till now, although I cannot remember one
single instance of' having been told about this occurrence by
any man whatever ; and as I am not perfectly sure in the cor-
rectnesss of the description of it, I appeal to any brie and all
who were at that time in Fort Trumbull, and are among the
living now, to corroborate it if correct, or correct it if Erro
neous ; but, according to my recollection, I describe it as a real
occurrence. And, just in the moment I had given the above-
mentioned answer to Phelphs, my mind broke up again ; and
I do not know at all how I came back into the hospital-room -,
neither do I know in the least what happened afterwards. The
next time my senses returned to me at the very time when I
was being carried, together with the couch I was lying upon,
through the yard or space between the hospital building and
the guard-house building, close to which building was standing
another two-story frame house into which several wounded men
were removed from the hospital. But on this occasion the re-

48 CONSCIOUS SPELL
turn of my senses was of such short duration that I could
afterwards, and can now, remember only my being carried upon
my bed through the yard, and saw the building whereto I was
carried, but do not know at all how the carriers managed and
succeeded in carrying me into the second story of that building
up very narrow stairs. The next time when my senses re
turned I saw Dr. Porter busy around me, measuring, or taking
measure, of the upper part of my wounded arm; and it seems
to me he had spoken something to me, or to all of us who were
in that room — I don't know, because I did not understand his
words — then I fell again into my trance, and positively do not
know at all how many days I was in that building. Then my
senses returned to me just at that time when I was walking
on foot through the same yard from that frame building
towards the hospital building, with Hospital Nurse Phelps
holding me under my right arm. And I was so far conscious
of all that it struck me as improper and nude, as I was clothed
only in hospital bed-clothes, and wrapped around in a bed-
sheet, having only boots on ; so it appeared to me that I ought
to put on at least an overcoat for the sake of decency ; but I
cannot remember as to having made any remark on that.
Then I remember when I came into the dispensary. As it
was the first time after having seen in that room the above-
described vision that I came into the dispensary, that room
appeared to me strangely. I remember having found there
several persons, but cannot recollect them personally, except
Doctor Porter, who spoke some words to me very kindly and
friendly, but I could not understand what he said; and close
to him I saw his assistant, Hospital Steward Kellogg; and also
a musician from the artillery band, a German by the name of
Keller, who said to me in German that I must lie down on a
large table, temporarily placed in the middle of the dispensary,
and be covered with a bed-sheet, and adding that my arm had
to be amputated. So I stretched myself upon that table, and

ARM AMPUTATED 49
by Steward Kellogg was given chloroform to inhale, which was
anything but agreeable to smell; but soon my senses were be
numbed, I became unconscious, and the operation began. I
distinctly remember till the present day that I regained my
senfes during the operation, and just at that time when Doc
tor Porter was sawing through the bone, but did not feel any
pain whatever; but, turning my face to the left side, I stared
at the work with curiosity and some kind of satisfaction ; then
Steward Kellogg, who stood at the other side of the table, put
his hand before my eyes; and I remember that after he had
done BO I lifted my right hand and pushed his hand away,
saying, "I want to look at that." But after a few seconds, be
ginning to feel some pain, I asked him to give me more chloro
form, which he did; then, becoming again unconscious, I re
mained so till everything was finished, and I became minus
one limb. Then, becoming conscious again, and seeing that
all is finished, I made an attempt to raise myself from the
table, with the intention to walk into the hospital room, but
the Doctor peremptorily prevented me from doing so ; and I was
lifted up and carried into the hospital room by two stout men.
So far I remember the different circumstances and events of
that time, but not much further.
Then, from that time, my life in Fort Trumbull appears
to me more like a dream than reality, as it is not continuous at
all, but rather broken in fragments, as it was the last months
of my life in the field ; it appears to me only that my unac
countable condition extended into far longer duration at a time,
than it was in the field ; and the intervals, when the senses be
came active and rational, were of shorter time than in the field.
So, to describe that time conscientiously and as a truth, I am
utterly incapable. Hence, I will describe only such events of
which I am positively sure that they occurred, and in such a
way aa they were preserved in my memory.
Several months after my arm was amputated (I do not

50 TRANSFERRED
know how many, but it seems to me that it was early in the
spring of 1865, or in the last part of 1864), I was transferred,
with many other convalescent, wounded and sick soldiers, into
one room of the officers' apartments in one of the bastions of
the fort proper. It was a large room, with a very high ceiling,
having several windows towards the east. I do not remember
how many of us occupied that room, but think not less than
eighteen or twenty; and I remember that I occupied a bunk
together with Corporal Ford of the same company with me,
who was shot through the hand. Our bunk was standing with
the headboard towards the wall in which the windows were;
hence, being in it, I was with my head eastward, and the feet
westward ; and, when the weather was clear, as soon as the sun
began to appear above the horizon, the sunrays immediately
struck the windows and penetrated into our room. Fort Trum
bull stands on a high cliff- bank, having upon the east and
south a broad sheet of water. In this room I staid, with many
others, for several months, till I was able to be about.
Now, as is natural, becoming more and more convales
cent, and being compelled to keep my bed only on account of
the arm, as the stump healed up but very slowly and gradual
ly, I often woke up very early in the mornings, and, not wish
ing to sleep more, I passed the time by observing the play of
the sunrays on the ceiling and the opposite western wall. So
it was that on a morning of February or March, 1865 — I can
not remember the month nor the day, as I did not keep a
memorandum, but I am perfectly sure that it was in the first
nionths of 1865 — having woke up about or between four and
five o'clock in the morning, I found the morning to be very
clear and beautiful, arid the sunrays were displaying the most
interesting things -and figures on the ceiling and the western
wall of the- room. All other occupants of the rodni, and my
bunk comrade Ford, too, were sound asleep, as from no one
came any sigh of being awakes: So, looking at the pl%things

VISION OF MOTHER 51
of the sunrays, and listening to the different melodies of snor
ing from all parts of the room, and lying on my back for some
time, I began to think about my poor condition, asking myself
mentally, "What shall I do on leaving the hospital ?" I
have now but one arm, and cannot be of any amount of use in
the anh y. If I knew the English language I could perform
some duty as a clerk in some of the military offices, but I am
utterly incompetent — on account of the language — to perform
such service. And, on the other hand, if I apply for a dis
charge and go out of the army, what will I do then ? The
very same ignorance of English will block my way every
where. •' What shall I do ?" This question forced itself upon
my mind repeatedly, and several times, without enabling me to
give a satisfactory answer. So, thinking and revolving in my
mind the possibilities, as also the impediments lying in my
way, I, all at once, was struck with something before my eyes,
which at the first I supposed to be some kind of a shadow
coming from an object, which miy have happened to pass be
tween the sun and the windows of our room, which windows
were behind my head. But, looking more closely at it, I viv
idly, distinctly, and positively recognized in that shadow the
form of my mother, standing about two feet distant from the
footboard of our bunk. Now, as I was just thinking and
striving to solve in my mind what would be the best for me to
do, namely : To remain in the army, or apply for my dischar.n;e
and go out; so, after being positively convinced by observing
the stature and recognizing the face that it is my mother, and
without any thought whatever how she could appear there,
and being utterly unable to explain to myself even to the present
day how it came that T threw to her such a question without
any preliminary interrogation or explanation — as soon
as I became fully sure and convinced that it was my mother
standing before me, I uttered to her the following question,
and in the Russian language, "Mother, what shall I do ?" and

52 NOT A DREAM
in the very moment that I had spoken the last word she rais
ed her right hand and arm as high as her head, and, pointing
with her forefinger towards the ceiling, she answered, and in
the Russian language also, "To pray."' And this answer was
pronounced by her in a half-suppressed voice, just loud enough
for me to hear and understand, apparently as if she was
thoughtful not to disturb the sleep of any other occupant of
that room; and in the very moment she dropped that word,
"To pray," she vanished.
Now, every living man in the room was soundly sleeping.
Not one of them, by any single manifestation, exhibited him
self to be in a wakeful condition ; and, besides this, there was
not one single person who could understand the Russian lan
guage. But I asked her in Russian, and received from her the
answer in the same language. I did not sleep then, but was
awake probably for more than half an hour before she appear
ed to me; neither did I fall asleep after the vision, but remain
ed awake the rest of the morning, until all the others, one
after another, were awake. So I am perfectly sure and positive
that it was not a dream, but a vision in reality, without any
doubt whatever. I perfectly recognized the features of her
face, but could not distinguish exactly if her eyes were open
or shut, as they appeared to me as being very deep sunken in
the sockets, which was not the case when I left her on depart
ing from St. Petersburg ; and, besides this, she was standing be
fore my sight as if in a shade, or as when we see objects in in
sufficient light, or during the twilight or dawn. I perfectly
recognized her voice when she gave me the answer to my in
quiry. Also I distinctly observed the dress of her head and
body, and am sure that she had them not at that time when I
was yet in St. Petersburg. By this appearance of her to me I
concluded that she had died.
Now, this was the second vision which I saw in broad
daylight, and with open eyes and full consciousness; and not

PROVOST SERGEANT 53
only saw with my natural eyes the visions, but heard with my
natural ears some words directed and spoken to me, which in
no way could come from a human being, as at both times the
words were spoken to me in the Russian language, when I am
perfectly sure not one living soul in Fort Trumbull could
speak Russian.
After the vision of my mother I resolved to remain in the
army till the expiration of the term of my enlistment, and
perform as much duty as I would be able to perform. And,
as I often afterwards was in an unaccountable condition, and
almost every day trying to recall to my memory all the cir
cumstances of the day previous, I encountered more or less
long spaces of blank duration, of whioh I did not know any
thing for certain; therefore, I will mention here but such
events as I am certain that they happened in the same way as
I describe them.
After becoming so far recuperated as to leave the room
and be about outdoors, I was given several kinds of work to
perform which I was more or less able to fulfill. And, at
last, I was made provost-sergeant, and was ordered to take
every day the prisoners confined in the fort outside the inclos
ure to make a proper and regular road leading from the fort
into the city of New London, which road went through rocks
covered with underbrush and woods in a wild condition. The
prisoners were many, and among them several were desper
ate characters, to manage whom, to say the least, I had more
than a little difficulty on account of my ignorance of English.
One morning, being outside the fort at work on the road with
the prisoners, amorig whom were several who carried a ball
and chain, and among these a young fellow, who was a desert
er several times, and carried on his foot a heavy chain and
ball; just after the "doctor's call" was sounded in the fort,
one of the prisoners came to me telling me that he was sick
and wanted to see the doctor. As that morning I felt in my

54 PRISONER ESCAPED
stump considerably more pain than usual, I was desirous to
see the doctor, too, for to ask for some liniment to rub the
stump with. So, taking the sick prisoner with me, I went in
to the fort to see the doctor, leaving all the other prisoners at
work in charge of one of the guards. After returning with
the sick prisoner to the place of our work, I noticed some
prisoners sneering and laughing, seemingly at my expense.
Suspecting something wrong or unusual, I told the guards to
bring the prisoners together to be counted. As soon as they
were all together, I saw at once that the young fellow who
was a constant deserter, and one of the most daring and des
perate characters, was missing. I at once ordered one of the
guards to search through the woods and see if he was not hid
ing himself behind some rocks or brushes. But in a few min
utes he came back and reported that there was no sign what
ever of his whereabouts. So, giving to the guards a strict or
der to keep all the prisoners in one place together, I took along
with me one of the guards-, and went to search for the missing
man myself. After some search behind the rocks and trees, I
found, in some kind of a cave, the ball and chain broken off
from the foot; and just a few rods from the place where the
prisoner was crushing with a heavy hammer the rock-atones
for macadamizing the road, and undoubtedly with the very
same hammer, he knocked off the chain from his foot, as the
hammer was there, too, with some other implements which we
used in breaking the rocks.
Now, it could easily be seen that all this was a precon
ceived and well-arranged job to bring me into trouble. The
chain was very heavy and strong, and could not be broken
easily and quickly without making a noise, which would be
heard by many around, and especially by the guards. But
nobody knew, or they pretended not to know anything about
that affair; but the ball and chain were. there, and the man
non est. As the time was close to dinner, I formed my squad

CHANGE OF PLACE 55
and marched into the fort. Coming in, I reported the event to
the officer of the day, expecting to be plunged into a great
trouble. But, as the war was over, I suppose the authorities in
the fort did not care much about losing such a desperate fel
low as this prisoner was; and probably they saw, too, that this
thing was executed with the knowledge of many others, if not
all, except myself. So they did not press it to a formal inves
tigation, and the thing passed over. But, nevertheless, this af
fair made such an impression upon my mind that I lost the
equilibrium of my senses again, and for several days was so
sick at heart and mind that I was unable to perform any duty.
But when the trouble passed over in my mind, I resumed my
duties again.
A few weeks after this event there came rumors that Ma
jor G. Chapin, who was Fort-Commander at that time, had
been made Battalion-Commander, and all of us in the fort were
to constitute the nucleus of the Third Battalion, with Major
Chapin for our commander, and that we will soon leave the
fort and go somewhere else. In a short time there came an or
der to prepare for moving. Now, as I have said, the escape of
that prisoner severely unsettled my senses again, and I became
often conscious that I lost my accountability once in awhile
again. So the excitement of the preparations for moving in
creased this defect, and so much so that I became sick physi
cally and was compelled to go on the sick list; and after that
for the most of the time, I was at least half, if not fully, unac
countable. That morning when we left Fort Trumbull I was
almost totally unaccountable, and do not know at all when and
how we started. But, going through the city of New London,
I regained my senses and retained them till we came aboard a
steamer; and I remembered afterwards what I saw during that
time, as well in the streets of New London as on arriving
upon the deck of the steamer. But being on the vessel, in
a very short time I lost my memory or accountability

56 RECRUITING SERVICE
again, and do not know at all whereabout we passed, and what
was to be seen on the voyage. My senses returned to me
again when we were in barracks, and I was lying upon my
back in a bunk, in company with very many soldiers around
me. Trying to remember where about we went on our road
to these barracks, I could faintly recollect having seen sailing
vessels passing by and some buildings ashore which we passed
by, but all in such a nebulous and undefined shape as if it were
seen in a feverish dream. So, desiring to know where I was, I
asked the nearest to me where we were quartered, and was told
that we were upon an island (name I cannot remember) in New
York harbor.
After a few days on that island I was detailed on recruit
ing service. I was given three privates, and ordered to pro
ceed to New York city and report myself for duty, with the
three privates, as Recruiting Sergeant in the office of Captain
Foote. On this duty I Avas about six months, and when our
battalion was filled up sufficiently there came an order to
close up our business and shut up the office, and I was or
dered by Captain Foote to return with my three men to the
headquarters on the island. During this service in New York
nothing exceptional occurred, and seemingly all went smooth
ly and satisfactorily for Captain Foote, as I never heard from
him any harsh or cross words, as he was a very good man.
Returning to the island, I reported myself to the com
mander. Major Chapin, who told me to stay in the barracks
and await further orders. After a few days I was told that
Major Chapin wanted to see me, and I must report myself to
him immediately. Reporting myself to him. Major Chapin
told me that our battalion is ordered to go to San Francisco
Cal., and will start on the voyage in a few days; and, therefore,
he asks me if I want to be discharged, or remain in the ser
vice till my term of enlistment is expired, as the voyage will
take about one month on the ocean, and probably I would not

OFF TO CALIFORNIA 57
like to undergo the hardships of so long a sea travel, add
ing that if I want to be discharged I will receive my dis
charge on the morrow; but if I want to serve out my term of
enlistment nobody can force me to leave the service. I an
swered him that if it is possible for me to remain I would pre
fer to serve out my proper term, and have my discharge on
account of the expiration of my term of service rather than on
account of disability. To this the Major said that certainly I
can remain, but I must perform some kind of duty by which I
may be of some use in the service. I replied that I am ready
and willing to perform any duty he will assign me to, provid
ed I am able to perform it satisfactorily, as my knowledge of
English is yet a great obstacle. Then he told me to go back
to the barracks, and when he has found some duty for me to
perform he will send for me, and the next morning he sent for
me to report myself to him. So, coming to him, he told me
that he would appoint me to be an orderly to the commanding
officer of the battalion, and I would have to be on duty in full
dress every day around him, wherever he should be ordered by
the War Department to go with the battalion, asking me if I
felt able to perform that duty, to which I answered that I felt
able, and hoped to obey his orders and discharge my duty sat
isfactorily. Then he told me to prepare myself for the voyage,
as the battalion would start for California in two or three days,
and after I have made myself ready for the voyage to report
myself to him for duty in full dress. So, in accordance with
these orders, having made myself ready for moving, the next
morning I reported myself to him for duty. The baitalion
started in two days after this for New York city, and right
away went aboard of an ocean steamer for California; and dur
ing the whole trip, which lasted nearly a monch, I was every
day on duty around Major Chapin and constantly in his view
being always in the first-cabin passengers' part of the steamer.
On this voyage, as far as I am able to recollect, nothing excep-

58 December 10, 1865
tional happened; and on one of the first days of December,
1865, we came to San Francisco, and, landing there, went
straight oflf to the Presidio.
After our arrival in the Presidio I found out that my term
of service would expire on the 10th of December, 1865, the
very same month in which we came to California. So, on the
morning of the 10th of December, reporting myself, as usual,
to the Major, Gordon Chapin — now promoted to be Brevet-
Colonel of the United States Army — for duty as orderly, I
reported to him also that the term of my service expired that
very same morning. He was somewhat surprised, and asked
me if I was sure of that, to which I answered that the regi
mental books in the batallion office testified that it was so.
Then he said to me: "Well, you need not perform any duty
hereafter, and you may go to your quarters." But a few hours
after he sent his cook after me; and, on my reporting to him,
he told me that I was correct ; my term of service expired that
very morning. But if I wish to remain in the army I can do
so, and he will re-enlist me for three or five years longer, and
I can remain with him in the same duty as orderly as long as
I chose, to which I replied that it is against the military laws
to enlist a disabled man, and especially a one-armed man. He
answered: "That is correct; but I will write to General Hal
leck in Washington about this, and I am sure that I will re
ceive the permit from the War Department. I may rest assur
ed that my remaining in the service will be approved. And
besides that I would have the right to remain in the service as
long as I liked, and would be discharged at any time I should
apply.'' To this I replied that I cannot give a positive answer
right then, but must think it over. So he said: "All right;
but now, as your term of service has expired, the rations of
subsistence for you cannot be drawn any longer; hence, you
cannot take your meals at the barracks. But, as you cannot
live without food, so you may come every day at the meal-

January 10, 1866 59
time to my house, and eat and drink at my table, together with
the cook, page and the other servants," which I certainly ac
cepted with many thanks, and did go into his house nearly
every day till I received my discharge papers. During this
time, always when he chanced to see me, he inquired about my
resolution to remain in the service and around him; but I
could not give him a positive and final answer. So it went on
a whole month.
And on the morning of January 10, 1866, he sent for me,
and, at my coming to him, he said to me that they
, had received an order from the War Department by which the
battalion is ordered to be ready to start for Arizona on any day,
and he expects to receive an order to start in a very few days,
asking me if I will remain in the army and with him. Learn
ing this news, I told him positively that I cannot remain in
the service, as, if the battalion goes into the field, it will very
likely have to move from one place to another often, and that
would be but too hard for me to carry my things from one
place to another, and keep up with the troops in marching, to
which he said that I needn't be troubled on this account; my
things would be transported in the headquarters' wagons, and
I could ride in his family wagon, a large two-horse team which
he had bought for that purpose, to give proper accommodations
for his family and his servants. And, as my duty would be,
as heretofore, to be always around him, I would, of necessity,
have to ride in his wagon, and will not need to march with
the troops. I was very sorry, as he was a very good and kind
man — a gentleman in every way ; and as I could plainly see
that he was very desirous to retain me around him, I suppose
more on account of his two little sons who liked to be around
me; so I said that it was very hard for me to refuse the accept
ance of all his proffered advantages. But, as my resolution
was already fixed, I thanked him as well as I was able, and
told him that I could not accept his kind and generous prom-

60 discharged
ises and advantages, as it is too hard for me to remain any
longer in the military service, and I asked him for my dis
charge papers. He evidently was disappointed at my answer;
and, if he is yet among the living, and will have a chance to
read these depositions, I sincerely ask herewith his forgiveness
if I caused some pain to his feelings by my answer, but I could
not help it. I was unable to express myself in English, so, as
I wished to express myself; and to accept his proffer, and re
main in the service, it was nearly utterly impossible for me.
So he said to me to go into the Adjutant's office and ask for
my papers, telling the clerk in the office that Colonel Chapin
sent me after them, and to bring the papers to him for signing,
which I did that very moment. And when I brough t the papers
to him he once more ccunseled and advised me to remain; Imt,
as I finally told him the same reasons that prevented my further
remaining in the service, he signed the papers and handed them
to me. This happened on the 10th of January, 1866; and, as my
term of service expired on the 10th of December, 1865, so it is
to be seen that Colonel Chapin kept me around him, and
supplied me with food from his own table, just a full month.
Having received my papers, 1 went the very same morning to
San Francisco, found the Paymaster's office, and received my
money in full, and, according to my final statement papers,
from Colonel Fry. Then I went to a clothing-store close by,
and bought me a suit of citizen's clothes, as till that time I
continued to wear my military dress. After this I went back
to the Presidio after my few things left there, and also to bid
the officers farewell, and express my thankfulness to them for
their kind treatment of me, especially in the last months of
my being in the service. Colonel Chapin, as several other offi
cers, gave me very good private recommendations, all of which,
except a very long letter written by Captain Brown in the name
of all the officers of our regiment being at that time in the

recommendations 61
Presidio, and directed to General Miller, who was just then
appointed Collector of Customs in the port of San Francisco,
asking him to give me a situation in the Custom House, and
handed to me in an open envelope to carry to General Miller,
with the respects and greetings of all the officers then present;
except this letter, all the other recommendation papers I sa
credly preserved as mementoes to the very present day. These
last events dissolved my connection with the military service
for the whole remainder of my life.
I have gone into such an extensive and detailed description
of the last time of my being in the army with a two-fold pur
pose in view: (1) If anyone who was then with me will have
the opportunity to read these Depositions, he will testify to
the truthfulness of my words, at least as far as he is able to
recollect the circumstances here described, and as far as they
fell under his observation. And (2) that if anything of seem
ing truth was evolved from the accusations which to hear I
was subjected so often and so long as to my being "a rebel,"
'¦a traitor," "a coward," etc., so, by the treatment received by
me in the last months of my service, I could reasonably con
clude that if anything was committed by me wrong or crim
inal it was done unintentionally and in some state of mental
unaccountability, as the attests and recommendations, official
and private, given to me by the officers under whose eyes and
command I spent the last months of my being in the army,
and who were at the time of my discharge in the Presidio, San
Francisco, Cal., furnish ample proof and evidence. But, as
regards my own self, being fully aware and conscientiously
sure that I was in nowise guilty of deserving to be branded
by such epithets as above mentioned, I couldn't accept them
otherwise than as an insult hurled at me, 'with the intention
to plague me; and by keeping me in constant irritation and
anger to force and provoke me, if possible, to deeds of violence
and crime in revenge or retaliation for the insults received.

62 DEMON OF DRINK
But, though sometimes it was nearly unbearable; nevertheless,
keeping constantly in mind the command of our Saviour — to
forgive our enemies, and pray for them who calumniate and
injure us — arid in accordance with the petition in the Lord's
Prayer — "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors," etc.
— I never retaliated on any one; neither harbored secret hate
against any one of my insulters and abusers.
After a few days the battalion started for Arizona; and,
having seen them safely embark aboard a steamer, I bade them
my last farewell at the wharf, and returned to the place of my
lodging in a hotel on Pacific street. There were several more
discharged soldiers from our regiment, and a few from the
same company with me. As is always the case, being exceed
ingly happy at regaining our freedom of actions and choos-
ings, the "demon of drink" got the best of us. And, as I had
had the greatest cause to feel happy and lucky from receiving
my discharge, and thereby being set free from the dreadful and
constant anxiety of possible commitment of some grave blun
der through misunderstanding of orders from my superiors, I
naturally became so much the greater victim of that terrible
scourge — "drink." And only God knows how foolishly I con
ducted myself during the few weeks of my remaining at that
time in San Francisco. And probably many a one who knew
me at that time,. and became in some degree acquainted with
me, or in. some way became able to be an observer of my con
duct in San Francisco during the years of my second coming
to that city, in 1874, has wondered over the change in my con
duct and actions, remembering how it was at that time, and
how it is now. For the benefit of such, if there are any, I will
openly confess and humbly declare that this change was
brought about neither by. mine own personal strength. and vo
lition, nor by compulsion from outside my own self by others
who may have had somejContrpUingippwer to exercise over me.
No, indeed, :, This, nowise epuld be, brought about; with: sucha

BLESSED CHANGE 63
result. This change in my life-conduct and actions, as well as
my whole character, judgment and disposition, was brought
about gradually by the Blessed Saviour of mankind. And it
required only from my side, or on mine part, the full belief in
him, and submissive obedience to all his teachings and com
mandments as they are handed over to us in the Four Gospels
and Acts of the Apostles. This was the power and the fulcrum
which and on which my whole life turned around. So much
is it so that only some fifteen years ago I sometimes was so de- .
spondent and cast down as to be nearly able to take my own
life. But now, since that change was wrought in me by my
Saviour and God, as I shall describe further on, I am so con
tent, and happy, and satisfied that, if my life would last for a
hundred years yet, I would not wish to have anything more,
neither would aspire to anything of this world. It is often
repeated in print, "Peace that passeth all understanding." But
how many — or, oh, how few — fully experience and realize that
blessed condition which can come to man only and solely
through, and in consequence of, his voluntary and willing
obedience to the Word of God, expressed and explained in the
Four Gospels and in the Acts of Apostles ! How it comes will
be described further on.
Not being able to find any employment in San Francisco,
I concluded to go back to the East in company with some oth
er discharged soldiers who were, equally with me, unsuccess
ful in finding work. And, taking passage on the opposition
line steamer, the old and rickety Moses Taylor, in the last part
of February we started for Nicaragua; as the steamer could
not go to Panama on account of being in opposition to the
regular Pacific Mail Company; Passing through some hard
ships arid adventufeg, we crossed Nicaragua from Sari Juan del
Norte to Gray town, and from thence to New York. Iri that
city r remained' £^bdut two weeks; but, as I had no acquaiiit-
"ances or friends there; T went frbrii New York to New Haven,

64 EMPLOYMENT AND BIBLE READING
Conn., from whence I had gone into the army, and where I
had a few good friends. 1 was in New Haven but one week,
when, through some well-disposed German friends, I found
employment in the hardware factory of J. B. Sargent & Co.,
Mr. Sargent himself giving me the position of a day- watchman
on the premises. After a few months as watchman, Mr. Sar
gent asked me if I could stay in the factory office every Sun
day, from the time in the morning when the night-watchman
left the premises till the time in the evening when he came for
the stay over night. This duty I accepted, and, in conse
quence, I had to be in the factory every day in the week, and
from earliest dawn till late in the evening, so that I could see
the outside world only by gaslight. A few months after
this I was made a sworn city weigher and measurer. I had to
weigh or measure everything that came into the factory or
went out of jt. And, as I had to furnish legal certificates of
weight or measure, if required by the seller or deliver, I had
to keep certain books for that purpose. And this, in turn, fa
cilitated in some degree my speedier learning of English.
Now, as I had to stay in the factory office all day on Sun
day, except as once in a few hours I passed around through
all the buildings of the factory in order to see that everything
was all right and no danger from fires anywhere, I had too
much idle time in the office, and to use it profitably for learn
ing the English language I began to buy books for reading on
Sundays in the office. Having read a few secular books, I
concluded that it would be still more profitable to read the Bi
ble in the English language; and as I had read the Bible
through in several other languages in Russia, so reading it
now in English I could learn the English language still better
than from reading any other book, by remembering what I
had read and learned from reading the Bible in other lan
guages. So, concluding to buy a Bible after I had read
through the last book I was reading, it happened, the very

BOUGHT A BIBLE 65
same week, that a book agent came around canvassing for
subscriptions for Bibles. I subscribed for a large Bible ($12)
at once, asking him to deliver the Bible as soon as it was pos
sible for him — the sooner the better — settling with him the
conditions of payment for it in monthly installments. I re
ceived the book the next week. I would state here this truth,
that at the time I concluded to read the Bible in the office I
was actuated only by the desire to-learn the language and pass
the idle time profitably. But, after a few Sundays of constant
and attentive reading, it dawned upon my mind that my
reading the Bible is not only for the learning of English, but
it must inevitably result in far greater benefit to me than
knowledge of all languages combined. In my very beginning
to read the Bible I found in different places pretty distinct ex
planations of my indefinite visions which I had in the hospital
during the time when I was utterly lost to rational life and
mental capability, after my vision of the Almighty Jehovah ;
but, as those visions are in my memory only like dreams,
without definite connections with realities, so I will not de
scribe them, not being sure that they will be given correct and
true. But in other directions the reading of the Bible plunged
me into great perplexity and confusion, causing me often and
very intently to think and meditate over the visions and the
words of the Bible. For example, as I read the words in the
Old Testament, "No man can see God and live," and "No
man has seen God," etc., I was struck and confounded as to
what to believe. Shall I believe my own eyes and ears as I
had seen and heard in the hospital, "God the Father" and
"God the Son," or shall I believe the words of the Old Testa
ment of the Mosaic dispensation ? I could not repudiate
that which I had seen clearly with my natural eyes and in the
broad daylight; also I had heard distinctly the whisper into
my ear, which in nowise could proceed from human

66 BIBLE EXPLANATION
agency. But I was also averse to disbelieving the words
of the Bible. Hence praying, thinking, and constantly medi
tating about this mystery of diversity, at last gradually it
came down upon my mind the following explanation of it: In
our dispensation, and after the resurrection of our Saviour Je
sus Christ, he became God of the whole human race, as the
evangelist John says: "In the beginning was the Word, and
the Word was with God, and the Word was God," etc.; "and
the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us," etc. So also
the words of our Saviour testify: "I and my Father are one,"
etc. "Who sees me sees my Father"; "all power is given to me
in heaven and in earth," and many other passages. So, hav
ing become God of the heavens and earth, he appeared several
times to his apostles and other followers of him in the very
same body in which he lived among them, in which body he
was crucified and buried in the sepulcher, and which body
he resurrected from death by his own power of divinity, which
was inherent in him from the eternal Deity, or his Heavenly
Father, as his own words testify this too: "As the Father has
life in himself, so also has the Son life in himself ' ; "No man
taketh my life from me; I have the power to lay it down, and
have the power to take it up again," and many other verses.
So, as he appeared many times before his ascension, to the
apostles and other believers, in the same human body in which
he was living on earth, and as he ascended into the heavens in
the very same 'riuman body, and in full view of all his believ
ers and followers, since that time it became possible for God to
appear before the eyes of any human being in reality and in a
human form, if, by his infinite wisdom and mercy, he chooses
to reveal himself to a common mortal. Whereas, during the
Mosaic dispensation, no man could see God, as God was only
the Word, and became flesh and man only after the resurrec
tion of Christ, and in him. So it was the perfect trut'n that
"no man can see God and live," as it is in the Old Testament-

FURTHER EXPLANATION 67
and all the worthies of the Mosaic dispensation saw God only
in dreams, and obscurely, or else they saw angels in human
form as messengers sent to them from heaven, and they con
versed with the persons to whom they were sent down. Thus
the Scriptures of the Mosaic Dispensation are not in harmony,
in some features, with the Scriptures of the New Testament of
our Saviour, Lord and God himself, given by himself and
without the medium of another, as in the Old Testament,
through Moses, prophets, and seers. This the religious teach
ers ought to consider, but they do not.
Further on, reading the New Testament, in the "Sermon
on the Mount,'' the words of our Saviour, "Blessed are the
pure in heart, for they shall see God" struck my mind heavily.
For a considerable time I could not give me the account by
which I would be able to harmonize my vision of the Al
mighty Jehovah with the above words of the Saviour of the
world,' as in no way could I consider myself, even for a mo
ment, to be pure in heart. But it seemed to me that these
words of our Saviour implied the sense that only "the pure in
heart" can "see God." And I saw God, as it was whispered
into my ear that the human form which I saw floating in the
clouds was the "God-Father and God-Son." After a long
time of prayer and meditation about this, it was given me to
explain it in this way : I was utterly and positively innocent
of any such crime as would demand or justify the infliction of
capital punishment upon me; but I was very often subjected
to hear the gravest accusations which would justify the pun
ishment, and that this highest punishment would be imposed
upon me ; in consequence of which the idea Came into my mind
that probably the Almighty Providence demanded a special
sacrifice to be offered for the restoration of peace in this our
country, and the preservation of the republic. As I was walk
ing up and down in the hospital room on that Sunday morn
ing, and as it came to my mind that probably I was selected

68 "pure IN heart"
for that purpose; as I utterly did not know of committing
such a crime for which I must be shot, the vision of the Al
mighty "God- Father" and "God-Son" appeared just then, and
in the very moment when my firm resolution, which I mental
ly uttered to my own self, viz : "If I knew that by my death
the war would be ended, peace restored, and the republic pre
served ; if it is the will of God to bring about such sacrifice — if
I knew all this, I would willingly let myself be condemned
without any attempt on my part to prove myself innocent."
So, as I was innocent of committing such a crime, and was
willing to suffer the punishment for such a crime, and that
for the sole benefit of the country and the nation at large, I
was recognized as being "pure in heart" in that respect; and
this called out that sublime vision of the Universal Creator
and Ruler, and enabled me to behold it at that time. All of
these events were described above. Besides this there were
many other explanations conferred upon me by the study of
the Bible. Some of them will be stated and explained further
on and in their proper places, but to describe all would de
mand too much writing, and be almost impossible for me, so I
will mention only those which are more weighty, and can
give more benefit to mankind.
Now, I am obliged to state here, by the way, that, ever since
my coming into the factory of Messrs. Sargent & Co., I was
again subjected to all sorts of insult, abuse and persecution by
the workers in the factory. As I had to be at the gates al
ways so as to look out that no stranger should go into the fac
tory, and nothing should be carried out without permission
from the proper authorities, so at the time of coming to work,
and at the time of leaving the premises after quitting work, I
was constantly exposed to all kinds of insult and abuse. And,
as I had to look around the premises every day at noon-time
that no great damage should be perpetrated wantonly by the
boys and young fellows who remained on the premises during

ENDURES INSULTS 69
the noon-hour, having their dinner with them, so this, too,
augmented thair hatred to me, and also gave them more chances
to plague and abuse me. This was the more hard to bear, as
through constant hearing I became more able to understand
the English language; but having very little chance to speak,
I was very far behind with mine tongue in English; so much
was it so that always, when I began to tell them not to do cer
tain things because it was wrong, and entailed damage to the
Company, I was each time subjected to the greatest ridicule
and derision in consequence of my poor English. And to use
my tongue in the English language for defending myself against
abuse and insult was positively out of the question, as such an
attempt would, unquestionably, make the thing only worse
and intolerable; hence, I had to listen to everything and bury
it in my breast. But even this, instead of giving me some re
lief or amelioration in my suffering, rather encouraged all ill-
disposed towards me to augment and increase their insults and
abuse; as, probably, in my silent suffering and unresisting
submission to all their wrongs, they saw only fear on my part
to resist wrong, or revenge myself for insult and abuse. So, to
all the previous means of insult and abuse, they added the
benefit of cowardice to me. In these very often almost unbear
able conditions I remained over three years, during which time
I did as much as I could to acquire more knowledge of Eng-
glish so as to be able to look for some other occupation.
At last it went so far that I could not stand it any longer,
and I resolved to leave the factory. So one evening, going
home from the factory together with Mr. J. B. Sargent, I told
him, as far as I was able, all about my condition and suffer
ings, of which he, undoubtedly, was fully aware. And, hav
ing told him the abuses and insults I was subjected constantly
to suffer, I submitted to him that it was impossible for me to
stand it any longer. And therefore I resolved, because I am
compelled to leave his factory if he cannot give me some other

70 SUNDAY BIBLE READING
duty where I would not be so exposed to insults and abuses.
To his inquiry what I possibly could do, so as not to be in the
way of the laboring men, I told him that I was acquainted
with book-keeping, and that my progress in learning English
enabled me in some degree to undertake such work, provided
there were not grave or great responsibilities and trust, adding
that if he could give me such kind of work inside the office I
would remain with him; but if not then I am obliged to leave
his employment. To this he answered that he will seek to find
some such work for me, as he wished to keep me in his em
ploy all my life, if I would like it. And in a few days
after this conversation I was given a position to keep the books
of account of time of the mechanical employes and the ma
terials consumed, and had to work in the office.
Thus my condition had been slightly changed, but not
much, as in the office the majority of the assistants were young
men; and, if they did not openly insult me, they constantly
laughed at and ridiculed my English, and at any emergency
were conversing among themselves about me derisively. But
this I could bear tolerably ; hence, I never made any complaint
against them. And so I had to be in the office every day in
the week and the year. Every Sunday I read the Bible nearly
all day, and was not only reading, but, more properly to say,
was closely studying that Book of books. As Mr. Sargent
nearly every Sunday, either before noon or after noon, came
into the office to write letters, he saw me constantly reading
the Bible. And on one Sunday, coming into the office as usual,
and finding me closely reading the Bible, he, after the usual
words of greeting, said tome, "Mr. Petroff, it is hard to find
another such decent man as you are." And upon my inquiry
in what way I was so exemplary a man, he said: "Because I
may come at any time on Sunday here into the office, but it is
a sure thing that Iwill find you reading the Bible." To this
I told him that, in my opinion, the morality and decency does

STOP DRINKING 71
not reside in reading of the Bible, but in the obedient carry
ing out of the Bible's teachings and commandments in our
every-day life; without this all our reading and knowing of
the Bible will not only not benefit us, but will do positive in
jury. Upon that he laughed, but did not say anything more
on this subject.
Now, till this time I was accustomed to drink all kinds of
intoxicants^beer, wine, liquors and everything — and often
drank far more than I ought to permit myself to drink, and
especially on Sunday evenings, as I belonged to a German
Sanger Society, which held every Sunday night a family gath
ering for conversation, singing, dancing, and especially drink
ing, at which nights I drank sometimes too much. This, un
doubtedly, was communicated to Mr. Sargent ; and on one Sun
day, coming into the office, he began to give me advice in re
gard to my conduct, and especially excessive drinking of in
toxicants. He made this very polite and delicate, and more
like a good father to his wayward son than as an employer to
his employe. I inwardly admitted and consciously approved
all his words of advice and warning, but how to stop drinking
was the principal dilemma. If I continued to visit the Sun
day evening fctftivities, the stopping of drinking was absolutely
out of the question. I could not remember one single member of
the Society who did not drink more or less; so, being among
them, it was utterly impossible for me to abstain from drink
ing. But, on the other hand, recognizing the words of Mr.
Sargent as perfect truth, and for my own benefit, I was very
desirous to accept and follow his advice by quitting the drink
ing of intoxicants altogether. In consequence of this, and on
mature meditation and prayer, I concluded to discontinue my
visits to the "Society hall," and also the frequenting of sa
loons and other drinking resorts, to break up entirely. Now, I
did not tell any one single man about the words of advice of
Mr. Sargent, and nobody knew anything about it; hence, after

72 ABUSE
my discontinuing the visits to the Society, and ceasing to go
into saloons and other drinking-places, all, and especially the
Germans, concluded that, as I was now a sort of book-keeper,
I had become too proud to mix myself with "common mortals"
of the mechanic and laboring persuasion. And this raised a
perfect "bedlam" of abuse and insult upon me. As I never
revenged myself in any possible way, so only the "lame one"
did not give me a kick because he could not; but all others be
gan to persecute me to their hearts' content. So, to escape as
much as possible from persecution and pain, I resolved to
stay in my room in the evenings, and not go on the street at
all without an urgent necessity. So, every evening, after hav
ing had my supper, I went straight to my room, and stayed
at home reading books and newspapers every day in the week;
month, and year. Now, as every intelligent person can easily
understand, such a life cannot last very long: the whole day
and every day in the week in the office at work in writing and
figuring, then to come home and stay all the evening in the
room reading, with only the exercise of going to the office in
the morning, of going for dinner and back at noon, anti going
home in the evening; and in addition to this highly injurious
mode of life for the physical system, there were constantly in
flicted on me all kinds of insults and abuses, which kept me
in almost constant irritation and anger. I never could eat my
meals at such times when many were at the table with me,
and often had to leave the table without having eaten any
thing, except drinking one or two cups of coffee or tea. Now,
this condition of my life nearly brought back my mental
troubles experienced in the army life. I lost my sleep; and
as I am positively sure, because I counted the days and
nights, at one period of time I did not sleep for twenty-eight
consecutive nights, and was reduced to such a state that, as
soon as I began writing and figuring in the office, the sleepi
ness would overpower me to such an extent that the pen or
lead pencil would fall out of my fingers.

SICK 73
The first consequence of such a condition showed itself in
the closing of my bowels and the inability of the stomach to
digest. So much was it so that at that time, and it was in the
summer of 1869, my bowels never moved oftener than once in
three or four days, and very often once in five or six days;
and a few times it went so far that my bowels did not move
for eight days, and I was compelled, at such instances, to take
pills, which brought about the moving, but with such excruci-
ciating pains and cramps in the bowels that it was sometimes
almost impossible to stand. Afterwards came the constant or
every-day cramps in the stomach and bowels, just as I had
them in the field six years previous. But this time they came
oftener and oftener, and when the cramps attacked me there
was but one way to get rid of them, and that was dropping
the work to walk around fast, without sitting down before they
were over, which I always did either inside the factory or out
side in the fresh air. But the pains and cramps came oftener
and oftener, although I tried several kinds of patent medi
cine, and consulted doctors, but all with no good results; till,
at last, in 1874, it was increased to such an extent that I was
unable to sit ttill at reading or writing more than half an
hour at a time -without getting very bad cramps and pains in
my stomach and bowels, and I was almost unable to perform
my work in the office. At that time I was recommended to
apply for assistance to Dr. Wintshell, an American, and an ex
ceptionally fine and conscientious gentleman, who was doctor
and surgeon in the Northern army during the war for the Un
ion. ' After he was a few times to see me in my lodging, he ad
vised me to take more exercise at evenings and in the fresh
air, inviting me, at any time I would be disposed to do so, to
come to see him in the office at his residence, adding as a rea
son for that that he was very glad to have some conversation
about the field life during the war, as he had been in the field
himself, and liked to recall to memory as much as possible of

74 DR. wintshell's advice
the different events. This I did a few times; but as to talk in
English it was for me but too hard, and demanded from me
too great exertion of mental force: it made a great impression
upon my too weak stomach and bowels. So, one evening, be
ing in his office, I told him that I could hardly continue to
visit him, as each time, after my visit to him, I felt far more
pain in my stomach and bowels, and could not sleep nearly
all night. After thinking a few minutes, he told me: "I will
tell you the truth, not as a doctor but as a friend, that you
cannot recover your health as long as you remain in your
place and continue your occupation. I will do all I can for
you, but the medical science has no fixed means to eradicate
your troubles ; there is no medicine in our knowledge which
could give you permanent relief. You will constantly grow
worse and worse till all hope for recovery will be out of reach.
There is but one way by which you may regain you health so
far as to live yet for several years, and I will .tell you the
means if you will promise me not to tell anybody, and espe
cially a doctor, that I have told you. You may inquire of any
doctor about the correctness of this advice, but do not tell him
that I advised you to do it." Having received from me the
honest promise which he demanded, he said to me: "The way
and means are most simple, and all depends upon if you can
carry them out. That is, if you can live without work that de
mands constant and careful attention; and especially in
doors, as yours is. Then drop your occupation as soon as pos
sible. Go somewhere into the country, and into a region
which is hilly and mountainous, where you could go often up
hill and dbwn hill ; walk every day as much as you can with
out fatiguing yourself too much. Pass your time as well as
you can, be careful what you eat and what you drink, and es
pecially do not think about, and do not worry yourself about,
the world and the ugly doings of men. But live as quiet and
steady as it is possible for you; and only by such living, posi-

eighteen dollars a month 75
tively according to the laws of nature, can you yet recuperate
your health even so far as to be able to live for many years.
But if you will remain in your occupation, I can tell you in
advance that probably after but a few months you will be
ready for boxing-up, and for being stowed in the mother
earth. Believe me 1 And if you will accept my advice, and
will carry it out, you will surely see, in the future, the truth
of my words." I thanked him for his kind advice, and went
home; and since that time I never have been in his office
again. After this I thought often and much about this advice,
and how it would be possible for me to carry it out. But it
was evident, at least to me, that I had no means to carry it out.
My pension for the loss of my arm was only eighteen dollars
per month. From this eighteen dollars I had to lay aside five
dollars a month to pay the premium on my life-insurance
policy of one thousand dollars, to which I was persuaded by
others in the factory, insuring my life in 1872 for that sum,
and having to pay a premium of about sixty dollars a year, or
five dollars a month. Now, without any other income, this
would leave me but thirteen dollars a month of my pension.
And to live on that sum was out of the question altogether. I
had accumulated a few hundred dollars which I had deposited
for safe keeping with Mr. J. B. Sargent & Co. ; but this money
would not last me long, eepecially when I should be obliged to
have anything to do with doctors and apothecaries. So it was
for me as nearly a death by leaving my occupation as by re
maining in it. In this condition I remained about three
months, constantly going from bad to worse. At last I became
so bad that I could not, on an average, sit still at my work
more than half an hour at a time, and, indeed, had to spend
jn running around iso as to keep the cramps away almost two-
thirds of the working time; but for my life I could not help
it; as, notwithstanding this, I was often, so to say, doubled up

76 TWENTY-FOUR DOLLARS A MONTH
by the cramps and pain in my stomach and bowels, and had
to be carried home in a wagon, not being able to walk on the
street. At last my constant prayers were heard, and the Blessed
Saviour sent help to me. In September, 1874, I read in the
newspapers that our pension had been increased to twenty- four
dollars a month ; receiving this intelligence, I calculated that,
leaving five dollars a month for the payment of the policy
premium, I could yet have nineteen dollars a month of my
pension, which money, by strict economy, would probably carry
me through in living honestly as long as God will permit me
to live. So, sending my pension certificate to Washington for
exchange to the higher rate, I concluded to give up my occu
pation as soon as the new certificate of pension should be fur
nished to me. That new certificate I received in October. And
in the same month, having received my pension, I informed
Mr. Sargent of my intention to leave his employment. He,
evidently, was much astonished at this, as he several times in
previous years had told me that I need not be in any trouble
about my future, as I might be sure that I could stay in his
employ all my life, or, at least, as long as I choose to stay with
him. So he began to bring all and every possible means to
persuade me not to leave his employ, promising to give me
larger wages if I was not satisfied with those I received. But
I told him that, in regard to wages, I was perfectly satisfied,
and in nowise did I expect to receive more anywhere else. But
I am compelled to leave him on account of my inability to
work in consequence of the cramps and pain in my stomach
and bowels, which trouble, undoubtedly, is much augmented
by the insults and abuses I had constantly to suffer. I told
him all about the advice given to me by Doctor Wintshell, only
withholding the name of the doctor in fulfillment of my prom
ise given to Doctor Wintshell. He evidently was very much
affected and disappointed. And I was exceedingly sorry for

QUITS WORK 77
him, as he had lost his wife but a few weeks before, and was
left with a family of twelve children, the youngest of them
being a baby. But I could not do otherwise, as I felt but too
clearly that continuing there longer was nothing less than to
prepare myself to be "boxed up" ; and all this I explained to
Mr. Sargent, asking him to return to me the money which was
in his safe keeping, but which belonged to me ; this he did very
unwillingly, and only after he called from the factory a Ger
man contractor, by name Mr. Ruff, who, coming into the office,
and learning the case, exerted all he could to persuade me to
remain, to whom I was able in German to explain all the
causes which compelled me to leave. So, handing to me the
check for my money, he said to me that I should not fail to
write and notify him where I settled myself for living, and
how I got along. So I turned all my books and papers over to
the secretary of the company, Mr. Baldwin, and bid a good-
by to the only place in America where I have worked for
wages; as, till the time of this writing, nearly twelve years,
since then I am still utterly unable to accept any responsibil
ity of steady work on account of the pains in stomach and
bowels, and I have not any hope ever to be able.
Now, having quit all my connection with the factory, it
was the next thing to think about where to go. As I was in
San Francisco, Cal., before, and as I knew that that city was
of seventy mountains — in comparison with Rome of seven
hills — and that the climate there would give me the best op
portunity to carry out the advice of Dr. Wintshell, I con
cluded to go to California the second time. And, as I con
versed some time with one of my friends — an organist and
teacher of vocal and instrumental music — a German, with the
name F. Lust, about California, I told him that I had con
cluded to go to San Francisco again, and he expressed his de
sire to go, too. So, in haste, selling some things, and pack
ing up all we could carry along, we started for New York, and

78 goes to CALIFORNIA
in two days were going to Aspinwall on board the steamer
Colon. To describe the voyage is unnecessary, except to say
that I felt on water much better than I expected in my bad
condition of health; and the last part of November, 1874, we
landed in San Francisco, Cal.
After having carried, all our baggage to the hotel, the next
thing was to find private lodgings. My friend, Mr. Lust, made
some acquaintances in music stores (being a very good musi
cian), and I found a small furnished room in a private house
in the family of Mr. arid Mrs. Pike, 313 Taylor street, in which
house I lived nearly four years. And there, soon after having
properly arranged myself, I began to walk around every day,
and all day and evening. There was no rainy or stormy
weather bad enough to prevent me from leaving the house.
And, as it was just the beginning of the rain season when we
came to California, it was but too hard on me to be always
walking around outdoors. But there was no alternative. As
I was hardly able to sit still inside the house at all, so I had to
walk around outdoors almost the whole time when I was not
in bed. Then, also, I could eat but very little; I took one
meal at dinner-time in a restaurant for 25 cents a day, and
could not eat the half of what was given to me for that small
price; and for breakfast and supper 'I ate only bread -with
water in my room, the stomach being unable to digest anything
more, and I had not the least craving for anything better.
Now, in the rainy and stormy days I certainly had all that
I could do to protect myself with an umbrella; but in the
bright and sunny winter days I could employ my time with
some reading. I began to read the daily newspapers, but very
soon I got tired of such reading. I had preserved from my
life in the army, pocket New Testaments in English and in the
German languages, which are with me till the present day-.
Now, as I could not well understand the English, but could the
German, I began to carry in my pocket constantly the little

READS TESTAMENT 79
Testament in the German language. And, as my custom was
to go as far as I could into the suburbs outside the city proper,
I always did go either into the Golden Gate Park, which was
only in the embryo at that time, or into one of the cemeteries,
arriving in one of which places I always found a convenient
place to rest for half an hour, during which time I diligently
not only read, but studied, the New Testament, going through
it from the first page to the last many times, during which
reading, at every difficult passage, or any conspicuous verse or
command, I used to stop the reading, and meditated about that
saying or statement.
Then I concluded to change my common method of read
ing by opening the Testament at random, and beginning to
read there where mine eyes fell the first time at the opening
of the Book. Now, at the very first time and at the very first
morning when I began to open and read the Testament at ran
dom, in that morning opening my little book, mine eyes fell
upon Matthew xvii: 5, which reads, "This is my beloved Son,
in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him." Reading the Test
ament in the ordinary way, I had read this passage perhaps
more different times than any other passage, ' because it ap
peared to my mind always somewhat strange and incompre
hensible, just as many other passages containing the own
words of our Saviour ; but this time the above words struck my
mind in an entirely different way. It appeared to me that in
these words there was far more than we can see at the first
sight. So I began to read those words over agairi and again,
thinking and meditating upon them; and at last I stopped on
the words, "hear ye him." It was evident to me that these
words were the puzzle which troubled my mind, so I began to
dissect these words analytically in order to get the best under
standing of what they meant to convey to the reader. Doing
so, I remembered that it is quite the usual way for parents to
say to their children, "You niust hear me," which means just

80 PLEASANT TO OBEY.
as if it was said, "You must obey me" ; or, "You must do what
I say.'' It is a common thing, also, when children, having
come from school, begin to tell their father or mother about
the order and arrangements of their teacher; for the father or
mother, as the case may be, to tell their children, "You must
hear your teacher"; which means, "You must obey your teach
er"; or "hear ye him" — the teacher. All these expressions
meant to convey one and the same thing: "You must do that,
which is said by him, who is in authority."
Now, as the Almighty Jehovah, the I Am, proclaimed
from the clouds that Jesus of Nazareth, our God and Saviour,
is this "beloved Son, in whom I am, God-Father, well pleased,"
adding to this proclamation the peremptory command and
law, "hear ye him," which means nothing less than "obey ye
him"; or ".Do what he says" — what "his beloved Son" says
and commands. So it is positively self-evident that every one
who professes to believe in Christ as the true Messiah and
Saviour of the world must obey and carry out in every-day
life all the teachings and commandments of Christ, as they are
transmitted to us through the Four Gospels and partially
through the Acts of the Apostles — certainly as far as it is pos
sible for us to do so. Having come to this light, and recalling
to my memory many sayings and teachings of Christ himself,
as they are recorded in the Gospels, I came more and more
and at last, to the positive conclusion that unless man willing
ly and freely obeys Christ's teaching and commandments in
his every-day life, he cannot expect anything from Christ.
This is incontrovertible. Who can expect any reward for will
ful disobedience ? And no one, who is even slightly acquaint
ed with the teachings of the Bible, can deny that non-observ
ance of the gospel teachings and the commandments of Christ
is open disobedience to Christ, and at the same time open dis
obedience to the will and law of his Eternal Father "which is
in heaven," as he solemnly proclaimed on the Mount of Trans
figuration, to obey His beloved Son Christ.

OBEY AND UNDERSTAND " 81
After having arrived at this conclusion, I resolved to read
still more diligently the gospel teachings of our Saviour, and
noticing and remembering all his teachings and command
ments, to observe and obey them freely and willingly as far as
the world would allow me to do so. I must now confess here
openly that, in the beginning of this, noticing carefully all his
¦ teachings, and especially the so-called "Sermon on the Mount,"
it appeared to me that no man could follow and obey that;
but afterwards, gradually, the more I was anxious to follow
and obey his teachings and commandments the easier it be
came for me to follow and obey them. And after a few months
of steady perseverance in obeying his gospel teachings, it be
came for me not only easy and light to carry them out in my
every-day life, but I gradually began to feel positive pleasure
to follow his gospel teachings and commandments, and at the
same time I became more and more averse to doing such
things or acts as are contrary to his teachings.
And what was the greatest consequence from this conduct
of mine in regard to obedience to him and to his teachings
and commandments ? This: The more I strove and exerted
myself to follow his teachings and obey his commandments, as
I found them recorded in the Four Gospels and Acts of the
Apostles, as also in some degree in the Apostolic Epistles, the
more and more I began to comprehend by heart the Saviour's
teachings and commandments. Before that, I understood
them only intellectually, just as a man understands any and
every other reading of science or knowledge; but, at this stage
of my progress, I began gradually to comprehend the inner
worth and value of his gospel teachings, which is in the moral
and physical benefit to him who begins to obey his command
ments and observe his gospel teachings. And then I became
more and more fully aware of the stupendous truth of his
words, viz.: "My doctrine is not mine, but his (Father's) that
sent me." If any man will do his (Father's) will, he shall
know of the doctrine, whether it be of God or whether I speak

82 WITH BISHOP NESTOR
of myself." (St. John vii: 16, 17.) Now, as the will of his
Eternal Father "that sent him" was expressed on the Mount
of Transfiguration (quoted above), and consisted in the com
mand to "hear," to "obey," to "follow" his belov
ed Son Jesus Christ, so obeying Christ's commandments
and observing his teachings as they are given to us in the Four
Gospels and the Acts, man does "the will of his Father,
which sent him' ' into the world to teach and redeem mankind,
and thereby acquires the grace to be enlightened from above
and "know of the doctrine."
And I had but too ample opportunity to verify the truth
fulness of these words of his. As the Archbishop of the Greek-
Russian Church, Nestor, with whom I was nearly a year in
the capacity of private secretary, and whom I had to help in
translating sermons of the most distinguished teachers, from
the Russian language into English (to be delivered in the
Greek-Russian Church by him in English), and at which work
I had opportunity to find often such words and teachings that
were positively contrary to the gospel teachings of Christ him
self; so, as I had, at every such instance, expressed my opinion
that this teaching was incorrect, Bishop Nestor always at
such times demanded from me explanation and proof that the
teaching in that sermon was erroneous. And, to satisfy him,
and advance the gospel teachings of Christ at the same time, I
explained everything according to the gospel teachings of
Christ himself, and quoted Christ's own words for proof, from
the Gospels; and on one such occasion he listened to my
explanations with exceptional attention. When I had finish
ed my explanations, he fell backwards in his large easy-chair
with the exclamation and a deep sigh, "0 God Almighty,
how wonderful 1 how wonderful I" Being in some degree sur
prised by his words, I asked him, "Your Eminence, may I ask
you what is so wonderful to you ?" To which he answered
"It is most wonderful to me how well you understand the
Scriptures."

TALK WITH A PRIEST 83
Now, these were words spoken by a church prelate who at
tained almost the highest degree of eminence in the Greek-
Russian church, and whose greatest delight and pastime was
in reading and studying the writings of the fathers, reading
the Bible, and intermittent delivery of prayers. But he ex
pressed the profoundest wonder about my knowledge of the
Scriptures. And here I may add this — that before I began to
go into the Russian church, and became acquainted with him,
I was not in any church for nearly twenty years, neither was
I a reader of any religious journal or paper ; but all that knowl
edge came simply by reading the New Testament, and through
obedient following of the Saviour's gospel teachings, and car
rying out his commandments in my every-day life.
On another occasion one of the priests of the Russian
church, having come to see me in my humble place of living,
sitting and conversing about the Scriptural teachings, and
about the different teachings of the respective church denom
inations of the Christian religion, he said to me: "If I will not
be too inquisitive, hence impolite, I wish to ask you where
you received your education and such diverse knowledge ? "
Not knowing the cause and aim of this inquiry, I imitated the
Saviour in giving his answer to the Scribes and Pharisees, who
liked to know by what authority he performed his works and
doings, and answered him by a contra- inquiry thus : "If it will
not look presumptuous, hence impolite, I would wish to know
the motive and reason of your inquiry," to which he said: "I
am more than a good deal interested to know where about or in
what institution you acquired such knowledge of the Scriptural
teachings which you exhibit in conversation ? " Accepting it
in some degree as flattering, I laughed and answered in some
jocular way, "In a Russian theological seminary. " This
brought a laugh on his part, and then he said: "No, that
cannot be. I was educated and graduated in the best theologi
cal seminary in Russia, and after graduating from the semi-

84 Explains the bible
nary I went through the theological academy, and know per
fectly well how and what these institutions teach and instruct;
it is entirely different from your knowledge." Then I saw fit
to satisfy his desire, and told him thus: "If you sincerely and
indeed believe in Christ as your God and Saviour, you must
unquestionaTDly believe in the words and sayings recorded in
the Four Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles as his (Christ's)
own words. Then, if you believe in all his words as coming
from our Eternal Father and the Creator of all ('mine doctrine
is not mine, but his who sent me,' his Eternal Father), you will
find there and then that he says ; Who will do the will of my
Father which is in heaven, he shall know of my doctrine,' etc. ;
this gives us incontrovertible proof, provided we believe sin
cerely in his words that there is a way and means by which
we can arrive at far superior knowledge of the Scriptural teach
ings than by means of man's theological-seminary education.
Now, he says that Who will do the will of my Father,' etc. —
this means 'who will' obey and carry out in every-day life the
words of command and law of his Father — 'shall know of my
doctrine' ; and in the same Gospels of Christ you will find the
will and the law of his and our Eternal Father, pron,ounced on
the 'Mount of Transfiguration' in the following words: 'This
is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.'
The words 'hear ye him' mean 'obey ye him,' or 'do all he
says' ; this no believer can deny. Hence, it is clearly evident
that we must obey and observe everything and all which he
teaches in the Four Gospels and the Acts, and do this in obedi
ence to his command to 'observe all things whatsoever I
(Christ) have commanded you,' etc. (Matt, xxviii: 20.) There^
fore, if we follow his teachings and obey his command-
merits, as we find them recorded and transmitted to • us in the
Four Gospels and the Acts as, his own words, we, 'shall' and we
will 'kno'w his doctrine,' his teachings, far better than we can
acquire that knowledge by means of human education.. All

OBEY AND KNOW 85
human education goes into man through the intellect. But
this education comes from the 'uncreated light' — the Saviour's
own Spirit of 'light and life' — which operates upon the heart
of man, and man becomes able to perceive the, truth with his
heart, and then communicate his discovery to the intellect,
which, in its turn, stores it away in the faculty called 'the mem
ory,' and preserves it for future use. This is what the Apostle
Paul expresses in his Epistle, saying, 'Spiritual things are dis
cerned spiritually,' and not by mental or intellectual com
munication from other human beings. Now, as I have for
several }''ears past, and till now, striven to obey his (the
Saviour's) teachings and commandments, and that in obedi
ence to his last command before his ascension (Matt, xxviii :
20), and without caring much what the different Christian (?)
churches teach and demand to obey; so, in positive accordance
with his promise (to know his doctrine), I receive more and
more light upon the Scriptural teachings from him, and
through his Spirit of light and life. 'My words are Spirit, and
they are life," says the Blessed Saviour. That is the cause and
the whole secret why I know the Scriptural teachings quite
different than all you great theologians and public instructors
know and understand them. That this is a naked truth every
one can find out for himself; all he has to do is this: (1) To
believe sincerely that the Saviour of the world, Jesus Christ, is
the Eternal Father (Jehovah, I Am) himself, having lived in
human flesh and form among men on earth. Before his in
carnation and glorification, God was only a Spirit, known to
man only by the word 'God' ; but after his life, passion, resur
rection and the glorification of his body, and his ascension
with that body into the realms of eternal life, God became
known to man not only by word, but by a glorified human
form in Christ Jesus; (2) believing in him as the Universal
Creator and Ruler (St. John i: 1, 2, 3, 4, 14), as well as the
Saviour of mankind, believe also that all the words which are

86

OBEY AND KNOW

recorded in the New Testament are his own teachings and com
mandments, indeed; (3) believing in the first and second
points as a matter of unquestionable necessity, observe all his
teachings, and obey all his commandments (as they are given
to us in the New Testament), and there is no doubt whatever
that every such one will attain to the same knowledge of the
Scriptures, and probably far greater, than I possess. That is
all I can tell you now.'' Having satisfied his curiosity, and
probably having received some new views upon the Scriptures,
we conversed for awhile longer, and then he departed.

CHAPTER III
This conversation, and that with- the Archbishop Nestor,
happened in 1880 and 1881; but we have to go back in our
description to 1876. Now, as it was said previously, I con
tinued to walk around outdoors every day from early morning,
and every evening till bed-time. And I may add here that it
is exceedingly wonderful to me how I could stand all that, as
many an evening, in the winter season, during the heaviest
rainstorm and wind, I came home all wet and muddy outside,
and wet to the bone inside from perspiration, and so wet and
so weak and cast down that I had a very faint hope to leave my
bed on the next morning. And very often, also, in the morn
ing I felt almost even more tired than I was the preceding
evening. But there came always some shining and clear days,
when I was able to resume my reading of the New Testament,
and this gave me powerful help and stimulus for recuperation.
And in my room at home I spent about two hours every day in
fervent prayer, which practice I continue till the very present
day. So passed the year 1875. And in the summer of 1876 I
began to feel somewhat better, as I could sit a little longer at
a time, and the cramps and pain in the bowels were not so
severe as they were before, and so I could sit still longer at a
time, and was enabled to read and study the teachings of our
Saviour so much better. And as I diligently strove to follow
his teachings, and obey his commandments in my intercourse
and actions towards my fellow-men in my every-day life, I per
ceptibly and consciously could see my progress in understand
ing the gospel teachings.- And the more I strove to follow and

05 AN EVENING IN SEPTEMBER
obey his teachings and commandments, the more rapidly I be
gan to comprehend them.
One evening in September, 1876 (the date I cannot re
member), I came home as usual about 9 p. m. Meeting in the
hall Mrs. Pike and her oldest daughter. Miss Annie, I conversed
with them a few minutes, and then went to the second floor
into my room. I occupied a very little room, with one window
to the street and eastward — so small a room that the bedstead
took more than half the space in the room; and the bed stood
with the foot-board close to the window; hence, lying in bed,
my face and eyes were towards the window and eastward, and
the window had outside blinds and inside shades, and the room
had but one door opening to the stair gangway. So, coming
into the room, and lighting a candle (as I did not use the gas),
I, as usual, closed securely first the blinds, and then, shutting
the window, pulled down the shade. Then, undressing myself,
I sat awhile in meditation and contemplation about everything
I had done and spoken on that day, to see if I haven't done
anything against the Commandments, or even the teachings of
our Saviour. Then, after having rested awhile in ihat way, I
undressed myself finally, performed my evening prayer as
usual, and putting out the candle went to bed. The room was
pitch dark, so that not the least idea was there to see anything.
As the past day and evening were of very fine weather, I was
less tired than usual, and did not feel very sleepy. So, lying
upon my back, with my eyes wide open, but not seeing the
least thing in the room, I began to recall to my memory some
prayers in the Russian language, and mentally prayed, repeat
ing them. Doing this, my eyes, all at once, were attracted
by something shining, having appeared about above the win
dow. Looking at that spot closely, I saw distinctly that it
slowly took the form of a perfect circle, having the size, of
about one foot in diameter, and the hoop itself about two
inches broad; it was a bright yellow qr golden color, emitting

A VISION 89
from itself a little shine (nimbus) inside and outside of the
circle. It appeared in perfect shape, and recognizable above
my feet and not far from the ceiling, just about five feet above
my body (as far as I was able to judge in that darkness), and
moved very slowly along the whole length of my outstretched
body; and, having come straight above my head, it became
stationary, and remaining in that place for several seconds, if
not minutes, it finally disappeared. Now, being somewhat
surprised with this phenomenal appearance, and thinking
closely about what could possibly produce such an appearance,
my eyes were again attracted to another bright spot which ap
peared apparently in the very same place as the former. This
time that bright spot resolved into a perfect form of a bird,
somewhat smaller than a dove. I could distinctly see the head
with outstretched neck, outstretched wings and tail, as of a
flying dove; but neither head and neck, nor the wings or tail,
were in motion. And, just as it became in all outlines the form
of a bird, it began to float slowly above my body towards my
head, just in the same way as the bright circle did; but the
head, neck, wings and tail remained without motion. Then,
coming just above my head, and in the very same place where
the circle disappeared, it stopped to float; and, remaining
awhile stationary, as the circle did, it finally disappeared also.
Here I am obliged to deviate again from the proper line
of description, in order to give a better understanding of the
following events. In all these twelve years, since the vision
in the dispensary in 1864 (as described above) till this time in
1876, I very often was thinking about the following: All
Christian churches teach the trinity of the Godhead as con
sisting of three persons in one God. In this I was instructed
from my childhood. Now, in my vision in the hospital dis
pensary in 1864 I saw with open eyes and in broad daylight
one majestic human form, which, at the very same time,
through the mysterious whisper into my ear, I was informed

90 THAT NIGHT
was the "God-Father" and "God-Son" ; so I have seen two per
sons of the Trinity, and that in one human form. But, ac
cording to the teachings of the Christian churches there re
mains yet one (the third) person of the Holy Trinity, the per
son of the Holy Ghost. So, each time I was thinking and
meditating about this, I always asked myself mentally. Will
I ever attain the favor and grace to know this mystery by see
ing the person of the Holy Ghost ? But I must add here that
on this evening I did not think about this at all; neither can I
recollect of having meditated about this during that same day.
Now, just after the vision of that shining golden ring, and
right after it of the form of a bird of the same color and bright
ness, it struck my mind that this appearance is the Holy
Ghost (Spirit). I affirm here that this was not said to me so
as to be heard by the natural organ of hearing (ear); but it
was impressed upon my mind so powerfully and real that I
was at once almost positively convinced that it was the Holy
Spirit indeed. As this idea impressed itself upon my mind,
in the greatest haste I jumped out of my bed, and falling
upon my knees I began to pray. Then, after but a few min^
utes of ray prayer, I began to feel heat by my whole body, as
if a great fire was near me, or as if I was in hot water or in
steam. After that my whole body began to perspire, and with
such an unnatural perspiration that it is for me utterly im
possible to describe adequately. I can say only that the
tears ran out of my eyes as they never did before, and the wa
ter of perspiration ran down my whole body as if it was pour
ed over my head, and in a very few minutes all my clothes I
had on — two shirts and drawers — were wet as if I came from
out the water, and I began to feel chilly; and so quick came
the change frora intense heat, which caused that unnatural
perspiration, to a chilling cold, that in a very few seconds I
was shaking with chill and could not pray any longer. So I
ceased to pray, and raising rayself up I intended to light ray

THE MORNING 91
candle so as to be able to change the wet clothes I had on for
dry ones ; but I was so trerabling from the chill that I was ut
terly unable to find the matches. So, in haste again, I jump
ed into my bed, and covered myself all over my head, and
having done so, in a very few seconds I fell asleep, and into
such a deep and sound sleep that I cannot remember of having
slept so sound ever before or after that night. As long as I
can recall to raeraory, all my life I had, and have now, to get up
several tiraes during the night for n.atural purposes; but this
night I never woke up one single time, and it seeraed to rae
that I slept the whole night -without even once raoving from
one side of the body upon the other. But, awaking in the
morning, and far later than I usually rose up, I found rayself
literally as if in a pool of water. Not only my shirts and
drawers, but even all the bed clothes were wet, as if they were
all night exposed outdoors under a heavy fog or dew. And,
as it was not warm in the room, when I got out of ray bed I
visibly noticed some kind of steam rising up from ray bed
clothes and frora my own clothes I had on when I rolled up
the window shade. So, as quick as I could, I took out dry
clothes, and taking off the wet ones put on the dry. Then I
went through my usual morning work and performance, not
feeling in the least anything unusual in myself, except, prob
ably, it seeraed to rae that I felt soraewhat easier than usual,
which I attributed that time to the exceptionally sound sleep
and nightly rest. So, performing my morning prayers as usu
al, and having taken my luxurious breakfast of bread and wa
ter, after which I felt much stronger and refreshed, I dressed
myself up and went out for a walk as usual. But as soon as I
came out the front door on the street, I felt consciously and
visibly a radical and complete change in my mental condition,
and it was so great and strange that I was involuntarily cora
pelled to remain for some time standing motionless at the
door, looking around the street in all directions.

92 VERY WEAK
Now, I had lived in this house nearly two years at that
time, and had passed along the street several tiraes every day,
so that every house, tree, fence, and all other objects were to
me as farailiar as even the objects in ray own room. But now, '
looking across the street, along the street to the right and to
the left, every object which fell under my sight looked, entire
ly and positively different from its appearance to my eyes be
fore. I was astounded to such a degree that I remained in
one place for several minutes, looking around the street and at
my own self, wondering what was the matter with the street,
my eyes, or ray senses. As was stated previously, I lived at
that time at 313 Taylor street, between O'Farrell and Ellis
streets, and ray usual custom was to go along Ellis street at
least to "Van Ness avenue, if not further, as at that time, above
"Van Ness avenue, .EUis street was in a rough condition, and
had but few decent houses. So, on that raorning, after the
first Impression of wonder had somewhat subsided, I started
towards the corner of Ellis street, and then, turning to the
right, proceeded along that street towards "Van Ness. As I
looked on both sides of that street going along, I saw clearly
that Ellis street was in the same bad fix as Taylor street; ev-
erj'thing on that street was just as much different as every ob
ject on Taylor street. But this was not all. Very soon I be
gan to be aware that my physical condition underwent some
kind of change also. The first thing I noticed was that I be
gan to feel tired passing just a few blocks only, when before
that morning I could walk four times as far without feeling
fatigued so much as I did on that morning. And it was so
far that, just passing "Van Ness avenue, and coming to large
vacant lots on both sides of Ellis street, I went into the vacant
field, and seeing a large stone or rock I sat down to take a rest.
Then I was as tired as if I had walked several hours already,
although I was not more than half an hour on the street.
Now, as was stated previously, I had carried in my pock-

SOMEWHAT BETTER 93
et every day a small pocket New Testament in the Gerraan
language for reading; so, on this morning, I had that little
Book of books with me also. And, having sat down on that
rock, I took out my little Testaraent and opened it for reading ;
but, to ray greater surprise, I could not read either. That is,
I could read, but for ray life I could not collect my senses so
far as to be able to understand what I read. I tried to read
in several different places, opening the Testaraent at random,
but to no change whatever. I could not understand what I
read, hence it was utterly useless to read. Then, resting my
self for awhile, I started again to walk further, but, in a short
tirae began to feel fatigued again; and, at the same time, I be
gan raore and raore to be aware that I was very unsteady upon
ray legs. I walked nearly as unsteady as a child that has
shortly begun to walk alone; and, as at least it appeared to me
afterwards, I was looking at everything with such innocent
wonder and curiosity as does a little child that comes out on
the street in the morning. So I walked all day, having to
rest myself far oftener than usual, and feeling constantly far
more tired than any day before; and, although, trying to read
the Testament several times, I could not succeed in under
standing what I read. In the afternoon I came home, and, as
I found ray roora in nearly the sarae condition and aspect as I
found everything outdoors — that is, everything looked in some
way different, as it did not look before — I began to fear that my
senses were giving way from their normal condition ; so I be
gan to pray, but could not perform that in a proper way eith
er. At my walk in the evening I could not perceive so much
difference in the appearance of the objects I saw, but I became
tired and worn out far sooner than on any evening previous,
though the weather was calm and lovely. So I returned home
earlier than usual, and went to bed right after perforraing ray
evening prayers, which were, to myself, unsatisfactory also.
The next morning I felt a little more strong, but coming
out on the street I beheld the same chaos and confusion which

94 MENTALLY BETTER
presented itself to my sight the previous morning. But at
this tirae it was somewhat less surprising, and I did not stop
long to scrutinize things I looked at, but went ray way to
walk around, just keeping a sharp notice how steady or un
steady I was in my walking; and pretty soon I became aware
that ray unsteadiness of yesterday did continue to-day. And
at the first opportunity to sit down to take some rest I tried
to read ray little Testament, but with just the same effect as
on the previous day; and I began to be discouraged more and
more, not knowing the cause of such a phenomenal change in
ray condition. Coming home that afternoon still more alarm
ed about losing my senses, I concluded to make a trial by
writing a half sheet of free and random composition, intend
ing to read it the next day ; and I put that paper into the bu
reau drawer. But, instead of reading it the next day, I forgot
all about it, and found that paper only some two weeks after
wards ; and I forgot it so completely that when I found it I
wondered what it contained, but reading it I gradually recol
lected that I had written it myself, and on the second after
noon of my troubled condition. The evening passed about
the same as the previous one, only I could walk around still
less than the former evening.
The third morning did not bring any change for the bet
ter; but it seemed to me that I gradually grew still weaker
and more unsteady in walking. That afternoon, going still
around, I began to notice sorae change in my mental condition.
The objects under my eyes began to shape themselves into a
more normal aspect; and I began to be more conscious about
where I was and what I saw. So passed that afternoon and
evening. The next (fourtri) morning, coming out on the street,
I right away vividly noticed a great change for the better. The
whole street looked nearly as usual, and I experienced a great
deal of comfort. But, going around, I soon became aware that
the mental improvement seemed at the expense of the physical,

MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY BETTER 95
as I felt even more weak than on the previous three days, and
I became tired still sooner. Sitting down to rest, I took out
ray pocket Testament ; and, to try my ability to read, I opened
the cover and began to read the title page. But it did not go
satisfactorily, 'as I could not yet collect ray senses suffi
ciently to understand what I read. The next (fifth) morning
I felt better yet mentally, but not physically, as I was even
more weak on my legs, and shaky, than the other day, and
could walk around but very little. And, oh, howl was thank
ful to my Saviour that on these days the weather was moder
ate and calm, without any heavy winds or gales, as they are
almost constantly blowing in San Francisco 1 I was pretty sure
that I could not keep upon my feet in any considerable strong
wind, and it seeraed to me that any boy could cause me to
tumble down by giving me a hard push. On the sixth day I
found a radical change in me ; the streets and all other objects
looked as normal and usual as they appeared to me before this
trouble, and I felt a good deal stronger and steadier in walk
ing. In the afternoon of that day I raet on Mason street my
friend, the teacher of music, Mr. Lust, with whom I came to
California. After having conversed awhile I told him that I
felt a strange weakness in my legs, so much so that, walking
around, sometiraes I felt so unsteady as if I was intoxicated,
at which he laughed, but did not say anything ; and it appear
ed to me as if he had in mind that it was the result of liquor,
after all. But I must affirm here positively that at that time
of my life I did not drink one single drop of intoxicants for
several months before and after. But, as he did not say any
thing about that, so I did not feel any necessity to speak any
more about it, and soon we parted. That was but one single
occasion, in which I mentioned so much about my condition
at that time; and so passed still three days more, till I became
fully strong and normal mentally and physically. But on
these three days I could not read the Testament yet, although
I tried to read every day, but always without any success.

96 A TEXT HAS NEW MEANING
Now, on the ninth day, coraing out on the street, I felt
myself almost as a new raan, or a man who had become fully
recovered from a serious sickness. As, since my troubles be
gan, for nine consecutive days I was utterly unable to go so
far as the cemeteries; so that morning, feeling myself strong
and norraal, I concluded to go to the Laurel Hill Ceraetery, as
I had done so often before. Coming there, and to my custora
ary place of rest, I sat down, and took out ray German pocket
New Testaraent. As I said before, my custora was to read
the Testament at random; that is, opening it, to begin to read
just there where the eyes fell upon, and then proceed further.
So, without any preconceived idea whatever, opening the Tes
tament, my eyes fell upon John v : iii — "Jesus answered. Verily,
verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of water and of
the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdora of God." As I
read these words, ray mind was struck in some strange man
ner, although I had read these words many times before, and
thev were not new to me; yet this time they seemed to contain
in themselves soraething unusual, and I felt some kind of alarm
or uneasiness. Then I continued to read further : "That which
is born of the flesh is flesh ; and that which is born of the Spirit
is spirit,'' and "Marvel not that I said unto thee. Ye must be
born again." Now, as I read these lines through, I becarae so
strangely disturbed and agitated that I could not read any
further. Hence, I began to think and raeditate about these
words of our Saviour. Then all at once it burst upon ray
raind the whole event of ray experiences and condition of the
last nine days — the vision in the evening; the overpowering
heat, and through that heat the unnatural perspiration, which
caused me to becorae wet all over, as if I emerged out of the
water ; and also caused rae, on awakening the next raorning,
to find rayself in bed as having been exposed all night under
rain or heavy fog, all bed-clothes, and those I had on, being
wet and darap as having been in water ; then the strange men-

HEART KNOWLEDGE 97
tal and physical condition during the several days after that
night, when many a time it seemed to me that I was mentally
and physically in an utterly childish condition. All these cir
cumstances and events passing quickly through ray raind
somewhat bewildered me. But, then, right away I remem
bered the words of John the Baptist: "I, indeed, baptize you
with water unto repentance; but he that cometh after rae is
mightier than I — he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost
and with fire" (Matt, iii: 11; Luke iii: 10; Mark i: 8). And
thinking about these words of John, in connection with my
last vision and experiences, it became to my mind even more
clear and comprehensible than it would be if it was ex
plained to me by any human words and comparisons that all
rriy experiences of these last days was nothing less than the
realization of these words of our Saviour and of John the
Baptist. And afterwards, reading the New Testament, in raany
other passages I was confirraed in this conclusion so far that I
became fully convinced of it.
Now, after this I began to read the New Testament, and
especially the Four Gospels of our Saviour's teachings, with
still closer attention; and the more attentively I read the own
words of instruction of our Saviour, the more I got the desire
to observe his teachings, and obey his comraandraents in all
my doings and conduct of every-day life. And the raore I
observed and carried out his teachings and coraraandraents in
ray every-day life, the more I advanced and progressed in com
prehending the teachings of the Scriptures by heart; and this
in addition to my previous understanding of them by ray
head alone. This was the whole secret which puzzled sorae of
the teachers of the Christian religion (as was stated above), how
and whereabout I acquired my knowledge of the Scriptural
teachings. So, the raore I advanced in comprehending the
Scriptures, the more I became able to see and perceive the sub
lime truth contained in the words recorded as the own words

98 DO AND KNOW
of God, the Saviour, Jesus Christ. It gradually dawned upon
my mind, and became clear and comprehensible, in what way
the words of our Saviour — viz.: "If any man will do his
(Father's) will, he shall know of the doctrine" ( his teachings),
etc. (St. John vii: l7.) And, as it was made clear to me also
that the will of his and our Heavenly Father was expressed
on the Mount of Transfiguration from out the clouds — viz.,
"Hear ye hira," his "beloved Son," Jesus Christ (Matt, xvii:
5; Mark ix: 7; Luke ix: 35)— so it is undeniable to any and
every believer in hira that all a Christian, as a follower of
Christ, has to do is to know Christ's teachings and command
ments ; and, having acquired that knowledge, to observe and
obey his teachings and commandments. Doing that, the
Saviour himself, by means of his Holy Spirit (the "Com
forter," the "Spirit of Truth"), will be the Instructor and
Leader of such a believer in him.
And here is where the "faith" which is "saving faith"
comes in. He who observes all his teachings, and obeys his
coraraandraents, proves by his deeds and actions that he be
lieves in Christ and has full faith in him ; then no man will
conscientiously observe Christ's teachings and obey all his com.
mandments who does not believe in him. On the other hand,
he who professes ever so rauch his belief in Christ and his
faith in Christ, but violates Christ's teachings and coraraand
ments, voluntarily and wantonly proves by his own deeds and
actions that he does not have any faith in Christ at all; or he
is falsely instructed by his religious teacher (as so many
churches teach indeed) that all man needs is to have faith in
Christ and he will be saved. This is positively and utterly
contrary to all the teachings of Christ himself, and of all
his apostles also. And, indeed, such teaching does not consti
tute religious teaching at all, as religion is solely for the pur
pose to change the life and actions of man from living and
acting by his own sweet will and desire to living and acting in

HEBREWS AND CHRISTIANS 99
conformity with the will and law of his Creator and Saviour.
But who will change his life and actions if he has been assured
that he will inherit eternal life and happiness by only pro
fessing his belief and faith in Christ with words, without
proving his faith by obedient observance of Christ's teachings
and commandments ? Such a thing is nothing more than
childish expectation. And that is the sole cause that there is
no visible difference between a Christian church member and
a Hebrew. And many of the last are even far better members
of society than very many of the first.
So I continued to walk around for improving my health
every day; and at each resting-place continued to read my
little New Testament, with the principal aim to learn more of
that which he commands us to do and observe, and of that which
he forbids us to commit. And the consequence of this was
that the more I learned of his will and law, the more I becarae
desirous to obey and observe his teachings; and the raore I
compelled myself to obey his teachings and commandments,
the easier and lighter the observance of them became for rae.
Thus, advancing and progressing gradually, I soon became
aware that my inner disposition, desires, inclinations, and ray
character in general, underwent a radical change, and a change
decidedly for the better ; and so much it went so that it became
a positive pleasure for rae to do as much as I possibly could
of deeds in conformity with the gospel teachings, and abstain
from all that the Gospels forbid. And so I went along without
any remarkable event till 1879.

CHAPTER IV.
In August, or September, of 1879, 1 chanced to read in
the paper. Evening Post, a long article, in which was described
the services in the Greek-Russian church in San Francisco, lo
cated on Greenwich street, between Stockton and Dupont.
Never having had any opportunity to meet a Russian in San
Francisco, I was somewhat surprised to learn that here was a
Russian church. So, taking careful note about the place, I
concluded the very next Lord's Day to go there to find that
church, and see for myself how much of a Russian church it
was. Accordingly, on the next Sunday morning I went out
there, found the church, and attended the services (mass), and
to say, by the way, the first time after nearly twenty years
since I left Russia. In the same article of the Evening Post it
was said that a new bishop was coming from Russia for this
diocese; so, after the mass was over, going out, I inquired of
the sexton if the bishop has corae, and received the answer
that he has arrived in New York, but how soon he will be here
nobody knew for certain. So, leaving the church, I resolved
to visit it every Sunday as far as it will be possible for me, and
at any opportunity to become acquainted with the priests, as
I was acquainted with many in Russia.
Thus I began to visit a place of worship again after some
twenty years of interval; and every Lord's Day I was in the
church I inquired about the expected arrival of the newly -
appointed Bishop, as I felt but too deep longings to find a man
with sufficiently acute belief and faith in our Saviour, Jesus
Christ, and in the Scriptural teachings, to warrant a confidence
and surety not to use it injuriously to the cause »f the Re-

ANXIOUSLY EXPECTS THE BISHOP 101
deemer, if I confided or imparted to him the visions which I
had seen, the words I had heard not from human inouth, and
the experiences I had lived and received during the last years
since 1876. Then, I must add here, ever since the time of my
first vision in the hospital in 1864, very often I felt but too
strong a desire and deep longing to coraraunicate it to some
one else. And only the fear of God as to my revealing this
secret very easily, that it might be taken in a perverted sense,
and used for injury to the religion of Christ and his work of
redemption, constrained me to hold the secret concealed; and
not infrequently I had to. brace up all my moral and mental
strength not to betray the secret even unintentionally. And
for that purpose I was so impatient about the arrival of the
Bishop, naturally expecting to find in him such a person as I
was desirous to find for my purpose — more likely in him than
in any other ecclesiast here in Araerica.
A few weeks after my beginning to visit the c'hurch, one
Sunday morning, coming to hear the mass, I was informed by
the sexton, Rasloff, that the Bishop has arrived, and is in the
altar, behind the screens ; and if I wish to become acquainted
with him, I may do so after the services are over. So, after
the mass, I remained in the church, waiting for his coming
out. After giving him time to exchange words with some
others, who reraained, like rae, to see him, I, in my turn, ap
proached him and introduced myself to hira. Seeing that I
had but one arm, he asked me how I lost the other; and as I
told hira that I had lost it in the war for the Union of States
in 1864, he said that he was in 1863 in New York harbor with
the Russian -Esquadre, under the comraand of Adrairal Lyszow-
sky, was acquainted with very many Americans, and saw sev
eral of them this time in New York. He conversed with me
until he got tired standing in one place, and excused himself
on that acount ; he asked my proraise to come to see him as
soon as he had moved from the hotel, where he was staying

102 MEETS THE BISHOP
temporarily, into a permanent residence. And on the next
Sunday he handed to me his address card, telling me that'he
needed to speak more to me, and wished to see me in his resi
dence as soon as it is possible for me. So in the same week I
visited him in his house at 1311 Taylor street, and became not
only acquainted, but, as far as it is possible in such different
positions of life, becarae closely befriended. I found out that
he was born and educated in St. Petersburg, too; and I was
acquainted and in friendly relations with two of his cousins,
and knew his uncle, General Baron Zass. He told me, also,
that he served his monastic apprenticeship in a branch monas
tery, only three miles outside of St. Petersburg, under the
guidance and instruction of a venerable friar monk. Father
Paisey, whom I knew also, as I very often was in that monas
tery for attending a liturgy, and was also acquainted with some
monks. Then he told me that he intended to translate from
a book in the Russian language into English, sermons of the
most eminent Russian divines, to deliver them in the church
in the English language, as very many Greeks and Slavonians
did not understand Russian; but all, more or less, understood
English. "But this work," he said, "he was unable to do
alone, as he knew but very little of the English language."
He knew, besides Russian, perfectly well French, some Ger
man, Slavonian, Greek and Latin, but very little of the Eng
lish ; so he desired to know if I could help him out in this dif
ficulty. Having explained to hira my condition of health, or
rather sickness, I told him that if the work would not neces
sitate me to sit very long at a tirae, and if my inadequate
knowledge of English would be of any help to him, I would
cheerfully lend my feeble help in this dilemraa. Then he said
to rae that he wished to engage rae as his private secretary, as
he was receiving many letters from Protestant clergymen, and
other persons, in the English language, all of which he was
unable to answer, and he would like to have me to answer

BECOMES PEIVATE SECRETARY 103
them. Besides that, he had in his house a few sons of priests
from Alaska, whom he placed in the public school for educa
tion, and which boys could not understand a word of English;
so he wished me to give them lessons in English, as far as I
could, to enable them so much sooner to understand their
teachers in the school. All this I accepted to fulfill as far as
my constitution would permit, and riiy own poor knowledge
of English would enable me. Then he asked me how much I
would wish to receive as remuneration for my work and trouble,
to which I answered that I was perfectly willing and ready to
do all that without any pecuniary recompense whatever. To
this he replied that he in nowise can accept so much work
without paying for it, as his raeans are incomparably larger
than my means. I had confessed to hira already that I was
compelled, in consequence of my sickness, to live on my pen
sion of $24 a month alone. So he said if I would feel satis
fied, he would gladly pay me $25 a month for ray work for
hira. This I certainly accepted with thanks; and, having
settled all other details, as, at what tirae and in what days of
the week to come to him, I left hira, and after a few days be
gan ray work in his house, and continued this duty for nearly
ten raonths, coraing to hira three, four and sometimes five times
in a week, which was for me very often not an easy thing to
perform, as I was unable to sit so long without exercise in the
fresh air.
Now, coming to him so often, and in the capacity of a
private secretary, I had the best opportunity to see and judge
for myself about the degree of his knowledge, belief and faith
in the Scriptures and the teachings of our Saviour. Translat
ing the sermons from a large book in the Russian language,
delivered at different times by the greatest teachers of the
Greek-Russian church, I often came across sorae teachings that
were grossly in disharmony, and not infrequently in positive
contradiction, to the teachings of our Saviour, as these teach-

104 DISCORDANT TEACHING
ings and commandments of him are handed to the world by
the apostles. And so I began to call his attention to these dis
cordant teachings. And, as he always could not see any un
truth in them, 1 had to quote to him the very words of our
Saviour from the Gospels, and explain to him the proper appli
cation of these words of Christ to man's every-day life. Then,
seeing that I was right, judging by the words of the Gospels,
he always consented that the teachings in the sermon were
erroneous, but said that he wished to translate and deliver the
sermons just as they are in the original; and so it was done
and left without any correction. Now this state of things hap
pened with every sermon that we translated, and in many ser
mons the errors were but too frequent and gross. I could give
many instances of such discussions and explanations, but it
will take too rauch tirae and space to describe them. But, for
the benefit of my fellow-men that seek for raore truth and
light, I will describe here one notable conversation, which is
more instructive than others.
One morning, being occupied with translating a serraon, I
asked hira: "Your erainence, I wish to ask you about some
thing in order to know if I ara correct or not.' ' "What is it ? "
said he. To which I answered : "I have asserted always that
every word of teaching and commandment that the Saviour
spoke to his disciples, the apostles, he, in the very same raan
ner, speaks to every individual of the whole huraan race;
whoever will have the opportunity to read them frora the Tes
taraent, or hear them spoken by another man. Is it correct
or erroneous ? " I asked. "It is perfectly correct; if we read
his words in the Gospels or in the Acts of the Apostles, we
must consider them as being spoken to ourselves,' ' he answered-
Then I asked him ; "Is it, therefore, unquestionable that we
are bound to obey and observe everything which he adraon
ishes, deraands and coraraands us to obey and observe ? " To
this he answered, "This is perfectly correct, too." After this

ASKS THE BISHOP A QUESTION 105
I opened the New Testament, and read to him the following :
"And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying. All power is
given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye, therefore, and
teach all nations^" etc. "Teaching them to observe all things
whatsoever I have commanded you," etc. Having read this
last coramand of our Saviour (Matt, xxviii: 18, 19, 20), I told
him : ' 'Now, your eminence, I desire to ask you is there any de
nomination of the Christian religion in the world that obeys this
coramand of ourSaviour — the greatest of all coraraands in the
Bible,because it covers all his Messianic work on ear th— by teach
ing 'all things whatsoever' he has taught and coraraanded ?" To
this question there came no reply ; but, with a sigh, he fell into
meditation. Seeing his perplexity, I told him: "Your emi
nence, I do not need an answer to this question; I know that
there are none, and know, too, that, as there is no church that
teaches all that Christ commanded to teach, there is no nation,
neither any community, in the world that conducts its affairs
in conformity with the teachings and commandments of our
Saviour. Hence, there is no true Christianity in the world;
only here and there some isolated individuals that strive to
conduct their lives and actions, as rauch as it is possible for
them, in accordance with the gospel teachings and coraraand
raents of Christ; and this not in consequence of the teachings
of the church to which they belong, because the church does
not teach that at all, but solely by and through the awaken
ing of their individual conscience by close reading of the gos
pel teachings of Christ. I know it perfectly well that no bishop
or priest, either in the Greek Catholic or in the Roman Catholic
church, dare to obey this command of Christ; as the forraer
has in the person of the Czar of Russia, and the latter in the
person of the Pope of Rome, a far greater and severer raaster
than Jesus of Nazareth; and the Protestant ministers of the
gospel (?) in the monarchical countries to a great extent cannot
obey this command of our Saviour either, as the monarchical

106 THE CHURCH TEACHES ONLY IN PART
system of civil governraent is positively anti-Christian, the
teachings of Christ being pure heavenly deraocracy. But how
is it in this country of universal freedom, where the civil gov
ernment is established in conformity with the gospel teachings
of Christ himself ? I do not say this for the accusation of any
one, but solely for the benefit of those concerned. As the evan
gelists' record in the Gospels, the own words of our Saviour
are fearfully close of application in regard to this matter."
To all this the Bishop gave no answer; neither expressed any
opinion of his own. Discussions and conversations of such a
character we had nearly every time when occupied with the
translation of the sermons. And, undoubtedly, these conver
sations and explanations of the gospel teachings and command
ments of Christ brought out from his bosom the exclamation
of wonder — described in some place previously — that I under
stood so reraarkably well the Scriptures. It is of little use to
raention here any more of our conversations about the Bible
teachings. I will state here only that the more I became ac
quainted with him, the more I saw his deep belief in the
Scriptures, but only such a belief and faith as, in some de
gree, I had possessed before my above-described regeneration-
But, nevertheless, his belief and faith in the Saviour of the
world was far greater and profounder than I ever had discerned
in any other ecclesiast, whether in Catholic or Protestant de-
norainations. Now, I ara obliged to deviate sorae frora ray proper course
of deposition. Ever since I recovered frora my sickness and
came out from the hospital in 1864, always when I raeditated
about the sublirae vision of "God-Father and God-son,'; I felt
a profoundly deep and strong desire to reveal it to somebody
else. But, each time feeling that desire, I felt at the same
time sorae kind of fear and shudder, lest the revealing of ray
vision will be taken and explained in such a way as to pro
duce far more harra than good for the religion of Christ and

WHY VISIONS NOT REVEALED 107
the cause of the world's Redeemer. Hence, every tirae I sup
pressed my desire in the hope to meet, some time in the fu
ture, a person with sufficiently deep belief in the Scriptures
and profound faith in the Saviour as to warrant the confidence
of receiving this secret, and this is the answer and explana
tion of that question, propounded in the "Introduction" to
these Depositions, viz. : Why these "Visions" were not given
to the world by the writer of this during his life on earth, but
only after he has passed away from here ? Now, if the desire
was but too great before, it becarae incomparably greater and
stronger after my experienced regeneration^my baptisra by
the Holy Spirit and new birth — which carae to pass in 1876,
and was fully described above. And it demanded from me al
most superhuman force and power of will not to betray any
thing of these secrets during ray discussions and conversa
tions with the Bishop about the Scriptures and the work of
our Saviour. So the raore closely I becarae acquainted with
Bishop Nestor (his narae), and the raore I discerned his con
scientious belief in the Scriptures and faith in our Saviour,
the more I began to think that he was the proper person to
whom I could reveal and confide ray "Visions" and experi
ence of regeneration, which events, in the natural way and
order, reveal and prove the sublime truth of the words of our
Saviour recorded in the Gospels. And, therefore, I began seri
ously to think about how and at what time would be the
raost proper and expedient occasion to reveal all to hira. Con
stantly contemplating about that, I carae to the conclusion
that the proper tirae for it would be at a regular confession, as
the Greek-Russian Catholic Church has ear-confession just as
the Roraan Catholic Church has; and, according to the church
laws and ordinances, every raeraber of the church has to con
fess his sins and receive the Holy Sacrament of Eucharisty at
least once in a year, if not oftener. And I resolved to ask
Bishop Nestor to be my confessor, saying to him in advance

108 WILL REVEAL TO THE BISHOP
that I have to reveal sorae events which, in no ways, can I
confide to any other clergyman, and that is the cause and rea
son that I take the liberty to ask him to be my confessor;
thinking that the revealing of the above described events at
such a soleran tirae, so to say, before the face of the Creator
and Saviour himself, would be the least likely to be taken as
a fiction, or even a cunning device to promote one's own per
sonal aims and ends. And at the sarae time I could ask from-
hira a raore soleran and honest promise not to reveal it to any
body else, except for the benefit and furtherance of the relig
ion of Christ and his teachings; and even then, without raen-
tioning my narae in connection with it. Now, I raust confess
here, also, that I had not been to confession for nearly forty
years, as I did not, and do not now, -believe that a priest has
the power to forgive sins. This power belongs only to the Su
prerae Power or Deity, and can be specially coraraunicated to
any raortal who will prove himself worthy of possessing such
power-; but not every one who has graduated from any human
institution and become capable to be a religious teacher to oth
ers can be a recipient of such power, conferred upon him by
other mortals like hiraself. This is too rauch for me. And
this circumstance I intended to use, also, as a reason for troub
ling him to be ray confessor.
So passed the tirae in our work and conversation and dis
cussion till the Lenten fast carae in the year 1880, at which
tirae, at least once in a year, every one has to perform the work
of repentance by attending the church services twice in a day
for a whole week; or, at least for three days. Then to go to
confession, and the next raorning to partake the sacraraent of
the Holy Supper. This obligation Bishop Nestor always per
formed with great solemnity and on the first week of the Lent-
And this he perforraed in the first lenten week in 1880 as usu
al. That Lord's day, after the raass, as usual coraing forth to
meet and converse with him, I congratulated him with the

VISITS THE BISHOP 109
partaking of the Holy Sacrament, afid after a few words- he in
vited me to come with him to his house for dinner; and if
there was nothing to prevent me he would be pleased to have
me go with him in his carriage. Accepting his invitation, I
went with hira to his house on Taylor street. During the din
ner he informed me that he intended soon to go to Alaska and
the Aleutian Islands for the inspection of the churches there,
and would be absent for two or probably for three months. On
my inquiry how soon he will go, he said that he is not sure
yet, but probably the next week or the week after the next.
This communication affected me very much, as it crossed my
intention of revealing my secrets described above; inasrauch
as in the course of the several months of his absence anything
can happen with me or even with him; and even so far that
he will not return at all. So I said to myself, if anything has
to be done it must be done speedily.
This happened on the Lord's day (Sunday), and on the
next Tuesday morning, coming to him for work as usual, dur
ing our work I asked him if he had fixed for sure the tirae of
his departure for Alaska, to which he replied that he had
made all necessary arrangements for going the next week, as
the steamer leaves for Alaska on that week. This was a still
greater blow for me; apd I suppose it was betrayed by my
face, as he several times looked into my face with some syra
pathetic wonder, but did not ask the reason of it. Probably
he ascribed the depressed expression of my face to the loss of
the moriey which would come from his absence — money which
I received from him for ray work for hira; but the real cause
was very different. Having finished our work for that day, I
went around for exercise as usual, at the same tirae contera-
plating seriously and deeply how to arrange it better for him
and for me. Doing so, I arrived at the positive conclusion
that it would be the best thing to tell hira ray intention of ask
ing him to be my confessor before his going away, at my first

110 PRAYING FGR MORE LIGHT
or next visit to his house, which would have to come on the
next Thursday. And, for that purpose, I had to call to mem
ory all the circumstances of the respective events more cor
rectly and definitely, in order not to admit any doubt or sus
picion of my revelations as being fictitious, or as being put up
and invented for some personal aims and ends.
So that very evening, coming home after my usual even
ing's walk, I performed ray evening prayers as usual, and went
to bed about 10 o'clock. I lived to that time at 210 O'Farrell
street, renting a small furnished roora on the first floor, and
with but one window, from Mrs. Graham. It was a front room,
and the window looked upon 0 Farrell street, and beneath the
room was a low cellar, where they kept some wood for the
kitchen stove. Behind, or in the rear of my room, was the
sleeping-chamber of -Mr. and Mrs. Grahara, divided from my
room by a thin partition, and the partition so light that when
they were talking in that room in a usual way it could be dis
tinctly heard in my roora. My bed was standing with trie
head -board against that partition, and with the side on the out
side wall. In that corner, and just above the bed's head-board,
were hanging several likenesses of the Saviour and the Virgin^
and also a crucifix, sorae of thera on the partition and the
others on the outside wall, the sarae which I have till the pres
ent day. Now, when I went to bed, lying upon my back, I be
gan to think, and made some strenuous exertions to recall to
my memory raore connected circumstances which happened in
connection with the visions, in order to explain and describe
them more clearly at confession, resolving to speak about my
desire to have him to be my confessor at the next time I will
be in the house of Bishop Nestor, and, at the same time, pray
ing mentally for more light and guidance from above how to
arrange the whole affair better and smoother. Then I heard
Mr. and Mrs. Graham coming into their sleeping-room, and
heg,rd them conversing for awhile; then they ceased to talk

RECALLS VISIONS IN BED 111
and all became still and quiet. So, continuing to think and
recall to my memory all the particulars of the previously de
scribed visions and experiences, I gradually began to formu
late in my mind how to describe them more, and better con
nected, to the Bishop at the confession. Then, all at once, I
heard a pretty sharp and heavy knock from beneath, as if it
were an earthquake shock, and so strong and heavy that the
partition behind the bed's head-board and the outside wall on
my left side were distinctly trerabling, causing the pictures
and the crucifix, hanging in the corner above my head, to rat
tle, all of which I heard distinctly. And more than that; in
the very moraent when I heard the shock from beneath, I felt
distinctly also that my mattress was a little lifted up under
rae as if by a sudden and a very powerful pressure of air from
beneath, causing the mattress suddenly to be a little
lifted up and make a distinct pressure upon my
back, as I was lying flat on my back, with the face towards
the window. Waiting a few seconds for a possible repetition
of the same, or any sound or noise frora outside, and, not hear
ing anything, I got up from ray bed and went to the window;
and, drawing the window-shade aside, I looked on the street
in every direction as far as I could, but no living being was to
be seen on the street, and no commotion or disturbance what
ever. Remaining for a few seconds sitting at the window, and
not perceiving any life or motion on the street, I returned to my
bed; and a few minutes after this I heard again Mr. and Mrs.
Graham talking one to another, which gave rae the proof that
they were not asleep when I heard the shock; so I decided to
ask them the next day if they heard that shock, and what they
could make out of it.
This event scattered my thought so completely that after
it I could not collect my mind upon the subject I was think
ing about before it; so, soon after that, I fell asleep, and did
not hear anything more. On the next morning, meeting Mrs.

112 AN EARTHQUAKE SHOCK APPARENTLY
Grahara in the hall, I asked her if they had heard the earth
quake shock after they were in their sleeping-roora, as I knew
they were not asleep at that time, because I heard them con
versing before and after the shock. She answered that they
did not hear any disturbance at all, and that, probably, I was
asleep and dreamed it. But, being perfectly sure that I was
fully awake and in full consciousness, and was thinking and
arranging in my mind how better to reveal my visions and ex
periences at confession, it was to me but too strange and in
comprehensible how it possibly could be, and what it meant,
and how to understand this event. So, going out that morn
ing as usual for my daily exercise, I began seriously to think
and contemplate about the affair; and the raore I contera
plated about it, the raore I could see that it was no ordinary
earthquake shock, as such a shock could not produce a pressure
of air frora beneath through the floor; and such a pressure I
felt distinctly upon by body, as if the mattress under me was
somewhat lifted up by a powerful air action from beneath-
Turning all this over and over in ray mind, I carae to the
conclusion that it raust contain sorae special sign for me, as
two persons in such close proximity to rae did not hear any
thing of it, although the knock was so powerful that the out
side wall and the inside partition were shaken by that knock
to such a degree that the pictures which were hanging above
my head had rattled. All this I heard distinctly. Now, as at
that time, I was contemplating about the confession, and ex
erted myself to some degree to reraeraber more clearly all the
circumstances pertaining and connected with the "visions" I
have had, and this for the purpose of revealing them to Bish
op Nestor, when that shock startled me and scattered all my
thoughts so far that I was utterly unable to collect them again
for further raeditation, it appeared to me that this shock was
nothing less than a warning for me not" to reveal my secrets,
as possibly it may prove in the further, injury to the "religion

WROTE VISIONS IN RUSSIAN 113
of Christ" and the belief and faith in him. In this idea I was
soon fully convinced, and so far as to be nearly sure that it
was so. Hence, I sternly resolved not to reveal my secrets
and not to go to confession. And so, the next time coming to
Bishop Nestor, I did not let anything out about my intention ;
neither said to him or to anybody else anything about these
circumstances. •
So Bishop Nestor went to Alaska, and I had again the
whole time for my reading the Bible and meditation about
the gospel teachings of our Saviour; as also for meditation
about my "Visions" and "experiences." But my conscience
was, very often, somewhat disturbed by the thought that, as I
resolved positively and finally not to reveal the "Visions" and
my "experiences" to anybody, and, therefore, dropped the
wish to find a mortal to whom I could safely confide them, it
seemed to me wrong to carry these "secrets" with me, and
bury them in the earth with my body without giving them to
the world, so that no one of my fellow-beings might be benefit
ed by them, and strengthened more in the belief in the Script
ures and in the teachings and faith of our Saviour.
Thinking often about all these, I at last resolved to write
them down on paper in the Russian language ; and having se
curely sealed it up in an envelope, to give the package for safe
keeping to Bishop Nestor, asking hira for the favor to pre
serve it without opening till my death. And after my death^
also without opening it himself, to forward it to the Holy Syn
od of St. Petersburg, Russia, accompanied by a writing from
himself with the explanation from whom it is and what it
contains; being in hope that Bishop Nestor will do all this
as I desire, if I will entrust it to him as my last wish and
testament. So, fixing this idea in my mind, I began to write
down everything I saw, heard, experienced, etc., and after
wards arranged it properly, writing it over as well as I could ;
and that in the Russian language, and kept it securely till
the return of Bishop Nestor from Alaska.

.114 WRITING KEPT. FROM THE BISHOP
This, then, was the principal cause why this was not re
vealed by the writer during his life on earth, and which was
but for the strengthening of the opinion entertained by him
heretofore. After a few months' absence Bishop Nestor returned to
San Francisco, and I resumed my work with hira again, but
did not tell hira anything about ray writings, waiting for
sorae more developments that would, give rae more assurance
and security for intrusting to his care and safe-keeping my
written "ante-mortera confession," as I named those writings
in Russian. But in a short tirae after the Bishop's return,
there came grave quarrels and altercations among the clergy
of the church in San Francisco who were under his imraedi
ate control and supervision, with very grave charges and acr
cusations against some of thera. This, Bishop Nestor, as the
superior authority over the church personally, had to decide,
and .adjust everything in conformity "with the laws and impar
tial justice. But he proved himself to be inadequate for the
occasion, as his extreme goodness and love of peace and friendly
relations towards every one and all raade hira almost childish
weak; so much it was so that he was utterly unable to reproach
or reprimand even the deacon, far less a priest, for any unbe
coming action or words. And this weakness of the Bishop
served but as an encourageraent to the refractory clericals to
do raore mischief. Seeing all that, and often giving him ad
vice how to settle the difficulty so as to be neither against the
laws of man nor derogatory to justice and the laws of God, I
always received the reply that he "cannot do that" ; he is "un
able to tell any man to the face that his actions are 'wrong.''
Now, seeing in Bishop Nestor such weakness of character and
inability to act in conformity with his rank, and title, and
position of authority, etc., I began to perceive that he was. not a
proper person to whora I could intrust my "Depositions."
Moreover, as raany a tirae I had the papers in my pocket, be-

CEASED ATTENDING THE CHURCH 115
ing. in his house, and only waited for a good chance to speak
and deliver them, to him, but every time there came some
thing or other that diverted my intention from doing so, I
concluded that it is against the will of my Saviour to leave
the "Depositions" in the hands of Bishop Nestor; and it sub
sequently proved to be so. Two years after that time he went
to Alaska and the Aleutian Islands for the inspection of the
churches, as usual, but never came back to San Francisco, as
he drowned himself ten railes off the island of St. Paul, in the
Aleutian Archipelago, during his return voyage. And as all
his effects and books were subsequently sold at auction, there
is no telling what would have become of my writings, if they
had been intrusted to hira. A few raonths afterwards, becom
ing worse in my health again, and having to witness rauch
quarreling and aniraosity between the clergy and others, I
gave up ray work as his helper, and he ceased to deliver ser
mons in English, but requested the priests to deliver sermons
in Russian. So the "ante-mortera confession," written in the
¦ Russian language, reraained with rae ; but as they were written
very short, only the principal events and circumstances con
nected with the "Visions," as also the "Visions" themselves,
having now written the present "Depositions" in English, and
as complete as I could, the writing in the Russian becoraes
nearly useless; nevertheless I will preserve it for any eraer
gency. Now, when I left Bishop Nestor (to say, by the way, to
his utter chagrin and discorafiture) I ceased to go into the
church also, and for two reasons: Firstly, not to see poor Bish
op Nestor, whom I loved and respected ever so much; and sec
ondly, not to come into contact .with those persons that pro
duced all the quarrels and disturbances in the church. And
since that time I was never one single time in the church. But
this fact does not disturb the peace of ray conscience in the
least degree, as I told the Bishop at the tirae of my leaving

116 REASONS FOR HEART-SORENESS
him that I preferred to follow the teachings and to obey the
commandments of my Saviour far more than to obey the laws
of man and church ordinances (in conformity with the words
of the Apostles Peter and John, in Acts of Apostles iv: 19);
so I will pray at home, as I did before I found the churchi
which duty I conscientiously performed, and do continue to
perform till the present day. So I severed my connection
with the church, and be,<=;an to live again just as I did for so
many years before. And since that time nothing particular
has happened to me, and no particular experience in my phys
ical or mental condition ensued, except that in many and in
very different ways have I had the inexpressible blessing to
perceive clearly and vividly that my prayers and petitions are
heard, and almost without exception are answered to my full
satisfaction and desire. Also, that constantly more and more
I experience the increase of inner peace and good-will and
wish towards all my fellow-beings; and only the following
three causes disturb my inner equanimity, and produce a good
deal of pain and heart-soreness, namely: First, to see so much
injustice and wrong perpetrated by men upon one another;
second, to "see so many crippled and blind begging for means
to support their physical life, as they are unable to procure it
by the work of their own arms and muscles; third, to see
clearly and plainly that the teachings of the Christian religion
are performed incorrectly, and not so at all as it ought to be
done. The Christian religion is the religion of Christ, and the
religion of Christ is contained in the words, the teachings
and commandments of Christ himself. That is, in the princi
ples and doctrines recorded in the Gospels as the own words
of our Saviour. From these words principally should be the
whole teaching of the Christian religion, and not from the Old
Testament, as that Testament belongs to the Mosaic Dispensa
tion, which was superseded by the Gospel Dispensation of
Christ, but was revived under the auspices of Protestantism

HEBREWS MORE MORAL THAN CHRISTIANS 117
and is constantly pushed further and ahead to the injury of
the religion of Christ. This is positively wrong, as these two
systems of religion in nowise can go hand-in-hand together
because they are positively different. The aim and end of ev
ery religion in the world is solely for the purpose of improv
ing the life and actions of man to such a degree that he should
come to such a state of mind as to live and act in perfect con
formity with the will and law of his Creator. For that end
were the laws and ordinances of the raany and different relig
ions given by the Universal Creator of all. As no man can
deny — even the rabbis of the Mosaic religion admitting freely
— that the teachings and commandments of our Saviour stand
incomparably higher than the teachings of Moses. It is evi
dent that teaching the Christian religion from the old Testa
ment of the Mosaic Dispensation is nothing less than a pre
vention of the establishment of Christ's religion on earth. It
is just the same in result as it would be if the universities —
for making astronomers — would teach only the pure mathe
matics, and astronomy proper, would give only in general
terms and principles. The world would then have just as
good astronomers as it has now "good Christians."
The proof to this is not hard to find. As religion mu st
and does elevate the standard of human life, this no one can
deny, and as the morals of the religion of Christ are so much
and incomparably higher and purer than the morals of the re
ligion of Moses, as found in the Old Testament of our Bible^
this no one can deny either: so it is self-evident that the life
of the professed Christians, and even "good Christians" at
that, ought to be far more and higher in morality than the life
and morals of the Hebrews of the same country and commun
ity; because the religion professed by the former is so much
higher than the religion of the latter. But is it so in fact ?
Every one who is acquainted with the world's doings and con
ditions will answer. No. It is far more near to be the reverse.

118 WHAT DAY TO HONOR THE SAVIOUR
We need only to look around ourselves in this country. Tak
en generally, or ab a class, the Hebrews are far higher in mor
als than the professing Christians; and to the superficial ob
server the only difference between them consists in the simple
fact that the Hebrew goes to worship God — according to the
laws of Moses, whose follower he is — on the seventh day of the
week (his Sabbath), whereas the Christian (professed follower
of Christ) goes to worship his Lord, God, and Saviour on the
first day of the week, and this in honor and 'meraory of his
Lord, God, and Saviour Jesus Christ, who rose frora death on
the first day of the week, and who, having risen from death on
the first day of the week, appeared to his followers in his body
alive, and thereby established and proved to them all he
claimed to be when living among them. And these Christians
worship God on the first day of the week instead of the seventh
day of the week of the Mosaic Dispensation ; that is, on the res
urrection day of our Lord, God, and Saviour, which is estab
lished strictly in obedience to his comraand: "For the Father
judgeth no man, but hath coraraitted all judgraent unto the
Son." "That all raen should honor the Son, even as they hon
or. the Father. He that honoreth not the Son honoreth not
the Father which hath sent hira." (St. John v: 22, 23.)
Now the Saviour tells us here, clearly and plainly, that he
who does not honor the Son does not honor "the Father which
sent hira," and why ? Because the "Father" and the "Son"
constitute one Divine Person, as I have seen in the raost sub
lirae vision in the hospital at Port Trumbull; and it was told
into my ear from above, that the human forra I saw in the
raidst of the clouds was the "God-Father" and "God Son."
:So I know it positively to be so, and know it not from huraan
teachings, but from the revealing of the Saviour hiraself; and
this was revealed to me in perfect accordance to and with his
words: "I and ray Father are one." "Who sees me, sees ray
Father also."

THE FIRST DAY OF THE WEEK 119
Now, as from the words of our Saviour, it is evident that
man cannot honor the Father (Jehovah) without honoring the
Son (Saviour) ; therefore, to be able to honor the Father, whom
man has not seen, mari raust honor the Son whora man has
seen. N6W, on what day of the week is the most proper tirrie
to honor the Saviour in public worship and thanksgi-ving ?
Most surely, not on the seventh day of the week (the Sabbath
of the Decalogue). On that day he was dead, and lying bur
ied in the sepulchre. On that day he was dead physically, as
any mortal can be dead; and so, not only for all unbelievers
in him, but was even so to all his nearest followers, the disci
ples and the apostles. And so rauch it was so that even the
foreraost of the apostles, as Peter and John, were reluctant to
believe the words of the holy women, who announced that they
had seen him in his body alive. This day of the week is the
most improper among all days to observe in worship for his
honor; and without honoring him, as he tells us himself, we
cannot honor his Father who "sent him" to the world. But
the above quoted words of his (St. John v: 23), being taken in
reverse, will read thus, "Who honoreth the Son at the same
time honoreth the Father," because "I and ray Father are
one." So the seventh day of the week (the Sabbath of the
Decalogue) drops out of the question, as the believer and fol
lower of Christ cannot honor Christ on the day when he was
physically dead to the whole world, and without honoring the
Son (Christ) the follower and believer in him and his Word
cannot honor his Father (Jehovah). Thus the apostles and
all other followers of Christ, and believers in his gospel teach
ings and coraraandments, after the descent of the Holy Ghost
on the day of Pentecost, began to assemble together as often as
it was possible, for breaking bread in commemoration of the
Last Supper. And when the community of believers began to
enlarge very fast, they began to assemble for the breaking of
bread (and this in obedience to his comraand or injunction-

120 SEVENTH DAY SABBATH ADVENTISTS
"This do in remembrance of me" (Luke xxii: 19) on the first
day of the week, as the one day of the week the most fitting
and proper for keeping holy by public worship in his honor,
and for the remembrance of him. As on that day he rose
from death, and appearing to his believers and followers in his
physical body alive, and dispersing all doubt in them, estab
lished in their minds and consciences as a heavenly truth aU
that which he claimed to be, as also all that which he taught
them living among them; so much so that they, unhesitating
ly, accepted him as the Lord and God of heaven and earth.
"All power is given me in heaven and in earth." (Matt.
xxviii: 18.) "My Lord and my God." (John xx: 28.) But
notwithstanding all these teachings and testimonies of men^
endued with the Holy Spirit of truth from on high, and
which testimonies were given by them for the whole human
race on earth, even this last distinction between Hebrew and
Christian, as to the day of the week set apart for public wor
ship and honor of God, is being strenuously worked upon to
be extinguished and obliterated, and this by men who, by the
wbole might of their voice, proclaim themselves to be the best
teachers of the religion of Christ.
There is a pseudo-Christian sect that exists under the
name of "Seventh day Sabbath Adventists." The leaders and
teachers of that "sect" exert their utmost power of speech and
pen to establish the seventh day of the week as a day of rest
(Sabbath) and of public worship, as it was established by
Moses in the Mosaic Dispensation of the Old Testament of our
Bible, and which day is strictly observed by all believing He
brews till the present day ; because they reject the Messiahship
of our Saviour, and therefore remain in the Mosaic Dispensa
tion as followers of Moses in adhering to his institutions. The
observances of the seventh-day Sabbath, the Adventist leaders
urge upon the people under the pretense that it was command
ed by God hiraself, and inscribed upon the tables of stone as

TEACHINGS OF OUR SAVIOUR 121
the fourth commandment of the Decalogue. But they do not
see, or pretend not to see, or refuse to see, that the will and
law of God (Jehovah), for all those that accepted Jesus of Naz
areth as the true Messiah and their Saviour, is not in the Old
Testament of our Bible, but in the Four Gospels and partially
in the Acts of the Apostles in the New Testament, which con
stitutes the religion of Christ, and to which religion Chris
tians, by their very name, profess to belong. To state it more
plainly for all to be understood, the will and law of God for
all those who profess to be Christian believers in and follow
ers of Christ and his teachings and commandments, is ex
pressed in the following words made known upon the Mount
of Transfiguration, viz., "This is my beloved Son in whom I
am well pleased; hear ye him." (Matt, xvii: 5; Mark ix: 7;
Luke ix:35.) Now, as these last words, "hear ye him," can
not mean anything else than, Obey ye him, or. Do what he
teaches and commands you to do, hence the whole law and
will of our Heavenly Father is contained in the teachings and
commandments of our Saviour, and his teachings and com
mandments are in the New Testament of our Bible and not in
the Old Testament. Besides this, the Saviour says himself:
"My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me. If any man
will do his will he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be
of God or whether I speak of myself." And, "For I have not
spoken of myself but the Father which sent me; he gave me a
commandment what I should say and what I should speak."
(St. John vii: 16, 17; xii: 44, 48, 49.) There are far more
words of our Saviour that prove the correctness of the asser
tion that the gospel teachings and commandments contain the
whole law and will of God for Christians ; and no religious
teacher can deny that, or prove himself to be correct, if he ever
will deny this.
The Adventists claim that their conscience compels them
to observe the seventh day of the week as a day of rest, or

122 HORRIBLE BLASPHEMY
Sabbath, because that observance was commanded by God.
But nowadays every intelligent person knows full well that
human conscience is very elastic; it can be made to believe
and adhere to any absurdity, even to a criminal intercourse.
This is amply and fully seen by the "modern abomination" of
the Mormons of Utah fame, which sect flourishes under the
name of "Reorganized Church of Christ of the Latter-day
Saints"; and mark here, "Christ's Church Saints" (?) Is it
not the raost horrible blasphemy upon the name of the Bless
ed Saviour of mankind ? Every sensible, honest, and pure fe
raale shrinks with abhorrence frora the idea to have a husband
that is a husband of raany other wives besides her. But
among the Mormon feraales can be found many, and very
many are found, who are doing any and every sinful, or even
criminal, acts to sustain and preserve their foul institutions-
And why ? Because it is constantly and uninterruptedly
haramered into their heads by their religious (?) teachers that
their institution of polygamy is according to the will and law
of God, and insures the salvation of the soul and eternal life.
(As their Doctrine and Covenant, page 464, says: "Behold, I
reveal unto you a new and an everlasting covenant, and if ye
abide not in that covenant [polygamy] then are ye daraned;
for no one can reject this covenant and be perraitted to enter
into ray [celestial] glory.") Now, can such a law (?) be found
in any other, even so-called pagan, religions of the world ?
The Moharamedans have polygamy, but it is only perraitted by
the Koran, and not coraraanded to adhere and abide in it; but
here it is positively coraraanded, under the penalty of being
"daraned" for rejection of it. And this the "Morraon leaders
and teachers,"' "elders,'' "apostles," and "prophets" (?) claim
as rights of individual conscience. Just the same plea as the
"Adventists" proclaira as the right of conscience to introduce
into the "Religion of Christ," and establish an institution,
which is Mosaic and not Christian, because it is not comraand-

MORMONS AND ADVENTISTS WRONG 123
ed by Christ, neither enjoined by any of the apostles, and is,
therefore, unchristian. But as the "Morraons," just so the
"Adventists," say, that raan cannot expect to inherit eternal
life from the hands of Christ if he does not observe the "sev
enth-day Sabbath' ' ; i. e , in order to receive salvation from
Christ, raan must do that which Christ did not coramand hira
to do and observe. And so it is, at least to a great extent, with
all "denominations" of the Christian religion. All teach, more
or less, only to believe in Christ, and to do that which the
pulpit- teacher tells thera to do, and not to "obey and observe
all things whatsoever" Christ has coraraanded, notwithstand
ing such teaching is in positive disobedience to our Saviour's
last and the greatest coraraand, viz., "Teaching them [all na
tions, all people] to observe all things whatsoever I have com
manded you," etc. (Matt, xxviii: 20.)
Seeing and knowing all this from the religious literature
(being a constant subscriber and close reader of six religious
papers of different Protestant denominations for several years),
I attempted many times to expose these errors and falsities,
but never could have the chance to do that, as every paper re
fused to publish such of my writings as exposed too rauch of
their own errors. So by me nothing more could be done than
to write as much as I possibly will be able, and publish it in
"paraphlet forra" by ray own means, if I will be able to save
so much from ray pension, as I have no hope whatever to be
able to work and earn sorae money besides my pension. As to
the present tirae, I can in no ways write raore than two hours
a day, and that only raornings. But it is very hard to save
rauch frora a pension of thirty dollars a raonth.
Now, I desired to tell here rauch more about ray experi
ences in life of "religion," but it is too volurainous already-
Hence I raust finish these "Depositions" by expressing my
last wish and desire that these "Depositions" be printed in a
''book form," and distributed among ray fellow-raen for their

FAREWELL

124

benefit in this world and in the life beyond, as for that pur
pose principally they were written. And I ask and pray that
in whosoever hands these writings will come after I am gone,
he shall not fail to see them printed and distributed.
And now, let me express ray affectionate "farewell" to all
my fellow-men, adding, God bless you all and be merciful to,
you, is the last wish of the undersigned,
PETER PETROFF.
San Francisco, Cal., 1886.

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